#Em & Aitch

[weidli]

why are 50% of works in the nina rubin tag on ao3 actually about spatort

[grrlmusic]

Joy Orbison - archive 09-10

[romeo-the-homeo]

ant and dec r doing asmr now- i expect to see them in the redactedverse post haste!!!!

[g-u-m-m-y-s-h-a-r-k]

light mode users of any social media DNI...............

[yipeewahoo]

why can’t i listen to normal music. why did my brain choose cartoon music and video game music huh. why can’t i be norma l

[teewritessmth]

#Instagram Au (28)

(Niko Omilana x f! reader)

Liked by chunkz, ohnosharky, behzingagram and 2,765,123 others

y/n.y/l/n Not yours but mine ~

view comments

y/nmypookiewookie SHE SHOWED EM'

y/nstarz Is this shade towards the girl that tried SO hard to flirt with Niko during betasquad's new video

--- y/n.y/l/n ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

chunkz imagine making a video on your channel after two months of hiatus and suddenly a gyal all up on you and then ur girlfriend posts picture of you two together

--- y/n.y/l/n who's girlfriend would do that bro 🤣🤣

--- teewritessmth replying cause ur too iconic

janialuvsbetasquad QUEEN SHIT

adeolapatrone POP OFF BABE

Liked by adeolapatrone, aitch, harrypinero and 1,876 342 others

y/n.y/l/n On my mandatory rewatch of old beta vids and HOW DID I IGNORE THIS LENG OF A MAN FOR SO LONG

view comments

niko I always liked u and u decided to ignore me like I am a normal boy

--- ajshabeel nothing special bout u @niko

--- kingkennytv vios in his girl's comment section as well?

--- y/n.y/l/n Ken u and I both know he never stops

yungfilly NAH I REMEMBER THAT YOU TRIED SO FUCKIN HARD TO BE FRIENDS WITH HIM

--- y/n.y/l/n WE DON'T NEED YOUR INPUT FILLY

ohnosharky I remember the days when Niko used to talk to her and she wouldn't reply cause she was too busy staring and admiring my boy

--- teewritessmth WHO WOULDN'T ADMIRE HIM

--- betasquads IFKR that man is wayy to good looking

--- betasquadx niko 😩🤤

--- teewritessmth average nia reply

Liked by miniminter, joshotusanya, jonnycarey and 786,008 others

y/n.y/l/n If I catch man at these ends yeah? LONG DAY.

view comments

niko roadman couple alert

--- y/n.y/l/n 😘😘

--- niko FINALLY YOU REPLIED TO MY COMMENT DIRECTLY

centralcee 😬🤧

johnnycarey now y'all gotta come and make a skit with me

ksi COLD

---vikstagram RIGHT?

niko lovestare from me at slide 3 goes crazy

--- ajshabeel idk how to tell u this but you ALWAYS look at her like this

--- kingkennytv finally an interaction between u man without violations

[kamishiro-rui-phoenixwonderland]

ay, bee, sea, dee, ee, ef, gee, aitch, eye, jay, kay, el, em, en, oh, pea, queue, arr, es, tea, you, vee, double you, ex, why, zed~

[earthtoharlow]

SERIES MASTERLIST

PREVIOUS

THATGIRLSTACEY

Liked by cassie, kimkardashian, iamkaylanicole, jackharlow, haileybieber, neelamthadhani and 757,956 others

thatgirlstacey: never fazed by what my old flings gotta say 💯💯

📸 : my hubby

view all 13,655 comments

jackharlow: never ever

user: so Jack wasn’t kissing a white girl in the club?

user: I want better for you

user: you a bitch but one thing about that face card…

neelamthadhani: let ‘em know sis!

user: you need to leave that white boy!

user: you know what i understand Jack I really do

druski: I know your man does but do you cheat as well 👀

user: druski outta pocket 🤣🤣🤣

haileybieber: I’m so in love with you 😍

user: you seem kinda fazed idk

JACKHARLOW

liked by thatgirlstacey, urbanwyatt, nemoachida, Jackharlowsource, justinbieber, cozane and 678,056 others

jackharlow: if “just throw it in the bag” was a person 🙄🫠

view all 9,489 comments

user: oh so you remembered you have a child

user: such a cutie!!!

user: I’ll be a step mom

user: that jacket tho !!

thatgirlstacey: you love it tho 🤭

user: I’m happy you took the time out your busy cheating schedule to hang out with your daughter

urbanwyatt: my favorite niece!

jackharlow: she’s your only niece

thatgirlstacey: hopefully not for too long 🙃

jackharlow: 😬

THATGIRLSTACEY

liked by asiandabratt, jaydawayda, keyshiakaoir, jackharlow, cozane, icespice, therubirose and 995,356 others

thatgirlstacey: you could say it was love at first sight 😍 tbt

view all 6,478 comments

user: so he met Stacey first?

user: uh

user: you a big loser

user: he trying to figure out who to you are

user: so he’s known her before he started dating Y/N???

jaydawayda: I remember this night 😍😍

user: goals !!

jackharlow: forever glad we reconnected

JACKHARLOW

Liked by urbanwyatt, claybornharlow, selenosunni, neelamthadhani, slimwav, djdrama, aitch and 756,087 others

jackharlow: all I need in this life of sin

view all 5,045 comments

user: y’all been posting each other a lot lately, which one of you cheated 🤣

barbieblank: what a beautiful family…

user: I love when Jack remembers he’s a father

user: I love Willow 😍😍😍

user: guess Drizzy was lying about that white girl 🫠

neelamthadhani: 🥹🫶

user: I guess Jack is actually loyal this time

THESHADEROOM

liked by 996,036 users

theshaderoom: uh oh looks like #StaceyJames Harlow is finally getting her lick back! Stacey was seen drunkenly leaving the club kissing a mystery man! I wonder what’s going through #JackHarlow’s head right now 👀

view all 16,086 comments

user: HOLY SHIT!!!!

user: Jack deserves this tbh

user: that Y/N voodoo

user: how could she do this to him :(

user: ok but someone find out who the dude is he kinda fine

user: Y/N and Drake is somewhere laughing

user: I love karma

user: *pretends to be shocked*

user: SLUT

user: these hoes ain’t loyal

THESHADEROOM

liked by 97,008 users

theshaderoom: whew chile! The drama never stops in the Harlow household! According to fitness model, #BarbieBlank, #JackHarlow is the father of her 6 month old, Noah! A couple weeks ago, #Drake stepped into #StaceyJames Harlow’s comments claiming he saw Jack with a white girl in the club! By the looks of it, it might’ve been Barbie! Just yesterday, we broke the news that Stacey was seen kissing another man. We hope this is all one big misunderstanding!

view all 20,678 comments

user: I’m so fucking dead

user: bruh

user: this drama is better than any reality tv show

user: oh Y/N voodoo is working overtime!!

user: only person I feel bad for is poor Willow, and Noah

user: pray for them y’all, cause they damn sure gonna need it

user: Jack never heard of condoms? God damn

user: Jack is the reason why they teach sex education in schools

user: how does he find the time

user: glad y/n is away from this !!!

——————————————————————————-

Tag List:

(message me if you'd like to be added)

@heavyhitterheaux @hoodharlow @neon-lights-and-glitter @babiefries @toocriticalharlow @macey234 @jackmans-poison @dstark-0706 @harlowsbby @itsyagirljaz @fdl305 @leftapricotprofessorlover @laylasbunbunny @ilyangelsxo

NEXT PART

[theguardianace]

so RUDE of AO3 es em aitch

(your fic<33

ao3 should implement a feature so we can spam reblog stuff but with kudos i think

[fuck-customers]

(🦕 Anon) Some oldish lady, coming up to my till holding a £6 DVD: This is only £4.99 in (DVD/music/fan merch store very near ours, let's call it Aitch Em Vee)! (*stares at me expectantly*)

Me: (*staring back*)

Me, internally: ..........okay?? So???

Posted by admin Rodney.

[saintmeghanmarkle]

"Aitch" and "Em" by u/Equivalent-Date-4796

"Aitch" and "Em" Not once except in the mockumentary did Harry ever refer to her as "M." And she stopped referring to him as "H," although, since she is a narcissist, he is not "Harry," he is "my husband" or "this one" etc. Anyway, my point is, that stupid mockumentary footage that started around the SA trip, they didn't realize that her stupid, "I always tell...H--that's what I call him" (followed by "tee hee" and fake bashful laugh) would be so poorly received. At the time, the media was like, "we learn Meghan's nickname for Harry!"Later, the world (those with critical thinking skills anyway) started waking up and realizing her inability to say anyone's name or designation is a sign of narcissism. So, then, they went at the the "Aitch" and "Em" fast and furious in the later footage of the mockumentary, as if, when she had called him in "H" in SA, it was the norm in their relationship. And we never seen it since. All fake. Their idiocy in the lies they tell bothers me as much as their evil nature. For example, even if the BRF had, for racist reasons, denied security and a title, as they suggested on Oprah and so many believed, what would the end game of the BRF had been? They would have been called out on a world stage for doing something so stupid so obviously racist. Like the BRF, if they wanted to do something racist, would have done it in such an obvious way. post link: https://ift.tt/SuoGO5f author: Equivalent-Date-4796 submitted: January 01, 2024 at 11:26PM via SaintMeghanMarkle on Reddit

[gingeisafiteh]

The party| part 5

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Morgan's POV (from when he walked in):

I walk into the venue with my boys, aitch , tays and filly. We're all joking about how greasy Pingus hair is. "Bit quiet in here, no music yet." Filly says and aitch and tays agrees. "Yeah true. Oh well, it'll probably come on later." "Yeah fairs." Aitch says. Looking at them, id say they sharpened up well and id say, so did I. I instantly spot the sidemen over in the corner of the room and say hello to them.

"There's my best mate!" I hug Simon. "Yes ginge you okay son!" "Yeah I'm doing good Simon, thank you! How've you been?" "Eh you know, this and that, just sorting out the podcast and Sidemen vlogs." "Fair enough."

Some time after talking to them, i tell them I'm about to go and get a drink. "Eh lads, just nippin to the bar." "Alright sweet." Tays says as they carry on talking.

I walk over to the bar and lean on the counter. "Hey mate, can I have a disorano and coke please." "Yeah course mate, one sec." "Cheers." I gaze around the place and come across some gorgeous girl looking at me but then quickly looking away. She quickly turned, talking to her mates about something. I wonder who she was, she looked stunning..

I eventually get my drink and walk back to the boys. "Eh boys, come here a sec." I pull em away to near where the girl was sat but not tooo close for her to hear us. "What's up man?" Filly asks. "Well boys..." I tell them about mine and that girls' encounter before and how I felt. They took a sneaky glance at her and then back at me. "Eh she seems nice and looks beautiful aswell." Filly says. "She looks nice her." Tays says. "Yeah man she's a good bit of kit I can't lie." Aitch says mischievously. "Eh you!" We all laugh a little but not too loud.

"I'm not sure whether I should speak to her or not but I don't wanna make her feel a bit weird or anything." "Look man, wait till she speaks to you first, if not, get your final chance at the end of the night to speak to her. And if there's a change of plan later, so be it." Aitch says. "Thats alright that to be fair." Filly says. "That'll probably work hopefully." I nod and agree.

Me and the boys just talk regularly about random things. Until suddenly, we here a comment made by the girls mate that caught my surprise. The girl whines and puts her head in her hands and her mate says something like, 'i bet you'll be sounding like that with Ginge later'. Me and the boys can't help but laugh at it a bit. I notice the girl turn around embarrassed and mouthe the word 'sorry' to us. I wink back to let her know that it's fine.

She quickly turns her head round to her mates as if I've done something to shock her. I brush it off my head as it's probably embarrassment from what her mate has said. Me and the boys walk away back to where we were so we can discuss further on this girl as we've got some new information.

"Nah I reckon she wants it." Aitch says. "No but I reckon that her mate is winding her up and why would she want to hook up with someone like me anyway?" "Nah bro you're good-looking!" Tays says. "You're calm lad trust me, you're a nice man, any girls would be lucky." "Yeah bro, don't say that! And you're a fucking kind human being!" "Thank you-" I say. "Im telling you bro, she wants it." Filly says. I just sigh in disbelief. Music finally comes on. "Thank fuuuckk." Aitch says. "Bout pissin time aswell!" Tays says. Filly smiles as usual.

Me and the boys just chat for a bit and how we're gonna keep it chill. It might be worth not trying, she might feel uncomfortable or whatever. Idk, we'll see..

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

End of Part 5

Sorry this one was so longer then the last one. They were both going on at the same time, if you know what I mean. I just wanted to make this one more detailed. X

[deadcactuswalking]

REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 24/02/2024 (Dua Lipa, Djo, Calvin Harris/Rag'n'Bone Man)

Guess we know who’s winning the Civil War - Beyoncé’s “TEXAS HOLD ‘EM” usurps Vermont on the throne of the UK Singles Chart. Welcome back to REVIEWING THE CHARTS!

Rundown

It’s kind of calming to have a week where outside of some new entries, of which there are only a handful to begin with. So, as always, we start with the notable dropouts, which are songs exiting the UK Top 75 (what I cover) after five weeks in the region or a peak in the top 40. This week, we bid adieu to a small selection of songs but some of which are pretty important. Sure, I guess we can say good riddance to “MY EYES” by Travis Scott (featuring uncredited vocals from Justin Vernon of Bon Iver and Sampha) and “Body Moving”  by Eliza Rose and Calvin Harris without much fret, but we also see dropouts from the Barbie soundtrack with both “What Was I Made For?” by Billie Eilish and “Dance the Night” by Dua Lipa leaving, as well as Sam Fender’s “Seventeen Going Under” making yet another exit though I’m sure it’ll be back soon enough.

There isn’t much to speak of in our gains, either. The biggest story is probably our list of returns, since the new documentary, Bob Marley: One Love has people rediscovering the reggae legend’s catalogue. His greatest hits album is at #6 on the albums chart and two of his songs with the Wailers return to the top 75. Both songs peaked in 1980, with “Could You be Loved”, now at #51, peaking at #5 whilst Odyssey’s “Use it Up and Wear it Out” was #1 and “Three Little Birds”, now at #56, only peaking at #17, whilst “Don’t Stand So Close to Me” by The Police was #1. Marley would pass just one year after, of course, and it is pretty poetic to have his grandson in the top 10 right now, but just so this episode has some cool chart history trivia, how about we go through the several times these songs have charted? Different recordings of the two songs released in 1984 and 1985 peaked at #71 and #76 respectively. Joe Cocker’s cover of “Could You be Loved” peaked at #86 in 1997, and as far as I can find, no other covers of either song have charted, which kind of surprises me. After all, the latter was recently covered by Maroon 5, I figured they’d hitch a chart spot on name recognition but nope, not even a child singer Connie Talbot could do it in the talent show boom in the 2000s, so I guess Marley’s original really can’t be replaced.

As for the rest of our gains and returns, “Thank You (Not So Bad)” by way too many people who should know better is back at #73 and “Coal” by Dylan Gossett returns to #61. The gains include last week’s debuts, “Made for Me” by Muni Long and “Birds in the Sky” by NewEra at #48 and #44 respectively, “Lil Boo Thang” by the GOAT Paul Russell at #35 and, despite what the Official Charts Company would want you to believe, “Grey” by Yung Filly is at #33. There was an Aitch remix.

This week’s top 5 is actually pretty notable in terms of some shifting tides. We begin with ACR - search it up - striking Noah Kahan’s “Stick Season” down to #5, and then one of a few big debuts with Dua Lipa at #4 with “Training Season”, followed by gains for some white dudes making big moves: “Lose Control” by Teddy Swims at #3 and “Beautiful Things” by Benson Boone at #2, and finally, of course Queen Bey at the top. Now, we don’t have that wide of an array of new entries, or really, many at all, of which I’m pretty grateful for, so let’s zip through them.

New Entries

#66 - “Soaked” - Shy Smith

Produced by BeatBusta

Alright, I’ll bite… who the Hell is Shy Smith and why did they go with that… uncomfortable cover art? Well, this song is actually from 2021, and I assume through TikTok has gone viral, but this isn’t some indie artist as we typically see, this is a Canadian social media star, which makes this song seem a bit more like a joke. That’s a relief since despite being three years old, it sounds like Ciara made this in 2006 with the glassy synths, blocky Timbaland-esque production and squarrelling synth buzz, that is much more “in” now than it ever has been. Part of me understands completely therefore why this is charting now… but then another part of me doesn’t understand why this is charting at all. There’s really nothing to the stifled groove of the beat and it sounds like it actively strains Shy Smith to try having a personality. It’s so clearly going for semi-goofy seduction, but clawing actual intimacy out of this is as hard a job for me as it would have been for the vocal engineers, so I’m really not understanding this one.

#53 - “Whatever She Wants” - Bryson Tiller

Produced by TylianMTB

I always forget Bryson Tiller exists until he shows back up again, and I mean no offence by that as nothing has given me the impression that he’s not talented or a good person, but not a single song has clicked with me, despite having a lot of respect for his mostly singular lane and pioneering of the trap-soul sound. I can think of people who perhaps want to be Bryson Tiller, but I can’t figure out who Bryson Tiller wants to be other than, well, Bryson Tiller, and even if the music doesn’t resonate, I’m happy with that. Problem here is that he’s obviously trying to be Drake. He’s always been the easiest comparison to make with Tiller, but other than the more Detroit-influenced percussion, which really sounds like a typical trap rhythm with a Detroit choice of sounds more than anything, other than an elegant Orion Sum sample… this is just a Drake song. He goes for Drake flows, Drake melodies, even Drake’s uncomfortable whispery ad-libs. You could argue that the influence is mutual, but it is really difficult for me not to see a Drake fan taking the acapella, running it through a Drake voice AI and making something completely believable. Even the content is a slightly less embarrassing Drake riff, which just shows to me that he may be a unique singer, but not so much a rapper. Tylian’s beat is pretty good on this, I will admit, but I’m compelled by Mr. Tiller enough as a unique presence to care much about this. The train-like way the song keeps to an uptempo chug is actually pretty interesting though, it doesn’t feel like it ever wants to stop and take a breath, and Tiller does contribute to that, he’s not a total dud on his own song. He’s not really improving it either, though.

#19 - “Lovers in a Past Life” - Calvin Harris and Rag’n’Bone Man

Produced by Calvin Harris and watt

The petty part of me wants to say “2018 called” but this collaboration isn’t dated on arrival: Rag’n’Bone Man is another one of those artists I always forget about until they show up and I think this will just be a repeat of what I said about “Giant” all those years ago. He needs a rough layer of grit under him, not this flashy, sugary house track that he sticks out like a sore thumb over. Now it may not be dated on arrival but it is in execution: this is a tropical house song, and whilst Calvin Harris has always been good at mixing and making his stuff sound professional, this actually detracts from the character-void guitar and four-on-the-floor programming that all just feels rote. He even goes for an ATB-like guitar lick in the drop amidst the house pianos that just doesn’t sit well with me. I don’t dislike this - or at least not that much - I’m just confused by how either artist felt the need to make it, because it really does not work.

#11 - “End of Beginning” - Djo

Produced by Adam Thein and Djo

How do I even begin to pronounce that? Is he D-J-O, Duh-Joe, Joe, Sho? Oh, who am I kidding? It doesn’t matter, you know him as Joe Keery from Stranger Things. He was in a psychedelic band for a while but left and has solo work as a musician out now, with this taking from his second album and not actually released as a single, just a breakout solo hit. Is it good? Well, listen… I wish he knew he wanted Steve. The only buzz I had heard about this is that it sounded just like Mr. Lacy’s “Bad Habit” and well, I actively laughed when certain elements of the song came in because they hit nearly exactly the same way as in that song. This is most likely an influence and definitely not worth suing anyone over, but that’s primarily because neither song is any good. The lyrics are largely about his connection to his home city of Chicago as well as the acceleration of his acting career, making a point about how well, he’s still from Chicago! Whatever version you get of him, Chicago’s still in him. Yeah, it’s safe to say it doesn’t have the lyrical intricacies or at least, intriguing moments, that “Bad Habit” does, or even, and it pains me to say this, its sonic depth, so surely I should like this even less? Well, no. Djo Mama’s voice is a lot less pursuant and awkward than Steve Lacy, who also came up with some actual earworms that I respect but never want to hear again, whilst Djo here is just yapping over some synthpop. Which is fine. Have your fun. My opinion doesn’t matter at the end of the day. Just… maybe make acting a priority.

#4 - “Training Season” - Dua Lipa

Produced by Kevin Parker

I wish Dua found an interesting way to be good. This is a great, funky pop song, a worthwhile follow-up to “Houdini” with some excellent atmosphere mostly found in the dynamic mix that I’m sure Mr. Tame Impala had a lot of involvement with. It may not be a psychedelic song by nature, but there are transitory phases that absolutely show he was on the boards for. This feels like a sequel to “Houdini”, if that’s not already the intention, as Dua isn’t being the carefree love-them-and-leave-them anymore, she’s genuinely frustrated that she doesn’t have a more consistent and intimate relationship. She’s sick of being in control in these relationships - if they can be called such - and wants someone to go there, to actually mean something to her and put that effort in. Yet it doesn’t hit as much as I want it to… it may be the replacement of the rubbery bass from “Houdini” with a focus on soaring psychedelic synths and a guitar tone I’m not really big on in the chorus. Maybe it’s just that this funk-pop sound isn’t all that new and in that case, it’s impressive that Dua has made it this far without sounding boring.

Conclusion

With that said, she still obviously gets Best of the Week because good God, this was a mediocre set. Honourable and Dishonourable Mentions would be overly charitable probably, but I am going to give Bryson Tiller some benefit here, specifically because “Whatever She Wants” does have a decent instrumental, whilst Djo takes the Dishonourable Mention for “End of Beginning”, God, even the title is awkward. As for the worst, Shy Smith I think takes this handedly for “Soaked” but… will it even last a second week? I don’t know, it’s easily the least essential and least likely to last song that debuted. As for what’s on the horizon… I don’t know. Thank you for reading, rest in peace to Steve Wright and I’ll see you next week!

[houseofbrat]

[1 month ago]

NF is definitely promoting them and trying to make you watch their stuff because they are scrambling to make the investment at least break even, which right now it has not. They want to be rid of Aitch and Em, but they still got costs to recoup. They would promote a docuseries about Satan if they thought it would make them money, while bitching in the hallways, at team meetings, and even in the executive suite about what a pain in the ass he is and how they'll be glad when that fucking contract is done. The only difference is, people would probably watch a documentary about Satan. I mean, I would---- unless he turned out to be as fucking boring as Harry and Meghan.

They purchased the rights to Suits back when they hoped this H&M programming was going to pour interest into the Netflix interface. Remember the contracts were inked before Megxit. Very few people at that time were saying that this was getting ready to be THE BIGGEST SHIT SHOW on Earth. They didn't know that the peril Harry and Meghan were going to ultimately trot out was going to be that they think there is a pap in an underground garage, nor that the pap threat would have to complete with actual serious human peril like war in Ukraine, a pandemic, serious weather changes, a pandemic, etc.

Netflix bought Suits, they made the mockumentary, and yes they are pushing those things toward you, but that does NOT mean they are team Trollop and Todger. They are Team Money, and they are just trying to recoup costs by hoping like hell that suggesting these things to you will pique your interest and you'll watch and keep watching the doc, then maybe be interested kn Meghan enough to watch Suits.

[thelightningbottler]

Lightning Boltz - Villains

TRANSCRIPT

The Audacity

The intimacy

Of student accommodation Offers a lot

To the imagination 

and proves to be above many stations the source of trials 

and tribulations.

As you hear sounds of sex from the wall to your left

the passionate cries of every breath. And below you hear

that couple fighting angry tones and ragged breathing.

As they try to get out each word seething

and next to you they play the police or the beat or the jam,

(if you're lucky.) The Skints. And beyond the moans and the groans,

and the crying and the fighting,

beyond the dancehall the dub

and the reggae you hear him.

Three rooms down…

He moves at half a clip. He breathes when he sleeps,

Incomplete, he hiccups for air on every other beat.

He shuffles down the hallway Singing songs

He laughs and bleats and for some reason this is the last straw That You can keep

And so its not the lovers, The fighters

The stoners

The people who keep you from your slumber they’re not the ones you get your ire.

It’s that GUY

with his BREATHING. His DEFIANCE

Of ENTROPY

He KEEPS PUTTING OFF His ETERNAL SLUMBER.

But then again, in lighter climbs. In student bars

with pints in hand the same guy

looks at you and say, ‘You snore, big o, Something rotten’

And suddenly you know

your animosity

is equalled.

The scales are set 

the message simple: You have to dive across the table and ring the life

from his fuckin nostrils.

Make believe

Inside the white walls      

of the white cottage,

which was ringed by the white Picket fence,

a small girl named Betty

took white sheets 

and cut out the image 

of white Jesus 

and glued him 

to a cross made of popsicle sticks.

Close Acquaintance

John had great big waterproof boots on.

“Back in the day, I used to wear crocs.

But I found that the holes let the blood soak through.

And the blood can really fuck up your socks.

“Did you know about young Leafblower?

The fellow your height who tended the pigs?

And blew away the leaves in autumn

And in the summer picked the figs?

“Well he and I, young Leafblower, that is,

We were told of an important job.

Something small just by the coast

That could withstand a mighty storm.

“No, not the job, it's no metaphor:

It’s the shack that I speak well of

Sturdy foundations my dear boy

Nothing could have blown its top off.

“So me and Leafy, I called him Leafy sometimes,

If he let me. But he was insistent

‘Leafblower is my name,’ he’d say

But I called him Leafy and I was persistent.

“Anyway, Leafy and I, we share this moped

That we borrowed off his brother.

‘Be careful turning into benders,’ he said

As we headed sideways to Great Yarmouth

“Nows, this was before your new fangled “Aitch You Dees”,

We had to use a pen and paper,

The courier gave us a printed Google map, 

 - X marks the spot - he told us, as he drank his cider. 

“So me and Leafy, we gets to Great Yarmouth,

I tell you now, it’s lost its glamour.

Just a bunch of boarded up storefronts

From those years of Tory power. 

“Anyway, through Yarmouth me and Leafy go

On this moped from his brother

Up to the cabin on the cliff

That could withstand all kindsa weather.

“‘Bloody Cold,’ Leafy said,

Chattering, the poor lads teeth was

No problem there for me

I had my woolly socks and crocs on!

“‘Hush your whining,’ I said to Leafy,

‘All that piss’ll do you no good.

Find out where the fuckin lav is

And I’ll order in some Food.’

“So I get on the blower

As young Leafy goes for a slash

And I order like 3 pizzas, 

And I tell em that I’ll pay in cash.

“Turns out the fella who delivered

Was a bit of an entrepreneur,

So not only did we acquire the pizza

But a bag of Whizz and some great green herbs!

“Leafblower, in his search for a bog, 

Had found himself a different stench

In the basement of this cabin

There was in fact, a stillers bench.

“Oh the moonshine these lads had made

Stronger than a kicking mule,

Bitterer than Love’s last kiss

And tasted like you’re drinking stool.

“By fuck did we get wasted, lad,

By fuck did we get hammered.

By fuck, lad, did we get sozzled.

And paint the place with vomit after.

‘And on we partied many days, 

Until all that was left was whizz and thinner

And Leafy looked over at me

And said, ‘Dear chap, what’s for dinner?’

“And I looked at Leafy in new light, 

Like… what a handsome little brat

What strong pectoral muscles he had

But with this scintillating fat.

“And look, call it the drugs or whatever

But it was at that point that I knew

Young Leafblowers steak and kidneys,

Was gonna be my next meal.

“And yea, some conflict did ensue:

I chased him with a broken bottle,

He cried, and whined, and begged and pleaded,

Didn’t stop me slicing his wattle. 

“And as he bled out he cried a lot

For his muther and his father

And I was like ‘Blah Blah Blah Blah’

And started to prepare my supper. 

“Steak and kidney pie I made! 

Ale soaked rump, and chipolatas

Braised ribs, and bourguignon,

And all the foods that I was after.

“And after that, I came straight home

The orgy of eating sucked it out of me and

the violence, of course, the violence...

Tuckers me out something rotten. 

“Course the constabulary couldn’t leave well enough alone,

They came knocking at my door.

And when I say my door, I mean my door!

Cause I was back away from Great Yarmouth and all.

“Turned out they’d found a soggy sock!

Turned out it had a toenail clippin’!

Turned out their forensic investigations

Had me dead-to-rights at the scene!”

He (John) stared out over the landscape,

Rolling hills and setting sun.

I was about to ask another question

But turns out John just wasn’t done.

“So of course I served my time.

And I’m a model citizen now.”

And what, I asked, do you do for a living?

“Butcher.” he smiled, or maybe scowled.

I was out of questions now,

And so I paid him, tit for tat.

“Could never get the bugger out my teeth…”

And that (said John) ⁠is ⁠that.