#Elon Musk — dead at 52 — RIP. | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

The degenerate’s guide to college football TV watch ‘em ups, 2019 season, week 4

The game of the week screams off the page but there are plenty of actually decent footballs happening on this here beautiful final Saturday of the summer.

Let’s see if I have the mental fortitude to write even a single word for each game, good or not. What the hell does good have to do with degeneracy, anyway?

Times are Eastern, schedule is stolen from FBSchedules and odds are ripped from Vegas Insider.

Saturday, September 21

Matchup Time (ET) TV/Mobile

11 Michigan at 13 Wisconsin 12:00pm FOX

You can throw out the rankings when these teams play because neither one of them has any business being ranked this highly! One of these teams will be basically out of the running for the playoffs by the time this is over. Everybody expects Michigan because Wisconsin hasn’t allowed a point this year and Michigan has mostly sucked so far in both of their games but this is the perfect place for a shitty Wolverines team to start tricking people. Wisconsin is up 110-0 on teams that are made of sawdust. Michigan is at least particle board, if not sterner. Wolverines +3, under 44.5.

Michigan State at Northwestern 12:00pm ABC

With an o/u a hilarious 36.5 I wouldn’t turn to this piece of shit if every single person on twitter were cryptically sending out tweets like “MICHIGAN!” and “nooooooooo” and “asdjseskrjhjsdbf” and “THERE’S STILL A WHOLE QUARTER LEFT!” You aren’t fooling me.

Western Michigan at Syracuse 12:00pm ACCN

What the hell is this ACCN thing, anyway? It’s just an ESPN skin but it’s got like 2% market penetration. At times like noon, September 21st, 2019, we can all be thankful for the unlikelihood of accidentally switching to ACCN while searching for football to gamble on.

ULM at Iowa State 12:00pm FS1

Louisiana-Monroe is a real dark horse contender for the Big XII title.

UConn at Indiana 12:00pm BTN

Webster’s dictionary defines the word “torture” as...

Tennessee at 9 Florida 12:00pm ESPN

I’ve had this weird premonition all week that Florida is totally going to fuck this up. On the one hand, the Gators should score more than 14 on defense. On the other hand, they should give up some points on offense. On the third hand, Tennessee is in a very bad place as a football program. Vols +14, under 49. But don’t put more than $1.50 on any of it.

Southern Miss at 2 Alabama 12:00pm ESPN2

Do people bet a lot on Bama games? Nick Saban seems to willfully undercut gamblers every week. The Tide are easily 39 points better than Southern Miss but they could realistically sit on a 24-0 lead for the entire second half.

Boston College at Rutgers 12:00pm BTN

BC just lost to Kansas by 24 and here they are favored by 8 the next week. Rutgers is probably really that bad but that still seems impossible. 32 points worse than Kansas? NAIA schools aren’t 32 points worse than Kansas.

23 California at Mississippi 12:00pm ESPNU

Don’t look now but 6 Pac teams were ranked in the top 25 this week. Rather, go look now. No way that lasts. Never trust a west coast team heading east for an early kickoff.

Elon at Wake Forest 12:00pm RSN

Wake Forest sucks but nobody sucks more than Elon Musk.

4 LSU at Vanderbilt 12:00pm SECN

Some things you can count on. One of them is LSU’s football team never making a goddamn lick of sense in any context.

Morgan State at Army 12:00pm CBSSN

The Troops have a -49 point line as I write this but apparently every other betting option is off the books? Not sure how that works but it’s probably illegal.

Coastal Carolina at UMass 1:00pm FloSports / NESN

There needs to be better vetting before allowing teams to just move up to FBS status. This is horrible.

Louisiana at Ohio 2:00pm ESPN+

This is a very tiny step up from the 1pm game. Ohio has been a mess so take the Ragin Cajuns on the road +3.

CCSU at Eastern Michigan 3:00pm ESPN3

There is no watchin this one up, either, so find other things to amuse you. Like gambling or day drinking.

Troy at Akron 3:00pm ESPN+

Finally we get that magical intersection of stupid, useless, and entertaining and it’s a goddamn ESPN+ game. For shame. SHAAAAAAME!!!!

Louisville at Florida State 3:30pm ESPN

Did FSU’s big comeback last week wake the ghosts and get Willie Taggert on track in Tallahassee? Probably not. What little I’ve watched of these two has me thinking Louisville is a straight up better team than FSU so my advice would be to take the Cardinals +6.5 but that’s right there on the line. Don’t think twice.

South Alabama at UAB 3:30pm NFLN

The Iron Bowl, Jr.! UAB -11 seems like pretty good value but you CAN THROW OUT THE RECORDS WHEN THESE TWO PLAY! A fun game to play if you watch this one is to see what fanbase is best represented in the crowd: UAB, USA, Bama or Auburn. Roll damn Tide.

Temple at Buffalo 3:30pm ESPNU

This seems like a conference rivalry but it isn’t. That’s all.

15 UCF at Pitt 3:30pm ABC/ESPN2 (RM)

I saw UCF mentioned as a legitimate top 5 team this week so I’m expecting them to lose. If Pitt wears their sweet yellow helmets I especially expect UCF to lose. So load up on UCF -11 because I am a fucking idiot. Book it.

22 Washington at BYU 3:30pm ABC/ESPN2 (RM)

Poor, sweet UDub. What might have been? Probably nothing but what will be is definitely nothing. BYU is sure to follow up their big upset of USC with a belly flop.

Wyoming at Tulsa 3:30pm CBSSN

O/u has moved up to 46.5 but that still seems low to me. Very appropriate CBS SN fare here. This is just good watchin’.

Miami (Ohio) at 6 Ohio State 3:30pm BTN

I don’t want to be a true believer in Chase Young or Justin Fields. I need to stick to my traditional hate Ohio State stance because any time I’ve flirted with liking a player on their team it has ended in heart break.

SMU at 25 TCU 3:30pm FS1

SMU has looked better than a dead fish so far this year. I’m kind of intrigued in this game as entertainment. I don’t want to pin expectations on it but I might hang around for a quarter or so.

Bowling Green at Kent State 3:30pm ESPN3

Here comes the MAC to ruin my good mood.

Appalachian State at North Carolina 3:30pm RSN

And here’s Mack to ruin my good mood even more.

8 Auburn at 17 Texas A&M 3:30pm CBS

Just the words Auburn and Texas A&M next to each other promises a level of psychosis that will be tough to live up to. I hope you’ve got a defibrillator nearby if you take it upon yourself to place bets on this game.

Kentucky at Mississippi State 4:00pm SECN

I think this is the entertaining side of S!E!C!

South Carolina at Missouri 4:00pm SECN Alt.

And this is dark, depressing, unwatchable side of S!E!C!

Central Michigan at Miami (FL) 4:00pm ACCN

Once upon a time there was a small, slow, relatively unathletic wide receiver from Miami who went to Central Michigan and became a huge star, one of the best in the NFL, a Madden cover boy, probably a serial rapist who is now unemployable even though he’s still one of the best football players on the planet. Where am I going with this? Oh, yeah, don’t move to Pittsburgh.

West Virginia at Kansas 4:30pm ESPN+

What if Kansas wins again? Does Les Miles sign a fully guaranteed 25-year extension and then immediately retire?

New Mexico State at New Mexico 4:30pm ATTSN

That’s some rivalry game you’ve got there. Would be a shame if it happened at the end of the season instead of the middle of September. What the fuck is this game doing on September 20th? What are these two teams planning that’s so important at the end of November?

William & Mary at East Carolina 6:00pm ESPN3

Has William & Mary always used “Tribe” for their team monikers? I definitely should have noticed that before now. That’s really kind of gross and weird. Anyway, I don’t see any betting info for this game but if you’re looking for a FCS -over-FBS upset for this week, this is the one for you.

Hampton at Liberty 6:00pm ESPN+

Liberty’s football team only went to FBS because Jerry Falwell, Jr. made a promise to a young man in a locker room and the younger Falwell is a man of his word when it comes to young men in locker rooms. Allegedly.

Wagner at Florida Atlantic 6:00pm ESPN+

Wagner “Seahawks” is a missed opportunity so obvious I don’t think it needs to be spelled out. Prove me wrong.

Ball State at NC State 7:00pm ESPNU

I always think of Marvin Gaye when I see Ball State. And for the last couple of years every time I think of Marvin Gaye I think about rumors that he was a serial killer. I don’t believe every rumor I hear about rich and/or famous people but I do believe most of them. NC State -19.5 is a pretty solid bet if I get to use your money for it.

16 Oregon at Stanford 7:00pm ESPN

I don’t want to sell myself as some kind of Pac-12 expert but I absolutely expect Stanford to win this game by 30 because it is exactly the kind of thing that happens in Pac-12 football.

Baylor at Rice 7:00pm CBSSN

Baylor out here sullying the good name of CBS Sports. It’s like finding out Matt Groening was a passenger on the Lolita Express.

Old Dominion at 21 Virginia 7:00pm ESPN2

I know it’s ODU but Virginia winning by 27 seems like a dodgy concept against literally any team in the country. UVA has a decent shot at going 12-0 and losing the ACCCG by 100.

Southern Illinois at Arkansas State 7:00pm ESPN3

If you asked me once a week every week for the next 52 weeks if Southern Illinois is a D-1A school or not I would be wrong more often than not. It turns out they aren’t in the MAC at all.

Georgia State at Texas State 7:00pm ESPN+

Get rid of FCS and make a real college football playoffs, you cowards! Isn’t a game like this between two FBS level programs mockery enough? How much more degradation can the product withstand before you have to give up the ruse and pay the players?

Charlotte at 1 Clemson 7:30pm ACCN

Charlotte’s odds of winning the Coastal are as good as anybody’s.

UTSA at North Texas 7:30pm Facebook

utsa-unt utsa-unt utsa-unt. There! Now you’re beatboxing!

San Jose State at Arkansas 7:30pm SECN

Bad west coast team going east to play a bad SEC team in the evening. Hmm. Not sure the rules here.

Oklahoma State at 12 Texas 7:30pm ABC

Chuba Hubbard is gonna get his Heisman moment tonight. I can feel it.

Nevada at UTEP 8:00pm ESPN3

The dark heart of football degeneracy is still beating. MWC and CUSA linking back up for a game only the most stupid among us can love. And I am as stupid as they come.

Nebraska at Illinois 8:00pm BTN

I told you ranking Nebraska was a mistake. I don’t think I needed to but it’s still worth noting that I did.

7 Notre Dame at 3 Georgia 8:00pm CBS

This is only the third all time meeting between Notre Dame and UGA. The line for this one is up to 14.5 but both previous meetings were decided by one score or less. That’s not necessarily relevant to this matchup but Georgia -14.5 still seems crazy to me even though I hope they win by 58.

Colorado at 24 Arizona State 10:00pm Pac-12N

The first rule of Pac-12 after dark is betting on a Pac-12 after dark game is a terrible idea. That’s probably the only rule.

Sacramento State at Fresno State 10:00pm Facebook

A game that belongs on facebook. Maybe only on facebook. Why waste money on upkeep for stands and press boxes?

Toledo at Colorado State 10:15pm ESPN2

I will for sure be torn away from the TV but this late run of weird matchups in style and uniforms is exactly what I love about college football and it will just keep getting better the deeper we get into the night.

Utah State at San Diego State 10:30pm CBSSN

This is my entire brand explicated. A potential first round QB playing against San Diego State until 2am east coast time on CBS Sports? Be still my heart.

UCLA at 19 Washington State 10:30pm ESPN

And the marquee late game is Mike Leach and Chip Kelly in a seemingly very lopsided matchup. Run it up, you stupid boomer pirate.

Central Arkansas at Hawaii 11:59pm Spectrum / Facebook

A great night of degenerate football only truly ends with a Hawaii home game. On facebook? Sure. Facebook should make one of those stupid little handheld black & white TVs that only receives facebook sports broadcasts. I would probably buy one just to watch Hawaii on the smallest screen possible.