#Elle Reed | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

oliverreedmasterass · 2 years ago

Text

Words: 7.6k

Warnings: smoking, sexual innuendos, some head trauma, cops, brief mention of v*mit, Led Zeppelin comparisons, Sam’s bare feet

Synopsis: Because I’m trying to not get my hopes up that we’ll get a second part to arguably the best video on the internet, this is how I’d imagine it would play out

Notes: An EXCEPTIONALLY LARGE thank you to @starcatcherkiszka, @jmkho, @writingcold, @collecting-moons-downstairs, and the anons for the submissions! Hopefully you (kinda) got your questions answered...

--------------------------------------------

The scene opens in an interrogation room that is empty, with the exception of a hooded figure in the corner. Chatter can just barely be heard beyond the large, metal door. The camera is steady. After a few beats, SAM enters the room, his head hung low and his arms in shackles. He shuffles over to the interrogation table and plops into the uncomfortable chair with a sigh, carefully removing his oversized sunglasses and tossing them to the side. He kicks his bare feet up onto the table, revealing a glimpse at his short shorts and dress shirt. He doesn’t seem to notice the hooded figure. Sam is wearing a fake mustache over his real facial hair.

SAM: Whoo boy, whatta day.

The door opens once more and DANNY enters, his hands also cuffed. He looks like he just came off the stage from one of their shows, wearing one of his sparkly tops, black pants, white sneakers, and stage makeup.

DANNY: Hey, Sam.

SAM: They got you too?

DANNY: We were brought here together.

SAM: Come here, old pal, let me hug you.

Danny scrunches his nose like that’s the last thing he wants Sam to do, but he cautiously approaches Sam’s side and lets Sam awkwardly lift his handcuffed hands over Danny’s head and past his shoulders to engulf him in a tight embrace. While this is happening, JOSH kicks the door back open with a loud shout and thunders into the room. Sam and Danny turn back and watch Josh step up to the interrogation table, putting his hands on his hips. Josh is wearing a spacesuit that was very obviously purchased from Party City. He removes his space helmet and poofs back up his curls.

JOSH: Sorry folks, I was caught in the holding cell because my suit latched onto the prison bed. I got into a really invigorating conversation with a self-proclaimed pyromaniac about the burning of Notre Dame and managed to sneak a swig or two of gin from the police chief when he wasn’t looking. My head is spinning a little because I think the ABV was above 80% but that just means I can’t tell left from right, which is no matter since I normally can’t tell the difference anyways.

SAM: Where are your handcuffs?

Josh looks down at his hands, which are entirely freed.

JOSH: I Houdini’d my way out of them.

Josh scans around the room.

JOSH: Is Jake here yet?

SAM: Nope.

DANNY: I haven’t seen him.

JOSH: Huh.

Josh turns in a circle looking for his twin, to no avail. The door opens again and the three men turn to see a detective enter the room. DETECTIVE ACE is a hard looking man who has obviously seen some shit over the years. He’s carrying a steaming cup of coffee and an especially delectable donut that Josh can’t help but lick his lips at. Detective Ace motions for them all to sit back at the table. Sam and Danny struggle to untangle themselves from their complicated hug.

DETECTIVE ACE: Morning, gentlemen. Let me lay down some ground rules here: I’ve got a lot of questions that I’m gonna need you to answer. Now, we can do this the easy way or the hard way, which I’m sure you understand, but I want you to know that we’ll all be better off if you answer openly and honestly so we can crack down on this. Capiche?

Josh, Sam, and Danny all silently shrug. That seems to be enough for Detective Ace. He looks across the table at the three and then squints.

DETECTIVE ACE: Isn’t there supposed to be another one of you?

JOSH: He’ll be here, he’s usually late.

DETECTIVE ACE: Where could he possibly be? We’ve been keeping you all in a holding cell for the past twelve hours.

SAM: Jake’s never been on time in his life. We should get started. He’ll come when he comes.

DETECTIVE ACE: I feel like I should be more concerned about that, but okay. Let’s get this thing going.

JOSH: Yes, why don’t we have a ball, huh? Let’s have a ball.

Sam reaches up and strokes his fake mustache, which Danny notices for the first time. Danny lets out a short choke and quickly holds his hands up to his mouth to suppress his laugh. Sam beams at Danny’s reaction.

DETECTIVE ACE: First things first, do you prefer tea or coffee?

DANNY: How kind of you to offer.

DETECTIVE ACE: Just answer the question, son.

DANNY: Coffee.

SAM: (leaning to whisper to Danny) Less talkie, more coffee.

DANNY: (under breath) Don’t remind me.

JOSH: I actually prefer to mix the two together to see how much caffeine I can fill into my fleshly form in one go.

SAM: Caffeine gives me the shits. I prefer kombucha.

JOSH: Dude, kombucha is tea.

SAM: No way.

DANNY: What did you think you were drinking?

SAM: (whispering) Spicy water?

Danny holds his head in his hands and shakes his head. Sam looks between Danny and Josh, his eyes wide.

SAM: How do you both know what kombucha is?

DANNY: Have you really never read the bottle?

DETECTIVE ACE: (clears throat) Next question. This one is for Daniel: the chaos of the Kiszka brothers must get to you. Have you ever reached your limit? If so, what was the event that caused you to break? And finally, what was your retribution?

DANNY: Hmmm.

JOSH: Don’t say anything too incriminating, Daniel.

DANNY: I’ve definitely come close. Especially when we were younger, you know, in the garage band days, they would butt heads a lot. There were times when I was tempted to storm back to my house after hearing Jake and Josh argue for what felt like hours on end. But I don’t know, I’ve spent a lot of my life with them, I guess I’m kind of used to it. Even when they’re being absolute menaces out in public, it’s never made me break.

SAM: What about Amsterdam?

DANNY: Oh, wait, yeah, I did reach my breaking point in Amsterdam.

DETECTIVE ACE: What happened in Amsterdam?

Danny winces and looks at Sam and Josh to see if he should keep talking. Sam nods. Josh is too busy messing around with the straps on his spacesuit to notice Danny’s glance.

DANNY: It was a few years ago. We were going to play at a festival, but before the gig we went to one of those, uh, coffee shops and got our fill, I guess you could say. Jake and Josh got pretty cocky after that and started to hound me about how I needed to put more force into my hi-hat or some shit like that, which I really didn’t want to hear. That was tearing me down, but then I turned around and saw that Sam was jumping into the canal, entirely clothed. After I ran down to the side of the canal to try and help Sam, Jake pushed me in as well. When I got out, I immediately told them I quit the band and stormed back to our hotel.

SAM: He was on stage with us three hours later.

DANNY: Yeah, so they really didn’t face too much retribution there.

JOSH: We deserved it, though. Poor, poor Daniel.

DETECTIVE ACE takes a sip from his coffee and then looks down at his notepad.

DETECTIVE ACE: Okay, I need a statement on your friend, Oliver Reed. Is he really dead?

The hooded figure, who has been standing in the corner entirely motionless, quickly stirs and then leaps forward with a loud “YAR!” making everyone in the room jump. The hooded figure tears off the cloak in an impressive swoop, revealing OLIVER REED with his beard longer than ever.

OLIVER REED: OLIVER FFFFFUCKING REED LIVES IN THE SPIRITUAL REALM NOW, BUT HIS SOUL IS STILL ALIVE AND WELL. THE DEVIL HAS GRANTED ME AN HOUR ABOVE GROUND TO VISIT OLD FRIENDS, ENEMIES, AND LOVERS.

SAM: Oh my god, Oliver Reed is alive!

OLIVER REED: (growling) What did eye jus say, boy? Yew got no fffffucking ears on you? I’m fuckin dead, my bleeding ghost is here to tie up some loose ends.

JOSH: How much time do you have left before the devil takes you back, Oliver?

Oliver Reed grunts and reaches into his back pocket to study his phone.

OLIVER REED: Six minutes, it looks like.

DANNY: What were you doing in those other fifty-four minutes?

Oliver Reed grabs a cigar and matches out of his vest pocket and lights it, taking a big puff. Then, he starts to laugh at first softly, and then louder and louder.

DANNY: Nevermind, I don’t want to know.

OLIVER REED: Yew know, I talk a lot with Ernest Hemmingway down under, he’s a class act, he is. He can nearly outdrink me. Nearly, though. Ay’ve still got ‘im there. One time we ‘ad a drink off with this shit the devil brews, it’s called a Soul Sucker, aye think. It’s straight shit and maybe a little motor oil. Well, I rolled me sleeves up, rubbed me hands together, and grabbed ‘at big ol’ bottle and chugged it like it was a glass o’ water. And Ernest told me, he said, ‘Oliver, boy, you need to slow down’ to which I said, ‘actually, when yew go too fast, don’t slow down, yer gonna crash.’ Ernest said that was a bloody brilliant quote, and he was going to add it to his new novel, about sexual pleasure and the majesty of the seed.

SAM: Okay, thank you, Oliver.

OLIVER REED: I’m not done yet.

DANNY: (to Detective Ace) Please ask us another question before he starts talking again.

DETECTIVE ACE: Oh, um (clears throat) Okay. Would you rather be locked in a room with one cockroach the size of a medium dog or 100 regular cockroaches?

Oliver Reed pulls off his sunglasses and bends over to be at eye level with Detective Ace, who is still sitting at the interrogation table. Oliver’s eyes are piercing, and they are terrifying. Detective Ace recoils back in his seat a bit.

OLIVER REED: Wot the bloody ‘ell kind of question is ‘at? Cockroaches? Cockroaches?! Well, aye know a thing or two about cocks and I know a thing or two about roaches -

SAM: (cutting Oliver Reed off) Oh GOD.

OLIVER REED: So aye guess ay’d ‘ave to say the giant cock would do fer me. I don’t think aye could wrap me head ‘round a hundred o’ those peckers.

Sam slams his head into the interrogation table with a groan. Danny is quick to make sure that Sam didn’t give himself a concussion.

DANNY: (to Sam) How many fingers am I holding up?

OLIVER REED: HE’S HOLDIN’ THREE, AYE ‘AVEN’T HAD ‘AT MUCH TO DRINK YET, I CAN STILL SEE STRAIGHT.

Danny: I wasn’t talking to you, Oliver.

SAM: Three.

Danny throws his hands in the air, giving up. Josh is silent, thinking especially hard about the cockroach question.

JOSH: I think I would take one hundred small ones.

OLIVER REED: Go and gettem, boy! That’s what Ernest says. If yew’ve got the stamina, by all means.

JOSH: I think I could domesticate them and get them to follow me around. Think of how cool it would be to have a hundred cockroaches near you at all times.

SAM: (peering up at Josh as his head still rests on the table) Literally no one would find that cool. Except you, apparently.

JOSH: I’d give them all names and take care of them.

DANNY: Well, that makes me feel bad. I was gonna say I’d take a big one because it would be easier to kill in one go. Sure, it would take some muscle power and probably be traumatizing, but I’d rather know where the cockroach was at all times than be guessing where all the tiny ones are.

SAM: I ate a cockroach once when I was a kid.

DETECTIVE ACE: Moving on, Danny, I need to clear something up with you: which Hogwarts house are you in?

SAM: Oh shit, yeah, we never found that out in our last video because you didn’t want me sitting on your head in my underwear.

DANNY: Can you blame me?

OLIVER REED: HUFFLEPUFF!

JOSH: (to Oliver Reed) No, buddy, we’re talking about Daniel here.

OLIVER REED: Did I fffffucking stutter?

DANNY: I would say I’m a Ravenclaw.

SAM: Not Gryffindor?

DANNY: Nope, I never felt like I would fit in there. I was always pretty studious in school while you guys were the ones causing trouble.

JOSH: You call it trouble, I call it freedom.

DANNY: You call lighting a trashcan in the teacher’s parking lot freedom?

JOSH: Absolutely.

DETECTIVE ACE: Are you afraid of the dark?

DANNY: Yes.

SAM: No.

JOSH: (squinting) Why?

OLIVER REED: When yer dead, the darkness becomes yew. It’s somethin’ yew can’t fear unless yew want to fear yerself, which I wouldn’t recommend, because then yew start to lose yer sense of self and decay into a shell of who yew once were.

JOSH: Okay, yes, I am afraid of the dark.

OLIVER REED: Don’t be, it can’t hurt yew.

Oliver Reed’s face suddenly pales and he throws his hands up to cover his head, letting out a terrified squawk.

JOSH: (abruptly standing to his feet) What? What’s wrong?

OLIVER REED: My time is up. The devil is here for me. He brings the darkness.

Oliver Reed is staring directly at Sam.

SAM: Dude, I’m not the devil.

OLIVER REED: Tell yer mother I said ‘elloooooooooooooooooooo

Oliver Reed crumples into a ball on the floor Wicked Witch of the West-style, out of sight of the camera, presumably back down to hell. Some smoke rises from the floor.

JOSH: You know, for all of his flaws, he is a fun guy to be around.

DANNY: He stresses me out.

A knock sounds on the door. Detective Ace springs to his feet and opens the door, revealing JAKE, who is wearing his infamous straw hat, paired with a black t-shirt that reads “babygirl” in an italic font.

JAKE: Sorry I’m late.

Jake steps into the room and grabs a seat beside Josh, giving him a hearty pat on the back.

JOSH: You just missed Oliver Reed.

JAKE: Really? Darn, that’s too bad. We can never seem to cross paths. Maybe one of these days.

SAM: You probably just have to say “shit” three times and put a bottle of whiskey out to get him back.

DETECTIVE ACE: Speaking of shit, is there any chance you guys will do a ‘Behind the Shit’ series for YouTube?

JAKE: (whispering to Josh) Wait, why are we in the slammer?

JOSH: (whispering back) Identity theft.

SAM: We do have the title trademarked, but we’re unfortunately legally barred from sharing any insider details about our upcoming promotional material for our new album.

JAKE: What a mature answer to that question, Sammy Boy. The media training is finally sticking.

Sam blows Jake a raspberry.

DANNY: We’re lucky to have a great social media team that catches some of our best and, well, not-so-best moments to share with our fans. I think it’s important to let our audience see that we have depth to us beyond our stage personas.

DETECTIVE ACE: Fair enough. What do your fans have to do to hear “The Barbarians” live?

JOSH: So, what they’re gonna do is they’re gonna grab their checkbook, write me a number with a lot of zeros in it, and sign their name at the bottom.

JAKE: We played Barbarians not too long ago, didn’t we?

SAM: I think there’s a high demand that we make it a regular.

DANNY: It’s that guitar part, Jake. They can’t get enough of it.

JAKE: Well, that’s more than enough to stroke my god complex. I say we play it every show, boys.

Sam notices Jake’s shirt for the first time.

SAM: Babygirl??

JAKE: Huh? (looks down at shirt) Oh, yeah. Like it?

SAM: I thought I was the baby?

JAKE: You’re so baby. It’s different.

SAM: Wha- how?

DANNY: He’s right.

With a grunt, Danny removes his own shirt, revealing that he’s wearing a babygirl shirt as well. Sam gapes at his friend.

DETECTIVE ACE: Is Daniel a Sephora VIB Rouge member yet?

JOSH: What’s that?

SAM: I think it stands for “Very Important Bitch.” In which case, yes, he is a VIB member.

DANNY: (softly) I do have a Sephora member card.

JAKE: Wait, really?

DANNY: It made a lot of sense financially. Plus they send me cool stuff every month, so it’s something to look forward to.

JAKE: (throwing himself back in his chair) Huh.

DANNY: I got an eyeliner pencil I think you’d like. You can have it.

JAKE: (softly, to Danny) Yes please.

SAM: Can I get something?

DANNY: Sure.

Danny fumbles around in his pockets like he’s looking for something. Sam watches him with interest. Danny lifts his hand back up from his pocket, shooting Sam the bird. Sam immediately pouts.

DETECTIVE ACE: Can we expect any new musical instruments on the album?

JOSH: You can anticipate a lot of evolved sonic elements. With Starcatcher, we wanted to challenge ourselves and expand our sound into something that somehow feels even larger than life than The Battle at Gardens Gate. Each song should transport you to a different time, place, and frame of mind.

JAKE: Yeah, there is a lot more experimentation happening for this album, extending even beyond the instruments we use. A lot of it lies in the production as well, which we put a lot of thought into. We’re at the point in our musical journey where it’s almost like we’re at a crossroads: do we continue developing a sound that we’ve already created, or do we move in a new direction? It’s an exciting question to face, and I guess you’ll learn the answer soon.

SAM: You guys are talking all big about new sounds and shit, but we never reached the Beach Boys-level of experimentation, using celery as a musical instrument.

JOSH: Sam’s still upset that we didn’t let him play the zucchini on one of our tracks.

SAM: There was potential there, and you know it.

DANNY: Not when you’re using that zucchini as a bow on your bass. It sounded like ass.

SAM: You shut it down before I could figure it out. I was onto something, I swear!

Jake, Josh, and Danny all turn to Detective Ace and very evidently mouth to him at the same time, “he wasn’t.”

DETECTIVE ACE: (scans notes again) This one looks like something my colleague wrote out. Ummmm, Sammy, when will you shave off your facial hair? Frowny face.

Sam furrows his brow and stands to his feet, slamming his hands down on the interrogation table with a loud BANG! He glares at Detective Ace and proceeds to rip off his fake mustache, revealing his real mustache underneath. He discards the fake mustache and it lands on the side of Josh’s face so it’s almost like he’s got a single sideburn. Josh’s face contorts into a look of utmost disgust.

SAM: Does that answer your question?

DETECTIVE ACE: It definitely doesn’t.

Sam retrieves another fake mustache from his back pocket and carefully places it on his face. It’s a lot more crooked than his previous fake mustache, and notably bright red. Seemingly content, Sam takes his seat once more. Detective Ace awkwardly clears his throat and shuffles his papers.

DETECTIVE ACE: This one is for Josh. Would you ever want to pursue acting or directing again outside of your music videos?

JOSH: Mayhaps.

JAKE: You did not just say “mayhaps.”

JOSH: Mayhaps I did.

Jake shakes his head in disbelief.

JOSH: I’m genuinely distraught that I didn’t get a casting call for the new Barbie movie. But I am relieved that Christopher Nolan didn’t reach out about Oppenheimer. I don’t think I could work with Josh Peck.

SAM: Right, you couldn’t handle there being another, more successful, Josh on set.

DANNY: Is Josh Peck really that successful?

SAM: (gesturing back at Josh) More than this idiot.

JOSH: (ignoring Sam) I’ve tried writing some stuff over the years and, I don’t know, there are some projects I’d like to pursue, but right now music is in the forefront of my mind. We’ve got some momentum that I don’t want to tamper with.

JAKE: Thank god for that.

JOSH: I do want to make a loose adaptation of The Wizard of Oz though, where they join a cult in the woods with the apple tree men. Maybe they’d sacrifice Toto or something, I don’t know. I think it could be a good opportunity to provide commentary on the People’s Temple Church. Is that controversial to say? I don’t know.

SAM: It’s stupid to say, that’s what it is.

JOSH: Some people just aren’t ready for big ideas.

DANNY: (under his breath) The last thing we need is another Wizard of Oz adaptation. No one can beat what the Muppets did.

DETECTIVE ACE: I think I’ve heard enough about the cults. So, why do you all hate Tumblr?

JOSH: What’s a Tumblr?

JAKE: I think it’s that thing that you put drinks in.

JOSH: Oh.

SAM: It’s a social media site. And no, we don’t hate it.

DANNY: I thought it wasn’t around anymore.

SAM: (a little too quickly) No, it’s around.

Danny whirls around to study Sam. Their eyes dance about as if they’re having a telepathic conversation. Danny leans closer into Sam’s side.

DANNY: (just barely audible) Why are you on Tumblr?

SAM: I like reading fanfiction on the bus. It’s really entertaining.

DANNY: About us?

SAM: We’ll talk about it later.

JOSH: (repeating himself) What’s a Tumblr?

JAKE: I don’t hate anything.

DANNY: You hate geese.

JAKE: Oh shit, yeah. (through grit teeth) I fuckin hate geese.

DETECTIVE ACE: Are you going to revive your band’s Tumblr account?

SAM: (perking up) We have a band account?

DANNY: Based on that reaction, I think it’s safe to say there will be some activity there soon.

DETECTIVE ACE: (nodding) What is your go-to cereal?

JOSH: (giving his signature chuckle) I’m sorry, uh (looks around at his band members) Why is this relevant?

JAKE: (thoughtfully) You can tell a lot about a person by the cereal they eat.

JOSH: So, what’s your go-to then, Jakey?

JAKE: Honey Nut Cheerios.

JOSH: So basically you’re boring. You’re boring, Jake.

DANNY: And concerned about his heart health. What about you, Josh?

JOSH: Easy. Fruit Loops. Raw.

JAKE: So you like holes.

JOSH: I could say the same about you, Honey Nut Cheerios are the same shape!

DANNY: Wait, raw??

JOSH: I don’t need milk. Actually, I can’t have milk with my cereal because it builds up phlegm around my vocal cords. So I eat my cereal raw.

SAM: I like Lucky Charms, but only the marshmallows. Wait, no, I don’t like cereal. I’m more of an oatmeal guy.

JOSH: You’re a weird fucker.

JAKE: So you like to eat vomit?

SAM: It’s delightful with a bit of fruit, you don’t know what you’re talking about!

JOSH: What’s your choice cereal, Daniel?

DANNY: I gotta go with Frosted Mini Wheats. They’re a classic.

JAKE: That’s actually, yeah, okay, that’s a good answer.

JOSH: I can’t find any faults there.

SAM: I’m gonna force you to eat oatmeal when we get home.

JAKE: I’d like to see you try.

DETECTIVE ACE: What do you do when you can’t sleep at night?

SAM: Eat oatmeal.

JAKE: I usually can’t sleep at night because I’m so disturbed by the image of Sam eating oatmeal.

JOSH: I go out and look at the stars and ponder life, death, and the history of time. Usually a nice cup of tea helps me too. And some other, uh, let’s call them supplements.

DANNY: I listen to my comfort albums.

SAM: What? Like Billy Squier?

DANNY: No. Like Rumors and Abbey Road. I’ve had some pretty nasty insomnia over the years, but there’s nothing quite like Fleetwood Mac or the Beatles to ease the mind.

JAKE: When I can’t sleep, I get so frustrated that I start punching shit.

JOSH: I once caught him punching the refrigerator at 4am.

JAKE: It’s cathartic, but it also makes me tired enough that I can fall asleep. I’ve even come up with some guitar riffs over the years while doing it.

JOSH: Jake wrote the “Built By Nations” solo while he was punching a lawn mower in the middle of the night.

DANNY: I wish they were joking.

SAM: One time Jake started punching me when he couldn’t sleep.

JAKE: I’ve told you, it wasn’t a direct attack, it was just a convenience thing. You were the closest to me and I was half-awake.

JOSH: This isn’t making us look very good, is it?

DETECTIVE ACE: You’re a bunch of characters, I can tell you that. Another question, specifically for Sam: did you meet your crush, Hozier, at Shaky Knees? And who has better hair?

SAM: I feel a little bit attacked by that question, Ace. First of all, he’s not my crush.

DANNY: He’s my crush.

SAM: That’s right, Danny is head over heels for the guy. He called dibs. Secondly, it’s not fair to compare our hair.

JAKE: That’s Sammy’s way of admitting that Andrew’s hair is better.

DANNY: We did get to meet him backstage, even though it was really brief. He’s a great guy, it would be incredible to collaborate with him on something down the road.

JOSH: His voice is like an angel. And his lyrics? Perfect. He can do no wrong.

DANNY: Sam’s knees nearly buckled when he first saw him. I had to hold him upright.

SAM: I thought we agreed that was going to stay between us.

DANNY: Sorry, it felt relevant to mention.

JAKE: I met Jack Black. It was probably one of the best days of my life.

JOSH: Did he play you the greatest song in the world?

JAKE: No, he couldn’t remember the greatest song in the world, he could only play a tribute.

Jake and Josh share a goofy smile.

DANNY: Andrew, if you’re watching this, please do a song with me.

Sam nods his head rapidly. Across the table, Detective Ace’s phone starts to ring.

DETECTIVE ACE: Sorry, excuse me for one second, I need to take this.

Detective Ace gets up from his seat and hustles out of the room while answering his phone with a quick, “yello?” The members of Greta Van Fleet sit still in silence, listening to Detective Ace’s footsteps grow softer. Finally, Josh springs to his feet.

JOSH: Think he’s gone?

Jake stands as well and peers out the window in the door.

JAKE: I don’t see him.

JOSH: Okay, good. We’re breaking out of here.

SAM: What? Why? He seems nice.

DANNY: I don’t think that’s a good idea.

JOSH: I’m like a bird, I need to be free.

JAKE: I just want to see if we can pull it off.

DANNY: How do we know there’s not someone behind that two way mirror?

Danny turns to point at the massive two way mirror that lines the wall in front of them. Jake and Josh study the mirror and then shrug.

JAKE: If someone’s there, let’s see if they can stop us.

DANNY: What? No.

Josh joins Sam’s side and grabs his spacesuit helmet.

JOSH: Hold still, Samuel.

SAM: Huh?

Josh slams his helmet down on Sam’s handcuffs, hitting more of Sam’s hands than the actual handcuffs. Sam starts to holler out in pain, but Josh clamps a hand over his mouth.

JOSH: Ssshhh, don’t blow our cover, okay?

SAM: MMMmmmrmph???

Josh reaches the helmet back up to give it another go, but Danny grabs his hand to stop him from inflicting anymore pain or damage on Sam. Sam breathes out a sigh of relief.

JOSH: So maybe we can get the handcuffs off you guys after we escape.

Behind Josh, Jake grabs a chair from the interrogation table and chucks it at the two way mirror with a shout. The chair comically bounces off the mirror and lands on the floor, shattering into what looks like a million pieces. The mirror is unscathed.

JAKE: (out of breath) Shit, I really thought that was gonna work.

Now it’s Josh’s turn: he puts the helmet back on his head, taps it a couple of times for good luck, and hurls himself at the mirror head first. At this exact moment, Detective Ace comes back into the room.

JAKE: Quick! Everyone act normal!

Josh is flattened out on the floor. Sam is tending to his hands. Danny is shaking his head in disbelief. Jake tries to block the view of the chair that he absolutely decimated with a wide stance, awkwardly putting his hands on his hips with a large, fake smile.

DETECTIVE ACE: What the hell is going on here?

Danny crouches down next to Josh and carefully removes his helmet.

JOSH: (softly) Did we make it out?

DANNY: Definitely not.

JOSH: Damn. Better luck next time.

Danny helps Josh back up to his feet and Josh holds onto him briefly for support before regaining his balance and composure.

DETECTIVE ACE: Do you want to join me back at the table?

DANNY: Yep.

Josh and Danny return to the table and grab their seats again. Detective Ace also sits, leaving Jake standing around, lost, since he destroyed his chair. Jake looks unsure what to do, and then finally opts to try and hold a squat at the table, mimicking sitting in a chair.

DETECTIVE ACE: (nodding towards Josh) Are you okay?

Josh shrugs.

SAM: You wouldn’t believe how much head trauma he’s had over the years.

DETECTIVE ACE: No, I think I would. Are you all ready to continue on with the questioning? I’m sorry for stepping out, the police chief needed to check in about something.

SAM: Everything okay?

DETECTIVE ACE: Nothing I can disclose.

SAM: Fair enough.

DETECTIVE ACE: Alright. I want to talk about your “Meeting the Master” music video: is there any lore going on there?

DANNY: Yes.

SAM: Yes.

JAKE: Yes.

JOSH: Esyay.

Everyone abruptly turns to face Josh, who looks back at them in confusion.

JOSH: Isyay erethay omethingsay ongwray?

SAM: Oh god, he’s speaking pig latin.

JAKE: Not again.

DETECTIVE ACE: Not again?

Jake stands from his squat with a grunt and a few pops and then shuffles to Josh’s side and turns him around in his chair so they’re face to face.

JAKE: You gotta snap out of it, Josh. Snap out of it!

Jake snaps his fingers in front of Josh’s face a few times. Josh has a delayed reaction.

JAKE: Shit.

JOSH: Iyay eelfay inefay.

SAM: I think we should keep him this way. It’s kinda funny.

DANNY: No one’s gonna know what he’s saying.

JAKE: Does anyone know what he’s usually saying?

Danny purses his lips. Jake has a point.

JOSH: Owhay antsway otay alktay aboutyay ouryay usicmay ideovay?

DANNY: I got it. There’s definitely a story being told in our “Meeting the Master” music video. I don’t think we should hand you the answer on a silver platter since there’s a lot of rewards that come with analyzing it and forming your own perspective on the message, but we definitely drew inspiration from specific art pieces, old literature, and key pieces of history.

JAKE: If you look closely, we do a few callbacks to earlier music videos and songs as well. There’s a lot of easter eggs in there.

SAM: The main lore is those red gloves were really hard to get on and take off. I was about ready to accept that they were going to become a part of me.

DANNY: That’s not really what lore means, Sam.

Sam looks like he could care less and focuses his attention on stroking his fake mustache. Detective Ace can’t stop staring at him.

JOSH: Ethay usicmay ideovay isyay illedfay ithway agicmay, evilyay, andyay ethay owerpay atthay omescay ithway omisingpray impossibleyay ingsthay. Iyay eallyray eelfay ikelay it'syay oneyay ofyay ouryay ostmay ignificantsay andyay elevantray usicmay ideosvay etyay, eoplepay ouldshay aketay isthay asyay ayay arningway andyay asyay anyay opportunityyay otay eflectray onyay eirthay iveslay andyay ethay ecisionsday eythay akemay eachyay ayday. Inyay actfay, iyay ouldway ecommendray atthay -

JAKE: I can’t do this.

Jake grabs Josh’s helmet, secures it back on Josh’s head, grabs him around the waist, and chucks him into the mirror once more, head first.

DETECTIVE ACE: Oh.

Danny springs to his feet in shock.

DANNY: Jake!

JAKE: (down to Josh, who is on the floor again) Better?

Josh groans and rolls around so he’s on his back and pulls off his helmet.

JOSH: Je ne peux pas croire que tu viens de me jeter comme ça. (I can’t believe you just threw me like that)

Jake hoists Josh up once more and slams his helmeted head against the mirror.

JAKE: (out of breath) Now?

JOSH: I think so.

JAKE: Thank fuckin god.

Josh and Jake return to the table. Jake swoops in to steal Josh’s seat before he can sit, leaving Josh standing behind Jake, Danny, and Sam while scratching at the back of his head.

DANNY: (to Josh) Are you okay?

JOSH: I’ve had worse.

DETECTIVE ACE: I’ll ease you back in with a simpler question. How many pairs of shoes do you have?

SAM: None.

Sam leans back in his chair, kicks his feet up, and slams them down on the table, revealing his bare dogs. Detective Ace’s cup of lukewarm coffee is spilled in the process, forming a puddle around Danny’s discarded top that he shed earlier.

DANNY: Aw man.

Beside Danny, Jake is counting on his fingers while staring up at the ceiling in deep concentration.

JAKE: I would approximate about six. But I really only wear three pairs on the regular.

JOSH: (teasing with a callback) He keeps his pumps in the back of the closet for special occasions.

Jake scowls in Josh’s direction.

DANNY: I probably own too many shoes. I should donate some.

JOSH: Yeah, donate them to Sam, please.

SAM: I lied, I do own a pair of shoes. Actually, maybe two. Or three.

JOSH: Will there be any consequences if I give an incorrect answer? I genuinely don’t know.

DETECTIVE ACE: You can give an estimate.

JOSH: Between 0-50.

JAKE: He is a diva, you know. And divas need their shoes.

JOSH: I mostly have sneakers, nothing fancy. I need something that’s easy to slip out of, you know, not too confining.

SAM: Gotta let the dogs breathe!

DETECTIVE ACE: Moving on from the feet, would you ever consider doing meet and greets again?

DANNY: Ummmmmm…

SAM: I don’t really like the idea of people paying to meet us. I mean, we really aren’t that great.

JAKE: That’s your opinion.

SAM: I’d rather meet fans naturally, while we’re out and about. It’s a lot more intimate that way, a lot less pressure. If you see me, buy me a drink and I’ll be your best friend.

DANNY: I do agree with that. I mean, I value my privacy, but I don’t want to have some super commercialized meet and greet where you take a picture with me, give me a hug, and then walk away a hundred bucks poorer.

SAM: At the end of the day, we’re just human. Treat us that way.

JOSH: I have nothing to add to that.

Josh reaches into a pocket in his spacesuit and retrieves a bag of red rhinestones and a bottle of glue. Detective Ace eyes him cautiously, but Josh doesn’t notice. He’s too busy tearing into the packaging and opening his glue.

DETECTIVE ACE: Do you believe in love at first sight?

Josh places dots of glue on his cheeks and quickly covers them with the red rhinestones, looking as if he has a case of extra sparkly chicken pox. He doesn’t stop there though: Josh continues to mindlessly add the rhinestones to his face until it’s becoming challenging to see his bare skin.

JAKE: (sincerely) I think it does.

SAM: I fell in love with my bass the first time I saw it, does that count?

JOSH: (while still adding rhinestones to his face) Love is a delightful, innocent, beautiful thing. You really never know where it’s going to take you, but it’s around us all the time. Sure, it can be challenging to spot out at times, but I think it does have the power to strike you immediately, without necessarily knowing someone. It’s a part of human nature to love, and be loved.

Danny is too busy watching Josh turn himself into the personification of Dorothy’s slippers to answer the question. Detective Ace takes Danny’s silence as a cue to move on to his next question. Before he can, though, Josh clears his throat and nods towards the door. Every square inch of his face is now covered in rhinestones.

JOSH: Can I use the gents?

DETECTIVE ACE: By all means.

Josh hustles out of the room.

JAKE: He’s all about his theatrics, never a dull moment with that one.

Danny ducks underneath the table and seems to be fussing around with something. Sam leans over to ask if he needs help, and then Danny motions for him to join him under the table, which Sam does with a laugh. This leaves only Jake sitting at the table, staring at Detective Ace with a blank look. Detective Ace looks back at him. Jake doesn’t appear to be blinking. After a frankly unnerving amount of time staring back and forth at each other, Sam pops his head back out from under the table, no longer wearing his red mustache. Danny comes out as well and is wearing a long, straight, brunette wig, a fake beard, and a bucket hat, his stage makeup entirely wiped off. His babygirl shirt has been swapped for a button up top that looks straight out of the seventies. He takes a seat back in his chair and pulls out a pair of drumsticks, which he twirls around. Shortly afterwards, Josh re-enters the interrogation room with his face scrubbed clean of the rhinestones. He’s wearing a long, blonde, curly wig and his Elle Fernanda glasses.

ELLE FERNANDA: The line in that bathroom was a-trocious!

SAM: Elle Fernanda? To what do I owe the pleasure?

ELLE FERNANDA: I was just in town, looking around for a new chunky candamera, and I wandered in here. I saw some nice donuts in the window from the street.

DANNY: (in a jarring British accent) Would you like to join us?

ELLE FERNANDA: Well, you seem like a very polite gentleman. I’ll happily take a seat and settle for a little bit to rest my feet.

Elle Fernanda approaches Jake and clears her throat. Jake looks up at her and Elle Fernanda motions that he get out of her seat. Jake looks like he really doesn’t want to, but he stands and backs away from the table.

ELLE FERNANDA: Thank you, darling.

DETECTIVE ACE: We were answering some questions, if you don’t mind.

ELLE FERNANDA: Oh, please, go ahead, I’ll try not to be a bother.

Elle Fernanda adjusts the glasses on her face and reaches into her purse, retrieving a nail file which she starts using on her fingers.

ELLE FERNANDA: I wish I had some sticked-ons with me. They’d make my hands look really nice today.

DANNY: (still British) Red would look pretty.

ELLE FERNANDA: This young man gets it, he really does!

DETECTIVE ACE: Returning back to the questioning, if you had to get a tattoo right now, what would you get and where?

ELLE FERNANDA: Are you offering? If you pay, I’d get one now.

DETECTIVE ACE: No, it’s a, uh, hypothetical question.

ELLE FERNANDA: Shame.

JAKE: Easy, “Cream” above my buttcrack.

Elle Fernanda raises a hand up to her chest in shock.

ELLE FERNANDA: My word!

SAM: I’d probably get my dog’s paw print somewhere, I don’t know, maybe on the bottom of my foot or something.

JAKE: That sounds fucking painful.

SAM: It would be sentimental.

ELLE FERNANDA: A little bit cliche too.

DANNY: (still British) Maybe the Ludwig logo. Or the Borromean rings.

Detective Ace squints at Danny. Danny is unbothered by this.

ELLE FERNANDA: I would get something sweet, like a flow-ah, or, or, maybe a strawberry or something.

SAM: Where would you put your tattoo, Elle?

ELLE FERNANDA: A lady never tells.

DETECTIVE ACE: Now, will the sword make more appearances?

JAKE: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting for you to ask!

Jake hops on top of the interrogation table with ease and, seemingly out of nowhere, unsheathes his infamous sword, holding it up towards the ceiling in a pose very similar to Luke Skywalker on the Star Wars: A New Hope poster. Elle takes one look at the sword, lets out a shrill shriek, and books it out of the room. Jake seems to be energized by this since he swings the sword around a couple of times, calling out with glee.

SAM: Jake, get down from there!

Jake is unbelievably lost in the moment.

JAKE: Land ho! Treasure ahead, me hearties, we’ll be rich in no time! All we have to do is cross the crocodile-infested swamp and sneak into the cave of shadows and then we’ll be in piles of gold up to our elbows! Yarrrrr!

DANNY: (still British) Will we run into Moby Dick on our way?

JAKE: Argh, no whales with phallic names, me boy, only reptiles with a bloodlust like you wouldn’t believe! But we’ll cut and slash through them like they’re jelly!

Jake continues flinging the sword around which causes Sam to finally step in, carefully joining Jake on top of the table and snatching the sword out of his hand.

SAM: (scolding) I thought we agreed to keep this thing locked up.

JAKE: (snapping out of his pirate fantasy) Sorry I want to have fun from time to time.

SAM: (under breath) No need to go shanking people at a police precinct.

Josh returns back to the room, still donning the long, curly, blonde wig. From the doorway, he carefully steps out of his spacesuit, revealing a blue floral mini-robe that’s open to expose his chest. He’s also wearing an impressive pair of flare jeans.

JOSH: (also British) Sorry, this older woman was making quite the fuss in the front, going off about someone with a sword? She was in hysterics.

JAKE: Oops.

Josh takes a seat beside Danny and gives him a quick fist bump.

JOSH: John.

DANNY: Robert.

DETECTIVE ACE: (looking increasingly skeptical about the scene unfolding in front of him) Can you tell me the song that was most popular the year you were born?

DANNY: Twelfth Street Rag.

JOSH: Same.

SAM: (now also British, albeit with a poor accent) Prisoner of Love. Great tune.

Everyone looks to Jake for his response, but he is no longer at the table. Detective Ace rises to his feet to scan around the room. After Detective Ace turns in half a circle, Jake pops his head out from under the table. He’s wearing a dark, curly mane of a wig on his head and his dragon suit.

JAKE: (British, but a bit different than Oliver Reed) Swinging On A Star.

DETECTIVE ACE: Okay…What’s a conspiracy you believe in?

SAM: The moon landing was a complete hoax.

JAKE: (British) Well, detective, you see, this might come across as a bit outlandish, but I believe that there is a band of young men out in Michigan who are copying our every move in order to find success as rock musicians.

Detective Ace springs to his feet with a new surge of energy.

DETECTIVE ACE: Aha!

Detective Ace fumbles around with a walkie talkie in his euphoria.

DETECTIVE ACE: Sergeant? Yes, I got them.

JOSH: (to Jake) Nice one.

JAKE: It was bound to slip at some point.

Four cops hustle into the room and secure handcuffs around Jake and Josh’s wrists. Sam and Danny each get an additional pair of handcuffs around their wrists just because.

DETECTIVE ACE: You four are charged with identity theft, for posing as the original members of the band, Led Zeppelin.

SAM: That’s absurd! We’d never!

DANNY: Yeah, that’s bogus, man!

DETECTIVE ACE: Take them into processing, I’ve got a lot of paperwork to fill out.

JOSH: This is all just a big misunderstanding, we’re our own people! Are we not allowed to take inspiration from a revolutionary band? Maybe we just have similar interests and perspectives about things!

DETECTIVE ACE: Save it for the judge, buddy.

JOSH: Wait until my lawyer hears about this!

JAKE: (whispering) We don’t have a lawyer.

JOSH: Shit!! How have we made it this far?

JAKE: Luck. A lot of luck.

The cops escort Sam, Danny, Jake, and Josh out of the room. Josh is the last to leave, but he sticks his head back into the room one last time.

JOSH: AND I WOULD HAVE GOTTEN AWAY WITH IT TOO IF IT WEREN’T FOR YOU MEDDLING KIDS!

The cop drags Josh back out into the hallway and the door slams shut, leaving Detective Ace alone in the room. He studies the discarded chairs and mess in front of him and shakes his head in disbelief. In silence he lights a cigarette and takes a long drag, looking thoughtful.

DETECTIVE ACE: Were my questions addressed? Yes, but at what cost?

70 notes · View notes