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spinster-sisters · 4 years ago

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Crush. PSH, JYN

TW: dom! Seonghwa, sub! Yunho, sub! Reader,threesome, exhibitionism, degradation (use of the words slut and whore), bondage (male receiving), Sir kink, overstim (kinda, idk how much counts as overstim but im putting it here anyway), excessive use of the word wet, panty kink, buldging, k so heres the deal, in this thing yunho has a crush on both the reader and seonghwa and seongwha is probably also attracted to men based on the way i wrote this but there is no actually mxm interaction PHYSICALLY, also fun fact at no point anywhere in this is there the letters Y/N cuz i have decided i hate that shit and istead u get excessive pet names.

WC: 4k

AN: this is 4k words of pure smut, like plot if you SQUINT right at the begnining but even that is pretty smutty. ngl its prettyy shit. im sorry lol. also this isnt specifically idolverse or nah, it could kinda go either way so thats that i guess.

Yunho had always had a crush on you, that much everyone knew, but when you and seonghwa began dating Yunho had decided to put his own feelings aside out of respect for both you and seonghwa. Maybe it worked for a while, a few months of being genuinely happy for his two friends finding love. Yeah, it was hard seeing one of his best friends get to touch you and talk to you in the way he wanted to, but the smiles that never left either of your faces were well worth it.

But then that night came.

He hadn't meant to see it. All of your friends had gone out to a crowded club, there was dancing and a lot of drinking. But with all the chaos of the night, nobody noticed when you and seonghwa slipped into the bathroom. A while later Yunho found himself needing to pee and made his way to the back of the club as well, but when he pushed open the door all thoughts of his original plans had left. There you were, spread out on the counter, chest heaving, tiny drops of sweat making their way down your neck. And there was seonghwa, standing between your legs slamming his hips into yours and a brutal pace, absolutely RUINING you. His back was to the door and your eyes were screwed shut, Yunho had only opened the door just far enough to see in so neither of the two of you had noticed him yet.

Yunho's first reaction was to close the door and pretend he hadn't seen anything, but he couldn't move, not once he heard the filth spewing seonghwas lips.

"My baby girl got so needy she needed me to fuck her with all of her friends around? What a little slut"

That was the first thing Yunho heard, and then whine that the words pulled out of you was damn near-pornographic, and it went straight to his dick. He only stood there for a few more moments before closing the door, but the damage had been done.

Did you guys fuck like this all the time? It felt so wrong, the perfect lovey-dovey couple Yunho had come to know were hiding such a dirty side to themselves.

Ever since that night, nothing has been the same. Yunho's thoughts of you turned more and more sinful than they had ever been, but there was something else. At first, Yunho thought it had just been the embarrassment of seeing such a private moment, but Yunho was now having the same amount of trouble meeting Seonghwas eyes as yours. Every time Yunho's mind drifted back to that moment Seonghwas figure was just as clear as yours, and although he didn't want to admit it, it was seonghwas words in the bathroom that made Yunho hard.

And that is how Yunho had come to discover that he had a crush and not one, but both of you. And almost every time Yunho took time to relive himself all he could image was seonghwas sharp and defined features manipulating your soft and supple ones into increasingly compromising positions, his calm voice eliciting those same desperate whines from you.

He knew this was fucked.

Yunho doesn't know at what point seonghwa became aware of his infatuation with himself and his girlfriend, maybe he had noticed him in the bathroom and chosen not to say anything, maybe mingi had told him one night in a slip of the tongue, maybe Yunho had told seonghwa himself while drunk. Either way, it all lead him to this moment. He was sitting in your bedroom with his back pressed into a wooden chair with seonghwa standing behind him binding his wrist together with a soft scarf you had lying around.

You sat on your bed observing the scene. This had all been seonghwa's idea, but you were more than willing. That being said watching your perfectly composed boyfriend secure the taller boy who had been stripped down to his boxers to a chair facing your bed was enough to have your face burning in the chilly room.

Seonghwa finished with the restraint and made his way in front of Yunho, who was already damn near star-eyed. Seonghwa reached out and clenched the man's jaw, forcing his eyes up to meet his own.

"Remember Yunho, you are here to watch. Not to touch. No matter how much you want to," seonghwa spoke in that calm domineering voice he reserved for moments like these. Yunho nodded eagerly as well as he could while his face was still in seonghwas grasp, his cheeks puffing out a little at the pressure.

Seonghwa let go of his face and ran his hand once through the younger boys' hair approvingly before both of their gazes fell on you.

You had been waiting patiently in the sweetest little lingerie set you could find. Seonghwa was still fully clothed, but he had a thing about having you look as pretty as possible before fucking you so hard you cried. With both of their attention now firmly on you, the cold of the room couldn't seem any further away, and with every step, seonghwa made twords you, you couldn't help but clench your thighs together in anticipation.

Finally, he stood before you, looking so beautiful it was unfair, close enough you could reach out and touch him. But you didn't, you knew better.

Seonghwa gave a wicked smirk at your sweet expectant face. The stage was finally set, and it was time for the show. He looked contemplative for a moment, before deciding on his first move.

"Lay back for me, baby"

You did exactly that, allowing your head to hit the soft blankets. Never breaking eye contact, however hard it was as your boyfriend looked ready to absolutely devour you. Careful not to block anything from Yunho's view seonghwa slowly climbed onto the bed on top of you using his hips to keep your legs in place and his arms coming down to cage your top half. He moved his head to your ear and spoke in his smoothest softest voice.

"Remember to be good sweetheart, we have a guest and I don't want to waste time punishing you tonight."

You whimper out a quiet "ok" before seonghwa placed a soft kiss on your temple. And he didn't stop there, your boyfriend only pulled back for a brief moment to observe your flushed face before diving back in.

Seonghwa was organized and neat in most aspects of life, but kissing was not one of them. His kisses are hard and wet. His exceptionally plump lips forced yours to follow his lead, prying your mouth open, nipping, and sucking at anything he could. Wet was the perfect word to describe it. Wet and amazing. Normally you would have waited for permission to touch him before swinging your arms around his neck pulling him closer but when his tongue found its way into your mouth toying with your own you needed someone to ground yourself.

To your surprise seonghwa had no objection to this instead threading his left hand through your hair pulling your head close as well, letting out a deep grunt in the process. His lips began to travel down to your neck and jaw, and now the sloppiness turned a little rougher. Seonghwa took a small break to speak, barely lifting his lips off your body but his voice still carried loud and clear.

" Don't hold back your sweet little cries, I'm sure Yunho would love to hear them"

Your mouth now free to cry out little by little at the way the cold air made contact with your now burning skin every time he moved. He was covering your skin in small red patches that would surely turn dark purple by tomorrow. You braced yourself on his shoulders when his lips came to rest of the swell of your chest. Seonghwas right had found its way under your knee lifting it a bit and caressing the underside of your thigh. You had finally become used to the sensation of his mouth on your body when he bit down. Hard.

You damn near choked. You threw your head back as a deep whine spilled sinfully out of you much louder than you intended. But it wasn't just you that was making noises, a deep guttural groan could be heard in harmony with your own from across the room. It was only then did you finally dare to turn your head to where Yunho sat. And you almost wished you didn't. The tall boy sat as hunched over as he could be, positively panting with desire his eyes staring, unblinking, and where you and your boyfriend were tangled together. Your eyes locked, Yunho was staring at you with so much hunger your heat throbbed, and your thighs clenched together. Seonghwas words cut through the tension bringing your attention back to him.

"My baby is so eager, looking so pretty as wrapped up for me. Just waiting for me to pull her apart."

You instinctively nodded.

"Yes, please. I'll be good I promise" you pleaded vacantly, still gripping your boyfriend for support. Seonghwas's right hand began to slide its way up the underside of your leg before moving around till he was palming the inside your leg.

"I know darling, I know you will"

A knowing smile graced his lips before he unhooked the clasp on your pretty bra, sliding it down your shoulders. You held your breath as he pulled himself back to sit on his heels still caressing your leg dangerously close to where you were currently making a mess of your nicest panties.

Seonghwa would never admit that he had a panty kink, but seeing you laid out for him in nothing but the thin little soaked scrap of fabric was scratching an itch that he didn't even know he had. He just had to take a moment to appreciate it.

Seonghwa turned his head twords Yunho. And speaking in that same clear strong voice.

"Yunho"

The boys eyed shaped up to meet seonghwas. Yunho, aside for the occasional moan or groan and been relatively silent up until that point. He looks at seonghwa expectantly. Your boyfriend sighed. Shaking his head for a moment.

"Yunho, when I talk to you I expect words." As he spoke seonghwa tightened his grip on your thigh, you let out a tiny moan. Yunho's eyes flashed to your thigh for a moment before realizing his distraction then flying back to seonghwas face. It was like he couldn't get the word out fast enough.

"Yes?" The word tumbled from his lips haphazardly.

"Yes, what?" Your boyfriend responded, clearly unamused, a scowl making its way onto his face.

Yunho visibly panicked, eyes darting around the room quickly. He didn't know what he missed. He looked at you for help. You knew what he missed, but you had no way of telling him.

"Umm," he began, still searching for the answer. Just when seonghwa looked like he was about to cut in a look of realization hit Yunho. He remembered the night not too long ago that he had come home from dinner, expecting the house to be quiet only to hear a specific word scream from your lips as he passed seonghwas room.

"Yes, sir?" Yunho asked, his eyes wide and pleading.

Seonghwa couldn't help his look of satisfaction.

"Good boy,"

The words made Yunho's face light up.

"Now Yunho, what would you like to see?" Your boyfriend asked. This question clearly took Yunho by surprise.

"Come on, I know you have been imagining me and my doll doing all kinds of things," as he spoke his hand finally slipped inside your panties. Two cold fingers sliding between your folds. You shudder out a gasp. You were wet, unbelievably so. It took so little for his fingers to slip through your slick, toying with you like he had done so many times before.

Yunho momentarily lost his focus on seonghwa instead looking at the imprint of his hand through the fabric. He looked starved. But his eyes returned to seonghwa once again.

"So, what is it. What was your favorite thing to imagine when you touch yourself." As he spoke his fingers began to make slow tight circles to your clit. You moaned out again and grasped wildly for a moment to ground yourself against the blankets.

Yunho once again looked at a loss for words, this time unable to peel his eyes away from the dark stain in your panties and the forearm connected to the hand in them.

Yunho licked his lips slowly before tearing his eyes away to look at seonghwa. He spoke slowly, his words were shaky but certain.

"Please, just fuck her. Hard, like you, always do." He looks embarrassed by his choice, but your heart leaped at the idea, you wanted seonghwa inside you right at that very moment. He was slowly working you into an orgasm and he had barely even done anything yet.

"Really? Is that all you want?" Your boyfriend asked. "No special requests?" The circles on your bud speed slightly as he spoke. Your legs began twitching with every stroke. You had been so wound up this whole time that along with every jerk a small whine was seeping past your lips.

"Please, just," Yunho took a moment to gather his thoughts " please, I just want to see what you both look like when you ruin her."

Seonghwa looked at the boy pensively for a moment.

"Ruin her?" Your boyfriends intense gazed finally made its way back to you "that I can do" and almost exactly as his sentence finished your first wave of orgasm crashed over you. You were now spilling whines freely and rocking your hips into your boyfriend's large hands. You closed your eyes tight for a few moments. Before thinking about the exchange that just took place. Ruin you? Seonghwa was a serious man when he wanted to be, and if he promised to ruin you, you knew he would. And honestly, it was a little scary.

Finally, you opened your eyes. Your boyfriend had been watching you through your high, not stopping his hand and now that you were coming down a dull pain replaced began to radiate up from your core. You reached down to grab his wrist

"Wait. Please-" you began to plead, looking into your boyfriend's eyes, but your words were cut off.

"Well, Yunho. If I'm going to ruin her I'm going to have to prepare her. Wouldn't want her to break" you whined at his words as his hand began to speed up once again over your extra sensitive nub. He then glanced over at the boy who seemed just as transfixed by your pleasure-filled face as seonghwa. "unless you want that"

"Please," was all Yunho could force out "I just want to see"

Seonghwa finally pulled his hand out from the ruined fabric. Despite the numbing pain that came from his handy work you were already missing the sensation and your hand on his wrist tightened again.

Seonghwa let out a sigh.

"Sweetheart, how am I supposed to let Yunho see what I can do to you if you still have these panties on," he asked in a disappointed tone. You reluctantly released his wrist.

Seonghwa finally found the time to pull his sweater over his head, tousling his hair in the process. Now it was both you and Yunho gawked. It was something both you and Yunho had seen a thousand times, but there was still something awe-inspiring about the way he looked kneeling over you with his bare golden honey skin on display.

If seonghwa noticed the stares he didn't address them as he moved to pull your ruined panties down your legs. The anticipation was clear on Yunho's face as the wet fabric slowly made its way down your legs. Finally, he pulled them off the tip of your toes. Because of you and seonghwas position, Yunho still couldn't see your heat. To your surprise, seonghwa stood up quickly from the bed. Your panties still between his fingers. He looked at Yunho.

"You want them?" He asked letting them dangle from his hand that was still glistening with your juices. Yunho choked out a "yes, sir"

Satisfied with his answer seonghwa walked over to the man, leaned over him, and slipped the fabric into his bound hands.

Your boyfriend then returned to you on the bed, but instead of climbing on top of you, he sat down beside you.

"Open up baby"

It may be a bit late in the game, but you were finally coming to terms with what is happening. Yunho, one of your closest friends is about to watch you get fucked by your boyfriend, you had to look away from the man at the sudden realization. Slowly, you opened your legs and you heard the sharp intake of breath that could only be from Yunho.

"What do you think?" Your boyfriend asked pulling your legs apart even more. You shut your eyes tight, feeling embarrassed.

"It's pretty" was all Yunho could Say. You flushed even deeper.

"I know, isn't it? My baby has such a pretty pussy" you choked.

"Open your eyes sweetheart, I want to look at you"

Slowly you opened them, still keeping your gaze firmly on your boyfriend's face.

"No need to be embarrassed sweetheart. You look so cute" seonghwa said in a coo.

Seonghwas hand slipped further between your legs, spreading you open for Yunho to see. You couldn't help but sneak a glance at the man. He was almost drooling, as he licked his lips.

"She tastes amazing," seonghwa says dipping a finger into your still sensitive heat. You felt yourself twitch.

"Normally I would spend hours eating her sweet little cunt, but that wasn't what you wanted to see" seonghwa spoke with false regret. Honestly, Yunho looked right now like there was nothing else in the world he would rather witness but everyone knew he had already made his choice.

Your boyfriend finally decided to push 2 fingers into you all at once. You whined out at the sudden intrusion.

"I have to get her ready first, I hope you don't mind" seonghwa spoke with a chuckle. Because no, with a view like that how could Yunho mind watching your boyfriend's two long fingers push in and out of you over and over again each time bringing a little more wetness out of you.

At this point you were gone, the pleasant stretched of the familiar fingers moving inside of you was like a mantra pulling small noises from you like a song. Seonghwa was brushing the inside of your walls oh so perfect if was unfair.

"She is always so wet, pulsing around my finger with so little work. What a little slut." Your eyes shot open with a moan at his words. His pace quickened. With your still heightened sensitivity, you already felt your stomach tighten.

"Oh. Do you like that? Like it when I call you my slut?"

"Yes, sir"

"Do you like being a little whore for me?"

"Yes, sir"

"Do you want me to fuck you in front of our friend, just so he can see how much of a slut you are?" At that, you locked eyes with Yunho across the room.

"Yes please sir, please show him how much of a slut I am for you" Yunho lurched forward for the first time, his dick straining so hard against his boxers it must be painful.

Seonghwa leaned down to give you a quick kiss on the forehead,

"Good girl"

Finally, seonghwa focused all his energy on bringing on your next orgasm. Pressing deliciously against that special spot inside you while his thumb returned to your pulsing clit. You were already so far gone that it only took a few more direct strokes for you to come tumbling down once again.

This one lasted much longer than the first. And once again seonghwa prolonged it as long as possible by not stopping his hand once throughout the whole time. The pleasure came on waves, washing over you with so much intensity it was all you could do to keep moaning so loud the neighbors could hear you.

Finally, when he pulled his fingers out you took a moment to catch your breath. But it wasn't long before it was stolen again by seonghwa sticking each finger in his mouth one at a time a sucking them clean, never once breaking eye contact with the boy in the chair.

"Hmm, sweet" was all he said, before standing from the bed once again and undoing his belt. Seonghwa pushed his hair back before undoing his jeans and pulling them down his legs. At last, he stood in nothing but his black boxers. If you weren't struggling so hard to keep your eyes open after your climax you would have ogled but Yunho's hungry eyes were wide and fixed on the impressive size of the tent in your boyfriend boxers. Seonghwa spared him a glace before chuckling.

Your boyfriend turned completely to Yunho and pulled down the boxers as well. You knew what was there, so you understand the feeling Yunho was having to lick his lips like that. Yunho's arms once again lurched forward.

"Remember, no touching" was all seonghwa said before turning back to you. He says down on the bed beside you once again

"Come sit on my lap baby,"

You almost groaned. You felt like you could barely move and you would much rather he take you just as you are, but you know better than to fight him.

Seonghwa positioned you both facing Yunho, so he could have the perfect view of you both.

You tried to keep your self as steady as possible as lined himself up under you. Your muscles protested as you held yourself up. Finally, seonghwa took hold of your hips and pushed you down onto him all at once. The two of you both let out a satisfied groan. Your pussy felt used and abused but at that moment all you could think about was how nice it felt to be full. Your head fell back onto your boyfriend's shoulder almost immediately.

"Awe, do I make you feel that good, baby? You like it when I fill you up that much?"

"Yes, sir, I love being full. Love it when you fill me up." Your words were slurred together but loud. Seonghwa, using his grip on your hips. Helped you lift yourself only to be pulled back down again.

"Holy fuck" Yunho spoke in a quiet tone, watching where your boyfriend's dick was now disappearing inside of you.

"Don't use that kind of language" seonghwa spat out while staring to set a fast and deliberate pace, his focus instead on fucking you to tears.

"I'm sorry sir, it's just-" he seemed to be at a loss for words. " I can see you in her tummy"

At that seonghwa chuckled again. He took your hand and lead it to the spot on your stomach you could feel him inside you.

"I know, my baby is such a slut she isn't satisfied until I fill her up this much."

All of these words were filtering in and out of your ears but all you could focus on was the feeling of seonghwas dick moving inside of you. You were so sensitive after two orgasms not so long ago that your body felt utterly spent but every single time seonghwa trusted up into you felt like you could cry at how good it felt. It hurt, yes it hurt, seonghwa was big, that's why he spent so much time working you up, but even with that, you could still feel him stretching out your wall in the most delicious way. Every time he pushed all the way into you could almost cry at the sensation, not to mention how he rubbed against every spot inside of you in the perfect way. You were a mess of whines and cries and tears.

"She's crying" Yunho spoke in a shaking voice.

Seonghwa brushed your hair away from your face, looking at the tears streaming on your face. Your boyfriend placed feather-light kisses against your cheeks where the tears streamed down. A stark contrast to the brutal pace he was drilling his hips into your cunt.

You were clenching madly against him and he couldn't help but chuckles, though it was now somewhat airy as he was nearing his own climax.

"You gonna come, baby?" He asked.

"Mmhmm" you whined, head still rolled back as he fucked into your relentlessly. You were so close, every time he pushed back into you you cried out wanting him to make you come so fucking bad.

Seonghwa took told of your chin with one hand and forced your head forward making you lock eyes with Yunho. He looks almost as fucked out as you probably did. Forehead sweating, chest heaving, dick twitching. The sight made you clenched down hard.

"Who knew my sweet little baby, want people to watch her get fucked like a whore." you clenching tears streaming down faster than ever. The hand not holding your chin found your clit and once again began rubbing slow but rough circles onto the bud. You were so full and so close, and knowing that Yunho was seeing you like this, looking him in the eye while seonghwa fucked you almost made you come.

"What do you think Yunho? Should I let my little slut come?" He asked pinching your bud and delivering a particularly hard thrust. You gagged on the drool spilling from your mouth.

" yes, please sir, please make her cum!: Yunho almost shouted, looking crazed.

"You heard him slut. Cum."

And that was all it took. You were shaking and writhing on top of your boyfriend, head and eyes rolled back and your eyes saw stars. Waves don't even being to describe the way pleasure was moving through your body.

"Sir, it feels so good" was all you could say between the cries, and yes you were crying for real now. Short of losing consciousness, you were gone to the world. Lost in the feeling.

It took you several minutes to realize that seonghwa was still fucking you. But once you did you jerked painfully.

"No, no please" fell past your dry lips. As you moved to sit up. But seonghwas had kept you in place.

"You're not going anywhere baby, I still haven't cum yet and I am going to right in your little pussy."

It hurt, and you were crying, but all you wanted to do was be a good girl for seonghwa so you stayed put, letting him use you. You looked up at Yunho, your eyes glossy, mouth hanging open, probably covered in bruises as you always were when seonghwa fucks you.

Yunho moaned out, straining against the fabric keeping him tied to the chair.

At that moment seonghwa finally came. You could hear his groan through his chest and feel the cum spilling into you. Nice and full.

With a few more thrust seonghwa finally stopped. Allowing you to rest a moment before pulling you off him. You collapsed into your blankets. Feeling moments away from sleep, but you kept your eyes open. Seonghwa took a moment before standing pulling up his own boxers before moving over to where Yunho sat panting. He looked down at the boy and laughed.

"You came untouched?"

"Yes sir"

#ateez smut #seonghwa smut #yunho smut #ateez scenarios #ateez reactions #ateez au

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butwhatifidothis · 3 years ago

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Can I say it seriously annoys me how Captain just takes everything thats interesting about Three Houses, like the parts where it actually deviates from your typical jrpg plot, and degrades it into something predictable and tropey? Like its INTERESTING Edelgard still doesnt trust her allies at the end of CF but nope, Captain has to make her and the BESF into the boring overused found family trope. Its INTERESTING that a church in a jrpg isnt pure evil - woops, never mind, religion bad 1

so back to the religion of evil slash evil church tropes that exist in like nintey-nine percent of jrpgs we go. Its like Captain is rewriting the game based on what he expected or wanted to happen but didnt. 2

For real! Like, I'm not gonna sit here and say that I don't love me my found family dynamic, but that is just not what the Black Eagles have with each other, especially on CF. Playing as the villainous people who are unaware of their villainy is a really cool idea (if executed kinda whack), but Cap'n is determined to water it down to a sing-song friendship is magic quest of happiness and sunshine as EdeIgard enacts war on a continent. The Church being a genuinely morally gray institute and not just "lol what if the religion was SeCrEtLy EvIl" snooze-fest is interesting, but Cap'n is hard-set on making it an objectively evil thing with no nuance at all whatsoever. It takes away everything that makes CF such a neat concept.

And bro, "Its like Captain is rewriting the game based an what he expected or wanted to happen but didnt" I'll take a bold stance and say that that is exactly what he is doing. I'm sorry, almost nothing in this fic suggests that Cap'n cares much at all about what actually happens in the game - the characters are laughably OOC, the lore is misrepresented if not flat out incorrectly represented, and the story deviates from the one in canon (and not just in "Kronya lives" ways either, I mean "EdeIgard tells people about her coronation even when she literally doesn't want people to know about that in canon" kind of ways) often.

Like, a CF parley scene does not happen and would not happen in canon. The Kingdom does not strike the Empire first at any point in CF. Claude is trying to put up a united front in an attempt to ward off EdeIgard. And out of the timeskip, EdeIgard willingly hands of the Death Knight to TWS. EdeIgard never promises to not use Demonic Beasts anymore and would not promise such a thing. EdeIgard is never scared of Rhea, Dimitri, or Thales. Dimitri is not obsessed with EdeIgard until after the Flame Emperor reveal. Rhea and Dimitri are not angry people until their trauma buttons are mashed by EdeIgard. EdeIgard would not see Marianne as a strong person, and Marianne does not become stronger on CF. No one considered Lonato's rebellion a commoner's rebellion. No one likens Lonato to Loog in the game.

None of that shit happens! That's all made-up by Cap'n! But he and Edelstans will swear up and down that this is either what happened or is otherwise true to EdeIgard and everyone else's characters. Cap'n wants this to be what had happened, which would normally be literally nothing! As someone who wrote a long as fuck rewrite of an entire route, I think maybe, perhaps I can understand that feeling! That's like, a major reason people write fanfiction in the first place! But he and an alarming amount of others are unironically saying that this is meta of the game when he's LITERALLY MAKING SHIT UP. He's using shit THAT'S NOT CANON as part of his "analysis" (using content that was literally cut from the game to make a point about anything is... not something I would suggest, to put it nicely). It's just nuts

#ask #anon #exqueuese me princess #o captain my captain #CF is damn sure not everyone's cup of tea but it at least has an interesting concept (at least to me lol)#but going off of this fic it's like. the most boring shit ever. and also the worst shit ever

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antiloreolympus · 4 years ago

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A Bunch of Anti LO Asks

1. I have a lot to say about lo’s writing so here we go:

1) there is so little foreshadowing. I can’t even name one instance other then Kronos being reawakened but that was a literal direct shot of it instead of it being hinted at. There’s very little to none at all ( correct me if I’m wrong.) 2) The pacing??? This all happens in 2 weeks but so much has happened and it’s all happened so slow it feels like it’s been at least a year ( in universe time.) 3) I feel like this has been said enough but using trauma as a way to move the plot along is literally the laziest thing I’ve ever seen.

I’m sorry if this is like hella stupid or something like that

2. i dont get why the writing in LO refuses to let persephone be dark and accepting of death/punishment, because isn't that what you need to show she's going to be a good queen? she seems terrified of the concept and keeps trying to find ways to reverse them, which goes against the whole point of ruling over the dead and even something in myth hades DID NOT like, so its weird to keep making her the opposite of what she's supposed to be? shes just making the case she's not right for the role?

3. apollo/hyacinthus is having such a big resurgence right now that i dont get why rachel didnt include them as friends/a couple persephone cares about and, when hyacinthus dies, have persephone resurrect him. not only would it show her kind nature and sway over hades, but it would also be some actual positive canon gay representation that has legit myth backing. RS obviously got most of her takes from tumblr, yet couldnt take the pro apollo/hyacintus take too? is her heterosexuality that strong :/

4. the whole r*pe plotline was BY RACHEL HERSELF said to not be included, she promised as much, and readers were excited they were finally able to see a depiction of HxP without sexual assault, only for it to turn out she was lying with only a measly "this might be bad uwu" warning on the ep, triggering many people in the process. then she tried to backtrack and claim it was a #MeToo moment, and that irl victims were haters for calling it out. That speaks to who she really is, and it's not pretty.

5. lo hades isnt even cute tbh. what exactly makes him so desirable to make all these women fight over him for? his design is basic (and kinda antisemitic, a guy with a gigantic nose controlling the media and all the banks/money? rachel please), hes not charming or funny, he talks over all the women in his life, never listens to being rightfully called out, he never apologizes or does any self reflection, etc. hes just awful??? like even by an uwu hes misunderstood POV hes just a boring jerk?

6. I think the reason Punderworld or HXP Ficlets doesn't get the amount of scrutiny LO does (and PW is def LO's rival, WT has begged to Feature it several times) is because they had the good sense to never get high and mighty about their depictions, something RS absolutely does all the time. In fact the PW creator constantly promotes over myth comics and loves other takes on the mythos, while RS flips out unless its exactly how she sees it. How she survived school w/ that attitude we'll never know

7. also if demeter was as evil in LO as they want her to be then why would she ever let her emotionally unstable child out into the city with no supervision and no way to contact her? Why would she be going through all this trouble including putting her own welfare into question like trying to keep persephone out of harms' way via the cruelty of thee olympian men and out of jail (WHERE SHE BELONGS) if she's the big bad? Why even make her abusive and evil to begin with? Can't Persephone love both?

8. even if lo needs a villain (which it doesnt but w/e) must it be apollo? or leto? or minthe? or anyone for that matter? if you need some ~drama~ just use eris? she doesn't need some tragic backstory, she's an asshole for the sake of being an asshole. you could so easily have her basically be like TMZ causing discord through her popular blog and causing shit because she can. LO shoots itself in the foot by trying too hard to be deep and thought provoking when its as deep as a puddle.

9. less persephone/hades and more dionysos/ariadne: whats more romantic? a man kidnapping his underage niece and her friends crying themselves to death over it (cyane) or ariadne being dumped by her first boyfriend only to come back with some serious bling and a hot divine partner that is at least the physical equiv of her own age? (dionysos is usually depicted as mentally/physically quite young, so the godly age gap is less creepy/statutory-y)

10. vis a vis the sexual assault anon: it is also something that happens with horrific frequency to trans people as well. the number of trans reports of sexual assault that get thrown out per year by sample size is almost 5x the amount of cis female ones. LO already has some weird terfy undertones with the fertility thing, but just because it happens less (or rather, is reported less) by cisgender men doesnt mean it happens the most to cis women.

#anti lo #anti lore olympus #lo critical #lore olympus critical

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hongism · 3 years ago

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Hyello, okay so. I don't have the emotional energy to take in and discuss everything in that chapter so imma just gush over the info cause I am a ✨whore✨ for world building.

So obviously MOC SPOILER

hi bestie HELLO guess WHO!!! finally ANSWering!!! altho im gonna answer separately and space everything out all Neatly bc im all over the place so strap IN we’re going on an moc RIDE!

THERE'S A WHOLE SIREN COMMUNITY?! AND YN AND IT MUST BE WOOYOUNG WERE FRIENDS? SIRENS HAVE A FULLY FLEDGE COMMUNITY WITH PRIESTS AND SCHOOLS AND MULTUOLE CITIES TO SOME EXTEND??? MAYBE EVEN AN ENTIRE PLANET WITH SIRENS MAYBE THEIR ORIGIN PLANET? HOW MANY TYPES OF SIRENS ARE THERE AND IN THE COMMUNITY HOW DTRICT ARE THE DIFFERENT ROLES?!?! ALSO DOES THE SIREN COMMUNITY ALLOW FOR DIFFERENT TYPES OF SIRENS TO BE TOGETHER? OBVIOUSLY THEY SHOULD BUT ARE THE CHILDREN THEN HYBRID TYPES, LIKE WHEN WE GET BLUED DARK SKIND BABIES OR CAN A SKREN ONLY BE ONE TYPE. WHAT POWERS DO SIRENS HAVE AND DOES THE POWERS REFLECT THEIR PERSONALITY AND DO THE DIFFERENT TYOES LEAN TOWARDS CERTAIN JOBS. LIKE WE JUST LESRNED THE OCEAN GOTTA BE PRIESTS BUT MOON ISNT STRICT WHAT ABOUT FIRE. AND IS YN INSTIC TO PULL OUT A HEART CAUDE HER PERSONALITT, TRSUMA OR IS IT RELATED TO THE MOON. ALSO CAUSE ITS A RED MOON WHICH IS COMMONLY A BLOOD MOON, IS YN THEN A SPECIAL MOON SIREN AND THATS WHY HER POWERS ARE STEONGER OR HER INSTICTS TO USE THEM ARE STORNGER BUT THEN THE MILITARY FUCKED HER UP. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

now this is the thing im biting my tongue on SO HARD bc it’s my favorite aspect of the world building and the universe and everything involved in it bUTIHDFKJG THERS SO MUCH I WANNA SAYYYYYYYYYY in short that one dream sequence holds more hints and information than ANYTHING from previous chapters, i think that it’s probably the MOST IMPORTANT dream to date. while we’ve seen some crazy ones in the past, this one is both the biggest hint and the biggest window into y/n’s past by FARRRR. even tho that whole scene was dialogue i think there’s so much to pick up on from it and so much to see and learn from it and it’s one of my faves bc there’s so much to unpack from it !!

Like yes the story and the development is freaking ✨yes✨ I love it. Genuinely think moc should be released as books. But I just cannot deal with the emotions rn.

But also now all I'm going to be thinking about how many sirens are actually out there. And if yn knew her parents and wasn't just an orphan the military found in the streets... How the fuck did she end up in the military grasps. What happened to her parents what happened to the community, is it still out there? Guess I gotta go back and reread the galaxies and the backstories, obviously I must have missed or have forgotten something. Ugh how the puzzle pieces are puzzling (or something). Moc is a drug and I'm not going sober anytime soon

(obviously you don't have to respond to my questions, this is more just an insight into the spiralling of theories going on in my mind)

releasing moc as books? a dream and a half, i can say that much slkjdlgkjlkf but back to the sirens... how many are out there? we heard early on that hongjoong was looking for ‘the last five’ but then seonghwa debunked that and said that was a mistranslation over time that was passed down and such, but beyond that, we don’t really know much about sirens as a whole? there are some hints in the galaxies and planet descriptions but if that dream sequence is a puzzle, i would say we have a handful of pieces that can be put into place based on what we’ve learned so far!!!!

Okay I lied, I am ready to unpack a little of the ✨emotions✨

When hongjoong explained that hwa tried to stop San only for San to detain him and in a sense make him watch the scene unfold. And then realising hwa had to go through that again, only being even more helpless. I don't doubt hwa loves San, but to see the events happening again, with someone he clearly loves as much as he does yn even if he also loves joong, and to see the desperation and determination must have been just. Horrible. Just absolutely soul breaking horrible. I can imagine him vowing to himself after San that he would never let something like that happen again. That of any of the crew got out of control like that, that he would fight harder to stop them. That he would would do absolutely everything in his power to stop it. And then being helpless as he watched yn do it. Just pure heart wrenching pain. And it must have been beyond terrifying to see someone you love ready and determined to kill themselves partly from rage and partly from desperation. With the backstory, that scene becomes almost as cruel as the warehouse scene with San. The only redeeming quality is no one needing life saving surgery in a time crunch, otherwise they would be the same level of ✨never again✨

honestly i think the two crew members i torture the most are san and hwa bc i just keep putting them thru all this shit and hurting them so much but really this was the defining point of why seonghwa was so afraid. before we kinda just knew he was afraid of yn and hongjoong was mad about it. in this revelation we get to see the source of the trauma and how it was amplified by it being someone he loves as dearly as he loves yn. and for sure when first reading that scene of yn and jisung in the brig, it’s meant to evoke a sense of anger and rage like yn is so angry to a point where she would do this sort of thing, but my hope with that scene was also to show that desperation. that when looking back at it after having already seen the rage and the aftermath, that reading it again shows how desperate and hopeless she was in that moment. which is exactly the same emotion that was evoked back in that warehouse scene with san, except it was relayed differently because the warehouse was a more immediate sense of desperation. this brig scene was meant to emulate that but in a slow burn kinda way where the veil of realization is pulled off after the fact and not in the moment!!!

Just to make sure you don't misunderstand. Those asks were compliments. You are an absolutely incredible writer. And the fact that you aren’t afraid of hurting your characters *cough cough* SHOOTING SAN?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!!!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? *CLEARS THROAT AGRESSIVELY* just makes the story much better. No one gets plot armour, making it more realistic (?) and really draws in the writer and sorta imitates the fear and desperation the characters feel

PLS don’t worry, i live for every moment and i live for these open and raw and genuine conversations i didn’t take any as an insult i PROMISE!! i think part of the nature of this whole trope of space pirates and criminals is that hter is no guarantee of safety! i don’t wanna have to cut corners to make sure everyone stays unharmed and undamaged throughout the story when the nature of the world i’ve built thus far is a wildly dangerous one!!! i always say that i try to be as realistic as i can, all things considered, and i think that’s the biggest thing that adds to the ‘realism’ in my mind so im so happy to hear that you see it and appreciate it and enjoy it!!!

OHOHOHOHOHOH ALSO

YN GRIPPING SOMEONES HEART??? YOU WRITE THAT SO FUCKING WELL. LIKE ENIGUH DETAILS THAT WE KNOW WHATS GOING ON, BUT ALSO NOT SO MANY DETAILS SO IT GETS DETACHWD FROM THE STORY. LIKE THE LACK OF CLEAR SUPER MANY DETAILS REALLY MADE IT THAT *YOU ARE EXPERIENCING THIS, NOT JUST READING IT* LIKE IT MADE IT WAY MORE EMOTIONAL AND OERSONAL AND THE READER REALLY GOT IMMERSED IN THE MOST HORRIBLE WAY THAT KUST MADE IT ALL RHE MORE BETTER. ALSO JOONG AFRAID????? JOONG REALISING HE GOT A FULLY FLEDGED HEART RIPPER SIREN WHO CANT CONTROL HER BODY TO MOVE THROUGH A HARMLESS DOOR BUT CAN DEFINITELY KILL IN A HEARTBEAT (OR TWO 👀) ALSO THE CONTRAST OF REMOVING RHE BLOOD COLOURED WHITE OLASTIC AND HAVING A CLEAN HAND UNDERNWATH. THE SYMBOL OF IT ALSO BEKNG A TRASH CLEANERS SUIT. LIKE SHE WASN'T SUPPOSED TO ACTUALLY USE THE TRASH PROTECTION DUIT FOR ITS INTENDED PURPOSE. ALSO THE OART WHERE SHE SAYS SHES FINE EVEN TJO SHE ISNT. AT FIRST I READ IT AS HER TELLING HERSELF TO LIE BUT THEN I REALISED ITS HER ADMITTING SHE VERY MUCH ISNT. AND SAN NOT KNOWING???? AND KISSING HER HAND AND UGH AND SEONGHWA KNOWING. I BET HE'S LOWKEY GETTING MORE AND MORE AFRAID OF HER. LIKE YN IS READY TO KILL HERSELF AND ANYONE AROUND HER TO KEEP SAN SAFE. AND SHE INSTICTUALLY GOES FOR THE MODT AGRESSIVE METHOD POSSIBLE. IHHHHHHHHHHHHH I FUCKING LOVE YOU AND YOUR WONDERFUL WTITING AND YOUR TWISTED MIND THAT CAN CREATE ALL THESE FUCKING SCENES THAT GOT ME THUNKING AND FEELING ✨EMOTIONS✨

truly one of the HIGHLIGHTS of the chapter simply bc of how shocking and sudden it is!! for me, that was one of the easiest scenes to write in the chapter, oddly enough? it was something that when it came time to write it, i knew how i wanted it to be and was able to just sit down and write it out the way its written in the final draft of the chapter. i really love playing with those aspects of fiction and storytelling. tangible to a point, without spelling it out. i think it’s obvious that i really love delayed realization in writing, but i really like playing with how the brain processes information and for me personally, i don’t pick up on things right away! i can realize them in a snap or it can take me a bit to go ‘oh god that’s what happened’, and i like playing with that in y/n’s character a LOT.

and in that same vein of thought, there are some layers to that scene as well when compared to the door scene. in the door scene we saw hongjoong clearly tell y/n ‘you need to do this to save san’ yet she wasn’t able to do it despite trying and believing hongjoong. then in the heart scene we saw y/n clearly tell herself ‘you need to do this to save san’ and she did it then. so there’s a lot at play in that parallel alone too. and with that internal monologue she has of im fine vs not fine, then san kissing the hand that touched a literal real actual beating heart for me that was a sort of self indulgent scene and i was really worried about it coming across as too cheesy or something like that, but that is something that’s gonna impact y/n as a character and her relationship with san when they have the conversation of ‘oh hey i put my hand through a man’s chest for you’

i think part of why this chapter was so difficult to construct and write as a whole definitely is because of all the undertones and nuances throughout, and in a lot of ways it’s so so much to even think about that it’s almost too much packed into one chapter alone, but even if you don’t pick up on all the nuances throughout, i’m hoping to revisit them and bring them back around in that delayed realization style again bc that’s one of my favorite things to do ofc :3

#21y redeemed fool #mists of celeste #moc: spoilers #caly answers #sorry i wrote you a whole essay in response oh my god?!??#T_T

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gameofdrarry · 3 years ago

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Wizards Hearts Smut Recs: BDSM

Wizards Hearts was a four-month-long Drarry reading fest. Players were given a playing deck of 52 tropes, and were asked to find 52 different fics to read and comment on to fill their decks. To prevent the same few fics from being read, fics were restricted to only being used for the game three times before being considered ineligible for further points. The tropes and submissions list can be found here. Players could opt in to an additional suit of 13 cards, all themed around various popular smut tropes.

Check out the masterlist of fics for this trope below the cut!

📜 We Take Care of Each Other by keyflight790 Rated: Explicit Words: 54308 Tags: BDSM, bdsm club, Dom Neville Longbottom, Dom Draco Malfoy, Top Draco Malfoy, Top Neville Longbottom, Bottom Harry Potter, although it might seem like hes a dom at first, Sub Harry Potter, Teddy Lupin makes an appearance, as does Luna and Rolf, but not...sexually, Set in 2009, So Teddy is turning 11, just for context, Draco is the only one who penetrates Harry though, in case you were concerned, but Neville is there.. a lot, Flogging, Rimming, Will tag all of these in chap notes as well, for squicks and such, this is pretty indulgent, For the Writer, learn all of keyflights kinks, by reading this fic, note: every BDSM club is slightly different, so if this isnt your experience, no problemo, but please don't judge the writer on their experiences, and notes and research, More tags to follow, dom/sub dynamics, Safewords, Sex Toys, past trauma discussions, TW: Panic Attacks, Panic Attacks, draco is a bit of a switch, but he doms in this fic, Spanking, Daddy Kink, TW: spousal abuse (Narcissa and Lucius mentioned in chap 10), TW: Breakdowns, daddy Neville Longbottom, Little Theodore Nott, Anal Sex, Praise Kink, Choking, Masturbation, self love, did i mention theres spanking?, theres spanking, harry gets spanked by, Daddy Dom Neville Longbottom, Talks of Death, Suicidal Thoughts, discussions of dying, Harry talks about his canon death and rebirth Summary: Draco has been having panic attacks for years, until his best friend, Pansy, welcomes him into a whole new world. And he thought being a wizard was neat. Being a dom was even better. ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 Don't Have to Say the Words by jeni_andtheafterthought Rated: Explicit Words: 2944 Tags: Established Relationship, Auror Harry Potter, Potioneer Draco Malfoy, Domestic, Angst with a Happy Ending, Insecurity, Anxiety, Healer Harry Potter, Smut, Anal Sex, they have a cat, PWP, EWE Summary: Draco is having a hard time separating his own insecurities from the difficulties in his relationship with Harry. ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 The Hand That Feeds You by gracerene Rated: Explicit Words: 17381 Tags: Harry Potter, Epilogue Compliant, Non-Linear Narrative, Infidelity, BDSM, Dom/subTotal Power Exchange, Minor Astoria Greengrass/Draco Malfoy, Dom Draco Malfoy, Sub Harry Potter, Collars, Praise Kink, Blow Jobs, Face-Fucking, Hand Jobs, Orgasm Delay/Denial, Subspace, Aftercare, Bondage, Sex Toys, Anal Sex, Bottom Harry Potter, Top Draco Malfoy, Ambiguous/Open Ending, H/D Food Fair 2018, Hand Feeding, Post-Hogwarts, Post-Second War with Voldemort, POV Harry Potter Summary: Harry needs something only Draco can provide. ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 Little Prince, Kneel by DragonGirl87 Rated: Explicit Words: 478006 Tags: BDSM, Dom/sub, Dom Harry Potter, Top Harry Potter, Sub Draco Malfoy, Bottom Draco Malfoy, Experienced Harry, Sexual Tension, Slow Burn, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Head Auror Harry Potter, Lawyer Draco Malfoy, Redeemed Draco Malfoy, Flirting, First Dates, Romantic Harry Potter, Sassy Draco Malfoy, POV Harry Potter, POV Draco Malfoy, Falling In Love, Harry Has Secrets, Not Epilogue Compliant, Harry Potter & Ginny Weasley Friendship, Teddy Lupin was Raised by Harry Potter, Magical BDSM, Rope Bondage, Shibari, Safe Sane and Consensual, Safewords, Shower Sex, Masturbation in Shower, Draco Malfoy Loves Dogs, Good Narcissa Black Malfoy, Sexual Fantasy, Discipline, Non-Sexual Bondage, Punishment, Oral Sex, Anal Sex, Rough Sex, Anal Fingering, Anal Beads, Anal Plug, Riding Crops, Teasing, Dungeon, Orgasm Control, Orgasm Delay/Denial, Multiple Orgasms, Forced Orgasm, BDSM Munch, Master/Pet, Collars, Leashes, Blow Jobs, Hand Jobs, Sex Toys, Improvised Sex Toys, Improved Use Of A Spatula, Protective Harry Potter, Possessive Harry Potter, Spanking, Prostate Massage, Power Play, Praise Kink, Aftercare, Sensation Play, Blindfolds, Subspace, Mild subdrop, Rutting, Wax Play, Angst, Pyrophobia, Draco Malfoy Speaks French, Harry Potter Speaks French Summary: Almost immediately after the war, Harry Potter took his godson and Andromeda and left England behind. He returned five, nearly six, years later; changed, healed, and a very different man altogether. Now an extremely handsome bachelor in his late twenties, and with a promising career at the Ministry, he suddenly finds his life turned upside down after unexpectedly bumping into his former school nemesis, Draco Malfoy, Prosecutor Extraordinaire. Is Harry going to be able to stay away from Draco? Does he even want to? And exactly how will Draco react once he discovers how the Saviour prefers to spend his free time? ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 Misguided at Best by agentmoppet Rated: Explicit Words: 3011 Tags: Bondage, BDSM, POV Draco Malfoy, Dom/sub, Sub Harry, Dom Draco Summary: Draco has grown bored of the aristocratic fetish clubs, and decides to try something new. But he never would have expected to find Harry Potter, disguised and on his knees, waiting for him. ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 The Gift by magpie_fngrl Rated: Explicit Words: 26069 Tags: Writer Draco Malfoy, Voyeurism, Sharing, Dildos, Blindfolds, Internalized Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Captive Prince Darker Themes: please see chapter notes, Bondage, Discipline, Sensation Play, Semi-Public Sex, Past Harry Potter/Ginny Weasley, Lack of aftercare in one instance, Explicit Sexual Content Summary: "‘You’ll give me an hour of your time and I’ll take your thoughts and your worries. You’ll let me take control; dictate your actions. One hour where you’ll blindly obey me—in return for… distraction. ’"Or, in which Draco is a writer struggling with his first novel, Harry is worried about something he won't reveal, and they both try to figure out how to put their tangled past behind them and move on. ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 Sweet Little Distractions by krystalliumm Rated: Explicit Words: 3103 Tags: Gay, Gay Sex, Hogwarts Eighth Year, Bottom Draco Malfoy, Top Harry Potter, Kinky, Established Relationship, Boyfriends, Rimming, Anal FingeringPlot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Dom/sub Undertones, Light Bondage, Fluff and Smut, that's literally all that this is, Don't Judge Me, Dorks in Love, AAAAAAi'm a simp for these two, just read it omfg, Light BDSM, Smut, Fluff, Soft Harry Potter, Soft Draco Malfoy, Hogwarts Era, Banter Summary: Draco thinks studying for his NEWTs was the worst—it's tiring, stressful, and exhausting. Luckily, Harry's there to be his sweet little distraction. ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 A Man Like Him by darkestbliss Rated: Explicit Words: 60132 Tags: Post-Hogwarts, Harry Potter Epilogue What Epilogue | EWE, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Romance, Slow Burn, BDSM, Loss of Virginity, Virgin Draco Malfoy, Bottom Draco Malfoy, Sub Draco Malfoy, Experienced Harry Potter, Top Harry Potter, Dom Harry Potter, Anal Fingering, Anal SexRimming, Contracts, Impact Play, Flogging, Whipping, Suspension, Wax Play, Safewords, Biting, Oral Sex, Orgasm Denial, Subspace, Aftercare, Safe Sane and Consensual, Drinking, Smoking, Breathplay, Boggarts, References to ABBA, NSFW Art, Falling In Love, Porn With Plot, Harry/Draco Big Bang 2018, Community: harrydracobang Summary: Draco Malfoy has made a name for himself after the War as 'the wizarding world's best interior architectural designer' (his words), taking old, decrepit spaces and transforming them into exquisite homes for those who can afford the hefty price tag. His most recent assignment is number twelve, Grimmauld Place, which has only deteriorated more in condition since the elusive Harry Potter inherited it after Sirius Black's death. When he stumbles upon a collection of questionable items in one of Potter's wardrobes, he finds himself appalled, shocked, distraught, and just a little bit turned on. ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 Scars and Lions by kizkhalifa Rated: Explicit Words: 10411 Tags: EWE, Light Bondage, Teasing Summary: The one in which Harry Potter orders a "call guy" for dinner (+fun) and Draco Malfoy shows up. ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 Aftershocks by Lokifan Rated: Explicit Words: 1447 Tags: Fingerfucking, Anal Fingering, Bottom Draco, Sub Draco, Light Dom/sub, Dom Harry, Top Harry Potter, Fluff and Smut, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Established Relationship, Risk Aware Consensual Kink, Dirty Talk, fluffy kinkfic, Harry Potter is the soppiest dom of all Summary: Harry’s favourite time to finger Draco is right after sex. ❤️ Read on AO3

#drarry #drarry recs #game of drarry #wizards hearts #wh masterlist

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kazayneo · 3 years ago

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*runs in here* heyheyhey. im in the mood to ramble about old cringy stories and im gonna make it everyone’s problem

*cracks knuckles* so- theres a story that lingers in my mind sometimes!! its still unnamed but i consider it a main story, a story that lasted in my mind for a long time and something that is,,at least more developed than other stories haha its very loosely based off of rpg games- with classes and adventurers and monsters and magic and the like

the story centers around 6(?) main characters in an adventurer group thing they all came from different places all around the world, but through a string of coincidences, they all ended up in the middle continent oh!! and also!! theres the geography of this world theres 3 known continents, with tiny islands scattered around near them theyre all named, i just dont remember what i called them

theres the 1st continent, the one where magic is everywhere and mages thrive. in fact, most of the strongest mages are born there. its very old fashioned, maybe medieval inspired, and theres a large empire ruling it, with a royal family at it's head. power-hungry nobles fight for power, and commoners struggle below them. meanwhile, there’s a succession war going on between the empire’s 2 heirs. it’s not at it’s peak yet, but it’s still there in the background. there used to be a 3rd heir who disappeared years ago, and there are rumors of her return. who knows, though? the royal family has a lot of skeletons in their closet.

theres the 3rd continent, where magic is limited and very rare. to the point where mages are either outcasted or used as very important weapons its very futuristic, the technology is the most advanced out of the 3 continents. after all, the 3rd continent has the harshest environment out of all 3. and with its very limited natural magic, the humans living there needed to adapt to survive its a dystopian type of society with an oppressive government. but, underground and hidden away, there are many resistances plotting to take it down

and then theres the 2nd continent, the middle one where the story starts and where the main cast meet up its the one in between the 1st and 3rd continents, both physically and metaphorically theres a balance of technology and magic there the 2nd continent is divided into small villages and governments and kingdoms. the balance of magic and technology, and the ideals and laws vary between these places. but generally, they are fairly neutral

hmmm the 1st and 3rd continents are at war with eachother and even tho most people from the 2nd continent are trying to stay out of this war, they are still caught up in the crossfire, since the 2nd continent is in between the 1st and 3rd continents thats where the main cast comes in, kinda the main cast is mostly made up of characters who came from either the 1st or 3rd continents, but ran to the 2nd continent to hide, for various reasons and the rest of them are already super duper tired of the war and the way it has destroyed their land even tho the continents(nations?) all look cool on the surface, theyre all falling apart at the seams everyone just want the war to end

hmm wait i have some backstory for some of them that i remember- rima(i think her name was rima) was a talented mage who specialized in healing. she was also born in the 3rd nation she was given a choice, either join the war as a weapon or get left behind with no shelter in a world where everyone is against her and despite her prickly exterior, shes kind at heart. she would never hurt anyone if she doesnt need to and so she flees

theres also,,,healy and levin im pretty sure?? dont remember them that much healy is a blind girl born in a noble family, with levin as her guard and older brother figure. i dont exactly remember what happened, but healy betrays her family as well as the royal family, and is banished from the kingdom levin goes with her

kiki, stupid name but still, was a street kid in the 2nd nation, who survived on stealing stuff from different villages she was always on the run. maybe there were kind families who gave her shelter, but they never lasted because of the war shes seen how desperate people can get when they needed to survive in such harsh conditions, seen the destruction of the war and the effects it has on others, shes been caught in the crossfire so many times and lost so much- she promised herself never to stay still again kiki's fast and full of spite. her speed kept her alive. if shes given the chance, maybe she can outrun the war too and never feel that pain again

ooo theres also so many side characters that ended up stealing the spotlight from the main cast fun fact for the 1st nation, the one with the empire, the royal family *isnt doing so great* theres a divide between the king and queen, who married for purely political reasons and never got along well they had 2 biological children, isolde(the original one), and,,,* squints at notes * theo?? im pretty sure?? isolde was the oldest one, with theo being the 2nd one. they grew up together, just them against the world until * insert political thing that i completely forgot * happened and isolde is banished from the kingdom because the empire has a system in place where the royals are required to have 2 heirs, so that they can have a succession war to place the strongest as the ruler, there needed to be a 2nd heir after isolde was banished so they adopted rose, an orphan with incredible magic and talent. rose is the youngest child

what happened to isolde? she fled to take refuge in the 3rd nation, the only nation who agreed to take in the banished princess no kingdom from the 2nd nation agreed to do so, because they were afraid of becoming enemies to the 1st nation isolde agreed to join the war as a combat medic and a strategist for the 3rd nation, rising up the ranks super quickly and eventually landing a position as the head healer this is all hidden from the royal family back in the 1st nation, before they eventually find her on the battlefield, on the other side (maybe)

oh and also!! the royal family mm so remember the conflict between the king and queen? yea. they both played the funky favorites game since isolde inherited the queen's incredibly strong healing magic, she was the queen's favorite. isolde reminded the queen of herself, since isolde grew up naive and cheerful and kind. the queen wanted to protect that innocence. but naivety doesnt last long in war and the king's favorite was rose, the orphan he personally picked as a potential heir. like the queen and isolde, rose reminded the king of himself, because she grew up in hopeless circumstances that made her form a hard and prickly shell to survive. and despite that, rose still had the motivation to rise up. the king respects that. and so rose is his favorite theo is kinda just,,caught in the middle. hes the middle child, the mediator, the golden child who is somehow still forgotten by everyone

and yknow the kingdom that the family rules? everyone there have kinda,,extreme thoughts on both princesses some love isolde and hate rose. these are the ones who are in full support of the queen some love rose and hate isolde. these are the ones who support the king but everyone has good opinions on theo. hes just the universal ":D" yknow? most people expected him to be the future ruler. and maybe it gets exhausting, always being the neutral one. hes tired and lonely, he misses isolde and he cant get to rose no matter how hard he tries man he just wants a happy family again HAJSKAHKAS

ohh and theres also the side characters from the 3rd nation theres a lot of resistances against the oppressive government, but theres a big resistance that the government is the most determined to squash it started out small, with maybe 6-7 people in it. these are the og members. theyre the leaders of the current resistance (maybe theres some parallels to the main cast?)

but back when they were 1st starting to get big, one of the og members went missing after a mission his name,,,,dave. lets call him dave. dave was captured and force to join the government or else,,,something back happens im pretty sure but idk and so dave cooperates with them and years and years go by, when the og members are forced to move on and prioritize the movement. they shifted into a new dynamic, one without their friend. but things were never the same

until one day, one of them find dave on the other side of the battlefield, wearing the uniform of the governemnt's millitary everything stops for just a moment, as the leaders look at him in shock then, screams and cries ring around them, and they look around to see that they are surrounded dave turns away (thats when the resistance leaders and most of its members are captured. dave is a traitor. or is he? dun dun dun)

#copied straight from discord babyyyy #wow this is long HJKSHKDAHSKDS #i loved this story back then #maybe i'll come back to it again in the future? who knows #bongo writes #yes indeed i created this so that i dont have to spam every single time a friend agrees to listen to me #heeyyy pspspspsp babes from the gc if you're reading this hello

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daisy--sorbet · 4 years ago

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heyyy, hope you’re having a good night!! if you have the energy and feel okay answering, what’s up w taz graduation? i haven’t checked it out yet but i was thinking ab it. just asking bc you’re the first person i saw talk ab the show having serious issues, but also feel free to not answer this!! hope you have a good week!

i took a nice hot bath, had a strawberry kiwi capri-sun, and did a nice face mask and i’m feeling pretty good - so, y’know what anon? let’s talk about it.

for anyone who likes taz grad who sees this post: it’ll be tagged with “taz grad hate” (although i feel hate is definitely a very strong word - it’s for the simplicity of tagging it) - so please block the tag if you don’t want to see this post (especially because i put a readmore on a post before and it didn’t show up on mobile and instead gave the full post). mobile tumblr has a tag blocking system, so please feel free to use it! i don’t mind haha

anyway, so this is... probably going to be a lost post, and i wanna go ahead and preface it: this absolutely isn’t any hate on the mcelroys themselves. i love the brothers and their dad a lot, and while i doubt any of them would ever see this (or have it sent to them, or shown to them, because im pretty sure they try to distance themselves from this sort of thing), i just want to make it clear that criticizing a product is different than bashing a person. which brings me to the point of if i do end up sounding as if im bashing someone - please call me out on it! it’s not my intention to target anyone.

with that said, let’s talk about this campaign.

so my problems are as thus: the railroading, the shipping (a fandom problem, but it’s present in the podcast), the NPCs, and some misc problems others have addressed better than i have.

which. i know. that’s basically the entire podcast. (i promise i’ll bring up some positive points to balance it all out). keep in mind i’ve only personally listened to... what, six episodes? and it was enough for me to drop it. some people dropped it first ep, some dropped it ep four, and others are still forcing themselves to listen.

the railroading

there was a time i could handle travis and his railroading [making sure the story goes exactly the way he has planned], because it was the very beginning of the podcast and that’s what you can kind of expect from a plot-heavy podcast. hell, i wouldn’t mind it if the interactions and goofs weren’t a huge part of why i listen to TAZ in particular (which, by the way, is why amnesty still stuck out to me - even if there was a direction griffin wanted to push them towards, the interactions between the players (or players and npcs) made up for any railroading). it’s kind of hard to not railroad a little when it’s story-heavy and you’re trying to built up a world that you’ve put a lot of thought into. however, a huge part of d&d is the spontaneity.

it’s kind of why i think balance was so popular. while there was railroading towards the end, there was the presence of improv that made it all good. most mcelroy content is enjoyed because of the goofs. the magic brian moment is memorable. the jenkin’s fight still stands out because it was funny (albeit a result of some bad rolls). the boys teasing angus sticks out because the four would play well off of each other. even without that - griffin had talked about how he had to roll with things (the fact he had planned for a fight atop the train, but ditched the idea for what his family members came up with instead). even in amnesty, a couple moments that stick out to me still are ned with the jetpack taking out a pizza hut sign, and the scene with the water where jake was trapped inside. they aren’t as fun, but they still stand out as “things i didnt expect to really end the way they did.”

with grad, it’s just. one after another. the thundermen want to subpoena a xorn? cool, let’s run with that until actually the xorn gets fed rocks and goes home and who cares about the subpoena now. fitzroy wants to keep his cloak? lets talk about it for a while and you also get no rolls to even try to keep it. fitzroy goes to meet higglemas in his office? oh, why are you here fitzroy? im going to keep asking you until you answer fitzroy? you arent getting out of this scene until you answer me, fitzroy, so just tell me why you’re here already, alright, fitzroy?

and even later in a episode i read a transcript of: hey argo, remember how you have this whole secret motivation? fuck you, im gonna talk about it here in your dream and reveal it to listeners and remove any tension you had building up, and you dont get a choice to talk about it because this all-knowing villain knows all about it :)

and even NOW in the latest episode, there’s a comment that “we should cap argo’s skills here” instead of just... making the checks higher. rogues are good at certain things and usually arent the best in battles. better hope argo never makes it to level 11, because who knows how people are gonna handle the fact that he gets a skill that’ll make it so certain skills can’t have a roll below 10 (reliable talent).

(griffin, thankfully, calls travis out for that, but still - travis, why would you even imply that, considering you should be aware of how rogues work considering magnus multiclassed into rogue and you played one on tiny heist?)

and in the newest episode, their Big Bad chaos (which, god, i personally hate that name) straight-out says “dont do this” to the thundermen. travis tries to say, on twitter, “a character saying “dont do this” is different than me saying it” but i need to point out that it’s one thing if you’ve said “no” in character but worked with the PCs doing otherwise, but the railroading says differently.

the shipping

ill try to make this quick, because it’s nothing to do with the fandom (ship however you want, man) - but i really feel the need to draw attention to this.

fitzroy, as confirmed by griffin in a ttazz episode, is asexual. not aroace, but ace nonetheless. and i find it... troublesome that the idea of rainer and fitzroy having a relationship is still pushed nonetheless, despite the fact that fitzroy (to my knowledge) was never once shown to reciprocate any feelings. not to be that person, but i really hope that grad doesnt have any sort of romantic relationships in it (at least - not between NPCs and PCs unless they’re actually like... warranted?).

i dont know, man. one of my closest friends is ace, and i know she wants a relationship, but i think it would reassure her a lot to see an ace character who isn’t pushed into one in case she ever changes her mind. someone once mentioned that they hope fi/tz/ra/in doesnt happen because theres relationships that have that “oh, you can just date” and it goes upwards there to “oh, you can have sex just to please them <3″ (which, to be honest, is kind of a gross mindset - if someone isnt interested, they arent interested).

also, uh, the TTAZZ where griffin states this, there’s kind of the mention tht the whole sexuality question was posed in relation to the episode “creative thinking” (the dream one i mentioned earlier) - which. uh. i don’t know if anyone caught this, but... rainer straight-up wrote fitzroy a letter in the dream like “are you going to accept my proposal? a girl doesn’t like to be left waiting” which. leaves me with some gross feelings because uh.

if... if the whole thing about fitzroys sexual orientation was addressed here, then why would you push your ship anyway? feels kinda iffy, man.

to which i want to say: fitzroy can date. he’s allowed to date. griffins allowed to do whatever he wants with his character. but when a lot of the flirting is met with nothing, i’m not gonna see the chemistry there. just because travis ships it doesn’t mean it’s canon.

the npcs

ah yes. lets talk about the npcs.

there’s... a lot. a lot a lot. i think travis trimmed down how many were present in a scene, but uh. there’s still a lot. and... uh... i kinda wish there wasn’t?

look, i know im going back to balance/amnesty, but just. hang in there for a moment. chill with me. vibe.

balance didnt have too many NPCs present at all times in each mini-arc. gerblins had some big names like barry, klarg, gundren, killian, yeemick, and magic brian. rockport limited had angus, jess, graham the juicy wizard jenkins, and all of the tom bodetts mentioned.

amnestys first arc had mama, barclay, jake, dani, pigeon, kirby, minerva, and that was about it for like. big names? and not all of them were present in each scene.

in the first episode of grad alone: gary, hernandez, jimson, rolandus, zana, rhodes, buckminster eden, rainer, leon, tomas, hieronymous, higglemas, stuart, jackle, bartholomeus, mulligan, groundsy, germaine/victoria/rattles (the skeleton crew). and those are the ones i wrote down (minus groundsy, who i just. ignores. idk him).

like holy shit, my english prof got onto me for having too many characters in my first chapter and i didnt even have half the amount listed there!

it’s just a huge cast. does this take place in a school? yes! theres bound to be a lot of students present - but you don’t have to name every single one of them, at least not in the first episode!

the miscellaneous

i don’t know if travis ever actually addressed it, but wheelchair users have actually like... said that rainer’s introduction bothered them, because she was like “please ask me abt my wheelchair :)” when travis saying she was in an ornate chair would have sufficed.

uh. the colonization vibes people have discussed within the centaur arc. mentioned here, the replies here, and this post (and its replies) here as well.

the overall lack of d&d when the campaign was kind of advertised as a return to d&d if i remember correctly

also no one seems to be taking literally any criticism at all which like. ignoring the petty shit, sure, but people have stopped donating to taz and their listener-ship must have dropped some during this entire time - you’d think that maybe someone could say “we need to find out why people dont like the thing and fix the thing” consider this is. yknow. their livelihood.

anyway uhhh

tl;dr: travis railroads way too much (even now), the shipping in-game has become pushy and gross (especially bc its shoving a relationship onto an asexual character), theres too many npcs that dont stand out well enough, and no ones taking any criticism about the major issues with grad.

#taz grad hate #taz graduation hate #Anonymous #ok im gonna go to sleep now goodnight #maybe ill wake up to hate tbh that'll be wild

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sup4l3e · 4 years ago

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I’m Crazy...

I’m insane...

I've lost the plot..

I'm hopeless..

I'm worthless..

I'm unloveable..

I'm pathetic..

I'm weird..

I'm strange..

I'm not okay...

I'm a psycho... (ok this one for me might be true... question it, go on try it! i dare you! ;0 lol)

BUT...

I AM!!!

Those are just some of the things my own mind tells me on a daily basis ... yes here it comes a blog about anxiety and depression... omg!! i know right the cliche of it all. like who hasnt written a blog about depression before ...

oh woe is me! am i right?

well... thats where you're wrong!

(before i start i want no sympathy im not writing this for the "aww's" and the "bless her" comments, i dont want sympathy or empathy ... this is simply because ive experienced and lived with depression for about 14 years and if i can help one person feel better about themselves by reading this or help someone realise that they are not alone then, well, i can rest easy tonight. If anything i want to empower people)

I lived for so many years in the dark, keeping all of this too myself and you know what it did? absolutely sweet FA apart from making me so much worse, it gave ammunition to those little voices, telling me all of the above, making them win!

i didnt realise until about 2-3 years ago that talking about my experiences and how im feeling would help.

i didnt realise until about 2-3 years ago how many other people around me were going through the EXACT same thing.

Two and a half years ago i was a completely different person, i was sheltered, i was in a very toxic relationship ... with myself. Most people would disagree, they'd say i was actually in a toxic relationship with my ex partner; but i cant blame him. Dont get me wrong he was toxic and looking back i was lucky to get out when i did, however i am also grateful too him, because he showed me exactly what i dont want in my life. and being fair to him i'd lived with my own toxicity in my mind for a good 10 years before him, so god forbid i'd give him the satisfaction of all that praise coz by god did i do a damned good number on myself without any of his help. ;)

In all honestly though, i do blame myself and my own mind, because 2 and a half years ago those little voices in my own head were the only thing i was listening to, they were winning. I wasnt listening to my family who were worried sick about me, who were practically begging me to tell them what was going on in my head, who i shut out, ignored and pushed away because i couldnt cope and you know what? they didnt deserve that at all. i live everyday regretting that i put them through that, So i now live everyday hoping to make them proud of me and live each and everyday with a promise. I do however live every day regretting that i didnt let them in earlier because if i had of i wouldnt have gone through the hell i did and i wouldnt have genuinely believed "this is what i deserve" "no-one else will love you" "no-one else wants you" "no-one cares"... i wouldnt have had too live a LIE.

The lie was people did love me, i just couldnt see it, people did care about me, i just wouldnt hear it, i needed their help, i just wouldnt speak it; because at that point in time my own mind was telling me that i didnt deserve any of that, and that nobody would ever want to do that for me. So i found sactuary in a toxic person who in the long run made me the strong person i am today because if it werent for him i'd never have the confidence in myself knowing what i overcame, and if it werent for him i wouldnt have seen my family and loved ones take charge and say "Leanne enough is enough" .. they gave me the metaphorical slap across the face i damned well needed and brought me back to reality, they categorically wouldnt allow that behaviour to carry on anymore and for that i will forever be grateful!

i made a promise to them that day that i would always tell them when i was getting low again and i made a promise to myself that day that i would keep them in the forefront of my mind in all of my decisions and i would also promise to try and help anyone else who was ever in the same position i was in.

depression is a funny old thing, everyone will experience some form of depression throughout their life, some people are genetically wired to experience it, some people will experience it from a young age, some dont experience it until very late on in life, some experience it from sad/happy/overwhelming life events, some unlucky souls just never find happiness. but no matter what EVERYONE will, at somepoint experience depression. in this blog im going to try and explain how i've learned to manage and cope with mine.

A bit of a backstory of my depression, it started around the age of 14-15, my depression. I dont know where it came from but it was right around the time of my GCSE's, college, boys, hormones, and being diagnosed with PCOS (for those of you who dont know what that is its Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) i was told at a young age of 14 that i had some sort of syndrome which "would only matter when i got older", and that i had some of the prettiest ovaries the sonographer and gyneacologist had ever seen... in hindsight that wasnt going to be the compliment i first thought it was or the dismissive statement they portrayed it and brushed it off as, at all! THAT diagnosis changed alot of my life, however i will get back to that.

As most teens do around here I started studying for my GCSE's at just 15 years old. i was so stressed out i started actually hearing a screaming voice in my head. i suffered panic attacks daily, sometimes a few attacks a day, and that is where my anxiety started and then, good old depression smashed me in the face. i found the more stressed i became, the more id hear that screaming inside my head which then lead me to thinking " holy fucking shitballs im hearing voices im actually insane" therefore leading to more anxiety and panic attacks. so much so i would come home exhausted at 4pm everyday crawl into my pyjamas and climb into bed ready to do it all again the following day. (dont get me wrong i sat most nights on msn using the latest flashing emojis for EACH and EVERY letter of the alphabet, to the point it looked more like hyroglyphics and obviously getting the colours just right with the codes to make your name and status show in a rainbow. but that was all done in pj's curled up in bed because i couldnt manage much else ... however, if my mam asks i was revising and doing my homework THE. WHOLE. TIME, not talking to my friends about how hot a certain crush's bum looked that day ha! am i right! :P xoxo)

This was all a massive thing for me to go through aswell, due to the fact my dad has mental health issues and lives with schizophrenia, so, naturally at this point, you can imagine i was picturing myself in padlocked straight jackets and padded cells, talking away to the screaming voice in my head. the funniest thing was this screaming voice wasnt saying anything nasty or bad it was just my thoughts screaming at me like everything was angry, so genuinely just everyday life thoughts but those screaming at me, like, imagine thinking "leanne dont forget to pack your PE kit" but in the voice of Gunnery Sergeant Hartman from Full Metal Jacket... it. was. TERRIFYING!

Anyways, so yes high school was a massive contributor, then i made the choice to leave college at 17 because i, like many others, didnt have the faintest clue what i wanted to be when i grew up (little did i know id live the life of peter pan and neverland would be my sesh house OIOI!!!) In leaving college i went into full time work, as a 'temp job' until i decided what i was going to do... unfortunately, 8 and a half years later i was still their prisoner! haha, Nah, dont get me wrong i met some absolutely amazing people in that job and i did love it but i knew at the end, if i didnt get out it was going to kill me off. I'd gotten to the point in that job that i cried myself to sleep knowing i had to go back in the next day. that place contributed alot to my depression not because it was a bad job but because id made a wrong decision and was stuck there. i had to leave.

my next massive contributor, and this is where i divulge some of my REAL heartbreaks. PCOS - Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome or what i like to call Poly fucking Cystic fucking Ovary fucking Syndrome or "lets just fuck shit up!" (no im not bitter about it at all lol) because of this shit, from the very young age of 14 (like puberty isnt hard enough - spots, hair in places you never wanted boobs growing overnight, bleeding once a month being the biggest inconvenience) i have also had to deal with weight issues, hersuitism, depression, anxiety, hormones that sent me bat shit crazy, pain, headaches, fatigue, you name it i had it. but the biggest heartbreak, being told that id always have difficulty concieving and carrying a child. Anyone who knows me, and knows me well, knows i have always wanted to be a mam. (and not the sesh mam who looks after all my drunken idiotic friends on a night out ... coz i swear thats all they ever think i do lol) I mean a real mam, to a real baby. and being told at a young age that i had the prettiest ovaries the gyneacologist had ever seen wasnt the compliment i thought it was because it turned out my ovaries were absolutely covered in cysts. And for years i have tried to have a baby but alas nothing ever happens. i've had a few close calls and ive miscarried, or at least i think i did, the test came back positive but then about 3 days after that pretty pink second line, i had the heaviest period i had ever had for around 4 hours and then my body went back to normal as if nothing happened. it broke my heart.

They say the human body is delicate and intricate and should be treated with respect... i say its a machine and its a absolute twat at times, and why should i respect what in essence has caused me heartbreak from a young age FOR NO FUCKING REASON. but hey ho... life. goes. on.

so... thats my life story or just a snippet of it. and some of the reasons why i have depression.

heres how i cope...

Well, for a long time.. and i mean a VERY LONG time i didnt. i hid it, i hid away from the world. i drank alot. i avoided family, i avoided my best friends, i avoided anything that would have brought me back to reality.

For a long time though, thats what i needed. now im not saying running away from your issues is easy and thats what you should do because its definitely not. im saying i NEEDED to do it at the time because i had no other way of coping and i NEEDED too to learn what not to do in the future. So masking, for me, was better than facing things 'alone'. In that time though, i made my issues alot worse and in fact caused more issues. it hurt my family, my friends and well hurt myself too, because in the long run i still had to sober up and i still had to deal with the same issues that got me down in the first place, i ended up in debt which contributed further too my issues. I did some very silly things which when i look back on them now i could have hurt so many people. i took an overdose of painkillers at one point around 2 and a half years ago. I felt so weak i saw no other outcome but instantly regretted doing it and made myself sick so that they came back up. i've told my mother and close friends about this previously but i think to really show how much i've learned and to reach out to anyone who is feeling the same way i did, to tell them IT REALLY DOES GET BETTER AND EASIER. i think saying that, shows my honesty throughout this post and allows for my experience and honesty really show that i want to help anyone going through the same thing.

Masking just makes the pain go away for a short period of time. learning from your pain and making it your strength is how you really overcome your own mind and depression.

It wasnt until i realised i was never alone, just how selfish and stupid id been all that time, because in masking, hiding and running away, id stupidly stopped myself from a faster recovery, less heartache, less pain and mental and physical torture. and really i stopped myself from helping others in the same position as me.

it wasnt until i learned to make my pain my strength that i truly found peace in who i am.

i still have days where those voices wont shut up, and they win and thats ok.

i still have days where i cannot climb out of bed and thats ok.

i still have days where i cry and the pain is too much and thats ok.

because i learned all of it really is ok! everyone has those same thoughts the same feelings the same illnesses. and i know that tomorrow WILL be a better day.

you just need to learn how to make it and own it as your own!

nothing has changed for me, all of those things are still true they're still real, my body hasnt miraculously healed itself, i still made poor life choices, it hasnt changed my hormonal imbalances but it has changed my mindset. it has changed my life. i made a choice to change my mindset and not let it beat me i decided to let people in. my family are my guardian angels because they never gave up on me, they dragged it out of me and frogmarched me to the doctors for the help i needed but some people dont have that support in their lives.

i'm lucky enough now, to have lived with this for long enough to know my signs, and when i know what i call, "going dark" is coming. basically when i start slipping and losing control of it again, i identify it and know how to manage it head on. unfortunately my body because of the stupid "intricate machine" i have and how broken it is (believe me the day i can swap out into an AI robot body imma sign straight up for that shit imma have me a body like Jennifer Anniston) my body however tends to go into a meltdown, i end up with more migraines, pain and infections. i also get extremely tired to the point i can sleep for a good 15-20 hours a day and thats not me being lazy (although if sleeping were an olympic sport i'd be the universal champion of it BED=LIFE) thats really me needing to reset. at that point in time when i know this is coming, thats when i reach out; i tell my friends and my family "I'm not okay" because i know now i can do that, i can talk to them.

i, personally, take medication daily, and for some reason we live in a society where people are actually shamed for doing so. i know if i dont take those 2 little tablets every day i will lose control and become a shell of who i really am. my seratonin levels drop and i practically become a robot barely functioning. so why should i be ashamed of those 2 little 'happy pills' which make me the person i want to be and know i truly am! no chemical imbalance is going to get the better of me! if i can have the help, im damned sure going to take it. along with the happy pills, aswell as alot of sleep, sunbeds, spending time with family and friends whenever i possibly can, i now have a job that i love, i also retrained as a beautician, and i love going to the gym and swimming whenever i can, ive found i can manage mine alot better. one thing that massively changed my life was limitting when i drink. i rarely go out drinking anymore and the reason is because i know deep down i will end up in a very low state afterwards. alcohol is a depressant and i wont allow that kind of thing to get me down. so now instead i choose to drink once a month if not less. i havent cut out the drink completely i just know if i want to get blinding drunk i need to be in a very happy place to do so. so i am careful where i drink, who i drink with and what i do whilst im drinking and unfortunately much to my neighbours disgust that tends to be in the house whilst singing along to whitney houston or disney songs at the top of my lungs, but thats how i know i'll not plummet the day after, and lets face it anyone whose heard me singing knows whitney had nothing on me ;)

In all seriousness though, the best advice i can give anyone living with depression is talk to someone, talk to your family, talk to your neighbour, talk to your friends, talk to your doctor, talk to your dog, your cat, the postman, the man on the bus who sits oddly close too you... just talk to anyone. tell them how you are feeling tell them your experiences. tell them what is getting to you. Find someone who you can trust, find a stranger. write it all down in a blog. video it. GET IT ALL OFF YOUR CHEST! SAY IT OUT LOUD! Just. Bloody. Talk! please!

everyones experiences with depression are different some people mask it, some people show it, some people (like me now) shout it from the fucking rooftops because im not afraid of my emotions anymore.

everyones ways of coping are different too, some people find the gym helps, some rely on medication, some rely on talking therapies... there are so many different ways of coping out there now... the only way that doesnt work is not admitting something is wrong and fighting your own mind without help, knowing something isnt right but still doing nothing about it. The only way of not coping is living a lie, you dont have to do this alone!

Basically do those things just for you, the ones you've always wanted to do! get that tattoo you wanted, quit your job, retrain, change your hair colour, buy that car, buy that dog, book that holiday.

do what makes YOU happy!

live for you and open up, people would rather know how you are feeling than see you struggle or ultimately not be here.

open up you never know someone might be feeling the exact same way you are and it could bring you closer.

but remember most importantly:

You ARE NOT Alone..

You ARE NOT Crazy..

You ARE NOT insane..

You HAVE NOT lost the plot..

You ARE NOT hopeless..

You ARE NOT worthless..

You ARE NOT unloveable..

You ARE NOT pathetic..

You ARE NOT weird..

You ARE NOT a psycho..

You ARE NOT strange..

And..

You ARE okay...

You ARE Beautiful..

You ARE Worth it..

YOU ARE Loved

i hope this helps...

thank you ☺

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sgnhyunjae · 4 years ago

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HELLO SEONGNAM !!! it’s velvet (@sejunsgn’s mun!), back at it again with another muse... ahn hyunjae! if you recognise him, he was jungsgn a few months ago. a dancer with a one-track mind. he’s back, this time a bit grumpier and 5x more emotionally constipated. there are a few changes! now, he’s the tenacious premade, so you know he doesn’t exactly shy away from backstabbing if he needs to.

anyways! if you want to learn more, i have his profile and background up. as always, LIKE THIS POST if you want me to approach you for plotting. under the cut i will be listing a brief summary of who he is in general and possible connections. i can’t wait to write with all of you!

the tldr

he came from a relatively well-off family, his father being an actor and his mom being an ex-idol/dancer. his parents divorced not long after he was born. he doesn’t speak with his dad

his mother injured herself and she couldn’t continue performing. because of that she shoved all her dreams onto hyunjae, shaping him into what she wanted to be regardless of what he actually wants

because of that he feels like an empty shell, he has a one-track mind focused on dance and doesn’t allow himself the luxury of enjoying anything else. despite this he is a very talented dancer

he’s kind of lost? he has a path made out for him by his mother and she controls every aspect of his life from when to smile to how to breathe so he feels pretty bland and isn’t in touch with his emotions At All

he doesn’t really try to get along with anyone because it’s ingrained in him that people are a hindrance and will only distract him from his ultimate goal which is. his mom’s dream. so he doesn’t indulge himself in socialising much

not having any way to channel his feelings including the bitterness and anger, he may come across a bit harsh and matter-of-fact at times, but he has the soul of a joker inside. he’s very clingy to those he care about! it’s like there’s two people in him, the personality that his mom indirectly built and who he really is

he finished his military service before entering seongnam! it was upon his mother’s request, she wanted him to focus solely on dance

( weight talk, eating disorder, vomitting )

he has an eating disorder, he exercises way over the healthy amount and purges by puking out the contents of his meal. this all stems from his mother and his constant scrutiny on his body image. he hasn’t spoken about this to anyone else, really. even with his eating disorder, he likes to cook, even though his mother disapproves and it makes things harder on him. it has gotten slightly better, which is why he eventually joined the cooking club in seongnam

( end tw )

he’s a junior student that majors in dance and minors in sports communication. he’s in wolfbane (treasurer), yoga, cooking and the dance club (captain)! he resides in lim village, yi hall, third floor in room #29

fun fact so this ends on a good note: he has a dolphin screech as a laugh. he is embarrassed about it. tends to fall over or make wide gestures when he’s laughing

possible connections

his ride or die. it takes a lot for hyunjae to fully trust someone, but you two just click! although he isn’t ready to confide in anyone about all his troubles yet, when the time comes, you’d be the first to know. you’re one of the few people who gets to see him without a scowl on his face, all smiles and prone to playful banter

other people that he would hang out with! i think he’d have a close circle of... friends? not a lot, but enough for him. you want to get closer to him, you consider him a friend, he just doesn’t think that’s a wise choice on your part (despite caring for you an equal amount)

he also has... insomnia... and he usually deals with it by walking around late at night. jogging. maybe just wandering around. you have the same habit, or you just happen upon him one day. you could have bonded throughout those shared nights

people from the dance club who’s aware he did something bad to get his position as captain but have no proof. he’s also just an overly strict captain, probably would push the team over the limit because if it’s not perfect then you’re out. your muse might not appreciate that

cooking club buddies! unfortunately, because of reasons, even after he makes an extravagant meal, he usually gives it away to someone else. maybe you’re one of the people who he usually gives it to

dance partner, maybe? he’s overly critical on himself and he might be the same way with you, but you are also someone he respects in the field of dance. even though the devil inside him (whispers from his mom) is telling him to upstage you in every way

dance rivals! same rules apply, except he doesn’t have to be as buddy-buddy with you

maybe a past fling? he has never been in a relationship, but an almost-relationship? he probably has. he’s not in-tune with his emotions, and he’s always pressured by his mom to not waste any time on anyone else. plus: emotional constipation. he broke it off before you two formed a label, even if he held feelings for you back then. he discarded them and you for his mother’s dreams

one way to get him to melt... is to show him your pets! he loves any and all animals, really. even unconventional ones

people who find him Passed Out because he practiced too hard

people he feeds because he is horrible at feeding himself... or maybe you decide to take it upon yourself to help him out with that?

people who are fans of his mom?? people who are fans of HIM?? he uploads his choreo/performances onto youtube so,,, and he joins a Lot of dance competitions

he NEEDS other interests that isnt dancing... so drag him into your hobbies, even if you think it's rather unusual! contrary to popular belief he isnt that hard to impress

LASTLY... if we plotted before (when he was still jungsgn) and you’re interested in picking that back up,,, i’d be more than happy to! like, seriously

if you have ideas of your own do Not hesitate to hit me up with them! i can guarantee i’d love whatever you have in mind. promise

#「 ahn hyunjae * ooc 」#( this is... super fucking long! )#( i am. so sorry?? )#( if you read everything i love you )#( i'll also be out for a while )#( but i promise i'll respond to ims asap! )

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goldtips · 5 years ago

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okay so ya girl is back at it again. this was originally going to be a reply to someone but well. it got out of hand. i shat all over babylon the anime a while ago and honestly kind of feel bad. there are definitely things that the show does that makes it stand out, esp as a seasonal anime bc you dont expect dir. to spend much time on them!!!! like if we’re comparing this to shows like fanservice anime or any .. mediocre seasonal isekai then ofc this show is better lmfao. the only reason i shit on it is because i expected this anime to be Better ;;;;;;;

mind, i’m not rescinding my statement - as far as i’m concerned, babylon is still a hella frustrating anime because it tries to showcase humans as nihilistic, utilitarian robots that don’t seem to consider the topic of suicide emotionally even though thats supposedly humanity’s defining trait ??? and it deals with the topic of suicide with the care of elephants gallivanting in the fucking savanna :))) the whole show has also been pretty lacklustre in terms of characterization, trying way too hard to be intellectual and feed edgy plot points instead of giving any development - the plot feels reactionary overall and placid rather than exciting. also, the fact that the anime started as a mystery / politico-legal sort of show just makes the transition from that to abstract theory even more forced...........

HOWEVER im promised im going to stop shitting on babylon so lets talk about what the anime does right shall we. more specifically,,, the biblical imagery!!! is great !!!! : D

the show is called babylon. in the old testament (ot), babylon is humanized as a “brutal, callous and proud” woman who “believed that she would reign over the earth forever.” in the new testatment the phrase “she who is at babylon” refers to the new world culture currently at war with the covenant community. in such that rome, as a mistress or whore of the new world, is seeking to seduce and subvert people of god, enticing men to fall “drunk with the wine of her fornication.”

yes,,,, a whore who uses sex to entice innocent men into complying with new culture? who believes herself to be akin to god and also in this context, above the law and morality - im gonna say its not too far a stretch to say that magase was intended to symbolise the whore of babylon.

however, that’s not all - links can be made between the enactment of the suicide laws and the seduction of new culture. who exactly is leading the front? kaika itsuki ( 齋開化 ), who’s name literally means culture. that aint a coincidence. also, that weirdly-placed reference to roman law / norms during the suicide debate as a way to convince the masses to revert / adopt roman ideology??? also not a coincidence. :))))

in addition, there are two other major biblical events related to babylon:

the book of revelations; and

the tower of babel.

its safe to say that both narratives are being pushed atm.

revelations:

in revelation 17, the spirit of babylon decends upon earth through the whore. she arrives on the back of a beast with 7 heads, “arrayed in purple and scarlet”, “drunk with the blood of the saints, the blood of the martyrs of Jesus.” “seven heads are seven mountains, on which the woman sitteth.” the revelations also prophesizes that she will be defeated by a beast, but it is unclear as to which. there are two beasts in book of revelations. the first beast comes "out of the sea" given authority and power by the dragon/serpent. the second beast comes "out of the earth" directing people to worship the first beast, a "false prophet".

in a similar vein, nomaru had secretly vouched for itsuki’s, providing itsuki with the necessary resources for him to rise up in ranks and become the new mayor. the kanji for ryuichiro nomaru ( 野丸龍一郎 ) contains both the kanji 野 and 龙 which respectively mean field (i.e. earth) and dragon. they are key references to the beasts of revelation

plus according to nomaru, it was also purely because of magase that the political struggle turned out the way that it did, meaning that she is ultimately the one controlling the entire operation. this mirrors the way she is sitting on the heads of the beast (i.e. the proverbial brains of the campaign that itsuki is heading)

we also see that when magase uses her powers her eyes and hair glow in a sort of purple/burgundy color to support the imagery as well!

the book of revelations is the final chapter of nt. it is merely an allegory of struggle between good and evil and doesnt refer to actual people or events. kinda like the show huh. nyyy way, we see that the protag john the apostle writes down what is revealed to him through visions to send it to the 7 churches :))

kinda like how zen keeps on seeing magase through visions and has to document !! his findings and report back to admin? ik this isnt exact but there’s a bit where he has to write down her confession and it really struck me as weird until this bit popped up, maybe that was included to as a way of tying in :))

tower:

according to the myth, there were plans to build a city and tower high enough to reach heaven - god who observes this confounds their speech so that they can no longer understand each other. why? because “now nothing will be restrained from them, which they have imagined to do.”

while not entirely similar, we see recurring themes in babylon that deal with miscommunication and new ideology. the conflict mirrors the myth in that unity of language (or ideology in this case) and its subsequent discordance once differentiated.

the interrogation scene in ep 4 deals with reconciling differences. magase asks whether those with different values should be accepted, despite them being contrary to norm. all this time, society has been developing an ideal set of norms - the entire country shares the same values and priorities with no deviation. growth has stagnated. in similar fashion to how god commands for many languages to be created, magase sows the seeds of doubt towards long-standing assumptions and moral values in order to create discordance and push japan into a state of new development

in the new campaign, itsuki proposes to apportion shiniki city from japan and instill new values. this confounds the population and sends them into disarray - the tower that they have created is crumbling, in similar likeness to the parable of babel.

SO TL;DR this show has a really cool starting concept i cant lie????? i for one am not shitting on its supernatural elements (even though the flow was a little inorganic) in hindsight there’s no point in expecting a show called babylon not to delve into supernatural/biblical elements lol :)))

as a right hoe for imagery and philosophy/ethics, this gave me high hopes but the execution of everything else was way below average. why bring in a discussion about suicide that’s poorly researched + try to be edgy abt it and have the citizens to have support it so easily???? ruins the immersion so much

if the anime really wanted to focus on philosophy there should be some mention of ethical theory to justify his point. like, being aimlessly philosophical only ends up being flowery and pseudo-bullshit lmao. one of hte reasons why i was so frustrated with magase and zen’s discussion in the interrogation room. like woman what was your fucking point. its only wasting screentime if you don’t get anything from the conversation. the philosophy was so fucking unnecessary - babylon could have been executed as an in-depth political/psychological anime instead. WITHOUT THE SUICIDE.

this and the lack of good characters really bummed me out. i think that the show was expecting me to connect to some of the characters before they were fucking killed off but i didn’t end up giving a single shit about any of them so. :) the whole show feels more about the shock factor and gore than about interesting plot.

concept 10/10, execution 1/10

#DAMN i had more to say apparently #babylon anime #babylon meta #babylon symbolism #babylon #im honestly tempted to write more about the interrogation scene #this post is more fair at least #i am biased but at least i appreciate the biblical imagery #haha #:))#babylon anime meta

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sugar--pie · 6 years ago

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Originally when I found out about the DW thing regarding this new season, and sooner came to discover the tweets from Barlee. I became really upset. I’m still upset.

Keith and Lance and their dynamic, has been one of the best things I loved about Voltron. But I know for a fact it was initially meant t happen. There’s way too much proof, even in season 7. Even if others didn’t see it.

So finding out that it might’ve just been tossed away because DreamWorks didn’t want it... or didn’t give permission... really hit hard.

But as I lay here, with my pillow being soaked with tears... I thought about Barlees tweets again.

Being fair, they couldn’t say all that much, so it’s very much obscure towards what it could mean. But I ... might be able to give some hope towards this. Even if I could be wrong.

First off, Barlee acknowledges that the situation isn’t good and that we have a right to be upset. And from OUR POINT OF VIEW it doesn’t look good. But there is more to the story.

Now I feel like some people are maybe taking her words of “they’re allowed to feel upset by the end result...” a little out of context.

I will dive more into this in a second, but I just want to quickly point out Barlee is being very clear in that the people who also work on Voltron, do care about proper rep and did want what was best for us.

This is where the idea of being Queerbaited came from. Overall Marketing and Netflix had minds of their own, and that’s where the “official videos being tagged Klance” and the obscure tweets by Netflix originally came into play, when they weren’t meant to. This is where the posters Netflix(?) made of Shiro with Adam behind him, and the Keith poster with Lance being behind him, came into action. They only watched the show like the rest of us, so assumed that was the direction as well. They probably had minimal insight into what’s going on, so If any queerbait was involved it was ultametly just the marketing team. Not the show runners themselves who didn’t have any say in what gets shown, tagged or previewed.

Now getting back into this, and why “they’re allowed to be upset with the final result” stands out to me.

A lot of people are saying that “patching up” the “incomplete story” is referring to making Allura and Lance endgame. Lance was promised one, so that’s what their doing. But in all honesty that doesn’t line up for me.

DreamWorks is believed to have not been allowing the team to go through with their original rep and storyline in the first place. It’s rumoured that Shadam and Klance were fought for, but were never allowed... until a certain point, that as Barlee says here, she didn’t even know about until right before the sdcc premier.

This here implies, that they were given permission for rep at some point in time, and not everyone who worked on Voltron were given this insight.

Now this could easily just be making Shiro the only rep, but when you consider them “patching up” after finally being allowed to put in rep, implies they are still fixing up a lot to include the rep, but what else would they need to patch up, if Shiro and Adam had nothing happen, nor did Shiro point out there’s more to him then we saw. That’s why so much changed easily just by allowing the rep to happen. That’s probably why Shiro was thrown in so quickly to being gay rep, and why there wasn’t any Adam and Shiro except a new recording.

I would like to remind you all, that there was another few recordings done for Shiro and Adam, and I believe an actual scene that was suppose to happen. (Don’t take my word for it). So they may have had scenes and audio ready, it maybe never got a chance to use them as they had to change things.

This is where the whole improvisation comes in. They had to improvise to make Shiro as gay. It’s not what we wanted nor was hyped up to be. They just fit it in cause they were only allowed to recently.

Coming back to this tweet. Barlee says that because of the improvisation, much of the rest of the creators didnt get to do everything THE WAY they planned. This is where I think Klance might still be happening.

“They did what they could to patch it up.”

Barlee never once in any of the tweets implies that they are pulling through with Allura being Lance’s endgame just cause it was promised he’d get one.

The Voltron showrunners were given permission for the rep. It may not be how it was originally planned, so that’s what they’re patching up.

That’s why this season doesnt make sense in terms of all the Keith and Lance interactions that demonstrated them being exactly what they were meant to be, a good team, and most importantly, together. There was more scenes of Keith and Lance, (and even one or two scenes heavily implying Lance where he is feeling something towards Keith), compared to the one or two Allura and Lance scenes implying a romance between them.

“They didn’t get to do everything the way THEY PLANNED.” Implying they’re still doing everything they originally wanted... but not in the way that they saw was more fitting. Combine this with the fact they were given permission for rep... I don’t think Shiro is the only rep allowed. Also combine that with the Keith and Lance heavily implied development this season ... both original planned reps were probably given...

Bro. I’ve stopped crying.

“I think they tried to patch it up as best they could once they were allowed to.”

This. Tweet. Right here. No where does it sound like Barlee is implying Lance isn’t getting an endgame with Keith. This is starting to look more like :

“Originally, what was planned was Keith and Lance from season 1-3. However it wasn’t allowed after that and they had to improvise. Eventually rep was allowed, and now they had to not only improvize but patch up anything to try and make sense of it again.”

I’d also like to include that Seaosn 8 isn’t finished yet, most likely BECAUSE they have to “patch things up.”

It isn’t going to feel satisfying because everything is so rushed, since they only got the okay to do it now. It’s not being made the way it was originally planned. So yes, Keith and Lance are still most likely going to happen. But it won’t be the way they originally wanted for the show or for us. That’s why everything is so quick and bumpy, and why Acxa (a side character who all of a sudden is brought in) and Allura (someone who just had their heart horrifically broken) are probably being implied as Romantic towards the two, Keith and Lance respectively.

I wouldn’t be surprised in Seaosn 8 if they pulled the lame use of Jealousy or pining to bring Keith and Lance together. It initially was meant to be slowburn — These two coming together throughout the story. But they had to, again, IMPROVISE.

Allura and Acxa are mostly likely a part of this “patching up” situation. And the ending won’t be satisfying because not only will these two probably be thrown somewhat under the bus... (hopefully respectfully), they will also make Allura realize feelings for Lance and him coming to realize, no, you’re not the one for me. They’ll also probably use Acxa as a segue to make Lance maybe jealous? Or realize his feelings as he assumes something is happening between her and Keith.

I of course do not like this sort of scenario at all. But that’s the only logical way I can see Acxa being brought into this and being implied to have a crush on Keith, and Allura suddenly has feelings for Lance. If they just wanted to have Lance end up with someone cause it was promised, they would’ve left Acxa out. Keith wasn’t promised an endgame. Throwing her in wouldn’t make sense, unless it was for this purpose.

“It won’t be satisfying to a lot of ppl, and I certainly do not fault them for that.if they had gotten to do what was originally planned, people would feel better about the season.”

So many people were disappointed that not only Lance and Allura being implied to be getting together even after Allura’s heartbreak (besides some of the actual shippers which, y’know, ship them), but also Acxa and Keith out of nowhere, on top of Adam dying without seeing Shiro. This isnt what was suppose to happen. But again, they’re patching up what they can.

—-

“...they’re allowed to feel upset by the end result...”

I’m bringing this back down, to tie all of this together. From everything I’ve gathered. Klance... is still pretty much happening. Or at least, 95% happening as this is sheer speculation on my part.

But to sum up, the showrunners wanted an actual LGBT based plot line, following Keith and Lance. That was initially the slowburn. And it still somewhat counts as slowburn, since they’ve kept the previous development and brought in more interactions and development for them, including the subtleties within Season 4, and end of Season 6 - more than I originally expected to see compared to Allura and Lance. It will feel rushed, but they had to improvise and patchup what they could because they only got permission to go through with it recently, and everything they wanted originally isn’t being done they way they planned.

Allura and Acxa may get thrown under the bus next season, but hopefully it’s not a disservice to their characters. And in terms of Adam and Shiro, people have a right to be upset about it. Ultametly, fans were queerbaited, but not by showrunners, they were baited by the marketing team who exploited not only the LGBT, but also the largest portion of the fandom, the Klance ship.

BUT THAT WAS NOT THE SHOWRUNNERS FAULT. They cared about Rep and they’ve always been advocates. They couldn’t give what they wanted from the beginning because they didn’t have a choice. And now they have permission, and have to do what they can to work back to what they originally planned in a short amount of time, and try to make sense do things again, even though it’ll be rushed and won’t be as satisfying as it should’ve been.

And they know we have a right to be upset with an unsatifying result. Even if it ends with Klance.

So. Did I manage to somehow restore faith for myself? Oh yes. But knowing the posts I make, this will get like 2 notes. But please! BOOST THIS. I think people need to think of this a little better.

And once again be patient. Patience yields focus.

Edit: So I have discovered that these did not refer to Klance. I admit I even took these out of context, HOWEVAH! I still made a post, and gUYS I HAD AN EPIPHANY TODAY AND I REALLY THINK YOU ALL NEED TO READ IT! Please!!! Because, even if it does not happen on canon, which seems like it might not, even though please consider reading!

Keith and Lance have had major roles in each other arcs, even if they weren’t romantic ones! But they have definitely grown into best friends at least, and that’s still a beautiful, beautiful thing! And they’ll be by eachothers sides even after the series ends.

Because that’s what Klance is. Keith and Lance, back to back.

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