#EVEN THOUGH pride literally happens there?? which is two weeks from now??

[canadianlucifer]

WHY DOES ALL THE COOL STUFF HAVE TO HAPPEN IN AMERICA WHY CAN'T I HAVE THE FUNDS TO FLY AT LEAST 5 TIMES ROUND TRIP EVERY YEAR 😭😭😭

[samkerrworshipper]

underneath the surface

umm so i’m back.. kind of? this fic was a rollercoaster but i hold it very near and dear to my heart. i hope you all enjoy it and find some comfort in it because i definitely do <3

warnings: no warnings just some medical jargon and talks of endometriosis!

Alexia has always been credited for her attentiveness.

Most people say that it’s the reason she’s such a good captain, and of course, she denies to everybody that she just goofs around less than some of her teammates.

But, inevitably, it’s true, Alexia is a lot more attentive than other people. She pays attention to the small things, the under the surface things, things that most people wouldn’t bat an eyelid at.

Although, in her opinion, she doesn’t need to be observant nor attentive to be curious about this one part of your relationship.

It doesn’t take brilliant observation skills to recognise a pattern, from the age of two most people are able to recognise patterns. For a two year old, it’s colours and shapes and different farm animals. For Alexia it’s become an observation.

It’s routine, a pattern, a constant repeat in your relationship that for the first few months she ignored.

Like a broken record constantly repeating itself, every month, without fail, you disappeared for a couple of nights.

Not literally, for those days you’ll retreat of the pitch and inside to the gym but Alexia still sees you everyday, and for the most part, you’ll still go out for coffee with her and go on walks together, but for at least three nights, sometimes up to 7, there are no sleepovers, no late night movie binges, no dinners.

It went unnoticed by Alexia for longer than normal, love was Alexia’s biggest weakness and it subtly impaired her abilities to be as observant as she prided herself.

Who could blame her? It was hard to be detail oriented when she was too busy enjoying the puppy dog love that came from realising that she was so in love with her life with you, even if it was still relatively new.

But, even with her focus partially impaired, it didn’t take a whole lot of skills to recognise the abnormality of what was occurring.

It was particularly abnormal, because for every other day of the month, you spent your nights at Alexia’s. Alexia would even go as far to say that you're pretty much moved into her apartment. Your dog had a bed in her apartment, your training kit and bag had a permanent spot at her door, most of your clothes were now sitting next to Alexia’s in her wardrobe.

Your apartment, for the most part, existed purely for the sake of storing all of your furniture. Alexia had brought up leasing it, you’d been dating for almost a year now and whilst it was a short time to move in with each other, the two of you spent so much time together that to her it made the most sense. Beyond that, it was her way of testing the water, to see if her observation was as real as she began to think it was.

Your immediate denial of the idea confirmed what she had been beginning to think.

Originally, she’d thought that maybe you were overwhelmed from constantly being around Alexia, it was a lot being at training together all day and then heading home to each other.

It didn't make sense though.

When you were together, you were attached at the hip. You were both naturally clingy towards each other and after questioning Mapi about it, as ambiguously as she could, she was backed up in that it wasn’t normal behaviour for an overwhelmed person to be so eager to be so connected.

So, the theory was canned and when the following month the same thing happened, Alexia’s curiosity peaked once again.

She moved onto a theory that maybe it was some kind of homesickness, that you just needed to sleep in your own bed a couple of nights every month.

But not only did you constantly complain about your own apartment and how unhomey it felt in comparison to Alexia’s, it was always the same week every month.

Which should have been the biggest clue, and yet for whatever reason it had completely slipped past Alexia.

It was only when one of the team doctors had approached Alexia about her cycle changing, that it all clicked for her.

Alexia’s period had skipped, and they’d logged it a couple of months ago. Obviously, without noticing, it had been because the two of you had synched up, which made plenty of sense.

Alexia’s period was an inconvenience, but it wasn’t a true bother, just something she had to put up with. In all honesties though, for her, her period was nothing to her, she had hardly any symptoms, her body functioned the exact same way, everything was almost the exact same.

Yet, every month, when apparently your period came around, you happened to disappear for a couple of days. Alexia would have loved to think it was a coincidence, but with her new knowledge, she decided to put it to test.

She wasn’t surprised, when the following month her own period came, a couple of days later you were back to hiding out at your place for a couple of nights.

Like lightwork, when you came back to Alexia, you were the exact same, like nothing had happened, and yet Alexia was certain that there was something being hidden underneath the surface.

A lot of people were insecure about their period, Alexia had grown up in a house full of girls, her period had been anything but stigmatised, and she was grateful for that.

She was self aware enough though to know that not everybody was fortunate enough to have that same experience. She was also aware that unfortunately, sometimes peoples partners could be unaccepting and close minded about those kinds of things.

So, when the following month, Alexia got her period and without fail, four days later you mentioned that you would drive yourself to training so that you could head back to your apartment afterwards, Alexia was already plotting away.

She had time to think about it during video review that day, there wasn’t a lot to focus on then when the team was coming off of a 4-0 win to Atletico and anything that was of importance, aAlexia had already noted when she’d watched the immediately after the game.

It was a sound plan in her mind, chocolate, a heat pack, your favourite italian takeaway, Alexia’s favourite hoodie that you always tried to steal and your favourite blanket from her apartment.

Alexia wanted you to know that you could be just as comfortable in her home, regardless of what was happening. Hopefully, in knowing that, you’d let go of the part of you that was so clearly avoiding Alexia.

Alexia, above being observant, liked to be a problem solver. She liked to take initiative, she liked to fix things.

So, after a shower and a quick snack when she’d returned home, she packed up all of the supplies. On the way to your apartment, which she hadn’t visited in months, she picked up food and then was on her way.

In the early months of your relationship, it had just been easier for the two of you to spend time at Alexia’s because it was closer to the training grounds and more lived in.

Whilst you’d been living in Barcelona now for nearly three years, your home was still in England, and it had been hard for you to fully settle into Barcelona even if it was your home for now.

Alexia knew it, so she’d welcomed you into her home with open arms. It had been heartwarming for her to slowly watch you integrate yourself into Alexia’s life, it made her happier then anything else.

So, she made her mind up that whatever this bump was, she was going to help you get over it, so that she could have all of you, and most importantly so you would feel like Alexia cared.

The feeling that Alexia got as she pulled up next to your car in the lot of your apartment was chilling, in her gut it felt like something was wrong. It was a feeling that set into Alexia's stomach as she stepped out of her car and hurried to collect her things before making her way over to the elevator.

Alexia stays as composed as she can manage, even though on the inside, the worry is starting to set in.

It’s not like theoretically she has anything to worry about, it’s not like this is an abnormal situation, but the weird feeling in Alexia’s stomach is putting her off and the only thing that she can think will make it better is seeing your face.

All Alexia wants to do is wrap you up in her arms for a moment, for her own peace of mind, to stop the off feeling that has been resonating inside of her as she’s tried to get to the bottom of this problem, that’s not really a problem. It’s an inconsistency, and one thing about Alexia is that she doesn’t like inconsistency. She fixes problems, she doesn’t enjoy living life whilst there is something that isn’t quite right, and she needs to make this right.

Alexia knocks at your door quietly, two little raps that she hopes you hear.

When she receives nothing in response, she knocks again, this time a little bit louder.

Alexia waits a few seconds, whilst it’s been a couple of hours since your session there is the off chance that you're in the shower or bath.

After quite a bit of waiting with no noises from the other side of the door, Alexia knocks once more, already pulling her keychain from her pocket and feeling for the spare key to your apartment.

When she finds it, she pulls it up to the lock, waiting just a few more seconds before slotting it into the keyhole and twisting it until it clicks.

The first thing Alexia notices is that your apartment is completely pitch black and if it weren’t for the fact that she saw your car earlier, she might have just left.

Alexia tiptoes her way through the entryway and into your kitchen, it’s hard to see much with all of the blinds pulled shut and none of the lights on, so she blindly feels around for the light switch until she finally finds it and flicks it.

The immediate groan that comes from the direction of your couch definitely does not go unnoticed by Alexia.

“Lights off.”

As fast as she can, Alexia turns the light back off, before curiously tiptoeing over to the edge of your couch.

You’re a lump under a pile of blankets, but she’s able to make out the shape of your body underneath it.

“Hey baby.”

You groan again, and the feeling in Alexia’s stomach only gets worse.

Alexia takes a few steps forwards, assessing you in front of her.

Her hand reaches out tentatively for you, she feels around the mass of blankets until she feels a part of your body underneath the pile of fluff, she follows the lump until she makes her way up to your head.

Your whole body is warm, or the blankets are warm, she isn’t actually quite sure where the blankets end and your body starts.

“Why are you here?”

Your voice is all croaky, and Alexia is certain you must be sick and she’s somehow missed all the symptoms of it.

“I wanted to spend the night with you.”

Alexia’s hand finally finds a bit of skin on your neck and she traces her fingers until she finds your jawline.

“Go home, Ale.”

The sound of your voice is making Alexia antsy, she can’t believe she’s missed the fact that you are sick.

“No, bebita, you’re sick and I’m here to look after you. I have your favourite food and chocolate, we can cuddle up in bed and you can sleep this off. I brought my hoodie for you.”

Alexia turns your head up, so your hair is peaking out of the blanket mound and she can see your squinted eyes.

“I’m not sick, Alexia.”

You keep your eyes crammed shut for the sake of not making the pounding headache you have any worse.

“Bebita, you’re all hot and croaky, it’s okay to be sick, I’m here to look after you.”

If you weren’t working so hard to keep your eyes closed you’d roll them, but that seems like far too much work for right now.

“Alexia I’m not sick, I’m just on my period.”

Alexia’s brow furrows, if your eyes weren’t closed you’d catch it. It’s the same furrow that always happens when Alexia thinks somebody else is wrong and she’s right.

“Bebita, this seems like a little bit more than a period. It’s okay, I’m here.”

You groan and Alexia recoils slightly.

“It’s just my period.”

Your deadpan makes Alexia confused.

“Your period shouldn’t be this bad. Are you having some heatstroke? It’s been warm out today, or are you having a migraine? You need to remember to hydrate.”

Your head is throbbing and Alexia’s theories aren’t helping.

“I have endometriosis Alexia, this is what my period looks like.It’s not fucking heatstroke or a sickness it’s just how my body is..”

Out of everything Alexia had been suspecting, that wasn’t it.

It suddenly dawns on Alexia that she can’t fix what you’ve just told her, she’s standing in front of you completely dumbfounded at what to do in this moment.

Alexia is a problem solver, she finds solutions for the biggest and smallest problems, and yet she doesn’t have a solution for the problem she is being faced with.

“Baby, just go home, the first night for me is always the worst, if I feel better I can hang out with you tomorrow.”

Alexia doesn’t have a solution to the pain you are going through, but she knows she isn’t going to let you suffer alone. The information that you’ve been doing this by yourself for a year now is making Alexia feel like the worst girlfriend ever and she’s going to change that.

“No, bebita, no. I’m staying here tonight, I’m here for you mi vida. Would it make you feel better if we got you into bed or into a bath? What’s going to make you more comfortable? Have you had medication? How about some food?”

When another groan leaves your lips, Alexia becomes aware that she’s approaching this the wrong way.

“How about I go and put the food in your kitchen and you decide what’s going to make you feel best. I’m here for whatever you need, okay?”

Alexia quietly tiptoes back into your kitchen, taking her time to put her things away and pulling two bottles of water from your fridge before making her way back into your living room.

You’ve emerged from your pile by the time she is back, your eyes are still closed but just seeing your face makes Alexia’s nerves settle just a little bit.

“Can we go to my bed, please?”

Alexia smiles at you softly.

“Of course amor, do you want me to carry you or do you think you can walk?”

The apprehension on your face is enough of a answer for Alexia.

She walks over towards you, picking up your blanket fort and body like it’s nothing and gently lifting you up, stepping carefully in the direction of your bedroom.

You groan out at the change of position, nothing feels good at the moment but Alexia’s arms are more comforting than the scratchy material of your couch cushions.

When she makes it to your bed, she lowers you down like you are the most delicate piece of glass, making sure that you’re tucked underneath the sheets before easing you out of your arms.

“Do you need anything? Heat pack? Water? Talk?”

Again, all Alexia’s words do is make the itching pain all over your body ten times worse, it’s all consuming and makes you feel choked.

“Bed, hugs, that’s all I want.”

Alexia is antsy, she wants to make the pain you are in better, she wants to know what to do right now instead of being completely blind in the situation.

“Are you sure? How about some pain relief or a cold compress?”

Alexia is no doctor, and up until five minutes ago she had absolutely no idea about this whole situation and whether she feels like she can admit it or not she’s terrified about it all.

She’s made up her mind that as soon as you're asleep she’s going to go on a deep dive of google searches to get to the bottom of this whole situation, but that will have to wait.

“Alexia, if you want to be here, just get into bed and give me some fucking hugs. I’m not in the mood to be told what to do with my body when I’ve been dealing with this for years, make up your mind of whether you want to be here or not.”

Alexia avoids conflict with you at all costs, she’s earned the title around your football friends of being your puppy dog, because she simply agrees to anything and everything that leaves your lips, and hearing you remotely mad at her makes her crumble.

“Sorry bebita, I’m so sorry, you’re right. I’m here for whatever you need.”

Alexia makes quick work of slipping her shoes off, something she never got around to in the darkness of your entryway.

She follows by taking her socks and outer layers off, stripping down until she’s in her tank top and a pair of old Barcelona training shorts.

Once she’s done she creeps around to the other side of your bed, slipping underneath the covers as subtly as she can manage.

When she’s completely covered, she lies back, unsure of how to approach all of this new information.

“You’re lying like a rigid corpse.”

Alexia gulps, she can see you in her peripherals, you look absolutely exhausted and in the kindest way possible, ten years older with the amount of wrinkles across your skin, bumps and ridges she can only imagine are the tightness holding in all of the struggle that you’re going through underneath the surface.

“Alexia, I’m okay, I’m not dying.”

Alexia knows theoretically that is true, she doesn’t have endometriosis and she’s not close to anybody who does, but she knows what it is. She knows it’s not cancer or something life-threatening, but the depth of the realisation that you’ve been suffering for so long and have kept it from Alexia is slowly pulling her apart at the seams.

You roll over slightly, it causes shocks of pain to go up and down your back and stomach, but you need the comfort as much as Alexia does, even if she isn’t ready to accept it.

She’s going through her process, compartmentalising all of it so she can be the brave and stoic face she always is.

You’re used to it, and you’ve come to realise that even though in these kinds of situations it seems like Alexia needs to be left alone, in reality she needs to be kept close by her nearest and dearest.

So, you worm your way on top of her body, it makes the cramps ten times worse and the nausea takes control of your stomach, forcing somersault after somersault, but when Alexia’s arms reach around you out of instinct it’s worth it.

You’re in pain, your uterus feels like it’s got knives embedded along the lining of it, like there are needles poking in and out of your back and gunshots being fired across your lower abdomen. But you’re well used to it, you’re used to the feeling of needing to throw up from having such intense throbbing pain across your whole core.

You’re used to the pounding headaches and migraines that come naturally from your body being so inflamed and agitated that all the tension eventually spreads to every single inch of your body, from the tips of your fingers to the edges of your toes.

Your head settles on Alexia’s shoulder, and her hand snakes it’s way down to the outside of your thigh, she’s being more cautious than she’s ever been with you and the normal you would probably be heartwarmed by her sweetness but the part of you that is currently seeing the worst kind of stars because of the cramps coursing through your body is just desperate to climb into her bones now that she is here with you.

It’s been ingrained in you since you were a kid that it was best to not bother other people with your weakness, it was your own struggle, your own burden.

You’d kept it from Alexia for this sole purpose, for the purpose that you knew she would take it all on as her problem, that she would try and fix it all and spend all of her time and energy trying to solve it all when you just wanted her to treat you the exact same.

She treated you like a princess everyday, but add a crippling reproductive condition and you knew she’d treat you like a priceless artefact. You were grateful you had a person in your life who would move heaven and earth in such a way for you but it was suffocating sometimes, when you were functioning on a normal level.

It was with those thoughts running rampant in your head that you slipped off into the same light sleep that you were lucky to drift into in these circumstances.

Whilst you drifted off, Alexia was left alone with her own thoughts.

Insecurity wasn’t something Alexia experienced often, she was secure in her body, she is as secure in her football as she has been since her knee injury, she’s secure in her family and up until today she felt completely secure in her relationship.

Now, she doesn’t know how she feels.

She knows that it’s likely you have a good reason to have kept this a secret, or a reason that you’ve justified to yourself. She knows underneath it all, you’re the one who’s secretly been hiding a big insecurity from her and she has no right to be truly mad about it, she’s disappointed that you haven’t felt able to share this with her when it feels like Alexia has bared all of her deepest, boniest secrets with you.

She does what makes sense, she reaches for her phone from her short pocket and begins to google all of the big questions that are swirling around in her mind.

You might have wanted to keep this a secret from Alexia but now that she knows about it she’d be a bad girlfriend if she didn’t educate herself on this.

So, instead of drifting off to sleep, Alexia drifts off into the land of medical journals and words that she doesn’t understand the meaning of but she’s determined to figure out.

You wake up in the morning in less of a state of excruciating suffering, instead of being stuck in a fiery inferno of hell you feel like you're dancing more on the periphery.

Your body is warm, in a way that makes you feel less like your insides are scorching you from the inside and more like you're generally just hot.

It feels like a caterpillar emerging from its cocoon as you try to unroll from the blankets that you’d swaddled yourself in the night beforehand in an attempt to try and make yourself feel as small as possible in hopes it would somehow shrink down everything you were feeling.

It’s a feverish dream, and as you recall your night, blotches begin to come back to you and the memory of your girlfriend appearing somewhere along the way makes the dull cramps across the front of your stomach beat in a way that makes you uncomfortably uneasy all over again.

As you assess your surroundings and open your eyes for what feels like the first time in months, you notice that Alexia is no longer in bed with you.

It’s all extremely faint in your head and there is an off chance you’ve dreamt it all up, but the very faint smell of coffee drifting through the air and folded up clothes sitting on the dresser on the wall across from your bed.

You’re feeling less deathly than last night, so you wager your chances with slowly sitting up in your bed, when you don’t feel any different you begin to lift your legs up.

Your muscles ache in the same way they do every time your period comes around, they tweak and they constrict like you’re an eighty year old instead of a twenty something.

It’s rough, it’s uncomfortable and it’s painful but it’s life.

It’s your life, it’s your burden, it’s your problem and knowing that Alexia is now a part of it all makes you queasy in a completely different way.

Your heavy on your feet as you stand up and begin to creep towards the door of your bedroom, with every step every one of your toes grinds against the floorboards. Your heel digs in, your ankles crunch, your body moves in a way that mirrors the way that you are crumbling from within. On these kinds of days, weeks and months, everything hurts. Everything is an effort.

Once you make it to your open door, you steady yourself against it, your nerves are working against you, everything inside of you is actively trying to stop you and you’ll be damned if you let it happen.

You only stand still long enough for it to be classified in your brain as a stall, not a break, not a stop. You can’t stop in times like this, if you stop then you’ll never get going again and that is a whole pit of fuckedupness that you aren’t ready to dive into.

From the door, you try your hardest to tiptoe your way through the hallway to your living space, but it’s impossible in your body.

As you inch closer, the sound of Alexia only becomes more apparent and obvious, and as you creep closer the agitation across your body only gets worse.

As you reach the archway between your hallway and living space, the sight in front of you makes your heart throb and your uterus ache even worse then it already is.

Alexia is swaying in your kitchen, apparently to whatever music she has playing in her head. There is coffee on the counter, accompanied by two bottles of juice and water, like she couldn’t decide what would be best. To accompany the extra drinks is toast, eggs, bacon and pancakes on the stove.

It’s too much.

With the combination of hormones in your bloodstream you’re honestly impressed that you don’t burst into tears.

Alexia’s still here.

Alexia, sweet, loyal Alexia.

You’ve been conditioned to keep all of this a secret, that during this week it’s best to keep yourself and everything you’re going through hidden, for the best of yourself and for everyone around you. Yet, here Alexia is doing way too much for you.

You’re downward spiralling when her voice breaks you out.

“Hey bebe.”

Her voice is close to a coo, the same voice she uses with Irene’s son. You don’t let it affect you in the moment, but you’ll think about the tactic of it later.

“I have food for you, and coffee if you want it, but google told me that sometimes that’s not always good for endometriosis. So I got juice as well, because google also said it might help with inflammation.”

The thought behind it is extremely sweet, and you feel slightly overwhelmed by all of the options.

“You didn’t need to do that for me.”

Alexia frowns, it’s slight and hardly noticeable, but the little wrinkle between her eyebrows is an immediate tell.

“I wanted to, I want to help you, however I can.”

The sentiment behind her words is lost in the sudden shock that you experience as her words settle in, you’ve never met a single person, besides a doctor whose job it was to help you, that gave a shit about this.

When you have no words, Alexia finds some for you.

“I want to talk to you about this, I want to know about it, I want to help you. We’re partners, we do everything together, and I want to do this with you. I don’t want you to lock me out and I don’t want you suffering alone. I’m here for this, I’m here for you to lean on.”

You nod your head, her words feel like a drug, like it’s lifting away some of the pain you’re going through.

“I’m serious, this isn’t something you can hide from me. You looked after me when I hurt my knee and I am here to look after you in the same way when you’re in pain. Bebita?”

Alexia’s hand falls to your side, caressing your hip gently.

“I’m not used to people knowing about this, and I’m even more not used to people caring, I’m sorry, it’s just a lot to process.”

Alexia’s face softens, and before you can say any other stupid mumbles, she pulls you from the hip into her body. Her arms are warm, and yet oddly they soothe your prickly skin.

You melt into Alexia, you feel like shit but she makes you feel marginally better.

“Coffee, or juice?”

You stifle a giggle that falls from your lips.

“Juice, please.”

Alexia relaxes her arms, taking a step back.

“Can I get you any pain relief, or a new heat pack? Is your headache better?”

Alexia looks at you with so much genuine care that it’s hard to not feel embarrassed.

“Pain relief doesn’t sit well in my stomach on a good day. I save heat packs for when the cramps are really bad or else they don’t have the same effect. My headaches normally are at the end of the day as a result of tension build up during the day.”

Alexia looks as if she’s taking mental note of everything you’ve just told her, for later.

“How about some food, hmm?”

You want to say yes, because Alexia’s clearly gone to so much effort for you, but you know that if you eat this early and then train your stomach contents is going to end up on a pitch or somewhere inconvenient.

“My stomach won’t keep it if we train later, I’m better to eat afterwards.”

Alexia’s brow furrows once again.

“I called the doctor and Pere this morning, we’re both taking today off.”

Everything warm and good about the moment fades, and suddenly all you feel is confusion.

“Why did you do that?”

Alexia steps away from you and retreats into your kitchen, grabbing a glass for you and picking up the bottle of juice that she knows you prefer.

“Because I thought you were dying last night, and you can’t tell me that all of that has just disappeared this morning. You’re struggling and you don’t need to push through pain to prove that you are worthy or good enough. You’re self worth shouldn’t be dictated by you proving to yourself that you can work through a chronic disease. I’m sorry that I didn't notice earlier and that I wasn't there for you earlier but I'm here to advocate for you now.”

You want to tell Alexia that you don’t need an advocate, you can advocate just fine for yourself. But a part of you knows that she doesn’t want to hear it and that part of you is also the part that is crippling from the inside and simply doesn’t have the energy to argue with your girlfriend.

“I train just fine normally.”

Alexia can’t argue that, even though you spend the time in the gym, she’s never heard of anything out of the ordinary occurring.

“But you don’t have to. In fact when I talked to our doctor she told me that she’d been insisting on you being more cautious of your cycle and spending more time resting during it considering your history.”

You roll your eyes, taking the glass of juice Alexia offers you.

Alexia plates up a breakfast that could feed a family of four, but it makes you feel less bad for not eating any of it.

“It’s my body, I know my limits.”

You focus on your glass of juice and not the face Alexia makes at you.

“You know how to continuously meet and exceed your limits, but what about just leaving them and giving yourself some peace. I know nothing about what you are going through, I can only sympathise. But I know this must be incredibly hard and I know you definitely do not give yourself enough grace and definitely don’t care for your needs enough. I’m here for you to confide in, I’ve done my research, I’m prepared to help however you need.”

It’s endearing how clearly prepared Alexia has made herself.

“You’ve done your research, hmm?”

Alexia nods proudly.

“Lots of it. Like about how orgasms can help with cramps.”

She looks like she’s going to say more, but you splutter your juice straight back into your cup, causing her to stop.

Alexia’s always been more open with her sexuality then you are, it’s culturally more acceptable in Spain but she also grew up with it being slightly more normalised.

“Alexia.”

Her grin is broad, like she’s proud that she’s managed to embarrass you.

“It’s true! Although for some people endometriosis can cause pain whilst having sex, so if you’re one of those people then it may not work but if you want to try I’m happy to help, fingers, toys, everything but mouths is on the table.”

Your blush only gets more cemented.

“I’m okay for right now, the thought of any kind of intimacy makes my fallopian tubes ache.”

Alexia nods her head, you are certain that sometime in the future this topic will arise again. Alexia’s rabbit-like sex drive makes it hard to not involve sex in everything you do together.

“Can I ask what your symptoms normally look like?”

Alexia’s lip is caught between her teeth, it’s the first time she’s looked nervous this entire conversation.

“Of course. Normally for me, I get bad pelvic pain which never really goes away, sweats, fever sometimes, cramps everywhere, i bloat, i get quite nauseous and occasionally it can make me moody. Furthermore, it can cause me to have migraines, some joint pain, insomnia, there are other things but those are the main ones. Overall it just makes me drained, i’m more fatigued but I can’t sleep, it makes me feel pretty lifeless.”

Alexia nods, she listens to every single word with so much attention.

“I always assumed the scars on your stomach were from getting your appendix removed, but I’m assuming now it’s a laparoscopy?”

You’re impressed by the level of detail Alexia has gone to for you.

“I have had my appendix removed but also yes, I’ve had two laparoscopy’s and I’m putting off getting my third done.”

Alexia nods.

“Do they make it better?”

You bite your lip before nodding.

“It’s never perfect, but for a bit it definitely makes my symptoms better. I’m putting off getting my next one because the last time I did it put me out of action for two months and it took me a while to get back to where I was. My body is different, it changes you. Before you ask, I’ve tried birth control, I’ve tried IUD’s, I’ve tried other forms of contraception, they all made it impossible for me to play football.”

Alexia shakes her head.

“I wasn’t going to ask you that, it’s your decision what you do and don’t put in your body, and I’m sure you’re just making whatever decisions work best for you.”

It’s refreshing having somebody not question what you do and don’t do for yourself.

“That means a lot to me.”

Alexia puts down her cutlery, her food somehow disappearing into her stomach.

“It’s just what love is, and I’m here to love you for forever, if you’ll let me.”

You’ve put off crying, you’ve tried your very best, but it’s not possible anymore.

The tears fall freely, and before you know it Alexia has pulled you into her lap.

It hurts, everything hurts, and yet everything feels so much better knowing you’re in her arms.

“I’ve got you bebita, I’m here now, I’m here to help you work this all out.”

——————————————————————

whelp that’s done! thoughts, feedback and general opinions would be appreciated! i’m so happy to have made something for yall and it’s rushed and super unedited and definitely not my favorite work but i hope you enjoy it all the same 🫶

[kissedsuns]

chasing cars.

cw: angst, mentions of logan sargeant being dropped, established rel w/ oscar piastri & more

this wasn't how things were supposed to go—not for you, anyway.

your first win was meant to be sensational, a moment of pure euphoria. the kind where you leap out of your car, proud, standing on top of the cockpit with your fist raised high, showing the world and your team what you'd accomplished. it should've felt like you were on top of the world.

but it didn't. not for you, anyway.

a few nights before, you were cozied up in bed, lazily reaching for your phone on the bedside table. the screen lit up, and you squinted, shielding your eyes from the sudden glare. you opened instagram, expecting to see plenty of media about the upcoming race in monza—a track you'd been looking forward to racing at for awhile.

it was also a track your close friend, logan, was excited about. you and he practically grew up together, alongside oscar, who you shared an even closer bond with—so close that you found yourself sleeping in one of his baggy tees.

but that morning, your feed showed something you weren't exactly expected: an image on formula 1's instagram page, boldly announcing that logan sargeant would be dropped from williams midway through the season.

your jaw literally dropped as you stared at the post—a sad picture of logan at the center, remaining on your screen for what felt like an eternity.

you didn't know what to do. should you message him? call him? but then you wondered, why hadn't he called you?

logan told you everything, no matter how gross or disturbing. so why not this?

taking a deep breath, you decided to message him, sending a simple greeting before jumping straight into it, asking if he was okay and what was going on.

to which you received no response.

you felt sick to your stomach for the rest of the morning. and when you finally arrived at the paddock in monza later that week, it became increasingly harder to shake the discomfort.

logan hadn't spoken to you in days, and though it hurt, you understood. why would he want to talk to anyone after what happened?

he'd been axed halfway through the season, his dreams of becoming a successful formula 1 driver were pretty much over. meanwhile, here you were, thriving in a team that adored you.

mercedes was a great environment, and the support from your teammate, george russell, only made it better. but that heavy, guilty feeling gnawed at you. you felt so guilty you were almost choking on it.

as you navigated through the crowd of journalists, eager to get something out of you, you were determined to give them nothing. you had nothing to give, anyway.

you felt far too alone in the paddock, and despite george's reassuring pat on your shoulder when you arrived at the team hub, it wasn't enough.

you couldn't focus during the drivers' briefing or even pay attention to what toto was explaining to you and george—something about strategies, but you didn't hear a word.

despite achieving strong results in practice and securing p2 in qualifying, race day—a day you'd usually be excited for—was now something you just wanted to get through as quickly as possible.

a few comments were made when you arrived that day. your forced smile made it obvious that you weren't taking the news quite well.

it wasn't as if logan had died or couldn't visit the paddock to support you as a friend. but it had just become a habit to have him around.

the driver's parade usually had the two of you laughing at some of the fans in the crowd or chatting about what you did over the week. oscar, usually with lando on the other side of the truck, would eventually join you both, which you loved.

after the race, you'd often drag logan over to parc fermé, giving him a big hug and congratulating him on his effort, even if he wasn't thrilled with his performance. you'd always try to bring a smile to his face, seeing those eyes that once sparkled with pride.

but that sparkle was gone now.

as you reluctantly climbed onto the driver's truck, you stood with your back to the railing, leaning against it as you found yourself staring blankly into the crowds.

no chatter, no smiles—nothing. and everyone noticed.

a few drivers glanced your way with concern written all over their faces, which only made oscar rush over to you. "it's really hard seeing you like this," he began.

"i don't know what you're on about." you tried to brush him off.

"i know you," he said, doing something that managed to bring a tiny bit of comfort. "you don't have to pretend like you're holding up okay, because i know you're not."

oscar's words should've been enough to make you feel less isolated. that undeniable charm of his could usually turn your frown upside down. but with your best friend of seven years stripped from formula 1 and the potential of racing alongside him again gone, you couldn't find it in you to smile.

you avoided conversation for the rest of the day, your mind fixated on just getting through it so you could check your phone—hoping, maybe, logan had messaged you back. maybe even wished you good luck for the race.

settling into the seat of your car, helmet snug on your head, you waited for the race to start.

as the track cleared and the lights went out, your mind drifted back to the one thing that wouldn't leave your thoughts no matter how hard you tried to shove it away.

logan sargeant. best friend. dedicated racer. boy with a dream. hilarious. american. embarrassed. struggling. logan sargeant.

you slammed your foot on the pedal, pushing your car to its limits. the engine roared, tires screeched, and the sound of the crowd erupting in cheers as you passed max verstappen filled your ears.

but you didn't smile. you didn't even grin. you sobbed.

you sobbed because there was a boy back home in america who would never get to hear those cheers for him.

a tear slid down your cheek as you flew down the track, just wanting to see that checkered flag wave so you could go home. go home and bury your face in your pillow and cry even harder.

and that was it. the finale.

your race engineer nearly deafened you with his shouts about your win—your second career victory. but you didn't care.

"thanks, guys. great job. uh, the car was awesome! thanks so much. thanks," you tried to sound convincing as you waved to the fans in the grandstands.

at the parc fermé, where you would usually share a moment with logan, you stood alone, holding your helmet as your eyes scanned the area as if expecting to see your friend.

lando smiled and patted your back, while max gave you a firm handshake. it felt good, and you were proud of how much effort the team put in to ensure that this would happen, but in truth, you didn't care much for the trophy that awaited you.

oscar eventually came up to you, wrapping his arms tightly around your waist in a hug. he congratulated you, planting a kiss on your cheek that brought a faint smile to your lips.

you could tell that, despite oscar's calm attitude, he felt terrible for logan too. he was just better at hiding it. his tight-lipped smile and sad eyes slightly gave it away, unfortunately.

your team pulled you into a tight hug, some toppling over others as they fought to congratulate you.

this wasn't how you were supposed to feel after winning your second race in your formula 1 career. this was supposed to be special. you should've been hugging oscar and giving logan a huge cheer.

when the post-race interviews commenced, you stood by your stand, a blank expression on your face as you stared at the floor, utterly bored.

you gave short answers to the reporter, hoping he'd hurry up and let you go. the way he grimaced at your tone and choice of words showed he knew you weren't feeling it, and he eventually took the hint.

you felt bad for letting your miserable attitude affect others. the drivers' room was no different, with lando and max talking about the race and making funny noises at the screen if there was a collision.

you sat there, staring at the first-place cap in your hands. bored. you were bored.

max and lando exchanged a look before glancing at you with softened expressions. they didn't know logan well; hardly anyone on the grid did. they couldn't understand the disappointment you felt knowing you would never be able to celebrate with your best mate ever again.

finally, the podium celebration—a time to get drenched in champagne and hear your national anthem play as you proudly stand on the top step with a wide smile, watching your team gaze up at you with admiration.

but when it was time to step on that podium, the crowd cheered, the anthem played, and you smiled. but there was no logan sargeant in the crowd, beaming up at you with his own fist raised, as if to say, "i'll be up there with you soon. just wait."

the champagne was popped, and before you could process it, lando tipped the rest of his bottle onto your head.

you cringed at the cold liquid streaming down your neck and seeping into your race suit. the taste of victory should've been sweet. it should've felt amazing.

but without your best friend, could it ever feel that way?

as you left the paddock, oscar's fingers intertwined with yours, trophy in the other hand, you pulled out your phone.

your breath hitched as you saw the notification—logan sargeant.

without a second thought, you opened the message.

the screen revealed just six words, and they were enough to shatter you entirely.

"i knew you could do it."

© kissedsuns

[happy74827]

Happy Accidents

[Todd Ingram x Female!Reader]

Synopsis: You might've broken your leg due to Todd, but that didn't mean you couldn't still have quality time together.

WC: 2672

Category: Hurt/Comfort, Fluff

This was such a random plot I came up with, but I’m actually in love with it. I feel that this little one-shot is 100% Todd accurate (I say little but it’s literally 2k words lol).

Also, please don’t send the vegan police after me for my inaccuracies (lmao). Google was my only option 😭😭

『••✎••』

Spending time at the hospital wasn’t the plan you had in mind for your Friday night. You expected it with you curled up on your couch watching whatever crappy reality show that was airing with Todd by your side.

He was always the perfect person to binge with; his reactions were an endless source of sarcastic commentary. It actually made it funnier.

But you couldn't be too upset. You still had Todd, and you had… some television. Sure, it wasn’t 90 Day Fiancé, but it was better than nothing.

Usually, when it came to broken legs, you were at the hospital for two hours. Two. Hours. Not you, of course. Your boyfriend had to be a vegan and have those whacked-out powers. It was a given that there’d be an accident.

Who knew a flying amp could be so hard to catch?

At least you didn't have a concussion. The only injury was your leg, but your leg was completely messed up. Three different fractures in your femur and a torn ligament. It was the most you had ever been injured in your life, including all those times you fell off your bike or when you broke your arm in third grade.

The doctors at the hospital said that they couldn't let you leave until Monday. Surgery was also still on the table and could happen as early as tomorrow, which you definitely weren’t paying for

So, you were stuck in the hospital, eating the terrible hospital food and watching stupid television.

And the worst part about all of this was that it was slowly taking your mind off of Todd.

It was only the last couple months when the two of you started dating. Neither of you were exactly serious or anything, but you had feelings.

He was a big guy and a real sweetheart, not to mention a badass with those powers of his. It was obvious that he had a good heart, and he didn't take shit from anybody. That included you.

You had to admit that it was cute when he got jealous. He never had to worry, though. You were never interested in guys like him. You had your eye on Todd, and now you were stuck in a hospital bed because of him.

Now that it was just a memory, the moment you broke your leg was pretty comical. Envy needed a rehearsal before their band went out on tour the following week, and since you and Todd planned the night out together, you attended their quick practice.

As usual, they were awesome. You were like a little fangirl when Envy started singing. You kept your cool, though, sitting on the couch while they ran tempo and entrances. You weren't paying too much attention either, until you heard a voice and turned your head.

Lynette, the drummer, apparently had a very salty day and decided to pick fights with Envy’s ideas. She even suggested that she should learn how to write songs. That was a big no-no when it came to Envy, and it was made very clear that it would be her last comment for the day.

It was a blur, really. Envy and Lynette were throwing insults at each other, and Todd was caught in the middle of it. He was pretty bad at confrontation when it didn’t technically involve him and so he usually let it slide, but something about Lynette had pissed him off this time.

You could still remember the words he said.

"You know what I hate about you? Your hair."

You giggled, and that was your mistake. Lynette absolutely loved her hair. That haircut was her pride and joy. Todd could never understand what it was about it, but it was Lynette's favorite feature.

So, when he insulted her favorite thing in the world, she immediately started attacking your boyfriend, causing you to go over and try to stop this before it escalated.

Well, it escalated. Todd subconsciously went into “vegan mode” when he was mad. It was a defense mechanism or something like that. In any case, an accidental movement of his hand had an expensive amplifier aimed right at your leg.

Envy saw it coming and screamed his name to get his attention, but he couldn’t hear her over Lynette, and you couldn't move out of the way fast enough.

And then, everything stopped. All you felt was the excruciating pain that was apparently your broken bone, multiple places, as you later found out. Your mind went blank for a moment as all the horrified expressions of each band member turned towards you.

Todd threw the amplifier aside with his powers, profusely apologizing to you. His hair settled back down to normal as he took you in his arms.

"Oh, god, am I an idiot." He said. "I didn't mean to… oh, man, you’re okay, right?"

You were on the verge of tears when you nodded your head. The adrenaline of the moment had taken over your pain as you wrapped your arms around his neck and squeezed him tight.

Envy most definitely cursed him out on your behalf. Lynette was still pissed as she stood off to the side, crossing her arms with a huff. She didn’t really know you, so she didn’t really care that you got hurt.

But Todd knew you, and he cared a whole hell of a lot about you. He was going to be making up to you for a while. You were going to get the apology of a lifetime and probably an entire chocolate cake with strawberries. You loved strawberries.

You did not care about your injury at that moment, though. The scene of Todd apologizing to you, Envy yelling derogatory words at him that were obviously unknown to him, and Lynette's head turning in the other direction was probably one of the best sights you had ever witnessed in your life.

“How’re you feeling?” Todd’s voice snapped you out of your memory. He was in the chair beside you with a hospital pillow on his lap. He had a bag of Doritos in his hand, which he was munching on.

You turned your head over to him and couldn't help but smile. It was a smile full of love and adoration, one that made Todd raise an eyebrow.

"I'm alright," you replied, reaching for the water that was by your bedside. You failed miserably, but Todd noticed it and hovered it over to your hands.

He took the opportunity to grab another chip and take a bite before looking back at you.

"You sure you're okay? I mean, you got hurt 'cause of me.”

"That's what I get for dating a badass, I guess." You laughed, shaking your head.

Todd scoffed, "That's not funny."

"It kinda is."

"Whatever." He crossed his arms and pouted a little bit. "I'll have to watch my back more now. I could have killed you."

“It’s okay. Envy would’ve reunited us if you had. She would’ve torn you a new one. I'd say you dodged a bullet there.”

As Todd munched on his Doritos, nodding along to your words, you knew there was nothing in his brain that connected what you’d just said. He was most definitely agreeing, just to agree.

And just because of that, you couldn't help but admire him. He was sitting there with his messy hair and those brown eyes of his. His clothes were wrinkled, and you could see the tiredness in his eyes, but none of it mattered to you because he was still so beautiful.

Todd being a vegan was also a blessing because it gave him such an amazing physique. He was lean but toned, his abs always visible even under his baggy shirts. Not that you cared if they were showing or not.

"Can I have a chip?” You asked him.

He turned towards you with a look of horror on his face. "You don’t like these. You like the non-vegan Doritos.”

“Aren’t they all… not vegan?”

Todd let out a sigh, his eyes rolling back.

"Not these. Spicy Sweet Chili. I got these from the vending machine. They're for me."

He sounded like a little child, which you couldn't help but laugh at. He always was so serious about these things, even though they were snacks that were meant to be shared with people.

"That's not what I asked." You said.

"Yeah, but-"

You made grabby hands at him. You were starting to feel that pain again as your muscles were getting tired. You needed those chips.

"Todd, please."

He let out a sigh, trying to hold back a smile. He was always such a big softie for you.

He handed over a bag of chips, and you wasted no time in taking one. Immediate regret as you took a bite out of the spicy snack, choking as you did so. You managed to swallow it down before taking in a drink of water to wash it all down.

"Told you that you wouldn't like them." He said with a grin.

"I… like them. I just don't like how I feel after I eat them."

"Mhmm.”

You glared at him, narrowing your eyes. "Stop being smug."

"I can't help it if I'm so cool." He winked.

He wasn't wrong, though. Todd had a very good self-esteem about himself and was never shy to tell you so. But it was the way he said it, that smug look of his and his stupid wink, that made you want to punch him and kiss him.

It was those little things.

"You know," you said as you crossed your arms, "this isn't how I planned on spending my Friday night."

"I know, babe. I know."

"I mean, I thought we were going to have some quality time. The two of us and the TV, I really wanted to catch up on that old Ed and Rose storyline.”

"I know, I know.”

"And instead, I'm here with and because of you." You glared at him as you finished your sentence.

He was ready for your attack, crossing his arms to match yours. You two were in the middle of a staring contest when Todd opened his mouth to say something, but the nurse came in at the worst possible moment to interrupt him.

"Ah, you're awake. How're you feeling?”

Unfortunately, this made Todd win the battle as you were forced to look at the nurse. She had a smile on her face, one that made you feel relaxed. Todd turned to look at her as well.

"I'm feeling better now." You said. "Thank you for asking."

The nurse nodded her head, writing down your words before turning to Todd with a smile. "Since your friend—”

“Girlfriend.” He corrected her, pointing a finger at you.

You couldn't help but laugh, turning your head to the side as you did so. Your laughter got the nurse to smile.

"I apologize. Since your girlfriend is doing better, you’re welcome to visit back in the morning. Visitation hours are from eight to twelve and one to three. After that, only family will be allowed in.”

Todd turned to look at you, and you could see that he wanted to say something, but with a simple nod from you, he leaned back in the chair with his arms crossed, giving the nurse his attention.

She gave him another smile as she looked back at you. "I’ll come back in about an hour for a checkup. Press the button if you need anything in the meantime."

"Thank you." You replied.

She left the room smiling, leaving the two of you to look at each other.

You let out a sigh as you leaned your head back on the bed, closing your eyes. Todd's eyes never left you, staring at you as you did so.

“Should've said we were married. I would've been able to stay the night here." He said.

"Yeah, but then I wouldn't be able to sleep because of your snoring. You know, that's why I get up so early in the mornings. I have no choice but to leave the bed when you're snoozing away."

Todd had the audacity to smile at that, shaking his head.

"Whatever, I don't snore. Besides, you love the way my arms feel around you."

You opened one eye, staring at him. "Are you trying to make me feel bad?"

"No. I'm just stating the facts. I have great arms if you hadn't noticed."

You scoffed at him and his bragging. You closed your eyes again.

"I hate you so much."

"I know." He said with a smirk on his face. “Can I have my chips back now? You ate almost all of them."

You handed the bag back to him without another word, sighing deeply. You could feel Todd's stare at you as he opened up the bag again.

You heard him take another chip into his mouth as he stared at you, but he was too quiet, so you knew he had something else to say.

"What?" You asked, already knowing the answer.

"You know that I meant it when I said sorry, right?"

"Of course I know, Todd. You always apologize."

He swallowed down his chips. "Yeah, but this time I really meant it. I was so scared when you got hurt. I didn’t mean to; I just got pissed at Lynette, and that all happened."

"Todd, it's okay. I know you didn't mean it. You would never hurt me."

"You're sure?" He asked.

You opened up your eyes again, looking at him. He was staring down at his lap as he said those words, biting his lip. You could tell that he was genuinely worried about this, so you reached over and made grabby hands again, but instead of the chips, you were looking for him.

Todd looked up at you and raised an eyebrow. He placed the bag of chips aside and got out of his chair, going over to the side of the bed to look at you. You placed both of your hands on either side of his neck, smiling at him.

"I'm positive. I know how much I mean to you, Todd. You don't need to worry. I'm not mad at you."

He was looking right into your eyes as you said that and nodded his head, moving closer toward you as he placed his hands on the side of the bed. You didn't want him to be too far away from you, so you wrapped your arms around his neck.

"I'm just glad you're okay. I didn't mean for this to happen. I swear."

"I know." You replied. "It's not your fault."

You stared at each other for a few more moments before he leaned down and kissed you. He placed both of his hands on either side of the bed as he deepened the kiss. He didn't do this often, but when he did, he knew exactly what he was doing.

He was also extremely careful now that you had broken your leg, making sure that he wasn't putting any pressure on your side. He placed one hand on your face to hold you in place as he kissed you while his other hand supported his body.

It felt like a few minutes had passed before he broke the kiss. He leaned down and rested his forehead against yours, closing his eyes.

"I love you." He whispered.

"I love you too."

It wasn't the first time he said it, and it definitely wasn't the first time you had said it to him, but it was the first time you heard those words without any fear in his voice. There was no worry, no hesitation, only love.

He opened his eyes, looking at you with a smile on his face. His brown eyes always captivated you, especially when he smiled.

You felt your own smile spread as you looked into those beautiful eyes of his, kissing him on the cheek before snuggling up to him.

You felt his hands wrap around your body and sighed contently. Eventually, he’d have to leave, but until then, you were going to enjoy this.

And if it came with spicy chips, then even better.

[derangedanomaly]

...So, Chaos is like my comfort character rn, and him getting mad at us... again... genuinely makes me want to cry, I can't handle getting yelled at... Like at all, and right now I'm literally shaking, if like anyone yells at me in anyway, my brain immediately says that it's my fault and I mad them mad, and to get away from them... Ha ha ha..... I think I have a problem.... But, when I get like this, I hide from the person that yelled at me, for like hours, sometimes I disassociate from the person to the point I stop responding... Completely... And then I avoid them, fearing I'll get yelled at again, and make them mad again. I won't even ask for help, I'll stay quiet and do as I'm told, without a single thought running through my head, like completely empty.

I was wondering if you could write um, some headcanons on Mare, Chaos, and the trio getting angry and yelling at us and then we just start disassociating and then when they stop yelling, we just disappear for hours only to reappear and not say a single word, but avoid them because we feel like we upset them and fear that if we get close to them they'll get angry again. And we won't even ask for things, we just hide and won't come out until our mind feels it's safe. And if they try to talk to us, at all, our mind immediately feels its no longer safe, and then we disassociate again.

You're so real for this.. I literally can't handle arguments- I don't like conflicts at all.

MASTERLIST

THE BOYS X THE READER DISAPPEARING AFTER AN ARGUMENT

NIGHTMARE:

Of course he snapped. How could he not? You keep on making excuses upon excuses, just so you can get out of doing certain chores. Nightmare just can't keep it together anymore... he's seriously too tired for this.

He was surprised when you ran up to your room, and didn't show up the whole day.

He honestly started to get a lil concerned. But his pride didn't let him check up on you

It was a shock to him when you finally came out of your room.

But even through all this... he's still the king of negativity. Of course he's gonna enjoy your negative feelings.

Honestly- won't end well. He doesn't know how to comfort someone, and he'd probably make it worse than it is actually- so.... Not the best choice 😭

CHAOS:

He didn't want to yell... He didn't mean to yell and let his emotions out... But you just suddenly started mentioning his mom...again. He truly doesn't want to think about it- he doesn't want to hear about it. Then something in him just- snapped.

You wouldn't even make it up to your room, before he grabs your hand, and looks at you with tears in his eye.

The only thing that he didn't want to happen- happened. He yelled at you.

You two immediately resolved it!

Everything went back to normal- and now you know not to mention that topic again..

Honestly, one of the best choices here lmao.

ACE:

He tries to stay away from creating conflicts...he can't stand them. He doesn't search for them- and he sure as hell doesn't want them. But hearing you spitting "facts" about his favorite tv show just made him angry..

He feels horrible after he sees you run up the stairs, a total mess.

He also- much like Chaos- won't let it sit. He'll try to immediately solve your argument!

He'd apologize really passionately! Just snuggling up to you, telling you how much he appreciates you..

BLADE:

Blade couldn't keep his cool when you fiddled with his collection of knives. He just COULDN'T. And being the idiot he is, he raised his voice....which he quickly realized was a mistake.

He was confused when you started avoiding him-

This dumbass is such a dum dum that he lets this go on for a whole week 💀

He just doesn't know what to say/do😭🙏🏻

He'd crack though, after he starts missing you.

Yeah...you got yourself a begging mess of Blade lmao

TED:

He doesn't yell at you

[bagely]

SOMETHING ABOUT... SINCERITY

from my discarded university Au

Roier had been trying to convince him to join his language club for a week, which Missa saw as another silly excuse to skip a few classes for extra credit. All week she had been introducing him to member after member of his blissful club, and today was no exception.

"You're going to love this guy, he's kind of emo like you." Roier said, with that smile that wouldn't leave his face. "Ya'll get to listen to Green Day in the rain or whatever it is you guys do."

"It's alarming the endless new ways you find to insult me." Missa replied. "I'm not going to enter that stupid club."

"you are going to enter Cabron, we're all there, even your brother is in this club" Roier commented with an air of pride. "Do you know how hard it was to convince Spreen? This club has its things, you'll only see if you join."

"I don't want to join the weird social experiment Quackity is doing."

"Social experiment," He repeated as if it were a joke "Quackity can't even count."

Before Missa could reply into the room a person he hadn't seen before entered. The world felt on pause for about two seconds, as if reality would need a second to process his alluring aura.

He sat across from them with a captivating smile, Looking at Roier and then at Missa he introduced himself. "I'm Philza, nice to meet you.. uhm, Roier told me you were thinking of joining our cultural exchange club."

"I..." His mind debated for a second whether to accept, but I already had too many things on my schedule to also add, it wouldn't be a good idea. He simply had to turn down this offer. "Yeah, I'm thinking about it."

'Crap. I'm not thinking, I'm not thinking about anything at all. Why Missa, why' He thought, turning to look at Roier, and feeling like he read his soul Roier smiled, knowing that he won.

The conversation flowed pleasantly as his initial awkwardness was forgotten. Surprisingly his taste in music was indeed similar to Missa's as roier had said, though he still tried not to be persuaded by charisma alone.

"Oh, I must go now." Said philza shortly after they exchanged numbers. Missa nodded slightly disappointed, but Philza smiled at him that gesture infected Missa making him smile as well. "You do have a beautiful smile."

" Thank-what?" was all Missa could say before Philza left the room. Out of nowhere he became conscious of his own breathing.

"Are you joining the club yet?" Roier asked.

"No. Callate - I'm going to class."

Similar little incidents began to happen in spurts. It seemed that at every corner he met Philza, and at first all their conversations were casual almost as if this one himself forgot the ways in which Phil ended their conversations which was usually compliments from Missa's point of view excessive out of nowhere.

The strangest- and most frustrating thing for Missa was that nothing was happening afterwards. If he liked him, he just should ask him out or something but he didn't say anything apart from exaggerated compliments. he had even told him on one occasion, literally; "You're so funny, I have to go now. I love you." And then he was gone - who the FUCK just does that out of nowhere?!

He was starting to wonder if he had started dating at some point and for some reason erased all memory of that moment. Or maybe it was a strange way Roier was trying to manipulate him to get him into his club, which seemed more likely every day.

But there was nothing else to do but confront him. Yes, he just had to wait for the perfect moment.

That came soon enough when he was invited to a party at Quackity's house, to celebrate something from the club which meant Philza would be there, and also alcohol which would be good for courage. The time for the party was not long in coming, and upon arriving at the place he was greeted by Roier.

"Your absurd manipulation ends here." Missa said, as he entered the house.

"Yeah, whatever do you want alcohol? It's in the kitchen." Replied Roier ignoring him.

Missa felt surrendered and automatically went all the way to the kitchen where she grabbed some drinks that the host of the house was preparing.

"Missa! You came! You're finally joining the club?"

"It's not in my plans." Replied the black-haired man to Quackity as he continued to drink. He began to feel the alcohol rising in his head.

It wasn't long before he was intercepted by Philza after he went out of the house to the garden to try to get some air. Alcohol was not a good idea.

"Are you okay?" the blond said approaching him, and checking his face by cupping his cheeks. Philza let out a laugh " you're stunning."

Missa held his breath, staring at him. There was something about Philza that attracted him in an inexplicable way, like an irresistible magnet. Perhaps it was his warm smile, or the way his eyes sparkled with genuine kindness. Or maybe...

Shaking his head, Missa tried to dispel those thoughts. "Why are you always doing this?" he asked as he pushed Philza's hands away from his cheeks that were starting to turn red.

"What are you up to?" Philza asked with that smile that turned his stomach.

"You're confusing me..." He replied, but from his silence he sensed that Philza didn't understand what he was referring to. Which annoyed him. "Do you want a kiss or something? Am I hallucinating? Why are you always fucking flirting!?"

"Flirting?" He started laughing loudly Philza. Missa forcefully stomped on his foot. "Okay, I'm sorry, I'm sorry... I was just being sincere."

"Being sincere? Eres pendejo?" Missa felt his hair stand on end, and his face turn redder. Then he looked up into Philza's face who looked totally honest with what he had said. Then Missa started nodding.

"What, what's wrong?"

Missa said nothing and kept nodding as he entered the house again followed by Philza. "Roier!" He started shouting "¡Me uno al maldito club!"

[beetlebug-bii]

Lucifer’s Nightmares

Content Warnings: swearing, main game spoilers, crackhead writing because I am still in a silly goofy mood

Requests Open!

TLDR: Lucifer has emotions and also has 0 coping skills, but that’s okay because he got those sweet sweet musical jams...oh and like a partner too or something

Lucifer would rather die than admit he has nightmares practically every night

Like fuck dude

He has that deep rooted guilt based trauma.

Nightmares about bad things happening to you, happening to his brothers, nightmares about Lilith, the war, Michael...father...all of these things mixed together and happening in one tornado of horrible events...

Not only that but his dreams are just so

Vivid

Every time he closes his eyes it all just feels

Real

No one would ever guess that sometimes even the calm and prideful Lucifer wakes up gasping for air, tears in the corners of his eyes

So how does he cope?

Well

He came up with the best solution ever

NEVER SLEEP AGAIN!!!! :D

and then you came

and at first you like had your own room

and didnt live in his room

because you know

you had one

BUT THEN FOR SOME REASON YOU WENT NAHHHH

Your room? Yeah thats mine now

and like what was he gonna say??

No??

He would never say that shit

Especially when you are paying rent in kisses

so like you kind of moved in

But like only kind of because you still wanted your room too and like didnt want anyone else to have it

So you actually have like 13 rooms now

thats beside the point you house thief 

(breaking and entering to the next level, you could probably evict the brothers and win smh)

So you started sleeping in his room

and you noticed he MAYBE just didnt sleep like

Ever

so you went oh yeah i can fix this

and started DRAGGING HIM LIKE A FUCKING RODENT

ALL THE WAY TO HIS BED

YOU TUCKED HIM IN LIKE HE WAS BEING RESTRAINED WITH A STRAIGHTJACKET 

which on an unrelated note would honestly probably do that poor man some good, he needs a vacation to grippyville, they all do

I digress

after centuries of having quite possibly the worst sleep schedule known to man, both to avoid having nightmares and to get his piles of work done

Having to actually just

Lay there

at like

11pm

Was merely just so flabbergasting that he spent like two weeks STILL NOT SLEEPING just to comprehend that he was SUPPOSED to be sleeping

You were bashing your head against the wall

Crying, sobbing, throwing up

take that as seriously as you want

regardless after a while he finally started falling asleep with you!

Why? well he loves you

unfortunately for him

(also you may or may not have been on top of him because he lays there like a fucking ROCK)

He loves you so much that he made a whole sleep schedule and went 

“yeah I can deal with this”

Spoiler alert he couldn’t

But it took about a week of sleeping properly to break him.

and you

because you were thrown

ONLY VAGUELY I SWEAR

HE JUST HAPPENED TO SHOOT UP AND YOU WERE ON TOP OF HIM SO YOU WERE KINDA JUST LAUNCHED ONTO THE FLOOR

Were you a bit frazzled

Maybe

Were you about three seconds from crying, throwing up out of spite, and yelling?

...maybe

But that quickly faded 

The demon before you sat with heavy, staggered breaths, his eyes wide and full of tears

part of you was like haha who is this man

but the other part was like oh shit what happened

Because like

YOU HAVE LITERALLY DIED AND THAT MAN HASNT SHED A

S I N G L E 

TEAR

so sitting there on the floor watching him try and regain what little composure he had left was a bit startling to say the least

So being the lovely not feral partner you are (for now), you sat next to him on the bed

You rubbed his back and whispered gently into his ear while leaning on his chest

Lucifer was also a bit flabbergasted 

Like

Lmao stupid human-

Insert internal sobbing here

Its fine

He held you and pretended nothing happened

Though he knew he definitely wouldn’t be falling asleep again any time soon

Of course you couldn’t just let this slide

You knew Lucifer better than you knew yourself

So

You did the only thing you could think of

You released yourself from his arms, and went to turn on one of his cursed records

“dance with me Luci?” 

You whispered

On a normal day he would’ve rolled his eyes at the girlish nickname

But maybe just for today he would let it slide...

and maybe tomorrow too

and maybe the next da-

So he took your hand and twirled you gently

The two of you slowly swaying to the music in the darkness of his room

The twinkling of fireflies outside the window

You couldn’t take away his fears or his worries or the guilt he carried

But you could stand there with him, gently holding his hand and swaying alongside him

A reminder that maybe

Things were beginning to work out

Because if he was there with you

In this moment with you in his arms

In this universe where you loved him and he loved you

A world where you have overcome all odds

Maybe all the heartache was worth it

Maybe every horrible moment and every heart wrenching sadness lead him here

Maybe that was okay...

Because at the end of it all

Was the single greatest happiness in his life

You

And as long as you were beside him

He could handle a few nightmares

“I love you” he whispers in your ear as he spins and twirls you, the moonlight illuminating your face

And for a moment the nightmares were forgotten

Replaced by him imagining a perfect forever alongside his human

[the-kr8tor]

MY FAVORITE TEACHER GOT ELOPED AND IM GOING TO THROW THE WEDDING PARTY THINGY The best parties are always thrown by unhinged minors trust me I dibs being the ringbearer and the rings will be made of paperclips

Daily Hobie HC! Week three, day one

Hobie stood outside on his boathouse once more the next night, looking up at the moonless sky, the stars twinkling much more brighter now.

He called out to the night sky, wanting to call out to you the best he knew how to. After a few seconds, he was beginning to be convinced that everything that happened was simply just a bad trip, until you appeared in front of him all of a sudden.

You were in a more smaller, human-like form as you stood in front of him, your lips curling into a small smile. Hobie's eyes widened as he slowly processed that you were a real being, His eyes roamed your body shamelessly, blinking uselessly at you like you'll disappear the moment he closed his eyes.

But you simply chuckled at his shock and stood there, waiting for him to wrap his head around the fact he managed to successfully summon you.

Unsurprisingly, just like the first encounter, you thought he was adorable. Once he seemed to get his act together, Hobie watched you approach and playfully boop his nose, circling him a few times as you admire his handiwork with his clothing.

He couldn't help but slightly puff out his chest in pride at a literal immortal being complimenting his DIY skills on his clothes, even if they were just pajamas currently. He had added patches to the bottoms and had some fun with sewing patterns into his shirt.

Shockingly to him, your admiration of his skills seemed to easily strike up a conversation between the two of you, with Hobie feeling a little bashful for the first time in a while at the knowledge of you having heard his practice sessions more than once.

That night, you managed to convince him to play for you, his company lifting your mood and temporarily curing your loneliness. There was no other deity for a while, leaving you to yourself in the vast expanse of the Earth's solar system.

After that night, you found yourself being called by Hobie often, which you always appreciated. Hobie could tell you appreciated the company whenever he called you at night by the way you started to hug him after a few more first times of calling you.

You gifted Hobie a small pendant, which he could use to summon you instead of screaming at the sky each night. Hobie summoned you one late night, after you had wished him sweet dreams and left to let him sleep, to gift you something back. He had managed to make a spiked cuff out of denim and piercing in spare spikes, as well as button clips.

He couldn't help his heart from melting as you rubbed his back warmly the moment you were summoned, trying to help him sleep easier. Before he fully relaxed in your embrace, he tiredly clipped the cuff around your wrist, watching as you pause to admire his work. He smiled at the sight of your own smile, his gaze softening as you thanked him, saying that you loved it.

One thing that could him off-guard, was your little peck to his cheek. Before Hobie was able to fully process what happened, his mind gave up on him, shutting down and making him sleep, his head resting in your lap.

It was safe that you kept watch over him the entire night, as you didn't feel the need to sleep or rest your body like the mortals do.

After that night, it seemed as if dynamics had shifted between Hobie and you. You two were definitely more closer within the confines of Hobie's houseboat, with him somehow convincing you to stay a little longer on Earth.

He knew that sometimes you'll have to return to your original, celestial form to make sure everything is running smoothly, but you could wait to enjoy some icecream with him.

Hobie found it adorable how, even though you didn't need it for survival, you still did 'mortal things', in your words, with him. You ate, let him cuddle you for comfort, and even 'fall asleep' with him on the nights when he needed it the most.

While you were 'napping', meaning you had slowed down your human form's breathing to a calm pace, with your eyes shut, you had laid yourself on top of Hobie on the couch, letting him gently run his hands through your hair and braid it absent-mindedly.

Hobie leaned down and kissed your forehead, listening to the small chuckle escaping your lips. You opened one eye to look at him, your gaze full of affection and fondness for him. Even if it would be short-lived due to immortality and mortality, Hobie never let you think about it, making sure you focused on the time you had with him now. -🐦‍⬛

Ngl I've always thought that eloping with your partner is the most badass thing you could do with them! Like "I love you so much that I want to marry you ASAP even though our loved ones won't be there but you'll be there and that's all that matters" kind of deal 😍 oh hell yeah add some party hats to the mix and ice cream cake!!

Daily Hobie HC ❤️❤️❤️

Awww he's waiting for r!! And he's ogling them ayo?!

At first I thought this was death! R for a sec but it's deity! R!!!!!! Love it!

R is having so much fun with him lol the lil boop 😂

They're curing each other's loneliness 🥹🥹🥹

BAHHAHHAHAHHA not him screaming in the night to get their attention!!!!! Don't do that you'll get noise complaints, Hobie!!!

R gave him a pendant and hobie gave them a personalised bracelet 🥹🥹😍😍😍

R sleeping and eating with him even though they don't need to makes my heart ache 😭😭😭😍😍 that's the sweetest thing ever 🥰

NOOOOOO R HAS TO MAKE HIM IMMORTAL OR I'LL RIOT! (Looking at you 🐦‍⬛anon 😤)

[pebiejeebies]

ISNT IT FUNNY? - Poll below.. read warnings please.

TW: Curse words, Full caps, Vent/Rant (I got very angry here.. sorry)

(If you are sensitive to the topic of LGBT, Alterhumanity, Vents/Rants, please do not read.)

Before you read, understand that most of what I say is an example, nothing more, nothing less. And I support and love Alterhumanity and LGBTQ+ equally, no more, no less. And If I worded something wrong, do tell!

Im glad to hear you two aren’t actually mad at me.. (Talking specifically to @chocolatespyro and @thelittleprinceconfirmed , but this is for everyone, don’t leave yet!)

I kinda feel like a little child or something— you know, for telling me I’m not wrong.. hah.. but eitherway thank you both for explaining what’s right and wrong, I “sorta” thought I did like a HUUGGGEE horrible thing so like I took a moment alone for a bit, then I came back to your very calm words.

I’m never used to people talking to me so.. nicely, (especially in a sensitive topic like this) that’s why I might fuck up and say I messed up even though I had the complete right to speak. (Which shows in my “apology” post, I literally deleted everything cause I thought it was a stupid idea to talk about)

Sigh, I guess since it’s fine from the both of you, I guess I can talk about it again. Honestly thank you for comforting me and such. I expected WAAAAAAYYYY worse.. (haha trauma go brrr) but yeah, back onto the topic.

(THIS IS THE START OF THE TOPIC IF UR UNINTERESTED IN WHAT I SAY FOR THEM <;3)

The topic (if you didn’t know) was basically about how people reacted towards LGBTQ+ and Alterhuman coming out situations..

(I think if you go to my profile and use #my polls you might find a broken and messy reblog of it, cause I deleted the text/poll aha..)

Let’s do an example, shall we? (NO HATE TOWARDS LGBT. JUST AN EXAMPLE)

We all love it when we hear the appreciation posts say: “Be who you are! Never hide your true colors! Show yourself to the world! Never be scared to shine!” And so on.. but why do I feel like it’s mostly aimed for humans (aka LGBT), not Alterhumans.. (IK THERE ARE APPRECIATION POSTS FOR THEM/GEN)

If an Enby came out to their parents, (like in America or a country that supports lgbt) there’s a good chance they’d be supported by their parents, or friends, or both! (WHICH IS VERY GOOD, DONT TAKE IT THE WRONG WAY!)

But alterhumanity has an issue with that, (Still in America or a country similar to it) if I ever said to my parents that I was a therian and a fictkin, they’d either laugh thinking I’m joking or smth, or they’d think I’m out of my religion for being an Alterhuman (WHICH IS COMPLETELY UNREALISTIC! SEARCH IT UP!) I researched so much for a good week or two, learning about therianthropy and fictkinity, and it doesn’t even affect your religion! Satanist? You can be a Alterhuman! Christian? You can still be Alterhuman! Etc etc..

It is an Identity, you identify as an Alterhuman, just like how you would identify as a part of the LGBT!

(Keep in mind that I know what LGBTQ+ people go through, and I’m so proud of them for fighting back all this horrible hate)

Back to the main issue, which was the “Coming out” issue. like I said earlier, if you came out as an enby you’d most likely get good treatment, like flags around pride month, and freedom of expression! (And Like hearing people use your pronouns, which probably feels so great <3)

Now let’s look at alterhumanity.. If I wore a tail or ears out in the public.. will I get the feeling of “Be who you are! Never hide your true self!” In those painful stares of disgust and shame? If I ever hissed “accidentally” in public, wouldn’t they just make fun of me? (Which.. sadly happened once.. never again.) and so on..

What’s my point you say?

LET. EVERY. CREATURE. EXPRESS. THEMSELVES.

Where is the equality everyone talks about?! Have you seen how much HATE VIDEOS of THERIANS, OTHERKINS, AND SUCH?! It’s RIDICULOUS.

It only infuriates me because you (not targeted dw) say “Be who you are! Never hide! Show yourself to the world” then go all “What the fuck are you wearing.. are you a cat boy?! Cringe asf..” or “You do know ur human right?” OR ONE OF THE MOST INFURIATING THINGS TO SAY TO US “You wanna get treated like wild animals? I’ll get my shotgun and hunt you down lolol”

Aaahhaha funny indeed! (I might be overthinking again, sorry)

You don’t see enbys (NOT TARGETED. ITS AN EXAMPLE) Get called “You know you’re human right?” Yet every day (not literally) I see a new post on therianthropy hate, mocking of them walking on all 4s or showing their beautiful howls/roars/meows/squaks.. etc etc.. (This sort of happens to furries as well, they are so misunderstood. </3)

It’s frustrating when I show myself to this world after they ASSURE me and TELL ME ITS FINE.

then all I get is a

mocking

stare

of

DISGUST.

even after they say “I’ll never judge you”

(Take a moment to breathe, and think about this so far, I don’t want you to get tired because of me, <3)

Sigh. I guess this accidentally turned into a vent/rant (since I was more comfortable talking about it.. makes sense I guess)

Now, the thing you (probably) came here for.. The Poll.

(Be a little more detailed in your opinion please and explain if ur talking to me or not/gen, and please reblog/nf so more people can vote/nfnfnf)

Thank you for voting/reading (I like looking at statistics, that’s why I made a poll btw.)

Here, have a cookie for being so patient!

🍪

[donnerpartyofone]

Sometimes life takes on the thematic consistency of a movie, and this is always thrilling even if you know intellectually that all of your impulses and machinations have to come from the same subconscious place.

At the beginning of the week I saw an interesting horoscope prompt to write an obituary for your past self and bury it in the ground. I decided to do this, perhaps because I have been burning for change for several years now on a level that has been making me much more insane than I already am. I thought it would feel forced and pretentious to write the obit, but it was really easy, particularly easy to see what the "past self" consists of when I notice all the things I do now that I couldn't before. It was a good feeling, that it was so obvious to me what to write. I buried it where we spread our lizard's ashes, a place where there is a view of the Statue of Liberty. Sometimes I hang around there and analyze what "liberty" means to me in a culture where we often take it for granted as a foundational principle, even though this isn't very true in practice.

It happened to be the summer solstice. On midsummer's eve I had been strangely full of energy. Someone posted a section of coptic midnight praise music, so I got out of bed and listened to that on repeat for about an hour before getting two or three hours of sleep. I woke up around dawn feeling refreshed and experienced no fatigue for the rest of the day. Then I did the writing, and the burial. Oddly (or not), I would spend the next two days finally-finalizing my married name change on every outstanding account. Becoming a different person.

In the night I'd found myself looking at pictures of snakes, my favorite animal since childhood. In the morning I vaguely remembered something having to do with snakes and midsummer; in fact there is a Lithuanian grass snake entity that is supposed to protect the home and bring good fortune, and it is connected with a sun goddess who is naturally celebrated on the solstice. I even remembered that I had some Zaltys-themed perfume in my collection, so I dug that out and enjoyed it, a sunny and snakey smell. My seemingly random snake meditation was well-timed, not only calendrically but because my husband and I have been desperately searching for a new home. We got one the next day.

In less than 24 hours, we viewed an apartment in our (really MY let's be honest) favorite neighborhood, applied to lease it, and were accepted. Of course nothing with me is ever as cut and dried as that, and in reality it took several hours to get my application materials together and do banking bullshit and just stop fucking everything up. I started a post yesterday detailing all this, but now I'm too exhausted to fix it up and post it. Suffice it to say that almost every adult activity is almost Too Hard for me, I wish I understood the world better and I really do try but it's beyond my intellectual functioning, but every time I have to take care of some administrative nonsense I'm like a goldfish passing the same plastic castle like it's brand new. Sometimes it feels like everything I do is the hardest thing I've ever done, and my only source of pride is the willingness to keep doing it.

The apartment is only slightly too expensive, which we will trade for slightly more space in a much nicer neighborhood. We've been sitting on each other's heads in a hilariously small place surrounded by toxic waste (literally) for ten years, and in the last few years it began to feel like something that was holding us back, as people, in life. Like I needed so many things to change about my health, my job situation, my daily routines, my worldly possessions, and it just didn't feel possible for anything to shift in this little place that seemed to be shrinking every day. I became convinced that moving house would trigger all of the other changes, no matter how unrelated they might appear, and I still think this may prove true.

It may not be surprising that I started going to church during this time of constriction, when I could only expand my mind. I find it easy to love the intense fetishism of Catholicism, and its enormous pantheon of different guys with different attributes. It's got more guys than GI Joe, all with cool little backstories. Somewhere I read that you can bother St. Joseph for domestic needs. He is a guy who we know very little about, which is curious because the holy family is such a big deal; it seems that he died sometime before Jesus turned water into wine, but no one knows how. There is an incredible statue of him in Star of the Sea that is epically sad and exhausted-looking, I need to get a picture of him. I actually said a novena to Joseph for the new apartment...so now I guess I'm on the hook! Good thing I confused things by also asking my favor of the Lithuanian snake entity, so I don't have to just become a fanatical Catholic. I'll have to make a little joint altar in the new place for Joseph and the serpent.

While I was changing my name on the last bank account down in the financial district, my husband texted me to say we got the apartment. It was about an hour after we submitted our application. When I stepped outside, I realized I was around the corner from St. Paul's Chapel on Broadway, an ancient-feeling place surrounded by modern steel and concrete and glass. The cemetery that wraps around the building has a view of the Oculus, which presents an extremely strange view that I couldn't get a representative photo of, so all these exteriors are stolen and you'll have to try to imagine what I mean. I did go in, though. The atmosphere is very powerful, a center of oldness and spirit and allegorical thought in the center of this futuristic business orgy. I think that I'd like to be wealthy because of course that's what everyone wants, but also because it would increase my ability to be helpful and contribute to changes I want to see around me. I thought about this while I put some money in the offering slot and lit a candle.

In esoteric thought there is something called an egregore, which is sort of like a large-scale tulpa, an entity that arises from people's collective mental and emotional investment in it; Wall Street has an egregore, and the NFL, and Broadway, and Disney, and so on. St. Paul's Chapel does a great job of announcing itself as the seat of the egregore of New York City. I regret that I couldn't get a picture of this painting without the glare in the middle, although that does add a certain amount of drama. But anyway here we are, back to the concept of Liberty. Here's hoping the new apartment brings lots and lots of growth and change.

[akirathedramaqueen]

Two completely random things I might regret dropping here later. But I think I need to get it out of my system and maybe it'll help me stop being a whiny insufferable grouch I've become the last days partially because of today's episode coming out.

TW for self-hatred (mine) and suicidal thoughts (not mine, don't call psych ward on me, please; and it's not in the post itself, only in the song it mentions later on).

One.

Waiting for Ghostfuckers fucked me up completely. Like not in a fun way. In a 'I've considered dropping this show despite how much I love it' way. Because it touches on a topic so deep and personal to me I am not sure I want to be inadvertendly called out like that. So I stopped checking tumblr, I avoided any HB mentions, I couldn't write two lines in the fic without being triggered (so if I ignored your tags or messages or replies—sorry!). Don't know since when I've become so sensitive. I actually took pride in being quite callous to everything. But apparently here I am.

It's not like the show is the sole reason my mental health went down the drain in the past weeks. Of course not. It's just that was the last fucking drop which sent me spiraling.

If anything, I dare to say it actually helped me understand myself better in many ways and learn to try to accept some fuck-ups I've done with my life, that it might be just fine to be fucked up a little.

Reason for all this rambling? None. Guess I just relate to Blitzø hard in this way and I am afraid to see even uglier side of myself. And maybe if you feel the same way about the silly demon show, I don't blame you, I am with you. But fuck it, I embrace it. Fucking hit me with that episode and leave me in shambles. I'm not ready, but hey, I am the AT and the FUCKING PENGUIN SHORT survivor, it can't be worse than that, right?

RIGHT?

(Watch me fucking crawl in the corner and wail in like? 8 hours from now on?)

Two.

I have that song on repeat, and its chorus is what I think characterizes all Blitzø's actions. Not the song itself though. This is the case where I take the chorus out of context deliberately, because the rest of it, well . . . this is TW-worthy. Suicidal thoughts TW-worthy. Consider it your warning.

So I'm just focusing on this part.

My personal hell, I'll bury it, bury it Weight of the world, I'll carry it, carry it Pile it all on, I've gotta be strong For somebody, for somebody Put my pain in a pill, I'll swallow it, swallow it Too numb to feel, I'm hollow, I'm hollow I have to hold on, I've gotta be strong For somebody, for somebody Somebody else

It's so Blitzø, isn't it?

Burying his trauma so that he can get through another day. Not realizing it keeps chipping away from his life however he tries ignoring it.

Swallowing his immense guilt and act brash. Put his pride on display, not realizing it's not the opposite of shame, but its source (I thank ATLA for this great quote).

Taking responsibility for literally everything happening around him. No matter if he could help it or not.

He's gotta be strong, he has to hold on and pile it all on. For somebody. Somebody else, who matters more than he does.

[mageofseven]

Repressed Love: A DiaLuci Love Story

Chapter 12

Tag list: @astroseuss @zarakem @brielle043 @missloserqueen

•▪︎▪︎◇°●♡●°◇▪︎▪︎•

A week went by since the incident at the school. Diavolo was a man of his word and sent his message to Abigor, warning the viscount to keep his son away from the man that was essentially his stepson. Dia meant it when he said that Satan was just as much his family now as Lucifer and Audriana were. The two may not be on the best of terms now for whatever reason, but he still defended the blonde like family.

Audriana was a little over two weeks old now, but had progressed so much. At first, the little girl was trying to figure out how to move around better. For a few days, all the girl would do is scootch around on her little butt. She'd sit on the ground and use her little arms to move herself forward and slide her butt against the ground.

Diavolo lost his mind over this action. It was too cute! This man practically filled his D.D.D. up with all of the photos and videos he took of his daughter. This also led to his desk being covered in pictures of his baby girl...which were confiscated some days.

His little girl's pictures were just too distracting to the prince. When he would run behind on work from staring at the pictures too long, Barbatos would have no choice but to move the pictures away from the man.

After their daughter's scootching stage, she started to crawl. This was a quick stage for her because after two days of this, Audriana was already walking. Walking. At two weeks old.

Her progress was very overwhelming to Lucifer. The situation got the dad thinking about how fast Satan grew and how he never truly got a childhood...how Audriana won't get a long one either.

It was hard for the pride demon to be as excited for the toddler's milestones as Dia was when all he could think about was how quickly it all was happening. The father truly believed that one day he'd blink and...she would be all grown up. Honestly, this was a common thought parents have, but for his daughter, it was a literal possibility.

Diavolo would always comfort his boyfriend through the worry though and, in truth, the redhead's happy and prideful outlook towards their daughter's achievements was a bit contagious.

It didn't take long after that for the little girl to start babbling. The toddler didn't quite know how to speak yet, but boy was she determined to learn.

Day after day, the little girl would babble constantly up at Lucifer, sometimes accompanied with little slaps of her hands against his thighs or cheeks, as his if she was trying to say 'pay attention!'.

It was quite exhausting for the dad, but he still took it in stride and gave his daughter as much attention as possible.

'She's just like him...' The dad thought one day, smiling. 'Always craving my attention.'

Yes, Audriana was a lot like Dia in this way, but what the pride demon didn't want to acknowledge was that he was the same way. Lucifer was much more clingy to the prince than he ever was before their daughter.

One night, the two men had a lot of trouble getting their daughter to go to bed. With her increased mobility, the little girl was able to break free from her crib and run as fast as her tiny legs would let her to her daddies' room. The two men tried leading her back to her own bed, but each time she came back to their room, crying even harder for the two men.

And so the dads decided to let her sleep in bed with them. They both held her close between them and their daughter hug onto them tightly.

Problem? The two very tired men wanted sleep. Audriana, on the other hand, did not.

The small child kept babbling at the two men and would slap their cheeks if they started to doze off. The two dads kept telling her that it wasn't very nice and she can't hit them like that, but the girl was very, very insistent that they should listen to her.

For what seemed like the millionth time that night, Luce's eyelids were drooping.

That's when it happened.

Audriana slapped both of his cheeks and yelled in his face.

"Da da! No!"

Both men were shocked awake. What did she say???

The little girl giggled at their reaction.

Dia started shaking his boyfriend excitedly.

"She said it!"

Luce huffed at the man before sitting up and pulling Audri on his lap.

"What is it, princess?" He asked, hoping she'd say it again.

And she did.

"Da da da da dada." She repeated happily, even pointing at Lucifer.

Diavolo screamed in joy, hurting his partner's ear, before plucking the girl from the pride demon's lap and onto his.

"My turn! Can you say 'Papa'? 'Papa'?"

The little girl just babbled at him, but seemed almost frustrated; like she was truly trying to make such a sound, but was struggling.

Tears filled her eyes and the girl was ready to bawl when Dia started pressing kisses all over her face, causing his daughter to squeal with laughter instead.

Lucifer smiled softly at this; his boyfriend really had a way with their daughter and it really warmed the Avatar of Pride's heart.

Once the kisses stopped, the toddler slipped her little hands in the prince's hair and grabbed on tight.

As Diavolo tried untangling the girl's hands, that's when it happened.

"Ba ba la la mmmf." She babbled before finally adding. "Papa!!"

Oh how that man gushed.

"Yes! Yes! I'm Papa!"

The man was crying tears of joy as he held his daughter in the tightest hug of her little life.

Lucifer didn't realize it, but he himself also had tears in his eyes.

Diavolo looked over at his boyfriend and, like always, was the one to notice his tears first.

"Oh my Light..." He reached his hand over and wiped a falling tear from the other demon's cheek. "This is amazing, isn't it?"

The other dad only nodded.

In truth, the two men got very little sleep that night because of their daughter's talkative mood, but by the devil were these men happy.

Audriana, though a bit naughty, was growing into a very smart girl who loved making her Dada and Papa happy.

[0nelittlebirdtoldme]

For Heesung, I thought he was a red flag mostly because the “apparently innocent second ML turns out to be a huge, even bigger asshole than the main ML” is a trope I’ve already seen a lot in BL, but mostly in shoujo. Also, him buying Dan all those gifts really rubbed me the wrong way, because a stranger essentially spending so much money on expensive designer stuff with second intentions buy the affection of someone they’ve known for a week or so seemed very alarming to me. Feels like love-bombing but with gifts. But turns out, he’s not the two-faced monster I thought he was going to be!

But, uh… You mentioned you thought Jae might let Heesung have a turn with Dan… Honestly, with the way Heesung reacted, I bet he thought he’d have a turn with Dan too. He blushed when he saw Dan and when Jae told him to be quiet and come closer, Heesung did exactly that while blushing. He only looked truly disturbed, scared and hurrying to leave after Jaekyung threatened him. Which might be me misinterpreting that scene, but for that he’s not out of my watch. Still, I think he might give up on Dan after that.

On another note, a lot of people ignore that Jae has been sadistic from the very beginning. People used the excuse that he “didn’t know about Dan’s situation” but after he quite literally buys Dan from the loan sharks, he knows that what he’s doing is fucked up. He knows he’s taking advantage of Dan— and he’s into it. The look he gives Dan before telling him he cleared his debt and how he tells Dan to “give up his pride” while smiling says it all. He even taunts him about it during their sparring/competition thing, saying

You know, when Dan’s about to be evicted and begs Jaekyung for money, humiliating himself, that’s when their dynamic starts to change. At that point in the story Jae didn’t know much about Dan, and Dan had considerably a lot more “power” and “freedom” in regards to Jae (even though, realistically, he couldn’t), but after seeing Dan on his knees, all beat up, begging for money to move into a new house Jae starts to notice that Dan is desperate and that means he can cross any boundaries — thus the infamous bop-it toy sex scene happens. His past partners could refuse it but Dan can’t.

And later, when he buys Dan from the loan sharks, that’s where their dynamic shifts completely. Before, Jae was just a source of money with no strings attached. Now Dan’s indebted directly to him (saved? no. more like under new management), and becomes completely reliant on Jae to have a place to live and is finacially dependent on him. At this point, Joo has complete awareness of Dan’s situation (even more after meeting his grandma).

He actively enjoys the fact that Dan is 100% at his mercy. And I believe him when he says he sees than as a possession, because in his mind it’s literally how it is. As much as I believe he might already have feelings for Dan, that doesn’t negate the fact that he’s just a possession now. He purchased Dan with money, “saved” him from a shitty situation and took care of the hospital bills for his grandma, in exchange Dan is completely his. And he hates it anytime Dan shows even a bit of resistance or steps out of line, or when outside circumstances (Potato interrupting sex; Dan helping out the other members of the gym; Heesung existing basically) interfere with Dan.

Dan’s the perfect toy that can’t say no to his whims and fetishes like his other partners did, he cooks him food and also takes care of his health and treatments. People say Jaekyung would drop Dan if he found out about Dan’s crush on him, but I disagree. He’d love that shit, because that means Dan won’t leave him and he can use those feelings to manipulate Dan even more. It makes no sense for Jae to drop Dan.

And the scary thing is that those stunts he pulls are CALCULATED!!!!! The car one and now the incident in chapter 34. He plans them in silence, he festers in his own jealousy and anger then acts it out.

Honestly Jaekyung is such an interestingly fucked up character, I love him and I love to hate him. I do believe he’s only going to get more controlling and obsessive from here on. I kinda hate that some people want to defend Joo because he doesn’t need defending. He is what he is, Mingwa knows that they’re doing with his character. He IS abusive towards Dan, and now we’re stepping into a more scary territory with the lying and manipulation, also the break of trust. Again, sorry for the long rant! I knew Jinx would be a dark romance but I thought it would be one of those very light ones where the ML is just a textbook asshole, which is why the recent development caught me off guard.

Oh wow, this is a big one.

Well, who knows, maybe I am in the wrong about Heesung after all. Maybe he too has some sceletons in his closet. Nothing is for certain.

I gotta disagree in one point tho; I do think that Jae does like it at least a bit when Dan puts on a fight, no matter if verbally or physically. Sure, he may be annoyed and roll his eyes, but if I remember correctly, he had been impressed by that hook Dan had thrown in the showers. I don't think he wants him to be a mindless slave either - perhaps he does enjoy him having a bit of a bite and character. And with all that shit he's been pulling, it is clear that he is not only a possessive but also a jealous man, who perhaps slowly starts to get involved, and is handling that absolutely terribly. I don't know. But he sure got issues.

All in all, a bastard. But I still cannot help myself and want to see where this is all going 👀

[good-beanswrites]

Reposting my Shidou/dance drabble -- I realized I’d accidentally included literally everyone except Kotoko and I felt so bad 😭It’s all super minor edits to make it happen in T1 and give her like two lines of appearance, but I really wanted to lol

“I am not doing that.”

Shidou was always very polite, very calm in the face of any high-energy circumstances, whether it was a medical emergency or a raving party. The situation wasn’t quite either of those, but still he maintained his composure as the prisoners beckoned him forward. 

Yuno had cleared away some of the common room tables so she could teach Haruka a dance she’d seen online. His performance had attracted Muu, and their giggles had tempted Mahiru, whose enthusiasm had inspired Kotoko, whose intensity had found competition in Mikoto, whose teasing had recruited Fuuta, whose yelling had dragged in Kazui, and their spectacle had drawn in Shidou and Amane as an audience. 

“Aw, it’s easy,” Yuno was telling him, “just a few simple moves. I’m not asking you to pirouette or anything.”

Through his polite smile, he internally cursed Kazui for joining in; now he couldn’t use the excuse that he was too old for such nonsense.

Not that dancing itself was the issue. Shidou prided himself in being very good at the art: he knew several steps and moves, and had never been known to pinch his partner’s toes. He and his wife had received much praise for their dancing at their wedding. Before his work kept him out through the nights, she had talked him into a few midnight waltzes in their kitchen. He’d help his daughter twirl when she was feeling like a ballerina, and would sway with his son to the same music. 

But this amalgamation of hand gestures and hip swaying wasn’t quite the same to him.

He opened his mouth to decline, but the small stare in the corner gave him pause. Amane was watching the scene with feigned disinterest. She watched Shidou for his answer. All week he’d been encouraging her to involve herself with others more, telling her of all the benefits to her mental health. If he wanted even the slightest chance of her taking him seriously, he only had one choice. 

“I… will do my best.”

“Great!”

Before he had a moment to second guess the decision, Yuno grabbed his arms and yanked him into the circle. His eyes flashed around the group, quickly calculating the moves in order to follow along. Swing your arms this way, wag your finger that way, raise both hands, turn your body around, and so on. It was fairly repetitive. He had it down in no time. 

Or so he thought. Mikoto snickered at him.

“What?”

“You look stiffer than a board. You’re supposed to loosen up, man.”

“I am loose,” he said, his limbs perfectly rigid as he moved them with the music.

Mikoto did the little turn, putting a bunch of extra movement into it. It was uplifting to see him enjoying himself. Ever since he’d left the smoking group, Shidou had been worried about his state of mind. “Not even close. You’re doing even worse than Fuuta, somehow.”

“Hey!”

Mahiru circled her arms to the music. “I think he’s doing very well!”

Kotoko looked over. “You’ve got good breath control. It feels nice to work out like this, mm?”

“I suppose…”

Yuno was dancing circles around them -- literally and figuratively -- and she seemed to agree with Mikoto.

“Come on, you can relax here! Warden isn’t even around.” She swung her hips in fluid motions. “Let me see some rhythm!”

Shidou joined them for claps in sync with the beat, which he thought demonstrated his rhythm perfectly fine, but she kept prodding. 

Finally, he set his jaw. He wasn’t the type of man to get embarrassed. He could care less for appearances. Even if he was that type of person, he’d have reason to agree -- Kazui was completely showing him up. 

Though his movements were certainly ridiculous and clumsy compared to the others’, he tried to shift his shoulders and legs in similar motions. It earned him some celebration and some laughs from the others. He bent his knees, trying to put his whole body into the silly steps. 

He followed Yuno’s example, letting out a chuckle as he danced more ridiculously than he believed he ever had.

The song picked up, and Shidou turned triumphantly to where Amane sat in the corner. This would be a big step, showing her he was willing to put himself out there for the group. Maybe it would even convince her to come and join the dancers, now that she saw --

Her chair was empty. She had left.

[angria]

Survived the week without T...even though really need to see him; so much shit has happened. I always start feeling the missing sessions by this point.

Things seem back to usual with A? She's been on a work trip all week and won't return until Tuesday. Then my friend is coming Thursday for the wedding next weekend (another positive). So literally a day to see her before I'm out of town. She said she is excited to see me when she gets back, so that's a good sign.

Got two-times lucky and didn't have to deal with K at work this week. She still managed to piss me off over the phone and email, but at least didn't have to deal with her in person.

Finished my first Spring course! Still waiting on my final grade, but I think I should be okay.

Kind of bummed...my Easter/rehearsal dinner dress arrived and will have to send it back. Didn't fit right and isn't that great in person. Which is probably for the best. I do not need another dress and it will save me some money. So positive in that realization?

My parents usually get me something small for Easter (idk, remnants from growing up). So I asked for these rainbow beaded earrings to wear for Pride this year. I wanted them last year, but talked myself out of it.

Weather has been terrible for days, but I think we are rounding a corner...sunny today and then most days next week. Now just need the temps to warm up.

Maybe a good thing....St. P's Vestry retreat is tomorrow and kind of looking forward to it. I like the other members, but P will be there, so hopefully he doesn't fuck it up with some insensitive comments or prayers.

[spinachandhoney]

SnakeFace episode 14 script

[prone to change]

[script under cut]

  The five rushed through the rain to the York manor, which was the closest option though it was still a far way to run. Kim unlocked the front and ushered everyone inside before slamming the door against the wind.

  “Mom!” Ivan shouted as he hung his coat up. “You home?”

  “I’m upstairs!” Jamie replied. “I’ll be down in a minute.”

  Kim gathered some towels for the five of them to dry off in the den. Joey fixed a fire while Kim left to make some hot cocoa.

  “Hey, kids,” Jamie smiled. “Who’s this?”

  “This is Hans,” Ivan said, towelling his hair dry. “His mom runs the cafe.”

  “Well, hello, Hans. I’m Ivan’s mother.”

  “Hello,” Hans smiled, hanging his letterman up in front of the fire. 

  “It doesn’t look like the storm is going to let up until later tonight,” Kim said, coming back with a bundle of steaming cups. “Hans, do you want to let your parents know you’ll be home late?”

  “That’s probably a good idea- as long as it’s okay with your parents?”

  “It’s fine with me,” Jamie said. “You’re welcome to stay as long as you like, Hans.”

  The wolf smiled.

  “Oh!” Val sat up. “My stuff should be coming in tomorrow, so there’ll probably be some packages delivered here.”

  “Oh, rad?” Joey looked up. “What theme are you going for?”

  “Probably something similar to my room at home.”

  “Laaaaame.”

  “I mean, I like how my room looks. It’s always dark because of the blackout curtains, so I like to have a lot of candles for a more subtle light source.”

  “Look at you caring about room decor,” Ivan said. “I just threw stuff on the shelves and called it good.”

  “Why would anyone ever let you decorate your own room.”

  “You’re the one with sconces and dead roses as your choice of decoration.”

  “Don’t have to worry about watering the roses if they’re already dead.”

  “He has a point,” Joey admitted.

  “Says the guy who panics at the sight of a wilting leaf.”

  “I pride myself in my gardening skills.”

  There was a pause. “So how long have you all known each other?” Hans asked.

  “Well, I’ve known Ivan and Kim for about two weeks now,” Val said. “And Joey joined the gang on- was it Monday?”

  “Yeah, about two days ago, then,” Joey confirmed.

  “You guys act like you’ve known each other for years,” Hans chuckled.

  “I think that might just be because of Joey’s sarcasm,” Val muttered.

  “It’s a gift,” Joey said confidently.

  Kim let Hans pick a room to stay the night in, bringing out some of the inflatable mattresses for him and Val. The wolf happened to choose the room next to Val’s, which shared one of the master bathrooms. Two sinks, a large bathtub, and a double-wide shower. The rooms were direct across the building from Ivan and Kim’s rooms, which were on either side of the second bathroom on the same floor. Joey’s room was on the adjacent wall with its own balcony. Kim made sure to cover Val’s window with the closest thing to blackout curtains in case the sun happened to be out the next morning.

  “The storm isn’t supposed to let up until around eight in the morning,” Kim said as she covered the window. “But it’s better to be safe than sorry.”

  “Yeah, I’d hate to wake up to third-degree sunburns,” Val joked. Kim rolled her eyes.

  “I still think it’s amazing how well you all get along not even in two weeks of knowing each other.”

  “You’re relevant to that comment too, you know. I mean, I’ve known you not even twenty-four hours and we’re practically sharing a room.”

  “There are worse ways to get to know someone.”

  “Alright, that should be good,” Kim stepped away from the window. “Sorry, it isn’t much, but it’ll keep you safe.”

  “That’s all that really matters right now. If worse comes to worst, your parents are literal witch doctors.”

  Kim laughed. “This is true.”

<bonus comic>

Literally just Joey crying over a wilted plant (Shinji pose)