#Dumping From The Parasol

[kiwipineappleparasol]

oh Yeah I forgot I never Posted the rest of my Thoughts on the TTYD remake ... Whoops! These things happen I suppose. Since it’s almost OG TTYD’s NA release again, might as well post them now ! Spoilers below for the whole game and post game!

THE EXCESS EXPRESS IS SOOO PRETTY WITH THE NEW LIGHTING !!! I had to take so many screenshots. Especially at sunset or at night. And the MUSIC… The evening atmosphere in general is just soooo good. I would keep trying to get images of my partners sitting at the dining tables to little success.

I remember getting a taste of all the new poses before the remake came out with some comparison images but it's still so cool to me

I had Vivian out when I inspected the stains on the dining car floor and . Actually I'll just put the clip here . Beldam SUCKS (we knew this it's just being reiterated)

the Ghost T sequence looks awesome. The light of Heaven…. Of course I read his diary, and holy shit the glitching effects and stuff wasn't what I expected at all (can’t remember if they were in the og) but it really adds to the DEATH CURSE .

my mother asked why they'd bother to tie up Doopliss because he did nothing wrong . This is true Doopliss has never done anything wrong in his (after)life (joking statement)

Riverside station is soooo pretty….. Unclear how the sun is supposed to be going through the mountains like that though. Not like it matters when it looks so Cool and Wavy.

The inside of the station looks less run down than it did from my memory and moreso just old and abandoned, in a way that I like. It just feels so …empty in a good way.

When you're supposed to hit the Smorgs with your hammer, if you have any partner other than Goombella out and use the Partner Hint, she will tell you as much -- but if you have Flurrie out, Flurrie will instead tell you that, and that she can blow them away! Such a neat touch. They really thought of everything.

the scene of TEC shutting down … It just has such Drama to it. I didn't get to that part in my last playthrough so I can't compare it mentally but I liked it.

Slight Detour: to defeat Bonetail and save a kid’s dad ! Gotta wait for Frankly anyways right

Anyways! back on track . I forgot to write many notes for the last two chapters Unfortunately. Here’s what I got:

AWESOME SHOOTING TO THE MOON CUTSCENE

if you have Vivian out during the cutscene entering the X Naut fortress she's like "not this place again…" I love how she actually references being there before

LORD CRUMP'S STUPID EVIL LAUGH POSE is so good . I love all the new poses so much and I don't think he had it in the original? But idk . He literally only has it for like. Two seconds. But either they thought it was so important and I respect it.

he sucks up the audience with his .. um. his. why is the vacuum coming out from between Magnus Von Grapple's legs.

The scene of the Thousand Year Door opening was so sick I had to watch it multiple times . The crystal stars look so awesome here, and the presence the door has … The way it cracks and opens to this swirling darkness… Awesome.

We get to finally give Beldam a taste of her medicine, or as Vivian said "it's her turn to get punished" … Sad to see Doopliss get duped in this nonsense. In the tattle log it said Beldam specifically sought him out … Definitely after he ran by them crying after Chapter 4 . Beldam loves targeting people she thinks are weak! How likeable. She is directly called abusive by Goombella in Doopliss' tattle -- not that it isn't obvious but you know, happy to see it called what it is.

There's another puzzle moment where you could use either Koops or Yoshi Kid -- you're expected to use Koops but if you have Yoshi Kid out he'll say as much. So cool. I loooove accounting for multiple solutions.

when Grodus said the world is mine. Well. I had to laugh. Someone show him Miku. Also when he got INCINERATED BY THE SHADOW QUEEN. That moment has always been so funny to me. He's so fucking stupid did he think the demon would actually listen to him. That's what he gets for trying to kill Lord Crump off LMAO. also for what he did to TEC I Guess ��

THE HANDS CRAWLING ACROSS THE LAND . LETS GO

The epilogue of Goombella visiting everyone has always been sweet, showing that while direct interactions between everyone weren't really shown, they did become friends -- but they all had their own lives before this. So they take their new inspirations they gained on their adventure with Mario to continue on new paths and all.

PAUSE! welcome to my STORY CRITIQUE SECTION! (Yes, I can criticize my favorite video game of all time. These problems were in the original however so it's not a remake thing.)

Listen we love Goombella threatening Beldam to never hurt Vivian again but Vivian deserved an ending outside of her life with her sisters. Yes, it's in character for her to want a happy ending with them but c'mon. Noone deserves to stick around Beldam. If you asked me I would have changed her ending with her reconciling with Marilyn and Doopliss but not Beldam because those two were also victims of Beldam -- and Doopliss literally replaced her as the scapegoat lmao. They have so much to talk about. I think that's my one critique with Vivian's storyline. Grubba never showed his face again; Beldam didn't have to either.

I can absolutely believe that Grodus ditched the full on evil act though. I mean. He's just a head now. And now he has to have his minions carry him everywhere. Plus getting incinerated at the apex of his World Conquest Plan probably killed off his motivation. He's so pathetic now. Definitely still a bad person but what is he going to do about it. Beldam however suffered no such consequences aside from … I guess getting beat up in the Palace of Shadow once? Which is unfortunate and she doesn't deserve any forgiveness from… Literally anyone. So I don't see why she would ditch being an Asshole -- especially considering unlike Grodus, the shadow queen actually respects Beldam. Beldam should feel more robbed because this was her victory that Mario & Co took from her. But I guess they just wanted to give everyone a happy ending -- I just don't think any ending with Beldam in it is happy for anyone involved.

OK BACK TO SHAMELESS GUSHING!

THE CREDIT SEQUENCE ANIMATIONS ARE SO CUTE!!! THEY MADE THE CREDITS SEQUENCE ALL ANIMATED IN THE REMAKE FOR ME!! IT IS SO . FUCKING GOOD. AND ALL THE IMAGES IN THE BACKGROUND ARE ACTUALLY UNIQUE FROM RHE GAMEPLAY??? THEY HAVE MULTIPLE PARTNERS AND UNIQUE PERSPECTIVES AND HUHHH?? THEY MADE THIS SO COOL??? I need to rewatch it because there's so many segments I love . A complete and total upgrade from the original and so much more in line with the charm from the Original Paper Mario's credit sequence . We loveeee you people who made the remake credit sequence you did this for meeee

THE REDONE PAPER MARIO 64 THEME WHEN YOU TALK TO BOW !!! I love it I listened to it in the music player a bunch … Also her and Bootlers new poses are great.

The Prince Mush fight is actually a perfect extra hard boss that takes advantage of the unique battle mechanics and I absolutely love it. Like, adding an optional boss to the remake that has to be defeated by superguarding is such a great way to put a mechanic not everyone will be using to the forefront, and that naturally makes this boss difficult until you master it. I know I failed several times, but I also had the unsimplifier badge on… Once I took that off I won without even needing to heal. Felt so cool.

The New secret fight in the Pit of Hundred Trials was also really neat ! I think I cheesed it a bit using Vivian's Veil, but the amount of damage he can rack up is crazy . Took out multiple of my partners, but I ultimately beat it the first time without even using my healing items. I still need to find out what trial stew does…

And with that, I had gotten every tattle, recipe, badge, and completed every trouble (my final trouble was removing the graffiti in the Pit of a Hundred trials, did that on the way to that secret fight you get after you had beat the pit once and some other requirements)

In Conclusion: I FUCKING LOVE TTYD !! still can’t believe this is real just reading back through my notes and looking at my screenshots, it feels like a dream. I’m so glad I got to experience this.

[kiwipineappleparasol]

This is such a Good way to put it, and it got my Brain Juices flowing so Apologies for tacking on a Ramble of my own 👻

I like Klavier well enough but only really in the sense that he's Funny -- I Struggle to find him engaging Outside of that because of a Lack of substance.

They botched the chances to make him more in depth as a character, even though one of the cases literally takes place at one of his shows, and Two of the culprits are Closely tied to him ? They could have Done Something with that but instead we hardly learn Anything about his dynamics with either of them outside of... He and Darayan getting into silly arguments over their music ? (Which is funny to be sure But it isn't exactly full of Complexities)

Considering I think Klavier says Darayan was the first detective he worked with, and ... Everything, regarding Kristoph's actions, there was alot we could've learned that was just Left Blank

And yeah, by the end of it Its hard to imagine Apollo and Klavier being more than awkward acquaintances. Their connection through Kristoph is completely Unexplored I think? Which is a Total waste.

Both of the Gavin Brothers were left kind of out to dry I think, but Klavier definitely got the shorter end of the stick considering at least Kristoph got to be the main antagonist and have ... Some Motivations (poker)

Klavier is just kind of . There? Which is a shame

Klavier Gavin deserved an arc. He could've been really interesting if he was given one. By starting him off with the ideals that the trilogy preached they didn't create much room for growth strictly in terms of politics and how he works in the courtroom because he was already ideologically aligned with the morals of 4. Which was a fantastic setup for a positive rival character. But they really didn't do anything super interesting with his character. They gave him a good work-life balance and they didn't create room to elaborate on any of his personal relationships because of that. There was still so much they could've done for him to get an arc as a character outside of the political commentary his character is supposed to make though. His feelings surrounding Daryan Crescend's arrest were really under-explored and his relationship with Kristoph is never fleshed out at all. Like the game presented that they were brothers, but we don't get to see them talk about or to each other for most of it. His dynamic with Apollo isn't even fleshed out, it just stops at Apollo being jealous of him. Klavier's feelings about Apollo aren't even stated clearly because Klav is just a guy who does his job like a professional. Him and Apollo aren't even really friends by the end of the game. They're aquaintances who may occasionally bump into eachother in the workplace. The closest we get to a contentious workplace relationship is with Ema, and she holds most of the animosity there. So he has like no defined relationships and no arc surrounding his political views when it comes to the legal system or his approach to prosecution. It feels like such a waste because I like Klavier a lot. He's funny. But fuck he's so shallow compared to the other prosecuters.

[wanderingsimsfinds]

WanderingSims Fave CC - Traditional Asian Décor List

1 - simbalances - Ohara Koson Prints

2 - ziggy28 - Virtue Asian Character Paintings (TSR)

3 - WanderingSims - Japan Wall Art

4 - chuchuwitch - Asian Paintings

5 - baufive - Flock of Woodcuts

6 - BionicZombie - 4t3 Snowy Escape Paintings

7 - baufive - Japanese Woodcuts

8 - LCC - Chinese Scroll Claborate Style Painting

9 - Devirose - Japanese Ideograms 1 (TSR)

10 - Devirose - Japanese Ideograms 2 (TSR)

11 - Devirose - Japanese Prints Collection (TSR)

12 - Devirose - Japanese Print 1 (TSR)

13 - Devirose - Japanese Print 2 (TSR)

14 - Devirose - Japanese Print 3 (TSR)

15 - Devirose - Japanese Art Collection 2 (TSR)

16 - ziggy28 - Japanese Scenes (TSR)

17 - Devirose - Japanese Art Collection 3 (TSR)

18 - Devirose - Japanese Manuscript (TSR)

19 - ziggy28 - Large Asian Cats Scroll (TSR)

20 - linasometimes - Wisteria & Blossom Paintings (TSR)

21, 25, 33, 37 - you-lust - Vaguely Japanese Pt. 1 Set (Eastern Blossoms Scroll, Blades of Masamune Wall, Japanese Cantankerous Splatter Painting, Zen Bonsai)

22, 32 - Kilhian - Japanese Painting Birds & Sea

23 - ohymysims - Painting Katsushika Hokusai

24, 27, 39-40, 52, 61 - you-lust - Vaguely Chinese Pt. 2 Set (Huabanzhu Chinese Scroll, Yuxi Winter Blossoms Scroll, MTSims Chinese Burner, The Daruma Wishing Doll, Yuxi Bamboo Slip, Shoyou Shoji Screen)

26 - MurfeeL - Wall Scrolls w/Tassels

28, 41, 70 - MurfeeL - Birthday 2020 Dump (EA WA EP Vintage Chinese Ads Framed, AMR Fan Decor Redone, Lacquer Byobu Decor)

29 - Living Dead Girl - Benjamin Bedroom Artwork Asian (TSR)

30, 38, 51, 54, 63 - you-lust - Vaguely Chinese Pt. 1 Set (Yuxi Tokonoma Series Scroll, The Little Jug of Wishes, Yuxi Dragon Scroll, Yuxi Scroll Clutter, Yuxi Ixinqin Screen)

31 - RD - From The East Wall Art

34-35, 50 - you-lust - Vaguely Japanese Pt. 2 Set (Yuxi Haruyo Morita Painting, BBSL Hanging Kimono, WFS Teapot)

36, 65-67 - KerriganHouseDesigns - Hayashi Set (Wallpanel, Floor Lamp, Golden Branch, Screen)

42-43 - you-lust - Azaya Fortune Cat & Higanbana Kokeshi Doll

44 - Martassimsbook - 4t3 novvvas Desierto Bedroom Buddha

45 - MurfeeL - Yokai E-Hon Books as Decor

46-47 - Ritsuka - Fortunate Cat & Japanese Lucky Cat

48 - Ziva-Sims - SimpleStudio404 Japanese Box Recs

49 - MurfeeL - MTCakestore Chinese Books Stackable

53 - HydrangeaChainsaw - Antique Set Chinese Table Lamp

55 - HydrangeaChainsaw - Sakura Bonsai

56 - you-lust - lisen-nymphy Buddha

57 - NoirandDarkSims - Mitarsi Kitsune

58 - SimpleStudio404 - Japanese Misc Set Emongake Deco

59 - you-lust - simaddict99 Oriental Paper Parasol

60, 68, 71-72, 76-77, 81-82 - TheNumbersWoman - Going Asian Outdoor Garden Set (Pagoda, Rock Path 2, Rock Path 1, Fountain, Ying Yang Garden, Water Feature, Deco Bridge Large, Apris Rocks Ponds) (TSR)

62 - Devirose - Japan Rug 1 (TSR)

64 - Angela - Kanto Garden Gong (TSR)

69, 73-75 - MurfeeL - C2077 Dashi no Matsuri Set (Parade Square Table Light, Parade Square Ceiling Light, Parade Round Ceiling Light, Parade Oval Ceiling Light)

78 - SIMCredible! - Asian Nook Fountain (TSR)

79 - DOT - Yard Wire Pole Lantern Mesh (TSR)

80 - SIMCredible! - Momentum Bamboo (TSR)

[y-rhywbeth2]

D&D Vampire Lore Dump #4

Weaknesses and Cures Featuring that pesky sunlight problem, and how to get around it. Overview of other limitations and weaknesses of their condition (running water, invitations, etc) and how to get around those, vampires being extremely annoying to kill and how to make them stay dead, and the four ways I know of that can cure vampirism.

OBLIGATORY DISCLAIMER FOR FIRST TIME READERS: D&D is decades old, spans five editions, several settings and hundreds of writers. One guy establishes a piece of lore, and then the next picks it up goes "nah" and writes something else. I collected info from four different source books, all from different editions, which naturally don't entirely agree on how vampires work. Lore never stays consistent and may contradict itself. You may see information somewhere else from a source I don't have that contradicts what I wrote here. If you read this and like some of this stuff but not other bits, take the good and ditch the rest. Larian themselves have not written BG3 totally compliant with some established D&D lore or the original games. If you want canon to work a certain way in your headcanons/fanfic, go ahead.

Feeding | "Biology" | Hierarchy | Weaknesses and Cures | Psychology

Sunlight is basically instant death and will kill vampires within moments of touching their bare skin. Even if vampires can walk in sunlight, vampires can't access their abilities while the sun is still in the sky. A sunstone, if left in the sunlight to "charge" take on an energy that will rebuff vampires with an effect much like sunlight exposure (but weaker) if they attack an individual wearing/holding the gemstone. This disorients them, cuts them off from many of their powers and inflicts a small amount of damage.

There are ways that allow vampires to walk in sunlight, although their powers will be disabled during daylight hours.

Liquid Night is a vampire sunscreen that will protect the wearer from sunlight.

Clearly, going off of BG3, the Netherese had magic that could do it. (Netheril, according to one story, was an empire whose initial magical foundation was specifically the school of necromancy, under the guidance of the priests of Jergal/Withers)

Fiends are happy to take/destroy your soul in exchange for the ability to walk in the day, as the Greater Vampire creating succubi can attest.

Vampires grow more powerful with age. One of those ways used to include that they became increasingly resistant to sunlight with age, and by the time they were 1000 years old they were fully immune to it. After almost two centuries of undeath, Astarion may be strong enough to avoid immediate death and this may be why he doesn't burn to a crisp immediately when the netherbrain dies.

Necromancers can create enchanted objects that protect vampires from the sun. One example being the Cloak of Dragomir in BG2.

They can also just keep to the shade or wear clothes that provide enough shelter to keep the sunlight from touching them. A deep hood or a parasol can help.

Vampires don't usually consider such things worthwhile, as they don't see much point if they lose their powers. They generallyhave no desire to be in the sunlight for its own sake as most vampires instinctually hate sunlight.

Vampires instinctually recoil from mirrors and hesitate to step in front of them. This hesitation will typically pass in seconds or moments. In 1e they had reflections, but their reflection turned the hypnotic properties of their gaze back at them or at least, they thought it could. After that they lost the reflections, and it's thought that the absence causes an instinctual distress for the remnants of the vampire's human psyche (reminding them that they're an accursed dead thing who's lost everything).

In a similar manner to their lack of reflection, vampires also do not cast shadows upon their surroundings.

-

Vampires who don't rest in/on their dirt-bed (usually a grave or coffin, sometimes a bed with a mattress stuffed with the appropriate type of soil) are destroyed. A vampire that can't get to its sanctuary before sunrise is utterly screwed. They tend to have multiple safe havens with prepared resting places, just in case. Vampires who will be traveling sometimes use a bag of holding, essentially taking their grave with them.

Some have suggested that the dirt dependency is actually just superstition and a vampire can sleep wherever it wants, but nobody's successfully convinced a vampire to take the risk of testing that.

-

As said previously, vampires are healed by negative/necrotic energy and harmed by positive/radiant energy (including heal spells)

Holy symbols can repel them, but the specifics can vary based on source. On the one hand there's one that says that the faith and belief in the holy symbol is what gives it power, and on the other there's one that says that the symbol is only useful in the hands of a priest. Only the symbols of Good and Neutral aligned deities have repelling properties. Evil clerics can still try to Command Undead however (the evil variant of Turn Undead - instead of repelling/destroying the undead you seize control of them.)

In terms of clerics and paladins attempting to Command/Turn Undead, vampires are susceptible to it, but are also the most resistant of undead, so it's difficult and risky.

-

Vampires are repulsed by garlic - it doesn't harm them and can't keep them at bay forever, but a vampire will hesitate before approaching. Some vampires also randomly develop other "allergies". Salt, rose petals, rice, mistletoe, lilies, small children singing, dove feathers… could be anything, really. It's generally linked to the individual vampire's own personality and beliefs. If they believe it should repel them then it may have warding powers against them.

-

Vampires will dissolve in bodies of running water like rivers or the ocean, because the running water forces them to turn into mist and washes them away. However, running water's only a problem if they're immersed in it. They can fly over it (be that with the fly spell or by shapeshifting into a bat), be carried over (bodily carried by a person, or in a boat, or by bridge, whatever) or use the water walk spell and just walk across like a basilisk lizard.

They are however, blocked from crossing a body of running water over three feet wide in mist form, for some reason. There's no answer for this, but I'd guess the vampire cloud picks up water particles and grows heavier, eventually sinking onto the water or something...?

At least 3/4 of the vampire's body must be submerged for it to count as immersion - and it must include the entire torso (the heart in particular must be below the water). The vampire must be held under for three minutes. It doesn't exactly kill them, but as their body is now thousands of particles distributed through the waterways, unable to reform, the vampire is effectively gone for good.

-

Vampires are also extremely annoying to kill. They can only be damaged with enchanted weapons or weapons plated with silver.

Upon death their body turns to mist and they return to their resting place, where they reform their physical body but are rendered vulnerable. A vampire can be paralysed by piercing their heart with a wooden stake... and then, sometimes, you get the unusual ones who need to be staked with a specific wood...! Once they've returned to their coffin the body must be damaged enough to be considered destroyed. Decapitation is a favourite method, but the main point is just to inflict as much damage on them as possible. Vampires begin to regenerate once they return to their coffin, and need to be dealt with quickly, hence the stake to pin them down while you start hacking them apart. Luckily for their would-be-killers they often wake up disoriented.

-

Vampires can't enter houses, or holy sites of residence like monasteries without permission, and can't enter sanctified graveyards of religious organisations. They can't enter temples, as these count as the residences of the deity worshipped there. A guest cannot invite somebody in, the invitation must come from a permanent resident.

Unless the owner of the house is the one who extends the invite, the invite only counts as a one time offer and the vampire needs to be invited again once it leaves the premise - so you can get invited in by a child, but for the ability to come and go as they please, a vampire needs permission from the parents/guardians in charge of the family and house. An invitation taken through use of enchantment magic or just plain coercion counts as a legitimate invitation.

They can also just take a third option and find a way to kill everyone inside from afar and then just walk through the door once there's nobody left alive to own the property. Also if the building no longer exists, for whatever reason (like if it mysteriously burns down), then they don't need an invite to get to whatever's inside. Or buy the building - if the vampire legally owns the house, and the residents are their tenants, then the vampire does not need an invite.

Public areas, inns, public graveyards and non-residential buildings do not count. Vampires can come and go as they please here.

Other people's graves can also count as privately owned residence upon which the vampire cannot intrude, hilariously. The final resting place of the deceased counts as belonging to them - providing they received burial rites. Vampires can however just animate the corpse and have it leave, at which point it ceases to be a resting place and they can do what they like. It's not stated whether they can also use speak with dead to ask permission.

---

There are four ways off the top of my head to cure vampirism. Most of them aren't cheap:

Firstly is the wish spell, which can be used to cure vampirism in one of two ways:

Using the spell to rewrite reality. You force reality to bend to your will and turn the vampire into a living being. Using wish this way is extremely taxing on the caster and may harm them permanently. They will basically be bedridden for a given amount of time and there's something around a one in three chance that you'll never be able to cast the spell again.

In its 5e variant, wish can replicate the effect of any spell below 8th level (including resurrection) while ignoring all the requirements of the spell itself.

Next up is divine intervention. Deities can remove vampirism, though the extent and conditions may be limited by their portfolio.

Amaunator (the ancient Netherese sun god, precursor to Lathander) had a temple over in Amn. You have to take the vampire and the heart of the vampire who turned them to the statue of the ancient sun god in an abandoned temple, place the vampire in the arms of the statue with the heart and it completes a ritual that restores them to life. This was part of a quest in Baldur's Gate 2 where your love interest (who may have been Jaheira) was turned into a vampire and needed curing.

Eldath, a minor goddess of peace, has also been known to restore some level of mortal life to unhappy vampires.

And then resurrection spells. The time limit on resurrection exists because when calling a soul back to its body there are numerous obstacles.

The body needs to be in a state fit to go on living. If it's too damaged or decayed putting the soul back is a waste of time.

The soul must be both willing and able to return. It has to still exist, to start with. If the soul has a new life it probably can't be recovered (be that by being sent back to the material plane for reincarnation in another life, or remade as a fiend or celestial). If the soul has been absorbed by their deity or into the fabric of the planes it can't be recovered. If the soul has been destroyed then you're shit out of luck.

The longer the target has been dead, the more likely the above scenarios are true and that the spell will fail. Also restoring a body and calling a soul from across the planes is extremely powerful, taxing magic that's hard to pull off, which makes it harder to succeed. Hence the time limit.

Vampires have the advantage that their body is perfectly preserved and intact and the soul is still on the material plane, and there's an argument to be made that this makes them resurrect-able.

Greater vampires are not resurrect-able as their soul is either annihilated or has been taken to the Lower Planes and tortured until the person has been turned into one of two varieties of barely sentient blobs of rancid flesh trapped in eternal agony. Wish may still work, but it may have a 50/50 chance of failure.

There's also the elven High Magic spell Gift of Life, which as it says on the tin, restores an undead being back to life. The catch with this one is that knowledge of high magic is dying out, so finding an elven archmage who can and will cast it on you is extremely difficult and probably involves a lot of favours and proving yourself.

[eldritch-spouse]

For Breg, Grimbly, Santi, Patches, Ludwig, Obie, and Mervin.

They walk into their S/O's place to find them laying on kitchen tile in only their underwear, with a box fan in front of a cooler full of ice. Their AC unit broke, and it's 40c (104f) outside

(The fan in my AC unit broke, it's 104 (and rising) outside, I'm in California)

[Yeah, I'm very glad I can stand the heat and cold pretty well.]

Your AC broke

Breg feels sorry for you. He loves the heat! It's great. Seeing you in this state is horrendous though, so he tries to pet you to make you feel better- Only to get told off when you realize he's boiling hot from being out in the sun deliberately. He uh- He can get you more fans? But can you please stay in just your panties?

Grimbly gets you, mostly because of the sun. He's going to whine until you share the ice with him and he's going to close all your windows for a bit or open his goth parasol to block out every bit of light.

Santi is another one that feels pity. He's used to living in Hell, where it's always hot, and he's basically naked as much as possible. 40°c is nothing to him. He's going to chuckle and drag ice cubes around your skin just to see you shiver, while he makes small talk and orders you a much better AC unit.

Patches, as an undead, doesn't feel temperature very intensely at all. That's why he doesn't really notice it right away when he gets burned, or can be put in a freezer for long periods of time. He'll get you more fans for now, you poor thing. B- But, you know, you can always take your panties off? They'll be sweaty in a bit...

Ludwig, like a complete cock, dumps cold water on you. It's a massive temperature shock and you should definitely stab him in the slit for it. He can make more ice for you, but he's also going to spend most of his time there making the hem of your panties snap back onto your ass.

Obie does get more ice, but it's a bit pointless when he grabs a handful and starts chewing it. Only to then trail his freezing tongue up your back and neck. He's definitely doing this to taste your sweat. He will lick over your panties, trying to weasel his tongue under them.

Mervin is another one that immediately starts looking for better AC units. In the meanwhile, he'll start a bath with just the right temperature and bitch at you until you get in. You want to keep your panties on?! Fine, it's not like he wants to see your pussy! Yes he does, please please please take them off- Just get in there!

[kiwipineappleparasol]

(You made the Grave Mistake of putting a post about the Phantom Twist in front of Me. Apologies Ahead Of Time.)

I agree. I absolutely agree with this. (I have a Ton of thoughts on the Phantom Twist and Fulbright as a character I plan to go into on my own time, but that's neither here nor there.)

Basically: Engarde is a good twist, the Phantom twist just... isn't, and I think you both explained well why that is -- don't want to step on any toes here.

However I want to "Quickly" Ramble about something as another point of Comparison between these two: and it's the Psychelocks. How they work to great effect in Engarde's case, and how they fundamentally sabotage the Phantom Twist before it even happens.

Phoenix, right off the bat (from what I can recall -- it's been awhile) asks if Engarde killed anyone. And he didn't! Not directly, anyways. So no Psychelocks show up. But when you get down to the wire and Phoenix finally realizes that he's involved, the Psychelocks show up regarding his involvement -- ultimately leading to Engarde revealing his true intentions. It's a good use of this mechanic and adds to the tense nature of the case.

So. Okay. Imagine Phoenix asking if the killer in a case knew anything about...The killer, and they said No. And Psychelocks didn't show up. Not only that, This Character also previously had Psychelocks unrelated to their Supposed Crimes -- Psychelocks based around morality they Shouldn't Have if they're Secretly Emotionless and Evil -- Psychelocks that showed up after they were asked about having an Ulterior Motive. AND, on top of all this, Phoenix explicitly takes note that a lack of Psychelocks means someone isn't lying In The Same Case (well, same case in universe, anyways - not the same case in gameplay) And Imagine if this is never mentioned or touched upon in any way. Sounds like an Awful Way to utilize this mechanic in Comparison.

...................... Well! Do I have news about the Phantom Twist! (some screenshots taken from the Ace Attorney Wiki's Transcript of the Cosmic Turnabout)

(Fulbright having Psychelocks + them being triggered by a question of "Ulterior Motive" regarding his attitude towards the case)

(What his Psychelocks were hiding - Something that seems to go against his sense of justice Which he Probably shouldn't have as the culprit)

(Fulbright being asked if he knows anything about the Phantom, and there not being a Psychelock in Sight)

(Phoenix outright saying a Lack of Psychlocks means a Lack of Lying)

Not only do I think this twist bad from a writing perspective, it's just impossible in universe. I rest my case 💼 (Until I Inevitably Reopen it Again)

engarde and the phantom are both the twist villains of cases that revolve around their reveal but farewell is written to make the twist as satisfying as possible where tomorrow is written to make the twist as shocking as possible

by the beginning of the second investigation you basically know engarde is involved, but you don’t know how or why - the investigation all builds up to the confrontation and reveal, which is exciting and satisfying in part because you probably figured it out ahead of time. his personality and scars are a surprise, making the twist more dramatic, but the predictability of his involvement is used to develop a creeping dread through the case, as you get there a step before phoenix

it’s good writing and an excellent reveal - it makes you feel smart because it gave you everything you needed to get there first, only withholding his motive and true nature, which he tells you himself right then! big moment of excitement, feels good, feels important

tomorrow does not give the player an inch - you can’t possibly figure out the twist ahead of time, because you are not given the information to do so. the twist happens and then you are told everything. this is a more shocking twist, because there’s no way you predicted it, but a replay or reflection on it makes it irritating

this comparison is apt because the writers are clearly trying to make fulbright engarde again, but miss - engarde pre-reveal is intentionally pretty bland, which we then find out is a facade for a ridiculous insane corny saturday-morning-cartoon villain who is card-carrying evil and having a great time. engarde is a fun villain because he’s having fun! the core issue with fulbright as an engarde copy is that his pre-reveal personality is more fun than his true self. it’s like introducing engarde’s evil mode and then revealing that he’s actually only doing this because his agent told him to

[chroniclyillpolybat]

Why is it that when you suddenly become chronically ill, you can feel so lonely and disconnected from everyone? Is it just me, or is this feeling part of the journey of figuring out who you are now that you have limitations you’re struggling to accept?

Since February, I’ve noticed my health declining, even after I switched to a Mediterranean diet and managed to lose about 50 lbs. But then the pain kicked in, making it hard to walk some days. And when summer arrived, things got tougher. I started developing a butterfly rash and other rashes every time I was in the sun, which hurt even though I never got sunburned. I used to be the kind of person who would tan effortlessly after just ten minutes in the sun. This summer, I felt more like a vampire, trying to avoid sunlight at all costs. I even bought a cute little parasol so I could enjoy being outside when I needed to.

I feel like I’ve been stuck in the grieving phase, realizing that this isn’t just going to go away. I need to learn how to navigate daily life while managing chronic illness. Yes, I’m sad, and yes, everything hurts all the time, but just sitting around feeling down isn’t going to change anything. I really want to find a way out of this pit of despair and move toward acceptance.

Part of me thinks I need to ignite some passion within myself. But where do I start? Maybe I should be more open about what I’m going through. I’m working hard at being a good stay-at-home mom, but it can feel overwhelming. Since I can’t work at the moment, why not focus on personal growth? I’ve got a big house that usually stays pretty tidy, but I struggle with finding a consistent schedule. My ADHD loves order, but my body doesn’t always cooperate.

I genuinely want to be a great mother and partner at home. I want to lighten the load for everyone else so that I feel like I contribute something meaningful. Finding that purpose is key for me—I want to wake up excited to take on the day, even if I have a flare-up. Maybe it’s a bit of a dream, but why not give it a shot?

I’ve been searching for other moms who may not have it all figured out at home but are managing chronic illness while trying to improve themselves. I couldn’t find any! If you know of anyone, please DM me, tag them, or let me know how I can connect. So what’s my next step?

First up: shifting my mindset. I need to stop wallowing and start making a plan. Just changing my perspective and looking for the positives helps a lot (especially when I'm not on prednisone; it makes it easier to not feel sad or angry).

Next, I might try a brain dump—writing down everything I want to accomplish around the house, including what a 'perfect' schedule would look like. Then, I can color-code tasks based on importance, so I know what to focus on each day. On days when I’m flaring, I can start with the essentials and see how much I can do after resting.

I’m still in the early stages, but I wanted to share my thoughts with you. If anyone has ideas or strategies that work for them, I’d love to hear your suggestions!

Thanks for taking the time to read my ramblings! I’m thinking about documenting my journey as a stay-at-home mom dealing with ADHD, BPD, and chronic illness. Who knows? Maybe that’ll be the next step!

[fairyhaos]

i was at the beach earlier so imagine going to the beach w svt members, esp maknaes and 97z, dk loving the water like a little kid while mingyu is throwing everyone around and going on the most dangerous slides w dino like they have 9 lives like cats bc he def can’t say no to their dear maknae😭💀, vernon just chillin w legs in the water, rarely going in, or reading a book and listening to music w hao who is sipping a cocktail like the rich fancy man he is, and kwannie shouting his lungs off bc the others are splashing water on him while he is under the the shade of an umbrella putting on sunscreen 😭

the maknaes + 97z at the beach omllll this is chaos

it was a spontaneous trip for sure (blame mingyu) but they all lowkey had so much fun. no one packed enough for anything, like. seungkwan is wearing dokyeom's spare pants after getting his soaked in the sea. they had to go buy sunscreen bc everyone forgot. and chan is the one paying for everything bc dokyeom never pays, minghao forgot his pin code, and both mingyu + vernon brought their wallets but found them both empty

dokyeom is definitely splashing everyone with water omg. asks chan to buy him an overpriced bucket from the store and is constantly carrying water up the beach to dump over minghao's legs while the guy tries to sleep. ends up having the bucket stolen by vernon who makes sandcastles with chan like little kids :>

mingyu is somehow playing volleyball shirtless with a bunch of college kids, and seungkwan is sulking under the parasol bc he went into the water but forgot he had no swimming trunks so now his ass is wet and he's sitting in dokyeom's oversized pants :(((

and then they stop for fish and chips before going home and mingyu gets his chips stolen. not by a seagull, just by chan, but the others make him believe that it had been a seagull instead lmao

fics tags: @jeonginssa @weird-bookworm @minhui896 @bunnyiix @slytherinshua @haowrld @belladaises @moonlitskiiies @mirxzii @butiluvu @zozojella @kawennote09 @thedensworld @a-wandering-stay @abibliolife @doublasting @wonranghaeee @icyminghao @sweet-like-caramel @your-yxnnie @evasaysstuff @odxrilove @kyeomyun @crackedpumpkin @jeonride

[wisted-twunderland]

TWST boys go to the beach!

Heartslabyul

Ace: Challenges Deuce to a game of beach volleyball that ends up turning into an all out war that lasts the majority of the day

Deuce: He imagined coming to the beach and enjoying the sun and the surf for a relaxing time, but those dreams quickly dissolved when Ace began talking smack and challenged him to beach volleyball.

Cater: Doesn't care about the activities as long as he gets THE PICS. Volleyball shot, a selfie with a watermelon slice, and of course a moving sunset shot. #summer #NRC #nightravens4lyfe

Trey: He's like the dad of the group and everyone who forgot to bring sunscreen and doesn't want to buy it double the normal price from Azul goes to him. He lays on the beach under an umbrella and yells things like "Don't go too far out" every so often.

Riddle: Doesn't know how to swim, so he sits on the beach and hopes no one finds out he can't swim. Eventually Azul can't stand to watch him stew any longer, and gets in the water with him to teach him a few basics.

Savannaclaw

Leona: Naps in the sun on a beach towel until Lillia hovers above him and dumps a bucket of sea water on him. Leona chases him for a while, but eventually it is decided that a game of chicken in the water is the only fair way to settle this.

Ruggie: Once his empty tupperwares have all been filled with edible seaweed (it's nutritious OKAY) he enjoys roughhousing in the water. Sits on Leona's shoulders for the game of chicken.

Jack: Joins Deuce's team for volleyball doubles. Eats an insane amount of watermelon. Everyone asks him how he got such a sweet beach bod and he's very embarrassed.

Octavinelle

Azul: Comes to the beach with zero intention of getting in the water. He walks up and down the beach surveying the area for potential secondary Mostro Lounge locations. Eventually settles under an umbrella with a drink and fields work phone calls. Offers bottled water and suncreen to his classmates at double the store price.

Jade: Comes to the beach not in a swim suit, but in his outdoor gear. He spends the day hiking the hills and cliffs around the beach to "observe the flora and fauna."

Floyd: Changes into his eel form and has a great time popping out of the water to scare people or pulling them under by their ankles.

Scarabia

Kalim: This guy loves a day at the beach and will participate in all of it. Wants to sit on Jamil's shoulders for a chicken fight but Jamil firmly declines, no matter how much Kalim begs and pleads.

Jamil: Brought a speaker to listen to music while soaking up rays. He calls Kalim in every 2 hours or so to reapply his sunscreen. (He also brought extra water if you need some.)

Pomfiore

Vil: It's rare for him to spend a day at the beach outside of a photo or film shoot, and he comes fully protected from the sun with a hat, coverup, parasol, the works (skin cancer and premature aging are no joke, especially in his line of work). All of this goes out the window however when Ace antagonizes him into joining his team for volleyball doubles.

Rook: Marvels at the beauty of the sea, and especially remarks on the glistening beauty of youthful friends together on the beach during a fleeting summer and what a beautiful and treasured memory it will become. (???)

Epel: Really really wants to be part of the manly chicken fight, but Rook and Vil won't pair up with him. Ends up collecting pretty shells on the beach to give to his mom and his meemaw.

Ignihyde

Idia: He comes, but only because he wants it to be just like the beach episode of every anime ever. Brings the watermelon for the watermelon smash (which Jack smashes in one hit, to Idia's great dismay). He keeps going on about a cave down the beach that's haunted and something about a test of courage, but no one really gets what he's talking about.

Ortho: Excited to enjoy the beach, as his latest model of body is completely waterproof! Ends up being the only person going to the cave with Idia at low tide (Idia only goes a few feet in before he gets spooked, but assures Ortho that he will "definitely do it next year").

Diasomnia

Malleus: Arrives to the beach wearing a wetsuit that goes from wrist to ankle (everyone is collectively underwhelmed). Doesn't participate much, but observes all of the various human beach activities. Secretly enjoys himself immensely.

Lillia: After what he did to Leona he ends up on Sebek's shoulders for a chicken fight. Once it's all over he relaxes on the beach with a chilled tomato juice, as befits an older gentleman.

Sebek: He doesn't really understand why or how Lillia ends up on his shoulders, but as soon as Lillia says something about it being to "defend Lord Malleus' honor" Sebek is all in. Really gives it his all to win the fight of chickens so Malleus will see his victory and praise him (he doesn't).

Silver: falls asleep on the beach before applying sun screen and ends up burned (but not completely, as Lillia had written "I <3 my Dad" across his torso in sunscreen at some point).

[kiwipineappleparasol]

It Would be Sad, and It Really Does Doesn't It 😈 (<- finds it Funny) Ace Attorney sometimes has Disney Movie Parent Logic though For Real. Either something fucked up happened Or they just Are Not Mentioned 💀 I can see Filling in the gaps there for when it's Left Up in the Air for sure (I just personally find it interesting that in Fulbright's case in particular, family IS brought up -- and due to the Strangely Written Circumstances of the Phantom Twist, it's plausible to read it as the Phantom's lie sucked so bad Because there was Noone to name Lmao .)

(Sidenote, as far as the instance I'm aware of, he doesn't even say Wife . He says (Gender Non Specific) Lover. I knew this was the case on the Wiki Transcripts but I even double checked the Game Itself just in Case. Wild )

(Feel free to Locate the missing Wife Moment to correct me on this one If I missed it Of Course) And If Fulbright had friends before the whole ... Incident 👻 I definitely see them being be Work Related like that. Never Actually considered what Fulbright and Meekins Interactions would be like but it sounds like a recipe for Comedy. and the Ema and Fulbright dynamic has some Untapped potential . Reminded me of an Old Cursed 2 second Scribble of mine from like, early-ish 2022 lmao

Also I tend to Ignore that part Myself since I usually operate off AUs where the whole Impersonation Thing ... Didn't Happen! But tackling that Could Lead interesting places -- although I Too am more for Lighthearted Shenanigans and Comedy in general, so it's moreso like "what ifs" that I personally don't care to explore in depth Outside the premise, but I'm sure someone Could do something cool with it 🤔

what if, in a Bobby Lives au, he was comatose and wakes up from the coma, only to have amnesia? he can't remember who he is, and no one else can be sure of how to jog his memory, because they only met the Phantom, and they don't know how accurate the Phantom's portrayal was...

this could be a whole moment...

[jadeazora]

Secret rares from Raging Surf are starting to be revealed! Shauntal and the Parasol Lady have nice cards.

Also, today's TCG Instagram art dump features Pokémon and planes. Liking the Plusle and Minun:

[kiwipineappleparasol]

Highlights from Last Night of me playing the TTYD Remake Prologue: (the most minor of spoilers but I found so much joy in these things that I don't want to rob anyone of Finding it for Themselves)

My mother saying Rogueport from the distance looked like Florida . And then proceeded to take it back after squinting at the screen .

THE GRAPHICS ARE SOOO GOOD . the music ..... The everything....

WHEN YOU GET A NEW PARTY MEMBER THEY'RE ADDED TO THE TITLE SCREEN . also the title screen music ???? Holy shitttttt . I love the little ghost sounding whistle ? Part .

EVERY NPC HAS NEW POSES. THEY DID THIS FOR ME!!!!!! My favorites are the Doogans the Bandits and the Bomb-ombs . But also Everyone is so fucking cute ...

You can . Hit literally everyone . Over the head with your hammer . YOU CAN HIT YOUR PARTNERS TOO . I WAS BEYOND ESTATIC . my Mother of course encouraged me to hit everyone.

I beat Gus with no items in the prologue and I got this Vaguely Amusing Clip from it.

[meep9898]

How have the girls been dealing with this summer heat?

This is going to be a long one.

She's spending part of her days sitting by a fan because everyone is seemingly doing the same. Why are they doing it? She's not really sure. The heat? No, she isn't bothered by it in the slightest.

Since the beach is relatively close, she's going for a swim every day, though she's spending more time struggling to fit into her bathing suit than actualy swimming.

Thankfully, there's airconditioning at Simtech, so she's clocking in as many extra hours as she can in order to avoid dealing with the terrible heat. Plus, she's saving money in electricity bills.

Rika's lounging around her hideout wearing nothing but her underwear. She's not worried about the stares, for if anyone dares look at her, they're getting a fist to the face.

A mind as sharp as hers ccanot allow itself to be hindered by the heat, so sh's investigating holding a parasol as walks along the streets. If you spot her, you'll most likely see her sipping on a milshake or enjoying a popsicle. What? It's the heat's fault!

She's also going to the beach most days. However, instead of trying to stay away from the heat, she's sunbathing, taking advantage of the sun. Summer's were relatively cooler back in France.

M.A.I. has tempertaure receptors all over her body, so in spite of being an android, she's just as bothered by the heat as most normal people would. She's managed to convinced her master to buy her an ice-cream a couple of times.

"Thou calls this heat? The flames of Muspelheim would burn thee to ashes in an instant. Pathetic!"

She's dumping a whole bucket of water on herself at the end of each concerts. It looks cool and it helps her stay cool. Plus, Stevie says that's part of the 'show' that fans want to see.

[findusinaweek]

Happy Things Questions! :D

13, 14, 21, 49

Hi! Hello ainulindaelynn! Also, seeing your posts always makes me happy because you are so, so very nice! I hope you have a good morning!

13) pen or pencil?

Mechanical pencil because I like the weight and the bluntness/sharpness of the lead.

14) What are some places you feel most at home?

My tio's house! Every time I visit it's so beautiful. I like the bright green next to the red dirt. It makes the sky seem bluer. And there are 15+ types of fruit trees! Mango (the best I've ever had, religious experience eating one), banana, passion fruit, avocado, tangerine, orange, those weird brazilian fruits that start with J, all sorts. My grandpa brings fresh cassava (so huge! Hard to dig up! My tias fry it or boil it and then dump butter on it and hmmmmm!) and milk over from his farm. My younger brother lives there, I'm very happy for him to be surrounded by such living family. My tia has a outside and inside kitchen and estroganofe de frango made on the woodstove is the best food in the world. Also, she has the best smile. I might be jealous of my brother. It's a row of houses on a cobblestone road up a hill in rural RJ. Chickens and pigs and the best views of the hills. I almost always take a nap because I feel so safe.

21) favorite period in art history, famous work, or favorite style of art?

I like Impressionists, even though that's not my favorite style of art, my favorite painting is Monet (Woman with a Parasol) and my favorite sculpture is Degas (Little Dancer Aged 14). I like learning about their lives (Degas, you asshole) and the struggles of starting a new style and being hated for it. My favorite style is for artists whose works I actually enjoy most of, it's John Singer Sargent. He mixes impressionism with realism in a way I just adore. I'd like to do stuff like that, impressionist backgrounds with realist portraits.

49) what's your favorite thing to do when it's raining?

Oh, depends on where I am? I like sleeping a lot, just relaxing to the sound until I drop off. Also, a fan of watching it from my grandma's porch. I also just like sitting in a car to watch the rain.

Thanks for asking! Here is the view near my tio's house.

[ponds-of-ink]

Mini Help Wanted theory time. Also, minor spoilers for the next Tales from the Pizzaplex book.

Edwin was the guy that came in and dumped all the old circuit boards at Silver Parasol. Why? Because some of the Mimic’s code was in one of those circuit boards and he thought for sure the transfer process would kill it. Little did he know...

[phantomrose96]

"Jolene won't stop thinking about cheating on his wife." Anne takes a long swig of her latte, dramatic, as if there were something Irish about the syrup she'd dumped into the cup. "It's all I get. I'm going insane. The new girl at work is all 'bazonga' and 'waoooooga' and... like that. It's disgusting. Jolene has 2 or 5 kids, by the way. Literally. Disgusting."

I nod sympathetically. Jolene is not the name of Anne's soulmate. But those details are always fuzzy. You don't ever get important things, like names and addresses. You just get inklings, and notions, and emotions, and actions, and--absolute worst of all--song lyrics stuck in your soulmate's head.

Anne's soulmate, in a move Anne is positive was a matter of psychological warfare against her, had Dolly Parton's Jolene on an 8-hour loop for the better part of a month. And thus, Jolene.

"That's awful," I add, and I sip, and I pretend for the 47th time to not notice the man watching me from the far table. He's half-obscured by the parasol parked in the table center. It's kinda funny. Like when Lola my cat thinks she's hiding halfway behind the kitchen door. He's been following me since the morning.

"What about you, Cassidy? It's like I never hear about your soulmate. There's no way he's boring."

"He's... fine," I answer, which is an answer potently weird to give.

"Cassidy, come on. Any more threesomes?"

"Alleged threesomes," I correct, for no real reason. "It felt like there was... more than one woman, but I could--"

"'More than one.' So not necessarily two?"

"It could be any amoun--"

"How many, Cassidy?"

"I can't guess."

"Guess."

"Maybe 5."

"5?"

"Or 7. Look. I don't--" I wanna say 'I don't wanna talk about it. It's gross' but as always all my words go through the mental filter I have in place that makes me select my words in a way that won't piss Alejandro off. (Lady Gaga. He was on a Lady Gaga kick and 'Alejandro' off her EP 'The Fame Monster' was his--) anyway. This concern for Alejandro's feelings was all laughable, maybe, for a man who--.

"Cassidy, he's like uber-rich, yeah? Give me something." Anne raises her right hand to her temple and presses her fingers to her forehead, like she is tending to a headache. "Sorry--I'm being informed about the Dallas Cheerleader outfits. 'Skanks', is the assessment, but Jolene would fuck them all in a heartbeat. Anyway, tell me. Your guy. What does he do every day? What do you see? You get to tune in for a limousine ride lately? Penthouse hotel suite? I'm begging you for anything interesting. I'm drowning in Infidelity Accountant Man over here."

This. Me censoring myself. It is all laughable, for sure, for a man who wants me dead.

"I don't know. I try to drown it out." I take another sip of my coffee. I hardly taste it.

Alejandro has a hit out on my life.

I know this. And I don't know what to do about it.

So I'm drinking coffee with Anne.

And the man at the parasol table in the far corner of the parking-lot-turned-dining-area watches me longer.

...

Anne lingers for 10 minutes longer than she can afford to stay, rushing the details of daycare drama while her phone alarm blares at her--snoozed, rumble, snoozed, rumble, snoozed--

"Shit, okay. I really need to pick Lu up. She's texting me." Anne stashes her phone in her pocket, and grabs her purse, and leaves her empty latte cup on the table with the confidence of someone who is certain the cafe staff are meant to bus these tables. I'm never sure. I always bring my coffee cup inside.

Today, for the last time, maybe.

"Tell Lu I say hi," I say, kind of awkwardly, even though I've only met Anne's niece twice. In my defense, I'm not really sure what parting words I should deliver right before I get murdered.

Anne nods, so this is at least not overly weird, and she parks her sunglasses on her face and scoots her way out from the tables. She passes parasol man, who is still there and still watching me. And suddenly, I am alone.

Well, me and parasol guy.

(And everyone else in the outdoor seating area.) But, it's a metaphorical aloneness.

And I... linger. I sip my empty coffee. I watch the little birds who hop around and quirk their heads for croissant crumbs. I hope, maybe, hitmen operate on T-rex logic, and if I don't move, he simply won't do anything.

I wonder if I have any regrets. If there's anything I wish I'd done. But nothing is coming to me in the moment. Sky diving, I think. But that's stupid. I don't want to sky dive. That sounds kinda awful, actually.

Parasol man steals forward a table, and then to the right. He's un-parasoled and un-covered from his funny little cover. He's behind me, and I don't turn to watch him because it feels weird to stare. He's sitting with his back to me and flicks open with impressive power a newspaper he'd had stashed in his pocket.

"Cassidy Whitman. Your life is in danger. Do not look at me. Do not think about me. Stare forward and concentrate on how many different models of car you notice in the parking lot."

Oh. Diversion tactic. It's the sort of thing to try to mask what's getting relayed to your soulmate. Too bad I don't really know kinds of car. I was 21 when I learned the difference between an SUV and a sedan.

"Are you here to kill me?" I ask the hitman. There's a blue big car, like kind of a robin's egg blue. There's a red big truck.

"... No," the hitman says.

"Oh. Are you saying that to make me feel better?" There's a small sedan with a decal of a big boobie anime girl. I think about Jolene. I wonder if he likes big boobie anime decals.

"I'm not here to kill you, Cassidy." His voice drops, and I feel the way his head swings closer to me. "But there is a hit out on your life."

"Yeah, I know," I say. There's a black car. There's another black car which looks like the first but it's kinda boxier. There's a white car. "I think Alejandro put it on me last night. I felt this feeling like... I wanted me dead, and also that I was gonna die soon." And it was different from having that feeling in grad school, which was due to the grad school.

"...Alejandro?" my hitman asks.

"Oops. My soulmate. He likes Lady Gaga."

"He's... Okay." Yellow car with a funny bumper sticker. It says 'Honk if you love your soulmate'. "Do you know why your soulmate has a target on your back?"

"It's probably the 3am Ben and Jerry's," I say, but really, I'm a little bit offended. All things considered, I've been a very reasonable soulmate. I save most of my panic spirals for daylight hours, which is hard to do when it's 4am now and you're confident your entire life has been a waste.

I don't even think about important things during my insomnia episodes. I don't keep music on repeat. I keep my 'use stupid babytalk on Lola' between the hours of 7pm and 9pm, unless she's doing something really baby.

I'm not a cannibal. I don't have weird sex, or any sex. I haven't killed anyone. I'm really the WAY better soulmate than Alejandro, who's got his "blow up at people in big important meetings where he fires guys he hired to tell him he's important" and his "weird sex talk to strippers who are disenjoying it as much as I am" and the "cocaine parties" and--if I'm honest--Alejandro likes the Dallas Cheerleaders outfits just as much as Infidelity Jolene.

I'm the victim, here.

"He wants quiet, yes. And the only way he can achieve this... is to kill you," Mr. Parasol says with dramatic effect. I kinda wish the wind picked up for him in that moment. It sounded like he wanted it to.

Oops, I forgot about the cars. White sedan. It's a little dented.

"And you're a hitman, and you're here to kill me," I tell him. Oh, red moped. Mopeds always seemed so dangerous to me. I'm glad Alejandro doesn't ride one. Or maybe I wish Alejandro did. Maybe he'd have crashed and died by now, so I wouldn't have to.

"My story is... complicated," says Mr. Hitman who's here to kill me. "I have... a sordid past. I've done reprehensible things. Things I cannot ever take back. Cannot ever repent for. God alone can judge my--"

"Are you gonna kill me here? I just think it wouldn't be very nice to this cafe if I got murdered here." I'm not even joking. I like these lattes. I even recognize one of the baristas, when she's here. I really don't want to make them deal with the bad PR of my brains being all over their tables. And parasols.

Oh, green car.

"Cassidy Whitman I am not here to murder you. I'm here to save you," the sire of sordid pasts declares. I should be relieved but there's a 'but' here. There's obviously a 'but.'

"But?"

"But others will come to kill you. This is certain." I look at him, even though I probably shouldn't. He's peering over the newspaper with eyes of pure gray steel. He's handsome, in a tortured way. I should introduce him to Anne.

"That's not good," I say.

Blue Steel lets out an exasperated noise. He throws his newspaper down. Blue truck.

"Your soulmate. Your.... Alejandro. has sent a message to the entire underworld, and it is your head he wants on a plate. His reward is astronomical. Your death is certain. And once upon a time, I would be exactly the sort of ruthless hitman who'd take this up. In my day, I was the most feared, the most renowned, the most--"

Shit. This was gonna be a hassle, whatever it was. I deserve none of this.

"--but the orphanage... it was a final straw. I looked on my past and I realized how far I've strayed... How Susanne would never love the man I'd become, even if this was for her--"

Oh. Yellow convertible. It's got mirror dice.

"--the likes of the man, who I was now, if I could even deign to call myself a man--"

Brown truck.

"--whom you've dubbed Alejandro... you can say, we have a mutual enemy in him--"

Shit. I have an enemy. After I've lived my life trying my absolute hardest to never make anyone mad at me, ever.

"--and there is one way you can save yourself, Cassidy Whitman, but I need your agreement. I need your commitment. I need to know you'll do what it takes to survive. Even if it means--"

Red truck.

"--blood on your own hands. Alejandro has harmed more than just you, Cassidy. He has more blood on his hands than just yours. I need someone stronger than myself, someone who can vow the cycle of violence ends with her--"

Blue... Tacoma...? No, no that's not a Tacoma.

"--committed yet strong and resolute in her gentle nature, who the darkness cannot consume once the first taste of blood bled for her has touched her lips--"

What does a Tacoma even look like?

"--what do you say?"

There is a hand proffered in front of my face. It's in hand-shake form. It's got a little bit of sweaty newsprint on it.

"Huh?" I ask. Purple Beetle.

"Work with me, Cassidy Whitman. And together we will kill Alejandro."

Fuck, that was all the cars.

I'm fresh out of cars.

I don't actually wanna die. I really don't think I deserve that. Lola would be sad if I died. At least for a little while. And I still wanna try charcuterie sometime. And poledancing, maybe, I dunno. I saw it on Tiktok. But it would be fun to try.

I really kinda don't want to die.

And I guess Alejandro needs to die first, if I'm gonna be the one to not die.

I clasp my hand in Mr. Hitman's. I shake on what he has offered.

He proffers a smile for me, which is roughly how I imagine smiles look when authors use the word "smoldering."

"We'll see this through to the end, Cassidy. I offer you my loyalty, and my word. Alejandro's days are numbered."

A new car pulls into the lot. Black sedan.

YA Soulmate Romance novel where everyone, by the time they turn 16, becomes aware of their soulmate. A person tied to them by the soul, whose thoughts and actions are relayed vaguely over the binding and unbreakable connection they share.

Except, as best science can figure it, the connection is completely random and the other person is, with no greater significance, really just Some Guy.

Some people do marry their someguymate out of conviction that the connection must mean something, but those marriages statistically fare much worse than non someguymate marriages. As it turns out, marrying someone with no existing chemistry, who unfortunately is aware of all your emotions and actions, isn't a stable foundation for a marriage.

A highly profitable sector of technology blooming in the "someguymate-blocking" market, both for personal privacy and MORE than that, to silence all the annoying fucking updates you receive constantly from your someguymate. Endless pseudoscience and homeopathic remedies to dampen signals. White noise machines that advertise themselves as "sleep restorative" and "someguymate notification blocking"

Unfortunate person whose someguymate is in an opposite timezone, trying to sleep at 3am while being bombarded with "your someguymate is driving to work" "your someguymate is getting a coffee" "your someguymate is mad at this traffic" "your someguymate goes car horn honk honk honk honk". Statistically, you're actually lucky if your someguymate shares a timezone even close to yours

High profile terrorist with a tight and well-armed protective unit. Authorities don't try to go after him, and instead try to find his someguymate, who's a middle school teacher in Iowa who constantly hears car bombs.

Befuddled mother walking into a police department, unsure who to report this to, but her someguymate just killed someone. maybe. probably. It was unclear. There was gun fire and some driving into the woods. And maybe that was unrelated to the gun fire but the big heavy thing her someguymate pulled out of the truckbed was almost definitely related.

A lucrative, and highly expensive black market of private investigators and hitmen, paid in secret to set their mark to a rich and powerful man's someguymate, because their client just wants some peace and quiet. Just some peace and quiet. For once.

The someguymate of this rich and powerful man, receiving an inkling she doesn't fully understand, but knowing with icy certainty she is suddenly in danger.