#Diwali season | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

creatingnikki · 1 year ago

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It's about a week until Diwali. The year is ending and it may be the festive season but there is a sense of longing and nostalgia and sweet sorrow in the air.

I think of how I was spending this time last year. I think of you. I decide to respond to your texts from yesterday. It's not like I don't miss you or think about you. It's just — what even is the point?

Me: Hi, Happy Friyay! You: I'm stacked with work. Me: Okay, I'll leave you to it, then. You: Don't.

You ask me to stay and I ask why. You say you have something important to talk to me about. I sense it. That's not like you. I ask you to call me right away. And you do.

You're at work, in the office I would have been at too if I hadn't moved back to my city. It's raining — it's always raining in Bangalore. You say you have something to ask me. That you finally have the courage. But you're a bit afraid. I tell you to not be stupid and spill, it's me.

You ask, would you have dated me? I keep thinking about how lonely I am and how exhausting the dating process is. And my mind always comes back to you. I always had you. So, would you date me?

At 5:30 on a Friday evening as I am trying to wrap up work, I was not expecting to hear this. Of course, I have thought about it before. We are very different as people and yet, we are us.

I would have been open to the possibility, yes, I say, but not as an option because you're lonely and you don't have anyone else.

Are you mad? You are never an option, not as a friend, not as a lover, you say immediately.

And I sit through this unexpected call with you. Sensing your sadness, sensing your loneliness, sensing your need to always be strong and act like nothing fazes you because you are a 'man'. But you're leaving for home tomorrow, I know it's hard. It comes with its own set of worries and anxieties.

Last year, you and I spent the day and night together before you were leaving for home for Diwali. Now you say you wish I was here today too.

We joke about it, we always do. And I keep aside my feelings of being a filler girlfriend to you. The way you talk to me, how often you reach out to me, the comfort you seek, the tenderness you look for in me — I'll give that to you for now. As much as I can.

In a year or two you will get married to someone your mother chooses for you and then you will invite me to your wedding making jokes about how I must make sure to behave myself. And I'll be happy for you, I will. I never wanted to end up with you as a lover. We were never lovers, my love. We were never going to be. But I love you, my friend.

We wouldn't have to date to make each other happy or satisfied. Because even when no strings were attached you were always here. You showed up. You have never left. Neither have I. Labels or the lack of it are not an issue, I realize. It's always the actions, it's always time, that alone is the litmus test.

You have passed it. I never expected you to. In fact, I never necessarily even wanted you to. But now that it's been a year and now that you have, I see it. And I miss you. I hope before next Diwali we can meet and I give you that hug you keep saying you don't need because you joke about being a strong man (lol) but I know just how much you long to be held like you are precious and loved and seen. You are precious. I do love you. And most importantly, I see you.

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prongsmydeer · 6 days ago

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Ayesha Livbelogs Heartstopper S3

I was so thrown off by the first shot of the season being Tori, LOL, I'm used to the school corridor openings

I've missed Nick and Charlie's little 'hi's, they are always so sweet

"I'm gonna cook us a candlelit dinner." "With what cooking skills?" "With the power of romance!" HAHA, I wish that would help me cook too, Tao

"Living with you is like a dream." That's a very optimistic approach to getting kicked out of your house, Darcy

Charlie said: Beach days are not immune to my Dark Imaginings

"Do you have some on?" "No, I don't really burn, I just tan." Charlie said, wearing a full cardigan to the beach. However, everyone gets UV damage, put on some sunscreen

Nick menacingly apply sunscreen to Charlie is my love language, actually:

"We've only been dating for like three weeks but [whistles] it's been a whirlwind." HAHAH I love Tao telling anyone who will listen he's dating Elle

"Girls stick together." "I don't care, I hate gender." Love that for Darcy

Awwww, Isaac coming out to Charlie. I love that so much

I enjoy that every time Charlie goes to his Dark Imaginings Place, Nick is like, "Hey, have you tried curing your mental illness with a leetle kiss on the lips"

"When someone you love's in trouble, you'll do anything to help 'em." Tara and Nick are truly on parallel romantic journeys. It's tough being a support person for someone enduring trauma

OH NOOOO Charlie thinks talking about something is code for "Time to exchange 'I love you's" and Nick think it's code for "Time to talk about your eating disorder!"

Perhaps at the beach, with friends, right before leaving for three weeks was not the best choice of venue for this conversation, Nick

I hope Darcy's gran's nice, because Darcy's mum sucks

Tao's cooking struggle aside, I love how colour-coordinated this shot is, the walls and the lamp, Tao's apron, Yan's shirt, the accents of Elle's dress, they're really leaning into the pink and teal:

"We can have a romantic candlelit Dominos." It'd work on me, Elle

Charlie, sitting in Nick's bedroom where there are literally like 10 photos of him on the wall: I wonder if he loves me back

Charlie telling Nick he loves him through the bathroom door. That's one way to overcome your nerves!

Poor Nick, running through the street shirtless and shoeless. That's love!

"You're still damp." "You're the one who said I love you for the first time when I was in the shower." Charlie's never gone live this down. The grandkids will hear about this

"I saw you peeping at me on the beach." "I was not peeping." It's okay, it's... it's allowed! We're in love!" "So in love that you're gonna walk to my house with no shoes on?" I repeat, that's love

Nick's aunt is HAYLEY ATWELL? Both funny bc they keep watching Marvel movies, and because they love to use a really amazing actress for a short cameo. Olivia Coleman for mum, Hayley Atwell for aunt, Nick's family is incredible

Oh, I appreciate that we've brought back the happy fantasy sequence as well:

"Can you please not undermine me like that in front of him?" The vibes of Charlie's mum have never sat well with me

Can I make a confession? Mr. Ayaji and Mr. Farouk (Nathan and Youssef) are my favourite romantic plotline on this show

Oh, I see a sex warning on the season! Who's fucking on screen!

"You did so well." "Exams mean nothing." Tori proving it's a Spring family trait to be incapable of receiving compliments

If Charlie's eating has extended the point where he can't even be in a Nando's, I think he needs help

"You need a nice poster of a handsome boy up there." "I'm a lesbian, gran." "Your dad never told me that. You need a pretty girl up there, then." This seems like a good sign for Gran <3

"I'm worried. I love you." Oh Tori, I think you should be worried

"I never sat still and posed for them. I wish... I wish I'd sat still. I wish I'd sat still, and I wish I'd posed." There's something about Tao's line that makes me want to cry. It describes grief really well

Thank God for Isaac, Charlie needs his support right now

Gjjgjgjhh at Tori being a tumblr girlie. Relatable!

The "Do I Have An Eating Disorder Quiz" is not as fun as the "Am I Gay Quiz" but I admittedly I've also taken both

It's really good for Charlie to admit he has a problem, to vocalize it to Nick, but I understand it's hard when the people you live with make it hard to trust them. Heartstopper always cuts too close to the bone

"He needs help from a doctor or a therapist. Someone that understands eating disorders and knows how to treat them." I am so, so glad that Nick has Aunt Diane, Hot Hayley Atwell Aunt and Qualified Psychiatrist

I don't know if I've ever cried while watching Heartstopper before, but this episode did get me

"The sixth form boys get to wear trousers, so why can't I?" "You look so... you." I'm becoming more and more certain Darcy is going on a gender arc. We love a nonbinary lesbian

"So we're dating?" "We've been seeing each other all summer, so I hope we are." I love Nathan and Youssef 💘💘💘💘 And also Coach Singh, who completes the gay teachers alliance

I am SHOCKED no one's ever caught Charlie and Nick making out in this supply closet, it's like the third time! Also, unrealistic, blocked, it's too spacious for a school storage place

"This isn't Mr. Ajayi's hippy class, you're representing Farouk right now." Neg your boyfriend to convince students it's platonic

OH MY GOD. NICK'S POSTCARD OF CONCERN IS THE SWEETEST AND SADDESST THING I'VE EVER SEEN

Does Charlie gripping his shoulder have implications that it's the site of his self-harm?

"I'm so alone." "Okay, what are we? Your imaginary friends?" I've missed Charlie's cheeky remarks

Fascinated by Tao's instagram bio being, "Was shorter in a past life." What on earth does that mean??

CACKLING at Charlie walking in on the teacher romance. HA

"I have a lot of rules... It doesn't matter, it's stupid." "Uh, what happens if you break the rules?" Mr. Ajayi is such a good teacher

I know it's important to address, but I do feel like the eating disorder is like, the main plot of the season so far, which does make the show harder to watch

"Yeah, I read a book where there was an aromantic character, and then I thought about what happened with us in Paris and stuff." I do find it funny that they feel the need to justify why (or why or not) people know the term aromantic. Why can't people just know!

[Looking at Sahar and Imogen] "Seems a bit gay to me." Me too, Darcy

"You've just not been a very good friend lately, Tao. All you care about is your relationship." "Well, if you're so sad about being single, what happened to James?" There's a lot to unpack here. Firstly, I don't think it's necessarily fair of Isaac to criticize how people engage with their friends, when he also brings a book to like 95% of his interactions. I get it might be a comfort thing, but I would personally feel like that friend wasn't engaged with me if during every one of our hang-outs they were reading. So like, complaining that Tao cares too much about his girlfriend when he's still there, spending time with you, seems harsh. HOWEVER, dick move from Tao, who already told you he didn't like James back

"I guess I just like the idea of having a cool boyfriend, but when we were actually together, he was pretty boring." Maybe it's too early to call comphet, but have you heard of the lesbian masterdoc, Imogen?

"None of you are helping, but thanks." HAHAH rude, Isaac

"You got angry at Charlie for doing the exact same thing we've doing." Elle's got you there, Tao

"You all make it seem like being in a relationship is the most perfect, magical thing that anyone could hope for." Charlie and Nick, homophobically bullied to the point of self-harm and in consistent mental agony over someone they love having an eating disorder: What up

"What about the ones who don't fall in love with any gender? Do you think they're okay just being on their own?" "I don't think they're on their own. they've got loads of friends." Nick Nelson, man of my heart

"When I first realized I liked Charlie, I cried at an 'Am I Gay?' Quiz." We've all been there, Nick

Nick really said: For my birthday, I'd like to confront your parents about your eating disorder

And Charlie said: Fair play, it's your birthday!

Very, very proud of Charlie (and Nick) for asking for help

So grateful for the next episode cutting to Nick's dog, I am emotionally exhausted by everything so far

"I can't believe it's been two months." I thought for a second I'd missed something but I guess they're just referring to inpatient rehab

"Everyone can journal, Nicholas. It helps you process your emotions. If I didn't journal every day, I'd literally have a breakdown. "Alright, you don't have to give me the whole pitch again." Tara and Nick's friendship is the saving grace of this season

NOT THEM SPEEDRUNNING THE ESCALATION OF EATING DISORDER SYMPTOMS THROUGH A MONTAGE. Crazy storytelling choice, but, honestly, helpful as a viewer

This montage has convinced me that Nick really, really needs to be seeing a therapist also

You know, all this said, this probably has really endeared Nick to Charlie's parents. Getting him to come to them for help

Nick is the CUTEST Captain America, perfect Halloween costume choice

Nick's reaction to Sahar and Imogen kissing is SO FUNNY. This is the opposite of how it was when he saw Tara and Darcy kiss. Instead of Bisexual Comfort, it's Gay Horror

(I did also get a cuter screenshot of the kiss the second time I tried, but it didn't fit the vibes of Nick's expression HAHAH)

Nick every time he sees a sapphic party kiss: I think I have learned something

I love that Tara and Darcy have fulfilled the Shrek and Fiona costume threat they made last season

Tao comforting Nick while he cries at the party. Sometimes love is hugging your crying, tipsy friends on the floor

"Can't I play the mentall illness card now?" "No, the S-word rule still applies to the mentally ill." I love that they can banter about the OCD and anorexia diagnosis

"I hope that when you get back, you don't feel like you have to lie to us anymore." If there's an autism quiz, I think Isaac should take it

I do absolutely adore the home video Tao made for Charlie

Olivia Colman must've been quite busy, because I do think Nick's mum would be a cornerstone of support for him in this

"I hope I get good mental health." "I hope I get a mum who can regulate her emotions." A tall order, my friends

"Can you just shut the fuck up?" GOOD FOR NICK, GET REKT DAVID

Charlie apologizing for abandoning Tori but still leaving anyway is both perserving his peace and such a brother move. <3 Oh, family!

Also, love that they were like, 'we realize it's been a tough season, here's a second, smaller dog'

"I never imagined finding a boyfriend and... and feeling so safe with him that I'd even think about, like, taking my clothes off in front of him." I did figure they were gonna talk about dysphoria and sex with Elle

I'm glad they're finally having a bigger party where no one's crying or experiencing an identity crisis or being kicked out by their mum

"I don't want to be just an experiment to you. Especially when you know you're the reason I realized I was bi in the first place." Oh, the Sahar and Imogen lore deepens

Looks like Charlie immediately spoke Tori finding someone she cares about into existence

Hahahahah the fireworks are a metaphor for whatever Elle and Tao are up to in the bedroom

I also didn't notice until rewatching it, but I do think their headmaster announcer is Stephen Fry. They love a starpowered cameo

Honestly, I think it's nice they're talking about sex. With how frequently Charlie and Nick are on top of each other, I thought it'd come sooner (no pun intended)

[Elle, lighthearted, joking] "Hey, be careful. We'll have another vomit situation." "Just need a night off from everything." Does Tara have an alcohol issue? Bc they've had her say this twice now while holding a drink

"Is he Tori's boyfriend?" "She won't confirm whether they're dating or not." Feels fitting

HAHAHAHA NOT ANTHONY BAILEY BEING THE INTERNET FAMOUS HISTORIAN. BOOKED AND BUSY, BABY! I'D SUBSCRIBE TO HIM TOO

Again, I did figure with an ep title like Body, Elle's radio interview was not going to be kind, but hoo boy

"You'll be hearing from me." YOU GET HER, ELLE'S MUM!

I know that's not at all what they're intending, but if they have sex right now, it will seem like Jonathan Bailey was so hot, they were compelled to have sex about it

What a bizarre season. It's half eating disorder, half sex

I don't know what Charlie just texted Nick, but I hope that it was "i'm ready to have sex" because that would be a VERY funny thing to do to Nick in class

"I should've expected it." Oh Elle, my sweet girl 😭😭😭😭😭

"Do you want to talk about it?" [Elle sighs, shakes head] "Is there anything I can do to make you feel better?" Tao has become SO GOOD at talking feelings since dating Elle

The cut to Baby Farouk in the classroom when they ask Charlie to apply for Head Boy. Gay teen representation DOES heal your inner child

"Good luck, I hope you do get to have your sex sleepover." Me too, Michael, Tori's Maybe Boyfriend

"You don't have to be the strong one all the time. I learned that the hard way." I'm glad Tara's in a better place now

"I just don't think I would've had the courage to explore being nonbinary if it weren't for you. I mean, I probably would've gotten around to it eventually, but you made it feel so easy....and joyful." Tara and Darcy's relationship is also soooo nice. I love everyone's relationship

HAHAHAH Charlie's Dad looking on to Charlie encouragingly as he asks his mum about staying over. Dad's on board with the sex sleepover

Charlie has decided to ask for forgiveness instead, since permission didn't go that well

The janky projector teetering on a pile of pillows is taking me out, it's so true to life. Also, couple nominated for best jawlines. ALSO ALSO. Making a fanvideo of your loved one is V SWEET

"I'm just scared you won't get it." "But I'll try, I'll always try." THEY 💗

"But when you're not around, I um... I don't know. I guess I feel a bit lost." I'm sooooo glad Nick is finally asking for support 💟

We finally got an answer to who was going to have sex on screen! It was Nick and Charlie, which is reasonable, as they are the protagonists. Not that Tara and Darcy and Elle and Tao didn't, but it was a little less explicit as this time we saw clothes flying. I also like that they acknowledged sex isn't just penetration

I appreciate that Charlie kept his shirt on for sex. King of Knowing His Own Comfort Zones

"She was never very nice to me. She was controlling, and sometimes..." Charlie's Mum said: My parenting style is a product of generational trauma

"I would feel much less worried about you if you waited a few more weeks, just til your GSCE's are over. Can that be our compromise?" Charlie, wearing Nick's clothes after they just had sex: Sure!

"Girls and boys can just be friends." True, however, Imogen did try to get Nick to wear a Halloween couple's costume with her while Charlie was away. So. She's got some stuff going on

"I don't think I've ever liked a boy, actually." YEAHHHH IMOGEN DISCOVERING HER IDENTITY! It was comphet!

HAHAHAH I wonder what this pharmacist assumes about Nick, buying condoms and lube with three girls

"I just don't think I think tell you enough how important you are to me." I love Charlie being soppy with his pals

"What's this song even about, Sahar?" "That's personal." "I thought it was about Imogen." HAHAHAHA Tao

Nick upon learning there's one (1) gay rugby player at Leeds: I am applying to this university forthwith

"I'm afraid of being away from him. I don't know who I am without him." Oh, Nick

I looove Charlie looking at himself in the mirror and seeing the animations but not in a Dark Imaginings way. Body neutrality 💓

"I just figured we should have a conversation about, but now... I wish I hadn't sad anything." [Charlie, gently] "Do you want me to go and find her?" [Michael nods] Baby Brother, Relationship Rescuer

"I wish I was like you. You're... hopeful. You try." That is the moral of Charlie's story

I love that you can see Charlie growing more confident as he plays music for the crowd

I think the Michael and Tori dynamic and Isaac's face is suggesting it's a queerplatonic situation, which admittedly is a term I don't fully feel I understand, but good for them

They've really done well to work around Olivia Colman's absence thoroughout this season, but it is hilarious that Nick and Charlie have had so much alone time in his house

I love the return to the end of season cuddle:

#ayesha says things #ayesha liveblogs heartstopper #heartstopper #liveblogging #disordered eating tw #self harm tw #long post #heartstopper spoilers #heartstopper season 3 spoilers #HAPPY HALLOWEEN/DIWALI/MY BIRTHDAY (tomorrow)

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