#Dean cries right before it happens and tells cas he loves him and implies to reader that they’re whipped as fuck for each other

[knotboy-dean]

Alright. I did it. Thanks to that post like three reblogs ago where op says you should just write some fucking if you want

(And to @treezenith who continues to beta read for me and give me amazing and helpful feedback!!! <333)

[bing-bang-bingo]

- 4x3: c. 40:00 Cas comforts Dean after Mary makes a deal w/ Azazel

- 4x7: 15:50 Dean stops Sam from shooting Cas, then Sam mentions that he’s “heard a lot about him”

- 4x7: 39:00 Cas tells Dean he prayed he’d save the town, then he tells him about his doubts and Deans future troubles

- 4x10 & ???: Dean calls “last night on Earth” his best line. He uses this line on Cas

- 4x10: 27:15 “Castiel has this weakness. He likes you.”

- 4x10: 32:50 Cas looking jealous and sad when Dean kisses Anna

- 4x16: 7:30 Cas tells Dean he got in trouble for showing emotion and getting to close to Dean. 8:20 “I would give anything not to have you do this”

- 4x16: 39:00 Cas warns Dean to be careful while Dean is in the hospital, they discuss the first seal and saving Dean from hell

- 4x18: 31:30 Cas tells Dean how to save Sam from Lilith even though he’s not allowed to interfere

- 4x20: 38:00 Deans face when Cas tells him he “learned his lesson when he was in heaven”

- 4x22: 30:40 Cas considers rebelling for Dean. 33:00 He does. 35:20 He fights multiple Archangels for Dean

- 5x1: 5:45 Dean denies Cas’ death 8:25 “I learned that from my friend Cas you son of a bitch”

- 5x1: 31:00 Cas saves Sam and Dean from Zach

- 5x3: 6:10 Cas-“I need your help because your the only one who will help me”

- 5x3: 10:20 Dean fixes Cas’ tie and jacket

- 5x4: 38:50 “Don’t Ever Change”

- 5x8: 38:20 Dean makes Gabriel bring Cas back, then makes sure he’s okay

- 5x13: ?:?? Cas won’t let Dean meet with Anna because it’s not safe

- 5x17: 30:30 Cas and Dean discuss what it’s like to have a deadbeat dad

- 5x18: 25:15 Cas kicks Deans ass for trying to sacrifice himself

- 5x21: 3:50 Cas and Dean bickering like and old married couple then Cas gives Dean a heartfelt apology.

- 6x17: 18:55 “No you’re confusing me with the other angel, the one in the dirty trench coat who is in love with you.”

- 6x17: 38:00 Sam: “So you killed 50,000 people for us?” Cas: *looks at Dean*

- 6x19: 25:20 Bobby reassures Cas that they’ll be back soon, Cas acts like a worried and disappointed wife.

- 6x19: 36:25 Cas yelling “Dean!” when Eve bites him

- 6x19: 40:00 Dean is the only one who doesn’t think Cas is working with Crowley (he’s wrong but it’s sweet)

- 6x20: 4:50 Dean v v worried, “But Cas you’ll call right? If you get into real trouble?”

- 6:30 Crowley implies that Cas is distracted by Dean and tells him he reeks of the Impala.

- 7:20 Cas says that Dean taught him how to care and what to care about. Then Cas saves Sam (for Dean)

- 13:15 Cas says that the worst part of working with Crowley (basically his sworn natural enemy) is that it hurt Dean and that he hated lying to him.

- 25:20 Cas refuses to ask Dean for help because he has “sacrificed too much” even though it means Cas could die.

- 26:00 Crowley tells Cas he has a way for everyone to get a happy ending “with all possible entendres intended” while Cas stares longingly at Dean.

- 33:00 Dean is close to tears when he learns that Cas is working with Crowley, Cas says he did it to protect Dean.

- 35:25 “Dammit Cas we can fix this!” “Dean it’s not broken!” He then tells the boys to run from the demon cloud and Dean gives him the saddest look in the world before being forced to leave him behind.

- 38:00 Cas watches Dean sleep. “I’m doing this for you Dean. I’m doing this because of you!”

- 6x21: 22:40 “I do everything you ask. I always come when you call and I am your friend. Still despite your lack of faith in me and now your threats I’ve just saved you yet again. Has anyone but your closest kin ever done more for you?”

- 6x22: Dean to Cas- “Don’t make me lose you, too.”

- 7x2: 5:35 Dean nearly cries on screen when he thinks Cas is dead

- 7x17: Cas says “I remember ~you~” as soon as he regains his memories.

- 7x17: Cas ask why Dean didn’t tell him all the horrible things Cas did. Parallels the conversation Karen and Dean had about telling Bobby she remembered him killing her and her telling Dean that he had never been on love before.

- 7x21: The face Dean makes when he sees Cas again plus the prolonged eye contact when Cas says Deans name.

- 7x21: Hester telling Dean that when Cas first saved him from Hell he was lost- parallels- Lucifer/Jess saying she was dead the moment she met Sam.

- 7x23: 8:50 “Go ask him. He was your boyfriend first.” Meg to Dean about Cas

- 7x23: 32:45 “I’m sorry but I’d rather have you, cursed or not.”

- 7x23: 36:50 Cas steps in to protect Dean despite spending the whole season avoiding fighting and saying he won’t fight.

- 8x2: 25:00 Cas ran away to keep the Leviathans away from Dean. Dean refuses to leave purgatory without Cas.

- 8x7: 20:30 Deans reaction to seeing Cas all cleaned up.

- 8x7: Dean convinced himself that it was his fault Cas was still in purgatory because he’s a sweet idiot boy who hates himself

- 8x7: 35:00 The whole Dean and Cas conversation about purgatory and Cas doing stuff that puts him in danger.

- 8x8: 12:30 Cas just casually going through Deans stuff and Dean not saying anything.

- 8x8: 13:00 Cas offering to watch over Dean while he slept

- 8x8: 15:15 Dean talks to Cas about feelings and heaven even though Dean hates talking about feelings.

- 8x17: Cas fights Naomi’s mind control for Dean

- 8x23: 22:50 Dean and Cas sadly discuss Cas closing the doors of heaven and say goodbye

- 9x1: Dean prays to Cas and tells him he isn’t mad about the angels falling.

- 9x1: Cas’ first instinct is to explain himself to Dean then to come help him.

- 9x1: Dean begs Cas to “for once, look out for yourself.”

- 9x3: 36:45 Dean to Cas after Cas came back from the dead “Don’t you ever do that again!”

- 9x6: Literally just Dean trying desperately the whole episode to hang out with Cas

- 9x10: 26:00 Dean and Cas talk about how Cas is doing and Dean offers him a rare sincere apology. Plus the “I prefer the term ‘trusting’. Less dumb, less ass.” dialogue

- 9x18: Cas’ little smile when Dean makes a joke about Honor Bars and Cas is just so happy to hear his voice.

- 9x18: Metatron’s illusion of Gabriel calls Cas Dean’s boy-toy

- 9x18: Cas can tell something is wrong with Dean, then Cas yells at Dean about getting the Mark of Cain

- 9x22: Cas chooses Dean over all of Heaven once again

- 9x22: The Cas and Dean conversation about the three of them being enough when an army wasn’t and Cas giving up an army all for Dean

- 9x23: “I’m blaming you for taking Cas’ grace.”

- 10x1: 5:00 Cas about Dean- “I miss him.”

- 10x2: 9:00 Cas’ reaction to learning that Dean is a demon

- 10x3: The conversation between Dean and Cas at the end of the episode. “You look terrible” “You on the other hand, your looking good.”

- 10x5: Deans reaction to Cas and Dean actors hugging and holding hands

- 10x5: “Put as much sub into that text as you possibly can.” *looks directly at fake Cas*

- 10x9: 15:00 Cas tells Dean he’s a good role model. Then asks him if he’s okay and when Dean lies and says he is he pushes it further. Dean makes Cas promise to kill him if he goes Dark

- 10x22: Dean and Cas fight and parallel Cain and his Wife.

- 10x23: Dean sees Cas’ bloody face in the mirror

- 11x1: Cas being more worried about Dean than himself even though Cas is under a spell that will kill him.

- 11x2: Dean calling Cas and stressing out when he doesn’t answer

- 11x3: Dean trying to coax Cas out of the attack dog spell, refusing to fight back when Cas was attacking, freaking out when Cas took a minute to wake up, refusing to let Cas heal him (because he “had it coming”), and refusing to let Cas apologize (because “there’s nothing to apologize for”).

- 11x10: “Dean, I came as soon as you called.” Also: “Stick your tongue out.” Dean-*does*

- 11x11: Dean realizing that something is wrong with Cas (while he is possessed by Lucifer)

- 11x11: Mildred says that Dean is pining for someone else(probably meant to be a reference to Amara, but she told him this after he had seen Cas for the first time in a few days.)

- 11x14: The sadness on Deans face when he realizes Cas is Lucifer and then his determination to save Cas

- 11x15: Dean getting kinda dark when he talks about what he’s willing to do to save Cas and he prioritizes saving Cas over bearing Amara.

- 11x17: Dean once again prioritizing saving Cas over saving the world. Sam reassuring Dean that they’ll save Cas (even though Dean didn’t say anything about what was upsetting him)

- 11x17: The camera zooming in on Dean after Michelle says that there is no normal after losing the man you love.

- 11x18: Dean refuses to put Lucifer in the cage or let him fight Amara while using Cas as his vessel.

- 11x18: The difference in the way Dean looks at Lucifer vs at Cas

- 11x18: Dean about Cas: “Lets go find that idiot and bring him home.”

- 11x19: Dean has been looking for leads non stop for a week since Amara took Cas

- 11x21: Amara uses Cas’s heart to find Dean, then shows Dean images of Cas beaten and bloodied to convince him to turn against Chuck

- 11x23: Dean’s face when he realizes Cas is back and Lucifer is gone.

- 11x23: Dean tells Cas he isn’t stupid and that he always helps

- 11x23: Cas: “Dean are you okay? How do you feel?”

- 11x23: Cas hugging Dean super tight before he goes off to die. Dean entrusting his life’s purpose (look after Sam) then thanking him for everything.

- 12x1: Cas seeing that Dean is alive and hugging him while his voice breaks.

- 12x1: Cas taking the job Dean have him very seriously

- 12x2: Dean adorably venting to Cas about his mommy-issues

- 12x3: Dean- “Morning sunshine want some coffee.” Cas- “No thank you.”

- 12x7: “Well at least I don’t look like a lumberjack.” They are such husbands

- 12x7: “Engaged in what Cas? killing you?”

- 12x8: Cas being so worried about what happened to Sam and DEAN that Kelly escaped.

- 12x9: Mary-“You left them!” Cas- *voice breaking* “Dean told me to go!” Also, just Cas looking so hard for them.

- 12x9: Cas blaming himself for Sam and Dean being taken

- 12x9 Cas knowing how long the boys have been gone down to the hour.

- 12x9: Cas’s voice and eyes when he hears Dean’s voice on the phone.

- 12x9: Cas killing Billie because “You mean too much to me” and “The world needs as many Winchesters as it can get.”

- 12x10: Poor Sam having to deal with Cas and Dean while they fight like an old married couple.

- 12x10: Dean immediately telling Ishim to go to hell when he insults Cas

- 12x10: Sam telling Dean to go to Cas when Dean thought Cas was in trouble

- 12x10: Cas immediately believing Dean about Ishim even though they’re mad at each other. Dean about to let Ishim kill him to save Cas.

- 12x10: Ishim comparing Dean and Cas’s relationship to Ishims relationship with his human lover, then saying he was going to cut Cas’s human weakness

- 12x11: “And Cas is my best friend.”

- 12x12: Dean about Cas- “My shy but devastatingly handsome friend here...”

- 12x12: Dean stressing out and voice breaking as he tries to comfort poisoned Cas

- 12x12: LITERALLY TOLD DEAN THAT HE LOVED HIM WHILE CAS WAS DYING

- 12x12: *looking at Dean* “I love you.” Then adds “I love all of you”

- 12x12: Cas- “Run.” Dean- “Cas, no.”

- 12x12: The look Dean gives Cas when he won’t stop staring at him after he’s healed.

- 12x14: Dean says some very harsh stuff to Mary after finding out the reason they Cas almost died at the lake house was because Mary was working for the British Men of Letters

- 12x15: Dean could tell something was up with Cas after talking to him for less than a minute, over the phone.

- 12x18: Sam trying to make Dean feel better about not hearing from Cas.

- 12x19: Dean literally always acting like a scorned wife when Cas comes back after long periods of time

- 12x19: Dean made Cas a mixtape

- 12x19: Cas- “I ~needed~ to came back here with a win for you.”

- 12x19: Cas- *gesturing between Dean and himself* “You mean... we?” Dean- “Yes, dumbass, we.”

- 12x23: Dean screaming for Cas when he attacks Lucifer and trying to chase after him forcing Sam to drag Dean back through the rift. A direct parallel to Dean pulling Sam away from Jess and the fire in Pilot

- 12x23: Dean kneeling next to Cas’s dead body looking up at the sky completely devastated.

- 13x1: Dean couldn’t bring himself to say dead when referring to Cas

- 13x1: Dean PRAYED to GOD to bring Cas back

- 13x1: “We just lost ~everything~. And now you’re gonna bring ~him~ back.”

- 13x1: Dean personally wrapping Cas’s body and giving him a hunters funeral.

- 13x1: The look of complete devastation on Dean’s face when he burns Cas’s body.

- 13x3: Dean refusing to help save Jack because he blames him for manipulating Cas and getting him killed.

- 13x4: The Empty to Cas: “I know what you love, what you fear. There is nothing for you back there.” He loves Dean and Cas fears that Dean doesn’t love him back.

- 13x5: Sam being worried about Dean who has given up all hope since Cas died.

- 13x5: Dean being so distressed thinking Cas is gone forever that he tries to kill himself

- 13x5: Dean seeing Cas alive again and they both have tears in their eyes.

- 13x6: Dean hugging Cas and saying he’s been gone for “too damn long”

- 13x6: Dean being immediately happier and nicer to everyone once Cas is back

- 13x6: Cas saying “Yes. Yes, he does” (in response to Jack saying Dean really likes cowboys) with the tone of an exhausted spouse.

- 13x6: “I told you, he’s an angry sleeper. Like a bear.”

- 13x6: Dean made Cas watch Tombstone with him.

- 13x6: Dean and Cas dresses like cowboy husbands.

- 13x6: Cas saying “I’m your huckleberry” to Dean in a deep accent and Dean looking away.

- 13x6: Their undercover names are Russel and Kilmer

- 13x14: The whole scene where Cas and Dean fight Gog/Magog and act like an old married couple.

- 13x14: The angry, dark look Cas gives Donatello when he tries to kill Dean

- 13x16: “Dean has him by the thigh!” Cas, jealously: “He ~what~?”

- 13x16: “and that includes the Cartwright twins.” Cas, again jealously: “what did you do with the Cartwright twins?”

- 13x19: Cas angrily confronting Naomi about forcing him to kill a bunch of Dean clones.

- 13x21: Cas secretly sliding Dean more pizza when Mary and Sam left the room.

- 13x21: Cas having to hold Dean back from going after Sam. Dean would have beat the shit out of anyone else who tried to stop him.

- 13x23: Cas trying to stop Dean from giving himself to Michael even if it meant losing Sam AND Jack

- 13x23: Cas sitting alone in the bum jet with tears in his eyes after Dean left

- 14x1: Demon: “How is it you lost Dean. I thought you two were joined at the... everything.”

- 14x1: Dean trying to save Cas from Lucifer then vs Cas trying to save Dean from Michael now

- 14x3: The look that Dean and Cas give each other when Dean comes home.

- 14x9: Cas almost being happy seeing Dean happy. And then having to force himself to not be happy so he doesn’t die.

- 14x12: Cas being phased at Dean for wanting to put himself in the box with Michael forever

- 14x14: Cas is the only Dean will let talk to him about Michael and be honest about how Dean feels

- 14x14: “No, it’s on us.”

- 14x14: Cas’s voice breaking when he talks about the possibility of Dean dying one day.

- 14x18: The pure self loathing in Cas’s eyes when he feels like he failed Dean by not telling him about Jack’s soul.

- 15x2: “You asked ‘what about all of this is real?’ We are.” THE MOST ROMANTIC LINE EVER. (Plus later Eileen and Sam have the same conversation but they get to kiss because homophobia)

- 15x9- 20:00 Dean said that they lost everyone they cared about, then added Cas specifically. Then he says “I had to bury him” not “we”

- 15x9- 23:00 Dean cries when he can’t find Cas. Then he prays to him and apologizes for letting him go. He falls to his knees praying to him and fully crying

- 15x12: “I created the world.” *shows Destiel*

- 15x15: This time when Dean sees Cas leaving the bunker, he stops him. (In reference to Cas saying “you didn’t stop me” when Dean got mad at him for leaving)

- 15x16: This is the the only version of Cas that rebelled for Dean. This universe is literally being saved repeatedly because of Cas’s love for Dean

- 15x18: CAS CONFESSES HIS LOVE TO DEAN then goes to mega hell for being gay

Anyway, Cas loves Dean and Dean LOVES HIM BACK, OKAY?!?!? Feel free to add more

[aoitrinity]

Why Do I Have to Feel Like a Fucking Conspiracy Theorist -- OR -- How I Find a Semblance of Peace on Sunday Night

I’m also going to start this out with a GIANT DISCLAIMER.

I am about to theorize about what may have happened to the SPN finale. I have absolutely no insider knowledge. I am merely speculating here based on the panels and a bunch of Twitter and Tumblr posts that I have been reading over the last few days. If you are not in a good place to read such things, TURN BACK PLEASE. Go take care of yourself and your mental health. You and your feelings are valid and deserve to be handled gently right now.

Additionally, if you are here to give me shit for being unhappy with the ending, please walk away as well. I am here to reach out and share my feelings with people who might be struggling to make sense of something that upset some of us in very deep-seated ways. I am not here to bother you or critique you or tell you that you’re lesser because you liked the ending. If you felt it was good, then go enjoy it.

Long-ass post beneath the cut, everyone.

Alrighty folks...I debated whether or not to do this because I have been spiraling down the hell that is the SPN finale since Thursday. The travesty of what happened to our show--to this beloved show that seemed to have been so perfectly and precisely written for at least four years that it had basically already paved its own tarmac on which to land its plane and we all thought we knew exactly what we were going to get. And then we didn’t. We had a nigh Cas-less and entirely Eileen-less ending. We had no goodbye between Cas and Jack. We had Dean dying young after finally finding his freedom, only to ascend to heaven with no one but Bobby. We had the weird, weird, weird incest-y death scene. We had the bridge crane shot thing because...sure. You do you, Robert Singer.

It was so terrible, so truly awful, and I couldn’t seem to square any of it with anything we had known going in. I tossed and turned and cried and didn’t eat or sleep all weekend. I spent hours just reloading tumblr and twitter, going to the Misha panel, reading and reading and listening and trying to figure out what the fucking hell is going on because I needed to know exactly where to direct my anger. And after a fuckton of talking with @winchester-reload, I think we have at least a very plausible theory about what happened here--I’m laying it out below as much for my own peace of mind as anything else, because otherwise all of these thoughts are going to continue to spin around in my head for weeks and I won’t be able to do jack shit.

Now to start off, unfortunately I do think Dean was slated to die from the beginning of this season. I don’t know WHY they thought that was the best way to go, and I wish they had listened to Jensen on this one. Part of me wonders if it was an order from on high based on the discussion between Becky and Chuck earlier this season--the writers knew it wasn’t a great choice, but they were trying to signal to us that we should feel free to write our own endings to the story because they’d be better (I can wax poetic on the signs of why many of the writers probably wanted Dean to live, but that’s another post). I’m not defending that choice by any means, just laying it out there that I think they didn’t necessarily all want to kill Dean like they did.

However, what I THINK I can explain now is what happened with Misha and why we got so jerked around with Cas’s story. Consider what we know (I can’t immediately source all of it, but I did my best):

At the end of episode 15x19, Lucifer has been returned to the Empty after being killed AGAIN. He talks with Cas. Maybe harasses him a bit about Dean, idk. But then...Jack shows up. New God Jack. And he picks up Cas and pulls him out of the Empty, leaving Lucifer behind, because seriously. Fuck that guy (also leaving behind his abusive father is character growth for Jack, so yay for that).

-Misha was contracted to film 15 episodes this season. He was only in 14.

-Misha told Michael Sheen he had to go back to film 1.5 episodes after the shutdown in March. (Starts at 6:13)

-Misha was in Vancouver during filming of the finale.

-Mark P said at Darklight Con that the last scene he filmed was with Alex and Misha (and Mark P was only in episode 19).

-Misha implied that he was present for various filming moments, including Dean’s death (start at 35:15), and said that it felt like a “mini-reunion.”

-Various sources have mentioned that Jimmy Novak was supposed to be in the finale.

-After episode 18, Stands tweeted a fan who was angered and hurt by Cas's death that they could talk about the “bury the gays” issue after the finale aired.

-In episode 19 we know there were takes of the parking lot scene where the only thing fans observing could hear was Dean yelling “CAS” at Chuck (fuck I can’t find this one right now, but it’s definitely out there)

-Also in episode 19, we had a very strange, awkward montage at the end of the episode.

-In episode 20, we know there were a FUCKTON of missing scenes

-We also had no opening montage, but three other separate montages.

-Carry on My Wayward Son was played TWICE, back-to-back at the end of the episode.

-Episode 20 was shorter than normal and had surprisingly little dialogue. The pacing was VERY strange.

-The cast and crew has been almost completely silent about the finale since it came out. When they have spoken, it has been with an awkward excuse of “Uh...COVID?”

-Samantha Ferris has specifically noted that, despite the Harvelle’s being back in play and a big heaven reunion having been planned pre-COVID, neither she nor Chad Lindberg received any such invitation to return.

-Cas and Dean POP Funko figures were pictured together in a replica of Harvelle’s in 15x04.

NOW with all of this in mind (and I’m probably missing some stuff too because there is so much--feel free to add on to that list), please bear with me because here is what I think we were SUPPOSED to get POST-COVID (after it was determined that the reunion couldn’t happen because of the virus):

In episode 20, we start with our NORMAL OPENING MONTAGE, like always. It traces everything that happened during the season. We are reminded of Cas. The confession. Rowena. Eileen. Jack. Billie, God, the Empty, all of it. 

Things then follow along in the episode where they did up until Dean dies and wakes up in heaven. After his conversation with Bobby, he drives off to find Cas (who, in the script, was listed as “Jimmy Novak” in order to protect against script leaks--who wouldn’t want to do their best to avoid spoilers about the finale with the wrapping of a fifteen-year show?). He does indeed find Cas. We get Dean’s end of the confession. Hell, maybe we even get a kiss. And then Dean sets up his new heaven home in the recreated Harvelle’s. Maybe Cas even fucking moves in. 

Years pass. We get Sam having his life on Earth (still can’t explain why they cut Eileen and couldn’t even have Sam signing vaguely to the blurry brunette in the background; if anyone wants to take that on, go for it). Eventually, Cas tells Dean that it’s almost Sam’s time. Dean takes Baby and goes to meet Sam at the bridge. The cover of Carry on My Wayward Son plays during this much shorter sequence. End of episode.

But that’s not what we got. Instead, much of what I just wrote about was excised from the episode. The remnants were stitched together after shooting had been wrapped. Filler was added in the form of montages and long, unnecessary extra shots to get the episode to something approaching a reasonable length. 

But why? Why would they spend all that time and money and quarantining on Misha, only to almost completely cut him out of the finale? I struggled with why the fuck the CW would want this mammoth show to go down as the greatest queerbait in TV history when they had the chance to do something truly beautiful and monumental with it? It couldn’t just be sheer homophobia, right? Well, I think that factored into it, my friends, but here is where my head is at right now.

It was about cold, hard cash.

Now I could be wrong, but this is what I’m thinking at the moment: Supernatural is going off of the air. Supernatural, the CW’s cash cow for fifteen years. Sure there is still money to be made on blu-rays and merchandise and cons...but they need people watching their shows. They need that sweet advertising revenue. And you know what show they have about to premiere? A show that could, potentially, bring with it a chunk of that SPN revenue?

Walker.

And if any of you know anything about the original Walker Texas Ranger, you know that the show was predominantly a show about a very heterosexual white man being very excessively heterosexual. And for SOME REASON over the years, many of the execs at the CW still seem to think that this show, Supernatural, is really attractive to a lot of middle-American white men...whom they desperately want to watch this new show with this guy from Supernatural that they already know.

Now here’s where COVID fucked us. I think Destiel was greenlit by TPTB, at least in SOME form, before COVID. But then the pandemic happened, and they panicked. They got the cut of the last two episodes and watched them in their original, probably queer form. And then, the execs at CW looked at the economy. They looked at their cash cow, about to make its journey to the great beyond. And they looked at this new little calf Walker that they were so desperately worried about. And they made a choice.

They decided that it would be too risky to take the step with Destiel. They were worried about frightening off their ever-so-valuable hetero male demographic with the possibility that a traditionally masculine man in his 40s could be in love with another man in an overt way. It was homophobia mixed with greed, spun up by fear for their revenues because of COVID.

So they called in Singer, possibly Dabb, although I wouldn’t be surprised if they went straight to Singer. They told them that Destiel had to go: executive orders. And the only way to make it go in a way that removed any trace of what had been there was to rewrite what happened to Cas and cut him out from the last two episodes entirely. It was too late to reshoot anything. They had to just cut and stitch and fill with bullshit montages. 

They removed the scene at the end of 19, probably because Cas and Lucifer discussed Dean. All that was left of Misha there was his voice on that fake phone call. They may have cut other things too, but I would bet my life that they cut a scene from the end of the episode and replaced it with that very strange montage. Then they moved onto 20. They cut out every scene with Cas. And left in only two platonic mentions of him, neither made by Dean. They tried to imply that Cas might show up in Dean’s heaven at some point, but that was as far as the editors could go in the time they had. They filled in with montages, awkwardly long shots, anything they could do to fill all of those missing scenes.

And they even had to take the opening montage, because literally everything in it pointed to Cas being there at the end of it all. They wouldn’t be able to leave out his scenes, they were too critical to the season. They couldn’t cut his confession without raising eyebrows. So they cut the whole thing and moved “Carry On My Wayward Son” to one of the newly-added driving montages at the end. Which is why we awkwardly had both songs play back-to-back--again, such a strange choice unless they were out of options and couldn’t exactly buy rights to a new track or compose anything else.

And so we were left with the shadow of the finale that we deserved, that Cas and Dean deserved. We were left without resolution or happiness or words. Bobo told us the most important thing about happiness is just “saying it” and our characters were silenced without anyone ever knowing the truth.

I think the writers might have known and been given the new party line that “Misha never filmed, he couldn’t, sorry, it was COVID, no one’s fault!” But I don’t think most of the cast even knew it had happened until they watched the finale on Thursday with us (though they might have been confused why the bit from 15x19 was sliced, they could reasonably have assumed it was a time thing and also BL episodes don’t make sense anyway). Why do I say that?

Well, first of all, Misha started sending out a bunch of excited texts to fans with some old BTS pictures about an hour before the show started airing on EST. He also wanted his children to see the episode, his YOUNG children. Why would he show them such a traumatic episode if their Dad wasn’t in it? What if it was because he wanted them to witness what was going to be a monumental moment in queer television history that their DAD got to be a part of? And then that was all dashed.

Which is why I think the cast and crew went almost completely radio silent the next day. I don’t think they knew. And based on how they have been acting on social media since then, I think many of them are absolutely furious, but they have been silenced because of NDAs, because they want to find work again in a cutthroat industry, because they don’t want to bring down the hellfire of Warner Brothers Entertainment upon themselves. So the most we have gotten is a little acknowledgement from the MERCHANDISING COMPANY trying to validate our pain (god bless Shirts, she is a LIFESAVER) and a response to my salty tweet about keeping good stuff in the closet from Adam Williams (the VFX coordinator) that seemed to acknowledge the validity of my complaint.

Then there was a scramble behind the scenes, I would bet my life. Talking points were fed to the boys who had panels today, to CE, to all the cast and crew:

Toe the party line. Misha never filmed. This was always about COVID. Do not mention Destiel. Do not mention Dean’s feelings for Cas. Do not promote the Castiel Project or anything that validates the idea that this was anything less than a superb ending.

And that is why we have heard so little from the cast on this front, and what we have heard has been muddled and contradictory. That is why the writers are saying nothing. That is why we have been left adrift.

Now before I close this out, I do want to say that I really, genuinely do not think this was on the writers at all. I feel like they tried to give us the best ending that they could, in a writers room that we know is notorious for splitting along party lines about the overall story (BL and Singer, who have always been about the brothers and their man-pain vs. Dabb and the rest who always seemed to want more for them and for Cas). I think they did everything in their power to at least end with Dean and Cas happy together. If they could give us nothing else, they wanted to give us that. And then the network took it from them. From us. From everyone.

For the sake of fucking money. 

And the WORST PART OF IT ALL, for me, is that in the wake of this disaster, the fans have been left to try and figure out what happened. We have had to wade through a mire of conflicting information in the midst of all of our collective anger and grief over this garbage ending of a show many of us have loved and even relied on for YEARS, all the while wondering if we’re just fucking crazy, if we have all fallen collectively into the hole of conspiracy theories. That hurts ESPECIALLY badly because we have taken so many hits over the years from other groups on social media saying we were crazy for seeing things that weren’t there (especially Destiel), for writing meta and analyzing tropes and believing the evidence of our eyes and ears. The network has made us relive that entire nightmare WHILE processing our grief for a show we wanted so badly to celebrate and which instead we now have to mourn.

So again guys, I cannot prove that this is exactly what happened at all; this is simply my idea of what may have happened. But right now, it’s the most sense I can make from this mess, and to be honest, the act of typing it out has helped me enormously in my processing of it all. I feel like I can see more clearly, like I know where to target my outrage and where to direct empathy. I feel like just fucking maybe, I might be able to do my job tomorrow without bursting into tears at random moments. 

I really hope that this post has helped some of you to, in some small way, process this too. We get through this the way that Misha told us at his panel this morning, the way the writers have told us to do all season long...we throw out the story God gave us and we make it better. We write our characters the happy endings they deserve. 

We save them.

One last thing--if you have not already, please consider channeling your rage into a donation to one of the five causes our fandom has put together to pay tribute to our beloved show and to mourn the ending it should have had:

-The Castiel Project

-Dean Winchester is Love

-Sam Winchester Project

-The National Association of the Deaf

-The Jack Kline Project

[estrel]

Catalysts & Changes: a 15x16 Meta

I wanted to talk really quickly about Dean’s change this season, especially regarding 15x16.

My main focus of this meta is to talk about Mary’s impact on Dean being the catalyst for this change we’ve been seeing, but I’m also going to be mentioning some Cas/destiel things to tie into this. So, here we go:

I. Mary as Catalyst & Myth

Mary is Dean’s reason. By that I mean that literally the whole reason Dean hunts--or, rather, continues to hunt, since John honestly forced it on him--was all in the hopes of catching what killed Mary. That was the main purpose of season 1, other than finding John. This is Dean’s motivation, his basis as a character. 

Dean has also mentioned on multiple occasions that Mary was why he was brave, why he kept fighting, and that he often thought about her. 

Dean: I was scared, too. I didn’t feel like talking, just like you. But see, my mom...I know she wanted me to be brave. I think about that every day (1.03 Dead in the Water)

Remember this quote, because I think it’s eerily similar to the one in 15.16 that I’ll talk about later in this post.

This makes sense--she’s his mom, he should be affected in some way about her death. But Dean takes it to the extreme, based his life around it, held on to it for far too long. Sam was different, because he never actually knew Mary, and we know from earlier seasons that their feelings about her are pretty different. 

Meanwhile, almost any time Dean has dreamt of something ideal, Mary was there (think of his djinn dream in 2.20 where Mary never died, and in heaven in 5.16). We can especially see that this is true because of what Amara said in Gimme Shelter:

Dean: What was the point?

Amara: I wanted two things for you, Dean. I wanted you to see that your mother was just a person. That the myth you’d held onto for so long of a better life, a life where she’d lived, was just that: a myth. I wanted you to see that the real, complicated Mary, was better than your childhood dream because she was real. That now is always better than then. That you could finally start to accept your life. (15.15 Gimme Shelter)

Here, Amara was anticipating a turning point. She had wanted Dean to be “released” by having Mary back, but obviously this didn’t happen. Instead, Mary’s death was once again the catalyst for Dean’s change, just like it was the first time when Azazel killed her. We can also see from this that Dean has always been stuck in the past, hence Amara telling him that he should be focusing on now, instead. Another thing to note for future reference is the “real” line. Remember Cas saying “we are” when Dean asks him what is real.

Mary was also not exactly what Sam or Dean--hell, not even the viewers--had been expecting when she returned. She was scared, alone, and had trouble dealing with being back in a new century with her little boys all grown up and even worse-- hunting. But Dean eventually accepted this. He accepted the real version of Mary, but continued to idolize her and bring up the past.

II. Mary’s Death

Now let’s take a look at what’s happened since Mary’s second death:

Denial. Dean hopes Mary isn’t actually dead, even though all signs point to this.

Grief. Dean cries alone at the site of her death.

Blame. Dean blames Jack and Cas for what happened. 

During and after the funeral, Dean avoids talking about it with anyone. However, he is obviously affected by her death. Sam even holds Cas back from going to Dean while burning the pyre. Bobby makes a comment about Dean being a lot like him and not wanting to show his feelings to others.

These all sound like the Dean that’s been built up since season 1. Not dealing with his feelings properly at all, pushing people away, denial. The one thing that makes this time different from other deaths, though, is that--just like the first time Mary died--there's no body to bring back. It's implied in 14.19 that if there had been, Dean would have tried, because he even tells Sam:

Note: This is also an episode where we see Jack being a mirror for Dean by doing exactly that--doing everything in his power to try to bring Mary back by himself. It doesn’t work; Mary’s gone for good. And she’s happy--she��s in heaven! 

In addition to there not being a body, Dean also knows who did it. It's not some unidentifiable yellow-eyed demon that he can spend years tracking down, it's Jack. It's his son, it's someone he can't and won't kill, because he's family, even if he’s guilty. So Dean has no outlet for his rage except to put blame on not only Jack, but Cas (specifically in 15.03 The Rupture, Jack is dead at this point and he pushes Cas away for several episodes). And here is where Dean begins to change.

III. The Shift: Anger, Apologies, and Forgiveness

Because then, in 15.09 The Trap, there is a big, significant shift. Dean forgives Cas:

Dean: You’re my best friend, but I just let you go. ‘Cause it was easier than admitting I was wrong. 

He cries, looks around, and gets on his knees.

Dean: I don’t know why I get so angry. I just know-I just know that it’s just always been there. And when things go bad, it just-it comes out. And I can’t- I can’t stop it. No matter how--how bad I want to, I just can’t stop it. And I forgive you, of course I forgive you. I’m sorry it took me so long to...I’m sorry it took me ‘til now to say it.  (15.09 The Trap)

This is an incredibly important scene because it shows that Dean knows about his anger--the anger that Amara talks about in 15x15, and he wants to stop it. 

Amara: I thought having [Mary] back would release you...put that fire out. Your anger. But I guess we both know I failed at that.

Dean: You’re damn right.  (15.15 Gimme Shelter)

After this, Dean clarifies that he’s not only angry, but furious. This is change, this is change caused directly by Mary’s death--by Amara bringing her back again. Dean might say he is furious, but he has also said before that he wants to stop his anger. And, in many ways, he’s been taking steps towards doing that: 

For example, here in 15.09 when Dean forgives Cas, (gif credit)

and here in 15.14 when he tells Jack he’s trying to forgive him for killing Mary, (gif credit)

and again in 15.16 for not telling Sam and Caitlin about the dead bodies when they were younger (gif credit)

and most recently, at the end of 15.16, when he didn’t tell Sam about Jack dying. (gif credit)

So now we’ve taken the turn towards forgiveness. Dean has been handing out apologies and forgiveness like never before this season, which is a definite change to how it used to be with him. He’s opening up, and he is trying to do better and be better than before. Billie also tells him this at the diner:

(gif credit)

I’m inclined here to believe that Dean is on that road to forgiveness with Jack. I mean, he said it himself in 15.14 that he’s trying, and Cas also vouched for him when Jack asked if forgiveness from Dean was a possibility. So in 15.16, when Dean says they have “no choice” but to let Jack die, it’s not because it doesn’t haunt him. It clearly does, with the entire episode dealing with Dean coping with the deaths of children, even his brother. He doesn’t want Jack to die, but his anger, his fury towards Chuck is taking precedence over that. It’s something he wants to change, but feels like he has no choice in the matter.

To add on to this, Jack has been a clear mirror for Dean this entire season. Dean’s argument with Sam about them having no choice is an indication of this. Just an episode prior in 15.15, Jack told Cas that the choice wasn’t his whether or not Jack died. So the pair ups in 15.17 aren’t all that surprising. With the episode being titled “Unity,” I think that the four of them will reach an agreement by the end of the episode (I keep mentioning agreements in all of my metas, because I think Chuck/Amara and Sam/Eileen’s agreement had important implications, but alas...), and be unified in a new plan to defeat Chuck. 

As for Dean? I don’t think his ending is going to be expected. He is changing--he won’t be making the same decisions he used to make in earlier seasons. 

I also find it fascinating that they made 15.16 a flashback episode to their past as children. Not only did 15.16 show us Dean being annoyed by sex, ignoring a possible love interest (which we were right as an audience to assume it would be written that way, because it has been so many times before), and how he’s dealing with the prospect of Jack’s death (with all of the imagery of dead children), but it really brought to light how much Dean has changed. 

The most obvious way they showed us this was through this scene with Caitlin (who looks eerily like a young Mary...interesting), who says this:

(gif credit)

Dean: Always am.

Caitlin: You have changed. The old you never would have admitted that.

Dean: Well, I’m not sure that’s a good thing.

Caitlin: I think so. What do they say about getting older? You tell the truth more because lies...they don’t make anything better. (15.16 Drag Me Away (From You)) 

Now, ignoring the fact that Dean has admitted this (in 1.03), we know that the only time he has admitted to being scared before was in relation to Mary. But I think what the writers were going for here was not only to highlight Dean’s recent character growth by admitting to Caitlin that he’s changed, but also the running theme of lying this season. I’ve said it before that Sam has been the only one telling the truth in s15, and I think it’ll eventually come into play during the final episodes. The truth/lies aspect will become a central plot point--I mean, it already is. But I think it’ll factor into how the show will end as a whole, especially with this episode and previous ones alluding to normalcy and the possibility of it for Sam. 

I’m going to finish this here, because I’ve dragged on too long, but some other (destiel) things to note are:

Dean falling to his knees in the hallway as a parallel to falling on his knees in Purgatory, praying to Cas, apologizing.

Dean cutting off Baba Yaga’s fingers, whereas Cas restored a woman’s fingers in 15x15. The pastor telling Cas that people are god’s hands; they lift each other up with each finger. The implications of Dean cutting people off, and Cas bringing people together.

another amazing meta regarding 15.16 and another about dean changing + 15.16

[fanfic-corner]

A-Spec Across Fandoms

23/10/20 - I know I have already done an a-spec post for Destiel fics, but it is asexual awareness week next week, so I thought I’d read a load of fics with ace characters from a few different shows I like! We have some Supernatural, some Doctor Who, some Sherlock, and a couple from Good Omens. Happy ace week!

Supernatural

broken when I’m lonesome by SailorChibi on AO3. (7,015 words).

Tags: Asexual Castiel, Demisexual Dean, Panromantic Castiel, Biromantic Dean, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, PTSD, Dean Has Self-Esteem Issues, Dean Has a Sexuality Crisis, Angst, Fluff, Touch-Starved, Comfort, Platonic Cuddling, Castiel is Not Oblivious, comments that could be taken as ace-phobic.

My Rating: 5 stars.

Description: After being saved from hell, Dean's old methods of coping aren't working anymore: he's not sexually attracted to anyone, and he's not interested in sex no matter how many times he climbs into bed with hot, naked women. Sam is convinced that his brother is just depressed, but Dean knows this goes deeper than that. He still craves the intimacy that can make him feel safe. Fortunately, Castiel is there to both understand and provide.

Notes: This fic really hit home. I’m not sure if it is because almost every person I have ever talked to has had some form of this conversation, but it was still cute.

La Vie A Plus by K_K_TiBal on AO3. (6,260 words).

Tags: Punk Castiel, Asexual Castiel, College/Uni AU, Roommates, oh my god they were roommates, College Student Dean, College Student Castiel, Pining, First Kiss, Misunderstandings, Art Student Castiel, Love Confessions, Gabriel is a Little Shit, Tattooed Castiel.

My Rating: 5 stars.

Description: Dean Winchester is hopelessly, head-over-heels in love with his best friend and roommate, Castiel. Castiel - with his blue hair, and his tattoos, and his artwork, and his perfect everything. Dean never stood a chance, really. It only sucks because, as far as Dean can tell, Castiel is definitely not interested. But love, much like art, has a way of being unpredictable. Even if you think you know where you're going with it.

Notes: The angst is strong in this one! Again, I feel like many aces have had this conversation or that fear that people (allos, especially) may not want to be with them.

Exposed to What You Hide by SailorChibi on AO3. (1,890 words).

Tags: Alternate Universe - Hunters, Creature Castiel, Procubus Cas, Asexual Castiel, Established Relationship, Hidden Relationship, Assisted Suicide, Cuddling, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff.

My Rating: 4 stars.

Description: "We think Cas is a procubus," Sam blurted out. Then he winced and yelped when Charlie kicked him under the table. "Ow!" "Smooth, Sam," Charlie snapped. Dean looked back and forth between them, realizing that they were both 100% serious. "A procubus." "Basically it's the sexless version of an incubus or a succubus," Charlie explained before Sam could. "It's... it's a demon that kills people by sleeping with them." She was chewing on her thumbnail now, eyes big and apologetic. Sam had done one better pasting on a truly epic kicked puppy expression of apology. "You think Cas is killing people by cuddling with them," Dean said, just to be sure. 

Notes: Well that took a bit of a turn. I’m not sure why, but I love fics where Cas keeps bees, it was just so cute to see him that happy! (Even if he was crazy. Shut up).

Consolation by Trell on AO3. (1,195 words).

Tags: Aromantic, Aromantic Relationship, Asexual Relationship, Asexuality, Asexual Character.

My Rating: 3 stars.

Description: In which both of them are ancient, and neither of them are in love with each other.

Notes: Okay, I would first of all like to say that I do not ship Cas and Ten. I was kind of curious though, and clearly whoever wrote this ships Destiel and Ten/Rose. That being said, I am here for some angst; poor Cas and his unrequited love, and poor Ten because all his friends are dead.

Doctor Who

don’t hold this war inside by WishingTree on AO3. (1,824 words).

Tags: Asexual Yaz, Pre-Relationship, Asexual Character.

My Rating: 5 stars.

Description: “It’s just - I’m scared,” she finally manages. “Scared?” the Doctor stills where she’s been trying to roll up the sleeves of her coat, shoving the material of one arm over her elbow and asking, “Scared of what?” Yaz doesn’t answer, can’t answer, and the Doctor goes to reach for her, aborting the movement halfway and only managing an awkward swaying motion. “...Scared of me?”

Notes: Thasmin is a ship that, had I not stumbled across it on Instagram, would never have thought of on my own. Much like Sabriel, however, now the idea is in my head, I ship it! Also, the author in this fic manages to perfectly capture the Doctor’s personality, which is quite an impressive feat.

Whatever fits my skin by lloydsglasses on AO3. (1,481 words).

Tags: Friendship, Male-Female Friendship, Cross-Generational Friendship, Asexual Character, Asexuality, Canon Gay Character, LGBTQ Character, Aromantic, Pride.

My Rating: 5 stars.

Description: “So, does that happen to you a lot?” Bill asks once they’re safely back in the Doctor’s study, each cradling a mug of tea. “Getting snogged by gorgeous women as a thanks for saving their lives.” The Doctor sets his teacup down gently on the desk, mouth pursing in distaste. “Far more often than I’d like.”

Notes: Oh my god that was so (fucking) cute! Now I want more fics of characters going to pride. Maybe for next June. Also, I’m just saying that I hated Nardole and nothing you can say to me will make me change my mind.

Take It, Leave It (But you’d better believe it) by lloydsglasses on AO3. (760 words).

Tags: Friendship, Male-Female Friendship, Cross-Generational Friendship, Asexual Character. Aromantic, Canon Gay Character, Coming Out, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, LGBTQ Themes.

My Rating: 4 stars.

Description: “I told my foster mum that I’m gay. Now she keeps trying to set me up with guys." 

“Ah,” says the Doctor, with a frown. “That seems… counterintuitive.”

Notes: I’ve always loved Bill and Twelve’s relationship, and this is such a cute scene! It is a crime we haven’t got more River Song content, by the way.

Crescendo by tenscupcake on AO3. (6,013 words).

Tags: Fluff, Asexual Character, Romance.

My Rating: 4 stars.

Description: As her relationship with the Doctor slowly develops into something a little more than friendship, Rose starts to wonder what's holding him back. But one fateful night, he confesses something that makes her realize she never had any reason to worry.

Notes: Beautifully written! I don’t think I’ve ever read a Ten/Rose fic before, but I have always shipped it and it is adorable.

Sherlock

The Important Bit by Solshine on AO3. (9,984 words).

Tags: Asexual Sherlock, Platonic Relationship, Amarriage, Same-Sex Marriage, Bromance, Domestic.

My Rating: 5 stars.

Description: Just where exactly is the line between “to love” and “to be in love”? What difference is required between “flatmate” and “husband”? (Besides the rings, obviously.) No, the important bit is that they have each other. Thirty years, give or take, in an atypical marriage. Basically a long bit of platonic domestic fluff.

Notes: Oh, this is absolutely one of my favourite Johnlock fics now. Absolutely adorable (because I love domestic Johnlock okay), I nearly cried, and now I want all the art of Sherlock with a fancy old cane!

the art of getting by (isn’t really so artsy at all) by stupidmuse_hatesme on AO3. (6,521 words).

Tags: Asexuality, Asexual Character, Asexual Sherlock, Romance, First Time, First Date, Slash.

My Rating: 4 stars.

Description: “He's treating things like they're normal! Things are not normal.” Sherlock drags his hands from his mussed up hair and covers his face. “You aren't helping much,” he mumbles into his palms. “I hope you know that.” The skull only grins from his perch and says not a word. “Really, you're supposed to do more than just--sit there.”

Notes: John is so unbelievably sweet in this, but Sherlock was bit OOC.

what does the world get by coloredink on AO3. (2,302 words).

Tags: Asexuality, Asexual Sherlock, Asexual Character, Asexual Relationship.

My Rating: 3 stars.

Description: A women's magazine quiz leads Sherlock to investigate the nature of love.

Notes: A cute lil’ fic about exploring your (in this case, lack of) romantic and sexual attraction.

Surprisingly Simple by heeroluva on AO3. (855 words).

Tags: Asexuality, Asexual Character, Asexual Relationship, First Kiss, Touching, Fluff, Cuddling and Snuggling. My Rating: 3 stars. Description: In which John is asexual, and Sherlock never asks. Notes: Pretty cute, and it is always nice to see a character who is just cool with it, without some massive explanation. I can dream.

Good Omens

An Honest Surrender by Kedreeva on AO3. (4,107 words).

Tags: Ineffable Husbands, Post-Apocalypse, Love Confessions, Marriage Proposal, Marriage, First Kiss, Cuddling & Snuggling, Fluff and Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Soulmates, Soul Bond, Aziraphale’s True Form, Crowley’s True Form, Asexual Character, Asexual Relationship.

My Rating: 5 stars.

Description: "For six thousand years," Crowley said, voice cracking, "I have wanted something I couldn't have, because I asked the wrong questions. But I'm asking the right one now. The only one that matters." In which Aziraphale follows Crowley home after the nonpocalypse.

Notes: Seriously, reading Good Omens fics always makes me so relaxed and sleepy it is unreal. I need to read them more often. Anyway, this is such a cute explanation for the final episode, and I loved it!

You’re the Only Prayer I Need by Kedreeva on AO3. (5,507 words).

Tags: Ineffable Husbands, Wingfic, Angel Wings, Angel/Demon Relationship, Wing Grooming, Bathing/Washing, Cuddling & Snuggling, Asexual Character, Asexuality, Asexual Relationship, Snake Crowley, Love Confessions, Trust, Non-Sexual Intimacy.

My Rating: 5 stars.

Description: Crowley had, in the six thousand years Aziraphale had known him, shed his skin exactly twice that Aziraphale knew of. Both times he had disappeared without a trace, having retreated somewhere very safe and very, very unknown to hide while he was so vulnerable, and Aziraphale had never thought to ask beyond that information. Everyone was, he had supposed at the time, entitled to their secrets. The problem was that he had stumbled directly into this secret now, and there was hardly a graceful way out of it.

Notes: The sheer level of trust is adorable, and I’m always here for snake Crowley.

A Little Less Celestial by Kedreeva on AO3. (2,360 words).

Tags: Non-Sexual Intimacy, Non-Sexual, Sharing a Bed, Ineffable Husbands, Literal Sleeping Together, Wingfic, Cuddling & Snuggling, Asexual Character, Asexual Relationship.

My Rating: 4 stars.

Description: Aziraphale accidentally falls asleep, and Crowley teaches him sleeping isn't so bad, really.

Notes: Oh my God, this was so calming to read in a way I really can’t describe? Also, now I want a bookshelf bed.

Just One Yesterday by Kedreeva on AO3. (1,952 words).

Tags: True Form Crowley, True Form Aziraphale, Ineffable Husbands, Angst with a Happy Ending, Love Confessions, Post-Apocalypse, Time Travel, Time Loop, Asexual Character, Asexual Relationship, Canon Compliant, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Missing Scene.

My Rating: 3 stars.

Description: Crowley and Aziraphale didn't stop the apocalypse on the first try, but you know what they say... try, try again.

Notes: I could not tell you the plot of this, but that image of Crowley’s true form was beautiful (and the artwork was phenomenal!).

So, there we have it! I hope you enjoy them, and have a nice week. By the way, if you have instagram, please would you consider following @justaceofficial? They are trying to get funding for a TV series which focuses on an asexual main character, and they ran an asexual advent running up to this week!

[xxsovereignsarayaxx]

Supernatural - Road to Revenge Chapter 5

Authors Note: I want to thank my darling @evilispretty-dead for helping me finish this chapter and reassuring me that it wasn't a load of crap. As always if you want to be tagged to keep up to date with the series let me know or is you have a request pop me an ask. After spending some time on this chapter I really do like this one and it might have been my favourite so far to write.

Word Count: 3234

Warnings: Blood, Torture, Implied Sex, Angry Dean.

Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4

“Well, well, well.” Said the unknown voice.

It’s true when they say that once one of your senses is removed, your other remaining ones are heightened. All I could see was darkness but that was because I had something covering my face, a bag or blindfold perhaps. But the room itself was cold and had wooden floorboards judging by the creeks it made when I shifted about in the chair that bound me. The odd bit of breeze passed me as I presumed my captor circled me like a bit of prey. 

“I heard you were looking for me, but looks like I found you first. I’m Actaeon but you already knew that. You don’t seem to be wanting to put up much of a fight, it's a shame really. Your sister Nia was it? She was much more entertaining.” The voice continued in a sickerning tone. I could feel the breath right in front of my face.

“Well being trained by ‘The Men of Letters’ we were taught many things, being captured by demons happened to be on the teaching itenary. Just in time before the summer holidays.” I sassed back. 

The object covering my eyes was ripped off, the thin piece of fabric fluttered to the floor, this was the first time I had looked my captor in their eyes. Making sure to steady my breathing I didn’t want him to think that I was scared, to think that I was weak. That I knew I was not. My eyes quickly darted to parts of the room. Even though it was dark I could see the faint trickle of light coming through the door frame. I tried to twist my bound wrists but to no avail. 

“Now, now little one, it is a shame really though. I saw what you were becoming all those years ago. Cold and heartless ready to take a life when you were told to. Pity that once you fell into the clutches of John Winchester and his boys you gained the one thing I despise.”

“And what would that be?” I asked.

“Compassion.” Actaeon sneered, walking towards a table covered by the shadows. He picked up something I couldn’t see what it was but I knew that he wanted to inflict some form of pain. 

Actaeon held the knife close to my features. “You had so much potential and you wasted it all. I’m disappointed Nicole I really am.”

I shuddered slightly. “I killed your kind! Demons, monsters and ghosts you name it I was sent to kill it.” I spat.

“And who do you think helped give the locations of some of those cases you had? I needed someone to hunt down certain people so I could get a higher position in hell.”

“Yet it was Crowley who helped me track you down. He wants you gone. What was it he said to me? Oh yeah...Bad boys get punished...” I said trying to struggle away from the knife. 

“But look at the predicament you're in, a knife to your throat. No way out and even if you free yourself of your bounds you don’t stand a chance against me. But aren't you curious why I murdered your sister?” 

“I’m not stupid Actaeon you want to bait me. So I lose my temper, so you have the upper hand, you want me to cloud my judgement with my emotions. Even though it pains me to say this, Nia was an easy opportunity; she was a simple throwaway toy for you. But with her you could also kill two birds with one stone. Yes you wanted the scroll from the painting but the thing you wanted more was me. You wanted me to suffer because I killed your love. Cecilia. She was my first demon kill and what you hated the most was the fact I was just a child.” I replied to him. My voice was strong and dominating. I showed no weaknesses towards him.

“So you do remember then?” Actaeon asked me, bending down to my eye level.

“I always remember.”

Night was always the easiest to work, there were always less people about which meant less witnesses. As I ran at full speed through a puddle water droplets splashed on my face I turned the corner and I knew that my trap had worked. I clutched my angel blade in my right hand and the remains of some holy water in my left. 

“Chirsto.” I shouted and the demon fell to her knees. She looked in pain and blond curls fell over her face. 

“P-please don’t” She begged.

“You are a demon...Demons don’t deserve to live. You have taken the lives of so many people but it is ironic that you will die by my hand. A child’s hand no less.” 

I stepped closer so that I was literally inches away. I splashed the remaining water I had on the face of the demon. She screamed in agony. 

I screamed in agony, something that I was now sharing with my first kill. The knife Actaeon held moved upwards to my cheek and he dragged it down towards my neck and past my collarbone. The knife was cold as the metal touched my skin but as the blade tore through me it brought me back to reality.

“Now this is getting me excited, little one.” Actaeon said breaking the torture he lifted the knife to his lips licking the blood that dripped off the edge of the blade.

“Just do what you want to me, get it over with. You’ve killed my family and Dean and Sam? They won’t miss me when I’ve gone.” I said sheepishly. Whatever confidence I had before melted away I knew deep down I wasn’t going to leave alive. 

Actaeon continued the assault. My clothes had been torn and now covered in blood. My face, neck, torso and arms were littered in cuts. I was now nothing more than a shell of my previous self. Hell bent on revenge. And what I told Dean in the past. And when he repeated my own words to me I knew he was right.

With each cut I cried out for help.

“Revenge is a dangerous road to go down Dean! Your head gets filled with emotions and then your judgement is clouded, you don’t think straight and then that's when you get reckless. Trust me I know.” 

Recalling another memory I hung my head in shame. I knew I wasn’t the person ‘The Men of Letters’ tried to mould me to be. I was my own person. I forged my own path thanks to learning the Winchester way. You look out for those who you love. Because a wise salty hunter with a phobia of salad and lover of bullets, booze and bacon once told me that family, don’t end in blood. But it doesn’t start there either. Family cares about you, not what you can do for them, family’s there for the good the bad all of it. They got your back even when it hurts.

“Come now little one, the fun is just beginning. Now where to find your anti-possession tattoo. Shall you tell me or am I going to have to just rip every single piece of clothing from your body to find it?” Actaeon said breaking my train of thought. 

I struggled once more on my bindings, I made a mistake going after Nia’s killer alone. I needed my family. I needed Dean. Actaeon grabbed my chin tightly. “So you finally want to plead for your life?” 

“My name is Nicole Marie Williams and today isn’t my time to die.” I shouted and kicked Actaeon in between his legs. He might be a demon but even demons felt that. My blow caused him to fall to a knee and I used that time to try and wiggle free. Fresh rope burns went over the older ones but all of a sudden the door to the room flew open and two figures stepped through. 

“You’ve been a very bad boy…” Crowley says dripping with sarcasm. 

Within seconds a blast sent Actaeon across the room and pinned to a nearby wall. 

“Shall I end him Fergus?” Said the ginger haired witch I loved but hated at the same time.

“Not today mother that job belongs to Fawn here.” Crowley says slicing through the rope with his angel blade. As I shrugged out of the bindings I picked myself up, I wobbled a little and my head swam because of the blood loss from my injuries but I took the blade from Crowley and made my way over to the demon pinned by magic. 

“I can see the look in your eyes, you're scared. Now you know some of the pain my sister felt and all of the others you have murdered for sport. I hope you get what you deserve you son of a bitch!” And with that I plunged the blade into his heart. The magic that once held him vanished and his body dropped to the floor in a heap . I turned to face Crowley and Rowena.

“Thank you…” I whispered to them. 

“Well I suppose you should get back to your boys, I mean I sent them halfway across the country. Their worried sick Nicole dear.”

“I know I have a lot of making up to do, but I want to make us even.” I said as I bent down and searched for the scroll in the fallen demons pockets.

“This should make us even.” I told the demon and witch as I handed the scroll that started the whole ordeal.

“Is that...The souls of Gabriel?” Rowena asked with her thick scottish accent. 

“That mother it is.” 

“Nicole dear, I sent Dean and Sam to Oregon two days ago. If you leave now you might make it back before them.” 

I nodded my head slowly and with a small smile I handed Crowley his blade and left the building. 

The drive back to Kansas was long and grueling, I had no idea what to say to Sam nor Dean but I knew I had to come up with something. We were a family and with my actions I felt I had almost destroyed it. When I got back to the bunker I needed to patch myself up. I needed several stitches for the wounds that Actaeon had inflicted but the one thing that I had set my mind to. Cas would not be healing me, each scratch, each mark I will be remembering and if I would be left with scars then so be it. 

I pulled into the bunker late in the evening, I remember leaving where I was being held at night but I felt like I had something stuck in my throat as I saw the Impala parked in the drive. My muscles ached from everything I had been through. 

As I heaved myself from the old battered car I had ‘borrowed’ I made my way to the door. I supported my right arm with my left hand due to the deep wound. But I just stood there looking at the door handle. I was nervous...No petrified was more like it. My breathing intensified and I started to sweat and my body shook in fear. I had no idea what was happening to me but I wanted it to stop. I felt tears leak from my eyes and they made my face sting as the droplets rolled into some of the cuts on my face. With a shaky hand I reached for the handle and opened the heavy metal door. I felt like bambi on ice as I took small steps and carefully took to the stairs. I looked down to see both brothers stare at me in pure horror…

“It’s done…” I muttered as I took the last final steps to the ground. Dean had gotten up from his seat and left leaving me with Sam.

“Nik what happened?” He asked, guiding my frail body to the chairs in the library.

“What needed to be done, Actaeon is gone.” I whispered, not looking at Sam. 

I sat in silence as Sam started to patch me up, I felt the burn of the rubbing alcohol as he cleaned each one of my wounds. I felt each time the needle went in and out of my skin. But I refused to mutter a word. In the past I had been shot at, stabbed but this time I felt more pain than anything else I had experienced. 

About twenty minutes had passed and Sam had finally finished the last stitch, he tried to get some small talk out of me but I stayed silent. I looked down seeing the vast amount of bandages on my arms and the large one on my collarbone and neck. Stretching my arms I looked up seeing Sam place the unused first aid items away and throwing the used wipes and wrappers in the bin. He looked at me offering a small smile. 

“Nik, it’s ok please talk to me.” He offered as he tried to reassure me.  

I opened my mouth but then shut it just as quickly. I looked down at the floor. 

“How bad is it?” I asked softly.

“Dean’s...He...He’s angry Nik. He’s angry that you left him to deal with this on your own. That whatever was in your past you felt the need to keep from us. That you don’t trust us enough to know what happened.” Sam responded.

“What about you? How do you feel?” I whispered.

“I kept the thing about ‘The Book of the Damned’ a secret so we’re even but you never hide things away from my brother Nik, he is also pissed that you punched him.” Sam said ending his sentence with a chuckle.

“I didn’t want Actaeon to use Dean or me as leverage for one another, but I also didn’t want Dean finding out who I really was all those years ago. I thought it would scare him.” I said honestly.

“Speaking of that, what did you mean when you told Dean about running away from your old home?” Sam asked hoping you would speak to him.

“Let me get things right with Dean and I’ll tell you both everything. I promise.” I murmured 

Sam nodded. I got up from the chair and steadily headed down the hallway. Using the walls to steady myself so I wouldn’t fall. I stood in front of our bedroom door and I paused for a moment. I felt the rush of the nervousness and fear once more. With a shaky hand, I knocked on the door softly with my knuckle. Then I reached for the golden doorknob and opened the door slowly. I saw Dean sat at the edge of the bed hunched over resting his forearms on his knees. He didn’t acknowledge me as I entered the room. Cautiously walking over I sat next to him. Feeling the shift in the mattress as I sat he immediately got up heading over to the desk in the room.

“What the hell was that?” Dean asked with a growl.

“WHAT WAS THAT?!?!” Dean shouted.

“I didn’t want you getting hurt.” I started letting out a shaky breath. We didn’t argue like this often. And I knew that a storm was brewing.

“I thought you trusted me? I thought we were partners?” Still keeping his voice raised.

“We are.” I attempted.

“Really? Then why did I wake up with a killer headache, flat tyres and you missing only to see one of your guns next to me and your phone smashed to bits.” 

“I had too! I...I...I...I didn’t want Actaeon using either one of us as bait for each other, he relied on emotions but I didn’t want you seeing what I was doing, I didn’t want you to see me stoop so low. Yes I made a mistake doing it alone and I released it far too late. At one point I thought I was going to die. But the reason why Nia was killed in the first place was because of me! I wanted to try and right a wrong. You of anybody should understand that. I could have made a demon deal, I could have tried magic to bring her back but I’m not you or Sam...I’m not that lucky. But what about the times when you left Sam to do your crusading. The times you left both of us even though we agreed to do it together….”

“That was different Nik and you know it!” Dean interrupted.

“How is it? How was it different?” I pleaded.

Dean just looked at me dead in the eyes. I could tell he wanted to object to what I just said but he couldn’t, from looking at him I saw how tired his eyes were, that he hadn’t had a shave in days, the stubble appearing on his jawline and features. 

“What I did was no different to what you would have done, we’re so alike and at times it's scary but it’s what makes us work! But now that this has happened and that my past is out there coming to get me I need to be honest with you and your brother and I’m going to tell you it all, yes I’m frightened by this and I’m scared at the fact you both might push me away but I also know either of you won’t do that because we’re a family. But I want us to be good before I do that. I am so sorry that I left you in the middle of nowhere, I’m sorry that you had to resort to asking Rowena for help.”

“You saw me when I was a demon Nik, you saw what I was. Hell I tried to kill you and Sam that day in this place. And yet you still loved me. You still cared. Whatever your past is it can’t be any worse than that.” Dean said softly, tears welling up in his eyes. 

“At times I think that it is.” I said softly getting up from the bed moving to Dean’s side. 

“Look what he did to you.” His fingers ghosting over the bandages.

“Head to the library I’ll meet you there, I just need to get something first.” I told him planting a kiss to his stubbly cheek and made a move to the door. But I was stopped in my tracks. 

Dean grabbed a hold of my wrist and pulled me to him, I let out an excited breath before I was then devoured with kiss after kiss. I ran my fingers through his hair and tugged on a few of the strands, Dean span round and lifted me onto his hip moving backwards to pin me against the wall, his lips moved to the exposed parts of skin on my neck planting small kisses up and down my neck and left side of my collarbone. Using his much larger hands he brought my arms just above my head and held onto them, the action hurt but in a good way and Dean knew it. I was feeling on top of the world right now thanks to the mix of dopamine, oxytocin and painkillers.

“Sam can wait…” Dean breathed.

[misha-moose-dean-burger-lover]

Babysitting and Pizzamanning

Calm down, calm down, calm down!

Who was that even directed to? Castiel? Or the infant in his arms?

Castiel continued to cradle the baby, bouncing slightly as he shifted weight from one hip to the other, to an inaudible rhythm. Gia, Nora's daughter, and his charge for the night, cried, unaffected by his many efforts to make her stop.

Why isn't she calming down!? Could something be wrong?

Castiel had just changed her diaper, and they'd already had dinner, and Gia had been enthusiastic about the mush-up Nora had left behind with instructions.

The day wasn't too cold, and it wasn't too hot. She seemed fine before, too - though the pink of her cheeks now was probably to be attributed to the continuous crying, rather than good health.

Shouldn't get tensed around the baby, Cas. Shouldn't, at all.

But, sweaty and exhausted, as Castiel sighed nervously at the infant in his arms - he knew he wasn't abiding by the commands given by the voice of reason, in his head. How could he not worry? The baby just wouldn't sleep - he'd tried all, from singing, to talking to her, and was back to bouncing on his heels. It was clearly his prime failure as a babysitter, not to mention, it incessantly worried him that something was not right.

Shouldn't get tensed! Everything is fine! You just suck at making her go to sleep! Stop worrying - the baby will sense it, and not stop crying! Don't get tensed!

How could he not?

Think about something else!

And this time, Castiel listened - hurriedly escaping to one of his favorite avenues of thought - Dean Winchester. The man who was perhaps the most perfect part of his life, somehow, his boyfriend too.

It was always surreal thinking of that, but god, Castiel loved the sheer joy which surged through him on thinking of Dean Winchester.

Maybe it's working! The baby just stopped fidgeting!

Okay, then. More thinking of Dean. Huh. Not gonna be a problem.

Of course, there was a certain smidge of worry associated with Dean too, these days. The 18-year-old may have been a Senior, like Castiel - but he worked a helluva lot more. While all the work Castiel did, was things that could earn him credit on college applications - Dean Winchester, son of John Winchester, worked to earn, for himself and his brother. More so, than usual - because John had disappeared again, and his brother was about to start highschool, and that meant a lot more spending, and Castiel knew that Dean held himself responsible for everything Sam Winchester related.

So, Castiel may babysit, because Nora's friends with his dad, but Dean had a variety of jobs, and had 14 hour days, most days of the month and it sucked, in all regards.

The baby may have stopped crying, but you're beginning to get tensed again, and you know what happens then!

Babysitting was not simply a favor. It was an entire psychological enigma, and a challenge of emotions, complete with the threat of the baby crying for what seems like forever if you're responsible for her, if he deflected from his mission.

Okay, then. Not-worrying things about Dean. There were plenty of those, too. He could think of their kisses, the really soft ones, and the against-the-wall ones - that one time in the cafeteria as a gesturical-middle-finger to the homophobic cheerleader, and all of those sneaky, silent ones, which probably he liked best.

But again, 'kissing his boyfriend' wasn't exactly the kind of thinking he needed to be doing, with a silent, sniffling baby in his arms.

Wait. She's gone silent. She's almost still.

"Is Gia sleepy?" He cooed to her, hopefully.

She gurgled incoherently in response, but no. That meant yes, Castiel was pretty sure. Also, his arms were tired for now, and he could just put her in her cradle for once - if need be, he'd pick her up again and do the bounce-her-around-while-thinking-of-Dean thing, he may be good at, considering it brought such a quick result.

"So, I'm gonna put you to bed, okay?" He continued to tell her exactly what he was doing, in his most calming baby-voice, trying hard to keep her as still and probably asleep, as she was. "And Gia's going to go to sleep, right? And Cas will sit down, and hope Gia stays asleep, won't he? And you're going to sleep real nice, alright? G'night, Gia, and sweet dreams, okay?" He finished tucking her in, pulling the little blanket up to her neck, and letting out a sigh as he staggered backwards to the couch and landed with a soundless motion.

The baby-voice sucks - you think it means speaking in third person and adding question tags everywhere, but it's more than that. You do not know how to speak to a baby.

Whatever. Clearly, Gia didn't mind enough to wake up, so he didn't care.

Phew!

Just when Cas was about to bring out his phone, and maybe have a little time to himself - that meant texting Dean, mostly, even though Dean'd probably be too engaged to reply to Cas - the doorbell rang.

Cas glanced at the clock, and no, it wasn't time for Nora to have returned at all. Who else could it be?

He walked to the door, careful not to step too loud - babysitting is not child play, remember? - and looked through the eyehole.

"We didn't order any pizza -" He started, opening the door after catching glimpse of the person's hat.

"How about me, though?" And there was a toothy grin, followed by Dean lifting the hat from his face to meet Cas's eyes. "Any chance you ordered your really sexy boyfriend, with a side of he-fulfils-all-my-kinks?"

"What the hell are you talking about?" Cas laughed, pleased to see Dean, as he always is. He pulled Dean into a one-armed hug, and Dean pressed his lips to Cas's neck, and a shudder went through him. "Dean." Cas warned, biting his lip, to keep from smiling too hard - because Dean was here, and kissing him wherever he was allowed, and it was one of the best moods he'd found him lately.

"What, I can't kiss you now?" Dean feigned taking offense. "After I show up here, like this, I don't even get to -"

And Dean may have kept on speaking, but Cas stopped listening.

The dots connected.

Jesus Christ.

The pizzaman and the babysitter. One of the most spectacular moments in their relationship had been when Dean discovered that Cas was watching porn next to him, as he finished up his calculus. It'd been closer to the start of their relationship. He'd looked at Cas like he made no sense, muttered something about not watching porn in a room with another guy, and kissed him silly. But Cas had had no idea he'd remembered.

"...I guess we can finally answer why the pizzaman kept slapping the babysitter's 'rear', though he truly loved her." Dean quoted, mockingly, and Cas broke into a chuckle. "Probably because even after the pizzaman came all the way to the other end of town for the babysitter, after a really long day of a lot of crap, the babysitter wouldn't even let him kiss his neck."

"How are you this great?" Cas mumbled, having run out of words.

Dean rubbed the back of his neck, looking at his feet. "Nevermind all that, Cas. You tell me, how does it feel to be living your porn fantasy -"

"- its not, it just happened to be on -"

"- shuddup, I know this is your secret, wet dream material." Dean teased, leaning in. "But, tell me, though. How turned on are you on a scale from 0 to 10?"

"2, and I feel guilty." Cas threw back, still grinning so hard that it could've physically hurt his face. "I'm babysitting, Dean. And this isn't pornography, though you tried to make it like one and I love you for that, so I can't afford to forget about Gia."

Cas took half a step inside, and Dean looked visibly subdued.

"I -" He let out, in a small voice.

"You did not think this through..?" Cas helped, apologetic, and feeling disappointed himself. Because damn, Dean seemed to be in a total mood. And Cas was, after all, a human teenager in love with him.

"Yeah, no, of course not," Dean huffed. "I know, we can't have s-e-x around a baby."

Cas couldn't help reaching out and cupping Dean's face, and pulling it slightly down to comfortably fit their lips together. "That reminds me of Joey Tribbiani, and you're - awesome, Dean. I don't know, thanks for doing this."

"Though it sucked, in the end." Dean sighed, and suddenly, how tired he was began to be apparent. He was practically slumping, and there were clear dark circles under his eyes - way more prominent than they'd been in the day, at school.

"No, it didn't." Cas objected, furrowing his eyebrows. "Hey, Dean, I have sort of an idea. We obviously cannot," he lowered his voice, with a grin. "Have sex, but you could probably stay. I could ask Nora if I can have a friend over."

"'Gas 'N Sip' Nora?" Dean confirmed. Small town benefits. "Oh, her? Yeah, she likes me. Gives discounts on crap, just because." He smiled, but it was almost forced. Oh, Dean was so exhausted. Cas felt a pang of hurt. "I'm sorta a regular, so -"

"Perfect. I'll text her. She didn't mind the last time, so she really couldn't mind this time either." Cas beamed at him, hiding his worry at Dean's manner. "Come on in. Gia is in the first bedroom on the left, so we'll have to stay there too."

"Thanks," Dean added, after he'd planted another chaste kiss on Castiel's lips, and followed his instructions to go in. Cas heard what he didn't say, but implied. Thanks for not making me go back to my part of town alone, right now.

He worked so hard, Cas awedly thought to himself, as he leaned against the closed door, and typed in a message to Nora.

Seeing the opportunity, he also slipped in a 'Gia is asleep now, but she cried a lot earlier. If you say a doctor is necessary, I can take her. Dean knows Dr. Singer personally.' Satisfied, he walked back to the bedroom.

So what if they hadn't been able to do anything right now? They had the rest of the night to. Nora would be back in a couple of hours. Cas could insist that Dean didn't need to take the bus, and offer to spend the night together at his house.

Then, they could -

But, oh.

Dean was already asleep.

The room was quite empty of furniture except for Gia's cradle and a single couch, and both the baby and his boyfriend lay peacefully asleep on them respectively.

Something inside him melted into a fuzzy warm feeling, as he looked at Dean, snoring slightly, and very asleep for so little time. But then the voice in his head, which was most often, if not always, Dean's, resounded.

Don't watch over people who're sleeping, Cas. That's creepy.

So, Castiel obeyed, and went over to the kitchen, with a smile dangling from his lips, to prepare microwave some of the food Nora left for him - and since she'd given him permission to use her stuff (by which she meant television and WiFi probably, but Cas would extend it to kitchen articles) he began to prepare grilled cheese for his very cheesy boyfriend.

Nor that he'd watched the video many times, or anything, but he was pretty sure it didn't involve the pizzaman falling asleep next to the baby, and looking like the most adorable person to ever exist.

But hey, everyone has their own stories. Every babysitter has their own pizzaman.

PROMPT CREDIT: @geeky-princess

Taglist: @ctrl-alt-destiel @awkward-penguin-in-a-trenchcoat @styggtroll @adventurous-blob @petrichoravellichor @all-or-nothing-baby @iamcharliebradburylevelperfect @moderatelypanickedbisexual @elvenlicht @legendary-destiel @a-mess-of-many-fandoms @trenchcoatsandfreckles @noemithenephilim @naitia @ladywaywarddsc I know this is like the second one of the day (but I probably won't be able to do another for days now, so bear with me!)

[spnjediavenger]

Chapter 16: Rescue

Disclaimers: I do not own Supernatural, any of the script, any of its characters, or Jenny or Shane

Co-Produced by: @sarimaposthumous (thank you for helping me figure this out!)

Spoilers: Season 14

Warnings: mentions of torture (light descriptions), psychological/emotional torture, shit ton of flashbacks

TRIGGER WARNING: very brief mention of suicide (no details, basically just the word), flashback with implied sexual assault (vague), panic attack

Notes: Please leave a comment and let me know what you think! And much love to those who have liked and/or reposted!!! <3

Chapter 16: Rescue

It’s been three days since Lucifer kidnapped Elliana. Wait...was it three days or three weeks? No, maybe it was three months...six months? Ellie wasn’t too sure how long it’d been anymore. One thing she was sure of was that it’s been way too long.

Ellie has long since given up on trying to escape; and suicide was no longer an option since Lucifer just brought her back, needing her to be alive to have leverage against the Winchesters. She tried anything and everything she could to get out of her cell all for nothing. All she could do was sit in her misery; take the intermittent beatings and psychological tortures.

She barely saw Lucifer much anymore since being expelled from Cas’ vessel. So Damon became the more frequent ‘companion’, taking pleasure in hurting her on a regular basis.

“The last remaining Moore,” he would snark, walking in to harass Elliana again. During one of his last visits, he informed her that he killed her brother. Now she was the last of her family. And he was going to take his time with this one, since no one was around to witness anything. He would beat and hurt her, leaving her severely injured but nothing fatal. He would leave her on the brink so Lucifer could come back to heal her, then let Damon start over again. His favorite thing to do, however, was to hurt her psychologically. Physical pain she could take. He had tried his hardest to pull a ‘mercy!’ from her lips. He’d gone through every injury he could think of. But psychologically? That was a big winner. Making her relive her worst memories:

Kali leaned down and caressed Gabriel’s face. “I’m sorry.” She slid the angel blade through Gabriel’s abdomen, causing light to stream from his mouth and eyes.

“Nooo! Gabriel!!” Ellie shouted, jumping up from her chair, only to be pulled back by Sam. “No!” she cried, fighting against the younger Winchester, who only held her tighter.

“I don’t want to,” 4-year-old Elliana cried.

“You have to,” he said, feigning innocence.

Ellie had no idea what any of this was or what it meant. All she knew was it felt wrong and she was scared. Confused.

“Here I thought you’d be happy to see me again. The last time I was around, we got pretty close.”

Ellie became weak from all the blood he had drained. She could barely put up a fight. It was different this time, but more terrifying now that she understood things.

“Please, don’t,” she begged. She could feel herself shutting down but managed to scream one more “Please!” before his body overtook hers.

“Jenny,” she began, turning to face her. “Where’s Shane?”

“Look, a little while after you left – maybe about 6 months ago…a demon…the demon who killed my family…” she inhaled a shaky breath before continuing. “I was locked in the supply closet and I heard the fighting…and the screaming, but the demon got the better of him. Shane, he…he managed to exorcise it, but when I ran out he…he died in my arms.”

“But uh… they just kind of vanished one day… said they were checking something out for the case we were working and would text me soon and…they never did. I tried looking for them but came up with nothing… I guess they just left me,” she shrugged, quickly wiping a few stray tears away.

Sam reached a hand toward Kevin, setting Anaya off, and Elliana went to shove him away before a force threw them across the room. He placed a hand on Kevin’s head and Ellie shouted out a desperate ‘No! Kevin!’ as light streamed from his eyes and mouth and he let out a long scream.

Ellie cried.

But not the cliché crying where a single tear slips down her cheek as she holds his forehead to hers. The real crying. The ugly crying. The crying where choked sounds escape her throat and a stream of tears and snot run down her reddened face as she grips his body so tight her knuckles turn white; where her sobs don’t allow her to appropriately release her emotions so she screams until her throat is raw; where she eventually passes out from her hyperventilating and collapses onto his lifeless body.

Twisting good memories into bad ones:

“You gonna be alright, kiddo?” Dean asked, noticing the smile on her face.

“It’ll take a while,” she admitted. “But I think so. And I have you three as well,” she said, smiling at each of them.

“Damn straight,” Dean said, giving her a hug.

A twig snapped behind the group, causing them all to turn around - to find Lucifer.

The fallen archangel stood there with a confident smirk, arms crossed.

“What? No ‘hello’?”

Before Sam, Dean, Cas, or Elliana got the chance to react, the boys fell and began writhing on the ground in pain. Ellie fell on her knees, placing a careful hand on Sam’s shoulder.

“Sam??” The girl then glanced at Lucifer. “What are you doing?! Leave them alone!”

“Why? The fun’s just beginning,” he said, closing a fist and twisting it around. Blood poured from the boys’ eyes and they cried out in agony. Tears began to flow from Ellie’s eyes as well, feeling helpless as her friends were being tortured.

“Kevin!” Elliana called out. She ran over and threw her arms around the prophet’s neck, retracting quickly when he groaned in pain. “Are you ok? What happened? Where were you?! Come on, let’s get you to the motel and clean you up.”

She held out a hand for Kevin to take when a knife pierced through his chest, eliciting a pained shout from him.

“Nooo!” Ellie cried. Kevin’s body dropped as the knife was pulled out. A demon stood in his place, eyes flashing jet black.

“Ok,” Ellie said, letting out a tired sigh. “Almost out.”

Bess had been in labor for hours now but everything had been going smoothly. Well, as smoothly as giving birth can go. But Bess was holding out like a champ.

Finally, the baby was out.

“It’s a girl,” Elliana smiled, holding the newborn. But her smile slowly faded as she realized the infant had yet to utter a single noise. The next moments were a flash of searching for a heartbeat, attempted resuscitation, and, finally, heartbreak. The child was gone.

And giving her nightmares that play on her fears and insecurities:

Elliana sat huddled in the corner of a room, arms wrapped tightly around her knees as her whole body shook in fear. She tried and failed to control her hyperventilation.

“What the hell, Ellie?!” Jenny yelled, coming into view. “Pull yourself together! It’s a good thing I was here to save your sorry ass; you can’t even take care of yourself and control your stupid fears.”

Tears now filled Ellie’s eyes as her friend berated her.

“You’re useless!”

Elliana woke up, though kept her eyes closed, tears still streaming from under her eyelids. She went to sit up, but let out a pained sob when a shooting pain ran through her arm, broken by Damon the day before. Her other ‘light’ injuries stung with her movements as well.

Dean chased Elliana through the halls of the bunker, knife in his hand. Ellie’s lungs begged for air and muscles screamed for a break. As she rounded the next corner, she tripped and landed hard on the cement floor, a grunt escaping her lips. She shot back up but ended up right in Dean’s grip. He spun her around and pushed her into the wall next to them. Ellie fought against his grip but he was too strong. His eyes flashed black before returning to their normal color.

“Caught you,” he smirked, fingers digging into her shoulders. Ellie bit her tongue, refusing to let out any pained noises. “Let’s play a game. See how much it takes for you to give up.” His look turned from devilish to fully dangerous, expression darkening a considerate amount.

“Dean, this isn’t you,” Elliana said, voice shaking. Her frightened eyes searched his. “This is the mark. Please, just let me go and let Sam and me help you.”

“Oh, but this is me, Ells,” he mocked, smirk returning. De is right here. New and improved. I’m seeing things in a whole new light. Letting everything out. I can finally tell you how pathetic you are without worrying about your feelings-”

“Dean, please-”

“We only took you in out of pity; we would’ve been forced with guilt if you died on your own, feeling wrongfully responsible for you. You’re weak. Pitiful,” he spat out the last two words; each one sent daggers into Elliana’s heart. She squeezed her eyes shut and rested her head against the wall. “And guess what, princess - we never loved you.”

She bit back her sobs; even though she had already cried and let out forced pained sobs, she didn’t want to give her captors any more satisfaction than she needed to. Plus, being strong (or trying to at least) gave her something else to do in her time alone.

Elliana was back at Garth and Bess’ house. She walked through the door and heard Garth screaming. Ellie’s eyes widened and she ran through the house trying to find him, finally seeing him in the basement strapped to the dentist chair he kept.

And Bess and Gertie were dead on the floor.

“No…” Ellie whispered desperately. “No…”

Lucifer now appeared in front of Garth, smirking as he held a knife in his hands.

Garth closed his eyes tiredly and rested his head back against the chair.

“Alright,” the devil said. “I saved the best for last. Ready for round three?”

“Please,” Garth begged. “I don’t know where she is.”

“Garth! Lucifer, stop! I’m right here! Take me!” Ellie yelled.

But they didn’t hear or see her. It was like she was invisible to them.

She shouted and cried and begged Lucifer to stop, as she was forced to watch him torture Garth. Ellie’s cries became strangled and exhausted. Garth was suffering. Because of her.

Ellie flinched when the door to her cell opened and a set of shoes stepped in, door shutting behind them. The shoes stepped slowly - tauntingly until stopping in front of Ellie’s face. The person they belonged to squatted down more to her level. Elbows resting on the knees, and hands clasped together, Damon spoke.

“So, what shall we do today?”

The cell door slammed shut one more time, leaving Elliana crying on the ground again, curled up in pain. She let out silent sobs and buried her face in her arms. She didn’t know how much more she could take. She slowly reached into the waistband of her jeans and pulled out her keychain she had always kept on her. It was the only thing Lucifer and Damon hadn’t found. It was her only source of comfort.

She laid it over her good hand and looked at the amulet Gabriel had gifted her after his death. She closed her hand to the best of her ability, being sore just about everywhere, and held it to her head. She hoped for some kind of comfort. Some kind of transference of positive feelings. Instead, she was met with a burning sensation, causing her to shoot up and drop the chain on the floor in shock. Eyes wide open, she stared at the amulet, which was glowing white now.

In a most dire time, it’ll lead you the right way, Gabriel’s written words echoed in her head. But what did it mean?

The sound of fluttering wings came from behind Eliiana and she cringed in fear, waiting for Lucifer to hit her. But instead, her eyes followed the amulet as it slid across the floor and into Gabriel’s hand.

Ellie’s eyes widened again and tears immediately streamed from them.

“G-...Gabriel?” she said, voice strained and cracking. “Gabriel?”

The archangel smiled warmly, pushing his anger down at whoever hurt his ladybird; he needed to stay calm for Ellie’s sake. “Hey, little wolf.” He knelt down slowly, so as to not alarm her, and pressed two fingers to her forehead, healing all her injuries. She let out a gasp of relief. She took a few deep breaths, relishing in the ability to take in air without pain. As soon as her body felt satisfied, she jumped over to fling her arms around Gabriel, making him chuckle as she almost toppled him over. He wrapped his arms around her and lifted the girl off the ground, eliciting a small giggle. Gabriel smiled bigger, missing the sound, and hugged her tighter.

“You were dead,” Elliana whispered, tears still leaking from her eyes.. “I thought you were dead. We all did. How are you here?”

“It’s a long story. But I’m here now, little wolf. I’m here. Now,” he said, putting her back on her feet. “Let’s get you out of here.” He went to wrap an arm around her but she lightly pushed it away.

“Wait,” she said. “Take me to Damon. I have to do something first,” she practically snarled.

Gabriel smirked deeply, more than happy to oblige. “Here,” he said, handing her a pair of enochian brass knuckles. “You may need these.”

Ellie smirked, too, and took the knuckles. She put an arm around Gabriel and they poofed to another room of the building, appearing behind Damon who sat cross-legged on a couch. Upon hearing the sound of fluttering wings, he turned around expecting Lucifer but was met with a hard punch to the face, sending him falling to the floor. The demon looked up, holding his jaw.

“Now it’s my turn,” Elliana said darkly. She began to beat him with everything she had, emptying out all of her anger. When she was satisfied enough, Damon laying bloody and broken on the floor, she reached into his jacket pocket and took her necklace that he had taken after Lucifer kidnapped her and Gabriel’s archangel blade. “This is mine,” she growled, proceeding to stab him in the chest with the blade, satisfaction filling her as orange streaks ran throughout his body. She pulled the blade out, hard look still on her face. She walked over to Gabriel, giving him back his blade (since he was in fact not dead, she figured he would need it more than her), and let him take her away.

Elliana sat cuddled into Gabriel’s side, one of his arms draped around her shoulders with his head resting on hers. He ran a comforting hand over her arm as they sat in silence. Ellie drew in her guardian’s comfort and closed her eyes.

“Do you really have to go?” she whispered.

She couldn’t see the deep frown that pulled at Gabriel’s lips or the way he set his jaw to push his emotions down.

“Yeah, little wolf. I do.”

“Just stay, Gabe,” Ellie said, sitting up to look him in the eyes. “We can protect you here,” she continued, gesturing in the general direction of the bunker they sat mere yards away from.

Gabriel sighed. “Elliana, I can’t put you guys in danger like that; especially you,” he said, placing a loving hand on her cheek. His heart warmed when she unconsciously turned into his touch. She cut his feelings short when she removed his hand with hers, but continued to hold it in desperation.

“Gabriel...please,” she begged. “I-...I can’t lose you again. Please let me help you.”

The archangel pursed his lips and shook his head, eyes darting to the ground before looking back at Ellie. “I’d be the worst guardian ever if I did that,” he attempted a joke. When seeing she wouldn’t take it, he went to speak again but was cut off when the sound of tire screeches in the distance were heard. Gabriel knew who it was. “Come here.” He stood up with Elliana and pulled her into a hug. Elliana struggled a little bit, wanting to break off and defend him, but Gabriel only held her tighter. She finally gave in and wrapped her arms around him just as tightly.

“Please,” she whimpered, eyes tearing up.

“Take care, little wolf. It’ll be ok. I’ll be ok.”

Ellie let out a half-hearted chuckle. “You may be a trickster but you can’t deceive me, Gabey.”

Gabriel rolled his eyes and gave her a poke. “I told you I hate that nickname.”

The girl smiled sadly and pulled him closer.

Shouts came from behind them and Gabriel kissed Ellie’s head and went to run off after saying, “I love you, E.”

Sounds of a struggle followed soon after and Elliana pushed forward into a sprint, trying to find them. She knew Gabriel told her to stay away but she couldn’t help it. She made it to the clearing at the entrance of the bunker in enough time to see a beaten Gabriel being shoved into a car. Gabriel saw her and snapped his fingers to transport her inside the bunker right in the middle of her screaming, “No!”

Sam and Dean, who sat in their rooms, shot up at hearing her shout and bolted out to the bottom of the bunker’s stairs. They stopped dead in their tracks at seeing Elliana there, but once they recovered they ran over and pulled her into a hug.

“Oh God...Ellie, you’re safe.”

“What the hell happened? Are you alright?”

“How’d you get away from Lucifer?”

“Did he do anything to you?”

“How did you get here?”

“Why were you screaming?”

None of the questions received an answer because Ellie was too overwhelmed. She had no idea what to feel or focus on. As the brothers gave each other a concerned glance, they felt Ellie finally hug them back, deciding to let relief take the front seat. She would find Gabriel and save him. But she needed to rest first; she wouldn’t be any use to him mentally burned out. So she let out a shaky sigh and pulled the boys closer.

“Gosh, I missed you guys,” she said. “I...I’ll explain everything later. I just want a hug right now.”

The guys chuckled a bit and smiled, gladly obliging. They had no idea what was going on but they were beyond relieved to have Ellie back safe and sound.

[themadamelibrarian]

Chapters: 8/8 Fandom: Supernatural Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester, Gabriel/Lucifer/Sam Winchester (Implied) Characters: Castiel, Dean Winchester, Gabriel, Lucifer, Sam Winchester Additional Tags: trigger warning: self-harm, Nesting, Angels Nesting, mentions of torture, Traumatized!Lucifer, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Season 11 Divergence, John Winchester's A+ Parenting, Fluff, First Kiss, Bunker Life Series: Part 1 of Loving Heart Summary: Lucifer wakes up after being ejected from Castiel's vessel and back into his temporary one, now made for him. Realizing that the Winchesters, Castiel, and Gabriel aren't going to hurt him or kill him for the things he's done to them is a long arduous path that leads him on the road to redemption.

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Chapter 1

When God gave Lucifer a second chance, Lucifer woke up in Nick’s vessel, with Gabriel and Castiel peering at him.

“He’s awake,” Castiel reported clinically.

“Good observation, Cassie, tell me something I don’t already know,” Gabriel said dryly before reaching out to stroke Lucifer’s hair. The elder archangel recoiled from the touch, causing his brother to frown.

“Luci? Luci, it’s okay,” Gabriel tried to soothe the skittish archangel, but the Devil wasn’t having any of it. He got out of the bed and began backing away from the two angels. He felt weaker, slightly more human in this vessel. He didn’t see the confusion in the baby blue eyes of Castiel, nor the worry in the amber eyes of Gabriel- all he saw was anger and hurt, and he was sure that they were going to hurt him.

Gabriel cautiously advanced and Lucifer turned to run, and run he did until he smacked straight into Sam Winchester.

Oh no. He’s going to hurt me. He struggled in the now stronger man’s grip, whimpering.

“Gabe?” Sam called, gently rubbing Lucifer’s back to try to calm him down, but Lucifer knew better. This was a torture method. Get him all nice and relaxed and trusting before unleashing unspeakable pain.

“Oh, good, you have him.”

Lucifer flinched and tried to get out of Sam’s grip.

“Hey, hey, relax, shh, it’s okay,” Sam tried to soothe.

Giant gold wings came into Lucifer’s line of vision and he screamed at the sight, whining.

“Hey, hey, hey, what’s going on here?”

Oh fuck, Dean Winchester’s here, he was going to wish he was dead, he was one of Alastair’s best pupils.

“Lucifer. Look at me,” Dean said calmly

Lucifer hiccuped and turned to look at the elder Winchester and gave a whimper of fear.

“Hey, what’s the matter?”  he asked, reaching out to stroke Lucifer’s cheek. The Devil shrank back from the Righteous Man and his touch.

“What? You don’t wanna be touched?”

“Please don’t hurt me,” Lucifer whispered.

Dean gave a kind smile. “Oh, Lucifer, we’re not going to hurt you,” he said gently.

Lucifer’s lower lip wobbled, unable to be certain of Dean’s intentions, shaking in Sam’s arms. He was cold, very cold.

“Cas, go grab a blanket,” Dean said. “We got you, Lucifer, okay? Nothing bad is going to happen to you, alright?”

Lucifer shook his head, not understanding. He was in a room with people who he had hurt or killed or tortured to insanity or any combination thereof, and they weren’t going to hurt him? That made no sense!

A thick, warm blanket was draped around his shoulders and Gabriel tucked him in close, trying to calm down the squirming Lucifer. “Hey, hey, Luci, it’s okay, we’re not going to hurt you, I promise,” he whispered.

Tears rolled down Lucifer’s cheeks and Castiel gently wiped them away. “What did Father do?” he whispered.

“I think God made him more human and less angel, so he’s feeling human emotions,” Sam whispered. “And he’s feeling like, since he hurt us, we’re going to hurt him.”

Dean nodded. “Well, we’re just gonna have to show him that we’re not. God gave us a direct order.”

Lucifer wasn’t hearing any of this, he was planning his escape.

The excitement from everything caused him to faint.

He woke up several hours later to a pitch black room, night having fallen while he was asleep. He let out a blood-curdling scream.

Gabriel flew in, his golden wings blazing with light. “What’s the matter, Luci?” he asked in concern.

Lucifer backed away, moving as far from Gabriel as possible, scared of the light and the shadows and his brother.

Gabriel sat down on the opposite end of the bed. “Come here, Luci,” he coaxed. “I won’t harm you, I promise.”

Lucifer shook his head stubbornly.

“Come on,” Gabriel coaxed. “Come cuddle with me.”

It took several minutes and Gabriel hiding his wings (after turning on a light) and lots of gentle coaxing before Lucifer finally made his hesitant journey to Gabriel, who hauled him into his lap. After some prompting, Lucifer buried his face into Gabriel’s shoulder, crying softly.

“What’s the matter, Luci?” the golden angel asked.

The fallen angel sniffled and shook his head, not saying. He didn’t want to say that he was afraid of the dark, afraid that he’d open his eyes again and be back in the Cage, being tortured again or that there was going to be demons there who hated him and were out for his blood. He didn’t want to admit that he expected Dean there with an archangel's blade, or Sam hyped up on demon blood to destroy him forever, waiting in the shadows for their revenge.

He didn’t want to admit that he felt human.

“Okay, you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to,” Gabriel hummed. “Just stay right here, okay?”

Lucifer hesitated, then nodded.

Gabriel hummed a familiar tune as Lucifer clung to him and cried quietly. Never once did his younger brother mention that he was crying or anything. Just sat there, holding Lucifer, humming.

Lucifer fell asleep clutching his brother tight.

The next few days were hard on everyone. Lucifer wasn’t responding to anyone really. It took a lot of coaxing and a lot of gentle, soothing words that nothing bad was going to happen to him to even get him to allow soft, gentle touches. He woke up every night and screamed, but refused to tell whoever came to comfort him why he did so, or why he shook and tried to move as far away from the comforter as possible when they came in.

It was Sam, surprisingly, who was able to pry the reason out of the skittish Devil one day, about a week after Lucifer opened his eyes.

“Lucifer. What’s wrong?” he asked, straight up and simple, his eyes going into the mournful puppy look.

Lucifer burst into tears. “Why aren’t you guys hurting me? Why are you taking care of me? What did I do to deserve this?? I don’t deserve this!”

Sam came over and wrapped his arms around Lucifer. The archangel struggled slightly, not sure what he did to warrant hugging and essentially snuggling, but he went with it, and he sobbed into Sam’s shirt.

“You deserve it because you don’t believe that we do care for you,” Sam said after a while, once Lucifer’s sobs died into sniffles and chokes of air. “You deserve it because you have thought, all this time, that the world was against you, that your family was against you. Because you went through eons of torture. Because, Lucifer, your family loves you.”

“Then. . . then why? Why did they cast me out? Why did they betray me?”

“Do you think they wanted to?” Sam asked gently.

Lucifer thought about it and shrugged. “I dunno.”

“I bet,” Sam hummed, shifting so Lucifer was situated on his lap more, “that when God made you Fall, He cried. That when Michael threw you into the Cage, he wanted to kill himself. That when Gabriel ran, it was because he couldn’t stand to see the two people he looked up to try to tear each other to shreds.” He held Lucifer close. “They felt like they had no choice, just like you felt like you had no choice.”

Lucifer sniffled and nodded. “Gabs,” he murmured, using the nickname he used for his brother when he was a fledgling.

“You want Gabriel?” Sam clarified.

“Gabs,” he nodded.

Gabriel appeared and he made grabby hands for his brother. Sam and Gabriel shared indulgent, understanding smiles as Sam transferred the needy angel to the not so needy (at this moment) angel.

“Hey there, Luci,” Gabriel said, chuckling as Lucifer buried his nose into his neck. “You doing okay?”

Lucifer shrugged and held onto his brother. Gabriel chuckled and kissed his temple. “You do you, okay?”

Lucifer nodded and relaxed for the first time in his brother’s arms. Gabriel won’t hurt me. Gabriel cares about me. He didn’t dare to use the word “love” because he was pretty sure that the archangel holding him did not love him. He stabbed him and tried to kill him, for Father’s sake. No one would love him after that.

Gabriel heard his brother’s thoughts and sighed quietly, giving a small shrug to Sam. He didn’t know how to tell or show his older brother that despite the attempted murder, he did love his brother. He really didn’t.

Sam had no clue either, but he deemed that Gabriel had the situation under control and left.

[themanicgalaxy]

SPN 5X4 The End

ehehehe

ohohoho

hehehe

oh this is gonna be FUN!

oo nice fade in

"god's plan for you" oh heh

he was confused

Cas on the phone is so funny to me

thIS IS THE "voice says I'm almost out of minutes"

HE'S SO DISGRUNTLED IT'S SO FUNNY

"i'll just-" *awkwardly looks at hung up phone* "wait here then"

HE LOOKS SO DISGRUNTLED AND ANNOYED AHAHAHA

hello mr messenger of god

oh huh it IS actually Sam

ope Dean's just Numb

Dean calling out the revenge is a nice touch tbh

"I think the way we(I) was raised made us weaker" IS SO MUCH! it'S! SO MUCH

"always used against us" aaosfhdsf'

I wish someone could analyze this without the...thing happening

BOY he's numb and tired

oho and he wakes up in a decrepit bed

It'S VISION TIME F U C K E R S

o huh Chuck's in this one

good horror imagery with the lil girl

ah you can notice the legs

CROATOAN! OH B OY

shit they REALLY set it up

R U N

god I love this needle drop

2014..

ah the radio! interesting

ah Zachariah!

"no more sports"

hits different now

oh THAT's why the kid looked so disoriented

Dean getting pissed at the Angel Powers is so fun

ah GOD not bobby

hunter journal!! hunter! journal!

C H I T A Q U A

ooo he found the car and it's totaled

that's how you know shit went down

DEAN VS DEAN

G A N K

you can Kinda tell there are effects

he looks SO DONE

green vs blue feels important idk

THE PANTIES THING

what does the target demo think of this, what do they

"Sam didn't make it" LIE

ope they got Super Separated

Trauma huh I never thought he'd say it

"you don't trust yourself" "no" heh

he's the leader, he's not used to it oop

D E A N OH MY GOD

cas..!

HIPPIE ORGIE CAS!

THE WINK?

boy you can tell the Drugs

WHY IS HE LOOKINGDOWN?

the one finger thingggg

he'S SO LooSe AHH

THE ONE HAND BEER THING IS FROM HERE?

"It's a pretty messed up situation" THAT DELIVERY KILLED ME

...is..he pitching his voice dOWN?

boy hE IS C O LD

is there something in..the whiskey

THE OCLT?

"I'm gonna kill the devil" ok cool?

AHAHA HE FUCKED UP HIS LOVE LIFE OH THAT'S FUNNY

Cas is enjoying this AHAH

fEarLeSs lEadEr

god I LOVE THIS WAIT HE'S ACTIVELY TEASING HIM?

"oh so we're torturing again" is a nice line

...I...Wait

Was...other Dean jealous of past Dean or betrayed or

wAHT

it...second in command

they just..banter?

"I want you to see something" is a lot like what Zach said

"say yes" ope

the angels aren't listening

ow

"never actually thought I'd lose" o w

the like..deep meaningful looks at each other are SO IMPORTANT

"hoard toilet paper like gold" AHHHHH

you want some? pfft

oh THAT'S HARDCORE DRUGS

aw Dean..tries

so..so..how did cas..how..did he know if not looking at the soul

human

uSELESS IMPORTANT THERE

ah so he's just...given up entirely

he's so clearly not happy about it either

he sacrifices people, right?

Ah he knows when he lies

he's more self aware than he thinks

"i've seen them in the mirror" O P E

W HY THE FOCUS ON CAS WH Y

lights out Dean

SAM IN LUCIFER SUIT KILLS DEAN HOLY FUCK

THE EYE CONTACT

HELLO DEAN!

I DO like the white suit tho

what is lucifer's angle here?

of course he has daddy issues OF COURSE

cast me out despite my care...feels important

the "why blame me" is like..present in both lucifer and this but WILDLY different damn

"i get what the other angels see in you" ?

it's also GREAT to see Dean not like...shuttering when there's emotion

like he's crying and scowling! good!

"always end up here" "you're wrong" "see you in five years" OW

HOLY FUCK AM I CRYING

Look Dean's A low trust person, I know it's the framing, but I see it, yk?

HIS FACE WHEN DEAN BLIPS OUT

THE LIL SMILES

NEVER CHANGE

ah the reunion

how ... much time has passed

"i'm whatever I need to be" bro

and then Dean never told Anyone

his lesson learned is stay with his brother and forgive

"we keep each other human"

"thank you" Dean's the father/authority/mother figure

"we make our own future"

1. needledrop. I'm just cataloguing all of these. This wasn't a particularly poignant or Sticking one, but I rly did like the "Vibe" it got. Like doesn't stick with you, but jettisons you into the story, good, we like that.

I do think a good needle drop should be more invisible unless it explicitly needs to be visible, and Renegade was SUPER jarring, while all of these work even if you don't know the context of the song.

2. disaster. Listen. Watching this and also the other deserted town plot line after the panorama's been hitting is like. It feels more correct? It feels super close to home and plausible. Like the toilet paper thing? I know that was memed, but I also think actual thought was put into the world building of the disaster.

hell maybe that's why I cried

3. Cas... he is human, right? how did..he tell it was Dean? He WAS LOOKING DOWN

I swear everytime I go "nah it can't be That blatant" it just pulls out all the stops

other than that, the "I'm fine but clearly not" thing he had going on...he picked that up from Dean, right? Also the juxtaposition of this vs the previous episode is so important I feel? like it's not actually him, it's as far from him as you can get

also he was Dean's second in command? like Very Clearly his second in command, clearly liked making fun of him? what the FUCK were we supposed to read into that? gotta go read all of DTA now jESUS

also Disgruntled Castiel and "We had an Appointment" Castiel? top tier, I LOVE THIS FUNKY LIL ANGEL! AND I LOVE THEIR DYNAMIC! IT'S SO GOOD!

4. Dean. ok I'm in no way qualified to talk of all of these or be coherent but I've got

When confronted with someone who knows him, Dean tends to put on FAR less of a mask, and he knows his own tells better than the person he projects should(this was a common trend, he knows what he projects and knows himself in order to unknow himself)

he lies to himself in the mirror(as in, implied he practices his lies in a mirror) but his Lies SUCK, as I've said before, so what's the lie(it's gotta be his persona, it has to be, his entire persona is a performance, that's why he keeps getting caught, rig-)

(also cuz he hasn't been socialized like...at all, but that's something else)

I don't know if it's he prides himself on it, but compassion and helping people is clearly his Top Priority(After Sam cuz of the trauma ofc). Past Dean is genuine, caring, even if he tries not to be, and the fact that Future Dean ended up so cold is probably the most jarring part out of all of it(Dean put Cas above the other girl he slept with..on purpose, right? did he figure out that him and Dean of the future are [redacted]? like WHAT WAS THA-)

The angels liking him..I think again, it's because of the sincerity he tries to pretend he doesn't have? The righteousness that Isn't Cool? that's my theory. Like he Is what he's said to be, but he tries to hide it so ends up not doing it(why Cas gets pissed)

Dean has Deep Seated Trust Issues, because as someone with those, it's very clear, I don't make the rules. he basically doesn't trust the angels on Principle and Vibe alone I think (as he should they're shady as FUCK)

5. Sam+Dean. ok one, that thing about the beginning where "I think the way we were raised made us weaker." BOY that one hit. like It's something both of them have to grapple with and I'm SO pissed we didn't get there

Dean confronted by Sam possessed by Lucifer, saying there has to be another way where Sam ends up dead is also important. Like I think letting Sam go probably would be something he needs to do, but being forced into it, he Repels it, yk?

tbh that entire "see you in five years" scene broke me, I have to go lie in a corner

5. something about belief? ok so Chuck is not to be read as God yet, I don't think(It was cas but Sexual Tension so) but the only angels left that didn't Peace Out are Cas(who fell for Dean "humanity" ) and Lucifer, who according to this lore, fell because he opposed it. The fallen, "bad" angels. I wonder where Anna would be in this scale actually. God is still not present, the angels...forsook this world? but why would they care? I don't know man. That sense of abandonment, dread, and "there's nothing left" (cas in particular) felt important and indicative of Trauma, but I can't pinpoint which one

oh boy

[fanfic-from-a-67-impala]

A Supernatural x Reader Story Chapter Twenty-Three: Citizen Fang

Word count: 4231

(You can also read it on Wattpad here)

Master Post

"You called (Y/N), too?" Dean demands. "Gee, Sam, there anyone else I should know about?"

You have parked your car behind the Impala and walk over to where they stand on the side of the road.

"She was in the area," Sam defends. "And you can never have too much back up."

Something more is implied at the end of his sentence, in the hostile look that they share, but he keeps it between the two of them.

"I'd offer to leave this one to you two," you say once you reach them, "but if you're going to drag me down into the bayou, you're stuck with me."

Since the Mayan god case, you went off on your own, keeping in touch with the boys and meeting up with them for hunts if you happened to be in the same area.

Things had been tense between you and Sam since a werewolf case in Michigan, where you voted not to go after Kate, a wolf who had just turned. After all, she hadn't hurt anyone human, and she didn't choose the life she was handed. You all decided to let her go, but to take care of it if it turned out she couldn't stay clean.

You almost told him no when he called, not wanting to deal with the criticism, but there was a note of desperation in his voice that softened your resolve. Besides, you missed your boys. He smiles at you now, and you return it, letting each other know that whatever tension there was is in the past for now.

You were on a case in Missouri when Sam called. Not quite as "in the area" as he would have Dean believe, but you think it best not to complain too much.

"So, what do we got?" you ask.

"Guy got his neck ripped out," Sam informs you.

"A vamp?"

"Yeah," he says, "we've had a hunter friend tracking him for a while."

"Per Sam's request," Dean spits, glaring at his brother.

Sam scoffs. "And it looks like I was right."

"We don't know that it's Benny," Dean argues.

"Come on, Dean –"

"Whoa," you interrupt, turning to Dean. "Benny? Your friend who got you out of Purgatory, Benny? He's a vampire?"

"Yes, okay?" Dean concedes. "But he promised me he was going to keep his nose clean."

He says it with such conviction that you lean toward giving him the benefit of the doubt. Dean Winchester is a lot of things, but not a lousy judge of character, and anything but over-trusting.

You follow the boys through the door of a red-brick building, which you would have thought was the back of a restaurant kitchen had it not been for the Rooms for Rent sign. Up some stairs and a short way down the hallway, Sam is about to knock on a door labelled with the number 2.

Before his knuckles touch the black-painted wood, however, it opens, revealing an older man.

Crap, you think, recognizing the hunter.

"You said 'look for an eruption,'" he tells Sam. "How's Mount Vesuvius?"

He ushers the boys in but stops when you come into view, staring at you and crossing his arms, blocking the entryway. He looks to the boys again, then back to you.

"This one's going to have to wait outside," he announces, looking you in the eye. "I don't work with your kind... queers."

"Well, I don't work with nutjobs," you mimic his bitter tone, pushing past him, "so I guess we're both going to have to make an exception."

You feel Martin's eyes following you, burning holes into the back of your head as he closes the door. Sam and Dean look shocked and concerned, but you give them a quick nod.

"God," Martin starts again, "if John saw you hanging around his boys –"

"John's not here," you snap. "You going to start talking about the case?"

He glares at you for another moment, then turns to the boys. "I got into town about a week ago," he explains. "Up until last night, nothing. He's been clean."

"Doing what?" Dean asks.

"Just minding his own business," Martin replies, "working at the gumbo shack. Slinging hash, pouring coffee – the whole bit. And he may be Benny to you, but folks around here call him Roy."

Dean narrows his eyes at him. "Martin, you sure you're running on a full charge?"

You heard that Martin spent some time in psych hospital, and now, him standing in front of you, a paranoid mess, you don't doubt it.

"Y-yeah," he stutters, an insane smile on his face, "little sh-shock therapy in the morning and I-I'm good to go."

Dean flicks his eyebrows up at Sam in a "told you so" fashion.

"Tell us what happened last night," Sam prompts.

"I followed him home, just like every night," Martin continues, his voice shaky from paranoia and paired with elaborate gestures . "He turned up a path. I hear a scream. Boom – there he is. The old coot that Roy was eyeballing at the joint – vamped."

"Did you actually see Benny kill the guy or not?" Dean challenges.

"I saw enough," Martin insists. "I saw Benny turn up the path, and then two seconds later, I trip over a body with its throat ripped. You ever hear of Occam's razor? 'Keep it simple, stupid'? It's not that complicated."

"There's a lot of holes, Martin," Dean retorts.

"Holes?! The only holes we should be looking at are in the vic's neck," Martin exclaims, then turns to Sam. "Why am I getting the distinct impression that your brother is vouching for a vampire?"

"I got history with the guy," Dean remarks. "I'm not signing up for a witch hunt, okay? I owe him more than that. Until we get the facts, we stow the bloodlust and we work this case right, or we work it separately."

"Doing it right would be separating his head from his shoulders," Martin mutters.

"I just need a couple hours, Sammy," Dean turns to both of you, "(Y/N)?"

Martin turns to Sam again, who has been leaning against the wall, watching Dean. "You're not actually considering this?" Martin says, hate and disbelief in his voice.

"Hey," you shout over him with conviction. "Someone was killed out here, and we can't afford to miss anything. He needs a minute, we're giving him a damn minute."

Sam's eyes meet yours, and you think you can see a hint of disappointment in them. Martin scoffs at you and shakes his head. "Of course you –"

"Couple hours, Dean," Sam interrupts. "No more."

• • • • • • • • • • • •

First Kate, and now Benny.

You know that there is everything wrong with this picture, and you don't even understand why you put so much trust in them. Where are you supposed to draw the line between intuition and naïvety?

Sam walks over to where you sit on the floor, leaning against a wall, on the opposite side of the room from where Martin paces, mumbling something incoherent to himself every so often.

You prepare for a lecture, for Sam to repeat everything you have been telling yourself since Dean walked out the door. You're ready to tell him he's right, that you don't know why you've been sticking up for monsters aside from the feeling in your gut.

"So, I guess you're not as well-liked by other hunters," he says.

This renders you silent for a moment, shocked at the abrupt subject change from how the conversation had gone in your mind to what he says to you now.

It was true that quite a few of the hunters you have met while working with Bobby hadn't taken kindly to you. It's difficult enough being a woman in the business, even a business as lacking as hunting. Add being gay on top of that, and you grow accustomed to the name-calling and bigotry.

"Apparently not," you remark.

"He mentioned Dad?" His brows furrow in question, but the way he says the word, with love, endearment at the very least – not "our dad", or "my father" – Dad.

You can't tell him that his father and you had always felt a loathing each other. That you and he simply had different beliefs. And how he threatened that you wouldn't like what would happen if he caught you near his boys again, hence why you went years without seeing them around the time Sam left for college.

"We just..." you start, "didn't get along, I guess, that's all."

He looks at you as if he knows there was something more, but he only says, "I guess he was pretty old school," with a note of finality.

"How have you two been doing?" you ask with a lighter tone. "I heard you found Kevin."

"We did," he agrees. "He's staying on Garth's houseboat in Missouri, translating the demon tablet as we speak."

"Must have been tough," you comment. "Crowley being who he is and all."

"Well, Cas helped a lot."

You raise your head to him now, surprised. "Cas is alive?"

"He got out of Purgatory," he explains, "and he has no idea how."

"Really?" you exclaim. "Well, that'll come back to bite us in the ass later."

"Probably," he admits. "But, you know – bigger fish."

For a while, you sit there together, talking about recent hunts. Neither of you mention your demon thing, or how it might be clouding your judgement, though it's at the forefront of your mind.

When Dean finally gets back to the room, he explains that it wasn't Benny. Another vamp is in town, and he's taken another life.

"All I'm saying is that Benny is innocent," Dean insists, once the cries of opposition have died down.

"Did he say where this other vamp is?" you ask.

"Get it through your head, girl," Martin sneers. "There's one vamp in this town, and two people dead already."

"He didn't say where he was," Dean answers, ignoring him, "just that he'd lead us there."

Sam seems to consider this, looking from Dean, to you, to Martin. You were never one to do anything by blind faith. That's a good way to end up dead in this business. But trusting in Benny, someone you have never even met before, doesn't feel like faith. It feels like a hunch, a strong one, a feeling you couldn't describe if you tried.

"No," Sam tells him, rising from his seat to walk toward the door. "You're too close to this."

"You're not gonna find him," Dean says, holding a hand out to stop his brother from walking further. "And if you do, you'll be lucky to get out alive."

Martin down his glass of what smells like whiskey and sets it on an already cluttered end table, ignoring Dean's warning, and shuffles to the kitchen behind you and Dean.

"These are innocent lives we're talking about here, Dean," Sam pleads. "And you're willing to risk that on Benny's word alone?"

"Damn right I am."

You feel it before you hear it – something telling you to keep alert. Then Dean turns to you and the hilt of a knife flies out to meet his head, knocking him to the ground. It comes for you next, but you are already on your guard. With one hand, you grasp his wrist that holds the knife and bend it. With your opposite elbow, you pin him against the refrigerator, holding the knife to his throat.

His eyes are wide, and he seems surprised, either that you were so quick to react, or that you were able to overpower him.

The last time he saw you was ages before you started hunting with the boys, but what pokes at the back of your mind is how you knew what was happening before it happened. You could chalk it up to experience, but you know that whatever it is has something to do with Hell, with whatever you are becoming.

Sam gives your shoulder a light tug, but you are already pulling away, making sure to look Martin dead in the eye when you say to him, "Try it again, and I'll slit your throat."

Dean's body lays on the side, and you stare at him for a while, almost afraid to go near him.

"He made his choice," Martin says, then turns to Sam. "Let's go do our jobs."

Sam looks to you now, a question – a plea, maybe – in his eyes. But you have made your opinion clear.

"I can't stop you," you say. "Do what you have to do."

And he does. He and Martin walk out the door, and you watch them drive all the way down the road from between the blinds.

• • • • • • • • • • • •

You checked – Dean is out cold. Nothing but time can bring him back now.

His phone, however, was much more helpful. From the recent call logs, you find Benny's name, with a number listed below, which you track. It takes longer than usual, but you narrow it down to a workable area and drive until you reach a rusty grey camper blocking the road next to an old, neglected boathouse.

There is no movement in the area, but you assume the sounds of your car's engine would be enough to keep any vamp hidden.

Machete in hand, you climb out of the driver's seat and close the door.

"Benny?" you call out into the humid nighttime air, as loud as you think is safe with another, less friendly vampire on the loose. You are aware of every sound, every slight breeze, the movement of your clothes on your skin.

"What's it to you?" a rough voice with a heavy Cajun accent sounds from behind you, sending a chill up your spine.

Slowly, careful to avoid sudden movements, you turn around, swallowing back your fear.

Before you stands a man in a black coat, no taller than Dean, with sad eyes that you suspect are the result of years of loss and bloodshed and Purgatory.

"My name is (Y/N)," you explain, hearing the shakiness in your own voice. "I'm a friend of Dean's. I'm here to help."

He narrows his eyes at you, though you saw them flicker with recognition when you told him your name. Maybe Dean mentioned you. "You expect me to believe Dean sent some other hunter to help out his bloodsucker friend?"

It occurs to you now that you haven't thought this through. Why would he believe you? For all he knows, you're just another hunter, and he's just another vamp. Another kill.

"I guess we're going to have to trust each other," you say finally, turning the machete upside down so the side of the blade rests against your arm.

"Why would you trust me?" he retorts. "You don't know me."

"I know enough," you say. "Dean is like a brother to me, and you got him out of Purgatory. I owe you one."

He considers this, raising his chin toward you. You know that there's a possibility that he could be lying, that he's not Benny. But he looks familiar in a way that makes you believe it is him. And if it stops the actual killer, then you would have no choice but to believe him.

"Okay," he agrees. "(Y/N)."

With the blade and a flashlight, you follow him to the boathouse, taking the back door while he takes the front.

You cast a dim beam of light on the fishing equipment and scrap pieces of wood that line the shelves and tables, eyes and ears intent on sensing any kind of movement while trying not to make a sound as you step further into the room.

Minutes tick by without so much as a passing breeze, and you start to think that maybe Benny was wrong and there's no one else here. That is, until you feel movement behind you, following you as you advance through the room, the change in the air making the hairs on the back of your neck rise.

In one swift motion, you swing your machete all the way around you, but a head of blonde hair ducks low enough to avoid it before you feel his hands in a strong grip around your waist and you are off your feet, flying across the workbench.

Your shoulder aches where you landed on it, but you already see the vamp on top of you. With all of the power you can muster, you kick him across the shins, knocking him to the ground, giving you a chance to crawl in the opposite direction and reach for the blade you dropped when he threw you.

Your fingertips brush the hilt, but a hand is pulling your shoulder – the bruised one – down before you can get a grip on it. His teeth are bared now, the weight of his body holding you to the ground. You hold a forearm out across his chest, but you know it won't keep his teeth away from your neck for long. Desperate, you search for your blade to see if you can grab it in time, but something catches your eye behind him instead.

He pins your wrists to the ground above your head. Teeth still bared, he leans in toward your neck, and you headbutt him. It hurts more than you think it would have, and the shock makes it difficult to move. He leans back from the impact, barely phased, until a thin line of blood runs across his neck, and his head, now separated from his body, falls to the side.

Blood drips off of Dean's machete as he kicks the body away and reaches out his other hand to help you up, which you take, grateful.

"You good?" he asks, eyeing your forehead.

It aches, and the room spins when you first stand up, but you nod.

"Where's Benny?" you ask, holding a hand to your head. "He should get out of here. Sam and Martin could –"

"I, uh," he starts, avoiding your eyes. "took care of it."

You sigh, afraid to ask. "What did you do?"

"Let's just say Sammy's on his way to Texas," he says, "probably in Martin's car, so that ought to slow him down."

"Texas..." you muse. "Amelia?"

"I did what I had to, okay?" he says. "Question is, why didn't you go with them? Don't get me wrong – I'm glad you didn't. But that's a little out of character for you, isn't it?"

You take a few paces to pick up the machete and flashlight where you dropped them. Dean is right. This indescribable trust you put in Benny not being a killer – you can't place it, and it frustrates you to think that Hell was the reason you might not be cut out for this life, that you might be putting the people you work with in danger.

"Hey," he takes on a more serious tone now, eyes focused on yours, concerned. "What's going on with you?"

You shake your head. "I don't know, Dean," you admit. "Maybe I shouldn't be hunting. Whatever's been happening to me... I mean, I vouched for a vampire today."

"You vouched for me," he says. "You don't get to check out, not now. I don't know what's going on here, but we'll figure it out."

"Yeah," you mutter, not bothering trying to hide your disbelief, "we've been saying that for a while now."

"Listen to me," he says. "We will figure it out. Like it or not –" he raises his arms in a matter-of-fact motion "– you're family."

You can tell he truly believes what he's saying, but you also know that there's only so much any of you can do. You concede anyway.

"Look, you go and tell Benny he needs to get underground. Once word gets out, who knows how many hunters are going to be all over this? I'll take care of the body –" you gesture to the beheaded figure at your feet "– and you, my friend, are going to drive your ass down to Texas and make things right with your brother. You got that?"

He looks like he wants to argue, but he only nods, and you watch him walk out the door.

• • • • • • • • • • • •

A sheen of sweat has made your forehead and neck slick to the touch by the time you have covered the hole in the ground. You want nothing more than to stand outside and wait for the slightest breeze to cool the humid air, but decide against it, figuring it best not to linger where you just buried a corpse.

Instead, you climb into your car and make it a few blocks from the edge of town before you see a familiar grey camper speeding in the opposite direction.

You are so exhausted that you almost ignore it, but it pokes at the back of your mind until, almost with a mind of its own, the steering wheel is turning your car into the other lane, heading in Benny's direction.

At the end of the road, the car is parked outside a weathered-looking shack. You pull up next to it and grab the gun you keep underneath your seat before climbing the porch steps.

"Please," Benny's voice comes from inside the dark room, "I'm asking you – do not do this. The bad guy is gone, okay?"

"She doesn't know... Benny," Martin's voice says now.

"Roy?" An unfamiliar woman's voice sounds, trembling in fear. "Who's Benny?"

You swing the screen door open with your foot, your gun raised to Martin, who is holding a young woman with tears in her eyes in a chair with a knife to her throat.

"Take it easy, Martin," you warn, advancing further into the diner.

Panic flashes in his eyes for a moment before he kneels down behind her, blocking your shot. A line of blood forms on her neck, and she exclaims in pain.

"Stay back!" Martin yells, and you can't tell if he is talking to you or Benny. "You... you call yourself a hunter, but you're no better than any of these monsters."

You don't point out that you're not the one drawing civilian blood, and you don't move any further, afraid what a mad man would do to an innocent woman if he felt any more threatened.

"See that?" Martin looks at Benny now. "Dilated pupils, hair standing – signs of hunger!"

Glancing over at Benny, you see that he is right. His fangs are already becoming visible, and he turns to face the other direction. Away from the woman, you think.

"Benny." You want to offer some support, something for him to hold onto, but you can't think of anything to say that wouldn't make it worse.

"Don't worry," Martin tells the woman. "He won't feed off his own flesh and blood."

"'Flesh and blood'?" she voices what you are thinking as well.

"Tell her, Benny," he spits, rising as he shakes the knife at him. "Tell her how you're her long-lost grandpappy. Tell her about all the dead you left behind."

You follow him with your gun, but Benny, whose fangs have retracted, motions for you to stand down and turns back to Martin.

"What do you want?" he asks, sad eyes avoiding the woman.

"Isn't it obvious?" Martin snaps, unsheathing a machete with his other hand. "I want your head on a stake."

Benny says nothing. Only gives a small nod and walks over to the counter, where he lays his head down.

The woman lets out a soft gasp. "Roy, no," she pleads, voice breaking.

You consider killing Roy, while you have a clear shot. It would be so easy, to justify it with him threatening her life. But Benny is a vampire, and Martin is a human, a hunter. And though you know it wasn't Benny who killed the people here this week, you are a hunter, too.

For a moment, you hope, pray, with all you have that maybe Martin will see sense, that he will change his mind. You imagine him dropping his machete, conceding, and walking away from it all. You have never felt more helpless, unable to move as he raises the blade over his head.

Then, as if by some invisible force, it flies backward out of his hands, hitting the wall and clattering to the ground.

The panic returns to his eyes, but only for a moment, only for the time it takes Benny to leap across the counter and take him down.

• • • • • • • • • • • •

You are still in shock as you wash the blood off of your hands, having buried your second body of the night. Benny fed and left without a word, long gone by now. You checked all over the restaurant, finding no sign of anyone who could have moved that machete.

A thought you have been avoiding thinking, one that makes your skin crawl, crosses your mind: What if it was you? What if this linked to the part of your soul that's in Hell?

What if you killed Martin?

You offered to drive the woman – Elizabeth, she told you – to her folks' place, where at least she wouldn't be alone.

Now, you find the closest on-ramp, not caring which direction. And you drive.

[shirtlesssammy]

Simon Said: 2x05 Recap

Welcome to Hellatus 2017, guys! We’re recapping all of Ben Edlund’s awesome episodes this summer. Hopefully reminiscing about his fabulous episodes will distract us from the pain of losing Cas, Crowley, Rowena, and Eileen (who are we kidding. blerg.)

Then:

Baby Sam is a psychic.

Now:

On a quaint city street, an elderly man gets a phone call and see visions of himself unloading a shotgun. The man looks temporarily concerned, but soon has a relaxed face and walks into his local gun shop. The shop owner greets him as an old friend, but is surprised when “Doc” wants to look at a gun. He’s even more surprised when the doc loads the shotgun, shoots him, and then himself. Our poor Sammy had a psychic vision of this whole event.

On the road, Sam insists they head to the Roadhouse (awww) for Ash’s help, but Dean is reluctant. Dean calls Sam a freak (awwww). They eventually make it to the Roadhouse, Dean greets Jo, but Sam is on a mission to find Ash. Dr. Badass is chillin’ naked in his room. 

With the help of Ash, and Sam’s stellar artistic skills, they’re able to pinpoint the town to Guthrie, Oklahoma. No demon activity, so Sam has Ash research house fires in 1983.

Later that evening, Jo queues up REO Speedwagon on the jukebox. Dean takes notice. They briefly exchange pleasantries of hair vs. heart rock, before Jo asks about their mom’s death. Dean shuts her down. And admits to being afraid of Ellen (lolz).

Sam gets a match so the brothers head out. Not without Dean getting a serious REO Speedwagon earworm though. As Dean’s singing in the car, Sam questions Dean’s musical choices, and performing!Dean shuts it all down, asking Sam about what new information he has. Andrew Gallagher: Born in 1983, mom died in a house fire 6 months later.

The boys, dressed in their finest early years cheap suits, start to question a local waitress who worked with Andy. It seems that no matter how hard debt collectors tried, they didn’t get very far with information on Andy. Dean changes their story--they’re lawyers and Andy’s aunt left him a sizeable estate. Another friend of Andy’s sits down to fill the boys in on Andy’s amazing ability of persuasion. He once got them into an Aerosmith concert! The waitress lets them know if they need to find Andy, all they have to do is look for the van with the barbarian queen riding a polar bear. She’s kinda hard to miss.

(FUCKING STONEHENGE FROM SPINAL TAP? REALLY? YASSS.)

And no surprise to us season 12 folks, but Dean’s kinda into Andy’s whole aesthetic. Sam isn’t quite ready for real!Dean. He’s also concerned that they’ve found another weirdo like himself. What does it mean? Dean wonders, “So the demon wants you out there killing with your minds, is that it?” Sam doesn’t disagree. Not really convincing himself, Dean calls bullshit. “You’re not a murderer, Sam. You don’t have it in your bones.” (Guh, what a parallel to Dean and Mary “you’re a killer” --Sam is a Men of Letters, he doesn’t have it in his bones, but he’s badass enough to bring it when it’s needed.)

For Science (but, like, serious science, because I’m pretty sure Jensen Ackles hasn’t aged a day in 10 years):

Just then Andy emerges, complete with scruff, silk kimono, and complete lack of any social grace, and somehow walks away with some dude’s coffee in hand. We soon see him interact with the doc from the cold open! Sam recognizes him right away. The brothers separate-- Sam with the older man and Dean with Andy.

With Dean in not so subtle pursuit, Andy pulls his van to the side of the road and classic dialog commences:

Andy: Hey

Dean: Hey

Andy: That’s a cherry ride

Dean: Yeah, thanks

Andy: Man, the '67? Impala's best year if you ask me. This is a serious classic.

Dean: Yeah. You know, I just rebuilt her, too.

Andy: Yeah?

Dean: Yeah, can't let a car like this one go.

Andy: Damn straight. Hey. Can I have it?

Dean: Sure, man.

Andy: Sweet.

Dean: Hop right in there. There ya go.

Andy: Take it easy.

Dean: All right.

Like, WTF, Dean?

At the same time Dean is losing his most prized possession, Sam is trying to stop the gun store shooting by getting to the gun shop before the doc, and pulling the fire alarm. Afterwards he happens to see Andy casually driving down the road in a ‘67 Chevy Impala. *Does not compute*

Just as Sam calls Dean about the stolen Impala, the doctor gets another call himself. This time he just walks right in front of A VERY FAST BUS.

Later, as the brothers watch the clean-up, Sam admits he thought he had stopped it. And Andy shows up at the restaurant, letting the waitress know that Doctor Jennings is dead. She tells him that some guys were around looking for him earlier that day.

Meanwhile, Sam and Dean locate Baby, much to Dean’s relief. The brothers surmise that Andy is verbally controlling people --Dean, and the doctor. Dean doesn’t think that Andy is guilty (OJ though? Guilty.)

The boys break into Andy’s van. And holy shit, “this is magnificent, that’s what this is.” Couldn’t say it better myself, Dean.

Later, during their stake-out Dean admits, “Ugh. You know, one day I'd love to just sit down and eat something I didn't have to microwave at a minimart.” Oh, Dean, you’ll have to wait 6 more years (and 40 years in Hell) before that dream happens. You’ll nest, I promise. Sam’s still wondering about Andy’s motive. Dean (WHO’S NEVER WRONG) still isn’t convinced. Just then Andy appears, wondering why they’re following him.  Sam starts with their lawyer cover when Andy demands they tell the truth. Sam sticks with their story but Dean is quick to admit that they hunt demons. Lolz. Dean just can’t shut up. Dean Bean. He spills EVERYTHING.

Andy demands that they leave him alone. Sam is immune to his persuasions though. Sam makes it clear that they have similar pasts --they’re connected. And just as Sam demands more information about the doctor, he gets another vision about a woman and a gas station. Andy denies knowing anything about the doctor’s death.

Sam collapses under the weight of the vision and when he comes out of it, he’s able to tell Dean about the cell phone call that triggers the victims to kill themselves or others. Dean leaves Sam watching Andy while he heads to the gas station. Not too long afterwards, Dean calls Sam from the station. The woman from Sam’s vision is already extra crispy and, as Dean notes, “the smell hasn’t even cleared.” (Shudder) Sam’s visions not only have zero chill, but they’re not giving them enough lead time anymore.

While Dean deals with the horrifying lingering smell of fried human Sam chills out with Andy and they exchange stories about their special mind powers. Andy loves his powers and never feels the need to use them to get a whole lot more out of life. He still lives happily in his Polar Queen van, after all. He’s got everything he needs to be happy. Dean pulls up then and lets them know that he had Ash run a background search on the dead woman. It turns out that Miss Extra Crispy gave birth to a kid in 1983. Since Andy was adopted, maybe she was actually his mother? They head to the county records department to learn more.

They review the birth records and discover that the woman was indeed Andy’s birth mother. The shotgun happy doctor delivered the baby. Or, we should say, BABIES. That’s right! On this extra special Doctor Phil, Andy learns that he has a twin brother. Andy sits back, astonished. “I have an evil twin.”

 Meanwhile, in evil twin land, Andy’s friend Ansem chats up Tracy the waitress, asking if she and Andy were ever serious about each other. He compels her to tell the truth. Aaaaand I’m already grossed out.

In the car, Sam suffers another vision. It’s Tracy standing at the edge of a dam and ready to jump. (She’s only wearing a slip so we get the implication of sexual assault preceding this suicidal leap. UGH)

Cut to Creepy McCreeperson, I mean Ansem, who is sitting in his car with Tracy out by the dam. It’s where he takes all the ladies. (Sexual assault no longer just implied.) She cries and begs to leave. He orders her to stop crying. “You can’t have him,” he tells her, referring to Andy. I don’t even know how to begin to rank the levels of creep in this scene.

The boys pull up nearby and prepare to go after Ansem. Sam suggests that Dean stay back and Dean readily agrees. Sam and Andy will take point.

Back at Ansem’s car, Evil Twin orders Tracy to undress - slowly. He tells her that when they’re done she should walk to the edge of the dam. When she gets there she’ll think she can fly and just step right off. Thankfully, Sam interrupts this dark instruction by breaking the driver’s side window and punching Ansem.

Andy helps Tracy out of the car while Sam wrestles Ansem under control and slaps some duct tape over his mouth. Great thinking! Only...Ansem mind controls Tracy anyway - with his mind - and she whacks Sam with a great big chunk of wood. While Andy and his twin scuffle, Tracy walks to the edge of the dam.

“She’s trying to come between us,” Ansem tells Andy by way of explanation. Aghast, Andy tells him that when you learn to have a twin you call them up and chill out. No murder! Bad twin!

Evil twin sheds some light on his evil-ness then, telling Andy that he dreams of a man with yellow eyes who promises him great things. What’s a little killing here or there when destiny calls?

A little ways away, hidden in the underbrush, Dean draws a sniper’s rifle up. (Me, rn → dead on the floor from attraction.) Unfortunately, Ansem hears him and Dean finds himself moving the rifle up to point the barrel at his own chin.

A gun fires.

Don’t worry guys, Andy saved the day! He shot his evil twin dead. Tracy gets off the ledge and Dean pulls away the gun.

The next morning Andy tells the cops investigating the crime scene that Ansem just shot himself and there’s nothing to investigate. He then wanders past a super freaked out Tracy and over to Sam and Dean. “I never used my mind thing on her before last night,” Andy says, “She’s scared of me now.”

Sam apologizes to Andy. The Winchesters have gotta split. But Sam gives Andy his phone number so he can call if he needs anything. Team Psychic Kids for life!

“What am I supposed to do now?” Andy asks.

“You be good, Andy,” Dean tells him. “Or we’ll be back.”

As the Winchesters head back to the car, Sam reflects on the outcome. Andy ended up killing someone; Andy became a killer. But Dean sees it differently. Andy was a hero who saved Dean’s and Tracy’s life. Still, Sam heard Dean’s little spate of honesty before and he’s not buying Dean’s line of total confidence.

The boys head back to The Roadhouse where they’re cornered by Ellen. She confronts them about information she got from Ash and notes the key details of the psychic kid cases: house fires at 6 months of age. All Ellen wants is the truth. “Something big and bad is coming and it’s coming fast.” They’ve got each other but they have to be honest. (I love you, Ellen.)

Sam tells Ellen all about the other psychic kids and how Yellow Eyes has plans for them. There could be tons of demon-blood-infected youth running around but finding them might be difficult. Not all kids suffered house fires at 6 months. For all those other psychic kids, there’s no way to trace them.

Ellen takes this all in and then says, “Jo, honey? You better break out the whiskey instead.”

The show closes with Soundgarden’s Fell on Black Days - which is super relevant to everyone mourning Chris Cornell right now.

We Full on Obi-Quoted This:

You’ve always been a freak.

He sings it from the hair. There’s a difference.

He full on Obi-Wan’ed me. It’s mind control, man.

And Moby Dick’s bong.

You still live in a van.

These aren’t the droids you’re looking for.

What are you, seven?

[jeanjeaniethings]

SPN Finale Thoughts

Please feel free to skip over this! I’m just all emotional and trying to get it out of my head by writing my thoughts out...I watched the finale once 12 hrs ago (and have slept badly after it) so there could be many mistakes here, and I will never pretend to be a meta writer... This is your ‘I am distressed and not in a great head space’ warning :-) 12x22 I thought was fantastic! I mean yeah there’s a couple of things I’d fix if I were being finicky, but it felt really right, was in character...the boys showed us that they have grown and the season’s themes were fulfilled and weren’t for nothing. I was left feeling pleased with it. I love love loved the boy’s convo when they’d given up breaking the wall down. They said what they meant, no lies, no pretending, laying it out. In fact they did that all episode (both, actually)....that’s some good shit! :D Also watching Dean’s expression changes as he thought of the grenade launcher plan was one of my highlights of the episode <3 I really liked Dean’s dialogue with Mary in the ‘dream-scape’...his “I hate you” made me gasp out loud, and yeah, when Dean cries we all cry.

So much brotherly hugging and wet eyes. Oh my boys, how I love you and how you love each other. Sam coming into his own, Dean supporting him 100%, the episode was gold just from those interactions <3 Dean acknowledging all the good they’ve done! Telling Mary he was Sam’s Mum and Dad, and it was too much! The lack of codependency! Jody's alive! Garth is alive! Donna is alive! Claire is alive! I am so pleased that Mary is a real, fleshed out character, and not just a plot device this season. Her survival is proof of that, too. I’ll be honest - when she was announced as being in S12, I thought they were going to mess it up :/ I mean, I don’t actually *like* her as a person, but she *is* a person on the show, thankfully. The shot of them (Sam, Dean, Mary) hugging, with Sam as the focus gave me life...he knows now that he can lead, he can be strong and not just follow anymore, his family has his back and gives strength even when they’re not right by him. OHhhh <3 <3 <3 12x23 I really, really disliked this episode, and not (just) for the last 10min of show. I felt the pacing was off, the camera angles sucked - in particular things like how we almost never saw Cas’ face front on but did Kelly’s, over and over and over. I felt like I was 3/4 of the way through the episode at one point, but when I paused it I was 8min in...it really dragged for me. I felt Cas and Crowley, in particular, were out of character (I’ll elaborate in a moment). I HATED how little a deal was made (music, face shots etc) of Crowley’s sacrifice. How he had Sam unprotected right next to him, Sam who has only just thanked Crowley for a little of what he’s done a few episodes ago, Sam who has tried to kill Crowley over and over again even when the circumstances didn’t call for it (eg after getting the first blade), but he didn’t even seem to think of him as an option for the required life taken - he’s obviously (to me) planned himself before even suggesting the spell; perhaps implied when sitting in the bunker pinned at the table? I hated how brushed over and vulgar Rowena’s death was, and Crowley’s response to it. She’s been in the show for awhile, is a strong female character, I should have guessed that her death would be as sucky as Eileen’s. Even grosser, really. The camera was barely on Crowley’s face when he learned of it, instead on Sam and Dean’s. Shouldn’t the emotional reaction be Crowley’s?? What the hell was the point of the last couple of season’s of them dancing around each other, trying to maybe establish something between them, then to end like that?! I’m hoping that was just that Crowley isn’t convinced of her death, and possibly was already considering his own (maybe not specifically, but him knowing that he’s backing the Winchesters, it’s a real possibility) I wasn’t surprised by but still hurt with what they’ve done with Lucifer’s character. He was AMAZING in season 5 - so fascinating and scary and compelling to watch. I know he’s become steadily a charactcature of himself since then, especially sped up by the writers not seeming to care/remember that Hallicifer isn’t actually Lucifer, and changing his character to be more like that. He’s had moments throughout season 12 where I could see the old Luci traits, but the overblown, over-sexualised (esp with the Demon who was working to free him, and the stupid Virgin line at the house with Kelly) crap they’ve done with him this season bites butt, and was kinda cringe-worthy. Considering how much I adore Luci (especially in fanfiction, rather than canon, where he can really be expanded upon) yet *I* was almost eye rolling at his dialogue, you know it’s bad. ALSO when has he been into disgusting murders??? Yes he likes to be hands on when attacking someone (or um, hand through, in the case of Baldur), that’s accurate to current and S5 Luci, but “stomped on her head until the white showed, then set her on fire to be sure” or whatever the quote is....ugh.no. And cutting some of her hair off, whyyyy? A momento? No.no.no. I haven’t decided if his lack of awareness of walking into a trap (the rip) was him not giving the boys enough credit (he did say about them trying whatever they were going to try but how it wouldn’t work) and him having such a big ego that he will always win (“I win, so, I win”), or actually him not being so bright. I’d normally think the first option, but he was *really* slow in the convo with the demon freeing him from Crowley in understand how the control had reversed, and I’m so offended with how they write him now, I’m unconvinced. I thought Cas’ dialogue was a bit weird and stilted (unintentionally) and his joke/reassurance to Kelly (”I lied, I have no idea how you feel”) and the nappy bit that was supposed to be humorous (haha look at silly Cas who doesn’t get human things and goes overboard, amirite?) wasn’t funny? It felt like a tacked on thing, written like they don’t really get Cas. Also why was he going through the rip, and then again casually with the boys, while Kelly was in labour? He said he’d be there for her and Jack, then wanders off leaving her unprotected, barring Mary, *twice*? Was he vowing to protect and be there then immediately risking his life another Cas/Dean parallel? Throughout both episodes Dean was super chatty (for him)! But it was awesome, because it meant healthy communication, and him reiterating that the family all together is what they’re about, it’s how they can do this. And EVERY TIME he included Cas in that <3 *SOBBING AGAIN* He even included Crowley once, which made me so freakin’ happy (and then scared for him). Sam, Dean, and Mary: walk into the house. Cas: “Dean!” Me: *looks into camera like I’m on The Office* CAS’ DEATH = MUCH CRYING AND HORRIBLE WHINING NOISE :’( Random Questions

I’m guessing this will be talked about in 13x01, but where did Cas go between being thrown to the ground when Luci showed up, and then coming through the rip to hold Luci off? Part of the plan I know, but what was that plan?

Why did he come back through the rip when Luci wasn’t yet contained?

What happened in there that we didn’t see?

WHYYYYY was Cas’ back turned when he did that?!?!!

Why no AU!Bobby in the Luci attack?

What’s his role in S13? Teaming up with Mary?

Is it important that when Cas healed Dean he had a nephilim yellow spark?

When going through the rip only one person needs to touch it to take them all through, yet the camera made a big deal of Luci grabbing Mary’s arm to pull her through with him?

Was it always the plan between Mary and Cas that she fight Luci back into the rip if needed? The boys obviously didn’t know.

Did Mary see/interact with the nephilim between knocked back by its birth and going through the rip?

Did Crowley make any plans/leave anything at the bunker to help with closing the gates of hell?

So..colt? Nah.

When did Luci learn how to dress so nicely? Okay that was just an excuse to talk about Leather!Luci...

Is it cold or hot in the AU? ‘Cause when Luci yells “NOOO” his breath is visible.

Mary and Luci in the AU is a Sam and Luci in the cage parallel, but...where are they going to go with this? AU jumping?

Is Rowena’s arc over? She’s been back from death-by-Lucifer before, so I think so? What a way to go :/

Is Crowley’s death permanent? I really feel it is, and although I'm so glad he went out by his choice and as a kind of hero and because his ‘good’ was winning out, but I’m so, so sad, I love him so much :’’’(

Is Cas’ death permanent? FUCK I hope not. I don’t think so, but I hope they don’t mess up his return. We really don’t need another altered!Cas, and neither does Dean :’‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘(

There had better be the best destiel moment as payment for our pain!!!

Okay I’m going to go and read other’s thoughts on all this now I’ve gotten this down. I’ll probably re-watch 12x23 tonight and follow up here, methinks. Thanks for putting up with my drabble and misery <3

[obsessedwithtoomanythings]

A Recap of Sam Winchester

Characters: Sam Winchester, Sully, Dean Winchester, Brady, Jessica Moore, John Winchester (Mentioned), Metatron, Lucifer, Ruby, Amara (The Darkness), Amelia, Mary Winchester

Pairing: Mentions of Sam x Jessica, Sam x Ruby, and Sam x Amelia

Warnings: Graphic Depictions of Torture, Intense Violence, Swearing, Major Character Deaths, Implied Smut, Spoilers all the way up until Season 12

Rating: R (Violence and Mild Language)

Words: Around 5,000

Author’s Note: Hey everyone, this is my entry for the Sam Winchester Big Bang. I hope you guys like it!! My artist is @owehimeverything and she is going to be drawing this amazing art that I will put up as soon as it’s posted!! Thank you, guys!!! Everything in italics is the scene from 11x08 when Sam is talking to Sully. Thank you @samwinchesterbigbang for hosting this wonderful challenge!!!!!! This entire story is told from Sam’s perspective.

Link To Art Masterpost

Dropping the bloodied rag into an empty toolbox, Sully sat down with ease on the green lawn mower, his rainbow suspenders bringing a smile to my face, despite the guilt. I was a mean kid. Despite our current conversation, Sully still wears a smile, for my benefit, I assume.

“You know, I’m not gonna lie to you. When you went off to hunt, I considered that one of my biggest failures…”

The fact that he thought it was okay to just show up here, inserting himself into my life, pisses me off. There is nothing he can say to defend himself for this.

“Dad’s on a hunting trip, and he hasn’t been home in a few days.”

And just like that, the world I tried so hard to flee from comes crashing, demolishing everything.

My eyes glance down, guilt returning as Sully continues.

“It just seemed so clear to me that you wanted something else…”

‘Come on, Sam… You have one chance at this. You know this.’ I mentally shout at myself. I have been saving up for this test for months, managing to keep it from Dean and Dad. The LSAT cost $140 out of pocket, and when I finally had enough, it took months until I finally found a place that would give it to me last minute. Emery, Utah. This was my chance. Dean and Dad are probably in the process of blowing a werewolf into next century, and here I am, racking my brain for Government Credibility Statements.

‘When pregnant lab rats are given caffeine equivalent to the amount a human would consume by drinking six cups of coffee per day, an increase in the incidence of birth defects results. When asked if the government would require warning labels on products containing caffeine, a spokesperson stated that it would not because the government would lose credibility if the finding of these studies were to be refuted in the future. Which of the following is most strongly suggested by the government's statement above?’

‘Think, Sam. You know this. You have 20 minutes, and this is your last question. You can do this. Just… Think.’

My thought process is jumbled and chaotic, jumping from pregnant rats to werewolves to ‘Why the hell am I doing this?’ before the answer presents itself.

‘If the government acts before the study can be proven conclusively, it will lose credibility… Meaning the answer is C.’

With a smile, I fill in the bubble with a C inside. The papers crinkle as I grab them, dropping them on the supervisor's desk. He looks up at me with a small smile, and I feel the dimples form on my cheeks as I smile back, proud. I can do this. I can get out.

“Sam, this is Jessica Moore.” Brady says, a smile painted on his face. He’s gotten into some nasty stuff lately, and I’ve been trying to knock him back on track, yet it’s not really working. This woman standing in front of me with her hand outstretched though, she’s one of the most beautiful women- no, one of the most beautiful people, that I have ever met. I quickly realize that I'm staring at her, so I reach my arm forward and shake her hand. Jessica’s hands are small and soft, almost like she applies lotion all the time, but they have just enough force that I can tell she knows she doesn’t need a man in her life. The minute our hands part, I miss the feeling of her palm in mine.

This is the girl I’m gonna marry. I know it, and it may seemed rushed or stupid, but I know it.

I’m gonna marry Jessica Moore.

The day we moved into our apartment is one I will never forget.

Jess knows exactly what she's doing to me. Her subtle glances and fleeting grazes have me on edge, and she knows this. I can tell by her proud smirk every time she catches me staring at her, her bottom lip caught between her teeth in a sort of teasing.

We take our time unpacking, playful banter filling up the once dull apartment building.

The heat explodes before my eyes, the love of my life, flames swallowing up her small frame. Every memory, gone in a flash.

“But…” Sully stops for a moment, almost as if to sigh in disbelief, then continues.

“I was wrong. And it all worked out, didn’t it.” The proud smile Sully wears makes me want to cry. He’s so proud when I have done nothing but hurt the people around me.

“I don’t know about that…” I say, trailing off.

The pain is a different kind of pain. One that I’ve never experienced. It starts in my right arm, this blot of agony, twisting and growing every moment. Then it spreads.

It crawls it’s way up my arm, through my shoulder, and once it sweeps across my chest, it’s almost unbearable. It’s as if someone is running a burning cloth not overtop of my skin, but under it, it’s heated tendrils ripping and scorching my internal organs.

And while the burn continues, there is something else there. Something… Pure. It’s as if the torment is wiping away something.

“These trials… They’re purifying me.”

I remember the hellhounds blood as it spilled over me, covering me. The misery and pain didn’t begin until I spoke the latin words, signalling the beginning. The invisible knot in my inner arm grew and grew until it forced a groan of agony out past my lips. Then, as quick as it appeared, it was gone.

But the feeling still lingered. This awareness of what was happening inside me. It started small. I noticed I was sleeping more, and I was more tired when I was awake. Then the coughing started. I ignored it until blood would come with it. That was when I grew concerned. Although I knew I couldn’t tell Dean.

The second trial took more out of me. It wasn’t just the act of dragging Bobby’s bruised and tortured soul out of hell and through purgatory. It was the whole of it.

Compared to the twisting and screaming of that hunk of agony in my arm, carrying Bobby’s soul was a cake-walk. Slicing through monster’s heads was basic knowledge and instinct. This pain in my arm that grew again and again after the learned latin left my throat was not. This was foreign, and I didn’t know how to combat it.

And here I am. The King of Hell chained to a chair, tears spilling from his eyes, pleading for death, savior, something. Anything.

It’s almost over. I can feel my limbs twitching and failing with every movement as I move closer to Crowley, his soul soon to be healed, begging to be free of this torture. The cut on my palm is a dull ache compared to the incinerating heat blazing just under every inch my skin.

The door flies open with a thud, the sound filling my ears as I see my brother cry out for me to stop. But how can I?

“Easy there. Okay? Just take it easy. We have a slight change of plan.” He says, walking towards me as if I’m some rabid animal that will lash out at any moment. Then his words hit me. Change of plan? Why? I am moments away from ridding this world of demons.

“What?”

Closing the gates of hell… It’s all that matters now. I thought Dean knew that.

“What’s going on? Where’s Cas?” The words pour out and I can’t stop them. Cas would never let him do this. Cas wants these gates shut just as much as I do.

“Metatron lied. You finish this trial… You’re dead, Sam.” He says that like it would be a bad thing. Like I haven’t screwed up enough already. I broke this world so many times, I think I should be the one to fix it. I’ve let Dean down so many times, I can’t handle doing it again. If I finish this… I can’t hurt anyone anymore.

“So?”

But Sully isn’t having any of my disbelief in myself.

“Come On. You’re a hero. Sam… You saved the world.”

“Sammy, can you hear me?” Dean pleads, but I can’t save him. I can’t move my own limbs, let alone stop Lucifer from speaking using my voice.

“You know, I tried to be nice… For Sammy’s sake. But you… Are such a pain…” He pauses, gripping the lapels of Dean’s jacket.

“In my ass.” The cry I let out can’t be heard by anyone other than the angel inside me as my arms force Dean onto the hood of the sleek black car. The gunshots cause the monster in me to turn towards the source. Bobby fires off another shot, the sound filling the empty field. The bullet pierces my chest, blasting a hole right through my heart. The moment the shot stops, I know what will happen. I try to take back control, to stop Bobby’s inevitable death, but despite my clawing and screaming, Lucifer raises my arm and with a simple twist of my wrist, Bobby’s gone. And I couldn’t save him.

Dean’s outcry drags Lucifer’s attention back to the horrified hunter.

“Yes.” The devil grabs Dean’s ankle, dragging him down the hood of his beloved Baby, before swinging out my elbow, it colliding with Dean’s cheekbone before I cry out again. I’m fighting him so vigorously, but it’s futile. The Devil holds the floor.

“Sammy? Are you in there?” Dean requests, and I try to tell him that I am. That I’m trying. I’m trying to save him.

That I’m not strong enough.

“Oh, he’s in here, all right.” His fist making contact with Dean again, causes another cry to leave me, but Dean can’t hear it, just like all the other cries.

“And he’s gonna feel the snap of your bones.” Another punch.

“Every single one.” I brace myself for another hit, but Lucifer uses my hands to yank my brother to his feet.

“We’re gonna take our time.” Every blow that my body lands on Dean, I feel my heart falling. Every jab. Every punch. Every hit. I feel Dean’s bones snapping under my fingers, the sensation forcing a million silent whimpers from my lips.

“Sam, it’s okay. It’s okay. I’m here. I’m here. I’m not gonna leave you.” Dean gasps, and I find comfort in this. Although the emotions still swell in my heart, I know Dean won’t leave me. Lucifer doesn’t find comfort in this however, landing two more punches to the hunter’s already broken face before Dean speaks again.

“I’m not gonna leave you.”

The pull and draw of Lucifer’s power that will eventually land on my brother is all I can feel. I know this is how it ends.

My eyes land on the plastic green army man lodged in the ashtray, stuck there since Dean and I wedged it in there. Suddenly, almost as if it’s physically tangible, something shifts. The memories. Everything that happened in this car.

The smiles.

The pranks.

The music that was too loud.

The quick snoozes.

The fighting.

The pain.

The sweat.

The tears.

The blood.

Dean’s blood. I can feel it covering my clenched fist, and all at once, I feel it.

I’m in control.

The shutter rips through me as I release Dean, my body once again my own.

“It’s okay, Dean. It’s gonna be okay. I’ve got him.” Dean needs the reassurance from me now. Although I can feel the fear rising in my chest, I can also feel Lucifer, fighting his way back into control, and I know I won’t last much longer.

The rings feel cold and foul against my fingers as I throw them to the ground, the words to open the cage rising up like a distant memory. The ground rumbles and shakes, dropping off into a hole fit for suicide. I allow myself one last glance at my brother, whose bloodied and broken face will be the last image of him I ever see. A cry of my name forces me to cast my eyes away to Ada- Michael.

“It’s not gonna end this way! Step back!”

“You’re gonna have to make me!”

“I have to fight my brother, Sam! Here and now! It’s my destiny!” But I don’t give a damn about destiny. Personally, I think destiny can kiss my ass. I widen my arms, feeling myself plunge into the worst hell has to offer. A hand twists into my jacket, but my momentum causes me to tug the added weight down with me, dragging not only my own soul and Lucifer’s, but my brother’s as well. I hear his cry as we plummet into darkness, and all at once, there is nothing.

The utter confusion must be showing on my face at his words, because Sully begins to explain how he knew about Lucifer.

“I keep track of my kids. And you did really good, Sam.” Some part of me knows that he doesn’t know everything, or he chooses to ignore it.

“Not all good. There was some bad…”

“She’s in the way.” Dean says, his eye next to the sniper scope, ready to fire the killing shot to end the lead skinwalker.

“Take it anyway!” I respond, knowing the woman will be dead. Not that it makes any difference to me, cause the monster will be dead, and that’s our job.

“And some really bad…”

It started off as means to an end. A way to cope without Dean. He had been there for as long as I can remember, and now he was gone.

Ruby was helping me. I told myself this more often than I should have to, but she was a demon after all. The first time it happened, I couldn’t believe I went through with it. I told myself, just once.

Then it happened again. And again. And again. There was something about her that drew me in, over and over, even after Dean got back. Even when I knew it was wrong. There was no denying that I loved the way she felt wrapped around me, all dark hair and black eyes. Every time it happened, I told myself, never again. Then she would lure me in with the promise of what I craved - no. Needed - most, and I would give in. I would sink into her corruption, allow myself to be covered and overtaken by her malicious intents. When it continued happening, it truly begs the question, when did I become the monster I was trying to destroy?

The high that came with the blood was one I will never be able to replicate. The feeling of finally being strong enough to do something about problems. Finally, I wasn’t the weak little brother anymore. I was stronger than Dean. I was strong enough to kill Lilith.

Although at this moment, I wasn’t. With the intense highs of having the blood, came the intense lows when I needed it.

She was so close. I could practically hear her blood pumping, loud and teasing my ears. When the knife made a small incision on her neck, the blood spreading out over her creamy skin, I gave in. My lips close around the cut, the metallic tang of her blood spilling over my tastebuds, creating a surge of renewal and dominance that I craved since Ruby left me high and dry.

I hear the cry of another demon being destroyed and I swivel around to face Dean. His face is a mixture of shock and horror. I can feel the blood dripping down my chin, knowing Dean and this little girl who Castiel is possessing can see it. The demon beneath me stirs, and I rise the knife above my head before bringing it down, wasting her. I feel the power rip through me as I raise my arm, pulling the small-time demon from Amelia Novak, saving her life. The look Dean is giving me makes me feel dirty, yet, due to the blood pumping through me, I can barely find it within myself to give a shit.

She can’t run from me anymore. This is the place where Lilith dies. The blood is pounding my ears, and I can’t tell if it’s mine, or Lilith’s, but frankly, I don’t care.

“I’ve been waiting for this… For a very long time.” This time, it’s me who has the advantage. She can’t beat me. Not this time.

“Then give me your best shot.” She has no idea what she just said. It’s almost as if I’m not even in control of my own body anymore as my arm raises, the sound of her screams filling my ears alongside the heartbeat as her body glows orange in death. The thrill of her in front of me almost blocks out the sound of a voice crying my name. Almost. But I hear it. It’s Dean.

I turn and wonder ‘When did that door get closed?’ before I hear my name again, coming from the other side. Dean.

Ruby’s screaming form comes into view, her words melding with all the other conflicting sounds filling my clogged brain. However, one sound comes through and steals my attention. Laughter.

“You turned yourself into a freak. A monster. And now you’re not gonna bite?” Lilith’s small chuckle turns my confusion at Dean to rage and anger, like a light switch flipping on. That was the last mistake she was ever going to make.

“I’m sorry, but that is honestly, adorable.”

Every fiber of my being focuses on her form clad in white, her voice like the trigger of a gun, creating a feeling of darkness that starts in my heart and spreads, like full body immersion into a tub of liquid lead. Her body screams as it begins to change to orange once more, death closing in on her due to my hand squeezing, as if I am physically tugging the life out of her. Her cries and howls are music to my ears that no instrument or voice can replicate. The sight of her body crumbling before me in defeat is what I will dream about, and they will be good dreams.

I am only allowed to revel in my success for mere moments before I notice her blood curling around, and with no obvious imperfections in the floor, I can’t understand why it’s moving in such a pattern. Ruby stares on in awe as I open my lips to speak.

“What the hell?”

“I can’t believe it.” Ruby gasps, a look of pure baffled happiness grazing her face.

“Ruby, what’s going on?” I question again, bewilderment causing me to continue the inquisition.

“You did it. I mean, it was a little touch-and-go there for a while, but… You did it.” She replies, as if I would understand what she is talking about.

“What? What did I do?” This wasn’t supposed to happen. I was supposed to kill Lilith and that would be it. What’s happening?

“You opened the door.” No.

“And now he’s free at last.” NO!

“He’s free at last!”

“No, no, no. No he - Lilith - I stopped her. I killed her!” I plead, but deep down, I know what I’ve done.

“And it is written, that the first demon shall be the last seal. And you bust her open. Now guess who’s coming to dinner.” Ruby giggles, her pride and joy filling out her face as I cross my arms, locking them behind my head in panic.

“Oh, my god.” What have I done? What. Have. I. Done?

“Guess again.” Ruby smirks, before continuing, as if her tale of woe is going to change what I have just released.

“You don’t even know how hard this was - All the demons out for my head. No one knew… I WAS THE BEST OF THOSE SONS OF BITCHES! THE MOST LOYAL! NOT EVEN ALASTAIR KNEW! ONLY LILITH!” She cries out, as if the words spilling from her lips will offer me any form of comfort.

“Yeah, I’m sure you’re a little angry right now, but I mean, come on, Sam! Even you have to admit, I’m - I’m awesome!!” Far from it.

“You bitch. You lying BITCH!” My arms swing out, ready to attack her, to do something. Anything, but all that happens is the wind blowing her face and hair like a weak gust of summer breeze. The movement forces me to my knees in defeat, knowing I have no strength left.

“Don’t hurt yourself, Sammy. It’s useless. You shot your payload on the boss.” The look on her face is almost one of rejection and hurt, but it is nothing like what I’m going to do to her in the future. Then it hits me. She used me. She tricked me into ingesting copious amounts of blood, treated it like heroine to a junkie. And that’s what I am. A junkie.

“The blood… You poisoned me.”

“No. It wasn’t the blood. It was you. It was you… And your choices. I just gave you the options, and you chose the right path. Every time. You didn’t need the feather to fly, you had it in you the whole time, Dumbo.” Her words are like bullets, slamming into my heart, piercing what little humanity I have left. Knowing that this wasn’t the blood, that this was me, and me alone... it’s like a weight landing on your shoulders that is too big for you to even stand upright without being crushed under it.

“I know it’s hard to see it now, but this is a miracle so long coming.” Ruby comforts, kneeling down to me like she did the first night I gave into her.

“Everything Azazel did and Lilith did - just to get you here. And you were the only one who could do it.” The feeling of her fingers stroking through my hair used to give me the smallest form of comfort but now, now the feeling causes bile to rise in my throat.

“Why? Why me?” The question I will ask myself the rest of my natural life.

“Because… It had to be you, Sammy. It always had to be you. You saved us. You set him free. And he’s gonna be grateful. He’s gonna repay you in ways that you can’t even imagine.” The loud clang of a door breaking open pulls Ruby out of her sales pitch, forcing her to her feet as Dean moves ever closer to her.

“You’re too late.” She smirks, pride growing on her face.

“I don’t care.” Ruby moves to run, but she’s too late as I lunge up to grab her tiny frame as Dean tears into her with her own knife. The static sound fills the room as Ruby dies, her worthless life snuffed out before she even has a chance to greet the angel she calls father.

With stinging tears and a quivering lip, I look up at Dean, sorrow and regret filling my eyes before I speak.

“I’m sorry.”

I hesitate before I speak again, weary of the cracks in my voice.

“Sully… I screwed up. I let something out into the world that was…” But I don’t get the chance to finish before Sully is speaking.

“You mean The Darkness?”

“This is good. Dean, this is good. The mark is off your arm. Nothing crazy happened. You get your baby back.” I assure him, placing the keys in his hand, hoping it of all things will bring him comfort.

“Yeah, I’m sure everything is perfectly fine.” Dean mutters sarcastically. The moment the words leave his mouth, lightning crashes overhead, striking the ground over and over again, igniting miniature fires in several different locations before going quiet again.

“What did Death call this again?”

“The Darkness.”

We sit in silence, but only for a moment before black plumes of smoke, similar to demons, shoots from the ground in flumes, all of them reaching like tentacles into one focused point, creating a dome of what we can only assume is pure evil.

“Get in the car.” Dean says and I quickly agree, my feet carrying me towards our symbol of safety.

“Let’s go. Let’s go.” Dean encourages, flinging his door open to climb inside. Once I’m in as well, Dean whips the car around like I’ve seen him do probably over a hundred times, but this time is different. This time, the car shudders and sinks down on the left side. The gas pedal continues to do nothing as Dean slams on it, desperate for the car to move, if only an inch of two. The black cloud moves closer and closer with every passing second until it’s practically on top of us before I cry out.

“Dean!”

“That’s what the others are calling it. I’ve just heard rumors.” Sully confesses, but it’s not enough. He needs to know that I can fix this. I’ve already messed up enough. I can fix this.

“I’m gonna fix it. I am. Dean and I, we’re gonna fix it… It’s just…” I trail off, for fear of speaking aloud what I know God wants, but can’t bring myself to admit.

“What is it?” Sully inquires, concern etched on his features.

“I think God, wants to help us fix it. But… I don’t think I can do what he’s asking…” I admit. The cage… I can’t… I can’t go back there…

“How bad is it?” Sully presses on, and I know I can’t lie to him.

“There’s this cage… In hell… And it’s where they keep Lucifer… And I’ve been in it… And it’s…”

I have never experienced this much pain. To have my skin peeled off, strip, by strip, inch by horrifying inch. Or having boiling water dumped over my skin, the burn reminding me of holy water being poured on demons.

The devil burns cold, my ass. The heat of this place, the fire, the burn, it’s all high temperatures. I can feel my skin slowly burning off, Lucifer’s giggle resounding in my ears, as if it was the chorus of a slasher flick. Everytime I think Lucifer’s had enough, the process repeats itself.

Over.

And over.

And over.

And over again.

Until I feel that there is nothing left in me but pain and suffering. Nothing left but the sound of Lucifer’s laugh. Nothing but the slow peel and cauterization of burning flesh. My flesh.

This is all there is. Yet, through the darkness, and the pain, and the complete and utter destruction of what was once my world, one name will always hold truth and hope behind my flayed eyelids.

“DEAN!!”

“And I think he - God… wants me to go back.” I say, tears forming in my eyes at the thought of going back there. The way Sully’s eyes stay locked with mine causes a sniffle and I force myself to wipe away the tears and be strong. I am not weak. Sully’s expression changes once more before he speaks again, quieter this time, more cautious.

“Ever think… About running away anymore?”

Right now. If I leave right now, I can make it there in time. I can be at the motel, waiting for her with open arms. And she might show. Or she might not. The real question is, do I go. Or do I stay here with Dean. The choice is obvious.

The choice was obvious, I tell myself as I sit down next to my brother, beers in one hand and homemade chili in the other. I choose Dean. and I will continue to choose Dean. For as long as I can. Cause he’s my brother. He’s my family.

The question strikes me as odd, yet I feel no weirdness as a smile spreads across my lips as I answer the seemingly confusing question.

“I did. I mean, I have… But not in a while. Not anymore.”

“Dean said you got out of hunting.” Mar- Mom says suddenly as I’m turning to leave. The statement takes me by surprise so it takes me a moment to reply with a simple ‘Yeah’ followed by a shrug.

“And yet here you are.” She presses, and I know I’m not getting out of this without an explanation.

“This is my family. My family hunts, you know, it’s what we do.”

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