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pinescent-and-gingerbread · 6 months ago

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✧ Fantasies in the dark - II

✦ Pairing: Arthur Morgan x Female!Reader ✦ Summary: Arthur's obsession with you intensifies and reaches a point of no return when you catch him red-handed... ✦ Warnings/tags: SMUT 18+, MDNI! Masturbation (again), Arthur is still a little pervy, stripping, p in v, Arthur's self-esteem's still shitty, sub!Arthur at first then switches into dom, Reader is a BIG tease. Mainly Arthur's pov. ✦ Words: 5k (oops) Arthur's pic is mine, others are from Pinterest. And as always, as English isn't my first language, prepare for some possible misspellings. Read on AO3

Part I - Part II - Part III

A ruby, squared, soft form.

His eyes are stuck on it as his thoughts unthread and tangle endlessly in his brain.

Arthur was a damned man. He had been for a while now and this fatality had settled into his head for a few years already. His sins were so numerous and varied that he hadn’t even considered the thought of going to rest in Heaven when the Grim Reaper would finally put an end to his sufferings.

But even considering all of this, the gunslinger had definitely not planned on adding a new sin to his list by jerking himself off while watching you almost every night for more than half a month. Oh, the same old speech was still playing in his head; his gesture leaking with shame and muscles sweaty from fear of getting caught. The adrenaline and depravation of the act, the sweet, sweet relief of his orgasm, and the momentary satisfaction he was pulling out of it every time was a very dangerous cocktail; he knew it.

He knew, knew, knew everything of that, of course he did. And still, his fingers opening his fly carelessly. Still, his eyes searching for this sublime silhouette of yours. Still, his cock hardening, itching, burning, begging to be grabbed. And still, his hands taking the doomed responsibility of answering the call. Still his muffled groans, his lips bitten, his silent words spoken in his head, your body joining him. Still, your hand, instead of his. His spend, less and less consistent, spurting quickly and spreading on his dirty clothes, the silence following, the emptiness, the shame, the guilt, the coldness amplified by his intimate fantasies. Like those dark loud nights of storms, air charged with electricity, and left in heavy disturbing quietness after the last lightning struck. Still, dreaming, wanting, longing.

Still you.

He felt insatiable, like an enraged, mad dog, pathetic bastard. And paradoxically, as he finally had found sleep again after allowing his body what it needed, he felt weaker than ever. Weakened by you.

You hadn't left him after the first night he had succumbed to temptation. You had branded his spirit with a red-hot iron. Damned him to a lifetime of ache, a mortal succumbing to a Mermaid's melody and sailing in search of her on an infinite sea.

A ruby, squared, soft form.

It’s your shawl lying on a chair. You forgot it a few minutes ago, but he didn’t say anything about it. He’s still looking at it, hands fidgeting, mind pondering. What’s good and what’s bad. The ugliness of his self and soul. The risks, the benefits.

He thinks back to the day you and him just shared. A job in Rhodes, “needing to be taken care of by two people”, Dutch’s words. He had sent him, which was predictable —the gang’s workhorse rarely knows rest. But you? It surprised him a whole lot more. Something about the job requesting some “feminine charm”. He hadn’t complained. Not when he had realized he would be able to spend some time alone with you.

And his gaze had been wandering way more than what common decency was allowing him to. Staring and dreaming were all he had been doing lately, anyhow.

Looking at the delicious cleavage your fancy dress was offering when you got out of your tent and joined him back at camp, your breasts pressed up and round, almost impossible not to devour with his eyes. All he could do was make a sarcastic comment about it as the only defense against his urges. You moron Morgan, just say something nice for once. Luckily -or not- for him, you had wrapped your appealing shoulders in the sophisticated cherry-colored cape to prevent the coldness of the night.

Looking at your back as you both rode into town, looking at your neck when he helped you off your horse once into Rhodes. Looking at your lips as you two were sat in one of the Parlor’s house boxes, the job long-forgotten when he had noticed this little wrinkle next to your lips, that one you have when you laugh and find something funny. He would have to add it to his endless sketches of you.

Looking at your thin, sneaky hands from afar as they were slipping into that wealthy gentleman’s pocket to steal the papers you were both here for in the first place. It all felt distant and insignificant to him now, as a forgettable theater play set in the background.

Later, you had been the one looking at him when he had come to your rescue. The “gentleman” was being insistent with you. As you both had crossed eyes from across the reception room, Arthur had read your apprehension and silent call for help in just a split second. And here he was, puffing out his chest, look dark and intense, muscles tensed. The perfect look of a man you don’t want to cross, that look he and Hosea had worked hard on building, scars and broad shoulders gained after all these years of intimidation. He was so used to it by now he wasn’t even sure he knew how to be anything else. His pointer finger tapping threateningly on the shiny Deputy Star he had on his jacket and his deep, menacing tone had acted as the final details. You should leave the lady alone and get some fresh air, pal. The fool had dropped the case and returned with his tail between his legs without any clue what had actually happened.

And then, your sweet voice asking for a drink. “Come on, we got to celebrate! Finally, a job well handled without a drop of blood.” How could he ever say no to that? It was almost too good to be true. Spending the evening with you, laughing, talking, philosophizing.

Arthur didn’t know he could be that talkative. Maybe it was the whiskey. Maybe it was your presence. Maybe a bit of both. And he had paid for everything. A good hot dinner for both of you, your drinks, and two rooms the moment you told him you were too tired to ride back to camp. Oh, he could have given you all the Wolrd’s treasure if that meant you would keep looking at him with these pretty playful eyes.

As the evening passed, the gentle flow of your endless conversations had led you from the bar to the stairs, to the second floor, to the hallway, and eventually to his room, naturally and serenely, like a rowboat ride on a summer lake.

And finally, after a few yawns exchanged, some delicate eyelids rubbed by you, you had left him to sleep, completely forgetting about your shawl, hanging on one of his room’s chairs. And you had greeted each other goodnight. As friends. This was all he would ever be to you, he knew it. And it was better that way. Like this, he was preserving you from having a pathetic man and a pathetic life being his. He was like an infertile soil, anyway. Any seed you would plant and try to harvest with him would end up rotten, corrupted. Fruitless.

And now left in the stillness of the room, in this deafening silence without the sound of your voice, his vision fixated on your abandoned piece of clothing, the most sinful of all thoughts is digging its way through the fibers of his brain, fed by need and alcohol, gnawing at his neurons, eating up any rational reasoning.

A ruby, tempting garment of yours.

He wants to grab it. To smell it. He wants your perfume to completely fill his nose, so much it would be like drowning in your scent. You wouldn’t be coming back for it anyway, considering how tired you looked a few minutes ago. And you’d never know about it. Just like you didn’t know he was watching you all this time through the fabric of your tent. After all, he was already so deep down into this rabbit hole of lust, what would it change?

And just like that, before he can even think about it more, his arm is already extending, his fingers wrapping around the forbidden fruit.

A descent into Hell he is not able to stop nor control. And at the same time, it feels like getting closer to Heaven.

He lays on the bed, back against the coarse sheets that still felt better than his cot back at camp, and brings your stole to his nose, almost covering his face with it. He closes his eyes.

And he breathes in.

Hell. If God wanted him to stay virtuous, why did he create such a temptatious woman like you? Your scent is without any surprise just as irresistible and bewitching as your whole self.

The fruity notes of it remind him of your skin and lips he wants to taste so badly, a mouth-watering gourmet scent. The floral and fresh ones, of this sparkling mischievousness in your eyes. And in the end, as he exhales, warm and spicy aromas rain on him. They fill his mind with a deep sense of comfort, as if scenting directly your hair. It’s intoxicating, spellbinding. Driving him deeper into his madness. He doesn’t try to resist, not anymore, this delightful fresco of fragrances painted just for him.

Naturally and almost subconsciously, his vicious right hand reaches his crotch. He’s already hard. Just by smelling your shawl.

This time you’ve really hit rock bottom, old bastard.

He doesn’t even bother thinking about it more, he already knows he’s too deep in; already knows he won’t be able to stop himself.

Ah shit, screw it, jus’ a quick wank.

He quickly unbuckles his holster belt, then unbuttons his pants, and snakes his hand between the folds of his union suit. A silent swift dance he is used to repeating by now.

He breathes again a long, deep whiff, and wraps his fingers around his cock thinking of you, once more.

He sees you and your perfect body, and everything blends and blurs in his heated psyche. The form of your breasts and ass through the tent's canvas he knew by heart at this point. Your smirk, your eyes looking back at his, only his during this night spent together. Your heady, addicting scent surrounds him and fuels his fantasies even more, making them more vivid than before, the soft fabric of the stole against his skin a light caress he imagines yours.

He strokes and strokes and strokes, he needs it more than ever, even if, truth be told, every time is more than ever. His pinkish cock’s head is reddened and swollen from having been rubbed so many times lately, sensible and almost pained. But he doesn't care. It makes him feel even more alive. Even more here. Simply better.

He wants his body to feel pleasure. Pleasure, for once, instead of pain. Pain all the time, pain everywhere, bullets through his muscles, knives on his skin, cutting through his flesh, fists against his bones, breaking his jaws, his nose, his cheeks. Broken, used, beaten, ripped, bruised, overworked, abused. Oh, he’s tired of it. Only in those prohibited moments, he can experience pleasure. No matter how wicked and profane.

The room is now filled with those wet, fast-paced sounds, his rustling against the sheets, and the smallest of grunts coming from his unholy lips as he fucks his fist. Your name escapes him from time to time, muffled by your shawl he's still holding all against him with his left hand, and breathing the air from.

As if all the World’s oxygen would never be as good as breathing through it. As if everything else would feel thick and fusty in his lungs. No Mountains, no Oceans, no flowers, not the tastiest food, nothing could ever compete with smelling your scent.

Stroke, stroke, stroke. Goddamn it, she’s perfect. A big, hard stroke. Oh God, yes, just a bit more…

Too absorbed by his delirious daydream, he doesn't notice right away the creaking of the door as you enter his room again, searching for the very thing he's using to masturbate right now.

“Arthur, I’m sorry to bother you again but I think I forgot my sh—”

You freeze.

SHIT! He instantly curses loudly and jumps from the bed so suddenly that he almost falls to the ground. A stumbling mess, his holster crashes on the wooden floor with a loud percussive sound as he shoves his member back into his clothes as fast as possible, looking like a disjointed chaos of limbs. He is mortified. There is no way in the world you won’t understand what was just happening. He ends up standing next to the bed, after having thrown your cape at the other corner of the room with such force it looked like the damn thing was made of burning iron. And he doesn’t even know why. Maybe to distance himself from his sins. To try and erase this horrible vision from your pretty eyes. His labored breath and fast-beating heartbeat are now ruled by panic instead of lust. For all his life he had never experienced such shame and felt so utterly stupid.

There is a small moment of silence, heavy and embarrassed. A little time of denying. No, this can’t be happening. But your look turns in circles from the bed, him, and the scarf, circling him like a cornered animal. That’s it, his pride is dead right here in this stupid hotel room. You see right through him, he’s sure of it. Your piercing beautiful gaze lands on his ears a few times, and he knows they’re crimson just by the heat he can feel on them. But the worst thing of all is his bulge, obvious and raised up as a flag right in the middle of his thighs, under his badly buttoned fly. Like a Mausoleum to his Dignity. The damn thing refusing to shrink and obviously screaming loudly his offence to the whole World. All the contrary, your gaze falling on it produces the exact opposite of what he wants, his cock almost twitching in return.

Damn it!

Damn it, damn it, damn it!-

“Where you… Hum…” You start, before clearing your throat slightly.

“ ‘m sorry, Am… I didn’t mean to… ‘m such a goddamn fool.” This is the best he can come up with. What excuses could he have anyway? Nothing could justify what he did.

You had never heard his deep asserted voice so chagrined. Utter fear and shame. You didn’t even know he could feel that way.

His gaze is fixated on his dirty boots, refusing to cross yours. Just as goddamn dirty as me.

“Were you pleasuring yourself, Mister Morgan?” You ask, your tone slightly playful. He doesn’t see it, but a mischievous grin settles on your face.

He takes your tone as a mocking one. You would have all the right to mock him. That’s all he deserved.

He tries to answer but doesn't even dare to admit it verbally, as if it would aggravate his situation. He just nods slowly, as seriously as if he was at a funeral.

“With one of my clothes?” You ask again, your grin widening.

Another nod, his eyes shutting as if he had been hit by something, your sentence making the whole thing even worse. Oh, just a few seconds ago, he was feeling more present and alive than ever, and now all he wanted was to disappear or die.

He hears more than he sees your steps on the parquet. Every stomping sound hurt him a bit more. He doesn't even dare to move. As if everything he would do from now would offend you. Even breathing, no, even existing is too much.

She’s going to slap me. A step. She's going to yell in my face. Another step. I’m dead. A final step.

You’re so close to him now he’s holding his breath, eyes closed, ready to face the well-deserved punishment of your choice for his trespass.

But he's only met with stillness until you speak again.

“Arthur, do you really think I was that hot in my tent, every night?”

The words reach his ears but his brain refuses them. His mouth opens in astonishment. He closes it to swallow loudly and opens it again as if trying to speak in utter confusion.

“You… I… Wait, really?”

“I never thought you could be that naive, honestly.” You answer, a little chuckle escaping you. One of your hands slowly reaches the side of his face, but he still shivers slightly when it touches him. You guide his head back up for him to finally look you in the eyes.

Arthur's two blue sapphires are topped with anxious brows. A bright confusion and a soft vulnerability. They don’t settle too long on one point of your face out of nervousness, as if they could burn you.

“M-me neither.” He simply whispers, a bashful, nervous smile settling on his mouth. He still doesn’t move.

“Do you really think I wasn’t aware of what I was doing, mmh?” You continue, your fingers traveling from his face all the way down his neck, gently caressing the base of his hair.

You can’t be serious right now.

“I… I don’ know…” And he really doesn’t. This is all so unbelievable to him that he’s persuaded this is all a dream and he’s going to wake up any moment.

The only thing anchoring him to reality is your fingers exploring him, making him slowly let out the breath he had been holding in his chest.

“Let me help you finish what you've started…” You murmur, voice low and obvious to what you’re implying, sultry, suggestive.

He feels his shaft pulsing again instantly in answer, his body once again taking the lead. He’s about to say something, to ask you if you’re sure you want to do this with an old bitter moron like him, but one of your hands is already reaching straight to his crotch, palming his warm, needy erection.

“Anh…!” The moan turning into a groan he lets out duplicates your own arousal.

His hips rock against your hand involuntarily, the need for contact of any sort getting more powerful than his shame. He still doesn’t dare do much to you though, not wanting to cross any more limits. He lets you handle him just like you want. He lets the flow of life take him instead of fighting against it, for once. The only gesture he allows is settling his big hands on your back, sweaty and almost shaking.

Oh, your sneaky fingers. They touch and grope and palpate, and he sighs louder. It feels so much better, to have your hand touching him.

After a few more teasing caresses, you sway in a smooth motion and playfully push him backward, making him fall on the bed. He sits there, looking up at you with those two adoring cerulean pupils, as if you were the Sun itself. A distant magnificent star, impossible for him to reach, condemned to only contemplate.

“Get your clothes off.” You order, his reactions making you more confident and straightforward than usual.

He is quick to obey. You could have asked him to jump off a cliff and he would have done it without even thinking. His clothes fall one by one on the floor and you feast on every area of skin he’s offering you. He ends up entirely naked for your eyes. This Titan, cascade of virile hairs everywhere, prominent scarred muscles carved into stone by Ares himself, gorged with raw powerfulness and designed to kill. To survive. And between those open thick thighs, his aroused member. The one he thought of as the triumph of his shame a few minutes ago, is now the Apotheosis of his Glory. Thick, long, hard like him, surrounded by a crown of tawny curls.

“Look at you…” You let out, almost licking your lips. But he doesn’t answer. He doesn’t see what you do at all. Instead, he let his gaze wander on your chest, and you can almost hear the silent plea in his gaze for you to join his nakedness.

Standing right in front of him, you begin to strip yourself out of your clothes, agonizingly slowly, your face displaying this provocative grin that turns him on so much. It’s purposeful, and you feel your own arousal rising as you notice the red coming back to his cheeks and ears.

First, your boots and socks, discovering your delicate legs. Then your blouse, showing your shoulder and chest, then your skirt. He stays silent all the while, enjoying your little show more than you could imagine. Your hips swaying, your arms gracefully dancing, each piece of clothing falling on the ground, this is all a trance he's getting hypnotized by.

Seeing you undress just for him after all those nights spent on his cot touching himself watching your shadow is like adding all the missing color from a masterpiece, enhancing and fulfilling.

“That’s what you’ve been thinking about?” You purr proudly, now in your undergarments.

“God yes. Yer a real’ angel.” He praises in a fevered-like whisper.

You smirk as all answer. “Come on now, show me those dirty things you’ve been doing.” You speak while nodding at his crotch in an almost challenging way.

His hand instantly reaches for his cock. It was itching him to since you had looked at it earlier. He presses his fingers hard around it and he grunts softly, the sound incredible to your ears. Obeying you and surrendering fully to his depravation, he slowly starts stroking himself again while watching you intensely. What did he do to deserve such a splendid spectacle?

That’s when you decide to slowly bend inward and undo the last pieces of clothing you still have. Just a few gestures and your breasts are bare and hanging for him to look at. Jeee-sus. You see and hear his hand speeding up.

Lastly, you reveal your own sex to him, a pearl between those gorgeous thighs of yours, and he curses out loud this time.

“You're so goddamn beautiful. I could... Damn, I could finish right now jus' lookin' atchu.” He confesses, his cheeks, ears, and chest getting even redder at his own words.

“Really, uh? You're quite easy to tease, Mister Morgan.” You taunt, before turning around and bending again, wanting him to see your bottom, taking a more than suggestive position with your ass up.

“Oh, for God's sake.” He nearly chokes, his rhythm accelerating again; almost frenetic. This is all he ever wanted during those cold lonely moments. All he ever needed to see. And he can’t help but engrave every little detail in his mind; the little scars you have here and there, the different tone and grain of your skin, your hairs, your body’s hollows and bumps. Every little imperfection. And they make it all even better. Better than any fantasies he had ever pictured in the past few weeks. Because they are making you yourself.

You turn again to face him and straddle his lap, unable to resist your own urges that had been building and building since you had found him touching himself to the thought of you.

That’s when something finally lights up in his mind. The moment he feels your soft, warm thighs around him, and how you’re soaked in between them, it hits him. You’ve been wanting him just as badly as he wanted you. As odd and surprising as it sounds to him. This new reality is right there against his tip as you start rubbing your entrance against it, teasing, playing, pressing just a few inches in, gently praising how big he looks and how good it would be to have him inside of you.

That thing inside of him explodes.

Suddenly his hands are all over you. Touching everything they can, discovering, molding your curves under his fingertips. Hands on your thighs, hands on your hips, waist, neck. Each part of you touched is breaking every chain that was holding him back, one by one. These perfect sensations blind him to any reasoning, any sense of restrain, and push him to palm your breasts. God, the softness, the warmth. He sighs in appreciation as he kneads both of them and you join his pleasured breathing.

More.

One of his hands leaves your chest to grab your ass, roughly, and he squeezes, hard, while he sucks on the breast that has been abandoned. “Arthur!” You moan out in return, pleasured and surprised voice, mouth left open in delight. Oh, he will satisfy you. Those renewed vows appear as clear as day between the mess of his head as he keeps devouring your nipple endlessly, almost suckling at it. He will push that voice of you to its limit, break it until you won’t be able to scream.

“That’ what you wanted all this time, uh? Drivin’ me insane?”

You search for something clever to throw back at him but the calloused hand on your breast suddenly reaches your cunt and you gasp instead.

“That’ what you do? Torture poor devils like me until they can’t help but fall for you?” He asks again, his confidence heightened by your sweet sounds, his tone getting darker and darker. Touching your folds pleasures him almost as much as you, his brows furrowing into a needy and intense expression.

“J-just you… ‘Just wanted you to notice me…” You admit, your hips rolling on his lap and against his hand. His fingers part your cunt and trace their own way through this little Heaven, exploring this place he had craved so much; and it makes him more excited than any thoughts he could have had on his own.

“Well, that sure worked, girl.”

He lets go of your pussy and you squeal in protest, almost ashamed of your own sound. He smiles triumphantly at you, feeling satisfied to give you a taste of your own medicine. He wraps both of his arms around your waist, your chest ending up pressed against his face; his nose is shoved in it and he sighs louder this time.

He can’t wait any longer. Not when he has been dreaming of this for weeks. Not after discovering your unforgettable perfume. Not after having felt this wet, warm promise of your entrance. He looks up at your face, searching for any trace of disgust or apprehension but you're completely free from any. Mouth agape, breaths deep and hips shamelessly searching for his, you're even more gorgeous than before, and he snaps.

He guides you carefully, his hands warm and hard against your bare skin. And he pushes.

His sex entering you slowly is deliciously hard and hot. His cockhead is big, way bigger than what you’re used to, and feels so good already. His arms hold you in place as he pushes again, wanting to be completely stuffed in, a long, low growling sound accompanying his movement. Oh, Christ Almighty. He had never felt so good than buried like this in your warm, silky, divine cunt right now.

Once fully settled, you both sighs and breath loudly for just a few seconds, your gazes meeting and silently agreeing on how fucking delicious this feels. Then you move up, wanting to ride him, feeling his shaft pull out as you do, but his arms grab you tighter and put your hips back in place.

“God!” You whine as you feel his length plunging again and hitting that spot inside of you.

He starts to buck his hips up against yours, unable to resist anything anymore. His rhythm, he wanted slow and meaningful at first, is quickly turning fast and hard, a remnant of how incredibly frustrated and needy he had been all this time.

“I’m gonna -Ohh, shit- I’m gonna show ya what ya get teasin’ me like that.”

Arthur's southern drawl is even more prominent, his voice hoarse and deep from effort. His thrusts up are more and more powerful, making you jump up and down on top of him and for the first time in days he thanks himself for having pleasured himself so many times lately, otherwise he would have come instantly right there in your heat. Your breasts bounce in this erotic, irresistible dance that he’ll remember for every future night he'll spend alone.

“Oh Arthur, don’t stop!”

His cock pulls out and shoves into your cunt so fastly it's rubbing perfectly how you want it deep inside and you reach for his shoulders, needing to hold onto him, already so close. “Yes, yes, yes, right there!”

He hears your accelerating breathing, your higher-pitched moans turning into screams and he searches for your lips with his. Your tender petals against his dirty mouth. But he doesn’t care, there’s only your pussy right now, and your incredible smell he’s filled with once again, just like you’re filled with his tongue and his dick inside of you.

Both his hands grab your ass and he fucks frantically, his balls slapping against it with each thrust, making your plump flesh jiggle and those hitting and smacking sounds resonating throughout the room. Again, and again, and Damn it again.

It’s too much for you.

You cry out loudly as your fingers dig into his shoulders and your head tilts backward, and his big, solid arms keep you pressed against his chest, completely wrapped around you; and he finally, finally feels it. Pleasure, pleasure, pleasure, instead of pain. This irresistible release, your pussy clenching and squeezing all around his cock. “-Ngh, s-shit yes angel, give it t’me!”

You give it all to him without any resistance and in a obscene scream. And it’s too much for him.

“Ah, God…” He hisses as he feels it coming, quickly pulling you up —as effortlessly as if you weighed nothing— and pressing his cock against your clit, well nestled between your lips.

He reaches your lips again, needing to finish while kissing you, both of your bodies almost sewn together, his moans sounding more and more like primal growls and hisses at every rubbing movement against your core, movements getting faster and faster, impossibly faster, So fucking good, Jesus so goddamned perfect, Perfect, perfect!- Until he finally comes, translucent cum leaking all the way down his shaft and spreading on your lower belly, all panting and grunting, a complete mess; a satiated beast.

It’s better than any of the dreams he ever had, waking or sleeping. And it’s not just the release of this one and only time, it’s the pinnacle of all these lonely pleasures shared with no one in regretful secret.

For the second time that night, he thinks he’s dead.

He falls backward, back against the mattress, and you follow, unable to stand without him. In that silence only disturbed by your exhausted breaths, he turns and grabs the first piece of clothing that he has at hand’s reach, his flannel. He gently uses it to clear your belly from his seed and seeing it, on your smooth and soft skin, makes a wave of culpability crash onto him once again. Shouldn't have done all of this. Should have taken care of her properly.

A dark, glum expression settles on his face and he wraps himself in a deep silence instead of your arms as he finishes to clean the both of you. God, did that man ever know rest for more than a few minutes? At this thought, you bend over to put a small kiss on his forehead, as a thank you for his aftercare.

“Satisfied enough?” You finally break the silence, getting up from the bed –not without stretching your back slightly and swaying your hips before bending to reach for your clothes on the floor.

Arthur cannot help but think of a Nymph as you do all of this still naked. Those irresistible, divine beauties that lure men with a simple move of their finger, as they say in books. He knew it was all stories from another time, but he was more and more convinced they would look exactly like you if they did exist.

“More than in a long time. You?” He replies, voice neutral and features closed as usual. He stays on the bed and put only his pants back, his cock finally softening under the coarse fabric. He never stops looking at you all the while.

“Couldn’t be better”. You assert, your blouse falling back on your upper body. You then roughly fix your hair in this casual, impish way that was yours.

That was driving him insane.

“You’re a little minx, ya know that? Gettin’ naked on purpose every night…”

“Oh, please. You didn’t really complain as far as I know.”

“Nah, but ya did make me insane. Teasin’ littl’ thing y’are.” He says with a fond voice he would have preferred less obvious.

You innocently shrug your shoulders, cheeky grin on your face. The way you're playing with him that easily should have been shaming to him, but he doesn't feel any shame anymore, not after what you have shared.

"Goodnight, Arthur." You throw as all answer, leaving him as you walk through the door of his room. He greets you back, the trimmest trace of longing in his rough voice.

Once again alone, once again cold, Arthur grabs a cigarette from his pocket to smoke before falling asleep; maybe to keep this lingering warmth just a bit longer, the sensations of your body, and especially your sex squeezing around his, still remaining on his skin. Lying completely in the bed, he smiles to himself as he notices you have forgotten your shawl —again. Or maybe you had left it on purpose. Maybe you had both times, now that he is thinking about it. The ruby fabric had landed wrapped all around his old, worn-out leather jacket, like a flame dancing around, enveloping, lapping at a tree.

It looks great that way.

Maybe you were only playing with him. Maybe this was only a one-time thing. But who cared? Tonight, Arthur had been taken care of by a Nymph. And no other mortal pleasure, no other solitaries delights, not even the most lustful and depraved images he could have pulled out of his tormented mind could ever compete with that slice of Olympe you had given to him.

→ Part III

a/n: Yeah, 5K words, I knooow! I'm hopeless. It's quite a lot, but I didn't feel like cutting, nothing felt right. What can I say except thank you, so much, for everyone's interest in the first part, for your notes, comments and reblogs, and for reading all of this! I am in utter PANIC rn because I feel like nothing I could write would be as good or as well received as the first part, but here it is! I really hope it didn't disappoint!

Also, to give Caesar what belongs to Caesar, the holster falling was completely inspired by my dear @zae-heeyyy's Piquancy (II)! I thought it would fit the comical aspect of the scene eheh (go check it out)

And also go check out this amazing piece Moons drew from this fic! Thanks again for this delightful treat! 💙

tag list: @a-court-of-valkyries, @redwritr, @cassietrn, @esquilone, @starlightt180, @narcoticv3nus, @thoughts-of-bear, @emjiroki, @prettyundeadgirl, @eternalsams @amyispxnk @babybatss-blog @ardeniaa @sauvignon-velvet @sweeterlilith (I tried to tag people who had shown interest in a part2, really sorry if I missed anyone!)

#okaaay I'm super nervous posting this!!#you guys loved the first part sm I hope this didn't disapoint...#do I write a pt3?#yeah still a bit filthy and Arthur being a yearning dirty man #arthur morgan #arthur morgan x reader #arthur morgan x female reader #arthur morgan smut #rdr2 fanfiction #arthur morgan fanfiction #arthur morgan x you #rdr2 fanfic #arthur morgan rdr2 #pinefic

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pedge-page · 26 days ago

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Joel Dealing with Wife: How I met your Mother

notes: i've had a few requests for how Joel and wifey met and must say I have been working on this for quite some time.

Warnings: protected sex (ikr what a shocker from me!!!), oral f!receiving, anxious reader during sex, multiple orgasms, reader has hair, brief descriptions of body change post pregnancy

18+ ONLY

- - - -

Joel forgot to make the reservation to Tommy’s number one favorite steakhouse for his birthday. The damn idiot. He had been so busy this year, what with launching their own company, and Joel taking the lead, he’d been swamped with workworkwork. And of course, the place he was meaning to dine at was no longer taking reservations or walkups.

Which left Joel to scrounge for a high-top bar-area table in Tommy’s third favorite steakhouse, some ritzy fancy place that wasn’t in either Miller’s ball park. What should have been an evening indulging in one 70 year old man throwing down on the grill in a family run steakhouse that had massive 27 oz steaks for $32, they were instead having to settle for a corporate run, posh place that had abstract art on the walls on sale for thousands of dollars, a menu with foreign sounding wines, and tiny steaks on big plates, topped with random greens for decoration, and pulling a whopping, ridiculous price tag for some pinky sized meat.

That being said, even after Joel had forwarded the correct address, it’s been 15 minutes, and no Tommy. He anxiously glances at the wall clock. Joel wasn’t looking forward to sitting here, what with his scrounged hair and unkept beard. The best wardrobe he could put together included a lesser-stained pair of boots and a flannel shirt tucked in his jeans, with a belt he had forgotten about, collecting dust in the closet until tonight.

He didn’t belong. He just wanted to eat, clink a beer or two with Tommy, and call it a night.

He swears, if Tommy doesn’t show up in the next 5, 4, 3, 2,—

“Oh my god this place is a maze.” you say, shaking your head and setting down at Tommy’s vacant chair.

Right in front of Joel.

He blinks a few times. Who the hell is this chick?

This chick, evidently oblivious, hadn’t even glanced up to his presence, proceeding to dig through your purse you just tossed to the ground as you go on…

“And then…wait where did I leave off— Oh fuck, so then Kelly asked him if he was going to get her flowers, and he said ‘oh only if you want’ and then I was like ‘Kel, you shouldn’t have to ask on your birthday to get flowers from your fiancee.’”

And you still haven’t looked up, busy now applying some honey vanilla scented, nice smelling lip balm. Even as Joel opens his mouth to say something, you close your eyes and shake your head again with a chuckle, proceeding: “…like that’s shit you argue with your teenage boyfriend over, not the guy you’re gonna be having kids with! And then she said this was the third time she brought it up, plus—“

Joel puts his hands down softly on the table, frowning. Holy shit, does this woman ever stop yapping?

“—oh didn’t she have to drop hints like an atom bomb that she wanted to get married? After what, 4 years? I swear, this is why I’m staying single even if the hottest, sexiest, sweatiest fucker were right in front of—“

You finally look up, to see…some guy?

Instead of fear, or embarrassment, or… any reasonable expression, your face instead sours to that of a confused defensiveness.

“Who the hell are you?” You ask offensively.

Joel is taken aback. “Wh—I’m … Joel?”

“Okay ‘Joel’ but I meant what are you doing sitting here?”

Joel tilts his head, too astounded. “This is my table,” he states matter-of-factly.

“Uh— no it’s not,” you almost cackle, like what an idiot he is. “And I need you to get out of that chair, because my friend Maria will be back any—“

You glance around, only to see your very friend Maria, waving wildly at you from across the room, sitting at a table that very much was the one you were at prior to leaving for the rest room.

“Oh!—that’s odd…”

Ok finally, she’s gonna —

“Why the hell is Maria sitting at the wrong table??”

He lets out an incredulous sight. “Lady, I think you’re at the wrong table.”

You turn back to him, tilting your head like a curious dog. He feels like he’s hanging on the edge of his chair, just trying to piece together what could possibly be going through your too-busy mind.

You take a look over to her again, then to the current table. Then again to her.

Which leaves you… sitting here…. With....

“Oh fuck… I’m so sorry!” You whisper, and now you’re full of embarrassment, face flush warm.

You tumble out of the chair and rush over to Maria, who’s giggling and looking back at Joel while you slam your face into your hands onto the correct table.

Joel just watches you for a moment, still stunned. A little flustered. Strangely… entertained?

You kept peeking your eye through your fingers, before trying to burry yourself into the menu. All while your friend Maria howled at your utter mis-founded confidence.

Joel grins slightly to himself, not really sure why he’s also finding it a bit funny. You were kinda—

“Why’d you pick this place again?”

Joel jumps a little, his glass of water nearly tumbling over as Tommy slinks down into the seat in front of him.

“What?”

“Was Jackie’s full again? You forgot to make a reservation there, didn’t you?” He asks nonchalantly, tucking his napkin into his lap with a casual slouched posture. None the wiser that Joel’s mind is completely sidetracked by his strange encounter with this peculiar woman just moments earlier.

Joel tries to keep his focus on Tommy for the night, but he keeps stealing glances your way. Unfortunately, a whole host of bodies had been sat at the tables between you, leaving it impossible to see whether you were still over there or not.

By the end of the night, when Joel stood up, he lets out a disappointed grunt: Your table had already been cleared, and you were gone.

Joel grasped his jacket, letting Tommy out to his truck first. “Sorry it wasn’t Jackie’s,” he groans, closing the door for his little brother, all buckled in and hanging his arm out the window.

“S’alright. Was a good night to pretend to be rich bitches.” He nods with his cap and a honk honk. “Drive safe, brother.”

“Happy birthday, fucker,” Joel retorts just as Tommy pulls out and disappears into the night.

The place is about to close up, only few stragglers at the bar left. He jingles his keys in his hands, pausing at his the junction between the restaurant entrance and his truck.

He looks back at the window table that you were seated in.

“S’cuse me,” he interrupts the host, who’s wiping down menus.

“Is it possible to make another reservation?”

“Sure. How far in advance?”

“1 year from now, exactly this date and time?”

She peers up to him with a raised brow.

1 year later

“What the fuck do you mean you forgot to Make a reservation to Jackie’s… again?” Tommy asks, walking in fancy rich bitch restaurant with Joel.

“I kinda liked our meal here last time…” he starts, trying to reason that he didn’t … intentionally forgoe his own little brother’s birthday for his own means. Tommy hasn’t even noticed that Joel’s attention is entirely on scanning the restaurant

“That’s great… but save this shit for your birthday.”

As the two wait for the hostess to seat them, Tommy leans closer to Joel’s shoulder, giving a slight inhale.

“Did you … shower before you came here?”

“Yeah?”

Tommy raises his brow. Joel’s the type to usually grunt the entire day in one go before showering to bed. “And your hairs combed.”

“So? That a crime?” Joel brushes him off, looking around the restaurant again as casual as he can fake it.

Tommy sways on his heels, glancing down from his side eyes. “Shirt’s ironed in too.”

“Tommy, we gotta look the part here…”

“No we don’t. We eat. We pay. We leave. Who you tryin’ to impress other than my stomach?”

Joel shakes his head with a hearty laugh.

Was Joel staking his brother’s birthday on the hope that you would be here again? Cmon, that’s ridicul—

Maybe.

But as the two of them are escorted to their table, Joel did another lap of eye scan around the room before sitting down, all the doubts flooded.

You weren’t here.

What if you were just here randomly that one day? What if you were just visiting from out of town? What if you came once and never came again? He bet this entire night on an assumption that you were celebrating something on this specific date, but there was absolutely no indication that you were doing anything but having a night out with a friend.

Oh shit, what if that was your girlfriend??? Oh shitshitshit.

Wait, no, you said that M chick (he doesn’t even remember her name) was your friend.

Oh--what if you had a boyfriend by now?

What if you did walk in that door right now, but you were holding hands with some rich pompous skinny ass college educated schmuck, all smiling and clinging to him like he’s the world, and Joel’s here desperately searching for you when you don’t even know him—

—“Who the fuck are you looking at?” Tommy asks, waving his hand in front of Joel after trying to look around the room in vain for whatever’s got his big brother’s attention.

— and then there’s the fact that Joel hasn’t been on a date in six… seven? Years? His last serious relationship ended because he wanted to settle down and she wanted to keep exploring options. I mean, he got it. They were really young at the time. He didn’t really know anything else. Instead, he spent all this time buried in trainings and apprenticeships and certification courses to be able to get to where he is now…and that left no room for even looking at women.

So why the fuck is he here trying to look for you ??

“Joel!” Tommy shouts, kicking him under the table.

“Shit, sorry.” He shakes his head and takes a long swig of beer.

“Sorry. Just—feeling off today.”

“I bet.” Tommy leans forward, putting his hand on Joel’s shoulder.

“You sure you’re alright?”

He nods. Fuck. He’s here for Tommy’s birthday. A birthday he wasted on this shitty place, banking on a girl he doesn’t even know the name of, and pretending to be a brother. God. He’s terrible. Joel downs the rest of his alcohol in one go, clearing his mind of you once and for all.

“I’m good Tommy. Let’s celebrate tonight.”

Tommy holds up his beer bottle. “To one year of Millers Co.”

“Fuckin cheers to that.” They clinks bottles with a grin.

Joel looks to his right, by chance, and his entire body freezes, blood draining and then revitalizing itself over his veins in a nanosecond.

You’re putting your hair up in a pony tail, smiling and chatting enthusiastically at the same table you were at exactly a year ago. It’s like not a day has passed. You have that same confident aura, like the world is circling you, without really trying. Maybe its just Joel, because aside from your friend you’re seated with, he’s the only one who’s entire world is focused on you.

He should stop staring. Fuck this is weird. Is it weird? But he can’t. He’s worried he’s dreaming, and if he takes his eyes off you again, you’ll disappear for another year. Wait, he’s imagining this right? He didn’t wish you into existence again? There’s no way you’re seated at the exact same table again. But your outfit is different. So maybe this is real?

Joel could feel Tommy trying to talk to him again, but his brain was utter mush. Instead of scanning the room, his focus was directed in a single spot this time, and Tommy could finally make contact with what exact has got his big brother so distracted.

He didn’t really get it, but Joel wasn’t giving any answers in this state.

Joel shakes himself from his trance, worried Tommy is gonna finally pinpoint and—where’s Tommy?

His seat is completely empty, and Joel panics momentarily that Tommy just straight up left him after being ignored for ten minutes.

Worse than that, Joel finally spots Tommy—heading over to talk to you and your friend.

“Heeeeyyy, ladies, I’m Tommy.” He smiles warmly.

“Um, Hi,” you nod with a polite smile.

“’m sorry to bother your dinner, but my brother, god bless him, has been starin’ at ya from across the room—“ he points to Joel’s direction momentarily—“ and you either cut him off in traffic this mornin’, or he thinks you’re cute and is too shy to come over here to tell ya.”

SHITSHITSHIT SHUTthefuckupTOMMYOHMYFUCKINGGOD.

Joel’s feet kick straight down on their own accord, knocking the table hard as he stands and causing people around him to stare.

He speed walks over there, not sure what his next move is: kiss you or strangle Tommy or some weird dance combination of both.

He doesn’t have time to think it over because now he’s here, standing there, like a baboon, as you, Tommy, and your friend blink directly at him, awaiting him to say something.

He needs to say something.

Something…

Anything…

Why isn’t he speaking

Your smile falters a little, eyes narrowed in. He feels himself shrink inside.

“Holy shit,” you whisper, pointing at him. “You’re that guy—“

Oh fuck she does remember me—!

“—that sat at my table last year!”

She doesn’t remember jack shit.

“I—lady, you sat at my table,” he argues defensively. Holy shit wait why is he getting defensive? Maybe because, holy fuck, how could you get that mixed up… Again???

You purse your lips and let out a little laugh. “Um. No. You came and sat at my table. I’m pretty sure I would remember something like that.”

You’re just as cocksure as yourself as you were last time.

He could get used to that.

“What was it—“ you tap your lower lip with your fingers, eyes drifting in though. “Oh! Joel!”

Oh … the way you say his name… he could definitely get used to that.

There’s a brief pause before you begin:

“So… you’re here again?”

“I take my brother here every year… for his birthday,” Joel blurts out.

“More like accidentally take me here—“ Tommy falls short, looking back at you… now realizing this time maybe wasn’t an accident on Joel’s part.

He’ll remember to kick Joel in the nuts later. But right now, his brother’s cartoonishly obvious heart shaped eyes are still locked on you, so he rolls with it.

“Yeah we’re celebrating… our own thing too,” Maria muses, nodding towards you. You roll your eyes playfully, knowing she’s too bashful to admit it.

“She graduated law a couple years ago,” you gloat, beaming at your impressive friend, who’s shrinking under the weight of her embarrassment. “So we’ve made it our little tradition.”

Joel opens his mouth and wishes he used his brain: “We can make it all our tradition from now on.”

The four of you go awkwardly silent, and it almost feels like the whole restaurant went quiet too and is staring at Joel.

Oh God, he should just tuck his tail and walk right out the door right now and leave town and—

You’re the first to let out a giggle, covering your mouth and scrunching your eyes and nose as you try to hide your cute laugh.

Oh fuck. He can definitely get used to that.

Tommy’s gonna give himself a massive pat on the back for this next move.

“Maria, was it?” He asks your friend. “Would you like to join me to get a drink?” He motions towards the bar.

Maria glances at you, now seeing you and Joel are staring at one another, uninterrupted, completely enamored. Shits not on pause. You two are just fuckin’…frozen at each other like little smiling elf statues.

“Yes I would. Tommy, right?”

“Yes Ma’am.”

She links arms with him and the two of them begin: “so you come to this dump to celebrate?” “It’s my favorite?” “Oh mine too!” Leaving you and Joel alone.

“Uhh…”

“Do you want—sit?” You ask awkwardly.

Joel takes Maria’s seat.

“Looks like you’re coming to sit at my table instead,” you snicker.

“So you admit it then: you sat at mine last year.”

You smile, readjusting your napkin on your lap. “I have a hard time admitting when I’m wrong. It’s a stubborn thing.”

“Mmm. Picked up on that.”

You both laugh. You bite your lip before smoothing the tablecloth.

“Joel,” you whisper, and god it feels really good all over his spine when you say his name.

“Yeah?”

“Nothing. I just… like saying your name. It fits you really well. Joel.”

He grins broadly, licking his lower lip and staring at you again with those big, gorgeous brown orbs. Even his voice feels…right. You have no idea how or why. He just feels so…right.

You tilt your head to the side, studying him. “You look … a little different.”

Joel clears his throat, unsure if that is a good thing or bad thing.

“Wait let me just—“

But you don’t wait, instead you’re already reaching your delicate fingers over the table and sifting them through his hair, ruffling his curls out of their perfectly combed place, watching as they tumble messily over one another until they’re bouncing all brown and natural under the low light.

“That’s better. Yeah, I remember that for sure.” You nod to yourself with a little grin that has him blushing harder than Santa on Christmas.

It’s radiant, it’s contagious, it’s sincere.

You offer him your name, and he repeats it with that low timbre that gives you goosebumps.

Oh, you could get used to him for sure.

Four Dates Later...

The puss puss is screaming his name already.

You had always told yourself you would never surrender the flower to man in no less than 6 dates first. But fuck… Joel’s… really something.

You’re seated at his bar stool in his house, swaying your feet with your arms crossed, watching him work like a wizard. He’s making something really really good, and as far as you can tell, something really close to home. you had both shared half a bottle of wine on his couch while he talked about his brother, how he plays guitar sometimes, his company. He listened intently as you shared your movie taste, how oh so different you are from your mom he’d yet to meet, and the best food spots in town.

You also promised you wouldn’t spend an evening like this at a guy’s house so quickly either but… Joel’s really something.

He makes you feel warm and fuzzy, in that gooey icky way you used to make fun of your friends for. He makes you feel safe and protected, and you almost want to start shit with him just to get him to tackle you down and put a baby in you right here—oh my god what is happening to you??

“Remember that time you sat at my table—“

He pauses to face you, eyes peering from his brows with a growl. “Don’t start with me, girl.”

Mmmmm girl. The way he says it is like hot sugar and sprinkles. Yes. Yes you wanted to get used to this ASAP.

Three homemade empanadas later, and you were sold.

As you tumble onto his bed, Joel and your lips can’t break up enough for you to get through a sentence before he’s sucking you back in. The alcohol swims in your system just as hot as the lust that had been dampening your legs all night—or the last few weeks for that matter.

“Just—just so you know… I know first time sex isn’t always great—scratch that. Its never great—“

He stops, his shirt halfway up his head. “You’ve never had sex before?” He asks softly, almost fearfully, like he’s done a horrible thing and not taken you to a hotel and bought you a car and—

“No! I meant first time with a new partner,” you clarify, helping him hoist the rest of that shirt over because you couldn’t be tortured to wait any longer for this view.

My oh my… what a view.

His chest is smooth, clearly undisturbed by any hair, and his belly is soft. But with each movement, you can see the flex of muscle ripping underneath. He has a worker’s body, true to his craft, not some jacked up gymbro bod that gloats his benchpress PR but couldn’t carry a bag of sand on one shoulder. His belly ends in a gorgeously light trail of hair, leading down like the Hairy Brick Road to disappear underneath his belt line, right to your long awaited prize…

He’s staring down at you as you lick your lips greedily, seemingly unaware that you had paused your conversation.

“You hungry for something?” He asks sincerely under a chuckle. “Can make ya more empanadas right now if ya too distracted—“

“Shut up and take these off.” you start undoing his button and zipper of his jeans.

He grins, leaning over to capture your lips as you do work to shimmy his pants off. You feel him push you down gently on your back, expecting him to crawl up and grasp you as he positions his dick between your legs.

Instead, he hooks the bend of your back knee over his shoulders, crawling down—

You freeze, holding his arm so he doesn’t slip any further. “Woah—don’t think I expect you to go down on me.”

“But I—“

“Because I know … all the guys before don’t do that the first time with a new partner, or even second or third, and like… Listen I…” you start rambling, eyes searching everywhere but his own. “I already like you…so I don’t want you…pretending for me… going out of your way for…if its not a given—especially on the first—“

He pulls up, grasps your face in his clutch and kisses you, drawing out all of your thoughts.

“You talk a lot when ya nervous,” he hums against your nose before pressing another kiss there. You both stare at one another. he could see your eyes were vulnerable, like it’s the first time your guard is being torn down by someone without your permission. Like you’re genuinely caught naked in your underwear.

He slithers closer to you, making you lie further back on the bed again until your bodies glide together. His breath ghosts over your lips, and you can feel your heart already palpitating from the sheer sense of control he’s grasped from you naturally. “S’okay. I like listening to you. Keep going.”

He descends lower, lips trailing kisses, hooded eyes never leaving yours.

What happened to that shy, awkward lump of a cutie who was too afraid to approach your table to say hi? He’s certainly not the strong, capable, confident wolf in front of you about to devour you whole…

“R-really,” you mumble, wanting to bring your mind back to why you’re nervous—shit are you nervous here? “You don’t… have to do it…to impress me. I’m already impressed—“

He huffs into your mound. “I ain’t doin it to impress ya, I’m doinnit because I wanna eat your pussy. Been dyin’ to for weeks now. Do men not normally go down on you on the first chance they get?” He asks, genuinely curious. As if it’s a shock to him that you don’t get your pussy ate every single waking minute of the day.

You stare at him slack jawed. He says it as if… as if… he does this every time….because he actually does it every time….

You feel a gush of slick ooze out of your cunt. “Get your fucking head down there and start eating,” you command.

He smirks, “There she is—that’s the one I like—“ before biting your thighs gently and nuzzling his nose between your folds.

Okay, shit, it’s happening. At the very least, even if he’s had practice, it may not even be good. He can’t tick all boxes, right? Yeah, this one thing, he’s probably terrible at. Shit, bet he’s just bluffing just to—

“Do me this once, baby.” His teeth softly sink into the fat of your inner thigh.

You’re already jittery and hazy, anxious and aroused, heavy lidded as your ears perk enough to try to listen.

“Let yourself have this one,” he whispers, eyes trained on you as he kisses the bite mark he left.

“Oh? You…seem cocksure of yourself…” you tease. Even if he’s good, he’d make a fine boyfriend for sure—

Your bravado quickly disappears as he flattens his hot tongue through your slit, sliding the tip against your entrance before pursing his lips, sucking in your sensitive clit with a kiss—

Holy fucking shit he wasn’t bluffing.

He pulls away with a suckle, and you just barely can focus your eyesight on him: the audacity of his baby brown eyes staring up at you with raised, curious, innocent gleam as his lips and nose shine with your arousal.

“S’that okay with you?”

You open your mouth, unable to form words. in fact, it’s the first time in your life that you have effectively been shut up, let alone by a man. He turned your brain into mush, your body floating between space and heaven, but your soul plated right here, underneath his gaze, his hands, his lips, his tongue—

He waits for your answer, warm steady air blowing from his nose to your quivering cunt.

You only gulp, mouth closing in submission.

A wide smirk creeps over his face. Now that’s what she’s like when she’s quiet. He seems to like that he’s shut you up; especially the way your brows knit close together as he drags his tongue through your petals again, over and over like a giddy boy enjoying his melting ice cream.

When he disappears again between your legs, you grasp your mouth with your hand, eyeballs rolling back as you already feel your core shake.

I’m gonna marry him I’m gonna marry him I’m gonna marry him, you chant like a mantra in your head.

And for 40 more minutes, Joel Miller ate you out like a fucking Goddess.

You were spasming randomly, letting out desperate chokes and groans. After the first orgasm, you gave up on the silent treatment. Letting him hear your praises as you came again, and then again, and three more times.

You had never had so many orgasms in a 40 minute span like that in your life.

He’d inhale deeply through his nostrils, burying himself in your mound before increasing the pace of his tongue. Flicking your clit then diving inside, thrusting and twisting. Suckling out your juices and then coaxing you with his fingers deep inside when you started to quiver. He’d lock eyes on you every so often, making sure you were comfortable for the ride.

He knew he would be addicted when he first watched you cum. It only got more insatiable with each one after that.

“Holy f-fuck—“you whine as he sucks your folds in one final time before releasing with a loud smack. “I—I could get used to that.”

He grins, falling down next to you. He takes deep breaths with you, as if having swam across the ocean alongside your marathon run.

The two of you just sat there. Calming your breaths. Your eyes to the ceiling.

His on you.

He strokes your arm with his fingertips. Up and down, soothingly and gentle. He doesn’t know what you’re thinking, and it kinda scares him. Maybe you were done. Maybe you had that post orgasmic bliss, and were ready to kick him out. Maybe—

“So … how do you want me?” You ask, biting your lips. Your hand is already on his chest, itching for more.

His eye dart to your lips one last time, his tongue swiping out. He leans forward and begins kissing you again. The two of you roll over, with him above you. You can feel the press of his hard length against your inner thigh, making you squeak.

He pulls out, his nose nudging yours. “Where I can see you,” he pants.

Joel shreds his last remaining article of clothing.

Yeah, this is it, you think. He makes up for bad sex by eating you out five times. There’s no way. Not that dick size matters of course. You weren’t gonna mention anything by it. That’s just…. Rude. No, it really matters how you use it. So even if he’s moderately big, which you’re sure he isn’t—

His throbbing, girthy member slaps wetly against his belly button.

“Fucking Christ, Joel Miller,” you gasp, eyes a little too wide. It pulses deliciously, veiny and mushroomed. “What the fuck do you feed that thing?”

Oh shit, what was that about not saying anything?

“I mean, its’ like—you look—it’s--“ you shut your trap and just give him two thumbs up.

He pauses, blinking at you before chuckling.

Oh my god, please kill me.

“Okay. That’s — I’ll take that.” He tears open the condom and spread it over his head.

There’s a tiny bit of you that feels a bit of disappointment as he rolls it down his length; the part of you that wants to take a massive leap with this man right now and do it raw.

Hell no. fuck, that’s definitely not a 4th date move. Though, coming to his house and having sex right after dinner was also not a date 4 move either…

He crawls back over you, his forearms planted by your head. Joel reaches down to grasp his cock. At the same time, you instinctively lift your legs, your thighs resting over his hips.

“We fit so beautifully together, huh?” He whispers, kissing your cheek.

You nod.

“You tell me if anything feels off, okay? Even if ya—“

You had snatched the base of his length, causing him to gasp and swallow his words. Effortlessly, you drag his head through your folds, slicking it up with your arousal before notching it at your entrance.

Joel grasps your face with both hands and seals his lips over you as the two of you work his cock inside your hole.

Even with his tongue tracing over yours, he doesn’t let you go. You moan deliciously into his mouth as he forces himself inside, inch by inch, slowly. Your pussy had been stretched and worn perfectly from his eating moments ago, making the stretch to accomodate his girth only pleasurable.

There’s no words. No snarky remark. Just the shared breath between you two. The blurred background except the vision of one another so close. The sounds of your synced, pounding hearts bursting through your chests.

He was so quiet. Tense. Still.

He looked so deep in concentration, like something was hurting him, like he was straining himself. He was so chatty a minute ago...had you done something wrong?

You open your mouth to speak, but Joel beats you to it.

“I’m —I’m gonna cum already—fuck—gimme a minute,” he finally rasps, closing his eyes tightly. His ears are flushed red as he remains completely still inside, the vein in his neck ready to burst from concentration. The poor man was so embarrassed that he might cum immediately, totally ruining any chance to impress you—

“I’m already cumming,” you whine, shifting your hips to get him to gently tap that spot inside that has you clenching around him. “With me?”

The motion sets him over the edge.

Both your jaws drop open in o’s as you orgasm together, pulsing, a mere 3 seconds into motionless sex.

His sweaty forehead falls to your chest. “Shit—shit—I—I’ve—I swear—“

“That—was so hot,” you whisper with a big smile on your face. Joel looks up at you: your eyes dark, biting your lips with a wicked grin as you look over his face, your hand playing with his ear. “More?” You ask softly with big curious eyes.

He fell a little more in love with you, if it were even possible.

You had sex again, this time a little more paced out. Joel was determined to focus on you this time, though you doubted he had considered his even once at this point. All he knew was that he wanted to feel you squeeze around his cock forever.

“You’re so beautiful,” he hums. “So beautiful when you cum.”

You moan desperately, coming back down from your umpteenth climax of the night. he sucked his thumb clean after having rubbed your swollen numb to get you there. You had one ankle hooked around his lower back, pulling him back in with each thrust.

“You—you’re right,” you swallow. “We do fit so well together.”

The both of you laugh, eyes crinkled.

You sigh, winding your arms around his neck. “I can’t wait to do this without a condom.”

He grips your thighs tightly, stuttering for a moment. “Fuck—don’t say that—don’t get me thinking’ bout how good you’re gonna feel raw—shit no can’t—can’t think—no fuck now Im thinkin it—its too good—“

“Yeah? You think about filling me up already? On our first time?”

“I’m warnin’ you, lady. Don’t get me started.”

You let out a loud moan as he started pounding you harder, your skin slapping one another.

“Fuck—thank you Tommy—“ you start.

“Don’t moan my brother’s name when I’m inside you.”

You tighten your lips and nod.

“Want ya spread out on my pillow like this every night.” He sifts his fingers through your hair, watching the way it parts for him. “Want you sayin’ my name like a prayer. Need your cum on my tongue and my fingers and cock to keep me warm. I don’t think I can go back to—fuck—I need more of you--“

He keeps thrusting into your sopping heat with such precision. Neither too fast nor slow. Enough that the two of you could enjoy, savor, explore.

“I want it,” you whisper softly, only for him to hear. You wrap yourself around him closer as he fucks you slow, deep, calculated, passionately.

Maybe both of you were thinking it then: You knew you would have the rest of your lives for it all.

By the time you had finished, and third condom wrapped and tossed in the bin, you were exhausted. You couldn’t even raise your head for the first few minutes. Joel too was whipped. He laid in bed with your head spread atop his chest, leg hooked over his stomach. Your sweaty body sticking to one another with the fan blasting down on your back. You could feel him tracing patterns on your naked back. Like he was telling your body to accept his touch because it wouldn’t be leaving you any time soon.

You were so close to drifting to sleep. Letting out little hums here and there as he rubbed your head with occasional kisses.

“Mbesr empapamda,” you mumbled into the pillow.

“What?”

You sat up slightly, hair messy already from his ministrations. Your eyes were half asleep already as you mumbled with a smirk: “Would you make me more empanadas some day again, Joel?’

He chuckled. “I’d make em everyday if you asked.”

You nuzzled your nose into his neck before finally closing your eyes.

You both slept the best night of your lives.

Joel initially woke up around 6am. When his vision settled, the low light of the morning sun just barely filtering in, his eyes settled on your sleeping form. Your hand rested on the pillow in front of you.

He knew it then. The sight of you right here, warming his bed, his soul, his kitchen, his heart, his body… Joel Miller knew he was going to marry you.

Obviously not something he’ll be mentioning for a while, but something that morning clicked. He was already tracing the empty space on your ring finger. How nice a ring would look there. How nice it would be to wake up like this every morning. To see you. The first thing to greet him each day just like this.

In that moment, Joel felt like he had to give you something of his. It was an urge he’d never experienced before, and he couldn’t quite place exactly why or what it is. But it forced him out of the bed silently and away to his work bench without a second thought.

“Hey, you,” he whispers.

“Nmmmm,” you sigh, squeezing your eyes again. You wipe your face with both palms. your voice sounds like gravel stuck in your throat as you mutter a very unsexy, “Heyyy.”

“I uh—“ he clears his throat. “This is for you.”

You eyes flutter open as he presents a tiny wooden carving of a butterfly. The details were rough but smoothed and you could immediately tell it was hand crafted. Upon closer inspection, you could see it had your initials carved into the body.

You sat up, blinking rapidly. “Did...did you just… make that?”

“Yeah.” the tips of his cheeks instantly reddened. “Woke up a couple hours ago and thought…well you looked…it seemed…It’s not super good I’m still—anyway, wanted to gift ya something…”

“Just now?”

“An hour ago. I came back to bed. But saw your hair falling a bit when you were resting so—“ He had just started getting the knack of crafting wood so it really looked amateurish. He felt stupid now, after spending two hours on it hunched at his desk while you slept upstairs in his bed.

He takes it gently into his hand and flips it, revealing a metal hairclip that had been glued on.

“May I?”

You nod, eyes sparkling with joy. Maybe you didn’t know any better, but it definitely looked like you thought it was the most beautifully carved piece of art you’d ever seen.

Joel gently fastens it into your hair before cupping along your cheek.

“Does it look good?” You ask.

“Amazin’.”

You smile again. Fuck, he wanted to see that smile every day from now on. He was officially smitten. “I can make ya all kinds of things. Well, eventually. I’m still workin’ on it, just started getting into carving so they’re not perfect yet but--“

“Can you show me?”

It was his turn to blink at you.

“Now?”

“Yeah! Unless you had something else you needed to do this morning…I can totally get out of your hair if—“

“Nope, you stay right here, I’m gonna—“

He stumbles out of bed and quickly closes the door behind him.

His workbench was a fucking mess and definitely not date-show ready. You could hear him banging things, scraping counters of knickknacks and bolts into drawers and doing his best to clean.

Biting your lip, you whip out your phone and called Maria on face time.

She answered, eye mask pulled up her face. “What? Oh bitch, I know you ain’t already sleep at J—“

“LOOK AT WHAT MY JOEL MADE ME!!” You squeal, showing off the hair pendant. You kicked your feet in the air excitedly, all the calm bravado you had kept at bay finally spewing over to show off what a man he was.

Joel sat on the other side of the door, listening. He had almost collapsed against from internally swooning so hard at your ‘my Joel’ comment.

He was going to make you so much shit if it meant you could call him “mine” again.

And he did. After a hot cup of tea and some avocado toast, you sat at his stool next to his work bench as he quietly did his work. You were wearing one of his t shirts, hair still a little messy, but ever so cute. Sometimes he’d tell you a little bit about the wood, the technique he’s testing, how many times he’s cut a finger. He’d worry he was boring you, but when he’d look up, all he saw were your shining, eager, attentive eyes on him, and it made his heart flutter faster than the mind blowing sex from last night.

He didn’t know he was doing it but the embarrassment on his face when he realized he had carved an o—a fucking wooden ring—and was holding it out to you.

You quickly pulled your necklace and strung it on the metal chain, clasping it back around your neck. “I love it,” you beam, holding it in your palm as you inspected it on your chest.

You were both thinking it:

I could get used to this.

Ten Years Later…

Something stinks.

So heinous, it forces him awake rather abruptly. His eyes adjust, the dull pain in his back reminding him he’s still alive. The blankets are hot and heavy over his body.

Joel blinks, rubbing his tired, baggy eyes.

The first thing that comes into focus are two fat pudgy baby feet stuck right up his nose. He looks down to see its connected to his little Ellie, who had somehow managed to fall asleep upside down, her bum up in the air like a downward dog. Next to her was Sarah, this one rightside up, and face smashed into the pillow. Her crazy hair is scattered everywhere. Below her was the new pup, Rutabaga, snoring on his back and kicking his paws in the air as if chasing through the clouds. His tail occasionally smacked Ellie in the head, though it didn’t stir her at all. Joel followed down the bed: Spoon sat with her head perched agains a set of legs. Her eyelids twitched as she utters a sleepy sigh.

Those lets went all the way back up the bed, on the far end, connected to the one who made all this extra space on the bed go to good use. Joel’s lips stretch into a wide grin when he finally falls on you.

You were sleeping so peacefully. It was like no time had changed.

The bed may be different. The room, the covers and sheets. His body was thicker, more worn. Hands more calloused. Eyes heavier, voice deeper. And you. Your hair was different now. So was your own body, in so many ways that continued to amaze him. You had grown some bags too under those pretty eyes, new muscle in new places, and some pudge in others.

But you were still you. The girl he fell in love with so many years ago.

He still hadn’t gotten used to any of it at all. And he’s happy.

“Hey you,” you whisper, smiling at him across the bed. You sputter out Sarah’s hair that had been tickling your nose, patting it down to get a good look at your husband.

“Busy night?” He teases, gesturing to the very crowded bed that wasn’t there before he shut his eyes.

You giggle, tossing an arm over all of them and hugging them tight. “I love it.”

The wooden butterfly clip would sometimes be the pendant on your suit. Sometimes the clip to hold your hair, other times to hold Sarah’s or Ellies. Shit, you’d even put it in Joel’s whenever you would give him a curled blow out during his forced spa days with you.

Right now, it sat on your bedside table, right on the lamp’s base.

The wooden ring?

He kept taking it back. Tinkering. Adding a design for each year you’d spent together. What started as a crude, plain, smooth band now had the tinniest etches of details, including hearts, the initials of each family member, butterflies and flowers, even a dog paw. It had become the one thing as old as the relationship itself, and the most sacred of items.

Joel had eventually built you a chair, desk, table, shit even the headboard was custom made. He built your house, the girls’ cribs, rocking horses, duck barn, dog hammocks, kitchen stools, you name it. If it was wood, it was Joel’s. And each and every one crafted with love, for you, for always.

Yeah. This was it. This was his life. And that made his heart warm brighter and swell bigger every day for the last ten years.

The two of you stared at one another with faint smiles. The rest of your family was heavily sleeping between you. But even now, He could see it in your eyes. Always so pensive, always so expressive. He’s gotten quite good at understanding you through them.

This morning, they say, “Thank you for giving me this gift.”

Our Family.

- - - -

Taglist

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valleydolli · 2 months ago

Text

Only You | Chapter Two

Cw 𝜗𝜚 MDNI, Stalking, Obsessiveness, Controlling Behaviour, Love Bombing, Murder, Fluff, Kidnapping, Smut, Toxic Sukuna, Yandere Sukuna? Readers a sweetie, (Touch her you die… like actually…)

𝜗𝜚 Series Masterlist…

𝜗𝜚 Chapter One… | Chapter Three…

𝜗𝜚 WC: 3k

Luckily for Sukuna, his extremely compliant twin agreed to let him pick up his son from school, but the weekend couldn’t have been any slower for Sukuna.

Anything he did to occupy himself and keep you from creeping your way into his mind was a dud. He’s starting to think you’ve put some sort of spell on him. A minute couldn’t pass without you running through his twisted mind.

Any second he had to himself, he would spend it scrolling through your Instagram, saving some, if not all, pictures you’ve posted into a folder he has already made specially for you. Lucky for him, you post a lot, a bit too much. He doesn’t like that, you can't do that when you’re finally his. You just seem too… open.

Too trusting.

Too naïve.

See, you’ve tagged your apartment complex as a location, and you’re wearing a shirt with your work logo in another one of your posts. Your profiles are public for God's sake.

You’re incredibly naive.

You don’t know half of the disgusting, evil men out there. But it’s fine, he’s here now. Sukuna will always be there to keep you safe. He’s your protector. He’s your saviour. He was put on this earth for the sole purpose of protecting you, his angel.

You are his angel.

“What’re you doing to me?” Sukuna whispers to himself. He’s never felt this way before. He's never had someone occupy his mind to this extent. He’s never wanted to be with a woman like this. He doesn’t do relationships, as cliche as it sounds, but he would have rather been alone for the rest of his life. He's never wanted to have a girlfriend by his side, to hold, to kiss, to love, to protect. But with you, it’s different, you’ve changed him for the better. He needs you, and you need him.

You need each other.

*Ping*

‘I’ve found some stuff on the girl…’ Toji messages

Sukuna sighs heavily. Toji really tests his damn patience.

‘Like what, Toji? Don’t beat around the bush.’

‘My bad…’

‘She’s studying Art at university, in her 2nd year, and umm, she’s also a teacher at Megumi's preschool. Yano with your nephew… probably should have mentioned that, huh?’

What. The fuck. Jin AND Toji knew who you were before him?!

‘Toji, don’t piss me off. I told you her name, you don’t know her fucking name?’

‘I’m sorry, I dont know her fucking name. They just call her Miss Fluttershy or somethin, from that kids' show? My little horse? I think she mentioned her name before, I just forgot…’

‘You’re so fucking useless sometimes.’ Sukuna runs his large hand down his face.

My God. Yuji talks about you every fucking day. You gave him those stupid colouring books.

“Miss Fluttershy.”

The kids’ just as obsessed with you as he is.

‘Do you know what days she’s working?’

‘Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays’

‘Perfect.’

~~~

As Monday finally rolls by, Sukuna couldn’t be more thrilled to see you again. There hasn’t been a second since he met you that he hasn’t thought about you. What will you wear? A dress? It’s quite warm today. What perfume will you use? Do you have a favourite? How will you style your hair? In a bun? No, a ponytail!

His body is practically buzzing with excitement just to see your face again.

To smell you.

To hear your voice…

The way you say his name... It’s been echoing through his mind.

So soft and delicate.

What would you sound like yelling his name? What would you sound like moaning his name, while he slid his thick inches into your tight walls.

“Fuck…” he sighs, as he rubs against his growing member—

No.

Stop.

It’s almost 14:00, he’s got 30 minutes until he needs to pick up Yuji, (and meet the love of his life again,) and he looks a fucking mess. Hair disheveled, five o’clock shadow. He looks nasty. It’s not good enough for him. It’s not good enough for you.

Sukuna finally pulls himself out of bed, throwing on a wife-beater, a grey tracksuit and shaving his five o’clock shadow.

Great. Presentable.

15 minutes.

15 minutes until he sees you again.

~~~

“Come on, Yuji, honey, your daddy’s here.”

“No, it’s not my Papa, it’s Uncle,” the pink-haired boy says as he grasps onto your hand.

Oh, the mysterious brother Jin always speaks about, and the Uncle little Yuji admires.

“Really? I can’t wait to meet him! I’m sure he’s just as lovely as you.”

“No, he’s a big meanie,” The young boy deadpans.

Oh…

As you turn the corner with little Yuji trailing by your side, you’re faced with someone you didn’t expect to see at your place of work.

Sukuna.

How does he know where you work— wait. Is he here for Yuji? He’s Jin’s brother? The brother Jin and Yuji mentioned countless times?

There you are, and you look so beautiful. He was right, you’re wearing a dress. A floral dress. How adorable. He just wants to dress you up like the doll you are— wait.

You’re flustered. Why are you flustered? Aren’t you happy to see him? Did he do something wrong?

“Sukuna? You’re Yuji's uncle?” You inquired, “Wow… Come to think of it, you guys look so much alike. I should have noticed the moment I looked at you, huh?”

You begin to chuckle to yourself

“Actually, I think Jin and Yuji are happier looking than you.”

“He’s always angry, Miss Flutter,” Yuji chimes in.

He’s holding your hand why is he still holding your fucki—

No, he’s not about to be jealous of his 4-year-old nephew, no way.

Control yourself.

“Mhm, that little brat is my nephew.”

“I’m not a brat!” Yuji calls out

“You’re right, sweetheart, you’re the cutest one here, but don’t tell anyone I said that, okay? It’s our little secret.”

He vigorously nods his head, “Mhm, I promise!”

You’re good with kids, you’re so good with kids. You don’t understand how attractive that makes you. Oh, how desperately he wants to make you a mother. A mother to his kids, his twin—

“Suku, can Miss Flutter get ice cream with us?” He hears his nephew say.

Oh my God.

Yuji, you fucking genius.

“He’s right, you should come, it’s by my place, ‘Kaspas.’ I can take you home afterwards?”

Say yes.

“I do love that place, but I wouldn’t want to intrude…”

Angel, there wouldn’t even be a point in Sukuna's miserable life where you could intrude. Ever. If he could keep you by his side forever. He would.

“You could never intrude. Come on, my treat before our date.” He smirks as he desperately tries to convinces you to get ice cream with him… and Yuji.

Just fucking say yes. Do you not want to be around him?

“Hmm… okay fine, I’ll come along. Let me get my stuff quickly.”

Thank fuck.

Sukuna lets out a relieved sigh. You’re difficult. Is that normal for you? If it is, he's got to correct it. He can't have a disobedient girl by his side.

No way.

Again, Yuji pulls him out of his thoughts, “Suku, do you like Miss Flutter?” The young boy asks as he looks up at his uncle.

Sukuna chuckles and leans down to the boy’s ear and whispers,

“Don’t be a nosy brat.”

~~~

As you make your way to the car park, with Yuji still grasping onto your hand, you come into sight with Sukuna's car, an extremely expensive car. What the hell does he do for a living?

“Detective,” He answers back.

“Huh?”

“You’re thinking out loud. I’m a detective,” he admits.

“Woah, it pays well clearly,” you say as he opens the car door for you.

“Aren’t you a gentleman?”

“Just for you, angel,” he winks.

You’ve been watching him drive for the past five minutes. You can’t help but stare. He’s so beautiful. He and Jin hardly look alike as twins. Don’t get it twisted, Jin is just as attractive as his brother, but there’s something so ethereal about Sukuna's features. Almost as if he’s not a real person. Does he have any flaws? He was perfectly sculpted by the gods themselves. His arms are… massive, he clearly spends a lot of his time in the gym. His nose… is so… rideable. My goodness, how did you get this guy to approach you?

“You’re staring, angel, you like what you see?” Sukuna questions, as he cocks his brow.

“Yes, I actually do.” You shyly replied

“Well, we don’t live far from each other, you’re more than welcome to see me more.”

“I know I’m just— I’m really busy, as much as I’d like to see you, I need to focus on school and work…”

Sukuna wants to be mad, but you’re such a good fucking girl. You should focus on your studies, yes, but what about him? His focus is on you right now, so why isn’t yours on him?

Bullshit

“But, maybe we could have dinner tonight?” You innocently ask.

“I’m making lasagna, do you like it?”

“I love it, Miss Flutter!” Yuji chimes from the backseat

Honestly, Sukuna forgot Yuji was here.

Sukuna sternly looks at the boy through his rearview mirror. “No, you’re going home after this, brat.” He asserts.

“Hmph,” you hear from the sulking child, as he crosses his arms and pouts his lips.

“I’ll love whatever you’re making,” He grins.

“You might be my biggest fan behind Yuji, Sukuna. You’re not gonna start stalking me, are you?”

Sukuna grin falters

“‘Course not, I’m a normal guy. I promise.”

Liar.

~~~

The three of you arrive at the dessert parlour, 20 minutes later. It’s understandably packed since it’s a warm day. You find a table in the corner of the shop, giving Yuji the seat by the window, and Sukuna sitting opposite you.

“Hi, what can I get you guys today?”

“Cookies and cream!” Yuji yells at the server

“And for you, pretty?”

Sukuna's eyes darken and snap towards the boy. The fuck did he say?

You giggle.

You fucking giggled.

You think that pathetic attempt at flirting is cute?

“Vanilla ice cream, please, and some cookie dough.”

“And for you?” the guy mutters at Sukuna.

Sukuna side-eyes the server and mumbles a quick “nothing.”

The audacity this kid has to speak to you like that and you like it?!

“Sukuna, are you okay? You don’t want anything?”

“I'm not big on sweet things,” he comments bluntly.

“Oh-kayy, it’ll be about five minutes.” He finally walks away.

That little shit. Who the fuck does he think he is. And why the fuck are you feeding into his bullshit?

“What a creep,” he hears you say.

“I swear, everytime i come here he does that shit, it’s boring.”

“Does he bother you?”

“Every damn time. I just pretend I’m into it now, he was way creepier before,” you pout as you look out the window.

Sukunas lips twitch into a smirk.

Angel, you're never seeing that piece of shit again after today. Don't worry your pretty little head.

He’ll protect you.

“Why don’t we take it to go? And I’ll take you and the kid home before dinner,” Sukuna proposes.

“Yeah, I’d like tha—“ you begin to say but that dumbass server cuts you off.

“Here are your orders. And this is for you,” he winks at you before walking away.

It’s his number.

“Well, I guess he’s feeling confident today, huh?” You awkwardly say.

“Come on, Yuji, let’s go,” you say as you grab his smaller hand in yours to leave. You make sure not to pick up the tissue with the server's number on it and make your way to Sukuna's car. But don’t worry, Sukuna definitely made sure to pick up the tissue and stuff it in the pocket of his joggers.

“How about you take Yuji back without me, and I get started on dinner? I'll text you my address,” you say, but you don’t give Sukuna the chance to answer back, you’re already walking away.

“Bye, Yuji!” You wave.

Sukuna hates to see you go but fuck, he loves to watch you leave. How long until he gets a hold of you, really? How long until he can see you every second of every day? Really, how long? What if he kept watch of you—no, that's too much… is it though? He’d be able to keep an eye on you from afar, for now at least. It's not too much if it's keeping you safe.

“C'mon, kid, let’s go.”

~~~

You've never cooked for a guy before. I mean, you've cooked for Satoru before, but he's not a guy, he's… Satoru. Satoru, who lives down the hall, Satoru. You know? You wonder if he and Sukuna will get along if you both continue seeing each other.

You've texted Sukuna your address, so he should arrive soon. Luckily, you're prepared to have guests today, your apartment is spotless, well besides your bedroom but he won’t see that. Fuck you’re nervous, over some guy? But he's not just some guy. You've known his brother, his twin brother, for over a year now. This is insane.

Finally, you hear a knock at your door. He’s here. Gosh, are your palms sweating right now?

Calm down, you’ve got this. The food looks good, and you look good. Everything's going to be just fine. Now just open the door.

Once you swing your door, you’re faced with the biggest assortment of flowers. Peonies, roses.

You're in awe.

“Sukuna… these flowers… they’re my favourtie.”

You tweeted that they were your favourite flowers in 2018… Yes, he scrolled that deep into your socials.

“Gosh, they're so beautiful, thank you. I don't know where to put them. Come in quick before the food gets cold.” You say as you hurry excitedly to your kitchen.

Your apartment's cute.

Cosy, for a girl like you.

Sukuna bets you’d feel cosier in his apartment. You’d have so much more space for your books, your pretty shoes, your dresses. You’d feel at home. Home is wherever he is. You need to live with him. You need his protection. But for now he can just watch you. How? He has 4 mini cameras stuffed in his pockets he's planning on hiding around your apartment. There’s already one outside your door so he can see who comes in and out of your place.

He just needs to figure out where he wants to put the rest of them.

“Here, sit. Do you want something to drink? I have wine, some tropical juice and water of course.”

“I’ll just have water, I've actually got to go into work later.”

“Work.” He’s actually going to beat the shit out of the server that’s been harassing.

That’s still work, right?

“So,” you begin as you take a seat opposite Sukuna.

“I still can’t believe you’re Jin’s twin. You just seem the complete opposite especially in looks. You’re fraternal, right?”

“Yeah, I’m 6 minutes older.” He tells you

You sigh longingly, “I’ve always wanted twins… girls of course.”

You were made for each other.

“Wow, so do I, what a coincidence,” he admits.

“We might as well get started then, huh?” You suggest as you sip your wine.

He chokes on his drink.

What’d you say?

But before Sukuna can reply back there’s a knock on your door.

“Hey, you in there?”

A guy? What man is looking for you at this hour.

You roll your eyes before pushing back your chair and making your way to open the door for said man.

“Yes, ‘Toru? I’m kind of busy right now.”

‘Toru?

“I’m sorry but I could really need some help… please?” This “‘Toru” says with a charming smile.

Annoying.

“‘Kuna, you don’t mind if I help my neighbour quickly?”

“Kuna…”

“No, not at all.” Now if he didn’t need to hide the 4 cameras in his pocket around your house, he would mind. But this “‘Toru” guy is honestly helping him out.

“Ten minutes,” you tell him as you shut your door.

Sukuna instantly rises from his seat and makes a Beeline for your bedroom.

It’s messy.

You didn’t make your bed. Do you leave your bed unmade everyday? There’s a bottle of water on your side table. You didn’t finish it.

Weren’t you thirsty last night?

Sukuna runs his large hands across your bed sheets. Running his fingers along each crease you’ve made.

What side do you sleep on? Away from the door, right?

Makes you feel safe.

“Who else has slept in here? That ‘Toru?” He spits as he kneels down to your bed level

He can smell you. So sweet. What perfume is that? He puts his face right into your sheets and breathes your scent in deeply.

“Fuck,” he mutters into your sheets.

He was practically drooling.

“God, I think I love you, Angel.”

He’s started to rub on his crotch, your smell is getting to him.

Rock hard.

He’s a creep but he doesn’t care. You’re like a drug.

An addiction.

His addiction.

He begins to pull out his leaky length from his boxers, rubbing his thumb across his swollen red tip.

So much pre-cum it’s dripping onto the side of your duvet.

He strokes himself back and forth steadily, still breathing into your unmade bed.

It’s your hand stroking him; pretend it’s you. You’re whispering his name softly…

Sensually

His pace quickens.

You might be back soon. He needs to hurry. You can’t see him in such a… pathetic state. You can’t see him in this state at all. Not yet at least.

The schlick sound of his length could be heard from the other room, he’s desperate at this point. Whining for you, pleading for you.

“L-love you. Ugh, I love you, Angel.” He cries out as if he's confessing to you.

“Need you. So b-bad.”

His core tightens, hands clutching onto your sheets.

Wishing the load he’s about to release was spilling into your womb instead.

Soon

His throat lets out a guttural moan, he’s cumming, but not into you.

Into his hand.

His fucking hand.

Pathetic.

After Sukuna recuperates himself, he places each camera in a spot he knows you won’t see, but he’ll definitely see you.

He also takes a few presents for himself from your washing basket.

He’ll definitely make good use out of them.

It’s been 10 minutes and you’re not back yet. What’re you doing with your neighbour?

Just as Sukuna is wondering where you are, you open your front door dishing out apologies for your absence.

He’s not mad… Only because he has a date to attend.

A date with the Parlour Boy.

𝜗𝜚 Authors Note: ehhhh. ehhhhhhh he was creeping me out at the end icl but uh what do you think? i’ve never write this much before. i know for a fact im gonna come back and rewrite things in the future but here you go! goodnight ♡

𝜗𝜚 Chapter One… | Chapter Three…

#jjk x reader #jjk smut #jujutsu kaisen x reader #jujutsu kaisen smut #sukuna x reader #sukuna smut #sukuna #sukuna x you #ryomen sukuna x reader #daddy sukuna #modern sukuna #jujutsu kaisen sukuna #ryomen sukuna x you #sukuna ryomen x reader

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sprenthecreator · 5 months ago

Text

THE JUDGE | Waking the Demon

Male reader x Shuhua, Soyeon

word count: 7.1k

tags: brat shuhua, threesome, thighjob, titjob, rough stuff, breeding

━•✦•━•✦•━

Miraculously you had managed to go buy the pill for Miyeon before the 12 hours had passed, but you almost forgot about it in all the chaos that was the rest of the party.

When you went up to the room, people were already a bit crazy, nothing out of the ordinary for a party for people your age and above all, nothing that couldn't be controlled. Now, when you went down again, things had already gotten completely out of hand. Yuqi was making a complete fool of herself, rolling around the living room floor laughing with Xiaoting, who no longer seemed as shy as a few hours ago; both drunk, like 80% of the people in the house at that time. Minnie had fallen asleep on a damn dining room chair, you didn't really know how. Soyeon was taking care of the Lightsum girls, two of whom were dancing on top of sofas and the other was making out with a boy you didn't know by face.

Yeh Shuhua, on the other hand, had disappeared without saying anything to anyone. The gossip was that she had left in the car of that guy you had seen her with earlier—who you later found out was called Ezio—and two other girls. Soyeon had told you that she got tired of blowing up her phone with calls, and that even so, Shuhua didn't deign to answer. In fact, at the last attempts her phone appeared to be turned off, on purpose, probably. Your girlfriend had a small anxiety attack about it, until around noon she received a text from her letting her know that everything was fine and where she was exactly so she wouldn't be alarmed. Of course, Soyeon gave her a huge scolding, both for leaving without warning and for not answering the calls, but Shuhua cared little or nothing, so the matter was quickly forgotten.

Back to your life, after that day your relationship with Soyeon and the girls went to a level you couldn't have imagined in your wildest dreams. They had become fuck buddies with you, Miyeon now being the newest addition to that little deal you had going on between you all. Soyeon had absolute priority as your girlfriend, but you and the girls could fuck with or without her. However, the potential rebel was the only one who was still not part of the circle, and you knew that burned her to the bone.

There was no particular reason, it was just that your schedules didn't match up, but the fact that she was being left out along with the constant chatter from the others about their experiences had her on the verge of insanity. To top it off, she had caught you, Minnie, and Yuqi in the act without you realizing it, ending up unleashing her anger.

Just a couple of days later, the first date of the girls' new tour arrived, the day that marked exactly three days since Shuhua had decided to give you the cold shoulder and one week after the party. You were with the girls from early on, mainly acting as moral support during all the sound tests and other preparations prior to the concert. Fortunately, everything went wonderfully that night. Neat choreography, impeccable outfits, incredible sound, immaculate vocals, and above all, a rudely sexy and dangerous Shuhua with her Britney Spears cover.

You knew it couldn't be on purpose since it had been something that had been planned for months, but you couldn't help but think that every move, every facial expression and every look had been meticulously chosen to make you drool. A lot of it had to do with the outfit: a small, shiny backless top, black leather shorts and boots that went up to her thighs. One of the hottest outfits she's ever worn, hands down, and it did a great job of making you need her very, very badly. You wanted to talk to her after the concert though, but the silent treatment was still on you.

So there you were, you, the girls, and the staff at the rooftop bar you'd rented for all of you at a hotel. You and Soyeon were sitting on stools near the railing, facing each other, while drinking mojitos and eating snacks. The others were scattered around the bar: Minnie and Miyeon were inside drinking shots, Yuqi was chatting with a friend who had come to see her from China, and Shuhua was talking to the two stylists.

"Hey, why isn't the brat talking to you?" Soyeon asked you. She was wearing a different outfit than the last one she wore during the concert, but her hair was still down. "What did you do to her?"

"I didn't do anything," you replied, munching on a sour cream chip. "The question is more about what I didn't do to her."

"Oh," Soyeon laughed, looking out over the railing at the Seoul skyline. "It's about that, isn't it?"

You nodded, taking a sip of the mojito.

"She caught me, Yuqi, and Minnie," you said. "Ever since she told me the next day, she won't talk to me."

"Well, it's her fault for disappearing that night," Soyeon shrugged. "She'll get over it."

"You're sure? Because I feel like she hates me."

"If she hated you, you'd be a dead man by now. She's just throwing one of her tantrums."

You turned to look at Shuhua in the distance.

"I don't even understand why she's throwing tantrums, it's not like I don't want to... you know."

"I know, and she looks extra hot tonight," Soyeon turned to look at her as well. "Maybe something could happen."

"Not if I can't even share two measly words with her."

Soyeon looked at you and placed her hand on yours.

"You just leave it all to my mastermind, sweetheart," she winked.

Just then you received a text on your phone. It was one of your coworkers asking you how your part of the project you were working on was going. The deadline wasn't too far away, so you had to hurry.

You clicked your tongue and sighed.

"What's wrong?" Soyeon asked.

"I have to get back to the room," you said, putting your phone away. "Work pending."

"Do you want me to go with you?" she asked as you stood up.

"No baby," you shook your head, and walked over to her to place your hands on her thighs and give her a peck on the lips. "You stay here and have fun with the girls. You deserve it."

"Okay," Soyeon nodded in a small voice. "I won't be long, anyway; I don't want to stay up so late."

"I'll be waiting for you then," you pulled away. "Just make sure to bring me one of those ravioli if there are any left, they're fucking delicious."

"Pray Yuqi leaves some,” she chuckled. “She's been eating for half an hour."

"Let her worry about not falling on her ass again and not making a fool of herself," you laughed, already walking away from Soyeon to leave the bar.

You went straight to your and Soyeon's room, and upon arriving you went to the desk to get your laptop out of your backpack and get to work. An hour and a few minutes passed when you heard three loud knocks on your door. You frowned, looking away from the laptop screen. It couldn't be Soyeon since she could just open it and walk in; it had to be one of the girls.

"Who is it?" you said out loud. No response from the other end. "Song Yuqi, I swear to god, if this is another one of your pranks I'll kill you."

You stood up and strode towards the door. When you opened it your soul left your body, as if you had met the devil himself.

"When were you planning to take the initiative, you damn dog?" Yeh Shuhua asked with a hand resting on the door frame. She was wearing the exact same outfit she wore for the concert cover. "I bet if I was Miyeon unnie you would have already rushed me here to fuck me."

Before you could come to your own defense, Shuhua pushed you inside and walked into the room with you, making you back up until you bumped into the bottom edge of the bed and sat down. She closed the door, and stared at you as she took off her top, giving you the privilege of seeing for the first time one of the prettiest pairs of milky tits you had ever seen, which came with a very pleasant and hot surprise.

Her nipples were pierced. What the fuck. How didn’t you notice after?

"I would let you fuck me in this outfit, but you don't deserve it," she said as she now took off her boots.

"May I know why the fuck you talk like I'm the one to blame?" You asked, unable to take your eyes off her tits and those shiny silver nipple piercings. "What do you want, for me to magically make our schedules match up?"

"Well yes!" Shuhua snapped. She had already taken off her boots, and was now working on her belt and leather shorts. "It's the least I deserve."

Shuhua took off her shorts and was left in just black knee-high socks and lace panties of the same color. She took slow steps towards you, hands on her waist and a small, haughty smile on her face knowing you were still in shock from her pierced nipples. Arriving in front of you she straddled your lap, wrapping her arms around your neck before kissing you.

With Shuhua's sweet lips on yours you placed your hands on her and ran them all over her delicious, soft body, with special emphasis on her back and ass. She ground her hips against your bulge, making it hard in seconds and rubbing it against her slit.

"I hate you for leaving me last," Shuhua murmured mid-kiss, gripping your hair tightly as you groped her ass beneath her panties. "It was as easy as telling me you wanted to fuck and I would have made time for you."

"I'm not arguing with you about it, you brat whore," you replied, squeezing her ass cheeks before giving her a smack. Shuhua moaned and sank her teeth into your bottom lip to tug at it, then stood on the floor between your legs and pointed at your hard bulge.

"Come on, show me the piece of meat the other whores have been tasting all this time," Shuhua demanded with her hands on her waist, not expecting no for an answer.

You complied and pulled your cargo pants and boxers down your legs. Shuhua's eyes lit up like two bonfires as your hard, throbbing cock was at her mercy, and she bit the tip of her tongue as she knelt down. Her hands then went to your thighs, to gently rub them with her fingertips.

"Wah, such a nice fucking cock," Shuhua gasped and then looked into your eyes. "Being the last one to have it is a fucking insult to me, and for that you deserve to be punished."

You took a deep breath and exhaled with a sigh.

"Shuhua, don't be a fucking brat and suck it," you said.

"I will," she grabbed your balls, squeezed them gently, and gave the base of your shaft a quick lick. "But that's not what the punishment is about."

"Then what the fuck are you talking about?"

"Simple enough," Shuhua pressed kisses to the back of your cock, with additional little suckers. "This cock isn't going to touch my pussy until you cum at least once."

"And why do you think that's a punishment for me?"

"Because I know how desperate you are to fuck me mercilessly after watching my performance," she giggled, finally taking your cock to lick up to the tip and swirl her tongue around it. "I see it in your eyes: you want to put me against the wall and pound my pussy until I cry, and you want to do it right now, but it won't happen."

"You fucking..." you gritted your teeth and closed your eyes as she took you into her mouth. "Oh god," your head fell back.

Shuhua sucked on the first few inches of your shaft slowly, one hand on your thigh and the other around your base. She slowly took more, until she was sensually pumping her head over the middle of your cock. You let out small moans, the sheets crumpled between your fingers. As you straightened your head your gazes met, and you noticed that her eyes now exuded such lust that it made you breathe heavily.

In the middle of the blowjob Shuhua looked away from you, and reached down with her hand to take the phone out of the pocket of your sweatpants to give it to you.

"Unlock it," she said, and continued to move her pretty lips up and down your cock.

You hesitated, but grabbed the phone and unlocked it for her. Shuhua snatched it from your hand, went into the camera app and as she sucked you off she started taking selfies. A huff escaped you, already knowing why and who these photos were for. The only thing left for you was the hope that you would have the same luck you had with Miyeon and that your girlfriend wouldn't cut your head off.

"Was that really necessary?" you gasped. Now Shuhua was pumping her head faster and leaving more saliva on your shaft.

"Pretty much," she said, and pulled you out of her mouth to straighten her back and show you her beautiful pair of pierced tits. "Otherwise how will we make her come, silly?"

"It's her room too," you replied, watching as she moved her tits closer to your cock. "Sooner or later she would come."

Shuhua's tits weren't especially huge, their appeal lay more in how pretty, round and soft they were, so you didn't think they were great for a titjob. But despite that, she didn't care and squeezed that pair of creamy mounds on either side of your shaft, helping herself with her fingers to keep your cock between them and start moving up and down.

"Oh my god you can't be for real," you gasped.

Shuhua's lips curved into a slight cocky smile, and then she looked down to spit on your cock and between her breasts. Again, Shuhua's tits didn't quite manage to cover your shaft, but you still knew it was the best titjob you'd ever received. Besides, those damn pierced nipples kept melting your head; you couldn't stop staring at them, and you were dying to taste them.

"Ah, it feels good doesn't it?" Shuhua said with a giggle, bobbing her chest faster. "It could have happened before, if you weren't such a fucking moron."

"Yeh Shuhua, I swear to god," you gasped, and reached out a hand to grab a handful of her hair behind her head tightly. "I'm going to fuck you so hard you won't feel your pussy tomorrow."

"Then hurry up and cum!" Shuhua raised her voice, fucking your slick cock between her tits. "You're not the only one desperate for you to fuck me!"

Impatient, Shuhua released you from between her tits and took you back into her mouth. Her lips remained wrapped around your tip, and she used her hand to quickly stroke your cock while repeatedly licking your urethra. Your eyes rolled back, and your toes curled as you felt yourself suddenly close to climax. Seeing you in that state Shuhua stopped using her hand, and with just her mouth and quick head pumps brought you to your orgasm.

When she felt the first spurt inside her mouth Shuhua quickly pulled out and jerked you off by aiming herself at her face and tits, making all of your load land in thick spurts there.

And just then the bedroom door opened.

Soyeon rushed in and slammed the door behind her, looking at Shuhua in obvious annoyance. Shuhua just bit her bottom lip and turned to look at her, showing her tits.

"Weren't you supposed to not talk to him, slut?" Soyeon asked as she took off her jeans and top.

"And I didn't," Shuhua replied, watching as Soyeon stripped down to her panties. "But I got tired of his damn incompetence and took the initiative myself."

"That just sounds like you were too horny today and decided to put pride aside," Soyeon chuckled, climbing into bed with you. She knelt down beside you and leaned close to your ear. "I know how much you want to destroy that slutty pussy, so I'll let you have some fun with it for a little while," she whispered.

Your girlfriend then bent over your cock, cupped it in her fingers, and brought it to her mouth to clean up the last of the cum on it.

"Unnie, your boyfriend has a delicious cock," Shuhua said, in a smug tone that made you shake your head. Soyeon was pumping her head gradually faster on your shaft to get you hard again, and you were groping her ass. "You should have seen him curl his toes when I was jerking him off with my tits, he almost melted!"

"Shuhua, just shut up for the love of god," you gasped, as your girlfriend slurped quick pumps on your already hard cock.

"Make me, you dummy!" she challenged you, staring you in the eyes.

Knowing you were more than happy to take on that challenge, Soyeon pulled you out of her mouth and moved back onto her knees. You jumped to your feet, and stood behind Shuhua to grab her under the armpits and force her to her feet, then gave her a push so she fell face down onto the bed, making her ass and thighs jiggle. Like a hungry predator you climbed onto the bed and straddled her, knees on either side of her hips to push her panties aside, grabbing your cock and pressing it against her wet pussy.

“Oh god!” Shuhua moaned, your cock making its way slowly and smoothly inside her. You moaned too at how warm she felt inside. “Finally you do something, you slow fucker!”

“Oh trust me, I’m anything but a slow fucker,” you panted, resting your entire length inside her silky, warm pussy. You moved your knees back a little, so you could lean forward and rest your fists on the mattress on either side of her torso before you began moving at a hard, slow pace from the start.

“And what do you call that, idiot?” Shuhua asked between small moans, looking up at you as you took every inch in and out of her. “You’re going slow as a fucking caterpillar, fuck me hard!”

You chuckled, and brought a hand to the back of her neck to press her down and hold her still.

“I was just letting you get used to the size, but I see you deserve no consideration, slut,” you tightened your fingers on the back of her neck, now increasing the speed a couple of gears and railing her against the mattress, which dipped with each thrust.

Shuhua dropped the attitude and happily whimpered at your cock. Soyeon laid down in front of her, propped up on one elbow. She had her phone in her hand.

“You wanted me to see you being a whore so bad, didn’t you?” Soyeon asked, grabbing Shuhua by the chin to give her a few lazy sloppy kisses. “Well, now everyone will.”

Your girlfriend then grabbed her phone and started taking pictures, some with the flash on. She also recorded a couple of short videos, and you knew she was sending everything to the group chat you and the girls had because you could hear the notifications on your phone.

“I-I don’t care,” Shuhua moaned. “Show those whores how he’s fucking me harder than him fucking them.”

In order to get her to shut up again you pushed her face into the mattress with your hand on her head, the other hand placed on her waist as you hammered her pussy up and down. Soyeon was lying on her side, watching intently as she fingered herself and let out small moans.

Shuhua groaned into the mattress, clutching at the increasingly wrinkled sheets. You got the feeling she was having too much fun getting her way, so you opted for a little punishment.

“Ugh what the fuck are you doing?!” Shuhua whined as you pulled out from inside her.

You grabbed her by the shoulders and made her kneel up with her legs together.

“Reminding you that you’re not the one in charge,” you said into her ear, wrapping your left arm around her belly to bring your cock between her soft, fleshy thighs.

"You're a fucking pervert," Shuhua hissed, squeezing her thighs on either side of your cock, which rubbed against her pussy on top. "A stupid, insufferable pervert."

"Whatever you say, whore," you said into her ear, and as you slowly pumped your hips back and forth, you played with her pretty pierced nipples.

That woman's thighs felt overwhelmingly good, even better than you imagined. Your slick cock slowly slid between them, making you feel between two soft, plush-filled pillows. Her nipples also felt amazing under your fingertips; you pinched them, rubbed them gently, and squeezed her tits. Shuhua just moaned, one hand reaching back to grab the back of your neck and the other on your left wrist.

"What's wrong, were you looking for a break because you're a precocious bastard and you were about to cum?" Shuhua asked in your ear, her head resting on your shoulder.

You snorted and gritted your teeth, feeling your patience slowly running out. If there was one thing you should give that girl credit for, it was her ability to get on everyone's nerves, and with that she had managed to make one of your internal circuits overheat until it exploded.

"Alright bitch, let's see if you're ready to not feel pussy tomorrow," you growled in her ear, and pushed her down onto her hands and knees to get back inside her.

Having Shuhua face to face again Soyeon kissed her, swirling their tongues together as she rubbed her clit. Shuhua brought a hand between Soyeon's legs to put two of her fingers inside and pump her wrist as fast as she could. You had your hands on her waist, fucking her hard and merciless again.

Shuhua's pale, creamy skin was begging for a little color, so you, a little carried away by the anger of the moment, let loose a non-stop spank on her buttocks that lit both cheeks red hot, making Shuhua scream in pleasure. And to top it off, as if that wasn't enough for you, you grabbed a handful of her brown hair and pulled on it, watching as you made her ass jiggle with your thrusts.

"Oh, you're not very talkative now huh?" Soyeon asked between moans, being fingered by Shuhua. "Come on bitch, dare to say something else!"

Shuhua really tried to do it, but you were pounding her so hard and fast that the words got stuck in her throat. As the seconds passed, she stopped trying for good, and buried her face in the sheets the moment she came.

"Ah yeah! That's why you couldn't talk, you slut," Soyeon smirked, pressing her tongue to the inside of her cheek. "I guess you can't say where you want him to cum either, can you?"

"INSIDE ME!" Shuhua screamed, still shaking. "Inside me or I'll beat the shit out of you both!"

So be it, then. Just what you wanted.

You pressed the side of Shuhua's face into the mattress, your other hand on her lower back. Shuhua, overstimulated at this point, whimpered like crazy until you exploded with a hard thrust and a grunt.

"Mmmh fuck!" you groaned, filling every inch of Shuhua's warm pussy with your load. You let go of her hair and dropped down on top of her, pressing your chest against her back and grabbing her neck as you pumped slowly. "You like that, slut?"

"Oh I love it," Shuhua nodded with a sigh, turning her face to kiss you. "But it's the least I fucking deserve for being the last one."

"Come on, are you going to cry about it?" you teased, and pulled your cock out of her. "I thought you were tougher than that, but I see you're just a whiny whore."

"Hey! And you're a son of a...!" Shuhua trailed off, as Soyeon had grabbed her hips and flipped her onto her back to spread her legs and eat her cum-filled pussy.

You leaned over to Shuhua and kissed her again, then pulled away a few seconds later and trailed kisses down her neck, collarbone, shoulders, and finally down to her tits. Her nipples were your immediate appetizer, first the left one and then the right. You sucked and licked them both, delighting in the mix of soft flesh and the cold metal of the piercings. When you felt ready to continue and had already spent a few long seconds sucking on her tits, you knelt up next to her face and grabbed your cock to put your balls in her mouth while you slowly jerked yourself off.

After having cleaned the cum from Shuhua's pussy, Soyeon didn't stop and continued eating and fingering her, on her hands and knees with a perfect back bend that made her ass look like a work of art. Shuhua sucked your balls without complaint, and when you were hard you took your cock inside her mouth for her to suck on for a little while.

Shuhua was amazing at sucking cock, but your girlfriend's ass looked too inviting for you at the moment, so you pulled out of Shuhua's mouth and went behind Soyeon to put your slobbering cock between her ass cheeks. Feeling it, she lightly shook her ass and moved back and forth to rub your shaft against it. You let her do that for a few seconds, until you got impatient and entered her.

"Mmmgh," Soyeon moaned, and looked over her shoulder at you as you took the full length of your cock inside her tight pussy. "Baby, make sure you send a picture of this to the girls."

Soyeon's phone was the closest, so you reached out an arm to pick it up, unlock it with your fingerprint, and snapped a couple of photos with your cock buried deep inside your girlfriend's pussy. After sending them, you tossed the phone aside and grabbed Soyeon by her small waist to start pounding her pussy.

Shuhua locked gazes with you, her thighs wrapped around Soyeon's head as she massaged her tits and pinched her nipples. The blush on her cheeks, easily noticeable due to how pale her skin was, was adorable as she moaned and tugged at Soyeon's hair. You weren't going to tell her for fear of dying, but she looked like a very cute cartoon tomato.

As the seconds passed, you went harder on Soyeon, clinging to her ass just the way she loved it and pounding hard. However, thanks to your girlfriend's skill with her tongue and fingers, the first to cum was Shuhua. She squealed and squeezed Soyeon's head between her thighs, but your girlfriend didn't stop, instead going faster.

"Unnie!! Stop!!" Shuhua squealed, arching her back in desperation. "Unnie!! Oh god, god!! FUCK!!!"

Shuhua exploded again, this time with the small surprise of covering Soyeon's entire face with a jet of squirt that forced her to turn her face away. You slowed down, and exchanged incredulous glances with your girlfriend, since neither of you expected—you should have—that she could squirt.

Soyeon moved away from between Shuhua's thighs and made her move to the side to look at you over her shoulder, signaling for you to continue. You first grabbed a handful of her long black hair, making it into a ponytail that served as a handle for the next couple of minutes in which you pounded your girlfriend's pussy until she came.

"Oh my fucking god yes baby!!" Soyeon moaned, gripping the sheets, fucking herself against your cock between spasms. You gave a couple of light spanks to her buttocks, and let go of her hair so she could move at ease.

As her orgasm wore off, Soyeon knelt up and turned around to kiss you, one arm around your neck and her hand moving slowly over your cock. Seconds later she pulled away to look at Shuhua.

"Come here, slut," your girlfriend told her. "We have a cock to suck."

Soyeon got on her hands and knees again, but this time with your cock in front of her face. Shuhua didn't hesitate to join in, in the same position as Soyeon, both of them propped up on their elbows and with their backs arched to make their asses stand out.

Soyeon was the first to take you into her mouth, cleaning your shaft of her own fluids with her gaze fixed on you. Shuhua could only stare at your cock, and gladly accepted it into her mouth when it was her turn. Soyeon then sucked on your balls, and licked the underside of your shaft while Shuhua gave you a messy, sloppy blowjob. The command wasn't implied, but you still grabbed Soyeon's phone again and took a picture and video to send to the group chat.

"Alright come ride me cutie," you told Soyeon with a caress to her chin, then looked at Shuhua. "And you're gonna sit on my face."

"I'll do whatever I want, moron," Shuhua replied, in a teasing tone that made you snort and give her a quick slap that put some of her hair in her face. That only made her moan, "Oh yeah do that again, and then I might do what you say," you did so, another slap on the same cheek that made her bite her lip and smile. "Alright, lay down."

"What it takes to make you do a damn basic thing," Soyeon chuckled, as you laid on your back.

Soyeon straddled you and quickly impaled herself back on your cock. Shuhua also climbed on top of you, but instead of your cock, her seat was your whole face.

Needless to say, but even at that moment you didn't feel worthy of having such a piece of ass pressed against your face, and you didn't think you ever would, because to be honest it felt like something only the most worthy could even hope for. Not even her sweet tasting pussy and silky folds, which you licked and kissed, resembled something mere mortals could have. It was just fucking perfection.

And without going any further, your girlfriend's pussy was off the charts, suffocatingly tight and delicious as always. She moved up and down with her hands on your chest, making out with Shuhua while you feasted on her pussy and played with her ass cheeks. Soyeon gradually went faster, and Shuhua moved her hips back to grind against your mouth and nose. Both of them muffled moans against each other's lips, but the loudest was Shuhua; she came not long after.

"Fuckkk!!" Shuhua whimpered, writhing on your face with her nails digging into your chest. "His mouth feels as good as his fucking cock!!"

"I know right?" Soyeon moaned, grinding her hips on your cock in that motion that must have felt amazing to her. "I hit the fucking jackpot with him. But remember he's all fucking mine and he's only on loan, bitch."

"Whatever you say, old lady," Shuhua stuck her tongue out at her.

Shuhua climbed off your face and sat down beside you. You licked her juices from your lips, and were finally able to breathe normally. Soyeon then turned her back to you, feet planted on the bed and hands on your chest as she jumped on top of you in a reverse cowgirl position. Shuhua went in front of her, sitting on top of your thigh.

"Oh lord," Shuhua said with a gasp, and brought a hand to Soyeon's abdomen. "The way he makes your belly bulge is so hot, unnie."

"Do you want to see it bulge even more?" you asked rhetorically, not waiting for her to respond before grabbing Soyeon by the thighs and pulling them towards you, holding them behind her knees with your arms. She planted her hands on either side of your waist, and you planted your feet on the mattress to pound your girlfriend's pussy in her favorite position.

"Fuck, so hot," Shuhua sighed, and you watched as she leaned forward to lick Soyeon's pussy, who screamed in pleasure. "I could watch that sexy belly bulge all damn day."

Shuhua and you took it upon yourself to drive Soyeon down the path of absolute madness. You pumped the entirety of your cock in and out of her petite body, your iron grip on her legs not wavering for a moment. Shuhua licked, spit, and sucked back at Soyeon's clit, hands on her thighs.

"Fuck yes yes yes!!" Soyeon squealed, dropping her head back and leaving her shiny black hair all over your face. She was now holding onto your wrists. "Don't stop, don't stop!!"

The truth is that you weren't that far from your climax. Whenever you fucked Soyeon in that position all your switches went off and your senses were heightened beyond your control. So the moment your girlfriend exploded around your cock, you did it with her.

"Oh fuck yeah fill me up, baby!" Soyeon moaned, falling back to find your lips and kiss them, while she shook on top of you and you left your load inside her pussy. "I'm never going to get tired of this, oh god."

The two of you made out for a few more seconds until you pulled out of her. Shuhua immediately caught your cock with her lips and sucked it up and down, searching for every drop of cum left in you. Then she focused on Soyeon's pussy, to collect with her tongue the small waterfall of white liquid that was leaking between her folds.

"Mmm, tasty tasty," Shuhua sighed, eating up every trace of your cum before looking at you. "Hey, donkey, you still have something for me, don't you?"

"Let's find out," you said, and after giving her a peck on the cheek, you pushed Soyeon off of you to go to Shuhua.

You grabbed her face roughly, and made her kneel up to crash your lips against hers. Her hands went to your shoulders, and you brought one of yours between her legs to play with her pussy for a bit, rubbing between her folds before bringing two fingers inside her. Shuhua moaned and bit your lip, now adding her tongue into the kiss. One of her hands then went to your still sensitive cock, to slowly rub it with her palm. It took a few long seconds for your erection to come back to life, but as it did you fell into a mutual masturbation session with each other.

"How have you been having fun so far?" Shuhua asked against your lips, and looked into your eyes, stroking your cock at a steady pace. "As good as in your imagination when you saw me perform?"

"Almost as good," you nodded with a sly smile, pumping your fingers in and out of her. "But you're still not over the imaginary Shuhua."

Her face twisted into a scowl that denoted the urge to murder you. Perfect.

"Hey! What the fuck do you mean by that?!" she yelled just millimeters from your lips. "You fucking-"

Before she could insult you, you wrapped your left arm around her waist and laid her down on her back. She tried to get her hands on you, but you made good use of your strength to grab her wrists and hold them above her head.

“Let me go!” Shuhua yelled, struggling to free herself from your hold, but you had her wrists pinned tightly against the mattress. “I’m going to kick your ass!”

“Shut your mouth, whore,” you said, and without a second thought you spat into her mouth. Shuhua moaned and stopped struggling, now spreading her legs. “Ah, you like that don’t you?”

“I don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about, asshole,” she snapped back, raising her hips to rub her pussy against your cock.

“Oh no?” you raised an eyebrow, and spat again into her parted mouth. She moaned louder, licking your saliva from between her lips. "You're such a fucking slut."

"Yes I fucking am," she growled. "So what?"

You brought her wrists together above her head so you could hold them together with one hand, and with your free hand, you gave her a spicy, dry slap on the right cheek. Shuhua groaned in pleasure and arched her back as her skin turned bright red.

"Tell me what you want, slut," you demanded through gritted teeth, grabbing her chin firmly.

"You know what I want, idiot," Shuhua replied, breathing heavily. "I don't know why you need to-"

You cut her off with another slap that sent her hair into her face, strands sticking to it from the sweat. She bit her lip and moaned louder.

"What do you want, you fucking bitch?!" you asked again, now grabbing her hair to pull her head back. "You're just making it harder for yourself by being a fucking brat."

"I want you to fuck me goddammit!" she squealed desperately, twisting her hips in search of you penetrating her.

You reaffirmed your fingers in her hair and made sure to pull straight from her scalp to shake her.

"What do you want?!" you insisted. "You and I both know the fucking answer!"

"BREED ME, MOTHERFUCKER!!" Shuhua finally screamed. "BE THE FUCKING MAN YOU CLAIM TO BE, TAME ME AND BREED ME!!"

You smirked, and finally let go of her wrists to grab her thighs and penetrate her fully. Shuhua sighed in relief, her arms in the same position you had left them in a second ago.

"See it wasn't that hard?" you asked with your hands on her waist, beginning to move your hips back and forth. "I don't know why you have to make everything so complicated with your tantrums."

Shuhua couldn't answer you anymore. She had tears in her eyes, disheveled, sweaty, soaked in your saliva and with one side of her face red from the slaps. It was clear that you had managed to calm her insufferable bitch attitude.

You started thrusting quickly, but you varied the position of your hands every few seconds. Now you were on her tits, massaging them between your fingers and playing with her cute nipples. Seconds later, when you were already going harder and were making the bed shake, you moved a hand up to her neck to wrap your fingers around it. Shuhua grabbed your wrist with both hands, with her eyes closed and her eyebrows arched until she came.

She tried to scream in pleasure, but your grip on her neck didn't allow it. Another slap fell on her face, now on the opposite side, causing her tears to run down her cheeks and spread.

"You're a submissive and obedient little whore now huh?" you raised an eyebrow, squeezing her neck tightly. "Come on, say something!"

You let go of her neck for her to do so, but it was only false hope for her, as at the same moment you grabbed her thighs and pulled them all the way back, holding them behind her knees with your arms to let yourself fall forward and pin her under you in a matting press position, with your thighs over her ass.

You now hammered her pussy up and down, seeing up close how much of a mess she was in tears and sweat.

"You want me to put a baby inside you so, so bad huh?" you asked between gasps. "You want it too fucking bad."

Shuhua looked into your eyes and could only nod weakly, so you went harder and harder, making the mattress sink beneath you and the bed creak. She came once more, but that didn't slow you down, not until you felt your orgasm just around the corner and with a loud grunt, you thrusted down the moment you came inside her.

"Oh god!!" you clenched your jaw, leaving every drop of hot cum buried deep inside Shuhua's warm pussy. "Oh yeah take all my fucking seed you whore..."

Shuhua couldn't do anything but look at you with watery eyes and a look of pure ecstasy. She ran a couple of fingers down your face, making you suck two of them and then leaving both hands on your shoulders.

“So warm…” she sighed in a small breath. “I feel so fucking full… thanks honey.”

That last sentence sounded unlike her, and you didn’t bother to hide your confusion about it.

“Are you okay?” you asked. “Did I fuck you so hard you caught a fever?”

“I’m just thanking you, asshole,” Shuhua replied softly. “Don’t complain when I turn into a bitch again.”

“Nah, fair enough,” you smirked, and let go of her thighs to slide out of her and kneel up. Not a single trace of your cum had left her; you’d left it all inside.

You fell onto your back, right next to Soyeon, who draped an arm over your chest to hug you. You picked her up with one arm and settled with her on a pillow.

“I guess it was worth the silent treatment on you, huh?” Soyeon asked with a weak giggle, curled up against the side of your body.

“Every damn second,” you replied, wrapping an arm around her.

Shuhua then quite literally crawled towards you, finally crashing face-first into the mattress when she reached your side and putting an arm over your chest to hug you. Not having the energy to arrange herself in a normal sleeping position, understood.

“I guess I don’t need to remind you that you’ll have to go out first damn hour to buy the pill, right?” Soyeon asked.

“He’ll go by himself,” Shuhua muffled against the mattress, more asleep than awake. “I’ll just stay asleep and take the damn pill when he brings it to me.”

You sighed and closed your eyes.

“As you say, your majesty,” you said.

"As you say, your majesty," she mimicked you in a stupid voice, and you heard her giggle once more before falling asleep.

———————————-

Spren Notes: Well, who wanted to see Shuhua written by me? Because here it is, and I hope you enjoyed it 🗣️ MASTERLIST HERE! THANKS FOR READING!

#idle smut #g idle smut #shuhua smut #soyeon smut #kpop smut #smut fanfic #x male smut #male reader smut #x male reader smut #fanfic smut

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stray-cat-with-internet-access · 7 months ago

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Peach Cake

Jackson!Joel Miller x Reader Tags: fluff, heavy age gap (implied), Jackson era, no proofread, english is not my first language (bare with me please) WC: 779

Joel is smitten by you but he´s socially akward so he´s decided to act like a raccoon

Two weeks.

It has been two weeks since one of Jackson's patrols rescued you from raiders outside the town. They were kind enough to bring your ragged form back with them, a safe place amidst the chaos that is life now.

If you are honest with yourself, it is hard for you to survive out there. With no special skills or enough strength, it feels almost wrong to have a roof over your head, a hot meal in your belly and dozens of pairs of hands ready to help when you need it.

Still shy and with bruises to heal, you have decided to spend most of your time in your new home, recovering at your own pace.

Getting up early to catch the fall breeze, you open your front door when a soft thud in the wood makes you frown.

A tote bag lay on the floor of your porch, some of its contents peeking out.

Looking around, you crouched to check it out and find a small pouch of ground coffee, flour, and what brings a smile to your face, two cans of peaches.

They look old and battered, but well sealed. This is a luxury these days, and you wonder who decided to give you such a treasure.

Smiling, you look around before taking the bag inside and closing the door behind you.

The third time it happens you are already on alert, scrambling out of bed at the faint sound of footsteps at your front door.

Still in your sleep shorts and a shirt when you opened the door in a rush, you caught him like a deer in headlights.

Crouching down, rifle on his shoulder and a small bag of homemade soap in his hand, he stares back at you before rising and clearing his throat.

Joel Miller, one of the men that personally took out half of the raiders to get you to safety.

“´Morning. Got you these” He extends the bag towards you, eyes darting everywhere but your face. Is too early, so he definitively detouring to your place before patrolling.

“Thank you. Why are you…?”

“Just stuff we found, though you’ll need it” He cuts you off, glancing at his brother who is waiting for him near the stables. He nods at you as a goodbye and starts to descend the steps to get going when you call out to him.

“Would you stop by later?”

You have him knocking at your door that afternoon. With his broad shoulders and sunkissed skin covered by a flannel he shifts his weight on what you presume is his good leg when you greet him with a smile. He looks a bit tired and faded dirt covers his boots and part of his jeans.

“Sorry for making you come. I´ll be quick to let you go rest, but I made you something”

He follows you inside. He looks a bit uncomfortable inside your home but the moment you place a cup of coffee on the kitchen table in front of him a smirk breaks on his face.

“You didn´t have to” he eagerly come closer to grab the cup and takes a sip, and you use that distraction to fetch your main surprise.

A small plate with a floral cloth is carefully placed on the table and on top of it is a simple brown cake with peach slices. You can still even see a bit of steam coming from it.

“It’s been a while since the last time I baked something, so I hope it’s good”

“This´ for me?” His features softened at the sight of the cake, making you blush for some reason.

“Well, for us, I kept a few pieces if you don’t mind” You laughed, drying your hands in your jeans. “As a thank you for bringing me stuff”

He chuckled as he grabs a piece, taking a bite and letting out a hum of approval.

“Damn, forgot what cake tasted like” He sits across from you, and you feel proud that he finally felt confident enough to take a seat with you.

The fact that you made this gruff rugged man melt with something so simple makes you feel warm inside. What if…?

“I know that patrol days are hard Mr. Miller, you can always drop by to grab a bite if you want, it´s only me after all and I think is fair you get to enjoy the stuff you find”

He smiles at your words, crow feet adorning the corner of his eyes, and shakes his head with amusement, before meeting your gaze.

“Maybe. But don´t call me that”

“Okay, maybe then, Joel”

dividers are from @saradika-graphics

#joel miller #joel miller x reader #pedro pascal #tlou #tlou2 #joel miller fluff #the last of us #joel miller x you

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vesperaominosum · 3 months ago

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Second reason (pt. II)

Summary : You take a week off your new job, amidst admiring the life you've built after leaving the secret service. Part 2 of Second reason that no one asked for. Few years later.

Pairing : RE4 Leon! × Fem Reader

Tags : (sighs) angst, unreliable narrator, hurt/comfort, slight smut, moderate strong language, OCD descriptions, PTSD, disordered eating, animal death (mention), depression, alcoholism, fertility issues, paranoia, stalking, dub-con (if you squint real hard), family planning, emotional cheating.

Word count: 20.3k

A/N: This is just something that crawled out of me for no reason at all, I kept getting those random questions about the story in my head and wrote some answers down.

Special thanks to @writingwisterias for encouraging this, @purplerosebouquet for the original request. @coeurbrule, @badwer @marymustdie, @cheesywedgy for motivation and everyone who liked the first part, it means A LOT actually.

Zero point two meters, zero point one meter, zero point one meter, zero point one meter, stop- stop- stop- stop- stop-

Road rage was not something you exhibited often, but when it happened, it was mostly caused by your own inability to park. Or as you liked to convince yourself, the inability to park of others. Maybe if people were a little more considerate, you would have zero problems getting into the spot, but since every other driver assumed their Nissan deserved two parking spaces instead of one, you had to go an extra mile (sometimes literally) just to get out of the vehicle and go on with your day.

With your evening, in this case. But it was an important evening, nothing extravagant, but your boyfriend was about to leave for a long work trip in the morning and wanted you to spend a night at his place. He’d be waking up earlier than you, so you couldn’t block his driveway with your car and had to park nearby, which was a problem. You were used to dropping your car off by your apartment complex where you had a designated spot just for you, that didn’t block anything for anyone because it was designed this way. This is how things were supposed to be, designed to be easier.

You killed the engine and let out a frustrated huff through your nose. You had a perfectly good day, nothing got in the way of your routine, but you kept noticing a collection of small irritating details getting bigger and bigger on the top shelf of your mind. It started with your morning coffee leaving an aftertaste akin to sewer water, continued throughout the day with your pens not cooperating and a damn flash card taking too long to load your presentation, which caused you to stand in front of students (who were not much younger than you, so the pressure to be at least presentable was high), then your heel bent weirdly at one point, the sensation of unsteadiness that lasted a second, caused you to feel…, well, unsteady, for the rest of the day. On top of it all you met an annoying colleague in the hallway at work, right when another colleague, who did not like the one you were talking to, was walking by and saw it; now she will assume you were the one who fed that guy information that cost her a position at the department, when all that pest wanted to chat about was the cafeteria changing the type of chocolate they put in their cookies. You were not friendly enough with the girl you now had to win back at your side, so it was vexing. And the damn parking. You almost forgot about how you had to prove to the café manager that Riley was a service animal at noon, and while it wasn’t a big deal, it surely added to the pile.

Riley was patiently waiting for you to finish actively hating on everything under the sun so you could go out and meet your boyfriend with a smile on your face and an easy-going attitude that he deserved to witness before departing. Your boyfriend, your fiancé, it was complicated.

You rubbed small circles above your eyebrows and got out of the car, Riley happily following you down the suburban street. So much space everywhere, yet you couldn’t park anywhere because it just wasn’t allowed and it wasn’t how it was done. The gates made no sound as you opened them, you sent Riley to play in the yard with a quick command and entered the house with a spare key you rarely used, but since you were late as it was, you didn’t think to wait longer.

You greeted your boyfriend with a small kiss, falling into his toned arms, smiling at his dissatisfied noises as he kissed you more. The dinner that he had prepared went cold, but it was destined to regardless of your tardiness, since your greeting kiss would’ve led you to the bedroom in every possible scenario.

You only remembered the dinner, as you were drying your hair with a towel sitting on top of a large soft bed, hunger crawling its way into your stomach after a very passionate welcome. It seemed to be the case with him as well, but, perhaps, a hunger of a different kind.

“Don’t!” – you smiled and shifted away, he matched the smile and began to pull you in with one hand, tugging the robe with another, kissing the bared shoulder, “I’m so serious, Jim, I have an expensive lotion on.”

“I’ll buy you more” – he kept placing kisses all over your shoulder, moving to the collarbones, - “You smell so good”.

“It’s the lotion,” – you tried your best to keep your smile from growing bigger, - “it’s expensive.”

He laughed into your neck, - “You sure? Let me check,” – his lips sucking in sensitive skin, awaking the arousal, hands disrobing you to get a hold of your chest, pinching a nipple with just enough pressure to make sure you won’t be falling asleep without another round, - “Yeah, seems expensive.” – he affirmed, voice hoarse behind the humor.

After the second shower, you both sat in the kitchen, eating cold dinner with your hands.

“This is good,” – you put a slice of something that looked like a sweet potato covered in sauce in your mouth, closing your eyes as you tasted different spices. You still didn’t get accustomed to his vegan cooking, but hunger made everything enjoyable; there was a possibility it was actually good for a change.

“As long as you keep in mind that it was better hot,” – Jim said, - “I will take this compliment.”

You let yourself melt into the relaxing atmosphere. It was rare you got to do something like this, both busy at work, and when you weren’t you had a million arrands to run. Today though, even the thought of your little date stealing precious time from your sleep didn’t disturb the tranquility.

The upcoming week promised to be turbulent at best. Jim would be gone, attending some conference he was sent to, you had to drive Riley to the vet and leave her there for a few days, since she needed a checkup and you had to finish renovating your apartment before selling it, all the chemicals not safe for a dog. Jim kindly proposed that you could stay at his place and renovate later, get a week off work and deal with the apartment during the day, coming back to his place in the evening. But you knew he didn’t like the idea of Riley being inside the house, you had to make him comfortable with the reality of living with a dog when he was present, so there won’t be any resentment down the line; generally speaking, it was a nice offer, but it wouldn’t change much, it would just complicate everything.

You’ll get a week off, may be more, leave Riley at the vet clinic, work on the apartment in peace and when he comes back, you won’t have to burden him with your problems.

The sun was softly pressuring your eyes to give in and open, gradually shinning brighter and brighter, light muffled by see-through curtains. You woke up alone, your boyfriend already departed, his red car nowhere to be seen along with the suit he prepared for the conference. It felt strange being in his house without him. Something you’ll have to get used to since you’ll be moving in together soon.

Weekends were the worst, because they disrupted a routine. It’s harder in a new environment, ‘It’s going to be harder without Riley’ – you thought to yourself, rubbing your eyebrows. Overnight moisturizer grinding into little pellets; the sensation gave you something to focus on without letting too much thoughts in too early in the day.

You were ready for this. It’s been three years since you started therapy (EMDR worked wonders). Ready to spend time alone without Riley, ready to move out and move in, ready for a new day. Your anxiety about it was the biggest saboteur, since you never had issues when you weren’t deeply aware of the impending doom. But acknowledging it alone didn’t help. You had to be cautious, but not too cautious, not so you start listening to every sound your ears could pick up.

Jim had a very clean looking kitchen that was always messy for some vegan reason. It was always something scattered around, some peas in the corners of every surface, little rice grains, grey looking powder. He always mentioned how it’s dry thus not a big deal and that when you actually cook your food with multiple ingredients it’s bound to happen. It truly wasn’t a big deal, cleaning it up was peaceful in a way. He also preferred ‘real tea’ so he boiled water in one of those steel kettles on a gas stove. It made an alarming whistling sound when water came to a boil, so you put up the whistling part. That wasn’t a sound you’d like to hear.

The truth was, it wasn’t just Riley and Jim’s conference trip that set you off to be this aware of your surroundings. You dealt just fine with small changes in the routine and different environments, despite what your therapist suggested, it even helped to feel more in control.

Big changes are what irked you the most. First time it happened two years ago, when you decided to quit working at the rehabilitation center and applied to the university, not the best position but you needed the minimum of three years of experience on top of your degree to submit your thesis. And you haven’t even started working on figuring out what your project was going to be about. Imposter syndrome did not help one bit. It would take years to work on, write, apply and submit. If you wanted a PhD by late thirties, you had to get yourself together now. So, there was no time to waste working at the center, even though the job was rewarding, you liked helping people you could relate to, your own triggers kept you from getting too involved, which was necessary.

Besides everything, sheltering yourself was not the best strategy, so you quit. Getting used to a new job was somewhat challenging, but you got through it. This time the big change creeped in slowly: your boyfriend decided to propose.

Well, it wasn’t a big gesture, and according to him wouldn’t change much. You met at the rehabilitation center where you worked before quitting. He was a physiotherapist, seven years older than you, a good family, patient when it came to people, strong hands, thick dark hair. Asked you out on the spot, you hesitated, but figured you needed a distraction from a harsh breakup anyway. Well, the breakup wasn’t harsh, but you had a hard time dealing with consequences.

Jim was patient with you and soon you found yourself in a symbiotic relationship, he was always there when you needed to discuss something, he wasn’t possessive and gave you space. So, he understood when you hesitated accepting his proposal. You were still in your twenties; you were comfortable with the relationship that you had. But his family was pressuring him, and he told you that it didn’t mean that you had to get married. A shut-up-ring but for his family, as you joked. It made sense; he was in his thirties with a demanding job. His final argument broke through your defense – “Do you consider leaving?”. You did not. Then why does it matter, since marriage was a goal eventually anyway. Not now, but eventually. This is what the proposal was, just an ‘eventually’. The ‘we’ll get married down the line, someday’ message to his family, to everyone.

It started to dawn on you that you were the last to get that message. At first you didn’t pay it any mind, everything stayed the same; you didn’t even wear the ring. But soon you noticed your thoughts circle back to the idea every time you noticed something that stood out.

You kept thinking ‘I’ll have to live with this forever’ every time you saw the mess in his kitchen. ‘This is going to be about our kitchen.’ Someday. That ‘someday’ was the real reason for your anxiety. You thought about raising kids with him, would he insist on them being vegan? He never cared about your eating habits, offered to try his food, different alternatives every once in a while, but nothing extreme. But it would be different with kids. You weren’t proud of your thoughts, but a habit of scaring yourself in preparation for the worst remained your most trusted ally.

You thought about kids before, just after you got away from the secret service slavery. Sitting at the doctor’s office; you recall the regret of having a memory from high school of the day you first learned that you lost your period from intense exercise. Back then it made you feel better about yourself. You found some twisted pride in knowing that your student athlete career (that landed you a spot at the university) closed the door for a quiet life. Like the universe accepted your choice to never have a proper family. The consequences only revealed themselves later in life. You felt cheated.

It wasn’t like you wanted kids at the time as well, but sometimes you caught yourself wondering. So, you followed every recommendation like the most obedient soldier; took all the pills, strict dietary plans, check-ups. There was so much comfort in gaining the possibility back, like the universe leading you back to that hallway, full of doors to open. It wasn’t about kids, it was about having a choice, having a future you can still bend.

That fixation faded once your ex walked out on you. Or once you threw him out. Depends on how you wanted to view the story in the moment of reminiscing. But it didn’t matter, because you were not reminiscing. What mattered is that you got out of the frenzy and the subject of having kids never entered your mind again.

The subject of having kids never entered your mind when you got together with Jim, you did not think of it throughout your relationship. Mainly because it was too early. But now when you were technically engaged under the premise of agreeing that you did not want to break up in the future anyway, that meant that any kids you will have will be with him. Makes sense? And that was not something you were prepared to even think about.

It wasn’t that he wasn’t a good candidate, but God, even thinking about him as a candidate was weird. Thinking of anyone as a ‘candidate’ was weird. It was weird thinking about kids. You felt like a teenager who was harassed by older relatives at the family function. But those older relatives were your own thoughts, and you were not a teenager anymore, despite feeling like one sometimes.

Jim was nice, attractive and healthy. Good hairline, straight teeth, amazing personality, stable job, big family. Built a perfect relationship to set an example. You just needed time to grow comfortable with that thought. Reality was a bit more complicated than him being decent as an individual, unfortunately. Would he insist on his family being involved in the lives of your children? The mere idea of that was suffocating; it’s not that you disliked them, but you were not comfortable with handling relationships with someone outside of the people you picked. And you did not pick them. His family liked you. You suspected they were having their issues with you, but no one is perfect and no one is going to like everything about you anyway.

When he told his parents that you were engaged, they looked happy. Later you overheard him talking about you to his mother, Jim said that he’s glad she’s happy because you’re truly the best girl, and she agreed, said “She knows how to play the role”. That comment rubbed you the wrong way, but you knew she didn’t mean it like that. His mother disliked your past in the ‘military’, disliked how career oriented you were, and despite all of it, she accepted you. Refused to be mean from the start and gave you a chance. You were grateful for it. After all, she’s just a mother who wants the best for her child. You would want the best for your kids as well. Would you want them to have a life like this? Would you want them at all?

A strong smell pulled you out of these thoughts. Stinging metallic smell of burned plastic and copper, bitter. The damn kettle, you forgot that you put the whistling part up, and now all the water boiled out without a sound, leaving an empty metal kettle with a plastic handle heating up under direct fire. Burning up.

Wrapping the handle in the towel, you swiftly put soot covered metal in the sink. The sound and the smell making your heart race faster. You had to open the window to let the smoke out, the smell out, you needed to get out. You needed Riley. Had to go to the vet, stick to your plans. Immediately. Now.

Got dressed, got Riley, got in the car, got to the clinic, signed the papers, said goodbyes, back in the car, the smell isn’t gone. There’s no smell in the car, it’s in your head. The smell of the heated iron, the smell of bullet shells. Did iron smell like blood because of..., well, iron? Or was it just your brain dragging the nasty sweet-sour smell of blood out of your memory and tying it to the one of heated copper? Was it even copper? Fuck, you had to open your car windows. You immediately felt panic set in, car windows had to be closed. Why weren’t they closing fast enough? Open windows weren’t safe. Your windows weren’t even bulletproof anyway so it didn’t matter. You had a regular car. Because you were a regular person. You took deep breaths. You, a regular person, sat in your regular car, and took deep breaths. To calm down, because there was no point in panicking. Nothing would happen. Nothing bad was going to happen to you.

Riley was stressed leaving you in that state. Well, Riley didn’t leave you, you left Riley. Your poor girl didn’t have to stress about being a bad friend. It was all on you, you wished you had a way to let her know. But you had to stick to the plans, otherwise you’d lose it.

You were not coming back to Jim’s place. Did you take the kettle off the stove? Fuck, hopefully, you did, because you were not coming back. You did. You had to, you had a good reaction and you always did the right thing in the moment, the haziness usually kicked in after the fact. It wasn’t foolish to trust yourself with this. You did everything right, and you were going to your apartment to deal with the renovations.

The apartment used to feel like home before you decided to renovate and sell it. Even before any attempts to change how it looked, it just lost its magic the second you set your mind. Now it wasn’t hard to tear off wallpapers and throw out some old furniture. It was all easy now - and that wasn’t easy. It was scary how simple discarding something meaningful was to you. Like it didn’t hold any significance anymore. You noticed this trend some time ago.

It was the most annoying state of mind, when the silence unnerved you, made you listen to every little sound, but music made you anxious because of the idea that you might not hear something. What was it you waited to hear? It was ridiculous, there was nothing to look out for, no danger, yet you found yourself on the verge of another episode. First one in a long while. That wouldn’t work, you had to pick up Riley earlier. Rent a place. Renting a place won’t work - new environment - new corners to get used to, new furniture that casts new unfamiliar shadows that you mistake for movement. Jim had to be back. You would never tell him that.

You promised to yourself to never involve Jim in your problems, he was a part of the life where no problems of that caliber took place. Normal life. Peaceful life. Civil life. He didn’t deserve this, he worked with many veterans at the center, he had no business dealing with another one at home. You would never do this to him.

You liked Jim for not knowing what it’s like to chase shadows and gasp for air amid nightmares, you had a fair share of experience dating someone who knows. Someone who knows and understands that problem too damn well. Didn’t work out.

You were not ruining something good for a quick relief, some temporary comfort, a couple of nice words that won’t change a thing; you’d work on it yourself and give the best version to the person who gives you the best version. This is how things are supposed to be.

You learnt the hard way how important trying to be the best person for each other was. Watching your ex drive himself straight into fucking alcoholism, refusing help. It’s not always simple, but you could do your part. For now, your part was not bugging your boyfriend with your problems. Your boyfriend, your fiancé, fuck.

There was no way to give the ring back without it changing something fundamentally in the relationship, and changing something was not at all what you wanted. That was the main thing, you did not want to change anything. And he promised nothing would change, but things did change. For you, they did. It’s frustrating being mad when there’s no one to blame. You couldn’t even blame yourself. It made sense. What could you do? Tell him that you wanted to leave the door opened? Considered breaking up in the future? It wasn’t true. You did not want to break up. You just didn’t want this. Wasn’t ready for the thoughts of forever just yet. And he understood that, he promised it’s just a formality.

Besides Jim being great and your relationship being fulfilling, there was no way you’d ever put yourself through getting to know another person again. The idea of learning something new about someone new made you nauseous. Letting someone in? That wasn’t an option. You figured it never worked anyway. We all play our roles in the lives of others.

We play a role of a friend, a daughter, a co-worker, a girlfriend… A wife, a mother. “She knows how to play the role”. That was a complement. It took you a lot to get it right. Before that, you let people in. It was all a blur, a co-worker, a lover, a friend, a client even… You thought people could handle each other. That someone could accept all of you. Maybe it’s the case with kids, when you’re just experiencing the world and trying to see other people for what they are. Every corner of their mind sparks interest. But grown-ups had boundaries and roles. Roles and rules to adhere to.

It sounds bad, but it isn’t really. Couldn’t be. How could it be bad if it worked? You wouldn’t tell things you tell your friends to your kids. Same thing.

At least tomorrow you wouldn’t be alone, a couple of plumbers will be occupying the bathroom and you’ll feel the obligation to be social. Maybe you should call up your friends, fill up the rest of the week. You took the sleeping pills you haven’t touched in a while and closed your eyes, wishing for a better morning.

It was a shameful secret, but sometimes, despite your education, you believed you had some magic powers. If you wished for something hard enough, it happened just the way you wanted to. And your magic powers proved themselves right the next day, when Jim called you up and said that he’s coming back earlier. Didn’t even have to ask him.

Your mood through the roof; the ‘roof’ like the sound that Riley let out as soon as she smelled you coming in, her soft black fur in your face, wagging tail hitting your shins. That joyful little Labrador made everything better. Your friend, the guardian of your peace. Her vet annoyed at your inconsistence: you made a deal you’d leave Riley for longer and they didn’t finish whatever they had planned. They’d manage to do it all in a day, but since they assumed they had the time… It was okay, you’d bring her back later. Riley was a trained service dog, so she needed intense check-ups. Since she was given to from the special service K9 unit, they were extra strict with it. She was more than that to you, so you’d do it anyway. You’d do anything to keep her happy and healthy – a thought ran through your head as you ruffled her cute ears, black eyes staring at you in adoration.

You assumed the same look of adoration was on your face as you listened Jim talking for what seemed to be hours about the conference. Apparently, he got in an argument with someone and won. The argument was very public and he got noticed by some guy who wanted Jim to talk about the importance of physiotherapy and an active lifestyle for office workers at some event at his company.

“So, I will be needing lessons from you.” – he joked.

“Oh, I teach kids”

“They are teenagers. Young adults even”

“Well, that’s way worse!” – you were laughing, energized by his enthusiasm.

“Oh, you don’t like to teach them? Imagine how I feel,” – he hugged you and looked at your face, timing the kiss.

“And what’s that’s supposed to mean?” – you raised your eyebrows, understanding perfectly fine that he was, once again, teasing you about being younger.

“Well, I deal with you.” – the smile was warm in every muscle in his face, it was hard trying to keep up with the fake argument, so you just laughed and let him land that kiss he was hovering.

“I missed you, don’t leave me again.”

He pecked your pouted lips – “I won’t. Only for this event.”

“The event is out of town?” – you let the worry in your tone seep out, and bit your tongue.

“Yeah, this Tuesday. Just for three days. You could come?”

“What? Why three days? What are you going to do there for three days?” – you immediately hated the way you sounded, like a clingy paranoid housewife. It wasn’t that. You weren’t that.

“A day to fly in, the day of the event and a day to fly back.” – he’s sympathetic, - “You could come.” – swaying you around a little.

“I can’t, I have work.” Shit, why did it have to happen like that?

“Didn’t you take your days off?”

“Yeah, no…” – you took his arms off of you, trying to shake the stress off, - “I still have to deal with the load I took home… And my apartment… And Riley.”

“We could take Riley.”

“She has a vet in two days.” – you sighed as Jim hugged you again, kissing your temple.

“And when do you have a vet?”

He made an exaggerated pained sound as you elbowed him, smiling, - “Next month? I don’t know. I saw Clara recently; she didn’t see a point in meeting sooner.”

You assumed he was talking about her. He could’ve meant the doctor he put you on to, the one who removed scars with that laser, but you didn’t want to talk about that. You had a nasty scar on the side of your body, a deep stab wound. You didn’t mind it, but Jim assumed it triggered you somehow. Clara was your therapist, a skinny thin lady with condescending lips. You figured she pursed them in an understanding expression way too much so they turned into that shape with age. Made a mental note to never do that yourself.

“Well, as long as you’re going. Next month or whenever… How’s everything with the apartment?”

Now was his turn to listen to you rumble about how you dropped the curtain poll and other boring details.

You were truly happy that Jim got this event thing, sometimes he felt trapped at the center, working at the same building every day. It was good for him to get away, you just didn’t want to deal with him being away. It was your problem to deal with, not his. You wouldn’t make it his problem. You were better than that.

But the days grew shorter and shorter and soon you found yourself waking up alone. Jim bought a new kettle, didn’t even get mad that you ruined the old one. Told you that you could drop the curtain poll here as well and he wouldn’t care. It was comforting, but you still didn’t feel like he meant it. He meant it of course, but he didn’t know yet what he meant to mean. You couldn’t even dare bring Riley inside. She was running free in the backyard and stayed at the building you referred to as a ‘summer kitchen project’. It wasn’t a summer kitchen yet, but it wasn’t anything else as well. Maybe one day Jim will turn it into a little guest house. Or a proper kitchen. Maybe you will do it together.

The thought plagued your mind once more. And it was heavy. Why was it heavy? Everything was fine. It was too early to think about those things anyway. Why think of them? But was it too early? You said yes to a goddamn ring, it wasn’t just a pinky promise. His parents knew.

He wasn’t close to his parents. They turned him into an overachiever, expecting nothing but the best, and soon he figured out that the best was never enough. They always wanted him to do better. So, he distanced himself. You liked that about him, he set boundaries. He never disrespected them, but he didn’t let them in into his life, so they couldn’t affect it. He used to laugh at their assumption that they had a grip on him. He told them what they wanted to hear, and did as he pleased anyway. You noticed how it was changing as well. ‘She’s just my mother’ (with an eyeroll) started turning into ‘Well, she is my mother’. Were you about to walk into a trap?

It’s just you. And your trust issues. He never did anything to hurt you, never deceived you. All he did was being supportive, and even assured you he wasn’t leaving with a promise, a ring. And you were paying him back with doubts. Maybe his mother was right after all, he needed someone less turbulent.

But you were less turbulent. You grew to be so much less turbulent, you had to stick to a routine not to choke on another panic attack. It used to be much worse, you had to acknowledge your progress. That’s what Clara always raved about. All the work that you put in building this life, it paid off. Panic attacks weren’t the issue, it was this state of heightened anxiety that felt like a tunnel vision on everything at the same time. Your mind turned into this quiet buzzing, like something was about bout to happen and you had limited time to fix it. How much time? What would happen? What were you supposed to do? When will it end? Would it?

It was hard to see it sometimes, but the bigger picture was clear. You’d figure out the project you wanted to work on, you’d finish it. All while getting the required experience with your university job, write your thesis, defend it. Get your PhD title and your life would be over. Done, you meant. Your life would be complete. Complete, that’s the word.

And the rest will follow. Steadily, just like the life you were building: steady, peaceful, fulfilling.

You planned on taking Riley for the leftover tests only, but got told that they will need her to stay at the clinic, might need a transfer to the providing organization; found something worth ‘looking into’. They had that look in their eyes when they said “It’s nothing serious, we don’t think”, that look like they were just saying it, you knew that they were lying.

She was not your property when it came to documents, K9 trained for the secret services. They only let you have her when you promised to return to ‘work’. You didn’t. And now that something happened, they’d take her away. Was it your fault? Did she absorb too much poison from your emotional state?

You sat in your car, trying not to let any thoughts in. Everything you ever wish really hard for always happened, so you had to think really hard about the good things. “It truly is nothing serious.” It’s good that you do these check-ups. It’s probably something other pet owners wouldn’t even notice for years until it’s too late, but you had a privilege to detect it early, so everything was going to be okay. Had to be thankful.

Should you call Jim? You couldn’t. You wouldn’t disturb him before an event that’s very important to him. He probably will tell you that everything will be fine anyway. And you knew it. You could tell it to yourself all the same. There was no need.

Your throat dry, like your body sucked up all the moisture in order not to cry. You couldn’t cry. Crying would mean you’re dealing with something and you were not. Because Riley would be okay. For fucks sake, you were smart. Crying was just crying. A complex emotional and physiological response that serves a function, various functions even. You were overwhelmed, not fucking grieving. It’s things like this that made you feel inadequate about your expertise sometimes. You were smart when it came to other people and textbook cases, yet toyed with all this magical thinking when time came to process your own shit.

You let out a frustrated sigh and rubbed your eyebrows, not caring about the makeup. You wouldn’t ever care about anything anymore if something were to happen to Riley. Shut up.

Nothing would happen. You got Riley even before you officially quit your job at the secret service, during the hospital leave. She was with you through everything, the only one that saw the path you had to take to be okay again. As okay as you were.

No one else stuck around, it wasn’t like there were people to stuck around to begin with, but still… A job like this can be isolating, so isolating you resorted to dating your partner. You did not think about those times, nor him; Clara agreed it did no good. Triggered a lot of destructive thought patterns and got you out of the loop.

You never intended to date him, it just happened. You knew it wasn’t a good idea and didn’t care, so you got exactly the ending that was due. It was good at first, too good. You could sleep when he was around. Falling asleep next to him was easy, because that’s what you did during the missions. You knew that if he lets you sleep, it means it’s his turn to be awake, and he’d be watching out for anything and everything. It worked in many ways. Sometimes you’d wake up in cold sweat, alarmed by the memories punishing you in your nightmares and you would see him next to you, sleeping. And that meant you were home. Because he’d never sleep in any other situation, you could trust him with that. You felt safe enough with him, an important transitional period. It wouldn’t be right to go cold turkey on that part of your life, having a familiar face around made it easier.

But then you started seeing each other less. He got entangled in missions above your understanding, he never talked about those, never talked about any of them; it wasn’t right for you to hear it and well, it was classified. And every time he went away your anxiety would feel fresh, and every time he came back your anxiety would feel fresh again. You couldn’t see him in the state in which he returned sometimes; bruised, bloody, swollen, that shell shocked dissociated look. You were used to it before, now it reminded you of something you’d rather forget.

He noticed the way it was affecting you, but didn’t find any better solution than not seeing you straight away; waiting a few days till the horror gets out of his system; and drinking during these days, evidently.

He never listened when you confronted him about his problem. At first, he hid it pretty good. Only drinking on the day of his arrival, sobering up the next day and then you’d meet up. But soon enough he started drinking to the point of sleeping through the entire day you were supposed to meet, claiming that it was just exhaustion. It wasn’t just exhaustion. And finally, he’d drink when you were together, to keep his mind sober, as he claimed. To deal with a hungover. When you confronted him about being hungover in the first place, he’d act like it was his God given right to drink when you weren’t seeing each other, so you made it clear it wouldn’t work. He had to find a way to deal with the problem. And alcohol wasn’t the problem. The ‘job’ was.

There was no way for you to get better with him around, there was no way for him to get better reintroducing himself to danger every other week. You were caring and kind and you begged for so long, before you snapped and gave him an ultimatum. He could go on another mission, but you wouldn’t wait for his return. It was his choice to make. His alone. You were not a bad person for doing that.

He didn’t choose you. Somehow you always knew he never would. You lied when you said you wouldn’t wait for his return, you waited. You waited for his return, wished for it. At some point the realization hit: that wishing for his return so hard against his will might work. And he might return, but not in the way you intended, it struck you like a lighting. What have you done? He’s going to return in a body bag. That’s generous, he’s going to return as a pile of ashes. So, you had to stop thinking about it.

Only saw him once after he left. Riley snuffed him out in the crowded street after your open lecture. It was more than a year ago. Neither of you wanted to talk, but Riley was too excited, so you talked for a while. He refused admitting he was seeing your lecture, despite his motorcycle, that he now used to move around, being parked outside the lecture hall. Looked somehow older, maybe the lines on his forehead deepened, maybe it was the look in his eyes, detached, maybe it was the fact that he went few days without shaving. Or sleeping, by the looks of it, eyebags almost red. It was all so unlike him. He used to have it all under control, was the one you relied on. It felt wrong seeing him like this, like he was taking away something from you.

Took so much strength not to act like a nagging ex. You wanted to ask all these questions: whether he was drinking, whether he was getting help, whether he knew it was wrong, whether he had someone to take care of him. But you weren’t his mother. Had to keep it in check. He was your ex-boyfriend. Essentially, just a stranger who knew too much. Boundaries.

Never saw him after that, never thought about him, went on with your life, built something great for yourself. Your life was real, without constant death looming in the corners. Your mind went to Riley and you hated your brain for it.

What if you never see her again? What if your little girl turns to ashes and this is all you’re going to hold in your hands when you touch her again? Your ex-partner appeared in your head once more. It’s the same disgusting thoughts, it’s never about anything other than your brain and it’s patterns. You had to stop, before you lost vision, hyperventilating in the car, like you saw ghosts.

What if it’s a sign? What if it’s the price for the new life you’re about to start? All your thoughts were about to come true. Your new life, and the sacrifice in the shape of two plastic bags half-full of ashes to finally let you go and live out your dreams. And the smell. Earthy smell of ashes. You started seeing black. You never wanted it. The idea of those warm black paws… Those hands that held you… All turned into dust.

You opened the car-door, breathing in the air through the mouth, in and out, desperately; and just walked out.

You had to call Clara, talk to her about it. She’d reassure you it was all in your head; but you already knew it. It was the problem. You were scared that whatever’s in your head always found it’s way to become a reality somehow, and this is why you didn’t want to acknowledge these thoughts. You’d never share it with anyone, you’d never make them any more real than they were. And they weren’t. None of it was real. You needed to fall into routine. Something to occupy your hands and your head.

Working on your apartment wasn’t helping much, everything made you think about how you’re getting rid of not just things, but also every other aspect. You loved clinging to things and thoughts. It kept you grounded for a while. There was no way to check up on Riley, they’d lie anyway. They’d lie and tell you everything is good; they already did that. If this sacrifice is tied together, this means your ex… This means if he’s okay, then Riley is also going to be okay. That made sense.

There was a way to see if he was fine, without coming in contact, had to be. Maybe you should call up some past colleagues and ask around, find a way to make it seem normal. There was no way to make it seem anything but deranged. So, your mind switched from thinking about to Riley to this.

It felt like something to grip onto. An indicator you could check. If he’s alive and well, then Riley is going to be alive and well. This is how the universe worked today.

The thought simmered in your head for the entire day as you painted the wall in your room white, so you cave in, got your old phone out, charged it, tried to find any contacts that could be useful. Try to ignore the way the phone makes all the memories smell.

You came up with a legend, rang up a girl who used to work in the archives, she wasn’t useful. Didn’t talk. Well, she knew how to keep information, that’s like, her job description or something.

You needed someone less loyal, who wouldn’t see any malice in an ex-employee asking questions. Because there was no malice, it was just small talk. Called up a guy who worked at the storage facility. He was in the mood to talk. You weren’t sure he remembered you, but he was honored an ex-agent called him up to chat randomly. You told him about how you were at the airport another day and had to carry your luggage, which made you think of all the work he’s done for you. Thanked him in a long speech, and as you were wrapping up the call, asked around. Just a polite ‘how’s everyone doing’ type of thing. ‘Please just straight to the point,’ you thought to yourself, all this talk made you nauseous. You just wanted to hear any random fact about that one person. That’s it. But the guy never mentioned him, made you work for it. You ask a couple of questions about other people he didn’t mention. Come on, sound nonchalant and make it look natural. Will it be less suspicious if you ask about him after getting your answers about three random people prior? Three is too text-book, make it four. Make sure to ask about someone else as well afterwards, so it doesn’t sound like it was the goal. Make sure your voice doesn’t give it away when you mention his name. It’s easy.

The interrogation was supposed to leave you feeling at peace, but what you learned left you confused instead. Confused in your own feelings. Irritated, enraged…, upset? What do you mean that motherfucker quit?

Peeling the carrots was relaxing, skinning that orange vegetable. Small white lines becoming more and more transparent before disappearing, strong refreshing smell. What else is orange in the room? One of the buttons on the TV remote was orange before you threw the TV out, that black mirror of the screen made you anxious, so it had to go. Jim’s place had an orange towel, not much of color at your place. You had an orange eyeshadow in one of the makeup pallets, one of those colors no one ever used. You only used natural ones, to make you look presentable, but still respectable and serious. Why would he quit? Found something worth leaving it all behind for? Someone? Good for him. Would be good for him, if it was the case. Probably wasn’t. Probably quit to drink more.

You couldn’t imagine him doing anything other than what he was doing. He was out of place anywhere else. He was the kind of person who was so reliable in stressful situations, but an absolute mess in a day-to-day life. You wondered if he knew how to pay taxes. Always had the government do everything for him, they basically groomed him and he was too comfortable. And the motorcycle? With the drinking? A recipe for a fucking disaster. A recipe, right. You needed another carrot. You were stressed beyond reason as it was, here he was giving you another headache. You threw the carrot into the sink. You already peeled enough actually.

So, he quit four months ago. And you’re just getting to know about it. Like that, from some random guy. No one even bothered to tell you, like it didn’t matter. Did they consider even for a moment that maybe you knew something that had to be accounted for before letting him go? How did they even just let him go? You went though a lot of bullshit to finally quit, your trauma playing a factor. Did they catch him drinking on duty? He always said it wasn’t this simple when it came to quitting, so what changed?

This fucking salad wasn’t turning out great. And you weren’t even hungry anymore. Jim was about to be home in few hours, you had to eat or else you’d be forced to eat the cow vomit he called food.

This was wrong, mean thoughts. Jim didn’t do anything to upset you. If you didn’t like his food, you should take the matters in your own hands and cook for him. Find vegan recipes online. You could find anything online.

You could find anything online. A couple of thoughts ran through your head, conflicting with each other. You were not about to stalk your ex.

Anyway, vegan food didn’t have to be nasty, Jim was just in too deep and got used to it, you didn’t have to suffer. You’d cook up something decent. He’d be glad you’re committing to the bit.

The recipe. To the store. To Jim’s place. To the kitchen. Fuck the carrot salad. Fuck all of this.

“This. Is just. Amazing” – Jim annunciated, taking another forkful of the mushroom gravy pie with garlicky kale mashed potatoes, - “Is there anything you’re not good at?”

‘Oh, you have no idea’ – a spiteful thought ran through your head.

“Well, you tell me,” – you smiled instead.

“As far as I’m concerned,” – he stood up, grabbing your waist, - “You’re perfect.” – placed a kiss to your temple. Why is always the temple?

You almost pushed him away, before recognizing that your annoyance wasn’t directed at him, you actually liked how he hugged you, you tried to relax into his arms.

“It’s going to be okay, Riley’s gonna be fine,” – he placed another kiss to your temple. Who the fuck asked him to mention Riley? He never even let her in the house properly, what does he know about anything? You let out a suppressed scoff and inhaled sharply. It wasn’t his fault; you were just on edge.

“Thank you.” – for nothing. That mean person in your head just couldn’t shut up. Shut up. “I’m sorry, last couple of days were crazy. I’m glad you’re back.”

Be the best version of yourself for others. Unlike some.

The conference or the meeting- the event-whatever, went well, he even managed to land another similar gig, that was good. Jim told you all about it, he went out to celebrate with the people that organized all that and got you a stuffed toy from the slot machine. Sweet. You laughed at his stories and he almost made it all better. But once a thought got into your head, you were persistent to abuse it, obsess over it, you knew that trait, and you had to manage it somehow.

“Remember Kennedy?” – you said nonchalantly, brushing your teeth before bed.

“The president?”

“No, the guy I used to work with.” – you had to talk with someone about it, otherwise you’d keep thinking about it in private. Those thoughts needed a way out, and you could tell Jim anything.

“Ah, the one you used to date.” – he was getting ready for bed as well, assembling the pillows in that secret smart way that gave him superpowers of never straining his muscles or something.

“Yes. So, I was catching up with some colleagues and guess what? He quit few months ago.”

“Yeah?”

“Yes. No one even told me. This is how I get to know about it.”

“Yeah, what about it though?” – the pillows must not be pillowing because he was not paying enough attention. – “Why would they tell you?”

“Jim. Do you understand the situation? How it looks like?” – you glared at him, toothbrush in hand. – “This is not about him, Jim. This is about me. About my reputation.”

He put down the pillow, looking at you, dumb expression on his face, - “How is this about your reputation now?”

“Are you kidding me?” – you spat toothpaste out, washed the brush and fastened the silk robe around your waist, - “Do you know what kind of training he went through? We went through. Him, especially.” – it wasn’t about him though, - “The… What we’ve been through? Generally. Last time we spoke, he was coping horribly, drinking and-…”

“You’re super tense.” – Jim came over and put his hands on your shoulders, rubbing slightly. – “Ease up. Want me to rub your shoulders, huh?”

“I want you to know why I’m upset.” – you sat down on the bed, Jim still rubbing your back, - “You just don’t quit that kind of job without support. What if something happens and then… Me.” – you pointed both hands at yourself, like you had to explain it to him, - “What are they going to say? What kind of a psychologist am I? Who’s going to grant me with a prestigious position and a PhD with an ex who did… all… that?” – you couldn’t bring yourself to say that, but you trusted Jim to figure it out. It wasn’t a healthy situation.

“Listen, I know.” – Jim started working on your neck, it wasn’t even tense, - “You can always twist it though.” – Twist what? Your neck? – “See: you both went through something so horrible…, and look what it did to him. But you, you managed to crawl your way back from hell. And you can help others.” – he said it with a theatrical grandiosity, knew how to lighten the mood.

“This isn’t funny.” – you swerved your shoulders away; it wasn’t working in the moment.

“Or look.” – he sat up straight – “Nobody cares about the timelines, it’s the story that matters. Can always say his demise inspired you to help others.”

“This isn’t funny, Jim. I’m so serious right now.” – what was he even talking about?

“Okay, fine.” – Jim sighed, like you upset him by not complying, - “Let’s be real. I honestly don’t think anyone’s gonna care about your personal life like that.”

“You don’t know how it is, they will dig up every possible reason not to lend me the spot. It’s men who can date high schoolers and still work with kids. Me, a woman-…”

He rolled his eyes, - “There we go… Yes, I understand it’s the whole world against you.”

“You don’t know what’s it like, it’s important, I cannot let my reputation be tainted with something like-“

“Oh, how would I know?” – why was he mad? – “My job’s not that serious. I don’t have to care about my reputation.”

“Jim, don’t fucking do this. This is not about you.”

“Yes! What is this even about? I don’t think your ex is going to fucking kill himself because he quit. Guy’s probably having the time of his life right now.” – he looked at you – “Damn, not everyone’s fucking crazy!”

You stared at him.

What? You had to go get some water. Anything to just calm down. He was supposed to comfort you, not this. Not everyone’s fucking crazy? Like whom? Did he just call you crazy?

No, he didn’t. And he was right. You spent way too much time with suicidal people, not everyone’s like that. You needed to relax and let it go. You finished you water and came back to bed.

Just laid there in silence for a moment, before Jim shifted to cuddle up, you put your head in his neck.

“Yeah, you’re right. I’m just stressed. It’s the apartment, it’s Riley being away, you leaving…”

“It’s okay” – he kissed your head, - “I get it.”

He kissed your shoulder and it felt like you were pressured into peace you did not deserve. Restless. Moving in with him would be a challenge, you suddenly found yourself clinging to all the chaos you still carried inside, knowing that he’s on a mission to install order over it. You cannot imagine sleeping next to someone every day, not being able to twist and turn till sunrise.

You closed your eyes, feeling the bees and worms move under your skin. One day, they will go away. It will all go away.

“I don’t like what you said last night…” – you brought up in the morning, getting ready for another day.

Jim was not in the mood for the conversation, but you both valued communication - “Is this about your…”

“Yeah, I don’t like how you talked about him.” – you both understood each other without having to say much.

“Okay. What was it I said that you didn’t like?” – he was putting up with you at this point. You didn’t like feeling like you were someone he had to put up with.

“You talked about him…” – you motioned with your head – “ending things?”

“Yeah? I thought you did that.”

“You put it harshly, I don’t like this, don’t do that.”

“I’m sorry, I won’t do it.” – he was just saying things.

You sighed, - “It’s not that… It’s a sensitive topic for me, you know that. And it’s very real.”

“I know” – he buttoned up his jacket and walked up to give you a small peck.

When you got together, Jim promised he would lean a thousand languages to get through you. That you will always find a middle ground. Sometimes it felt like he was just saying what you wanted to hear to shut you up.

The day was slow, full of grading assignments, checking if the paint was drying flat at the apartment (you already managed to mismatch the primer with the paint once, causing it to bubble up before), talking to the vets at the clinic, who assured you that all Riley needed was a small surgery and that it wasn’t anything to worry about, but she was transported. You could even see the pictures from before they took her, except you couldn’t. You couldn’t see her in the state that you were. And if you miss out on the chance to see her one last time, you wouldn’t forgive yourself. And you’d be forced to end things. It was a nice set up, Check-mate, universe. There will be no life without Riley, so everything had to be okay.

You were happy you no longer worked with people; you wouldn’t wish a therapist like yourself on your worst enemy. But then maybe you would. That would be a neat punishment.

You did not manage to find anything about your ex on the internet, gave up on that task and picked it up again a couple of times. Even lying on the bed after a hot bath, which usually helped, the thoughts just did not leave you. He was a threat to your reputation. It’s not like it was easy to find anything on someone with a job like his. So that actually meant that if anything were to happen, no one would know. This thought should’ve been sufficient enough to put your worries to rest, but it made you even more restless. It wasn’t fair and it wasn’t right, and you had to know. It wasn’t even about anything, you just had to know.

What if imagining him in misery was easier than imagining anything else? Maybe the thought of him being happy made you uncomfortable. What then? Could you trust yourself to be a bigger person? Deep down you knew, the mean voice in your head wanted every single person who didn’t choose you to suffer in regret. It was because of your parents. And that voice had no control over you, unless it did. And sometimes it did, but not now. You were the bigger person, maybe not when Jim sat on the bed, disrupting your thoughts. You were the smaller person next to him, literally. He was bigger. And the bed moved under his weight.

The thoughts had to go; Jim had no business being present in the aura of your maliciousness. To him, you were good. And you would be good with him. He’d make you better.

“I can see the stress radiating off of you” – he laughed lightly, - “putting a hand to your forehead”. Goofy.

You smiled and rubbed your eyes, - “I’m fine…”

“You’re not fine” – Jim got all up in your face, a playful smile, studying, - “I know how to deal with tension.”

“No doubts, I heard you were famous for that.” – you matched the tone, - “Traveling around the country sharing your knowledge with serious people.”

“Oh no,” – grabbing you by the waist, he laid flat on his back and pulled you up on top of him, - “A masterclass for you only.”

Oh no. Indeed. “Wait” – you support yourself placing a hand on his chest as he pulls you up, kissing your thigh. You hold onto the bedframe, his kisses are warm, hot. The timing is off, you’re in your head.

Maybe it will work, maybe you need to shut your brain off, give in to him. And you try, as his lips make your muscles tighten up. You breathe deep, no thoughts. Please no thoughts.

The more you try not to think of something, the more your brain focuses on the matter – it was the bane of your life. Usually the problem was more general, less urgent. But at the moment, you tried really hard not to let any of it get inside your head, forget for a moment, let go. It doesn’t matter at the moment. Nothing matters, just you and… Just you and the disarray of fragments that steal your life from perfection. And Jim. Fuck, not like this. By focusing hard on not letting the visions in, you shut off from feeling, your body overstimulated, your brain fighting for the upper hand to block it out. It almost hurt, the pressure. Like a drawn bow, you tried not to give way. Not to think about the vet clinic, the walls, white walls in your apartment, your bedroom, your bed, a man on the bed, a vision of blue eyes staring at you flickered in your head so visceral, like a lightning. You grabbed the bedframe like a lifeboat to a drowning man, gasping for air, a shudder running across your body. Finally, no thoughts.

You collapsed backwards, your head on Jim’s boxers. You felt him hard, immediately deciding that you’re going to fall sleep, play dead. You could actually pass out, he could do whatever, you couldn’t deal with your mind at the moment. Your boyfriend, your fiancé, sat up straight, grabbing your shoulders and pulling you in. Only it wasn't you. He kissed that someone, moaning into her lips. She fell like a ragdoll onto his chest and he cradled her, brushing the hair with his fingers.

You slept in. Woke up and fell back asleep a couple of times, actually. You weren’t ready to give your brain another chance to work just yet. It fucked up. It fucked up so bad. Jim left you breakfast. His idea of breakfast never involved eggs. You could not look at yourself in the mirror. You thought you left shame behind. You held yourself accountable and never acted before you were sure you’d be okay living with your decisions. Should you hold yourself accountable for thoughts? Thoughts you couldn’t control. And you tried. For longer than you could admit.

‘This rotten feeling, this disgust with yourself will go away’ - you told yourself. Let it simmer, process it, and it will pass. Will be recycled and forgotten.

It was a mistake to even think about him in any capacity. It wasn’t your intention. But here you were, facing the truth that you will miss his touch no matter how much time passes.

You tried to test it in the morning, lying there next to your fiancé, his hand on your stomach, felt like any other morning. Eyes closed, you tried to trick your brain, concentrate on the weight of Jim’s hand, imagine the hand belongs to another. To him. And as soon as your imagination kicked in, the tug in your stomach twisted, heating up your cheeks, like some kind of engine. Nothing in your reality changed, it was all in your head. It was the end the world. That experiment.

Truly sadistic, you hated yourself in a way so profound, you found every way to ruin your own peace. Never left a negative emotion alone, always picking, digging, looking for something, always making it worse. Then cry when you found it.

You truly felt like the worst human on the planet. At least actual “bad” people never attempted to be good, they’d probably do a better job at it. It was their choice to do bad things. You made all the right choices and still failed.

Not being able to eat, you took a sip of green tea, you had to be rational. It’s not like it doesn’t happen to other people. The only reason you fantasized about your ex is because you were stressed thinking about him, and you were stressed thinking about him because of Riley. If Riley was here, none of it would happen. You had to make sure Kennedy was alive, for Riley’s sake. It still made sense to you. And actually, it was all in your head. Your memories. You missed your memories, not a real person. You bet if you saw him now, you wouldn’t feel a thing. Other than regret, disappointment.

He must be miserable, drinking his health away. Health is what makes us attractive at the end of the day. It’s all chemicals. So, if you were to see him, you’d be disappointed and feel adequate again.

And you will appreciate Jim for what Jim was. Stable, put together. There was no reason to lose your mind just yet.

Maybe you lost it, actually. Because you were pulling up every illegal way to look up your ex’s motorcycle license plates. You had a vague polaroid of Riley next to it, from that one time you saw each other. She looked too excited and happy. Like she won a treasure hunt. You had o take a picture. To busy your hands, because meeting him was awkward. Riley made it less awkward. Saved you every time. Your poor little girl. It would all be okay.

Did he get any tickets? Where did he park? You did not recall all the numbers, only a fragment of the plate visible in the picture, and it turned out there were too many similar motorcycles around. And he could’ve moved. Probably did, so it was a dead end. You scoffed, closing the laptop. ‘Repair shops’ sparked in your brain. For being your worst enemy, sometimes that brain was useful. You called up every repair shop you could find, asking if they had any experience with the particular model, acting like you needed their services. Had a list, had a car, had a whole day to drive around and interrogate them about a particular customer.

You read them well, you knew people; could tell when they didn’t know anything useful and weren’t lying. Until you saw a flicker of recognition in the eyes of one repair shop owner as you were showing him a picture, you didn’t look at the picture. The owner had thick moustache and tattoos. Tough case. The likes of him never ratted out people. Not for a low price at least.

You swore you could’ve bought a bike with the money that it cost you, but now you knew that your ex introduced himself as “Scott” (how original, went by the middle name), few times had a drink or two with the owner. And needed help with his motorcycle every once in a while, it was always ‘a gruesome sight’. Yeah, sounds right.

So, the bar was the only clue you managed to find. Maybe with the magic you possessed, or liked to think that you possessed, it would be enough.

So, you went home, put on makeup, got dressed. You had to look good to feel confident. And headed to the bar.

So, naturally… You spent few hours looking around the bar, trying not to look suspicious, attempting to see him in vain. For a second you found yourself feeling like a predator, a siren, some succubus; looking for her prey. Willing it to appear. But that didn’t happen.

Naturally.

Why would it? Magic wasn’t real, you knew it. But it was nice to pretend sometimes. If magic wasn’t real then wishing for Riley to be okay was useless. Then none of it made sense.

You asked for another drink. It was time to come to your senses. Time to own up to everything, to the mess you found yourself orchestrating. Maybe you just had to come to terms with the fact that you didn’t deserve the life you wanted. Maybe you didn’t want it to begin with. Maybe Jim’s mother was right. You were playing a role, she saw right through you.

Jim’s mother was a hateful cunt. You downed the drink in one go and asked for another.

But she was right. You were playing roles for as long as you knew how to. You wanted to prove to others so badly that you’re worth something. Your parents always found a way to devalue your achievements; if they weren’t tangible, that meant they were up for grabs. And your parents grabbed them and twisted, making sure you understand that it wasn’t yours. And if it was, it was wrong somehow. They always found a flaw and made it their mission to put that flaw of yours on a pedestal of your being. So, you wanted to prove them you’re capable, reaching for every medal to drown that pedestal in gold. To show them that they weren’t wrong for pointing it out, because fuck, you weren’t perfect. But they were wrong for doubting you. For not loving you the way that you needed. For making you feel like the worst creature ever, for simply having emotions.

They made you feel evil for caring. Made you feel manipulative for having enough empathy to measure your reactions to circumstances. And you caved in, you trusted that they saw the real you, so you became what they wanted and tried to fix this person, so they recognize that it’s you, but you’re better now. And it never fucking worked. Tears of pure frustration and grief crawled down your face. Shameful tears, defeated. You tried t break this person you created with their help. Tried to become someone you respected for a change. Became an elite agent. And you did ruin her. You ruined her till there was nothing left but a smoldering ribcage that struggled to keep all the memories. You just had no idea that you’d have to live inside that girl you destroyed, after the fact. That this girl is all that you’ll ever have. Honest to God, you did not think of that.

“Got stood up?” – some guy sat down across you, a drink in his hand.

You tried to wipe the tears away with your fist and ended up pressing both hands to your eyes, a couple of sobs falling through, - “Just… Go!” – you almost growled, hating him for making you realize you’re in public. Hating him for making you be mean to another human. You weren’t mean. You were a good person.

The guy made a comedic face, loudly announcing ‘what a bitch’ to his friends to make his exist. You pressed the heels of your palms into your eyes, you face squeezing, tears dripping from the elbows, head shaking. Everything was the worst ever.

Is this how he deals with everything? Does whiskey treat him better? Does life treat him better? It doesn’t matter. You hoped it did. It did treat him better. If you could find something that would make the pain and the bitterness a little less intense, you’d take it. It wasn’t your fault alcohol just never worked. Nothing ever worked and maybe it was your fault after all. You breathed for a while, hands in your eyes, like it’s going to hide you. Waited till the noise got quieter. And left.

Another morning at noon. You felt like shit, staring at the white walls, perfectly pained. You did a good job. You were good at painting things over. Different paint, same walls underneath. Called off the plumbers, they insisted on coming over, claimed there was some thing with the new plastic tubes not being connected to the steel ones properly because they messed up; they could do it another day. You didn’t want to see a soul today. Or ever. Your ‘vacation’ was coming to it’s end soon, maybe routine will bring you back to life. It always helped. You were no good out of loop. Couldn’t be trusted with your own life. They were all right, all of them.

Maybe the dissociated state that you found yourself in was better than being unnerved at every little movement. Maybe it was better to feel nothing for a change, to think about nothing. There was no point in thinking about anything when everything was doomed anyway.

It wasn’t really, but it felt like it. You’d call up Clara, you’d go back to work, you’d see Jim’s smile, you’d hug Riley. It will all fall back. Another round at trying, a little more cracks here and there, but it will fall back. You noticed a tiny line on the wall, just next to the door, where the paint didn’t reach.

You still had some left, it was for the kitchen, but it didn’t matter if you had to waste a bucket to cover up that little mistake. You always paid an unreasonable price for the smallest mistakes, it made sense.

Just as you were finishing up, the phone rang. So loud it startled you and a big splash of paint crushed into your t-shirt, some streaks dripping down onto jeans. “Fuck” – you murmured and walked up to answer – “Yes?” – annoyed at no one but yourself.

Turned out you forgot your bag at the bar. Placed it carefully under the table, so no one spots an easy target to rob, as you cried your eyes out like a pathetic fool. Well, no one spotted; not even you.

You walked up to the bar, didn’t even care to change, not in the mood to drive (mostly, not in the condition to park, driving was the easy part). Thanked the bartender, making sure you’re extra nice to make up for your angry tone over the phone. Took your bag, tipping well for not keeping it to himself, checked the insides (all there) and was about to leave when you turned around and froze for a moment.

A huge surprised smile found it’s place on your face before you knew how to react. You saw him staring at you, a surprised face; perhaps his one was a little more sincere, you just played a role. Time to be social.

“What? Hey!” – you pointed awkwardly at him, at yourself and waved, laughing.

He smiled, rising his eyebrows shaking his head in disbelief – “Hey?”

You sat down at his table, a surge of uncontainable bravado coming over, - “What a… I did not expect…” – you laughed like it was the most bizarre coincidence in the world. Your head ringing.

He just shook his head agreeing, apparently, couldn’t find the words, it seemed, - “Me neither?”

You both laughed politely, nervously. What the actual fuck?

“Really?” – you were not ready for this. Autopilot speaking.

“What? Yeah, I… I promise I did not stalk you.” – he took a sip of something, smiling. Your eyes following the glass. Still drinking? You asked the bartender for a soda.

You were not prepared to see Leon. Especially not when you were wearing old jeans, an oversized t-shirt, all covered in paint, last night’s makeup barely rinsed with water, mascara still sitting around your eyes in black circles. You got yourself into it. Well, maybe your magic did work after all. Maybe it was him who had to be disappointed for you to let go.

You rubbed your eyebrows, stressed, but with a big polite grin.

“I did not even think of that, now you’re giving me ideas!” – you smiled. If only he knew. If only. – “So… Umm… What are you doing here?” – took a sip of the soda, it stuck in your throat.

He looked better than the last time you saw him. A clean shave, sitting up tall, same features, his hair cut recently - “Waiting for you apparently.”

You laughed, pointing at your clothes – “Well I wasn’t…”

“What…” – he looked you up and down, - “is that?”

You bit your lip and smiled proudly – “I’m renovating!”

“Renovating? Your apartment?” – was it even a real conversation?

How do you even talk to someone who used to live under your skin when you’re pretending to be strangers?

“Exactly. We’re moving in, with my fiancé and all… I decided to renovate it a little, before selling” – you kept smiling, looking away.

Boundaries. That’s how you do it.

“Your fiancé?” – you noticed his eyes scanning your fingers for a moment. You weren’t lying, you just didn’t wear the ring. – “That’s a… Congratulations.”

Congratulations? Really?

“Um… Thanks?” – suddenly you felt uncomfortable, your smile started to feel too fake to upkeep. You didn’t feel like it was something you had a right to accept congratulations for.

The initial shock backing out, taking the heightened boost of confidence with it. You sighed. What now?

A moment of silence.

“How’s the job?” – you looked at him, waiting for the answer so you could ask your questions. You had many.

“It’s fine. The usual.” – he looked more solemn by the second as well.

Why would he lie? The path to questions blocked. Was it his way to keep boundaries?

“Yeah well… I don’t want to hear about the usual.” – you tightened your face in a smile.

He was the one lying. You had it all figured out, your life, you didn’t lie; and he couldn’t be honest. So, it was you who’d be disappointed, not him.

“I know.” – he looked back at you. That was him, the eyes, not the polite bullshit. And suddenly it hurt more than you imagined.

“Yeah… Well.” – there was truly nothing else to say, - “You seem to love that usual so…” – except you had everything to say.

But you won’t. There was no point. Chose the job over you, obviously was fine with it. It was the past. He didn’t say anything. Had nothing to say, did he?

“You look thinner” – he commented, studying your frame.

You scoffed, rolling your eyes, - “It’s just the t-shirt. And a lack of training. Muscles go down, you know. I gained weight actually.” – you tried hard to be nonchalant, talkative. That meant you were comfortable, people talked when they were comfortable. But you were anything but. So uncomfortable under his stare. He noticed you looked smaller; did he remember how you looked that well? How you felt? Does he still think about it?

He better not think about it. That would make you uncomfortable. You felt a slight burn under your eyes, heat spreading to your face.

“Okay.” – there was a glimmer of something mocking in his eyes.

“What?” – you tilted you head, exaggerated annoyance on your face. If you talked and if you were engaged, he might not see through you. Might be distracted.

“Nothing” – he pressed the glass to his lips.

“Oh, come on, what is it?”

He smiled into the glass, laughing to himself about something, - “Nothing, it’s just… Your idea of weight is hilarious. Always been.” – he swallowed whatever it was that he was drinking. Yeah, he’s so big and muscular and your weight is a joke in comparison, you get it. Very funny. You watched his neck move, remembering how it felt under your lips. ‘Always been’ so he remembers. Of course, he does, why wouldn’t he? People don’t just forget others, as much as you convinced yourself you could. Something stoic in you ordered to do everything in your power to make it stop. There had to be a way to make him unappealing.

“You still drink?” – come on, lie some more.

“Only before seeing you.” – he put the glass down, - “Kind of like a habit.”

He was basking in his humor before seeing your hurt expression, - “Come on, it was a joke.”

You just stared at him, wounded, - “It wasn’t funny.” – the muscles around your eyes contracted, but you kept it under control – “Was I a joke to you?”

Some sadness flickered in his eyes, a hint of shame? You needed more than a hint and a lot more than a flicker. How could he do this to you?

“I’m sorry.”

‘For the joke or…?” – you shrugged, mockingly. What was it? Spell it out, asshole.

He had this way of looking at you, like you were on the other side of the ocean and he was just trying to understand the message by clues. You were clear and loud.

What did he see on the other side? - “For everything.”

You scoffed, how typical. How easy. For everything. Everything, nothing. It was so simple. For everyone. No one. Always. Never.

“Okay.” – another fake smile, angry tears threatening to come out. You nodded, laughing, - “Okay.”

He blinked a couple times, faster than usual, sighed deeply, called your name. You were looking at the table. Nice wooden table, you’d like a table like that. Jim should get a table like that.

“I mean it. It wasn’t a joke for me either. It was hell.”

“Oh!” – you laughed, not bothering to wipe the tear that fell, it wasn’t a sad tear. It was rage, - “It was hell! That’s umm… Nice to know.”

He called your name again. Were you making a scene? Embarrassing him maybe?

“I apologize profusely for the hell that I was to you, the thing is - I did not know.” – you put a hand to your heart, it was pounding – “Honesty, I had no idea.”

He shook his head, annoyed at something. At himself, you hoped, - “Please?”

“What?” – you demanded.

“Don’t.”

“What?” – you shrugged.

“I’m happy to see you. Don’t… - “

“Oh, you’re happy? I’m sorry, I thought I was hell, I didn’t figure out you were happy. You’re just very hard to figure out, I guess.”

“It was hell seeing you go through… Everything. And it was hell making it worse.”

“It was your choice.”

“Was it?”

You shrugged, it was obvious, - “You could’ve quit.” – like you did now, you almost added.

“I really couldn’t” – he seemed so sincere. Liar. – “You can’t think it’s that easy.”

“I managed.”

“Yeah, and I had to pull some strings for that, strings that bind me.”

“What strings? Those missions? – he didn’t say a word, - “I didn’t ask you.” – more silence, - “You still could’ve left. Just stay, hide. It’s your goddamn life.” – it was ours.

“Yeah, you do that and they go after your family.”

“Well, you didn’t have one.” – you spat out before realizing you hurt him. That was just a fact, why is he acting hurt?

Oh. The realization hit. He meant you. They’d go after you. Family. You inhaled sharply through your nose, and blew the air out of your mouth.

“Anyway, I’m sorry. I did what I thought was right. And it seems to have worked out.”

“What are the indications?”

“You seem to be happy.” – it was a little ridiculous to say that in the situation, so you both laughed, tension relieved. You understood what he meant though and nodded.

He did what he thought was right. Leaving you was right. You heard enough and asked if he’d mind walking for a while, you needed some air.

And the night’s air was exactly what you needed. Wasn’t too cold, but inhaling it tickled your nose up to the forehead, a sensation to focus on. Something to keep you grounded.

You talked about your job at the university, briefly, small talk. About your life with Jim. A talk between strangers who once had a chance. Or whatever. Strangers who did the right thing. Strangers who weren’t convenient for each other anymore.

You found yourself looking for his approval. Telling him about how great your life was in all shapes and colors. He mostly listened. You talked about how friends disappear once you work for something you’re not allowed to talk about, he agreed. It was nice talking to someone who could relate, despite the hurt.

Your home security alarm went off, you set advanced motion detectors in each room, helped your anxiety to be under control. Or maybe helped your anxiety to take deeper roots, caving in to fears. It was your bathroom. Strangely, the alarm didn’t go off for the hallway, did someone enter through the ventilation? Leon asked if it could be Riley, your heart sank. You told him Riley was taken away, that she’s having a surgery tomorrow. He asked many questions about the apartment, practical ones, tactical even; about the windows and who had the keys, but insisted he’d check it out with you. ‘You won’t go there alone’. Oh, but you could. And he knew you could. You’d stare at the walls for days afterwards, listening to the sounds outside of your window, like a broken robot, but you could. You had a feeling you’d be doing that regardless. It was sweet that he was acting like a gentleman. And you couldn’t lie, you wanted him around. Just somewhere around. You felt like he took away some vigilance. Like you could finally not overthink what was happening over your shoulders.

Reminiscing the missions you took on together, you got inside, expecting anything but what has really happened.

The plumbers were right, the tubes were not connected right; you entered a steamed-up apartment, hot water pouring out of the bathroom. Ditching the jackets in the hallway, Leon turned the screw between the tubes as you blocked water supply, making jokes about it rather being robbers.

“I just hope I don’t flood the neighbors.” – you said, mopping up the remaining water.

“You’re selling it anyway, think of them as somebody else’s neighbors.”

You laughed, just noticing how he got wet all over.

“Hold up, I’ll get you dry clothes.” – you walked away followed by his loud protests.

He genuinely looked upset, angry and embarrassed as you handed him a pile of clothes. You couldn’t just send him home soaking wet, could you?

You also realized you had to make tea. Him being home put your mind at ease. Except it wasn’t home, it was a half-destroyed by your ‘renovations’ apartment for sale, and he wasn’t there really, just happened to step in. It didn’t matter. It was enough for your brain to feel better and you’d take it.

Leon walked out of the bathroom in dry clothes, a look of absolute confusion on his face, - “Is this my clothes?”

Whose clothes did he think you’d give him?

“Yeah, obviously.”

He didn’t say a word. You pointed him to sit, a cup of mint tea ready. He took a sip, contemplating something, frowning even.

“What’s the matter?”

He looked at you, an expression you couldn’t read. That was new. – “Why do you have my clothes?”

“You left it here. You… kept it here.” – you explained. Was he suggesting you stole it?

“No, I know that. Why do you keep it?”

That was a weird question. – “What was I supposed to do with it? Throw it away?”

“I guess.”

You both stared at each other in utter confusion. Was he being weird or were you weird for not throwing it away? Why did it seem weird now? Even to you. But how could you?

You never touched it nor looked at it. Kept it hidden at the back of your wardrobe. How could he suggest that you’d throw it away? You spent a couple years by now, dreading that all that will be left of him was a bag of dust. You’d like to have something to hold on to.

These thoughts made your heart race. He was alive and well. Next to you. Talking. Looking confused, but that will do. That means Riley is going to be alright. No one is turning into ashes, not today. Not ever.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t have a heart to… You should take it. You can take it back. There’s another t-shirt I think…”

You didn’t want to weird him out. You were a little unsettled, but he had to understand.

He sighed, looked around, something heavy on his mind. You knew, yeah, same. Fucking same.

He stood up, - “About Riley…” – he started. You stood up as well, alarmed. Did he know something? You realized he probably knew they put down dogs that weren’t useful. Who spent time off duty. Just to spite the good. They were evil like that. You knew that, refused to think about it, but you knew. Took one person you cared about, now they were about to kill your dog. Your happy little girl. She wasn’t a soldier; she never saw blood. Just your pain. Spent her whole life with your sadness, maybe it was better for her to be taken away, you were ready to hear anything, - “Don’t worry about it. I’ll see how things are and report back, okay?” – you tried to breathe evenly, there’s no need to be weird. – “She’s going to back in no time.”

You nodded, a bit too much. Okay. Yes. You’d like that. There was no logical reason to believe him, you knew he was out of the system and lied. But he never let you down when it came to these things. Until he did, once. You’d forgive that.

You’d forgive anything. Your façade broken, standing there, looking at him. A collection of pieces put together all wrong. Barely holding on, out of place. You smashed those pieces even when they didn’t fit, applying too much force in anger. It was all spite and resilience. But he made you feel like your rage was excessive. And it all fell apart. Every time you saw him after he came back from these missions, you’d fall apart. Like the strings holding it all together gave up on you. Like the whole world gave up on you, but not him. He was back and he was okay with the scattered pieces. It hurt putting it all back together when he left. But it hurt holding on to this monstrous cadaver as well.

You took a step and he hugged you, one arm over the shoulders, space in between. Like a goodbye hug between friends. You reciprocated, hugged him tighter, both hands, your temple touching his ear, cheek touching a side of his neck. Right there, this is where you belonged. For a moment the world made sense.

You could easily let him lie to you, hurt you, it didn’t matter. You tried to live without him and you failed. You knew better now. He smelled good; right. Did he know it was yours? The way he smelled, that you carried it in your heart, that meant it was yours. Did he know that he was yours?

Did he realize that you were his? For what it was worth. For no reason at all.

He put a second hand on your shoulder and you didn’t wait for him to kiss you, you waited too long, it was too slow, you went for it. He stalled you with a hand, warm hand gripping your collarbone.

“Leon…” – you slurred, nudging your head. It was all there. Everything in the world.

He almost whispered, - “What are you doing?”

What were you doing? You didn’t know. You didn’t think. You did what made sense, there was no use to think about it, that was the point. That’s why it was right. You looked at his face, glass eyes, blown. You loved him. That’s what you were doing. You lunged forward, him stopping you once more, he called your name, carefully. Calling to you to understand something. There was nothing to understand.

“You’re engaged. What is this?” – tone upset but still sympathetic, like a teacher who found it’s most promising student cheating on a test. ‘I will let it slide, but don’t do this again’ tone. ‘Don’t you see where this is going’ tone. ‘You’re better than that’ tone. You weren’t better. And you didn’t care.

“I don’t care,” – you were honest. You’ll break up tomorrow, it wouldn’t matter then, why should it matter now? There was a delay, but ultimately the outcome would be this. Why did it matter?

“You should.” – Leon not even looking at you, looking at his hand holding your frame.

“I don’t,” – you repeated. No emotion, just honesty.

“I do.”

“You shouldn’t,” – you got closer, just for him to hold you tighter in place, keeping space.

“I should. And you should. You can’t do this.” – some anger coming to the surface, - “You’re not using me to ruin your life.”

You couldn’t process anything he was saying. This concerned look on his face, like you were in some altered state, like you weren’t all there. But you were. You were all there. All there and nowhere else.

“Kiss me?” – you pleaded, you didn’t have it in you to talk, there was nothing to talk about.

“No.”

“Please?” – you begged.

“I’m seeing someone.”

He let go when he was sure you wouldn’t attempt to get closer. But you didn’t get it. So what? It was great that he was seeing someone. He was seeing you at the moment though. And you were seeing him. So close and real and it felt like home. “Okay.” – you said.

“You’re going to be okay?” – he took his jacket. You didn’t understand whether it was a question or a statement. Everything a blur. You nodded. Whatever he said. And he was gone.

It was okay. He was okay, looked great, healthy, better. Riley would be okay. That’s what you decided earlier, if he’s okay, then she’s okay. And if they are okay, you’ll be fine. And he promised she’ll be back. Between her and him, at least Riley will be back.

You slept in peace.

Called the plumbers in the morning, watched them fix the problem. You were happy they had this ability to fix something. Just few hours ago there was a problem, and now the problem was gone. You weren’t jealous, but you admired it. You made peace with the idea that your problems weren’t up for any fixing.

You weren’t made to fix anything, just to break. That’s the way you were brought up. You build just to break. Then you stand there looking at the ruins, lamenting the parts you got used to. And you dream about them, then you wake up.

It won’t be any different this time. It just won’t be any different.

And it was comforting.

You sipped a day-old tea, thinking about anything but the future. Tea leaves grow for some time, they must think being connected to earth, sucking in sunlight and being green is what their life is all about. They must find comfort in that. Then they get ripped, and dried. And it must feel like death, like there’s nothing ahead. The green turning brown, curling up on themselves to find some comfort. And then, it only makes sense if they find some peace being under the sun, they realize their existence is all about something different now. Still in the sun, still whatever they used to be, but different. And just as they come to terms with it, they get boiled. And it must feel like a death too, but you bet water soothes them, makes them soft again, takes away all the pain and the sunlight they’ve been hold onto, the flavor. And it’s all good once more. Then you drink it. You drink it and you think that you’ll be fine.

It was exhausted being sorry for simply being you. Food felt like an enemy. Sometimes you wished there was something wrong with you. Something that would make people feel sorry for you. To inspire pity instead of resentment. You got blamed and hit for the things that hurt you too. Beating you when you’re down. To teach you a lesson, like they had a right and like it was noble and you knew. You knew and you agreed, but it wasn’t your fault. You wish you were different. You tried to be different. You wanted people to recognize it. You wanted them to see that no, you didn’t do this to yourself. You did, but you wish you didn’t.

You wish you could be as coherent as others. You wish they recognized that you were on their side. On their side against yourself. You agreed with every punishment. Weren’t you good enough at least for that? Haven’t you secured a place on the Noah's Ark for yourself with that? Haven’t you earned it? You didn’t want to be left alone with all the monsters to be forgotten.

It was cruel to create a monster just to have someone to hate. But if that’s the role, you’d play it. Clinging to at least some belonging.

The dinner that you hosted at your apartment the next day came to its conclusion. Just like everything. Free trial of a life that never was yours. Jim praised you one more time, one last time perhaps. He reached in his pocket to check the keys before going out, took out a small circular metal piece, his mood transforming. It felt like watching a scene from a movie you already saw. A hundred times; you used to watch it as a kid, rewatched it with friends growing up, sharing the experience. So, by now, it was too familiar to engage.

“You know, I’m not even angry with you. i just know… I know that it’s gonna catch up to you.” – fast forward to where Jim was done trying to make you change your mind. He never had a chance, - “It’s women like you. you think the world is your playground. You take what you want and you get away with it.” – He was holding the ring, shaking it; you imagined the ring wasn’t there, he’d look as if he’s making an impression of an Italian, - “You want a new job, you take it. You want to change it, you do it. You want a new hobby, you go after it, leaving the old one half way, after you already purchased God knows how many-… You want someone’s attention, you trade people.” – He was struggling to make a point. Was there a point to make? – “And you think it’s all you. You think it’s your choice, but you do not choose. You’re being chosen because you’re a nice choice, you’re expendable. And your problem is, you think you’ll keep getting away with it, but you won’t. Once you get older, and trust me you don’t have much left, you will find out that the real world is different. The doors that people open up for you will be closed and you will be miserable, lonely and old. Knowing it’s all your fault. Knowing that you discarded every good thing you put minimal effort into because you thought you could get something better because the world lied to you, and you actually believed you deserved better. Because you’re ungrateful, selfish, self-absorbed-…” – there it is, - “Next time you play the victim, I want you to remember that. I know you’ll make all this,” – he gestured around, - “, into you being a victim somehow as well. I want you to know it’s your fault.”

You stared at him, stirred your tea in a cup, tea leaves looked relaxed in pale yellow liquid, - “What the fuck do you know about the real world? Your parents paid your way into college.” – all you said calmly.

And that’s how he was gone.

Jim was right about so many things, he was smart. But he was also full of anger. In his world, everything fell into place. All he had to do was to agree to it. And he assumed it was the same with you. That you just didn’t agree with the pieces that didn’t assemble easily. It wasn’t true. This was the only part he was wrong about. You had to work for every piece. You had to work for everything you ever had, because no one handed you a thing, punishing you for not being the way they wanted you to be. And when you work hard for it, you have every right to let it go. It’s yours to destroy. And you’ll work to make something else, you have it in you.

And it won’t work again, but it was okay. You sat alone; your apartment half-renovated, half-destroyed, half-old. Fitting. You will never sell it for anything better. You couldn’t know what to do with anything better. Didn’t deserve anything better, and the better didn’t deserve you.

A surge of relief came over; you thanked the universe for dragging you out of the state of constantly worrying about your kids. It felt like saving someone who never existed. Just imagine the lives of children raised by someone who ruined everything she created and a man grudging this much resentment and hate towards whatever she created. They would be so hated and ruined. They wouldn’t be. You had too much love in you to let them go through something like this.

If the only love that was yours to give was meant to be distant, you’d take it. You’d love people enough to keep them away. All you wanted in return was their understanding. You hoped they were thankful.

You could never fix yourself, so you tried to fix others, disregarding boundaries because how could you not? You were giving them the best of you, the only good you had, and watched them walk away. It didn’t work out well. So, you tried giving yourself to those who didn’t need fixing. And figured you had nothing to give. All you had was broken parts that could fit to cover up the cracks. You didn’t have a full thing. Came pre-damaged in a box that wasn’t carefully delivered.

Your thesis project never revealed itself because you couldn’t work on something you didn’t fully care about. And working on something you cared about was too personal, too intimate. You feared others reading it and seeing all your vices. Realizing you’re a bad person. It would ruin all the chances of clinging to the image you attempted to grow into. But right now, it didn’t matter. You set your mind on the project. You’d write about the therapeutic relationship, the relationship between a healthcare professional and a client, from the perspective of a professional. It was decided long ago and just now fell into place. And you’d do it for the sake of stating your piece, not for a PhD. You had nothing to prove. You proved yourself enough. And it was enough.

Riley was happy to be back, greeting you at the clinic. It was just a harmless cyst they removed. You still had your suspicions, but they were subsided when you signed the papers. Apparently, there was an issue with you being a handler, they were evaluating whether they should make you go through the procedures proving you really needed a service animal, not just an emotional support pet. In truth, you needed Riley, and Riley needed you, her wagging tail and hugs being the confirmation.

Riley didn’t know you were a fuck-up. Riley loved you through the worst. It was selfish of you, but you were selfish like that. There was no changing something this fundamental.

You sat in the car looking at her. Where would you take her? Your apartment still a mess, paint and wallpaper, dismantled furniture.

Was it worse to not be able to ever get what you want, or to be able to get whatever, but to never know what it is that you wanted? Every desire, every effort, every door leading to the wrong room. And then you have to fight your way out.

You blamed others for not seeing you your whole life, but now you didn’t even see yourself. It wasn’t all bad, all good, but just enough chaos to make the effort trying to decipher it all useless.

So, the effort was useless. It was the right thing to leave you all along, he was right. Leon was smart as well. He’d rather drown himself in poison than see you, and leaving you was right. He was seeing someone. You hoped that was someone better. Someone worth the effort. There was no jealousy. If he had something good, it would be something you weren’t fitted for regardless. It’s not like someone could ever take your place, you had no place to occupy. But you were his, in a way. You hoped he didn’t think about it too much, but it would be good if he knew that. And he was yours. In some way. No one could take it away, not even him.

A when he came over in few days, you sensed that he knew. Leon claimed that he wanted to make sure Riley’s home. You thanked him, for asking, for aiding, you didn’t know if it was his doing. You knew, but you didn’t know if it made seeing him easier. Still sedated by the events, you figured it’s best not to do too much. For when emotions were to kick it, it would be too much rubble to pick the good out of. You were ready for the mess; all you could do was make it less of a problem for your future self.

And Riley was about to sleep, you spent the day locking all the mess in your room, so she can be safe. So, you went outside, for a walk. Didn’t want the image of him in your apartment to linger. You’d never finish renovating, wouldn’t dare to let go. Stubborn. It didn’t matter now, but it would later. Cushioning the fall is the only strategy you subscribed to.

You walked for some time; he was still walking with the version of you that still had it all together. You didn’t know with which version of him you were walking. It didn’t matter, you were okay with any version. He was asking questions about your work again, a safe topic. Keeping the distance. You already told him everything there was to tell. What was even the point?

“Do you like me?”

He looked at you, from the other side of the ocean. It wasn’t storming this time. Still water, perhaps more dangerous than the waves, - “What kind of question is that?” – he hesitated, careful, - “Of course I like you.”

“No, I know…” you wanted to have a conversation, not with your ex-boyfriend, ex-partner, not with a friend or a guy you were trying to steal from someone, not with any social role you were forced to play. You wanted to ask him, soul to soul. Outside of time and space. Honest opinion, no obligations. – “I know… But do you like me?”

The raw honesty in your voice made him realize it was larger than that, - “I do…” – he slowed down slightly, - “I always liked you… I admire you, you know.”

You didn’t like that answer. What’s worse is that it didn’t feel like a lie, - “So you don’t know me at all then.”

“I do know you.” – he’s almost offended at that. That’s good, let him be offended and tell what he actually thinks, - “I always did… I didn’t understand you at first.” – good, you wanted details, - “It didn’t make sense to me why you even volunteered for training to begin with. Thought you were naïve. You had a choice and you didn’t have to do it. I didn’t have a choice,” – he was recalling, - “But then I realized that it made me angry because I envied you.” – that was new, you tried to place those feelings of his onto your memories, it didn’t land. He saw your efforts and clarified, - “That was before we started talking.” Did he think about you before you actually worked together? You didn’t even know of him before that. – “And it was comforting, that someone with something to lose would choose to do what I had to. Made me feel better about the whole thing. For a while…”

You wanted to make him see, it was fraud, - “Yeah well, I don’t stick to my choices.”

“I know. That’s what I like about you. You know what you want and you’re not afraid to do whatever it takes to get it.” – so confident and so wrong, - “And when you don’t want it anymore, you’re not afraid to let go.” – wrong again.

“Yeah, I’m not sure about that…” – you sighed.

“I’m sure. What is it about anyway?” – he finally glued his eyes off the pavement and looked at you, - “Cold feet?”

“What?” – you looked back.

He was looking at you with the care and sympathy of a pet owner before putting said pet to sleep, - “The wedding and all.”

“Oh,” – you caught the drift, - “No.” – he had primitive thoughts, you were figuring yourself out, not chickening out before the altar. You never even got there in your own head, why did he drag you there in his thoughts, weirdo - “What are you… No!” – you looked scandalized, - “We broke up actually.”

“What?” – you liked surprising people, - “When? I didn’t know that.” – he’s suddenly not so dramatic anymore, - “What happened?”

“Nothing.” – you muttered, still mad at him for marrying you off in his head.

“People don’t call off weddings without a reason”

For fucks sake, - “There was no wedding. There was an engagement for no reason, we ended it for no reason.”

“So, it was mutual?”

The image of Jim shaking the ring in anger appeared before you, - “More or less.”

Leon tried to suppress some weird emotion. You gave him a mean side-eye. Gloating that you failed at something decent? You thought of him better.

“I’m sorry.” – the change in his pace begged to differ.

“I should be” – you say, mirroring his words earlier, - “But I’m not.”

“So, there will be no doves at the wedding after all.”

“Who even does that anymore?” – why was he so fixated on that fucking… - “Oh.” – you got the joke. Doves. Dove. Him and his fucking jokes. You wanted to hit him.

It was cathartic for you. You wanted him to hang onto your words, looking into your eyes and have a deep conversation, not this childish… - “As I said, this is why I like you, you’re brave.”

Where was this coming from?

“You don’t like something and you’re not afraid to let it go.”

“I am afraid.” – you corrected, he had you all wrong, - “I’m so afraid, actually, all the time. You know it.”

“That’s the part of it. You’re afraid and you still do it. Can’t be brave if you’re not afraid at all.” – he’d make a great motivational speaker.

“There’s a difference between being brave and being stupid.”

“I’ve never seen you do anything stupid.”

“You’re blind then.” – the conversation you wanted to be profound turned into some elementary bickering at this point.

“Name one thing.”

“I’ll name a hundred.”

“Go ahead, I’m all ears.”

Something broken tugged on your heart at that, calling in pain from the rubble. Something buried alive under all the mess. The screams you tried to ignore.

“Let you go.”

And with that you killed the comfort you organized between each other. Destroying boundaries once again, your forte.

He ignored it, pretended you didn’t say it. Shut off. He wanted to hear it, he asked. Are you to blame again?

“It was the smartest you’ve ever been.” – he finally said, taking your hand in his for comfort, a sign that he wasn’t mad you brought it up. Words so heavy with sadness, but there was no anger directed at you.

You were walking in circles by then, just patrolling the streets, no goals and no directions.

“Not how I see it.” – you doubled down, your hand fit so right in his. You loved ruining things.

He just squeezed your hand slightly, like he understood where you were coming from, but didn’t agree.

You felt worlds away. He was somewhere in his head you couldn’t reach, somewhere in the past with his codename references, somewhere in the future with his fantasies of your wedding. You were nowhere but in the present. And it made sense, you had no place in his present. But you were there, and he refused to let you in. It was lonely. It felt lonely holding his hand when he was like this.

“Don’t be mad at me.” – you found your voice in silence.

He looked at you, tired confusion, - “What happened?”

“Just in general.” – you trembled.

He stopped to take a look at you. There was no point. He wouldn’t get it.

“I just…” – you felt the tears coming, - “Everyone is mad at me.” – you confessed.

He pulled you in closer like a bag of bones and hugged, - “Hey… Come on...” – he caressed your head. Pity hug. You were okay with it. You wanted pity. Didn’t care if it was pathetic.

“Let them be mad,” – he said in secrecy.

“I’m going to die alone and everyone’s going to be mad at me.” – not even Clara could get that truth out of you.

Leon took you by the shoulders and looked you straight in the eyes, testing if you were serious about something this ridiculous. It wasn’t ridiculous, it was true.

“Who told you that?”

“I did.”

He just blinked, thoughts running through, - “Well don’t say that,” – like it was this simple, - “Fuck, don’t say that.” – he cradled you in his arms again, hold closer, let go and pressed his lips to yours, soft, - “Don’t fucking say that, okay?”

You blinked, trying to assess the situation, grabbed his jacket, so he doesn’t go anywhere while you’re on it. You just needed a moment; ‘don’t you dare disappear.’ ‘Don’t you dare disappear on me again.’

“You-…” – you looked, eyes hazy, confused. And he kissed you again. This time a proper kiss, you made a sound to get his attention. Hold on. Just hold on, now. Break.

“I thought you were seeing someone.” – you whispered, accusing. It was okay for you to disregard others like that, you held him to a higher standard.

“I’m not seeing anyone.” – he looked like he’d say anything to get back to kissing you, a sudden change from the cold shoulder hugs and hand squeezing just moments ago.

“Did you break-up-…” - Did he feel it too? Did he realize no one else comes close? Had to breakup just after seeing you once?

“No, there wasn’t anyone. I just said that.” – that will do. Or will it?

“Why would you just say something like that?”

“I don’t know. I got scared.”

What? – “You got scared?”

“Yeah, I got scared. You were about to ruin everything, because you got carried away for a moment.” – you could feel his heart beating from where you were holding onto his jacket, - “Couldn’t let you do that. And then you’d hate me for it.”

“I would never hate you.” – you kissed him this time, and he pulled you closer, - “I wouldn’t” – you promised.

“Sorry,” – he said in between kisses, the wind cold on wet lips now, - “You scare me sometimes.”

“Why did you lie about the service?” – you cupped his face, kisses growing more aggressive, - “You quit.”

“I didn’t” – he got his lip bitten for that, he hissed, - “It’s not that simple, got suspended, ‘be dragged back next time they need me anyway.”

You needed a wall or any surface, pin him down. Make him confess more.

“Where do you live?” – you looked at his lips, hungry for the truth. Him. Drag him in the present. Make it all fit.

“Hotel. I moved. Only came here to see you.”

“Liar.” – you tugged on his hair, - “You visit the shop for your bike here every couple months.”

“It’s a good shop.” – he smiled at your assertiveness, and you pulled his hair stronger this time, he groaned, pained expression, - “I came here to see you before.”

So, he was visiting your lecture that one time. Turns out you were on the same page after all.

You patted down his hair, soothing. Kissed him more. Satisfied with the answers, for now.

“Are you stalking me?” – he smiled.

“Yes.” – you were honest, - “I’m crazy.”

“I know that,” – he looked proud, - “I like that.” – he joked. Maybe he wasn’t joking.

His hotel room was empty, organized, nothing to study. You wanted to know everything he was up for when you weren’t together. What else was he hiding? The frustration apparent in your aggression, clawing at his clothes, slapping his hands away when they got in the way, like you wanted to punish him for taking too long. He fought you to get his way with kissing and holding you how he wanted giving you a lot of grace. Yielding only until he wasn’t. And you took advantage of the soft spot he had for your temper. Shameless. He liked you for taking whatever you wanted. You wanted him. His body and soul and his life. All to yourself. If that was a lie, he’d have to deal with consequences.

But it didn’t seem like he was lying. Not one bit. It was the most honest you witnessed him to be. Grabbing the clothes off you to claim any unkissed territory. Kept saying something incomprehensible into your lips, your skin, it was all a blur of ‘missed you’, and ‘need you’ and you knew. “I know” you breathed him in, “I know” - you understood, yearning painfully radiating. He was the only one to make you feel like this. To make you feel this. All of this.

You felt the urgency and trembling need to wrap the reality to make it faster, get there as soon as possible. Tugging and pulling, and moving, begging Leon not to wait any longer. Like you might not make it on time, like he won’t meet you there, until you found yourself at the edge. And it felt like you were about to jump into the abyss. Like with every thrust he brought you closer to a fatal explosion, like it will ruin you forever. But he was right there with you, he wouldn’t do that to you.

You tried to stall him and suddenly you felt every atom in your body tremor, shake and break away from your form, leaving you floating in the space, black, white, just blank… A spark of color appeared in the nothingness; magenta, purple, orange, red, cyan. It felt like all the brightest colors at once, somehow together, but not mixing. You saw them all at the same time, able to differentiate but they were all united. All existing everywhere and you were a part of it too.

Another one, a trail of sparks outlining your neck, his lips brought you back into your form, you managed to feel where the space ended and your body began, your body. You left the state of absolution and came into your body for him. Only for him.

He kissed your neck back into its shape, his hand lifting your back to pull you closer, reminding you of how your shoulder blades move. Your body was real again and it could move. He’d always pull you up for contact despite being on top of you. Like he didn’t want to give you up to the ground, like he wanted you to be his alone. You shift your legs along his hips, the sensation of his skin making them real again, and when he pulls out, the tug at your core concludes the ritual and you’re fully back on earth, transformed; remains of galaxies that couldn’t fit spilling out.

You breathe, looking in his eyes with your brand-new ones. Does he know you’re seeing for the first time?

It looks like he doesn’t. It looks like he doesn’t know, nor understands a thing. Like he just witnessed a miracle: a woman appeared under him out of star dust, and he doesn’t yet know how to process it, but he’s not surprised. He can’t be. Not when he willed her into existence. No, it’s not a surprise, he’s in awe. Like he put his all into this conjuring but wasn’t sure it was even possible to succeed.

He pressed his forehead to yours, like a silent prayer to keep you from disappearing into the light, like a solemn promise to be a silent witness of this miracle; a promise between him and you or him and God, the universe. It seemed like all three collided.

You couldn’t tell if you agreed with this, but if any Godly being was what created humans, you felt like it worked through Him to return the particles that made you who you are, inside of this physical form, lying on the bed next to Him. Perfectly assembled, whole again. You were just drawn to this power he was bestowed with, to be closer. To make it happen. Just two entities, doing what fate woven into its plan since the start.

It felt right. And in the morning, it felt right when his hand was lying on your stomach, you didn’t have to think about it twice, or at all. It was the hand that was meant to be there. He traced the scar on your side, you traced the knuckles on his hand.

“Riley must be awake by now” – he said that morning.

And you answered, - “Let’s go home.”

And that morning he said – “Yeah, let’s go.”

And that evening you asked him if he’s going to help you with your apartment. Make a home out of this mess. And he also said ‘yes’.

And you finally realized that yes. You did get what you wanted. Took some time to figure it out and some effort to get there, but you will always get what you wanted. Let them be mad.

#leon kennedy x reader #leon x reader #leon kennedy x y/n #second reason #part 2

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m1lkywaywritey · 2 months ago

Text

Girl jeans

Relationship: Mikey way x afab reader (written with this ^ mikey era in mind but you can imagine whatever!)

Tags: Making out, blow jobs, face fucking, love bites, moaning, whimpering, oral sex, Mikey way's slutty waist, pretty boy, vaginal sex, unprotected sex, loud sex, established relationship

Summary: Your boyfriend Mikey tries on your jeans and they make his waist look super duper sexy

A/N: This took so long to write idek why ughhh, inspired by a post that said boys should bring back wearing girl jeans (and i took it literally lol), anyway i feel like the end is a little rushed but enjoy!!

Word count: 3512

Fic under cut- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

There were a lot of things you loved about your boyfriend Mikey: his stupid hair, his dorky interests, his silly laugh. But thing that always got you was his slutty fucking waist.

Every time the two of you fucked it was almost all you could focus on. Whether it was watching him try not to buck up into your mouth when you gave him head or watching him rut into the bed while eating you out - you were fucking addicted to those hips. You hadn’t actually mentioned to Mikey your fascination with his waist but he had to have known by the way you moaned while marking his entire lower abdomen up with hickeys.

You woke up rather abruptly when Mikey tore open the curtains letting the light flood into his messy room. A groan escaped your mouth as you covered your eyes with his pillow. You had hoped for a slow start to the morning with Mikey - you know, stay in bed together for an hour, eat breakfast together all domestic and stuff - but apparently Mikey had other plans. With your head buried into his pillow, you could hear him scrambling around the room, rummaging through drawers and piles of clothes.

You rolled over to look at him leaning on your elbow - eyes squinting slightly, still trying to adjust to the brightness. “What’s got you in such a rush babe?” You asked with a sleepy voice, fighting back a yawn.

“I forgot about band practice today, Gee only just came in and told me, and I can’t find my fucking jeans” he said clearly stressed out.

“Oh crap, what time have you gotta leave?” You asked, partly sharing his concern.

“In like an hour” he was being so damn dramatic, the way he was acting you’d think he had to leave in 5 minutes.

“Mikes, I’m sure you’ll be fine” you said, unimpressed, resting your head back onto the pillow.

“Okay but I really can’t find my jeans” you watched as he searched a couple more clothes piles and still couldn’t find them. You were slightly amused by the lanky boy getting so frantic.

“You could just wear my jeans if you want?”

“Are you serious?” He replied, a little stunned. “But what are you gonna wear?”

“I’ve got a pair of shorts in my bag, don’t sweat it. Plus I’m wearing your top so it’s a fair trade.” You shrugged like it was just a normal offer but you could hardly hide how much you wanted to see him in your low-rise jeans, just the thought of how hot he’d look turned you on.

“I don’t know, are they even gonna fit Y/n?”

“Only one way to find out.” You said reaching down to pick them up from beside the bed and chucking them over to him. Mikey scoffed as the clothing hit him in the face, playing fake hurt. He turned to face away from you to get changed into the jeans. “Oh come on Mikes, like I haven’t seen you naked like a hundred times” he started laughing at your annoyed tone as he slipped off his sweats.

“I’m putting on a show of my ass for you, what you don’t like it?” He joked, stepping into the jeans. You knew he was fucking with you but you wouldn’t say that you weren’t enjoying your view. You shifted to sit up on the edge of the bed, shamelessly gawking over your boyfriend’s sexy body. You crossed one leg over the other and leaned back slightly on your hands, eyes raking up and down. He pulled them all the way up doing a little jump to pull them over his ass which made you chuckle.

They were already low rise jeans but FUCK Mikey’s height meant they sat even lower on him. They were showing off that one feature you loved so much about him and when he did a little fashion show spin to show off the jeans, you couldn’t ply your eyes away from his hips, subconsciously biting your lip. The way the jeans were barely staying up because they were meant for someone with a little more curve, the way the light shining through the window highlighted his v line and his subtle abs, the way you could see his happy trail almost all the way down. Fuck, his happy trail was so sexy.

You must have been ogling over him for a while because when you finally snapped out of it Mikey was standing with his hands on his hips with a look of disbelief on his face, trying to stop himself from laughing. You even noticed your mouth was a little dry from having it agape a little too long. After a few seconds of silent communication through your eye contact, you stood up, walked over to him and crashed your lips into his.

Mikey let out a small gasp at the sudden contact before he whined into the passionate kiss. One of your hands raked through his hair, tugging slightly, and the other came to rest on his lower back, caressing around his hips and your fingers dipping just below the waistband of the jeans. You used your lower hand to press his body flush against yours - needing him impossibly close.

“Fuck- You got this turned on from me wearing your jeans?” He asked, slightly stunned by the intensity of your make out. His hands roamed your body, snaking under his shirt you were wearing to grip your waist then moving them down groping your practically bare ass.

“Don’t act like I can’t feel your fucking semi right now” you teased, moving your body to please his growing erection. Mikey let his head fall back with a low groan, leaving you to litter his neck with kisses. You sucked on a particularly sweet spot, making sure to leave a hickey. “What’s the band gonna think when you show up to practice marked up all pretty, wearing my jeans, hm?” You hummed into his ear.

“Fuck” he whined out.

“Oh, I bet you want them to know, don’t you? Want them to know how good I fuck you?” You said, word muffled against his chest as you trailed down to his over his body. Mikey whimpered out a pathetic “Please…“ in response and moved his hand onto your shoulder, pushing slightly to guide you down to your knees. You giggled a little at how needy he was being, you loved how much he wanted you - you would’ve loved to give in but you couldn’t blow him just yet, you wanted to see just how needy he was first.

You sucked bruises into his lower abdomen, taking your time with each one like you were creating some bespoke artwork on his skin. Every mark you left, triggered a low mewl from Mikey, a non-verbal plea for you to stop teasing and suck him off already. You shifted slightly, face now level with his cock, just the denim and his boxers between you. He whined out in anticipation wishing you’d just pull them down and let him fuck your throat - but he knew you weren’t gonna give into him that easily. Instead you nosed his dick through the fabric and gave him open mouthed kisses - leaving wet patches on the denim. His breathing became heavier and more erratic every time you moaned against him - the vibrations driving him crazy.

“You’re so perfect baby” you mumbled against him, looking up at him through your lashes. He gazed right back at you, starry-eyed, totally entranced by you. Bringing your hand up to palm his base, you sucked his tip through the fabric. His head thread thrashed back with a loud moan and a long string of pleases. He was almost at this breaking point and you were satisfied with his begging.

You unbuttoned the jeans - making a point to not pull them down all the way - and untucked him from his boxers. He looked painfully hard by this point, completely flushed and several beads of precum leaking from his slit. With just a few kitten licks over his tip a series of ‘thank you’s spilled from your boyfriend’s mouth as his hips threatened to buck forward and he caressed your head.

“Be still for me, yeah baby? I’ll tell you when you can move” you cooed pumping your hand up and down, achingly slow. All Mikey could do was nod eagerly, whimpering and desperately trying to stifle any movement in his hips. He ran one hand through his hair and nestled the other in yours.

You continued to pump your fist as you nestled your face at the base of his cock. You licked and teased his balls, breathing his the heavy scent of arousal that hung in the room, before slowly running your tongue up the underside of his shaft and finally taking the head past your lips. The noises Mikey was making were borderline pornographic and you hoped to god no one could hear what was going on. You pressed further down until you had all you could take in your mouth, your nose was just shy of being pressed against his abdomen. Bringing your hand up to cup his balls, you flicked your tongue and hummed against him - trying to give him all the stimulation that you could.

With every passing second, Mikey struggled even more with your request to stay still - even at this leisurely pace. He was relishing in every sensation, drowning in the pleasure. As his hips stuttered slightly, you gagged around him slightly and shot him a stern look. “Fuck, I’m sorry, please let me move baby” He whimpered out helplessly - far past the embarrassment of begging.

You pulled off him completely and he groaned at the loss of contact. “You think you deserve it, hm?”

“Ye- Yeah” He whined out desperate for stimulation but knowing better than to jerk off himself.

“I don’t know…” You teased in a sultry voice, feathering your fingers over him - god you felt evil. Mikey was fully locked in on staying still, eyes screwed shut as he pleaded with you needily. Fuck, you were trying so hard not to give in but he sounded so damn pretty.

“What do you want baby?”

“I want you, I want you”

“More specific pretty boy” You purred, bringing your hand back up to stroke him.

“Please, let me- let me fuck your mouth.” He moaned out, you were a little shocked at his vulgarity but you were eager to comply with his pleads.

“Go ahead baby” You said, mentally preparing yourself for an attack on your throat and taking his tip in your mouth once again. An abundance of thankful phrases flowed from Mikey’s mouth as he brought his hands to cradle your head, steadying his grip in your hair.

He was trying really hard to keep a steady pace and start slowly, appreciating that it could be painful for you. However, it didn’t take long for him to get lost in the sensations, pushing harder and faster with each draw of his hips. One harsh thrust causing you to gag around him. He cried out weightless apologies as he continued to make you choke around him, his caring side trying to fight the indulgence - and losing.

Drool spilled down your chin, seeping from the corners of your mouth, but by this point you didn’t care how messy it was as long as you could make him cum down your throat. You hollowed your cheeks around him and he tightened his grip on your head, speeding up again. The noises stemming from your uncomfortable throat only spurred him on further. Your eyes pricked with tears, breathing sharply through your nose. He couldn’t be far from cumming now, his hips stuttered and his moans were (somehow) getting louder. He cried out your name - along with numerous curses - and let his head lull back.

With just a few more thrusts he coated your mouth with thick ropes of his cum, groaning as he did so. He pulled out and you jerked him, letting the last drops of his release fall onto your face - which you promptly gathered with your finger and licked off.

You stayed on your knees for a second to catch your breath, staring up to admire him before he tucked himself back into his boxers and offered you a hand up. He cradled the back of your head and neck, pressing gentle kisses into your lips. “I’m sorry babe, are you okay? Did it hurt?” He asked sweetly.

“I’m okay Mikes,” you giggled “and don’t be sorry, that was fucking hot.” You deepened the kiss bringing your arms up over his shoulders, hand caressing up into his hair and down his back. He laughed into the kiss and brought his hands down to your hips, guiding you backwards until he lowered you down onto the bed. He shifted you to lay fully on the bed and positioned himself between your legs. As he hovered over you, he planted kisses across your neck and felt you up under your shirt with one hand (well, more like his shirt that you were wearing.)

You shifted in an attempt to remove your shirt but Mikey put his hand on yours to stop you. “Hey, I kept your clothes on for you, you should keep mine on too.” He said holding back a laugh. You rolled your eyes at his suggestion, you knew he was only doing it to annoy you. He seemed damn proud of his teasing too and you just wanted to wipe that damn smirk right off of his face.

You couldn’t stay mad for too long however as he began to nose at your tits through the shirt. Even with the fabric barrier, he knew exactly where to touch and kiss to make you squirm beneath him. Expertly mouthing at you, leaving numerous wet patches on the t-shirt, he kept a firm grim on your hips stopping you from grinding up into him. You writhed beneath his touch, whining desperately for him to move his loving further down.

Eventually, he complied. He settled with his head between your thighs, keeping that grip on your waist as he sucked bruises onto your legs and your abdomen- purposefully avoiding where you wanted him most. Whimpers and pleas of anticipation from you fell upon deaf ears for what felt like an eternity until his face finally came to your clothed pussy. Just the feeling of his breath made you whine out.

He pressed his face up against you, lazily kissing against you with a sharp inhale. “Fuck-“ You caught him whisper. He was trying to see how long you’d last but with seeing how soaked your underwear was, he couldn’t hold himself back. He pulled them down and immediately started lapping up your arousal. He moaned into you - the vibrations triggered a long groan from you as you tangled your hands in his hair, pushing him almost flush against you.

His tongue circled your clit so skilfully you could’ve sworn he was a gift from god. When he moved down to dip his tongue into you, his nose was perfectly hitting your clit. A long train of curses tumbled from your mouth, you didn’t care who heard you at this point as long as Mikey never stopped eating you out. Your body tried so hard to buck into him and close your thighs around his head but his grip was too strong.

Mikey could almost feel the neediness coursing through your veins and it turned him on eternally, he was inevitably hard again already. His arousal did not go unnoticed by you at all. You watched as he rutted into the mattress, his hips moving in sync with the rhythm of his tongue against you. Every time your eyes began to roll back in pleasure, you willed yourself to stay focused on him. Staring at his waist as he fucked the mattress through blurry eyes. You would never get tired of watching him get off on you.

Your bliss was ever-growing as the pressure began to build in your womb. “Mikey- Oh my god- I’m gonna cum don’t fucking stop-“ you cried out, pushing his head even closer to you.

Mikey released his grip on you, and your thighs practically clamped around his head. Your back arched into him as you humped his face, riding your orgasm as it crashed over you, Mikey’s tongue never stopped or faltered through it. You covered your mouth with one hand in a (very poor) attempt to muffle your deafening moans. With a few last bucks up into his face, you relinquished your cage on his head and stared up at the ceiling, totally dizzied from your orgasm.

After you had gathered your breathing, you weakly lifted your head to look at your boyfriend. What a fucking sight. There Mikey was, breathing heavily, a mix of your juices and his saliva smeared all around his mouth, hazy eyes staring up at you dazed in admiration. He’d never fucking looked better.

You chuckled at his messy state, sitting up and leaning in to kiss him, tasting yourself on his tongue. As he sat up, your suspicions were confirmed, he was fucking rock hard. “Have we got time to- ?” You asked flicked your eyes down to his erection, hoping he’d get the hint.

He didn’t even bother to look at the time before he shifted you to rest up against the headboard and untucked himself from his pants. He didn’t waste a second before pressing right into your sensitive hole, eliciting a choked moan from you as you screwed your eyes shut.

He thrust in and out, knowing exactly the angle to hit to rile you up. You were both moaning, sweating messes by this point - both sensitive from your previous orgasms. Mikey bit his lip, trying to focus on getting you to your climax before he thought about his - which was proving quite difficult as he had been working this hard on while eating you out as well.

As he sped up his movements, the headboard bashed against the wall with every push into you. Even as he held the headboard to stop it, the bed still creaked loudly from the force of his thrusting. You stared down, watching him go in and out of you at a rapid pace, jaw slack - completely intoxicated with the way his waist looked snapping into you.

As he pounded into you, you could already feel that familiar pressure building inside of you. Mikey sensed it from the way you spasmed around him and he moved his other hand to rub circles on your clit. That was it for you, your head fell as your eyes rolled back - you were totally engrossed in the feeling of him it was like nothing else existed. You felt him paint your walls with another load of hot cum and you felt euphoric. Like you had been put on this earth to be fucked by him.

He collapsed, laying against you and the room fell silent with no sounds of sex bar the deep breathing as you both came down from your highs.

You were both coming back to your senses, you remembered that Mikey actually had somewhere to be soon, he was so lost in you he seemed to have forgotten. “Shit Mikes, How long til band practice?” He jumped up at your question as if it had snapped him back into reality.

“Shit, shit, shit” He mumbled as he scavenged around his room for an acceptable, unstained top to wear, landing on the anthrax one he wore almost every damn day. He turned on his straighteners and got to work on his guy-liner and you chuckled at his little diva routine. You got up to get ready as well and you slipped on your shorts.

“Can I come with you to band practice today?” You asked, you had nothing else to do and you got along well with the guys so you couldn’t see why not.

“Yeah of course” Mikey said assessing his hickeys in the mirror.

“I can’t wait to see their faces when they see those baby” You giggled.

“Did you have to give me so many Y/n? I look like a fuckin cheetah” He said playfully.

“You look so pretty… and your ass looks so good in my jeans,” You gave him a quick peck on the cheek, “Come on, we’re gonna be late”

The two of you rushed downstairs, quickly grabbing some breakfast before running out to see Gerard leaning against his car. He looked very unimpressed and impatient - you wondered how long he’d been waiting for you both.

Before you could even start to apologise or make excuses for your tardiness, Gerard cut you off, “Y’know what, I don’t even wanna know, get in the damn car.” You and Mikey exchanged a slightly guilty look before doing what Gee told you to do. At this point who were you to argue with your driver?

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

A/N: Thank you for reading!!! let me know what you thought if you want, i love reading comments

#m1lkyway fics #mikey way x reader #mcr #mcr fanfiction #mikey way fanfiction

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classyhoeeee · 7 months ago

Text

'Distraction': Rafe Cameron 18+

Part 1 - Sarah, Kiara, and Cleo are on a mission to steal something from figure 8 with the reader. Something that Rafe Cameron, Topper or even Kelce wouldn’t let them get away with. The thing is, Rafe was their biggest threat. The pogue girls had an idea that involves the reader. They want her to distract him with a sexy truck wash. Thing is…the two of them have unfinished business.

pairing - Rafe Cameron x f!reader tags - enemies to lovers relationship, fingering, degradation, spit, overstimulation, a little rough, truck sex, wet mentions, reader orgasm, dirty talk, knifeplay, dark!rafe.

a/n - just a warning…this one is VERY freaky. Hehe. It’s my favorite one that I’ve written so far. enjoy.

……………………………………………………………………………..……

The Distraction

“Y’all are crazy as hell.”

The words left your mouth before you could even think them through, your voice loud enough to make Cleo snort and Sarah wince. Kiara, however, didn’t flinch. She simply leaned back against the rusted van, arms crossed, watching you with an infuriating calmness.

“It’s not that crazy, Y/N.”

“Yes, it is, Kie! It’s Rafe Cameron. I can’t believe I’m even saying this, but I think y’all forgot what he’s capable of. He literally swore he was gonna kill me.”

Cleo raised her eyebrows. “And yet, you’re still standing. Ain’t no bullets flying, is there?”

“That’s not the point,” you shot back, glaring. “The man is unhinged. He hasn’t forgotten what I did. I pushed his ass overboard. I stole his boat. His boat, Kie.”

“Exactly,” Sarah said, breaking her silence. “And yet, you’re the only one he hasn’t laid a hand on. Don’t you think that’s…weird? I’m his sister and he’s even tried to kill me.”

“It’s not weird. It’s Rafe. He probably thinks it’s more satisfying to scare the shit out of me from afar than to actually follow through.”

Sarah, Cleo, and Kiara shared a look, one of those silent girl-code moments you couldn’t quite decipher. It pissed you off immediately.

“What?”

“Listen,” Kiara started, holding up her hands, “we need this. You know we do. That safe in Ward Cameron’s study? It has everything we need to help the guys. But getting into Figure 8 without Rafe breathing down our necks? It’s impossible. He’s always watching, Y/N. And we know he’s gonna be there today.”

“And you think throwing me at him is gonna fix that shit?”

“Distract him,” Cleo corrected with a sly smile. “You know you can.”

You scoffed, shaking your head, the very thought making your skin prickle. “No. Absolutely not. I’m not gonna—”

“Wash his truck,” Sarah interrupted.

The words hit you like a slap to the face. “What?”

Kiara’s smile was almost apologetic. Almost. “It’s simple. He loves that stupid truck. You’ll get his attention in like…two seconds. Enough time for us to get in, grab the shit we need, and get out.”

“You want me to give Rafe Cameron a sexy car wash? Are y’all out of your damn minds?”

Cleo shrugged. “You look good. He’s obsessed with you. We’re just being resourceful.”

You pointed a finger at her, already fuming. “He’s not obsessed with me. He’s obsessed with revenge. There’s a difference.”

Sarah’s voice dropped, soft and coaxing. “Y/N, you’re the only one who can do this. If we screw this up, the guys are screwed. Please.”

You stared at her, at the pleading look in her eyes, and felt the weight of her words settle on your shoulders. You had come this far with them—you’d do anything to protect your own. That was the Pogue way.

Even if it meant putting yourself in front of the devil himself.

“Fine,” you muttered through gritted teeth. “But if Rafe kills me, I’m haunting y’all for the rest of your lives.”

Cleo grinned, clapping her hands together. “Deal.”

———

The truck sat under the sun like a black mirror, drops of water clinging to its surface and glinting in the light. You hated how it looked—pristine, perfect, expensive. Just like him.

And, like clockwork, Rafe Cameron appeared, materializing out of thin air like a goddamn nightmare.

He leaned against the porch railing, beer in hand, sleeves rolled up to his elbows. The buzzed hair only made him look sharper, those pale blue eyes locking onto you like you were the only thing worth seeing. He looked you over—slowly. Starting at the mess of suds sliding down your brown arms, down to the soaked hem of your white top where your leopard print bra peeked through. His gaze lingered on the exposed skin of your thighs as you shifted in your tiny shorts, then flicked back up to your face.

Rafe smirked, slow and wolfish, before taking a long sip of his beer.

You’d already fucked up, and you hadn’t said a word.

“Didn’t think I’d see you again.” His voice was smooth and lazy, but the edge beneath it cut deep.

You turned to look at him, sponge still dripping in your hand. Despite the racing in your chest, you forced yourself to meet his gaze, tilting your chin up defiantly. “Rafe… I—”

“You what?” he interrupted, his smirk twitching wider. He stepped off the porch, the gravel crunching under his boots as he approached. He moved slow—deliberate—as though giving you the chance to run just so he could chase.

You glanced at the truck for a split second, calculating the space. Too far.

“I’m… I’m sorry,” you said softly, surprising yourself with how steady your voice came out. “For everything.”

Rafe blinked. You saw it—the flicker of something in his expression as he stopped a few feet away. He looked at you like he wasn’t sure whether to believe you, his tongue running over the corner of his mouth. “Sorry?” he echoed, voice dripping with mockery.

You nodded, stepping just slightly closer, letting the sponge drop to the gravel. Your hand brushed your collarbone as you shifted, drawing attention to the trail of soap suds sliding down your skin. His eyes followed, just as you knew they would.

“I mean it,” you said softly, almost seductively, tilting your head just enough to let the sunlight catch the line of your jaw. “I shouldn’t have pushed you off the boat. I panicked.”

Rafe’s gaze darkened, but he didn’t say anything, his chest rising and falling steadily.

You kept going, forcing the words out like silk. “I shouldn’t have betrayed you. You didn’t deserve that.”

For a second—just a second—you saw his expression soften. His eyes dropped to your lips, his grip on the beer loosening slightly. He looked almost… hesitant. Like he wanted to believe you.

And then he laughed.

It was loud and sharp, the sound scraping down your spine like nails on a chalkboard. “You’re good, you know that?” Rafe said, shaking his head as he wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. “I’ll give you that. You almost had me there.”

Your stomach dropped.

His eyes snapped back to yours, the smirk curling his lips twisting into something cruel. “You really think you can stand there, play the little innocent act, and I’m just gonna forget what you did?”

“Rafe, please—”

He moved fast, rounding the truck before you could react. You bolted around the other side, keeping the truck between you.

“Oh, this is cute,” Rafe taunted, his voice ringing out as you circled. “What’s the plan now, huh? Gonna fucking run? Where do you think you’re gonna go, Y/N? Huh?”

You didn’t answer. Your heart slammed against your ribs as you circled, your movements mirroring his as he prowled like a fucking lion.

“Stop running,” Rafe barked suddenly, slamming his palm against the hood of the truck. The sound made you jump. “You think I’m just gonna let you get away again? Like hell I will.”

He moved left—you darted right. It didn’t matter. You were too slow, and he was too fast. Rafe rounded the truck, and you ran.

You barely made it two steps before he caught you.

“Let me go!” you shrieked as his hand snatched your arm, yanking you back hard enough to send you stumbling. “You motherfucker!”

He didn’t. Rafe pinned you to the truck in one smooth motion, his body towering over yours. The heat of him, the size of him, made you feel small—helpless in a way that set your skin on fire.

Rafe’s face hovered inches from yours, his eyes gleaming with something dangerous. “What’s wrong, Y/N?” he murmured darkly. “You scared?”

You didn’t answer. Couldn’t.

Rafe leaned closer, his breath hot against your ear. “You should be.”

Your voice came out shaky. “Rafe—please—”

Rafe pulled back just slightly, and you saw it. The flash of silver in his hand. Your breath hitched.

The knife.

He twirled it between his fingers, slow and deliberate, his gaze locked on your face as you froze. “What was it you said last time?” he mused, dragging the blade lightly down your arm—not enough to cut, but enough to make you shiver. “I’m doing this for my friends, right?”

You whimpered softly, the sound escaping before you could stop it.

Rafe’s lips twitched, his eyes lighting up like you’d just given him the best gift in the world. “Say it again,” he whispered, pressing the flat edge of the knife against your throat—just enough to make your knees buckle. “That’s why you were stupid enough to come back to me, right? Those fucking pogues set you up?”

“Rafe,” you whispered, tears pricking your eyes as you gripped his wrist. “Please…just let me go.”

The tears slipped down your cheeks, and you felt his chest rise sharply against yours.

“Look at you,” Rafe muttered, his voice low and almost… awed. “Such a pretty bitch when you cry.”

You shuddered, a broken sob leaving your lips as his knife traced the dip of your collarbone.

“Rafe…”

“Shh,” he murmured, the sound almost tender. “You don’t wanna say something you’ll regret.”

You forced yourself to meet his eyes, your breath coming in shaky gasps as tears streamed down your face. “What… do you want from me?”

Rafe’s smile widened, something twisted and triumphant lighting up his face. “What I want? You’re coming with me.”

You froze, his words hitting you like ice. “What?”

Rafe stepped back just enough to grab your wrist, tugging you forward as you stumbled to keep up. “You really think I’m letting you run back to your little Pogue friends? Nah. You’re done, Y/N. We have unfinished business.”

“Rafe—no the hell I’m not. What are yo-”

“Save it,” he snapped, dragging you toward his truck as you tried to fight him off. “You brought this on yourself. You wanted my attention, right? Well, you’ve got it.”

You thrashed against his grip, tears streaming down your face. “Rafe, please—let me go! I’ll leave! I won’t come back!”

Rafe shoved you against the passenger door, leaning in close, his voice dropping to a dangerous whisper. “You’re not leaving, Y/N. You should’ve stayed off figure 8, Pogue.”

The finality in his tone made your stomach drop, and for the first time, you realized the truth.

You weren’t getting out of this.

Not this time.

———

The air inside the truck was suffocating-thick with sweat and heat and the overwhelming scent of him. Your back arched against the worn leather of the backseat, your hands clawing uselessly at his shoulders as Rafe moved above you, relentless as he fucked the shit out of you.

Every sound you made-every gasp, every choked-back moan-felt like a betrayal. You hated yourself for it. For the way your body responded to him despite everything.

Despite the smirk that stretched across his face, the glint in his pale blue eyes that said he'd won.

"Look at you," Rafe muttered darkly, his voice heavy with satisfaction. His hand slid down to your thigh, his grip rough, forcing your legs wider as he pressed you deeper into the seat. "Acting like you hate this…like you hate my dick."

"I do," you gasped, even as your voice cracked, even as your body said otherwise.

Rafe's laugh was low, cruel, vibrating through you as he ducked his head to press his pink lips against your neck. His teeth scraped against your brown skin, making you shudder, and when he pulled back, his expression was all sharp lines and wicked intent.

"You can lie to yourself, Y/N," he said, gripping your chin and forcing you to look at him. "But you don't get to lie to me."

You glared at him, your chest heaving, your nails digging into his arms. "Fuck you."

Rafe grinned, leaning closer until his lips brushed your ear. "You are."

You opened your mouth to snap back at him, but the words turned into a sharp cry as Rafe's hand shot up, tangling in your hair. He yanked your head back, not enough to hurt— but enough to remind you of exactly who was in control as he drove himself deeper and deeper into you.

"Say something now," Rafe growled, his voice low and smug as he pushed himself deeper.

"Come on, sweetheart. I thought you had something to say?"

Your nails clawed uselessly at his arms, your body arching against the seat as he hit something deep inside you that made your thoughts scatter. Your jaw clenched, your breaths coming in sharp gasps as you fought to hold onto your anger, your defiance, anything to ground you.

But all you could focus on was him.

The way he filled you-so deep it felt like he was tearing you apart and putting you back together all at once. The way his body towered over yours, his pale skin pressed against the deep brown of your thighs, the contrast making everything feel more raw, more intense.

His dick is too damn big.

The thought came unbidden, unrelenting as your body clenched around him, your mind spinning from the overwhelming pressure and stretch. How the hell is this motherfucker even fitting?

"Fuck," you muttered under your breath, your nails biting harder into his skin as you tried to stop the heat pooling in your stomach from taking over.

"What's that?" Rafe taunted, his grin widening as he rolled his hips, making you gasp. "Didn't quite catch that, baby. You moaning for me already?"

"Shut the hell up," you hissed, though your voice cracked as the pleasure twisted tighter.

Rafe laughed, his grip tightening in your black hair as he tugged your head back further, forcing you to meet his gaze. "Nah, I don't think I will. Not when you're squeezing me like that. You like it, don't you? Feel how deep I am?"

You glared at him, fresh tears pricking your eyes as your lip trembled. "You're a piece of shit. I hate your ass."

Rafe's smirk widened, his teeth flashing like a predator's as his hips snapped forward, deliberate and rough. "Hate me all you want," he sneered, his voice dripping with cruelty.

"Doesn't change the fact that you're fucking taking it like a good little Pogue slut."

"You're disgusting," you snapped, though your voice wavered, your breath hitching with every thrust.

"Yeah? And you're pathetic," he shot back, his tone cruel as his hand slid down to your waist, gripping tight enough to bruise. "Talking all this shit while you're pushing back on me like you're fucking starving for it."

Your stomach churned, humiliation and heat flooding your chest as your body betrayed you again. Your hips shifted, just slightly, the pressure too much to fight.

"There it is," Rafe muttered, his eyes darkening as he felt you give in. His grip tightened, guiding you against him as his smirk turned wicked. "Look at that recoil. God…you fucking bitch, shit." He gritted the last part and gives your ass a hard slap, making you whimper.

His hand moved to your thigh, pulling your legs wider as he forced you to meet his rhythm. "Say you hate me again," he growled, leaning closer, his nose brushing yours. "Say it while you're bouncing on my dick like you don't want me to stop."

Your lips trembled, every sharp, degrading word tearing at what little resolve you had left. You hated him. You hated the way he owned you, the way his grip burned against your dark skin.

"Fucking say it," Rafe demanded, his voice a growl as his grip on your waist tightened, forcing you to push back against him. "Say you hate me while you're begging me to keep going."

Your acrylic nails dug into his arms, fresh tears streaming as you tried to stifle the sob threatening to escape. "I-I hate you."

Rafe chuckled darkly, his breath hot against your ear. "Yeah, well, your pussy doesn't." He pulled back just enough to watch your face, his smirk deepening as you arched beneath him. "Look at you. Can't even stop yourself from pushing back. Fucking whore."

You bit down on your lip, the humiliation twisting with the heat building in your stomach. You hated him. You hated yourself.

But you couldn't stop.

Rafe's hand slid to your jaw, forcing your tear-streaked face up to meet his. "There it is," he muttered, his tone softer but no less cruel. "Good fucking Pogue. Taking me just like you're supposed to."

And as you finally broke beneath him, your body trembling and tears spilling freely, Rafe's smirk widened, victorious and unrelenting.

"Speak ," Rafe hissed, his face inches from yours. "Say you want me."

You shook your head weakly, your breath coming in ragged gasps as you tried to fight him, to fight yourself. "I-I don't..."

"Bullshit."

His grip on your hair tightened, and your eyes squeezed shut, your body betraying you all over again. You hated him-hated his smug face, his cruel words, the way he made you feel like you were his plaything. But the worst part?

You didn't hate this. As much as you said you did.

"Say it," Rafe growled, his voice dropping lower. "Say you want me, or I'll stop."

You bit down on your lip so hard it hurt, tears pricking at the corners of your eyes. He wouldn't let you get away with silence-he never did.

"Rafe-"

"Say it," he repeated, pulling just hard enough on your hair to send a shiver down your spine. "Be a good girl for once."

Your voice trembled, barely above a whisper. "I... I want you."

"What was that?" Rafe taunted, tilting his head as if he hadn't heard you. "Say it again. Louder."

You opened your eyes, glaring up at him through the tears you refused to let fall. "I want you."

The words tasted bitter on your tongue, but Rafe's reaction was immediate. His grin stretched wider, his teeth flashing in the dim light as his hand loosened in your hair, smoothing down to rest at your jaw. His thumb dragged across your bottom lip, almost gentle.

"That's what I thought," he muttered, his voice thick with triumph. "Took you long enough."

You turned your head away, biting back the sob that threatened to break free.

Rafe didn't let you escape. He grabbed your chin again, forcing you to meet his gaze as he leaned in close. "You're mine now, Y/N. You get that, right?"

You didn't answer. You couldn't.

Rafe smirked, his eyes dragging slowly over your tear-streaked face, down to the dark skin of your chest where his touch still lingered. "I fucking hate Pogues," he murmured, almost to himself. "But you? You're my exception."

And the way he said it-soft and dangerous, like a promise you'd never escape-made your stomach twist in something you couldn’t name.

You hated him.

And you hated yourself even more.

——

The backseat of Rafe's truck was a battlefield-your resolve crumbling and Rafe's triumph curling around you like smoke, choking out every last ounce of resistance.

Your body was a mess of heat and sweat, pinned under the weight of him, his grip unrelenting as he dragged you further under.

"Don't stop now, sweetheart," Rafe murmured, his voice a gravelly mix of amusement and cruelty. His lips grazed your ear, every word deliberate, every breath making you shiver. "You've come this far. You're not tapping out on me yet, are you?"

You bit your lip, trying to ignore him, to ignore the way your body betrayed you with every movement, every burning pulse of pleasure he forced out of you.

Rafe noticed. Of course he did.

"You're quiet all of a sudden," he taunted, his tone mocking as his hand slid up your thigh.

"That's cute. What? Cat got your tongue? Or are you just embarrassed? Bet your little Pogue friends wouldn't believe it if they saw you right now-dripping all over my dick, letting me do whatever I want to this pretty little pussy."

"Shut up," you whispered, a broken edge to your voice, hating the way his words twisted something sharp and hot in your chest.

Rafe chuckled darkly, his hand moving to tangle in your hair, tugging hard enough to make you gasp. "Nah, I don't think I will. Not until you say it. Admit how good I'm making you feel. Tell me how much you like this."

You shook your head weakly, tears stinging your eyes as you tried to turn away. "I don't _"

The shrill ring of your phone cut you off.

You froze, the sound slicing through the thick air like a warning shot. Rafe didn't stop. If anything, his grip on you tightened, his smirk widening as his gaze flicked to your bag. He reached over, grabbing the phone with deliberate ease before holding it up to your face.

Kiara.

"Look who it is," Rafe drawled, his grin dark and knowing. "Your little rescue team, huh? Probably wondering where you're at. Should I tell her?"

"Rafe-please, don't," you choked out, panic creeping into your voice as you tried to grab the phone.

He yanked it out of reach, his other hand tugging your head back to force you to look at him. His face was too close, his blue eyes gleaming with something cruel and unhinged.

"You wanna beg now, huh?" he muttered, pressing the phone against your cheek, his thumb swiping over the screen. "Go on. Answer it. Tell her how you're too busy getting fucked to come back."

Your stomach dropped. "I can't-"

Rafe leaned in, his breath hot against your ear as he whispered, "Answer.The.Fucking.Phone. NOW."

The phone clicked, and Kiara's voice rang out loud and clear. "Y/N? What the hell is taking so long? Where are you?"

You squeezed your eyes shut, tears spilling down your cheeks as you tried to steady your voice. "Kie... I-I'm fine."

"Fine? You don't sound fine. Where are you? Did something happen?"

Your lips trembled as you felt Rafe move against you, his hand sliding back to your thigh, his grip firm and possessive. He pressed a kiss to your temple, mockingly soft, before murmuring into your ear, "Say it, or I'll say it for you."

"I'm fine," you said quickly, your voice breaking as you forced the words out. "I got—distracted. I'll catch up with you later."

"Distracted? What are you talking about? You don't sound-"

"I gotta go," you cut her off, your voice shaking as Rafe pulled the phone from your ear.

The line went dead.

You let out a shaky breath, your whole body trembling as you looked up at Rafe. His expression was pure smug satisfaction, his lips pulling into that wicked smirk that made your chest tighten.

"See?" he muttered, tossing the phone onto the floorboard. "That wasn't so hard, was it?"

"You're a fucking monster," you whispered, tears streaming down your face as you pushed at his chest weakly.

Rafe laughed, low and taunting, as he grabbed your wrists, pinning them above your head. "You say that now, but I don't think your pussy got the memo. You're squeezing me so tight right now-what do you think that means, huh?"

"Stop-"

"No, you stop," Rafe snapped, his voice darkening as he leaned in closer, his face hovering just above yours. "You wanna play the victim, act like you hate this, but I know the truth. You fucking love it.“

You couldn’t even argue with him. Not when he was abusing your g spot the way he was.

The backseat of Rafe's truck had turned into a world of its own-hot, suffocating, and inescapable. The windows dripped condensation, a cage of sweat and shadows that blurred the outside world into nothing. It was just you and him, and every second passed like a fever you couldn't break.

Rafe hadn't let up-not with his words, not with his hands. He was relentless, pressing you deeper into the leather, dragging every ounce of fight you had left out of you. Every time you thought you could pull yourself back together, he shattered you all over again.

"You're not even trying to fight me anymore," Rafe murmured, his voice low and taunting as he stared down at you. The blue of his eyes looked almost silver in the faint light, glinting with satisfaction as they dragged over your tear-streaked face. "That's sweet. Guess you finally figured it out."

Your chest heaved with shaky breaths, your body trembling beneath him as you turned your head away. "I hate you," you whispered weakly, the words barely audible.

Rafe grabbed your chin, his fingers digging in just enough to make you look at him. "Yeah?" he taunted, his grin wicked. "You love repeating yourself, huh?. Go on. Keep telling me how much you hate me while you're laying here, dripping all over my seat like a desperate little Pogue slut.”

You clenched your jaw, the tears pooling in your eyes making it hard to see him clearly.

"I... I hate you."

Rafe's expression didn't change. If anything, his smirk deepened, like he was enjoying every second of your misery. "Nah," he said softly, shaking his head as his thumb brushed across your lip. "That's not what I wanna hear."

"Rafe, please.." you choked out, your voice breaking.

"Please what?" he taunted, his tone dripping with mockery. "You want me to stop? Want me to let you go so you can run back to those broke-ass Pogues? Fuck that." He leaned closer, his breath hot against your ear as he whispered, "Tell me what you really want."

Your heart sank, every word tightening around your throat like a noose. "Don’t…Don’t stop," you whispered.

Rafe grinned, his hand slipping to rest at your jaw, his grip firm but not cruel. "That's better," he murmured, tilting your head back so you couldn't look away. "Say it again. Louder."

Your lip trembled as the words slipped from your mouth like poison. "Don’t stop, Rafe…please."

"Good girl," Rafe muttered, his thumb tracing along the tear-streaked curve of your cheek.

"See how easy that was? You can listen when you want to."

You closed your eyes, fresh tears spilling down your face, but Rafe wasn't done. His grip tightened slightly, a warning, as his voice dipped lower. "You know what else I wanna hear?"

You nodded your head submissively. "Please... tell me, Rafe.”

He smirks at your obedience before speaking, his tone firm and commanding. "Say you'd choose me over them. Over your little Pogue friends. Say it, Y/N."

Your eyes snapped open, horror twisting in your chest as you stared up at him. "No."

Rafe tilted his head, his smirk cold and sharp.

"No?" He chuckled softly, his grip never wavering as his free hand trailed down your side, slow and deliberate. "You don't get to say no. Not anymore. Say it."

You swallowed hard, the words catching in your throat as you tried to pull back-tried to escape the weight of him, the weight of his words. "I-I don’t wanna."

"I didn’t fucking ask if you wanted to." Rafe growled, his face inches from yours. "You're mine now. Not theirs. Mine. Say it."

You shook your head weakly, tears streaming freely now as your chest heaved. "I-l'd choose you."

Rafe froze, his gaze locking onto yours, something wild and triumphant sparking in his eyes. "What was that?"

You squeezed your eyes shut, your voice breaking as you repeated the words he wanted. "I'd choose you over them."

"Look at me when you say it."

You blinked up at him, the tears blurring his face as you choked out the words again. "I'd choose you over them, Rafe."

His grin stretched wider, his expression dark and smug as he brushed his lips against your ear.

"Damn right you would," he murmured, his voice soft but venomous. "They don't deserve you. They never did. I'm the only one who sees you for what you are."

You didn't respond. How could you? The fight had drained from your body completely, leaving you trembling and broken beneath him as he watched you with the same victorious gleam in his blue eyes.

But Rafe wasn't done.

"Open your mouth," he ordered, his tone low but firm, his grip tightening on your jaw.

Your stomach twisted, fresh tears spilling as you stared up at him, wide-eyed and uncertain.

"Rafe, why-"

"Do it," he snapped, his voice sharper now, his smirk twisting into something darker. "Don't make me ask again, Pogue."

Your lip trembled, your body shaking as you parted your lips hesitantly, the humiliation burning through you like fire.

"That's my girl," Rafe muttered, his eyes locked onto yours, his thumb brushing across your bottom lip before he leaned forward. Without hesitation, he spit into your mouth, the action deliberate, possessive, and utterly degrading.

"Swallow that shit," Rafe commanded, his tone calm but laced with authority. "Don't even think about spitting it out."

Your throat tightened, the shame twisting in your chest as you obeyed, swallowing under his watchful gaze.

"That's it," he murmured, his grin widening as he cupped your cheek, his pale fingers brushing against your tear-streaked skin.

"Good fucking girl. That's why you're mine. Because no one else could handle you like this."

His thumb dragged across your lips, smearing the wetness there as he tilted your chin up, forcing you to meet his gaze again.

"Say it one more time," he whispered, his voice soft but no less commanding. "Say you'd choose me over them."

You choked back a sob, the words tumbling out before you could stop them. "I'd choose you over them."

"Good girl," Rafe whispered, his voice almost tender as he pressed a kiss to your jaw. "I knew you'd come around eventually. You just needed me to remind you where you belong."

He pulled back just slightly, his gaze lingering on your tear-streaked face as he dragged his thumb across your bottom lip. "Bet you'd let me knock you up, wouldn't you?" Rafe murmured, his voice almost soft, his smirk curling into something sinister. "Let me put a fucking Kook baby in you. Make you mine for real."

Your stomach flipped, your heart pounding in your chest as you stared up at him in disbelief. "You're sick," you whispered, fresh tears spilling down your cheeks.

Rafe chuckled darkly, his thumb dragging along your jaw as his pale fingers stood out against your dark skin. "Yeah, well so are you. Ditching your friends and begging for my dick." He leaned closer, his lips brushing yours as he whispered, "What kinda girl does that make you, huh?"

You were quiet and couldn’t even respond…how could you. He was right. You begged him not to stop and even now you wanted him to keep sliding his dick in you.

Rafe's smirk widened as your silence stretched. "I asked you a fucking question," he growled, his hand suddenly tightening around your throat. The pressure made you gasp, your back arching against the seat as he leaned closer, his breath hot against your lips. "What kinda girl does that make you?"

You shook your head weakly, the tears spilling faster now as your chest heaved.

"Rafe, what do you want-"

"Don't fucking 'question' me," he snapped, his grip tightening further, sending a dizzying rush through your body. His other hand slid down to grab your hip, pulling you closer as he sneered, "Say it. Say what you are, baby. You're my little whore, aren't you? My dirty Pogue bitch who can't get enough."

A broken sob escaped you, and his grin only grew as he tilted your head back, his lips brushing against your ear.

“Tell me who you belong to.”

Your breath hitched, your voice barely above a whisper as the words slipped past your lips, tasting like poison and fire. "I'm... I'm yours."

"Yeah, you fucking are," Rafe muttered, his tone softening just slightly as he released your throat, dragging his hand back to your clit, playing with it as he continues to thrust into you, deep.

Your chest heaved, your body trembling as you felt yourself tipping over the edge, that coil of tension snapping inside you as you come around his dick. You gasp sharply, your head falling back against the seat as your body arched into his.

"Ah shit," Rafe grunted with a deep sigh, his voice dark and triumphant as his hand slid up your brown thigh, his fingers digging into your soft skin.

"That's my good girl. You're so fucking perfect when you cum for me."

You whimpered, tears spilling freely now, your mind fogged and overwhelmed. But Rafe didn't stop. He wasn't done with you yet.

"Look at me," he ordered, his tone commanding as he grabbed your jaw, tilting your head up to meet his gaze. His blue eyes burned into your brown ones, the smug smirk on his lips twisting into something darker. "You think I'm letting you off that easy. You're gonna give me one more."

"Rafe-" you choked out, your voice trembling.

"Don't fucking fight me," he snapped, his grip tightening. "You've got one more in you, baby. I know you do. And you're gonna give it to me."

Your body trembled, your head spinning as he pushed you further, relentless in his thrusts.

Every nerve was on fire, every sound that escaped your lips ripped from your chest against your will.

"That's it," Rafe murmured, his voice dropping to a low, possessive growl. "Give me one more baby…just one more around my dick."

The words hit you like a punch, and you shattered, the wave crashing over you so hard it left you breathless. Rafe followed you down, his grip tightening as his own body tensed, his head falling into the crook of your neck as a low, guttural sound escaped his lips as he got closer.

Rafe didn't stop. He followed you through it, his strokes still sharp and relentless, his grip firm as he kept you exactly where he wanted you. His breath was ragged, a low, guttural sound escaping his lips as he buried his face in the crook of your neck.

For a moment, everything stilled. The truck rocked gently beneath you, the windows fogged, the world outside feeling a million miles away. His weight pressed into you, heavy and grounding, his chest heaving against yours.

You should have been angry. Humiliated. But instead, the words left your lips before you could stop them.

"Rafe... cum in me."

His head snapped up, his eyes narrowing as he pulled back just enough to look at you.

The smirk that spread across his face was sharp and wicked, his tone laced with mockery as he chuckled. "Oh, you think you're calling the shots now?"

"Please..." you whispered, your voice trembling as fresh tears slid down your cheeks.

Rafe leaned closer, his nose brushing against yours as he sneered. "What makes you think you've earned that, huh? After pulling that little stunt on my boat? You think you can tell me what to do?"

You shook your head weakly, the lump in your throat making it hard to speak. "I'm sorry-"

"Sorry doesn't fucking cut it," he growled, his grip on your hips tightening as he moved again, pulling a sharp gasp from your lips. "You wanna tell me what to do? No, I tell you what to do."

You whimpered, your hands gripping at his shoulders as your body trembled beneath him. "Rafe... please. I'll do anything."

"Anything?" His voice dipped into something darker, more dangerous, his lips brushing over the shell of your ear. "You'll cry for it, baby. You'll fucking beg for it, or you're not getting shit."

You bit down on your lip, the tears spilling faster now as your chest heaved. "Please," you choked out, your voice breaking.

"Please, Rafe. I need it. I need you."

"Louder," he demanded, his hand moving to grip your jaw, forcing you to look at him. "Let me hear you fucking mean it."

Your voice cracked as you sobbed, the words spilling from your lips like a prayer. "Please, Rafe! I need you to cum in me! I'm yours-I'll do whatever you want! Just... please."

His grin widened, satisfaction gleaming in his pale blue eyes as he tilted your chin up, pressing a slow, mocking kiss to your lips.

"That's my good girl," he murmured, his tone dripping with triumph.

And when he finally came in you, letting himself unravel against you, the low, guttural sound that escaped him sent a shiver through your entire body. His weight collapsed onto you once more, his breath hot against your neck as he pressed his forehead to yours, a lazy, smug grin still plastered across his face.

Then Rafe tilted his head, his lips brushing against your ear as he whispered, "You're never leaving me now, Y/N. Not after this."

You didn't respond. You couldn't. Because deep down, you knew he was right.

And that terrified you.

The haze came quickly after that, swallowing you whole. The heat, the sweat, the steady weight of him pressed against your trembling body-all of it felt distant and surreal. You weren't sure how long you lay there, pinned beneath him, his blue eyes watching you like you were a puzzle he'd just solved.

Then his hand came up, quick and light, delivering a playful slap to your cheek. Not enough to hurt, but enough to snap your attention back to him.

"Hey," Rafe muttered, his smirk twisting into something sharper, darker. "Don't drift off on me. You're not getting out of this until you say it."

You blinked up at him, your breath shaky as the fog clouding your thoughts started to lift. "Say... what?"

Rafe's hand slid to your jaw, gripping you firmly as he tilted your head back, his lips brushing over yours in a way that felt both possessive and mocking. "Say you're sorry for what you did. For pushing me off my fucking boat."

Your lips parted, your chest heaving as his thumb dragged across your bottom lip, leaving you trembling beneath him. "Rafe, are you serious-"

"Say it," he interrupted, his voice sharp but calm, his tone leaving no room for argument. "Apologize, and maybe I'll go easy on you."

A tear slipped down your cheek as the words caught in your throat. You hated him. You hated the way he owned you, the way he twisted you into knots with nothing but his voice, his touch. But the fight had been drained from your body completely, leaving you with no choice but to obey.

"I'm sorry." you whispered, your voice cracking as fresh tears welled in your eyes.

Rafe's grin widened, his thumb brushing along your jaw as he leaned closer, his breath warm against your lips. "Louder."

Your body trembled, the shame burning hot in your chest as you repeated the words, louder this time. "I'm sorry for pushing you off your boat."

"Good girl," Kate murmured, his tone laced with triumph as his lips crashed against yours. The kiss was messy, desperate, full of teeth and heat, and you felt yourself slipping further into the haze. His hand tangled in your hair, tugging just enough to make you gasp as his tongue claimed yours.

It wasn't sweet. It wasn't gentle. But it was addictive.

He pulled back just slightly, his pale blue eyes watching your swollen lips, the tear streaks on your face. "You feel that?" he muttered, his voice low and mocking as his hand cupped your cheek. "That's mine now. All of it. Every fucking piece of you."

You didn't argue. You still couldn't.

"Open your mouth," he ordered, his tone soft but firm, his smirk curling as his thumb tapped your bottom lip.

Your lips parted instinctively, and the haze grew thicker as he spit into your mouth again, the deliberate action pulling a low whimper from you.

Rafe's grin deepened, his eyes gleaming with something wicked as he leaned forward and whispered, “Ready for round 2?”

You paused for a second to see if he was serious and when you saw that he in fact wasn’t joking, your rolled eyes.

You were never trusting Kiara, Cleo, or Sarah again. Not that you’d get the chance to since you belonged to Rafe now.

You were his. Not theirs.

#drew starkey #rafe cameron #rafe cameron smut #outer banks #rafe cameron x black!reader #rafe cameron x reader #drew starkey smut #quenlin blackwell #black reader

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