#DONT go through so much awful shit that it causes me to have a breakdown and spiral badly

[deityofhearts]

actually I ✨won’t✨ post in depth about my grievances regarding all of december and my birthday while half asleep

[suffarustuffaru]

I still need to catch up on re zero but I've seen a bit of spoilers of whatever's going on with Otto but I want know what you think Otto's reaction is going to be when rbd gets revealed like

ooh ty for this ask thats a really interesting question that ive totally not thought about a lot :o HAH but yes anyway. the short answer is that i think that ottos reaction would be Not Good. but it would be kinda good bc ottos strategic mind and undying loyalty to subaru Would be helpful to have.... bc yknow, otto would be a pretty reliable ally who'd KNOW about rbd.... but also NOT GOOD for the exact same reasons (strategic mind and undying loyalty). i just think that otto knowing rbd is gonna cause both him giving subaru some comfort (ie otto going “i know now all youve been through… please confide in me about it”) and A Lot Of Conflict (“haha you should simply stop using rbd so much ahahha”).

anyway!! the longer answer is that i think ottos reaction depends a little bit on if hes finding out rbd alongside other people or if hes the ONLY one to figure out rbd at this time. i think the more likely option in canon is that he might figure it out via restoring roswaal's tome hah, but yes i mean either way, otto finds out rbd and his entire fucking world is gonna get flipped on its head just like any one of subarus other loved ones finding out rbd. if ottos finding it out by himself, i dont think that he'd reveal rbd to other people unless he HAS TO, but he'd tell subaru he knows about rbd (if subaru doesnt know at that point) when he feels its necessary. but more on that later.

anyway in terms of ottos general feelings - yeah, like. a lot of them are gonna be all the usual things that you would feel around finding out that your dear friend has had this absolutely horrific time travel ability haaah... like the horror of "oh god how much have you used that", and then "oh god have i hurt and killed you before" and "oh god whats happened in all those failed loops. youve definitely had failed loops right ahah" and "THATS why you know so much shit you shouldnt know and thats why youre so so traumatized by shit i dont know. ohhhhh god" and "have you always had this power?? in the entire time ive known you??? oh FUCK" you know? like otto especially i think is very analytical about things. and hes uh. Anxious. so hes just gonna go aaaaaalll the way down that rabbit hole (................pun intended) of "what the fuck subaru" and "OH NO SUBARU" and like in general connecting all the awful puzzle pieces together of all of subaru's mysterious behaviors suddenly lining up with rbd..... its a HUGE oh shit moment.

and then otto is gonna go RIGHT into gameplan mode. emergency mode. i think hes just gonna put HIS feelings on the backburner (he might have to have a little breakdown first depending on how Bad it goes, but given this is RBD it most definitely hit otto with the force of a dinosaur) and then ottos gonna throw himself right into doing his "duty" as subarus friend. we kinda see this a bit in stuff like gluttony if where otto tells garfiel to get his shit together bc its only them left bc SUBARU KILLED THE REST OF THEIR FRIENDS.... and then otto feels numb seeing garfiel die and then distantly, iirc, thinks of himself as kind of a shit person for not feeling much about garfiel dying in front of him :( but yeah like. ottos good at throwing himself into THINK OF AND EXECUTE A PLAN TO SOLVE THIS EMERGENCY SITUATION NOW, HAVE ANOTHER CRISIS ABOUT IT LATER. esp when its SUBARU on the line here. and its SUBARU whos been lost a million times before otto found out already, which will most definitely be driving him insane 👍 ottos coping mechanisms (….punching walls…. alcohol……. working….. general bits of aggression….) are very like. numbing/lashing out kind of coping mechanisms. Solitary coping mechanisms. and i think he’s gonna prioritize subaru over himself and try to be subarus support and then go to Cope and Seethe in private where subaru cant see him HAHA. or right in subarus face bc otto has a tendency to do that too, depends on how Pushed otto is. either that or, like with garfiels death in gluttony if, otto is numbed by shock at first (….until the full weight of the reveal probably crashes on him at some point).

that and i think ottos gonna be coping anyway by being obsessive about subaru, as one does (ottos really normal) (very normal) (and very mentally well)

it depends on how rbd reveal goes, but the options like i mentioned earlier are probably gonna be

1. otto found out rbd alongside other people -> otto provides emotional and strategic support to subaru + the rest of the camp whenever possible but stays largely in the background until he feels he has to take any Drastic Options

2. otto found out rbd on his own (and subaru doesnt know yet) -> otto stays in the background and intervenes when he feels he Has To -> will likely only tell subaru he knows abt rbd when he thinks its the right time and then try to be subarus pillar of support

yep so!! in general, i think ottos closely gonna observe subaru from now on— i think otto would wanna keep tabs on subaru at All Times and know Basically Everything about what subarus doing now. i know that sounds like. extreme. bc it is HAH but i think itd be in line with what we’ve seen otto be willing to do to save subaru and their other friends (see: wanting louis/spica dead) (see: being perfectly fine with leaving 50 million people to die), and ottos uhhhh slight nonchalance about getting his hands dirty (see: launching bandits off a cliff in self defense) (see: being nonchalant about the murder mystery in the goddess statue side story) (see: ….his various deranged comments like how its fine if 50 million people die if it means saving rem and subaru) (see: his suicide note in arc 4)

otto knows abt rbd and the effect rbd has on subaru and how subaru WILL use rbd bc hes just THAT fucking crazy but also THAT well intentioned to use rbd like that. this is ottos worse nightmare by the time we get to arc 8– hes upset and scared of subaru especially putting himself in danger bc of good intent and his desire to save people. subaru wants to save the world bc its ALL important to him, otto wants to save ONLY who’s most important to him— ie, ONLY ottos inner circle. so ottos gonna be put into a panic. hes gonna double down trying to control subaru so subaru stops sacrificing himself bc haha who cares about all those other people??? i know you do natsuki-san but this is too high of a cost to you, youre TOO IMPORTANT (to me), you cant keep doing this so ill just have to stop you!!

so i think it might just escalate tbh. if otto doesnt know how rbd reveal is activated, hes gonna try real hard to figure that out. if he KNOWS, hes gonna start making up plans as he fucking goes bc i am NOT letting subaru die AGAIN if i can help it. if he finds out about the suicide pill???? time to consider the pros and cons of yanking that shit right out of subarus mouth. some random vollachian civilians just died???? well time to stop subaru from dying bc using rbd is NOT fucking worth it. especially for random ass people. if something bad happens, like garfiel or someone else dying, and subarus about to rbd? oh fuck, guess i gotta consider if i should let subaru die or force him to live against his will. and let garfiel die potentially forever. oh god if i let subaru die will he be dead in this world or will time just completely overwrite what just happened and i wont know?? OH GOD—

bc you know. assuming otto might be the one person knowing rbd in this hypothetical scenario… (or in general just me using otto as an example here—) once otto knowing about rbd gets cemented past a save point subaru has—the next time subaru dies, will otto be left behind in that world with a dead subaru?? or will the new timeline override the old?? its of course the same question asked in like the arc 4 second trial that subaru has but NOW its from a whole new perspective. otto could potentially be left behind in a failed timeline knowing subarus dead in his world but—is subaru DEAD dead?? or did subaru really go into a new timeline??? itd break otto. i dont think he could LIVE without subaru.

anyway yeah i dont think ottos gonna cope well under these circumstances either way hah but for the sake of everyone else otto would hold his shit together until it gets too much. and i think hes gonna rethink about how hes been willing to DIE for subaru in the past—hes gonna think about how many times hes died for subaru before, hes gonna think about how actually he wouldnt mind dying for subaru but he cant tell subaru that or subaru will be upset, and hes gonna think about how even if he dies for subaru now, is it still worth it when subaru will just do anything he can to reset and undo ottos death??? its a WHOLE mindfuck.

and i think if otto was in the situation of “should i tell anyone else about rbd”, he would choose no in almost all cases. its a lose lose if he does—he upsets subaru and he upsets whoever he tells. its a mindfuck to otto already and the dude can At Least compartmentalize. he knows sharing that secret is a hard thing to do, knows that its hard on subaru. at most i think otto might consider beatrice bc shes close to subaru but also like. hundreds of years old so she of course could carry that burden? and dont get me wrong emilia and garfiel are Very strong in their own right but its gonna hit them HARD hard (i think i talked about emilias reaction to rbd in another ask somewhere hah).

and also otto being the freak he is would want to have all the info he can weaponize to help subaru at. any cost. so also in a strategic sense he cant tell people. both bc revealing rbd publicly both upsets subaru and it would risk subarus mental/physical safety… and also bc otto being the one person who knows is like. I ALONE can make sure my plans go smoothly and no ones stopping me. subaru wont even know unless i HAVE to tell him. and ofc otto cant account for if subaru suddenly knows what ottos trying to do (prioritize subaru over literally everyone) but otto would try his hardest.

anyway!! i do think on another level like if otto knows and subaru knows otto knows i think otto WOULD be a good ally. like ottos smart and resourceful and all that— he can be the second strategist backing up subarus own strategy and power (prior knowledge bc rbd). otto can also support subaru the best he can emotionally about rbd— you know, like comfort subaru, tell him hes done his best throughout all these loops, etc etc. and ottos good at prioritizing too. hes cutthroat with it sometimes but he WOULD be good at like going “hey only one person died in this entire battle of hundreds of people, you cant use rbd its not worth it here. im sorry” or something. otto would basically be like echidna in greed if but better yes T^T

but like. i REALLY dont think otto is just gonna take subaru rbding lying down, it goes against everything otto stands for both morally and as subarus friend. but at the same time otto knowing rbd knows he cant exactly control subaru as much as he wants on that front. otto could try anything and subaru might already know everything ottos gonna try already bc subarus rbded before. subarus lived through this before. and theres a special kind of horror in that too of knowing your friend will have these spurts of suddenly knowing Everything youll do, knowing Everything you intended to do and you just know its bc your friend died and went back in time to do all of this now. absolutely horrific this would do a number on ottos psyche (and of course it already did many many numbers on subarus psyche hahaha…)

so in the end like—otto can be as stubborn as he wants and subaru can be as stubborn as he wants but if they decide to fight each other in this hypothetical scenario theyre gonna end up eternally being thorns in each others sides until it kills one or both of them at least once. but subarus gonna win out in the end bc of rbd, itd be up to otto to find a way to at least change subarus mind just a bit and restrict his rbd use some more. thats. uh. the most otto can do :(( be the support………………

yeah and if ottos finding rbd out alongside other people i think that all of the above that i just said would happen but more subtly. like otto would give his support to subaru and his friends (who’re also reeling from this info :,) ) and then in private otto i think would be like PLOTTING. how can i stop subaru from using rbd. how can i save subaru more. what actions do i need to take. how drastic do i need to be. IM the one who can get my hands dirty here in a way that subaru cant. etc etc :,)))) otto, you sneaky guy……

anyway ive considered making a “otto finds out rbd” fic before but never had specific plot beats so :<<<<< yeah like i said in this entire ask i have my Various Guesses on how otto would react to rbd!!

[chasing-rabbits]

Have to laugh or I’d cry and I’ve had enough of crying for tonight. Having an awful breakdown but hey fuck it right because fuck that right who cares about that. Fuck that I’ve been crying every night breaking down since Sunday in fact last night was the only night so far that hasn’t ended in tears but hey fuck that. Fuck that I’ve been progressively getting worse. No fuck it fuck it doesn’t matter, doesnt matter none of it fucking matters so why the fuck do I keep trying for. I dont care I’m not doing this for me so why the fuck do I care. Why should I keep putting myself through this night after night for everyone else’s sake when I have the answer when I could just give in and stop fighting with myself to make the ‘right’ choices.

Just so fucking tired of fighting just so I don’t disappoint others or upset them. Like yes I am aware it’s a shit coping mechanism and yes I don’t ‘want’ to do it but also I do ‘want’ to do it because a shit coping skill is still better than not having any (at least not any that are working rn). Worst of all is how selfish all this is. My breakdowns are selfish. My BPD is selfish. It is inherently selfish, I hurt so much I am in so much pain it blinds everything else and it forces itself out of the shadows it screams and shouts to be heard it paralyses and puts you in harmful situations. It’s selfish because it’s so devastating it causes such immense pain that it can’t be ignored by those around us and when I can’t control it I require others help. And I’m not saying this in a derogatory way I saw something awhile back that talked about bpd in this way & I was prepared to be like ugh at it cos iykyk but the way it framed it actually made a lot of sense and it wasnt saying it in a shitty or stigmatising way but idk I wish I could remember where I saw it because it made a lot of sense unlike me right now. That being said I feel selfish because I can no longer keep everything inside. I don’t have the strength to do it on my own. I feel selfish because when I”m in so much pain I’ll cling to anything that can take it away. It’s selfish because those around me who love me are forced to take action when it hits because otherwise I’m a risk to myself & sure not literally forced but they love me they’re not going to leave me like that ig I’m saying my bpd is so volatile the breakdowns I get are so bad it leads to situations where they ‘have’ to step in bcos I can’t keep myself safe. I feel selfish knowing that just by being in someone’s life by virtue of loving me they are going to be put in situations where inevitably I won’t always be able to handle my bpd on my own sometimes it’ll get so bad I’ll reach out for help and they’ll want to because they love me & I’ll cling to them like a buoy keeping me afloat in a storm. I’m not a selfish person I know this but sometimes I can’t handle it on my own and idk sometimes reaching out for help feels selfish because it happens so often. because people have to set aside their day/time for me, for my bpd & it’s hard because you’re always told to reach out for help but when that help is so constant its hard not to feel selfish, guilty, weak, a burden. It feels selfish to be honest with people now because if they knew how bad I was doing .

[bronzebtch]

nervous energy ft. personal issues (warning: long af) under read. but really im fine! just nervous <3333

so actually. for those who dont know, i'm 25 right? and im asian. there is some cultural context in there but im not gonna elaborate. but like, in december 2022, i was on this job — i was an assistant producer for a documentary company — and i... long story short: i really did love the people we interviewed, the places we've been, and the crew i was working with. but at the same time, the very person who was from my company (cause we outsourced most of our crew) really.... sorta really did me wrong. and ah!! im crying again writing this a little haha. but like, what i got away after quitting the job was that i was .... just this horrible fucking co-worker.

and the thing is, i know i did good. i know i did the best i could with what's given. like i was on my ass everyday arranging the people / the places we're meeting (bc we're dealing with a lot of academics and historians and museum curators etc), making sure the documents are settled and prepared, and having to be on top of the crews' general health whilst making sure we were wrapping on time so we can get to our next location. like!!! i really wanna believe i did well. but i also know i made some mistakes bc the miscommunication between me and my co-worker was so, so bad. and it just.... it left me so scarred.

and i kept thinking, you know. it's me. if i wasn't such a bitch, maybe this wouldn't have happened. but i also know logically its just honestly horrible miscommunication, and it was both our first experience on a back-to-back travelling documentary (hes like,,, 35+ male btw). and my co-worker and i did sit down and talked it through, but i still.... i left that meeting for some reason, like. not the same. like idk how to say it. i got home, and i had one of the most awful breakdown i've ever had. (like, to the point i got nervous trying to pick out a shirt to wear bc i didnt know how to dress myself.)

long story short, ever since i quit my job (ive been unemployed since jan 2023), i have not touched my computer for almost two months. i was so genuinely scared of it. making rhea in late february i think was like, the first courage i had to open up my laptop, and i'm so happy i did, and i'm so happy the friends i did gather here were welcoming as hell. you guys will have no idea how much everyday you guys encouraged me to do something else besides just.. mourning for my fate. i got motivation again to create because i'm writing with many of you. but the thing is... i've been trying to apply for jobs but i cannot do it. i can't. i can't open my email. i can't open my whatsapp. it terrifies me!!! and i don't know what to do, because i want to have a job, i want to keep moving forward, i don't want to always be afraid, but i am!!!!! i am!!! and im so sick of it!!!!

i want my parents to be proud of me again!!!! i had so much potential and i was so smart and i was so bright, i graduated with honours and 3.8 CGPA, and now what am i!!!! im none of those things!!!!! i feel like all i am are my mistakes!!!! and im so frustrated!!!!! and i want to get my shit together so i can provide for my sister and i can go out and eat with my friends!!!! but my god, even waking up sometimes is so, so hard. anyways .... i know this is long, but - if you're wondering why i'm slow atm, this is why! bc im rlly hoping i'll get a job by april :(( i'm okay though. i just. i need to let this out somewhere.

thank u for reading. rant is over :')

[duckymcdoorknob]

hey hey

if its possible could i get an emergency request for haikyuu?? ive been so stressed lately because my adhd (which my parents dont believe) and executive disfunction kept causing me to get distracted all the time and now im loaded with so much work and tests and honestly i feel like im on the verge on the mental breakdown :'( and maybe where the reader is pretty closed off and doesn't show their vulnerable side and tries to mask it with humor

with kuroo or atsumu please

thank you in advance and have a nice day <3

Oh of course you can, love!!

I 100% feel you, so I will do the best I can!

Trust me love, I’m 4 assignments behind in Econ and I still haven’t written my essay that was due a week ago.

Please feel free to talk to me whenever you need me okay??

CW UNDER THE CUT: Implied Verbal Abuse

𝑇𝑒𝑡𝑠𝑢𝑟𝑜 𝐾𝑢𝑟𝑜𝑜

Trying to get you to open up was like trying to penetrate Fort Knox.

Kuroo desperately tried to though.

The day you came into Chemistry, and practically melted onto the lab table beneath the two of you, gave him his initial thought.

‘Something is clearly wrong’

“Hey (Y/N) what’s-“

He peered into your opened planner that was placed your messily thrown belongings.

His breath hitched when he saw the lists upon lists of bulleted assignments and tests you had to worry about.

Kuroo sighed fondly however upon noticing the a doodle of a dog in a Christmas hat.

“Hey” he whispered as the students continued to file in.

“Mm?”

“Will you take notes for me today, (Y/N)? That way, I can work on this.” He finished by grabbing your planner, folder of papers, and a bulky math packet that you were yet to start on.

“Oh? An honor code violation? For widdle ol’ me?”

“Hey nothing’s illegal till you get caught. But please. Let me help you out, you have so much on your plate. I’d be ready to explode at this point.”

“That’s a negative, ghost rider. You gotta focus on class, boss man.”

He chuckled slightly at your witty remark and took out his calculator.

“I don’t have a choice do I?”

“Nope!” He cooed with a beaming smile, glancing at the math packet, “You know how I like my notes, highlights and colors, if you would.”

You released a breath of air in amusement, silently thanking whatever deity was up there (if you atheist idk who you thank LMAO).

After chem, you made your way to a bench in a more lesser known area of the school, ready to make an attempt to study for your tests.

What was supposed to be a relaxing time turned into something awful.

You glanced down to look at your phone to see a deluge of texts and missed calls from your mother.

As it turns out, your teachers had called your mom to tell her about all of your missing assignments and that you were “choosing to not pay attention in class”

The words you read from her were words that a mother should never say to her baby. You were so frustrated that she didn’t believe you, and now your teachers don’t even either.

Thank goodness you were in a secluded area, or else everyone would’ve seen you throw your head in your hands and sob.

But... best friends always seem to know where you are and Kuroo found you. He didn’t even hesitate, dropping his schoolbooks to the floor and wrapping you tightly in his arms.

“You’re okay, love-bug. You’re safe. It’s just me. I’m here for you.” He whispered as he rocked you back in forth in his arms. “Everything is going to be okay, love.”

“I- K-Kuroo- shit I cant-“

“What’s going on? Please tell me.”

“N-no I- I c-can’t. d-don’ wan’ b-bother you.”

“(Y/N) you have to let me help you.” He sounded desperate, as if almost on the verge of tears himself.

“I-“ you sighed through your staggering breath, “J-jus need a m-minute.”

When you’ve cooled off enough to speak, you still found yourself quaking in his grip. Apologizing profusely, you attempt to squirm out of it.

“Hey. Don’t worry about it, take whatever time you need.” He laces his fingers in between your own and squeezes firmly. “I’m here and whatever you need I’ll get it for you.”

“Heh...” you mumble “I need all of my homework and essays to automatically be done so I can focus on studying.”

Kuroo’s eyes sparkled as he smiled brightly “Wait here for me, yeah?” He squeezes your hand and went to his hastily discarded schoolbooks, picking up familiar items...

Your folder and planner.

When he hands them to you, you glance down and become overwhelmed with joy. You immediately set them aside as you wrap your arms around his neck, beginning to cry again.

What had happened?

The numerous assignments had been scratched off down to two, and each empty packet and assignment had the solutions paper clipped to them, so you could fill them in with your own handwriting.

You remembered how Kuroo made you vow to tell him when you need help. You knew he would never be upset to assist you. You just always felt it to be so burdening that you chose not to.

Maybe this time helped to open your eyes.

——————✞♡︎✞♡︎✞♡︎✞♡︎✞♡︎✞♡︎✞♡︎✞♡︎✞——————

[savnofilter]

You’re Perfect

Bakugo x Fat!Reader [3.4k words]

warning(s): sexual content, angst, fluff, mentioned bullying, might be triggering, implied anxiety attack, body dysmorphia, body worship, praise kink.

a/n: for any sfw readers, about first half of the fic is strictly sfw. line “It took you a second” is when it gets spicy, ““Shit… you okay? I didn’t hurt you or anything?”” is when its chill again. <////<

ahhhh, i sincerely apologize to the requester for this being so late. i too at the time was struggling with my weight when i had received this, i hope this makes up for lost time. this hit home to write since its painful to see someone you love go through hating themselves for something they cant control. if there is ANYTHING THAT MAKES YOU (THE READER) UNCOMFORTABLE PLEASE LET ME KNOW! i will fix it up ASAP. as my other awareness posts or sensitive topic fics, i hope this helps more than hurts. 

if anyone makes fun of you for your weight (especially on anonymous) theyre fucking losers. if someone cant say shit to your face they dont matter!! and if they do? they still dont matter. as long as you are healthy you are 100% valid, no matter your size. thank you anon, i hope you have a splendid night! 💓

His mouth danced with yours as you two had finally gotten back from a long day of shopping together. His hands wandered under the cute hoodie that you had borrowed from him, your beautiful body doing it more justice than his. His calloused hands gave your sides a playful squeeze, smirking lightly at your slight moan at the feeling. Just when he was about to lift the material from your body is when you had stopped him abruptly. 

Bakugo frowned upon watching as you kept your hoodie down, shying away from his eyes and not making any move to speak rather than to tell him “no”. He sat back on his heels, your skirt already ridden up, but that too was brought down by your persistent hands. Bakugo’s brows furrowed in confusion, eyes scanning your face and trying to figure out what the hell was wrong. 

“Babe, what the hell are you doing?” He asked, his voice communicating his confusion.

“I-I just don’t feel like it anymore.” You mumble, hand flying up to cover your face, a sure sign that you were lying to him. Bakugo’s face didn’t change at your words, the other indication of that was the subtle change in his facial expression. He moved back, his hands carefully lifting your thighs from around his waist and helping you sit better on the bed again. 

“What’s the issue? Did someone do something to you?” He asks one question right over the other, thinking out loud instead of letting you speak as he gives you more space. “I swear I’ll kill whoever did it, those fuckers don’t know what’s coming to them-”

“It was about us,” You whisper, “those girls were talking about us.” Your change in volume catching his attention, whipping his head to look in your direction once again. He was startled to find that you were crying, the dead giveaway being the wet spots that coated the once dry edge of your sleeves. “How I’m not good enough for you b-because…” Finishing the sentence was hard. Your voice trembled as you struggled to talk, the painful squeezing in your chest making it impossible to think straight. He couldn’t say anything as he waited for you to continue, too worried that if he spoke too soon he’d cause you more harm than healing.

“I’ve been trying so hard to ignore it but, it’s just so fucking hard not to. People always tell me about how I look when I can already see it by myself. I don’t need someone to point out my weight because I live with it every fucking day! When they send me their bullshit when we’re together -- it’s always when we’re together. I fucking hate it!” You cried harder, your emotions coming up and swallowing you whole. Had this been with anyone else, it would’ve been hard. Since Bakugo had already been with you a few times to know your insecurities and aid you back to a level head, making this easier to open up. “Those girls… they talk about how you’re better than me, how you’d leave me because I’m not shaped like the other girls, how--how I’m not your type! And it’s every-fucking-day.” You whimpered at the end of your sentence, your anxiety not aiding in the fact that it was getting so much harder and harder to think straight or breathe. “It hurts so fucking much because I love you so much, K-Katsuki -- it hurts s-so much!”

At this stage in your breakdown, you didn’t even have enough courage to look up at him or inch away when you felt him get closer to you. He was silent as he watched you sobbed, gulping anxiously as he too tried to hold back his pain at watching you like this. He quickly scanned the room to let his words flow for whatever reason, the action aiding him in speaking to you. Of course, he had known that once you two moved onto a university setting that more people would try anything to get on top. Bullying was something he was over and something he had grown to despise. The thought and knowledge of people being awful to you made him incredibly sick.

“Is that what has been bothering you so much?” Bakugo asked, gently getting enough room for him to bring you into his lap into his arms. You nodded as you continued to sob, the harshness before only dimming down just a bit by him embracing you in his arms. “Fuck those extras. Those chicks don’t even know what they’re talking about, if they spent more time on themselves they’d pass better in class!” He huffs. He doesn't need to anything about who there and what their motives were, not wanting to feed into their pathetic bullshit. It was losers who don’t even have the privilege to talk to him for Bakugo. “You’re fucking beautiful, Y/N. Don’t let some nameless bullies get to you, they’re nothing but jealous bottom-feeders. You’re your own person even without me -- and hell I would still be pinning after you even if we weren’t together.” He mumbles against your temple, his hand that held under thighs in a tight but comfortable grip gave them a loving squeeze, his other hand that wrapped around your shoulders giving the same effort. 

He smiled softly once the sound of your crying subsided the more he continued his words. He places a kiss on your temple once he manages to earn a sorrowful giggle from you, nuzzling your hair as he softly rocked you. “Don’t let those people get to you… they have nothing better to do.” He carries, his tone softer than the last time. “I don’t know what’s it like to be in your shoes, but I am here for you, alright?” He reassures. The nod of your head was all he needed as he let you calm down, not moving or speaking another word till you were comfortable in moving again.

He gave you a moment to collect yourself, reminding you of the breathing exercises you often did to get you to breathe normally again. It wasn’t until when you had gained enough reassurance you were able to lift your head from your curled up position, using the other dry side of your sleeves to clean your cheeks. He swoops in to give your closest cheek playful kisses, the feeling of his lips against your skin making you chuckle and move your face away. 

“Katsuki, stooop~” You tease him, moving your face away from him and letting his kisses trail down your neck. He stops once you down at him with a playful grin, your vibrant smile back on your face. 

“There my beautiful and amazing, Y/N, is~” He teases back, leaning in to give your lips a peck and pulling away to carefully let you back on the bed. You take a small deep breath, your hands coming up to wipe your face again. “Thank you, Katsuki. Sorry if I ruined the mood, I didn’t mean it…”

“Eh, what the hell. I would rather sex you up when you’re ready not when you’re someplace else.” He nudges you jokingly, smirking down at your semi-surprised face. “I could get you a bath, queue up some movies, if that’s what you want-”

“N-No, I would like to continue where we l-left off.”

It took you a second before you could look up at him, both pairs of eyes reading each other. You were the first to lean in, his hand coming up to cup your cheek and sealing the kiss halfway through. You positioned your body to face him better, him the same as you two sat at the edge of the bed getting into your interrupted make-out session once again. Your hands gripped the bottom of his shirt as his other disappeared under your hoodie once again, you two letting your hands refuge wherever they could find it. 

His thumb softly caressed your skin as he leaned more into you, you both moving to lay back onto the bed. His hand trailed from your jaw back to his earlier position before you had your break, pausing just slightly and continuing their journey downwards -- in fear of repeating the same emotions that had jumped up when you two had first started. His calloused hands landed on your thighs and spread them with enough room for him to fit between your thicc thighs. His hands gave them a sensual squeeze, dragging up playfully to disappear under your skirt as he caressed the plush skin under it. 

His tongue invaded your mouth while you let his hands roam wherever they so, please. His mouth swallowed your cute and surprised yelp when his hand found its way into your laced panties and gave your bean a testing rub. Once his advances weren't rejected he proceeded to continue rubbing. He opened his eyes to watch your face relax into one of lewdity, quickening his pace to the one you liked. His fingers were skilled in rubbing up and down to collecting your slick, making it easier to rub against your skin and bundle of nerves.

When you had pulled away it was one of the most erotic sights he has ever seen from you: expression needy, mouth open, and tongue hanging out your mouth as panted from the rush of adrenaline. A string of saliva connected you two, the experience causing his cock to twitch in excitement. He leaned down to give you a quick kiss to get rid of it and pulled away to get the rest of your clothes off. His hands gripped the bottom of the hoodie, red and lustful eyes looking up at you for consent before getting the clothing off your body. He groaned watching your chest heave in excitement, hands trailing your sides, and moving to kiss your neck.

“You’re so fucking beautiful, baby~” He mumbles against your skin, giving it a playful bite and sucking on it. “And you’re all fucking mine, you got it~?” He trails his kisses to different parts of your chest and collarbone, making sure to leave it in places that could easily be seen. “I’m going to let every extra know it too~”

You moaned out his name once he continued his possessiveness, hands groping your tits through your bra and fondling them. The soft but stimulating fabric of bra aided in giving you the extra boost of hormones that he had given your cunt minutes ago, shamelessly rubbing against the front of his pants to gain stimulation. 

His kisses didn’t stop at your chest and collarbones, his adventure continuing when his hands went behind your back to un-clip your bra and watch as your breast spilled from the contraption. He mutters to himself at how cute your chest was, the hardened nipples aiding in their beauty. He couldn’t help but swoop in and take a bud in his mouth, already sucking on the proud buds. His tongue swept across the hardened nerves and sucked on them as well, his other hand fondled the other. His unoccupied hand moves back under your skirt and inside your panties, playing with your womanhood, his main focus to give you utmost pleasure. 

He hums happily hearing you moan and whimper for him, your hands gripping the shirt he still kept on. The contrast of how much clothes you two were wearing was making you self conscious, but in the hot, bothered and vulnerable -- and not the bad kind of way. Once he could feel your cunt slicking up he smirked against your skin and continued his ministrations. Bakugo takes two experimental rubs against your entrance, dipping the tips in and slowly sinking them both in at once. His teeth lightly tug at your nipple as he pulls away, letting it go before giving it a teasing peck.

“You like my fingers in you, baby~?” He lightly taunts you, watching as your hips buck into his hand once he chooses to rub over your g-spot from the get-go. “You like it when I tease you like this, Y/N~?” Of course, he wasn’t expecting a verbal response from you. Your whimpering, and nodding being enough.

He let his fingers work inside you, tips repeatedly grazing and teasing your g-spot to watch your tremble and quiver. Choked words came from your mouth, your eyes never leaving his as he watched down at you in a predatory gaze. The corners of his mouth etched into a smirk, unbeknownst to you that how beautiful you looked made his heart race, his thumb doing its work to further its pleasure and keep you squirming beneath him. The sound of your cunt sucking around him was erotic, Bakugo flipping up your skirt just to see the mess underneath. “Fuck~ this pretty little cunt is mine~” He growls out from the feeling of your walls tightening around his digits at the compliment. Surely he wasn’t expecting you to cum this quick, his free hand gripping one of your thighs and pushing it back to let his fingers hit differently inside you. The mixture of his fingers pumping in and out of the hot core and his thumb swiping at your swollen nerves was enough to drive you over, giving him a loud cry he always yearned to hear when you guys get busy in your dorm room. He carefully removes his drenched fingers from your wanton cunt, dryly swallowing at the loss from around his fingers.

“Such a good girl…” He mutters to you, whether or not you were supposed to hear it or not mattering to you once he rips off your skirt, his hands gripping your waist and squeezing your waist. His eyes scanned and drank in your naked state, his cheeks tinting a happy pink on his tanned skin as he thought of all the things he could do to you, his boner officially pressing against the restraints of his pants. His hands trailed your body, giving the parts of your body sensual gropes and held you with gentleness. It was like he wanted to let you know he cherished every bit of you. 

Bakugo was quick on getting his clothes off, ready to finally have his cock inside you. His fingers danced across your way to lube himself up again, pumping his cock as he looked you over. He makes strong eye contact with you, his nose flare in hot arousal. “Are you ready to continue, babe?” He asks softly, gripping your thighs and wrapping your legs around his waist. 

“Please, Katsuki, please make love to me…” You ask meekly in response, your hands circling his shoulders and pulling him closer. His face nuzzles your neck and nods his head in response, pressing his tip against your opening before thrusting in.

“Be careful what you wish for~” He simply says as he hits inside you and holds you close. His pace was relentlessly but not in an aggressive way, the enthusiasm of his thrusts showing his passion for having sex with you. Your hips met with every thrust, body bouncing against his as he moved his hips against yours. The resonating sound of him moving in and out of you was flustering, to say the least, the sound not alone and having the sound of your wet pussy to partner along with it. 

His hands caged your head in as they rested on beside your face and on your plush pillows, anchoring himself and helping him move in you. He peeked down to watch as you reacted to him, from the way your face twitched in pleasure to the way your body moved against his was to put simply, euphoric. 

“There’s my beautiful girl, moan for me, baby~” Bakugo held no resentments in showering you with compliments, adding a little razzle-dazzle to the experience between you two. While some were straight-up dirty some were wholesome. The scale of how Bakugo went along with making you feel better and loved almost made you tear up once again. You swallowed the tears more for your own fear of shedding emotion and not wanting to ruin the mood again.

But that wasn’t the case.

Once Bakugo noticed your tear-stained cheeks, admittedly his heart did squeeze. He gave you a promise that he loves as he slowed his thrusts just for you, his hands coming up to cup your cheeks and give you a passionate kiss on the lips. He didn’t try to make it steamy or long, nor did he pull away to hear you say the same words back. He just wanted you to feel loved and desired in that very moment his words reached far behind the sensual confines of the bed you both sometimes shared.

So you let your feelings out. 

This time it was from the overwhelming love you held for your longtime boyfriend.

He kissed away and rubbed your cheeks as he left you to cling onto him. He set his pace to one he knew you loved, doing nothing more than pleasuring you and helping you move along to your orgasm. His lips littered your exposed collarbones, shoulders, neck, chest -- anywhere he could appropriately reach and where he could find. He kissed the characteristic and lovely blemishes on your skin, the reappearing and disappearing stretch marks he loved to caress late at night, and the old hickies left by your one and only~ He made sure to give you his all.

Your hands interlocked with his as you announced you were close, eyes watching up into him as his hips stuttered to meet your climax as well. He allowed himself to adjust to comfort without restraints. He sat deep in you as you released on his cock, your soft pants leaving your chest. He mutters another “I love you” to you for another good measure, kissing up to your neck and nipping your earlobe and sucking on it. He held you in his arms till you were done, carefully pulling away and pulling out, cussing lightly under his breath as he admired you. 

“Shit… you okay? I didn’t hurt you or anything?” He asks with slight worry, his cheeks tinting red again when you left your hands to cup his cheeks instead this time. You smiled up at him once he focused on you, thumbs softly rubbing the soft and warm skin of his attractive face.

“I’m okay. Thank you, Katsuki…” He pulls you into another hug, his arms holding onto you so tight that you believed that he wouldn't let go no matter what. “I-I love you too.”

You felt safe. 

Being on your own and not in the comfort of your home was scary on its own. But, with the added support of your boyfriend never made you pull away from loving yourself. You hadn’t expected to meet Bakugo or elope with him after his era of horrid behavior back in junior secondary school. You giggle to yourself as you think about old Bakugo and how much he’s changed, gaining a confused look from him.

“What’s so funny, brat?” He asks playfully, his hand coming up to flick your forehead. You whine at the feeling, still smiling anyways. 

“You’ve changed a lot, Katsuki.” You answer with just as much lightness, thanking him when he brings back a towel for you both to get cleaned up. “It’s honestly endearing if you ask me~”

“Save it for dinner.” He mumbles back, cheeks hot with embarrassment as you compliment his character development over the years. He gets off the bed and holds your hands to get you up, giving the same spot on your forehead a gentle kiss to somewhat “soothe” it. 

“Change into something comfortable, I have to show you something that will blow your fuckin’ socks off.” He grins as he pulls away. He get to changing into the settings attire from the few draws you let him borrow for his clothes, shooing you away and giving your butt a playful smack once you leave and smirking at your yelp. 

You pout rubbing your butt and go to your closet to pick out something this time around, deciding the leading choice for the outfit would be another one of his at-home hoodies that you wore out when you wanted him most. “May I ask where-”

“Of course not.” He answers before you can finish, peeking back at you once you dressed already, smiling softly as he hops up. “Just wear something that you can get dirty in. We’re going to make some unforgettable memories~”

[claire-willz]

I want you to know the number you did on me. I want you to know how badly you fucked me up. I can lie through my teeth and say how over you i am, and how i'm doing good now and I'm in a better mental state and whatever the fuck. I mean I think i am? I'm not 15 and self harming and shit anymore, I don't do the same shit I did back then. I don't know if I'm in a better mental state, or if I've literally just grown up. You fucking broke me. You broke my spirit, you broke my soul.You were so fucking mean to me, I still, 8 years later have your voice in my head mocking everything I do, including writing this bullshit. You fucking ruined me. My life and who I am would have been so different if I had never met you. I mean fuck, i was so desperate to get over you I started sleeping around with anyone who would give me the time of day, which eventually lead me to be a prositute because i thought 'i do it anyway but for free, why not get paid for it?'. In this whatever post I plan to be as vunerable as i can be, and in that, I feel like I'm worth fuck all because I was a prostitute. Because of you. 8 years later and saying your name feels like I'm spitting fire, my stomach turns and i get this rush of emotions, love, hate, heartbreak, guilt.. 6 years ago, I tried to take my own life. I remember thinking how when it worked you would say 'well she was actually strong enough to do it, never thought she would'. But It didnt so.. 5 years ago, I had the biggest depression breakdown to date which cost me not one but two hospital admissions in the space of 24 hours, and I remeber worrying that you would find out because I wanted you to know I had changed even though we hadn't spoken in 2 and a half years. I was depressed, the pressure that you still put over me to be everything i never was that you wanted collapsed me i suppose. Mix that with me trying to be a better person for you and never feeling like it was enough because you fucking hate me and honestly, i see myself the way you do, or did, been too long now, maybe after 8 years you changed your mind? just in case you came back, just in case. I don't remember the sound of your voice, I barely remember what you look like. I don't remember your likes and dislikes, I don't remember your traits and hobbies, But i remember how you made me feel. And I know, because ive been telling myself for years that i need to forgive you, and I think i have, But if i really had, I wouldn't be writing this, so i don't know. Everything I did to the drugs I smoked, the alochol I drank, the people I considered friends and the men i slept with was all to get over you, and in return... I got cripping anxiety as a result from all of it. My psychologists says that to me, you represented everything i wanted at the time even if it wasn't who you were. You represented the love i wanted from my dad, you represented a happy life, you represented acceptance and approval, stability, just everything I didn't have and never did have that subconsiously I always wanted.. and yes, you did put me into therapy, not soley you, but you did. You're right, I am crazy, and i blame you for it, you made me crazy then got mad when I was. But what i wanna know, is how the FUCK do i fix this mess you made, they say time heals all wounds but i disagree, a shitload of water has run under the bridge, every single cell in my body has changed, but the time hasn't healed the wounds its caused a huge infection, the water running under the bridge has stopped running and turned into a lake, the cells in my body still crave you and still yearn for your smell and the sound of your voice saying 'stress less baby'. If i could still remember, it would ring in my ears, but its hard too when your voice is basically forgotten in my memory. I don't know how to get over you, I've tried literally everything. Hypnotism, medication, drugs, alochol, sex (and alot of it), I've tried dating other guys,I've written you letters and burnt them,Ive talked about you in depth to that many fucking people its embarrasing, yet I'm still here. Saturday night and i'm still missing the absolute shit out of you and I'm still hurt over you, stalking any only tumblr profile that has even the hint of your existence then feeling my stomach turn when i remember how it felt when you did the things you did to me. Its like its october 2012 all over again, it feels the exact fucking same and I don't know why. I hate it, I wish it could stop but I really am convinced that I never will. I won't get over you, the damange you did won't heal. I hate you, I hate you so much it literally lets my skin aflame, but I would do absolutely anything to have you back in my life. I don't think I'll get this happy ever after I've been dreaming of, I don't think I'll find someone and get married. I wish you never existed, because this isnt normal. The feelings and everything i go through daily still isn't normal. And i wish it wasn't like this. 24/7 you're torturing me. And i mean youre happy now, you have a wife and a kid, you moved on so long ago I'd be suprised if you ever remembered me. You won't ever read this, and i hope you don't. Maybe this is just another lame attempt to get over you, it won't work, but helps the pain for a little while. Being completly vunerable and honest in a 'letter' isn't something ive done yet. The rest that i wrote were all bullshit on how i forgive you and how i dont love you anymore and how i am doing so much better than you ever thought possible and blah blah blah. All lies, they feel real at the time and maybe they are, but when its moments like these that are so fucking raw the truth just comes out and i'm here, thinking of you and hating everything thats happened. I see my life and three sections, before you, during you, and after you. Before you life was easy, during you.. life was amazing and intense and extreme, after you is pain and denial. Its embarrasment and sadness. Evens bandaids fall off, even stitches get infected. Open wounds sometimes stay open. And its your fault. Maybe if you did come back life would get easier for me, maybe i wouldn't hear your voice, maybe I would go crazy on you again. I know i did awful things to you, but were they that awful? I did them because i was hurt, but you did worse too, and you never owned up to it, and yet youre still the victim in my eyes, even though you moved on and you don't feel the way i feel. I am the victim here, not you and fuck you for thinking that, fuck me for thinking that, I'm just as bad for viewing you that way, I could probably choose not too, but its so embedded into my subconsious i don't see any other way to view you. Because i hate you like you were the bad guy, and love you like you were the victim. It would have been easier if you died, not gonna lie about that. If you had died, my life would be easier. I don't mean that as 'i wish you were dead', but i mean that if you hadnt of left my by choice, it would probbaly be easier to deal with. I know ive changed as a person, i made alot of mistakes and i grew up and grew from them which is something every single person has done and yet i feel your judgement in the harshest way for every single one of them. I carry the guilt for the things that i did as if i did them to you, the one i cared/care about most. I don't know how well this explains everything within me ranting about shit and whatever, but i tried.

[turtle-steverogers]

I can’t write for shit but I know you are really talented ,so what about an angst about Spot going to war and he doesn’t make it back and Race and their 1 year old son go to visit his grave and talk to him? Idk you don’t have to do it if you don’t want to but I thought it was a really cool idea

hi! so this is a pretty on brand prompt (especially for a certain upcoming Thing, but...,,.,) but anyway yeah here’s a fic. hope i did your idea some justice!

warnings: lots of talk of death, but nothing graphic.  my shitty, caffeine muddled writing (truly, not my best work, sorry)

ship: sprace

word count: 1529

editing: nein

Just Out of Reach

“Aye, Sergeant, need some water up there?”

“Yeah, thanks man.”

A water bottle is passed up to Spot, and he takes it, taking one hand off the M2 machine gun that’s deadbolted down in front of him and using his teeth to unscrew the cap.  He hadn’t realized how goddamn thirsty he’d been, but it’s fairly easy and not at all uncommon to lose touch with yourself during the methodical cycle of a mission.  

Really, it’s just reconnaissance.  Mapping out the desolate land that surrounds base- cataloguing the unknowns and the possible threats.  It’s the simple stuff.  The required bits that make the more strategic missions possible.  But they still take long as hell and Spot’s willing to bet that he’s sweat through his fatigues by now as he bakes in the desert sun.  His helmet is scratchy and the army-issued goggles are digging into his skull, squeezing his brain and making his head throb.  The water helps a bit.

His vehicle is at the front of the convoy, and somehow, he found himself perched in the turret, calculating gaze scanning around for anything amiss.  They near an Iraqi village, vacated looking buildings lining either side of the sandy, dirt road.

Spot thinks he sees a few windows shutter closed and when he looks to his left, there’s a little girl (she can’t be more than five.  Christ)  sitting on her stoop, knees pulled up to her chest.  She’s staring at the convoy, eyes wide and fearful and fingers plugged into her ears.  Spot feels a pang of...of something.  Guilt, maybe.  Sympathy.

Really, none of these people asked for this.  They never wanted big, scary men in big, scary vehicles shouting out foreign remarks and invading their space- their homes.  

Spot forces his gaze back to the front, willing himself to focus back on the task at hand.  But he can’t help his mind wandering back to that little girl.  There was something about her.  The innocence, maybe.  The simplistic look of discernable fear in the face of something scary.

He thinks of Teddy.

His son’s own wide, brown eyes and chubby, five year old cheeks.  Really, they’re not so different- that girl and Teddy.  They’re lives are so drastically diverse from one another, but they share that same, innate naivete.  The all prevailing look of curiosity that only kids can convey.

Spot misses Teddy.

Granted, he always misses him and Race.  The feeling isn’t mutually exclusive to any one moment, but sometimes the ache will grow into more of a pain, gripping his chest with longing to kiss his husband and hug his son.  Maybe dig his fingers into Teddy’s sides as he picks him up and swings him, planting an exaggerated kiss on his cheek.  It’s a foolproof way to make him laugh.  And if Race is there, he’ll laugh too.  There are some things in life he can count on to be constant, and his family is one of them.

He comes back to himself as he nears a stoplight and suddenly, something in the world seems wrong.  He’s just about to secure himself around the gun when there’s a shout from down below and then the humvee is jerkily rolling to a stop and that’s when Spot sees the wire and that can only mean someone’s going to die if they don’t fucking stop right fucking now and--

Nothing.

-

“Papa, can we go see Daddy today?”

Race freezes halfway through screwing the cap off a carton of milk.  He turns to look at his son and finds him staring at him in all his six and a half year old glory.  His hair is a mess of bedhead and sleep and even though Race had gotten him up and dressed in a decent amount of time for a Saturday, he still looks rumpled.  But that’s just how kids are, Race guesses.

It had been a year since Race’s life took a tumble into the realm of his worst nightmare.  A year since Lieutenant Kelly and Sergeant Jacobs had shown up on his doorstep, clad in Army Service Uniforms and wearing twin, somber looks. 

It hadn’t taken long for Race to piece together why they were there.

That day was still hazy, a jumbled mix of numb shock and things like, “we regret to inform you” and “killed in action” and then there was Teddy pulling at his pant leg and asking him with those wide goddamn eyes why “guys dressed like Daddy” were there and Race didn’t know how to tell him that Daddy’s gone, because how the hell do you explain that to a five year old and he wasn’t equipped to deal with something like this and he still isn’t and-

Yeah.  A nightmare.

Race still isn’t sure if Teddy knows exactly what happened.  He seems to understand that Spot is gone and that fundamentally, he isn’t coming back, but he doesn’t think Teddy understands death yet.  The finality of it- the weight behind the concept.  

It was inexplicably haunting to see Teddy not crying at Spot’s funeral.  Race was crying.  Hell, Race was a mess.  It was so bad that Albert had to take over his eulogy and Jojo had to watch Teddy for a few minutes while he lost his shit in the bathroom.

But Teddy hadn’t cried.  He’d just clung to Race with a tight grip and wide, bewildered eyes, not saying a word.  

“Sure, bud,” Race says, shaking himself and pouring the milk into Teddy’s bowl of Lucky Charms, “we can go see Daddy.”

He takes Teddy along to Spot’s grave fairly often, but he never really knows how much of it he processes.  Like at the funeral, he’s always quiet and subdued when they go, never really saying anything.  Just sitting in Race’s lap, head bent into the crook of his neck as he stares at the headstone.  

“Yay!” Teddy bounces a little in his seat, grinning as Race sets his breakfast in front of him, “I want to tell him about my dance recital!”

Something in Race’s chest cracks open, making him feel simultaneously warm and cold and entirely overwhelmed. 

On their way to the cemetery later, they pass a man selling custom bouquets on the street.  Brilliant mixes of orchids and roses, gardenias and anemones, bleeding color into the cold grey of winter, and when Teddy sees them and turns that pleading look on Race, well, who is he to say no?

-

“Hi, Daddy!”

For once, Race stays a little off to the side, watching his son sit cross legged in front of Spot’s grave.  He’s talking, words spilling out at about a mile a minute, but Race tunes them out.  This is their private moment and he doesn’t want to get in the way of that.  

“I kinda wish you coulda seen it, but…” Teddy shrugs, mouth grimacing in a way that’s so strikingly Spot that Race has to close his eyes for a moment, “That’s okay.  I know you woulda come if you coulda.”

And, well, ouch.

“Anyway, I brought my scarf for you, Daddy,” Race opens his eyes to see Teddy carefully wrapping his little Thomas the Tank Engine scarf around the headstone, just over where he’d placed the flowers they picked up earlier, “‘Cause it’s getting cold and Papa always tells me that scarves help make you super warm.”

Race has to bite his lip to keep from crying or doing something stupid to ruin his son’s moment and, like, breakdown in front of him.

“Anyway, I’ll let you talk to Papa now, ‘cause I know he always likes to talk to you a little,” He smacks a kiss onto his palm and presses it to Spot’s engraved name, “Bye bye, Daddy, I love you.”

When he turns to look at Race, he’s smiling.  It’s big and unyielding and Race fucking melts, because this is all he really wants.  Sure, when Teddy gets older, Spot’s absence will ring loud and daunting, but hell, if he can have any ounce of peace with it then, well, Race...Race is fucking ecstatic.  He can handle this. 

“Your turn, Papa!” Teddy says, beckoning Race to sit down and climbing into his lap when he does.

“Thanks, little man,” Race hugs Teddy close, “Did you have a good time talking to Daddy?”

“Uh huh,” Teddy says, squirming a little in Race’s tight hold, “I know he was listening super good, I could feel it.”

Race swallows, “Oh yeah?” Teddy nods, “I’m super glad, Teds.”

And maybe, really, that’s what this is about.  Spot’s death was a curveball thrown with the wrong hand, jarring a perceived reality and shifting everything Race had known a little too far to the left.  And no, it isn’t okay.  Maybe it’ll never be okay, but it doesn’t have to be.  Spot’s still there, lingering somewhere in their hearts and made real by his memory- their memories of him.  He’s still palpable, still reachable, and if Teddy can feel it, maybe Race can too.

Race takes a breath, fortifying and fond, then smiles.  It doesn’t feel so strained and Race feels just that much lighter when he clears his throat.

“Hey, Spottie…”

-

it wasn’t very good don’t clown me please my brain said ‘sorry bud’ today

thanks for reading, chiefs

hmu to be added to my tag

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[cultofbeatles]

hello reece i am the teach me led zep pls anon yes hi hello hehe idk what i wanna know mabye like ur fave song from each album and basic facts about each member ??? dont be afraid to ramble btw im taking all the info i can get !!!1!1!!! thank u sm ily 🥺

annie i have three words for you... i got you. i already told you this, but i am working on a “beginners guide to led zeppelin.” i planned on it being more giggles mainly, but i'm going back and adding a decent amount of information just for you

fun facts about led zeppelin and the beatles: led zeppelin were the band that beat the beatles record held for most attendance at a concert (55,000 people). on may 5, 1973 (and with no opening act) led zeppelin beat that record by having an attendance of 56,800 people. also! for the beatles movie ‘a hard days night’ jimmy page did the instrumental version of this boy that plays while ringo is wandering around. pretty rad. oh, and george harrison went to a led zeppelin party once and was thrown into a pool by john bonham. 

i gotta say this before i begin though, led zeppelin is one of those bands where hardly anything gets confirmed or denied. at least nothing “controversial” or anything more than basic gets an answer to it. so sometimes you gotta take things with a grain of salt, and you gotta just have the mindset of “well this might not be true so I'm not gonna claim it as so.” with that being said i'll start with getting you into led zeppelin. 

through the span of their short career led zeppelin had eight studio albums. 

led zeppelin (january 1969)

led zeppelin ll (october 1969)

led zeppelin lll (october 1970)

led zeppelin lV (november 1971) this album technically doesn't have a name but we all call it ‘led zeppelin lV since it was the fourth album

houses of the holy (march 1973)

physical graffiti (February 1975)

presence (march 1976)

in through the out door (august 1979) 

they also have a few live albums and compilation albums as well. but when people talk about led zeppelin albums they're mainly referring to these ones. i like all of their albums. i think they're all good. my personal favorites are the second and fourth albums. i do think that led zeppelins music isn't for everyone though. they're not as clean as some other bands are. I will list my favorite songs from each album. 

led zeppelin: good times bad times, dazed and confused, babe i'm gonna leave you, communication breakdown, how many more times, i can't quit you baby 

led zeppelin ll: whole lotta love, the lemon song, thank you, heartbreaker, moby dick, ramble on

led zeppelin ll: immigrant song, since i've been loving you, tangerine, that’s the way 

led zeppelin lV: black dog, rock and roll, stairway to heaven, misty mountain hop, going to california, when the levee breaks, the battle of evermore

houses of the holy: the song remains the same, the rain song, over the hills and far away, the ocean, no quarter, dancing days

physical graffiti: the rover, houses of the holy, kashmir, ten years gone, trampled under foot

presence: for your life, achilles last stand 

in through the out door: fool in the rain, all my love 

i think all of these are good starter songs for someone just now getting into led zeppelin. i hope you like them! they have one movie, the song remains the same, and it’s weird but also good. it’s basically concert footage of their madison square garden show but there’s also cuts of little skits they made? idk how to describe it lol.

in my beginners guide post i'll write more about the members and go into more details and funny facts about them. right now i'll just briefly introduce you to them. to talk about led zeppelin you have to start with the yardbirds. jimmy page (zeppelin’s guitarist) was in the yardbirds until they broke up in 1968 and then jimmy started looking for his “super group.” him and Peter grant (zeppelin’s manager) started looking for the best of the best people. in 1968 led zeppelin was formed. 

jimmy page is known as one of the best guitar players in rock history. he’s usually always in the top three listings. he was a session guitarist for a while and would fill in on people’s records. on Joe cocker’s version of ‘with a little help from my friends’ jimmy is playing the guitar on it. and he joined the yardbirds with eric clapton and jeff beck who are also listed as the best guitarists. he was a soft spoken, quiet dude. he seemed very shy and introverted. but then you read groupie stories about how he had whips, handcuffs, and razors. he was also given a lot of shit for studying crowley’s work, and was known for his “witchcraft ways.” he struggled with addiction (heroin and cocaine) and pulled himself through in the end. but he was, and still is, an amazing guitar player. he also produced all of zeppelin’s albums. so he’s an amazing producer as well. he got a lot of unnecessary hate and criticism back in the day (still does). and you can thank jimmy for all the newish led zeppelin stuff we get bc that’s all on him more than likely. 

john paul jones is known as one of the best bassists in rock history. he was not only zeppelin’s bassist but also keyboardist. and he can play recorder as well. like jimmy, he was also a session musician. jimmy and jones knew of each other  and when jones heard about jimmy putting a group together he called him. he was more of the serious member in a way. jimmy, bonham, and robert were more wild and would cause chaos. john paul jones would deadass book a room at another hotel and not tell anyone where he was. he just wasn't into that kind of thing. so I don't think he was really all that close to the other members. he felt left out a lot. him and john bonham were an amazing rhythm section. the best in history. they knew exactly what to do to stay in sync. he was also the one to find john bonham when he died. so that’s sad. 

robert plant is known as one of the best vocalists in rock history. his voice is *chef kiss.* i love him. he wasn't jimmy’s first pick in a singer. in fact, jimmy’s first pick was the one who recommended robert to jimmy and also said that he looked like “a greek god.” robert plant is just about the most attractive man ever. jimmy liked roberts voice a lot but doubted his songwriting skills so was weary of him at first. robert had never written songs until joining led zeppelin. robert was the reason john bonham joined the group. him and bonham were best friends before the group even formed and remained that way until bonham’s death. robert also went through a lot of shit during led zeppelin’s timeline and honestly i'm so proud of him for getting through all of it. right now robert likes to act like he was never in led zeppelin though lmao. 

john bonham is known as one of the best drummers in rock history. i’m not even kidding. his power behind the drums is mind-blowing. when he was approached by jimmy about the band he denied the offer. and continued to deny the offer bc he had a family to take care of, and didn't know how well this band would be. but it was robert plant who convinced him to join so they could play together. he loved his family very much (a wife and son who name is jason). he hated being away from them. he was known as the sweetest man ever unless he was drunk. the problem was that he was always drunk. he had a drinking problem. he did a lot of stupid shit when drunk. he died in 1980 after he had the equivalent of 40 shots of vodka and threw up in his sleep causing himself to choke. after he died, led zeppelin died as well. 

after john’s death the band called it quits. they all like to say it’s because no other drummer would be able to compare to bonham. robert says that he loved john bonham too much and couldn't force himself to go out there and do a show without him as the drummer. robert plant is likely the reason we’ll never get another zeppelin reunion show. there were three reunion shows in the past. the first reunion was their live aid show which fucking sucks. john paul jones wasn't even informed about the event and ended up on keyboard instead of bass, jimmy was likely on drugs bc of how out of it he was, robert’s voice is awful, and the drummers hardly knew the material. it was a rushed show but it was for charity and i'm sure they made a lot of money. the last show being the celebration day reunion in 2007 where jason bonham (john’s son) played the drums. it’s a really really good show and i cry every time i watch it. you can watch the whole thing on youtube. still to this day it’s evident that jimmy, Jason, and jones would love to do a reunion show again. 

led zeppelin is one of the few groups that can say all of their members were just about the best at what they did. each member will always be in the top ten rankings for lists of the best artists/musicians. that’s really impressive. they were really, really good together. I hope this was a good starter post! 

[bma-2020]

POST-SERIES THINGS, HOW MALLY GOT TO THE OYSTER WORLD.

(Notice for spoilers to Sy/fy Alic/e if you haven’t watched it and care abt spoilers or smthn)

     WHICHEVER method of Mally during the miniseries we go with (Method one: She joins Hatter and Alice on their endeavors when Hatter goes to find her in the forest. Method two: She’s been trapped in the Casino for awhile, after Jack Heart finds out where she is, goes to interrogate Hatter, and she turns herself in to ensure he doesn’t get in trouble for it.) This is how it ends up.

As Bean pointed out in this one post from probably 2014 or so since I was already following bean by that point, that I will forever be linking to even tho Bean doesn’t write Hatter anymore n tries to hide the fact that Bean can do math better than basically everyone or at least me, before Hatter goes through the looking glass to find Alice, it’s at least three months in Wonderland time. That’s why he’s all healed up, has nicer hair, changed his hat, god better clothes, all that. 

Whatever happened, I do have it where Mally was with him during that time. Whether it’s the healing period from being trapped for so long, or just her trying to fix him up because he’s a wreck and in denial of being a wreck, either way, she’s not the kind to ditch her friend. Especially when the new king is the same dude who she was forcibly engaged to before she ran away, gaslit her, tried to convince her to ‘work with him’ and he could ‘convince his mother to let her go’ before she was sent down to the asylum, she’s not happy about the current royalty. That, on top of how he’s treated hatter in the past (I know the series doesn’t go into it but I highly highly highly doubt Hatter was that antagonistic towards Jack just out of jealousy and because he was the Queen’s son, it seemed a bit more personal than that. ) she ain’t about that.

But, she notices just about everything about Hatter. Now, of course, as much as I don’t say anything bc I don’t want ppl to be all ‘oh you’re trying to force ship’ when a: i’m not. b: unrequited shit. c: this was canon for her when I wrote w other hatters throughout 2013 or so through 2015, I didn’t say anything, I avoided saying anything, but Mally definitely has always had some kind of love for him. It’s in her nature, she is in love with Hatter, and she won’t say anything, so I don’t either. We all know how I am, I don’t even tell people when I do ship the muses and would wanna write it out cause yknow, I have massive anxiety about that and scaring people away so if I let them come to me abt it instead its not my idea first and I can’t be ‘awful or terrible’ for being a person yknow how it is. 

Anyways, she definitely would have noticed that he was missing Alice. And, while from how we know my writing goes, she has those reflections of the original wonderland, she has vague memories of the original alice ( which, in the version where she was taken by Jack and put back in the asylum, those memories expand a lot. Thus meaning, she remembers a whole lot more about the original wonderland because she can’t avoid it in that situation.) she liked Alice H, but she didn’t view her as the ‘legend’, she didn’t see her as an ideal, she honestly would have preferred if he wanted to go find the OG Alice, but long and behold.

She’d convince him to do what was best for him.

Even in the situation where he’d be trying to help her out of that trauma, she’d still tell him not to worry about her, because she only wants what would make. him. happy. 

And yeah, that fucks her up when he actually goes.

I don’t think she said that with the belief he’d actually go, so him actually going definitely wasn’t expected. She wouldn’t have wanted him to go, she wanted him happy, but I think inside she actually thought he’d just choose her over someone he knew for three days. That’s her headspace, don’t twist my thought process on this bc I actually ship this specific version of h/attice but mally would still be like ‘you knew her for three frickan days dude’

so she’s extremely not okay during the first few weeks after he left. Jack tried to contact her during that time, he’s still trying to get her to work with/for him, she’s not about that. Even in a completely damaged state of mind, she ain’t gonna go with Jack Heart for anything.

But, during that damaged period, is when the Cheshire Cat comes back. She’s talked to him before, he’s the only one with complete memories of the prior world and the current world, he doesn’t actually tell anyone anything. He talks to her about the Wonders. She does wander off to try and find the Vorpal Blade, and she does. In the process, she comes across Necros.

Necros spoke to her for a few moments, and ultimately when she said she didn’t want to be around him, he left her alone. One of the first people since Hatter to show her any ounce of respect like that, tbh. She does have a moment of time where she ends up in the Court of Swords, learns her mom is a Queen, all that jazz, realizes her own mother wants to use her for something, nothing pretty comes of that. 

But, within a few weeks, she ends up having a breakdown in the forest, she’s alone, she’s abandoned, nobody wants to help her, everyone she meets wants to use her, the one person she thought wouldn’t hurt her left her for a girl he knew for three days. and then Necros finds her, alone in the forest of Wabe, he doesn’t say anything to her, but he does offer her a hand, and she ends up going with him. That’s how she ends up coming to the underground.

Necros, Celeste, the underground just treats her nicely. She’s not used to it, she sees that nice treatment as a huge ‘what the fuck’ tbh, she’s just like ‘idk what’s happening rn but they arent hurting me so’ Necros has Monstrous Crow train Mally further, as Monstrous Crow can replicate others powers and helps them to fully achieve their ‘perfect’ status. From what she understood, they weren’t helping her to ‘use’ them, they were trying to help her not have to isolate herself anymore. With Monstrous Crow’s powers, they were able to develop a stronger version of her brother’s injectables that allowed others to touch her (as, March and Hatter were the only two that weren’t affected by her extremely cold temperature). 

This was a lot stronger than the one her brother developed. They made one that she could take instead. Granted, if she takes it, it weakens her excessively for days at a time, so Necros doesn’t recommend she take it over convincing whoever else to do it, cause they only need one injection and they’re done, never have to worry about it again. She’d have to do it every few days and it hurts her, they tried finding a way outside of that, because she could get to the point of her own power where she can stop it, but she’s not there yet. She might never get there. 

And, she chose to stay with them because the idea of completely getting rid of the Hearts family and bringing the true royalty back to Wonderland (the High Arcana, since the White and Red families weren’t around anymore, either finding a surviving relative fit to rule or convincing the court of fools to stop keeping away from it) and Mally actually made it go beyond that. She wanted Alice to come back and rule because nobody would be more fit to rule than her and Necros agreed, thus it seemed fitting to put her in charge of their operations in the Oyster land. 

Now, a lot of the underground are magical and they’re scientists. They learned methods to transfer back and forth from the oyster world without the time shenanigans that happen with others. This basically means that they can use the looking glasses they made to traverse back and forth and the time they spend in oyster land, when they go back to wonderland the same amount of time still passed. They went beyond the study of realm travel to ensure they didn’t lose anything. 

Monstrous Crow went with her, and the original idea was ‘saving’ oysters that... were better than average humans, and who were suffering in their realm and needed to be accepted, needed people to help them feel better about themselves, honestly because who better to convince to be on your side than someone longing for positive attention. Mally still helps with that, but she’s also going beyond that, and she’s trying to find out where Alice Liddell went. What happened to her. 

She knows that after 150 years of their time, it could have been more for the oysters, and she knows oysters dont live that long. But she also knows Alice wasn’t all human, that there was something supernatural about her that gave her the ability to control aspects of Wonderland. Therefore, she believes that she can’t be entirely gone. Part of her had to be reborn into someone or something else and that’s who Mally’s trying to find, particularly hoping that she’ll be like Mally is and have recollections of the past. That’s her main goal. 

But, there’s another goal she has too. She is actually trying to find Hatter. I think it’s more for closure on her end, to learn if he’s happy, see if his ‘ditching her’ made life better for him. That would lead to a lot more emotional spikes on her end cause, lbr, she’s gonna think abt the fact that he was only happy after leaving her behind, she acts extremely self confident but internally she’s a mess. 

[revenaprovidence]

The Difference Between Two Men

So I dated a guy a while back who is very destructive and manipulative. (I will call him Jones) Through our 8 month relationship, there were several instances where I wanted out. By month 3, I was ready to get out, but didn't know how, because I was afraid of leaving him. Jones would manipulate me into staying with him. He bought me things, bought me rings, bought me a $200 phone, and shit like that. He would also, when I had depressive episodes and panic attacks, would blame it all on himself, and make my problems his fault. Then, I would feel like a jackass for having a breakdown or an episode, and would have to baby him. I was like his mother the entire relationship, and it was awful.

Keep in mind, I have been dealing with depression and anxiety and cut since I hit double digits. I was also bullied through my elementary and middle school years for supporting and being part of the LGBT community. In my Sophomore year of high school, I went through a traumatic experience, which caused me to cut again after 3 years of being clean. Then, I started dating Jones.

I got out of that relationship, and within a few weeks of being single, Jones started to attack me. I started receiving messages like "I wish you were dead" or "I wish you never existed." Ok whatever, he isn't hurting me in any way.

A few days after Christmas, my current boyfriend (he shall be called Dean) and I got together, and celebrated the new year together as a couple. During our New Year's Eve party, my ex had a meltdown and blamed his depression and sadness on me. I get that, I was the one to break up with him, but it had been quite a bit of time since I had left. So what the hell

Three days after, I went on a family vacation. The day we left was the day school started up again after the winter holiday break. I was gone for nearly 2 weeks, and on the third day, I got a call from Jones. Scratch that, I got THREE calls. The first he claimed as an accidental, since "mine and his mother's contacts are right next to one another."

The second consisted of a pissed off me asking what he wanted, with a response of "I just wanted to check to see how you were doing." He also asked for the phone back

The third, which was less than 2 minutes after the second call, was a questionnaire. He was asking about someone on my team, a girl that he liked. I helped him out, thinking that he would finally leave me alone, and he did.

The day after, I got on a cruise ship, and had to shut off my phone after telling Dean that I would text him at one of the ports, and that I would miss him. When I got to said port 5 days later, I had messages from Jones. Some said how he was realizing he didn't need me, and the rest saying "I wish you weren't coming home."

"Good for you" was my only response before he freaked out and got all mad at me, and we made a truce.

When I came home, I started readying my old iPhone so I could transfer everything over from the phone I was using so I could give it back to Jones. Something was wrong with the phone, so I took it to my aunt's so she could look at it and see what was wrong. Apparently, I wasnt moving fast enough for Jones' taste.

He began sending me threatening texts the day I got the phone back, and got everything ready so I could transfer it all when I got home from school. One was alarming, and Dean about went and punched his teeth out for it: "Do you want a violent confrontation?"

I was HORRIFIED. I stayed by Dean the rest of the day, and broke down into tears when he took me home and helped me switch phones. He gave it to my ex, and I blocked him on everything. Then, Jones texted my boyfriend. After a go back and forth, and a "fuck you", Dean blocked him.

I hadn't had a problem with him for several weeks before two weeks ago, when Jones came up to me during lunch and started to yell at me.

"I have a problem with you. You need to get the hell away from this group. You're manipulative and a bitch, and you tell lies, and you control people."

Ok, but what did I do to you?

"This isn't about you"

Keodjebdjfo the fuck??? So you're yelling at me for no good reason, because you feel like it???

During this, I've been texting my mother everything he's said, and she had called the office to report it. She works for the police department, so I was surprised that she didn't call one of her friends.

My brother at this time was standing next to me fuming. He wanted to beat this kid to a pulp so bad, but knew it wouldn't do him any good.

Some kid stepped in and stopped Jones from going any farther, but we dont really know exactly what he said. My ex left after that with no fuss. I started to cry, and panic. I was called to the office, but couldn't go alone, so I went and got Dean for comfort. He held me the whole way the, and the whole time we explained to the principal what happened during the event that took place. After, the principal gave me some chocolate and walked me back to class.

Earlier today, I broke for the first time since everything happened while with Dean. I told him I had cut yesterday, and he began to cry. He said that he didn't want to lose me, and that hurting myself was never the answer. He asked me to never do it again, and continued to cry. After a cry fest and bonding, I promised to never do it again, and to always go to him if I ever felt the need, or needed help, or felt anxious or depressed. He was happy with my answer, and drove me home, and told me how much he cared about me and how much he wanted to stay with me.

I have had a lot of shit boyfriends and girlfriends in the past, but never had one like Dean. So, to those who are curious about the difference between a good man and a bad man, here are my examples, and I hope they help

[ohkimani]

my heart as of now.

my amazing best friends understand my need for space. like the cat i am, being unbothered is usually best for me. but they show their affection in the most amazing ways and i never go a day without reminding them all how grateful i am to them for being in my life. 

we enjoy watching each other grow in every way, like the daisies we are, and discover our strengths. we feel everything just like anyone in their 20′s should. we drink too much wine, trust the wrong people and laugh at the wrong parts of jokes sometimes. every thread used to stitch us together is another story of mayhem and, if we tell it, ‘the funniest shit ever’.

my beautiful mother. her soft voice of reason on the other end of the line, my lifeline most days. sternness in her name, karen, and in her will to make me understand that things will not always be okay but they will get better. passionate in her teachings of loving all but not at the risk of losing myself. she will always be my lighthouse.

and taylor, the sister i never had (nor asked for tbh) but somehow low key got anyway. i think i say enough about my appreciation for her in my life on a daily basis.

all of these amazing people i find myself smothered in love by some days, in the best way, are the threads that keep me together. like any normal person, i have had my loose threads which obviously have had to be snipped and trimmed to keep myself from getting caught on things. but with these beautiful strings that have laced together my better and stronger parts, i walk light footed through my worst days.

however, as of late, i have had to personally deal with the only human being i have ever legitimately grown a toxic disdain for. and i live with her. this isnt something that has just suddenly happened over night, this pure hatred for her has seeped in through the cracks i have yet to fill in my soul. i reached my wit’s end  with her recently when i wanted to enjoy the release of ‘call it what you want’ in my living with my other roommates, before politely asking “do y’all mind if i play this out loud for a second” to which ‘go ahead’ was the general consensus. 

throughout the entire song, she not only decided she wanted to talk over it but continuously remind me how much she does not like taylor or her music. this is something she does a lot but hasnt done in a while, which was why i was so frustrated with the sudden need for her to express these feelings once again. she continued on her rant until i finally paused the song, looked her in the eye and asked her “who fucking cares what you think?” 

im not an aggressive person but after just about two years of having to deal with everything she has done to make me angry, cause my best friend to have a mental breakdown and subsequently move out for the sake of her well being, and send her own roommate(s) crying to me about how unbearable she is, i had lost it. 

i raised my voice, which i never do. i ripped into the core of her being with every word until she cried. even when she was crying i continued to batter every part of her character. the seething words that left my lips were so unlike me, i had to make an urgent appointment with my therapist because i was worried about the person i became when she sent me over the edge like that. it was concerning.

it has been almost three weeks now since that night and after it happened, i removed and blocked her on every form of social media....even email. after discovering i had blocked her on instagram, she texted my other roommate who i was having lunch with at the time and said “i dont know how you can be friends with that dumb bitch” these words still ring in my head. with that, i decided it was time i finally spoke to her calmly about that night. the conversation pretty much consisted of her telling me she was hurt by me yelling at her and me saying everything i said to her that night, with a quieter voice.

i sat down with her and had an entire bullet pointed list of things that i have had to say and would clearly express to her. i told her, to her face, as calmly as possible “for you to make me angry enough to purposely want to hurt you....for you to hurt me and the people i love enough for me to want to make you cry, you have to be an awful person. never in my life have i experienced the rage your entire being makes me feel”

she cried again. but this time, behind my back, she has continued to try to isolate me in my own home. she has turned one of my roommates against me, telling her im some crazy unstable bitch and has tried to do so with the only other person i used to feel safe enough to even look at here. 

i was having an amazing time with my friends today, watching them work out at practice and finally introducing myself to the new coaching staff when the sudden realization that i would have to come home and rest my head in a place where i feel so despised, misunderstood and demonized made me break down inconsolably in front of my friends. the thought of walking into a space i dont feel im welcome in, where i am supposed to live for so many more months is so horrifying that the anxiety has brought me to tears every day for the last two weeks but today being the worst. i am not in a good place physically. not in the slightest.

im so grateful for my friends offering to let me kick it at their apartments until as late as i need to because even though they dont understand how i feel, they know that for me to react that way to anyone must mean they arent decent in the slightest. 

i spent the majority of the afternoon and evening at different places and my best friend walked me all the way into my room so i didnt feel too on edge coming home by myself. i hate it here so much. i hate it with my entire being. this girl is so terrible in every sense of the word and i know im not crazy. im not insane. im not unstable. i have never been in a better place mentally and emotionally in all my life. the horrible things she has said about me to other people i live with attribute to my shunning is so painful and i have no idea how im going to survive this situation. i dont know if it’s going to get better. i dont know how much worse it’s going to get in the future. she doesnt deserve to ruin my peace of mind and she so dense and i cant force awareness on the incompetent. 

i am not okay but everything else in my life is fantastic and i could never be more grateful for the beauty that is the relationships i have with people who have never made me feel this way. 

[unravelling-the-world]

I was trying my best, and another friend who always took pictures of us (we took pics of him as well dw) documented all of those moments, i even used a not-permanent spray color hair for that day just so the pictures could be special. I didn't particularly like myself, I never did ,but I was too busy to think about it. When i went out, i felt decent at least. Binder, thick under-eye red/black liner, just the perfect e-boy look i wanted. I felt that, as a pre-hrt person, I was looking as masc as I could while doing the style that makes me comfortable and I want to achieve. I was doing my best everytime we went out to look presentable in the pictures, and I did well 9/10 times. At some point, there was a light festival as well. I went with one friends and my cousin and we had fun. My friend and I took pictures, my cousin didn't want hers taken but we still interacted a lot and had fun, I loved the pics of that day. I never got to post them, because my downfall came soon after. At that point in time, I was finally living the dream. I posted frequently on ig (bc i went out frequently) and even though i wasn't anyone big, no partnerships or anything, not even 1k followers, I was growing, and having been intoxicated by fame at age 12, it was just what I needed. My posts started getting 70 likes on average and 7-10 comments, i only had 500 followers but they were growing at an average of 20 followers/month. A lil tween reached out to me and told me he thought I was really cool and was my fan. Bro, that was awesome. Things were moving forward, and altough i felt afraid of the future, I was working on it all. I was making progress in other aspects as well,having come out formally recently and with help from my psychologist, we were going to start looking into hrt, and i just couldn't believe it. I only have read fast and short info. I never really wanted to inform myself more because deep within me I was just afraid I'd never be able to get it and get my hopes up for nothing. We appointed a session to talk about that. This was march, and at my house, we watched a Japanese channel (because we are all interested in Japanese culture and such) So I knew the coronavirus was coming. They started talking about it since the start, in december, obviously, because they are way closer to where the virus started so it spread faster there. I remember it was on a cruise first. I knew it would eventually arrive here, so through all summer i told my mother "it's only a matter of time." I knew it'd come. March was here, and the last time i went out with my friends came along. Inside my head, I felt like I knew that was the last time. I had thoughts about "I wonder if i'll ever get to see a sight like this again". I managed to take some pictures, because,inside me, I knew that was the last time. I wanted to preserve the memory of it. I didn't want to forget. At the time, with a friend, who took the same metro line as me but lives further away, since it was just us two, when saying goodbye we'd always say "see you in five minutes" (like in endgame, because i told her the whole movie and told her when they said that and then black widow died) and she LAUGHED so hard and it became an ongoing joke between us (we are both kinda suicidal ngl but we just laugh abt it.) We said it that day as well, but we actually never saw each other again lmao

At that point, in the country, there were about 4 covid cases. Only 1 in the capital, so it had started, but was only just the start. When I got home, i kind of knew that was the last. My classes started, and for two weeks, it was hell on earth. Online,obviously. I got paired up with the guy I hated the most in the entire generation (I only knew half of them, and liked even fewer, but this guy. fuck. i would have killed him. he was awful.) Anyways. Yeah. But at the end, classes got postponed until further notice. So I was now a Neet! For a while, even though coronavirus was getting worse and worse here as everywhere, I was doing good. I was living the introvert dream, and since I have a decent/good relationship with my parents and grandma, life was just great. All around me I saw everyone struggle with quarantine. I was having a blast. Playing sims, watching anime, anything went. Shit was great. Got Gta V for free when epic released it, and had a blast. Got obsessed with obey me for a while. It was all fun.... Met via discord with my friends. Almost daily with certain friends, once in a while with others, but the whole group would be together at least once. It was good, for me. I felt good. I would ocassionally wake up and tell my mother that I was happy, and hug her. I don't think i'd ever done that. I was at peak, and I knew it. Drew a lot, played a lot. Did a lot of things and projects. Everything felt ok...My dysphoria wasn't great during these times (since now i stay in pajamas all day except when I use camara to meet with friends, and obviously I dont wear my binder with my pajamas) But i had so much free time, that I could just ignore it. (I'm good at avoiding things. at running away.)

Classes started June 1st. First day, I had a breakdown. I don't remember why, but I couldn't connect to class. I felt overwhelmed. I don't know and don't like asking for help because i feel useless when I do. So I didn't. Apparently I seemed more upset than I thought, because my dad noticed. When comforted or confronted, I always cry. I can't talk about my feelings without crying. I feel weak for expressing them. Even writing this, i feel the knot in my neck. My dad saw and ended up helping and comforting. I cried a lot. I went to class, but spent the whole 3 hours of class crying. Things were unstable for a while, but I was keeping afloat, I guess. I started feeling like shit, I wasn't happy daily anymore. Online learning felt so distant and so difficult and so different. I don't like change. At least not without expecting it beforehand. So yeah, that ended up taking a toll on my mental health. The downfall started. I was quite busy, but still tried to meet with friends via discord whenever we could. We had some online birthdays, and season 3 of osomatsu san had already been announced. I was looking forward to it so much. I was in pain, but that thought was keeping me going. I started getting worse, mentally. I started isolating myself ocasionally. I have quite long gaps from this period. I can't really recall much of what happened or what it was like. At some point around August-September I was watching 6teen, because my uni decided that starting a semester and compressing it into a trimester was a good idea, and finals were in september, i think. At the time of finals, i was watching 6teen. I didn't wanna finish it, so I started total drama after. I had a week of vacation in September as well, and I think I was OK for the week.

I won't lie. I don't remember october. I only know Osomatsu-san started here bc I waited for it all year long. I regained closer contact with a friend who lives in japan. Halloween also had an online meeting. I cosplayed, and felt good with myself for the night, for the first time in months. But I ended up having a breakdown later that night. A friend who didn't come and had said he'd come ended up arriving very late (2-3AM ish, meeting was at 10PM) He was very drunk. I don't mind. He says he just came to say sorry he didn't come bc he ended up meeting with irls. We tell him it's ok. He disconnects. He reconnects not long after, but we are confused, since that's not his voice. It was his friend who took his phone, a classic party prank. Doesn't matter, it was fun for a bit. This guy is also mad drunk, so talking to him is weird and funny. But shit gets bad for me in a bit. I was using a voice changer, as I usually do online, because Im ashamed of my high pitched voice. But this guy misgenders me, more than once, and also my friend who lives in japan. He doesn't seem to care, and I act like I don't, but it hurts so bad. My other friend who was there at that time corrects him, more than once. I felt thankful to her. I never thanked her afterwards because I didn't know how to bring out that topic without crying. This guy is very drunk though, and altough i doubt he had vile intentions because of the way he phrased it, he insists, that those are womans voices. They talk about it a bit, verbal comebacks. I wanted them to stop. At some point, my friend who lives in Japan leaves bc its lunch time for him. I felt like shit. I just told this other guy "I'm 10" and he dropped the subject, he believed me and the explanation. My friend laughed her ass out, because she thought I said it as a joke. Truth is, that was just a desperate answer to get him to drop the topic. I dont really care if he believed I was 10 or not though. I just wanted it to stop. He jokes with my friend for a bit more. I didn't talk much after, because I felt ashamed. I didn't want to talk ever again. Even now, even with the voice changer, I don't have the confidence I had when I started using it. I have lowered the pitch twice, just in case. My friend left the call a bit later. When she left, I left as well. I was thankful to her though. I don't remember if i cried or not, but it caused me a massive breakdown for about two weeks. I didn't talk online with anyone until my birthday, I think. I didn't tell anyone but my psychologist this.

I don't remember November much either. I know it's my birthday, and I know I came back to tumblr in november. Yall know when. Canon destiel and shit. Tumblr hadn't felt so alive in years. It felt like home. I remember I was having a bad breakdown during that time. I think it was career related. I can't really remember much. The shitshow happening on tumblr Destiel Election actually helped me get better. I remember this only because of a conversation I had with a friend. I started working on christmas decorations as well. December came along, I worked hard on christmas decorations. I played a bit as well, because on some of my classes I just didn't have anything to do lol. Decorations were finished two weeks in advance for christmas. For the first time ever! I was happy. During these times,Nov-Dec lockdowns started easing up a bit. I still can't go out at all though, because I live with my grandmother, so we're supposed to minimize risks. My parents only go out for shopping essentials that can't be bought online. So it's fair and I understand it, but it started becoming hard on mental health. Not because I can't go out, but because my friends start going out. They know I can't go, they don't exclude me, but they know I can't and I also know I can't. I guess in a form, its jealousy. It becomes hard because there's no one to blame. It's no one's fault. I'm not excluded on purpose, but the truth is, I don't want to hear them talk about what they do when they have fun. I've always been insecure. Even when all evidence points otherwise, I still believe, deep inside,they hate me. They wish I weren't in the group and would be better off without me. It gets hard sometimes.

Even though in general December was quite good, it also came with a major breakdown. One of my best friend's bday is in December. Up until then, Me, her, and another friend had been playing league of legends nearly daily. It was toxic sometimes (the game/community, not my friends) but we had fun. I just liked playing together. But that would come to an end as well. My friend celebrated her birthday, and did invite me, but obviously I couldn't go,and she knew this beforehand, so she didn't get mad or anything. She handled the situation very well, wrote on the gc once, and then did a special gc for birthday attendants to talk about details there and such, and reminded friends who asked in the gc to talk in the birthday gc. (this is how i knew, but i think it was well done tbh, i wish they'd just asked in the bday gc instead so i wouldn't have seen it and felt bad about how i couldn't go) My friend also offered to have me as an online guest, like, being in videocall in the computer on the table. like Karen from spongebob ig. the idea was cool, but honestly i felt bad. She celebrates her bday with her gf bc their dates are near, and I just didn't really want to inconvenience them? I mean, her gf is cool and she used to hang out with our group ocassionaly and she was cool and fit in, and it never felt awkward talking to her irl or anything but it's not like she's my friend and honestly I didn't wanna inconvenience her party, and even though I'm sure my friend wouldn't have minded, I didn't want to be an extra inconvenience for her too. I just wanted her to have fun, honestly. But feeling like a burden ended up weighing on my mind. This caused a bad bad breakdown, beforehand I had started to become better,little by little, but these two weeks waiting for that event to happen felt like a nightmare to me. I didn't tell anyone. I think i wrote it about here once. Around this time, an account on instagram called "matsunoadvice" got reccomended to me, and Oh boy Have I gone to them for advice. Of course, I sent them a message at the time, desperate for someone to talk to, because I couldn't tell anyone about this, because all my other friends know each other kinda and i didn't wanna inconvenience everyone. I didn't want anyone to know i felt like shit. I felt thankful to my friend, because she did try her best to include me, I just didn't really wanna inconvenience anyone. I guess I'd rather suffer alone myself than being a pain in the ass for someone else. After all, I've accepted that I'm alone long ago, and since now there's nothing I can do to maintain my social relationships now,I may as well just accept that theyre ending now. I kind of isolated myself for those two weeks, sometimes i would still connect on discord, but it always felt kind of distant. I stopped playing league of legends around this time.

I still hadn't confirmed to my friend if i was virtually going or not. Truth is, i kind of knew I probably wouldn't want to go in the end, bc im Like That™ But i told her in advance that i'd let her know the date of the event early in the day because of how unstable I am and I wouldn't actually be sure until the day (which was true when I told her) So the day of the event i told her that I was thankful but I wouldn't be assisting virtually and told her to have a great day! She replied okay in a nice way as she always did. I don't think she seemed weirded out by my answer. I hope she didn't feel bad, because she's very empathetic so I hope she didn't think about me at all that day. I hope she never reads this, and even if she does, she didn't really do anything wrong and handed the situation the best she could, the pain was unevitable for me due to the situation. beforehand i had also had a similar breakdown though, because 3 friends who i was/am? still very close to started meeting each other to skate together. I don't know how to skate/have never skated and obviously can't go either way, and sometimes they'd talk about it in the vc. I remained calm always until the call ended,but I did cry about it late at night. It's selfish, of course, but when no one saw anyone, it was easier. we were all the same. But now it felt like they were all moving on without me. In a way, it's what I always wanted, but I always wished to die first. I know it's not sane, but i'd imagined situations like that in my head, where I die and then everyone moved on and it made me feel calmer. But seeing that unfold before my eyes, when i'm still breathing here, i'm still here. It felt lonely. I'm glad they're having fun. I'm just upset I can't do it as well? And it makes me feel like inevitably my relationships with them will break and fall apart and dissapear and they're all still gonna be a interwined network, even though I did everything I could to maintain it because it's all I've ever had outside of my direct family? I didn't make any friends at uni or have a different group of friends so it just...hurt? It still hurts, i'm just more used to it. Also after the bday i did try to connect in vc but it just made me worse, like a friend said like "noo it got too wild honestly u didnt miss anything" and i was like lmao ok but i felt like kinda sad anyways but if i was there i wouldve probably slept through it anyways

...after i felt awful bc i have another friend who is just kinda blunt and kinda dumb when it comes to how others feel, and he was like ohh yeah but after the bday [friend] took us and some of [friends gf's friends] to our houses and since it was early we went to a mcdonalds and it was so fun !! and it was just so uncomfortable bc obviously im glad you have fun but like i dont wanna know??? bc it hurts a fuckin lot???? and my other friend who was also in vc (he was the one w the car) he was like "haha yeaaa it was fun" but he seemed quite uncomfortable talking abt it he could probably tell i didnt wanna hear and ik my other friend only did it bc he's naive not bc he had bad intentions but yeah it sucked i was like haha thats great heh.....like what ya want me to say babe

Christmas arrived and it ended up helping me a lot. Christmas is my favorite holiday and I decorated a month in advance, baked cookies for the first time (with my mom) and we just did a lot of things this year. It made me happy and kept me occupied through the pain (I know i described a lot of pain here but I only paid attention to it at night, which is why it still hurts now probably bc i've had it all repressed) And of course the gifts, honestly I didn't know what to expect because this year I didn't really know what to ask for and just asked for a surprise (because i love receiving things! anything) And my dad definetely outdid himself with all the gifts, I loved them and they're all useful too! I was amazed and i told my friends abt it and it ended up in me talking more in the vc again, and i also started playing genshin impact in late december as well. We also held a secrer santa in the group but not everyone participated (mostly bc of money) but the 4 of us that did was fun! i knew everyone's secret santa bc 2/4 asked to me for help and they were mutual </3 so i knew me and my other friend were mutual too lol but it was cool. I kinda was a bitch a bit though bc he delievered my gift to my home and was going to come a random day and I just wasn't prepared bc I was afraid of seeing him honestly I didn't want to see him and I hoped he wouldn't come? He didn't come that day but he did come some days after, I truly wasn't ready at that point anyway and my mom said we could let him inside if he sanitized, but he came with his mother and didn't get out of the car, we just exchanged the gifts, and honestly I was glad, i was polite and just said hi to both and thanks and all! Obviously i love him a lot bc we're close but idk why i didnt want him to come into my house i just feel like im so boring now and I dont know what we couldve talked abt and honestly ive always been shy but now i just forgot how to socialize and i was terrified so when he didnt get out i was just glad.....well, also

I feel like all of these incidents separated me and my friend who had her birthday on december. Now she wouldn't join the vc or gc often (or say she couldn't, which she usually did before) so I just assumed she hated me, but i didn't really have the guts to ask? She still liked my memes on the gc sometimes but not as she used to, she always used to like every single meme (or nearly all) and she never talked over me (I always get talked over except when I'm drunk bc i become a bit less shy therefore more violent) and would even call others out for me when talked over and always respected everything i told her abt me (Through the years, i've told her some of my deepest shits bc i just trust her like that i dont mind if she knows) but it just felt distant? Also a bit before that, at the start of december we started streaming on twitch, and that week i was very bad I told her i wouldn't play much bc i wasnt doing well but I was up for streaming bc i rly wanted to be professional abt it even if we dont pursue it as a career, but in the end we didnt stream, and fell out of streaming a bit after that. I was kind of afraid to ask her if she wanted to stream again, but we'd talked once and she said she'd finally gotten the cat earphones for the streams (she mentioned she wanted them beforehand) yeah anyways i dont think she actually hates hates me but idk the idea still lingers in my mind

uh yeah also i felt like shit for a bit bc i thought she definetely hated me bc we hadnt talked in a bit and she didnt like my memes anymore so i just assumed the worst, i even listened to break up music (which is what i do when a friendship ends bc altough ive never rly had strong romantic feelings for anyone that kind of song helps me move on after friend breakups too bc no one warns you abt how painful these are) and i cried obviously, but again i never mentioned it to anyone (i made a few vague textposts here though) and just got my shit together even if it hurt? lol, well a bit of time passes and everything seems to go back to normal, i dont remember how she told us but she said she had a job now which is why she didnt connect much and slept earlier and i felt relief lol bc i legit thought she hated me and i felt like shit abt it lol i mean the idea they kinda hate me lingers in my mind all the time but at that point in life i was like. SURE she hated me until that point. now we ocasionally play genshin together but i cant really talk at that time and that also makes me upset bc i do wake up late and im trying to fix my schedule a bit by waking up at 2pm instead of 5 pm but it doesnt even matter bc i play board games with my grandma daily (bc its good for her and its fun i do enjoy it) i just wish we could do it earlier bc lately she gets up at like 9pm and i end up finishing playing at 11/12/1 and its just kinda late to meet w my friends bc i always have smth to do/finish after and i just cant make it in time even if i wake up earlier? lol but i cant change her schedule so theres nothing i can do but cry about it

oh also ik matsunoadvice gave me advice on this but like there's this friend who i love obviously but sometimes he just talks abt his meetings w other friends and like it only makes me angry as fuck and i cant ask him to not bc im too shy but i wish he could stop. and also when he complains abt skate related stuff it makes me unexplainably angry but like i have no reason or right to im just angry bc i cant do that and probably never will bc i doubt ill ever be able to go out again ?? lol. and he even offered like "when we go out again u should come and ill lend u my skate and if u like it u can get one" and honestly its all super nice and i appreciate it and ive thanked him and told him yes but it just makes me feel angry inside bc i dont see an ending with all the mutations and shit and my voice cracks when i tell him haha yeah if we ever meet again bc honestly my youth is already over and i just spent it like a social recluse and i read a post here when i was younger that said like lgbt people spend their teens closeted and ashamed and live their teens in their twenties but now im gonna miss my twenties to the pandemic and then ill be too fucking old and itll be too fucking late and ill have to die and i just never lived bc i still havent even transitioned yet and i doubt ill ever be able to (this also causes me a lot of pain but i will ignore it) and the other day he said like i hope i can see u this year bc i miss u and i just said that honestly ive lost all hope of ever seeing anyone again and my voice cracked and my other friend said something related but not so related and im just glad he talked in bc i didnt rly care i just wanted to change the topic bc i know ill never see them again and eventually probably lose contact and see them all have fun together without me just as if i was dead but just didnt pass away and its difficult but i have to accept it and it hurts a lot now but in 7 years itll be fine, just like i accepted im unlovable and will never have a s/o and when i was 12 that hurt a lot but now it doesnt so someday i will be alone but i hope it doesnt hurt anymore.

this is all a mess and the format is everywhere and theres no timeline i hope no one reads it. if u do read it im sorry. i just honestly been carrying all of this for a while now and i want it out of my system honestly bc i dont know what to do with it and i was on the verge of a breakdown for a minimal thing hours ago i just want all this info out of my brain.....also obv these are only the bad things that have happened/good things that took me out of the hole but a lot of good things happened too lol and i skipped a lot of imp points like i changed careers and shit and also i met a lot of cool mutuals since i got back to tumblr and ososan been carrying my mental health every monday but yeah i just wanted the negatives out of the system. the frustrations and the anger. i hope no one reads this fr its so messy

[dearsadgoat]

recovery

recently, there was a major fire in my city. a little before the fire happened, i went through probably the lowest point in my life i’ve been in thus far. it culminated into one night of forcing myself to break down a number of walls and fake fronts i put up around me. these stood for about 5 years.

during that 5 year period i lied to myself and tried to trick myself into thinking i was something else so i could fit in with my rapidly changing friend groups, both online and in real life. i started distancing myself from a number of things, including shows, interests, and friends. i pushed away mlp for fear that my friends who were now falling out of it would ditch me if i were still into it. i pushed away my desire to learn music because the relationship between my brother and i only got worse as high school went on. i pushed away old friend groups for reasons so stupid i dont remember anymore.

instead of doing videos for fun and my own enjoyment, i started making them with the intention of becoming popular. i was never good at those and i wasn’t willing to learn to make myself better because i only wanted the success. the worst part about this was the fact that i did it for so long i managed to make myself believe that this was what i wanted, to be making low effort gaming videos on youtube well past its peak. because that’s what I thought I was going to “make it” doing. it should be noted i pushed away a group of youtuber friends before this, who may have been able to talk sense into me.

to this day i have only met one other person who makes videos.

fast forward to a few months ago. back in june, i started a new job, the one im currently working, doing lifeguarding at a pool. in july, my friends and i did our annual trip to anime expo, and aside from some incidents it was fun. i went on vacation with my family to arizona, and we saw a number of beautiful sights. i enjoyed it a lot.

however, this is the end of the fun.

anime expo, as always, brought me the panic of being around so many people. it isn’t the volume of people however, im relatively comfortable in a crowd. its the idea that i can look around in any direction and see people probably way happier and in better places in life than i am. look one way, i see a group of attractive people in cosplay that’s way better than mine. look the other way, i see a group of friends all laughing and clearly have shared interests, unlike my friends where we all have kinda splintered tastes so we don’t spend all the time together at conventions.

i spent a good amount of the convention wandering it with my friend mike. we went as Haru and Rin from Free, him being Haru, me being Rin.

around that time i was having major self image issues. i gained a good amount of weight the months prior, and i couldn’t lose it no matter what i tried, and consistently going to the gym, doing workouts given to me by professionals showing me no change killed my motivation. i couldn’t get myself to even go anymore come june.

so when mike was stopped by 10+ people (i stopped counting after a while) for pictures and to compliment him on his cosplay, meanwhile outright ignoring me, i started feeling like my image issues weren’t just “in my head” like i’d been told. despite this i tried my best to ignore it and move on. except i couldn’t.

the other cosplay i did was a crossplay of Mako Mankanshoku from Kill la Kill. I actually had the right length/hair color for Mako’s hair, so I saved money on a wig and got it cut like hers. the hair actually looked fine in context of the cosplay, however the cosplay in the context of anything was atrocious.

i couldn’t fit into the seifuku i bought, despite being sure to buy a size much larger than what you’d expect. trying to ignore my brain telling me im a fat fuck i improvised with a white shirt and a light blue neckerchief. with the wrong color shoes, basic shirt, neckerchief, basic skirt, and my hair cut instead of a wig, i was the definition of awful cosplay.

i hyped up finally being able to crossdress in public to myself for months. i’ve wanted to crossdress publicly since i was 15. at no other convention in the past did i have the courage. i got rid of pretty much all body hair, and upon finally being able to do so, i thought it was everything i wanted.

looking in the mirror showed me i was nothing more than an ugly fatass trying to look cute. i was the fucking person people at conventions take candid photos of and post on tumblr to make fun of. im sure im gonna one day come across a picture of me in that “cosplay” accompanied with some text about how embarrassing i was.

so with now both my cosplays fun sucked out of them by myself, the rest of the convention went on, but i couldn’t fully suppress the idea that i was unhappy.

the arizona trip i’ll save for another post, it’s a complete offshoot with it’s own backstory.

these are nowhere near all of the events i feel caused enough problems for what happens later, just the major ones. also there’s no way i can write every single thing that’s happened to me and contributed to my sad demeanor over the last 21 years.

after that though, the rest of the summer is a blur, i dont remember anything i did, and i don’t remember starting school again. i just know i’ve been going for almost 16 weeks now.

for some reason, a lot of things that didn’t use to bug me have been bugging me. stuff that I thought i’d grown accustomed to seeing, like the ever poisonous anti-male rhetoric that this site likes to parade. i’ve been on tumblr since i was like 13, i’ve seen it, i should be used to it and know to ignore it, right?

i guess not. every post i see related to something meant to make me feel shitty for being a guy takes another chip at me throughout the day. despite my best efforts i can’t forget them.

i just don’t have the energy to put up with stuff anymore, and it really feels like im out of energy to put into caring about things. i’ve been feeling like this since the beginning of the above five year period of not knowing why i wasn’t happy with what i was supposed to be happy with.

eventually we get to one saturday at work. two pools are being used for an event, the third is being rented out for a kids birthday party. im on the tower supervising the party when my best friend kaylie comes to rotate me. we chat for a sec, and as i start to walk off, she says my name. i turn around and she points at the water. no more than 3 feet from where im standing, two kids are wrestling in the water. except they weren’t wrestling for fun, they were wrestling to get on top of one another and drowning each other in the process. mind you, this is the deepest part of the pool and it’s only like 4 1/2 feet deep. I slide in, hoist up both of them, and launch into the caring procedure bullshit.

i get them out, tell kaylie im going to get a towel, and eventually other guards start asking me what happened. all of the sudden people are toting me as being a hero for making my first rescue withing my first year. you’d think that’s something to be proud of, right?

yeah you’d think that.

i felt nothing. all i had was that i was doing my job, and if it were like ten seconds earlier kaylie would’ve got them. i didn’t do anything special.

of course that ended up as a conflict in my mind, and on the way home i bought alcohol and spent the night drinking alone.

fast forward a few more days, and i get home from work. it wasn’t a particularly hard day, or any major thing happened, just a lot of small little things that chipped away at my patience, a few comments made by coworkers that really weren’t asked for, and this and that ultimately led to me driving home at the end of the night upset.

i get home, and think to myself im going to unwind with some video games. i dont remember what happened or what i was playing, but some major thing happened that led to me calmly turning off the game and turning to my computer to stare at it for the next two hours, only occasionally clicking to something new.

nobody tells you what it’s like to break. partly because, they cant. the way i see it everyone breaks differently. every breakdown i’d had up until that point had been loud, angry, and full of jerky motions through teary, blurred eyes. they were like someone kicking over something i was making in one fell swoop.

this time it felt like i watched someone pick away at the foundation until it all started to slide down like sand.

i broke, at first without tears, questioning what i was doing at that moment, and what i was doing in general. nothing made sense. my head couldn’t keep a thought for a moment. i felt like my chest was caving in. i didnt end up eating anything that night. i honestly can’t describe how i felt and what i did, it was such a blur.

i started going on a nostalgia scavenger hunt. something i had seen recently drove me to want to search out the mlp meetup group i used to be a part of. i found pictures of me and my friends at different events back in 2011, 2012, and i started doing what i can only describe as motioning a whimper. as in, whatever you picture when you think of whimpering, only without sound.

I saw pictures of me being happy, truly happy. i hadn’t been truly happy in the last 5-6 years since these pictures were taken. at least not for more than the occasional time.

as if on queue, a friend from one group of friends i changed myself to fit in with messaged me. i asked him if he wanted to take a trip with me, and i spilled everything.

i confessed to being a liar, a poser, a shitty person who couldn’t even tell his friends that he wasn’t everything he said he was. i told him at one point in my life i had actual ambition and ways to achieve success outside of being the scummy piece of shit i’d become when i became friends with them. (please dont misunderstand, they’re good people, i just had a warped sense of what i needed to do to be their friend back then)

he let me angrily type and rant and have a major breakdown to him without interruption for almost an hour, and finally he paused me and started trying to talk me through this.

after he gave me his piece on the matter, i turned to another one of my best friends, jacob. jacob was one of the irl friends i went to meetups with, and we’ve been friends since middle school. we’re closer than anyone else i know i’d bet, even closer than kaylie and i.

because of time differences, our conversation lasted the next two days, basically telling him everything, that i wasn’t happy with myself, that i haven’t been happy with anything for a long time. the only thing that mattered to me in his response was that nothing was different between us. he said he was going to a therapist soon, and said that i should try it. i have not, and i dont plan to for fear of what i might find out. still, everything he said i took to heart and i thank him for it.

at this point, i decided that i could fix all of this, that i could make myself someone i’d like to be. i was going to work hard and no matter what i wasn’t going to break like that ever again. nothing was going to stop me, no matter the odds.

someone up there must love testing my patience.

a week later, the fire happened. within the span of an hour i had gone from coming home from a test, to helping my mom with the recycling, to rushing home because the sky over our house was brown. the next few hours was me running on no food, a sweaty, ash-covered mess, to get everything of importance out of the house. everything that was too hard to replace was taken. as painful as it was it meant leaving behind just about everything that had value to me, as i took only the things that mattered in a worldly view, not a personal view.

God listened to my prayers that day, and the fires burned half a mile from my house, but no closer. The trail i walked a thousand times growing up was no more. it’s about 4 houses down from mine, to give perspective. everything was black and soot, trees stood with burn marks and missing leaves. The creek was dried up. everything is a mess. i walked out and took pictures of it a few days after, just for memory sake.

that day was a test to see whether or not I was actually going to keep my word. i didn’t break that day, despite wanting to often, and i did what was most important for my family.

since then, i’ve shuffled around a lot of different aspects of my life. a lot of things are changing, and im not comfortable with a lot of them. however, these are good changes. i have to make myself uncomfortable to be able to find what i belong to once again.

and i hope and i pray that this is going to be the time i prove to myself i can break out of this

[westmeath]

i'm new to the who, all i've listened to is quadrophenia and the odd song here & there off other albums. i know the most basic basics but other than that ? nothing. so what are some fun facts? interesting stories? important things fans should know? idk tell me what you'd say to a new fan

WHOOPS MY APOLOGIES I didnt see this till now, thank you so much for your ask!!! I’ll put this under a read more cause itll probably end up being very long, I hope I can get you more interested in them

its good youve listened to that much even, i hadnt listened to ANYTHING when i first got into them except like, the Iconic Songs (who are you, baba o riley, my generation, wont get fooled again, and id never even listened to those purposely i only knew em from just general knowledge), it actually took me quite a while to listen to their actual music cause i was more interested in the story of the band and its members for the first while

theyre one of the bands with the most interesting stories so i hope i can get you as interested in that aspect of them as i was when i first got into them (and still am, i go mad for any new stories i can hear about em, and love hearing different perspectives of stories ive heard before)

this is goin to be an utter mess i apologise, there are MANY many interesting stories but some off the top of my head are uh… well theres the iconic keith moons 21st birthday where he allegedly drove a lincoln continental into the swimming pool (this turned out to be a story keith made up though just for shock value)

that party was still amazing though, keith had actually left early cause hed chipped his tooth and was at some emergency dentist, it was mostly the rest of the guests at the party that wreaked havoc, eg just trashing the place, spraying fire extinguishers over cars in the car park that stripped all their paint, fairly sure it didnt end till the guards were called

i actually dont think any of the who were involved after keith left at all. john had gone with keith to the dentist, pete had gone to bed, not sure what roger was up to honestly but probably something the same as pete, despite this the who were Allegedly banned from holiday inns for life (but from what ive heard stayed in another one the next week and numerous times after)

heres another interesting story about him thats a bit lesser known, ill link it cause ive posted it before and also to save space

thinking about it, most stories that are widely told are to do with keith.. hes definitely the most interesting member of the band, in the words of uh. Many People hes just like no one else youve ever met, a very interesting character.. hes probably the main force behind my interest in the who in the beginning, i loved learning about his life the most (although that said i havent got a ��favourite member’ of the band, i think theyre all incredibly cool and interesting and i love learning about all of them)

SORRY THIS IS already getting really long and i havent even scratched the surface… ill just say like, the whole band is full of really interesting characters, and its really interesting learning about all of them… like keith just for being absolutely different from everyone else, how above it all he really just did all his Wild Antics to make people laugh and be happy, seemingly at the cost of his own mental health (its believed he had bpd, and also obviously struggled with alcohol abuse and drugs too) (its more complicated than that though obviously but there is already a whole book delving into that subject and i fucking adore it if you want to read it, its called dear boy: the life of keith moon)

petes also incredibly interesting cause he was like.. the driving force of the band i suppose youd say. wrote (mostly) all the songs, came up with the stories behind tommy and quadrophenia (and lifehouse, which was so complicated no one could understand it, leading to him eventually having a breakdown and having to scrap the project, the songs on it eventually became whos next) its also really interesting (and quite sad) learning about his childhood and also his own struggles with mental health/alcohol (and drugs, hard drugs moreso in the 80s)

ill admit straight away that i dont know much about roger compared to the other members of the band, but hes interesting in his own way as well like, hes almost the complete opposite of the other members of the band in terms of alcohol/drug abuse, i dont think he ever went near drugs (except for a while in the early 60s, i believe), im not sure how he was with the drink but nowhere near as bad as the rest of the band probably. i know my dad likes him a lot cause hes a farmer (bought his farm in the early 70s with the wealth brought by the tommy album) which is something i can admire too seeing as im also a farmer although on a much smaller scale. hes also seemingly a really nice person (despite his love for a good punch up, in the early who days at least.) like hes very down to earth, working class, not all high and mighty like.. just very nice to listen to. would be excellent for a chat.

and johns interesting just cause hes a complete fucking mystery. according to pete he had no addictions except like. shopping.. he was called the “quiet one” even though he was far from it, just probably didnt really run his mouth (hardly ever spoke on stage but when he did it was always fantastic. eg him telling the crowd to “shuddup” in a death growl when theyre chanting for bell boy before a live recording of behind blue eyes) also he was probably the closest member to keith, went clubbing with him (a quote from keith is “I go to clubs with John. He’s big,”) a lot and often joined in with him when he was smashing up/exploding bits of hotel. also in terms of being an utter mystery like, theres not an awful lot known about his life, for example apparently he was a freemason “all his life” and pete never found out till after he died

i am so sorry this is TERRIBLY terribly long but listen i could go on about this even longer. ill stop now though cause its confusing enough already… please though if youve any questions about specifics or the likes please feel free to send more asks OR IF YOUD LIKE YOU CAN MESSAGE ME!!! id love to have a proper 1on1 convo where you can ask all the questions your heart desires and stop me if theres something youd like me to expand on and the likes. id absolutely love that

THAT GOES FOR ANYONE ELSE INTERESTED TOO!!! i fuckin love talking about the who and itd be fantastic to put my knowledge to use (and maybe learn a thing or too as well.) like either through tumblr messenger is grand (although i mightnt notice it for a while) or you can grab my skype or discord or somethin. even the messenger on twitter. my skype is fruity-pear, my discord is kaisuke#1387 and my public twitter is jjughead_ or my personal/friends one is kkaisuke

as a last thing for the “important things fans should know” UHH LIKE new fans id say like… if youre getting really deep into the story of the who be prepared cause theres a lot of bad stuff, sad stories as well as good ones. the band members all did some bad things like any other human, had bad things happen to them, like this is Real Life Shit and theres no sugar coating it, it really is worth it to learn about the band though and even the bad stuff is interesting to learn about, from an outsiders view

thank you again so so much and i apologise again for how long this is, i dont blame you if you dont read it all. i hope this is of some use to you though (or to anyone else) and that it makes you want to learn more about them

[wendyimmiller]

Gardening When You Really Don’t Wanna

The most dreaded thing I’ve ever had to face was to be dragged along while my mom took my sisters shopping. Any time this happened, it was beyond awful. A purgatory of boredom and sadness that could last anywhere from endless to eternal.

Picture it this way: I’m an otherwise happy, well-adjusted 5-8 year old boy, but I’m being held hostage in a cavern of clothes racks at some store for the 6th or 7th hour and my arm is being held straight up above my head. All the blood it ever contained has drained from it hours ago, my wrist is gripped white-knuckled tight by an unbelievably strong, terrifyingly frustrated, and appallingly unsympathetic mother, and she is yanking my arm right and left to emphasize each and every syllable–my whole body violently following each yank–from some variation of a sentence that starts with “Mister, you had…” and ends with …”something to cry about.”

Any expedition to go buy clothes was like this. Totally unendurable. But the worst of the worst death marches were treks for Easter outfits. Worse than that? Shoes. Easter outfits? I want to cry right now just thinking about it. What absolute zero is to physics about describes the absolute misery caused by Easter shopping. But, somehow, shopping for shoes was even worse.

There is no telling the amount of pain that went into making this photograph possible.

If I remember right, the main issue with shoes was that one of my sisters had skinny little feet and, for her, there were always several choices of adorably cute shoes. Amazing how much time could leave the universe while deciding exactly which pair, but at the end of the day she went home with nice shoes. On the other hand, my other sister had wide feet and needed “corrective” shoes. This was the double whammy of terrible luck for her and me. The best she ever found were shoes that nuns wouldn’t even wear. Me? A fate that consigned me to dangle from one arm in store after store after store as my mother led us all–wild in sorrow–in an ever widening migration of despair, shoe store to shoe store in what we all knew was a vain pursuit of a cute pair of wide “corrective” shoes.

The sound of this misery–moaning, whining, complaining, crying, and my mother’s hissing, cursing attempts to make it stop–steadily built to a crescendo of unhappiness that–thinking about it–NASA should have recorded and then perpetually beamed into space so as to deter hostile aliens from having any interest in our planet.

Anyway, this is how I spent somewhere around a quarter of my childhood.

And this same level of misery about describes a quarter of my gardening chores. That’s right. Gardening ain’t all wine and roses. You see, I’m not in it for the motions. I don’t garden because I like to push a mower around the yard in a certain pattern. I never have a hankering to go turn a compost heap, or haul brush to the woods, or spread 15-20 yards of mulch. I don’t like trying to figure out why my well-pump isn’t working, and it’s been a very long time since I found anything compelling about digging a hole.

Those activities are merely a means to an end, and the end is a beautiful garden with all the benefits therein: a backyard oasis, a refuge for wildlife, and a safe place to enjoy the sweetest kind of peace on Earth. Bonus credits for a contented wife, adulation from strangers during garden tours, and for a green vegetative kind of privacy that allows open, carefree peeing in the middle of the backyard at any time on any given day during the growing season.

Indeed. All this, not pulling weeds, is why I garden.

And yet even as we speak, here in football season, I have sacks and sacks of bulbs to plant before the ground freezes. It’s been a hard year, I’m kind of gardened out, and no matter how much I try to focus any ESP powers I’ve got, those bulbs just are not going to plant themselves. This, all because I heard Brent Heath speak back in May, got all excited, and placed a big order.

So I will do what I’ve always done: make excuses, put the task off, and try not to think about it too much. And I will do these things for week after week. In certain times when I’m feeling the urgency more greatly, I’ll quietly wish for an injury or a breakdown that will serve as an adequate excuse for failing to get them planted. Eventually however, the day will inevitably come when there’s no room for even one more second of procrastination.

And there I’ll be, on my knees, cold, slimy soil chilling me to my bones, a bitter wind rasping at my face, trying not to smell the dog crap that got on my jeans because it was camouflaged in the leaves, and suffering strange, phantom jerking motions in my right arm. Inside, on TV, The Ohio State Buckeyes are defeating Michigan again. There’s guacamole on the counter. Beer in the fridge. But I’m not inside. I’m outside, and cursing the hell out of that smooth talking Brent Heath.

Another time it’ll be summer. 100 degrees out. And I’ll be cutting down a skanky old crabapple and every single twisty, pokey, gnarly, and ugly branch will have made up its mind to fight me every step of the way. Whatever I want, they’ll want the opposite. They’ll gouge at my eyes. They’ll gash my skin. Nasty, itchy stuff will fall down the back of my shirt. I’ll be sweating, bleeding, and pissed off. There will be no easy angle to position for any single cut. Brush will tangle underfoot. Each of a hundred logs will not stack without a brute force battle of wills, and not one piece of brush will go into the truck and stay there until I’ve discovered–by endless repetition only–the mystical combination of cuss words that will unlock the system. And it’ll suck.

A crabapple displaying full on winter interest in the middle of summer.

Or, it’s mid spring in Ohio and like a complete freakin’ idiot I again jumped the gun and planted out a bunch of tender stuff. I get home from work after dark, it’s 35F and raining, and they’re calling for a hard frost. And, like a damned soul in a Renaissance painting, I’ll inconsolably drag myself outside, and for the next fours hours I will–in fits and starts–construct the world’s twelfth largest shanty town in the backyard from whatever little bits of scrap wood, chunks of rock and rubble, some string, tape, old sheets, blankets, and filthy leftover plastic sheeting I can find in a panicked effort to save a bunch of annuals, tropicals, vegetables, and some expensive fern that Tony Avent said was hardy to Zone 7b, (at least) from a cold, lonely, continental, Z6a, untimely death.

Fun times.

Here’s what follows that: You drag yourself back inside, take a forever long hot shower, down a few shots, and, sitting there as surly as sin, you think really dark and dirty thoughts. Other people aren’t doing this shit. Other people live in condos. They have their thermostats set at “Giant-Ass Carbon Footprint.” So warm they’ve been forced to strip down to teddies and speedos. They’ve over-eaten a fabulous dinner and drank a bottle of wine they don’t even know enough to appreciate. Yep, you were having a cold, wet piece of plastic that smelled mind-blowingly bad whipping back and forth across your face as you, both hands engaged, tried to tack it down over a row of tomato plants, and those condo people were living a bacchanalian existence. And you loathe them.

And, yet, you garden on.

Honestly, I’m mystified. Where does the fortitude come from that gets gardeners outside to suffer through odious tasks under miserable circumstances simply because they need to be done? I don’t know. Really don’t. But I’ve done it. Over and over and over again. And my gardening friends have all done it too. I don’t know, reminds me of something that parents used to toss off at you with a smirk: “Hey, it builds character.” Maybe gardeners have that.

But, I will say this. Winter is long and it dies hard. It rears its ugly head again and again before it’s finally defeated, and there ain’t no better tonic for that than the almost tearful joy a garden full of blooming bulbs brings. They fill the heart, God bless them, combating cold and gray with color and fragrance.

And then comes summer. Hot and humid. Sometimes you just want to run from the house to the car, from the car to the office, and then back again. A/C to A/C. An inside, artificial existence devoid of anything that stokes our human nature. But under a shade tree you’ve tended for years, you can enjoy a tall drink and the hordes of butterflies, bees, and hummingbirds that come to visit that Lantana you saved. And then can pick some of your own tomatoes right from the vine and bring them in for the BLTs you’ll have for supper.

Some other time you’ll find yourself looking at the empty space where a scabby, rusty crabapple once lived, and you will take huge and vicious satisfaction in knowing that it was living its hideous existence and then you sawed it down. It was ugly and now it’s not. It’s gone. And you’re totally responsible. And, yet, you live as a free man. You feel no guilt. Nope. You feel joy. It poked your eyes. It raked your skin. It hurt your back. But all that’s over now. You’ve got a drink, and you’re smiling almost fiendishly as you enjoy the lovely aromas of ribs roasting in its smoldering wood.

You just try not to think too much about the stump you chose not to grub out. Nor that day sometime in the future when you’ll roll in a 400-pound, balled and burlaped, plant du jour that some speaker at some conference got you all excited about. Yeah. Sure enough. That day will come, and it will be woeful. But that’s just how it is. That’s how it’s meant to be. To have this, you gotta do that. And you’d have it no other way.

Gardening When You Really Don’t Wanna originally appeared on GardenRant on September 25, 2019.

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