#DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY TABS I HAVE OPEN ON MY COMPUTER RIGHT NOW

[ivy-and-ivory]

Hey :) So the next time you hear me start to say :) hmmmm :) maybe I should set this fic in a highly specific real-world location :) that might be kind of fun :) the next time I say that :) please :) for the love of god :) somebody :) fucking :) stop :) me :)

[tau1tvec]

INSTALLING// GShade + ReLight for The Sims 4

I've been getting a lotta asks about how I got the up to date GShade working with ReLight ( ALPHA ), so here's a mostly quick tutorial, that will hopefully get it working properly for you too!

Firstly, download and install GShade, unless you've already got it installed, then just be sure it's up to date.

Click, or right click pics below and open in a new window to see them in more detail.

Now I don't currently have it installed into any of my games, bc I mainly use Reshade 2, so if you need to know how to do that, you're in luck! I'll walk you through it.

Click Add New.

Then locate your TS4_x64.exe, except if you're fully updated, in which you'll need to locate your TS4_DX9_x64.exe, but only if you plan to opt out of using DX11, then click Next.

This will open another window with a bunch of ticked boxes, and tbh I didn't mess with any of these. Many them are greyed out anyway, and it all works fine for me.

So if yours look like this, then you should be fine too.

Lastly, at the bottom you can preload some presets if you like, but it's purely up to you. They aren't required.

When done, click Install.

There will be another window that asks you where you'd like to save your pictures. Once again, this is purely up to you, click Browse to locate your preferred folder, or if you use programs like Nvidia for screenshots, just ignore it, and click Finish. Then when it asks if you're okay with the chosen location, click Yes.

Once you've finished, TS4_x64.exe should show up in the Installations tab of your GShade installer, which means you're part way there! Now, click on the Custom Shaders & Textures button at the bottom, this will open the folder where you need to install ReLight.

Locate your ReLight_ALPHA_0.2 download. Mine was in my Downloads folder. Double click it, or unzip it, and you'll find a couple folders inside it.

Click or right click pics below and open in a new tab for more detail.

Here's a side by side comparison of the GShade Custom Shaders folder we just opened, and the ReLight_ALPHA_0.2 folder we unzipped and opened, so you can see how there are two identically named folders. The goal is to put whatever is in the Shaders folder of the ReLight folder, into the Shaders folder of the Custom Shaders folder, and then repeat this process again for both Textures folders, until they end up looking like this...

In conclusion, your GShade Custom Shaders > SHADERS folder should have these two files in it...

While your GShade Custom Shaders > TEXTURES folder should have this .png in it...

Good? Now let's turn on The Sims 4.

When you've opened you game, load your save ( idkw, but the GShade UI won't open in the menu screen ), then hit Shift + Backspace on your keyboard to open up the GShade UI. You can choose to go through the tutorial, or skip it. Either way just keep clicking continue or OK until you get to the Home panel. Now, I've got a preset already, if you've got one too, good, activate it, if you don't there should be like a default one you can use until you create one or get one. Main goal at this moment is to find ReLight in the list of shaders, and activate it so we know it works. Tick the Performance Mode box at the bottom, and scroll down 'til you find this...

This list should be alphabetized so just scroll down to the Q's, then tick the box beside it. Then click Active to Top, and scroll back to it. One thing I would suggest is binding it to a key ( right click while hovering over it ), this will make it easier to find if you lose it again, since clicking Active to Top also recalls any shaders that are bound, even if their box isn't ticked ( isn't active ).

I've bound mine to F8, but it's up to you what you wanna use, I only suggest it be F6 or above, since The Sims 4 already uses F1-F5 I believe.

Oh, and whenever you're done messing around with it, be sure to untick Performance Mode, so your computer won't beat your ass.

[tennant-davids]

Using Neural Filters to colour correct

i’ve had a couple of people ask about how i’ve coloured the pocket dimension scenes so i thought i’d just do a run-through tutorial kind of thing to show it, rather than going through it with everyone separately.

so this is a tutorial for how i made this:

from this:

follow along under the cut:

so just some things to point out before we move on which are essential and could get in the way of this working for you:

you will need adobe photoshop cc - v.22 or above. any versions older than this won’t work. you can find what version you currently have by opening photoshop, clicking ‘help’ on the top toolbar, and selecting ‘about photoshop’. my current version is 23.2.2.

you should know how to make a gif from frames, use timeline and work with the gif as a smart object. if you don’t know what i mean, i’ve tried to explain it briefly below.

using neural filters is resource heavy so expect photoshop to be slow in processing/exporting/saving anything you use them on. it might be worth having other programs closed while you use it if your computer has a lower or mid-range spec.

and so... 

1. make your gif to do this, import your frames, crop, set frame speed etc however you normally would. if you usually make gifs with the animation bar set to ‘frame animation’, you will need to change this so that you can create a smart object. you will need to press the button with the video timeline symbol on your animation bar:

then you should select all your layers (not frames as you shouldn’t see them anymore) and right-click > convert to smart object:

you should leave your animation in timeline mode, but the purpose of the smart object is so you can add smart filters. this is especially good for things like sharpening, any effects you want to add, and of course... neural filters.

2. brighten the image and convert to black and white contrary to what we’re trying to achieve here, you should change the image to black and white and brighten it up so that you have as smooth and plain a base for the filters to apply to. 

i do this by adding a black and white adjustment layer, and clicking ‘auto’ on the properties tab:

you should then add a ‘levels’ adjustment layer and drag the right tab along until it meets the beginning of the histogram. you should also move the left tab along a little bit for some contrast - how far depends on how you want your gif to look:

following this, select the smart object and two adjustment layers > right-click > convert to smart object. you don’t have to do this but i find it helps and it reduces the number of layers you have to work with.

my gif now looks like this: 

3. adding the neural filter now your image is about to change in a huge way. click on filter on the top toolbar and select ‘neural filters’:

from here, you will see this screen and a bunch of current filters and beta filters on the right-hand side. you may have to download them to get them to work. for this, we’re using ‘colorize’ so at least make sure you have that one downloaded and ready to use:

when you turn the ‘colorize’ filter on, after processing (this can take a few seconds), your image now looks like this:

(note: this gif is an exception in how well it turned out first time - the filter has applied evenly minus a couple of issues i’ll go over below. how successful it will be depends on how much movement is in the clip, or how many colours it will need to find, and it sometimes gets confused with dark and light tones. you’ll find most of the time that the gifs will have patches that aren’t coloured, or will have incorrect colour correction that you’ll need to go in frame-by-frame and patch in by hand. the filter does do a lot of heavy lifting though.)

you can then play around with the saturation (i usually reduce it to -10) and the colours similarly to how you would in ‘colour balance’, however it has a more all-over even tone:

the last thing you need to do is select ‘smart filter’ on this drop-down menu:

if you don’t change it to smart filter, the filter will only apply to the frame you can currently see and won’t apply to the whole animation.

my gif now looks like this:

this might be enough for you in which case great news! you get to stop here, apply whatever sharpening and colouring you want, and save as normal!

however, i’m a perfectionist to a fault so i need to do a few more things first...

(note: it’s always worth doing the next step even if you’re happy with the finished product here, just in case you missed a spot)

4. check the filter has applied throughout the whole gif you’ll see that you now have a much more even base to work from and colour your gif as normal, however neural filters aren’t perfect and do leave funny little glitches throughout your gif sometimes. in order to check this, i usually scrub through to see if there are any issues. in this gif, i spotted two.

in these two areas - on the moving gif - i can see the colouring flickering. the filter hasn’t applied the right colour on every frame, or simply hasn’t coloured it at all:

this gif isn’t the worst offender for this, but if you look closely you’ll see it. so...

5. make a new layer and fill in the flickering areas press the ‘new layer’ button:

and now use the ink dropper tool to pick up the colour you want to use, and paint over the area where the colour is flickering - e.g. i used the dropper to pick up the colour from the desert in the background and painted over that area. i also picked up some of the colour from the sky and coloured over the flickering by the storm. i used these brush settings:

when you’ve painted on the colour you want, and as much as you want, set the layer to ‘color’. i also change the opacity to 80% to let some of what’s underneath still come through a little bit, but do what’s best for you and your gif:

my gif now looks like this, with less noticeable flickering:

7. brighten, colour and sharpen however you normally do idk if you have an existing psd or just experiment with adjustment layers, but your gif is now ready to start colouring however you normally would. the neural filter is basically acting as a reset to give you a blank canvas in which to gif as normal. for this gif i started with a ‘hue and saturation’ adjustment layer to change the green background to a more dirt/sand colour as it’s meant to be the desert, and then just played around with my usual combination of adjustments until i came up with the final product! i then sharpen using filter > sharpen > smart sharpen and it should be done.

8. export (save for web) you all know how to do this by now, but be aware that these will load slowly. gifs aren’t the fastest things to save on a good day but with the neural filter applied, they’re particularly slow. this is why i said to do work on the gifs one at a time - don’t have photoshop doing more than it needs to do or it might slow down to a halt.

so after all that, this is the final version of my gif:

tips and tricks

avoid making gifs of moments with a lot of movement - this could be the subject of the gif moving, the background, the wind blowing something around etc. while normal colouring can tolerate these changes, the filter isn’t yet clever enough to work it out and it makes the gifs unsalvageable because you can’t paint over the flickering accurately enough - e.g.:

(p.s. if anyone knows how to get the filter to work on this specific scene you have to tell me lmao it’s been driving me mad...)

try and keep the gifs short - i haven’t made one above 55 frames, i think. that is still quite a lot but it is a challenge to ensure the filter can cope with it. shorter gifs would probably mean a cleaner result.

you have to set the gif to black and white first - the colorize filter is designed to bring black and white photos/videos to life. i tried it over the blue filter directly and it was successful but i had more consistent luck when starting in black and white.

make sure you brighten the gif significantly before applying the filter - it really helps to give a cleaner canvas for the filter to apply to, but it’s not essential if you really don’t want to.

if you have any questions, don’t hesitate to ASK. i’m by no means an expert and this is just what i’ve observed from using this feature and the workarounds i’ve found working for me so far, but happy to try and help where i can and happy to take suggestions too! <3

[inficetegodwottery]

A call for aid from Firefox Users

I have absolutely no fucking idea how to solve these problems, and there are asks with no answers all over the internet elsewhere that are years old.

There is a weirdly hostile atmosphere on Reddit's Firefox boards to asking questions about features Firefox doesn't seem to have. And obviously, official support forums are about as helpful as they ever are. Given that I've seen and reblogged countless extremely informative posts about Firefox stuff on Tumblr, I just have to hope one of you guys knows answers to some of these issues.

Because I want to move away from Chrome. I really, really do. It is a constant source of stress and fear at this point. Google is an insanely evil fucking company and I despise them, and admire Firefox's stances on privacy and commitment to user security. But I cannot use a browser that lacks so many of the organizational elements I'm used to using in order to deal with my extreme neurodivergence and inability to process information all at once combined with my tendency towards flitting from one train of thought to another constantly.

Using Firefox (I've tried to switch five times over six or seven years) in the past has been overwhelming and stressful and completely devoid of certain features I could use to control those feelings on browsers like Chrome, Opera, and even Safari.

So if anyone has any solutions or suggestions for the specific issues I describe below, it would be an enormous weight off my shoulders, and help me feel a lot safer than I do now.

I'll admit that my tab fever is insane, and I've regularly racked up 2000+ tabs on Chrome. But I can sleep/unload just about all of those tabs constantly, making it so I can keep my trains of thought completely paused without the slightest impact on my computer's performance while I work on something else, and come right back to them without having to dig through the Bookmark system. And the way I generally keep that insane number of bookmarks organized is with separate windows and TAB GROUPING. Bless tab grouping, the saviour of my sanity. With that feature, I can have a completely organized tab tree with color coding, searchable groups, easily group and ungroup tabs or move them to different windows, and I can manage all of them from the same UI I'm managing ungrouped tabs from.

This is a feature which Firefox appears to fundamentally lack, despite apparently having had it implemented fully at some point.

I will say that I tried several addons before making this post, specifically Simple Tab Groups, which was atrocious, and Panorama View actually looks fantastic, but also.... Firefox has placed a security warning on that one. Great.

So if anyone knows of a hidden browser settings option, an overlooked tab grouping addon, or some other way to implement that feature on Firefox, I would be eternally in your debt. I just do not have the ability to process or work on a browser that I can only have like forty tabs open without losing track of everything I'm doing because they're all on a single ribbon. Or completely overloading my RAM.

On that note, is there any setting to make the browser use less memory? I've had the core process run up to almost a dozen gigs of RAM with only twenty tabs open, and there's absolutely no way it needed all that processing power for four YouTube tabs and a bunch of settings pages.

Lastly, there are a number of times while I was using Firefox that I lost power or the program crashed (and it crashed a LOT) and I lost everything. Every tab, every bit of work I was doing at the time, with no way to recover them. I've had that happen with Chrome too, but WAY less often, and when it recovers all my tabs it does so while PRESERVING MY TAB GROUPS, and it also doesn't load every tab in until I actually move to that tab. Firefox loads every tab it's recovering all at once, which usually completely locks up my computer.

At this point I'm pretty much only using Firefox to watch YouTube videos past the adblock, despite desperately wanting to transfer literally everything over to a browser that I KNOW is the safer and better option. But every time I've tried, the total inability to organize like I used to, losing all my progress and being unable to regain it whatsoever, or just using up four times the amount of resources that my browsing would on another platform has drive me away. I don't want to be driven away. I want to solve this, but I've had to accept that I can't do that alone.

I greatly appreciate any help or advice anyone can give. Even if just only one of these questions gets answered or only one of these problems gets solved, that's a win in my books. And thank you for reading, even if you don't have any of the answers I'm looking for.

[junosmindpalace]

Hello! Do u still do dr stone request? If yes. Can u write senku on how would he confess to his crush. I think it would be pretty cute and sweet? LOL. Anyways please take ur time with my request, take care and have a nice day! :))

hi there anon! thank you for your request! i hope you're taking care of yourself and doing well! this oneshot is a little…all over the place since i had so many ideas, but i hope you enjoy anyway!

synopsis: senku finds a uniquely romantic way to confess his feelings for you.

warnings: none

wc: 2.1k

note: oneshot takes place before the petrification!

Knock knock.

Byakuya Ishigami perked up from the awkward angle he was hunched over his laptop in, turning his attention away from the endless amount of emails from students and colleagues alike and toward the sound coming from the end of the hall. His eyebrows furrowed in confusion as he turned away from the hall and toward the clock on the kitchen wall in front of him. It wasn’t too late…

“Was I expecting someone?” 

Rapid muffled foot stomps thudded down the hall and toward the front door where the knocking was coming from. “It’s for me!” 

The owner of the second voice made a sharp u-turn as he propelled himself toward the front door. He straightened his posture and adjusted the sleek white lab coat he wore before opening the door. On the other side stood a cheery kid around his age holding the handle of a yellow toolbox with both hands, and who’s small smile widened upon meeting face to face with their friend.

“Hiya, Senku! I hope I’m not too late!” 

The latter, Senku, chuckled and stepped to the side to allow you to enter the apartment.

“You’re right on time.” 

“Hi, Y/N!”

“Hello, Mr. Ishigami, sir!” 

“Senku! You didn’t tell me you were inviting someone over! I could’ve made food!” 

“You would’ve burned the house down.” 

You laughed beside Senku, the two of you now standing side by side in front of the boy’s father for you to properly greet him. 

“We’ve got work to do, Y/N! C’mon!” 

Senku hurried toward his room and you went to follow, turning around with an apologetic look on your face. “Sorry for the unexpected drop-in. Nice to see you again, Mr. Ishigami!” 

“Wait! You two didn’t let me know if you want food or not!” 

The teacher received no reply from either his eccentric son or his cheerful friend, and he sat down after rising halfway up his chair with a small smile on his face, mumbling “kids…” before resuming the work on his laptop. 

“I got all the stuff you asked for!” You held your toolbox up with one hand, its contents cluttering loudly. Senku’s room was filled with all sorts of gadgets for the project you two had been working on. On his desk, a variety of different tech parts were scattered, and his laptop revealed multiple tabs of code and other analytics. 

“Wheels?”

“Yes!”

“Voicebox?”

“Yes!”

“Paint?”

“And brushes! I got some sprays, too.”

Senku smirked and chuckled yet again as he took the box from you and rummaged through the supplies. “Good job! Now we can finally finish the robot!” He laid out a thin, dull purple blanket on his floor and moved his computer parts from the desk to the floor. “What are we waiting for? Let’s get started!” 

Ever since the two of you were kids, you and Senku bonded over your mutual love of science. Senku was an extravagant kid who never failed to leave a lasting impression with his projects and experiments. Not only that, but his resolve and excitement only made him more attractive to you. For Senku, such a bright and intelligent person was exactly someone he’d get along well with. Your creativity and drive for passion was what drew him in, especially since you both promised each other excitement and indulgence. 

You visiting Senku was not uncommon, but despite how much you frequent his house to work on his experiments, the giddiness he feels when he hears the doorbell signaling your arrival has never gone away. 

The end goal today was simple- finish building a robot from scratch. Senku’s blueprints showed a detailed diagram of a tiny robot a little bigger than the size of a hand, its body a short, white rectangular prism (with stylish blue stripes- your addition) and a cube attached on the top side to make a head. Two eyes would be placed on either side of its head and two wheels on either side of the body. 

When Senku first presented you the blueprint, you were in awe and immediately eager to get started, asking questions about where to begin and what parts were needed.

And so that very same day, you walked with Senku to his apartment and had a similar encounter with Byakuya a week ago as you did today. Senku walked you through all the steps; programming the robot, building it, and operating it. There were many errors along the way- in the programming and the building, but the two of you took turns working on each aspect over the span of a week. 

And this evening a week later was finally the day you two would finish. 

“We made all the adjustments…”

“Do you think it’ll finally work?”

“Only one way to find out.”

You and Senku nervously hunched around the tiny robot on Senku’s bedroom floor. It sat unmoving and waiting to be operated. It looked exactly like Senku’s blueprints- four wheels, two on each side for the robot to move around, and two eyes that were currently closed. You and Senku exchanged a glance before Senku took a deep breath and leaned in slightly. 

“Rei?” 

The robotic eyes blinked to reveal small black circles behind its artifical eyelids. The bot slowly turned around to face Senku. “Hello, Ishigami Senku!” It then titled its head toward you. “Hello, L/N Y/N!” 

The two of you turned toward each other and let out gasps of excitement. The robot was finally a success! You leaned toward your friend, laughing joyfully while he stared at you with a toothy grin. 

“I can’t believe we did it…!” You cried as you straightened up, stretching your arms above your head. “We actually finished faster than I anticipated!”

“Science requires patience and diligence. With both, you can ten billion percent reach your end goal in no time.”

You smiled and titled your head. “Your passion and dedication is amazing, Senku. I’m always in awe of you.” You laughed, and Senku stared at you with a small smile. 

You say that about him, but you’re more the person Senku will ever be. You're so very kind and motivating, things he knows you’d argue he is as well. Throughout every step you’ve stuck by Senku’s side, working alongside him to finish this project. Never once did you suggest abandoning it and you never once shied away from the challenge. After every setback, you would tell him that the two of you just needed to keep at it, provoking brainstorms by asking questions. Your endless enthusiasm and unwavering resolve was exactly why Senku liked you so much. 

And Senku wanted you to know it, so he decided to leave you a message.  

For a while, Senku had been fighting down romantic feelings for you, and try as he might, everyone, especially Senku, knew that he is no fighter. And so after losing the battle of denial, Senku came to terms with his feelings. Getting rid of them wasn’t an option, and so he’s been anticipating the best way to execute his next solution- confessing.

His thought process? If he confessed, he could move on quicker. The faster any subconscious thought of reciprocation was shut down, the quicker he could get these feelings to pass entirely. And so he didn’t put much thought into his confession. He figured he could just pull you aside one day and confess in the most unromantic way that would be sure to have him rejected, and the two of you could move on with your friendship. But over time, the thought of giving you, his sweet best friend who constantly goes the extra mile for him, such an unthoughtful confession made guilt swirl in his stomach and his feelings for you grow more and more. 

And after some time, Senku realized that he didn’t want to get turned down. He wanted to make you smile. He wanted to stay by your side as something more. He wanted to impress you the best way he knew how- with science. And so a half-assed confession wasn’t going to cut it. Suddenly, he went from rolling his eyes at the thought of just pulling you to the side to thinking of the most memorable and meaningful way to confess.

And Rei was his answer.

Rei represented the best parts of yourselves, both as individuals and as partners. She represented something greater- all of the experiments and projects the two of you worked on together, where you both showcased your creativity, innovativeness and brilliance through a combination of your strengths. Rei was a representation of all the fun the two of you have together, not only while working on projects, but while indulging in mutual interests, while talking about even the most mundane events. Rei represented easy conversation and collaboration between you two- something so important in relationships.

What could be a more fitting way to confess?

So during the process, he programmed a way to send you a message. But of course, it couldn’t be something so direct. Rei represented the mutual love you two have for everything science related, so why not make this fun? 

After an exhausting couple of hours entirely dedicated to finishing Rei by fixing a couple of bugs, the two of you were ecstatic but worn out. Hungry, you suggested going to a ramen joint not too far from Senku’s home for a celebratory meal. 

“My treat! Your dad seemed pretty concerned with making sure we were fed.” You joked, and Senku let out an airy laugh. 

“Sure. I’ll be right there.”

He watched you walk out of his room and down the hall to the exit. He stared back at Rei on the floor, contemplating his next steps. He approached the robot and crouched down in front of it. 

“Rei?”

Rei whirred to life.

“Hello, Ishigami Senku! You have one undelivered message. Would you like me to discard?”

“No. Send the message.”

“Who is your recipient?”

“L/N Y/N.”

Rei beeped a couple of times as she continued staring at Senku. With a final swoosh and a short tune-  “Message sent to L/N Y/N!” 

As you were slipping on your shoes at the front door, oblivious to what Senku was up to, you noticed him approaching you with Rei in his hand.

“Oh, taking Rei with you?”

You grew more confused when he suddenly placed the robot in your hand. “Keep her safe, will ya?”

You looked between Senku and Rei, stunned for a moment before giving the scientist a wide, toothy smile. “You’re letting me have her? Thank you so much!” 

That night, you thought you’d familiarize yourself a bit with Rei’s features. After getting ready for the night, you placed Rei under the bright gaze of your desk lamp and sat crossed legged in your desk chair. Upon turning her on however, you were surprised that the first thing Rei had said to you was…

“Hello, Y/N! You have one unopened message from Ishigami Senku.” 

Huh. Why did Senku add this to the robot? Was it just part of the fun? You were amazed thinking of all the features Senku must’ve added for his own personal touch, or just out of curiosity and experimentation. 

“What’s the message?” 

Rei blinked once before she whirred and started playing an audio recording. There were a couple of clicks, and then pauses. Clicks and pauses. At first you were confused, thinking there was some sort of malfunction, and then…

“Morse code?” 

You had interrupted Senku in the midst of learning morse code in the science club room one day and invited yourself to join him, finding it fascinating. From then on, the two of you would occasionally challenge each other to translate what the other was saying by sending each other messages in class. Sometimes it got competitive, and other times you would hit Senku when he’d playfully tease or insult you. 

Smiling, you pulled out a notebook and a pen to keep track of the letters. You listened carefully, trying to catch every click and pause.

Two clicks. That’s an I.

A click. A long pause. Two more clicks. L.

Another two clicks. I again.

A pause, a click, a pause. That was a K, right?

A singular click. E. 

You listened a little while longer, asking Rei if she was capable of rewinding the audio (she was!), and confirming some of your original answers. 

As you got closer to deciphering the message, your heart started to race. You reread the message you had written down over and over till the words stopped processing in your head. Did you mishear? You must’ve gotten something wrong. But after going back and replaying the message multiple times, rewriting it once and twice and thrice more, you were certain this was the message given. Even so, there was just no way Senku of all people would be sending you a message that read...

 I-L-I-K-E-Y-O-U. 

You had a lot to say to Senku the next day.

[simaddix]

*Pay Attention - Part 2 - Tutorial*

I was about to go back to my business and quietly leave y'all with a word of wisdom but the very next package I opened raised my hackles. So here we go, hold on to your seat.

Disclaimer for younger/sweeter - followers - this has language in it because I'm pissed... I apologize in advance.

49,282 Polycounts. That's 50K for a fucking basket!!!

It's pretty, it's beautiful, and I downloaded it because it's everything you could want out of a basket of lemons... whoever created it did an outstanding job... for a movie production.

NOT PC GAMES.

So let's fix it - and let's hold our creators and converters to a higher standard or send them along to a different platform where they can create without our bitching.

First off, there's 3 or 4 ways you can check polycounts.

1 - TSRW under Mesh tab

2 - S3PE (Pretty sure you have to have an addon to do this - I'll try to find it when I'm done and add the link) Under MLOD, right click and go down to Preview. It'll open up a window and you can view the model and the polycount.

3 - 3D Viewer on your computer

4 - Blender or Milkshape

Now that we have the ability to check our polycount - we're gonna fix this mesh. I'm not going to show you how to package it, there are other tutorials for that part, but this is VITAL to having a healthy game, and honestly, being a creator or converter for this game. I do understand that you have to have the knowledge before you can fix a problem, so here it is - literally handed to you in a basket. I also understand that there are creators/converters who don't post polycounts because they're afraid people won't download it - that is inexcusable. If that's the case then you will eventually be boycotted by the players who know better.

Alright, so step one - you're going to want to get into blender after exporting your mesh. You're going open the modifier properties and add a decimate modifier (the wrench circled in red, and the add modifier drop down menu).

Keep it in Collapse, not un-subdivide. It's gentler on the mesh itself and you'll get a lot farther with it. You're also going to want your UV map to match what you're doing with your mesh, in case you need it for selection (I'll explain that in a minute) and have faces tagged so the selection is easier.

Now that you have that set up, you're gonna want to remove unnecessary vertices. See the shadows on the bottom of the basket? Here's how to fix that - hit tab, press A to select everything, and then go to MESH/MERGE/BY DISTANCE. This removed 16,900 loose vertices that didn't need to be there.

Go back to your modifiers and add an edge split modifier and hit apply.

Boom - no shadows.

Now that that is all done you're going to go in to edit mode (tab) and press L while hovering over what you're wanting to select. This is going to select all of the islands in your UV, and it's the fastest way (that I've found) to quickly select pieces of your mesh.

When you have your whole group selected (you can also figure out at this point what pieces need alternate textures or groups for TSRW later in your packaging process) you're going to hit P-Selection. That's gonna split whatever you have selected into a separate group.

Now, you can do that to however many pieces you see fit, but for this I'm just gonna stick with two - the lemons and the basket itself. You're going to click the blue Ratio box - and type in .5 and hit enter. That will collapse your polycount in half - (you can move that ratio box lower if you wish, but this way is the gentlest way possible and I've gotten better results. So play with it and see for yourself if you wish to. ) - Now repeat the process until your mesh starts to lose quality, I tend to stop there unless I can push it a bit further without making it look bad.

Now repeat that process with all groups.

Given that this particular mesh was such high polycount and an intricate mesh, I could only manage to get it from 49,282 faces (polys) down to 18,860. This is absolutely not okay for TS3 - and I'm using as a lesson rather than using something that I can get down to an okay level - because this is what you're going to run into when getting meshes that start in the tens of thousands of polys. THIS IS NOT MEANT FOR TS3, it's beautiful, yes, but you are putting people's equipment at risk by advertising a mesh for a 13 year old game without disclaiming that it's dangerous for it.

This tutorial will absolutely work for most objects, and I've used this process for a couple of years now with success, but you have to be able to decide what you're willing to put into TS3. We have all of these tutorials for reducing lag in this old as dirt game, but NONE of that matters if you're carrying objects like this - no matter how pretty they are.

If you need it that bad, figure out how to make a version of it that CAN look as good as this with a little less detail (think the spirals in the wicker that is actually meshed rather than just textured), or ask a creator to make something for you.

If you have any questions, please feel free to ask. If I have the time, I try to help whoever comes into my inbox. If I can't help, there is a hoard of creators out there that probably can.

So have fun, CHECK YOUR CONTENT, and keep your computer safe.

And creators/converters - do better.

Edit to add - to the creators/converters who do put out their polycounts, or a disclaimer of high poly/photo use only - thank you. I do understand the need for high poly objects for photo-op purposes, and I'm not here to attack anyone's preferred gaming style. I just want people to be safe while they play, as there are those who don't know what they're putting into their games. Let's help ensure that everyone has a chance to play whether they're experienced creators or regular game-players.

Edit to add 2 -

To add a bit of context - I was able to get the reduced mesh even further by removing some of the intricate details of the mesh, to create a simpler version. This is now down to 5,270 - and it could be lowered even further by removing the top of the handle - which is 1700 by itself because it's spiraled. So when you're dealing with a high mesh object such as this, pay attention to what's really adding weight, and if you can replace/remove it without taking too much away. The shadows can be fixed in gimp as well.

[vay99]

Law x reader

Let me show you your heart

Anime/Manga: One Piece

Short side note, I've decided to upload my old ffs on here as well since everyone enjoys reading on different platforms and you guys seem to enjoy what I'm reading :)

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

"Okay, let's get started then." you check a last time before starting your tattoo machine.

"How many tattoo plans do you have left?"

"None after this, I don't think I'd have space left anywhere." Law looks down on his body while you finish the first letter on his thumb.

"Neck, waist, ass-"

"What are you suggesting?" taken back by your last idea the captain squints his eyes, earning a chuckle from your end.

"Nothing, only that you've got spaces left, and you're my favorite person to tattoo~"

"How come?"

"That's my secret. But why don't you tell me what's up with the double death tattoo?"

"It's what they call me, surgeon of death, I figured that it'd look nice." he simply explains, not mentioning a deeper meaning behind it. Which you know it has.

"I'll accept that answer, for now."

Law just reacts by rolling his eyes, he's used to your antics since you've put every single tattoo on his body, which created a special bond between the two of you.

It always takes Law some time until he opens up to you during your tattoo sessions. Letting down his walls is something he still struggles with. Even with you. The only person he ever told his story.

"I was always surrounded by death, wanted to die and now... I get to decide who lives and dies. It was painful, it still is but... it's a part of me." he explains himself, right as you finish his first hand.

"So death has two meanings for you." you say as you begin with his other hand. "Once your experiences with death as a child, and second your profession as a Pirate, Doctor Captain."

"Yes."

"Babe you do know that tattoos don't replace therapy, right?" you've been calling up him that for a while now, having the antic to adress others with 'flirty' nicknames. The first time you called him Babe his face froze and a blush took over his cheeks.

"I know." he grunts, turning his head away from you.

"Law, I hope that one day you'll feel so full of life that your past turns into a scar, fully healed. No more hurting, hiding and hatred. You'll learn to love life, one day."

"And you said this doesn't replace therapy..."

"If you'd go to therapy I wouldn't have to sY this, we could plan a tattoo on your ass instead but nooo." Law chuckles at your response, watching you finish the final letter on his pinky. "All done."

Staring at his fresh tattooed knuckles Laws lips curl into a smile. "Thank you."

"You're welcome." you respond, cleaning the bench and tidying up the place.

On your way to the kitchen you two pass by Penguin, who immediately notices his captains new tattoo.

"I'm the surgeon of the death after all." Law explains him for the third time now.

"And yet you fight to keep every patient alive." Penguin answers.

"Ironic how life can be."

"Don't try to make it sound poetic now, you're exchanging peoples arms with legs all of the time." you join their little conversation.

"Don't forget the hearts." the surgeon chuckles. "What's with that expression?"

"Could you give me my heart so I could draw it?!??"

You've done it, you made Law malfunction like a computer that has too many tabs open. Penguin is startled as well but that's not unusual, especially compared to Law malfunctioning.

"Law? Laaaaw?" moving closer to your captain you poke his cheek.

"Uhm... are you, are you sure about that?" scratching his neck as he comes back to his senses, still taken back by your request.

"Yes, I mean, I won't die so, when else will I get the opportunity to draw my own heart?"

Following your bizarre wish Law takes your heart out of your chest. And definitely not getting distracted by your boobs at all. Nah. Even Penguin is dumbfounded by that.

"Wow, the human body is so fascinating." you express your joy over a technique that Law used to let his opponents freak out. He may have studied every part of the human body but your brain will remain a mystery to the man.

"You're not nervous at all? It's your heart in my hands after all." he voices his confusion.

"If you wanted to crush it you could've done it at any given time, we're in a submarine, there's no escape from you. I've seen Penguin and Sachi try to. I trust you Law." you reassure him, adjusting your view back on your heart.

"Countless times..."

"You never win and yet you guys still try." you pat your friends back before heading towards your room. Which is just a bed, a desk and paper, canvases, paint and brushes all over the place.

Sitting down you immediately start sketching, joining you on a chair Law watches you draw, his favorite thing to do when he wants to feel at ease.

Everyone in your crew believes you're already dating and just keep things really private. But no, Law is just a lovesick man who loves nothing more than spend time with you in comfortable silence.

A couple of days later you've finished your masterpiece, exhausted and happy you waddle over to the kitchen and sink into the big couch. Like becoming one with the soft fabric.

"Here." Bepo places a plate with food in front of you and himself.

"Bepo you're a real darling, thanks."

"You looked exhausted and food always makes me feel better so... sorry."

"You're the sweetest." you say, cheeks full of food already. "Did you drop those food plates off at my place each day?"

"No, the captain did."

You stop in your tracks. Law did what?

"Bepo? Are you sure that was Law?"

"Yes, you didn't notice because you were too hyperfocused."

"He gave me bread. He hates bread." you blink at the polar bear next to you.

"But you love bread."

"Exactly!!!!!" finishing your plate you immediately head of to find Law. You wanted to confess for a while now but you never knew if he l o v e d you or just enjoyed having you around him. But this? Law getting near bread? Voluntarily? That speaks volumes.

The second you find him he begins to talk, not giving you any time to react.

"You trusted me with your heart, now I'll trust you with mine." he casually pulls his heart out off his chest, handing it to you. "You once said that two hearts together look like the hearts people draw... if you want to you could draw ours together..." getting quite at the end of the sentence he bites his lip, unsure which words to use.

"Draw them as they belong you mean?"

Agreeing with a nod Law hides his face behind his hat, face redder than Buggys nose.

"This is the best painting request ever!"

Forgetting what you wanted to do not even minute ago you sprint into your room, carrying Laws heart with you.

Pulling out the painting you made of your own heart, where Law gladly assisted threw pulling your heart out of your rib cage, you begin to sketch your hearts together as one. Which took you one more week.

And yes Law brought you bread during that time as well.

"How do you like it?" exhausted, but happy you present your latest creation.

"It's greater than any word I could use to describe it Can I have it?"

"Of course, it was your request after all." you smile as you hand him the painting.

"This will go right above my desk." his lips curl into a heartwarming smile, a smile so gentle which you've never seen it of him before.

"This is my favorite smile of yours. Maybe you'll assist me next time threw being my model."

"Anything for you." he answers mindless, still absorbed by the canvas in front of him. And that's when you remember.

"Guess I'll start dropping by your office from now on, not to brag but this is an amazing painting." you take a few steps towards him.

"Just like the artist."

"Only because I had a great assistant." you chuckle, gently cupping his cheeks.

"Being your assistant sounds like much better job than captain and doctor." Law sighs, loosely wrapping his arms around your hips, continuingly looking up to you.

"You know you can drop by anytime when they're being too noisy. And be my model of course."

"What kind of modeling are we talking about." He raises an eyebrow, a playful smile on his lips.

"I wanna paint you as I see you, a gentle soul, who cares for others more than himself. A gorgeous smile that will steal everyone's heart, because that's what you did with mine." you brush over his lips with your thumb. "But to be able to capture your lips right I need to get a better look at them."

"My lips are all yours." closing his eyes he pulls you onto his lap. You close the gap between your lips, feeling like your hearts have now become one for real. You still taste the salty rice balls he had for lunch, this would be everything you could think about from now on when you see rice balls.

*A few days later, on deck*

The submarine has submerged from the sea, landing on a tropical island. Law stands by the reling and watches the sun set.

"No better view than the sun set over the ocean, no better smell than the salty air." you smile, enjoying the wind that plays with your locks.

"(y/n), when you said you want me to love life, to let my wounds heal I thought it was impossible. But now, right here, with you, I start to understand what you mean. Thank you, for everything you've done for me."

"You've helped me heal as well Law, when you're with the right person you will heal each other, it comes naturally." leaning your head against his shoulder you keep gazing at the sun, disappearing behind the horizon.

[some-teeth-in-a-trench-coat]

Ok so as you may know, once your boop-o-meter passes 999 for either value, that value becomes displayed only as a three letter combination. Initially, it will say MAX, then LOL, OMG, and so on as the value keeps rising, but the exact number is not displayed. Well, luckily, you can still see it if you open it in your browser on desktop.

Short version for the people who know their way around this stuff: All you need is the response from "https://www.tumblr.com/api/v2/boop" sent every few seconds while the boop-o-meter is loaded and updating.

Long version for people who are intimidated by the word "console" or otherwise not at all helped by the short version:

I use Firefox, and I don't know and I will not bother checking how exactly to do it on other browsers, but I doubt it's very different.

First, obviously, have tumblr open in your browser, on a page where the boop-o-meter is visible.

Secondly, open the dev tools panel. There are many ways to do this, but the most universal/simple might be to right click somewhere on the page and selecting "inspect" to open the inspector tab of the dev tools.

If your dev tools panel is on the side of the screen, tumblr might reformat itself in a way that hides the boop-o-meter. If this happens, you can try resizing the window, simulating a wider screen with the dev tools, resizing or moving the panel to the bottom/top, or going to the first page of your dashboard, which should display the counter at the top regardless of the size.

Next, open the console tab of the dev tools panel. The order of the tabs may vary depending on your preferences and use history, but it should be visible and labeled "Console" at the top of the panel or inside this dropdown menu:

(ID in alt)

The contents of this tab may be overwhelming if you're not used to messing with tech, but I promise it won't bite and I'll walk you through it. You're not gonna accidentally hack the Dutch government or delete your computer.

In this list, look for something that looks like this (a new one should appear at the bottom of the list every few seconds, containing the most recent information):

(ID in alt)

Click on this line to expand it, revealing a bunch of nonsense you probably don't care about, and then click on the "Response" tab under the header you clicked. It should now look something like this:

(ID in alt)

Click on the one that starts with "response: Object" to expand it, revealing the exact numerical values for how many boops you've given (labeled "givenCount") and how many boops you've received (labeled "receivedCount").

And that's it! I'm probably not the first to figure this out but hey the day is ending and I haven't seen anyone talk about this or even ask if it's possible, so I figured I'd do my part.

[octoberobserver]

We're a Documentary, Not a Fucking Sitcom - WWDITS Fic

(Read on ao3 here)

I read ' 'The power dynamics seem so problematic. I mean, that’s his boss,' and this possessed me. Enjoy! 😉

“I shouldn’t have done that.”

Guillermo blinked his eyes open, the ghost of Nandor’s cold, smooth lips still lingering on his own.

He had just kissed him. Right on the mouth, mid-sentence, on a random Tuesday night, three months after Guillermo became human again.

“I…Mas–Nan…”

The words died in his throat as his brain whirred like a computer with too many tabs open.

“I am your boss,” Nandor continued as if he had not heard him, beginning to pace the length of the Fancy Room. “You are my employee. It is frowned upon…problematic.”

That snapped Guillermo out of his stupor, frowning as he tried to make sense of his rambling.

“Okay, first of all, employees get paid. If anything, I was an unpaid labourer,” he held up his hand to stop himself from tracing his lips with the pad of his thumb.

“Second of all, you’re not my boss anymore anyway. I’m just your human roommate now, remember? I have a new job teaching self-defense down at the YMCA. I’m not your familiar. We’re equals. We made the deal that I would stay in this house once none of you treated me like shit anymore and you got a new familiar. You’re just too stubborn to let me help you pick a replacement.”

That stopped the vampire in his tracks, a petulant pout on his handsome face.

“That’s because they are all terrible, Guillermo! Francine didn’t know how I like my hair combed, and Jason did not do my buttons up correctly!”

“You didn’t give them a chance to learn!”

“You picked it up right away!”

“Well, not everyone can be me!”

“I know! That’s the problem!”

Somehow they had closed the distance between them and were right back where they started moments ago, mere inches from each other. Naturally, Guillermo’s eyes fell on those pale, alluring lips, but he dragged them back up to a safe spot, focussing on the crinkle between Nandor’s eyebrows from where his head was bent downwards.

“Third of all,” he forced out, his breath no doubt bouncing off his chin. “‘Problematic?’ Seriously? You brutally killed innocent people that I lured here every single week for the last thirteen years. And you’re worried about us having a…a ‘workplace kiss’ being problematic?”

Look. It wasn’t like it had never crossed his mind. Both kissing Nandor and the very morally bankrupt decision to feed random humans to a group of bloodthirsty vampires every week for his entire adult life. But ever since he was faced with directly killing an innocent person so he could live and being unable to do it, he was questioning himself and his choices more and more lately.

(The whole wanting to kiss his former Master thing was a constant, ongoing thing. And definitely not a recent development. But that was his business.)

“Well,” Nandor waved a hand, undeterred. “Darla said it is frowned upon.”

Guillermo squinted up at him.

“And who is Darla?”

“My spotter at the gym. She’s a grandma looking to strengthen her pelvic floor.”

“Ew, what—? No. Doesn’t matter,” he winced. “So, what would Darla think about you kissing someone ten seconds after they tell you they’re going on a date? Is that not ‘problematic?’”

Nandor scrunched up his nose.

“Well, it just happened, so how would I have time to tell—”

“Mierda,” he muttered under his breath, staring up at the ceiling for a God he couldn’t believe in anymore.

“I shouldn’t have kissed you, Guillermo. I am sorry,” Nandor said in the ‘I’m trying to be diplomatic but am being a giant baby about it’ voice that he found hard to truly hate. “I just…thought that you had sworn off dating?”

A disbelieving laugh escaped his chest.

“So, what, you thought you’d kiss me in…protest?”

Something warm was fluttering around his abdomen as his heart beat what felt like a million times a second, his brain very unhelpfully replaying the kiss over and over in his head.

Stop thinking about it, stop thinking about it, stop—

“I’m just confused,” Nandor was shrugging when he forced himself to focus. “You seemed uninterested in dating, and now you come in here and tell me not to wait up because you’re going out with some fucking gu—”

“And why is it you think I’d be uninterested in dating, Nandor? Would it be ‘cause the last boyfriend I had, you fucking cloned for yourself, and then sent him away so he could meet up with Freddie and have him cheat on me with himself?!”

The words echoed throughout the large room.

Nandor looked just like he did when he'd been slapped.

“Guiller—”

“No. Let’s talk about it,” he cut him off, shooting a glance at the nearest camera before glaring up at him. “I’m so sick, of never talking about things in this house. Just letting them revert back to the status quo. We’re a documentary, not a fucking sitcom,” he huffed, pointing a finger in his face, still standing so close he almost poked him.

“You turned your wife into my boyfriend, and that was really fucked up. You know, something actually ‘problematic.’”

He added extra sarcasm and generous bunny ears around the word, scorn and hurt rising within him from where it had laid dormant for over a year.

“You destroyed Marwa, and then my relationship, and you’ve never once taken responsibility for it. Or anything else you’ve ever done. So if you wanna talk about what’s ‘problematic,’ let’s start—”

“I changed her back.”

Guillermo froze.

“What?”

Nandor was busy staring at the red couch, murmuring so quietly that he almost didn’t hear him.

“I said I changed her back. I used my remaining wishes to…undo it all. Give her the life she deserves…without me. She’s in Washington now. Has gone back to school, last I heard.”

His heart skipped a beat as he digested that.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Well,” Nandor scoffed, stepping even closer, gaze locked back on him. “I might have if you hadn’t been so busy conspiring with Laszlo because you went behind my back and got Derek to turn you INTO A VAMPIRE. DEREK! FUCKING GUY.”

Guillermo’s blood began to boil, spilling like molten lava in his veins.

“Because YOU WERE NEVER GOING TO!” he exploded. “After YEARS of putting up with all of your shit, I had enough of waiting!”

Nandor’s jaw clenched.

“I was going to turn you, even though I wasn’t sure if it was right for you, but you abandoned me for London!”

“Laszlo locked me in a coffin and shipped me to London like a giant FedEx package! I had literally zero control over that!” Guillermo shot back.

“Well,” Nandor cast his eyes around the room for an answer and grinned humorlessly when he found one. “You didn’t look for me.”

Oh, hell no.

“Yes, I did! But I had no way of contacting you,” Guillermo spat. “I had Nadja reach out through the ether and said she couldn’t find you, that you were blocking her somehow. So, yeah. It wasn’t like you were looking for me, either!”

His chest was heaving like an overwhelmed Victorian maiden whilst Nandor was as still as a statue, but he didn’t care.

Finally. Finally he was airing his grievances. After all this time. Years and years of pent-up anger and hurt and resentment, they were finally talking about it all. And God, it felt amaz—

“I was mad at you when you didn’t meet me on that platform…you broke my heart.”

Those words turned his molten blood to ice.

But that didn’t stop his own words from tumbling out of his mouth anyway.

“Yeah, well. You broke mine first.”

Their eyes met.

Silence engulfed the room.

“That’s a lot of information to get in thirty seconds.”

His head whirled around to find Colin Robinson staring at them from the doorway.

“This is a private conversation, Colin Robinson,” Nandor replied, his gaze still burning a hole into Guillermo. “Leave. Now.”

“Right. Private,” Colin retorted with his usual deadpan tone, gesturing to the cameras. “Whatever. Just fuck already. It’s faster. Especially the way Nandor does it.”

They listened to his retreating steps for a beat, Nandor cursing him under his breath.

“Did he quote Friends?” Guillermo gaped after him, realising it was in vain when he remembered who he was asking, though he could swear he saw one of the camera crew quietly nodding.

“Do not change the subject, Guillermo,” Nandor drew him back in, his dark gaze unwavering. “What did you mean when you said I broke your heart first?”

They don’t call him ‘The Relentless’ for nothin’.

“Come on,” he cleared his throat, his heart firmly lodged there as he tried to step around him. “We don’t have to do this. It doesn’t matter anymore.”

“Yes, it does, and yes, we do,” his hand shot out inhumanly fast and held him in place by the wrist, firmly but not something he couldn’t break from. “You wanted to talk, so talk. Please.”

What were you saying about pent-up feelings, again?

“You,” he took a shaky breath, forcing himself to stand his ground. “You…have to know how I…how I’ve felt all these years. I know you’re not that dumb.”

Nandor’s lips parted, but Guillermo kept going, words flowing from him like a burst dam.

“Every cruel word, every dismissal, every time you rebuffed my hugs or compliments or belittled me or my accomplishments…it was death by a thousand cuts. Because I fuckin’ loved you anyway.”

A bitter laugh escaped him as tears stung his eyes.

“Huh. Now that’s problematic.”

The silence was deafening.

Nandor had yet to move an inch, not even to blink.

Well, you’ve done in now, de la Cruz. And even managed to reference a Taylor Swift song. Bravo.

Seconds ticked into nearly a minute, and Guillermo was really starting to get freaked ou—

“‘Loved…’” came a raspy voice, barely above a whisper. “...as in past tense?”

He stared at the hand that was still clasping his wrist, right over his hummingbird pulse point and thought, fuck it.

“Love. I love you, Nandor. I always have. And I meant it when I said I was gonna be right here by your side. Even…even if it’s just as your friend and roommate. Because that’s what love means.”

He had done a lot of brave things in his life. Had taken on and killed dozens of vampires, faced witches, zombies and werewolves without batting an eye, and had emo bangs way past 2012, but Guillermo de la Cruz had never felt true bravery until this exact moment.

He watched as Nandor’s face crumpled like creepy paper, his eyes squeezing shut as he took in a deep breath he didn’t need and mumbled to himself.

“Floating through the cold, dark universe like a little grain of furry sand.”

“...what?”

Those large, dark eyes that he loved so much popped open, and he almost gasped at their intensity.

“I…I once thought I was completely alone in this world, Guillermo. Without someone to love or love me. But I’m realising now that that hasn’t been true for a long time, has it?”

Guillermo swallowed the lump in his throat.

He shook his head.

Slowly, a small smile spread on Nandor’s face, his thumb brushing against the thin skin of his wrist.

“And it hasn’t for you either, you know.”

Guillermo felt his brow furrow.

“Wha—”

Cold, soft lips covered his for the second time that night. Heart hammering against his ribcage, he hurried to kiss back this time, leaning up on his tip-toes and gently trailing his tongue along Nandor’s bottom lip.

The kiss deepened as he opened his mouth, the corner of one of his fangs brushing against Guillermo’s tongue and sending a thrill through his entire body. They gripped each other, on the edge of frantic.

“That is why I kissed you, Guillermo,” Nandor murmured, leaning back to press his face into his jaw, peppering little pecks there. “I love you too. But I was too dumb to acknowledge it. Until I thought I was losing you again.”

Shock flowed through Guillermo at both confessions, gripping the back of his neck to pull him further down into him, arousal sparking in his gut as a large hand clutched his hip and pulled them flush together, covering his mouth with his carefully but passionately.

Over six feet of solid muscle draped over him like an awning, and he had never felt more in tune with his own body before, letting himself get lost in the sensation.

Dios mio.

After a few seconds, minutes, or several years, his heart squeezed on the bridge of pain, his head spinning a little, his lips growing numb.

Breaking for air, he gasped, reminding both Nandor and himself, “B-Breathe, I-I need to breathe.”

Smiling apologetically, Nandor’s giant hand cupped his cheek, gaze boring into him.

“I know I’m not your boss anymore, Guillermo. But I would still like it very much if…if you kept your post as my heartguard.”

Now he was breathless for a whole different reason.

Beaming, his eyes stinging again, he brought his hand up and linked their fingers.

“Okay. Only if you’re mine too, though.”

“Deal.”

“Deal.”

Somewhere in the depths of the house, they heard Nadja let out a loud gag, followed quickly by, “Give it to him, good, Gizmo, and shut up already!”

Face on fire, he turned to him, leaning back in.

They still had a million and one things to talk about and work through. Obviously. Issues like theirs—problematic or otherwise—didn’t disappear with one, two, or even three admittedly fantastic kisses. But for now, their roommates had a point.

“Fucking vampires,” Guillermo chuckled.

“No,” Nandor replied with a sharp grin. “There’s just one vampire to fuck. Me."

Groaning at the dumb pun, Guillermo allowed himself to be kissed deeply and thoroughly, winding his hand into the silky, dark hair he adored and tugging.

It was as Nandor let out a quiet mewl (that he was definitely filing away for later) that he remembered the cameras. And the other people in the room. And his date.

“Wait, sorry,” he broke the kiss, his mouth already raw from beard burn and loving it before he turned to the crew.

“Can we have some privacy, guys? Please? And here, take my phone and text my date that I’m sorry I won’t make it, but he seems like a good guy, and I hope he meets someone else.”

He watched as the crewmember closest to him just barely caught his phone while the rest of the team just gaped at them, frozen in place, until a dark shadow cast over the room.

“He asked nicely,” Nandor said, his voice an octave lower than usual. “Do not make me ask not nicely.”

Not needing to be told twice, the crew scrambled to vacate the room, lugging their cameras and equipment behind them as Nandor reeled Guillermo back in, pushing him gently against the wall and cradling his head.

“Out, out!” he shooed over his shoulder, kissing along his jugular, his sharp fangs lightly scraping his skin and making him shiver. “We are a documentary, not a fucking porno!”

“No, save that for the honeymoon, old chap,” Laszlo’s muffled voice wafted from above. “And, if you need any pointers, let me know!”

[winter-leftovers]

Til The End Of Eternity || Chapter Four: To Catch a Changeling (4/?)

(Douxie Casperan x f!reader)

Summary: Y/n is trying to figure her life out but is going to be hard since her brother is the new trollhunter and she is plagued by dreams and feelings she doesn’t understand.

Chapter Summary: Y/n visit Douxie’s library

Word count: 1902

Warnings: no!

(Season 1 Episode 7)

Song?: Crush by Tessa Violet

Previous — Next

Masterlist

“You look like shit” Randy hit the counter with some papers distracting Y/n from her computer.

“I feel like shit” Y/n closed the seventeen tabs she had opened looking for information about Killahead, all useless “I haven’t been sleeping well”

They shared a look for awhile. Y/n rolled her eyes. She knew her coworker very well by now. There was only one reason why he didn’t interrogated about her sleeping schedule: he needed something

“What do you want, Randy?” Y/n looked back at the computer, a picture of a rat eating a fry stared back at her.

“Okay, remember my idea of a battle of bands?” He didn’t give her time to answer “Well, I need to help to set it up and I know you are a musical genius so your input would be much appreciated and I won’t be able to do it without you…”

“Aha” She cut him off “Would I get paid?” She raised a brow.

“Yes! And…and the free afternoon right now so you can sleep”

“Wow! you really want me to help” she started to pick up her stuff before he could change his mind.

“Great! Thank you! Here, have flyer”

She took the piece of paper. The colorful flyer made her smile.

Randy always loved music. She remembered when his mother told her the story of how Randy had threatened to steal a guitar if she didn’t buy him one. Music was everything to him and he saw the same emotion in Y/n when they met. She always loved music, even before she could remember.

When she was six, Barbara took her to school for the first time and there, on music class, she touched a guitar for the first time and it felt like coming home.

Y/n doesn’t remember her biological parents but as a kid she liked to think that they loved music as much as she did but, as she grew, she stopped thinking about her biological parents and at seventeen she stopped playing completely until last year. Three months into college she got lost, hopeless. She didn’t like what she was studying and didn’t know what she wanted to do. One weekend, while visiting her family, Y/n heard a piano. Someone was trying to tune a piano and awfully failing. She felt like the strings were calling for her, asking her to end its misery.

Entering the music store she had spent too many hours browsing back in high school she saw two guys not much older than her debating if that is how the key was supposed to sound.

“It’s really not” Y/n got close to inspect their work.

“Hello? You need help looking for something?” The man with the long blonde hair asked.

“You’re doing a shitty job” she pointed to the man with his finger in the key.

“No shit. I don’t know I’m doing” he laughed.

She looked back and forth between them.

‘Maybe I can make a quick buck’ she thought.

“How much for tuning it?” She crossed her arms.

The blonde man looked at his watch and back to his friend and said:

“I’ll give you twenty bucks to tune it in half an hour”

Y/n laughed

“It can take up to two hours to tune it after god knows what you did”

“Hour and a half for thirty bucks”

“Forty five minutes and sixty dollars” she stretched her hand.

“Fifty”

“Deal” They shook hands.

She took her jacket off and started to work.

“I’m Y/n”

“Randy” the blonde said.

Tuning the piano made her feel something she thought lost, the feeling of home and she’ll always be grateful to Randy for that.

“Hello, Y/n”

“Hey, Douxie! How are you?”

“I’m fine. How about you?” He looked concerned.

Y/n knew she wasn’t looking her best. No one would be after the night she had.

“Oh, this awful eye bags? Courtesy of my little brother” she laughed.

“I didn’t know you had a brother”

“Yeah, he is still in high school. How about you? Got any siblings?”

“Nah, it’s just me and Archie” he point to the window of the library where a black cat was grooming himself.

“Oooh he is so cute” Y/n crouched down in front of the window.

Archie meowed and rubbed himself on the window as a response, melting Y/n’s heart.

“Don’t feed his ego too much. He’s a total diva”

Y/n laughed “I thought the guy with groupies would be the diva”

Douxie blushed.

She chuckled. She thought guys like Douxie didn’t blush.

“Are you jealous, love?”

Now it was Y/n’s time to blush.

They stood there, smiling at each other. Y/n found Douxie so intoxicating: his hazel eyes, his blue hair, that smile that brought her down to her knees. Even though they saw each other a few times, she was enchanted by him the first time.

“Would you like to say hi to him…you know…without the glass” Douxie broke the silence. He seemed nervous.

“That would be nice” she smiled.

Douxie opened the door to the library, the smell of books, tea and something else filled her lungs making her warm inside.

The moment she stepped inside, Archie rubbed himself between Y/n legs, stealing her attention from the beautiful library.

“Hello, sweet boy” she sat on the floor to pet Archie more comfortably.

“He likes you” said Douxie. He was leaning against one of the few walls that wasn’t covered in books “He isn’t usually that nice, you know”

Y/n swears she saw Archie roll his eyes but assumed her tiredness was playing tricks with her.

“He seems super nice to me” she rubbed Archie’s cheek and he let himself fall onto her hand.

“Oh, don’t let him trick you. He has a temper”

They both laughed and shared a look. The power Douxie has on her made her crazy. Ever since the day they met at Benoit’s, she couldn’t stop thinking about him. Every time she saw him she would stare at him like if she moved her eyes he would disappear.

“Battle of the bands? Are you entering the contest?” Douxie pointed to the flyer long forgotten on the floor.

“No, I’m just helping set it up. Are you interested?”

“Yes, I have a band…”

“Oh! Ash dispersal pattern, right? Randy is a big fan” she tried to play it cool. She couldn’t tell him that she knows most of his songs by heart “I heard some of your songs. You’re good”

She saw a red tint in his cheeks and this time, she was sure her tired brain wasn’t playing tricks on her.

“Thank you” he scratched the back of his neck “I heard you play the piano you have at the store. I thought you’ll enter”

“Mmmh, I’ve played since I’m kid but I don’t think I’m good enough to enter. I’m helping cuz Randy asked” she looked at Archie, he was belly up between her legs, napping.

“What?! I heard you at the store! You’re nuclear!” Douxie crouched next to her.

Y/n turned her head and looked at him “You think?”

With Douxie so close the world seemed to slow down. They were the only people in the world. Their faces just inches apart. So close that a small breeze could change everything.

“Of course” He smiled

The door opened and the world was no longer theirs. Douxie stood as fast as he could and assisted the customer.

Y/n looked down at Archie, who was already looking at her and smiled. Her face was so hot that she thought it would explode.

She yawned and Archie mirrored, the last of her energy left with Douxie.

“Sorry, Archie but I have to go” she stood up and petted his head one last time “Maybe I’ll see you later. Tell Douxie I said goodbye”

—

Y/n fell on her bed like a bag of sand. Her body gave into sleep before she could take her shoes off.

When she opened her eyes, she was in a forest. Civilisation was nowhere to be seen. The air smelled fresh, familiar.

She kneeled in one of the trees and saw a heart with H written inside. A smile erupted from her chest. She mindlessly caressed the indentation, trying to remember something, someone, but she just couldn’t reach it. Only finding a warmth feeling in her chest.

“Y/n! Where are you?” A man’s raspy voice distracted from the tree “Come home, little bird”

A sword made of sadness and forge by loneliness stabbed her chest. Her eyes filled with tears.

“I don’t know where I am” she whispered as a tear fell down her face, burgundy streaks of light surrounded her. Electricity ran through her body burning her fingertips and heart.

She looked at her hands, they were surrounded by red smoke.

Y/n woke up covered in sweat, her heart was racing but she felt fully rested. She looked at her hands and when she saw no red smoke, she relaxed.

Outside the sun had already set. She looked through her phone to see if her brother or mom had sent a text. Jim sent her a text telling her about her study date with Claire. She smiled. Jim had a crush on this girl from his class for a while now and apparently it was going somewhere. She wished him luck even if hours had passed. When she went to answer a text from Randy Toby called.

She couldn’t understand what he was saying, only the words: changeling and dental hygienist.

“Ok, Tobes I’m on my way”

Y/n jumped out of bed and drove as fast as she could to Dr. Muelas office. She would probably get a lot of tickets but she didn’t care. Knowing what she knows now, she couldn’t risk disregarding a call from Jim or Toby.

“Toby? Jim?” She screamed as she followed the sound of struggle.

She got to the door and saw her brother stabbing a troll followed by a flashing blue light.

“There goes proof” said Aaaargh!.

“Oh, my gosh! She’s in my mouth!” Toby coughed. The troll’s ashes were everywhere.

Y/n couldn’t move.

“Oh no! I killed our only evidence of a changeling in Arcadia” Jim pulled his armour off.

“And my dental hygienist” Toby screamed.

Y/n laughed. Toby could make her laugh even on her worst days.

“You finished the fight, Master Jim, and in self defense, for that matter. Vendel may continue to have his doubts but we continue to have our lives. A fair bargain, I’d say” Blinky tried to comfort him.

“He’s right, Jim” Y/n grabbed his brother by the shoulders trying to make sure her eyes didn’t deceive her and he was ok.

“Y/n? What are you doing here?”

“Toby called”

“And just out of curiosity, what are you doing in Toby’s dentist office?” Jim looked at the trolls.

“I thought it was possible that danger may come to either of you should you cross paths with the wrong changeling. So, we followed Tobias as a precaution” explained Blinky

Aaaargh! Fell from the ceiling making Y/n jump.

Blinky started talking about how he was curious about human’s oral hygiene but Y/n didn’t listen. She was more worried about dusting the troll off her brother before getting to her car.

A/n: 👀

[soracities]

How do you keep track of all these places? Is it the Pocket function or something else? Even if I bookmark my frequently used sites I end up having too many bookmarks to be useful, forgetting sites, or having a bunch of tabs open.

Visibility, visibility, visibility!! I'm subscribed to a few of my most favourite ones--not too many because my inbox would be flooded otherwise and then I know I would not read anything--there's maybe 3 max but they're definitely the ones I enjoy the most and that will provide variety in terms of subject and length.

Otherwise when it comes to the rest I'm definitely not reading from these sites every day, and sometimes weeks go by where I'm not reading anything except for maybe the 2 or 3 of the essays I get emailed to me (if even that)--but I am a pathological tab hoarder because for me out of sight is 1000% out of mind: therefore, what works for me here is making sure the sites I enjoy most (and aren't subscribed to) are as visible and accessible as possible.

The best tactic for me so far is saving my most visited sites to the bookmarks toolbar instead of some hidden folder, so that I always have a "homepage" of sorts for random readings no matter what site I'm actually on or what I'm doing. Additionally, instead of keeping multiple tabs open for days on end, I've started to actually move the links onto my desktop background so that I see them every time I log in or minimise a window and can open them far more easily this way rather than trawling through the bookmarks folders. Two or three years ago I also started making sure I printed every essay / article I enjoyed or didn't get a chance to read as a PDF to save to my computer: I can't always get to things immediately so this helps if the link dies before I can read it / paywall goes up, or even just as a more intuitive method for me to keep track of things I want to read (and also because I have limited space for all the shortcuts on my desktop--when I say I hoard tabs I truly mean it: this tab is one of, like, 20 right now, not counting the ones across 2 browsers on my phone or the ones that restore everytime I launch Firefox).

Also, I've been plugging it into every conversation ever since I downloaded it but Notion is really good for this kind of organisation, at least for me. Along with the above I have a Notion page where I keep a list of these journals / websites (links included) so that even if I'm not on my computer, I can browse without needing to rely on the reminders I've set up on it. I never bookmark things when browsing on my phone so when I find an article I really enjoy and want to save, I copy the link to a separate Notion page where I keep a list of essays / articles I read on the go, including any screenshots of passages that struck me most (this is also a great method for random articles I come across unexpectedly, either in my own readings or through friends).

So yes, really, visibility is the key thing for me and maximising that visibility as much as possible. Interestingly, when I do that it is a lot easier to actually remember these sites themselves, and get to a point where most of them are already circling about in the back of my head because I'm so used to being reminded of them. It's definitely not a perfect method, but I've tried to build in various failsafes and backups for myself so that I can manage to read something at some point, eventually without too much frustration or hassle. I hope some of these help you too, anon x

[lixiektty]

old friend — a jake sim 20th birthday special, coming soon

๛ word count: 600 (not sure how much for the full fic yet, probably less that 10k)

๛ warnings/kinks: dom!jake, sub!reader, idol!jake, language, time skips, friends to lovers, mentions of alcohol, fiction writing, unprotected sex, oral (f. and m. receiving), fingering, degradation, praise, creampie, breast play, please feel free to let me know if i miss anything!!

๛ author's note: i've always wanted to try writing this scenario especially with jake and hyunjin, it wasn't even until last week where i was like "i have to do this" and here i am writing this on the 9th and deciding to make it a birthday special for my baby daddy.

๛ summary: two year trainee, jake sim, finally made his debut as a soloist and has made it big— leading to a headlining world tour only a year after debut. when coming into the states after his shows in korea, he visits with an old high school friend only to be reminded of how much he as in love with her like he was when he was 17. if only he knew what she hid on her laptop.

๛ taglist: open | closed

"shit," jake cursed under his breath.

his phone hadn't been receiving emails for the last two days, and it was starting to freak him out. he feared if there had been anything sent to him, it would need to be responded to within a certain period.

thank god he was here with you, and you had a computer. he was sure of it, "angel," he called out.

"yes?" you reply, picking up a folded blanket laying underneath your table to drape onto yourself.

"could i use your computer? my phone's trippin' balls and i can't get to any of my emails," he asked, standing up and walking over to the couch so he could see your face.

"yeah, go for it. it should be sitting on my bed," you said, stretching your body along the couch and turning your attention back to the movie you watched.

"you're the best," jake turned to go into your bed room, laptop on your bed just as you said— slightly open with the light beaming brightly from the inside.

he walked over to your bed and kicked his feet up, just like he was at his own home. he considered it his and so did you, and that's what brought you closer again. being around each other like roommates, you only wished it'd last longer.

it would only take about five minutes to check his emails and reply to the important ones, but once he had that laptop open he was introduced to many things.

a certain open tab on your window caught his eye, only being able to read a name. his name. so being the curious bastard he was, he clicked on it reading every word written on the page. his brain was filled with many thoughts, not fully sure if he should react right now.

it was a shock. why was this on your computer, and was the sinful imagines, the literal porn in word form, your doing? something brought jake to his feet, eyes focused on every line even scrolling down to read more.

all this time, jake thought you had forgotten about him and found someone else to be interested in since he had abandoned you to purse his dream. he never slept with, thought about, or looked at another girl ever since he left. and here you were thinking about him in ways only someone extremely dirty would think.

jake was out the door before he knew it, still reading the fiction but soon coming to a stop, looking up and seeing your resting form on the couch.

you had been so distracted you hadn't heard jake open the door behind you. "y/n," jake said softly, coming from out of your room further, computer in hand, "what the fuck is this?"

you sat up and turned back towards him, not sure of what he could be talking about. you got up onto your feet and walked his way. you could've thought it was just a virus suddenly appearing once jake using your laptop with the way he was staring at the screen— no.

it was so much worse than that. the second the screen was turned your way, your eyes got big and your heart instantly sank. there was no way.

"have you been writing about me?!"

[cocklessboy]

I’m 37 years old. Two years ago I realized I was transgender and started transitioning. I now fully look and sound like a man, take testosterone HRT, and have had top surgery.

Transitioning has changed my life in loads of ways. Severe depression and anxiety turned out to be dysphoria-induced and mostly went away with the transition. The testosterone makes it easier to build muscle and I’m in much better physical condition. I used to get PMDD (like PMS but so bad it can cause suicidal thoughts, lasting for weeks out of every month) and now my emotions are pretty stable. I’m more confident. In a stressful situation, I have the ability to stand up for myself whereas before I always defaulted to submitting or running away.

But recently, my transition helped me in a very unexpected way. I started noticing that I was really hyperactive. I never used to be. I have a sleep disorder (not diagnosed yet but I have all the symptoms of narcolepsy and will hopefully be tested for it soon) and I’ve always been groggy and tired all the time. But now I don’t just have energy; I’ve become straight-up hyperactive. Cannot sit still. Constantly fidgeting - not just stimming (I’m autistic) but feeling like I have to be constantly moving around or I’ll explode.

At the same time, I was editing a video I’d been working on for ages, one where I’d recorded myself playing a game for a long period of time then was compiling all the footage into a single video with narration. I watched this footage, watched myself, and started realizing I wasn’t just hyperactive. I was constantly distracted. I’d forget what I was doing the moment something shiny caught my eye. I’d start a sentence and never finish it and forget I’d ever been talking.

I started thinking a little more carefully about my life. About how often I make a cup of tea and leave it in the kitchen to brew only to forget about it until I go into the kitchen hours later to make a cup of tea. About how I have to hold my keys in my hand as I walk out the door otherwise I know I might forget them. About how I always have to have important things in my line of sight or they’ll fall out of my brain. About how I have to set three reminders for every important event and still live in constant anxiety that I will forget, because I often do. About how I have two monitors on my computer and I always have to have several things going on at once. I can’t just watch a video, I have to play a game, too. I can’t just scroll tumblr, I have to be listening to music. I always have a ton of tabs open on my browser (which is Firefox! get Firefox if you don’t have it! it’ll change your life!) with YouTube videos which are paused partway through. I have a mountain of unfinished projects because the moment the inspiration wears off I get a new idea and start a new project instead.

Add in the hyperactivity, and... Well, I managed to get a referral from my GP for ADHD evaluation. I managed to find an English-speaking psychiatrist (I’m an American living in central Europe) who takes insurance and specializes in ADHD. After three sessions where he asked me many questions about my life and my childhood, he said he was quite sure I have “some level of” ADHD, and I could start trying medication, and then we’d start working on lifestyle changes (schedules, exercise) to make the medication as effective as possible.

When I first met him I explained that I’m transgender. My name has not been legally changed yet but I asked him to call me by my real name and he had no issue with it. Totally unfazed by the whole thing (although the receptionist was always annoyed by me and insisted on listing everything under my deadname to match my insurance - not out of transphobia, but out of bureaucratic nitpickiness). Now and then during our conversations when I was talking about my childhood he would say OH! RIGHT! I keep picturing you as a little boy. You were a little girl. I have to keep reminding myself (because the symptoms are different - I wasn’t hyperactive as a child, I was quiet, and I did well in school, which is not how most boys present). It was extremely validating that this guy not only accepted me as male, but straight-up kept forgetting that I was even trans.

So the first medication we tried was atomoxetine. This is an SNRI which was developed as an antidepressant, but only turned out to help people with ADHD. I’d had manic/psychotic reactions to antidepressants of all classes before, so we started me at a low dose, and unfortunately I started getting paranoid and hallucinating, so I stopped it immediately.

The only other ADHD medication available in this country is Ritalin (no, we don’t even have Adderall here!). It is not covered by insurance for adults because of a deeply-rooted belief in the wildly-outdated mental health care system here that ADHD is something only children have and that they should grow out of it as adults, but it’s not prohibitively expensive (a month’s supply at my current dose is about $12/£10; I’ll probably need to bump up the dose at least a little bit but it shouldn’t become unaffordable).

This medication? Is fucking magic. I’m convinced it was made by a wizard, or perhaps some kind of divine entity.

I do get some side effects. It makes me desperately thirsty and if I don’t drink a shitton of water, I get dehydrated. It kills my appetite (but it only lasts 4-6 hours and my second dose of the day wears off by evening, at which point I get very hungry and eat loads, so I’m not worried about that). It makes me slightly shaky sometimes, but that seems to be going away as my body gets used to it. It also makes me really sleepy for about an hour after I take it, which is not an officially-listed or studied side effect, but there are enough other people online trying to figure out why Ritalin makes them sleepy that I know it’s not just me. (One theory is that if you’re really sleep-deprived, as I am, but have ADHD, the sleepiness signals might not be getting through because your brain is all out of whack, and the Ritalin fixes the receptors so you finally become aware of how exhausted you are and get sleepy for a while; I’ve seen suggestions that a higher dose might fix this.)

On the other hand, I have now experienced actual happiness for the first time in my life.

I always knew I was struggling. I knew things were hard. Over time I became aware that they were not this hard for other people. But I had nothing to compare to. I didn’t know how other people felt. The world would tell me: that thing you’re struggling with is easy. Just do it. The only possible reason you haven’t done it is that you are lazy, or you don’t want to, or you’re not trying at all. Normal people did not seem to be able to comprehend how basic life tasks like making food or showering or vacuuming or writing an email could be so difficult they felt impossible.

And now I understand why. With the Ritalin, those things are easy. So easy I don’t even have to think about them. If I’d spent my whole life like this, I might not be able to understand how it could be difficult either.

With the Ritalin, when I see something I need or want to do, I can just do it. Immediately. I make the decision to do it, and then I do it. (If that sounds like a simple and obvious thing to you, congrats! You probably don’t have ADHD or any other form of executive dysfunction. If it sounds like a miracle, you might want to get yourself evaluated if you haven’t.)

With the Ritalin, a task that once involved hours or days of frustrated struggle trying and failing to get my body to move, to get myself to start Doing The Thing, wanting to do it, straining to do it, feeling guilty for not doing it, hating myself for being such a failure, might take... five minutes. Oh, right, I need to take out the rubbish. I stand up. I grab the bag. I carry it down to the building’s containers. I come back up and put a new bag in the bin. Done.

Yesterday, I placed a grocery order in the morning, then I did all of my work due for the next two days (something which on its own would normally take me 4-6 hours). Then the grocery order arrived. I put everything away, tidied up the kitchen, and chopped some vegetables to roast in the oven with some chicken (I never used to buy meat because it was too complicated to cook, or I wouldn’t be able to cook that day, and the meat would spoil before I could eat it). While it cooked, I chopped up a whole cabbage and made sauerkraut, then made three more batches of lacto-fermenting vegetables and set them all to ferment on a shelf. Then I cleaned up the kitchen. Then I ate my chicken dinner, washed up afterwards, got some exercise, showered, and had several hours left to relax and play video games before heading to bed.

In the past, getting all that done might take a week, or longer. The vegetables would have spoiled before I could start them pickling. The chicken would have been wasted. The kitchen would remain a mess. My work would get done only at the last second. I was always running out of time while also never getting anything done.

But another thing the Ritalin has made apparent is just how much I’ve been trying to do. Even with this magical medication, there is always more to do than I have time to get done. There’s so much more cleaning that needs doing. I have so many projects to work on. I have so many errands to run, so much paperwork to do, so many appointments. And until recently, I always managed to get done the most necessary things, the ones without which I wouldn’t be able to survive. I always managed to get my work done, eventually, at the last second. I managed to keep my appointments. I managed to submit my taxes (on the last possible day). But I poured so much effort and energy into it, wasted so much time struggling with it, suffered so much from the anxiety of “what if I don’t manage”, that I was miserable and exhausted all the time. It felt like the stress was slowly killing me, and it may well have been.

Now I know that I can get it all done. Eventually I’ll catch up on the housework and be able to just maintain my flat instead of constantly battling the ever-increasing mess and clutter. It’s easier to get exercise now, which makes it easier to sleep, and it’s easier to get up in the morning. I don’t waste hours lying in bed anymore. Slowly, gradually, I’m chipping away at things I’ve been putting off for years, and making progress on projects I might otherwise have abandoned.

And I’m happy. I feel happy. The pressure has lifted. The anxiety has calmed. I can do it now. The brain gremlins have gorged themselves on stimulants and passed out, and they won’t bother me again for 4-6 hours.

And all of this, all of this, is only possible because I finally realized I was transgender and transitioned. Because after 35 years of being miserable and not knowing why, I finally saw a little bit of representation that I identified with that led me to finally understanding who I am. Because I live in a country where it’s not difficult to physically transition (changing your legal gender is another question but since I’m not a citizen here that, fortunately, does not apply to me). From the day I realized I was trans and wanted to change my body, to the day I got a referral from my GP, to the day I was officially diagnosed and given permission to start HRT, was only a matter of about three months (and it would have been less if one of the doctors hadn’t been away for a few weeks).

Transitioning was the best thing that ever happened to me in so many ways. So many more ways than I ever imagined. I knew I’d be happier with my body and voice. I didn’t know my depression and anxiety would mostly disappear. I didn’t know my sex drive would change and sexual activity would become tremendously more pleasurable. I didn’t know I’d be more confident and assertive when I needed to be. And I certainly didn’t know it would help me realize I had ADHD and get proper treatment, leading to an incredibly dramatic increase in my quality of life and ability to look after myself.

I have more to say about all this, but I’ll save it for other posts. For now: trans rights, fuck terfs, fuck transphobes, trans rights, queer rights, trans rights, and praise the sun for Ritalin.

[skzhocomments]

Mafia Book #2 - PART I - The Black Iris - Chapter 7 - The Proposal

Story masterlist - please consult it for the summary of the story, trigger warnings etc.

General masterlist

Wattpad | AO3

Chapter 6 | Chapter 8

---

PART I - THE BLACK IRIS

Chapter 7 - The Proposal

chapter word count: 3.2k words

~1 month later~

~Iris' POV~

"Hello hello!" Han entered the room with a large grin across his face, which he dropped as soon as he saw me in the room. "Hi Iris." He continued sheepishly.

Seungmin and I were seated at the table in the main office – a room with a large table and multiple computer screens, where most of the SKZ' equipment was stored, and where all the intel on others was gathered.

After my discussion with Chris a month ago, it was decided that I was going to assist Han in collecting information about people, and eventually interrogate whoever we decided to bring back here. It took a bit to convince Minho, but what I really liked about him and our relationship was that I was free to do as I pleased as long as it was safe and I wasn't putting myself in too much danger. He would back me up no matter what, which was extremely reassuring.

I was also happier. After getting my revenge, the nightmares about that horrible night were only seldom, and I no longer had any intruding flashbacks when I was intimate with Minho. I always thought what happened to me was life-altering, but maybe he was right, and what I needed to do was to just put myself out there and take matters into my own hands.

Now, back to Han – although I've started coming to his and Seungmin's meetings two weeks ago, he was still shocked every time he saw me in the room, and he couldn't look me in the eyes at all. I noticed this before as well – but why?

Why was he avoiding me?

Was it something I've done? Was he just uncomfortable with me being here?

"So," Seungmin started, "now that we're all here, let's get on to work. Iris and I already talked about technicalities and which equipment will be needed for the next trade; Momo also provided us with the weapon list. All we need to do now is find out how legitimate this group in Italy is, but Iris is still unfamiliar with how your system works, so we decided to wait for you."

"Wow, you had a busy day." Han mumbled, side-eyeing me. It was weird honestly, because he didn't seem annoyed with me, nor hostile. He just seemed... embarrassed?

"And only busy days ahead." I replied, which made Seungmin chuckle.

"Yea, but then you'll go on a niceeee vacation. Lucky bitch." He replied.

"Oh yea, I can't wait. I've actually never been to Italy before."

"Neither." Seungmin continued. "But you won't see any major cities, so I don't know if I'm really jealous or not."

"Aww, are you the touristy type? The go-to-Rome-and-take-a-million-pictures kinda guy?" I teased him, elbowing his side.

"Of course! Why do you think I have so many cameras?" Seungmin replied, then eyed Han. "Why the fuck are you staying there so awkwardly without saying anything, squirrel?"

"Squirrel- Seungmin! What?!" Han opened his mouth, baffled. "I- whatever, let's just get to work."

He plopped himself down the chair next to me and opened a program so complex on his computer, it must've been what the FBI were using. He started walking me through all the tabs of the program, explaining how to use them properly to search for people or institutions.

It was honestly a lot to take in. How to use keywords, what the tools do, how to manually make connections between elements so that the system learns what to do further, how to take advantage of the AI. But what was more baffling was that you were able to find everything, since the system was using multiple databanks from all over the world.

And the most shocking fact? Han was the one who created this system from scratch.

It was a bit amusing – sure, he looked pretty smart with his round Harry Potter glasses, but he also seemed a bit dumb at times. Who would've thought this man was so impressive, so capable of such great things?

The interface of the system was user-friendly, so it was not difficult to understand it, but it was still a lot to remember.

"Anyways, I'm done here, so I'll leave you to it." Seungmin said after a while, not bothering himself with learning how the app works. After all, he was already a specialist in his field, no need to master two.

After he left, Han continued to explain to me the features of the app, and spoke for about two more hours, before he suddenly turned to me, looking in my eyes for the first time ever.

"Iris, there's... uhm... if you have any questions, you can just ask me anytime." He let his gaze fall back to the ground, avoiding mine completely once again, but I just had a feeling that he wanted to say more, so I pressed.

"Han, I do have a question..." I started, but seeing that he just listened without looking at me, I kept going. "Is there... anything you'd like to tell me, but find it hard to?"

He stayed silent for a while, when he finally nodded and stood up, grabbing two paper files. He handed them to me sheepishly, then started speaking before I had the chance to open them up and see the contents.

"The first one is... what everything Chris knows about you... and the second one is what everything Chris knows about me." He said, then looked me in the eye and finally maintained eye contact for more than 5 seconds.

"About you?"

He shrugged. "It's only fair. I'm sorry for reading your file without your permission and for sharing it with him. I didn't have much of a choice, but still – asshole move."

"True, not exactly how you gain trust from others." I chuckled. "I thought you hated me or something."

"I could never- Minho is very precious to me, so... I truly want us to get along." He handed me his hand to shake. "Friends?"

"Sure." I smiled, and he put his hand on his heart and sighed, as if extremely relieved.

"Thank God! I was soooo so worried you'd be mad at me and wouldn't forgive me, and then you'd tell Minho that you hate me and he'd start hating me too, and-"

"Hey." I chuckled, putting my hand on his shoulder. "Stop rambling."

"Sorry," he rearranged his glasses with his index finger and cleared his throat. "I tend to do that when I'm nervous."

"You either say nothing, or you say too much." I remarked, and he chuckled.

"That's my curse."

"Sucks to be you." I chuckled as well.

"So... did you understand anything today? Am I a good teacher?"

"I'm still shocked by how you managed to create all of this by yourself."

"Now, now, don't flatter me please! My head is big enough already, no need to make it grow larger!" He laughed. "Shall we go eat something? My stomach's been rumbling for 3 hours."

"Sure. Do you want to order some fried chicken or something?"

He nodded eagerly and we went to the kitchen, where Minho was sitting peacefully, typing something on his laptop.

"Hey. What are you doing?" I headed over and kissed his cheek, and he looked at me in surprise.

"Iris! Have you been released already?" He chuckled.

"What, was I in prison?" I frowned, and Han got offended as well.

"Yah! What do you mean in prison? Is it so bad to spend time with me?!" He raised his voice, and Minho stood up and pinched his cheeks.

"Cute~"

"Don't call me cute!" He rubbed his cheeks after slapping Minho's hands away.

"We wanna order fried chicken, do you want some?" I asked, and Minho nodded.

While waiting for the food to arrive, we talk some more, and I tell Minho about everything I learned on Han's system. Han seemed pleased with what I remembered, and I could tell he was a bit proud of himself, too.

"I am a bit disappointed, though." I say, and both men raise their eyebrows. "I mean- I am finally starting to get the gist of it, and we are leaving in like a month."

"You don't have to come if you don't want to." Minho wanted to reassure me, but I shook my head.

"No way in hell am I missing out on a trip with my boyfriend!" I retorted.

"By the way, when are you guys leaving?" Han asks.

"In almost 4 weeks."

"Oh, have you already sorted out the details?"

"Yea, Momo's been working pretty hard behind the scenes. She said she won't come to Italy, though." Minho chuckled. "Her exact words were: Why do I have to come?! I did all the work, you better go do at leaaaast the easy part yourself, and I'm going on a trip to a tropical island!"

"It sounds like something she'd say." Han chuckled.

"She packed her bags already, and her plane's tonight." I added, and we all shared a laugh.

~1 week later~

Strolling around the city, going nowhere, hand in hand with Minho, the neighbourhoods started becoming familiar.

"What, are you taking me back to the bridge?" I chuckled, but Minho just smiled and looked ahead.

"Just thought it would be fun to go back where everything started. I even got us some cigarettes."

"No way, after urging me to quit for so many months?" I laughed. Minho was weird like that. He held weird memories dear, like the first time we met, when he apparently got captivated by me chain smoking cigarette after cigarette.

"Don't get me wrong, I'm glad you stopped smoking, but you were smoking hot in those slutty high heels and short skirt and red lips- agh, I'm horny as fuck, should I just fuck you on the bridge?" He grabbed my arm and turned me towards him, cupping my face with his other hand and looking hungrily into my eyes.

"Shut up." I chuckled and playfully slapped his chest. He didn't flinch though.

"What, is it wrong of me to want my hot girl?" He asked with the same burning in his eyes, that were glancing back and forth to my lips.

"No, but it's freezing cold and your dick will freeze and fall off."

"Not if you keep it warm inside of you, or in your mouth-!"

"Minho!"

"Kiddin, kiddin." He laughed as well, and there we were again, holding hands and walking leisurely. Although it was almost spring, the weather was still very much cold, and you could still see our breaths in the winter air. "Well, not really, but we can go to a hotel for that."

"Oh my, shall we go now?"

"Fuck yes!" He exclaimed loudly and started dragging me in the opposite direction.

"I wonder if Italy will be this cold."

"Not sure honestly, I've never been there, but it should be warm and sunny. It'll be March after all."

"Can't wait to travel with you and see the world." I said sincerely, just as we were reaching a big 5-star hotel. That was another one of Minho's perks; he really enjoyed staying in hotels, trying all of them out. "It's good to be the tourist sometimes." He'd say, and go somewhere extremely expensive on a whim, requesting the best room and dropping an exorbitant sum on room service, alcohol or other services. It also helped taking a break from the day-to-day life in the SKZ mansion, where privacy was scarce, despite being large enough to accommodate everyone.

We headed to the reception and as expected, Minho got us the best room, and I completely disregarded the receptionist's questioning stares which made me think she was wondering how I scored someone like him who dropped 1000$ on a room like it's nothing.

Of course, she didn't know that it really was nothing to him.

She also didn't know that I wondered the same things.

I feel like all the luck I've missed out on my whole life hit me at once when Minho took an interest in me.

When we reached the room, I didn't have any time to admire the beautiful design inside; I only admired the ceiling for a few minutes, as Minho pushed me on the bed and took off my skirt at once, eating me out with no hesitation.

"You weren't joking when you said you were horny." I chuckled, and he bit my inner thigh, making me wince; that was his way of shutting me up if his mouth was too far away from mine and he couldn't kiss my words away.

The coffered ceiling was beautiful, and I found it a bit ironic that this style was the Renaissance Italian one we'd probably see a lot next week in Italy. Anyway, it was gorgeous, but what Minho was doing with his tongue between my legs was even more beautiful, and I couldn't keep my eyes open for much longer.

He knew how to fuck me, how to get me to pant immediately after touching me, so it didn't take me long to cum on his fingers.

As usual when he was able to satisfy me so quickly, his mouth curved into his signature smirk as he got on top of me and removed his blazer and shirt, painfully slow. He pressed our mouths together and didn't bother to remove his pants; he just opened the fly and took his dick out, pressing it against my entrance with no hesitation. He buried himself deep in me, thrusting slowly to gain some momentum and get used to the feeling, then pounded me quicker and relentlessly.

Mouth on mouth, he continued to make love to me for a while longer, until he came as well with a small moan.

"You're so pretty." I caressed a stray strand of hair away from his forehead, noticing his closed eyes and the small beads of sweat on his now relaxed face.

"Doll, I'm not sure if pretty is what I want you to call me."

"Do you prefer handsome then, doll?" I put my head on his shoulder and he started playing with my hair, another one of his habits. "Or what about stunning, or gorgeous? Madly attractive?"

He chuckled. "I'm glad you feel that way about me, love."

"It's only natural, with that cute face of yours." I said, touching the small mole on his nose.

Love was funny. It was incredible how you could memorise someone you loved so well. I knew each and every mole or scar on Minho's body, after tracing them with my fingers so many times. His body was covered in many scars, each of them with a more or less pleasant story behind it. When he was particularly talkative, which wasn't that often, he would tell me about these stories, old missions he's had long in the past, when Stray Kids was just beginning to establish itself as a Mafia, when they barely had any power.

"By the way, Minho? What will you even do in Italy?"

"What do you mean?"

"There probably won't be any 5-star hotels in that town we're going to."

"Ohh." He chuckled. "Yea, what will I even do? I'll have to cook myself in our little kitchenette."

"You're a good cook, so why does it matter? Won't there be any restaurants though? Even if it's rural..."

"There might be, who knows?"

"Do you think the gun trade will go well?"

"What, Iris, are you anxious?" He pinched my cheek.

"I've just never been to one, so I don't know what to expect." I pouted, and he moved quickly towards me and pecked my lips. It was so unusual to see him like this, because he was just so different towards me compared to how he was with everyone else. It was painfully obvious how much he loved me.

"Well, you will see your fiancé looking really, really badass while signing off the best deal Stray Kids ever had."

"Really, really badass, hm? Wait. WAIT!" I sat up on the bed and looked at Minho bewildered, who was just grinning from ear to ear like the damn Cheshire cat. "Did you just say..."

He stood up from the bed and searched for his discarded blazer, from which he pulled out a small box.

"No way." I shook my head. "Really?!" I looked at him, grabbing the duvet closer to my chest and feeling my eyes water up.

Minho just smiled and sat down next to me in bed, grabbing my left hand and looking at it fondly. He opened the box and took out the most beautiful ring I've ever seen: a bronze band with crafted leaves and branches entangled beautifully supporting a mint-green square diamond. This ring was so Minho-coded, I couldn't help but stare at it in awe. First of all, the colour of the diamond was not accidental; it was his favourite, mint, and it fit the piece well, giving it a touch of elegance and contrast against the design of the band. The band itself, with intertwined natural elements, were not coincidental either, as Minho has always been an avid nature lover; he'd prefer hikes over strolls around the city any day.

"My love, since we're going to Italy, do you know why married couples wear their rings on this finger?" He asked, while slipping my ring on the fourth finger of my left hand. I shook my head and let him continue. "In Ancient Rome, they believed that the vein in this finger is directly connected to the heart. They even gave it a pretty name to go with this supposition: Vena amoris, which would translate to-"

"Vein of love." I smiled, and he nodded shortly.

"You might think that this is too sudden, or even that this setting is not entirely appropriate for a proposal." He chuckled. "After all, we are in a random hotel that isn't of any importance to us, and both of us are naked. However..."

He cupped my cheeks and looked deeply in my eyes, and I wondered if I've ever been loved before, because the intensity of his stare made me think that this was how someone in love would actually look at you. Did I look the same way when I looked at him?

"I want you to know that my feelings are naked too. I am in love with you, and my mind always wanders off to you, no matter what I'm doing; in the quiet moments, or during a difficult mission, you are the only person I am thinking of, and you never cease to amaze me with how astounding you are at everything you do. I keep wondering, what do I bring to the table, to make such a smart and beautiful woman want to stay by my side? The truth is that I don't know, I'm just a simple man, but I wear my heart on my sleeve, and I truly love you, from the bottom of my heart. I never thought I'd feel this way towards someone, but now that I do, I never want to let you go. Iris, will you marry me?"

By the end of his speech, I was a sobbing mess. I grabbed his shoulders and pulled him in for a hug.

"Yes, Minho, let's elope in Italy!" I struggled to say between small cries, and we both held onto the other and chuckled, and we kissed and laughed, and kissed again, and embraced each other until night became day.  

---

The ring

---

Chapter 6 | Chapter 8

[sim-berry]

Reminders for the upcoming TS4 update!

Simmers, the new expansion pack For Rent comes out on December 7th and as we all know, big updates can mess with your game especially if you use mods. I've learned my lesson from the last few updates and I'd like to give some suggestions to help!

Note: I use the EA App for Sims 4, on a Windows computer. The methods I describe here will probably not apply to MAC users. I also don't know if these work for pirated games so just be careful!

-BACK UP YOUR SAVES. Just in case your save gets corrupted or the update somehow manages to lose your saves (this has happened to me- after the update, my saves were gone). Here's what I do:

Navigate to your "Sims 4" folder. In my case it's Documents>Electronic Arts>Sims 4.

Find your "saves" folder and right-click to copy it.

Paste your copy of your saves folder to your desktop (some people paste to their external hard drive as well, but I'm not sure how to do this)

Right click on your copy to rename it. It's a good idea to write the date on which you copied your folder. Here's my current backup:

Your saves are now backed up! If you lose your files in the game or they become corrupted, open up your backup folder, then select and copy all the files in the folder and then paste them into your actual saves folder. Your saves will then be restored! You should do this every so often just in case. I try and back up my saves once a month.

-Turn off automatic updates. This way you can choose when to update your game. I personally wait until mod creators start updating their mods and then update the game.

Open the EA App and head to your settings, then the "downloads" tab.

Turn off the "update games automatically" option.

When you're ready, update the game and enjoy!

-Follow mod creators on social media. If you use mods, it's a good idea to keep up with updates and what the creators are up to. When there's a huge Sims update, many mods (especially script mods) tend to break and need to be updated by the creators. Keeping up with them allows you to see what their plans are for updating the mods. Creators use many different platforms, but from what I've seen most tend to use Tumblr, Patreon, and Twitter/X to post updates. If I find a mod I really like, I always follow the creator. They also deserve tons of support for their amazing work!

-Know which mods are broken and updated. In addition to following mod creators, there are multiple threads that log all mods with each update. They tell us which mods are broken, which are updated, and which were unaffected by the update. If you're experiencing a glitch with a mod, you can report it on these threads. Here are examples of threads from previous updates:

Always check these before writing to an official Sims/EA forum about a glitch. If you use script mods, the bugs you're experiencing will most likely be from these mods. Also, if you use UI mods like UI Cheats, don't freak out if your UI looks like this:

Your game isn't corrupted, the mod is just outdated. UI Cheats almost always breaks after a big update. The creator of UI Cheats updates frequently, so make sure to check up on their Patreon page.

-Check in with the community if you have a bug. The Sims Forums, r/Sims4 on Reddit, and Simblr are good places to go if you have a question about a bug you're having. r/Sims4 was a lifesaver for everyone who had the dreaded tooth glitch in Growing Together. If you're having a non-mod related bug, chances are others are having it too, so don't feel afraid to ask!

I hope this helps some of my fellow simmers. Good luck with the new update and pack, I can't wait to see how my favorite Simblrs use it in their stories and gameplays!💖

[heartlandians]

Filling Empty Spaces (Amy/Mitch), part 219

Mitch and Amy find an unexpected connection due to absent lovers. Set around season 11->.

A/N: I didn’t have a beta for this story, so hopefully there won’t be too many grammar errors.

****

Mitch glanced at his laptop's screen where he still had the Facebook tab open as he held onto his cellphone. Just few minutes ago he had been lost in the world of finding Leah, but now after Lou's call all he could think about was Amy.

If the call from Lou had felt awkward and uncomfortable for him, he couldn't help but wonder how it had felt for Amy, who was - after all - in a much more vulnerable position with this.

Slamming the computer's top cover close, Mitch turned around and walked into his living room, simultaneously looking up Amy's number from his phone.

After pressing the phone against his ear, he could hear the call trying to connect.

Mitch's gaze was directed at the line of cottonwoods at his backyard, drinking in the beautiful sunlight, and among them were deer, following a narrow path to cross his property.

Any other time, it would have been a fascinating watch, like nature's own screensaver, but right now all he could think about was the possible damage Lou had been able to impose on her sister.

"Hi", Amy answered after a click noise.

Mitch could immediate tell she had either been crying or was about to, as her voice trembled a little bit. It only made him more concerned.

The distance between them wasn't much, as they were at neighbouring ranches, but it felt like she was on the other side of the world right now as he couldn't just go over to Heartland and hold her.

"Hey. Are you okay?" Mitch asked right away.

Amy let out a sigh.

"Not really", she admitted. "But how did you know to call me right now as I'm about to crumble...?" she wondered, thinking it was almost like it had been scripted.

"Lou called me too", Mitch shared. "I suspect right after you ended your phone call."

Amy scoffed.

"She told me she had to go because she had something else to do, but... she called you instead", she recounted for herself, somehow feeling even more stupid than before. "Why did she call you, anyway?"

There was no jealousy or animosity in her voice, just pure curiosity.

"She tried to ask me to keep my distance, and when I refused, there wasn't anything she could really do. I mean, it's our life", Mitch said, aimlessly walking around the living room. "Do you want me to come over?" he asked, even though they had decided that he would not drop by to see Amy until people were aware of them.

But it didn't hurt to try.

Maybe situation had changed now that Amy was feeling the way she was.

"No", Amy refused, as expected, "not that I wouldn't want that but... it's just... I feel like I don't have the energy to explain everyone here why you're coming over exactly, especially when I'm a mess like this..."

"I don't want you to be alone, Amy", Mitch said.

There was a brief pause on the line before Amy continued.

"Meet me at the meadow. I'll take Spartan for a ride", Amy planned.

"Okay. I'll be there", he promised.

****

Mitch had laid down a blanket on the grass, next to an old fallen log, on top of the hill where they could look at the scenery, but also have some privacy for a conversation.

Maverick was standing close-by, swishing away flies in the shade of the trees, while they waited for Amy and Spartan to join them.

The man checked his phone, wondering if maybe Amy had texted him that she'd be a little late, but when he saw no message notifications, Mitch tried to just trust that she'd be here when she'd be here.

For some time now, Mitch had learned that patience wasn't his strongest quality - but it was something he was actively working on. Instead of pacing around, like his body almost demanded, Mitch decided to sit on the log, to try and focus on enjoying the moment; the scenery, the weather, this nice summer day.

He had to stop doing this, going at every chaotic moment like he had to be able to save everyone from whatever they were going through. He could be there for Amy, offer his support, but that was it. He didn't need to be some type of hero.

He was good enough like this.

Breathing in, breathing out, Mitch tried his best to relax.

As far as places to relax were concerned, he couldn't have picked a better spot than this.

"Hey", Amy's voice said behind him after a while as he was still sitting on the log, grounding himself.

Mitch turned his upper body toward Amy, still having the worry over her, but now feeling more rejuvenated just from that small moment of centering himself.

She looked like an angel, with the way the sunlight beamed behind her and lit her outlines on fire.

"Hey", he said, getting up just as Amy unmounted Spartan and brought the horse closer to Maverick, tying him loosely so he wouldn't wander off. "I'm glad we were able to still meet up."

Amy nodded, then stumbling toward him in the long grass, and without saying anything, sought his cover almost like it was the only way she could breathe out the ache within her.

Mitch wrapped his arms around her, pressing his cheek on top of her head, allowing her to take her time. Her warm breath seethed through his t-shirt and onto his skin, sending a signal of connection through his body.

Now he was fully grounded.

"So..." Mitch said after a while when he felt Amy leaning back, "do you want to talk about it?" he asked, gesturing toward the blanket he had rolled over the grass.

"Yes, I do, actually", Amy nodded, sitting down.

Mitch sat next to her, leaning onto the log just like she did.

"I just feel like... the more I talk about my feelings - the more I explain myself - the more I'm being... misunderstood or misinterpreted, almost like on purpose", Amy sighed, shaking her head and blinking off the tears that she couldn't hold back.

Her tone was worn out, as if she was carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders.

"And after a while it just gets exhausting to even try to be heard. Because what's the point? No one listens, anyway... No one wants to hear me", she continued, sounding drowsy.

Wrapping his arm behind Amy's shoulders, Mitch pulled her closer gently.

"And there's just something so cruel about the way sisters know how to inflict pain on each other. It's psychological... Something about the intimacy of it all", Amy scoffed, almost shuddering. "Or that's been my experience, at least", she added, clenching her jaw.

"I'm sorry", Mitch wanted to say. There was a part of him that wondered if he had brought in some of that pain, but Amy's last sentence made it sound like maybe it ran deeper than here and now. "Do you feel like you at least could say everything you wanted to say to her?"

"I did, but... I don't know how much of it she heard", Amy's voice trailed off into a mumble. "But... whatever. I tried. I can't put my energy into that anymore. It's too draining. At some point I just gotta live my life", she sighed heavily.

"Well, you have a right to live your life like you want", Mitch said, figuring maybe Amy needed someone else to say it in order to feel validated. "Not just with this, but... whatever it may be."

"I know... but I just feel like my feelings have been weaponized against me. I've shut down and not expressed my needs, because it's been safe, but I don't want to do that anymore. Especially not with you, when this feels so right and when you make me feel so alive", she said, looking at Mitch.

Mitch kissed her forehead gently, hoping it would let her know he felt the same way.

"But I feel like I'm not allowed to, for some reason. Like everyone else has a plan for me that I should follow. But I don't want that. I want this. I want my life", Amy went on.

Mitch nodded, then kissing the top of Amy's head again and caressing her shoulder.

"And if I don't do that - if I don't live my life - I'm afraid I become sad again. Like everyone else will be happy, but I will be sad", Amy was hardly able to push the words pass her vocal cords. "And it's so terrifying to feel sad..."

The man next to her tilted his head back, trying to see her face. He could sense this was a big reaction for her - and maybe there was even a bigger one coming.

"Why?" he asked, as for him sadness was a thing that always passed, just like every other emotion. It was part of life, something that people felt in order to then appreciate the good times.

"Because I've finally been able to find a little bit of happiness for myself, but... if I allow myself to feel sad again, it's scary to have no idea if this just... a bad day or another dive into darkness", Amy said, holding back a sob.

"Hey..." Mitch said softly, his brows furrowing out of worry.

"I don't want to feel like I've felt for years; taking turns feeling sad or numb. It almost destroyed me the last time, I don't know if I'm able to do it again. I don't know if I have any fight in me anymore. I just want to feel happy. I just want to feel happy..." she continued, crying now and turning herself against Mitch, clutching his shirt in her fist.

It was becoming hard for Mitch to convince himself that this moment didn't need some sort of hero to know the right words, but since he didn't have the right words, as he didn't know what there even was to say to make it all go away, all he could do was the best that he could in this moment.

He could listen.

That was what Amy wanted - and needed - in this moment.

And so, he did.