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cherra-khunatta · 4 years ago

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冷戦的な物語 (The Cold War Story)

Nope, this is NOT the exact Cold War that you often hear in history books. This is the Cold War that I have experienced myself, with the person whom I called, my “special someone.”

Allow me to share to you the details... if you peeps do not mind, hehehe (PS: He’s no longer on FB and IG for personal reasons).

Chapter 1: Santa Maria Colegio de Ciudad Quezon

2007 - Many things happened during this time. I was still “in love” with my first serious crush in school, and we barely finished yet first year high school. Also, this was the year that I met “you know who” during the recognition rites practice. Oh, don’t remind me about it since I was in freshman of high school, and that wasn’t the most pleasant experience I had—like I was too busy like having butterflies on the stomach, thinking what I would do to please my crush again.

OO NA, CRUSH darake demo imi ga nai to wakaru yo. Demo sono ato, infatuation ga nakunatta.

Well, nakilala ko lang si “future” crush sa recognition rites practice and whatnot. HEARING HIS NAME means, basically iyung maputing chinitong kulang sa height, pero when his name was mentioned, like I was SHOOKt. HANTAI PALA!!! xD

Pero di ko pa crush iyun. Kayo naman.

At RANDOM pa ako nag-a-add sa Friendster... and sorry to say that includes him.

That year was also the time I really NEED to move on from my first crush. So yeah, nagka-crush ako sa teacher (ALAM NIYO NA IYAN! Charot!), na sorry to say, ‘di ko masyadong nagustuhan ang teaching style (chos!). Well, let me tell you this: That teacher was only some “transitional period” figure so that I could just “move on” from my first crush, who obviously was rejecting me all throughout (dahil nga sa nangyari... and I never thought of transferring schools at the first place, thinking that the alma mater where I regretted studying will eventually change and open up to new ways of thinking).

And so, yeah.

Until during this one episode where... I just saw him alone during I think, recess time? HAHAHA. I was like, I dunno, I just fell for him without even knowing his true identity. I only knew his face and name, and that’s about it. DAKEDO—miryokuteki na kao ha? Chotto... sukoshi heibon nano ha... futsuu na shakai ni yoru to, sore no hou ga tekitou na keiyou da yo.

And so, yeah. Parang ganun na nga.

I asked my batchmate (well, he wasn’t my clubmate that time, so yeah...) who he was. DAFUQ kilala niya pala. Clubmate niya pala. AHAHAHAHA. I guess, it was like it came to my senses that he’s pretty attractive to my taste dahil nerdy, tsaka he takes his academics seriously. Ayun.

And yes, I really WANTED to have this formal meeting with him. Get to know each other kaya ayun. I added him eventually on Yahoo! Messenger, and that’s it. We started chatting.

And mind you mga beh, sobrang KILIG KILIG much ako, without even formally meeting him. Well, kinukulit ko kasi ng bonggang-bongga iyung friend ko na clubmate siya.

OK ok... until it came to my senses na gan’to nga. YES I WILL MEET HIM NA...

That smile from my face is not a joke. I usually greet him and talk small talk with him whenever we meet. Ayun.

LAHAT LAHAT I showed my entire tatemae towards him, and I was introducing him to my friend who’s a batch lower than him pero batch higher sakin. In short, third year level siya. And yes... kasama niya meiwaku niyang kabarkada na sumira ng lahat.

OO... at hindi ko na lang siya babanggitin dahil... I will discuss that later.

So, ayun. ALL OF A SUDDEN everything was gone. Ganun-ganun lang dahil sa nangyari. I was fucking humiliated and embarassed and shit. Ayoko nang pag-usapan and somehow, medyo it left a mark in my life na gan’to. And that time, I wasn’t really in good terms with some of my classmates dahil sorry to say, I was dealing with a lot of demons in my head. Ni hindi man lang talaga in-explain sakin ng maayos ang mental health condition ko (which you know, has emerged ever since before naging uso ang SPEAK OUT re: mental health awareness; well, no offense sa mga may mental health issues).

Somehow, another factor that destroyed our friendship was online games. DOON NA TALAGA nag-start ang Cold War.

And knowing the strict rules of this alma mater? FUCK NO. I won’t explain everything in detail na.

OK so to speak: Hindi na kami friends sa Friendster, at saka di na kami nag-uusap gaano sa YM, and yes, hindi parin kami friends sa Multiply something like that.

So to speak. NO JIDORI. Kahit civilian-wearing day, shit na malagkit, no communication with him. Just pure cold war via away thru social media for petty reasons.

2008 - And yes, he graduated from high school, and I do not have any idea about his college. Well, none of my business tho. The Cold War still continues.

So to speak, HINDI KO SIYA BINATI NUNG TANJOUBI NIYA. KAHIT GUSTONG-GUSTO KO.

Third year high school - So ayun. I met his imouto (LOL), and you know what? Ayun, sneak peek: NAGPAKILALA AKO SA KANYA with my best buddy... you know what I mean?

Hindi ko lang hinalata na kilala ko si kuya niya and shit.

DAFUQ. NAGKA-ALAMAN na during this episode like... putcha inamin ko na lang sa imouto niya na kilala ko siya at may gusto talaga ako sa kanya.

And you see, kahit pumupunta-punta kuya niya just to get her report card, like jusko, BAKIT HINDI KO PA SIYA LAPITAN!? I WAS SHOOKt. Confused me was like, I just want to talk to him, but I can’t. Social distancing lang ang peg, beh? xD

Tuloy parin ang Cold War sa internet. Walang katapusan.

Pero this was at the same time, my best buddy’s movements were kind of far from normal. Iyun din ang factor na may huge impact sa buhay ko... which would determine my future career in the long-run... (lol may pa-ganun ganun pa?).

Si meiwaku na lang talaga... she got the nice things, but on the following year I was LEFT WITH NOTHING! Admins must answer my demands... charot!

2009 - Ayun. Wala paring katapusang Cold War. Pero this time, I parted ways with my best buddy (sorry, wala nang ibang choice eh). AYOKONG mangyari iyun talaga... pero parting ways with him made my fourth year high school the WORST part of my high school life. Kasi tuwing anjan si best buddy, no one will really touch me (me paganun-ganun pa).

But yeah, I have to suck it up.

Gusto ko nang tumakas from that so-called tyrannical high school which has the crappiest quality of education in history. Putang ina talaga. Sorry for the language, but that school has to be accountable for damages (waley charot!).

That was also the time I commented on someone’s post na ganito ang school niya na gumagamit ng gantong language. Well, derogatory pa nga ang term eh (LOL).

COLD WAR PARIN.

2010 - Graduate na ako ng high school (SA WAKAAAAAAS!). Well, the bad memories and sh*t because I think the one responsible for sectioning students INSULTED ME ALL THROUGHOUT, and yeah.

Chapter 2: Pamantasang Taft Avenue

I FINALLY CAME TO HIS SCHOOL. YEE-HAW!

Pero di parin tapos ang laban. Again, the Cold War has re-emerged on what? Formspring! The shittiest website you’ll ever encounter in your entire life.

Somehow, I gained more EMENIES online... because you know that anime and video games are kind of BANNED in our household, but I watch anime secretly through torrent (shhhhh). Nalagyan pa ng VIRUS ang laptop ko dahil gusto ko talagang ma-download iyung mga content na ANIME talaga. And why the F*** did I NOT take up Japanese studies instead, if I love anime? Well, then and again the meiwaku person’s gaslighting and sh*t...

And 2010 was my FUCKING WORST YEAR because sinagad ko pa nga ang college. Bakit di na lang ako nag-gap year and shit? At gini-guilt trip pa nga ako na dapat UST na lang ako dahil ganto. But NO. Wala sanang problema ang UST but look, you want me to experience another part 2 of my high school alma mater? NO WAY, Jose. At talagang gusto ko na talagang mag-civilian clothes because it signifies FREEDOM!

Oh wait—freedom my ass. Wala parin akong bonggang-bonggang freedom dahil I was still continuing to BATTLE MY INNER DEMONS like WTF was I born this way and smth like that... ayun.

Medyo nasa stage talaga ako ng self-deprecation, NO THANKS to my background and whatnot. Everyone had really aristocratic features, and academic achievements and they’re so confident about themselves (TEKA... baka FULL of themselves).

And that’s also the time na parang hindi ko rin feel ang mga magiging kasama ko for the first 2 terms. Sorry to say, but it seems that I did not belong to their league at all.

Parang ganun.

And then again, AYOKO NANG MAG-ELABORATE gaano.

This year was the only year I learned to RISE UP from my mistakes. 2 fucking failures only means that “O AYAN, sa sobrang conceited mo kasi, ba’t di mo kaya babaan pride mo?”

Di mo masisi, turbulent masyado ang high school life ko. Meganon. Chos.

2011 - So yeah, third term of my college life... I decided to cross-enroll because I really do not feel to be with these sorts of people. YES, the elitistas.

YEAH... they only dress nicely and speak English like a person from the soshal high society pero manners ANLAYO... parang alipin race by practice parin pero naka-LV ang mga luka-luka.

KAYA AYOKO NA SILANG MAKITA! Charot!

This year was also the first time I came to Japan. MY DREAM DESTINATION! Pero huwag kayo, naging favorite country ko talaga siya (well sorry to say, na-”brainwash” ako ng mga libtard ideas that time, abandoning the conservatism from high school) dahil sa anime pati video games.

Sinabi ko talaga, sana makabalik ako sa Japan. KAHIT European studies ang major ko nun.

And yeah... medyo hindi ko na ma-open mind ko because of this constant fear-mongering from this sort of environment that isn’t really open to new ideas and only cares about snobbery. Kaya siguro mas malapit ang loob ko sa mga hard sciences majors dahil ‘di hamak mas open-minded tsaka conservative in practice talaga sila... and f*** liberals, ya know.

OO, Cold War parin talaga, fren. Di kami nag-uusap at kahit nakikita ko rin siya paminsan-minsan, I just do some sorts of weird stuff and yeah...

2012 - THESIS year. Jusko... heto pa talaga ang pinaka-judgment day sa lahat. Like, ga-graduate pa ba ako, kahit sabihin nating pasaway student ako nun?

Pero, Cold War parin.

2013 - The time I graduated from college. INUNAHAN KO SIYA! BWAHAHAHAHAHHA!

Pero huwag kayo—medyo rocky road din ang taong ‘to dahil I decided to reconcile with my best buddy and raised the white flag dahil nga siyempre, I tried to forget him but NO WAY... he was a huge part of my life kaya papano ko siya kakalimutan? Diba?

Well, because I fucking missed the graduation ball of my batch. AYOKO sanang pumunta dun for personal reasons... well, may tiket na ako pero gusto ko talagang ibenta. PRAMIS!!!

The result? GAP YEAR from looking for work. Just to attend next year’s grad ball.

After I graduated, I went to South Korea for the 1st time and JAPAN... for ze second time around. First time in Tokyo.

Grabe.

Wala akong masabi.

Dun na siguro nagsimula ang formal Japanese lessons ko.

Pero again, COLD WAR parin.

2014 - YES!!! I attended the grad party... with my high school bestie. Sobrang happy ko nun dahil makakasama ko siya muli. <3

AND...

Pumasok ako sa law school. WELL, LAHAT NG MGA MAHAHALAGANG GAMIT KO, NAWALA SAKIN. F*** those 3 drivers na alipin race by practice! I HEYT DRAHGS!!!

Pero, Cold War parin.

Chapter 3: Travajo, Shigoto, Arbeit

2015 - The time HE graduated from college. Well, I was already studying photography so yeah... and during this year, this is where I had my very first job. Ayun. Meaning to say, new crushes and sh*t, and yeah, meeting new people.

Pero, Cold War parin.

At the same time, meeting new people? Dalawa rin naging crush ko. Pero LABAG sa kalooban ko at pumunta kami ng North America. FUCK... I don’t wanna come back but my parents insisted and sh*t.

Sorry to say, pa-sh*th0l3 na kasi iyung alam niyo na, pinaka-supposedly makapangyarihang bansa sa buong daigdig este hegemon. Gomen nasai to my American friends, but if you knew me closer and deeper, no offense to your country tho!

I was sooooo inggit sa mga taong nakapag-Japan on this year. Haist. Di afford mag-Japan pero afford mag-US? ABNORMAL OI.

Hanggang kapritso’t pabonggahan lang kayo dun eh. And I HATE IT!

Pero 2015 is also the year that I really need to move on from you-know-who. Kasi jusko, dami-daming gwapo diyan! Hindi lang siya!

2016 - WAIT... this is the best year for me... and pretty much the worst. First time kong pumunta ng Kyoto and thought that this is like the Philippines when it’s summer. Tourists weren’t really too many and yeah, move on talaga from that special someone dahil inisip ko one day, mahahanap ko na talaga ang special someone ko. Jusko, daming mas gwapo pa dun anoh! HAHAHAHA.

And my first time to USJ! YEE-HAW!

Bonggang-bongga’t heto na rin ang “moment of truth has finally arrived” and sh*t, at saka PANIBAGONG CRUSH all the way... sa work ko pa nakita at dehins basta-bastang tao iyun! BWAHAHAHAHA at siya pa nga nag-udyok sakin mag-art (BWAHAHAHAHA).

Hindi biro iyan—kung di dahil pinapunta ako sa Craft Mania, malamang I would have NEVER spent my money ng bonggang-bongga sa mga art materials na di ko pa alam gamitin that time. Pabonggahan lang and sorts of stuff (KIDS, don’t try this at home, ha? Learn to save your keep kahit papano)—para lang mag-show off.

2017 - COLD WAR PARIN.

2018 - COLD WAR PARIN.

Pero mind you, this is when the defining point of time I really have to prove myself na worthy akong mag-Japan. NOPE. Not the Japayuki sort of thing dahil... watashi no kao kara suru to, not to brag, but does it seem like... DO I LOOK LIKE A JOKE TO YOU!? Beh, move on na! Hindi na high school itey! Chos!

Pero mind you, this was also the time I un-expectedly PASSED JLPT for the first time. I literally was happy, but still not complacent. Nakukulangan pa ako.

And this is also the time I proved to myself, babalik ako sa Japan to fulfill my childhood dream: Disney Resort sa Japan dahil dun ko talaga gusto eh! Haist talaga, malas ako at dehins ako half-Japanese, you know that feeling of wanting to go to Japan before 2010 because of the cool stuff... pero turns out hindi. Mamaya na.

And after going to Tokyo Disneyland? The next day, we went to unexpectedly the art store that would become my FAVORITE PLACE in the world dahil na-meet ko na ang lalakweng nagpa-tibok ng puso ko. CHAROT!!! Imagine, grabe OPPOSITE niya talaga ang color ng mga Binay, walang gluta pa iyan! Pero likas na gwapo’t magaling pa mag-English (never mind his funny accent LOL). At BAROK pa Nihongo ko nun. As in hazukasii tsukaikata desho! w

Siya ang defining moment ng buong trip ko sa Japan. Dahil siyempre, he has this smile na sobrang sincere at walang pretensions... like he was like that dude whom you want to take for dinner. LOL me paganun-ganun pa.

AT siyempre, back to you-kn0w-who again, tensions are getting relaxed, pero COLD WAR PARIN technically.

2019 - Heto na iyung taong formally pumunta ako ng Japan na walang uwian talaga. Dire-diretso na ang paninirahan ko bilang ryuugakusei. At siyempre, hazukashii parin dahil shit talaga na malagkit, my Japanese wasn’t very very good. Sono kaiwa nouryoku ha zenzen hazukashikatta desho. Maa, mou takusan naratta houga yoroshii yo.

And YES, I went to different places like Kamakura, Yokohama Chinatown, Kobe, Hiroshima, Fukuoka, Nara... shit andami na talaga. Dahil naka-stay ako sa Japan for a year. And my mom often visits me dahil siyempre hitorgurashi ako ditey. And it’s quite depressing ya know—loner, iyung feeling na welcome ka pero di ka parin belong sa society nila. At medyo confused stage parin ako dahil pagod na ako ng bonggang-bongga sa Philippine politics kaya I need a fucking break. But no... things don’t really work that way ya see.

Chapter 4: The moment of truth has finally arrived—tokoro no naka ni ha, Nippon de

And this is one defining moment when wait... like I went to Kobe for the first time around...

Nandito na lang ako sa Japan, at siyempre iyung crush ko na iyun talaga (oi, hindi si opposite skintone ng mga Binay, ok?), I just want to reconcile with him ever since. So, why not again... do something about it?

Remember, wala nang Yahoo Messenger. Wala na ring Friendster. Pati Multiply tigok na rin. At saka wala na ang online games, anoh? DotA na lang tsaka Mobile Legends, pagkaka-alam ko.

And so it happened like this...

He already viewed my IG posts, and that was the time I really had to focus on my studies in the bekka program. Andito na lang ako sa Japan, at saka you know... like the kalungkutan in my eyes show that despite that I love Japan, and I wished to naturalize in the place I consider my second home, parang gusto ko nang i-abandona iyung idea na iyun. Because for one, I am fully aware that Japan is not an immigration-friendly country.

So yeah, because he views my stories on Instagram, I guess this is the time I have to poke him on Facebook?

Oo, sa Messenger ko pa ginawa iyun.

And surprisingly, he sent me a message.

Ayun.

Wait lang ha... ayun.

Nakita ko na talaga na “Sorry sa late reply... ano po iyun? Oh, na-alala nga kita, at sorry sa nagawa ko noon. Sobrang immature ko nun at alam mo na hindi ka deserving sa ganun.”

Umiyak ako. Bonggang-bonggang reconciliation na talaga ang ramdam ko.

Nagpasalamat talaga ako sa kanya, siya iyung dahilan kung bakit nandito ako sa Japan. Shikata ga nai kedo, kung di dahil sa kanya well... I would never be in Japan right now.

Siya parin talaga ang babalikan ko at the end of the day. At hindi ko mai-tatanggi na siya talaga ang inspirasyon ko sa pagpunta ko rito sa Japan bilang ryuugakusei.

2020 - Coronavirus.

Heto na rin ang taon na for good na ang rainichi niya. Totsuzen iyun, hindi iyan ang original plan niya. And his company was already dissolving, so he has to deal with things and stuff before he gets free time.

At takot talaga siya sa coronavirus.

At naka-graduate pa ako. Pasado ko lahat mga subject ko. Pero hindi parin ako kuntento talaga. May kulang pa.

OO, nung panahong iyun sobrang depressed talaga ako. Fuck, all the good and the bad memories in my Japanese university were like, emerging again, just looking at the clothes.

It’s like telling me I really have to go back home.

Kailangan ko nang umuwi ng Pilipinas dahil wala na ako gaanong obligasyon dito sa Japan. Also, whenever I wake up in the morning? I often get depressed, wishing nagtagal lang ako dito sa Japan, pero mukhang hindi talaga para sakin ang Japan, iyan ang ramdam ko.

But I wished so hard, magkita pa kami.

Kotoshi no rokugatsu - Dapat nakauwi na ako ng Pinas nitey. Oo nga, dahil hanggang gantong buwan lang ako andito sa Japan. And I’m stuck in a limbo simply because of that panirang coronavirus.

I cannot admit, I was battling my own demons while I was in school. Like, hindi ko talaga tanggap ang nakaraan ko because I wasted my time being YOLO. Like, ano ba talaga gusto ko paglaki ko?

Fuck, how I wish I planned earlier, but certain factors like political something something was a hindrance. PERO HINDI.

Until I finally decided to meet him.

Lubusin ko na’to. I worked so effing hard just to bring back our friendship. I wanted a closure. I WANTED IT EVER SINCE. Gusto ko na talagang tapusin ‘tong kabanatang maitataguri kong Cold War.

The Cold War that shaped me into a better person, I guess?

June 10 - The day we finally met.

The day when eventually, niyakap ko siya at tinawag ko na sempai.

I finally found the closure I was seeking for.

I noticed, maraming nagbago for sure: First and foremost, inamin niya ring dehins niya gusto masyado ang nangyari sa high school life... and yeah mas enjoy di hamak ang college life, where he learned a lot of stuff.

Sa Japan pa talaga, of all places. I tried other sorts of cultures, if this will fit me, but in the end I simply ended up being in the place I consider my second home, and met my crush there and had the closure I was seeking for: Didn’t expect he would delete some of his social media accounts which sorry to say, parang Fall of the Berlin Wall ang peg.

I was like, I would never expect him to be the person I knew since high school. Kung di ko man lang na-afford makipag-jidori sa kanya o batiin siya sa Meris o sa La Salle...

Kaya siya tinatawag na Cold War.

#Cold War story #original #SMCQC #DLSU #Cold War #Saint Mary's College of Quezon City #De La Salle University #De La Salle University - Manila #DLSU-M #DLSUM #La Salle #An1mo #Marian #Lasallian

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