#Crack (mostly)

[rockingrobin69]

That Fucking Curse

crack, 3333 words, find it on AO3

Harry looked down at his dick.

“Call me Richard,” it said in a low, self-pleased whisper. Harry smacked his head against the wall harder.

“This isn’t real,” he told himself, out loud. His own voice was high and scratchy in his ears. He needed a drink. He needed to lie down and maybe to, er, die, or something.

“I assure you it is, my boy,” said—said—the thing peeking from his trousers, and what, the fuck, was even happening?

“What,” said Harry.

“It is as real as you or I. As real as us both. You can feel me, can you not? In your hand.”

Harry released it as if struck, biting down on a scream. His cock bounced once, and gave him an almost accusatory look, which—what. His cock didn’t have eyes to give any sort of look with. Harry was rather certain it could not in fact give him a look.

But it did, sort of, a withering one, and Harry slumped all the way down to the floor on a sigh. He rubbed his face until it tingled. A curse, he thought, bleakly. He got himself cursed with a talking dick. This was so far out of the usual that it almost seemed plausible.

“Unsatisfactory,” said the thing with the voice. “Harry. You cannot just leave me like this.”

“Leave you,” Harry echoed. His head felt oddly light.

“Do not!” with a tinge of urgency. “It is in poor grace to keep a man hanging.”

Harry made a sound, high in his throat. Not quite laughter. “A man,” he said. “You are not a man. You’re a cock. You’re a talking, whining cock who’s talking to me and making absolutely no sense. And you’re attached to me. By flesh. And you are talking. And you are a cock.”

“I have a name, you know,” huffed the talking cock, and Harry—lost it. Chuckling helplessly into his palm:

“A name!” he nearly yelled, hoarse, “you have a name!”

Another bounce made him gasp. “Yes. It is Richard, as you well know. Take good note of it, Harry. Sooner or later you will do as I tell you, and it had better be sooner, or we will both be quite unhappy.”

The chuckling became raging laughter, reedy. “Bossy,” he whispered to no one in particular. “My cock is so bossy.”

“Your cock,” said his cock, “is Richard, and he is chagrined, seeing as you refuse to heed—”

“My cock,” Harry said, louder. He was heaving for breath. Could not get it to fit inside his flailing lungs.

A moment or longer passed like that, the only reminders that Harry was still alive in his squirming belly, in his hiccoughing chest, in his hard, aching cock. Richard was hard. The thought alone sent him deeper into hysterics.

“Will you—” when Harry was wailing, “—just, listen! I am sick and tired of the neglect. You have to let me find release. You must, or else we go mad. I can help you. I can make it so good for you. Harry, let me.”

“Mad.” The whole thing was… he sighed. “Go mad.”

“Yes!”

“You mean, madder than my cock talking to me.”

“Yes.”

“Madder than my cock deciding its name is Richard.”

“Quite so.”

“Madder,” Harry’s voice rose, “than it demanding I bring it off. In clearly enunciated words.”

“Yes, yes, yes! Much madder than that! Would you have me beg? Is that what you want, you monster?”

Harry’s belly was in stitches. He could hardly even gasp. “Now I’m a monster,” he rasped, wiping his eyes. “Because I refuse to let Richard come.”

“I know your type,” Richard was saying, seething, probably giving him another one of those looks, Harry couldn’t tell, wasn’t watching. “You’d have me in a cage night and day. You would lock me, and throw away the key, and give me no relief. You would toy with me until I am panting, desperately untethered, on the precipice, and just as I reach the edge, you would snatch it away from me, leaving me helpless, inflamed, raging. Is that what you like, Harry? Is that how you would treat old Richard?”

Gooseflesh rippled up his arms, down the back of his neck, and then the last words hit. “Old,” he said, “o-old… Richard…” truly, helpless, dissolving into mindless laughter, descending into true madness. This, he decided, was the cruellest curse he’d ever encountered, and the most hilarious thing he’d experienced, and he hated and adored whoever did this to him. George, he expected. Or maybe Malfoy. He was always happy to play a trick or two on him, the bastard.

“Oh,” said a voice, a—right, said Richard. “What was that you were thinking about? Go back. It felt good.”

Panic cramped in his gut strangely like laughter.

Read the rest on AO3!

[ao3-shenanigans]

beans n cheese

Beans, beans, the magical fruit

The more you eat, the more you toot

The more you toot, the better you feel

That’s why we have beans with every meal

[paintedcrows]

Totally Normal Trigonometry Things

[abyssal-ilk]

no more romance. romance is canceled. tell me about your warden/hawke/inquisitor's best friend and any info you want to add about their dynamic 🖐

[ninjasmudge]

the most unrealistic part of this is the idea that lamb has an iphone

original post here

[jaempanini]

Heighten your expectations ☆

lee donghyuck x fem reader

What? Mark has a sister?! Donghyuck wasn't exactly sure what exactly he expected when he was told that Marks' sister would be visiting. Maybe he expected a girl who's as nice and goofy as Mark, or maybe a girl who's shy, but what he didn't expect was Yn Lee, who's apparently a biomedical engineering major, a part-time model, and also a bitch.

aka hyuck is a loser, youre the epitome of perfect (except for your attitude), mark is a little confused on why hyuck doesnt like you, your friends think hyuck is lowkey obsessed, hyucks friends think he is definitely obsessed, and perhaps there's also a weird ass ex out on the loose

WARNINGS: swearing, kys kms jokes, implications of a past toxic relationship (warnings will also be written at the start of each chapter!)

NOTES: please dont bully me, this is my first ever smau 🙏 ill try to update regularly, but no promises! tbh idk how a taglist works but ill add whoever wants to be on it !!! thank you to whoever reads this

PLAYLIST: Obsessed, Mariah Carey – DOGTOOTH, Tyler, the Creator – Pricey, NCT 127 – Bored!, Ningning – Go Gina, SZA – Good Bad, Ella Mai – Please Please Please, Sabrina Carpenter – Shirt, SZA – boyfriend, Ariana Grande – I'll Kill You, Summer Walker – Impurities, Lesserafim – Cool With You, Newjeans

STARTED ON: 20/01/2025

STATUS: ONGOING

5 bad bitches

silly squad

000 What about girls night?!

001 Five baddies five baddies one toyota

002 Mark, where did you go?! (partly written)

003 Even she was weirded tf out

004 Who did you spend $2.13 on...

005 OH MY GOD OUR STOVE IS ON FIRE

006 I aint doing all that

007 Terrible day ahead of us

008 Small dick big dreams

TAGLIST: OPEN!!

[notcreative360]

Mammon: *Finds Barbatos laying down on the sofa, with a blanket on* What the fu-

MC: He found a rat in the kitchen, and came here to crash for the night without even asking..

Mammon: And you're just gonna let him!?

MC: Yes.

[florida3exclamationpoints]

The Sound of Music + textposts pt. 1/?

[thatmightyheart]

endlessly funny to me when people call havoc 'boytoy'

[seapotty]

Watching prison break and I'm so far past the point where it was watchable but we gotta see Mikey pull another one off. We've gotta prison break out of this Cycle Mike.

[scribescrawls]

Heard Starscream has an immortal spark and crack theory headcanon that it’s not because it was an accident that he was born with a ‘mutant’ immortal spark, but rather it was Primus purposefully making him that way as a wild card in case Unicron ever came back. A wild card where things could go really badly for everyone or really well depending on what Starscream does and you don’t know which it’ll be, but sometimes that kind of unpredictable chaos in desperate situations can change the tide of things tipping the scales in small ways that have big ripple effects. Like running out of ideas and just throwing spaghetti at the wall and see what sticks lol

Like Optimus Prime is Primus’ favorite, he holds the Matrix defending Cybertron and all around doing his best to protect others. Optimus is god’s blorbo.

But imagine Starscream is his poor little meow meow. The dog he put in the room to eat the chess pieces when Unicron isn’t looking. Primus cannot predict what the frag Starscream will do, but that means neither can Unicron. And Starscream can’t die, not in a way that matters. But also imagine Primus decides to never tell Starscream that he has an immortal spark because he thinks he should get to live a normal life (with all the good and bad that entails) without the burden of knowing all of that since there’s a possibility Unicron will never return anyway. What if Starscream is Primus’ silly rabbit.

[bookishjules]

i think the show is playing a smart game of chess here, getting each of our characters in the positions they need to be in. in the arch museum, percy almost tells annabeth that he'd choose her side over his dad's. we know in the books, that this is the sentiment annabeth gives percy in the zoo transport van.. but at the point that percy says this in the show, i don't think annabeth would be prepared to respond in kind. she's too loyal to her mom, to the systems she's learned to abide within. in order to get her to that point, she needs a reason to put percy first.

by making the echidna attack at the arch occur because athena got embarassed and upset about her daughter standing by while another kid made a decision.. and then having percy be the one to stand up and defend annabeth against the monsters that had basically come from athena at this point.. the show is giving annabeth that reason. athena will fight her. percy will fight for her. and now suddenly her character is perfectly positioned to choose percy.

[strawberri-draws]

Manifesting boothill and robin next event 🙏

[zazatur]

WoAGHH I keep forgetting to post this lol

anywaysss is this a safe space for Tinammy or should I stfu..

[bobabirdd]

I think thats how their dynamics work

[enbysiriusblack]

what if i said james as the one who comes up with the idea to be animagus for remus & tells him to eat when he's stressed about the moon & makes sure he's okay before and after every full moon during the holidays & forces pomfrey to let him sit with remus in the hospital wing whilst he's recovering