#Cordelia doesn’t care much for Alastair sorry

[im-out-of-it]

“Tom,” he said carefully. “If I could talk to you for a moment.”

Thomas stood up, almost knocking over the table. Cordelia looked at him in astonishment.

“I told you before that if you spoke to me again, I would throw you into the Thames,” said Thomas. His normally open, friendly face was twisted into an expression of fury. “You might at least have chosen a warmer day to take your plunge.”

“Stop,” Cordelia threw down her napkin. “Alastair is my brother, and I love him. And this is my wedding day. No one will be throwing my family members into the Thames.”

“Honestly, Thomas,” said Lucie, looking at her friend with disappointment. Thomas clenched his fists at his sides.

“Now,” said Cordelia. “Will someone tell me what this is all about?”

“This is- unbearable,” he said. “It is not to be endured.”

“It is what you deserve”- Matthew

ONCE AGAIN AN INAPPROPRIATE POV

literally we only get a semi right pov about their whole issues and it seems to be cut short. we never get to see Alastair’s thoughts and emotions and how HE FEELS. it’s either in lucie or Cordelia’s pov.

1. it has to take a lot of nerve and strength for Alastair to face Thomas knowing that Thomas is angry with him

2. Thomas has every reason to be upset and I don’t really like Lucie acting disappointed but I also don’t like how they can’t have a simple fucking moment alone to talk

does Thomas seriously have to be arrested for them to finally talk?

3. I don’t like how desperate Cordelia is to stay in the aura of the merry thieves and instead of protecting her brother more

4. why doesn’t Cordelia ever think about Alastair’s feelings instead of how James feels?

5. let Thomas be upset but do it in a private setting

6. THIS IS ONLY CONCERNING THOMASTAIR SO LET THEM PROCESS ALONE and

7. Alastair is allowed to feel hurt AND guilty for his last behavior

oh it’s her wedding so y’all can have it out tomorrow. Thomas does have every reason to feel upset and hurt- and I also don’t like that Matthew was the one to tell him. it felt more vindictive on matthews part. he’s jealous that Thomas and Alastair are friendly or he takes joy in hurting Alastair which just ended up hurting Thomas. well I do agree with Thomas deserving to know, it shouldn’t have come from Matthew (also Mathew has every reason to be hurt but I don’t like the way it’s being formed)

Thomas is a naturally calm person so the fact that he is having a rough time being around Alastair, unable to look at him, and saying remarks about throwing Alastair into the Thames should be sending off warning signs to everyone. THOMAS IS HURT

thomastair deserved to have a moment without everyone listening in to their problems. this is about Thomas, not Lucie Cordelia James Matthew. as it does involve Matthew a little, this is the hurt THOMAS FEELS. like what is up with lgbtq+ couples in these books having a fight and there’s always a straight person having that pov where it doesn’t involve them? it has nothing to do with Cordelia (still not over how book malec fights and it’s in simons pov and he has the audacity to call them dramatic or something as if they’re only drama)

also ALASTAIR IS HURT AND FEELS GUILTY. it’s okay and valid for him to feel upset that Thomas isn’t ready to talk to him and for him to feel guilt for his past self. it’s also okay if he feels he had no choice to be a bully and also regret the way things were handled. it doesn’t justify Alastair’s behavior but if he felt then that he had no choice but to fit in with the mean boys so they wouldn’t be racist pigs to him then that is Alastair’s decision alone. it’s okay to feel as though you want to explain your behavior without justifying it. but it does absolutely nothing if we don’t get to see or experience that.

Thomas doesn’t have to talk to him but he also shouldn’t have to endure everyone at that wedding just to attempt to reconcile with Thomas.

and I don’t like Lucie almost dismissing Thomas’s anger. he shouldn’t throw Alastair into the Thames (even if it is a Lightwood trait- cough cough Gabriel) but he’s allowed to feel hurt by the words Alastair repeated about his father that he never spoke of, especially as he started to catch feelings for Alastair. Thomas is probably the only person to see the good of Alastair no matter what

I also feel that Cordelia is so obsessed with staying on the good side or in the circle of the merry thieves. I hardly ever see her support Alastair or have his back more. she says “he’s my brother and I love him” and that’s it? THIS MAN SACRIFICED HIS CHILDHOOD AND HAPPINESS JUST TO MAKE SURE YOU DIDNT SUFFER THE SAME FATE. the childhood part was taken away from him but he always supported Cordelia no matter what

I wanted Alastair to tell Thomas about his past

I wanted Alastair to tell Cordelia about his experience at the academy

like why are the wrong people having the pov or telling someone else things they shouldn’t?????

also to end this, it bothers me how Matthew is saying it’s the least you deserve as if everything is Alastair’s fault. Alastair didn’t make Matthew buy that potion. what Alastair said was wrong and hurtful but he didn’t force Matthew to buy a potion, trust downworlder products (especially from downworlders who hate shadowhunters for good reason- even though that’s not matthews fault) that would have killed an unborn sibling

it does irritate me how Matthew puts all this blame on Alastair as if everything is Alastair’s fault. I can’t remember if he ever made racist remarks towards Alastair but if I remember correctly, I think he does. I’ve never seen Alastair be rude to James or Matthew for no reason. he sees either a drunk (no offense to Matthew) or a man obsessed with another woman (no offense James) vying for his sister. his protective instincts are obviously out. Alastair spent his whole life protecting Cordelia. a woman’s reputation then meant everything. I saw James and Matthew being rude for the fun of it to Alastair but I never saw Alastair throwing the first blow. it’s as though they wanted Alastair to feel terrible all his life. they’re not perfect either but they treat Alastair as the worst villain they’ve laid eyes on

if you want us to think Alastair is so terrible, SHOW IT. it doesn’t pay off if it’s in another book and doesn’t line up to this book. James and Matthew do have reason to be upset with Alastair but instead of the remarks they make, fix why they’re upset instead of constantly antagonizing Alastair. Alastair by no means is perfect. he does say some stuff against Matthew and James (TLH) but I never see it as underhanded as what is done to him

but also it’s been a while since I read this and I’m just going by the pages I marked that I can’t remember if I talked about yet

but it makes absolute no sense to say hey Alastair was such a bastard to us and then not show us in this series

it seems a wasted shame we didn’t get any Alastair or Matthew growth or that this isn’t in Thomas’s pov or really any thomastair content in their pov that much

I very much would have preferred for Alastair to attempt to talk to Thomas in a quieter setting alone and possibly have a fight than what was written here. I don’t care about Cordelia or her thoughts. I care about thomastair and how THEY FEEL

STOP WITH THE INAPPROPRIATE POVS

[helenofblackthorns]

Cordelia’s been going through her own hell while Lucies barely been there for her lying to her, let’s not act like she’s much better and Alastairs done what he’s done and reaped the consequences for it unfortunately.

James disappointed since he and Cordelia reunited I don’t wish for Cordelia to be “called out by Lucie” because really she doesn’t have much right to and it’s wrong. Cordelia didn’t think he took the marriage seriously and Lucie knows it’s not official between them, but she goes and writes a childish book? yeah I’m not praising that I’m sorry ..

(I will like to preface this by saying it has been a while since I’ve read cog/coi and I’m little (read: very) hazy on many of the details atm)

I mean, Lucie and Cordelia have both been lying and keeping secrets for each other, and they’re not the only characters doing so. Cot is ultimately going to be a book where all these secrets start to (or continue to in some cases) catch up with them. The consequence of this is it’s going to cause a lot of tension between characters, as they react to what they now know.

The events of the leak are very obviously going to cause a lot of fallout when they (inevitably) are made known to the others. Lucie is probably going to have Opinions about it, given it involves her brother and best friend. Also we don't know what Lucie knows when she writes the Wicked Cordelia or any of the surrounding context to all of this. we only have random sentences and pieces of information that we can speculatively piece together; we can't really say who's right or wrong in a situation we know next to nothing about.

As for Alastair, he's been reaping the consequences for three books now for something that happened years ago. like maybe this is callous but I truly do not care about what happened at the academy anymore and would like for everyone to just move on 😭 I would honestly have more patience for the whole thing if they didn't just solely focus on the rumour. like yes, he did call Matthew Gideon's bastard, but the day before he nearly killed you so idk if that's what you should be focusing on :/ maybe that's just me tho

[ladyhindsight]

but i would also add

(chain of iron spoilers!)

i think you will be happy to know that cordelia finding out the reason the "nice" characters are treating alastair horribly doesn't impact their relationship. for once something about that crap felt authentic to me - cordelia knows alastair better than any of this people so obviously she isn't horrified to find out about what he did, and she does feel frustrated at his behavior but not more than she already did before. thank freaking god

my sibling and i have a very complicated relationship full of tension and all, but there's no freaking way i would give a damn if i found out he spread rumors about people's parents at school in the past, sorry, this is not realistic and not how siblings work

i'm truly enjoying reading about the carstairs family, my personal opinion is that they are by far the best thing in this series, and i love how we can see how much alastair care for cordelia without the writing trying to shove that down our throats. but that has a reason. alastair is one of Those Characters that you can freely like or dislike without being "wrong" - the book isn't really trying to manipulate you to do either

the downside: funny how it took MONTHS for cordelia to fully require to know why is alastair being so mistreated. it has just been happening since the end of the previous book because of fucking course the golden characters have all the right to treat someone like shit unprovoked for a past beef in the most cringeworthy "he was mean to us back then, now we can gang up to be mean to him back" energy

how all that stuff ended up playing into alastair's romance side plot requires a very long rant i can't type now. but i just know you would have opinions on all of this

- R

Oh, that does make me happy. Somewhat. If Cordelia was written immediately changing her affections over some guys he doesn’t know that well, I would’ve probably just ended things there. I kept hoping for that authenticity, and I am glad that there’s even a tiny bit of that. I don’t think there is much my brother could do—and obviously I am not talking about extremes—that would in any way change our relationship. Clare’s characters loyalties are flimsy things, nonexistent sometimes if we consider Alec and Isabelle, when it comes to the Golden Characters and being on their side, so this does ease my mind a bit.

Alastair is reminiscent of Gabriel and Jessamine. Gabriel was written doing bad stuff and being antagonistic, while Matthew is reminiscent of the Good Guys being treated “poorly.” Like I’ve said previously, Gabriel either wasn’t surrounded by the manipulative elements in the narrative versus Will. I’ve read a bit of their (Alastair, Matthew, James) days in the Academy, and like you bring up in you other message that I haven’t answered yet lol, his character has that nuance unlike the main heroes. These are the sort of themes that are consistent from one series to another, because it is often characters like him that end up shining the most to me.

I actually had to stop reading GoTSM because I started to have too many thoughts and negative feelings about the whole thing, the whole ganging up on Alastair aspect of things, and I figured I should try and keep the blog somewhat consistent as to the progression, but I think I'm just going to read Chain of Iron next and embrace the absolute mess that this blog has become.

[artieistired]

the lighthouse

alastair carstairs fic

inspired by this song || read on ao3

and i’m glad i met the devil ‘cause he showed me i was weak / and a little piece of him is in a little piece of me  -‘the lighthouse’ halsey

---

Alastair learned early in his life how to put his feelings behind a wall. 

He liked to imagine storing them in a lighthouse. They were safer like that, all tucked away behind bricks made of rage and spite and whatever else he could cobble together to shore up the weak spots—he was safer like that. In quieter moments, when the waves of life calmed and he was alone, he would take them out, one by one, cradle them like the most precious items in the world. He’d let tears slip down his cheeks, let his lips quirk up in a contented smile, even allow himself a few moments to feel truly sorry for the person he’d become.

But then came time to put those feelings away again and let a cool mask—a wall—of indifference take its place. It was this mask he wore to retrieve his father from pubs, to tease first-years at the Academy, to snap at Cordelia to leave him alone. The mask was important. The walls were important. They kept him safe.

The mask wasn’t infaillible, though. Sometimes, it slipped.

Sometimes, it became real.

---

It takes less than a minute for them to find him. His mother picks him up from under his arms, crosses her arms over his chest and holds him to her as Risa tends to his father.

It takes less than a minute for them to find him. His mother picks him up from under his arms, crosses her arms over his chest and holds him to her as Risa tends to his father.

It takes less than a minute for them to find him. His mother picks him up from under his arms, crosses her arms over his chest and holds him to her as Risa tends to his father.

Sona whispers in his ear and smoothes down his hair as though expecting him to cry—but he doesn’t. He can feel the tears at the back of his eyes placed there by fear and uncertainty, but he pushes against them now, and the first brick slides into place.

Later, when his father is laying on the couch and breathing steadily, Sona sinks to her knees in front of Alastair and explains it all in a low voice. She tells him about the drinking, the gambling, the reason they move from place to place so frequently. She tells him the most important thing about it all is that Cordelia mustn't ever find out.

She shakes him a bit as she says it, as though it will lodge the fact in his brain for eternity. He nods, wide-eyed and scared, and swears to her that his sister will never learn of it. He means it with all his heart.

---

The mask slips after Clive Cartwright dies. It’s Alastair’s first experience with this new emotion—this sort of disappointed relief, a breath of fresh air he knows he doesn’t deserve—and it terrifies him. It’s difficult to hide as he doesn’t know what it is.

Of course Thomas Lightwood notices something is different—it’s just Alastair’s luck. Thomas attributes it to grief, though, for which Alastair is thankful. He doesn’t much feel like explaining himself.

It’s nice, he thinks, to not have to hide himself around Thomas, to not have to secure that suffocating mask of rage and indifference. Thomas doesn’t seem to care that Alastair isn’t his usual self. He just trails quietly after him like always, and his presence is almost comforting.

That is, until Matthew Fairchild comes bursting in.

The walls slam down, alarm bells going off in Alastair’s head as he fumbles for a foothold in this conversation. There’s Matthew, standing there, his venom green eyes narrowed to a point as he spits about Alastair’s hair, his friend, his father.

His father.

Alastair’s heart stumbles, clenching at the mention, and he can’t explain why it hurts so much for someone else to acknowledge what he’s known for so many years but it’s enough to make the anger he let form his walls come seeping out.

This part, where the mask becomes real, where he feels every bit of the cold malice he projects, might be worse than anything he’s ever felt.

Tongue in his teeth, his being cements around that cold, hard, cursed rage.

He deserves it, really, when Matthew punches him.

---

It’s like drowning, what comes after. Like sinking to the bottom of a lake.

His sister is the first to pick up on it. Her footfall behind him as they weave through the forest is louder than she realizes, but Alastair doesn’t mind. It isn’t until he hears a snap accompanied by a short cry that he turns to scan the brush around him. Cordelia stares at him, dark eyes wide and terrified, and there’s an apprehension there that nudges its way under his skin and settles uncomfortably close to his heart.

He lets out a sigh, checks on her, leads her back to the house.

We’re all of us alone, in the end, he tells her. She narrows her eyes and lowers them to the ground, unconvinced. When they get back, she stomps through the house, relocating all the daggers she can find to the training room. 

Alastair leans against the doorway and watches her. There’s an innocence in her mistakes. She shifts her feet as she throws, raises her shoulder a bit too high, releases the blade just a moment too soon. Things she’d quickly learn to fix at the Academy, if not from the instructors then from the ridicule of other students.

The droning thud of knives in the target board does little to ease the roiling waves of Alastair’s mood. He doesn’t know what to say, He’s sure he could scream and no one would hear, so what does this moment, right here, right now, matter? Who’s going to remember it? Who’s going to care?

So he corrects her stance.

He’s not sure how that leads to talking about the Academy.

Green eyes fill his memory, the ghost of pain flitting across his face.

His parents never asked why his nose isn’t quite straight anymore. He wonders if they even noticed.

Stay with me, Layla, he pleads.

She does.

---

Years pass, and a second set of green eyes joins the first. Same shape, same shade, but filled with a different kind of poison: the kind that charms before it kills. 

Being with Charles changes Alastair. Their relationship pokes at him, tests those walls and shows him where he’s weak. Charles shows him where he’s weak, makes a point to drive it home whenever he sees fit.

But, oh, Alastair so wants to let it slide. He wants to stay here forever, he decides one night in Paris, twirling red strands of hair between his fingers.

He lets himself believe it’s enough when Charles whispers soons and somedays and promises in his ear. Even when Alastair hears the news—from his own mother, of all people—that Charles has engaged himself to one Ariadne Bridgestock, he simply steps further into the shadows and lets his walls grow stronger.

---

The sun starts to rise when he leaves Charles. It feels like freedom in a way he hasn’t known in years.

---

It’s not as easy as he remembers, this being alone thing. It feels better than drowning, though, and drowning felt better than being with Charles, so he’ll take it.

He watches from afar as Cordelia engages herself to this man she’s loved so long—he’s held at arm’s length from their happiness, an insurmountable distance placed there by his past choices.

Charles comes back, looking for reconciliation, and it’s all Alastair can do not to let waves of rage crash down on him. It’s almost more than Alastair can handle: the letters, the cornering, the endless stream of apologies even as he traipses around with Grace Blackthorn hanging on his arm… Well, just because Alastair chose to be alone doesn’t mean he particularly enjoys it.

At a certain point, he stops bothering to tell Charles not to send the letters. They form a pile on his desk, and he entertains himself by throwing them in the fire and watching them burn. He’d rather not kick Charles while he’s down, even if he’d love to laugh in his face at the utter audacity of the whole thing.

---

He wants to do more than laugh, sometimes.

Sometimes, he wants to scream.

---

There have been many dark days in Alastair’s life, he thinks. The day he discovered his father’s true nature. His first day at the Academy. Even his first encounter with Charles left a dark stain.

This is different, somehow.

This is indescribable.

Alastair is leaving his house, tucked into his coat, hoping to get a walk in before his mother wakes, when he sees them. A small group of Shadowhunters. Gabriel and Cecily Lightwood, and the Inquisitor. They meet him on the top step, door shut firmly behind him.

The Inquisitor’s voice grates on the hard stone of Alastair’s lighthouse walls as he asks to come in and, after Alastair refuses, tells him the news.

Your father was murdered.

We don’t know who it was.

I’m so sorry for your loss.

Alastair stairs blankly at them, unable to discern if the lack of bubbling emotion is due to their presence and the need to hide it or simply because there are no emotions for this event. What are you even supposed to feel in an instance like this?

The Inquisitor leaves, his face long and troubled, but the Lightwoods stay, insisting Alastair shouldn’t have to be the one to tell his mother, and they can help with any arrangements, and they’re willing to tell Cordelia too if he needs.

Alastair thanks them for their kindness and steps back inside, telling them he’ll take care of everything and sending them off without a backward glance.

Their words are pretty enough. They’ve never made a difference before, though. Where were the Lightwoods and the Herondales when Elias was alive? When he was wreaking havoc on Alastair’s life? Too little too late. 

Risa is there in an instant when Alastair stumbles into the library, needing familiarity and comfort to sort through his thoughts. Telling her is easy. Clinical. He wonders if this is what telling his mother will be like.

No, it can’t be. Surely he’ll be expected to show some emotion, some feeling other than indifferent. His father just died.

His father is dead.

Alastair doesn’t know what it says about him that those words carry little more than quiet relief, like a weight being lifted from his shoulders. There’s a pain there, sure, but there is always pain in adjustment, in change.

Maybe it makes him a monster. Maybe that indifference Charles is so fond of rubbed off on him.

He doesn’t know. He doesn’t care. He’s grateful for his walls, though—they seem about the only thing holding him up at this point.

---

He’s been following Thomas. There’s no sugarcoating it or explaining it away. He’s been following Thomas, and he doesn’t regret it, not when Thomas is accused of murder and locked in the Institute Sanctuary.

He’s been following Thomas because he was worried and he couldn’t make himself stop caring, no matter how many times he was faced the threat of the Thames’ icy waves. He’s been following Thomas to make sure he stays safe because the Lightwoods can’t lose another child. He’s been following Thomas because Thomas is hurting in a way that can’t be healed and it makes him reckless.

He has many excuses. None of that matters now.

---

They end up locked in the Sanctuary together until the Herondales can return with the Mortal Sword.

At first, they ignore each other. It’s easy enough: Alastair curls up on a mattress with his copy of The Prince while Thomas paces anxiously.

As the hours pass, though, it gets more and more difficult. Thomas’s presence charges the air, presses on Alastair—it demands to be acknowledged.

So, that’s what he does.

---

Things escalate from there.

---

Alastair finds himself in the middle of the Institute’s ruins, completely at a loss for how to explain himself to Thomas, and can’t help but think it’s only fitting. He’s used to losing happiness at this point—he’s well versed in the staggering rhythm and lonely tune of it all. 

The thing about love, Alastair thinks, is that it’s so bloody unpredictable that he has no way to defend against it. With Charles, he’d thought love would fix them, that love was enough to heal the bruises their relationship left on them both. 

Now, Alastair feels he was tainted by it. He feels stronger, yes, but different. Like he met the devil and took a little piece with him.

There��s no way to describe this to Thomas, so he doesn’t try. He walks away, and he doesn’t look back.

---

It’s getting harder to pretend like he has a life here in London.

Alastair tries to tally up the things tying him to this city, but they slip through his fingers like sand in an hourglass, each vague excuse a reminder that his time here is nearly up.

His sister is in Paris. Not that she was really tying him here anymore—she has her own life, her own friends who hate him and want to keep them separated at all costs.

His mother is in the Silent City. The Silent Brothers said all the stress wasn’t good for the baby, so she’s on bedrest where they can monitor her.

He and Charles are done. There’s nothing more to be said on that matter.

Thomas is…

Well, to be honest, Alastair tries not to let himself think about Thomas.

---

Alastair has a plan.

As soon as his new baby sibling is born, he’s going to talk to his mother about moving back to Cirenworth. She can stay in London if she wants, he decides—he’ll be fine on his own. He always has been.

---

He considers moving back to Tehran. He misses it more and more often. Maybe going home would be good for him.

---

Alastair has worn ruts in the floor of his house. It’s been two weeks since Cordelia left. The funeral is in two days. He can’t deal with this.

It doesn’t help when Thomas shows up on his doorstep asking him to go to Paris with him. Under different circumstances, Alastair’s brain might’ve short-circuited from the insinuation. As it is, Thomas is asking him to go so they can find Matthew and Cordelia. He’s looking at Alastair with his heart in his eyes, too, and it’s almost too much to bear, and Alastair has never been that smart when it comes to men with soft hair and kind eyes.

So he says yes.

---

Paris is a disaster.

Paris is everything he could’ve dreamed.

They don’t find Matthew and Cordelia. Alastair wonders belatedly if that was ever Thomas’s true goal. They search hotels, restaurants, clothing stores, even dare to check in with the Institute, but not one has seen a white blonde man traveling with a brown-skinned redheaded woman.

The night they’re set to return to London—the night before Elias’s funeral—Alastair finds himself in front of Thomas’s door. He’s not sure how he got there, doesn’t know what possessed his feet to lead him here, but he knows there’s no one he can blame but himself when he raises a hand and knocks.

It’s a mistake. The best he’s ever made.

It starts with an argument, as it seems most of their conversations do these days, and the argument ends with them sitting on the floor, knees to chests, face to face, talking. The talking leads to understanding, and the understanding leads to something warm and sort of shaky in his heart—something dangerous that makes him want to run.

Thomas doesn’t try to do anything, he doesn’t lean in or demand anything of Alastair. Instead, it’s Alastair who asks to stay. It’s Alastair who damns the consequences and damns his walls and lets it all collapse in on itself.

They don’t do anything, not really. The bed is soft and the sheets are cool and Thomas’s arms are firm and comforting as they loop around his waist and hold him tight. They lay there in silence until their breaths even out. Alastair’s head is tucked under Thomas’s chin, and it’s a whole new kind of fitting: fitting together, fitting each other, fitting in somewhere for the first time in his life. He decides he quite likes it.

---

The thing is, Alastair still doesn’t know how to feel about his father’s death. He just doesn’t know how he’s supposed to feel. There isn’t exactly a guide for what to do in this particular situation, and Alastair feels a bit like he’s drowning all over again as he scours his heart for an answer.

Alastair didn’t want Elias to die. He just wanted things to be easier.

He doesn’t know how to reconcile the relief he feels with the pain of losing the man who, despite everything, was his father. His Baba. It’s like one burden has been lifted only to be replaced with another, stranger load.

Cordelia doesn’t make it—he still has no idea where she is—and his mother isn’t allowed out of bed, so he’s the only one there to shake hands, accept condolences, listen to old stories and laughs and cries and statements of I can’t imagine how much you must miss him—

Alastair wants to tell Thomas about this turmoil, wants to seek comfort in this new thing between them, but he doesn’t have to words to even begin to explain it. All that comes out when he tries to speak is a faint plea to help him get the hell away from this place.

They go to the rivershore, him and Thomas and this weight hanging over them. Well, hanging over Alastair, mostly. They stand on the shore and watch the waves, and Alastair could almost laugh at how well it fits with this metaphor that he’s always used to think of his walls—his lighthouse walls.

In a moment of—he doesn’t know—bravery? recklessness?—Alastair steps out further into the waves. His shoes and socks and the ends of his trousers are soaked in seconds as the waves lap around his calves.

He spreads his arms out—his jacket is long forgotten, stashed on a rock half a mile back—and lets the wind rip at his shirt, hair, trousers, skin—

He lets it rip at his walls, at those lighthouse walls, lets them crack and crumble and collapse to the ground. He imagines the pieces crashing into the sea, sending up the spray of water that’s hitting his face in a sort of cathartic release.

Thomas calls for him, warns that he shouldn’t go out too far, shouldn’t stay too long in the cold.

Alastair doesn’t mind. He’s smiling for the first time in weeks.

tags (lmk if you want to me +/-) @littlx-songbxrd @thewarthatsavedmylife @anarmorofwords @thefoxandthefound @stxr-thxif @ninacarstairss @writeforjordelia @lifewouldbebetteronmars @life-through-the-eyes-of​ @apple-bottom-jeansx​ @writeordie-4​

[wagner-fell]

“Hello baby.” Alastair stood over his sibling’s crib, a wide smile spread across his face. He was tired beyond belief but seeing their tiny form never failed to bring him joy.

“It’s me,” said Kit, wagging a finger at  her as if she were awake to see it, “your big brother!”

“I haven’t been the best brother in the past.”

“I haven’t been the best at building and maintaining relationships in the past.”

“But you, baby…”

“But you, Mina…”

“You make me want to try. Make me want to be the best I can for you. Because I love you so much my heart breaks at the thought of you getting hurt, let alone me being the cause of it.

Alastair sat down on the soft carpeting of the nursery, still staring at his sibling’s unmoving form. “I’m not going to hide this fact from you. You deserve to know, something I failed to acknowledge with elder your sister, Cordelia. You see, baby, we had a rotten father.”

“I didn’t have the greatest dad. But he’s not in my life anymore. Now your daddy takes care of me, of us. And Mina, take it from me, your daddy is pretty great.”

“However, our mother is incredible. Sure, she made some mistakes but she is willing to admit she made them and that’s why she is truly marvellous.”

“So is your mommy. She’s awesome. Like yesterday, she told me my shoes were rad. She doesn’t have the best understanding of pop culture. But you and me?We will help her get there. Together.”

“Oh and we can’t forget about your Khâleh Risa. Don’t betray me by notifying her I told you of this but crabbling you is the happiest I’ve ever seen her. Same with Cordelia, but she doesn’t hide her euphoria.”

“You also have me.”

“You have me too.”

“I love you so much, Mina. Did I already tell you that? I’m sorry. Damn it. I was supposed to be your cool big brother and I’m already so fucking awkward.”

“I will protect you always.”

“Wait, I meant, er, fudging awkward. Yep! That’s what I said!”

“You will never feel ashamed of any aspect of your identity as long as I can help it.”

“That’s a saying, right? Fudging?” Kit ran his fingers through his hair, tugging on it slightly in distress.

“And if you do, I will be at your side to remind you it is society making you doubt yourself. You are not to blame for those thoughts.”

“Please don’t let that be your first word, please don’t let that be your first word. Raziel, if your listening, I know my entire existence has been dedicated to pissing you off even since I found out you were real, but I’m begging you not take your revenge in this way.”

Alastair checked the wrist watch Thomas had gotten him and swore silently to himself. “Well, I better be off to bed, baby.” He stood and gingerly brushed his lips against their forehead, praying they would stay sleeping. It had taken him hours to coax them to sleep.

“Well I’m gonna go to bed before I can corrupt you further. That’s the house ghost’s job.” Kit stared at her for a few seconds before making his way over to the door.

“Goodnight. And may no horrid dream invade your mind. Because trust me baby, every member of this family would personally fight whatever monster terrorized your mind. You are so so loved.”

With their final declarations of love said, both boys opened the door to the same room and exited with equal amounts of care.

It was hard to say which child would grow up receiving more affection. But what was easy to say was this.

Neither Carstairs child would suffer any of the sorrows their elder brothers had at the hand of their fathers and many, many years before Kit Herondale was even conceived, Alastair Carstairs would die a happy man because of that simple fact.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This is one of my first non-Mari fics so idk who to tag. Sorry if you were tagged in this but didn‘t want to be lol.

@adoravel-fenomeno @thechangeling @the-blackdale @the-wckd-powers @hardlymatters @im-not-ruined-im-ruination @thomas-gaypanic-lightwood @arangiajoan @noah-herondale-lightwood @foxglove-airmid @ithurielkeepsgettingkidnapped @sandersgrey

[alastaircarstairsdefenselawyer]

romeo must die

this one-shot is based on the song Romeo Must Die by Gabrielle Aplin, I highly recommend listening to it! shout out to @eugeniaslongsword for introducing me to it :) i even borrowed some lyrics from it haha. it is also inspired by the entire playlist I made, "being treated badly by someone doesn't make you love them more"

content warnings: past toxic/unhealthy relationship, the uncomfy 6-year age gap between Alastair and Charles

Masterlist | Read on AO3

"Alastair, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"

Alastair looked up from what he was working on. He was in the library of the Institute, along with Cordelia, Thomas, James, Matthew, and Christopher. They were searching for any clue as to how Lucie had done what she’d done or what Tatiana and Belial were planning. Alastair wasn't entirely sure how he got roped into the ordeal, but it seemed as though Thomas suggested him as an extra set of eyes, and Cordelia latched onto the idea.

"No," he said curtly, returning to his reading.

"Excuse me?"

"I said no. I'm quite busy at the moment." Alastair spoke under his breath, not wanting to draw the others' attention. How many times had Charles barked the same words at him, swatting him away, hacking away at paperwork or planning his next step in his career? The words sat bittersweet in his chest.

"Surely you could spare a few moments."

"I certainly could. But I do not wish to." Charles had a way of getting into his head and twisting his words and his feelings. It was not an experience he wished to revisit. It was better here, with an audience. It had also been easier in the infirmary, knowing that he held all of the power. His father had made him feel the same way, he thought bitterly. He understood now that what he'd done at school was not only to protect himself from the bullies. He wanted to reclaim the power stolen from him by his father; he wanted for once in his life to hold power himself. He hadn't yet come to the realization that holding that kind of power did nothing but harm. It was of no use, anyways, because it didn't matter how much he perfected his tongue and his wit on the other students at the Academy, he was never able to use it when it counted. Not with Elias, and not with Charles.

"It's fine if you need to take a few minutes, Alastair,” Cordelia said gently. All of the eyes in the room had come to rest on the two of them. Now he wished he’d spoken louder.

“It’s alright, Charles was just leaving.”

He had hoped that Charles would give up and leave knowing that everyone was watching him, but he was determined. He grabbed Alastair’s arm. “It’ll just be-”

Alastair stood, but pulled his arm away. “Don’t touch me.”

In a flicker, Alastair saw it: the anxiety began to set in. Charles began to realize that he would not be able to play his usual tricks. “Why are you acting like this?”

“I believe I was quite clear when I told you I don’t wish to speak with you. You’re the one who can’t let this go.”

“Must you act so childish?”

He rolled his eyes. “Must you always call me childish for thinking for myself instead of catering to your every whim?”

“I don’t understand. You said we were fine.”

Alastair sighed. Perhaps for a moment, he thought that was true. For just a second, he thought there was a world where he and Charles could be friends. But Alastair had decided that he would no longer call people who hurt him his friends. “Yes, well, I lied. I wanted to let you down gently, but it’s clear to me now that it must be spelled out for you. How shall I put this? You and I are past our dancing days, Charles.”

“But-” He stammered, searching for words. “What happened with Grace Blackthorn wasn’t my fault.”

“Maybe not. But what of Miss Bridgestock? Am I to pretend that what happened with Miss Blackthorn was not the same as what happened two years earlier?”

“You told me many times that you took no issue with that, that you understood.”

“I understood what you told me, which we both know was never the full truth. I was a sixteen year old desperate for your affections, and the fact that you truly believe I never had any issue with your arrangement is proof that you never genuinely cared about me or listened to my thoughts. I told you in the infirmary that this wasn’t your fault because I thought it’d ease the pain, but I lied. And I don’t have time to sit here and watch you cry over it.”

Alastair wished that watching Charles become flustered would have been more enjoyable. Instead, all he wanted was for this to end. “You- you’re different than when we met. You’ve changed. You’re cruel and callous, I don’t understand how I could not see how heartless you were until now. You are everything that everyone claims you to be. How am I to even know what the truth is when it comes from your lips?”

There was a time when those words would have cut deeply into him, eating at his every insecurity, but Charles mistakenly assumed that Alastair was the same person he was last July, with the same insecurities. “When we met, I was fourteen years old. I’ve grown up, and it is time for you to do the same. It’s been six months, Charles. You need to stop writing me. If that makes me heartless, I don’t care. And if you wish to know the truth, the truth is that the moment you leave here, if I never see your face again, it still will not be long enough.”

Charles stared at him for a long while, unable to find a proper retort. In the end, it was Matthew who stepped in. “Charles, I believe it’s time for you to go.”

He obliged, finally turning to leave the library. As he began to walk away, however, Alastair knew that he was not finished. His heart beat a little bit faster at the thought of such a confession, and faster again when he realized who would hear it, but there was no piece of parting with Charles that he wished to regret.

“Wait,” he said. Charles froze and turned to look at him. “I know it’s unlikely that you have it in the cold depths of your soul to care, but let the record show that I would have given you everything. I would have given you my life, all of the love and trust that I had to give, and then I would have given more. And you gave me nothing. So the next time you’re pondering my heartlessness, you ought to wonder what that means for you.”

Finally satisfied, Alastair did not wait for Charles to turn and leave again to return to his seat and pick his reading back up. He waited for a moment, but he couldn’t shake the feeling of everyone’s eyes on him. He stood once more, opening his mouth to speak, but the words were caught in his throat. Instead, he walked out of the library in silence.

Finding the nearest balcony, he attempted to steady his breath.

“Are you alright?” He heard from behind him. Thomas. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you.”

He shook his head. “I just needed some air.”

“That doesn’t answer my question.”

Alastair sighed. He backed up against the window and slid down to the floor of the balcony. “I know- I know that everyone sort of knew already, but… by the Angel, I feel so pathetic.”

“You’re not pathetic,” Thomas told him, sitting down beside him.

“You were right, of course you were. I was so… taken with him, back in Paris. I couldn’t see him for what he was. I was so naive, so foolish. I just- After everything I’ve seen, everything I’ve been through, how did I not realize-”

Thomas put his hand on Alastair’s knee. “You wanted to see the best in him. After everything you’d seen and been through, you wanted to believe that there were still good and honest people in the world. And there are. I’m sorry that he was not one of them, but that does not make you foolish or pathetic. It makes you… kind.”

“I bet you’d never imagined describing me as such before.”

“It seems you’re full of surprises,” Thomas teased. “But that’s not true. I always saw the kindness in you, even back at school, when you did everything to keep it hidden.”

“As you can see, my ‘kindness’ has never gotten me very far.”

“You were out of practice. Following me on my reckless nighttime patrols, that was kind. More than kind. I don’t think I ever thanked you for that, for risking your life to protect mine.”

“I didn’t do it for gratitude.”

“And yet I owe you mine nonetheless.”

“I can’t go back in there, you know.”

“What do you mean?”

“I can tolerate you and your friends hating me just fine. But if any of your friends give me even an ounce of pity- well, we’ll see just where the limits of my kindness lie, won’t we?”

Thomas stood up, offering Alastair his hand. “Pity comes from those who cannot even begin to understand what you’ve experienced. For what it’s worth, I don’t think my friends will pity you. But if they do, you can ignore them. For Lucie.”

Alastair sighed and allowed Thomas to pull him to his feet. “Fine. Let’s get back to reading.”

“Speaking of reading, do you have the entirety of Shakespeare’s canon memorized, or only the lines you believe may pop up in conversation?”

“Excuse me?”

“‘For you and I are past our dancing days,’ it’s Romeo and Juliet, isn’t it? It’s the only one of his works that I got through.”

Alastair froze. “You haven’t read Hamlet?”

“I tried.”

“Othello? King Lear? Macbeth? Midsummer Night’s Dream?”

He shook his head.

“That’s impossible. And James is friends with you?”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Wait until my sister finds out you haven’t read Hamlet,” he warned, starting towards the library with urgency in his step.

“Wait, don’t- I just don’t like Shakespeare! What’s so wrong with that?” Thomas’ attempts at reasoning were futile, however, a welcome distraction from all of their recent sorrows finally taking hold.

Thanks for reading!! This was self indulgent af lol. I'm not to sure whether some people only wanted to be tagged in my social media AU, so if that's the case I'm sorry & please tell me!: @stxr-thxif @chaos-and-starlight @lifewouldbebetteronmars @littlx-songbxrd @dianasarrow @eugeniaslongsword @bookswitchcraftandcats @jamesherondaleofficial @thomas-gaypanic-lightwood @livingformyself @anarmorofwords @foxglove-airmid @writeforjordelia @sapphic-in @thecodexsays @fortheloveofthecarstairs @alastair-esfandiyar-carstairs1 @shadowrunner2000 @thewarthatsavedmylife @fair-childd @icouldnotask @shadowhunting-hooligans @melanielocke @clarys-heosphoros @kiwichaeng @lightwoodsimp @thecrimsonsorceresss @theenchanteddreamer @adams-left-hand @yozinha-z @ipromiseiwillwrite @skirtsandsweaters @goodoldfashionednerd

[pinkpeony1]

an overly long analysis of Matthew and Alastair part 2 - this time making even less sense (i think)

tldr: their relationship is a cycle of pain and hurt, Matthew can’t heal without reconciling with Alastair, while Alastair has already done so. also i am scared for their ending and want them to both be happy but idk if they both can 😭

thinking once again about how Matthew and Alastair’s dynamic. i love Alastair, he is such a complex character who has changed the most during the time we first meet him till now than I think any other tsc character, and when I first read tftsa I did not like him (i’m sorry, i’m now a Stan) on the other hand, i love Matthew so much, and I can’t help but feel sorry for him over what happened with Charlotte and his sister, but also i hate him for what he did to Alastair and also turning the merry thieves+co against him/making them dislike him and leading to Alastair being miserable and also costing him potential friendships with people that would understand him.

because like James and Alastair I think would be good friends under different circumstances, if they actually interacted for the first time post shadowhunter academy. they are both the protective order brother who is a sweetheart that wants the best for their family but is terrible at opening up, care for Cordelia and Thomas—in different ways lol—and is also quite dramatic and also a lit nerd. and Christopher and Alastair is dynamic that hasn’t been explored but I feel they would have a fun grumpy/sunshine friendship going on.

but Matthew’s trauma led him to hating Alastair and blaming him for everything wrong in his life even if it wasn’t his fault or was the result of his own actions, which in turn made Alastair’s life even worse. taking out his anger towards himself and his situation on Alastair instead of using a healthy coping mechanism. and then the fact that Matthew if he doesn’t get the help he needs could so easily turn into Alastair’s father (Silas right? idk). the way that their stories are so similar in that how they deal with tragedy led them to where they are. how their actions as children have caused them to be so guilt-riddled, working through it by bottling it up (and then lashing out in Matthew’s case) but never wanting to burden them, when the original incident at the academy was really neither of their faults, more so the environment they were in that led them to it.

I really don’t know how Cassie has planned on resolving their arcs, in the past, a bad relationship in the beginning led to a really fun and caring friendship (like Gabriel and Will and also Clary and Alec), but there is also like no way for Matthew in particular to get to the place where he can work through what he did and apologize for his actions. Alastair is already there—he knows the reasoning for his actions, he is working through his trauma, he’s forming healthy non-familial relationships for the first time.

but even with all of the pain and hurt between them i still almost want them to be friends? like Matthew has deeply hurt Alastair, but tsc, for me, has in part always been about owning up to your mistakes, doing what you can to reconcile with your past and the people who you hurt.

with Cassie making the ending less tragic i have no idea what to expect from their dynamic and their arcs, i can really only hope they find happiness peace within themselves and (at least in Matthew’s case because Alastair didn’t know what he unwittingly did to Matthew) apologize. like literally thinking about Matthew’s ending stresses me tf out😭. like I want the best for both of them, but I can’t help but fear a happy ending for one means the other won’t get theirs.

also like I said last time because it is the one thing we know they agree on and i think it’s fun to say (i’m overly excited for the scene in which they both yell at him): fuck charles

[melanielocke]

We Bury the Sunlight - Chapter 4

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Taglist: @alastaircarstairsdefenselawyer @thefoxandthefound @life-through-the-eyes-of @justanormaldemon @styxdrawings @ipromiseiwillwrite @writeordie-4 @a-dream-dirty-and-bruised @amchara @queenlilith43 @imsoftforthomastair

Thomas entered the bedroom Alastair occupied later that day. His arm was bandaged, but otherwise he looked fine. Alastair tried to sit up again, and ignored the pain.

‘I heard you got injured,’ Alastair said.

‘Not as bad as you,’ Thomas said. ‘The gateway is still there, and we can’t close it. Brother Zachariah and Magnus Bane have been there, and Ragnor Fell has agreed to come too as long as Christopher won’t be there.’

Alastair guessed he understood why after what Christopher had done to the school where professor Fell used to teach. It was a miracle anything was left, but then again perhaps if he’d been kinder, if he’d started working with Christopher back then, the disasters would have been a bit more contained.

‘At least we know what’s going on,’ Alastair said. ‘And where it’s coming from. Does it hurt? Your arm?’

Thomas shrugged. ‘Only a little. It was just a scratch, but I did lose some blood. Demons keep coming through, but I did kill a whole ravener nest.’

Alastair smiled. ‘Heroic.’

‘I just did what I had to,’ Thomas said. ‘This tear is going to be a problem like nothing we’ve ever seen, no one is prepared. I volunteered as much as I could. I was terrified when you didn’t wake up.’

‘I wondered where you were,’ Alastair said. ‘But of course, you have to fix the issue. You had to fight. I understand. I’m awake now, but everything hurts. Your mother doesn’t think I can go home yet.’

Thomas sat down at the edge of the bed, caressing his cheek with his fingers. The touch sent shivers down his spine, his fingers were warm and gentle.

‘I don’t mind that you’re here,’ Thomas said. ‘But I understand you want to see Cordelia and your mother.’

‘Apparently the baby can be born any moment now,’ Alastair said. ‘But maman will be alright, she has Risa to take care of her. I will meet the baby once I’m home. We finally agreed on a name, but I don’t know if it’s going to be a boy or a girl yet.’

‘What did you agree on?’ Thomas asked.

‘Rostam for a boy. Shadi for a girl. The baby will have a Persian first name, we all agreed on that.’

‘Those are beautiful names,’ Thomas said. ‘I hope you can see them soon. How are you feeling?’

‘Everything still hurts,’ Alastair said. ‘I can’t get out of bed. Your sister and Kamala saved me. I hadn’t expected to be surrounded so quickly.’

‘What were you doing there anyway?’ Thomas asked.

Alastair stared at him. ‘I told you, I’d figured it out. Since none of you were going to help me, I went to check it out by myself.’

Thomas frowned. ‘I would have come with you,’ he said. ‘If you’d just asked, I would have come.’

Alastair lost his temper. ‘I did ask! I came to the devil tavern to tell you and Christopher what I’d found, and to ask you to come with me to check it out. But instead James and Matthew were there, and they were awful to me. You said nothing.’

Thomas was silent. It was painful to watch, did he really not care? Did he expect Alastair to put up with James and Matthew for Thomas’ sake?

‘What did you expect me to do?’ he asked quietly.

‘You could have defended me, you could have told James and Matthew to behave and that it wasn’t the first time I’d met you there.’

‘I’m not ready to tell them about us,’ Thomas said. ‘I don’t know how, I’m sorry.’

‘You don’t have to. You could tell them we’re friends, or I don’t know, that they shouldn’t act like jerks. I knew this wouldn’t work. If you really loved me, then you would have done something.’

‘I don’t… I don’t want to pick sides,’ Thomas said.

‘And yet by doing nothing, you chose theirs. But they have no right to treat me that way, and I do not have to grovel in submission to earn forgiveness. You’re not doing me a huge favor by being with me, and it’s not some great selfless act to love me when no one else could. I deserve better than that.’

‘I’ve forgiven you,’ Thomas said. ‘But I can’t make James and Matthew forgive you too.’

‘Doesn’t sound like you have,’ Alastair said coldly.

Without another word, Thomas turned around and left the room. Alastair guessed that was it then. He would have no choice but to stay here until he could get out of bed again, but after that he would go home and he would not see Thomas again. He didn’t mind that Thomas needed his time before telling people about them, he knew it was new and scary for him, but Alastair was allowed to have some standards. Kamala was right, they weren’t worth his time, and he didn’t need Thomas’ love. He imagined spending time with Thomas’ sister might be uncomfortable, but she and Kamala had no difficult past with him and would not be cruel to him and claim he deserved it for what happened years ago. He had suffered enough. It wasn’t his fault if the merry thieves refused to see that.

It was a couple more days until he could leave the Lightwood’s house. Eugenia came to sit with him a couple more times, as did Sophie. Thomas didn’t come back, and although Alastair was still mad at him, it stung. He had hoped Thomas would come to apologize, but he hadn’t. Thomas’ father was busy trying to keep Charles in check, but he did check in once just before he was about to leave.

‘I’m sorry I couldn’t come see you sooner,’ Gideon said. ‘The enclave has kept me busy.’

‘Yes. I heard Charles is in charge,’ Alastair said.

‘He’s young, reckless,’ Gideon said. ‘He still has a lot to learn.’

‘Careless with other people’s lives,’ Alastair added.

‘You know him?’ Gideon asked.

‘We were friends once,’ Alastair said. ‘I know what he’s like and what a terrible leader he is. Not that anyone cares.’

‘Some do recognize how reckless he is,’ Gideon said. ‘But he has many supporters. How he survived the recent scandals surrounding him, I have no idea.’

Alastair did, but he didn’t think he wanted to have a discussion about racism right now. He imagined it wouldn’t matter how many mistakes someone like Charles made.

‘I hope you’re feeling better,’ Gideon added. ‘We wouldn’t have found those demon nests in time if it weren’t for you. London could have been overrun. You deserve some recognition.’

Alastair wasn’t sure if it was recognition he wanted. He just wanted Thomas to say he was sorry, he wanted Thomas to stand up for him and defend him from his friends. He just wanted to be loved.

‘I guess,’ Alastair said. ‘It wasn’t so difficult to piece it all together. But no one would listen to me.’

‘That’s why you went alone,’ Gideon concluded.

‘I figured if I had proof they would listen to me,’ Alastair said stubbornly.

‘Charles might not want to listen, but other shadowhunters will,’ Gideon said. ‘It’s no use dying for him. If you ever find something like this again, and Charles doesn’t want to listen, you can come here. I can help you, or perhaps Thomas and Eugenia… They’ll listen to you, I’m sure of it.’

Alastair sighed. ‘Thomas was the one who wouldn’t listen to me,’ he said.

Gideon didn’t know what to say to that. ‘I’ll talk to him,’ he said in the end.

‘I think I should go home. I can walk again, I do not mean to impose any longer.’

‘You can go if you want,’ Gideon said. ‘But we wouldn’t mind if you stayed until you made a full recovery.’

Alastair shook his head. ‘My mother needs me. I’m going home. Thank you for everything.’

‘Alright. Would you like to come for tea sometime? This Saturday, perhaps?’

Alastair didn’t know if he wanted to. He would much rather stay home, but if he went he could tell his mother he had socialized and she would be happy. Besides, Gideon Lightwood wasn’t the worst person to visit.

‘Okay, I’ll be there,’ Alastair said.

Perhaps Thomas would be there. Perhaps he would take the opportunity to apologize and work this out. Alastair wasn’t sure what he wanted right now, all he could do was wait for Thomas to decide if he deserved an apology. If not, then he guessed they didn’t belong together. Alastair was going to miss him, but he was done putting up with people who didn’t treat him well. This wasn’t going to be like it had been with Charles and he wasn’t going to stick around hoping some day it would get better.

He borrowed the Lightwood’s carriage to get home. Cordelia was downstairs when he arrived. Alastair hadn’t seen her in the past days, he guessed she must have been busy. He limped into the drawing room, he still didn’t walk well. Cordelia was holding the baby, gently rocking them in her arms.

‘Alastair!’ she called out and immediately the baby woke up and started crying. ‘No, no, don’t cry. It’s alright, your brother is here.’

Alastair managed to find a position on the couch in which he could sit somewhat comfortably. Why did everything still hurt?

‘I’m sorry I wasn’t here.’

‘No, I’m sorry,’ Cordelia said. ‘I should have gone after you. I shouldn’t have let you go alone.’

‘What’s the name?’ Alastair asked. ‘No one came to tell me yet.’

‘Rostam,’ Cordelia said. ‘It’s a boy.’

Alastair’s name pick, the one they’d decided on for a boy. He’d wanted the baby to have a name from the Shahnameh. The baby looked like him, he guessed, the same dark hair and eyes. He look at Alastair curiously.

‘Do you want to hold him?’ Cordelia asked.

‘Yes,’ Alastair said.

Thomas had just come home from another mission fighting these demons at the tear when his father approached him.

‘Can we talk, Tom?’

‘Sure,’ Thomas said. ‘We still haven’t made any progress on closing that tear. Magnus and Ragnor are doing what they can, but they need more time to research what’s going on.’

‘That’s not what I wanted to talk about,’ Gideon said.

The last few days had been exhausting. Thomas had done as many patrols as he could, and he didn’t think any other shadowhunter had spent as much time around the tear as he had. It was the only way he knew to deal with the storm of emotions he was experiencing. First, Alastair getting injured and his sister and Kamala dragging him here, to their house. Alastair not waking up, Thomas sitting with him, desperate for him to recover. And when Alastair had finally woken, he’d been angry with Thomas. Thomas didn’t know how to fix it. He wanted to, he wanted Alastair back, but he didn’t know what to say to him. He didn’t think he could tell James and Matthew about their relationship yet, and considering their behavior, perhaps not ever. They were his friends, he didn’t want to lose them. But he didn’t want to lose Alastair either.

He knew it wasn’t fair to expect Matthew and James to just forgive Alastair. His words echoed through his head. Doesn’t sound like you have. Thomas had forgiven Alastair. Thomas loved him. But he also had to be considerate of how Matthew and James felt. He didn’t know how to balance those two.

He sat down in the drawing room with his father after he’d changed out of his gear put it in the laundry basket and washed himself. He’d killed plenty of demons today and he never liked the stains of ichor that remained.

‘What did you want to talk about?’ Thomas asked.

‘I spoke to Alastair just before he went home,’ Gideon said. ‘He said that you didn’t listen to him when he told you about what he’d found. What happened between you two?’

Thomas stiffened. Alastair really was upset about what had happened, but what was he supposed to do? Could he tell his father? But perhaps he did need someone to confide him, because on his own he was making a giant mess of this. He didn’t think Christopher would be much help, and he could never tell James or Matthew about any of this. He guessed his father might be better suited to help him, even if the idea of telling him about Alastair was terrifying.

‘Alastair does not get along well with James and Matthew,’ Thomas said.

‘I noticed,’ Gideon said. ‘And I don’t know why, especially after what he did for you. I think he likes to avoid us, Sophie and I have tried reaching out to him after his sister’s wedding but he’s rejected all offers of help.’

‘Sounds like Alastair,’ Thomas said. ‘Wait, why did you reach out to him?’

‘You must have seen what happened with his father at the wedding,’ Gideon said. ‘Someone had to make sure everything was alright with him. He rejected all our offers but I guess when I was young I would have done the same.’

Thomas guessed if anyone would reach out to Alastair despite everything, it was his parents. He also realized none of their parents had any clue of the Merry Thieves’ past with Alastair and didn’t understand why Matthew and James were so hostile.

‘Alastair was… unkind at school,’ Thomas said. ‘I only learnt why when he were locked in the Sanctuary together, that he felt like he had to protect himself. I’ve forgiven him, and Christopher likes having him around for his experiments nowadays, but James and Matthew are still upset. Before he got hurt, he came to tell us about what he’d found, but James and Matthew had just returned and they didn’t want him there. I don’t know what I could have done, but he’s very upset that I didn’t say anything.’

‘Who wouldn’t be?’ Gideon asked. ‘I imagine he expected you to stand up for him? I understand it’s not an easy situation among your group of friends, but if you want Alastair to be your friend they should accept your choice.’

‘But I can’t force them to forgive Alastair,’ Thomas said.

‘No, you can’t, but even then they should at the very least be civil to him. If you can’t all get along it might be better to spend time with him without your other friends there. You’re allowed to have more than one group of friends.’

Thomas wasn’t sure what to say. Perhaps his father had a point and he could schedule with whenever he was spending time with whom if Matthew and James refused to be civil to Alastair. But he wanted to tell his friends about his relationship someday and he didn’t want it to be so tense and awkward forever. This whole thing would be a lot easier if James and Matthew could agree to leave the past in the past, but Thomas knew that was too much to ask.

‘Alastair isn’t a friend exactly… What I mean to say is…’

‘You love him,’ his father said. ‘Don’t you?’

Thomas stared at him. ‘You knew?’

‘We suspected,’ his father said. ‘But we decided to give you time to figure it out for yourself. I know it can’t be easy for you, and confronting you with this when you weren’t ready seemed cruel.’

Ever since Anna had come out, his father had often made subtle comments around Thomas and his sisters. They wouldn’t mind if any of them were like Anna. Thomas known for a long time that he would be accepted by his family. And yet he’d never found the courage to tell them until now.

‘Thank you.’

‘Does he know you love him?’

‘I confessed my feelings to him when we were in the Sanctuary together, he felt the same way. He was a bit unsure at first because he thought all my friends hate him and it would never work. But Christopher likes him at least. It’s just James and Matthew that don’t.’

‘And when he came to you after he’d figured out where to find that tear, what happened?’

‘James and Matthew didn’t understand what was happening. We haven’t told anyone about our relationship yet, not even Christopher although I’m planning to. They didn’t understand why Alastair was there and were hostile to him. Cordelia was there too, by the way. It kind of escalated, Alastair has a temper, and Cordelia pleaded with him to stop. That’s when Alastair left.’

His father sighed. ‘Tom, if you want to keep him you’re going to have to stand up for him when he needs you to. If I didn’t defend Sophie whenever people make comments about her scar or her mundane heritage, she surely wouldn’t have stayed with me.’

‘The difference is that James and Matthew do have a legitimate reason to dislike Alastair. I understand why he did what he did, I really do, but they were hurt just the same.’

‘If they cannot forgive Alastair nor be civil with him, the only thing they can do is put up boundaries and not interact with him at all. Which I imagine is going to be difficult, considering Alastair is James’ brother in law now. How did he intend to do that?’

Thomas guessed his father had a point. James had promised that he would be civil with Alastair at Cordelia’s and James’ wedding. But he had not followed through on that promise, not really. So perhaps he could confront James about that, remind him of the promise he’d made to Cordelia. Even if Cordelia wanted a divorce and had gone back to her family, James could be expected to keep that promise, right?

‘They are getting a divorce,’ Thomas said. ‘But even then, I think James should be civil. I understand it’s harder for Matthew. Honestly, I don’t think either of them realize Alastair is a person too.’

‘Then you remind them,’ Gideon said. ‘They’re your friends, they’ll listen to you. And if you want to keep him, you must have his back. He deserves that, no matter what he did in the past.’

‘I should go talk to the thieves,’ Thomas said. ‘And apologize to Alastair.’

[astriefer]

Let Me Kiss Your Bleedings Goodbye / Look Around And See How Much You Are Loved

Summary: Alastair just wants to listen to music in his room, but the world won't have it.

Word count: 5718

Warnings: alcohol, implied mental abuse, manipulation, toxic relationships, cursing, mentioned alcoholism, neglect, negative thoughts.

@littlx-songbxrd that one is for your birthday! You chose angst the other day so I just rolled with it-

Happy birthday!! You're an amazing, creative,talented and such a special friend! I'm glad I got to meet you ^-^

All Alastair asked for was to listen to music on his phone and mind his own business. But of course, the fates weren't happy unless Alastair has had a shitty day.

Cordelia knocked on his door politely. "Alastair?"

It was Saturday, so she had no reason to bother him. Lunch had already been served, and she was about to go out with her friends. So why come bother him now?

He made no move to unlock the door, and his annoying little sister repeated, "Alastair!" 

She started to slam her fists at the door like some sort of a madwoman, and Alastair groaned and tore himself from his bed. "What?" he hissed as his bedroom door flew wide open.

"Mâmân wants you downstairs," Cordelia answered, backing away slightly. If she heeded Alastairs's pissed mood, good. She interrupted in the middle of his favorite song. The call of reason would say it was because they were almost nose to nose, and she was repulsed of his closeness as any other sibling would, but he liked the first option better.

"And that you couldn't tell me through the door because?" he snarled, and Cordelia rolled her eyes. He glanced at her and noticed what she wore - one of her favorites clothes Lucie picked up for her a few months ago. He arched a perfect eyebrow at his sister."Is there some special occasion?"

Cordelia's cheeks flushed red, and she decisively didn't meet his eyes. "It's nothing. Just going out with some-- That's none of your business. You're so irking. Oof."

She exchanged to the annoyed-sibling-defense-system mid-sentence. It was Alastair's turn to roll his eyes so he didn't waste it. "Whatever. Go play dolls with Lucie." Closing the door behind him, he ambled down the staircase to the ground floor, ignoring his sister's protest. 

He entered the drawing-room, which he found deserted. All that laid there were a few magazines Cordelia left on the table and an empty cup of coffee. He didn't stall to wonder who besides him drank coffee in the house since his mother was pregnant - and it was unhealthy for the baby - and Cordelia didn't like it. He headed to the dining room, finding his mother seated on one of the dinner table's seats. In front of her, seemingly a pristine-white unopened letter.

"Dearling," Sona smiled at her son, the light not reaching her eyes. "How are you doing?"

"I'm fine," he answered. He perched on the chair next to hers and took one of the pastries Risa brought the previous day that laid in a basket. She would occasionally check on Sona and them. Their aunt had assisted them in any possible way was able to in the past few months. And even before that, she volunteered to do things Alastair wished she wouldn't. She once contacted James Herondale, Cordelia's boyfriend, to give him  the talk . It was hilarious as much as it was terrifying because while Risa picked fundamental English words, she had him by the arm to help her translate. And Holly Lord in the sky, he couldn't look James in the face for a month.

Sona just studied him for a few moments, before her features softened. "You always so self-reliant." she shook her head. "I'm sorry. You don't need your mother to nag you."

Alastair inclined toward her, squinting. "Mom, I never said that."

"You seem peeved at me," she adjusted her deep green roosari - it matched the wide yellow and green dress she wore - before resting her eyes on the letter. "I would think it has something to do with puberty if I didn't have a second teenager in the house."

"I'm not angry at you." Alastair scoffed.

"Alright," Sona said.

"Are Cordelia and I in a competition of who is the worst teenager? Well - at least I'm on the lead. Cordelia should level up her game."

"Dear, it's not it," Sona lifted both her hands, like in a plea, before she dropped them on the table again. Alastair noted her eyes wandered around the room - deviated from how she usually behaved - and suspected he was going to be apprised of some news.

Brows furrowed, he asked, "Is there something you want to tell me?"

"Well-" she rubbed at her eyes, and Alastair noticed - not for the first time - the dark circles around his mother's eyes. Does he keep you awake at night? He wished to ask in worse days, to see if it hurt her as much as it hurt him. Or is he haunting you with nightmares?

Alastair long knew the figure Elias is in Cordelia and Sona's dreams is of some immaculate hero. One with kind eyes, a guiding beacon, a loving man. In their dreams, he would outstretch a comforting hand and still be young and caring. He's the best version of himself, a father and a husband that loves them. He is also the man that dwelled in his most horrifying nightmares  - A drunk, nothing more. He was swigging vodka by the bar, with cold eyes and tousled white hair. This version of his father, he knew, would call him a brat, would complain about his mother pestering him to visit rehab. His father would hug his bottle and glance at him as if he was a nuisance to get rid of,  and he would close his eyes and wish to be elsewhere. But he's small again, and just wants his father to leave the bottle to hug him goodnight, tucked safely under the blankets. But his father wouldn't come.

Was it foolish his heart still stung whenever he came across this truth?

She cut the pleasantries and readied herself. "Your father's lawyer declared he wouldn't waive the trial," Sona conceded, her shoulders sagged. His mother laid a protective hand on her belly, where Alastair's sibling has been growing in her womb for the past few months. "A letter was dispatched."

It was all it had to take to ruin his day. He barely had the restraint to not leap on feet and scream at the cursed photo of his father, hung on one of the walls. Before it was all revealed, before it exploded in their face, and far before Cordelia became aware of their father's afflict, they used to do it often. To talk about what they would do next. How to protect Cordelia, how to help Elias, how to hide the appalling secret of their family their best. Now they did it for an entirely different reason.

Up to a few months ago, they were still a picture of a family in a broken frame. When the court exonerated Elias from any blame, they reunited and returned to posture like they always had been. Act, because that is all they could do. However, upon Elias's trial, Cordelia discovered the truth. Alastair was so exhausted from hiding it, he didn't perceive it until he let the lie collapse. He had blamed himself, he still did, but it changed nothing from the fact Cordelia knew about their father now.

She knew, and she was livid. At Alastair, at their mother and father, at the world. After all, she lived a lie. Who could have blamed her?

It was that day he confessed to her in a shaken voice the utter truth and let the wall between them succumb and burn to ashes. When he looked her in the eyes then, he saw the light in her eyes dimming, reality striking, the way he desires it never would. All those years he kept her safe from Elias were in vain. Although he received his sister back into his life, there was little Alastair could do but blame himself for shattering the delicate reality they threaded around her, the needless pain he caused her. She needed to comprehend, he told himself, what was behind the mask her father put in front of the world. 

But if he never wanted to tell her, did it still count?

And his mother. She looked stiff, if not a bit tired. She held herself straight and proud, yet it was useless. Because what could she do? What either of them could do?

"He accuses me of Parental Alienation," Sona went on, caressing her belly delicately. She peeked at the letter again, and Alastair did as well. Now he realized the sign on the letter, and the fact it seemed unopened but in fact was. "The court is checking out at his claims."

Alastair exhaled through the nose, rocking his leg in rage. "That's nonsense. He's irresponsible alcoholism that can't take care of himself. He was tipsy on the day of the trial! Any feeling we have toward him, it's his own making." Throughout the very beginning of sending the Divorce Complaint to court, Elias had refused to accept he was divorcing. Alastair was awfully aware his father wanted custody over them, and he fought with all his unmighty power to prevent it. When he imagined his younger siblings suffering a fraction of his father's attitude, his nerves set on fire. He was aware his mother fought teeth and nails to proceed in this divorce even without this additional claim.

And Alastair was even more aware they barely had had the money to pay for this. 

"What does he want?" Alastair growled. "He knows we don't have that money! He doesn't have the money to pay for this prosecution either!" His father, being put in jail, fired from his job, and wasting their money on wine, probably couldn't even provide Child Support.

"I thought it was going so well," Sona returned his stare, kind and calm. The giving sign she was upset was that rustling sound her roosari made when she fixed it restlessly.

"And Cordelia?" he made to quiet himself on the spot. He spoke in something similar to a whisper. "Bloody hell, she's upstairs. How can we tell her?"

"Language," she warned, then reached and rested her hand on his comfortingly. "She already knows."

He whipped his head in her direction. His mother didn't bat an eyelash. He managed only to let a strangled "What?" escape his mouth. He couldn't wound his mind around it. The father Cordelia looked up to betrayed her, over and over again.

His mother closed her eyes. Maybe she couldn't look at his desperate, fumed face any longer. "She was the one to fetch the letter from the post." Alastair held himself from swearing again and rose to his feet. It's good his mother didn't look at him - he wasn't sure he could look at her either. He was trembling with agitation, his vision red.

"He can't do that. He can't- get to win. Not after all the pain we've been through because of him. That's not fair. That's not fair." He was breathing hard.

"He wouldn't. Alastair, dear, look at me."

Her words were veracious, so was her voice. He couldn't manage himself to do as she said.

"Joonam-"

"I'm going for a walk." He declared strongly, hastily. "I need to chill out. Go and rest, Mother. You shouldn't work yourself out."

And with that, he took his leave. He ignored his mother calling him from behind. He brought no chattel but himself and whatever he bore that instant as he closed the door behind him and rushed down the street to disappear among the many passersby of London. Before even thinking about it, his phone was out, and he typed feverishly and pressed send without waiting to reread his text. He tucked his phone back into his trouser's pocket and took a deep breath.

His father wouldn't desist from haunting him, no matter how much he prayed it to come to an end. When his mother announced she wants a divorce, he - not lacking guilt - felt glad. Each day home was a misery. His mother was confined to bed, his father trailed the streets as if he didn't return from rehab just a month before. And this life was a cage he longed to escape, to set free from the crushing weight on his heart. 

His father-

He came to a halt in the middle of the street, letting his head fall all the way back with closed eyes. He wanted to punch a wall or lash out at someone. When he talked with Jem the other day, his cousin told him bottling things inside would only result in a breakdown. He recommended he contact a person he trusted when it all felt too much for Alastair to bear.

Perhaps he should...

No. he shook as head, trying to toss this idea into an imaginary dump bin. There's no need. A nice, solitary stroll is a splendid solution. Alastair needn't anyone to look at his back worriedly like some ailing lost kitten. He didn't need it. He can be fine if he simply composed himself.

He let his legs carry him mindlessly, losing himself in his thoughts. He walked, and walked, and walked. It was a great aid to clear his mind. Even in a crowded London street in the afternoon, he felt the tight cloud of thoughts loosening around his mind. Not for long, however. 

He walked near a club - a club he knew very well, but not because of his father. And in the entrance stood a freckled figure, with silken ginger hair and piercing green eyes.

The sight of his ex-boyfriend was enough to startle Alastair out of his thought. They locked eyes, and Alastair nearly lost his footing. Charles blurted something to whomever he was talking to and advanced toward the dark-haired boy. Alastair felt himself go stiff as if he prepared for a hit.  Swiftly, he considered turning around and flee, and just as he was about to put this thought into effect, he felt a hand seizing his forearm. While Collecting his confidence, he turned to give Charles a blank glare.  

"Alastair." greeted the older boy. "What are you doing here?"

"None of your business," Why did his voice sound hoarse? "Let go of me," Alastair demanded.

Charles's grip on his dark skin did not weaken. It felt warm even though there had been a layer of cloth between them. Alastair attempted to break free, however Charles pressed his hand harder, not enabling Alastair to move. "Come."

And so Alastair was led by his redhead ex-partner to an alley, hidden from any of Charles's companions. Alastair had the sudden urge to laugh - still so furtive. Still so abashed. Charles shoved him into the alley, blocking his way out with his body. "Alastair. I haven't seen you in a long time."

However mad he felt, his voice came out calm. Cold. Indifferent. Like he practiced in front of a mirror when he was small. "That was the point of breaking up with you," he retorted evenly.

Charles ignored his remark. "You haven't answered any of my texts, nor my calls. I ought to speak with you."

A lump rose in his throat. "I can't fathom anything to be said to matter."

He dug his nails in his palm, then understood he'd been doing it and forced himself to relax. Charles had no authority over him. He couldn't reach him now. Yet, it felt far away when Charles studied him like a very interesting political certificate. He hesitated before lifting his hand to touch Alastair's cheek tenderly. Alastair, in turn, backed away. Which was a difficult talk considering Charles still held his hand around his forearm.

"Unhand me," Alastair almost spat. He felt his own shield build up. "Do you want any of your colleagues to see you so close to a man?" The dark-eyed boy knew it would work. Charles always aspired to appear pivotal, even when it was clearly pretentious of his side. Charles's grip loosened him and Alastair hastily put distance between them. Charles gave him a look - one Alastair could only describe as wistful.

"Had I known what I did wrong to make you stop caring for me, I would have made sure to keep you closer to me," Charles said softly.

At first, it sounded almost sweet. Almost. Rather rapidly it turned disgusting as the words sank. Keep you closer, toughen the chains, tell lies to a love-famished soul.

He felt fire spreading in his stomach. Not the good sort of fire - but the kind that consumes everything it touches, that destroys and demolishes and injures.  "You didn't know?" Alastair's voice quivered as he spoke, barely tamed anger in every syllable. "Shucks, so what could tell? What could tell you did something wrong when I told you I was upset you were with Ariadne? And later on, when you went and pushed your tongue into Grace's mouth in front of my eyes to make everyone believe you're straight? Or perhaps that whenever I expressed any feeling that wasn't gratitude you grace me with your presence, you said I'm overreacting? "

Charles straightened. "I wasn't bad to you. I tried to give you everything I could."

"Damnit, Charles, not today," Alastair whirled in his place, his words hot and sharp. "That's not on you to decide if you were bad or good to me! You have no right to decide for me. You gave me what you thought would be enough so I won't talk, and I was a boy desperate to be loved." He exhaled slowly. "So no, Charles. You weren't good for me at all."  

"You wanted me to out myself for you when I wasn't ready?"

He was never going to be ready, Alastair thought. "If you think I was upset with you because you weren't out, you don't know me at all." A mirthless laugh slipped Alastair's lips. Did Charles even listen to him? 

"Don't say that." Charles objected. "I know you better than anyone else. You know that too." he huffed and loosened his tie. "No, that's not it. Do you not love me anymore?"

It was ridiculous. "No, Charles, I don't." The smell hit his nostrils, and the realization dawned on him. Charles's mouth stank from Alcohol, despite not smelling it on his clothes at all.

Ah.

"You're drunk," Alastair condemned.  It was almost an accusation, spoke so offhandedly. But he truly didn't care enough for it to be an accusation.

"I drank only a drink or two." Charles dismissed, and he looked so ugly at that moment, Alastair wanted to flee from his presence. "If you didn't want me, don't blame me for why this relationship broke apart. I try to make things right."

It was comedic to watch Charles exculpate himself and put the blame on Alastair, had it been another day. Now, it only pissed Alastair furthermore.

"Stay away from me," his words sounded like acid in his ears. "I am not fond of drunks. Or ex-boyfriends. And you seem to be both."

Charles made a comical face, one in another day Alasair might laugh at. Distantly, he realized now why Cordelia and Sona were so reluctant to break him the news. When it came to this case, and to his father, Alastair was always on his toes. He is still too easily riled by the words and deeds of others sometimes. When he had to tell the court about his deeds revolving around his father - the late-night walks outside to pubs, the frequent help; the fear someone would find out - he poured all of his being to try and help his family. Defend them from Elias. But seemingly it had no use, and all Alastair was left with is his contempt with nowhere to pour it into. It slipped from the cracks of his armor like Lava.

He passed Charles, who no longer blocked the alley, and Charles perked up and said, "We haven't finished talking."

His phone buzzed repeatedly, signaling Kamala had received his previous message. "We are done," Alastair growled, loud. These green eyes widened, and he opened his mouth. To shush him, most probably. However, blood boiled in his ears and his words demanded to be heard. "Unassuming, quiet, dark," Alastair snapped. "A bloody puppet, that's what you want. And I refuse to be your puppet any longer. What is in my words unclear to you? Stay. Away. Should I spell it for you?"

Charles glanced at the sides nervously, looking for leery eyes even though there were none. Alastair couldn't believe it. Charles still tried to subdue him. It made him smirk ruthlessly at the older boy. "But you can't take no for an answer, do you? You think you deserve everything."

"You have no idea what you're talking about," The redhead scoffed, squinting at him. "If you're angry at something, don't take it on me."

"Oh, I will do whatever I want to do," His grin widened viciously." All I do is tell you exactly what I think of you. Does it hurt your white-man-superiority complex?" he mocked with a false sad nod. "Too bad."

His phone started to ring, and he could already tell it was Kamala, worried about what he told her. She was straightforward when she told him once to never hesitate to call her if her help is required. In some of his worst days, it was his best friend that contributed to preventing him from knocking his head in a wall. Moreover, Alastair told Kamala everything about the lawsuit and what they'd been through - the Carstairs saw her like family - and she was nothing but understanding. It took every gram of control in Alastair's body to clasp his phone and say, "I must go."

He didn't wait for an answer.

His phone went quiet in his hand. He pressed a few buttons and gripped the phone close to his ear.

After the fourth ring, someone picked up the phone. "Hello?"

"Our place," Alastair's voice was strained. It felt like it came out from far, far away. "Now."

With adrenaline still driving through his system, he headed to his hideout. When life would be too much, he used to wander around town or find his escape in the calm of nature. And if this meant hunkering down next to a fence in Hyde Park, that's his business alone.

His phone raged up, and he felt stable enough to answer. The first thing Kamala said over the call was, "Love, I'm so sorry."

"Yes," Alastair mumbled darkly. "Me too."

Eventually, they hung up, and he sat on the ground, so his legs were against his chest and his arms surrounding them. For however long it'd been, he rested his head on the fence and let his overloaded mind take a break. When it didn't work and his head still throbbed, Alastair kicked at the ground in frustration, raising a cloud of dust. Then he sounded the low noise of feet against the sand, and a long figure climbed the fence he leaned on.

He stared at what Thomas was securing at his hands before he made a noise of annoyance. "Hell with this," he reached his hand, "Bring it over."

He grasped the can of beer, opening it with a loud pssh-pop! The can was cold in his hand, as if fresh from the store, and he took a sip. Then he lowered the can, revealing again the image of Thomas in a hoodie and pajama pants. He looked like he put random combination clothes and went outside, which probably wasn't far from the truth. Alastair didn't have the power to hum appreciatively.

"You sounded like you were crashed by a motorcycle, and then was chewed by the cats and dogs of the neighborhood," Thomas offered. "Thought you might need it."

"No shit," Alastair mumbled. "Thanks." He cradled it to his chest and looked away. Thomas looked a bit worried, but he said no words. As silence as a cat - no, Thomas was better described as a tiger - he went and sat next to Alastair. He opened his own beer can, gulping the drink in big sips.

Alastair had not opened his mouth, and Thomas didn't pressure him. For long moments that stretched even longer than they should, none of them uttered a word. They set together, side by side, surrounded by trees and leaves and the sun sinking from the west. With a big 'Ugh', Alastair dipped his head and slipped into Thomas's arms. 

"I don't want you embroiled in this," Alastair murmured, not moving as Thomas started tracing circles on his arm.

Thomas sighed softly, resting his chin on top of Alastair's head, not before he planted a kiss on the line of his hair. "Alright. But you know you can tell me whatever you want, yes?"

"I do," Alastair fell silent for a few seconds. His cheek was against Thomas's pulse point, where he found himself calming down with its steady beat. "I met Charles today."

"Charles?" at this sole word Thomas went rigid, ultimately relaxing as Alastair captured the hand on his arm and intertwined their fingers. "What has happened?"

"Nothing," Alastair answered and he knew without looking Thomas had his adorable face twisted in bewilderment. Therefore he added, reluctantly, "The usual."

Thomas moved to eye him suspiciously, but Alastair's head was still tucked under Thomas's chin. "I wouldn't think you call me if it was nothing."

"I call you for all sort of things. It doesn't have to be because my toxic ex is a dipshit."

"It feels like a low bar."

Alastair chuckled. "It really is."

Silence ensued and the presence of his boyfriend made everything brighter. Later at night, he would wonder how one man could make it so much better, yet now he just felt blessed to have Thomas by his side. A few minutes passed with Alastair closing his eyes and melting into Thomas's hug, while Thomas stroked his back comfortingly.

"Alastair?"

"Mhh."

"Alastair. "

He dug his fingers at the cool ground, taking a deep breath in an attempt to regain his composure. "What?"

He pushed Alastair back gently, and the short boy complied so they were face to face. "Are you alright?"

His dark eyes refused to meet with Thomas's hazel ones. There had been a quiet, "I'm not sure."

Thomas picked at a loose string of his hoodie, and Alastair made a mental note to steal his boyfriend's hoodie and sew it. He sat next to Thomas and reached for the beer, gulping the content of the can. He turned to Thomas, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. He furrowed his brows when his boyfriend looked at him oddly, but it soon disappeared from Thomas's face. 

Alastair fiddled with the hem of his shirt, and his eyes were yet low on the ground. He sounded rustling by his side and glanced at his boyfriend as he took off his hoodie. Alastair cocked his eyebrow, and Thomas huffed at him with flushed cheeks. He handed him the hoodie. "You - might be cold. It's rather late, and you wear nothing but a T-shirt."

He scanned Thomas's underneath jumper and deemed it not much warming. "And you?"

"I am big, I make a lot of heat. Cellular respiration and all that."

Alastair snorted, shaking his head. "You daft med student."

He found solace in the warm hug of his boyfriend. And wearing his hoodie was almost the same, although he missed the heat. Yet, it was soft and familiar and all Thomas. His smell was enticing to Alastair, and he put it on and sniffed it -indistinguishably - even if Thomas was just a few inches away. 

As the sun set, it tinted the forest around them orange.

"You're doing the thing," Alastair commented, causing Thomas to blink.

"The what?" the tall boy asked.

"The thing. That you do." he poked Thomas's side. "You get all pensive and thoughtful and furrows your brows in that adorable way of yours. You caress your rose compass tattoo."

Thomas gave him a slight smile. "Genie has been ecstatic ever since Kamala agreed to join our family trip. I'm afraid my father is going to ask you himself if I won't."

"Ah."

"It's a bad timing, though," Thomas cackled nervously. "Sorry, never mind."

"That's fine, I don't care," Alastair said. "What family trip?"

"We thought to visit mom's country last year, but this year we want to visit some rural parts of England. Uncle Will keeps telling us how visiting North Wells, where his family lived. Eugenia keeps threatening to steal my sweets." 

"She certainly would still all your snacks," Alastair speculated. He flapped mindlessly the sleeves of Thomas's hoodie to himself, which were too long for him. Thomas sent him a soft side smile.

"She will," agreed Thomas in false despair, resting his head on the fetch they leaned on. "She's like some sort of sweets monster. The only way to calm her down is to sacrifice our food." 

"I know," was Alastair's response. "She's my friend. My very own short chaotic, havoc-causing, maniac goblin friend." It startled a laugh out of Thomas, and he went to rest his hand on Alastair's knee.

"Dad keeps joking he will cancel the trip if not all of the honorary lightwoods join as well. But honestly, I'm not sure he's joking any longer."

"Honorary Lightwoods?"

"He adopted y'all the moment you steeped a foot into our house. You know that." Thomas's voice sounded almost longing. He added, with a good laugh, "I think he favors you over his own children."

Alastair didn't know why he had to be this way, but it caught him off guard. It made a weird pang in his heart to think Gideon Lightwood would consider him his son. Even more so, when he knew his own father would prefer to engage in a foreign bar than to eat with him. Alastair's throat felt thick all of a sudden, and it was hard to breathe. He made a shaky inhale, as soft and thin as paper. Thomas captured that, of course.

"Baby," Thomas whispered. He acted cautiously, like he was afraid to scare Alastair away. 

"No," Alastair chocked out. He hid his face in his elbow, struggling to take another breath. "Nope."

It was silent for at least a minute before Thomas piped out, "Alastair joon."

Abruptly, Alastair lifted his head and turned to his boyfriend, a spike of anger ignited."I should be stronger," Alastair burst out, heat in his words, like flames. "It shouldn't - why does it affect me like this? This isn't - nothing has happened, so why-" he cut himself off, watching Thomas's countenance. He was the epitome of calm, deep understanding eyes and soft around the corners. His lips were pressed, and he was utterly handsome. Ridiculous. 

Thomas swooped him into a hug, and Alastair didn't accept it. He fought to break loose and jumped on his feet. Raving fear and outrage and agony all mixed together on the tip of his tongue. He felt angry at himself for reacting this way, at Thomas for having such a perfect family, at the world because there was no one to blame for his situation. "A few months ago I still searched for my father in pubs to return him home safely. Now I look for my father from the other side of the courtroom and watch him try to take away my sibling. And my mother - she wouldn't admit it but I know she's stressed. She probably can't even sleep at night without my ass of a father to haunt her! And Charles wouldn't even realize he's in the wrong, because as always, it's just my fault it all broke apart. Mine. Mine alone."

"And Charles is still a jerk, and Mâmân is still unwell, and my goddam father is the worst father of the year," Alastair gritted his teeth. "And I feel so useless. Utterly useless.  because I can't do anything about it. The court will prefer my father's white ass to my brown skin. They would think he's a better fit to take care of the child, even it's crystal clear he isn't. He wasn't for us, he will never be. And this poor child - it deserves a real family. And my drunken father is nothing of what it deserves. So how can he try to get custody over it, Thomas? How can they let him? " 

"Alastair," his name sang on his boyfriend's tongue was like thick syrup. "You are not useless."

The shorter man flashed at him with a growl. "I couldn't help my father with his problem. I can't help my mom in court. I can't even be a good sibling to Cordelia, so how could I be a good one to the baby-?"

He was shuddering, he perceived, even though the night wasn't very cold. Was he sobbing? he couldn't tell. It was like he felt everything detached from afar. He felt bulky arms close around him, and he didn't protest this time. He tried to catch his breath, albeit it kept escaping him.

"None of this is your fault, Azizam. Life can be unfair to fair people. But you mustn't question yourself because of it." Thomas grazed a big, warm hand on Alastair's cheek, sweeping his tears. "And your love is so profound, it can build bridges. It's so selfless and raw and pure, can't you see it? It's all your heart, all of you, aching because you want those you love to be well. And they will be well, Alastair. They can move mountains because it's you on their side. They are lucky to have you." His voice lowered to a whisper.

"This is just too much," Alastair shook his head. "I just- want to be out of my racing mind. I want some quiet."

Thomas gave him a sad look. "I can't tell you it will pass soon. But you're not alone, Alastair. You have many people to hold you when you feel you're about to fall. All you have to do is look."

They set there in their hideout, and Thomas leaned in and left a gentle kiss on Alastair's lips. A promise.

Alastair tilted his head and closed his eyes. "What did I do to deserve you?"

"If anything, it's the opposite. You're spectacular," Thomas leaned in again, so their foreheads and noses touch. It startled a bubbled giggle out of Alastair, and Thomas smirked. He repeated it again and again and again. Until Alastair started to believe his words.

[cant-think-of-anything]

I think part of the reason that there’s such a dissonance between what kind of character Matthew is ~supposed~ to have and what kind of poor traits shine through, especially in his treatment of Alastair, is not just because of CC’s poor handling of alcoholism (and, in my opinion, mental health issues and depression) but also because: Our first introduction to these characters happened a long ways before some major changes to TLH.

Namely… Alastair and Cordelia were basically white in CC’s original planning. There’s just no way around that. Their flower cards, where they’re not just whitewashed but purely white, prove that (and they STILL haven’t been updated, by the way.)

Also, Alastair’s hair: in CoG it was dyed blond, and CC wrote it off implicitly as a racism thing when she decided he was Persian (which I guess happened after the short story where we met Alastair and before TLH) , which would have been fine it if it was an arc written better. Except, I don’t think she realized that it would make Matthew’s comments about Alastair inherently and obviously racist, being a white author. And I doubt that it will be dealt with and named or even acknowledged outright in the final TLH installment.

Kind of the same thing with Cordelia. I’m not saying POC can’t have like red hair because obviously POC don’t come in a prepackaged set of five or six traits that are all configured randomly, but something has always rubbed me the wrong way about the way that CC writes the majority of her POC and especially WOC as exotic. I mean, Kamala as a character is to me a special favorite (even though CC did her dirty and didn’t do a good job portraying her character or intersectional identity) but I rolled my eyes so hard when she had lighter brown or “amber” eyes in canon or officially commissioned art. With Cordelia, I know CC once said she uses henna to redden her hair which is great for her, and I guess I have less of a bone to pick with that because it’s semi(?) realistic, but still. Also the fact that so much of her description as a beautiful person comes from her hair. Again that’s cool, and women of color should be loved wholly including being loved for the parts of them that they freely change (such as Cordelia’s hair) but… the proportion of the fixation on her hair as what makes her lovely rubs me the wrong way sometimes. I feel like it’s sometimes an out from CC making the ~scandalous~ decision that a woman of color can be beautiful because of the traits she is born with. Idk it’s just for me I had this long standing repulsion towards my colorings and my facial structure and white girls would tell me I was whiny about it and then I finally began to piece together things like “Eurocentric beauty standards.”

Going on a tangent slightly, but something else that bothered me was when Anna insulted Cordelia after buying her those dresses and everyone kinda treating it as a compliment? And just cause Cordelia, a fictional teenager, didn’t get mad about it doesn’t mean readers of color can’t see the underlying racism behind “Cordelia looks MUCH better in these dresses which are SUITED for her skin tone.”

I think that narrative could have been handled much better: if it was Cordelia picking out her own clothes as an act of maturity and self-realization and ownership, if Cordelia herself said (in a different way lol) “Damn right I can wear lavender ruffles if I want to and crimp my hair but I’m not going to let white fashion prevent me from outshining everyone because dark skinned women INVENTED jewel tones.” And I think some people will argue that Cordelia’s context makes this too self aware of a development but I would say that it would have been a powerful part of her development outside of her relationships, especially considering that she’s supposed to be a main protagonist. Full arcs for the win baby!

But even aside from all that what bothered me about Anna’s dresses was the fact that it was a white woman showing the “truth” or the “right way” or “saving” a woman of color, a trope which I don’t think CC intended but committed nonetheless. I think from a white author POV the thinking was “Anna is such a free bohemian who lives true to herself and she’s going to help Cordelia become that way too,” which irks me because I feel like that just worked against CC in terms of POC rep and also because that same ideology is used in an attempt to make Anna’s treatment of Kamala justified even though Anna as an out person, with racial and economic privilege and the support of an extensive and powerful family network, pressured and tormented Kamala into coming out.

I have a lot of thoughts on that relationship, mainly: it shouldn’t have been dragged out this long because from the beginning, Every Exquisite Thing, it was clear they were looking for different things. And if CC had left it at that and let them go on their separate ways after a week of knowing each other that would have been fine: Kamala can’t do an out and proud relationship and Anna doesn’t want secrecy, so they’ll develop on their own. And then later Kamala’s pursuit of Anna in the actual TLH books was I think meant to be a thing about “the lengths you’ll go for true love” but it felt forced. Honestly… It just feels icky. like this woman of color is just so hung up on this white woman who abuses her repeatedly and can’t handle her own misogyny and internalizations. And I hate that because both had such awesome potential! To me it’s less that I dislike Anna ( I’d need a whole other post to explain that) and more that I dislike CC for wanting so bad to claim sapphic rep but not wanting to put in the effort to portray it effectively- and pretty much all that entails is writing the relationship without acting like it exists in a pseudo-vacuum where the history and realities of interracial relationships and queerphobia don’t exist in the way we obviously recognize and experience.

And characters like Cordelia and Alastair are amazing and have so much potential; I think the true origin of the problems with their portrayal is that they weren’t really intended as POC or even queer representation in the first place. I don’t know if Cassie would have taken a different approach to her characterization had she known Alastair would be a brown gay man when she first introduced him, but I hope it would have at least made her more conscientious of the inherent application of colonialism and racism in her storytelling from that point onward.

I want to finally add that I’m not saying any portrayal of racism is bad. I’m saying that the racism in the story is not part of a conscious framework that critiques racism appropriately. I think CC wrote the beginnings of the narrative, decided she was going to develop the diversity point content, and then either didn’t look back at the older content to analyze it and the other (white characters) through a new lens of race and outsiderness and queer personhood, or she looked at it and didn’t know what to do with it, or looked at it and didn’t care.

Sorry this got so long! Thanks for listening.

- A.

I feel like CC handled everything poorly in regards to characters who had a lot of potential.

The fact that Cordelia and Alastair are both originally white and it's so obvious in the way every bit of racism is handled by the characters. Matthew's comments in CLS are very important and they should've been handled with the same severity that Alastair's words were. CC changing the characters to POC was a big decision and when she did so she should've went back and actually read her own material. I can assure you that it will not be handled in CHOT, my expectations for CC recognizing the importance and gravity in the words she writes regarding racism or any of her "implied racism" bullshit have gone to the ground.

Because while golden eyes are obviously so easy to write when discussing discrimination obviously racism is out of the question /j

THAT'S EXACTLY IT, women of color in these books are so pathetically rare that on the rare occurrence that she does write them they should all be given these features that aren't as common in POC and written as more beautiful because of those features. I read CHOG after I became more appreciative of my ethnic features but if I had read this a year or so ago? Or even if I had read it after just feeling insecure in general? It would've been awful. The implication is that the lighter features in POC are the most beautiful, with Cordelia's red hair being put on a higher pedestal than her dark eyes and Kamala's eyes being focused on more than her hair (because I literally went back and counted the numbers to prove it and it's exactly what happens.)

I'm sure Cordelia's hair is stunning, but it's the way that when she's described (or more accurately being sexualized) it is just her hair and body that is shown, not the color of her skin or the color of her eyes.

God the pastel thing pisses me off so much. It's not even that Anna tells Cordelia that she would look better in darker colors it's that she says it suits her skin tone. Implying that anyone with brown skin should be barred from wearing pastels. And Kamala? In the few times she is described, she's wearing dark colors or champagne gold, never light blue or purple or pink WHICH HONESTLY SUITS HER PERSONALITY. It's also the way that the dresses Anna sent her are described to be more revealing- it's weird. Anna barely knew her when she started dictating everything that Cordelia could put on her body.

“Damn right I can wear lavender ruffles if I want to and crimp my hair but I’m not going to let white fashion prevent me from outshining everyone because dark skinned women INVENTED jewel tones.”

I literally would have loved that. It recognizes that she doesn't need to follow these "rules" on what to wear but still shows her choosing what she wants to wear without making all the darker skinned readers feel like they can't wear a certain color.

I think what some people fail to realize is that these books are also aimed at upper elementary and middle school and a middle schooler with dark skin reading something like that? In a book with characters they love? It's going to be so harmful

Someone else mentioned that CC said Kamanna's relationship was complicated because Kamala didn't defend Anna: Defend her FROM WHAT? Literally what is there to threaten Anna?

These books are filled with tokenism and then praised for it. The idea of Kamala X Anna has so much potential but they're portrayed in such a toxic way. Throughout the last through books Kamala puts herself through so much guilt and regret and turmoil just for Anna to literally use her, blame her, and cast her aside. And it's so fucking annoying because it pushes this idea that this woman of color who was terrified and in an extremely vulnerable position is in the wrong for choosing her safety and presents them as guilty and shameful for doing such a thing.

I would disagree, the portrayal of racism is bad, because it is used at random points in the story and never brought up again, if you interduce racism take it seriously it's not the kind of thing you're meant to half-ass in a book thousands of people will read

I agree on everything else though, so much of these books are incredibly harmful and they are presented to a young audience so it's overall just a gross situation

Thank you for the ask though! I loved answering this, if you ever have anything else you're more than welcome to come back <3

[im-out-of-it]

PSA: RANT ABOUT ANTI CHARLES AND HOW I GET MAD ABOUT ALASTAIR TREATMENT

“I’m fine,” Alastair said. “I’m going to see Charles in the infirmary. Apparently, he asked for me.”

THOMAS IS THINKING BUT I THOUGHT WE WERE GOING TO FINALLY HAVE A COURTSHIP AND BE HAPPY AND BE ABLE TO EXPRESS OUR LOVE

I can only imagine how confused Thomas is. they finally have a heartfelt talk, Thomas starts to understand Alastair more, and just when he thinks they’ll be together- Alastair brings up Charles instead

“I felt I missed a step”

YOU MISSED A WHOLE STAIRCASE THOMAS

I think it’s safe to say that this not only hurt Thomas but confused him a great deal. I don’t think Alastair mislead Thomas at all. Alastair obviously wants to be with Thomas but he doesn’t want to hurt Thomas. and he also knows that James and Matthew despises him. I wouldn’t say Kit because half the time, I don’t think he really knows what’s going on lmaooo but Matthew seems to be the one who hates Alastair the most. and Alastair wants to protect Thomas’s friendship with them

but you know what bothers me the most about how this is written? Alastair then says “I owe this.”

EXCUSE ME ALASTAIR BUT YOU DO NOT OWE MATTHEW THIS!!!!!!!!

I get that Alastair was a dick to Matthew and James and said some shit but Charles was awful to Alastair completely. he made Alastair feel as if he wasn’t enough and constantly hid their love. and not to mention the heartless dick then decided to GET ENGAGED TO TWO WOMEN AND ACTED AS IF IT WAS SOME KINDNESS HE DID FOR ALASTAIR

EXCUSE ME

Matthew was so wrong to ask Alastair to do this because I think he knew they had some type of relationship and it wasn’t good. and the fact that Cordelia seems proud of this as well. girl you know the history!!!!!!!!

I don’t care if Charles is dying. that doesn’t give him the right to ask for Alastair. this man hurt Alastair over and over again and now you have alastair taking care of the man who wronged him on multiple occasions????

NO WAY NO HOW NEVER

because actually think about this. Alastair needs to feel validated because in the past, he hasn’t felt enough for people. he lost his childhood due to his alcoholic father, and had to protect his sister who by the way never shows the same gratitude back to him. Alastair has done unkind things, that’s correct but to make him take care and be there for the man who hurt him????? it’s not like Matthew makes Alastair be there for Charles but he sure bloody uses every effort to guilt him into it

WE ARE NOT DOING THAT. Charles never made Alastair feel like he mattered and was a priority. for some reason homosexuality is accepted more in TLH than it is in any off CC’s books so it’s not as though charles would have died the second he came out and took office smh and if he never counted on coming out, he should have made that declaration to Alastair, not treated him as some secret side piece

I get not having Thomas and Alastair be together right away. it does make sense and as much as thomastair is written better than book Malec, there is still development that’s missing. the fact that they don’t really talk that much, then have that one argument, and how their feelings are rushed by the second book is very lazy in my opinion

I’ll never understand or accept the audacity of making Alastair feel that he owes this to Matthew or whoever. how would it make Matthew feel if the person who hurt him the worst now asked to see him and basically take care of that person?????

hey this person broke your heart many times but almost died so go take care of them and see them. you owe them this

Alastair is done so wrong in the whole series. I feel it’s never really about him and I mean more regarding the merry thieves. and I mean more Matthew and James. it’s like they want him to suffer so badly for words he repeated even though Alastair has shown regret over that so they think any behavior is acceptable.

I’m sorry but James constantly acts as though he’s holier than thou and better than Alastair or really anyone. “everyone loves you”- Matthew. almost in a way it kind of comes across (at least to me) that almost everyone thinks they are better than Alastair. it’s like they hold him to the standards and how he acted in academy. Alastair can be cocky but at least he doesn’t pretend to be someone he’s not

Im not sure if I’m the only one who feels this way but it disgusts me how Alastair is made to feel as if he owes this, helping the person who wronged him and psychologically hurt Alastair

[littlx-songbxrd]

You had thomastiar royalty au right?? Alright don't kill me but while I would never write it I just find it so amusing to create and define a story with people! It's plainly a base idea. I wanted to share it because I think it could be so much fun to create an au with someone. And also because if not now I would never. So *gives you my hand to grab* would you like to create an au with me?

Alastair is a fallen prince. His family lost their crown to a cruel nearby kingdom and now all he's left with a noble title without nobility, living in chains in a palace he once used to roam freely. The stories on his drunken father had spread across the continent, of his mother's valuable state, and his... preferences. Their family is in ruins. He keeps blaming himself. Somehow, he knows, he has to get free. And maybe he has an idea.

The only person almost unfazed by those rumors was his beloved sister, who wants to rise the Carstairs royal family back to the throne and rescue her beloved father and return what is hers. Cordelia always was shielded in the royal palace - and her only friend is from a close another kingdom, princess Lucie Herondale - despite her skill at weapons. She was the wielder of the famous royal family, Cortana, until the pouncebuys took over her kingdom in spells and lies, turning people against them. Little does she know, some of those lies are the truth to its whole.

Thomas, the third child of the Lightwood royal lineage, has a secret. After losing his sister and crown princess the year before, he was sent to recover in his friend's kingdom. Accompanied with his close friends by his sides, in a confusing chain of events he might just find himself in a revolution against something greater than himself. He never thought it'd be the secret he kept so many years to pave the way to a new possible sunrise, with new people to share it with.

I know it sounds very odd but it's past midnight and my brain is just half awake so yeah, thoughts? 👉👈

Hi! So if I am being 100% honest I do not think I was the one who had a thomastair royalty au, I have thought about it but don't recall ever posting it! I may have posted it without knowing but I don't think I did! Truly who knows but this is so well thought out I am so in for developing it further

So I totally adore the idea of Alastair being a fallen prince, now chained to a kingdom that used to be his. Being honest that gives me vibes of the ash princess (the entire prologue is just the protagonist describing how she feels being trapped within her home) and I love that for this au. So basically my question here would be how would the Carstairs living conditions develop

Cause I'm thinking from how you are describing it it'd be cool if the Carstairs were being still kept at the Castle maybe

Here me out

So Elias is the king of the Carstairs lands after the previous royal family (Jonas family) dies in a tragic attack, and a mage called the magister takes over. The crowned prince Elias is still out hunting the supposed demon that killed the family, and the kings youngest Jem manages to be escaped my some of the villagers in hopes of still having a heir once his grown. Jem grows in a neighboring village thought he is an extremely ill child, there he means a runaway boy from another royal family, Will, whos ran away because he is cursed.

Plot happens turns out the same mage was taking over wills kingdom by using benedict lightwood and thus the lightwood kingdom for his own uses. Gideon betrays his father and when he dies is crowned king, and when the entire tid team beats the mage like everyone's freed they all go back to their own kingdoms and live happy

But Jem was at the late stages of his illness, and to the world he dies (Not really he just left because he found a cure and needed to leave to be one with the magic of the world to get it his not dead and Tessa and will still see him often only his dead to the world)

So through all this when Elias comes back from killing the demon is crowned king of the Carstairs lands

He marries a woman from far of land and produces two heirs Alastair and Cordelia

Just the fact he married someone who isn't native to their lands already starts the general distrust of Elias, and the royal family

The thing is with the years Elias gets more attached to the bottle than looking out for his kingdom, or his family

They try to pretend everything's alright when in reality it wasn't and the crowned prince, Alastair, really has been taking care of everything ever since he could remeber

He's been running the kingdom without everyone's knowledge and he's exhausted. But he loves his people and family enough to even so take on the burden every day

When the pouncebyes start to show signs of attack, he begs his father to put up defense. Elias refuses, not even paying attention to his propositions. Even with all of Alastair's authority he cant outrank the king. So he tries to send troupes to borders and makes excuses, get civilians away from the side lines as much as he can because Elias doesn't do anything

The pouncebyes attack, and to this day Alastair still blames himself for not doing more

There are less casualties thanks to his doings, the damage is low for that of an invation, but they are invated, and they take over their lands. Elias is arrested for refusing to give up the kingdom, kept in jail as an exploit of war

The rest of the Carstairs are able to run away from the castles before they are taken and arrested. Cordelia continues to push on how to restore his fathers name, and Alastair isn't sure how to break it to her that most the rumors are true. But Alastair has a plan, and he will be getting his kingdom back

To the other kingdoms, the attack of the Carstairs is being advertised as a treaty between the two kingdoms. The lightwoods are doubtful of such, and prince Thomas looking to get away from the endless mourning for his sister agrees to go to their lands to get word of what is truly going own. He and his friends embark on a journey south (their kingdom is in the south in my mind now dhhaibwjbian)

The last thing he plans is to find himself held at knife point by the crowned prince of the Carstairs kingdom

(Ok so Alastair thought Thomas and co arriving near his kingdom were reinforcements being brought in by the pouncebyes in disguise so he was gonna take them and use them as blackmail to the crown by the rebellion hes forming)

Yes these are my thoughts

I love this

I am endlessly sorry it took so long but I AM SO READY TO CONTINUE TO TALK ABOUT THIS

[anarmorofwords]

I'm sorry I know this wasn't the point of your post but-

Alastair in a nutshell-

Also if you're open to discussing it, I want to talk about Matthew and Kellington's relationship. Because I firmly believe that Kellington played a big part in Matthew's poor mental state and alcoholism. Also I think Kellington did to Matthew what Charles did to Alastair, but that's just me noticing him trying to get Matthew alone to do who knows what

lololol true

Oh absolutely! look I'm always open to discussing my baby

I actually plan to pay more attention to that during a reread, though I feel like we have barely any information about that relationship?! I mean we barely have information on Matthew in general?! Like I said yesterday, he's a careless flirt/comic relief, an obstacle for Jordelia and Thomastair, and someone through whom CC can shit on Alastair. We don't even have his pov?! For all the time he appears in those books and the importance of him for others, it's so weird that we don't have his pov?!?

But I digress. Yes that relationship looks very shady to me. Especially that everyone views Matthew as all smiles and charm, and he's actually a very vulnerable and sensitive, romantic soul, and contrary to Anna, I think he actually takes all the romances very seriously? Like, yeah, he flirts a lot, but once it's relationships, he's deeply invested. Wasn't there a sentence that said something like that, that he looked very vulnerable with Kellington? I honestly think Cordelia isn't the first person he looks for love in, to fix himself. He's done that before and he later conceals it with humour and surface-level arrogance, but I can't imagine how hurt he was by that relationship.

Also, who even is Kellington? How do we learn nothing about this guy through James's pov?! He was his best friend's lover, for a long time, HOW DOES JAMES BARELY KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT HIM?! Why doesn't he care more?! Is that purely on gracelet?

I'm also worrying that Kellington took advantage of Matthew. It's never said how old he is, but I assume he's older? Like, if he already works - and is quite an important person - at Hell Ruelle, he can't really be a teen. So yeah, I am almost convinced he's way older and Matthew pushed himself into that relationship hoping it'll fix him, but also trying to prove to himself he's that mature, that much of a nonchalant flirt etc.

I need CC to give Matthew a pov and a proper storyline.

[thechangeling]

Ok so a conversation @littlx-songbxrd and I were having made me remember something I was ranting about to a friend of mine once.

Brace yourselves this is going to be long. I'm sorry.

The sexism, homophobia and racism of the shadoworld straight up doesn't make sense and here's why. So if we start chronologically with the infernal devices. There is sexism towards Charlotte right? People don't want her running the institute and they don't want her becoming the consul because she is a woman. But the Clave has no problem letting women train and fight. This doesn't really make sense in my opinion.

Now you could argue that it's because they believe woman can be string capable fighters just not rational thinkers. Which is weird because in my experience you don't meet a lot of people who are "partially sexist" in that way. Like if a man believes a woman can't do high profile, high paying jobs then they usually also don't want them in the military. Anyways moving on, there aren't any mentions of homophobia in TID, mostly because they're arent any queer characters except Magnus and Woolsey.

But something interesting to point out is that none of the characters who know about Magnus and Woolsey ever comment on it really. And following this point, none of the mains display any signs of misogyny either really. (Except for what Will says to Tessa at the end of CA but that was because of the "curse.") You could argue that this is because they're the protagonists so they are supposed to be better then that. But accidental microaggressions are pretty common especially during that time period. More on that later.

Moving onto racism, this is the interesting part. Jem says to Tessa that shadowhunters believe that you are a shadowhunter first and your nationality or eace second. Actually Jem doesnt mention race but he says this while talking about being half Chinese so it's kinda relevant. Shadowhunters rarely tall about race throughout the books in general except for a few instances. When Jessamine criticizes Jem to Tessa, she calls him a foreigner and says some other racist shit that I can't really remember. Something about the yin fin and calling him lazy. That directly contradicts Jem's statement about them all being shadowhunters first. Also Will and Jem actually constantly talk about being Welsh and Chinese in the books so that statement is kinda bogus in general.

And if CC didn't want her mains being sexist or homophobic to show them as good people then why was it ok for both Jesse and Gabriel to say questionable shit about Jem? Anyways moving on to TLH. Sexism is still running rampid with their cultural customs and people being shitty about Charlotte being consul. Bots have to ask the girls to dance, girls cannot have sex before marriage or else they will be ruined or whatever you know the drill. But again, they let the girls fight. Cordelia is allowed to carry around a giant ass sword but she can't get some????

IT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE CASSANDRA!!!!!

Sorry I'm losing it. Anyways. Regarding racism. Alastair and Cordelia have experienced micro aggressions from the mains (Matthew and Anna) but it's never addressed. I'm pretty sure if memory serves, the inquisitor makes a nasty comment under his breath about persians when the Carstairs family sans Elias arrive. And then we have the whitewashing of Ariadne/Kamala by her parents.

But none of this stuff ever gets brought up really. Exceot for Kamala talking about her past and who she was before and sharing her original name, but she still doesn't talk about how it effects her potential coming out. Alastair doesnt mention race when he talks about the bullying he went through at the academy and none of the white characters ever stop to think about how Kamala and Alastsir's races play a part in their crappy situations.

There's probably more I could discuss with this but I'm moving on to homophobia. It's a thing in terms of the heteronormativity and people's judgement of Anna but it's not illegal like in mundane societies at this time. But all of the mains are totally cool with it which brings me to, I'm sorry but fucking bullshit! There is no way every single adult would be totally fine with it in this time period. Like I'm not saying outright homophobia but maybe some questionable comments you know? (CC is perpetuating this idea that good people never commit microaggressions which is untrue and harmful.)

I don't think there's any mention of whether or not gay marriage is allowed in the shadowhunter world at this point. Because the issues surrounding Magnus and Alec getting married were about Magnus being a warlock right? Because Helen and Aline got married before them in TFTSA because she was only half fae. So that brings me to when was gay marriage legalized in the shadow world?????

Is there any mention of this because I don't think there is? Anyways moving onto TMI. This is where everything goes to absolute shit in terms of world building with the standards for these things. Misogyny isn't really a problem in tmi anymore from what I remember. Nobody has issues with Jia as consul (from what I remember,) and that's that. But homophobia is still rambid throughout shadowhunter society so much so that Alec is terrified to come out because he believes that he can't be gay and be a shadowhunter in peoples eyes. Also there is pressure to "carry on the family name" which doesn't make sense because if the sexism has died out then women can have babies with whoever and not even be married and carry on their family line. And not everyone needs to have children, ergo there is less pressure on the sons to carry on the family name or whatever. This also doesn't make sense because homophobia literally cannot exist without sexism!!!!

This is because of colonial gender roles being forced on society. And men being with men and women being with woman totally smashes the whole gender roles, "woman do this and men do that" idea. There's more that I could say on that but this is already so freaking long so please just look it up. And speaking of gender roles it's literally mentioned that Maryse didn't teach Izzy to cook because she didn't want her to be forced into a housewife role like she was (although there's no evidence to suggest she was?) But then Maryse is lowkey homophobic?

It doesn't make sense Cassandra!!!!!

CC doesn't get that you literally don't have homophobia or transphobia without sexism. Indigenous societies pre-colonization didn't care about any of that stuff. Literally two spirit people were revered and respected and no one gave a fuck about gender until my ancestors literally came along and ruined everything. (I'm so sorry.)

But anyways there's no mentions of racism amongst the shadowhunters in tmi. Just Maia talking about her experiences with mundane society as a black girl. When Clary confronts Valentine and basically calls him a n*zi, he laughs at her and basically says that shadowhunters don't see race the way mundanes do which yikes @ CC. Granted this was 2007. This kind of sounds like what Jem said in TID. Only it clearly wasnt true.

Anyways I'm just super confused at this point. In TDA there was basically nothing in terms of all the isms and phobias. (Oh we arent even discussing ableism because my fucking head will explode!) But we do discuss transphobia a bit with Diana. But again it doesn't make fucking sense because transphobia exists because of sexism and clear gender roles (and homophobia.)

Society is still shown to be pretty heteronormative though which I guess makes sense but the Blackthorns have multiple queers in their family! You would think that they would be less so. When Livvy mentions all the reasons that Annabel could have a forbidden love she doesnt even think to mention that it could be a lesbian relationship. When Mark finds out that Jaime was in Dru's room he freaks out but I guarentee you, he wouldn't have if Jaime was a girl. I mean you could argue that it's an age thing and not a gender thing but idk. That scene always bothered the fuck out of me. Because Mark is literally half fae like why is he caught up on bullshit "boys and girls can't just be friends" hetero bullshit.

In QOAAD we see Dane Larksoear being sexist so randomly for no reason. Like it's so strange because CC literally created a caricature of a sexist villian with him. And it makes no sense because no one else seems to feel the way he does. Like Zara is basically the leader of the cohort right? And nobody gives a fuck. It makes no damn sense Cassandra!

And finally, why is the faerie world sexist with gender roles WHEN EVERYONE IS LITERALLY BISEXUAL AND THEY'RE FAERIES CASSANDRA!!!???? THEY'RE LITERALLY FAERIES WHY IS THERE A CONCEPT OF GENDER AT ALL CASSANDRA????!!!!

Ok lol now I'm done. Sorry this is so long. But yeah I'm so confused.

Tldr: CC's world building in regards to sexism, homophobia, racism and transphobia is very inconsistent and contradictory and it makes no damn sense.

[alastaircarstairsdefenselawyer]

you're not living in this world alone

i wrote this in one sitting and i'm sorry i don't really know what the point is i was just frustrated lmao, the song title is from "enjoy your life" by marina which is what i'm manifesting for COT. i don't think there are any triggers beyond what you would expect: mentions of bullying and elias' shitty parenting

Fanfiction Masterlist | AO3

“And how would you know where Alastair was yesterday afternoon?” Matthew mused.

Thomas exhaled. The truth was a long time coming. “Because I was with him. Alastair and I are friends.”

“Friends? After everything he’s done? You can forgive him so easily?”

“It’s been years since school, Matthew. He’s grown and changed since then, just as you and I have. I have forgiven him, and I ask that you respect that, even if you choose not to.”

“Respect that? Thomas, how could I-” He moved closer and lowered his voice as if that would effectively prevent Cordelia from hearing him, despite her sitting mere feet away. “I don’t know what he said to you, but you don’t owe him anything just because he helped you with the whole serial killer business. Listen, Thomas, you’re very kind, and Alastair… Well, I know what type of person Alastair is, and he’s the kind that understands well how to take advantage of kindness. I don’t want you to get hurt.”

Thomas could see Cordelia straining to stop herself from reacting. “You don’t know anything about him.”

“And you do?”

“I know more than you, continuing to reduce him to the horrible nonsense he said over four years ago.”

Matthew flinched. “Horrible nonsense? That’s what you’d call the things he said about my parents, about your parents, the things that made your mother cry?”

Thomas bit back involuntary tears. He knew how those words had hurt his family. His intention was never to reduce the gravity of them. “Don’t you dare use my own words against me! What about the things you said, Matthew?”

Matthew crossed his arms. “I have not a clue what you’re talking about. Whatever he told you were lies, I’m sure-”

“Did you forget that I was there that day? I’d nearly forgotten because it was so long ago, but I remember. I was trying to help Alastair because he was in a very bad way. Clive had just died. I know that the prank affected you, too, maybe even more so, but Alastair said that the prank wasn’t his idea, and I believe him. Clive was Alastair’s bully long before he was any of ours, and I don’t blame Alastair for fearing his own safety and going along with his stupid, dangerous plan. At the end of the day, it’s just not something you need to blame someone for. Alastair learned his lesson in the worst way possible. Someone died.

“I could tell that the other boys’ parents coming to the school in the aftermath of it all was upsetting him because he knew that Elias would never come to his rescue. You can jest all you’d like, Matthew, about how if he was your son, you wouldn’t care about him either, but it’s never going to be funny.”

A stillness fell on the room, a look of guilt creeping over James’ face, a look of panic having set in on Matthew’s shortly after Thomas began speaking. Cordelia stood up abruptly. “Excuse me?” She turned to Matthew. “Tell me that isn’t true.”

“Never to his face! It was just a joke. I didn’t mean it-”

“Is that supposed to make it better? All those times that you acted as if were some heroic feat for me to love him… Now I’m not sure if they were jokes or if you genuinely believe he’s less deserving of love than you or I. All this time my brother suffered in silence, he shielded me from it all so that I would never have to know what kind of person my father really was, he sacrificed his own well-being for mine, meanwhile… you all were here, making jokes about it.”

Thomas expected Cordelia to be angry, and she was, on some level. Her expression was haunted, however, her eyes holding even more guilt than Matthew’s. He realized, suddenly, what she must be thinking: How dare they discuss in passing something she never realized herself? How could Thomas and his friends see it so clearly when she could not? Thomas wanted to tell her that Alastair didn’t try to hide it from them, not in the way that he hid it from her, that he’s learned from his parents that in many cases you it’s more difficult to see the bad in those you love, your heart always searching for the good, but James began to speak instead.

“Daisy-” James started.

“No,” she interrupted. “I don’t want to hear it. Thomas, finish.”

“I- What?” he stammered, nearly forgetting how the conversation began. His heart was racing; he shouldn’t have said so much, he knew. It would only cause more pain. He simply needed all of this nonsense about Alastair to stop, and he did not know how besides telling the truth.

“What happened that day at the Academy,” she prompted.

“Right. He… he was in a bad way, because of Clive’s death and because of his father. He told me to leave him alone, but I didn’t because I thought that I could help. I… I thought that he shouldn’t be alone. Now I wish that I had gone, because Matthew went looking for me. He found me with Alastair and started insulting him. He made fun of his hair, which I know sounds silly, but it wasn’t, was it? That’s why he changed it,” Thomas realized as he spoke. “So that he would- so he wouldn’t look Persian. Matthew could tell that it bothered him so much, that’s why he continued to say it.”

Thomas sighed as he continued. Alastair should be the one saying all of this, but he would never, nor would Matthew ever hear it. “Matthew asked him if no one cared about him enough to tell him that he looked silly, not his friends or his father. He told him that the prank was entirely his fault, that it was his fault Clive was dead. And then Alastair asked me to leave. I assume that’s when Alastair said the things he did, and I’m assuming that’s where he got the bruise I saw on his face later.”

“And Matthew placed Alastair’s belongings in the wing that Christopher blew up,” James offered.

“Sorry,” Christopher chimed in, though no one was much concerned about him or his actions that day.

“What? Was I meant to not retaliate after he said those things to me?” Matthew’s eyes narrowed at them.

Thomas was exasperated. “Of course that’s not what I’m saying! I’m saying that you need to stop pretending like you haven’t said and done things to Alastair that were just as terrible as what he’s said to you!”

“Are you serious?” Matthew asked. He looked to James for a defense, but none came.

“This entire time you’ve acted as if the whole ordeal was one-sided,” Cordelia said. “Like you were just some child helpless against my brother’s cruel words, but that was never the case, was it?”

Matthew didn’t respond.

“I need some time to think,” she said finally, walking quickly out of the tavern without waiting for a response.

Matthew turned back to Thomas. “Is this how it’s going to be now?”

“What do you mean? Me, not letting you mercilessly take out your own problems on someone who’s been trying to make amends, someone who has been through far enough? I suppose so. It’s up to you, Matthew. As I said before, you don’t need to forgive him, but I have. You are my friend, but so is he. He doesn’t have a problem with that. Do you?”

Matthew finally resigned himself. “No,” he said quietly.

Thomas knew this was only the beginning. Cordelia was almost certainly on her way to confront her brother, and soon this would be an even larger discussion. There were apologies and amends that still needed to be made. Even more, Thomas knew that Matthew’s issues with Alastair ran deeper than his actual dislike for the man, but he knew that allowing him to continue to take his own guilt and self-hatred out on Alastair would only continue to make life more difficult for all of them. Both Alastair and Matthew deserved to be free of it. Once Matthew was free of this nonsense with Alastair, Thomas knew that the real work towards true freedom would begin. And once Alastair was free of it… Thomas could only hope for what would come next.

Thanks for reading! Tagging my usual suspects (lmk to be added/removed): @stxr-thxif @chaos-and-starlight @zosiaenrique @lifewouldbebetteronmars @littlx-songbxrd @dianasarrow @eugeniaslongsword @bookswitchcraftandcats @jamesherondaleofficial @thomas-gaypanic-lightwood @livingformyself @anarmorofwords @foxglove-airmid @writeforjordelia @sapphic-in @jem-nasium @fortheloveofthecarstairs

[shadowhuntertrash]

Yall I'm so mad. I had this all typed out and posted it but it posted weird and only had like half and so I went to fix it and it deleted so I had to do it all over again. 😭

Okay so OTP thing for Thomastair:

They absolutely hate fighting because it freaks them out so much. Thomas has never heard his parents or aunts and uncles fighting so he grew up assuming that meant bad things and Alastair hates it because his only relationship is was with Charles and that was so toxic so he's always afraid they'll break up after every little fight. Because of all that they give it a night to chill out and talk it out the next day so they don't have to stress about it for very long.

They love going and seeing le Voyage dans la Luna. They also love going to Paris for reasons. Every anniversary they go to Paris and spend three days there. It's both of their favorite time of the year (not that they would say it to each other).

I feel like Thomas would be most likely to be prom king but I feel like they would both be nominated. I feel like Alastair in a normal high school setting would have ALL the girls after him. I feel like he wouldn't want to be prom king though so he pulls out and Thomas wins because everyone loves him because he's such a sweetheart.

Thomas cannot cook to save his life. Sophie, Gideon, and his sisters have all tried to teach him but he cannot do it. He tried to make dinner for Alastair once just as a nice surprise kind of thing and he managed to set three small fires and get two second degree burns by the time Alastair got home to stop him. They had dinner with Cordelia instead.

I think Thomas is a really funny person and I find Alastair's sarcasm funny but I feel like Alastair when he tries to be funny is not at all. So I think he would crack up over his own jokes. (What are the strongest days? Saturday and Sunday, the rest are week(weak)days.)

They have patrol on Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday so when they get home they have dinner (Alastair cooks) they always eat late dinner because neither of them can eat early. After dinner they get ready for bed and then get in bed and Thomas puts his head in Alastair's lap and Alastair runs a hand through his hair while reading a persian book to Thomas. (They can't sleep without this part)

They don't really watch movies because they both prefer books but they both love watching le Voyage dans la Luna. They both get that butterfly feeling they got the first time they watched it together and are both still amazed by the movie.

Thomas occasionally accidentally calls Alastair dude because he's used to hanging out with James, Matthew, and Christopher so it just slips sometimes. Whenever he does Alastair gives him the unamused one eyebrow raised 'really?' look.

Alastair loves animals and he grew up with a horse at Cirenworth so when he and Thomas are able to they get a horse and Alastair names it cheval which Thomas finds dumb because its literally horse it French but let's it slide because it makes Alastair happy.

I think Thomas made the first move because he had told Alastair not to come near him and so Alastair is respectful of that even though all he wants to do is be with Thomas. So eventually one day Alastair is walking past him stiffly and goes "Lightwood" quietly and then he's being pulled into a closet and Thomas is like "I can't do this anymore." and just kisses him

Innocent Thomas started the prank war because he was tired of being passive aggressive to Alastair after a fight and decided to prank him with the help of James. It started between Alastair and Thomas but eventually spread until it was them, James, Matthew, Cordelia, Lucie, Jesse, Anna, and Ariadne. They were all too scared to bring Christopher into the prank war because they were scared he'd get all scientist and blow them up.

Neither of them get too jealous but Alastair definitely gets more jealous because Thomas is a handsome, tall, highly eligible bachelor and is constantly being approached by women and most of the time he politely declines but sometimes he is oblivious and doesn't realize they're flirting and Alastair gets all pouty and jealous and is like sorry bitch he's TAKEN

Thomas wants kids so bad. He grew up with two sister and two amazing parents and just really wants kids. Alastair on the other hand doesn't because he grew up with an awful father and is terrified he'd be a terrible father too. He's scared he'd ruin their kids but keeps it to himself and simply says no until Thomas is like come on Alastair please just talk to me. And so Alastair finally tells him why and Thomas is like "Love, you would make such a great father. You already care about them so much and you may not know what to so but you know what not to. No one knows what to do when they start Alastair thats part of the journey." And so Alastair is finally like yeah okay yes.

They would name their daughter Barbara Sona after Thomas' dead sister and Alastair's mom who is braver than anyone will ever know. If they had a boy they would name him Oliver Cyrus and call him Ollie.

Thomas loves dressing up and handing out candy. Its one of his favorite times of the year. Alastair on the other hand would much rather put a bowl out and cuddle with Thomas watching horror movies. Thomas always drags him out and makes them wear corresponding costumes. Alastair starts the night annoyed but always ends up having a blast.