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deliasbabe · 11 days ago

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I'll Travel Far Beyond the Path of Reason (Take Me Back to Eden)- Cordelia Goode x Reader- Part 2

Part 1

Sorry I forgot about this fic, but I didn't want to make you wait a whole year for part 2, so I split it into 3.

Word Count: 4.2k+

Warnings: Language, referrenced drugging, references to violence, PTSD

When you woke up the next morning, you were in her bed, her hair ticking your nose and your face pressed against her neck, safely tucked up against her body. You felt the tears begin to well up again, squeezing your eyes shut in order to quell them, but soon they were dripping on her neck, and she ran her hands through your hair on instinct, nose nuzzling the top of your head, lulling you back to sleep.

The next time your eyes opened, you were alone, but the sheets were still warm, hearing the shower as you drifted in and out of sleep, gradually coming back to the present. When the water stopped, you sat up, rubbing at your eyes as the door opened. Cordelia walked out, drying her hair with a towel as she smiled at you, “Well good morning.”

“Morning.” You grumbled, the supreme snickering at your half-awake state, “What?”

She smiled again, shaking her head as she walked over to the dresser, shuffling in a drawer for some clothes, “Nothing.”

“Doesn’t seem like nothing.” You mumbled, feeling the sandpaper in your throat and turning towards the nightstand in search of water. You spotted a full glass, reaching towards it, only to see your knuckles bandaged in white gauze. You stared at them for a moment, perplexed, before consciousness fully returned and you were reminded of the previous night’s events.

You looked at your girlfriend, only to see her staring back at you, her once smiling features now etched with concern, and you pulled back, leaving the water still perched on the nightstand as your cheeks flushed with embarrassment. You crossed your legs, fiddling with your hands in your lap as you counted the threads in the sheets, and you heard your lover sigh, her steps light as she grabbed the forgotten glass and pushed it into your hands, “Drink it.”

She watched you in the mirror as she pulled on her clothes, lip trapped between her teeth as she tugged at the dry skin. The second the glass was empty she collected it, depositing it back on the table as you mumbled out an apology, eyes still trained on the white cloth beneath you.

“You have nothing to be sorry about.” She replied, the bed dipping as she sat on the edge and reached for you. The second her fingertips brushed your skin you shifted away; the relief you felt the night prior now seeded with doubt. While your greatest attribute had always been your own self-awareness, it also made you keenly aware of the mechanics behind what pushed this reunification, or what forced it.

Choice had always been extremely important to you. You never wanted to be the person that backed someone into a corner with only one way out. Cordelia hadn’t spoken to you for weeks, couldn’t even stand to be in the same room as you for more than a few moments, yet there she was, looking at you so tenderly. But that wasn’t adoration in her eyes, it was fear, fear that you were so fragile that if she didn’t handle you with caution, you would break into a million pieces. She kissed you and held you last night merely to quell the storm, to stop you from the path of destruction you were surely on. Not because she wanted it, not because she wanted you.

You bit the inside of your cheek, willing to do anything to get out of the no doubt embarrassing conversation you were sure to have. You shook your head, mumbling something about needing to get up and get the day started, untangling your legs and trying to find your footing. Cordelia grabbed your ankle, anchoring you to the bed as she shook her head, her other hand searching for yours and running her thumb over the back to soothe you, “That can wait, we need to talk.”

You nodded, pulling your hand from her grasp and using it as leverage to cross your ankles beneath you, pushing you further up on the bed and just out of reach. There was a beat of silence, a shaky breath, and then she spoke, “I’m worried about you. You really scared me last night.”

Your eyes darted up to hers, “I wouldn’t have hurt you.”

“I know.” Cordelia soothed, “That’s not why I was scared. I was scared for you.”

You shook your head, gave an excuse, tried to downplay, “I just don’t like being confined.”

Cordelia stared back at you, her eyes looking up and down your form like she was doing some kind calculation, tallying up every movement. You looked away, seeing her blonde hair shake in your peripheral vision. “The girls told me you were doing fine.” She mumbled, her tone puzzled, “A few hiccups, but mostly fine.”

You looked back at her, dumbfounded, but she seemed to be looking right through you. You weren’t sure if they were lying to her or if they were just blind, but whatever you were, it certainly wasn’t fine. Her brow furrowed as she tried to comprehend it, tongue running between her lips before she bit down, seemingly deciding the first option was the most likely, shaking her head, “I should have known better.”

“I’ll- I’ll be fine, you don’t have to worry about me.” You stuttered, feeling defensive, “I’m sorry for scaring you, but really, it’s not that big of a deal.”

Cordelia tilted her head in bewilderment, looking you over as you chose to stare out the window. She didn’t get it, last night you were begging for her to talk to you, now you were doing everything you could to shut down any form of conversation. It wasn’t like you. You were never one to stay trapped inside your head. In fact, most times, she had to be the one to stop you from blurting out every single thought that crossed your mind. While at times it drove her crazy, it was also one of the things she loved most about you. When it came to the important things, there was no guess work, your heart was on your sleeve always.

She felt the guilt lodge in her throat, knowing this was largely her own doing. You had tried to talk to her, tried for weeks, and each time she shut you down. She wasn’t ready, so she pushed you away, and now your silence was a habit she didn’t know if she could break. A stray tear fell down her cheek and she was quick to wipe it away as you turned around, not wanting you to see it and shut down even further.

You fixated on a point, eyebrows creasing, and Cordelia followed your line of sight, spotting your numerous suitcases by the door. She snickered, “It was actually pretty easy to move all your stuff in here, since you already packed it for us.” You looked over at her questioningly, and she elaborated, “You’ll be staying in here, with me.”

It shouldn’t have been a surprise, you had already had the discussion before your fight, had decided to move all your things into her room over break, since you were already there every night. It made sense at the time, but a lot had changed since then. You had wanted it to happen, but not like this.

“You don’t have to do that.” You argued, shaking your head, “I didn’t mean to put you in this position.”

“What position?” She asked, prompting you when you threw her a look. She stared at you, eyebrows raised and tongue pushing against her cheek, and that look you knew. It was the same look she always gave when the two of you were bickering and she already knew she was going to win, but she wanted to push you and extract every single argument first. She was playing with you, wanting you to show your hand before she showed hers, all the while knowing you were going to lose.

You let out an inaudible grunt, shaking your head as you explained, “I know the way I acted last night wasn’t ok. It wasn’t fair and I don’t want you to feel forced to…”

You stuttered, you couldn’t say it, but Cordelia was right there, prompting you once again, “Forced to do what?”

You shook your head, unable to face the fear, and stared down at your hands. If you said it and she agreed, you would be devastated, but if you said it and she denied it, then you wouldn’t believe her. If you said it out loud, you would be forcing her hand once again. It was too soon.

But there she was, tipping your chin up and forcing you to stare in her sparkling eyes. There was a mischievous glint in them, her lips curled into a teasing smile, “Forced to do what?”

The words caught in your throat and you moved to clear it, obviously flustered, and Cordelia’s gaze softened, but not before she glanced at your lips. She shifted closer, and you knew what was coming next. You tried to pull back, but the grip on your chin tightened, so you spit out, “We can go back to the way things were.”

You saw the hurt flash across her features as her fingers fell from your face, hands moving to tuck her bangs behind her ears as her eyes cast down. When she looked back at you, her face was painfully neutral, and you couldn’t help but flash back to those weeks you spent in this bed. “Is that what you want?” She asked, not meeting your eyes.

You shook your head, sputtering on your words for a moment before managing to squeak out, “I told you I wasn’t going to force you.”

Cordelia was quiet for a moment, trying to piece together what you were saying, “You think you’re forcing me… to care about you? To want to be with you?”

You sighed, “I cornered you-”

Cordelia cut in, “The girls cornered both of us, you were just as clueless as I was.”

You shook your head, “That’s not what I’m saying…”

“Then what are you saying?” Cordelia asked, obviously searching for some kind of clarity, but to be honest you didn’t really understand it yourself, at least not well enough to put into a comprehendible context.

“You didn’t talk to me for a month, you didn’t even want to be in the same room as me.” You argued, “You made yourself pretty clear.”

“That was a mistake,” Cordelia sighed, rubbing at her temples and shaking her head as she sniffled back tears, “But I never stopped caring about you.”

“Caring about me and wanting to be with me are two completely different things.” You pointed out, Cordelia sighing as she stood.

“Stay here.” She ordered, shooting you a stern look before she walked out of the room, returning a few moments later with a binder and handing it over to you.

“What is this?” You asked, glancing up at her as you flipped through the pages, not understanding what the pages of text meant.

“The knife we pulled from you had an engraving in it, a crest.” Cordelia explained, “It traced back to a group of witch hunters that has been around since before my mother was supreme, a group we thought had been eliminated, Delphi Trust.”

“Your ex’s family?” You asked, Cordelia nodding.

“I called in a favor with the FBI, got some information…” Cordelia said, swallowing thickly, “It wasn’t random, they didn’t just find you. It was a targeted hit. They went after you because you were close to me. They had been following us for months, and I handed you right to them.”

“You didn’t know…” You began, but your girlfriend silenced you, pointing to the binder.

You scanned over the pages again, names and photos and addresses. You flipped through the pages, Cordelia speaking as you did, “I thought the protection spell would be enough to protect you, and it did, but it wasn’t enough.”

You stopped, looked up, “You put a protection spell on me?”

Cordelia waved you off, motioning for you to keep reading, flipping the pages to find pages upon pages of arrest warrants, “I didn’t want to tell you until it was all done. I didn’t want you to worry…”

You flipped and flipped and flipped, there had to be at least 200 of them. With the sheer amount, it should have taken months to compile this much research. You processed for a moment, trying to put together what all of this meant, “You got them all?”

Cordelia shook her head, “I still don’t know. From what we could figure out, all of the smaller groups that have popped up were started by them.” Another head shake, “We got as many as we could find, but not all the arrests have been made yet.”

“You did all this… in a month… for me?” You asked, Cordelia nodding hesitantly, “When did you sleep?”

“I wanted you to feel safe.” Cordelia said, beginning to rant as she dodged the question, “When they told me you left, I was so worried, I just stood by the door for days and…”

You vaulted off the bed then, darting across the room and crushing your lips to the supreme’s. She squealed in surprise, eyes going wide before fluttering shut, one hand snaking behind your back, the other tangling in your hair and tugging you closer. The kiss was delicate and soft and so, so different than the desperate one you had shared the night previous. When you parted, Cordelia rested her forehead against yours, but instead of tears, she was smiling and laughing lightly, her breath fanning out over your face.

“I love you…” She breathed, stroking your face and staring at you with adoring eyes, “So much.”

“I love you, too.” You said, beginning to chuckle, “But you’re an idiot.”

You squealed when Cordelia pinched at your ribs, jumping back, but she nodded regardless, “I guess I deserve that.”

“You guess?” You scoffed, Cordelia biting her lip, her gaze drifting to the floor as the guilt was plastered clear on her features. You sighed, heading back towards the bed and climbing under the covers, “Come here.”

She quirked a brow, “I thought you wanted to get up?”

“Yea,” You said sarcastically, “That was when I was trying to avoid talking about my feelings. Now I demand cuddles.”

Cordelia laughed but complied, crawling up the bed and into your arms. You sat there for a moment, trying to savor the feeling, before you felt a question crawling out of the back of your throat, “Last night, what did you do to me?”

Cordelia went still for a moment before flipping onto her stomach, gazing at you as she ran her fingers through your hair, “I needed to see everything. I didn’t want you to lie to me.”

“I wouldn’t have lied to you.” You stated, “I would have told you everything.”

Cordelia gave you a soft smile, a knowing look in her eyes, “You would have told me what you knew to be true.”

You stared back, obviously confused, “What does that mean?”

Cordelia arched a brow, obviously testing you, “Tell me about your nightmares.”

You shook your head, “I’m not having nightmares.” Cordelia stared back at you with a victorious smirk, like you somehow just answered your own question, “I’m not, seriously.”

“You haven’t been sleeping.” Cordelia sighed.

“I’ve been sleeping like a rock.” You shot back.

“No, you haven’t.” Cordelia said, “You just think you have.”

“What does that even mean?” You exclaimed, looking for Cordelia to finally give you some sort of explanation, “I was sleeping all the time. I spent days just sleeping.”

Now it was Cordelia’s turn to look back at you in disbelief, “You really don’t remember any of it?”

You threw up your hands, “Obviously not.”

Cordelia shook her head, finally pulling away from you and sitting up on the bed, “What do you remember?”

“From which point?” You asked.

Cordelia didn’t know, she didn’t know what you knew, “Start from the beginning. When do you remember waking up?”

You shook your head, “I asked you how long I was out for and you said four days.”

Cordelia’s eyes went wide in recognition, before narrowing again, “That’s the first thing you remember?” You nodded, forehead creasing as you waited for her to explain, “That makes sense.”

“How does that make sense?” You asked.

“I was confused when you asked me…” Cordelia began, stopping and shaking her head before explaining, “That wasn’t the first time you woke up.”

You tilted your head, “So when was it?”

“The day after.” Cordelia said, “You woke up screaming about… hands? Or someone holding you down?” Recognition must have flashed across your features, the supreme nodding her head before she continued, “I tried to calm you down, but you just kept fighting me. We had to give you a sedative because you ripped your stitches open.”

You could tell from the look on her face that it pained her, and you regretted ever asking her to elaborate, but she continued, “It didn’t work well. Even when you were awake, you weren’t really there, but you also wouldn’t sleep for more than an hour at a time. When you woke up, you would just scream, and nothing seemed to help.”

You watched a tear drip down her cheek, your thumb quickly raising to brush it away. “Delia…” You tried, “You don’t have to…”

Cordelia gave you a sad smile, shaking her head, “We switched to a different sedative after that, and I guess that’s when you actually woke up.”

You thought that was the end of it, nodding as you tried to pull her back to you, but she was stiff. “Delia,” You tried, “It’s fine. I haven’t had a nightmare since then, so the new medication must have worked.”

Cordelia eyed you, obviously thinking you were joking, but you remained serious. “You don’t remember any of it, do you?” She asked, her eyes full of concern once again.

“Remember what?” You asked, laughing under your breath, “There’s nothing to remember. Every time you gave me those meds, I was knocked out cold.”

The look on Cordelia’s face was enough to pull you into a seated position, eyes searching hers as she looked right through you. Your brows furrowed as you watched her fish through her mind and replay every memory, adding context she hadn’t even bothered to give you yet. “You don’t remember any of it.” She whispered, “Oh my god.”

“Care to clue me in?” You asked, trying to stave off the uneasy feeling that had begun swirling in your gut.

Cordelia met your eyes again, schooling her features as she cleared her throat, “You weren’t sleeping, at least not for more than a few hours. I was up with you all night.”

You shook your head, but Cordelia continued, “We figured out if I gave you the medication right before dinner, you would sleep until the sun was down, and you wouldn’t go back to sleep until sunrise.”

You stared at your girlfriend, perplexed, “Why don’t I remember that?”

“It must have been the medication.” Cordelia said, shaking her head, “Some sort of twilight phase or memory loss?”

You sniffled, trying to keep the tears at bay. It felt stupid to cry over something like this, something that really didn’t amount to anything, but you couldn’t help feeling like your own body had betrayed you. “You were there?” You asked, “All night?”

Cordelia nodded, hand reaching up to brush away the tears that had started to fall against your own will, “Of course I was.” Cordelia watched your face crumple, eyes tracking back and forth as she tried to think of why, her own face dropping at the realization.

When you were screaming about how she wasn’t there, she had assumed you meant the attack. It made the most logical sense. After all, she left you stranded on the other side of town, it was only natural that you would blame her. But if what you said was true, if you had no recollection after you were given the sedative, then it would seem that she wasn’t there at all.

“I’m so sorry.” Cordelia choked out, “I thought…”

You wiped at your eyes, clearing your throat as you attempted to school your features, “It’s not your fault.”

Cordelia shook her head, swiping at her own face, “Is that why you fought me?”

You nodded, feigning a chuckle, “I thought you were drugging me, so we didn’t have to talk.”

“No,” Cordelia said firmly, her voice cracking, “Oh god, no.”

“Then why didn’t you talk to me?” You cried, “It was weeks, Cordelia.”

The way Cordelia looked at you made you feel like you had truly lost your mind, like you were stuck in some delusion that she couldn’t figure out how to break. She reached for your hands, but you pulled them away, feeling a pressure build up inside your chest, but as quickly as it had come, it was gone. It was difficult to face the idea that everything that had happened in the past few weeks had been your minds own fabrication, it’s futile attempt to fill in the gaps, but it was true. She wasn’t looking at you like that to hurt you, the delusion wasn’t fabricated, it was real.

Cordelia’s mouth moved against empty words, trying but failing to offer you any sort of explanation, and you shook your head, “I need to see it.”

“What?” Cordelia asked.

“I need to see it.” You repeated, “I need to do whatever you did to me.”

“I don’t think…” Cordelia began, but you cut her off.

“Obviously, there’s something I’m missing. Please.” You pleaded.

“I’ll tell you anything you want to know.” Cordelia reassured, reaching for your hands, but you pulled away.

You shook your head, “I need to see it.”

You could see the hurt in her eyes, then the deliberation. As much as you tried to force the issue, truly she had all the power. You needed her for it to work, her mind, her abilities. She could easily tell you no, and it would be over, but you knew her too well. Telling you no had always been her weak spot; it was how you managed to worm your way into her heart in the first place. She always swore she would never develop feelings for one of her girls, had stuck to the rule hard and fast. When she realized she cared for you more than the others, she did her best to avoid any interaction, hoping the feeling would dissipate, but when she backed off you pushed forward, and eventually, she broke.

“I’ll have to make a spell.” Cordelia finally said, you nodding in return, “There’s no guarantee it will work, but I’ll try.”

You breathed a sigh of relief, feeling yourself physically deflate, “Thank you.”

You could see the hesitance still clear on her features, her unsure eyes and the way she was chewing on her bottom lip, but she pushed it aside and offered you a small smile, opening her arms, “Now, come here.”

You crawled across the bed, practically throwing yourself into her lap, drawing a giggle out of her as her arms enveloped you. You buried your head in her chest as she pressed kisses to your hairline, her arms tightening around you and squeezing as she rocked back and forth slightly, whispering, “My beautiful girl.”

You looked up at her, only to see her eyes glassy. “Hey,” You whispered, bringing your hand to her cheek, “I’m right here. What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” Cordelia said, shaking her head and pressing another kiss to yours, “I just… I thought I wasn’t going to get to do this again.”

“Me too.” You whispered, nuzzling into her neck, mostly to hide the fact that you also were on the verge of tears. You knew what she was referring to, the doubt and uncertainty that had plagued you for the past month, but not once did you stop to consider that she was feeling it as well, and while you still weren’t entirely sure what transpired in the past month, you did know your girlfriend.

As much as she tried to put on a brave face in front of the girls, you knew how sensitive she truly was, how she took every little hiccup to heart. You were the one who was there when that tough resolve crumbled, and every inadequacy she felt she had, came to the surface. She felt she was at fault if one of the girls so much as skinned their knee, so you could only imagine what was running through her mind when you came back with a knife wound.

“I thought you hated me.” She admitted, gripping you tighter when she felt you trying to pull away, but you were only doing that so you could look at her properly.

“I could never hate you.” You said, cupping her face with both hands, “Not in a million years. The only thing I could even think about was making it home to you.”

Cordelia pressed her eyes closed, her entire face tensing as she was desperately trying not to cry, but a few tears slipped down her cheeks regardless, and you were quick to kiss them away, pressing a final kiss on the tip of her nose, causing her eyes to flutter back open. “I love you.” She breathed, pressing her forehead to yours, “So damn much.”

“I love you, too.”

#cordelia goode #cordelia foxx #sarah paulson x reader #cordelia goode x reader #cordelia foxx x reader #sarah paulson

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abbythesleepdeprived · 3 months ago

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#witch coven #witches #witchcore #witch #ahs coven #ahs fandom #ahs #american horror story #witch wannabe #madison montgomery #zoe benson #cordelia goode #cordelia foxx #mitsy day #mallory

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damianfanfiction · 1 year ago

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#misty day #ahs apocalypse #cordelia goode #ahs coven #cordelia×misty #foxxay #cordelia foxx #ahs fanart

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komiins · 2 months ago

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went to a fall festival today,, super cute thrift finds too

all photos taken by me and @/cooliodoolio on pinterest

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the-fandom-abyss · 1 year ago

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Greenhouse Messes

Cordelia Goode x Fem!Reader

Genre: Angst ❀

Word Count: 1,305 words

A/N: I hope you enjoy this new injection for Cordelia @lexi1109 🥰

The air around the academy, shifted from fresh to stale as you working inside the greenhouse. The lively plants whispering amongst themselves, debating on whether a danger resides outside. A few twigs cracked under a weight of an invisible source, just outside the door. This drew your attention from the garden bed you were preparing.

"What are you not telling me?" To any normal person, you would be certifiably insane with the way you spoke to yourself. For you, nature always responded, they held the answers to more questions than you could possibly ask. Wind seeped through the bottom of the door, bringing in a cold draft. The action sent shivers down your spine. "Witch hunters" you whispered, responding to the message. "Do I have time?" The flowers sagged like one would when they dropped their head in sadness. That caused the panic to vibrate within your bones. You were too far from the house to alert the others, too close to the danger to escape alive. All you could do was protect the ones you loved, even if their focus was gravitated elsewhere.

Cautious steps were taken towards the exotic eyes flitting from shadow to shadow. With a shaky breath, you entered the gloomy outdoors, filled with monsters. Bare feet made contact with the soft grass below, sensing the vibrations within the soil. You walked with conviction towards the front entrance of the academy, hoping you could make it to at least the front step. The ground shook below you, alerting to a threat. They were running hard and fast towards you, which meant they all had eyes on you. Leaning down, you connected your hands to the life below, communicating through touch. The wind began to blow, the trees began to rustle and nature was ready to harnessed. Vines stretched through the cracks of the soil, whipping into view. They wrapped around the legs of the hunter that was fast approaching, pulling him into the air.

"You bitch" he said through gritted teeth as he fought against the vine. Thorns protruded through the greenery, piercing the body of the man. He screamed in pain as the thorns continued to grow, ultimately sealing his fate. The vibe threw him to the side, searching for its next victim. When a team of ten came into view, you were quick to realise just how outnumbered you were. Tree branches snapped and bent into shape, creating makeshift arms. They reached for bodies that were close, collecting as many as they could. That didn't stop a small group from invading, slashing your back in the process. A wail ripped through your throat at the sudden sensation. The branches faulted for only a moment before regaining its strength. It was enough for some men to slip through, charging at you. In a blink of an eye, those men were lunging for you, tackling you to the floor. They plunged a knife in each hand, twisting them for extra damage. In that moment, all you could think of was one person, one name on the tip of your tongue.

"Cordelia!" You screamed, as they continued to slice your skin. It was an extension of your power, a sense that could no longer be used. A light was turned on upstairs, a silhouette of Cordelia painted on the curtain. Hope twinkled in your eyes at the thought that she could hear you. "Cordelia" another scream left you lips, losing it strength as the blood spilled from your cuts. Another silhouette joined Cordelia within the room. It could only be described as Misty, Cordelia's newest obsession. That was what was given to you in your last moments. The sight of your love, entertaining another woman while witch hunters hunted you for sport.

Blood coated the floor below like a crimson sunset that graced the horizon. The earth fluttered underneath you, urging you to fight back, use all the strength you had left. Yet, all you could do was whisper Cordelia's name and succumb to the pain that radiates through your body. The men laughed above you, enjoying the thrill of the hunt and how they could bring a witch to her untimely demise.

"Y/N!" Nan shouted, drawing the witch hunters attention. They tossed your drained essence to the ground, setting their sights on the young girl. Something inside you crackled, sparks firing through your very being. The idea of Misty with Cordelia, Nan being brutally attacked by witch hunters, fuelled the fire within. Thunder began to roll through the sky, dark clouds followed closely behind. The hunters stopped in their tracks, searching the area for the next surprise. What they didn't expect was a bolt of lightning to strike the body they had left for dead. The charges flowed through your veins, body lifting from the ground. Electrical charges swirled around you as your eyes glowed a bright golden. With a pained scream from your lips, branches from the trees shifted and snapped, shooting out like barbs. The branches finding home in each of the hunters chests, rendering them motionless.

The energy softly floated you to the ground, where Nan was able to reach you. With all her strength, she reached under your body and pulled you towards the house. The entrance foyer was newly decorated with the blood that continued to flow from your wounds. The force within the house shifted when Nan crossed the threshold. It was sensed amongst the coven, grabbing at their attention. The first to descend the stairs was Cordelia, eyes fixated on the scene in front of her.

"Y/N" she gasped, falling to her knees next to you. Her hands reached out to pull you into her lap, wanting nothing but to heal you. When you flinched at her movement, moving closer into Nan, her heart fell to her stomach. "Let me help you, please" she pleaded, unsure of what caused the turn of your emotions.

"She doesn't want your help"

"Stop being stubborn, I need to heal you or you'll die"

"You were supposed to be with her tonight"

"What?"

"A date in the greenhouse and you never showed"

"Oh Y/N, I'm so sorry" tears silently travelled down the rosy cheeks of Cordelia. The sting in her heart, knowing that she could have prevented this, if she had just paid more attention.

"Misty was more important" Cordelia was taken aback by the comment, trying to understand how you knew. "She saw you in your room, she called out for you but you couldn't hear her"

"Honey, I am so so sorry. I lost sight of what was important and in turn lost sight of you. This is all my fault" she should have been with you, she should have been able to protect you. All her focus had been directed to the newcomer Misty and had ignored her connection with you. This small distraction cause her to break the link she had with you. In doing so, she left you defenceless to the world around you, if only she could go back in time.

Regret and guilt swirled inside Cordelia as they battled one another. It trapped her in silence, so frozen that she was unable to claw herself out.“It’s so quiet” Nan’s voice broke through her haze, Cordelia’s eyes snapping towards the young girl.

“Y/N let me help!” Her hands twitched with urgency, she wanted nothing more than to channel her energy through you.

“I love you” slipped from Nans lips, the final thoughts and words of the woman that saved the school. Cordelia may have broken the connection, but she felt every last ache that you had felt. She absorbed the hurt and anguish and carried it upon her shoulders. All she had left were the memories that you shared and even then, they couldn’t compare to you.

#cordelia foxx #cordelia goode #cordelia goode imagine #cordelia goode x reader #cordelia foxx imagine #cordelia foxx x reader #ahs #ahs imagine #ahs coven #ahs coven imagine #ahs coven x reader

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elyangelofdeath · 1 year ago

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#american horror story #serie tv #tv series #ahs apocalypse #season 8 #apocalypse #michael langdon #the antichrist #constance #jessica lange #sarah paulson #cordelia foxx #myrtle snow #madison montgomery #emma roberts #tate langdon #evan peters #taisa farmiga #violet harmon

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esotericgal · 1 year ago

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in my mind, they are dating.

#ahs #ahs coven #lily rabe #sarah paulson #cordelia foxx #misty day #wlw #gay #sapphic #witch

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lobeliamaximoff · 28 days ago

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two iconic queens that sacrificed themselves to save their covens

#american horror story #ahs #ahs apocalypse #cordelia foxx #cordelia goode #sarah paulson #agatha all along #lilia calderu #patty lupone #agatha all along spoilers #like the PARALLELS #delia could be lilia's daughter #or granddaughter #they have so much in common it's insane

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oh-mydarling · 1 year ago

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𝐖𝐨𝐞 𝐢𝐬 𝐓𝐡𝐫𝐞𝐞

✿°•∘ɷ∘•°✿ ... ✿°•∘ɷ∘•°✿ ... ✿°•∘ɷ∘•°✿

word count: 2.2K

warnings: talk of medication, light angst

The ticking of the clock was really the only thing you could focus on in the room, the only sound that broke through the fog of your nausea and rattled inside your skull, making your head pound ever so slightly.

Cordelia was at the front of the room, teaching her students and keeping a very keen eye on you; something was different. You were usually a perfect student, especially when you hung on her every word. Today, though, you seemed preoccupied.

When the class finished the only thing that notified you was the shuffling of your fellow students as they gathered their things and moved out of the room. Cordelia was stuck in place, preparing to teach another class straight after, so when you failed to hear her calling after you she sighed, vowing to catch up with you later in the day.

The next time you saw the supreme was at lunch, when you sat by her side avoiding eye contact, giving her the explanation that you were just tired and couldn’t wait to have a nice bath and go to bed tonight; that had led her off the scent for now.

When dusk fell, you were out in the greenhouse tending to your personal collection of plants. Although it was typically Cordelia’s domain, you had your own little corner to nourish while she pottered around in there. It had started as just an excuse to keep her company, but you found that the greenhouse brought you immense peace, especially when you weren’t feeling yourself.

Cordelia was in the kitchen, brewing herself a cup of tea to take back up to her office while she finished off some paper work for the day, when the door opened and the familiar sound of heels clicking down the hardwood floor echoed closer and closer to her.

Billie rounded the corner, huffing with the weight of the day, although her chest felt lighter when her eyes fell upon her wife waiting at the counter with shy eyes and a soft smile. “Hello, darling,” the medium greeted her, coming over to press a soft kiss to her lips and stroke her back, “how was your day?”

“Oh, the usual, broke up a fight, had to undo a spell,”

Billie chuckled, that kind of deep laugh that bloomed in your chest and spread like fire.

“Sounds eventful!” She retorted.

Cordelia hummed, stirring her tea while Billie kicked off her heels and padded over to the fridge to retrieve some red wine to dilute her stressed.

“Something’s up with y/n” Cordelia spoke into the silence, causing Billie to turn around, furrowing her brow, “how so?”

“She was distracted in class, barely stayed awake, didn’t eat a lot at lunch,” the supreme continued, listening her causes for concern.

Billie sighed, walking back over to her wife so they stood side by side, “I’m sure there’s a reasonable explanation, Delia, she’s probably tired.”

“That’s what she said,” Cordelia explained, clearly not convinced.

“Well there you go, darling, don’t worry,” Billie spoke softly, brushing Delia’s hair over the back of her shoulder before taking a long sip of her wine.

The two blondes sat down at the kitchen table to share a quiet moment before dinner, exchanging kisses and sipping their drinks while they caught up on their separate days. It wasn’t long before you had wandered in, not really enjoying the greenhouse when it got dark.

You entered into the kitchen and Billie grinned warmly, “hello baby girl, come here,” she gestured her hands, beckoning you to sit on her lap. You did so without word, nuzzling into her neck and closing your eyes. This little catch up was somewhat a routine between the three of you and you never felt more at ease than when the three of you were back together, even when you were struggling internally.

Delia reached over to rub your knee, “you doing okay, love?” To which you replied with a soft nod and smile, yawning to back up your story; you were just tired, that’s all.

—————-

It was a few days later, a rainy summer Sunday, and you and Billie were curled up in the library. You were reading a novel, of course, and Billie was reading over a script for an upcoming episode of her TV show, highlighter in hand and the cap between her teeth, her brows furrowed in concentration.

The soft rainfall enveloped you in the room, providing a sense of warmth despite the storm developing outside.

A storm was also brewing within the coven, the rainfall of the outside world being mirrored by Cordelia’s slippers hammering down the stairs as she flew into the library, brow furrowed in anger as she stared at you with a hostility that you hadn’t ever seen directed at you before.

You sat upright, unnerved by the nervous magic that bounced around the room, making your hairs stand on end. Billie had also put down her script, asking Cordelia what on earth was going on, but she couldn’t break through the tunnel that you and the supreme were trapped in, a silent confrontation that had you trembling with unease.

“I was just cleaning the bathroom” she said with a cool tone, anger replaced with disgust, or as far as you could perceive.

“What the hell is this?” She threw the box into your lap, with an anger that dissipated into betrayal, eyes welling with tears when she saw you close your eyes and sigh; she was right, they were yours.

Billie sat next to you, still confused, “Can someone fill me in please?”

No, you couldn’t. The words could not leave your mouth and you were hoping that Cordelia would do that for you.

“Do you need time to get your story straight?” Cordelia asked, dripping with venomous sarcasm.

When you stared at her blankly she scoffed, turning directly to the medium.

“They’re fucking antidepressants, Billie Dean. And they’re hers.”

The supreme turned on her heels and stormed out of the room, slamming the door behind her. You could hear her steps echo upward and across the hallway into her office, a second slam to signal her enclosure into her own space; she clearly needed it right now.

You and Billie were left behind in the room, equally dumbfounded. Billie looked at you hopelessly, waiting for a response, an explanation, anything, but you couldn’t bring yourself to articulate the words.

When you met her sad eyes you couldn’t help but crumble, tears flowing freely as you sobbed silently, frozen in place. She pulled you into her chest and your fist wrapped around the silk of her blouse while her manicured hand came to your back, rubbing soothing circles and whispering softly to you.

“It’s okay, baby, I’m not mad, I’ve got you.” She rocked you slightly, soothing you enough to dull the ache caused by Cordelia’s abrupt departure.

The thick silence of your secret and its consequences fell upon you, forming a pit in your stomach; this moment would extend into the next days, weeks, months of your life, and you found yourself sick with dread at how you would face it.

Billie held you as the sobbing slowed to a steady stream of tears, draining you from the inside out, until you had fallen asleep curled up on her lap, tears still leaking from your tired body. Billie was fighting her own tears, mind roaring with the thought of you suffering so silently, not feeling like you could lean on them, god it broke her.

In her office, Cordelia sat at her desk, head in her hands. She had memorised the name on the foil packet and had done her research; its reason for prescription, side effects, dosage; you name it. Now, the reality lay on her shoulders like a weighted blanket.

That reality was poisoned with guilt; you were clearly hurting, and she had flown off the handle. Thank god for Billie Dean. She always handled her emotions better. Cordelia felt things so deeply.

The medium had contemplated going to find the supreme so they could talk things through while you slept, but the thought of you waking up alone deterred her completely. For that reason, she was relieved when a coy Delia poked her head around the door, tiptoeing over once she saw you asleep.

“Hi,” she whispered, giving Billie a gentle smile.

The medium smiled in response, looking back down to you as she stroked the top of your head, a subconscious check that you were okay.

Cordelia sat down on the floor in front of you both, bringing her knees up to her chest, “I’m sorry,”

“I know, darling, but it’s not me who needs those words.”

Delia nodded; she did know, but part of her was relieved that you were asleep and she didn’t have to say them just yet.

She felt awful for how she had reacted, the self-loathing growing on her ribs like moss, but there was also a red tint of anger. You had hidden this from them, and she couldn’t help but feel so hurt.

“I told you something was up with her,” she sighed, looking pointedly at Billie.

“I know, you were right, but that’s not important any more, Delia. What’s important is the three of us dealing with this together.” Delia nodded, shifting nervously when she saw you start to stir.

Both women went quiet, waiting for you to wake up with bated breath. When you did open your eyes, you were met with the supreme staring at you worriedly, and tears immediately sprung from your tired eyes, causing her to hush you, scooting forward on the floor so she could stroke your hair.

“I’m so sorry, honey. That was out of order,” she whispered. She thought it might have been hard to apologise, but the moment she met your eyes she wanted nothing more than to resolve things and hold you close.

“I’m sorry I hid it,” you mumbled, sitting up slowly against Billie’s chest. She pressed a kiss to the crown of your head, staying quiet for a moment so you could speak with your other girlfriend.

“ I understand, honey. I get why you did it. But can we make a promise to be honest with each other from now on, hm?” She prompted gently, stroking her hand over the apple of your cheek.

“Yeah, I promise,” you mumbled, lunging forward to pull her into a hug, crying softly into her shoulder.

The two women shared a look of comfort, smiling softly as you sought comfort in your supreme.

Delia moved to stand up, prompting you to sit back against Billie’s chest so she could come and sit next to you.

The supreme rested a hand on your leg while Billie wrapped her arms around you, keeping you secure against her while she pressed kisses to the side of your head.

“Darling, we don’t have to talk about it just yet, but can I know how long you’ve been taking them?” Cordelia asked, giving you a reassuring smile.

“A week or so,” you mumbled, “the side effects are still bad.”

Cordelia nodded knowingly, it now becoming clear that the side effects were what had caused you to be so offish in the last few days.

“What are the side effects, honey?” Billie asked, squeezing you tighter. You listed them one by one, your girlfriends growing sadder with each one.

“I’m proud of you for getting help that you needed, but please don’t ever hide this from us again.” Cordelia scolded gently, making sure you knew they wanted nothing but to be there for you.

You nodded in agreement, feeling guilty at the whole ordeal, and you hoped that now the conversation would be dropped.

Not so fast, though. “How can we help you angel?” You shrugged, honestly not really sure; you couldn’t even figure out how to help yourself, let alone what you needed from them.

“Please don’t get mad at me anymore.”

You were angry with yourself for needing this in the first place, and the thought of your girlfriends being mad at you too made your stomach churn.

Cordelia smiled apologetically, “never ever, honey. I’m so sorry.”

“Why don’t we drop this for now and go and have a nap? I know I could do with it!” Billie suggested from behind you, and you agreed, being pulled up to your feet by Cordelia who led you upstairs, Billie in tow.

In the bedroom, you stripped down, choosing pyjamas from Billie’s drawer over your own. The other two stripped down to their underwear, already throwing back the covers as you headed back towards the bed.

“Come here, baby girl,” Billie coaxed, pulling you to lay your head on her chest as you curled into her side, Cordelia behind you holding you in place between them.

“Let’s shelve this until tomorrow, hm?” The medium suggested, with Cordelia humming in agreement.

There was still an unspoken tension that crackled in the air above you, but with each breath you took nuzzled between them, the tension slowly unraveled; things were uncertain, but what you knew for sure was their commitment to you and your relationship. Everything would be okay as long as they were by your side.

#Cordelia goode #Cordelia Goode x reader #billie dean howard #billie dean howard x reader #cordelia Goode x billie dean howard #Cordelia Foxx #ahs #ahs coven #ahs murder house #Sarah paulson #American horror story #Sarah paulson x reader #Cordelia

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dreamypqulson · 2 years ago

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— and i know we got some potential, cause that look you gave me was so gentle

summary: cordelia tutors you when you fall behind in your herbal class unbeknownst to her that the reason your so lost is because you can't take your mind off of her.

pairing: cordelia goode x reader

word count: 1200

a/n: i know i haven’t posted in awhile and i have requests that i have to write but this was just a little scrap that i’m deciding to post so nobody forgets about me! :)

It was awful, really. And you felt bad for it. For wasting her time. This is not going to help. If you needed some extra help in your herbal class, then you need assistance from Zoe, or Queenie, or Myrtle, someone who is not this woman.

It was comical, and you almost laughed right in her face when she ask you if you wanted her to tutor you later in the evening. You didn't need help. You were a smart and powerful which. You just needed her out of you head. There was too much of her to even pay attention to the task at hand.

And it hurt too. There was no denying that. With the many obvious signs that she was helplessly in love with you, you ignored them all. She's the supreme for god sakes. She was so close yet felt so out of your reach.

You were just wasting time in this goddamn greenhouse. Every minute with her counts, but right now, you were just staring straight at the wall behind her, daydreaming of what you could be doing instead. What— no, who you could be kissing and showing you truth to.

You hear her snapping and it pulls you out of your deep trances. It's honey brown eyes and hair golden in the moonlight that's shining through the roof window that you notice first. "Are you even listening?" She doesn't sound annoyed, but she's clearly had enough of this. All this. What even is this?

"I'm sorry, Miss Cordelia. I am, I just—"

"You don't have to call me that, ya know." It hurts too much to not call you it. If you call her Cordelia then it seems to real. She's not your mentor, not your supreme, she's Cordelia. And so you stand behind that Miss Cordelia barrier that you build. The one that Cordelia tries so hard to break down.

"I know." As you stare into her eyes so warm that you feel as though your melting, as they soften as they stare back at you, she cups you heated cheeks. You know that she feels how hot they are, you know that she knows what is going on with you, but still, she asks,

"What's really going on? You're one of my strongest witches, sweetie."

You truly want to tell her that she's so distracting because you've unwillingly fell in love with her. Because, then, maybe you'll be able to pay better attention in class. But instead you tell her, "I just haven't been sleeping right," sugarcoating your love for her and letting it melt in your mouth.

It's not a complete lie; because you cannot sleep when she walks by your room to assure that you are safe in bed. You cannot sleep when you've see her only an hour before your rest in a simple pajama slip. Milky silk and see-through if it were any thinner.

"We should make you a sleeping potion then." She knows your lying, but she is not going to force you to be honest. That's not what she is here for. She just wants you to be ready. She would wait forever for you to tell her how you feel.

And then she's gathering the ingredients. Patting around the greenhouse as soft as a spring day, and you have to look to see if she is even walking. Look to see that she's not flying around instead of walking like an angel that you could mistake her to be.

She stands behind you and her arms are locking you in between the table and her body. She's wearing a nightgown like every other night and you can feel her breasts press against your back. Your breath hitches and you think she notices because she asks if you're okay. You nod, because you cannot speak, you cannot do anything besides stand there as if you were built with cement.

Her blonde hair falls against your shoulder and you get a strong whiff of her lavender shampoo. She smells so sweet and you feel like you are being embraced by a fresh pastry.

"Do you remember one of the key ingredients for our sleeping potion?" She tests you, because she knows that the day she taught this, her shirt seemed to be just a little shorter cut than usual. She knows you weren't paying attention to sleep and potions and herbs that day.

"Um...," you feel so pathetic for not knowing. So useless. "No, not really."

She smiles still. You can hear it in her voice, "That's just alright. Chamomile is one of the main ingredients." She speaks softly and begins grinding the chamomile into the mixture. Her freckled arms rub against yours with each movement. Bare skin against bare, and you yearn for more.

These emotions are too strong for your body to handle. They cannot fit as you are too much already filled with Cordelia. You are going to explode if you don't let it out somehow. And so you stand there and permit silent tears to roll down your face.

You assume that Cordelia won't notice, but a warm tear ends up landing on her hand and she cannot stand there and pretend that it didn't happen. She doesn't want to make you uncomfortable, but the only way she knows to make everything better is to be upfront and loving.

She grabs your waist, gently, and turns your body so your facing her now. It's so close; you can feel her soft breath against your face and her legs are practically intertwined with yours. "I don't want you to lie to me anymore," she doesn't sound angry still, just so desperate. And you know you look a mess right now but she thinks you're so pretty.

"I don't think I know how to not do that," more tears fall down. You are so afraid because you know that it's too far this time. There is no going back to what you once were with Cordelia just an hour before this.

"Show me?"

Your trembling hands cup her cheeks this time, smooth beneath your palm. You don't want to pull her forward, you need her to show you that she isn't the supreme right now. You always need her.

"It's okay," she merely whispers, nods, and smiles softly. And you forget about you fears, about the sugarcoated emotions on your tongue. You lean forward and everything's so fuzzy and blurry around you; like a fever dream, but it's oh so real.

She moans into your mouth. She sounds so pretty against you. It's the perfect combination of her vanilla chapstick and your strawberry one to create the sweetest taste.

Her hands are still on your waist and she pulls back, but only her lips so she can rest her forehead against yours. "Not so scary, right?"

"Well i'm scared that I just fucked everything up."

She shakes her head and smiles delicately at you. "You didn't fuck anything up. I would've been out the door by now." Your laugh and hers are a soft melody that echo against the four walls of the greenhouse. She grabs your hands and tangles her slim fingers with yours. "I. love. you."

"Promise me that it's what you want." You still can't believe it. But you can't have it if it's not real.

"It's what I always wanted. What I wanted when I met you. What I want, still, now."

"Then you should know that I always wanted it. I love you too. So much."

taglist: @loverofallthingssarah @goodeday2u @lanawinters-ily @strawberryshorttcakkee @sapphicforsarahh @ahsfan05 @stayevildarling @isle-of-earle @cordithatgurl @mistysswampmud @billiedeansbitch @billiedeanspearls @cigaretteology @favoriteredhead @lovingsarah @cordeliass @citizenoftheworld-stuff-blog @multi-royalty-main

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deliasbabe · 11 months ago

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I'll Travel Far Beyond the Path of Reason (Take me back to Eden)- Cordelia x reader (Part 1)

You and Cordelia get into a fight and you are attacked by witch hunters. If you couldnt tell by the summary, heavy HEAVY angst.

I've been working on this for over a year and if I don't post it now I'll continue to tweak it until the end of time. Enjoy babes and I'll see you for part 2!

Words: 8.6k

Warnings: Violence, Blood, ANGST, drugging, drug & alcohol use, PTSD

How could you have been so stupid?

It had started off innocently. You had always played the good cop to your supreme’s bad cop. She dispensed the punishment, stern but always loving, and you spared the girls from it as much as possible. It had become sort of a banter between the two of you, the way you would intercept the issues before they ever reached her office door, correcting the situation so well she only ever heard about it months after the fact in hushed whispers. She would always scold you, but there was a hint of a smile only you could see, and she never was mad for long. So, when the girls called you the other night and admitted they messed up, you climbed out of bed and drove across town without a second thought, and without waking your sleeping girlfriend.

You thought it was simple, they snuck out after curfew, went to a party, and drank a bit too much. But when the cops knocked on the coven’s door two days later, your girlfriend was blindsided, and you had learned their little screw up wasn’t so little.

Grand theft auto, to be exact. Seems they had left out the part where they took some asshats car for a joyride and crashed it, but that was after he had been a little too handsy with the youngest and tried to spike her drink. You called it penance, but your girlfriend called it-

“A felony, Y/N.” She spat, “They committed a felony, and you kept it from me.”

“I didn’t know all of the information.” You argued, “All I knew was they snuck out and needed a ride.”

“You still should have told me. I’m responsible for those girls.” Cordelia fumed, “I know I let you get away with it before, but this is too far. What am I supposed to tell their parents? That their own teacher helped them leave the scene of a crime?”

“Once again, Dee,” You lamented, “I didn’t know. They kept that tidbit of information private.”

It was supposed to be date night, the one day a month you could manage to drag your workaholic girlfriend from her office and away from her responsibilities. But she was seething over her glass of red and you couldn’t seem to get a word in edgewise, so you quickly came to terms with the fact that it wasn’t going to be a pleasant evening, even if you were at one of the nicest places in town.

“You know that doesn’t matter.” She spit, “They could go to jail.”

“What would you have done if you’d known?” You asked, already knowing the answer, “If I had woken you up, what would you have done? Woken Mallory up so she could reverse time and make sure the whole thing didn’t happen? Magically move the dented pieces back into place? You couldn’t have done anything.”

“Don’t be condescending.” Cordelia growled, “You aren’t supposed to keep secrets from me, that’s not how this works. Especially when it comes to the girls. You should have said something.”

“So you could yell at them for sneaking out? So, when they did it again, they’d be too scared to call?” You asked, Cordelia shaking her head.

“They still lied to you,” She bit, “So your plan seems to have some flaws.”

“They were scared.” You argued, “They knew if they told me everything, I would’ve come to you.”

“You should have come to me regardless.” Cordelia spat, “I’m the headmistress of this academy and your supreme.”

“And I trust you with my life,” You said, “But right now you aren’t really showing your level head.”

And oh boy, if her eyes could shoot daggers, you’d be bleeding out on the floor. She scoffed, her jaw clenching and grinding as she mulled over her response. Normally, she would roll her eyes and grin at the joke, but she simply shook her head and grabbed her things, leaving the restaurant without another word.

“Delia…” You called after her, but she didn’t turn around, and your waitress was on you before you could even think to go after her, “I guess I’ll take the check.”

When you reached the parking lot, your car was gone, and you lolled your head back and let out a frustrated grunt as it started to drizzle. The symbolism wasn’t lost on you, walking across town in the rain only to come back with your tail between your legs. She was putting you through the ringer for this one, and while you couldn’t really blame her, she also wasn’t being completely fair. Not telling her the girls had snuck out was on you, one hundred percent. But you weren’t a mind reader, and you had absolutely no way of knowing the girls weren’t being truthful, you were just as surprised as she was. But still, you knew she needed someone to be angry with, now that the damage was done.

Still, an hour long walk in the now pouring rain seemed a bit excessive. The woman was blessed with the ability to transmutate but still left you stranded just to prove a point. You were lucky you had been in the city long enough to know your way around, especially at night. The choice to avoid the French Quarter added about twenty minutes to your trek, but it was the smarter option, given the string of muggings that seemed to plague the location, although the extra time didn’t help you escape your thoughts.

You and Cordelia had never fought like this. Sure, you bickered, but all it took was one well timed joke and the feeling was fleeting, replaced with poorly hidden smiles and ticklish sides. The arguments were meaningless, spurred on by minor miscommunications or the occasional poorly timed joke, never like this, if anything they were humorous. You knew Cordelia was protective, that she’d do anything for her girls, and you had grown to love her mama-bear tendencies, but she had never turned them on you.

You turned down an empty alley, a shortcut that would spit you out a few houses down from your destination, your desperation to get home overpowering your hatred of tiny, cramped, dimly lit spaces. You walked quickly, looking over your shoulder at every step, terrified that you would turn around and someone would be chasing you with an axe like the movies.

You glanced forward, a few more steps and you would be free, but as soon as you approached the exit, two men stepped into your view, and you stopped on a dime, “Going somewhere, witch?”

Witch Hunters.

Since the coven had gone public, more men were willing to join their ranks, and you turned on your heel and booked it the second they stepped in your direction. You never were a star athlete, though, and soon enough you were being pulled to the ground and restrained. You fought against it, earning a set of knuckles to the left side of your face, and you felt his ring scratch down your cheek as you tasted blood. You felt their hands everywhere, holding you down as three more blows hit, your stomach, the side of your ribs, and another to the face just for good measure. You tried to focus, but complete panic overwhelmed all your senses. You knew how to handle this. Cordelia had worked with you and trained you until you could do it in your sleep, but with the adrenaline pumping and the blood rushing through your ears you couldn’t seem to remember it at all, all you knew was that you had to get home to Cordelia to warn her, you couldn’t keep something from her again.

Somewhere in the haze you caught a flash of silver, a searing pain, and then the hands were gone. You didn’t remember pulling yourself up, but as you were dragging yourself back towards the house, you did remember having to dislodge your feet from under the dead bodies. It hurt to breathe, to stand, to move, but you mustered up what energy you could as you pulled yourself up the steps of the academy, wiping at your face as you spotted your car in the driveway, only for your hand to be covered in blood.

Your vision grew hazy as you reached for the doorknob, and you clumsily felt around till you were met with the cold, metal object, unable to trust your own eyes. You pressed your weight into the door, practically falling through and barely catching yourself on the entryway table. You spotted your lover in the kitchen, her back to you as you attempted to right yourself, “Dee…”

“I’m not talking to you.” She said shortly, shaking her head.

You lost your balance once more, falling into the wall this time. “No, Delia…” You tried again, your voice sounding strangled.

At the drop in your tone Cordelia was alarmed, shoulders squaring as she whipped her head around to meet your eyes. You didn’t think it was all that bad until you saw her expression, the way her eyes bugged out in horror, mouth gapping as she traced your form up and down, before her eyes landed on your stomach. You followed her gaze only to see a knife, and suddenly you were falling down, down, down.

You were pulsing in and out of consciousness, the world turning into a stop motion film. You saw her moving towards you, then she was on top of you, mouth forming around words and phrases you couldn’t seem to comprehend.

“What… Can you… Hold on… Stay with…”

You felt hands, first two on your face, tracing your cheekbone and calming you down. Then, you felt them everywhere, lifting you, and you fought against them with whatever strength you had left, deep laughs invading your mind as you felt those hands grip tighter and tighter. But then the rest of the hands were gone and there were those hands again, on your face and so soft, shushing you and lulling you into some limbo you didn’t know if you ever wanted to reach, running through your hair and grabbing your hand as you finally let the dark win.

“Just let it happen.”

Murmurs of familiar voices drew you into some semblance of consciousness. You couldn’t identify who was speaking, and for whatever reason, your eyelids felt like lead, unable to let even a sliver of light in.

But you could hear, the rustle of hair brushing against fabric, the tap of shoes.

“Not now.”

“You need to eat; it’s been two days.”

Then, a tone you recognized, still pleasant, but just enough bite to get the point across.

“I said not now.”

You tried to wiggle your fingers, flex your hands, show any sign of life, but there was some sort of disconnect between your body and mind, and it drove you nuts. Were you dead?

At the sound of the voice again, you wanted to reach out, to provide some comfort, but you couldn’t, and it made you want to scream. You were always claustrophobic, but this was a million times worse. You could feel your panic rising, the heat in your body constricting your lungs until you felt like you were suffocating. You heard a sound you couldn’t recognize, then the shuffling of feet.

“What’s going on?”

Then that voice, high pitched and panicked, “I don’t know.”

“Is she in pain? Do I need to get Mallory?”

That name, you knew that name, but why?

There was a pinch, then every nerve in your body was searing before going numb, the voices fading as you were desperately trying to claw your way back, losing your grip and falling into nothing once again.

When your eyes opened, the light blinded you and made your head throb, forcing you to shut them again. Slowly, you cracked one open at a time, trying to make sense of your surroundings. There were a pair of heels discarded by the bed, and the steady pounding of footsteps, one right after the other, a pause, and one right after the other again. You tried to lift your gaze up, only to be met with the glaring reflection of the sun rays in the mirror, and you shut your eyes and burrowed deeper under the covers. The footsteps stopped at the sound, stuttering against the hardwood, only to pick back up a moment later.

You cracked open one eye and looked down at the end of the bed, your girlfriend traversing the length of her bedroom, arms crossed, and a red thumbnail pinched between her teeth as she stared at the floor. You watched her for a moment, hair mused and lipstick smudged, wearing your favorite dress, and it almost brought a smile to your face, but then she turned around and you saw the dark maroon stain and everything came rushing back as your eyes snapped open.

She hadn’t changed, hadn’t washed her hands. The shoes discarded by your bed were the ones she was wearing, probably chucked to the side once the pain of the pacing had become too much to bear. You bit back tears, swallowed down the terror, and tried to speak, but your throat was dry and hoarse from the screaming. Your mouth moved over empty words, trying again and again until something finally fell out.

“You need to eat.”

Her gaze met yours, hands falling to her sides, but just as quickly as the relief had come, it was replaced by something haunted. She stepped towards you, arms reaching for you, then falling, then reaching again, until she settled on grabbing the sheets next to you, fingers fidgeting in the cotton. She met your eyes, looked away, looked back again, before choosing to stare at the headboard, “How are you feeling?”

You went with a joke, hoping to ease her discomfort, “Like I got stabbed.”

There was no laugh, no smile, not even a twitch at the corners of her mouth. You reached for her hand, rubbing your thumb along the back, but she pulled it away, smoothing out the wrinkles in her dress as she stepped back. “I’ll get you some water.”

“Delia…” You called after her, images racing through your mind of the last time she left you alone, causing your heart to bang in your chest, but she was already out the door, her feet tapping on the stairs, growing quieter with each passing second.

When she finally returned, it felt like an eternity had passed. She handed you the glass without even sparing you a glance, searching the room for a moment before she returned to your side with full hands. The glass between your lips was quickly replaced by a thermometer, a blood pressure cuff slipped up your arm and squeezing as you whined in protest.

“Shh,” She chided you, her voice absent of any of the warmth that used to feel like coming home, “Your blood pressure is still elevated.”

“You need to eat.” You said again, only for her to ignore you, so you settled for questions, anything to make her actually talk to you. “How long was I out for?”

She glanced up at you, looking perplexed for a moment before shaking her head and refocusing on the task at hand. “Four days.” She finally said, her hands reaching for the nightstand and coming back with a vial.

“Is everyone ok?” You asked, watching her draw the liquid from the vial up into a syringe.

“The girls are fine.” She answered, too focused on checking for air bubbles to even spare you a glance. Something was wrong, you felt it in your bones, but she ducked and weaved through every emotion.

“Are you ok?” You asked, reaching for her but coming up short as she stepped back.

She looked at you then, eyes hazy as she shook her head, “I’m fine.”

“You don’t seem fine.” You challenged, only for her to glare at you.

“You need rest.” She said, her eyes leaving yours once more, lifting your blanket and repositioning your leg, “You’re still healing.”

You felt tears burning behind your eyes, the fear still lingering that if you dared to sleep, you wouldn’t wake up. “I want to talk to you.” You said, trying to ignore the way your voice cracked as you grabbed her arm, halting her movements.

Her face fractured then, but only slightly, and you swore you heard her sniffle back tears. You thought you had her, but then she was reaching and prying your fingers off of her, the alcohol wipe drying your skin and burning your nostrils. “You can,” She murmured, shaking her head once more, “After you rest.”

You shook your head as she uncapped the needle, trying to wriggle out of her grasp, but within moments you were frozen in place, the needle pinching your skin and warmth quickly spreading through your veins, making your body go limp and your eyes droop. “But…” You began, fighting to keep your eyes open, your mouth moving. She shushed you, bringing her hands to your face and pressing her lips to your forehead, but you knew it was only to placate you, to give you a sliver of hope that everything was alright.

Over the next few days, you barely saw her, despite being stationed in her bedroom. The girls came and kept you company, but every time you would ask about Cordelia, they would dance around the subject, sharing glances you couldn’t quite understand and making some excuse about paperwork before changing the subject entirely. They did their best to keep your spirits up, but they knew they weren’t who you wanted, and you tried to ignore the pitiful looks they threw in your direction when they thought you couldn’t see them.

The only time you saw her was when she was administering your medication, coming up with every excuse to not be able to stay during the day. She promised you more time in the evening, only to knock you out the moment you dared to ask about anything outside of the weather.

She wasn’t sleeping, you knew this because you lived in her bed and she wasn’t in it. That, and you had spent enough time studying her face over the past week that you noticed the bags under her eyes becoming darker and darker. She had finally changed her clothes, but you didn’t know how, given that she avoided you for a majority of the day. Maybe she was grabbing them after she forced you into unconsciousness, or maybe she stockpiled them in her office. You grew to hate the sunset, the orange haze making your skin crawl at the thought of what was to come. You felt violated from being forced into submission, and as the days dragged on, you couldn’t help but feel the fear that lodged itself in your throat every time she would appear.

A week in, you broke, curled into a ball with tears streaming down your face as you begged, but she just reached for the vial once again, murmuring something about how your body needed rest, always more rest. She reached to stabilize you and you retreated, pulling your legs close to your body and pushing further and further up the bed every time she would bridge the gap, almost knocking yourself to the floor in the process.

Cordelia didn’t understand, brow pinched together as you begged, “Please, just talk to me.” She shook her head imperceptibly, eyes blank as she reached for you again, and you shrieked, launching yourself off the bed and onto the floor, “No!”

Cordelia stared at you in shock, her eyes scanning your face for some semblance of reason, but you weren’t even looking at her, eyes trained on the syringe as your face contorted in fear. She followed your line of sight, then looked back at you, her stoic expression splintering as the realization dawned on her. The syringe clattered to the floor, and you finally tore your eyes away, staring back at her with that same terrified expression as her eyes filled with tears. “I’m sorry.” She choked, shaking her head as she forced herself to look away, her voice dropping to a whisper, “I can’t do this.”

You didn’t say anything as she walked out, couldn’t bring yourself to stop her, and as you sat on the floor and waited for someone to find you, you finally came to terms with your new reality, with the idea that even if you wanted it to, things would never be the same. You didn’t know how long you had been sitting there, but eventually Mallory picked you up from the floor and got you back into bed, foregoing your nightly medication. As the night drew on with no sleep in sight, you found you craved it, at least it was peaceful, unlike the war raging in your mind.

Something changed that day. The oblivion you once fought tooth and nail to stay out of had become your safe haven. By the time Mallory had visited you the next morning, you had demanded it, morning, noon, and night. You didn’t see Cordelia once in the week that followed, although with how much you were sleeping, you wouldn’t have noticed even if she had payed you a visit, although you doubted she did. Your supreme had always prided herself on her communication, but you knew her well enough to know that when it came to the hard things, it was the first to go. You didn’t know what you would say if she did decide to talk to you, didn’t know if there was anything to say.

Once they were sure you could manage to get around on your own, they let you return to your room, forcing you back into reality and removing every coping mechanism you had. You kept to yourself for the first few days, downing Benadryl like it was water and sleeping through most of the day. On the third day, you managed to stumble down for dinner, only for the seat at the head of the table to remain empty the entire time. The girls were all thrilled to see you, talking your ear off about all the things you had missed, but in your haze you could barely pay attention.

From the little you did hear, it seemed your supreme had found a way to solve your dilemma, convincing the man to change his story and drop the charges in exchange for a brand new, much nicer car. A quick and dirty fix that was so unlike her, you had to wonder what state she was in when she gave the green light. You told yourself it didn’t matter, that what was done was done, but when you went back to your room it was all you could think about, staring at the ceiling for as long as you could manage before you were reaching for the Benadryl once again.

You ran out on day four, and with it, so did your patience. You had cried and wallowed and overthought for weeks on end, an endless pit that did nothing but drag you down. You couldn’t live that way anymore, so you left your room, taking up residence in the common area and hoping the chatter would keep you grounded. You talked and laughed with the girls, but no matter how hard you tried, it all felt forced, a failed distraction from the emptiness that took up residence inside your chest. The harder you pushed, the worse it felt, and by the time dinner rolled around, you had reached some fucked-up form of acceptance, resigning to the fact that you probably wouldn’t ever feel whole again.

You saw her then, at the head of the table, talking quietly with some of the younger girls, and you forced yourself to keep your head down, pushing at your food, afraid that if she met your eyes, she would bolt again. It didn’t matter, she didn’t look in your direction once, not even when your youngest student, Lottie, called your name and asked you both to watch an incantation she had just learned, or as she called it, “A magic trick”. Despite the tightness in your chest, you couldn’t help but smile at the innocence there, the way everything was still so new to her and full of wonder. You wished you still had that, like you had when you first came to the academy, before you learned of the consequences.

Cordelia was the first to leave the table, and the tension was palpable. You could feel everyone’s eyes drift to you, only to look away without a word. You grabbed your dish and headed towards the kitchen, depositing your untouched dinner in the trash and your plate in the sink.

“Well look who’s back to the land of the living.” You heard Madison call out from behind you, turning to face her. Madison was never one to beat around the bush, and you waited for the question to cut you like a knife, “Did you and Foxxy break up?”

You ground your teeth, jaw muscles flexing and releasing as you contemplated your answer, only to be hit with a punch to the gut when you realized you didn’t have one. You thought you had accepted it, whatever it was, but your eyes were glassy against your own volition, stomach twisting into knots as you spit out, “I don’t know.”

Madison’s smirk fell, the prideful look in her eyes replaced with something you couldn’t read. She didn’t push like you expected, she just nodded, and that was all you needed for your world to crack open, any strength you had left spilling out and vanishing. You grabbed your shoes and keys, heading for the door as they called out for you, saying you couldn’t leave, you weren’t strong enough yet, you could get hurt, but you didn’t care.

You didn’t care if your stitches ripped and you bled out in the middle of nowhere. You didn’t care if you were hit by oncoming traffic and left to die by the side of the road. You didn’t care if you fell off a cliff and they had to fish your body out of the river. Everything, your entire life, your entire world, was gone. There was nothing left for you, it was taken, and you didn’t care what happened next.

You arrived at the swamp with nothing but a bottle of whiskey. Misty had taken you out there once to gather mud, told you how sometimes it was the only place she could go to clear her head, her sanctuary, and you thought it might help, but as you downed the bottle and laid on her bed, you couldn’t help but feel like you were desecrating sacred land. You didn’t know how people did this, how they just kept going and moved on no matter what horrors they faced. You laid down and stared at the stars and cursed the world for spinning, for time moving, because you hadn’t moved in weeks. No matter what you tried, you were still trapped in that alley, in that bed, and nothing could pull you out of it.

Well, something could, or someone, maybe, if they tried, but even that wasn’t a sure thing. You would be an idiot if you didn’t acknowledge that this was more than just an issue with Cordelia, that even if you did talk, even if you did work it out, it wouldn’t fix everything.

But at least you wouldn’t feel so alone.

When you walked through the doors three days later, she was talking with a student at the foot of the stairs, her head raising involuntarily at the sound and her eyes locking with yours. You looked away quickly, leaving your muddy shoes by the door and depositing your keys on the counter, and by the time you went to head up the stairs to shower, she was gone.

She didn’t come to dinner that night, nor the night after, and despite the girls knowing enough to not ask questions, you could hear the faint whispers when they thought you weren’t paying attention. Lottie, however, wasn’t privy to this social knowledge, and she told you everything. Apparently, the three days you were gone was the most time that anyone had seen the supreme in a month. She was back to her usual self, she even started teaching classes again, but the second you came back, she disappeared once more.

You booked a ticket home that night for the following week, quietly packing your things over the course of the next few days. You didn’t know what the future for you held, but you did know you wouldn’t find any closure here, and you weren’t willing to continue subjecting the girls to whatever this was. It was too much, and you couldn’t take it anymore, you needed to get out.

You did your best to avoid telling the girls, not wanting to cause yet another spectacle for them to gawk at, but they seemed to figure it out anyways, and you weren’t sure how. They asked questions about your return, you did your best to dodge them, and for a few days it worked, until the older girls cornered you two days before you were set to leave.

“When are you coming back?” Zoe asked, trying to be delicate as she rephrased the question for the 50th time.

You sighed, “I told you, I don’t know. This isn’t as big of a deal as you guys are making it out to be. I just have some things to take care of.”

“Cut the shit, bitch.” Madison sneered, rolling her eyes, “We’ve all seen the way you and our dear supreme have been skulking around. Are you coming back or not?”

You didn’t want to tell them the truth, knowing if you did then Cordelia was sure to find out about it. You didn’t know what would hurt worse, knowing you left and didn’t give her a chance to fix it, or her finding out and doing nothing. But these were your friends, and despite wanting to have control over the situation, wanting to have the chance to break your own heart, you couldn’t lie to them. “I don’t know.” You finally said, “I don’t think so.”

Madison stared at Zoe with a raised brow, the two having a seemingly silent conversation over your head, but Zoe simply nodded and smiled at you, “Ok, that’s all we needed to know.”

They helped you pack, spent every meal with you, and even slept in your room, wanting to see you as much as possible before you left. It was a little strange to you, but you didn’t necessarily mind it, especially once you realized that the more time they spent with you, the less time they had to talk to Cordelia. They planned a movie night send off for you, gathering all the girls in the living room and handing out popcorn and snacks. After the first movie, you went to the kitchen to grab a glass of water, Madison calling out for you.

“I left a twelve pack of coke in the greenhouse,” She yelled, “Can you go grab it? We’re almost out and I’m too lazy to get up.”

You rolled your eyes but complied, shaking your head as you wandered out toward the greenhouse, smiling to yourself for the first time in weeks. With the way the day had gone, it had almost made you feel guilty for leaving, almost made you change your mind, but the second you stepped through the greenhouse door, a familiar pair of eyes reminded you exactly why you were going.

When she glanced up at your smiling face you swore you saw a flash of happiness, but it was gone in a moment, replaced with that same look that had been haunting you for weeks, like you were intruding on something, but you still hadn’t figured out what. You felt your cheeks catch fire as you cleared your throat, not wanting to make this any more uncomfortable than it had to be, “Sorry, I just need to grab something, and I’ll be out of your hair.”

Cordelia nodded, eyebrows furrowing as she glanced back down, and you felt your nerves prickle beneath your skin, anger swirling in your gut at her display of confusion, like she was clueless.

Still, you didn’t want to cause a scene, didn’t need the added weight to carry with you, so you bit your tongue, heading towards the opposite side of the greenhouse once you spotted the red cardboard. You walked back towards the door with your head down, trying to leave the situation as quickly as possible, hand on the knob and pulling, only for the door to not budge, smacking your head on the glass. You stepped back, grabbing the knob and tugging again, but the door still wouldn’t move. You stood there awkwardly for a moment, not wanting to ask for help with something as simple as opening a door, but when you heard the blades of grass shuffle and the hushed whispers, you audibly groaned.

Cordelia glanced up, but only momentarily, “Is there something wrong?”

You sighed, “The door won’t open.”

You glanced back right as Cordelia looked up, her tone airy in that slight tell of annoyance, “Just open it.”

You glared back at her, “You try it then.”

She shook her head, “Just unlock it.”

“I can’t.” You huffed, crossing your arms and tapping your foot.

Cordelia sighed, “I meant…”

“I know what you meant.” You shot back, obviously annoyed. You were doing your best to keep it together, to act cordial, but it was difficult when Cordelia was treating you like a first-year student. “I can’t. My powers have been…” You explained, biting down on a sigh, “Temperamental, lately.”

That seemed to peak the supreme’s interest, her head tilting as she took a step towards you, “Temperamental as in you’re going to rip the door off its hinges?”

You huffed, choosing to stare anywhere else that wasn’t her, “Temperamental as in they don’t work.”

You didn’t think much of it when you heard her start to walk closer, knowing she wanted this conversation to be over just as badly as you did and was probably looking for a way to get you out of there. You didn’t expect to feel her cold fingertips graze your stomach, finding the hem of your shirt and tugging up as you whipped your head towards her, instantly batting her hands away. She glared at you, reaching for the hem once again with one hand, “We might not have gotten all the silver out.”

You grabbed her wrist, halting her movements, and glared back, “I seriously doubt that’s the issue.”

She sighed, pulling her wrist from your hand as she stood up straight, and you swear you saw her roll her eyes, walking towards the locked door and focusing. You could hear the lock click, but when Cordelia went to turn the knob, it wouldn’t move. She tried again, jiggling the knob in case it was stuck, but it still wouldn’t budge, so she resorted to yanking, only to hear Madison call out, “We enchanted the locks, bitch!”

Cordelia stood there for a moment, dumbfounded, before you heard her also groan, and you couldn’t help but snicker at her frustration, at realizing what you had already known. She turned briefly towards the sound, before sighing and returning to her workstation and resuming whatever she was doing.

At some point, you started pacing the length of the room, arms crossed as you waited for the girls to give up, knowing they likely were standing outside and listening to the whole thing. You didn’t know how long it went on for, but your patience was growing thin and your steps were becoming firm, stomping back and forth, back and forth.

“What are you doing?” Cordelia finally sighed, glancing up with her jaw pitched forward, another tell of annoyance.

“Contemplating murder.” You sassed, Cordelia shaking her head as she tried to focus.

“Could you stop?” She asked in that same airy tone, “You’re distracting.”

You chuckled darkly, “What are you going to do? Knock me out again?”

She rested her hands on the table, her face unimpressed and her tone painfully even, “You needed the rest.”

Another snide laugh fell from your lips as you turned on your heel, still pacing as you mumbled, “Don’t tell me what I fucking needed.”

“You were seriously injured…” Cordelia sighed, like she was scolding a child.

You whipped back towards her, eyes blazing as you bit, “I needed you.”

“I was there.” Cordelia said, shaking her head for what felt like the millionth time.

“No, you weren’t.” You shot back as the supreme sighed.

“I’m sorry if I offended you or hurt you…” She began, but you couldn’t stand to hear it.

“Don’t give me that bullshit, Cordelia.” You interjected, Cordelia throwing up her hands.

“What do you want me to say?” She asked, like you were being unreasonable.

You stood your ground, digging your heels in as you fired back, “Something that doesn’t sound like you’re reading from a script would be nice.”

“I’m not!” She yelled, throwing her head back as you resumed pacing once again, trying desperately to keep yourself in check so you wouldn’t explode.

She watched you pace, back and forth, back and forth, waiting for what she knew was coming, what she couldn’t avoid. It took you longer than she expected, a million questions pilling up on the tip of your tongue, one after the other until they all started to slide out like an avalanche.

“Are you still pissed off at me? Is that what this is?”

“No, I’m not.”

You turned on your heel, staring at her once again, your tone exasperated and snappy, “Then what the hell is it? Because you can barely stand to look at me.”

“I am looking at you.”

“No, you aren’t.” You shot back, “You haven’t for weeks, you haven’t talked to me…”

Cordelia sighed, asking again, “What do you want me to say?”

“Something.” You spit out, your volume increasing, “Anything!”

You stared at her for a moment, waiting, but she just stared back, mouth gaping like she couldn’t even begin to fathom how you both got into this situation. You turned away again, biting down on a scream of frustration and resisting the urge to bang your head against the wall until you knocked yourself out. You didn’t know if you wanted to burn the place down or burst into tears, but you could feel the pressure building in your chest, and you were terrified of the outcome. The words fell out of your mouth before you had the time to register them, “Is it because I failed?”

You could hear the confusion in her tone, “What?”

You swallowed down the tears that threatened to fall, cursing yourself as you turned to face her, “I failed. You taught me how to deal with witch hunters. We went over it time and time again, and I still couldn’t…”

She couldn’t stand the sight of your watery eyes, training her gaze on the table as she croaked out, “No, god no…”

“Then what is it?” You asked again, whatever fight you had left in you disappearing, “Because I’ve been wracking my brain for weeks now, looking for some kind of reason...”

You watched her crack, just a bit, nose twitching against the ghost of tears as she shook her head and stuttered, “It’s not your fault, none of it is your fault. It’s…”

She stopped and shook her head, bracing herself on the desk as her chest heaved. You gave her a moment, not wanting to screw anything up when you were so close to getting the answers you had been searching so desperately for, but when she didn’t move to continue, you prompted her, “It’s?”

She looked up at you then, really looked at you, with tears in her eyes, moments away from spilling over, and you stepped toward her on instinct. She looked back down, clearing her throat as she tried to right herself, “It’s not your fault, it’s mine.”

You stepped toward her again, not sure you heard her right, “What?”

“It’s my fault you got hurt.” She clarified, and you shook your head, unable to speak, but she silenced you regardless, “I took the car, I made you walk home. I wasn’t thinking clearly, and you had to pay the price.” You shook your head, still unable to find your voice, but then you heard hers, weak and broken, “And I can’t ever express to you how sorry I am for that.”

“You didn’t know…” You squeaked, “You couldn’t know…”

She shook her head, “It doesn’t matter. It’s my job to protect my girls, all my girls, and I failed. I failed to protect you.”

“You- You saved me.” You stuttered, and the supreme shook her head.

“I fixed the damage I caused.” She sneered, but you knew her tone wasn’t directed at you.

“Delia...” You tried, taking another step towards her, but she held out her hand.

“If I can’t prioritize the safety of the girls over my own emotions, I’m no better than my mother.” She spit between gritted teeth, looking away to wipe at a tear once she saw your hurt expression.

You shook your head, “You could never be your mother.”

She shook her head, but didn’t respond, so you stepped forward, closing the gap between you and reaching for her, but she pushed you away, and that’s when it hit you.

She wasn’t trying to hurt you, she wasn’t punishing you, she was punishing herself. All this time you had been flipping your brain inside out, trying to find the meaning behind every look, every blank expression. But she wasn’t looking at you in disgust, she was in pain.

But the way she was looking at you now, you knew that look, had seen it time and time again, when she wanted something but couldn’t bring herself to ask for it, so you did. “Delia? Kiss me? Please?”

The look morphed as her brows pinched together, her eyes going dim as she shook her head. You begged and pleaded, wanting nothing more than for that look to return, for her to touch you and hold you and for everything to be ok again, but she wouldn’t relent. As soon as you started pleading, she stepped back and looked away, unable to bear the sight of you.

Something finally snapped, and everything you had been pushing away for the past month came rushing in like a tidal wave. You felt it buzzing in your chest, creeping up and up and up, spreading out to your limbs and making your entire body burn. You stalked towards the door, tugging on it again and again and again, bracing your feet on the walls and putting your whole body weight behind it. You looked ridiculous, but you didn’t care, you couldn’t care.

At some point, Cordelia must have turned around, watching you struggle for a moment before she finally spoke, “It won’t open.”

“I don’t care.” You seethed, “It needs to.”

You settled for sitting on the ground, bracing yourself against a table and kicking with your feet, “You’re going to hurt yourself.”

“I. Don’t. Care.” You spat, punctuating each word with a kick. When that didn’t seem to work, you settled for throwing your entire body against the door, hoping if you couldn’t break the lock, then you could at least crack the doorframe.

“You are still healing.” Cordelia said, walking towards you and reaching, but you batted her away, “You shouldn’t be doing any strenuous activity for at least another two weeks.”

You finally stopped, your body vibrating as you stared Cordelia down, “I don’t care. I have a plane to catch tomorrow.” Her brow furrowed, and you turned back towards the door, banging on it with your fists, “I have things to do!”

“Where are you going?” Cordelia asked, arms crossing.

You turned back towards her, throwing up your hands, “Home, Cordelia. Where else would I go?”

You watched her face contort, watched the hurt flash across her eyes, and you couldn’t stand it, “Don’t look at me like that.”

Cordelia scoffed, beginning to grow defensive, “Didn’t you want me to look at you?”

“Not like that.” You bit, “You don’t get to look at me like that, like I’m hurting you. Not after what you did.”

“According to you, I didn’t do anything.” She snapped, and you knew she was baiting you now.

“Exactly. You did nothing.” You spit between gritted teeth, whipping around and punching the door as hard as you could.

“You’re bleeding.” Cordelia stated, staring at the smear of blood on the door, then glancing at your busted knuckles.

“Good.” You bit, punching the door again, and a third time for good measure.

“Stop.” She called out sternly, but you were too far gone to listen, hitting, scratching, clawing, and kicking the door repeatedly as you lost it completely, “Stop!”

“I need to get out of here.” You huffed, “I need to go home.”

Your face smacked against the door as you slammed against it with your shoulder, tasting blood as you swallowed down the tears that were forming. Memories ripped through your mind in quick succession, a blow to your face, a kick to your ribs, and then the room constricted in time with your lungs, the walls moving closer, and closer.

You started screaming at some point, you felt it, but you could barely make it out in between the gaps in your heartbeat that was pulsing in your ears. You threw yourself against the door, harder and harder as the tears flowed in lava rivers down your face. Cordelia reached for you, shushing you and grabbing the empty space as you pulled away, screaming about home, how you needed to go home, get on a plane and never come back. How she hurt you and she didn’t care, she never cared, how all of this was a mistake, how you were a mistake.

You felt her hands grab you quickly, spinning you around before you could push her away, and then her lips were on yours and she was kissing you hard, hands pushing and pulling and grabbing anywhere they could reach, leading you away from the door and bumping into anything in your path. She kissed you like she was starving, teeth clashing and biting, nails scratching and pinching and ripping, but you were the same, and now that you had her, you couldn’t let her go. You let every part of her invade your senses, her wet cheeks pressing against your own, her gritty hands and cold rings and the taste of red wine on her tongue.

You didn’t come up for air until she pushed you against the opposite wall, lungs burning and desperate for oxygen, but even as she pulled back, you leaned forward, not wanting to face whatever came next. Your chests heaved into one another as you both stared wide eyed, and in that split second of nothing it all came crashing down. You watched her, watched her watch you, felt her chest push against you and a sob tear out of her throat, and you followed right behind her, closing your eyes as you braced for her to pull away, leaving you cold and empty once again.

Instead, she rested her forehead against yours, whimpering I’m sorry, I’m so sorry and I love you over and over and over again as she pressed her mouth to yours, pushing air into your lungs and sucking it right back out, her hands on your forearms, anchoring you in place. You held onto her hair like a lifeline, your legs giving out from exhaustion and suddenly you both were falling, but she didn’t let go.

You landed on your knees and collapsed into her, her arms wrapping around you as she pulled you to her chest, her lips pressed to your forehead and fingers carding through your hair as she whispered that same mantra, over and over and over again. You didn’t know what she was doing, didn’t know if she knew what she was doing, but with every pull of her fingers it felt like your memories of the past month were being extracted one by one, racing across your vision as the tears gave way to wails of anguish, her own cries increasing in time with yours. You felt it all over again, every ounce of emotion like it was the first time, and you didn’t know how she was doing it, or why.

When it was over, you had nothing left, no tears, no voice, no screams, nothing. You looked up at Cordelia in a daze, but she just smiled sadly back at you. You tried to speak, but your brain was fried, exhaustion quickly taking over your senses. Cordelia looked down at you knowingly, her fingers running down your cheeks as she shushed you, but you shook your head, afraid that if you gave in, you would wake up alone. She shushed you once more, kissing your forehead as she whispered, “I’m not going anywhere, it’s ok.”

#sarah paulson #ahs #cordelia foxx #cordelia goode #sarah paulson x reader #cordelia foxx x reader

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