#Confession 136

[star-trek-fandom-confessions]

Confession #136

"I don't like Kirstie Alley as Saavik. To me, she doesn't look convincing as a Vulcan at all, more like a regular eighties era human with fake pointy ears."

[selfship-vent-confessions]

i got into something new and have two crushes from it and i feel so guilty about it… one of them is involved in a really popular canon x canon ship so i guess i feel greedy or undeserving because i want to ship with her *and* another character. but screw that!!! i do what i want and they are both sooo in love with me for real<3

-

[rededgecitycouncil]

I wouldn't mind being the platter Alexa ate off of - @whitealexxa

[starnovana]

Sorry but what does it mean "this here , could you keep it for me "

[jttwconfessions]

Honestly, I feel like the Lmk Fandom (Not everyone in it) is slowly transcending into the toxic side of for example the mha (My Hero Academia) fandom. It’s crazy how much hate there is in this fandom. You talk about a ship or a character (excluding proships, etc.) you like and there’s ALWAYS someone that criticizes you. Like for example you like Peng and just do an appreciation post about them and boom! You have a Macaque ‘Defender’ saying something like “But look what they did to Macaque!”. As stated, you cannot like a character or a ship without getting criticized about it. It’s sad, really.

[madame-fear]

˗ˏˋ 𝐅𝐋𝐔𝐅𝐅 + 𝐒𝐌𝐔𝐓 | 𝐏𝐑𝐎𝐌𝐏𝐓𝐒 𝐏𝐓. 𝟐 ˎˊ˗

ೀ amira speaks! : part two of my fluff + smut prompt lists for requests, check them out here! requests are currently closed. remember to specify who says what to who when requesting! 彡 last updated : 08/03/2024 — ♡

116. (character) is talking to someone about you. they try to hide how they feel about you, but it’s quite obvious. “I like them a normal amount.” character says, “we get along, we’re just friends.” “and you’re a friend... who stares at them smiling to yourself like an idiot?” “shut up, you know nothing.”

117. lazy morning kisses and cuddles.

118. “so wet already? I barely even touched you. You must be quite needy.” (smut)

119. “Can I touch you over here?” (smut)

120. “Do you like it like this? Or should I go slower?” (smut)

121. “You’re blushing, that’s cute.” “Shut up, stupid.” (specify who says this to who)

122. “Can I please hold your hand?”

123. “You’ll have to beg for that.” (smut, specify scenario if possible)

124. “Please, if you could stay with me for the night, I would be grateful. I need you.”

125. (character)’s friends discreetly playing matchmaking by placing both of you in places where you can be alone together. You’re both oblivious to your mutual pining, so at one point they force (character) to ask you out for once and for all.

126. “They gave us... One bed?” “Don’t pretend you don’t like it.” (could end in smut, or simply fluffy teasing)

127. “I think I might be dying... These may be my last words.” “It’s a small fever. If you don’t quit whining, the only thing killing you today will be my bare hands around your neck.”

128. “Touch yourself for me.” (smut)

129. “Your breasts are cold. Can I warm them with my hands?” “No.” “Pleeeeeeaseeeeee?” “Fine, but stop staring at my with those sad puppy eyes.” (smut)

130. Pillowfighting with (character). (Character) is better at it than you, but when you complain about it, they let you win because they genuinely feel bad.

131. Drunken love confessions to you.

132. Same as 131, but with you being drunk and confessing your love to (character).

133. “Don’t you like being all marked by me? Look at you, everyone will know you’re mine.” (smut)

134. “Someone might see us!” “Isn’t that the fun of it, love?” (smut)

135. “You are one pretty little whore. My pretty little whore.” (smut)

136. (character) gently removing your hands from your very flustered face after you give each other your first kiss, finding them smiling to themselves at how adorable you are.

137. “Who hurt you? I’ll get my revenge on them.”

138. “I could warm you up... From the inside.” (smut)

139. character introduces you to someone. “this is my girlfriend/wife!” (specify). you turn to them in confusion, becoming flustered. “yeah... your girlfriend/wife.”

140. “Stop stealing the blankets!” “Gods you’re so oblivious- I want you to come closer and cuddle me to seek warmth!”

141. “Why should I look up at the stars, when you have a whole constellation in your pretty eyes?” (so cheesy, woops)

142. “How come you were in love with me all this time?!” “I THOUGHT I HAD BEEN OBVIOUS ENOUGH ALREADY!”

143. “Look elsewhere, and I stop.” (smut)

144. “You have such a pretty, delicate little mouth. You surely take my cock so well.” (smut)

145. (character) lifting you from the floor, taking you in their arms, and happily swriling you around the place after not seeing each other for quite some time.

146. “We should film this.” (smut)

147. “Go fuck yourself.” “Only if you watch.” (could be smut or not, specify!)

[daengtokki]

𝐿𝒶𝓈𝓉 𝒟𝒶𝓉𝑒

Kim Seungmin/Female Reader

wc: 11k

rating: mature/explicit ಇ

comments: thanks everyone for the likes and reblogs and feedback! (´︶`) knowing someone is enjoying my fics makes writing seungmin so much easier. technically this is the last part, but not really...

⋆｡ ﾟ☾ ﾟ｡ ⋆ ⋆｡ ﾟ｡ ⋆

→ Blind Date

→ Second Date

→ Third Date

Part 4 of 4

Seungmin goes quiet after that, relaxes against the arm of the couch. You’re on the opposite side, doing the same. You watch each other carefully , but nobody makes a move, and nobody starts to speak.

You wonder if there was something you could have done to avoid all of this drama. Four and a half months of wondering; of being so down you can barely make it to work some days. Both of you have been really bad at this.

“Yes, I know it’s complicated.”

-

Counting the days and weeks until Seungmin comes back to you has been excruciating, sometimes anxiety inducing, and the only thing really keeping you together.

As of today it’s been 136 days since you spent the night with him. Twenty weeks, almost, since you looked at him face to face—touched him, kissed him, desperately wanted to confess how you’ve already fallen for him, and you never want to leave his side again.

But he did text you three days ago.

A part of you feels like giving up, because maybe this has gone on for far too long.

It’s nothing that Seungmin has done. He hasn’t said anything to you about things likely not working out. He talks to you in the same sweet, cheery way he always has when he actually has time to text, or call. You don’t resent him for his lack of communication, ever, because you know his lifestyle is worlds away from yours.

But the part of you that’s crazy about him sits and thinks: he can call for a five minute conversation, ask me how I am before I completely fall apart. You think…why hasn’t he messaged back? It takes a few seconds.

You hate having these thoughts. But you’re only human, and you have so much empty time to think about him.

It’s just not the same for him. It might never be the same for him.

Right now you’re staring out of your classroom window, completely lost in thought. The kids are working quietly, and it’s honestly the first time all day where you’ve been truly alone in your head.

There’s a loud knock on the door, and it makes you, and your students, jump.

“Come in…”

The door opens slowly, and the face that peeks through the door is a familiar one.

“Hey,” Choonhee waits a moment, then enters and closes the door behind her. She grabs a chair and finds a spot to sit directly in front of, across your desk.

“Hi, what’s up?”

“I’m on my way out, but I wanted to see you before I left. I keep missing you, and you’re not answering my messages.” The look she gives you is a little bit questioning, and a little bit irritated.

“Sorry, I’ve just had a lot on my mind. I’m trying to get out of this slump.”

“Slump? The same one you’ve been in for the last…” she gestures vaguely at nothing, “month? Maybe longer, I don’t know.”

“Yeah,” you manage, but it comes out shaky. You feel your throat tighten, and the air is pushed out of your lungs. Your eyes sting with tears. You can’t do this here.

“Hey hey, I’m sorry.” Choonhee starts to stand, “go pull yourself together, I’ll watch the class.”

You inhale deeply and make your way to the restroom. Luckily you have it to yourself, because when you catch sight of yourself in the mirror, tears are starting to stream down your cheeks. The result of bottling up until you explode.

Talking to Choonhee about this was always an option, but you haven’t. For some reason, you didn’t want her know how deep the cut is that Seungmin has made in you.

Her blind date was probably never supposed to turn into this; something serious, something you want, maybe more than anything you’ve ever wanted. You feel stupid and childish about it, because you know who he is. Sometimes you have to remind yourself that it was him that initiated date number two, and three, sort of, otherwise you’ll convince yourself you somehow forced him into all of this.

It takes far too long for you to finish crying and clean yourself up, but she’s still sitting there waiting when you return.

“I’ll be over tonight, and we’re going to talk it out. Okay?” She says.

You nod, eyes still red, makeup probably giving you two black eyes.

“I have to get going, I’ll see you later. Your phone went off while you were in the bathroom.”

You watch her as she walks out, then look to your students. In a few minutes, they’ll be dismissed. And you can go home and finish the crying that you’ve started.

First, you sit and poke the screen of your phone. It’s just a text message.

No, it’s not just a text message. It’s Seungmin. Choonhee probably looked, but all she would’ve seen is the contact name for him; SM.

Weeks ago, you almost changed it to Minnie, but you didn’t. The impersonal, secretive SM remained. You unlock your phone and open it.

I hope you had a good day. You’re just leaving work, I think…if I have my time right

And just like that, he pulls you back up, and back in. He says the right thing at just the right time. Although today, he he did miss it by a few minutes.

Now you battle with whether or not you text him back immediately, or wait until you get home. Neither feels like the right thing to do. You stare down at the message until it’s time for you to dismiss your class, thinking of what to say to him.

It’s personal. He took note of the time, and remembered when it is you usually leave.

Part of you feels like crying again, but your heart is fluttering. You hate this.

———

“I got your favorite!” Choonhee starts unloading the bag of food she brought with her. “Don’t look so defeated over there.”

She let herself in while you sat folded up on the couch. You’re still looking at your phone, trying to figure out what to say to him. Should you keep it casual and tell him your day was alright? Lie?

No, you could tell him the truth; that it was a rough day, and you’ve had a lot of days like this lately because you haven’t seen him in such a long time. But you have no idea how he’d react to that. Maybe he would feel guilty about not texting more, or feel bad because he’s been too busy to see you when he is in Seoul.

Or maybe he would feel overwhelmed by it, and decide enough was enough.

Seungmin—the Seungmin you know, at least, has always come off very laidback. Open when he needed to be, but not overly so. He’s a little bit reserved, but so many moments with him have been…cute.

And Chicago. It’s been so long since Chicago—long enough that the memory is fading a little. You have to think back on it and keep yourself there, in that moment, to remember all the detail. It’s all still there, in your head.

Finally, you start to type.

“Hi Minnie. I had a rough day today…I hope I get to see you again soon.”

You stare at it until Choonhee clears her throat in an attempt to get your attention.

You read it once more, then send it.

“Okay, dinner is served. Eat and tell me what’s been bothering you.”

You set your phone face down on the table and take a few bites before getting into it. Starting the conversation will be the most difficult.

So you just start.

“This is a little bit my fault, isn’t it?” Choonhee listened quietly, but you could tell she wasn’t expecting this to be about him. “I pushed this on you. I knew he spoke to you back in…June? I think it was June. But I didn’t know you saw each other again after the first date.”

“Yeah, there was a second date. And a third. And, well…ya know.”

Her eyebrows raise, “what? Fourth, fifth?”

“No, we slept together.”

She’s silent for a long moment, but her eyes remain fixed on you.

“When I went home in July. Remember?”

She’s still silent.

“I haven’t seen him since then.”

“Seungmin doesn’t like opening up to people. He doesn’t do that. Or he didn’t, at least. Are you sure you didn’t just…dream it?”

“Yeah, I’m pretty sure I didn’t dream about having sex with him and then convince myself it really happened.”

Choonhee throws her hands up and waves your remark away, “okay I’m sorry, I’m just…surprised. I mean, even the multiple dates is a little surprising.”

“Then why did you even set us up?”

She shrugs, and then struggles to find the right words, “I don’t know…you were both here, and alone. I didn’t want you to spend the holiday by yourself. I thought you’d like him…I guess I was right. I’m not usually good with matches.

“So…are you saying I should just move on?”

“No, absolutely not! Text him right now, and tell him you want to see him when he gets home. He doesn’t get to fuck and run. I don’t care who he is.”

She goes quiet for a few seconds, but you can tell she’s frustrated and deep in thought. “I knew you’d like him. I’m sorry, I made this mess. If he doesn’t get himself together and talk to you like he should, I’ll go find him myself.”

———

By the time your text message gets to Seungmin, he’s home, undressed, and about to hop into a very hot shower. He smiles when he reads Minnie, because in the far too few messages exchanged, you’ve mostly called him Seungmin. His smile fades when he reads the rest.

He knows he’s been bad at this. Not just bad, actually—he’s been pathetic. He’s ghosted you, and strung you along for weeks.

No, he thinks. It’s been months of sporadic texting. Every time he was home, or close to home, he ignored you. Not maliciously, of course, and ignored is a strong word. He messaged you, but it really was the bare minimum. Especially after the last time you were together; you gave yourself to him, and Seungmin took all that he could.

Now he can’t admit to you how much it scared him.

He sets his phone down for now, and climbs into the shower—because once again, his mind, body, and everything in between is tired.

He’s so tired, he feels like he could cry. Maybe if he just let go, let himself wrap around someone and cry into their chest, he would feel better.

———

“When did he text you last?” Choonhee is cleaning up the table, throwing things into the sink, and generally doing a terrible job of tidying. But she means well, and you let her at it. “Has it been a while?”

“Three days ago, before today. He sent a message while you were in my classroom earlier.”

“Oh, is that who the buzz was? Did you answer back? Maybe you should just make him wait around.”

“I replied right before we ate, only because it took me a while to figure out what to say.”

You’re back on the couch now, phone in hand, eyes staring at the stagnant message thread. Figuring out his schedule is tough sometimes, and you try (and usually fail) to stay off of Twitter and fan sites. Right now you’re sifting through them, though—looking for anything new.

You pull up a few airport photos from earlier today. Seungmin is hidden behind a mask and a hat, but you can see his eyes. He looks tired.

It makes your heart sink. You return to your message thread again and read through the last few texts; they feel more and more impersonal as time goes on, and that makes your heart sink, too.

Maybe he is pulling away from you.

“I know saying this won’t help, but do not let this take over. Don’t let him get into your head like this.”

“It’s too late for that.”

Choonhee grabs your arm and shakes it furiously, “he’s just a guy!”

———

Seungmin is flat on his back, covers fluffed up all around him, a pillow under his head, another under his feet. No matter what he does, he’s uncomfortable. He desperately wants and needs to fall asleep, but it’s alluding him. His brain won’t shut up.

The room is chilly, and that’s usually what does the trick. Cold room, warm bed, and he’s out like a light.

He picks up his phone and reads your text again.

Hi Minnie. I had a rough day today…I hope I get to see you again soon.

If only he could figure out what to say back to you. There are so many things he wants to say, and so few ways he can think of to type it out.

Even if he were to see you face to face, he’d be lost for words. Seungmin is not one to let people in, but he has already let you in.

And now he’s stupidly pushing you away.

He pulls up a photo of you and stares at it. This wasn’t the way he planned on relaxing, but his hand is finding it’s way under his shirt anyway, touching his stomach, slowly moving downward until reaches the waistband of his sweatpants.

Thinking of your one night together, somehow still vivid in his head after all this time, is enough to get him hard. And looking at you…he runs his hand down the length of his cock, grabs tight, and strokes himself slowly. The breath he lets out is shaky. He has to be quiet.

———

“Is he?” You look at her, only slightly defeated. “…just a guy?”

“You slept with him, you should know.”

“He’s not.”

The look she gives you is almost enough to make you rethink what you just said.

“I promise you, beneath everything, he’s like any other guy you’ve dated who got too close, freaked out, and disappeared.”

You shake your head. Then your phone buzzes in your hand, and the feeling makes your heart jump to your throat, and your stomach sink all at once. You don’t immediately move your eyes to the screen—you can’t.

“Was that him?”

Now you look. SM. You nod.

you still want to see me?

You will see him again, and you’ll tell him exactly how you feel.

“What did he say?”

You turn your phone so Choonhee can read the message. She rolls her eyes.

“He sounds like a guy. I’m sorry I got you into this…but, you are going to see him again I assume.”

“Yeah, of course.”

———

It’s not until you’re in bed, hours later, that you open his text in an attempt to answer. But it might be better to do this in the morning, because sending one and waiting for his reply is going to keep you up all night.

You stare anyway, trying to get your thoughts in order; your words, your feelings. Do you want him to know how you really feel now, or when you have him in front of you? Can you even get the right words out when he’s in front of you?

You open your notes app and begin working on a reply.

You know I want to see you, Seungmin. I’m trying to be patient and understanding, but it’s so hard when you’re on my mind every day. I hope you’re getting some rest, and I hope you’re doing well. And I hope I can see you before you leave again.

You fall asleep writing. And in the morning, there he is again. One text message sent at 5am.

I’m so sorry. I should have made time for you in October, but every time I wanted to ask you, I froze, I don’t know why, I have no excuse

For a moment, you think you accidentally sent the rough draft of your text in your sleep. You didn’t. This was just him, awake before dawn, finally giving you something sincere. Now you have to rethink your reply.

The typing notification pops up while you’re reading over his message again. Still awake at 6:45.

I remember you telling me you wake up at the same time every morning... Good morning

You feel like crying again. But not like yesterday.

“Good morning” is the best you can come up with this early. He’ll have to wait.

———

Seungmin falls asleep, eventually, but not comfortably.

He gets up from bed to clean himself up, change (he’s warm now, so he opts for less clothes), and hopefully he’ll still be a little bit tired by the time he hits the bed again.

At 4:45am, his body decides he’s had enough. Now he’s awake, eyes still closed, bed far too warm. He throws off the blankets and flips onto his back.

Immediately, and not surprisingly, Seungmin’s thoughts turn to you. You’re sleeping soundly, he hopes, unlike him. He imagines you in the bed he’s never seen; curled up, tucked in. Maybe if he was there with you, he could sleep.

Every time he gets back home, he tries to push himself again, and he fails. He did it in October, and then again in September, right before his birthday. He knows he can’t keep doing this to you.

He pulls out his phone and opens your message thread.

…I hope I get to see you again soon

Seungmin stops thinking and just types:

“I’m so sorry. I should have made time for you in October…”

He stops and reads it. October. He was busy with the album release, but if he looks back in his messages again, he can count the number of texts he sent on one hand. You sent just as many…well, one more than him. That last message he didn’t even reply to. You must have been fed up with him and his lack of communication. And you had every right to be.

“…but every time I wanted to ask you, I froze, I don’t know why, I have no excuse.”

This part is true. Seungmin is almost freezing again right now.

“I don’t know how to explain…”

Now he thinks.

“…how all of this is making me feel. Maybe I’m…”

Seungmin backspaces the last sentence before he even finishes it. And then he hits send.

At 6:45, he’s still wide awake. He remembers you telling him your alarm is always set for this time, so he sends one more message.

And you reply. He was right, you were awake. Just a good morning, though. He’s sure it’s far too early for you to deal with his wishy-washy bullshit.

———

When he doesn’t text again by lunch time, you decide he’s waited long enough. And you can’t waste time, really. He might not be in town for long.

“I want to see you, and I will see you. Today, tomorrow, it doesn’t matter. But I need it to be soon. Neither of us are allowed to be nervous anymore.”

It’s better, you decide, than whatever you wrote last night.

He’s silent as you drift through the rest of the school day (you assume he’s having trouble thinking of a reply to that), and right as the class is gathering their things and leaving, another teacher sneaks in and approaches you. Then you realize it’s not a teacher, but you recognize her. She’s a secretary you’ve spoken to a few times before.

She nods to you and smiles. “I know you’re on your way out, but there’s a visitor for you, a parent who insisted I bring them right to you. It seemed important.”

You have very specific times for parent/teacher visits, and this is not one of them. And there is nobody else who would visit you. You’re confused. “Okay, send them in…I guess.”

You look down at your phone—you doubt it, but maybe you missed a text message or a call. No, nothing.

“Hello.”

The way his voice floats over to you almost knocks you out, and when you turn to meet his eyes, your throat refuses to let you release the air in your lungs.

“Your last text was very insistent. I know this probably is not the best approach…but I haven’t been doing a very good job of anything lately.”

Still you just stare at him, lost for words. You look around your classroom, then down at yourself. This is not how you wanted to see him again, but do you have any room to complain?

He takes a few steps toward you, “was this a bad idea?”

You manage to shake your head and swallow. And then you realize your legs still work, with some effort. Two steps later, your arms wrap around his waist, your face disappears in his sweatshirt, and you squeeze.

His tiny, relieved laugh is music to your ears, and then his hands slide across your back until he’s fully embraced you.

You keep him there for a long time, and he doesn’t protest or try to pull you away. When he does speak again, it’s a question.

“How was your day?”

You slowly release him, but making eye contact is a bit of a challenge. “It’s better now.” So you fall apart when he does show up; no strong words, no looks of disbelief at his absence. You knew this would happen.

“Where can I take you? Home? Or…anywhere you want.”

“Home is good.”

“Okay, there’s a ride waiting for us.” He moves his hands up and over your shoulders, and he rests them on either side of your neck. “I understand if you’re angry with me, and if you stay that way.”

“I am. I don’t want to be.”

Seungmin leans closer, and he moves painfully slow, but eventually he makes it to your mouth. His kiss is light and short, but he keeps going back to peck at your lips, over and over, until you open up and hold him there.

Finally, clear memories of Chicago fill you up. His scent and his touch pull you right back, and you hope he remembers it like you do.

———

It feels like your first date. A quiet car ride, a slow ride up the elevator, an awkward, unsure walk down the hallway to your apartment door. Then walking into your messy living room.

“Are you hungry? I can order something for us,” he says as he’s carefully removing his shoes. “And we can talk while we wait.”

“Yeah, that’s a good idea. I’ll make some coffee.”

Seungmin doesn’t follow you to the kitchen, like he’s done a few times before. Instead, he sits on the couch, situating himself so he can still see you.

You try not to look at him as you work, but you fail, several times. He smiles every time your eyes meet, but it’s a sad smile. It’s not one you’re used to seeing.

“No small talk,” you tell him as you hand him his coffee. “I’ll lose my mind.”

“No small talk.” He nods.

“Where have you been?” You start, staring down at your mug. “Not physically, I know that already. I mean…in every other way.”

“Uhm—“ Seungmin thinks. His face twists a little, probably in confusion. “Where have I…”

“Mentally,” you can’t take your eyes off of him now. “Emotionally.”

“Oh, okay I understand.” He clears his throat, adjusts himself. “It’s been hard to keep my thoughts organized lately. It’s not just that I’ve been busy with work…I haven’t been sleeping well.”

“I’m sorry.”

Seungmin shakes his head, “I could’ve fixed it, I’m sure. If I would’ve just talked about things with you a while ago, I probably would have slept easier.”

“I kept you up?”

“Yes. Well, thinking about you. I do think about you, all the time, even if I haven’t kept in touch. But I’ve been over complicating things, I think.”

“Talk to me now. Please.”

You think you can see his cheeks turning pink. His eyes are wide and shiny, but he’s unsure.

“I know, Seungmin…it is hard. It’s been hard for me, and I feel like it’s been a little more difficult for you. I kept everything to myself all this time, up until yesterday.”

He gives you another questioning look.

“Choonhee forced it out of me.”

He nods, sets his coffee down, and swings his legs up on the couch. Something about him making himself more comfortable puts you at ease. You remember him mentioning before that he felt relaxed being here, alone with you. "I don’t feel any pressure here." You hope he still feels that way.

“Tell me what you told her.”

“She did most of the talking.”

“Then what did Choonhee tell you?”

“That you’re just a guy, and I shouldn’t let you get to me like this.”

Seungmin actually nods at that—but he’s not looking you in the eyes now, so maybe he’s just…thinking about it. Or maybe he’s agreeing. You don’t know where this is going yet.

“I am just a guy, she’s right. I don’t want to be just a guy, though. Not to you.”

“Oh…”

“I thought I knew what was going on when we were together in Chicago, and I thought I knew what I wanted. I’ve been thinking all this time that if this couldn’t be a normal, traditional relationship, you would not be happy, not satisfied. And you’d tell me you weren’t interested in me anymore. I thought you would tell me you couldn’t do it.”

You almost interject; tell him that’s never what you expected of him. You wouldn’t never do that. Why didn’t you say that before? Instead, you used the hypothetical “if you weren’t who you are” question on him. You remain quiet, though, hoping he continues.

“…what I’ve been doing isn’t much better than what I’ve been afraid of. But you’re very smart, and I always knew that.”

You just smile at him, waiting for more.

“That’s why you were so worried when you found out who I was. You know this is much more complicated than that.”

Seungmin goes quiet after that, relaxes against the arm of the couch. You’re on the opposite side, doing the same. You watch each other carefully , but nobody makes a move, and nobody starts to speak.

You wonder if there was something you could have done to avoid all of this drama. Four and a half months of wondering; of being so down you can barely make it to work some days. Both of you have been really bad at this.

“Yes, I know it’s complicated.”

He’s biting his lip. Tapping his foot. It’s almost touching you, and you want to stretch your leg out until it does, but right as you tell your brain to do it, his leg slides back. He sits up and leans forward, falls to his knees, and crawls across the couch.

Before you can squeak his name out, he’s straddling you, arms on either side of your waist. And then the full weight of his body is on you. Seungmin sets his head down gently against your chest and relaxes.

You freeze for a few seconds. You have fallen asleep on this couch with him before, but this feels like much more.

He doesn’t say anything, not even when you set your hand on his head—rake your fingers through his hair, wrap your other arm around his shoulders. He sighs, though.

When it feels like you’re drifting off to sleep, he finally speaks. It’s muffled against your shirt.

“You just want me, right?”

“What?”

“Even if nobody is allowed to know. And we can’t go out in public, and I have to pretend you don’t exist.”

“Seungmin, I know that we can’t have a normal relationship. I just want you…and to know that you want me.” You say the last part under your breath.

“I do.”

“You do?”

“Yes. I promise I’ll be better. And that I won’t be afraid to talk to you, and tell you too much.”

“You can tell me whatever you need to.”

“I don’t usually talk much…to anyone.”

It never occurred to you that he didn’t have someone to talk to when he was feeling down, or having a bad day. A bad week. He’s been bottling everything up, just like you have. Maybe for a very long time.

“You can talk to me about your bad days, Minnie, or when you can’t sleep. And about your good days. I would like to be that person.”

“Am I the reason you had a rough day yesterday? Have you had a lot of those?”

“Yeah, I have had a lot of bad days because I missed you.”

“You can tell me about your bad days, too. Even if they were bad because of me.”

“Don’t worry, I will.”

Seungmin laughs, and it shakes your whole body. “Good.”

☾⋆⁺₊⋆

The next morning is almost normal. Your alarm goes off at its regular time—6:45, and you’re tired, which is also normal. The room is chilly, and it’s so warm under the blankets that getting up is nearly impossible. An ordinary morning. The one thing that makes it different is that Seungmin is there when you open your eyes.

The alarm doesn’t even make him stir, but when you finally turn it off, he groans.

“I’m sorry, go back to sleep.”

“Are you going to work?” He asks, eyes closed, voice raspy with sleep.

“No, not today. I found someone to cover for me.”

He smiles and reaches his arm toward you, and he feels blindly around where he thinks you might be. “Why are you so far away?”

You move closer and grab his arm, “I’m right here. Go back to sleep.”

“I’ll try.”

…

Sleep eventually finds both of you again. When you wake back up a few hours later, he’s still there, breathing deeply, melting into your bed. You need to get up, but you wait a little longer. You really don’t want to wake him right now.

When he eventually wakes up on his own, he’ll feel better.

You close your eyes. And again, you fall asleep.

…

Something warm against your forehead wakes you up for a third time. Your eyes open and all you see is skin; Seungmin’s neck, his shoulder. The collar of his shirt is loose enough that you can see the start of his chest.

You pull him closer and push your face into him. He smells good. He smells like sleep and sweat and whatever leftover cologne is still stuck to him from yesterday.

Part of you still wants to keep your guard up. He’ll be gone soon, and then you’ll have to wait and see if his confidence and trust in you remains, and if he’ll really feel comfortable telling you the things he doesn’t tell anyone else.

“I can start,” you say, face still in his chest. You move up toward his neck and set your lips against his skin.

“Start what?”

“After we were together last, in Chicago, and we didn’t…use a condom. I did get a morning after pill, and I took it.”

He pulls you away so he can look at you.

“My period came really late after that, so I thought it didn’t work. And I was really scared. But I didn’t tell anyone. I didn’t tell you because we hadn’t talked very much that week, and you didn’t need that on your mind anyway.”

“I’m sorry you had to deal with that alone.”

“Everything turned out okay.”

“You can talk to me any time you need to, even if I’ve been quiet.”

You nod, and you really want to believe him.

“Too soon for babies.” He whispers, just loud enough for you to hear him. He has a little smirk on his face, but he’s avoiding eye contact and staring at the little bit of space between you.

“You want them?”

“Hm?” Now he makes eye contact, and his ears are slowly turning red. “Uhm…yes, I always have. Do you?”

Having kids isn’t something you’ve thought about much (aside from the scare you had in July), because you haven’t met anyone you would want to have kids with. Well, until now, because looking at Seungmin and the sweet smile on his face is making you want them immediately. But you know that’s not possible for him.

“With the right person, yeah.”

“I’m sure someday I’ll be able to do that. Have the time to be there, for both of them. You and baby. I couldn’t be gone all the time and leave you alone.”

He stops for a second. You wonder if he’s even hearing himself speak.

“…Seungmin?”

“It was my turn to tell you something personal.” He brings his hands up to his face and rubs his cheeks, then his eyes. “Just in case I’m the right person.”

The conversation feels like too much, too soon. But you like it. He’s only been open with you like this once before: on your second date, when he admitted to being worried you’d like his friends more than him. You thought that was silly then, and now…you’re not sure you could like anyone more than Seungmin.

“…and if I’m your right person.”

Seungmin smiles and hides his face in the pillow.

———

As the day goes on, you wonder how long he’ll be here with you. Every time he looks at a message on his phone, you assume that will be his cue to get going—to start saying goodbye. But he’s still here, and he seems content.

It was his idea to stay, and he insisted on making breakfast.

“What do you normally do on your days off?” is what he asked as you sat and ate.

So it’s been a regular day off, aside from the fact that Seungmin is also here with you…eating, cleaning, sorting laundry, watching tv, and eventually, catching up with schoolwork.

He sits down next to you on the couch when you open your binder and pull out a stack of papers. He watches quietly as you shuffle though them, putting the pages in order before you start to look them over properly.

He picks the next one up before you get to it. “How old are your students again?”

“They are eight…a few are nine.”

“I don’t remember my English classes being this complicated when I was…older than them.”

“You should see their math homework.”

“Oh, I was very good at math!”

“Yeah?” You look at him, give him your full attention. “There’s so much I don’t know about you.”

“Not even what’s on the internet?” Seungmin leans back against the couch, and pulls you with him.

“I’ve read a few things. But I’m sure you’re a lot more complicated than your fun facts.”

“I hope so.” He grabs you around the waist, “what were you good at in school?”

“English…” you laugh. “And I did pretty good in my German class, and history.”

“Do you speak German, too?” He’s holding you tight, head resting on your shoulder.

“No, I’ve forgotten almost all of that.”

“Why did you come here, to Korea?

You turn yourself to look at him, disturbing his resting head. But he keeps his arms around you.

“So close to Samseong-Dong?”

“I felt like I needed to start over after I graduated college, and this seemed like the perfect way to do it. I actually almost went to Japan.”

“Why didn’t you? Where did you go to college?”

“Northwestern University. And I missed a deadline. Luckily, I already had applications submitted to a few different programs here and nearby.”

“And you chose here?”

Seungmin’s hands wander throughout the entire conversation, stopping when they reach just below where the hem of your shirt hits.

“They chose me.”

“That’s very lucky.” They slide underneath and up your back, “maybe we were meant to meet each other.”

“I’m not sure I believe in things like that.” You move yourself closer to him, until your face is inches from his.

“I don’t either, really. Fate, and soulmates. I’ve been called a…uhm, I don’t remember the English word. A negative person.”

“A pessimist?”

“Yes. Maybe sometimes I am, but…not always. I can be positive. I just like to be realistic.”

“A pragmatist.” You lean in and kiss the corner of his mouth.

“Mhm, both of those P words. I did get lucky, though.” He pushes forward, gently coaxing you to your back.

“Was it there before?” You ask. He’s hanging over you, studying your face. “Before Chicago, after I asked if you would date me?“

“Was what there? You mean, did I like you?”

“Yes, but…more than that. Or was it spending the night together?”

“It was before that. That’s why I wanted to spend the night with you.”

You nod, trying hard not to beam up at him. But his hands are on your sides, and his fingertips are moving so delicately over you, you can’t help but smile.

“When was it there for you?”

Your heart starts beating a little faster. You have no answer ready for him except the truth.

“When you gave me Pochacco.”

“On our first date? At the coffee shop?”

You throw your hands over your face and nod, “yeah, at the coffee shop.”

“I felt kind of silly giving him to you, I thought you would think it was silly, too.” He pulls your hands away so he can see your face again.

“It wasn’t.”

“So PuppyM wasn’t silly either?”

“No, I love him. And your denim jacket you left, that’s hanging on my bedpost. I love all of your gifts.”

“Oh, I forgot about that jacket!”Seungmin comes down and settles himself against you, face in your neck, hands wondering more.

“You can have it back, if you want.”

“No, you keep it. But I do need something of yours to keep with me.” His hands slide under your shirt and across your stomach. He tickles your side again, then stops when he reaches your hip.

You’re surprised at his restraint.

“I’m sure I have something for you.” You set your hand over his and slide it up his arm. Then back down.

His fingers twitch and push under your shorts. As ready as you were, and as much as you wanted him to make that move, your breath still catches in your throat.

He props himself up with his other arm and looks at you. His fingers touch lightly over your underwear, taking his time, getting himself where he needs to be.

But you’re not taking your time. And it’s Seungmin touching you, so your body is already on fire. You push your hips up and push his hand harder against you.

His fingers slide up and sneak beneath the fabric. He moves slowly, and he’s watching you carefully, as if you might protest.

But of course you don’t. You grip his arm and slide your hand from his bicep down to his wrist, moving with him as his fingers slip inside of you.

“Am I doing okay?” He leans closer and whispers. He doesn’t wait for an answer before pulling out and sliding back over your clit, making you choke on your answer.

You manage a shaky mhm and Seungmin giggles into your ear. His fingers stay put, making soft circles around you, keeping his touch as delicate as possible. Then he takes them off again, and he pushes back inside.

The reach of is fingers is enough to hit just the right spot, and when you jump from the pressure, he does it again and again until he gets a moan out of you.

You lift your hips into his touch and pull him down for a kiss. Your grip on his arm tightens and he eases up, but barely. His mouth is working its way across your neck now, leaving you free to moan.

“Do you do this a lot?” He says as he nibbles across your ear and cheek. When he gets to your lips, he hangs above you and holds your gaze. His thumb slides over your clit again, like he wanted to remind you of what he was talking about.

“Uhh…hmm?” You slide your hand up and grab a handful of his hair. “Yes.” You laugh and knead your fingertips into his scalp—it makes his eyes roll back. He’s in your neck again, savoring his little massage.

“Do you think about me when you do it?”

His question sends another wave of pleasure through you. His fingers slip inside again, pressing hard. His thumb is on your clit, wet and sliding easily and hitting everywhere you need it to.

There’s hot, heavy breathing in your ear, and a sweet whisper, “do you think about me, hm?”

“Every time,” your climax hits fast, and Seungmin knows he’s succeeded by the way you’re pulling at his hair.

He holds himself up just enough to watch you squirm beneath him. His touch softens even more as you start to relax, and when you stop and stare up at him, he comes down and kisses across your forehead and down the side of your face. He lets you catch your breath before moving to your lips.

“Really?” Seungmin blushes and tries to stifle his laugh in your neck.

You nod slowly, “that was…very good.”

“Thank you.”

“Too good, maybe.”

“I did some research.”

“You did not.” But when you think about it for a second, it does seem like something Seungmin would do. “Did you?”

“Just a little. In case I’d get to try it out on you someday.”

———

Seungmin looks carefully across your desk, touching the books stacked there, the loose sheets of composition paper, the notes and pencils. He sits in your chair and opens the drawer—inside are a few notebooks, all used and full. He shuffles things around a little, searching every inch.

Now he gets up and moves to your bookshelf. It’s more of a trinket shelf, though. Seungmin only runs his eyes over this, until he catches sight of a snow globe. He picks that up and shakes it. Inside is the Chicago skyline.

He stares at it for a long moment, then returns it to his spot. His attention turns to you, on the bed.

You just smile at him. He keeps looking around.

The next stop is your bedside table. You sit up when he sits down on the edge of the bed, run your hand down his back. As soon as he opens it, he whispers an ooh, and reaches inside.

“What did you find?” You laugh.

“Me,” he holds up three photocards with his face on them.

You take them from him and fall back on the bed, “you”, and look deeply at paper Seungmin.

“Hey, I’m right here…” he pushes your hand away and bends down to kiss you. “Real me.”

The next thing pulled from the drawer is a journal. He looks it over, but doesn’t open it.

“That’s you, too.”

Seungmin points to it, and his head tilts, “this is me?”

“Yeah, almost every page.”

His face goes from confusion to understanding, and then it falls a little.

“You should add one more page.”

“I will.”

The journal goes back in, and then his fingers close around something small. When he pulls it out, it catches the light and throws a reflection across the room.

“Oh, I haven’t worn this since last time.” You sit up and Seungmin hands you the bracelet. It’s only a tiny gold chain, but at the very end of it is a star charm.

“This.” He says, and he watches as you unclasp it, wrap it around his wrist, and close it again.

☾⋆⁺₊⋆

An hour after Seungmin left your house the last time, he sent you a text that just said “I’m home”. That was a first, and it felt like a good omen. But only time would tell. He never really had a good start with keeping in touch.

But he also said goodnight. And then he said good morning. And sometimes he called just to tell you instead of texting.

Actually, this morning, almost two months later, he called early in the morning, when you were still asleep. You caught his name on the lock screen before you picked up, but you still lacked the energy for anything more than a groggy morning Min.

Luckily, he can make up in enthusiasm what you lack some days.

“I’m sorry, you’re still asleep,” he whispers.

“No, it’s okay. I’m just being lazy. What are you up to this morning?” You also caught sight of the time before answering: 10am, way too late for you to sleep in.

“Catching a flight home, from Thailand. Waiting around.” Now you can hear the sleep still lingering in his voice.

“Oh right. I forgot you were there…I did see some photos. You looked very handsome in your safety glasses.”

“Thank you,” he laughs. “I was calling to…uhm, say good morning, and also to see if you would be home tonight.”

“Minnie, I’m always home.”

“That’s true, but it would still be rude to just show up unannounced.”

“I give you permission to show up unannounced.”

“Can I have a key, too? Oh, that reminds me…uuh, well, actually I’ll just talk to you about it later.”

“Okay, don’t forget. And yes you can have a key.”

———

This is the first time you’re not nervous about Seungmin coming over. Well, not as nervous as you typically would be. You’re still a little on edge—a little worried about how you look and about how your food is going to taste.

He didn’t mention anything about coming over hungry, but you’re taking the initiative anyway. If anything, he’ll have something to take home with him.

A soft knock at the door. You know his soft, steady knock, and you never have any other visitors, so it’s him. But for some reason you stand there stupidly, not moving, not saying anything, because you know it’s really him on the other side of your door.

Finally, after a few seconds, you take a breath. “It’s open.”

The door swings open.

“Hi,” Seungmin closes it quietly, takes off his shoes and looks at you from across the room. “It smells very good in here.”

“I wasn’t sure if you’d eaten so…”

“No, nothing since lunch.” He takes a few long strides toward you. Big blue sweatshirt, matching sweatpants, a big smile. “So I’m very hungry,” he embraces you and squeezes you tight against his chest. “How have you been?” He relaxes, but he doesn’t let you free.

“I’ve been okay...I’ve been good.”

“I’m sorry I couldn’t visit around Christmas—oh!” He bends down and kisses you.

He kisses for a long time—long enough that you think you might end up in bed before you even eat dinner. But he slows down, and then releases you.

“Happy new year! A little late.” He comes down again for one more kiss, and then makes his way to the kitchen. “What did you make? Something American? It smells like something American.”

“Yes. It’s very American.”

“Should we eat first, or talk?”

“I’m sure we can manage both.”

———

The two of you stare at each other from across your tiny kitchen table. Seungmin sips his tea. You just watch and wait, because this is his conversation.

“Do you want me to start? Something about you having a key to my apartment?”

“Ah, yeah. Yes, I should have a key, but I was thinking of a different apartment.”

“Oh, like yours? No, you don’t have an apartment. Or do you?” You lean a little closer, “secret apartment?”

“No, no secret apartment,” he laughs. “But I thought it would be nice if you lived closer. Closer to the city, and closer to me.”

“That would be nice, but I’m not sure something closer is in my budget.”

“I know,” Seungmin smiles—there’s always something so clever and knowing about his smile. “I figured you might say that. I could help.”

“You want to help me with rent? Expensive rent. That’s kind of serious.”

“I do! It is serious. I am serious.”

“You are?” You sit back in your chair and study his face. He’s still smiling and nodding at you.

“Yes, I’ve been thinking about it for…almost two months. And I found somewhere I think would fit very well.”

“Closer to you?”

“Much closer. I could walk to you.”

You’re thinking, but you’re not really thinking. The obvious answer to this is yes, even though it’s hard to just come out and say it. The idea of someone else helping with rent, or helping with anything, is foreign to you. “I would like to be closer to you.”

Seungmin looks at his phone, pulls something up on it, and then slides it to you across the table. “How is something like this?”

You trust Seungmin’s taste and judgement, but you still want to look it over thoroughly. Distance, yes, but also the size, the layout. And you do not have enough windows in this apartment. You’d like more windows. If he’s as serious as he looks, it might as well be worth whatever money you’re both going to put into it.

“How about this one?” You pull up a different listing.

He looks it over, “still very close. Oh, two bedrooms. Maybe the extra space would be nice.”

“It is a little more, sorry (Seungmin shakes his head when you say that), but it has a bathtub instead of just a walk-in shower. And it’s own laundry.”

He laughs, “I could do my laundry faster if I bring it with me. And the kitchen is nicer.”

“I miss having a bathtub.” You hand him his phone back. “But are you sure this isn’t too much? I know you said you were serious—“

“I am…I want you to know that I’m very serious. I think this is a good way to show you. And it’s also very practical.”

“You seemed so unsure before. I just want you to be…good. I want both of us to be good.”

“I’m very good.”

“This is a little crazy, isn’t it? All of this.”

“Yes, it is. I’ll call about it tomorrow.”

“No, I can. Let me do that, at least.”

———

“Minnie?”

Mmhm?

You sat on the couch after dinner, and it didn’t take much time before he had you on your back. He lifts your shirt as far as this position will allow, letting his fingers dance over you—making you squirm a little from how soft his touch is.

Forming the words you want to say is much harder than you thought. They’re dancing around in your head; you’re moving them back and forth, but every way it comes together feels like too much or not enough. Maybe right now just isn’t he time.

“What’s wrong?”

You pull your shorts down, open your legs for him, then shake your head. “Nothing.”

Seungmin reaches down and feels you, slips his fingers inside, then slowly pulls them back out. He smiles against your mouth and pushes in again, just to feel how wet you are. “Are we okay here…are you comfortable?” He asks sweetly. His fingers are still inside, moving delicately.

You nod, but suddenly you remember that you are not good, and you’re not ready. “Shit, no we’re not good. We need a condom this time.”

“Oh right, we should be safe. Tell me where they are,” he adjusts his sweatpants and very carefully lifts himself off of you.”

“In my black bag, under my bed.”

You listen as he slides it out and digs around. The contents of that bag are a mystery, but the condoms you bought back in Chicago, both boxes, have to be in there still. You’re not that bad at unpacking, but if it’s something you don’t use, you’re definitely going to forget I’m about it under there forever.

When he comes back in, he has one in each hand.

“I’m….not sure which one is for me.” His voice seems a little dejected. He’s looking down at them as he approaches you.

“Oh Minnie, they were both for you. I bought these a while ago, when I didn’t know which would fit you better.”

“Oh,” he finally makes eyes contact again. His face softens a little. “Sorry, I don’t know what I was thinking.”

“It’s okay, come here.” You spread your legs again and wait for him, “I’ll put it on for you.”

He crawls back onto the couch, settles between your legs, and opens both hands, palms up, in front of you.

You take the right one and rip it open. Seungmin looks like his mind is suddenly full. His eyes are big and soft.

“Min, what’s on your mind?”

His hands are already on his sweatpants, pulling them down his hips.

“You are.”

You touch him, slide your fingertips down, and then back up. The condom goes on easily. “Does it feel okay?”

He nods and adjusts, makes himself comfortable, and lifts your legs until he has more room. He pushes in a halfway, then leans over until you’re almost nose to nose.

“Minnie?”

“Hmm?” He sets his forehead against yours.

“There’s only you.”

“Just me?” He pushes his nose into yours, “only me?” Pecks at your lips.

“Just us.”

“Only us.” Seungmin pushes the rest of the way in, waits a moment, then begins to fuck you slowly and deeply, “you’re all mine.” He whispers in your ear as he drags his lips over it.

It takes you a second to pull yourself together. Each thrust sends you upward and knocks the breath out of you, but you manage a nod.

“Tell me,” he quickens his pace. The couch shakes the end table, and you can hear the clatter of things falling to the floor. “Tell me you’re mine.”

“I’m yours.”

It comes out shaky, and it’s not good enough for you. But Seungmin is still smiling. You try again

“I’m yours,” you grab the back of his neck and hold him still, “I only love you.” Your hand grabs hair and pulls—lips close on his before he has a chance to speak.

But he sighs into the kiss. He slows down, and it feels like he’s melting into you more and more with each thrust. What little skin is exposed between the two of you slides together, damp with sweat, and Seungmin kisses every part of you he can get to in the position he’s in.

He tries to get rid of your shirt, but he can’t stop, and he has to stop to make any progress—so you clumsily lift it, and your bra, until you’re free.

His hand slides up your ribs and his fingers graze over you, but for now he just watches how he’s making your body move under him. He seems hypnotized, but eventually he blinks, and then his eyes are fixed on yours again.

The room is quiet—no ambient noise from the tv, no music, nothing. The only sounds are the heavy breaths and soft moans you’re sharing. The condom is slowing him down, keeping him here much longer, and everything feels good in this position; good enough that you’d be satisfied staying like this as long he needs it.

He made you come last time, and now you want to do the same for him.

You lift him off of you until you can see him better.

He looks you in the eyes again, satisfied and smiling. “You feel so good,” he’s back down again, mouth on your chest, kissing down until he can close his lips around your nipple. He licks and works his way back up, stopping at your throat and staying there, his warm breath hitting you. “You love me?”

Your heart jumps. It was already racing, but now you feel it everywhere. In your throat, your chest, your head. You don’t think you’ve ever told anyone that before; not so soon. It’s been a year, but tonight is only the sixth time you’ve seen him and touched him. Everything else has been texts, phone calls, video calls.

It doesn’t matter. You said it because it felt right, and it still feels right.

“Yes.”

Seungmin slows his pace. His exhales turns into a string of soft, dulcet moans. He lifts himself upright and holds your hips as he rolls into you. He comes quietly. You wouldn’t have even realized if you weren’t looking right him.

The satisfied look on his face makes your stomach swirl. You watch Seungmin smile before your eyes close, and you can hear him whisper something to you while you’re coming down from your own high.

He pulls out and carefully brings your legs together.

“What did you say?”

“I didn’t say anything, love.” He sits you up next to him and pulls your t-shirt over your head, “I was just…” he pulls you close, “nothing, it’s not important right now.”

“Will you stay here tonight?”

“Yes, I’ll stay.”

———

It’s been a long six weeks. You’re a little stressed out, but you’ve been holding yourself together very well, you think.

This apartment has been your only home for more than three years, so packing your things up and preparing to leave has been a little bit emotional. Almost everything is out of here and all that’s left are a few things you’re taking along on the last car ride.

Before this, everything was moving in slow motion and it was killing you. Now, it won’t slow down. You’re happy, and you’re grateful for everything that Seungmin has done for you…and it’s still sometimes hard to believe he’s doing it all just for you. But it’s so much all at once.

He told you he would stay tonight—your first night there. You haven’t received a text telling you otherwise, so you’re hoping he will be there when you arrive. You do have to remember that you’ll be there alone most of the time, though.

Some things will remain the same.

———

The elevator ride up is long, and you think back to you and Seungmin—your first date, bringing him home with you to your 5th floor apartment, thirty minutes out of the way, just to have him to yourself.

That was probably a good indication that he liked you. You just didn't realize it at the time.

You finally stop at the 17th floor.

The original apartment you looked at was unavailable when you called the next morning, so Seungmin insisted on taking everything into his own hands while you were at work. He knew what you were looking for, but he went overboard.

This apartment has the windows, the bathtub, and laundry room, but it also has double the space—and three bedrooms. When you asked what you were supposed to do with all of the extra room, Seungmin shrugged and said we’ll figure something out.

You don’t even own enough to fill up half of it. Everything that required any sort of muscle; the bed, the living room furniture, it all stayed behind. Most of the things in this apartment are new, or they will be new.

Before you have a chance to explore any further than the kitchen, you hear a very faint, soft knock on the door. You know it’s him and you run to open it, but he punches in a code on the doorknob, turns it, and peeks in before you get there.

“I tried to beat you here.” He smiles.

“You almost did.“

He closes the space between you and pulls you into a hug. “How was your day? Did the movers get everything here?”

“It was alright, and…I think so, but I haven’t gotten any further than this.”

“Just alright? I know it’s been a lot lately.”

“I’m better now that I’m here, and you’re here.” You take his face in your hands and squeeze his cheeks, “let me see, smile.”

Seungmin smiles widely and dramatically, and then bends down to kiss you. “How do I look?”

You pull him back for another one, “still handsome.”

He picks up the bags he walked in with and sets them on the kitchen chair. “I brought us dinner, and a few things to make you feel more at home.” Seungmin is pulling the food out of the bag, piece by piece. “So you didn’t see the bedroom yet?”

“Not yet, why?”

He shakes his head and smiles, “we’ll see it later.”

“What did you bring me?”

“Oh, let’s see!” He starts digging in the other bag.

You watch as he carefully places an assortment of things along side the food. There’s a candle, two candles, a small picture frame, but you can’t see the photo from where you’re standing. A stuffed dog. Another stuffed dog. One of them is Pochacco, the other is a mystery, but he does look familiar.

“That’s all for now but I do have more stuff to bring.”

“Well, we have plenty of space to fill.”

He beams at you, grabs one of the stuffed dogs, and pulls you against him. “This wasn’t mine, but I have one just like it.”

“I like him, he looks like you.”

Seungmin laughs and looks at Daengmo, “yes, he kind of does.”

———

When the sun goes down, and you’re both full and relaxing, you begin to feel even more nostalgic for the conversations you had and the memories you made with him at your old place, on your old couch. You have to work on new memories now.

He’s facing you on the new couch, eyes closed, slow, steady breaths. The flicker of the tv is hitting his face, making his cheek and the soft brown of his hair glow.

Very slowly, you reach your foot out and touch his.

Seungmin’s eyes open, and he gives you a sleepy smile, “how was dinner?”

“Good.” You sit up and move closer to him, “we should go to bed while you’re still sleepy.”

He groans and shrugs his shoulders.

“We gotta go see the bedroom, remember?” You grab his hand and pull a little, and he immediately gives in.

The bedroom is warm and cozy, like it’s already been lived in. You know Seungmin came in at some point and made it this way; the curtains are pulled, the soft amber lights are clicked on, and one of the candles he brought is lit on the bedside table. Both of the stuffed dogs he brought, and your PuppyM, are already laying on top of the pillows.

The bed is made, but not too made. The blankets are loose and fluffed up, ready to crawl into.

“How does it look?” He sounds a little more awake now.

“It looks perfect, come on.”

He shakes his head, “If we don’t brush our teeth now, we will never get back up to do it.” He smiles and kisses you softly.

“Yeah, you’re right.”

———

The lights are off, the candle is out. Seungmin is facing you in bed.

“Are you awake? Did you lose your sleepy?”

“A little.”

He scoots closer until his arm can drape over you. The bedroom is bigger, and the bed is bigger, too. You’re sharing one side just to be close to each other.

“It will come back soon.”

You set your forehead against his chest and feel it move steadily with each breath. It's quiet for a long time, and now sleep is really escaping you. You should be able to relax like this; you’ve shared a bed with him a few times before, and you haven’t slept as well since. And you’re tired—too tired. Maybe too exhausted for sleep.

You wonder if he’s awake, or if he’s quiet because he thinks you’ve finally drifted off.

You run your hand gently over his arm, waiting for a reaction. At first, he doesn’t make a move or a sound, but when you slide your hand back up, he moves his leg against yours.

“Can’t sleep?” He whispers

“Did I wake you?”

“You didn’t.”

“Then no, I can’t sleep.” You prop yourself up on one arm and look down at him. It’s dark, but you can just make out the details of his face.

He flips onto his back and pulls the covers away. “Are you uncomfortable?” Seungmin asks and places his hand on your cheek. He’s warm, his eyes are warm. His mouth parts slowly and turns into a smile. It’s a tired smile. “New bed.”

“New everything.”

“Except for me.”

Your hand closes around his, then you turn your head to place a kiss on the inside of his wrist. “Thank you for being here. I know you’re on a tight schedule.”

Seungmin pulls you down on top of him. His face is in your neck, kissing playfully and lazily, but the way his hands are exploring you is anything but lazy.

“You’re cold,” he stops, wraps his arms around your waist, and holds you there. “You need to be warmed up.”

You get your hands underneath his shirt, “you’re warm enough for both of us.”

“I can share.”

“Can I ask you something stupid?”

“Yes, I would love that,” he laughs softly and disappears in your neck again.

The stupid question bounces around in your head. His warm lips on you are starting to make your head fuzzy, and you wonder if you should just forget it. But now he’ll get it out of you somehow.

“Will you sing for me?”

He pulls back to look at you. Seungmin’s face lights up. It could light up the entire room. “You want me to sing for you?” If he was sleepy at all before, he’s not now. You’ve managed to wake him the rest of the way with a simple, stupid, request. But it wasn’t stupid at all.

“I always have, it just never seemed like a good time.”

“Right now? Should I sing now? Maybe it’s too quiet, and the walls might not be very thick.”

“In the morning?”

He nods, “yes, I’ll sing for you in the morning. What should I sing?”

“Surprise me.”

“We talked about singing together before, remember?”

“I remember,” you wrap around him and pull the covers back up in an attempt to get him sleepy again. “But I’d rather just hear you.”

☾⋆⁺₊⋆

[reikamoew]

Levi's regrets in manga 136 - LeviHan's IF

*

This is a manga analysis. Levi and Hange's dynamics in the animation and the manga differ drastically.  

If you believe there is more to their story as well as their individual character development than meet the eye, I highly advise you to ditch the animation for the manga. With all due respect to Mappa, but the final season erases almost every romantic hint between Levi and Hange, along with the twists in their story arcs.

Please brace for a ride. LeviHan in the manga is as complex as it is captivating. The complexity is further muddled with sloppy translations. I will provide the original Japanese versions of key lines where necessary.

*

Previously, before the forest scene, Levi was bent on killing Zeke to avenge his fallen comrades, fulfilling his oath to Erwin.

The first time Zeke escaped, Levi reaffirmed his oath to Erwin on the rooftop, and laid Erwin to rest.

The second time Zeke escaped, Levi was severely injured, and Hange came to his rescue.

Hange held Levi to her chest, jumped into the river and fled to a forest.

*

Let's begin with the forest scene in chapter 126. It is a turning point in Levi's oath arc.

Levi was already awake when Hange attended to his injury. In an intimate moment, he cracked open his good eye to look at her when she wasn't aware.

He was quietly listening to Hange, as he always did.

Hange speculated that Zeke planned to use Eren's Titan power to inflict catastrophe. Later, on the aircraft, Levi told Pieck that killing Zeke might end the Rumbling. The Rumbling did cease briefly after he chopped off Zeke's head.

Hange was also concerned about their fate as the last two veterans of Survey Corps. The only option for survival seemed to be running away and abandoning their duties.

Lastly, and most importantly, unaware that he was listening to her the whole time, she murmured:

"Why not we live here together, Levi?"

In Japanese culture, living together usually suggests romance or a relationship.

Note the white bar right under this panel.

It's a timer bar, indicating the passage of an uncertain, usually long, amount of time.  Given that Hange had rebuilt the broken cart by the time Levi sat up, I'd estimate at least an hour had passed.

The fact that Levi cracked open his good eye and clearly heard Hange's soliloquy — from her speculation about Zeke to her unintended confession — proves that he had been wide awake.

It makes me wonder what Levi was thinking while pretending to be asleep.

One could only speculate.

I believe Levi was most likely imaging — as anyone would after hearing a shocking suggestion — the scenario of abandoning their duties to live together, only to then remember his oath to Erwin.

This internal conflict explains why he remained motionless.

It was the sudden Rumbling sound and Hange's scream that stopped Levi's from continuing to feign sleep.  When their eyes met, he averted his gaze and asked about Zeke's whereabouts.

See how Levi tried to sound angry and eager to kill Zeke as a way to strengthen his determination, only after lying quietly there and allowing himself to be torn about this for such a long time?

Hange uncharacteristically blushed upon realizing that Levi heard her suggestion, which is another clue that "living together" goes beyond friendship.

Levi cheered Hange up, but didn't address her slip of heart. Then, Levi and Hange left the forest, seemingly determined to leave their ambivalent thoughts in the forest.

Killing Zeke, the right choice from the perspective of honor and duty, won this round.

Yet Hange's slip of heart clearly lingered in the back of Levi's mind.

When Levi overheard Hange and Pieck's conversation, which didn't involve him at all, he felt the need to comment on this.

This is extremely unusual and interesting.

When has Levi ever commented on others' love lives in the manga? The only time Levi remotely did so was years ago when Mikasa constantly prioritized Eren over their squad missions. As the squad leader, Levi said something along the line of, "I don't understand your obsession with him, but don't mess up this time."  

(We all know how that obsession began. On hindsight, Levi's confusion foreshadowed his own future romance. Hange took care of Levi the way Eren took care of Mikasa, sparkling Ackerman' romantic attachment of a lifetime. )

Back to Levi's unusual, unnecessary, unsolicited comment.

Note he waited a bit for Pieck to leave to make sure it was a private conversation between him and Hange.

Levi said:

相変わらず巨人とは片想いのままだなクソメガネ

It roughtly translates as:

Your love has been unrequitted only with Titans, four eyes.

There is a Youtube video explaining the Japanese grammar of Levi's line, its hidden romantic connotation, as well as his bold choice of word for "love". The English translation loses all the nuance.  

Besides, Hange's response isn't "I will charm her", but rather "We will become good friends". There is no romantic suggestion in her line regarding Pieck.

Simply put, Levi took the opportunity to express his feelings in an awkward and clumsy way. Unfortunately, Hange failed to pick up on that. I honestly think the look on Levi's face would have helped him be understood. But they stood with their backs to each other.

Fast forward to Levi and Hange's farewell.  

The Survey Corps slogan is 心臓を捧げよ, aka Devote the Heart, without specifying whose heart it is.

It is supposed to mean devoting one's heart — represented by one's fist — to humanity.   

（The gesture is based on human heart's anatomical structure: an individual's heart and fist are of similar size and shape.）

Levi's fist is Levi's heart.

In this iconic scene, Levi altered the Survey Corps' solute gesture to devote his heart to Hange, hence her shocked expression.

Hange, despite on the verge of tears, brushed it off with a laugh, pretending she doesn't understand the gesture. She left him to fulfill her duty as the Commander.

When meeting her fallend comrades in the Path, she heard Erwin say:

"Hange, you've fulfilled your duty."   

(duty , or 役目 in the original Japanese manga. Remember this word)

As for Levi, he had to stay strong as the last veteran to lead the squad.

But you can see cracks through his tough facade. Like, he couldn't bring himself to look at what happened to Hange outside the window. Pieck, arguably one of the most perceptive characters, noticed this.

Or, when he directed kids' attention away, buying himself a moment to let agony take over.

Levi was clearly in the depths of pain and loss, triggered by Hange's death.

He was thinking. At this point we are just not sure what exactly went through his mind.

Levi's thoughts were revealed three chapters later, in chapter 136, in the form of a monologue.

His thoughts, under an intimidating image of Erwin in his mind, revolve around duty (役目).

Yep, the exact same word used in Hange's after-death scene with Erwin in chapter 132. I circled out the word 役目.

Hange and Levi didn't dare to abandon their duties in the forest to live together; Hange eventually died for hers.

Erwin's intimidating face in Levi's mind was a reminder that he needed to fulfill his duty — to kill Zeke. By far Levi appeared compliant, which makes his inner thoughts even more shocking.

Let's examine his first monologue line：

俺達の役目は  あそこで終わりだったのかもしれない

It roughly translates as:

"Our duty .... may have ended there."

There: the moment he swore his oath to Erwin four years ago.

He wanted to dump his oath from the beginning !!!

Because it was this very oath that pushed him and Hange out of the forest, hence the grievance — or even resentment, I would say — towards the oath.

But abandoning the oath is not enough to prevent her death. In Hange's after-death scene, she complained to Erwin that being Commander was too tough.

Levi's next monologue line:

ガキ共をとど/海に届ける そこまでの役目だったとしたら

It roughtly translates as:

"We got those brats to the sea, if that's where our duty ended..."

Why end their duties at the sea？

Because after they reached the sea, Hange's burden as Commander grew increasingly heavy, eventually leading to her death.

Between Hange assuming the position of Commander and the expedition to the sea, things went quite smoothly. It only took a sour turn afterward.

In other words, Levi regretted not ending their duties four or three years earlier. He wanted to keep Hange alive and happy.

He wanted to live an alternative life with her.

Levi's next monologue questioned the inhumane side of Survey Corps' "devote the heart" indoctrination — the very tenet that drove Hange to go on the suicidal mission.

It was also the biggest reason Levi didn't dare to stop her: their fallen comrades were watching.

Remember her last words to Levi?

"You understand, Levi. I have a feeling.... It's my turn."

I will leave the detailed analysis for another day, but let's focus on Levi's regrets for now.

If you look at Levi's monologue in chapter 136 independently, on its own, it's beyond confusing, out of blue and out of place. Why would he suddenly think "our duty may have ended four years ago" in the middle of a deadly war?

The only logical explanation is that he had been ruminating on their duty the whole time.

Now we know what exactly went through Levi's mind.   

Fascinatingly, there are some other clues.

One lies in the name of this chapter -  心臓を捧げよ (Devote the Heart) -  a strong indication of the link between Levi's inner thoughts with his painful farewell to Hange in chapter 132.  

Another glaring clue lies in "duty".

Isayama sensei even used the same Japanese word 役目 for duty in chapter 132 and chapter 136  to imply that Levi's monologue on duty was triggered by Hange's death.

In fact, the image of oath swearing in Levi's mind is reverted to imply the 180-degree shift from commitment to regret.

Before Levi's injury and Levihan's forest scene: commitement

After Hange's death: regret

The table has turned.

Right after Levi broke free the shackles of his oath, Zeke appeared. Levi killed him with one swift swing of sword. No torture for revenge this time, unlike before.

The Rumbling stopped. As Connie supported an injured Levi,  he said: " It's not that I don't have regrets. But ... we stopped the Rumbling, it's the right thing to do, right?”

Connie doesn't have a story arc of regret or lack thereof.

It's more likely him voicing Levi's hidden regrets and Levi's changed intent in killing Zeke — not for revenge, but to stop the Rumbling.

It explains Levi's expression as he slightly looked up, staring into the void, clearly consumed by his inner turmoil with something or someone in his mind.

Levi wanted to end their missions years earlier for an alternative life with Hange. It's an IF scenario.

In essence, IF is to go back in time, making different choices.

In case there's any confusion about his regrets, he made it clear in his monologue that he doesn't regret letting Erwin go.

Well, Levi's syringe choice is another puzzle with a twist, no less stunning than the twist in his oath arc. I'd say it's a love letter from Levi to the woman with sparkling eyes, an innocent dream and a selfless spirit.

But the analysis may cause some controversy and wrath from certain fandoms, so please let me savor it for myself for now.  

*

LeviHan is a fascinating, heart-breaking and complete arc. Hange's part is comparatively clear, while Levi's part is more in the dark, requiring quite some efforts to piece together the whole puzzle.

I will probably write about the heart arc, later.   

In the final chapter 139,  Levi's last panel focuses on his scar.

The pain and regrets will never really go away, because of the "what ifs" — of what could have been with her.

[httpsdana]

Can you write 136 with Jude please 🫶🏼🫶🏼

Heartbeat~Jude Bellingham

*GIF isn't mine. credits to the owner*

haven't wrote for Jude in a long time. I'm not gonna lie I can't look at him the same way because he plays for madrid. I mean I still love him but def not the same way

you can request from my prompt list

this is my master list

players/drivers I write for

136-"Can you feel my heart beating that fast for you?"

"finally. we can relax for a while now" y/n said as soon as she stepped into her apartment with Jude in Madrid.

She was with him during the tour, flying alone because Jude was flying with his team, and sleeping in the same hotel as him. Her flight and Jude's arrived at the same time, so they went hone together

"that was one tiring tour" Jude said slamming the door behind him

"if you lost 3-0 to barça then it definitely is" she smirked, still rubbing it in his face

She was a die hard barça fan, and she couldn't deny the disappointment she felt when Jude told her he was joining the rival team, but she was still happy for him nevertheless and would support him all the way.

"it was because you were wearing a barca jerseyn it brought us bad luck" Jude replied, making her chuckle

"I don't think so. I just think we are the better team" she shrugged, making Jude smile

It was their way of joking. Making fun of each others teams, none of them would ever get mad at the other because of that.

"if you had the number 5 on your back, it would've motivated me so much and maybe I would've scored who knows" he pulled her closer, putting his arms around her waist

"I think the number 9 looked better on me no?" she teased, putting her arms around his neck

Of course she wasn't going to wear a Pedri or Gavi jersey and make her boyfriend jealous, so the Lewandowski jersey sounded good, plus he was one of the players she grew up watching

"nah the 5 would've been better" he leaned closer, pressing his lips on her forehead

"you're lucky I love you too much. or else I would've broke up with you long time ago" she joked, putting her head on his chest

Jude felt his heart skip a beat at her words. He still got nervous everytime she confessed her love to him, even though she has been doing it for a long time now

"Can you feel my heart beating that fast for you?" Jude said, as soon as she placed her head against his heart

"mhm you're cute" she mumbled, hearing his heartbeat speed up even more at her compliment

She smiled widely, looking up at him, watching his flustered face with his boyish grin. Something she loved about him was that he wouldn't hide the fact that he was blushing and was affected by her words

He leaned in, closing the distance between them by placing his lips on hers. A soft deep kiss that lasted a few seconds, before they pulled away and decided it was time to unpack their stuff.

[whumpster-dumpster]

confession: i hate that every two years or so someone with, like, 136 followers happens upon a community thats more than 1/4th but less than 1/3rd kinksters and goes "oh my GOD this is a FETISH community i have to tell EVERYONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!!111!!!!!!!!!!" and then everyone else on tumblr goes "OH MY GOD THIS IS A FETISH???????", completely ignoring both the historical context of the community and the fact that most of these communities literally have had minors in them since the very beginning, and this keeps happening to community after community. first it was the taur community, then the lady giant community, and now the whump community. how long will it be until they start claiming things like soulmates or coffee shop aus are fetish content? it's bizarre.

That's the world at large for you, they can jump to the conclusion that there's a sexual motive for literally anything. And for some people there is but as long as they're not hurting any real people without consent happening, it's probably not anyone else's business

[little-diable]

I own you - Tom Riddle (smut)

Thought I'd switch up the pairing this time. Please like and reblog if you enjoyed reading this, your comments keep us writers motivated! Enjoy my loves. xxx

Summary: (Y/n) is a female priest working for Tom's local church. He visits her every Friday afternoon, confessing to his darkest secrets, but today he shares something else, something that forces her to follow his every command. Pwp basically

Warnings: 18+, unprotected piv, sex in a church, choking, degrading, Tom being Tom, dubcon, oral (m), religious connotations, this is filthy

Pairing: Tom Riddle x fem!priest!reader (1.8k words)

“Sit.” She patted the spot next to her, watching the young man move with grace, the amount of grace no other man in his early twenties managed to emanate. For a few seconds neither of them spoke, with their eyes focused on the altar, with their hands interlaced, and with their hearts comfortably beating on. “Have you ever wondered how much strength Jesus had needed to carry the cross?”

“No, but can we really know the answer to that?” Tom’s rough voice echoed through the church, a sound so biting, the young female priest had to avert her gaze, letting her eyes wander over his features. His piercing eyes didn’t meet hers, deep in thought, either pondering over her questions or over the dark thoughts he’d confess to every single Friday afternoon.

“John, Matthew, Mark, and Luke tell us about the wood that has been used for the cross, the cross itself must have been around 136 kilograms heavy.” A hum left the man, eyes finally meeting her curious ones, momentarily drawn into the comfortable silence that managed to wrap the two in its protecting veil.

“Why are you telling me this?” His eyes dropped down to the white collar she wore around her neck, a spot he’d dream of whenever he got the chance to, wondering how it must feel to wrap his fingers around her neck, holding her close as he fucks her in the confessional. Ever since the young woman had joined his local church, taking over the work of the former elderly priest, Tom had been stuck in sinful thoughts, thoughts that distracted the young man from his plans, from the steps he’d have to take to succeed with his mission.

“We all have our burdens to carry, Tom. And yet we shouldn’t be afraid to ask for help, no matter how heavy our weight may feel. I want you to remember that for today’s confession.” She rose to her feet, left the man behind as she stepped into the confessional. It took him about a minute to follow her, sinking down on the wooden bench, thoughts still focused on the things he wanted to do to her. Tom was set on breaking her, Tom was set on blemishing her pure soul. He’d make a trade with the devil, he’d sacrifice her soul, for his own purposes. 

The two spoke their first prayer, fingers interlaced, eyes closed. And then Tom started speaking, though this time he wasn’t speaking about his fantasies, of the way he wanted to hurt those around him, set on gaining more and more power. No, today he spoke of the things he saw whenever he needed a distraction, of the way he touched himself to the thought of her. 

“Tom,” it was nothing more than a whisper, a silent warning the young man chose to ignore. His lips were pulled into a devilish smirk, eyes finding hers through the wooden window. (Y/n)’s pupils were dilated, struggling against the hold he had on her body and soul, wanting to escape from the trap he had forced her into.

“Tell me, (y/n), have you sinned the same way I have? Did you fuck yourself to the thought of me, the same way I fuck my hand with my mind painting your naked body for me?” His voice dropped even lower, a sound so bone chilling (y/n) found herself gasping. Her mouth was dry, heart about to rip itself out of her chest with the fast beat that only kept on growing faster. All (y/n) could do was watch him leave his side of the confessional, only to step into her small space. 

His cold hand found her throat, thumb forced into her mouth before she could even begin to understand what the man was about to do to her. Tom stared down on her like Lucifer, like a demon so powerful, she could only give in, falling to her knees like a sinner made to worship the darkness itself.

“Your eyes deceive you, (y/n). I see the way you look at me, I feel the lust thumping through your veins. You want me, no matter what He may tell you, you’re too far gone. You’re already mine, and I won’t let you escape.” Tom forced her to her knees, pulled to the cold ground with the hand he still had wrapped around her throat. She couldn’t push herself away, no matter how loud her mind screamed at her to rip herself free, her body was too curious, needing to be touched by the man. It had been years since she had last done something like this, years of chastity she was now throwing away as if they had meant nothing. 

He freed his hardening cock with quick movements, exposing his pale skin to her wide eyes. (Y/n) choked on his name, wondering how far he’d take it, tainting a holy place like this. But Tom didn’t seem to care about their surroundings, all he was focused on was forcing his cock down her throat, instantly drawing tears to her eyes. She was fighting an already lost battle, there was no way back for her, all she’d be able to do was beg for forgiveness tonight. 

“C’mon, I know you know how to use that mouth of yours, don’t disappoint me.” The hand finding her hair forced her head to move, set on a bobbing motion that drew moans from the tall man. His cock grazed the back of her throat with every movement, leaving her to choke around him. (Y/n)’s hands clung to his thighs, trying to keep herself balanced, trying to forget about the coldness pressing against her knees, trying to forget about the holy promise she had just broken.

And yet, no matter how much she tried to hate what Tom was doing to her, she couldn’t help but enjoy it, eyes unable to flutter close, watching the lustful expression tug on his handsome features. Something inside of her wanted to make him proud, wanted to prove her worth to him as if he was God himself, deciding over the path of her eternal afterlife, deciding whether or not she’d be able to pass the pearly gates.

“Fuck, atta girl. I knew you were nothing but a cockhungry slut, a whore hiding behind the cross dangling from your neck.” His degrading words left her groaning, walls clenching around nothing, desperate to be filled by him. Tom seemed to pick up on the desperation she felt, letting go of a dark chuckle before he forced her off his cock and back to her trembling feet. (Y/n) found her front pressed against the wooden window, letting the man pull her black trousers down her legs, soaked through panties following moments later. “I bet you’re fucking tight, huh? I bet you didn’t let any other man touch you, you knew that you were mine from the first time you saw me.”

(Y/n) couldn’t stop her moan from leaving her, teeth drawing blood from her lower lip as he plunged two fingers into her tightness. Her mind was racing, heart pounding in her chest, making blood sing in her ears. All she could focus on was his touch, the way he had sneaked his right arm around her waist, touching her just the way she needed him to. 

“Speak when you’re asked too, or are you already too far gone to remember how to speak?” He moved quickly, pulling his fingers from her heat to replace them with his cock. She felt tight around him, walls struggling to adjust around him – something Tom didn’t pay any attention to, set on a brutal pace.

“I, fuck,” (y/n)’s eyes fluttered close, struggling to find her words as Tom kept fucking her from behind. “Only you, nobody else, I swear.”

The satisfied hum that left Tom forced another moan from her, a sound stuck in her throat as he began to choke her once again. A silent prayer left (y/n), hoping that He would forgive her for every sin she was committing just now, but she couldn’t care about ending up in the fiery flames, all she could focus on was her lack of air and her quickly arising orgasm. 

His name left her, a sound so quiet, Tom barely picked up on it. With his lips finding the back of her neck, he pulled her even closer. He scraped his teeth along her skin, marking her in more than just one way, leaving marks that will remind her about what was just happening for days on end. 

With every ferocious thrust their bodies met, a sound so sinful even the demons below had to look away, hiding their warm cheeks. A sight so sinful, Tom found himself growing more and more excited, this was only just the beginning, he was sure of it, already thinking of all the other things he could do to her. 

“Beg for it, I won’t let you cum otherwise.” A sob left (y/n), unable to reply, unable to beg for the release she needed like the wine and bread she ached for at every service. Tears ran down her cheeks, salty tears reminding her of the salty ocean Noah’s ark had sailed through, finding new hope as the world around him began to die. 

“Tom,” she struggled to properly pronounce her words, fingernails scratching at the wood she was pressed against. He began to loosen his grip around her throat, giving her some more air to cling to. “I need it, need it so badly. Please, oh God, please.”

His cock nudged her sweet spot with every perfectly calculated thrust, making her almost black out from the unfamiliar waves of pleasure trying to drown her. Another “Please” left her before Tom finally spat out a rough “Cum”, pushing her over the edge. Loud moans clawed through her as (y/n) came on his cock, feeling him twitch inside of her. 

Tom fucked her for a few more moments before he pulled out of her, forcing her back down to her knees, once again exposing her tongue to him. He came on her face, making her swallow every salty drop he offered to her, leaving stains reminding one of a pearly rosary. 

“You may pray for forgiveness, but let me tell you something, priest. You’re mine, no longer His. No longer do you answer His calls, only mine.”

[lostcauses-noregrets]

What is your favorite canon Eruri moment and why?

You have to ask?? It really has to be the crate scene, which first appears in chapter 80 The Nameless Soldiers.  No question.  And judging from how often Isayama drew this scene, I’d hazard a guess that it’s one of his favourites too.  It appears four times in the manga, in chapters 80, 84, 112, and 136, and frequently features in official art and merchandise. Hiroshi Kamiya, Levi's seiyu, also chose this as the scene that left a lasting impression on him, and he and Daisuke Ono performed it live on stage at Attack Fes. 

Not only is the crate scene a pivotal point in the story, setting up Erwin’s death and Levi’s vow, it’s also emblematic of Erwin and Levi’s characters and relationship.  This is one of the only times that we see Erwin let his guard down and show his true feelings* and it’s no surprise that it’s Levi who he chooses to reveal his vulnerability to.  This is Erwin stripped of his stoic commander’s facade, admitting the toll that carrying the burden of guilt for the soldiers who died under his command, and pursuing his father’s dream have taken on him, he even goes as far as to confess suicidal thoughts.  It’s a rare moment of vulnerability and humanity and it’s utterly heartbreaking. And then there’s Levi.  Has he ever been more compassionate or more selfless? He knows how torn Erwin is and he can see the toll that pursuing his dream has taken on him.  He also knows the course of action Erwin has to take in order to lift that burden of guilt but that he doesn’t have the strength, so Levi must make the decision for him, even though the very last thing he wants is for Erwin to die.  In Hiroshi Kamiya’s words, Levi pushed Erwin’s back and solidified his resolve. And just look at the gratitude and relief on Erwin’s face when he thanks Levi for giving him the courage to do what he knows he must. 

But of course that burden doesn’t just vanish, Levi takes it up in the form of his vow. Again, in Hiroshi Kamiya's words:

"Due to his vow, Levi ends up carrying this fateful event to the end of the story."

I know there are people who see nothing in Erwin and Levi’s relationship, but for me this scene is the epitome of trust, compassion and selfless love.  I’ve written numerous posts about Chapter 80 over the years and also wrote a fic about this scene immediately after it was published. It's called Take Away The Load.

(WIth thanks to @krtkjkr on twitter for translating the interview with Hiroshi Kamiya.)

* I'd argue that the other scene where Erwin drops his facade is the infirmary scene in chapter 51 where his creepy smile reveals his excitement at coming a step closer to discovering that his father’s theories were true.

[lovergirlforjesus]

i'm just now falling back into my faith, and I've just been really scared that Jesus doesn't love me.. like, since I avoided Him and His word for so long.. how can I fix this?

When anxiety tells us something different than the Word, we know it’s a lie. Jesus absolutely loves you, more than you could ever know. It’s not dependent on what you do. You are one of His creations. He loves you and is just happy to be reunited with you. 

Christ died for you, no matter what you’ve done that you think would make him mad at you. 

Romans 5:8: “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us”.

Also, we are not saved or loved by Jesus because of what we do (because of our works). We are saved and loved by Jesus because of God’s grace, because of what Jesus did for us.

Ephesians 2:8-10: "For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God: not of works, lest any man should boast."

More verses that show God is not the type to hold grudges: 

1 John 1:5 (NIV): "This is the message we have heard from him and declare to you: God is light; in him there is no darkness at all."

1 John 4:8 (NIV): "Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love."

Psalm 136:26 “Give thanks to the God of heaven. His love endures forever.” (Psalm 136:26) — forever! 

God is just waiting to forgive us. Jesus paid the price. You can turn back to Christ anytime and confess your sins. 

“1 John 1:9 (NIV): "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness."

Jesus loves you soooo much and wants to help you. Cry out to Him with a humble heart (like by acknowledging you wouldn’t exist without Him) and ask for His help with staying consistent in His word and help with following Him. You can ask him for help with absolutely anything. You can ask him for help with asking for help, or with prayer, etc.

love you!

[jessource]

hii what are some of your psds that could work for fall or horror?

hiya! the following of mine i think could work for fall/horror are (i've also bolded some of my faves)

PSD 137 - CHILLED.

PSD 136 - DUSTY FERN.

PSD 135 - COINCIDENCE.

PSD 132 - PHONECALLS.

PSD 130 - ACE OF SPADES.

PSD 129 - SLIM PICKINS.

PSD 128 - FUTURE DAYS.

PSD 126 - CASUAL.

PSD 124 - SWEET TOOTH.

PSD 121 - GLISTEN.

PSD 117 - 777.

PSD 116 - 666.

PSD 109 - JEEPERS.

PSD 106 - ZOMBIE.

PSD 104 - PLAIN SIGHT.

PSD 103 - CONFESS.

PSD 102 - THE VOW.

PSD 101 - DARK ORCHID.

PSD 100 - SUNBURN.

PSD 99 - ANTHOLOGY.

PSD 97 - MIDWEST PRINCESS.

PSD 96 - THE PROPHECY.

PSD 93 - MIRROR.

PSD 89 - FAST TIMES.

PSD 88 - CANDELWAX.

PSD 87 - TELL ME.

PSD 86 - RUSTED FLAME.

PSD 85 - KODAK.

PSD 83 - SATISFACTION.

PSD 82 - SWEET MISERY.

PSD 81 - MUSTARD MOSS.

PSD 80 - OBSESSED.

PSD 78 - CANIS MAJOR.

PSD 77 - INVISBLE STRING.

PSD 74 - PURPLE CRUSH.

PSD 68 - CHAMPAGNE RODEO.

PSD 63 - ONE SECOND.

PSD 61 - STOP & STARE.

PSD 60 - JIGSAW.

PSD 57 - ELECTRIC FEEL.

PSD 55 - ORANGE CRUSH.

PSD 52 - IN MY ABSENCE.

PSD 49 - THE WIRE.

PSD 45 - FRAGILE LINE.

PSD 44 - SILVERDALE.

PSD 43 - ROSWELL.

PSD 41 - YELLOWJACKETS.

PSD 40 - A BLOODY MESS.

PSD 35 - CHEMICALS REACT.

PSD 32 - SNAP TWICE.

PSD 31 - FRVIOLOTY.

PSD 30 - BOULEVARD.

PSD 27 - CLOSE TO ME.

PSD 26 - SWEET TREATS.

PSD 25 - LADY LUCK.

PSD 21 - AURANTIUM.

PSD 20 - READY TO GO.

PSD 17 - READ YOUR MIND.

PSD 15 - UPSIDE DOWN.

PSD 13 - HAWKINS.

PSD 11 - LENORA.

PSD 10 - AN EYE FOR AN EYE.

PSD 3 - WARM SUNDAY.

PSD 1 - GREEN LIGHT.

[hualianlover4ever]

JWQS chapters memorable/ major scenes

(Presenting my speculative Timeline + key chapters in JWQS)

Ch 23 (Marriage) (Jingjia 8th Year) Ch 31 (Qi Yan first targets Chuntao, the soup incident) Ch 47 (Qi Yan's eyes have brightness for the first time since her kingdom was invaded 10 years ago) Ch 70 (Jingnu 15) first kiss (scary) Ch 96 -97 (Jingnu 15) proper memorable kiss after Jingnu's birthday (Jingjia 9th year 10th Month)

(Jingnu's birthday is in the month of October)

Ch 108 (Jingnu 16)(Experiences her 1st period) Ch 111 (Qi Yan is scary) (Jingjia 10th Year 10th Month) Ch 121 (Jingnu 17) (first break point) Ch 132 (Jingnu sends Qi Yan away while making her the Viceroy of Jin Province) Jingjia 11th year Ch 133 (3 years have passed) Ch 136 (Jingnu 20)(Meeting after 3 years separation) (Jingjia 14th year) Ch 139 (Qi Yan became the Minister of Personal) Ch 140 (family time) Ch 141 (Qi Yan age 24) Ch 144 -145 (trying to repair the first break point) Ch 147 (Qi Yan gets a mental shock) ("My sister is having a night of passion with the daughter of the enemy?!")(Jingjia 14th year 11th Month )(Qi Yan burns her own estate) Ch 151-152 (Jingjia 15th year 3rd Month) (Qi Yan recovers from the Fuma estate Fire incident) (The Capital exam begins with Qi Yan as the main examiner) Ch 157 (Nangong Rang asks Qi Yan about her opinion of a Female emperor) Ch 158 ( Act as you see fit) Ch 159 (Qi Yan feelings are growing) Ch 170 (Qi Yan age 25) (Liu An matters solved) Ch 171 (OMG Qi Yan fell in an incurable love with the daughter of her enemy) Ch 174 (Palace exam begins.. Nangong Rang hosted it ) (Jingjia 15th year 5th Month) Ch 176 (Qi Yan sets off to the north of Luo) Ch 181 (Wolves scene) Ch 183 (Qi Yan meets Bayin after many years) (Jingjia 15th year) Apparently Jinwushu was brought to the grass plains at the age of 4, after that Bayin started acting as his guardian Ch 186 (The pride of Qiyan Agula returns) Ch 193 (Qi Yan and Jingnu reunion after a good amount of separation) Ch 212 (Intimate scenes (last for Qi Yan as male)) (Just be reckless this once) Ch 218 (Nangong Rang dies )(Jingjia 16th year 2nd Month) ( Qi Yan is 27) Ch 228 (Jingnu ascends the throne at the age of 23) Ch 229 (Jingjia 16th year 5th Month , Reign changes to Chengji) Ch 242 (Truth gets revealed) Ch 243 (Qi Yan confesses her identity) Ch 244 (Jingnu faints from the shocking new lmao) Ch 247 (Jingnu 's first gradual acceptance..of Qi Yan being a women) Ch 258 (Divorce comes…"Qi Yan…don't cry…") Ch 259 (Prison arc torture. Qi Yan - Age-28) Ch 263 (Jingnu finds the wooden sculpt pigs) Ch 268 (Qi Yan leaves …Oh dear…) Ch 270 (No fear when Da-Jie is here!) Ch 271 (Their first time) (Jingnu -23) (Qi Yan age 27) (7th month) Ch 277 (Grand enthronement ) Ch 279 (Bathing intimate scene) (Jingnu -25) Ch 286 (Rebellion of North Luo) Ch 288 (Qi Yan's mind deterioration first proper symptoms. …oh boy..) Ch 290 (Qi Yan meets Baishi again) Ch 293 (Bayin learns the truth….No longer Andas) (Also Qian Tong, all hail our saviour) (Jingnu -26) Ch 296 (REUNION with a lingering kiss) Ch 297 (Say..which of us is the wife?)(The fluff is just AHHHHH) Ch 301 (Qi Yan (age -30) learns of her parent's death…) Ch 302 (Ding You returns..) Ch 303 (Qi Yan fake dies) Ch 305 (darkest chapter of Qi Yan's life )

Jingjia 8th Year 3rd Month Capital Exam begins Qi Yan obtained the first position 5th Month Qi Yan becomes the Flower Seeker 6th Month Nangong Rang arranges the two marriages She gets sick again… Meets Ding You ,the Imperial doctor 12th Month Marriage of Qi Yan and Jingnu

Jingjia 9th Year 2nd Month Jingnu wishes for Qi Yan to live to a ripe old age 4th Month Initiates a scheme of the great Fire of Imperial Mausoluem and the Weiyang palace

Jingjia 10th Year 10th Month Qi Yan kills the saviour of her younger sister(along side many other innocent folks)

Jingjia 11th Year Qi Yan is under house arrest The witchcraft incident occurs Nangong Shunu meets Qiyan Nomin for the first time

Jingjia 14th Year Qi Yan becomes the minister of Personal 11th Month Learns of her sister 's relationship. . .. Qi Yan burns the Fuma estate

Jingjia 15th Year In the first two months , Qi Yan was still recovering from the damage from the Great Fire of the Fuma Estate 3rd Month Qi Yan becomes the main examiner of Capital exam (She receives the secret decree of "Act as you see fit) (Liu An incident occurs) Qi Yan entrusts her sister in Nangong Shunu's hands 5th Month Palace exams begins Meanwhile Qi Yan departs to the North of Luo as the Imperial Ambassador

(Jingjia 16th year = Chengji 1st year) Jingjia 16th Year 1st Month Qi Yan returns to the capital Spends an approx of 22 days in prison Schemes a plan to assassinate the sixth prince 2nd Month Qi Yan reveals her identity killing Nangong Rang in the process 5th Month Jingnu officially acsends the throne Chengji 1st Year 7th Month(3rd month since Jingnu's enthronement) Qi Yan aids Jingnu with the Sifang bank revenue 9th Month Qi Yan tells Xiao Die to confess about her identity 10th Month Qi Yan goes against the masked person's orders Her identity gets exposed

Chengji 2nd year 2nd Month Qi Yan's malicious crimes get exposed Jingnu divorces her 4th Month Qi Yan returns to the palace Gets thrown into jail for treason 5th Month Qi Yan officially becomes Qiyan Agula She is sent back to the north of Luo 7th Month Agula becomes "missing" Qi Yan returns to the palace They have their first time

Chengji 3rd year 3rd month Jingnu 's grand enthronement 9th month Masked person schemes activated

(Qi Yan lived in the restricted part of the palace for over a year)

Chengji 4th Year 4th Month Qi Yan resumes the position of Imperial Husband 5th Month Qi Yan learns of her parents' death 10th Month Qi Yan's memories start to relapse

The reason why (I think) Qi Yan starts to be amnesiac 1) Her mental health was already degrading which had am impact on her critical thought process 2) The red pill which Ding You gives her to remove the poison (the water disease + her womanly features) but it had a side effect which gave her a state of amnesia

Chengji 5th year 2nd Month They meet each other for last time before Qi Yan's death She paints a portrait of Jingnu (age -27) 3rd Month Qi Yan takes the death faking drugs

Chengji 6th year Jingnu crowns Shangyuan Fu as the Crown Prince Ding You successfully treats water disease

Qi Yan however has no past memories of past..

Chengji 7th year Jingnu takes care of Qi Yan's business Goes and digs Qi Yan 's grave too To find its empty

Chengji 8th year Jingnu started to travel in disguise(in search for Qi Yan in this vast world) Meanwhile Ding You suggests Qi Yan to go teach in a private school

Chengji 10th year Jingnu (Age -32) retires from the throne

1 year later of retirement They meet again with Qi Yan meeting her for the "first" time after Jingnu's 4 years of searching There is some hope as Qi Yan hugged Jingnu back Qi Yan (37) Jingnu (33)

My speculation (added with author's info) Within the next year Jingnu moved here, bought the school where Qi Yan was teaching Qi Yan moves in Jingnu 's estate

and they get married again! and this time its a love marriage! They drink the ceremonial wine which they didn't 20 years ago

Happily Ever After

[autistic-archivist]

*** TMA S4 SPOILERS AHEAD***

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I had never been a huge fan of Daisy UNTIL ep 136. At this point Jonathan has gotten her out of the coffin and hearing how differently she sounds now absolutely breaks my heart. The way she confesses to Jon later that she avoids being alone due to panic attacks and flashbacks hits too close to home for me. I was locked up in solitary confinement for 60 hours last month (there was a dv situation and I drew the short straw so to speak), and I was in a similar mental state afterwards. But 60 hours vs 8 months?? FUCK THAT. I know Daisy’s a badass bitch but now I wanna wrap her up in a blanket and sit with her and watch her favorite comfort movies with her.

And NOW that they have the coffin IN the institute with people STILL trapped inside that they can’t get out?? The thought alone makes me shiver. I was never claustrophobic until listening to this podcast and I still can’t get enough.