#Complicated thoughts in general

[rest-your-head-in-my-lap]

<3

This blog is a cozy place for everyone with a complicated relationship to sex and sexual attraction. I'm an asexual who doesn't experience much sexual sensation (ie; I don't physically feel horny or sexual pleasure, at least alone.) I've gone through quite a few phases having to do with my feelings on sex in general, and I'd like to write about them here. And if it helps anyone that'd be lovely.

To all the hypersexuals, people on the ace spectrum, or just any fae with complicated thoughts on it all, This is my love letter to you. I'll be tagging my commentary or rambles on sex and related things separately to any porn or similar content, just in case you don't want to see it. Tags: Commentary/Rambles- Let's talk about it Erotic shit/Horny comments- Let's fuck about it

[inkskinned]

we were sitting on the floor and i was cutting out tiny pictures to make a collage for a friend's birthday. you were on your phone and you laughed about something, and i was still in love with you then, so i asked what had you giggling.

"sorry. i was just..." you took a moment and went back to texting. "i was telling someone about how you're afraid of the dark."

i'm afraid of the dark because something bad happened. "oh." i felt a little slinky of shame crawl down my throat.

you glanced up, and maybe it showed on my face, because you rolled your eyes and held the phone to the side casually so i could see the group chat. "what? was it a secret?"

i looked down to the scissors in my hand. "i just..." no, it's not a secret. it just felt like something private, something serious. saying why would you tell someone that just feels like an accusation. it's unfair. i honestly am not even ashamed of it, it's just a fact about my person that i don't usually share.

what a strange experience. is this a human thing or a generational thing? for our grandparents: did they need to worry about how quickly someone can just... share your personal information? again, i didn't even really have a true objection. what could i say? i want any person in my life to feel they can be honest with their friends. it's not like i said don't tell anyone this.

i cut out another letter to complete the rainbow happy birthday, started hunting for the exclamation mark. i heard you sigh dramatically.

"don't make a big deal about this," you said.

this entire conversation was a pattern for us, and this was when we got to my least favorite part of the pattern. i would get my feelings hurt in some oblique not-technically-terrible way, and then it would be making a big deal about something. you'd get frustrated for me for being soft, but i was born soft. you knew i was soft when you pierced me. it's one of the things that made controlling me so easy.

"i'm not," i felt my voice crack. the question came without my wanting. "why are you guys talking about me?" and why are you saying that thing? why not like - i'm telling them how you're generous and kind and pretty.

you let out this low, tragic groan. "oh my god." you tossed the phone away from your body. "there, see? i just won't talk to them if you don't like it."

the rest of the hour went the way it always went, between us: i said i don't actually mind if you talk to your friends but -, you found a way to call my minor expression of discomfort "being dramatic." you got upset that i had been offended. i ended up apologizing, even though i hadn't actually done anything.

afterwards, you picked up the phone again. after texting for a little bit, you snorted. "okay," you said, "but it is kind of funny you're afraid of the dark. i mean, when you think about it."

[asha-mage]

MDZS AU where Jiang Cheng realizes that Lan Sizhui is the Wen orphan that Wei Wuxian took care off during the Burial Mounds arc, decides that's close enough to qualify him as Nephew, declares that no Nephew of His (much less a surrogate son of Wei Wuxian's) is going to be raised in the Cloud Recedes, and immediately launches into a custody battle with Lan Wangji.

But since neither Jiang Cheng or Lan Wangji can acknowledge that Sizuhi has any connection to Wei Wuxian, both begin steadfastly and stubbornly insisting that he is a Cultivator of peerless potential and skill and he belongs in their sect thank you very much, and would clearly be very unhappy in the other's. This confuses the hell out of the already mystified Cultivation world, who had barely adjusted yet to gossiping about Sizhui being Wangji's illegitimate child by mysterious love affair.

(Eventually the common consensus in the rumor mills is that both JC and LW where in love with Sizhui's mother and both believe themselves to be Sizhui's real father.)

(LW couldn't care less what gossips say, but JC has to bite his tongue till it bleeds to avoid telling anyone the truth in a fit of anger.)

(It was Nie Huaisang who put that rumor out in the first place, partly to troll JC, partly because, in a way, it's a little true.)

[egophiliac]

Since book 7 part 5 (the part where we meet Meleanor/Maleanor 👀) is coming to EN this month, i would love to see your take on lilia’s proposal to meleanor! i mean they were like little kids right? it couldn’t have been that serious…i think the only reason she even brought it up again is because she could tell lilia still genuinely loved her…(even if he didn’t realize it himself?) but, oh well! Let’s think about silly childhood shenanigans to numb the pain! ^_^ (orz)

oh shit?! get ready for a doozy guys, it's comiiiiiing ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ

I chickened out of posting the whole thing (look, I get VERY carried away when it comes to these wacky kids and their Tragedy), but I do believe that it probably ended with Lilia getting embarrassed and just shoving the first thing he sees into his mouth to try and cover for it.

(we're just lucky it wasn't a frog this time)

[wackywatchdotcom]

do you see my vision.

[obibail]

"Still not helpful."

[charlesemersonwinchesteriii]

if Crozier had a nickel for every time someone close to him kept a mortal wound secret from him he'd have two nickels which isn't a lot but it's definitely enough to give him some very specific trauma for the rest of his life

[adhdo5]

Tbh. Okay hm. I def follow the general notion of "LXC yearns to be a trophy husband" and I don't really disagree; this works out both on the level of LXC being ~a romantic and on the level of LXC having been expected and given the exclusive option of sect leadering all his life for one and it's absolutely Themes wrt the whole shedding societal expectations to be a guy in love thing, right, like this is a clear vision. However I think it does generally also underestimate just how #entrenched LXC is emotionally and logistically both (many such cases)?

Like despite it all it's not like we ever get evidence that he dislikes or would hand off his job; even in seclusion he's showing up attempting to do sect leadering in Family Banquet literally while he's too depressed to think straight. He clearly genuinely cares a lot about the duty he has and while that's def nonzero out of obligation and he sure may drop this when released from it I have a hard time imagining him dropping it entirely. He'd be different thematically situated if he wanted to and could, y'know? Like, it puts me to mind of postcanon takes where LXC unambiguously regrets killing JGY specifically – it's not that I think he doesn't regret it it's that it's not that simple! LXC, like JGY, very much prioritizes something that is, thematically, futile to prioritize, and I think just skating over that tension makes it ~too easy and is a bit of a flanderization in this way. LXC's life would be a lot less difficult if he could give up a major section of his moral priority as such but it's kind of the point of his character that unlike LWJ he can't!

[goddessofroyalty]

i like angst, sorry ┐(´∀｀)┌ but continuing the whole 'how does viktor's side of the family cope with his impending(sp?) death' i cant help but think how they react to the news that hes having a baby cause like. theyre genuinely happy for him! hell it probably doesnt even register to the kids that a pregnancy could be bad for his body. but silco damn well knows that his own pregnancies almost killed him and before the whole Eye/Face Thing he had mostly decent health. its probably why he was always so insistent that viktor only have kids when hes actually ready for it. silco does kind of want to murder jayce a little more than usual, and its not just cause hes a piltite (he should KNOW if he loves viktor as much as he says he does that this all could potentially kill him!)

also, i forgot to add this in the previous ask, but silco (and lowkey vander lbr) ends up feeling awful for thinking all of that cause he fucking adores naph. like he still thinks viktor and jayce couldve been smarter about it but he genuinely loves that little brat so Where Does He Go From There, yknow?

Never apologize for liking angst (and don't worry I can just add the addition on while responding).

There's a reason I tend to go with Jayce and Viktor having their baby more early in their partnership than later (and reason why I generally go with them having only one) - as Viktor's illness progresses the chance of him surviving a pregnancy decreases.

Not only did Silco emphasis that his kids shouldn't have kids until they are themselves actually ready he also emphasised (to them all, but especially Viktor) that they don't need to even have kids at all. He's not the kind of parent to actively wish for having grandchildren (and he's pretty sure he's going to get some with the amount of kids he has) and he's also very pro adoption as a child acquisition method (going so far as to joke at times that if he had of known Vander would be as happy with adopting as he was he wouldn't have bothered going through pregnancy as many times as he did).

Funnily enough because all the kids grew up with Silco's horror pregnancy stories (there are just part of his regular monologues to them) their first reaction to finding out Viktor is pregnant is all some variation of "but why would you do that?" As the pregnancy progresses though they get more excited. They do know pregnancy can be dangerous (again Silco monologues) but I don't think they fully appreciate the risk - it's more kind of something to joke about to them.

There's no point in time or change to the situation that would make Silco not at least a little mad at Jayce getting Viktor pregnant. And honestly Viktor's getting a bit annoyed about it because they are in their mid-20s, independently wealthy, and have grand-parent support from both sides. They are in a far better position than Silco debatably was for any of his (and far better than he was when he had Viktor). Yes, Viktor's health is a concern, but that's why they're going to have doctors involved for the whole pregnancy. Viktor has calculated the risk and come to the side that it's worth it. Unless Silco wants to offer something helpful to the situation he can fuck right off with his opinion.

In Jayce's defense I don't think he was really aware of how bad pregnancy can go until Viktor gets pregnant and he starts reading up about pregnancy (because he's the kind of person who would read up about it if his partner's pregnant) and starts finding out about all the potential complications. And now he is aware he is very worried because he knows Viktor isn't as healthy as the average person and he cannot lose him.

I don't think Silco realised how much he would love his grandchildren until Naph is born. He's not a warm and fuzzy person and he knows it. He's protective of his children because it sucked for him to obtain them but he shouldn't have that with his grandchildren. He's very neutral on children that are not his own. So while he always planned on helping his children out however he could with his grandchildren I really don't think he expected how much he adores Naph from as soon as the boy's born. I don't think he feels that guilty about his thoughts before Naph was born - the pregnancy could have still ended badly he wasn't wrong. The fact that it turned out alright is lucky and, well, Naph's here now the risky part's over (now no trying to have another one you two).

Vander always knew he'd love his grandkid. His concern during the pregnancy was purely Viktor's health and prioritizing that over the baby. Once Naph is born and Viktor is fine that worry doesn't matter anymore and he can just dote on his grandchild.

[gingermintpepper]

"I wanted, more than anything, to make you proud." No longer does his son bend his head. He meets him in his eyes - richest brown to clearest blue. Zeus cannot help but search for that little toddling thing that once sough refuge at his knees. When did Ares grow so large? When did his shoulders get so broad? "Why can't you just be proud of me?" What is it that Phoebus always says? That children can tell their parents have favourites even when they themselves don't know? It almost brings a smile to his face. How alike they both are, even now. Mirrors, the two of them, and they don't even know it. "What good would my pride do you now, Ares?" Ares recoils as though he's been struck. As ever, it is the wrong thing to say. Maybe there's never been a right thing to say. Or maybe the both of them are fools. Caught up in this perpetual dog-and-horse show; the son who wants his father's approval and the father who does not know what that means. All the wisdom in the cosmos can't give him that knowledge. "...Good talk, Father. Truly." That blood-red hair is a windswept flag as Ares leaves. Zeus swears it had been only up to his nape when they'd started speaking. The door slams shut, it rattles all his charts and maps, the vases with Hera's flowers sat pretty on his table. Then, there is silence. Then, there is regret. Well, Metis, look what a mess he's made now.

[quinn-of-aebradore]

Unpopular opinion probably but I would bet that pre-M9 Essek had killed less people than pre-M9 Reani.

Essek was willing to get his hands dirty but I don’t think that extended to killing all the time. He’d definitely had experience, obviously the imprisoned Scourger and how he handled that shows that, but he was a courtier and a scholar first, with flexible morals.

Reani, on the other hand, lived by “the rule is evil dies” until the Nein. The definition of lawful good. Her morals weren’t flexible until the Nein showed her the importance of grey areas. She was a vigilante. Her job was killing people. Just because it was done in the name of good doesn’t mean the bodies go away.

I don’t think either had a particularly high body count (ha) before the Nein, for the record. On the scale of Jester (never) to Caleb and Yasha (evil man’s personal killing machine), I think Essek and Reani both fall solidly in the middle.

There’s not really a point to this, it’s not a “see pre-M9 Essek wasn’t that bad!” post, nor Reani hate. If anything, it’s more a reflection on how the number of people killed isn’t a good litmus test of morality in a D&D world. It’s a normal part of the setting. I love when it’s examined more closely—Jester chopping what’s-his-name’s skull with her handaxe comes to mind—but sometimes you’ve just gotta accept that yes, they kill people. Professionally. And that’s fine. Murder is okay here.

[gubbymcyt]

Uhm.

[anominous-user]

^ stick, and without the stick v

[thatonecrookedsmile]

I would say that, considering his history, he's not that wrong, but even I have doubts as to whether that would be right. But at the end of the day, this is just a joke that's been in my head for a while, sooooo…eh.

Oh hey, an attempt at a comic? Made by me? That I didn't give up during the process or lost all motivation? What was my only attempt at this, 2019? Damn, it's been a long time.

I thought about leaving this here without editing or any colors, just the natural ones from the paper and pencil. But something in my head said "HAHAHA, no" so I went back to work. I had to put this idea down on paper this time (literally). If another year passes without me being able to execute this idea, I would lose my mind.

This scenario was inspired by this video by Jehtt, inspired by the original meme by Windii. Credits to both of them.

For a long time I wanted to joke - especially on the anniversary - that I wanted Sammy to only have less than 5 seconds in the next game (or in other words, take his screen time in DR, and shorten it even more). You know, just for the funnies (unless..?) But,thanks to the news released at the beginning of January this year about The Cage, I legally can't do this joke anymore…this year. Don't worry, after that comes out (and finally gives Sam the screen time he wants,hopefully) and we start to crawl into the Bendy 3 production era, I'll make this joke when I can.

Anyway, happy birthday Sammy Lawrence. You may not be my favorite character in this franchise, but there are some things I can actually appreciate about you. Plus, you made me laugh a few moments before (you know what I'm talking about) so there's that.

And happy 7 years to Chapter 2, and by extension, Susie, Norman, Alice, the Searchers, (Johnny????), and Beta Ink Bendy. (I would mention Jack too, but he was only introduced with the release of CH4, so technically it's not his birthday yet, but I'll consider him here).

And now? May I be able to do something for CH4's anniversary. Wish me luck,cus I'll need it.

(it might be really late now, but it's still the 18th where I live, so it's still his birthday, so I still won)

[catfishofoldin99colours]

personally I think curly's real name is actually Cuthbert and he Hates it so much and curly is his attempt to seem somewhat cooler and less of a bullying target (Jimmy knows his real name and on Pain Of Death he is never allowed to speak it ever)

[umemiyan]

perhaps interesting take during this fine holiday but… i really like when people write in first person for selfship stuff and things like that lol