#Coming off of progesterone is a bitch

[stardustedknuckles]

I think the most evil thing about panic attacks is that the portion of them not devoted to terrorizing you is dedicated to telling you it's not actually a panic attack, that something is actually fundamentally wrong. You're not allowed to recognize it for what it is. There is no learning from the experience to make it easier in the future. You think you're dying every time. It's fucked up and embarrassing.

[gaycrouton]

could you write a fic where scully gets really horny on her period and working with mulder certainly isn’t helping? (pre-relationship) i don’t wanna be too descriptive or anything because i trust that you’ll think of something perfect!

It was the changing levels of progesterone, testosterone, and estrogen in the system that had a dramatic effect on libido during the menstrual cycle. Scully had learned that when she was twelve and got her first period, but known it in practice officially in medical school. One day she’d be normal, the next day all she could think about was when she could get home, lay down on her bed, and fuck herself senseless.

Some things never changed. 

She squeezed her thighs together under the table as she shifted uncomfortably in her seat. She felt like all the blood in her body had rushed to her groin and her lips were swelling more and more each passing minute as her arousal grew. She was starting to feel uncomfortable with the fact she wasn’t sure if her tampon was leaking or if she was just that aroused. All she knew for certain was that she just wanted to lean back in her chair, spread her legs, and let her hand go to work.

No.

What she really wanted was for Mulder to walk over here, part her thighs, and bury his face between them. Or maybe she just wanted to go over there, straddle his legs, and fuck him until his chair broke. She wanted him to know her body was his to do whatever he pleased with.

She let out a small cough as she clenched her thighs together again, glancing at the clock only to see five minutes had passed until she last looked. She knew her face was flushed red, probably matching the blush on her chest and in between her thighs, the blood pumping rapidly to keep up with her heart. It was like a tell she couldn’t conceal.

Scully wished he was as easy to read. Sure, she’d seen his porn collection by accident once or twice, she knew he had a libido, but she often tried to restrict herself from thinking about him in that light too much. Tried being the operative word. She wondered if Mulder would be the type to be repulsed by menstruation? Or would he deem it just a part of life? She remembered the criticisms of her past lovers vividly - one even fatally going so far as to compare her to a ‘bitch in heat’. It was usually the blood that threw them off. Apparently they all forgot that towels and showers exist. 

“Scully, are you okay?”

Her attention shot up to the man causing her current predicament. She always thought he was sexy, but today it was harder than normal to keep her thoughts off of that fact. His cologne smelled better, his faint stubble looked tantalizing, and his deep baritone felt like warm honey being poured on her. “W-what?”

Yesterday had been really tough. She was cramping the entire day, she felt irritable, and Mulder had gotten the brunt of it. While he clearly had been initially offended, even snapping back at her a few times, halfway through the day he’d caught sight of her pain-stricken face as she clutched her side, and became substantially more patient. His kindness and understanding had drastically improved her day, especially when he’d given her some dark chocolate he’d bought just for her. 

Today, however, that same kindness and understanding was having a different effect on her. Knowing that she was still suffering, he kept rubbing her back or massaging her shoulders gently every time he passed by her chair - which today felt like far more than he usually did. Small touches that were usually forbidden only being given under the guise of comfort.

His fingers touching her body had the effect of a match being struck. It felt like she was sucking all the oxygen from around her as her body was set ablaze. The last time he did it she even let out a little accidental whimper. 

She’d been able to pass it off as pain from the cramp, but he’d been staring at her with an odd smirk every time she caught his gaze. 

Like now. 

“I was just asking if you’re feeling okay?” he clarified.

He leaned back in his chair as he said this and started playing with a pencil with both hands. Her eyes were drawn to the skin of his revealed forearms, his shirt bunched around his elbows. Scully could see the muscles flexing underneath his olive skin as he rotated the pencil, rubbing the tip over the pad of his index finger. 

She licked her lips as she thought about what else those fingers could rub.

“Yeah, Mulder. I’m just still a little under the weather,” she shrugged, turning her attention back to the screen of her computer… which had apparently automatically shut down from lack of use without her even noticing. 

Mulder maintained her gaze for a moment before his eyes dropped to the front of her shirt, instantly darting back to his own computer as he feigned work. 

Did he just ogle her breasts?

Her brow furrowed as a result of the decidedly un-Mulder like lack of tact, and she looked down to see if something was wrong - only to see her nipples were prominently visible through the thin cotton of her shirt. Jesus Christ.

Scully hunched over in her seat a little bit, as if that would do anything to conceal her chest. She really started to feel like she might as well write ‘Hi, I’m horny’ on her forehead. 

“Um, I’m sorry. Is it too cold in here?” he asked in concern, already pivoting around in his chair in preparation of getting up and walking to the thermostat. 

“Uh, n-,” she began, before deciding she’d rather blame it on temperature rather than her reaction to his proximity. “Yeah, thank you.”

Even though she was pretending to be doing work, she couldn’t keep her eyes from watching him stand up and-

Oh.

She gasped, but bit her lip to keep from making anymore noise. From the looks of it, she wasn’t the only one aroused. 

He passed by her on his way to the thermostat and she saw he was tenting. Not as bad as she’d seen him do before, but it was significant enough to be slightly visible. Was it because of her?

“Sorry, I didn’t realize it was cold,” he laughed awkwardly as he tinkered with the settings.

She didn’t say anything as she continued looking through the documents on her computer, trying to find some menial task to occupy herself with while still looking busy in case he glanced at her screen. 

God, she’d never wished she had x-ray vision more than she did right now. She’d seen it before, sure, but seeing Mulder’s flaccid penis during an exam and seeing Mulder’s hard cock after catching a glimpse of her tits were two drastically different things. Scully risked a second glance as he walked back to his desk. She could tell he wasn’t fully erect, but it was clearly enough to get her hand around. Enough to stay up on its own as she bent her head down and wrapped her lips around-

“Scully, did you hear me?”

Her eyes shot up and she realized she’d been daydreaming while glaring a hole through the desk where she wanted to see most of all. She saw a light blush had smattered across Mulder’s face as he rubbed a hand on the back of his neck. “I’m sorry, what?”

“I asked if this was better?” 

Now she was sitting in the same predicament, only with the knowledge of Mulder’s eager cock sitting a few feet away as the room started heating up while she felt like she was going to self combust into a ball of fire. 

“Yeah, much better. Thank you,” she smiled.

He smiled back and something about it made her feel like a hungry lion watching an innocent lamb. Did he have any idea how much she wanted to jump his bones at this very moment? 

Forcing her attention back to her computer for what felt like the millionth time today, she looked at the digital clock in the corner only to see a measly three minutes had passed since she last checked.

This was the longest day of her entire life.

She decided cleaning her mailbox would be tedious enough to distract her, while simple enough to be easily fixed when she inevitably got distracted from her distraction and messed up.

From: Dr. Lewis

Subject: Thank you for the autopsy report

Delete

From: Mom

Subject: Dinner tomorrow?

Reply: Yes

From: DCsexysingles69

Subject: You want to see this!

Her mouse hovered over the delete button before curiosity got the better of her. She clicked the link and, as expected, her browser started going crazy with pop ups. She was glad she wasn’t connected to the speakers right now, because she feared what audio was coming from this. 

Photos of sprawled out naked women and men with impossibly large erections littered the screen. She tried to hide her surprise with a cough as she adjusted herself in her seat. Mulder glanced over at her, but luckily turned back to his work.

On a normal basis, she would have been exiting out of the tabs rapidly. But there was only a half an hour left for the day and there was a brown haired man on the screen that looked brooding enough for her tastes.

Scully’s eyes travelled down the man’s exposed torso before resting on his massive erection. Every animal instinct in her made her body crave friction and pressure. If her clit was yelling before, it was screaming for attention now. She squeezed her legs together before glancing out of the corner of her eye, making sure Mulder wasn’t looking.

He wasn’t.

As discreetly as she could, she squirmed in her seat, letting her hand fall subtly on her lap before allowing two fingers to slide in between her thighs and press against her center as best she could. She bit her lip and retracted them as quickly as she could. The temporary relief felt amazing, but only made the intense desire for more even higher. 

Someone once told her the average man thought about sex once every second. While the statistic seemed like an extreme hyperbole - it felt accurate to her current predicament. Looking around the room, she took a mental inventory of everything it would feel great to grind against. The chair, the corner of the desk, the edges of the tables, Mulder’s lap, Mulder’s cock. She let her eyes flutter shut as she thought about it. He’d let her. She knew he would. If she stood up right now, walked over there, straddled him on the chair and ground herself on him until she came - he would have no complaints.

What would he sound like? Would he be nervous and timid? Or would he ravish her the first moment he got? She felt like her arousal had a heart beat and she swore she’d stand up only to see a wet spot where she sat.

Her eyes snapped open at a harsh knock resounded from behind her. “Come in,” Mulder called out.

She’d just gotten her hand to her mouse when she heard the voice of A.D. Skinner boom. “Sorry for dropping by unexpe- Agent Scully? May I ask what you’re doing?” 

She craned her head over her neck as she started rapidly clicking on the exit tabs, “I was checking my mail and spam came up. I’m so sorry,” she rambled. For every tab that closed, it felt like another opened. The seconds seemed to tick by, punctuated by the sounds of her clicking the mouse before eventually just stabbing her finger against the power button. 

Mulder was staring at her with a look of pure confusion, but she felt she couldn’t meet his eye. Instead, she turned back to Skinner, clearing her throat, and said, “I’m sorry.”

Skinner looked just as embarrassed as she inevitably did, and just chuckled humorlessly while adjusting his glasses. “It happens to the best of us.”

“Is there something we can help you with, Sir?” Mulder asked slowly.

Skinner shook his head, snapping himself back to the matter and stammered. “Yeah, yeah. Uh, I just came down to let you both know I need to see you both for a meeting tomorrow to go over the case reports you sent to me yesterday.” As an afterthought he added, “Why is it so hot in here?”

“Were the reports okay?” she asked, skipping over his last question.

She gave them both a stern look as to say ‘what do you think?’ before saying “Let’s just say I have some questions. My office at eleven, okay?” he stated as he started backing out of the room. Skinner seemed to glance at her one last time after avoiding her gaze the entire time he talked, and he stopped in his tracks.

“Sir?” she prompted, feeling uncomfortable in her state with Skinner anywhere near her.

“Sorry, I just don’t think I’ve ever seen you so red,” he laughed. “I didn’t mean to embarrass you.”

If there was a scale, she just went from crimson to scarlet. He laughed at her once more before telling them to have a goodnight as he closed the door. 

The room was silent as she stared at where he’d just been standing, not wanting to turn around and face Mulder. Apparently he didn’t need her to face him. “What did you do?” he laughed.

Pivoting in her seat, she looked at him and saw his eyes were brimming with curious amusement. “I accidentally opened a spam email and porn popped up,” she replied.

“Oh really?” he prodded, leaning back in his seat. “Was it good?” he teased, wagging his eyebrows suggestively.

“Oh yeah, Mulder,” she deadpanned. “How did you know?” 

“Because you looked like you were enjoying yourself,” he replied with a lilt in his voice.

Her eyes shot to him as electricity ran through her body. She should have known better than to-

“Kidding, kidding,” he laughed, raising his hands in the air. She looked at him pensively for a moment, not sure if he was being honest or not. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

She wasn’t one to get off from fear, so her arousal had diminished greatly within the past few minutes. Subsided, might be more correct. She let out a slow breath, looking at the clock on the wall. 4:45.

“Yeah, I’m just still feeling a little under the weather,” she nodded, grabbing her purse. “If you don’t mind I might leave a little early today. I just want to go home,” she explained, standing up. 

“Yeah, sure,” he nodded supportively. 

She stood up and started walking towards the door, her well wishes on her tongue when he called out. “I hope you’re able to find some relief at home,” he said in a joking tone.

She turned around to glare at him when she saw he’d stood up, that slight tent in his pants still visible. A smile broke out on her face as she looked up to him, a devilish playfulness gleaming in his eye.

“Goodnight, Mulder,” she said with finality.

“I’ll see you tomorrow,” he smiled.

I’ll see you in thirty minutes, she thought to herself, that familiar ache resuming yet again in between her thighs as she left.

[tinknevertalks]

Looks long; won't read: doctor sent my name to a free diet helping course with a nutritionist and I'm not sure if I'm angry that he has.

--

Huh. So a thing happened.

A few weeks ago Two Fridays back, I had a medical done for my job. Let's just say the doctor was Not Impressed by my weight, going so far as to talk to me about it after he signed me off as Fit to Work. Made me cry (although that could've been because of my super early period starting the next day) because I'm super tender about my weight and weight gain (and tbh, I thought I had lost a tiny bit during lockdown because I was eating regularly and my work shirt was looser on my arms). I think he was also a bit confused because I know what I should and shouldn't be doing food wise but still making unhealthy choices. (And he was surprised that I hadn't suffered from gestational diabetes or high blood pressure when preggo with Thea. When I told him my blood pressure was actually a bit low he asked if I had been put on tablets. Nope, just the progesterone flooding my body keeping it down.)

Anyways, fast forward to today. I have a cold. It isn't as bad as Mark and Thea's but my head is thumping and I'm not feeling grand. Come down the stairs and see there's post.

Post addressed to me from Llanelli. "Huh, must be my smear test due." (As an aside, if you can get your cervical smear test done, do it. The medical professionals trained to do them have seen hundreds of vaginas and will not be judging you.) Open the letter.

It's a letter "inviting" me to a 10 week dietetitian (my bad, can't spell atm) course, because a member of the Health Team in the local surgery put my name forward.

Here's the rub. I usually bitch and moan that I complain about my weight with doctors and nothing happens, they just leave me with a, "Well, try to lose weight, k?" before I leave the office. But... I can't remember if he asked if I wanted help. Pretty sure I didn't say, "Hey, put my name forward to people I don't know about something I am very defensive about."

I know that this could be really good for me - I could actually lose some weight - but there's a voice in my head saying, "But you tried before and didn't see much difference at all. Why try again and get disappointed again?" And it's the whole, "He put my name forward without my explicit permission."

Anyone got any words of wisdom? I would like to not be the size I am (there wasn't a scale big enough for my weight at the surgery). I'd actually love to be more than a few sizes smaller than I am.

(Fwiw, he also offered medical help, but I remember my friend getting some tablets to help her weight loss and she then got problems with her spleen. And since going back to work, my eating habits have changed dramatically - in a bad way. No more routine, eating when I can rather than setting a time, etc etc.)

So yeah, halp?

[squireren-blog]

“Advice” for Women Suffering Period “Discomfort” with Commentary (or How I Learned to Want a Menstruation Hut)

Source: “Can’t Sleep While You’re On You’re Period? Here’s Why  from The Huffington Post

Your body temperature rises over the course of your menstrual cycle

Your core body temperature rises between a half and a whole degree during your period. This can be a problem because an evening drop in body temperature is one of the main biological triggers that makes you feel sleepy.

How to fix it: Make sure your bedroom is cooled to optimal sleeping temperature: about 60-67 degrees Fahrenheit. ….[Trick] your body into drowsiness with a warm bath or shower, because moving from warm water to your cool bedroom will make your body temperature drop. And consider sleeping with fewer covers.

Take a warm, soothing, comforting shower then expose yourself to un-comforting cold. Just stop feeling so icky; just take off the blanket and the other blanket and the other one.

Mood swings make you feel anxious or depressed  

Period-related mood swings are very normal; hormones like estrogen and progesterone drop right before your period, making you experience negative emotions more strongly. And anxiety and depression make it tough to fall asleep at night.

How to fix it: First, just being aware that some of your mood swings can be attributed to hormones can help ease the problem, by untangling your mind-body matrix. So consider tracking your period with an app or on a calendar. During your period itself, you can try deep breathing, meditation or yoga to relax and unwind before bedtime.

NO FUCKING SHIT! Mood swings make you feel anxious or depressed or both! But just think it away. Simply tell yourself, “eh, I’m on my period. That’s why I’m moody. Ok. Back to being well-adjusted.” Let me just set up an app or calendar so I can have alerts for these miserable days. Being aware will make it all better.

Then take your period achy body and contort it into positions that might not feel natural to your inflexible corporeal self. Obsess further on the negative thoughts that will send you spiraling into a deeper depression.

Nausea, indigestion, and other stomach issues make it tough to fall or stay asleep.

You may have noticed digestive upsets during menstruation such as indigestion, nausea or diarrhea, all of which can disrupt sleep.

How to fix it: Although you may be tempted by ice cream, chocolate or other comfort foods…[avoid] heavy meals before bedtime. Instead, try one of these snacks that can actually help you sleep, like toast, trail mix or plain rice.

Yummmmmmmmmmmy! Browned bread, nuts and raisins or the stuff my raw fish lays on in my sushi instead of creamy ice cream or sweet, comforting chocolate. Why does anyone suffer from period pain when these delicious foods are available? After all, these are same tasty foods that are recommended to people who are nauseous or have diarrhea.  

Cramps, headaches and muscle pain can make it hard to get comfortable.

This one’s a no-brainer: For many women, periods = pain, whether that’s through cramps or generalized muscle pain. Left untreated, this pain can make it hard to get comfortable enough to fall asleep.

How to fix it: Try changing your sleep position, adding or subtracting pillows, or using a heating pad to relieve pressure. You can also pop a mild painkiller like Tylenol or Advil to relieve discomfort. But, Dr. Duncan cautions, don’t overdo it: If you regularly take Advil or other painkillers, you can actually experience withdrawal when you quit, which can make the problem worse. “Know your own body,” Duncan says.

When it comes to headaches, a small amount of caffeine can be helpful, but overdoing it can have the opposite effect. To make sure you’re tired enough to fall asleep, Duncan recommends cutting caffeine out altogether in the afternoon.

Can’t sleep? Toss and turn. Move the pillows around in various places in and around under and between body parts (Are you still trying to sleep with the blankets on? Tsk. Tsk.) 

Take a painkiller…but wait, not too many. You don’t want to make your period give you withdrawal symptoms or liver damage now do you? 

Didn’t we mention earlier that your period will make you tired? Okay because don’t try to use caffeine to help you get through your day if it’s already the afternoon. 

And for pain, wait, I have the blanket off to keep cool, but should I use a heating pad?

Your cycle actually causes insomnia

During your period, your body’s levels of the hormone progesterone drop dramatically. This can make it hard to sleep because progesterone is a “soporific” hormone, meaning it has a mild sedative effect. (Higher-than-usual progesterone is also why you may feel sleepy the week before your period, during PMS.)

The fix: Again, Duncan recommends avoiding caffeine for several hours before bed because it will exacerbate the issue. And the week before your period, recognize the fact that increased progesterone increases your need for sleep, and try going to bed 30 minutes earlier. Or take a 20 minute power nap, suggests Duncan. You can also keep a sleep log or make a sleep schedule to regularize your bedtime, and note any fluctuations in sleep behavior for next month.

Duncan suggests one thing that can blunt many of these symptoms: any type of hormonal birth control (like the pill or a certain IUDs). “Any hormonal birth control decreases the fluctuation in estrogen and progesterone that is responsible for nearly all of these symptoms,” says Duncan. “So an added benefit of these forms of contraception can be better sleep!”

While you’re deep in the pit of despair from depression and bawling uncontrollably because your crush doesn’t exist in real life or simply because you dropped your child off at school, or you yell at the CVS cashier because he’s trying to save you money on your feminine hygiene needs, sure, take a moment to just be logical and recognize that your progesterone is increasing and you should take a nap or go to bed early. 

So what if you’re a single mother who has to work 2 jobs or stay up late grading papers or have a child who broke out in hives – forget all that. Throw in a power nap that you usually askew on non-PMS or period days simply because you don’t need it, not because you have absolutely no free time. Do laundry or power nap because I’m on my period? Shower or power nap because I’m on my period? Leave my child unsupervised because I need to get to bed early? 

Go on the pill? Bitch, this is all happening and I’m already on the pill!

Isn’t there just a magic pill? One thing I can take to help to make this all go away? 

Painaway Advertisement

Having a period is a natural thing. Didn’t mother nature make sure there were things in nature that can help relieve this. What about supplements? Hold on. Let me try another source.

Source: unknown

So, shit, being on my period, my memory is impaired, and I forgot to keep track of where the following information on supplements came from. Being certain I will be busted for plagiarism will give me something to fixate my sharpened anxiety on as I lay awake from insomnia.

A number of supplements have been shown to help ease PMS symptoms by improving metabolic function and hormone metabolism. Here are the superstars:

Magnesium citrate or glycinate — Take 400 to 600 mg a day.

Calcium citrate — Take 600 mg a day.

Vitamin B6 — Take 50 to 100 mg a day along with 800 mcg of folate and 1,000 mcg of vitamin B12.

Evening primrose oil — Take two 500mg capsules twice a day.

EPA/DHA (omega 3 fats) — Take 1,000 mg once or twice a day.

Taurine — Take 500 mg a day to help liver detoxification.

A good daily multivitamin (all the nutrients work together)

Herbs and phytonutrients can also be very helpful. Here are the best studied and most effective:

Chasteberry fruit extract (Vitex Agnus-astus) can help balance the hormones released by the pituitary gland that control your overall hormone function. Studies of over 5,000 women have found it effective. Take 100 mg twice a day of a 10:1 extract.

Wild yam (Dioscorea villosa) and cramp bark (Viburum opulus) can help regulate cycles and relieve menstrual cramps.

Dandelion root can help with liver detoxification and works as a diuretic.

Isoflavones from soy, red clover, or kudzu root improve estrogen detoxification by boosting the activity of specific detox enzymes. They can be taken as supplements or consumed in the diet.

Flax seeds contain lignans that help balance hormone metabolism and block the negative effects of excess estrogens.

Chinese herbal formulas may also help. One of the most effective is Xiao Yao San, or Rambling Powder. It contains: Bupleurum Root (Bupleurum chinense), Chinese Peony Root (Paeonia lactiflora), Dong Quai Root (Angelica sinensis), Bai-Zhu Atractylodes Root (Atractylodes macrocephala), Poria Sclerotium (Poria cocos), Ginger Rhizome (Zingiber officinale), Chinese Licorice Root (Glycyrrhiza uralensis),and Chinese Mint Leaf (Mentha haplocalyx)

Replacing healthy bacteria in the gut also helps normalize estrogen and hormone metabolism. Take 5 to 10 billion live organisms in a daily probiotic supplement.

For intractable cases, I will occasionally use topical, natural bioidentical progesterone in the last two weeks of the menstrual cycle. The usual dose is ½ tsp (20 to 40 mg) applied at night to thin skin areas for the last two weeks of the menstrual cycle.

Oh, good, only 15 – FIF-TEEN! – supplements, herbs, and phytonutrients to take. Do I fucking use all of them? Where the fuck do I even get these? 

Source: “13 Ways to Deal with Menstrual Insomnia” from Reader’s Digest

Adjust your pill times

On the other hand, if you’re already taking another medication that has drowsiness as a side effect, ask your doctor if you can take that drug an hour before bed instead of whenever you’ve been taking it. A side effect like drowsiness can work against you during the day, but you can use it to your advantage at night.

Oh shit! Which one of those 15 supplements will make me drowsy and which will keep me awake so I can follow advice about not taking medications that might keep me awake?

Watch out for wild cards

“Some women may have other conditions that worsen during their cycle,” says Dr. Moline, and any associated sleepiness may become exaggerated, possibly because of changes in blood volume. When blood volume increases, your blood levels of medication may drop outside the therapeutic window.  

If sleepiness may become exaggerated then why is there insomnia still a symptom?  As for the blood level thing, do I need to take extra doses of supplements for them to have an effect?

Kill the pain

If pelvic pain keeps you up during your period, talk to your doctor about taking an over-the-counter NSAID (non-steroidal anti-inflammatory drug) like ibuprofen, plus a vitamin B complex and magnesium supplement. And don’t forget the old remedies of a heating pad or sex to relieve the pain. You can also often block the chemicals that produce pain with a daily aerobic workout. 

Again with a heating pad but try to stay cool by keeping off the covers. Oh, aerobic exercise! Sure that’s what I’m motivated to do when it feels like my uterus is being inflated into an iron maiden, and I’m tired because the other source told me that I might be so tired that I should take a power nap. Should I schedule the aerobic exercise before of after the power nap that I squeeze in by avoiding eating or spending time with my child? 

And kill the pain with sex? Well, I ruined that possibility while I was PMS-ing. The guy I might consider having sex with almost lost his head when I tried to bite it off after I misinterpreted something he said the other day. This was after I threw my drink in his face. After my PMS-yelling-and-sobbing-for-forgiveness fit, I did straddle him, but for some reason, he wasn’t interested in sex, then, so I’m not so sure he’d be willing now. Besides, I’m too damn tired to fuck because my god-damned period causes fatigue.

Pay Attention To Basics

Increase the likelihood you’ll sleep by creating a restful environment. Make your sleep area a comfortable, dark place in which you feel safe. Keep soothing teas and herbal hot packs within reach.

Wait, keep hot drinks and hot packs near me while I sleep when I’m supposed to try to keep myself cool, kicking off the blankets? What? I’m so fucking confused and more irritable from this advice than I was when I desperately began seeking advice for relief of this misery of menstruation.  

Stick with just a nibble

Menstruating women sometimes get so hungry they seem to eat every couple of hours. But eating heavily right before bed could leave you wide awake with an overly full belly. If you’re hungry close to bedtime, stick with just a bite or two of something light, like a few nuts. Find out the best foods to eat during your period here.

So this is even more restrictive than the other source’s advice. Just nuts. Not even the toast or rice. But like the other advice: No chocolate. No ice cream. No bag of chicharrones. No cans of frosting. What about all those 15 supplements suggested by that other source? That’s more than a nibble…

Channel your thoughts

Focus on things you love, like the flowers you might put in the garden next spring or remembering taking your kids to see the ocean for the first time. Trying to work out problems right now will only leave you wide-eyed and anxious.

Oh, my fucking god! Shut the fuck up! Fucking, fuck are you fucking kidding me? Flowers? Kids? Yes that is all those of us with a uterus love: Flowers and kids. Fuck! Are you fucking kidding me? Seriously? Fuck! 

My advice: Menstruation Hut

I know, I know that the idea of hiding away women in a menstruation hut is a horrible, deadly reality for some women around the world, and the Red Tent effort to make the menstruation hut a positive experience by bringing women together in this small shelter is not my idea of a good time, even when not on my period. 

However, my version of a menstruation hut would be to isolate myself for the safety of others and myself. No way do I want a bunch of other women in there bugging the shit out of me. It would be a place I could go to upon the onset of PMS and through the end of bleeding. I would need to have someone lock me in there, cut off my access to social media, stock it with lots of Kleenex, a heavy bag, a baseball bat, padded walls, a soaker tub and shower, comfort foods and sedatives, lots and lots of sedatives. 

My menstruation hut could, hell, should really just be a state of unconsciousness. My worst PMS is usually on Saturday and I’m done bleeding by Thursday. So once a month, just knock me unconscious from Sunday to Thursday. And I, and the world, will be better for it.

[imsryimlate]

The worst feeling is having to subtly leave a breadcrumb trail of hints for your dr to magically come to the right conclusion about your illness all on their own. Like if I sit down and inform them my depression is worse and I need to add a specific medication I researched they’re like “who is this bitch she is CLEARLY seeking drugs”. But if I just act really stupid and casually mention obvious symptoms suddly it’s “eureka! I have solved your problem!”

It’s not even for fun drugs too. I’ve had to do this with birth control and shit. What kind of fun good illicit time an I having with birth control sir? Am I going to snort some progesterone??

Anyway, the feeling of having to beg and rely of a stranger for basic, life altering health needs and knowing they’ll write you off if you don’t defer to them properly makes me feel itchy and full of rage.

[dogmom410-blog]

Not known Facts About 8 Best Dog Beds In 2020 [Buying Guide] – Gear Hungry

The Basic Principles Of 12 Best Dog Beds For Large Dogs - Dog Bed Reviews

Canine gestation is of from the day of ovulation. Mistakes are typically made when it concerns forecasting the specific date of ovulation. Indeed, a male's sperm is able to live for 10 days in the female's uterine tubes and fertilize the eggs at any time during their lifespan. A pregnancy has three stages of development before the dog enters active labor: Preliminary Pregnancy embryos make it through the uterine hornsVisible Growth growth in the developing fetusFetal Advancement fetal advancement ought to be total by around day 58 A premature pup is a puppy provided preterm before she or he could complete their development.

Just a side note to advise you that you will not have the ability to confirm your female dog's pregnancy utilizing a human pregnancy test. Human tests just work thanks to a hormonal pregnancy marker only discovered in humans, not in dogs. There are pregnancy tests offered for canines but they are not as practical and normally need a vet.

Not every mating will result in a pregnancy but if you get the timing right, the female is generally going to be verified pregnant. Stopped working matings may occur here and there; it should not worry you in the beginning. These specifically happen at the beginning of a pet dog's life: throughout the first few warms of the female, or throughout the teenage years of a stud.

There are plenty of ideas to follow and execute to increase the fertility of the stud and the female. Signs of labor can differ from bitch to bitch but she will typically be restless, separated and get off her food the last hours. The drop in her rectal temperature will validate that the labor is on its method.

We're detailing them all in our bestseller,. On top of these possible emergency situations, you require to stay mindful and keep an eye out for some signs of sickness a couple of hours or days after the delivery., which is a general term used to explain birth troubles in pet dogs and miscarriages, may occur for the entire litter, or simply for one or several puppies within a given litter.

Female dogs are incredibly resistant beings when it pertains to going through their term! However, during the recentlies and days of a canine pregnancy, puppies are bigger and made from more difficult tissues and bones so any issue will be hard to hide and overlook. Emergency situation cesarean areas may be required and you must be able to prepare your dog and yourself for it.

This is called a, false pregnancy or phantom pregnancy. It is emotionally tough on the whole household as everything appears to fall in place only to later on find there was no pregnancy in the first location. In some other scenarios, the issue might be in which the female pet dog takes in one or a number of her own young puppies.

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Leading Ranked Products for any Pet Dog Owner: FURminator deShedding Tool for Pets: http://amzn.to/1JBydfH!.?.!Bil-Jac Little Jacs Liver Training Treats: http://amzn.to/1UrI76w!.?.!Earthbath All Natural Grooming Wipes: http://amzn.to/1JykFiY!.?.!Premier Gentle Leader Head Pet dog Collar: http://amzn.to/1FjRGxo!.?.!Earth Rated Green Dispenser with Dog Waste Poop Bags: http://amzn.to/1KI1IyE!.?.!Watch more Dog Care & Grooming 101 videos: http://www.howcast.com/videos/224187-...Birds do it for a lark, and bees do it with ease, however breeding your pet dog will take some work. Find out which attributes control and identify which ones you want to avoid. Step 2: Expect little profitExpect little if any benefit from reproducing your pet. Generally, the owner of the male pet, or sire, sustains no charge and gets the choice of the litter.

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as payment. The owner of the female pet dog, or dam, pockets earnings from sales of the staying pups, or whelps, but sustains all veterinarian and boarding costs (consisting of de-worming and shots ). Action 3: Locate a mateFind an ideal breeding mate for your canine. TipPeak reproducing ages are 2 years for males and 3 to 4 years for females. Avoid breeding immature puppies. Step 4: Prepare the femaleWait for the female to enter into heat. Signs consist of discharge from the vaginal area and swelling of the vulva. The most fertile time for the woman is nine to 12 days following the onset of.

heat. Action 6: Introduce the animalsAllow the two pets to get comfortable with each other. Sequester them in the breeding enclosure for a day or 2. TipConduct the breeding in the sire's area. This will assist him to carry out at his best. Action 7: Fertilize the femaleLet nature take its course, or utilize a synthetic insemination package. Step 8: Do it againAfter 2 days, allow the canines to duplicate the mating process to increase the probability of success. Step 9: Avoid incorrect pregnancyDon't be tricked by false pregnancy. Get a canine pregnancy test after 4 to five weeks. Step 10: Discover whelpingPrepare to provide the whelps-- research the breed beforehand so you know what to.

expect. Do you understand how to reproduce your female dog? A female dog will have her very first heat cycle from 4 months of age as much as the 2nd year( small pet dogs come into heat early, so the first heat can depend upon the size and the type), however although she can get pregnant that early, she needs to not be reproduced up until her second or third estrus. If you have actually been enjoying your pet dog thoroughly you will understand when she is prepared to be bred. The "identifying" that she has actually been doing around your home will initially turn clear, and after that may stop completely. That is when your canine will stand and allow a male to install and reproduce her. Others have vaginal swabs done both before heat and during the very first couple of days of her heat cycle. The most accurate method of determining her finest breeding date.

would be a progesterone assay. You can have this test done by your local vet. Your canine will have her blood sample taken each or 2 days and when the level of progesterone peaks she will be ovulating and ought to be bred.

[sarahaltmanposts]

Well, that’s a surprise...

October 10, 2018

Oh my goodness, chemo is almost done.

I thought when I reached this point in treatment I’d be ecstatic and relieved. But I’ve noticed something strange.  Instead of experiencing those elated emotions, I’m having some of the same feelings I experienced when I was first diagnosed.  And what a surprise.  

I’ve been working towards completing treatment for so long.  This whole thing started back in March.  MARCH!  That was so long ago.  I know, in the big picture, it’s a blip in time. But right now, deep in it, it feels like a really long time.  Surgery, horrible chemo treatments, the side effects, all the drugs to combat the side effects, then the manageable chemo treatments.  I’m almost there- the finish line is in sight.  And what am I feeling?  I’m scared.

What if, after ALL of this, the cancer isn’t gone?  My thoughts go to those microscopic cells that they found in my lymph nodes after the surgery.  The doctors decided they didn’t need to remove my lymph nodes because the chemo should kill them off.  But what if that didn’t work and the cells got to other parts of my body?  

And I begin to wonder about that spot on my back.  My PET scan before the surgery showed breast cancer and a ’suspicious’ area on my spine.  In the end, the doctors determined it was inflammation, but they were unsure.  What if that is something?  

All this time, I’d imagined that when I got to the end of my treatments I’d be feeling confident, ready for my new lease on life. But fear- man, she just swooped right in and is beating me down!  

Is this my fate for the next several years?  My surgical oncologist said that the hormone blockers I’ll take after chemo are, in her mind, more important than the chemo because my cancer was fed by estrogen and progesterone.  So will the next several years be a waiting game to see if they’re working?

And dang!  Why are these the thoughts intruding my head space?  

All my bitching and moaning through this process and I really just want to be able to live.  And figure out what my next chapters are.  And witness my boys get older and grow and learn and love and laugh.  

You know those really tender moments that, on a rare occasion, we get to experience with our kids?  The ones that may appear minute to anyone else,  but are etched in our memories for a lifetime?  I had one of those recently with my older son.  It happened in the middle of one of those regular days- the crazy busy, boring, monotonous, exciting, routine, extraordinary days we have.  He was in the shower singing his one solo line from an upcoming performance.  Up until that moment, this particular performance wasn’t a big deal to him. But something clicked for him and he must’ve gotten nervous because he kept singing the solo line over and over again.  

He didn’t know it, but I sat out in the living room and cried. Picturing him feeling insecure about his voice and dealing with the nerves that were coming up for him, working through it on his own…it was too much for me.  It offered a small glimpse of his sweet, tender side.  Those moments, seeing the soft, true essence of my beautiful son, that’s what I live for.  I get to witness my boys experiencing their lives and grappling with their stuff.  I get to be there for them, to support them and love on them.  So when he came out of the shower, I matter of factly mentioned how great he sounded, hoping I could provide some comfort and  confidence.  I just LOVE those moments.  

And I want to be here for as many as I can possibly experience.  Even though I bitch and moan. Even though I feel lost and I’m unsure how I’m contributing and serving.  Even though I may not feel good.  I want to be here.  

I’m just saying… I sure hope this chemo thing worked.

In loving,

Sarah

[journeytomamahood]

Gosh I'm so bad at this. I guess when the going gets tough, I go MIA? Sigh. It's just that when things start to look grim, it gets hard for me to want to talk (type) about everything until I have some sense of certainty on where things are going. I can totally hear the IVF gods (is there such a thing? Hah) laughing at that very statement because in IVF there is no certainty lol. But anyway... here goes. 1 week ago was my retrieval. We were rooting for lucky number 7 since there were 7 follicles. That was already a disappointing number to begin with since I had 33 antrals at baseline, but we proceeded since this cycle was still doing leaps and bounds better than last. At the time of retrieval, only 5 follicles had eggs. Come to find out the next morning that only 1 egg was mature and did not fertilize. I was heartbroken. However when they checked my lone mature egg for fertilization they discovered that 3 of the remaining 4 reached maturity. So they proceeded to do "rescue fertilization/rescue ICSI" on those 3. So there was hope! My Dr. informed me that usually "rescued" embryos don't fare as well as ones that may have been fertilized directly after retrieval but he assured me we were still in the game and that there was still hope. So the following AM I got a call, and only 1 of the 3 had fertilized. I was devastated... but a weird kind of hopeful devastation if that makes sense. It just felt like my already low numbers/poor results were just dwindling and dwindling but I still tried to keep the faith. All I could do at this point was hope that we had a little fighter embaby doing it's thing. And so came the days of worry and watching my phone like a mad woman waiting for these updates. On Saturdays update we were at a 4-cell day 2 embryo. Sunday no update. By Monday we reached morula stage. I was cautiously optimistic. Then, yesterday, our one little fighter became a blastocyst! I was so happy. The embryologist rated the blast good and viable enough for a freeze since my Dr. wants to do a FET cycle to better time my uterine lining with the embryo since the embryo was a late bloomer and therefore my lining is ahead of the embryo. (Continued in comments...) (at Naval Medical Center San Diego (NMCSD))

journeytomamahood: In the meantime I got to sample the joy that is PIO shots. Damn those are a pain in the ass, quite literally lol. Any tips for surviving those? Cuz I only did 5 days worth and my ass is sore as heck lol. It's not really the needle that bothered me so much. I mean, an inch and a half needle in your ass is no picnic but at least that's the quick part. It's the soreness afterwards that's a bitch lol. Well, at least I get a little break from injections now as I patiently wait for good ol' aunt flo. Then it's back to estrogen patches and progesterone haha. Yippee! Anyway, I feel so blessed that we have at least 1 little embaby from all of this. I will be honest though, I am a little disappointed with the results and still super worried since our embryo was created using rescue fertilization (anyone have any experience with this??) and that we only have one. There's so much uncertainty and so much fall-off in respect to numbers with IVF that it's hard to remain positive when things have been kinda disappointing from the get go. I just feel like all my hopes and dreams are with this one little frostie and it honestly scares me. My cautious optimism will probably continue even though I will try my hardest to push it to the back of my mind and just focus on the blessing of having one embaby waiting for us. All it takes is one, right? Hoping and praying! 🤞🏼🤞🏼🤞🏼🍀🍀🍀🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼 journeytomamahood: Ohh... and my hubby surprised me with this cutest little floppy elephant and a beautiful card after the egg retrieval. He's such a sweetie. I keep it next to our bed now as a gentle reminder/beacon of hope for one day gifting it to our little blessing. #eggretrieval #ivf #ivfjourney #ivfsupport #ivfcommunity #ttc #ttccommunity #ttcsupport #infertility #infertilitysucks #ivfsisters #ttcsisters

[gingerbaby79]

What. Is. HAPPENING?

November 29

So long story short, my cycle this month has been ...off. Without boring anyone with too many details, I am now faced with a choice: wait this out for another month and see what happens, or take a pregnancy test.

My history with pregnancy tests is decidedly NOT GOOD. For the 7+ years we were trying to have kids, pregnancy tests were my kryptonite. All month would build up with "maybe this time" thoughts and hopes, only to be crushed by that definitive negative symbol on that cursed white plastic stick.

So yesterday when I talked with my doctor on the phone to discuss my current symptoms (that I was SURE were signs of endometrial cancer) and she suggested that I take a pregnancy test, I panicked. She's going the logical, medical route. Are you using any contraceptives? Haha...that's hilarious and of course not because why would we? Almost ten years of specialists and medication and surgeries and injections never produced a positive pregnancy test. So, you can understand why my thoughts go to a more... negative outcome: endometrial cancer.

It wouldn't be that far-fetched an idea. As I said to my doctor, my track record for a "normal" outcomes of medical issues is not great. My first mammogram resulted in breast cancer, surgeries and radiation. Plus I have a lot of the risk factors for endometrial cancer. While I had considered the possibility of pregnancy, I also ruled it out because cancer just seems more likely.

I know, that sounds really defeatist and probably overly dramatic, but I promise you it's not. If you knew all the details of my medical history, you'd be like, yeah, she's not crazy, she's just being completely logical based on past events. I promise that's exactly what you would think.

So while taking a pregnancy test seems like no big deal to you, it's a huge deal to me. I've found peace in the last 4 or so years in the life my husband and I have made. And it took me a LONG time to get to where I am now, accepting life as it is and not as I wish it would be. That pregnancy test would be like dipping a toe back into the ocean of despair I nearly drown in.

Update 12/2/16

I took the pregnancy tests. Both were positive. And then, because I couldn't believe the result, I asked for a blood test. Also positive. So later this morning I will go for a second blood test to see if the hormone levels are increasing (meaning this might actually be a real thing), or if they're dropping and I'll have a miscarriage (which, to be honest, is the result I'm banking on because this whole thing cannot possibly be real.)

What a mindfuck. I didn't tell Dan until after the second blood test results came back. I didn't see the point since I was (and still am) sure this is going to end in nothing. I mean, there's a tiny part of me that runs ahead planning for what might be an actual pregnancy and child, but it's a very small part and I have to keep telling it to SHUT UP BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE A GOOD TRACK RECORD WITH THINGS GOING NORMALLY, ESPECIALLY IN THE REPRODUCTIVE DEPARTMENT. I call her Linda, that annoyingly fake-positive voice that keeps imagining scenarios in which I get to tell my family that I'm pregnant SHUT UP LINDA, NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR YOUR INNANE STORIES THAT NEVER HAPPENED. God, Linda's the worst.

12/5/16

The third blood test showed more elevated Hcg levels so it looks like this is going to be a thing for awhile. Stopping some medications and getting on a more folic acid-friendly vitamin.

No more wine, I guess. And how I'll keep family from asking questions about that remains to be seen.

Dan and I are still reeling from this. None of it seems real, and we're both of the mindset that we shouldn't get excited about anything because we're both waiting for the other shoe to drop. You know, the one where everything goes to shit. We're waiting for it because that's always been our experience in these kinds of things. Want to have kids? Try for 7 years with no success and find out you have multiple reproductive disorders. Find a lump in your breast? It's probably a cyst since you have no family history of breast cancer and you're young. Nope, it's cancer.

So we're waiting for this to be another in a long line of disappointments. If it doesn't turn out that way, it will be a miracle.

Still actively stuffing a sock in Linda's face hole when she pipes up too much about the possibilities and exciting nature of this.

12/10/16

Thursday we had an ultrasound. There is an actual...zygote? Embryo? Whatever. There was even a flicker of a heartbeat. It was surreal and not something I thought I'd ever experience in my life. I sobbed while the technician had the ultrasound wand shoved up my vagina, which I'm sure she appreciated. Then we (just me and Dan, not the ultrasound lady) went out to dinner to celebrate because, even if this all goes to shit, we had this one moment of joy and wonder that we never thought we'd have.

I'm just over 6 weeks according to the ultrasound, although the date of my last period would put me closer to 7. I probably ovulated late. I'm amazed that I ovulated at all.

It's really hard to contain my anticipation. Despite my better judgement, I signed up for the BabyCenter app thing. Every time I do or think anything that assumes I will have this baby, I immediately feel anxious because I feel like I'm tempting fate to rip the rug out from under us.

For now it's just waiting and hoping. More blood tests and ultrasounds next week.

12/14/16

I keep having dreams where I'm bleeding, which of course is because I'm afraid of miscarriage.

All my blood tests come back normal. So far things seem "fine", but because everything is happening in the dark and there's no way to know, without medical intervention, whether things are progressing well. My ultrasound came back "normal" except I apparently have a uterine fibroid (not great) and some kind of fancy-worded bleed (also not great).

The baby's heart beat was within the normal range, although we didn't get to hear it, and it's at least in the right place (the uterus) and not ectopic or something.

I haven't actually bled at all since what they think was the implantation bleeding, so i guess that's good news. I just keep expecting it to all go to shit at any second. Which, in my experience, is completely possible.

I have to remain hopeful. Being stressed about it definitely doesn't help anything, so I'll keep trying to distract myself so I don't think about it too much.

12/15/16

Today I'm 7 weeks...I think. I have another ultrasound scheduled for this coming Monday, which hopefully will help me to feel more ...secure about things.

I keep thinking about what it would be like to be one of those women for whom pregnancy is just a fact of life. Women who just assume things will work out. I wonder if my sister was like that. She seemed that way. She had 4 kids no problem, and I wonder if people like her worry about everything going wrong of if they kind of just expect things to be normal because that's always been their experience.

The years of trying and failing month after month after month, and the breast cancer diagnosis, just ingrained in me that things just generally don't work out well for me. And while I know that's not, strictly speaking, true because I've also had many, many really lovely and good things happen in my life, I've learned to expect the worst.

12/27/16

It's our 13th anniversary today. We've been together for 15 years, married for 13, and just about 9 weeks pregnant. Assuming everything is progressing as normal in there, I would be due at the beginning of August 2017. I'll be almost 38.

I'll be starting progesterone today so that hopefully increases the chances of things going well and this whole thing actually running its course and increasing our family by one.

It's been a long time since I've trusted my body to do anything normally, so it's exceptionally hard for me to imagine that anything about this pregnancy might be viable. Even though I've had multiple blood tests, two ultrasounds, and no negative physical signs that things are taking a bad turn, I still don't really trust that my body is capable of incubating an actual, live, normal human being.

We told my parents and family on Christmas. I was planning to wait until the end of the 1st trimester since the odds of miscarriage decrease around week 13, but since I see my family so often, and since my mom wanted to play flag football on Christmas day, I realized that I wouldn't be able to keep it secret for much longer. Although the logical conclusion for my being super moody and bitchy and not drinking probably wouldn't be that I'm pregnant. They'd probably just have thought that super-bitch mode had clicked into gear and they'd just have to wait it out.

It was super fun to tell them though. In the last 10 years I've never really been able to share good news with them - just a slew of debbie downers of infertility and cancer. So being able to surprise them with something genuinely joyful was a fun experience. Even if none of this works out, it was still fun to share this one happy event with them.

It becomes increasingly difficult to keep Linda quiet. I find myself thinking about names, looking at cribs and baby carriers online, and imagining a life where we have an actual child that is half me and half him. Years ago I would daydream about these things with such desperation, but it's been a few years since I let those dreams go and focused on accepting the life we have and learned to be at peace with our quiet little family.

The reality is that anything could go wrong at any moment. We're hyper-aware of that fact, and it makes it hard to get too attached to the joy of what is happening. Experience has taught us that we need to proceed with caution, and I don't know at what point we'll be able to relax and enjoy this miracle. I'm trying to. I'm trying to just live in the present moment, being thankful for even just this part of what is happening - not counting on it continuing and not banking my happiness in everything working out.

12/28/16

I can sleep like a boss lately. Easily 10-12 hours a night, sometimes with a nap in the middle of the day. It's nice that I can. Not having to wake up at 5am every day has been one of my favorite parts of not working in a school anymore. Thank you god that the book shop doesn't open till 10am and I usually work in the afternoon anyway.

Dan crawled back into bed with me this morning around 8am to snuggle. God I love him. At some point I rolled to face him and said, if this does end with an actual baby, I think we should name it Murtaugh because we're too old for this shit. Funny and true.

I started taking progesterone last night, which hopefully will be a safety measure in keeping this pregnancy going. I really don't like this phase of being pregnant but not looking pregnant and not being able to feel anything happening inside me. Other than fatigue and nausea, there is no way to tell if anything is progressing in there, or if everything has stopped. If I could have an ultrasound twice a week, I would - just to appease my anxiety.

Because is the heart still beating strong? Who knows. Is my body actually doing what it's supposed to to support this little life? I DON'T KNOW. I have to believe that it is, but my body and I don't have the best track record. We have trust issues, to put it mildly.

Dan's busting ass around the house. It's like his nesting instinct has kicked in and he's moving furniture, clearing out closets, painting rooms... whereas I mainly nap and eat throughout the day. It doesn't feel quite fair not to help out, but the no lifting, no paint fumes makes it difficult to be of an real help.

12/29/16

I slept for 11 hours last night. And now it's 2:00pm and I feel like I could take a nap. Lately I have two main moods: Hungry and Tired. Sometimes alternating, but usually both at the same time. Tired also comes with his buddy Nausea, and they hang out with me quite a bit. The Bonnie and Clyde of this pregnancy, Tired and Nausea show up without warning and hold me up, guns blazing.

I'm not complaining. For years I would have given anything to feel as crappy as I do right now. I take it all as a good sign that I'm still actually pregnant. I actually start freaking out in the rare moments that I feel kind of normal.

One of the most annoying things about the last few months has been my stupid foggy brain. Simple things take me forever to decipher or explain, I have to be told things repeatedly and I can't remember things as clearly as I normally do. I understand it's a normal part of all this... pregnancy brain or whatever... but it's definitely one of the more frustrating effects.

12/30/16

It's almost New Year's - a holiday that's always seemed arbitrary and somewhat pointless to me, probably because I don't enjoy parties.

Years ago, when we were trying in fultility to have children, I would usually be glad to say goodbye to the passing year with all its failed pregnancy attempts, failed medical interventions, and months of the hope/depair cycle. And At some point on New Year's Eve, I would think to myself, maybe this NEXT year will be our year. It never was, at least not in the way I wanted it to be. But the truth was that EVERY year was our year; I just couldn't see it that way for a long, long time.

1/7/17

The dreams where I'm bleeding persist. I wake up sure that the dream was part truth and that miscarriage has begun, but nope, it's just my crazy brain living out my worst fears while I'm asleep. I guess we can rule out the possibility that I'm a prophetic dreamer.

I'm just over 10 weeks now. Our first OB appointment is this coming week. I'm nervous for it although I have no real reason to be. It's just that, in my experience, specialists are usually the ones to tell the really bad news. I've never gone to a medical specialist and heard "good" news. And I've been to a lot of specialists over the years.

I keep checking myself in the mirror to see if I look like I'm getting increasingly pregnant. I mostly just feel bloated, so chances are it's just gas.

1/9/17

It's been a strange day. I'm emotionally off-kilter, which accounts for the fact that I am sure that I'm not pregnant anymore. There is no factual basis for this feeling - I just believe that it has to be true. I think it's mainly because I'm terrified of our first OB appointment this Friday. I'm sure we're going to go in there and get devastating news - no heartbeat - and then ....

and then suffer the humiliation of failing at this as well. 

And it would be humiliating. After having been so joyful in the miracle of all this, it would be a really difficult blow. It would be just another in a long list of failures that prove to me that life can be cruel and that I cannot trust my own body. Having to face my family and friends and tell them that, no, actually, this isn't going to be a thing, would be humiliating. 

I am well practiced in the art of humiliation. I wear it like Hester Prynne wore her shameful letter. My letter is not visible, however, but it is burned into my soul for the remainder of my life, no matter what the outcome of this pregnancy is. My scars remind me to be humble because no matter what I want - no matter what I think should happen - what will be will be. And my desires have absolutely nothing to do with it.  

But for all its pain and public shame, humiliation teaches humility. And I have been humbled more than many that I know, but I am grateful for those lessons, and that is how I know that no matter what happens, I will eventually be okay. WE will eventually be okay. Because we can survive anything. 

But I am still terrified for Friday. 

1/10/17

I need to spend time in contemplative meditation, focusing on the life that (I hope) is still growing inside me. I have to believe that this miracle is possible because I'm sure that the negative thought patterns and stress aren't going to be helpful to anyone and they run like background noise in my subconscious all day. 

This inner conflict is exhausting, and as an Enneagram 9 it's my main weakness. I'm trying to maintain some semblance of inner peace, but it's really difficult when there is such emotional and mental upheaval. I think I have to actively cultivate and focus on what peace I can find or make, believing that there is still a chance that this will all work out.

1/16/17

The OB appointment went fine. The doctor is really good. Really kind. She used the sonogram (?) to find the heartbeat, which Dan said he could hear, but all I could hear was a flurry of thumping that was hard to distinguish. I think it was mostly just my own heart beating.

I have to go to another specialist since I'm of "advanced maternal age" (what a flattering term). We have that appointment tomorrow, morning and then an ultrasound in the afternoon. Part of that appointment will be genetic testing which we've decided to do since we'd rather know what's coming and be able to prepare for it.

1/18/17

It's starting to get exciting. We had two appointments yesterday. The first one was for genetic testing (all they had do is take my blood). That should tell is more definitively if things are normal or if there's any kind of developmental disorder (Downs, etc). Even though none of the disorders appear to run in our families, these tests will also tell if either of us is a carrier, which would make it possible for any child of ours to have serious genetic disorder. It will also tell us the gender, so we'll know in about two weeks if we're having a boy or girl. Yikes.

Then, in the afternoon, we had an ultrasound and there is an actual baby in there. We saw its little legs kicking and its jaw moving and we heard the heart beat. I don't know if everyone feels this way, but they didn't play the heart beat long enough. I could listen to it all day.

Also, it turns out that I'm a bit farther along than we previously thought and my due date is July 31st (Harry Potter's birthday!), so I'll be 13 weeks this Friday which means I'm nearly into the second trimester! I truly can't believe that we've made it this far. Just typing that feels a little like I'm tempting fate.

1/21/17

I'm currently sobbing because I decided (for the first time since we found out I'm pregnant) to get on Pinterest and look at baby nursery ideas. Specifically Harry Potter themed ideas. And now I'm sobbing because I can't believe this is real and because the first time I read Harry Potter was when I was 32 and undergoing cancer treatment after we'd tried unsuccessfully for years to have children.

And now I'm 37 and I'm crying uncontrollably because the wisdom in the Harry Potter books helped me through one of my darkest times and is now part of one of the most joyful times of my life and I CAN'T HANDLE IT RIGHT NOW BECAUSE I'M HORMONAL.

Also, at our last appointment, our due date was solidified as July 31st. You know who else had a birthday on July 31st??? HARRY f-ing POTTER. This has to be a sign that this kid is going to be a wizard....or that I'M a witch. Please god let me be a witch.

1/25/17

I got a glucometer and have to check my blood sugar 4 times a day to see if I should keep taking the meds for PCOS that I've been taking, and I only just realized this morning that I shouldn't be pricking fingers on my left hand to get blood because of my lymphedema risk on my left side. Duh... I KNOW this information; I've lived with this knowledge for over 4 years and yet and it took me 3 days of taking blood from my left hand to remember it. This baby is really using up a lot of my brain cells.

2/21/17

So far, so good. Despite my irrational fears, everything is progressing normally. I have literally never said that phrase in reference to myself.

Also, I'll share a problem I'm having here. I really don't like all the attention I'm getting with this pregnancy. I mean, I guess it's great if you're the kind of person who likes being the center of attention, but I've never liked other people focusing on me and asking me questions and wanting to know things. I'm more of a background-type. Just let me quietly go about my business and I'll share stuff when I'm ready. It's just so much... pressure.

I mean, yes, this is happy news. Yes we're excited. But we're also always teetering on the edge of terrified. And not because we're scared of becoming parents (well, not only because of that). No, we're just too familiar with how quickly things can go wrong, and so while we're pissing our pants with excitement for something we never thought we'd have, we're also pissing our pants because we're half expecting the rug to be pulled out from underneath us at any moment. (In this instance, pissing your pants indicates both joy and fear.)