#Cloud Vulnerability Management

[jonah-miles-smith]

Navigating the Cloud: Latest Advancements and Best Practices in Cloud Vulnerability Management

The cloud has revolutionized the way organizations operate, offering unparalleled flexibility, scalability, and cost-efficiency. However, as more businesses migrate to cloud environments, the importance of robust cloud vulnerability management has never been greater. In this blog, we’ll explore the latest advancements and best practices in cloud vulnerability management, helping you safeguard your cloud infrastructure from potential threats.

Latest Advancements in Cloud Vulnerability Management

1. AI and Machine Learning Integration

Artificial Intelligence (AI) and Machine Learning (ML) are transforming how organizations approach vulnerability management. These technologies can analyze vast amounts of data to identify patterns and detect anomalies that might indicate vulnerabilities. AI-driven tools can prioritize vulnerabilities based on potential impact, reducing the noise and helping security teams focus on the most critical issues.

2. Automated Vulnerability Scanning

Automated scanning tools have become more sophisticated, providing continuous monitoring and real-time threat detection. These tools can now integrate seamlessly with Continuous Integration/Continuous Deployment (CI/CD) pipelines, allowing for vulnerability assessments at every stage of development. Automation not only speeds up the process but also reduces the chances of human error.

3. Enhanced Cloud Security Posture Management (CSPM)

Cloud Security Posture Management tools have evolved to provide more comprehensive visibility and control over cloud configurations. CSPM tools now offer advanced features like automated compliance checks, risk assessment, and remediation suggestions, helping organizations maintain a secure cloud environment and adhere to industry regulations.

4. Zero Trust Architecture

Zero Trust is gaining traction as a fundamental security model for cloud environments. It operates on the principle of “never trust, always verify,” meaning that every request, whether internal or external, must be authenticated and authorized. Implementing a Zero Trust Architecture involves rigorous identity and access management, continuous monitoring, and least-privilege access policies.

5. Cloud-Native Security Solutions

Cloud-native security solutions are designed specifically for cloud environments, offering deeper integration with cloud services and better scalability. These solutions include cloud-native firewalls, intrusion detection systems, and encryption tools that are optimized for cloud workloads and can dynamically adjust to changing environments.

Best Practices for Cloud Vulnerability Management

1. Adopt a Layered Security Approach

Implementing multiple layers of security helps protect against various types of attacks. This approach includes network security, application security, data security, and endpoint protection. Each layer provides an additional defense mechanism, making it more difficult for attackers to breach your cloud environment.

2. Regularly Update and Patch Systems

Keeping your cloud infrastructure up-to-date is crucial for minimizing vulnerabilities. Regularly apply patches and updates to operating systems, applications, and services. Automated patch management tools can streamline this process, ensuring that updates are applied promptly without disrupting operations.

3. Implement Strong Identity and Access Management (IAM)

Effective IAM practices are essential for controlling who has access to your cloud resources. Use multi-factor authentication (MFA), enforce strong password policies, and regularly review access permissions. Implementing role-based access control (RBAC) ensures that users have only the access necessary for their job functions.

4. Conduct Regular Security Assessments

Regular security assessments, including vulnerability scans and penetration tests, are vital for identifying and addressing potential weaknesses. Schedule these assessments frequently and after significant changes to your cloud environment. Use the findings to continuously improve your security posture.

5. Leverage Security Information and Event Management (SIEM) Systems

SIEM systems aggregate and analyze security data from across your cloud infrastructure. They provide real-time visibility into potential threats and facilitate incident response by correlating logs and alerts. Integrating SIEM with your cloud environment helps you detect and respond to security incidents more effectively.

6. Educate and Train Your Team

Human error is a common factor in security breaches. Regular training and awareness programs can help your team understand the latest threats and best practices in cloud security. Ensure that everyone, from developers to system administrators, is aware of their role in maintaining a secure cloud environment.

Conclusion

As the cloud continues to evolve, so do the strategies and tools for managing vulnerabilities. By staying informed about the latest advancements and adhering to best practices, organizations can better protect their cloud environments from emerging threats. Embrace automation, leverage advanced technologies, and foster a culture of security to keep your cloud infrastructure resilient and secure.

[vaguely-concerned]

bunter keeping peter from being swallowed up by an evil bog with the kind of hysterical strength otherwise only known by mothers deadlifting cars to save their tender babes is something that can actually be so personal

[full-stackmobiledeveloper]

Cyber Security Services Company | Data Security Solutions

In today’s fast-paced digital world, businesses increasingly rely on technology to store, process, and transmit sensitive data. As companies across industries harness the power of the internet, the need for robust cybersecurity services has never been more crucial. Data breaches and cyberattacks are growing threats from small startups to large corporations that can have devastating consequences. That’s where a cybersecurity company specializing in data protection services and cybersecurity management comes into play.

This blog explores the importance of cybersecurity management, the types of services offered by a cybersecurity services company, and how data protection services and endpoint security services can help businesses protect their sensitive information.

Understanding the Growing Importance of Cybersecurity

The digital transformation that businesses have undergone in recent years has revolutionized operations, providing significant benefits like improved efficiency, better customer engagement, and more streamlined processes. However, this transformation has also opened new doors for cybercriminals who exploit vulnerabilities in systems and networks to steal data, launch attacks, and disrupt operations.

With data breaches and cyberattacks on the rise, organizations must safeguard sensitive information from unauthorized access, manipulation, and theft. Whether it’s customer data, intellectual property, or financial records, securing these assets is paramount to maintaining trust, compliance with regulations, and protecting brand reputation.

Cybersecurity solutions providers play a key role in defending organizations from these threats. Cybersecurity isn’t just a technical need—it’s a business priority that can help prevent costly disruptions, legal ramifications, and loss of customer confidence. This is where the role of a cybersecurity consulting firm becomes indispensable.

What Is a Cybersecurity Services Company?

A cybersecurity services company specializes in identifying, mitigating, and preventing cyber threats. They provide tailored solutions to ensure businesses’ information and infrastructure are well-protected from a wide range of security risks. These companies are essential partners in safeguarding businesses from cyberattacks and ensuring the security of sensitive data and systems.

Key Services Provided by a Cybersecurity Services Company

Cybersecurity companies offer a range of services designed to safeguard businesses from evolving threats. These services include:

Threat Detection & Prevention Services: Cybersecurity companies deploy advanced monitoring tools and techniques to detect vulnerabilities, anomalous activities, and potential threats before they cause harm. This includes setting up firewalls, intrusion detection systems (IDS), and intrusion prevention systems (IPS).

Risk Management: Cybersecurity firms assess vulnerabilities and design strategies to safeguard businesses from both internal and external threats. A cyber risk management company helps ensure that businesses are prepared for any potential cyber risks.

Cybersecurity Audits & Assessments: Regular security audits and penetration testing are vital for identifying weaknesses in a company’s infrastructure. These audits ensure no part of the system remains unprotected.

Compliance Support: For businesses in regulated industries, cybersecurity compliance services help ensure adherence to standards like GDPR, HIPAA, and PCI DSS. Companies in these industries can also benefit from IT security services companies that provide guidance and support for meeting compliance requirements.

Incident Response & Disaster Recovery: Even with robust security measures, breaches can still occur. Incident response services help businesses respond quickly and effectively to limit damage. Additionally, cybersecurity audit services and vulnerability assessment companies help identify and prevent potential attacks before they materialize.

Employee Training & Awareness: Cybersecurity management companies often provide training programs to raise awareness about phishing, password hygiene, and safe online behavior, reducing human error and improving security.

Types of Data Security Solutions Offered by Cybersecurity Companies

At the core of every cybersecurity service is data protection. Cybersecurity solutions providers offer several key solutions to help businesses secure their information:

Encryption: Encryption ensures that even if data is accessed by cybercriminals, it remains unreadable without the decryption key. Cloud security companies offer encryption solutions to protect data stored in the cloud, safeguarding sensitive information during transit and while at rest.

Access Control & Authentication: Multi-factor authentication (MFA) and role-based access control (RBAC) are implemented to ensure only authorized personnel can access sensitive systems.

Data Loss Prevention (DLP): Data protection services monitor data transfers and emails to prevent unauthorized sharing or leakage of confidential information.

Firewalls & Network Security: Firewalls act as the first line of defense by filtering traffic and blocking harmful activities. Network security services providers ensure that your network is properly configured with firewalls, VPNs, and network segmentation to protect data from external attacks.

Backup & Disaster Recovery: A comprehensive backup and recovery plan ensures that lost or compromised data can be restored with minimal disruption to business operations. Cloud security companies play a key role in providing reliable cloud-based backup and recovery services.

Endpoint Security: With more employees working remotely, endpoint security services are becoming essential. Cybersecurity firms implement solutions to protect mobile devices, laptops, and tablets from threats.

Why Partner with a Cybersecurity Services Company?

Businesses of all sizes can benefit from the specialized expertise of a cybersecurity consulting firm. Here are some reasons why partnering with one is essential:

Expertise and Experience

Cybersecurity is a complex field requiring in-depth knowledge of emerging threats and security solutions. A cybersecurity services company brings years of experience and expertise to the table, ensuring best practices and cutting-edge tools are used to protect your data.

Cost Efficiency

Building an in-house cybersecurity team can be costly. By outsourcing to a cybersecurity solutions provider, businesses gain access to expert resources and advanced technologies without the need to invest in full-time staff.

Proactive Protection

Rather than waiting for a breach to occur, a cybersecurity management company helps you adopt a proactive approach by identifying and neutralizing potential threats before they can impact your business.

Regulatory Compliance

Staying compliant with regulations like GDPR, HIPAA, and CCPA can be challenging. A cybersecurity services company ensures your business complies with relevant data protection laws, avoiding legal complications and fines. These companies provide cybersecurity compliance services to meet the highest standards of data protection.

Business Continuity

Cybersecurity services also encompass disaster recovery planning, ensuring that your business can continue to operate smoothly after a cyber attack or natural disaster. Security operations center services ensure continuous monitoring, offering peace of mind that any security breaches are quickly detected and neutralized.

Conclusion: Protect Your Business with a Cybersecurity Services Company

As cyber threats continue to evolve, businesses must take proactive steps to protect their sensitive data and maintain customer trust. Partnering with a reputable cybersecurity consulting firm ensures that you have the right tools, expertise, and strategies in place to prevent cyberattacks, secure your data, and maintain regulatory compliance.

Whether it’s through penetration testing, endpoint security services, or incident response services, a cybersecurity services company plays a crucial role in keeping your data safe and your business running smoothly.

Investing in cybersecurity solutions today can help prevent significant financial and reputational damage in the future. Don't wait until it's too late—reach out to a trusted cybersecurity services company today to protect your data and your business's future.

[vaptservices]

How Vulnerability Exposure Management can eliminate vulnerabilities

Vulnerability Exposure Management (VEM) helps eliminate vulnerabilities by providing a proactive, continuous approach to identifying, assessing, prioritizing, and remediating security weaknesses across an organization’s systems and applications. Instead of just detecting vulnerabilities, VEM focuses on understanding how exposed those vulnerabilities are in the real-world context—considering factors like exploitability, business impact, and asset criticality.

[adiya60]

Security and Vulnerability Management Market Revenue Forecast: Growth, Share, Value, and Trends

"Security and Vulnerability Management Market Size And Forecast by 2028

According to Data Bridge Market Research analyses that the security and vulnerability management market will exhibit a CAGR of 8.28% for the forecast period of 2021-2028. This means that the security and vulnerability management market would stand tall at a market value of USD 16.02 billion by 2028.

Security and Vulnerability Management Market is making significant strides in the industry, redefining standards with cutting-edge solutions and strategic growth initiatives. As a leader in the sector, Cybersecurity Risk Management Market is committed to providing high-quality services that cater to evolving consumer needs. With a strong focus on innovation, Threat Detection and Prevention Market has introduced new technologies that enhance efficiency and streamline operations. The company’s expansion into new regions has solidified Security and Vulnerability Management Market as a key player in the global landscape. By continuously adapting to market trends, IT Security Compliance Market ensures sustainable growth and long-term success.

Security and Vulnerability Management Market remains dedicated to delivering exceptional value to its customers while strengthening its position in the industry. Through ongoing research and development, Network Vulnerability Assessment Market continues to push the boundaries of excellence. The company's commitment to quality and customer satisfaction has made Cyber Risk Analytics Market a trusted name worldwide. With a strong emphasis on sustainability, Security and Vulnerability Management Market is actively contributing to a greener future. As demand for advanced solutions grows, Security and Vulnerability Management Market is poised for further expansion and success.

Our comprehensive Security and Vulnerability Management Market report is ready with the latest trends, growth opportunities, and strategic analysis. https://www.databridgemarketresearch.com/reports/global-security-and-vulnerability-management-market

**Segments**

- **Product Type**: The market for security and vulnerability management is segmented based on product type, covering solutions such as vulnerability assessment, intrusion detection systems (IDS), intrusion prevention systems (IPS), firewall, antivirus and anti-malware, and others. The increasing demand for advanced security solutions to detect and prevent vulnerabilities in digital systems drives the growth in this segment.

- **Deployment Mode**: The market also categorizes into deployment modes, including on-premises and cloud-based. With the rising adoption of cloud computing and storage services, organizations are opting for cloud-based solutions for efficient security management. However, on-premises deployment still remains prevalent in certain industries that prioritize data control and security.

- **Organization Size**: Security and vulnerability management solutions are tailored to suit different organization sizes, namely small and medium-sized enterprises (SMEs) and large enterprises. SMEs often look for cost-effective and user-friendly solutions, while large enterprises require comprehensive and scalable systems to manage a vast network of devices and data.

- **Verticals**: Vertical segmentation delves into the diverse sectors that utilize security and vulnerability management services. Industries such as IT and telecom, healthcare, BFSI, government and defense, retail, and others have varying security needs and compliance requirements, driving the demand for specialized security solutions.

**Market Players**

- **IBM Corporation**: A key player in the security and vulnerability management market, IBM offers a range of security products and services, including QRadar SIEM, Managed Security Services, and X-Force Threat Management.

- **Symantec Corporation**: Symantec provides solutions like Endpoint Protection, Data Loss Prevention, and Security Analytics, catering to the evolving security needs of organizations across different sectors.

- **Cisco Systems, Inc.**: Cisco is known for its security solutions such as Cisco SecureX, Secure Firewall, and Advanced Malware Protection, enabling businesses to enhance their cybersecurity posture.

- **Qualys, Inc.**: Qualys specializes in cloud-based security and compliance solutions, offering services like Vulnerability Management, Patch Management, and Threat Protection.

- **McAfee, LLC**: McAfee delivers comprehensive security solutions like McAfee Total Protection, MVISION Cloud, and Network Security Platform, safeguarding businesses against cyber threats.

For a detailed analysis of the Global Security and Vulnerability Management Market, visit https://www.databridgemarketresearch.com/reports/global-security-and-vulnerability-management-market The global security and vulnerability management market is witnessing significant growth driven by the increasing complexity and frequency of cyber threats across various industries. As organizations continue to digitalize their operations and expand their network infrastructure, the demand for robust security solutions to detect, prevent, and respond to vulnerabilities is on the rise. The segmentation of the market based on product type highlights the diverse range of solutions available, including vulnerability assessment, intrusion detection systems, firewalls, antivirus software, and more. This segmentation allows organizations to choose solutions that best fit their security requirements and operational needs.

The deployment mode segmentation, focusing on on-premises and cloud-based solutions, reflects the evolving landscape of cybersecurity practices. While cloud-based solutions offer scalability, flexibility, and accessibility advantages, on-premises deployment is preferred by industries with stringent data privacy and security concerns. The organization size segmentation recognizes the unique security challenges faced by small and medium-sized enterprises (SMEs) and large enterprises. SMEs prioritize cost-effective and easy-to-deploy solutions, whereas large enterprises seek comprehensive and scalable systems to secure their vast networks and sensitive data.

Vertical segmentation is crucial in understanding the tailored security requirements of different industry sectors. The IT and telecom, healthcare, BFSI, government and defense, retail, and other sectors each have specific security compliance regulations and vulnerabilities that need to be addressed. As organizations in these verticals strive to protect their digital assets and customer information, the demand for specialized security solutions from market players like IBM Corporation, Symantec Corporation, Cisco Systems, Inc., Qualys, Inc., and McAfee, LLC is expected to grow.

IBM Corporation's diverse portfolio of security products and services, Symantec Corporation's focus on endpoint protection and data loss prevention, Cisco Systems, Inc.'s innovative security solutions, Qualys, Inc.'s expertise in cloud-based security solutions, and McAfee, LLC's comprehensive security offerings all contribute to the competitive landscape of the security and vulnerability management market. These market players continue to innovate and adapt to emerging cyber threats, providing organizations with the tools and technologies needed to fortify their cybersecurity defenses.

In conclusion, the global security and vulnerability management market is poised for continued growth as organizations prioritize cybersecurity in an increasingly connected world. By leveraging a range of security solutions tailored to product type, deployment mode, organization size, and vertical needs, businesses can strengthen their security posture and mitigate the risks posed by cyber threats. The competitive landscape shaped by key market players highlights the importance of investing in advanced security technologies to safeguard critical assets and maintain trust with customers and stakeholders in the digital age.The global security and vulnerability management market is currently experiencing substantial growth due to the escalating complexity and frequency of cyber threats across various industries. As organizations continue to digitalize their operations and expand their network infrastructure, the need for robust security solutions to detect, prevent, and respond to vulnerabilities is becoming increasingly critical. The market segmentation based on product type plays a vital role in highlighting the diverse range of solutions available to organizations. Solutions such as vulnerability assessment, intrusion detection systems, firewalls, antivirus software, and others cater to different security requirements and operational needs of businesses. This segmentation enables organizations to choose the most suitable solutions to enhance their cybersecurity posture effectively.

The deployment mode segmentation, which focuses on on-premises and cloud-based solutions, mirrors the evolving cybersecurity landscape. While cloud-based solutions offer advantages such as scalability, flexibility, and accessibility, on-premises deployment remains popular among industries with strict data privacy and security concerns. Moreover, the segmentation by organization size recognizes the distinct security challenges faced by small and medium-sized enterprises (SMEs) and large enterprises. SMEs typically prioritize cost-effective and user-friendly solutions, while large enterprises require comprehensive and scalable systems to secure their extensive networks and sensitive data effectively.

Vertical segmentation is crucial in understanding the tailored security needs of various industry sectors. The IT and telecom, healthcare, BFSI, government and defense, retail, and other sectors each have unique security compliance regulations and vulnerabilities that must be addressed. Organizations in these verticals are continuously seeking specialized security solutions to protect their digital assets and customer information from cyber threats. Market players such as IBM Corporation, Symantec Corporation, Cisco Systems, Inc., Qualys, Inc., and McAfee, LLC, offer a wide range of security products and services tailored to meet the specific needs of different industry verticals.

IBM Corporation stands out in the market with its diverse portfolio of security products and services, including QRadar SIEM and Managed Security Services, catering to the evolving security needs of organizations. Symantec Corporation focuses on providing solutions like Endpoint Protection and Data Loss Prevention to address the varying security requirements across sectors. Cisco Systems, Inc. is known for its innovative security solutions such as Cisco SecureX and Advanced Malware Protection, enabling businesses to enhance their cybersecurity defenses effectively. Qualys, Inc. specializes in cloud-based security and compliance solutions, offering services like Vulnerability Management and Threat Protection. McAfee, LLC delivers comprehensive security solutions like McAfee Total Protection and Network Security Platform, safeguarding businesses against cyber threats effectively.

In conclusion, the global security and vulnerability management market is poised for continuous growth as businesses prioritize cybersecurity in an interconnected world. By leveraging a variety of security solutions tailored to their specific needs, organizations can bolster their security posture and mitigate the risks posed by cyber threats effectively. The competitive landscape shaped by key market players underscores the significance of investing in advanced security technologies to safeguard critical assets and maintain trust with customers and stakeholders in the digital age.

The market is highly fragmented, with a mix of global and regional players competing for market share. To Learn More About the Global Trends Impacting the Future of Top 10 Companies in Security and Vulnerability Management Market :   https://www.databridgemarketresearch.com/reports/global-security-and-vulnerability-management-market/companies

Key Questions Answered by the Global Security and Vulnerability Management Market Report:

What is the current state of the Security and Vulnerability Management Market, and how has it evolved?

What are the key drivers behind the growth of the Security and Vulnerability Management Market?

What challenges and barriers do businesses in the Security and Vulnerability Management Market face?

How are technological innovations impacting the Security and Vulnerability Management Market?

What emerging trends and opportunities should businesses be aware of in the Security and Vulnerability Management Market?

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[managedclouddc]

https://www.esds.co.in/blog/managed-security-service-provider-mssp/

[kbwrites]

“Who did this to you?” A deep voice echoes, vibrating around the walls of the throne room. On the opulent throne sits the owner of the baritone voice — Ryomen Sukuna. The king of curses, resting his head on his arm as he looks down at you, too scared to look up from your feet.

“I don’t like repeating myself.” He warns, your body hasn’t ceased shaking. Your uniform is tattered, the rips in the fabric revealing deep purple bruises. Uraume was the one that found you, unconscious in the butlers pantry. After waking you up they brought you to the throne room. So there you were, kneeling at the feet of your king.

You arrived to the estate a year ago, your life as a servant was agreeable. Lord Sukuna treated all his servants well. You were loyal, efficient and pleasant to look at, it was only a matter of time before he started to notice you.

At first he requested you be the one to serve him breakfast. Then it became lunch, and suddenly you tended to all his meals. He demanded you for everything, his bathing, dressing. He could do all of these things himself of course, but he prefered your gentle hands. His personal attendant, not even Uraume, had seen the king of curses at his most vulnerable... but you had bared witness to all of him.

“Fine, if you won’t tell me who. Then why?” Ryomen slowly rises from his throne, his looming figure towering over your kneeling body. He lowers himself to your level, one hand reaches down to lift your chin. Firm yet gentle he forces you to look up at him, your eyes meeting his red ones. Your once flawless skin is covered in bruises. His eyes darken.

“They t-think you favor me.” Is all you can manage to get out.

Word spreads around the estate of course. And plus Sukuna didn’t exactly hide his preference for you. You didn’t sleep with the rest of the help, you were given a room connected to his. ‘In case he requested your presence in the night’ but the reality was he slept better knowing you were near. You didn’t eat the servant food, you dined in the great hall. At a separate table he had made for you. All of these things on full display for the others to see, it wasn’t long before the insults started. At first it was the odd ‘slut’ or ‘whore’ being mumbled in passing. Then an accidental shove into the wall, always followed by a curt “sorry”.

But today? It was your birthday. You had only mentioned it to Ryomen in passing one day at breakfast. He never understood the need for such a useless celebration. You went about your duties for the day, when Uraume found you and handed you a small box. And there on display for everyone to see, a beautiful beaded bracelet made from polished cherry wood. A token of appreciation ‘for your hard work’.

A gift from the king of curses.

“What’s so great about you anyway?”

“Lord Sukuna’s bed-warmer gets everything she wants!”

They punched and kicked, throwing you into the pantry. The group of servants you once thought of as your family. Clouded by jealousy, hatred towards you — the lord’s favorite.

Ryomen Sukuna, the epitome of ruthlessness and malevolence, softens his gaze. He looks upon your trembling form with… pity? His moment of weakness is replaced by an unreadable expression.

“You have been relieved of your servant duties. You will stay here in my quarters from here on out.” It’s a demand, leaving no room for objection. Your eyes well up with tears looking up at your king, his other hand wipes them away. He rises, walking towards the door, his back facing you.

“Get up. Uraume will tend to your injuries. Once you are well, we will visit the servant’s quarters. You will point out those who laid their filthy hands on you, and I will kill them.”

part 2 out now!!

[odorefal]

◟♡ ˒ ʾʾ sukuna ryomen wasn’t used to feeling guilty, but the moment he saw the hurt flash in your eyes when you guys got into a pretty heated argument, he knew he had taken things too far.

the way his own sharp tongue had driven you to silence.

you made him weak. he had always thought vulnerability was pathetic, yet here he was, fists clenched as he watched you step away, regretting every sharp word he had thrown at you.

he vowed to never let those pathetic tears clouding your eyes ever again.

the sight of you curled beneath the blanket, your shoulders trembling with suppressed sobs, made him pause. sukuna’s brows drew together as he opened his mouth, but the words failed him.

his pride made it difficult, but eventually, he managed to whisper, “i didn’t mean it.” the raw sincerity in his voice was enough to make your heart ache. however, your fingers toyed with the hem of your sleeve, any excuse to ignore the weight of his presence beside you.

when you refused to look at him, he simply grabbed you and settled you into his lap, resting his chin on your head with a quiet sigh and shifted, pressing you flush against his chest, the steady thump of his heartbeat pulsed under your touch.

his fingers twitched at his sides before he hesitantly reached out, brushing a stray tear from your cheek with his thumb, his usual arrogance nowhere to be found.

finally, he muttered, “...i shouldn’t have said that,” voice low but sincere. another sighed and he leaned in, pressing a firm yet lingering kiss to your forehead. his palm remained on your waist, as though savoring the contact

sukuna didn’t say anything. he just looked at you — eyes laced with regret and a depth of emotion words could never capture.

sukuna had held many things in his life — power, destruction, fear. but this? this quiet, fragile thing between you, where silence spoke louder than words, where his grip on you felt more like an anchor than a restraint; this was something else entirely.

and for once, he didn’t know whether to embrace it or run from it. by silently saying, i don’t want to lose you.

after cupping your face and pressing a lingering kiss against your lips, sukuna’s voice dropped to a low murmur, rough yet laced with something almost uncertain.

“does this mean i'm forgiven?”

it wasn’t teasing, nor was it smug; just quiet, almost reluctant, as if he wasn’t sure he deserved it.

“no,” you replied with a cheeky grin.

“tch. brat.” his grip on your face tightened slightly; not enough to hurt, just enough to remind you who you were dealing with. then, without warning, he kissed you again, deeper this time, as if daring you to say it again.

when he pulled back, a smirk tugged at the corner of his lips. “try saying that again, darling.”

[stldigital]

The Impact of Technology on Drug Development

Embarking on the journey of drug development is akin to navigating a complex maze filled with both challenges and breakthroughs. It presents hurdles that demand innovative solutions while holding the promise of transforming healthcare as we know it. There are chances of a high failure rate, the timelines are arduous and extensive financial investments are required. That is why the intervention of technology in drug development is required. 

Amidst the challenges, there exists a realm of advancements reshaping the drug development landscape. Technologies like Artificial Intelligence (AI), High-Throughput Screening (HTS) and gene editing techniques, such as CRISPR/Cas9, hold immense potential for developing gene therapies and personalized medicine solutions. Nanotechnology facilitates targeted drug delivery, enhancing efficacy while minimizing side effects. Meanwhile, 3D printing, specifically bioprinting, enables the creation of human tissue models for personalized testing, reducing reliance on traditional animal models.

The History of Technology in Drug Development

Acknowledging the historical context, the role of technology in drug development has always been pivotal, evolving from early tools like microscopes to contemporary innovations such as genomics and robotics. Its influence spans across crucial stages:

Target identification and validation: Understanding disease pathogenesis at the molecular level enables the development of drugs that precisely interact with the underlying mechanisms.

Drug discovery: Technologies like HTS and AI streamline the identification of potential drug candidates from extensive libraries of molecules.

Preclinical testing: In vitro and in vivo models, empowered by technology, allow researchers to assess drug efficacy and safety before advancing to human trials.

Clinical trials: Electronic health records and advanced data analysis tools contribute to monitoring patient outcomes and optimizing trial design.

Manufacturing and production: Automated processes ensure consistent and efficient drug production, adhering to stringent quality and safety standards.

Seeing today’s immense data computational requirements, many companies are supporting medical researchers and healthcare experts in developing innovative medical solutions using technology. In July 2021, NVIDIA launched the Cambridge-1, the UK’s most powerful supercomputer, designed for research in healthcare and AI (Source).

Streamlining Clinical Trials with Technology: Faster, Better, More Accessible

Clinical trials, the gateway to new and lifesaving treatments, can be long, expensive, and cumbersome. Thankfully, technology in drug development is stepping in to streamline the process, making it faster, more efficient, and accessible to a wider range of participants. Here’s how:

Decentralized Trials

Gone are the days of requiring participants to travel to centralized research sites. Telemedicine, wearables, and mobile apps are enabling decentralized trials, where participants can participate remotely. This increases geographical reach, improves diversity in trial populations, and reduces the burden on participants.

Data Capture and Analysis

Electronic data capture (EDC) systems eliminate manual data entry, minimizing errors and streamlining data collection. Real-time data analysis allows researchers to monitor progress, identify trends, and make informed decisions faster. Advanced analytics tools like AI and machine learning can even predict potential issues and suggest course corrections.

Enhanced Communication and Engagement

Interactive platforms and mobile apps keep participants informed and engaged throughout the trial. They can easily ask questions, report side effects, and access study materials, leading to better adherence and improved data quality.

Virtual Reality and Simulation

VR technology can be used to train clinical trial staff, simulate clinical scenarios, and even conduct certain patient assessments remotely. This saves time and resources, while potentially improving the quality of training and assessments.

The Impact on Speed and Efficiency

Advancements in technology in drug development are bringing significant benefits to the process. Streamlined processes and remote participation can shorten trial timelines by months or even years. Decentralization and technology-driven automation can significantly reduce trial costs, making them more feasible for smaller companies and less common diseases.

Moreover, real-time monitoring and accurate data capture lead to higher-quality data, reducing the risk of errors and delays in analysis. Decentralized trials also make participation more accessible for geographically diverse populations and those with limited mobility.

In addition, analyzing vast datasets and identifying hidden patterns can lead to the discovery of new therapeutic targets and previously unknown disease mechanisms, paving the way for innovative treatment approaches.

However, some challenges and considerations remain with the increasing use of technology in drug development.

Ethical Concerns: Ensuring equitable access to new treatments and mitigating biases in AI algorithms are crucial ethical considerations.

Regulatory Adaptations: Regulatory bodies need to adapt to keep pace with technological advancements while maintaining rigorous safety standards.

Digital Divide: Unequal access to technology can exacerbate existing healthcare disparities and exclude certain populations from clinical trials.

Data Privacy and Security: Robust cybersecurity measures are crucial to protect sensitive patient data from breaches and misuse.

Despite these challenges, the future of clinical trials is undoubtedly intertwined with technology. By harnessing its potential, we can accelerate the development of life-changing treatments, making them accessible to more people sooner.

What Does the Future Hold?

As technology continues to advance, we can expect to see trends like (Source: McKinsey & Company):

Rise of Quantum Computing: Simulating complex drug-cell interactions and accelerating materials discovery for revolutionary new drugs.

Advanced Robotics and Automation: Further automating laboratory processes and robotic surgery for enhanced precision and efficiency.

Bioprinted Tissues and Organs: Testing drugs on 3D-printed human tissues and organs for more accurate preclinical assessment.

Enhanced Gene Editing: Precise gene editing therapies for complex genetic diseases and personalized medicine.

Nanomedicine: Delivering drugs directly to diseased cells, minimizing side effects and maximizing efficacy.

The Verdict

Overall, the impact of technology in drug development is undeniably transformative. While challenges remain, the potential for faster, more effective, and personalized treatments is immense. The increased penetration of technology in the drug development procedure is bound to bolster the speed of delivering effective treatments for diseases old and new.

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[darkbluekies]

OOOO THE SLEEPING THING IS SUCH A GOOD DRABBLE/REACTION IDEAAA

The yanderes or Silas reacting to darling falling asleep in their arms for the first time 👀👀 ( aka first stage of Stockholm syndrome 🥰🥰)

Warnings: Stockholm syndrome, unhealthy relations, mentions of murder

Silas:

It'd be the first time after coming up of the basement that you've fallen asleep in his arms. He would be overjoyed, wouldn't dare to move in fear of waking you up. You fit so perfectly well in his arms. It had taken him such a long time to get here. The one that dared to interrupt would be shot dead, and their corpse burned.

"Such a sweetheart, aren't you? You must be a very unlucky person since you're able to control my heart like this. Poor little thing, but don't you worry, misfortunes wouldn't dare touch you as long as I am here."

Dr Kry:

He wouldn't be able to believe it. He had sat down beside you on the bed to read you a story, and you had fallen asleep against his shoulder. You had been so mad at him these last few days after witnessing things he didn't want to show you, and now you had fallen asleep on him. His mind would go blank.

"You must be really exhausted if you even fall asleep on me. Sleep for as long as you like. I'll still be here. Always."

King Edmund:

He doesn't know how, doesn't know why, but you've fallen asleep in his arms for the first time since the massacre in the ballroom. He grins widely and looks at the maids in the room — "told you I'd manage to do it". would tighten his embrace.

"That's right, Y/N, this is your righteous place. Good that you've finally got that through your head. In my arms, nothing can touch you."

Jerry:

She would not be able to take her eyes off of you. It'd be the first time she would be able to look at you at this close of a distance. She'd let your head rest on her chest as she ran her hands through your hair, letting her nails scratch at your scalp.

"If I didn't know you better, I'd thought that you were comfy. But you wouldn't be stupid enough to let your guard down around me, would you? Stupid."

Hedwig:

Shed be on cloud nine. You feel comfortable enough to show her your most vulnerable side? What has she done to deserve such a thing? Hedwig would hold you tightly and hush every time you'd move, terrified to let the blissful moment end.

"Sleep, my love, sleep for as long as you want. You're safe. God, you're so cute. I think I'll explode."

[full-stackmobiledeveloper]

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[latenightreadingpdf]

A Hufflepuff's Heart - Regulus Black

₊‧⁺˖⋆ Masterlist ⋆˖⁺‧₊

Summary: Regulus Black’s unexpected friendship with a sweet Hufflepuff is revealed when Sirius catches them together.

⋆˖⁺‧₊☽◯☾₊‧⁺˖⋆

The air in the castle was brisk, the cool draft weaving through the stone corridors and carrying with it the faint scent of autumn leaves and freshly lit torches. Regulus pulled his cloak a little tighter around his shoulders, his mind preoccupied with the latest round of pranks that had once again targeted Slytherin House. It wasn’t hard to guess who was responsible—his brother Sirius’s handiwork was as familiar as it was aggravating. Regulus could almost predict the moment Sirius would appear, armed with a smirk and a taunt, ready to test his patience yet again.

Sure enough, as Regulus turned the corner, Sirius was waiting there, arms crossed, looking entirely too pleased with himself.

“Ah, Regulus,” Sirius drawled, that irritatingly self-satisfied smile tugging at his lips. “How’s my favorite Slytherin?”

Regulus forced himself to remain calm, carefully keeping his expression neutral, planning to just walk right past his brother.

Sirius’s grin widened, undeterred. “I take it you noticed the common room… enhancement? Thought the emerald and silver scheme could use a bit of sparkle.”

Regulus rolled his eyes, the irritation flaring up despite his attempts to stay indifferent. “If you’re going to make yourself a nuisance, at least have the decency to make it subtle.”

“Oh, subtlety is no fun, Reg,” Sirius replied easily, leaning back against the wall, his eyes glinting with mischief. “Besides, it’s not as if you’re incapable of a bit of rule-breaking yourself. Don’t think I don’t know about those after-hours trips to the library—”

“Sirius,” Regulus interrupted sharply, his voice low but firm. “I’m not interested in discussing my nightly habits with you.”

Before Sirius could fire back, the sound of footsteps echoed down the corridor, followed by a familiar, bright voice that cut through the tension like sunlight breaking through clouds.

“Reggy!”

Both brothers turned to see you striding towards them, your Hufflepuff robes swishing as you approached, your face lighting up with a smile that was warm enough to melt even the most stubborn winter chill. Regulus’s expression softened instantly, his usual guarded look replaced by something more open, more vulnerable.

Without a second thought, you walked right up to Regulus and wrapped your arms around his neck, pulling him into a hug. He stiffened for a heartbeat, caught off guard by your sudden affection, but quickly melted into the embrace, his arms coming up to hold you close.

“Hey,” you said softly, pulling back just enough to look at him, your eyes filled with warmth and a hint of concern. “How have you been?”

“I’m… good,” Regulus replied, his voice softer than usual, almost as if he were afraid of breaking the spell your presence cast. A small, genuine smile tugged at his lips, a rare sight that seemed reserved only for you.

As you finally pulled back, still standing close to him, you seemed to notice Sirius for the first time, your gaze shifting over to the older Black brother with a look of surprise. A polite, curious smile flickered across your face as you gave him a small wave.

“Oh, hi! I didn’t realize there was anyone else here. I’m Y/N,” you said, introducing yourself in that sweet, open way that Regulus had come to adore.

Sirius raised his eyebrows, looking you up and down as if trying to solve a riddle. He offered a nod, his grin softening into something more curious, though he said nothing in reply. For once, Sirius Black seemed to be at a loss for words. There was something he couldn’t quite place about you—a gentleness, a warmth—that seemed so at odds with the icy walls Regulus usually built around himself. It was strange, almost impossible to imagine someone so kind being so close to his guarded, distant brother.

After a moment, Sirius managed a slight smile, finally extending his hand to you. "Sirius Black,” he introduced himself, his tone curious, though he kept his usual charm restrained. “Regulus’s… older brother.”

You took his hand, returning his smile with a polite one of your own. “Oh! It’s nice to meet you,” you replied, a hint of surprise in your voice. You turned back to Regulus, seemingly oblivious to Sirius’s scrutiny. “I had no idea you had a brother, Reggy!” you said with a laugh, your eyes shining with amusement. “You keep him quite the secret.”

Regulus shifted, his hand instinctively tightening around your shoulder. He’d dreaded this moment for so long, the day you would meet Sirius, the brother who seemed to draw people in without effort, who everyone adored and admired. Regulus had always felt invisible in his shadow, the “other” Black brother, colder and quieter, always on the outside looking in. But you had seen him—you had seen past the walls, the carefully constructed mask, and found something worth holding onto. And he couldn’t bear the thought of sharing that with Sirius, of watching you get pulled into his brother’s orbit and realizing he could never be what Sirius was.

Sirius, still watching silently, caught the faint, possessive gesture, the way Regulus seemed to pull you closer as if trying to keep you all to himself. His expression flickered with something unreadable, a mixture of curiosity and something softer, something he hadn’t expected to feel. Seeing Regulus with you—seeing his younger brother so fiercely protective of this rare connection—stirred something in him, a strange pang of almost… respect.

The silence stretched, and you shifted slightly, glancing between the two brothers as if sensing the tension, though you didn’t seem to mind. Instead, you gave Sirius a warm, friendly smile before turning back to Regulus, your hand reaching for his as you gave it a gentle squeeze.

“Well, Reggy and I should get going,” you said softly, looking up at him. “We’ve got some homework to catch up on.”

Regulus’s gaze softened at the touch, and he nodded, his lips curving into that faint, private smile that he reserved only for you. “Yes, we should.”

With a final nod toward Sirius, Regulus gently guided you down the hallway, his arm draped protectively over your shoulders. He glanced back once, catching Sirius’s gaze, and for a fleeting moment, the brothers shared a look of understanding—a silent acknowledgment, a truce of sorts. Sirius watched as you walked away together, his brow furrowed in thought, his mind turning over the strange puzzle of his brother and his unlikely friend.

How did someone as kind, as open-hearted as you manage to find your way into the life of someone as complex and withdrawn as Regulus? Sirius couldn’t understand it, couldn’t fathom what had drawn you to his quiet, brooding brother. But as he watched the two of you disappear down the corridor, he felt a spark of hope, a rare flicker of warmth in the cold, stone-cast walls of the castle.

Maybe Regulus had found something Sirius had never truly understood—a genuine connection that didn’t rely on charm or bravado, but on something softer, something real.

⋆˖⁺‧₊☽◯☾₊‧⁺˖⋆

[aventurineswife]

Hihiii !!

may i request a Phainon x reader where as hes using his ult form whilst in battle, the reader gets injured (it can be anything !! like a broken ankle or they sprained their wrist handling their weapon) and Phainon insists on carrying them either still in battle even still in his ult form or after he finished obliterating the opponents that caused the injury in the first place? I dunno, but surprise me ! !(^o^)!

Feel free to ignore this if you don't want to write it, and take care of yourself!!! 🫶

A Sovereign’s Vow

Summary: During a fierce battle in the Okhema Wastes, you suffer a sudden injury that leaves you vulnerable on the battlefield. As chaos erupts around you, Phainon unleashes his ultimate form—Demiurge—becoming a celestial embodiment of light and shadow. After obliterating the enemies responsible, he finds you and insists on carrying you to safety, revealing the quiet, unwavering depth of his devotion beneath his godlike power. Between divinity and vulnerability, a bond between you shines through.

Tags: Phainon x Reader, Hurt/Comfort, Battle Scene, Injured Reader, Protective Phainon, Demiurge/Ult Form, Soft!Phainon, Carrying Scene, Divine Imagery, Mutual Care, Romantic Tension, Fluff Amidst Chaos.

Warnings: Battle violence (non-graphic but intense atmosphere), Injury (sprained/broken ankle, mild pain described), Supernatural combat themes, Mild language, Emotional intensity / power imbalance themes.

A/N: HE'S BARELY OUT Y'ALL!!! 😭🙏

The air cracked with celestial energy.

Swords clashed with shadow as Phainon's Demiurge form illuminated the battlefield. One half of him burned like the heart of a star—golden and searing—while the other whispered with the void, wings of shadow curling like smoke around his form. Every movement he made carved silence into the chaos, obliterating the Titanspawn that had broken through the city walls.

And then you screamed.

You hadn't meant to—gods, you never wanted to be a distraction—but the wrong pivot, the weight of your blade, and a cruelly placed fragment of rubble wrenched your ankle at a sickening angle. You hit the ground hard, dust clouding your vision, fingers scrabbling at the uneven stone. Pain radiated up your leg, white-hot and pulsing.

Your weapon skittered a few feet away. Useless.

But they were coming. The ones who had flanked you—the Strife-bound, writhing with corrupted energy—were closing in, their snarls a cruel melody above the thunder of war.

And then everything stopped.

A wave of divine pressure swept the field. The enemies froze—not from fear, but from raw, oppressive awe.

Phainon landed between you and them in a shock of light and shadow, the impact fracturing the ground in a radiant burst. He didn’t speak. He didn’t have to.

The next instant was a blur of annihilation.

Golden strikes that flared like sunfire tore through flesh and metal, while sweeping arcs of indigo carved silence where once stood fury. He moved like a deity who had forgotten mercy—a perfect storm of power and purpose.

And then, only the wind remained.

You winced, trying to rise.

“Don’t,” came his voice—ethereal and layered now, like it echoed from both heavens and abyss.

You blinked up through the dust. Phainon stood before you in his Demiurge form, radiant and terrifying. Yet when his eyes met yours, they softened. Still piercing, but grounding. Still divine, but real.

“I told you not to push yourself alone,” he murmured, kneeling.

“I—I didn’t mean to—” you stammered, guilt washing over you.

He silenced you with a look. “You’re hurt. That’s all that matters right now.”

You tried again to stand, but he reached out—carefully, reverently—and scooped you into his arms. Even in this form, his touch was gentle, warm where the golden armor brushed your skin, cool and comforting where the indigo embraced you like dusk.

“You’re still glowing,” you said softly, half-laughing through the pain. “You’re going to blind me.”

“And yet, you still manage to tease me.”

You rested your head against his shoulder as he rose into the sky, wings of shadow fanning out, the halo above him casting ripples across the clouds. His long coattails flowed like a royal banner, divine and defiant.

“You came for me,” you whispered, eyes fluttering shut.

“I always will,” he replied, voice a harmony of solemn vow and unspoken ache. “Even if I have to burn the stars and shadow the sun.”

As he carried you beyond the broken field, his power receded slowly—but he never let you go.

Not through the pain.

Not through the silence.

Not even when the battle ended.

[dyingswanpavlova]

"Your girl" - Part 20 | The Salesman x Reader

Summary: His punishment is less of a punishment and more something like your greatest fear. Your jealousy gets worse and you're almost sure - What you once had, is lost. It has to be. And you're alone again.

Warnings: dead dove do not eat, kidnapping, mentions of sexual abuse and other traumatic events in the past, numbness, helplessness, violence, threatening, mentions of blood, mentions of murder and rape, body issues, trauma talk, stockholm syndrome, forced relationship, unhealthy relationship, depression, manipulation, mentions of sexual activities and desires, mentions of pregnancy/pregnancy issues, loneliness, isolation, jealousy, our girl is dying without him, not beta-read, if I've missed any please tell me! mdni 18+!

"Your girl" - The Salesman x Reader Masterlist

Loving him wasn’t hard.

In fact, it got easier with each day. Each day which he drew further away from you, your own longing grew.

It was more than that  - it was a painful ache in your chest, a biblical yearning for something that was far more complicated than your comprehension could manage to pick up on.

He was yours.

And he was slowly slipping through your fingers.

You knew when it had started – it was obvious. The crack in the façade, nothing more than a word you didn’t mean, a phrase you threw at him, before you could stop yourself.

And yet, you didn’t know if that was truly the moment.

His eyes brought the greatest change in the shortest amount of time. The way they stayed dark and distant, no matter the pained glances you shot him – that was when you realized it. Something had changed and it would change further.

Your loneliness came back tenfold. It was worse, far worse, now that you knew what it felt like to be held.

To be loved.

The way he ignored you was unlike the first time he did it. He didn’t directly reject your advances, he didn’t stay silent this time. His voice was there, like a soft cloud enveloping you, but it lost its warmth. Just like his eyes lost their sparkle.

He was angry. You saw the anger, scratching at the surface, waiting for a moment to pierce through the painful distance between you. But so far? It never did.

And oh, how you would have preferred if it did.

The days got longer. And so did his work times. You couldn’t tell if that was because of what had happened between you or if maybe it was simply, truly just his work. But whatever it was, you had that silent fear in the back of your mind, quietly prodding, always expecting the thought to re-surface.

He met someone else.

The voice was as soft, as it was cruel. You couldn’t tell if it was your mother’s or your own. Whoever it was, it was no less painful. The thought of it alone was enough to make you go sick with jealousy. What if it was true? What if his long evenings, his early outings meant exactly that?

What if there was someone?

Someone who was ready to be everything he ever wanted?

Someone who didn’t doubt him.

Your heart clenched painfully in your chest and you doubled over on the couch, hiding your face against your knees. A few minutes ago it had been close to two in the morning. He had never before stayed out so long, never. Normally, it seemed to you, he made his way back to you as fast as he could. He was like a man starved, starved for your touch, for your attention. Even if he wouldn’t admit it, you could also tell how he reveled in your kindness. In your gentleness. Sometimes, he’d rest his head on your thigh, eyes closed and his lips parted in a soft sigh, as your fingers gently played with his hair and massaged his scalp. He didn’t allow it often, but when he did, he was vulnerable. It was a quiet understanding between the two of you. He didn’t give up his control entirely, not ever, but you got close. Close to the thin line that lingered between his need to dominate you at all times and his quiet desire to let loose every once in a while.

And now?

Now he was still out. Working.

And you still had no clue what the hell he was actually doing.

All you wanted was a name. A hint. Anything that proved to you that he was yours as much as you were his. You didn’t need a phone, didn’t need a chip to open the door, didn’t need anything besides him. The thought of being with someone else was repulsive to you. It had taken you so long to open up to him and nothing had ever changed it. Not the pain he caused you, not the fact that he played you like a puppet, pulling the strings of your life. In fact, the thought even brought you some comfort. You knew it was wrong, but you couldn’t help yourself.

Someone. Someone on the other side of the world cared about you enough to do all this. The things he did, the things had to endure. And now you were here.

His.

Irrevocable. Inevitable.

You were his.

But a part of you, a quiet part of your mind which feared his rejection more than death itself, was uncertain. Was he yours? Was he still yours?

No, he didn’t outright ignore you. He kept asking about your condition, he still brought you your breakfast. But his glances got rarer. His touches accidental. And his warmth vanished.

He also didn’t outright leave your bed. It was still yours, still his. Sometimes you’d watch him in the middle of the night as he lay deep asleep, curled up on the other side, his arms outstretched, his expression peaceful. But he didn’t reach for you. Every brush of your hand against his, every touch was initiated by you. And at some point, you stopped. You couldn’t.

You felt like a burden. You felt pathetic running after him, practically begging for his attention, for his affection. Sometimes he gave in, other times he rolled over, pretending to be too deep asleep. But you knew the truth. He was angry. Most likely he was hurt. And now you were, too.

It happened out of your control. The way he fell asleep on the sofa more often than not. You found yourself forced to go back to your bedroom on your own, lying awake for what felt like all night, until your exhaustion eventually caught up. You still felt sick. Pasta was disgusting. But the exhaustion was worse.

Many times you’d fall asleep before he even came home, so you couldn’t really tell when that was. Other times, when you got really unlucky, sleep wouldn’t find you, no matter what you did. Just like that night.

You sat trapped on the sofa, unable to grasp the essence of the situation. What had happened? What had gone so incredibly wrong?

Was one damn mistake really enough to shatter everything, to shatter the love he claimed to feel for you?

He only kept you around because of the child. You didn’t want to have such thoughts, but you couldn’t help it. That was exactly what it felt like. There was no love, let alone passion.

He hadn’t touched you ever since. And you had a feeling he wouldn’t. Ever again.

Your need became unbearable.

Of course you weren’t the most sexual person in the world. Your life had been turned and twisted before you met him and the thought of sex had all but disgusted you – the fantasy was fine. But really doing it? Impossible.

Yet, every brush of his fingers, every kiss against your temple, every breath and every shiver he sent down your spine – every time he took you, either like a gentle lover from a soft, romantic tale or like a man starved and stripped of his composure and control – it all fed into your need. Every memory of every encounter you had with him so far kept playing on repeat in your mind, whenever you lay in that bed alone. Often times you caught yourself staring at him. It wasn’t intended, it was out of your own mind. You sat motionless and watched as he rolled up his sleeves, as he changed his shirt. Every time he undid his belt buckle, something broke inside of you.

He caught on it, of course. He wasn’t an idiot. But he didn’t act on it. Not once.

Sometimes, when your loneliness got to the point of being hopeless and painful, when you heard his quiet breaths from the living room -  you tried. You tried to close your eyes and remember the way it felt to be held by him, loved by him. The way his hot breath felt on your skin. His kisses. His ministrations. And even his anger.

All of it caused your body to go rigid, your thoughts to spiral down a dangerous path. Your hand trailed off every time. Casting a slow way down your chest, lingering between your breasts and going further down, until you finally reached the place where the ache was worst. The warmth, the dampness – it was all there. Sometimes you even went further, bringing yourself to the edge of ecstasy. Every time with only him on your mind.

And then you stopped.

Each time. You stopped.

You couldn’t. It felt like betrayal.

Not, because you weren’t allowed to touch yourself. You were pretty sure he didn’t care about that, maybe he’d even enjoy the thought of it. But to you, it felt like betrayal because you didn’t feel like you deserved it.

You didn’t deserve pleasure. That was what you told yourself.

Not, after you hurt him so badly.

And so you kept lingering somewhere in the middle, somewhere stuck between two worlds. The point where your memories met your reality and caused a storm of hopelessness in your mind and body.

You were so lonely. And slowly, it was breaking you.

You tried to keep yourself grounded. You kept thinking back to the life growing inside of you. He kept taking you to the doctor, lightly holding your hand with every ultrasound. But you could barely even focus on the doctor’s words. You used those rare moments to revel in the way he felt, the way it felt to pretend like nothing had changed.

Like he still belonged to you.

The reality was different. Colder. Endless suffering.

And nothing, not even the prospect of whatever was ahead of you, helped.

The soft sound of the door creaking open made you snap out of your thoughts. Your head perked up almost immediately and you caught sight of him, slowly closing the door behind him and tugging on his tie, a weary look in his eyes. He seemed surprised to see you there, his eyes widening for the briefest moment, but he quickly schooled his expression back into the mask of unyielding distance that he had created between you.

That you had created.

“You shouldn’t be up this late.” He immediately averted his gaze and set his briefcase down. After washing his hands and freeing himself from the confinement of his tie and jacket, he returned to the living room. But he still didn’t look at you, not really.

“Why are you still awake?”

“I was waiting for you.” The sound of your own voice nearly made you flinch. It sounded so hollow, so lifeless. Like your constant sorrow was slowly tearing you apart, slowly turning you into the shell of the human you had always meant to be. Maybe your mother had been right all along. Maybe you were simply unlovable.

At the sound of your choked whisper, his head finally did perk up and he looked at you with a small frown. The redness that marked your eyes, the dark circles. The way you hung draped over the couch like every movement hurt. Which it did.

He released a frustrated sigh. “What were you crying about?” After a beat, he added: “Are you trying to upset the baby on purpose?”

His words sent a painful stab through your chest for two reasons. One being, you loved your child. Despite everything. Despite you not knowing if you even truly knew the real meaning of love. You loved it. And you wouldn’t ever want to cause it any harm. And the other reason…that was far more selfish. You couldn’t help but wonder; is that truly the only reason he cares? Does he truly only care about the child now and is that the only reason I’m still here?

“I-“

“You should go to bed. It’s too late for you. Come on.”

“Please, I-“ Your voice cracked and you were sure, you saw the slightest hint of hesitation in his eyes. He didn’t want to be cruel. It was just in his nature. And you, you had provoked this. “I miss you so terribly.”

As quickly as the softness came, as quickly it was gone again and he scoffed. “I’m right here.”

Your lip quivered and you averted your gaze. “That’s not what I mean.”

He let out a long, exhausted sigh and sat down opposite you, his arms crossed defiantly. “What, then? What is there that’s so hard on you, huh? What makes your life so unbearable?”

That made you frown. Where did he get the notion to mock you in this very moment?

“I never said it’s unbearable. I just said, I missed you. And I meant it.”

He rolled his eyes and something inside of you broke again. He was too far gone. Maybe he…Maybe…

“You don’t love me anymore.” Your voice was no more than a horse whisper, and the hitch in your breath gave way to your tears. The quivering of your lip increased and soon, the dam broke. This weren’t hormones. This was your heart breaking.

You didn’t look at him, so you couldn’t have seen how his eyes softened a fraction.

“Stop being an idiot.” He murmured, but his voice was lacking any real malice. “You’re being dramatic.”

“It’s true.” You said quietly, too exhausted to try and act strong any longer. You felt pathetic, you were pathetic and you didn’t care. You were one lonely night away from feeling like you used to. The way you felt whenever your mother locked the door behind you, leaving you small and alone in the darkness. “You haven’t touched me in weeks. You can’t even look at me. Look me in the eyes and tell me that you still love me.”

His lips pressed into a tight line.

God, he was so handsome. All you wanted was to melt into him. You would have rather perished, died by his hand, than to endure another moment without him.

“You’re being absolutely ridiculous. We have one fight and now I don’t love you anymore? Can’t you see how childish that is?”

You squeezed your eyes shut. No. No, you had done enough damage. One stupid accusation had caused all of this, one idiotic question had driven him so far away from you. You couldn’t ask another one.

But you were sure. If you kept it to yourself a second longer, the ground would split up, casting the way to the eternal flames of purgatory and swallow you whole. That was what it felt like. That was how your fear made you feel.

“Did you meet someone else?”

Your voice was barely audible. It was no more than a faint cry, a pained whimper in the night. God, you had never been this afraid before.

What if there was someone?

What if he would never embrace you again?

What if the man who loved you, the man who did all these things for you, was gone? What if not even the evil twin was left?

You would have endured any punishment. The sound of him cutting your hair sounded delightful, all of a sudden. That meant he was reacting. He cared about you. He saw you. He needed you.

And your hair kept falling into your face all the time anyway.

When you looked up to meet his gaze, you didn’t see the quiet fury you had expected. He didn’t seem angry at all, just…

Confused.

His brows furrowed in a frown. “What?”

“If you did”, you choked out somehow, “I’ll accept it. I’ll find a way to live with it or no – well, it might kill me alright, but that’s fine. I’ll find a way. But I need to know. Please, I need to know. Just let me know, okay? Please, don’t lie to me. Please don’t withdraw, please-“

Your quiet despair quickly turned into something else entirely. Something cold and raw, something that was clawing at your sanity and you didn’t care. A dark force took your mind hostage and suddenly you realized, you were dying.

“I’m sorry.” You cried out, unable to lift your gaze. “I’m sorry for saying that, I’m sorry for ever doubting you, I’m so, so sorry for what I said that day. I know you would never harm me nor the child, I know. I don’t know why I did. I don’t know why I-“

Your breaths came quick, too quick to be properly controlled. You just existed. Melted. Burst.

“You think I met someone? You think I’m fucking someone else?” His voice was low and controlled, with a darkness lingering behind. A darkness only you could see.

“Please don’t be angry with me.” You kept muttering out in your despair, clutching at the cushions. You wanted nothing more than to be able to hold him, have him steady you, but you were afraid. Too afraid of his rejection.

If he’d reject you then, you’d die. You’d simply die.

Would at least death be gentle?

“I’m sorry I asked. I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Please…If you’ll punish me, punish me. I don’t care what you do, I don’t care how much of my hair you cut off. I don’t care how you much you hurt me, okay?! I’m your Hana. I’ll be your Hana for the rest of my life, I’ll be your girl. I’ll be your-“

His grip was sudden, unexpected and firm. And yet you recognized it.

The gentleness.

You inhaled sharply when you felt his hands gently circle your wrists. He turned them in his hands, slowly running his thumbs over the insides.

“Look at me.”

You couldn’t. You were shaking. Too afraid, too…lost.

He used one hand to gently tilt your chin up, giving you no other option than to look at him.

His eyes were serious, so serious, you hadn’t seen him like that in a while. But the cold. The cold was gone.

Not a little, not briefly. Entirely.

Before you knew, he had you wrapped up in his embrace. His strong arms wrapped around you, pulling you into him, into his warmth, his scent, his life.

You let out a startled breath, a quiet sob soaking into his shirt.

And then you broke.

You clung to him like a child, your grip tight and unyielding. It was as though you were trying to melt you into one person and he let you. He let you. He didn’t pull away, didn’t push you and he made no cruel remarks.

He simply held you. Tighter and tighter, until it was bordering on painful.

His hand came up to cradle the back of your head, while the other one ran soothing circles over your back.

“I’m so sorry.” You cried out.

He sighed deeply. “No, darling, no. I’m sorry.”

You froze and pulled your head back, just enough to be able to see his face. “What?”

He nodded, his expression solemn. “I shouldn’t have allowed your words to get to me like that. Deep inside, I knew you didn’t mean it. I should have been there for you. And I’m sorry that I wasn’t.”

“Does that mean-“

“There is no one else.” He said calmly. “I spent the time questioning your little detective. I never…I would never…” He sighed again. “There’s only you for me. Get that in your silly, little head.”

Your lip twitched. It was almost a smile. Almost.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t ever have thought that.”

He leaned back, keeping a firm grip on your shoulders as a lazy smile stretched over his lips. “I had no idea you could get so jealous. That’s…interesting.”

You shot him a dark look. But before you had the time to make another comment, you felt his lips press against your own. You didn’t even manage to close your eyes at first. No. You needed to make sure he was really there. Was it really him? Was this real?

Eventually your eyes did flutter shut, first one, then the other.

And your lips parted to let him in.

The kiss tasted like tears and relief.

The will to live flooded your veins in a way you had felt not often before. His kiss was deep. Bruising. Not gentle, not patient.

And you didn’t mind. No. You needed him. Needed him desperately.

“Fuck.” You breathed out, already half on your way to straddle his lap.

“Wait, wait, wait.” A dark laugh rumbled in his chest as he kept you firmly in place. You whimpered and looked at him with the most pleading look.

“What?”

He leaned back and regarded you with a long, soft look.

“You’re not Hana.” He murmured suddenly. “That’s not your name. And I don’t want that name to come over your lips again.”

Your brows shot up and you froze. “But I just-“

“I know why you said it.” He said calmly. “I understand it. But it doesn’t change anything. It’s just…not your name.”

A shiver ran down your spine, causing goosebumps to break out on your skin.

Did he really say that?

Did he…acknowledge it?

Was it in the past? Was the pain in the past? The uncertainty?

Or was this just a passing flicker of hope, that he might crush the next time you said something he didn’t agree with?

You had no time think about it, because he already had you on you his lap, his tongue parting your lips with the same fervor you felt.

It didn’t matter anyway.

He loved you three times that night.

___________________________________

Tag list 1:

@mitsuki-dreamfree @kpopsmutty69 @heroine-chique @vkeyy @mizuwki @blu-brrys @z0mbi345 @yourpointbreak @ayieayee @freddyzeppsworld @lola11111111 @indifitel6661 @salesmanlover08 @laurenbenoit70 @lalalaa2210 @lila-marshal @auspicious-lilana @0-aubrie0 @lovelyaegyo @theredvelvetbitch @violentbluess @muriels-lover @dorayakissu @eviebuggg @muchwita @ririgy @strxlemon @obsessedwthdilfs @kiwilov3 @misty-q

Author's note: I know I said I wouldn't upload anything, but I guess this was a way of venting my own frustrations somehow. I'm not sure if it helped - I hope you'll like anyway. Thank you all for your sweet and kind words. You make me feel really seen and less lonely. I love you, guys.🤍

Ps. Sorry for the drama. But I'd totally die for that man, if I was her. Am I insane? Probably. But that doesn't change a thing for me.

[starwovenkiss]

Sleep Tight, Soldier

The 5 times you and Kyle accidentally fall asleep next to one another + the 1 time it’s on purpose.

content: female reader, explicit smut (18+ MDNI), slowburn romance, childhood friends to lovers, dual pov, fluff, angst, grief of a loved one,light depictions of PTSD/trauma, emotional vulnerability

word count: 15.2k

a/n: this started as a drabble that quickly spiraled out of control. i don’t know what else to say other than if you read this whole thing, ily ♡

also for anyone doing the math: technically, kyle is canonically 24 in MWII (per Activision) and somehow also 34 (per the game). i’ve decided to split the difference and go with his wiki birthday: 1993. trying to make the canon timeline work gave me a literal migraine and age is just a number. i love him either way.

─ ⋅ ⋅ ⋅ ─── ♡ ─── ⋅ ⋅ ⋅ ── ♡ ─ ⋅ ⋅ ⋅ ───

October 11, 1999 - 01:36 A.M.

Kyle looks up from his football just in time to spot two wide, curious eyes peeking over his backyard fence.

The sun beams down on his back, and he’s still getting used to the fact that he can go outside to practice football whenever he pleases. It was so different from the gray skies that seemed to permanently haunt London in the springtime, so when he looked up at the clouds to examine if the sky could really be that blue, he wasn’t expecting to see a girl with messy hair and a bright smile staring straight at him.

He had known that there was a girl his age who lived next door, had caught small glimpses of you while you went on walks with your parents, but had never had the chance to speak to you until now.

“‘Lo,” he mumbles. He hears his father in his head, guiding him to speak louder and stand up straight so he tries to follow the direction. Tries to appear older than he is at six years old.

“Hello!” You giggle, and suddenly, he sees the rest of you, sitting on the edge of the nearly five-foot fence separating the two backyards. He briefly wonders how you managed to get all the way up there, and if American kids had some sort of superpower climbing skill that British kids just aren’t aware of. Before he can test this theory on his own climbing skills, you’ve already done a crawl-shimmy-jump down the fence and landed with a flair that only a six-year-old could when jumping into a pile of dirt.

He takes the time to examine his new neighbor with the flushed skin and polka dot dress and scraped knees (’no doubt from climbing other kid’s fences,’ he thinks). You’re the picture of Americana, down to the melting red, white, and blue Bomb Pop you carry in one hand and a Barbie in the other. Kyle does notice, a little bitterly, that you are a few inches taller than him.

“What’s your name?” you ask, a toothy smile on display, and Kyle begins to shuffle his feet when he sees your bright grin up close. He fights the urge to turn away, feeling a similar way to when he looks at the sun for too long.

“Kyle. What’s yours?”

You tell him your name, and Kyle smiles. It fits, all sunshine and bubbly, the way you seem to be. Kyle’s about to ask if you want to play when you pause from eating your popsicle to stick a hand on your hip like you’re sizing him up — and Kyle has no idea what you’re looking for.

“You talk weird,” That’s …. not what Kyle was expecting, and is a little ironic. Yes, he does have an accent, but you do whistle while you speak on account of your two missing front teeth.

“No, I don’t,” he argues back.

“Yes, you do,” you determine with that huge smile, seemingly unaware that your insistence is causing his brow to furrow and his fists to clench.

“I do not!” he huffs. He almost stomps his foot, but quickly remembers that he is supposed to be acting more …. grown up in this situation.

You shrug and turn around, taking this as a cue to examine his backyard. You carelessly toss your Barbie next to the side of the fence you landed on, taking in the green grass and tall pine trees that surround the yard.

As you continue to skip around the perimeter of the yard, Kyle takes the time to examine you. He’s never seen someone his age be so sure of themselves, so certain of how everything should be in the world.

“Do you play soccer?” you ask, and it takes Kyle a beat to register what you’re saying, so lost in his thoughts.

“Soccer?” he questions and you point to the ball at his feet like he might be a little stupid.

“You mean, football?” he clarifies, and you laugh, running over to hand him your sticky, melting popsicle.

“See, you do talk weird!” you grin and move to kick the ball from his feet.

Kyle hesitates, heading to the trash to toss the mess you gave him. He shakes his head as he goes. He talks like Mum and Dad, and they don’t sound weird to him. So why would he?

To his amazement, when he turns around, you’re carelessly kicking his football around, chasing after the ball, and sometimes pausing to cartwheel in between as if you’ve forgotten what you’re doing. He’s never seen anyone play so…. wildly.

“What are you doing?” he asks, watching as you skip after the ball.

“Playing soccer!” you smile, and Kyle fights the urge to shake his head again.

“That’s not how you play soccer! You clearly don’t even know what you’re doing,” he says like he’s some expert, so confused by the way you’re running that he doesn’t even notice that he calls it the American name.

“That’s not true. I play on a team with my friends and I was voted best player.” For the first time since meeting you, you don’t have a smile on your face. Your brow furrows and you look at him disappointed. Kyle doesn’t really believe the best player story, but he can sense that he’s on the verge of hurting your feelings so he changes the subject.

“What if we play something else?” he suggests. That seems to appease you and you brighten again, back to the smiley joy he didn’t realize he was already used to.

“Sure! I have my favorite Barbie doll with me, but I don’t know where I put it!” Your brow furrows again as you turn wildly to find where you tossed your Barbie.

It’s at that moment when Kyle steps back to give you some space, he hears a crack that sounds suspiciously like a Mattel doll being fractured in two. Kyle freezes, hoping that if he doesn’t move any further, you won’t notice the fractured Barbie underneath his right cleat.

You turn to him with a glare in your eye.

‘Oh no,’ Kyle thinks to himself.

♡ ♡ ♡

When you open your eyes, Kyle’s nose is about two inches away from yours, and his chest rises and falls slowly and steadily. You cross your eyes to count 35 freckles scattered across his cheeks and chin. Most annoyingly, he is currently cuddled up with your teddy bear that you insisted on bringing to this sleepover.

After a very dramatic Barbie funeral, you reluctantly accepted that Kyle wouldn’t be going back to London (it took stealing your brother’s encyclopedia and two very long conversations with your Mom to understand that you can’t just deport a six-year-old for Barbie homicide - no matter how justified it feels.) So you’ve decided to try and befriend him, mostly because your mother says you have to.

It hasn’t been going well.

Kyle warmed up to you quicker than anyone expected, and somewhere between April and October, the polite British boy you first met was replaced by a full-blown menace.

Every time you try to play house in the backyard, he chases you with frogs. You give him daisy-chain flower crowns; he shoves mud pies into your hands. You want to pick sunflowers, and he’s more interested in running wild with your older brothers and playing “football” as he calls it.

As far as you can tell, Kyle has little to no interest in being your friend, and frankly, you’d be okay if he stayed on his side of the backyard forever.

Which leads you to this predicament.

You two, at another kid’s sleepover, are stuck sharing a sleeping bag, and he is hogging both the blankets.

When one of the other kids forgot their sleeping bag, everyone figured that since you and Kyle were being raised like siblings at this point (and fought like it too), there was really no issue with you two sharing.

You actually had fun for most of the night, painting ghosts and smiley faces on your pumpkin, sneaking extra candy, and laughing with the other kids — until one jumped out from around the corner and tossed a rubber spider on you.

The weirdest part of all is how Kyle had been acting. You had expected him to laugh along with the others when you screamed at the spider, but he pushed the kids aside, mumbling “It’s really not that funny.” before pulling you with him.

After that, he was weirdly nice the rest of the night — he even snuck you the last sugar cookie, even though it was his and you’d already had one.

Despite his kindness earlier, Kyle doesn’t really understand the concept of sharing— at least, not when it comes to sleeping bags — and you watch irritably as he gets more and more comfortable under the blankets as the room gets chillier.

You tug, and he tugs back. And you’re seconds away from losing your mind before he begins to blink, slowly coming to.

“What are you doing?” Kyle asks, rubbing his eyes blearily, and for a moment, you see Kyle as his real age. You know he tries to act older and more mature, a product of his father's upbringing and all, but it’s rare to see him so childish unless he’s tormenting you. You secretly wish he would act more like a kid, even if it means it’s at your expense.

“You kept stealing the blankets,” Both of you aren’t whispering, not really understanding how to be quiet, but you do see another kid turn over and quickly put a hand over Kyle’s mouth.

Kyle looks at you bewildered, and you fight the urge to laugh. When the other kid finally settles, you remove your hand as both of you break out into silent giggles.

He seems to finally notice that he has taken over the entire sleeping bag, and shuffles to give you some more blanket space. His skin burns slightly red as he wordlessly hands you your teddy as well.

”I’m sorry,” You’re not entirely sure what he’s apologizing for, since they’re just blankets and you’re almost 90% sure you probably kicked him in your sleep, but it seems important to Kyle, so you decide to hand him back your teddy bear.

He smiles as he gets comfortable, and soon, his breathing evens out next to you, falling back into those slow and steady rises, and you let yourself relax too.

It wouldn’t kill you to be nice to Kyle for a night, either.

So, you simply pat his shoulder and turn to the other side.

Maybe, just maybe, you didn’t mind Kyle sticking around for a while.

♡ ♡ ♡

July 28, 2005 - 11:42 P.M.

“Kyle.”

That can’t be right. Kyle’s solving an equation he can’t quite remember the formula for. That’s not what confuses him, though. It’s you, sitting next to him like you belong there. He doesn’t understand why since you have language arts when he’s in maths, but there you are, staring at him urgently. He wants to respond and ask why you’re here, but instead, he focuses back on the algebra problem in front of him.

“Kyle!” Your whisper comes across more urgently and he whips his head to you, trying to figure out what it is that you could possibly want. You sound annoyed, which is common in conversations with him, but there’s something more. He feels a slight breeze and wonders why you’re leaning towards him before a blunt punch in the arm jerks him awake.

“Ow,” he groans, squeezing his eyes shut and rubbing at his arm, already sure there’s a bruise here.

“You sleep like the dead,” you respond matter-of-factly, upside down over his head as he wakes up. Kyle knuckles his eyes slightly, trying to adjust to his surroundings, quickly realizing that he’s not actually in his year six maths class, but still at the summer camp your parents shipped you both to every year since you were seven.

“_____,” he hisses, sitting up to look around him. “You’re not even meant to be in here.”

The rest of his cabin mates seem to be asleep, unaware of the girl standing at the edge of his bed in a strictly boys-only cabin, and for a moment he worries that his counselor will walk in and catch you two.

He stands up, ready to walk you out the door until he really looks at you.

Your eyes are glassy, tears streaking your cheeks in the moonlight, and Kyle forgets about getting caught. You’re crying, and that makes his stomach twist worse than any trouble could. He knows that camp had been rough for you this year — your braces are just the latest thing. Every week, Cassidy Shelton finds something new to pick apart.

“What’s wrong?” He asks.

“You’ll laugh at me.”

“I’d never laugh at you.”

“Even when I fell down during the pep rally?” You raise a brow at him, and even though he tries to stop it, he does snicker at the memory. You laugh quietly as well, before rubbing at your cheeks to wipe your tears away, and Kyle’s heart sinks even further.

“C’mon, let’s go for a walk,” He suggests, already grabbing his jacket. He notices you’re holding his blanket, and grabs it to tug you slightly towards him.

“We can’t leave. That’s against the rules,” You hiss, eyes wide with terror. He holds back a laugh, knowing that the two of you are already pushing it with the amount of noise you’re making and someone is bound to wake up soon for a midnight pee or something. Only you would break into a boy’s cabin, breaking the biggest rule of all, but be terrified by a midnight walk.

“No worse than you sneaking into the boys' cabin, is it?” He shrugs, already headed to the door. If it wasn’t for the midnight quiet, he would’ve missed the barely audible whisper of ‘I just wanted to talk to you.’

The darkness in front of you seems to stretch for miles only illuminated by the tiny sliver of the moon above. The earth is slightly damp beneath your feet as you follow Kyle further through the campsite.

You don’t know where Kyle’s taking you, but you trust him — just like you trusted him enough to climb through the window of Cabin B in the first place.

He’s been a constant in your life for the past six years, and you’re unsure where the shift from childhood neighbors turned into tween best friends. You’ve never had to wonder where you stood with Kyle — he just showed up.

Lately, you’ve needed that loyalty more than you’d like to admit.

Cassidy’s been relentless all summer, never far away with a comment or a look. She made fun of your swimsuit during pool day, made a joke about your retainer when the boys were around, and “accidentally” left you out of the cabin photo.

But today, she made sure to taunt you in front of the entire cabin, everyone crowded in the bathroom to get ready for bed.

“The braces help, seriously” she says, brushing out her hair in long, perfect strokes. “At least now you have a feature people will notice before your nose.”

You tense, trying to rush through brushing your teeth so you can crawl into your bunk where she can’t bother you.

“I mean,” she sighs wistfully, like she’s offering life-changing advice. You know better, know that what comes next is nothing but the punchline to one of her cruel jokes. “You’re just so lucky you’re funny. Some guys like that more than looks.”

A few girls snickered, and that had been the final straw. You felt the need for comfort, missing home more than usual and your feet found there way to Kyle like they always did.

There’s a slight breeze that tickles the ends of your hair, and the crickets slowly fade into a melody in the background as you realize that Kyle is leading you toward the lake. You cross your arms at the chill in the air, and Kyle turns to frown down at you. He’s gotten so tall since the beginning of the summer, and you know deep down that he’s happy he no longer has to look up at you anymore.

He stops in front of you, shaking you out of your thoughts as you almost run into him. He sets his blanket down next to the canoe racks, and you smile. The first summer you spent here, you and Kyle had accidentally capsized a canoe after arguing over the correct way to steer. The next day, the counselors made you both sit out, and you spent the whole hour just talking. It’s become one of your favorite spots to hang out at between activities since.

He sits down and looks up at you, eyes searching yours. “Do you want to talk about it?”

You shake your head, already feeling kinda childish and guilty that you had dragged Kyle out of bed to comfort you. He has always seemed so mature, and even now, you feel unsophisticated as you clumsily move to sit down next to him. Where you had been teased and picked on this summer, Kyle seemed to blossom over the past few weeks, breaking records for the fastest time in rock climbing and always being first to be picked in dodgeball.

Everyone wanted to talk to him, and no one seemed to understand why he was always so content to just hang out with you.

Kyle’s silent, and you wish for a second that you could know what’s going on inside his head. You turn to look at him but find that he’s already staring at you, and you both quickly look away.

”Look, you can see Orion tonight.” You look over at him and follow where’s he pointing to the brightest constellation in the sky. He lies down on his back, and you follow his lead, both of you gazing up toward the night sky. “And there’s Andromeda.”

You try to look up to where he’s pointing, but can’t make out the shape. Your hand brushes his as you point upward.

”Where?” you ask, and he grabs your hand, tracing the outline of the shape in the stars. You pause, taking in the fact that you’ve never seen so many at once, before quickly realizing that Kyle is still holding your outstretched hand, and both of your faces burn as he quickly drops it.

”How do you know all this?” Kyle shrugs the best he can while still lying down to your question.

”We learned about it in science class a few months ago, and I thought it was interesting. I read some books from the library, too. They all have these crazy stories behind them. Like Andromeda. She was like…brave or something. And Orion’s a hunter.”

Kyle begins to get excited as he starts to ramble, and you smile. Not only is he great at sports, but he’s also one of the smartest people in your grade, and loves to show off whenever he can.

”That’s Ursa Major, and there’s Ursa Minor. They’re both the bears. And that one’s…. well, I forgot the name, but it’s the prettiest one. And it’s always right there. Like you.” Kyle stops talking so fast it knocks the breath out of you. Your head spins.

You’re not sure what you expected him to say, another fact, maybe a joke, but definitely not that.

You feel Kyle squirm next to you, clearly mortified, and you’re certain that if you turned to him, his face would be flushed from the heat of his unexpected confession - if you could even call it that.

Out of the corner of your eye, you see him trying very hard to keep his gaze fixed on the stars, like maybe if he doesn’t look at you, the words won’t count.

And somehow, that makes you smile.

You’ve never even thought of Kyle that way— sticking to daydreaming about boyband members and teen actors, so you don’t know why your pulse keeps stuttering at his revelation. It’s Kyle, and you know the girls in your grade are already starting to become interested in him, have already started whispering about who he might ask to the seventh-grade dance next year and how they hope it’s them.

You wonder how Cassidy would react if Kyle accidentally compared her to the prettiest constellation in the galaxy.

”You shouldn’t let what they say get to you,” he whispers, and you find that he’s looking at you this time.

”Who?”

”Cassidy and them. I don’t know why you care what they think. You’re way cooler than them.” He stares at you intently, and now it’s you who has to look away, who focuses intently on the constellations above instead of the boy next to you.

”Thanks, Kyle,” you sigh, moving to get more comfortable. All of a sudden, you feel exhausted—the day finally catching up to you. Kyle grabs his jacket, draping it over you.

“You’re way cooler than them too,” you mumble, and from the corner of your eye, you see Kyle smile.

The rippling of the water and the cricket sounds slowly lure the both of you to sleep until the next morning when your counselors find you hidden after spending the past hour freaking out over two missing campers.

You both get dish duty for a week. But at least you’re together.

♡ ♡ ♡

April 7, 2010 - 12:57 A.M.

Kyle feels like his black bow tie is choking him, and for what feels like the thousandth time that night, he tugs at the collar of his tux. He’s not sure if it’s the collar that’s making it hard to breathe, or if it’s just you.

Sweat beads lightly on his forehead as he forces another bright smile under the camera flashes.

”One more! Do not make that face, Kyle! It’s only one more picture. I just can’t believe how big the both of you have gotten,” his mother coos, sentences trailing over one another in her excitement. You’re applying a fresh coat of lip gloss as your mum fixes your gown, and Kyle can’t stop looking.

It’s the night of your senior prom, and Kyle originally had no plans on going. But after your date stood you up, he grabbed the black suit from the back of his closet to accompany you on the night you had been looking forward to for the past year.

And Kyle had always known you were beautiful.

He just didn’t know it could make his chest ache the way it does now.

Up until now, Kyle thought he’d seen you in every outfit imaginable. But the blush pink gown wraps around you like a whisper, like you might break if the wrong hands touch you. His throat dries as your glossy lips catch the light as you press them together to smooth everything out. You seem to glow, an outright supernova that somehow made its way to Earth, a divine cosmic intervention that Kyle could only count himself as lucky to experience.

He knows he’s being dramatic, but when you look over at him, eyes bright and smile wide, he feels like he could write a sonnet about you just like he learned in English.

He makes himself keep his eyes on yours, even as the slit of your gown sways closer with every step. He thinks the lights are making him delirious because he swears you float to him in a cloud of tulle and shimmer.

”Okay, one more, and that will be the last one, Beth,” your mother chides, guiding you to stand next to Kyle. He looks down at you, at how you now barely reach his chin, even in your strappy high heels.

”How much do you want to bet this isn’t the last one?” You mutter under a beaming white smile, and for a second, Kyle sees the same six-year-old who once crawled over his backyard fence.

He shakes his head, pulling you closer to him. It takes everything in him not to breathe you in and hold you tighter.

Kyle hasn’t left your side all night.

Which is normal for Kyle. You two won “Class Inseparables” for a reason, but what isn’t normal is just how clingy he’s being.

Kyle had spent the year making it extremely clear that he didn’t want to go to prom, and while he didn’t outright say it, you know that with the recent death of his father, he’d much rather stay at home and do…… whatever it is that Kyle wants to do.

You had struggled to be there, as he shut you out more and more while dealing with his grief. You blamed yourself for not knowing the right things to say, what to do, and most of all, feeling like nothing you did was ever enough to show him he wasn’t alone. It was just something he had to work through on his own, and you made sure to always be a shoulder for him when he called.

So when your mother found out that your date canceled on you last minute, she spoke to Kyle’s mother, and the both of them decided that it would be good for the two of you to go together — one last adolescent celebration before you two fully entered adulthood.

And although you hate to admit it, they were both right. You couldn’t have imagined spending the night any other way, dragging Kyle through all the cliches of photobooth pictures and slowly dancing to pop songs. His laugh infectious as he clumsily dips you to the floor, almost dropping you in the process.

So when the two of you made it to an afterparty, you were surprised to not see him next to you as you exited the living room barefoot to the backyard deck. Already buzzed on a few drinks, your head pounds to the bass of the song blaring and you welcome the muffled quiet you get as you shut the door behind you, heading to the railing to look up to the sky.

Only a few moments later, you hear the sliding glass door open, and without looking, you know Kyle has found his way back to you.

“I can’t believe this is it,” you whisper, eagerly welcoming the bottle of water Kyle slides your way. He takes a sip from his own, and as you dazedly watch him swallow, you notice that he ditched his bow tie somewhere between the limo and the shot of Smirnoff you took with your friends. The first few buttons of his dress shirt are unbuttoned, and he looks more relaxed than you’ve seen him in a long time.

“What’s it?” He questions, and you smile at his accent creeping through. In addition to class inseparables, Kyle also won the senior superlative for best accent (a category you’re almost certain they created just for him), and to this day, you don’t know how he maintained it despite living in America for most of his life. A part of you thinks it’s due to the yearly trips to England he takes with his family, and another part thinks that it’s just the way it’s meant to be because he wouldn’t be Kyle without it.

“I mean, we’re done. No more high school,” you sigh wistfully. The big decision of ‘what’s next’ seems to loom over everyone’s head as graduation creeps even closer. You had already committed to a college for the fall, but Kyle had kept unusually silent about his decision on what to do next. You tried not to pry, knowing that he was already dealing with more grief than anyone your age ever should, but it worried you that he didn’t have a plan, and a tiny voice in the back of your head won’t stop whispering he’s keeping something from you.

“I thought you, more than anyone, would be glad to be done,” he laughs, taking another sip of his water.

You suppose that’s true, school had never really been your favorite. But the thought of leaving Kyle to go out of state? You’re not sure how to feel about it. He’s always been a fence away, and your hands begin to twitch as you’re suddenly overcome with a weird urge to hold his hand.

You don’t know what to call your feelings for Kyle. If anyone ever insinuates that there could be anything more between you two, you almost immediately deny it. Tell everyone and anyone who can hear that “he’s just a friend, more like one of my brothers than anything else,” but late at night, in the wee hours when you feel the darkness can hide any thought you’re too scared to say aloud, you entertain the idea of ‘what if?’

You had tried - once in ninth grade because everyone said that’s what two people with “chemistry” like yours were supposed to do, but Kyle had too much of a crush on an upperclassman girl to focus on you properly and you had always felt like your “dates” felt too much like hanging out as friends to ever take it seriously.

But now at the cusp of adulthood, you’re beginning to see Kyle as something more, and it terrifies you slightly.

“Of course, I’m happy to be done. But I don’t know what I’m going to do without you next year,” you admit, softly, the truth coming out before you can bottle it back down. “I mean, you’re my best friend, Ky. Promise you’ll come visit me next year?”

Kyle doesn’t look at you, letting out a heavy sigh.

”Of course, I’ll visit. It’s just-” He stops himself, running a heavy hand through his hair, and looking up towards the sky. Your heart begins to beat faster, trying to anticipate what he’s not saying, and for once, you wished Kyle spoke as carelessly as you did instead of watching every word to make sure he never said the wrong thing.

“What is it, Kyle?”

He takes another drink of water, fiddling with the cuffs of his shirt before turning to you with his full attention, staring you deep into your eyes.

”I’m moving back to London at the end of the summer. I’m going to enlist in the military.”

You recoil at that bombshell. You know you shouldn’t be that surprised; Kyle’s dad was in the military himself, and with everything that’s happened, it makes sense that he’d want to follow in his footsteps.

“Why didn’t you tell me sooner?” You hate how selfish you sound, knowing that it’s not about you, and the edges of the room start to blur as you try to catch your breath.

”It was just never the right time, and I couldn’t figure out how. Plus, you were so stressed about college applications that I didn’t want to add that on to everything else you were dealing with.”

You try to see how that logic would make sense to him, but as the timeline catches up to you, you start to realize that you have a little over 100 days until Kyle is almost 4,500 miles away from you.

Your heart begins to beat even faster.

You want to be happy for him — proud, even. Because of course, Kyle would do something so brave and selfless. But your stomach churns as you think about everything he’s still carrying and whether running towards something like this will really let him outrun his grief.

“I think I’m going to be sick,” You murmur, eyes burning as you slide down the railing to sit on the deck.

”Don’t do that, love. You’re going to get your pretty dress all dirty.” You fight the urge to roll your eyes because only Kyle could be focused on the state of your appearance while you’re on the verge of falling apart. “C’mon, let's go inside.”

He leads you through the crowded living room, ignoring the whistles and cheers as he takes you down the hall to find an unoccupied spare bedroom.

As soon as the lock clicks, you lay face down on a scratchy pillow, a violent sob racking your body.

You feel the bed dip as Kyle sits beside you, gently stroking your back until your tears quiet. You wonder if he thinks you’re being melodramatic about this situation, if his leaving is as big a deal to him as it is to you. You count down every moment you two have spent together, and wonder if he’s done the same since he’s decided to enlist, if he’ll cling on to the same memories that you will a year from now.

“I’m going to miss you so much,” you whisper. You don’t want to say it, not wanting to ruin this momentous decision with your own emotions, but you feel him slipping away, and selfishly, you want to hold on as tight as you can without letting go.

“I know this can’t be easy for you either… but I just — God, I don’t know how I’m going to do this without you,” you sniffle slightly.

”I’m going to miss you more, darling,” he whispers back, moving to lay beside you. He cuddles up behind you, holding you tightly, and the comfort of having him near you is enough to calm you down. You lay in silence for a few moments, letting the sounds of the party outside drown out every fear you’re not ready to name.

“Y’know, when we were six, I wanted you to move back to London,” you laugh, and he snorts too.

”Did you? Why was that?” his embrace softens, and you begin to feel quite tired as the heat from his body envelopes you.

”You broke my Barbie and made fun of my ‘football’ skills,” he laughs at the exaggerated posh accent you put on before you continue- ”As far as I was concerned, you were enemy number one.”

“How lucky am I,” he drags, sarcastically. “that I changed your mind to keep me here.”

“I think I’m the lucky one,” you murmur, your voice small now. “Because now I don’t want you to go.”

He stiffens slightly before relaxing into you more.

And just like that on a borrowed bed in your formal wear, you reckon with the fact that this is the last night of your childhood.

You grab Kyle’s hand and drift off to sleep.

♡ ♡ ♡

November 28, 2014 - 3:19 A.M.

Kyle hasn’t seen you in two years, and yet here you are, sitting in front of him in the tiniest black dress he’s ever seen in his entire life.

Both of you are crammed into a booth in a dark, sticky club, and he tells himself it’s the bass of whatever EDM track is rattling the walls that’s making his head spin — not the way your chest presses together when you lean over to grab your drink.

He takes another sip of his own. You’re spending the summer interning at a finance firm in London, and Kyle secretly hopes they’ll offer you a job after graduation — just so you’ll have a reason to stay. Which is how you found yourself out with him and his friends to celebrate their first deployment going so successfully.

They’d started the night at a proper pub; pints, darts, and all — much to your confusion when you showed up like you were headed to a rooftop in Miami.

“What are you wearing?” He asks, eyes scanning over the smokey makeup and sky-high heels that stood outside of the door of his flat. “You do realize we’re going to a pub, yeah? Why the dress?”

“You said we were going to a bar.” You push him to the side since clearly he wasn’t going to move to let you in, and toss the oversized leather jacket you were wearing onto his couch without a second glance. “This is what you wear to bars.”

Kyle’s almost positive he didn’t say that, any American slang, wiped from his vocabulary since moving back to the U.K., and despite growing up together, he still isn’t sure how the two of you manage to miscommunicate.

You turned to him then, lips already pouted, eyes bright with mischief as you looked him up and down.

“What, you don’t like it?”

The problem is Kyle likes what you’re wearing a little too much which is how he found himself in a basement club in central London. You had gotten along well enough with a few friends he made while away, gleefully sharing embarrassing stories with his new military friends (“Kyle, mate, why didn’t you tell us you used to do ballet?” “Piss off, I was like seven.”). So, when you light up at the suggestion of going dancing, staring at him pleading when his friend, Elliott, mentions a club nearby, he grabs his jacket instead of heading home like he wanted, where he’s found himself spending way too much money on drinks and watching how your skin seems to glow under the flickering strobe lights.

You giggle at something Elliott whispers, no doubt a joke at Kyle’s expense, with the way you flash him a wicked grin afterward, and Kyle’s jaw clenches. He takes another sip of his drink as you lick a drop from your lips.

Kyle knows that he needs to stop watching. That soon you’re going to catch on that he’s looking at you in a not-so-friendly way.

But whatever it is, he can’t stop watching the way you move. Can’t stop imagining what it would feel like to pull that dress up around your hips and slide his hands over the skin he’s been dying to touch since you walked through the door.

He tells himself to stop looking and keep his thoughts chaste as you unintentionally pout your lips as you look at him to see why he’s so quiet.

But, fuck, he can’t stop the way he feels.

Like a live wire pulled too tight, every look tossed his way hitting him in his chest. In his gut. Lower.

You were always beautiful, but this — this is different.

Grown. Self-possessed.

Devastating.

You excuse yourself to the bathroom, both men watching as your hips slightly sway as you try to find your balance.

“Jesus, mate. You never said you had a girl like that waiting on you.” Kyle watches Elliott for a moment too long. Watches the way he’s already looking at you like a challenge that he could win you over. He’s seen that same look in almost every guy at this club when they look at you tonight, and his fists clench.

“She’s not my girl. We’re just friends.” A sour taste forms in his mouth as if he’s swallowed something acidic, and he watches Elliott light up at the info.

“Really? Is she seeing anyone? Or keen to be?” Kyle almost chokes at the waggle of Elliott’s brow at the last part. He doesn’t understand why he’s feeling this way, you’ve both dated other people before so this is nothing new, but the thought of you going home with anyone other than him makes his chest hurt.

“Dunno. You’d have to ask her.” Kyle shrugs, but it comes out too sharp, too fast. He swallows hard. It’s not a joke to him anymore. He takes a proper look, assessing the man sitting in front of him. It would never work between you and Elliott, would it? He’s military, too determined, too focused — too much like Kyle. And if you were going to be with somebody — why couldn’t it be Kyle?

“Gonna check on her, yeah?” he murmurs, rising before he thinks better of it. The rest of the drink burns on the way down, but it barely registers. Not over the heat crawling up his spine.

Admittedly, you got a little lost on the way to the bathroom, the three drinks catching up to you all at once. The club pulses and spins around you, lights strobing as the bass vibrates within your bones.

What was supposed to be a quick trip becomes a full lap of the dance floor, and you’re flushed and slightly dizzy when you walk up to the bar to order another Sex on the Beach. You’re halfway leaning over the counter to pass your card when someone drops theirs ahead of you.

The scent hits you before anything else: sharp, clean, with that rich warmth you’d know anywhere. Tom Ford. Kyle’s favorite.

You go still. Heart thudding.

You don’t turn around to look at him yet, suddenly, feeling too warm, too aware of the way your dress clings to your skin, the way your breath stutters in your chest. You tell yourself it’s just Kyle.

But it’s not the same Kyle, is it?

The one standing at the bar is taller now, sharper around the edges, all quiet confidence and serious demeanor. His gaze tracks you like he’s hunting, like he’s already read your next move and is deciding what to do with it.

And then there’s his body.

He’s broader now, chest and shoulders stretching the sleeves of his shirt, arms thick with the kind of strength that isn’t just there for decoration, but for utility and purpose.

Sun-kissed skin, dark mustache, and a lean athletic figure that has enough stamina to go for hours, whether that’s on the battlefield or —.

But the thing you find yourself staring at the most are his hands. What were once smooth are adorned with callouses, each one holding a war story that he’s yet to share. Like they’ve seen battle and want to learn softness now. Like they could leave bruises shaped like constellations on your hips if you asked nicely.

You take a large gulp of your drink like it might drown the thoughts clawing their way through your head. The alcohol burns, but it’s not nearly enough to dull the way your body thrums when Kyle gets even closer.

You turn around, and there he is — smiling dangerously like he’s hyper-aware of what path your thoughts have taken. His voice is a whisper in your ear, low enough to curl straight down your spine.

“Thought you were looking for the bathroom?” he murmurs, and you hate that your first instinct is to lean in like two opposite ends of a magnet.

“Got a little lost,” you say, breathier than you mean to, and take the straw into your mouth again slowly this time, just to see if his eyes drop to your lips again.

They do.

“What are you drinking?” he asks, and you push your cup toward him without thinking.

“Try it,” you say, soft. “It’s all juice and sugar. You probably won’t like it.”

You expect him to grab the cup and tip far from his mouth like he always used to when you were kids, but instead, his fingers skim your jaw, and he catches a drop from the corner of your mouth. You freeze.

Then he brings it to his lips.

“It’s sweet,” he says, slow and deliberate, still watching your mouth. “I like it.”

Your heart punches against your ribs, wild and frantic, and you barely stop yourself from chasing the taste on his lips. You fumble your drink with a clatter, cheeks hot as if you could be any less smooth.

He grins, cocky and all too pleased with himself, and slides in closer, setting the cup aside like nothing else matters.

The scent of him hits you — cologne and sweat and something deeper — and suddenly it’s like your entire body is one raw nerve. Your thoughts scatter. Your pulse stutters. You want to touch him. You want to climb into his lap. You want him to grab you by the hips and ruin every thread of self-control you’ve ever had.

He’s your best friend.

Somehow, you don’t care.

You try to collect yourself. Breathe in. Out. Focus on your heartbeat. On anything other than the way your skin is still buzzing from where he’s touched you.

But when you glance up, Kyle’s already looking at you half-lidded, pupils blown so wide that you almost have to squint to make out the thin ring of gold surrounding them.

You don’t even realize you’re moving closer to him until your hand brushes his, chest mere inches as you drink in Kyle in front of you. He takes your hand, fingers tracing the inside of your wrist. Your pulse skips a beat.

His doesn’t.

He opens his mouth, whether to speak or kiss you, you’ll never know as two of his friends come barreling in, ripping him away with slurred words and half-assed apologies.

“Oi, Kyle, some tosser thinks I’m flirting with his bird. Tell him he’s having a laugh, yeah?”

And just like that, the moment shatters. The lights, the music, the crowd pressing in — it all rushes back at once.

You even register the annoyed looks from people trying to squeeze past the two of you.

How long had the two of you been standing there?

“Can’t leave you guys alone for two seconds,” He mutters, catching his breath. His hand lingers on your wrist as mouths ‘be right back.’

You reach for your drink, spinning the liquid as if it’ll hypnotize you to keep your thoughts from spinning too.

“He’s pretty good, right?” Elliot slides in next to you, watching Kyle make his way through the crowd. “He was always the most level-headed in basic training. He probably broke up more fights than he was in them.”

You smile at that — of course, Kyle would gain the reputation of being the strategist, the fixer, always thinking things through.

“—- told him in training to go after what he wants, but it seems like he still hasn’t listened,”

You tune back in at the end of his sentence, narrowing your eyes at Elliott.

“I’m sorry?”

Elliott just grins.“Lemme buy you a drink, yeah?”

You should say yes- he’s cute, really fucking cute, and obviously interested by the way he’s been flirting with you all night.

But as you shift you weight from one foot to another, deliberating, your gaze slides to the other side of the club where Kyle is already watching.

You swear his jaw clenches when Elliott moves in closer to you.

“Oh,” Elliott laughs, catching the look. “You’re both a little fucked then.”

You blink. “What?”

He shakes his head, something almost kind about his expression. “Better that I’m not the one to tell you, right? But -“

He stops himself like he shouldn’t be saying something before shrugging his shoulders and tossing back the rest of his drink.

“Plenty of the lads at basic had birds back home. None of them ever talked about their girls the way Kyle talked about you.”

Your stomach twists at Elliott’s words, but you’re not sure if it’s from the implication or the confirmation. You’ve known Kyle was acting different tonight — the stares, the softness, the tension that always seemed just shy of crossing a line. You want to ask what Kyle said, how he said it, when he said it, take every sentence and dissect it syllable by syllable. But you don’t get the chance.

Because Kyle is back.

And he looks… different. Not just under the strobe lights, not just with his shirt rumpled and curls damp at the nape of his neck. He looks like someone who has made a decision.

His eyes skim over Elliott, land on you, and stay there.

You barely register Elliott muttering something about giving you two a moment before disappearing into the crowd. Kyle doesn’t say anything — not at first. He just stares at you like he’s trying to memorize every feature on your face like this is the last time he’ll see them.

“What did he say to you?”

You don’t answer. You can’t. Because if you open your mouth, you might admit that you’re shaking. That something about this — him, you, tonight — has shifted past the point of pretending. You don’t know how to flirt with Kyle because it never felt like you had to. But right now, standing in front of him with your heart in your throat, you want to be brave. You want to try.

So you just say, “You already know.”

Kyle blinks. His jaw twitches. Then he grabs your hand.

He pulls you into the crowd, the bass drowning out every thought except the feel of his fingers tangled in yours, the way his body moves ahead of you like he’s cutting a path through the world just to get you somewhere quieter, darker, closer.

Your skin sparks under his touch. Your blood hums with electricity.

And you don’t even realize you’ve stopped moving until you’re suddenly chest to chest, breath to breath, the rest of the world nothing more than sound and color. Hidden in some back hallway away from any interruptions or prying eyes. He stares down at you like you’re something divine. Like if he blinks, you’ll disappear.

“I haven’t stopped thinking about you,” he says like it’s a confession pulled from his ribs.

His palm slides against your lower back, anchoring you to him as if any distance will push you away. You smile, ready to make a joke, to tease him, to play into this push-and-pull you’ve somehow found yourself in.

But the look on his face punches the air out of your lungs.

Any ounce of self-control has fled from his body, replaced by a primal desire that seems to bleed from him. His hand trails up your spine, every hair on your body standing on end as you come to the complete and utter realization:

Kyle is going to kiss me.

And before you can even process what that means for your friendship, his mouth is on yours.

Suddenly you can’t think, all thoughts flooding straight from your brain as they’re replaced by one single, repetitive thought: ‘Holy shit, Kyle is a really good kisser.’

His hands find your waist, then your hips, then your ass, like he doesn’t know where to hold you because he wants to touch you everywhere. His tongue sweeps inside your mouth, tasting like gum and pints of lager, and a hint of the cigarette he bummed earlier, and that combo would be so disgusting on anyone else, but of course, it works for him, and you hear yourself gasping into him.

Your fingers fist into the front of his shirt, pulling him closer, and he groans deep and low like the sound is being pulled straight out of his chest.

“Fuck,” he mutters, lips moving against yours. “Why do you taste so fucking good?”

He kisses you like he’s trying to ruin you for anyone else, and you think it’s working. You will never be able to kiss anyone again without thinking about the way Kyle took you apart, thread by thread, with just his mouth. You pull him in closer, feeling slightly depraved and insane. You want to crawl into his skin, get under him, inside him, anywhere where he can hold on to you like this forever.

You shift, and your thighs brush against him, forcing you to feel him — thick and hard through his jeans and pressing right against your hip. You moan before you can stop yourself, and he grips you even tighter, pulling you flush against him.

“You’re driving me insane, sweetheart,” he rasps in your ear, dragging his mouth down your jaw. You drag his face back to yours, and he kisses you again —deeper, messier, needier— but it’s still not enough. You want more, need more, need to know what it feels like for him to be inside you, fingers buried in his hair as you fall apart for him over and over again.

But for now, you just let him devour you. Kissing you with a promise of what’s to come, like he’s starved and you’re the first taste he’s allowed himself in years.

You break away first, barely breathing hard as you take in Kyle’s swollen lips and chest heaving as if he just ran across the country.

His hand is still gripping your waist like he’ll fall if he lets go, and he rests his forehead against yours. For a second, you think he might kiss you again until he exhales hard, coming to terms with the situation that just happened.

”Fuck, we — we weren’t supposed to do that, sweetheart.”

His voice is wrecked like he’s ashamed of how badly he wanted it. Of how badly he still wants it.

You don’t move. Your fingers are still twisted in his shirt, and your neck still tingles from where he dragged his lips across it. You finally open your eyes to look at him.

And when your eyes meet his, he looks absolutely ruined.

“Stop looking at me like that, love.” His hand twitches like he might pull away, but he doesn’t. Just takes a deep inhale. “We’re friends, right?”

The words don’t match the way he’s staring at you, with lips parted, pupils blown, and you still feel the weight of him fully pressed up against you. And whatever line you two were pretending existed has already shattered.

So, you look up at him, bold and tipsy, and braver than you have any right to be, and whisper in his ear: “I don’t want to be just your friend tonight, Kyle.”

Something settles in between you two, the words impossible to take back, so Kyle just gives a deep nod before calling a cab.

You slide into the cab first, and Kyle follows, close enough that your legs touch, close enough for him to smell the sweet sting of your perfume and whatever’s left of the drink on your lips.

The door shuts, and for the first time all night, it’s too quiet — he hears his heartbeat in his ears, and his nerves continue to dial themselves higher and higher.

You shift, and his gaze drops down to where your dress rides a little higher from the movement. He can’t help himself, his hand settles heavy over your knee, thumb dragging slow, deliberate circles on your bare skin. It feels delicate, pretty, soft and he wonders if you’d feel that way all over.

Your skin warms instantly, and he can feel the heat coming off you in waves. You glance up at him, eyes silently begging for him to move again, for him to kiss and touch and worship you like he craves.

And God does he want to.

Kyle leans in closer, mouth brushing just behind your ear, making sure to keep his voice low enough that only you can hear,

“If we weren’t in a fucking cab right now…”

You still.

“My hand wouldn’t just be on your thigh.” He makes sure to draw a deliberate line up the inside of your leg, stopping just short of where your dress ends, hiding where he wants to see you the most. “It’d be under that fucking dress, halfway to making you come again.”

Your breath hitches. The driver coughs once, and Kyle forces himself back,hand still on your leg, grip just tight enough to remind you that he’s still here, just as wanting as you.

You don’t say a word for the rest of the ride.

Neither does he.

The car slows to a stop, and before Kyle can stop himself, he tosses a large tip to the driver before taking your hand like a man possessed and dragging you into his flat.

The second the door clicks shut, Kyle’s mouth is back on yours.

He barely registers kicking the door shut before he’s got you pinned to it, hands firmly gripping your waist to anchor himself to this moment. He wants to take his time, to memorize how you feel under his hands, how you sound when he kisses your neck, commit this to memory in case he never gets the chance to again, but desperation takes over, and all he can think about is how badly he wants more. How badly he wants you.

Your purse hits the floor, but he doesn’t really care. You let out another gasp into him, and he’s never been angrier at himself. For pretending, for years, that this was inevitable.

He drags his teeth against your bottom lip, wanting nothing more than to suck and bite until it’s flushed red.

Instead, his hands move free of his control, down your thighs, under your dress, until he’s rubbing the front of the thong you have on, and he moans slightly into your mouth.

You’ve completely ruined yourself, underwear drenched, and your hips jerk as he presses a light circle to your covered clit.

He smiles, using his other hand to pin you to the door, and he feels you shaking like you might detonate against him as he continues to draw light circles around your covered heat.

“Kyle,” you whine, and it feels like a livewire has been cut deep inside him as he moves your panties to the side, and slides two fingers inside of you.

And all he can think to say is, “Fucking finally.”

God, you’re tight, warm, and just fucking perfect. Your hips jerk against where his hand is moving, like you’ve been shocked and he feels his breath stutter against the high-pitched moans you make, raw and startled like you didn’t know you could want him this much.

Kyle presses his forehead against yours, cursing when you gasp at the curl of his fingers. And he feels the confession bubbling up, tries to push it back down where it’s supposed to remain hidden and locked away, but you sound so sweet when you whine his name that he just starts … rambling.

“I’ve thought about this,” he rasps, voice wrecked and low. “I tried not to, sweetheart, I really did, but you were always there in my mind at night. What you’d sound like, what you’d look like coming undone, what you’d feel like when you finally let me touch you.”

Surprisingly, you don’t jerk away from his confession, call him a creep, or tell him that he’s supposed to be just a friend. Instead, you clench tightly around his fingers, moaning a little bit louder throughout his admission, and adoration begins to fill your eyes.

It only takes a few more pumps of his fingers, before you fall apart, and Kyle holds you through it, hand steady, mouth skimming your jaw as he tries to brand the shape of your body to his memory.

You’re still trembling in his arms when he pulls back, and he watches you blink, dazed and flushed and impossibly beautiful. He’s never been so hard before, and you reach for his belt, his body slumping forward as you brush a delicate hand across the rough outline of his cock.

He wants you so badly it hurts. But it can’t be like this. Not the first time.

“Baby,” he rasps and you whine at that, grasping the print of him a little harder and he grabs your hand to still you.

“I want you so badly right now.” He cups your face, brushes against your cheek, and whispers against your lips, “But our first time will not be against a bloody door.”

He pulls you in again, lips pressing as he drags his tongue against your mouth, hands drifting down to take a firm grip of your ass.

And just like that it shifts.

Kyle picks you up like it’s nothing, and cradles you close, as he carries you through his flat to his bedroom like you weigh nothing at all. Lays you down so softly like you’re made of glass.

And then you kiss again, softer, slower, as if he’s truly taking his time to learn who you are. He reaches down, pulling your dress off of you, and the look in his eyes makes your breath catch.

He looks as if he’s seen a divine being, wanting nothing more than to lay you down at the altar and worship you until you bless him.

So, he does.

He takes his time, kissing down your chest, your ribs, your hips, like he’s tracing down a map to something sacred. He removes the last barrier you have, the last of your clothes, and you open your legs for him. His eyes darken, the edges lazy with want, and he sucks a deep, bruising kiss at the apex of your thigh.

And then his mouth is on you. If you could even describe something as monumental as simple as that. As if you could describe the starburst that floods your vision with such a crass term as “eating pussy.”

Kyle lays everything out with the broad strokes he licks into you, groaning as if he can’t imagine anywhere else as perfect as in between your thighs.

You cry out, one hand flying to the wall, the other buried in his hair, as he traces soft circles into you.

You hear yourself call out his name, all your senses locked into the way he smiles against you. ”Been dreaming about the way you’d say my name.”

He sucks at you like he wants your legs to shake, like he won’t be satisfied until you come completely and utterly undone for him.

So when you come for the second time, it’s no surprise that it’s with a broken cry that leaves him shuddering.

You think he might stop there. Takes the time to let you recover as he strips himself. But he’s above you again, and you take the time to run your hands across broad shoulders that lead down to a tapered waist adorned with a perfect set of abs.

He hangs hot and heavy between your legs, and you sigh as he takes you in for another kiss, briefly tasting yourself on him before he pulls back,

“Is this still okay?” He whispers, eyes looking for any doubt.

You nod. “More than”

And he sinks into you with a groan that’s been clawed from his chest.

His pace is unhurried and measured, forehead against yours as you clench around him when he presses a kiss against your forehead. His pace falters before picking back up as he mutters “fuck, love, you feel like heaven.”

You lock your ankles around his waist as he laces your fingers together. His mouth catches yours mid-moan and refuses to let go. You wish it felt wrong like this is a dark and dirty secret that will never be touched, but as you come for the third time, you know that you’ll never be able to live peacefully knowing what it looks like to have Kyle fall apart above you, mouth on your neck as his whole body trembles into yours.

He slowly pulls out of you, lying next to you before pulling you close to his chest, and pressing a familiar kiss to the top of your head.

You’ve never felt so serene, so calm, so at ease, and you want to say something to break the moment. To bring you both back down to the level you normally operate at, with friendly jokes and ribbing and teasing.

Deep down, you feel that coil snap, that something’s changed between the two of you. You wonder if he feels that too, but when you look at him, the only thing you see is the same devotion he had a few moments earlier.

So you shove all your thoughts away and close your eyes

You wake up missing the familiar weight of Kyle next to you. The bed is cold, the sheets pulled into a precise military fold, and the only sign he was ever there is the dent in the pillow next to you.

You grab something discarded from the pile of clothes on the floor, Kyle’s shirt, and tug it on before padding out barefoot to the kitchen.

“Morning,” you whisper, voice still scratchy with sleep.

He startles just slightly at the sound of your voice and straightens before turning around.

There’s a small smile on his face, but it doesn’t quite meet and doesn’t feel as genuine as it should be.

“How are you feeling?” he asks, standing on the other side of the island. He nudges your cup towards you, tea prepared the way you’ve always preferred and you hold the burning cup in your hands, lines forming between your brows.

“I’m fine. How do you feel?” you ask, guarded.

Kyle looks exhausted, not the face of someone satisfied after a night of good sex, and you start to second-guess yourself. You’ve seen Kyle with ex-girlfriends, and he’s the picture of romance - flowers, kisses, constantly holding hands and all over them.

For a moment last night, you thought you saw that Kyle when he was with you, but you don’t recognize the man in front of you- guarded, drawn back.

Off-kilter, you take a sip of the tea you’ve been holding, dropping the mug when it burns your tongue. The clatter echoes through the quiet flat, and you immediately bend down to grab the mug, muttering apologies as you check for chips in the ceramics. ”Shit — sorry, I didn’t mean to —”

“It’s fine,” Kyle says quickly, already kneeling to help. His hand grazes yours, and you both freeze.

You look at him, and his eyes stay firmly trained on the mug. The silence stretches across the apartment until becomes unbearable.

“I just — I wasn’t expecting you to be gone,” you say, voice childishly quiet. “When I woke up.”

Kyle runs a hand through his hair, already mussed from sleep, and still refuses to look at you. ”Didn’t want to wake you.” He sounds just as young as you just did, and your heart does an unusual pitter-patter.

“That’s it?” you ask. “After everything?”

His face falls, and the expression tells you everything you need to know. He’s already halfway gone, leaving you again like he did when you were both 17.

You don’t want to ask. You don’t want to know.

“Do you regret,” you pause, struggling to get the words out. “what we did last night?

Kyle’s head whips to you, eyes panicked. “No,” he says. “It was… Fuck, it was—” He swallows hard like something is lodged in his throat. “This just isn’t something I can do right now.”

You blink. “What do you mean?”

His eyes meet yours like he’s seeing you clearly for the first time all morning. “I leave in six weeks.”

“And?”

“And I’ve watched what happens when people try to wait,” he says. “What it does to them. I’ve seen it ruin people and wreck lives. And I care too much about you to let that happen to us. To you.”

Us.

Your chest caves a little at that.

“So you thought it’d be better to fuck me first?” You laugh sardonically. The words come out sharper than intended, and you see the hit land.

Kyle flinches. “That’s not — don’t make it like that. It wasn’t like that.”

You hug yourself, pressing your lips together to hide the wobble in your voice. “Then what was it?”

He doesn’t say anything, sits across from you in silence, and you understand. That knowing the truth would hurt too much. That Kyle is still trying to protect you from all the things that could hurt you in this world.

Only this time it’s from himself.

You nod once, jaw tight. “Got it.”

You turn to leave, and this time, he doesn’t stop you.

♡ ♡ ♡

December 24, 2022 - 10:24 P.M.

Kyle listens to the fire crackle, as cousins, aunts, and uncles trickle into his grandfather’s house. The first Christmas he’s spent with his family in years is a big one, and he briefly wonders how they’re all going to cram into the tiny sitting area.

He pulls the tartan blanket over his cousin sleeping next to him before moving to sit next to his mother. In 29 years, he’s never seen his mother look so tired, so weathered, so worried. He knows that it’s because of him, that it must be impossible to sleep at night, knowing that there’s no guarantee that your son will return to you safely. The chime of laughter coming from the kitchen brings him down from where he feels he’s floating a million miles away. He takes his mother’s hand and runs his thumb gently across her knuckles, grounding himself there.

”How are you doing, mum?” he asks, softly, and she turns to him with bright eyes. Kyle’s mind wanders to what if his dad were still here. Would he still have joined the military? Entered the SAS? Met the 141? Maybe he would have ended up here anyway. But the look on his mother’s face says otherwise.

”I’m just so happy to see you here, Kyle.” Her eyes water up, and Kyle knows instantly what’s not being said. He tries not to think about that day too much, the bullets ricocheting off the helicopter, as the only thing keeping him alive is a fraying rope. It’s become a bit of a legend amongst new recruits.

“Can you believe the sergeant fell out of a helicopter and survived? I heard he took out 5 men while dangling from a rope. No, it was six.”

A ringing starts to fill his ears, and he focuses back in on his mom who’s looking at him with concern again.

”I’m happy to be here, Mum.” He mumbles, and suddenly, he feels exhausted. Being tired isn’t a new feeling - he hasn’t had a real night's sleep since before he joined the military, but this exhaustion feels deeper, like it’s carved into his bones. He’s so used to waking up at six a.m. and running 5 km that the stillness of a peaceful night is almost foreign to him.

“He would’ve been proud of you, y’know?” Kyle jerks up at that, turning to his mom. She doesn’t often talk about his father, doing the small things to keep the memory alive on his birthday and the anniversary of his death, but the pain always seemed too much to bear. “He would always say when you were younger, ‘My boy, he’s going to accomplish great things.’ He just would’ve been so proud.” Her voice wobbles a little before she catches herself.

”I know, Mum,” and the funny thing is he believes that. He knows that he’s accomplished everything his father had dreamt for him, grown into the man his father started molding the second he was born. Yet he still feels like something’s missing.

Kyle hears the door open, and close, wondering who the late addition could be. At this point, every family member has arrived.

“Darling, you mustn’t be upset, but she has no family out here. We’ve had her over every year since she’s moved,” His mother rushes out, worry quickly replacing the melancholy that lined her voice.

Before he can even process what that means, who he could possibly be upset about seeing, he hears a voice he hasn’t heard in over 8 years—

Yours.

A part of you thinks it’s weird that you spend every Christmas with Kyle’s family despite not speaking to him for 8 years.

Your job had brought you to London a few years back, and you were more than happy to spend the day eating Chinese takeout and rewatching old Christmas movies. But your mother found out and gave a call to Kyle’s mother and well, “Family doesn’t let family spend the holidays alone, do they?”

Which is how you find yourself at their Christmas Eve dinner every year.

Kyle never shows up, always on duty or leave, but you find yourself holding your breath every year hoping he’ll walk in.

And you’re disappointed every single time.

You shouldn’t be, you don’t even want to be and you don’t know why you anticipate him being there as if he wasn’t the one who said you two were better off as friends and then slowly stopped responding to your texts and calls.

Your friends all tell you that you’re better off, that Kyle fucked up and doesn’t know what he’s missing. And you try and pretend that you don’t look for him in every guy you see, looking for brown eyes and a protective heart in every Bumble date and one-night stand you meet.

So when Kyle turns around, your breath hitches, shallow and fast, like your body’s bracing for impact.

You thought of this moment for years, the moment where you can yell at him, scream and curse, and cry for breaking your heart. Inflict a fraction of the pain he caused you back onto him, make him feel all the nights that you spent crying, mourning the loss of your best friend.

But what stops you in your tracks is how absolutely exhausted Kyle looks.

He’s still Kyle, but his whiskey-colored eyes are rimmed with dark circles and wrinkle a little more when he smiles. His beard has grown a little more, a rarity for Kyle who has liked to be as clean-shaven as possible since the moment he started growing facial hair.

You had heard about the accident, how he barely survived — and his mom had begged you to give him a call. But every time you reached for the phone, something stopped you.

What do you say to someone when there’s so much that’s been left unsaid?

The door creaks shut behind you, breaking the awkward showdown you’ve found yourself in.

“Darling!” His mother is the first to react, walking over to where you awkwardly hesitate in the door, one step away from bolting. She brings you into a warm embrace, running a comforting hand through your hair.

”I’m so happy you could make it. He won’t say it, but I know he misses you. Still puts up the ornaments you two made in primary school,” she whispers in your ear. Your eyes catch Kyle’s across the at this, and you press your lips together in a firm line. You don’t want to be bitter but if he really did miss you as much as she said, why is he still there — still putting distance between the two of you?

She lets go of you, helping you out of your winter coat, and then a few of Kyle’s younger cousins are dragging you to the kitchen, wanting to gossip about all the things you normally do when you come over, and you forget that once again, Kyle is watching you walk away.

And despite his presence being so loud in the middle of this party, you’re able to continue like you normally do. You laugh and eat roast and mince pies, and even participate in Secret Santa, where you receive an absolutely horrid sweater that will never see the light of day. And it all feels so normal that your heart swells, that if you keep your focus on certain parts of the room, it’s like Kyle isn’t even there.

But whenever your eyes meet, Kyle goes completely still — like something has knocked the breath out of him. He doesn’t blink. Doesn’t move. Just stares like he’s seeing a ghost he thought would never come back to haunt him.

Your stomach churns — it was a bad idea to stay. You should’ve feigned an illness as soon as you saw him there because unhealed wounds are starting to bleed the longer his wide-eyed gaze follows you around the room.

So, you begin to pack up. Walking around from family member to family member to say goodbye, accepting all the kisses on the cheeks and leftovers to eat for the next few days. It’s not until you’re standing by the coat rack to put your jacket on that you shiver from the feeling of a large figure behind you, your body remembering him before your brain can catch up. He’s silent on his feet in a way that can only come from years of military training. He had never been so quiet before.

“Are you leaving already?” he rasps, and your knees almost buckle from hearing his voice for the first time. Your stomach flips like it’s trying to turn yourself inside out.

“Yeah, I need to start driving back now before it gets too late,” you whisper, not wanting to speak too loud as if he’s an apparition that’ll disappear with any quick movements.

“What’s this about you driving home,” Kyle’s mother interrupts, eyes narrowed. You didn’t even realize that she was standing there, but from her crossed arms, you knew that you fucked up.

“It’s only a short drive, Ms. Garrick. Swear, I’ll be home in twenty minutes,” you promise, hoping she won’t beg you to spend the night. Tonight had already been heavy. You spare a glance at Kyle, but his gaze is solely focused on his mom, listening intently to what she’s going to say next.

“But it’s already so late. Why don’t you just spend the night here? You can stay with Kyle, it’ll be just like when you two were kids again,” she beams, and you don’t have the heart to say no.

“Mum,” Kyle protests, already beginning to form an argument but his mother silences him with a wave.

“Really, Kyle? You’re going to make her drive home alone in the dark. I would’ve thought I raised you better than that. Besides it’s just one night,” she dismisses the two of you with such finality you have no choice but to follow Kyle upstairs as he shows you which room he’s staying in.

“I can sleep on the floor- or the couch, give you some space,” and for a moment, you’re tempted to take him up on his offer. But the way he’s slumped, you knew it would be awful to subject him to subpar sleep because of an 8-year grudge.

“It’s fine, Kyle. I’m the one intruding. You take the bed,” you say, and are already grabbing your pillow to head to the door to go back to the couch.

For a moment, it’s just you and Kyle and the ghosts of a hundred sleepovers past — whispered secrets under shared blankets, the safety of knowing he’d always be there

But now there’s an invisible line between you, drawn sharp and painful, and neither of you know how to cross it.

Kyle shifts closer, hesitant, like he’s afraid you’ll vanish if he moves too fast.

You pause in the doorway, pillow clutched awkwardly to your chest. Kyle shifts on his feet, the floorboards creaking beneath him.

“You sure?” he asks, voice low and rough from exhaustion. And suddenly it’s just the two of you, standing in a too-small room with eight years of distance stretching between you.

“Why don’t we just share? My mum would kill me if she found out I made you sleep on the couch.”

“Okay,” you whisper, following Kyle back to the bed, shakily pulling the covers back one by one if anything to delay sleeping next to him again.

He follows your lead, slowly crawling under the bed, back towards where you’d be sleeping. You sigh softly, before following suit, back facing his.

You don’t know how you’re going to sleep tonight, feeling overwhelmed by every shift and movement Kyle makes, the heat of his body next to yours, the careful distance he keeps between the two of you to make sure you don’t touch.

You wait, counting as the seconds turn to minutes in your head. Waiting for him to say something, anything to acknowledge that he has his back turned to what was once the closest person in his life.

It’s all too much, and your throat begins to burn. You squeeze your eyes shut, willing yourself not to cry.

Then you feel it.

The lightest brush of Kyle’s fingers against your hand, hesitant and trembling, as if asking for permission.

You freeze.

He doesn’t grab, doesn’t force. He just …. waits. His pinky hooked barely against yours, a question hanging between you.

For a second, you want to pull away. You should pull away. But you don’t.

Instead, you shift your hand just a little, letting your pinky catch his.

You wait, wondering if his graze was accidental or if he’s going to acknowledge where you two are linked. You feel your stomach twist, and you watch the trees gently sway under the moonlight. You try to calm yourself down and inhale as quietly as possible before exhaling when you just barely hear it.

“I’m sorry,” he whispers, and you get hit with a familiar feeling. Of you two sharing a bed before and him whispering those same words.

You feel as if you should turn, and face him to see what he says next, but you are still frozen, petrified that any moment, you’ll wake up to find you’re still in your apartment and Kyle is still a million miles away from you.

“I don’t know why I didn’t call you or talk to you. I - I was 21, and you were the most important person in my life. I, I just couldn’t lose you.” his voice cracks at the end, and he sounds absolutely wrecked at the idea.

“And then I did.” he continues “It was stupid, but I didn’t know how to be your friend after knowing what it’s like to kiss you, to hold you, to be with you. And it fucking killed me, it - it haunted me. And every day we didn’t talk, I didn’t know how to reach out to you. And then you were gone completely.”

You’ve gone completely still. Of all the things, you expected him to say, you didn’t think that would be it.

“Please, just say something, love. Anything.” he pleads, and releases a bone-rattling sigh.

“Kyle,” and you hear your voice tremble. “I was in love with you. And you- you left me.”

As soon as you say the word love, you hear Kyle shift over, and turn to face you, and you know you should follow suit. Turn to face him and brace this reconciliation, but the thought of dealing with his rejection again keeps you in place.

He shifts, moving to grab your hand but pausing. The burning pressure behind your eyes is throbbing, and you have no doubt that you’re fully crying at this point. You feel Kyle’s stare at your back, and you crawl into yourself more, leaving only your hand outstretched for him to still anchor onto.

"That day," Kyle starts, voice cracking a little, "the one where I fell out of the helicopter..." He swallows hard. "The first thing I thought of was you.”

You suck in a shaky breath, clutching the blanket tighter.

"I thought about—" His voice catches. He scrubs a hand over his face like he's trying to pull the words out by force. "I thought about how if this was it, if I was gonna die, you'd think... you'd think I didn’t love you.”

You’re certain that the entire house could hear the sob you let out at that. Without even realizing it, you’ve turned over to him, and Kyle looks just as devastated as you do.

Kyle’s eyes are red-rimmed, his mouth pressed tight like he’s holding back everything at once. He starts to reach for you, then pulls back, and fists the sheets instead.

"I wanted to call you," he says hoarsely. "A thousand times. I just—" He laughs once, brokenly. "I didn’t know how to fix it. I didn’t know what to say to make it better."

You stare at him, blinking hard, heart hammering against your ribs.

"I just..." His voice goes nearly silent. "I missed you so much, love."

He lets the silence stretch between you. A lifetime of things unsaid crowding the room.

"I'm sorry," he says again, almost inaudible. "For all of it."

You don’t say anything, close your eyes for just a moment to process what was just said to you. Kyle continues to breathe shakily, closing his eyes as well.

He’s thrown out his lifeline, laid every card on the table, and you feel your heart break — for all the words unsaid, for all the time missed.

You tentatively grab his hand, intertwining your fingers together fully.

Kyle chokes on a sob, shifting closer so your foreheads touch, closing his eyes to breathe you in, holding tight to the fact that you’re just there, close and in his arms once again.

“I’m so sorry,” he whispers, and you two stay like that, fingers intertwined as you fall asleep.

♡ ♡ ♡

October 12, 2024 -  1:28 A.M.

Kyle mentally runs through the wedding planner’s checklist to make sure he doesn’t do something stupid, like tripping on an untied shoelace and face-planting down the aisle.

He glances down at the daisy chain wrapped around his wrist, something you had woven for him the day before, tucking it into his palm with a kiss to the cheek before vanishing behind closed doors until today.

It took time to get here. To rebuild the foundation, and Kyle wishes he could say it was easy. That things simply slid back into the place the way they used to when you were kids.

He took the time to learn you again, the woman you’d become in those eight years, no longer just the girl who climbed over his fence or the teenager who spun with him under disco lights.

And the more he found, the more he fell.

Nobody was surprised when you finally announced that the two of you were dating. Both your mums claimed they knew all along. Kyle suspects they did.

Then the violins start.

Everyone stands.

And Kyle has to remind himself how to breathe.

Your silhouette appears at the end of the aisle, and his heart pulls so tight it aches. You glow, so soft and radiant in white, and walking arm in arm with your father. And suddenly he’s seven years old again, dressed in his favorite Easter outfit, as a circle of stuffed animals bear witness to your first “wedding.”

The memory clings to him now, tugging at his ribs like a second heartbeat.

You catch his eye, and he smiles widely.

You smile back even brighter.

You take your time crossing the aisle, careful with every step, the train of your dress sweeping heavy behind you.

After Christmas Eve, everything shifted. Kyle called every day, texted when he could, and reached out in whatever way to let you know he was thinking of you. And you, despite everything, met him there, refusing to run and instead letting him show up.

After what feels like an hour, you finally make it to the front of the alter, your father kissing your cheek before handing you off and you step in front of Kyle.

“Hi,” he whispers. His cheeks flush pink, and suddenly you see the six-year-old boy you met all those years ago, with red skin and scraped knees, and honeycomb-colored eyes that you secretly hope your kids get.

“Hi,” you whisper back, sounding so giddy to your own ears. If anyone were to look at you, you’re sure you're glowing with love as you look at the man who is about to be yours forever.

You hate to admit it, but the ceremony blurs by you until it’s time for your vows, and Kyle is shakily unfolding a piece of paper.

“The day we met, I remember I was so amazed that I could be in a place so bright compared to rainy London.” The audience laughs lightly at that, as the rain drums steadily against the chapel roof above, like London itself is blessing your vow.

“And then you came along, somehow making everything brighter. I didn’t know it then, but that was the moment everything changed.

You’ve been in my life so long, I don’t remember a version of myself without you in it. You’ve seen me through every season —every good bit, every broken bit — and you never stopped showing up. So today, I’m promising to do the same. To show up. To love you properly.

You’ve always been my home. And I’m so bloody lucky I get to spend the rest of my life coming back to you.”

You can’t hide your tears if you try, and you hope that the officiant finally says you can kiss the bride by the time you lunge toward Kyle and pull him towards you. Luckily, Kyle is just as eager and he kisses you like he’s waited half his life for this moment, the audience laughing as Kyle flips off Johnny’s suggestive coughing.

The hotel is quiet, the kind of quiet that only comes after hours of laughter and champagne and dancing until your feet ache. You’re still in your dress, the zipper half-undone, your lipstick mostly gone, when Kyle carries you through the doorway of your honeymoon suite.

It’s calm, the way you know he is, arms around your waist, forehead pressed to yours, fists balling the fabric of your dress like he can’t bear to let go. Like he might go another decade without you again.

He sets you down gently on the bed, and for a long moment, neither of you moves. You stare at one another, drinking each other in. You know every line of his face, could sketch a portrait blindfolded and backwards, but tonight he looks new. Lit from within.

In love.

“Come here,” you whisper, voice breathless with happiness, and Kyle follows the sound like a prayer. His lip finds yours, and he kisses you slow, deep, and steady. Taking his time to permanently cement this moment.

He unzips your dress like he’s unwrapping something sacred, fingertips dragging over your skin like he’s trying to memorize it all over again. You tug at his shirt with clumsy hands, and he chuckles in disbelief into your mouth, letting you pull it over his head.

“What?” You ask, smiling a little breathlessly at him, and he runs his thumb across your cheek.

“I just can’t believe it’s you,” he says, awe in his eyes and in his voice. He presses a kiss to your collarbone, moving down to your shoulder, your ribs.

You don’t have a clever reply. All you can do is kiss him, slow and deep, like saying me too without words. Your hands cup his jaw, your thumb brushing over the slight curve of his smile, and you think about how you’ll always get to kiss him like this.

When he finally moves between your legs, it’s patient, worshipful. His hands fit perfectly against your hips, like he was made to hold them, and you wrap your legs around him instinctively, already breathless from the weight of him against you.

“Sill okay?” he murmurs, pressing a kiss to your temple, your cheek, the corner of your mouth.

“Always,” you whisper back, and he slides into you with a groan so soft and reverent it nearly breaks your heart.

“I love you,” he whispers against your mouth, pulling you in for a deep kiss.

There’s no rush, no teasing, just him rocking into you slow and sweet. His hands lace yours again like he did all those years ago, and he kisses you like he’s trying to tell you something he can’t put into words. Like saying I love you isn’t enough so he has to show it with his body.

You cry a little when you come. It’s embarrassing and messy and overwhelming and Kyle just holds you tighter, kisses your cheeks, tells you how good you’re doing, how beautiful you are. He follows soon after, soft curses pressed to your throat, hips stuttering as he falls apart with you.

You stay like that for a long time, just holding one another. Breathing each other in.

“I love you,” you whisper, tracing a light thumb over his cheek as he smiles at you.

“Forever and always,” he whispers back and kisses the inside of your wrist.

You smile against him as sleep pulls you both under.

Like gravity.

Like home.