#Cirque du Freak: The Vampire’s Assistant

[fanaticloser]

Teenage Dirtbag of the Week

Darren Shan - Cirque du Freak: The Vampire’s Assistant (2009)

[adamwatchesmovies]

Cirque du Freak: The Vampire’s Assistant (2009)

While I didn't enjoy this film, that doesn't mean you won't. No matter what I say, the people involved in this project did it: they actually made a movie. That's something to be applauded. With that established...

2009’s Cirque du Freak: The Vampire’s Assistant strove to be another Harry Potter before the YA novel thing really became a big Hollywood trend. It’s easy to see why it didn’t become a series. Its baffling choices make this feel like a mish-mash of ideas, most of which go nowhere.

15-year-old Darren Shan (Chris Massoglia) and his troublemaker best friend Steve Leonard (Josh Hutcherson, who went on to play Peeta in The Hunger Games series) visit the Cirque du Freak freak show. While Steve is terrified by the vampire Larten Crepsley (John C. Reilly), Darren succumbs to his curiosity and steals Crepsley's spider. When the arachnid’s bite mortally wounds Steve, Darren barters his life for a cure. Now, he is Crepsley’s half-vampire assistant and on his way to becoming a member of the Cirque du Freak.

Based on the first three books of Darren Shan’s Vampire Blood series, this film moves very quickly yet somehow feels slow and dull. The first mark against Vampire's Assistant is Chris Massoglia, who has absolutely zero charisma or screen presence. To be fair, the material he’s working with is weak. The character’s fascination with spiders has little bearing on the plot following the theft and he under-reacts to what happens afterward. Not all the blame can be placed on the young performer but he sure doesn’t help. It’s an early sign of director Chris Weitz was having an off-week.

Anyone looking at the film can immediately spot what’s wrong with it. This is a very silly production that has no idea how silly it is. Willem Dafoe has a tiny role as a vampire and his costume/makeup makes him look like an amateur crossdresser. It gets even worse when we're told about the vampire’s secret, decades-old enemies: the Vampaneze. You see, vampires are the good ones. They don’t kill people to drink their blood. The Vampaneze though, they’re the bad ones. "Vampaneze"? You couldn’t dig through the books of mythology to find ANYTHING more intimidating? You already have Michael Servers as this effeminate Uncle Fester-lookalike grinning through the whole film, attempting desperately to seem sinister with his gleeful looks whenever people drop dead. Now we have yet another reason to laugh?

You could throw many more criticisms towards The Vampire's Assistant. I’ll toss just one more before letting you go. Ultimately, this story is about acceptance. The freaks at the circus may look weird but as Darren learns, they're just like everyone else. Unfortunately, a few details make you question this statement. There’s a werewolf in the troupe. They keep him in a cage, he wears no clothes and wallows in his own straw-covered filth. Is he a person or a monster? Nothing about Corma Limbs (Jane Krakowski) should make her an outcast. When she loses a limb, it grows back. Cool. Not so cool is her chopping off her fingers and feeding them to people! Then we have the film’s love interests. Salma Hayek plays a prophetic bearded lady who smooches Crepsley. Conveniently, she can will her beard to grow. Similarly, Darren starts getting sweet towards Rebecca (Jessica Carlson), an attractive teen with a monkey tail… and no other “freaky” characteristics. You can't promote this idea that the inside of what matters most when the male leads fall for conventionally attractive women.

Some of the film’s worst moments, such as the lame climax, the over-the-top characters or the loosely-explained world could be overlooked on their own. Combined, you can’t. Cirque du Freak: The Vampire's Assistant is a tonally uneven, poorly written would-be franchise starter with lousy performances made worse by the director's choices. It arrived on the scene already dead and buried. (On DVD, December 28, 2018)

[ashesinmytomatoes]

Even in death, may you be triumphant

[thisdreamsalive]

In light of the Josh Hutcherson renaissance, does it kill anyone else that we didn't get to see more of him as Steve in CDF? If they had made a more faithful adaptation (maybe for slightly older audiences) I think he would have been phenomenal

[theclassymike]

Josh Hutcherson as Franklin Fox in 57 Seconds (2023)

[dirt-cinema]

cirque du freak: the vampire’s assistant (2009) | dir. paul weitz

“Life may be meaningless, but death I still have hope for.”

[nichknack]

This Greek-tragedy of a children’s book series is going to be the end of me I swear

[booktomoviebrawl]

We are not judging how bad the movie is, we are judging which adapted the book the worst. There are good movies that are bad adaptions.

Propaganda below the cut (spoilers may apply)

Cirque du Freak: The Vampire's Assistant (originally the Darren Shaw saga/The Vampire's Assistant):

Took on a much more early 2000s teen flick approach to a book that, while initially for younger audiences, had a lot of very dark and Intense moments. The casting was also fairly bad and it really went in a different direction from the novel.

Bad acting, weird script choices, not even Ken Watanabe & Salma Hayek could save it

Characterisation was nothing like the books and it couldn't decide if it was a comedy or horror

Seventh Son (originally The Spook's Apprentice):

The book is a dark fantasy book for children, with fantastical elements that ring true to folklore but still have their own distinct flair, really well written horror centered on the fact that the protagonist is still just a boy, and a very strong theme that the spook opposes the forces of darkness and evil with knowledge and wits rather than heroics. The series as a whole has a lot of digs at established powers, both the Church or the nobles. It also has a mentor that is showed as imperfect from the get-go because of sexist tropes, and a protagonist who criticizes it even at the beginning when he's just a boy. The movie makes the protagonist an adult, turns the spook from an old wise man who practices using a stick (peasant weapon!) to fight and throwing silver chains to immobilize supernatural creatures, into the SURVIVOR of an ORDER OF KNIGHTS, and generally removes all the slow creeping horror to turn it into generic shitty fantasy movie #493, with bad acting on top. And it bombed so bad it probably RUINED the Spook's series chances to ever get a good adaptation, damnit!

Mentor gets changed from being part of a long line of people with a cool fantasy job to a discount Templar, cool methods of handling monsters got reduced to just killing them, awesome assassin grandma changed to Default Movie Witch, and more! It's pretty much not the story anymore.

It takes pretty much nothing that I liked from the books with the initial premise and some names being pretty much the only things kept intact.

The plot and world were completely changed. Most of the changes make for a much more generic and, in my opinion, worse story. Spooks in the books are seventh sons of seventh sons who are trained to fight creatures of the dark because seventh sons of seventh sons are able to sense the supernatural. They are hired for jobs by ordinary people, usually exorcising ghosts or capturing creatures like boggarts and witches. In the movie, the Spooks are also seventh sons of seventh sons, but for some reason, they are an order of knights. In the books lot of people think Spooks are charlatans until they come face to face with a ghost or creature of the dark because the world is usually pretty ordinary and peaceful. The setting is inspired by Lancashire and the world feels pretty unique. The setting in the movie is Generic CGI Fantasy Land where everyone has American accents and big CGI monsters are everywhere.

The protagonist Tom and Alice, his friend and later love interest, were aged up like in the Percy Jackson movies. In the books, Tom starts out as a 12-year-old and grows up as the series continues. He starts out very uncertain and wants to stay on his family farm. He only becomes a Spook because he knows he has to get a job to ease the financial burden on his family. He grows into his role as a Spook's apprentice over time. Alice is a pretty interesting character in the books, she is naturally very talented as a witch but struggles with the darker side of her powers over the course of the series. In the movie, they became incredibly generic Hero and Love Interest characters with pretty much no personality and instantly fall in love.

Mother Malkin was a first-book villain, who was mostly only such a threat because Tom was an extremely inexperienced 12-year-old at this point who accidentally released her and didn't realise how dangerous she was. She was monstrous and decrepit and fed on blood. In the movie she is turned into a beautiful seductress and a world-ending threat who can turn into a dragon. They also made her the Spook's lover for some reason.

Tom's mother is a really cool character in the books who pushes him to become a Spook despite him being reluctant and plays a larger role in the later books. In the movie, Tom is the one who wants to be a Spook and his mother doesn't want him to.

I think the character who got it worst was the Spook himself, John Gregory. In the books, he is a former priest at the end of his career as a Spook, he is incredibly uptight and disciplined to an extent that other Spooks find over the top. For example, he has a rule of fasting before a battle that he makes his apprentices follow and he only kills as a last resort. He's tough but usually pretty fair to Tom and explains things to him so he doesn't get hurt. In the movie he is pretty much the complete opposite, he's a drunkard who spends the whole movie making getting angry and fighting and doesn't seem very interested in teaching Tom how to be a Spook. Also, the accent that Jeff Bridges uses is terrible.

I'm not sure the movie would be enjoyable if you hadn't read the books, having read them I hated it, but I feel like it would be mediocre at best even without the comparison. The acting is pretty bad despite the big-name cast. I think you could maybe enjoy it in a so bad it's good kind of way. The books were spooky and pretty charming from what I remember and I think if they had been adapted more accurately, preferably as a TV show, it could have been pretty good. Sorry this is such an essay, I've never hated an adaptation more. It's been a long time since I've both read the books and seen the movie, so if anyone wants to correct anything feel free.

[dragontamer05]

Man despite technically being a kids/ younger audience aimed series it is wild the stuff Darren Shan got away with especially in the later books with the Vampire's Assistant series.

Now when I say kid I do mean older kid, minimum I probably wouldn't recommend it to anyone under 10 maybe even 12 (which works as that is the age our protagonist starts as) because it does touch on more kinda mature themes as the books go.

While not as extreme as the Demonata books Darren Shan still gets decently descriptive about things including the more violent scenes plus there is a lot of death. Which might come off as obvious being a book about Vampires / supernatural stuff but he still manages to surprise cause there's no real line between characters who might die and those that are safe from death. Especially as it gets closer to the end and get the feeling maybe not even our dear protagonist is safe.

Like off the cuff only in the second book and a character winds up dead- and they aren't just some rando either. We get to spend time with them and get to know them and okay sure you might get some vibes that this character may not get to stick around with our protagonist having to say goodbye and go their separate ways by the end but I'd say it's also not perfectly clear cut if that will be the case. (Bonus is that the death itself ends up serving multiple purposes even during a part later on)

I would personally be shocked at anyone who could even guess the ending of the book- in a good way. Cause Darren Shan does a great job of sprinkling bread crumbs and foreshadowing here and there so at no point does anything feel like it was just pulled out of thin air but quite often neither is it something blatantly obvious

And even then on the off chance you do figure something out and no the reveal before it happens personally I still find it well written enough that you could believe the characters not having realized X thing yet as well as just the anticipation of when and how will they know.

This series also has an extensive cast of characters and while some are obviously going to end up more developed then others - especially with a lot of those at the Cirque at the same time none of them feel flat or there just because. Sure okay if you really wanted to name a problem there aren't a lot of female characters but personally (as a woman/girl myself) I was never bothered by it. The ladies we do get in the series are fun and decently well written as it is.

Darren Shan also has some of the more interesting takes and ideas on Vampires that I really like.

I love the concept of being able to make someone only half a vampire and that the easiest way to blood someone is by doing it through cuts on your fingers and pressing them together.

Vampires aren't immortal but do age vert slowly thus living incredibly long lives. And while hardly anything new (especially now) I do love them even bringing up and making fun of the idea that obviously a stake to the heart would kill a vampire because that would kill anyone/thing.

Going out in the sun isn't an immediate death sentence but there are limits for how long they can be out.

Being able to use their saliva to heal over cuts if needed.

Even bringing up how while animal blood is an option and they do drink from them but 1) They can not live and sustain themselves only off animal blood thus the need to occasionally drink a humans but 2) not needing to drain a human dry - which is how they've stayed mostly undetected although it does seem pretty implied there are some people here and there who are in the know

There are also some animals of which they cannot drink and is essentially poison.

Which leads into the 3rd point Vampaneze, a group who choose instead to follow you could almost say the old ways and drain people dry and when they feed. And for as twisted and vile most Vampaneze are even they still have their own codes and rules they follow (as you can guess our antagonist group of the series)

The other thing I love is compared to somethings I've watched/ read where a character just ends up going of somewhere and we don't get much on what's going on back home or even just a characters thoughts about all this we frequently get to hear/see Darren thinking about his friends and family, that while he may not regret his choice he does still miss his home, still thinks about them. (Also the way they handle having him leave is great )

Heck to a degree they even become a motivating factor for him in multiple instances from what I recall.

We get a decent enough time line of events - if there's a time skip they make sure to acknowledge it was X amount of days/weeks/months.. ect

But back on the main point is despite having a slightly younger target age range it gets hella dark sometimes, the writing is just so good as well that even as an adult be it in Novel or Graphic Novel form I still very much enjoy it and find myself rereading it.

The author even wrote a sort of prequel series of 4 books following the mentor character of our protagonist- as well as various other characters that appear within that series also making appearances which is cool and it's so good. My favourite part being the way he ties it in right at the end, ending where the Vampire's Assistant books pick up with his introduction.

It should be noted they are written in first person, basically supposed to be MC's like diary / journal that he wrote into like book sorta thing. I was personally never bothered by it but I know it's not everyones cup of tea for writing styles.

[stepharts]

I’d Be A Terrible Vampire Assistant [15]

Better out than in I always say

[loricvampyr]

the vampire's assistant

('09)

[readtilyoudie]

“What are you doing?” he asked. 

“Looking for fangs,” I told him. 

He stared at me for a few seconds, then burst out laughing. “We do not grow fangs, you idiot!” he roared. 

“But . . . how do we bite people?” I asked, confused. 

“We do not,” he told me, still laughing. “We cut them with our nails and suck the blood out. We only use our teeth in emergencies.” 

“So I won’t grow fangs?” 

“No. Your teeth will be harder than any human’s, and you will be able to bite through skin and bone if you wish, but it is messy. Only stupid vampires use their teeth. And stupid vampires tend not to last very long. They get hunted down and killed.” 

I was a little disappointed to hear that. It was one of the things I liked most about those old vampire movies: The vampires looked so cool when they bared their fangs.

-  The Vampire's Assistant(Cirque du Freak #2) by Darren Shan

[thisdreamsalive]

16 | 26

I first met Darren 10 years ago.

At the time, I was trying to convince my parents to let me study journalism in college so I could be a writer - to much resistance - so when I met Darren I asked if he had any advice. My mam happened to come back into the shop while he was talking to me and heard our conversation and she seemed to warm up to the idea after that.

I met him again when I was still in college but that photo is lost forever.

Today, I got to tell him I write for a living and I get to review his books. He was so chuffed.

Look at what he wrote

[slasher-lovers-blog]

I am looking for a rp buddy who can rp as larten crepsley from the movie: cirque du freak vampire's assistant. So i can rp as my oc

[vampirespoll]

This poll is about The Vampire's Assistant, for The Saga of Darren Shan or The Saga of Larten Crepsley see The Saga of Darren Shan vs Dark Shadows or The Saga of Larten Crepsley vs Vamp.

This bracket was randomly seeded. The inclusion of a piece of media is not an endorsement of its content.

[booktomoviebrawl]

Confirmed entries:

Ella Enchanted

The Golden Compass

Tales from Earthsea

Howl's Moving Castle

Inkheart

The Hunger Games

The School for Good and Evil

How to Train Your Dragon

City of Bones/Shadowhunters (preliminary poll)

Seventh Son

The Hobbit

Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children

Game of Thrones

A Wrinkle in Time

Maximum Ride

The Princess Diaries

Mortal Engines

Persuasion (2022)

The Witcher

Cirque du Freak: The Vampire's Assistant

Ready Player One

Ender's Game

Shadow and Bone

Animorphs

Stormbreaker

The Voyage of the Dawn Treader

The City of Ember

World War Z

The Giver

Legend of the Guardians: Owls of Ga'hoole

Fahrenheit 451

The Seeker: The Dark is Rising