#Chav!Neil

[writingpuddle]

The foxes and Andrew reacting to Neil with a British accent?

Hey anon im p sure you sent me this like a million years agobut I found it again when going thru my asks yesterday so here goes myattempt at a bulletpoint fic:

Neil grew up in the states, sohis default accent is American, but he is ridiculouslygood at imitating. Like give him a ten second audio clip and he canextrapolate basically an entire dialect from it

The Foxes discover this aroundHalloween when watching a spooky movie and Neil goes into a perfect deadpanmockery of the Dracula character’s terrible Transylvanian accent

It becomes a thing

The Foxes will give him an accentand just set him loose

Neil is kind of surprised bytheir enthusiasm but also secretly very pleased to have found a way to amusehis Foxes

He likes making them happy so henever denies them

Except Kevin, but that is mostlybecause the team gets more amusement from watching Kevin get frustrated and trynot to show how annoyed he is over Neil being such a petty little asshole

Also they discover that if Neilputs on an Irish accent when Kevin isn’t paying attention he will absolutelyJUMP

Give him an order in an Irishaccent and he just instantly starts to follow through before he wakes up,blinking in disorientation as he realizes what he was doing

It’s funny at first, then theyrealize it’s because he associates the accent with his mother, and then itskind of sad, and then Kevin starts telling more stories about his mum and someof the few good memories he has of her, and then it gets funny again because Foxesare Foxes and they do love a good roast

Kevin complains outwardly but itsactually kind of cathartic to talk about his mother

He tells Andrew this inconfidence and Andrew just glares at him like no shit dude, you need fuckingtherapy

Anyways

That summer is going to be thesummer of the girls graduation

So they’re all determined to dosomething big to celebrate

And they get it in their heads todo a Eurotrip

Neil isn’t really payingattention at first because he’s more concerned about whether Andrew will bewilling to do a transatlantic flight

(Andrew is obviously going tocome. Flights suck, but there is no way he can cope with his whole family beingthat far away. He does not feel the need to explain this. It should beobvious.)

That’s when the Foxes pause, alldevious.

They’ve been plotting

“So, Neil,” Allison says. “At what point are you going to introduce usto your British uncle?”

Neil does not see where this isgoing

In fact he is largely baffled bythe suggestion.

“You realize my uncle is agangster, right? Like, literally a crime boss. Possibly the most dangerousperson in Britain.”

“Mm-hmmmmm.”

Neil is ???

“But he saved you Neil,” Nicky says emphatically. “We need to thank him.”

“Uh, kind of by accident, butyeah, technically.”

“You should call him. Just toask. You know, at least give the guy some warning that you’ll be in the area.”

Neil is still kinda confused butokay, fine.

Now here’s the thing

The Foxes have heard any numberof accents from Neil by this point

Including a magnificent Godfatherimitation

And probably half a dozendifferent British ones

But those were always for the laughs

He always picked a terribleaccent or would mock the living hell out of a posh one

Neil isn’t used to being thefunny one so he’s trying his best okay

And it’s fun and all but Neil can’tbe seductive to save his life

Even if you made him speak theFrench, the language of love itself,he’d just sound like he’s talking about the next game because he has zeroflirtability

Face it his and Andrew’sflirting sounds kind of like death threats to outsiders

They deserve each other

SO the Foxes convince Neil tocall up his uncle and they huddle around the phone

Only to be utterly disappointed

Neil talks with Stuart for all ofa minute and a half, just normal voice

He hangs up and tells them thatStuart will meet them in London in May and that they’re going to get him inshit with the FBI for this

The Foxes retreat, mutteringmutinously

Andrew is well aware of what’sgoing on, but it’s halfway amusing so he doesn’t say anything

As the months pass the Foxesbecome increasingly desperate in their attempts to make Neil say something sexy

They make him quote movies, TVshows, read out flirty text messages

One memorable time they even gethim to read out a page from Fifty Shades of Grey in a stuck-up British accent

They almost die laughing

It’s like a fucking superpower

Neil can say absolutely anythingand make it come across totally non-sexual

The Foxes have pretty much givenup by the time the summer trip comes around

Neil spends the plane ridepretending not to fuss over Andrew so by the time he arrives he’s totallyexhausted

And here is what he didn’texpect:

He is totally used to listeningto the local accents and then blending in naturally

It’s very disorienting beingamong the Foxes and their various Americanism, but hearing British accents allaround him

And his instincts are snarled upin knots

Plus he’s fucking tired

So he keeps slipping

First it happens when they passthrough customs, just a little lilt to his voice to put the officer at ease

But then it keeps happening

Stuart sends a couple cars topick them up and take them to this massive place he owns right in centralLondon

Being a crimeboss comes withcertain perks okay

Neil slips up again when he’stalking to the driver, his accent washing back and forth

Everyone else isn’t really payingattention because as excited as they are about Neil’s accent they’re in London and they’re all exhausted and fora lot of them it’s the first time they’ve been outside of the States, ever

Andrew notices

But he doesn’t say anything

They get to the apartment andfind a note there from Stuart saying he’ll pick them up tomorrow for a tour

Everyone splits off into theirrooms to sleep

Neil falls into bed exhausted, but sleep doesn’t come

And Andrew knows this but is tooexhausted himself from the stress of flying to deal with it right away

So he just wraps an arm aroundNeil’s stomach and holds him there as he drifts off

And it’s not enough for Neil toreally relax but it’s enough to make him feel grounded

The next morning Stuart shows upand everyone blinks at him bleary eyed and suspicious

But he’s charming and most ofthem find it kinda disarming

Which is how the Foxes end up takingwhat is probably the most expensive tour they’ve ever had (Allison excepted),lead entirely by a crime boss

Neil is lagging behind a bit buteveryone is so caught up in it that they don’t really notice

Except Andrew

That boy is always attuned to Neil

So he drops back with him andthey have a brief intense staring contest which ends in Neil looking away

They’re standing in Trafalgarsquare watching some street performers so no one is listening

Neil is obviously chewing onsomething and Andrew waits him out

He would wait forever

Finally, Neil just says, “I’vebeen here before.”

Which isn’t much but Andrew’smemory has never failed him before

I couldn’t live there again. I couldn’t retrace my steps to any ofthose places

Andrew knows what its like to feelsick at things that other people would love

So he nods and stands next toNeil the whole day

Not quite touching but closeenough that they can feel each others gravity

At the end of the day Stuart andNeil have a very cordial goodbye and then Stuart leaves them back at theapartment

Everyone is gushing about how charismatiche is and Neil doesn’t bother to correct them

His uncle has always been a bitof a snake-charmer but at least he knows he’ll never hurt his Foxes

They’ve still got a few days inLondon and Stuart’s secured them tickets to an underground dungeon tour thingthat usually has months worth of waiting list

Neil’s a little leery of goinginto a dark underground space, but with his Foxes there he’s sure he’ll beFine™

The team breaks out drinks aftersupper but Neil doesn’t have the energy

(Honestly according to thistimeline they’ve been in London for twenty-four hours they should be jet-laggedto hell and back, but w/e)

So he retires to their room andAndrew follows him like he always will

He sits next to Neil on the bedand waits

God there’s so much fuckingpointed silence between these two dear lord guys learn to communicate

Eventually Neil sighs. “I thoughtit would be okay. With all of them here.”

Andrew mulls that over

He doesn’t know how to admit thatit bothers him too. Seeing Neil reverting back to old habits, trying to blendin like its second nature

But he knows Neil is here to stayso he just slips a hand around the back of Neil’s neck and tugs him in untiltheir foreheads touch, breathing in the same air

Gradually the tension eases outof Neil

“We can go home,” Andrew says

“No,” Neil says. “I want to stay.I want to learn how to…do all of this, as Neil.”

Andrew squeezes the back of hisneck one more time. “Okay.”

It’s a silent promise, one he’sbeen keeping for over a year now: that any time Neil drifts too far, Andrewwill keep him anchored.

Neil knows it and he can’t helpbut smile a little, watching Andrew’s hazel eyes disappear into the shadowbetween their faces.

“Yes or no?” he asks

Andrew draws back a little

“You’ve been dissociating allday.”

“I’m here now.”

Andrew scowls and let’s go ofhim, standing up to go dig out his pajamas from his luggage

Neil flops down on the bed andadmires the view while Andrew changes

(That’s a nice thing. Andrewbeing comfortable enough to change in front of him. Sure, he’s always partiallychanged out in the locker room, but in private it’s different. It’s more. And Andrew is willing to give thatto Neil.)

(It’s very nice.)

“Staring,” Andrew grunts

“Can you blame me?”

“Yes.”

Neil sits up again and tugs onthe front of Andrew’s shirt until he gives in and steps up close, betweenNeil’s legs

His hands go to Neil’s sideswithout conscious decision

“Nicky wants the genuine Europeexperience,” Neil murmurs, toying with Andrew’s hem. He still hasn’t been givenpermission to touch, so he doesn’t. “We’re going to be staying in hostels.Might be the last time we have a room to ourselves.”

Andrew bites down on a thousandimpulses, reflexes to shut Neil down, cuthim out

Instead he just kisses Neil, goodand slow, a reassurance that they’re there,they’re real, and that this isn’t going away

“Andrew—”

“Yes,” he says, and pushes Neilback onto the bed.

You know what happens next

They love each other deeply andprofoundly and all that but they also like each other’s butts ya know

So afterwards they get cleaned upand curl back up in bed to sleep

Andrew climbs over Neil andnearly knees him in the balls and Neil’s laughing a little and Andrew scowls inannoyance as Neil scoots closer

And with the most obnoxious chav accent that’s ever been heard says, “Any chance a bloke could get a bit of a snog before bed?”

It is quite possibly the worstthing Neil has ever said and Andrew does not hesitate in slapping a pillow overhis face to try and smother him

Neil is laughing his ass off andit devolves into some pretty stupid wrestling before Andrew gets Neil pinneddown, straddling his hips

“Bloody wanker,” Neil says, unable to contain his grin

“Shut the fuck up,” Andrew says,and kisses him so that he does.

[maisietheweltoncow]

The Dead Poets as Things My irl Best Friend Has Said

@thedorkslayer I'm exposing you bestie (it also includes other people but yeah)

Knox: I'm straight as a pancake......... oh shit pancakes are round

Pitts: Bro I'm a garshallforlyfer

Charlie: I have no idea bestie I am just a horny entity

Cameron to Charlie: omg you learnt how to cook

Cameron: If you turned up to a dnd session with dice made of fucking beans I would commit arson then and there

Neil: I FEEL LIKE IT'S VERY RAAAAAAAA

Charlie: He looks deliciously overgrown

Knox: I have a long term relationship with MCR, she's my girl dawg

Todd: I wouldn't have got the anxious tendencies if I knew they wouldn't fit in the burrito of life

Todd: Eminem, I am smoking Eminem

Charlie: cannot tell if this is some sort of code word for I want to rail him and or kill him

Cameron: What do fat greasy chips connote, Charlie?

Meeks: Absolutely shitting my pants with laughter rn send help

Pitts: I do peace signs backwards what about it 🥵🥵- it's because I'm not like other girls

Knox (idk it feels like it fits for him): I don't hate white people... I'm not anti white I swear 😭

Cameron: My brain just said, let's pop u in a prison with a feral dog

Neil: I'm hungry but this is distracting

Todd: Once Spotify told me I was in the top 1% of people who listened to girl in red in lockdown bc I found her voice relaxing and used it as background noise for my work basically on repeat

Cameron: You know when you read the words 'shit eating grin' it always confuses me because I don't think you'd be grinning if you had to eat shit. So why is it there? It confuses me.

Charlie: I have many kinks Richard Cameron I don't think getting chucked out of windows to my death is one

Todd: For someone who hates children, I'd be a great parent

Charlie: I hate these 12 year old chavs thinking they're all it there stood in the queue thinking about what they want like get out let me order. They aren't gonna move I swear if they don't move in 15 seconds imma punt them. Bet you they all have chav boyfriends and practically drink Victoria's secret perfume.

Charlie: There's not gonna be any fanny jokes so what's even the point

Neil: I should get a mullet

Pitts: Fuck. It was because I wanted to be Pete Wentz but I wouldn't admit that to anyone honestly fuck gender I still want to be Pete Wentz like flat chest? Yes please, my noodle proportions fit nicer to a flat chest and I'll feel better about myself but then again I don't hate boobs.

Todd: wait wait y'all are shipping Alina with a 120 year old man????

Meeks: Why do I have a crush on the dad from meet the Robinsons

Him and the wife are a bi panic idk why they just are

I feel like the Meet the Robinsons fandom is as weird as onceler stans

In another dimension Meet the Robinsons is literally the lorax fandom level of bizarre.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

That's it besties, I would be happy to do a part 2, just ask :)

I'm gonna tag some mutuals because I feel like this isn't gonna get much attention:

@aedan-mills @neil-perry-is-alive @duh-itsalampmeeks @andersonsdeskset @deadpoetdalton @she-nuwanda @freckledcameron @totallynotmrkeating @mendesxruel @caffieneandconstellations @academic-on-a-midnight-dreary that's all I can think of off the top of my head, sorry if I missed you.

[ghostcultmagazine]

ALBUM REVIEW: Locean - Chav Anglais

ALBUM REVIEW: Locean – Chav Anglais

You can call it Punk; you can call it Noise; you can, if you will call it Beat poetry. One thing that Manchester UK experimentalists Locean do produce is a thrilling, vibrant energy and Chav Anglais (Artificial Head Records), the band’s first full-length album, is full of such attitude: from crashing strings and rhythms to sparse, protesting, dominant sexuality. (more…)

[kevindayprotectionsquad]

Chav boy Neil

[elceeu2morrow]

NEW DIRECTION Louis Tomlinson on why he’s not ready to make up with Zayn Malik and how fatherhood made him grow-up fast

Beth Neil  2 Feb 2020, 0:01  Updated: 2 Feb 2020, 3:06

Back then he didn’t appear to be a natural frontman. He wasn’t one to hog the spotlight, nor did he seem remotely interested in competing with the magnetism of Harry or the vocal range of Zayn.

“There were times I struggled to find my place in the band,” Louis admits today.

But it’s often the quiet ones you’ve got to look out for.

Behind the scenes he was very much centre stage: Louis was the mouthpiece, constantly fighting the boys’ corner and acting as chief negotiator between band and management.

“Being from Doncaster,” he says, “I’ve never had a problem with telling anyone ‘no’.”

On top of this (and perhaps most significantly), in the six years that the band were together after finishing third on The X Factor in 2010, Louis diligently racked up more songwriting credits than any of the others, hinting that a hard-working and ambitious young artist lurked beneath the surface.

Indeed, while he might be the last of the band to release a solo album (four years after they announced their hiatus, breaking several million hearts in the process), the result suggests that Louis, having held his nerve and bided his time, might just prove to be the dark horse.

“There was a while when I was worried I was getting left behind – some of the boys are on to their second album now,” he says, taking a draw onthe first of several cigarettes. “At times, I’ve been swimming against the tide, working out who I am. I was trying to find a way back into the industry, thinking of it mathematically rather than going off feeling and emotion.”

He’s referring to collaborations with Bebe Rexha and Steve Aoki in 2016 and 2017 respectively, which, although successful, weren’t where his heart lay. With Kill My Mind – the exhilarating ’90s-inspired opening track of the album Walls – he sets his stall out with a clear departure from anything he’s done before.

Walls is about regret, reflection and ultimately, hope, and feels like Louis, who sings in his still-broad Doncaster accent, has finally found his voice.

“I’ve always wanted to be autobiographical and honest. And in the last six months the songs I’ve written and recorded are of a better standard because there’s an honesty there,” he says.

Honesty certainly characterises the album, sometimes devastatingly so. There’s no escaping the fact that Louis, 28, has faced unimaginable pain over the last few years.

First losing his mum Johannah Deakin, known as Jay, in December 2016 to leukaemia, and then his sister Félicité, who died last year aged 18 following an accidental drug overdose.

The lyrics to Two Of Us, written about his mum, include intimate details about Louis’ experience with grief.

“It wasn’t until after I’d written it that I realised how much vulnerability I’d put in there,” he says. “When I first performed it… I had fans coming up to me in tears telling me their stories, and that’s not something I’ve ever had before. And to do it on that level about something so delicate… It was really cool to take something so dark and make people feel like that.

“I had to get a song like that off my chest. It was difficult writing about things that felt trivial compared to what was going on in my life. There was, I think, a necessity to write that song before I could move on creatively.”

Understandably, Louis won’t talk specifically about Félicité. But when asked about how grief has shaped him both as a man and an artist, he pays tribute to Jay.

“I think it’s a credit to how my mum brought me up that I have a resilience,” he says. “There’s nothing I want less than to have people feel sorry for me, so having that mentality has helped me through the hardest of times.

"I’ve also felt a real support system through my fans. I’d always felt it on a lower level, but when it’s something so impactful and life-defining, I really did feel it from them.”

Days after Jay’s death, Louis appeared live on The X Factor to perform Just Hold On with Aoki.

He was clearly in pieces and it was hard enough just watching, but somehow he held it together, presumably thanks again to that resilience.

“Sometimes it’s fight or flight,” Louis explains. “And the way I was brought up and because of where I’m from, I only see one option in that situation. I also wanted to put myself second and do it for my mum.

"That moment was bigger than me and it was actually incredibly liberating. It used every bit of strength and power and I look back on that performance as one of the proudest moments of my career.”

He says he tends not to suppress emotion and is able to share his darkest points with those he’s closest to.

But as the eldest of Jay’s seven children (five girls and two boys), he also feels a huge weight of responsibility towards his younger siblings and hasn’t had any professional therapy himself.

“No, no, nothing like that. That might be down to a bit of Northern pride, but I have a lot of responsibility on my shoulders and that drives me. I’ve got siblings who look up to me and I’ve got my grandparents as well. So all those things keep my head screwed on.

“My mum had a massive influence on me and I lived with a lot of sisters in the house, so I do find it easier to speak about my emotions. But I’m also from Doncaster, where to be a guy is to be tough and traditional and I feel like [there are] times where pride kicks in and I just say I’m all right.

"I’m lucky that I’ve got good people around me who I can trust and who I can be completely vulnerable with and say how I feel. Nine times out of 10, I don’t bottle things up. I wear my heart on my sleeve.”

[below the cut is the rest of the unedited article - including Eleanor, Freddie, 1D]

His model, blogger and politics graduate girlfriend Eleanor Calder, 27, who Louis first got together with back in 2010 during the last week of The X Factor (“before it got manic”) has been a crucial part of the stability he’s needed through such sadness.

“She’s been amazing. With any monumental time in your life you need people who understand and love you. She makes my life easier.”

In 2015 they split up for nearly two years during which time Louis became a dad to Freddie, now four, following a brief fling with LA stylist Briana Jungwirth.

The track Too Young is almost an apology to Eleanor for that period (“I’m sorry I hurt you, darling… I cut you off cos I didn’t know no better”), but Louis says the time apart taught him some tough lessons and has made them stronger.

“I think we both agree that we needed [that break]. I was too immature for a relationship of that seriousness. But I had to learn that and be an idiot first.

“A lot of young men won’t understand until they have hindsight. The responsibility of meeting someone you could spend the rest of your life with at 18 is too much for most immature men. I was very immature at that → age and didn’t understand the feelings or importance.”

He and Eleanor guard their privacy ferociously and very deliberately haven’t made themselves a public couple. They don’t go to places where they’ll get papped or post pictures of each other on social media.

“Me and Eleanor have been together ages and I don’t have a lot of private photos for myself,” he says. “Even on a night out there’ll be some f**ker taking my picture and it goes everywhere.

"So those moments to ourselves are special. It’s the same way I look at Freddie. Do I wanna show him off and tell the world how amazing he is? Yes, of course I do! But I know he’s amazing and he knows that and that’s what matters.”

He dotes on Freddie (“I cherish my time with my boy”) but admits the unplanned pregnancy was a wake-up call.

“Yeah, it was unexpected and I had to grow up very quickly. It was another one of them moments – being faced with the reality of a situation and having to step up. It was a very maturing time in my life.

“And, again, I’ve kind of got between two headspaces. I’m the responsible dad and brother some days and other days I’m still the reckless idiot chav I used to be. I’m still trying to work out a happy medium.”

Absolutely no one could have predicted the global phenomenon that 1D became, least of all Louis, Liam, Zayn, Niall and Harry themselves.

They sold 20 million albums worldwide, earning over £40million each, but the pressures of fame were, at times, intolerable. Louis says they were only able to keep their heads screwed on because they had each other.

“You can never be prepared for that. It was such a head f**k. But we grounded each other so the minute one of us acted like a d**khead one of the others would say: ‘Stop being a d**khead’. I see people in this job surrounding themselves with superiority and they lose the concept of the real world.”

He remembers doing a shoot with the band for Pepsi over in the States with American footballer Drew Brees.

“This guy was like a god and we were insignificant when he was around, which we understood. But I’ve never seen anything like it. Every sentence that came out of his mouth he’d have an audience of hangers-on in hysterics.

"These people were so far up his arse and he didn’t have one good joke. He had no banter! I still hang around with my boys from Doncaster and I hear real stories all the time, which helps me understand the world that unfortunately I don’t get to see. Having empathy with people and a connection with the world is imperative for any songwriter.”

Harry Styles recently said that he never touched drugs during his time in the band (although he’s made up for that since), because he didn’t want to “mess it up”. Louis smiles as he confides that he can’t say the same.

“All I’ll say is that I did my fair share and enjoyed my time in the band. It’s right what Harry said and it was smart of him, but I definitely had a lot of fun in the band. I was always aware of how amazing the opportunity was, but also enjoying the moment for what it was. I lived like anyone else my age – the difference was that I was in One Direction.”

He’s in touch with Harry, Niall and Liam “sporadically” (we’ll come to Zayn shortly), but they’re all on very different paths for now.

“If we all went to a pub tomorrow it’d be like we’d never left. The enormity of what happened in One Direction creates a massive bond and we’ll always have that.

"There have been times when we’ve done each other’s heads in. There might be something I say in an interview that bugs Liam or vice versa, but we all know what each other is like and we can call each other up and say sorry for being a d**k. We’re like brothers.”

But that’s not necessarily the case with Zayn, who quit in 2015 and with whom Louis has had a turbulent relationship since. He was hurt when Zayn was the only one not to turn up at the X Factor studio to support him through his performance after Jay’s death, despite promising to be there.

Then there’s Zayn’s apparent repeated digs. In one interview he branded 1D’s music “generic as f**k”. There’s a difference between making a break from the past and dismissing it completely, and it’s a line Zayn perhaps hasn’t always managed to walk.

“Hmm,” agrees Louis, cautiously. “Other than maybe Niall, there is no one who is prouder of the band and the songs we created than me. But while what I did with One Direction is relevant, it doesn’t define who I am and I don’t struggle to make that dissociation.”

Does he think some of what Zayn has said has been disrespectful?

“Yeah, I do. But I can understand it. We have a lot of situations where we’re sat in interviews and if you’re in a certain mood you might run your mouth. The older you get the more you can tell if these things actually carry any malice or if they’re just a prod in the back. That’s life, innit? Sometimes people chat s**t and that’s the reality.”

He’s not ruling out resolving their differences in the future, but there’s no olive branch on the horizon.

“No, but I’ve not actively tried. We’ve all got a lot on our plates and there might be a day where I wake up and think: ‘OK, I want to right that wrong’, but not yet.”

After being in his company for a while, it’s not hard to see why Louis was 1D’s driving force backstage. He’s thoughtful, articulate, open and self-aware, but there’s a steeliness to him and the requisite pop-star swagger, which doesn’t seem to spill over into arrogance.

He’s based in LA these days, to stay close to Freddie, but “Donny” will always be home. He says comparing the two places is “literally chalk and cheese” and it’s taken him time to “come round” to living in the States.

“It’s taken a while to get used to spending so much time there. I feel like I’m very British at heart.”

And that is reflected in his music, which is heavily influenced by the Arctic Monkeys, The Smiths and Oasis. In fact, the title track and latest single Walls sounds so similar to Oasis B-side and fans’ favourite Acquiesce that Louis’ manager flagged it as a potential issue.

“These kinds of things happen. There are only so many melodies you can write and if you listen to a band all the time like I do with Oasis…”

Anyway, says Louis. He had to make a choice.

“I was ready to risk it, but everyone said we should get in touch with Noel [Gallagher] so we did. Often the industry, and especially Noel’s world, can be a bit snobby and say: ‘F**k you you’re not using this song’. But he was really cool about it, signed it off no problem and although I’m sure he’s not happy about this, I f**king am, I’ve got a writing credit from Noel Gallagher on my album. That is some sick s**t so I’m buzzing.”

Is he nervous about going it alone? “I think I’ve got a good record so I’m confident. But I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t little bit nervous – there’s three and half years work gone into it so there’s a level of anticipation.”

The most overwhelming emotion though, is relief.

“Because it’s taken such a long time. I’m excited to go on to the next phase of my career.”

Louis Tomlinson’s new album Walls is out now.

[lfthinkerwrites]

Damian ex Machina

Title: Tales from Gotham Academy: Field Trip

Rating: T

Summary: The Dork Squad ponders their next steps, while Damian lends assistance to Tim’s plot

AO3 link

Meanwhile, back at Mt. Olympus Theme Park

As the two remaining members of the Dork Squad searched the trees and bushes by the park's front entrance for their missing friend, Jervis continued to wail. "Oh, March Hare! Poor March Hare! Struck down in the prime of his life!"

"The 'prime of his life'?" Edward asked sarcastically. "Jervis, the man's 45, at least 50 pounds underweight, drinks too much and smokes like a chimney when he's not at work! The fact that he's made it this long is a minor miracle!"

Jervis sniffled. "He had so much life left to live, Dormouse!"

Edward rolled his eyes and continued to look up in the trees for any sign of life. "Jonathan! If you're still with us, give us something to work with!"

"I'm over here!"

Edward and Jervis turned their heads out of the sound of Jonathan's voice. Sure enough, dangling from a tree about twenty feet in front of them, was Jonathan Crane, slightly bruised, but mostly just pissed. The cardboard wings still attached to his arms were lodged in tree branches, keeping him hanging about three feet off the ground. With a wild shriek of joy, Jervis ran to him. "Oh, frabjous day! Calloo! Callay! March Hare lives!"

"In a manner of speakin'!" Jonathan grumbled.

Edward walked up to him, failing to hide his amusement at Jonathan's predicament. "That's quite a nest you have there, Professor Crane."

Jonathan glared at him. "Edward you smug son of a bitch, if you don't help me get down from here, I will make you rue the day you were born!"

"Rude!" Edward shouted. He looked up and down at Jonathan, then rubbed his chin. "Well, the answer to this predicament is simple. Jon, slide out of the wings."

"And fall?"

"Jervis and I will catch you, won't we Jervis?"

Jervis nodded. "Just fall into our arms, March Hare!"

Jonathan huffed, then awkwardly shimmied out of the wings. He fell three feet out of the tree...and two inches away from Edward and Jervis' outstretched arms. "Son of a bitch!" He grunted.

"Oops," Edward said.

Jonathan glared up at him, then pulled himself up to his feet. Jervis was at his side, inspecting him for injuries. "Are you alright, Jonathan? Should we call for an ambulance?"

Jonathan waved Jervis away. "Nothin' wrong with me that a little vengeance won't cure," he growled. "This is the last damn straw. Mockridge is gonna pay for this!"

Edward nodded. "Well, you certainly have more than enough grounds for a lawsuit-"

"I don't want money," Jonathan interrupted. "I want blood."

"I agree," Jervis said enthusiastically. "That chav must suffer for what he's put all of us through, right Dormouse?"

Edward hesitated. "Well, I..."

Jonathan looked at him aghast. "Edward, by all accounts, the man stole credit for your game, wrongfully terminated you, ran the game you created into the ground, was crass to your child's mother and your current girlfriend, serves substandard food and allows dangerous rides, and you're still not goin' to help us take him out!?"

"I made a promise, Jonathan!" Edward shouted. "When I make a promise, I keep my word! I promised Penny I wouldn't start anything with Mockridge, no matter how much I want to!"

Jervis held a finger up. "Correct me if I'm wrong, but you promised that you wouldn't start a fight with Mockridge. You never said you wouldn't finish one. I would say that you've been more than sufficiently provoked."

Jonathan nodded in agreement. "I think after everything that's happened, Penelope would understand if you took a swing or two."

"Maybe," Edward said, chewing his bottom lip. "On the other hand, I doubt she'd be happy if I called her from a jail cell. If you two want to get your licks in, that's your affair. In the meantime, let's find Harvey before he takes Ellen to another ride."

"Let's go to the bus first," Jonathan said, walking out of the treeline towards the main plaza. "I need some moonshine to take the edge off."

While Edward and Jervis were searching for Jonathan, Harvey had taken their group of kids to the Amphitheater. Bruce and Neil were there with their groups, and Harvey took a seat next to his friend. The school groups were now watching a dreary performance of Oedipus, and Damian wasn't shy about making his feelings known. "Father, this is dreadful."

"It's better than you kids going on another ride," Bruce said. He was half ready to nod off at the actor's droning. He turned to Harvey. "Crane really went flying?"

"He did," Harvey said. "Duela and a few of the other kids have it all on their phones."

Bruce glowered. "Well, the first thing I'm doing when I get the boys home is calling my lawyer. If Crane wants to speak with him too, I'm more than willing to pay for the consultation."

Harvey snorted. "Careful, Bruce. Rate it's going, all the other teachers and half the kids' parents will want to talk to your lawyer by the end of the day!"

Bruce smiled, then settled back against the bench and continued to watch the, in Damian's words, rather dreadful performance.

Meanwhile, just a few feet away, Tim and Stephanie were huddled with Ellen and Duela. Duela looked back to where her father was sitting with Bruce, then leaned into the group. "It's after 2:30 now. We're leaving the park in two hours. If we're gonna make a break for it, we need to do it now."

Tim looked back towards Bruce. He wasn't paying them any attention, but Damian had caught his eye and was staring back. Tim quickly looked away. "We have to get away from your Dad and Bruce. We need a distraction-"

"I knew it. You are plotting something, Drake!"

Tim and the girls almost jumped out of their seats when Damian snuck into their group. Tim quickly looked up to check that Bruce wasn't listening in. He was in conversation with Harvey about something and not looking in their direction. "Go away, Damian," he hissed. "We're talking about something important."

Damian raised an eyebrow. "Oh? Should I inform Father?"

Tim deflated. "If we tell you, will you promise not to tell Bruce?"

"No," Damian said bluntly. "What are you doing?"

"We're going to get back at Mockridge for firing my Dad," Ellen said before Tim could.

Damian cocked his head. "You're conspiring against that condescending jackass owner of the park?" He then frowned and turned back to Tim. "Why didn't you say so earlier, Drake?"

It took a moment for Tim to formulate a response. "You actually want to help?"

"Not for you or your friends, and certainly not for Nashton," Damian clarified. "But Mockridge is scum. He deserves to suffer for that horrid food alone." He inclined his head towards Tim. "So what are you intending to do?"

"We're going to sneak off to the park's control room in the fake mountain and broadcast insulting memes about Mockridge so everyone in the park will see them."

"I see. No doubt you need me to be a distraction for Father."

"Pretty much, yeah," Stephanie said.

Damian considered this for a moment, then nodded. "Very well, but you'll owe me, Drake."

Tim rolled his eyes. "Of course, Demon."

Damian frowned, then turned his attention back to his father. Bruce seemed surprised that he was sitting by Tim, but seemed to approve. Then the entire audience's attention was captured by the performance ending and Maxie Zeus stepping onto the stage. "Greetings!" the man boomed, his voice echoing in the amphitheater. "Did you enjoy one of my great tragedies?"

No one in the audience applauded.

Undeterred, Zeus continued. "Excellent! Before we move onto to another play, an offering must be made!"

"He's not asking us for money, is he?" Duela asked. "'Cause I've only got $10 and he ain't gettin' any of it."

"Given the context, I think he means some kind of religious offering," Tim mused.

"A religious offering?" Ellen asked. Just then, a park attendant came onto the stage, dragging behind him a malnourished looking goat decorated in a flower garland. The goat bleated piteously as it struggled against the rope around its neck, and Damian's eyes narrowed. Once the attendant met Zeus in the center of the stage, he handed the rope over and jogged off. Zeus then tied the rope around an altar that was leftover from the performance. He then pulled a knife from his belt. Ellen gulped. "Oh Hell no," she murmured. "He's not gonna kill the goat, is he?"

"This is most satisfactory!" Zeus declared. He held the knife above his head. "Witness the glory of Zeus!"

By this point, the audience members were shouting, fleeing the scene, or in Neil's case, fainting dead away. "Bruce!" Tim shouted. "Do something!"

Bruce was on his feet in an instant. "Stop that right now!" he shouted. "What in God's name do you think you're doing!?"

"God?" Zeus said. "I am Zeus! I am God!"

"Jesus Christ," Harvey muttered. "Where's Crane when you need him?" (At that precise moment? Drinking moonshine out of a paper bag.) He looked towards Duela, who was shielding Ellen's eyes away from the impending gory scene. "Duela, honey, don't look!"

Damian got to his feet. "Consider this your distraction, Drake." Before Tim or anyone else could stop him, he charged onto the stage and headbutted Zeus in the stomach. Zeus fell backward, dropping the knife. Damian turned the goat and untied it. "Go on," he said gently, shoving it towards the edge of the stage. "Get out of here!"

Zeus got back to his feet and glared at Damian. "You dare strike the almighty Zeus!? The king of the Gods!? I shall smite you!"

Damian sniffed. "Tt. You can try, you diseased egomaniac."

Zeus roared in anger and charged towards Damian, only for the boy to punch him in the groin. The goat, evidently grateful to Damian for his assistance, turned around and headbutted Zeus in the stomach. Bruce and Harvey finally made it onto the stage, Bruce grabbing Damian and Harvey putting Zeus into a headlock. "I think this is our cue," Stephanie said to Tim.

Tim nodded. "Right. Let's go!" In the ensuing chaos, Tim, Stephanie, Duela, and Ellen got up from the bench and made their way to the exit. In fifteen seconds, they were gone.

[nekojitachan]

hi I'm not sure if this is something you're particularly bothered about but if you wanted neil and Stuart's speech to sound more authentically british I thought I should let you know that a chav is a very very specific kind of person (and subculture) and not just any asshole and maybe suggest wanker as an alternative catch all insult? You can ignore this if you want to btw I just wanted to let you know

No, thanks, I appreciate it - I try to go by things I’ve seen and picked up by friends (dated someone for a few years and so forth) but I will admit I’m far from an expert!

[realphan]

british foxes au

hear me out, I am selfindulgent

kevin is northern irish okay

neil is welsh!!! he spent a lot of time up in north wales while on the run and he has an awful accent oh my god

dan, matt, allison, nicky and aaron are all from london

renee is from glasgow but went to live in london with stephanie walker

andrew was moved around a lot thanks to foster care but he spend almost all of his childhood in northern england and he also has a god-awful accent

they play exy in london and the ravens play in belfast

but anyway!! twinyards!!

Aaron is affronted by Andrews accent

how can someone look just like him and sound like that

he doesn’t pronounce anything right

andrew thinks aaron’s accent is worse, naturally

pre-uni nicky spends most of his time trying to get the twins to call a truce when they mimic everything the other says

aaron tells andrew daily that he can’t speak English

andrew tells aaron daily that he’s a chav

the one thing more annoying than andrew’s accent? kevin’s accent

just imagine; not only have they got someone screaming at them everyday that they’re not good enough, he screams in an irish accent

sometimes wymack wants to cry at this mess of a team

it gets worse when they recruit neil, oh god

he’s in a little village in west wales called aberporth when he’s recruited but he’s spent time in south and north wales too so his accent

it’s this awful mess of strong, heavy welsh mixed with a hard, common cardiff accent

wymack looks at him for twenty seconds the first time he talks, trying to translate in his head

andrew on drugs,, he doesn’t shut up about neil’s accent

neil.s accent gets stronger when he’s ranting and can you imagine him transitioning into welsh halfway through screaming at riko while watching a ravens game

andrew gets angry whenever neil speaks welsh because why is such an unattractive language so attractive when it comes out of his mouth because he already has english, german and french why does he need a language that 0 people speak

eden’s twilight is a nightclub in essex and instead of being all edgy and gothic it’s a gay bar lbr

aaron puts up with it because the drinks are cheaper and it was the only job that he was offered after leaving school with 0 qualifications and a report about all the fights he got into

aaron went to night school, turns out hes freaking intelligent and now hes in uni to become a doctor (he wont forget all the help from edens though)

neil is mr. unobservant despite being convinced that he is the master of being alert (unreliable narrator who) and doesn’t even realise it’s a gay bar until roland asks him about him and Andrew and he takes a second look around

there are drag queens there every night neil is2g

katelyn is from edinburgh purely because I love Scotland and katelyn is cute

aaron goes weak at her accent oh god

allison’s parents are actually royalty

like prince and princess or something, not the main family but still rich as hell

she’s been trying to escape their standards her whole life

can you imagine andrew and neil in their pro careers oh god

you’ve got this power couple, both sharp as anything, one on offense and one on defense and no one can fucking understand either of them

this is all I have for now but boy… i’ll probably add to this or write some specific scenes, i’m thinking of making ths a series

[terribleco]

RBL Spot Interview

DIY skateparks have exploded in popularity over the last 10 years. I'm unsure whether it's a response to the growing number of people using skateparks, as people look for a more secluded spot to skate, or whether it's a natural extension of the creativity and freedom of skateboarding - but DIY parks have become a staple part of modern skateboarding. One spot which is thriving in this area is the RBL Spot, at an undisclosed location in Essex. The spot has been growing organically with an impressive level of professional finish and a great selection of obstacles to skate. I spoke to Will, who heads up the effort for the DIY spot, about how it came about, and how building there got him into the middle of a manhunt straight out of Police Interceptors. 

Can you introduce yourself and tell me how long you've been skating for? My name is Will. I started skateboarding in summer of ‘01, aged about 10-11.

What inspired you to start building the RBL Spot? I've wanted to make a street style spot for a while. I tried 6 months before in an underpass which is lit up all night, but had some trouble with the graffiti writers who captured the space first. When I found this spot, I knew it was perfect. It was a BMX spot before, but as they built it out of wood, it all got burnt down by local chav kids - a constant plague to the spot.

What does RBL stand for? RBL means “rubble”. If you follow the hashtag #rubblespot back, you can see the earlier wooden BMX park and the concrete bits they had on the building before it was burnt and then knocked down. It used to be a good spot for graffiti and urban exploration, so the name was pretty set, I just gave it a slight rework.

What was on the site of the RBL Spot before you moved in to build the DIY park and before the BMX spot? It was a sport and social club, with tennis courts, football and bowls pitches. The red tile areas of the spot are where the shower rooms used to be. It had a large function room you could rent out for parties and events. Some of the skaters remember playing football there when they were really young. The club was subject to arson in 2013, and then I believe the building was demolished in 2015.

Did you set out to build the spot because of a lack of decent skateparks nearby, or because you were after something a skatepark can't offer? We have some OK parks locally, but there's something special about DIY spots: a sort of no rules freedom. There are not many DIY's that are all street. We're 20 miles away from Urbside, who have the transition covered! Scooters are a real issue in my local park: It's very small, and I've grown quite tired of waiting for the council and their 2 million pound lottery grant funded upgrade. I've been trying to work with them and local police on this for the last 18 months.

Which famous spots did you take inspiration from when building obstacles at the spot? As far as the inspiration for the obstacles, layout etc - it's all from my love of plaza skating. Early 00s street was the best! Spots like Love Park, Carlsbad and Pier 7 are all hugely influential which is pretty obvious! Also 4 months before we started building, I visited Barcelona. Seeing the locals at Sants inspired me: their style, consistency and love for their spot.

Are there any other DIY parks out there that you use as an ideal benchmark for what you would like RBL to become? I really like the Bodila Project in Barcelona, the guys are super helpful and friendly too. Clemente DIY in Grand Rapids, Michigan is awesome too: kinda raw East Coast vibes. I love all the spots with a real sense of community, which is a big part of what I'm trying to create here.

You mentioned the chavs being a plague on the spot - Has anything super sketchy happened to you down at the spot whilst building or skating? Funny you should mention the chavs – I caught two of them just after the shed at the spot was kicked in for the 2nd time, and one of them ran away without his bike. I kept it hostage for a few hours until he went and got his Mum and Dad to scout it out for him.

By far the most memorable sketchy incident happened on a Sunday night in January. I'd been down there building on my own all day, and except for this crew of mosher kids who hang about near the spot, I'd seen no-one all day. I'm finishing a zoot, waiting to do the final pass on this triangle patch of concrete, when I hear a screech of a car from the top of the hill, and the loudest, clearest voice shouts out “freeze, put your hands up!”. I grab my phone, thinking 'Oh shit, this could be some good content!'. Next thing I know, there's loads of blue lights, sirens, and loud chatter from the road. More old bill turned up, and the whole thing was looking pretty heavy, so I started packing my shit up. 

One of the cars started driving down real slow past me, lights on. They stopped at the bottom of the hill, and they got out with a fucking huge dog, with lights shining over towards me and across the spot. They slowly walked towards where the moshers throw bricks and shit.

At this point, I thought "Fuck this, I'm out - I'm not getting caught up in this and bringing attention to the spot". Touch wood: we have had no trouble from the police, local residents or businesses yet. So I grabbed my stuff and started waddling down the road between a load of police at the top and the parked, flashing police car at the bottom. When I say stuff, I mean a huge backpack, 2 tote bags, a tripod with a video light still on it, a shovel and a sledgehammer. 

FUCKING HELL. I thought you were gonna say the worst thing you encountered was some kids vandalising the spot but that's much crazier than I expected. How I didn't get stopped I don't know, and I never got to the bottom of what happened! 

The spot seems like a real community effort. How many other people have helped with the build? 4 of us started it, but I’ve had probably 20 other people help mix cement, or donate some money on the GoFund. Myself, Wes, Sam, Mark, Daryl (our buddy who came up from London for the build days, bless him), then also big shout outs to Rob and Matt who also helped on the big builds. It's awesome, as Mark and I skated Rob & Matt's DIY warehouse spot in Brentwood about 10 years ago, and now it's gone full circle.

How has the lockdown from COVID-19 affected the build? Dramatically. For starters, Wickes are not selling sand and cement as they're not essential items, so getting materials has been a mission. Fortunately a small family-run builders merchant got me sorted. With the local skateparks officially taped off and police monitoring them, we've had more skaters visit, in small groups luckily. Downside of this is the ground is getting more worn day by day! We've also had more non-skater visitors than ever, with the residents of the local houses nearby all coming over to take a look, and they've all been very supportive when I've spoken to them. I've got to know one guy who heads down there every morning to work out; it's great to see the space being used by everyone.

What have you got planned for the spot in the future? Currently in build is a new 7 stair with a low, long round handrail, and importantly, a BBQ. I've got plans to finish tidying the last bit of the edge and bank down to the lower panel. I'd like to add a long flatbar in the side section. And finally I'd like to extend and join the far end with a bank, making the whole layout a complete L shape, which is a lot of work! We really need to work on a lot of the holes in the floor too, and also dig away at the sides. The more you dig, the more room you have to skate but 95% of the digging has ended being by me! We really need to borrow a digger from the site opposite.

What's the sickest trick to go down at the spot so far? For me, seeing Neil Smith shred it up the other week. He did a nollie heelflip down the gap in a line and nollie heelflip fs crook on the little ledge. Not enough from our lot: we spent more time building than skating last summer, so hopefully this year we’ll enjoy skating it more. This has gotta be the worst one: 

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A post shared by @hallofmeat on Oct 5, 2019 at 11:33am PDT

Other than Neil Smith and Thrasher's Hall Of Meat, have you had many high profile skaters visit the spot, or show interest in it? Nah. Smithy is pretty local. The future of the spot is pretty uncertain so we keep it pretty low key. If you know, you know. But obviously I’d love to see people come shred it up.

What advice would you give to anyone looking to start a DIY spot? Pick the right spot. Never stop researching, stuff like mix designs, tools, techniques – all knowledge is good. Preparation is everything, it's better to take two days doing it really well than rushing it in 1 and having to fix it half a year later. Invite trustworthy people, and be prepared for everyone to slate what you've built. Everyone has ideas but not many will put the time, money, effort, blood, sweat and tears in!

Anyone you want to thank? @mr_radman for teaching me everything, all the support and encouragement to build the rubble spot, and the many hours he spends behind the camera capturing us all. @wjstringer for all the help and support from day 1, likewise @meerington_ for the many hours of help and all the sick sessions we've had skating recently. Shouts to @kit1 and @redbulluk for showing support for me last year and sending over a pallet of materials.

Big up everyone who's donated and helped out, and come along for a session. Let's hope we can have a few more soon!