#Charlie speaks and the whole role play is ruined

[ckducky]

Emily goes to hell. Gets "Female Bullied"

[chussyracing]

wishlist for summer break except it gets more specific and unhinged as you read:

leo and roscoe joint content

lewis hanging out with his bestie fencer

ferrari posting a mixtape of bryan activating charles' praise kink agressively for all of us who have second hand praise kink

fernando alonso posts a video of himself twerking on tiktok (shirless for the people who need to see the samurai tattoo shaking as it happens)

pierre obtaining a dog tail butt plug, taking a pic of it and posting it on main with one singular dog emoji attached thinking he is incredibly funny only to get cancelled on twitter by the moms thinking he is ruining the youth

alex gets a new pet, this time it's a parrot named chilly and the reason he chose him is because he can teach him a few phrases that will annoy carlos to no end, so he can bring him to some races next year when carlos gets too cocky

logan joining youtube to give his fans vlogs from his daily life and routine that start off normally by going to target and stopping by starbucks (while calling it errands) but by the end of the summer break he is already making 2017 logan paul esque kissing contest videos and throwing patriotic parties

valtteri sadly runs out of seat options for 2025, so he starts his own initiative called cycling grand prix championship where he travels with f1 and makes a cycling race on the circuit on thursday of each race weekend (carlos is welcome to join anytime williams won't have the second car for him)

oscar gets lost and nobody thinks anything of it, knowing he prefers to only spend time with his close ones away from the public eye and he never posts during the break, only for everyone to freak out when mclaren posts official announcement he has gone missing, they call up theo pourchaire because he is always their last choice for everything and when they bring him to zandvoort they discover oscar has been there for a while now, taking a nap, waiting for the season to continue

lando speeds through 6 new landogates during the summer break (including but not limited to: being danica patrick's whistlerblower on who in the paddock is probably a reptilian, hogging kate middleton to himself while she was away from public eye and getting accused of keeping an affair with zak brown to get preferential treatment in the team over oscar when grainy photos of them in compromiting positions on a golf course start making rounds on tiktok gossip pages)

daniel gets a minor role in a new hollywood romcom with anne hathaway in the main role through his management agency and he is very excited to reunite with the bestie he found in anne during the met gala last year, except he plays a porter that she barely sees as she steps into a hotel and go past him straight to the reception, so when the shooting is finished the director has to explain it was daniel ricciardowho tries to speak to her because anne believed it was adam sandler the whole time

guanyu tries to find a new hobby over the break after spending all of his free time with his little ball of fluff that is Sweetcorn and since he is vulnerable to peer pressure and Valtteri started rubbing off on him, he gets talked into making a nude calendar like Valtteri did, except this time they cannot make ass jokes so they go full out with the concept - full frontal and all - Guanyu gains so many new fans and sponsors that Red Bull replace Checo with him for the rest of the season

frederic vasseur keeps low profile during the summer break and everyone thinks he is just having a nice quiet time with his family and friends except he formed a petanque team with some other ferrari employees and they went on a tour across croatia entering as many games as they could and nobody found out because the grandpas they played against generally had no social media or any idea who fred is until tumblr tifosi discover a team named charlie's angels and break their cover

max spends most of his days of summer break streaming his sim races on twitch way past 3am not necessarily because he wants to but because he would do anything to piss off helmut marko who coincidentally sees the content on social media and gets so angry the monica geller esque vein on his forehead pops, he gets taken into a retirement home and randomly screams names of red bull juniors when watching tv from his bed, spitting his puree all over the room

estie bestie finds out about dashcon 2024, decides to support it and turn up to the event, he cosplays batman with full gear, makes his partner wear catwoman costume and even gets two more (last standing) alpine employees into costumes and inside his batmobile specially bought for this event, what a surprise it is to him when he enters and the only thing that welcomes him is a singular kid sized ball pit

lance discovers what child defiance means and decides to get a personal trainer to learn to play tennis on a professional level, he starts preparing for his atp tour debut without letting his father know and then announces he is leaving in the middle of f1 season, leaving mike krack scraping for a replacement (lance is very decent which surprises not only his father but also a few doubters among the fans)

[thcophagy]

had the roles been reversed, it was hard for paloma to know exactly what kind of response she would've had to a grudge held against charlie. it would've gone one of two ways, she either would have forgiven them immediately simply because she was too scared to be alone or the grudge would've eaten their relationship whole and she would've allowed it to destroy years and years of friendship over something that was undoubtedly not as big of a deal as she was making it out to be. in a strange way, it was lucky that it was charlie who was harbouring all of that frustration, they could deal with it in a way that wouldn't end up being cataclysmic for them both. with all the effort it had taken to apologise, she'd been expecting charlie to accept it immediately, they knew better than anyone what an impossible thing she'd done for them and surely could've recognised that had to have meant it was genuine. why not forgive her? what else could be gained from withholding the thing that would make things okay for both of them? her instinct was to speak up and question charlie's intentions but she made herself hold her tongue, her jaw tensed with the effort it took to not bark out questions as to what else charlie wanted from her. she forced herself to pause and take a shuddered breath. it was only once she'd felt that initial wave of anger wash over her that she had the bravery to nod in response, though her palms had been forced to take the brunt of her frustration through her nails digging in till small crescent moon intents remained. she didn't know what was meant to happen next between them, if she was supposed to leave as a show of good faith or if charlie should've been given more time to call out all the other things about her that made them feel sick but the suggestion of a kiss was one of the last things she'd considered being on the table. after how frequently she'd played with charlie's feelings, laughing about the concept of them ever being in a real relationship, something more than just occasional fuck buddies, it took her off guard to find that her friend still managed to harbour those desires after all her awfulness, it told paloma something she already knew- that charlie was a better person than she could ever be and if she wanted to be a good person, she'd leave and stop bringing them down to her level. she couldn't though, not now that the promise of a kiss had been offered to her, one of the few things that would make her feel like she hadn't completely ruined everything. "i won't." hesitantly, paloma took a step closer and tightened her already fisted hands in anticipation of being pushed away. "you're not an idiot, i... i am. please, charlie..."

there was too much wrong with paloma to be solved by one single argument, no matter how explosive. charlie knew that, and yet they couldn't help but hold onto hope that it'd at least force enough of a change out of her to justify being her friend again. it was a foolish belief, and one that would no doubt come to cause them even more pain in the future, but after all their years of friendship, they just couldn't let go as easily as they wished they could. they didn't want their friendship to cease to exist, they just wanted paloma to change, and while an apology wouldn't fix everything, it was certainly a start. what she really needed was some intense therapy, but charlie knew that was even more wishful thinking than expecting her to say sorry. baby steps. she'd never apologized to them before, for anything, and to do so now would speak volumes about paloma's desire to make amends before she lost charlie for good. "ok? so?" charlie forced themself to sound just as stern as paloma sounded sharp, showing her that she could follow suit if that's the energy she intended on giving them. it didn't feel good to be cold to her, but they felt as though they had no other choice. clearly continuing to give her kindness no matter what hadn't done them any good. as satisfying as it was to unleash just a fraction of the years of built up frustration they'd been holding onto, it was equal parts painful to lay it all out and be forced to reckon with just how bad things really were. they'd fallen hopelessly in love with someone who would probably never love them back in the same way, and they felt doomed no matter the outcome. "you're not?" they asked, very obviously in disbelief as they clenched their hands into fists. it was strange to see paloma seem so weak, her usual fiery demeanor dimmed to a dull ember, almost entirely extinguished by charlie's badgering. rather than offer her some sort of respite when it seemed that she was on the verge of crumbling, they held firm, merely watching her flounder until she finally gave in, delivering her very first apology. the words took their breath away, able to do little more than blink dumbly for a moment as they tried to formulate a response. "okay..." they finally murmured, shifting from foot to foot nervously. could they trust it? would it be enough to salvage their relationship? it was impossible to tell at the moment, but charlie was too tired of fighting to reject the effort altogether. "thank you for your apology. i don't forgive you yet, but... i'm thinking about it." one apology wouldn't be enough to soothe years of hurt— what they really needed was time to see whether or not paloma would actually change her behavior or simply go back to her old ways. still, it was impossible to stifle the hope that had taken root within them upon receiving her apology. "would you call me an idiot if i said i wanted to kiss you right now?"

[issaxcharlie]

We say we're friends, we play pretend (1/2)

Pairing: Charlie Gillespie x Fem reader

Summary: Charlie and Y/N were best friends and a couple as teens, after their breakup they meet again 4 years later on the bootcamp of JATP and have to work together. Will something else happen or they are just friends?

Charlie must have imagined something like this could happen. Since Kenny discovered her 5 years ago, she has been a really close friend to the director, participating in some way or another in almost all his projects.

In front of him after years, Y/N Y/L, his childhood best friend and ex-girlfriend. The young actor is not going to admit that he saw every single one of her projects or how moved he was by her in each one of them, many times even thinking of maybe sending her a little message saying the incredible job she did.

But he never found the courage.

It’s weird to remember how he spent most of his life next to the woman, now one of the top youth artists with multiple musicals and movies on her hits list. They always had a strong bond, every single day together. Sleepovers, music classes, dancing classes, homework, parties, movie nights, hockey, illness days, pretty much everything. At the age of 15 they began a very sweet and innocent relationship that ended at 18 when Y/N moved to New York to work in her first leading role.

The break up was on good terms but painful, so painful that both preferred to lose contact completely than to have the other from time to time opening the wound again and again.

And there she was. As beautifil as ever, speaking happily with Kenny while Madison and Owen jump up and down, Jeremy smiles and Charlie looks like he wants to throw up.

“Y/N Y/L, my golden star. She is the official composer of the soundtrack, and she will be supporting you throughout the album process as well as helping Paul and me in other creative aspects, I know she is the same age as some of you but she has a lot of experience in this and all the necessary preparation so don't hesitate to get all the knowledge you can out of her."

Everyone introduces themselves until the guitarist is the only one left, luckily for him, he’s in voice rest these two weeks so he literally cannot speak.

They both look nervous but the moment their eyes meet their complicity comes out and both smile slightly.

“He’s Charlie, he is in voice rest but we are fans of yours. We cried yesterday watching your last musical, it was just brilliant." Owen lets out hardly breathing, Y/N turns with a smile to see the Canadian boy who wants to kill his friend and then commit suicide.

“Thank you! This is going to be such an interesting experience.” The singer murmurs as she winks at Charlie.

2 hours later they had both been avoiding each other, Y/N writing in a corner while the band and Kenny discuss costumes with Soyon, in which at least half an hour has been wasted trying to understand what Charlie is trying to say with the few words he writes with an apple pencil on his ipad in his horrible handwritting.

Y/N gets frustrated and goes to where they are, approaching behind Charlie's shoulder to see the iPad. She quickly identifies the two words, one so crossed out that it looks like a doodle, but years copying each other's homework pays off.

"He's trying to say that if Luke isn't going to wear bandanas, at least consider wearing beanies." The young woman says as she leans on the shoulder of who was her first love.

Charlie freezes at their proximity, blushing a little at the feeling of being close after so long. Luckily his castmates don't realize it because all their attention is on her.

“You are just good for everything huh? Even deciphering hieroglyphs." Owen comments, smiling at her and winking exaggeratedly to make her laugh.

Charlie can't help but feel insecure with the situation. It could be a friendly thing but If Owen really tries to flirt with her, he doesn't know how he would react. Is sad enough not having her in his life anymore, having her as his best friend's girlfriend would just be too painful.

Now, he knows he’s exaggerating, and a lot. But he has to do something about it. Better safe than sorry.

He stretches his neck to meet the eyes of his ex-girlfriend, who is now only inches away. She quickly gets flustered, but hides it pretty well. The problem is that he knows every gesture perfectly and sees through her mask.

“Wh- What, Gillespie?” She manages to say, Charlie can’t help a smile seeing the way she still reacts towards him.

When you know a person completely, every facet, every gesture, every peculiarity, speaking without words is as natural as breathing. And they had both forgotten how amazing it feels to have someone in your life who is this compatible and magnetic.

They start a conversation, she answers to who secretly still believes as her person while he continues making gestures and mimics that no one else understands, writing a word from time to time to make the talk flow better.

"I know. Hey, it's not my fault! So you excuse yourself with the ‘can't talk’ thing huh? how convenient. Yeah, Ok, I will. I said I will!" Her words are the only thing that they manage to get out of the conversation that the secret ex-couple is having, since no matter how much attention they pay to him, they have no idea how Y/N manages to decipher it.

"I have no idea what's going on but I'll take it as a miracle, I was just going to suggest ignoring Charlie these 2 weeks." Jeremy jokes, everyone nods their heads.

��I mean, it’s still a good option.” Madison replies.

The 14 days go by quickly, and with the former couple spending time together daily, rehearsing Charlie's guitar solos together, with Y/N translating his horrible scribbles, or sometimes simply being close to each other enjoying the company, absentmindedly placing their hand on the other's leg or their forehead on their shoulder for a few seconds during the breaks.

Basically the whole team has noticed the flirtatious smiles and the looks, but Charlie was the weakest rival of both and the one who could release some information about it, and without being able to speak they basically ran out of an informant, since the young singer didn’t let go a word about her unexpected chemistry with the guitarist except the typical ‘we are just good friends’.

But without a doubt the energies began to multiply on Monday when Charlie arrived with the green light to be able to speak and start singing in rehearsals. Madison couldn't attend the first few hours because she was at school, so Y/N was going to cover her so the boys could practice.

“The first on the list is Finally Free, the place where we are going to record it only gave us two weeks from now so it will have to be one of the priorities. For the first rehearsal just vibe with the song and we’ll discover where to go from there. Oh, and good luck keeping up with my golden star, you’ll need it."

Y/N starts the first verse on the keyboard, and gets up to sing the chorus in the center, trying to ignore Charlie and looking up at Jeremy. She hadn’t heard him sing for a couple of years, but the same butterflies appear in her stomach and she knows that she will melt if she looks into his eyes.

Unfortunately for her, Kenny doesn't have the same plan, and just before the second verse ends he tells her to walk over to Charlie, who immediately smiles and sings the pre-chorus with much more enthusiasm. The energy they radiate floods the place, both getting closer and closer. By the time the bridge arrives, their foreheads are practically against each other, their lips only an inch apart, and with a confidence and comfort while singing to each other that makes all those who suspected that there was something between them now practically sure.

Luckily there are only Jeremy, Kenny, Owen and Paul in the room, who decide to play a game of divide and conquer now that the snitch part of the equation can speak.

“Y/N, can you come with me for a moment? I have a new idea for ‘Wow’ and a fresh pair of eyes is just what I need.” Paul says, sacrificing himself for the greater good.

“Yeah, of course, I’ll be right back.” The singer takes the opportunity to leave this staring game with Charlie and quickly walks away from the guitarist, who winks at her in a flirting way in response.

The moment they walk out the door, everyone turns to see Charlie, who has no idea what they're up to.

“What?”

"After what just happened you just can't keep pretending nothing's happening. Man, that was more intense than the whole Troyella moments during all three movies." Kenny pretends to be offended for a second and then nods.

"I have never seen anything like this in all my years of career."

“Yeah dude it was electric.” Owen replies, smirking.

“She’s my person.” Charlie mumbles.

If he’s being honest with himself, deep down he always knew she was the only one for him. But that realization was freaking scary. What's next if the only person for you has already turned the page? gave up without a fight? what's left?

"What?" The three ask in unison, and Charles begins to sing like a bird.

“We grew up together and then we lost the way. Like in those romantic movies where just everyone knows they belong together except the childhood best friends and then they end up ruining their lives by being in denial.”

“From what I saw getting back on track shouldn't be too difficult, Charlie. I assure you that whatever you feel she feels it too. Her eyes don’t lie." Jeremy tries to reason with him.

“Leave your teen problems behind. You are old enough to decide what you want and find a way to make it work. But you have to stop pretending that nothing is happening first." Owen scolds his friend.

“Do you love her?” Jer asks.

“That answer is always going to be yes, I just could never stop loving her even If I tried. And I did.” He really did. The surprise he got when the second he had her close to him his heart began to beat like crazy and all he wanted was to hug her and fix everything. It was as if when seeing her eyes time hadn’t passed, as if only the day before they’d been goofing around together. That bond is so big that he doesn’t believe it’s possible to break.

“Then do something about it, bro! Go get your girl back!” Jeremy advises while Kenny smiles.

“Yeah man, it’s ‘Now or never’ like her song, and I guess ours too now? Since she wrote it for Sunset Curve? Well, anyway, it’s like our song says.” Owen exclaims excitedly.

“Ohhh, musical inspiration, let me try. ‘Get up, get out, relight that spark’.” Jeremy sings to Charlie.

“Jer, you are a genius. If you think about it wake up is actually a pretty good soundtrack song for this situation. ‘It's not what you lost, It's what you'll gain raising your voice in the rain’.”

They both keep singing the song until they reach the bridge, Charlie tries to look frustrated but a slight smile escapes his face.

They are right, he still hasn't lost this fight.

👻PART 2 RIGHT HERE

[destieltropecollection]

Destiel Trope Collection 2021 | Day 10: OMG They Were Roommates!

Showing Affection | @destielshipper4cas

Rating: Teen & Up Word Count: 1,760 Main Tags/Warnings: Friends to Lovers, Fluff, Cuddling & Snuggling, Pining, Omega Cas, Alpha Dean Summary: When Dean’s girlfriend breaks up with him because he ‘isn’t capable of showing affection,’ he is hell-bent on proving her wrong. His best friend and roommate Cas seems like the best test subject to do so. After all, showing affection comes easy to him when Cas is concerned.

Hot Mess | @vampamber

Rating: Explicit Word Count: 3,069 Main Tags/Warnings: pwp, recreational drug use, Cas acts like endverse Cas, voyeurism, mutual masturbation Summary: When he’d placed the ad for a roommate, Dean hadn't exactly got what he expected. The first guy to answer had been exactly what he expected, sure. Gordon seemed perfectly acceptable on paper, but something about him creeped Dean out. He did a quick background search on the guy after he said he'd think about it, and was glad he did. Two different assault charges, even though they were almost a decade ago, still made Dean decide to never call the guy, no matter how desperate he got. The second guy that showed, though? Dean had no idea what he’d been thinking, even letting him through the door. He reeked of pot, and looked like he might've been at least a little high during the interview. But he had great references from all his former roommates, and nothing came up on the background check Dean did after he left (not even a possession charge, like Dean had expected), and since New York was such a damn expensive place to live, he called him up and said the room was his.

My Love is Carried to You By My Feet | @one-more-offbeat-anthem

Rating: Teen & Up Word Count: 3,337 Main Tags/Warnings: snowed in, friends to lovers, roommates, sickfic, writer!Castiel, nursing student Dean Summary: Dean and his roommate and best friend, Cas, are snowed in together for the time being, which wouldn't be so bad if Dean hadn't been hopelessly in love with Cas for years. And then Dean gets a cold.

Pizza Man | @imbiowaresbitch

Rating: Explicit Word Count: 3,406 Main Tags/Warnings: The Pizza Man (Supernatural), Explicit Sexual Content, Anal Sex, Top Castiel/Bottom Dean Winchester, POV Alternating, Love Confessions Summary: Dean and Castiel are roommates in their third year of college. Cas frantically shows his best friend a horrible typo on the latest ad for the pizza place where he works, just knowing it's going to ruin his night.

You're My Home | @maleyah-givemetomorrow

Rating: Mature Word Count: 3,724 Main Tags/Warnings: Genderfluid Cas, bisexual Dean, protective Dean, hurt/comfort, Soft boys, getting together, friends to lovers, coming out, first kiss, cuddles, fluff Summary: His tongue is glued to the roof of his mouth, when he tries to speak, so the one word sounds like a whole effort, slurred and gruff. “Cas?” There’s a sharp intake of breath and then the hesitant clicking of heels on the floor. “Dean…? You’re awake?” “Mmyeah,” he groans. He wants to move, but he fell asleep in the worst position and he’s stuck in the sheets, his legs tingling violently. “You alright?”

Infamous | @verobatto

Rating: Explicit Word Count: 3,815 Main Tags/Warnings: Pornstar!Dean, roommates, smut, top!Dean, bottom!Castiel, friends to lovers Summary: Dean is secretly in love with his best friend and roomate Castiel. But it's not the only secret he keeps. Dean is one of the most hot bisexual Pornstars in the industry. Dean knows Castiel never would find out his secret because the guy is the most puritan socially awkward man in the world, and he would never watch a porn movie. But Hannah, Castiel's girlfriend, decides to play him a joke and one night he surprises her boyfriend with a gay porn movie called 'Infamous'. Imagine Castiel's face when he sees Dean, the friend he knows for years, playing the main role with a magnificent performance.

Revelations | @shealynn88

Rating: Teen & Up Word Count: 6,727 Main Tags/Warnings: Concern that someone is suicidal (they aren’t) Summary: Dean is a mechanic in Sioux Falls. Castiel is the new gas station attendant. Dean needs a roommate, Cas needs a place to live. And thus, they were roommates!

Yes Homo | @celipuff

Rating: Explicit Word Count: 10,012 Main Tags/Warnings: Roommates, Top!Cas/Bottom!Dean, Top!Dean/Bottom!Cas, Switching, Bisexual Dean, Gay Castiel, Dean’s First Time With A Man, Mutual Masturbation Summary: Dean tells himself that jacking off next to his best friend isn’t homo if they don’t touch. The problem is... once he sees it? He absolutely wants to touch.

Molly Ringwald is Still a Bitch | @kingdumbass

Rating: Explicit Word Count: 13,871 Main Tags/Warnings: College AU, Roommate AU, Mutual Pining, Top!Dean/Bottom!Cas Summary: Castiel has got it bad for his college roommate Dean, but Dean would never fall for a guy like Castiel... Would he?

Grow For Me | @imbiowaresbitch

Rating: Explicit Word Count: 20,082 Main Tags/Warnings: Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, top Alpha Castiel/bottom Omega Dean Winchester, Explicit Sexual Content, Mating Cycles/In Heat, Biting, Claiming Bites, Mpreg, Misunderstandings, Alternate Universe - Roommates/Housemates, Mutual Pining, Sexual Tension, Sexual dialogue, Happy Ending Summary: Dean is desperate for a housemate after Charlie moves out. After interviewing several potential tenants with near disastrous results, he meets Cas. Can the lawyer with the strange habit of talking to plants fit into Dean's life?

The Winchester Breakfast Special | @thefandomsinhalor

Rating: Explicit Word Count: 33,602 Main Tags/Warnings: Modern Setting AU, Top Castiel/Bottom Dean, Castiel Has a Crush on Dean, Hurt Dean Winchester, Pining, Miscommunications Summary: Watching Dean cook breakfast after a long night of steamy passion is something Castiel gets to witness on nearly every Sunday morning. The only problem is that the meal in question is never cooked for him: He’s just the roommate.

alone together | @dothwrites

Rating: Explicit Word Count: 74,239 Main Tags/Warnings: Quarantine Fic, Roommates, Mutual Pining, Idiots in Love, minor angst, Domestic Fluff Summary: Like the rest of the world, Dean Winchester’s job sent him home with the supplies necessary to work from home and a vague farewell of “We’ll see you when this all blows over”. Unlike the rest of the world, Dean Winchester is entering into a quarantine with Castiel Novak, his incredibly hot and incredibly uninterested roommate. How is Dean supposed to concentrate on his job while Cas is just a few feet away, being...well, Cas? Castiel Novak was already working from home, so the news of social distancing doesn’t affect him that much. What does send him into a panic is the knowledge that Dean Winchester, his stunning and straight roommate, will also be working from home for the foreseeable future. After spending so long trying to distance himself from Dean, Castiel now has to face a future where Dean is present. All. The. Time. They’ve got food, Internet, and all the toilet paper they need, but neither one of them is prepared for quarantine.

[britesparc]

Weekend Top Ten #498

Top Ten Movie Cameos

The first time I think I ever noticed someone cameoing in a movie was Steven Spielberg. I was watching The Blues Brothers, and there was this guy, who I was sure was Mr. The Berg. I must have seen him in some behind-the-scenes something or the other. But he was a director, not an actor, so it couldn’t have been him, right? Then years later I was reading Empire, and sure enough, I was vindicated. It was indeed the play mountain himself. But more on that later.

So, cameos, then. What is a cameo? Now, in my opinion, I think it really has to be small. Really, it should just be one scene – or even one shot. The smaller the better. I’ve seen people online refer to Judi Dench in Shakespeare in Love or Tom Cruise in Tropic Thunder as cameos, which is very, very daft, as those are clearly supporting roles – even if they are quite small (and remember, Dench didn’t win her Oscar for “Best Cameo”, she won it for “We Meant To Give You This Last Year”, which is a very important category in the Oscars). I also think the best cameos should be unexpected; a nice surprising treat. And usually they’re funny – the incongruity of seeing that person in this film. Because that’s the other thing: for a cameo to really work, the person cameoing has to be kinda famous. For instance, some might say that Ashley Johnson in The Avengers is a cameo, but whilst she’s obviously awesome and prodigiously talented, I don’t think she’s instantly recognisable enough (which, y’know, she’s mostly famous as a voice actor); also there’s nothing inherently funny or surprising about her role, she’s a waitress who’s saved by Captain America. It doesn’t feel like it’s saying anything to have Johnson play that role, other than I guess Joss Whedon wanted her in the movie (it’s actually funnier that her brief scene is referenced in Loki, because Kate Herron had the whole of the MCU to draw from in a montage, but chose to use an unknown character who’s in one tiny bit of one film, entirely because she’s a huge fan of The Last of Us – see, that is arguably a cameo).

So my rationale for what is and isn’t a cameo might seem complex or even arbitrary, but when has that stopped me in the past? And so, with no further ado, we now get deep into the weeds of it and celebrate my favourite movie cameos of all time. Oh, and there’s no Bill Murray here; I know, I know, it’s a really famous cameo, but, er, I’ve never seen Zombieland. Sorry.

Stan Lee in Pretty Much Everything (2000-2019): I mean, who else? The absolute King of Cameos. Lee was a massive publicity hound all his life, and passed up no opportunity to get in front of the camera, so once big, proper movies were being made of his comics, he was right there, selling hot dogs in X-Men (2000), rescuing children in Spider-Man (2002), and then right through every MCU film until his sad death in 2019 (and even popping up in Teen Titans!). Hearing him tell Miles Morales “I'm going to miss him,” in Into the Spider-Verse chokes me up every time.

Carrie Fisher & George Lucas in Hook (1991): this has always been one of my favourites because unlike virtually every other entry in this list, you only know this if you’ve been told. But it’s funny and it’s sweet. When Tinkerbell takes Peter to Neverland, she flies over a bridge, where a silhouetted couple are seen canoodling. Her pixie dust falls across them, and they begin to float into the air. And apparently the unrecognisable couple are played by Princess Leia and the director of Star Wars. Which, I think you’ll agree, is pretty cool (Hook is really good for cameos).

Brad Pitt in Deadpool 2 (2018): having an invisible character offers plenty of opportunity for some good gags, especially in a Deadpool movie, but the real laugh in the film comes when the Vanisher is electrocuted and we get to see his face for a split second. And – ha – it turns out to be the hugely mega-famous Brad Pitt. It’s funny because he’s a massive star.

Martin Sheen in Hot Shots! Part Deux (1993): it’s one thing for the movie to do an Apocalypse Now gag, as Charlie Sheen’s Topper Harley sails down a river on a military boat, but hanging a lampshade on it by making it cross over with Martin Sheen’s Willard from the classic seventies Vietnam epic is another thing entirely. And then both actors notice each other – ha, funny, they’re father and son in real life – and say in unison, “I loved you in Wall Street!”. Very on-the-nose all the funnier for it.

Steven Spielberg in The Blues Brothers (1980): well, I mentioned him, and here he is, a totally nonplussed-looking administrator bloke just merrily eating a sandwich. He’s frightfully young (I’m guessing he was probably about 32 or 33) and he’s got a big brown tache instead of his usual ‘Berg Beard, he’s dressed very smartly and he’s awfully polite. His demeanour is hilariously in stark contrast to the mayhem around him, and his public persona is also hilariously in contrast to the raucous and ribald mood of the movie.

Cate Blanchett in Hot Fuzz (2007): this is one I didn’t even notice till I read about it after seeing the movie. In a very funny scene where Simon Pegg’s Nick Angel chats to his ex-girlfriend Janine, she is head-to-toe in forensic gear throughout, with a mask covering her face, so all we see are her eyes. But the gag of it is, she’s played by the phenomenally famous Cate Blanchett. You get a megastar to do one scene but make her unrecognisable. So funny it beats Peter Jackson’s evil Santa.

Don Ameche & Ralph Bellamy in Coming to America (1988): this is another one I remember finding hilarious when I was a kid. Walking down the street late at night with love interest Lisa (Shari Headley), Akeem (Eddie Murphy) nonchalantly gives a huge wad of cash to some poor homeless bums. But it turns out that they’re played by Murphy’s old Trading Places co-stars Ameche and Bellamy – and they refer to each other by their character names from that earlier film. “We’re back!” declares Ameche, referencing the end of Trading Places, when their crooked broker characters were defeated and ruined by Murphy and Dan Aykroyd. It’s a great bit of shared-universe tomfoolery, and very funny for fans of Murphy’s movies. Oh, and speaking of Aykroyd…

Dan Aykroyd in Casper (1995): in 1995 it had been six long, bitter years without a new Ghostbusters film; back then, we could still hold out hope for a proper Ghostbuster 3. Sadly that never came to pass, but it was a very pleasant surprise when Ray Stantz himself popped up in Casper, of all things, fearfully running out of Whipstaff Manor in full ghostbusting regalia and declaring, “Who ya gonna call? Someone else!”. I mean, after facing down Gozer and Vigo and who knows what else, you’d think three sarcastic arsehole ghosts would be no match for him, but maybe the ‘busters were having tough times. Maybe this will all be backstory in Ghostbusters: Afterlife. Maybe Cathy Moriarty and Eric Idle will return the favour and do cameos of their own. We can but hope.

Matt Damon, Luke Hemsworth, & Sam Neill in Thor: Ragnarok (2017): twenty years ago you could point to Goldmember as the, er, gold standard in multi-character cameo pile-ups. And while that is great – Danny DeVito giving the finger, Spielberg back-flipping – I think it’s been surpassed by this minor gaggle of stars hamming it up. Matt Damon – famouser than anyone actually billed in the movie – is An Actor Playing Loki. Dr. Alan Grant from Jurassic Park is An Actor Playing Odin (whilst Odin’s actor, Anthony Hopkins, plays Tom Hiddleston playing Loki playing Odin – do keep up), and Thor’s Real-Life Brother plays An Actor Playing Thor. It’s all delightfully meta and hilarious.

Ollie Johnston & Frank Thomas in The Incredibles (2004): this one’s really sweet, and like the Hook cameo, would very easily slip you by. At the end of the film, after the climactic battle, two old men cheer on the superheroes – “That’s old school!” “Yep, no school like the old school!” – but what’s great is that they’re voiced by – and designed to look like – Ollie Johnston and Frank Thomas, the last two surviving members of the famous “Nine Old Men” group of Disney animators, who’d worked on many of the classic Disney films. This was Pixar and director Brad Bird giving a tip of the hat to the legends who came before them, and made all the sweeter by the fact that Johnston and Thomas (both sadly now deceased) were absolute best buds in real life. A cameo that educates and makes you think! How nice!

There you go. Sadly no room for any of the many great Star Wars cameos, from Daniel Craig through to George Lucas’ entire family. Oh well!

[rebeccalouisaferguson]

Back to the Future – Glass talks to Swedish actor Rebecca Ferguson about her roles in Dune, Mission: Impossible and the lessons we can learn from spaghetti

Rebecca Ferguson is on location in Budapest, possibly dressed up as a sci-fi high priestess with glowing blue eyes and a three-pronged bouffant. Dune, Denis Villeneuve’s 2020 reinterpretation of David Lynch’s 1984 Frank Herbert adaptation, needs reshoots of its own, so Ferguson is talking to me over the phone in between takes from what sounds like a galaxy far, far away …

In accordance with “soon-to-be-released-Sci-Fi-epic” law, Dune is shrouded in secrecy. As yet there are no behind the scenes featurettes, and no leaked stills to give an insight into Villeneuve’s vision for Ferguson’s character, Lady Jessica, the age-agnostic mother of Timothée Chalamet’s cosmic hero, Paul Atreides.

So, I do the only thing you can do when imagining the new cast of a reboot and attach Ferguson’s disembodied head to the beheaded body of her Lady Jessica predecessor. Et voilà, Rebecca Ferguson: live from Budapest, possibly looking like a futuristic, blue eyed, heavily bouffanted, Lynchian high priestess.

She’s called back from a location with better phone coverage and we’re discussing cities, from the “incredible” (Budapest), to the inhabitable (London, Ferguson’s second home), via LA, which, putting it mildly, fits neither criteria in the 37-year-old’s glowing blue eyes. “The idea of moving to LA has never, ever, ever been on my agenda,” she declares.

The first thing that strikes you about Ferguson is that she’s passionate talking about practically everything. “Look, there are people I love, who love it there … and I get it. When people there look at you and smile, there is a joy,” she pauses, reliving early encounters with LA, and smiles … “And a happiness which is so lovely and endearing and light – but I can’t take it too long. I just want to smoke a cigarette and kind of blow it in someone’s face.” An apology seems on the tip of her tongue, but she decides it would ruin the joke, and merely says, “I don’t actually smoke, by the way.”

She spends much of the year in a Swedish fishing village – “a different world”, she says, possessing all the things she loves: row boats, the ocean, her friends, grilling fish and just the right amount of smiling and joy. Ferguson’s open and only slightly sardonic disdain for the folly of wanton joy suggests, to me, two things. One: that while she clearly loves Sweden, the place of her birth and homeland of her father, the English side of her mother is potent.

And two: the ability to “get in and get out”, as she puts it, remains a priority. As a teen, Ferguson was unknown to the world but famous in Sweden as the star of soap opera Nya Tider. When the show ended and she was 15, she got out. “I studied, had a beautiful child, worked in restaurants, shops, God … in hotels – I did everything.” Everything but act, other than a couple of minor, un-recurring TV roles and student films in exchange for free lunch.

“I never wanted to go to drama school, mainly because I didn’t want to be like every other Swede in film. Not to criticise Lars Norén or … Ingrid Bergman, but all I could think was ‘I don’t want to be a drama student with a fucking purple beret on my head, I don’t want to be like them’. I think, now, looking back, I was just terrified I wasn’t going to get in.”

Eleven years after Nya Tider, Ferguson starred in Swedish language film, A One-Way Trip to Antibes. “And that was the gateway for me.” Soon after she was cast as Queen Elizabeth in BBC period drama The White Queen, which was less a conveyer belt towards ‘the big time’ as it was a treadmill cranked to 11. But playing Queen Elizabeth on the BBC isn’t without its drawbacks – play the role well enough and the whole world will think you’re English.

Being called Rebecca Ferguson probably doesn’t help, and her English is too perfect to be considered a second language. Most of all, though, it’s to do with the version of Englishness that lives so prominently in Ferguson: her mother’s version. “My mother is quintessentially English,” she says. “When she came over to Sweden, words and expressions like ‘whoops-a-daisy, ‘holy moly’ and ‘kerfuffle’ still existed – it’s how she spoke and it became the natural way of speaking for me, too.”

It made Ferguson a convincing Brit, laying the groundwork for the most seamless England/Sweden switcheroo since Ferguson’s own mother integrated so adeptly into her adopted home that, in 1975, she was awarded the ultimate endorsement: appearing on the sleeve of an Abba album. And yet, beyond the whimsical lingo, Ferguson is neither stiff, stoical nor repressed – three fundamentals of Britishness.

On chat-shows, she’s gregarious and tactile and warm, and this confuses people who go by the “if it looks like a Brit and sounds like a Brit …” metric. It’s a little like painting a cat with black and white stripes and saying, “what’s wrong with that zebra and why is it such an outrageous flirt?” “I’ve seen those bloody comments! It’s so weird. It makes me think I should stop touching people altogether, which is sad because, you know … we’re here, we’re together, we’re human beings.”

The problem is, when your wagon’s hitched to a vehicle like Mission: Impossible, where each instalment is an event, and every instalment ends with the promise of another instalment (Episodes 7 and 8 are in the works), chat show appearances are unending. Rumour is that number seven will be filmed in space, which is a worthwhile trade for the talk-show couch merry-go-round, depending on where you stand on heights. “In space? That’s news to me, but with TC nothing surprises me.”

TC is, of course, Mr Mission Impossible: Tom Cruise. “So,” I ask her, would she do it? “I would probably say ‘fuck off’ to that. Heights are my greatest fear and I’m not doing cognitive therapy acting … then again, I never thought I would jump 40 metres off that house in Vienna (Mission: Impossible – Rogue Nation). That was bloody terrifying. But I did it … and got to do something that I never thought I would do, so maybe it is all just therapy?”

He’s a force of nature,” Ferguson says. “I’ve never met anyone like him.” There’s a unique fascination around Cruise, due to his personal life and the idea that the line separating him from his Mission Impossible character, Ethan Hunt, has become almost non-existent; that the actor has permanently morphed into the character, who now spends his days playing the role of the actor he once was. Which is a crazy suggestion, obviously, but Cruise is so intensely fascinating that I can’t help such ideas whirl through my head whenever I see him interviewed “out of character”.

I ask Ferguson what it’s like to have a relationship with someone so divisive, who invokes such strong opinions, and whether she feels strangely protective of Cruise. “I don’t think I can. I feel there’s no need to be protective of him. He’s powerful …  just the way he is. I feel like I’m supported by him all the time.” Nor does she tire of being asked about him. “He’s an interesting person to talk about, and a very interesting person to get to know.

The boyish charm, the need to always be doing fun things for everyone while making sure everyone feels safe … Sometimes we’ll start laughing and unbuckling our seatbelts just to fuck with him,” which weirdly is the only Tom Cruise anecdote I think I’ll ever need. “We’ve had some beautiful moments filming together.”

On which note, with our allotted 30 minutes long expired, I ask Ferguson what ‘together’ means to her, but she seems to have re-entered whatever foreign galaxy she started the interview in, and the question gets chewed up on its way over. She responds, “spaghetti?” which, after some clarification and deliberation, we decide to stick with, despite the kerfuffle. “Because togetherness is the opposite of isolation and segregation,” and nothing represents the importance of togetherness like than the profoundly sad sight of a lone strand of spaghetti.

by Charlie Navin-Holder

[mirinda03]

CONVENTIONAL FAMILY? Who’s that?

<<<Previous Next>>>

Chapter 17: In which Logan has been permanently traumatized and Roman is a mess

Logan, now permanently traumatized by the dynamic between the elusive Sanders family, got in his car.

Immediately, he turned away from the chaos that was the Sanders house and intently drove away, planning to not come back to the house as long as he could.

Logan was, for all it was worth, a reasonable man. He knew that, logically speaking, he shouldn’t judge the sanders family from one impression.

Then again....

That was QUITE the first impression.

Shaking his head while still keeping his eyes dutifully on the road, Logan focused his whole attention into driving home. He just hoped that his house helped him forget the confusing things he had witnessed. Or, more accurately, heard.

He arrived after a while, parking the car and entering his house.

He noted the absolute silence in the room and almost sighed in relief. But, his sighing was cut short by sounds of roman pacing.

How exactly did Logan know it was Roman pacing?

By the indistinguishable and way too loud stomps the teen did.

Logan sighed, this time from frustration instead of relief. What was it now?

He went up the stairs and was about to knock on Roman’s room when he noticed the door was open.

Logan pushed the door lightly, staring impassively into the room where Roman was.

The teen was stomping, as Logan had deduced, while Princess, the Berry family’s persian cat, simply watched him walk and followed him with her head.

Logan had been opposed to the idea of getting Princess at first, finding an animal to be an unnecessary addition to their family. They DID have the space for a pet, but Logan still found no use to getting one.

But Roman had been stubborn about getting a pet. The boy fought and fought until finally, Logan allowed Roman to get a small pet.

Logan had meant a goldfish or a hamster.

Naturally, Roman chose a cat of all things. He reasoned that Princess (back then a kitten) was small and therefore counted. Logan had been quick to argue, of course, but had found it useless since they had already purchased the cat and the cat food by that time.

The cat in question looked up through wide eyes to stare at Logan. She had grown since they adopted her for sure, but she never quite lost that kitty charm that had drawn Roman in.

Of course, Logan knew the cat’s true nature. Roman might think she was an angel, but Logan had way too many shoes as proof that Princess was in fact a secret mastermind intent on ruining the house’s overal cleanliness.

Oh what a devious monster that cat was.

Logan didn’t let himself dwell on memories of Princess’ many crimes, instead looking up at his still pacing son.

“Roman” Logan said sternly “Why are you pacing around your room?”

Roman looked up, looking like a deer caught in headlight.

‘Not literally of course” Logan thought to himself “He didn’t transform into a deer or gain black eyes or antlers. He’s still very much human’

“Uhh—“Roman started, clearly intent on lying.

Logan was not having it and continued with his impassive look.

After a moment, Roman finally let out a small sigh

“Okay, fine” he said defeatedly “i’ll tell you why i’m pacing around”

~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~~•~•~

“Well? Why are you pacing around” Roman’s dad asked, looking impatient after Roman’s dramatic pause for effect

“I’m getting there” Roman whined before clearing his throat “as I was saying, i’ll tell you why i was pacing around”

Pause.

A glare.

“Fine fine” Roman said, raising his hands. After a moment, his expression turned genuinely somber

“There’s this... school play coming up, which concerns me a bit” Roman says after a moment “And I’m also a bit worried about.... Virgil”

Saying his name was always a weird occurrence for Roman. He was so used to the quips and nicknames, but found that it wasn’t appropriate right now. His worry wouldn’t communicate quite as well if he didn’t even call the emo nightmare by his name.

(Roman was, after all, one of the few not emotionally constipated people and he held on to that title proudly)

His father, Logan Berry, did NOT get into the ‘not emotionally constipated’ category

“Worried about Virgil?” His dad asked “Why would you be worried about Virgil?”

Roman sighed as if he were in pain. This conversation was so painfully awkward that he might as well have been.

“I— I don’t know! I just am” Roman said defeatedly “And the school play thing isn’t helping either”

Roman went on

“I auditioned for the school play this year and I got a very big role for a freshman. There’s seniors that auditioned for the role! And still, I got it. It’s a lot of pressure”Roman said, sharing some of his insecurities “and we’re heavily understaffed for the play which means the play might not even happen and if it does, it’ll be a bloodbath”

The last part might have been a bit overdramatic, but Roman did tend to be overdramatic

“Bloodbath?” Logan asked before realizing this was one of the instances of Roman talking metaphorically “As in, it’ll be bad?”

“Yesss!”

“Oh” Logan said neutrally, sounding robotic to Roman “What are you understaffed in?”

“We’re missing backstage crew” Roman said, pouting as he did “you don’t seem too worried”

“Because i’m not” Logan said matter-of-factly “You could ask Virgil to help”

If Roman had been drinking anything, he would have spit his drink like they did in drama shows. Alas, he was drink-less therefore he settled on spluttering wildly

“Vi-Virgil?” Roman said “That gloomy gloom? He wouldn’t go near the drama club in a million dreams. Why would you consider him?”

“Well, I had an... enlightening conversation with Virgil and found out through ‘small talk’ that he was good with tech” Logan explained “Therefore, he could help as the backstage crew”

Roman was ready to laugh, thinking Logan was joking. But one glance at Logan’s deadpanned expression and remembering who he was talking to made him realize Logan was being serious.

Huh.

Now that he thought about it....

“You know what, Pops? That’s a pretty good idea” Roman said with a grin. He remembered the moment he almost had with Virgil and thought that maybe it could work.

“And really, you shouldn’t be so worried about it” Logan continued “The school play is really far away, so you have plenty of time to prepare.”

Roman smiled, knowing this was Logan’s way to comfort him.

His smile was wiped by Logan’s next words.

“And even I appreciate that you’re choosing to start earlier than your peers, you should focus on more pressing matters. Like your math test coming up”

Roman’s eyes widened. Oh shucks. His math test!

He turned away from Logan and sat at his desk, beginning to flip through his notebook with wide eyes.

Logan exited the room, smug that he got Roman to study at last.

The little demon cat followed after him, which showed Logan that he had succeeded even further. Roman would have never been able to focus with Princess on his room.

As he went down the stairs and towards his study to get more work done, Logan felt like the traumatizing events he went through had been pushed aside. He just had to avoid encountering the Sanders and life would go back to normal.

Oh if only he knew that trying to avoid the Sanders was like trying to put out a fire with more fire (something the Sanders WERE prone to doing). It was simply impossible.

Taglist:

@quietmob

@wasinotwantedatthisexactsecond

@approachcape

@brilewblue

@selenechris

@thespian-that-cries-a-lot

@that-weird-kid-charlie

@angst1is1my1aesthetic

@croftersjam15

@cardigancomics

@someonehelp

@avacado-egg

@pumpkin8686

@misterteaz

@sneaky-slytherin

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@pansexualpuppet

@wolfricwolfblood

@the-melody-of-eliza

@nonbinary-bitch

@sunshinenotdick

@llilli16

[ofsvnlightt]

it’s been a while since i’ve done one of these! update for jester

her memories were up through episode 130 but now they’ll be from 136! instead of doing an in character self para, i’m just going to do bullet points this time. it’s still going to be a very long post though. 🤷‍♀️ 

also, a quick note, i loved using amanda arcuri as jester’s fc because of her blue hair but she had minimal resources and she looked too young for how i picture jester. so now she’s back to laura harrier, who i’ve used previously. and despite her being brunette, jester still has blue hair!! :)

jester’s updated memories, aka a walk through 6 episodes of critical role:

short version:

currently ahead of the tomb takers, the mighy nein arrive at a secret entrance lucien had mentioned and begin their way into another section of the aeoran ruins. setting a trap, they successfully ambush the tomb takers, killing 3 of the 5. lucien and cree get away and now they’re chasing them...again, instead of being ahead like they were.  finally catching up, lucien opens a portal to the astral sea. him and cree jump in, threshold crests in hand, and begin floating toward the cognoza ward. beginning to fight but ultimately avoiding a huge water elemental, the nein also make it through the portal in pursuit of the two remaining members of the tomb takers. they need to stop them from bringing this section of aeor back to the material plane.

loooong version: numbers in parentheses are the ep numbers  

so, where we last left off, the nein were bedding down for the night in caduceus’ home, the blooming grove. (130)

the next morning, caleb teleports the nein to eiselcross. magic is tricky here due to the ruins of aeor, but luckily, they’re only about two days away from their target, the vurmas outpost, where essek is located. (131)

they make it there without issue, and recruit essek for their trip into some of the ruins as well as their eventual fight against lucien and the tomb takers. 

making it to lucien’s secret entrance (thanks to the wildmother) the nein begin their trek into the depths of aeor to try to beat lucien to whatever he’s planning to do to bring the cognoza ward back.

 they almost immediately get attacked by 3 undead ice giants. (132) but they make it out alive, killing two and turning one into a sloth.

as they continue their journey and after some yasha/veth hijinks, they’re still down hp but run into some more monsters, behirs. they defeat them too though. (132/133)

continuing, they come upon a portion of the city. with invisibility from veth and flight from caleb, caduceus checks it out.

finding it safe, the rest of the nein make their way to the center of this ruin, an amphitheater. there, they find a blue dome, with people on the inside, still. frozen in time.

there’s nothing they can do, unable to find the root of the spell or whatever made the dome, so they continue on their way. after a lot of discussion of how to ambush the tomb takers since they’re ahead of them, they back track a little and set a bunch of traps. juster casts the symbol spell halfway down a cliffside, and just below, caleb, beau, and essek set 3 intuit charges.

they then go into caleb’s tower and jester prepares a hero’s feast so they’re ready for the tomb taker’s arrival. caleb takes watch (through frumpkin) outside of the tower but out of range of the intuit charges; everyone else sleeps in the tower, but in the foyer together instead of in their rooms. 

about 5 hours into their night’s rest though, essek gets word from the rangers hidden outside the ruins that there are 5 figures approaching - the tomb takers.

fjord orders to engage, hoping to slow them down a little so the nein can get a full rest. they don’t however. caleb is notified via frumpkin disappearing that the intuit charges went off so he dispels the tower, popping everyone out and waking them up.

they all rush to the location of the charges seeing 3/5 tomb takers unconscious, lucien and cree the only ones standing.

out of frustration and self preservation, cree dimension doors the two of them away.

fjord, yasha, and veth take final blows on the 3 unconscious tomb takers to super make sure they’re dead and can’t come back. veth shoots one through the mouth with her crossbow, yasha and fjord decapitate the other two. (133/134)

the nein then make their way back to the ruin from the day before, following a blood trail left by cree. 

when the trail runs dry momentarily, they continue on their way through the destroyed city. beau and veth scout ahead, coming back to report that they saw bodies of some strange aeoran creatures.

they all backtrack once again, checking out the amphitheater. essek is unable to ascertain anything about the dome as well. finding a somewhat still put together body, caduceus casts speak with dead on an aeor citizen. (ooc: they gain some important information but nothing necessary for how i’m playing jester.)

veth then inspects an automaton that was near the dome. using a scavenged gem from much earlier in the nein’s explorations of the aeoran ruins, she inserts it into the robot, bringing him to life. he’s very damaged and can’t walk, but can speak. jester offers to carry him on her back. caduceus names him charlie.

the group making it to where veth and beau were before, they all see the carnage of the battle that was done here, most likely by lucien and cree. 

stealthily going past it, they continue down the thoroughfare before coming to a wall or giant sheet of rock. following it to the left, beau finds an opening. walking through, they find more spatterings of blood, cree’s most likely. the tunnel opens into a chamber, with a pulsing spire in the middle of it. electrical. 

realizing they’ve been followed by a creature similar to the ones they’d seen earlier, that’d been killed by lucien and cree - an aeoran reverser, they run into the electric chamber and caleb casts globe of invulnerability.  from one of the other hallways, they’re greeted by another experiment, an aeoran absorber. 

they fight the creatures and slay them all, making it out alive. coming to some doors that charlie believes is to the genesis ward, the group lay outside them and take a much needed rest.

before going to sleep, jester scrys on cree. her and lucien are patching themselves up. she curls into a ball (as a cat does, she’s a tabaxi) and rests while lucien, who doesn’t need sleep, takes watch.

waking up, beau and caleb both have a third eye marking - beau’s on her chest, caleb’s on his left palm. (135)

approaching the doors, veth and fjord try to open one but a hinge snaps and it gets stuck. yasha and jester then try, successfully getting the door open. entering, the nein see before them, a wide open area, much like previous places within the ruins they’ve seen. 

however, in the center, this section of the city curves upward, as if there was an explosion of some sort from underground.

beau climbs the crater and looks down, seeing partially ruined and sheered off remnants of a subterranean city.

they all climb up to be with beau and looking down, jester sees a room just a few levels down that looks familiar from her scry.

using rope to climb down into the crater, everyone stops on the first level where there is a records room. caleb is in heaven. yasha and essek stay behind with him while the rest move on.

jester leading the way, they rest begin to climb down to the room she recognizes, but they stop on the next floor down as the rope begins to fray.

when the other three finish, caleb begins to climb down the rope, not knowing it’s somewhat compromised, and it snaps. he casts polymorph, turning himself into a bird, thus making it the rest of the way fine. essek floats down (that’s like his thing), and yasha bamfs out her wings, flying herself down. she then carries everyone down to the third level, the one they want to be on, as said by jester.

they walk down the hallway and come to a chamber where there are three rooms. one reads repair terminal. they take charlie there to fix him, setting him inside a tube. it closes and when it opens, what was once a damaged, half-robot, is now a fully functional one. he introduces himself as devexian.

fjord asks about threshold crests, mentioning the astral sea, and he tells them to go to b9. within the immensus gate, that’s where the planar tethers are. he leaves, wanting to try to recover any allies

exiting the repair terminal, the nein head into the rejuvenation experimentation room. there, they find two tubes, one is damaged. fjord goes into the undamaged one and as a gem glows at the bottom of the tube, he gains the benefits of a long rest. essek ascertains that dunamancy is at work here and takes the gem from the damaged tube and gives it to caleb, for later use.

going back into the central chamber, they are crossed with another creature - this one an aeoran nullifier. a battle begins.

another creature shows up mid fight, but caduceus banishes it. finishing off the nullifier, the nein run back to the entrance (the crater) and since they have no rope, some use fly and others feather fall  (via veth) to float down to level b9, hot on the trail of lucien and cree.

coming to b9, they all land into rushing water. something from far ahead is causing this stream of sorts. (136)

beginning to move forward, beau notices that the shadows aren’t as intense as they used to be. one of the eye markings has given her (and caleb) darkvision. they also now have true sight (can see through illusions) and can speak to others and each other telepathically. 

caleb also reveals that during jester’s scry the night before, sprinkle was chittering in her ear. during this ritual, artagan usually appears to help her out, but this time, even though he was, only sprinkle could be seen. this means that sprinkle has been artagan (almost) the whole time!!!! he’s been inhabiting him. artie then appears and explains that he wanted to be close to jester ever since the iron shepherds incident. (ep 26)

continuing down the hall they come to a closed door labeled t-dock project. opening the door, jester, yasha, and caleb walk down the lead-lined hallway into a small room. investigating it for a little bit, yasha grabs essek, and him and caleb check out the runic circle in the middle of the room. the symbols are a combination of both transmutation and dunamancy. they deduce (with help from journals in the room) that it was used for temporal alteration - aka, time travel.

while the group is semi-split up with some in this chamber, the connecting hallway, and the main hallway, veth and fjord hear (and fjord can see) a monster jump down to their level. after some chaotic planning, the group decides to just walk away and not engage with the monster. 

continuing down the main hallway, stealthily now as to not alert to monster, they come to two more rooms. beau investigates. one in labeled kitchen, the other common area. she sees two aeoran absorbers napping in the kitchen, so she let’s the others know and they head toward the common area. entering, caleb approaches a plaque that reads immensus hall, but gets too close to an unseen intuit charge, setting it off. a trap set by lucien and a taste of their own medicine.

the blast also injures and awakens the absorbers. deciding to run instead of fight, the nein enter the immensus hall and caleb puts up a wall of force to keep the two absorbers and the other monster out. it works to their benefit and the creatures fight each other instead.

descending down some stairs, the water has gotten deeper and underneath, beau spots two more intuit charges. caleb uses dispel magic to disarm them.

seeing another threshold into another room, veth invisibly stealths ahead. entering the room, she sees a ring pillar on a raised platform and two figures darting around the pillar. within the ring is a crackling blue line - the source of the water. she returns to everyone else and tells them.

beau and caleb hear lucien in their minds (he can speak telepathically too....he has nine eyes, where as beau and caleb have 3) saying that he’s set up precautions (intuit charges) but he’d like to chat first.

[enter villain monologue]

cree inserts a tuning rod, lucien lifts a lever, and the thin crackling line opens enough to let out a mass of water. she switches out the rods and lifts the lever once more, the new portal fully opening to the astral sea.

lucien invites them to follow, but as they begin chase, a huge water elemental forms from the last rush of water lucien let out. the group fights a little bit but ultimately circumvents the elemental and jumps through the portal

jester’s the last one and as she jumps through, the elemental grabs her, but with a clutch mage hand move by veth, she pulls the lever on the other side of the portal, closing it and severing the hold the elemental had on jester.

and now they begin/continue their pursuit of cree and lucien, now floating in the astral sea. next stop: the cognoza ward, to stop the two remaining members of the tomb takers in setting the threshold crests and bringing it to the material plane.

and that’s where episode 136 ends! i could’ve/should’ve just gone to 138 to have her memories fully caught up, but we’re close to the climax of this current arc and so much is going to happen in the coming week(s), that i didn’t want to do that. and look at how long this is!!! it’s 52 bullet points and it would be at least 20 more if i added two more episodes.... so i think this is okay for now. :)

if you read all this, snaps and hats off to you. ily

[missjanjie]

Branjie Fic | Take Me Back to the Start (8/?)

Title: Take Me Back to the Start Summary:   Everyone remembers their first love. Not everyone carries those feelings from childhood to senior year. Yet Brock is starting his last year of high school while still longing for the relationship he lost five years ago. Meanwhile, José is at the top of the food chain and seems to have it all together. But maybe their story isn’t over yet. Word Count: ~3k (this chapter) / ~25.3k (total) Relationship(s): Branjie (Brooke Lynn Hytes/Vanessa Vanjie Mateo), Sportsdoll (Jan Sport/Nicky Doll) Rating: E

Read on AO3

José was never able to sleep the night before a competition, but for some reason, it felt worse tonight. It felt like there was more on the line— not only did he feel the need to live up to the expectations of the coach and everyone on his team, he wanted to be as good as Brock seemed to think he was.

The more he thought about it, the more he realized how important Brock’s opinion was to him. Next to his mother, no one else ever seemed to believe in him so unabashedly, and he didn’t have the ‘parental obligation’ that he associated with his mom. Brock believed in him because he wanted to.

And maybe that should have put him at ease; it should be something to take comfort in. Instead it just made him feel like he had more to prove, that he had to prove he was worthy of Brock’s praise.

Either way, it was almost four in the morning and José was as awake as ever, and he knew he would regret it in the morning if he didn’t at least keep trying to get some sleep.

But it became clear that just wasn’t happening, so he texted Brock to see if he was awake.

‘You can’t sleep either?’ Brock sent in response.

‘Nope :(‘

‘Wanna call me?’

José grinned, sitting up in bed. ‘Yeah, one sec,’ he sent before calling him. “What’s got you up, boo?”

“I’m just nervous about tomorrow,” Brock admitted with a sigh. “Everything went well at the game, but it’s gonna be a whole other setting and it’s really gonna be a testament to whether or not I can choreograph or if I ruined everything for everyone.”

That definitely didn’t make José feel any less anxious – if anything, the knot in his stomach tightened. “If it helps, it’s not all on you. We did this together. We either succeed or we flop, but it ain’t all on your head. Or mine.” The last part was a reminder for himself, but it didn’t digress from the point.

“I don’t wanna screw anything up for you, though.”

José didn’t mean to laugh, quickly trying to stop himself. “You think you’re gonna screw something up for me? Boy, you must be really up in your head.”

“You say that like it’s a new development,” Brock retorted dryly. “I can’t help it, I just want everything as close to perfect as physically possible.”

“Yeah, what else is new?” José chuckled. “If you keep tryna be perfect you just gonna create impossible standards. You’re already the best dancer I know; if anything I should be lecturing you about being too arrogant, but you ain’t even cocky.”

Brock sighed with a light laugh. “I think if I started getting cocky I’d just end up apologizing for it,” he chuckled softly, then yawned.

José caught the yawn, rubbing his eyes. “I think we tired each other out,” he mused. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

As late as it was, they did finally manage to sleep through the night, hoping it’d be enough to get through the next day.

------

Brock had been walking around the building the competition was in, as he’d ended up getting there before the team. But apparently, he had been wandering around too long, because all of a sudden, he looked up and saw Courtney barreling towards him.

“There you are! We started to think you got lost.” She took his hand, guiding him to the waiting area where the team was getting ready.

“Sorry.” He offered a half-hearted apology, now distracted by examining the group and, more specifically, looking for José to see how he was holding up.

José didn’t even notice when Brock arrived, deeply invested in the task at hand. He was standing by the freshmen on the team, fixing their hair and makeup, going over the steps. One girl seemed to look anxious, so he pulled her aside to give her a pep talk that lifted her spirits.

“He’s a real den mother, isn’t he?” Courtney remarked to Brock, who was leaning against the wall and watching him with the fondest of smiles.

“Makes a great team captain,” he agreed.

It was mutually beneficial as well — when José was focusing his attention on keeping the younger teens motivated and in good spirits, he had a solid distraction from his own nerves. If he kept preaching these words of affirmation, maybe he would start believing them himself.

Once the group had dispersed, Brock made his way over to him, pressing a kiss to his temple and giving him a light squeeze. “Holding up okay?”

“Trying to,” he replied, rubbing the back of his neck, gaze shifting from the taller teen to the younger group. “It’s the first big competition for most of them, can’t let ‘em see you sweat, you know? They’re all looking to me to have shit together.” His voice was strained, without the distraction, he was back to being consumed with anxiety.

And Brock picked up on it, squeezing his shoulders and staring at him until José gave in and made eye contact. “Listen to me, we’re here because you’re an amazing captain. They look up to you because you’ve been an incredible role model this whole time. I don’t just believe in you because I like you, I believe in you because you’re one of the most talented, hard-working people I’ve ever met.”

Despite his stubborn efforts, José relaxed at his words. He realized he’d needed a pep talk just as much as his younger teammates. “Thanks.” He looked up at Brock, giving up any attempt at hiding the smile that fought its way to his lips. “Couldn’t have done it without you, though.”

“I’m glad I could help, but you guys are gonna be the ones tearing it up, and I’ll be cheering for you the whole time,” he promised.

Shortly after that, the squad was given a ten-minute warning, and Brock made his way out to the bleachers. He was sitting for about a moment before he looked up to see a familiar face joining him. “You again?” he joked.

“Yes, I’ve been stalking you this whole time.” Karl chuckled. “I’ve never seen a cheer competition before, do they all just perform their routines and that is it?”

“Neither have I, now that I think of it,” he shrugged. “But yeah, I can safely assume that’s the gist of it.”

Karl furrowed his brows. “You haven’t? Has José not been competing?”

Brock shook his head. “No, no, he has. But we… went a few years without talking, only picked back up recently.”

“Why?”

“It’s complicated.”

“Is it?”

He couldn’t tell if the question came from disbelief or genuine confusion, pressing his lips together and looking out ahead of him. “José and I have a unique history. Guess at the end of the day it doesn’t really matter, mostly just happy with the page we’re on now.”

“Mostly?”

Brock pinched the bridge of his nose, wondering if being this nosy was a French trait, or something specific to this teen. “Everything is a work in progress, but things are going in the right direction,” he concluded. “How are you and Charlie?”

The expression that overtook Karl wasn’t unfamiliar to Brock — giddy, warm, rosy cheeks with an offset gaze—it was the same lovesickness that had plagued him since childhood. Only this time, he wasn’t looking in a mirror, and it brought a sense of relief to him, that he wasn’t alone in the smitten boat, so to speak. “Things are good,” he answered. “Very good.”

“I can tell. You two are good for each other,” he mused. “Don’t let anything get in the way of that.”

Karl nodded, then both of them shifted focus to the floor as their school’s team entered. The music began to play and the routine began, both of their eyes trained on every moment.

When it ended, Brock realized he had been holding his breath the whole routine. He stood up and cheered as the air returned to his lungs, filled to the brim with pride and admiration - it couldn’t have gone better if he tried, and a weight lifted off his chest.

But the nerves came back with a vengeance when it came time to announce the winners. Third place was announced, and after second, Brock was starting to get nervous. He was on the edge of his seat when the first place was announced.

“Holy shit, we won.” Brock didn’t register the cheering or Karl shaking him. He was stunned. That really happened. All of their hard work actually paid off in a tangible manner. It wasn’t until the noise had died down that he came back to earth. As soon as the team exited, he got up and ran to meet them on the other side.

The second José spotted Brock, he sprinted towards him. He didn’t say a word, just grabbed him by the face and kissed him hard, not letting go until his lungs gave him no other choice.

Brock wrapped his arms around José’s waist, picking him up and spinning him around. “That was amazing!” He kissed his cheek before setting him down. “I am so proud of you.”

“We did it!” José beamed when his words were no longer escaping him. His face was red and his eyes were wide, sparkling with enthusiasm and pairing perfectly with a smile that could outshine the sun itself. “We really fuckin’ did it.”

They did have to break apart when the rest of the team crowded around in collective celebration. Parents were running in to congratulate their children, people started to scatter as they posed for pictures with their medals.

José was the first to notice his and Brock’s mothers walking towards them. He chuckled softly, the two women were chatting animatedly, as if no time at all had passed since the last time they were in a room together. He admired the effortlessness in their camaraderie, it led him to believe that things could actually be normal between himself and Brock. “Aw look, they getting along.”

Brock chuckled. “What, did you think it was gonna be like the Capulets and Montagues?” He received a blank stare in response. “Romeo and Juliet?”

“Oh yeah, with Leonardo DiCaprio.” He nodded confidently, and they were embraced by their moms before Brock could offer a response.

------

It was getting late; the cheerleaders were starting to taper off after the celebration dinner. Everyone was a bit tired, but spirits were high and bright.

“Do you wanna come over? Maybe spend the night?” José asked with his mouth half full, washing the bite down with a swig of water. He and Brock hadn’t left each other’s sides since the win, they’d even been squished together in the restaurant booth until people started to leave.

Brock grinned, setting his napkin down on the empty plate. “Sure, if your mom doesn’t mind.”

“Naw, you were always her favorite anyway.” He chuckled, waiting for him to slide out of the booth so he could follow suit, and they walked out to his car with linked arms.

The drive back was quiet – Brock seemed lost in thought and José chose to focus on the road than press him about it. They’d had a long day, after all, he was sure if it was worth bringing up, it’d come out eventually.

Once they were finally in José’s bedroom, they were as relaxed as ever, watching Real Housewives reruns and getting just high enough to not know what city they were in. They had their own running commentary going, one that started as jokes and devolved into just mimicking what the women said in nasally, valley girl voices.

But after a while, the TV faded into the background, and they became more invested in their cuddling. And then cuddling turned to kissing, which led to groping.

“I think we should have sex,” Brock said suddenly.

José blinked in surprise, taking a moment to make sure he’d actually heard him correctly and he wasn’t so high that he had started to hear things (which would’ve been improbable with the meager amount of weed they smoked, but he could never be too sure). “Are you sure?”

Brock just nodded simply. “Uh-huh. I mean, I’ve been wanting to for a while now, but I, you know, overthought it every time and chickened out,” he explained, for once not feeling like he was struggling to stay calm.

He let out a laugh because yes, that was very on-brand for Brock and knew for sure that he was being sincere. “Well, if we’re being real right now, I have been wanting you to fuck me since the rain cockblocked us at the park.”

It brought him a relief to know that these feelings had been mutual for a while now, though it made him feel ridiculous that he’d been so adamant about holding out and hiding away. They could’ve crossed this path weeks ago, but he quickly concluded it was better late than never. “Then what are we waiting for?” he asked, pulling José into a kiss before he could answer.

Not that there was anything José felt like he needed to add. He kissed back with all the eagerness that had been building up over what felt like ages now. He was gripping onto Brock by his shirt, breaking the kiss just long enough to yank it off and toss it aside, his own following immediately after.

Brock was amused at the speed and dexterity the brunette expressed when he wanted something done, and he decided that all he needed to do was keep up with him. So, he scrambled to get out of his jeans, to get them both undressed as fast as the delayed connection between his brain and his hands allowed.

“Tell me if you wanna slow down or stop or anything.” The difference in their speeds had become apparent enough to José. Even without a request, he quelled his pace so they were at a similar rhythm, one that soon felt effortless to both of them. He waited for a beat, then reached into his drawer and handed him a bottle of lube.

“We don’t need a condom?” Brock asked, examining the bottle and figuring out what he needed to do next.

José shrugged. “Nah, you a virgin, and I tested clean. Might as well make your first time even better, you know?” He had always used protection with Kyle, insisting it was for safety. Despite being technically true, in the back of his mind, he knew it was because he never completely trusted that he was his only partner. Perhaps in another place and time, it would’ve bothered him, but he didn’t care anymore, and it was a freeing revelation.

Brock, on the other hand, accepted the explanation at face value. “That works for me.” He hummed, waiting for José to lay back. “You, um, need to prep first, right? Or am I supposed to do it?”

“You getting nervous already. Lemme do it,” he decided, taking the bottle back from him. “Pay attention, so you know what to do next time.”

He smiled, the idea that ‘next time’ was a given settled well with him, it made him feel warmth swell in his chest. “Should I take notes?” he joked, sitting cross-legged on the bed. But as he immediately realized, notes would not be necessary. Watching José surpassed any porn he’d ever watched. It had him hypnotized and practically drooling, he was absentmindedly jerking off to the sight that he couldn’t look away from if he tried.

And José absolutely adored the attention and tried to put on a show without being too loud. He worked himself just to the point of readiness, easing his fingers out and looking up at Brock. “You ready, big guy?”

“You fucking bet I am,” Brock chuckled softly. He took the bottle and used the lube to slick up his length, then very carefully guided himself into him, grunting softly as he did. It took him a moment to adjust, the feeling so new and overwhelmingly pleasurable.

José waited patiently for Brock to get comfortable. He already felt so good just having him buried inside him, just holding him close, one hand on his back and the other tangled in his hair. And when Brock started thrusting, he yielded to his movements right away.

Brock’s moans went from cursing and words of praise to unintelligible nonsense faster than he could’ve anticipated. His thrusts were a bit unsteady but deep and fervent. His hands were at either side of José, balancing himself until he moved one to grab his waist, giving him a better angle to continue.

Time faded out of relevance as the thrusts became more desperate and erratic, the two of them clinging to each other for dear life. It could’ve been anywhere from ten minutes to ten hours – they didn’t know, nor did they care. By the time they were both spent, they were lost in their own little world. Nothing else mattered, they could bask at this moment forever.

“So was it good for you?” José asked when he finally caught his breath and the room stopped spinning so much.

Brock snorted, covering his mouth. “Yes. It was very, very good,” he replied, wrapping his other arm around the smaller male and holding him close. “It was good for you too, right?”

“Of course it was.” He huffed as if it should’ve been obvious.

“Just checking,” he cooed and kissed his forehead, then yawned as he closed his eyes. “At least tonight we’re gonna sleep really well.”

José buried his face into Brock’s chest, mumbling a sleepy “Uh-huh.”

Brock exhaled deeply, holding him close, then gently whispering, “I love you.”

He got a loud snore in response and he laughed to himself. Maybe it was for the best, he thought as he started to drift off. The right time would come eventually.

[hellzyeahwebwielingessays]

The Not-So-Amazing Mary Jane Part 29: AMJ #4.1

Previous Part

Next Part

Master Post

I don’t have any preamble. Let’s just get on with this.

Thankfully the recap page isn’t as bad as in prior issues.

First of all, we get yet more information not introduced in the earlier issues. Admittedly this is a minor point, but Ken Gullapalli’s last name is first revealed here. Additionally, we get the title of the movie repeated her, even though it has yet to be mentioned in-story.

More significantly, the recap ascribes additional motivations to the Savage Six. It claims that they took umbrage with Mysterio’s life being dramatized at all, whereas prior issues never implied that. Isn’t it great that part of the motivation for the villains is being explained in the recap page.

Another minor point worth noting is that the recap mixes up the sequence of events. It claims Sonny Diperna joined the movie and then the Savage Six attacked. It was actually the other way around. Also, the recap claims the movie lost all but one investor. Depending upon how you wish to interpret that line, it might also be called inaccurate. The investor they found in issue #2 was never one of the original investors. The movie lost all  of it’s investors but then found a new one.

Neither of these are that big of a deal. But those are pretty basic thing for a recap  to screw up. It’s another example to the shoddy production of this comic (outside the art).

The story proper picks up immediately where the last issue left off. Charlie (the actor playing Spider-Man) quits, claiming the production is cursed. He points out everything has gone wrong, even before the crew were attacked by actual super villains.

MJ counters that things have been looking up since they found a new secure location. Charlie though points out this ‘secure location’ is an abandoned zoo too horrible for anyone to even want to attack them. Charlie accuses MJ of being delusional for believing in the movie.

You know I never had anything to say about Charlie up until now, but in this moment he is the single most relatable character in the whole story.

What’s ambiguous is Williams’ own perception of the character. He’s clearly been framed in an unsympathetic light (and will be again in consequent pages) so the audience isn’t supposed to like him. And yet he is keeping it real, he is pointing out every danger and problem with the production and why it isn’t safe.

I don’t know if he’s intended to be an audience avatar, and author avatar or both. But he’s certainly my  avatar right now.

Charlie’s rant continues by claiming people are going to laugh at Sonny Diperna and MJ for participating in this disaster of a movie. ‘McKnight’ then gets up in Charlie’s personal space and grabs him by the shirt. He yells that speaking to MJ the way he did would have gotten him fired anyway. With Mallorie’s prompting, ‘McKnight’ tells Charlie that he’ll be returning the advance he was given for the scene he’s left unfinished.

Charlie though has other ideas.

Charlie wasn’t exactly being rude. The worst thing he said was that MJ was being delusional. Putting aside how she genuinely has been, in context it’s a perfectly valid thing to say. MJ has been pushing and backing an extremely troubled production that has genuinely intimidated Charlie and jeopardised his wellbeing. Last issue alone confirmed several cast and crewmembers had quite the production after the Six’s attack.

Even if it wasn’t fair to call MJ delusional (which it absolutely is), in context Charlie’s outburst is totally sympathetic, it’s something the cast and crew should be able to excuse given the situation. Not to mention, he’s outright warning  MJ. He’s informing her she is endangering her career and public image by participating in the film. I’m not saying this is outright concern, but on balance his dialogue to MJ is not exactly rude. He’s justifiably upset and is pointing out the dangers to MJ.

Beck in this scene is problematic. I’m not going to say he assaulted  Charlie, but he was way out of line for grabbing him the way he did. That should b the umpteenth warning sign to MJ (who noticeably does nothing) that Beck is bad news and dangerous.

I also detest the framing of Beck in this page. He’s framed as someone defending MJ’s honour, or at the very least a loyal friend. It’s yet more of this messed up sympathetic/friendship portrayal of Beck and his relationship with Mary Jane.

Finally, notice how no one is considering how Charlie’s departure seriously jeopardises the crew. He is now someone constantly off set who knows exactly where the crew are. Do they consider changing location? No. Do they consider that the Six will target Charlie for information no. It’s stupid enough that they aren’t involving the authorities at all. But if you accept that then it’s really stupid for them to not consider Charlie a liability.

On the next page Charlie tries to blackmail ‘McKnight’. He threatens to call his guild rep and report unsafe working conditions; citing the Six’s attack. That is unless he’s allowed to keep his advance. ‘McKnight’ literally tosses cash at Charlie and tells him to leave.

I have nothing really to say about this page. It’s just kind of screwed up that Williams has chosen to make the one character  who’s talking some sense unsympathetic.

On the next page MJ proposes that she will play (a fully masked) Spider-Man in the final scene. She suggests Beck use his skills to ‘heavily edit’ the footage to make her look convincing.

Okay, so this is a double-edged sword.

On the plus side we’re finally dealing more with MJ actually acting  in a mini-series set up to be about that very premise. Having her pretend to be her lover is also a brilliant set up for character exploration. Have MJ, in an abstract way, see Peter in a new light by pretending to be him. But the potential for interesting commentary goes deeper, because she’s acting out Mysterio’s vision for Spider-Man. It’s an opportunity for Williams to explore MJ and Mysterio’s contrasting views of Spidey. That in turn could say a lot about MJ and Beck, as well as Peter himself.

But on the other hand…isn’t this pretty dumb?

Peter and Mary Jane have completely different body builds. According to official stats, Peter is 2 inches taller than her and weights nearly 50 pounds more than her. Then of course you have the fact that Spider-MAN has a MALE body shape and Mary Jane has a FEMALE body shape. And what about the dialogue? How is MJ supposed to convincingly pull off Charlie’s voice?

Oh, sure Beck’s skills are more than capable of faking the difference. But what is the point?

Why use Mary Jane when you could just use any of the actual men on set?

Master Matrix is in that very scene. His body build might not be identical to Spider-Man’s, but it looks similar enough. Or at the very least it looks far more similar than MJ’s body build does.

In fairness, I don’t know much about Master Matrix, so maybe he’s not capable of the physical movements necessary for the job; he is a robot after all. But there are definitely, other  male crewmembers on set. The Kangaroo for example is an actual super villain, he’s literally battled Spider-Man and he also has a far similar body build to Spidey than MJ does.

One might argue that it’s not all about the body type though, they need someone who can act the part, deliver the dialogue. Except if that’s the case, why get MJ? She’s a talented actress but she’ll be wearing a mask, her facial acting will be moot. This means it will just boil down to her ability to voice act, but she is neither  trained VA nor would she believably sound like Charlie/Spider-Man. Realistically ‘McKnight’ would have to use technical wizardry to distort MJ’s voice into sounding like Charlie’s. That’s more than likely within his abilities (especially with master Matrix and HERBIE’s help). But you know what would be much easier? Having someone else dub over the footage!

That’d be a lot cheaper, easier and more dramatically effective than altering the vocal performance of the actor in the suit. In fact, given how the mask is realistically going to muffle the voice of the wearer, ADR would likely be employed anyway. If memory serves I think they have done that in every real life Spider-Man film since 2002. Hell, Darth Vader  was brought to life with a suit and a voice performance.

The point is Beck wouldn’t need  someone in the suit who can deliver dialogue great, so why not get someone with a closer body build?

Shit, if he’s employed so much of his illusionary skills anyway, why not just fake Spider-Man himself? Jesus, Christ he could just make a Spider-Man robot if he wanted or dress up one of the X-Men robots from issue #1.

Or he  could play Spider-Man himself. He literally did that in his first ever appearance!

No matter how you slice it, this is yet another interesting idea Williams fails to sufficiently justify.

Moving on, remember how the worst thing Charlie did was call MJ delusional? Remember how Beck took this as an immense insult? Yeah, well he immediately does the same thing on the next page.

Beck explains he’s very uncomfortable with MJ playing that role. MJ retorts that it’s just one scene and since audiences would be none the wiser it wouldn’t affect her character’s arc. She starts to suggest Beck use his illusions to affect the change but Beck interjects that that’d be cheating and would ruin the authenticity of his work. MJ counters that she’s the most ‘authentic connection to Spidey’ Beck will find.

Beck accepts MJ’s offer. He reminisces that MJ was supposed to play his love interest, a version of someone he wanted to exalt. He then acknowledges MJ has become the saving grace of the movie, making her the second  woman who had the ‘misfortune’ of believing in him. He further elaborates that they’ve strayed so far from his original vision for the film, he sometimes questions if it’s even the same movie.  MJ reassures him that he’s just pivoted.

While this conversation is happening, Mallorie is dealing with another issue. Sonny Diperna has been running late because the paparazzi were tipped off about his inclusion. As a result he can’t get close to the set’s location without revealing it’s location. Mallorie turns to Screwball who launches several remote controlled drones.

A few things to unpack from these pages.

The first is that MJ has it in mind for Beck to use his illusions to finish the scene; something Beck ultimately agrees to. If they were just going to use illusions anyway why do they need MJ specifically to finish the scene? Again they could just get any of the male actors, extras or staff members to fill in.

Shit, they could get Screwball  to do it. These pages depict her acrobatic prowess; and weren’t the first to do so. Additionally she’s actually faced off against Spider-Man herself. Between the two of them Screwball is far more qualified than MJ in recreating Spider-Man’s movements and physical prowess. Her on set job also isn’t something necessary to film a scene. If she were in charge of lighting or the cameraperson then that’d be one thing. But she could almost do her job between takes or hand over her responsibilities to someone else temporarily.

MJ’s justification that she is the most authentic connection to Spider-Man is a moot point. Yeah, she has more of a connection to Spider-Man than anyone on set…and? Charlie had 0 connection to the real Spider-Man, and yet he was cast in the role and ideally would be finishing the movie. What on Earth does MJ’s personal connection to Spider-Man have to do with anything?

It can’t be some nonsense about her being able to act well in the scene. Again, realistically she’d be dubbed over and/or her voice would be distorted affecting any vocal performance she’d give. Not to mention her job wouldn’t be to draw upon her personal knowledge of Peter. It’d be to do what Beck would want of her, to bring his  vision of Spider-Man to life. At the same time her job would be to synch up as best as she could with Charlie’s performance in all the other scenes. She isn’t creating her take on Spider-Man from the ground up, therefore her ‘authentic connection’ is meaningless.

Also isn’t MJ smart to be hinting to the incredibly clever trickster that she’s got a personal connection to Spider-Man. It’s not like he could research her, learn she’s has (and has had in the past) long-term relationships with Peter Parker.

You know, that guy who famously took Spider-Man’s pictures for the longest time and created Spider-Man’s tech and had Spider-Man as his bodyguard when he ran Parker Industries. If you accept the (BS) post-OMD explanation that everything happened the same way but Pete and MJ just weren’t married then that means Beck could learnt his stuff with Google. This is evidenced by Marvel Knights: Spider-Man #1, wherein literal school children were able to look up Peter and learn about his relationship with Mary Jane.

Mary Jane realistically should already be wary of Beck handpicking her for the movie anyway. She should already suspect that that had something to do with her connection to Spidey. Not only did Williams ignore that, but now she’s just having MJ outright wink to Beck that she has a connection to Spider-Man. That’s not endangering herself, her family, her friends or Spidey’s identity now is it?

Let’s talk about Mysterio. So his dream was to make this biopic about himself. He’s got only a little time to make it before he is literally dragged back to Hell. He envisions it as his magnum opus. A chance to be forgiven by the masses and to make amends to his old flame Betsy. And he’s you know…super egotistical and selfish. His history reveals that to us. His original origin entails him wanting to steal Spider-Man’s limelight by framing him. A revised origin entails him feeling pushed aside in spite of his talent.

So is he really  going to compromise this much? Is he really going to so drastically revise the role of the one woman he arguably ever loved to this extent?

The answer is Hell no.

Remember when Beck assaulted someone in the first issue because they insulted his ego?

Remember when he delivered a grand speech about the meaning of art in issue #2?

Is he really  going to allow something so important to him be distorted this much? Is he really going to just meekly accept questioning if it’s even his vision anymore?

Again, Hell no, that’s not in character.

And MJ’s rationale is totally nonsensical from Beck’s POV. The whole point of MJ’s character was wrapped up in Beck’s affections for the real life woman she was playing. But now her role is totally unrecognizable from how he began. That’s not a pivot, it’s a wholesale change. Or at least, that’s how Beck would view it.

In the best-case scenario, we could interpret his attitude as evidence of insincerity. As in, he wasn’t actually all that hung up on ‘exalting’ Betsy. At which point MJ should be on her toes and concerned about how genuine he’s been about anything else. Then again she should’ve been at least wary long before now.

As for the other story thread in these pages, we’ll get to that in a little while.

On the next age, Diperna is confused as to who Screwball is. The paparazzi are following his car in several cars. That’s when Screwball’s drones show up and dazzle them with some flashing lights of their own.

Sonny’s confusion over Screwball is itself confusing because he was literally in the same scene as her in the last issue.

Additionally, it’s incredibly  dangerous to blind any drivers with flashing lights under any circumstances. Shit, when I was learning to drive it was drilled into me how dangerous it would be to be dazzled by another car and how to avoid accidentally dazzling them myself. Here Screwball is deliberately  dazzling three cars. Some of them have open tops and people practically hanging out of them unbuckled.

And on top of that they are clearly moving at speed, around a bend on some kind of upward slope. Accidentally dazzling them with regular car headlights would be a recipe for disaster. Here though, Screwball is using at least six drones to deliberately dazzle them. You can tell from the art and sound effects that one of the cars had to make an abrupt stop. We don’t know if the riders incurred any injuries from that alone but it would’ve been all too easy. Frankly it was really lucky no one was seriously hurt.

I guess you could justify this in a case of self-defence, but the paparazzi were not endangering Sonny’s life. Not unless you argue their cameras were themselves dazzling his driver. But it’s not clear that that was happening and even if it was, that’s not a justification for what Screwball did. Not to mention he could have ended any jeopardy the paparazzi posed by simply stopping the car, getting out and answering their questions. Sure he’d be late, but it’s a lot safer than the alternative. Besides he was already late and it’s publicity for the film.

I’m not suggesting this was out of character for Screwball. But I am saying MJ has just seen a criminal do something extremely  dangerous for no justifiable reason. Bu rights her judgement should no longer be reserved about Screwball as it was last issue. Not that it ever should have been. She should be telling Beck to get rid of her or at least try to keep her under control somehow.

Somehow I doubt that will happen.

By the way, the paparazzi are yelling at Diperna during the car chase…why? Neither he nor they could possibly hear one another in that situation.

I am going to leave it there for now as the next few pages are so bad I’ve decided to dedicate a whole post just to them before continuing onto the rest of the issue.

Previous Part

Next Part

Master Post

[bracefacefreak]

My thoughts re-watching New Moon #1

So I wrote a whole freaking word document on my comments and now it’s vanished and didn’t even autosave. *sigh* So this will be a relatively abridged version of what I can remember. I’m sure you’re all happy about that. 

-Old Bella and young Edward is weird and I am not for it at all. How does Edward even think that is going to work?  -Alice-are you even trying to be human? -BELLA YOU ARE NOT HELPING! -Like seriously Alice is leaping around school like a freaking acrobat and says out loud in a packed hall that she has seen Bella open her present, and then Bella just shouts at Jasper about his mood control thing. Carlisle is getting a chill down his neck at work and he knows that his kids are doing something STUPID! -Eric crying at R&J in class, like actually weeping, is a total mood.  -Aro is such a pretencious noob.  -Also Ed going on about how nothing matters to him but Bella when his family with super-hearing are next door. Nice boy.  -Also Aro give Caius a total ‘Bitch what you doing’ look as he walks over to the balcony.  -Emmett is the best and no-one can convince me otherwise. -Rosalie’s fond eye roll at Emmett as he talks about his gift to Bella, and how she totally doesn’t care that Bella knows she had no role in finding a present for her.  -How does a papercut bleed that much!? -Carlisle is the best and no-one can convince me otherwise. -That slow spinning shot  with Possibility playing in the bg as the seasons pass by is just gorgeous.  -Charlie Swan js the best and no-one can convince me otherwise.  -Bella and Jake as so freaking cute and why did Smeyer have to ruin everything with the freaking love triangle-I just want platonic BFFs Jake and Bella who love each other but are not IN love with each other.  -Face Punch and Love spelled backwards is Love-WTH!  -That scene between Bella and Jake in the rain-Ah my heart!  -And the meadow is dead. I think that metaphor just knocked me unconscious with how unsubtle it is.  -Harry subtly covering up the wolf pack. Also I can’t recall who actually knows about the wolves? -Emily deserved better -Vampire girl and wolf girl-I WANT THEM TO BE FRIENDS. This was such a missed opportunity!  -That FREAKING Victoria chase scene! It’s legit awesome. I love it. -Also Rachelle Leferve can bite me anytime she wants -Is Edward in Brazil? Why is he there of all places? And he’s not on Isle Esme cause that is one grotty bedroom. So? -I fucking love Michael Sheen!  -Jane’s little hump when Ed says he’s not afraid haha -THE ELEVATOR SCENE IS A WORK OF GENIUS! I died and this is my ghost telling you how good it was.  -Aro is creepy af. Also thirsty af-his look when Alice stops him drinking Bella, I understand dude -Jane is so pissed at Bella’s impenetrable shield and I just love watching Dakota Fanning do her angry face! -Marcus is soooooo fucking done with Aro and his shit. I feel you man.  -Who’s going to clean up the mess in the volturi’s chambers? Caius, I bet it’s Caius. -Who dressed Edward and Bella in that vision? because Alice would NEVER let them run about in those clothes! -Caius is SO FUCKING ANGRY ALL THE TIME AND I LOVE IT! -I hope none of those tourists speak English -The soundtrack in this film is good but not on Twilight level -Charlie Swan is the best and anyone who thinks otherwise can FIGHT ME -Bella being sure of what she wants and going for it-YES GIRL -Jasper voting yes so he doesn’t want to kill Bella all the time and Alice giving him this little smile that says thanks babe but never say that again.  -Emmett’s bro hug. I just love his and Bella’s dynamic. They are going to be chaos twins.  -Carlisle agreeing because he will not loose his son, even though he clearly isn’t thrilled about turning a human who isn’t about to die. My moral bby.  -I dislike how Jake is totally disregarding Bella’s opinion in this.  -Bella can be quite manipulative can’t she. It’s not a criticism, it’s an interesting character trait and one I didn’t notice before. I like her. 

[penumbra-rp]

Congratulations Charlie, you have been accepted for the role of Marlene McKinnon!

The bathroom smelled like bleach for days and she looked like a fucking mess, but she’d never liked her own reflection more...  She became as loud and bold as she’d always wished to be, fierce, not afraid to say what she wanted to say, consequences be damned.

Admin Becky: Behold, the daring, reckless, vodka aunt of the Order of the Phoenix -- be still my beating heart! There are a hundred and one things I love about Marlene, but in particular I adore just how aware she is of all that she’s done for herself. She’s shed the previous pressures from her parents, stuck her middle finger up at society, and built a life that she’s proud to call her own. Giving back to her found-family that is the Order by providing them with a refuge, a safe space, a haven, tips a delicious balance between being a rebellious bad girl and a full-of-heart guardian angel. That short-tempered sharpness mixed with such caring selflessness makes me super excited to see how she interacts with our other characters!

Please check out our checklist for joining Penumbra.

01. Out of Character

NAME: Charlie

AGE: 22

YOUR BIRTHDAY: August 2nd

PRONOUNS: she/her

TIMEZONE: GMT

02. In Character

CHARACTER: Marlene McKinnon

CHARACTER’S PRONOUNS: she/her

FACECLAIM: Sofia Boutella

CHARACTER’S BIRTHDAY: April 2nd

PERSONALITY:

independent: (+) If the last years have proven anything, it’s how much Marlene values her independence. How much she’s willing to do to keep it. The years as parents picture-perfect daughter, a porcelain doll really that was always supposed to function without any mistakes, the years where she didn’t have any control of her own life whatsoever - at least if she didn’t want to be a huge disappointment, didn’t want to see their love for her slowly fading away - have left their scars. Now that she has it, she defends her independence with claws and fangs metaphorically speaking. It shows daily in her dedication and hard work in the Leaky Bucket.

caring: (+)  Even though it doesn’t always seem like it judging from her sharp-tongue most people get a taste from, Marlene is actually quite empathetic and cares a lot. With no regard for time, place and circumstances, she’ll always offer a shoulder to cry on, will always try to make sure that the people she cares feel good. To be perfectly honest, she probably doesn’t care half as much about her own well-being than about that of other people. That isn’t limited to just her friends either but includes new acquaintances and often complete strangers as well. As long as you don’t get on her bad side, she’ll always try to be there for you and care about you and your problems.

direct: (+)While she’s been taught that diplomacy is one of the most valuable abilities when dealing with others, Marlene has always preferred to be open and honest with everybody she interacts with. She isn’t exactly a fan of beating around the bush. In fact, in 9 out of 10 cases you can be dead sure that she’ll tell you the truth without mincing her words, no matter how hard, ugly and painful it might be. The truth can hurt, in her opinion, you better suck it up and learn to deal with it. No matter if she’s seen as impolite, tactless, rude or downright mean because of it, she’ll tell you just the way it is, nonetheless. That’s something that can be hard to deal with, but at least you can always rely on her telling you straight up to your face when you’re doing something stupid.

short-tempered: (-)  Patience has never been her strong suit, even though she was told that it was the most important character trait for a proper young girl (after docility, obviously). And it’s gotten worse over the years. It takes very little to get under Marlene’s skin and even less for her to blow up and throw a temper tantrum. Even when these outbursts are over as quickly as they come, they’re not the most fun thing to witness, to say the least.

self-destructive: (-)  On some subconscious level, Marlene loves fucking things up for herself. Whenever something good happens in her life, one can be pretty sure that sooner or later she’ll find a way to fuck it up and ruin it. A part of it can most likely be blamed on bright-burning desire to stay as independent and free as possible, something she protects fiercely. But most of it is probably due to the fact that a part of her is afraid that sooner or later they’ll all turn into her parents. If she gives them too much power over her, they’ll start wanting to change her, form her into what they want her to be and if she doesn’t stay proactive, maybe she’ll one day wake up and have lost herself again. Even outside of relationships, however, she doesn’t have the healthiest way to treat herself. Every now and then there are periods when she gets out of control and turns into more of a drinking, smoking, swearing and fucking around mess that she usually already is. Almost as if she feels she still needs to prove a point, as if she still needs to make up for the years she wasted trying to somehow live up to the impossibly high expectations her parents had for her. Or maybe she’s actually just punishing herself for never having managed that in the first place.

unforgiving: (-)  As easily as her affection and loyalty are given, once you’ve fucked it up, there’s no turning back. It’ll take a lot to truly make her reconsider your friendship once she calls you a close friend, but if you cross that line, she’ll drop you like a hot potato and won’t ever take you back, no matter how much you plead and beg. Life is already messed up enough without backstabbing people you can’t trust in your life and she won’t waste a single second on them.

BRIEF BULLET POINT BIO:

Marlene grew up as an only child, much to her own dismay. After all, the fact that she was the sole child meant that she was the only person her parents’ attention was focused on, the only one supposed to live up to the big expectations they had for their offspring. Sure, it was generally nice to be the center of attention, the one all the devotion and gifts could go to. After all, who doesn’t like to not having to share the spotlight? However, she’d have given it up in a heartbeat if that meant to not have to suffer through the pressure her parents put on her alone, to have somebody to have her back and help each other get through it. Quite frankly, she wouldn’t have cared about the age or gender of her sibling, just somebody to stand by her side and help her share the pressure.

Despite their current abundance of wealth, the McKinnons are ‘new-money’, have risen to the high society within the last two generations and that stuck Her parents never allowed her to forget that they’re still newcomers to some extent and that they have to try even harder to be perfect, to fit in with the upper society as well as possible, than those families who’ve been a part of it for centuries.

Even before she took her first breath, her parents already had her life planned out for her. She was supposed to be their perfect little girl, beautiful like a porcelain doll and just as quiet and obedient. They had big plans for her, she’d be the perfect example of how they’ve truly found their place in the high society. So she had a pretty strict schedule from a very young age on involving various activities and lessons her parents deemed necessary for a young girl of her status. Among those activities were lessons in Mandarin, learning how to play the piano as well as the violin, horse riding and lessons on etiquette as well as on politics and history later on. Nothing too complicated, though. After all, she should make proper conversation on various social events with that knowledge and not become a professor at college. Of course, anything but outstanding success in those lessons (and behavior, really) wasn’t permitted. Even years later Marlene can still recall the disappointed look in her parents eyes when she didn’t do something perfectly on the first try, how her mother’s lips became just a tiny bit smaller because she pressed them so firmly together, how the fine wrinkle between her father’s eyebrows, that should get even more prominent with the passing years, deepened just a little bit before they both demanded she tried again and this time did it well. And it was not like Marlene didn’t try to be as perfect as they wanted her to be. Quite the opposite, really. For years, she desperately gave her all to finally live up to their high expectations, but it was never enough. Even if she did manage to do something perfectly at the first try, there was still something else she was lacking. No matter what she did it never seemed to be good enough to please them. To fully earn their affection without a ‘but next time you’ll do better’ lying underneath it. The pressure she felt throughout her whole childhood was immense, unbearable really, and yet she persisted. Desperate for their approval and love, she continued to give at least 200% each day hoping that one day it’d be enough. It never was and the pressure continued to grow and Marlene continued to try harder.

Until she didn’t anymore. Nowadays, she can’t quite recall what the final straw was, what finally pushed her off the edge and made her stop trying to hard to be what they wanted her to be and instead try a little harder to be herself. Maybe it was the beginning of puberty hitting in, but she likes to believe that it started sooner, that she didn’t tolerate their bullying for that long. And in some ways, she truly didn’t. Even as a young girl of barely nine years, trying to be the best of her class, she showed small signs of defiance even if it was just being louder and bolder than her parents would like or spending time with people they didn’t approve of. It wasn’t much, but it was something. Still, it was nowhere near enough to relieve even some of that pressure. When puberty hit in at roundabout twelve years, she started breaking free for real. Did her best to distance herself from the image her parents created, the role they tried to force her into. It started with exchanging the pristine, proper tights her parents bought for her with fishnets that were ripped open pretty soon to add to the punk rebel-look she was now going for. Then she didn’t only cut her hair short on her own - which for itself already wasn’t exactly a piece of art - but also gave herself red highlights. The bathroom smelled like bleach for days and she looked like a fucking mess, but she’d never liked her own reflection more. Her parents, of course, were completely shocked, to say the least. To be perfectly honest, a part of her was sure that her mom would have a heart attack when she saw her new hair for the first time, but instead, she pulled through and just gave her a long and exhausting harangue about how Marlene was basically ruining their lives by being such a huge disappointment. Something that only encouraged her to stray away from what they wanted her to be even more. She became as loud and bold as she’d always wished to be, fierce, not afraid to say what she wanted to say, consequences be damned. For the first two weeks, fights and arguments happened on a daily basis in their family home, then her parents cut her off completely emotionally and didn’t talk to her apart from criticizing her passive-aggressively and what needed to be said when you live in one house together. It was tough, more than tough, there were countless times where Marlene wanted to give in, give up her strive to become her own person, but that was where her stubbornness came in and so she pulled through. Despite all the changes in personality and personal fashion, she still didn’t completely forgo her studies. Sure, she didn’t try half as much as before anymore, but that was still more than enough for a very good school diploma.

With her school diploma in hand, she signed up at Hogwarts University to study law. To be honest, it was the last thing she wanted, but after years of emotional distance and passive-aggressive warfare really, a part of her was desperately yearning to be closer to her parents again. And maybe, if she made that peace offer, they could be a family again without her having to give up her whole personality. As anybody but her probably could have said in advance, it was a stupid idea. The naive dream of a desperate, young girl who felt like she was all alone in the world with her parents barely talking to her. She’d learn the mistake of her ways pretty soon after only a few months of studying.

In the end, she dropped out of school and with that, completely lost her parents’ financial supports. The next years were tough, she worked a bunch of jobs - sometimes multiple at the same time - to hold herself over water and build a life for herself. Most jobs were a complete waste of time and so she seldom stayed long anywhere. What the days lacked in excitement and fun, she made up for with long nights out filled with drinks, hook-ups, and smokes. Desperately trying to find some purpose in life even if she’d never admit that out loud,

The Order of the Phoenix was the first thing to save her from this meaningless life. It was a wake-up call, really, something to give her life meaning again. However, her truel savior was something entirely different. When she saw the building, that had been half-burnt to a crisp during an electrical fire and was later going to become the Leaky Bucket, it was love at first sight, really, even though, objectively speaking, there was nothing much anybody could have loved. As silly as it sounds, though, (and Marlene is perfectly aware of how utterly ridiculous it sounds), there was simply this connection. She just knew she could turn it into something great. And she did. With a shit load of borrowed money, hard work (at least that she knew how to do after her strenuous childhood) and passion as well as some time, she managed to turn this ruin of a building into a great, popular pub and so much more. A safe haven where everybody could feel accepted for who they truly are without having to hide their true nature or pretend to be somebody entirely different. The sort of place she’s been craving all her life.

INTERVIEW:

i. How do you feel about your current occupation?

The question conjures the hint of a smirk onto her lips. “What’s there not to love?”, Marlene retorts, one eyebrow slightly arched up, “being your own boss means you get to do whatever the hell you want to.” Buying the Leaky Bucket is one of the best decisions she’s ever made and even though it cost her a shit load of money she had to borrow (money she still hasn’t been able to fully pay back), even though there are days where she wants to go back to bed again only a few hours after getting up because of exhausting the day already has been, she can’t imagine herself doing anything else. Can’t imagine ever not being her own boss again. She’s never particularly enjoyed following orders - not to mention stupid ones and from the few jobs, she worked to earn the money for the Bucket, she can tell that there are plenty of idiotic bosses out there with even more idiotic orders - and now that she’s had a taste of what it means having complete freedom over your life, not have to listen to anybody, she won’t ever go back to being employed.

ii. What song would you say describes yourself?

“My complex personality can’t possibly be described with one song.” Oh, she’s well aware of how arrogant it sounds, but there’s nothing she can do about it, it’s only true, after all. And to be perfectly honest, it isn’t even meant to flatter herself. If anybody knows how many fucked up sides her personality has, it’d be herself. “I think ‘She’s Thunderstorms’ from the Arctic Monkeys is a good fit. It strongly depends on my mood, though, so my response might be completely different tomorrow.”

iii. Does reputation matter to you?

“Do I look like it does?” It’s a rhetorical question really, the ripped fishnets who’ve seen better days, the tousled hair that looked like it either hadn’t been combed in days or she’d just had sex, the days-old eyeliner, a too big flannel shirt tied around her hips. It’s not the look of somebody who cares what you think about her, not the one you’d expect from somebody of her upbringing. There used to be a time where she thought her reputation mattered to her only to realize it was her parents’ approval and love that truly mattered to her. It doesn’t anymore, though, hasn’t had for years. It doesn’t matter what we’re talking about, be it clothes, relationships, language, behavior - Marlene McKinnon does as she pleases and if anybody else has a problem with that, they can fuck off.

iv. What is your relationship with your parents like?

“What relationship?”, she responds dryly letting out a scornful snort. “How can you have a relationship with somebody if you haven’t talked to them in years?” That probably says all anybody ever needs to know about her ‘relationship’ with the people who brought her into this world. Calling them parents would already be a too affectionate term for how she feels about them. When she told them she’d drop out of Hogwarts after one year, they told her to either go through with it like somebody worthy of the McKinnon name would or she wouldn’t be their daughter anymore. So she shrugged and simply left. What sense would it have made to argue with them? After all, they’d made it perfectly clear how they expected her to be from a very young age, ever since she took her first breath really. Her own stupidity was to blame for having believed they could see past the expectations they had for her and accept her for who she was. She didn’t even go upstairs to grab the rest of her things that she hadn’t taken with her to her new flat. Fuck them. And fuck her parents. That was the last time she was at the town villa she grew up in, the last words she exchanged with her parents and she doesn’t intend on changing that any time soon or ever really. They’re not her family anymore.

v. What languages can you speak?

“Let me see, I was raised bilingually in French and English. I had to learn Mandarin because as my dear father always liked to say the Chinese are going to rule the world someday if they keep on growing like that”, she rolls her eyes slightly, “Had Latin in school which, of course, I can’t speak because it’s dead and all that crap, but for a while, I was quite good at reading it, actually. I know Spanish, Italian, and Portuguese well enough for a simple conversation, nothing too complicated, though.  But if you know French and Latin, they all just kind of come easy to you.” She shrugs slightly.  “Additionally, my nanny was from Russia so I know my fair share of that. It’s a little rusty, though, just like my Mandarin.”

vi. If your home was on fire and you could only save one item, what would you choose?

“The deed for the Leaky Bucket.” It’s a response she doesn’t even have to think about, no matter if it’s the most unpractical one or not. Material things like her smartphone, clothes or other stuff are all replaceable and the Leaky Bucket is the most important thing in her life, her second home, her purpose really. There’s nothing she cares about as much as she cares about that building she built up to the popular pub it is now after seeing the half-burnt building and falling in love with it at the first sight.

vii. Which Hogwarts University faculty did you study at? The Gryffindor School of Applied Science, the Ravenclaw School of Humanities, the Slytherin School of Social Science, or the Hufflepuff School of Art?

“Slytherin School of Social Science”, she says and grimaces slightly at the memory. One fucking year of her life wasted there on studying law. In retrospect, she has no idea why she even thought it was worth her time. Why after all these years she still tried to make her parents happy. Because it was only for them that she’d even considered it, not only to mention go through with it. After a complicated youth during which she argued with them on a daily basis, did her best to distance herself from the doll they wanted her to be and ensure that they understood that she’d never be that girl, she thought that there might still be hope for them to grow closer to them. So she did what she knew they’d always planned for her to do, expected of her really: study law at the Slytherin School of Social Science at Hogwarts. She hated it from the very first day. Never before had she done something more boring and terribly annoying. And yet, she pulled through for a whole year. Not that even the fact that she did it despite being obviously miserable was enough to satisfy her parents. No, all they could talk about was how it was absolutely unacceptable that she wasn’t at the top of her class, that she wasn’t passing every exam with flying colors. The moment they told her on Christmas morning that if she finally wrote an exam where she got all the points was the day they’d be proud of her, it was the final straw. The moment she truly realized that they’d never accept her for who she was,

vix. What is your social media username?

“Let’s be honest, I change my instagram handle almost as often as my underwear.” It sounds like an exaggeration, but it’s true. She changes it at least weekly, if not multiple times a week. It’s not always a completely new handle, though, she often reuses names she’s already used in the past, but so far none has been good enough to stick. Or maybe it’s just the fact that “Right now, it’s ragefulthinking, though.”

also, have a little pinterest board for her here (x)

[taylorverse]

My Taylor Swift Story

@taylorswift 

hello taylor! can i just make a big point to say how incredible you are. so i don’t really make these sorts of posts because it just seems unrealistic to be not just noticed by you but by any other swifties. You, Miss Taylor Alison Swift are the actual reason why some people are still living their day to day lives. I have literally grown up listening to your music and there’s always been an element of happiness that it brings me, whether its the vibe of the song or the melody or the lyrics or the sweet and pure way your voice echoes the words. I have had every single album of yours on repeat for all the times i’m hovering over the bath shaving my legs, procrastinating doing revision and literally jamming to old tswift songs in my bedroom. I have spent hours laying in my bed looking up at the ceiling playing all too well whilst i cry my eyes about relating the lyrics to how hard life can be and how difficult it is to keep going. But your music has always been a huge element of my well-being as it just provides a sense of stability; the songs you’ve sung is the poetry of my emotions and the lingering thoughts that I just can’t seem to say. My younger self didn’t even realise what a toll you had on me growing up, I always bought every single calender and all the albums. I remember my dad buying me the signed version of RED and it was just the happiest day of my life. I so clearly remember just holding it in my hands and feelings so happy in that moment. The years where i was beginning to get a bit older and things started to shift, your music was the constant that was always there and never left. I had dance parties where I would be alone in my bedroom singing with the huge poster of you hung above my bed (which once actually fell on my face in the middle of the night and was absolutely terrorfying). My favourite memory was sitting downstairs late at night, when I was like 9 and watching the livestream for RED when you sat in nashville and played acoustic songs on your guitar. I was so happy in that moment, to be able to just feel so connected to a woman who didn’t even know I existed was unlike anything I had ever felt before. Then came my birthday where my dad surprised me with Red tickets I LITERALLY CRIED. The night came and it was my first concert, it was one of the London nights and we sat right at the back. My most vivid memory of that night was the two people behind us who were obnoxiously going on about how they were gonna meet you after and that the show didn’t matter as much. Me and my dad would look at eachother with a jealous smirk and enjoyed the show. To be honest, I can’t actually remember that much but of what I do, I could have sworn you waved at me (even though there were probably about 4894 people in my direction) and the small kid i was held onto that as we trecked our way back on the train at midnight. As this was my first concert and I was so young, it felt so cool to be awake so late and I was in awe of the night I had experienced. 

Being at school, I was always known as the swiftie. I bought the drawstring Red tour bag from the concert because my dad said i couldn’t buy a top as he said “there’s no point in buying it if you’re going to grow out of it”. Anyway i used it as my PE bag and still do to this day. Everyone would tease me and I used to just SHAKE IT OFF and ignore the haterzzzz. My life was completely altered by that night, I wouldn’t stop thinking about it and I remember doing a show and tell in class where I played the videos I took of the concert on the big screen to my whole class as I passed around the rubber wristband I had too bought from that night. Everyone was so amazed by my experience, I was just so happy that I had seen my role model and that my life felt fulfilled at that point. 

I’m now in secondary school, I have never ever stopped playing your music. I even got an app to see how many times I had replayed songs and it turns out i have listened to Speak Now all the way through 800 times (not including the years of listening to it on my iPod). Then when one day I was sitting watching greys anatomy (wink), I got an instagram notification that you had posted a picture. My heart sank as I began to wonder WHAT THE HELL YOU POSTED since you had disapperred from earth. Seeing the what i know now as the snake, I literally jumped out of excitement & an overwhelming burst of confusion built up as I tried to figure out what the hell was happening. More pictures posted and my lil swiftie inside of me came rushing out as I just skipped around the living room. I still remember staying up late to watch LWYMMD music video. It was insane. I lay in my bed with my headphones plugged into my phone and quietly shrieked at the BEAUTY of it. At this point I wasn’t as indulged in the online fandom as I am now, so I started to follow accounts like @marthaswiftie on instagram to be more involved and find out all these crazy theories. The reputation album came out the year right before my life kinda went downhill. I remember the tickets came out for the tour and I didn’t even ask my parents to go because we were going through such a tough time that my own selfish wants were not the priority. 

So beginning 2018, my dad was diagnosed with cancer. We soon found out that it was terminal, which just broke our family individually in different ways. Our family is extreamely close and for something like this to happen, it was such a huge surprise that we just didn’t know how to react. My closest memory was sitting Physics class, just staring into space and all of these horrible thoughts were flooding my mind and all of the worst case scenarios just ruined me. Yet my naive self was so unaware of my emotion that I just carried on with my life, instead trying to be overly happy about life. At this point, my dad was is hospital most of the weeks spending time having his radiotherapy and chemotherapy done. I tried so hard to not think about it, that I ended up having so many breakdowns of which I spent crying my eyes out in my room just trying to hold onto hope that seemed so far away. Selfishly, I so wanted to see you on tour just to give me a pick-me-up but i felt so bad about wanting something for myself since I shouldn’t even be thinking of anything but him. Yet instead, I was so broken that I just ignored what was going on around me. This is what I’ve been learning to cope with and i think at points i felt so defeated. The tour month came up, i watched endless clips of people going and felt so hopeless in seeing you. I was in such a rut of trying to feel happier, yet trying to cover up the way I dealt with things by watching every Youtube video under the sun and literally all the shows on netflix to exist. Even writing this now feels so narrow-minded but it was just the way I was going through it. The literal day before the tour, my sister surprised me with tickets and i canNOT TELL YOU the rush of happiness I felt. I sobbed so much, I did not sleep as I lay thinking about what I was going to wear and the fact that i was going to see you in the flesh. 

The day came, and there are truly no words to describe it. I left school early, rushed home and did my makeup and hair. We hopped on the train and made our way up to london. I remember getting into Wembley and as soon as we walked out of the station I saw a huge group of people wearing merch tops and that’s when it started to kick in. We had a few hours, so we walked up and down the streets, me noticing all the outfits from music videos and award shows that people were dressed up in. Then we sat in nando’s, literally starving and as we ate our food just kept repeating to eachother, “we’re gonna see TAYLOR SWIFT” and every time it gave me goosebumps. A little girl came in as we were finishing, she had little cat ears on and a tutu. She had a top that she had DIYed herself that said I LOVE TAYLOR on it. My heart melted as we made our way out of the restaurant and grinned our way up to the stadium. The closer we got, we saw so many people with VIP necklaces and we looked at eachother rolling our eyes because we were jealous haha. I was so shocked by the diversity of people there, literally every type of person was surrounding us obviously in awe of the event that was about to occur. My favourite bit was walking up the huge pathway to the door entries, we came super early so I could get merch and our route was filled with girls screaming at the sight of eachother. My sister was so confused so I filled her in on the details of how so many people meet online through fan acounts and these concerts are where some of them finally meet. The merch queue was huge, but i had saved enough for a hoodie so we made the decision to stand in it. There were a few girls behind us complaining about the outfits people were wearing, we were annoyed because they kept saying “why do they dress up so much she’s not gonna see them” and my blood just boiled as their remarks piled on top of eachother. As we reached the front of the queue, we heard Charlie playing from the stadium because this line ended being 2 HOURS LONG. I didn’t care though, I said to my sister that the whole fun of it is to wait the long hours and dedicate our time to this day as it was a once in a lifetime. I bought the black hoodie with the zipped hood, they didn’t have small so I got Medium which ended being HUGE, but I love it because I snuggle in i every night. Straight after, my sister took a cute pic of me in the hoodie to send to my mum right before we were about to go through security. It was my first time at wembley so I had no idea what I was doing, but I just followed my sister as we got our bags checked and prepared ourself for the view we were about to whitness. My heart began beating so fast, I was in complete shock and my sister gripped my hand as we found our entry doorway. My first thought was, WHAT THE HELL. I had never been in such an overwhelming place. IT WAS HUGE. the amount of people there just left me in a sedated state for a second before we trudged down the stairs to find out seats. We were in block E, on the floor. It was my first time not being super high up, so i felt so privileged as i strut across the metal walkway feeling so happy about where i was. The struggle to find our seats was REAL. We spent ages when they ended up just being right in front of us the whole time. As soon as we scooted through the others, we sat down and just took a second to realise that we were about to whitness TAYLOR SWIFT PERFORM. My adrenaline was going crazy, my sister took tons of pictures and videos to send to my parents and they were so jealous! Then Camila came on, she was incredible. Everyone stood up as my short height meant I was staring at the huge screen, miming to lyrics to consequences and never be the same. She left and the stadium began to flll up and it just got so much louder. Anticipation grew, every single person in that stadium was just so happy. The Ready for It tune started and that’s when it all kicked off. I lifted myself from my seat, screamed to my hearts content as my sister sang along whilst also watching me give a performance in front of her. Every song was just so amazingly performed. Then when the b stage was next, the whole floor just legged it to get closer. I was nervous to lose my sister or the bags so i remember turning behind me as my sister grabbed the bags and said ‘go’. Little old me bent through the crowd, I ducked beneath and tried to get as close as I could. I remember standing on a chair and as I did i realised that i was less than 5 metres away from TAYLOR SWIFT. I sang along to So it goes and turning back every now and then to see where my sister was and I kept saying ‘Emma, I AM SO CLOSE I AM GONNA CRY’. Every now and then I would pull my phone out for videos but I wanted to grasp this moment as I let all my worries wash away and I whitnessed the most insane moment of my life. As the move for the next stage came, I followed the movement of the crowd as the security officers began to strictly tell people to stop standing on chairs. There I was, spinning around every now and then to see the crowd. Dress was the current song and my eyes lit up at the beauty of Miss swift. The concert followed with so much energy, the seats we had were right at the back of the floor but it was amazing to feel the lit up souls of everyone around me. There was just so much energy, so much love. One thing I remember was grooving to a song when the confetti began to float over us. We were so far back that it didn’t quite reach us yet this one piece was slowly floating mid air quite far back. I followed it with my eyes and reached to grab it as another girl took my opertunity. I was slightly annoyed, but the scenery of lights and idea of my idol being in the same room brought me back to happiness. The night ended with me and my sister talking on the phone to my mum, praising the show and just feeling so blessed. The nightmare of getting home began, as we got on the wrong train and then as we finally settled we were so tired that we almost got lost. My sisters boyfriend picked us up and we got home in a blur of sleep.

That night was unforgettable. It was just all my needs in one place, i felt so satisfied and i watched the videos I filmed of it months and months after, remenising on it. Coming back to present, TS7 is on its way. I woke up at 5am to see the ME! music video as soon as it comes out and see all of the hype. This has been the best day in ages. I have bought the song on itunes and streamed it on every device & app. My fingers literally ache from typing this in one sitting, but it was amazing because I just went through that night all over again from writing about it. But my point is. Whoever is reading this, Taylor or even just my grandma; there is happiness out there. I live by Taylor Swift and her music, she will always and forever be my role model, I LOVE YOU @taylorswift

[weaselbeaselpants]

Why I Hate Tim Burton’s Sweeney Todd

Hate is a strong word but, yes, I really don’t like the 2007 Sweeney Todd. I didn’t like it when it came out (and I was already a big Burton fan girl AND my family is made up of theater people. Don’t you dare try to Burton-splain or Theater-splain me). The musical fan in me dislikes it for overshadowing the story which I think is much better on stage, while the Burton fan in me hates it for being the “best thing Burton’s made since the 90s” according to some. More on that later.

Let me dissect the two things that irk me most about this adaptation:

1) Johnny Depp’s Sweeney Todd

Let’s get something straight about stage shows: every actor is gonna play a role a little differently. Every (good) actor brings a new dimension to a character or portrays them in a way that brings something new to the audience, be it people who’ve seen the show hundreds of times or those watching the musical for the first time. This is even more complicated when you have a movie adaptation of the play. The movie is likely gonna be seen more than the stage musical, so you have to get used to that version being the only one people know and thus being an interpretation of character people will like the best. You CAN’T expect Johnny Depp to play Sweeney like Len Cariou or George Hearn. Johnny is not only NOT those actors, his portrayal of the character follows a very different characterization and mannerisms than them. 

Personally - I like my Sweeney being this angry person ready to burst with rage at the drop of the hat, someone who seethes hate everywhere he goes but doesn’t seem to turn heads, yet he still has a sense of humor about a situation, possibly as a way to adjust to his new philosophy. That doesn’t mean he shouldn’t be sad or solemn though. He’s clearly in pain on the inside, and like a real psychopath is trying his best to feel something again while trying not to return to the pain of loosing his wife and child. I also like Sweeney trying - possibly failing - to put on this air or everything being okay like he’s still just a humble barber and not a nihilistic serial killer. Basically, I like my Sweeney being highly emotional. I like my baritone-bass, Cariou/Hearn type Sweeneys.

Depp and/or Burton is going for a “lost all emotion and joy, never smiles, empty shell, cold and clearly brooding”-type Sweeney. Whatevs. The problem isn’t that you CAN’T play Sweeney that way. Sweeney’s only requirement as a character is that he be a psychotic, revenge-driven, deeply heartbroken man that’s so bent on revenge he ends up destroying the very thing he set out to avenge. You can play up his emotions or lack there of as much as you want.

My problem is that I don’t think Depp plays that well.

I don’t know whether it was his choice, Burton’s choice, or both to have Sweeney sneer more than a 1st grader at a teacher who told him he has to spend recess doing homework- but seriously THAT’S ALL I SEE. Depp looks like he’s trying too hard to look angry and super serious. He’s so edgy looking and his dryness doesn’t come off as engaging to me. His emotionless performance feels lazy. It doesn’t help that he can’t sing either. Like, seriously, Johnny Depp can’t sing. Helena Bonham Carter can sing better than him. I suppose Sweeney Todd isn’t the kind of musical where characters are supposed to sound ‘pretty’, but they could at least sound like they’re hitting a note.

Speaking of Helena-Bonham-Lovett, while I don’t like her performance, I think it’s way more solid than Depp’s. That’s because - again - while this Lovett is very different from the much preferred Landsbury-type, it’s still a version of Mrs. Lovett and gets the most of what her character should be down: desperate, sick and twisted, in-Love with Sweeney and dubious in nature, leaving your to wonder how much worse she is compared to him. Landsbury Lovett is a nasty hag pretending to be a warm grandma; Carter’s Lovett is a worn-out prostitute; whichever way you go you have a desperate, delusional monster cook. It’s not my Mrs. Lovett, but it is a Mrs. Lovett.

Depp’s Todd is sooooooooooo broody you guyz that he doesn’t even feel like Sweeney anymore. He just feels like a generic heartless killer DONUT STEELE GUYS! The character is lost beneath the over-under-acted performance and star power.

2) Tim Burton’s super emo-phase directing

Prepare for the Burton-hipster in me to come out.

I hated Tim Burton’s visual storytelling and mood as a director in the 2000s. For starters, everything has a super dark, shadowy (ugly) filter. It ruined Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, it ruined Alice and Wonderland and it ruined this to some extant. IT’S A TIM BURTON FILM. We don’t need a grey, hazy, deluded color scheme to show that it’s gothic. Actually I think Burton benefited a lot in his earlier movies by having lots of scenes shot in sunny environments with good color schemes to better compliment when things got melancholic, gross, weird, or messed up. Beetlejuice and Edward Scissorhands are the shining examples of this trope. Not every scene looks super deep or grim, so they stand out from the rest of the scenes in the film and establish tone.

Of course, if there’s one story that could benefit from a washed out, dry color scheme I think it IS this film, and I do like the contrast for how bright the blood is. I just wish the lighting wasn’t so overbearing in EVERY scene, no matter what the intended mood. Also it looks kinda bluish. Like it’s an Evanescence music video, probably not helped by the overabundance of CGi. Also, Victorian London is muggy and gross. Burton’s film makes even London at it’s dirtiest feel kinda polished through his lighting and set design. Les Mis did a better job at showing you the grungy side of it’s environment.

More important than visuals is the way in which Burton directed his actors and wrote characters at this time. No matter what the film he was making at the time, every character and every actor looks like they just got punched in the gut and act super dry. The only film that benefited from this ‘charisma’ was Corpse Bride: the story is bleak, melancholic, and at times cynical, it’s characters should emanate that for the sake of the story.

Much like Depp’s Sweeney, everyone whose not Helena Bonham Carter looks emo, angry, emotionless or sad, which by the way doesn’t help Sweeney stand out. Everyone looks like or feels like they’re serial killers. This is a cast of mostly deplorable characters but very few true-blue killers like Sweeney and Lovett. And if they’re supposed to be characters pushed to becoming Sweeney 2.0, like Joanna or Toby, the movie doesn’t do a good job at portraying that. Anthony gets it the worst since he’s the starry-eyed idealist who is too good for this or any world, but instead comes off as a creepo with weird hair. His plans for Joanna are supposed to be alarming, but you’re never supposed to feel like he’d do something bad to her. Movie!Anthony is so much of a crazed stalker that you really don’t want to spend ANYTIME with him or Joanna.

--

I find this adaptation overrated.

In the world of theater, you have to put up with the fact that not everyone can afford to see Broadway shows or take leap of faith and jump at a college or community theater production hoping it’s somewhat decent. Some people are gonna stick to the movie versions and that’s fine (Grease and Chicago are way better movies than they are stage-shows, in my opinion). So if someone prefers the Depp film to the show there’s not much you can do. That’s their opinion and that’s what they were introduced to first.

But then you get these movie critics and film buffs who say things like “this is the best Tim Burton film since (insert pre-1995 Burton film here)” and “it’s so well written, why doesn’t he make stuff like this anymore?”...I kinda wanna scream.

TIM BURTON DIDN’T WRITE SWEENEY TODD. The story is good cause he’s adapting an already existing story to the screen. Frankly, I think his flavor of gothic hinders the story. And the whole “this is the only good new Burton movie”-thing is also really annoying. Big Eyes is great. Heck, if you’re big on Tim Burton’s tropes being used to better affect, Frankenweenie is a better example than this film.

The thing about Tim Burton is, I think he’s better at working with small-scale stories, conflicts and themes than he is at tackling “deep” stuff, which Sweeney Todd is. Burton’s movies are simple in their complexity. That’s why when he tries to write war-based movies or “chosen one” stories like Alice in Wonderland or Planet of the Apes, it falls on it’s face. A Burton movie is more entertaining when he’s obviously just having fun with the stuff he likes and isn’t trying to present himself or his film as some auteur-masterpiece. In fact, if there’s any gothic musical more fit in Tim Burton’s hands than Sweeney Todd, I would say it’s Phantom of the Opera. That musical is ALL melodrama. It feels more at home with Burton than the moral- character driven bloodbath horror of Sweeney Todd. But hey, I guess that’s indicative of people thinking ‘well it’s goffik, so it’s perfect for so-and-so regardless of what their style is and what story we’re trying to tell’.

-

Rant done. Been waiting to get that off my chest since forever.

[talabib]

A Guide To Managing Your Money.

Things used to be a whole lot simpler. Once you found a good job, you stuck with it until you retired. At that point, your employer took care of things, regularly paying out a fixed-sum pension tied to your old salary. Retirees could then put their feet up and relax. 

That's all changed over the last three or four decades. The generous pension plans of yesteryear are long gone, and today’s employees have to look after their own nest eggs. That means playing an active role in how your pension pot is managed, and investing your savings. 

This can be daunting – after all, one false move in the turbulent financial markets can wipe out your savings. So how should you manage your finances? That’s what we’ll be exploring in this post as we take a look at a holistic guide to money management. 

Financial insecurity is the new normal, and our instincts stop us from investing our money wisely. 

Historically speaking, pension plans are a pretty recent invention. In fact, they only really became common in the nineteenth century as certain societies became more financially secure.

Today, however, that era appears to be over. With financial insecurity ever more widespread, pension plans are once again becoming a rarity.

That’s because there’s been a big change in how pension plans are funded. Before the 1980s, employers typically stumped up much of the cash to pay for their employees’ retirements. Now, however, workers are expected to pay this themselves. In the United States, retirement is now most often self-funded through 401(k) investment plans.

Statistics reflect this sea-change in retirement funding. Between 1980 and the present, the number of employees entitled to a full company pension dropped from 62 to just 17 percent. The number of employees self-funding their retirement through 401(k) plans, by contrast, rose from 12 to 71 percent.

Unsurprisingly, this has created a great deal of insecurity. Take a 2017 survey by the Employee Benefit Research Institute. It found that less than one-quarter – just 18 percent – of all Americans expect a comfortable retirement.

But here’s the real kicker: Our efforts to self-fund retirement are undermined by our instincts, which lead us to make poor investment decisions. 

Let’s unpack that. When there’s an economic downturn, we feel less secure. As a result, we begin hoarding money. And how do you do that when the economy stalls and stock prices plummet? Right – you sell the stocks you already own and put off purchasing new stocks.

But this doesn’t make any sense. Think of it this way: You don’t rush to your local supermarket when it hikes its prices; you wait for the sales. This is exactly the logic we should apply to the financial market. The best time to buy stocks is when prices are low – because of, for example, an economic crash. Put differently, if you weren’t buying up cut-price stocks during the 2008 financial crisis, you missed out! That’s a mistake to avoid in the future. 

Investment isn’t the only path to greater financial security, though. We’ll be exploring some of the tools you can use to put your finances in order.

We can’t control every aspect of our financial lives, but we do have a surprising amount of agency.

Insecurity might be on the rise, but that doesn’t mean we’re doomed to monetary misery. Luckily, we all have a powerful tool for solving financial problems – the human brain. Now, the brain isn’t all-powerful, and it can’t resolve every conundrum or make us all financial moguls. But it does give us some leverage.

Let’s start by looking at our brains’ limitations. In his book Thinking, Fast and Slow, the psychologist and economist Daniel Kahnemann argues that our default cognitive setting is “fast thinking.” This is an automatic reflex triggered by events in the world around us. When you’re driving a car and see someone dart into the road, for example, it’s fast thinking that makes you instinctively hit the brakes.

This is because our brains are constantly scanning our environment for threats. When we encounter danger, our reactions are lightning-fast and largely unconscious. That means we can’t control our “fast brain” – it simply makes decisions for us. Sometimes those are financial decisions. If you’ve ever spent a huge amount of money you don’t have, chances are your fast brain was in the driving seat.

But fast thinking isn’t the only setting on which the human brain operates. According to Kahnemann, we also have a “slow brain.” This is responsible for rational thought and analyzing complex data. It’s this setting that allows us to, say, calculate the annual returns on high-yielding savings accounts.

So what can our slow brains control? To answer that, we need to look at a study by social scientists Edward Deci and Richard Ryan published in the Encyclopedia of the Social and Behavioral Sciences in 2015. It suggests that around 60 percent of our ability to make sound decisions and be happy is determined by genes and circumstances.

That puts a lot of decisions beyond our control, but it also means that a full 40 percent of the decisions we make over our lives are conscious choices. If you use your slow brain to make those calls, you’ll be well on your way to financial happiness! 

The best approach to risk management is to minimize your exposure to losses. 

The seventeenth-century French philosopher Blaise Pascal had an interesting take on two of the biggest questions of his day – God and faith. According to Pascal, the decision to believe or not believe in God is a wager, and this explains why it’s better to have faith. If God does exist, you reap huge rewards. If you believe but it turns out that he doesn’t exist, you don’t lose anything. Belief, in other words, is simply a lot less risky.

So what does this have to do with money? Quite a lot, actually. Minimizing risk isn’t just a sound strategy when it comes to belief – it’s also a great way of approaching financial decisions.

Sound money management is all about striking the right balance between risk and reward. The more you risk, the more you stand to gain. But risking everything also means you might just lose everything. You can see how this works by looking at start-ups. When you win in this industry, you win big – just think of Google or Facebook. But, as the CEO of Trepoint, Bill Carmody pointed out in a 2015 article, 96 percent of all start-ups launched in the US over the previous decade had gone bust.

Betting everything on red clearly isn’t a sustainable option, but you also can’t grow financially without taking some risks. So how should you approach risk-taking? Simple: minimize your exposure to losses.

Take the insurance industry. When you buy a house, you’re taking on financial risk. Houses are expensive, after all, and they can – and sometimes do – burn down. To avoid losing everything, you take out insurance on your house, thereby diminishing the risk of financial ruin in case the worst happens.

The same principle can be applied to investment. Look at the world’s most successful investors, like Warren Buffett and Charlie Munger, and you’ll find they all have one thing in common – they’re obsessed with avoiding damage and limiting risks. Their great strength is that they wait until the odds are stacked in their favor before striking. By focusing on risk prevention, they make bets that simply can’t lose.

Start planning your finances by determining your net worth and setting financial goals. 

Now that we’ve explored general approaches to managing your finances, it’s time to look at the specifics. Let’s start with something very few of us ever get around to doing – working out our own net worth.

This is extraordinarily effective. Even better, it’s easy to do. First off, you’ll want to calculate the sum of all your assets – your house, car, retirement fund, savings, the value of individual items in your home, and so on. Put this in one column. Next, tally up your debts in a second column. This will contain everything from your mortgage to credit card debts, college loans, and car loans. The difference between the total of these two columns is your net worth. Calculate this every year to get a sense of how you’re doing over time. 

So why is this such an important exercise? Well, once you’ve gained an accurate overview of your current financial health, you can start thinking about your financial goals.

Knowing what you’re aiming for is the alpha and omega of money management. Obviously, you can’t always predict what your needs will be in the future, but you can make some pretty decent estimates based on your current wants and needs.

Say you already know that you want to be able to put a $50,000 down payment on a $250,000 house in about five years, or you’ve worked out how much annual income you’ll need to live comfortably when you retire. Once you’re clear about these goals, you can create a financial plan to reach them. Check this every year, and you’ll be able to assess whether you’re on track or need to put a little bit more aside each month.

Gratitude is good both for your wallet and your psyche.

Financial health isn’t just about balancing budgets and picking the right investments. In fact, it’s just as important to consider less-tangible things – like practicing gratitude, for example. Sound strange? Actually, it makes a whole lot of sense.

The truly wealthy have more than material riches – they’re also happy. Why? Well, as psychologist and world-leading gratitude expert Robert Emmons notes, thankfulness is a key component of happiness. Put simply, expressing gratitude makes you feel good.

And that’s something you can learn. Emmons recommends two gratitude-boosting techniques. First off, take stock of everything you already have. The problem here is that we often want to compare ourselves to others. Resist that temptation and simply reflect on your own progress, and you’ll feel much more grateful for your lot in life.

Secondly, it’s vital to recognize that where you are today isn’t down solely to your talent and hard work – luck and the help of others also played their part. According to psychologist Kristin Layous, humility is a foundation for gratitude. That means learning to thank others – whether in words or thoughts – is an important catalyst for feelings of happiness and contentment.

Gratitude does more than change your attitude, though – it also changes your spending habits. When you’re constantly looking over your neighbor’s fence and enviously worrying about his new car, you’re likely to end up in a spending competition and splurge on unnecessary luxuries of your own. That isn’t financially sound – and it won’t make you happy, either.

And that’s where gratitude comes in. If you’re grateful for the food on your plate, you don’t need a gourmet meal. Similarly, if you’re thankful for the friends you already have, you don’t need to impress new friends by buying the latest gadgets or following fashion trends. It really is that simple: gratitude is good for your soul and your wallet!

Simple beats complex every time when it comes to financial decisions.

Before we talk more about money, let’s take a moment to rewind back to the 1840s. Our setting is a maternity ward in a hospital in Vienna, Austria, where a doctor named Ignaz Semmelweis is pondering a strange situation. The death rate among women giving birth on his ward is one in ten. The death rate among women during so-called “street births,” by contrast, is just one in 25. What was going on? 

Semmelweis racked his brain for solutions. In the end, with the benefit of hindsight, the answer became glaringly obvious – it’s safer to give birth outside a hospital than to be treated by a doctor who hasn’t washed his hands. And that’s the lesson here: simple answers are usually the correct answers. 

The human brain, however, loves complexity. The more choices we have, the happier we feel. No wonder – choice is synonymous with abundance, which in turn gives us a sense of security. This, incidentally, explains why Starbucks’ huge coffee menu, with all its size and ingredient choices, is so popular. 

Simplicity doesn’t trigger these reactions. It’s pragmatic and boring and leaves our brains craving more stimulation. Given a choice, we’d rather look at a beautiful painting that’s been hung up in a buzzing café serving great food as a band plays than in a museum. Complexity sells.

But making decisions on this basis can be financially ruinous. That’s why it pays – literally – to keep things simple. To do that, all you need to do is remember three straightforward rules.

First, buy when prices are low and sell when prices are high. Second, diversify your portfolio of assets, or – in everyday terms – don’t put all your eggs in one basket. Third, stick to your guns and don’t jump from one investment opportunity to the next. This rule isn’t as self-explanatory as the other two, so let’s unpack it a little. 

In most cases, when you invest, you’ll either be lending your money to a company or buying stocks or shares in a company. If you’re playing the long game, your best bet is to invest in stocks, which offer the highest return on investment stretching over several decades. If you’re making a short-term investment, on the other hand, bonds are a safer choice. Keeping this in mind, all you have to do now is choose a company you trust that has a strong product!

Investing isn’t a precise science, and good investors accept that they don’t know it all.

Finance is often associated with sophisticated equations and algorithms that make complex market movements perfectly knowable and predictable. Unfortunately, this just isn’t the way investment works.

In reality, investing isn’t the precise science it’s often made out to be. Paradoxically, this is actually a good thing – after all, it means that you don’t have to be a math genius with five PhDs to make money on the markets.

Take Charlie Munger, one of the world’s most successful investors. According to Munger, investors don’t know the precise outcomes of investment decisions – the best they can do is pick investments that have a high likelihood of working out.

This might sound like false modesty coming from an investor who earned billions on the stock market, but it’s a sound approach. If you want to make sound investment choices, you have to accept that you’re playing a “game” that is largely governed by chance. Staying humble and realistic is your best bet if you want to avoid losses and make the right calls.

In practice, this means that you need to admit to yourself that you don’t know it all. That can be hard, especially if you’re a high-profile investor with tons of financial information at your fingertips. But despite the Hollywood image of aggressive, arrogant traders duking it out on Wall Street, the best investors understand that humility trumps overconfidence.

Why is that? Well, look at it this way. When you recognize that you can’t predict every outcome in the financial markets, you’re much more likely to have the patience to stick with your investments and pay close attention to portfolio diversification and risk management. That’s a better approach than simply jumping on the latest bandwagon and putting all your money on the most hyped investment option.

There is a predictable average return on stock investments, but the range of possible outcomes is much broader.

Ask your mother or your neighbor what kind of return you can expect on your stocks and they’ll likely name a figure like ten percent. This reflects the common sense understanding of how investment works, and it’s not a million miles from the truth: the return on most investments is pretty predictable.

According to data collected by the Ned Davis Research Group, for example, the average yearly return on investments in stocks is indeed about ten percent. During the first two years of an investment, average returns actually rise slightly above that number due to swings in company performance. These typically have a larger impact over the short term than they do over the long term.

That means we can bank on a ten percent return on our investments, right? Not quite. This figure leaves something important out of the picture – probabilities. And that in turn leads to false expectations. Let’s break that down.

In reality, the range of possible investment outcomes is unpredictable. Rather than a steady ten percent return, you’re much more likely to see a large number of highs and lows as rates ping up and down. This is something the average rate of return doesn’t capture. Consider the United States stock market. Some years, it grows at an astonishing clip – in recent times, it’s grown by 167 percent! Then there are sharp downturns. In some years, the stock market has contracted by 67 percent.

The range of positive and negative outcomes, in other words, is huge, especially in the first years after an investment. But here’s the good news: the longer you stick with your investment, the more this range diminishes. In the long run, you’re looking at a range of between, say, zero and twenty percent, though small losses can’t always be ruled out.

The lesson here is that it’s important not to get too excited by the early up-and-down swings in your stock’s value. Give it a couple of decades, and there’s a strong chance things will even out.

When it comes to finances, it’s important to keep a level head and remember that luck plays its part in the financial markets. Recognizing this and staying humble is a crucial part of becoming a successful investor, which is all about limiting risks and avoiding bad calls. Once you’ve done that, you can stack the odds in your favor by investing in simple, reliable schemes, and sticking with your investments over the long term.

Action plan: Diversify your investment portfolio.

As we’ve seen, luck plays a big part in financial investment, since it’s impossible to be sure which companies will grow and which will crash. If you expect an average ten percent return on your investment, and only invest in one company, you’re liable to find yourself in trouble if that firm crashes or underperforms. The alternative approach? Simple: hedge your bets and spread your investment over multiple companies. If one set of stocks goes bad, you’ve always got a safety buffer.