#Call me pork chop the way i'm getting ate up

[numbmontezuma]

I knew 1999 was gonna be horny but goddamn.

[coopers-kitchen]

I throw a Halloween party every year, and just like with every party I'm always serving up longpig - and with it being a holiday, I want to make sure I have something really special.

Luckily, I get pigs more or less begging for the chance to be one of my holiday meals. So this year I did something different.

In January, I posted on Meat-up that I was looking for pigs for all the major holidays. I got photos, videos, nutritional information, diets, measurements, everything I needed to make an informed decision. I narrowed the shortlist down to fifty pigs and had them all get a one way trip out to California, with the understanding that they'd never go home, as I made my final selection.

Some of the decisions were easy. I knew I wanted a Chinese pig for Chinese New Year, and of the two pigs that flew out from Shanghai, one needed a little too much time to get ready, while one of them was good enough to eat. A cornfed, All-American type was ideal for a July 4 barbecue, and even though I don't personally celebrate eid, the 300 pound Saudi Arabian boy definitely warranted a feast of his own.

Don't worry, I made sure all the pigs I didn't pick went to good homes - a few went to Isla Cerdos, a few went to some chef friends of mine, two got sent as project pigs at the Isla Cerdos culinary program, three were butchered, and the rest went to pigsitters until I had space for them as house pigs.

This was my selection for Halloween - 300 pounds of prime pork, with plenty of time to maintain his meat and ensure the maximum flavour. I shifted him to an mostly vegetarian diet and monitored him carefully, made sure he only ate pre approved snacks, and lots of them. Two months before Halloween, I cut meat out entirely - this pig was strictly a vegetarian. One month before he was caged and fed only 100% efficient and vegetarian pig slop. Four days before Halloween and he switched to a liquid diet, only brought out when it was time to shave him, clean him, and prep him for the oven the day before the big event.

I celebrated the season with a sweet stuffing- maple syrup, longpork from a pig who'd hoped to be my Halloween meal but sold to a butcher bud of mine (seems only fair he got to participate in some way), donuts, pumpkin, cinammon, pecans, and nutmeg. It tasted so good he was only too eager to shovel it down his throat while I worked fistful after fistful up his eager ass, packing him tight - after all, he had a lot of mouths to feed. A maple pecan glaze rubbed into every inch of pork, and I even switched out the traditional apple for a candy one. Then, it was just a matter of trussing him up and sliding him into the oven. I take Halloween seriously, hence the longer than usual cooking time - an extra long time on a low heat meant plenty of time for all the fat to melt into the pork for extra flavour and tenderness, and it meant this Pork Chop got to experience cooking for a nice long time, especially when I broght him out to baste or rest the meat and, well, if you can't play with your food on Halloween, when can't you? Just call it a trick. He was ready when it was time for my guests to arrive, and as an extra treat for such a special pig, I served him rare - still alive, unable to feel pain, but aware that he was being eaten. I even paid some of the wait staff from one of my restaurants overtime if they worked the event, carving the meat while me and my buds and pigs enjoyed the party.

Well, it's safe to say that the party was a huge success - the pig was tender, delicious, and lasted for hours as we went back and forth to get more and more, and I bet this pig was satisfied to finally become the meal he'd always dreamed of.

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #152

I went to the good place today with the nice leader! I was thrilled about being able to give him a jar of lilac syrup! But then I immediately felt very silly, because I didn't think to bring a jar for the piano player. That's okay though; I am hoping that sometime this week, I'll be able to invite him and his partner to Eggcellent; I can give them a jar of lilac syrup then!

I was delighted to see that the leader, so enamored with the syrup and how it tasted, started showing it off to the others in the congregation, imploring them to try some on a spoon! The folks seemed surprised both at the fact that lilac syrup is a thing that exists, and at how good it tastes!

…I really wish I could share some with you. You could put it in tea. Or in yogurt. Or in oatmeal. Or stir it into milk. Or bake it into cookies. It's so versatile! And it tastes exactly like how lilacs smell!

There were lots of good snacks at the place today. I took a picture of the ones I got:

One of the ladies there, knowing how much J likes fruit, prepared a giant bowl of fruit salad. People took what they wanted, and J promptly ate all the rest, as he do, ahahaha! They also give him a fresh loaf of bread; one of the folks at the place is a STELLAR baker, and their bread is some of the best I've ever had the privilege of tasting. J is almost as fond of bread as he is of fruit, and so, because the folks love him so much, if there are extra loaves, they give one to him!

…It's a very loving and delightful group of people!! I feel very lucky!

It was Br's birthday recently, and so today I made gluten-free baked mac-and-cheese for her, because she'll get sick if she eats wheat! I used brown rice pasta and gluten-free crackers! The recipe to make this is very simple…

First, you boil a pound of elbow macaroni. Brown rice pasta works really well for this. When the consistency is good, you strain it and put it in a big baking dish. Then you open a 28oz can of diced tomatoes and toss it in with the pasta. And then you add 8oz of cheddar cheese (extra sharp, this time) and 8oz of a different kind of cheddar cheese (seriously sharp, this time). The result should look like this:

And then you mix it up!! And the result of that should look like this!

Then you just layer the top with crushed crackers. Easy peasy. Bake it in the oven at 350F until it's gooey-looking and slightly toasted on the top, and you've got yourself a mighty tasty snack:

Br cut up and sauteed some pork chops to go with it, too!

…And here is the bowl I assembled!

…I wish, more than anything, that I could share all of the things I love with you, so that you can see that life is not wholly full of pain and despair. I mean… it is full of pain and despair much of the time; there's no doubt about that. But that's why you have to keep your boundary skills robust and be selective of the spaces in which you put yourself. The sparkles of joy are everywhere if you know where to look, what to avoid along the way, and who to call upon for help when you inevitably can't avoid all the things that hurt. There are plenty of folks in this world who will lend you empathy and grace. And I know this because I am such a one, and I am very cognizant of the fact that I am not special.

Hey, Sephiroth? Are you taking care of yourself at the Edge of Creation? Are you safe and warm? Are you eating enough? Are you hydrating? Do you get enough sleep? I know I ask these things a lot; sorry about that. But it's not as though you can answer me, so I guess I get worried.

…I guess I'm worried about you pretty much all the time. I know you've made mistakes, but I still don't want you to be suffering alone somewhere. No one deserves that. None of my biological or step family deserves that. Everyone deserves a chance to heal, to change, and to turn themselves around, no matter the mistakes they've made before.

I know some people will think differently, and probably call me stupid and naive or even a bad person because I think this way. But… if the application of more pain to people who cause pain was gonna cause world peace, it would have happened by now, ya know? It's as you say - the cycle of pain, hate, and violence can only be undone by grace and compassion. It can only be undone by teaching people a better way of expressing themselves, and teaching them to judge themselves and others less. It can only be undone by teaching them to stop associating their self-worth with arbitrary and destructive things. It can only be undone by teaching mercy in combination with robust boundaries.

Well. I hope you're okay over where you are. But all the same… please be safe over there, okay? Please.

I'm gonna stop writing before I start rambling. But I'll write again tomorrow. I love you. Please don't disappear.

Your friend, Lumine

[1surfrocker]

10/14/2023

Last Friday Amy and I went out carousing in Downtown Long Beach. We ran into Craig at The Ordinaire, who I hadn't seen in god knows how long (since before Amy and I were a thing, so over 7 years). Craig lives in Long Beach now as well, but commutes into LA as he's still with the LAPD. Craig's one of those friends I didn't think I'd ever see again, as we're so different (he's a republican cop, and I'm me). But it was really good catching up with him, and I'll have to get a beer with him again soon. I spent most of the evening watching him and Amy debate about the housing crisis and what to do with vacant buildings owned by Chinese Nationals. It was like an episode of Bill Marr.

He mentioned that he hadn't talked to Josh in many years, and that Luke lives in Florida now with Toluca and has 2 kids.

After we parted ways, Amy and I walked down to the lighthouse and I smiled as she ran through the sprinklers twice.

The following day Matt and Chloe came over to record a song that they had very recently written together, a lovely ballad that reminds me a bit of Radiohead's Creep with a tinge of soul and R&B. It was the weekend of their 2 year anniversary, and I was honored to record them for this occasion, and thrilled they wanted to be in my studio instead of out at a nice restaurant or vacation getaway.

We wrapped up at 5 and then Amy and I headed to Sarah and Andrew's for dinner, ate porks chops with carrots, sweet potatoes and brussel sprouts, caught up with them regarding their Scotland hijinks (Sarah spent a month there this past August for the Edinburgh Fringe Festival) and soaked in the hot tub. At the end of the night we played Mario Kart while I slaughtered and Andrew pretended to have a good time.

Lisa came over on Sunday and we watched Fair Play, an amazing drama that kept us both glued to the edges of our seats while we watched the young wall street couple's relationship spiral out of control and take violent turns. Highly recommended.

The work week was slow but steady. I do wish I had some more exciting projects on the books right now, though if this deal with Raffael in Argentina goes through, that would give me a much needed jolt! We'll see.

Yesterday, there was an interesting incident with a crazy customer who was asking me to price match what looked to be a fake Vintage King listing for used Adam S3XH's almost a month after I sold him brand new S3XH's. He must have emailed me the same message three times in 30 minutes demanding I issue him a $224 store credit. I had to bring Steve into the mix to see if he was on the same page as me when I told him to basically go fuck himself. I was kind of hoping the customer would call me after I sent the email, just so I could bask in the drama. This guy's a really odd duck, always calls me from a blocked phone number and talks in this loud, overly formal monotone. It'd be funny if it wasn't so annoying.

Today we clean the house like crazy. It's finally looking good again after weeks of having all our stuff from the attic piled into the living room. Speaking of the attic, it's basically done. We went shopping for curtains and runs at IKEA last night (what a romantic way to spend a Friday night!) and so I'm feeling oh so domesticated as I write these words.

Off to Niloo's birthday shindig tonight at Dirty Beetles. Tomorrow: Me time.

Cheers!

[rpmemesbyarat]

RP meme from Scream Queens Ep 9 "Ghost Stories"

Damn straight I'm out in public.

I'm the master of disguise, baby.

Like, "are you not entertained?"

Yeah, no, no, everyone thinks I'm Joaquin Phoenix.

I just tell them it's part of my performance art piece.

I'm Joaquin Phoenix.

I'm sort of gay now, too.

Why are you dressed like that?

Sacagawea taught the pilgrims how to make cranberry sauce and then, like, sang "Blue Corn Moon" or something.

You know how you've been talking about taking our relationship to the next level?

Yeah, like, you know, like, the furniture just starts screaming, or, like, you'll crack open a Mountain Dew and you'll start to drink it and then it'll just turn to blood.

We're gonna have, like, the dopest time.

So let's all raise a glass to me.

I am about to be, like, super rich.

You can't spend Thanksgiving alone.

Oh, I am so glad neither of us have been killed.

I don't understand why you're making us bubble wrap each item of clothing.

When something costs $63,000, you wrap it in bubble wrap.

I think because I'm not allowed to carry a firearm, I like to pop the little bubbles, and then pretend like my finger is a gun.

I am personally being haunted by a ghost.

Wait, you-you-you seriously saw a ghost?

Put down the bubble wrap down.

Them Japanese got all manner of weird-ass ghost stories. And the one about the kappa is the creepiest of all. They live in the sewer. And they just waiting for you to sit your ass on the toilet, so they can reach up and grab your ass, snatch you by the vagina and drown your crushed body in raw sewage.

Why another story about a bathroom?

No more ghost stories!

I really have to pee. But there is no way I'm going anywhere near a toilet. So if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go look for a salad bowl to squat over under the stairwell.

Does somebody need another ghost story to scare away the heebie-jeebies?

You have come back to haunt us.

Ghosts walk among you every day; you would never know it.

Did you forget you're super gay?

Haven't you ever heard the phrase, "once you go black, you never go back"?

If I don't hear another ghost story right now, I might just have a stroke!

Then the killer could come in and chop off your head!

Let's all sit by the fireplace.

The killer could still be out there!

I need my lotions, my silk robe, my sensual massage oils, a bottle of champagne, and chocolate-covered strawberries.

I was a pretty amazing person when I was alive.

Maybe we can even date for a little while.

You faked your death.

Wait. This all makes sense-- of course you would fake your own death so no one would suspect you.

We both know how you got his birthmark on your hand! From when I stabbed you in your evil lair!

I am not staying in this house for a moment longer.

Call the cops. There's someone in the back seat of your car.

Okay, well, I'm really sorry about that, but you have to admit that what you were doing was super confusing.

I could have swore I saw someone. Granted I am pretty high on Adderall and I've been on the road for 35 hours straight.

I feel like you farted.

Your breath, it always smells like you just ate a cheeseburger.

It's like making out with the Hamburglar.

You, my friend, have a poo belly.

I only caught this kiss so I could throw it away.

That story is neither scary nor amazing.

Honestly, if you're going to get attacked, please attempt to get attacked in a fresh, exciting way.

We have to concentrate-- the pieces of this puzzle are coming together.

The police aren't going to help us.

You can't stop a ghost.

And guess what, bitch, I'm pregnant!

Packing matters to me. That's why I chose to minor in luggage sciences with an emphasis in packing theory.

I really screwed up.

I mean, most of the time we porked in a way that could not result in pregnancy, if you know what I mean. But I always knew I had a sackful of strong swimmers.

We make our beds and we lie in them.

You could still be my piece on the side.

I want you to pay.

You might even just pay the ultimate price.

Did you just threaten to kill me?

Am I just supposed to ignore the obvious fact that you hate me and love nothing more than playing super-humiliating pranks on me?

Why do you always have to make everything about you?

Like, remember that one time when you hacked into my mom's e-mail and wrote me this really long letter explaining how I was adopted and born with fetal alcohol syndrome and therefore, had an IQ in the low 60s?

I'm sorry, but that was hilarious. I stand by that prank.

[NAME], you cannot just run around murdering people.

I beg of you, do not have sex with him.

His blood is on your hands!

The only benefit of meeting you is that I now know I clearly have a type, and that type is a moron.

I'm gonna make sure that everyone you know knows that when we had sex, you asked me in baby talk if you could nurse from me.

Oh, I never say I'm sorry.

I see that you're enjoying the good life.

Are you about to break into song?

Are you about to break into song? Because all I'm hearing out of your mouth is, ♪ me, me, me, me, me. ♪

My mother would have understood.

It's a special champagne with triple the alcohol and a nicotine-y mouth feel, because it's infused with tobacco.

You're trapped in a web of lies, whore.

You're not leaving this room until you've peed on every single one of these pregnancy tests.

Fine, you got me. I'm not pregnant.

It's just that ever since you walked through those doors, I knew you were gonna be the one to take it all away from me.

You killed her!

[askme-polaris]

Bath time and the voices are back...

It was a somewhat normal day at the Hazbin Hotel. All of the staff was busy or at least one of them was before he went on his break. Husk had retreated to his room once he finished his shift where he found our little bundle of jitters scratching and itching up a storm. "Poli...what are ya doin on the floor? And why are you scratching so much... Stop before you end up breaking the skin." He interrogated the small fruit bat demon who had paused in her scratch fest and looked in the direction of the voice with her bright,purple eyes.

"I'm itchy, mr. Husk! Make it stop itching!" The bat whimpered, starting to scratch again while crying. She had been itching for a while but she didn't know why. It felt like something was biting her all over but she could never reach and so she was scratching in an attempt to make it go away and soothe the itch. Husk noticed her distress and scooped her up in his arms. "Guess it's bathtime then. Let's get you cleaned up so the itch goes away,yeah?" He suggested gently,softly petting her ears and giving her his kindest smile despite knowing she couldn't see it. Polaris nodded and let herself be carried in the bartender's arms to his bathroom. He ran the shower to the temperature she preferred and helped her undress before placing her in the tub and scrubbing her in the spots she had scratched feverishly with gentle scrubbing motions. This was like any other shower with Husk. She trusted him to help her get cleaned but couldn't help how sensitive her body got to his touches in certain spots. She'd freeze up and let out a squeak when his paws scrubbed on her chest and de-tangled the matted fur around that area, thoroughly scrubbing the shampoo and soap in well to ensure her cleanliness. He did this everyday so why was it different this time? His paw moved down and she jumped,squeaking again as he scrubbed between her legs. He knew she couldn't help it, women's bodies are sensitive. He figured she must have been extra sensitive since she couldn't see and had to trust Husk to assist her in tasks she couldn't do even if he guided her through the process. 'Why do i always get so sensitive with him during our showers? I trust him with all my being. So why...? Why does my body react this way?" She pondered to herself,listening to the pattern in the water coming from the shower overhead pattering on the porcelain floor below them. It reminded her of rainfall from the topside in the living realm. She loved the rain and would often fall asleep to it in class on instinct. She tried not to focus on his soft,gentle scrubbing on her body and think more about her past life and what she could remember well. She was however brought out of her nostalgia trip when she felt him scrubbing the skin connecting her wings and tail before moving on to the curves and dips of her back and legs. She flinched,feeling his claws run along the skin under her fur. She never knew why bathtime was always so sensual in her mind. She supposed it was because the demon she was so deeply enamored with was the one scrubbing her from head to toe with careful,precise touches and reaching the spots she couldn't but were very sensitive for her. These touches often result in her nearly crippling over from the stimulation and she felt herself getting warmer and often found her mind wandering with the water pouring down. She shook those thoughts from her mind when they would resurface again. Every damn time! Why do they have to come and ruin my peaceful bathtime with Mr. Husk!

He's not even mine...

She often yelled this at herself for letting her mind conjure such thoughts. She was always snapped out of her self-scolding by the feeling of the water pouring down on her and Husk. The soup and shampoo and de-tangling conditioner being thoroughly rinsed and washed out, leaving her fur soft and with a pretty shine to her coat. As always,Husk climbed out first wrapping a towel around his waist before gently scooping Polaris out after him in a towel and turning off the shower,letting the tub drain. Husk cleans himself after Polaris is clean. He always put her before himself. He wasn't selfish and cared for her deeply.

Husk dried off and dried off Polaris,blowing through her fur with a blow-dryer. He chuckled when she puffed up from the warm air,causing the said bat to blush and pout at him laughing at her predicament. He proceeded to apply her deodorant to her underarms and moisturized her fur and hair,knowing that she was susceptible to dryness as soon as they hopped out of the shower. He'd already brushed her teeth and was now brushing and combing out the kinks and tangles in her head of hair. He smoothed her fur down,kissing her forehead and dressed her in something comfy. A simple,backless sweater with sparkles paired with black shorts. He heard her stomach grumble accompanied by her sheepish giggle.

"Let's get you some grub. Must be a bit hungry after getting a nice scrub in the tub." He figured as he booped her nose,being rewarded with a smile and outstretched arms as his signal to pick her up. "Looks like you aren't itchy anymore so let's go eat. I'll cook up somethin for ya." He picked her up and carried the both of them to the dining room to get something to eat. He cooked up some meat for her and watched as she hungrily chowed down,wiping the juices from her mouth as she ate.

He saw the look on her face as she lowered her muzzle to the plate. "Don't you do it." He warned as he saw her tongue flick out between her lips. "Don't you dare. Poli,I'm warnin ya. Don't you lick that plate." He threatened half-heartedly,sighing as his warning fell on deaf ears as she proceeded to lick the juices that dripped from the meat from the plate. A pool of juices from the pork chop he cooked for her was now being lapped up by her pink bat tongue. Once she finished, she giggled and let Husk take her plate to wash. He washed hers and his and they walked back to his room together. Poli had gone quiet and looked noticeably upset about something. "Polaris,what's the matter? You feelin alright?" He expressed his worry,approaching the small bat as she twiddled her fingers and lightly grinded her teeth together. Minutes passed and she remained quiet. Just as Husk was about to call out to her, she finally opened her mouth to speak. "I feel dirty... Why was bathtime so much more different this time than all the other times you bathed me? I can still feel your paws ghosting over my body even though we already left the bath and these thoughts... They don't feel right...i feel so bad about it...why was i so s-sensitive afterwards?" Her voice cracked as she spoke and tears bubbled up in her starry eyes,sniffling. Husk looked at her with wide eyes and took a seat beside her. "Poli, you-" He was interrupted by her mini screech of guilt. "A-am i bad for having these thoughts?! I-is it wrong?! A-am i wrong for thinking that way?! I-i feel like m-mr.Angel! I-is that b-bad?!" She continued to ramble and spout until her words became a jumbled mess and he couldn't decipher anything she was saying. He gently grabbed her and pulled her into a hug as she sobbed. She was coming undone once again and all husk could do was wait. Wait for her to come back down and reach her calm again. It took a bit but he eventually pulled her to arms length and she looked up at him with watery pale blue eyes. "A-am i...gross for...imagining you and i...in that way?" She shakily asked,hoping he wouldn't be disgusted with her and kick her out of his room or even worse than that.

"Those thoughts aren't bad at all...they're normal...i don't know why you were so jumpy and maybe you were extremely sensitive this time cause i had my paws lingering too long in those spots... I got distracted and caught up in my own thoughts... For some reason, my dumb old brain hyper-fixated on the softness of your fur and how your life must have been when you were alive. Don't ever think you were bad for having those thoughts,Poli. I care about you so much." he hugged her to his chest,rubbing her back and rocking her gently like he always did when she had her moments. "Y-you don't think I'm gross...m-mr.h-husk?" She felt him shake his head and tell her no in a hushed tone. She sniffled,snuggling up in his embrace before they both lied down at the head of his bed. Husk put on some nice,calming music to fill the quiet void between them. They didn't need to talk after that so they gazed into the other's eyes while Sway by Michael bublé played in the background. Husk took this as a chance to intertwine his and Polaris' claws together and hold hands while laying on the sides facing each other. A somber smile finding its way to both their faces. For a moment,they saw the other's human self in place of their own. Polaris saw Husk's human incarnation. A man with scruffy facial hair, tired brown eyes that looked sick of everything,with short messy graying hair. The man wore a vest over a white button-up shirt with black slacks with bands around the middle of the long sleeves of the shirt. In Husk's eyes, he saw in place of Polaris, a fair skinned girl with purple hair fading into a purplish-pink at the ends. The girl had pretty magenta colored eyes that he wasn't sure if those were contacts or her real eyes. The girl wore a purple off-the-shoulder sweater over a violet zip-up crop top with dark purple jeans and dark grey boots with purple along the front. He noticed there was a necklace with a rubber ring hanging from her neck matching the one he found Polaris with when they first met. After what he'd been told, he guessed the ring was a stimming toy to help Polaris with her stimming. He subconsciously reached out to stroke her cheek,seeing the girl jump before leaning into his touch with a soft smile. They both blinked,seeing the other was back to their normal demon appearance. To Polaris, while others might not have found Husk's human parallel self attractive, she found the man to be very handsome and good looking. She began to wonder if they had met while they were still alive, would they have gotten along and been friends or perhaps something more like they do here in hell?

Maybe not... But it didn't hurt to imagine such a nice vision. Husk had gotten stuck in his thoughts again and imagined a world where he and Polaris were both still alive and they had crossed paths. He would react brashly before being awestruck at her beauty,apologizing for being so rude and the two would strike off a conversation,getting to know the other while walking side by side.

Wouldn't it be nice to have someone to love and hold in your arms?

[oreostacker]

Dinner that night, grilled pork chops served with buttered, potatos, and asparagus. Some sweet, flakey, fresh from the oven rolls were also on the table, and all of this was paired with some nice wine. Karen and Linda made it to the door just as the pork chops were being plated.

"Hey mom, Linda. How'd the rest of the bake sale go?"

Karen was slowly making her way through the living room over to a dining room chair, making small noises as she went. She finally settled in her chair, Linda sitting herself in the chair next to her.

"It went well honey, we were able to sell off almost everything."

"Yeah!, and if it wasn't gone then it got wrapped up and stored for an after service lunch. Or if you were lucky, you wrapped and snuck out the cake that you baked and brought for the event!"

She said smiling with a small laugh

Gasp!"you brought Linda cake!"

"From her story it's more like she stole a cake from the Lord."

"Its not stealing if I baked it, with my own ingredients and on my own time, brought it, for free and helped with the sale courtesy of my own spare free time."

"Barbara, are you really gonna complain about free Linda cake?"

"Yeah, I had to pay for my slice."

"No mom I'm not really complaining, just saying it sounds like stealing."

"Oh, stop worrying about my soul I'm square with the lord and the Lord is squared with me. Let's pray and have some of this food before it gets cold."

Bowls were passed, smells, wafted and funny stories and conversations were shared to pass the time. And before long the table was cleared of food and dishes. Karen and Kara are washing and putting them away, while Linda and Barbara divided the left overs so that everyone had some to take home.

"Barbara, where are your plates? And where can I get a knife? I need to divide this cake up somehow."

"Oh, here Linda we'll just use the plates we just washed. And I don't know where we can find a knife." Karen begrudgingly explained,

"Calm down mom, it's not a big deal I can wash them again on my own, you won't have to do any more work. Here Linda use this knife."

"Its not the work, I didn't want to leave you with any kind of a mess. You made dinner-,"

"Hey I helped with dinner! Why'd I have to help clear and clean dishes?"

"Quite your whining, it's not your house or your food you can help out a little more."

"Well you didn't do a lot tonight why didn't you and Linda have to do much? Mmmm??"

"I gave birth to the both of you, I raised you, fed you helped you learn, clothed you. I have earned not helping as much."

"What about Linda?"

"Stop arguing with mom,"

"Oh please I'm barley arguing," said giggling

" Linda helped me not murder you guys when you were younger, and she's old she needs to take longer breaks." She exasperated with a smile

"Hey yer older than me?!"

"So why can't'cha keep up?"

"EVERYONE, grab yer plates and head outta my kitchen."

Everyone headed out to the living room laughing full belly laughs while trying not to drop their plates.

"Ohmphf, before I forget, mom"

" What is it."

"Who made the sugar cream pie for the bake sale?"

"Oh, I don't know, Linda who dropped off that pie?"

"I don't know, never saw their face and they left before I could get a name."

"WHAT, NO?!"

"What's wrong? Why are you upset it's just a pie?"

"No, mom I'm with Kara on this, that pie was amazing you should've tried some before we ate it all."

"I've got to find that pie baker."

"Well I'm sorry girls but I do remember them being tall, and I'd say it was a man if that helps."

"A tall, man, who makes a sugar cream pie with God's secret ingredients, mmmm."

"Think he's into older women?"

Snort heh, "yeah I call dibs."

"Hey no fair you have Bryan."

"He doesn't make me pie, all is fair when it comes to a heaven made pie. I'll turn polygamous if I have to."

"You can't have a man and eat your pie."

"Watch me" heh heh

"If it helps I saw a pretty design on his cloak?"

"Well draw it out let's see if it's important."

[salutethepig]

"Call it cheap food; not fast." I'm not a Grauniad food writer...

…and when you read these two articles, you’ll see that I have some way to go before I am. But that’s OK; they speak about — far more adroitly than I — things I’ve said before. So, read their pieces as well as mine. You won’t regret the slight diversion from my own ramblings. And I’m only a slight, little bit jealous of their undoubted expertise as fine, fine wordsmiths.

The first, shorter, piece by Barbara Ellen in today’s Observer, eloquently calls out the use of the term “fast food”, too often used as a synonym for “lazy, feckless poor people, endangering their health and that of their children” food and the subject of moral judgement & derision by the chattering classes. Instead she suggests, that by substituting “cheap” for “fast”, the reality of why this type of food is bought is highlighted. As Barbara says:

“Fast food denotes automatic judgment and stereotyping of the consumers – it becomes their fault for choosing fast over quality. By contrast, cheap food tells a fuller (fairer) story and one that at least acknowledges a harsh economic truth – this type of food (fast, junk, but above all cheap) could be all that broke, harassed people can afford.”

Income inequality does not just affect our food supply chain; our food system is built on such inequality and requires it to function, at least far as it’s currently composed. The many contributing components of this inequality — the overt or covert racism, the lack of access to capital, low wages exploitation, loss of small-holders land, nutritional and health disparities in poor communities and those of ethnic or social minorities, to name some — are tightly bound together. And note that our continued, ongoing obsession with food and chefs has neither expanded and widened access to high-quality food nor significantly improved nutrition in these same low-resource neighbourhoods.

When as locavore food fans, we wonder whether a pork chop tastes better if the pig ate corn or nuts but we don’t ask or talk about the people who worked in the slaughterhouse where it was processed, we are creating a kind of theatre where we encourage others to suspend their disbelief whilst eating. And that’s insane. The “farm-to-table” idea is now the preserve of corporate PR teams and those Instagram/blogger “influencers” that we all despise. And that subversion and subsuming of those original ideals is a deep, deep shame as the tenets of localism, care for the environment, the farmers and workers, from which it all started, was originally totally on point.

“Hipchips” anyone? I’m not picking on them particularly. But as an example of the foodie focus being so completely far away from the sharp-end, away from where it really matters, and was one I saw yesterday in London, it’s being posted as an exemplar of what I’m talking about here. Sorry potato people, I’m sure the food is good but…

And in the second piece, coined by Jay Rayner — one that I think everyone should read — you’ll hear, inter alia, an acerbic, stringent, trenchant rebuttal to that kind of “farm-to-table” mystical thinking espoused by a movement that has now strayed far from any useful measure of judging how well our country is treating the animals, the workers, the land and the farmers, that it was so keen to push forward with.

Read his article; it also talks about a lot more than just this particular strand on food and policy though; in a sane, balanced, well researched manner, one that is the direct antithesis of the hysterical calls to phoney patriotism and out and out lies as vomited forth by the Brexit fire-starters. It’s based on much of the detail in his 2013, “A Greedy Man In A Hungry World”; you should probably order that one and read it as well. Oh, and that he takes massive chunk out of the flabby, pink flesh of the abominable, obnoxious little shit-weasel that is Michael Gove is just one (albeit excellent) added reason to read it in full…

And finally? Finally, how about getting surplus food direct from local stores to charities for free? That’s what the FareShare FoodCloud is already doing and you can take advantage of it in your local area. So, if you are a charity or community group that uses food to support people, you can sign up to FareShare FoodCloud and collect good quality, surplus food from Tesco stores (and shortly Waitrose too) for free. Head to this page straight away to get started…

“It went well and the food was superb, particularly the fruit and vegetables, which we always are desperately in need of.”

And finally, finally for today? I’d commend you to the pages of  a subscription magazine called “The Land”; “an occasional magazine about land rights”. It doesn’t make for easy reading if you believe in the capitalist system; but then if you’ve stayed with me this far, you probably already have your suspicions about the validity of this as a good idea anyway, don’t you?

And to quell any remaining doubts about how good this magazine is? One of the pieces (“Safe European Home“) is named after a Clash song for fucks’ sake. What else do you need to know?

This is a fine use of £24 of anyones money. So, subscribe here…

UPDATE: apparently they’re not currently accepting new subscriptions or renewals, but you can still buy the new issue here.

  “Call it cheap food; not fast.” I’m not a Grauniad food writer… was originally published on Salute The Pig