#Cain knows just enough to do what he needs to for his job beyond that he gets lost

[spookyboywhump]

darknet pet owner forums, baby. (i feel like cain wouldn’t know how to access it though)

When asked why he’s not on the darknet pet owner forums Cain says he’s simply too busy to bother with it but in actuality he just can’t figure that shit out

[thescarletnargacuga]

Here’s a little idea! Any version of showtime you’d like, they try to keep their relationship more of a secret at first (maybe because pomni doesn’t want to be in the spotlight or they don’t want there to be suspected favoritism, etc) and think they’re doing a good job at it, but they’re so obvious about how lovey they are to each other that everyone else caught on a long time ago haha

A/N: ANY version, you say? MANGO, GET IN HERE!!

WORST KEPT SECRET

A TIME CAPSULE AU SHOWTIME ONESHOT

AU credit: @mangotangerinepastry @the-amazing-digital-time-capsule

WARNING: making out, mild angst

~~~

Caine held Pomni close in the dark confines of a janitorial closet. The guests were away for the day and they simply needed a moment to themselves from the prying eyes of the overlording AI and the other cast members. Feeling her heartbeat with his, her lips against his teeth, her hair between his fingers was what was needed, but he also felt the tug of the invisible red strings on his fingers, warning him to keep this quiet.

Pomni wrapped her arms tight around Caine, holding him to her as she kissed his teeth fervently. The world beyond the closet door vanished from her mind. She could just be here in this moment with him. A brief moment of bliss within the eternal servitude to the capsule.

They broke the kiss and embraced in silence, breathing each other in...and the closet of cleaning supplies. Pomni took a deep breath against Caine's neck and sighed. "I wish we could stay here..."

"Me too." Caine rubbed Pomni's back soothingly. "But you know what will happen if we do." His fingers twitched against the tug of the strings.

"I'm grateful for the moments we do get to have, no matter how brief." Pomni gazed into Caine's eyes and caressed the side of his lower jaw. "You're worth suffering this place for."

Caine leaned into her touch and held her hand on his jaw. "I'm really not-"

"Shush. We're not having that conversation again. Not here. You're worth my time. Accept that."

Caine closed his eyes and resigned to Pomni's stubborn insistence. "I don't deserve you."

"I decide who deserves me." Pomni retorted and gave him one more kiss. "I'll give you a minute to get down the hall before I leave."

Caine reluctantly let go of Pomni and peaked out the closet door. Seeing no one, he gave Pomni one last longing look before backing out of the closet.

"Caine? What are you doing here?"

Caine about jumped out of his skin. He spun around and stood as innocently as he could in front of the door. "Oh! Hello, Zooble. Sorry, I didn't see you there. What- uh, brings you here at this time of evening?"

"uh....cleaning? Like every night?" Zooble drolled.

Caine started to sweat. Time must've gotten away from him, because he and Pomni are normally gone long before anyone comes by. "Right! Cleaning. Of course." The door started to crack open behind him and he leaned against it, slamming it shut.

Pomni was knocked back and grabbed a shelf, making a few cans and bottles rattle loudly.

Caine coughed. "Door's a bit loose. Anyway, sorry to be in your way. I was just looking for something I misplaced. But it's HIDE-ing rather well from me."

Pomni heard Caine's enunciation and spun in place, looking for a corner to hide in. She dove into a bin and closed the lid.

Zooble arched a mechanical brow. "O...kay...so, you gonna get out of my way or..?"

Caine swallowed and stepped aside. "Yes, I have business elsewhere. Have a good evening." He put his hands behind his back and walked away as casually as he could, but there was a definite urgency in his pace to get away.

Zooble went into the janitorial closet without another word. They collected cleaning supplies and a mop. One of the cans of cleaning solution was empty and they lifted the corner of the bin lid just enough to toss the can in.

The can bonked Pomni in the head and she let out an involuntary "ow".

Zooble froze, knowing damn well what they just heard. They quietly check the radar in their abdomen. There was a blip next to theirs on screen. Pomni's blip. Zooble finished what they were doing and left the closet.

Pomni waited for several minutes before finally peeking out from the bin. She slowly and carefully made her way out the door and down the hall, covered in drips of cleaning solution.

Zooble chuckled to themselves as they watched Pomni's blip scurry away.

~different day~

Kinger poured a drink for himself and Caine. They occasionally got together for a chat, being close friends as they were in the Capsule's longest running cast members. For now.

Kinger stood behind his bar and leaned on it casually. Caine sat on a bar stool, nursing the old fashioned poured for him. "Thank you, Kinger. I've needed this."

Kinger shrugged, sipping his own drink. "The ringmaster's drinks are on the house. Enjoy." As he put his drink back down, something caught his eye. An out of place spot on Caine's collar. The ringmaster was typically immaculate with his appearance, as expected of him. It was a faded blotch of pink.

Kinger pointed to the spot. "Hey, uh, you got something on your shirt there."

"Hm?" Caine struggled to see something right under his jaw. "What is it?"

"Makeup."

Caine's blood went cold. "Oh, that...I must've gotten some on my hands and rubbed it off by mistake. Stage makeup gets everywhere during prep."

"You don't wear makeup." Kinger gave Caine a look. "Whose is it?" He'd smirk if he had a mouth.

"No one's." Caine said curtly. "For your information, I do handle makeup. It's an art form." While he personally agreed that makeup is an art, he was bluffing about doing it for the performers.

"So Pomni or Gangle." Kinger deduced. "Gangle prefers to do her own."

Caine gripped his glass a little tighter. "How are you so sure?"

"You'd be surprised what people tell the bartender." Kinger stood upright and downed his drink so he could continue cleaning and prepping for the next day. "I'm good with secrets, Caine."

Caine didn't respond. He only eyed a panel behind the bar that hid a stash of strong liquor reserved for him.

~different day~

Gangle and Pomni were getting ready for bed in their shared dressing room. Before putting her day's performance clothes in the laundry, Pomni took a long sniff of her coat. Sometimes, after her rendezvous with Caine, she could still smell his cologne.

Gangle saw Pomni so that while she was washing her face at her vanity. "Why do you keep doing that?"

Pomni quickly dropped the jester into the laundry and started anxiously brushing out her hair. "No real reason. Just uh, checking for any bad smells. Don't want to stink up the room." She forces a laugh.

Gangle narrowed her eyes in the mirror. "You must really enjoy bad smells. You had such an... interesting look on your face."

"It's nothing, really!" Pomni brushed faster. "Sorry, for being weird. It's just something I do." She really thought she was being subtle about it.

Gangle dropped it for now. She waited until after lights out and she heard Pomni breathing low and deep to get back up and sneak to the laundry basket. She lifted out Pomni's coat and sniffed the collar. She almost gasped out loud.

She dropped the coat and went back to bed with a mischievous smile on her face.

~different day~

Jax groaned as the joystick control over him released for the day. "Ugh, my aching back." He stretched. "Stupid kids and their stupid motor skills. They jerked me around like a ragdoll." He spotted Ragatha locking up the day care center for the night. He grinned. "Speaking of..."

Ragatha turned and bumped right into Jax. "Pardon- oh, hello Jax." She gave him a polite smile.

Jax wrapped an arm over Ragatha's shoulders and walked with her. "What's up, dollface. You throw any nasty kids out the window today?"

Ragatha gasped. "Absolutely not! I would never!" She looked around, hoping no guests were still around the circus to overhear.

Jax chuckled, speaking louder. "Of course you would! Anyone dealing with those snot-nosed brats would in a heartbeat!"

"Jax!" Ragatha stopped and was about to start lecturing him when a door opening at the end of the hallway got her attention. It was Pomni, straightening her jester coat and then walking away down another hallway that T-ed at the far end.

Once alone again to start her rant, Ragatha took a breath only to be interrupted again by the same door opening. Caine came out with an unusually bright smile on his face, and he went the other way at the T junction.

Jax smiled broader than he had in ages. "Holy [%$!$]." He didn't care if BUBLE got on to him about it later. This was a moment worth swearing for.

"Now, Jax, don't. We don't know what's in that room."

"Pretty sure that's an empty party room." Jax's smile was as strong as ever. "I gotta hand it to the old timer, scoring Pomni couldn't have been easy."

"Old- WE DON'T AGE!" Ragatha blustered. "And we don't know what we just saw. It doesn't mean anything."

"Denial isn't just a river in Egypt, dollface. This is too good." Jax rubbed his hands together.

Ragatha frowned. "Don't be mean. We're all just looking for a bit of happiness. Let them have theirs."

~different day~

Gangle and Ragatha met up after work. "I know something!" They said at the same time.

"You do? What do you know?" Ragatha asked.

"Wait, you know something?" Gangle asked back.

"Yeah, but is it the thing that you know?"

"I don't know? It might be."

"Jester Dentures?"

"Jeater Dentures!!" The girls squealed and giggled with each other.

Pomni started to notice the others looking at her differently, like they wanted to say something but would turn away or have something sudden to do if she even looked at them.

Anytime Pomni spoke to Caine in front of the others, they got weird. The stares got more intense, yet they backed off like she needed space to give her performance report to the ringmaster.

Caine noticed too. Not just from the odd behavior but Kinger and Jax both getting on his case about Pomni and how he wasn't being as subtle as he thought. It made cast meetings awkward. He could actually feel his face heat up if the others watched Pomni smile at him in meetings.

~different day~

Caine FINALLY got Pomni truly alone again after asking her to meet him in the piano room backstage in the middle of the night. He could play one key at a time without the strings trying to break his fingers, so that's what he did as he waited.

Pomni sat next to Caine on the bench seat and touched her shoulder to his. "Everyone knows."

"Yep." Caine dinged a C note.

"I thought we were careful."

"Apparently not careful enough."

Pomni watched him slowly play moonlight sonata one note at a time. "Does this mean you don't want to see me anymore?"

Caine stopped. "No. It means we need to be even more careful. Our behavior has disrupted the cast. Not so much as to affect their jobs, but BUBLE has taken notice and...given me a warning." He flexed his sore hand.

Pomni put her hand over his on the piano keys. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be. You're worth whatever that thing puts me through."

"Now it's my turn to say I'm not worth that." Pomni cringed thinking of what BUBLE would do if things escalated.

"I've done a lot of stupid things in my time, Pomni. Seen a lot of places. Met a lot of people. I think I have a pretty good grasp on what holds value in this world." Caine turned his head to look at her.

Pomni met his gaze expectantly.

Caine continued. "To exist is to suffer. To find meaning in the suffering is to live. You are a part of that meaning to me. I've found so much more than camaraderie or friendship in you. I found..." The word caught in his throat. The red string around his neck tightening.

"You don't have to say it." Pomni leaned in. "I found it too. In you."

Caine leaned his top jaw to her forehead and closed his eyes. Pomni interlaced her fingers with his on the piano and closed her eyes too.

[scrapyardboyfriends]

I'm not even sure why they brought Aaron back tbh

They said they wanted a villian, but that lasted all of 5 seconds, don't know if they planned beyond that.

I like him, but if you've got no plans for him, he may as well still be in France/Italy (wasn't marco italian?)

It does feel like they wanted to bring Aaron back and then get Ryan, it really all felt like it should be leading to that but they couldn't actually get Ryan back in the end.

With regards to bringing Aaron back. Without Robert or without something to pull Aaron back from his angry state, that story really did fall flat and then they just decided enough was enough and fixed it with the Chas having cancer story, which felt super lazy.

And then without having Robert back to follow up, it really feels like they didn't have any other plan for Aaron, which is why they're doing this now I guess.

Once again, if they actually cared about their characters, cared about Aaron as a fictional person, there are things to do with him without having Robert there, even if it would be easier. They still haven't bothered to really flesh out Aaron's life in the village again from what I've seen.

If I were in charge, I would actually give him friends again. I'd let him and Vic be legitimate friends again. I might have him and Billy finally properly bury the hatchet and be friends since Danny and Jai are friends in real life anyway. That way you could give Aaron screen time outside of Chas and Vinny. Let him support Billy through this Evan story for example.

I mean if we're talking supporting character, Aaron being involved in Matty's prison story would also make sense considering he's also dealt with being a queer man in prison, albeit a bit differently. Plus that's his best mate's little brother.

Then once his friends situation is sorted out, I would have him buy into the garage and return to actually using it for plot purposes. Get Aaron back in the overalls, let him interact with other villagers that way. Let him work on his relationship with Cain etc.

And then I would deal with the kids scenario. That's the one easy happy story you could do for Aaron. Now, they're not going to be able to realistically do the surrogacy story now that they gave him the faulty gene thing. So the easiest story to do would still be Seb. There's no reason they can't bring Seb back to the village, let him stay with Vic until Aaron reconnects with him and then let Aaron become his legal guardian after permission from off screen Robert in prison and Rebecca who doesn't even have to die. All they have to do is have her break up with Ross off screen and have her get overwhelmed on her own and need help. Seb can still have a relationship with her off screen. And Seb allows them to deal with the Robert of it all without having to have Robert there and always keeps that tie.

And then once he's got friends, a more on screen job and a kid, then you can try a romantic relationship, but I'd make it a friends to lovers slow burn thing so it's really as far away from the Robert of it all as possible. You know...not a Robert clone. Haha.

It's just...it's not that hard to make him a functional character if they actually cared at all. It's just that they...don't, which is sad.

[hamletthedane]

I’m a big Hamlet fan and I am curious as to what your favorite movie/for screen rendition is? I’ve been working my way through a lot of them, gone through about 7, so far Hamlet at Elsinore with Christopher Plummer is my favorite. I was just curious what yours is !

What a great question!!

Hamlet at Elsinore is definitely my favorite filmed version of the play. I feel that Christopher Plummer does a fantastic - and frankly critically underappreciated - job of portraying the more nuanced and complicated aspects of Hamlet's character while still giving a straightforward performance that's highly accessible to any audience. Notably, he doesn't treat the performance as his ~*~epic, defining role of a lifetime~*~ or ~high artistic theater~ (*cough* Branagh and Jacobi), but instead focuses on telling a deeply compelling, very moving story about the complex nature of grief and revenge. I also like that this version embraces the more "postmodern" elements that exist in the written text of Hamlet: the complicity of the audience, the inevitability of the outcome, Hamlet's genre-awareness and genre-defiance, etc.

[Not to keep hating on Branagh, but in contrast: Branagh's Hamlet in particular seems to go out of its way to avoid including the more interesting proto-postmodern thematic elements of the play - at times not seeming to recognize that they're even there. He instead focuses his time and energy on inserting new cinematography-based visual themes that go nowhere and at times stand in OPPOSITION to the actual tone and themes of the original text. Because apparently Hamlet the play is too boring and instead of lame elements like "themes" and "compelling characterization," we need a swinging chandelier sword fight scenes and Freudian weirdness. Truly the Joel Schumacher Phantom of the Opera adaptation of Shakespeare films. But I DIGRESS-)

Plus it doesn't hurt that everybody aside from Plummer in Hamlet at Elsinore is also fabulous. Obviously, Michael Caine's Horatio is the single best and most definitive version of the character in film, but I also love Robert Shaw's Claudius and Muller's Ophelia.

If we're talking favorite filmed versions of the STORY of Hamlet though, that's Asta Nielsen's silent film from 1921. It's so beautifully filmed and wonderfully told. She's what I picture when I picture Hamlet.

Other than that....I like Tennant and Stewarts' RSC filmed version well enough. It has a number of very strange choices and I don't love the re-ordering of the scenes, but Tennant does a great job with the character and I think it's a very approachable performance. A few other filmed stage versions are also excellent, though with a few similarly weird elements - I'd put Maxine Peake's version on the same tier as the RSC version. I do NOT like Branagh's version at all (if you couldn't already tell...). Jacobi's and Gibson's are slightly better, but they're still too focused on the prestige of the performance rather than the actual story being told imo. I think they fall under the same criticism as Holden Caulfield's scathing review of Laurence Olivier: "more like a general than a sad, screwed-up type guy." (Yes I know this line is an in-text authorial critique of Holden himself but also: he's right and he should say it.)

If you haven't already, I do highly recommend listening to the BBC Radio 4 audiodrama version of Hamlet, starring Jamie Parker. Despite being a audio version of a stage play, it somehow blows every filmed version of Hamlet (except maybe HAE) out of the water. I listen to it at least once a year.

Finally, my actual favorite versions of Hamlet have ALWAYS been those I've seen live (or seen bootleg filmed stage performances of lmao). If it's ever playing live near you, definitely go and see it. The play was meant to be seen on a live stage in front of you, and many of the jokes and themes only make sense in that context. In my opinion, the medium of live theater elevates the play so far beyond what a movie could ever achieve.

...sorry this answer is so long 😅 Really, it doesn't matter what my opinions on Hamlet films are. If any version of the play really speaks to you - even if it's the accursed Branagh version - that is so awesome and makes me really happy people are engaging with the play in that way! (But since you're saying that HAE is your favorite so far, I will add that you have excellent, discerning taste ;))

[aziraphales-library]

hello hello, if that possible, i'm looking for some fic where they are found in every era like the show (yeah that dumb but really needed) Thanks you

Hi. You'll want to check out our #through the ages tag for absolutely LOADS of fics like this. Here are some more to add to the enormous collection...

Have You Met My Lover by Asking_for_a_Fiend (M)

In the course of their long lives, Aziraphale and Crowley have found themselves in all sorts of uncomfortable situations.

And pretending that they are a couple was a solution to exactly five of them.

This is the story of those five occasions.

there are going to be a lot of hugs in this one by IneffableDoll (T)

Over 6000 years of human history, Aziraphale and Crowley hug. A lot. That's it. *** 20 days of hugs for an impromptu fluffy time challenge on the Ace Omens Discord server. Expect hurt/comfort, occasional touches of angst, humor, and enough fluff to keep me in Soft Jail for a long time. FLUFF, y'all.

He's Not My Friend by CopperBeech (T)

He didn’t need a meal with the angel, or oysters. But it was a novelty, and Crowley loved novelty. Even in Heaven no one had liked him. It was a meaningless concept Upstairs. Since becoming corporeal he’d found there were things he liked – wine, sun, warmth – but they were things, indifferent to his existence.

The angel was like wine and sun and warmth that liked him back. That guileless smile. That flush on the smile-plumped cheeks.

The angel was an idiot. But it would pass the time.

A poem, or a suite of music with recurring motifs, or a meditation on holding hands.

Holy Water by IOMT666 (T)

Aziraphale and Crowley's relationship through the ages. Our boys aren't just bad at figuring out what they're feeling. They are BEYOND bad at communicating with one another. Fair amount of angst. Happy ending.

The Other Testament by CassandraLie (T)

There was another book, its tales so contradictory to their traditional tellings, that it couldn’t even be counted among the books known as the Infamous Bibles. In fact, this book could hardly be considered a bible at all.

No, it was more like a love story.

Four thousand years of a six thousand year slow burn between an angel and a demon with mutual 'friends' (assignments), like Adam and Eve, Cain and Abel, and even Jesus of Nazareth (before he got famous and took his stage name).

All the jobs Aziraphale and Crowley (Crawley, for most of the four millennia) managed to bungle, or just skip out on altogether. And all the reasons they were omitted from the Good Book (though not the better book, Good Omens).

As the note delivered to Death by the International Express Man read, Come and See...

Do You Know What Eternity Is? by Elderly_Worm (T)

Aziraphale frowned. "What you’re saying, then, is that discorporating you would cause more temptations in the end?” “That’s exactly what I’m saying. Not to mention, they’d be better quality, more efficient temptations. And possibly more violent. A lot of Demons really enjoy that sort of thing.” “And you don’t?” asked Aziraphale, softly. “Oh.” Crawly blinked. “Erm. No, I mean, I really like violence. Big violence-er, me. Always calling for more violence in Hell. I like a good flaying, y’know. All that. Screaming. Er.” “Indeed,” said the Angel. Bless it.

-

This story follows Aziraphale and Crowley's experiences from Eden to the failed Apocalypse, with one scene per decade, every decade, for the entire 6,000 years. I drew predominantly from show canon, with elements of book canon, as well as Biblical and historical inspiration.

- Mod D

[gamesception]

Sception Reads Cass Cain #37

Batgirl (2000) #17 - August 2001 Writer: Kelley Puckett Pencils: Damion Scott inks: Robert Campanella Colors: Jason Wright

Cass's book as been pretty downbeat for the last few issues. The tone of Cass's book overall is pretty sad and heavy, and normally I'm all about that angst, but the book can't live on angst alone, so have to have some brighter moments for contrast, you've gotta take the pressure off every once in a while if you want to keep building it or you just burn out the scale. So this issue brings us a refreshing change of pace, if only to give Cass and the reader a bit of a breather.

Sorry if this one goes up late. I'm running behind time wise, but I don't want to take a minimal approach to this issue, it's pretty important and has a lot of great moments. Do pease read it for yourself first, though.

The issue starts with this pretty cool sequence showing Cass's perspective as she gets distracted by the woman running away and lets this random goon land a punch on her. I like how the slideshow effect of the three repeated panels really emphasizes how much time Cass had to dodge this punch.

Followed by this great 'like father like daughter moment after she knocks the guy out where Cass and Bruce both have the same surprised and befuddled "Hmm" reaction to what just happened, with the same expression on their face and everything.

The perfectly synchronized training afterwords is also great, as is Bruce's worried expression. I can't keep copying every page over, we'll be here all day, but this issue really is great. One of my favorites. Again, go read it for yourself if you haven't.

Anyway, on the one hand this is such an indictment of Bruce. We the audience know that 'somethings been wrong' with Cass for a while, basically the entire time. She's consumed by guilt to a near suicidal degree and the loneliness and isolation of her lifestyle - even before she was forced out of Bab's clock tower but especially since - has left her without any companionship beyond her own self destructive thoughts, and the mission she's so dedicated to as her only hope of redemption continuously exposes her to the worst of humanity. So yeah, that Bruce didn't already know something was wrong, that he didn't anticipate how his decisions were making things worse, that he only notices that anything's off at all once Cass's mental state is bad enough that it's affecting her performance on the job? Yeah, that's pretty bad, if also so completely him.

On the other hand, you can see the concern all over his face. He should have seen this coming, he should have noticed it sooner, but now that he has he is very genuinely worried on her behalf, and that does count for something, even if he'll need help figuring out what's wrong or what to do about it.

And that help just so happens to call in the form of Barbara Gordon, who can hack in to delete the government's digital records on Cass's face, but needs her to sneak in and destroy the physical records.

At first Cass and Bruce don't feel like this is worth bothering with, as neither sees any value in her potential future civilian persona worth taking this risk to get it back, but Babs points out how they might yet connect the data they have to Batgirl and that convinces Bruce, which in turn convinces Cassandra because she absolutely does not think for herself these days.

I love this Jab Babs gets in at Bruce as Cass leaves, though I do wish it was made a bit more explicit that the *reason* Bruce has been keeping Cass on such a 'short leash' is that he doesn't fully trust her ever since David sent the video of her killing that man way back in issue number 4. On the surface Bruce is still deep in denial over it, but some part of it has to know, has to doubt at least. As is I'm pretty sure that's intentional subtext but because it's not explicit in the text I could just be reading in something that isn't really there.

In infiltration mission is pretty cool, starting with this sequence where Cass steals a key card off of a guard's bead chain, copies it, and puts it back without him noticing, which has Barbara admitting that the 'short leash' is starting to make sense. Just what exactly would Cass be capable of if she were allowed to run free?

....

The mission is successful, the files and physical evidence destroyed, and Cass's out-of-costume persona is free and clear. She can visit Barbara again, can see the sun again. Can. But will she?

Babs clearly doesn't think she will, at least not on her own, and so she goes to Bruce about it

It's a nice scene. I've missed Bab's presence in Cass's book the last few issues. This 'arguing over what's best for Cass' bit is fun, and also important characterization. I love how Bruce's expression as he says "Mole creature?" makes clear that he recognizes Bab's comment as a criticism of him and his lifestyle.

Of course, Bruce has a different idea of what's been bothering Cass. Not the isolation, not how /he's/ been treating her, but the mission. Everything's the mission for Bruce, and Cass is just like Bruce after all. The thing is, as right as Barbara clearly is here, Bruce probably isn't wrong either. Cass, like Bruce, dwells on her 'failures'. But taking down the villain responsible never actually makes Bruce feel any better.

Barbara still presses him to just order Cass to get some sun. The fact that she shouldn't need Bruce to tell her to do that, that this level of devotion and lack of independent motivation is a bad thing in and of it self, is too big of a problem to tackle today.

And to his credit Bruce relents!

I love these panels. You can feel how overwhelming the light is after so long in the darkness. Also good work from the colorist, showing this transition by going from all dark and cool colors that dominate her book to these warm (but washed out and too bright as her eyes struggle to adjust) colors. I mean, it's a fairly obvious trick, like being wowed when a musician changes chords, but it just works so well here.

And it's not just the sun, it's the people. Not just cass literally going from darkness to light but also going from being surrounded by victims and criminals, by the suffering and the cruel, and emerging into a wider world full of all the breadth and diversity of the human experience, loud happy annoyed worried people walking and running and shouting and living their lives that Scott does such a great job conveying with just a single page full of different and interesting faces.

And afterwards she's so happy, having picked up a rose from, somewhere, we don't see that bit. But of course Bruce needs to interrupt this moment of happiness.

So Cass does go to confront gov't man.

but clearly she doesn't actually feel better about what happened afterwords.

Her symbolism happiness rose, only so recently acquired, is already wilting. It's clearly not the sort of thing she can go to Bruce about. So, for once, now that she can, Cass actually reaches out to Barbara for help. About the rose. About what it means that getting justice for repentant sniper man's death didn't make her feel any better about it.

It's a great little scene to end out the comic. Symbolism's a bit on the nose, but it works. it's sincere.

The angst and darkness of the last few issues has been a lot, but it makes this bit of brightness feel all the more impactful. The underlying issues aren't resolved, it's still a problem that Cass has basically slotted Bruce into exactly the same unhealthy role that David used to occupy in her life. It's still a problem that Bruce let her do that. A real confrontation when Bruce can no longer deny the fact that she killed someone is still looming, as is her death match with Lady Shiva. But she's not quite so isolated now, and she's re-established a connection with someone who might actually be able to help her work through some of this stuff.

This might be the issue that best demonstrates the importance of Barbara Gordon in Cass's story, the key role she plays balancing out Bruce's influence. these interpersonal relationships and how they feed off each other - Cass/Bruce/David, Cass/Bruce/Barbara, they're the core of what makes Cass's book and Cass as a character so compelling.

......

Side note: I've waffled in the past over how much crediting to put at the start of each of these posts in terms whether to include inker and/or colorist even though I rarely comment on those issues. I'm wondering if I should also list the editor each time, as they also potentially have a pretty big say over what does or doesn't end up in the books, and keeping track of changing editors might be informative as to other changes in direction, or might show why some of Cass's side appearances work better than others?

For the Record, at least as far as her solo book goes, the editor as of issue 17 is Michael Wright, who took over from Dennis O'Neil starting in issue 14, the one where Bruce moved Cass out of Barbara's clock tower and into her own cave. Dennis O'Neil had been the editor of the book since issue 3 and co-edited issue 2 with Darren Vincenzo, who was the editor for issue 1. I think Michael Wright stays as editor for the rest of Cass's Batgirl run, save maybe for some one off exceptions here or there? So noting editors would be more for the sake of guest appearances.

There's also the issue of who's in charge at DC. As of issue 17 that's still Jenette Khan as President and Editor in Chief, but eventually Dan DiDio takes over, and it'll be worth noting when that happens. The fandom tends to assign him a lot of the blame for 'ruining' Cass's character, but as mentioned a few times already they also tend to date that downturn purely to the end of her ongoing title and heel turn in 'One Year Later.' I claim the decline started setting in much sooner then that, but I don't remember whether it started before or after DiDio's tenure as EIC began.

That's still a long way off from where this blog currently is, though.

Thankfully.

[casmick-consequences]

Cas&Dean VS Claire&Jack

So I wrote [a small little theory] a while ago as to why I think Claire and Jack wouldn’t have been shown on screen together/have any connection throughout the show on-screen/off-screen at all. And so here I will some points as to why I think that is. 

AKA here’s the long awaited essay/conspiracy theory y’all have been asking for.

First of all; let me start off by saying this is 100% meant as a joke (no it’s not) and it’s not to be taken seriously (yes it is) as it’s literally just a dumb theory (it definitely isn’t). And second; fuck the C*W for contributing to every little bit of tinhatting this fandom (especially us hellers) has succumbed to.

-

Now; for this theory we have to understand a few things:

How Dean and Cas work as individuals

How Claire and Jack work as individuals

How Dean and Cas work as a duo

Let’s start with the first two things.

How Dean and Cas work as individuals

Dean Winchester is a masculine, tough but loving hunter. He cultivates a “bad-boy personality”, and makes sarcastic jokes at even the most morbid times. Underneath, though, he's become hardened by life as a warrior (as Daddy’s blunt instrument, if you will). He’s been taught to fight his father’s battles, and protect the ones he loves and cares for. But soon began to see that neither of his parents (especially his dad) did the job they were given when they had children. He didn’t just have to be a brother; he had to be a father and mother. He’s had to grow walls around him to stay strong for his little brother, but over time, after making a family for himself, it became easier to tear those walls down. However, he has his weak spots and is an emotional and loving human being through and through.

Castiel, the Angel of Thursday, is an angel of the Lord. He’s lived for aeons, and as an angel has (just like Dean) been taught to fight the battles of his creator and father. He’s a warrior, and he’s been given the job to follow the orders of said creator. Only for those orders to be thrown out the window once he meets Dean Winchester. The man who showed him that hate and anger isn’t always the true answer and that you can choose to be good. Everything that he has been taught slowly breaks away as his hard exterior crumbles, and he develops into a being with emotions, as he slowly but eventually learns to love and care for this man, and with that; humanity.

How Claire and Jack work as individuals

Claire Novak, a woman who has lead a tragic life, where she lost both her parents early on. Her father said yes to be the (permanent) vessel of an Angel, and her mother just disappeared after dropping her off to her Grandmother. After the grandmother had passed away, she was left alone. She had to fight through the world on her own, as she put a wall around herself to make herself stronger for the people around her. It took a while before she found her place in a loving family filled with strong women, who didn’t just help bring her walls down, but build a home instead.

Jack Kline is an innocent, naive but loving Nephilim. The son of the human Kelly Kline and the archangel Lucifer. He was destined for evil, as a Nephilim is one of the most powerful creatures in existence. But, with the help of his three Godfathers (heh), he learns that he doesn’t have to be evil. He can be whatever he wants to be. Controlling his powers has been hard, but no matter what happened, his mindset never changed as he grew to love the people and love the things around him. His biological father saw his power, but his chosen father saw his kind soul. Castiel believed he could create paradise, and he did, as he became the God that the universe deserved.

There are alot of parallels between Dean/Claire and Jack/Cas that can be compared to here. Let me show you a few:

So we’ve established that with Claire being Dean-coded, and Jack being Cas-coded, there could’ve definitely been potential for a cute Claire/Jack dynamic in the show. Why wouldn’t they have done that, you think? Perhaps this question can be answered when we look at thing number 3:

How Dean and Cas work as a duo

Destiel is the relationship between the hunter Dean and the angel Castiel. Castiel was ordered by God to free him from Hell, and afterwards he was supposed to do as he was told while Dean was supposed to figure out how to “stop the apocalypse” which happened to be a bunch of garbo afterwards knowing what we know now. Nonetheless, Castiel didn’t listen, as he quickly grew fond of the hunter and, because of him, developed a sense of emotion and free will. This lead to Castiel helping Dean throughout the Apocalypse, and beyond, and they’ve been best friends ever since.

There have been MULTIPLE essays on Tumblr about how this relationship works, and it would be silly of me to try and summarize stuff that hasn’t been said a million times already. But basically; What they have is quite a bit more than best friendship. It has been confirmed in 15x18, Despair, that Castiel has been in love with Dean for quite some time, as Dean’s own feelings are kind of all over the place. Nothing has been confirmed, yet nothing has been denied. But, seeing as all the insane things Dean has done for/because of/regarding Castiel... for instance:

defended his behavior to his brother and father when neither trusted him in season 6

kept his trenchcoat when he “died” in season 7, and keeping it with him in the trunk of his car(s) for the entirety of Castiel’s absence.

absolutely despises angels, and hates praying, yet he only ever prays to Castiel when he needs anything because he’s the only one he trusts

couldn’t get his mind of of him when he was possessed by Lucifer, and later taken by Amara in season 11

Has Castiel being referred to as his Colette by Cain (subtext but not really subtext because it was so incredibly obvious)

was supposed to be completely enamored by Amara and was supposed to be so hypnotizingly attracted to her that he couldn’t focus on anything else, yet he called out for Castiel’s name when it came down to it (aka the equivalent of calling out someone else’s name during sex) 

keeps looking at him like that

acted like a grieving widow when Castiel died in season 13

gets down on his knees to pray to, cry for and apologize to Castiel in Purgatory when there’s millions of creatures hunting his ass

...it’s easy to say that this is more than just a “brotherly friendship” between the two. There is dialogue that would NOT have worked between Sam/Cas because it would’ve felt weird. I wonder why.

So now to get back on topic; why is it that we’ve never seen Claire and Jack on screen together?

Is it because the writers didn’t have time to put them together in any given scenario whatsoever? Is it because the writers didn’t care enough for Claire to give her some more airtime with the boys? 

Or is it perhaps that if there was a possibility that they’d be on screen together, that they’d have a very similar (if not the same) connection to one another as Dean and Cas, only written as an actual little brother/big sister friendship dynamic?

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So yes, TL;DR: the actual reason that Claire and Jack never met is because they would’ve had the exact same dynamic as Dean and Cas, but in this case platonic. Which would’ve meant that the audience would’ve seen a clear difference between the Dean/Cas dynamic and Claire/Jack dynamic, and it would’ve shown that the way they’ve been writing and directing the Dean/Cas scenes is romantic.

thank you very much, and I bid thee a very good night. <3

[eorzean-tale]

Unsung Prompts - July 2022 - Left Behind

He didn’t so much lower his hand from his ear as letting it fall down, the force of it yanking on his shoulder when it dropped. L’rkah had been having a good day until now, happily working on the myriad of chores and jobs that needed doing around the tribe. With L’sahali having agreed to ease off her insistence of him challenging the Nunh, at least for now, a great weight had been lifted from his spirit. It was still hard work, and the both of them shouldered more than most, but at least that was no longer a point of contention between them. Instead of a constant source of dread, it was just a small ember of guilt left in his gut. Time was running out, if it hadn’t already, but he was doing what he could. Life was more good than bad, and that was worth something.

But a single link pearl call had placed the weight of the world right back on him again, making him feel like he couldn’t get enough air no matter how deeply he breathed. Cain and the Unsung, they were getting into what he considered stupidly risky territory with this mission and there was frustratingly little he could do about it. Was there?

Perhaps he should just tell his old Flame Captain, Blazing Horizon, not to heed the Hyur’s request. But then they might still go, and be less prepared for it. Should he travel to Ul’dah then, and try to talk sense into them face-to-face? He didn’t know As’kari well enough, but Cain might listen to him, had to listen to him. 

But he was far from any aetheryte, and by the time he got there they’d be long gone already. Worst of all, the more he thought about it, the less he thought the man would actually heed him. He had fears and anxieties Rkah didn’t fully understand, and some might think him easily bullied into submission at first glance, but the Golden Viper Tia knew better than that. Cain had an inner strength and stubbornness that rivaled Sahali’s. Sure, he might stammer through the conversation, pull his hair in that self-soothing manner, but he wouldn’t actually budge. The more Rkah went through the conversation in his head, the more convinced he became of that and the more he missed them. Cain, Red, Opal, Charlette, even strange Orm and lecturing Momun and all the others. Did they all still walk Unsung?

He sighed as he went through his pearl-pouch, letting them run through his fingers one by one. Each represented a link to someone important to him, but right now his golden eyes kept finding the one that would connect him to the Unsung. Going to Garlemald was beyond stupid, he inwardly growled, but his issue with it ran so much deeper than that.

He hadn’t been included. Hadn’t even been asked. It made sense, of course. They all knew his tribe needed him now. But this was the first time he truly felt the loss of it. The Unsung would go on without him, and soon he’d be just another former member of the group. Welcomed when he showed his face, sure, but no longer an important part of it. They had been as a tribe to him, as much as his Flame squadron had been, but now he was no longer part of either. They would wander without him. 

If they would even come back from this. His feelings aside, it truly was the most dangerous thing they had ever undertaken. “Cain,” he growled to the pearl, even though he hadn’t actually activated it. “You better come back from this so I can shout at you for being a dumbass. And maybe angrily kiss to make up for it,” he added after a short moment, the thought of the blush coming to the Hyur’s face if he ever did suggest that to his face making him feel both better and worse. He looked at the pearl again, then closed his fist around it and brought it to his lips.  “L’akshmi guide you and keep you,” he prayed softly, before storing the pearls again, feeling lonelier than he had in many turns. 

[rachelbethhines]

Tangled Salt Marathon - Day of the Animals

While perhaps not my favorite episode this season, Day of the Animals is easily the best written story of season three. Even so, it still has problems due to the third season’s poor approach to characterization. 

Summary: Rapunzel, Varian, Angry and Red are returning stolen loot that the two girls had stolen years ago. They are accompanied by Max, Pascal, Ruddiger and Hamuel who all cannot stop quarreling with each other (or in Hamuel's case, just being useless). While messing with a sea shell pendant, it magically transports the humans into it, leaving the animals to fight over it. A minor thug named Dwayne, steals the pendant forcing the animals to work together to retrieve it. 

So Why is a Polynesian Inspired Kingdom Within Riding Distance of a Northern European Country? 

If you’ll remember my review of Beginnings, Neserdina’s princesses were wearing Polynesian garb and dancing the Hula when prepping for the competition. Now I’ve already went into length as to why that’s not good representation, but in addition to that it’s also just plain dumb. You can’t just transport one ethic group and dump them into another part of the world because it’s convenient for you. You don’t earn any brownie points for doing that. Especially when your fantasy world is still based off of our own historical earth. 

To make things even more confusing, we actually saw Neserdina way back in season one in Way of the Willow. It’s where Willow bought the gremlin knock-off. 

That is an island. How the heck do you get to a volcanic island riding in a horse and cart? And don't tell me they’re riding to a port, because Corona is a port city already. They could have gotten there by boat. It’s also can’t be too far away from Corona’s borders if Angry and Red were able to get there on foot during their year long travels. 

The only explanation is that the entirety of the Tangled crew doesn’t understand geography, and this won’t be the last example in the show to back up that statement. 

So Why Is Rapunzel Here?

We get explanations for why everyone is on this road trip, except for the main character herself. Red and Angry are trying to return some stolen loot. Varian is wanting to pick up rare alchemy supplies at the market and was invited along because Raps hopes it’ll be a chance for Ruddiger and Max to get know one another better. 

But why on earth does Rapunzel feel the need to come on this trip herself? Doesn’t she have a kingdom to run? While I’m sure Eugene is more than capable of handling things, this doesn’t reflect well upon the writers supposed plan of making Rapunzel appear more responsible. 

Literally any other adult could have come along on this trip. This wasn’t something Rapunzel needed to waste time on. Lance especially would have been more appropriate here as he’s the one who’s suppose to eventually adopt Angry and Red.  And the sad thing is, all they had to do was give Rapunzel a line about needing to attend some sort of diplomatic business in Neserdina. That’s it. 

In a show that’s supposed to be all about Rapunzel; Rapunzel sure doesn’t have a whole lot of reasons to exist in the majority of the episodes. 

Lack of Worldbuilding Strikes Again

At this point I’m kind of numb to the whole “magical thing just exists for no adequately explained reason” and so I’m not as upset as some people are about the shell necklace. But it’s still not good writing. 

Why does this thing exist? How did come to be cursed? How did it get mixed in with their stuff? What activated the magic and why did it only effect the human’s even though the animals were closer to it? 

Just something show. Anything. You bothered to give use rules for how this thing works and even stuck to them this time, but you can’t just make the last leg of the trip and give us some exposition? 

Yeah, okay. 

So Where Exactly Are We in Relation to Corona?

We can see Pittsford and Ivangarr on the road sign and we have to be in riding distance to Neserdina from Corona, but like are we in Corona still? Are we in Koto, which is Corona’s nearest neighbor to the east according to season three. Are we in some no-man’s-land where none of the kingdoms have control, or are we already in Neserdina itself? 

The series gives us no sense of direction nor any firm placement for Corona within it’s world. I only know it is a Northern European country because Corona itself is a peninsula with a north sea, uses French, English, and German fashion/customs, and Rapunzel is a Germanic fairy tale. But like those clues are thrown into a blender and contradicted several times over, on top of never being told where it’s closest kingdoms actually lie. 

All of this matters when traveling and exploring the wider world are big themes of your show. You need more solid and consistent world building than this. It also impacts how much authority and control your main character has within the episode itself if she range of political power is limited to one area. So like we need to know where the heroes stand here. 

(FYI I personally headcannon Corona as former Prussia which was once part of Germany and it’s alliance of smaller kingdoms. It’s also a peninsula next to the Curonian Spit) 

This Is Not Progress

Okay so the idea here, is that the show is implying that Rapunzel is trying to improve Corona’s justice system over Frederic’s previously inhumane crack down on crime. However, this is terribly executed. 

For starters the show has never called Frederic nor Rapunzel out for their previous misbehavior. You can not change any system for the better without acknowledging the flaws within said system first. Therefore this comes right out of nowhere and doesn’t stick around long enough to stay within the viewers minds for later. 

Secondly, Rapunzel is incredibly fickle about who she does and doesn’t set free. The Saporians were still in the dungeons last time we saw them, Caine was shipped off to the prison island and left to die there as far as we know, and the Stabbingtons are shown shackled together in the wedding short even though they supposedly changed their ways and befriended Eugene again. 

Meanwhile Dwayne and Stalyan are free to go their marry way and continue their life of crime, Varian is only released from his overly harsh punishment because he kissed Rapunzel’s ass not because it was wrong to imprison him in the first place, and later Cassandra gets away scot free because she’s Rapunzel’s bestie even though she committed the worst crimes out of everyone in the show and for very little reason. 

That’s not justice. That’s not compassion. That’s not progressive reform. It’s just nepotism, and it’s every bit as corrupt as Frederic’s classism and totalitarianism. 

Just because Rapunzel is “nice” it doesn’t mean that she is kind. Real reform has to treat everyone with equality and have a set of base standards that are beyond one person’s personal judgment. She is still a dictator and an abuser even if she lets the occasional person go free on a whim. 

Finally, Rapunzel’s methods are just downright ineffective. Dwyane may not be a threat to our heroes, but that doesn’t mean he’s not a threat to other people. He’s not actually sorry about trying to rob people at knife point and he fully plans on continuing being a thief after feeding Rapunzel the lines she wants to hear. 

Furthermore, we don’t know if this course of action is born out of malice or desperate need. He half heartily comments about finding ‘an honest job” but can he even do that? Is it even a realistic option for him? The series has been weaving this class inequality theme through out it’s past three seasons and directly connecting that to Corona’s crime rate. 

Eugene had a hard time finding a job during season one directly due to his past record, remember? A life of crime he was forced to lead in order to survive, and he’s the Prince Consort! What chance does Dwayne have? Did Rapunzel even try to help him find work or did she just wag her finger at him and told him “Now, now, stealing’s not nice.” 

The show wants to act like Rapunzel is this progressive reformer but then they turn her into a Republican instead. That’s not me being sarcastic either, this approach to criminal justice is the foundation of conservative belief and has been for centuries. The right are not interested in why people commit crime. They don’t care about addressing the fundamental problems in society that lead people to break the law. Let alone bother to analyze why those laws exist in the first place. Instead they resort to doublethink and survivor bias to either write off those that fall through the cracks or make excuses for why their policies repeatedly fail, often ignoring the fact that things aren’t actually working for whole swathes of people who aren’t themselves.  

Tangled the Series is far too simplistic and childish in it’s approach to deeper subjects like this to enforce the messages it supposedly wants to enforce. Rapunzel herself relies on magical thinking, double standards, and personal bias to see her through every and any problem and the show just rewards her for it rather than challenging her to grow and in doing so winds up supporting people like her in their authoritarian ideas, whether that was the writers’ intentions or not. 

In short, Rapunzel shows no interest in putting in the real work it would take to implement genuine restorative justice. She doesn't honestly care about Dwyane or his victims. She’s just posturing here for the sake of her self image.  

You’re Not In Any Position to Talk Rapunzel 

Speaking of Rapunzel being a hypocrite.... The entirety of season three’s main conflict is her having a petty bitch fight with her supposed best friend and needlessly dragging everyone else into it.

In fact that’s the whole show. Rapunzel repeatedly failing to get along with other people because she’s deep down a shitty person despite the veneer of ‘friendliness’ she slaps on to hide it. Having her just say she knows better does nothing to convince me that she’s actually learned anything. You have to show that she’s learned it first, and that requires acknowledging her own wrong doings.  

Varian’s face here just tells it all. Rapunzel is full of shit and no one in the show knows it better than him. Why are they even friends again? Why should we trust her with the three kids she neglected more than once? Why should any of these people take what she says seriously? 

Well This is Contradictory

Also, since we brought up double standards, here’s Varian undermining that whole “jail is bad” thing Rapunzel is trying to push with Dwayne and later with Cass. Not only is the show under cutting it’s themes for a joke, but it just reinforces the abuse Varian received. He’s now bought into Frederic’s stupid beliefs and winds up reinforcing to the audience that that his ‘reform’ was due to his past imprisonment.   

As an adult watching this series, Varian’s supposed redemption continues to increasingly look like a victim complying with their past abuser out of fear of further harm rather than anyone genuinely learning to be better.

Can We Please Stop Infantilizing the 16 Year Old

As if to deflect from Varian’s past mistreatment and continuing parentification, the show then goes on to showcase the opposite extreme whenever possible. I know it’s hard to tell just from these few screen shots alone, but over the course of season three Varian is spoken down too and treated condescendingly by the rest of the cast, and by Rapunzel in particular, even as he enters his later teens/early adulthood.  

Some of this is just to due to Rapunzel being her usual holier than thou self, but there’s also times, like here, where Varian is lumped together with the actual children of the show, even though he’s 6 to 8 years their senior. 

In fact out of everyone Rapunzel interacts with, Varian’s actually the closest to her in both age and development. Queen for a Day forced the two of them into a power imbalance due to a mixture of classism and society’s ongoing unhealthy (and often artificial) divide between younger and older teens, but as we get further and further away from that point in time and as Varian nears the same age Rapunzel started out as, that imbalance becomes less and less relevant. 

Look at how this scene is framed, He’s standing between Angry and Red and is placed lower than them to make it look like he’s one of them. He’s not. 

Varian may still look 12 with his big old eyes and short stature, but seeing as how we’re past Hearts Day, he’s actually close to being 17, if he isn’t already. The timeline gets even wonkier after The King and Queen of Hearts, but trust me, we’re close to being two years past Queen for a Day, if not more so. 

Varian, for all counts, should be Rapunzel’s equal by now in terms of story. Not only is he closest in age to her, but he’s also the only other person going through a coming of age arc. And of the two, Varian’s the one who has actually learned and grown as a person. He has more real world experience than Rapunzel ever will and knows how to implement that experience. (He’s also the more mature, but that’s more of a failure to write Rapunzel competently than a reflection of his capabilities.) 

No matter how you slice it, Varian shouldn’t be taking orders or advice from Rapunzel; no one should be, really; and he most certainly shouldn’t put up with her condescension. Rapunzel is not his nor anybody else’s mother. She’s not even a big sister like figure, and at no point should be treated as the leader of anything or anyone. 

Rapunzel is a Poor Man’s Rose Quartz 

I typically try not to draw too many comparisons between Tangled and other shows outside of the occasional parallel, as a show should be able to stand on it’s own for good or for bad, but it’s hard not to discuss the series without also discussing Steven Universe in some way. 

Steven Universe is this generation’s Batman the Animated Series or Scooby Doo. It’s the game changer that everybody else is trying to copy in some manner. Chris desperately wants Tangled the Series to be the next Steven Universe, right down to how the show is structured, paced, and what themes are presented. But unfortunately Chris has no idea why Steven Universe works the way it does. 

For starters SU adjusted it’s pacing as it went along, smoothing out its rougher edges while Tangled doubled down on its filler. SU had a planned arc from the get go and stuck to it, so that by the time the twists came they made sense. SU kept it’s focus on Steven purposefully so that the story unfolded from his view point while making to sure to acknowledge the importance of other characters around him and their conflicts. It didn’t make him infallible nor shove aside everyone else’s arcs.  

But most importantly, Steven Universe was written by a bisexual nonbinary person who set out to make a show for people in the queer community like themselves. Meanwhile, as a middle aged white man, Chis hasn’t a damn clue about his primary audience and has shown no interest in connecting with them. 

This isn’t to say that Steven Universe is a perfect show. No show is beyond criticism. Nor is this to say that straight white cis men can’t write; many of them do and can portray characters unlike themselves competently enough. But if you’re completely disinterested in other points of view than you can’t be a good writer of fictional stories, that’s just a fact. Because in order to understand proper characterization you need to acknowledge that not every character ever will be like you and that even you’re main heroes will hold beliefs and experiences different from yourself. Otherwise there is no genuine conflict to build off of. Either no one will disagree with each other or the conflict will come across as flat and forced, complete with lopsided bias. 

Therefore, in the end, Rapunzel winds up being less of a Steven and more of a Rose Quartz/Pink Dimond. Both are spoiled princesses/co-rulers of a kingdom that mistreats it’s people and anyone outside of it, who rebelled against their guardians, supposedly out of a sense of justice, but really for themselves and their own freedom, only to make things even worse for everyone. On top of that they both accidently harmed their friends, freindzone their best friend while also bossing them around, are condescending to their love interests, is controlling of people who trust them, and throws temper tantrums when they don’t get what they want, oh and neglected someone for an inhumane amount of time. 

Even then, Rapunzel winds up being the worst of the two. 

The whole point behind Rose was that she is someone whom the main characters place upon a pedestal and as the series went along slowly had the scales fall from their eyes and learned to view her for who she really was flaws and all. By the end, in Future, she is even metaphorically removed from her pedestal when Steven removes her picture from the wall.  

Rose also grows as a character, unlike Rapunzel. Her story is deliberately being told to us backwards. The awful person she was in the past was no longer who she was by the time of her death. True she was still flawed, and the consequences of her actions continued on even after her demise, but she actually tried to be a better person. She got called out for her behavior, she wasn’t excused for actions even when the show explained why she did what she did, and she stopped doing harmful actions whenever she realized that they hurt someone. 

Greg was allowed to stand up to her and show how she was wrong, and she respected him for it and later fell in love with him because of it. She tried to better control her temper when she wound up hurting her friend. Her failed revolution and her mistreatment of Spinel was actually born from a misguided desire to help, rather than outright selfishness. 

Rose Quratz/Pink Dimond is a brilliant fucking character. You may not like her, but you can’t deny that she is one of the most complex figures in children’s media to ever be created. She is real, nuanced, and multifaceted. He role within the story is complicated, messy, and intricate. She is the most well rounded female character I’ve ever seen and she is what I had hoped Rapunzel would be when I first watched season one, only even more so as the actual focus. 

I want women in cartoons to be people! 

But Rapunzel fails at every turn to follow through with this promise. She is not a deep complex character. She’s not a flawed and complicated heroine. She’s a blank canvas in which the creator can shove his creepy ass views upon. She is never taken off her pedestal, she’s never allowed to be wrong, and she is forced to spout the the creator’s personal bias against other characters. 

Rapunzel isn’t a person. She had the chance to be one, but then was reduced to .. to this. As a woman, the treatment of Rapunzel and Cassandra in this show is just flat out insulting. 

So What Is the Difference Between Angry and Red Now?

I’m all for character growth, but at this point Angry and Red are just interchangeable. Anything that made them uniquely them has been lost, and they’re now just fulfilling the generic rambunctious little kid trope. Red becoming more assertive shouldn’t mean she stops being an introvert altogether; that’s not how that works. While Angry shouldn’t lose her temper completely just because she’s wiling to open up more. 

So Why Dwayne?

I like Dwayne as a character and in truth I don’t mind his existence here, and unlike that werewolf hunter last time he at least was established in a pervious season. But this is still time that could have went to a more important antagonist. 

Also notice that Dwyane gets a villain song, but not Lady Caine or Zhan Tiri. Just saying. 

Rapunzel Has Not Earned the Role of the Wise Sage and Mentor 

Rapunzel has never learned to listen to others. Ever.

On it’s own this might have been a good speech, but when taken in context of the wider story it just makes Rapunzel look like an ass. 

A year traveling does not make Rapunzel suddenly all knowing. She is not wiser nor more experienced than anyone else in this scene. She’s also a crappy leader and big fat hypocrite.  

Even when she’s technically right, as seen here, she’s still in the wrong because she never follows through and acts upon her own advice; making this whole story pointless in the grand scheme of things. 

And that’s the core problem with season three. Rapunzel is shoved into a role she is not designed for and the whole premise of the series runs right off the rails. You’re main heroine in a coming of age story can not inhabit the mentor role. She can not simultaneously learn and grow and be always right while instructing everyone else. 

All through out season three Rapunzel is either rendered completely useless in her own damn series, or she utterly fails to fulfill any sort of narrative promise laid out for her while she infuriatingly hijacks the story from more interesting and dynamic characters. 

Behold The Only Reason Why Varian was Included in the Episode 

Speaking of hijacking things, Rapunzel of course has to get the idea to save everybody, even though what she thinks of isn’t anything special. It’s not derived from her character as an individual nor from all that experience she supposedly has. It’s literally an idea anyone could have come up  with and the show just hands it to her in order to justify her exitance. 

Meanwhile the character who actually is useful to the plot is sidelined and reduced to just a plot device. And not just here, Varian is rendered practically pointless in all but two episodes in season three, even in episodes that he actually should have more impact in, like the season opener and series finale. 

Good writing treats characters as equally contributing to the plot in ways that complements who these characters are.  

Ok I’ll Admit That This Line Is Funny

Look, I know this whole review series is about pointing out the negative, and I stand by my opinion that Tangled the Series is one of the worst written shows I’ve ever seen, but I want to make one thing clear.... I do not hate the show. If I hated the show I would not waste my time reviewing it. 

Yes the over all writing is shit, but there are a lot of good things to be found in the series beyond just the crap story arc. The humor is usually solid, the animation is gorgeous, the music is a delight, and the majority of the characters are likable even though they don’t develop in the ways that they should. There’s a lot of talent that went into this show and there’s a lot of potential to be had in it’s set up and lore. 

Being critical or negative about the aspects of something doesn’t mean you dislike it, or that you’re not a real fan, or that you’re just a ‘hater’, and I actually find TTS to be fascinating because it’s such a mess. I write reviews because they’re fun and because I genuinely think there is something to be learned from Tangled’s mistakes. 

So Why Do We Cut Back to Rapunzel Here and Not Varian? 

This is such an odd framing choice. Varian is the one who is talking and reacting to what’s happening. It’s his pet that’s in trouble and therefore he carries the emotional weight of the scene, and yet it’s Rapunzel’s shocked face we focus on? Why? What’s the point of that? She has no business being the center focus here. The action does not involve her. 

If you wanted to include her for a later set up then why not have both her and Varian present in this shot? Usually I can at least count on the story boarders to frame things better than this, but they really missed the mark here. Unless Chris is just that stupid and petty that he over ruled them and forced Varian out of the scene, but that seems like a pointless fight to pick, even for him. 

See This is How you Fulfill a Narrative Promise 

The conflict between Ruddiger and Max was set up in season one with What the Hair, then it was reiterated a few episodes ago during The Lost Treasure of Herz Der Sonne, and then it was reintroduced in this episode along with a stated lesson about working together that they needed to learn. By they end of the episode, guess what, they’ve learned to work together. That is how you properly set up and resolve a conflict. 

It’s clear from this that the writers of Tangled the Series know the basic tenants of writing and how to fulfill narrative promises. So the fact that they don’t follow through with this in the majority of the show’s episodes and ongoing story arcs just baffles me. 

Is it negligence? Is it hubris? Is it incompetent management and editorial mandates? Is it just one asshole ruining everything or is this a failure in the writers room as a whole? 

I just don’t understand what the fuck went wrong here. There’s no reason for why the show got as bad as it did. How does the most acclaimed animation company in the world put out such amateurish tripe? 

Just... wow. 

Now you know why I’m mesmerized by this show. It is a mystery to be solved, like trying to figure out how the crew on the Titanic fucked up so badly or why Hindenburg blew up. You just can’t look away. 

Conclusion 

Like I said at the start, structurally speaking this is the strongest episode of the season. I personally enjoy Lost Treasure a little more, just because Rapunzel annoys me less in that, but it’s not a bad story. However when you’re best episode in your final season is filler, then you know you’re in trouble. 

If you like my reviews and want to support my writing endeavors you can drop a tip in my kofi https://ko-fi.com/rachelbethhines

[msmarvelouswinchester]

Love In Sin

Chapter 4

Summary - Special Agent Winchester is forced to go undercover with his frenemy Special Agent L/N when they try to track down a notorious drug dealer. How will Y/N and Dean complete their task? Will their relationship worsen or will new feelings emerge between them?

Pairing - AU Detective!Dean Winchester x Reader

Series Warning - Angst, Slow burn, Fluff, Implied Smut, Mentions of crime and drug, Swearing.

Chapter Warning - Slow Burn and a teeny tiny bit of angst.

Word Count - 2.5k+

Square Filled - Diner Food ( @spndeanbingo )

A/N - Beta'd by the lovely @deanwanddamons

Spn divider by the talented @talesmaniac89

Series Masterlist

My Masterlist

“How's the preparation for the party going?” Dean asked as he poked his head into the room where you were sitting on the floor, a mass of utter destruction around you.

“Woah sweetheart, it looks like you fought a war. What the hell happened?” Dean asked.

“I am exhausted, cranky and I am tired of putting up these damn streamers,” your hair was a mess, you were beyond tired and you needed coffee in your system. And you were also hungry.

“You should have called me. Y/N/N, let me help you,” Dean said and took a bunch of streamers in his hands.

“No Winchester, leave those. You have already helped me enough during unpacking. I should be able to put up a little decorations in the house. I am a special Agent for fucks sake.”

“Now I get it. Come on,” Dean said and pulled you up onto your feet.

“Where? Dean, we have the party tomorrow and I have so much to do! Ugh, who tells you to arrange a party the day after you move into a house?” you grumbled.

“Apparently the executive director of the bureau,” Dean chuckled, “And I am taking you out for a walk. You need food and coffee in you and neither of us are in the mood to cook.”

“How do you know I need coffee and food?” You narrowed your eyes at him.

“I have eyes, sweetheart,” Dean smirked at you, “I know how grumpy you are when you are hungry. You can’t even function properly.”

Dean was right. Food really lifts up your mood. You both went out for a walk and came across a little diner in the area. It was small but beautiful.

“One burger with fries, an apple pie divided in two and two cups of black coffee please,” Dean ordered.

“Coming right up sir,” a young blonde girl responded from behind the counter.

You and Dean took a seat at the diner.

“Why are we even arranging a party, what's the reason?” You asked.

“Just moved in, new house. A....a housewarming party?” Dean said deep in thought.

“That….sounds appropriate.”

“So it's settled then. A housewarming party,” Dean said, a small smile playing on his lips.

“Alright. Since I'm married to you, I should know some stuff about you just so I don't stutter when people ask me about my own husband. Tell me about yourself - where are your parents? What are your hobbies, other than watching the movie Die Hard on repeat?” you said.

“Hey, the Die Hard movie is a classic. You should learn to appreciate good films. As you know my name’s Dean Winchester, no middle name,” Dean smirked, “I have a younger brother, Sam who is a lawyer. He is engaged to this girl named Jessica-”

“Wait! Jessica? As in Jessica Moore? I think I know her. Maybe I went to high school with her,” you said thinking aloud.

“Small world,” Dean gave you a tiny shrug, “My parents are still together. My dad, John Winchester owns a garage and my mom, Mary Winchester owns a coffee shop near my parents’ house. My life's pretty boring. Tell me about yourself.”

“Well you already know a lot about me because apparently ‘you have eyes’,” you chuckled, “but my name is Y/N M/N L/N, I do have a middle name. I have two brothers named Michael and Gabriel, I am the youngest. My Mom and Dad are still together too. My Dad, Y/D/N works at a corporate office and my Mom Y/M/N used to teach at a primary school. So my life's pretty boring too.”

“Here's your order,” the server interrupted your conversation by placing three plates on your table, “and here's your coffee.”

The girl kept eyeing Dean. You cleared your throat as you saw him turning towards the waitress with a stupid smirk on his face. You took his hands and entangled your fingers with his, making him jump and look back at you.

“Nothing else,” you said in a cold voice surprising the girl and Dean. The girl walked away from your table quickly.

“Jealousy is a bad colour on you sweetheart,” Dean said to you in a cocky tone.

“Why would I be jealous? I am not jealous,” you replied but that was a big, fat lie. A switch had been flipped as soon as you saw that waitress ogling Dean. Maybe you were jealous.

“Whatever helps you sleep at night,” he said with a stupid smirk plastered on his face.

“I was not jealous but I think you should try to keep it in your pants if you want this cover to work,” you pointed out to him.

“Ooh, an affair, maybe it will spice things up a bit,” he winked.

“Dean,” you glared at him as he raised his hands in defence.

“So,” Dean said stabbing the piece of pie with a fork, “Any past relationships I should know about?”

“No,” You said after swallowing the piece of burger - the food was so good, “why should I tell you about my past relationships?”

“Let's see, I am your husband and I think I should know about your ex boyfriends...ex flings.”

“Fake husband. How many times do I have to remind you?”

“Okay, keep your secrets to yourself. I was just trying to make some small talk,” he shrugged.

“God you're so nosy. Fine,” you said biting into a single fry, “I don't have many ex-boyfriends or ‘flings’ as you may say, but I was in a serious relationship with a guy named Cain for almost three years but...uh-then we broke up and now he..he is just a bad memory. What about you?”

“Kinda the same. Had a few serious relationships. The last one was with a girl named Lisa. After two years of dating we realised we weren't made for each other so we broke up - it was an amicable breakup,” Dean said.

“No one night stands? Girls would kill to have a one night stand with you,” you said.

“Will you kill to have a one night stand with me?” He asked, making you choke on your food.

“W-what?” You said after regaining your composure.

“Just saying. We have the arrangement - you and I are already married. You can experience the full package if you want too,” Dean smirked.

“N-no, thanks,” you said and gulped down a glass of water. This man will be the death of you.

“So, tell me about Cain. I mean I have to live upto your expectations.”

“Trust me, you don't want to be like Cain,” you said, swallowing hard. You didn't want to speak about the topic of Cain, he was just a bad memory, no scratch that, the worst memory of your life.

“Did he hurt you?” Dean asked, his voice soft.

“No.” You looked down at your plate, suddenly finding it too interesting.

“He hurt you, didn't he?” Dean clenched his jaw.

“Why are you suddenly so interested in my past relationships? It's not important to our job. We are work colleagues, let's just keep it that way,” you said and abruptly left the table and went out of the diner.

You didn't know why you lashed out at Dean like that. Maybe because you were still not ready to talk about Cain. No one knew why you guys broke up - not even your parents, but Dean was just trying to talk to you as a friend. Now he was going to think of you as an overdramatic bitch. You buried your face into your hands as you heard footsteps approaching you.

“Y/N? I am sorry for what happened back there. I-I definitely crossed a line I wasn't supposed to cross. You're right - we are work colleagues, let's keep it that way,” Dean told you, “just remember whatever Cain did, you don't deserve it.”

You looked up to him and saw him staring at you.

“Come on, let's go back to the house. We have a lot of work to do,” he said and snaked his arms across your waist, making you jump a bit.

“Just to keep the cover,” Dean whispered into your ears. You nodded but you'd be lying if you said that your heart didn't skip a beat when he pulled you closer to him.

You opened your mouth to speak, but you were interrupted by the ping of your phone, which indicated you had received a new text.

“Oh look at that. Now what does Mr. Singer need? A BBQ party in our backyard?” Dean said, his voice dripping with sarcasm.

“According to trustful, internal sources, the right hand man of Crowley is apparently one of our neighbours,” you said reading the text as you saw the gears turning in Dean's head.

“So we gotta be cautious at the party. One slip, and our entire cover will be blown,” Dean said, immediately slipping into the serious work mode which you loved.

“Let's go and meet the neighbours then, husband,” you smirked at him.

“After you, sweetheart,” he grinned back at you.

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[scrapyardboyfriends]

It feels like the producers just come up with a story idea and start it without coming up with the conclusion. I feel like they just meander and eventually just fade into nothingness without any resolution at all. Other than Robert's storyline pausing with him in prison, because Ryan left or took an extended leave, all the other storylines just seem to keep going until they decide to just stop. It's beyond bizarre. There's never a culmination it's just dragged on and on until they decide they're done. It's so not the way things are supposed to be done.

I think that’s probably a fairly accurate statement. 

I mean under this team we’ve had...

The “Is Joe dead?” saga which dragged on for way too long and only stopped because Kim finally arrived back and ended up with Joe not even dead so all of it was really for nothing. 

The “Billy’s Backstory” saga, which was...a mess. Certainly the lack of any kind of real resolution with the Aaron part. Also the fact that there was this whole thing with Jessie not believing he really did what got him sent to prison in the first place only to find out that he did and then she had basically no reaction to it. Well, she did, but it lasted for about an episode. Plus the brothers at war element fell pretty flat too for the most part. And just the whole thing with whatever his name was that was getting him back into crime was just a lot of meandering nonsense. 

The Maya story, which worked for a while but then had one too many “twists and turns” that went nowhere, a lot of very sloppy writing with David’s reaction to it all and Maya only ending up in prison for what? 6 months all to result in a baby that ended up being David’s? And the follow up with Jacob, I thought was pretty poor because I don’t think they ever really did a decent job of making it clear he understood what really happened. I mean he said he did later but I feel like they could have done better. 

Victoria’s rape story. The Robert’s exit portion of it worked fairly well in and of itself, particularly because it had a finite end and somehow the power of and history of Robron made it all work in the end. But the rest of it was a bit of a mess that started well and then got massively derailed by Robert’s exit, which routinely threw Vic under the bus and then what was Vic’s resolution in all of it? To end up dating her rapist’s brother and letting her rapist’s mother who spent months harassing her and calling her a liar be a grandmother to her son. Every once in a while there was a glimmer of dealing with her lingering recovery that was fairly well done but otherwise...

The Nate/Moira affair saga, which did have a decent climax structurally, but prior to that just meandered around with all of us in the dark and not in a fun way where we were really trying to figure something out because it went on for too long with no real legitimate clues that you weren’t sure anymore if you were supposed to be trying to figure something out. And then it was like they didn’t really know what to do with Nate once that story was done because they were like “well...fuck...now we have to figure out how to make him and Cain have any kind of relationship?!?!”. A mess. 

The Frank’s death story. They couldn’t be bothered enough with his character when he was alive to properly give him any kind of real set up for his exit other than a few vague scenes where the audience didn’t know what was going on. And then they dragged Amy and Kerry into things in the most random set of plot points about Amy’s latest backstory needing money just to get them to the factory to start the fire. And then there was all of that panic with them for so long and Tracy determined to figure out the truth and then she did and it all gets vaguely resolved because Kerry got knocked on the head and they decided to just call a truce??! But then Tracy still gets to hold it over Amy’s head and not let her date Matty? 

The Millie paternity saga that went absolutely nowhere because Graham turned out not to be the father anyway???

The current Jamie saga. The most random and meandering of them all, which may or may not still be going on?? I’m really not sure. Cause Jamie became super mean for a while and everyone hated him and he ran Moira over and then Belle very oddly screwed him over and tried to get him sent down only her him to frame her and Nate and have Nate take the fall after she had a mental breakdown but now she’s....fine? And Nate didn’t go to prison after all? And Jamie is off the hook and is suddenly nice again because Kim’s back to be the mean one and now she’s trying to get revenge on Cain cause????? Also a mess. 

The Gabby/Leyla/Liam saga. As discussed in a previous ask, a mess with no real conclusion and with the Jamie/Home Farm obsession...may still be happening???

The Dan’s paralysis saga. I did miss some of this thankfully when I wasn’t watching but I feel like it also went on way too long and went around in circles that felt very unnecessary and then just sort of abruptly ended and they were never seen again until Dan was suddenly perfectly fine and healthy and getting turkey deliveries....?

The Paul/Mandy/Vinny saga. We’re still suffering that one and I feel like it should have a decent climax and perhaps resolution because eventually Mandy has to find out and presumably Paul will face some kind of consequences but at the rate they’re going, who knows when that will ever happen. 

The extremely minimal effort put into Ben as a character and anything between Aaron and Ben. I’m still baffled that they decided to make Ben the guy Aaron bullied in school and then resolved all of that in one episode. And who the fuck knows where it’s going now because it’s never on screen long enough to develop into anything but if it does...where does it even go? 

The Malone saga. Entirely too long and had definitely had a fair few meandering sections. Had a decent climactic scene with killing Malone but then went right back to meandering. And I’m still sort of like “Dawn reported him to the police and she killed him in self defense” so I don’t know why they’re even going through all of this in the first place and if in the end they just get away with it, then truly...what was the point?

Wow it’s really depressing to list everything out like this. Safe to say...the show needs to make some changes, preferably a new producer. 

[tabloidtoc]

National Examiner, April 12

You can buy a copy of this issue for your very own at my eBay store: https://www.ebay.com/str/bradentonbooks

Cover: Mark Harmon quitting NCIS

Page 2: Stars Who Rock Around the Clock -- they believe in the healing power of crystals -- Naomi Campbell, Shirley MacLaine, Adele, Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, Uma Thurman

Page 3: Debra Messing, Goldie Hawn and Kate Hudson, Megan Fox, Katy Perry, Gisele Bundchen

Page 4: Eddie Murphy's roles and costumes

Page 6: George Clooney is turning 60 in May, and he says being an older dad to toddlers has its benefits -- his son isn't ever going to feel competitive with him and he'll be gumming his bread by the time he'd feel competitive with him, jokes the Oscar-winning actor, whose twins Ella and Alexander turn 4 in June -- George is well aware that growing up with two highly accomplished parents (his wife Amal Clooney is a successful human rights lawyer) can put a lot of pressure on a kid and that's why the couple is already guiding Ella and Alexander with strong values and kind hearts because George says it's their job to make sure that they care about people and that they challenge people in power and look out for people who don't have power and those are the things he was raised with -- the known prankster is also passing the practical joke tradition down to the next generation and he taught Alexander to take a piece of banana, chew it up and then spit it into a napkin, then stand next to him mom, pretend to blow his nose into it and look down until Mama looks at it, then eat it

Page 7: Partridge Family star Shirley Jones turned 87, and she's brimming over with gratitude for her wonderful life that's been chock-full of extraordinary experiences -- she says you have to have a good time and enjoy life to the fullest and before you know it you'll be 87 -- Shirley has three sons (her stepson David Cassidy died in 2017) and 13 grandchildren

Page 8: Take your etiquette test for tea with Queen Elizabeth

Page 9: Brain foods that may help prevent dementia

* Study says new drug slows Alzheimer's

Page 10: Jennifer Garner recently opened up about her real feelings on her body -- she's 48 and single and has three children with ex-husband Ben Affleck: daughters Violet and Seraphina and son Samuel -- in a recent interview, she admitted that her body has changed a lot since having three kids and she doesn't mind one little bit, even though she was hurt when a friend hinted she may be expecting again, saying there are some women whose bodies just, no matter how many babies they have, they bounce right back to that slim-hipped, no stomach and she has so many girlfriends who have that physique and she's so happy for them, but she's not one of them and she can work really hard and she can be really fit and she will still look like a woman who's had three babies and she always will

Page 11: 6 stomach symptoms you should never ignore -- catch problems before the become deadly

Page 12: After more than two decades, James Brolin says he's discovered the way to keep his marriage to Barbra Streisand going strong: negotiation -- it's taken two marriages and 22 years for him to figure it out and he and his wife have gotten so close being locked down together -- his mother was the sweetest person so he never really learned to negotiate with women but now he knows if you sit down and talk about a situation, you can work it out

Page 14: Dear Tony, America's Top Psychic Healer -- don't make snap judgments; you may lose the perfect mate -- Tony predicts a very hot summer coming and a lot more street crime

Page 15: Folks getting their COVID-19 vaccinations at the Berkshire Community College in Massachusetts got a shocking treat: a mini-concert from world-famous cellist Yo-Yo Ma -- while waiting out his 15-minute observation period, the musician sat down to play a socially distant symphony for his fellow inoculees

Page 16: Duchess Kate is never seen without a purse, but what exactly does she keep inside it? There's quite a history between royal women and their handbags: Princess Diana used her clutch bag to cover her cleavage from prying photographers, Queen Elizabeth moves her handbag from one arm to the other to signal to her staff when she's bored of chatting with someone, and Kate carries her bag in her left hand so she can keep her right hand free to greet and shake hands with guests and she holds her bag in front of her when shaking hands might be awkward -- according to royal protocol pre-pandemic, Kate must extend her hand first for another person to shake hands with her, so if she prefers to just smile instead of touching other folks, she uses her clutch to do that -- author Marcia Moody who wrote Kate: A Biography, says the duchess always carries four must-have items: in her small clutch, she carries a compact mirror, a handkerchief, blotting paper and lip balm and every now and then, if she's going to attend a tennis match, for example, Kate will carry a pair of sunglasses -- unlike Queen Elizabeth, whose purses come from a company called Launer, the duchess favors different brands, but mostly a company called Mulberry -- nowadays with three small children, the mom gravitates toward midsize bags with handles because she's got to take more items with her like a handy bunch of tissues, good for wiping little noses and faces, and also takes her camera along

Page 18: William Shatner confesses that when he starred in Star Trek during the mid-60s, he had no idea it would become a worldwide phenomenon still popular today -- Shatner, who turned 90 in March, says it's unimaginable and it's all beyond anybody's imagination or ability to repeat and the greatest thing about being the captain of the Enterprise for three years was his relationship with the cast and the roles were written so well

Page 19: Brandy is a one-in-a million cat because those are the odds she'd ever be found again after she went missing 15 years ago -- when Charles got the phone call from a California animal shelter that his missing pet has been found, he could scarcely believe his ears and the Los Angeles man was skeptical and thought it must be a mistake but he had made sure the two-month-old kitten had a microchip and sure enough, the malnourished stray they found was his Brandy -- Charles did break down and cry because he thought about all of the years he lost from her and when he picked her up, she started to purr and it was very emotional

Page 20: Mark Harmon finally lured wife Pam Dawber out of retirement to star alongside him on NCIS, but the pairing will be short-lived because he's leaving the show after 18 hit seasons -- the 69-year-old star is finally fed up with the backbreaking hours, endless rehearsals, and feuds with cast and crew, and plans to ride off into the sunset with Pam and retire to the couple's Montana Ranch -- Mark's contract is up after season 18, and he's agonized over whether to sign a new one and he's being offered the moon and the stars to come back for a few more seasons, but he says his heart just isn't in it and Mark has faced problems on the set over the past few years and he feels his age, he just doesn't need the aggravation anymore -- NCIS recently teased a possible departure of his character Leroy Gibbs when the special agent commander was suspended for assaulting and nearly killing a suspect but despite that, Harmon insists Gibbs not be killed off so he can leave the door open for a possible return

Page 22: Legendary actor Michael Caine just turned 88 and he's still going strong, starring in an upcoming comedy Best Sellers and says he knows he's old but he doesn't feel old, not in his head, where it matters

Page 24: They say money doesn't buy happiness, but what do people spend their money on that can buy happiness? You don't need millions of dollars to afford the things that happy people buy to stay that way and studies show that anything over $75,000 a year in income is gravy, which means yachts, jewels, second homes and art collections are not at all required -- the best thing to drop your cash on is experiences and doing is better than having and in other words, an object you own will never give you the consistent pleasure of an experience that creates good memories that live on forever -- also the best experiences are the ones that involve other people like having a picnic with family, going rafting with pals, or even just walking and talking with an exercise buddy

Page 25: Freshen Your Fridge -- make a clean start with this 5-step plan

Page 26: Tony's Mystic World -- may the force be with you -- the life force can be drained out of you by fear or worry

Page 28: Sensational Snaps From Around the World -- photo contest captures amazing sights

Page 31: When to trash it -- the useful lifespan of refrigerated food

Page 32: It's been 40 years since Marilu Henner starred on the hit sitcom Taxi, but the great memories and wonderful co-stars are always on her mind because she's still pals with them -- they always stayed in touch with each other and never lost touch and do a Taxi Zoom every two months and they're all very current with each other and they have a text chain as well and they're in contact every week -- Marilu is close with cast members Tony Danza, Judd Hirsch, Danny DeVito, Christopher Lloyd and Carol Kane

Page 33: Garth Brooks is overjoyed wife Trisha Yearwood has finally bounced back from her bout with COVID-19 -- she seems to be 100 percent, according to Garth, and at the end there during fatigue she got real impatient, really kind of mean and sassy and he thought well, she's back to herself -- after announcing in February that Trisha had the coronavirus and Garth said he had tested negative

Page 40: The grass is always greener when you use these simple gardening tips

* Avoid cat-astrophe -- the right way to add a stray

Page 42: 10 things you never knew about Glenn Close -- the wildly successful actress turned 74 in March

Page 44: Eyes on the Stars -- Sylvester Stallone and wife Jennifer Flavin leave a Florida hotel (picture), Jane Seymour is still looking on the bright side even as the world continues to weather the pandemic, one year after the death of Kenny Rogers his family thanked fans as they honored his life, Sharon Stone is dishing dirt about her Hollywood past in her recently released memoir like one moviemaker who told her to have sex with a male co-star to improve their on-screen chemistry, 28-year-old twins Lady Amelia and Lady Eliza Spencer who are the nieces of Princess Diana recently stepped out in South Africa as bridesmaids for fellow high society girl Leila Osato, director Christopher Columbus pooh-poohed internet rumors about the existence of an NC-17 cut of Mrs. Doubtfire but he did confirm there's an unreleased R-rated version

Page 45: Good Morning America co-host Cecilia Vega mugs it up for the camera on the morning show (picture), Gretta Monahan gets out of a car (picture), longtime GMA veteran Robin Roberts displays her ever-present sunny side on the set (picture), the Hollywood Hills home of Johnny Depp recently had some uninvited guests when a man was spotted loitering by the property's pool but ran off after being confronted by a neighbor and not much later Johnny's security team called police about another unwanted visitor who had taken a shower and helped himself to the actor's booze, Elsa Pataky has been married to Chris Hemsworth for 10 years and says patience and communication and understanding are what help their relationship be successful

Page 46: A Texas man has helped thousands of people by donating his blood platelets a staggering 962 times over the past 37 years

Page 47: Celebrity Weddings Gone Wrong -- Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively, Cameron Diaz and Benji Madden, Nicky Hilton and James Rothschild, Chrissy Teigen and John Legend, Jessica Simpson and Eric Johnson, Freddie Prinze Jr. and Sarah Michelle Gellar, Katherine Heigl and Josh Kelley

[curseofconsciousness]

Slaying Abel: A Left Hand Path Perspective from a Son of Cain.

So I’ve been sitting up for about an hour or so, wondering what is the sense of why a brother would slay his brother. The first being the lack of understanding pushed by society as to how a brother should treat a brother. Even Judeo-Christianity didn’t elaborate this at the point of Genesis. For at this point the concept of murdering people didn’t even exist. The only things that did were creation (God created Heaven and Earth, as well as Eve, Lilith, and Adam), birth (Adam / Serpent / Eve gave birth to Cain and Abel) , survival (The pair were allowed to eat from the garden to provide substance), and death (Cursed to death via eating off the tree of knowledge) by biological force only.

What we do know thus far is before this, man had no emotional content. There was nothing human (or Godly ((I’ll get to this in a second)) about Adam and Eve. They asked simple things, to receive simple directions, and didn’t display any real apathy or empathy about anything. They were kinda just semi-sentient drones.

And then we have the birth of Cain and Abel. The first sons of fuckin man, wheeeeew. Well Abel is the first son of man, Cain is considered in most primordial gnosis writings to be son of spirit. The son of the serpent. Again: Abel being the son of man, he has no emotional content or real empathy at all. God ask him for sacrifice, and what does he do? Kill a bunch of animals.

Now before this point, it isn’t quoted anywhere that man needs to be killing beast. It says he is a master of all things living. It is his job to care for them. You can live off vegetables, Vegans do it all the time. Nonetheless, Abel was the first being to slay something in cold blood for virtually no reason than appeasement. And it was like a lamb or sheep, so a completely harmless/defenseless animal at that.

Cain offered God seeds, fruits, and vegetables. Things that were given, that would grow back, that didn’t require taking the life from another breathing being. It was the Godly thing to do because it put the nature of other things before the desire to inflict death on another living thing. God didn’t accept his sacrifice.

If your parents told you that you were here to protect living creatures, and your brother is just wandering around blatantly ignoring what he was taught, you’d be mad as hell to. YOUR God gave you this rule, yet gives you a pat on the back for doing the opposite? Hypocrisy, it seems like the deck is already loaded against Cain, Hm? Maybe because God BY ALL MEANS, dislikes what the serpent is doing to his society of minions.

It is here that the divide is drawn. Nature / Natural = Bad, Slaying / Killing / Ending Life = Good. So you have to think what the serpent did to convince man that he should eat the fruit...he implored his LOGIC. So you have to think, primitive Cain, with no doctrine, sees his brother kill something and get favor, shit he wants some to. But instead of killing something helpless, he decides to kill what he thinks is his equal, but really he is killing something weaker than him. He is killing the side of himself with little to no empathy or sense of logic. He is killing the duality of him that can only follow directions.

So boom, slays Abel, “How you think that sheep felt now, punk” (spits). Now THIS, despite how fucked up it is, IS GODLY. A.) He implored his sense B.) Emotion thus far has only been shown by God C.) He was so enraged he slew the person he was enraged at (Sounds like God in later books, hm?)

Iight so boom, God sentences Cain to The Land of Nod (Wandering), where he is marked. No one can do ill to him, and he is “cursed” to wander around and do what the fuck he wants to. This isn’t a curse, it’s freedom. The Mark being an indication that he wasn’t the same as everyone else, he was capable of free thought. He was capable of accessing that dark space in his mind and trying to balance his instincts with his logic and emotions.

Cain was the first agricultural/farmer that produced the manuscript for healthy living of man to this day. His lineage produced Enoch, who in turn gave wisdom to the world. His lineage has the first Metalworkers in it. He still copulated and had children. He rose to Kinghood in the Land of Nod. He established his own bloodline, all of which seemed to be imparted with the gift of free thinking beyond direction following, unlike the lineage of Adam.

Cain is the first being in the world with an illuminated thought process beyond caring what he is told. He applied logic, empathy, passion, and common sense. We are watching a man ascend so much to the equivalent of his Judeo-Christian God, that God was like “...I don’t like that...go do that somewhere else before you infect my folk with that real free will shit.” He created his own path with nothing.

And at this point of slaying Abel, you also have to look at it objectively. Killing someone was not considered to be right or wrong. And even if it was, if Cain is of the Spirit, he’s wise enough to know that a physical death isn’t a true death of the spirit. He killed a husk and that’s it. Secondly, his curse wasn’t his freedom, his curse was that God wouldn’t let him ascend to spiritual energy until he died of natural causes. He was cursed with physical life. God cursed Adam and Eve with life because they had a fear of dying, and created a theism based on their fear of death. God cursed Cain with life because he didn’t have a fear of death, and knew that he was of spirit anyway so it meant nothing.

[maxineswritingcenter]

Beauty and the Beast AU - Demon!Dean Winchester

We'll see how this goes! I'm using she/her pronouns for this fic, just to keep it like the original story.

Characters (As they appear): Fem!reader, reader’s father, Gabriel, Metatron, Michael, Zachariah, Demon!Dean

Summary: You are seen as the oddball around town, you're into books and other nerdy things that the small town you were raised in just don't get. You dream of going on the road and having adventures, but it's unlikely you can because you don't have a lot of money. Your father runs a house renovating business and goes to a job in the spooky abandoned house in the woods. You see where I'm going from here.

-------------------------------------------------

Legend tells of of a town, just like one you may know. There was a hero known through out the land for his selflessness and his righteousness. But in times of great peril he sought help from a dark force to go against a greater evil, Cain. With the help of an unlikely accomplice, the hero took the Mark of Cain. The Mark turned our hero into a dangerous foe, scaring family and friends with his unpredictability. But our hero lost the fight against the evil Metatron and died. In a turn of events our hero rose from the grave, but he was not the same person. His eyes black as night and powers beyond anything anyone had ever seen. He began to burn and pillage anything he could find in the name of destruction. His friends and family chased him down into an abandoned house in the woods. With the help of divine intervention everyone in the house was trapped. As our hero lives with the Mark he will fall deeper and deeper into the darkness, farther from his humanity. His brother has a cure, but fears what our hero is capable of. Our hero hides alone in the house, isolating himself from those he cared for most. Only true love could tame him and bring back his humanity. But who could ever love a beast?

-

Did I think I was still going to be in this tiny town after I graduated college? No. But here I was. In the same tiny room, in the same tiny house, in the same tiny town. I suppose it would have to do until I found a job I didn't despise and made enough money doing side jobs so I could leave this place. My father and I shared this tiny house. One bedroom, one bathroom, one basement. I was given the office space in the house for my room. It was small and crowded, but I had to say it had its perks. Well, more singular: perk. One entire wall was bookshelves to house my many, many books. Majority fiction. If I couldn't have adventures on my own, I would join other characters on theirs.

I had woken up, fifteen minutes before my alarm, as usual. My dad said it was from stress, but I wasn't really stressed too much. Not really. The only thing that stressed me out was the fact that I was going into town for the farmer’s market and I wanted to avoid two certain individuals. I got dressed, I had been going for a more boho vibe lately, so today it was a long, floral skirt, black T-shirt, and some slip on sneakers. It was still warm out so I wanted to take advantage of it. Late September weather was unpredictable. The local weather station was talking about snow in the coming weeks and I really wasn't prepared for that to start.

I grabbed my large flannel bag and made my way too the kitchen. Dad was leaning against the counter, reading the local paper.

"Morning, pops." I called, "Any spicy gossip?" Small towns meant gossip was put into the newspaper, which I couldn't decide was terrible or not considering everyone knew about it anyway.

"Oh you bet, there's two sections worth of business about the monkshood going missing all over town. Which... I don't see how that's relevant." He said, taking a gulp from his coffee.

"Sounds like the resident werewolf was having none of it." I joked. Then something caught my eye, cupcakes on the counter.

"Oh did someone get a special delivery?" I winked, bumping hips with him. His face went red, he started scratching his beard to distract himself.

"Uh na- oh yeah. Mrs. Barber dropped them off this morning. Said she had some left over from the bake sale at the high school." He lied.

"It's Ms. Barber, dad. And she definitely has a thing for you. Why don't you give her a wink every once in a while?" I said, leaning over and taking one from the tray.

"Oh I don't know..." He said. Ever since mom left us, he's been nervous about getting back into the dating scene.

"Just sayin'." I shrugged and made my way out the door.

"What's the cupcake for? It's 10am?" He called as I shut the door. The cupcake was for our mail man. The man had an incredible sweet tooth. He was a huge patron of the bakery. And right on time, here came the mail truck. The only mail truck at our post office.

"Hey Gabe!" I smiled as he parked. He got out, smoothing back his brown hair. He had a smile that was contagious.

"Hey there, (Y/N). Is that for me?" He pointed to the cupcake in my hand.

"Of course, anything for my favorite messenger." He chuckled, taking it and replacing my empty hand with our mail.

"You spoil me." He smiled and took a bite. "So uh, where ya off too?" He leaned against the front end.

"Farmer's market and the library."

"So veggies and the same book you always get?" He said, licking his fingers of frosting.

"I don't need your judgement." I rolled my eyes, starting to make my way towards town.

"Thanks again!" He said, getting into his truck and continuing on his route.

I waved back, making my way past the neighboring houses and into the heart of town. The whole town was out and about. Everyone I passed seemed to look and whisper, it was the reality we lived in. I was the girl whose mom left without a trace. I was the girl who lived in her own little world of books and fantasies. I was different and odd compared to everyone else. But that was okay... Or at least that's what I keep telling myself.

The main Street was blocked off for the market. I crossed the street and pushed open the door to the library. It was a small shop, there were a few shelves and a register. In the back corner was a reading nook with a soft recliner chair that I knew very well and probably had my butt print in it. After I set my last read in the return box, I made my way towards the section I was looking for. The book had no title and no author, just a single rose on the front. I think that's what drew me to it. It was a story about a guy and girl who meet and she doesn't realize that he is her true love. I could quote this book, it was my favorite. Far off places, daring sword fights, magic spells, a prince in disguise. I held it close to me and moved towards the front where the librarian sat. He was an older man, a little odd looking but didn't seem like he could do any harm. He had told me his name was Met. A little strange but who was I to judge. He was hunched over on the desk, looking down through the glasses at the end of his nose. Met said he had read every book in the library more that 5 times which is why I think we got along.

"Good morning, Met." I greeted him, setting the book and my library card on the counter.

"That book again?" He said, not even looking up from his book.

"I can't help it. It's my favorite." I grinned, I couldn't wait to get my hands on it again.

"You know what? Just keep it. No charge." He said, looking up at me with a knowing look in his eyes.

"What? No, I couldnt-" I started. I hated that I was refusing but I just couldn't take it.

"I insist. You've read that book more than I have, which is saying something. I know you'll give it a good home." He smiled. I took the book and hugged it close.

"Thank you, thank you so much." I gushed, carefully sliding the book in my bag, "I'll see you around!" He waved as I left the shop, a new spring in my step.

-

There were the usual crowd in the market. The baker, the various farmers and Crafters. I made my way, stall to stall, chatting and picking up a few things. I preferred shopping this way, I could help out the community and get fresh produce, win win. The only issue was I accidentally made eye contact with the town pretty boy, Michael and his goon Zach.

Michael was the town hero. He was a good hunter and all around charmer. He was tall, dark, and handsome. Meaning every girl in town was in love with him. Except me, considering that I think getting by on your looks and being macho wouldn't be a great match for me, who finds more attraction in personality and, well, a brain. He and his goon Zach were odd friends, considering Zach looked like he was old enough to be Michael's father. Michael had this odd obsession with the fact that I wasn't obsessed with him. I had heard from the rumor mill that he had a crush on me and no thank you.

I quickly darted through the crowd, hoping he couldn't follow. I circled back towards my house. But as soon as I made it to the drive way:

"Hello, (Y/N)." Michael said, he was laying on the charm early this time. He was also, right behind me. I turned, holding onto my bag.

"Hello, Michael." I smiled stiffly. If I kept things short, maybe he would go away.

"Listen, I was thinking that we should go back to my place and talk. I havea few things I would like to dicuss." I clicked my tongue, stepping away from him.

"Maybe another time. I have to help my dad with a few things."

"Heh, that guy needs all the help he can get!" Zach laughed.

"Hey! Don't talk about my father like that!" I shouted, rolling up my sleeves to punch this dick a new one when Michael stepped forward and punched Zach in the shoulder, "Yeah, don't talk about her father that way!" He turned back to me, "Now, I know how you feel about me."

I raised an eyebrow, "You could not possibly have a clue." I continued, "Listen, I gotta go, nice talking to you, bye!" I hurried inside, making sure to lock the door behind me. I set my bag on the counter, carefully placing items in their places when I spotted a note on the counter.

Gone to the old house in the woods. Be home for dinner.

Love Dad.

Dad renovated old houses and made them new. He was just the run of the mill Property Brother, without the twin and real estate practice. The house he was referring to was this huge mansion that was in the woods. It used to be the home of this really rich guy back in colonial times, like pre-America. The guy never had any kids so it was just left to be abandoned and rot. Some people said it was haunted, but who would want to haunt that place? It was falling apart.

I shrugged and went about my day as usual. I made a snack from the delicious apples I got, read a little, tidied up around the house, and made dinner. But... Dad was late. Sure, he had been home late before but never this late. A hour turned into hours. I tried his cell phone but it just went to voice mail each time. So there I was anxiously sitting at the table, my foot about to wear a hole in the carpet from how much it was shaking. I just kept refreshing my messages, hoping that he would text me saying he was late or stuck somewhere.

"That's it." I stood up and gathered my things. I shoved the first aid kit, my phone, and a few other things in my bag before making my way to the garage. It was a two car garage, one spot for dad's work truck and another for my 1999 Thunderbird, a car that definitely did not live up to its name. I started the car, opened the garage and left, almost not pausing to close it.

It was just getting to be dusk, the sky was just beginning to fade to night when I got to the house. When I pulled up the long, winding driveway, far off the road, I saw dad's truck. I opened my door and looked around the car. Maybe he could have slipped and knocked himself out.

"Dad?" I called, looking around. His took box wasn't in the passenger seat, meaning he was probably inside. Holding my bag tightly by the strap I got closer. In the time it had taken to get here, it had chilled significantly. I really should have grabbed a jacket. The house was... Menacing to say the least. The white faded paint was chipping off, the columns on the front porch were near collapse. The wooden stairs creaked as I made my way up to the ajar door.

"Hello?" I called, peaking me head inside. I used my phone flashlight to look around. There was graffiti on the walls from kids who really should take an art class. Their pentagrams could use some work. There was stuff strewn all over. Lots of papers and other things.

"Dad?" I called again but cursed myself when I heard creaking. I am literally that girl in every horror movie. Let's go to the haunted house and call out to someone and then get straight up murdered. I am literally so stupid. I silently crept closer to the stairs, they probably led down to the basement.

"(Y/N)?" I heard dad's voice echo from below.

"Dad!" I called back, rushing down the stairs. As I got lower, the atmosphere seemed to change from a old house to almost a bunker. Metal lined the stair case as I went down further and further.

When I made it to the bottom I looked around in shock. This place was practically brand new. Hardwood floors, nick knacks lining the shelves. There was a kitchenette in the corner with a white marble island.

"(Y/N)!" Dad called again, the sound coming from a narrow hall that led to a bookshelf. I could hear my dad calling from behind it.

"Grab a book!" He shouted.

"A book? What does that-" I started grabbing books, pushing them away to see a door but instead, when I grabbed a copy of Arabian Nights there was a low groan from the wall. I took a step back as the wall swung back to reveal a secret room. It was a circular concrete room and as soon as I walked in goosebumps rose on my arms. Dad was tied to a chair in the middle of the room.

"Dad..." I ran up to him, "Oh thank God you're alright! What happened? Who did this?" I said, moving around him to get at the ropes.

"We gotta get out of here, kid, this guy isn't human. He'll kill us both." He whispered. What kind of an asshole takes a nice guy like my dad and locks him up? A psycho, that's who. My dad coughed, it was wet and loud and too much for my liking.

"God, it's freezing in here, you're going to get sick." I said, finally starting to loosen the ropes.

"Well, well...." I froze at the new voice. It was deep and cocky sounding, "Look what the cat dragged in." I stood up to face this guy. He was just Out of view of the light, all I could see were his nose and the smirk on his face. He was wearing a red button down, dark jeans and boots.

"Look, I don't know who you are or what you want but we don't have anything to give. Please, he's getting sick, you can't keep him here." I pleaded, holding my dad's shoulder to keep up this confidence I was trying to portray.

"What he deserves, breaking into my place, snooping around." The stranger said, crossing his arms over his chest.

"He was just doing his job, this house is abandoned!" I shouted, taking a step forward.

"Baby, please..." Dad whispered urgently, "Just go, it's me he wants, don't let yourself get wrapped up in this."

"I can't leave you here, I won't." I said, crouching down and holding his hands. They were so cold and I could feel him shaking. Dad's eyes were so dull, his teeth were chattering.

Rage built up in my chest as I stood to meet the stranger again.

"Who do you think you are, keeping him here like this?" I spat, "Come into the light, coward."

"(Y/N)!" My dad shouted in a warning voice. The stranger only chuckled and shook his head. He stood up from where he was leaning on the door frame and took a step forward. My jaw tightened and my eyes widened. The only thing I could focus on was his eyes. They were pitch black. No pupil, no Iris, just black. I quickly recovered my glare and stood my ground, even as he came close to me. He smelled off, like rotten eggs. On his arm there was a strange mark that seemed to glow red. In his hand he held a odd weapon. It was the jaw bone of some type of animal attached to a handle. There were even teeth still attached.

"And what do you intend to do with that? Club me until it breaks?" I smirked, again that confidence I was trying to portray. But was intimidation the right choice in this situation? I didn't care. He seemed like another smug asshole that could get whatever he wanted from his looks whoever or whatever he was.

He hummed under his breath, lifting the weapon to his open palm. He dragged it down, and I watched it slice open his palm. But as soon as blood appeared from the cut, it disappeared as if it healed itself.

And confidence gone.

"Look, sweetheart, this isn't about you. But you're doing a number on my patience. So get the hell out." He motioned to the door.

I looked at the door, then back to my father. I couldn't leave him here. No matter how much this guy scared me. I had no other choice.

"Let my dad go, I'll take his place." I said quickly, "Do whatever you want, just let him go."

"No! I won't let you do this." Dad said, leaning forward to struggle.

"I won't let you rot down here. Let me do this." I couldn't look at him in the eye.

The stranger took my chin in his hand, making me meet his eyes, the black void of nothingness. It made me think of death and despair.

"You sure about this?" He asked, he lowered his voice, "You sure you want to take his place?"

I nodded, "Please, let him go." I whispered, my voice was on the verge of shaking. The stranger grinned and let go of my face. He went around my dad with the weapon, in a quick slice, the ropes fell away. He grabbed my dad by the shirt, lifting him from the seat and pulling him to the door.

"Don't hurt him!" I shouted.

"I'll come back for you, (Y/N), I'll get help!" Dad called, his voice fading as the hidden door shut behind them.

Oh God...

I slowly sat on the chair, the dread setting in.

"What have I done?"

---------------------------------------------------

NEW SERIES - You will never guess how it ends. 

Reblog if you liked it, likes work too.

Read part 2 here!

Requests are open and the fandoms I write for are listen in the bio. 

Taglist: (shoot me an ask if you want to be tagged)

@happy-little-marvel

@hobby27

@somebodyto-love

@beanie-beebo 

[stereksecretsanta]

Merry Christmas, @PrincessaBitchessa!

Hello hello! I got a bunch of the things you asked for and, like my previous two works, this is completely stupid fluffy goodness and I hope it'll put a smile on your face! Merry Christmas!

Read on AO3

*****

Infamnia

The money lasted longer than he thought it would, but not long enough to get out of the dog house of all the debt from medical bills and the mortgage. Stiles didn’t know what to do, how to find himself out of the zeroes and commas and the red ink on the envelopes, until he remembered the letter inside the safe his father set aside before he was killed. He pulled it out from where he’d locked t away, wanting nothing to remind him of what took the better part of two years to even partially come to terms with.

The blue-lined paper still had the frayed edges from where it was torn from a notebook, and the penmanship was as dicey as his father’s ever was.

Stiles I’m so sorry you have to read this letter. But since you are, let me say that whatever happened to me was not your fault. It wasn’t, Stiles, and if you’re blaming yourself I’m going to haunt your scrawny little ass. Don’t. There’s more that I want to say than I can ever put into paper, but this is held securely in the safe specifically because this information is extremely confidential.

If you’re ever in trouble, if you need money, protection, a job, anything, you give the following number a call, and ask for whatever Hale is in charge. You tell them you’re John and Claudia Stilinski’s son. They’ll take care of you. Whatever you find out about me, about what I did and what I accepted, know that it was to protect the town. From what it didn’t want to know about. They owe me a debt, one that I saved for you.

Love you, kid

Dad

Stiles’ bony fingers trembled slightly as he held the paper, mulling over the words as if this was the first time he’d read them. In truth, it was the first time he ever was really taking in the meaning. While he wasn’t sure if he wanted to know what exactly whatever you find out about me, about what I did meant, he would maybe check this out before selling foot pics.

Phone in hand, he tapped a pen on his knee, waiting for someone to pick up. Pick up pick up pick up pick u- THANK YOU.

“You’ve reached Beacon Hills Wildlife Preserve Management, how may I help you?” Secretaries all had this extremely creepy customer service voice that was robotic. Every one of them had the same voice.

What in the flying technicolor fuck was the Beacon Hills Wildlife Preserve number doing in this bizarrely ominous letter? This couldn’t be real. “Uh, could I talk to whoever’s in charge?” He sounded so lame. He could hear himself sounding so incredibly lame.

“May I ask for the purpose of your call so I can route you to the correct person?” The woman’s voice indicated that she could hear his lameness.

“Uh, I got bills I need to pay and I need help, I was told to call the number.”

“I’m sorry, we have no open positions at this ti-“

“Wait, wait wait, can I speak to the, uh, Hale in charge?” He remembered there was a name in the letter, maybe the name would help.

“Transferring your call now.” The voice cut directly to a hold tone. Well, that got him instant results.

The pen tapping his knee increased in speed as he waiting for someone to pick up the phone.

----

“This is completely insane.” Talia Hale rubbed her temples, a headache coming on. The fae wanted to move their court to the Preserve, even though that would not only effectively shut down anyone else trying to use the land. Some true galaxy-brain level genius released no less than five wolpertingers into the forest and now every one of her soldiers was out hunting goddamn flying jackalopes. And now, this.

“We have to do something, though.” Laura stood in the middle of the room, arms folded. “They won’t just stop here. Jerry’s bloodthirsty, and he wants a werewolf with an apple in his mouth on his Christmas dinner table.”

“Not it.” Peter said, because it was the most inappropriate thing that he could possibly say. He felt the eyes of the ladies staring at him, and decided not to acknowledge it. “Would you prefer nose game?”

“Thank you for your contribution.” Unhelpful ass. Talia stood, looking at the map of the preserve on the center table in the room. The lines marked out territories, the fenced off areas for endangered species, paranormally important spots, the Nemeton of course, everything of relevance. And right on their eastern border was a brand new Argent Armory establishment. How they got clearance for that when California had some very impressive gun laws was beyond her. The local lines had been redrawn and somehow those French-blooded fucks had gotten the ordinances to allow a firing range. Which would allow them to have a massive store house of guns and ammunition right there, so they could plan to clean house.

“Can we claim it’ll disturb the birds?” Laura offered. “It must, right?”

“Maybe. But you know the people love their guns. And don’t care about birds.” The phone started ringing across the room. “I’m more worried one of em will gun down a wolpertinger and then I’ll have way too many questions to answer.” The door opened brusquely and a young man strode in, looking cross as ever, throwing the body of a rabbit-quail-deer looking thing on Talia’s desk. “Number three.” He was slightly out of breath, looking at the body like it had personally called him a bitch. “And maybe they won’t shoot wolpertingers, but someone definitely did fucking shoot me.” He yanked off his coat and, yep, that was a bullet wound on his shoulder.

Laura poked it, just to hear him yell at her. Cain instinct.

“Stop it.” Talia gently smacked Laura’s hand. “You see who did it?”

“Y’even need to ask?” He snapped. He watched Gerard Argent smile and wave just a little from his property line, walking back as calm as he pleased at the edge of the woods. The bullet wasn’t wolfsbane, but in a way that was even worse. A wolfsbane bullet would at least do something. It would kill him, yeah, but it was a purpose that had a ‘reasonable’ point. The point of this mundane bullet was just to piss him off. And it was working.

“Will someone answer that phone?” Talia asked, fussing over her wounded boy.

---

Stiles sat in the office of the BHWPM headquarters, with a cup of coffee in his hands. The woman in front of him had introduced herself as Talia Hale, and given that two of the children in the room had the same severe cheekbones, dark hair, and piercing stare like they could see right into his bone marrow, he was fairly certain they were her children. They were attractive in the exact way that terrified him, which was probably not a good thing, because that was definitely his type. “Your father has done a great deal for us over the years, we are happy to help you now in payment for the help he gave you. Is it money you need?” Talia asked, looking over the young man. While not unkempt, there was something in the rakish hair and the unpressed shirt that said he might not be doing so well.

“A job would probably be better, I’ve been trying to get further in the FBI, but-“ He shrugged, not keen to detail his psychiatric history to people he didn’t know. “That’d be more of a help than a one-time get-outta-debt free card.”

“The FBI?” Talia asked, looking at him with new eyes. “Do you know what your father did with us, exactly?”

Stiles was entirely clueless. “I’m....guessing he helped clear drunk hooligans outta the preserve?” Stiles was definitely not the drunk hooligans ever, shut up. “Nah, I’m guessing he helped you hide bodies, smuggle people, and/or doctored police records for Scary One and Scary Two over there, and instead of taking bribes he took it on future favors.” The vibe in this room was way too Corleone for it to not be some undercover operation.

While the woman’s expression didn’t shift even at the comment to her own children, something in her eyes imperceptibly altered. Something a bit like amusement, or interest. “Would you want a job with someone who would do those kinds of things?”

“If my dad thought it was a good thing to do, it must have been for damn good reasons. I’m willing to find out.

“Derek, why don’t you take Stiles to get a proper suit. If he’s running with us, we need him looking the part.” Talia said with a smile. “And get him a proper gun.”

Scary Two: Tall Dark And Terrifying stepped forward and walked Stiles out the door without a word. He could work with that, and hey, any excuse to ogle the boss’ kid, right?

-----------

And Stiles thought those little fuckin wolpertingers were bad.

This was, in fact, infinitely worse.

He sat next to Derek in their little foxhole, only yards away from the Argent stronghold. Apparently Cora, the last piece of the Hale puzzle, and the so-described baby of the family, was inside. Who the fuck steals a baby, Stiles thought. And every one of them was ready to go utterly feral to get it.

Feral being both the operative word and unsettlingly accurate, as it turns out, with his boss lady on all fours and snarling at the people lobbing smoke grenades at them. Derek had his fangs out and everything, but luckily said nothing about how clearly Stiles wanted to climb him like a slightly more angular pine.

Because werewolves. Of course werewolves. Why wouldn’t there be werewolves.

Stiles popped out of the foxhole and nailed one of the Argent soldiers directly in his face, giving a startle to the others behind the line and giving an opportunity.

Stiles didn’t run out first, everyone else could go first and get shot at, he didn’t really want to catch any of them. Instead, he snuck out and around the melee, getting his gangly ass right into their stronghold as Talia was probably ripping someone’s throat out. Ew.

Inside was warm, and a little off-beat. “Hey, Cora?! Where you at!” He hissed, gun drawn in case someone stayed behind. He snuck around, looking for where the baby would be. Make a sound kiddo, come on, something, Uncle Stiles didn’t have a super-sniffer equipped.

After poking around what felt like a century, he finally heard the whine of an itty bitty kid, and lo there the child was, adorable as a button. “Aw, heya kiddo, c’mere.” He picked up the child, humming a little to try and keep them calm as he now had the great joy of having to get out of there. With the kid. He walked the whole back-asswards way around to stay far enough away from gunshots and yelling, because if that baby started crying, both of their asses would be dead! And the werewolves could smell his and Cora’s cocktail of gross or whatever, they could track him down anyway and it would be fine! Cora was fine, he was fine, everything was Gucci.

Back at the headquarters, he started looking around for anything that would help the child, blankets or diapers or at least something. But there wasn’t even a car-seat or anything. Where were they keeping the kid if the whole family was there the whole damn time? Stiles sat in one of the office chairs, baby sleeping soundly on his chest, as he waited for the family to get back.

There was no calm awakening for either, as a foot blasted through the door of the wildlife preserve office, splintering it instead of opening it. The sound of the voice cursing was definitely Derek, and he busted it down properly, a slight girl’s arm over his shoulder and a quart or so of blood apiece on everyone.

“Stiles, where the fuck did you go, we-“ Derek halted his scolding when he looked at him.

“Shhhhh, you’ll wake Cora up!” Stiles hissed.

Derek blinked those stupid pretty eyes as he looked truly lost for words. “Stiles.”

“Yeah?”

“Where did you get a baby?”

“Whaddaya mean? In the stronghold, where you all said-“

“This is Cora.” He said, pointing to the unconscious woman he dragged in.

Oh. Baby of the family meant. Youngest sibling not. Actual infant. Huh.

Huh.

So then who exactly was he holding???

“Who the fuck steals a baby?” Peter asked,  pointing at the kidnapper.

Stiles looked at the child like it had turned into a 30 megaton nuke.

Talia sighed. “Stiles.”

“Yes’m.”

“....Laura, go get some formula and diapers. I’ll....ask around about the baby.”

----

Stiles didn’t get into the family business to actually start a family. This was not his intention in the slightest. But here he was, singing a very off-key Jurassic Park theme song he composed himself to a tiny baby girl he decided to call Izzy, after his suggestions of Katie, Smelborp, Stormageddon, Cirilla, and Dreamsmasher were all shot down.

Derek walked in, and stood next to Stiles, hands out, offering to take the kiddo. Derek shouldn’t be allowed to dress down ever in Stiles’ presence, because the thin tee and the sweatpants were doing far too many good things for him. Too much was on display.

“No. Mine. Go kidnap your own.”

Derek exhaled, which was as close as Stiles ever got to a laugh from him. “C’mon, you’re dead on your feet, you adrenaline crashed hours ago, and the kid’s not falling asleep anytime soon. Give her over, alright?”

“Mine.”

“I get it, I get it, you like the kid. But what happens when you get attached and we have to hand the kid back over?” Derek folded his arms, and it....hhough he shouldn’t be allowed to fold his arms either, what were those arms even??? It wasn’t fair. Stupid werewolf whatever magic bullshit.

“Give her back?” Stiles asked, offended by the suggestion. No, they were not giving Isabel back, no no no, not happening.

“Yes, give her back. Do you think you can just keep her here forever? The Argents might burn the whole preserve down if this is one of their daughters. You don’t have a birth certificate for her, even.”

“Shhhhhh stop saying sense words.”

Derek slipped his arms in and yoinked the baby before Stiles could react, but as soon as the baby was nestled against him, Stiles didn’t have the heart. Derek looked hot as hell all the time, but that, with the light from the lamp bouncing off of his face, and even a smile? He was beautiful. “There, was that so hard?”

“Yes. Give her back.” But Stiles wasn’t trying to take her back, he knew in a battle of strength he wasn’t going to win that. Unless it was strength of will, that he could go toe-to-toe with any of them. Stiles sat in one of the chairs, ready for a long night ahead of him, watching Derek pace softly in socked feet around the room.

With Izzy settled in a makeshift crib, Derek sat in another chair, rubbing his eyes that were still dusted with gunpowder and smoke from the fight. Cora was up and running again, talking things over with Talia and Laura, his job was to watch the baby. And Stiles, though they came as a joint package.

Stiles fiddled with a fraying end of the chair. Ever since he joined the family months ago, he didn’t ask any of the specifics of what his father did, but he was curious. “You know what my dad did, exactly, to get this kind of treatment for me?”

Derek looked up. “You sure you want to know?”

“Yes.” Stiles had stolen a baby he wasn’t exactly king of the moral high ground that day.

Derek sighed, thin mouth pressed so tight it was almost one dimensional. But something in his mind must have won out, that Stiles deserved to know, so he told. About how he was fifteen, with a girlfriend, and given some frankly terrible advice from Peter, that ended up getting her in a bad way, and Derek had to snap her neck. It was a mercy kill, but that was a dead girl’s body, and any whiff of that reaching the public would ruin Derek’s life forever.

Talia and Claudia had been friends for years, so when Talia asked for John to come to the preserve, no lights no sirens, for a favor, she made a leap of faith that John wouldn’t betray her family. But he didn’t. John fixed the autopsy results to show she was hit by a car, fixed everything up so she was mourned by her family in the normal way for a tragic death, and no one was the wiser that Derek had killed her.

Stiles was silent for a long time after that. Derek thought he’d fallen asleep, but finally Stiles spoke. “He did the right thing. He warned me, you know, that he did and accepted some things I might not like. But that’s....that’s not what happened.” They looked at each other for a moment, the quiet intimacy of secrets laid bare broken by the sound of a stirring baby.

“Aw c’mon Izzy, please just sleeeeep.....be a good lil Mafia princess for me, huh?” Stiles begged, getting up.

“We’re not the Mafia!” Derek objected.

“You wear suits, you talk about the family business, you run a front organization to alter cashflow, just cause you’re wolves doesn’t make you not-Mafia.”

----

“She’s a spark.” Talia announced to the collected family, Izzy playing with the square in Derek’s suit pocket.

“Shiiiiit, where’d they get one of those?” Peter asked, side-eyeing the little one. Someone snapped at him about his language choices, but it didn’t matter, as he would continue to do what he wanted. Stiles didn’t care for Peter too much in general, but after hearing what happened with Derek and Paige, he was not exactly feeling it.

“Explanation for the newbie?” Stiles asked with a raised hand.

“Spark, you know, magical talent. Some channel it into Druidism, some channel it in other magical schools of thought, that kind of thing. They become our emissaries, or...if the Argents raise one up from the ground, a devastating weapon.” Laura explained, looking at Isabel with a look more concerned and less suspicious.

“Oh, you mean like this?” Stiles snapped both sets of fingers, and a shot of electricity arced from one thumb to the other.

Every wolf in the room stared at him in utter silence for a solid ten seconds of uncomfortable quiet.

“Stiles.” Derek ventured the conversation.

“Yeah.”

“Why didn’t you tell us you could do that.”

“Didn’t ask.”

“Are you always this- never mind I know you are.” Derek shook his head.

Stiles grinned at being so well known, but the conversation was too serious for many jokes. “We’re not giving the her back to those unhinged fu- people, are we? She’s like me. Mine.”

“Well. That depends. If she was born to one of them, they are their child.” Talia wouldn’t like that if it were the case. “But, the fact that the police haven’t knocked on our door tells me that either they think we’ll kill the kid if they do, or they have no better right to her than anyone else. I think it’s the latter. However, they’ll bring their whole force against us to get her back. If we had John-”

Stiles froze at the mention of his father’s name, but said nothing more.

“If we had John, we would definitely be able to sort her paperwork out. But we don’t. We need to find a new contact in the police that can arrange us those papers. Until we get that, Derek and Stiles, I want you both to take her into the vault with everything you need to last a week with her. You’ll be safe there. Any questions?”

Stiles raised his hand again. “Is there wi-fi in the vault?”

---

There was no wi-fi in the vault.

There was also no cell service either, which meant no Netflix, which meant no video games, no Youtube, nothing to amuse him. And it was only two days in. He had nothing. Except for, of course, annoying Derek. At least Derek was very generous in this.

“Twenty questions.”

“No.”

“I’m thinking of....a noun.”

“No.”

By four days, Stiles had run out of annoyances and had drifted into just mindlessly babbling at Izzy, while Derek’s forehead wrinkles got worse and worse with every minute that his brain cells slipped away.

On the sixth day, Derek finally decided to play ball. Either Stiles had worn him down enough, or maybe the two bottles of whiskey were going to help him cope.

“Truth or dare?” Stiles offered, smile with as he took the offered booze.

“Only because I don’t have a deck of cards. As a warning, never play Laura in King’s Cup, she has never lost a game and given me alcohol poisoning three times.”

“How does the whiskey even work on you, Mr. Healsalot.”

“Is Healsalot the best you can do?”

“Shut up.”

“It’s actually a bit of halite. Disables werewolf abilities while in close proximity, if something happens I toss it away as quick as possible and I’m good in, I’d say a minute or so with this level of exposure. Cora had a couple day’s worth, which is why she was knocked out.”

“Gotcha.” At least it made as much sense as anything else these weirdo furries got up to. Once each had downed a respectable amount of alcohol, they could begin. “Alright, truth or dare, big guy.”

“Dare.”

“Dare you toooooo.....fuck never mind there’s nothing fun to dare you with in here. These are all your family’s valuables and shit how am I supposed to dare you to dress up in Auntie Myrtle’s wedding dress and sing Poker Face on video for my own personal blackmail?”

“Truth, then.”

“You like guys?”

Derek stared at the directness of the question. “Subtle, aren’t we?”

“Literally never.”

“Okay. Sometimes.” Stiles didn’t look happy about the answer. “Why did you steal the baby?”

“I thought she was Cora!”

“You thought they wouldn’t have any sort of defenses around the hostage they’d taken from the werewolf family that they were fighting a turf war with?!”

“Shhhhhhh it’s fine it’s fine it all worked out right?”

“Did it? We’re hiding in a vault, that you have not stopped bitching about once since we came in here, and we might be giving her back, and even if we don’t, who’s going to take care of her?”

“Me.”

“You.”

“Moi. Yo. Io. You want it in any other language?”

“Polish?”

“Fuck you.”

“You wish.” Derek had something of a grin as he took another shot.

“Do you wish you could fuck me?” Stiles was getting bolder a couple shots in.

Derek took a moment to answer. “Sometimes.” Vague bastard.

“Oh? Like when?”

“Ah ah ah, my turn.” Derek took a swig, forgetting the dainty shot glass. “How many moles you got?”

“You wanna count em up?”

“Not an answer.”

“Over a hundred.”

Derek nodded, considering this thought as carefully as someone half-drunk really can. “Interesting.”

“Where do your eyebrows go when you shift?”

“How the fuck am I supposed to answer that question?”

“It’s your body, dude! How am I supposed to know how many moles I got when you don’t know where your friggin eyebrows go?!?!” Stiles’ limbs flailed as he gesticulated his exasperation.

“You’re gonna wake Izzy.” Derek warned. The baby was in another room of the vault so she could sleep while the adults could have their last-day-of-vaulting fun.

“Alright alr- wait, you called her Izzy.”

“No I didn’t.”

“Yeeeeeeees, yes you did you called her Izzy instead of the baby. You like her.”

“Shhh.”

“New question: do you like Isabel Stilinski-Hale, the new baby of the family?”

Derek chuckled, man he really must be drunk. “We’re hyphenating?”

“I found her so I get first billing, but like y’all took me in so like, I guess you can join. Whatever.”

“Yes, I like the kid. She’s pretty good for a baby. Only projectile vomited on me twice. That’s not bad.”

“She’s the best kid.”

“Do you really think you’re in a good place to adopt her right now in your life?”

“Nooooo stop with the serious questions.” Stiles whined. “Serious ones aren’t fun let’s get back to the flirty ones those were fun.”

“It’s my question.” Derek shrugged.

“If I stole you as a kid I’d name you Moodkiller the Great.”

“Is ‘the Great’ my last name or is ‘the’ my middle name, like Kermit.”

“God you’re such a fucking nerd.”

“You know, no, I’m not in like the...perfect spot. But who IS when they get a kid? And I got the magic thing, and she does, so like....I dunno, she’s got no one else, probably, so.....wouldn’t you guys help me?” Stiles’ big dark eyes looked so beautiful in the scant light of the vault. Derek’s kryptonite.

“Of course we would, don’t be stupid.” Derek mumbled, looking away.

“.....Isabel Stilinski-Haaaale you’re gonna come home with uuuuuuus.” Stiles grinned, getting his own way.

“Whose turn is it?” Derek asked, not sure where the game had gone.

“Mmmmmine. I think. Maybe. Does it matter?”

“Guess not.”

Stiles paused for a second, looking at the distance between them on the floor, the thought process unfolding before Derek’s eyes as he saw Stiles decide exactly how to ambulate himself closer. With a thud, Stiles flopped on top of him and they fell flat on the floor.

“Ow.”

“Oh shut up that didn’t hurt, you big baby.” Stiles wasn’t going to let Derek get another word in, pressing his mouth against his, clumsy and off-center and everything bizarrely fitting together despite everything.

Derek only let Stiles win that for a half a second, before pinning Stiles down to the floor himself.

----

Stiles’ hangover next day was legendary. The wakeup screaming baby was violence to his ears and Derek was disgustingly FINE and Stiles hated him so much except for the fact that he still wanted to make out with his stupid face. Once he got up off the floor maybe. Everything hurt. Ow.

“C’mon, dumbass, Mom and Laura showed up outside, they said we got the kiddo and gotta go fill out the paperwork at the station. Gotta tell the world she’s your girl.”

“Yeah.” Stiles mumbled a little, looking up at Derek with the baby on his hip. “Mine.”

[florrickandassociates]

TGF Thoughts: 4x05-- The Gang Goes to War

under the cut

This episode starts with Caleb and I don’t totally hate it. This means the writers are doing a good job with him so far. I’m surprised I feel that way considering I loathe the plot he’s here for. 

This is the first case heavy episode in ages and I have more thoughts on the fact that somehow the space from 6x19 has become military court than I do on the case. As always, that’s not to say it’s bad (tbh, this case was the exact right blend of simple and captivating it reminded me of old school TGW). It’s just to say I have literally nothing to add.

Lucca’s off to visit Bianca. She is still extremely uncomfortable with very wealthy people. 

Oh, a mention of babysitting! Kind of sad I’m surprised. 

I forgot to mention that this ep is on the shorter side, almost network length. Woo! 

Lucca describes her life as “I have a toddler. I’m trying to make partner.” Remember how last season either Lucca or Rosalyn (or MAIA hhahahahhahahaahahhahaahahahhahahahaahahhaahhaah) were going to be made partner and that plot just vanished?

Lucca says that of work, family, fitness, friends, and sleep, the three she’s chosen are work, family, and sleep. I believe it. Though we’ve seen Lucca exercise probably more than most TGF characters? But that was before she had a baby. 

If you leave your phone on while you’re on a plane and someone places a voice call would your phone actually ring? 

Marissa TOTALLY has a crush on Caleb.

Oh, a Francesca mention AND a mention of Lucca and Marissa being friends?! The continuity fairy likes me today!!!!!!!! 

Caleb threatens to quit (I think he knows he wouldn’t be taken up on that offer) unless Mr. Firth lets him take a month for this case. Come on, Caleb. This is TV lawyering. This case will take two costume changes and you know it! Months are a thing for real lawyers. 

Diane and Adrian aren’t in their offices, so when Firth finds a partner to assist on the military case (I do not understand why this is a thing he is doing in the first place, but alright), it’s Liz. How conveniently awkward!

(Adrian just isn’t in this episode-- he is apparently at a conference in New York-- and Diane is barely in it, and I’m fine with that. LET LIZ AND LUCCA SHINE!) 

(Liz and Lucca are my faves, if that wasn’t obvious.) 

Awkward awkward awkward, fucking your boss is very awkward. I hate everything about this plot in theory and yet somehow like Liz, Caleb, and maybe even the idea of Liz and Caleb, but every time I think about the boss/employee dynamic my only thought is: NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Liz’s divorce! Continuity fairy has blessed me again!

I do really like Caleb. 

I somehow almost turned that last thought into a rant about Maia and I’m not gonna do that to y’all in this Maia-free season.

Rich people are getting away with more shit in Julius’s court. He’s resigned to it, until he meets his alter-ego from the play again. I get that they want to use this device to show why he’d change his mind so suddenly but omfg please don’t remind me of the last episode. 

My first thought was “maybe that long ass episode was even longer and this is a cut scene” but Julius seems to be wearing a different tie in this scene than he was before. Oof.

JUDGE KUHN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I love Judge Kuhn. I think I said this last week but it isn’t often we get truly good, considered characters who want the best and actually take fair steps to see it happen. Judge Kuhn is great. 

And so is the actress playing her. Her expression as the seat shrinks-- which is some Kingsian bullshit-- makes the joke work. 

This episode relies a lot on that device Jane the Virgin loved where back to back scenes will be linked by a theme or a word. In this case, Julius and Liz/Caleb are both dealing with continuances. Yay for structure, even a simple case related structure!

“A sofa would have blown up here”... I can’t, y’all. “A conference table would have blown up here”. Is this a joke about coronavirus or a real need for more graphics or both? I lean towards it being a joke, but before I say that lemme play these credits side by side with last week’s… 

Okay so there are differences. Last week there was an aerial view of a wine bottle exploding while this week there’s a second one in the background. They replaced an exploding coffee set with the sofa text. There are some other differences too. But not enough to convince me they didn’t have footage they could have used. So I think it’s a joke.

Welcome back, season two Diane. I missed you, ya weirdo! 

(But like actually Diane is staring out the window at a bird, not doing anything or responding to questions. Why so weird?!)

Now that Diane isn’t hunting down answers on 618, she has “nothing to do.” Oh, suddenly no one in the world is in need of pro-bono assistance? Sure! 

Continuity on the SWATting, too! 

AND A WILL REFERENCE.This episode may be nothing special but it sure is endearing. 

Diane explains that Judge Kuhn is tough but fair and Will ended up liking her. That’s a pretty good summary.

Diane spots the woman who she dreamed was Weinstein’s lawyer in a meeting, drawing dots. Guess that’s one of the drawbacks of having windows everywhere. She chases her up the stairs to STRL and asks if they know each other because, and I quote, “I had a dream and you were in it. You were Weinstein’s lawyer.” HOW FUCKING WEIRD ARE YOU TRYING TO BE, DIANE? Are you microdosing again?! (This feels so season two.)

Props to this lady (do we know her name? Has it been said on the show) for taking that weird-ass comment in stride and joking she probably didn’t do very well. She needs a favor-- she has a case in front of Judge Cain and wants Diane to sit with her.

Diane asks about the dots. Apparently this lady draws-- and counts!-- dots. Hundreds of thousands of them. During meetings. Because it’s calming and nothing matters. See?! Season two! 

Lucca does get a little bit of work to do on vacation-- Bianca wants to buy the resort.

Case stuff happens.

Someone explain to me what the fuck this bright neon lighting in the office late at night is all about. Why is it so bright?! Why do the colors change!? Am I just supposed to accept this?! I suppose it’s no weirder than a woman who draws dots instead of taking notes-- and admits to it-- but WHAT IS HAPPENING?!

I know there is supposed to be some sort of parallel between the case having an element about disobeying your superior and the Liz/Caleb dynamic, but as you will recall, I hate everything about the boss/employee plot AND find it incredibly boring so if you would like to see analysis of that parallel… I’m not your gal. 

Oh look I can see the office bathroom of Willicia sexytimes in Liz’s office

My god this lighting is distracting. 

It sounds to me like Caleb is in the legal field for idealistic reasons. I can’t get a sense of if wanting the country to stay the same is liberal or conservative or admirable or misguided but it’s definitely something. (I have a feeling he means “stay the same” as in “return to 2016” though.) 

Since she has not been in the military, Liz worries out loud that she hasn’t lived much of a life. This leads to flirting and intimacy and another hookup. Bleh.

Creeper from Kurt’s office comes to visit Julius and compliments him while basically telling him to keep quiet and be corrupt. He promises Julius the chance to move up the ladder and implies Julius should rule in favor of some rich donor. 

Julius, who, like all characters on this show and maybe just people in general, does NOT like being told what to do, promptly does the opposite. And he feels really, really, really good about doing the right thing. 

Case stuff happens.

Lucca now gets invited to play poker with a bunch of millionaires and celebrities. Lucca is highly uncomfortable. The names of the celebs are bleeped which is… not as clever as I think it was meant to be.

Also I’d be uncomfortable in this situation too. I’m just ready for this plotline to go somewhere beyond “Lucca is uncomfortable with rich people”.

Recapping goes fast when most of the show is case stuff.

In another throwback, Diane (lit by the weird lighting) is watching what looks like a parody of SNL allowing 45 to host? Or maybe it’s just some unfunny bit that goes on too long? Odd target for a parody at this point in time.

Whatever the point, it prompts Diane to start drawing dots of her own. 

Lucca’s luck at the poker game is fantastic. Bianca encourages Lucca to keep her winnings-- she wouldn’t give back a stuffed animal or goldfish won with someone else’s money at a carnival, would she? 

Case stuff, now involving 45, happens. This is a missing season two episode, I swear. 

Wow lol those establishing shots and stock footage do NOT convince me that Lucca lives in Chicago. Nor do they convince me that anyone involved with the show has visited Chicago.

Case stuff happens! 

Another Lucca and Marissa scene! Lucca asks what to do about her poker winnings. Marissa says Lucca should keep the money because Bianca doesn’t need it-- get Bianca a gift if she feels guilty. 

Diane sits next to the seemingly nameless lawyer and they compare their dots. Unfortunately for Diane, the case she’s decided to sit in on as a favor? It’s another case in front of Julius, and it also gets 618’d. How convenient for the plot! When Julius doesn’t go for it, Diane is intrigued and reenergized. She boldly goes to Julius’s chambers to suggest trading info about 618.

No matter how many times I write “618” in the context of Memo 618 I still think 618 = Loser Edit. 

Case stuff happens! It’s good for Caleb and Liz! 

MALCOLM GETS MENTIONED BY NAME! CONTINUITY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Caleb and Liz continue the tradition of using meals as code for sex and now I have to watch them kiss. Pass.

Lucca gets Bianca a gift of a goldfish and a giant stuffed bear (a reference to their earlier convo about carnivals). Cute, but I still don’t quite get where this plot is going.

There’s a “Skye and Moon” logo on the plane. I wonder if that is the name of Bianca’s cosmetics empire.

Oh, it’s over. This episode was perfectly fine. Nothing challenging, nothing innovative, but a solid and enjoyable outing closer in length to the average TGW ep than the average TGF one. After last week’s long-ass episode, this is really all I wanted/needed.