#CRAZY I KNOW but if you dont like an aspect of a show enough

[reginamillls]

if you need a jumpscare warning for a character maybe you should just... not watch the show with them in it

[fxckn-sxck-fr]

omg hi if ur inbox is open can u give us a short blurb/your thoughts on or some kind of headcanon list for yan tim drake (romantic) bc ur interpretation of him is so yum🤤 i like how you rlly focus on more darker aspects of his character which i dont see a lot of ppl doing unfortunately bc the way he’s a complete FREAK LMFAO🫣🫣

𝐒𝐎𝐌𝐄 𝐘𝐀𝐍𝐃𝐄𝐑𝐄 𝐓𝐈𝐌 𝐃𝐑𝐀𝐊𝐄 𝐓𝐇𝐎𝐔𝐆𝐇𝐓𝐒…

!!! GN reader, mentally ill Tim, psychotic Tim, just Tim, he’s a problem, manic/depressive episodes, violent tendencies, suicidal tendencies, stalking, kidnapping, obsessive behaviors, gross ways to show affection, slight insinuation of pervy Tim, blood, mutilation, harm to reader mentioned, self-harm, severed body parts, drugging, gaslighting.

YAAAAYYYYYYYYY, TIM DRAKE TIME!!!! This is so long overdue. I’ve been meaning to write for him, but… it just hasn’t happened yet. I hope the ideas will start flowing after I get some of this off my chest. I’ve been harboring so many miscellaneous Tim thoughts for a while.

(Y’all. The CW on this just kept getting longer and longer. My bad.)

First thing’s first, Tim is a fucking mess. There’s no way to know for sure which version of him you’re gonna get each day. Maybe he’s going through a manic episode, coming up with batshit crazy schemes and going on about things that don’t make sense. Maybe he’ll then swing into a depressive fit, where he can’t even bring himself to get up from the floor. Maybe he wakes up completely fine after an hour long nap, regretting whatever initial brash decisions he made. Maybe he quickly turns violent at the sound of knocking at his door. Maybe he wants to claw his own arteries out after trying to maintain a normal social interaction.

The possibilities are endless! Which makes him extremely dangerous.

If you’ve caught the eye of Tim Drake… yikes. Good luck. There’s a chance you don’t even know who he is before he inevitably kidnaps you (completely on a whim, no less). Maybe you’re a total stranger he saw on the street once, captivating him and causing him to spiral into a twisted obsession. While I’ll defend Tim against the fandom allegations until my lungs give out, I’ll admit: they’re on to something when it comes to stalker Tim. Bro definitely has pictures of you covering every square inch of his walls. And, yes, it’s to the point where they overlap each other.

Kidnapping can take anywhere between 3 days and 3 years. During that time, he may try to weasel his way into your life in an attempt to win you over... though we all know how well that would go. As I’ve mentioned before, he may be attractive, but he’s such an off-putting person. Just being around him is enough to give you the creeps. And it doesn’t help he’s completely unaware of how weird some behaviors are. Tim... honey… you can’t shamelessly stare at people with a startling grin like that. I know you’re thinking about how much you want to lick your darling-to-be’s neck, but it’s weird.

Whether he attempts to interact with you or not, one thing’s for sure: he’s stealing your shit. Clothes, toothbrushes, half-eaten food, straws, whatever he can get his hands on. Don’t ask what he does with it. You don’t wanna know. Tim is a neeeaaaasty freak, to the point where even he thinks to himself, “what the fuck is wrong with me” after he calms down from a fit.

Oh, speaking of guilt, Tim is filled with that shit. He may swing from various stages of instability, but there are moments where he’s perfectly fine. And those are the moments where he has to grapple with the consequences of his own actions. Those can range from slightly scaring someone to causing irreversible damage. There have been many times where he snapped out of some episode with blood dribbling down hands and chunks of skin under his fingernails. Who did he hurt? Could be someone else, could be himself, could be you. Who knows!!

Let’s actually get into his suicidal tendencies a bit. His arms and legs are covered in scratches and cuts. Now, this could be explained by his vigilante life, but it gets harder to justify when you get to the bite marks at angles that only make sense if they were self-inflicted. Oh, and also the carvings of your name. He does that a lot. It’s like you’re with him everywhere he goes!! And kind of on the same note, he wants you to have him with you as well!! This could come in the form of strips of skin, vials of blood, toes, an eye, an ear, a spleen… just whatever he’s willing to cut off or out of himself in the moment.

His suicidal tendencies are also connected to those moments of guilt I mentioned before. After calming down and realizing what he’s done, he may harm himself as some sort of penance; especially if he’s done something to you. Depending on how far he spirals from his guilt, he may actually enact “an eye for an eye” (perhaps in the most literal sense) to help make up for what he’s done. Who knows, maybe he’ll replace missing pieces of you with his own. Will it work? No idea. Maybe a skin graph or two, but let’s hope you don’t have to find things out in the more extreme cases.

I think it’s important to keep in mind that Tim Drake is just generally fucked-up. “Normal” Tim doesn’t mean “completely well-adjusted” Tim, it just means he’s not acting on some manic or brash decision. Normal Tim would be fine with chaining or drugging you if he’s justified it to himself. As long as he’s not causing active physical harm to you, he probably won’t see anything wrong with whatever he’s doing in the long run. It’s for your own good, okay? Don’t worry, he’s gone through the possibilities and failsafes. Nothing bad will happen to you!

Unfortunately, manic Tim does not go through the possibilities and failsafes. Well, he kind of does, but the logic is far from realistic and runs in total circles. Whereas drugging you has a rational (fucked up, but still rational) reason behind it — to keep you immobile — filling your ear canal with cement takes some mental gymnastics. Manic Tim doesn’t want you to listen to anyone else. Solution? You can’t hear through concrete, right? At that point, you’re at the mercy of his mood swing RNG. Let’s hope he calms down enough to take a step back and really think about this. Hmm… filling someone’s ears with cement… probably not healthy. Wow. Silly Tim! He let himself get carried away, didn’t he? Whoops! There are more logical ways to keep you from listening to anyone else.

That’s where manipulation comes in. I mean, come on. Y’all know who his mentor is, right? Stable Tim is wicked good at manipulation. Huh? He’s acting weird? Well, he didn’t want to say anything, but he was actually thinking the same thing about you. Yeah, you’ve been kind of off lately… is there something wrong? You sure? You know he’s there for you, right? Okay, just making sure. A gaslighting king when he’s in the right headspace for it. Too bad his psychotic aura gives him away; he’d probably be really good at keeping up appearances if he just got medicated or something.

So… yeah. Just some Tim thoughts. What a charmer, amiright? I don’t think this one’s salvageable. No amount of therapy could ever fix whatever Tim’s got going on. Just throw the whole damn guy away. Start over. Your only hope of escaping him is the chance of someone on the outside realizing what’s up. Here’s to hoping Tim gets institutionalized before he does something really bad!!

[writersblockended]

Miguel O’Hara - HC

Warnings: no translated Spanish, other than that none??? Just fluff

Miguel O’Hara x reader

First of all that man is extremely romantic

He comes off as a serious man but did you see how he’s able to get bat shit crazy like he did for miles?

So he’s 100% capable of feeling intense emotions and SHOWS it. He’s got no problem with it

So he will shower you with gifts, sugar daddy style

One day you’ll see something in your closet or outside your door and think…I’ve never bought this before did i?

Honestly it didn’t take much to put two and two together, so you would just ask him about it

“Miguel, what did I tell you about buying me things, I’m not gonna have enough space for everything at some point you know?”

“I don’t dont know what you’re talking about.”

You’ll just roll your eyes, he’s never going to learn is he?

He is also jealous, but not controlling

He respects you and trusts you, but he doesn’t trust others

So if you’re in HQ to visit him and you find yourself talking to the different spidermen…

Hobie would be talking to you about politics and the importance of unions for workers, you would animatedly reply

And then walks Miguel…he saw you both and he knew you were going to surprise him

But he couldn’t help but feel jealous

Why couldn’t you go straight to him?

I think those feelings of jealousy come from his fear of losing people

You turn around and see Miguel, you smile

“Hey babe, cómo estás mi amorcito? Te quise sorprender pero ya veo que ya me viste”

“Hola, i see you two are talking, but that can wait. Ven contigo amor.”

You follow him to his lair (or rlly was is it …an office?)

And you go “okay what is it, did you need anything?”

“No, I just wanted you for myself.”

This makes you laugh, honestly Hobie is harmless and Miguel knows this. But he can’t help but feel threatened

He just wants you for himself really.

He’s also a huge cuddle bug, but he doesn’t show his affection in public. He doesn’t have an image to maintain doesn’t he?

At HQ he won’t kiss you unless everyone’s distracted, or he’ll have you sit on his lap while no one’s around.

Honestly it’s so easy to take naps while he’s working on things, those arms are quite literally pillows.

But at home? Oh my god, he’s like him stuck to your hair on a hot day

He will drop that persona and just simply attach himself to you and the nearest piece of furniture.

He will kiss you up and want to lay in bed so he’s fully on you

Sometimes he will fall asleep on you entirely, and he will wake up in the middle of the night panicking thinking he’s hurt you with his huge body

“No te hecho nada no mi amor? Fuck you should’ve told me I fell asleep on you babe”

“Oh my god Miguel you act as if you’ weight a ton, besides it’s no big deal”

He’s honestly such a worrier with you, he just wants you to be happy with him, so sometimes he will overanalyze every aspect of his relationship and you can see the gears turning everytime

Thats when you’ll reassure him and let him know he’s doing great, that he’s an amazing man who should not feel as if you are going to leave him. That simply won’t happen.

He also loved it when you take care of him, mostly bc he’s neglecting himself and it feels good to have someone do that for you u know?

If you give him a massage after a particular long day or tend to his wounds if he’s injured

He will just look at you with these loving glazed eyes and he will just melt under your touch

He acts tough but inside he’s like melted butter, softest guy you will ever meet.

He’s actually so emotional, he’s just good at hiding it

So if you guys argue, he’s upset and will look cranky at work

Once he gets home he sees you and your cold gaze and he will absolutely beg on his knees for your forgiveness, it makes you feel bad instantly, so you forgive him

All in all, your relationship with him is super stable and loving.

So yea this is me attempting to write after two years 😭🫣

Let me know if you guys like it cus idk I’m thinking of going back to writing fanfics and drabbles and all that good stuff ;)

Requests are open!!

[letsbangchanblog]

NSFW ABCs for THEO

Mature content: 18+ post! Minors, do not enter!!

Summary: NSFW ABCs

Idol: THEO from p1harmony

A = Aftercare (what they’re like after sex)

Theo is a brat and a tease but he is very kind during aftercare. You just do so well for him that he can't help but wanna baby you. Be prepared for a lot of praise and love. Theo knows he doesn't play fair so you deserve the world for putting up with it. 

B = Body part (their favorite body part of theirs and also their partner’s)

Theo loves his hands but more specifically his hands on you.  Your reaction has made him obsessed. 

He loves everything about you.  He won't pick. He thinks it's dumb because it's the whole combination. Your ass with that smile. He wants to destroy you (with love). 

C = Cum (anything to do with cum, basically)

He cums a normal amount but I think he wants to fuck a lot. If he's mad, you're fucking. If he's happy, you're fucking. He fucks for everything. He likes it messy too. He will only want to cum on you (until inside is approved). He doesn't mind you swallowing but never wants to make you since it looks so good on your face. 

D = Dirty secret (pretty self explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs)

I don't think he keeps secrets from you. He will tell you straight up his nasty thoughts. You make him feel safe enough to share his desires (they are super freaky). He needs  you to know how slutty he can be for you. He is a very private guy though so it's only for you. Not even the boys have an idea of how freaky he is. 

E = Experience (how experienced are they? do they know what they’re doing?)

I think he has very basic experience. He seems like the type to only fuck when hes in love. He is not into anything casual; he tried and hated it. He can't do his dirty desires with just anyone. 

F = Favorite position (this goes without saying)

Butter churner or anything good for deep penetration. He wants you to feel him in your guts. He is willing to try any position but will only remember the ones that both of you enjoy. He is HUGE TEASE. He will make fun of you during some. 

G = Goofy (are they more serious in the moment? are they humorous? etc.)

He is one that just sounds goofy sometimes. He will say some crazy shit and not even realize how dumb he sounds but it's low key hot. He doesn't want it to be humorous so if you laugh at something he said, he will make you regret it. 

H = Hair (how well groomed are they? does the carpet match the drapes? etc.)

I dont think he's consistent. He will be bare one time and full bush the next. He just doesn't care since it's natural. 

I = Intimacy (how are they during the moment? the romantic aspect)

He's not very romantic during sex (very romantic outside). He loves degrading you. He would remind you how much of a whore you are for him. Theo thinks being a whore for him is romantic, so maybe you would agree.

J = Jack off (masturbation headcanon)

I think he masturbates a lot. He's just a horny guy. You almost just expect it since it's a stress release for him. 

K = Kink (one or more of their kinks)

Dacryphilia but not from actual pain. He would be very devastated if you were crying from actual pain (even emotional pain). He just wants you to be very overwhelmed with pleasure that you can't help but cry. 

L = Location (favorite places to do the do)

Anywhere but must be private. He doesn't like sharing so he can't have anyone hear you.  It would only make him really mad at that person, not even you; however, he would make you feel like he was mad at you for being loud. He thinks nothing is actually your fault though. 

M = Motivation (what turns them on, gets them going)

Slut for moans and tears. You cry during sex and he's yours forever. He thinks you are soooo pretty. If you are pouty, he has to tease you. Call you a little cry baby for cock. 

N = No (something they wouldn’t do, turn offs)

Sharing of any kind.. no threesomes.. You are only his and he won't stand for anything else. He kinda gets mad when you show too much skin and will make you pay for it (he's only half serious, he just needs a reason to punish you).

O = Oral (preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc.)

Hardcore muncher. He will eat you out for hours but only in the form of edging. He wants to remind you HE controls your orgasms. 

P = Pace (are they fast and rough? slow and sensual? etc.)

Very rare when he is slow and sensual. Sweet sex is only for your birthday or anniversary (maybe after a romantic movie). 

Q = Quickie (their opinions on quickies, how often, etc.)

Um, you can probably convince him but he thinks it's too easy. He would rather have you give him head or finger you.  

R = Risk (are they game to experiment? do they take risks? etc.)

He's willing to try anything once but he's not very interested in losing control. He has to be the dominant one. He owns you sexually. For your birthday, you might be able to explore dominating him because he's extra romantic that day (being a whore is romantic!!!) 

S = Stamina (how many rounds can they go for? how long do they last?)

He literally would have you for days at a time. He never gets tired. He would have sex every day for the rest of his life but he knows it's not possible with how rough he can be to you.  He also wants you to beg for it. He wants to give it up but wont do it very easily. He wants you to become very desperate but he's so hot it's not hard.

T = Toys (do they own toys? do they use them? on a partner or themselves?)

He has a complex so I'm not sure. Maybe things like nipple clamps, whips, and such but no vibrators. He would rather pretend those don't exist for you. 

U = Unfair (how much they like to tease)

He is the KING of unfair. He wants to give in but it's so much fun watching you being a whiny mess. You really have to earn it in his eyes. 

V = Volume (how loud they are, what sounds they make, etc.)

Almost too quiet with moaning. He will talk your ear off but doesn't really moan (I know, tragic). King of dirty talk. 

W = Wild card (a random headcanon for the character)

Would tie you up and leave you in the corner blindfolded. He's mean sometimes. You have to beg so perfectly for him to finally touch you or acknowledge you.  

X = X-ray (let’s see what’s going on under those clothes)

He is above average but he thinks he is average. I would imagine there are times where it hurts after but he truly doesn't know or mean it. He wants to fuck you deep but not hurt you.  

Y = Yearning (how high is their sex drive?)

Boy is sex. Every day… you often wonder why he is never satisfied but he blames you for being tasty. It's honestly your fault; you created the monster. 

Z = Zzz (how quickly they fall asleep afterwards)

His complex gets him here too. He won't allow himself to fall asleep. You have to sleep before him.  It's only fair. 

(If you haven't caught on, his heart is a soft dom, but his ego is a hard dom; he loves you so much and makes sure to show it everywhere else in your relationship)

[thatdeadaquarius]

hi! quick tip: if you’re on mobile type ‘:readmore:’ then hit enter! i dunno if you’ve been told but. yeah :)

also, your recent piece on apd was incredible!! very nice to see representation!! keep up the excellent work <3 it did get me thinking though: reader with vocal stims, cementing it in the acolytes’ minds that you don’t speak the language of teyvat, and then you’re all just stuck in this loop of “oh man they don’t speak the same language of me” but they DO

if asks are closed or this is outside of your comfort zone then feel free to delete! have a lovely day <3

AHFJLAKLOSUDBABWB U FELT REPRESENTED YAY!!

A cookie for thee, and also extra for telling me how to do Expand thingy on mobile ilysm 🤲🍩🍪✨️ (pspspsps all askers,, u get cookies,,cometothedarksidepspspspspsss)

I was so worried bc it wasnt like super all the aspects of Apd issues, and it was very based on my personal experience w/ similar symptoms + other bits of ppl's experience so i was hoping it still felt somewhat recognizable for ppl w/APD!! Tysm for the feedback :D

NOTE ABOUT VOCAL STIM DEPICTED:

So i think ive experienced verbal stims, so this is a combination of others shared experiences + personal experience, and while everybody experiences things individually/their own way, please let me know if there is something obviously inaccurate/maybe even offensive.

You will definitely not make me mad or otherwise offended, I really want to hear that kind of feedback from others who vocal stim!

Thank you so much for reading! :)

___________________♡_____________________

So lets just say that ur vocal stims r pretty non-verbal or non-sensical ("her sister was a WITCH BRO-" like memes that dont make sense to them)

Or like, u have verbal stims that r actual language but they dont hang around long enough to hear it maybe ??

♤

So like, this ends up happening

Chongyun was exploring near Qingce village for supernatural stuff as usual

And U were just vibin, chillin near Qingce village livin ur best Creator god cottagecore life

And ur like planting a new seedbed, Jueyun Chilis :) (bc jfc however bad it was to collect them in game, its 10x worse in person, ur tired of running around town getting chilis, Qingce isnt exactly flat 💀)

♡

And every seed u put in the dirt ur like "boop!"

And Chongyun comes by, bc u at edge of town, and the villagers mentioned a strange new traveler settling here

He immediately feels a wave of that same feeling he used to feel when the Creator god had their eyes on him, or would assist him in battles

So poor boy almost overheats trying to climb up the hill to ur house

And is like "??...Creator??"

Then kinda stops bc ur just like-

"Boop!" "Boop!" "Boop!" ☺️ LMAO

And then u finish planting seeds, get the watering can,,

And everytime u pour it just-

... "EJACK! Come, water!"

(Ur saying it so fast too, and he's still somewhat farther away, so he cant rlly hear that well too)

...

..

And its just so incomprehensible to Chongyun he's deadass like "A DIFFERENT LANGUAGE??!"

So of course,

He waves, 👋

And ur like omg icy boy!! :D 🧊💙

But u dont say anything yet, and then he starts,, miming?? He points at u? Then like?? Points up? The sky?? Then like, mimes swinging his claymore???

(ARE U THE CREATOR??!!)

U look up, very confused 🧐

He seemes frustrated.

Then he just kinda, bows and leaves?

...

...oh no.

Do Teyvat people speak that crazy language that u saw in game?

Instead of English??

Well.

Shit.

...

.... U havent rlly talked to anyone in Qingce yet since u just got here in Teyvat like a week ago

And found this abandoned house

♧

It just gets worse 😭

Bc slowly, one by one,

Each playable character in Liyue comes to attempt to talk to you

(And since u have a farm, and they keep giving u food/goods? For some reason?? U still dont need to go into town)

☆

At one point, even Zhongli shows up

And thru complex miming and hand motions u think he means dont worry abt him? Like just go back to what u were doing?? Okay??

U guess he's just gonna chill here for now?

...

...Zhongli just kinda,, squints, and puts his hand on his chin in his classic "thinking very hard" face

So ur tending to the garden saying,

" FREDDY! You're supposed to be on lockdown!Vanessa...I'm... a Material Gworl✨️"💀

...Just, on an endless loop LMAO-

...

(Hes trying to see if he recognizes any part of ur language, poor old man 🤔🤔😭)

♤

And it just snowballs even more, and now,

None of you have even tried to say a word to each other. 🤡

(Other than ur vocal stims)

...

Keqing: "Perhaps, it's similar to Fontaine's native language?"

You, in the background: "🎵 dUdE,,, sHe'S jUsT nOt InTo YoU 🎵" (mimicking the autotune and everything)

Ganyu & Keqing: "..."

You: " 🎵 gOtTa MoVe On, mOvE oN-🎵 Hurricane Katrina?? More like Hurricane Tortilla!"

Ganyu & Keqing: "...Can't be,"

"what else do we got? Should we call Yunjin to better mime for us??"

♡

Xiao's the first one to even get close to knowing u can actually talk to each other, bc he's always checking in on u most often <3

And he only heard u bc u swore u heard a monster outside ur house one night and came out ur house with a pitchfork, very nervous,

"...Hey there demons.. it's me.. ya boy."

(And u just keep stimming that out of nervousness to make urself feel better as u check around ur house lol)

Xiao: "??? Demons???!! WAIT-"

♧

By then, it literally took like 6 months for yall to finally have a real conversation 💀💀

...

(Chongyun got so embarassed bc he was one of the first few to misunderstand he overheated rip🙏)

Im. So. Sorry. This. Is. ✨️Ass✨️

Twas the best scenario i could come up with, im telling yall, im not as funny as the ppl who send in these asks 😔

Keep in mind, I never claimed i was funny or a good writer, u cant hold it against me lol /lh

Lower ur expectations LMAO

Well i hope u got sm enjoyment outta this anon, sorry abt the quality!! :)

Cheers,

🌒🌊🌧Aquarius♒️🌌🌘

[carpetbug]

what are ur fave songs for each character and WHY. ANALYSIS

omg thank u we’re in love now 😽

I have not updated these playlists in a while so a lot of them are songs i listened to in like 2020 lmao, heres a few from each :)

Marinette

Into the unknown (frozen 2) - original and cristina vees cover make me think so hard about marinette its crazy. her initially refusing to be ladybug, insistent that she couldnt do it but always coming back because she desperately wants to test those waters, see what shes meant to do and how it could change her.

Ladybug

Ribs (lorde) - how easily overwhelmed marinette gets and how her anxiety and stress almost force her to overthink every aspect of her life. I can see her getting this extreme tunnel vision where she cant see all the progress shes made, all the victories shes already had, and instead can only focus on how shes not doing enough, and its not fast enough, and its not good enough. it just really reminds me of how badly she wants to prove herself to be this strong and trustworthy hero, but she feels like shes losing herself as she grows and isolates herself more and more in the role of guardian and ladybug.

Adrien

Mamas boy (dominic fike) - he literally IS the mamas boy. what more can i say. also alludes to him being a sentimonster with the lines "when i was born, you were produced", "i wish i was a toy", "youre made from plastic im just blood".

Chat Noir

First love/late spring (mitski) - ok hear me out. how chat compensates for his family life with devoting himself to ladybug. "one word from you and i would jump off of this ledge im on" is exactly how he operates with her, being ready to throw himself in front of her, literally die for her if she ever said so. and she never does! she gets upset with him for doing it over and over! i just think this song depicts really well how chat noirs goal was always "do whatever I can to help ladybug, no matter what i may lose" while she had to watch him leave his life in her hands like it was nothing.

also including ships because obviously i have playlists for all lovesquare sides + other ships i’m silly about

Ladynoir

Show Yourself (frozen 2) - both the original and cristina vees cover (WHICH IS SO GOOD GO LISTEN TO IT RN) remind me so hardcore of ladynoir. the whole idea of ladybug finally coming to terms with showing chat who she truly is and being ready for the same from him, idk i can imagine an entire movie in my head of ladynoir reveal to this song. [fav lyrics: "I can sense you there, like a friend ive always known", "I have always been a fortress cold secrets deep inside. you have secrets too, but you dont have to hide", "you are the answer ive waited for all of my life"]

Blame (air traffic controller) - this is probably one of my all time favorite songs like fucking ever and tbh i can see it with all lovesquare sides but i feel like ladynoir is the best fit! Chat picking ladybug up when she falls down and constantly being there to remind her she was to get up and fight, theres no time to sit and pity and blame herself, and he wont let her. him being her voice of reason as she copes with losing almost everything to monarch, him grounding her and being one of her biggest motivations to go on! with how severely marinette overthinks and doubts herself, he just becomes a mantra of 'dont blame yourself' which she desperately needs [fav lyrics: "Dont blame yourself cause you tried as hard as hell with the hand that you were dealt", "get on your feet, enough 'poor me', if you got time to bitch and whine then theres still time to try again", "And the vultures they are circling overhead, theyre reminding me of choices from my past"]

Peach Scone (hobo johnson) - makes me think of early seasons ladynoir ;-; chat just being head over heels for ladybug, struggling with keeping his love platonic when he wants to be with her and know her. Also getting to kinda hear his side of ladybug saying shes already in love with someone, how he respects that but still is a bit of a flirt, and hides how much it hurts him. also i love hobo johnson. [fav lyrics: "She kinda loves him back, but not really, theyre just really good friends and thats fine, he understands, its rational", "Oh, you got a man? are you in love? so, what type?", "So i fall to the ground, collect myself and get ready to take over your heart or atleast your spare time"]

Talk to me (cavetown) - i am such a sucker for ladynoir comfort. the idea of them being there for each other at their lowest points, holding each other together. This whole song just makes me think so strongly of chat comforting ladybug when shes breaking down and needs someone. [fav lyric: "ill be here until youre okay, lets your words release your pain, you and i will share the weight"]

Could have been me (The struts) - GOD. THIS SONG. ITS SO LADYNOIR CODED TO ME. them hyping each other up!! keeping each other going!! being each others motivation to keep getting back up and fight!! i just love the idea of them constantly being there to pick each other up and remind them of what theyre fighting for. i could listen to this song forever i love it. I can also really hear "I cant hear you, I wont fear you" being a supportive call and response thing with them <3[fav lyrics: "I wanna taste love and pain, wanna feel pride and shame", "Don't wanna live as an unsung melody, i'd rather listen to the silence telling me i can't hear you, i won't fear you"]

Understood (leith ross) - i am a huuuuuge fan of leith ross so obv i love this song for ml. it just makes me think so much of a worn down, tired, sad chat just gushing and crying to ladybug about how he doesnt understand love, how his family dynamic impacts him, and just letting himself fall apart in her arms. and her relating! her feeling that same tiredness and guilt and ache about love and family and friends, how much invisible pressure is hanging over both their heads and only they understand it. [fav lyrics: "ill visit my family in living rooms that dont get cold cause blankets and body heat cant be compared when it only took you a week to grow old", "Im sick of attachments I recently learned I cant relax and im scared of myself, scared for my health, tell me youll take me back home", "im sick of the feeling that nothing will ever stand still"]

Struck by lightning (sara kays, cavetown) - this song just really makes me think about ladybugs devotion to chat. i just imagine chat being out in the middle of a storm at night and marinette seeing him from her window and joining him as lb to comfort him. her knowing hes not going to go inside, so she just sits and stays with him, insisting if hes going to get soaked and cold and possibly hit by lightning, shes going to do it with him. [fav lyrics: "If you don't respond, I'll put my shoes on and lay down on the pavement next to you if we get struck at least we'll make the news", "What a way to go out something this town will forever talk about the two kids who were laying down and struck by lightning in front of your house"]

She wants me (to be loved) (The happy fits) - literally early seasons ladynoir. she wants me! (to be loved). i think it just perfectly fits how in love with lb chat is and how its clear she cant give that to him. [fav lyrics: "so, you say you love me, but not the way I need, things are so close to what i want to be", "I cant stop feelin, i want her love but all my dreaming is not enough. so in the morning the sun will rise and ill wake up and she wont be mine", "why cant you love me here tonight?"]

Adrinette

I do adore (mindy gledhill) - marinette being head over heels for adrien and being her normal clumsy self. Falling over, rambling, making a huge fool of herself while adrien watches, completely oblivious to her crush. this song just really reminds me of how much marinette struggles with keeping herself calm around adrien, how shes always messing up words and doing the wrong thing, but he never freaks out at her and he never shames her for it. [fav lyrics: "when youre near i hide my blushing face and trip on my shoelaces", "Ive noticed youre remarkably relaxed and im overly uptight, we balance out each other nicely" "Tongue-tied, twisted, foot in mouth, i start to stutter ha-ha-heaven help me"]

Just a friend to you (meghan trainor) - early seasons adrinette <3 adrien being so painfully oblivious while marinette is struggling with balancing being his friend and her overwhelming feelings for him. [fav lyric: "so it breaks my heart when you say im just a friend to you cause friends dont do the things we do"]

Silly girl (chloe moriondo) - listen to this song rn! its so perfectly adrinette! its crazy! how marinette romanticizes adrien and kind of puts him on a pedestal at the beginning which leads to her ignoring how he doesnt fit into that idea shes molded of him. Her having to deal with the pain of being in silent love with him while he seems so far away, and turning that back around to use against herself. i just think it explain really well how marinette saw him in this perfect, unattainable bubble before they got closer and she realized he was nothing like his public image of perfection [fav lyrics: "im just a silly girl in a stupid dumb old world and he is perfect cause hes supposed to be", "he is perfect, unlike me, and how could i ever think that it was meant to be? and how could i ever think that anything was made for me?", "I made him perfect, cause i wanted him to be"]

Small (chloe moriondo) - this was originally intended to relate more towards marinette, but listening to it now with season 5 in my head it just screams adrien! how suddenly he falls for her and he cant get her out of his head! how in just a blink of an eye he is getting flushed when talking to her, hes wanting to be near her and talk to her, he wants to be with her! but shes pulling back from him and hes sort of unable to balance these new feelings AND respecting her boundaries because shes just the only thing he thinks about. i love simp boyfriend adrien. she fell first but he fell harder and no one can convince me otherwise [fav lyrics: "but im not used to dealing with feeling like im waisting your time", "ive never cared so much about avoiding overstepping, and when i think about you i forget about my hands" "endlessly try to make you smile cause whenever i see it my knees always get so weak"]

The one that got away (acoustic version - katy perry) - I am a mess over this song. i always imagine it as a post-reveal scenario in which something happened and ladybug lost chat in the fight against hawkmoth and found out he was adrien right as he died saving her. how badly she misses him and cant stop thinking about how he was the love of her life! having to go on living the rest of her life without him! shes unable to move past it and just spends her time thinking of all the things shed do if she still had him. in another life, they could still be happy together [fav lyrics: "we'd keep all our promises, be us against the world", "talk about our future like we had a clue, never planned that one day id be losing you"]

"Do you wanna be friends?" (leanna firestone) - Marinette breaking her own heart by having such a close friendship with adrien while being in love with him and knowing she cant do anything about it. Her desperately trying to convince herself she can be okay with a life with him as a friend and nothing more when obv she cant bc ouchie! her heart! [fav lyrics: "Do you wanna be friends? i mean, i wanna be more, but if friends is how i get to have you then sure", "The world wont end if you dont love me even if it feels that way"]

Marichat

If i could tell her (dear evan hansen) - i feel like this is a classic marichat song. like its been a marichat song for a hot minute but its still so them. chat comforting marinette about feeling like adrien doesnt notice her! and listing off things adrien 'told him about' and slowly realizing he does actually pay attention to all those small intimate things marinette does! he feels such a strong need to make sure marinette understands how important she is to adrien, and realizing how deep the disconnect between them two is [fav lyrics: "If i could tell her how shes everything to me but we're a million worlds apart and i dont know how i would even start", "And what do you do when the distance is too wide?"]

Drive (halsey) - i love this song for the idea of marinette and chat suppressing their feeling for each other because theyre 'supposed' to be in love with adrien and lb. for me it kind of paints a mental image of hangouts and games and memories between mari and chat that slowly become these intense, almost upsetting silences and tension. Just them desperately ignoring how deep their feelings for each other truly go and insisting everything remain surface level [ fav lyrics: "All we do is think about the feelings that we hide, all we do is sit in silence waiting for a sign", "Your laugh echoes down the hallway, carves into my empty chest, spreads over the emptiness. its bliss", "Overanalyze again, would it really kill you if we kissed?",]

Comfort crowd (conan gray) - this song just really makes me think of chat being at a really low point and trying to hide it from marinette so he doesnt burden her with his emotions and baggage, and her just seeing right through it. Like hes smiling and trying to wave it off and she just knows hes not okay, and he just breaks. Ultimately it makes me think of chat turning to marinette for such deep and intimate comfort that purely comes from him being with her. just knowing hes safe to hold onto her and cry and shell be that company for him. [fav lyrics: "this hurt that im holding's getting heavy, but imma keep a smile on my shoulders til im sweaty", "my breaths getting short and im unsteady, welling up in tears as i lay upon your belly", "Telling you im fine I dont really need nobody, but you say through a sigh that i said that lie already", "and even if i cry all over your body, you dont really mind say you like your shirt soggy"]

Lost in you (khai dreams) - i love the mental image of just such relaxed, fluffy, soft, marichat dynamic in this! chat slowly realizing hes in love with marinette and getting lost in every aspect of her. maybe not being able to entirely admit its love, but still being able to admit he has such a deep and sincere admiration for marinette that he feels is returned in a way he doesnt feel from ladybug [fav lyrics: "Im just looking for some mutual love but all i get is unrequited", "Cause i dont even know I dont know why, all your love im trynna find im so lost in you, in all that you do"]

Something there (beauty and the beast) - i enjoy a good disney song every now and then! its just so marinette and chat slowly falling for each other and being like "nuh uh... wait.. wait a minute.." and then falling headfirst in love with each other, and unable to communicate it. But both of them feeling this sudden new and strange spark between them, things slowly changing, becoming more and more personal and slowly beginning to accept that things have changed [fav lyrics: "And now hes dear, and so unsure, I wonder why I didnt see it there before", "and when we touched she didnt studder at my paw, no it cant be, ill just ignore, but then shes never looked at me that way before", "True that hes no prince charming but theres something in him that i simply didnt see"]

I'd have to think about it (leith ross) - another leith song bc THEYRE SO GOOD GO LISTEN TO ALL THEIR MUSIC RN anyways some angst a lil :) a future where marinette/lb and adrien/chat somehow got torn apart after the reveal and lost contact for. a hot minute. and when they've found each other again its chat finally finding marinette, in a new home, with a new family, and a new life. but they both know who each other are and marinette having to cope with knowing she would drop everything to be with him again. anyways. brain food. [fav lyrics: "but if you come to me, in my home with my three kids, if you asked me to leave, to be with you and split, well id atleast have to think about it", "and if you come to me when ive promised to commit, if you told me that you loved me and asked me for a kiss, well id atleast have to think about it", "you are my achilles heel, the weakness only I can feel"]

Come around (peter mcpoland) - THIS SONG MAKES ME SO GIDDY FOR SOME REASON!! makes me think of like chat picking marinette up from her balcony and taking her on rides, showing her (what he thinks shes never seen) a brand new side of paris and getting to bask in the warmth and light she radiates with him. 'shes looking at the pretty lights, i cant stop looking at her eyes' type shit. just him being so so down bad for her. [fav lyrics: "Ive noticed you pull the blinds back when you hear that im driving round", "i dont mean to cause any trouble, well maybe a little if thats allowed"]

Animal (neon trees) - this song also makes me so !! the vibes are so playful and fun and flirty while the lyrics are more intense. just really reminds me of how surface level marinette and chat keep things, flirting and teasing and just enjoying each other, and then as soon as things get more serious it comes down to a life/death type feeling. but still longing for each other! they know it just hurts and they cant but they want to! they both love and hate the way their relationship feels suspended in the air, in that it gives it a rush of uncertainty and playfulness but it also brings serious fears and pain. i love this song a lot for them [fav lyrics: "I do it everytime, your killing me now and i wont be denied by you, the animal inside of you", "hush hush the world is quiet, hush hush we both cant fight it, its us that made this mess, why cant you understand?"

Ladrien

Dixie boy (april smith and the great picture show) - i have to admit i dont think a whole lot about ladrien but! i am a sucker for jealous/posessive ladybug like claiming adrien for herself and adrien jsut being like. yep. okay. i agree. cause her ass is petty enough to like makeout with him in front of chloe just to really rub it in and adrien is like yippe!! my super hero bug gf loves me! while ladybug is so >:) do not ever touch my man [fav lyrics: "Cause like a soldier defends his land well i stand up, i get up, i defend my man", "Well i know the way that you girls operate so keep your hands to yourself and your eyes on your own plate. Its not nice to stare, dont make me come over there", "Im a lover, not a fighter, and i dont want to have to get rough. just warning you ahead of time I can be a bitch when it comes to my stuff"]

Bad ideas (tessa violet) - both adrien and ladybug just being such lovesick nerds for each other <3 ladybug trying to fight the urge to kiss him when theyre together, and adrien doing anything he can to keep her near him. they both know its a bad idea, to just stop trying to keep it all contained, but its so tempting to just say fuck it and indulge the bad ideas. atleast for a little [fav lyrics: "But i just wanna see the grooves between your hands, your teeth, oh, tell me do you think about me?", "So why'd i wanna kiss you even though i miss you, guess i just wanted to know what it would feel like"]

Her (eery) - how much adrien thinks about ladybug. just all the different ways he dissects her personality, their memories, every little bit of information he knows about her. i just feel like this song, while simple, just really encapsulates how constantly ladybug is on his mind. i miss that dynamic damn

YOUTH (troye sivan) - ladybug and adrien running away together. fuck it. literally think about it. them just being in love and together and adrien finally getting out of that HOUSE and getting to be with his LADY and be happy. How deeply devoted to each other they would be, and although naive, they would be so sincere and literally ride or die for each other.

Roman holiday (halsey) - i love the idea of ladrien having those small, important firsts together. putting aside not being able to be completely honest with each other, adriens entire family dynamic, everything, and just saying screw it and dating and doing couple things! theyre both too scared of what might happen if they slow down and face reality, so they ignore everything outside of themselves. they both have that ache of knowing its not real, its not how they can actually live, but for now they get to be happy. and in love. and with each other. and theyll deal with all the heartbreak later [fav lyrics: "didnt know where we were running to but dont look back", "and we know that were headstrong, and our hearts gone, and the timings never right"]

and my other playlists

Chat Blanc

ANTI-HERO (SEKAI NO OWARI) - i will do my best to put my emotions towards chat blanc into comprehensible words but i make no promises. i love him so much. anti-hero gives like him turning his back on being a hero just for marinette, being okay with being viewed as evil hated because hes doing it for her! his distaste for the rest of the world in comparison to mari/lb ! how he lost his moral compass and doesnt understand the ways hes hurting her and himself by turning his back on being chat noir! god its so good [fav lyrics: "im gonna be the anti-hero, feared and hated by everybody, im gonna be the anti-hero so i can save you when the time comes", "cause there are people that ive got to protect and if you get in my way youre dead"]

I am damaged (heathers) - you caught me im a theater nerd but literally this song is so good for chat blanc! him coming to the realization the only way to save mari/lb is to destroy himself. him saying goodbye and making sure she understand that she was his everything! and he trusts her to fix the mistakes he made because shes his lady! and her not being able to talk him out of it and just having to say goodbye [fav lyric: "wish youd kiss me then youd know i worship you, ill trade my life for yours and once i disappear clean up the mess down here"]

Blah blah blah (the oozes) - reminds me of the trauma marinette gets from chat blanc, how she suffers nightmares and just cant stop being reminded of the horrible fate her partner suffered through. how marinette just cant go back to 'normal' after fighting him but also cant confide in anyone about it [fav lyrics: "you couldn't care less for the people youre hurting, there no excuse", "youve ruined the color blue for me, im surrounded by a deep dark sea"]

Anytime you smile (JT music, Andrea storm kaden) - kind of how i imagine chat blanc kept himself going while being isolated for all those months. coping by pretending ladybug was still with him and nothing was wrong, but slowly feeling uneasy and letting reality creep in. it shows how desperately he fights against his loneliness and pain with day dreaming, but still loses his mind. [fav lyrics: "anytime you smile baby you know you drive me wild, crazy! thats why you got me screamin, i think i might be dreamin", "believe me if im sleeping, i wanna keep on dreaming", "Someday soon this honey moon might be gone though, i hate goodbyes. I might not love you still, youll find no tougher pill to swallow (open your eyes)", "I stepped into a nightmare when i woke up from utopia starting to remember my depression and my phobias, why is everybody looking at me like i lost it?", "How can i be happy here? guess ill just pretend to be!" "no more sadness in this beautiful world, in love with happiness shes a beautiful girl!")

Mr bright side (the killers) - IM SORRY?? "it started out with a kiss how it did end up like this?" AND YOU DIDNT THINK THIS WOULD BE ON MY CHAT BLANC PLAYLIST?? thats really it for some reason this song is just so chat blanc to me. i love it.

Bad bad things (ajj) - im also a big fan of just bonkers insane scary chat blanc, him losing his humanity and only being able to see it reflected in mari/lb and not being able to stand it. him not being able to control his more violent ideas and losing himself in hurting others [fav lyrics: "So i looked into your eyes and i saw the reflection of a coward that you and i both hate very much", "If i dont go to hell when I die i might go to heaven but probably not"]

Akumanette

Dumb dumb (mazie) - i love the idea of an akumanette that just LOSES it on her friends after lila does some real stupid shit. none of her friends standing with her or supporting her and marinette getting so so upset and frustrated that they would be dumb enough to fall for it! which, being akumatized, of course wont come out the wrong way and is warped into this monstrous idea that marinette sees them as these morons who have disappointed her time and time again [fav lyric: "disappointment takes us by surprise even though by now i think we should have realized everyone is dumb"]

Class fight (melanie martinez) - god I LOVE AKUMANETTES THAT LOSE THEIR SHIT. lila putting distance and uncomfort between her and adrien (pre relationship) before marinette catches them kissing and get akumatized, and then marinette wrecks her shit :) her inner voice of reason feeling so horrified with the brutality and trying to get herself to realize but being able to deny monarchs voice encouraging her to act on her worst instincts [fav lyrics: "she had a boy wrapped around her finger tight, i fell in love with him but he wasnt in my life", "Her face was fucked up and my hands were bloody, we were in the playground things were getting muddy", "my one true love called me a monster"]

Bust your kneecaps - johnny dont leave me (pomplamoose) - i think this one really works well with an akumatized ladybug! her being so soft and scary to chat, chat blanc style, while promising to do horrible things to him. akumabug trying to convince him to 'just stop fighting' and 'hand over his miraculous' and then 'everything will be just the way it should be' and finally giving up and working instead to defeat chat rather than convince him

Therefore i am (billie eilish) - cold, angry akumanette FOR THE WIN OGH her just being such a silent but deadly akuma, her voice devoid of all the love and kindness it used to have when she was with adrien/chat, and him having to fight her while she shows no mercy. I just love the idea of chat doing anything he can, crying and begging marinette to fight it and come back to him and she has no pity for him [fav lyrics: "Get my pretty name out of your mouth, we are not the same with or without", "Did you have fun? i really couldnt care less and you can give them my best but just know im not your friend"]

Pretty privilege (blegh) - marinette being shown time and time again that the worst people will get away with horrible things, while she has to suffer beneath them and getting fed up. her letting all her feelings rise to the surface about how ugly she thinks people can truly be [fav lyrics: "Its crawling from underneath the surface nobodys first choice kind of ugly", "just because somethings pretty the laws dont apply to them have you noticed this shit its so ugly"]

Other friends (cristina vee cover) - i live for crazy akumanette losing her mind on everyone! what can i say! i love the idea of her confronting her friends and lilas lies in such a angry but playful way before losing her shit! and the added bonus of it being MARINETTES voice?? im screaming [fav lyrics: "What did she say about me, what did she say?", "Im the loser of the game you didnt know you were playing", "life on the line, winner takes all, ready or not lets begin!"]

Marigami/Kagaminette

She (dodie) - kagami fighting against her feelings for marinette because of their friendship, because of adrien, because of her mother, and because shes scared to admit she loves marinette far beyond how friends should. I love her just gently pushing that line, asking herself that question of "what is so wrong about it?" and working to accept that the pain and heartache are real because her feelings are [fav lyrics: "Could it be wrong when shes just so nice to look at ?", "id never tell, no id never say a word and oh it aches, but it feels ugly good to hurt"]

Sophie (black polish) - marinettes feelings for kagami! wanting to freeze her time with her, relive every moment they've been through and just experience the world by kagamis side. just how desperately they both need each others time and space, how comforting it is to just be with her. [fav lyrics: "youre impossible to read and thats fine, i dont even understand my own mind", "I just wanna escape the world sophie with you, with you, with you, with you"]

and an added bonus: i LOVE the song Bruno is Orange for kagami. reminds me of her so much.

[forlorn-crows]

What is it about mountain/Hayden that you like so much? I agree because 👀 but I'm curious what it is for you.

oh anon. you've activated my trap card. where do i begin about this wonderful man/ghoul.

this will be long. i will save your dash by putting it under a cut:

firstly. who is the backbone of a band if not a drummer. he is the literal rock of the group besides papa himself. ive always liked percussion, especially the precision you need in order to play the instruments well. hayden is such an accurate and well-versed drummer, in my opinion. does he play the most complicated songs? no. (i mean, look at II of sleep token, that man is c r a z y) but he's talented and has variety in his musical repertoire.

did you know he can play guitar too? and he composes music. he has an entire soundcloud of scores and works with his friends on their projects (jutty w/drag talk, dylan w/into the vortex). so not only does he play the music, he can write it too. which, i think, is crazy talented. not everyone can do that---everyone in ghost is crazy talented, in general, and its gonna be hard for tobias to keep people like hayden around for a super long time.

i dunno, hayden as a person just seems super sweet, someone who's happy to support his friends and also do cool things for himself.

he's got some cute lil doggies too. and i, as a dog person, appreciate that he dresses his dog up all cute, poses her for a picture, and posts it for her birthday klsfdj

so uh, in terms of looks . . . i mean, this man is fucking fine and i will NOT hear hayden slander. i dont care that he's a tall white beanpole of a boy, he's cute. he's just a big cute nerd. and you know whats weird? i dont normally like tall men. but something about him makes my brain go...hhhh t a l l.

his nose? his eyes? his cute fucking smile? even his stupid expressions when he drums, he's so into it. i love it. apart from his face his...his hands oh my fisdjkkd. his big hands. i want them on me. pls. and his tattoos??? lskjdfsd his tatTOOS. some of the pictures of him with his forearm ones showing i cant even breathe i stg.

uhhh fun fact he's a taurus. his birthday is 4 days before mine.

i dont know. hayden just seems like a warm, kind person. which is probably the biggest reason i like him as a person.

okay wrapping up with hayden, onto mountain. i will try my best to keep this short but i really truly feel i could go on about him for a g e s.

first of all. as previously mentioned, i am a taurus. and, true to that, i am earth aligned myself, always have been. obviously, anything that i think of mountain is my own and common fanon. but earth is calming, it feels like home to me. that connected feeling you get when you get your hands in the dirt or that wash of satisfaction you get when its perfect weather outside. earth is strong, hearty, resilient.

he's a grounding presence, one of the backbones of the pack (aside from being the backbone of the band). and you know what i think? i think he seriously doesnt get enough credit or attention. and maybe he feels that way too, at the very least, alone on his podium up there on stage. and maybe its me projecting onto him, but, you know, i know how that feels. to also be relied on to be that grounding presence (like aether too) constantly, even when going through turmoil personally. so i connect strongly to that. to be the one, as harsh as it sounds, taken for granted.

on a lighter note, i just know hes such a gentle ghoul. of course he has a harder side, but it takes a lot to get him there (unless you ask of course). hes sensitive, loving, thoughtful, just the real definition of a gentle giant. a giver, more than anything. wants the best for his pack, in every aspect. is always looking out for them and finding ways he can show his love. big on gift giving, i bet, especially handmade things.

i dont know if this sounds weird, but mountain seems to lean more into the feminine energy than say a ghoul like omega or swiss. less of a 'big' presence, despite his size. fits in well with the girls, prefers quiet company. and thats something i always lean into, regardless of gender. not to say there's nothing masculine about him, but i think y'all know what i mean. his ideal day is probably sitting with like-minded company, maybe outside, enjoying a book or working on plants or doing some sort of craft or baking.

it also doesnt help that mountain essentially looks like a ghoul-ified hozier in my brain slkdflj. long mousy brown hair with auburn tones, proud nose, deep green eyes, warm olive-toned, medium gray skin, super freckly with soft patches of hair on his tummy, his sternum, his legs, his balls, you just look at him and want to hug him. want him to pick you up and carry you to a secluded meadow somewhere and for him to ramble about the plants you see along the way in that deep, rumbly voice of his.

and dude dont even get me STARTED on mountain as a lover. holy hell that ghoul can FUCK. always focused on his partner, so fucking sensitive, will worship the others body/bodies for as long as they'll let him. big on praising. soft. so fucking soft (but you know, he's got that HOT AS FUCKLSDJLFJ possessive side. that all consuming 'i need to have you' side. and a lil bit of a heavy hand, if they ask) and the NOISES I KNOW THIS GHOUL FUCKING MAKES IT PLAGUES ME EVERY DAY. the softest of groans, the breathy moans, *bangs fist on the table* the WHIMPERING. listen, y'all know how i feel about puppy mountain. that ghoul fucking WHIMPERS okay?! i need him. SO fucking bad. you already know how i write him. you know what i like. you know how it is. you know how i turn him needy 50% of the time, the ghoul you think has a giant dick and tops everyone? nuh uh. that boy is BOTTOMING a good chunk of the time too.

okay im rambling. im sure you can understand why i love hayden and mountain so much. sigh. he's the one for me. theres a lot of things that do it for me. you can count on me never shutting up about him.

xx

[notesfrompanihida]

What's your ideal lover? Do you seek certain qualities in someone? Do you have any preferences for personalities or appearances?

ill add a few images below in terms of my physical preferences

body type has to be fit and lean. long hair for anyone who identifies as a man is mandatory, the longer the better. tattoos!!!!! loads of them!! i have a lot of other things i enjoy in terms of fashion, but the images would be the baseline for daily wear (corpse paint every day would be cool but not even i can pull that off due to sensory issues). they must enjoy wearing suits and being in one for me. if theyre not getting off to me drooling over them i dont want it

im bisexual so i dont care for gender, however i do have a slight preference for cis men solely for the fact that their dick is attached to them and they can use it on me wherever and whenever. THIS IS A PREFERENCE, NOT A MUST

ideally, my partner must have the same disorders i do, doesnt need to be all of them. sounds horrible but im not new to dating and it seems like people who are not mentally ill in the same way as cluster bs will never truly understand someone with bpd or npd due to the drastic differences in how our brains work. think back to your math classes, if you put two mentally ill people together the mental illness should cancel out. me and my cluster b partner could still have fights and arguments, but at least both of us will know exactly why the other is reacting the way they are. there wont be the same kind of judgement from the other person as there would be from someone who doesnt suffer with personality disorders

on the topic of disordered, my partner must have the same or very similiar kinks/fetishes that i do, for obvious reasons. im not vanilla and will never be. if someone cant handle that aspect of me, were not for each other

everything else is pretty standard, i.e they must have the same moral/political standing as me, etc. i want us to have similiar enough interests (music, hobbies, love languages, ideal way to spend the day, etc) but i do not want them to be a carbon copy of me. this person also has to be able to drive. i want my partner to be very obsessed with me. i suppress these tendencies in myself because i do not yet have a person who will be fully comfortable with them, but if i choose you to be my partner i fully expect you to be okay with my obsessive love and even encourage it. ill obviously want the same back. there will be some basic boundaries in terms of that but nothing crazy ;¬)

i come from a culture where courting is the norm, so regardless of gender, i would expect my partner to do that for me before we become official. unfortunately, ive never experienced such things towards myself and always ended up on the giving end of it. i wouldnt have an issue with that as i enjoy spoiling my subjects of interests for a variety of reasons, but eventually you start to wish you got similiar treatment back. im someone who will try and learn everything about you in one go so i can use that information when i enter that courting stage. i love buying gifts, food, and flowers for my interests, which is the same stuff i expect back. everything i do i expect back, from planning lavish dates and paying for everything to spontaneous bouquets here and there. treat me like i mean everything to you and you will receive the same, if not more, back

in terms of personality, its all fairly standard. loyal, caring, attentive, patient, kind, loving, etc. the mental disorders will give them the rest of the traits i want (worships me)

some minor things that id enjoy but arent mandatory: brunette (highly preferred im sick of blondes ruining my life), plays an instrument, does ballet, has a motorcycle, is bilingual, rides horses, ice skates better than me so that they can teach me how to skate backwards and do tricks, has either a cat or a wolf like dog that i can pet, plays in a band so i can get backstage privileges (and after the show they can enter my backstage hahahaha sorry)

sending this off with the prayer that my ideal person will see this and instantly know im the one

[circe-butbetter]

Ooh bellatrix

I may have a few thoughts of my own

when I think of bellatrix, I see someone who never quite fit the mold of the eldest daughter she was supposed to be, she was too stubborn at first, too bold, too quick tempered. Then, when she played into the ideals, too outspoken , too ambitious, crazy.

I see selfish and righteous but only because she lacked control, loathed having her life orchestrated for her….but also discovered her own powerlessness in her situation, in a family where she was supposed to get married to someone not of her own choosing and produce heirs without question

But also being smart enough to figure out unfiltered rage would only warrant punishment while strategy, deals, negotiation, subtle goading, careful mocking to achieve a purpose would get her what she wants.

I see a fierce, powerful, feral nerd for control, I see impulsivity in decisions, I see cool, detached strategy, strategic plotting to bring herself to the top (such as for instance , marrying someone she doesn’t love, to be closer to power, to be further from interference)

but in doing so, simultaneously self destructing as it affects emotional aspects of her life and ultimately causes her to deriorate further into losing herself because she’s too proud to let the world see her weakness and so she ends up shutting them out to herself as well

too accustomed to their disapproval at her adamance, too used to playing into the insanity to mock them because isn’t that what they believe to be the only thing she is? so fine, she’ll be worse, she’ll show them true insane, she’ll wipe the disgust off their faces and make them fear her. and it’s all extremely fun until she takes it too far to prove a point, to set herself above.

🪶

OOOO

OKAY I LOVE YOUR INTERPERTATION

AND I LOVE WHAT YOU SEE

at one point i feel as if the points i have and you have did somewhat merge

I see bellatrix as someone smart who knew her situation and the powerlessness

I think she molded intinthe oldest daughter stereotype perfectly, outspoken- fierce bla bla she reminds me of sirius in a way

I think she didnt mold into what the black family wanted however, and while trying to she just

Lost who she is in a way

I think she was smart and calculating and everything she did was in self peresrverance for her own safety, i think she knew what she was getting into with every action she took however i dont think she knew uow much of her shes gonna lose

Bellatrix wasnt a good person though and i dont think there couldve been a world where she is but i know she was fierce and cared for her people

I think she knew her powerlessness and thats why she did every little thing for even an ounce of control because shes someone whos meant to lead, not follow

Isnt it a pity that she ended up a follower anyways?

And then everything else you said is exactly

Like yes babes preach i agree 100%

[bl00dh0rs3]

more monkey thoughts. Dont look at me im just trying to explain/figure out More reasons why they (moreso LEMH) make me go crazy (again)

OKAY Full disclosure. this was spurred by some posts ive seen floating around and they are Objectively correct and i agree with them, but the wordage they use is what bothers me and makes me think--its about the general and growing frustration and dismay over LEMH's portrayal and like... increased Importance in LMK, at the expense of like, literally all the other characters new and old.

Again, objectively that is INCREDIBLY true and i feel it 200%!!!! Its frustrating because they just yoinked aspects of SWK's relationships with characters like DBK from the original JTTW and Shoved them on LEMH like theyre Tropes that can be shifted around without consequence--it seems fine and interesting when you first watch LMK with no context or background knowledge, but after knowing what his ACTUAL deal was in the book, looking back on LMK makes what they are doing with LEMH feel lazy and Genuinely poorly researched, rather than an intentional divergence from the original story--because as a general rule of thumb, even if the fans dont Like what you changed, you still want the things in your story to be done On Purpose, like you at least Tried to put effort into it! Its about showing the audience that you think they deserve a narrative that was crafted with Care, not just slapped together and thrown out for a quick Hype/Cash grab, yk???

Anyway So THATS the thing, and thats all cool!!! My issue (and i cannot stress this enough this is Me being Silly and Obsessed with the Six Eared Macaque im a chronic blorbo haver there is no Cure) is that those posts Also tend to talk about LEMH as though... he is a boring character. As though he's just kind of "eh". Or at least thats how my Admittedly biased eyes read them--no beef! Its just gotten me to thinking and now i want to try to write out What im thinking and Why, bc thats a helpful thing to do when you're struggling to figure in your head, obvs obvs

And im of course willing to admit that Yes, in the original text, he is just kind of There! He serves his purpose (aiding in SWK's character development) and then he dies and he doesn't come back again! Hes kind of a metaphor but hes also just an annoying guy! Hes not presented as anything special! I get that that is what is Canon, and thats theres no way to really like... read anything deep into it. Bc theres literally nothing there.

But my problem is that i cannot let characters like that just Be. Especially if the premise of said character could be absolutely FASCINATING if you take it all Completely seriously and At face value--if you try to see whatever is going on for them through their eyes, their minds. Its like.... You can buy a shirt from the store as is, and some might be fine Wearing it as is--while other's might see that shirt and decide it needs a bit of hemming and perhaps some embroidery on the sleeves. Altering it does not change the fact that the original design is what it is--thats just One altered shirt that one person is wearing and perhaps lending to a friend or two, yk???

I love metaphors l. Sorry that dragged on, back to monkey--

To me? LEMH exists in a nebulous state of inevitable connection with SWK--because i like to take the "LEMH is SWK's ~dark side~" thing seriously. In my eyes, they are literally the same person, the same qi, split into two bodies.

There are stories that exist today that explore this idea, characters with this kind of relationship--and i find them incredibly compelling! Because i adore stories that play with the question of what makes a person a person. What seperates you from your maker/origins? What is your purpose in life when you are intrinsically connected to another person, at your very core? Does that mean you exist For them? Do they exist for you? How does thinking that way affect a person, mentally and emotionally? How does it affect these characters, specifically, in conjunction with their personalities and the lives theyd led up until the point they knew about this connection? Have they always known about this connection? Only one of them?

How much more drastic would it affect you if you were essentially a nobody--and the person you are connected to is a public figure? Like Sun Wukong?

Id go crazy. Id go fucking insane? Can you imagine. Its about the potential!!!!! The potential of what knowing something like that would do to someone!!! Im losing the words im apologize i need to calm down--im Not done yet.

What i am getting at here.... is that LEMH would likely work Best as a character who's metaphorical aspects are taken Very Literally--especially so if the story also decides to lean into the idea of his hearing reaching through to the past and future, in any way. He is a character that would thrive on being portrayed in a way that allows him to be a bit Meta, if that makes sense

Yes, you Could just let him be a silly monkey who decided to start shit with SWK for giggles one day--that can absolutely have its merits! But that does not satisfy me, and that is why i am so passionate about him. I want to take my little guy so so fucking seriously because i think it would be SO fucking cool. And a very useful and convenient way to explore ideas about relationships with The Self--since in my eyes, that is what his relationship would be with SWK.

AND ALL THIS STUFF ABSOLUTELY HAS ANOTHER SIDE TO IT, HOW IT ALL COULD AFFECT SWK ON HIS SIDE??? LIKE HOLY SHIT. HOLY SHIT i dont know if i want this post to be That long so i might stop here and come back later to talk abt it from SWKs side in a rb or something--

anyway point is. I thank LMK for introducing me to the Six Eared Macaque, but upon further analysis the way they did him is actually pretty garbo, and im biding my time for till someone introduces me to or Makes a version of him that takes him to his full potential. thats all thanks for coming to my TED talk, get out of my house please

[toonbly]

6.) speaking of tv adaptations, why would yours get cancelled? (other than capitalism); 9.) if your story got a video game adaptation/spin off, what would it be like?; 13.) how long have you been working on this project? what has changed from the outset? 16.) imagine the entire story takes place but in the meantime the characters all also have tumblr. what kind of (terrible) tumblr posts would happen?; 18.) what aspect of the story would get you #canceled on twitter?

6.) speaking of tv adaptations, why would yours get cancelled? (other than capitalism)

I THINK BECAUSE IT GETS TOO DARK FHSDJKFSDFKJDSF like without giving the reason of "oh theres a lot of queer characters" or smtn similar, i think ferrymen would get pulled off air bc i dont pull punches with it's subject matter. that could absolutely be my bias though bc honestly in the grand scheme of things ferrymen is pretty tame, it's no "alone" from moral orel to be sure lol

9.) if your story got a video game adaptation/spin off, what would it be like?

i'd want it to be very psychonauts esque! quirky platformer with a unique art style, strong characters, levels based in characterization, heavy focus on story, etc. i'm not a game designer so i cant say anything beyond Vibes, but i think smtn like that would be fun

or maybe a game kinda like the wolf among us. a choose your own adventure mystery with a stark artstyle and choices that impact the plot and characters

13.) how long have you been working on this project? what has changed from the outset?

since about early-mid 2020 iirc! ferrymen went through a lot of EXTREME changes pretty rapidly. it used to be a cyberpunk murder mystery called CMYK and had a few different characters in it! i still wanna use moss for some other project lol

16.) imagine the entire story takes place but in the meantime the characters all also have tumblr. what kind of (terrible) tumblr posts would happen?

I HAVE THOUGHT ABOUT THIS IS THE THING LOL. not exactly this but i have thought about what all the characters blogs would look like:

i think nathans socials have been dead for the past 5 years, but his tumblr would just be covered in photos from his ghost hunts, livestream announcements, reblogging fanart for his show, etc. bc the story takes place in the 2030s/2040s i think nathans old enough to have been a tumblr veteran too so he knows the fucking Ancient Texts. don't think he would've bothered deleting it so it kind of just serves as a time capsule of the peak of ParaNathan

mai's blog is entirely anonymous and is mostly just her reblogging posts about cryptids and the paranormal. it's pretty empty even though she's had it for Years because she would've nuked her blog out of embarrassment at some point bc it was just COVERED in fandom stuff she's embarrassed of now, even if she still secretly really loves all that old stuff.

eddie's is just an empty blog he likes things from on the rare occasion he gets hold of a phone/computer and actually bothers to check tumblr. probably has the default icon header and title and so gets mistaken for a bot a lot

joey doesn't seem like the kind of kid to be super active on social media honestly??? but i do think he'd jump on to reblog and like posts about cute diy crafts n stuff. he likes making things with his hands so i think he'd get a kick out of the one of a kind doll community

eli would get kung pow penis'd off the site within the first hour of being here

18.) what aspect of the story would get you #canceled on twitter?

i think the fact that later in the story ferrymen depicts abelism towards an autistic person would drive twitter crazy lol. like the whole point is "this is bad and this is how it's damaging to this character and their sense of identity" but the twitter crowd loooves the idea of depiction = condoning and would probably happily ignore the fact that i'm autistic and this character's struggles are reflective of my own so. wuh oh HFKJHDSJHKFDJ

that or eli is intentionally designed to look like a tumblr sexyman bc i thought it was funny. i think it should get cancelled for that tbh

oc ask game!

[jokeson-u]

No offense and I don't mean any disrespect to you, but I'm sorry. Your sister is a straight vile and disgusting piece of shit and fucking cunt to be defending Ryan Murphy's portrayal of the Menéndez brothers, and suggest that the real life brothers are lying about being abused. She's part of the problem and the reason why abuse victims don't speak up. And then as you said, she has the nerve to claim she's woke and all that? If she's the type that accuses victims of lying, then I don't put it past her to also be the type to say that victims "ask for it" and deserve it, because they don't fit "the perfect victim" standard. Seriously, FUCK HER! In fact, you can show her this message for me and tell her I said so, so she knows just what a shit person she really is. I don't even know her, but this is enough to make say I hate her. Anyone that accuses abuse victims of lying or agrees with them being painted in a bad light in media gets no compassion or grace from me.

NO DISRESPECT TAKEN AT ALL LMFAOOOOOO heres the thing. its not that she doesnt believe them NOW. its that shes so incredibly ignorant that, before watching the show, she somehow thought it wasnt public knowledge that they were victims. she thinks her bank of knowledge is the same as everyones. so shes acting as though ryan murphy 'showing they were abused' is some revolutionary act of justice. simply because she somehow never knew more about the case than 'crazy rich kids kill parents.' shes basically praising ryan for 'shining light' on their case..?? despite the actual facts already being out there?

so theres that ignorance. but then theres the part that really bugs me: her selective activism. bc my sister really does care about 'woke' things, but she'll look the other way if its someone she likes. or go out of her way to defend them. she likes ryan murphy, therefore any project he does shes gonna defend with 'well ryan murphy does things for controversy/shock!' I DONT GIVE A FUCK. he can easily do that by creating his OWN stories and not making a mockery of a real life tragedy. but she doesnt care! bc its ryan murphy and 'thats what he does.' SO WHY DOES HE DO IT??? like thats my issue. she gives half assed reasons like that without realizing that 'reason' is an issue too.

but her defense didnt end there! bc for some reason she realllly wanted to justify it so she spun this whole thing about what she 'thinks' ryan murphy is doing, which is this: "the first 4 episodes were super sensationalized and fictitious to represent how the press was depicting the boys and the case. and then on episode 5, things get serious and thats ryan bringing out 'out of the press' and 'into reality.'" .....what??? HUH? if that was what he was doing it would BE CLEAR. NOT SOME THEORY YOU WHIPPED UP AND ARE CLAIMING TO BE TRUE AS A DEFENSE OF HIS SHIT WRITING.

but basically. she does believe the boys were abused, but she believes what was in the ryan murphy show. AND she thinks this is all NEW knowledge that ryan is groundbreakingly showcasing. bc shes incredibly fucking ignorant. what she implied possibly NOT believing was eriks statement, as if he did it for publicity or smthn because 'he met with the actor the next day.' like how tf do those 2 things correlate?

anyways. my sister isnt one of those 'u were asking for it' people and she is knowledgeable about the concept of a perfect victim and why thats problematic. BUT, as i said, its selective in all aspects based on her knowledge. in this case, she had none, assumed no one did, and is taking ryans word for it (and spinning the non factual parts of the show it to make it look better in ryans defense.)

also there was a point where i said ryan shouldve named it 'monsters' and then the parents names instead, and she was like 'well that wasnt the name of the case' BITCH HES NOT MAKING A SHOW ABOUT THE CASE HES MAKING FANFICTION OF IT

[jedilemon]

Honestly I think it's kind of strange that we think all that much has to change to make a Scooby-Doo show for adults? Like adding the supernatural aspect in may make the show more gritty and dark or whatever but the actual themes in the original shows I feel would hit much better.

Like the whole idea is that the gang knows that no matter how crazy it might sound, the mystery will always come around to people trying to take advantage of other people. Like just rewatch the ild shows and see how many of the villians were basically greedy capitalists who were upset because something didn't go their way and so decided to scare nice people into giving it to them.

Like the idea that we dont need to imagine monsters hurting us because in reality we have plenty of normal humams willing to do it if it means getting what they want, definitely feels solid enough.

And as op points out, the characters are already great and ready for some more mysteries. Like Fred's a mechanically smart himbo with a heart of gold, Daphne while very socially aware can be a bit blind monetarily since she grew up rich but also is very widely skilled and capable while incredibly loyal to her friends, Velma is super nerdy and nuerodivergent as the resident logically minded lead in most of the detective work but can also be a bit oblivious, shaggy serves as the everyman of the group, he's the one that's often not super exceptional or helpful in conventional ways and belies a sense of the actual gravity of the situation through his fear, he's the most real character in the gang while also being the most comedic, his bravery in the face of his overwhelming fear really gives the story weight while his comedy gives it light, and Scooby-Doo kind of acts both as shaggy's other half, taking on many of his qualities, and as the face of the gang oddly enough. He's what makes them stand out as iconic, and he also serves a similar role to Nightwing in DC as the heart of his group. Like he's kinda taking the place of a mascot but in the more complex stories, he's the one who brings the group back after a fight or believes in his friends without any doubts.

Honestly the only thing I'd change about the old show format if I was making it for adults would be to up the resolution, dive deeper. Make the mysteries a tad less obvious, give us more complex hints and plots, dive deeper into the characters and their interactions, but I don't think you really have to change much at all. Like Scooby-Doo is a show full of heart that follows a very real feeling group of friends that want to solve mysteries in order to protect good people. And honestly I think I really want some more heartfelt shows that don't focus so much on people wading into edgy, supernatural darkness but instead focus on friends that love each other and go looking for real complex darkness, like we see in our world everyday, in order to pull back the curtain on it and leave a good message. And like it doesn't have to be all gritty either, like give me some bright colors, happy moments, a bunch of humor, and a massive fucking sandwich for Scooby Shaggy to eat together.

Also yeah this is why you shouldn't give me Adderall late at night 😂

Thinking about how I would write an adult Scooby-Doo series, because I think it can be done.

The first thing I’d do is make the characters actually be adults.  Still young, but adults, in the mid to late 20s range.  Mystery Inc. is a private detective type business that they run together.  In this universe, the supernatural/ghosts/etc are real, but not necessarily common, so when they take on a case, the culprit might be a person disguised as a monster, or it might actually be a real ghost.  The stakes can be higher; sometimes a bad guy is legitimately trying to kill them.  Sometimes the mystery they’re trying to solve is a murder.  Sometimes they actually get hurt on their cases.

Fred: the core of Fred’s character should be that he’s incredibly kind.  Like, give a stranger the shirt off his back kind.  The “Fred can’t talk to potential clients because he might take a case for free and we need to eat” kind.  He’s an honest and good person and sometimes gets himself into trouble because he assumes other people are too.  While he’s not very good at reading people or noticing ulterior motives, he’s brilliant when it comes to mechanical or engineering type stuff, so he’s the one who keeps the mystery machine running, builds their gadgets, and of course, designs the traps.

Daphne: she comes from old money, and her parents absolutely despise her life choices, to the point where they haven’t officially disowned her, but they have basically cut her off, so she doesn’t actually have access to any family money.  Growing up wealthy has granted her a variety of skills, including speaking multiple languages, horseback riding, and fencing.  She’s very into fashion and jewelry (even if she can’t afford it anymore) and has extensive knowledge of both that can occasionally provide a vital clue in a case. And even though her parents have cut her off, Daphne still has a wide network of contacts she can ask for favors sometimes, because she’s personable, and people tend to like her.  Daphne is also very emotionally intelligent, and is usually the one who can spot when someone is lying to them.

Side note - I ship Fred and Daphne, so I think I would start them off as an established couple for this universe.  Dating, engaged, married, I don’t care.  They are stupidly in love, ride or die for each other.  There’s no will they, won’t they, no worries about cheating.  They are in a healthy, happy, loving relationship, and no one (not even Daphne’s disapproving parents) are going to mess that up for them.

Velma: she is the forensics nerd who sometimes gets super excited about the wrong thing at the wrong time (”He was mummified in seconds? That’s so cool!” “Velma!  His wife is standing right there!” “Oh.  Sorry.”).  She’s not purposely insensitive, she just gets laser focused on her work and forgets to filter herself sometimes.  She’s also the one who can get so fixated on solving whatever mystery they’re working on, she’s willing to bend or maybe break laws.  Is breaking and entering really so bad?  Not if it gets them answers.

Shaggy: he is still the comic relief, but he’s the comic relief by being the only person in the group that actually has common sense.  He manages the business’s finances, he’s the only one who knows how to cook, and the others tease him for being a coward sometimes, but Shaggy maintains that if a ghost with an axe is coming for you, running is the only sensible option.  He should also have a range of random knowledge that sounds useless, but sometimes saves the day (ex ventriloquism, origami, the history of spoons, etc).

Scooby: as this is a universe where supernatural creatures exist, Scooby is an ancient eldritch type being that took a shine to Shaggy when he was a kid, and took the form of a talking dog to befriend and hang out with him.  Aside from the talking dog bit and not aging, he never uses his powers in a way that anyone notices.  The audience is not told upfront that Scooby is an ancient eldritch being; it should slowly be hinted at throughout the series so the audience put it together, but the characters never realize it.  Scooby genuinely considers Shaggy to be his best friend, and cares about the rest of the gang too.

[themindelectricdemo4]

i think to myself lke. back lke 2 year ago, im like...my friendship with my friends was so good, what happened?

really, i let myself go. i got a lot of disappointment in my regular life (couldnt get disability, more illnesses, treatment failing, family dying) i found that gong to college has helped me so much. because its like...setting a life for myself. getting a routine. having something to wake up for.

when all i wanted to wake up was for my friends, they were the brunt of everything, especially my moodiness that was becoming more & more unstable. i keep wanting to apologize but i hope i can form better wording in my head that articulates what i want to say the most (firstly that it doesnt justify my actions, and secondly, that im not crawling back to rekindle) im kind of stuck with overthnking it, so honestly.......it could be a world where i never directly apologize because i fear what my words sound like

i havent changed in that aspect in that i miss the connotation of my words often...maybe i could show it to my partner for proof reading, but i wouldnt want to involve a lot of people or anything ive accepted this is my human flaw & i continue to try & wrap my head around implications but it doesnt work. i do feel dumb ..oh well what can i do. i try to ask people to ask for clarification if they think something i said was weird (because if my intentions were mean ...i would want to make sure you knew for sure ...LOL.) but if they dont.. dont know what to do. but ive find in college, my friends ask me, they respect that, they make me feel like a human being & not some dumb (insert a barrage of slurs i could call myselfhere). self inflicted words..because i wish i could just learn social shit like a normal person & i feel dumb for not being able to mask this, or be able to study it enough to even pretend like i understand

im happy with the way my life is going now... i went to college, met my partner irl, i havent thought about genuinely kmsing myself in a good while now, like i couldnt go a month or two without planning it in my head, but im...actually doing good? its crazy...even my psych said she was so proud of me today saying she couldve never imagined me how i am today just because of how bad i was. i dont take that as a negative btw cuz thats me past tense. im proud of it.!!! really like, after whatever the fuck happened in august '23 i was like, ok. no more of this shit.

& it worked? i got all As, im in college. holy shit. the several times i would blow up on my friendsin the past into HUGE fights? the most heated i got was exactly one time where i snapped after a long day of being spoken over (by this person that i didnt particularly want to hang out with, as agreed upon with my friend because even that person agreed we didnt have a lot in common) & that...was it??? like im shocked. all my rage . gone . whar. .. & my friends are like.......they ask me what im doing/feeling based on things i do cuz they think im mad (the rbf & monotone voice) & im like oh!! oh my gosh no, im good! im sorry for worrying u & they were like oh! dw just checking. cuz i curated the baddest bitches of autistics who just get it fr . me & my current bestie we just ask each other the most blunt questions to get clarity on situations & i love that 4 us ... hes supa nice. love all my fends . but wow idk im proud of myself & this turned into a ramble where im positive cuz i was acually gettng mad at myself sadge but yea. i do wanna apologize but im afraid of being misconstrued & my paranoia over this manifests into probably never doing it. i got lving with my mother probably to blame fo r that (dont get me started on the shit she pulled over winter break that everyone in my family agrees she is ridiculous for with physical proof ok im reeling

[catnherthoughts]

dr pepper chronicals

thank you j loops for giving me inspiration to write again. what is it that we have in this moment of time? i do not care to label it or define it in any matter because if i am being frank, there is no part of me that wants to be your girlfriend at the moment. there is so much responsibility in that title. i enjoy spending time with you and the intimacy that we do share but anything beyond maybe spending a few more days a week hanging out would just not be manageable for me. there are other people in my life. unfinished business at school. i need to make sure that at the end of every day i am alright. the last man i was seeing made me go into a ben10 psychosis. i could not spend more than 10 minutes without him popping into my mind. i cut my veins for him. because i thought that i was not good enough for his love. do you know how painful that prolonged feeling is. while i cannot say that i still have strong feelings for him, the imprint he left on my being is a reminder. i cannot let myself ever do that again. sure i can have casual sex and kiss and all of that but i never ever want to love someone again. it never works.l there has never been a time where i thought to myself, yes i am so happy with this relationship and everything is swell. no. i am not meant for love and i have come to terms with it. when it is presented instead of being gentle and caring i turn into a mad woman and pick at it until there is no sign of anything salvageable. I cannot be a victim of that anymore. or the one that hurts others. maybe makes others uncomfortable. i am sure being loved by you is amazing but there are certain lessons i have learned around this sort of thing. it does not work. you are nothing short of perfect in my eyes believe me. i just am not sure if keeping a doctor pepper in my fridge for you isn't gonna make me spiral. sounds insane i know but you are already giving me odd signals. then again you are a man. you don't want me. behave as such. there is no point in doing more for the ability to have sex. that is all i want from you. there is no need to allure me in with love and commitment and dreams of meeting my grandparents. we do this thing. we try to showcase the best aspects of ourselves to potential partners. i am sure that is comes from a psychoevolutionary standpoint. there is nothing more from you that i need. i know who you are. i know the dirty and the ugly. do not try and hide under the guise of being better because you are not. you are just like the rest. and just like the rest i was fine with just what we had until the fish hook was thrown in. to capture me. to do what, i am not sure. in my mind, why show a facade of something more when you want my body which i am already giving to you and make me believe that there is something larger you can offer me. it does not make sense and it angers me. it makes me want to end everything. everyone knows how much being in relations with others means to me. maybe this is my way of having something without the risk. a numbness to replace having absolutely nothing. i want to be able to see us together truly i promise i want to see us entangled and kissing in ways other than sexual. i want to be able to picture it all. but i will not allow myself to. i will not allow you become a staple of my home with your soda. i need to protect myself. you don't know me *. you just don't. i dont want you to and there are very very very good reasons as to why you will never delve into my psyche. you do not understand how i operate. sure youve seen the scars on my wrist and you can assume in crazy or whatever. i don't even want to know what you think when you see them. the only time that i see you behaving in a way that is soft and sweet is during out intimate times. i am not sure what that means but i do not feel good about it at all. how am i explained to your friends. to know that in this world i am nothing but a body is something that breaks my heart. i appreciate all that you do. the constant texting, seeing me weekly, helping me find my dog, all wondrous. but you do not need to.

i do not need anything from you. i don't want to throw up everytime i think of us. i cannot go through another situation that causes me to pull my hair out, stop eating, and overall disintegrate. you did not see me in that. i did not let you see me in that. you don't get the pain. i am not like you. there are things wrong with me that i never need you to be exposed to. so please let us just be this. do not make this more. or maybe i am taking human decency as doing the absolute the most. i am an object. i know this. no one would ever want anything from me other than sex. i have tried to dispute this. to have faith in the way that love works. but after countless tries there is nothing that proves otherwise. do not treat me as if i am anything other than someone to have sex with. a girl like me sees a crumb and fantasizes about a buffet.

[hyunverse]

yes i do! i grew up in boston and ended up getting a rly good scholarship at a school here in nyc so i live here now :)) it’s not too bad. tbh it’s pretty much the same as boston just a little bigger. andddd what’s ironic is even tho i’m from two of the like most known cities in america, i am terrified of rodents 😭. i see them quite often in nyc but not as much in boston. no matter how many times i see them i’m still terrified of them and i am fortunate enough to not be rodent infested 🙏🏼🙏🏼. also yep teef in the muscles is the best way to do it. i want to eat minhos thighs. like chomp is an understatement for what i want to do to those thighs and i have no shame in explaining. the gods ddu du ddu performance …. that’s all i need to say

omfg what is even the point of dating someone like that ?? it’s exhausting. i agree with just wanting to do your own thing. when i was younger i always wanted to date but now i just want to be aloneeeee. i do miss aspects of being a relationship but tbh i’m fine w waiting to experience that w someone like every day yk ?

hey man technique is technique 😏. also yes hyunjin and felix hand comparison makes me crazy. ngl i’m big on size diff and hyunjin just does it for me. so tall and lankyyyyyy he’s just my type. like no joke he is my exact type all around but especially physically. nothing better than a feminine man with so much androgynous energy and duality. like it makes me insane. when i get home i want to measure my hands so i can compare mine w everyone’s. im sure it will be drastic so i will keep you posted ! how tall are you?? im 5’1 .. 😟 it’s bad ik

watch me cry at how sweet you are rn 🥲. u make me blush 🙄. i did take some earlier this morning and i’m trying to drink as much as i can (maybe i’ll purposely forget to do all of this just so you can come here but you didn’t hear that from me 😇😇😇). CONGRATULATIONS THAT IS SO AWESOMEEEEE!!!! you should be so proud of yourself and know i am very very proud of you as well <33 that is literally so amazing, hard work pays off my love 🫶🏻 that’s so awesome. if we happened to not live all the way across the world from each other i’d treat you to a delish meal but i guess our lives failed us on that one >:|. what’s ur fave food btw ? sending hugs back to ur sweet self 💗💗💗💗💗💗💕💕💕💕💕 and a happy heart attack bc u deserve it hehe

- 🐈‍⬛ much love from ur g <333

that sounds nice!! honestly, from experience, moving from one state to another is quite tough. i’ve been living in the city my entire life, but had to make an entire 180° for university life ‘cause my campus is in a village! like an entire village — on the way to my campus, there’s a sign that says, “welcome to ***** village!” good god u can imagine my terror 💀 the facilities are not bad but definite different compared to the city </3 okay i sound like a brat, don’t i? anyway! bae, i’m dead terrified of them nasty rodents too. i feel like puking at the sight of them </3 so i 💯 understand you honestly.

CHOMPING ON HIS THIGHS YEP YEP. minho needs to drop the workout routine cs god his thighs are. . . sighs dreamily. love em. wanna bite em. talking abt that performance. . . lee yongbok. i will never forget that signature ab showing move tbh. gonna show them to my kids being all like this is ur uncle felix! (get it? cs imma marry hyunjin frfr! yes pls entertain my delulu pls pls)

RIGHT i feel like my past experiences and friends’ relationships are the cause of me not wanting one </3 scared me off legit. i think imma stick to writing 🙏 why experience it rn when i can be delulu with u?

UR TYPE AND MY TYPE MUST BE THE SAME THEN CS I LOVE TALL AND LANKY MEN MMM EAT THAT GENRE UP ALL THE TIME! when they’re 90% legs and have big hands? call me up. call me up‼️that is my type right there.

yes keep me posted with the hand comparison, baby. tell me ur hand size too so i can compare with me 🙏 i’m 5’2 so we’re both not that far off HELP. short gang ig 😔

PLEASE DONT FORGET 💔 MY ANGEL I AM TOO BROKE TO FLY TO AMERICA 💔 ONE DOLLAR IS ABOUT FOUR MYR 💔 PLS TAKE CARE OF URSELF 💔 AND THANK YOU BABY!! means a lot from u hehe. i have sm fave food dang. . . it’s hard to choose. i like steak, and ramen and this malay dish u call tomyum! very yummers. also loveee hotpots. i could eat hotpot everyday of my life. and donuts!! what about yours, darling?

you make me blush too ^__^ kisses to u frm me!!