#CGI was great but the lighting was a bit bright in some places

[silvadour]

[popculturebuffet]

Sparkshortstravaganza! (Commissioned by WeirdKev27)

Well this was a needed kick in the pants. When I first heard of the Sparkshorts program I was excited. As a kid I loved PIxar, as an adult I love pixar and as an old man dealing with the loss of his partner floating away in my balloon house, i’ll still love pixar. So the idea of a program focused on giving new fresh talent the room to do whatever they wanted and make content that would be on Disney Plus, a platform BADLY bereft of original animation? It was a dream come true and the first one I saw Kitbull is easily a masterpiece and something that I can vividly recall every part of to this day, which for my terrible short term memory recalling EVERYTHING is a rare feat few works have achived.  But given I have a REALLY bad habit of letting things I want to watch sit there if I don’t jump on them immediately.. I let it sit there and didn’t touch any of the shorts and mostly forgot about the program until now. Until Kev, my patron and the only person paying for reviews at the moment, though others are more than welcome wink wonk, just decided what the heck and to test out comissioning shorts picked these ones because why not. And given I had been dragging my feet and reading the descriptions found creative and suprisingly heavy premises... I was fully on board And better late than never because along with Soul this program has EASILY restored my faith in the company after Onward really disapointed. Granted they’ve done worse, while there are pixar films I haven’t seen I need to like Coco or Cars 3, I’ve vowed NEVER to watch Cars 2 unless I have to and that vow has served me well so far. The shorts here are as a whole beautifully animated, have a ton of wonderful concepts and even the two weaker ones are still gorgeous to look at and a decent watch regardless and both come from a very well meaning place with a very well meant message. So yeah i’m thankful for this comission and to show you why let’s go through every Sparkshorts so far and see why their so awesome.. after some background of course. 

Sparkshorts, for the uniniated, is a program by pixar where animators are given six months and a limited budget to create a film based on personal experince. The program was designed to test out new ways of animating, directing and creating and to find a creative “spark” in it’s employees. Thus each film feels unique, has it’s own style.. and is utterly charming. I’ll be looking at them chronologically as while this wasn’t my watch order, I feel it’s a bit neater that way. I’ve already taken long enough to get to watching these, let’s open these films up and see what makes them tick shall we?

Purl: An Adorable Yarn Ball Vs Toxic Masculinity  Purl.. was better the more I thought about it. The first short released, it DOES have a good message and killer animation. The film takes place at B.R.O., a dude broey brockerage firm that’s painfully relasitic both in how broey it is and in how it looks. That’s to contrast our heroine: Purl, an adorable ball of yarn who just wants to be accepted but is instead ignored by the rest of the company till she changes herself up, donning a suit like her co workers she badly wants to fit in with and adopting their wolf of wallstreet esque douchebaggery. She finally gets accepted.. but ends up shedding her new self to help another Yarn Ball starting up.  Director Kristen Lester drew from personal experince, starting work at animation in a mostly male dominated workplace and thus having to adapt and only letting the femine side she’d repressed out when she moved to working at pixar, which had more female employees. The film DOES have a good message about toxic workplaces and toxic masulinty and learning the personal story did raise it a few notches as it made it clear to me that what SEEMED like an over exageration.. was probably just a light exageration given the kind of bro antics we’ve heard about at companies like Ubisoft. So while I didn’t like the film much at first honestly.. it’s over the top because it NEEDS to be because even though it’s 2021.. some idiots STILL don’t get it and kids are better off learning it now so it’ll hopefully stick when their entering the workforce. So we’ll get more people like perl willing to make a change and stick up for those like her and less dude bros. Still a decent and clever short with Perl’s bro form looking really neat and the animation on her in general is really fucking gorgeous. All in all not the best of these but still pretty good and while a bit thick on the message.. it kinda has to be. 

Smash And Grab: A Jaunty Ride to Freedom

This was a really fun one. Directed by Brian Larson and inspried by his need for a break from routine this follows two robots, the titular smash and grab who are designed to well.. smash and grab coal-like energy things for a train and have for years and years. The two long to high five, but can’t because their hooked to tubes so they can’t escape. But one day Smash looks out the window and not only sees fellow robots living a better life.. but a way to power him and his buddy/love intrest? I mean bromance or romance, either way it works. Point is our heroes escape, and have to fight security.  It’s just a really damn fun and creative movie. While robots wanting a better life isn’t new, the crisp art deco animation, breakneck pace, fun gags and heartwearming relationship between the two bots is just charming as hell. It’s just a fun ride the whole way through with a lot of heart and creativity with the two’s way they throw coal to one another used to take out the guards, and all together just some really good set pieces. Easily one of my faviorites here and that’s a high water mark to pass. 

Kitbull: Tiny Orphan Kitty + Big Abused Doggo = Best Friends

As I said this is the only one of these I saw before today and as I said it’s stuck with me. I love dogs. I have one of my own named Yoshi whose just a sweet boy. So i’ve always loved ALL DOGS.. and was thus horrified years ago when I learned about the stigma Bulldogs get. Seen as “agressive’ and “Mean’ and victious.. when really a lot of them, including my grandpa’s own pitbull when I was little, are just loveable as any other dogs. And having also known a former fighting dog my friend owned, if a much smaller min pin rather than a pitbull, who by the time I met him had become the sweetest dog you’d ever meet.. yeah.. don’t mistreat a dog just because some assholes force it to fight to the death because their sick, horrible, ghastly human beings.. if they can even be CALLED human beings after doing that to these poor animals.  My point is it’s nice to have a short about such a needed subject. Director Rosana Sullivan actually had the idea for the short for years and intended to do it as a side project, but when the program cropped up she moved it to pixar and the result is one of the most popular and easily one of the best of an already bright bunch, brought on by her love of animals and working in a shelter. It’s also one of Pixar’s first 2d animated projects and proves their just as good at that as cgi.  It’s the touching story of a kitty whose alone in the world and initally mistrustful and hissy at a big dog she finds and is naturally scared of.. until she grows to bond with the dog, realizing much like a LOT of fucking people need to that pitbulls.. are just dogs and often victims of circumstance and the poor, sweet pooch who just wants his owner to love him.. is instead thrown into a fighting pit, nearly killed and forced to make a daring escape with their new forever friends help. It’s through this wonderful, heartrending friendship that the dog finds freedom and the cat.. finds them both a home, no longer running from people but instead making sure they both get a person. It’s often brutal at times, with the scene of the dog being forced to fight being one of the most striking: while we thankfully don’t see the action, we HEAR IT, as does the poor kitty, and we see the aftermath: a friendly harmless dog thrown out into the cold just because it dosen’t WANT to fight. It’s just really heartrending stuff that makes the happy ending all the better. It’s also gorgeiously animated which I mentioned but i’ll say it again; the animation here is GOREGOUS, unqiue and stunning. Go watch this if you haven’t. 

Float: This is Why Krakoa Exists

This.. has easily been the hardest to review of the bunch. While ALL of these stories are very personal, very inclusive and very intresting, this one.. is a bit rougher than most of them and hits REALLY close to home. See this one was built out of director Bobby Rubio’s experinces raising his son who has autisim. 

It’s about a dad who discovers his infant son can float... and thus gets stares of fear or judgment from eveyrone around him slowly getting broken down by this. So he makes a HORRIBLE judgment call and rather than just accept some people are assholes, weighs his son’s backpack down with stones despite him hating it then drags him away when he ends up floating off, before screaming at the poor kid WHY CAN’T YOU BE DIFFRENT.. He DOES instantly regret this and the ending is genuinely touching as the father finally accepts his son is different and throws him into the air while on a swing, letting his son soar as he always should’ve. It is a beautifully animated and well meant film and the filipino representation is truly great: Rubio originally was going to have the characters as white but his fellow animators convinced him to go for represntation and be true to himself and honestly in a time when disney itself has had to be fought to get queer representation most of the time, it’s nice that pixar at least is a part of it that throughly encourages representation and will gladly put diversity and representation over any bullshit “risk factors”.  That being said.. while this was a decent short with a very well intentioned message and it clearly connected with a lot of people.. it wasn’t for me and I say this as someone who has autisim. As someone who has worn down people’s patince and been starred at by a freak for something I was way too young to properly deal with.  I’ve been in this Kid’s shoes. 

And that’s the problem: The metaphor dosen’t really work for me. While auitism CAN have some benifits and I wouldn’t be any other way i’d be lying if I said it was easy having trouble commuincating, constnatly misreading people, constnatly worrying if someone’s going to like you, and hyperfocusing on a problem instead of being able to set it and forget it for a bit to my own detriment. There’s other problems and not ALL of my issues come from anxiety disorder: I also have anxiety and depression. They just bleed badly INTO said autisim sometimes, as it’s hard to effectively combat anxiety sometimes when your mind won’t let you. 

What i’m saying is... there aren’t any FAULTS in his powers. See i’m a fan of x-men, so I can only see this boy as a mutant, and yes I know they usually manfifest at puberty but there have been exceptions so don’t at me.. and one of them who has no real downsides other than the unfair stigma of being a mutant. He’s more like storm, who can control the elements and whose power only enhances her life nad lesss like say Rogue, who looks normal.. but can’t touch anyone without knocking them out at best or horribly abosrbing them into her head at worst. There’s no downside other than the fact people judge him and his dad is a dick about it.  And the dad part is hard because I get what Rubio is going for: parents make mistakes, parents mess up and their only human even if they should embrace their kids anyway. That’s a good message and one I support.. I just think Rubio was way TOO hard on himself and thus made his stand in into an unlikeable asshole, one whose more concerned with how everyone ELSE thinks and does the horribly abusive action of basically tying his son’s wings down so he can’t fly. He mans well, it’s so his son dosen’t float off.. but instead of finding a way to help him and work with him on it.. he just stuffs rocks in his back and forces the kid to be miserable so other people can be happy. It just goes way too far in the other direction to work. As I said I think it’s the guy being too hard on himself, manifesting his worst moments with his kids and his biggest regrets and making himself into a very hard to like character because he has trouble forgviing himself for how he acted. So I want to say if you ever read this bobby while I wasn’t hte biggest fan of your film.. I do wholly support you and your son.. and the fact you made an entire FILM just to show your sturggle and show people there not alone was a beautiful act. You are not a bad person , we all make mistakes and we’re all just human. You are a good man Bobby Rubio. I may of not liked your metaphor... but your message is beautiful. 

Wind: Immigration by Way of Rocket Science

Thankfully moving on.. this one is tied with Kitbull for my faviorite. It has a truly intriguing premise, a great metaphor, stunning animation, and is just really moving, gripping and fun to watch. This one was by Edwin Chang, and as is usualy by now, it was built on personal experince.. but not his. It was built on the fact his father was an immigrant who had to leave his mother, Chang’s grandmother, behind to a better life. She rejoined them eventually but it left an impact on his father and thus serves as the core of this story. And honestly knowing that only STRENGTHENS an already impresssive sci fi short.  It’s the story of a boy, apparently named Ellis so i’ll use that, and his grandmother who live in a bizzare, hauntingly beautifuly stygian sinkhole that has floating rocks and debris. The two spend their day farming potatoes and grabbing whatever they can to hopefully make their way out. But it becomes clear to young Ellis after they find a plane his grandmother wants HIM to go alone and escape and is willing to sacrifice herself.. and ends up having to trick the boy into thinking sh’es going along in order to get him to do what he needs to surivive and thrive. It’s a truly gut wrenching story as even when she seems to have found a way for them both to leave.. it’s very clear she’s simply training him with all the welding tools and what not so he has skills to make it out there on his own in the unknown. So he can live without her.. but more importantly.. so he CAN LIVE. Away from the darkness, not having to scrape and to surivive and hopefully find something better out there. While the old parental figure sacrifciing thsmelves so the youngun can start hteir journey isn’t new.. it’s the unique, beautiful and haunting setting and the emotoin, conveyed only through the utterly beautiful animation that make this story feel fresh, along with it’s great metaphor. This short is just haunting, beauitful and really damn sad, and I only dont’ have all that much to say because it’s all in the visuals. The only thing I have left is like all of these really, watch it. But especailly this one. 

Loop: Enough Said

This is part of the reason I didn’t like Float all that much. Loop is just.. way better at conveying the experinces of having auitism. While Renee is a more severe case than me I can relate to what kicks off the film: Renee, usually paired with an adult at the camp she at, is forcibley paired with a chatty boy named Marcus. While Marcus is eager to go home and has no idea how to interact with the two the two genuinely bond, with Marcus slowly getting into Renee’s world. The key scene for this and the one that clinches the film is Renee waving her hands over the reeeds in the water, throughly enjoying it with marcus not getting it.. till he tries himself. Director Erica Milsom, whose worked with autistic children and picked this medium entriely because i’ts perfect for a non verbal character and is one that can tackle heavy issues like this in a way to help people understan, really wanted to counter most depections of severe autisim, paticuarlly sensory issues. While we see the good in them instead of JUST her freaking out or being overwhelemed: how her sounds and the things she feels truly relax her and how she really DOES enjoy nature and is perfectly at home there. It’s just a beautiful way to show this disablility is not ALL bad, as many works tend to focus soley on the drawbacks. While I had my issues with Float part of it was it had too much good.. but Loop is superior at this simply because it shows both with unflinching honesty: The beauty of something that calms and relaxes your brain or a touch or sensation that just FEEELS really good, things that while again i’m not on the same level as Renee.. I can still fully relate to.  But what puts it over float besides not having a messy metaphor is it DOES show the issues that come with it.. but does so WELL and with nuance. It shows how isolating autisim can be, especially for someone like Renee who can’t talk, how people are sometimes freaked out by you and don’t know how to interact with you and how adults can MEAN WELL, and the counsler setting them off was a good idea in the end... but can also be misguided and not fully know how to handle you without overwhelming you. It shows just how bad a panic attack can be, how you can just.. shut down and drive away. It was easily the sequence that hit the hartest and resonated the most as I’ve had those, and i’ve just shut down with no one able to reach me.. and it makes it all the more touching as Marcus eventually realizes how to handle things, and gives her space despite the setting son and the peril of being stranded.. because he realizes she needs it and offers to simply be there when she’s ready. It’s a touching, wonderful gesture, capped by him giving her a reed.. and the two heading home finally udnerstanding one another.This one is very close to wind in my heart and I think I found even more love for it writing this review and realizing just how much it hit me. And that ain’t bad. 

Out: Be Proud of Who You Are.. with the help of a gay cosmic space cat 

Speaking of hitting close to home and really resonating with me, we have Pixar’s first short with a gay main character, with his sexuality being the center of this. And as a bi person who had struggle accepting his sexuality let alone telling anyone, even when you know someoen will likely accept you.. this naturally hit hard. I took some time to realize I was bi, and when I did I was terrified of telling my mom, despite her being loving, supportive and just wonderful, same with my brother. Both fully accepted me as I figured and had no issue with it, esepcially sine my romantic history is nearly non existant anyways, but I related to our hero Greg’s fears of coming out to his parents despite them being utterly wonderful, well meaning people. It’s hard to come out, it’s hard to admit that about yourself, and it’s hard knowing you may not be accepted or things may change. I had an even harder time coming out to my dad, who I fully expected being a trump supporter and having said “if gay marriage is leagal I should be able to marry my cat”, to not support me and to loose him.. and was proud and suprised when nope, he was utterly supportive and happy for me.. if a bit awkward with the “be careful with sex” advice.. to someone whose had none and may never will due to being awkward as shit. But he meant well and the point is I really related to this, and it’s easily one of the best coming out stories of this kind, tied handily with Schitt’s Creek’s episode about Patrick coming out to his parents that dealt with the same theme.  And naturally given the nature of these shorts it was a story close to Stephen Clay Hunter’s heart, as he group up a gay nerd in the 80′s a time when homophobia was even worse and representation was near non-existent. So when given the shot he wanted to make something for a young him, something they can look at and point to and tha’ts me. And the behind the scenes short for this one sold just how... big this felt for him. To draw two men in love and embrcing, to see guys mo capping that. To see someone LIKE him on screen. It shows just how important representation is and how dumb it is it took 20 goddamn years at pixar for them to get gay. 

The short itsel is delightful as we open with a gay space cat and dog appearing in a rainbow. The Cat and Dog are watching Greg, a nice young man whose moving out of his small town with his boyfriend Manuel.. only to panic when his parents who he hasn’t come out to show up to help move and try and hide the one photo he has of them. And despite Manuel seeing it as a very easy thing to do to come out.. it’s not for Greg. He knows it’s hard and a scene of him practicing shows the poor guy breaking down at the thought of telling them despite getting every indicatio their nice people.  It’s then the whole Space Cat thing comes in as the cat enchanted Greg’s dog’s collar, so when greg puts it on as  a jest, it’s a body swap! So naturally we get tons of REALLY well animated shenanigans as Greg has to get his body back. Seriously the animation here is gorgeous with director Hunter choosing the painted on , impercet style to give it a storybook feel which fits the story perfectly.. seriously if Disney hasn’t made a story book of this do so.. and if they won’t someone on etsy do it because Etsy is apparently where the merch companies should be making happens.

The point is it’s fun, furious and leads to some great gags.. and then we get the emotional punch to the godnand as Greg bites his mom’s hand in order to prevent her finding a photo of him and his boyfriend. He instnatly regrets it, and breaking the photo in the process and goes to comfort her.. and we get easily the most emotinal, most beautiful part of it as Greg finds out his mom is hurt as she can clearly tell he’s keeping her at arms length and dosen’t want to loose him.. and she’s known all along he was gay.. just like the Schitts Creek example it’s clear she’s hurt a bit her son is scared to tell her but just wants him to be happy. So with a brilliant use of a squeaky toy greg switches back.. and comes out, with his dad warmly hugging miguel when he introduces himn and the space dog crying. Just a beautiful, charming, fun, and gorgeously animated short with some badly needed representation.

Also... one last note. This isn’t related to the short.. but Disney, who once again proves they can’t be progressive without stabbing themselves in the foot and no I will not stop giving out about this. This time’s especailly bad as while Out was heavily promoted.. the descripton DOSEN’T mention it having Pixar’s first gay lead and goes out of it’s way to hide Greg being gay despite the fact the short dosen’t and his being in the closet is the whole conflict of the short. And the not mnentiong the first gay lead thing is noticable because Loop DID rightly point out it was their first non verbal proganist. You can’t.. brag about being progressive about one thing and then try to hide your being progressive about another you idiots. Plus the “pleasing the bible belt” ship has sailed and left port. Ducktales is gay as hell with Penny being gay, even if Disney won’t let her just come out and say it, the crew still had her say it as much as they could, Violet’s dad’s being gay, Della being bi and Webby and Lena being as close to a couple you can get without disney screaming at them no. Andi Mack is fully avaliable on D+ as well.. well okay not fully because the dad turned out to be a pedophile, but still a series with a fully gay character is out there. And finally Owl House got TONS of press for having a bi progatanist and having her love intrest be a girl. Even if Dana Terrance had to FIGHT for that, and rightly so good on her, the point is you have queer characters already. The groups that hate you for that aren’t going to magically stop hating you because you hide the fact a short anyone can see from minute one is very , beautifully gay, I mean it starts with a very swishy space cat emerging from a rainbow atop a pink dog. COME ON. I only have a few words left for disney..

Okay whew, one more and we’re out of here. 

Burrow: It’s Okay to Ask for Help and To Bang a Willing Salamander This was the first one I watched today. In hindsight had I properly researched the shorts and realized how heavy they were I probably would’ve saved this one for later to help balance out the deep feels of some of these. While Burrow is VERY VERY good, as all these shorts have been even Float, it’s subject matter is a lot lighter. I mean so far we’ve had stories about toxic masculinity, animal abuse, issues accepting your child is diffrent, sacrficing yourself so your loved one can have a better life, autisim and coming out of the closet. Even Smash and Grab which is light and breezy.. still has a disney death, and is still about a heroic rush to freedom from slavery whenyou think about it. This one.. is about an insecure bunny whose afraid to ask for help and ends up learning to get it while ending up plumiting through a bunch of comedic set pieces. It’s basically if Winnie the Pooh and Bugs Bunny had a baby comedy wise, it has the warm feeling of pooh art wise, a storybook quality tha’ts utterly adoring.. but director Madeline Sharafan specifccally wanted the animators to take after chuck jones, using lots of great expressions and reactions. It has a real classic theatrical screwball comedy vibe and given The Looney Tunes, Droopy, and Tom and Jerry mean the world to me and i’m glad nto reocnnect with 2/3 thanks to HBO Max.. I fucking loved it. 

Burrow is still a personal story and is based on Sharifan’s experinces having trouble colaberating, wanting something to be fully baked before showing it off, something I agian relate to. She often hid from the others and refused to show her work until it was done while everyone else was happy to help. And as the previously used to slam disney hard with something they own Hickman Era of X-men has shown.. colaboration is just better and more freeing. By having friends and colleuge s to bounce off of you refine ideas, see how people react to them and grow a bit and that’s what the shorts about. 

The plot is easily the simpliest of these: A young bunny wants to build her dream burrow but gets self concious when she runs into a friendly mole and rat living next door to where she wants to build and keeps digging to find both privacy and her own place.. and instead ends up digging into various shenangians and other burrows from frogs, to hedgehogs to most memorably some Salmanders taking a sauna.. and in the best and most ‘how the fuck did they get away with this bit of it”, one of the salamanders ends up .. gladly removing his town and being liike “You wanna do this? I mean I got an hour free” And i’m just saying while now wasn’t the time and the offer was a little awkward i’d go for it if I was her. I mean at least ask him out for coffee later. He seems nice enough if low on boundries. Then ride him until the morning light girl, ride it. She also finds the Demon Bear from New Mutants at one point.. so that’s where he retried to after danny kicked his ass again. Neat. 

But eventually our heroione digs herself too deep and ends up hitting water before finding a 

Who sees her crumpled plans and then does the stygian call of the badger to call all the other animals to help and after they escape the flood, the bunny finally realizes their good people and lets them see the plans. So we end on our heroine and her new friends and possible salamander lover helping her settle in as she finallyg ets the home she wanted, complete with disco. I mean every home should have a disco. If I didn’t have a ceeling fan i’d have a disco ball.. and I still want one just to set somewhere or hang away from the fan . Let me dream dammit. Overally a fun, hilarious, mad dash short with a good message and a good note to go out on.

Final Thoughts: Overall.. the Sparkshorts program is fucking spectacular, a great way to let some of Pixar’s staff get into the directors chair and really shine, and a way to tackle issues that they may not be able to get greenlit into a full film. Lushily animated, well produced, Pixar has announced MORE are coming and I cannot wait. Thank you kev for comissioning this, and thank you all for reading. If your new and liked this review, follow this blog as I talk disney all the time: when they come back i’ll be doing regular coverage of Amphibia, Ducktales and the Owl House as new episodes come out every week, and i’m currently doing a retropsective on the three cablleros kev also paid for, with the finale of it, an episode by episode look at the legend of the three cablleros, starting this week. I’m also covering LIfe and times of scrooge mcduck (though infrequently for a bit), and finishing up a look at darkwing duck’s just us justice ducks, started with looks at all the players involved and finshing next week with the episode itself.  So if any of that sounds good to you, check out the archives, but goodbye, goodbye, goodbye for now. 

[jj-lynn21]

Santa’s favorite Elf Part 2:  Ch 5:

Warnings: male masturbation, hot tub flirtation, other flirtation. Can Bill handle “being friends” before lovers again very much longer?

Santa’s fav elf Part 1: ch 1, Santa’s fav elf ch 2, Santa’s fav elf ch 3, Santa’s fav elf ch 4

Santa’s fav Elf Part 2 ch 1, ch 2, ch 3  ch 4 ​ ch6

“You can go faster.” You scream with laughter as you sped across the open snow-covered valley on a snowmobile. “Catch up already.”  

Bill sped to your side jumping a mogul on his machine that put him ahead of you. “What did you say?” He yelled back at you. “Something about you will try to catch up if you can.” His competitive side was not going to let you win a race back to the rental place easily if at all.   

You put the pedal to the metal. Your machine right on the tail of his. You were sweating underneath your hat and heavy clothes. But your eyelashes had snow built upon them. Your nose was red with frost. You were ready for some hot tub time. Gunning the throttle, you ran neck and neck with him. You both slid in opposite directions towards the sign that said stop.     

“I guess you don’t have any fear driving these things.” He got off as two workers came over to drive the snowmobiles into their parking shed.   

You got off the machine. Thighs were a bit sore from having them spread over the seat. Your legs a bit like rubber as you wobbled a little. “No fear at all. Can we go to the hot tub now? I can barely walk normally.”  

“I could use some heating up myself.” He walked you to the rental SUV. “I turned on the heat with the keys when we pulled in on the snowmobiles so it should be about heated up. Do you want to stop at the wiener hut? I heard they have a mac and cheese hotdog.”  

“I’ll eat anything with lots of cheese especially mac and cheese.” He helped you into the SUV.   

Bill chuckled. “That is what I thought.” He patted your hand before driving off to grab lunch.  

Later you were immersed in the hot tub. The area closed off to others for the next half hour. You sat with your head back. A smile on your face as the steam rose. Your frozen toes and nose were now thawed. You breathed in the chlorinated steam clearing your sinuses. You let out a long “mmmmmm” as you relaxed. 

Bill was doing much the same. His eyes were closed. That is until he heard your sound of pleasure. One eye popped open. Then the other. He looked over barely able to see you through the heat. The heat he felt deeper than just his skin. “Hey come over here.” he beckoned.  

You glide over on the water. You ducked your head under to flatten your hair back when you get close enough for him to reach out to you. “This warmed me up quite a bit. How about you?” Your eyes connected with his in a slight flutter of flirtation.  

“Yeah.” His eyes gazed into yours then drifted down over your flattering bathing suit that clung to your breasts. He took a deep breath. “Can I hold you?” 

“If you can handle it.” You grinned.  

He smirked as he pulled you forward. Your eyes on his. Your knees rested on the ledge on either side of his lap. You held on to the wall behind him making sure not to touch him at all. You thought if he was going to break his own rule you were not going to make it easy.  

“Is this how close we will be when we fake it for the camera tomorrow?” You teased. 

“Closer.” He licked his lips. “We will kiss as we have done before.” 

You leaned down to press your lips to him gently before pulling back. “Like that?” You tiled your head questioningly.  

“I think our characters miss each other more.”  

One of his large hands rested on your lower back. The other crept up your back, along your neck, pushing his fingers through your hair until he was palming the back of your head. He coaxed you back down for a more passionate kiss opening his mouth and you reciprocated. You could feel it through your whole body letting out a small moan you did not want to make.  

He pulled you back. His eyes sparkled with lust. The rest of his face placid as if it was all part of the job. “Something like that.” He breathed. “They will stop use several times to position us differently. Do you want to go over your lines and more of this scene back in the room?” 

“I do know my lines but maybe you can give me some pointers.” You suggest. “Work on this scene more also if you think we need it.” 

“It is never good to go in blind.” He moved you to get up. “It is best to be as prepared as possible.” 

“I agree.” He helped you step out of the hot tube wrapping you in a blanket like towel.  

You go into the changing room to dry off. The hair drier there is weak but it is better than nothing. You don’t want to go out in the freezing weather without being as dry as possible. You try to convince yourself you will only be studying lines and working on blocking scenes like they are in the script, but the process excites you.  

Bill is feeling some excitement of his own as he dries his hair. His mind might be telling him to get to know you better, but his body is showing signs of dissension. He decides to rub one out before leaving the changing area. They have a nice bathroom with comforting aquamarine tile. He closes his eyes as he takes his throbbing cock out to stroke. Thinking of.. ”oh fuck” the way the water rolled off your nose to the cleavage of your swimsuit. The way you giggled. The way you looked when you got mad. The way you called him out when he needed it as no one had ever done. How would he ever be able to hold back his desires much longer he thought as he bit his bottom lip so he would not come loudly. 

You waited for Bill patiently near the check-in desk. People were waiting for the pool and hot tub to be open for the general public again which  was supposed to be five minutes ago. Bill came out wrapped in his winter wear. The scarf around his face barely showed even his eyes. It was a way to hide from the public. You knew it was him. He nodded for you to come to the SUV with him. You told the desk clerk thank you for letting you and Bill use the hot tub alone. Then went to join him. 

“Which scene do you think we should go over first?” You asked as he started the vehicle.  

“Do you want suggestions on your big monologue?” He watched the snow-covered road without a glance towards you. 

“Sure.” You turned on the radio and hummed the song playing until it got to the chorus you knew well. Then you sang along.  

Bill just started smiling as you sang. When you noticed your cheeks got hot with embarrassment.  

“Keep going.” He prodded as you got quiet. “The chorus isn’t over yet.” 

You laugh. “I don’t know it that well.” 

He pulled into the hotel. Ease's car rental would pick up the SUV Monday and drop it back in the parking lot Friday evening for Bill to use on the weekends. Joe would drive during the week. After he stripped to his briefs, he jumped in the bed cupping his hands behind his head. 

“Show me how you will bring Santa back Miss. Winterblows.”  

You smirk. Your eyes narrowed as you wrapped your arms around an invisible caldron for your wintertime spell. You carried it across the room as though walking through the winter’s snow. You look up and back down into the mouth of the caldron. Then toss the invisible bag of ingredients beside you. 

“As the bright lights in the skies above as my witness, my Santa will return on this night to seek revenge on those who dared to slander his name and kill him before last Christmas morn. Snow is falling. Christmas Eve is near, There's plenty of magic this time of year.” 

You pretend to dust the caldron with snow and add a handful inside. You keep adding ingredients as you speak. 

“I give to thee freshly fallen snow. A splash of brandy to let spirits flow. I made fresh cookies so into the pot they must go to bring Santa forth. A carrot and orange with colors so bright to feed the reindeer pulling his sleigh tonight. I stir it, please come to me Santa, please come.”  

Your eyes look to Bill, big saucers of freight. You bow to him with a smile. “That’s the first part of the scene. What do you think?” 

“You did that good.” He got up. “Maybe try it bigger. I mean more chanting than conversational. It was sexy how you said it in a lower tone. And I’m not sure they will want you to go bigger, but it is best to have a few different ways to present the material in your back pocket. I always go big first before they calm me down.” He chuckled. “You might want to try it just how you did it first. They will love you have it memorized so well.” 

‘I will probably fuck up a billion times tomorrow in front of the camera.” You tense up a little at the thought. “It will be a little different with all the props and when to pick up what as I am saying the lines, and everyone is watching.”  

“Just stay in the scene,” Bill suggested. “Let the character guide you not the people around the set. They don’t even really exist in the world we will create on film.”  

You nod.  

“Now take a breath.” He took a breath with you. “Do it again. I will come in when Santa makes his appearance. The big fearful eyes worked great. I am not as holly jolly as I once was in the first movie. I think your expression will be much like you just gave me.” 

You repeated your monologue giving that big, frightened look towards him as he stood feet away. “...please come to me Santa, please come.” 

He took a few steps as your eyes were pinned to his. “Santa” You whispered. His (cold dead: the script says) hands reach out for you. You look away. He turns your eyes back on him. Your heart races as it should be according to the script. You cringe as Santa’s tongue licks the side of your face. Bill does this even though the tongue will be a little bit of CGI magic.  

You gasp even though you want to giggle. You close your eyes. The character is supposed to remember Santa as he was and kiss him passionately. You kiss Bill which is much easier than the grotesque dead zombie Santa he will become on set. He kisses you back as his hands reach behind your head to grab your hair roughly. He pulls your head back for his lips to graze and suck at your neck as you make a small coo.  

Bill steps back taking a deep breath as he muttered “cut.”  

You open your eyes standing before him. Chest heaving slightly.  

Bill gazes at you as he licks his lips. “In the script, they cut there to Santa and his girl fucking in the snow. We can do some basic blocking since I have done this before or wait until they tell us how they want it tomorrow?” 

“Teach me everything you know, Bill.” You bite your lips nervously. 

“Take off everything but your panties.” He swallows hard. “I will teach you everything you always want to know about filming a sex scene and more.

[taki118]

How I would have adapted Cats for a movie

So first off the hybrid live action and animation is the WORST choice for this movie. Cats is a spectacle play at its core. The audience can basically forgive everything that’s odd about it cause they’re watching people doing some insane dancing and stunts. The options are 

1- live action with makeup and costumes like the play only with a better budget. This works for spectacle in the “Hey that’s cool looking dance” or “wow look at that makeup.” kind of way   2- full animation on a sliding scale of realistic to anthro I’d go somewhere in the middle. The spectacle here being the animation on display go real hardcore, do some really cool stuff with the medium.

Going with the cgi on live action takes away from BOTH no one is really impressed by what people are doing cause well cgi can enhance it making it feel less impressive and anything done animation wise is limited due the constraints of a human body (it’s why rotoscoping isn’t really done) 

Now while I think the better choice is animation I’d sadly have to go with live action using makeup and costumes as for whatever reason animation is still “kids stuff” and not an art form over here (not bitter at all)

So I think the idea of making Victoria the white cat an audience surrogate was a good choice. How they implemented it by making her a focus character was the wrong one. Cats is an ensemble play their is no main character, there’s characters of varying importance but no main. When you get down to it the plot is a bunch of cats hang together one night for a special event there’s no real arc it’s a slice of life piece at most. So yes to a character new to all this to explain to them rather than directly to the audience like the play. No to making her have a journey.

I would also cut/shorten and re order a LOT of the songs for pacing reasons. Most of the songs do not need to be as long as they are the length is primarily to show off the dancers in the play. Release the full songs with the celebrities in cd after or whatever. This change would allow the cast to breath and talk to give context between songs

In MY version I’d start with Victoria but not by having her thrown out. Have her in a house that’s clearly just been moved into and her looking out to see many cats all going in one direction and being confused/curious she leaves the house and meets up with a group. I’d have the group be Munkustrap, Demeter (I could rant about her being a non entity in the movie but won’t), Alonzo, Jellylorum and one other cat maybe Bill Bailey or Cassandra , for reasons I’ll explain later. (And I realize these names mean nothing haha) They tell her it’s the ball asking if she’s a Jellicle cat and her asking what that is. Thus the song starts as the cats make their way to the junkyard excitedly all saying what it means to be a Jellicle.

Then I’d have Munkustrap take center stage singing about what’s to come and trying to help the others as they prepare the junkyard and have Victoria introduced to the shy Quaxo. As things begin to settle and Munkustrap tries to get the cats settled Rum Tum Tugger appears disrupting everything with his song. His fun is stopped when old Deuteronomy appears causing all the cats to go quite in respect and that song begins with Munkustrap then goes duet with Rum Tum Tugger.

Deuteronomy notices the new cat and approaches her welcoming her to the tribe (cause they’re cats its that easy). Then reprise of the Jellicle song as the ball begins big dance number lots of energy and fun dancing and little character moments. Then it stops we’d pan to Victoria who’s confused hearing all the hissing and is pulled back by Quaxo, Grizabella makes her first appearance.

The song about her is sung and Victoria noticeably wants to reach out to her but is stopped. Grizabella leaves and Munkustrap refocuses everyone reminding them why they are here to make the choice the group I mentioned before all stand beside him. Victoria asks about the choice and Quaxo explains saying each of the heads makes a nomination but Deuteronomy chooses he also expresses his desire to show his talents in magic and be noticed. Rum Tum Tugger interrupts by saying something like you’ll never be noticed sitting in the shadows or something. 

 Now this is a bit of a departure as Munkustrap is typically the one to narrate all the songs but I think this serves to help round the cast out and add some character as each showcase what they feel is impressive. So Munkustrap starts by nominating Jennyanydots and her song begins

Another change would be a scene change for each nomination showing them in their setting, the implication being the narrators singing is bringing the tale to life. 

 Next would be Bustopher Jones by Alonzo or Bill Bailey. Then Demeter would stop the fun going tense and shouting Macvity! They all run and hide but Victoria in her curiosity leaves her hiding place early and looks finding Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer rifling the ball. The song would be much shorter than normal the older cats cutting them off and chastising them. While old Deuteronomy sings reminding them all of the importance of the night and choice. As Grizabella looks on from a distance. 

Next comes Alonzo or Cassandra’s choice Skimbleshanks. Then Jellylorum’s choice Gus the theater cat his song is different from the others however in that they do his old play and as it goes on the more real it becomes, the play starting with the cats in make shift costumes and props from garbage but as it goes on they’re really in costumes and such.

All the cats applaud his performance and begin to dance once more when Grizabella appears again this time however Victoria follows her as she walks away watching as she tries to dance and sings “Memory”. Victoria is stopped from helping by a saddened Deuteronomy who brings her back, unknown to her and the rest Macavity takes Deuteronomy and replaces him. The ball continues as they all discuss who it will be. When Demeter once more shouts Macavity! Munkustrap tries to calm her and Victoria asks who he is. She begins the Macavity song.

Now if Taylor NEEEDS to be a femme fatale we have Demeter singing her part as a warning but Bombalurina is singing like it’s not a big deal and telling everyone not to worry her side winning out and boom trap. 

BUT I wouldn’t do that keep Bombalurina as big sis material. Her part would be placating though as Deuteronomy, Macavity in disguise, follows doing the same.

Either way  Demeter’s senses are right and when he’s placating them all she lunges revealing his disguise then he tries to take her too and fight breaks out. 

When Macavity escapes he shouts “you’d have an easier time conjuring the cat back than finding him” They are left licking their wounds in despair.  

Then Victoria pushes Quaxo saying “can’t you do magic?” He shyly shakes his head when Rum Tum Tugger jumps in and says “Him no! Now the magical Mr. Mistoffelees he could.” and winks to him, the pair scurry off as Rum Tum Tugger begins the song to the unimpressed crowd and they reappear dressed as magician and assistant starting slow as Quaxo gains confidence and we have Victoria showcase her dancing, once they all start cheering him on and the music picks up Deuteronomy appears confused but happy as everyone rejoices. Rum Tum Tugger gives Quaxo a pat on the back and Victoria hugs him.

Deuteronomy and Munkustrap calm them all again singing of the choice when Victoria notices Grizabella. I got two ideas here 

1 Victoria herself nominates Grizabella risking her new place by singing memory with her  2 Victoria convinces Demeter to do so as she hadn’t made a nomination (in the play Demeter is often sympathetic to Grizabella) she sings while Victoria dances with her

Either way Deuteronomy lets Victoria know it’s ok to touch her welcoming her back and the cats embrace her knowing the choice was made. They sing her off, as she approaches the light she asks Deuteronomy what’s on the other side? The response is “happiness” she smiles a bright light takes the screen and they all rejoice in tears. Victoria sits with Deuteronomy who recounts the nights events saying she will make a great Jellicle cat, then pans to the sun rising and the cats retuning home.

And thats how i’d do it.

We get all the main songs, chances for everyone to show off a bit, a fairly straightforward plot but with a satisfying end, lots of chances for fun cinematography and would make an easier viewing experience. I think the biggest problem with the movie is they tried to make something nonsensical make sense and to give a traditional structure to a play that didnt have one and it just doesnt work.

(Oh also in my version Munkustrap and Demeter are blatantly a couple and are always doing cute shit in the background cause fuck you they’re adorable!)

[cherry-valentine]

Spring 2019 Anime Season

Here’s what I’m watching: Gunjou no Magmel is definitely my favorite new show of the season. It has a fun setup that lends itself well to lots of different stories: a mysterious new continent suddenly appears one day, full of new animal and plant life and inspiring people across the globe to explore it. Of course, the place is incredibly dangerous, which is why many people work as professional “rescuers” hired to go and retrieve those who have been lost or trapped in the new continent. The protagonists of the series are a pair of rescuers: the highly skilled and unflappable Inyou and his tech genius sidekick Zero (who doesn’t physically go to the continent but instead controls a drone). Right away the series provokes a feeling of adventure that reminded me somewhat of One Piece. The new continent, known as Magmel, is beautiful and teeming with life. The series wisely presents it in a neutral light. There are dangerous creatures there, definitely, with some seriously horrific body horror imagery (much of it veering into nightmare fuel territory), but the series is quite clear about the fact that these creatures are just behaving naturally. There’s no malice there. In fact, the only truly malicious and cruel actions are performed by the humans who go to Magmel to take advantage of the creatures there for their own profit. Inyou understands this, and is generally sympathetic to the animal and plant life, while still prioritizing the preservation of human life. It’s an interesting balance. It’s also interesting that a show with the above mentioned body horror and nightmare fuel is presented with bright, cheerful, cartoony art and peppy, upbeat music. This is an adventure series, not horror, and sometimes there’s even a degree of beauty in the terrors seen in the mostly standalone episodes. The two leads, Inyou and Zero, are entertaining and have a fun dynamic between them. They act more like family than anything else, with no romantic tension at all so far (and I hope it stays that way). Currently sitting at the top of my watch list.

Ace of the Diamond Act 2 is the sequel series I’ve been looking forward to. The original series was a favorite of mine, with a fairly realistic portrayal of baseball and a team of fun, quirky characters, including Miyuki, the only character that springs to mind when I think of the term, “husbando”. He’s a fan-favorite and incredibly popular for a reason. He’s sharp-witted, the most skilled player on the team, and also has a rather twisted sense of humor (he’s the kind of guy who, upon realizing a new member of the team doesn’t like him, is totally delighted and thinks of how fun that’s going to be). Miyuki gushing aside, the show has great art that rarely goes off-model and somewhat smooth animation. The music so far is okay, nothing special (the opening and ending themes were hit and miss in the original series as well). Main character Sawamura is still annoying (like Asta in Black Clover, he tends to scream rather than speak) but his underdog status and genuine love of the sport and his team make him endearing enough to overlook his negative traits. My only real gripe with the show is its tendency to recap that last several minutes of the previous episode in each new episode, making you wait quite a while to get to the new content. This would be a much bigger deal in marathon viewing, but on a weekly basis, I can deal with it.

Hitoribocchi no Marumaruseikatsu is a cute series about cute girls doing cute things. This is a genre I’m generally not fond of, mainly because the girls in these types of shows tend to be sexualized in a creepy way and their “cute antics” tend to be banal and annoying. In this show, however, neither of those two problems are present. In fact, if the show had a male love interest, it would feel very shoujo to me. The focus of the story is on a shy girl with severe social anxiety trying to make friends in her new school. She’s a bit awkward but cute and earnest, so watching her attempt to talk to strangers is funny but also heartwarming. The small circle of friends that begins to form around her is made up of equally cute and funny girls, each of whom have distinct personalities and character designs. Surprisingly, considering this is based on a manga aimed at male readers, none of the girls seem specifically designed to appeal to a male audience. They come across as genuine, well developed characters. The art and music are cute, but not very notable. My only complaint is the subplot involving a young teacher who takes one look at the blonde, tanned Nako and immediately judges her as a juvenile delinquent and is thus afraid of her. It’s meant to be funny, I suppose, but I find it annoying that a teacher would be so judgmental, especially considering Nako is a quiet, well-behaved student who gives absolutely no indication that she’s a delinquent. Ah well, it’s a relatively minor subplot so I can overlook it.

Bungo Stray Dogs Season 3 was hotly anticipated after a strong season two and the amazing Dead Apple movie. Following a group of supernaturally “gifted” members of a detective agency and their conflicts with other “gifted” groups (including the ruthless Port Mafia), this show is one of the best series of the past several years. It has a bit of Durarara!!’s cool vibe and style, but with a more straightforward story. This is a series that handles all of its various story elements very well, from the action scenes to the heartfelt moments to the comedy, and looks great doing it. I still prefer the comedy and characterization of season one, but only because they were done SO well. The more serious, plot-driven arcs of late are still fantastic. The music is great too, with my favorite opening theme of the season (and there were some outstanding ones this season, so that’s saying something). 

Kimetsu no Yaiba might just be my second favorite new series. Every season has a new show that gets a lot of hype, and in my experience around half of those shows actually live up to that hype. This show is definitely in that good half. With fluid animation, excellent music, and an interesting setup (a young boy’s family is slaughtered by demons, leaving only one sister behind who has become a demon herself, so he trains to become a demon slayer and find a way to turn her back into a human), this series seems primed to become a hit. The protagonist, Tanjirou, is a fairly standard kind-hearted hero training to join a group and accomplish his goal. The series doesn’t tread a lot of new ground in that respect, but it does everything so well that it’s easy to forgive it for not being the most original story. The most interesting aspect is the sister, Nezuko, who instead of being a delicate young flower for him to constantly protect is a demon herself who, in an early scene, literally kicks another demon’s head clean off. She’s a powerful ally in battle, which is refreshing. The other characters haven’t had much screen time yet, but seem fun so far. Overall, it’s a very well-done, if somewhat unoriginal, show. Highly entertaining and high on my watch list.

Midnight Occult Civil Servants is much better than it seems at first glance. Protagonist Arata joins a particular group of civil servants that deal with mythological creatures called “Anothers”. They range from fairies to gods to Japanese-based creatures like Tengu (this mishmash of mythology actually reminds me of Shin Megami Tensei). Arata quickly realizes that he’s the only member of the team who can understand the languages used by the Anothers, and so he becomes a valuable tool when dealing with them. The show presents a variety of creatures with a variety of behaviors. Some Anothers are friendly to humans and mean no harm, while others are outright malicious. Others still are just indifferent. At first, it seems like the show is going to be about Arata clearing up misunderstandings that his fellow team members have about the Anothers, but then the show lets us know that not all Anothers are friendly, and being able to understand their words doesn’t mean Arata can understand their motivations or can do much to stop them from doing bad things. The episodes are often inspired by real life urban legends, and overall has an air of mystery. The art is fine, with interesting, varied character designs but animation that’s just okay. The music is above average though, with my favorite ending theme of the season. It’s not my favorite new show, but it has a secure spot on my watch list.

Attack on Titan Season 3 Part 2 really doesn’t need much of a write-up, since it’s just a continuation of a season that was delayed (and that I already wrote about). I’ll just keep it brief and say it’s still great, is finally getting into one of my favorite arcs from the manga, and has a gorgeous opening theme.

Mobile Suit Gundam Origin is the tv series version of an OVA that details the origins of one of the Gundam franchise’s most popular characters (and one of my all-time favorites): Char Aznable. I never watched the OVA (despite intending to for the longest time) so this is all new content for me. What I find most interesting is the visual style, which looks very much like the classic Gundam art style of the original late 70‘s tv series but with more modern, smooth animation and some CGI mixed in. There’s a strange awkwardness to the art style that feels oddly natural. It was present in the old tv series and it’s present here. It’s kind of hard to explain if you haven’t seen it yourself though. Art aside, the story is definitely interesting. While Char’s basic history had already been revealed years ago, we didn’t really know the details. Char is a complicated character, which explains his popularity several decades after his debut. He was ruthless, cold, and calculating even as a child, but he loved his family very deeply and was surprisingly emotional. There are also badass lady characters to enjoy (who also appeared in the original series - I’ve always found it interesting that a show made in 1979 had more complex, strong, and generally well-written female characters than more modern Gundam series like Wing, Seed/Seed Destiny, and Iron Blooded Orphans). The music is fantastic here, and it’s overall a very solid show. Now I wish they’d remake the original series with this kind of animation (and cut out some of the filler).

Shoumetsu Toshi is, honestly, at the bottom of my list. The animation quality is just okay, with questionable character design choices (for the first few episodes, there were two unrelated female characters with such strikingly similar designs that it was very confusing). The story is a bit of a muddled mess. It mostly follows a young girl who survived a bizarre event where a whole city full of people suddenly vanished (later dubbed “The Lost”), and the young man who has been hired to help her return after she receives a message from her father, who was one of the people that vanished, telling her to come back. The setup is actually very interesting and mysterious. The problem is that the series throws too many concepts and ideas at us way too quickly, and explains none of it. It might be because the show is based on a video game, and the writers assumed people watching the anime would be familiar with the game and its various elements. Already in the show we have time travel, undefined magical powers, totally different powers that allow people to summon the souls of the vanished victims to fight for them like Persona, shadowy organizations doing human experiments, fancy artifacts that grant even more abilities, phantom thieves, idol groups, hackers, detective agencies, and double agents that have infiltrated the police. There’s just way too much going on, and as a result, the core plot that was actually interesting gets crowded out and choked. I’m still watching because the show is still entertaining in a strange way, but it’s a shame that it wasted a lot of its potential.

Carry Over Shows From Previous Seasons: Black Clover

Best of Season: Best New Show: Gunjou no Magmel Best Opening Theme: Bungo Stray Dogs Season 3 Best Ending Theme: Midnight Occult Civil Servants Best New Male Character: Inyou (Gunjou no Magmel) Best New Female Character: Nako (Hitoribocchi no Marumaruseikatsu)

[danfanciesphil]

Give Me A Try (New Chapter)

Gay Instagram Model/Bartender Phan AU Part 7

(Part One)

(Part Two)

(Part Three)

(Part Four)

(Part Five)

(Part Six)

(Read on Ao3)

“Thanks again for doing this, Dan. It’s really nice of you,” Phil is saying, though Dan is barely listening. He’s typing the various codes and instructions Phil had reeled off a moment ago into the notes of his phone, but mostly he’s trying to keep himself from looking Phil in the eye.

“It’s really not a problem,” Dan says, shrugging. He pockets his phone, wrapping his arms around his middle. “Your flat is, like, ten times nicer than mine. Not to mention super close to the bar.”

Phil smiles, though he still looks abashed. Perhaps Dan should invite him round to his shitty Kemptown flat one day, then Phil might feel less guilty for asking Dan to house-sit.

“I’m gone until Wednesday,” Phil informs him, grabbing a jacket from the row of hooks nearby. “I’ll be back around midday, probably jetlagged and grumpy as hell, so you might wanna steer clear of me.”

Phil laughs, and Dan infers that this is Phil’s polite way of asking him to be gone by Wednesday lunch time. “Got it. I should have everyone out of here by then.”

Phil pauses, one arm in one sleeve, an adorable frown caught on his befuddled face. “Who out of where?”

“Oh, all the hundreds of people I’ll be inviting round for a week-long orgy.”

Dan’s straight face seems to catch Phil off guard for a split second, and then he laughs, giving himself away. Phil dissolves into laughter with him, tongue caught between his teeth.

“Just put a cover over the couch, yeah? It’s velvet. Stains easily.”

“Ooft, no promises.” Dan jokes back. His heart pangs as the easy banter slips off his tongue.

Doing this jokey back and forth with Phil used to be fun. It used to excite him, how effortlessly they could buffet off one another’s humour; now, in the wake of Tyler’s words the other day, it’s just painful. This ‘friendship’ with Phil had once seemed like a miracle. Now all Dan can see is a pretence. He hasn’t told Tyler about the fact that Phil has asked him to stay in his flat, because it just seems further proof that Phil is only using him.

But Dan’s weak, and he couldn’t refuse Phil anything if he tried.

“...and I’ll call and check in now and then just to make sure you’re okay,” Phil is saying, Dan realises with a start. He nods, trying to show he’s been listening, and Phil beams at him, jacket zipped up. “So, see you in a week then, I guess!”

Dan’s about to go in for a safe handshake, but then Phil is wrapping an arm around him, his other hand on the handle of his suitcase. He squeezes Dan tight, and Dan lets out a sound that he hopes is muffled by the broad, warm chest he’s smushed against.

He’s released after a moment, and he’s pretty sure he’s bright red. He nods, taking a swift step backwards. “Y-yep, see you. Have fun in the Maldives.”

Phil rolls his eyes, making an ‘ugh’ sound. “Not likely.”

It seems a bizarre reaction, but Dan is used to Phil speaking about his work with distaste at this point. Dan tries to stave off judgement, but it’s difficult to view these eye rolls and grimaces as anything other than ungrateful. Phil is going to spend a week pouting for a camera on a beach in the blazing sunshine. Dan is going to spend this week sweating behind a bar, then crawling home to someone else’s sofa to eat his weight in crisps and fall asleep.

“Well, uh, send me some pics,” Dan says, not sure what else to say. For whatever reason, the idea of this seems to perk Phil up.

“I will!” He gives Dan a small wave as he opens the door, and then, right before it closes, he blows a kiss. “By-eee!”

The door clicks shut behind him, and Dan stares at it for a moment, replaying that kiss in his mind. “Bye,” he whispers to nobody.

*

Friday nights are karaoke, and it usually gets a little messy. The gays love to sing, and with a few drinks in their system, they’re practically unstoppable. More often than not, the hardest part of the evening is dragging them off stage when it’s closing time.

With the help of Matt, Dan manages to boot the last few out of the door, and sighs in relief. Now there’s just a final clear up to do, and he can wander down the road to crash at Phil’s. He grabs a rag and starts wiping down the bar.

“Dodie, could you switch the music off?” Dan calls.

“On it!”

“Lara, would you grab a mop? I think the guy’s bathroom could use a once over.”

“Already did it, Dan!”

Dan lifts a smile to her, impressed. She’s sealing the mop and bucket back in the cleaning cupboard already. “Thanks, you’re a star.”

“What shall I do, boss?”

Dan turns to face Tyler, who is smiling sheepishly at him from the other end of the bar. “You’re as much of a boss as I am, Ty. Figure your own jobs out.”

It comes out a little bit colder than he intends it to, but Tyler is undeterred. “Don’t equate such lowly peasants with yourself, boss!”

Tyler scoots close, then grabs the rag from Dan’s hand. “Hey!” Dan exclaims.

“Let me do that,” Ty says, still beaming. “You’re tired. Go home, I’ll lock up.”

“It’s my turn,” Dan points out.

“Pfft,” Tyler say, swiping the rag through the air. “I don’t mind. Besides, I’ve got Dodie and Lara to help me.”

Dan sighs, wanting to protest. He knows this is Tyler’s way of apologising for what he said about Phil the other night, but it makes Dan uncomfortable. Sure, Tyler had said some things Dan didn’t exactly want to hear, but that doesn’t mean he shouldn’t have said them. His apologies are unnecessary.

“Fine,” Dan says, exasperated. “But I’m locking up tomorrow.”

Tyler holds the rag up, and places his other hand over his heart. “Scout’s honour.”

Dan shoots him a tight smile, then squeezes out from behind the bar. He crosses the dancefloor to the staff room and gathers his things. As he’s coming out, he notices Tyler and Dodie in a deep discussion that ends abruptly when they spot him.

Wanting to groan, Dan shakes his head at them. “Guys, I’m not a fucking idiot okay, I know you’re talking about me.”

“It’s just…” Dodie swallows, her eyes darting to Tyler’s briefly. “We’re worried. Are you okay? You’ve been really quiet since…”

She trails off.

“Since I shoved my foot in everything and tore you to pieces for just having a crush,” Tyler finishes. “I’m sorry about that.”

“Ty, you’ve apologised literally like fifty times,” Dan reminds him, already pulling on his jacket.

“I know but… I just don’t want you to think that anything I said was anything except me lashing out because of my own love troubles,” Tyler says, walking over to him. “I don’t think Phil is intentionally being a dick to you. I just let all the gossip from the bar filter into my brain.”

“We’re just worried,” Dodie says again, biting her thumb.

“Well, that’s all very sweet,” Dan says, sighing. “But you don’t have to worry anymore. You were right in a way, it’s not very healthy for me to be so… close to him. I’m distancing myself for the time being.”

Technically, technically, there’s a lot of distance between he and Phil right now. Over 5,000 miles, in fact. This probably doesn’t count, however. After all, he saw Phil earlier on today, and will probably be texting him from his very own couch later on. Dodie and Tyler don’t need to know this, though.

Dan watches with mild despair as the two of them exchange one of their long, loaded glances; it’s filled with unspoken concern.

“Okay, I’m off,” Dan announces before either of them can verbalise it. He gives a brief wave, then heads for the door. “See you gays tomorrow.”

“Wait, Dan-” Tyler begins to say, but Dan just throws him another dismissive wave.

“Bye!” He calls, then wrenches open the door and steps out into damp morning chill.

*

Phil has every season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer on DVD, along with all of Game of Thrones, every Studio Ghibli movie, and most Marvel films. Once he’s let himself into Phil’s flat, checked the houseplants, removed his jacket and shoes, and made a de-stress cup of tea, Dan kneels before Phil’s collection. He’s down there for a good ten minutes before settling on Captain America as his choice for a wind-down film.

He pops it in the DVD player and loads it up, then settles into Phil’s deliciously comfy couch to watch. As the opening credits roll, he snaps a photo of his hand holding the mug of tea, the film’s title screen in the background. He dithers, unsure whether to post it to his newly popular Instagram. His overtired brain is too mushy to think about it too much, so he slaps a warm filter on it, and posts it with the caption:

cap’s helping me wind down after a long shift

It immediately starts being hit with likes and comments, which is too much for Dan to comprehend right now, so he just locks the phone and shoves it in his pocket. He’ll read the comments tomorrow.

Dan’s just getting to the bit where Chris Evans’ CGI skinny body is being pumped up into his muscly self, when his phone trills. Confused, Dan pauses the film and reaches for it. Phil’s name stares out from the screen. He swipes it immediately, already bolt upright with concern.

“Hello?”

“Hey!”

“Is everything okay?”

“Yeah! Everything’s great,” Phil says. “Just checking in.”

Dan had been expecting a sombre, possibly urgent tone; contrarily, Phil seems to be his usual, chipper self. Dan checks the time on his phone, frowning. It’s 3am, meaning it’s 7am in the Maldives.

Dan rubs his eyes. “It’s so early.”

“Oh, crap, did I wake you up? I just thought ‘cause of your Instagram post that you’d be chilling after work, sorry.”

“No, I mean it’s early for you.”

“Oh,” Phil says, laughing. “Nah, this is when I have to get up for my shoot. The best light for beach photos is sunrise.”

“Oh,” Dan says, surprised. He never thought about that. “God, that must suck. Aren’t you jetlagged?”

“Super jetlagged!” Phil laughs again. “I’m used to doing shoots half asleep, don’t worry.”

“Have some coffee,” Dan suggests.

“I’ll definitely be trying to wrangle some caffeine from somewhere,” Phil agrees. His tone of voice suggests that it doesn’t look promising. “So, how’s your first night in the flat going?”

Dan glances around himself. “It’s, uh, quiet.”

“Hmm, yeah,” Phil says. “It can get pretty lonely there.”

This makes Dan frown. Phil has never mentioned being lonely before. “It’s cool, I’ve got Cap and Bucky to keep me company.”

“Ah, yes! Are you watching Civil War?”

“No, just the first one.”

“Awesome,” Phil says emphatically. “Well, enjoy the not-so-subtle gay undertones. I’d better get to the beach.”

“You poor soul,” Dan says sarcastically, which makes Phil laugh.

“Get to bed soon, okay? I know Chris Evans’ abs look really good on my obnoxiously large TV, but you’re working tomorrow.”

Dan chuckles. “Yes mum.”

“Night, young man.”

“Morning, you mean.”

“Hah, I guess you’re right. I’ll check in tomorrow, sweet dreams!”

“Oh, you don’t have to check in tomorrow if-”

The line goes dead, and Phil is gone. Dan blinks down at his phone, slightly thrown by the conversation. It’s difficult to believe that Phil is so concerned about the wellbeing of his houseplants that he’d call Dan the first morning of his trip. Now that Dan thinks about it, Phil hadn’t even asked about the houseplants.

An overwhelming fatigue throws itself over Dan suddenly, and he yawns, throwing his phone to one side, where it continues to blink with Instagram notifications. He should really switch those off. He blinks at the TV, eyes already growing heavy; he’s sure he won’t make it to the end of the movie.

With a hefty amount of willpower, Dan switches off the TV and heads to Phil’s room to grab the duvet. As he’s pulling the heavy quilt from the mattress however, he pauses, arms aching with the weight of it already. Would it really be so bad to take up Phil’s offer of just falling into the bed?

It will undoubtedly be weird, and he’ll probably hate himself for it tomorrow morning, because he’ll spend the whole of the next day (week, month, and year) dreaming about exactly how Phil’s bed feels and smells. But he’s exhausted, and it looks far more inviting than the couch right now.

Before he can argue himself out of it, Dan is shimmying off his jeans, pulling his t-shirt over his head, and crawling into the tantalisingly soft cocoon of the bed. He actually moans; these sheets feel divine against his skin. They’re probably Egyptian cotton or something. Dan would take longer to think about it, but he closes his eyes, and falls instantly asleep.  

*

Two hours before they are due to close on Saturday, at around 3am, a girl approaches the bar. She is pretty and slim, with a short, tight dress on and long dangly earrings. She’s wearing red lipstick and her hair is bleach blonde. Not wanting to judge prematurely, Dan gives her his usual customer-service smile; in the back of his mind, however, he can’t help but note that this girl is very much not the type of customer that they usually get at Habenero’s.

In other words, she gives off a rather… heterosexual vibe.

“Hi,” the girl says, grinning at him. She leans forwards on the bartop, pushing out her boobs rather obviously. Dan raises an eyebrow, but doesn’t comment. “A Malibu and Coke, please.”

“Sure,” Dan says, turning to make it.

“Actually,” she says, making him turn. “Make it a Diet Coke. I’m such a sugar fiend. Need to watch myself.”

Briefly, Dan looks her up and down. Her body is gorgeous, clearly the result of daily gym trips and a careful diet. A full-fat Coke wouldn’t even touch her skinny frame, and she knows it. He’s not in the mood to pander to her obvious attempt at fishing for compliments.

If she wants her ego stroked, she’s barking up the wrong tree.

“Don’t we all,” Dan says instead, and reaches for the soda hose.

The drink takes seconds to make, and he places it before her. “No straw?” She asks, smirking. “My lipstick is Dior. Can’t waste it on the rim of a glass, can I?”

Dan shrugs at her. “Sorry, we’ve introduced a no-straw policy at the club. Brighton’s a green city.”

For a moment, her smile wavers, but then it’s fixed back in place. “Hey, do I know you from somewhere?”

“I don’t think so.”

The scarlet lips form a perfect ‘o’. Her look of realisation seems ingenuine, like she’s performing a pre-rehearsed scene. “Oh my God! You’re AmazingPhil’s friend, right?” At the sound of his name, Dan freezes up. “David, is it? No, wait, Dan!”

“Uh, I think you’ve got the wrong person,” Dan mutters, though he can feel the heat flood to his cheeks.

“Oh, don’t be coy!” She laughs, and then she’s got her arm on his shoulder; she’s leaning right over the bar to reach him, which looks awkward. “You’re the bartender he keeps posting about, right?”

“Could be,” Dan says vaguely.

“Yes, yes, it’s totally you! Gosh, you’re so much cuter in person.”

“Oh, uh, thanks.” He shifts awkwardly. “So, it’s five-fity for the Malibu and Diet Coke,” Dan tries to say, but she just laughs him off.

“So, oh my gosh,” she leans even closer somehow, a wry, knowing smile stretching her lipsticked mouth into a joker-ish smear. “Tell me. Is Phil just as cute in person too?”

Dan feels his cheeks warming. “Oh, um, I- I don’t know.”

“Aw, come off it. You have to admit he’s cute, right?” Her teeth are dazzlingly white as she grins at him; it’s mildly disconcerting in the low light.

“I guess,” Dan says. He looks around for another customer, trying to find an excuse to leave the conversation.

“And you guys met in Brighton? At this club?”

“...Yep.”

“So, like, you already knew who he was, right?”

“Well, yeah, but-”

“You were a fan of him? You followed his Insta?”

“I, uh, well… yes, but-”

“I bet he was flirty.” She grins again, teeth blinding. “Does he flirt with you?”

“He’s kind of flirty, I suppose,” Dan admits, trying not to picture all the many, many times Phil has knocked the air from his lungs with an off-handed comment.

“Ooh,” she says, eyebrows wriggling. “That sounds intriguing. So go on, tell me, Dan. Is he good?”

“What do you mean?” Dan asks, stupidly.

“Oh, you know,” she says, and winks. “Is he good in bed? With that body, he probably doesn’t  have to be, yeah?”

“Wait what? That’s not- we’re not-” Dan stammers out, cheeks scarlet by this point.

“Right, right, you’re just friends,” she says, rolling her eyes. When they meet Dan’s again, she winks a second time. “Come on, Dan, I’m not an idiot. I mean, you’re staying in his house, right?”

Immediately, Dan’s hackles go up, and he pulls back from her. “How do you know that I’m… who are you?”

Suddenly a ruckus nearby captures Dan’s attention, and he turns to see Matt ploughing through the crowd and seizing another girl by the shoulders. This second girl, also blonde and in a skimpy outfit, is holding up a phone, obviously videoing Dan.

Dan gawps at the camera, then Matt plucks it from her hand. “Unsolicited filming of our staff is not permitted. Get out.”

“Oh, for fuck’s sake, we’re just asking him a few questions!” shouts at Matt. Her charming smile is gone now, and in its place is a ferocious snarl. “It’s perfectly within our rights to do that! He’s in the public eye, isn’t he?”

One hand on the filming girl’s shoulder still, Matt seizes Malibu-and-Diet-Coke-girl by her upper arm. “You’re out too, Princess. Highly doubt this is your sort of establishment anyway.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Malibu-and-Diet-Coke-girl shouts, trying to break free of his grip.

“It means,” Dan cuts in, anger starting to swirl in his blood as he processes the situation. “That we don’t throw a Pride parade every year just so you and your gaggle of plastic friends can paint on rainbows and find a GBF.”

“You heard him,” Matt says, beginning to frogmarch the two girls towards the exit.

“This is discrimination!” One of them shouts on their way.

“Must be so hard for you poor straight white girls,” Matt replies, ever the sarcastic one.

A few people gathered near the bar clap then, cheering as the girls depart.

“Nice one, mate,” Nick, one of their regulars, calls out to Dan. He nods, still embarrassed, and Nick approaches the bar. “She was out of order.”

“Yeah,” Dan says, mind still reeling. “I don’t get it, though. Why was she filming me?”

“Well, ‘cause you’re in with that good-looking model dude, right? She wants exclusive behind the scenes gossip for her own account, I’d imagine. Chicks like that are always after their ten minutes of fame, so they try guzzle it from other people.” Nick says; it kind of makes sense, except for the fact that some random girl thinks Dan is anywhere near important enough in Phil’s life for him to be harbouring any secrets about the man.

Nick takes hold of the Malibu and Diet Coke Dan made for the girl, the one he now realises she never paid for. Before Dan has a moment to be annoyed about it however, Nick pushes a tenner towards him. “For the drink. Nasty stuff, Malibu, but someone’s gotta drink it, eh?”

Dan smiles at him gratefully. “Thanks. I’ll grab you some change for it.”

“No need!” Nick calls out, making Dan pause.

“Nick, it’s only a five-fifty drink.”

“Yeah, well. We’re mates, aren’t we? Keep the tip.”

Dan’s eyes fall to the ten pound note in his hands. “Are you sure?”

“Yeah, course!”

“Wow,” Dan says, taken aback. “That’s seriously good of you, thanks. I appreciate it.”

“No worries!” Nick takes a sip of his drink, eyes darting around the room. “So… as I was sayin’. You and that Phil fella. That’s… a thing, right?”

“What?”

“The two of you are… gettin’ it on?”

Dan drops the ten pound note back onto the bar like it’s burning. “Is this a fucking bribe? Are you trying to get me to talk about Phil?”

“Aw, come on Dan, we’re mates, aren’t we?”

“You know what,” Dan grits his teeth, snatching the drink out of Nick’s hands. “I’m not your mate, and you can fucking hit the street with those other vultures.” Dan cups a hand to his mouth, and pushes up onto his tiptoes, scanning the crowd. “Matt! Got another one!”

“Dan, for fuck’s sake, you know me,” Nick says, annoyed. “Come on, you and the Insta dude are the hottest story in town right now! You can’t blame me for trying to get in on the goss!”

“What so you can tweet about some non-existent scandal for a few more followers?” Dan asks, disgusted. “Grow up.”

“Aw, come on, you know what it’s like in the gay world,” Nick fires back. “It’s fucking vicious out there! I’ve gotta stay relevant! I need to keep up-”

Dan just ignores him and turns away. He chucks the drink, glass and all, into the sink below the bar. In the background, he vaguely hears Nick protesting as Matt drags him away, but he can’t bring himself to turn and see it.

This is insane.

Never in his wildest imaginings did Dan think that people would actually seek him out and attempt to pry information from him just because he’s vaguely associated with a moderately famous Instagram account. That one girl had even filmed the entire exchange.

It makes Dan feel sick to his stomach. He leans over the sink, watching the broken shards of glass gleam and glint in the swirling disco lights. He’s trying, over the thump of the bass, to remember what he said to her. Whatever his answers had been to Malibu girl’s interrogating questions, they’re now saved to someone’s phone.

A hand claps down on his shoulder, making Dan jump. Tyler is beside him, looking concerned.

“Matt just told me what happened, are you okay?”

Dan nods, slowly. Then, he shakes his head. “They were filming me, Ty. What did I even say? It all happened so quickly, I-”

Tyler wraps him in a hug; it helps, a little. “Shh, don’t worry about that right now.”

“I’m gonna have to tell him,” Dan says, cold realisation dawning.

“Tell Phil? About the girls, you mean?” Dan nods into Tyler’s shoulder. “Maybe. But it’s okay, you won’t have said anything that bad, I’m sure. There’s nothing to tell, right?” Dan bites his lip. “They’re just some fame-whores trying to get a slice of the action behind the scenes. You can tell Phil about it in the morning. It wasn’t a big deal.”

Dan sighs, wanting him to be right. “Okay. Yeah. I’ll ring him in the morning or something.”

Tyler pulls back to look him in the eye. “Whatever you said, it won’t be anywhere near as bad as you think, I’m sure. And hey, Phil’s a nice guy. He’ll understand.”

Dan nods, trying to calm himself with the sure, solid gleam in Tyler’s eyes. “Okay.”

*

On Sunday afternoon, Dan wakes up in Phil’s bed to a flurry of notifications on his phone. His followers haven’t stopped climbing since that first night Phil put him in his story; now, Dan’s follower count is in the hundred-thousands.

He checks his last photo, which is the one with Captain America and tea from Friday night. It has forty thousand likes. He reads the comments, covers balled up in one fist from nerves.

that’s phil’s place!! i recognise the rug!!! #phanisreal

dan is staying at phil’s! 

isn’t he in the maldives atm? dan must be housesitting :o

i’d know that hello kitty mug anywhere!! hows phil’s place treating u dan? ;) #phan

He closes the app quickly, half wanting to delete the entire thing off his phone. These fans are bloodhounds, obsessed with a scent of some rumour they caught a whiff of. ‘Phan’ is such an alien concept to Dan, still. How can these followers even justify it to themselves? It’s preposterous to think that Dan and AmazingPhil are anywhere near on the same level, let alone in a secret romantic relationship.

“Oh, shit,” Dan mutters, his heart sinking. He clicks onto his missed calls, noting that he has five,  all from Phil.

He swallows, trying to remain cool. There are some texts too, all of which came through whilst he was sleeping.

From: Phil To: Dan hey can you call me when you get a sec pls xx

From: Phil To: Dan did something happen last night at the bar? im getting a lot of messages… xx

From: Phil To: Dan ok… wanna let me know why #phan is trending worldwide?

From: Phil To: Dan have u seen what that girl @lucyintheskaii posted on twitter?? there’s a video of you. did you tell ppl that ur staying at mine? how did she find u?

From: Phil To: Dan dan i need to talk to u ur probs asleep and i get tht but im gonna skype u at 2pm your time. x

By the time he gets to the final message, Dan’s heart is pounding against his chest. He hangs onto that one final kiss, despite the fact Phil usually ends his messages with two. He glances at the time at the top of the screen, and curses, loudly.

It’s 13:59pm.

Before he can do anything to prepare, his phone is buzzing in his hand, notifying him of a Skype call coming through. He thinks seriously about declining, as he’s on the verge of a panic attack, but he reluctantly comes to a decision that not facing up to this would be far, far worse.

He accepts the call, and watches in mild horror as his own sleep-crumpled face and bare chest fills the screen. Then, Phil’s camera bursts into life, and Dan’s own image is replaced by something far more pleasing to the eye. He braces himself for Phil’s anger, having no idea what that would even look like.  

“Phil, oh my God, I’m so sorry,” Dan blurts. “I should’ve called you last night when I got back from work and told you what happened, but Tyler convinced me I should wait until morning, and I was just so exhausted, and I convinced myself the thing with that girl wasn’t that big of a deal, but obviously you have every right to be mad, I was so stupid and-”

“Dan, hey, hold up,” Phil says, voice raised to be heard over Dan’s ramble. “Calm down, I’m not mad. Why would I be? I’m worried about you.”

Dan blinks. “Why?”

For some reason, this makes Phil laugh. “Because you were ambushed by some deranged fangirls! And it’s all my fault. I’m so sorry, Dan. I should never have said where you worked on my account. My fans are… intense.”

“Wait,” Dan says, confused. He sits up a little, trying to understand. “You’re not the one who needs to apologise. I said all that stuff to that girl! Her friend filmed it all. And she… did you say she put the video of it on Twitter? That’s awful, Phil, I’m such a fucking idiot, I-”

“Yeah,” Phil interrupts with a long sigh. “The Twitter video isn’t… ideal. But I’ve had literal nudes leaked before, Dan. I can handle you telling people I get a bit flirty IRL.”

Phil winks, and Dan blushes, partly because he’s only just now remembered telling that girl Phil is a flirt, and partly because he remembers the leaked nudes Phil is referring to. Not one of Dan’s proudest moments, searching the internet for those on incognito mode. He’d only found them once. And once was definitely enough; he’s not about to forget something like that.

“I guess,” Dan says, trying hard to focus on the situation at hand. “But I’m just so sorry for not realising what was happening, Phil. I should’ve known that girl was after something. I must’ve caused you so much stress.”

Phil shrugs. “Nothing I can’t handle.”

He’s too nice, that’s the trouble. Dan stares at the pixelated version of this beautiful man, wishing he could reach out for Phil’s hand. Phil would probably take it; he’s not opposed to touchy-feely stuff, and if he knew how badly Dan needed physical reassurance right now, he’d do it, Dan’s sure. Phil’s sitting at a table outside, on what appears to be a balcony overlooking a white sandy beach. There’s a light breeze ruffling his hair, and the sun is setting behind him. He has his chin in one hand, and a tiredness in his eyes.

Dan imagines he can smell the salt spray blowing through Phil’s locks. Stupid, soppy words are on the tip of Dan’s tongue, about how gorgeous Phil looks in the soft evening light, or how much it means to Dan that Phil’s deigning to so much as speak to him after he was so stupid with that girl, but right then, a door slams, hard. It comes from somewhere on Phil’s end, and it’s muffled, but it still makes Dan jump.

Phil looks towards the noise, sighing.

“What was that?”

“Charlie. He’s pretty annoyed about… this.”

Something heavy and blunt falls into Dan’s stomach. “Oh. I didn’t know Charlie was with you.”

Phil glances back at the screen. “Didn’t I say?”

Dan shakes his head. He would have remembered that small detail, he’s sure. Though he guesses it makes a little more sense now that Phil picked him to house-sit, as opposed to asking Charlie.

“So, Charlie’s annoyed with me, then,” Dan deduces.

Phil shrugs. “I think Charlie’s annoyed with everyone most of the time. I wouldn’t take it personally.”

“What’s he been saying?”

“It doesn’t matter.” Phil’s eyes avert from Dan’s.

From this small gesture alone, Dan can imagine exactly what Charlie’s saying.

Why are you even associating with that rando from the bar?

This is what happens when you stoop to their level, Phil!

He’s got the hots for you, and he’s gonna make up some bollocks about how you’re secretly fucking to bump up his follower count even more!

“Sorry I got you guys into a fight.”

Phil chuckles, but it sounds dark, hollow. “When are we not in a fight?”

So many words fight to push their way out of Dan’s throat. They want to scream that Phil is so much more than this, that he should realise his own worth and ditch Charlie for someone that deserves him. He swallows them down as best he can, creating a lump, the size of a boulder, in his throat.

Phil turns back to look at him, a sad smile on his face. Then, one eyebrow twitches, and he smirks. “Are you in my bed?”

Heat flames into Dan’s cheeks, and he attempts to pull the covers over his chest. “Fuck, sorry… I’ll wash the sheets and stuff-”

Phil is laughing, which cuts Dan off. “Dan, it’s okay. I said you could have the bed, didn’t I?”

“Well… yes, but-”

Phil yawns then, smiling sleepily at him. “You look cute under my covers. Wish I was there, to be honest.”

Dan’s heart spasms. He wonders if Charlie can hear what Phil’s saying, and whether Phil is only saying it to get a rise out of his boyfriend.

“It’s, um, very comfy. High thread count.”

Phil laughs again. “The thread count is top of my priorities.”

“So, is the shoot going okay and stuff?” Dan asks, wanting to move the subject into safer territory, so his heart rate can settle back into a human rhythm.

Phil shrugs. “It’s kind of difficult posing sexily on a beach with someone who currently hates my guts, but other than that it’s fine.”

Dan winces. “Is it that bad?”

“He’ll get over it.”

“Let me know if there’s anything I can do.”

“Teleport me into the bed with you so we can watch Buffy and fall asleep?”

Another heart spasm. Another flush whipping into his cheeks. “Hah, I’ll…. see what I can do.”

There’s another door slam then, and Phil glances up, smile disappearing. “I’d better go.” He sounds reluctant. “I’ll call tomorrow, see how you’re holding up.”

“Okay,” Dan says. He shifts, still feeling guilty. “Seriously Phil, I don’t know how much of that video you saw, but… I’m sorry. I didn’t think. It won’t happen again.”

“I know, Dan. It’s my fault, I threw you in the deep end with all this stuff.” Phil smiles at him. “I forget sometimes that being friends with me isn’t as simple as it used to be. I come with a twin. His name’s AmazingPhil, and he’s kind of a jerk. Causes all sorts of trouble.”

Dan laughs at the analogy, shrugging one shoulder. “I kinda like him.”

“He likes you too,” Phil says, winking again. “It’s not your fault some girl attacked you over him though, Dan. You’re wonderful, okay? It’s everyone else who sucks.”

The corner of Dan’s mouth twitches. “Um, thanks. You… you too.”

“Enjoy your day off.” Phil waves. “Try not to worry about this. It’ll all blow over in two seconds anyway.”

“Okay,” Dan says, unsurely. “Enjoy the rest of your trip.”

The expression that flits across Phil’s face suggests that this is unlikely. “Thanks, Dan,” he says anyway, then blows a kiss, and is gone.

*

At around eight in the evening on Sunday, Charlie posts a photo to his Instagram account. Dan follows Charlie out of curiosity more than politeness, but he sees it in his feed, right at the top. It’s a photo of him and Phil, knee deep in the ocean, holding hands as they stare out towards the horizon.

Their silhouettes are perfect and symmetrical, their broad shoulders and tapered waists looking as if they’d been painted onto the streaky orange sky behind them. The picturesque image hits Dan like a punch to the stomach, dull and painful, winding him momentarily.

The caption reads:

happy anniversary baby <3

It’s been bombed with likes.

omg i didnt know you guys had an anniversary today!!!

congratulations charlie and phil! u r couple goals!! #chil4eva

so happy for you both! give phil a kiss from me cha ;) xx

#netflixandchil later guys?! ;) <3

A hot, stinging sensation burns in Dan’s retinas. He throws his phone to the couch, and doesn’t look at it again for the rest of the night.

*

Three more fame-hungry girls and nine more gossip-thirsty guys track Dan down over the course of Monday night. Tyler makes a sign for the bar counter that says ‘Want To Quiz The Bartender? Hope You Like The Taste Of Ass...phalt’, which helps a little, but doesn’t entirely ward off the AmazingPhil stans.

Dan just keeps his mouth clamped shut for the night. He’s not really in the mood to talk to anyone anyway. That photo of Charlie and Phil seems to be burned into the back of his mind; it’s there every time he so much as blinks, taunting him. He refuses to take his break halfway through his shift, sure that the photo will dance teasingly in front of his retinas for the whole twenty minutes.

It just makes so little sense. Phil had seemed beaten down by the weight of Charlie’s anger when he and Dan had Skyped last night. How is it that, hours later, they’re knee deep in the warm waves of a tropical beach, holding hands in celebration of their anniversary?

“Hey, you’re him right? Dan Is Not On Fire?” It’s a giggling pair of young guys this time, nudging each other forwards. “Phil is totally into you.”

The other one squeals, clapping a hand over the first one’s mouth. “Oh my God, I can’t believe my friend I’m so sorry.” He releases his hold on the other guy, laughing. “But seriously, we both ship Phan way more than Chil.”

It feels like a bolt in his chest, screwed too tightly, digging in just below Dan’s ribs. “Guys, do you wanna order something?”

“Oh, no, we’re seventeen,” one of them says, and the other one smacks him. “Shit, I shouldn’t’ve said that-”

“Matt!” Dan yells for what feels like the millionth time tonight. “Matt, get over here!”

“Wait, wait, can we just, like, get a selfie?” They’re snapping the photo before Dan can turn away, and he scowls at them both. “Thanks! Follow us on Insta!” They chirp, laughing, and are gone before Matt can push through the crowd.

Tyler throws a plastic cup after them, which Dan is grateful to him for. “We’re gonna need to hire more security at this rate.”

“It’ll blow over when Phil gets sick of me,” Dan says.

“Gets sick of you? He’s in here all the time!”

For now, Dan thinks privately.

He doesn’t reply out loud, he just turns to the next customer, who is, mercifully, just another regular. The realisation that Dan is coming to with the blow of each crushing Phil/Charlie couple photo, is that eventually Phil is going to seek out greener pastures.

Once he’s settled into Brighton, Phil will find his own social class of people to hang out with, people more like Charlie, that understand designer labels and spend their weekends at fancy  film premieres or in their second homes in Bali.

Up with the elite is where Phil belongs, even if Dan was able to tether him in the dirt for a while, playing Mario Kart and plying him with sugary alcoholic drinks. Dan is an ‘in-the-meantime’ friend, someone to pass the time with until he finds a better crowd. Someone to house-sit for him, and someone who doesn’t have a lot of free time, and is therefore low-commitment. There will come a time, Dan is sure, when he will once again be just a bartender to Phil. Sure, Phil will wave and chat when he comes into the bar, but they won’t hang out, and the fans that followed Dan out of curiosity will drop away like flies when they realise that Dan is simply… dull.

It will be difficult when it happens. But Dan won’t struggle against the current; he’s not stupid, and he’s been poor since he was a kid. He knows how society is separated into the wealthy and the not-so-much, and how the divide can rip through even the tightest of bonds.

He barely even knows Phil, still. There’s no doubt in Dan’s mind that one day, yet again he won’t know Phil at all besides the pictures that occasionally flash up on his phone.

*

On Tuesday morning, Dan wakes up earlier than usual. At first, he thinks it might be the seagull screeching right outside his window, but he’s lived in Brighton for years; it takes a lot of squawking to wake him.

He rolls over, still swathed like a baby in the thick covers of Phil’s bed, and immediately freezes, realising what it is that has woken him. There’s a body beside him, faced away. Even if Dan couldn’t recognise him by the shock of black hair, he’d know the bare, pale back, dotted with tiny freckles. He’d know the Emoji pyjama pants, and the shallow, even breaths that come out with a slight snore.

For a long, long time, Dan doesn’t move an inch. He just stares at the silhouette of the man he’s dreamed about laying next to for so, so long. He suspends his belief, and allows his mind to wander, to imagine that this is real, that Phil is his, and that he’ll roll over any second, give Dan a lazy smile, and kiss Dan’s world into colour.

None of this happens, obviously. So Dan just watches him, counting the minutes he gets to have this, and prays that it never ends.

(Part 8 !) 

[jewelridersarchive]

Why do we love seeing new versions of the same thing? Is it simple nostalgia? Is it the desire to engage with some sort of content that once moved us in a new and different way? Is it new creators wanting to stamp something they loved from their own childhood with their mark? Or is it all of the above?

I’m not immune to loving reboots. I devoured the new DuckTales on Disney XD, I’m reading the new Rainbow Brite comics from Dynamite, I’m watching the new iteration of Will & Grace, and continue to watch My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. Reboots are fun; they not only allow fans who loved something to have a nostalgia party, but also allow potential new fans entry points into what sometimes appears to be never-ending streams of content (I’m looking at you, Transformers). But things seem out of hand when even ReBoot, the mid-90s CGI cartoon, has a reboot on Netflix (ReBoot: The Guardian Code). Have reboots become the “safe,” risk-averse way companies can cash in on portfolio properties that already have known fanbases? It’s the equivalent of an artist only drawing fanart because they know it will get thousands of likes versus hundreds on original content.

And I fully admit some level of fatigue with franchises that just keep chugging along, seemingly forever. Every movie that comes out seems to want to be a tentpole franchise builder. Or a reboot of an existing franchise, or a soft reboot that only takes some elements going forward, or an alternate universe or…well, you get the idea.

I love original content. One of the best shows I watched this year was Alex Hirsch’s Gravity Falls (yes, I know I’m rather late to the game). It was a bright spot of originality, something new and not tied to any other content or previous iteration. Many of the anime I watch and enjoy are either original or straight adaptations of an existing manga. I think original content and ideas are important in entertainment. They allow a generation to experience a piece of entertainment in its prime, and have something uniquely “theirs.” Kids of the 60s had Star Trek, kids of the 70s had Star Wars, kids of 80s will always be the original audience for Jem & the Holograms and He-Man/She-Ra, kids of the 90s will always have X-Men TAS and Sailor Moon. (And PGJR, of course haha). No matter if they are rebooted down the road or not, that original experience belongs to the original viewers.

Which is why it’s always hilarious to me when people who hate on the new version of something say “It’s ruining my childhood!” Your childhood is whatever it was, frozen in time. Those original cartoons obviously still exist, and if you have the desire you can watch most of them. A reboot doesn’t destroy the original, no matter how many changes it makes to the original idea. The best reboots can often give us (as adults) what we thought we were watching as children. And often, the reboot can drive traffic back to seek out the original, as adults want to share with children the version they loved at that age.

Which brings us to She-Ra. I didn’t watch any He-Man or She-Ra as a child, for whatever reason. I found He-Man & the Masters of the Universe through the 2002 anime-influenced incarnation (also a great reboot IMO), then went back and watched the 1983 cartoon, followed by the 1985 She-Ra: Princess of Power. I loved it all. Sure, sometimes it was goofy, and there was lots of animation reuse in the older versions, but the core concepts were really strong. They are classic good vs evil, freedom vs tyranny stories, told with engaging casts and crazy creative worlds.

I powered through all 93 episodes of She-Ra during the summer of 2010 while I studied for my board exams. It holds the special place of being the series I turned to to relieve the stress of studying. I love the 80s fantasy girl designs, the color schemes, the powers, the sheer kookiness of the side characters. She-Ra was the OG American magical girl, and I finally understood what all the fuss over this franchise was about. She-Ra feels iconic in the way that characters like Wonder Woman and Sailor Moon do. Yes, she starts out as a spin-off of the successful He-Man franchise, but he makes very few appearances in She-Ra’s cartoon.

But after her initial run, She-Ra remained a virtually dormant property for the next 30 years. He-Man had two different reboots in 1991 and 2002, but She-Ra was stuck in limbo. Only once the Masters of the Universe Classics collectible figure from Mattel released in 2010 did She-Ra finally see the light of day again. Story-wise, the bios on the back of the toy packages gave us a little info about She-Ra’s further adventures, but it wasn’t until the 2012/2013 Masters of the Universe comic from DC that She-Ra comes back, this time in the guise of the villainous Despara. It’s a dark but interesting take on the characters; an exploration of what being raised by the Evil Horde would really do to a person.

Interestingly, this seems to be the jumping-off point for the new “She-Ra and the Princesses of Power” animated series from Dreamworks and Netflix. This show takes as its central theme the relationship between Adora and Catra. When Adora finds the sword that lets her turn into She-Ra, she leaves the Horde – an organization to which she has devoted her life. Almost more importantly, she leaves behind Catra, her best friend. It’s this broken relationship that informs the emotional tone of the rest of the show.

Unlike the 80s version, this time around the Rebellion knows Adora’s identity as She-Ra. It’s an interesting change – shows of the 80s were obsessed with secret identities, and sometimes it could get ridiculous making up excuses for what happened to the other identity of the character every time. Thankfully, that is avoided here, and instead of angst over whether or not you can let people know the real you, we are treated to relationships that ask whether we can accept someone who we know has wronged us before.

Much has been made over this update’s reworking of the body types and ethnicities of the main princesses. While I confess not loving all the updated designs and missing the 80s fairytale warrior goddesses of the original, I understand and fully support the change. Reboots are about viewing something old through the lens of today, and audiences of today want to see themselves in the media they watch or read. We can’t (and shouldn’t) go back to mostly-white casts. The world is a rainbow of colors, and the show feels richer for including them.

Speaking of rainbows, I have to mention the new show’s decidedly queer bent. The relationship between Adora and Catra is somewhere between ex-best-friends and ex-girlfriends in tone. Netossa and Spinerella, long shipped by the fandom, are finally outed in a true relationship this time around. Other characters like Scorpia, Bow, and Entrapta all tap into queer mannerisms and norms as well. The end result is unlike anything else I’ve ever seen in children’s entertainment, and I couldn’t be happier. I wish I’d had something similar as a child, but I’m grateful today’s queer kids have their own heroes.

When we talk about a successful reboot, what are we looking for? Here’s what I think a good reboot need to accomplish.

Bring the characters and concepts of the original property up to date for current audiences.

Explore the characters or world in new and different ways.

Add depth to the original concept.

She-Ra and the Princesses of Power does all of these in spades. I think it’s the nicest treatment an 80s female-driven property has gotten in a reboot. The show is full of strong characters with interesting dynamics, great writing, and interesting world building. Yes, some of the episodes can be a bit predictable and the designs are not always my favorite, but everything works together toward a greater whole. I won’t spoil the story for you, because seriously if you haven’t watched this, get thee to Netflix and enjoy!

For the Honor of Grayskull!

Chris

P.S. Can you imagine getting a ✨Princess Gwenevere and the Jewel Riders✨ reboot that brought all this to the table? I’d die!

Read the complete blog at The Jewel Riders Archive! http://www.jewelridersarchive.com/posts/she-ra-the-princesses-of-power-and-reboot-culture/

[brightlotusmoon]

TMNT and Teen Titans part 1?

I had a very, very involved dream and decided to write down as much dialogue as I could, because if I play it right it could become a new AU fic. It would have the same “Mikey is naturally spiritual with ESP” theme that runs through all my stuff, but this time there are five superheroes who are totally up for turning him into Shiny Mikey whether his brothers are ready or not. Plus, Starfire would just adore him and squish him haaah.

In my dream, The Titans were a blend of Original and Go!, since some of the Go! episodes really are funny and silly and insightful. It’s a trash fire show. But it has moments. I’m hooked on Pretty Pretty Pegasus, okay. The Night Begins To Shine is a new autistic interest by itself. This is what I could scrounge up, very free floating, no real context, but there is definitely room for world building. I’ll need title recommendations. I loved the design of 2D animated 2012 kids during the first crossover with 1987 so I pictured them like that rather than CGI, not just in Jump City but in their own New York.

TMNT Meets Teen Titans (working title)

Scene (?)

“Mikey is…” Leo paused. He shrugged. “Mikey is friendly. He wants to make everyone happy. It makes him happy. There’s not much else, I mean, he doesn’t have hidden layers. He’s a happy-go-lucky fun-loving optimist who uses humor to diffuse tension. What you see is what you get.”

“Yeah, I doubt that,” Robin smirked, draping over the back of the couch with his coffee.

Leo glared. “Scuse me?”

“Everyone has layers,” Cyborg said. “Even the ones where you just see surface stuff. Take Beast Boy. He’s pretty much the same as Mike, right? Except he’s got a surprisingly huge amount of dark depth and intensity.”

Leo stammered, blushing. “W-well, yeah, but…that’s what I meant, like, I know Mikey gets sad, he gets depressed and dark sometimes, like everybody, but–”

“Sounds like you don’t know your youngest brother as well as you should,” Beast Boy smirked wider from the floor.

“Shut up, you little goblin…”

“Aww, is Leo pulling a me?” And Raph sauntered in with Starfire, both sweating after a training session. “Man, she’s like Master Splinter, she keeps going. Leo, you should train with her!” “Raph, they’re insisting there’s a dark side of Mikey that we never see,” Leo said in an odd, wheedling tone.

Raphael frowned. “Dark? Michelangelo? Nahh. Well…maybe. If push came to shove. Like, when I got bit by Fishface, he stayed with me and you should’ve seen how mad he got when Bebop and Rocksteady came near us, took them down like it was nothing. But that’s just ninja skill and athletics, Mikey was always the fastest and most acrobatic. Dark, though, no way. He’s too…sunny.”

“Cheerful,” came Donatello’s, voice, as he finally emerged from Cyborg’s work station, tapping away on a tablet, eyes alight. “Organically optimistic. Anger makes him feel physically sick, although he seems to store a great deal of it – did we tell you about that adventure we had going into his mind?”

“Donnie, can you look at people when you talk to them?” Leo snapped. Donnie sighed and sat on the couch and put the tablet on his lap.

Robin suddenly whirled toward the hall leading to the bedrooms. Raven walked out, Mikey gripping her hand in his and swinging them, a wild grin lighting up his face.

“You smell like incense,” Raph noted.

“We were in the astral plane!” Mikey chirped. The three brothers froze. “Raven says I’m one of the strongest spiritual minds she’s ever seen. See? Sensei was right, wasn’t he, Leo?”

“Wait, you meditated willingly?”

“You reached the astral plane by yourself?”

“You can’t be stronger than me!”

Cyborg and Robin exchanged a long, quirked glance.

Raven flushed, carefully eased her hand away, and smiled a tiny smile. “Well…yes. He’s strong. His aura is very…encompassing. Cuddly. Strong. Bright.” She looked up. “Dangerous.”

“Is not! You just said cuddly.”

“I meant that it could overwhelm, Mike. You…you hold on to things. People. You love too much. You don’t want to let go. You might not know how. Your emotions are your strength and your kindness is your weapon. Your aura was pulling my aura in like a hurricane. You wanted to connect badly and you relied on your natural charm, but you didn’t have any discipline or specific focus.” She smiled a little wider at him, as his eyes were widening and looking watery.

“Let’s put it this way. If you were like me, you could envelope an entire city in your aura and no one would even know. You could project nothing but calm and happiness and it would still be a problem because nobody would know anything else.”

“Ya mean…brainwashing?” Mike’s lower lip trembled.

“In less harsh words, sort of. Look.” She took his hands and faced him. “Remember what we talked about once I pulled us back out in there? I’m willing to teach you how to manifest and control these abilities, but that means delving deep into your soul and unlocking all the parts we need.”

“What unlocked parts?” Raph asked. “Mikey’s an open book!” Leo nodded emphatically.

They didn’t notice the very hurt look Mikey shot him. The Titans and Donnie did.

“Mikey,” Don said carefully, “I know you hide everything behind the jokes and the pranks and being loud. After Sensei’s death, your cheerfulness was almost out of hand.” Mikey flinched so hard that Raven tightened her grip. “But you know you can tell us anything. You can tell me anything.”

“But I can’t!” Mike exploded, and his brothers winced in shock. “You expected me to be the goof, so I’m the goof, so I don’t even bother to show you when it hurts!”

“Uhhh…” Beast Boy stood up slowly. “Maybe this should be a private family thing.”

“No,” and Robin folded his arms. “If we’re all going to work as a team to protect both our worlds and our cities, we’re going to get all of  this out in the open. Especially as Raven just revealed some incredibly useful and powerful information.”

“Not just that,” Raven said, “What about that time he got electrokinetic abilities after being shredded out of existence? He could still have them, even after nearly a year.”

“When did you tell her about…never mind.” Don bit his lip. “Look, Agent Bishop’s dampener cannon took those powers away because they were overloading him and they were going to burn him out.”

“You sure he was telling the whole truth?” Cyborg asked. “Electrokinesis can be controlled easily enough. Besides, that cannon might not have gotten all the ability, there could be just enough of a spark deep in his central nervous nervous system to ignite and bring at least a portion back. Not enough to be nearly as strong as he was back then, but–”

“COOL,” Mikey cut in, eyes the size of dinner plates.

“Well, Bishop is kind of a lying liar who lies,” Raphael grumbled.

“If I supplied Raven’s powers with an electromagnetic charge,” Cyborg mused, “I bet she could find the part of his brain that still holds the memory of that power and tweak it until it released the ability to call back that specific electrical power…”

“Yes please!” Michelangelo squeaked, bouncing so hard he moved from Raven to Cyborg in a blink, arms wrapped around the metal waist, eyes shining and puppy-begging.

“Plus,” Raven added, “I sensed a strong potential for extrasensory perception, which would make sense, since he’s connected to Dimension X via the mutagen’s affects on his particular brain pattern and wiring.”

“Are we sure it’s a good idea, rooting around in Mikey’s brain?” Leo asked. “It could hurt his brain.”

“Who would know the difference?” Don said automatically, old sibling teasing snapping into place. Every head turned to him. So, their brand of sibling humor was not going to fly here.

“It…it was a joke,” he murmured.

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Mikey’s wide, lamp-like eyes full of tears. Mike whispered to Cyborg, who ground his teeth and looked ready to punch the other three turtles in the mouths.

Starfire rose higher into the air, eyes glowing. “Am I hearing this correctly? Are you all so accustomed to mocking Michelangelo’s preferred forms of intelligence, expression, input, sensory process, that you would naturally assume he is utterly incapable of being the great warrior he clearly is inside? Has this been happening all your life together?”

Michelangelo shifted, throat clearing. “When…when Sensei gave us our weapons when we were really little, he gave me my nunchucks because he thought they were perfect for me but he never explained why, or who I was, like with the others. So I made them perfect for me. I don’t think anyone ever believed in me. So I pushed all the sadness down until it got buried.”

There was a slight silence.

Starfire erupted in rage, and in a flash, she had grabbed Mikey and was hovering, cradling him like a child, energy flashing and hissing around her. “This is unacceptable! None of you are allowed to speak poorly of him! He is now under my protection as Princess of Tamaran! Shame on you!”

Mikey just stared at her, mouth open.

“From this point onward, Raven and I will take Michelangelo under the wing, and his natural abilities will be allowed to flourish. If any of you say anything mocking his brain, I will threaten to force feed you zorka berries until you choke!”

Leo, Raph, and Don had shrunk back, while Raven and Cyborg were holding back laughter.

“Well,” Raven smiled, “this will be fun.”

[pachathegreat]

Day 19: The Wolfman (2010)

“Even a man who is pure in heart, and says his prayers by night; May become a wolf when the wolfbane blooms and the autumn moon is bright.“

Welcome back to A New Beginning (Famous Monsters). This is our 5th entry for the week and we take a look at the 2010 remake of The Wolfman.

So Hollow Man wasn’t necessarily a remake of The Invisible Man, but a reimagining of the H.G. Wells story in a contemporary setting. 

FUCK OFF KEVIN BACON! BEGONE WITH YOU, FUCK NUGGET!

This movie however is a full remake, done by Universal so we see a lot of recurring themes from the original, and some of the characters of the original. 

The film apparently had a rocky production with director Joe Johnston joining a little under a month before principal photography and a score by Danny Elfman that was rejected, then re-used. 

The film still follows Lawrence Talbot, but he is no longer an every-man, but a famed Shakespearean actor from England. Benicio del Toro plays our wolfman this time.

 Let me just say that Lon Chaney Jr. was supposed to be welsh in the original, that’s why Claude Rains played his dad. Dude, did not remotely sound British, at all. Dick Van Dyke did a better job convincing me he was British. Del Toro does very well to do a good accent, it’s a bit Americanized, but they explain that away as having an education over in America. Also coincidentally, Anthony Hopkins who plays Del Toro’s father in the film is Welsh in real life.

The film changes the year it takes place, no longer in 1941, and it takes us to the 1890′s where Victorian Goths run amok, and people say things like GIVE US A KISS THEN, GUVNAH! as they die from not brushing their teeth or whatever. 

ANYWAYS! The setting it is a nice change, and it feels like the director was really challenging himself. For those that don’t know Joe Johnston worked on the first Captain America movie, The Rocketeer, and Jumanji. He’s usually done American period pieces, but this feels like he was testing himself. I think this might be his first R rated movie too. 

The lighting and whole aesthetic of the film is gothic, kinda what I expected from the Hammer films. It looks amazing and helps the vibe of the whole film. The color within the film is usually on the cooler side with the candles providing warmth and aiding in the deep shadows of the film. Usually I get to this stuff last, but it’s a really nice movie to look at. 

While I did like the 1941 version, the setting was usually a generic looking manor and a heavily fogged induced forest with some trees thrown in. 

On second thought...

There’s a great shot when Lawrence reaches the Talbot estate and you can see the entire countryside and it’s this huge sprawling thing. It looks really good, I swear. 

So the original movie dealt with an everyday man afflicted with this curse, struggling to find a cure before anything bad happens. He doesn’t and his father beats him to death with a silver cane.

Our 2010 films sets the story up as a suspense thriller with eruptions of violence. Lawrence is asked by his brother’s fiance, Gwen (Emily Blunt) to help find him as he’s gone missing. Lawrence goes back home to begin the search, but as soon as he arrives, he meets with his estranged father who tells him he’s been found dead. Upon seeing the state in which his brother died, Lawrence will not leave until whatever or whoever mutilated his brother is found. Along the way Lawrence is haunted by his mother’s apparent suicide when he was a young boy. Eventually he goes to a Romani camp to find answers to his brother’s death, the camp is attacked, and while Lawrence is saving someone he’s bit by the creature attacking the camp. Having survived the attack, he’s now cursed to become a werewolf. Lawrence begins to uncover the truth until his first transformation and is taken in by the locals the morning after. He’s committed to an asylum. While there, his father reveals the truth, he is the werewolf that bit him, and his mother didn’t commit suicide, he had killed her. After her death, Lord Talbot didn’t see the need to fight his curse and began to embrace it. Lawrence vows to kill his father and escapes when he transforms. He has a climatic battle with his dad, and chases down Gwen in his wolf form. Before he can do anything, she shoots him with a silver bullet, putting Lawrence peacefully to rest. I might’ve left some things out to save time. 

I first watched this movie when it came out and I remember really liking it.Watching it again, it felt a little long this time around. Then I realized that I had just watched the director’s cut. While I did enjoy the mystery of the story, I think the theatrical cut is the best way to go. Those extra 17 minutes can be felt. It takes a while before we see the first transformation, and as good as a story is, sometimes we wanna watch cool shit happen. Case in point: this scene

while this isn’t the first transformation in the movie, it’s the one that stands out. The first transformation is good btw. Much better than doing a cross dissolve from bare feet to uggs like the original. The design and make up of the wolfman in this were done by Rick Baker who did the work for An American Werewolf in London. This movie has the type of effects I like, the use of both practical and CGI. Though the movie does rely on it for a lot of the moon shots. I mean, a lot of them. The transformations are impressive and even the way they show Victorian London looks good. 

🎶HawoooOOOOOoooo werewolves of London  🎶

Baker was inspired as a kid watching the original Wolfman and asked specifically to work on this one when he heard it was being done. His work on the film is so nice. Look at the detail between these two photos and see what I mean. 

We don’t see Anthony Hopkins in his wolf form for long, but you can see a lot of work had been put into what’s essentially one scene (though it is the big climatic battle).

It feels like such a good update of the original. It doesn’t deviate too far from the feel of the 1941 version, but adds contemporary elements to bring it to the 21st century.

I’ve mentioned Anthony Hopkins so I guess we should talk about performances! Del Toro brings a weight into his rendition of Talbot. Even before he’s bitten, he’s a man whose haunted and hurt. He’s unsure if he should return home at all, if his brother’s death means anything to him. The Lawrence of this movie initially channels that pain by playing tortured characters like Macbeth before being made to confront his past and the trauma he’s witnessed and suffered as a child and now being blamed for the gruesome murders happening. 

Emily Blunt’s performance is good. To be honest, she’s just kinda there. I always have a hard time recognizing her sometimes.

Anthony Hopkins plays Sir John Talbot, and at first he’s this kinda eccentric and emotionally distant character, but as Lawrence gets closer to understanding what’s happening to him, Hopkins begins to show this subdued ferocity to the character with a kind of matter of fact malevolence when he reveals he killed Lawrence’s mother and brother with this add sense of pride in his son.  

Hugo Weaving also plays Francis Aberline based on the main inspector after Jack the Ripper. I found Weaving’s performance to be pretty good, but wondered why he was there to begin with. He does get bit at the end of the film and survives. Maybe they were hoping to capitalize on a sequel? We’ll never know.

Box office wise this was considered a bomb, and while it didn’t make as much money as was spent. I don’t think “bomb” would be a good description. It cost $150 million to make, but only made around $140 million and was thrashed by critics. Now I personally don’t like critics (ironic given that I am at this very moment critiquing) cause they’ll usually just shit on things and beat a movie down unfairly. Being on @filmaweekpodcast I’ve noticed a trend of decent to even good movies being just eviscerated unjustly by critics. 

Not that this is a perfect movie, watching the director’s cut stretched out the plot more than it needed to be. The effects in this are great, and Johnston did a good job coming in so late into production for this film. This a good remake. For me it delivers on what the original kinda missed out on, and that was more wolfman. 

This film does not shy away from gore either, and that was surprising given Johnston’s previous films, but again, I think he was challenging himself. 

I think I’m done with this now. I enjoyed the movie, but stick with the theatrical cut and I think you guys would dig it too. 

Oh! Before I go, check out this sweet werewolf on werewolf action!

Alright that about does it, tomorrow 

Play me out Warren Zevon!

[sordidpassionsandlockedemotions]

Ringgggg

Alec grabbed his ears as the sound felt like it was digging into his skull eyes only barely catching sight of the ground seeming to come at him. Or maybe he fell on his back? Everything was distorted in his head and he curled into a ball as the sound increased in pitch. 

Was something dripping from his ears or just figment of his imagination? Eyes starting to get clouded with blackness as he stopped writhing. Blacking out curled up in the ball still.

The lights were too bright,his first thought upon opening his eyes slowly blinking trying to adjust his eyes. Second thought being ‘what happened,was that a nightmare’. Third and finally ‘I’m in the stupid infirmary so obviously not’. Rubbing his eyes pushing himself upward slowly hands curled into fists propping himself up. 

As his eyes adjusted saw some medic look at him surprised,”What?” Alec watched her duck out of the room. Okay that was weird realizing his eyes were still feeling like they had bright lights in them. Ah well sitting up more swinging his legs over the edge of the cot. 

Slipping off it tugging on the nearby sweater running a hand through his messy hair. Infirmary was well the infirmary kind of empty,smelled of cleaning chemicals,and wasn’t really appealing. 

Boots,socks,stele,phone,all that stuff missing in action but still wearing his jeans so there was that to be had. Heading over to the door really wouldn’t be the first time he exited the infirmary on his own. 

Turning the knob slowly but before the door was even a inch open could see what must be a just woken up Magnus. Flinging it open all the way unsure if he wanted to know what happened to him,or why felt like had slept a long time. “Any idea where the medic went?” 

Had to admit he really lacked grace most the time. Magnus pointed back to the bed,”She woke me,think went to go talk to your mother.” Well that explained the hair,and haze in his boyfriend’s eyes. “Sit back down please might be awake,doesn’t mean you should be walking around.” 

“Doubt those chairs out there are comfortable to sleep in.” Sitting back down on the cot,bed honestly he had no clue what they really were called. Crossing his legs underneath him could tell Magnus was really worried,and so complied with no protests. “Uh so what happened to me I was just out getting coffee,on the way back there was this ringing then-.” 

“Unsure who did it but you were incapacitated by a spell more or less and it caused you to black out.” Ah okay so that made sense he supposed but could tell there was more unspoken so just sat there. “You were technically rendered dead it’s now Thursday night.” So he had been asleep or dead whatever over the weekend,into the week explained why he felt too rested. 

Could imagine his family,Magnus by the angel explained the look on his boyfriend’s face. Must have been fairly hellish tempted to get off where he was sat hug Magnus,and he would have if not for a red hot searing headache. “Ugh.” Resting his head in his hands till it passed seeing the concern on his boyfriend’s face quickly sat back up,”I’m fine just a headache probably result of being unconscious so long.” 

Soon after his family showed up,then after a while along with several checks to make sure he was fine. Alec convinced his boyfriend to let the both of them head back home,so he could rest away from work. That and really didn’t want to be in that infirmary it always spelled out bad things. 

Once through the portal he tugged Magnus towards the bedroom,”You need some proper sleep,I’ll be fine in fact maybe marathon some movies.” After a bit more convincing they did wind up curled together in bed and much his boyfriend tried staying awake to the bad sci fi movie Alec turned on,those sparkly eyelids closed to tiredness.

Alec lost track of time but felt a shift of his boyfriend waking when the sunlight started to stream into their bedroom. Using the remote paused the movie on some cheap CGI creature that had just appeared in the film. “Hey morning.” Watching eyes open,cat eyes golden because Magnus was still waking up. 

Propping up on his side pressing his lips to his lover’s could see the haze fade away. Then the day went as it always did,save his siblings being fairly clingy when he went back to the Institute,and Magnus portaling him directly to the Institute. 

Something felt off all day though he couldn’t ever place it,that was till his hands sparked with... Magic? Okay woah no that was so not possible and-it was not going away either. Closing his hands watching it sputter and die away just a bit freaked out shutting his laptop with reports he’d been going through on it.

Then came a knock of ringed knuckles playfully on his open doorway. Followed by more than a head appearing honestly sometimes the High Warlock of Brooklyn was such a dork,his dork. “Busy Alexander?” 

“Always,don’t tell me you’ve been calling or something.” Standing up heading over to his boyfriend with a smile trying to shake off what had happened minutes prior. Hands resting on either side of his boyfriend taking in the makeup,clothes and just him overall. 

“Just dropping by,figured maybe you’d need a break specifically lunch?” Oh was it that late already? Eyes flittered over to a clock on the wall yeah it was towards the afternoon for sure. Suddenly aware how hungry he was gave a nod watching the smile he got in return. “Which you apparently forgot yet again,I’ll blame it on those reports you nephilim get all tangled up into.” 

Lunch was at home,just the two of them and some food that was summoned from a fancy place Alec pronounced miserably much to Magnus’ amusement. Barely pouting when lips captured his before saying he was adorable. Things were going great till-his hands flashed again. 

Quickly he stood up backing away from his boyfriend trying to make the magic fade-seriously what was with him? “Alexander your hands-.” Alec backed away more knocking something over a trembling hand reached to catch it but it froze mid air instead at a brush of his fingertips. 

“I gotta go.” He moved past his boyfriend moving out the doors,down the stairs to the streets. Hands flickered,silver turning white then faded away climbing the nearest fire escape made his way across roofs blur of rolling,gravel,and jumping. Eventually doubled over trying to catch his breath hands resting on the edge of a building’s roof lungs felt on fire,and his body hurt more than normal.

Eventually his lungs hurt less but eyes spotted the silverish white flames engulfing his hand magically no pain unlike one would think. It tingled actually shoving off the wall stood up slowly aware of his phone ringing-and ringing as he stood there unsure if safe to touch it. 

Taking a deep breath knew he should head back to his boyfriend,figure out what was going on but he was so freaked out. Knew magic was tied to emotions,and if he was around Magnus surely even positive they were could be bad with this unpredictable issue of his. Sun was fading in the sky must have been spending hours going across roofs,and catching his breath. 

Couldn’t bring himself to head back,or do anything especially as the tingling and pain mingled causing him to crouch low to the ground. 

To Be Continued...

[popculturebuffet]

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 1990 Review: Still Possesses Turtle Power After All These Years

Cowabunga all you happy people! I freaking love the Teenage Ninja Turtles. I grew up with it from Turtles in Time, which was my first video game, to the 2003 cartoon, which I covered the first three episodes of last month, and on to present day as I re-read the idw comics after finally reading the original eastman and laird run of mirage, and impatiently waiting for Shredder’s Revenge to come out after a LONG drout of no good TMNT games. I”m a fan of these heroes four, their dynamic as a family, the endless possiblities that come from it’s long history and ablitlity to go anywhere in any genre, and the wonderful goofy shit that happens when you have a franchise about mutant turtles learning ninjitsu from a rat and fighting a dude covered in knife covered samurai armor. 

So with me finally covering the guys after almost a year last month and with a new movie set to debut at some point this year, I had the bright idea to revisit the FIRST TMNT movie after way too many years of not watching it. This movie is anear and dear to my heart: When I first started getting into the boys big as a kid with the 2003 cartoon, I badly wanted more turtles. But back then it wasn’t nearly as easy to glom onto some more of the sewer shock pizza kings: Streaming sites with all the cartoons on them weren’t all that accesable, dvd’s were expensive for the 87 cartoon, Mirage wasn’t reprinting the comics in any meaningful way and my local comic shop didn’t have any at all and I could only play the SNES when my brother had it set up on occasion like at our Grandma’s farm. 

As you probably guessed though there was one exception: the original 1990 movie, which I got at Walmart for 5 bucks and haven’t let go of since. It was one of my first dvds and is still one of my most precious. Said film hit the spot just right as like my beloved 2003 series, it was a mildly goofy but still fucking cool adaptation that stuck closer to the mirage comics, even more than the 2003 series would, while taking a few queues from the 87 series. This film is as precious to me as the 2003 series and a with a brand new movie coming up, I figured it was the exact right time to dig into this classic: what makes it still good to this day, what’s fun to point and laugh at, and how the heck Jim Henson got involved in this. So join me under the cut as I take a look at my boys first theatrical outing and why I still love watching a turtle. 

No One Wanted To Make This: Before we get into the film itself some background. As usual I struggled a bit, but thankfully found some help in the form of this Hollywood Reporter article.  It’s a fascinating read worth your time, providing an oral history of the film from the people who worked on it. 

The film was the baby of Gary Propper, a surfer dude and road manager for the prop comic Gallagher, aka that guy who used to smash watermelons but now has instead opted to smash what little’s left of his career by being a homophobic douchenozzle. He found an ally in Showtime producer Kim Dawson who’d produced Gallagher’s special. I don’t think there will be more of an 80′s sentence than “Gallagher’s surfer dude agent wanted to make a teenage mutant ninja turtles movie”. Propper was a huge fan of the comics, and with Dawson’s help convinced Laird and Eastman to let them option it to studios. 

It may come as a shock to you but the road agent for a homophobic watermelon man and a producer at a niche cable channel wanting to make a movie based on an underground comic book about masked turtles at a time when the two most recent comic book movies were Superman IV: The Quest for Peace and Howard the Duck, did not go well. Every door in Hollywood got slammed in their face, even Fox> Even the eventual backer of the film, Golden Harvest, a hong kong action film studio, took months to convince to actually back the film. 

Things did not get easier from there: The films writer Bobby Herbeck had trouble getting a story agreed on because Kevin Eastman and Peter Laird’s working relationship had deteroiated horribly from the stress so naturally the two could not agree on a damn thing and argued with each other. Peter Laird  made a tense siutation even worse by constnatly sniping at Herbeck and feeling he was a “Hollywood outsider infringing on his vision and characters”

Granted the script was apparently not great... but Pete still comes off as a pretnetious ass who views his weird indie comic as THE HIGHEST OF HIGH CALLINGS HOW DARE YOU SOIL IT. And continued to be kind of a prick like this throughout the rest of his time with the property. 

Thankfully the film found i’ts voice, vision and director in Steve Barron. Barron was a music video guy who knew the producers and while reluctant, eventually dove into the project rightfully thinking the film would need to be a mix of the mirage comics and 87 cartoon, keeping aprils’ reporter job, the turtles lvoe of pizza and their iconic color coding from the cartoon but adapting several stories from the comics as the backbone of the film. The guys liked barron MUCH better and things ran smoother. 

Barron also brought in one of the film’s biggest selling points and it’s most valuable asset: it’s triumphantly awesome Jim Henson costumes. Barron had worked with good old Jim on the music videos for Labyrinth, and while it took some convincing since the comics were violent as hell and that wasn’t Jim’s style, Barron eventually got him on board. This naturally doubled the budget, but given Henson’s costumes STILL hold up today and look better than the cgi used in the platinum dunes films... it was a good call. And this was brand new tech for jim, having to invent tons of new ideas and mechanisms just to make the things work, and said things still were absolute hell on the actors. Jim later ended up not liking the film for being too violent... which I find hilarious given how many muppets got eaten or blowed up real good on his show but regardless, I thank this legendary and wonderful man as without him this film WOULD NOT have worked. The costumes here look great, feel realistic, and you can’t tell the actors were dubbed much less horribly suffering in those suits. Much like Disney Land. 

The film would get picked up for distribution by New Line, and despite i’ts weird as hell origins and the long shot it had.. the film was a MASSIVE hit at the box office, owing to a combination of Batman 89 the previous year having proved comic book movies can work for audiences, the cartoon’s runaway sucess, and a massive marketing campaign. The film made it’s mark. So now we know how we got here let’s get into the film itself. 

What’s the Story Morning Glory?:

So the story for this one is largely cobbled together from some of the more notable arcs Eastman and Laird did before handing off the book to others full time as the stress of the company and the mounting tension with each other made it near impossible to work together on the book itself. 

To Save time i’m just going through what hte movie takes from the comics plot wise now to save me the trouble later:The movie takes elements from the first issue (The Turtles, Splinter and Shredder’s backstories, Shredder being fully human and the main antagonist, Shredder’s design and the final rooftop showdown that results in Shredder’s death), second and third, (April’s apartment over her dad’s old store and the turtles moving in when their home is ransacked and splinter has gone missing), the rapheal micro series (A tounge in cheek way of cashing in on the Mini-Series craze of the 80s, a one shot by modern standards and something that’s tragically been underused as an idea as only TMNT and MLP have used the idea at IDW, Raph meeting casey and their fight with one another), the return of shredder arc (One of the turtles being ambushed and mobbed by the foot and then thrown though a sky light (Leo in the comic and Raph here), the turtles being horribly outnumbered by them, Casey coming ot the rescue and metting the non-raph turtles for the first time, and them being forced to escape when the place goes up in flames), their exile to northampton (April writing in a journal, casey working on a car with one of the guys and one of hte guys looking over hteir injured brother), and finally, their triumphant return which was very loosely adapted as there are no deformed shredder clones and shredder not being dead yet in this version was not brought back by a colony of super science worms. 

So as for how this all comes together: Our story takes place in New York: A crimewave is high with muggings mysterious. There are a ton of phantom thefts going around and at most people have been seeing teens responsibile. And the police.. are at about this level of useful:

The only person doing something is April O’Neil, played by Judith Hoag. Hoag is easily the standout of the film, giving us a strong, confident woman with a wonderful sense of humor. She honestly might be my faviorite April O Neil, and given we’ve had some great ones with 2003, 2012 and Rise, that’s not something I say lightly. I honestly wish I’d recognized her in more stuff as she was both on Nashville and the mom in the Halloween Town films, and most recently was on the ScFy show the magicians. She’s a talented lady and i’m glad she’s still goin. 

April is a reporter for Channel 3 like the cartoon, though for some weird reason her boss from the cartoon is replaced by Charles Pennigton, played by Jay Patterson, whose currently dealing with his troubled son Danny, played by Micheal Turney. Pennington is horribly useless at both jobs: At work he tries to ease April off calling out Chief Sterns, who refuses to listen to April’s evidence gathered from japanese immigrants that the crimes resemble similar ones in japan in favor of trying to get charles to shut her up. Danny meanwhile is a member of the foot becase his dad thinks shouting out him and talking about him like he’s not there and generally being a dipstick will actually do anything to help him. 

I love the concept for the foot here. In addition to being a Ninja Violence Gang as always, they now recruit new members by finding kids without families or with troubled family lives and giving them a sense of family with the foot, and sweeting the bargin with a giant cave filled with arcade machines, a skate ramp and general late 80′s early 90′s kids goodies. Is it rediculous? Yes. Is it also clever as it gives Shredder an easy army of plausably deniable theives that he can pick the best out of to put in his elite that will be tirelessly loyal to him and him alone? Also yes. 

So April being public about this stuff gets her attacked, which naturally leads to our heroes coming in, first in the shadows and later directly when April wont’ give up on the case and Shredder sends some ninjas to go shut her up.. which he does weirdly as the guy jsut slaps her and tells her to cut it out like he’s on a domestically abusive episode of Full House. Raph saves her, and we get the turtles origin.. though weirdly they cut it in half. We get the ooze portion but Splinter’s past with Saki, Saki’s murder of his master and his master’s partern Tang Shen is left for later in the film and the fact Shredder’s saki is treated as a big twist despite the fact the biggest audience for the film would be kids... and kids would’ve been familiar with the cartoon where the giant brain monster routinely screeches out saki at the shredder. Maybe Barron just thought he was an alcoholic I don’t know. It just would’ve made more sense to have it all at once and let the audeince put it together. 

April becomes good friends with the turtles over a night of frozen pizza and camradrie, but the Splinters return home to find it ransacked, Splinter kidnapped by the foot, and are forced to Stay with april. Charles meanwhile tries to get April to backoff because he made a deal with the police to clear Danny’s record, without TELLING her any of this mind you, but I will save my rage on that little plot point for in a bit as Danny who he drug along sees the turtles and tells the Shredder. 

So we get the return of the shredder arc as Raph goes through a window, our heroes fight valiantly, and Raph’s friend Casey who he met earlier shows up, the two having bonded as all true friends do.. by beating the shit out of each other ending with raph shouting DAMNNNNNNN really big and dramatically into the sky for some reason. The Turtles and friends escape with an injured raph from April’s burning second hand store. She had a second hand store it was poorly established and only there because she had it in the comics. 

Our heroes retreat to a farm April’s grandma owned in Northampton, Massachutes, where Mirage was located at the time the original comics where they were exiled to the place were written and a location that has been a staple of the turtles ever since. The turtles slowly recover, lick their wounds, talk about who hooked up with who on gilligans island etc, before Leo connects with Splinter via meditation, who tells them to come back. Splinter also starts to connect with Danny and convinces him to swtich sides.. or at the very least squat in the boys old home. 

The boys return home, find danny, and prepare, Danny goes back and ends up giving away the Turtles are home.. but the turtles are ready and in an awesome sequence kick the fuck out of the foot squad sent for them with some well prepared steam vents. Casey goes to get splinter since Danny told them and with Danny’s help, finds him, since Danny found out they were gonna kill him. Casey beats up Tatsu, shredder’s right hand man, and they get him out. 

We get our final fight which is awesome up until the climax.. which is splinter casually tripping shredder with nunchucks and thier bloody history being kind of rushed and unsatsifying. Casey crushes shredder with a garbage truck, April gets her job back, more on that in a moment, she and casey hook up, and we end with the fucking awesome song T-U-R-T-L-E Power by partners in cryme. Seriously check it out it’s fucking triumphant. 

The song is just good.. cheesy? Sure but that’s half the fun. It’s the gold standard for movie theme songs for them and stacks up handily with the various animated series themes.. all of which slap. Okay... ALMOST all of which slap. Fast Forwards is aggressively medicore, which is doubly suprising to me since 4kids was REALLY damn good with theme songs. It was one of the three things they were best at along with finding VERY talented voice actors and setting japan based works in america because merica dammit.  

The plot is very solid: It skilfully packed half of eastman and laird’s run on TMNT into 90 mintues while adding things like April’s job at channel 9, the way the foot recurited kids etc. The plot flows well for hte most part and apart from one annoying subplot we’ll get to never has a moment that feel unecessary or dosen’t pay off later. And the stellar plot and fun pacing of it helps boilster the characters that do work... and help paper over the ones that are so thin the’yd fall down a grate...

Our Heroes, Villains and Annoying Middle Aged Guys:

Yeahhhh character is hit and miss here. Some are rather strong, others are the bare basics for the character their adapting and most are just to serve the plot but some work some don’t,  So let’s talk about it starting with our boys:

Raph is the most fleshed out of the turtles, being the main focus of the first 2/3 of the film, and having his anger be part of what SHOULD be a character arc, learning to temper it. And while granted MOST TMNT properties do this, to the point that Rise Raph is so loveable in part because his boisterous bruiser big bro attitude is a refreshing break from the usual grumpus we get. But at the time this hadn’t been done in every version but the 87 cartoon, so exploring it was valid.. but despite saying this should be a thing htey just forget about it and the most plot relevance he gets is going thorugh a window. He dosen’t really get a resolution.. his arc just kind of stops dead for the final half and it’s one of the film’s weaker points, one I only just now noticed on this rewatch. He’s still the most entertaining. 

Leo is the weakest of the turtles. He really lacks a personality here mostly just being leader and while his spirtual side is touched on, it’s  mostly a plot device. He’s just kinda the leader because he was in the comics to the point Partners in Cryme called Raph the leader. His role in getting taken out by the foot was taken by Raph, so he just has.. nothing to do for most of the film other than gripe at raph ocasionally and say orders. He’s probably the worst Leo i’ve seen outside of Next Mutation. I prefice that because after watching Phelous’ review it’s VERY clear those four are the worst versions of the characters, and no personality is still better than either having your team do nothing or yelling at them as your personality. I chalk this up to the Mirage Leo, and the mirage turtles to a poit being kind of bland. Not TERRIBLE characters, especially for the time, but not nearly as fleshed out or individualized as they woudl be in other adpatations, and with most traits LEo DID have, like his badassery flat out gone, he’s just.. nothing here. 

Mikey and Donnie are a double act here with both sharing a brain. Interestingly instead of his normal genius character, Donnie is Mikey’s best friend and the two simply trade jokes and schtick together. The two are interchangable.. but easily the best part of the film and a lot of the most memorable gags and lines, from Ninja Kick the Damn Rabbit! to “Do you like Penicllin on your pizza”, are from them. Thier there almost entirely as comic relief but it works, with both clealry being more modled ont he 87 cartoon turtles, a move that helps lighten the mood in darker moments. Their just genuinely charming and it’s intresting to see such a diffrent version of Donnie, and other incarnations, specifically the 2003 and Rise versions, would retain the sarcastic edge. 

Splinter is splinter. That’s about it, he’s peformed well and the puppet is amazing but he gets kidnapped a half an hour in and outside of influcencing Denny, more on that in a moment, and finishing Shredder he dosen’t do much but spout exposition. He’s not bad or anything, but he’s essentially a rodent shaped plot device. He was also puppeted by Kevin CLash, aka the guy who does Elmo. So there you go. 

April on the other hand.. is truly excellent. This might be my faviorite April. Judith’s april nicely blends the cartoon and mirage versions: She has the cartoons energy and job, but the comics sheer will and casual nature. Judith just oozes personality and her April is just a joy to watch, from her breezy chemistry filled interactions with the guys to her confrntation with Chief Sterns, knowing she’ll get thrown out by the asshole. She’s confident, and even when afraid dosen’t back down to her attackers and even helps out during the sewer ambush. I mean it’s a pot on the head but still it’s neat. She’s easily the best part of the flim and the most fleshed out of the cast. The worst I can say is they kinda shove her store from the comics, Second Time Around, in there for no other reason than it was in the comics: It dosen’t come up until it’s needed for the foot’s assault on her place. But overall.. she’s just fantastic to watch. 

Speaking of fantastic to watch, Elias Koteas is fantastic as Casey. Seriously he’s only second to the 2003 version in my eyes, getting the concept of a testorone filled average guy who decided to just go out and hit people with sports equipment after watching too much A-Team.. I mean that part of it’s not in this version but it’s implied, just right. Like judith, Elias is just really funny to watch and his big scenes, showing up just in time during the foot assault on april’s place and his fight with Tatsu are some of the best parts of the film, the former taken directly from the comics. This version isn’t without problems: His friendship with Raph, his most endearing aspect and one that has been carried throughout eveyr version Casey’s important, with the only exception so far being rise and we have a movie to fix that, is absent here. HE does save the guy, but they don’t really bond or anything. In fact he disappears for about half an hour after his big fight with Raph. But... again he’s just so damn entertaining, down to his JOSEEEEEEEEEEE Conseco bats (There was a two for one sale!).

Shredder is just a LITTLE better than splinter, if only because his actor projects a true aura of menace and I feel this version had some influence on the pants crappingly terrifying 2003 version. And the idea of the foot recurting teenagers like I said is a good one: He gives them home and a cause, they give him plausably deniable backup. And his fight with the boys in the climax is really awesome... the conclusion sucks but otherwise h’es okay. Not the deepest villian, but he has enough presence to be enjoyable.

His right hand man Tatsu, whose been adapted ocasionally since this and reimaigned as Natsu in the IDW comics, a female version, is also fine. He’s your standard grimacing goon but has enough presence to work. 

So that brings us to the penningtons. Charles, april’s boss at the station and his son Danny who’s joined the foot as he feels his dad dosen’t love him. Charles..is about as interesting and likeable as a dog turd and is the worst aspect of the film. No debate there, he just sucks. He sucks so hard he’s classified as a black hole.  The film wants you to see him as a put upon wokring dad whose frustrated with his son’s increased moodiness, skipping school and crminal undertakings and just wants to help him and loves him deep down. The problem is his actor’s delivery instead of concerned.. is just pissed. He just seems pissy and upset about the whole thing and comes off like he’s only mad about Danny doing this because he’s embarassing him and not because you know, it’s bad. When confronting Danny about stealing, he dosen’t consider MAYBE he’s part of a gang or needs help, but just wonders “Why are you stealing when I give you stuff”. Because, Dipshit, sometimes kids do crimes not because they need the stuff but because they WANT to, and because they want to act the fuck out. 

The most he does for the kid is agree to try and get April to back off the police when Cheif Sterns offers to let Danny go and not put him on record in exchange for it. The problem.. is this makes him even MORE unsympathetic. While I do get wanting to help your child, I do and it’s a sucky position... he again should be sympathetic.. but he handles the thing so badly it sucks. He just tells april to ease off, with no reason given, then fires her when she SHOCKINGLY dosen’t give up taking the guy whose refusing to take her hard work seriously or actually solve the crime wave problem to task for his shitty behavior as ANY person facing a shitty, corrput cop would. She just wants to hold him acountable and get him to actually do something. He clearly knows her on a personal level too as he talks about his issues with his son freely with her, something you don’t do with an employee unless their also a friend on some level. 

He could have TOLD april what was going on. She’d be furious at Stern’s naked corrpution and prioritizing shutting her up over actually solving crimes.. and thus put at least some of that energy into shutting him down or finding a way around it, going to the papers or something like that. Even in 1990 pre-internet, there were ways to get around Sterns blackmail and expose him so someone who’d actually do the job could get the job. Instead he just comes off as a selfish coward who rather than try and fight the guy blatantly abusing his power and using Charles own son as  barganing chip, goes along with it because it’s the easier option to simply bow to him instead of TRY and stop this. And it’s not like he’s even going after a beloved public figure or someone who could hide behind his rep: Sterns was blatantly failing a crime wave, April had called him out on his failrues and coverups multiple times. The public was against sterns.. finding out he tried to blackmail the media into shutting up about him would PROBABLY end him... I only say probably not because the public wouldn’t skewer him, but because police tend to escape consequences for blatantly murdering someone on a daily basis and Andrew Cumo is STILl mayor over in new york, the same city this movie takes place, 31 years later, depsite EVERYONE asking him to resign over a long history of sexual harassment and a more recent but still horrible history of hiding death numbers. I don’t doubt people being stupid enough to ignore this or the bilaws with cops being stacked enough for him to get away with it, but just because someone gets away with a crime dosen’t mean you shoudln’t try and go after them in the first place. Fuck. Charles. Pennington. 

Danny on the other hand is FAR more interesting and I think gets way too much flack when it comes to this subplot. Unlike his dad, whose dead weight, Danny is intresting: He provides a POV character for the foot’s MO in the film of taking in wayward teens, and his character arc is pretty engaging, slowly realizing the foot dosen’t care and that hte turtles are the good guys. HIs actor does a great job and while not the biggest presence, he’s not a bad addition to clan hamaoto and I wish other adaptations would find a way to use him. The pull between doing the right thing and his found family is a good struggle. My only real issue with his plot is the moviies flawed aseop about family. It tries to contrast shredder and his using the kids blatnatly with Splinter and Charles really loving their sons. And it works with Splinter and the kids because despite being a tad strict, Splinter clearly loves his sons and works with them to help them. The problem is ENTIRELY with Charles and Danny. As I said Charles love comes off as transasctional: He either thinks he can buy it or just expects it because he shot a bunch of goop into Danny’s mom after two minutes of disapointment. It dosen’t work with them because neither option is good for Danny. His father is neglectful, chooses throwing his jounralistic integrity out the window over talking to his son or his best friend about another way, and abrasive. Danny is no saint, he does do crimes, but it’s clearly a result of a shitty upbringing and the shredder and co actually offeirng him the love he desperatly craves. Danny goes to the foot because his dad is bad at his job but the film never adresses that and just expects Danny to go back to his dad because the plot says so. Danny would HONESTLY be better off with Splinter. No really. Sure he’d have to live in the sewers.. but he did so for a few weeks in the course of the movie. He’s fine down there. Splitner actually cares about him and took an intrest to him and knows how to raise a child. Let him become the fifth turtle. An aseop about family is not a bad thing: Loaded subject that it can be given how many outright abusive families exist, i’m one of the lucky ones who dosen’t have that issue, family is an important thing and can be a source of comfort and support. But this film tells you you should love and respect someone who does not love, respect or value you because he spent a minute in your mom’s vagina and that’s not how family should work and is outright dangerous to kids in an abusive situation. Love the film otherwise but fuck this aseop skyhigh. 

Final thoughts:

Overall though.. the film is bodacious. It’s funny, well paced, has an awesome cast, and outside of a certain bald asswipe... it’s a really good superhero film. Is it the best i’ve seen? Nope. Not even close and character wise most of them are as thin as a wet paper bag covered in ranch dressing. But it’s still a fun as hell with awesome corepgraphy, a killer soundtrack, seriously the soundtrack is damn excellent and only didn’t get it’s own section because I didn’t have enough to say and some of the best effects work i’ve seen in a film in the turtle suits. If you haven’t seen it I urge you to check it out: it’s a breezy 90 minutes, it’s on hbo max and it’s a shell of a time. Will I do the next film? 

We’ll see how this one does like wise and such, but I will be doing the rise film whenever it comes out this year. So look for that and keep possesing turtle power my dudes. If you liked this review subscirbe for more, join my patreon to keep this blog a chugging, comission a review if you have more turtle stuff you want me to cover, and comment on this. What do you think of the movie, what are your thoughts on the review, what can I do better, what other turtle stuff would you like me to cover/ Let me know and i’ll see you at hte next rainbow. 

[s0022219a2film-blog]

Section 1: Creative Investigation R. Creative Investigation – collated quotes

Berardinelli, J. (2017). Alice in Wonderland | Reelviews Movie Reviews. [online] Reelviews Movie Reviews. Available at: http://www.reelviews.net/reelviews/alice-in-wonderland [Accessed 19 Oct. 2017].

“For his interpretation. Tim Burton - no stranger to the concept of a twisted tale - has softened some of the sharper edged, added a dose of high octane action, and still managed to keep Alice In  Wonderland in tough with its dark side.”

“Alice (Mia Wasikowska) is not a little girl. She’s a 19 year old woman about to be forced into a socially advantageous but personally odious wedding.”

“Wonderland is a magical place to behold, although it in many ways resembles the otherworld of Narnia as recreated in the recent Disney co-produced pictures.”

“Although Burton imprints his own macabre humor-tinged signature on a strange and wondrous place where six impossible things happen before breakfast, his vision is less overtly weird than it has been for past adaptions of literary work.”

“Burton has crafted something all-new for this generation, and has done a solid job with his re-imagining.”           

Usatoday30.usatoday.com. (2017). 3-D ‘Alice in Wonderland’ sparkles with magic, splendor - USATODAY.com. [online] Available at: https://usatoday30.usatoday.com/life/movies/reviews/2010-03-05-alice05_ST_N.htm [Accessed 20 Oct. 2017].

“...story he presents, with a more empowered 19-year-old Alice, is engaging and amusing.”

“Burton’s distinctive cinematic style makes this electric fantasy - infused with both dark and light - a dynamic marriage of original material and modern filmmaker.”

“The only misstep comes as the credits roll, with a pop song by Avril Lavigne that sounds like a generic version of one of her previous hits and seems to pander to a teen audience.”

“As Alice, Mia Wasikowska is pitch-perfect, looking the part and capturing her sense of innocence.”

“Burton artfully creates animated characters such as the White Rabbit, the Cheshire Cat (voiced by Stephen Fry) and the Jabberwacky (Christopher Lee).”

“But Burton also wisely calls upon his dual muses, Johnny Depp as the addled Mad Hatter, and Helena Bonham Carter as the imperious Red Queen.”

Perno, G. (2017). Directors’ Trademarks: Tim Burton. [online] Cinelinx.com. Available at: http://www.cinelinx.com/movie-stuff/item/6889-director-s-trademarks-tim-burton.html [Accessed 19 Sept. 2017].

“Alice and Wonderland features multiple characters generated by CGI so that their proportions are exaggerated to emphasize their gothic stylings.” 

“Alice who, against society’s pressures, doesn’t want to be told how to live her life. In her despair she tumbles into the rabbit hole once again.”

Berardinelli, J. (2017). Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children | Reelviews Movie Reviews. [online] Reelviews Movie Reviews. Available at: http://www.reelviews.net/reelviews/miss-peregrine-s-home-for-peculiar-children [Accessed 20 Oct. 2017].

“Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children is sufficiently different from the countless dystopian YA adventures”

“Burton adds his own stamp to the production by making the hollows nightmare-worthy and by tipping his hat to Ray Harryhausen in a scene that features Sinbad-inspired skeletons engaged in combat with the larger creatures.”

“Burton has assembled on impressive cast, all of who do their thing. Asa Butterfield”

“The movie’s pacing sags a little toward the middle and the action sequence that forms the climax goes on for a little too long, although Burton injection of quasi-comedic elements into this apocalyptic segment is welcome.”

“Miss Peregrine’s School for Peculiar Children can be applauded for telling an engaging stand-alone story while offering the possibility if additional adventures I wouldn’t mind spending another semester with these characters.”            

Dargis, M. (2017). Review: In ‘Miss Peregrine’s Home,’ Chasing Grandpa’s Stories Down a Rabbit Hole. [online] Nytimes.com. Available at: https://www.nytimes.com/2016/09/30/movies/miss-peregrines-home-for-peculiar-children-review.html?_r=0 [Accessed 20 Oct. 2017].

“Mr. Burton should never hack off his strange bits: they can be glorious.”

“Mr. Burton has to wind up the story and dispense with the usual preliminaries, the introduction and scene-setting, which he manages nicely.”

“It takes a while for Mr. Burton to get his kink on. Although he has some fun setting up Jake’s juvenile detention (i.e. life), the story begins to sag almost before it’s begun, despite the time-skipping and peekaboo at the mysteries to come.”

“And we’re off, having artistry is at times most evident in its filigree, can be a great collector when given the right box to fill, as is the case here.”

“With his lanky limbs as wells as his dark hair and clothes, Mr. Butterfield can’t hep but bring to min Mr. Burton, who of course plays the same role for us.”

“Mr Burton’s attention to detail and to ebb and flow of tone (scary, funny, eerie), as well as his sensitive, gentle work particularly with the child actors, make each new turn another occasion for unfettered imagination.”

”the movie holds you tight with one after another marvellous, horrible, indelible vision.”

 We Live Entertainment. (2017). “Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children” Review. [online] Available at: http://weliveentertainment.com/welivefilm/miss-peregrines-home-peculiar-children-review/ [Accessed 20 Oct. 2017].

”The film is a journey back to the wonderfully classic Tim Burton films that we all love so much. There is a scene where Enach (Finlay MacMillan) uses his peculiarity to bring these sewn together pieces of animal/human back to life, and it is a beautifully classic stop-motion Tim Burton moment.”

“The memorable scene is where they show the transformation from human to Hollowgast, and that scene reminded me of scenes from Beetlejuice.”

“The atmosphere created in Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children in classic Burton style, reminiscent of Edward Scissorhands.”

“Each costume and set design is perfect with that little quirk that makes it a Tim Burton film. The colours in the film are beautiful and bright in Miss Peregrine’s world.”

“Tim Burton doesn’t do sequels so I sincerely hope this is an exception, and he will be back with the sequels to this film. Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children is an instant Burton classic.”

“The visuals are stunning along with an odd-ball inspirational story about being true to yourself.”

Burton, T., Salisbury, M. and Depp, J. (2000). Burton on Burton. London: Faber.

“The manifestation of the image made itself apparent and probably came to surface when I was a teenager, because it is a very teenage thing”

“...people feel that way to some degree, because it’s frustrating and sad to feel a certain way but for it not come to through. So the idea had to do with image and perception.”

“From day one you’re categorized.”

“So I think the film is more of a reaction against that kind of categorization.”

Classic-horror.com. (2017). Edward Scissorhands (1990) | Classic-Horror.com. [online] Available at: http://classic-horror.com/reviews/edward_scissorhands_1990 [Accessed 20 Oct. 2017].

“The story, told more chronologically than Burton and co-scripter Caroline Thompson relay it, concerns an eccentric inventor (the Dr. Frankenstein/Gepetto role), played by horror icon Vincent Price, who lives in a gothic castle on a hill overlooking a stereotypical suburb.”

“To an extent, Edward Scissorhands is a critique of conformity.”

“Burton grew up in a neighborhood similar to the Boggs’, which likely gives him a soft spot in his heart for it, despite his being Edward Scissorhands to the rest of the crowd.”

“Interestingly, Burton is not only being autobiographical about his history in Edward Scissorhands, but the film carries its themes throughout more subtle levels. Edward’s gothic home, including the land it sits on, is typically Burtonesque in art design and architecture.“

Perno, G. (2017). Directors’ Trademarks: Tim Burton. [online] Cinelinx.com. Available at: http://www.cinelinx.com/movie-stuff/item/6889-director-s-trademarks-tim-burton.html [Accessed 19 Sept. 2017].

“style is the costume and makeup for Edward Scissorhands, who looks like he belongs in some sort of creepy goth punk rock band. Not only is the character himself gothic, but he lives in an old gothic mansion.” 

“Edward Scissorhands the interior of Edward’s mansion is also devoid of light, unlike the outside world where the town is bright, colorful, and full of cheer.“

Aesthetica Magazine. (2017). Aesthetica Magazine - The Imagination of Tim Burton. [online] Available at: http://www.aestheticamagazine.com/the-imagination-of-tim-burton/ [Accessed 20 Oct. 2017].

“His films, specifically his animated films, have been the subject of much discussion and critical analysis for what they are about and how they are constructed as well as how they have developed as mainstream films and pieces of art in their own right.”

"the cinematic creative process and proves, undoubtedly, that Burton is not just a director nor an artist but an auteur.”

“Burton, as the director auteur, is comparable to other such directors as Eisenstein and Rossellini, but his style of filmmaking is intrinsically different for its focus on animation and the idea of the fairytale.”

“Burton’s personal style of direction and creative vision is articulated through both the story and the directorial technique.”

“Edward embodies the different and reflects the audiences own fears of exclusion and ostracisation by conventional society. That Burton, as a director, can visualise and express these feelings through the cinematic process is the skill of his work and an integral part of it.”

“Burton has a storytellers mastery of the fairytale: he has grasped the elusive nature of the human imagination and offered a conduit into its basic, internal structure.”

“Burton reflects their inner torment through their image and exaggerates those tragic qualities.”                 

Itzkoff, D. (2017). Tim Burton on His Movies, His Life and His Tombstone. [online] Nytimes.com. Available at: http://www.nytimes.com/2012/09/23/movies/tim-burton-at-home-in-his-own-head.html [Accessed 20 Oct. 2017].

“...filmmaker behind invitingly grim delights like “Beetlejuice” and “Edward Scissorhands” is a definitive Burtonesque experience.”

“His style is strongly visual, darkly comic and morbidly fixated, but it is rooted just as much in his affection for monsters and misfits”

”would imagine, if you talk to every single kid, most of them probably felt similarly. But I felt very tortured as a teenager. That’s where “Edward Scissorhands” came from.” 

“To me he’s more like a Boris Karloff-type actor, a character actor, than a leading man.          

Sight and Sound (1997) PAX AMERICANA. Aliens. February 1997. 6-9

“More weird than funny.”

“while validating Burton another way, The New York Times advised anxious parents that, like The Cable Guy (the year’s prize film maudit). Mars Attacks! Might be too dark for their children.”

That the movie set is a normal future, resembling a more fabulous version of High 50s, further suggests a particular form of cultural nostalgia”

“Infused with the populux Jetsonism of the early 60s, Mars Attacks! Draws on the entire 1948 to 1973 “Golden Age”

Perno, G. (2017). Directors’ Trademarks: Tim Burton. [online] Cinelinx.com. Available at: http://www.cinelinx.com/movie-stuff/item/6889-director-s-trademarks-tim-burton.html [Accessed 19 Sept. 2017].

“Tim Burton is one of those directors who has an easily identifiable visual style. Almost all of his films revel in gothic imagery. From the characters themselves, to the props, to the houses and cities where the films take place are sculpted in an an exaggerated, almost cartoonish way to emphasize “goth” features.

“Many of his films feature common archetypes so that the audience can easily recognize their motives.”

“Burton likes to use flashbacks in order to tell a story within a larger story. He uses them to help add additional depth to his characters and, in the case of his main characters, help the audience understand why they are so strange.”

"Danny Elfman has created the soundtracks for all of Burton’s films.”

"Most prominently, it’s Johnny Depp and Helena Bonham Carter who have appeared the most (8 and 7 films respectively).”

Hodgson, B (2017) The Elusive Auteur. The Question of Film Authorship Throughout the Age of Cinema. Jefferson, North Carolina: McFarland and Co.

“Sarris’s auteur were subject to fluctuating creative space and direct control over their careers where they negotiated the obstacles and power plays of the system in different ways.”

“Directors designated as prospective auteurs were not lowly subordinates in the studio production hierarchy.”

“The superior craftsman’s filmmaking skills and professionalism were subordinated to the studio’s purposes by the manner in which they harnessed star performance...”

“The journeyman strictly adhered the narrative and generic norms of the commercial system...”

Andrew Sarris (1962) Notes on the Auteur Theory in 1962. Barry Keith Grant (ed) Auteurs and Authorship. Oxford Blackwell Publishing. 35-42

“If the auteur critics of the 1950s had not scored so many coups of Clairvoyance, the auteur theory would not be worth discussing the 1960s.”

“Now, by the auteur theory, if a director has no technical competence, no elementary flair for cinema, he is automatically cast out from the pantheon of directors.”

“The three premises of the auteur theory may be visualized as three concentric circles: the outer circle as technique; the missile circle, personal style; and the inner circle, interior meaning.”                                                                                           

“Directors, even auteurs, do not always run true to form, and the critic can never assume that a bad director will always make a bad film.”

               Gledhill, C. (1991). Stardom. London: Routledge.

“In standard histories the forces which put the star system in place are reduced to the play of personal initiative on the one hand and a reified notion of the public desire on the other.”

“…the development of this system was effected through three significant transformations in this regard. These can be listed in the order of their appearance: (1) the discourse on acting, (2) the picture personality and (3) the star.”

“ ‘Psychological nuance is not particularly at issue here: the emotion expressed is viewed in broad, unindividuated terms: ‘the emotion of a happening’.”

“Early genres such as the chase film relied wholly on action, casting performers only in broad social types…”

[seventhtower]

FRANK REVIEWS A MOVIE: Issue #3 - IT (2017) Part I

                So, here’s the thing: this movie sucks. But in order for me to accurately convey how much it sucks, I’m gong to break this review down into several parts: 1) The movie by itself, 2) The movie compared to the TV mini series, 3) The movie compared to the novel. I think it’s pretty important to address each in its own category and not mesh the three together. That way we can all see why “It” (2017) doesn’t stand up, no matter what the excuse is.                 But before we delve too deep into the sewers of Derry, I want to start off with things I DID enjoy about the movie. They’re few, but they are note worthy:                 - Some subtle things: There were a few things in the movie that were genuinely creepy to me, because they were so subtle. Like the kid show playing on all the TVs. Or my favorite part of the movie when the creepy old lady in the background of the library stops and stares at Ben reading the Derry history book. However, as much as I liked these bits, the movie always had a way to fuck it up and go overboard.                 - Neat visuals: I liked some of the design to a few things quite a bit! How the kids floating around the tower of junk, Pennywise’s blood floating upward when he was hurt, Pennywise’s “deadlights”, even the clown suit started to grown on me even if the makeup didn’t. I applaud some of the concept design, because it was pretty cool sometimes. And the cinematography is included here, because there was a lot of awesome shots. Like Stan fixing the askew painting on the wall, also fixing the camera’s perspective. Neat!                 - Funny: Some of the kids were great in this movie! Ritchie was hilarious, Bill and Stan were acted great, and Ben was adorable. They did splendid!

Alright, that’s about it for the stuff I liked. Moving on.

Chapter One: “IT” (2017)

                DISCLAIMER: I am a VERY big fan of the novel. You will often find me saying it’s basically my bible. A lot of questions I will be asking in this section I already know the answers to. What I aim to show is how an average viewer who is not privy to the novelor has any or no memory of the tv series can have these questions, and can be left wondering. I’m taking myself out of my fan shoes and putting myself in silly ass clown shoes, if you will, and will review this objectively.                 One of my friends streamed the entire opening sequence on her Snapchat before I saw the film myself and I was able to catch a sneak peak. And what I saw was dreadful. I think the entire film can be summed up with that whole pre-title section. Bad pacing, bad editing, not scary. Something like this:                 The story starts off with two boys in a room making a boat. The walls are littered with 80’s movie posters (trying hard not to pretend like I haven’t seen that aesthetic recently). Our lead child actor (?) (I’ll be honest by the end I’m not sure if there is a leader of the bunch), Bill, sits in bed sick, while his younger brother, Georgie, waits to be handed the boat. But first he must get the wax to it wont sink. But the was is in the basement! Reluctantly, he trugs down the dark basement stairs and finds the wax. During this slow climb downward a very loud, obnoxious, blare of his walkie-talkie cuts in: his brother reminding him to hurry up. Was that noise supposed to scare me? It didn’t even make anyone in the audience jump. Hmm. He eventually finds the wax and is stopped by a pair of shinny eyes staring at him from the darkness. He shines a flashlight on them and they turn out to be. . . I’m not sure exactly, but they were not belonging to monster. Que loud “scary noise” and a bit of thunder, and Georgie bolts backup the stairs to have some small chat with his brother before he’s off down the street chasing the boat in the rain. I’m not sure how this next part happens, because the camera clearly shows us, from his perspective, that there are two barricades directly next to each other. But he dips under one, and on his way up its revealed there’s another one (even thought they already showed us that) and he smacks his head and collapses. This kids kinda dumb. Anyway, he loses his boat in the sewer and this is where things start to get worse. We’re introduced to Pennywise, the villain of the movie here, as he greets Georgie from inside the sewer’s opening. Why is this kid talking to such a scary as clown? Just listen to it. It’s sounds like psychopath. This kid is dumb. The unfriendly clown chats it up with the not so bright child for a bit, then it cuts away to a woman and her cat opening her porch shutters. Why take the focus on Gerogie and the clown? Why was this so important enough to cut to? She doesn’t do anything. Back to the kid, and he’s about to take off, when Pennywise offers him his boat back. Come on. This clown is legit drooling. And is it cock-eyed?! What in the world. . . No way a kid is going to find this appealing enough to talk to. But, as established, this kids dumb, so he reaches for the boat, and the clowns face warps in a horrific toothy monstrosity of CGI effects. I’m not even frightened about all the fangs, I’m more scared about how bad it looks. Then we snap cut to a close up of It biting down on Georgie’s arm ripping it off. Something tells me that’s going to be the pattern here. . . Loud low scary noise, snap cut to close up of a scary thing. We’ll see. After having his arm bitten off and not passing out from shock or blood loss in a few seconds flat, the kid manages to crawl away yelling, before being drug down into the sewer. The old lady seen before notices the large amount of blood pooling in the rain. Did they really need a shot disrupting the flow the kid and clown just to show this old lady ahead of time? They could have cut that other part out and just shown her here and it would have worked fine. Man. The title comes after in a blaring cacophony of children laughing. And that’s that.

                The movie follows this formula pretty tightly. ESPECIALLY when it comes to the scares. Every one of them has a kid in a scary situation then the “loud spooky noise” happens, it cuts away to a close up of a gross face. I thought it was a coincidence the second time I noticed. By the end of the movie I was rolling my eyes. Jump scares lose what little effect they have when they’re predictable. There wasn’t a single thing in this movie that frightened me. There was the creepy bits mentioned in the cool stuff section, but nothing long lasting or made my heart quicken. And it’s not that I can’t be scared at all. Because I can be. But this movie didn’t even get close. The only part that could have potentially made me squirm was when Pennywise jumps out of the projection on the wall. But it is ruined by the weirdly paced slide effect. It kept cutting out to blackness for no reason. It wasn’t like he was slowly getting closer all creep like every time the light went back on. That would have been awesome. But he was already charging at the kids. It felt like a normal scene that had the cut always thrown in as an afterthought.                 And this is my main problem with this movie. It’s lack of subtlety. Once they have something going for it they ruin it by throwing a million other ideas into the scene. Ben reading the book in the library with the old woman in the background would have been great by itself. But they had to add an over the top chase scene. Instead of creating a sense of unsettling fear build up they opt for loud noises, cheap jump scares, and horrible CGI.                 And what’s with Pennywise running at the camera all the time? Almost every single instance of him creating the scare for the scene it’s him running head long at the viewer, usually having a weird epileptic shaking fit! How is that scary? And why does it look so awful? It looks as if were designed to be viewed for 3D but didn’t translate at all to 2D. Everything's blurred and frigidity. Isn’t he supposed to be the scariest part of the movie? Then why is he the least scary? Also, the voice It has is a little annoying to me. Its like a weird Jack Nicholson/ Heath Ledger mix. Its both growly and whiny in the span of a few words. I’ve seen a lot of people applaud his acting, but the most I saw him do of worth was drool. But I’m not going to hand out gold stars for physical acting for drool.                 To destroy the terror, or lack there of, are the Losers Club. The one with the glasses was pretty funny. But sometimes the humor gets a little out of place. Once again, lacking in subtlety. Then kid with the pills, was also the funny one, too? So, there’s two jokers, I guess. But his acting started to get annoying over time. It felt over the top and unnatural. By the way, that kid’s arm was NOT broken when he fell on the table. They show his arm clear as day and it aint broke until the next time they show him. Bill was played well, but his character was written poorly. He must be as dumb as his brother if he thinks he’s still alive to be found. And is his motivation to find his brother, or to kill It? That wasn’t really clear. Bev, I thought was pretty cool. Tough, strong female. Until she’s taken and used as the damsel in distress. Guess she wasn’t that tough. Ben, as a chubby kid at heart myself, was relatable. He was probably my favorite of the bunch. Kind of a nerd, with all the history stuff, secretly in love with a childhood crush. But he probably got it the worst out of all of them. He got it the worst from Henry, the bully, by having his name almost engraved into his stomach, and he also got it the worst from It by having his stomach slashed opened. The later was a bit odd to me, because no one seemed to really care that his stomach was literally ripped open. Not even him. And it wasn’t just a scratch. It was pretty bad. Dude, go to the hospital for that. Then there was the Jewish kid. I like that actor a lot. He had this natural inevitability to his character that was really nice. But he didn’t really do much. Then there’s, what was his name, Mike? Mark? The black kid. He wasn’t even In the movie for a large amount of it. And that’s kinda sad. Because I can see has the potential for some acting chops. And its even worse that all the bonding the kids do in the film, he isn’t a part of. He genuinely had no role other than to provide the gun thing. By the way, I don’t know if he should pay more attention to his Grandfather or something, but I don’t know how he got “I’m an outsider. I should stick to myself.” Form the speech he was given in the beginning. That’s a bit of a stretch.                 The subtlety knows no bounds even in the end, where the kids literally beat their fears into submission. But they still seemed kinda scared of them though, so, I’m not sure if that worked or not. But to be fair, I probably would have beat that clown, too, after doing that lame ass jig of a dance. Was that supposed to be humorous? I have no idea. But it was dumb. And I saw Ashlee Simpson do it better on SNL.                 All in all this movie is a cluster fuck. Things feel out of order or timed weirdly. Like why are we told what a leper is like half an hour AFTER we see a leper? All the scenes have no flow or rhythm to them. They feel like small shorts tied up with a very thing thread. For instance, they help Ben and in the next scene they’re friends. It just feels like stuff was missing to explain everything better. There are so many questions out in the air without any explanation. Here are a few:                 - Why does it keep showing “Silver” on Bill’s bike? Is that important?                 - What is that tubular building they kept showing? The one on the postcard? Is THAT   important?                 - Why does the Mark see multiple set of arms crawling out from behind the door when it was just his mom and dad that died in the fire?                 - Ben mentioned a “Bradly Gang”. What’s that? They never mentioned it.                 - Why is Pennywise a clown in the first place? Is it because Ritchie is scared of clowns? But he was a clown to everyone else, and before we even find that information out.                 - Was it actually a turtle that brushed by their feet in the lake? Was that important?                 - Why does Beverly cut her hair? Something her dad did? Didn’t I see that in the new Power Rangers movie too?                 - Why is Stan scared of the painting? I get that he IS scared of it, but why? They could have set that up better. And didn’t I see a similar painting escapes the painting is in the room thin the new Conjuring movie too?                 - How does Bev come to the conclusion that thembeing all together is why they were able to hurt It? They don’t know that. They never tried hurting it without them all together.                 - Does Ben have parents? And seriously, why doesn’t anyone care about his stomach slashed open?!                 - Why does It attack Mark with mantis hands(?) during the final fight?                 - Why does It turn into a mummy to attack Ben during the final fight?                 - Why does It turn into Bev’s dad when we all know she just practically killed him not too long ago.                 - If It can just capture them all one at a time like he did Bev, why are the rest of them even a threat.                 - Why does It turn into the demigorgon form Stranger Things? What are those weird lights in its mouth? Why does it make Bev into a psychic?                 - Why does this remind me of Stranger Things so much?                 - There are four bullies; why can I only remember two of their names? Who are the other two? Why weren’t they given names?                 - Why were the bullies even relevant? They didn’t do much that couldn’t have been taken out with no effect on the story.                 - Is Henry dead at the end?                 - Why did Henry need to kill his dad?                 - Henry’s dads the cop from the beginning of the movie? Were we supposed to know that?                 - How old are these kids? They look so young, but come out of Derry High School.                 - Why is Henry “looking” for Ben when school lets out?                 - Did they actually hurt It during the final fight? He doesn’t appear to be wounded, just wet.                 - Why does his head disintegrate before he falls?                 - Does the gun thing actually hurt him when Bill shoots him?                 - How did the kids get out of the sewers?                 - Why didn’t they try to get more adult help?                 - Why can’t Bev’s dad see the blood in the restroom?                 - Why do those old people in the car ignore Ben’s cries for help? Was the balloon supposed to mean they were actually Pennywise?                 - Why does It have a lair in a such an obvious spot? Anyone can just find the hole in the ceiling and look down and see all the kids floating.                 - Why did they all cut their hands in the end? Was it like a blood oath?                 - It feels like there's a book that would explain this stuff better. Is there a book?                 As you can see, this movie made me have a lot of questions. And some of this stuff felt like it was forced in with no explanation on purpose, but I’m not sure why. And half of those questions had nothing to do with the main story, so I’m really scratching my head on why they were included.                 In summation, I think this movie had a lot of potential going for it. It could have been pretty neat. But the lack of control to hold back left it bloated with too much junk. The scares weren’t scary, the clown wasn’t clowny, and the kids, while some were good, were somewhat ever the top.                 I give it it 4/10 Tim Currys.

Continued in “Part Two: ‘It’ (2017) vs ‘It’ (1990)

[redditnosleep]

I’m Listening

by Cymoril_Melnibone 

“A good listener” was the most enduring phrase on my school report cards. I was quiet, punctual and obedient. Many of the teachers largely forgot about my presence in the classroom, since I caused no trouble. It’s ironic, that this recurring summation of my character missed something. Certainly I was a good listener, but only because that allowed me to be a much better observer; specifically of other people, and mostly without them even noticing. If anyone had bothered to ask, I could have listed every habit of Kari Pearson, the girl who sat two desks away, or provided a comprehensive psychological profile of my teacher, Mrs Rawlins – although that would have been very much from a child’s perspective. After I left highschool, I started studying to become a psychologist. I must confess, my choice of study was an exercise in academic curiosity right from the start, rather than being born of any great desire to help people. You can’t observe humankind as keenly as I already had without realising how nasty and self-absorbed most of us are. I wasn’t sure that any amount of analysis was going to solve that problem. But as I honed my skills of observation to a wicked edge, I noticed him.

If you’ve ever tried not to be noticed, you’ll know how difficult it is. You try to quiet your breathing, stop fidgeting, and keep your eyes down, so that nobody around you has that prickly feeling of being watched. But where most people go wrong is by trying to hide, rather than simply staying unnoticed – and these are very different things. Hiding is active, not passive, and best done behind or beneath something, where only sound or movement will really give you away. The key to not being noticed is to be so ordinary that other people’s minds skip right over you. I describe my jacket as not quite grey. Perhaps it’s faintly brown, or perhaps it’s vaguely blue; in different lights, it seems to shift, to reflect the surroundings. The cut is somewhere between blazer and business, but truly neither. With it goes a blouse that is a lighter grey, with a hint of cream – but not pale enough to draw the eye. My knee-length skirt is the same colour as the jacket, and my shoes are flat and serviceable. This nondescript ensemble, combined with shoulder-length brown hair, glasses with gunmetal frames and a naturally forgettable face, allowed me to feel that I had mastered the art of blending in. I bought coffee every day at the same café, and the barista always asked for my name. My doctor had to remind himself who I was whenever I visited, flipping through my short file. Other students barely registered my presence, and I didn’t have any friends – but that suited me fine. I knew everything about my peers already, picking up the nuances of their personalities when they thought they were unobserved. And that left me with little desire to become closer to any of them. In an odd way, I felt I was more connected to humanity than anyone else around me, almost overloaded with the sheer amount of social and emotional information that saturated the air. I wondered sometimes if this was how a telepath would feel – except instead of social cues, it would be direct thoughts, constantly bombarding you, with no ability to shut them out. Indeed, if I observed someone long enough, I could even begin to predict their behaviour, even their speech patterns to a point where I could mouth their responses to myself, with enough accuracy that it would probably scare people. So I kept that to myself. Sometimes I sought out more isolated places, but there are few of those within the churn of an overcrowded city. Mostly I found solace in my invisibility.

As I said, not being noticed is an artform of carefully curated banality, of doing things so predictably ordinary that other people simply don’t register you. People are bad at remaining unobserved because at the most primitive level they want to be noticed. The ego, whether large or small, needs attention from fellow primates – it’s so instinctive that you’re not even aware of it. You want to make a mark on the world. You want to leave it changed for everyone else, simply because you exist. Our monkey brains are constantly screaming ‘I was here’ into the void. When you sit in a café, nursing your chai-spiced-whatever or your double-cream something, you hope that you’re drinking it in a way that makes you look cool to the redhead near the counter. You chose that particular beverage only because you think it’s a little bit unique. And that might make you special somehow; maybe just a little bit better than the other people around you. Your shoes are red – you’ve forgotten you’re wearing them – but you didn’t choose them because they are comfortable or durable. You chose them because you think they look good, that they make a statement, they complement and/or enhance some other feature or item of clothing. I digress, but my point is this: everyone wants to be noticed a little bit. Everyone wants to be remembered. So when I noticed the man, it was during one of those very rare moments when his absorbed humanity betrayed him. It must have only been for an instant, and not really long enough to register anywhere but in my subconscious. I left the café, still processing everything I had seen, mentally making notes as I always did. When I got home I liked to catalogue things digitally, to type up my thoughts about people, to assist me in my analysis of humankind. My fingers faltered on the keyboard as I almost remembered something, then instantly lost the thread. Reading back, I followed the chain, then my mind stumbled for an instant, as though there was a tiny gap in the train of thought – like a half-remembered smell or colour from childhood. Concentrating, I forced a more detailed replay; remembering the chatter as I observed the café – two teenage boys talking excitedly about a computer game, one clearly lying about his exploits, the other doubting him but not wanting to challenge his friend, and then… In my mind’s eye, I saw it. It was the silhouette of a man, sitting at one of the tables, but colourless and two dimensional. He wore a hat and a suit jacket, but I could discern no other details. A flat man, so non-existent, so unnoticeable that even my carefully trained senses couldn’t register him completely. A frisson of excitement tinged with fear thrilled up my spine. I had to find out who he was. What he was.

I watched and I waited, surreptitiously scanning the café while remaining as banal and uninteresting as I could. I went back day after day, hoping to see him again, to catch a glimpse of the flat man. As weeks rolled past and I couldn’t find him, I began to doubt myself. Perhaps it was an anomalous memory, some minor glitch in my brain? No, I knew I had seen something. Other possibilities presented themselves as I aimlessly scanned a newspaper, turning the pages at just the right speed and volume to draw neither positive nor negative attention. What if he had noticed me noticing him? After all, he was clearly much, much better at this than I was. Perhaps he had simply stopped coming to the café – had decided to move on rather than risk discovery. And if he was gone, if he had moved on, I would probably never see him again in my life. Nobody that good at hiding in plain sight could be chanced upon randomly. Or was he so good at being socially invisible that he was here, right now, but even I couldn’t detect him? And then it hit me, with such obviousness and clarity that I almost laughed. No matter how good he was at hiding from human eyes, surely the man couldn’t escape cameras. My phone was on the table, an essential tool for blending in. Neither a new model nor an old one, it had the default sounds, the default screens and the default apps. I didn’t take photos often and I fumbled with the settings until I found the panorama shot. Lifting the phone, I dragged it through the air, getting as much of the café in the shot as possible. Predictably, a couple of people felt the gaze of lens pass over them; postures changed, faces subconsciously rearranged themselves. But they were not noticing me. They were noticing themselves being noticed, immortalised. I closed the camera app and left the café. If the flat man was there, surely I would have caught him. Back at home, I pulled the image up on my laptop. The details of the café were crisp and bright, humans caught like statues mid-mouthful or halfway through the bathroom door, those few faces turned towards the camera. It was a large, metropolitan café, often boasting fifty customers at a time, so looking through the image was like trying to solve one of those ‘Where’s Wally’ posters on the roof of your dentist’s office. But this Wally was one you had never seen before. I knew all the regulars, so I quickly discounted them, moving on to the people who were new or infrequent customers. Each was ordinary in their specialness, none of them betraying any hint they might be my flat man. As I pored over every pixel, growing increasingly frustrated, I realised that this was less a Wally picture than one of those Magic Eye images that were so popular in the 90s. Scrolling around, I let my mind unfocus, not seeing the individual shapes as people and faces, but rather perceiving them as just colours and edges, a generalised mass disconnected from their humanity. And there he was. It wasn’t like those sci-fi movies with poorly done CGI, where the person is ‘invisible’ but the digital distortion betrays them. It was more like very skilled body-art, the subject painted to so perfectly resemble a tree or a supermarket shelf that’s it’s invisible unless you know what you’re looking at. He blended so perfectly, so unobtrusively, that it defied nature. My nape prickled. Worst of all, he had been sitting right behind me. And I hadn’t had the faintest idea he was there.

“I know you’re behind me,” I said quietly, my voice pitched within that range that’s hard to hear in a busy place unless you’re right next to someone, “And I want to talk to you.” I didn’t see or hear anything out of the ordinary, but when I next blinked, he was there, sitting across from me in the booth. Even knowing he was there, my eyes still slid right off him, as though he were made of perceptual Teflon. His hat and suit might have been grey, or they might have been tan – even the memories seem slippery, elusive. His features were a nothing; two eyes, a nose and a mouth, and a suggestion of stubble, but all so ordinary that they refused to imprint as a definitive face in my mind. He didn’t speak at first, he just smiled, his teeth neither straight nor crooked. “Come with me,” he said, his voice barely crossing the space between us, unheard by anyone else. He didn’t seem to walk so much as slide. It was so hard to keep track of him, even when aware of his presence. There was an impression that he walked, but I couldn’t tell you if his legs actually moved, how fast or slow, how tall he was, his build, nothing. My eyes began to water as I followed him out into the street; if I blinked, I’d lose him. As people closed around us, he wavered and slipped out of existence, only reappearing when I focused so hard it made my temples ache. My headache grew as I followed him down one street, then another. I would swear his clothing changed several times, merging seamlessly with the feel of each suburb; always so perfectly ordinary for the particular surroundings that he was practically a piece of the architecture. With every ounce of my keen powers of observation concentrated on tracking him, I realised I was suddenly lost, in an utterly unfamiliar part of the city. Which was impossible, because we’d walked less than two blocks from the café. The man still moved ahead, between two buildings. I hurried to catch him, stepping around the corner. And in an instant, I was no longer in the bustling, overcrowded city. I stood in a forest of towering trees, echoing with eerie birdsong not heard for a hundred years or more.

He did not blend here. Unnatural in the green paradise, the man stood out starkly, his pale features, city coat and hat completely wrong in the rustling woodland. “Where are we?” I asked, spinning to see only gargantuan tree trunks in every direction, a distant glimpse of bright sky through the dense canopy of leaves far above us. “A sanctuary. One I created.” “How did we get here? How far did we travel?” “We didn’t. This place has been here for fifty years, right inside the city.” I stared at him, bemused. “How?” He smiled that ordinary smile again, bowing his head slightly, “People simply don’t notice it, just as they don’t notice me. It bends their thoughts away, makes their feet take them in another direction. Somewhere that is less boring, where they will be seen and remembered. Somewhere that will cater to their ego and their desires.” “It’s beautiful – breathtaking even – but why is it here?” “To preserve the best of your world.” And as he spoke those words, the mantle of his carefully practised humanity slipped away. The being in front of me had skin as as grey as its previous persona, so matte and uniform that the light didn’t bounce off it quite right. There were too many forelimbs, with too many joints. Where there should have been legs, a mass of red, fungus-like fronds undulated obscenely, churning the leaf-mould. I smelled the ancient and the new, all at once. “There are many worlds like yours,” it warbled, as I stumbled blindly away, through the trees, “too many to count.” A red mouth followed me, massive as a sea-cave and bristling scarlet, coral-like structures, as the thing flowed effortlessly over the forest floor. “Most of them we don’t reach in time. An indigenous species can destroy so much in such a short span of ages. Once consciousness develops, it seems to be only a matter of time.” I vaulted a stream, the water so clear it was almost invisible. Stumbling and scrambling desperately up the opposite bank, my grey skirt was splattered with moss and mud. Those oblivion-grey arms reached for me, their star-shaped fingers filled with tiny red suckers. “And your species is especially bad.” As the alien hands closed around my wrists and ankles, lifting me effortlessly into the air, I whimpered – a pathetic, selfish sound. “I’m not going to kill you,” the nightmarish mouth said. “Then what do you want from me?” “I want to offer you a job.”

The café is quiet, and a man sits across from me in a neat grey suit, not quite fashionable, but not quite out of date. He can’t see me; he doesn’t even register I’m there. He’s too caught up in the feedback loop his cellphone has trapped him in, yearning for little red or orange icons to scratch the constant itch in the reward centre of his brain. As the world shrinks, humanity slowly caged by the growing ecological sanctuaries until only a single city is left, nobody will notice. Like flies caught in an elaborately spun web of alien technology and psychological trickery, insects don’t realise when they’ve been ensnared until it’s far too late. Your selfish egos will remain completely fulfilled, and the walls of the zoo will be invisible. But there are other places that need our services when we are done here – too many, in fact. Most of you won’t even notice the title of this story, caught up in your scrolling and need for self-fulfilment. Fewer still will read it, and of those that do, most will forget about it in a day, or a week. But a handful of people – maybe only one or two, will remember it forever. And to you few; when you feel your eyes slide off something when you’re sitting in a café, paying attention not to yourself, but to the others around you, say something. I’ll be listening.

[jewelridersarchive]

She-ra & Reboot Culture

Why do we love seeing new versions of the same thing? Is it simple nostalgia? Is it the desire to engage with some sort of content that once moved us in a new and different way? Is it new creators wanting to stamp something they loved from their own childhood with their mark? Or is it all of the above?

I’m not immune to loving reboots. I devoured the new DuckTales on Disney XD, I’m reading the new Rainbow Brite comics from Dynamite, I’m watching the new iteration of Will & Grace, and continue to watch My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. Reboots are fun; they not only allow fans who loved something to have a nostalgia party, but also allow potential new fans entry points into what sometimes appears to be never-ending streams of content (I’m looking at you, Transformers). But things seem out of hand when even ReBoot, the mid-90s CGI cartoon, has a reboot on Netflix (ReBoot: The Guardian Code). Have reboots become the “safe,” risk-averse way companies can cash in on portfolio properties that already have known fanbases? It’s the equivalent of an artist only drawing fanart because they know it will get thousands of likes versus hundreds on original content.

And I fully admit some level of fatigue with franchises that just keep chugging along, seemingly forever. Every movie that comes out seems to want to be a tentpole franchise builder. Or a reboot of an existing franchise, or a soft reboot that only takes some elements going forward, or an alternate universe or…well, you get the idea.

I love original content. One of the best shows I watched this year was Alex Hirsch’s Gravity Falls (yes, I know I’m rather late to the game). It was a bright spot of originality, something new and not tied to any other content or previous iteration. Many of the anime I watch and enjoy are either original or straight adaptations of an existing manga. I think original content and ideas are important in entertainment. They allow a generation to experience a piece of entertainment in its prime, and have something uniquely “theirs.” Kids of the 60s had Star Trek, kids of the 70s had Star Wars, kids of 80s will always be the original audience for Jem & the Holograms and He-Man/She-Ra, kids of the 90s will always have X-Men TAS and Sailor Moon. (And PGJR, of course haha). No matter if they are rebooted down the road or not, that original experience belongs to the original viewers.

Which is why it’s always hilarious to me when people who hate on the new version of something say “It’s ruining my childhood!” Your childhood is whatever it was, frozen in time. Those original cartoons obviously still exist, and if you have the desire you can watch most of them. A reboot doesn’t destroy the original, no matter how many changes it makes to the original idea. The best reboots can often give us (as adults) what we thought we were watching as children. And often, the reboot can drive traffic back to seek out the original, as adults want to share with children the version they loved at that age.

Which brings us to She-Ra. I didn’t watch any He-Man or She-Ra as a child, for whatever reason. I found He-Man & the Masters of the Universe through the 2002 anime-influenced incarnation (also a great reboot IMO), then went back and watched the 1983 cartoon, followed by the 1985 She-Ra: Princess of Power. I loved it all. Sure, sometimes it was goofy, and there was lots of animation reuse in the older versions, but the core concepts were really strong. They are classic good vs evil, freedom vs tyranny stories, told with engaging casts and crazy creative worlds.

I powered through all 93 episodes of She-Ra during the summer of 2010 while I studied for my board exams. It holds the special place of being the series I turned to to relieve the stress of studying. I love the 80s fantasy girl designs, the color schemes, the powers, the sheer kookiness of the side characters. She-Ra was the OG American magical girl, and I finally understood what all the fuss over this franchise was about. She-Ra feels iconic in the way that characters like Wonder Woman and Sailor Moon do. Yes, she starts out as a spin-off of the successful He-Man franchise, but he makes very few appearances in She-Ra’s cartoon.

But after her initial run, She-Ra remained a virtually dormant property for the next 30 years. He-Man had two different reboots in 1991 and 2002, but She-Ra was stuck in limbo. Only once the Masters of the Universe Classics collectible figure from Mattel released in 2010 did She-Ra finally see the light of day again. Story-wise, the bios on the back of the toy packages gave us a little info about She-Ra’s further adventures, but it wasn’t until the 2012/2013 Masters of the Universe comic from DC that She-Ra comes back, this time in the guise of the villainous Despara. It’s a dark but interesting take on the characters; an exploration of what being raised by the Evil Horde would really do to a person.

Interestingly, this seems to be the jumping-off point for the new “She-Ra and the Princesses of Power” animated series from Dreamworks and Netflix. This show takes as its central theme the relationship between Adora and Catra. When Adora finds the sword that lets her turn into She-Ra, she leaves the Horde – an organization to which she has devoted her life. Almost more importantly, she leaves behind Catra, her best friend. It’s this broken relationship that informs the emotional tone of the rest of the show.

Unlike the 80s version, this time around the Rebellion knows Adora’s identity as She-Ra. It’s an interesting change – shows of the 80s were obsessed with secret identities, and sometimes it could get ridiculous making up excuses for what happened to the other identity of the character every time. Thankfully, that is avoided here, and instead of angst over whether or not you can let people know the real you, we are treated to relationships that ask whether we can accept someone who we know has wronged us before.

Much has been made over this update’s reworking of the body types and ethnicities of the main princesses. While I confess not loving all the updated designs and missing the 80s fairytale warrior goddesses of the original, I understand and fully support the change. Reboots are about viewing something old through the lens of today, and audiences of today want to see themselves in the media they watch or read. We can’t (and shouldn’t) go back to mostly-white casts. The world is a rainbow of colors, and the show feels richer for including them.

Speaking of rainbows, I have to mention the new show’s decidedly queer bent. The relationship between Adora and Catra is somewhere between ex-best-friends and ex-girlfriends in tone. Netossa and Spinerella, long shipped by the fandom, are finally outed in a true relationship this time around. Other characters like Scorpia, Bow, and Entrapta all tap into queer mannerisms and norms as well. The end result is unlike anything else I’ve ever seen in children’s entertainment, and I couldn’t be happier. I wish I’d had something similar as a child, but I’m grateful today’s queer kids have their own heroes.

When we talk about a successful reboot, what are we looking for? Here’s what I think a good reboot need to accomplish.

Bring the characters and concepts of the original property up to date for current audiences.

Explore the characters or world in new and different ways.

Add depth to the original concept.

She-Ra and the Princesses of Power does all of these in spades. I think it’s the nicest treatment an 80s female-driven property has gotten in a reboot. The show is full of strong characters with interesting dynamics, great writing, and interesting world building. Yes, some of the episodes can be a bit predictable and the designs are not always my favorite, but everything works together toward a greater whole. I won’t spoil the story for you, because seriously if you haven’t watched this, get thee to Netflix and enjoy!

For the Honor of Grayskull!

Chris

P.S. Can you imagine getting a ✨Princess Gwenevere and the Jewel Riders✨ reboot that brought all this to the table? I’d die!

Read the complete blog at The Jewel Riders Archive! http://www.jewelridersarchive.com/posts/she-ra-the-princesses-of-power-and-reboot-culture/

[live4thestars]

Entry #001

From the Sometimes Diary of a Part Time Filmmaker

It’s been a minute, for sure, since I started writing about my own life. I love to constantly surround myself in the worlds of my screen plays, but sometimes I feel like my life isn’t worth much retelling. 

I used to be one of those people who kept a Journal every day. All through High school and some college I was a faithful daily chronicler. But then I ran into some depression and that kind of soured up my drive for the journal. After coming through it, I just haven’t gotten back into the swing of things. 

So, while my computer renders one of my videography projects, I have discovered a lot of thoughts about movies that need to be expressed.

Thus, I have decided to keep a Film Journal here on Tumblr and give my thoughts on new movies that I see. Who knows how often this will happen, but sometimes this girl just needs to get it out of her system. 

Today’s movie of choice: 

Before we start, I just need to warn everyone that I am about to compare the ever loving crap out of this movie and the latest Disney live action version. Spoiler alert: was not impressed with Disney. Sorry if that shows, but I have my reasons. 

La Belle et la Bete, released in 2014, was recently added to Netflix. All I have to say is God Bless Netflix, which gives me access to foreign films that I would otherwise have NO CLUE about. Director Christophe Gans also wrote this adaptation of the beloved fairy tale, and I have to admit he did a STELLAR JOB of it. Below, I’m going to give each category a score out of 10 to help illustrate the quality of this picture.

Cinematography: 9/10

The camera work is phenomenal. After having spent my college years as a lighting technician for a television studio, I’m a bit of a sucker for good dramatic lighting. And this movie delivered in SPADES! They played a lot with the Magic Mirror motif making it more of a window than a reflection. 

Acting: 7/10

Love Lea Seydoux’s sassy and brave Belle, and I felt that the performers of Belle’s family members were delightful, if a bit “Adverb Descriptive word” (especially her brothers). But in a fairytale like this, it’s completely allowed. 

Production Design: 10/10 would see again

STOP READING THIS RIGHT NOW AND JUST WATCH THE TRAILER FOR THIS MOVIE.  It’s flippin’ gorgeous to look at.

Think Baz Lurhman style opulence and add a touch of Disney’s Into the Woods and you’ve got this aesthetic. The amount of detail put into each set piece is exquisite, and I don’t use that word unless it is warranted. 

Costume Design:  10/10 would wear again

I’M DYING OVER HERE! When I get into my Disney beef later, I will be referring to the costumes a wee bit. But look at how stunningly crafted these dresses are? And the Beast’s ensemble is so royal you’re afraid it’ll rain rubies if he brushes up against the wall.

Visual FX: 7/10

Not the greatest CGI animals I’ve ever seen, but definitely not the worst. What shortcomings I noticed were absolutely forgivable when they would cut to the next shots involving their wonderfully decorated sets. The final “battle” at the end didn’t end up as cheesy as I thought it would be considering the amount of CG used.

Orchestral Score: 7/10

Beautifully serene, creepy, and mysterious at the same time. However, I did recognize a few phrases here and there. Not that I could place where I’d heard them before, but some of it was derivative of something. Let me know if you have figured it out. It’s starting to taunt me. 

Why I loved this adaptation

I’m absolute trash for the story of Beauty and the Beast. It’s been my favorite animated movie since before I can remember. I’ve read so many retellings; some of them very well done and most of them steaming piles of crap trying to capitalize on Beauty and the Beast popularity. 

Each time I have experienced a new medium for my beloved fairy tale, I’m excited to see what they will add. What kinds of shading and depth can you give to this tale? 

This film blew my socks off in that regard. They retold the story with characters and plot points that I had never seen used before. I’ve read books in which Belle is an only child, the youngest daughter, but never have I seen her portrayed as part of a large family. It almost seemed that she had “ugly step sisters” (even though neither of the sisters were Ugly nor Step-) who created wonderful foils to her elder brothers. A dysfunctional family, yes, and seemingly real dynamics too. 

They added the dichotomy of Vice and Virtue in order to set up the final problem. Instead of a “Gaston” type villain who wants to keep Belle, or the internal struggle of Belle choosing to leave her family after seeing them again; the struggle comes from the vices of Belle’s family coming back to bite them. 

Ok, now comes the part where I kind of rant. You’ve been warned. 

Here are the top reasons I liked La Belle et la Bete more than Disney’s live action version. 

#3 The story was more thought out and the characters’ actions made sense.

One of the nitpicks I had with Disney’s rendition was the lack of logic in their characters. The Live Action Cinderella provided some context for each characters’ actions and motivations, even the Evil Stepmother who never gets any love. I had hoped with the new one, Disney would take this opportunity to improve upon or even just supply some basic motivation that followed some logic. I am thinking specifically of the character of Belle’s father and his seemingly arbitrary choices. All under the guise of being... forgetful? Spaced out? Belle’s father in La Belle et la Bete was forced into his wrong decisions, unable to find another way. 

#2 They actually did something new instead of rehashing the old.

Like I mentioned before, the way they introduced Belle as the youngest of a large family was refreshing. That she would be happier in a country existence after the luxury of city living was delightful character element that spoke to her intelligence instead of just having her nose in a book all day. Don’t get me wrong, that is one of my favorite aspects about Belle since I am a fellow bookworm. Yet, it was a nice change from the trope since there are many viewers who maybe do not pride their intelligence on their book knowledge. It made her intelligent both emotionally and intellectually. Her little sassy comments in the face of certain danger made me laugh at the brass balls this girl had. While watching Disney’s, I was so VERY disappointed that the story stuck so closely to the animated version (literally lifting 75% of the lines straight from the animated film) that I almost felt bored. Don’t get me wrong, it was still a beauty to look at, thus entertaining, but I felt like Ariel saying, “I want more!!!” 

#1 with a bullet BELLE’S DRESSES.

Ok, not even just the dresses but the costumes in La Belle et la Bete had so much detail, care, and passion pumped into them. The first dresses we see Belle’s sisters, Anne and Clotilde, wearing are high fop fashion. Through the whole movie I was amazed by the sleeves. THE SLEEVES, PEOPLE! Who is fascinated by sleeves when there are so many other things to soak in? This girl right here. My issue with Disney’s version was that the costumes were fabulous... to a point. I’m a stickler for costume design rules: if you have an aesthetic you need to stick to it, otherwise they just don’t make sense. Disney suffered from a little costume schizophrenia. For example, the beginning scene had me FLABBERGASTED to see all those women and men in period French Rococo style. Even the Prince’s face painting was on point with some of those crazy masquerade parties you know the French aristocracy put on. Then we see Belle’s first costume and it’s a wonderful country bumpkin ensemble with plenty of color to call back to the animated movie. So far so good, Gaston and Lefou are looking great with their military style waistcoat and jacket outfits. I had a little trouble at first with the Beast’s costume because is was CGI and it’s really hard to animate fabric moving against a body in a seamless way. I was able to forgive that after a while though, I suppose I got used to it and moved on. BUT THEN WHAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE COSTUME TO END ALL COSTUMES CAME ON SCREEN AND BEGAN TO ANNOY THE EVERY LOVING CRAP OUT OF ME! Belle’s “Pat of Butter” yellow Prom dress. There’s the Beast wearing a lovely blue waistcoat and brocade jacket complete with knee length knickers and buckled shoes. And Belle showed up in a prom dress from my high school dance. They threw “period” out the window and picked an atrocious color that was way too bright and washed out the Beast’s costume. It makes me VERY ANGRY when there is a period film and the costumes don’t stick to their aesthetic. 

But in La Belle et la Bete, when they pick an aesthetic they stick to it like shine on silk. While not necessarily “period” correct, they used many elements of court dress and embellished accordingly to match the rest of the film’s components. It just MADE SENSE. 

Alright, I say all that to say: Go watch this film, it is a delight for the eyes and imagination. You won’t regret the time spent in this beautiful fairy tale world. 

That’s all for now!