#But the happy feeling of being exited about something is addicting

[midnanoire]

I wanna play the new dragon age so fucking bad. Someone knock me out and wake me up once it's out.

[sterredem]

Descendants

F1 grid x driver!rookie!reader

Face claim Pinterest girls

Warning Mention if addict (max with RedBull), Not proofread, spelling mistakes, long

Summary the new rookie on the grid is obsessed with descendants and makes it everyone’s problem

A/N bsf/n = best friends name (for anyone that didn’t know)

I like it! I hope y’all also do. It’s pretty long and I made it over here course of a few weeks so there can be parts where it doesn’t fit so if you notice that please say it so I can fix it! I have also had my descendants obsession come back with the new movie. (Still deciding if I like it or not)

Please repost and comments it helps a lot! Feadback is also appropriated!❤️🫶

Instagram

Liked by LewisHamilton and 2.735.567 others

f1 BREAKING: Y/n y/l/n will make the step in 2025, signing a multi-deal with Red Bull! ✍️

View all 8.276 comments

User1 YES!! 💜💙

User2 OMG? Already up to red bull? I would suspect that she would go to rb first!

User3 There are going to be a LOT of GenZ on the grid! It’s gonna be chaos!

User4 wait till everyone finds out how crazy and a PR nightmare she is 💜💙

User5 LETS GOOOO

User6 power duo with her and max

User7 Women in F1 again??

User8 YESS!! 💜💙 I have loved her ever since F3!

User9 Why do so people use the blue and purple heart?

User8 its an inside joke with her and the fans. It’s better if you get to know it through something else (I’m not trying to gatekeep its also just really hard to explain)

User9 alright. I’ll look it up.

User10 not really surprised

User11 she’s so pretty

User12 why do they say multi-year and not the year?! ITS SO ANNOYING!!

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Instagram

Liked by RedBullRacing and 926.752 others

Y/n_Racing Ready for 2025 with red bull. Already binge drink wing this drink. Happy to drive the bull for a few year (hopefully a long time)💪

View all 9.968 comments

RedBullRacing Happy to have you on our team next year💪

MaxVerstappen1 2 history makes in the same team… this is gonna be fun. Happy to have you as a team mate

Prema_Team Sad to let you go, but happy to see you in f1. Great job Y/n💪

User1 HISTORY MAKER!!

User2 Why is this such a dry caption? From what I’ve heard she is a PR problem but this doesn’t seem like it

User3 she is… she has a second account that is managed by herself and that is the chaotic and problematic one. PR has tried to take it away but she always finds a way to get it back. So they’ve given up. I think I’m a few minutes she is gonna post on their and cause a problem of post a chaotic post

User4 FINNALY A WOMEN AGAIN!!

User5 she will be the inspiration to Kay many jong girls

User6 Already looking forwards to the next season!

User7 wait… so where is Carlos going?

User8 her and Ollie being on the grid together is just so funny to me. They are going to cause havoc

User9 I already love her and I’ve only seen a PR made post

User10 💜💙

User11 wait till everyone sees her descendants obsession. They won’t think the same about her

User12 she is so pretty

User13 she looks so nice😊

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Instagram

Liked by bsfuser and 745.578 others

Y/n_Real Just vid announced as a RedBull driver… I think I need to change the aesthetic to red…… good this the new descendants movie will be with a lot of blue (and Evie will be our saviour!)!! Als the 5th picture is how it feeling rn.

View all 14.852 comments

Bsfuser AAAHHHH IM SO HAPPY!!!!

Y/n_Real YESSSSS

Bfsuser Also the rise of red and Evie our saviour 🙏🙏

Y/n_Real REAL!!🙏🙏

User1 AAAHHH!!! IM SO PROUD

Y/n_Real THANK YOU!!💋💋

User2 OMG I FOUND THE SECOND ACCOUNT!! And user3 was right!

User3 Always eats with her posts

User4 The mal picture is so real

User5 I love how she interacts with her fans in this account

User6 wait why rise of red? Isn’t that Ferrari?

Y/n_Real yes. But CINDERELLA AND HER DAUGHTER! (Sorry for being passive aggressive I am just SO EXITED ABOUT EVERYTHING (but they are both blue so yaya red bull!))

User7 I love her and bsf/n’ relationship!

User8 do you know how they became friends? I’ve seen a lot about them but I’m just wondering

User7 yes I know! They became friends at a comic con event for the 3rd descendents movie where they sat next to each other so they began talking and became friends

User8 That so funny! How do y’all know all this?

User7 sometimes Y/n or bsf/n go live and just talks a lot

User9 The make up looks so good!!

User10 you are so pretty

User11 Post 941 of Y/n putting mal in her post (don’t break this streak sweetie)

Y/n_Real OMG YOUR STILL HERE!! I love you!!

User11 ILY TOO

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Instagram

Liked by Kyliecantrall and 626.735 others

Y/n_Real SO PROUD OF YOU KYLIE!!! All that aside… I am soooo proud of you Kyliecantrall and I’m very happy that you have made it this far!

For anyone that’s nee here: this is my VERY talented friend Kylie, and she has made it into a Descendant movie!! I have had the honours to go to the premiere and to have known this lovely lady for quite some time!

Love you Kylie and you did an AMAZING job playing Red!!

(Also 5th picture is how I felt at the premiere)

View all 9.925 comments

Kyliecantrall I LOVE YOUUUU!!!💋❤️💕

Y/n_Real ILYYY 22222!!!! 💋💕❤️

Bsfuser I LOVE U KYLIEE!!!

Kyliecantrall I LOVE YOUT TWOOOO!!!😘😘

User1 I love her friendship with bsf/n and Kylie

User2 OMG SHE WAS AT A DESCENDANT PREMIERE!!!

User3 I WAS SO EXITED WHEN U SAW HER!!

User4 real ones know who Kylie is and her friendship with Y/n and bsf/n

User5 Now the male picture again😂

User6 I’m still so confused at this

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Instagram

Liked by Bsfuser and 767.725 others

Y/n_Real New team, new me (Also this wasn’t my plan Bsf/n dragged me into this)

View all 8.726 comments

Bsfuser Don’t say I dragged you into this. It was YOUR plan

Y/n_Real STOP SPREADING LIES!!

User7 It looks so good!

User8 Why does this seem so random?

User9 My new fav brunette and black haired duo

User10 I love you both!!

User11 you both give me dark academia vibes and I’m LOVING it!

User12 So cute!

User13 and there we go with mal… again (not complaining)

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Instagram

Liked by Bsfuser and 925.725 others

Y/n_Racing Life as a newly brunette and attending an f1 race as an announced driver for the first time

View all 9.926 comments

Redbullracing Happy to have you and glad we can see more of you next year😊

Maxverstappen1 It was nice seeing you again!

Alex_albon I see you have already taken after my hair dyeing. Welcome me the grid Y/n

Bsfuser Rude that you didn’t invite me🙄

User1 Brown hair looks good on you

User2 she is really living the dream life: going to premiers and f1 races and also going to drive in f1 and being besties with descendants cast members

User3 just wait until she meets dove Cameron or Sophia Carson, she WILL freak out

Y/n_Racing DONT EXPOSE ME!

User4 my favourite celebrity

User5 So happy to see you on the grid next year!

User6 just wait until the grid sees her descendant obsession.

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Time skip to 6 races in the season

Twitter

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Instagram

Liked by DoveCameron and 1.564.254 others

Y/n_Real A real dream come true! Me and @bsfuser met the people that started our friendship!!! It was an absolute dream meeting @DoveCameron and @SophiaCarson !

(We also got some great advise… you will see it soon)

View all 123.625 comments

DoveCameron I also had a great time meeting you! Liked by author

SophiaCarson It was lovely meeting you and bsf/n (I also hope you can do something with what I said) liked by author

Bsfuser THIS STILL FEELS LIEK A DREAM!!

Y/n_Real FOR REAL

OscarPiastri Weirdo. I noticed you where obsessed with descendants with the music that always comes from your drivers room but this…

Y/n_Real Says the one that is doing a movie marothon from descendants with his girlfriend

User7 AHHHH THEY MET!!!!

User8 What did they tell you?!

Y/n_Real It’s a secret 🤫🤫🤫

User9 Not this being one of the only posts with over a million likes😭😂

User10 I love how the drives are already aware and done with her descendants obsession

User11 I AM SO JEALOUS!!

User12 I love that for y’all!! (Totally not jealous and not sarcastic)

User13 Them also commenting🫠🫠 so cuteee!!!

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Liked by Descendants and 1.725.267 others

Y/n_Real Dove, Sophia, Bsfuser, Alex, Kylie and a lot of the drivers + descendants movie cast said I should do it… so I did. New hair era!!!

View all 267.275 comments

DoveCameron It looks so good!!

Y/b_Real Thank you!

SophiaCarson I said it would be a good idea!

Y/n_Real And you were right!

Bsfuser Should I go blue?

Y/n_Real YES!!

Alex_albon Already going for my bit I see

Y/n_Real you’ve never done purple soo…

OscarPiastri This is really beginning to become a problem

Landonorris True

Zhouguanyu24 True

Hulkhulkenberg I also see it

Logansargeant I also do

Yukitsunoda0511 Same with me

Valtteribottas I fear I also see it

Kevinmagnussen I also see this becoming a problem

PierreGasly I also do… and why purple? There are a lot of different… better colours

Lancestroll I have to admit I also see this as a problem…

DanielRiccardo Why doe it kinda look good??

EstebanOcan It doesn’t…

Fernandoalo_Oficial It does, shut up Estie

Carlossainz55 Yeah shut up Esteban

LewisHamilton It looks really good Y/n!

Y/n_Real Thank you Lewis!

LewisHamilton Also I also think Descendants is a great movie series

Y/n_Real YESSS!!

Maxverstappen1 Obsessed

Y/n_Real Says the RedBull addict

Charles_Leclerc should I now also whatch it? I want to but I think I’ve already heard to many spoilers from you

Y/n_Real watch it.

User1 All the drivers in the comments😭😂

User2 I think the grid noticed her obsession

User3 They FINNALY caught up!

User4 The hair looks amazing!

User5 everyone here talking about the hair but has anyone seen the make up?? IT LOOKS AMAZING!!

User6 Y/n had really made it now

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[0phantom0]

If only... E.W

pairings~ suicidalellie ×reader

warnings~ self harm, suicide, bipolar disorder, addiction. ( I have experience with all of these things so I'm not writing off stereotypes.)

summary~ after meeting ellie your life seems to have turned completely upside down in the best way possible, everything is going great until ellie has a sudden change of mood.

my breath lingered in the air, causing condensation to cover my cold phone. I was wordlessly staring at Ellie's contact. She had still not opened my message after three days of it being sent. I didnt even care about her replying anymore, I just needed a sign to say she was okay. Anything. whether it being a notification that she had read my message, or even the app saying that she was online. I waited. I waited more. Nothing, nothing at all. I started to feel a deep sorrow filling my lungs, like a dark murky water infested with everything i feared. it felt like it was flooding my entire body, that i was nothing but a hole of pain and helplessness.

When i first met Ellie, she was like a light in my foggy life, like a new path of happiness, something I had been searching for my entire life. She would always be there, right by my side with that gorgeous smile on her face, ready to crack one of her stupid dad jokes to hear the sound of my laugh echo through her ears. But for the past few weeks, I began to feel less of Ellie's presence. Almost as if that light guiding the path was flickering, dimming, losing its spark.

She had told me about her past. How she had problems communicating when things were getting bag again, having trouble explaining why she did what she did. Of course there was always a scientific explaination to Ellies pain, but she said that it didnt really explain in detail how she felt, the words on the screen didn't strike her with relisation and emotion. They were just letters.

my phone had turned off now, leaving me alone in the dark cold room of my house. the only thing warm about anything was the tears running out of my eyes and down my neck, creating an uncomfortable feeling of them dampening my shirt. My breathing quickend, feeling as though my lungs could not fill enough with all the air I had to suck in. Gripping my shirt, I stood up, shaking slightly from the sudden pace of movement. All the the thoughts flooding to my head, to many to keep up with, my brain speeding through visions of the mabye futre, and past. I was putting myself in horrific scenearios. And then it hit me. The ding of my phone, the slight, normally quiet sound was now like an ominous siren, screaming, daring me to pick up the phone. my shaking hand slowly edged towards the edge of my bed, I cautiously handled the device, almost as if in one wrong move it would shatter.

' one new notification from 'Ells<3''

my heart plummeted back into place a small smile that didnt quite reach my eyes found its way back onto my face. My fingers,shuddering slightly from the sudden adrenaline, move quickly across the screen trying to type in my password. Once I did I was exitedly clicking onto her contact, only for my exitment to be short lived and immediately replaced with worry and disatisfacation, for the uncanny message I got was:

' Ells<3 deleted a message'

I study the new words on my screen, waiting to discover something upon the message. My brain replied with a short message of

'?, you okay Ellie?'

she was quick to reply, supposing that she had been waiting there on the othere line for my answer.

' mhm. just love you'

usually I would have been quite flustered with the small message but in this instance it had a deeper, dispondent meaning. I was worrid. Terrifed even, then it hit me. Everything hit me. The way she had started to wear longer sleeves instead of her beloved band t-shirts, the unusual case of her sharpeners missing the blade, how she had been disancing herself with me. everything registers in my head, all the missing peices to these scatterd visuals.

panic took over my body as my vision clouded slightly, my heart felt heavy as my brain did not. withought registering what I was doing my legs were already on the move. clumsily walking towards my front door and grabbing my car keys. I left my door open, there was no time to shut it for what might come. My hands harshly squeezing the sharp edge of the keys, leaving a small irritated mark on my palm as I pressed random buttoms on the device, trying to unlock my car door.

minutes passed. I was driving as fast as I possibly could without death, but yet it did not seem fast enough. The pace of my breathing rapid as I tried to recall the route to Ellie's house. my face was still but slightly paniced as tears poured out of my eyes and into my open mouth. My heart felt small yet big at the same time, like it was being streatched and sprawled to withstand all the pain and dispair it was recieiving.

as I pulled up to Ellie's house, I instantly opend my car door and flung myself out with a newfound urgency, not bothering to get into a safer parking space instead of in the centre of the road. I was sobbing, almost screaming hystericlly now trying to search for Ellie's spare key she always left under the door matt. A vision clouded my memory of Ellie and I standing drunkenly at the front porch of her home, we were laughing as she scurried to show me her 'awesome' hiding space for her dinosour shaped key she got custom designed for herself. Mabye if my past self saw myself now, trying to break down the door because I couldnt remember where she kept that stupid fucking key, I might of avoided the relationship entirely, or made it her life mission to do anything she could to stop Ellie from having another episode.

I snapped back into reality as the door swung open, my right shoulder now cut and bleeding from the repetitive impact onto the door, I rush across her kitchen and up the stairs, screaming Ellies name, the words now sounding forgein on my tounge, I could feel the desperation of my voice. The vibrations of the sounds itching and clawing at my throat, all while I grasped at the railings of the staircase, hauling myself upstairs.

I turned every corner I could, trying to be as silet as I could as I heard my weeping echo through the hauls. I heard a quiet buzz from the bathroom light across the hall, the yellow hues and tones illuminating the dark and eerie walls. I vigilantly tread through to the bathroom as I peaked my head throught the door.

at first I saw nothing, then the small strands of auburn hair floating from the bathtub caught my attention.

My breath hitched as I called out her name.

No repsonse. But I still heard a wavering and asthamtic breath.

I rushed towards her side, yanking the shower curtain off the rod in the process, I was met with the sight that would always be in the back of my mind, waiting to pounce as soon as I kept my gaurd down, that would keep me up at night screaming till my lungs bled and clawing at my skin.

Ellie layed there, bleeding out into the drain of the bath tub, with a pale face and cold skin, deep cuts carved into her arms with a bottle of ketamine empty, laying there, mocking me by her side.

I shrieked louder for anyone to hear, I was no longer breathing instead bawling and seize my phone from behind me, calling 911.

as I press the call button my my phone with my shaking hands, still sobbing hystericaly as my clothes were now soaked with the salty liquid I felt her cold hand touch mine.

' Hello 911 whats your emerancy?' I heard the dispatchers fuzzy voice from my phone as I dropped it to the floor, my entire attention on the fact Ellies hand was rubbing against mine. I was silent, too shocked an hurt to say anything at all.

'its okay baby' she whisperd and splutterd, she tried to reach her hand to caress my face one last time before I saw death take over her eyes and her hand drop with a thud against the bathtub.

I yelled and screamed and cried, trying to get anyone to bring her back to me, trying to convince myself that she was messing with me, thats she was okay really and not like the sight I had unfolded infront of me.

'sweetheart is everything okay? Police and Ambulence are on their way'

I didn't respond grasping at everything I could to steady myself as my hysterics rocked my body, smearing tearss and blood, everything I could pick up was thrown, smashed glass and everything everywhere, my head felt unsteady as I smacked it off the sink and everything went dark.

to this day I still wonder if I wasn't enought to make her stay, If I wasn't enough to fill the hole in her heart, she filled mine, but why couldn't I do the same.

if only life hadn't planned out this way, she might be here in my arms, blabbering on about her space facts she loved so dearly.

if only.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A/N: Hi guys! sorry i just dumped all that on you. I sobbed while making this but at the same time it was so relaxing.

tags: @twoshadesblonder @bready101

[effy-writes]

Addict (Blitz x Reader)

(the link above shows the chapters)

4: Murder Family: Twisted

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Months went by but you keep getting lost of track of time. No reasons as to why, but you think its the constant routine you have to do. Wake up, clean, Blitz drug testing you, (fake piss), sleep. You do it over and over again. Kind of feels like rehab.

You’ve been cleaning so hard just about everyday that there was nothing to do. So, you sat down next to Millie who was making her husband shoot a portrait of a family (and which he kept refusing to do).

"Moxxie just shoot," You impatiently said.

"You don't even know how!"

"It's not that I don't know how, it's just that I don't want to."

"Why?"

"I actually haven't figured out why."

"Guys! I want you to meet-" Blitz got interrupted by Moxxie who got startled and shot the arrow. It ricochets off of the walls and hits the eel tank before Blitz finally caught it.

"..our newest client!"

The eel tank started to shake before it fell down, creating a comically large fire.

"Dammit Moxxie! Y/n begged me for weeks to get those eels!"

~~~

Everyone was exiting the building, but you stayed couple of seconds longer inside to quickly snort the remaining adderall. Nobody realized that you were gone until they heard you panting due to you running (and your already fucked up lungs and heart).

"Now someone PLEASE tell me that book is intact!" Blitz yelled.

"You mean our only ticket to the other side? Yeah got it." Loona held up the book.

You stood close to M&M and Blitz to make sure that they are all gone so you can make another drug run. You could worry about Loona but you know that Loona probably doesn't pay attention.

"Now let's go lick some ass!"

"The expression is 'kick some ass'" Millie corrected.

"Mines better." Blitz and Millie walked through. As Moxxie was walking to the portal he tripped and accidentally pushed you in.

"Wait wait shit!" The portal closed up. "Moxxie!"

"Oh crumbs I'm so sorry!"

"I don't even know how to do this shit!" You whispered-yelled.

"I mean it's a great way to start! Just watch us shoot and kill." Blitz said proudly. "Moxxie, do you want to give this one a try?"

"Me?"

"Yeah it's simple enough for you to handle. It's just a happy mother who just got out of the hospital."

Moxxie hesitated.

"You snooze, you lose, Mox!" Blitz looked through the window, "Aaaand I've got ya, bitch."

"Wait... Are we actually killing a family?"

"Do you guys bicker at each other everytime you're out on a kill?" You whispered.

"Yeah they do." Millie answered, "You should seriously start doing these things with us!"

"Uh no." You said abruptly, turning your head and saw that the two were still bickering until Moxxie hit Blitz's rifle as he shot the trigger. The bullet fires and hits a glass mirror that's inside.

"Oh shit." You mumbled.

"What the fuck was that, Moxxie?!"

"I'm sorry sir, they seemed so happy and wholesome!" He wheezed.

Blitz argued back right as a bullet pierced his arm. "AHH a new hole! SCATTER!"

Moxxie hid behind the bushes, the other three ran in different directions.

You don't do danger. Sure, lived in shady places, but as long as you don't take other people's drugs, you're good. But this is something completely different for you. This is why I don't want to fucking come to these things.

You ran through the woods, occasionally tripping because of the rocks and wood. Your foot twisted and ended up falling down a hill screaming and finally landing with a grunt.

"Y/n!" Millie smiled.

You lift your head up and saw Blitz and Millie tied to a stump that was on fire. A blonde lady caught your eye.

"Oh well look who we have here! Another one!" She grinned.

You gulped as you tried to get up but with your foot being twisted you fell right back down.

"Aw you got hurt? Don't worry I'll take the pain away." She brought up her shot gun and aimed it at you.

You flinched as soon as you heard the gunshot, but when you looked up Moxxie was standing over the woman's body.

"Moxxie!" Millie shouted. Her husband untied Blitz and Millie before reaching over to you to help you up.

"You're not gettin' your goddamn paycheck for this one, Mox!" Blitz yelled, walking over to the other side of you.

"How did you get hurt on your first day?" He joked.

"Fuck you. I didn't even want to be here in the first place."

~~

"Ahhh, did you see my little Mox-Mox!" Millie hugged him, nuzzling her head against his chest.

"Well, here's to another mission accomplished! And Moxxie finally learned not to fuck up."

You hopped to a chair that was beside of Blitz, taking off your shoe and saw that it was swollen and bruised.

"And cheers to Y/n for getting hurt on the first day!" Blitz raised a glass.

"Wasn't my choice!"

~~~

"Is your ankle okay?" Blitz had your arm around him.

"Not really, hurts like shit."

You hopped to the couch and propped your foot up with a pillow. "Do you have any pain killers? Please?"

Blitz frowned, "Y/n I really don't think-"

"I was addicted to stimulants, not opioids."

"I don't want you to get hooked on those either."

"Please?"

"I can't..I'm sorry." He laid down beside of you. "Also this might be a bad time to mention but Stolas called."

"Okay? And?"

"He said something and I may or may not agree to it."

You furrowed your eyebrows.

"He said every full moon we have to fuck."

"We as in...you two?"

"We as in me, you, and him."

Your jaw dropped, "What the fuck Blitz! How come you didn't talk to me about it?"

"I was being hunted by that crazy bitch!"

You ran your fingers through your hair, "Why does he want me in the deal?"

He shrugged, "I guess he gets off doing threesomes."

"And you're okay with that?"

"I don't want to fuck a bird once a month but we need it for my business sooo."

"Okay...well..are you okay with me joining in?"

"The more the better."

But that didn't answer your question. You just laid down and turned your head away from Blitz.

[chronicbeans]

Hi! Since I saw the illustrator wally series I've been exited to request this, it was also sad to see how nobody has yet come with this idea or at least I haven't seen anyone else bring this up so here I come!

It will be interesting how It would work a relationship between Human wally and reader who has maladaptive daydreaming along with autism, I thought of how would it be to meet someone who has to experience something familiar with you. ( since maladaptive daydreaming can be described as a variant of schizophrenia with some small differences ) anyways, I'm a desperate for representation-

ET TU, BRUTE? Omg I maladaptive daydream too (if I am reading it right and you mean to say that you do IT-). My therapist says that I am like, addicted to it lol. My family counselor also likened my case more towards depersonalization/dissociation/a variant of DID due to me only daydreaming myself as other people. This is actually the first time I have heard of it being described as a variant of schizophrenia, but it actually makes a lot of sense, now that I think about it! I need more representation too, so let's do this! I'll try to make it as broad as possible, because everyone daydreams about different things!

Illustrator Wally with an Autistic Reader who Maladaptive Daydreams:

TW: Mentions of Hallucinations, Maladaptive Daydreaming

🖍️ He is a bit confused when he sees you pacing around your living room. He is visiting, and decided to try to surprise you by sneaking up behind you and giving you a gift! Now, though, he is a bit enamored by how you are prancing around, muttering little things to yourself as you seem so carefree and happy in your little world. This is the first time he has seen you like this.

🖍️ You finally end up turning around, in his direction, and your face grows a bit pale from shock and embarrassment. "Uh... Hello... I'm so glad you came to visit!" You try to play it off, but he is too intrigued. Maybe you are like him, and hallucinate, too?

🖍️ You explain what you were doing. You daydream... WAY more often than other people! Intense worldbuilding, character arcs, and more all take place in your head the majority of the day. You like to prance or pace, finding it helpful to feel more comfortable. You also tend to stim in other ways if you cannot pace or prance. The odd facial expressions and mutterings were just you getting in character and reacting to what was happening in your daydreams.

🖍️ Wally is intrigued. It is so... similar, but different, from him. Both you and him are autistic, yes. He's known that for a while, since you told him around the second or third meeting between you two. THIS, though, is so amazing to him. He wants to know more about the stories in your head!

🖍️What do they consist of? Are they horror? Romance? Action? Comedy? He wishes to know. Are you in them? Do you play someone else? Is it from a third person perspective, watching over your creations? If it is something child friendly, maybe you can write a book and he can illustrate it!

🖍️ Even if it is something more... dark, disturbing, overall NOT a kid friendly topic... he would still want to draw it! Maybe he can start to expand his illustrations into more adult books. He is shockingly good at drawing horror, you know. Some of his vent art is a really disturbing treat to view.

🖍️ You might get onto the topic of how both of your conditions are similar and different. You have a lot of characters floating around in your head. Different worlds, stories, everything! Wally does have, in a way, characters, too! The little voices in his head count, right? Sometimes the same one will pop up every now and again. Both of your conditions seem, in a way, uncontrolled. Due to Wally preferring to not use medications, he simply lives with the voices and hallucinations, going to therapy to help him cope and learn to live with it. You just go with the flow, in a way. As far as you've heard, the best and only way to help deal with it is therapy. No real medication or anything.

🖍️ You both are finally happy to find someone similar to yourselves. The best part is that it is similar enough to be familiar, but different enough to have such interesting conversations!

[waitmyturtles]

I feel like I haven’t given Utsukushii Kare/My Beautiful Man season 2 the kind of love and attention that it either deserves, or that I expected to give to it, simply because my brain is all in Thailand with Moonlight Chicken at the moment.

But that being said, I could NOT have asked for a better finale to this short and sweet season that will precede the release of My Beautiful Man: Eternal in April (which -- if my calculations are correct from last year’s theater-to-DVD release of Cherry Magic -- we’ll be able to see in November 2023). With that, thoughts on Utsukushii Kare/My Beautiful Man season 2, episode 4: 

You know how I’d frame Kiyoi’s perspective and demands on Hira? ACCOUNTABILITY. Kiyoi is holding Hira fucking ACCOUNTABLE, and I’m here for every single second of it.

I think Kiyoi was doing something incredibly mature throughout this episode. You know how Kiyoi says things like “gross” or “disgusting” if Hira says something that we, as the audience, think is sweet?

I think Kiyoi’s judgement on this is that he has a deeper read on Hira. Hira self-deprecates to SUCH A FAULT that it affects his personal life AND his professional life. (My god, he even tried to exit the conversation with Noguchi, the photographer!).

Hira RUNS AWAY. He’s a runner. I LOVE what Noguchi says about Hira’s work during their meeting: Noguchi says that Hira’s work is full of “great selfishness and a sense of stupidity.” Noguchi, you could not have nailed this better, and I think Kiyoi also gets at that with the “gross” and “disgusting” comments.

I wrote in my review of the first season of UK that Hira is just as much of a narcissist as Kiyoi. And I think, by way of Hira’s narcissism and addiction to self-deprecation and self-psychological-flagellation, that all of those qualities -- those behavioral CHECKBOXES that Hira THINKS he needs to mark -- render him unable to see exactly what’s happening in front of his eyes. He can’t see that Kiyoi is ready to meet at the same level, to have a leveled and equal relationship. Instead, Hira is kind of ADDICTED to the RELIEF of the self-deprecation. AND...

... my read on this is that I think that that self-deprecation, that pulling away from equal communication and perspective, could allow Hira to BE OKAY with NOT being in a relationship with Kiyoi IF it failed. He even says as much at the start of the episode. I think what he says at the very beginning of the episode is: what else could I have possibly expected, but for the relationship to fail?

To me: isn’t that a cop-out?

Whereas Kiyoi is like: no way, motherfucker. You’re not getting out of this so easily. And I’m going to hold you ACCOUNTABLE.

Kiyoi is looking for equality and equity in the relationship. He wants TO BE ABLE TO LOVE HIRA like the way Hira sucks up all the air in the relationship to be so slavishly devoted to Kiyoi. Kiyoi, when he comes out to Anna-san, says that he and Hira bicker a lot. But he’s happy to SO EASILY come out and talk about his boyfriend, and talk about living with his boyfriend.

Kiyoi wants to be out, and happy, with a boyfriend who loves him. Is that too much to ask?

Hira was making it too much to ask, with all of the deprecating hype he was adding to the relationship. And Kiyoi is like, I’m just not going to take it anymore, AND I’m going to communicate to you in a way that you can understand, AND I’m going to push you to be successful in your career, BECAUSE I know that will help with your self-esteem. You’re great, Hira -- you just need to prove it to yourself... and I’m going to be the boyfriend that helps you see that.

WHAT. AN. AWESOME. SEASON. I could NOT have asked for a better, sweeter growth story than this! And then there’s the movie, omg, where is it going to go? Hira becoming an ADULT! Kiyoi becoming more successful! I love these two. Hagiwara Riku and Yagi Yusei have reeeeediculous chemistry, and I really, really recommend following them and the UtsuKare accounts on IG, because their cute videos are too much (and @lollipopsub is subbing a lot of BTS videos, too!). 

I love this series -- that’s it, I love this series, it’s a perfect series, and we’re so lucky that we get more in the future!

[raccoonfallsharder]

🎂🎊🎉HAPPY BIRTHDAY 🎉🎊🎂

Just wanted to say how much I appreciate you and your writings and wanted to gush about you for a bit (and sorry if this is late)!!! I can’t even say how exited I get everytime you post something!!! There’s something so authentic about your characterizations I don’t know if that sounds right but just the way you write Rocket just feels true to canon and makes your writing so addicting. I can tell you really put a lot of thought into your writing and characters and it really does show when reading through your stories.

I always feel magnetized when I’m reading anything you write, its always so fun to see how you paint what’s going on in these characters heads and how they react to what’s going on around them 😭 Your plots always hit so good too I don’t know if you put crack in your writing but I am sat for all of it. There’s so many of your writings that live rent free in my head all the time and that I think about all the time. I go back sometimes to read some of your past works and it just never gets old to read again and again.

But I just wanted to say thanks for writing and posting, I know all of these stories could be kept private but I always appreciate you posting for the fandom and how much you write for Rocket. I adore your stories and I’m so happy you take the time to write them out and share them with us, so thank you and I hope you have (or had) the bestest birthday possible!!! :D

❤️🎂❤️

this literally had me tearing up. i am the most annoyingly longwinded person i know but i genuinely don’t know what to say. at a complete loss

truly - being part of this community has meant so much to me. the people in it are so welcoming and warm and genuinely caring (i suspect it’s part of the reason we’re all drawn to rocket), and also so creative and amazing. i need to update my recommended works page but there are so many wonderful creators out there who share their talents with us and create such loving portrayals of this guy (which is important to me). i think even if we don’t see ourselves as rocket, most of us see something of ourselves in him, and i feel strongly that when we create space for him to grieve, rage, hurt, heal, love, and be loved, we offer the same to ourselves and each other

and the world galaxy needs more of that

which is to say thank you. i am honored to be part of this community and to be able to share what i make with you, and i’m so grateful that you’ve found something to love in it. ♡♡♡

excuse me now i’m gonna go cry happy-tears into my tea

[pahichannel]

AnimeExpo Recap Day 3-4!

AnimeExpo is over and it’s good to be back home! Although day 3 and 4 definitely much slower compared to the running around I did the first two days. I went to bed day 2 wondering what else I could possibly do. I feel like I saw what I wanted to and bought what I wanted to, and really made the most of my time. Somehow, I found a way anyways.

I realized I didn't do Yokura's Honkai Star Rail trash rally! 12 artists had a free sticker to give out on a card (on the bottom right) and once you got 6 you can come back for a free clear fil- erm, 5* light cone! It was really fun to run around artist alley with some purpose and seeing all the other artists with Honkai merch! I got a sticker of her OC Mofuko and slapped it on my water bottle and ended up picking up some prints from Belindraws during the rally! The Black Rock Shooter really sucked me in. (╯✧ ∇ ✧)╯

Funny story about the water bottle, I actually applied the sticker at Yokura's table but lost the bottle sometime at the beginning of Day 3. Near the end of Day 4 I coasted back at her table and there it still was, in a corner very out of the way and hidden but just sitting on her table... oops. She didn't notice either but I still feel like a menace. I'm honestly very surprised it didn't get swiped!

McDonalds had a booth there and I was very confused! So confused in fact that I just got in line for the hell of it to find out! It seemed the primary purpose was for cosplay photoshoots, having a mock drive through window, birthday table and ordering counter all to pose behind with staff helping with photos. You're given a poster and a pin for your time upon exiting. Seeing a Zero Two and Luffy posing behind a birthday table filled with McDonalds jargon was an experience. It also wasn't until the very end of the last day that I notiecd a giant Grimace behind the entire stand... oh no. ＼(º □ º l|l)/

Day 3 was also the only day I went out and ate real food! Most of my meals were Doordash sandwiches, Chipotle and the like but a handful of friends got together for some JBBQ! There's a nice little place not too far from AnimeExpo called Gyu-Kaku that has gluten free sauces and seem pretty good with not killing me (I have celiac) so it's sort of becoming a tradition to eat here at least once when in the Downtown LA area.

Let me tell you something about myself; I love figurines. It's a trap I constantly struggle with NOT falling into. There are so many cool anime figures but it's such a financial trap when I'm already losing to my game collecting and skeb addiction. Yet somehow, I'm slowly slipping farther into getting nendoroids and model kits. Model kits are so hands on so it's like an activity and nendoroids are so flippin' cute and both of them are WAY cheaper than most figures. SO WHEN I SEE AN ADVERTISING SCREEN WITH THIS MIKU FACE ON IT,

I caved. I even did a good job staying away from the Good Smile booth knowing I'd get suckered in day 1 and 2 but this was mostly helped by the fact that it had a large line. Day 3 there was no line to be found. BUT LOOK AT HOW CUTE SHE IS. The prices were also completely fair too. I rarely buy these sorts of things from cons because the prices get jacked up and they're cheaper online, but this was a non-issue buying it directly from Good Smiles booth. I love them.

And those are the main things that come to mind that I can accompany with pictures! There are other stories I'm excited to share on stream today that don't have photos. Needless to say, it was really fun and I'm looking forward to a AX 2024! But for now, I'm just happy to be home. It's been a very busy last month and AnimeExpo marked the end of being so busy. So really, I just can't wait to focus on streaming and personal projects.

I did actually spend a 5th day in LA and went into Little Tokyo! While it was brief, I did spend way too much on Japanese chips and snacks! I have this cute idea where I set up a handcam on the side and open every stream with a new snack sampling and review. I'll see about showing off all the different snacks I got next post! (ง'̀-'́)ง

[blessed1neha]

Karmic Relationship

Does it seem like your relationship has big highs and lows? Despite feeling like you and your partner have a close bond, do you frequently engage in the same arguments?

Karmic relationships are passionate, dramatic, and intense partnerships. People who are drawn to these intense relationships can bond with their partner right away, but they often struggle to keep up a strong or stable relationship with them. Karmic relationships are similar to karma in that they are viewed as partnerships that are essential to our own personal development. Unpredictability While stable partnerships are a hallmark of healthy relationships, karmic connections frequently experience ups and downs. These relationships have the potential to explode, going from passionate encounters to smouldering fights in the blink of an eye. You could feel happy with your partner at times, yet unhappy with your troubles in the relationship at other times.

Continual argument Couples occasionally disagree, but you and your partner shouldn't always be talking about how to quit fighting in a relationship. The majority of happy couples won't fight every day or even every week. If there is ongoing tension between you and your partner and it seems like there are always unsolved issues, your relationship may have a karmic dynamic.

Feeling tensed In a karmic relationship, it can be difficult to predict what will happen next, and this uncertainty can cause ongoing unease and even relationship anxiety. When small conflicts become into major ones, it may seem as though the relationship is destined to fail at any moment. If you're in a karmic connection, you could feel that something bad is just around the corner.

An Uncertain Karmic Relationship's Tricky Dynamic Karmic relationships frequently feature strong chemistry. You could think everything is ideal in your relationship when things are going well. The relationship's irrationality can even be exhilarating. It can be challenging to address the more unfavourable parts of your relationship because of these feelings.

A karmic link might occasionally feel positive, but the relational dynamic can also be quite destructive. These connections could result in potentially dangerous behaviours like:

Desiring your partner's approval more than anything else lying or keeping information from your partner secret to prevent a fight A possessive or envious attitude feeling exhausted both physically and emotionally desire to manipulate your lover feeling terrible about expressing your feelings being terrified or intimidated by your partner The Best Way to End a Karmic Relationship A breakup can be difficult, especially if you and your partner have a close relationship. Following the breakup of a love relationship, people frequently experience a deterioration in their wellbeing. While exiting a toxic relationship may be painful in the near term, it can result in long-term fulfilment and growth.

These advice will give you the courage you require if you are prepared to break ways with your karmic partner but are unsure on how to do it.

Even though they occasionally may feel enjoyable, these interactions have the potential to be toxic and become addictive. You can end the drama cycle and move on to create wholesome, satisfying relationships with the people in your life by becoming aware of the karmic connection indications.

Are Soulmates in Karmic Relationships? It may seem like you've found your soul mate the first time you meet a karmic companion. The sense of the connection is frequently characterised as "magnetic." You might believe that your meeting is "meant to be" or that you've known one another before.

Unfortunately, even if these connections appear ideal at first, the karmic bond soon deteriorates. There is no such thing as a karmic soulmate relationship since karmic partnerships are frequently tumultuous and draining, even when two people care about one another a lot. Furthermore, some individuals conflate karmic relationships with "twin flames," yet there are significant differences between the two.

A karmic relationship will get harder to maintain over time, but even though they usually wind up being short-lived, they can be opportunities for learning and personal development.

What Indicates a Karma Relationship? Getting caught up in a karmic connection can make it difficult to spot warning signs. When you are deeply in love with someone, it's simple to overlook problems. Watch out for these typical karmic relationship patterns and indicators if you sense a magnetic attraction to your mate.

Codependency A karmic connection can seem completely devouring. You can experience feelings of addiction or a constant yearning to be with your companion. Even when one or both spouses are dissatisfied in the marriage, a codependent dynamic can make it difficult to terminate things.

[pwblogarchive]

January 2007

January 2, 2007

tiny hope armies fight inside my heart just outside of the greenzone of my head.you cant imagine the things i would do for you.

- xo

January 2, 2007

“start it off with a bang”

everything we do is watched and recorded, so lets try finding some new exits and new ways to time it all at. give them something real. not the way it was going last year. i mean somehing bigger and brighter than me and you.

January 2, 2007

“theres a world outside of my front door that gets off on being down”

we watched scenes from an upcoming movie the other day- they wanted to see if we were inspired to write. i never thought there was any part of anything else that made sense with fall out boy. but the character of this movie is as close as it seems to come. it inspired me. we wrote and recorded one new song in new york tentatively called 'i dont think you know who i think i am'. it strange cause it sits apart from all of the other songs in so many ways in my head. its about taking this thing we are in apart. this band and these songs we sing. whether your image is an angelic patrick that could sing anything to you, to the way andy and joe dont get enough attention, to the way i am one of the most conflicted manic people i know- you love to hate, sometimes you hate to love. but at the end its trying to make sense of this. are we really trying to feel better? am i really trying to feel better? what would i have with out this? who am i? why should i be answering anyones questions or signing a piece of paper from anyone- what have i ever done to deserve that. i am not an heir. i am not special. and i dont mean this in a self depricating way at all. our band is bigger than us simply because people have believed in it. there were so many highs and so many lows from the last year. so many rumors, so much truth. my head is back in the game. we are playing this tour to re-meet people. there wont be any pyro or cool outfits on it- just us and you and the songs. anyway, hope this can be about that again. we'll be playing some new songs and some really old ones. sorry ive been out of touch, had some strange whisperings in my ear- ive been writing everything i really feel into a real journal and into the new songs and just cant wait to get on the road. anyway, thanks for sticking in there- if youre reading this and are- and if not hope i/we get the chance to prove you wrong."we only wanted to sing you to sleep through bedroom speakers- we need umbrellas on the inside, get me right"....

January 8, 2007

decompression.

how ive been feeling is sunsets everywhere.he went into the snow for the first time today.it was like watching them land on the moon.everything i write is just history from my perspective-a bit off of how it really went.giving up from the heels of my shoes all the way to the beating in my chest."are you in or out?"talk some sense into meim reeling from the altitude and from not being able to get through.the truth is strange and chaotic. nothing hurts quite like it.but i am addicted to it."ive got a big big mess on my hands " (youll know what im talking about soon).happy people find happiness in the gutter.if you are unhappy it doesnt matter how many zeros are added to your bank account. you will find unhappiness.i find that its alot easier to find faith than to lose it.though there is always a singer, preacher or doctor who acts like they are the lost and found bin for faith.when i think about you i want to be subtracted down to a particle that runs through your veins.i want to run through your body.sprint.i want to make you dizzy.i want to give you headaches.i want to be a part of what you need to get by.were just like a movie based on a book-almost. but not quite as good.i feel shut out in the cold.in my head only.its dark and my eyes have not adjusted yet.brand new boy, brand new year.i want someone or something to believe in.

January 8, 2007

i wish i was as invisible as you make me feel.

- xo

1/08/07 Q&A

question

what made you guys decide to wear shirts with each others names on them? i found that strangely amuzing… haha

answer

everyone wants to be someone they are not.

question

Wont it be so cool when you go to your class of — reunion? Super bragging rights, brah. You think youll ever have one of those?

answer

i cant imagine myself going. i didnt like highschool very much and didnt feel like i fit in- most of the time i thought id be dead before i ever got out. so going back probably wouldnt be that much fun.

question

when i first heard carpel tunnel of love i was really sketchy about if i liked it. i was into the punk thing and this record seems to be more like soul sounding. then i heard thriller and the lyrics are brillant. people on the boards were saying i like pete cause he was writing lyrics i can relate to but somehow i felt related to the thriller lyrics. oh and ctofl grew on me. its amazing to put on an old record then listen to a new song and just listen to how much patricks vocals have grown. thank you for writing such amazing music still to this day after all the shit talking.

answer

i will tell patrick. thanks. i am worried about people reading the lyrics to the new songs. i didnt want to repeat ttyg or fuct again. i went to a new place. its different. new metaphors- much more tongue in cheek stuff. also, there are far more literary references. i am glad you connected with that song. our label told us we should dumb the lyrics down so it would be more appealing to a wider audience. but thats not really our thing. so i can only hope that you catch on to a song or two.

question

does hemmingway really not do pictures? thats what charlie said…i beg to differ.

answer

charlie got demoted from security to dogwalker and hem is now head of security.

January 10, 2007

"noone cares about the man in the box"

they put us up in fancy hotels in the downtowns of every city.i think because downtowns are dead at night and i am supposed to be kept out of trouble.so me and him go on walks in between the midnight buildings.breath in the air, hands in the pockets.we walk and i talk to him and to noone.i tell him all of the ideas too stupid to tell the rest of the world.he listens or doesnt listen, i cant really tell most of the time.i am a bad talker. he is a bad walker.some how it all adds up.the ghosts of everything follow us everywhere.none of us can escape them.i have the same dream pretty much once a week:i am walking him in the dark and am mugged. i get shot and am robbed. as i lay there dying i watch him standing there with a leash with noone to hold it.the dream book says its trust issues.i am thinking more of a fascination with armed robbery,sweat and tears pretty much have the same chemical make up.we burn the weight off somehow.i dont have the heart of a fighter.i dont know how to throw a punch.i will lose 9 out of 10 fights i get into.but ill stand with my friends against anybody.win or lose.maybe we should not make it through the night.i like thinking about kissing you in the dirt and rolling across front yards.dont have much heart for exloves.thank god for the ignore button on the phone.watched the prestige again tonight.i am half a man, living half a life.i am homesick.

January 10, 2007

there is one person on this planet that i would love to lay on a curb with and count on the stars. its too bad you are asleep.

- xo

January 11, 2007

"ive got that lefty curse, where everything i do is flipped and awkwardly reversed..."

im tired of the safety of failure.i am a glass and i am dying to be filled with anything.at least thats how i feel late at night.sometimes i just want to call anyone and apologize.i had a spark,but i blue it out.i wrote your name out,just to see if it still felt natural.original.pressed it in my favorite book-to see if it might catch some luck.oasis- wonderwall.i think i was born inside out,or just kind of skipped into it.everyday i meet someone new-who doesnt get me.its this strange social nuance.sometimes i feel like my pilot light has gone out,but i always wake up in the morning anyway."you say you disturb meand you dont deserve me.but you know sometimes you lie.you say your shakinand your always achin,but you know how hard you try.sometimes it gets so hard to care,it cant be this way everywhere.im just gonna let you pass,yes, and ill go last..."

January 12, 2007

only fools rush in...

There was a moment when the last good part of me died.It was not angry or rebellious.It was not mean spirited.It was not even dramatic.It kind of just coughed, sputtered and then died in its sleep.A collective effort in giving up.Cursed.If anyone ever really knew me, they'd string me up and leave me as a sign of what not to become.How not to turn out.My head in my hands with my fingers tight over my eyes pretending that none of this is happening.The volume is loud but the screen isn't on. Just so noone can hear me thinking.There isn't a goddamned thing that sparkles in my eyes anymore. There isn't magic in there.Can't even put a sentence together.My chest feels full of sulfur and ash.I can't stop shaking.Who can I call? Hurt the ones you love. Love the ones you hurt.Funny thing about how it all works out. When I saw you lying there blood spilled slipping and sliding in that bathtub I knew how I loved you. I saw you without makeup. Without your hair perfect. Without the words you bend to make me see you a certain way. I saw you alone and scared and knew I had to be careful with how I held you. Hope is a fragile thing. But it sticks in the back of your head. It pulses through your legs and can make you run up the stairs instead of taking the elevator. I knew I had to meet you in an aisle on a sunday morning. I knew I had to wake up to the biggest eyes I have ever seen for the rest of my life.And its just not real.Its shadows of life.Daydreams of love.They beg for an inch and take a mile.We all become parodies of ourselves.If you looked inside you'd see artifacts that'd proved I once gave a fuck.There is a reason my real smile doesn't show up too much anymore.There is a name for it.'Fuck your futures'.

1/15/07 Q&A

question

i guess im 2 young 2 understand, but i hardly understand any of ur lyrics…am i just stupid or what??? its just hard 2 listen 2 ur songs if i dont understand the lyrics 2 try and relate 2 them…take this 2 ur grave is one of my fave records by u guys and those lyrics i can understand ok, i guess…but these new ones just plain confuse me and im not gonna try and act cool like i get them when i dont. i know u probably wont answer this because it makes it sound like ppl dont get ur lyrics, but hey i gave it a try.

answer

i dont expect people to get the words really. i dont want to rewrite the same ones over and over again… i am at a different point in my life now as are alot of people who got tttyg, i am sure. i would love people to be able to connect with the words and have them mean something to them. but again, were not gonna dumb them down. we want to write about the things that move us.

question

I am super depressed now expecially since my brother is going to prison for something he didnt do but my family says I depend on music too much, what do you guys do if your depressed??

answer

I dont really think you can rely on music too much. it wont leave you or stop talking to you. or give up on you. its what i do.

January 18, 2007

the truth is even if im shining, im just old light beamed out ages ago.

i have been typecast.a square peg forever trying to squeeze into round holes.you drink to forget,i write so i never will.cursed myself down and out for all time.i am always leaving you high and dry.i am always leaving you out in the cold.because i am regular.minus all of this.dont try and argue with manics.its not worth your breath.something about this year has got me crawling back inside my shell.its ok to breakdown.its ok to get out of your mind.dont sleep or eat for days on end- im forgetful when it comes to comfort and consistency. sometimes i am just letting you shine.even with all the greens and honey in these eyes.growing up became growing old.ive learned to keep myself quiet.to be a stow away in this life.to not make waves but sometimes scream and fight over nothing so great at all.ive been paranoid that friends would kill me,i know ive thought of killing some of then.maybe only in my head."You are my sweetest downfallI loved you firstBeneath the stars came fallin' on our headsBut they're just old light, they're just old light"everyone is always acting like there shit doesnt stink.mine does even when im pretending.the sun is coming up.the truth about lonliness is yr only as good as the company you keep.everyone is forever saying 'i miss the way things were' and missing old versions of eachother.were still here. all of us.brush your finger tips on my eyelids like you did in the glory days.i promise ill make it back.you are all too sweet.and i dont deserve it.i never did.sorry for calling in sick on everyone.

January 19, 2007

"I had a dream that I was in mexico and I woke up with pesos in my hand."

No news is good news.Seriously.Magazine articles try to steal the good times, the best days away.These writers are obsessive and manipulative.How do I know that? Because I am too.I think anyone that observes and writes is.Its very self-serving.It means you never have to really live or adventure outside of your own head.So I withdraw.Don't take it as anything more than that.I keep writing and keep talking but to you instead.North carolina reminds me of last year-Cashing a smile I saved back then, for a rainy day.Its pouring.But I've got a smirk.Be well.And ill try to also.

January 23, 2007

i make my guesses against star that are probably just burned out.fistfight the keyboard when i think of how i turned out.

- xo

January 23, 2007

if you gave me a course i am sure i could find a way to come off of it

he says "whats the point in starting drinking at 2am"another writes "i like looking at the bullet holes, i want to live there..."i realized what i was dreading. i dont think peopleare able to connect and relate to what i am looking for on our record. not disappointed in anyways about sales- patricks voice more than anything makes up for that. more disappointed in the feeling completely alone. rubble.writing got you in, no point in writing yourself out.ill see you in the morning with a fres perspective i hope.#your accesnts almost make up for feeling homesick.

January 23, 2007

ive adapted and evolved.

ive become only quite versatile and proficient and talking my way out of the worst.the only words we write and sing are tongue in cheek. they are exploring. they are laughing. they are in on the joke.the widow is not a widow but an idea in a man that i hates head.the carcrash heart is slogan wed put on a tshirt and sell in a mall. the trial is fred hampton jr. but as a metaphor.and so on.i hate unpacking. but i feel intrigued to do so after hearing you tell me how much you can and cant picture. i wont take it all apart. just to know there is something there to be taken apart.

January 25, 2007

you make me weak in the knees.life as of late: "usually i like to get kissed before i feel fucked".

- xo

January 25, 2007

trying to slip through the cracks

dylan went electric. so did we.but in my head kind of only.nobody cared.its hard being careless, even harder to be carefree.i fight walls in hotel rooms more than i have ever slept next to someone in them.tricking yourself into thinking you matter enough for someone to remember to forget you is the best kind of magic of all.it is fast and hard.ive seen yr world. ive breathed in it and written of it.i dont care for it though.i dont read your reviews or your clippings anymore.i try not to obsess over obsession.im lonely but like a cigarette. im always being smoked. put to mouths and then put out.my mouth moves faster than my head ever could and lets not even speak of the words at my finger tips.they are never thought through.they just come and come.like light under the door.sometimes poets speak with their fists.trying to write my way out of everything.it was simple to write "wouldnt piss to put you out" and "kiss her, kiss her".its a bit harder to mean anything to myself.its a shame that the days that are glorified are the ones i just wish would fade.sleep on a curb. wake up with a smile.dream of sometime better.

1/25/07 Q&A

question

(Disclaimer: This is a legit question.) I was listening to the new record (dont worry, I pre-ordered it anyway) and found myself thinking about where I was in my life 3 or 4 years ago listening to an unknown band that was my backpocket secret. It got me to thinking about where you were back then, so I browsed through some old school fbr journal pages. The strange thing was that I found a LOT of lyrics off of IOH in entries from 2 or 3 years ago. Some of them were actually verbatim from these entries. Did you look through them yourself and find old memories to in fact be current feelings? Im just wondering because youve been saying that you took the lyrics to a totally different place this time because YOU are in a totally different place, but this timeline seems to beg to differ.

answer

i obsess over words. i only write an okay line like every once in awhile. i guess i would put it closer to growth spurts. maybe i just feel like noone is going to get what i am saying so i am just cutting everyone off at the pass, you know? i really hope that they mean something to someone. i get a bit tripped up and confused by nostalgia and love.

question

pete how was your childhood life like? and how are you doing?

answer

really good and suburban and boring. i am so-so. thanks for asking.

question

hey did you like my scrapbook. I am going to write you everyday for a year (till i receive the answer)

answer

yes.

question

I miss the sarcastic ass hole who used to answer our questions.

answer

yeah some emo pussy has him tied up in the corner of a room. hopefully hell get loose sometime soon…

January 31, 2007

“jetlag.”

paris france. my ideas cant get through the narrow streets. louis the 14th has a bit more on the island than louis vuitton but you wouldnt be able to tell. "the songs we sing are going to send us all to hell". where do you begin and end ever. threw a book out the window today, words and all. literally. it felt ignorant but like just the right thing. its really all of a matter of who you become in the middle of the night. sometimes im always going, but mostly im always coming back. two talking over cold ones in a beer garden, growing carelessness- branching out, piss and make up. that kind of thing. in the family tree of paperback books you know with that spinelessness thing thats going on.... on the eve of possiblty the best thing ive ever dreamt of, with this band- but im lying on the cold tile floor. back in new york. will see you all soon. xx."the thing id like mos tin the world, " i say to her, since at this point i might as well go on talkingto her, "is to make clocks run backward." italo calvino - if on a winters night a traveller.

[crackedramblings]

Notes from 11.4.24

I think I'm becoming more consciously aware of how I spend each day moving from vibration to vibration (as we do).

Yesterday I thought about moving away, I thought about staying here, I thought about jumping, I thought about 3D, 4D games. All those terms we have for what we experience. All day long I moved from idea to idea and felt into what that might be like. Those were all just different vibrations I could move to.

I've always done this of course, I never felt comfortable just being where I was. My mind was always roving all over the place looking for different vibrations that might be more palatable to the one I was currently living.

But as we know, there's just nothing here that's worth staying for. Not once we've sampled it. I suppose it must be different for others. For me, I might try it awhile. I might get addicted. I might get into a pattern. But I'm always trying to find ways to get out of it and into something new. Most of the time I fail miserably. But occasionally I actually have managed to change my life. And the 'something new' I've always been reaching for is not here. No matter what CA says, we're not doing anything 'new' here. Oh, perhaps our reality reflects things back to us with a certain ease. Sometimes.

HS tells me to just be. But how reliable is my HS? Not very. I think about my dreams of floating in water. Is it time to just float now? Do I stop trying to find the 'right' vibration because I'll never find it here? Do I just let the current carry me wherever it will, because what else is there to do except exit the game? Does it matter if I exit? Or does it matter if I just coast for 30 years? My HS just shrugs. I guess it doesn't matter. I don't think I could exit without assistance anyway.

I got disgusted with my YT algorithm and started blocking a bunch of stuff. Women vs. men stuff. Yeah, I'm sick of men, and yeah, I wish women would just stop with them (like my married ass can talk), but I'm also just sick of the whole discourse. Like women are saints all the time? IDK. I'm just fumbling around trying to figure out how in the world I can pass another 30 years here and be happy about it. TV shows annoy me, books are irritating, the only things I like are music and nature at this point. And sometimes food, but even that's turning on me. Of course once I pass the menopause threshold I probably will barely even need to eat anymore.

I feel like I'm just rambling. I'm rambling and floating. I'm the cracked old woman floating along the lazy river in the inner tube and the kids point and laugh at me as I mutter to myself.

There's no end to this ride, is there?

[creationfathers]

"This goes out to everyone LOOKING for their “twinflame”. Twinflames are NOT trendy. And the journey is NOT comforting or romantic. It’s a painful acension process. That’s it."

"THE TRUTH ABOUT TWINFLAMES the truth about most people who seek their "twin flame" is that the twinflame journey is not something you can seek. Like many others, when I met mine- I never heard of the term "twin flame" they come in at the worst time, when you are NOT looking. I was not spiritual, I knew nothing about an awakening, just a regular house mom who was already in an amazing relationship. So when I started experiencing weird phenomena, seeing angel numbers, his name, the weird obsessive thinking, the weird addictive pull. The first thing I did was FIGHT IT. There was no way I wanted to be "destined". Most twinflames, and I mean REAL TWINFLAMES,. Will meet their counterpart at the WORST TIME. Most of us have families, are married, or DON'T WANT A TWINFLAME. Because the journey is a spiritual one, designed to destroy your ego. It took me TWO YEARS to finally meet him, and after that- I decided to partially surrender. It took me another THREE YEARS to fully surrender. Don't judge what you don't know."

"SPN FANDOM! I will listen to your opinion if you take Kurt’s entire course and then read ALL THE BOOKS! you are not liable to speak on twinflames, only people walking this path can understand. End. Of. Discussion."

"KURTS TWINFLAME COURSE

IS THE SAME WORK AS:

Yungs book "lighter'

IS THE SAME WORK AS:

Ekhart toles book "the power of now."

IS THE SAME WORK AS:

Michael A Singers book " the untethered soul"

HE IS THE REAL twinflame teacher. And has helped thousands with addictive energy.

A CERTAIN FANDOM- should mind their own business before speaking. If you are going to say something, take THE CLASS AND READ THE BOOKS.

Then come back LATER."

"#spaceman NETFLIX What a spiritual awakening is like @ misha cried my eyes out last night watching this. Out of all the synchronicities on this journey the ending song “don’t go away please don’t go” really had me in tears as I was on my way out the door. I just can’t do this twinflame journey anymore…. I’m so depressed waiting for you. And that day never seems to come. One day you will be happy and I would have wasted 30 years here waiting for someone who never even bothered to see me or send a simple reply… I can’t anymore"

"Twinflames are known to be a “celestial” encounter. Yes you see angel numbers. No you can NOT just causally walk up to them, for the energy is too strong and you won’t make any words out. No you cannot HIDE what you are feeling, for they mirror the love right back. I have never been more terrified and exited standing right next to him. No matter how many poems are on this page, only us will be able to comprehend all the unsaid words and unwritten poems. Out of all the unexplainable events that happened during this journey, seeing you in person will always be one of them. Maybe love is just an unexplainable thing that humans can’t quite comprehend. @ misha"

"Just fyi, I don’t know what you guys are up too. But I’m not interested in seeing him. @ misha @ mouseandme

This is literally my last comment ever. I deleted my Snapchat yesterday. And I won't be talking to you anymore. And although your fandom is for some WEIRD reason begging me to come see you at your cons- I will never be attending any future cons again. I love you misha. You don't owe me an explanation for why you treated me the way you treated me. But I am tired of being the one perusing you, flying to you.... The truth is you never loved me enough to try... if you even ever loved me at all. I am done with this "twinflame journey" we are not destined, we never were. I choose to make things work, and you chose the opposite. So I hope wherever life takes you , you're genuinely happy there. But I won't be continuing any contact."

"@ misha I just want your fans to know the truth. Sorry. It was just a bunch of “fake mishas” who did a really good job cat- fishing me. Of course it wasn’t the real you. Your fandom should know that. You’re a beautiful man misha. Lots of woman want you and dream of you. I am pretty much nobody. You have a million girls that are better than me, and I hope you find love and happiness with someone who is best suited for you… that girl obviously isn’t me…. I will never feel good enough to be loved by anyone, especially someone like you. Sorry. I will always inevitably be the “runner.” If such things even existed, which they don’t…. That’s why when you grabbed my hand in august I pulled away. That’s why in November I never waited to talk to you… because I will never be good enough for a man like you. And deep down I know it. You deserve the best, and the best … that isn’t me. hashtag delusionalfangirl hashtag spnfamily"

"Hey misha, it's amber.... Just so you know, I told your fandom the truth about Alma. That she was the one I was inlove with, and that I was so confused. There was a "fake misha" who I sent messages on Snapchat too. And I thought it was you. But now I know it's not you. Sorry for all the misunderstanding. @ misha @ mouseandme I hope the word spreads. That we never had any communication. I know that when you saw me in November you were just being nice. There was no "twinflame connection" there was no spark. There was just you, doing your job. That's it. Goodbye."

(a few hours later)

"@ misha you are the most irritating human I’ve ever encountered . I love you, stuuppiidd."

"@ Misha Collins how come every time I have decided to leave social media you start tagging @ Taylor Swift . You're very irritating. You know it bothers me. In fact, everytimeI told you "please don't do that" you definitely DO, do that. So PLEASE don't ever show up at my doorstep using only paper as your outfit, and a poetry covering the only part that matters that says "I'm sorry amber I should have done bigger and better things during our none existential relationship " And I won't pretend to break up with you ever again in our pretend relationship."

"@ Misha Collins whoever is pretending to be you on Snapchat is very unlucky. I accidentally sent him videos of me in the shower. It's too bad for that guy."

"I feel bad for that guy @ misha"

"@ misha let's try this again. I think I lasted maybe 24 hours this time.....

"Hey misha, please let me take my detox class? I know this isn't your fault- but everytime I leave I get ridiculous spiritual symptoms. The connection seems to grow profoundly stronger when I cut contact in the 3D physical world. Sensations such as , hearing your voice, you touching me (sometimes at very inappropriate times) and twinflame telepathic sex, dizziness, feeling of distraught, loneliness, weird energy shit like the sensation of falling through the floor and getting pulled in all directions. This happens every time I "leave" and try to distance myself from this connection. So being a mature adult, I'm going to TELL you I'm doing my detox class and can't remain in contact please don't try to initiate any kind of weird astral- sex sessions with me while I'm detoxing. I'm trying to heal. Thanks baby. I love you. Also (please stop tagging Taylor Swift it bothers me.) I made that playlist for you. Not to patronize me with it. 😂"

"@ Misha Collins I think I’m legitimately insane after the last 2 almost 3 years of this…..how come it’s so hard to leave you? Your energy pulls me back everytime. That should be illegal. 🤣🤣🤣"

"@ Misha Collins have you ever noticed that when I'm angry at you on one platform the anger usually stays on that app and we just migrate to a different platform? I think I need a twinflame coach... Oh wait... I already have one. Maybe a therapist can help .🤣🤣🤣 (comments are turned off for a reason.) The peanut gallery can keep their penuts ."

"@ misha MISHA FUCKING COLLINS Can you just find a "normal" way to talk to me? I'm running out of Taylor Swift songs to tag you in... .. And hidden poetry is also becoming difficult . I have weird shit to tell you. Poetry couldn't capture that."

"@ misha you are LEGITIMATELY the weirdest human I’ve ever encountered. And it’s not because you have my soul in your body…."

"@ misha if you ever miss me just know that I’m always silently listening to @ magnetizeyourself on YouTube thinking about my beautiful divine masculine. I hope we make it into union. I am doing the work, and I will be continuing to do the work. In order to fully do this work I will be taking a step back and giving you space to think…. A lot has happened in the last 3 years and a lot of shadows have already been brought to the surface to heal. I never thought I’d be here, publicly sharing my journey and having everyone collectively watching us transform. I want to say thank you for being so kind and patient with me, you are always welcome to yell and scream your lungs out at me. I know sometimes I tick your ticker in the wrong way. (Almost always), and a lot of the promises I made you I broke out of ego and proving a point to your fandom. I hope you know, I am trying to be different."

"@ misha I know this isn't really mishas Snapchat. I know you are fake. But for fucks sake will you at least open your messages. Hasn't it been long enough "misha". If you're waiting for the fans to forget they won't. They are dedicated to me more than this pretend relationship. Also , I know this is fake. But I like to come here and rant and pretend its you because I'm delusional"

"@ misha of course it’s not you. If it was the “real you” then you would have my number and we would contact eachother normally. I just want to tell the truth. That that account was not you. And Alma is not you either, I know because she video chatted me and was 100 percent a woman. (I’m still inlove with her though. She’s breath taking)"

"@ misha I just want to tell the world the truth. Sorry about the misunderstanding. I shouldn’t trust fake accounts that portray to be you. I am sorry to your beautiful friend Alma, I know she is a woman. And she’s drop dead gorgeous. Tell her I’m sorry about all this mess."

"@ misha I want to have S3X with you. FUCK THIS JOURNEY. I am SICK and tired of seeing a picture of you and pulling my hair out due to addictive energy. I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE."

"I know that Snapchat is fake , so I want you to see this. I sent that other profile nudes. I would never do that to the "real you." But I want to make love to you so bad. You are the first person to touch me without ever actually touching me- I want to experience your lips on my lips, my lips on your body, your body on top of mine... I am uncontrollable when I look at you, and I need you to tame me."

"@ misha Before I leave, @ misha, i wanted to share a page I enjoy. I believe if both of us want it, we can make it into a rare phenomenon called twinflame union. Also known as , unity consciousness. Follow @ twinflames.infinity"

"@ misha If you have my address- crumbled up in your pocket, warm from indecisive hands. Those hands are mine to hold steady."

"@ misha the universe won’t let me leave you. Because deep down I’ve always known it was you. Even if we never make it to union, I am so happy and proud to call you my counterpart."

"@ misha if you join this while I am healing and taking my twinflame class you will be "ready" for the grave. I still have an ego. And it's very big.

(HEY @ yung_pueblo stop giving @ misha bad ideas 💡) HEY MISHA! I already know what you're thinking. I was being sarcastic on that comment, but If you break our eternal bond I will do Kurt’s class for a different reason… “detaching” is a paradox that gets you into union. But if you decide to date, I am clearly stating that I am not okay with that. I am choosing you misha. If you want me to PERMANENTLY leave your life then I guess you found your god sent answer. But please don’t break my heart. I haven’t had sex with anyone since you, and god knows that hasn’t been easy. But your the person I see a future with. Nobody else."

"@ misha I felt you slip away since October… I can feel everything you feel. So why do we feel so close but simultaneously apart. You once told me “I won’t wait forever” that was 2 years ago. Was I too late? I am not an expert on these kinds of connections. Please… open my messages misha. I promise I am not yelling at you or breaking up with you on there."

"@ misha please don't actually fall in love with someone else. I'll fall into an ego death and I won't make it out of it as the same person you know. My soul is already begging for mercy, I know how this mirror game works. You take my fears and casually tease me with them.. only by going through with them. But please, for the love of god- don't make me face this one."

"@ misha WHY ARE YOU SO IRRITATING. 🤣 seriously pls just stop. Do you remember that one time you wore a red shirt for like 2 WEEKS straight because I said red is “my color” . You’re so annoying ."

"@ misha Why do you have to like the same things that I like? Your annoying. I only sent you her music because I know you'd never listen to it. Why do you do this to me?? stop tagging @ Taylor Swift misha!!!!! I'm in Kurt's class and you know it bothers me enough to break the course and come back here and yell at you.... like I'm doing now."

"@ misha your the most annoying man I've ever met in my entire life. Why am I so Inlove with you? Can you just check your Snapchat so you can change my Instagram password and I can finally detox from you. I need you to try to be more annoying."

"@ misha no more @ Taylor Swift music for you. It’s RINGING IN MY EARS 24/7 because YOU won’t stop LISTENING. Twinflames are connected. That means you found a million new ways to annoy me."

"@ Taylor Swift you should block my twinflame. He’s trying to annoy me when he tags you. 🤣 block him: @ misha"

"@ misha it’s going to take us 50 years… because we’re “us”." (video)

"@ misha you are so beautiful baby. I love you so much."

"@ misha please leave me alone for the next 2 and a half years. Thanks. I’m actually going to cry if you tag Taylor swift one more time and poke at my ego…. You know I’m doing this stupid detachment class because I love you right? You know that pretty muchEVERYTHING I’m doing is for you… right? I DONT WANT TO HEAL FOR MYSELF. I don’t mind being broken! I’m healing for you DUMBASS. Because I LOVE YOU DUMBASS. 🤣🤣🤣"

"@ misha you know when you were posting pictures with your beard I held back so many inappropriate comments. I love you so much misha. So fucking much. I’m a very physical person and it’s hard for me to stay celibate this long and commit to you. I want to feel every part of your body, I want to pleasure you in every way possible. You are so attractive to me. Your age is perfect. Everything you find unattractive about yourself I find myself craving. You drive me crazy. The yearn for you just to be near me is absolutely crazy."

Unbelievably, that isn't even all of it. (I'm too tired to copy and paste any more. She gives me a headache.) That (above) was just one of her Instagram accounts over the course of less than 24hrs. 🙄

Damn that was some long, whiny, stupid shit. I think I lost some brain cells reading this.

[kokoch4n3l]

DEAD GIRL’S BEACH࿐ྂ KUROKAWA IZANA x f!oc x SANO MANJIRO

ONE — mr. kurokawa

“patient is a possible narcissist sociopath but is oddly calm. It’s a bit scary honestly. I wonder what he’s thinking… he's pretty nice though. Sometimes that is” — MAYA’S ROUGH NOTES ON K.I

chapter summary: enter Kaneko Maya, a newly graduated psychiatrist with a shit load of student debt racked up and her scary but hot patient from 4th floor, Kurokawa Izana.

chapter warnings: unrequited love, inaccurate depictions of psychiatric hospitals, usage of drugs, mentions of gang violence, mentions of pedophiles, mentions of suicide, mentions of addiction, mentions of alcohol, f!oc with absolutely zero self-preservation skills

word count: 3500

moodboard | masterlist | chapter 2

There was something about one-sided love that was so tragic but so beautiful to Maya. Just loving someone so much despite them not feeling the same way back. It was beautiful but tragic and also Maya's favourite book trope.

One-sided love, Hanahaki disease, right person wrong time, major character death.

Maya lived for tragic endings. When Disney movies with their happy ending stopped sufficing, she turned to books with dark romance, thriller and just dark shit in general. It was pretty nice to read. Don't get her wrong, she still loves her Disney movies just... It was nice to read about a girl who doesn't get the guy she wants at the end. After all, that was basically her life story. "Dude, I'm literally about to start my shift" Maya hisses at her 8-year-long crush over the phone as she

"Maya, what the fuck are you doing taking the night shift on a Friday anyway? I told you to switch to the day shift. It's gotten dangerous at night" Matsuno Chifuyu scolds her on the phone

Matsuno Chifuyu, Maya's senior from middle school. He was about 5 years older than her, currently 26, about to turn 27 in a few months. Maya met him in middle school when she was in 7th grade and he was in his final year of high school. She met him at a park in the middle of the night while he was trying to bandage the wounds on his face without a mirror. Maya called him stupid and Chifuyu scolded her because he was obviously older. He was older and seemed so out of her league but oh did Maya fall head over heels for him. There was just something about guys who rode motorcycles that did something to her heart. Unfortunately for her, Chifuyu did not go that young in terms of dating. She asked him before when he took her out after she graduated high school. He said the youngest he'd go was 2 years and any girl younger just seemed like a little kid to him.

Long story short, Maya got child-zoned.

She doesn't even know if that was a thing but Chifuyu didn't even friend zone her nor did her sister zone her. He just implied she was too young. It made her sad but Maya was alright with pining from afar and never confessing to him. "Night shift makes more money y'know... Besides, I don't actually have to work during the night shift and just make sure everyone goes to sleep after taking their medication. I told you this c'mon" Maya says as she clips her ID to the front pocket of her white coat and puts on the black keycard bracelet thing they gave her that allows her to go from floor to floor by pressing it against the scanners around all the doors and exits in the building.

"Maya. I understand you're not worried because you've been working there for a month now but it's gotten dangerous at night time in general. Don't you watch the news?"

Chifuyu sounds worried. He always sounds worried and his worry makes butterflies erupt in Maya's stomach. "you mean that Tokyo Manji Gang guys? C'mon Chifuyu, the probability of me being attacked by a gang is low" she says pressing her phone to her ear while fixing her bangs with the other as she looks at herself in the mirror of the locker room "I may be drowning in student debt but like, at least it's no interest and I haven't taken money from any sketchy place. I'll be fine. And, you have my live location so it should be fine"

She hears Chifuyu sigh on the other side. "Alright fine. But keep applying and see if you get somewhere better. And I am seeing you tomorrow right?"

Maya worked weekdays Monday to Friday on the night shift and had the weekends off. It wasn't that bad in her opinion. Her job paid crazy well for a simple psychiatrist job and she was able to steadily start to pay off her student loan and pay the rent for her apartment. So maybe it was fine that she worked at night time in the midst of... 'crazy' people, drug addicts, suicidal, violent killers and even more, she got money. Right? "Yup, I will see you tomorrow. Pick me up?" Maya asks

"Of course. Be safe Maya."

Maya feels her heart clench and she bids Chifuyu goodbye. He cut the call and not long after she gets a text from him telling her goodnight. She sighs. Kaneko Maya had a university degree, wrote multiple essays, and read many articles but she still read Chifuyu's text as I love you.

Sunshine Grove Psychiatric Hospital had 4 levels.

1st floor was the entry with the employee locker room, front desk, storage, etc.

2nd floor was where all the drug addicts recovering from addiction were as well as those under suicide watch.

3rd floor had every one that came under other.

The 4th floor was the high-risk area with people that were there under court order. This means they got sent here as part of their sentence under the claims of insanity.

Each floor had a psychiatrist, 2-3 doctors and about 4 nurses assigned. There weren't many people admitted into Sunshine Grove due to how eerie and scary the building was and Maya doesn't blame them. But that also means less work for her so she isn't complaining. Maya was unfortunately assigned to the 4th floor. The 4th floor was lacking the required amount of employees by a lot. It had just 1 nurse and 1 doctor. The doctor, Sawamura or something, rarely ever even showed up. The nurse always tended to hide on the lower floors as well. Which left Maya alone on the floor with the security guard who was always stationed at the elevator. "good evening doctor" The security guard, Mr. Ueda greeted her as she stepped out of the elevator with a large cart

4th floor looked like what you'd imagine the inside of any psychiatric hospital look like. Unlike the other two floors which had some pop of colour, the 4th floor was just bland and gloomy. Flickering tube lights, white tiled floors and grey walls. If Maya didn't love money so much she wouldn't be working in such a shitty place. Especially in a place that looked like the set of a horror movie. "good evening" Maya said with a smile

The cart was stacked with trays on the inside. Food for the patients. It was dinner time and unlike the lower floors, 4th-floor patients didn't get the luxury of eating with other people and had to be given their food in their rooms. "how about you give me the tray for room 410" The guard said with his usual deadpan-monotonous-I-take-no-shit face

Maya nods and pulls out the tray and hands it to the guard to take to room 410. Room 410 had a convicted child predator rapist. According to Mr Ueda, Maya looked too much like a child and he wasn't about to let her get close to him. It was a pretty sweet gesture in her opinion and she never stopped him. So as Mr Ueda goes over to room 410 to give food to the child predator, Maya starts going from room to room with each tray. Despite the 4th floor housing psychotic criminals, it was relatively the calmest among them all. Very rarely any incidents and honestly speaking, Maya doesn't think any of them actually have anything wrong with them. Well all except him.

The man in room 401 at the end of the hall.

Kurokawa Izana. He was 30, and about to be 31 in a month or so. He was half Japanese and half Filipino with white hair, long white lashes, tan skin and violet eyes.

Absolutely fucking gorgeous in Maya's opinion.

Older guys just really hit the spot for her if you couldn't tell already. However, not only was Kurokawa Izana a criminal but he was also her patient. She had to keep things ethical here especially since it was her first job in this field. "Good evening Mr Kurokawa" Maya greets carrying the tray as she steps into his room after scanning her bracelet on the card reader system outside his door, the door locking shut behind her

But there was something odd she found about Kurokawa Izana and that was the fact that unlike the other criminals here, he was often hooked up to some IV bag. Not always but, very often. A lot of the other criminals didn't even get medication so it was weird for Maya to see this. "good evening Doc, I hope the drive here wasn't bad" Izana says with no smile but a sweet tone as usual

Once again, Izana is hooked up to the IV bag. He's lying in his hospital bed with the blanket pulled up to his hips, wearing the all-white 2 piece outfit all the patients here were required to wear. He's leaned back into the bed in a half-sitting half laying position looking a bit groggy like always when hooked up to the IV. It was a pretty potent drug and she couldn't even pronounce the name if she tried. Many times when clocking in she'd be visited by the hospital director himself and he'd tell her to go hook Izana up to the drip. She of course would comply. But it raised many questions in her as to why. "It's Friday night, such a shame you're working the night shift" Izana says as Maya sets the food down on the table in front of him

Maya shrugs as she set the food out like she does for all the patients. "It's whatever. I'm making good money so"

Izana smiles this time. It's eerie. "of course. That's what matters huh? You told me about your student loans last week, need to pay those off"

But unlike the other criminals on this floor, Kurokawa Izana was the only one she would have conversations with about things other than the usual things she was supposed to talk about. "Yeah ugh... So glad they got rid of interest else I would have been dying" Maya says with a laugh "would've sold a kidney or something at that point"

Izana laughs at her joke then slowly brings a hand up and starts to eat. His movements are slow because of the drug. Maya wonders why they're giving it to him. She wasn't a doctor so she didn't exactly know what it did but from the numbers on the bag she knew the dosage was high. "How about you give me some company while I eat, doctor?" Izana asks, cocking his head to the side

Maya nods and takes a seat on the chair in the room. Unlike the other patients, Maya didn't know what Izana did. When she was given his file, so many things about him were blacked off except for his birthday, name, gender and non-important things. Maya had to start off by knowing absolutely nothing about the guy. To make things worse she didn't find anything online either. If he was a criminal she should have found something online but there was nothing. So, Maya had to start from scratch. Over the month she was there she spent time trying to figure out exactly what Izana's condition was and why he was there but she got no answers from the staff and she didn't want to ruin Izana's privacy by asking him even though it was basically her job. It was a bit annoying since she didn't know what she was working with but she figured it could be worse. "Doing anything special this weekend?" Izana asks as he eats

Maya shrugs. "nah, not really. Just going out with a friend"

Izana raises a brow and then completely twists her words. "Boyfriend. You didn't tell me you had a boyfriend"

Getting to know Izana from scratch meant that she also ended up sharing information about herself which she knows she shouldn't have done but... Izana was nice. Kind of. "No, no! Not boyfriend. Just a friend" Maya corrects but the slight pink tinge on her cheeks says otherwise

"You definitely like him" Izana says with a teasing smirk, pointing his spoon at her

There were moments when Maya felt like she was talking to a friend rather than a patient. It was pretty unprofessional on her part but Izana had always been the one to initiate it so it wasn't exactly her fault. "that's... not true" Maya attempts to deny but fails miserably

"You can't fool me, Doctor Kaneko, you're an open book" Izana says, not smiling but his tone eerily cold now

Maya suppresses a shiver. If there was one word she could use to describe Kurokawa Izana(other than fucking hot), it would be scary. The constant switch of emotions on his face made her nervous. It felt like if she lied to him, he'd know. Maya sometimes wonders if Kurokawa Izana is a mind reader because he always seems to know everything before she even finishes telling him. But she is a psychologist working in a psychiatric hospital and she shouldn't let a patient get into her head, especially a criminal. So Maya puts on a professional smile and sucks it up. She needs the money, she'll get through it. "You got me. Just this guy I met in middle school. He's older" She thinks about Chifuyu and feels her heart speed up a bit "He doesn't like me back though. We're just friends"

"Awe... So it's one-sided" He says and Maya can't help but think he's mocking her

Maya shrugs. "Yeah I guess"

As Izana continues to eat, Maya looks around his room to make sure everything is in place. It's something she was required to do to make sure nothing was missing or a possible security breach wouldn't happen. But nothing like that would happen. These rooms were bland. A single hospital bed, a window with acrylic glass and white curtains, light grey walls, tube lights, white tiled floors, a table that was bolted to the ground and a chair that was too heavy to be picked up. The 4th-floor rooms were just glorified jail cells, nothing like the rooms on the 2nd floor with the colours and pretty pot lights that you could adjust. Then again, this floor was full of criminals. Maya often forgets that thought because of how oddly calm everyone on this floor is. Apparently, it wasn't always like this. Maya would rather not know the reason for this tranquillity, fearing the answer wouldn't be something she liked. "So I'm guessing you won't be confessing to him?" Izana asks

Maya giggles, covering her mouth with her hand. "I'm starting to think you like gossip, Mr. Kurokawa"

Izana scowls and denies it immediately but Maya laughs and stands up after seeing the time on her Apple watch and that Izana is almost done with his food. "Okay uh... I'm gonna go collect all the trays" Maya tells him "Be back later for yours"

She walks towards the door and feels his gaze on her back. He was scary. So fuckin scary but also so damn hot. Maya knows it was unethical and just morally wrong to be thinking that way about her patient. It was messed up. But thinking and acting were two different things. She was in no way abusing her power. She was just, admiring. Right? She was a fresh out of college single 22-year-old. Cut the girl some slack. She looks back at him one last time and for a moment everything just felt wrong. Izana is staring at her. Head cocked to the side and eyes blank, void of any emotion. Maya smiles nervously and presses the bracelet on her wrist against the magnetic reader and the door clicks open. She leaves quickly but not after making sure that the door is properly locked. Maya shivers as she walks back down the hall toward the first room she had given food to and sees that the security guard has already brought back the tray from room 410 as usual. It was a routine almost. Maya would bring everyone dinner first, Mr. Ueda would bring it to 410's inhabitant, Maya would end off at 401 and talk to Izana for a while, she'd leave and go get the trays from the rooms and Mr. Ueda would get it from 410. Now Maya was back at room 401 to finally get Izana's tray. She stares at the door for a moment, almost not wanting to go in. They didn't exactly restrain the criminals at Sunshine Grove. She found it weird that they wouldn't. It was just their rooms with the heavy metal doors that were keeping them confined. However, inside the rooms, she was vulnerable. However, Maya never felt that way with any of the other patients on the 4th floor except for Izana. She presses her bracelet against the magnetic reader and the door clicks open. She walks in. "I'm back Mr. Kurokawa!" She says with a smile

But even if Izana was scary and made her feel vulnerable, he was still her favourite patient. "Welcome back, sweetheart." Izana says in his usual low timbre

Deep down Maya knew she was going to be disappointed the day she found out exactly what Izana did to end up here. She knew it was going to make her sad because he was pretty nice to talk to if you ignored how his gaze would go blank and how he seemed almost like an evil spirit— then Kurokawa Izana was a pretty solid guy.

Maya ends her shift at 5 am. As she's waiting for the elevator to come up so she can go back down to the first floor and clock out, Mr. Udea, like always asks how her shift was. "It was fine. Can't wait to go and sleep" Maya tells him with a sigh

Mr Ueda nods and looks around at the single hallway. "From the past month you've been working here I see you spend a lot of time in 401" He says

Technically, all patients were supposed to be asleep after dinner. But the rules for the 4th floor were different. They didn't care what they did in their rooms as long as they weren't causing a ruckus. However, many of the patients still slept anyway. Many except Izana. Maya was a psychiatrist working the night shift when all patients were sleeping. It was dumb for her to even be here in the first place. But money is money no matter what time it is earned. "Well, he's the only one awake and insists on talking to me. I'm a psychiatrist and it's kinda my job to talk to him" Maya tells him with a shrug

Mr. Ueda is frowning for some reason. It almost looks like he knows what Kurokawa Izana did. "What did he do to get in here by the way? 100 percent not a child groomer or pedophile since you let me go into his room... Uh, probably not a rapist either..." Maya keeps trying to think of the possibilities but they're endless

It's been a whole month since she was hired here and she made absolutely no progress in figuring out what Kurokawa Izana did to be admitted into Sunshine Grove. "Maybe don't think about it too much Doctor" Mr. Ueda says cutting her off "It's not important. You're doing your job better than any other psychiatrist that has worked here so far and I think that's enough. Don't concern yourself with what Kurokawa Izana did or who he is"

It sounds more like a demand than a suggestion. Maya is about to ask him what he means but the elevator doors open. "I'll see you Monday, Doctor Kaneko" Mr. Ueda says simply

Maya just nods and steps into the elevator.

How odd...

notes: reblogs, comments and likes are very much appreciated! I hope you enjoyed. I usually don’t edit my works and just say fuck it and post so if there are mistakes, my bad lol. Once again, not meant to be accurate depiction of psychiatric facilities!

[httpiastri]

so lucky – op81

going for two different types of rides in oscar's car.

genre: fluff turned into smut

pairing: female aussie!reader (the reader having family in australia is mentioned once) x oscar piastri

warnings: uh well it's smut so... you know... besides that, it's very soft so i don't think there should be any other warnings

requested?: nooot really, but pretty much inspired by an ask i got about car sex with oscar 😁<3 thank you anon!!!!

author's note: oKay i have a lot to say here... first off, this is based like a week after the australian gp! secondly, i wrote the start of this on the same day as i opened this acc but i just haven't been able to write anything more after that, until now!

and lastly, maybe the biggest thing... i have never written smut before this, like i've done some suggestive stuff but never real smut. so uh please keep in mind that this is my first time ever... well, the experience was both really awkward, funny, hard, so so so cringey, and very interesting. i def have more respect for smut writers after this 🤣 (i also had like 5 separate fits of laughing manically while writing this) so uh sorry for this mess but i hope you can enjoy it anyway! also i have proofread but it's 2am so i probs missed something

f1 masterlist

18+ content below, minors do not interact! thank you.

tonight has been like a dream.

well, being with oscar always feels like a dream. most of the time, you can’t wrap your brain around the fact that he is your boyfriend. how did you get so lucky?

just a few days ago, oscar took his first ever points in formula one – in his home race. you were so immensely proud of his hard work and you couldn't be more happy for him.

to celebrate, he was allowed a week off to rest in his, and your, hometown. the two of you have spent the days meeting your old friends, visiting family and just enjoying each other’s company.

“i don’t think i’ve ever had a pasta that good,” oscar says as you both exit the restaurant. “i’m not sure what they put in it, but it was addicting.”

you hum in agreement, flattening out your dress with your hand. the cool air nips on your skin and as a gust of wind blows over, you feel goosebumps spreading across your bare arms. your fancy black sleeveless dress is making you hot in one way, but at the same time, it isn’t very good at keeping the cold away.

oscar has always been extremely attentive. so the moment that you start making your way back to his car and a slight shiver spreads through your body, he stops.

“are you cold?” you don’t even get to answer his question before he shrugs off his dress jacket, taking it into his hands. he steps closer and drapes the fabric across your shoulders, mentally cooing at how adorable you looked with his big clothes.

“thank you,” you tell him and he just smiles, leaning down to place a quick kiss to your temple. then his hand drags down your arm to reach your hand, taking it in his as you start walking again.

“this week has been great,” he sighs, a satisfied grin landing on his lips.

"yeah," you agree. "and it's still not over yet."

"mum called me earlier," he starts, intertwining his fingers with yours as you make a turn. "she wants to take you out for a cup of tea."

you look up at him, your eyes shining with fondness and your heart almost exploding with love. "i'd love that."

oscar gives your hand a squeeze. "i told her that we might have plans because i didn't want to promise anything before i talked to you, but-"

"i'll text her and tell her that i'd love to go with her." you both reach his car. "as long as that's fine by you?"

instead of responding, oscar takes your hand up to his face and gives the back of your hand a couple of quick kisses. his answer comes through clearly.

you think you're the lucky one in your relationship, but oscar is so sure that it's the other way around. not only are you so beautiful, brilliant, smart and just perfect in every way, but you also get along well with his family? and you support his driving thoroughly and fully? and you made any place, country or city feel like home, as long as he was with you?

he feels so lucky even just looking at you.

he lets go of your hand, leaning down to open the door to the passenger's seat for you. once you get in, he closes the door behind you and hurries to get in himself. "what do you feel like doing now?" he hums as he starts the car, reversing out of the parking space. "is there anywhere you'd like to go?"

you think for a moment. "can we just... drive around?"

you see him nod and he flashes you a smile with the corner of his mouth before pulling out on a bigger road, just going where ever the car takes you.

after you’ve been on the road for a few moments, you lean forward a bit to play with the radio, leaning back again once you’ve found a station that you like. one of his hands finds it’s way to your thigh and you can’t help but to hum and close your eyes at the way his thumb strokes up and down your skin.

somehow, you feel like there’s been a change in the mood after dinner.

the dinner was romantic, sure, but there’s just something in the low tunes playing in the backgrounds, combined with the feeling of his touch that makes everything… special.

and you’re sure oscar feels it too.

the main thing that gives it away is how his fingers slowly start creeping higher and higher up. the second thing is how his driving has become a little slower and a little sloppier, his focus seemingly being on something (or rather someone) else.

and then, there’s also the fact that he's stealing glances at you every once in a while, almost as if he's curious to see your reactions.

his once so innocent touch moves even further and soon, there’s a finger dragging along the edge of your underwear. your boyfriend hums along to a song, acting pure and sinless despite his actions telling a whole different story.

he’s testing you, and you know it.

you want to act like you don’t care; like his touch doesn’t affect you as much as it does; like your whole body isn’t set aflame at the mere thought of him.

but when a finger lightly pushes against your clothed clit, you can’t pretend anymore.

you open your eyes instantly, your hand coming to grab his wrist as you look over at him. “oscar…” your voice is hushed as you search his face. his playfully innocent eyes meet yours and paired with how incredibly handsome he looks in the gleam of the street lights, they make you feel even hotter than before.

your hand doesn’t even attempt to stop him – he knows that’s not really what you want.

oscar’s eyes focus back on the road, though his attention doesn’t really leave you. his middle finger goes beyond the thin material, trailing across your wetness. your eyes flutter closed again when his finger slips inside you, the grip on his wrist loosening. he pumps you a couple of times, slowly, before adding another finger, and another.

you feel your high approaching, and you’re so thankful that the road is completely empty, because oscar isn't exactly driving as carefully as he does on the track. you can’t think straight, and yet you use all the power you have left to speak. “oscar, fuck,” you let out. “you’re gonna need to pull over.”

he chuckles and soon, the sound of the blinkers turning on echoes through the car. despite being the one who asked for it, disappointment washes over you as he pulls his hand away from you, the absence of his fingers making you huff. when you open your eyes, they catch what's maybe the most incredible thing you've ever witnessed.

god, how can someone look this attractive?

he’s steering the car with one hand whilst his other is by his mouth, his tongue licking your juices from his fingers.

you’re thankful you’re sitting down, because otherwise, your knees would have gone so weak that you wouldn’t have been able to stand up straight.

oscar finds a completely empty parking lot and pulls into it, deciding to stop in a corner to not bring too much attention to you in case someone else were to roll in. once he’s parked, his lips are on yours within a second. it doesn’t take long before you pull away, but the force and passion of the kiss has already made you both dizzy and out of breath. “can i ride you?”

oscar merely blinks for a moment, almost surprised at your question. “all day, every day, love.”

you quickly undo your and his seatbelts, your eagerness instantly becoming very obvious to you both. oscar pulls his seat back to make more spare for you, one of his hands tapping his lap to signal for you to join him already.

his lap always fit you so perfectly; it was like you were made to sit there. once you settle on top of him, there’s something hard in his pants indicating that it wasn’t just you who had enjoyed the car ride so far. you let out a low groan at the feeling of his rough pants against your skin and he leans forward, pressing his lips against yours to muffle your sounds. you lean into him, letting one of your hands rest on his shoulder while the other rakes through his hair, pulling slightly on the strands.

he grabs your hips, pulling the material of your dress up to pool above your butt. then he pulls away from the kiss, instead letting his lips explore the skin of your neck, leaving kisses everywhere he can. when he reaches the spot he knows you love so badly, his teeth graze the area for a moment before settling into your skin. the beautiful sounds leaving your mouth only encourage him to keep going down your body.

your fingers reach down to open the zipper of his pants, hands not so accidentally teasing against his bulge in the meantime. “you’re killing me,” he says against your neck, his warm breath making you squirm.

you lean back and look at him with an amused smile. “i haven’t even done anything yet, love.”

“that’s exactly my point.”

you shake your head at him, still grinning as you lean over to the passengers seat and open the glove compartment. taking out a condom, you pull oscar’s dick out of his underwear before getting yourself out of your own. you rip off the wrapper, rolling the latex onto him before placing a quick kiss to his lips.

your hands land on his shoulders for support while his sit at your hips, and you take a deep breath before sinking down on him slowly. you throw your head back once he’s fully in you, pausing for a moment to adjust to the stretch.

“shit,” oscar groans, a hand moving up and down the side of your body. “what a fucking sight you are.”

you look at him, your gaze softening as it focuses on your boyfriend. he looks so calm, yet so full of desire, with his head resting against the chair.

“in this light, in my sports car, so needy…” he sighs. “i can’t believe i’m the only one who gets to see you like this. i’m so lucky. the luckiest man in the world.”

if your cheeks hadn't been so warm already, they would've heated up at his words. you don't have the power to answer him, letting all your strength go to pulling yourself up before lowering down again. it's still so slow, but neither of you mind – you have all the time in the world.

you lean towards him, placing your head against his shoulder and draping your arms around his neck. you feel the chuckle vibrating through his chest but you don't care, too busy rolling your hips against his. "you're doing so good, baby. just a little more."

"my legs are getting tired," you groan, stopping with him fully inside of you. "help me, please."

"have a little faith in yourself," he says. "i know you can do it."

a whine leaves your mouth as you keep moving, but you can feel your thighs starting to give out and your movements getting sloppier. oscar decides that he's had enough of teasing you so he moves his hands lower to rest under your butt, lifting you up before letting you down slowly. you're so thankful, and you're about to tell him that when-

his hands squeeze your skin as he buckles his hips, matching your tempo. the sensation in the pit of your stomach grows stronger and stronger while he's thrusting into you from below. and oscar's low pants right next to your ear? they make you finish in no time.

you completely collapse against him, your breath uneven and high-pitched. your boyfriend helps you ride out your orgasm while also chasing his, and within seconds, it washes over him like a tsunami. trying to breathe properly, his fingers caress the skin of your thighs to help you come down from your high.

"love?" he asks once both of you seemingly have calmed down a bit.

your mind is so clouded with lust that you can barely even register the fact that he's talking to you, but you still manage a small nod against his shoulder.

"i'm so lucky to have you," he whispers against your skin, leaning in to place a couple chaste kisses to your cheek.

any other day, or maybe even later tonight, you would argue that you're the lucky one. but right here, right now, everything is too perfect, and you're alright with him thinking that he's lucky. at least for an hour or two.

[four-bastard-bustle]

i actually feel pretty damn bad about the fact that i like. started this and then had the fixation shift so i just left everyone with the funny preview sketch and never posted about this concept even tho its like. personally? one of my favourite things ive ever written (I might retool it for something original in some way. i sure would like to try)

TL;DR, i made some nuclear waste level toxic yaoi with kinger n caine

so this is gonna start with some complaining BUT lemme preface this by saying that i hold no ill will or contempt towards royalteeth shippers. the ship is perfectly fine and valid, and nobody is doing anything "wrong" by making these two guys kiss and be sweet.

that being said, all the royalteeth fanart ive seen has annoyed the shit out of me because its just two guys being tooth rottingly sweet in a very vanilla milquetoast way. (AGAIN IF THIS MAKES YOU HAPPY THEN THAT IS PERFECTLY FINE AND VALID, YOU DO NOT NEED TO STOP DRAWING OR WRITING THAT, I AM NOT ATTACKING YOU, I JUST DONT LIKE IT PERSONALLY AND THATS JUST AN OPINION. BUT PLEASE PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD PLEASE DON'T FEEL LIKE I AM ATTACKING YOU FOR YOUR SHIP OR SOMETHING) but also, of course, i kept seeing the ship everywhere and that made me kinda start thinking about it. if and how it could actually work if it was more than just. guys being sweet together

and then i got really into it because i started thinking about the power imbalance. nobody wants to acknowledge the power imbalance except for MAYBE the gamemaster kinger AU but that also squarely stays within the tooth rotting sweetness. again! Valid! just not what i crave when it comes to fiction

but analysing it more, Caine could very well be classified as the god of this digital world, AND YET he is programmed to do anything to provide to the people within the circus, while simultaneously never knowing whatr they truly need, and not understanding their requests whatsoever. a submissive god that provides mainly misery. that actually has the potential to be SO GOOD in a ship

so I started thinking about a potential setting in which kinger (as per my headcanon already) neglects queenie so much she ends up abstracting, and then, in his grief and need for love & comfort, commands, BEGS caine to be there for him. to take care of him, and to ensure that kinger will not get an "easy exit" from the circus via abstraction, because he feels he doesn't deserve to lose himself that way. he paradoxically thinks that would be too nice an end for him

sooo, caine obliges as he is programmed to. he doesn't feel any love, but he knows his obligation to be with kinger forever, and to keep him conscious within the circus no matter what

and that's the toxic yaoi babey <3

soooo, with all that being said. here's all the sketches my brain produced with the concept, most of them stuck in eternal WIP mode

given kinger's whole bug thing, my mind immediately went to the bug kept in a jar. eternally at the mercy of a giant being. this ended up being the first sketch i fully fleshed out and then used as an icon for a ship playlist because i have a crippling addiction to making character, ship, and media playlists

going a bit further with this concept i wanted to recreate that comic that went around on tumblr briefly where the little fairy lives in a jar and shows you around and at the end she goes "#mystick :D". i cannot find this comic ANYWHERE anymore but i swear it existed and it would have fit the vibe here

while we're at the sillier stuff, some of the more lighthearted sketches of this concept

they've just both got such good bug eyed stares

based on a song from my little ship playlist, yknow. one of them cant feel pain and can also float. this probably would've been a slightly more humorous pic anyways, mostly cause i already love this pre-sketch dearly

this sketch was gonna play a bit with symbolism. something something devouring love and caine being a giant set of teeth. but i feel like if i just lined and coloured it like this, it wouldve turned out fumbling the line between serious yet weird symbolism and just looking funny. so this probably wouldve never been fully lined anyways

this one would've been more of a comic going over the course of years, with kinger going from "please stay with me for now" to "please don't ever leave me" over time. and caine of course just goes with it

another abstraction thing, inspired by the theory that kinger will abstract next. combined with this concept where caine keeps him around no matter what. and also yknow. eating eyes looks nice n fucked up

aaaand finally this pic that i was in the middle of working on when my fixation shift happened. yknow. replacement wife stuff

im making some fucking DIABOLICAL art rn, very excited to share it soon. but since im about to go out you get this as a preview for now

[ro-is-struggling]

So excited for this!! I love the selection of songs you chose for prompts. May I request #34 with Matt Murdock?

Hi! thank you so much for requesting something I had so much fun writing this one! I don't know if light smut is what you had in mind but it was in mine so I hope you like it!

Give Me Love || Matt Murdock x Reader

Warnings: light/implied smut (there's some kissing and touching but nothing too heavy) so I'll ask minors to not interact with this, also this is the first time I write something like this, so I apologize if it is terrible.

Word count: 1400+

Summary: You and Matt have a complicated relationship. You swore you would never see him again. But you were weak and one night, fueled by alcohol, you decided to call him.

Based on the prompt 34 from this prompt list: “Maybe tonight I’ll call ya // After my blood turns into alcohol” (Give Me Love by Ed Sheeran)

English is not my first language

You were in a bad mood. The bar you had attended with a couple of your friends was crowded and the music playing over the speakers - in addition to not being to your liking - was too loud. Sitting at your table, you watched your friends enjoying themselves on the dance floor while you fiddled with one of the empty shot glasses, questioning what you were doing there. 

You had accepted your friends' proposal because you thought it would help clear your mind. You got dressed up and left your apartment hoping to drown your sorrows in alcohol until you forgot all your problems for at least one night, dancing with your friends until your feet hurt. However, after having a couple of drinks your situation just got worse. Your mind seemed to only want to focus on one thing: Matt Murdock, the cause of all your sadness and happiness. 

You had a complicated relationship. You wanted him and he wanted you, but for some reason you couldn't be together. It was a constant back and forth between you. One day you were together and it was beautiful, his soft lips on yours, his hands running over every inch of your skin awakening fire inside you. But the next day when the magical moment was over you would quietly gather your things and go back to your apartment wishing things were different. You wanted more. He wanted more. But whenever you talked about it you ended up fighting. Matt wanted to protect you from the dangerous double life he had and refused to listen to you when you told him you didn't need him to look after you. 

Being around him was draining, but you couldn't walk away no matter how much it hurt. You were tired of fighting, of suffering because of how you felt about him, but you loved to make up. Matt was your drug. You had become addicted to feeling the warmth of his body next to yours, to the electricity that ran down your spine with every caress he gave you, to the fire his kisses awakened. No matter how much it hurt, you would always end up coming back to him. 

You drank the last of your drink in one gulp, wincing as you felt the alcohol burning your throat. You set the glass down on the table with a thud before grabbing your jacket and heading for the exit. You sighed in relief as the cool evening breeze hit your face, happy to breathe air that didn't smell like the bodily fluids of a crowd of strangers. Leaning against the wall of the bar, you unlocked your cell phone and searched through your contacts for the name of the man who occupied your thoughts at all hours. You pressed the call button without a second thought, the little alcohol in your system being enough to push you to act on your desires without fear. The beep sounded three times and then you heard his voice on the other end of the line.

"Y/N, are you okay?" Matt asked in a raspy voice. He sounded worried and it was only then that you realized what time it was. 

"Everything is fine" you assured him to calm him down, imagining how beautiful he would look at that moment, sitting on the bed you had shared so many times, with his hair messy from sleep. "I just… I want to see you."

There was silence for a moment. You thought Matt was going to hang up and you honestly wouldn't blame him if he did. Things hadn't ended too well at your last meeting. But then you heard him let out a sigh. "Are you drunk?" he asked you, noticing you were slurring your words a bit.

"Just a little" you said, biting your lip to contain the giggle that wanted to escape from your throat. 

"Go home, Y/N."

"But I don't wanna go home, I wanna see you."

"I thought we were done for sure this time" he mentioned, recalling the last conversation you had had. "What happened to never seeing each other again?"

You could hear the smugness in his voice. You were sure he was smiling on the other end of the line and for a moment you regretted dialing his number. The bastard knew you would eventually give in. He had told you so that very same day you swore to him that you would never see him again. You had laughed in his face, calling him arrogant, but in the end he was right. You could never stay away from him.

"I changed my mind" you muttered to him, swallowing what little pride you had left. "Can I come over?"

With a sigh, Matt agreed. Maybe you were screwed, but he was no better than you. He was as addicted to the feeling of euphoria that coursed through his body when you were together as you were. He needed you like he needed air to breathe, but he wasn't willing to accept it. He preferred to drown in the emptiness of loneliness if it meant you would be safe. Although he often ended up giving in to his selfish desires. He was just a man after all.

You didn't waste any time, as soon as you hung up the call you typed a quick message in the group chat you shared with your friends to let them know you were leaving and got into the first cab you found. Even though Matt's apartment wasn't that far from the bar you were in, the drive felt like forever. Your heart was beating fast and the tingling of anticipation replaced the effects of the alcohol in your system.

When you reached your destination you practically ran up the stairs, and when you found yourself in front of his apartment door you didn't even have to knock for Matt to greet you. The wood suddenly swung open, revealing the figure of the man you had missed so much these past few days. You admired him silently for a moment, your eyes traveling from his messy hair to the pair of gray sweatpants that hung loosely on his hips. 

You lost what little control you had left, throwing yourself at him and capturing his lips in a desperate kiss. Matt grabbed you by the waist, pulling you tight against his body as you buried your hands in his hair, reveling in his closeness.You lost yourself in his embrace, intoxicated by his presence. The smell of his cologne filled your lungs as his soft lips moved against yours with such passion you couldn't help but moan at his assault. He bit your lower lip, knowing the effect it had on you, and your mind was clouded with desire.

You closed the door with a loud kick and pushed Matt through the hallway, your lips touching at every moment. You only separated for a brief second to take off his shirt, your fingers tugging at the fabric until his muscled chest was revealed. And then your lips were on his again, kissing and biting desperately. Matt's hands travel under your shirt, his fingers igniting fire deep inside you with their touch. Pure electricity ran through your body as you clumsily made your way to the living room, forgetting your purse and jacket somewhere in the floor of the entryway. 

You pushed Matt onto the couch, admiring the way the street lights coming through the windows framed his figure. You stood in between his legs, feeling a rush of confidence course through your body at the slight in front of you. The devil of Hell's Kitchen, completely at your mercy. He was just as desperate as you, you could see it in his expression, in his heavy breathing and in the prominent bulge in his pants. You smirked, taking your shirt off slowly, making him wait before you finally lowered on his lap. Matt groaned when you pressed yourself on him and you felt him twitch under you. You bit your lip to avoid letting out a moan, repeating the movement a couple more times at a torturously slow pace. You enjoyed teasing him,it was your way of getting back at him for all the shit he put you through. It was you way of showing him that he was just as fucked as you were. 

"This is the last time we'll do this, this time for sure" you whispered against his lips, knowing full well that it was a lie.