#But people get very disproportionately angry about it anyway LOL

[is-the-owl-video-cute]

yknow its gotta be really nice and refreshing when you get the occasional anon who does a weird little mix up/gets something wrong, and instead of doubling down and being a weirdo they just politely own up about it. that has Got to be really nice and cool as a change of pace

it is very rare.

[kittenintheden]

okay listen I'm so tired lol

I am a fandom old. I've been around the freaking block like eight dozen times. I'm at the point in my life where I enjoy media because it's FUN and ENRICHING for me personally, rather than something I base my identity on. I adore the community that happens in fan spaces (mostly).

here is why I never trust an anon that's clearly just being a dick: I've been in way to many scenarios where people who aren't even invested in the thing just think it's so fucking funny to watch segments of a community fight with each other. it tickles some part of their lizard brain. their mom never taught them not to be an asshole to strangers. idk.

there's a political term that you may or may not be familiar with called astroturfing. it's frequently used in marketing and politics to falsely create the image of vast public support for something that doesn't actually have all that much natural support. for example, people who don't especially have strong feelings about trans issues being encouraged/paid/instructed to respond to any and all trans support a certain way. responding to blogs, sending letters to the editor, posting on message boards, etc. their goal is to create a broad public perception that most people are anti-trans (untrue).

and it works. entire fucking laws and legislation and protests and fearmongering come out of that shit. people make up FAKE PROBLEMS (cis men dressing up like women to go be pervy in public bathrooms???) and spread the word via bad actors and controlling the public discourse. the media conglomerate that gamed Facebook to disproportionately support asshole authoritarian alt-right clowns and got them elected was EXCELLENT at it.

a similar thing can happen in fandom, ESPECIALLY when that fandom is a haven for women, POC, queer folk, and other minorities. you guys might remember GamerGate and SadPuppies? yeah all those fuckers are still active and still purposely being shitty at every given opportunity because they think it's funny to make the "libs" fight amongst themselves.

look up #yourslipisshowing if you're not familiar. it was a movement by Black Twitter (specifically Black WOMAN Twitter) to expose bad actors who would create accounts posing as Black woman activists, learn the surface-level terminology, and just purposely cause discord in leftist spaces under the ever-familiar activist method of "being morally pure is a thing that can exist."

anyway: any time I get an ask or comment without a name attached that is very obviously intended to poke me in a sore spot, I delete that shit and assume it's some fucker trying to start fan drama for kicks. even if I'm wrong, I still don't need to feed into that shit. this is my fun, happy space. I'm an activist and do activist shit and get angry at the world in real life, I don't need it in my little fandom corner of the internet too.

which is not to say that shitty fans and shitty fandom takes don't really exist. they very much do. but I don't give them much air unless there's an actual name attached. and even THEN it can be hit or miss because people can and do create fake accounts if they're especially dedicated to being a shithead.

so: if you're minding your business and some goober comes into your ask box with shit that's clearly intended to push a button, give it like 24 hours to cool down and decide if it's actually worth it to respond. for me, most of the time I determine that it's not.

don't get me wrong. calling out bad behavior in fandom IS IMPORTANT and SHOULD BE DONE. I just also think it's important to try and find the joy and camaraderie in these spaces as much as possible and that people who try to disrupt that for jollies suck real bad and give a disproportionate perception of "what X fans are like."

in summary, my philosophy is be the best person you can be, be as kind as is warranted, focus on the parts of your fandom that make you happiest, and carry a big stick for when the jerks won't take a hint.

also like. shitting on other characters to prop up your fave is such a freaking middle school move. are you in middle school? if so, I'm sorry. if not, I'm still sorry, but for a different reason.

[wordstome]

✨💫🤍☯️

✨What's a fic you've posted you wish you could breathe life into again and have people talking about it? (or simply a fic you wish got more credit) I haven't put out a lot yet, and I'm very fortunate in that everything I have posted has gotten as much if not more love as I could have anticipated. I've always had at least a handful of people asking me for more of what I've written, and I can't thank you guys enough for that <3

💫what is your favorite kind of comment/feedback? I love when people go into detail about what specifically in my writing they enjoyed, or how my writing made them feel. I know it takes more effort, and I appreciate everything you guys say, but the ones that are brave enough to share what they're thinking are so special to me.

🤍what's one fic of yours you think people didn't "get"? I'm tempted to say Shrike, but that was not for lack of trying. People gave me a lot of love for Shrike and I do think people appreciated it more than I could have ever anticipated. I think I only feel this way about Shrike in particular because I personally think there's a lot of untapped potential in that au, and I just haven't explored it yet. So it's mostly on me more than the readers.

☯️how do you think engaging with each other through tumblr, twitter, comments, kudos, creates healthy fandom experiences? How do you deal with that if you're not a social person/experience social anxiety?

If you have something to say, say it!!! Speaking up and engaging with people is how you make connections with people, and how communities are formed. If you like what someone's writing, compliment them! If you can't stop thinking about a writer's story, then tell them, and 9 times out of 10 they'll be like I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR SOMEONE TO TALK TO ME ABOUT IT.

I know it's very frightening to reach out and risk being embarrassed, or worse, have someone you admire and whose work you like make fun of you or block you. I once said something that in hindsight was pretty annoying to a creator I used to admire, and their response was wildly disproportionate and very angry. After I calmed down a little I understood where they were coming from, but I also understood that I didn't deserve that reaction, and I stepped away from their content. (They turned out to not be such a good person anyway so lol)

What I recommend with if you're anxious about interacting with people online is that if you're anxious, then you're already doing things right. It's like how if you're worried you're being narcissistic, then you're not a narcissist because narcissists don't care about being a narcissist. If you're worried about how you'll come across to people and worried about upsetting or offending them, it means you care. It means you're going to be polite and respectful of boundaries to the best of your ability. And if you get it wrong, that's okay. It might be embarrassing or hurt really bad if a creator reacts poorly, but there are some important things to keep in mind:

You tried your best. It's okay to make mistakes. You can't know everything about everything.

If you upset a creator, it will hurt a lot if you think they have the wrong impression of you. It sucks bad. But to get over this feeling, you just have to keep reminding yourself that it is not personal, and it does not mean that you are a bad person. You don't need to prove anything to anyone, and other people deserve space if they've been upset. It's okay. I know you're sorry. I know you wish it happened differently. But sometimes the nature of the internet is that wires get crossed.

If a creator humiliates you on purpose or disproportionately blows up at you, that is not your fault. As long as you stay open to the possibility that you may have done something wrong, you don't need to shoulder the entirety of the blame. Sometimes a creator's just having a bad day, or they're just not handing this particular thing very well. It's important to strike a balance between "maybe I could have done that better" and "they're still being an asshole about it though". Stay open to criticism, stay reflective of your own actions, but also remind yourself that you don't need to take others' abuse or the brunt of their bad moods.

Remember that there are a variety of reasons why you might not get a response or a reaction. It's not worth it to fret over whether or not it was something you did. Just don't think about it <3

The vast majority of creators love to talk about their work. Reach out. Nine times out of ten you'll receive a positive response. And if you don't, it's okay. You know what you intended to do, and that's enough <3

[lonestarbabe]

If TK relapsed at age 26 he was clean for probably 9 years. However I'm a bit confused how he directly walks into a dealer and just bought some oxy out of the blue after he was clean for 9 years. Yes, Alex split up with him but the question is did he really wanted to kill himself. Don't want to sound rude but sometimes it seems like he suffers from borderline. Maybe I'm completely wrong but this dramatic reactions are quite common.

I have a lot of thoughts as always lol.

We really have know idea how long he was sober for. We know it'd been multiple years based on what TK said, but other than that, we can't say for sure how long it's been. Even if he was sober for nine years, it wouldn't be unusual for him to still have thoughts of having drugs and he would still know how to get those drugs. I wouldn't be surprised if there were many other occasions when he considered having substances, and in those times, he could have made plans about what he would do to get those drugs. Or like even little things could be a trigger and remind him of when he was using oxy. And bigger life events don't necessarily directly correlate to how someone is going to respond or whether they will relapse. A small issue can be that final straw. The whole Alex thing was a pretty big deal, and it spoke to deeper fears within TK, so I think he was dealing with more than just heartbreak and I would guess his abandonment issues were at play as well when he was making his decision.

As for the suicide thing, I know this is contested. I do think that he was suicidal on some level when he took the drugs, but I also think even TK is a little confused about his state of mind. In my head canon, he got the drugs and when he got them, he didn't have any suicidal plans. I think he used them, and he was possible met with a lot of complex emotions about what he'd done. You know the type of mentality where he was like "I've already ruined everything. The sobriety I worked is gone. I should just give up" Like, he got stuck in the all or nothing thinking where one mistake means he might as well keep making mistakes and double down on his behavior. And then I think that all kind of spiraled, and he sort of thought, there's no way to make this better, and maybe impulsively took more oxy than he normally would and maybe he wasn't like "I'm trying to die," but more like "if this kills me so be it." Anyways, an accidental overdose is certainly plausible as well.

I have considered the BPD angle for TK before. He definitely has some of the symptoms, and sometimes his actions really scream BPD to me. I also don't think they'd ever commit to this diagnosis on the show. Though, it would be pretty great to see a character with BPD who wasn't a criminal or evil like characters with BPD often are. and looking at TK's relationships, you see certain patterns. Like, even the limited content we see of Alex, we get a lot of insight. I suspect that TK felt the relationship slip away so that's why he decided to propose because he was trying to avoid feeling rejected. Or there have been hints that he idealizes and devalues people. Or he also has his identity issues. He very clearly has the risky and impulsive behaviors. We see a lot of mood fluctuations with him, and he can have angry outbursts that are disproportionate. So, yeah, there's definitely a case to be made.

**Also, just as a note, and I know the intention here wasn't bad and that English isn't always people's first language and whatnot, but I prefer the word sober to clean because clean is stigmatizing (in that the opposite of clean is dirty, so that creates the connection that addiction is dirty) , so I'd like I'd prefer using sober on my blog!

[kinetic-elaboration]

April 14: 2x15 The Trouble with Tribbles

Back to watching TOS on Wednesdays! We’ll see if I can keep this up because I do prefer it to Fridays.

Today’s episode: the Classic (tm) Trouble with Tribbles.

Starting out with a little test for Chekov lol. Just Chekov, his mentor, and his mentor-in-law.

My mom called Chekov “Kirk and Spock’s little project,” which I think is hilarious but also probably true. Only 22 years old and on the bridge crew? Private quiz by the top two people on the ship? Legit interpretation.

“It was just a little joke.” / “Extremely little, Ensign.” Classic Spock burn.

The Organian Peace Treaty--from Errand of Mercy??

I really do feel like Kirk is genuinely amused by Chekov.

You would never guess from this intro about tense diplomatic situations and number-one-top-priority-triple-red-alerts that this was going to be a crack-y episode about space bunnies.

Oh no, a fake red alert! Kirk is really angry now.

Kirk and Spock are very Married today.

STORAGE COMPARTMENTS?? StOrAgE cOmPaRtmEnTs?

WHEAT??

Do not try to imply that Spock doesn’t know things; he is contractually obligated to show off.

Canadian wheat.

Honestly, just let Kirk call it wheat.

Spock is using diplomacy to reign Kirk in. Sarek would be proud. And Spock would be insulted that Sarek is proud.

Kirk is very Sassy today.

Omg the waitresses have little wings.

Spock taking the wheat from behind his back and giving it to Kirk like a magician’s assistant.

I feel like Kirk is bitter about the wheat because it’s the one (1) thing he’s not a nerd about. And he’s from Iowa too!! He should know!

Uhura listening to the salesman; well she IS here to shop, after all.

Is it alive? Is it cute? Oh who am I kidding, I can see it’s cute!

Oh no the tribble is eating the grain.

Uhura is truly adorable.

I can’t believe she just made a joke about never getting any shore leave and here she is, back at her station again.

Can you even imagine AOS Kirk being tasked with protecting a bunch of grain? HE would make Iowa jokes.

And Spock is trying so hard not to laugh.

Tbh I have a real soft spot for these frustrated Kirk episodes. Poor, long-suffering Kirk. So much more serious than all of the nonsense going on around him.

I like this space station design.

Klingons on shore leave. They just want to have some fun. No bowling alleys on their ships!

Technical journal time for Scotty!

“I am immune to their effect....” Sure. What’s funny to me is that Kirk actually is immune to their effect. Truly at no point does he seem charmed or amused by or even interested in the tribbles, except in their capacity as Klingon detectors at the end

“I think they’re old enough [to be adopted].” Lol how can you tell?

One look from Spock reigns Kirk in. #spacehusbands

Oh, you noticed there are 11 tribbles instead of 1? How astute.

“What do you get when you feed a tribble too much?” / “A fat tribble.” This is ACTUAL DIALOGUE. Oh, Kirk.

Honestly McCoy is a medical doctor, so it kind of would make more sense for Spock to be doing these tribble experiments but he has his hands full with Kirk

Kirk is awfully insistent upon Scotty taking shore leave when he should very well remember what happened last time

“You’d think he’d be a vodka man.” And he is!

Klingons don’t understand Kirk at all. He IS a little soft <3

Where’s that post that’s like ‘the AOS writers just listened to this one Klingon speech about Kirk and wrote his character based on that?” I mean... not totally inaccurate.

Actually it is a potentially interesting speech. Is this really how his enemies see him based on his reputation? Or is it just, like, a bunch of generic insults you could apply to pretty much any captain of a group you didn’t like?

Poor Kirk, missing out on this fight scene.

Lol the drink joke. Does it make sense? No, but it’s funny all the same.

“Captain’s log: I am forced to cancel shore leave.”

Angry Daddy!Kirk and his unhelpful children. You’re ALL grounded!!

“No this is not off the record!” Not even gonna debate that Scotty.

This whole Kirk and Scotty scene deserves an Emmy.

Spones + Tribbles

The extra hilarious thing about Spock talking about the uselessness of the tribbles and Bones defending their cuteness as being an end in and of itself is that Spock DOES canonically like soft, pleasing animals. Even in this episode!!

The tribble wants to be captain.

Kirk collecting tribbles lmao.

“Don’t look at me, it’s the tribbles that are breeding.”

The tribbles are bisexual. Just like Captain Kirk. (Yes this is two different uses of the term that mean totally different things and I do NOT care I just like hearing the word “bisexual” in DeForest Kelley’s voice.)

I feel like Uhura must be so lonely.. Trying to talk to Spock about the moon. Meeting shape shifting aliens who become native Swahili speakers just for her. Trying to buy love in the form of small, cute animals.

The tribbles have been taken from their predator-filled environment. I am VERY curious about their native environment now. What eats tribbles?

“It’s you I take lightly.” Honestly this level of sass almost makes AOS Kirk seem IC.

“Licensed asteroid locator and prospector.” Brb changing careers.

“But he is after my grain!”

Kirk saying “au revoir” is funny on its face for how he echoes Cyrano what’s-his-face but also because it reminds me of Shatner saying “I’m from Canada, so I speak French.”

No, the tribbles got in his food! That is the last straw.

It’s hard to tell because it’s covered in tribbles, but Spock appears to have a very odd looking salad. (Or that large piece of fruit is a tribble, really hard to tell.)

Spock’s “fascinating” was so quiet.

“They’re into the machinery all right.” First, lol, and second, isn’t Scotty supposed to be in his room thinking about what he’s done?

You can really see that missing finger.

Gonna beam down some tribbles too.

And now to top off this bad day: the indignity of having a bunch of dead tribbles fall on his head. To wacky music.

“Gorged? On my grain?” It’s more likely than you think.

And like........you realize someone off set is just continuing to throw little puff balls at Shatner's head at regular intervals during this whole scene? One just bounced right off it.

And the answer to the tribble problem is literally “stop feeding them” which is so obvious that I assumed it was just harder than one would think not to feed a tribble. Since no one fed them. And they continued to eat.

I also love how Bones comes into his best friend literally buried in tribbles and doesn’t even blink.

Whereas Spock’s here with his mouth this thinnest possible line, trying not to laugh.

They like Vulcans! They have good taste.

Spock is definitely that type that has secret low self esteem so he builds himself up with confident comments at every opportunity.

“He’s a Klingon, Jim.”

Kirk REALLY likes threatening the Klingons with tribbles.

I feel like leaving Cyrano to single-handedly clean up the tribbles over 17 years is not a punishment that makes sense because like... must the station live with the tribbles until then? Also, where is he to put them?

I think they should be returned to their native habitat to be eaten by predators according to the natural cycle of life.

Are we to understand that SPOCK suggested beaming the tribbles on to the Klingon ship? Perhaps I have underestimated his prank war abilities.

I’ll be honest, this ep is very entertaining and for that reason one of my favorites, but I don’t know that it paints the Enterprise, and Kirk in particular, in the best light.

Like... I am really torn on Kirk’s treatment of the undersecretary. I know he often doesn’t much like administrators and diplomats and other people who don’t seem to have much RL experience, and certainly this Federation official got on his bad side immediately and understandably by misusing the red alert.

But... Kirk isn’t at all subtle about not liking him. I mean he literally says “I don’t like you” and that’s just objectively unprofessional, which he is not. The sassiness was way unsubtle, which could be funny, but it just didn’t seem IC.

I can almost justify it because of the red alert mix up--that’s everything Kirk hates: violating regulations, showing disrespect to him and his crew, uncalled for manipulation--and I think he has the right to be upset about it. But he continues holding this grudge for a long time. It feels like it’s just as much about not personally caring about the grain as about anything else. Like he’s dismissive about the grain because he personally has never heard of it. So obviously it’s not important.

That’s too much that conventional-wisdom arrogant, dumb Kirk for me.

I guess I just don’t understand, why so much hatred for the undersecretary? Because his two biggest sins were the red alert and employing a Klingon. But as I already said, I think Kirk’s ire is disproportionate to the first offense and no one knew about the Klingon until the end--because a tribble, not Kirk specifically, found him out.

Otherwise..this guy was right! The grain was important, losing it or having it sabotaged would have very bad consequences for the Federation, it is Kirk’s job to guard it, and he should do it well. He was also right that the Klingon threat was real!! He’d brought in the Klingon threat but he was still right about it existing. The Klingons did in fact sabotage the grain! And although we hear at the end that there was magically more grain out there... I don’t get how or from where.

Furthermore, he used the red alert specifically because he seemed to think Kirk wouldn’t rush over to protect the grain otherwise, and Kirk is so dismissive of this “just wheat” that he kinda proves the guy right!

Anyway, I can see the grains of this Kirk (lol pun not intended) in his general characterization, but it’s too over the top, to the point where it’s OOC. He does take his job, including the diplomatic aspects of it, very seriously, and I think an IC Kirk would protect the grain, and maybe be only occasionally, subtly sassy to the undersecretary.

But this was such a crack-y episode overall... it was like everyone was turned up to 11 and pushed slightly to the side.

It was a fun ep though with a lot of very classic scenes, and it’s another reminder that Spock likes soft, adorable animals.

I will admit that I actually do not think the tribbles are particularly cute. They kind of weird me out. They’re just lumps of fur.

Next is The Gamesters of Triskelion, which I vaguely remember as a decent but not great episode.

[mickibloo]

The fact that people can sit through films like Dominion and make jokes like 'lol more like Dumb-Minion this movie is just crybabies getting upset over eating burgers' further cements my view that all humans hate animals and thrive on their suffering. There is no compassion, no empathy in the human race, nothing but pure hatred and sadism for anything that looks or behaves differently to us. I genuinely hope that the entire human race is destroyed by this virus.

Living in a nonvegan world has pushed me down holes of misanthropy where I’ve developed similar views. It’s really hard living in a world where over 90% of people are not only complicit in the role they play in the mass torture and oppression of some of the most innocent individuals to exist, but will also make fun of the animals, their oppression, and the people fighting against it (vegans). I’ve often described this phenomenon as dystopian and Orwellian, a description which (in my opinion) becomes very obvious when you actually consider what the animal agriculture industries look like (grinding babies up alive, boiling chickens alive, slaughtering mothers and their children, etc.) And to make fun of that is completely, ineffably, evil and disgusting, and I view anyone who does it with such a level of disgust that it would be impossible to overstate. 

But I do think there is compassion and empathy for these animals, and I see that in people such as yourself and the other vegans who advocate tirelessly on behalf of them. And I think what is important is that we continue to push the vegan movement to grow and become stronger, since the recent rapid growth of veganism has proven to be very detrimental to the animal agriculture industries (particularly the dairy industry). I think it is certainly tempting to see people such as the person on the “Dumbinion” post and feel hopeless, lost, and angry at the world. I feel like that too sometimes, and as I previously alluded to, there have been times in my life where the depression and anger I felt towards humans as a whole as a result of their attitude towards animals was so overwhelming that it was hard to function. But I’ve come to see that there are genuinely good people out there, people who really are working to make the world a more compassionate place for animals, and a better place overall, people who actually are making a noticeable, tangible difference. And so while there are far too many people who adhere to the attitude of the person on that post, I have personally found it beneficial to consider that they are not representative of everyone, and to not assign the same level of guilt to all humans, one reason being that there are a lot of underprivileged humans who are also the victims of animal agriculture and the corrupt and oppressive systems that keep them in business, and these humans also tend to be the ones disproportionately affected by the virus. 

I think what also helps are those moments someone tells you that you’ve opened them up to veganism, or that they went vegan because of you. Those are also wonderful reminders of the good that still exists in the world. I think vegans, and I am *definitely* guilty of this, tend to focus a lot on the negativity that comes from nonvegans, and this can make us forget about the positive change that we’re doing. It’s also helpful to follow farmed animal sanctuaries, and see those rescued animals getting a chance at the happy life that they all deserve. So perhaps we can also make an effort to remind ourselves and others of the good, because otherwise the bad becomes what we fixate on and is what shapes most of our view of the world.

Anyway, sorry for the long post. I hope that there’s at least something I said that helped you out. It’s hard living in a nonvegan world, and it can be even harder learning how to deal with it. I wish you the best though. 

[amphtaminedreams]

The Eras of Lana Del Rey: Lookbook no.9

Hi to anyone reading,

Hope you’re okay! AND that you didn’t end up here because you searched the Lana Del Rey tag so you could see people ranting about her-you’re about to be very disappointed. Sorry. This is not about to be some Question for the Culture discourse because the world is bleak enough right now and the last thing we all need is to be reminded of that saga. 

Being a Lana Del Rey fan is easy, they said. She’s not a controversial artist, they said. And yet 2020 had to do what it does best and fuck everything up. 

Whether people like her or not, it’s made me so angry reading all the abuse she’s been getting about her appearance for the last couple of weeks, because I really thought that if we could agree on anything it was that attacking individuals for the way they look because you dislike something they’ve done (with the exception of shit like racist tattoos and blackfishing) is, you know, awful and judgemental as fuck? Like you do realise when you treat the word fat as a pejorative that the fat people you don’t have a problem with understood that you meant it as an insult too? I think what all those people tweeting about Lana’s weight, and that includes some of her fans, are forgetting is that she was in her early 20s when she was thrust into the limelight. As much as there’s this conspiracy that her dad bought her a career in the music industry, she’d made the decision to go it alone and had lived in a trailer park as a struggling musician for years. On top of that, we have the unreleased tracks with lyrics seemingly referencing an eating disorder in her younger years. OF COURSE her body is going to look different. Why is it that we treat weight gain as an inherently bad thing without any insight into the other factors that constitute a person’s “health”?��It’s fucking insane that so many feel they have the right to comment on other’s bodies in the first place and it breaks my heart that she might be reading these comments. This wasn’t intended to necessarily be a rant about how much I love this woman but all the shit I’ve read about her on the internet these past few months have pushed me to it. You'll respect your queen of alternative music or I shall stan twice as hard on your behalf. You can thank me later when you come to your senses xoxo

I’d love to say it was intentional that I finally finished this post the week Violet Bent Backwards Over the Grass was released but that would imply I have my shit way more together than I actually do. If I’m being completely honest, I’ve only heard L.A Who am I to Love You so far 1). because I want to wait for the hard copy for the rest and that doesn’t turn up til September and 2). because I do not have my shit together, lol. That being said, there is no doubt in my mind that I am going to love it-one thing I have always loved about Lana’s lyrics is how well they paint a picture and this is something that poetry only more freely allows for the exploration of. That ability to create such a strong narrative voice and atmosphere is a talent that extends to her visuals and the production of her records too, and is something I really missed when it comes to the Norman Fucking Rockwell era. I’m just going to say it: a strong aesthetic is to NFR as memorable songs are to Lust for Life. Lacking. Am I allowed to say that as a fan? The collaborations don’t do it for me, okay, and as as NFR is concerned, aside from The Greatest/Fuck It I Love You video which went down the whole neon surfer girl route, it’s hard to identify a cohesive theme. It’s understandable that at this point, she would want to just focus purely on the music, and it goes without saying that NFR will stand the test of time in that regard but I don’t think we can deny that when people think of Lana in the future, it’s not gonna be a green windbreaker that comes into their heads.

^Illustration credit to Filip Kozak (https://filipkozaksart.tumblr.com/?fbclid=IwAR3vwLX2pNxoFNhTPD1ky14LllPqlLtL1GxGlD79xuHxdtzcHLw-6aNBZWo)

And here’s where this Filip Kozak illustration comes into it; after years of it sitting in my camera roll for years, it finally has a use. There’s really nothing better to illustrate how mundane life has become this year than the disproportionate level of excitement my photo-hoarding-self experienced realising it would fit perfectly into this post and is thus eligible for deletion. Up there with being able to fit a whole box of biscuits onto the shelf at work rather than having to individually take out as many as I can and then shove them on top of the existing box of biscuits one by one. Truly riveting content on this Tumblr page. Back to the point-by using this as my stimulus for the post rather than the Lana Del Rey albums as outfits tag that went round on Twitter, I can conveniently exclude NFR as an outfit inspiration category, and that saves me from having to buy a charity shop windbreaker with its price bumped up 150% by some upper middle class Depop e-girl or boy who uses the word peng as a descriptor like it’s a nervous tic. To make up for leaving out NFR, I’ve tried to branch out a bit and do the outfits not just based on the music videos or album covers but also from street style and stage looks and photoshoots from around the same period too. It was hard not to be influenced by the general “vibe” and sound of the albums either when I was planning outfits, whether it’s the grand, orchestral instrumentals of Born to Die or the 70s psychedelic rock inspired riffs of Ultraviolence and hopefully that’ll show as well! Enjoy:D

Born to Die (Release Date: 27th January 2012)

It’s been 8 years, and when you ask most people what they think of when they hear the name Lana Del Rey, they’ll probably dismiss her as the one who sings about being sad and doing coke and sleeping with older men. That’s the Born to Die impact. Say what you want but it’s one of only a handful of albums released by a female artist to have spent more than 300 weeks on the Billboard 200 chart and it really established the mythos of “Lana Del Rey” because before all this, before all the think pieces from other women claiming she’d set feminism back hundreds of years with her music, before she ousted grayscale Effy Stonem as the queen of angsty teen Tumblr (which as you can probably guess was a subsection of the internet I was very much engulfed by, lmao), she was just Lizzie Grant, a relatively normal aspiring singer songwriter in her early twenties. But as Lana Del Rey, she was someone else-some beautiful, mystical being that personified the sentiment of being born in the wrong era. Whilst every other singer’s record labels seemed to be trying desperately to thrust them into the future and keep them on top of all the musical and stylistic trends, it was refreshing to hear someone whose music and visuals captured all the most glamorous elements of the past. Part Priscilla Presley/Jackie O reincarnation (the National Anthem video really illustrated how Lana is just as much a storyteller as she is a musician), part high level mobster’s wayward wife à la Michelle Pfeiffer in Scarface, she was the good girl by day and the bad girl by night, and I think that’s a duality we can all relate to or would like to think we’re interesting enough to relate to deep down.

Her style from around this period was EVERYTHING. She had those grungy Tumblr girl elements, the camo jacket and the oversized pieces and the leather jackets, but she also heavily drew on the styles and silhouettes of the 50s and 60s with the beehives and the new look Dior inspired cinched waist dresses. Even now in 2020, I think this period is what most people would think if they were asked to describe Lana’s style. I made sure I got the grungy pieces in there with the chunky boots and the vinyl and the oversized leather but the foundation of her looks back then were usually these daintier throwback pieces like the white silk dress and the corset and the mint fur trimmed coat (House of Sunny’s Penny Pistachio coat).

Favourite lyrics from the album? “Now my life is sweet like cinnamon, like a fucking dream I'm living in” from Radio. Nobody asked but I’m gonna give it to you anyway.

Born to Die: The Paradise Edition (Release Date: 9th November 2012)

Lana’s Paradise EP contains probably my absolute favourite song of her’s, Ride, and with that, the beautiful opening monologue that will stay in my mind forever. This era was of course ushered in by Tropico, the short film that included the premiere of the songs Bel Air, Body Electric and Gods and Monsters, which established the ethereal tone of this period-it’s in the name, after all. Both the album and the videos were other-worldly and leaned heavily on religious symbolism which I’m sure pissed off many a middle-aged bible basher at the time. Most prominent in her lyrics were reflections on the freedom of the open road which corresponded with visuals of biker gangs and desert dwellers and modern interpretations of the Wild West, as was an attempt to capture the nature of the so-called “American spirit” which as Lana portrayed it shared more qualities with a kind of celestial, transient being than any kind of solid concept or identity. She played an emotionally detached stripper and a haunted saloon-style-bar singer (almost looking like a runaway bride) and Eve the “first woman” all in the same album and honestly, if that’s not iconic, I don’t know what is. We saw SO many incredible red carpet looks in this period too which built upon this idea of her as the fallen angel tempted by original sin that Tropico established; I feel like this era was all about laying bare the soul of the character she played, this broken, delicate but ultimately liberated being that was so dangerous to the idea of the strong, stable modern feminist ideal. She went about it in COMPLETELY the wrong way in a post that betrayed the ignorance of the privilege she has as a white female performer, but I think this is what she was getting at in it and Ultraviolence only went on to bolster her critics.

In response to the criticism she still receives about the choice to wear a Native American war bonnet in her Ride music video, I’d like to say that it really seems like she’s learnt from that-actions speak louder than words and so though it’s not my place to say whether this makes up for that error, the work she’s done with Native American reparations-focussed foundations since and the money she’s donated to the cause says a lot about her intentions. Again, I want to stress that it’s not my place to say! But it’s a detail that is often overlooked so I thought I’d mention it here. 

“I was a singer, not a very popular one. I once had dreams of becoming a beautiful poet. But upon an unfortunate series of events saw those dreams dashed and divided like a million stars in the night sky, that I wished on over and over again, sparkling and broken. But I didn’t really mind because I knew that it takes getting everything you ever wanted and then losing it to know what true freedom is.”

Ultraviolence (Release Date: 13th June 2014)

AH, Ultraviolence. My favourite of Lana’s albums and imo, a masterpiece. ONE skip. ONE. Sorry Guns and Roses. I got stoned in my back garden and listened to this (for research purposes ofc, heh) and ended up deciding that this is what I want to listen to when I die (also whilst stoned). It sounds dramatic but listening to this album in that state of mind is such a heavenly experience that I’d be too zen to notice myself slipping away into nothingness on the basis that if I didn’t as long as I could stay in that bubble of awe, nothingness forever wouldn’t be so scary after all. I know, I know, that sentence has big Jaden Smith’s old tweets energy. But if an album is what helps me get over an existential crisis, I beg you allow me the nonsensical ramblings about how I felt like I was ascending into the stars.

Though in terms of the lyrical content the public perception is probably correct, I think the reputation Ultraviolence has as Lana’s darkest, most gothic album (which is something I’ve in incorporated into the outfits I put together) is mistaken; instrumentally and visually it drew more on 70s psychedelic rock and the bohemian counter culture of the period than anything, and her stage looks are a clear reflection of that, and also the outfits I was most excited to channel. It seems counter-intuitive to the moody atmosphere I associate the tracklist with but it’s my go-to summer album; it’s raw (probably her most stripped back work along with NFR, lots of the songs are barely edited) and it’s gloomy but let’s be real, hot as fuck-don’t bother making a sex playlist, just put Ultraviolence on shuffle, and you’re good to go. This was the album where Lana debuted some of her most criticised lyrics and where the notion that she glamourises abuse comes from, one of the points she also seemed to be getting at in the Instagram post, but imo it’s fair to say that she sang truthfully about the initial allure of a dangerous relationship and the nature of the mindset that facilitates staying with somebody poisonous where you do feel like you’re nothing without them. Turning horrific experiences into romantic tragedies is how Lana has always made her music and yeah, out of context there are some fucked up lyrics on the album, but policing how a woman expresses her trauma and complaining that she glorifies weakness because she wrote honestly about the reality of a complicated partnership is hardly any more “feminist” than the lyrics themselves. I can only guess that the reason Lana felt the need to bring up this criticism in 2020 is because these darker themes are going to be revisited in her upcoming album and that in spite of the issues with the way she expressed herself, this time critics will be more accepting of how she chooses to address these themes. 

On a lighter note “yeah my boyfriend's pretty cool, but he's not as cool as me” will always be a great line. Simple but effective. If my boyfriend ever is cooler than me it’ll be doing Lana a disservice.

Honeymoon (Release Date: 18th September 2015)

Considering that a lot of other Lana fans are of the opinion that this is her best album, I find it weird that I really don’t remember all that much about this period, other than High by the Beach being released and then hearing Salvatore and Freak for the first time. I guess because she didn’t do a Honeymoon specific tour and didn’t make that many public appearances in this period? It was definitely harder for me to find visual reference points beyond the HbtB music video and the cover art, so I mostly drew on the general vibe of the album, a cinematic accompaniment to a summer in Italy or the South of France, filled with exotic instrumentals and the sense of impending romantic doom that Lana does so well. I suppose if I associate the visuals of this era with anything it’s idyllic florals and warm tones, bygone country club pool days, a rich American’s vacation in Southern Europe, long walks on the beach (and as our Lord and Saviour Jujubee once said, big dicks and fried chicken). Apparently inspired by Lana’s relationship with Francesco Carrozini, it’s a hazy story of some ultra-feminine, submissive archetype becoming unhealthily enchanted by a mysterious “foreign man” who’s ultimately not all that good for her, which as the story goes turned out to be quite prophetic. Going against the grain, it’s my least favourite of her albums after Lust for Life, but in spite of that, I will always remember how obsessed I was with the sax riffs (I think? I don’t know my instruments all that well so forgive me, lol) on Freak and I definitely understand why it’s a firm favourite for so many.

“You could be a bad motherfucker, but that don’t make you a man.” was truly a cultural reset of a line.

-on an unrelated note, OMG, I never realised how I have my mouth open in literally every fucking photo I take, somebody tell me how to pose, please and thank you-

Lust for Life (Release Date: 21 July 2017)

Lust for Life is a controversial one. On the one hand, I appreciate that this album was the victory cry of a happier, more independent, politically-aware Lana in spite of it apparently being a far more optimistic sounding album than the one she wanted to release, but on the other there were way too many collaborations for me and this meant that the album lacked a sense of cohesion and the characteristic narrative thread that usually runs throughout her tracklist. Aside from Love, Cherry, Get Free and Tomorrow Never Came, most of the songs on the album aren’t hugely memorable and it’s a crying shame that a collaboration with STEVIE FUCKING NICKS of all people left so much to be desired. Coming from two witchy icons, I expected something absolutely magical so maybe I was setting myself up for failure, but come on. We could’ve had a real anthem there.

Aesthetically speaking however, this is one of my favourite eras for Lana, which is unsurprising when you consider the tracklist contains references to both Woodstock and Coachella. I’m not gonna lie, I think seeing Coachella fashion in my early teens was my style awakening-I remember seeing Vanessa Hudgens’ outfits and being like, wow, I want to be her (oh, what a fall from grace)-so the late 60s/early 70s flower power groupie style Lana adopted in this period really spoke to me. It was all long hair and dreamy pastels, and this era included some of the most head-to-toe coordinated looks we’ve ever seen from her. Of course I couldn’t completely abandon the grungy touches that I love, that I tend to associate with the early Lana street style days and the Paradise and Ultraviolence music videos rather than with this album, but I’m never gonna pass up an opportunity to whack out a good floral two piece and putting together Lust for Life inspired looks is the perfect excuse to do that.

So, that marks the end of this post! If you made it to the end, thank you so much for reading! I have a Yesstyle lookbook and review to edit but now that I’ve finished that, I’m trying to go down more of a style inspiration focussed  route with my lookbooks rather than just putting together outfits from clothes I’ve just bought (though I might still do one every so often to bring in a new season-let’s just ignore the fact that they’re all blending into one bc climate change for now, one catastrophe at a time please universe). I find that if you have a specific idea in mind of what you want, it’s super easy to find something similar on Depop and Ebay and that way you avoid buying new things and also take old things off a person’s hands that might otherwise end up being thrown out by a charity shop and then dumped into a landfill from there. Something I’d LOVE to do before this year is out is put together a lookbook based on the most stylish TV shows of the last decade, but that probably won’t be for a while-even so, if you have any recommendations of series to watch which could fit into this category, let me know! 

To finish, I need to go a little bit off-topic so forgive me, but I truly don’t know why this even needs to be said: WEAR A FUCKING MASK. IT IS NOT A POLITICAL ISSUE. IT IS A BASIC HYGIENIC PRACTICE THAT HELPS SPREAD THE STOP OF A HIGHLY CONTAGIOUS DISEASE! RUDIMENTAL SCIENCE! NOT A CHANCE TO PROVE HOW “EDGY” YOU ARE! SERIOUSLY, STOP MAKING A FUCKING PANDEMIC ABOUT YOURSELF! NOBODY ENJOYS WEARING THEM BUT THEY HELP PROTECT OTHERS! SO UNLESS YOU HAVE A VALID MEDICAL REASON NOT TO BE WEARING ONE, DON’T BE A SELFISH PRICK! 

Sorry to sign off on a rant-y note with something that has nothing to do with Lana, lol, but all the stupidity has been grinding me gears lately and I had to let it out on behalf of all retail workers: if we can wear a mask for 9 hours at a time, YOU can tolerate the mild discomfort of wearing one for 10 minutes. I know this doesn’t apply to the majority of people but there’s always a couple of arseholes, isn’t there!?

Stay safe,

Lauren x

[theboywhocriedbooks]

Like a Love Story by Abdi Nazemian

[Goodreads]

It's 1989 in New York City, and for three teens, the world is changing.

Reza is an Iranian boy who has just moved to the city with his mother to live with his stepfather and stepbrother. He's terrified that someone will guess the truth he can barely acknowledge about himself. Reza knows he's gay, but all he knows of gay life are the media's images of men dying of AIDS.

Judy is an aspiring fashion designer who worships her uncle Stephen, a gay man with AIDS who devotes his time to activism as a member of ACT UP. Judy has never imagined finding romance...until she falls for Reza and they start dating.

Art is Judy's best friend, their school's only out and proud teen. He'll never be who his conservative parents want him to be, so he rebels by documenting the AIDS crisis through his photographs.

As Reza and Art grow closer, Reza struggles to find a way out of his deception that won't break Judy's heart--and destroy the most meaningful friendship he's ever known.

Thoughts:

Spoiler-Free Thoughts:

This was a book that I instantly became excited for when I learned what it was about. It discusses queer love, HIV/AIDS, NYC, the late 80’s, and those are all right up my alley. I’ve personally spent a lot of time educating myself about this history, be it in classes such as the one I took that focused on QPoC and HIV/AIDS specifically, or online, so you can say I’m pretty invested. I even wrote my own short story that focuses on similar themes (more on that some other time). Those parts of this book were so great, to an extent. One of my favorite historical moments is the St Patrick's Cathedral protest in the late 80’s, the die-in, where an individual can be heard screaming ‘You’re killing us!” and that made it into this book. So many other important historical moments made it into this book and I think that is its strongest aspect. 

I was also excited about this book because it discusses this topic AND is by a person of color, an Iranian American specifically and one of the main characters is Iranian American as well. I felt like, ‘who better to explore themes of love and friendship during this time than someone who was alive during that time and also is a person of color’, aka, a voice I don’t hear enough of when discussing this topic. So much of this book is important! The queer Iranian representation, the queer youth rep during this time in history, queer sex + safe sex, the iconic activism, and even just some of the general references. I respect this book for that alone, for attempting to tackle it all and doing some of it very well.

Unfortunately, I had a lot of problems throughout the book. I know one or two might be very biased and personal things, but I know there are some I would like others to know or talk about. This includes: love triangle/melodrama?, general pacing, Madonna, the white characters, cis-normativity, privilege, the pov’s, and more. I will discuss that below, so run to read the book (if you want) or continue to read my spoiler-ful thoughts!

Spoiler-ful Thoughts:

I feel like some of what I have to say might be controversial so bear with me. For context, I am a young queer Mexican-American writer from Los Angeles, and that’s where I’m coming from with this, identity wise.

I was so stoked to hear this history told in a PoC perspective but aside from the author being of color, I don’t actually think I got a PoC perspective??? Let me break that down. First of all, the story is a multi-pov that alternates each chapter from Reza, Art, and Judy. Realistically, 1/3 of the story is told from the Iranian American character’s eyes. Then the other two are white characters. That itself is where I began being a little iffy (because, again, I was excited about a young PoC pov on this topic) but I was open, especially because I enjoyed them all in the beginning. I just didn’t understand why we needed a straight ally’s point of view? Overall her arc fell flat, aside from the cute moments of fashion design or that moment with Reza’s brother surprisingly. I would have been okay/would have preferred if it was just Reza and Art’s pov though.

In relation to Judy, the whole romance between her and Reza and then Reza and Art was so overblown and unnecessary. Reza didn’t need to date her, though that is a valid and relatable gay teen feels. I wish it ended in that “oh!!! you’re gay, wait!! lol let’s be friends then!” thing. Instead, she’s in love with him for half the book, super pushy with sex and gets extremely upset with Art for… liking Reza, and then you don’t ‘see’ her much throughout the rest of the novel anyway? It just felt so unnecessary, and so love-triangle-y. I did really like Art’s “you don’t understand how it is to like someone and be gay” speech cos felt valid to gay teen vibes, but that could have just been said in a way less dramatic argument? It really made no sense to me.

Before we leave Judy, lets touch on privilege, specifically white privilege and class privilege. Reza’s family, was once poor but now filthy rich. Art’s family, filthy rich and white. Judy’s family, allegedly shown to not be ‘rich’ by the two lines that say “my friends’ rich parents gifted us that cos we’re not as rich as my rich friends” and yet there is really no discussion on that any deeper than that. Like why are her parents not shown working, her mother especially? And her uncle? He lives alone in an apartment in the upper east side or whatever, and doesn’t work anymore? I might have missed that but I shouldn’t be able to just ‘miss that.’ Like, how did they pay to go to PARIS. It just didn’t at all feel like a story I could relate to or one that this history could relate to entirely. Like, even them having a whole ass wake/party thing for her uncle in a night club? Most people who died of AIDS complications didn’t get that, especially not ones who aren’t from ‘not-rich-families’. It was subtle and yet the smell of privilege was everywhere.

Then even Art and Reza’s relationship was also weird? It was forbidden then it immediately wasn’t and they were in love, due to one or two time jumps that really did not help to build their relationship at all. Okay though, some teens love easily, especially gay teens who don’t know many other gay teens so it could slide? Then, however, there is this really real and valid fear ingrained in Reza regarding AIDS and gay sex. He is terrified, and I loved (and hurt) for how terrified he was because it felt reasonable. What I didn’t love was, knowing this, Art was also super pushy sexually? Do you realize he, at multiple times, tried to pressure Reza into sex and once even got naked and pushed his body against him? Doing this after full well knowing how uncomfortable Reza was? No, thank you. From the author’s note in the book, I felt like MAYBE this could have been intentional and not meant to be an extremely positive? While that could be a stretch, it also doesn’t at all criticize or directly address this toxic behavior so boop.

This brings me back to not feeling like I get a QPoC perspective. Reza is our main queer person of color, and really the only prominent one (Jimmy was a rather flat character). Yet, everything else revolves around whiteness. I already addressed Judy taking up space as a narrator. Then there is Art, the super queer activist teen. He is mostly where Reza learns all the queer things from, and he is mostly the perspective where we see the queer action/activism from. Then, who is the elder HE learned everything from? Stephen, the gay white poz uncle of Judy. THEN, who do they frame EVERYTHING around? Madonna, the straight white woman. 

Sure we hear about Stephan’s deceased Latino boyfriend and, as I said, Jimmy didn’t have much character to him aside from wearing a fur coat, saying “my black ass,” and helping move Stephan’s character along. He also has one of the few lines that directly addressed qpoc, where he says qpoc are disproportionally affected by AIDS but no one is talking about it. Ironic. It almost rarely addressed PoC throughout the rest of the novel. Heck, it almost never addressed trans characters either. What about the qpoc and trans woc who were foundational to queer rights movements that take place before this book? Sure he name drops Marsha P. Johnson, in passing, on the last page of this 400 page book, but why not mention them in depth even in one section?

Someone asked me, why does the author HAVE to do all of this. Why do they have to representing everyone, like Black trans women. Isn’t that unfair? My answer is no, it’s not unfair in situations like this. This author isn’t writing just a casual romance/friendship story. No, he is heavily touching on so much literal queer history and yet leaving out so many key players that are so often left out because of white-washing that happens in history. He didn’t even have to name these people, but just addressing that they are there as a community. Instead we get two or three throwaway lines about Ball culture after they “went to a ball that one time,” a random line from Jimmy, and a Marsha P. Johnson name drop at the end. It is honestly disappointing. 

Even framing everything in the words of Madonna was a bit much for me. Sure, I know of her history and importance to queers so this is one of the more biased parts of this review. I just don’t think we needed several references to her every other page. I then screamed when, not only did we time jump like 20+ years (gays don’t do math, sorry) and the last quote is Lady Gaga! Oh, my god. I won’t linger on the white popstar allies because it’s not worth it. In regards to that time jump, though. It felt unnecessary as well, just trying to tie it all up with a bow. It’s reference to Pulse seemed random, and honestly felt a bit cheap, but so did lots of the things I’ve referenced. 

Lastly, why did Art abruptly lick Reza’s lips out of nowhere, or when he was angry it was shown by saying “ and his brow sweats”? Anyway, I’m bummed out. I haven’t been reading as much this year or writing reviews but here I am, writing a novel-sized review basically dragging this book. I liked it enough to finish, and I think it’s important. I know some queer kids reading this will love it and learn from it but I just couldn’t help but realize that right under the surface, this book was sort of a let-down.

Thanks if you read all of this, and also sorry at the same time. Share your thoughts!

[super-rainbows]

mtnbvwsew

Rainbow: that’s honestly the worst thing I’ve ever seen in my fucking life.

Ethan: If it helps, most people agree with you.

Rainbow: no. I still want to throw up just knowing it exists.

Ethan: *hugs?*

Rainbow: <3 anyway, are you okay?

Ethan: Yeah, I think so. I don’t know.

Jamie: So I was kinda right about why you were scared. :P

Ethan: I guess. It seemed very overanalysing-ish and so on.

Jamie: Yeah, I get what you mean. I mean, I thought so too, which is why I let it go and was like “yeah you’re probably right” when you said it wasn’t that.

Ethan: But yeah, this all seems like it has to be fake. Why would actual mental health professionals act like the piq thing is actually bad or traumatic or worth caring about? Why would they not act like I’m being ridiculous? Why would they act like my reaction is valid and not disproportionate? It doesn’t make any sense and I feel like I must have misled them somehow. It just seems fake.

Jamie: Yeah, so that seems like you’re finding it hard to process or come to terms with.

Ethan: Probably ‘cause I’m not high enough. :P Oh, @.Rainbow: Sorry for being bad.

Rainbow: you’re not bad, dw. anyway, you took diet pills and stimulants so you probably more than compensated anyway.

Ethan: Anyway, so, why would I find it hard to process when I’ve already processed it before?

Jamie: Well, you did do most of the processing while high? So that could be it?

Ethan: Could that really be it?

Jamie: I think so.

Ethan: So what, I just have to start again? Over and over and over?

Jamie: Hopefully only once, after you get off codeine.

Ethan: Will it just be like going right back to when I was 13/14, or will be it like going back to when I was 16/17?

Jamie: I don’t know. I hope it’s neither.

Ethan: I know the addiction group facilitator said that addiction can kinda stop your emotional development from whenever you started. But since it was on and off and pretty short when I was 14/15, what would that count as?

Jamie: idk, maybe subtract one year for that? So when you were 17 you would’ve been stuck at like 16? But then once you hit 18 you would’ve been stuck at 17ish, and then stayed that way.

Ethan: Hmm. I feel about 18, like that’s the oldest age it doesn’t confuse me to say.

Rainbow: but then we also have trauma and autism to take into account. in terms of coping mechanisms though, I see you going back to 13/14. as in, somewhere between @.% and “some fucked up mix of literally everything”. but maybe the dbt will help with that?

Ethan: I don’t know. I’m scared of coming off codeine and I don’t want to, but I also want to just come off it and get it over with as soon as possible so I can be allowed do the other therapies.

Jamie: I think going too fast would be detrimental, though.

Rainbow: oh yeah, this is irrelevant, but I love ___’s wifi password! I know you said you’d (we’d, I guess) try and forget it, but it’s just so great. xD it’s like my and Jamie’s passwords, or yours for playstation network.

Ethan: Not exactly, but yeah, I like it. :P And I’ve forgotten the corresponding email address (or hopefully will soon), so it’s probably okay.

Ethan: I guess I should try and do the java thing.

Jamie: Yeah, if you want/can.

Ethan: I just need to write something that’ll check if it’s solvable. But how am I meant to do that?

Rainbow: didn’t they give you code for that? for figuring out if it was an “odd” or “even” permutation?

Ethan: I guess. Oh, I get what they mean by “inversions” now! They mean within the same array, not compared to a different one. So within the same array, how many lower-index numbers are greater than higher-index numbers. That’s literally it. This is great! That should hopefully be really easy to do, so then after that all I’ll need to do is the documentation part, which I don’t totally understand.

Rainbow: seems like it’s just write about what your program does?

Ethan: I assume for the solvability part, I can just shove that into the “board” class?

Rainbow: I don’t see why not. oh yeah, do you know which gaidhlig things you don’t have?

Ethan: No. My bag is a mess of papers, and I haven’t got the printer set up anyway.

Rainbow: it’s not like you’re gonna sleep soon anyway. you took like a 5 hour nap and then took caffeine pills.

Ethan: I just won’t bother doing them, and/or figure it out tomorrow. I’ll live without getting 100% on coursework. *suspicion*

Rainbow: it’s okay, you’re good. you know that, and we know that. I will say that I don’t think cutting words into yourself has any practical use, like nobody can even see them or anything, but I have no room to say anything, lol.

Ethan: Yeah, but I know they’re there. That’s the point. And also that I wanted to hurt myself, though it didn’t hurt very much.

Rainbow: hmm. the amount of blood was kinda concerning. part of the L looked kinda deep.

Ethan: Nah, it’s fine. I mean, you see them now. They stopped bleeding pretty quickly and closed fully and everything. 

Rainbow: I guess.

Ethan: I didn’t intend to do both, but only having a word on one leg was asymmetrical and I didn’t like it, and I hadn’t been sure which one to do, anyway.

Jamie: Hmm. :/ What exactly is a good way for you to try and get to the point of being like, “the things that happened were bad and wrong, and the way I feel about them and reacted to them is valid” etc?

Ethan: I don’t know.

Jamie: I guess it’s a rhetorical question, really.

Rainbow: isn’t that the whole point of counselling?

Ethan: But I’ve been told those things by lots of people before. Why would being told them by different people be different somehow? Why would the hundredth or whatever time suddenly be the time that I don’t fail to understand it properly?

Jamie: *shrugs* idk, it’s therapy, isn’t it their job to convince you of things like that? I guess?

Ethan: Ugh, there’s a DCLRS this week. Oh, isn’t the assignment due at noon (on Friday)? Ideally I’ll work on it tomorrow and Thursday and hopefully finish it before Friday anyway.

Rainbow: Martha’s gonna be here a week from Friday. try and remember that. :P so yeah, Friday’s a lot of things, but mostly it’s the day that, a week later, she’ll be here.

Ethan: <3

Rainbow: you should really go to bed soon, btw.

Ethan: I guess. I have to be up at 7am, right? But I did sleep earlier.

Rainbow: yeah, but I don’t think it really works like that.

Ethan: *shrugs* Oh well.

Rainbow: if you wanna do gaidhlig stuff tomorrow that might be a good idea. if the wifi works and if you can figure out which ones you don’t have.

Ethan: I’m not sure if any of them were assignments. I might just ask in the group chat if there is or was anything due.

Rainbow: yeah, but they don’t know which classes you have or haven’t skipped, and you don’t even know that. it doesn’t matter or anything, so please don’t worry, but yeah. are you okay?

Ethan: Yeah. Are you?

Rainbow: yeah, for now, lol.

Ethan: I’ll try to block off anything bad from you.

Rainbow: you shouldn’t upset yourself like this.

Ethan: I don’t care. The feelings don’t exist unless I’m feeling them. I need to know that it’s there or valid.

Rainbow: I get it. I just don’t want you to be hurt or anything.

Ethan: I know. I’m sorry. I’m apologising for yelling and scaring you in general, by the way.

Rainbow: yeah I got that, lol. it’s okay, I don’t hold it against you. it would be too complicated to try, but you know I’ve been super easily upset by everything recently so I really don’t think you’re the problem. if ygm

Ethan: Yeah. But still, I never want to make you hurt or sad or scared, so I am sorry.

Rainbow: and I know that. we’re at kind of an impasse or whatever since I know you do care and don’t want to upset either of us and do stop yelling when we ask, but I also don’t like it when you yell and hit your phone etc, but I also know it would be hard for you to not do or even think anything at all in response to being upset. so... idk what the solution is there.

Ethan: If you really think both sides equal, then we can both just try halfway. As in, I can try to stop yelling at objects, and if you really think it’s bad for you to be upset by that you could try and not be? But I don’t think it is. I think it’s like the way I get upset whenever my mum is drunk. Like yeah, technically she’s allowed be drunk if she wants to, but she knows it upsets me and keeps doing it anyway.

Rainbow: hmm. yeah, I think it is kinda like that, except getting drunk requires a lot more time and effort than yelling at something in your head. I can’t just ask you to never think in a loud or angry/frustrated tone ever. so yeah, I really don’t know. anyway this is irrelevant so I don’t wanna keep talking about it.

Ethan: If you’re sure. You know, both of you are pretty much the only people I’m willing to try anything like “conflict resolution” or “communication” or “dealing with problems” with. :P

Rainbow: lol. yeah, we know.

Ethan: I guess because “never talk to you again ever” isn’t really an option, and neither is “make sure to never do/mention the thing again”, or at least it’s not easy since it’s a thought as opposed to anything else. As in, if something’s an action then at least there’s kind of a filter since the idea would have to go from my mind to my body, or something. But since it’s in our head that isn’t really there. I know there’s a difference between purposeful thoughts and non-purposeful ones, but it’s more that it’s extremely difficult to keep it away from you or to not do it.

Rainbow: yeah. I guess maybe if you could try and hesitate enough to ask if you can yell at your phone or whatever, and/or to warn us right before it so we can either be prepared or try to mute you.

Ethan: That’s probably the best solution, so I’ll try and do that.

Rainbow: cool. also go to bed soon.

Ethan: I feel so blank and numb and fake.

Rainbow: please go to bed soon, seriously.

Ethan: I know.

Rainbow: don’t hurt yourself or anything.

Ethan: I know I literally upset myself, but still.

Rainbow: it’s okay. anyway, please go to bed. you need to be up in like 4 hours, right?

Ethan: Yeah. But I feel awful and I don’t want to do anything ever. I just want to scream and die.

Rainbow: usually I’m inclined to be like “okay” but you only have phonetics or whatever it is once a week, and it’s the first class of the speech science part.

Ethan: Yeah. I’m not gonna not go to it. I know I should go to bed. I just feel so awful.

Rainbow: :/ I’m sorry (sympathy). *hugs*

Ethan: It’s fine. It doesn’t matter.