#But like it is what it is I'm not dwelling much on it for the most part.

[dulcescorderitas]

age gap? w/ 𝓫𝓪𝓫𝔂!𝓻𝓮𝓪𝓭𝓮𝓻

the two of you are sprawled across his couch, the remnants of a lazy afternoon stretching into the quiet of evening. the soft hum of some old record plays in the background, filling the space with a kind of nostalgia that wraps around you both. your legs are tangled with his, your head resting on his chest as his fingers trace absent patterns along your arm.

"you ever think about it?" he asks, his voice low, almost hesitant, like he's testing the waters before diving in.

you tilt your head up, catching the serious set of his jaw, the way his eyes flicker toward the ceiling. "think about what?"

he pauses, the rhythm of his fingers stilling for just a moment. "our age gap," he says finally, his tone careful, like he's trying not to spook the question away.

you blink, considering. it's not something you've dwelled on too much—not with the way he makes you feel, how easy it is to just be with him. "not really," you admit, shifting so you can see him better. "should i?"

his lips curve into a small, rueful smile. "i guess i just wonder if it bothers you. if people say shit or if you ever... i don't know, second guess it."

"do you?" you ask, your hand coming up to trace the line of his jaw, fingers brushing over the scruff that's always just a little uneven.

he catches your hand, pressing a kiss to your palm. "not when i'm with you," he says, his eyes darkening as they meet yours. "but when i'm alone, sometimes i think about how much younger you are, and i worry it’s gonna make things harder for you."

you smile softly, leaning in to kiss him, slow and reassuring. "j, you wanna know what i think?" you murmur against his lips, feeling the way his body relaxes under yours.

"always," he whispers, pulling you closer.

"i think you're the best thing that's happened to me in a long time," you say, brushing your nose against his. "and i don't give a damn about what anyone else thinks. you make me happy. that's what matters."

he exhales, a long, relieved sound, his arms wrapping tighter around you. "fuck, y/n," he murmurs, voice thick with emotion. "you have no idea how much i needed to hear that."

you kiss him again, letting the moment stretch, letting the warmth of your words sink into the spaces where doubt had started to creep. the age gap? it's just a number. what you have is something bigger, something that makes all the noise from the outside world fade into nothing.

author's note: i lowkey feel like jensen wouldn't care too much about the age gap, but would definitely worry about how baby feels with what the press says.

taglist: @iloveeveryoneyoureamazing @legalmente-loca @bluemerakis @gibson-g1rl

[my-secret-shame-but-fanfiction]

Cariño [Part 7]

Jake Lockley x f!Reader • Rating: 18+ pals Masterlist• ao3• want to be tagged? | request info • buy me a coffee? •

Series Masterlist

Summary: The story comes to an end.

A/N: I know, it's been centuries, chapter 6 was posted in June 2023 (the shame), but here is the ending. Finally. Honestly, I'm not very happy with this story as a whole, but now it's done.

Warnings: kissing, p in v sex, cream pie, oral (both receiving), reader can't speak Spanish, not beta read, please let me know if I have missed a warning!

Word Count: 3239

You had gone to Jake’s room early the next morning and knocked. No answer. 

You’d tried calling his phone, the one that worked yesterday. His number was out of service.

After speaking to the front desk, you found out he had checked out the night before, barely two hours after you had last seen him. 

A little after 8am you received the rest of the money into your bank account, payment for the job. 

It was fine. Really. 

He is an adult. He could do what he wanted. He didn’t owe you anything. 

But it hurt. A lot. 

You pushed the feelings down deep until you could almost walk on them. There was no need to dwell on this, dwell on him. But your thoughts kept migrating back, like a compass needle swinging north no matter how hard you shook it. 

You got ready and boarded your flight, not home, but to another job. Procuring and authenticating a Ruben, the honest, legal work you had pushed back a little so that you could get Jake his ankh. 

It was simple enough, practically a done deal and you were home and paid within two days. 

You heard through one of your contacts that the day after his party Edward Malay’s mansion had caught fire. He had seemingly died in the blaze. 

All you could think of was the look he had given you when Jack’s hand was on your waist. 

You let the rest of the following week slide by without any work, your heart just wasn’t in it. But by the Wednesday Detective Eric Peterson, the officer who worked for the police art and antiques unit, had called you asking for your help and promising you weren’t going to get hit in the face again this time. 

You took the job and got on with your life. There wasn’t much else to do. 

.

It was evening on a Friday night, and after trying to stop yourself from nodding off in front of the television you finally admitted defeat. Switched it off and got up to go to bed. 

There was a knock at the door. Ordinary and repetitive. 

You frowned. Waited a moment before moving closer to the door, keeping your footsteps light. 

Ever so carefully you checked the peephole and saw…

Jake. 

It was like a pin had been pushed through your chest, a sharp and small and perfect pain. 

Jake.

He hadn’t knocked like he usually did, forgone that familiar, distinctive sound.

You swallowed and opened the door. There was a split second when his gaze fell on you, the tiniest moment where he seemed to disappear and be replaced by someone else.

“Jak-”

 He surged forward before you had even fully opened the door, his hands cupping your cheeks and his lips meeting yours. 

The force of his actions made you step back as he stepped forward, moving with you so that the kiss remained unbroken. 

You froze, surprised and questioning whether you had actually fallen asleep on the settee and this was all about to become some half remembered dream. 

He pulled back, crestfallen, mistaking your shock for rejection. 

“I’m-”

You didn’t let him finish his sentence. 

You moved forward, grabbing hold of his jacket and pulling his mouth back to yours.

He let out the sweetest little moan as he kissed you back, wrapping his arms around you as his tongue slid into your mouth. He nudged the front door shut with his foot before he walked you backwards and further into the room. 

For a moment he pulled back, breathing hard, his hands still on your face. “Cariño,” he stroked his thumbs over your cheeks, seemingly searching your eyes for something and kissing you again deeply when he found it. 

You wrapped your arms around his shoulders and the back of his neck, running your fingers through the hair that wasn’t covered by his cap at the nape. 

Slowly he continued to urge you back until your legs nudged against the armrest of the settee. You let out a small moan as his tongue danced over yours and pushed you back into the sofa, his right hand coming around to press flat on your back and keep your descent slow and controlled. 

You pulled off his hat and pushed his coat from his shoulders, urging it down his arms as he shimmied it the rest of the way down and climbed on top of you. 

He slid his right hand down your side, your outer thigh, before hooking his fingers under the back of your knee and pulling your leg over his hip. He pressed in close, lightly grinding against you for a second until you pressed at his lower back with your calf and pushed him fully down. 

The fiction sparked pleasure along your veins, burning into your skin as you clawed at his shirt trying to pull him impossibly closer. 

“I’m sorry,” he managed to mutter between kisses. “I shouldn’t have just taken off.”

You kiss him back fiercely, “You don’t owe me anything-”

“I do cariño, I do.” He kisses down your jaw, nipping lightly at your skin until you yelp. You can feel his smile as he presses his lips to your skin to ease the burn. 

“Jake,” You pull him back slightly, tugging lightly at his hair so that you can see his face. You’re not sure why you’re doing this, why you need to have this conversation now of all times. But emotion twists in your gut and won’t let you let this slide. 

His eyebrows pinch together slightly as he moves back, his eyes soft and hesitant. Expecting more rejection. 

You can’t help but stroke his cheek, the beginnings of stubble brush along your fingertips. “Jake,” you repeat and he closes his eyes briefly at the softness in your voice. “You don’t owe me anything, you can do-”

“I owe you an explanation.” He stares at you so sincerely it’s like his gaze is piercing into your soul. “I owe you-”

“Ja-”

“I wanted to kiss you again… back at the hotel. I wanted to…” He moves a fraction closer, his right hand sliding down to your waist as he presses his hips more fully against yours and rocking ever so slightly. 

You bite back the little gasp that wants to escape your lips. 

“I wanted to…” he swallows, his line of sight fixated on your lips as his tongue runs along his own, “make love to you.”

Your heart beats so rapidly that it echoes in your neck. 

“But instead I,” he shakes his head, crunching up his face as he internally chastises himself. “I fucked up, I-”

You silence him with your mouth on his, unable to hold yourself back any longer. 

He moans wantonly against your lips, eagerly accepting your tongue when you lick into his mouth. His hands are cool from the outside air, but it’s a balm to your feverish skin as he slides the tip of his fingers under your top and skims along your hips. 

Jake rocks against you feverishly, groaning happily when you wrap your legs around his waist fully. His erection pressed against you, the zipper of his jeans brushing perfectly along your core. The sensation spikes along your nerves and makes you squeeze his arms in a desperate attempt to pull him closer. 

He mouths at your neck, sucking and licking, paying particular attention to every sigh and hitch of your breath. 

“I have… so much,” he swallows, his voice muffled by your skin. Not able to pull himself away for even a second to speak clearly. “I need to tell you,” he pauses, biting his lip. “There are things that you should kno-”

You take his face in your hands and kiss him again, soft and sweet even though his lips are hot and wet. “Later.”

“Cari-”

“I mean this in the nicest way Lockley, but if you don’t sit back,” you move as you speak, unhooking your legs from his waist and urging him into a sitting position on the sofa, “and let me do what I want, then I’m never going to forgive you.” 

He keeps his hands on you as you gently manhandle him. A soft expression all over his face, as if his heart had cracked under the strain of carrying his emotions for far too long. And now the joy in his chest had no choice but to seep into his skin. 

“What do you want to do?” His voice is quiet, reverent almost. And, in that moment you’re sure he would fall on a sword if you uttered the words. 

You shift back, off the sofa and onto your knees between his legs, your hands on either side of his thighs to push them a little wider. 

The heavy bulge of his erection strains against the denim, practically seconds away from popping the neatly stitched seams. His cock twitches under your gaze and Jake lets out a soft groan as you squeeze his thighs, scrapping your nails along his inseam. 

“I want you to…” You slide your palms higher until your eager fingers can reach his belt. You flick open the buckle, pulling the leather free before you undo his trouser button and start to pull down his fly.

“You don't have to.” He whispers. His eyes glued to your face, his hands balled up by his sides and pressing into the sofa, barely resisting the urge to grab the back of your neck and pull you close so he could rut against the heat of your mouth.

“I want to.” You hold his gaze, slowly tugging the zipper down. 

Jake breathes hard, the air catching in his throat as his cock throbs. It's painful how much he aches, straining against the tough, unyielding fabric. 

He gasps when your fingers touch the skin just about his waistband and eagerly raises his hips to help you pull his clothing down to his ankles. His cock bobs free with a dull slap against his stomach and when you finally take him gently in your hand and kiss the very tip, he nearly comes on the spot. 

You press the palm of your free hand firmly against his inner thigh, a gentle reminder to keep him vaguely still and his legs parted. His muscles tense and twitch, flexing under your fingers.

His voice is weak when he mutters your name, soft and strained. You flick your tongue over his head, swirling twice before pulling back a fraction and look up at him. 

The warm artificial light makes his skin glow, the shadows on the sofa perfectly outlining his form, like a work of art you’d been tasked to assess. 

“Please,” his breathing is controlled even as his chest rises and falls. 

You wait until he starts to continue, to finish his thought, it’s only fair really due to the amount of times he’s teased you in the past with trivial things, before you take the tip into your mouth. 

Jake swears under his breath, his eyes screwing up as he fights the urge to buck and you bob your head slowly before you sink deeper. 

“Fuck,” He hisses, his eyes glazed. 

You hum softly as you suck and lick, relaxing your jaw as best you can to take as much of him as possible. His little pants and gasps for air make you lightheaded, your blood singing as he twitches on your tongue. 

You slide your hand from his thigh, up his leg to lightly roll his heavy balls in your palm. 

“Shit, cariño, I…” He moans, his stomach muscles clenching as he flinches forward. Pleasure sparking up his spine and twisting along his nerves. His orgasm so close it’s almost blinding. 

He wants to press close, to let you play him to your own heart's desire and come down your pretty throat with a scream. 

But he won’t. Yet. 

Jake finds the strength to take hold of your shoulders, “Stop, please.”

You do instantly and he sighs, eagerly leaning forward and kissing you fiercely. Licking into your mouth and groaning when you sink your fingers into his hair. 

He gently guides you into his lap as he hurriedly helps you pull off your clothes and the rest of his. 

“So pretty,” he groans as he mouths at your breasts, suckling lightly as he slides his left hand down your side and presses at your core. 

You shiver involuntarily under his touch, swallowing down a moan as he softly circles your clit with his calloused fingers. You squeeze his shoulders, your hips bucking automatically at the slow drag. 

He hums low in his throat, watching you with dark eyes. Languidly he runs his middle and forefinger over your folds, barely there pressure. “Can I?” He mutters as he rubs at your clit again, hardly even taking the edge of the ache. 

You nod rapidly, “Jake, please, I want you to-” You moan loudly as he presses inside. 

He swears at the wetness that greets him, quickly curling his fingers and stroking as he presses against your bundle of nerves with his thumb. Your fingers dig into his shoulders as he moves, keeping time with the rocking of your hips. 

“That’s in cariño,” he whispers, his voice thick, “take everything you want.” 

You almost don’t recognise the whine that leaves your lips as your own. Pleasure twists and pulses in your stomach, claws at your skin as your thighs burn and shake. 

He litters your chest with wet, desperate kisses, his stubble scraping deliciously over your skin. Somehow he manages to swallow a groan as you tense, his cock twitches, smearing salvia and precome against his stomach. 

“Jake,” you gasp, the weight in your stomach dropping as he strokes and pulls the pleasure from your bones. 

“I’m here, I’m here,” he whines, his voice nearly as desperate as your own. “Please, please,” his throat is dry as he mindlessly begs, transfixed on the look and feel of you. 

You come all at once, your orgasm piercing through your muscles and running like a current through your nerves. Jake guides you through it, holding you close and muttering sweet words and you shake and shatter in his arms. 

He slowly pulls out of you as you weaken, kissing your temple and stroking your back. You press your face into his neck, breathing hard. Your skin is hot but his touch is soothing. 

“I’m sorry I wouldn’t tell you what cariño means,” he whispers, there’s a weight in his chest, a tightness he needs to shift that’s fracturing. “It-”

“I know what it means,” you smile and pull back so that you can look at his face. “I just kept asking to see when you would tell me.” 

He laughs softly, shaking his head. “You’re cruel to me cariño.” He teases, his eyes bright. “Too cruel.” 

You grin before you kiss him deeply, wet and warm as your tongue slides over his. He shivers delightfully as you just scrape your nails over his scalp, lost in your touch. 

His cock presses hot and heavy between your bodies, desperate for any kind of friction and when you angle your hips away from his slightly Jake just thinks you mean to tease him all the more. 

He certainly doesn’t expect you to raise up on your knees while you kiss him feverishly, nor did he predict how you guide him to your centre and just sink down. 

He moans, his forehead pinched together in ecstasy as you envelop him, so soft and warm and he nearly chokes, stammering out swears and please as you squeeze.

“Cariño,” his hands fly to your hips, tensing and desperate as you finally take all of him. 

You rock slowly, moving in a long figure of eight as your body adjusts to his size. The thickness stretching you wonderfully. 

Jake gasps, his fingers digging in as he holds on for dear life. Bliss buzzes along his skin, settles at the base of his spine with a dizzying speed. “I’m,” he swallows, his breath hitches as you move a fraction faster. His cock pulses as it rubs within you, pleasure building and building and building. “I’m so sorry, I can’t, I’m gonna…”

You don’t let up your movements as you lean forward, ghosting your lips over his. “Please,” you dart out your tongue, running lightly over his bottom lip. “I want you to.”  

Jake groans loudly, gasping for air as he pulls you as close as physically possible. His hips thrust up as he comes hard, the sensation whiting out his vision as he calls out your name in prayer. 

‘Thank yous’ fall his hushed whispers from his mouth as he shakes and recovers, his heart racing in his chest. You can’t help but watch him, transfixed in how his face pinches and glows in pleasure.

You’re smiling at him when he opens his eyes, and you brush some of his loose curls from in front of his face as he gazes at you. 

“You okay?” You giggle, joy rising up in your chest at the love sick look he gives you. 

“More than,” he kisses you softly, his strong arms hugging you close. “More than more than.” 

Without warning he twists, moving you onto your back flat against the sofa while staying deep inside of you. You let out a little yelp of surprise that turns into more laughter. 

“I love that sound,” Jake kisses your nose, grinning. “I think it is my second favourite.”

“Second favourite?” 

He nods, “This is the first.” He moves quickly, pulling his softening cock from your pussy only to quickly dip down, kissing your stomach once before he presses the flat of his tongue in one long, slow lick through your folds. He groans as your combined fluids fill his mouth, and your cry of pleasure sounds in his ears. 

He swirls his tongue over your click one way and then the other before he gently presses two fingers on either side of your entrance and stretches slightly, opening you wider. “Fuck, such a mess here.” He groans, biting his lip at how your muscles flutter under his hold before he gets back to the task at hand. 

“Jake,” you gasp as his warm tongue runs over you again, the tip just dipping inside as he flicks up, trying to gather as much of your combined release as possible before he swallows. 

You wriggle under the onslaught, your back arching off the cushions as he works on you, quickly hurtling you towards another orgasm. 

He groans as you writhe, using his hands to pull your legs over his shoulders without breaking his rhythm. He flicks his tongue, alternating between sucking and licking until you’re sobbing and soaking a wet patch into the sofa. 

His fingers knead your thighs and ass cheeks, coaxing you to buck and grind exactly how your desperate body is begging you to. 

Your orgasm takes you by surprise. One second you’re moaning and thrusting up into the wet heat of his mouth, the next you're practically paralysed as pleasure washes over your mind, body and soul. 

Jake groans as you come, not letting up on his onslaught until you're panting heavily and limp. As he sits up you can feel his cock against the back of your thigh, hard and ready once more. 

He grins devilishly, “Can I fuck you again cariño?” 

Thank you for reading!

 want to be tagged? •  if you'd like to be taken off the tag list please let me know here

[tanadrin]

"Zero-sum game" anon returning. I am surprisingly capable of maintaining optimism of the will, but ONLY as long as I stay away from the news or even other people liable to be upset by it. This unfortunately includes not only everyone I care about personally, but quite a few of the larger communities committed to organizing against those who would harm them. Advice to "try to change the subject or else walk away" works mainly for the former, and in any case is much harder to do when it's your own life at stake too.

Last month, you covered a related phenomenon in an excellent musing about the dangers of conflating identity with suffering. "Everyone secretly hates me and is out to destroy me" is terrible enough as a self-concept, but as a rallying point has even more potential for harm. This is where I think an element of peer pressure comes into doomerism: If catastrophizing is part of what holds a group together, then non-participation becomes a perceived threat to unity no matter what the rationale. Never mind that I want to avoid a mental breakdown from dwelling on all the reasons bigots want me dead; plenty of loud doomer activists from multiple demographics would still declare me as evil as a bigot myself for this "crime" of wanting to turn away from our shared pain.

In theory, balanced ways must exist between obliviousness and burnout. In practice, I feel disloyal to anyone I share even the remotest crumb of kinship with for even daring to consider such a thing. And yes, I do realize now how that might be actually be part of the problem.

yeah i'm sympathetic to the whole "sometimes binging news coverage is a huge fucking bummer that drags me down" thing; and there's not actually any inherent virtue to Bearing Witness to the Horrors, especially if you find that shit demotivational. and if people want to make Bearing Witness to the Horrors, or even worse, Being Victim to the Horrors, the non-negotiable determinative element of a shared group identity, the thing you must do to prove your trust and virtue to others, run the fuck away!

people who demand you make misery central to your identity or your worldview aren't just wrong, they are dangerous. they are emotional vampires. they are interpersonal varelse. many people acquire social antibodies against that sort of thing as they mature, but not everybody, and sometimes these kinds of people will try to leverage the mechanisms of shared identity or in-group language to sink their metaphorical fangs into your metaphorical jugular. so for those people that need it, i am giving you explicit permission to tell people like that to Fuck Off. you don't need to give them the benefit of the doubt--it doesn't matter whether they do it on purpose or not. you don't need to feel sorry for them--they will feel plenty sorry for themselves. you don't need to try to help them--they do not want your help. just tell them to fuck off. then ignore them forever. you're allowed!

[phalangemedes]

Ohh see, that's interesting because for all he is patently a big ol' sad sack of long term depression who began with ambitions and morally good-enough goals (a gothic horror heroine ala Dr Jekyll crossed with Ben and Jerry’s) I always felt like there's more of a malicious intent to him. Or perhaps not malicious but.. piquant. That he's not necessarily looking for forgiveness for himself, or in others, but that it's just part of the doctrine of the Houses now. He is the Forgiving Lord, but he leans more heavily on the Lord aspect.

It came through pretty readily with the Necromancer who did the blood wards for Jod, Mercy, Ianthe & Harrow to first enter the River, and his reaction as if their death was a brief annoyance over a commitment from them. Likewise, to a larger scale, when he says he chased the fleeing billionaires on purpose, consumed the planets in their wake, and them (GRANTED, mood, but also it was his admittance that he can be a petty little queen)

In another part Cytherea's 'funeral'; for all Mercy bitches about it it's more of a "I am bored on dwelling on the fact there are less of us!!!" John REALLY hams it up, and I'm never sure if it's him clinging to the last vestiges of humanity or wearing a human mask, because he’s obviously sad, but what’s he sad FOR? Much in the way he pushes to be a father figure to Harrow it just... something feels off and I'm not sure how much is text, subtext, or I've just taken a dislike to him because of what he's done to Alecto (also honestly low key neglecting Ianthe, which is presumably why she chose him, she sees neglect as the default and he is the ultimate position of power in the vicinity)

Which isn't to say John wasn't, if not in some cases still, isn't capable of kindness and some breed of humanity. And 10k years of Godhood is going to fuck a man up, but there was definitely something amiss before his ascension, long before the resurrection. I'm gagging to see how it plays out with Alecto once more manifest seemingly on HIS whims, cause he wasn't exactly shocked, he patently manipulated the tower princes, amongst other things. And it can’t be 4d chess to off himself, because he’s had options to do that…

Also also it sits so odd with me that he went to all that effort to re-make everyone, wipe their memories, make it “perfect”.. and he LEFT G1deon looking like a strip of beef jerky. (In much the same way I believe Pyrrha's memories of before stem from the arm, was it harder to Frankenstein G1deon because there was so much of his tissue left!? Or was he shit on purpose because he’s only detail orientated when it benefits him. Inquiring minds JODATHON.)

There are several allusions to Ortus being bad at being a bone pack mule too, but again, is this because he Doesn't Want To or is it because of something more congenital. And in respects to not knowing a lot about Ortus.. technically he died "off screen" twice. There is a possibility of his return (and at length Nonius AND G1deon) It's not like we know a great deal about the Cessation that's occurring in the River, or indeed what the whole deal is with the Stomas, "hell", Antioch, the Devil's. It's such an untouched subject. Justice for Ortus!

I suppose that opens up how thanergy interacts with different stages of growth, internally or externally. When it comes to thanergic output is there strength in youth? Is it more easier to repair young cells when they already have their own regenerative power? If a twink goes off into battle and gets shredded is it just easier for the medics to shlorp them back together than a 30 something? We don't really see many instances of young vs old in that respect, only necro vs lyctor.

Honestly same, it can be whatever batshit publishing schedule it wants to be (two books? mayhaps a side story compendium of unfinished and maddening snippets, small leather bound book of poetry... a king james bible but she's only highlighted the relevant bits, with gel penned hearts in random places we can argue about as a fandom) I'd even take a random date in 2029 if they were gunna stick to it!

It's toothsome isn't it, there have been acts that are shocking but they've never felt for shock value. Also I am frightened by how much I trust her to do it justice lmao. I think it's because, inherently, they are very obviously her characters who just HAPPEN to be in a book. I've seen a lot of talk about how it has 'fanfic' vibes and I'd argue that's inherently why it feels more padded out, she knows them all inside out, they remain con-- actually no, stopping myself there, they don't remain consistent, they GROW but in a way that is consistent to them as people.

But yeah. I will be such a big baby about Paul. I don't even love them yet, I don't know them enough, but I am nerrvvouss.

HARD agree!!

GtN is the most.. booky, too, I think? Which I mean with love, it has a plot structure and viability to be other mediums in a way that you Cannot further down the list. And was a necessary tone, and bedrock, for the rest. A masterful point in which to enter the universe, where there's still wit and some sense of hope, even if it's tenuous. Much like, tbh, I think Gideon is a perfect action and adventure narrator, in so much as she doesn't really fit the genre, and that suspension of disbelief makes it simultaneously easier and harder to digest. It's a more subtle but no less clever whiplash between tridentarii tits and cremains.

HtN is the first book in a long time that forced me to think (this is not a hard thing to do, I am not the brightest bulb, but to be *thoughtfully* engaged is a delight), not just on plot mysteries, but generally. It's not a passive consumable, you have to be an active participant in it even in future re-reads and that's SUCH A TREAT?? And the horror in it is some of my favourite, it's the creeping unease that you should get from interstellar travel but it's not actually the interstellar travel causing it. It's the loneliness of mental illness, it's the paranoia of untrusted adults who are in charge of you, it's changed in your body that don't sit right, it's comfort in someone you barely trust and the constant roiling grief of knowing something is wrong with you and you don't know why. It is a GORGEOUS and upsetting representation of Otherness.

Yes!! NtN is.. SOFT, it's proof that life continues even when it feels like it shouldn't. It's I think the most sci-fi of the three, if GtN is action adventure haunted house murder mystery (In the same way Alien/s is) and HtN Suspense Horror Thriller NtN is... kinda putting the realism in spec fic? It's situational dystopian novel of manners? It's love and gentility and breakfast scenes and rather than the outside being some bucolic countryside it's just war torn hell. I think it's the most character focussed, too. And I don't think it's JUST cause they're well established by that point because A) most are new B) the rest have been through psyche changing shit.

But like you said, it's kinda impossible to have a favourite, just as it is to separate them. Homogenous lump of beloved. Imperfect beloved too, cause there is fault, but it's such lusciously human fault that it just makes it better, like thumb prints in roman roof tiles, a promise that someone made it from scratch.

Please, no apologies! And ohh fear not life continues to... spiral, but this is supposed to be a chill, time non-restricted fun. I'd say light hearted but lmao who am I kidding, it's as deep or as shallow as we want it. But it was nice to get something in the inbox to look forward to!

I have such a big beef with the way that the TLT fandom talks about Cam and Pal being codependent. I have not seen any word of god quotes that talk about them that way, but it seems to be this widely accepted truth that just doesn't click with my reading of the characters.

Certainly by NtN Pal has a dependent relationship with Cam, as they are sharing a body. There are even some parallels to codependency with how their use of necromancy in Cam's body causes her harm.

What I just don't get about the codependent label is that I don't see Cam and Pal enabling one or the other in destructive behavior. Certainly they partake in risky behavior that Pyrrah criticizes them for, but it seems to be a mutual decision. Cam is just as reckless as Pal is, and possibly moreso.

(And also Pyrrah is a huge projecting hypocrite. Love her tho I may, it's true.)

Pal's quotes about how grand lysis wasn't their inevitable end, but was the best and kindest option left to them complements the discussions we overhear in their recordings. Pal's pursuit of Cam's consent and her enthusiasm in giving it just doesn't match the codependent relationship that fans keep referencing.

[binomech]

some opinions on fanfic trends for Disco Elysium on AO3 for the past 2-ish years; i address racism, ableism, jean and kim tropes, accesorization of harry and the way the game themes appear to have warped.

some of you may know i've been reading every fic published on the disco AO3 tag chronologically since 2019 for a little over a year and jotting down some trends (not a proper statistical study, just some tracking of when certain tropes are introduced and when and how they reproduce because i like observing that kind of thing.) there's been an uptick in trans(masc) Kim and Jean character studies since late 2022-early 2023, among many others, but these ones were like overwhelmingly prolific once they were introduced.

harry, kim and jean are overwhelmingly the characters with most fanworks in the tag. and having read a little over 4k works it turns out that people engage in a very distinct way with them for the most part that tracks with the growth of the trans Kim and Jean character studies as a trend.

the disco elysium fandom's english-language writers are, according to my cursory snooping, overwhelmingly trans, some flavor of gay, white and from north america and western europe. given personal anecdotes, i also suspect they are upper middle class (though not as statistically huge as the previous things) and struggle with mental health. in the past decade or so a lot of fanworks have followed a trend of exploration focused on catharsis and personal relatability.

now, kim and harry appear so much in the text with so much detail that there's plenty of personal details to pull from to write them, where as jean's total presence in the game (rarely achieved in one run but i'm taking into account all his mentions and lines) is smaller so it follows that people need to fill in some gaps and there's more characterization freedom. jean is white, younger than both harry and kim, canonically depressed, non-canonically confirmed by his character player an amphetamine addict but presented as a functional person during the game, and covers a very specific narrative hinge that i understand as relevant: he's a bridge between pre-Martinaise Harry and his Martinaise self.

he's objectively a very comfortable character to play with because he's mostly a blank slate except for his relation to Harry and his vitriolic grief towards him. so logistically i understand why people who struggle with mental health, are white, are anywhere between 17 and 35, are functional and able-bodied and may or may not have a complicated relationship with a close person who struggles with addiction or other health issues might go "YES, GOOD CATHARSIS NARRATIVE FOR ME". but the sheer amount of works that value Relatability over engaging with the characters or the themes has resulted in a very strong ripple. which leads to trans kim.

the game paints a deep and vivid image of kim, both from within harry's own perspectives and the objective things he says out loud. he's a walking contradiction, he's alienated from his body and selfhood, he beat himself into submission to stay alive. he's a walking reminder of his assasinated communist parents, the people who killed them paid his salary, his body (racialized, disabled) is both a hindrance to his assimilation and a tangible proof that he could have belonged somewhere but doesn't, that no matter what he does it will be considered first. so he watches his words, his movements, his appearance. so he partakes in hypermasculinity. he's canonically gay, mixed race, diasporic seolite, and disabled. and somehow, the only one of this that is recurringly explored in most fanworks is his homosexuality, usually in the form of being a guiding figure to harry or as a Fellow Gay Cop to jean, or eyes, or someone else.

now, we have the trans kim trope. my opinion on the trope isn't relevant to the point i'm trying to make, but i will say i think transmasc kim is something i enjoy in theory, i think it's a worthy exploration that works very well with the hauntings of embodiment and perception that exist in kim's canon self. but it's very jarring when all of these tales of gay trans kim refuse to engage with race, or with physical disability. like, after you've read 800 trans kim fics you start noticing how solid that avoidance is, how big the elephant in the room is, and i can't help but think that, coupled with the explorations of Jean, the issue is: the white ablebodied writer is unwilling to engage with race and disability.

my charitable reading of this is that the white ablebodied writer doesn't want to write about what they don't know, they don't want to overstep. my neutral reading of this is that the white ablebodied writer doesn't consider how sexuality and gender's material realities are tied to race and ablebodiedness in the real world because they are the Default Categories and it didn't occur to them that kim's experience of them might overlap. my least charitable reading of this without directly falling into the assumption of ill intent is that the white ablebodied writer is uncomfortable with the idea of the fact that their experience of gender and sexuality isn't universal and it's not as emotionally cathartic to think about how they might be racist and ableist because they put on horse blinders and they're trying to write things they like, and understanding this is unpleasant and doesn't belong in their feel-good hobbies.

people love to talk about kim's body without acknowledging the way asian masculinity and femininity exist in relation to whiteness when it's harry or jean in the room. people love to talk about kim's body without engaging with the power relations that exist in many disabled people's sexuality.

the tropes' strength lies in the relatability factor (very high) and the willingness of both author and audience to engage with the canon material for the characters they are writing (very low). and so you end up with a lot of jean character studies about his feelings towards harry (when everyone but kim in the game also knows both harries, but jean is prioritized consistently) and a lot of character studies about kim (that ignore most of the lived experiences of him because they're directly tied to his and his parents' race and alienation that are not particularly cathartic for the white author and reader)

one of the big themes of the game, if not the biggest, is failure. specifically it asks the player to think about what to do when you have failed and you know there are no blank slates, and asks you to empathize not only with harry, whose every thought you're privy to, but to everyone you talk to that has the same rich landscape beyond your brief interaction. when relatability is prioritized in fanworks, this question falls apart, the purpose becomes to find ways in which these characters are like you (the author, the reader) so you can afford them the level of humanity needed to feel emotions about them.

harry's tropification follows four large trends: self-loathing, aggressive addict, psychic omniscient prophet, overwhelmingly emotional and adoring puppy. some authors sometimes are capable of depicting both, usually as if they are unrelated and it's a harry-esque contradiction, but it's truly baffling how rare it is to find stories that engage with all of them or with multiple of them as inextricably bound together like canon material does. harry needs to be relatably lovable (heartbroken, self-loathing, fixable by love, fixable by the universe, capable of change that gets exponentially better) or relatably hateable (physically and emotionally abusive, manipulative, unreasonably needy).

most fics in the relatable lovability fall on the kim/harry ship, most fics in the relatable hateability fall on the jean/harry ship. here's where it ties into the big tropes for kim and jean: the fanworks about a game that asks a question about failure and questioning certainty become stories about inevitability.

jean's vitriol in the game comes from the same place as harry's self loathing: a visceral response to decades of failure. they're not objective truths (i'm thinking about the mirror reveal being intended as a way to make the viewer realize harry isn't a reliable narrator at all, but especially about himself: you see a regular guy, conventionally handsome but clearly in pain and growing old and sick. he calls himself horrible shit, however).

playing up jean's part as the Bridge is comfortable because it allows the player to separate Harry's failures from their agency as a player (something that greatly drives the point of the game home, emotionally speaking -- you're not that different from Harry. Harry's not that different from anyone else he meets. the irreversible failures exist for all of us, as do the chances to try again.) if jean is right in resenting harry, and moreover, he's objectively describing harry's behavior, harry's failures become logical and inevitable consequences of his Way of Being. if Harry calls kim a slur, or threatens children, or scares civilians, that's just because that's how Harry is (according to Jean and Harry's own brain), so the possibility that one of your tries might be meaningfully good becomes... less weighty. it's a fluke, and you'll fail again, so don't get your hopes up. it's almost an excuse to believe that there's nothing new under the sun and going back to old habits is inevitable, but the conclusion becomes "so nothing i do really matters" instead of "it's hard and painful to try again when you've failed so many times before. what does this say about the person who tries?". and in that way jean is an interesting character because understanding why he resents harry for being able to try more freely than him without the weight of memory is important to the theme. what has to click to start climbing out of the grave? can anyone do it? will i ever do it? why now, and why not when i tried to pull him out?

and similarly, when we write about kim, we have to confront what makes him who he is and not another generic character to write, and the fact of the matter is that being a cop, being visibly of seolite heritage, having PTSD, having a visual impairment on record that interferes with his cophood, his cophood being the only identity he appears to have had a choice over, how he treats harry because he's a cop vs. other harry parallels who aren't, how he treats harry whether harry respects him or not... they're important. and trans kim could be a way to approach these themes but it's currently existing in a vacuum of authorial catharsis, and the refusal to address the real politics that give emotional weight to disco elysium is becoming a worrying, overwhelming trend. i urge you all to think about these things a little.

[thewardenisonthecase]

btw tw for talking about abuse

I've seen a lot online about how the game never mentions Caterina's abuse of Lucanis while he was growing up (being beaten and starved, which is mentioned in the Wigmaker Job) and I think there's a small mention to it if you're a crow (when asked, he says it was torture training under the first talon and that he resented her for a long time)

And while I do think part of the reason why this isn't brought up is just due to how sanitized this game is when it comes to the crows, I think I do understand why in world wise it's not possible to just be like hey lucanis, fuck your grandma.

It's really hard, loving someone who hurts you. Because you know they're hurting you and yet, you still love them. It's even harder when they're family.

Because its not like Lucanis doesn't know that she hurt him. He says so himself - he hated her, he resented her, and althought I do think him 'justifying' it by saying that at least it prepared him for the life of a crow, at least he still admits that it happened.

But the thing is that despite all this shit, she's still his grandmother. And like, yes, blood shouldn't excuse justifing this behaviour, I feel like it's cultural. Idk how spain or italy works when it comes to family, but here in brazil, you'll hear so many stories of physical abuse happening in families, and its still a situation like Lucanis - i hate them, i resent them, i love them, they're my family.

It's a...complicated situation and I think Lucanis's situation is made worst by the fact that he only has two family members alive and that he cannot let go of.

She beat him, she starved him, he hated and resented her, and he was afraid of dissapointing her, even if in her eyes, i don't think he could. I mean, he comes back an abomination and she still tenderly says 'my poor boy' when you rescue her in the Villa.

All in all...it's tought and I think that it would not be Rook's place to suddenly make Lucanis want to kill his grandma bc he wouldn't. Sorting out those feelings is something he has to do himself, and i'l almost glad the game doesn't make rook do a therapy session with him to talk about it.

[screwpinecaprice]

Reposting a connverse I made in 2021. Well, specifically posting this again after editing a few stuff.

I had been so bothered with how I kept editing Steven until I made his silhouette floppy-looking. So I fixed it a bit.

And that this was suppose to be flipped in the first place (which was why Connie's nose piercing was on the right side on the original.)

[garygoldenbignaturals]

yes i think ai art bad and the mass feeding using hundreds if not thousands of unauthorized work is detestable but you need to root your argument in anything else than "art should have soul" or worse, be in support of goddamn copyright laws

[lunarharp]

figured i'd do this again..bit early i guess..

[mushyruuu]

ive missed u & ur art sm 🥺 I adore it sm :^)

Ahh, thank you!! ;-;

I'm actually so positively overwhelmed with the response and everyone is so kind! Thank you all so so much ❤

Sending you warm hugs! 🫂

[icewindandboringhorror]

Recent images I suppose ~

[cienie-isengardu]

Just a bit about MK's gender swap of Sektor and Cyrax

Unless there is a solid reason behind such a choice, I’m not a big fan of turning established characters into a different gender. Since Cyrax and Sektor’s gender has never played any vital part in their relationship with Bi-Han, Tomas or Kuai Liang, I can accept the gender swap for now, although my final judgment will depend on how those characters will be used in the upcoming expanded story.

That said, I have some legitimate concerns about those changes. For one, if this is NRS’s way to introduce more female fighters, then I’m pretty offended. I’m still awaiting the return of Sonya (one of the original cast!). There is also Sheeva, D’Vorah, Jade, Frost, Skarlet, Khameleon (already mentioned in intro dialogues as Umgadi), Sareena (as actual character not supporting background cameo), Jataaka, Kia. There is Harumi that definitely deserves to be flashed out beyond Scorpion’s fiance/wife, not to mention a chance to introduce us to a totally new female protagonist, like Raiden’s sister. Or NRS could bring comics!Hydro as a woman (or gender-fluid hydromancer. I’m not picky, though I doubt the NRS has any intention to explore gender issues beyond characters being women or men).

And let’s not forget about Cassie Cage & Jacqui Briggs, but those two as New Generation may not fit yet into the story, which is understandable. 

I’m happy to see Sektor and Cyrax back, but there are plenty of female characters that deserve no less to be brought back into lore and I’m afraid that gender swapping Cyrax and Sektor is NRS’s way to kill two birds with one stone. Bi-Han’s supporters are important to expand the Lin Kuei vs Shirai Ryu conflict, but by being now women, their presence on the roster reduces the chance of other female characters.  

The second, more prominent concern I have is the fear that the game will rely on or imply there was romance - still ongoing or in the past - between Bi-Han or Kuai Liang with either Sektor or Cyrax. I said it countless times before that I see Sub-Zero as aromantic & asexual so any romance for him simply doesn’t work for me, but that is actually beside the point.

My point is, if the major addition to the relationship between Lin Kuei characters will be Sektor and/or Cyrax having romantic feelings for any of the brothers and for that addition NRS needed to gender swap them into women I WILL BE FURIOUS. Not for the romance itself, but because Sektor and Cyrax as men could have the same feelings and their gender should not play any role in that. Homosexual and/or bisexual men should be part of MK lore no less than heterosexual characters. And I feel lately that the Mortal Kombat franchise likes to erase a lot of previously established diversity. Homosexual Kung Jin was playable only in MKX (2015) and just referred here or there since then. Previous timelines Mileena showed interest (or sometimes was just sexually creepy?) toward men and women alike, now she is only interested in Tanya. On one hand, cool, an established lesbian woman. On another the bisexual vibe is kicked out of the window - or at least this is my impression. Johnny may be seen as bisexual man, but how intentional that was on the NRS’ part or just came out naturally as there is no female character in the group of Liu Kang’s Earthrealm Champions for him to interact with, I’m not sure. 

My fear is that NRS is just a coward that would rather gender-swap male characters to present them and their relationship as heterosexual than just go with them as they are. MK1 has already the token homosexual pair (Tanya & Mileena) to balance Liu Kang/Kitana,  Sindel/Jerrod and background Johnny’s ex-marriage or Kenshi/Suchin. So if female Cyrax and Sektor’s purpose is to either avoid homosexual implication or to explore the relationship of  Lin Kuei characters through some romantic bullshit, I will be furious. But if studio’s choice to gender swap Sektor and Cyrax will change literally nothing about what we already knew from previous timelines then WHAT WAS THE POINT OF ALL OF THIS?

Like I said, my final judgment about NRS’s choice for female Cyrax and Sektor will be based on story mode alone. For now, I’m pretty much indifferent, as their gender has never affected their relationship with Bi-Han before and so far the only complaint I have is, the visually-wise impression that female Cyrax and Sektor seem to look thinner than rest of female characters? But that may be just the armor playing a trick on my eyes.

(I lied. I have a second complaint, their armor should be more bulky, and better covering their body/gender. This seems like a wasted opportunity to have a cool reveal that yes, under the armor there are two kick-ass awesome women).

So, female Cyrax and Sektor for now does not change anything for me, but I do remain suspicious about the reasoning of NRS for gender swap.

[lupins-hehim-pussy]

I think I accidentally made Wriothesley AuDHD. fuck

[moe-broey]

Like for real how hard is it to just. Accept that sometimes somebody wants to be called something else. Why do you even fucking care. I'm so fucking tired.

[vellichorom]

Hey I have a genuine question and I dont mean it is a mean way at all. This is me being actual confused /lh

In ur pinned post it says:

"abuse-glorifying whatever freak people by ANY other name are NOT welcome here."

But you have shown a deep care for goreguts and have talked about how unhealthy it is and hold them in a light that really doesn't seem to be not glorifying their relationship? Maybe I've read this all wrong or something but it was something that kinda bothered me when I read ur pinned. Again, I ask this question in a genuine way and mean for no feelings to be hurt, sorry if it does though, im bad with that kinda communication

Highlighting ( again ) that Goreguts is unhealthy, NOT abusive.

They're impossibly, mutually co-dependent & neglect to see the other's fatal flaws or the flaws in the relationship because they're all the other has now, but are otherwise happy & content to be together. They're also freaks who kill for mutual recreation, but ultimately don't mean the other actual, malicious harm beyond what they can't themselves enjoy. Unhealthy & strange, it didn't start off great & I certainly don't recommend it, but not ABUSIVE.

Now, every abusive relationship is OBVIOUSLY unhealthy but not every unhealthy relationship is outright abusive; it's often complicated, or not great for one reason or another, but not to be held to the same comparison standards as an objectively abusive relationship just because there's negative aspects to it.

Said negative aspects I highlight regularly regarding Goreguts, as MUCH as I may highlight the many better parts of the relationship.

WHICH you can discuss! & I will! At the behest & interest of myself, my sibling, others, we're fleshing out & exploring this complex & multi-faceted relationship, which includes touching upon EVERYTHING, including the better, more positive parts of the relationship - which Goreguts still retains a lot of for still being unhealthy. That much you CAN still discuss while also while also acknowledging it's obviously not the best relationship overall & still stating as much.

Which I do. I certainly don't beat around the bush with this ship & will eagerly tell you or anyone that they kind of suck together ( at least within the canon default ), but I'm not going to tack an addendum saying as much every time I say something positive about the ship or hype it up to any degree or joke about it, nor should I have to just to convey that I'm not glorifying it or the more questionable aspects of it.

I'm genuinely sorry if you took any of the silly shenanigans OR positive highlights my sibling & I do with this ship as glorification, but that's not the case, nor is it intended to be whatsoever. So I hope this ask clears things up a little bit.

[sskk-manifesto]

Ep 9 ! :)