#But it actually is bc the limbo stage is so addictive

[idontmindifuforgetme]

if I could go back in time my top advice to my younger self would literally be don’t get into fucking situationships

[lovelycorpseprincess]

I don't post to this blog much anymore bc I'm mostly cutting out social media, but here's an update since some of my kinksters (ily) have shown up from my main kink blog:

tl;Dr: it turns out being traumatized affects your whole life, and you actually can become an orphan multiple times. traumadumping, mostly.

basically right now I'm in a limbo waiting for sitting to change. most things are good right now -- I've been working out everyday for a month and gotten to the stage where I feel wrong if I don't, I'm looking at a couple procedures to get my self confidence up, and my husband is doing great in an insanely difficult academic field with graduation coming up, plus we're looking at finally being able to get pregnant around the start of 2026 and bring a mother is all I've ever wanted. things are looking so good.

but my mental health isn't. and I'm only writing this up because I really only speak to my husband and roommate, and after leaving my primary therapist because he called me a p*do (absolutely zero understanding of paraphilia and the difference between contact/avoidant behavior -- six years and he doesn't seem to know me well enough to know I would kms before I did what was done to me), my DID specialist has been in hospital for 3 months and we're losing our communication bridges between each other.

largely due to stress. and like I said things are really great otherwise! life is finally moving in a direction I've been waiting for for years.

but my traumas are family-based. the root of my DID and hypersexuality is that I was raped repeatedly between 2 and 6. my grandmother knew and covered it up and my mother, who is unmedicated un-therapy-ed ADHD & borderline, ignored every sign. my grandmother is herself terrible, but my mother is beyond unstable and erratic and extremely emotionally immature. telling her about the rape, it becomes a screaming fit about what a bad mother she must have been.

I broke contact for 4 years thinking what was wrong with our relationship was me, and got medicated, got psychotherapy, processed things I had repressed, and came back to her to figure out our relationship. she seemed less volatile, said she'd done mushrooms and healed some of her trauma, that everyone said she was better and we could be friends. what, in fact, she's been doing is treating my stepfather exactly the way she treated me -- always at fault, aggressive, manipulative, controlling. she hasn't improved at all.

we're in a position right now where, when she commented that she'd never hit children and I calmly reminded her that she belted me as a kid, we've exploded into "how dare you accuse me of being an abusive mother" and not being able to even explain because all she knows how to do is scream and deny and not let anyone else speak.

so in the middle of processing the rape, trying to understand that what I repressed for 20 odd years is in fact what's always been wrong with me and why I have a sex addiction, I thought my mom was better and we could heal through it like we should've been allowed to when I was little -- and she's not better at all. it's costing us the stability of our system, and part of why I returned contact is because we're so close to having children and I know she'd want to know her grandchildren, but I'm realizing now that I'm going to have to do what I planned to in the first place: keeping my children away from her, and going back to an orphaned mentality. my stepfather, who's really the only sane one in this situation, will get to know my kids, but she's destroyed their marriage and I'm facing down not only that she's divorcing the person I thought could help her, but that she's going to be resentful in the future because he'll get to know his grandkids and she won't.

so we're coping more than living, but not going anywhere. our major focus right now is our original work on AO3, which I'll pin on my blog so you can find it easy. it's a coping mechanism, so it's all dead dove, but I have a degree in writing, so there's plot and more goodies in it than just porn. oh, and there's a lot of porn in it.

in any case, life is hard and that makes the things you fight for worth it. I hope to be more active soon.

kisses xoxo

[theamericanghost]

Loki, BioShock, and 8 Years

Wow, goodness. What a morning I've had. What a rollercoaster of journey I've just gone through to get to- Well, you'll see.

I don't normally make posts (normally bc I don't have anything to say) but this is too good to pass on. Tagging @helshades bc this directly involves you and I don't necessarily know if Tumblr will catch it way further down in the post so tagging you now. Also, you all will have to bear with me and my long rambling post. I was not lying when I said it was a journey of a morning.

To set the stage, this morning... did not start off pleasantly, I'll be honest. Period cramps and the limbo feeling of wanting to be awake but wanting to desperately lie down and curl up was the beginning of this day. But stay up I did. Thankfully.

To cheer myself I weirdly and randomly decided to listen to some of Postmodern Jukebox. (Yes, this important.) And bc of their usual old-timey sound they go for, my brain connected old-timey music to other old-timey music/vibes I'm familiar with.

Enter BioShock. I've personally started working on an old Minecraft project that's for a friend. A BioShock (Infinite/Burial At Sea) puzzle map with a story. So I started listening to more and more. Which led me to switching from PMJ to Robyn Adele Anderson (who used to work with PMJ until after her break up with the founder and then started her own YouTube and retro-fitting music cover career) and hearing her cover of Honeysuckle Rose.

Which, if there's anything that I love, it's a good romance song. To add to my romantic f/o (aka: comfort character ) playlist. Who's my romantic f/o? Who else other than the one and only MCU trickster?

The only character I have loved and attached myself to so dearly for many, many a year. All since Thor 1. (Okay, timing with this one is a little wonky, so quick explanation here. It's actually when Avengers 1 came out but I watched Captain America and then Thor 1 at home the weekend the Avengers 1 movie came out. And then saw the latter movie soon after. Pls dont revoke my Loki fan-card. I swear, I've been there since basically the beginning.🤣)

Something that's also important to know about me is that currently... I have a problem. An AU-making problem. 😅😅😅

First, Wandavision with Loki and my self-insert. Lately, it's cowboys and the Old West with Loki and my self-insert. (Two different versions, I might add to highlight my clear AU-making addiction.) Today it's a BioShock-esque story. With Loki and, you guessed it, my self-insert character.

And what is a BioShock story without it's breathtaking, awe-inspiring city? And what is Loki without his home of Asgard? To combine the two and make it work, I need to know what architecture the MCU Asgard(s) are based on/inspired by.

A quick google search of "mcu asgard architecure inspired by" brings up two different Helshades posts. Ah, yes! Helshades! I remember them!

When it comes to MCU Asgard world-building stuff, I know only two blogs to go to from years and years ago when I first discovered them. That is, I know they exist. I usually forget the usernames lol. Sorry, Helshades. It's been a long while. (The other blog is exploringmcuasgard fyi. I have their blog pulled up and will comb through it in a minute once I'm done with this post and finished combing Helshades' Asgard architecture tag.)

So, as mentioned already, I start chronologically from the beginning of Helshades' Asgard architecture tag, going through and scanning the paragraphs of each post's texts looking for names of architecture movements.

I've found one btw! Through all the Thor 1 architecture posts is the name Deconstructivism! Successful so far!

But there was more than one Thor movie, if you remember. And more than one version/interpretation of the city of Asgard.

So onto posts about the Asgard seen in the Thor 2 trailer! The first one is fine and good. The second one...

starts with a note. A dedication to a 400th follower. Oh nice. A 400th follower with the name-

Wait.

No.

ExCUSE YOU???

IM SORRY- WHAT???!!??

For those who don't know, a very long time ago I used to have the username, Egoimperiiruina. (A username I have somewhat recently reclaimed after someone else took it and now hold as a subblog to do... something with it in the future.😉)

And back then (as I mentioned earlier) I loved Loki and Asgard and the whole "Thor" side of the MCU franchise. (Which... honestly, and, very sadly, cannot be said now. *le deep fucking sigh in utter disappointment and disgust towards current MCU and Taika Waititi/Mike Waldron*

And this shows clearly here in this note where I apparently was on a Helshades post spree for costume designs. (This may have been for a fic I started and never continued (for awhile! I'll eventually get to it!) a long time ago with the temp name Asgardian Dreams, looking over Asgardian costumes references to get an idea for Vanir fashion that could look similar to Asgardian/Loki. Surprisingly, enough, not for a self-insert. Well, kinda. lmao)

But you might be wondering, this is a great find and what not, but you didn't see this before? Nope. Not once. Weird too because I have in the past occasionally looked to see all the posts that mentioned me via my old username and current one.

But the best part? Honestly, what makes it for me now, is that not only does Helshades say that I, and, I quote, "should welcome an architecture-oriented entry [of theirs] with a similar enthusiasm"- Which, yes. Very much the same amount of enthusiasm, still going strong after all these years. Especially after all the ridiculous nonsense given to us old Loki fans from Ragnarok to his quote-unquote namesake show (can't convince me that's even close to the same Loki I've known all this time nope!).

It's that this post is 8 friggin years old *and* they said the above.

You know what, Helshades? You were right.

I'm happy I found you too.