#But because people keep purposefully setting us back since they think they know better for us - we're going in circles not forward

[sastielsfandom]

Apparently some people don't know this but don't force your help onto others and basically kidnap them because you think they need your help and aren't doing it how you want them to.

Like if someone agrees to stay with you for the weekend because hotel prices are incredibly high and they can't afford it, don't strand them at your place for nearly a week where they have no electricity, service, or internet. Especially when they have important things to do for their livelihood that can change their lives for the better. Such as meetings and calls they have been waiting for because they're income sources that they need.

And they were already screwed over by getting kicked out of a shitty apartment from shady people that gave them less than twenty four hours to put down three grand to possibly stay there for six months. Saying you weren't compliant, even though you went above their expectations and did their job for them because they weren't meeting your families needs and were delaying stuff the way they were doing it. And it had a lot of problems like electricity not working in like the apartment, plumbing being a nightmare nearly every day. At night it sounded like the purge and it was genuinely scary especially when people would pound on your door multiple times a night.

Like don't play the savior and screw over the people you were supposably helping because they aren't acting the way you want them to and they're getting upset at you purposefully setting them up for failure so you can "help" them further.

You know, just a general thing and not something that we just had to deal with at all. And are still currently dealing with because we have to undo the "help" we received.

[buckleyreid]

ABC and baiting and whatever...

I’ve seen this be talked about in here in the last couple of days but it’s so glaringly obvious that this is a lot of people’s first fandom. Like I get that it's frustrating to think something will be in the episode and then you find out it got cut, but that's how TV works. Every second counts, if part of what you filmed doesn't significantly contribute to the episode then it gets cut. It's normal. Shit happens.

Do I think ABC purposefully used the buddie scenes as promo because they knew it would bring in clicks and engagement? Yes. Is that kinda shitty? Sure, but it's not a crime. This fandom has been putting ABC on a pedestal ever since the move and listen, I agree they've been better than Fox, but they're still every bit of a money hungry corporation. They'll promote whatever keeps people talking and whatever brings in viewers.

They haven't been allowing buddie questions in interviews as some sort of omen that buddie canon is coming soon. They've been allowing it because it'll keep the online fandom talking, (let's be real, those are the only people taking the time to read interviews, not the general audience). And of course the reporters eat it up, because they also know it'll get them clicks.

I'll also say it's not the show's fault, or even ABC to be honest, if people saw a couple seconds of buddie at the bachelor party and decided to expand on that and theorise that it could lead to a kiss, or them realising they had feelings for each other or whatever else. Theorising can be fun as long as you know there's a 90% chance your theories will only ever be theories and will never make it to canon. But acting like the show owes you something, or that a fanon ship will most definitely become canon, will only ever be a set up for disappointment.

I do wonder if they'll switch up their marketing strategies from now on though. I don't think a couple hundred, or even thousand people yelling at them over instagram comments is that significant or too much of a concern, but I do think it would be wise of them to tone it down with the buddie talk in interviews if they don't intend on following through with it. Maybe take more of a Fox approach in that regard, reel Oliver and Ryan back into PR jail and whatnot. At the end of the day I feel like they got what they wanted, which was for people to follow the show from Fox to ABC so they'll probably chill with the press anyway going into next season.

Just to make it clear, I'm not telling anyone how to feel, just that shit like this happens all the time. It's important to always manage your expectations and, once again, maybe not get so caught up in speculations.

[littlespoonevan]

left half my heart in our living room

that episode did severe emotional damage to my psyche and then i turned on grow by sigrid and proceeded to make it worse :) i don’t know what this is i just needed to write some words because buck and eddie said So Many words in this ep and i felt all of them 💔

spoilers for 6x15

-

I feel like she sees me.

The sentence sticks in Eddie’s head. Niggling at the base of his skull like an itch that won’t go away.

“You’re quiet,” Buck says when they’re on the way home from the cemetery and it’s around that moment that Eddie realises he hasn’t said anything since they got in the jeep. Too consumed by their conversation from before.

I feel like she sees me.

He looks over at Buck now, one hand on the steering wheel, one resting on his lap, and he looks…comfortable, on first glance. But then Eddie notes the tense set of his shoulders and the way he seems to be staring at the road a little too hard, like he’s purposefully trying not to look in Eddie’s direction.

For one bitter moment, Eddie wonders if Natalia would notice those things but he shakes the thought away. He shouldn’t put this on her. She only knows what Buck’s told her.

“Do you really believe that?” he asks finally, voice quiet and a little bit too tentative. “That she sees you better than-“ me “-than any of us?”

Buck’s mouth parts and it’s clear he hadn’t expected the question. Eddie watches him while he works himself up to an answer – the way he shifts in his seat, the way his eyes dart to the rearview mirror instead of Eddie himself, the careful intake of breath before he finally decides to speak.

“I mean, it’s different,” is what Buck settles on. “Her perception of death and how it affects you, it’s-“

“Because none of us have ever had any experience with death,” Eddie can’t help cutting in.

“Eddie,” Buck sighs and it sounds like please.

“Chimney’s heart stopped last year,” Eddie says. “And when I got-“

“She doesn’t look at me like I’m a ghost, alright?” Buck says, sharp and slicing through Eddie’s intended comment about his own brush with death.

The words make him stop short. He clenches and unclenches his fists in his lap as he digests them. "What d’you mean?”

Buck sighs again and it seems more upset than before. “Maddie, Bobby, you- you all look at me like…like you’re not even sure I’m really here. Like I’m gonna disappear at any minute. You think I don’t see it but I do.”

“Because you died, Buck,” Eddie exclaims, frustrated and weary and more vulnerable than he’d planned on letting himself be. “You died. And for three minutes and seventeen seconds I thought I was going to have to live in this world without you and I didn’t want to.”

That makes Buck clap his mouth shut and he doesn’t say anything else but Eddie can see the tears gathering at the corners of his eyes. The car stops abruptly then and he takes stock of his surroundings for the first time since they got in the jeep. They’re outside his house now.

He takes a measured breath and unclips his seatbelt, shooting a wary look in Buck’s direction. His hands are still gripping the steering wheel and he’s staring straight out the windscreen but he cut off the engine, at least.

“Come inside,” Eddie requests softly, climbing out of the jeep and not waiting to see if Buck follows.

He lets himself into the house and hears the slam of Buck’s car door as he’s dropping his keys on the side table. He hesitates when he gets to the living room, unsure whether he should keep travelling to the kitchen or just drop down on the couch and bury his head in his hands.

Buck comes inside before he can decide, the click of the door soft as he closes it behind himself.

“You looked at me like that too,” Eddie says without turning around. It’s easier saying it without Buck looking at him, even though he can feel Buck’s stare like a brand on his back. “After the well. And- and the shooting. I remember.”

“I’m used to losing people,” Buck says after a beat. “The fact that I got to keep you felt like a trick somehow. Like if I looked away for too long you’d be gone again.”

Eddie huffs a humourless laugh, feeling tears sting behind his eyes. He finally turns, finding Buck standing in the entryway. He gives Eddie a helpless shrug when their eyes meet.

“And I’m not allowed to feel like that?”

“You are,” Buck insists, body shifting like he’s about to charge forward but in the end he only takes one step. “I just don’t know what to do with it.”

“Why not?” Eddie asks and they’re teetering dangerously close to a conversation they’ve never let themselves have before but he doesn’t know how to stop pushing either.

Buck answers anyway.

“Because if I think about how much you see me – how much I let you see without you even asking – I feel terrified. Because I’ve spent years trying to get you to let me all the way in but it’s really fucking scary to imagine me doing the same thing. To believe that you’d even want that.”

Eddie works his jaw, swallowing against the heaving ache in his chest. He gets it, is the thing. No matter how much they’ve taken care of each other, no matter how much they’ve acted as one another’s soft place to land, there’s still a voice in the back of his head that says, you’re being a burden. Stop it.

“I don’t care if you want to start dating again-“ Lie. That’s a lie. “-but don’t- don’t say-“

As if sensing he can’t actually get the words out, Buck immediately starts shaking his head. “I won’t,” he says. “I won’t. I’m sorry.”

Eddie nods, clears his throat, and glances between the couch and the dining room. He doesn’t know what to do now, doesn’t know how they go back to having a casual beer, but before he can come up with something to say to break the tension Buck is stepping forward, crowding into his space and folding him into a hug.

I don’t remember the last time we did this, Eddie thinks even as his muscle memory reacts. His arms come up around Buck, one hand gripping his shoulder while the other wraps around his waist. Buck’s face burrows into his shoulder and Eddie only hesitates for half a second before he presses his temple against the exposed line of Buck’s neck and breathes him in.

“I’m not gonna disappear,” Buck whispers and, ridiculously, it makes fresh tears spring behind Eddie’s eyelids.

“Me either,” he replies and Buck’s arms tighten around him in response.

And he thinks they’re at an impasse now, a sort of crossroads they can’t turn back from but aren’t able to move forward from yet either.

If this is where they have to stay for now, he thinks he might be okay with that.

[rita-repulsa-ke]

jealousy

post-finale, set in the past. Death is a jealous lover, they are both exceedingly petty. They are doing their normal fighting and flirting thing, maybe a bit more fighting. This is probably PG-13.

Going with two headcanons, that Death can’t kill people directly and that Agatha and Death have a deal where Agatha kills for her to keep herself alive, thus the murders.

Also Agatha speaks incredibly anachronistically on purpose, because she should be able to.

In 1780, Agatha takes a woman to bed.

No one who matters, a younger woman she passes on the street, doubles back to compliment the sewing on her dress, and then to compliment the blush on her cheeks. She forces herself listening to the girl's concerns about her upcoming nuptials, plies her with beer and sympathy until finally she gets her bodice off and things proceed from there as they have for the centuries before and will for the centuries after.

Her plaything has run off home when the air currents in the room change and the scent of grave dirt fills the room. Agatha, lying naked on the bed, opens her eyes, her expression twisting to one of malevolent, contemptuous hatred, and looks up at Death.

"Oh," she says. "It's you."

"I want her," Rio says with no precursor, motioning in the vague direction of the door and presumably the girl who had recently exited through it.

"Sure," Agatha says, easing up to sitting, reaching for her clothes, aware of the way she is being stared at, hungry, possessive. "I don't mind if you have my sloppy seconds."

"Agatha," Rio complains, because they both know Agatha is being purposefully uncooperative. "I want her dead." She slices her knife lazily through the air, a slow cut across an invisible throat.

"Do it yourself then," Agatha says, then gasps in mock-shock. "Oh, but that's right, you can't! It isn't her time. That's too bad for you, I'm so sorry."

Rio rolls her eyes. "I'll let you skip the next tithe."

Agatha stops and considers that. It's a good offer. That's time she could use for things other than finding and killing a coven of witches, time for her own personal projects, of which she was many. And it would be easy, she wouldn't even have to watch. There's hair all over her pillow, one of those and the right spell and the woman will sicken and die by morning.

She should say yes. It's just that she's very, very petty.

"Nope. Don't feel like it. She wasn't that bad in bed, honestly. Better than you ever were," she says, hopping into her pants, still shirtless and aware of where Rio's eyes are.

Look all you want, she thinks, you'll never get to touch. It's a stupid, small, petty victory, how much Death wants and can't have her, but such little victories are some of the few joys left to her.

"You're so immature," Rio murmurs and Agatha snorts.

"I'm getting better. Remember when I went through my bad boy phase?"

Rio studies her, head tilted to one side, hip cocked, aggressive and deadly, but Agatha isn't worried. Death can't touch her. There are rules.

And then Rio has her down on the bed, straddling her, the knife against her abdomen and Agatha remembers the fine print of those rules.

Rio can't take her life, but there's nothing stopping her from causing Agatha pain. And that knife is positioned in a way that could cause quite a bit of pain.

"Reconsider," Rio says, looking down at her with unnerving adoration.

"Hey, when we're talking about immature, can we talk about your sudden desire to have me kill the first woman I've had in my bed since—" she stops what she might have said, self-corrects. "In thirty years?"

In answer, Rio trails her fingers over Agatha's neck, down to her collarbone, but no further. Agatha finds herself wishing she had gotten her shirt on before they'd ended up like this. Those warm fingers on her skin evoke memories she could do without.

"Mine," Rio says. "All mine. No one else touches you."

Agatha bursts into snorting laughter, quickly restrained by the blade indenting her skin. "Wow, this is incentive to turn into the biggest slut possible. Feel free to do your creepy lurking, though. Watch all you want." Her hand cups Rio's cheek and with great care, she levers herself up on her elbow. "Miss me, baby?"

"Yes," Rio says, turning lighting-quick, pressing a kiss to Agatha's palm. Agatha jerks her hand back, wipes it on the bed with the expression of someone who squashed a bug barehanded.

"Ew," she complains, and okay, maybe Rio is right and she is petty, but the flicker of real fury in Rio's eyes, behind the more obvious exasperation, is very rewarding.

Then the knife bites in, sends a trickle of blood down her stomach and she hisses in pain. "Do what I want," Rio singsongs. "Or take your medicine."

"How about option C?" Agatha snarls, magic slamming into Rio's chest, throwing her across the room. She scrambles up, snatches her shirt, but has to shield against the next attack before she can put it on. Black tendrils of magic try to find a way around her shields, crawling bits of craft probing for any weakness.

"Still so sloppy," she taunts.

"How so?" Rio asks, not bothering to hide her amusement at Agatha trying to pull a shirt on with one hand while she continues to cast with the other. "And when did you get so modest, anyway?"

"Honey, no one likes to be ogled by their ex," Agatha says. "As for how, you are using so much power for that little exploratory spell, if you didn't have literally endless limits, you'd burn out before—"

She stops abruptly, because this is starting to get fun. She's starting to smile, a wild, exhilarated smile. She's starting to feel the urge to giggle, to experiment with spells, to find out if she can remove the floor from under Rio before she notices and send her plummeting into the room below.

For one breath, one heartbeat, she's forgotten to grieve.

She drops her shields at the same time Rio launches a real attack. It won't kill her, but it will hurt.

That's all right. It should.

Then there is a shape in front of her, only very slightly a woman, the impression of arms spread wide and an all-encompassing, welcoming darkness, the space behind the world.

The spell hits, and then there is only Rio, staggering, holding her side and Agatha's instinct is to reach for her, catch her, offer comfort or more likely, a scolding about not being able to better redirect her own energy—

Instead, she crosses her arms over her chest and watches, impassive, unmoved.

Rio whirls on her, nostrils flared, eyes wide. "What was that—" she stops, looks at Agatha. Snorts without mirth. "Oooh. Ags, if you want it to hurt that badly, you only have to ask." The knife is back in her hand, as much a part of her as any of her limbs. Perhaps more so, who can say what real shape lies under her favored guise? "I've got better ways than magic." She pauses, then adds, softer, more careful, "And that could have really hurt you."

"Can't have your favorite killing machine injured, hmm?" Agatha purrs. "Who'd get you all those bodies you love so much?"

"You know that isn't why," Rio says, colder, unimpressed.

Agatha shrugs, indifferent, resummoning her magic. "So are we going to do this or—"

Rio doesn't answer. She looks away from Agatha, always a bad idea. "…ss me," she murmurs, syllables too soft to be properly made out.

"What was that?"

"Kiss me. And I'll let it go." She still can't make herself look at Agatha.

"Wow," Agatha says, then repeats. "Wooooow. This is a new low, even for you. I know you're obsessed with me," she tosses her hair, preens a little. "And who could blame you. Still, that is really pitiful."

Rio taps her knife against the air, her expression one of grim patience, as though Agatha is a trial she’s trying to will herself through. "You can't beat me."

Agatha snorts. "We'll see about that. But all right, Romeo. Let me skip the next tithe and I'll do it."

Rio nods at once, as easy as that.

Agatha swaggers toward her, places her hand on her former lover's cheek, shockingly warm against her palm. "Close your eyes," she whispers, her voice gone husky. "I'll make it good."

Rio trembles ever-so-slightly and obeys.

Agatha spins her free hand in the air, mouths a silent incantation and the floor drops out from Rio, sends her plummeting into the room below as Agatha cackles with delight and for just a moment, forgets to grieve.

if you haven’t read it, I recommend the mistake.

[momentsofamberclarity]

don't call me nonnie.

i know that not all proshipping is sexual, but it's still portraying pedophilia/incest positively

the bullet point lists were because i just wanted to separate each sentence into a different point because they were all sort off disconnected

the "they're just pixels" argument doesn't work because every single thing you see on a screen is a bunch of pixels if you zoom in, with that logic every image posted online is "just pixels", including actual csem

Fine, I won't call you that. But riddle me this, anon; why am I showing you more respect than you're showing me? Why have you told me to go fuck myself multiple times in place of having a discussion?

Here's the thing ... the only way you will find csem is if you go looking for it. You are not going to find csem on tumblr because it would break community guidelines. But fictional characters under the age of 18 do not count as csem and numerous child protection services have stated that those are just art.

Likewise, the only way you're gonna find fanfiction of 'kids being raped' as you keep putting it, is if you're trying to be a white knight and seek those writers out purposefully so that you can harass them like you're doing with me. Because most of the proshippers I know tag their stuff so that it can be found by the target audience and blacklisted by the people who don't want to see it.

And here's the thing about proshipping which I think is the biggest hurtle of the anti community. Proship doesn't mean 'I support active sexual predators hurting real living children'. 'Pedophile' as a term is meaningless at this point because everyone on the internet uses it to describe anyone they disagree with. You're better off using predator and paraphile. Predators are the dangerous people who don't give a shit about fiction because they have full-intent to harm others. But the majority of paraphiles? They're no-contact and/or fiction-only on their paraphilias, or they do consenting adult things with their consenting adult partners that are roleplaying with boundaries set in place for a reason.

I've been on the internet since before the term 'proship' even popped up. Back before that we called it Dead Dove, Don't Eat and Don't Like, Don't Look. 'Proship' as a term has the same meaning as those old ones, it's just shorthand. It means 'I support the rights of others to ship whatever they want in their own space regardless of whether or not I like or condone it because I don't know them and it does not involve me'. You don't like the content? You have a block button and you are encouraged to use it to curate your own online experience just like the artists and authors posting that content are.

The fact that you're still here means you're hearing some of what I'm saying and possibly having a hard time coming to terms with it. Believe me, I went through a period of morality crisis between my bpd and ocd telling me that fiction could affect reality and I thought that thinking bad things ( like intrusive thoughts ) made me a Bad Person. But thoughts are just thoughts.

So if you want to come off anon and actually have a conversation with me, I promise I'm not going to name-drop you. The purpose of this blog has only ever been about clearing up misconceptions about proshippers and paraphiles because I used to be uninformed about those topics myself until my partner and another super close friend explained them to me in a way that I could comprehend. And that is that thought crime doesn't exist. And fictional characters don't have autonomy and therefore cannot be abused by your thoughts, your art, your writing, etc.

But if we did away with fictional expression of paraphilias in a healthy artistic manner ( like KOSA is currently trying to do ), the world would be a more dangerous place for potential victims, because paraphiles and predators are always going to exist whether you choose to accept that or not. My own abusers never faced charges, only one of my partners' abusers is rotting in jail, and that is the reality of this fucked up world that we're living in. People with niche fetishes aren't monsters - most are even too embarrassed to talk about them. Active sexual predators online who hop into the DMs of minors to be creeps are a real world problem. And that has nothing to do with the proship community's philosophy of 'ship and let ship'.

[shadyclawluvbot]

kiss it better

a shadyclaw post reveal one shot 🐈‍⬛✨

ever since they got back from the other universe, shadybug and claw noir have been helping the resistance fight against the supreme, however, on one of their missions, claw noir ends up somewhat injured, being the only one who knows his identity, shadybug has no choice but to help him

Paris's streets were illuminated with the infinite lines of lampposts and the moonlight as the people of this city slept peacefully there she was, jumping from roof to roof, Shady ducked behind chimneys from time to time to check if she's being followed, she quickly entered the room from the window that was purposefully left open, and gently placed the boy in her hands on the white sofa

"Blots off" she called out walking past the TV, a wave of magic washed over her to reveal her unmasked face and the black tank top and pink pants that hid under her costume, as she rushed to wash her hands bringing bandages, a clean cloth and water with her

"Shady-"

"detransform" she said, ignoring his attempt to get her attention

"it's seriously no big deal you don't have to bother yourself with this right now" he said sighing

"i said detransform" she replied with a glare

"daggers in" he called out rolling his eyes

"take your shirt off" she said setting the stuff on the table sitting next to him

his eyes widened and then he smirked

"slow down cockroach, didn't know you want me that bad" he teased

"adrien" she glared at him "shirt. off. now." he sighed, Marinette helped him get out of the shirt as he slightly winced in pain struggling to move

the bluenette gasped in horror her eyes widening at the sight of her partner's wounded chest her expression quickly changing to an angry one

"doesn't look alright to me, agrest" she sighed wetting the cloth "alright sit still" she commanded

they sat in silence as she gently cleaned the wounds, stoping whenever he winced or gasped. It didn't take her long before she was done bandaging him.

she stared at the ligature for a while a frown creeping up on her face, she hated to see him get hurt, sure, she did beat the living crap out of him before when she was evil, but it was never with the intention to hurt him, he just gets on her nerves and she's... she was a little violent, but she never wanted him to be hurt, you can hit people without wanting to hurt them right ? sometimes you even do it because you love them, just like her father used to... she cringed, nope, bad example, don't think about it

she sighed, and moved closer pressing a kiss on the bandage.

"oh" the blondie said, his cheeks burning at her gesture "didn't know you where the type to kiss it better" he smirked

the shorter girl looked up, a slight sadness was painted on her face

"adrien..." she mumbled "you really need to stop doing this..."

"doing what ?" he asked

"THIS, you just, keep putting yourself in danger, and doing all this crazy stuff and you end up getting hurt..."

"shady"

"...and what if you do one of these crazy stunts you pull one day and am not there and you get hurt again"

"shady"

"...and then a villain finds you, and you're already hurt, and they get your miraculous, and you die and-"

"marinette" he yelled

"what"

"you're rambling"

"sorry..." she apologized, her cheeks flushing a bright red

adrien smiled at her

"i just worry about you" she whispered, not really wanting to admit that

"oh... you... you do ?" he asked his face also a shade of red now

she looked at him and nodded, her lips quivered and her brows forrowed, her bluebell eyes sparkled, unshed tears resting on her waterline. And god was she beautiful, she could look at him like that and ask for the world and he will bring it to her on a golden platter

he gently caressed her cheek with his thumb, he leaned closer placing a kiss on her forehead

"thank you" he said "I promis I will be more careful next time"

"you better be" she said chuckling slightly, she sighed frowning a little

"do you mean it"

"what" he asked looking back at her

"the promise" she bit her lip and looked away "do you really mean it" she said a hint of sadness in her voice

"of course i do m'shady" he said smiling pulling her close for a hug

her eyes widened "m'shady" she thought "i could get used to that" she smiled slightly resting her head on his chest as she closed her eyes

"i love you" she muttered

"what" the boy said snapping his head to look at the now peacefully snoozing beauty in his arms

"i love you too, marinette." he smiled,

"she talks in her sleep" he thought "cute."

[noisytenant]

i started daily journaling/de facto bullet journaling in may and i've kept it up ever since with at most ~a week downtime. this might be the longest i've held onto one organizational habit. sharing my strategy in case it helps anyone else...

i purposefully bought multi-packs of really cheap crappy ~5x7 lined paperback journals (in my case moleskine, i know they're shit but that's the point) so i wouldn't feel any preciousness toward using them. i can take them anywhere in my bag and i don't care much if they get banged up (though they hold up well). i started numbering and dating them on the front as well.

they're both task journals (to-do lists etc) and personal journals. i scribble anything i want in there. i take notes from conversations and write down peoples' contacts in there. i write entries stating what i did during the day and sometimes i have neurotic breakdowns in there. it's like a boring survival horror diary LOL.

i will say this isn't an effective reflective/introspective journal. it's essentially notetaking on my own life; it isn't the kind of journal to meditate on and reach deep insights about my psyche. that's okay.

i think "journaling" is sometimes touted as a tool for self-expression and deep emotional healing, but that assumes a very particular mindset, approach, and skillset within the writer. personally, i can't think much about how i feel when all i can think about is what i need to do during the day, so the first step in taking better care of myself emotionally is simply equipping myself to get those things done--to free up mental space.

there's also a lot of talk about whether "introspection" as discussed in the modern day is a means of mindfully reflecting your inner experience, or more an attempt to individualistically define and externalize all aspects of yourself so you're an easier customer. i think it can be both, but the point is it isn't a universal good. ...but i digress.

the journal works because i don't try to preemptively filter my thoughts into different locations. oftentimes my feelings+experiences reflect actions/tasks and vice-versa. i don't think i could use a journal that was only to-do lists, or a journal that was only my feelings. but now most of my notable thoughts and experiences are all in one place.

anyways, for the to-do lists, i write one every night as one of the last things i do before the next day.

i rarely get everything on the list done, but i don't necessarily need to (consider adding ABC(DE) prioritization labels; i do this mentally). what i take from bullet journaling is that i reference the previous to-do list (and sometimes go a few lists back) and copy over relevant tasks while allowing myself to leave things unfinished and to drop tasks completely. if i do something i didn't plan on my list, i add it and immediately cross it off.

when you notice yourself rewriting the same tasks for several days, usually it's because there's some hidden step you're missing or a subconscious reason you're avoiding it. the art of defining and scoping tasks is a really important skill that i won't get into here, but the point isn't to get frustrated when something keeps getting kicked along--it's to get curious and to try different approaches.

in general, i think a lot of the skill is in striking a balance between what emotionally feels good for you (what triggers a sense of satisfaction and accomplishment, what makes you feel insecure and demotivated) and what you need on a technical level to maintain progress. for example, you want to balance setting manageable task scopes with not overwhelming yourself. you want to celebrate the little things without feeling like you're fluffing up your list with inconsequential tasks. you want to figure out how much work you need to frontload without making the act of task-writing itself a chore. and you'll definitely need to plan for your practices to evolve based on your current needs.

something my friend told me when getting started is to start a to-do list with a box that says "make a to-do list" so you always have one thing checked off from the start LOL. i think trying little tricks like that helps you test the waters of what feels good for you.

if i were to add anything to my practice, i'd like to get into making a monthly backlog like what the original bullet journal guy suggested (IIRC), where i've recorded every task for the month in one page and i can review what hasn't been done by the end. sometimes i drop something because it can't be a priority for the next 1-3 days and then have to circle back, and it might be easier to do that if i referenced a more clean-cut page. but i can be neurotic about page space allocation so i've held off. maybe i'll start it this month o'december...

but yeah. it's kind of crazy to have been doing this for this long, and though i'm still often struggling with executive dysfunction, i feel it's borne some tangible benefits and generally has made me feel a lot more in control of my life during a difficult time. hope you can find something that works for you as well. smiles :)

[kellanved-ammanas]

TF2 Drabbles: Scout & Pyro, RED Scout & BLU Scout - Hidey Hole

Summary: Can you possibly do RED and BLU pyro going into like a little hidey place and draw together but then their teams go looking for them because they eventually fell asleep?

~

Coming across the RED Scout out on the battlefield wasn’t uncommon, BLU Scout ran into him all the time in fact. What made it strange was that it was more an hour after cease-fire so he had no reason to be out here. … Unless he had something to do with why Pyro hadn’t returned to base yet. In which case it was BLU’s duty to investigate and while doing so if an opportunity to mess with him arose, he’d surely be justified in taking it. So, seemingly so far unnoticed, he set to following RED, putting all his sneaking skills to use.

It quickly became apparent that RED Scout was looking for something too. Sunshine didn’t have many nooks and crannies but RED was making sure to check them, much like how BLU had been doing before turning a corner and spotting him. And well, if there was anything more boring than doing a thorough search of a place, it was watching someone else perform a thorough search of that same place, covering ground that BLU had already covered, even. Ugh!

Now, he could be a good little scout and keep watching anyway, gather more information on his RED counterpart and all that but… he just wanted to hurry up an find Pyro so he could go back to base. And it’d be nice if he could do so before dinnertime; the only thing worse than most of the food at base was eating it cold. So…

“Hey, chucklenuts, what’cha looking for?”

The way the RED Scout jumped and scrambled to draw his scattergun as he snapped around to face BLU was immensely satisfying. He had the presence of mind not to fire it and even lowered it as his gaze landed on BLU as he stepped out from behind the building he’d been hiding behind. “What are you doing out here?”

“Answer my question first. What’cha looking for?” Screw sneaking around and spying on people to learn things, better to just ask them and if they don’t want to tell, beat it out of them. Not that that was likely how this interaction would be going down because BLU Scout really didn’t care that much.

Holstering the gun, RED crossed his arms. “None of your business.”

“Well then, what I’m doing out here is also none of your business.”

Which left them at a stalemate since neither of them could exactly just walk away to return to their business now, right? Lest the other’s intentions turned out to be nefarious. BLU really wasn’t in the mood to mess around though and maybe perhaps he was a little worried about Pyro and wanted to get back to finding him so…

“I’m looking for my team’s Pyro.” Somehow they managed to speak in near perfect unison. Like twins but creepy and weird because they didn’t know each other like that.

“Okay, that was freaking weird,” RED said with a grimace.

“Yeah. Let’s not talk about it.” Just like how they never talked about why they and their respective teammates looked so alike. It was just one of many bizarre things about this job. “But anyway, I guess, if we’re both looking for our Pyros, maybe we should team up, might make it go faster.”

“Yeah. Good idea.”

First they went over the ground they’d already checked and found nothing. Which actually left them with only a small area left to search. And from there it was only a short time before RED was calling BLU over with a, “Yo, I think I found something.”

BLU jogged over to see that RED had found a stack of boxes seemingly purposefully placed to hide a broken window loosely covered by a plank of plywood that could be pushed aside to allow easy entrance into one of the normally inaccessible buildings. RED was already climbing through. BLU followed.

Inside was what was probably meant to be a storage room, long since abandoned and now turned to a new purpose. In the center of the room was a fire pit, filled with the ashes of whatever had last been burned within it, a few embers still smoldering. To one side of it lay both the BLU and RED Pyros, sprawled out next to each other, seemingly asleep. Next to them were sketch-books, open to pages filled with colorful doodles, and the coloured pencils presumably used to make said doodles. In the corner, a decent sized stack of board games which certainly explained where a couple of the board games that had once resided in BLU’s common room had vanished to.

Clearly the Pyros had been coming to this spot as a regular hang out zone for a while now. Which explained why sometimes both Pyros just seemed to vanish off the battlefield, sometimes until the very end of a battle. This time though, they’d got caught up and fell asleep. Cute… sort of.

“Wow,” RED Scout said, “Guess their friends. Not that that’s surprising, if anyone’s gonna be friends with the enemy, it’d be Pyro.”

BLU Scout couldn’t disagree, his Pyro was like that too. “Don’t tell on them.” The last thing anyone needed was another situation like what happened with their Demo and Solider.

RED gave him an offended look. “I wasn’t going to, dumbass. Now come on, let’s wake them up and get the fuck out of here. I got stuff to do.”

[infinitemelancholie]

I'm an idiot. I'm an idiot and a fool. I couldn't just accept that I honest to God truly am into him. I just couldn't accept for myself that I did have strong feelings for him, probably bordering on loving him. That I was prepared to go the distance with him even if we lived in separate places in the US.

Why did I have to fall for him? Of all people why him? Why was it someone who was taken from me to only come back and for me to lose again? Why do I always lose the ones I want so badly? Why am I such a failure?

Am I just trying to set myself up for failure? Is that why I do what I do? Am I always purposefully picking the impossible ones so that I get burned in the end? Or is it because I know deep down what we have isn't real or special and I'm just trying to make it out to be. I'm just lying to myself that we actually have a strong and deep connection when we really don't. Maybe I'm really not capable of making that kind of connection after all. I've used to consider myself grey romantic for a time and maybe that's just where I stand after all. There's nothing really wrong with that honestly.

It sounds like I'm giving up but honestly it's starting to become a real possibility imo. Maybe I just develop crushes on people but just never really develop deep feelings of love or being in love. Maybe I'm just not capable of that.

But also maybe I'm just really good at staying away from people that I've never really let someone in close enough to develop that kinda bond. Ugh I hate this honestly. I hate everything about this. I hate how I just don't want to do something like that. I hate how much it terrifies me knowing that if I actually want to experience love I have to let myself be open and vulnerable as I was as a kid. I tried that then and I just got annihilated. I guess I really haven't gotten over that hurt yet.

How do I recover from that pain? How do I tell myself that I will be ok if I let others in? That everything will work out if I just have faith? That if I remember all of the cool friends I have and all the cool shit they do that it'll be ok? That I have already made connections to people I love having in my life and that I don't want them to leave and wish them truly the best in everything that they do. That even if finding love is scary and difficult that it'll happen to me if I just allow myself to be open to it happening. That part of finding that kind of love is a matter of working towards it, working on strengthening the bonds I already have. Holding those people close and tight to me and not letting go no matter what. That that kind of love you're searching for and wanting isn't a means to fix who you are but to share in something beautiful with another person. That it doesn't mean they'll do whatever you want them to do and fix whatever problems you have, but will be there for you for the good and bad. That'll probably change you and your life in ways you can't imagine yet. So don't give up little one. I know you're still hurting but I got you now. Me. Adult you. He's going to take care of you now ok? I know trusting me sounds horrible especially since after trusting him you got raped, but it's ok because those weren't your fault. Yes even the one you went to see yourself isn't your fault. None of those times were your fault ok? Just keep telling yourself that because it's the truth.

It's not your fault for having trusted your dad how you did back then. You were only a child. You didn't know better. How could you? You hadn't been alive for that long, and honestly it's not your responsibility to prevent something like that happening to you. It's the responsibility of everyone around you to treat you right and protect and care for you. Like coach does. Like Emmanuel and Damien do. Like Cory and John and Paul and Josh and Donald do. Like Joselyn does. Like Devin does. Like shuo does. Like Micheal and Patrick do. Like Nat does. Like your Miyake team does. Those are the people who care about you. Who think highly of you. Who see you for you. Who want you to succeed. Who will stop at nothing to make sure you get to where you need to be. So don't be afraid of the decisions I make because I've already been making these decisions for you now for a long time. Because I know how to make those decisions for you. Because I know better now than your parents did. I know they tried their best but their best just wasn't what you needed. You needed more than their best. But it's ok now because I can give to you what they couldn't give to you then. I can give you everything you've ever wanted and needed.

I know it sounds too good to be true but I can do those things for you now. I'm always here for you. I'm not going anywhere anytime soon. I'll always be here for you. I'll always keep you safe and secure, and I'll always love you no matter what you do. Because even if you don't always do the right thing you will do the right thing to fix it and make amends. Because everything can be fixed. Nothing is totally over just because you made a mistake.

Maybe he and you aren't getting together anymore and maybe it'll never happen but that's ok. I know it's impossible now but there are people out there who're compatible with you and would make excellent partners for you. Who you'll spend countless days with. Who'll share their love and compassion with you without you needing to ask or work hard for it. They'll just give it up to you and you'll do the same. And it'll be the most perfect thing you've ever experienced. And it'll make you feel like you're on top of the world. There are plenty of partners out there for you to enjoy so don't be afraid to meet them. Don't hold back and go for it. You'll thank me later for when you do.

I think you're starting to trust me now and that's good. Because I want you to trust me. We won't rush or force anything you're not prepared for. We'll take it slow one day at a time. We'll let you run around and have fun and smile again like you were always meant to. Go ahead and be as carefree as you want. I'll handle all the hard stuff. I'll make sure you have what you need and make sure you're well behaved when you need to be. But don't take that as me stopping you for being yourself. I never want you to stop being you. You're a great kid with a good heart and a strong mind. You've always cared about others and did your best to be as good a friend as you could be to others. You've always thought of others and wanted to be there for them. You've never let yourself be cold and harsh to anyone you've ever met. Sure you've had disagreements and maybe at times couldn't fully express yourself to others but you've always always tried to be someone there for other people, and you've always thought of the best in people even when they got on your nerves or pushed your buttons or went too far. Hey sometimes you went too far too. But it's ok because everyone's kinda willing to let by gones be by gones and move forward.

[losthomunculus]

Online Safety Relevant to the Current State of the Internet

On twitter I made a tweet about how online safety lessons in school can be very out of touch but that the advice of people who are familiar with the current internet shouldn't be disregarded. So here's my informal collection of online safety tips

Sources: unrestricted internet access since elementary school (not recommended), being a formerly involuntarily home bound person for several years that amassed way too much online experience

This could possibly hold upsetting reminders to people who had bad experiences online including mentions of grooming and emotional manipulation so please proceed with caution!

Information Sharing

Make an online pseudonym for public profiles and websites.

Don’t feel like you have to list everything about you for the world to see.

Sometimes it’s not a question of “can this information be used to locate and identify me irl?”, but simply “do I want this information publicly available and linked to my online persona?”

Unlike offline, being online leaves a constant trail of who you were accessible at all times. People are constantly growing and changing. Try to limit the information you share so you can ditch that trail and start over if need be.

Sharing information with people you make friends with and trust is a judgement call on your part, but always be on the safe side and be protective of your information.

Start as cautious as possible with online safety. Any risks or judgement calls can come later when you are 1. aware of the risks, 2. ready to address them if they occur, and 3. have gathered plenty of information instead of doing something blindly and hoping for the best.

Do not share your triggers publicly, they can very easily be used against you. Instead use websites with a large amount of filtering options to curate your online experience. If you are going to share them, only do it privately with people you trust.

Importance of Boundaries

It doesn’t matter how mature you are, don’t enter age limited spaces you don’t qualify for. It’s disrespectful to the boundaries of the people who made that space. Boundaries like this exist for the comfort of both sides involved.

Just because you can “handle it” doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Desensitization is not something to brag about.

Venting or making r18 posts as a minor on a public account is VERY dangerous. Intense emotional vulnerability is something manipulators will look for as a way to get to you. The same with sexual jokes to develop your comfort talking about those topics casually and eventually escalating the situation. If you are going to talk about such things please keep that in private conversations with people you trust in your age group.

Note the difference between public and private online space. Tweeting something on a public account is not the same as having a conversation in the cafeteria with your friends.

If an adult tries talking to you about r18, run the other way. Doesn’t matter how cool you are, it says something weird about THEM if they’re willing to talk to a minor about that stuff.

If someone( like 3+ years, honestly depends on how old you are) older than you wouldn't be comfortable saying what they're saying to you in front of other people (like a teacher or guardian), that's suspicious as hell. Run in the other direction.

The younger you are, the more age gaps matter. There's a bigger difference in development between a 13 year old and a 17 year old than there is between a 20 year old and a 24 year old. It helps to try to contextualize it with real people instead of numbers. Instead of thinking "oh just 4 years? that's not that weird" consider "oh. that would be like a freshman (13/14) dating a senior (17/18). yikes."

Be just as wary of people your own age talking about things that make you uncomfortable. Just like irl, sometimes you’ll meet people your age that are hurtful.

Friends complain to each other and talk about their issues, that alone is fine. But when people are doing it without permission, draw a line. When people are making it feel like you’re responsible for maintaining their mental health, you need to draw a line. When it starts to effect your mental health, PLEASE DRAW A LINE! I know it feels like your responsibility sometimes, but it’s not. You cannot be there for others if you’re not taking care of yourself first and foremost.

Don’t be afraid to block people. Even for petty reasons. It’s good to block people. Don’t force yourself to see stuff you don’t want to see.

Being Constantly Online

The 24 hour news cycle is not a good thing to follow 24/7. Taking social responsibility is a good thing, but your brain is NOT built to worry about every issue in the world at once. One strategy I use for staying sane is I try to only check the news once a day, and if something needs more attention to set aside an amount of time I’m going to focus on it before I need to take time to step back.

Touch grass. Not literally, unless you can in which case I highly suggest it, sometimes it’s just good to lay in a field. What I mean is you need to dedicate a good portion of your time to being offline (sleep does not count). What your offline time looks like is going to differ depending on your level of ability, but even if you are house bound it’s important to build some hobbies that don’t rely on the internet. Talking to people offline is also a good goal if possible, even just to your housemates.

Social etiquette greatly differs online and offline and sometimes the reminder that were all just Some People gets lost behind the numbers and the fabricated personas. Keep in mind the difference in how information is shared without forgetting that the fact we are all people remains the same.

Be generous with your etiquette. You will avoid a lot of stress if you conduct yourself with the same politeness you would have in an offline interaction. Master the art of "minding your own business" for your own sake.

Arguments and Competition

As soon as you can, you need to internalize the fact that leaving an argument is not losing.

It is inevitable you will be exposed to many people who disagree with you. Some people only want to argue to rile you up. Sometimes that’s not their intention, but it’s what they’re doing. You do not have to remain in conversation with people, especially if they’re not interested in actually coming to an understanding. Even if they are interested, sometimes they just suck!! Leave!! You can leave!!

On that note, sometimes you are going to get valid criticism and it’s going to hurt. That is part of learning. If someone says you messed up and did something hurtful, take a second to step back from your defensiveness and consider: intent ≠ effect. Apologize, repair what you can, and move forward with the ability to do better in the future. You’re going to mess up every once in awhile, it’s inevitable.

To summarize the past two points: don't waste your time on unnecessary hostility but don't close yourself into an echo chamber either. Debates should be about learning.

Sometimes people are not going to like you. This happens offline too but people tend to be a lot more blunt online. Sometimes people dislike you for no reason or for really petty reasons. That’s not your problem, move on.

Don’t actively seek out people you don’t like or who don’t like you to argue with. Whether or not your side is the “right side” doesn’t matter, it’s going to cause you so much unnecessary stress. Feel free to keep posting your opinions on your own profile but don’t seek out unnecessary conflict.

This is a different type of competition than previously mentioned, but be aware of the danger of comparing yourself to other people. Especially if you’re a creative or student, DO NOT GET SWEPT UP IN THE GRIND CULTURE. It’s more subtle in some places than others, but anytime you see the notion that you should be working yourself to the bone be VERY critical. Also be critical of any online cultures (such as gaming and art communities) that brag about unhealthy habits or act like it’s ~part of the culture~ (ex: all nighters, not taking breaks, getting hurt. Any activity that neglects health to work toward a goal).

Not just grind culture, any community of subculture that shares anti recovery sentiments is a huge red flag. Even if they're joking, it's not worth the risk of internalizing those statements.

Everyone’s social media presence is to some degree doctored because it’s a purposefully selected collection of what they allow you to see. It’s fine to like the persona you see being displayed, but never forget that it is not reflective of the entire person. Everyone online is JUST SOME PERSON. Do not forget that and start holding yourself to a standard you can’t even see every side of.

By posting online you are opening yourself to criticism. Whether or not it’s justified can vary, but either way it’s going to happen. Mute stuff, go private, disable comments, etc if you need to.

Misc Tidbits

these are technically just general info that is also good for offline but I have seen things that make me think people online need the extra reminder.

Learn what cults are, how they recruit, and what they do to their members. I'm not kidding. This is particularly relevant at the moment because of current societal unrest and widespread loneliness. No one is immune to cult propaganda, and not every cult is based on pre established religion or family. Many exist ONLINE and are able to manipulate people without ever meeting face to face. (learn more: Loneliness as a Pandemic: The Dangers of Online Cult

Familiarize yourself with the concept of pseudoscience. Please familiarize yourself with the concept of pseudoscience and then learn how to identify pseudoscience. (learn more: Karl Popper, Science, & Pseudoscience: Crash Course Philosophy #8)

Q. How do I know if a source is reliable?

Final Thoughts

It's important people of ALL ages learn these lessons, because the internet is constantly changing and we are all vulnerable when in the presence of other people.

Be cautious and stay safe

[twistedmusings]

A/N: Planning to post some finished requests tonight thankfully but I wanted to share something super self indulgent with you guys since I just recently got an Alexa! I'm still kind of in a funk (since classes are STILL not over with) so thank you everyone for your kind words in my inbox q wq For now I only have Riddle and Leona...but if everyone likes it I'll make an effort to finish! I kinda am working on Azul's as we speak >:3 Warnings: Boys missing you terribly, Riddle justifying the breaking of rules and Leona realizing that he is talking to an inanimate object.

The Ramshackle Prefect leaves to go to RSA for a month, following a lead that could get them back home. And while the dorm leaders do miss them terribly, it seems one of them is hiding something.

. .

“AZUL-SHI DO SOMETHING.”

The Octavinelle dorm leader barely listened to his friend's request as he also crowded over Idia’s phone, the other five dorm leaders looking down at the screen as a pair of familiar eyes stared back at them.

“Where is Idia? Can you please hand me back to him?”

Riddle blinked at the sprite on the screen before looking back at Idia with a frown.

“Explain yourself, Shroud.”

Idia whimpered as he hung his head low in shame.

“[Y/N]-san...I mean...the Prefect left to go to RSA for a whole month, right? Crowley said it was to help them find a way back home but apparently there was some trouble there too and...and he brought them to fix it...”

Malleus’s neutral expression changes into something a bit sadder while Kalim lets out what everybody was thinking.

“To take them away so suddenly...I didn’t even get a chance to give them a goodbye party!”

“They’re only away for a month, Kalim.” Vil’s eyes stay on Idia’s phone screen.

“But I’m sure a party would have let them know how much I would miss them!”

Riddle clears his throat, “That still doesn’t explain anything about what I am seeing. Why in the world do you have something that looks like...that looks so much like them on your phone!”

Idia was sure this was hell. Of all the people to catch him using his phone during a dorm leader meeting, why did it have to be Riddle? What was he even supposed to answer to that question! That he missed talking to [Y/N]-san about the new animes that were releasing this week that he had purposefully made an AI from data Ortho had collected on them and their mannerisms?

He would rather die!

“I--I was testing a new AI! Just...for schedules and stuff like that! And I didn’t have anything else to base it on so I just took [Y/N]-san’s information and made a prototype! It’s not just going to go out to the public like that! They can customize it however they like--!”

Azul hums as he taps the screen, the sprite giggling as he touches their cheek before looking up at all of them expectantly.

“...A prototype, huh.” he smiles and leans back while taking his phone out, “Everybody stop crowding around him, we might as well be breaking his arm slowly at this point.”

The rest of the dorm leader's move back with only some protest, Idia’s eyes shining as he looks up at his other friend.

“Azul-shi…”

The dorm leader of Octavinelle grins, “If it’s a prototype then that means it needs users, correct? More people to test it out?”

“Eh?”

Azul puts his phone in front of Idia and smiles at him like he was just about to close a rather important business transaction.

“Well then I want the prototype as well. Download it to my phone, will you?”

“Eh?!”

Idia presses his phone to his chest as if Azul was about to take it, looking around nervously as the other dorm leaders take their phones out and set it in front of him.

“If it’s an application for scheduling then I could use it to keep Heartslabyul’s matters in check. I’ll take one too.”

“Ruggie is gonna be busy during exams...this thing better work as an alarm.”

“Surely this would help me keep track of my schedule for both the Monstro Lounge and school. I’ll take one with a statistics program built in, Idia”

“Oh!! I want mine to be able to sing! And can I also get them in Scarabia’s dorm uniform? I want to see what [Y/N]-san would look like!’

“I’ll take that as well. I also want a photo re-touch feature as well as one hour updates as to what is going on in my Magicam account.”

Each phone was placed in front of him as Idia felt his head start to spin. He just wanted to keep this thing a secret only for himself! He wasn’t even planning to release it, it was all just a lie so they wouldn’t know his greatest shame!

A shadow was casted over him, Idia looking up slowly as Malleus smiled and placed his phone down.

“I am eager to see your finished product, Shroud.”

The tarts in front of him looked absolutely delicious.

Trey had really outdone himself this time. The strawberries were cut into perfectly neat shapes and the glaze over them made them so mouth wateringly shiny that he could practically taste the sweet treat without even having to taste it!

Which only made his want of one grow even more.

“And here comes the next batch.” Trey smiles as he puts down another plate in front of him, Riddle’s eyes now staring at that plate while his vice dorm leader cleans himself up.

“When did you say the Unbirthday party was going to be today?”

“A-At three o’clock sharp.”

Trey nods as he looks at the clock in the kitchen.

“Perfect. I promised to meet Jade to get some herbs he has been growing as well as letting him teach me how to make this one soup they had in the Monstro Lounge about a week ago.”

He grabs his phone and heads out, leaving Riddle with a quick goodbye and a promise that he would make it back as quick as possible.

Leaving him all alone with two plates filled with his favourite treat.

The dorm leader looks around once...then twice...checking if anybody was coming into the kitchen before going back to stare at the plates.

It wasn’t like he was going to grab one

The Unbirthday party today would be using pastries that Trey had made yesterday. It was the third of the month so the rules required a completely different pastry. The strawberry tarts were most likely for tomorrow.

So Riddle could wait. He was the Heartslabyul dorm leader after all so not only could he wait but he was required to wait! As the dorm leader he was to set an example and he couldn’t let himself be seduced so easily by just two plates of such yummy looking tarts--!

He quickly takes his phone out and looks down at the screen, face flushing as he tries to remember how Idia told him to open up the new app.

“[Y/N]-san…?”

A face peeks out from the corner of his phone, smiling as it recognizes his face and steps out while giving him a polite bow.

“Good morning, Riddle-san! What can I help you with?”

He can’t help a small rush of excitement at seeing the Prefect’s face after not seeing them for two weeks. Riddle would make an effort to stop and talk to them whenever they made their way to Heartslabyul that not seeing them for so long had almost thrown him off his schedule.

And...he missed the conversations he had with them.

As the dorm leader and a student in NRC he didn’t necessarily have time to go to any other events or take part in any of the shenanigans others would get up to, not that he necessarily wanted to, but it was entertaining when the Prefect talked about it with him.

It felt like they were letting him into their world.

So maybe this substitute would suffice...it was a scheduling app after all so it wasn’t like he was using it for pleasure only.

“Would you please repeat rule 56 of the Queen’s handbook?”

The AI clears their throat as a book animation appears before them.

“Rule number 56: On the third of April, black tea should be served along with pineapple tarts. Followed by a game of cards in which the loser must pour the Queen tea for the rest of the Unbirthday party.”

Riddle sighs as he looks back at the plate of tarts.

“...I guess I’ll wait until tomorrow…”

“Wait until what?”

He looks down at the AI, the sprite blinking in confusion as it waits for an answer. Idia had mentioned adding a conversational feature…

“There is no rule about what to eat tomorrow so I decided that we would have strawberry tarts.”

“Are those your favourite?”

Riddle nods and steps out of the kitchen, making his way to his room as he stared back at the open door.

“They are. Ever since I was little. I couldn’t have many because of--”

He decides to not go deep into the subject.

“I’m sure Trey’s pineapple tarts will be excellent. I will just have to wait until tomorrow to enjoy the strawberry ones.”

The AI hums before the book animation pops up again, looking down and flipping a couple of pages before speaking up.

“Riddle-san. While it does say that black tea should be served with pineapple tarts...it does state that it should be done for the Unbirthday party and the Unbirthday party only.”

He frowns, “Your point?”

“I am sure no rule would be broken if only the Queen has a tea party before the Unbirthday party. From what I am seeing here--”

They flip a couple more pages.

“There is no rule about a tea party of one enjoying a strawberry tart.”

Riddle blinks before looking down at his phone, the sprite smiling as they shut the small book and lets it disappear with a ‘poof.’

No rule would be broken...if it was only a tea part of one?

He looks down at the AI when he hears them giggle.

“Riddle-san looks really happy.”

A blush covers his face at being called out on how big his smile probably was.

“Did I help in any way?”

The dorm leader takes a deep breath before smiling as he looks down at the phone and presses his fingertip on top of their head, rubbing it back and forth as if they were petting them. Something he knew he could never really do with them in real life lest he was looking to get odd looks.

“More than enough. Would you like to accompany me during this tea party?”

“Yes please!”

Riddle nods before looking around once more and clearing his throat.

“And...would you refer to me as ‘dorm leader’ from now on?”

The sprite nods as they give him a polite bow.

“Yes, dorm leader!”

He would need to send his report of the app as quickly as possible, Idia had really outdone himself this time...maybe he could ask if he could get them dressed up in the Heartslabyul uniform?

Riddle still wished you would hurry back.

“Leona-san! Please wake up!”

The blankets on the bed wriggled a bit as the phone was tousled over from one side of the bed to the other, the sprite inside frowning as they tried again.

“Leona-san! Please wake up! Ruggie-san texted you!”

A hand comes out of the blankets before holding the phone up.

“Read the text out loud then.”

Sighing, the AI pulls the text up and reads out loud.

“Please be awake by the time I get there, Leona. I need to make sure I get your signature on these papers for the dorm budget. If you don’t I’ll hold your lunch captive!”

Leona’s face finally pops up from under the blanket, the man sitting up and running a hand through his hair as he speaks up again.

‘Oi. What time is it?”

“It is 3:14 in the afternoon, Leona-san.”

“And when did Ruggie send the text?”

“At 3:00 o'clock.”

He groans and lays back down, the pillows flying about as he holds the phone to his face and smiling when he sees the sprite looking down at him worriedly.

“You really do look like them…” Leona whispers before tapping the screen so that he is poking the sprite’s cheek, “What is that face for?”

“I’m just worried for you, Leona-san. Too much sleep is a symptom of some sicknesses so--”

“Hah? You think I would get sick so easily?” he yawns and stretches, “I’m different from humans. Beastmen need a lot more sleep than regular humans do so...I’m just doing what my body tells me.”

Green eyes watch a notepad appear before the AI as they write down the information, smiling as they close it up and watch it disappear.

“I’ll keep that information in mind so I can serve Leona-san better. Thank you so much.”

Leona blinks at the words before a lazy smile crosses his face.

“Serve me better, huh? Never thought I would hear you say that.”

Usually the herbivore would be frowning and telling him to get up and actually take charge of his dorm and how he didn’t act like any grown up they knew. The sprite, however, tilts their head in confusion before speaking up once again.

“I am yours, after all.”

“Damn right you are.”

He looked at the phone a bit more, the sprite smiling up at him as he poked their cheek or patted their head. A part of him wondered if you would react like that with him as well. You always seemed so annoyed with his antics yet you never failed to come back to talk to him, telling him how he needs to get his act together if he is ever planning to go back to the Afterglow.

Leona would bet money that if he patted your head out of nowhere you would be highly flustered. Getting praise from him was something that didn’t happen often, after all.

“What day is it?”

“The 12th day of April, Leona-san.”

Another two weeks of you being gone. He frowns and closes his eyes as he thinks about you meeting those other students. RSA was just full of idiots...like his brother--

“Dammit.”

He slams the phone down but blinks when he hears a small yelp, turning the phone back around to find the AI looking rather frazzled with their eyes closed and hair all over the place.

“Shit. Are you....okay?”

Great, he was asking an application if it was okay. He could understand why Idia would hide this, right now he felt like he was crazy.

“Y--Yes! It was just unexpected!”

The sprite fixed itself up quickly and smiled back at Leona.

“Are you okay though, Leona-san?”

The dorm leader chuckled and nodded as they set the phone down gently and laid down next to it. At least that part was very much like you, worrying about others before focusing on yourself.

“You’re not going to complain? I almost just threw you.”

Without missing a beat, the AI stands up and looks at him.

“Leona-san is still working hard despite his body telling him to sleep. My program tells me that it would be a natural emotion to feel frustrated if you are not allowed to do something you want. Normal actions of frustration speak of physical manifestations such as kicking, punching or throwing. I was simply calculating it for it to be the latter and for it to happen towards a pillow. I’ll make sure to fix my calculations next time.”

He shakes his head and sets the phone down gently.

“Weird thing. You shouldn’t forgive someone so easily after they wronged you.”

“But you didn’t wrong me, Leona-san. I didn’t feel any pain. I just want to make sure you are feeling your best! You are my number one priority!”

This machine is going to make him go insane, he knows you would never say that but the fact that Idia had gotten your voice down so well that it was almost as if you had just told him he was your number one---

He was already getting a headache.

“Set an alarm for an hour. Ruggie will take around that long anyway.” Leona lays down and wraps the blankets around him.

“Of course. Alarm set for one hour. Would you like to be woken up with a personalized message?”

Leona hummed before grinning.

“Wake me up by calling me ‘King’.”

The sprite fixes its settings before giving a polite bow.

“Yes, my King. Please enjoy your rest.”

After this he would send his report to Shroud and maybe ask for an outfit upgrade. He only needed to show him some Afterglow clothes and the nerd would probably be able to make the AI wear them, right?

Whatever, the moment you came back Leona would make sure that you gave him some headpats for making him wait so long.

[genshin-no-simp]

Diluc x Reader (Smut)

Pairing: Diluc x You/Reader (Female)

6.4k words below the cut.

--------

You liked Kaeya, a lot. And everybody knows it, including the blue haired Captain himself. You tried not to make it so obvious but when Kaeya flirted on with you it was hard trying not to fawn over him.

Currently you were sat in Angel's Share, happily chatting away with Diluc who was behind the bar tonight. You enjoyed his company even if he was a bit rough around the edges. That's what made him so charming, you thought.

"You think Kaeya likes me too?" You asked the red head, who shrugged his shoulders in response while polishing the wine glass.

"It's hard to say but I think so?" For Diluc it was hard watching the woman he fell in love with go on about another man. But he wanted you to be happy even if it wasn't with him. Because for him seeing your smile and happy face was enough for him.

"Hmm okay. I was only wondering since he asked me what my favourite flowers were the other day." You smiled softly at the memory.

"Well it's certainly a possibility..." Diluc couldn't help but frown and feel a tad bit jealous. He wanted to know what your favourite flower was too. Just as he was about to ask, the door to the tavern opened and in came the devil himself along with a woman clung to his side, holding a bouquet of cecilias. Diluc could piece together what's happening.

"(Y/N), don't turn around." He spoke softly, despite the anger seering through him.

You looked at him nervously, "W-why?" You asked in equal softness. What was behind you.

"Ah (Y/N)!" Kaeya cheerily called out. Your heart leaped out of your chest in delight and you spun around to greet him.

"(Y/N)." Diluc wanted to reach out and stop you but it was far too late. Besides its not like he could've done anything to keep you from knowing.

You felt you heart drop at the sight. Who was this woman? Why was she clinging to his arm and why did she have a bouquet of your favourite flowers. Kaeya caught your stare and smirked a little.

"Ah this is my girlfriend?" Kaeya stated ever so casually.

It was as if your world had come crashing down on you. And though you wanted to run away and cry, you held strong and pulled your best smile.

"Aww, that's great. I'm happy for you. Despite the overwhelming saddness you felt, you were happy for him.

...who were you trying to fool? You weren't happy at all. For anyone. Especially that bitch.

You turned away from them, picking up your glass that had been empty since before this perdicament. You sighed feeling even worse, you just wanted to drown your sorrows away. You could feel your eyes burn with tears as you gazed at the bar counter. As you chewed on the inside of your lip, Diluc slid a fresh glass of wine to you.

"Thanks," you forced a smile.

"Don't worry about it." It was the least he could do to try and cheer you up.

That certainly was unexpected. Diluc looked over to the table that now occupied Kaeya and his supposed girlfriend. Who even was she? Diluc didn't regconise her, and he knows everyone in Mondstadt. From what Diluc could deduct, Kaeya was acting no different than usual. He didn't even look as if he wanted to be with that women. So just what was he up to? Regardless of what it was, Diluc knew it wasn't going to be good.

After a while you couldn't stand how happy that girl was. Laughing and giggling like that, it was like she was doing it on purpose to piss you off.

It should be you! You stood from your seat at the bar and fished into your pocket.

"It's fine, (Y/N)." Diluc shook his head. He wasn't about to take money from you, when you hadn't been ordering. He's been the one giving you drinks on the house.

"Oh no, I couldn't Diluc." You continued to rummage through your pocket.

"(Y/N), it's okay. You just head home." He gave you a gentle smile. There was something about it that made you smile back even though you didn't want to.

"I appreciate it." You said your goodbyes with Diluc and didn't stop yourself from taking one final look at Kaeya. You regret doing so when you saw him kiss her hand.

Little did you know, he had planned that. He was watching you the entire time, waiting for the right moment.

When you got into the comfort of your bed, you cried. And you cried till you had fallen asleep. When you had woken up the next morning, the headache you had was unreal but it didn't come close to the ache in your heart. Well heartbroken or not life must go on and you had work to do. It was spring now and the tailors you worked at was getting in the spring stock. You had to be there earlier than usual to help set up shop. This would be a good way to distract yourself from Kaeya.

⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽༓☾∘∙⊱⋅•⋅

It has been two weeks since you last saw the Cavalry Captain. Safe to say you avoided all his usual spots, and just when you thought you were over him, he pops out of nowhere.

"Well look who it is. I haven't seen you in a while. If I didn't know any better, I'd think you were purposefully ignoring me." Kaeya smiled but it seemed to only darken his facial features.

"Of course not. I've just been super busy with work. I haven't even been to the tavern in a while." You giggled hoping he wouldn't question you.

While it wasn't a lie, you were busy with work, especially now in spring a lot more people came in for custom orders. But you weren't run ragged that you couldn't visit the tavern. It was just the other place you avoided like the plague considering it's where Kaeya went when he had time off. Though you were sad you couldn't see Diluc. But were you certain he understood why you didn't go. You would have to make a plan to visit him.

"Hmm," Kaeya leaned in close which made you blush, "well in that case, it looks like you're free now. How about accompanying me to the tavern tonight?" He pinched a strand of your hair between his fingers bringing it to his lips. It was unfair how much this man was affecting you right now.

"I would but I don't think you're girlfriend would like that very much." You sounded a lot more displeased then you had anticipated but Kaeya on the other hand seemed to be pleased with how upset it made you.

"Oh that little bird." Kaeya paused for a bit, "she broke up with me." Kaeya placed a hand over his heart, giving you a sad face. You own expression softening.

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that." Maybe now is your chance.

"Well then, I'll ask again. Will you keep me company tonight?" He leaned in close to you again, you shyly looked away with a blush forming in your cheeks.

"Okay, just for a little while then." You couldn't help but give into him.

⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽༓☾∘∙⊱⋅•⋅

You felt yourself spiral down the path that is Kaeya. Ever since his so called girlfriend had broken up with him, he had been back to your side, well more like he had you wrapped around his finger. You were like his personal little puppy.

Kaeya found it highly amusing how quick you were to run to his side at his beck and call, and that's what made it all the more sweeter to watch you break when he was tired of you.

Which was one of those times, you cried softly at the bar in Angel's Share.

Diluc had closed the tavern early upon seeing your disheveled state when you had entered the bar. Now he sat beside you with his arm wrapped around your shoulder. You rested your head on his and sniffled pathetically.

Diluc couldn't stand to see you like this. He was so heartbroken and he didn't know what to do to help. Killing Kaeya might do the trick. It would definitely devastated you but you would get over him, it would be worth it, in the long run, he wouldn't have to deal with the irritable captain himself. No Diluc wasn't going to kill Kaeya even if he was really tempted right now. As Diluc held you, he wondered what Kaeya was even thinking. Why would he play with your emotions like this? You're such a sweet and caring girl. You were also very hardworking. It wasn't fair on you to be treated this way especially when Kaeya knew you liked him. Kaeya doesn't even deserve your attention. But he doesn't know how to tell you, or if you would even accept it. And maybe he shouldn't tell you how he feels about you, it's probably best if he just stays as your emotional support. It was better that nothing, he thought. He didn't want to ruin anything.

"I'm sorry Diluc. I don't mean to go on like a baby. I just don't understand. Why am I so stupid?" You sniffled, trying your best to dry up your tears that seemed to fall endlessly.

"You're not stupid. Why would you think that?" It made Diluc upset to hear you degrade yourself like that.

"Because I've realized that Kaeya doesn't care about me at all. I'm only a plaything for when he gets bored. Yet I can't seem to stop him." You covered your face with your hands, and began to cry again.

Diluc thought about it for a while. You needed a distraction from Kaeya. He had a plan for that but he didn't know if you would agree to it. The next thing you needed was to stay away from him. But that seemed to prove very difficult for you to do. Diluc would think of something.

"I can help you." Diluc spoke softly giving you a gently squeeze.

You whimpered looking at him. You dreaded to know what you looked like. Red puffy eyes with a equally red and runny nose. The epitome of unattractive ness. Yet Diluc still thought you were as gorgeous as ever.

"You can?" You blew your nose with a tissue.

"You need a distraction, so use me." Diluc was being so soft with you. Since he was always so stoic and monotone it was weird seeing him like this but it was certainly pleasant. Somewhere it made you feel special.

"Use you?" You weren't too sure what he meant at first but then it clicked, "No Diluc, I can't." You shook your head.

He was afraid of this, not that he didn't expect it of course. He knew you weren't that type of person.

"It's fine, I want to help you." His arm around your shoulder dropped to your waist pulling you closer to his side. Your breath caught in your throat. He was pleasantly warm.

"But I can't do that to you." It wasn't right. You couldn't use Diluc in that type of way. You'd rather go to a brothel...maybe not you weren't too fond of the either of random men touching you.

Diluc lifted your chin so you were looking at him. His ruby eyes pierced through you, lighting your core on fire, "I don't want some random person touching you." He couldn't help but frown at the idea, that some strange man or woman would touch you and...no that wasn't going to happen. He wouldn't allow it.

You found it incredibly sweet but strange, why was he so adamant about it? That's when you figured it out.

"Diluc...do you have feelings for me?" You asked softly while looking up at him.

He averted his eyes from you briefly. He supposed he shouldn't be surprised that you figured it out. But now it would be even harder for him to get you to agree.

"I do." He looked back at you.

It made sense now why he was different with you. Why he was so gentle and soft with you. And that's why you couldn't accept his offer.

"And that's why I can't." Your voice as below a whisper as he brought his face closer to yours.

"You don't need to worry about my feelings. Let me help." He cupped your cheek. Your heart began to race. Was this really okay?

"I'll make you a promise. We can set boundaries later, for now just submit yourself." Diluc closed the gap between your lips and kissed you.

You didn't make any move to stop him and instead gave into him. Diluc was glad to feel you had accepted when he felt your lips press back against his. He pulled up you off your stool and onto his lap. Your legs draped either side of him as you straddled him. Your arms wrapped around his neck as you pressed yourself against Diluc's chest while his hands gripped tightly at you hips.

Diluc had to admit it was nice finally having you against him like this. So much so he was having a hard time holding himself back. But he had to for your sake. This was about you after all. And he was going to do everything he could to get you to forget about Kaeya.

Slowly he removed himself from you. You panted softly feeling a little sad at the loss. A light blush dusted your cheeks. Diluc removed himself from his seat and gently he set you onto the ground.

"I have a room above the tavern." He took your hand and lead you out of Angel's Share and up the stairs that were connected to it.

You were always curious as to what this room was but you never thought it would be a living quarters. Thought it did make sense, the Dawn Winery was a quite a distance away.

Upon entering Diluc made sure you were completely comfortable before he did anything, even if he himself was getting incredibly restless and uncomfortable in his pants.

Diluc started by gently kissing your neck while his hands lightly roamed your body. Slowly but surely he removed each layer of clothing, making sure to give every part I'd your body equal attention.

Kissing, licking, sucking, touching.

Every action drove you deeper into ecstasy. Soon you were tugging his clothes off. Your back arched as you let out a moan. You gripped the bedsheets below you tightly as you felt Diluc enter you. His large girth stretched you wide despite all the prep work he did with his mouth and fingers. You pulled him close latching yourself onto his lips. Diluc groaned softly into yours as he ravaged you. He would enjoy this type of intimacy while it lasted.

Your climax was nearing and quick, you begged to Diluc to go faster and he happily complied. Picking up the pace he thrust into you deeply. It wasn't long till you were coming all over him with a loud moan. Which in turn caused Diluc to cum inside the condom he had on. He panted softly as he slowed his thrusts to help you ride out your high.

Once your breathing returned to normal, Diluc slid out and sat at the edge of the bed. You rolled onto your side and your eyes fell on his back which was married with scars. You realized just how hard he worked to keep Mondstadt safe. You reached out with your hand to touch his back when he turned his head to look at you. Quickly you retracted your hand.

"Are you okay?" He asked concerned.

You gave a gentle smile. Honestly you felt great and it was thanks to Diluc.

"Yeah I am." You yawned soon after and giggled, "just a little sleepy."

Diluc smiled in return, "well you can sleep here if you want. I still have some things I need to take care of." He said as he started to dress himself.

You took Diluc up on his offer and after he was gone, you dressed yourself and was soon fast asleep. When you woke up the next morning, you could hear the birds chirping.

"Good morning." Diluc's voice called out from the mini kitchen. He brought over a cup of coffee for you, which you gladly accepted. Then he handed you a piece of paper.

"Morning. What's this?" You took a sip from your cup and looked at the paper now in your hand.

"I told you, we would set some boundaries right?" He sounded a bit indifferent.

"Ah right." You nodded and you both proceeded to set up your boundaries.

When the list was complete, these were the conditions:

1. No kissing.

2. No frontal sex.

3. No hickies.

4. No oral (except you receiving).

5. No aftercare.

You felt a bit guilty about the fact that Diluc didn't ask for anything in return. But he reassured you that he was fine, since this wasn't about him anyway. He was doing this for you which in the end made you feel even worse. But you accepted it.

Whenever you needed the distraction, Diluc was always there to provide for you. You did your best not to go to him too often. You were glad you were still able to talk to him and hang out around him without things being weird. And it was thanks to the boundaries that you two had set. Diluc too was happy you didn't distance yourself from him and he did his utmost best to contain his feelings for you so he wouldn't make things awkward, even if it was difficult for him. Though he supposed it wasn't all that bad, he got to have you after all. He just wished you actually his.

You had to admit Diluc had helped you a lot by doing this for you. You just wished you could do something in return for him but you didn't know what, so instead, in your time off and after work and providing Diluc wasn't gone off somewhere you would take the chance to learn about him. You found that the both of you had a few things in common. Like birds for instance. You loved birds they were so beautiful and graceful. There were also so many different types. So you were delighted to find out that Diluc had his own bird companion and you were ecstatic when he showed you his nightingale. You were like a giddy child when you were able to pet him. Diluc fell harder for you after this moment. It was becoming harder for him to keep this up.

The more time you spent with Diluc, the more you thought about the red head. He was so different to Kaeya in every way. For one he actually cared about you and your feelings, he didn't use you for his own amusement. And everytime you were near him you felt so at ease like nothing else in the world matter. This feeling that you had towards the Pyro user...was it love? But then what had you felt for Kaeya? Perhaps Kaeya was just an infatuation. You were confused, you had to think about it more.

⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽༓☾∘∙⊱⋅•⋅

It's been about a month now since you started this arrangement with Diluc. Things had gotten a better for you. You didn't fawn over Kaeya as much as you used to. Naturally the blue headed male noticed and he was hardly amused by it. But he could still sway you every now and again. You still had no idea why he held this power over you, you guessed you still weren't fully over him. That was until both Kaeya and Diluc got sent out on a mission together.

You had no idea how Jean had managed to persuade Diluc into working for the Knights never mind with Kaeya. It made you a little nervous when they had both left Mondstadt. You knew about they're unstable relationship and honestly you were more worried about Diluc than you were with Kaeya. Diluc was more temperamental. He fell into Kaeya's bait traps everytime. You couldn't help but pray that everything would be okay and that Kaeya wouldn't annoy Diluc too much.

You were starting to get incredibly restless as the days went by. The boys still hadn't returned and it's been five days now. They should have been back by now. To keep yourself from worrying to death you kept busy at work and you tried not to bother Jean or the other Knights too much with regards to them. Jean reassured you that you would be the first person she would notify once they had returned.

During their time away it gave you time to think about both of them and what they meant to you.

When you thought about Kaeya. His looks and appearance was the first thing that caught your attention. He was exotic and unfathomably handsome. He was hot sure but his personality was a major let down. All he did was use people for his own gain and amusement, he didn't really care about anyone but himself, as long as his plan went accordingly, that's all he cared about.

When you thought about Diluc. He made you happy. Neither his looks nor personality was what came to mind first but instead it was how he made you feel. He actually made you feel appreciated and loved. Of course you knew his true feelings for you and that's one of the reasons he was so kind to you but even before you knew, he still treated you kindly and respected you. But besides that you found him adorable. He wasn't used to affection or having friends so sometimes he came across meaner than intended and his intentions were pure, it's what made him cute. And its not like he wasn't attractive. In fact he was absolutely stunning. Dressed or undressed.

You blushed deeply thinking about it. You only ever get to see him naked briefly before you were face down on the mattress. You felt your body grow hot thinking about it. Kaeya was never as thoughtful as Diluc. Diluc only thought about your feelings, he was never selfish. If anything you felt like the selfish one.

But you would change that, you understood now. Diluc was the one you loved and for a while now not Kaeya. You only hoped Diluc still felt the same.

⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽༓☾∘∙⊱⋅•⋅

As you were walking home one evening, there was a commotion at the front gates. Curious you went over to investigate. Your heart both leapt with joy and sunk at the same time. In an instant you were over to Diluc's injured body, swating away the other Knights who dared try to help. Diluc was surprised to see you and how protective you were being of him but he was grateful, not to mention the happiness that he felt was unreal. He couldn't stop the small blush that graced his porcelain skin.

Kaeya on the other hand finally understood why it had been getting increasingly harder to charm you. He was annoyed he had to find a new plaything to train.

You walked Diluc to the room above Angel's Share upon his request. You had insisted on going to Barbara but Diluc was adamant that he didn't need to see a healer. You only sighed and instead began to patch him up instead after you convinced him to take a bath. Now with clean skin you could clearly see all the wounds on his body not only that but he definitely had at least one broken rib with how deep his side was bruised.

"Diluc, you-"

"I don't need a helaer." He cut you off. You frowned looking at him. You knew the basics of first aid but that was about it. This was out of your comfort zone.

"I'll tell you what to do." He could see the worry in your eyes. It wasn't the first time he's been injured like this or even worse. He's learnt how to deal with all sorts of injuries by himself. This thought upset you. Diluc's been alone for so long and he's been willing to let you in. You wouldn't waste it.

You gave a small nod and followed his instructions. Who knew sweet flower oil and mist flowers combined had healing properties? Not you, but you did now. You began to bandage his wounds after thoroughly rubbing the oil onto his skin. It felt nice to be able to touch him. If he wasn't so injured you would've pounced on him here and now. You made sure to be careful not to wrap the bandage too tight. Sitting back you observed his body more, just like his back, his chest and arms were also littered with scars. Your heart swelled thinking again about how much he does to protect his home and it's people.

"What's wrong?" He asked. You didn't realize you had spaced out while staring at his chest. Lifting your gaze to his you gave a small shake of your head.

"Oh it's nothing." You smiled.

"Are you sure? Do you need-"

It was you're turn to cut him off, "You're in no state doe that. Besides that's not it. I was just thinking." You said packing away the access oil and bandages.

Diluc tilted his head to the side. You giggled softly, "don't worry Diluc. I was only thinking about you." You winked.

Diluc blushed deeply and to distract himself he began putting his shirt back on. Once he was a little calmer he asked you why.

"Because you need rest, you work too hard." You grabbed his coat from him, and he gaped in shock.

"Well if you want this you'll have to get in here." You pulled the duvet back revealing the tempting bedsheet underneath.

"Are you trying to blackmail me with my coat?" He asked not even believing it when he said it out loud.

You gave a soft giggled, "I mean, if it's working than yes." Diluc couldn't help but chucked himself.

"Alright then." Diluc smiled softly.

He decided to give you this one and get into bed. Besides he would need to recover his strength quickly in case you needed him.

⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽༓☾∘∙⊱⋅•⋅

As soon as Diluc had recovered you had visited him at the Dawn Winery. Where you sat straddling his lap, your hand in his hair as you ravaged his lips.

Diluc was surprised when you had unexpectedly arrived at the manor and whisked him away to his office. You would've taken him to his bedroom but that was too far unlike his office, where you had him seated on the couch. It was unlike you to ever initiate like this, Diluc was unsure what to think of it, but he would be lying if he wasn't enjoying it. The feeling of your lips against his as your tongues fought for dominance, that he gladly gave to you once he felt the fervour and intensity you held. And the feeling of your fingers tangled in his disheveled fiery hair you light tugs every now and again was driving him insane.

But what did this mean? Perhaps it was best not to know, in case he recieved an answer he didnt want to hear. But he didn't want to do this anymore. Especially if this is what it was coming to. But he would soon find his fears were for nothing.

Removing your lips from his a string of saliva connected you to him.

"Diluc?" You whispered softly, removing your hand from his hair you cupped his cheek gently, rubbing your thumb over his plump moist lips.

Diluc shivered under your touch as his lips parted ever so slightly. Experimentally you slipped your thumb inside his mouth. Diluc let out a soft moan as he sucked on your finger. A satisfied hum escaped your throat.

"Diluc?" You asked again, removing your hand from his face.

His eyes meet yours in silent question. His chest heaved with heavy breaths.

"Do...do you still love me?" You couldn't stop the shake in your voice.

Without hesitation he spoke, "of course I do." His hands gripped your hips tightly as he pulled you closer to his chest. You bit your lip feeling his erection through his pants.

"Thank goodness," you pressed yourself against him, closing any distance that was between you two, "I love you too."

Without giving him any time to really process you smashed your lips against his once again.

You loved him? Diluc never thought he would hear those words come from your mouth, as sad as that sounded. He couldn't help but push you away. which left you quite upset.

"Diluc?" Your heart sunk. Did he not actually love you?

Diluc saw the hurt in your eyes and immediately regret pushing you away but he needed to be clear about this.

"Sorry, I just want to be sure." He felt guilty about it but it had to be done.

Now you felt selfish, being so greedy and not taking Diluc's feelings into consideration. So you cupped his cheeks resting your forehead against his.

"Sorry I was being a bit selfish wasn't I?" You smiled softly, "but it's true, I love you. And it's not like how I was with Kaeya, he was an infatuation I realized. But you Diluc, I want to be with you. I don't want to be apart from you."

Diluc could hear and see the love and affection you had for him, he didn't know why he had doubted you, but he just wanted to be on the same page.

"I'm sorry it took so long, it must've been tough for you. But I promise, this is a two way street now," your eyes shone mischievously. Diluc was both nervous and excited at the same time.

"Diluc~" you cooed into his ear.

A shiver went down Diluc's spine as he gave a little hmm, that more came out as a moan than a question.

"You've done so much for me." You licked the shell of his ear. You felt his grip tighten on your hips holding you desperately close.

"Let me," you gave his ear a little kitten lick, "show you my appreciation." You lightly nibbled and sucked on his ear while grinding down against him.

Diluc gasped, his hips instinctively bucking up into you. You let out a little "ah" into his ear before working down his jaw with soft butterfly kisses. You made quick work of his dress shirt. You were grateful he wasn't wearing his coat or his vest. Dragging your fingers down his chest, you attacked his neck with your mouth, you began leaving dark hickies on his pale skin.

Diluc's hands moved on their own, one travelling up your shirt, his bare hand caressed your waist, squeezing and pulling you closer, while the other had slipped into your shorts to massage your butt cheek.

You hummed in delight, your hands dropping further down his abdomen to his black pants. You teasingly tugged on them, eliciting a grunt from the male beneath you.

You gave him one final kiss on the lips before lowering yourself off his lap and onto your knees, pulling his pants down with you. Diluc watched impatiently as you slide your hands up his thighs, you could feel how the muscles on his thighs tensed under your touch. You giggled softly, it was cute watching him squirm for your touch. You reached up further palming him through his boxers. Diluc bit his lip, it was so unbearably tight but it felt good at the same time.

"(Y/N)." He wanted you and he was getting a little desperate.

"Just be a little more patient love~" you cooed softly giving him a few strokes. Diluc grunted tilting his head back. That's when you took the opportunity to pull his boxers down, freeing his hard leaking member.

Your eyes widened at the sight, you couldn't believe how he could fit inside you. But you weren't going to complain. Spreading his legs slightly so you could sit between them, you leaned down licking his tip. Diluc shuddered picking his head back up to gaze down at you just as you took his tip into your mouth.

Diluc's hand found purchase in your hair, the feeling of your hot mouth around him caused him to push you further down. He wanted to feel more of you. You moaned around him, your mouth stretching wide to try and accommodate his size. You gave soft sucks while pressing your tongue against a vein on the underside of his member. Diluc bucked into your mouth, pushing deeper inside. You winched softly due to the light burning sensation in your mouth. It would take some time before you got used to this, but you weren't going to back out so soon.

Diluc moaned giving your cheek a gentle rub. As if it apologize for the pain. Your eyes fluttered closed at the simple gesture. Diluc could feel how you relaxed your mouth, deciding to be a little selfish he thrust into your mouth again. You choked on a moan as your eyes opened to gaze up at him. His eyes meet yours with a burning passion that set your core on fire. You couldn't help but moan at the sight. Each moan you made sent vibrations down Diluc's throbbing member. He began to thrust lightly into your mouth, he didn't want to hurt you after all. But you wouldn't mind if he was a little rougher with you. So you reached up with your hand, sliding it from his thigh to his balls, and massaged them.

"Shit." Diluc swore as he furrowed his eyebrows, his hips jotted upwards roughly into your mouth, his tip brushing the back of your throat. You did you best not to gag, and moaned around him. Your saliva dripped out the corners of your mouth and down the sides of Diluc's cock.

Diluc didn't know how much longer he could last like this. You truly were a sight to behold, watching you struggle to take his cock but yet do so well for your first time with him.

"B-baby, wait," he called out as he slowed his thrusts. You took his cock out your mouth with a wet pop. You licked your lips panting softly through lidded eyes.

You stood up and slipped free from your clothing, letting it pool on the ground. Once you were bare in front of him Diluc wasted on time in pulling you back onto his lap. Diluc could feel how wet you were for him, when his cock slipped between your folds.

"Look how excited you are." He cooed, pressing his tip against your needy hole.

"Oh Luc please," you firmly gripped his shoulders as you pushed yourself down onto him.

Diluc grinned as his nails dug onto the flesh of your hips.

"You beg me, yet proceed to take matters into your own hands." He certainly was not complaining. In fact it thoroughly turned him on, he was loving this side of you.

Instead of giving him a proper reply you mewled out his name, and continued to sink onto his cock. You never got used to this feeling. How he stretched you out and filled you so good. Your walls tightened around Diluc as he helped you up and back down onto him. Despite his previous sessions with you, this felt so different and so good. It was intimate.

Bringing your lips to his slightly parted ones, you stuck your tongue inside and began bouncing up and down on him. Diluc moaned into your mouth but this time dominance was his. He pushed your tongue back into your mouth as he claimed your hot cavern for himself. Your hands fell from his shoulders and to his chest, your fingers grazing over his nipples. Diluc groaned feeling you clench around him again. Breaking the kiss he pushed you down onto the couch as he spread your legs wide. You wanted to protest but this new position allowed Diluc to hit that special spot inside you. All previous thoughts disappeared as Diluc rammed into. You screamed in pleasure as he abused your g-spot that he's learnt so well.

Between your moans was the wet slapping sound as Diluc thrust into you. Your slick coated his length and seeped out of your pussy, it made it so easy for Diluc to ram into you. Diluc leaned down to attack your open neck, your arms instantly wrapped around his neck pulling him closer. Just as you did, Diluc left many love bites on your skin, from your neck to your chest.

You could feel the familiar knot bubble inside you, and Diluc could feel it. He could feel how your body trembled and your walls convulse around him, sucking him in deeper. He panted and groaned gripping your hips he lifted them up. Throwing your head back you came heavily on Diluc's cock. His grip tightened and he came inside you. You let out one final moan as you felt him fill you up. It was hot.

Diluc waited a few moments before pulling out of you and gently placing your hips back down. You let out soft gasps as you came down from your high. You gazed up at Diluc and smiled reaching out for him. The red head returned your smile and leaned down, letting you pull him down onto your chest as you held him close.

Diluc muzzled into your breasts letting out a content sigh. That's when he realized he didn't use protection and started freaking out. He pulled away from you in a panic, the abruptness scared you as you held your arms to your chest.

"What's wrong?" You asked concerned.

"I didn't use protection." He wasn't against having children, he just didn't want to have any too soon.

But you only sighed in relief waving him off, "it's fine, I started taking birth control, a while ago."

Diluc looked at you with a raised eyebrow, "define, a while ago."

"Right after you returned from your mission." You sat up to face him properly.

Diluc found himself smirking, "oh so you planned this?"

You couldn't help but blush and look away from him without answer. Which resulted in a chuckle from the Winery owner.

You were gently pushed back down onto the couch, "I mean I'm not going to complain, I get to fill you up until I'm satisfied."

You shuddered in delight and pulled him closer, "I'll take everything you give me."

Diluc grinned, "good girl." He praised sliding back into your still wet hole.

[biaswreckme]

how to care for your hybrid | jjk

Pairing: hybrid!Jungkook/Reader

Member: Jungkook

Length: 5253 words

Genre: smut, fluff, angst, 5+1

Rating: 18+

Triggers/Warnings: smut, hybrid smut, oral (f receiving), fingering (f receiving), insinuation of past abuse (but nothing explicit or even saying what happened), mention of abandonment 

Project: @btscreatorscorner​ March workshop with the theme push the limits

Summary: how to care for your hybrid, or 5 times you cared for bunny hybrid!Jungkook and one time he took care of you

A/N: So this was supposed to be a drabble and it turned out to be a 5k fic. Alright. This was written for this month’s workshop for BTS Creators’ Corner network, and the theme was to push the limits. I had never written a hybrid fic before, so I interpret the theme as coming out of my writing comfort zone (even though it’s still smut...) Thankssss to my lobely lobely betas, @heejinnien​ for beta-reading the sfw parts of this fic, and to @taegularities​​ for beta-reading the nsfw bit :3 I love you girls ♥

You can find the sequel here.

1. Provide them with a comfortable home

You still remembered the day you had brought Jungkook home from the shelter. You had gone with a friend, just as a companion, not intending nor really wanting to adopt a hybrid. Sure, you’d feel lonely sometimes, living by yourself and in a foreign country, but the thought of adopting a hybrid had never crossed your mind. Adopting a plant? Sure. Adopting a cat? Maybe. Adopting a hybrid? Never. Until you saw him, that is.

The shelter was legit, your friend had said, having done her research. But the place still made you uncomfortable; the creatures, those people, inside the divisions - you refuse to think of them as cages - waiting for someone to help. You had to bite your lip to keep from crying upon seeing them, knowing it was a rescue shelter, and then your eyes crossed with his.

There was some magnetic energy in the air that had pulled you closer to his unit until you could read the informational pamphlet: he was named Jungkook, a rescue bunny hybrid. Your gaze had immediately shifted to the man again; he was only a couple of years younger than you, but there had been something about his gaze that almost hypnotized you. He had such wide, expressive, and round eyes glistening with moisture and paired with his ears drooping low on the back of his head, you could not resist it.

There would be a home inspection and you would need to get some provisions to fulfill all the exigencies, but you rushed to get everything together. They had provided you with a list of items to make the bunny hybrid comfortable and ease the transition, and you did not hesitate, deciding to worry about the credit card bills later.

And so you took him home. He had clung to you entering the apartment, slowly exploring the space and showing where he would be sleeping. At the shelter, they had told you the hybrid would need an appropriate bed, but you hadn’t felt comfortable just getting a bunny bed at the store, so you got him a real and human bed, wanting him to feel at ease enough to not need to shift into a full bunny to sleep - they had also told you he tended to do that, sleeping as a bunny because he did not feel comfortable in his hybrid human-like body.

You had gotten the basics necessary for the approval of the adoption, and then you took him to the store, letting him choose his own things. It would be a while until that wide-eyed, surprised look would leave his expression, even when you were alone at the apartment and just hanging out on the couch on a Sunday night. That first night, giving him the blankets and tucking him in, you promised to take care of him, and you could barely hear his voice in reply, so small and shy, even though he was much taller - and more muscly - than you. It did not feel right that he had to make himself so quiet and small if that was even possible, so you swore to yourself that you would do everything to help him come out of his shell.

And soon you would find yourself in the company of a very loud and boisterous bunny, no shame about singing, his love for gaming until late hours, and working out. And you could not avoid falling in love with him.

2. Make sure they are getting appropriate food

It was a Friday night, you got home tired after a long day at work, and you smiled to yourself, biting your own lip upon the sight that greeted you upon entering the apartment. A shirtless Jungkook, towel haphazardly thrown over his shoulders, his torso glistening with sweat from working out in your living room. He lifted his head upon hearing you enter, a big smile lighting up his face and his long ears pointed up. He got up and made a movement to hug you.

“Hi, noona!”

“Oh no, you don’t,” you barely ducked out of the day. “Jungkook, you’re sweaty…”

He was faster than you, predicting where you were going to dodge his new attempt at enveloping you with his arms, something he had been picking up whenever you joined him in a boxing workout. His arms quickly went around your body, pressing you against him, your forearms up in the failed endeavor of avoiding getting his sweat all over you. He hugged you tight, his chin resting on your shoulder and you felt one of his ears on your head as his entire body seemed to tremble, and as you looked down you saw his tail wiggle from side to side rapidly.

“You’re finally home,” he sighed, swaying you softly from side to side.

“Is everything okay, bun? I’m sorry I’m late, they had me stay…”

“I’m so hungry,” you could almost see the pout, knowing the small lisp that came out whenever he pursed his lips and whined.

You looked around the living room, seeing the empty protein shaker bottle on the coffee table, narrowing your eyes.

“Didn’t you have your shake? You were working out.”

“Well, I did…” he started.

“We went grocery shopping and there are still some veggies and fruit cut up from our weekend meal prep, bun,” you felt him hiding his face even more on your shoulder, squeezing your body. “What’s going on? Am I forgetting something?” There was a slightly teasing tone in your voice, knowing what he wanted.

“You promised…” his voice was a mumble, muffled by the way his pouty lips were pressing on your body, but before you could ask him to repeat, “You promised pizza night, noona.”

“I know, bun, I haven’t forgotten it,” you stepped away from him, looking into his eyes and seeing his demeanor change completely.

“Oh?”

“I made the order when I was stuck at a red light. I got your favorite,” you were about to continue, but was interrupted by his sweaty hug again, this time accompanied by a chuckle.

“Ok, we have just enough time to shower before it arrives, so let’s run and get ready.”

You were right and there was just enough time to quickly wash the day - and Jungkook’s sweat - away. You set up the coffee table while he went to get the pizza, knowing it would be hot and he would almost drop it entering the apartment as usual. You sat side by side on the floor in front of the small table, turning the television on to the show you have been binging, your backs propped up against the sofa.

Jungkook was usually very strict with his diet, being mindful of the food he ingested to maintain his physique and try to lower his body fat percentage - which was crazy to you, his muscles were already prominent and he seemed to get only bigger… how were you supposed to leave the house to work when you had your bun looking like that, especially early mornings, his hooded half-open eyes almost smiling at you wishing you a good day at work. Your fridge was always full of fresh and cut-up vegetables, fruit, and greens, catering to his diet (and you had to admit you have been eating much better since he entered your life). Sometimes you thought it was all his difficulties from before, his time spent in the shelter, that he had such a love for a cheesy hot pizza every once in a while during the weekend.

And how could you say no to him when he purposefully lowered his ears, pouted, and widened his big round eyes even more to convince you?

3. Explore new things together

“Come on baby, you said you wanted to try this. It’s just us now.”

“Y… yes, noona. It’s just so… big.” Jungkook’s eyes were wide open, looking at the size of the pool in the club. For as much of a muscle bunny he was, the sheer magnitude of the pool seemed to scare him.

He first brought up the idea when you were watching tv a few days ago, some random program late at night showing people on a beach, and Jungkook had seemed to be fixated on the screen. He wanted to visit the sea, for he had never been there before. You agreed to it, but you had to admit that you were scared too, so you compromised: you would start your water adventures at a pool, so he could test things out, see if he truly enjoyed being in the water and swimming.

A few calls later there you were, standing by the water. You picked a time when they said people weren’t usually in - it even involved getting a day off work so you could go this early, but you would do everything for Jungkook. You looked at him, observant, watching his reactions carefully. His ears were down the back of his head, his hands clenched together in front of his shirtless torso, his front teeth worrying into his bottom lip. You took one of his hands into yours and started taking him in the direction of the small ladder to enter the pool. For a moment you wanted to jump in, but you didn’t want to make him even more nervous.

“It’s okay, bun, we’re going into the shallower part so most of your body will be above the water, ok?”

He nodded, but still seemed hesitant to get in, waiting for you to do it first. You stepped down the small ladder, showing him that almost half of your body was above the water, that he would be safe and didn’t need to worry about this part. The water was on the warmer side; you thought going for the hot pool was the best idea to help him feel comfortable at first. He stepped in feet by feet, slowly, his nose scrunched, but the moment he felt the warmth on his feet it was like magic: his ears shot up and his eyes widened in surprise, his mouth coming into a small circle.

You smiled encouragingly and stepped back, giving him some space, seeing him put one of his feet to the bottom and then the other, grounding himself. He was taller than you and he noticed the difference in the level of the water surrounding you. You lowered your body, telling him you were doing it first so as not to frighten him and submerged yourself to get your hair wet. When you emerged, you saw his eyes were wide again, but his ears were not down as before. There was a glint of curiosity in his expression and you nodded in encouragement for him to try it out.

“It’s just like when you wet your hair in the tube, bun. Here, hold on to my hands and remember to hold your breath.”

He did so, holding them tightly in his fists as he bent his knees and lowered his body. You chuckled slightly when you saw that half of his ears were still out of the water, so you quickly untangled one of your hands from his and lightly pressed on them so they were submerged too. He got up and shook his head, water droplets flying everywhere. He started laughing when he saw you put your hands in your eyes, and you couldn’t help but laugh along with him.

“Good?”

“Yes, noona, it’s good.”

“Are you ready to go a bit deeper?” His long ears perked up at your question, but his face seemed apprehensive. “Not much, we’re not swimming today, just going a bit more so you can maybe try floating.” His head moved up and down, agreeing to the idea, and you couldn’t help but think it was so cute the way his ears moved too.

You grabbed both his hands again so you were looking at each other as you slowly started to step back further into the deeper part of the pool. You didn’t rush, letting him adjust to the increasing level of the water, and only moved when he seemed comfortable. Jungkook always loved to have baths, so you figured he would love going to the pool too, especially a hot one. His smile got wider with each step, feeling more confident and safe with you. When the water hit your shoulders, you stopped and let his hands go.

“Bun, let’s try floating, ok? We’re starting small today, so you can just come closer and put your arms around my shoulders.” You said as you turned your back to him, and almost immediately you felt his arms around you. “Good! Now try letting your feet rise from the floor, let your body float a little.”

He tentatively lifted his feet, clinging to you harder as his body moved with the slow slushing of the water.

“I’ve got you, Kook,” you said as you pressed your hands to his. “I’m not letting go. Trust me, bun. Kick your feet back and put your weight on me.”

You felt him kick the water behind you, his strong arms flexing as he let his weight fall onto you. You knew the moment he started to float and enjoyed it; he pressed his face against your neck and started giggling, and when you looked at him, his nose was scrunched with happiness. His long ears were slightly facing backward, his eyes half-closed, and his little tail wiggling. You walked around the same area of the pool while he kicked his feet behind him, laughing freely as he enjoyed himself. As soon as you taught him to swim you would be taking a small holiday on the beach; you wanted to see this joy in him forever.

This moment was worth everything.

4. Make sure they are getting enough attention

“Morning, noona.”

You heard his voice, so gentle and still thick from sleep, waking up to the sound and the small kisses, his lips softly pressing against the back of your neck, his nose smelling your hair, his warm chest pressed against your back. You made an attempt to move your body but he tightened his arms around you.

“No moving yet, noona.”

“Morning, bun. What are you doing?”

“Just making sure you’re not going to leave my arms today,” he started, and you noticed his voice was heavy with emotion.

“Bun?”

He stayed quiet, hiding his face on your shoulder blades, and you did not say anything else until you felt it, until you felt them. There were small droplets of tears falling on your skin, and you turned around quickly to look at him fighting his embrace. Your hands immediately went to his face, wiping his cheeks, seeing him close his eyes and just quietly crying. Whenever he got like this, he would usually be quieter, needing to talk in his own time, so you did not ask him anything else, giving him space to let his feelings out. All you did was press your forehead against his and wipe his tears with your thumbs, and when you saw he would not stop so soon, you hugged him, letting your shirt dampen without caring about it. The moment you cradled his head against your chest, sobs started to wreck his body, making him shake and you could feel tears gathering in your own eyes. You had no idea how long you were like that, slowly caressing his hair, minding his long ears, but all that mattered was Jungkook. Slowly you felt his body starting to shake less, his hard sobs turning into small hiccups as he almost clawed at your back, needing to be closer to you.

“You’re… you’re not leaving me, right, noona?” His voice was quiet, but his question was too loud in the silence of the bedroom on a Saturday morning.

“Jungkook… no, love, I’m not leaving you,” your heart started to crackle with this question, and you pressed him against you even more. “Why, why do you think that, bun?”

He sniffled, pressing his nose against you and inhaling deeply, then said, his tone still small, “I’m feeling lonely… this past week…”

“Oh, Kook…” it seemed impossible, but you held him even closer to you, “I’ve been just too busy and exhausted from work, I know I got here yesterday and you were already in bed… I’m sorry, I’m sorry...”

He sniffled again and you felt a new wave of fresh tears wetting your clothes.

“I thought…” he started, but his voice faltered. “I thought I made you mad. I thought you were angry at me… and that…” there was a small sob that shook his entire body, “I was scared, noona, I was scared you were going to take me back.”

You could not stop your own tears from falling on top of his head; you had no idea he had felt that way. You had tried texting him during the day whenever you could have a moment for yourself at work throughout this insane week, but again and again, they demanded more hours from you and you did not have the chance to say no. Jungkook was still finding his freedom and footing in the world, and it had worried you that you had to leave him to spend more time by himself than usual. But you never expected this reaction, and you made up your mind. They could ask someone else at work, why did it always have to be you?

“No, Kook… Listen, bun,” your voice trembled, so you paused to be more stable when talking to him. “I’m so sorry you were alone this week, this is not going to happen again, I promise. And the day you came home with me I made a promise, remember? I’m never taking you back unless you want to go.”

He shook his head quickly, signaling his opposition to the idea.

“I don’t want you to go either, bun. I love you, and I’m sorry again.”

He finally looked at you, murmuring I love you too, a small smile gracing his lips. Your chest was starting to feel lighter, starting to relax after being so worried at his crying. You had never seen him like this, and you never wanted to see it again.

“What do you need from me, bun?” you said and kissed his forehead, letting your lips linger for a brief second.

“Can we just… stay in bed today? I want to stay like this in your arms, I missed you too much, noona.”

“Whatever you want, love, I’m yours.”

“I never want to leave this bed,” he whined, burrowing closer to you, and you noticed that even though his face was swollen from the tears and his voice was hoarse, his ears were more relaxed than they were before; they were tense in a way that was new to you.

“What about food? And I’m sorry, you’re not using this bed as a toilet, ok?” you tried to lighten the mood and it worked, the sound of his delightful chuckle filling the room, and you laughed along. But you understood and agreed. You never wanted to leave this bed. And at least for the day, you would only leave when necessary, needing to feel him in your embrace and carefully observe as he truly started to believe in you, leaving his worries in the past.

5. Love them unconditionally

The first time it happened was purely accidental. You were cuddling on the sofa, watching television, your hand caressing his hair when you felt his entire body tremble with such force that you stopped and looked at him, your hands away from him.

“Jungkook, bun, what… did I hurt you?”

You were worried; his arms were crossed in front of his body and his hands clasped together tightly on his lap. His doe-like eyes were more expressive than ever, open wide, his long ears were down, and he seemed to still be shivering. What had you done? You noticed there was a pink hue starting to tint his cheeks and neck and when you kept staring at him, you saw that he tried to make himself smaller. You felt tears start to gather in the corners of your eyes, fearful that you had done something to remind him of his life before, as he usually referred to the time that preceded the shelter.

“I’m sorry, Jungkook. I’m so sorry, just tell me what I did so I don’t do it again.”

“You didn’t…” he started, his voice slightly higher-pitched than usual. He cleared his throat and continued, his eyes wandering around the living room,  “you… I…”

You nodded, trying to encourage him to speak, needing to know what went wrong.

“Noona… my ears… my bunny ears, they’re, hm, too sensitive,” he said, blushing harder, and he shuddered.

Oh.

Oh. Your gaze shifted downwards, and you could see his hands were trying to conceal his erection. You licked your lips unconsciously, and his eyes seemed to get even bigger.

“Bad sensitive or good sensitive?”

He looked down at your question, clenching his hands and pressing them on his crotch, but said “Good sensitive, I think?”

You scooted a little closer to him on the couch but still did not touch him. “Talk to me, bun,” you said softly, feeling that the subject was delicate, but you wanted to know whether or not to bring it up again, whether or not you could touch him like that.

“Noona… no one ever touched them like this before, like you,” he seemed hesitant, but continued nonetheless, “you don’t hurt me. You like it, you like me, right?”

You did not think twice before enveloping him into a hug, pressing him tight against you, overwhelmed with emotions at his question.

“I love you, Jungkook. Every part of you.” You had a feeling that this was what he needed to hear. It was not often that you saw him being insecure anymore, and it tugged on your heart uncomfortably. “You don’t ever have to feel bad with me, ok? I love you,” you repeated, emphasizing, trying to comfort him.

“I love you too, Y/n,” his voice continued soft, but he looked a tiny percentage more confident. “I think… at some point… maybe…” he looked at you, and you nodded again for him to continue. “I think I might want you to touch them when we’re, you know,” he wiggled his eyebrows up and down, chuckling, and there he was, getting back to you.

You laughed with him. It was unusual seeing him this shy in talking about sex, as he was definitely not shy at all performing it or even talking about it most of the time, but you understood this was a different issue.

“Only if it will make you feel good, bun, you know I don’t want to hurt you or make you uncomfortable,” you took his hand and held it, caressing the back of it with your thumb, and he nodded.

The next time it happened was not accidental at all, and it caught you by surprise.

You were already in bed, whispering sweet nothings as sleep didn’t reach you. The kiss started innocent enough, his lips pressing softly against yours while his hands stopped at your lower back, pulling you towards his body. His tongue caressed your lower lip and you opened your mouth, deepening the kiss as you pressed your body closer to his. His leg nudged its way between yours, and shortly after he rolled over you, his underwear not able to conceal his erection and you felt it directly where you needed it as he grabbed your leg and wrapped it around his waist.

His kisses moved down to your neck, nipping and sucking, his hips subtly moving, stimulating you. You grabbed his hair as he descended, lifting your tank top, softly sucking on your nipples as his hands started to lower your panties. He wasted no time, licking your slit from bottom to top, pausing to circle your clit before putting his lips around it and sucking rhythmically as one of his fingers teased your opening, slowly moving in and out. It wasn’t long until you felt your orgasm building that your hands grabbed his hair, pulling him up and towards you.

“I want you in me,” you whispered against his lips, tasting yourself, you needed to feel him.

He nodded and quickly removed his underwear, throwing it haphazardly behind him. He moved back between your legs, lowering his body on top of yours as you crossed your legs on his waist, helping the angle. His cock started to press into you and you felt the delicious stretch, inch by inch. His thickness filled you perfectly; you could almost feel the veiny lines that adorned the underside of his cock pressed on your walls, and whenever his hips made those small sharp trusts, the upwards curve of his erection put some pressure just right where your sweet spot was.

It was sweet and slow, your mouths connected in a seemingly never-ending kiss, his hips moving without rush, the pleasure building unhurriedly and constantly, his weight on top of you heightening the feelings. You started canting your hips with his, your languid movements following his rhythm, and his hand reached to yours, intertwined your fingers. He broke the kiss, looking into your eyes as he directed your hand to his hair. You immediately entangled your fingers on his dark strands, tugging on it and he moaned, closing his eyes for a moment before opening them again and stopping the movements of his hips. Before you could ask what happened, he pushed your fingers from his hair, shaking his head softly and smiling. Still staring, he lowered his head and made your fingertips graze against one of his long ears, almost a ghost-like touch. You opened your mouth in surprise and let out a loud moan at the same time, as your first touch on that sensitive part of his made him snap his hips hard once against yours.

A shiver perpassed his body, probably due to the intensity of the touch, but he looked at you and nodded, and so you did not hesitate. Your other hand went to his head too, so you could gently caress his bunny ears; he trembled again but started moving his hips, this time with more urgency and small whines came out of his mouth in between kisses on your neck. One of his hands sneaked between your bodies, his thumb circling your clit, pressing on it, needing you to get closer, the intensity of his orgasm starting to overwhelm him. You were already close, so close to it, but you wanted him to reach his peak with you.

“Can I…” you pause to moan, feeling the edge approaching, “can I touch your tail too?”

He seemed so lost in the moment that you had to repeat the question, the need clear in your voice, and upon hearing it again, he did not hesitate in moaning out an affirmation, curious to see what it would feel like. You waited until you were at the brink of the precipice, your right hand going down his body, his back. And just as a sharp snap of hips hit you just right, snapping the coil of your orgasm, your fingers reached the fluffy tail. Feeling your touch, Jungkook let out a loud shout and stopped his hips, his cock deep inside you as you felt him pulse and his entire body trembled. He fell on top of you as aftershocks still ran through his figure, little high-pitched moans leaving his lips. You were not sure how long you were like that, legs entangled, your fingers caressing his back soothingly as your own body calmed down from the intense orgasm.

“Jungkook?”

“I’m…” he moaned out, “good. We’re doing this again as soon as I have control over my body, okay?”

You chuckled and he moaned for you to stop, the tiniest of movements overwhelming his senses. The next time you giggled at a comment he made, he turned you over, pushing your upper body into the bed and hoisting your hips up, and you certainly did not laugh anymore that night.

+1: Expect to be surprised by them

You heard the commotion outside on the street and you ran out of the apartment to the front door of the small building to see what it was about, and you opened it just in time to see Jungkook stepping out of the cause of the noise.

“Bun, what’s all this?”

“Oh hi noona! Surprise!”

It was indeed a surprise. This morning you had woken up and could not find Jungkook anywhere so you assumed he had gone for a run, but apparently not. There he was standing and waving at you in front of a camper van, a huge smile on his face, his long ears perked up. You could see your neighbors, Taehyung and his cat hybrid Jimin next to him, a sheepish expression on Taehyung’s face and a smile as big as Jungkook’s on Jimin’s lips.

“We’re going camping, noona!” Jungkook said as he approached you, enveloping you into his arms. “You’ve been so tired from work and now that you have a break, I thought we could go camping and have some fun���”

“Right now?” You asked, a little overwhelmed, but starting to get excited about the idea.

“Yes! Taehyung-hyung called up this place and rented the van, we got groceries, and Jimin even helped me pick a new coat for you, noona, I know you needed one.”

You felt your eyes tear up. You were so used to taking care of Jungkook and putting him in the first place that it was strange having someone take care of you like this. But this was Jungkook, you should have expected that. The day you brought him home from the shelter, he had said he would take care of you just as much as you would take care of him. You kissed him softly, pressing him against your body, and you whispered a thank you low in his ear.

“I love you, noona. Now let’s get your things ready, we have to get going, or else Tae-hyung said he is going to play all his old records in this player he brought the entire trip,” he stated wide-eyed and clearly hinting that he definitely did not want that.

You chuckled, knowing how picky Jungkook was with everything - his food, his clothes, his music. You took his hand and pulled him into the house, waving to the other boys at the front, signaling you would be out in a minute. You quickly packed a bag with Jungkook’s help and you waited as he got his camera and equipment bag, not forgetting the aux cord, set on not letting the other boys have control over the music.

What you would find only later on that evening is that for the first night, Taehyung and Jimin would set their tent a little far from the camp, giving you two some space for the date Jungkook had planned. A bottle of your favorite wine, Jungkook cooking a simple dinner by the fire camp, the bun’s eyes shining brightly as he scrunched his nose, and his small tail wagging slowly to the rhythm of a Frank Sinatra record under the moonlight.

--

Hope you enjoyed it and if you want to read more, how about finding out about the first time bun!Jungkook went to the beach?

[trashlie]

in which nol is incapable of resisting friendship (part two)

It’s no secret that episode 179 has set me off on a deeper wave of ILY brainrot and I am incapable of shutting up. This is a follow up to my last post, which was largely just me revisiting some old ILY scenes leading up to and including the formal, re-examining some scenes that had always given me some pause win the light of what we’ve recently learned and with Nol’s general mindset. 

This is a companion piece, that doesn’t really require you read the one prior, that visits something I’ve been thinking about since around 151, which is the way that though Nol has made it his mission to walk out of his friends lives and yet, we see him struggle at that with Shinae. I once noted that Nol is very much like Minhyuk in that both of them seem incapable of resisting trying to help her even though they know well enough she can take care of herself and somehow that seems a little more significant now.

It’s kind of weird, but finding out that Nol had never intended to truly be with friends with anyone - that he thought he could just enter these peoples’ lives and help them and then leave when his good deed was done - makes the friendships he formed so much more special to me. He never intended to really be a friend, to care about them, but in the end, he couldn’t help it. It brings us here, to a post-Kim-formal Nol who has already decided to walk out of everyone’s lives but finds it’s not that easy to do, or to stop caring. 

I do believe he had every intention of it and even had Yui not played dirty at the formal, Nol would have been off to Oxford and wouldn’t have looked back. I’m not saying he wouldn’t have felt guilty, but it’s pretty easy to compare Nol to a feral cat; there’s a couple people he’s grown comfortable with but the moment he sees that opening he’s taking off and breaking free. Obviously his methods were never right and frankly, the idea that he could just walk out of everyone’s lives and they’d be better for it, without ever giving them the option to choose, was unfair and wrong, but I also get it, to some degree. Especially in light of the arrest, the upcoming jail sentence, he’s cagey and ready to be gone. He already believes no one is going to miss him or care when he’s gone. In fact, to this point, we already know that he had no idea how important a friend he was becoming to Shinae, what their experiences at the Kim forma did to strengthen her attachment to him. He even states outright that he had no idea she felt that way about him, that he was important to meant anything to her. 

Something I find especially interesting is that while Nol has every intention of leaving, booking it to the UK and exiting their lives, a fleeting memory of a kid who helped these people in their hard times, we still see the way he’s drawn to his friends - or at least to Shinae. We don’t really see Nol with his friends after the formal and I imagine it’s because he’s purposefully keeping his distance, whereas with Shinae, he doesn’t have that option given how much they’re around each other working in the same building. 

It cannot be denied that he’s cagey as hell, keeping his distance, careful to keep Shinae at bay and yet, despite this, he always gets drawn back in.

Nol can’t help it - at this point he legitimately cares.

Especially with Shinae, I think this goes even deeper, because we now know that the only reason Nol even resurfaced in that pool was Shinae. As he much as he was saving her, she saved him too, although I imagine he doesn’t exactly view it that way. (In a way, the task of saving Shinae can almost be seen as a burden; though he was ready to let everything end then, he felt emburdened to help her, and that meant denying himself something he craved, but I think in time we’ll see him change his feelings about that.) They both are still here because of each other, and I think that’s a bond that will play into their relationship as they recalibrate their friendship. 

Even as early as the day after the formal we can see Nol drawing his distance, and it’s not because he promised Kousuke he’ll minimize his interactions with Shinae, but his own choosing. He throws his phone after seeing her calls - but he still cares. I like this detail a lot because it’s something I puzzled over a lot before, but now it’s clear that he tried not to return the call because he knew she’d be worried, because he needed to create space between them, because he needed to be able to walk away. But he can’t. He doesn’t want her to worry, or maybe deep down he likes the idea of her concern, that someone he cares about might also care about him. I still love that whole scene, their exchange on the phone with the hugged pillows and concern and we see a bit of the real Nol peeking out - no forced smiles or masks, just a weary, tired boy who has been through too much too young and has so much on his shoulders, and his friend so concerned about him despite her own injuries. I think it reads as so very honestly them and I hope we see more of those scenes - relying on each other, caring about each other, lending a shoulder of support. Though Nol doesn’t actually open up on that call, I like to hope we’ll see him learn to do that.

There’s a number of moments that I think carry new weight with what we now know about Nol and his intentions to leave everyone behind that I want to touch on.

On Shinae’s first day of work, we were able to get the sense of Nol being evasive - he can’t just avoid her, but he makes no point to linger in her presence, even when he finds her on the floor in the elevator. Shinae is very aware that something is off, and while you can argue that it’s because he’s not acting like Yeonggi, I think it’s more that she’s honing in on Nol’s evasive behavior. He’s doing the bare minimum as a friend but he’s also leaving a lot of space between them. In fact, Nol even states “It’s not like I’ll be disappearing any time soon” with his eyes closed - a lie, because he knows he will be.  Yet, on her second day when she’s late, Nol takes it upon himself not only to take the fall for why she’s late, but also go to and pick her up, which is above and beyond, for someone who is pointedly distancing himself from Shinae. 

Nol has no obligation to help - he could just talk to Kousuke like she asked without going through the motions of going to retrieve her and yet he chooses to. It’s a small but big detail - something I’ve always called out - Nol’s helplessness in refuting Shinae. It would be so easy for him to do exactly what she asked, to simply talk to Kousuke and leave it at that but he doesn’t, and it’s beyond his grapple for absolution, because he knows by this point that this is a friend he cares about and he wants to help and when Shinae needs that assistance, he finds himself beholden to doing that and minimizing the trouble she could be in. Obviously part of it is because the excuse he used was dependent on him being Shinae’s ride to work, so retrieving her was the only way to make it believable, but he could have come up with any number of excuses on her behalf. I think it’s a nice demonstration of how even though Nol should be keeping his distance, it’s difficult for him to successfully do it. He’s only good at avoiding them when he doesn’t actually have to face or talk to them. 

Because he’s picking her up, we’re treated to that cute conversation they have about Dieter and his feelings for Shinae, but also Nol gets to witness the way she uses words that he has used on her when Dieter does the very kind of self-beating-up that she’s prone to. His smile is cute - realizing that he has, indeed, helped her, and that help is now going on to help others. Maybe he feels some sort of comfort, knowing that he’ll be leaving Shinae a better friend and person? 

I would not be me if I didn’t yell into the night about episode 93, which is actually what prompted me to write this whole thing, all the way to part one, in the first place, because there’s a line that REALLY stood out to me after reading 179. I’ve talked about this a lot before but to reiterate, Nol has made his decision to leave his friends and let them “move on” without him, and yet at every opportunity, he finds himself concerned. You could argue that he’s rankled about how Kousuke treats Shinae because of his own feelings about Kousuke, and certainly that likely colors it, but Nol understands how much is being thrown at her with so little breathing room. He also understands being tossed into the sea and expected to sink or swim. Nol clearly cares that too much is being expected of Shinae, who is still a student, who has so many other issues going on at home, and he can’t help but caring about it. 

When he follows that he’s going overboard as her friend again, I think it’s a very honest moment for Nol. Unlike before when he forced friendship on her for his own gain, now he cares about the line she drew, now he’s being that good friend, again despite his intentions. Nol is also being more honest than usual with Shinae. I think there’s something more to his surprise that Shinae went ahead and invited Kousuke to the party, because Nol’s personal intentions were bad, because he wanted to make Kousuke feel uncomfortable the way he’s been doing to Shinae. It’s revenge-y and it does make Nol look bad - but he doesn’t realize Shinae, too, feels the same. It’s one of those moments of their mirroring that’s really laid out - Nol didn’t expect her to do it because he doesn’t know she, too, felt the same way he does, that she, too, was feeling upset with the way she’s been treated by Kousuke. 

The way Nol sits, angled away from her like earlier in the locker room, despite how honest he’s being, revealing these small, secret parts of himself that he keeps under lock and key, revealing the depth of his concern and care. I love how very at odds it is - that he wants to stop, that he’s trying not to, he’s angled away he’s trying to create that distance but he still can’t help the honesty that comes out. He still can’t help the caring.

I feel like there’s so much new weight to this line. He’s saying it for Shinae’s benefit - that though he knows she’s capable of taking care of herself and fighting her own battles, as a friend he still is going to care about her and worry. But given that, until some weeks ago, he was convincing himself these relationships meant nothing, that these friendships were one sided had no hold, to admit out loud “That won’t stop me from caring” is a confession not only of his attempt to respect Shinae’s wishes but also an admission of his own truth. No matter what, no matter how he tries, he cannot stop himself from caring. 

Shinae is an important friend, someone he cares about, someone who matters and it can’t be undone anymore. 

Maybe that’s the source of his frustration? That these people who were meant to mean nothing now mean everything and, moreso, they care about him in return. No one but Nana does that, no one plays attention to the little details or his an earbud that’s fallen to the ground, but now he has friends like Shinae who express so much concern over him. Does he wish he could stay? Does he wish he could indulge in those relationships though he knows (according to his logic) no good can come of it? When he immediately texts Dieter, I still think he’s trying to tie up loose ends - if he can help ensure Dieter and Shinae’s friendship, they can be better off together in his absence, maybe? That lingering look of frustration, though - I don’t think it’s that he’s developing feelings, so much as he realizes how much he cares, how much he wants to indulge, how much he wants to be cared about in return and how dangerous it is for him to entertain these notions. 

idk I’m endlessly obsessed with that episode and what it means for Nol to be unable to help himself from caring, despite how much he never meant to. 

And on this topic, the other favorite episode to fixate on and overanalyze, 117. 

I love this one a lot because we have Shinae becoming more aware of Nol’s evasive attitude and calling him out on it. As natural as he tries to be, he fails, and yet even though he could escape while she’s working, he instead gives Shinae his word and stays to her break as promised. It’s like, even though what he’s doing isn’t really being a good friend - that is, this game of friendship where he doesn’t tell her he plans on leaving, maintaining friendship in these little pockets of time but with every intention to leave and ghost everyone - he still can’t help but be a good friend. Shinae is worried that he’s avoiding her (and he is!) so he stays to assuage  her feelings. 

I’m sure it’s been wondered before but, what is Nol even doing hanging out there? He knows she works there and will be around shortly - does he secretly want to see her and talk? Maybe it’s just that it’s the nearest place he can escape and be alone, but again, the point still stands that he knows she’ll be by at some point. Maybe he just wasn’t counting on her working the night he was sitting there? He’s clearly avoiding going home or staying at work, so I’m not sure we can assume he is acting on a secret desire to have a moment with a friend, but the fact that the only option he’s got is the very place the friend he’s avoiding works isn’t in his favor. Either way, we know the weight of everything is hanging heavy over him and he’s drowning. 

So it’s no surprise that Nol, once again, opens up JUST a smidge. All in all, he’s hardly revealed his true self to Shinae, but there’s a handful of moments that he kind of starts. Is it because he believes he’ll still be gone by the end of the year and he’s allowed to let himself open up a bit? Or is it just a moment of weak vulnerability, where he can’t help open up a little. Nol has made such an effort to take care of his friends that I think he probably can’t help but want that in return, even though as he’s noting, he doesn’t know if he should be allowed that. 

No matter what he does, he feels like things get worse, like he doesn’t DESERVE to come out on top. And yet, for a moment, he indulges in friendship. He indulges in the comfort of sharing your burdens and opening up to someone and feeling, for a moment, like he’s allowed to want for better. 

I think that might be why he shares his music with Shinae, too? Again, I wonder if this is because he believes soon he’ll be gone and these are selfish pockets of friendship stolen for himself, that won’t matter soon. Because, again, this is such an intimate episode, with him opening up (a fraction lol) and sharing one of his favorite songs with his head tucked so close to Shinae, who lately has done nothing but show concern about him. 

The ambiguous “I like this” reads a little differently now - Nol has denied himself “real” friendships so long, has denied himself the opportunity to really engage with people, that the moments he’s spared with Shinae, Dieter, and Soushi probably are unique for him, something he hasn’t really experienced otherwise. I like this - the feeling of companionship and being seen, of someone who is concerned and cares about you? Of sharing a private part of yourself and being met not with revulsion but actual concern? 

Knowing what we now know about Nol and his intentions, the way he tried so hard to carry these fake friendships and help people without growing attached, idk it just makes these scenes feel a little more special. It’s the inevitability of it that gets to me - that he went in expecting one thing and in the end he couldn’t help who he became, couldn’t help the care that developed. It also makes the way he avoided them ring even more painfully - because the whole time he did that, he, too, wanted to reach back out. He, too, wanted to return to them, but his beliefs had clouded his judgment. 

With that in mind, it makes me rethink some things in 151, too. 

Before, I had thought that when Nol hugged Shinae, it was because he felt bad that his actions made her doubt their friendship, that it killed him for them to part with her thinking that. But it was true! So much of their friendship was a lie! At least, it was founded on a lie, built upon lies. To Shinae, it was an important friendship, one that meant a lot to her, and she was finding that maybe she was never really as important to him as he was to her. We know now that’s not the case, but she didn’t know that at the moment.

Nol doesn’t finally reach out and hug Shinae to reassure her; he does it as an act of apology. He does it because he realizes how much he’s hurt her, how his quest for absolution has, yet again, hurt people regardless of his intentions. 

Don’t get me wrong - I’m sure the hug is also some kind of reassurance, but above all, it IS an apology, because she is right and she’s calling him out even though she doesn’t realize how right she is. It all began a lie and he tried so hard to keep it a lie but he couldn’t help but come to care, and now he’s hurt her - now she’s hurt again and it’s his fault - and he cares about if he hurts her and he knows (believes) he can’t stick around and he hugs her because it’s such a messy tangle of feelings and idk having this additional layer of knowledge makes it SO bittersweet. Nol being faced with just how much he’s hurt Shinae and the regret and apology and all the things he cannot yet say. 

Idk man, knowing that Nol never intended to truly be their friend but couldn’t help but come to care about them, couldn’t help but fall into real friendship will always have me howling because boy do I know a noble fool on a quest he cannot fully commit to. 

[bts-hyperfixation]

Drunken Confessions

BTS Reaction/scenarios - He is drunk and he needs to tell you something.

It’s over 3000 words... don’t ask how because I don’t know

Warnings: Vomit (only in Jin’s) and it isn’t graphic, binge drinking, 

Namjoon - F2L

The party is in full swing

You'd lost sight of the boys ages ago, although you occasionally caught wind of Tae's dulcet tones or Jin’s windshield wiper laugh

That's why you were taken completely by surprise when your 6-foot, built like a house, best friend draped himself over your shoulders

Making you spill the drink you've been pouring

You tried to swap him away so you could clear up the mess he made but he just slides his arms down and around your waist subsequently locking your arms in place and forcing you to watch the sticky puddle spread across the desk

“I love you” he announces hugging you impossibly tighter

“I know Joon.”  You laugh

“No! I looove you” he tries again

You roll your eyes

“I love you too Joon” you wriggle trying to escape his death grip

“You don't get it! He stamps his foot like a petulant child releasing you enough so you can turn in his arms

You reach up to cup his cheek and he nuzzles into the fond embrace

“Come on Joon let's take a break.”

You catch JK in the crowd and ask him to clear up the mess while you deal with a very drunk Namjoon

Inside the comfort of his bedroom you managed to get free from his clutches.

Getting all the way to the last room on the corridor had been a whole workout, especially given the fact you could only waddle

You sit down on the bed and gesture for him to join you

You lean against the headboard, and he leans on your shoulder.

You reach up to run a hand through his hair just as JK brings you 2 bottles of water he tosses them onto the bed and you mouth thank you as he backs away

You open one and take a swig before putting the bottle to his lips

“I'm not that drunk” he grumbles still taking a long sip

“uh huh”

“I'm not! I just needed a little bit more confidence than normal”

“And you found it at the bottom of a bottle”

Yeah… well… kinda” he looks miserable as he drains the last of the first bottle

“What did you need extra confidence for anyway?”

“For you dumb ass”

He sits up and in that moment he looks fully sober searching your eyes and only finding confusion

You don't have time to react before his lips are on yours

It stuns you for a moment until you sink into the embrace, the taste of alcohol washed away by the water

It’s a little sloppy as he holds your face, kissing like he has something to prove

“I love you.” He pants pulling away

“Oh”

“yeah…” he looks down into his lap, his nailbeds suddenly becoming the most interesting thing on the planet

“Joon”

“Uh huh”

“Joon!” You grab his chin to make him look up

“I love you too”

You never ended up returning to the party

Seokjin - New relationship

This is the first time you've hung out with his friends

It's beyond awkward as you both tried to navigate the new situation

Neither of you paid attention to how much alcohol had been put in front of you drink topped up frequently by the maknae line

They like to think they're helping

They are not

Jin’s tolerance turns out to be a lot lower than yours it isn't long before he is hunched over a toilet while you wait anxiously outside the door

When you hear the heaving stop you slip inside and fill the glass behind the sink to give to him

You kneel at his side rubbing soft circles into his back as you slowly tip the water into his mouth

He swallows a little then uses the rest to swell out the terrible taste left behind

“I'm sorry” he Mumbles when you stand to refill the glass

“Accidents happen Jinnie we've all been here before”

“Maybe you should leave… you shouldn't… shouldn't have to” he slurs trying to lift his head from the basin

“I'm not going to leave you like this what kind of girlfriend would I be.”

You sit back beside him, setting the water to the side and hauling his large frame into your lap

You push the sweaty hair away from his forehead smiling as his eyes closed

The worlds moving too fast his face scrunches at the thought as if he could magically stop the spinning

And if you had the power you would have done it

No questions asked

Instead you settle for putting a damp flannel across his face to cool him down and smooth his features

His eyes reopen staring straight up at you, pupils still dilated from the alcohol

You can see the moment the room stops spinning, he blinks sleepily watching you take care of him

“I'm going to marry you someday”

You giggle but he doesn't

You busy yourself stretching to cool the flannel without jostling him

He reaches for your cheek to pull your eyes back to him

“I love you”

Those are the last words you get from him before he passes out on you

Yoongi - F2L

The two of you had spent all day legs entwined on the opposite ends of the sofa in his studio

You're the only person he allows to sit and work with him on a regular basis because he knows that's all you want to do

He could trust you to not ask annoying questions or breathe too loud

Nope, you will patiently work on your own thing, providing the company he craved without the pesky social interaction

However neither of you have thought to eat since breakfast

And the sun has long since set

You pull your headphones off and signal for him to do the same

He looks annoyed and confused until you gesture at the clock on the wall

The boys made him put one up last time he did a 24-hour stint

His mouth formed a little ‘o’ as he stretched his arms over his head

“Dinner?” He suggests, placing his laptop to the side and untangling his legs from yours

You end up at the Korean barbecue place round the corner from the Hybe building

Three plates of meat and 3 bottles of soju in you start to think drinking on a mostly empty stomach was a bad idea

You are currently watching a drunk August D try to give a concert to some concerned looking uncles

He turns back to face you gummy smile lighting up his whole face, cheeks pink from the alcohol

His mood is contagious

You can't help joining him, filling in Max's parts from burn it

Having finished the latest encore Yoongi pays the bill for the entire restaurant and pulls you out into the night

He doesn't turn back towards the studio

Instead leading you to a nearby park

When he is satisfied with the spot, he lies down on the floor and stares up at the starless sky above the bright lights of Seoul

You lay next to him, and his hand finds yours intertwining your fingers

He sighs like every weight in the world has just been lifted off his shoulders

“Penny for your thoughts?” You ask rubbing little circles on his hand with your thumb

“I love you”

It's out before his brain has time to catch up with his mouth

You feel the panic as his hand tightens around yours a silent prayer that you won't pull away from him

You don't

Hoseok - Established Relationship

Ever the introspective drunk, Hobi has been sat quietly in the corner of the karaoke room since he finished second glass of wine

He watches you as you laugh and dance with the best people in his life

Watching as even timid Kookie pulls you close to belt out lyrics

You've been keeping track of him out the corner of your eye

He sometimes has a tendency to get sad if you leave him in his thoughts for too long

But tonight he has a quiet smirk on his features the entire time

Four songs later you excuse yourself from the rabble claiming strained vocal cords and go to sit on your boyfriends lap

You've lost track of what number glass of beer he is on, but he seems perfectly content if not a little sleepy

“Want to go home baby?” You ask stroking his cheek

He shakes his head a little blinking slowly “want to watch you having fun”

You lean down to press your lips to his softly hearing wolf whistles through the mikes

You lift your middle fingers to the boys simultaneously

When he realises your synchronisation Hobi starts laughing manically, returning to his regular self again

“I love you so much.” He murmurs against your lips suddenly wide awake again

“Maybe we should go home after all” he winks dragging his hand purposefully up your bare leg stopping just under the hem of your skirt

Jimin - F2?

There's nothing better than a night out on the town with your best friend

So why does Jimin look like someone just stole his favourite Gucci shirt

He was so smiley when he left you on the dance floor to go to the bathroom

Now he is glaring daggers at you from the bar across the club

No

Not you

The man you were dancing with to fill the time

He was probably just worried you were going to be selfish and abandoned him for a hook-up

You excuse yourself from your temporary dance partner and make your way to the disgruntled blonde

You reach him just in time to take the large tequila shot out of his hand and down at yourself

“You know you shouldn't be drinking these" you chide cringing as the alcohol stings your throat

“You're a little late” he grumbles gesturing to the tasting platter of five other shots on the bar behind him

You take his hand and lead him away from the loud club music into the smoking area

“what's gotten into you all of a sudden?” You can't help but worry something happened in the short time he'd been gone

“Nothing’s gotten into me” he gets defensive crossing his arms and refusing to meet your arms

“Come on Chim, we were having so much fun”

“You were having fun! I've been watching you grind your ass on some meathead for the last 30 minutes”

You're a little shocked at the outburst and confused over the amount of time lost

“Why did you leave me for so long?” You can't help feeling a little abandoned yourself all of a sudden

He senses you close in on yourself after the way he spoke to you

“Look, you just seemed like you were having more fun without me” he finally looks at you head on, one hand coming up to stroke your arm comfortingly

“I could never have more fun without you” you whisper part of you hoping he finally hears the pining in your voice

He doesn't

“Let's get out of here, I’ve ruined the mood now anyway and those shots are going to catch up with me soon.”

He leads you out of the club and of course he's right

He's barely coherent for the taxi ride home

You managed to hobble into his house together

You leave him sprawled out in the middle of his bed

It's not your first time fixing a drunk Jimin

You empty his trash can and place it by the bed

Raid the cabinet for paracetamol

Fetch 3 glasses of water

And carefully pull off his tight jeans

Satisfied he is settled

You go to change into an oversized tee shirt and a pair of his boxer

Your regular attire when faced with an impromptu bestie sleepover

As you walk out of the bathroom you find Jimin awake and downing water like he'd been stuck in the desert for weeks

“You look so pretty in my clothes” he slurs around the glass

He places the glass down and tries to move over so you can fit in the bed too

He almost falls out

You catch his arm just before he rolls too far pulling him back to you and cuddling close for warmth

Just as you're drifting off you think you hear him whispering to your hair kissing you softly

“I love you Y/N”

Taehyung - F2?

Such a cuddly drunk

He has been attached to you like a sloth clinging to a branch throughout the entire party

Not that you care, it's nice to have your friend so close

He spends the time between sips whispering in your ear mostly gossip and judgement of people the two of you don't particularly like

The whole night he has you giggling

It feels petty but you can't stop yourselves

“You’re so funny Tae, I love you so much.” You say between laughs.

Of course you meant it platonically

But drunk Tae didn't quite get that memo

“You have no idea how long I’ve waited for you to say that to me!”

He launched into a monologue revealing everything he had kept inside

“I didn't think you felt like that”

“I thought it was just me!”

“This is going to be so much fun! We can go out on little dates, and I can spoil you and...”

“Actually we do all that now”

“But now we could do it as more than friends”

“I love you so much, I might explode”

You mean to interrupt his rambles, but he never takes a breath

So you just sit and watch as he gets more animated describing your future lives together

The longer he goes the more you realise maybe you didn't mean it platonically after all

Jungkook - E2L

You usually try to avoid JK like the plague

You are great friends with the rest of the boys, but you've never managed to befriend JK

In fact you were fairly certain he hated your guts

It's been years since you first found Yoongi

The first time he brought you around the others they'd all been so welcoming

Except the maknae

You've been reassured he just didn't deal well with new people

Once he got comfortable it’d be fine

Apparently he never got comfortable

So now you're at a party celebrating the boys recent string of successes

And in true BTS fashion it's not just an ordinary party

Nope this one was ‘Run!BTS’ themed

So you are standing amongst the group of idols and their friends waiting for their orders

The management team pulls out a bag filled with names and each member is summoned to pick out a card

Once each member has drawn they turn to reveal their partners

You can't help but roll your eyes when you see how annoyed JK looks to be holding your name

You open another can downing the contents before you are zip tied to the world's most obnoxious idol for the evening

The first challenge was supposed to be easy

Build a tower from toilet roll

But every time you reach in one direction, he leans the other and bulldozes your efforts with your joint wrists

Losing means shots

You take your punishment like a champ

The other boys finding this cruel twist of fate hilarious

Challenge two is a scavenger hunt

Problem is you struggle to agree on where to look first

It feels like he is trying to ignore you

Time runs out and you’re with two items to everyone else is 5

Some more shots

Challenge #3 is player trivia

The aim is to answer questions about the other person to gain points

There's no way you're winning this one

Except you do

JK knows every answer

Your birthday

Your mums name

Your first pet

Even your shoe size

He still won't meet your eyes though

Doesn't even give you a chance to ask him about it

The final challenge is hide and seek

This task is doubled in difficulty having to hide two bodies in the same place

Tripled by the fact you don't really want to be stuck in a confined space with a man that hates you

You contemplate forfeiting but JK's competitive drive has kicked in since winning the last challenge

He drags you away before you can protest

He shoves you into a cupboard you'd never noticed before, following you in and pulling the door closed

It's tiny

And he's pressed so close

Even in the dim light you can see every freckle on his nose

You're compelled by the strangest urge to trace the pattern with your fingers

And your brain is too drunk to stop you

“What are you doing?” He hisses through his teeth, grabbing your wrist

It's the first time he's looked at you directly and his eyes are just so pretty

You hear steps approaching and come back to your senses yanking your hand away

Bashing it against the wall in the process

His hand covers your mouth before you can yell in pain

“Thanks” you mumble when the steps have retreated

“You're welcome” he drags his hand away and once again refuses to look at you directly

“JK?”

“Yeah?”

“Why do you hate me?”

“He releases a long sigh

“Maybe this is the alcohol or maybe it's the game… either way I don't hate you”

His reply raises more questions than it does answers

“Then why?..”

“You can't ask me why…”

“I have every right to know why you refuse to acknowledge me”

You stamp your foot to emphasise your point

He turns to look at you properly again and size even more dramatically

“It's because you're off limits”

Yoongi hyung said none of us could date his friends… but you were pretty and funny”

You're more than shocked by the revelation

“Ignoring you seemed simple and trying not to get attached

Not that it did me any good”

You’re still not sure you're following him correctly

It sounded as if he just admitted his feelings are the exact opposite to what you thought

“I fell in love anyway, so I lashed out to deal with it”

“In love…” You breathe out

“Yeah… in love”

You're about to follow up with a million more questions when the door is wrenched open an JK fall straight on his ass

“Come on, you guys won let's get you untied before you murder one another.” Jimin winks before heading back towards the main room

Masterlist

Survey to tell me about your kinks for fun

[sevlgi]

what we want

requested: yes x2

group: blackpink

pairing: jennie x fem!reader

genre: angst, fluff

contents: idol!jennie, idol!reader, pr relationship

warnings: none

synopsis: Jennie’s lost herself somewhere along the way of achieving her dream. Behind that tough, cruel mask of hers, she doesn’t know what she wants, and maybe uncovering the mask you wear is what will help her realize it.

a/n: this is so much heavier than either of you guys asked for asalknasdfkj... but i wrote my longest fic yet in less than 2 days!!!! i think that’s an achievement :D

word count: 6k

Kim Jennie did not have a good reputation, and she didn’t really give a shit about it.

At least, that’s what everyone thought. That’s what everyone knew, with the numerous articles a week about South Korea’s resident fuckgirl, with Dispatch’s 20 cameramen hired just to follow Jennie. She was careless, she was cold, and she care what anyone else said about her. 

What no one cared about was Jennie’s reasoning. Because while the first time sneaking out to a club and losing herself in fruit-flavored shots and skimming touches was simply for the fun of it, it was the aftereffect that made her keep going. Because with the articles of Kim Jennie’s newest scandal, Blackpink’s album sales shot through the roof, YG’s stocks completely flipped around, and Jennie herself decided it was worth it. It didn’t matter if her members looked at her a little differently, like they didn’t recognize her, or if she was the only one constantly excluded from appreciation tweets on Twitter. If acting out would help promote them more than her agency ever did, she could do it.

And she did. For almost a year, Jennie became Kpop’s most well-known idol, for better or for worse. For almost a year, Blackpink’s sales were unmatched by any group or artist around the world and Jennie couldn’t read her Instagram comments without wanting to throw up. 

It took a year for YGE to finally do something, and by then, Jennie wasn’t sure she particularly cared anymore.

“Jennie.”

“Youngshik.” Her voice was scarily steady and her face just as calm; Jennie knew that the her from ten years ago, the teenager who was accepted into the company under Youngshik’s watch, wouldn’t be able to recognize her as she sat before the man with crossed arms and a blank expression. But as he stared at her with disappointment glazing his eyes, Jennie lifted her chin higher, almost daring him to speak.

When he did, he sounded almost cautious of his words. “Jennie, I know you. This isn’t like you at all, you can’t carry on like this.”

“What do you know about me?” She had to keep herself from wincing at her own tone, sharp enough to draw blood. “Huh? You haven’t cared about me for the past year, haven’t cared about us. And who the fuck said I can’t carry on? I’m doing just fine.”

Youngshik shook his head. “Please. Ch-- your members know. I know. All you may see right now is the attention you’re gaining, the fleeting ecstasy you get every night, but you aren’t doing yourself any favors right now.”

As much as she hated it, Youngshik’s words cut deep. She wanted to scream out that she was doing this for her members, for the company, and that it didn’t matter what her reputation was like, but Jennie schooled herself into the person everyone believed and knew her to be. “I’m the only thing keeping you afloat right now. You’re wasting them-- Chaeng, Lisa, Jisoo. They keep practicing but you waste them. I’m only doing what you won’t,” Jennie defended herself, anger seeping into her voice at the thought of her members.

“Jennie. MNet has threatened to drop you from the next season of Queendom.” The man’s voice was quiet but deadly, and Jennie couldn’t seem to open her mouth at the thought of her members’ practice being wasted because of her. Youngshik took that as a sign to continue, “I realize that what you’re doing is increasing sales, but netizens hate you right now. You know that, don’t you? We’re trying to help.”

“Oh yeah? How’re you going to help?” Jennie sighed. “Lock me up in your dungeon again?”

“Quite the opposite,” he answered, leaning forward. “We’re going to keep you in check. The only thing that Dispatch likes more than clubbing scandals is leaked couples, and that’s what we’re going to give them.”

She crossed her arms and leaned back. “And how is that going to keep me in check? Dispatch already knows I like girls, giving me a well-behaved boyfriend isn’t going to be believable.’

Just as the words left her mouth, a knock sounded on the frosted glass pane in Youngshik’s office door, and the man stood. “You’ll see once you meet her.”

Her?

Jennie didn’t turn even when she heard the door open, or when Youngshik murmured, “Junho, thank you for coming.”

“Of course. This is her?”

“This is her. Jennie?”

She finally turned, face impassive, but Jennie couldn’t stop her eyes from widening when she saw the person standing in the doorway. You-- she recognized you, specifically the polite smile you wore on your face as you offered a handshake. She remembered hearing you be praised for your constant professionalism, your sterling reputation, and your bubbly personality. “Hi, I’m Y/N. I’m a big fan of yours.”

“Jennie Kim, but I’m assuming you already knew that,” she said by way of greeting. You nearly winced at her flat tone, but the mask remained on and you gingerly took the empty seat just by her. “So. Am I the only one in the dark here?”

“Not anymore,” Junho smiled. Unlike Youngshik, he looked pleasant, a smile crinkling at the side of his eyes, but Jennie disliked him nonetheless. “The two of you know by now that you’re being set up in a fake relationship. Jennie, YGE’s main concern with you is your reputation. You club, you drink, you... sleep with people.”

She simply nodded, waiting for the point. Youngshik jumped in, “Y/N, on the other hand, has a stellar reputation. Never has had a scandal in her career, except when she publicly came out, and even that had a good reception.”

“How nice,” Jennie deadpanned.

Junho sighed, folding his hands in his lap. “Miss Kim. Despite your shortcomings and the methods that you achieved such fame, you are nonetheless the most well known female idol in the world. From this relationship, you’ll gain stability as well as a cover, a perfectly sweet girlfriend who’ll lighten your image up. And Y/N will receive more attention by your side, exactly what we want for her and her group. Is that clear?”

Jennie wished she could say no-- after all, you obviously weren’t going to-- but she also knew that the two men were right. She could profit, achieve exactly what she was trying to do, but with less damage done to Blackpink’s image. And as much as she wished she could rebel, she found herself sighing through tightened lips. “Clear. I agree.”

“You didn’t exactly have a choice.” Still, Youngshik slid a contract and a pen across the table, and Jennie signed in the blank without a second glance. “Good. Though we realize that this relationship is fake, we want you to at least pretend to be in love, so get to know each other. It’ll be a while.”

“Great,” you sighed. Jennie was slightly surprised by the hint of sarcasm in your voice, but she lost interest when you assumed a polite smile yet again. “How do we do that?”

Junho exchanged a glance with Youngshik but answered by himself, “If it was me, I’d start with a coffee.”

“Can I order something for you?”

“I’m good.”

Your smile was tight, and Jennie wondered how many snide comments she could make before you snapped. But apparently, one wasn’t enough, as you tugged your mask up. “Okay. I’ll get something for you when you feel like it, just wait for me in that booth.”

Without something to argue about, Jennie could only obey, sliding into the booth furthest away from any people. She sighed, staring at the ceiling; she hated that you were being pushed into the contract to save her, and she hated even more that she was purposefully being so difficult for you to deal with. But the truth was that Jennie couldn’t let you keep her in check, couldn’t let you get under her skin or change her from the way that she had been for years. No matter what YGE said, she was succeeding, and she wasn’t having the worst time in the world while she did.

“Uh. I got you a green juice, I hope you don’t mind.”

Jennie stared at you as you slid the bottle over the table to her, removing your mask just to flash her an annoyingly sweet smile. “I didn’t ask for it.”

You shrugged, “Oh, I know. But I read somewhere that you liked green juices, and I didn’t feel right letting you- letting my girlfriend go without a drink.”

“Don’t call me that.” Jennie cleared her throat when she realized how cruel she sounded, and rephrased it softer. “Don’t.”

“Okay. I understand,” you mumbled, clasping your hands over the iced Americano you held. “So. When did we start dating?” When Jennie frowned in confusion, you clarified, “We’re supposed to have a believable, synced story, right? To seem more real?”

The other girl bit her lip but nodded in agreement. “You’re right. Would two months be enough?”

Jennie wanted to tell you to stop pursing your lips when you thought, wanted to make you stop looking so approachable and sweet when you were sitting across from the most-hated idol in Korea. But she shut herself up, if only not to offend someone who she’d be spending a lot of time with. “I think so. We could say that we met at the Gayo Daejeon, since that was three months ago. I asked for your number,” you hummed and pulled out a notepad. “And a month after becoming friends, you asked me on a date.”

“Why did I ask you on a date?” Jennie asked, eyebrows raised. 

“I asked for your number, let’s keep it fair,” you answered with a slight chuckle. “Okay. What would you want to do on a date?”

She considered the question, tapping her nails against the table. “The Han River? Lots of people go in masks, so it’s possible for us to have gone without anyone seeing us. There’s food, nice scenery, we could take pictures--”

“You’re a real romantic, Kim Jennie,” you smiled, pen scratching against the paper of your notepad. “Okay. And we don’t live with each other, since you have a dorm... one of us has to be caught on the route between to make it believable.”

“I don’t think we have to.” Jennie crossed her arms, not moving even when you turned your notepad so she could see. “We just need to be seen in public together a couple times, hold hands once. Dispatch will eat it up.”

You sighed softly and tucked the notebook away. “Okay. At-- at least add me on Kakao. So we can communicate and stuff.”

She stood, tugging her jacket on and her hat down to hide her eyes. “Don’t have Kakao. Have a nice day, Y/N Y/L/N.”

And just like that, with a jingle of the front door’s bell, she was gone, and you could only stare at the untouched bottle of juice across from you or the glass door swinging closed.

Jennie liked practicing with her members. Of course she did-- there was no one she loved more than those 3 girls, and spending time with them was always exactly what she needed. And practice reminded her of better, simpler times: learning a new choreo with Lisa for the next evaluation, practicing English with Chaeng, or asking Jisoo for help with vocals. There were memories in the scratches on the floorboards of the practice rooms, and Jennie liked feeling them every time she stepped inside.

But besides that, it was a secure place. No Dispatch, no cameras, and certainly no PR stunt girlfriends. It was supposed to be her happy place, her home away from the dorm, and the last resort for time alone.

Of course, you had to change that.

“Jennie, Y/N’s here to see you.”

At the sound of her manager’s voice, Jennie’s ankle twisted and she fell to the ground, still panting from dancing. Jisoo bent down to help her up, Chaeyoung and Lisa stopping their practices too. “What?”

He raised an eyebrow, tilting his head towards the hallway outside. “Your ‘girlfriend’. She’s here to see you.”

Lisa gasped at that, her head whipping towards Jennie. “Jennie unnie! You have a girlfriend? Since when?”

Jennie winced and waved Jisoo off before walking towards the door. “I... I’ll explain later. Don’t worry about it, keep practicing. I’ll catch up.”

As soon as she stepped outside, she found you standing there, your smile so wide, as if she hadn’t been so cold to you since the beginning. “Hi, Jennie.”

“Why’re you here?” 

You barely faltered at the tone of her voice, holding out one of two bubble teas towards her. “I brought you boba, I thought you might need a rest from practicing. And don’t worry, Dispatch got the pictures they needed, I ‘forgot’ to put on a mask when I got out of the car just outside the building.”

Jennie sighed, but she accepted the offered cup anyway. She was thirsty; all she could hope was that you wouldn’t take it as a sign to keep coming to see her. “And? I thought we agreed that we only needed to be seen in public when our companies schedule it.”

“Well, I’m not just here for the PR,” you frowned. “You’re obviously opposed to actually dating me, or even from becoming friends with me, but it’ll be miserable if we’re both mean to each other. Let’s at least be civil, okay?”

Why? she wanted to ask. How? How can you be so positive even when faced with me? She pursed her lips, taking a sip of the drink. Somehow, you’d gotten her favorite flavor just right, and maybe the sugar rushing in her blood was what prompted her to say, “Civil. Sure. Thank you for the boba, Y/N.”

“Of course!” you grinned. You startled Jennie when you went to take your flannel off, even more so when you reached out to give it to her. “Here, take this.”

“Um. Why?”

Sighing jokingly, you pressed it into her hand. “Next time, you’re coming to see me. If you wear this while you’re caught on film, it’ll raise a lot of suspicions. Exactly what we want, right?”

Jennie nodded at that, closing her fist around the fabric. “Right. So, are you... planning to watch us practice?”

“Oh, no,” you shook your head, waving your hands. “No, I’ll probably just hang around. Unless you want me to?”

Some tiny, annoying section in the back of her mind wanted to say ‘yes’, but Jennie could hear Chaeyoung laughing in the practice room, and the thought of introducing you to her members wasn’t exactly appealing. “No. That’s okay. Thank you for stopping by,” she attempted a smile. Thankfully, you just bowed and waved goodbye again before turning around the corner, and Jennie relaxed with a sigh.

But your smile lingered in her mind. The first time she saw you, she thought it was genuine-- maybe you were just that polite, just that professional, even with how impossible it was. But talking to you on her own, she saw too many false grins, too much effort being put into keeping that likeable, fun personality up.

Perhaps she wasn’t the only one who was lying, but that fact did nothing but scare her more. 

“So. Are we gonna talk about Y/N?”

Jennie sighed, keeping her eyes on the road. “No.”

“Really? Because you didn’t exactly look happy after talking to the person who’s supposed to be your girlfriend.”

The rapper raised her eyebrows even though Jisoo couldn’t see it over the phone. “Well, she isn’t exactly my real girlfriend.”

In the background, Chaeyoung asked, “What? Then why did our manager say she was?”

“It’s a PR stunt,” Jennie said bluntly. Her manager sighed in the front seat but didn’t speak. “That’s it. Y/N has a good reputation, I don’t. I’m in the biggest girl group in the world, she isn’t. We’re benefiting from each other.”

Lisa groaned into the phone, her voice tinny over speaker. “Is that seriously it? I only heard you guys talking, but she’s trying so hard, and you’re shutting her down. It could be good for you, unnie.”

Jennie pinched her nosebridge and pleaded, “Can we please not talk about this? I’m just doing this-- it’s a PR stunt. Nothing else to it. I gotta go anyway.” She ended the call before anyone could say something, leaning back and pressing her hands to her eyes.

“I don’t understand why you’re so opposed to this, Jennie.”

“Please. Shut up,” Jennie groaned, reaching for the flannel on her lap as the car lurched a stop. The smell of perfume swept over her as she tugged the clothing on, leaving her mask off but donning the sunglasses that she’d been paid to wear. “Thank you for driving me, I’ll see you in half an hour.”

Her manager called out, “One hour. Try to have fun, okay?”

It wasn’t like Jennie couldn’t hear the click of cameras following her as she buzzed herself into the apartment building, couldn’t see the flashes half-hidden in the surrounding bushes. But she schooled her expression and let herself into the building, engulfed in silence once again for the 7 minutes before she reached your apartment door.

“Hi, Jennie,” you greeted when you opened the door. It was disarming to see that perfectly crafted, perfectly kind expression, but Jennie followed you inside anyway.  To be honest, the way you decorated your apartment was almost a perfect reflection of the you that you presented-- sweet, comfortable, but a completely blank slate that could be arranged easily. No pictures decorated the walls, just like how your easy smile never left your face, and the only things on your expensive glass shelves were awards and your own albums. But you smiled, “The flannel looks good on you.”

“Thanks. You can have it back,” Jennie mumbled, peeling it off and draping it over one of the acrylic chairs that tastefully decorated your living room. “It’s a nice place. You’re lucky to live alone.”

You hummed, clearing a pile of papers off the couch so that she could sit. “Sure, I guess. It’s a lot lonelier than the dorm, but it is nice to have all the space to myself.”

“Right.” She sat obediently and accepted the petite cup of coffee that you pushed towards her. “So, what are we supposed to do for an hour?”

“I thought we could watch Netflix and grab some takeout,” you chuckled embarrassedly, reaching for the remote. “I can’t really cook, but I’ll pay for anything you want to order.”

Jennie should’ve asked for pizza, jajangmyeon, something inexpensive but universally enjoyable. But the more she looked at you, the more she realized that for all your effort, nothing she did could possibly break you. Making dinnner for you once, even becoming friends with you and pulling away again, wouldn’t change anything when everything she saw of you was... false. So she stood, made her way to the kitchen, and opened to the fridge. “I can cook. What have you got?”

“Oh, you don’t have to,” you protested and followed her over. “I’m serious, I can pay for anything you want.”

The rapper ignored you and frowned at a tub of kimchi. “How does kimchi jigae sound? You’ve got close to nothing in here.”

You were silent for a moment, but sighed and moved to open your cupboards. “Kimchi jigae sounds great. You’re going to be carrying this dinner, I hope you know.”

“That’s no problem,” Jennie chuckled, turning to you slightly. “By the way, have you got any soju?”

“I thought you’d have a better alcohol tolerance.”

“Why?” Jennie groaned, head clutched in her hands. The steam from the cup of coffee that she convinced Chaeyoung to buy for her was absolutely going to melt her makeup, but under the LED lights of the waiting room, she wasn’t sure she cared.

Lisa sighed and patted her shoulder softly as she passed by. “I mean, wasn’t there a month where you went to a different club every night? It’d be weird if you did that completely sober.”

Jennie frowned; she wished she could tell Lisa that she actually spent every night of that month huddled in the corner with a mocktail, hoping to the heavens that Dispatch didn’t burst their way inside and find her hiding. But she shook it off and replied flippantly, “Drinking a lot doesn’t increase everyone’s tolerance, believe it or not. Maybe Y/N just had really strong soju.”

Before the dancer could respond, Jisoo opened the door and popped her head inside. “Hey, guys, they’re ready for us to start filming. And, Jen-- you have a visitor.”

“Who?” she groaned in answer, struggling to her feet and wincing as she removed her sunglasses.

Her question was answered as she reached the stage, finding a familiar face among the camera directors. “Y/N?” she squinted.

“Hey, Jennie!” you shouted with your hands cupped around your mouth. The smile on your face was a little wider than usual, poked into your cheeks differently. It was pretty, Jennie realized, and more genuine. “Good luck!”

Before she could ask what you were doing, huddling with the cameramen while she prepared to film her first Queendom stage, she was called up on stage. But for once, Jennie could feel a smile tugging at her lips as she got into formation, a smile that she hadn’t been able to pull off for a while.

You startled her by cheering her name just before filming began, and inciting laughter from the crew. Some warm flower blossomed in her chest as Jennie spoke her first line, her voice more steady than it had ever been during practice.

As soon as she finished the first attempt at the group shot, Jennie bent down at the edge of the stage and beckoned you forward. “Hey. What’re you doing here?”

“I’m cheering you on, of course.” Jennie found a banner with her name on it in your hands as you approached, the tip of your nose cold from the air-con in the studio. “You did great.”

“Thanks,” she chuckled softly, feeling the banner between her fingertips. “Where’d you even get this?”

You shrugged, “Bought it. I had to make an account and all, so you better be feeling more energized.”

“I am.” Jennie herself was surprised at how true the statement was; for some reason, seeing your dyed hair in the crowd of cameras was like a shot of pure adrenaline, just more intense and gratifying. She smiled, “I am. It’s really nice of you to come, Y/N.”

“Of course,” you said, waving the banner around with a grin creasing in the corners of your eyes. “We’re girlfriends, after all. And I’m your friend.” At the call of a director, though, you stepped back. “I should let you film.”

“Y/N?” Jennie called after you. When you turned to face her again, Jennie allowed her customary gummy smile to take over her face as she said softly, “You can call me Jen. All my friends do.”

You were too far away for her to hear your answer, but the excited little jump you made as you walked back to your spot kept the grin on Jennie’s face as she stood again. She missed the relieved glances her members exchanged behind her back, but she could feel a new kind of energy coursing through her as the director started his countdown again. And-- she kind of liked it.

You hated the popular belief that idols who presented the sweetest, kindest version of themselves to the internet got absolutely no hate. Fans, family, managers-- they all believed that never letting your smile slip and never having a single scandal would protect an idol completely. When you were deciding on your persona for your debut, you thought the same, and so you forced yourself into the happy, positive personality that the world knew.

However, for all your effort, for all the things you had to endure with that same smile on your face, people hated you. They called you fake, tried their best to get under your skin just so they could see you fall. But it was too late to fight back, because that wouldn’t become the kind, sweet Y/N. It was too late to ask for help, and it was too late to let yourself cry. 

When you met Jennie, you were determined to keep her on the outside of that precious mask you could never remove. After all, what would she understand? She did what she wanted to, didn’t care what people said about her, and she was strong. Jennie was as strong as you wished you could be, and you were sure that she would never understand. But the more that you saw her and the more that you talked to her, the more you understood that you were one and the same. That tough, carefree version of Jennie was what protected her, just like your perfectly engineered smile.

The first time you saw Jennie laugh, you knew that you were in deep. She didn’t know a single thing about you, but she was letting her walls down and letting you in-- or at least, the you she knew. But you liked her smile so much that you wanted to keep it there, at any cost. And maybe it meant sacrificing yourself.

“Are you ready?”

“For what? Walking through the street, undisguised enough that Dispatch will recognize us but no one else will?” At your pout, Jennie stopped her grumbling and laughed softly, still adjusting her scarf in the car mirror. “Yeah. I’m ready.”

A beat of silence passed as she grabbed your hand and led you out of the parking garage and onto Garosu-gil. “Hey. Y/N, I want to tell you something.”

“Yeah?”

“I... I’m glad it’s you.” Jennie squeezed your hand, her skin slightly cold with the wind blowing softly around the two of you. “I’m glad you’re the one I’m doing this with.”

You wished that she wouldn’t say that. You wished she’d feel anything else towards you-- contempt, hatred, even, despite everything you’d gone through just to become civil. But you squeezed back, flashed a smile that didn’t quite reach your eyes. “Me too. You know, it’d be a lot worse if they set me up with a guy.”

“Why would they?” Jennie frowned in answer. “You came out on your own.”

“Unlike you, I didn’t prove it. You know Korea, you aren’t gay until you prove you are,” you sighed, scuffing your shoes against the cobblestones. “They wanted to set me up with a guy at first, but they decided that accepting YG’s offer for me to date you would be more beneficial.”

The other girl paused, and you didn’t quite dare to look up. “Oh. So you didn’t choose to help me, did you?”

You shook your head quietly, expecting Jennie to react badly. But she huffed out a breath and pushed your arm softly. “That’s okay. We’re friends, anyway, and it was hard for you to get us here already. I appreciate you, you know.”

Opening your mouth to respond, you noticed yet another camera flash, just between two buildings ahead of you. “What?” Jennie asked, following your gaze.

“I-- Don’t hate me for this, okay?” you whispered, stopping in the middle of the road. Before she could say anything, you placed your hands lightly on her jaw, pulling Jennie towards you; before your lips actually met, though, you gave her a second to pull away. Instead, she leaned forward just the slightest bit, barely enough to connect.

You didn’t quite dare to move, but Jennie’s hands rested on your waist and pulled you into her, just enough that your lips slotted together. You could barely hear the clicks of the camera, the warmth of the girl that you were kissing completely clouding your brain.

Before anything else happened, you released your grip and stepped away, lips suddenly cold. “I think that’s enough,” you whispered, linking your hands again and lowering your head.

Jennie laughed breathlessly and continued to stroll along when you prompted her to. “That’s all you have to say?”

“Um. Sorry?”

She only giggled harder at that, shoving you slightly. “What are you even sorry for? You’re a good kisser, Y/N.”

“Shut up,” you groaned, heat rising to your ears as you shoved her back. “How do you even say that with a straight face?”

“Hey, I had to listen to Lisa say ‘bitch I’m a star but not Patrick’, I think I can handle this,” Jennie joked. Despite all your effort not to, you found yourself staring at her smile again, losing yourself and any other worries bothering you in it, and her, once again. 

Jennie frowned at her phone-- or actually, at the blankness of her texting history with you. After the little PR stunt at Garosu-gil, you hadn’t contacted her once, and she didn’t dare to surprise you at your apartment or properly ask you what was going on. 

“Haven’t you heard the saying that a watched kettle never boils?”

“I’m pretty sure it’s a pot,” Jennie replied listlessly, still staring at her screen. “But I have heard it, yes. I’m just hoping the universe proves it false.”

Chaeyoung sighed and hugged her older member from behind, swaying back and forth. “Why don’t you just message her? Or go see her? Our manager won’t say anything about it if you just say it’s for PR.”

“It is,” Jennie frowned, turning to her member. The Australian girl raised an eyebrow, and Jennie bit her lip. “Okay. Maybe it isn’t.”

“It definitely isn’t,” Chaeyoung rolled her eyes. “I saw those kiss pics, you know. And no one kisses like that if it’s ‘just PR’. You like each other, unnie, and it’s time to face it.”

Jennie swatted Chaeyoung’s arm. “That’s so cheesy, shut up. But... do you really think I like her?”

“That’s a question for you to answer,” the younger girl pointed out. “But I’ve known you for close to a decade. If I’m right about this, and I’m sure I am, everything’s about to change for you.”

“Ugh, cheesy again,” Jennie groaned, but she stood hesitantly nonetheless. “But... I guess I’ll give it a shot.”

On her way down the stairs, the rapper dialed her manager on her phone and held it up to her ear while she waited for the dial tone to fade. “You’re driving me to Y/N’s house,” she said by way of greeting. “And it’s not just for PR.”

She was sure that no car ride had ever gone slower; Jennie fidgeted the entire way, cursing every bus that blocked her way and scowling as the sun began to set behind a set of buildings in the distance. The more she thought about it, the more definite it was-- she liked you, more than she thought she could like a person. And while that fact would’ve scared her, should’ve scared her, it didn’t. Because it was you, and nothing about you could scare her anymore.

Somehow, the process of buzzing herself in at the building’s front, taking the same elevator up to the 67th floor, and hurrying her way down blue-carpeted hallways had become familiar. Jennie knocked persistently on the door of your apartment and called out, “Hey, Y/N, let me in. It’s Jennie.”

It took a while for anything to happen, and Jennie was almost backing away by the time that the door finally cracked open. For once, the smile on your face was missing, replaced by a guarded, harsher expression than the other girl was used to seeing. “Jen. What’s up?”

“Uh,” she hesitated, “can I come in? I don’t think we can talk in the hallway.”

You looked like you wanted to say no, but with a pleading look from Jennie, you backed away and let the door swing open. Jennie shut it quietly, following you into the living room, where you stood with your arms crossed. “So. What can’t we talk about in the hallway?”

Jennie wanted to say outright the words that were beating in her throat, but the expression on your face alarmed her. You were like a stranger-- or, maybe, she realized that you had finally let your mask down. “I... Y/N, are you okay?”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” you responded. Suddenly, the roles were reversed;  Jennie was the one reaching out for you, maybe even chasing after you, and you were somehow the one who was turning away.

“Okay,” Jennie said quietly. You were about to turn away, probably assuming that she was going to leave, but if Jennie had learned anything from you, it was that she couldn’t give up that easily if she wanted you to open up. “What do you want from me?”

“I don’t want anything from you,” you responded instantly. Your words only hurt more when you didn’t look up from the television, continuing, “I don’t want you, and I don’t want anything from you--”

“You don’t get to say that to me.” Anger was once again rushing through Jennie’s veins, though not the kind of anger she was used to experiencing. No, she wasn’t mad at your words in the slightest, or even offended-- she was simply pissed off about the fact that you were shutting her down, and she didn’t know why. “Not when you were the one who started this. Y/N, you wanted me once, you don’t get to go back on that without an explanation,” Jennie gritted her teeth, gripping your forearms in her hands.

You finally turned when she shook you lightly, your face blank. “What, I don’t get to shut myself down? You did it the entire time I was trying, giving my all so that you’d talk to me or even just be civil.”

Jennie pleaded, “You succeeded, didn’t you? You’re right that I was a total bitch when all you were trying to do was be nice and make this tolerable for the both of us, but you succeeded. Okay? You-- you’ve made your place in my heart, and I’m not even angry about it. I just... I just like you that much.”

A derisive scoff escaped your lips as you twisted your arms out of her reach, stepping away. “You like me? Jennie, you don’t even know me. This me, the smiles and boba and everything, it’s a facade.” You threw your hands up in the air, biting down on your lip before sighing out, “It’s fake. All of it.”

“I know it isn’t,” Jennie shook her head desperately. She searched your eyes, scanned the sea of the color she’d grown to love, for some semblance of the person she remembered kissing her. “Look, you kissed me. And I know it was for the cameras, but you can’t tell me that you felt nothing from it. Y/N, you’re a good liar, but you can’t lie to me, not about this.”

You were quiet at that, glancing down at the floor as if you had nothing to say. “I didn’t,” you finally answered, tone firm. “Maybe you did, but I--”

Unable to stop herself, Jennie rushed forward again and tugged you into another kiss, her hands scrunching into the hair splayed over your shoulders. She was almost afraid that you’d push her away, curse her and throw her out of your apartment, but she felt your lips moving against yours. She felt your hands splay on her back, and she felt tears slipping down your face.

When you finally did push her away, it was gentle, though you were rough when you wiped the tears off your face. Jennie wished you’d speak first, but she brought herself to speak. “If your smiles were fake, think of the real ones you brought to me. Even if my smiles were from your facade, that’s still a part of you. I know that though you weren’t trying to, you let me see the real you. And I’m willing to see the rest of you,” Jennie smiled, clasping your hands within hers. Sometime along the way, she’d started crying too, but the salt of those tears was almost honeyed on her lips. “If you want me to.”

“I do,” you sighed, accepting the kiss that Jennie pressed to your forehead with a teary smile. “I want nothing more than that, Jen. And-- I’m sorry.”

“Why?” she laughed, wiping the tears of your face so much gentler than you did. “I know what I want now. It’s you, and it has been you since you tried buying me a green juice in that damn coffee place. I like you, Y/N. So much.”

You tucked your face into the crook of her neck and snaked your arms around her waist again. “I like you too. More than I ever thought I could.”

And maybe, just maybe, you knew what you wanted too. Somehow, that mask you wore had long been tossed to the side. Somehow, each kiss pressed to your face by the girl you never knew you needed to find lingered on your skin like the touch of a miracle, and the smile on your face was finally, finally genuine like you had always wanted it to be.