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knnichs · 18 days ago

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my eternity

young love, loyalty, and admiration. a gentle reminder from your dear friend that he will stick with you, even after you've gotten sick of him.

c. kingdom messenger sethos x royalty gn!reader

t. character(s) are friends with reader but have romantic feelings, mutual pining (ish??), royalty au obviously, friends to something more but less than lovers LOL, reader is the princeps/princess/prince of the vehero kingdom, dehya obviously knows about readers crush on sethos & sethos' crush on reader, fluff, not proofread we die like bamoun, POSSIBLY OOC SETHOS ??? wc: 4.1k WOOHOO

taglist. @thestarswhisper @honeyney @pneumosia @tragedy-of-commons @gl4di0lus @ariadnehelx @azuresaqua @mikashisus @yuomizuu-> join the taglist here!

author notes at the end !

The sun had already begun to set, but your day was far from finished.

Being the future ruler of the Vehero Kingdom, you had quite the list of responsibilities. It wasn’t as simple as attending your classes on time and doing homework once you got back anymore–despite being homeschooled your whole life. No, you now had to help with managing the events, attending meetings, and political discussions. You have to watch your every step as even the smallest mistake may lead to war.

Now is a time where you truly had to be aware of everything you say. The annual banquet was just around the corner and you had prepared a hefty bit of it. So, safe to say that you have put in a ton of effort just to make this event possible this year. It’s not that your parents didn’t trust anyone to do it for them, or they didn’t have the time to manage it–you were of age now. Maybe it’s time you take part in these events, they said to you.

You’re tired of it, though. Incredibly tired.

In between your duties–you caught glimpses of a familiar dark brown haired fellow come and go in the palace; talking with the maids, laughing while playing cards with the guards, and leaving once more with his bag filled to the brim. Sethos, your kingdom's beloved messenger.

You remember telling him to deliver the invitation letters in the port's post office after the last group of messengers failed to bring it as they ‘lost’ them (they really just went to the tavern and completely forgot about it.) He’s quite efficient with his work–usually a quick trip to the port would be around 30 minutes by foot, yet he manages to come back 15 minutes earlier.

Ah, yes. His “secret power,” as he loved to say. Especially when the king, your father, compliments him for his diligent work and asks for his route–he simply shrugged and said “I just move fast.”

There he is, in the flesh, several doors away from you; your best friend of many years now. He’s come to teach you many things about the palace. Secret doors that lead to underground tunnels, hidden doors in the library… You wonder why he knows all of this.

You lean on the wall, shoulders shrugged as you crossed your arms and sighed. You couldn’t wait until night came around–changing into your silk robes and lying on the soft mattress while reading a book you liked, or falling asleep immediately.

“Your highness,” Dehya coughed, seeing your prolonged stare at the window. You hadn’t noticed you zoned out already–no wonder your eyes felt heavy. “Is something wrong?”

You shook your head as you faced the girl, greeting her with a small smile. “Nothing in particular, Dehya.”

She glanced over your shoulder, catching sight of Sethos immediately. And she grins. “Boy problems? Why don’t you go talk to him?”

For some odd reason, the idea makes you a little excited. After a really long day, a good talk with your… friend, would be pretty rewarding. Sethos is quite an entertaining person–you thought to yourself many times, questioning if he could possibly feel the same way to you.

But again, it probably wouldn’t happen at all.

“Ah, yes! Let’s go bother someone who is clearly busy. Great idea.” You roll your eyes.

“Come on, your highness. I don’t think he’ll mind,” Dehya takes a few steps closer to you, hand pointed at the window as she looks at you encouragingly. “See? He’s wavin’ at you right now.”

You went to look at the window–watching what was going on. “No, he isn’t.”

“Oh my god–just go approach him!”

“And I’m telling you, I’m doing something.”

“I don’t get paid enough for this,” Dehya puts her arms up in defeat, eyes closed as she looks down at the floor and grinned. “I’ll see you later, your highness.”

She walks away, leaving you alone in the hallway filled with tiles and marbles and old paintings that look almost alive. You stare as she opens the doors and goes to the many living rooms in the palace. A part of you thought that she was right–maybe you should. But you somehow couldn’t get the courage to.

“He’s busy.” You repeat–mostly for yourself.

“We both don’t have the time.”

It’s been a hectic day. You’ve walked maybe ten thousand steps today from preparations alone, you wonder how it would be like on the event itself. You’ve talked with the maids, told the band what to play during the dinner, you cleared the menu your parents created as they weren’t appropriate at all for a banquet, so you ended up creating another menu and checked with the chefs if they were possible. There were just so many more that it’s hard to list them all in your head.

Now, you were fresh out of a hot bath, some chamomile tea on the side of your nightstand. You were laying in your bed, wrapped in the softest blanket, dressed in loose clothing, and you had just finished reading your book. The night was cold, so your balcony was halfway opened to bring some air into your bedroom. The moon is shining on the carpet, it’s comfortable, it’s nice.

But you can’t sleep. Not at all.

Some thoughts are rushing in your head–and there are no thoughts at all. The blanket is soft, but you feel too hot, and when you take it off you feel cold. Your head sinks into the pillows but it makes you dizzy, your tea was too sweet and now you wonder if you somehow added too much sugar and ended up getting the energy to do things. You’re tired, but not at the same time.

Does that make sense?

On nights where you find yourself restless, your first thought is to go to the gardens. There, you’re alone, only with the moon's gaze and the flowers you tend to when you have the time. Tonight is no different. Once again, you’re looking up at the sea of stars above you to find comfort.

If being an heir to the throne was this stressful, you wonder how much worse it’ll be when you do eventually become their leader.

“In deep thought, your highness?” A familiar voice calls just behind the bushes, to where the swing is. Usually you’re all alone on these nights, but it doesn’t necessarily mean a certain someone joins you from time to time.

“Sethos,” you push a few stray vines from the tree, ducking down from the branches and looking at the white swing. “Apologies… for the silence. I didn’t notice you were here.”

“It’s fine, I didn’t say anything anyway.” He pats down the space beside him, moving a little to make more room. You smile, taking a seat and nodding a thanks to the boy.

Silence wasn’t uncommon when it came to the two of you. He understood your duties drained you socially and physically—which is why he usually fills the silence with his voice. Talking about his day, what he did, or reminiscing a little on memories from the past.

“You’ve been out and about, what brings you here at this hour? I’d be too tired to even make the trip.” His voice had a raspier edge than usual—proof of his exhaustion from the day as well.

You look at the sky again, “I don’t know, actually. I felt too tired to sleep. Quite odd, isn’t it?”

He laughs, the sound bringing a certain warmth burst in your stomach.

“I’ve got just the idea then.” The boy stands from the swing and it sways the slightest bit from the sudden movement. He reaches a hand to you, offering to help you up. “Wanna join me, your highness?”

“Sethos, my friend—I trust you, but… is this okay?” You held the ends of its saddle. With a huff, Sethos successfully brings the two horses you got for your 16th birthday out of the stables. Without alerting anyone at that.

He blows the flame in the lamp, leaving the room dark as you two head out to the streets. “Yes, yes. It’s fine, completely fine.”

Although, you're not the least bit assured. If your parents catch you sneaking out late at night–without a small group of guards with you–the scolding would last weeks. All Sethos is doing is taking your hand in his, nodding as a promise. We won't get caught, and you won’t have to suffer through their endless yelling.

The sounds of their hooves tapping against the stone floor echoes throughout the streets. It’s a sound you pay no mind to in the morning–especially during events, where there are more horses to count. But at night, everything just seems to be louder. But you push forward, seeing as your little friend is exceptionally confident that nothing would go wrong. Oh, to see the look on his face when he does get caught sneaking out with the heir of the royal family this late at night–it makes you curious. Would he feel guilty, or would he feel playful and try again another time?

“This way,” He whispers, redirecting the two of you into an alleyway. You know this place, you often head through here when you need to reach the gatehouse quickly.

Which has you wondering, where is he even taking you?

There are not many places in the kingdom that would require you to pass by this specific alleyway to the gates. Well, there are none at all. The gates have only one use, and it’s to exit and enter the walls of your kingdom with ease–so why is he bringing you there with not one–but two horses?

Is he planning an escape? There is that possibility, the only problem being that he never told you in advance–how were you to get clothes and daily necessities without any mora on hand? You didn’t even fill a single pouch with the coins, like what they do in drama plays when the main character elopes with the love interest!

If that’s the case, then is this some kind of proposal? It’s true that you find Sethos attractive–you liked the way he carried himself in conversations… his smile, the way he urges you to do the most random things. Like, five years ago when he asked you to play in the mud with him after a storm. Who even offers to do that as a pastime? Your clothes would’ve gotten stained with the dirt, but he insisted otherwise.

So he’s seriously asking you to elope with him, this is just insanity!

“Sethos–wait!” You stop in your tracks, holding your palm up to his face when he turns around. “Is there… something you want to say?”

He pauses for a moment, blinking in surprise. What, had you finally caught on? Did you figure him out, with the way he’s acting right now? Holding your hand, guiding you through the kingdom–gods, he hoped not.

He laughs, “What are you even talking about? Read too many fantasy books?”

“I just–”

“No, I’m not trying to kidnap you–or anything of the sort. We’re going out to a spot I know that could help you relax.” Sethos takes a few deep breaths, no doubt trying to calm his heart from exploding at that very moment. He puts your hand to his chest, looking at you with those bright eyes of his. “Trust me. I won’t do anything to harm you, your parents would kill me if I did.”

That, they would. But you don’t say it outloud. Instead, you gently nod your head and he smiles.

“Aren’t there any guards around?” You ask, hiding behind a crate–you can’t say the same about your companion, on the other hand, and the horse you’re with right now. (Her head is peeking over the tall crates stacked on top of another, but she looks adorable doing it.)

Sethos has his arm raised in front of you. “Well, yes. But look closely.”

You squint as you do, but you see Cyno–the highest ranking knight–lead the other guards stationed by the gates to a game of TCG. It was just a sight to see, truly, you knew Cyno loved playing the card game–but not this much.

You try to hold back a chuckle but Sethos catches on, nudging you with his elbow, his lips curving.

“Let’s go, before they come back.” The boy says, holding the lead rope and leading the three of you to the gates.

“Did you pay Cyno to do this?”

“Maybe.”

The first thing that greets you outside of the kingdom walls is the familiar blow of the cold night wind, the earth's somewhat comforting dirt smell, and the deafening sounds of crickets around you. Sethos helps you up as you hop on your horse, gesturing for you to follow him into the forest.

The air only gets colder as you move, racing through the trees as Sethos speeds up. If anyone would pass through the woods now, the first thing they would hear is the laughter you two are letting out. One moment Sethos is in front of you, the second you turn he’s already behind you, preparing to scare you.

You slow down when you realize you were all alone. The trotting of Sethos’ horse can’t be heard, and no matter how loud you shout for him, he wouldn’t pop out of nowhere. You thought this might just be an elaborate set up for another scare he was going to give you, but you’re shocked to see that even after a few moments pass by, he still cannot be found.

Great. It’s the middle of the night, you’re stranded in a forest and you have no clue how to get back to the kingdom, and you have no knight with you. You don’t even know how to use a dagger. This is exactly a plot for an assassination, based on the books you’ve read.

After some seconds of struggling to get off your horse, you pat her back as a thank you. You’re not sure why you did that, exactly, the gesture just seemed nice.

Then, the sound of rustling reaches your ears.

It was from behind you–as you turned, you saw nothing but bushes. It was quite dark–so except for the moonlight shining on the field right now, you could barely see anything past the trees. Maybe it was just a rabbit, it always is. So you turn, paying no mind to the potential danger that could lie beyond it.

Suddenly you’re tackled on the ground, rolling over the patch of grass as someone has their arms around you. You’re tense, trying to break free from their hold–but once you had opened your eyes, you found out it was just Sethos who had, once again, scared the soul out of you.

“What is wrong with you?!” You yell, though playfully–you try to get him off, but he wouldn’t budge. Not at all. In fact, he impossibly hugs you tighter.

The boy doesn’t respond, instead letting go and helping you sit. You try to brush off the grass on your clothes, and once you look up, a yellow-orange glow surrounds the both of you. Fireflies. There are about a handful of them around the field, they look like stars from afar, it’s a mesmerizing sight, really.

“How do you like it?” Sethos whispered, sitting beside you.

You smile, “It’s beautiful.”

“I’d hope so. I found out about this place when I was out delivering the letters,” He plucks something from the ground, then reaches for your chin. He gently makes you turn to face him, and you notice the orange glow reflected in his eyes as he does. He tucks a piece of your hair behind your ear, placing a flower right on top. “Is it to your satisfaction, your highness?”

The action makes your heart skip a beat–you almost think that the two of you were having a moment until he ruffled your hair playfully and looked away. You don’t answer the question.

“Dehya told me you saw me this afternoon lazing around near the guardhouse,” He muttered, his voice softly muffled since he kept his hand on his mouth. “I was actually chatting with them. A lot of the guards seem to like you now that you’re running around the castle more often.”

“Really?”

“They kinda look forward to seeing you now,” He hummed, “I guess the same could be said for me… Except–I was first, of course.”

“Oh, so you only liked me now, is that it?” You reached over and poked his sides teasingly, the boy laughed in response, trying to get your hand out.

“No–no! Of course not! I mean… I’ve always liked you, you know? But in like–not in a weird way.” Sethos looks away once again, but you catch a glimpse of the red dusting his cheeks. The boy was a liar, and you knew that.

He cleared his throat before speaking up once again, trying to clear up the awkward tension in the air.“A-anyway, how’s the banquet preparation going?”

The banquet was the last thing you wanted to talk about, if you were being honest. You came here to relax–not to talk about this again. You groan when you let yourself fall into the grass, Sethos turns his head from the sudden movement. He laughs, “Well, not a fan of the topic?”

“Talk about something else. I beg.”

“Okay then,” He reaches for something in his leather bag, he doesn’t take his hand out yet. “My friend, Tighnari. Oh, not to talk about it again but, you guys should totally invite him–well, his kingdom, to the banquet.”

You roll your eyes when he mentions the event once more, “I don’t think that’s talking about something else.”

“Anyway,” The boy grinned, trying to continue the topic anyway. “He’s a botanist, so he’s great with flowers. One day, he told me that if you pressed flowers, you could get a pretty good bookmark.”

He gives you said bookmark, smiling. “So, here. White roses in resin, since you like to read.”

Your lips curved as you received the box, sitting back up and muttering a thank you. A singular flower could be seen in the middle, its petals made to look as if it was still blooming. There were a few scattered branches around, and some leaves on the side for decorative purposes. The translucent resin only added to its beauty, it wasn’t too thick–nor too thin, definitely a bookmark you could use for your reading. You struggled finding random objects to mark the page you were on anyway.

“Thank you, Sethos.” You muttered shyly, “You just know everything, don’t you?”

You still held the bookmark in your hands, admiring the details of the flowers–the placement alone is already something to be amazed about. Everything fits perfectly, right to your preferences. You wondered if the flowers itself represent some sort of meaning–Sethos may not look like it, but he says things with hidden hints most of the time.

“How did you meet Tighnari?” You asked, glancing over the bookmark once more. “You mentioned he was from another kingdom, I’m wondering how you got to know him.”

He leans back, hands supporting his weight from behind his back. “Pure coincidence,”

“Is that so?”

“Yeah. Cyno and I got assigned to a mission, we were just going to accompany the King and the Queen for their afternoon tea time.” He continued, “Asked Cyno to come with me and walk around, we were bored to death. He refused and just stayed put. I walked around and saw the guy in their garden fiddling with the plants.”

“He was complaining about the placement. ‘The flowers won’t get any sunlight from here, and it’s way too unaligned!’ ” He imitated, you chuckle at his horrible impersonation.

You smile, “I’d like to get to know him someday.”

“Oh, you should! His skill is just impressive. Once you’re done chatting, you’re bound to know a thing or two about plants.” He grins.

“You know, you always seem to bring people like that into your life.” You say, “People who are really good at what they do. Tighnari with his plants, Cyno with–whatever he’s doing, and you with your… well, everything.”

Sethos turns to look at you, a look of disbelief and playfulness. “What? My charm? Come on, your highness. I’m honored but–”

“No, I meant more with your ability to just… click, with anyone. You’re not charming, not one bit.” You reply softly, seeing the way he looks almost sad with what you said–even if you knew he was just acting.

“Okay, maybe add the charm, too. You do have a way of making people comfortable.”

The boy chuckles, clearly flattered–but deflects the compliment with a shrug. “It comes natural to me, nothing impressive.”

“If you say so. I think otherwise,” You lay back down, looking at the stars. “But you are lovely to be around.”

Sethos is quiet for a moment, looking down at his hands–pondering your words. He had known you for many years now, but still, moments like this are… uncommon. Very rarely does Sethos open up to you, and the reverse. He thinks it may just be the exhaustion letting you speak freely. At the end of the day, you have a reputation to keep up as royalty.

He tilts his head, giving you that easygoing smile of his–a slight red still visible on his cheeks. “Someone’s gotta look out for you, your highness. I know Cyno or the other guards may just be more capable than I am, but–”

The boy finds a place beside you, laying on his side and turning to face you. “I have certain things that they don’t have. I’ve certainly known you for longer, I think that’s a plus.”

You can’t help but laugh softly, “I’ll hold you to that. Now you must follow me when I go to the market early in the morning.”

“Don’t I already do that?”

You hum, “Oh, I guess you do. You’re even more fitting, then.”

A silence, once again fills the air.

“I have much to do tomorrow,” You mumbled, eyes slowly closing with your fatigue. “Will you have some free time during the afternoon? Let’s eat lunch together,”

“I doubt it’s appropriate for a messenger to be dining with royalty alone.” He says.

You yawn, subtly stretching your back before rolling over to lay on your back, where you wouldn’t face him. “Don’t worry. It’ll just be like… friends eating together.”

Friends. The word is unfamiliar in your throat–It’s something more than friends, what you two have. Definitely not lovers, despite the feeling you get in your stomach when you see him look at you in a way anyone else couldn’t. You weren’t just friends either–assuming that the softness in his tone whenever he speaks to you was only reserved for you.

He nods, saying why not? You smile in response, falling asleep in the bed of flowers. It’s oddly comforting, actually, and quite cozy. You’ve never slept on the ground before.

“Your highness,” Sethos whispers, checking if you were awake. The sun had already started to rise, and the kingdom was starting to get lively once more as he heard the chatter of the guards just a little beyond the forest. He smiles, realizing you indeed have fallen asleep. He’s glad that you somehow found comfort, even if you weren’t at home.

He reaches to carry you in his arms, gently raising you up–careful not to wake you when you’re sleeping soundly. “Come on, highness. Hold tight.”

When he reaches to call for the horses, he wonders if you’ve ever stopped to think about what he truly feels towards you. It’s the saddest thing ever, that you don’t know his heart is full of you. He adores you more than words could express–yet you don’t have a clue, only because he never had the guts to tell you, not once.

Sethos walks towards the kingdom, you in his arms, and the lead ropes wrapped around his wrist. The sun shines on your face, and he wonders if you’re bothered by the sudden brightness, especially after spending the night in the woods.

As much as you hate it–he’s proud that you’re now the person organizing the yearly banquet. He knows how much you dread the event the day it comes, you hate socializing with people you barely knew. But he wishes that maybe you’ll change your mind this time around now that his friends would be coming along. People from the Akademiya, even if you don’t know them, he’ll be the one to introduce you to the people he also treasures.

Being the future ruler of Vehero, you certainly do have a longer list of responsibilities than he does. Although… he hopes that one day, his name wouldn’t be something on an endless list of chores.

@ knnichs 2023 ﹑ do not repost, republish, translate, feed to ai or modify any of my works. doing so can and will result into me blocking you.

reblogs with comments are INCREDIBLY appreciated! go scream go feral idc i will eat all of them up and run away with a familiarly shaped reblog in my mouth, thank you.

wow this was an eyesore to write. dawg i AM NERVOUS ABOUT THE DIALOGUE THERE ARE SO MANY IM SO SCARED ITS REDUNDANT i hate dialogue i say i hate it. this was so hard to write but i lowkey enjoyed it too (no1 party anthem on loop I WAS SO LOCKED IN) this took so long too .... ong i am GLAD its finally over hell yeah :pray: i MIGHT do a part two (keyword MIGHT) where they finally get together . .. But probably not im too lazy thank you goodnight

#—stellaronhvnters.#genshin #genshin x reader #genshin impact #genshin fluff #genshin x reader fluff #genshin impact x reader #sethos #sethos x reader #sethos x reader fluff #sethos fluff #sethos genshin impact #sethos genshin #wow knnichs posted i cant believe it

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princess-leaorgana · 9 months ago

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What Tieflings Do Chptr 7

Summary: After the takedown of The Absolute, Zelphie finds her city in need of more help and her home destroyed. She won't stop helping, but who can help her?

Rolan x Tav (Zelphie; ~30y.o AFAB, Sorcerer, Tiefling, not really described physically on purpose <3)

M/F

Author's Note: I fucking love tielfings. Along with this being a budding romance/smut/fluff/word vomit fanfiction, it's also my case study in DnD 5e tieflings, how they act, what sets them apart from humans and devils and elves. That being said, I have a few artistic liberties in here as well where I couldn't find a straight answer, if you'll amuse me.

Warnings - Spoilers for Baldur's Gate 3, Smut in this chapter, tiefling racism, little bit of angst

Chapter One Two Three Four Five Six

‘Come in.’

Rolan’s study was his little hideaway. Although Zelphie loved being invited there, when she was not, she meant to keep her distance. She meant to give him his privacy, for his studies and experiments were very important to him. However, she had just received an urgent message from Duke Florrick, Zelphie was needed for an expedition to The Cloakwood. This wasn’t the first of these she had been on, Scouts from the Flaming Fist were given a task and Zelphie was given the role of protecting them. Not usually did they run into any issues, but once anyone knew the person escorting the Fist was the person who defeated an Elderbrain and The Dead Three’s Chosen, they never attempted to put up a fight. Zelphie was usually just a bluff. She would report by morning and as the day was already late, so she would have to interrupt him. She opened the door and found him standing, hunched over a desk, dissecting something. She didn’t want to know. He glanced up at her and smiled.

‘Hello you,’ he said and looked back down at his work. She smiled back to him and walked over to his desk to place the letter down, her eyes shifting away from his experiment.

‘Good evening, I miss you,’ she said and Rolan picked up the letter she had placed down and removed a pair of magnifying spectacles from his face. ‘Duke Florrick is sending me on a two day trip to Cloakwood tomorrow. Should be easy, I’ve been there with the Fist before, normal delivery. Mostly walking,’ she said and Rolan read the letter. He glanced up at her when he finished.

‘And you told her no?’ He asked, handing her the letter back. Zelphie frowned and shook her head.

‘Of course not, why would I pass this up?’ She asked him, as if it was an illogical question. It was, as Rolan would always be, perfectly logical. Zelphie wasn’t incredibly well. In fact, she had an appointment with a home visit nurse the next day, which would have to be canceled if she went on this trip. She was also ill, and had been for about a week. She was incredibly tired and would get sick twice a day. She had no fever and had a great appetite. Rolan knew exactly what was wrong with her, and truth be told he was having a hard time with it. Zelphie assumed what was going on but neither of them were talking about it. Any person could see, along with her physical symptoms and her trigger happy sensitivity, that Zelphie was pregnant. Lia and Cal were tip toeing around the subject as well. It would also explain her weight gain, everything fit perfectly into the puzzle. So, naturally, Rolan was not happy for her to go.

‘Because, as lovely as the Flaming Fist are, you are more important than them,’ he told her simply. ‘You are not strong enough right now, my darling,’ he told her and she scowled, pointing her finger at a battle dummy, striking it with a bolt of lightning. The dummy was left singed and toppled over. Rolan frowned, understanding her point instantly. ‘I didn’t mean like that. You know I didn’t. These last few weeks, your magic has been incredibly powerful-‘

‘Then what did you mean?’ She asked him quickly and he sighed.

‘Powerful magic, plus the inability to control it and a weakened body doesn’t make you strong,’ he told her quickly. ‘It makes you weak, you are weak right now, not only could you get hurt, you would do a disservice to the Fist.’ Zelphie crossed her arms, fuming. ‘There are plenty of mercenaries out there who can help while we find out how to make you better,’ he told her and placed his spectacles back on the bridge of his nose.

‘You cannot forbid me to go,’ she told him stubbornly and he nodded.

‘You are correct, but I can wish it. I will be incredibly unhappy if you go, and I may insist on coming with you,’ he told her. It was strange how they had flipped their conversation as of late. Zelphie was now the hot head and Rolan had learned to control his anger, he did it only for Zelphie. Everyone else bore the brunt of it. Poor Cal. ‘I will write to Florrick on your behalf, if you are feeling guilty, I know that’s why you are upset,’ he told her and she huffed. He was right, and that was annoying. This wasn’t an incredibly important journey, any ranger in the city could assist. Zelphie still felt like she owed her city something. He glanced up at her, waiting for her argument. She didn’t have one. She just didn’t like him telling her what to do. He was absolutely correct, but she was struggling to accept that. ‘I will write to Florrick,’ he settled and went back to his work. Zelphie stomped her foot and turned around to leave. ‘I love you,’ Rolan called and she grumbled back at him. She wanted to hit him.

He was right, she had no right putting herself and others in danger. But what was the point of her anymore if she wasn’t to do anything? Besides a little check-up the next day, she had nothing. She could easily have stayed in Rolan’s office and either helped or learned something, but she was in a terrible mood. So, she would do what her body was telling her, go and eat.

Lia was in the kitchen, apparently having the same idea as Zelphie, she was picking at some sort of leg, probably a cow. Lia turned and looked at her, sucking something off of her thumb.

‘You look pissed,’ she said bluntly and Zelphie walked to the ice box and rummaged. She wanted something sour.

‘Because I am,’ she said back and Lia sighed.

‘When is your appointment again? Please tell me it’s in two minutes,’ she said and rolled her eyes and Zelphie shot a look at her. She slammed the ice box door and walked out of the kitchen and headed to the main living area. She should have gone to her room, since her mood was only getting worse, but that’s where she stomped off to. She sat on a large sofa and crossed her arms, angry as a toddler before their nap. Lajy wandered into the room, his tail up and curled over and he hustled to his mother. He always had impeccable timing. Zelphie broke down into tears and opened her arms for the cat, who purred in her lap and rubbed himself on her furiously. He was a lovely boy, terribly cuddly when he was needed.

‘You’re on my side, aren’t you Lajy?’ She asked the cat and she cried, rubbing his head. She laid on her side and cuddled him, crying and listening to him purr. ‘You don’t hate me, do you?’ She asked and the cat butted her head with his and she kissed his forehead. She just let herself cry and be comforted by the cat, looking down at her hand, rubbing her emerald for comfort. She knew deep down no one in the tower hated her. She was being very hard to live with. Still, for the past dozen days, Zelphie was no longer privy to the intelligent part of her brain. Only paranoid, raw emotions. She wasn’t alone for very long before Rolan appeared in the living room. She closed her eyes, refusing to look at him. She felt him walk over, his heavy robes making a low swishing sound with every footstep. He knelt down in front of her and placed a gentle hand on her head.

‘Would you enjoy a little fresh air with me?’ He asked her and she sniffed and opened her eyes. He looked so tired, but he was smiling at her.

‘Are you going for a walk?’ She asked him and he nodded.

‘I need to clear my head and air out my office. I hoped you would want to join me,’ he told her, knowing the exact right thing to say. She kissed Lajy’s head, still crying a little.

‘Come little one, walk with mummy and daddy,’ she said and Rolan’s smile grew. He stood up and helped her up. She hugged him tight as soon as she was up and she felt his arms around her. ‘I love you too, Rolan,’ she said and he laughed lightly and kissed her forehead.

The day went on like normal, Rolan did go back to his studies, but Zelphie felt better and had a cup of tea with Lia. The sisters teased each other and Lia got a little game going to try to see how many times she could make Zelphie laugh before Zelphie would either cry, lose control of her bladder, or at least fall over. Losing control of her bladder went first, and Zelphie excused herself for the night.

In the morning, for her appointment Zelphie dressed in a light wrap dress for the cleric’s ease. Rolan brought the cleric up to their bedroom to inspect Zelphie. He genuinely hated bringing strangers up this far in the tower, but it was a medical necessity, he would allow it for Zelphie’s privacy. The cleric was an older woman, a human, which made Zelphie a little uncomfortable, but the woman was kind and soft.

‘Your husband told me all of your symptoms the other day, and normally I make my visits fast, but after we spoke, I really don’t think this is much of an emergency,’ she explained and placed her bag on the bed. ‘Go on and lay down for me,’ she said and Zelphie did as she was told. Rolan walked closer but attempted to stay out of the way. ‘Master Rolan says you are tired, emotional, you're up sick a lot?’ She asked and Zelphie nodded.

‘Yes,’ she said simply and the cleric laid both of her hands on Zelphie’s stomach and pressed gently. The woman smiled and closed her eyes. Zelphie instantly felt warm and a faint yellow glow appeared by the woman’s fingers and on Zelphie’s stomach. The glow and warmth went away after a moment and the woman laughed a little. ‘I don’t know you from the freckles on my elbow, but my guess is that this is your first, sweetie,’ she said softly. ‘You can get up now, we’re done here,’ she said and Zelphie frowned. She got up and looked at Rolan. ‘Actually, why don’t you two take a seat,’ she said and Rolan sat next to Zelphie and took her hand. Once all was settled, the woman clasped her hands together. ‘It’s my honor to tell you that you have a wee one on the way.’ Zelphie’s mind went blank. Rolan was looking down at her, the woman was still speaking, but she couldn’t get past that. A baby. A wee one. She was pregnant. How could that be? She couldn’t be a mother. No, not her. Lajy was her baby, not an actual baby. How could she have a baby?

The poor cleric was still speaking, but Zelphie wasn’t understanding anything. She placed a hand on her belly and looked over at Rolan, who was just staring at her. She couldn’t really read his face, his eye contact was intense and his jaw was a little tight. He looked as though he was going to pop. He looked back at the cleric and responded to a question she had asked, but Zelphie kept looking at him, at his profile. His strong brow, his sharp jaw, the way his fangs caught the light as he spoke. He was going to be a father, a father to her child. Not just any baby, hers. He had gotten her pregnant. She would make him a father. Rolan stood up and Zelphie blinked, taken out of her trance.

‘Well, this will be my most pleasant visit today, that is for certain,’ she said as Rolan walked her out.

‘I don’t think I could use those same words myself, your visit today was nothing short of a miracle. A visit for a lifetime, thank you,’ he said and the cleric left, quicker than she had come. With that little visit, Zelphie’s whole world had changed. The door to their bedroom shut and Rolan turned around. Zelphie stood off of the bed and walked over to him and he held up a hand to stop her. She stopped and was nervous. He walked over to her. ‘No more walking for you,’ he said and very quickly and with little effort, he scooped Zelphie up, cradling her and walking her right back to bed. She squeaked as she was lifted suddenly.

‘Rolan!’ She squealed and he placed her on the bed, but before anything else, he kissed her. He was happy. She was very happy but had almost forgotten about Rolan. She didn’t know if he wanted children, he had never seemed like a man who liked children. Though, that was a shallow thought. Rolan was a hero to all of the refuge tiefling children in Baldur’s Gate. It was he who saved all of them in the Shadowfell. He was obviously a family man, but a man who would coo over a little baby? She wasn’t so sure. A man who wanted a little one? She had no idea. Now she had some kind of feeling he might have wanted that. She wrapped her arms around his neck and laughed into their kiss.

‘Oh my darling, my love,’ he muttered, kissing her. ‘I can’t believe this, I knew it, but I still can’t believe it,’ he said, his voice shaking. She pulled away and placed her hands on his face. His face contorted and he sobbed. ‘I never ever thought this would be my life,’ he said through tears and hers followed immediately. ‘Thank you, thank you,’ he placed his forehead onto hers and she laughed as she cried.

‘Oh Rolan, I’m so happy. You really want a child? A little snotty baby that will grow into a grubby little toddler?’ She asked and his wavered smile just grew. He nodded.

‘If that child is my child with my Zelphie, by gods yes,’ he said and sniffed and she kissed him once more. Their lips crash together, all of their emotions coming out physically. As they kissed, Zelphie’s legs hooked around Rolan’s. Rolan sat up and with ease of his forefinger, unwrapped Zelphie’s dress. She bit her lip and looked up at him, but he was looking at her body. He placed his hand where the cleric had and Zelphie grinned. ‘Is she here?’ He asked softly, his voice shaking. She. Zelphie sniffed and took his hand and moved it down, under her navel. ‘Right, right, that makes sense,’ he said and leaned down. He kissed her skin and Zelphie could have melted. ‘Hello in there,’ he whispered and Zelphie was a puddle, crying again. This was a wonderful moment. She’d never been happier, not for a long, long time.

‘Oh Rolan,’ she said softly and ran her hand through his hair, but he wasn’t done talking to the hard little spot under her navel.

‘I hope you can hear me, you and I need to have a little chat. Listen, you’ve been making your mother an emotional wreck, and I won’t tolerate that kind of behavior in this home,’ he went off and Zelphie screamed a laugh. Rolan felt silly doing it, which was not something he ever liked doing, but it made her laugh. ‘You’ll behave or I promise I will come in there,’ he said and that sent Zelphie over the edge. She kicked, her tears now from the uncontrollable laughter.

‘Rolan! Stop!’ She begged through tears and laughter. He chuckled and crawled back up to her and kissed her neck, tickling her. ‘Rolan!’ She squealed and he lifted his head enough to speak into her ear.

‘I love you,’ he said and she wrapped her arms around him.

‘I love you more,’ she told him, and he nipped at her earlobe and she sighed happily. ‘Mmmm…when you bite me, it’s like a little brand, right?’ She asked and he hummed in response, nipping and kissing her skin. ‘And you always make sure it’s in an area I can hide, like my thigh or my back or my bum,’ she said and he hummed again. ‘Pretty soon, one of your little marks will be very hard to hide,’ she told him playfully and he lifted her head to look at her properly. ‘The baby,’ she explained and Rolan leaned down and kissed her lips. The baby would grow and it would become very obvious to everyone around. Zelphie was very happy about it, but Rolan would be warned that proof of their sex life was about to be public. Clearly, he didn’t care. She felt his finger loop around her underwear and pull on them gently. Zelphie lifted her hips so he could remove them. He kissed down her neck and she purred loudly for him. She was stupidly happy, delirious with joy.

‘Oh,’ she cooed as she felt Rolan’s fingers in her middle. He was delicate with his fingers, careful of his claw as his forefinger stroked her. She was incredibly sensitive. That was just fine with Rolan. Her hips pushed against his fingers a little and she felt his fangs digging into her collarbone. She hissed and her hips bucked again. Her tail curled up between his legs and rubbed up against him. She cursed his robes, he always had to dress so well. He moaned softly but continued his work, stimulating her clit, and making a mess of her collarbone. She ground her hips and he chuckled.

‘Don’t you tell me you’re already so undone,’ he muttered and tutted playfully. She rubbed herself against him, begging for more. ‘My darling is soaking, is that what I do to you, hm?’

‘Yes Rolan, you ruin me,’ she whimpered. She was desperate. The phenomenal news was coursing through her and evolving into pure instinct. His dominance, taking complete control over her and the situation. She was turned on more than she could remember ever being. She was so in love with Rolan, but the added situation that he had impregnated her was scratching an itch she didn’t know she had. She always felt a flutter when Rolan showed off his power, magical and physical, but this? She’d never thought of him more powerful. It took two to make a baby, but in one action, Rolan changed her life for good. Forever.

‘Let us just see how sensitive my little wife is,’ he said and she whimpered. ‘Shhhh…no need to beg, I’m here,’ he said and kissed down her torso. She opened her eyes and looked down at him. He was so beautiful. She was hyper focused on his face as she breathed through the warm sensation she was feeling. His eyes flashed to hers as he lowered his face to her middle. She felt light headed. He ran his tongue firmly from her hole to her clitoris and her eyes rolled back into her heat. Just hearing him licking her, up and down, was sending her over the edge. Her tail was coiled tightly around his upper thigh. ‘So needy,’ he muttered, holding her thighs down and open for him. She sighed, as if gasped for air. She was terribly close.

‘Oh gods dammit,’ she muttered. That familiar tingle in her toes, a warmth rushed over her. He was barely doing a damn thing. His hands on her thigh refused to move as she attempted to writhe her hips and the legs. He did make sure now to just give her clot attention, his warm breath quick as his tongue. She wanted it but she was a little angry he had gotten her so quickly. ‘Rolan,’ she whimpered and grabbed one of his horns to brace herself, as he pinned her to the bed. Warm, wet ecstasy ran through her, gushing from her. Normally, Rolan would slow down, allowing her to ride out her orgasm, but his new ego wasn’t going to let her go. She kicked as he kept going. His one hand was holding down on her mound, making sure she didn’t slip from him, spreading her lips as he tormented her.

‘Relax,’ he whispered, not removing his mouth from her. Her hips bucked and she howled, her hips bucking, and he laughed.

‘Ro,’ she whimpered. He finally let her go and her body convulsed. Electricity shot out of her fingertips, little sparks and Rolan growled happily.

‘Beautiful, that’s my girl,’ he sat up and wiped his face. She caught her breath and he laughed again. ‘What a mess,’ he tutted and she felt the burn marks she had left on the sheets. She felt guilt, but her euphoria was so much higher. She caught her breath and he gently traced her thigh with his claw, making her shiver and twitch.

‘Rolan,’ she whimpered and he smiled. ‘Damn you,’ she said and he smirked. She placed her hand on her forehead. He just watched her, watched his work, reveling in what he had done to Zelphie. She looked up at him and tilted her head at him. ‘Are you going to make a mess with me?’ She asked. He was fully dressed, his hair was a little messier than before. He grinned and tilted his head back.

‘What do you mean by that?’ He asked her, his voice so soft and low. She pouted up at him. He laughed again. ‘Was that not enough?’ He asked her and got up on her elbows.

‘Are you going to make me beg? Me? Your pregnant wife?’ She asked and Rolan’s face fell. He cleared his throat and regained his composure. He knew she was guilting him, but the phrase his pregnant wife stopped his heart. He took her hand and leaned over to kiss it. Zelphie pulled his hand. She wanted to kiss him. She got what she wanted. His lips crashed to hers and she got her hand wedged between their bodies, finding his erection through his robes. He sighed softly into her mouth. He sat up a little, fussing with his robes, pushing them up enough so he could quickly enter her. Zelphie gasped, not thinking he wouldn’t even get undressed. He thrusted quickly, watching her bounce under him. ‘Fuck, fuck,’ she cried and Rolan placed his forehead on hers and she bit her bottom lip, keeping eye contact with him. ‘I love you, I love you,’ she whispered and he groaned, quickening his pace. This was perfect for her, Rolan selfishly rutting on her. He had the length, the girth and the texture of a teifling, so it felt incredible, but she liked it when he acted like this. Desperate, untamed. She couldn’t explain it, but him fucking her, desperate for an orgasm, for a release, it excited her to no end. The sounds he made, the way he held her, his claws in her hips. She could smell him. She closed her eyes and she felt his hand on her neck.

‘Look at me,’ he said, his voice gruff. Her orange eyes opened to see his yellow ones looking right back. His brows were knitted together in concentration. She kept eye contact until his eyes shut.

‘I love you,’ she told him, knowing he was close. ‘I love you, Rolan,’ she moaned and kissed his neck. His hand on her hip and his hand on her neck tightened. A guttural moan and shiver came from him and after two hard thrusts, he slowed dramatically. She leaned up to kiss him and he kissed her back, softly, he was spent. She giggled and rubbed her legs against his. He peppered her face with little kisses and she continued to giggle.

‘All mine, mine, mine,’ he whispered and she nuzzled her nose to his.

‘No, mine,’ she said and caught his lips once more. He sat up with a groan and gave her backside a little pat.

‘Well, now that that is out of my system,’ he said and she laughed. He looked her over as he pulled his robes back down to cover himself again. ‘You and I have some planning and chatting to do,’ he said and she sat up with him, covering herself up.

‘Oh? Chatting about what?’ She asked him and reached over to fix a lock of his hair.

‘About you, and myself, we’re going to need to change how things are run here, certainly. I can have you in the shop still, but…’ he began and she frowned. Uhoh. ‘No more…excursions,’ he told her, it was a kind request, or demand, but Zelphie did frown. ‘I don’t want to argue about this, so please, let me explain myself. I’m not trying to control you, although, truly, sometimes I wish I could,’ he expressed and her brows furrowed. ‘But…you cannot be, you and I are very different people. You go and you have friends and you have your adventures, and I do love that about you. I love that we are different. You’ve shown me a different way of life. Since we met, you have shown me how to…’ he sighed and shook his head. ‘And I have tried to give you your life. I wish for you to do what you want, be independent, but now…’ Zelphie watched him carefully. Rolan was correct, as controlling and brooding as he was, the homebody, the sage, he did allow her whatever freedoms she wanted. She knew it killed him for her to be gone for days on end. Once or twice she had come back in worse shape than she had left and she knew he hated it. But he, as much as someone like Rolan could, bit his tongue. He had compromised with her every single time, with little arguments every once and a while. ‘I don’t-’ he cleared his throat and held her hands. ‘I don’t want to put you in a box, in a display case, don’t think that’s what I am asking. But…when I don’t know where you are, I can’t breathe,’ he said and rubbed her knuckles. Zelphie’s face softened a little.

‘I used to live worse than this,’ she assured him and he sighed.

‘I know, but that doesn’t mean you should go back. Would you be very happy if I returned to Avernus?’ He asked her quickly and she stared up at him. ‘I survived Avernus, so surely, I can survive everything, is that what you think?’ She shook her head. ‘I’m not saying you are not capable, but if capability meant one hundred percent success every single time…well, that can’t be. You will get hurt, you have gotten hurt. One day, that hurt might…’ he trailed off and chewed his lip. ‘Yesterday, losing you meant a lot of pain for me. And of course Lia and Cal and all of your friends, but I only cared about my pain. Now? Darling, I don’t want for our child what was given to us,’ he said and Zelphie just looked at him. She looked down for a moment. ‘When I picture myself as a parent, I picture myself giving every single thing on this planet I can to my child, would you promise the same?’

‘Of course I do,’ she said and her mind rattled. He was absolutely correct. She was preparing for a little fight, one where she would win, he couldn’t tell her what to do. She was not his caged pet, she was his partner. But his point, like usual, was logical. She was having a baby, making her a mother. Her priorities needed to shift. It wasn’t about her anymore, or even Rolan. She placed her hand on her lower belly. ‘I…you’re right,’ she said softly and she felt Rolan’s lips on her forehead.

‘And don’t think for a moment that I’m excluded in that. My work will take a step back. No longer will I be locked away in my study, all hours of the day, though, I will admit, I do need to take up reading on a subject I have yet to ever read on,’ he said with a chuckle. ‘I’ll be more present, I’ll make you sick of me,’ he told her and she smiled a little.

‘I suppose the man with every script written in Faerun needs to go book shopping,’ she said and he laughed.

‘Indeed,’ he said and rubbed her hand.

‘I promise to…act a bit more like a mother might,’ she said and Rolan shook his head.

‘You already have fantastic maternal instincts,’ he told her and she smiled a little. ‘You are the most loving person I have ever met, giving selfless. The reason you want for your adventures is to help others,’ he explained and she buried her face in his shoulder and he laughed again. ‘Don’t feel like you need to give me any credit either,’ he said as he wrapped his arms around her. Zelphie laughed and shook her head.

‘You know well enough you have much more parental instinct than I do,’ she said and looked up at him. ‘You at least know what family feels like, I’m very new to it, and I only have it because of you,’ she told him and he leaned down to kiss her.

‘And before anything else, there is one more thing I would like to ask you,’ he said and Zelphie just looked up at him. ‘Before you become the only one in this whole tower entitled to ask for anything, of course,‘ he said and she couldn’t help but roll her eyes. ‘Could we tell Cal and Lia?’ He asked and she blinked a few times, waiting for the favor. It never came, that was it. She threw back her head and laughed.

‘Yes! You idiot!’ She laughed and he grinned. She stood up quickly, fixing herself, her linen dress completely ruined by their little romp. He got up with her and helped her and she fixed his cowl. ‘They probably already know,’ she said and the couple walked out hand in hand. Cal and Lia most certainly already knew. Everyone knew. Zelphie knew very well, as did Rolan. They knew about her appointment, and were waiting impatiently in the sitting room. Lia had her arms crossed and was pacing. Cal was staring out a window. They both swiveled to Rolan and Zelphie’s attention when they entered. Cal hurried right over, his eyes darting between his brother and sister-in-law.

‘Well?’ He asked and Zelphie’s heart beat quickly. Zelphie looked up at Rolan. She was going to burst, but they were his siblings. He would have the honors. Rolan smiled and looked down at Zelphie and then over to his brother and sister. He opened his mouth to speak, but Lia jumped in.

‘YOU’RE PREGNANT!’ She shouted and put her hands over her mouth. Usually Lia was boisterous, but that had clearly been an exciting accident. Thank goodness she had been correct.

‘Yes, thank you, Lia,’ Rolan said, his face falling into an annoyed frown. Lia enveloped her brother into a hug quickly and Rolan hugged her back. Zelphie watched the pair before she got her own hug, a big one from Cal. Zelphie hugged him back.

‘Thank you for making me an uncle,’ he said happily and Lia squealed, hugging Rolan tighter and he groaned.

‘Aunt Lia and Uncle Cal! Oh! And mommy and daddy, oh I can not believe it!’ She squealed and kissed Rolan’s cheeks. Rolan got out of her hug and pushed her away gently.

‘Would you give me a little room for air?’ He asked his sister, who just took to hugging Zelphie. Zelphie welcomed the hugs and kisses and Cal hugged Rolan. Zelphie just hugged Lia tight.

‘Good thing you two didn’t have a wedding, saves money for baby, oh I’m so excited! When? How far along are you? Oh! Are you feeling alright? You should sit,’ Lia rambled and Zelphie laughed.

‘I don’t know, I didn’t ask, it feels early though,’ she said as Lia pulled her to sit on the couch. ‘But I’m fine, a little tired, but fine. Not like I thought it would be,’ she said and looked up at Rolan, who was just beaming.

‘I’ll go get something bubbly from the kitchen,’ Cal said and then faltered a little. ‘Oh, uhm…can..c-can you have something bubbly?’ He asked and Zelphie grinned.

‘No, no she can’t,’ Rolan said and Zelphie huffed. Rolan looked down at her. ‘And I won’t either,’ he said before she could argue. Lia sat with Zelphie and put a hand in hers.

‘Then none of us will, it’s fine,’ she said and squeezed Zelphie’s hand.

‘You three are absolutely too much,’ Zelphie sighed. She was incredibly lucky.

For the next few days, Zelphie and Rolan could be called obsessed with their new journey. Rolan spent a lot of money on not only items for the baby, but many things for Zelphie as well, different potions and foods and drinks and oils for her to keep strong, happy and healthy. If Zelphie had thought he was overbearing before, she’d never thought about him like this. A lot of it was too much for her to deal with, hovering over her like a hawk, giving her unwanted advice over everything, like he usually was but harder. Though, it came with a lot of perks, like taking care of her and being around more often. Rolan’s sexual appetite was still alive and well, but he was so much softer and caring. He was very caring, nurturing to Zelphie, taking care of her in the bath, rubbing her back and staying by her side when she was sick, massaging her before bed, all of it. She certainly wouldn’t complain as she was pampered.

A hot afternoon hit Baldur’s Gate as Zelphie was obsessing over what was her previous room. She had used the room for about twenty days in total before sharing a bedroom with Rolan, now it was just a room for her privacy. It went unused mostly. Zelphie was now found here most of the time. Lajy was with her as she was tending to a little garden area on the balcony. Tiefling babies had a very careful diet, and Zelphie was very happy to grow herbs and vegetables to help with the little ones’ diet and health. Six months wasn’t the longest time to plan. In the corner of the bedroom, Zelphie’s mage hands were knitting a yellow blanket. She was also very happy to make things for the little one, where Rolan would purchase. Some things Zelphie couldn’t make, but a few pillows and blankets and nappies were doable. A knock on the door and Zelphie stood up to see Lia in the doorway.

‘Hey, I was hoping we could go for a walk?’ Lia suggested and Zelphie smiled and nodded.

‘I would love that, all done for today?’ She asked and wiped her hands of dirt and Lia nodded.

‘Yes, and the last couple that came in did me in, they were bitching about every single thing in the world, I need to cool off,’ she said and Zelphie grinned.

‘Did you bite their heads off?’ She asked, removing her apron and Lia laughed.

‘You know I’ll get in trouble, so I just gave them to Cal and walked away,’ she said and Zelphie snickered.

‘Oh, and I’m sure they’re in love with him now,’ she said and Lia nodded. The two left the tower and began their walk down the Upper City.

‘I could have scratched their eyes out!’ Lia was still going on about the older couple who had come into the shop. Zelphie was just letting her rant, that was all that was needed. Zelphie worked with the public before and had her share of stories about problem customers. Though, some of her problem customers would have been abusers, so Zelphie would keep those stories to herself. She never told Cal and Lia about her previous work, before the kidnapping. She had barely mentioned it to Rolan once and he almost lost it.

‘Maybe one of these days you should, what did they even want?’ Zelphie asked, getting a little distracted with the smell of food in the marketplace. Her tail curled up a little.

‘I couldn’t tell you if I tried, it was as if every single time they asked a question and I answered them, they were looking for something completely new! It was awful, I’m working the counter tomorrow, fuck Rolan’s unperson,’ she said and Zelphie snorted.

‘Hellspawn!’

From the crowded rows of people, a few onlookers decided to take time out of their day to terrorize the tieflings. Rocks were thrown at their feet. Normally, Zelphie wouldn’t leave the Upper City for this reason, though racism was strong in all of Baldur’s Gate, the Upper City residents usually never shouted or got violent. They were not kind, but never violent. Today was different, for some reason. Lia wiped her head to find two men, calling at them, more putrid words of hate. Lia reached down for the thrown stones but Zelphie held her back.

‘Lia! No, no no, come on, leave it,’ she begged, pulling in Lia. Lia resisted, always in the mood for a fight, but after stress from work, she was like a time bomb.

‘I’ll show you Hellspawn!’ She shouted back at them.

‘Lia! Stop! Don’t fight back,’ Zelphie begged. Normally, Zelphie would live to fight back, but it was common knowledge that if either one of them got into a public fight, they would be arrested. Tieflings just weren’t welcome anywhere. ‘Think of your brother,’ she said and Lia put her hand down, dropping the rock. ‘Thank you, come on, come on, let’s find something to drink,’ she said and pulled Lia from the crowd. Lia grumbled and Zelphie held her close as they walked. ‘I know, trust me, I know,’ she said.

‘Fucking two tieflings saving the goddamned world wasn’t enough for those people?’ Lia went on, she sounded like she was going to cry. Zelphie laughed.

‘Unfortunately, one of those tieflings took her tiefling family and gave them the best real estate in the city. That on its own is a crime. They only mourn Karlach because she died. A dead tiefling is a behaved tiefling,’ Zelphie went on and Lia sighed. ‘For your brother’s sake, we really have to behave. His ownership of the tower can very well be easily contended, don’t give them any excuse, Lia,’ she said and walked Lia into a beautiful tavern, the Vicor, to try and steal her nerves. Zelphie wasn’t doing too well either, she was very easily rattled lately, so this little hide was for both her and Lia.

‘I’m doing it for your sake,’ Lia said as they sat down. ‘I don’t give a rat’s ass about the tower,’ she grumbled and Zelphie shook her head.

‘Liar,’ she said and Lia huffed. ‘I mean it, the tower means everything to all of us. It’s safety. It’s growth, literally. You’d be very upset if you couldn’t live there anymore, I know that,’ she said as a barmaid walked over. Zelphie ordered water and lemon and Lia ordered an ale.

‘I’d rather no one throw rocks at us in the street,’ she hissed and Zelphie nodded.

‘I like to think once my belly gets a little bigger they might stop…but I doubt it,’ Zelphie said and reached over for Lia’s hand. ‘Might get worse…I never used to get that around here though,’ she muttered and Lia nodded.

‘Maybe there really is no place for us,’ Lia grumbled.

The two settled over a drink. Lia went back to complaining about her work, and then the topic lightened to talk about the baby. Lia was very excited. She was convinced all of her normal anger would manifest into love for the new little one. Lia asked twice if it was already kicking, which sent Zelphie into a fit of giggles each time. Of course not, two months would not a kicking baby make. Zelphie paid and left extra, to Lia’s annoyance, but Zelphie would always do it. Maybe one day it would soften the hearts of Baldur’s Gate to tieflings. At least the privileged ones. They continued their walk, and were heading home when Zelphie noticed a little something odd. A newspaper hawker was shouting out a headline, something about a new guest from Neverwinter. Zelphie walked over to the young boy, who immediately stopped his little performance.

‘Oh, ah…you want a paper, miss?’ He asked and Zelphie smiled.

‘Absolutely, I can’t believe I didn’t know about some dignitary visit,’ she said and handed the little one a gold piece.

‘Oh, well, I uhm…you aren’t one of those tiefling wizards, are you?’ The boy asked and Zelphie frowned. ‘From the tower?’ He asked and Zelphie nodded.

‘Yes I am,’ Zelphie said and the boy frowned.

‘You shouldn’t buy this paper, miss,’ he said softly. ‘They didn’t write anything good about you in it,’ he said and Lia laughed.

‘Oh! Finally, a paper that doesn’t mention Zelphie’s heroism, Baldur’s Gate is healing,’ she said and Zelphie looked at Lia.

‘I don’t think that’s what he meant,’ she said and looked back down, holding her hand out. ‘I’ll take my paper, please,’ she said and the boy gave her the paper.

‘Just don’t be angry with me, they just pay me to sell it,’ he said and Zelphie nodded and she and Lia walked a little. Zelphie began to read through the paper, skimming until the third page.

‘Oh for fucks sake,’ she muttered and pulled onto Lia’s hand so they could hustle back to the tower. ‘This is why those brutes felt so bold earlier,’ Zelphie muttered, handing Lia the paper. The two entered the tower quickly, brushing past the entrance and there he was. The paper had an article from a guest writer, a writer who wanted Rolan and his family removed from Ramazith’s Tower. The writer had a few opinions on Rolan, one being he was a brutal homicidal maniac who killed Lorroakan in cold blood, for no other reason than his infernal blood. Tieflings were never lucky, tieflings did not rise to the top, clearly, this was devil work.

Rolan didn’t look up at his sister or wife when they entered. He had read the paper, Zelphie could tell. He was staring at the floor, his hands behind his back. Zelphie walked over to him and reached out for him.

‘Ro,’ she whispered and he slowly looked her in the eye. ‘Ro, it doesn’t matter,’ she told him and he shook his head, looking back down at the ground.

‘When will we ever be safe?’ He asked her softly. ‘I’ve put a target on our backs,’ he continued and Zelphie shook her head.

‘It’s one person out of thousands, please, Rolan, don’t think like that. We are incredibly safe, because of you,’ she told him, placing a hand on his cheek. ‘No one can come here, no one, me and Lia and Cal are safe because of you. And we have the power of the Council on our side, Rolan. They can’t take this from us,’ she continued, but knew there would be nothing that could put him at ease. The truth was, Rolan, along with others including Zelphie, had murdered the rightful owner of the tower. Rolan did not have any right to claim this historical building, other than he defeated its master.

‘That won’t stop a revolution in the streets,’ Rolan said and Zelphie frowned.

‘It will, I will write to Duke Ravengard, he will fix this,’ she told him and that seemed to irritate him.

‘He can’t just keep being our hero, Zelphie,’ he snapped. ‘I broke it, I must fix it,’ he argued and she scowled.

‘No Rolan! You can’t keep thinking that this is Elturel or Avernus, we live in a community now. A thriving community,’ she argued back. ‘Sometimes you are entitled to being helped,’ she told him and he sighed.

‘Zelphie is right, Rolan. You can help this family by asking for help. This isn’t going to be solved with the four of us alone. When Zelphie and I were on our walk, these two men-‘ Zelphie whipped around and hushed Lia. Rolan looked up at Lia and his brows knitted together.

‘What?’ He asked and Zelphie sighed.

‘Gods dammit, Lia,’ she scowled, but Lia continued.

‘They were shouting at us and were throwing rocks, I’m sure this article had something to do with it,’ Lia said and Zelphie glared at her. She didn’t enjoy keeping things from Rolan, but he was already in a state, she would eventually tell him. Eventually.

‘Who was this?’ He asked quickly and Lia shrugged.

‘Just two men, trust me, I tried to fight back, but Zelphie refused. Good thing too, as it might have proven this writer’s point,’ she sighed and Rolan looked down at Zelphie.

‘Are you hurt?’ He asked and she shook her head.

‘No, they had bad aim,’ she said and Lia laughed. ‘It’s not the worst thing someone has hurled at me,’ she reassured Rolan, who was not very reassured. He sighed, but he nodded and looked back down at the floor. Zelphie looked at the spot he was staring at. She knew that spot very well. It was the last place his old master had been, where his corpse had lain. Her hand left his cheek and she took his hand. She didn’t know what to say to him as he reached up and rubbed his temple.

‘I need…to think,’ he said and looked at Zelphie, who frowned but nodded.

‘Call for me if you need me,’ she told him, assuming he would want to be alone. He looked at her in silence for a moment and nodded. ‘I love you,’ she told him and he leaned down to kiss her forehead. He grasped the side of her head tightly as he did so, and it broke her heart when he walked away.

‘He’ll be fine,’ Lia told Zelphie, who just nodded and shook her head.

‘I know, I know, I just hate to see him so upset that he won’t even argue,’ she said and Lia smiled.

‘Sometimes I forget how well you fit into our family,’ she said and Zelphie smiled at her.

Zelphie continued to tend to her little garden after a ‘light’ snack, a whole six ounce slab of beef. Lajy brought her a dead mouse. At least one of them was productive that day. While Zelphie had her fingers in the soil, she felt a little buzzing on her finger. She lifted her hands and stared at her right hand. Her wedding ring was buzzing, humming. She looked at it curiously. Then she heard something. She held her hand close to her pointed ear and listened. The ring, while humming and buzzing, was crying. Crying? How could it be crying? Why was it crying? Why did it sound like Rolan? Zelphie looked at her ring again, just as she did at least once a day, but really inspected it. She waved her left hand over it, trying to see if she could feel whatever magic might be causing this. There was magic, but nothing that Zelphie could recognize. She walked out of her room and the crying got louder. She opened her bedroom door, it was empty. She walked upstairs and heard the crying get louder. It was certainly Rolan. She walked to his study, and the ring got louder. She knocked gently and then opened the door.

‘Rolan?’ She called and walked in. She looked at his desk and saw Rolan hunched over it, sobbing. A half drunk glass of wine beside him. She walked over to him quickly. ‘Oh Rolan, my love,’ she called and wrapped her arms around him. He heaved a loud sob. ‘Oh my darling,’ she muttered and knelt next to him. He had his head buried in his arms. He placed a hand on her shoulder. ‘Hey, hey look at me,’ she told him softly.

‘I-I c-can’t do a damn thing,’ he sobbed and lifted his head. Zelphie hugged him tight and kissed the side of his face. ‘I can’t save us,’ he sobbed into her neck, holding her a little too tightly.

‘Shhh….we are okay, we are okay. You know where I was just a moment ago?’ She asked as he just cried into her shoulder. She felt awful. She had seen him cry to himself twice before, but this was something different. He was devastated and stressed beyond measure. ‘I was tending the baby’s garden, out of the balcony. I couldn’t have been more safe, I was so happy, tending that garden, thinking about all we have, my family. You’ve already made me safe, Rolan. If you didn’t bring me here, if you didn’t love me so much, I’d be selling myself on the streets of the Lower City,’ she told him and he sobbed harder. That was the truth, but she probably should have kept it to herself. ‘My life is so, so much better and safer than it ever was, even before my kidnapping. Because of you and Cal and Lia. So when I see you so upset over my safety, it boggles my mind,’ she told him. She rubbed his back, her heart was truly breaking for him. ‘Oh Rolan, I’m sorry,’ she whispered. She wanted to make him feel happy once more, but whether this alone was truly killing him, or was the last straw in a list of stressors, she knew a few words weren’t going to make him feel better.

She stayed right there, kneeling in front of him, letting him just cry. It was awful, but he needed it, and she wouldn’t stop him. This was her job, to support and cherish him. She was very happy to do everything she could for him, so she would be his handkerchief and diary whenever he needed her. She just rubbed his back and kissed his forehead.

‘Come on, let me get you more comfortable, Rolan,’ she pleaded. This wasn’t comfortable for her, she couldn’t imagine how comfortable he was, hunched over. She got him to his feet and walked him to their bedroom. Their bedroom, amongst all of the chaos these last days have brought, stayed mainly the same with one small additional, a cradle. Well, some of a cradle. Rolan had been working on assembling one with a lot of help from Cal. Rolan wasn’t exactly good with laborious activity, but he was incredibly picky and Cal had to deal with Rolan’s vision while he did the actual labor. It was a little on the massive side, nothing that Zelphie would have chosen personally, but she never gave any negative input. She didn’t mind at all, as long as baby was safe. She loved that he was working so diligently on the cradle, she loved watching him fuss over it.

‘I’m so sorry, I don’t know why I can’t shake this, all of this,’ he said miserably, walking to his side table for a handkerchief and blew his nose loudly into it.

‘Rolan, please don’t apologize, after everything we all went through in this past year, I don’t blame you. When was the last time you cried?’ She asked him. ‘Really cried because of stress?’

‘When Cal and Lia were captured, and then again when I almost died in that godforsaken Shadow curse. Only to be saved by you,’ he told her. Zelphie walked over to him and helped him with his robe. She wanted him in bed, without a care in the outside world. He deserved a good cry, a glass of water and a cuddle.

‘Everyone deserves saving, Rolan, especially you,’ she told him softly.

‘But how am I to ever pay you back for what you have done? How many times did you save my ragged tail since we met?’ He asked, sounding so desperate, as if he wanted her to berate him.

‘As many times as you absolutely needed it. And it wasn’t just me, my love. When Cal and Lia were taken I had…six, SIX other people also helping! And I would have dragged you down into those dungeons with me if you were cursed with a tadpole, I promise,’ she told him and reached up to hold his face. ‘You’re damned powerful, especially when you are angry. But we couldn’t bring Halsin or Jaheira there for a reason.’

‘And Lorroakan…’ his voice cracked and Zelphie shouted a laugh.

‘Oh that mother fucker? I hit him maybe once before you and the angel got to him, I don’t want credit for that,’ she told him and laughed and there it was. He was still crying, face wet with dark red blotches, but he smiled a little. She leaned up and gave him a little kiss, tasting the salt of his tears on his lips. That would do for now.

‘You are my angel,’ he said softly and hugged her. She hugged him back quickly and she kissed his cheek.

‘And you are mine,’ she told him softly, her tail cooling around his ankle. ‘I don’t know what I would be without you, Rolan,’ she told him softly and his grip got a little tighter.

‘Do you really mean that?’ He whispered and she nodded.

‘Yes, yes with all my heart,’ she told him and the couple stood in a hug for a moment. Rolan had calmed down considerably, at least with his sobbing. He had little hiccups, she would fetch him some water. ‘Rolan?’ She asked softly and he hummed. ‘Are our wedding rings sending stones?’ She asked and his grip on her loosened. He pulled away enough to look at her.

‘Yes, yes they are…I…’ he began and she looked up at him. ‘They won’t work to track your general whereabouts, but…if you rub it, I will know where you are,’ he told her. She had only rubbed her ring when she was terribly upset and needed him. And each time he appeared to comfort her. ‘Stupidly, I got lucky today, you’re as smart as a whip, figuring that out yourself,’ he told her and she tilted her head.

‘Why didn’t you tell me?’ She asked him and he bit his lip and shrugged. ‘Rolan,’ she urged him and he shook his head.

‘I don’t know…when we exchanged them a lot was going on, I forgot and then when I wanted to tell you you weren’t around and…I don’t know. I did not mean to keep it from you,’ he said and sighed. ‘And…after you used it the first time, I sort of assumed you knew what it was, or I was happy to think that you might have thought-‘

‘That you could show up when I needed you?’ She asked and he winced.

‘Yes,’ he said and looked away. Zelphie frowned and looked at him. She didn’t know how she felt about that. A flash of her Dream Figure showed up in her mind, The Emperor. ‘It wasn’t the intention, I promise…I’m sorry,’ he said and looked back down at her. ‘If you want the stone removed, just tell me, I’ll understand,’ he said and she shook her head.

‘No, no, I genuinely don’t mind it, it is incredibly handy. I don’t mind you knowing where I am…it just,’ she said and shrugged. ‘Is there anything else you wish to tell me, Rolan?’ She asked him and he sighed through his nose.

‘I don’t think so,’ he told her softly and she nodded.

‘Can you teach me how to use it?’ She asked and he smiled and nodded.

‘Of course,’ he told her and leaned down to kiss her. She kissed him back. He held her close again and she wrapped her arms around his neck, her fingers playing with his hair. It was getting pretty long. She would never ever tell him that she preferred it this long, she would just compliment it. If he ever wanted to cut it, she wouldn’t fight, but she did secretly love it long and down. Her fingers played with the little knot keeping it half up and she felt him laughing against her lips. ‘Like a cat with a toy,’ he told her and nuzzled her face.

‘Sorry, I like playing with it,’ she told him and he smiled.

‘I have no complaints,’ he reassured her and she grinned.

‘Let’s get you into bed,’ she told him and as unusual as that would be for Rolan, he didn’t put up a fight. He had drunk three glasses of wine and cried for about an hour. He was ready for a lie down, for certain. He climbed in and she poured him a glass of water and handed it to him.

‘Thank you,’ he said and she smiled at him.

‘Do you need anything else? Lajy cuddles?’ She asked him and he raised his eyebrow at her as he drank his water. He finished his drink and shook his head.

‘Lajy would be fine, but I better be getting you in this bed,’ he said and her tail thumped happily. ‘Unless your little herb garden is more important.’

‘Little herb garden?’ She asked and placed her hands on her hips. ‘Don’t you patronize me,’ she said and he chuckled as she climbed in next to him. ‘Are you feeling a little better? I know I can’t fix it, and I hate that I can’t,’ she told him, getting under the covers. Rolan enveloped her into his arms quickly. He brought her to lay on his chest as he sat back on pillows. He kissed her forehead.

‘I do, thank you. And now, all I want is to hold what is precious to me. I don’t know what will happen in the future, and that is killing me. But for this moment, my pregnant wife is here, and she is safe, and that’s all that I want,’ he told her and placed his face in her hair, his jaw fitting very well in between her horns. She nuzzled into his neck, just relaxing. He was so warm, like a pile of burning charcoal. She loved it.

‘Lia asked me if I know if the baby is a boy or girl again today,’ she said and he laughed loudly.

‘I’ll make her do more homework tomorrow,’ he told her and she laughed, knowing that Rolan can assign Lia to read a million books about the biology of a tiefling pregnancy and she wouldn’t read a single sentence. She was just ready to hold the little bundle.

‘I might just lie to her next time she asks,’ Zelphie said and Rolan laughed again.

‘Don’t you dare, you’ll just create another headache if you are wrong,’ he told her and she smirked.

‘A headache for you, maybe,’ she said and she felt Rolan’s hand on her tail, and he pulled it playfully, making her laugh. ‘I want to know too, I’m so impatient, I cannot wait for our little one to be here,’ she told him and he gave her a little squeeze.

‘I would say I’m the same, but I’m not ready yet. There is still a lot to do,’ he said and sighed. ‘Still so much that I don’t know,’ he said and she laughed.

‘I don’t know if you’ll know everything before they come, darling. Babies are very fickle creatures,’ she said and he huffed.

‘Infuriating,’ he muttered. She lifted her head slowly and smiled at him.

‘Knowing you, I can assure you, any spawn of yours will be incredibly infuriating,’ she said and he scowled.

‘Oh, oh my darling, kettle, pot,’ he said bluntly. Zelphie laughed at his grumpy face. ‘I mean it, you are the most infuriating person I know,’ he said and she continued to laugh, wrinkling her nose. This was fun Rolan, sassy Rolan. He was feeling better. ‘I cannot wait for the headaches your child will give me,’ he said and she howled. ‘Getting into places and business they don’t belong, making a mess of every room in the tower,’ he said and she continued to cackle and he let up and laughed with her. He nuzzled her and sighed out. ‘And I will be so happy.’

#baldur's gate 3 #bg3 #bg3 rolan #holy rolan empire #rolan bg3 #rolan #rolan x tav #bg3 fanfiction #mine

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androgynousblackbox · 7 months ago

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The horror of our love. 1 [Appleradio, Radioapple]

Luci

"By all accounts, it looked to be a normal notebook. It weighted like one, it felt like one. You could even opened it and go through the pages as you would with any other. On the page immediately after the cover there was a seal reading "This journal belong to" with the name Alastor Abaddon first written on the dotted line, then scratched to put instead Alastor Magne.

The actual difference started once you wrote on any of them. If one wanted, they could use any utensils for it, but the words were better received when using a quill and ink. The letters dissapeared in a matter of seconds and soon enough a response would appear right underneath. It didn't had to be a question either. You could write something on the most horrid grammar possible and the words written would mercilessly tell correct you, usually with some insult throw in the mix. If the offending bad grammar continued, the notebook would close by itself and anyone opening it up again would be greeted with another sarcastic remark about the clear lack of literacy going on.

But that would only happen if someone was just fucking around with it, testing it like a new toy and wasting everyone's time, wouldn't it? Absolutely not the thing someone should be doing with something like this. So instead it's mostly used to answer questions. It can't answer everything, and some questions it doesn't want to answer even though probably knows it, but a good deal it can.

Some of those inquiries are easy.

Did you really belonged to person whose name is written on the front?

Yes.

What can you tell me about him?

Anything.

Anything like what?

Sometimes it's not letters that emerges from the pages. Sometimes there are some scribbles. Mainly faces with sharp teeth and smiles that extend far beyond what any real face would allow. That was the answer to the last question. Point taken: you have to be a little more especific than that. It doesn't like it when you are too vague.

The first time that we got it and we realized what it was, after the initial surprise, it asked us who we were. So I wrote it. We were students of professor Magne that went to Hogwarts before it closed. The journal took a while to write back.

A professor?

When those words vanished, others came underneath.

What happened at the school?

I should have throw away that thing the moment that came out. Now is that I see that. The whole point of this is to find out what happened that night, the one right before any student came back to start a new year. There was no witnesses left. All the other teachers, the headmaster, everyone gone. There was so much blood everywhere.

I don't really need to go into too much details about it, do I? It was all over the papers. People still remembered it on each anniversary. People keep making theories about what happened to this day, because that is the thing. Nobody knows what happened. The only thing we do know for sure is that professor Magne was not among the deceased. They found a body that looked like him, chopped into pieces and half eaten like everyone else, but that only lasted as far as the effect of the potion wore off. I had to ask a few favors in order to find that out. No, to make sure that it was exactly what I was thinking of. I am not proud of it. This is exactly the kind of shit we are going to keep off the records if we do decide to go public about this.

Grave digging is not my kind of hobby.

If that motherfucker really did all I know he did, then fuck it. I will do what it takes. If he is dead, then good, I was wrong and I don't have to think about this any more. But if the body that is buried under the headstone with his name doesn't match, then he better be preparing his ass because I am coming for it.

The body that was buried there was too short. The suit that they have put on him for what was supposed to be his resting place was sagging all over it, and not because it had been years since it happened. I remember professor Magne towering all over us even in our final year. That wasn't him. I don't know who that is. Some homeless person, maybe? There was no report of any person missing nearby, none that matched that matched with what we… I found.

That is how all of this started.

He is still out there. Probably doing the same shit he did to all of those people right as I speak. The same shit that he was doing at school even before that night. There was never any other monster who just got hungry and escaped. It's not about proof, not that alone. He needs to be stopped. If there is anything that can help us towards that goal, I will do it. I should have done something when I had my suspicions, because I always knew something wrong with that guy, but I was just some dumb kid back then who had no resources, no connections, nothing. I might still be dumb, but ain't no kid no more. I can move some strings of my own now.

The notebooks was the first one of the pieces that we discovered. When they cleaned up the whole castle, it was discovered among the books in one of the libraries. Everyone just assumed that it was the diary of one of the tragically deceased victims, so they send it to the last relative that professor Magne. Problem is, he didn't had any relative left so it kinda got lost in the system. That gave us a good headache for a while until we found it on a second hand store. The lady that sold it to us said she received it from a friend on the Ministery that needed to get rid of a bunch of old stuf that was just occupying space. She had no idea what it was. She never tried to write on it.

We did. We could have burn it, turn it into ashes, and hope that fucker, wherever he is, can feel every second of those pages being consumed. See if he likes it when he is the one being devoured for once. I still haven't fully rule it out, once we can squeeze anything useful out of it. For now, this is the closest we have to talking to him.

The notebook writes like a well educated kid would have. A kid made it after all. That thought alone is so wrong. Knowing how these things are made makes it so much more messed up. But if I keep concentrating on every single disgusting, horrible, questionable shit I find out about him, then this is just never going to end. More people are going to die and I am just going to be here, hoping my next hangover at least make it easy to forget. So powerthrough this is all I have.

I write that "a monster ate everyone at school one night."

That is the official version at least. It writes back.

A monster? What kind of monster?

I don't know. Nobody saw it. It had to be big though.

After a while, the next words appear.

Do you know Luci?

No. Who is Luci?

It takes a whole minute for it to respond.

Luci is my best friend. If you know where they are, take me with them.

The words vanished just as easy as they came. Of course we researched that. There was no kid whose name could be shortened as Luci on the generation when professor Magne was a student at Hogwarts. Not on his, not on any of the other years, not in the entire school. There were Elizabeths, three Lucious because that name was popular apparently and even one Luz that was two years ahead of him. I couldn't find any immediate evidence that he was close with any of them. I didn't miss either the fact it wasn't telling me any gender.

So I ask it to tell me more about this Luci. I can't really take him to this friend if I don't know the first thing about who they are or what they look like, can I? If he told me that, then maybe we can find them and give them the notebook like Alastor, or this version of Alastor at least, would have wanted.

I could tell you everything, but I don't know if you would like it, appeared on the page. Some people tend to find it upsetting.

I don't mind upsetting, I write back. Sometimes I read horror novels for fun. I have a strong stomach.

You do?

Something about those two simple words makes me read them with the voice of the professor in my head. Using that same gleeful tone he had just before he dropped something horrible onto all of us during class, when neither of us could escape it. I can almost see the gleeful anticipation on his brown eyes as he waits the perfect moment for it.

Yes, I write, because I will take anything I can get. Anthony is reading above my shoulder and my mouth is a bit dry as the quill moves with my hand. Do you have a story for me?

A smiley face is my answer before the notebook closes by itself. Then it opens again, running up to the first page, that ironically we never used when communication with it. We just use whichever we happened to land on. As we see them, entire parragraph start appearing in front of our eyes, as if this thing had all the words at the ready.

I still can hear the voice of that fucker on them."

"Then allow me to start from the beginning, as many stories do. Please, sit back, relax and let me tell you all about how I met the love of my life.

#radioapple #appleradio #duckiedeer #hazbin hotel au #harry potter au #i call it harry potter au but it's just using the setting the plot has nothing to do with harry anything lmao #just an excuse to write monsterfucker Alastor and monster Luci

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amethystandemma · 3 months ago

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Proposal Gone Wrong - Part 1

Evangeline Sallow stood in front of her small closet, wearing only a towel around her body. Her wet pink hair, despite being wrapped in a second towel, still sent droplets onto the hardwood floor. Being a rather clean person, this would normally set her off into a cleaning spree, but this time, she didn’t even notice.

In her hands were two dresses. They were both beautiful dresses, each in their own ways, but all Evangeline could see were the flaws.

The one in her left hand, a pale blue, floor length silk gown, was too formal. It also clashed with Newt’s peacock blue overcoat, which she would undoubtedly be wearing at some point in the evening when she gave even the smallest hint of a shiver.

The dress in her right hand, a yellow sundress that went to her thighs, was too casual and too… girly. Evangeline had nothing wrong with looking girly or sweet, but she wasn’t in the mood for it tonight. She wasn’t in the mood to dress up either, if she was being honest.

If it weren’t for Theseus telling her to, “Dress nice,” she would have just worn her nightgown and stayed in for the night with only Sabrina, her cat, to keep her company.

And Newt, but he had been acting strangely the past few days.

Well, stranger than how he usually acted.

“I really wish Zelma was here,” Evangeline mumbled as she flopped onto her bed, next to Sabrina. The cat opened one green eye at the sudden movement then closed it, a low growl coming from her small black body.

Zelma Silverthorne had been Evangeline’s best friend since before Hogwarts. The two women’s Dads, Sebastian Sallow and Ominis Gaunt, had been best friends since they went to Hogwarts, and regularly threw the two girls together when they were younger while they talked about Quidditch. They had been inseparable ever since, and Zelma had been there for her through thick and thin.

There were countless study nights when the two girls would stay up practicing spells until the sun came up. When Eleazar Sallow, Evangeline’s younger brother was murdered, Zelma was there within an hour to cry with her.

It was weird to not have her there.

Evangeline picked back up the letter she got from Zelma, rereading it to see if she had missed something the other twenty times she read it.

Eva,

Unfortunately, I am unable to come to the townhouse. However, I have full faith in your capabilities to dress yourself for once in your bloody life.

Love,

Just one sentence telling her to dress herself. Zelma didn’t say what she was doing that prevented her from helping her out, just that she wouldn’t be there, which was very unlike her. Ever since they were little girls, she loved playing dress-up and always jumped at the opportunity to choose her friend’s clothes.

Evangeline stroked Sabrina’s short black fur absentmindedly, staring up at her ceiling.

“Alright. Desperate times call for desperate measures.”

Evangeline stood up, picking up the cat with her. Sabrina yelped in surprise then gave another low growl.

“Oh hush,” Evangeline said, tapping the cat’s nose. She held her up in front of the two dresses. “Which one am I wearing?”

Sabrina screamed and growled, squirming in her owner’s arms. The one thing she hated more than being awakened from a nap was being picked up.

“Ugh, fine.” Evangeline set her down, glowering, as the fickle feline cut her finger. “I give you food and a home and this is how you repay me?”

She opened her door to let her out. When she turned back around, a brown owl sat on her windowsill. Evangeline jumped, placing a hand on her quickly beating heart.

Tied onto the owl’s leg was a piece of parchment, a sight that would be unusual to anyone not part of the wizarding world. Muggles communicated with the post, wizards and witches communicated with owls.

Evangeline walked to her window, opening the glass panel. There was a small bag of Eeylops Owl Treats on the windowsill that she reached into, pulling out one of the mouse shaped treats. The owl ate it while Evangeline read the letter.

Eva,

Your cat has terrible fashion sense. Wear the blue one.

Love,

Evangeline crumpled up the letter, rolling her brown eyes.

“You stupid seer,” she muttered.

Part 1 -> Part 2

#newt scamander #newton scamander #evangeline sallow #newt scamander x oc #newt scamander x evangeline sallow #harry potter #harry potter fanfic #fantastic beasts and where to find them #fantastic beasts #fantastic beasts fanfic #fantastic beasts fanfiction

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slythering-snake-boys · 2 years ago

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It's Been Awhile Ch. 6

Characters: Sebastian Sallow x Reader/MC

Series Masterlist

Words: 4741

Warnings: fluff, a little angst, Sebastian being jealous and insecure, some cursing

Taglist: @cloudroomblog

He looked down at you, almost becoming deaf to the excited chatter around him. But your eyes looking at him made his heart stutter and his palms sweat. You looked so sweet beside him like that's where you'd always belonged. Just the way he belonged by yours, supporting and helping you as you wished.

"Would you like to dance with me?" Sebastian asked you with a hopeful smile, pink visibly dusting his cheeks even in the dim light of the candles. He'd been dreaming of this ever since he'd read the reunion letter: asking you to be his partner, seeing you at the top of the stairs coming towards him, dancing with you, holding you as close as possible for as long as he could.

"Of course, I'd be delighted to!" You laughed as if it was the silliest question ever and let yourself be led to the middle of the room under the many candles floating above. One of his hands went to your lower back while the other one picked up your hand, with your free one holding onto his shoulder. After the first few steps, which went off without a hitch, you watched as Sebastian grinned playfully before pulling you flush against his front.

You gasped from the sudden movement before smiling in response, trying to get your feet to move in such a way so you wouldn't step on his. But he didn't seem to care, his grip on you tightening until you finally relaxed and moved with him. The movements seemed like second nature and there was no hesitation in either of your steps. There were smiles on both of your faces as you spun around the dance floor, having eyes for no one else but each other.

Hearing the crescendo of the enchanted instruments, Sebastian only held your hand above your head and spun you around thrice. You laughed before he finally caught you and brought you back into his arms, both of you breathing heavily as the music ceased. The sound of clapping surrounded you as the couples and those on the sidelines applauded everyone who'd just danced.

Sebastian and you looked at one another, heat radiating from both of your bodies as your hearts gradually started calming down. There were ecstatic smiles on both of your faces as you stared into each other's eyes without any regard for anyone else around you. Your chest heaved and he licked his lips with how much he wanted to kiss you right then and there, wanting to take your breath away just for a little bit longer.

"MC, can I-"

"Sebastian!" Turning around, you both saw Ominis moving through all the people now slowly dancing to a calmer tune, his pulsing wand guiding him and his cane clanking against the wooden floor. You watched him curiously as you waited for him to reach you two. "I need to talk with you. It's important." Sebastian looked back at you, almost feeling regret at having to leave you again before he even managed to kiss you. And yet, you only smiled reassuringly.

"Go. Don't worry about it. We'll talk later." You kissed his cheek softly and squeezed his hand that was still holding yours before letting go. You went over to where Anne and the other girls had gathered while he and Ominis went somewhere a little more secluded, away from prying ears.

"What is it, Ominis? Is something wrong?" Sebastian was worried about his best friend, though there was also the smallest bit of impatience laced in his tone, which he tried his best to conceal. He wanted to be near you, feeling as if he didn't have enough air in his lungs whenever you were away from him. Ominis looked nervous and paler than usual, but it might've been because of the lights that night.

"Has Anne told you about...us? About-"

"About the two of you dating for the past 2 years in secret? Yeah, she mentioned it in passing." Ominis groaned and Sebastian laughed, patting him on the shoulder. The blind man deflated a bit and shook his head - he probably thought he'd get decked for liking his best friend's sister and dating her without letting him know.

"Sebastian, I'm sorry, truly. I wanted to tell you, but I just - I didn't know how to tell you and we weren't talking, so-"

"Hey, hey, easy..." Sebastian smiled sympathetically. It was one of the very rare times when Ominis was actually nervously stumbling over his words and it let him know how important Anne was to him. "It's okay. I already had a feeling you two liked one another, ever since we were younger. You two spent a lot of time together, whether you realised it or not." Ominis was quiet, nervously biting his lower lip before lifting his head as if he could look at the freckled man in front of him.

"Are you sure it's okay?"

"I couldn't have thought of anyone better for my sister." Ominis visibly exhaled in relief. Then he took a deep breath in and gulped, face serious. He felt as if his heart was trying to burst from his chest but he still tried to appear calm.

"Then, is it okay...if I ask for your blessing?" Sebastian swore he hadn't heard right. His eyes were wide as he stared at Ominis.

"What?" The shock was evident in his voice and Ominis puffed up his chest and stood tall in an attempt to gain the small bit of confidence needed to push forward. It was finally out in the open; might as well ask what he'd been pondering about ever since he'd started thinking about Anne romantically.

"I want to ask Anne to marry me." Sebastian said nothing, glancing at Anne to see her with you and the other girls, laughing and having a good time. It was almost as if she'd never gotten sick in the first place with how well she was getting along with everyone. He couldn't deny either of them even a shred of the happiness they deserved.

"I'd love nothing more than for you to become my brother-in-law. You have my blessing and I can't wait to see the two of you happy already." Ominis smiled and hugged Sebastian tightly, feeling his best friend pat him on the back encouragingly before pulling back.

"Thank you, Sebastian. I promise I'll try my hardest to make her happy if she'll have me." Sebastian reassured him that she most definitely will, his eyes briefly glancing at her, then at you. You were laughing with Anne and the girls about something, his eyes seeing Imelda clearly blushing. You were probably teasing her about Alexey.

"What about you? Any plans with MC?" Ominis' voice and words brought him back to the present and he turned back to his best friend. Though he couldn't help looking back at you. You were simply there and he couldn't make himself look at anyone else.

"I don't know. I'd love to ask her to be mine again... Hell, I missed her so much I might actually ask her to marry me." Ominis chuckled.

"Knowing you, and her, she'd probably say yes. It doesn't really seem as if you've been away from one another for the past 7 years or so. And from what I've heard from others, you two seem awfully close." Sebastian snorted, playfully elbowing him in the ribs and making his friend chuckle.

"Want a double wedding now, huh?" They both chuckled before going silent, with calm smiles on both of their faces. "I'm trying to get her to be mine again, I really am. But people just get in the way and I can't ask her anything this way. It's like the universe is taunting me." Ominis laughed outright and shook his head with a wide smile.

"About the wedding, I'll have to ask Anne first. After I propose to her. As for MC... I think you're closer than anyone here to getting her to become your girlfriend again. And a wife? Even more so. I'm sure you'll be able to get enough time alone to ask her."

"I really hope so... I mean, she's so...gorgeous, amazing and brave and talented... How could someone NOT try to steal her away?" Sebastian sighed, ruffling his styled hair, uncaring about how it may look. "I didn't even get to kiss her tonight, Ominis! And I was so close, too..." Then his entire mood seemed to drop as he looked at the floor with furrowed brows. "But...what if she won't want to be with me anymore? What if she's scared of me because of what I've done in the past?" Ominis shook his head as he heard him.

"There's no way. You do know she can beat your arse if she wants to, right? She always beat you in duels. And don't tell me you were going easy on her, because we both know that's a blatant lie." Sebastian chuckled and nodded in approval. He always tried his hardest in duels and never held back. Not even against you. But he did like losing to you. "The point is, Sebastian, that she certainly doesn't seem scared of you. Not with how much you two have been around one another since yesterday."

Sebastian nodded, clapping his best friend's shoulder amicably. "You're right, I should just go to her and-"

Just as Sebastian was about to go to you, he saw Theodore Golding approach you as you'd left the girls' side to get something to drink. He immediately hugged you and Sebastian could see your shocked expression turn into a mix of nervousness and half smiles as Theodore kept firing questions your way while his hand kept holding your own. It didn't look like he'd be letting go of yours anytime soon. Jealousy started taking hold of Sebastian. He always hated when others would look at you like that. Like you were supposed to be theirs, almost like a trophy.

"Bastard..." He hissed, making Ominis look at him questioningly. Sebastian had been fine up until then and now there was clear venom in his voice.

"What's wrong?"

"It's that prat, Theodore Golding. He's prowling and sniffing around MC like a dog in heat." Sebastian hadn't felt this sort of jealousy until he'd met you and for no one else after you. Merlin, he hated how easily jealous he'd get. But you were special to him. He couldn't control that damned green-eyed monster even if he wanted.

You were immensely popular even back in fifth-year, seeing and hearing guys and girls alike praising you and complimenting you. He'd fight off his jealousy whenever he saw another person come up to you to request they talk alone with you about something important, whether it was before, during or after your relationship with him. You always left only a few seconds later, appearing nervous, but relieved, followed by another dejected-looking nobody who'd confessed to you and been shot down.

After you stopped hanging out together due to his...poor choices... A lot of people saw your break-up with the freckled Slytherin as an opportunity for them to be seen with the Hero of Hogwarts, especially as your lover. You always rejected whoever confessed to you, much to Sebastian's joy. But Theodore hadn't been deterred by your relationship with Sebastian, your other admirers or your rejection. You had told Sebastian once, while you were still together, that Theodore had told you he'd try until he succeeded or died trying.

"Then let him die" Sebastian had simply answered at that time, making you laugh and hit his bicep playfully, telling him to stop being mean. He still remembered when you had rejected Theodore back in your fifth-year. Then the sixth. Then the seventh. He wondered how many others were just like Theodore: undeterred and willing to keep trying to ask you out in hopes of wearing you down and making you accept. The mere idea made his blood boil and his fists clench.

"What are you going to do about it?" Ominis asked him, bringing him back to the present. Sebastian gritted his teeth, nostrils flaring when he saw Theodore place a kiss on your knuckles before he let go and went back to his friends. Natty, Poppy and Anne came over and worriedly asked you something each before starting to talk animatedly, the awkward air surrounding you dissipating in seconds as they tried to keep you from being accosted by other potential suitors. That's one of the reasons why you'd stayed with them whenever you weren't with Sebastian or Ominis.

"Nothing. What can I really do, actually? I can't do a damn thing about it, that's the truth. We're not together anymore. I can't just go and deck Theodore or any of the others in the face, as much as I'd love to." Sebastian grumbled and glared at Theodore, who seemed oblivious to his glare as he kept glancing at you, along with his friends.

"Don't you want to be with MC again, Sebastian? You've been talking about this since yesterday. What's with the sudden change in attitude towards getting her back? Thought you'd stop at nothing to get what you wanted?"

"Don't be daft, of course I do. I've wanted to be with her since I first duelled her in Defence Against the Dark Arts and helped her sneak into the Restricted Section 7 years ago. Not to mention that troll attack in Hogsmeade." His voice was low as he glanced at you again before he looked down into his half-empty cup. He felt conflicted about his next course of action. Was Sebastian asking you out a bad idea? Was it too soon? Did he even stand a chance? Against all those who wanted you as well? Who still wanted you?

"But what if she doesn't want me anymore? What if I'm still not good enough for her? Guys like Theodore Golding are everything she deserves: someone with money, a respectable job, a good family... He could lavish her with gold and buy her the finest clothes and jewellery. Plus, he most probably never killed anyone." Sebastian's eyebrows furrowed and the insecurity in his voice was almost palpable to Ominis. His best friend frowned.

He couldn't lie about it - he felt bad about Sebastian and you. You two seemed to balance each other out as well as hype one another when needed. You were literally trying to bring the best out of each other and do what you thought was best for each other and those you knew. So to know his best friend was so anxious and upset by the prospect of not being able to make you happy was almost heartbreaking. But he decided to be the voice of reason and make Sebastian understand that you two were made for each other - a fact he was certain of.

"And how do you know that's what she wants, Sebastian?"

"Huh?" He looked up, Ominis' hazy blue eyes staring directly at him, almost as if he could see Sebastian.

"The Goldings are purebloods and an old family. That's not necessarily something bad because there are many purebloods who are more than decent people. But the Goldings are just a little less stricter than my family. Theodore might be more open-minded, sure, but his family isn't. And they certainly don't think anything good about others, whether they're Muggles, Muggle-borns, half-bloods, goblins or even beasts. So how do you think they would react to finding out their oldest son is dating a witch who's also working on improving relations with goblinkind, whom they despise and consider inferior?" Sebastian was quiet, looking at the bit of punch on the bottom of his cup before glancing at you and then at Theodore.

"You should ask her what she wants instead of assuming." Ominis added before smiling at him. "She never was the type to want fine clothes or jewellery. Or anything insanely expensive, for that matter. She was just happy to have some Butterbeer, toffees and a Niffler or any other beast nearby after a day of beating up a bunch of poachers and Ashwinders. Remember?"

Sebastian hummed and sighed with a smile, agreeing with Ominis. The memories of you laughing as you were being ambushed by all the beasts you'd rescued, munching on Honeydukes sweets while studying, enjoying a Butterbeer after a challenging class or a successful trial given by the Keepers... He fell in love with you with each passing day and everything you did.

Still, the doubts were clouding his mind and he felt his emotions slowly starting to get the better of him. Before he could reply to Ominis' words, Imelda suddenly leaned against the wall, flanking his other side and startling him. He glanced at her before downing the remaining bit of his drink. He audibly huffed and frowned, not ready to deal with Imelda and her knowing, smug smirk.

"What is it, Reyes? Came to make fun of me or something? Cause I'm not in the mood right now. Go back to your husband and pester him like Merlin intended to." It felt weird to put Imelda's name and the word husband in the same sentence. Imelda smirked and he was ready to roll his eyes, but he only felt a brief, sharp pain on the back of his head. "Ouch! What the hell?!" He turned to look down at her, seeing her right hand up in the air. She may have been shorter than him, but she was certainly strong.

"Just came to see if you're done sulking, Sallow. Are you gonna try getting MC back before any of those hungry wolves try to get to her first?" He scoffed at her words and looked away, though his eyes couldn't help glancing at you. You were the most beautiful there that night. You always were in his eyes. He wanted you so badly that his heart ached. "I heard Prewett was also among them~" She almost sang and Sebastian choked on air and started coughing, Ominis' hand hitting the back of his neck. Once he was better, Sebastian scowled at her, though he was growing angrier the more he watched her smirk.

"What's it to you, Imelda? Aside from watching the drama." She hummed and smiled, though there was a serious look in her eyes that made Sebastian bristle. She was like a mother bear and you were her cub. He didn't want to know how she'd be if she ever had kids and someone dared to mess with them.

"MC is my friend. I know that none of these losers wants to actually be with her. They only want her as arm candy." Sebastian's jaw clenched, his grip on his cup tightening. "And I also know that she's been glancing at you every few moments while you were sobbing like a little bitch in the corner." He looked up at her before looking at you. You had a small smile as you watched your friends laugh and talk, standing closer to Anne, as if you were trying to protect her from whatever might come her way - it made his heart soar. You didn't really seem to be paying attention to them or their words, though - at least not entirely.

"I know she's a hopeless romantic. Especially for you, ugh, though I still can't understand what she sees in you," she scoffed in mock disgust and Sebastian glared at her, "but I told her to settle for someone else if you won't make a move tonight." Sebastian glowered at her as fiercely as he did whenever he was in an intense duel. She smiled and raised an eyebrow, clearly unimpressed. "Up for the challenge, Sallow? Or shall I tell Prewett and the others waiting in line that it's free real estate?" With a quiet growl, he pushed himself from the wall at the same time he slammed his cup on the closest wooden surface, spilling the juice from other cups nearby on the table. Then he left the now quieter Great Hall, everyone's eyes on his squared shoulders and tense body as he stomped away. Including yours.

"Way to go, Imelda." Ominis rolled his eyes before pointing his wand at the juice to clean it up, having heard a few people groan about the stains it would leave on the tablecloth.

"Oh, shut it. I know exactly what I did. You may not see, but MC just ran after him." She laughed, sounding just the slightest bit evil. "I hear wedding bells~" Ominis sighed, rubbing his forehead. He could feel a headache incoming. But he hoped Imelda was right.

"Stupid...fucking...googly-eyed motherf-"

"Sebastian? Where are you going? Are you all right?" He stopped grumbling to himself, not turning around to look at you. He couldn't or he'd kiss you like there was no tomorrow and embarrass you for sure, just to show Leander, Theodore and everyone else that you were only his.

"I'm fine...but I'm tired and not feeling like myself right now. So I'm going back to the common room to sleep it off. I had fun, MC... Thanks for indulging me tonight and for bringing Anne. For helping her. I shan't forget this." He sighed, rubbing his forehead before huffing loudly while you watched him worriedly, not knowing how to approach him without making things worse. "Good night, MC. See you in the morning." His voice was deadpanned, but he was angry and frustrated at the gaggle of suitors, how you were making his blood rush through his veins with your concern and how much he wanted you at that moment. The brunette felt as if the universe was taunting him - he was so close to you, but there was always something or someone getting in the way.

He started walking away, eyes dark and jaw clenched. He had to get away before he stormed back in there and punched each one of those idiots who were trying to get you.

"W-Wait! Sebastian!" He heard your footsteps coming closer and faster until you stopped behind him, almost bumping into his broad back the moment he stopped walking. You watched his back rise and fall with every quick breath, as if he was trying to keep himself calm and in check. "Did something happen? Did I do something to upset you?" He shook his head vehemently and you felt your chest get a little lighter. Though you were still anxious and unwilling to let him leave just like that.

"You know you can talk to me...right?" Your quiet, worried voice barely reverberated in the empty hallway and Sebastian gulped. "I still care about you, Sebastian. I always will. Don't forget that." His shoulders were still tense and he breathed heavily in and out, his fists clenching and unclenching. You deserved better. Not Leander fucking Prewett. He was an idiot who wasn't even worth your glance - but someone better. Better than Sebastian.

"I can't fucking do this... I have to get out of here..." His voice was quiet and his words were exasperated and full of frustration. "I'm not myself right now, I'm sorry." He shook his head and started walking away once more in long strides. Your shock only lasted for a second before you chased after him again, heels noisily clacking against the stone floor while you held your dress so you wouldn't trip on it. This time, you ended up grabbing one of his elbows to stop him. You almost thought you saw his younger self as he left you behind the day you broke up. You didn't want a repeat of it. You wouldn't be able to bear it again.

"Sebastian, please, stop running away! Don't do this to yourself again! I can't..." You felt your eyes filling up with tears, despair filling your heart and knots making your stomach tense as you sniffled. "I can't lose you again... P-Please...don't leave..." You heard him breathe in sharply before he turned around, his eyes looking at you to see your teary eyes before he was pulling you into his strong arms. You embraced him without a second thought, grasping onto his back tightly.

"I won't leave you and you won't lose me either... I love you, MC... I never stopped. I couldn't. You've been the one since you beat my arse in Defence Against the Dark Arts..." He heard your warbled chuckle and allowed his hand to go into your styled hair, pulling you even closer. He closed his eyes as he pressed a kiss to the side of your head, sensing your perfume and feeling your warmth. He couldn't think about anything or anyone else at that moment. Only you.

"I can't bear the thought of seeing you with the likes of Theodore Golding or, Merlin forbid, Leander fuckin' Prewett." You chuckled a little louder in amusement, feeling the smile in his response just by his voice and tone alone. "Please, give me another chance. Just one. And if I mess up, you can use every spell I've ever taught you on me and I won't fight it." You nodded your head with a brief laugh, going as much as you could on your tiptoes to hug him even tighter. He responded in kind, smiling and feeling all his anger gradually leaving him as he bent down so you'd hug him comfortably.

"I love you, Seb... I always will... No one else could ever take your place in my heart." You both smiled as you pulled back just a little, the joy visible on both of your faces. He grinned at the nickname, seeing that sweet smile he loved before he wiped your cheeks of the tears left behind. Then he looked down at your lips, beautiful and beckoning him as one of his thumbs moved to them, barely swiping over your bottom one. You seemed to read his mind because you put one of your fingers against his lips. "Let's save this for upstairs... I'll want more than just one kiss..." The brunette grinned before kissing your finger, pulling your hand away and pressing it right above his heart which was thudding rapidly.

"And I'll give you plenty more, that's a promise. But first..." With a quick glance backwards, Sebastian saw the two of you had attracted quite an audience, including the two men who had apparently thought of trying their luck with you. With an almost evil grin, the freckled man you loved held you tightly and suddenly leaned you backwards. There was a squeak of surprise as your eyes went wide and your hands held onto him for dear life while you looked into his beautiful, dark brown eyes. With a wink, his lips slotted against yours, putting all of his jealousy and anger into it - just to show all those watching that they'd never have you and to show you that he was the one for you.

Once the initial shock wore off, you kissed him back, holding onto the hair at the back of his head and the bicep of his arm that pressed against your back to keep you from falling. You could feel him smile widely as he kissed you more intensely and you couldn't help the smile blooming on your lips. There were gasps and even whistles coming from the crowd. Sebastian distinctly thought he heard Garreth yell Go, Sallow!, but except for a twitch of his mouth, there was nothing to indicate he'd heard him.

The kiss that started so suddenly and intensely ended softly, his lips slowly separating from yours. He pulled you back up, holding you tightly as he pecked your lips one more time before looking over your head at the crowd with a triumphant smile. You didn't dare turn back, feeling how hot your face had become as you buried yourself deeper into his arms that were around you. You could already imagine the teasing in the morning from the girls.

"Find yourself another girl, Golding - she's mine! You too, Leander!" Sebastian smirked as if he'd won his toughest duel ever. The two men in question looked away, blushing as others started looking at them and gossiping. With a smug grin aimed at Imelda, who was smirking back, Sebastian picked you up bridal style before he used the nearest Floo Network to get you to the Room of Requirement directly.

#bomi's stuff #iba series #sebastian sallow #sebastian sallow x mc #sebastian sallow x you #sebastian sallow x reader #hogwarts legacy #hogwarts legacy x mc #hogwarts legacy x you #hogwarts legacy x reader

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specialagentlokitty · 2 years ago

Text

Thomas Barrow x Male!reader - love to hate you, hate to love you

Part 5:

You walked over and you both walked off to the side while Thomas stood there with a smirk on his face, hands clasped behind his back.

“It’s medicine my lord, to try aid the rapid destruction of my eye sight in my right eye, sent over by a good friend of mine.”

“How strange, I’ve never heard such thing.”

“We are not sure if it’ll work to be honest, back home we rely on traditional medicines you see, passed down from generation to generation. Though we have never needed to try such a thing as thing.”

“I see, well I hope it works for you.”

He handed the bottle over and you smiled, slipping it into your pocket.

“Thank you my lord.”

With that, you walked away, smirking a little at Thomas who’s smirk had fallen.

Making your way upstairs, you put it back where it belonged and a moment later your door opened and closed.

“Brave of you to lie to his lordship.” Thomas said.

“There was no lie Thomas, it is for medical use.”

“Then why hide it away.”

“Because it is not for medical use for the likes of you.”

Standing up, you looked at Thomas, tilting your head up a little bit.

“I warned you not to make an enemy of me Thomas barrow.” You said lowly.

“And what will you do about it?” He smirked.

Storming over, you grabbed his liveries and slammed him into the wall, glaring at him harshly.

Thomas saw dark intent in your eyes, something he had never seen in anyone’s eyes before, not even in the trenches during the war.

This was different.

Enough to make a shiver go down his spine, and his smirk slowly fell from his face as your eyes bore into his.

Your eyes were dangerous.

The usual steel, cold, emotionless (E/C) orbs now stormy, dark, almost murderous.

“You do not want to be on the wrong side of me…” you whispered.

Thomas swallowed nervously, and said nothing.

You leant next to his ear.

“Believe me now Thomas barrow… it never ended well for those on the wrong side of me.. never…”

“What did you do…?” He whispered back.

You pulled away, and the ghost of a smirk flickered on your face.

“Let’s just say, the lunatic asylum is not a nice place but makes a safe shelter….”

You let him go, and Thomas smoothed a hand down his clothes, and fixed his hair.

“How intriguing a person you really are.” He said.

“What’s makes you say that?”

“You have secrets, dark secrets. And I am going to find them out.”

“I wish you luck, you won’t find out a single thing. There’s things that hide in plain sight, and others that hide in the darkest depths of the underworld, or hell, as you call it.”

“And you just gave me my first clue.”

“What? That I am half Greek? I though that was common knowledge.”

Thomas frowned a little and you smirked even more.

“You have nothing on me and you know it.”

“I believe I may have something on you.” He said.

“Oh, care to share?”

“No.”

Thomas smirked at you and walked away and you rolled your eyes, making sure everything was hidden you went downstairs.

“You’re awake early.” Anna said.

“That’s because I haven’t slept.”

“Oh dear please go sleep.” Mrs Hughes sighed.

You waved your hand and sat down at the table, lighting a cigarette.

“It’s fine, I’ll sleep tomorrow after my shift. Is there any post Alfred?”

“Oh yes, this letter arrived for you.”

He held it out to you and you took it, opening it you carefully read the words.

“What kind of writing is that, goodness gracious that looks like some sort of code.” Mr Carson asked.

You stood up and sat back down when he did, and you looked up from your letter.

“Maybe Mr (L/N) is a spy.” Thomas mused.

“Maybe I ought to knock your head against the table a few times Mr Barrow. I’m not a spy, it’s Ancient Greek. We learn to write it within our first year at home.”

Everything nodded and you turned back to reading your letter.

‘I’m sure you are aware of the troubles going on at the moment, but we would still appreciate it if you could come and discuss everything with us. We have reason to believe this is bigger than anyone thinks, though the oracle has yet to let us know. If you do please come back as soon as you can, even if only for an hour, I should like to see you again (Y/N).’

You set the letter down and took a sip of your tea and you turned to Mr Carson.

“Is Henry asleep?”

“I believe so sir, yes.”

Nodding, you stood up and left the table, making your way upstairs you knocked on the door and walked in.

“Henry I hate to disturb you but I need to speak with you.”

He sat up and rubbed his head.

“Of course sir.”

“I need to leave at once, I should be back for tonight but if not I need you to take charge, I will alert his lordship.”

“Yes sir, but is everything alright?”

“Just some things to sort is all, go back to sleep.”

Leaving, you closed the door and then made your way upstairs to find Lord Grantham, and you found him in the tea room.

“My lord, May I have a word?” You asked.

He set his paper down.

“Of course (L/N), what is it?”

“I need to leave for a few hours, for family reason, I should be back tonight but if not Henry said he would take charge.”

“Yes of course you can go, is everything alright?”

“I believe so my lord, I’d should just like to check.”

“Of course, go head.” He smiled.

“Thank you my lord.”

You left and quickly made your way back down the stairs, taking a shortcut through the shadows you emerged from your office and walked back into the servants hall.

“Mr Carson, Im going away, Henry will be in charge until my return.”

“Very well, thank you for telling me.”

You nodded your head and picked up your letter from the table and pocketed it, and made your way back to your room.

You changed into a normal suit, and put the gold coin from under your floorboard in to your pocket and you left, making your way out of the door.

You began down the path, and when you were sure it was safe you jogged into the woods and jumped through the shadows, breaking through the trees.

“I was beginning to wonder if you were going to come.”

You smiled and walked over, and the centaur reached down to hug you back.

“I only just received your letter Chiron, honestly you must send Hermes I’ll get them much sooner.”

“I’ll remember that, come we must speak immediately.”

He led you through the camp, past the cabins and people stopped to watch you walk by.

You were taken up the the big house and into a room, and you sat down on a chair.

“Just us?”

“Afraid so, it was a rather rushed choice I made to bring you here.”

You nodded your head and Chiron sighed, showing you the map of the world in front of you.

Standing up, you looked at it with a frown.

“More and more monster are appearing, we have managed them the best we can, but nobody knows what’s going on.”

You sighed.

“My father came to me and explained to me what was going on. They’re leaking out of the underworld somehow, so not only do we have the monsters already here to deal with, but even if we kill them they won’t stay dead for long.”

“Does he know why?”

“No, he’s looking into it, we aren’t quite sure what they are looking for.”

Chiron looked at you, and he pointed to a spot on the map.

“They’re looking for something in this area.”

“Europe?”

“We’re not sure what, but whatever it is, it’s there.”

You nodded your head and stepped away from the table, pacing back and forth.

“What will we do?”

“I fear there is only choice (Y/N), and you know exactly what that is.”

“Chiron we can’t.”

He sighed and gestured for you to following him, so you did, and he took you to the training ground to watch clueless younger members training.

“They are not ready for what is to come.”

“I know Chiron, but they are still children.”

“You were once a child too.” He said.

“I was never a child and you know this.”

“No, you were. A young happy boy, with all the love in the world.”

You glanced at Chiron.

“The world has changed me Chiron, I do not wish the same fate for them as well. Let them be happy for as long as they can, raise their training, turn it into games if you must but keep them as far away from this as you possibly can.”

“Do you think it’s best if they don’t know?” He asked.

“No…”

You sighed and pinched the bridge of your nose.

“I don’t know, just give me a few days to think this over, I’ll come back and tell you what I’ve thought of.”

“I’ll do the same, we’ll compare ideas and see what we can do. Must you leave?”

You looked at your pocket watch.

“Yes, it’s already day and I must somehow sneak back in. Thank you.”

Chiron nodded and with one more hug, you ran back into the dark forest, and you appeared in your room and you rushed downstairs.

“Mr (L/N)? You’re back?” Jimmy asked.

“Yes, i went straight up. Henry, I’m glad you’re still awake. Please run charge again tonight and then you can have the next two nights off.”

“Yes sir, is everything alright?”

“Yes, yes. I just need to catch up on some things, please no one disturb me until tomorrow evening.”

With that you left and when you were in your room again you changed into your sleep clothes.

Sitting at the desk in your room, you took a pen and you tapped the table with your finger.

You tried to wrack your brain for anything but nothing would come to you, so you set the pen down again and got into bed.

You were exhausted, and running on little sleep you couldn’t think much.

So you tried to catch up on the sleep you had missed.

Except the usual dreamless sleeps were plagued with nightmares you couldn’t seem to wake up from.

Thomas had waited until the end of the evening, and when everyone else was in their rooms, and checked the hallway and crept over to yours, quietly opening and closing the door.

He walked over to you and looked at you, and he reached out.

Except before he could any closer, you shot up taking a deep breath, eyes wide as you grabbed his wrist.

“Someone had an intense dream.” He said.

You breathed out deeply, and turned your head in his direction.

You opened your mouth but you couldn’t speak.

Thomas reached up with his other hand and placed it on the side of your face, and he ducked down, carefully pressing his lips to yours.

He pulled away and looked at you, and you stood up.

Thomas looked at you, and you looked back at him.

Reaching up, you grabbed his sleep shirt and pulled him forward, crashing your lips on to his and Thomas tangled his hands into your hair.

You pulled away breathless and looked at him.

“Never speak of this.” You warned.

“I wouldn’t dare.” He whispered.

Thomas leant forward and you placed a finger on his forehead, pushing him back.

“What..?”

You placed a finger on your lips and listened carefully.

Walking over to the door, you stood there for a moment before gesturing for him to come over and he did.

“Go someone’s coming up.”

“You don’t know that.”

“Thomas!” You hissed.

You opened your door and peaked your head out, and you leant back in.

You leant forward and brushed your lips against his and pulled away.

“Don’t be getting the wrong idea… we’re still not friends…”

“We don’t have to be friends.” He smirked.

With that he rushed back to his own door and you closed yours, just as you did the landing door was opened.

“Mr Barrow?” Markus asked.

“Thought I heard something, must have been you coming up.”

With that he closed his door and sat on his bed confused as ever but he grinned a little to himself as he picked up his book feel proud of himself

#Downton abbey #downton abbey x reader #downton abbey x you #Downton abbey imagine #thomas barrow #thomas barrow x you #thomas barrow x reader #thomas Barrow imagine

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amandacanwrite · 1 year ago

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Mourning Glories ☼ The Hallowed Wilds ☼ Chapter Six

POV ;; Ezra ☽ 10 y.o.

Summary ;; Ezra goes into the forests again and meets Aurelia. She issues him a warning.

Warnings ;; Just a warning that this chapter includes a description of a corpse that some people might find unnerving or upsetting even though there is no gore described. Please do what is best for you when it comes to this reading chapter.

Author Note ;; I am someone who doesn't get triggered by much, but it's very important to me that anyone who reads my work doesn't become inadvertently triggered because of my writing. While these early chapters are quite light, this story does get dark at times. If you ever notice something I should have issued a content or trigger warning for, please reach out to me so that I can properly apologize to you and add the warning to the list. That all said, let's hop in!!

A week after our birthday something horrible happened.

It was a gloomy day when I left Dewsbury, carrying in my arms some wood and rope to do more work on our secret hideout. When I arrived, Aurelia was already there. Usually, this would have pleased me, but this day something was wrong.

She looked paler than usual, her face drained of the color that usually dusted her cheeks and made her look like a doll. I felt itchy under my collar, and sick to my stomach… like I’d gotten in trouble for something.

“What’s the matter?” I asked.

“I have to show you something,” she said. “I don’t want to, but The Wilds keep telling me that I have to show you.”

I set down my things on the floor of the makeshift house.

“Okay,” I said.

I was nervous and scared. But I knew Aurelia had to listen to the forest or she would feel sick. I didn’t want to make her feel worse by showing how afraid I was, or make her think that I was worried because of her.

I held my hand out for her and she took it, leading me out of our hideout and into the forest. We walked for what felt like a long time, but this was not the usual excitement we traveled with. There was a sort of solemnity to it, and the longer we walked the more itchy I felt under my collar.

After a while she brought me to a corner of the forest that was covered in thick carpets of morning glory as far as the eye could see. I was dazzled by them even though I knew Mama hated them in her garden. I’d seen pink, purple and blue ones in our vegetable garden at home, but never ones like these.

In The Wilds the blossoms were black with stripes of crimson through the silken petals.

“It’s amazing,” I said.

“This isn’t what I’m showing you,” she said as she led me through the blossoms. Vines snaked out of our way as we walked.

My brow tightened as she led me to a section of the flowers where the vines all slithered away leaving something in their wake. As we stepped closer and I finally laid eyes on what she had led me to, horror chilled me to my core.

It was a corpse.

I’d seen dead people before—my Ma’s Pa who lived really far away died and we went to see him before they buried him. He looked like he was sleeping. I even half expected him to toss and turn or start snoring. He’d looked peaceful and rested.

The corpse didn’t look like that.

An expression of fear was frozen on his face. His eyes wide in terror, mouth agape like he’d died choking. Judging by the red and purple bruising around his neck, he probably had.

I didn’t recognize him from the village, which was something I was grateful for. He was wearing a sweat-stained white shirt and some worn out denim pants. His belt had a pick-axe and a rocker attached to it.

He was a gold miner.

The gold up here had long been exhausted. Pa said we hadn’t had much to begin with, but other places out west were better to look at when it came to prospecting. Ma had an old friend from primary school whose husband struck rich out there, she would always get all mad about it when she got a letter in the post from her.

“Too much, if you ask me,” Mama always said. “People ought to be happy with enough to put a roof over their head, feed their family and enjoy a few comforts in life. Who cares how many horses she can keep now? Why would you even need so many?”

This man didn’t look especially greedy. He looked poor.

He did have a big red nose like the drunks in town, though.

“He’s a miner,” I said, unable to tear my eyes from the cold greyness of his body.

“What’s that?” Aurelia said.

“Miners go into the mountains and find expensive metals and gems like gold and emeralds and rubies. They take them and sell them for money—that stuff I told you about that we trade for food and clothes and such.”

“Oh.”

“We ought to bury him. Everybody deserves the dignity of a proper grave.”

“But he’s a thief!”

My gaze snapped to hers and anger roiled in my belly.

I think I was shocked to hear her talk so carelessly about a stranger. There wasn’t one iota of compassion in her for the poor old fool.

“So what?!” I shouted. “Ain’t you ever done something bad before? Even on accident? This man was maybe a drunk, but he probably didn’t even know about The Wilds. And the forest choked him to death anyway. Ain’t it punishment enough to die alone and afraid?”

The little witch flinched at my shouting and I shook my head, still too angry to feel guilty about it. I reached for his pick axe on his belt to start working on carving out a shallow grave for the man. I wished I had a shovel, it felt wrong to touch this man or his belongings

Luckily, I didn’t have to dig a grave, after all.

As if the forest heard me, the earth beneath the stranger started to shift and open. It started to sink below him, lowering him down and down and down. When The Wilds were finished, the grave was nearly as deep as the one they put Gramps in. It wasn’t a perfectly semetrical rectangle like that one, more like a sinkhole, but it was better than anything I would have been able to do with a little worn out pick axe.

The hole didn’t fill at first and wondered why it hadn’t. An old memory flashed in my mind—something my Ma did at Gramps’ funeral.

I picked up a hand full of wet dirt and threw it on top of the man’s body.

“Ashes to ashes, dust to dust,” I said.

And then the hole filled itself. Soft, loose soil rolling over the corpse like the currents in a river. The morning glories once again covered the patch of open ground carpet.

I was ready to leave and go back home after what I’d seen. Curl up in bed and cry and sleep. I turned to do just that.

“Ezra, wait,” Aurelia said.

I turned to look at her and found her still staring at the winding vines of macabre flowers, I followed her gaze and balked.

The vines tangled together in a thick rope of flowering greenery, branching out at a bit from the top and forming a cross where the man’s head had previously been. A grave marker belonging to a God that was no where near this forest.

“How did you…do that?” She asked me.

I looked at her and shook my head. “I didn’t do anything.”

“The forest listened to you, it bent to your will. Like it does for me.”

“I’m not like you.” I seethed.

It came out angrier than I’d intended but…

I didn’t like that she didn’t care about this stranger. I didn’t like that a man just trying to feed himself was seen as a villain and a crook here. Is that how she’d seen me when I first came? Like some rotten thief?

Maybe the people in the village were right. Maybe her sisters were too. Maybe we were too different to co-exist, maybe she was too odd and maybe I was too soft. For once, when I looked at her I saw a stranger—a frightening thing. Like a milky white spider—she just felt wrong to me.

The silence yawned between us as I stared at her.

I turned and left.

“Ezra,” Aurelia said behind me.

I ignored her. I wanted out of this forest for today. Maybe for forever.

“Ezra!” She shouted.

I left her there at the grave of the man she thought deserved to die.

☼☼☼☼☼☼☼☼☼☼☼☼☼☼☼☼☼☼☼☼☼☼☼☼☼☼☼☼☼☼☼☼☼

@eldritchx

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#writing community #writing #authors #my writing #writers on tumblr #book quotes #pirate book #romantasy #historical fantasy #writeblr #the hallowed wilds #chapter 6 #my wrtitng #writing update #fanfic writing #fic writing #snippet

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gonnachasethestars · 1 year ago

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Readmored for length, tw for injury, and tw for emotional abuse from family. If there's anything else I need to tag let me know and I will!

Why was climbing up a trellis such a chore? A person would think after all the times the tanuki had done it, things would get easier. But he was still panting, as he climbed through the window in the hallway of the second floor. His little brother came out of his room, likely with the intention of going downstairs to do the final cleanup for the night. It had been Kounosuke's turn, but there were photographs to be taken.

As usual, he'd asked his little brother to lie for him.

"You really should lose weight if you want to climb up mom's trellis." Spoke Yukiharu, who was just getting ready for cleanup.

"I'm not fat. I'm just a liiiiiittle bit chubby." Kounosuke had more important things on his mind right now. "You're not gonna tell them I was gone, are you?"

The smaller tanuki shook his head, as a no. That put a smile on Kounosuke's face, as he hugged the little guy. That was when he went off to his room, to settle down for the night. To look over his photographs. He had a contest to win, and a scholarship to earn. Curious, he looks over what's in his camera, compared to what he had printed.

Nothing really special. The thought came in his mind to give up, but he had to tell himself to stick with something, even if he didn't have a natural talent for it.

He caught a glimpse of himself in his mirror while placing the pictures back on the desk. Well. Plenty of men were into fat guys, right?

Glancing through the magazine, photographs were studied. They were all so... good. Kounosuke felt as though his angles were off, or his shots were boring. Who needed twenty photographs of the same beetle? To be sure he didn't miss the deadline, he checked the date, which he hadn't done before.

...It couldn't be right.

Setting the magazine down, Kounosuke prepares to go to the bathroom to wash his glasses off. Clearly, they were dirty, and causing him to see things the wrong way. But before he could reach it, an ear twitched. He could hear his parents arguing all the way up here. What was it this time?

"Where is he this time? He's supposed to be cleaning down here." His mother always did have a demanding voice.

"How should I know? Let him be a kid." Said his father. "I was the same way at his age."

His mother sighed, and shook her head. "He's going to be living with his little brother all his life if he doesn't learn responsibility! What if he's a lost cause?"

Though Kounosuke was only listening, he could still almost hear his father's anger.

"Like I was?" Said Mr. Kuri. "How can we expect Kounosuke not to be a fuck up like me?"

That was where Kounosuke stopped listening. Everything hurt. What was he supposed to think, when those who claimed to love him unconditionally didn't feel that way at all? Quietly walking back to his room, his arm is to his face. Yeah, he was alone. No one could see him crying his eyes out.

He knew they were right. He was useless. If he stayed here, he'd be sponging off of Yukiharu the rest of his life.

For a short time, he buries his face in a pillow. He didn't want anyone to hear, in spite of his silence, that he couldn't stop crying. He knew his friends thought he was a failure, but he'd never heard that kind of treatment from his parents. Not to this extent. He knew his father cared way more about watching sports than spending time with him. He knew his mother always got on him about watching the shop.

But nothing like this.

No. He refused.

Though the tears continued to pour, he got up, and through blurry vision, began packing a bag. He refused to spend the rest of his life that way. Even if it took him a long time to get back on his feet, he'd prove to them he could do something. Maybe someday he'd write them a letter. If they even cared enough to read it.

He'd be just fine on his own. He could start with something simple. Waiter or dishwasher. Maybe both. He didn't care if he had to work three jobs, he'd find an apartment. He'd get out of this village, and he'd make something of himself. He'd be someone. Not the repair man's fat loser of a son.

Bag packed, it's soon on his back, and he's prepared. Just enough money for a bus ticket to Kazenari, and a train ticket to the next city over. No one would ever think to look for him there, assuming anybody even noticed he was gone. There was no way he could make anyone happy, at least, not as he was now.

Sliding out into the night air, he's finally calmed his breathing. The tanuki begins climbing down the trellis, soon...

S N A P !

Maybe he had put a couple pounds on over the summer. The trellis snapped under his weight. Upon landing, he couldn't even breathe. He'd just fallen, having landed on his right foot on impact. It hurt like hell, and there he was, crying again. Moments pass, until he can finally breathe again. Then, he forces himself to his feet, to discover how it felt to put weight on that foot.

It was like stepping on glass. God damn it.

His little brother must have heard it, the only one nearby, finishing up the end of night shop cleaning. Due to the night, hopefully Yukiharu couldn't see him crying. He didn't want his little brother's last memories of him to be him bawling.

"Promise me you won't tell anyone." Kounosuke said.

His little brother nodded, and Kounosuke pulled him into a hug.

"I love you, lil' bro. I know I don't say it enough but... yeah."

Yukiharu began walking back towards the shop. God it hurt to walk, but he pushed through the pain, and eventually, he even stopped crying. The sadness, and pain turned into a fire. Determination to make something of himself.

To be somebody.

#save #drabble #[it's the same night so ifdhs I had to write my take on it BT]#v; maybe not just a fat loser #emotional abuse tw #injury tw #ask to tag

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jodilin65 · 6 years ago

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FRIDAY, AUGUST 31, 2018 For one who slept 10 hours, I sure am dragging today with very little energy. I had a dream I was watching a Forensics episode about bringing down a corrupt cop. An aerial view of the pig on a freeway showed a banner streaming from his vehicle that read: You’ve Got Smalls, which was his smug, cocky and confident way of saying that the person trying to take him down had balls. The show went on to say that his ex-wife had accused him of being abusive.

Then I was on a beach somewhere watching this couple floating this strange little toy boat with an equally strange sea creature of some kind swimming about. Not sure if it was a sea lion or something else.

In another dream, I was noticing that my phone calls had the first two letters of my callers’ first and last names and thought it was an interesting new feature.

In the last dream, two others were present when one of them said something about food or weight as I approached a plate of food on a kitchen counter. I said I had no idea what my problem with food was, implying that I was eating too much and couldn’t stop.

I’m a little worried about Aly because she may have some early bone issues developing like osteoporosis and she also has some more Jase drama going on. She didn’t elaborate on that but she did say that she was on a prescription iron medication and going for injections twice a week, the poor girl. I thought she would be too young for osteo.

She’s getting set up in her new studio apartment and her parents are getting ready to move to North Carolina.

She likes working at the daycare but is otherwise not happy. She’s never had a relationship that lasted longer than 9 months, she’s got health issues, and I guess she would miss her parents once they moved, especially her dad. Her mother has always sounded like the negative, insensitive, controlling, judgmental bitch mine was.

Damn, though. 37 years old and never with anyone for more than 9 months, according to her. Either something’s wrong with her or she’s incredibly cursed in that department. I can see where the older she gets the more she wishes she could get into a relationship that would last more than a few months, but at least if there’s any good to short-term ones it’s that she gets to enjoy some variety.

The thing is that she’s attracted to the wrong kinds of people. At least I think that’s part of her problem. Just like she’s drawn to the most troubled and shy kids at the daycare center, she’s drawn to adults with problems. Like Kim and Molly. It’s hard to find stability in a relationship when you’re seeking out unstable partners. Being weird, unique and eccentric is one thing. Being messed up is another. She says that it’s been an equal amount of her dumping partners and them dumping her in the end and that Jase was the one to dump her who now wants her back. She’s let him know it’s too late.

From what little she’s told me about Lana is enough to tell me she can’t even come close to getting a lasting and stable relationship with her. The blue-haired woman who’s terrified of storms has admitted she’s out for sex only.

THURSDAY, AUGUST 30, 2018 When I realized 2 of my 6 bamboo plants were in clusters of 4 after reading the meanings below, I jumped up and changed that immediately. I should have known better! I discovered just how unlucky the number 4 is long before I learned that the Chinese know it’s an unlucky number.

I’m not usually superstitious, but interestingly enough, I stopped flaring upon getting the new trio of bamboos I just got and for the last few days I haven’t been nearly as hot flashy either.

I definitely feel better emotionally when I’m on days and of course, I sleep better at night without all the loud traffic. I wish I could always beyond days. I would definitely take the convenience and the way I feel better over the peacefulness of the nighttime (when the planes aren’t buzzing about).

I’m definitely going to make a bundle of 7 out of the 38-stalk bushel that I have coming. Instead of spending more money on vases, I got a clear but simple and cute flatware organizer that’s watertight to put them in.

I had to grab the proper food for them as Miracle-Gro isn’t recommended. Since bamboo plants don’t have dirt to buffer out Miracle-Gro’s acids, they recommend Green Green.

1 Stalk – simplicity, meaningful life 2 Stalks – best for luck in love and marriage 3 Stalks – happiness (Most popular) 4 Stalks – almost never given. (Four could draw negative energy, according to Chinese culture) 5 Stalks – academic achievement, creativity 6 Stalks - represent good luck and wealth. 7 Stalks – health 8 Stalks – luck in wealth 9 Stalks – good fortune and overall luck 10 Stalks – completion or perfection 21 Stalks – all-purpose blessing

And again that fucking car is back to coming around daily. Today and yesterday it came in at 7:30 in the morning. Was only here a few minutes, though.

Poor Aly. Her blood disease is acting up again.

I don’t know how I could have been so stupid as to think that the baby on Nissan’s profile was Asian and hers. It’s actually a baby picture of herself. I don’t know why I thought she looked Asian, LOL. I guess the angle or something. She’s definitely chosen to ignore me but it’s no surprise.

I like the new bidet but it’s easy to splash water all over the floor and toilet seat if you’re not careful.

I’m back on Bubbly now that I’ve come to realize it was actually my fault that the play button for some of the posts wasn’t showing up. It was because I posted it too soon. The site runs slow as hell and if you post a voice post too soon, the play button will not be visible.

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 29, 2018 I was watching an episode of Forensic Files earlier about a murder that took place in Phoenix, Arizona. Not long into the show, it hit me that I knew exactly where the murder took place.

In the mid-‘90s, I was sitting in my SIL’s backyard chatting with my MIL. She told me that two houses down, a family once lived that had a few kids. The guy killed his wife in the 60s and buried her in the backyard. Then a pool was built over it or some kind of concrete slab. A daughter who was 5 at the time it happened ratted on daddy over 20 years later.

The only thing that was wrong in the story’s reenactment scene was that it showed a two-story house. Well, there are hardly any two-story houses in Arizona, much less on the street it happened on. I forgot the name of the street. Citrus Way perhaps?

The daughter had been confused about the difference between being asleep and being dead as a little girl. Plus the father, an alcoholic who was abusive, threatened her life should she ever mention what happened. She and her younger sister witnessed her father beat their mother to death and then bury her in the corner of the backyard from a bedroom window.

Twenty-seven years later, the daughter told her story to the police and they used a ground-penetrating sensor to hunt for any disturbances. When they found one that was about 6 feet long and 2 feet wide in the area the daughter said they would, they dug up the skeletal remains of her mother. Daddy then went to prison for life.

Last night I dreamed Tom and I were leaving the house on our bikes. The house in the dream had several cement steps outside the door, though. We were about to head out when Tom finished drinking a milkshake and said he wanted to put the cup back inside first. I told him to just leave it by the door but he wanted to get a jacket anyway.

We hopped on our bikes a minute later and took off down the street. The Twenties were having company and were gathered in the middle of the street for some reason. A little boy I knew in the dream to visit regularly was running around erratically and I almost hit him.

Then we pulled up to a mall. A kid on a tricycle passed me. I looked inside the glass doors and thought it looked like a bunch of young people might be fighting. Curious to see if a brawl had broken out, I asked Tom to watch the bikes while I went in to use the bathroom which was where the dream ended.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 28, 2018 We were talking about where we wanted to go for our next vacation and we looked into the Galapagos Islands. However, it would take forever to get there and I don’t want to spend half of the vacation in the air as much as I like to fly.

California is in a bad location for going on vacation because you’re limited distance-wise. Other than Hawaii and Mexico, everything is so far away.

We’ll more than likely go back to Hawaii which is fine. The question is when. We’ve got the money but not the time at the moment. We were going to go at the beginning of next year but I’m not sure about that.

I was reading a woman’s journal on another site who is my age who worries about dying and feels like she’s running out of time even though she’s not sick. I was kind of like, oh wow when I read that. Not only do I have the same concerns and fears but I too sometimes feel like I’m running out of time and I have no idea why. I guess maybe that’s just normal when you start getting older. I have no logical reason to think I’m running out of time. I’m mostly healthy and there’s no reason I couldn’t make it to my 80s and even my 90s.

I left a message for my dermatologist yesterday cuz unless you’re scheduling an appointment you have to leave a voice message. No one called me back. So now I’m going to call the direct line and see if I can get the damn ointment called in. If not, I’ll cancel my follow-up appointment and go somewhere else.

This morning I called the main line and was told that they did get my message and they did call in my ointment. Gee, thanks for letting me know yesterday! So I will begin it Friday night and hope for the best.

Love my new little trio of bamboos. Only problem is that the cactus vase leaks so I put them in a mug with small pastel flowers.

Last night I dreamed my cousin Lisa was all upset to see her mother’s picture on some guy’s wall somewhere because in her mind that told her that something dishonest and secretive had been kept from her for a long time, like maybe somebody having an affair.

Then I was in a bedroom with them and some guy that went to lunge at us from the other side of a double bed. Lori pulled a gun on him and I said, “Shoot him.”

But instead of doing that Lori looked at me and wistfully she said, “Drifting apart after so many years.”

I answered with, “We’ve learned a lot.”

Then I had some dream that we were in the desert again even though it didn’t look like the desert we lived in. I was in some building somewhere and it seemed like we were struggling and I thought how I didn’t care if we survived or not. Or maybe we were being held and questioned for some reason because there might have been a couple of cops around. I was sitting in a chair when I looked out a huge window and found the desert view to be very beautiful with its rocky mountains and such. I got up to look for my camera to take a picture of it. Not sure exactly where this was or the circumstances we were in.

Then I got the sudden urge for candy corn, something I very seldom have. There was a large tablet mounted to the wall in which I ordered the candy corns to be delivered in a short time. I was a little annoyed that they were $7 for being such a small bag but I really wanted those candy corns. I went downstairs in the building I was in and started to ask if anyone had seen the candy corn I ordered and found them sitting on a counter somewhere. I immediately tore the bag open and started scarfing them down.

is left. I'm giving you time. MONDAY, AUGUST 27, 2018 Lots of catching up to do. Will try to go in order of events. I believe I forgot to say that we stopped at Jack in the Box on the way home from the dermatologist on Friday. I’ll have a follow-up appointment on October 10th. She didn’t call in my prescription, though, so now I have to call the damn office today. Not going to start it till Friday night because I want Tom to be around when I do.

Once we were entering the park, I saw plumbers at Lawrence’s house in back right by the bedrooms. I worried that vehicle doors slamming would wake me up but they didn’t.

Skipping my meds today because I think I could be flaring. HR has been elevated, I’ve been flustered and warm more often, and am exhibiting other signs. Is this really going to be an issue on and off for the rest of my life? Sadly, I’m beginning to think yes.

I just wish the hot flashes would back off already! They’ve been really bad for months now and I would have thought that they’d be better by now. They’re especially bad at the start and end of my day.

I texted Marie but never got a reply. She probably doesn’t even have that number anymore. Also, even though she could be busy, Nissan’s doing what I figured she’d do…ignoring me. Amazing how well I can predict some people even if I barely knew them for 5 minutes and it was 3 decades ago. Then again, it really is just a matter of common sense. Most people can’t move on. Even I have a harder time moving on the older I get. In fact, after Aly told me how she’s getting quicker to anger with age, Tom and I were discussing how we’ve become less tolerant with age. Less concerned with what others think and less tolerant overall. Instead of getting used to some things, you get fed up with them instead.

Going to see if Tom wants to go out walking before work. We’ll have to watch out for skunks as usual. This really is a “never before” state. Never before have I known so many languages. Never before have I heard so much loud traffic. Never before have I heard so much landscaping. Never before have I heard so many planes. Never before have so many stores and restaurants blasted music. And never before have I seen so many skunks. I’ve had to dodge them two out of the last three times I was out.

I think Ray might have finally gotten his ass out of here. There was a moving truck down there the other day and when I was out riding late at night, there were no vehicles in the carport.

We went to Mel’s Diner after 3 a.m. yesterday and it was good but not great. The music was blasting and my grilled pork chops were just so-so. The diced potatoes and onions were a little better, the eggs even better, and believe it or not, the English muffin was the best of all, LOL.

At one point, a group of five young people came in and I thought, oh no, now I have to listen to loud people on top of loud music. But they were pretty quiet for a bunch of twentysomethings.

Got my panty grab bag and I’m just as happy with it as with my first order two years ago. This one is even better, even though there were 21 pairs instead of 30 because only a few pairs don’t fit well. One of them is on Suki. I got all kinds of colors and styles. Fortunately, there were no crotchless ones. Mostly g-strings. I’m wearing a very comfortable full-ass one now which is still good for skirts and dresses so as to avoid wedgies.

Ordered a cheap portable bidet. Would have loved to have something like this in jail or when we were in Gert, as we called the RV up in Oregon.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 25, 2018 Here we go with the fucking planes again. It must be 1:30 a.m. Yeah, that seems to be one of the times they love to make some annoying rounds.

Before I get into my good news, I heard from Nissan’s friend Mary F. Different eye color but based on the overall resemblance, I’m guessing it might be her sister. She said she would let Nissan know I was looking for her. I still don’t expect to hear from her because regardless of how many people preach forgiveness, people don’t forgive, forget and move on. At least most people don’t seem to. I’m sure I’ll be judged for how I was 30 years ago but if that’s the case, so be it. Again, she was no angel herself from what little I knew of her.

First I got a friend request from Irene’s friend Elisabeth whom I’m already friends with. Then I got a friend request from one of Elisabeth’s friends, Felicia. Then I got another request from one of her friends named Seigfried. These are all people in Austria. This was when it hit me that her account was probably cloned or someone was trying to impersonate her.

Before this happened I got a message from a Louise Dewey who had recently deactivated her Shady Jamie account. Remembering Marie once told me her middle name was Louise, and knowing she usually spelled her nickname as Duewi, I thought there might be a connection.

What’s up with all the fake names? I asked and got a sarcastic reply saying, “Thanks, I’ll delete you too. Thanks for humoring me all these years.”

Yeah, fine. Whatever. I’m just sick of the creation and deletion of multiple accounts, none with her real name. Do you know how suspicious that looks? And people adding me with the same name from more than one account? My God, how many fucking accounts does one need to stay connected and in touch?! It’s too hard to keep up with all the changes and additions and to know who’s for real and who’s not when people do this.

So I went to see Amy at Folsom Dermatology. While we were waiting in the waiting room, some guy in his 50s or 60s came into the room to fill out paperwork when he appeared to trip and then go crashing into a nearby table, knocking off its contents. The staff came running and he insisted his ankle turned out and he just had lousy balance but was otherwise fine. The staff was concerned he’d hit his head but he didn’t and I vouched for the guy on that one.

Anyway, I was very stressed out and depressed, thinking I was going to be told that my only options were oral or topical steroids. Knowing there was no way I could simply get used to so much burning and itching, especially the burning, made me want to beat my head into the wall.

To my surprise, however, I do have options! Real options with real hope. I forgot the name of it but later today we’re going to pick up a topical non-steroid ointment. The only catch with this is that people report burning the first 3 days. Well, if it isn’t worse than the horrible burning I got from the Mometasone then I should be able to survive it.

There are other options if this fails, including ultraviolet therapy which she referred to as phototherapy. So I’m hoping that this will be it! Even if I can’t cure it and I have to dab ointment down there regularly, if it will work to keep the shit from spreading or flaring up, fine. I’m willing to cut my losses and settle for that. Yes, I’m a little nervous about the new ointment but desperation makes you braver. She said something about a black box warning but I think that’s for oral use of the drug.

I just wish I could stop getting things that are permanent. I really need to start getting things that are either curable or that will just kill me if I’ve got to keep getting things, and I know damn well that if my LS is ever tamed, there will just be something else afterward. The Kim M’s of this world don’t realize just how easy they have it with their worst problems being a bitchy, bossy SIL and being made to brush their hair and teeth. It’s usually the nutjobs or the assholes that have it the easiest. I’m sure she always sleeps great and probably feels great too, most of the time.

They’re turning off the water for a few hours AGAIN on Monday, and once again I’ve chosen to vent my frustrations anonymously. When we moved in many years ago and were told the water would be off occasionally, I thought that meant a few times a year. Not a few times a month. This is utterly ridiculous! And again, shame on them for allowing motorcycles and extending the time kids can be at the pool. What’s next, loud car stereos? Kids being allowed to live here part-time? So much for thinking adult communities were peaceful since between loud traffic, regular projects, and daily landscaping that only needs to be done once a week, it’s anything but peaceful here.

Tom said the garbage trucks were loud and being weird. They didn’t wake me up, fortunately, thanks to the earbud but he said they kept driving back and forth long after the stuff was dumped. They’d drive down to the end of the street, turn around and leave.

FRIDAY, AUGUST 24, 2018 Yesterday sucked. I was so stressed out as well as depressed. I worried that my only options would be to suffer or die. Not having as rough of a day today as I expected, but I still worry for myself. To hell with worrying about actually growing old and dying. The biggest concern is all the suffering you do before you get there. I wanted to scream. I wanted to cry. I wanted something to just kill me right then and there!

Fell asleep at 11 a.m. and kept waking up every few minutes so I finally took a Benadryl shortly after noon. This didn’t help me sleep as soundly as I thought it would but I managed to sleep until 8. It’s going to be a long-ass day for me! My appointment isn’t until 10:45 and it may be close to noon before we get home.

I’ve been taking it easy, spending most of the time relaxing in bed. Although eczema isn’t lichen sclerosus, Aly has had ultraviolet light therapy which has helped her and I’m going to ask the PA about that, though I don’t know that that can be used down there. As Aly pointed out, it may be a matter of trial and error until I find what helps me the best. She’s used some prescription cream that doesn’t have steroids in it which she has also found helpful. Then she has some friends who also have skin issues and swear by turmeric.

I have a 3-stalk bamboo plant on the way. One is a 6” stalk and the other two are 4” stalks. I want to put the 6” stalk in the cactus vase I got shortly after we left Phoenix. The other two can join one of the other groups of bamboos I have in here. I now have 5, soon to be 6.

I’m also getting some novelty Tic Tac flavors… Blueberry, bubble gum and donut.

Last night I dreamed I was showing Simon to Stacey S. She told me that she had rats as well. I asked her what kind they were and she said “Midterms.” As I brought Simon out of a store that I either owned or worked at in which he roamed loose with Dumbo, I looked back as I crossed the street to go to Stacey’s place and saw that I’d left the door open. Dumbo slipped out and then I could have sworn I saw Burke alive and well again and with a full coat of fur. I hurried to show Stacey Simon so I could get back before the other rats could get too far.

When I got back to the store I saw that Dumbo was back inside but only for a minute because a kitten chased him back out. I hunted for him but couldn’t find him. Then some guy in the store said something like, “It’s a rat. You know how they are.”

Then there was this dream where I was standing outside in the back of someplace possibly smoking a cigarette. It was late afternoon and I noticed it was cool. Aloud I said, “It’s going to be pretty damn chilly in a few hours.”

Then someone walked by and I felt a little embarrassed that they heard me talking to myself. Then I went inside the house which was a small one-bedroom place on a concrete foundation.

I then entered the bedroom and placed some small plastic doll in a box.

Next, I went into the living room where Tom was. I knew I had to go with him somewhere to sign something and I thought we were leaving at that moment. But then he prepared to leave and said he would see me later.

I became a little bummed out when I realized I would be left alone.

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 22, 2018 Feeling a bit anxious so I’ll skip my poison tomorrow just to be safe.

I’m also feeling tired and a little down. I’m sure part of it is because I slept shittily and I haven’t exactly been eating healthy either. I just wish I could stop worrying about death, dying and suffering and who’s going to be there for us in the end after opting out of having kids and the usual shit. The thing is I don’t just worry about the end. I worry about how much suffering we may have to do between now and the end. I have suffered so, so much for nearly half a decade now. You would think I would be used to it by now but some things you just can’t adapt to.

I used a Tucks pad after my shower in hopes of it keeping me from burning or itching.

I was thinking of the fallout I had with Tammy and my nieces and while I have always been a firm believer in being true to myself and as honest as possible with those close to me, sometimes I wonder if the people-pleasing might have been the better way to go. I swore I would never be a people pleaser but I can see where it would be easier if I just came out and apologized for everything. I mean everything. Even the things I didn’t do like supposedly telling Dad that I started talking with Lisa sooner than we did. After all, they wouldn’t know I was lying since they believe the lie is the truth, and then everybody would be happy and maybe we could all get along. But I would know I was lying and while being a people-pleaser may keep the peace, do I really want them in my life either way? They’ve chosen to ignore me so I don’t have a choice at the moment but I still have mixed emotions about having them in my life regardless. We’re very different from each other in personalities, interests and beliefs. Okay, so Tammy may share my feelings on Muslims and blacks, and she may like to read too, but for the most part, they’re religious, conceited, selfish, narcissistic, aggressive, emotionally, vindictive, unstable people. Would that really be good for me? Probably not. But a part of me is still sad that things have come to where they are now.

So do I be myself and risk losing people? Or do I be a people pleaser and keep the peace? I guess for now I’ll remain true to myself and honest with them which means only taking responsibility for what I’ve actually done and not what they think I’ve done. I may change my mind and my ways later on, but for now I’ll continue to be the way I usually am even if some may call it stubborn. Stubborn for not giving in to what they want to hear.

Anyway, it really does seem like something up there is determined to see to it that I sleep shitty when I sleep during the daytime no matter what. Traffic didn’t wake me up but I woke up a million times either just because, because I thought I smelled something weird, because of the neck knockers from too much sodium lately, because I had to pee, etc.

Tom doesn’t think they’re going to pave behind the house anytime soon. He says they wouldn’t have bothered to pave the sinkholes if they were going to. Well, I’m sure there will be something else soon enough. It may be by the park or one of the neighbors but there’s pretty much always something.

The only dream I remember despite waking up so much was something about reconnecting with Miss Perfect. I was sitting in a room chatting with her. I was on a couch and she sat in a plush chair sort of across from me and by a window. I had some treats on a plate on the arm of the couch. I went to pick up what looked like colorful sprinkles wrapped in this clear substance. I thought it would remain intact but before I could put it in my mouth, it burst and the sprinkles fell all over the couch and my lap.

Going through old journals has reminded me of some people from the past, both good and bad. Nissan P who is now Nissan C was one of them. I finally found her on Facebook. She has a couple of accounts but one doesn’t appear to have been updated since 2014 and the other since 2016. Both profile pictures look like they were taken in the ‘80s based on the type of picture and the hairstyle she had. Her makeup was done perfectly, she had a beautiful smile, and she was definitely a very attractive person. I’m sure that’s part of why she was such a judgmental bitch. Stereotypical or not, those are the ones who usually are.

What was weird was that in the account that hasn’t been updated since 2014 was a picture of an Asian baby that she referred to as her own child. But she’s 62 now. It seems odd that one would refer to themselves as “mama” if it was a grandkid, and she would have been in her late 50s when it was born which would be a bit late to be adopting, wouldn’t it?

I found her address and looked at her house on Google Maps. She’s lived in Springfield all her life. “Bet the bitch is in a gorgeous house,” I thought to myself, but nope. The house is actually kind of small and dumpy.

Oh, those fucking planes. Just when you think it’s nice that they’ve given you a break they start swarming round and round. I am so fucking sick of hearing that nonstop buzzing so much of the time! Nighttime is the only time there is no landscaping and other projects yet I still can’t have my fucking peace even then.

So anyway, I messaged Nissan on both accounts and apologized for not handling things too well back in the day though I didn’t think her stealing my “notes” on her, however borne of loneliness and wishful thinking they may have been, was exactly the right thing to do. Nonetheless, I told her I had no hard feelings and that while I had a lot of growing up to do back then, I was hurt that she turned on me like she did. I asked if she had anything to do with the prank calls I got in 1990 and if she knew Linda J but I don’t expect her to ever read the message, let alone actually respond to it. She’ll ignore or block but my guess is ignore.

She only has a few friends and has opted out of being added, so she’s either very private or very unliked.

I’m kind of tired of Marie’s up-and-down ways and feeling like I’m riding a roller coaster when dealing with her. She deactivates on Facebook regularly and changes accounts, and it’s just hard to keep up with her. One minute all is wonderful. She’s sworn off love, quit the booze, has her own place, and is working regularly. The next she’s broke, living with her sisters, jobless, and going through a breakup that’s never her fault. Ever. I could have left her on my friend list in case she reactivated but I decided to unfriend both her and Kim.

Yeah, Kim deactivated and told me she hardly used FB but Aly and I think she probably got into it with someone, deactivated, and has begun anew. I never could understand why she would do this and not just block the person she’s having problems with, but she’s known for multiple accounts and she’s likely still there. I don’t mind not being connected to her there, though. Twitter and texting are more than enough. I guess Facebook is her only connection to someone she went to high school with, according to Aly, so she wouldn’t just leave.

Later…

Another possibility for Nissan’s baby could be that Nissan is with a much younger woman who had the child. Could be a foster kid but it’s kind of hard to believe you would refer to yourself as its mama.

I’ve tried numerous times to look up Brenda and Kacey. But the last name Stephens is very common and the first name Kathleen is definitely very common. If Nissan didn’t have such a unique name it would have been much harder to find her.

Damn, I can’t imagine being 62 years old and spending every single year of it living there. To never live anywhere else but that dumpy city is a sad thought. At least to me anyway.

Here’s something weird. On one account she has no friends, likes or comments and on another, she has 3. I noticed that one of them appeared to block me and thought, why would a friend of hers that I never even contacted (though I did contact a different friend of hers in case she doesn’t check her messages, hoping they might give her a heads up) go and block me? My first thought was Nissan told him about me and he blocked me but then I figured that if that was really the case, Nissan would have blocked me as well. So I went into Tom’s account and couldn’t pull up that account from there either. So he probably deactivated or there’s some kind of glitch going on because I can’t believe he would block me while she didn’t and then magically know my husband’s name and which account was his to block.

I also shared one of Nissan’s updates and then invited her to Messenger on her other account, but my guess is that she hasn’t used Facebook in years.

Several months ago I did a prayer experiment even though I suspected what the results would be. I prayed to lose weight. I prayed for Kathleen’s friendship. And I prayed for the anxiety to never return. Well, not a single prayer was granted. Should I bother to pray for a response from Nissan, negative or not? Definitely not! There’s nothing up there. Nothing at all. And if there is, it ain’t listening to me. Well, if it is, it’s definitely ignoring me. Seriously, if I ever wanted to see my prayers answered, that would be easy as hell if I prayed for the “right” things. Watch, this is how I get them answered… Dear God, please make sure I have that nasty anxiety at least every now and then if you’re not going to give it to me as often as you used to. Please make sure I never lose more than a few pounds. Ever. Oh, and don’t forget to make sure I don’t hear a damn thing from Nissan, and if I ever see Kathleen again, make sure she doesn’t contact me even if she mentions getting together again. Lastly, always, always fill my days and even parts of my nights with plenty of noise, aches, pains, worries, and itchiness. Make me suffer more than half the time in some way shape or form. In fact, Why not pick out a new disease suitable for a piece of shit like me. Let’s see… How about lupus? No. I’ve got a better idea. Since you don’t quite hate me enough to kill me just yet, how about diabetes? Parkinson’s? Yeah, I think that would be great for a piece of shit like me. I deserve it for sure, so please God, please grant me all these things. Oh please, I know you will. You surely will! You love me. I know you do. You always love me when I ask for what I don’t want. I just know you do.

Nane is 58 today. I asked Christiane to please wish her a happy birthday. The dancing dots then appeared signaling that she was replying but nothing came through. Really hope Facebook isn’t on one of their failed message-send trips. Anyway, I still miss the judgmental hypocrite, so please God, make sure I never hear from her.

See? God really does answer some of my prayers after all…if He exists.

Now that guy’s account is visible again, so yeah, just a glitch.

Had a dream the old lady in Grand Prairie was just finishing up making her bed and I thought it hardly seemed wide enough for her and her husband. In real life, they have separate rooms just like Tom and I do. Speaking of her, she hasn’t looked in on me lately. Something wrong with her? She’s old and ill so there could be.

Got an Alexa device for the car and tomorrow I should have a 3-pack of medium brown hair dye. Definitely don’t have to dye it as much with the bangs and with how slow it grows these days.

MONDAY, AUGUST 20, 2018 Just came back from a rather interesting 10-minute walk in the gorgeous evening we’re having. First I accidentally scared the shit out of a woman that sounded exactly like Kathleen even if she didn’t look anything like her when I said hello to her. She didn’t hear me coming up behind her. She had come out to gaze at the moon.

Then I was nearly sprayed by a skunk. There’s an area coming back down the roller coaster heading toward the house that’s got both a retaining wall and a chain-link fence. Well, the thing had just jumped up onto the wall that was behind the fence as I passed by. I moved away quickly when I heard the sound. Then I would walk a few feet and it would follow. Then I would stop and it would stop. And back and forth and back and forth we went. Finally, I just booked it back to the house.

Will be seeing the PA at the dermatologist in Folsom on Friday. The doctor will be able to see me quickly if need be. Need to push my schedule 2 hours a day, 45 minutes more than it usually jumps on average. Good thing I like coffee!

Today has been the best day since I started burning really bad and once again I’m pretty sure that it was a reaction to the steroid cream. The question is what are my other options for when I start having the kind of burning (and itching) that comes with having LS? To think that I may be burning and itching even just half of the time I’ve got left to live makes me want to beat my head into the wall. Again, better than anxiety but no way to live. I still believe that quality of life is much more important than quantity. If I’m just going to suffer most days, then I’m not sure I want to live. The only thing that’s held me back this long is not wanting to abandon Tom when he should have 20-25 years left to live.

Chatted briefly with Marie and it’s the same old sorry story. The last time we talked she was supposedly doing great. She swore off love, booze, had her own place, and had a job delivering pets. Now she’s jobless, broke, and living with her sisters in New York after another failed relationship in which she claims the woman went psycho and wouldn’t leave her alone. As for the job, she says the guy she was working for turned out to be an asshole and owes her money.

She posted some pictures of herself. She’s all gray now. While she looks wonderfully fit and healthy, I still don’t get why you would want to look like a guy if you’re not attracted to them. I also don’t get why other lesbians would be attracted to that. Aren’t they too, supposed to not be attracted to men?

Got up at 1 p.m. and I have to stay up till he goes to work. That’s not until 5:30 a.m. So I’ll be having an extra cup of coffee tonight and hoping the planes quit annoying me. They’ve been bad again. With my shit luck I’ll make it till 5:30 but then will get up at the same time I did today and have to stay up even longer since Wednesday’s goal is going to be 7:30 a.m. Oh well. Worst case scenario, I fall asleep for a few hours in the early morning before the appointment, which is at 10:45.

Going to try to keep myself busy but not do anything too strenuous that will tire me down. That’s why I’m not going to exercise for long periods of time. Maybe I’ll finally finish my revenge story.

So far today we made a Safeway order which will be delivered tomorrow for some things we need until Friday when we do the regular order, plus I’ve chatted with Aly, and am doing writing-related projects. Later I’ll work on the dollhouse and maybe do some coloring.

I’m just glad I have the sleeping earbuds to lower my chances of traffic waking me up so I don’t have to have that stress on top of me as well. However, I think I know what the next road project is going to be and that’s paving the road that runs in back of the house. It looks terrible and I can’t believe they’re just going to leave it that way. They’ve been paving various sections of the park for quite a while now and it’s only inevitable that they get to us. It’s just a matter of what part of my schedule the road games will hit.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 19, 2018 Woke up in pain with my crotch feeling like it was on fire and got so pissed off and frustrated at the suffering I’ve been doing ever since we’ve lived here that I actually slammed my fist on my desk and flung off my portable AC and a bottle of water. OMG, I am just so, SO sick of suffering! While this may be the lesser evil, I am not going to be driven crazy all over again while I scramble to try to figure out how to make myself better. I will not play that game again. I will not.

I said I was done with the appointment game and that I was just going to suffer no matter what, but that’s easy to say until you have such intense burning and pain. Even though I know it’s not going to do me a damn bit of good, I may have to return to the dermatologist. Well, that is only if they don’t tell me they can’t get me in for 3 months or something like that. If that’s the case I may as well either continue suffering or go to Urgent Care.

I’m starting to wonder if some of this intense burning that’s been coming and going is actually steroid damage. So I’ve stopped the steroids. The thing is, what else can I do??? I’ve tried everything I can think of yet it’s not responding to anything. There doesn’t seem to be any kind of pattern. It comes on whenever and it stops whenever. I’m not sure seeing anybody about it is going to help because we already know it’s not an infection and it’s not cancer so why go for temporary solutions that have side effects? If they can’t help me I’m going to have to either accept and live with the pain or kill myself. There really doesn’t seem to be much else I can do.

I can’t help but wonder if there is a God up there that has made this happen or is at least allowing it to happen or if it’s all just random. I want so bad to throw in the towel and just kill myself but I don’t know that I’d have the guts unless anything happened to Tom, and I don’t want to abandon him when he may have another 20-25 years left to live.

Besides suffering, I got a wireless earbud like what Tom has only mine is rose gold instead of white.

I continue to hear annoying landscaping sounds every single day and right now I’m wishing that was my only complaint. I really miss the days when my problems were external. Even the allergy attacks I would have would be better than this. This shit is even worse than my TMJ. It’s not as bad as anxiety but it’s worse than being light-headed or tired.

I had a dream that I was sleeping on a cot in the same room my parents were sleeping in. It may have been a living room. I heard rustling coming from another part of the house and woke them up, certain that someone had broken in. Then I could see light and shadows moving under the doorway just as they were pushing the covers off their faces which led to another part of the house.

Then I had a dream that I was talking to both Andy and Marla on the phone. Later I was sitting by myself in a restaurant booth, looking out the window and silently scolding myself for spending too much time on social media and the phone when I should be doing other things.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 18, 2018 I unblocked Palma and “reacted” to a couple of her posts. Just curious as to what her reaction might be. I realize I was just being unnecessarily paranoid by blocking her, and even if she did say anything nasty to me, so what? They’re just words. All I have to do is ignore her and or block her again for good.

Just when I thought I was getting better since I didn’t have much pain yesterday, I’m back to burning to the point that I feel like someone took a razor and made a little slit down there or like they’re pinching me between their fingernails. It was driving me crazy enough to take a Benadryl so I could escape in sleep if only for a few hours since nothing else I did seemed to help. It’s a little better now but not much.

I just don’t know what to do. Do I go back to the dermatologist? Do I stop the steroids?

Even though this is definitely the lesser of the two evils, I feel like I’m going through the same shit I went through with the anxiety of going crazy trying to figure out how to help myself, and feeling like it’s never going to end. I will not, and I repeat, I will not succumb to another medical crisis! If there is a God up there who has chosen to inflict this upon me, I will not give in to it. I will not be a victim of one medical crisis after another for the rest of my life. I simply will not.

I would really like to just accept the fact that it’s not going away, toughen up, and hope it doesn’t get worse. I’d really like to just learn to live with it and hope I get so used to it that I don’t even notice it anymore if that’s even possible since it’s that severe. Yes, I worry about it getting worse to the point that it’s hard for me to even walk, and yes, I worry about it obstructing my pee hole, but I’m tired of being a victim of one problem after another. I need to learn to ignore these things as best as I can for ignorance really is bliss. Yes, it’s hard to ignore something when you’re in that much pain but I really need to move on. I’m not old and I don’t have anything terminal, so since I have many years ahead of me, I need to learn to just live with the shit I get in life whether it’s coming at me by happenstance or from something up there that wants me to suffer. I’m not going to let this be the next long-term crisis even if it may not compare to the freeloaders, poverty, and the anxiety crises. It may not be a crisis but it may be the new ear that was really TMJ and I’m determined not to let it get to me. I want to just wash my hands clean of it, walk away and ignore it like I should have with the freeloaders’ legal abuse down in Arizona. As I’ve learned, I can either sit back and take it, fight back, or just not give in to it by letting it get to me so much. It’s not going away, so since this problem is mine for life, I just have to accept it like with my TMJ, my thyroid, my weight, and everything else. So time to be a good little sufferer.

We went to Michael’s in the afternoon and while they had some cute things that I would have then been quick to grab had I found them in the ‘90s, I didn’t end up getting anything because I already have so much stuff.

Then we went swimming. We were the only ones there. I just wish they would heat the damn pool normally instead of being so greedy! The water was pretty chilly because we had some cool nights. And even though we weren’t there long, this annoying plane was buzzing round and round. Ironically enough, though, the flying has been better overall since I complained. Of course I had to listen to tree saws and traffic, though.

Last night I dreamed about Johnson. I’m not sure what the dream was about but it seemed to have something to do with me being her girlfriend. I don’t know if I was just thinking about being her girlfriend or if I actually was.

Then Nane was in a dream but I don’t remember enough of it to say what it was about.

FRIDAY, AUGUST 17, 2018 Feeling much better than I have the last few days. Yesterday I was burning so badly and feeling really hopeless. Just maybe the Emuaid will help after all. Wondering if the steroids could be responsible for some of the burning.

Yesterday I was pissed because you can no longer message doctors through the portal due to changes they’re making. It said something about possibly being able to message them again as soon as September 19th. What that really translates to is you’re probably not going to be able to message them for a very long time if ever again.

Checking into bidets and thinking that might be a good thing to have. If we were in Florida, the temperature wouldn’t matter. But since it gets pretty cold here in the winters, I’d like one that heats the water. I don’t need a warm dryer because I can always use toilet paper to dry myself.

Tom looked at me down there yesterday and he said it looks normal even though he could see the white spots that usually come with LS.

THURSDAY, AUGUST 16, 2018 Today’s one of those days when I want to cry. However, the tears don’t come easy when you’ve had EMDR. I’m depressed, I’m angry, I’m frustrated, and I’m worried. Still having burning galore down there and I’m unable to message my doctor over the portal. The assholes are making changes and so now we might be able to message them again as soon as September 19th.

I know I could call but treatment isn’t helping me, and even if it did, it’s just a quick fix. The Emuaid is looking like it was a waste of money and I don’t think the Tucks helps either. It’s like something up there wants me to suffer. I’m wondering if the steroids might be making me worse. They should stop the burning, not worsen it.

I’m tired of running to doctors and I want to just ignore this but I don’t know if the pain will let me. It’s like something not only wants me to suffer but wants to keep me going to doctors regularly. I could make an appointment with the dermatologist but again, all I’m going to get is a quick fix that comes with plenty of side effects, and it will probably take months to get in to see someone to begin with.

The best I can do is learn to suffer and hope I can adapt to this kind of pain and that it doesn’t get worse by sealing any openings, particularly my urethra and ass. I wonder if I’ll always be deformed down there but how I look doesn’t matter as opposed to how I feel. It’s just that how I look is a sign of how advanced it’s gotten. I really worry it’s gonna block my pee hole.

Why is it that ever since we moved into this house I’ve had nothing but health issues galore and I’ve had to listen to more noise than all the places I’ve lived in combined? The only good we have here is money. Damn, do I miss the days when my problems were external! Instead, I’m afraid I’m going to keep racking up one incurable disease after another. The symptoms for LS are worse than the hypo symptoms because those don’t hurt. They’re annoying as hell but they don’t cause pain like LS.

I don’t know if there’s a connection but I’m also peeing up a storm like I would when I’d be waterlogged. Lately, I’ve been having to get up twice during my sleep to pee.

I don’t know what to do. I really feel stuck on this one and like it’s either live to suffer or drop dead.

The only thing I have to look forward to is a whole lot of food at the end of the day. We’ve got a huge variety coming. I realize I got carried away with the sodium and therefore my blood pressure is up, but I’ll get back on track soon enough if I’m ever not distracted by pain. For now, I really needed a break from the same old, same old, so I’ve got all kinds of things coming that are both healthy and not. They had a deal where if you get $150 of groceries they give you $25 off, so that’s why we got so much. It’s easy to jack the price up when you attack the seafood section. So I will be indulging in coconut-fried shrimp, baked shrimp, and shrimp scampi like crazy!

I was all set to cut my hair because I’m sick of it and it never grows anymore but then I decided to start wearing it in a braid as much as I can and see if that coaxes any growth. I’m going to be cutting it soon enough either way because I’m tired of long hair.

Last night I dreamed we were living in an apartment building and we met this guy who was our neighbor. I’m not sure which one of us moved in first but he didn’t seem all there. Even though he asked if I would not cook anything after 9 p.m. so the smell wouldn’t bother him, I agreed, saying that if anything it would help me cut back.

Then there was some dream about telling Dr. O that I was testing my own TSH which seemed to be worse.

In the last dream, I got a call from Kathleen and she seemed really overworked and overburdened. I think she was more than just the office administrator in the dream but she also did some of the dental work as well.

Then I was at the dentist’s office which looked nothing like it does and said, “So you won’t be able to see me?”

She looked doubtful and then whispered in secret to me that they were looking for a new dentist which I knew meant that the dentist was retiring soon.

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 15, 2018 If it’s normal to pee just 6 times a day, why have I already done that after being up for just two and a half hours?

Woke up to a chilly 74 degrees inside the house. I don’t like it under 76 degrees.

I wonder if the Twenties had their church group over last night? If they did they sure were quiet about it.

Lichen sclerosis might be spelled lichen sclerosus but I’ll just call it LS. Still hurting down there but not as bad as yesterday. We went and ordered that Emuaid but I probably won’t start using it until tomorrow because it’s going to come towards the end of my day. We’ll see. For now, I gently sprayed water down there without using soap as was recommended online. Then I dabbed the area with an apple cider vinegar-soaked cotton ball, and then I put the aquifer on.

Tom thinks that since stress can aggravate autoimmune diseases the stress of the roadwork over the last couple of days added to my pain. I just hate whatever is up there if there is anything up there, and I really hope there isn’t! Again, I’d hate to think there’s something up there that could control this and help me but has chosen to sit on its ass while I suffer. It may not be like when I was in the worst of my anxiety but it’s definitely not comfortable walking around feeling like your crotch is on fire and worrying that it’s going to get progressively worse to the point that you might need surgery. Thankfully, it can’t get in the vag. You try to keep it from getting worse but as soon as you take a day off from steroids, which you can’t use every single day of your life, it spreads.

Last night I had a dream that I was visiting someone who lived in my grandparents’ house. Unlike in reality, I could see the house I lived in from that house. Whoever was living in my house had removed the shed and the fences in back so that they could drive around to the back of the house and park additional cars there. In the time I visited, I noticed the same car came and went a few times and thought of how that was so typical to come and go that often in modern times.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 14, 2018 The only dreams I remember were very vague snippets. Larry was to visit Andy’s family. When I caught Andy alone at one point I asked if my brother was still there (they might have been having dinner somewhere) and he said he left after saying he had “murder to grow.” I knew this meant that he was involved in law enforcement somehow.

Then my mother was sitting at a small table with Charlotte. Charlotte looked at me funny and I wondered if it was because I had gained weight since she last saw me or if she just wasn’t all there. Either way, I ignored her and reminded my mother that the two mannequins we got were for me to learn to sew and that we needed to get working on that. I guess we were doing a project together.

Then Mom and some guy were visiting. I was on the couch while they were on the floor. We were watching a video they’d made. I told Mom to let me know if she wanted to sit on the couch. Then Tom and I were in another room watching the vid on a larger couch.

My new rat tote is awesome! The large photo of the Berkshire rat on it is clear and cool looking. I’m able to put my purse right inside it. This way I get a quick and easy change from a pink purse to a rat tote without having to empty out and move my stuff.

Still have irritation right at the opening of my pussy and I wonder just how bad it could get if I stop treating it. Is my crotch the new ear? The new ear that turned out to be TMJ that I’ll have to suffer from for 12 years before someone finally suggests something that’s actually helpful?

I wish I had something good to say other than that the noise has been absolutely maddening around here. If someone had told me that the noisiest place I would live in would be an adult community, I would have laughed my ass off. Although I’ve only lived in one, it tells me that it’s pointless to confine our searches to adult communities only when we go to move.

Later…

I think I found my next crisis. Or better yet, I think it found me. The lichen sclerosis I have is getting worse. Further research shows that it can change the looks of you down there as well as with male privates, though it’s usually something that affects postmenopausal women, and sometimes you may need surgery because the inner and outer lips can stick together. Lovely, huh?

So I took a look down there and yeah, it looks deformed. I can’t feel my clit either. Some woman who shared her story said something about the clit flattening and having treatment to get it to re-emerge. So I guess it’s there since so far I’m still able to pee as usual but it’s mashed flat or something like that.

It’s gross and disgusting and it makes me so fucking angry. If there is a God up there, damn the motherfucker to hell and back! As if I haven’t had enough shit in life. It is literally one thing after another with me. I don’t know that this will escalate to a full-scale crisis in the way it did with the shitsters in Arizona, the poverty we went through, or what I went through with my meds and anxiety, but it’s bad enough. I’m inflamed, in pain, and burning a hell of a lot more than I am itching. Definitely too noticeable to ignore. I’m fucked if this shit causes me to bleed and affects my ass. I can’t imagine being able to shit if this thing invades my ass any more than I can imagine being able to have sex with the way it’s really affected the area around my pussy.

My research shows that it’s not deadly in any way and can’t get inside the vag but I still worry it’s going to keep getting worse to the point that I’m not even able to walk. What happens when I start bleeding? What happens if it hurts too much to pee? What happens if it hurts too much to shit? Then what? It can partially block the urethra and cause a “spray” to the piss but it hasn’t gotten to that point yet.

Some say apple cider vinegar, as well as coconut oil, can relieve the symptoms and then there’s this natural remedy backed by a board-certified doctor called Emuaid but I’m just not sure what the fuck to do anymore. Or even if there is anything I can do but suffer and hope I one day get used to it somehow, some way.

I’m just tired of having one thing after another! It’s like something up there hexed me sexually all my life by denying me true lust and pairing me with sexually defunct partners, and now it’s cursing my very sex directly. What’s next? Will it go after my uterus or something? I really wish I would get something that would just kill me but I know I won’t. If there’s anything up there, then it obviously wants me to suffer so it’s not going to kill me just yet. I could wish I’d kept my mouth shut about the spot on my back, but I know that had I not said anything it would have simply resulted in more pain and aggravation for me. Not death.

I’d like to not give whatever may be up there that has thrown this on me the satisfaction of giving into it, but again, some things you just can’t ignore. I’d like to just close my mind and eyes to it and simply walk away but then I may suffer even more. Or maybe not. I just don’t know. I’ve been dealing with it, after all, by treating it, and I’m still suffering. So how do you ignore something that you can’t?

I don’t know if this should make me feel more picked on or not but while thyroid diseases are very common and there are something like 30 million cases in the US, there are less than 200,000 cases of lichen sclerosis in the country.

The only good thing I have to say at the moment is that other than the time the loud car came in at 7:30 in the morning, it’s definitely putting in much fewer appearances.

Also, the roadwork has wound down even though I know that in a matter of days, someone will start another project somewhere that I’ll have to listen to for days if not weeks on end.

I also got my horse tats and my glittery birds and flowers. They look nice. I have a flower and bird on my chest and arm, and a horse on my hand and calf.

So far I’ve assembled three dressers, a desk, a chair, a shelf, and the bathtub. Next, I have to do a vanity basket, the sink and mirror, and then the beds and patio furniture. After that, I can begin the actual assembly of the house. There may be some outdoor accessories as well to assemble like plants.

MONDAY, AUGUST 13, 2018 I love it when people post whatever they want regardless of who it may offend, expect nothing but support, then get all upset should I post something they don’t understand or like. Well, just for the record, never again will I explain or defend anything I post. You post what you want. I’ll post what I want. And yes, this time you’re correct in assuming I’m talking about you, and while I will always love and support you, I have just as much right to be myself as you do, and well, you know who you are. ;-)

The above paragraph is not only very true but is something I posted publicly on Facebook as well as on Blogger. Just letting people know where I stand without any hard feelings of any kind. I just get tired of the dual standards at times. I’m expected to just smile, support and accept what others do while they call me out when I speak my own mind about whatever and that’s just wrong. It’s selfish. It’s unfair. And I have zero tolerance for one-sided relationships of any kind.

There are some people that I will always love but I definitely don’t always like them. I understand that we all have faults and no one’s perfect, but hey, you can’t expect to be hypocritical and judgmental of others and for everyone to be okay with that because some of us aren’t. I know I’m not. My Facebook account is not only my Facebook account and while I never include sensitive info, my journal is also my journal. If I’ve got something to say in my accounts, I’ll say it. So should others in their accounts WITHOUT questioning the rights of others to do the very same thing in their accounts. :-)

I have gone over and over again in my mind whether or not I should wish Tammy a happy birthday and happy anniversary on Facebook later this week but then decided against it because she hasn’t responded to my last message. She and her fat brats are just too selfish, narcissistic, aggressive, emotional, paranoid, not always very bright, and I don’t want or need that kind of drama in my life. Just like with Andy, I feel there is more negative to positive to being connected with them, and I would rather let that positive go in order to avoid the negative. If they contact me and want to talk, though, then fine. It could be that she hasn’t responded because she’s been sick…as usual.

Interesting info from Bob just now. Do he and Virginia have an enemy or something? I saw him walking out back with his coffee when I went to see what was going on down the street. I asked him if they were replacing the cobblestone and he said he didn’t know. I told him I still can’t believe how much goes on here and then he reached into a bush just beyond where his garage is and said, “Who the hell is breaking these off?”

Apparently, someone’s been going around breaking off branches to one of their bushes. They appeared to have been cut off. He pulled out three of them. Knowing how well he keeps up on his place, they certainly weren’t sticking out into the road so it makes me wonder if they pissed someone off because who would take the time to pick on just that one bush? If they’re picking on others of theirs, I don’t know. If someone is targeting them that would be an ideal bush to pick on because they can’t see back there as easily.

I didn’t find anything funny-looking within our stuff. It just looks bad as usual. Half dead, overgrown shit that we usually have.

I was telling him about Tom’s ear and he said he finally broke down and got hearing aids a while back and I said I would love to trade with them. He laughed and asked if I like tomatoes. He said they’re ripening funny this year and he’ll give me a few over the next few days. I guess they’re half-ripe or something.

It’ll be interesting to get Tom’s take on the branch cutting. Definitely didn’t look like they would fall off and they definitely appeared to be cut. They wouldn’t need a saw to do it. Not sure they could be broken off by hand but pruning shears would do it. I’m not only curious but hoping there’s no senile nutjob doing this that is going to work on our place next, although unlike him, we could use the pruning!

So I talked to Mr. Twenties during the chaos and this isn’t just about filling in sinkholes. Comcast fucked up just like I said they would and knew they would so I could be cursed with having to listen to repairs. They cut some sewer lines and that’s why Roto-Rooter has been around. So it’s a complex situation. I’m sure they’re fucking up the repairs too and that in less than a month I’ll have to listen to this shit all over again. Thank God I’m not trying to sleep now because even with the earbud I would think the vibration would wake me up.

So Jon tells me he’s no longer doing Facebook much because of the way they’re spying on its users. He also complains about selecting not to be tracked yet his browsers track him anyway. As I told him, I don’t care who knows what I do online. Then he says, “I’ve got three strikes against me. I’m a vet. I’m a Christian. And I’m a conservative.”

I guess in his mind he feels this will set him up to be harassed in some way. I joked with him and said well I’ve got marks against me, too. I’m liberal and my family was Jewish. Then he went into this whole speech about how special Jews are and that’s why they’ve been persecuted so much. I guess people are jealous of us Jews that are born with one ear, to bitches like my mother, get to be a ward of the state, get to go through poverty, be sexually hexed, develop annoying and incurable diseases, and have the ultimate sleep curse from hell. Yes, do persecute me for that. I deserve it if I’m going to be that special. rolls eyes

He feels the same way as far as blacks and Muslims go though admits that he has known some blacks who were wonderful. Yeah, I’ve known a few as well. It’s just that the pit bulls far outnumber the Basenjis.

They finally got the bastard that ran him over. He says he’s in jail and will never be able to drive again. They’re awaiting trial. I’m happy for him but couldn’t help but feel a touch of sadness for myself in that I know that had I been the victim, they would still be running around out there never to be held accountable.

I knew it. I just knew it. I was hoping the new daycare job Aly started today would mean she wouldn’t be able to text me while she was there. I said to myself, watch, she’ll probably sneak in a text during lunch or break. Looks like she did just that too, but I’m not going to pick them up until after 1 o’clock my time just like I told her earlier. It would be great if she eventually went to full-time and could text less often. I love her and I love texting. Just not a dozen times a day.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 12, 2018 Been horribly drowsy today even though I slept fine. I suspect my steroid ointment. I probably put too much on and I definitely didn’t wipe afterward.

I’m going to be too tired to do much work on the dollhouse today. So far I only managed to make a pillow that’s barely as big as my pinky fingernail.

Aly starts work part-time at a daycare center tomorrow. Hoping she won’t be able to text me while she’s working. LOL, first I missed hearing from her and now I wish I’d hear from her a little less often. Too much is simply too much. Plus, there’s only so much I can update her on in the course of a few hours or less. I’m sure she’ll find ways to text me during breaks, though, just like Marie would.

Last night I dreamed that Lisa gave a sad “reaction” to something I posted to someone else’s FB wall, signaling to me that she no longer held a grudge against me. Then I learned she was getting married. In the dream, I wondered if she would have kids and noticed her profile picture was incredibly beautiful.

In reality, she could never react to a comment of mine unless she created another account to do it from because I’ve got her blocked as well. I know she would never unblock me either or forgive me for what I did and didn’t do to her. Just the fact that she blocked me around the time I went to Florida told me that much as well as not getting a response to the letter I gave to Tammy to give to her, assuming Tammy really did give it to her. I apologized for what I’m truly guilty of and that’s really all I can do. Her behavior has shown that I’m better off without her in my life. It may not be her fault that she’s bipolar but those are very hard to deal with. All nice and lovey-dovey one minute, then angry, accusatory and paranoid the next. I don’t need that hate and rage in my life. The whole damn family is like one big emotional bomb and I don’t want to get hit by the blast whenever there are explosions.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 11, 2018 Just when I thought it was so nice that I haven’t heard that loud car in a while, it came in at 7:30 a.m. yesterday. I knew it wouldn’t stay away forever but I was hoping for a little more time off.

Been feeling so good lately. I’m sleeping better, I haven’t had any anxiety, I’ve had more energy, and I wish to hell I could always feel this good. Enjoying good movies, listening to good books, and indulging in fun shopping.

Went to Sam’s earlier and stocked up on all kinds of goodies and am slowly putting together the dollhouse kit. It’s difficult to see the tiny pieces but I’m working on it little by little. Gluing the items can be a bit tricky. One of the flower vases is literally a diamond-shaped bead.

Painting the horse family, too. Papa horse is black, Mama horse is gray, and the baby horse is brown.

FRIDAY, AUGUST 10, 2018 Yesterday was annoying but not maddening. That might not be until Monday and Tuesday when they’re paving right by the house. Only that’s not as loud as the grinding they did down the street. I went out back out and saw them on Tandy and Blucher and those who lived in that area probably would have found it bordering on maddening.

After this is done I’m sure there’ll just be something else within a month or so. This place definitely holds the record as far as roadwork, home renovations/services, landscaping and loud traffic goes.

I’m glad I’m on days on account of this latest chaos but my schedule otherwise sucks for today because I’ll be crashing right before the groceries are delivered as well as my dollhouse and paint kits.

Tom is going to be looking into getting a new doctor nearby with Sutter and getting a second opinion on his ear. Where I had horrible doctors when I was with Sutter and I have good ones with Mercy, it seems to be the other way around with him. His Sutter doctors were okay but his Mercy doctors have been a joke. It’s so true too, that a doctor can be good for one but bad for another. My ENT has been great with me but she and the woman he saw the other day have been passing him back and forth like a football insisting that they need to see the other doctor first and then the non-ENT doctor finally said she never heard of anyone with his type of problem. So it’s obviously about money and they may have even misdiagnosed him as well. Never heard of his case? Come on, you gotta either be dumb as fuck or pretty damn inexperienced not to. Furthermore, it’s pretty fucking sad that we seem to have to go through a few doctors before we finally get one that helps us. Shouldn’t any doctor be able to do that no matter who we may or may not have seen before?

I was reading back on the time when I was most into Nane and a part of me misses having a Nane to look forward to. The way I would eagerly check for anything she might have sent while I slept when I would first get up; I kind of miss that. I don’t miss how upset I would get when I wouldn’t hear from her for a while. I could almost slap myself for that one. That was silly. Especially since she was someone I never met face-to-face. Okay, so the people online may still be just as human as they are offline but still…

All I remember for dreams last night was being with this medium-sized dog that might have been my parents. I’m not sure what breed it was but it snarled at me, and although I wasn’t afraid of it, I closed it in a bedroom. The bed was in the room to begin with but when I later went in there, the dog was still there but the bed wasn’t. I looked up at the ceiling and noticed marks on it that I’d never noticed before. Then I threw the dog a cookie but instead of the cookie landing on the floor, it literally began flying around the room.

THURSDAY, AUGUST 9, 2018 The “blood sun” that’s visible in the early part of the day due to the wildfires, which are now the largest in California’s history, is a bit spooky. Firefighters from New Zealand and Australia have come over to help fight it. I can sometimes smell faint traces of smoke when I’m outside. It’s a damn good thing we didn’t move to Redding! When considering places upon coming down from Oregon, Redding was one of the places we considered.

Tom’s appointment yesterday turned out to be a waste of $30 because he was told they don’t have a hearing aid for his type of distortion. And they couldn’t tell him this before because…???

So I guess it’s back to the ENT to be rendered deaf in that ear. They inject some chemical into the nerve. He would rather not hear at all in that ear than for there to be so much annoying distortion and ringing. He still wonders if there’s something else wrong that they may have missed, something with the nerve.

I wouldn’t mind a little deafness myself with what’s about to go down here in the park. My God, I am so fucking sick of all the daytime noise here! Today, as well as Monday and Tuesday, they’re going to be grinding and repaving parts of nearby roads. It’s just one thing after another and it totally gets old. It will only be a matter of days too, before the next project. This is easily the noisiest place I’ve ever lived. Not even the nights are always quiet when you’ve got so many planes running around up there. I’m just dumbfounded by all the noise being in an adult community of all places. I lived in Phoenix for 6 years and only once did they do roadwork there. But this is the 4th or 5th time in the 5 years we’ve been here. Plus there’s still the daily landscaping that should be only once a week like most places, and there have also been more home renovations/services in the 5 years I’ve been here than in all the places I’ve lived in combined. I won’t get into how many loud vehicles I have to deal with as well. Sure, I’ve got headphones I could throw on but I shouldn’t have to live that way, especially in a place like this. I really thought retirement communities were quiet and maybe some of them are. Just not this one. Probably still have another half a decade to go before he retires, but we’re both definitely looking forward to that day and moving to a warmer climate somewhere. Quiet is hard to get these days so I’ll settle for warmer and cheaper.

Decided to pull my stuff off of Amazon and hang that endeavor up because it’s just not worth working so hard for so little. The only way to make serious money as an author is to be either famous or infamous. Well, I’m never going to be either one of those and I don’t want to be either. Will definitely keep doing it for fun, though, and share some stories on various sites.

The only recent dream I remember is suddenly discovering that I was super flexible. Despite so much going on here, the new sleeping earbuds have allowed me to sleep better overall which means I’m remembering fewer dreams. But yeah, I was showing someone how I could squat really low and do the scissor splits, LOL. But I could only do the splits if I pressed my body against the leg that was extended in front of me.

I’m totally excited for my first DIY dollhouse kit which will be here tomorrow, along with a miniature family of horses and paints. They’re like the miniature animals I collect only you paint them yourself. There are two adult horses and a colt.

We went to Safeway yesterday and today we ordered groceries online. Their prices are outrageous!

As we were on our way back yesterday some cock nearly sideswiped us and I was reminded once again just how angry and disgusted I am with society in general. Tom feels the way I do although he doesn’t hate certain groups in the way I do or anything like that. He feels that most people are just dumb, annoying and highly incompetent no matter who/what they are. True, but I still think some tend to be worse, just like the pit bull tends to be more aggressive than the poodle.

So many things are wrong in the world. So many things neither of us can comprehend as to why people don’t see it nor do something about it. Florida declined to do the right thing by banning loud car stereos because it’s considered “freedom of expression.”

What the fuck is wrong with people? Really, just what the fuck is wrong with them?! So people who are woken up at 3 in the morning are supposed to just laugh, roll over and tell themselves that’s just people expressing themselves? It’s okay to piss people off as long as you express yourself through music and not with certain words?

Seriously, why are these things still legal? Why are dogs treated better than people as to date there is no assisted suicide in all states for the terminally ill? Why aren’t women paid as much as men? Why don’t the cops keep a database of all license numbers and have a device set up to disable any vehicles they wish to stop rather than endanger innocent bystanders on high-speed chases? Why aren’t these simple, obvious things in existence? And why do we have so many sick, twisted, unfair and totally wrong things in existence that shouldn’t be?

When Tom was agreeing that the pigs should have such a thing as disabling cars, he said, “Don’t freak out, but the power company could turn our AC off.”

Apparently, if there’s a heatwave or something they can cycle everyone’s AC off for about 15 minutes at a time so it would only go up about a degree in here, and they would even have to pay us. I can sort of see why they might do this but I’m not sure I like the idea because it makes me feel controlled and like a kid all over again with others deciding how I use my own things and when.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 7, 2018 The sun has never looked so red here. I’m guessing it has to do with the wildfires further north.

Using the schedule predictor program, I was able to reschedule my endo appointment. It worked great and it’s a really awesome program. The only problem is that now I have to wait till October 15th but oh well. It’s not like it’s an emergency.

I’m back to voice blogging on Tumblr using Vocaroo’s recorder. I don’t know how long that will last but we’ll see. There’s another online recorder I would have preferred to use that sounds better and snips any silent sections but it literally takes forever to download.

I’m sitting here going back and forth in my mind as to whether or not I should publish any more books because I’m just never going to make any real money that way. There are simply too many books out there despite so many people not being able to write very well and lacking interest in reading. It really does seem like you have to be famous or infamous in order to make sales.

Then something hit me. If the Revenge story ever reaches anyone that “inspired” it, particularly the black bitch, I could very well become infamous. I just know that had the internet been what it is now 18 years ago, I would have been trending everywhere, as sick, sad, twisted and unfair as it may be (though I wonder how many would’ve wondered why something so petty was getting the same attention murderers and celebrities get as opposed to automatically siding with blacks). That would have generated a huge amount of sales at least for a while. It would be my shit luck to make sales after I was dead, too.

I would appreciate it if the story not only reached the intended readers but was also kept between us as it always should have been but I would rather it reach them and become infamous in death than for it not to reach them and nothing to happen. If I don’t die till my late 70s, though, there’s no saying how many of them may still be around but sooner or later the story is definitely going to be out there either way just like their “story” on me is out there. And there it will remain forever for when we delete things they’re never really deleted. I’m going to spread it like wildfire on as many sites as I can that may be available at the time, reducing the chances of it not being publicly and easily accessible somewhere even if some sites take it down. We’ll either kill ourselves together someday or I’ll kill myself alone because he died unexpectedly and I’ll launch it before this happens, or I’ll simply schedule it. I’ll probably schedule it at some point regardless for a date that we’ll both definitely be gone in case we’re both suddenly killed in a car crash or something. No way I’m going to live till I’m 85 or 90 so I might do it for that time. It just depends. It’s too soon to make any plans as far as that goes but it will definitely be out there someday unless we’re both suddenly killed in a car accident or a meteorite falls on our heads today.

Still watching the Forensic Files and still not understanding why they don’t keep rapists in jail forever. Better yet, why they don’t kill them? They’re not changeable, redeemable, or curable in any way. No rapist could possibly be set free after doing jail time and expected not to rape again unless they either become disabled or a would-be victim stops them. So why do we let them return to society just to repeat their crimes and oftentimes even worse when they graduate to murder? Just do the right thing, for God’s sake, and kill the bastards!

I’m worried about Aly right now because she and Jase are fighting. If they break up, she won’t be coming out here. There’s no way she can afford an apartment of her own or to travel anywhere given how much debt she says she’s in. Well, I hope for her sake that they’re able to move on. Especially now that they’re getting older. He’s all upset because a childhood friend of his committed suicide and he’s pushing Aly away, who’s sleeping in the guest room. Not a very great way to handle things. I know you can’t make people talk and that they have to be given some space at times and be allowed to open up on their own terms when they’re ready to, but that just doesn’t seem like a very nice guy to do something like that.

MONDAY, AUGUST 6, 2018 My GYN finally contacted me online to say that I don’t have any bacterial or yeast infections. Again, I have mixed emotions about that. I may have a medication phobia but a part of me wishes it was an infection because then I could get rid of it along with more of the irritation with antibiotics.

Amazingly, I haven’t gained back all my weight. Just three of the five pounds I lost. I know I’ll never get under the 150s but I’ve been slacking off, so back to mostly veggies and a lot of walking!

Took the bike out just after midnight and the for-sale sign at Ray’s house doesn’t say it’s sold yet but the lights were on inside and the drapes were parted when I rode by and could see that their built-in bookcase was empty. I caught a glimpse of Ray on his patio, probably smoking a cigarette. By the time I looped around the circle, went down to the lake and back, then returned to the circle, the light was still on but the drapes were closed and Ray was inside. Get outa here you grumpy, gossiping, delusional old fart!

Sometimes I get bored and wish for something to break up the monotony. Even when you really enjoy doing the things you do, doing them every day with little to no variety thrown in can get old. Yet as excited as I am for Aly’s upcoming visit and our Hawaiian vacation, I get more worried due to the fact that my schedule gets harder and harder to control with time. I used to have some control over it but now I have virtually none.

I’ll have to reschedule Dr. O for sure. I’d like to think I’m not going to get anxious ever again and that I could just cancel her and never see her again, but I know that’s not realistic. I expect the anxiety to get me anytime now since I’ve been taking the medication consistently for almost a month. I learned years ago not to think I’m over anything for good. My heart may not have raced me awake in quite a while so there are a few things that do seem to be a thing of the past, but it was only a couple of months ago that I was last anxious.

Walmart should be calling both of our doctors today with refill requests.

The schedule thing is a definite curse from above if there is anything up there and definitely life-debilitating. More so than any other problem I’ve had. Not that I ever plan to find out but I can just imagine how much harder it would be for me to survive half a year in jail in this day and age with the way it’s not only gotten harder to control my schedule but harder for me to deal with being short on sleep. Plus, there are health issues I didn’t have before. I shudder to think of women incarcerated going through similar health issues.

I worry about the future. I know I shouldn’t keep doing this year after year but I do. I can’t help but wonder how we’re going to manage in the end. I don’t drive, I can’t keep a schedule, so where does that leave me? I know self-driving cars are likely to be a thing when we’re old but I still worry in general. I worry about how I would handle additional health issues and appointments and I especially worry about who would be there for us if we were really suffering and disabled. Neither of us would ever want to be in a nursing home any more than we’d ever want to be in jail. Even nursing homes require schedules and even if they would be a helluva lot more understanding when it came to circadian rhythm disorder than any jail would be, still… I couldn’t just sleep there whenever.

The only dream I remember last night was Bob and Virginia being over here and me worried that Virginia would freak out because the rats were loose.

They had a dog name Rosa and Bob joked about going home and kicking the shit out of her, something I’m sure he would never say in real life, of course, much less actually do.

I can tell Aly’s depression is picking up and with the way she whined on Twitter about no one being around that she’s reached out to and questioning life, friendship and the genuineness of people, I wonder if I’m on the verge of being dumped again. But you know what? If I am, I am. I know that as smart as she may be she’s not always very stable. Also, I’ve learned from experience that being dumped a second time by the same person doesn’t have the same impact the initial dumping has. In other words, I wouldn’t bother to try to keep the friendship going if there was another fallout with her or Kim. While I definitely want to remain friends, I ain’t going to fight for shit if she ever lets me go again. I won’t troll her but I won’t “work” to get her back either. Not saying that’s going to happen but she’s definitely having a rough time of it now.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 5, 2018 Damn this park! Just damn it to hell and back. The next loud, annoying project that I’ll have to listen to that’s going to last for days will be from the 9th to the 13th. When they filled in the holes they made when they dug for the new irrigation system, they sunk a bit so they’re going to be fixing those. The only two good things are that I’ll be up during that time so there’s no risk of being woken up, and they’re not going to be grinding the street in back of us. There are others they’re going to be grounding so I’m sure I’ll still hear it and plenty more as tons of loud vehicles roar by.

I’m surprised they’re not going to do the section between us and the Twenties because there are a couple of dips there from when they filled in holes after the Internet upgrade. I always avoid them when biking through there, not so much because they’re dangerous but because they’re annoying.

Last night I bashed the Walmart on Auburn Boulevard on both Google and Yelp. We wasted half an hour shopping just to find one of the aisles was closed because it was being mopped. The guy wouldn’t even let me get the items I needed. Fed up with part of the store being closed, the blasting music, the shelf stockers in the way, we left and went to Raley’s instead. They played music too, but not as loud. Also, the workers obstructed only one aisle.

“Where are we going to shop from now on?” I asked. “Raley’s is pretty expensive.”

So Tom did a little research and we’re going to try Safeway’s delivery service. We’ve seen them delivering for some people in the park. They used to deliver for Jackie when she was here.

Last night I dreamed that Arizona and California were the same state, though I don’t know what it was called. Some neighbor somewhere was annoying me with engine gunning and I guess I was back on probation because Scott was really into the idea of me becoming the lead singer for a band that was managed by people he knew. I thought it was rather interesting too, since he never heard me sing.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 4, 2018 I’m not too tired tonight but sure enough, the fucking earbud loosened and the garbage truck woke me up. I swear it’s like something wants me to be woken up no matter what I do.

My lab tests were finally posted and one particular type of bacteria was detected but it seems to be a “friendly” bacteria. It’s called Lactobacillus. Nothing’s been posted on Mercy but since no one’s called me or anything, I’m not worried about it. It doesn’t seem to be anything that requires treatment.

Had a couple of detailed dreams last night that I remember well. I had three baby rats and noticed they were getting bigger. The cage they lived in didn’t look anything like the one I have and I noticed there was a gap on the bottom large enough for one of them to squeeze through, and one did. It was a cute rat with skunk-like markings that I called Skunky. I picked it up and gave it kisses which it returned on my chin. I put it back inside the cage, looked away for a minute, and saw it had escaped again while I turned away. So I put “Skunky” back in the cage and looked for something to block the gap with.

Then I had another Florida dream. They’ve been awfully frequent lately for not moving there for half a decade or so. It certainly makes me wonder but I still don’t see what opportunity would come up to cause us to move sooner.

Anyway, I was talking to an older lady that was in her sixties who was making me a skirt. I told her I wanted the waist kind of big because I didn’t like anything too tight-fitting. She seemed to think this was silly and began to argue at first but then stopped.

We seemed to be in a public place and were sitting in what might have been a booth in a restaurant. I slid into the booth next to her and said, “Let’s enjoy the view.” But the view was a mini waterfall or stream of sorts instead of any kind of ocean, lake or pond.

Then she asked me why we moved there and I told her for the variety. “I’ve done four seasons, I’ve done the desert, I’ve done the in-between climates, and now I’m doing tropical.”

Then I asked her if it was common for most places to have nice views and if apartments tended to be noisy.

FRIDAY, AUGUST 3, 2018 Wasn’t going to do an entry tonight but then said what the hell? I was up forever and finally took a Melatonin. I slept shitty on and off for the next 10 hours. Traffic didn’t wake me up. I just kept waking up on my own. One time I got up to pee and mentally went through the dreams I remembered having. But by the time I got up for good, I forgot them all. Oh well. Happens sometimes.

The huge five-hour jump in schedule is a little worrisome even though Tom says not to worry about it. But I’ve been having more insomnia lately and it’s been harder to control my schedule when I actually want to and that worries me a bit for Hawaii if we really do go. At least I still sleep better when on days…usually.

Took the bike out, first going around the circle, TV blasting as usual at the house across from Bob and Virginia, then down to the lake and back for one more loop around the circle. The weather was gorgeous. I only saw one vehicle that was pulling out from in front of the clubhouse which was a bit weird since that and the office closes by 6:00. Maybe it was one of the maintenance workers or something. They followed me back up to the corner here but didn’t enter the circle. I love it when there are no cars so I can go barreling down the hills. I still have to break a little bit when going around corners just in case someone’s coming, which sort of slows me down when coming back uphill, so it’s a definite workout for my legs!

So I got up, exchanged texts with my bestie, then later Kim, and found my first perfume atomizer waiting for me. It’s Light Blue. I’ve had this before but it’s a good one. Very strong and spicy-smelling. I give it about an 8 or 9 on a scale of 1 to 10. Great travel size for when we go on trips. The gold atomizer is nice and the large perfume vial is removable so the atomizer can be refilled. It’s supposed to be a 30-day supply so we’ll see how long it lasts if I spray myself once on the wrist and once on the chest each day all month.

I’m all excited about these DIY kits I accidentally discovered on Amazon where you build little dollhouses of sorts. They’re not for dolls or anything. They’re just 3D decorative miniature rooms of various kinds. They have whole houses, bedrooms, offices, coffee shops, greenhouses, art studios and much more. They’re very inexpensive as well. I’m going to start with a $25 dome house, which is predominantly pink, my favorite color, and has a rotating musical base. I guess it takes an average of 20 hours to assemble it. It should be way fun! It has LED lights in it so if you do a bedroom that has a chandelier or a lamp, it lights up. It basically looks like any room or home would look like that was lit up at night.

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 1, 2018 The only dreams I remember last night had to do with asking somebody to get me an inhaler. Then these two young girls that I would often pass by on the street when out walking told me that every time I pass by them I’m wearing the same shirt. It seemed to be some gray shirt with writing on it and unlike anything I would actually wear. I told them maybe next time I would surprise them with something different.

In real life, last night’s blood moon was pretty cool when I was out riding my bike. I wasn’t content to stick to the circle so I went down to the lake and back.

Got my white chocolate mocha tea today and it’s weird as hell. Going to give it to Aly to try when I see her. She’s just a few months away now, which is pretty damn exciting!

Even though I’m definitely not going to lose any more than the five pounds I’ve lost, I’m going to keep up with the puzzle walking because that way I at least know I’m getting enough exercise and I’m not likely to put the lost weight back on easily.

Checked out my childhood home, which was next to my maternal grandparents on Google Maps and was blown away by what I saw. There used to be woods behind our houses in the 70s that extended quite a ways, like several blocks or so. There are still some trees behind our place but gone are the woods behind Nana and Pa’s place where Pa used to dump his lawn mower clippings. Now it’s someone else’s backyard and there’s a dividing fence between the yards. They appear to have extended the dead end, as were most of the streets off of Frank Smith, back further. The one behind us. Huge mansions are now present that make our house look puny.

Nana and Papa would not like it at all. Now, instead of looking out their den window at their backyard and the woods just beyond, they would see their backyard, a wall, and the tops of houses beyond it. I can just imagine how much noisier it must have gotten, too. The bulldozing of all those trees, which is kind of sad, and the erecting of the new house and wall must have provided plenty of noise for the neighbors as it was. I can also imagine what the place will look like in another 40 years. I would guess that eventually the yards will be mostly gone and the houses will be just a few feet apart like they tend to be in the West.

It turns out that all the company at the Twenties’ place had to do with their church group visiting which they said would be every other Tuesday. Not a thrilling thing to know that 7 or 8 vehicles are going to be here that often, but if I didn’t look out and see them, I probably never would have noticed because they were pretty quiet about it.

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messers-moony · 3 years ago

Text

King and Queen | S.B

Paring: Sirius Black X Fem!Potter!Reader, James Potter X Fem!Twin!Reader

Summary: James goes through a lot during his time at Hogwarts but his sister is always by his side.

Inspiration: Click

A/N: If this comes off insensitive to anyone please let me know and I will remove this.

James Potter was a handful. From the minute he was born, he had this gleam in his hazel eyes that raged and burned with trouble. His twin, Y/n Potter, was almost the opposite. The soft smile that laid on her features and the glitter of calamity in her eyes. Euphemia and Fleamont were in for a lot the minute their twins were born.

Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder is most comparative to having a web browser up with one too many tabs. James had always been unable to focus and was naturally messy. Truth be told, he thought it was normal, just as everyone else did. It wasn’t until his second year at Hogwarts did he realize something was genuinely wrong with him.

Remus told him that he had this muggle thing called “dyslexia,” which was a difficulty in interpreting words, letters, and other symbols. However, it never affected his overall intelligence because everyone knew that Remus Lupin was indeed and wholly brilliant. It got James wondering, did his inability to focus, be organized, and hyperactivity have a deeper meaning?

His twin - Y/n - was quite the opposite. She made quick friends with Remus, Sirius, and Peter, who were close friends of her twin. Y/n was top of their class, creating a friendly competition with Remus, but she was always able to focus. Often she would hyper-focus, which would leave her working for over five hours at a time without realizing it. In those times, James would have to snap her out of it.

Over the summer, James expressed his concerns to his parents. He was talking about how this could be a real issue he’s facing using Remus’ dyslexia as an example. Eventually, they gave in, letting James go to a muggle doctor. James had to fill out a questionnaire that would come back with his results in one week. That week was probably the longest week of his life. Nonetheless, his test results had come back positive.

Fleamont and Euphemia would be lying if they were surprised. After hearing about the disorder, it was almost the definition of their eldest son. Fortunately for James, the muggles had come up with a cure - no, not a cure - dammit, what was it again?

Impede the symptoms! That’s what those muggle pills do. James was required to take two pills a day, one in the morning and once at night. Y/n was in charge of making sure he did so because - more times than he’d like to admit - he would forget everything if it wasn’t for Y/n.

In third year, James was as energetic as ever while getting on the Hogwarts Express, “Aren’t you excited, Y/n?!”

She chuckled, “Yes, but Merlin, you don’t need to literally jump with joy.”

“But I’m excited!”

“I know that.”

They made their way to the compartment that held Remus, who was reading a book. James sat in front of him while Y/n took her seat beside Remus, “‘Ello Remus.”

“Hey, Potter pair.”

Y/n sighed, and James groaned, “That nickname needs to go away.”

“I quite like it.” Remus stated smugly, “Suits you both.”

“What’s that suppose to mean?” Y/n accused falsely, “It means that wherever one of you are, the other isn’t that far behind.” Remus replied.

James had zoned out already, and Y/n snapped in his face, “Take your pills?”

“Forgot.” James muttered guiltily, “Oh Godric.” She whispered.

“Pills?”

“James went to a muggle doctor this summer.”

Remus quirked an eyebrow, “Did you now?”

“Got diagnosed with ADHD.” James informed, and Remus looked amiss, “Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder.”

“Ah, I’ve heard of that.” Remus said, and James smiled sheepishly, “I feel kinda odd, like out of place.”

“Why?”

“Dunno, just, why can't I be normal?”

“You are normal, James.” Y/n reassured, “And anyone who says differently obviously doesn’t care about you.”

The compartment door slammed open, “Who doesn’t care about who?”

Remus snorted, “Ever the dramatics, huh, mate?”

“‘Course.” Sirius flopped down beside James, “It comes with my charm and devilishly good looks.”

“Ah, yes.” Y/n said, chuckling, “Don’t you see how I’m swooning for you?”

The back of her palm was against her forehead, “Come off it.” James swatted at her and then elbowed Sirius, “Better not make my sister swoon.”

Sirius chuckled and shrugged, “Can’t help it. I’m just that irresistible.”

The four of them laughed at Sirius’ dramatics and continued talking about the new term. Remus and Y/n were talking about books they couldn’t wait to read. Remus was even kind enough to gift her some muggle books he bought over the summer holiday. Sirius and James bickered about what pranks to do this year, along with which ones were better.

Third-year was fun. It was a year of flooding corridors, turning Slytherin robes red and blasting music in the common room after a Gryffindor victory. James was a brilliant Quidditch Chaser, and Y/n was a fantastic Seeker. Nothing was quite like the Potter pair. Something about them was just unforgettable.

Maybe that’s why Sirius was so fond of her. Something about the Potters made people around them smile on the hardest of days. They made sure that every moment was a night to remember. Every memory was worth reliving. So adventurous, so reckless, yet so kind and loving.

By the time fifth year rolled around, Sirius Orion Black had fallen off a cliff into a lake called love. Sirius completely submerged himself in love for Y/n Potter. The younger twin by just 20 minutes, but something about her was so divine. Was it her silk and glittering h/c hair? No - maybe it was her gleaming e/c eyes. Perhaps it was for her strive for adventure and extreme kindness.

Nonetheless, Sirius fell hard.

And who better to tell than James Potter himself?

Causally - as usual - Sirius opened the door to the Marauders dorm. It was empty aside from the brunet boy with glasses on the bridge of his nose. His hazel eyes were focused on a textbook - Potions textbook - maybe it was to impress Lily. Sirius couldn’t care less, so he pulled the chair out in front of the desk and sat before James.

“Mate, I need your help.”

“Running from Filch?”

“No. Something- Something worse.”

“Something worse?” The textbook shut loudly.

Sirius nodded, “Way worse.”

“Alright then, come into my office.” James teased, and Sirius grinned.

It was silent, “I’m in love with your sister.”

James sputtered, “Excuse me?”

“I’m in love with Y/n.”

“No, no.” James waved his hand horizontally, “I heard you.”

“Then what else would you like me to say?” Sirius asked.

“Literally anything else.”

“Sorry, mate.” Sirius muttered, “I- I really didn’t mean to.”

James chuckled and wiped his hand across his face, “I suppose you can’t really stop love, huh?”

“You really can’t.” Sirius agreed, “I tried. I promise I tried.”

“It’s not that big of a deal late.” James assured, and Sirius looked at him with wide eyes, “I trust you just-“

“Just?”

“I’m worried about her.” James completed, “I- I worry about her every night.”

Sirius softened, “It’s like you with Regulus-“ James continued before Sirius could interject, “And don’t pretend. Your silencing charms are bloody terrible.”

“I know you still care for Regulus, you worry about him every night, and I do the same for Y/n, except my silencing charms are better.” James teased sightly, “I trust you, Sirius. You’re the brother I never got but always wanted. You know, the brother I can play Quidditch with, rough around with, the brother who’s just as sneaky and mischievous as I.”

“But Y/n is still my blood. She's my twin, my best friend, my partner in crime. She was the mind behind my pranks before Remus.” James elaborated and then smirked, “Remus and Y/n make a great team, ya’ know?”

“They are quite brilliant.”

“Anyway, what I’m trying to say is, take care of her?” James looked like the eleven-year-old boy again, “Don’t make her a fling and don’t make this temporary.”

“Y/n is a strong woman, and she isn’t for weak men. I’ll be honest,” James chuckled, “She doesn’t need a man. She doesn’t even really need me. I need her more than she needs me. Regardless, take care of her. She deserves a man worthy of her. Someone that’ll get her ice cream at 4 a.m. because she’s craving it. Someone that’ll go on sporadic trips with her. Someone that’ll understand that after a hard day, all she wants is a book and coffee.”

Sirius was appalled; he’d never seen James look so passionate, “Growing up, mum always told me to be a gentleman. I know it may not seem like it sometimes, but she always raised me as one. To hold a door for them, push and push in their chairs for them, give them my jacket even if I’ll freeze.”

“Those kinda things. Dad said I should practice on Y/n, and I did. From then, Y/n always got treated like a queen, and she deserves no less. I won't lie, my parents treat me like a king too, and I don’t want any less either.” James explained, “Be the king that’s worthy of my sister.”

“That’s all I ask of you.”

Sirius nodded, “I’d be honored to serve her as my queen.”

“And if you show her no less, she’ll spit you out like chewing gum.”

He shuttered, “I hate how accurate that phrase is.”

James laughed, “I know her more than you think.”

By sixth year they were dating. Sirius would be lying if he wasn’t eternally shitting himself when Y/n said yes to going to Hogsmeade with him, alone, as a date. In fact, James almost wanted to throw him a party for finally not being a little bitch and asking out his sister. This party consisted of a bottle of firewhiskey and chocolate because that’s all that was in the boy's dormitory. But a party nonetheless.

When Lily rejected James for the last time before graduation, he was utterly heartbroken. He’d spent and dedicated seven years of his life to this gorgeous woman. Despite all his efforts and all his charms, she still wasn’t interested. James tried. He really tried. He wanted Lily so bad. His heart broke when she said her final words of goodbye.

“I’m sorry, Potter. Maybe in another life, just not this one.”

Tears had ebbed at the corner of his eyes as he made his way back into the castle from the Black Lake. In the common room, where he felt like he had just got dowsed in water. James made his way to the girl's dormitory. His hand curled into a fist and knocked lightly on the wooden door. Shuffling was heard from the other side, and the door finally opened, revealing his sister.

Without warning, James crashed into her arms, forcing his nose in the crook of her neck, “Woah.”

“Are you okay, James?”

His body shook with sobs as he shook his head no, “It’s okay. Let’s go lay down, okay?”

Gently she led him to her bed. He curled up beneath the navy blue comforter and placed his head on the silk pillow sheets. If he tried hard enough, he could forget the way Lily’s hair smelt today or the way her green eyes glistened in the sun. Now engulfed in his sister's scent, trying to remove every feeling for Lily possible, he dug his nose deeper into the comforter.

Y/n sat beside him, her back to the headboard, and ran her fingers through James’ already untied hair, “What's got you so worked up?”

“It’s done.”

“What’s done?”

“L- Lily and I.” James choked, “She- She really doesn’t want me.”

A new wave of tears overcame him, and Y/n continued to try and soothe him, “Well, she’s a tosser.”

James narrowed his eyes, “James, you know I love her. She's my best friend, but if she can’t see what’s right in front of her, then she’s an idiot.”

“Can I- Can I stay here tonight?” He asked hesitantly.

“You sure you don’t want me to stay at your dorm?” Y/n questioned, “Because you know who sleeps here.”

“Will you stay with me?”

“Till the end.”

After a couple of minutes, Y/n and James made their way down the steps to the boy's side. They walked up more steps and finally made it to the boy's dormitory. James collapsed on his bed in the left corner of the room, and Sirius perked up at seeing his girlfriend enter the room.

“Whatcha doin’ here, love?”

“Staying with my brother.”

Sirius nodded and stood up to hug her, gently pecking her forehead, “If you guys need anything, let me know, ‘kay?”

“Thanks, Siri.”

Gently Y/n pulled back the maroon curtain and sat down beside him again. James reached for her hand and intertwined their fingers. Something they used to do as kids. When a thunderstorm would go by, James would always seek sanctuary in his sister's comfort.

He fell asleep that night, knowing he was safe, loved, and knew that someone cared about him. Even if Lily didn’t love him, at least someone else did. He had his boys, and he had his sister. Right now, that’s all he needed beside him: Screw Lily and her idiot decision skills. Y/n was right; she was a complete tosser.

When Hogwarts was over, James and Y/n got a flat together. Sirius, Remus, and Peter got one only a floor above. Realistically this wasn’t the plan. James always planned to buy a house with Lily, but he was still healing, and after everything going on, it was vital for him to hold his sister close to him.

Euphemia and Fleamont barely lived to see their children graduate. Not too long afterward had died due to the horrid dragon pocks. It devastated both twins and Sirius. While Sirius wasn’t their true child, he very well could’ve. Euphemia noticed Sirius’s lingering stares on Y/n and the loopy smile that graced his features.

She was the one who got Sirius to man up. She was the one who gave him advice. She was the one who told him what books were her favorite, which chocolate she liked the best, her favorite quills. Euphemia was one of the main components in getting Sirius to date her daughter, and when it finally happened, the parents couldn’t have been happier.

James’ ADHD still remained even in his adulthood, making regular everyday tasks much harder and twice as long. Most of the time, the pills were able to help him complete those tasks. But sometimes, when Y/n wasn’t there to remind him, he would miss his days. When Y/n got home from work, she had barely taken off her shoes to see the apartment spotless.

It was a pleasant surprise, but James was never really one to clean, not that she really minded, but the apartment didn’t have a speck of dust on it. Hesitantly she put her keys on the island along with her bag.

“James!”

“Yes, Y/n?”

He appeared in the kitchen where Y/n was, “Um, did you clean the apartment?”

“Yes, I did!” James nodded enthusiastically.

Y/n sighed and gave her brother a sweet smile, “What did you not do today?”

“So, you know how you told me to go to the pharmacy?”

“Mhm.” Y/n nodded, “Indeed I do.”

“Well, they were out of my meds.” James informed, “I have to wait a week.”

“Oh, Merlin.”

“On the bright side!” James was already causing her a headache, “It’s gonna be a fantastic week! I’ve got so many things planned for us! We’re gonna go-“

James continued to ramble as Y/n grabbed her keys, bag and slipped back on her shoes, “I’m going to Sirius’!”

“Thought you were my sister.” James faked pouting, and Y/n smiled, “I love you, but you’re crazy.”

“I love you too!” He yelled as she closed the door.

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sineala · 4 years ago

Note

How would you say fandom culture has changed over the years? What are some differences you notice between older and younger fandom folks?

I’ve been thinking for a while about how to answer this, and I’m not sure I have a really good answer, but I’m going to try.

I’ve been in fandom since approximately 1995. Maybe 1994. At that point, the world wide web was a relatively new part of the internet, and the fandoms I was in had most of their activity on privately-hosted mailing lists (predating eGroups/OneList/Yahoo Groups) and on Usenet newsgroups, with fiction beginning to be available on websites as part of either fandom-specific or pairing-specific archives as well as authors’ individual pages. Fanfiction.net did not yet exist. LiveJournal did not exist. AO3 definitely did not exist. If you wanted real-time chat, there was IRC. I was coming in basically at the tail end of zine fandom; zines were no longer the only way of distributing fanfiction, as fandom started to move online. So I have a selection of zines from 90s-era Western media fandoms but even by then zines weren’t where I was doing most of my reading.

I think in terms of generally “what it was like to be in fandom,” the big-picture stuff hasn’t changed. Fandom still produces creative fanwork and likes to, y’know, get together and talk about fandom. Also, almost every fight or complaint that fandom has about something is a thing that has been going on for actual years. People complain that, say, the kudos button is ruining comment culture because back in the LJ days the only way you could comment on a story was, well, by leaving an actual comment, or sending an email on a mailing list, and this might mean that people who would have otherwise commented have left a kudos instead. But back in the LJ and mailing list days, people were complaining that commenting was going downhill since the days of zines, when in order to comment on a story you had to write a real paper letter and mail it and because you had to do that, the quality of feedback was so much better than you got nowadays because people could just dash off a quick email or comment. You get the idea. Top/bottom wars are not new either. Pairing wars are not new. If you’ve been in fandom a while, you will pretty much have seen all the fights already. I think one thing that is new, though, is the fandom awareness of things like privilege and intersectionality and various -isms, as well as things like “providing warnings might be nice” (do you know how much unwarned deathfic I have read? a lot!) and I sure won’t say we’re perfect at any of this now, but I think fandom is trying way way more about all that stuff than it used to.

There are some fights we actually don’t have anymore, as far as I can tell. I feel like it’s been years since I’ve seen the “real person fiction is wrong” battle, but also I don’t hang out in a whole lot of RPF fandoms, so it’s possible that’s still going and I just don’t see it.

There also used to be a recurring debate about whether gay relationships that were canonical were slash or not. When slash started, obviously this wasn’t a question because there weren’t canonical gay relationships in fandoms, period. But as gay characters began to appear in media, people started to wonder “does slash mean all same-sex relationships, or does slash mean only non-canonical same-sex relationships?” Now, you may be reading this and think that sounds like an incredibly weird thing to get hung up on, but that’s because what appears to have happened is that the term “ship” (originally from X-Files Mulder/Scully fandom) has, as far as I can tell, come up and eaten most of the rest of the terminology. Now people will just say, “oh, I ship that.” For any pairing, gay or not, canonical or not. Fandom seems to have decided that for the most part it no longer actually needs a term specific to same-sex relationships as a genre.

Similarly, there are a few genres of fic that we used to have also pretty much don’t exist anymore. There are also plenty of genres that are well-entrenched now that are also extremely recent -- A/B/O comes to mind. But there are some kinds of fic we don’t write a lot of now. Like, I haven’t seen smarm in years! I also haven’t seen We’re Not Gay We Just Love Each Other in a while. There was also a particular style of slash writing where you’d basically have to explain, in detail, what made you think that these particular characters could be anything other than straight. You’d have to motivate this decision. You’d have to look at their canonical heterosexual relationships and come up with a way to explain why all those had happened in order to reconcile how this one guy could have romantic feelings for another guy. When had he figured out he wasn’t straight? Who might he have been with before? How does he interact with people in ways that make you think he’s not straight? That kind of thing. You had to, essentially, show your work. And these days a lot of fanfic is just like, “Okay, Captain America is bisexual, let’s go!” It’s... different.

Fandom also used to skew older, is my sense. A lot older. I don’t know, actually, if it really was older, but I get the sense now that there are some younger people who are surprised that adults are still in fandom. I have seen people saying these days that they think they’re too old for fanfiction because they are not in middle school anymore. And I think a lot of this has to do with the fact that the barriers to access fandom are a lot lower than they used to be. You used to basically have to be an adult with disposable income (or know an adult with disposable income who was willing to help you out; but even then if you were reading explicit fiction you also had to swear you were 18+, usually by sending in an age statement to whoever you were buying the zine from or to the mods of the list you wanted to join, so a lot of fandom was very much age-gated). Internet access was not widely available. Even if you had internet access, you maybe didn’t have your own email address, so you couldn’t sign up for mailing lists; free email providers didn’t exist. If you wanted to buy zines, you had to have money to buy them. If you wanted to go to cons, you had to be able to afford the cost of the con, travel to the con, et cetera. If you wanted to have a website you had to know HTML. Social media did not exist. You want to draw art? Guess what, you’re probably drawing it on paper! You might be able to upload a picture to your website if you have a digital camera or a scanner, but both of those things are expensive, and also a lot of people don’t have the capability or the money to download pictures from the internet (some people have data caps with overage charges, and some people have text-only connections!), so they won’t get to see it. Maybe you can sell your piece at a con! You want to make a fanvid? We called them songvids, but, anyway, you know how you’re doing that? You’re going to hook two VCRs together and smash the play and record buttons very fast! If you want anyone else to watch them, you are either making them a tape personally and mailing it to them or bringing your vids to a convention. Maybe you can digitize them and upload them, but it’s going to take people hours to download them!

(Every three hours my ISP would kick me off the internet and I’d have to dial in again. If it was a busy time of day, it might take me 20 or 30 minutes to get a connection again. And that was assuming no one else in the house needed to use the phone line. Imagine if your modem went out every three hours now.)

And now, for the cost of my internet connection, I can read pretty much whatever fanfiction I want, whenever I want it. I can see all the fanart I want! I can watch vids! Podfic exists now! Fanmixes exist! Gifsets and moodboards exist! If I want to write fic I can write it with programs that are completely free, and as soon as I post it everyone in the entire world can read it. If I want to draw or make vids that may require some additional investment, but I may also be able to do it with things I already have. Do you have any idea how good we all have it?

There are a couple of kinds of fan activity that don’t seem to exist anymore, though, and I miss them. I know that roleplaying still goes on, but I feel like these days most people who do real-time text roleplay have switched to things like Discord. I know that in the LJ days, RP communities were popular. But I really miss MU*s (MUDs, MUSHes, MOOs, MUXes..), which were servers for real-time text-based RP with a bunch of... hmm... features to aid RP. There were virtual rooms with text descriptions, and objects in virtual rooms with descriptions, and your character had a description, and they could interact with the objects as well as with other characters, and you could program things to change descriptions or emit various kinds of text or take you to different rooms, and so on. Just to, y’know, enhance the atmosphere. It was fun and it was where I learned to RP and I’m sad they’re pretty much gone now.

I also don’t think I see a lot of fanfiction awards in fandoms. Wonder where they went.

Going back to the previous point, the barriers to actually consuming the canon you are fannish about are way, way, way lower now. You can pretty much take it for granted that if right now someone tells you about a shiny new fandom, there will be a way to read that book or watch that show or movie right now. Possibly for free! Of course you can watch it! Why wouldn’t you be able to?

This was absolutely, absolutely not the case before. I’m currently in Marvel Comics fandom. If there is a comic I want to read, I can read it right now on the internet. I have subscribed to Marvel Unlimited and I can read pretty much every comic that is older than three months old; the newer ones cost extra money. But I can do it all from the comfort of my own home right now. I was also, actually, in Marvel Comics fandom in the nineties. If I wanted to read a comic, I had to go to a comic book store and hope they had it in stock; if they didn’t, I had to try another store. Not a lot of comics were available in trade paperback and they definitely weren’t readable on the internet. I used to read a lot of Gambit h/c fic set after Uncanny X-Men #350. I never found a copy of UXM #350. I still haven’t! But I did eventually read it on Unlimited.

Being in TV show fandoms also had similar challenges. Was the show you were watching still on the air? No? Then you’d better hope you could find it in reruns, or know someone who had tapes of it that they could copy for you, otherwise you weren’t watching that show. It was, I think, pretty common for people to be in fandoms for shows they hadn’t seen, because they had no way to see the show, but they loved all the fanfic. The Sentinel had a whole lot of fans like that, both because I think it took a while for it to end up in reruns and because overseas distribution was probably poor. So you’d get people who read the fic and wrote fic based on the other fic they’d read, which meant that you got massive, massive amounts of fanon appearing that people just assumed was in the show because it was a weirdly specific detail that appeared in someone’s fic once. Like “Jim and Blair’s apartment has a small water heater” (not actually canonical) or “Blair is a vegetarian” (there’s an episode where his mother visits and IIRC cooks him one of his favorite meals, which is beef tongue).

Like, I was in The Professionals fandom for years. I read all the fic. I hadn’t seen the show. As far as I know, it never aired in the US, and it certainly never had any kind of US VHS or DVD release. I’d seen a couple songvids. I eventually saw a couple episodes in maybe 2003, and that was because my dad special-ordered a commercial VHS tape from the UK and paid someone to convert it from PAL to NTSC. I didn’t get to see the whole show until several years later when I got a region-free DVD player someone in fandom sent me burned copies of the UK DVD releases and then I special-ordered the commercial release of the DVDs from the UK myself. But if I were a new fan and wanted to watch Pros right now? It is on YouTube! For free!

I think also one of the things about fandom that’s not immediately evident to new fans is the way in which it is permanent and/or impermanent. There are probably people whose first fannish experience is on Tumblr or who only read fanfic on FFN and who have no idea what they would do if either site, say, just shut down. But if you’ve been in fandom a while, you’ve been through, say, Discord, Tumblr, Twitter, Pillowfort, Imzy, DW, JournalFen, LJ, GeoCities, IRC, mailing lists. And sure, if Tumblr closed, it would be inconvenient. But fandom would pack up and move somewhere else. You would find it again. It would, eventually, be okay. Similarly, if you’ve been in a lot of fandoms, if you’ve made a lot of friends, drifting through fandoms is like that. You’ll make a friend in 1998 because you were in the same fandom, and then you might go your own ways, and ten years later you might be in another fandom with them again! It happens.

But the flip side of that is that I think a lot of older fans have learned not to trust in the permanence of any particular site. If you like a story, you save it as soon as you read it. If you like a piece of art, you save it. If you like a vid, you save it. Because you don’t know when the site it’s on will be gone for good. I have, like, twenty years of lovingly-curated fanfic. And I feel like people who have only been in fandom since AO3 existed might not understand how much AO3 is a game-changer compared to what we had before. It’s a site where you can put your fic up and you don’t have to worry that the webhost is going out of business, or that the site might delete your work because they don’t allow gay fiction or explicit fiction or fiction written in second person or fiction for fandoms where the creator doesn’t like fanfiction, or whatever. Because all of those things have absolutely happened. But, I mean, I still save pretty much everything I like, even on AO3, just in case.

So, basically, yeah, fandom is a whole lot more accessible than it used to be. I think fandom is pretty much still fandom, but it’s a lot easier to get into, and that has made it way more open to people who wouldn’t have been able to be in fandom before. There is so, so much more now than there ever was before, and I think that’s great.

#Anonymous #replies

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beann-e · 4 years ago

Text

Haikyu characters reacting to their s/o screaming back at them

Nekoma Characters reacting to their s/o Screaming back at them

Read Part One Here

kenma

-it would not take much -_-

- Kenma doesn’t even notice he’s yelling at you or much less using his raised voice when talking to you

-he’s so used to screaming at kuroo through his mic that when he’s finally pissed off and bubbling ; it just happens after you try to ask him what he wants for dinner at the wrong time

-post time skip

“ go left “ The sound of the controller clicking swirled through the room as your boyfriends eyes followed the screen at every turn his character took “ kuroo I said go left “

“ uh which one ? “

kenmas face went into a straight line as kuroos body stiffened knowing he hadn’t been listening in the first place “ no wait which way I meant —which way “

“kuroo I said go left “

“ oh “

“ yeah — go left “ the strain in your boyfriends voice was evident

it showing off the sliver of annoyance he was trying to hold back knowing that you were somewhere in the same house

he hated for you to see him anything other than calm

Anytime he showed any bit of annoyance with you or even showed he was about to give you attitude you quickly shut it down. It was obvious to him who was the dominant one in the relationship and he had no problem with it

Honestly he was scared of what you would think when you finally saw him fly off the handle. Of course you’d seen him have an attitude he was a gamer that was normalized to have one after a lost game but, it wasn’t often he showed you that side because kenma doesn’t do losing

so what would happen if he finally got ticked off so badly due to something that was ‘just a game’ to you would you be scared?

he couldn’t help but think that you would run for the hills and then screw him over in the breakup and tell everyone he still wears tidy whities and forgets to go pee during gameplays unless you remind him by asking had he peed all day

“ hey du— “

“ don’t talk until you kill the leftover guys so we can win“

“ ken you don’t think I can multitask “ kuroos laugh fell into the room over kenmas headphones “ I used to do it everyday i was the captain of the vb team, I keep you in line “

“ sure sure — but are you watching your corners “

“ I keep everyone healthy , and i’m hot , plus I’m about to win this gam— I died “

the silence in the moment spoke volumes before kenma could

his hand grabbing the controller harshly as he refused to blink seeing the word loser flash in bright letters on his screen

Body growing hot and sweaty while he tried to hold in his anger and process what just happened so he could determine the next best course of action

Knowing , He just knew

The amount of trouble he’d get in if you walked in to hear him screaming at kuroo shouting words you hated when he used

He was trying to hold it all in

really he was

he just needed some quiet first just some silence to figure out how to calm himself down his brain going over serveral images of kuroo dead at the bottom of stairs maybe even him getting hit too hard with one of kenmas sets when they played 4 on 4matches

Anger only growing when he heard a voice pour in that he couldn’t figure out who it belonged to much less cared

“ hey ke— “

“ Do you ever fucking listen “ his voice was hard and threatening “ do you ever just shut the fuck up and “

he threw his headphones to his keyboard “ and listen — no you don’t— you go quiet and now here i am upset because you simply don’t listen — answer the questions i’m asking you— you fucking sea creature“

his body only growing hotter as his neck got red eyes darting for a person to scream at and take his anger out on

“ answer me “ he screamed pain eteched in his voice as he finally turned to find you

a look crossing over his face before he blinked looking to the floor then up at you in confusion before turning back to his screen that glowed in the dark room anger hitting him all over again when he saw kuroos wide open mouth and their dead avatars laying on the ground

“ Why the fuck — how the —- I always fucking lose when that asshole —that miscalculated creation— whenever he plays with me it’s so serious to me — i make money off of it i make — i get deals and i — I can’t — can’t lose them they’ll think i’m not good enough— i“

he slammed his fist into the wall speaking low

“ I hate fucking losing “

he turned to you “ it’s not nice y/n — I tried to fucking do your shitty routine of calming myself down first but it just “

he moved closer to you with anger pouring from his body

your eyes wide in a look of fear when he grabbed your face pointing to his screen “ look — “

he screamed in your face when you didn’t tear your eyes away from his “ BABE I SAID LOOK“

your eyes never leaving his as he just grew angrier at your incompetence

“ so your not fucking listening to me either “ his voice grew questioning “ are your ears dirty just like kuroos ? huh ? are y’all apart of some shitty cult for mute wannabes “

his hand gripped tighter on your cheeks “ i’m so stupid your just as fucking dumb as that asshole — fucking — I bet you wanna date him huh — “

his mind ran wild as he thought of the two of you together insecurity blooming

“ you want a loser like him over me right ? you have to like kuroo — look at him you want to date kuroo right “

he laughed “ fucking slu— “

“ finish it and we’ll be playing our own game of kenma getting his ass beat until he finally gives up and cries “

your eyebrows quirked up as you held eye contact with him “ trust me you’ll lose “

you looked at the male in front of you in disgust

“ get your shitty cheeto dusted gamer hands off of me “

his hands loosened their hold on you

“ all the way off you dirty imbecile “

you scoffed as he dropped his hand in a rush of fear

“ I bet your dirty ass didn’t even wash them after I made you pee earlier — yeah made — you wanted to get back to that sweaty chair that badly ? “

his cheeks grew hot as he blinked himself out of his trance only to see what he’d gotten himself into

“ who do you think you are talking to like that “

your stare making him shake even more in fear

You always scared him when you were upset wether you were taller or not your annoyance alone at an action he’d done scared him enough

Your words stood tall and poured in on him making him feel like he was suffocating but, he knew he needed to hear this. You only did this when his anger was out of control like he knew it could be. He stayed on his games all day and all night which was the only way to provide your shared income

at least until he could get his company up and running he had yet to sign contracts because he said he needed to read them first and reading took too much work

this was how he paid your bills. It stressed him out knowing that any day someone on the internet could call him a loser and that same day your steady flow of money may trickle in slower than usual

So when he lost a game any game even something as simple as Mario or even kirby it pissed him off because he couldn’t help but shoulder all the responsibility of taking care of you and himself. He didn’t want to be the reason you lost that stability and all of this catered into his rage. A rage only you could catch and calm down with your sheer words.

“ who do you think you are “ your voice came out low and calm as you spoke down on him “ answer me “

“n-no on — no one babe “

“ don’t babe me “ your hand pressed on his chest “ you don’t deserve that not after you talked to me that way “

“ I -i’m sorry “

“ for what “

“ f-for talking to you like that and “ his voice came out soft as he spoke

“ I cannot hear you “

“ fuck i’m sorry for talking to you that way —and for using force —force and grabbing you like that “

“and i’m just expected to forgive you? you know I hate this — you know this and yet you keep doing it? why ? why do you keep shouldering this and then lashing out “

“ p-please “

“ mm — i’m not seeing it ken— I mean you treat me like one of your other asshole friends and then on top of it you grabbed my face this time— you’ve never gone that far “

“ y-yes I know — I know “

“ so you can see my problem with just accepting your apology right “

“ y-yes ma’am “

“ oh — “ you laughed as you spoke “ now we’re using nice names huh “

“ i—I thought it’d work“ he pouted

“ I wanna forgive you ken “ you looked at him as his head dropped in embarrassment cheeks going red

“ I really do babe but “

“ I swear I won’t do it again y/n “

you thought for a moment staring at the boy in front of you who was pissing his pants in fear

“ y-y/n I swear I didn’t know it was you I was angry and I —I thought kuroo was talkin— “

“ but you realized it was me? “

he paused

“ you even looked from me and back to your screen so you knew correct “

“ yes “

“ and yet you still yelled at me and grabbed my face “

“ really i’m sorry— I wasn’t there all the way “

you took a deep breath before looking to his computer eyes made up in a squint and then trailing back to the boy in front of you

“ ok ken “ his eyes glowed in happiness

“ you— your forgiving me “ he laughed almost mocking you knowing he’d never been let go this quickly you usually took away his gaming system until he’d learned to calm down

he even started ‘doing’ yoga, if you count playing the youtube videos on the tv while he played on his apple watch that you’d forgotten to take, just to fool you into giving his game back “ this easily“

your eyes moved pointedly to his as he fell back into submission

“ i’m sorry I just meant you arent more upset “

“ well i’m deciding that since it was the first time you ever went to that extent of yelling at me I’m gonna let you off the hook “

you smiled “ also I thought you already got enough punishment “

“ h-huh “

you let your head move up to face his computer screen in a slight nod his eyes lighting up before his face fell in sadness

He never meant to fall submissive let alone show who was the dominant one in the relationship to anyone outside of you especially not with kuroo on the other line

“ I don’t think kuroo minds much babe it’s ok “ you said happily changing the whole way you carried yourself earlier and the way you spoke your body easing after beating into kenma

“ no trust me he doe— “

“ goddamn “

your eyes fell onto his friends open mouthed smile

“ and you just let ‘em do you like that “

kenmas eyebrows came together in sadness

“ damn ken —“

your eyes went hard on kuroo

“ and do you think your any better ? because from what i’ve heard churro it seems to me like you couldnt even keep your own team on a leash much less that lev kid so ? “

“ god “ kuroo coughed shifting in his seat whispering softly to himself “ so hot “

he shook his head before speaking again a little bit louder “ uh no— no I completely understand y/n —god i just know your fun “ he laughed

“ kenma keep listening to your s/o don’t mind me “

he moved to log off speaking under his breath “ so fucking scary —swear i’m bringing ‘em in to scare my vb kiddos— shit “

you shook your head in confusion “ uh wha—”

“ he had a — he had a crush on you and yeah I”

“ oh well “ you moved to throw your arms around him in happiness his body stumbling back at the action as he cautiously wrapped his hands around your back

“ n-not in trouble “

“ not in trouble “

“ still love me “

“ still love you “

“ then can I pla- “

“ no “

“ nevermind I didn’t want —want to play anyways “

“ that’s good “

“ yeah “ he drawed out as you grabbed his hand pulling him to the living room “ but babe the monitors still on just one matc— “

your grip tightned on his hand “ movie ken “

“ got it movie — movie “

he spoke low following you wrapping his arms around you as he kissed your cheek “ movie first — game later “

lev

-I don’t think he would ever ever ever scream at you but he would totally say something hurtful and not even realize it because kuroo and kenma said it to him

-so he’s literally just using what he was taught but In the wrong way

- not a time skip

“ lev can you help me “ you shouted to the taller male as you made your way across the court his hands cupping around his mouth as he stared down on you from the other side “ yeah “ he smiled “ totally “

you copied him a smile itching to spread across your face “ just because I yell doesnt mean you yell “

“ well as bossy as you are you should know I’m going to “

your face dropped before it fell back into a happy smile mind racing with thoughts of maybe hes just making a joke he knows you hate when people say that about you

“ hey uh lev ? “

“ yeah babe “ he said running over to you

“ let’s not say that ok cause it kinda — it really hurt my feelings “ his eyebrows furrowed as he looked down on you his voice vibrating along the gym before he smiled again “ babe I like the design you added to your face I didn’t notice but other people said you looked good with it and yeah —honestly they were right “

“ huh — design? “

“ yeah it’s red it’s right by your eyebrow “

your hands moved quickly to cover the pimple from his view eyes darting across the gym hoping no one else heard and was trying to take a look at it

“ it’s fine it’s fine maybe if you put on some makeup you can hide it right ? i mean if you don’t like the design like I do i mean that’s what you usually use it for right ? “

your eyebrows went up face holding nothing but sadness as you spoke “ do you— lev baby do you really think i’m bossy “

he jumped up and down on the balls of his feet in excitement as he kept going “ yeah — I do everything you tell me to and I like it i’m like a puppy and your the master “

you could feel your body heat up at his words his smile spreading wider as he turned to his awestruck teammates

“ babe it’s ok id follow you to the end of the earth because I don’t understand your just stringing me along”

your hands dropped the balls you held onto from picking them up off the floor. head cocking to the side as you studied him trying to see what sparked this new way of thinking

“ oh god “

“ he’s so fucking —so so fucking clueles- “

“ stupid just outright stupid is what he is “ you said as his eyebrows creased face struggling to find the right way to react to the burning hot anger he felt radiating off of you in waves “ lev baby who told you this “

you walked a bit closer to him head leaned back to see him clearly “ who made you think this way “

“ uh what “ he shook his head face coming up in a pout “ babe I — “ he played with his fingers as he looked off to the side hand moving to run across his neck “ for some reason I feel like i’m in trouble —I did—did I do something wrong baby ?“

“ this is not cool lev not helpful, not sweet and nice it’s hurtful “

“ no what ? wait i’m “ he took his hand out to grab your arm his face made up in pure confusion “ no i’m —i’m complimenting you “

“ you— your complimenting me? “

“ yeah “ he smiled struggling to hold it up as his eyes darted across your face

“ lev baby “ you faked a smile as your eyes hardened “ think about your words —what have you just said “

“ well I said that your my master and i’m like a puppy“ he smiled as he thought back “ only because I love you and would do anything you tell me and because i’m hyper and sometimes you have to explain stuff to me in simple form because I can’t pay attention when anyone else talks but you “

he kept going “ then I said that I do anything you tell me to and I would “ he smiled harder voice sure of himself“ because I like following you and making you happy “

he scratched his neck face flashing a deep red “ then — then I said that you cover up your bossine— ok i’m sorry “

his face made up into a pout as he slumped “ really I didn’t know I thought it was nice I heard the team saying it in the back rooms and I though— “

“ FUCKING IDIOT “

“ LEV WHAT THE FUCK “

“ HOLY SHIT LEGS ARE YOU SERIOUS “

levs face dropped as he turned to kenma “ legs seriously ? “

kenma shrugging as he continued to play his hand held game “ eh well everyone else was saying something and you annoy me so — I present legs “

he sighed as he turned back only to see your eyes holding nothing but garbage fires In them as you stared at the group of guys huddled together

“ speak “ everyone whimpered as you stared them down “ explain to me why my boyfriend is telling me I need makeup to cover my pimple ”

kuroos uncomfortable laugh left him quickly as he looked away from the both of you rocking back and forth in his shows “ well um y/n “ he coughed “ you see we were — we’re guys y/n we were making jokes and you see lev doesn’t understand “

“ well I do so explain “

he jumped “ we thought— “

“ not quick enough you sweaty catboy“

“ god ok he came to us wanting to know how to compliment you he said he didn’t want to say anything dumb and —so that made us realize we can really make him do anything cause he’s so clueless—thought if we could get lev to say some dumb shit—trust me we didn’t go that far “ he said pointing to lev who was picking up the balls you’d dropped on the floor chasing after one that rolled away

“ then you’d break up with him and I guess at least one of us would have a chance — well except kenma he says he has princess peach as his wife —wait who the fu—I actually don’t know who that is ken is that an online girlfriend “

he furrowed his brows actually puzzled by his earlier words “ I don’t know why it seemed so normal to me at the time “

he shook his head “ but lev is so fucking stupid that he said everything fucking wrong — we literally just told him what we personally like about you —gave him some corny pickup lines but he said everything wrong like even the phrase about your makeup we were saying how you don’t wear any or when you do it’s not obvious because your natural beauty just radiates through it— then the next thing we talked about is how strong and just how you take directive I guess — and we — we thought it was hot “

“ then where did he get the stuff he said from “ your voice went high now you were confused he couldn’t have made that stuff up

“ y/n he’s just fucking stupid where do you think “ he rolled his eyes “ he made it up because he didn’t understand “

levs eyes widened as he had stopped paying attention to the situation taking place hours ago “ uh I cannot confirm or deny that statement but I will say you are very very beautiful my love “

your heart warmed as the team groaned your body moving into his as you kissed him softly “ did I do something wrong ? “

“ no lev your ok “

“ ok I never want you to feel bad or like y’know how kenma feels I always feel like he’s so angry “ your boyfriend shivered as he locked eyes with kenma who was ready to pounce on him claws showed as he gripped his game harshly “ see —- so angry “

“ not angry lev just “ you looked at him seriously “ babe you have to pay attention to what you say you may say something really really wrong to me one day and then — “

“ and then you’ll tell me what I did wrong while we cuddle and drink hot chocolate“

you smiled squeezing him harder “ no — then i’ll break your kneecaps so you’ll never be able to play volley again and i’ll dye your hair black in your sleep so people will think you look like a tall dirty mop “

he shook before he led you out of the door the team watching as you left leaving all of them to curse silently about their failed plan “ he’s the stupidest guy on the team and he — he got that “

“ bet he doesn’t even know what he’s doing when he’s tapping it “

kuroo laughed “ yeah right like he even gets that far — they probably gotta explain how to continue a kiss without him focusing and staring straight into their eyes — he’s probably learning how to ‘multitask’ right now as we speak—lucky idiot “

the doors to the gym slammed open roughly a few minutes later as you held levs hand tightly behind the door “ HEY ASSHOLES “

everyone tuned to you in fear for themselves and the tall male behind you who you dragged like a mom in a store his eyes stuck on the lollipop that stuck out from his mouth “ guys y/n found me a lollipop—she stuffed it in my mouth when I told her the joke you guys told me to “

“ w-what joke “

“ the one where I called the sex line and said that I requested them because I heard good reviews “

the teams heads all dropped knowing they’d never said anything of the sort or even along the line he’d messed up their original words yet again and put not only himself but them in danger

“ if you guys ever try to taint my boyfriend with your dumb fucking words again I swear I will end you all —kenma i’ll buy every copy of the new game that you want that’s coming out — literally blow all my money so you can’t ever play the stupid game until im ready to allow you to “ his mouth going up in an o as he still had his attention on his game hands only tightening a bit at the threat his body moving behind kuroo for safety

“ kuroos chemistry lab will become a garbage chute for my lunch trays “ kuroos body slumping as he draped himself over kenma only to get pushed off and fall on the floor in pain your mouth moving to tell everyone else on the team what would happen if they didn’t respect your boyfriend and treat him like the nice , caring guy he was

Until finally you flashed a smile and walked off leaving the team in disarray as they couldn’t figure out if you just grew that much hotter or if they were having heat flash from the pissed off emotions they felt when lev turned around and winked at them while he ran his hand down your shoulder to land at your lower back as he followed you out

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