#But I've been enjoying myself so I can't complain too much I suppose

[inkedbybarnes]

anything

bucky barnes x fem!reader

summary: bucky is determined to take care of you while you're sick.

word count: 1.6k+

warnings: mentions of insecurities, mentions of illnesses (but vaguely described), fluffy ahh shit bc why not, usage of pet names such as baby and doll. bucky being stubbornly sweet (it is indeed, a warning), lowercase writing.

i've been sick the past few days hence the creation of this fic. idk why my mood drops when i'm sick... once again, this is too fluffy even for my own good but i warned you and you're reading it still anyway. 🤨 haha jk, i hope you enjoy this one! 🩷

dividers by @cafekitsune!

reblogs, comments, and likes are highly appreciated! thank you. ♡

“can you please let me in, baby?"

that was the fifth time bucky had asked the same question, never giving up on his mission to take care of you after learning from jarvis – out of all people... or robots? – that you were sick.

“bucky, i promise, i'm fine. stop trying to break the door,” you answered, your clogged nose not helping as you sounded horrible even with a concrete wall separating you from him. “go and tell steve that you're joining the mission. you can't withdraw yourself just because i'm—achoo!”

your nose began to leak, and you were now distracted with the need to find the tissue box that used to be on your bed. you didn't hear the door clicking open as well as the heavy footsteps of a certain soldier walking towards you.

“just because you're what? sick?”

you jumped, feeling the edge of the bed sink with his weight. you quickly grabbed the tissue box that was mysteriously thrown under the bed before facing bucky with the duvet covering most of your body.

“how did you open the door?”

bucky shrugged. “i broke the doorknob. you didn't say anything about breaking doorknobs.”

you sighed, not winning this argument with bucky. “you shouldn't be here, bucky. you're supposed to be preparing for a mission tomorrow, not babysitting me!”

“and let you go through this on your own? tough chance, doll. i'm your boyfriend for fuck's sake, and don't tell me that you're worried about getting me sick because we both know i'm immune," he argued, reaching out and pulling the blanket down enough to reveal your face. “are you really upset that i want to take care of you? you should be demanding things from me, baby. instead you've been hiding from me.”

“because i don't need anything, bucky. i can handle myself just fine." you huffed, knowing you wanted his attention and care so badly. remembering your face was exposed, you felt insecure again. you dragged the cover back up and turned away. “i also don't want you to see me like this.”

“like what?"

“like a mess," you muttered underneath the sheets. “you've never seen me like this before, and i swear i am the worst when i'm sick. you don't have to see me like this, okay? i don't want you to.”

you felt silly. it was completely normal to get sick, but you hated how extreme your body would act out whenever an illness would attack you. you'd always sound and look like you were fighting a battle in hell alone. the way your mind would take an entire flip and drag you to your lowest point didn't help either. so, not only were you feeling physically horrible, you were also struggling mentally.

“a mess? what mess?” he asked, lifting the cover to join you underneath it which caught you off guard. you were entirely exposed to his eyes now. “there's my girl. where's the mess that you're talking about, huh?”

with the little amount of energy left in you, you brought your hands up to cover your face. he could see how much of a mess you were now, far from the dream you've painted since the day you dated him. now, you were nothing but a nightmare of your reality.

“don't you dare hide from me. i haven't seen you all day and it's driving me insane," he complained, pulling your hands away from yourself. he brought his thumb to your teary eyes, wiping the tears away before they could fall. “i can't believe you're hiding from me just because you think i can't handle seeing you sick. what did you think i'd do once i saw you like this?”

you sniffed, hesitation holding you back from telling him the truth. it's only been three months since you've started dating bucky, and you were still in that stage where you'd constantly try impress him.

you weren't faking yourself, no. however, you still did your best to only show your good side and tuck away your insecurities. unfortunately, you had to get sick too soon and have to risk bucky seeing you this way.

“you thought i'd leave you? won't like you anymore? get turned off or something?”

you nodded, knowing that was exactly what went through your head and a bit pissed that he was able to read your mind without actually having the power to do so.

bucky's eyes softened at your confession, letting out a soft sigh as he saw how badly you were beating yourself up.

“if it's because of how you look right now, then it's true. you do look different," he answered, your chest tightening. “your eyes lost their glow, you're frowning more often, your eyes are all puffy, you are definitely grumpier than usual, your lips are dry and chapped from—”

“okay, i get it, bucky! you don't have to rub it in my fa—”

“but i won't be doing whatever is on your mind. you're sick, doll. it'll affect you. it's normal. hell, i look even worse when i used to get sick, but you? you still look so fucking lovely." he held your face gently, leaning forward to kiss your forehead. “even then, i don't give a fuck on how messy you can get. i'm your boyfriend. i should be taking care of you, helping you feel better, and bringing back the glow in your eyes. please, baby. let me take care of you.”

this time, you were looking back at him. "you mean it?"

"of course I mean it," he replied softly, his voice filled with sincerity. "i love you, doll. i don't care how you look like right now. you could look like a swamp monster and be sick as a dog, and i would still think that you are the most beautiful woman for me."

you giggled softly, his words filling you with warmth and reassurance. you felt so lucky to have a man who truly loved you and handled your insecurities with such understanding and care, and even sillier for thinking he'd leave you for such reasons.

“thank you. that really made me feel better," you told him, your arms slowly creeping forward to hold him. “i'm sorry for hiding. i was just scared to turn you off or anything.”

“are you kidding? i'm trying my best not to hold you down and kiss you all over. i haven't even hugged you for a day,” bucky said, a pout on the verge of forming on his face.

“it hasn't even been a day, bucky. now, who's dramatic?" you said, rolling your eyes playfully. “and you're supposed to be on a mission tomorrow! are you really not going?”

“when i could be here taking care of you?” he asked, as if the answer was already obvious. “the others can handle it. my main priority is to do anything you want and make you feel better.”

“anything?”

he smiled, leaning down to let your lips meet softly. "anything."

( a lil bonus < 3 )

“what is that smell?”

sam, steve, and natasha entered the compound after a quick briefing for their mission tomorrow. they joined tony and clint who were having a casual conversation in the living room about the best burrito in town.

the kitchen was an open space, the aroma of whatever bucky was cooking spreading all around the nearby rooms.

sam didn't hesitate to come closer and inspect the kitchen, finding the entire counter lined up with various spices and plates that bucky filled with his dishes.

“what's the occasion? did i miss something?" sam asked, grabbing a fork to take a little taste until bucky slapped his hand away. "ow! what was that for?"

"hands off." bucky warned, frowning at sam. “that's not for you, wilson."

“not even a nibble? come on, man. it smells amazing!”

their usual bickering caught the attention of the other avengers, immediately joining them in the kitchen which annoyed bucky even more when he saw them eyeing the food he made.

"before any of you try to ask, no. this is not for any of you."

"who's it even for?" natasha asked, the least interested to have a taste, but was curious either way.

bucky answered with your name. "she's sick."

"what? since when?" clint asked, worry flashing across his face. "can we do anything?"

bucky glanced up before hesitantly answering. "well.. she did say she wanted to watch a movie after eating."

clint snapped his fingers and smiled. "i'm on it."

"i'll get jarvis to check on her vitals every hour and create a diagnosis," tony said, already tapping on his smart watch. "assuming she wouldn't be too comfortable letting the entire team know what's going on with her body, i'll just let you receive the updates. just update me with what you can, yeah?"

"i'll talk to fury and let you both have a week free from work," steve offered. "she needs the rest and she needs you."

"oh, i'll handle fury. he can't say no to his favourite," natasha said with a smug smile. "tell her i'll bring her all her favourite snacks once we're back from our mission, and that she better be back to full health so we can go out together."

bucky nodded, chest warming with the genuine concern they shared. he was excited to let you know how loved and deserving of all this you were.

if you have any requests for bucky, send them my way! 💌

[newlondohollow]

I FUCKING HATE RINGS OF POWER

On fuckass adaptations (i like the castlevania anime) (heavy ranting below)

This is ASTRONOMICALLY random as it’s barely about Castlevania and more about something i normally don’t post about but I’ve been keeping this topic inside me for far far too long. 

I fucking despise, as much as i am humanly capable to bear pure hatred, Rings of Power. I always see people complaining about the “Netflixvania” adaptations being terrible, and I do agree that they’re not accurate to the games, but heavens gracious those people have NOT seen what an actual bad adaptation is like. Sure, Castlevania got an inaccurate adaptation, but at least the adaptation, considered as its own piece of media, is decent. good even. Not the greatest thing ever written or that I've ever seen but it was, objectively, well written and animated.

Unlike that jackass shit filled abhorrent abominacion by goddamn Amazon DestroyingArtPrime that is Rings of Power. I don’t mean to hate on people who enjoy it, not at all, but to those who do, I am begging you please raise your standards, honey you deserve better than that. So. So. SO MUCH FUCKING BETTER MAN.

Every single thing about that series pisses me off in ways I wasn't even aware I could be pissed off until my parents forced me to watch it with them because “well it’s lord of the rings!!”. I did enjoy spending time with them (though i was literally, physically coerced to do so) but i so fucking wish we had spent it watching something better cuz the whole experience was beyond frustrating. The fact that it no joke is the most expensive series ever made? Are we being for real?? One. Goddamn. Million. of dollars went into creating that fucking insult to not only Tolkien’s poor dead ass, but to cinema and the art of moviemaking itself. Every single scene is so obviously, clearly edited and oversaturated with after effects and I could count on one hand the scenes that were recorded without a greenscreen. The costumes seriously look like Halloween and Carnival props a single mom on a budget would buy to her kids and I’m not even exaggerating I so very mean it it’s true just LOOK AT THEM VRO SOME OF THEM HAVE PRINTS ON THEM PRINTSSSSSS THEYRE SO OBVIOUS AND THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE HEAVILY INSPIRED BY MEDIEVAL CLOTHING DAWG I CAN'T DO THIIIIIIIIIIS. Do you think it ends there? NO IT FUCKING DOESNT IT GETS SO MUCH WORSE. If the visual aspects of it were the only thing bad about it i wouldn't be here dumping a textwall but good god merciful above the writing is genuinely enraging. Like its not just personal pet peeves or small stuff level of frustrating, no it’s ENRAGING. Every character is both incredibly arrogant and rude and fucking stupid, yes even the good guys, EXPECIALLY the good guys, actually. The plot is as compelling as one of Jeff Bezos’ shit stained ass hairs and the dialogue is so dogshit and senseless i dont even know how delusional and self centered you have to be to sit down, write that, hear it being acted out and think “ah yes this is a great script”, that goes for the making of the whole series as well.

I won't sit here and explain why exactly it all sucks as i said cuz there’s plenty of youtube videos that do so (sadly some of them are fucking filled with bigotry i want to shoot myself) and i will instead move on to what pisses me of the most.

Some lunatics are actually, seriously saying that RoP has the same vibes as Peter Jackson’s movies.

Yes the same movies that are considered a cinematic masterpiece and classic, the same movies that won awards over awards over awards, the same movies that inspired every single fantasy movie that came after them. I’m well aware they aren’t accurate to the books either, but again, like Castlevania’s first anime, they are GOOD. They are great in fact, and no one can say otherwise without being objectively wrong. That trilogy’s vibes will never ever be reached or equated again, for the very simple reason that art and passion are fucking withering away in today’s world. The costumes for that set of movies were hand manufactured and weathered by the actors themselves CLIMBING UP MOUNTAINS. The weapons used were REAL. REAL, METAL FORGED WEAPONS. VIGGO MORTENSEN ALMOST GOT AN ACTUAL DAGGER THROUGH HIS FACE BECAUSE THE ORC’S ACTOR MISSED. AND YES HE DID BREAK HIS TOE BECAUSE THE HELM HE KICKED WAS REAL, EVERYTHING THAT COULD BE REAL IN THOSE MOVIES WAS. BOOKS, MAPS, EVERYTHING. ALMOST EVERY SCENE OF LANDSCAPES WAS SHOT IN NEW ZEALAND, A REAL PLACE. 

Tolkien hated the idea of someone adapting his works, yet i am certain that if he would have seen the Peter Jackson movies, knowing that they were made out of sincere passion and love for his works and as a tribute to it and him, he would have appreciated them. He certainly is rolling in his grave because of RoP though. It’s not just bad, it's soulless. Completely hollow. Filled to the brim with sfx and fake props, even the musical score composed by the same composer who made the Lotr trilogy’s score just sounds plain, not because it’s bad but because it so clearly belongs to something better than that. RoP wasn’t made out of passion for Lotr it was made for mere profit. One of the directors fucking made fun of a Silmarillion fan who simply asked a question about the goddamn Fëanorian crest, in public, for everyone to see. Those people aren’t Tolkien fans, they're soulless evil corporate pigs, they’re everything Tolkien, and I personally, despised and despise. 

It genuinely makes me so sad that, as badly recieved as it was, many series and movies AND HELL EVEN BOOKS AND GAMES are eerily like RoP these days, the death of art we’re witnessing is soul crushing and concerning.

[almostempty]

get to know your moots

thanks for the tag @yxtkiwiyxt, i can never resist a classic myspace about me bulletin survey throwback bc i yearn for the days of agonizing over finding the perfect profile song

what's the origin of your blog title?: it's too much pressure to create a witty name, i've used such gripping online usernames as waterbottle, casual-stapler, oldfruit, etc..

favorite fandoms: this is all i participate in actively! but i do enjoy being exposed to other fandoms through y'all here and there

OTP(s) + shipname: i just want all of the various fictional ppcu characters for me

favorite color: black n yellow 🖤💛

favorite game: nothing recently, but i enjoy zelda games, rdr2, elden ring, and roller coaster tycoon (1999)

song stuck in your head: listening to Sativa - Jhené Aiko, Swae Lee currently

weirdest habit/trait?: dissociating in car (parked)

hobbies: reading, writing, finding new/old music, making myself laugh over silly memes, swimming, solo adventures, people watching, going to da movies, etc.

if you work, what's your profession?: drug and alcohol counseling and juvenile justice advocacy

if you could have any job you wish what would it be?: obligatory i do not dream of labor, but like @yxtkiwiyxt, for my next trick i'd like to be a digital nomad somehow

something you're good at: i have a good picker for friends, i'm occasionally funny, dogs like me

something you're bad at: being concise, perception/management of time in any manner and remembering

something you love: music, all day, every day, non stop

something you could talk about for hours off the cuff: various rants about capitalism (i'm fun), movies i haven't seen but feel like i could accurately guess the plot of, my fav cursed double features

something you hate: my poor perception of time and memory issues, executive dysfunction, facing my demons aka doing IFS work in therapy

something you collect: concert vids, i think i'm the only one that rewatches them?, books, nearly dead peach ice Lost Mary's

something you forget: plans, texts, objects and people not in my line of sight, if a memory real or a dream/idea, if i've already told you the story i'm halfway through (but i still think it's funny so i intend on finishing it either way)

what's your love language?: i know it's an innocent question, but i have mad beef with the author of the book about love languages and the christian gender roles perpetuated in the book and lack of empirical research around the concepts, and the creator's homophobia, but i digress (i told y'all i'm fun)

favorite movie/show: some movies: office space, SLC punk, eternal sunshine, the thing, drive, bottoms; don't make me pick shows rn

favorite food: been unable to stop getting nachos and the poblano crema from the taqueria on my block for the last ~6 weeks

favorite animal: big time animal lover here, shout out to my dogs!! i can't choose a fav otherwise

are you musical?: i can play a couple instruments, i wish i could sing

what were you like as a child?: a pleasure to have in class

favorite subject at school?: art, but i pursued science

least favorite subject?: i never took chemistry because everyone complained about how hard it was and i figured out you didn't need it to graduate, but i suppose technically i didn't take it so can't confirm

what's your best character trait?: adaptability (i just took an updated personality test lmao to help me figure one out)

what's your worst character trait?: perfectionist (not with editing heheh)

if you could change any detail of your day right now what would it be?: a few interpersonal interactions

if you could travel in time who would you like to meet?: maybe an artist from the 27 club, just to see them perform

recommend one of your favorite fanfics (spread the love!):

two completed longfics i enjoyed <3, best kept secret- enemies to lovers/bodyguard din by luckbealincoln on ao3, vampire waltz - idiots in love/ max phillips by absurdthirst, wardenparker on ao3

obligatory free memes if u made it this far

tags, but no pressure: @auteurdelabre @gothcsz @lovely-vamp-princess

@slimybeth69 @swankyorange @syd-djarin @itwasntimethatdidit40 @probablyreadinsmut @thundermartini @ace-turned-confused

@persephone-girl @thischarmingmandalorian @pinkypromisepascal

@hoelaris @lilac-boo if u read this and i didn't tag you, tell me all ur secrets and tag me anyway <3

[mikailys]

MCL NewGen Ep 8 Commentary

Ik it's late and that several days have passed since the episode's release, but I wanted to wait a bit to let my thoughts simmer and write my review with a cool head. I need to rant about it so sit tight 'cause this one in particular is though lol.

As it was advertised, the whole episode revolves around Roy and a peculiar hobby of his: skinny dipping. Thomas is the one who spills the beans -as always- and everyone is curious about it. Roy explains that he only does it after the swimming pool closing hour and you know what: that is fine by me. Is it weird? Yes, but I'm not supposed to care what my co-workers do in their freetime so I personally don't mind.

And, unfortunately, that's all. To sum up, the plot is "co-workers try to go undercover to spy on their other coworker while he's skinny dipping :|

Since I don't like Roy, the premise of this ep didn't really appeal to me at all. But, weirdly enough, it had the opposite effect 'cause I've spent its whole duration feeling sorry for him. He gets the possibility once a month to train alone in a professional pool, and the six of us -which I recall you are his co-workers and his boss- have nothing better to do than to go spying on him? Just because they thought he subtly implied he wanted them to come see him?!

One. It is false since during the whole workday they kept "catcalling" him and joking about it and he wasn't really pleased to say the least. He put on a brave face, endured the working hours, and then left the office asap.

Two. You're adults, fully grown adults that are acting like literally teens. It's not normal for grown-ups to feel excited, see Elenda and Thomas, to play spies to see your co-worker naked. It is weird and creepy.

I'm glad at least I wasn't the only sane person to comprehend this was wrong and absurd on so many levels. Paradoxically enough, the only one I found myself agreeing with was Amanda, a character I couldn't stand until now, she gained a tons of points in my eyes + she's also a girl's girlie so gg.

Also, special mention to the hint of peer pressure put on Candy and Amanda by the quartet. I didn't like it at all and it shouldn't be even a thing considering the context.

No is no, even if Roy supposedly enjoys voyeurism, I personally do not.

This is really a shame cause they butchered so many characters with this unnecessary sketch, Thomas being the worst of them in my eyes. I'm not sure if my perception of him was wrong from the start, but I don't recognize this character at all. Silly jokes, creepy hobbies, and an immature, teenage-like attitude were never traits I would have attributed to him. I know I keep repeating myself but it's truly a shame that such poor writing has impacted the perception and development of the characters, which now seems clearly different from how they were portrayed in the beginning...

Going forward, I made then the choice to leave with Amanda and warn Roy about their ambush. It was nice to have that option tbh. The whole scene afterwards, sneaking into the public pool and hiding in the lockers, was utterly embarrassing because it’s not the kind of behavior you’d expect from people in their late twenties, but whatever the problem it's the whole context so I can't complain about it too much.

Then Roy catches the sextet and pulls off his counter-prank. After snitching on us, we all decided it was a good time to play with water guns. Again, the idea was fun and silly in a good way, but context-wise mmh...

Now the long-awaited moment I've been patiently waiting for: the encounter with Jason.

Look at him I love him sm nsgsg

I had no idea how they would include him in the episode since he practically had nothing to do with the Devenemential gang. And honestly -unpopular opinion- they probably should have left him out of this messy episode because the reason they gave for his involvement didn’t fully convince me, and the special scene was disappointing.

Apparently, he also has deals with the guards -worst security protocol ever if you ask me- and he goes there once a week to train. And here I was thinking that the CEO of a famous and well-known company would have a private pool or the means to rent one lol. Looks like everyone's feeling the pinch these days. Good job Jason, saving money like the rest of us poor unfortunate souls, such a relatable boss.

Fun fact, it appears one of his dreams is to defeat Roy? In a swimming competition?? Like, okay? I'll gladly be there to root for you the day you actually succeed then dear.

Well maybe not everyone shares the same hobbies as you and Roy, Candy. Besides, why would he know about Roy's interests?? He's not as deranged as Thomas, who keeps tabs on his colleagues' private lives...

ANYWAY. Candy feels cold and needs to get out of the pool if she doesn’t want to catch pneumonia. Jason offers to help her by closing his eyes, but she’s not fully convinced. Again, NOT EVERYONE IS A PERV, CANDY. You're just the unlucky girl who's got to work with them. In fact you should bring him to Devenemential to have him teach your colleagues the art of not being crazy maniacs, I'm sure that could be of help.

I won't spend too many words on the next scene since I've already made a whole ass post ranting about it and sharing my headcanon. However, regarding the mistress scene, I will say that yes, it was poorly executed. But if the entire episode had followed this direction I would have gladly signed off on it because, all things considered, it’s not even remotely comparable to the plot we've endured so far.

Now for the special scene I am conflicted. Ngl I really thought for a split second that we actually managed to kiss him, but I quickly snapped back to reality when I realized it was just Candy being delusional and I am just as much as her. She must have ingested way too much chlorine to be having such a mental trip lol. Anyway, I didn't like it very much because it was clear that BV didn't know what to come up with. The fact that they managed to incorporate Jason into the plot was something, but asking for a well-written special scene was apparently too much.

On a side note, I’m DEAD TIRED of having to endure the worst humiliations in every single episode when we’re on Jason’s route. It's pretty embarrassing, and, at lest for me, it’s not easy to move forward without cringing every few minutes. Moreover, it always seems like he has to have the upper hand in every situation. When is our Candy going to stop acting like a fool and step up her game??

And that's all, the episode ends with Candy leaving the pool, wondering if she and Jason will ever stop meeting in the most weird way spoiler: you won't i assure you.

Now for the next episode I fear we’re in for another ‘fun’ plot since it’s called A Child at Heart, but honestly I have no idea what these interns will actually get up to. Maybe the theme will revolve around generational differences, since they seem to be Gen Z while our colleagues are more on the border of being Millennials? Idk but I do really hope the writing will be better than in this ep.

All things considered, I still have faith in BV. I know they have the ability to write a good story with a solid foundation when they want to—it’s just that I don’t know what’s happening with this series in particular. As other players have pointed out, it feels like this plot was originally conceived when NG was still set in a high school, and now they’re trying to repurpose it in a more 'adult' way. The problem is, it’s just not working.

The Halloween event is approaching, and let’s hope it can alleviate some of the discontent in the community. Hopefully the upcoming episodes will be better since they’ve addressed the topic in the forums but we'll see.

[buglegs]

irritating (england x f!reader)

new in the building and hating life, reader meets her boss's closest associate for the first time a/n: hi. i cant believe i did this. i haven't written fanfic in a fat minute. if this opener goes down well, i'll turn it into a reader insert. consider konnie lecter a placeholder like y/n. i do actually want to write multiple parts so we'll see

Part 2 (coming soon)

With a cat in my lap, a book in one hand and a cup of tea in the other. Oh boy! I sure was enjoying my day off.

A day off from the world.

But, oh, no. Who could've guessed it?

My manager was calling. On my bedside table sat my phone, face up, screen illuminated displaying 'work.'

Eight in the morning and already I wanted to die.

"Oh, day off, how I've appreciated you so," I spoke theatrically to myself, setting my book down and reaching for my buzzing phone, "What do you think they want, kitty?"

Your joy, more than likely. Undoubtedly said my telepathic cat.

"They've rescheduled the conference for nine-thirty this morning, get here asap, no one else in the area is available and Mr Jones likes an assistant to be present at all times." Spoke the voice on the opposite side of the line, "Floor 9, Pasaulinis conference room written on the door, can't miss it."

Kitty was right. They wanted my joy.

I'd been recently hired as a secretary for my boss's boss, Mr Jones.

They said secretary, but aside from unpacking in the new building, all my responsibilities had consisted of retrieving coffee from the café downstairs and taking men's coats.

I suppose it'd be silly to complain, considering my rates…

Sigh. "Okay! I'll see you soon," I responded cheerily, though my face certainly wouldn't have shown it. I hung up before they could say anything more.

I checked the time and -- Oh, great heavens! It was near time to leave. Wonderful.

With much regret, I ushered my cat out of my lap so I could take a rushed shower and be on my merry way.

One rushed shower and a coffee later, I was exactly where I needed to be,

Looking up at a big, fugly corporate building. God, I hated these motherfuckers. But they paid me suspiciously well, couldn't hate them too much.

I made my way in, saying my socially-obligatory hello's and how-are-you's to my fellow staff members and making a beeline for the elevator with the least people within it.

I eyed the buttons, noting '9' was already lit, along with 3, but who gives a fuck about floor three when you're headed for nine?

In the lift with me was a cleaner, and an extremely well-dressed bloke with, undeniably, the best eyebrows in the entire cosmos.

I knew immediately Eyebrows must've been headed for the conference room, by his 'I'm so much better than you' demeanour. Conference-goers tended to have that.

At floor three, the cleaner shuffled out, pushing her trolley with her.

The doors shut, and with a ding, the elevator ascended.

It's just us now, Eyebrows. Me and you. You and I. You're the type to correct people on that, I bet. God, you're insufferable.

My jaw clenched as he turned his head to me and spoke,

"Excuse me, miss,"

Oh, an accent. British. I could have guessed…

I looked at him, a polite smile stretched across my lips, "Sir?"

"Would you happen to be heading to the World Conference?"

Oh, that's right. The corporation's name is 'World.' How the hell did they get away with that? I mean that's such a… oh. What was it called again?

"I am," I nodded, then averting my gaze. He was pretty.

Too pretty. Can't look at pretty people too long. They burn my eyes. That's why I can't spend too much time in the mirror. Zing!!

"Excuse my bad manners… I'm Arthur, Kirkland." He introduced himself, offering his hand,

"y/n… l/n," I reached out for his hand. His handshake was more of a delicate hold. It was so…

"Are you a country-?" He questioned. I didn't notice the look of dismay that crossed over his face after speaking. Though, it wouldn't have given me any hint as to what he could have meant.

"I'm sorry? I… don't think I understand," I spoke sheepishly, retracting my hand, "I'm Mr Jones's assistant. I, uh, I bring him coffee."

He chuckled, "I suppose you know then that he's a bit of a brewzilla," He joked.

My eyebrows knit together in confusion, "Brewzilla-?" I laughed softly, "He is a bit of a monster before his first coffee in the morning, I guess."

His eyes lit up. I guessed I picked up on his pun exactly as he intended.

Maybe this conference-goer wasn't so insufferable...

Pfft. Naw. They all suck.

The elevator dinged, the doors spread apart and we both stepped out, looking down the long hall way.

"You wouldn't happen to know which room we're supposed to be in?" He asked, just as clueless as I.

"Uhh… My manager said… I think… Pasaulo? Pasauli?" I shrugged and shook my head. I must've looked like a complete tool. So unprofessional.

"Ah, Pasaulinis?" He corrected, pointing toward a door that was labelled as such.

What the fuck is even a Pasaulinis? Does that mean something?

We headed in. He even held the door for me, can you believe? No one's ever held a door for me.

Inside was a long oval table, surrounded by at least a hundred seats. I hoped and prayed to whatever Gods they wouldn't all be filled. It seemed about everyone who was going to arrive had arrived, by the relaxed, almost friendly chatty air about.

At the head of the table was Mr Jones, who was getting his papers into order.

He hardly acknowledged me before throwing a quip at Mr Kirkland, who paid him no mind.

Mr Kirkland gave me a quick 'it was nice to meet you' before making his way over to an unclaimed seat, and loudly, Mr Jones called me over, handing me a sheet of paper and a pen.

"Is this… a non-disclosure agreement?" I questioned with hesitation.

"Uhhh, duh! Says it right there!" He laughed, "Don't worry, it's just a formality, dude!"

Dude. God, I'll never get used to that. In a place like this.

"If you say so… Homie…" I sighed, signing the paper and handing it back to him. The previous day, he'd insisted I refer to him as either homie, home-dawg or home-slice. Couldn't tell you why.

He gave me a nod, signalling to close and lock the door, which I did before promptly heading to stand behind him. At his command, ready to be ordered about and obey like a dumb little dog.

With everything seemingly out of the way, the meeting was in session.

-

So… Standing in at my first conference for… What is the company called again?

It remained unclear. I'd seen it tens of times before, and heard it spoken, but for some odd reason, it never stuck.

At the end of the conference hall, I stood idle, hands cupped together at my backside. I stared down at the plain grey carpet, feet already beginning to ache in my heels.

I'd taken secretary-assistant-intern-whatever gigs before. They'll hire you so long as you look pretty and have some data entry experience.

I never took much in from conference meetings. They were all the same, usually. A bunch of entitled men all gathered around a big table, having a pissing contest. Who had the best idea always boiled down to who could best assert the size of their cock. Figurative cock. Dominance, I mean. That's probably a better word, huh?

"…Regarding the development of Cabo Verde…"

This one seemed no different, except the NDA I had to sign was made out to be a bigger deal than ever before.

Still, I had little interest.

"So what do you propose is to be done about this… Problem?"

What was different about this environment was that these guys seemed to be at the top of something. They weren't employers. They had employers employing employers employing employers employing staff.

"Miss (I/n)," Spoke Mr Jones as he twisted his body to face me,

"Coffee, pronto!" He had a sort of… Charisma. He was an animated man. Caricaturial, almost.

"Goodness, Alfred, is that any way to speak to a lady? You could at the very least have said please." Said Mr Kirkland, posh sounding accent shining through.

Mr Kirkland had made an impression on me as being kind, although seemingly hot-headed, by his outbursts during this meeting.

He was funny, witty, and I'd be a big fat liar if I were to say I didn't take note of how irritatingly handsome he was.

Still, he was a corporate know-it-all, and that meant I'd refuse to see him in any other light.

Although his butting in did make me crack a grin because;

Yes, Alfred, you could've at the very least said please. How difficult is it, really?

Mr Jones only rolled his eyes.

Now that I was looking at them both, I noticed somewhat of a resemblance. It'd explain the dynamic that was presenting itself.

"Can I get anything for anyone else?" I questioned, looking around the room.

Hands raised. So many hands. And so I made my way around the table, taking orders down on a small pad.

~

thx 4 reading <3

[shenlis-spear]

THE LEGEND OF SHEN LI 与凤行, 2024

⇢ starring: zhao liying, lin gengxin

If I loved you less, I might be able to talk about it more. (I'm talking about The Legend of Shen Li)

Let me preface this by saying I'm biased. And it's been a million years since I tried to put my thoughts into writing so this is gonna be all over the place and long-winded. And probably wouldn't make any sense. So here it goes.

I really enjoyed The Legend of Shen Li. Do I love it? With all my charred heart. Do I think it's the best drama this year? It's still April. It's hard to say. Are Shen Li and Xing Zhi the best power couple? This shouldn't even be a debate.

Honestly, I didn't even plan to chase this drama while it's ongoing because I binge watching drama is what I enjoy best. However, I was bored. And The Legend of Shen Li's trailer looked interesting. And my heart still needs healing from the mess of an ending that is Princess Agents. I needed closure. So I started watching the drama, and boy oh boy did it drag me down one hell of a roller coaster ride of emotions every single night. (No, I'm not complaining.)

However, before I talk about the things that I really loved about the drama, I have some things to say about the stuff that kind of irked me. Because no drama is perfect (unless it's Nirvana in Fire).

So let me get started on the things that I feel like the drama could've done better.

Musical scoring - the OST's? Chef's kiss. However, they way they're putting music on the scenes are a hit and miss. Most of the time it just distracts me from the scene and I just get bored with the mv-ish scene. I wish cdramas especially custom ones would stop this. I don't need 5 mins of the leads staring at each other in all angles accompanied by a really nice song. I'm here to watch a drama. Although, I kinda did get used to it in the latter episodes (specifically ep35-38) because I definitely needed a minute or two to process the emotions.

The progression of the story - One thing. I'm confused. Not to the point that "I don't understand the plot confusing" but still confusing nonetheless. There was no consistency in the scenes and the dialogues. (Ex fishing village). There was no flow. I feel like someone messed up the storyboard and when they edited the scenes they were also confused. Or maybe this is the issue of the translation of the dialogue? I don't even know. Still, I definitely think this part could've been done better.

The internal monologues - sigh when I said the thing I love most in dramas are their dialogues I don't mean what's happening in The Legend of Shen Li. The characters just talk (or think?) too damn much I can't keep up. They're supposed to be the characters whom their actions should tell the story but the way they're narrating the whole plot to me is just so jarring. Am I watching a drama or listening to an audiobook? Sometimes I can't tell. I wish they'd tone it down but it just got worse with the later episodes.

The camera - this is just me being nitpicky but there are some random camera angles especially the spinning ones that probably is supposed to make the scene dramatic but all it did was make me wanna vomit.

This is not in any way, shape, or form hating on the drama because I genuinely enjoyed it. I've deluded myself into waiting for a Princess Agents S2 but I got a better deal and had Zhao Liying and Lin Gengxin to reunite in a new project which is better in my opinion because Princess Agents is a hot mess. There was really no saving that one.

So moving on to the things I like! But like, where do I even start?

First of all, Zhao Liying and Lin Gengxin. Chemistry so good, they had to be casted in another drama. Everything about them was just so perfect for the drama and the role. Could not ask for a more perfect casting than them. The 7 year wait was almost worth it.

The WOMEN! - so much room for improvement regarding the characters but I loved that the women were not treated as damsels who always needed saving. I have to say 5 1/2 braincells were working throughout the drama, 2 from Shen Li, 1 from You Lan, 1 from Jin Niang Zi and 1 from Shen Mu Yue (1/2 from Xing Zhi because he's too unbothered if it's not related to Shen Li).

Shen Li - might not be the best female character in cdramaland but I think she can hold her own place. She's stubborn, a bit reckless but she's loyal and righteous. She's a strong woman without being a stereotypical cold and ruthless strong woman. Shen Li is a strong woman at the same time also a mad woman in love. She does not have to be one or the other. The more I write this the more I'm falling in love with her character. You just don't find a character like her. She is Shen Li. A capable general. A strong leader. An empathetic comrade. A respectful student. A woman in love. She is not just one of them but all of them.

Lin Gengxin is pretty believable playing as an ancient god. He has that air around him that screams your highness. He played the lofty and aloof Xing Zhi to perfection.

And what can I even say about Zhao Liying? As always miss ma'am played Shen Li perfectly. Whimsical, stubborn, in love and devasted in love, you can feel all those emotions just watching her eyes.

It has angst but not too much that we as viewers would spend multiple episodes pulling out hair of frustration about the misunderstandings and accidental killings. (Not a shade to any specific drama but just to the xanxia genre in general). It has the perfect balance of angst, romance and comedy. You laugh, cry and giggle all in one episode. The comic relief scenes are naturally funny and doesn't feel forced. Zhao Liying and Lin Gengxin's comedic timing are 👌.

The conflict was handled maturely and the confession was direct but still heart fluttering. Throughout the drama, they both got their heads perfectly placed on their shoulders.

The last episode! Let us talk about the last episode because when has a drama provided that kind of fan service just making one whole episode of shenanigans and fluff. After going through the angst, the reward that is the last episode is just too good and definitely worth all the tears.

Also, can we talk about Dong Jie's guest role? I know miss ma'am is good but when I tell you I cried for a minute because of her story arc? Just hands up and mic drop. So so good!

Now that all of these are out of my system, hopefully I can move on to the next obsession, whatever that may be. I'll still probably watch episode 39 on a daily basis though. It's just too enjoyable and it makes my day. Will probably, revisit this "review" in the future and update it because I'm aware that at this point it's not making a lot of sense.

RATING: 9/10 REWATCH VALUE: 10/10 definitely would watch again! ACTING: 10/10 CATEGORY: GUILTY PLEASURE

[lexicals]

Aaaa okay I've finished the novels now too. Gonna put my thoughts down on them and how they compare to the tv version

So overall I think I like the novels better, the interiority you gain from the format adds a lot I think and it definitely benefits from not having to hold back on things like the gorey side of the supernatural elements (and yes, the gay as hell elements). I think that same lack of restraint in the writing adds a lot more comedy - while I thought the tv version was very funny, I found the books hilarious, and I think a lot of that is down to not having to pull punches on how outrageous wei wuxian gets to act, which is the core of the comedy so much of the time. I also felt that the ending was a lot more coherent, which makes sense given how much was cut out of it for the tv version, and obviously it's nice to have a confirmed post-canon marriage and continued adventures! The post-story cases were a lot of fun, I think some of my favourite parts were getting to see the two of them interact with their little gaggle of juniors and help guide them, it's very sweet.

As for criticisms, I have to be honest, the more mature scenes really weren't for me. I wasn't a fan of the blurry lines of consent (it felt like the aim was consensual non-consent, but... it still didn't sit right, especially some of the dream sequence stuff) and a lot of it felt fetishising to me, but then I suppose it's something to be expected from the genre, so I can't complain too much about it. I liked the fact that the in-universe homophobia was acknowledged and taken into consideration, but sometimes it felt like it was being played for titillation rather than taken seriously - again, though, genre conventions. It also felt like there was an underlying tone of colourism to the character descriptions, but honestly you could probably level that critique at the tv version as well. These were things that soured the experience a bit for me, but the overall read was still positive, and I did really enjoy the story even despite knowing what was going to happen already. It's a good tragedy when you're reading along thinking "maybe it won't happen this time" lol.

I find myself a bit confused as to what wei wuxian's actual cause of death was - obviously the tv version makes it very clear cut, but the book only calls it "spiritual rebound" and doesn't really elaborate or directly show anything from after the massacre, so it felt a bit vague. I suppose the idea is that he lost control during the siege and was torn apart by his own power? Not sure if I've missed something there or if it's just not very clear. It's not a huge annoyance but I was a bit surprised they didn't get into it more than passingly.

Anyway overall it was a really good read, and now I get to go read all the good fic that's out there :3 It's even poked my writing itch a little which hasn't happened in ages - idk if I'll actually follow through with it or just keep my musings to myself, but it's nice to have a nice big brain space to play in after a long time of not having one. I'm glad I finally got around to this after seeing other people talking about it for such a long time, it's been a while since I had a series grab me like this so it's been a lot of fun.

[watermelpm]

Feeling a little down lol, but we'll push through it!

Little vent below :/

I have such bad writers block right now and I have so many ideas for stories that I might never even do, like the Celestia one I've been thinking about. I need to finish this first chapter of wtv this fic is gonna be called but it's been so difficult, I don't know what happened but one day I just stopped being able to write this thing. I want to write and finish this but my brain just won't let me. I'm not sure if I wrote too much and burnt myself out or if I've just been working on it too long and my brain is just tired of writing it over and over again. I've been so worried about whether or not it's going to be good enough and if it all makes sense, but I shouldn't be worrying about that, this is supposed to be something for fun and I do to get my mind off of things and enjoy, but it doesn't feel that way at all. I have been a little stressed from all the moving and lectures I've been getting this week, but this started weeks before we started to actually clean up the house. I've been trying so hard just to get over it and write my story, but I can never do it, I only ever write a few words or sentences then instantly delete it because it sounds wrong or bad. I should be having fun while writing this, not comparing it to others, but it's hard, how am I supposed to feel proud of myself when I can't even write a basic sentence? How am I supposed to feel good about my writing when everyone else is so much better than me at everything I do? I can't help but hate my work and compare myself. It's gotten to the point where I'm scared to ask others for advice on how to feel better about my work, I have a loving sister who loves to help me and she's so nice about it, but I can't help but still feel stuck in this hole that keeps getting deeper and deeper. Everyone has more experience than me, and I shouldn't be feeling this way but I do, it's hard not too. Especially when the rest of your family is so creative and good at what they do, I love all of them and don't want them to feel bad, I want them to keep sharing their interests with me, but I always have this voice in the back of my head asking "Why can't you be as good as them?" I've been struggling so much with School, drawing, writing, and I've been so stressed and it just feels like everything I do is bad. I feel like such an awful person to be complaining about this stuff because others have it so much worse than me, but I just can't help it. I want to be confident in my abilities, I want to love the stuff that I make, but it's hard.

Lol sorry, that was a little too deep (･⁠ω⁠･)

[sparrow-in-the-field]

Writer's Tag Game

Tagged by @strangethings-everywhere !! Thanks Anna!

Rules: Answer some or all of the questions below. Tag your fellow writers. Enjoy!

Link to your masterlist: I don't have a masterlist but here is my ao3! Not gonna bother linking my other ao3 account but if you ever want some BTS content just hmu and I got you lol.

Favorite and least favorite genres to write (angst/smut/fluff, etc): Favorite is for sure some hurt/comfort! Least favorite is any angst that doesn't have a happy ending, I just can't do it lol.

Favorite characters to write for? That's a hard question! I enjoy writing both Bobby and Don, it's hard to choose which I prefer lol; I've really been loving writing Bobby in The Cormorant though so maybe I'll say him. And Chuck Day! I looove writing Chuck, he was such a pleasant surprise when I wrote So Far So Good.

Which one of your works is your favorite? How am I supposed to pick one of my babies?? Lol. I mean, The Cormorant is so incredibly special and dear to me, I think that one will be my favorite for a long time even once it's finished. Out of my completed works, though, a kind of dark horse favorite is The Inherent Value of Warmth and Breath. I wrote that one soooo spontaneously but it turned out so well! I think it has a great balance of action and romance for just a little one shot.

Which one of your works is more popular than you thought it would be? It honestly still blows my mind that The Quiet Act of Loving Someone is the top kudos'ed fic in tbitb tag on ao3 (it just passed 200 kudos btw!! thanks for all the love! <3). Like I never thought something like that would happen with my fics.

Which one of your works is less popular than you thought it would be? So Far So Good my beloved!! I maybe went into it with too high expectations, because people had really loved Shy Boy, so I thought more people would be excited for a sequel. But alas, I guess Chuck/Roger isn't quite as popular. It still got some very nice love though, so I really can't complain!

Which one of your fics was hardest to write? Why? The Cormorant is definitely the hardest to write, but in a super rewarding way. There are just a lot of moving pieces (literally, with Bobby traveling lolol), and figuring out the timing of the month counting down, along with the balance of present day scenes, flashbacks, and dreams with Jack, it takes a lot of consideration for like, structure and organization. And then just thematically, it's very heavy and emotional to write. Which I love, it's so cathartic, but tbh sometimes I have to take breaks and think happy thoughts lol (such as post-fic fluff ideas for Bobby and Don hehe).

What is your favorite fanfic by someone else? Omg okay I'm limiting myself to three (and I'll try not to gush too much lol) but as Anna said there are so many amazing fics in our little fandom!! A huge favorite of mine is Someone Like You (I'm Ready) by teaforone ( @teaforarteza ) on ao3. This fic had me in an absolute chokehold and I still think about it to this day; the messy start, the stakes, the love confessions, the smut?? People died (me). It was also the first fic I read that emphasized Chuck and Bobby's friendship, which was eye opening. Next, I can't talk about fav fics without mentioning salix's (@seasidesandstarscapes )hockey au, Right in the Numbers!! Talk about messy lol, I was screaming at Don throughout this whole fic, and I fell in love with cam boy Bobby! Lastly, and most recently, I was so incredibly taken by effervescentyellow's (@effervescentyellow ) fic As Beautiful As You. It almost made me cry! There's just this overwhelming sense of warmth and acceptance and love, it feels like being wrapped in a cozy blanket and being told everything is going to be okay. It's so amazing.

Tags: umm I guess since I mentioned them above, I'll tag @effervescentyellow !

[jnjxi]

Him|

Pavitr Prabhakar × sister figure!reader

Platonic ✿

Warning: a bit angst, Sed!Pav, platonic relationship, reader's brother died :'(

The first time I met Pavitr Prabhakar my heart started bleeding again while memories of my brother resurface violently in my mind.Pavrit is elated, always full of energy and smiling.

Oh, that smile so bright it blinds, that smile so like his.

---

I loved being Spider-Girl, I loved coming home to hear my brother talk about how much he admired her, how much he admired me. But that all changed the day neither she nor I were able to catch him.

For two years I hated Spider-Girl.

The day Miguel O'Hara told me his death was my canon event I wanted to sink and for the next year I hated the universe.

Then I met Pav.

Pav eased my pain. Him so sweet and innocent, Him with that contagious smile, Him with that unique hope, Him with that energy and joy, Him who hasn't yet experienced the ugly side of being a spider-person, Him who hasn't yet experienced that excruciating pain in the heart, self-hatred or anger at the world.

He's maybe too good to be spider-man.

Now before I go home I stop by Pavitr's house and listen to Him blather about his girlfriend. I listen to Him talk about how great his aunt is, how much he likes tea, how much he enjoys spending time with Hobie and Gwen and how obvious it is to His eyes that the new guy has a crush on her.

I listen to Him complain about too much homework he has to do for the next day, I listen to Him talk and see sparks in His eyes I see hope for a better world, I see the love and passion he puts into everything he does.

I often see that little boy who ran to hug me every time I came home, the same boy I visit at the cemetery every night after I've been in Pavrit universe.

---

Now I look at Pavitr with tears in my eyes. I look at him as he is hunched over with his hands on his hair and his gaze fixed on the hole that has now swallowed many buildings.

I look at Pavitr and the fear of being able to see him disappear confuses my thoughts.

I lean towards him, placing a shaky hand on his shoulder but he doesn't seem to even notice my presence.

«Pav?»

Nothing.

«Pavitr»

he turns slightly towards me, and despite the mask covering his face I can feel the fear and desperation in his face.

«Everything will be fine, you did good. No one died that's what matters.» I smile at him even though he can't see it.

«But they could have, and now there's a giant hole sucking up the buildings. It could destroy everything » his accent is even more marked by the frustration in his voice.

«Pav, It's not your fault, you couldn't predict it, no one could. You did your best» My words seem to annoy him somehow. He take the mask off his face in one quick motion.

Now the eyes full of sparks observe me shining with tears and guilt.

«It is! I'm Spider-Man, I'm the hero! I'm supposed to avoid these things, I'm supposed to protect the citizens, not destroy the city.» Right now I no longer see the joyful child who greeted me, I see myself, I see another spider person angry at themselves.

I wrap my arms around Pavitr's shoulders and hug him. I can feel his body relax against mine, his arms around my waist and his weight on my body.

One of my hands reaches into his soft hair, gently scratching the scalp and I feel his chest rise and fall erratically as he sobs against my shoulder.

«Everything will be fine, we will fix everything. I won't leave you alone to fight»

«Do you promise?» His voice muffled against ma shoulder.

«I promise»

Him so fragile and so strong. Him full of ambitions, Him ready to do anything to protect the city, his city.

I hate this. It's awfully, but I wanted to post something.

Btw HE IS SO CUTE AND SWEET I WANT TO SQUISH HIS CHEEKS.

[eclipse-song]

so reading through the new zine and wow. it's weirdly beautiful in a way that speaks to me a lot. growing up between one half of my family being catholic and the other being baptist (don't ask, they do hate each other) I was always expected to go to the big wig church events when visiting extended family. Mind you, my parents have disconnected themselves from religion, and so did I after a while. I wouldn't say I've been religiously traumatized in a way, but growing up always knowing I was different in some way compared to all the people in the churches around me did something to my mind. And as I found out I was pan, it dawned on me what it meant. I don't go to many church events with extended family for that reason afterwards, but it wrecks my mind in a way.

How can religions- specifically Christianity and all sorts of branching roots and such- claim to be about love and peace, yet so many people be hateful? How can a story about a man who was so unabashedly good- so much so to the point where he's arguably influenced major history events- be the reason for many peoples' prejudice? It's a question I ask myself on the daily. Maybe it's better for me to think less about it.

I dunno, these are all my weird ramblings going on about stuff while reading your Zine. I did genuinely enjoy it though. I suppose making me conjure up all these thoughts does actually do a great service, so compliments, I guess? I dunno.

I'm really glad my zine connected with you!!! I put religious trauma as a warning for people but honestly,,,,I don't know if I can classify myself as traumatized by religion. More like my trauma influenced my perception of religion.

I have a very strange relationship with things where I was raised catholic but my family was never strictly religious. We went to church most sundays but my mom complained about finding a new priest if it was too long or too preachy, and my dad never went to communion and never really explained why outside of not feeling the need to and we were all chill with that. We openly criticized the institution of the catholic church and were really left leaning politically. When Pope Benedict was chosen as the new Pope I was a little kid and watching the news with my uncle. He was a pothead retired DJ who spent half the year living with my grandma and I remember asking him "who's the new Pope?" and he told me "Benny the Rat." and I nodded like I understood what that meant and just thought it was super funny. I luckily never had any super right wing religious people I knew or encountered growing up. In highschool we had the rare conservative teacher but everyone rolled their eyes at them. After a while I just kinda came to terms with "idk what it is strictly out there, I just think it's nice thinking there are things we can't explain and the universe is full of lots of different beasties who can do things and it's much more fun and makes things a lot more interesting that way"

[because-its-eurovision]

[kicks down your door] I HEARD YOUR ANXIETY WAS TALKIN SHIT AND IM HERE TO THROW HANDS WITH IT

okay first off, I know how you feel, and you know that I know cus you've seen me have anxiety episodes with these similar feelings of not being good enough or being unimportant or unwanted during out shared time in BC fandom. so I would like to start just by squeezing your hand and reminding you that you're not alone or the only one to occasionally feel this way, your feelings are valid and you're allowed to feel them, even tho they're not based on anything rational and you don't deserve to feel like that, because you are important and valued by the people around you.

you don't owe a participation fee to be part of a fandom. not in money, not by dedicating a certain number of hours, not by creating a specific amount of content, not by reaching some threshold of followers to be considered popular enough to participate. if you like the thing, you qualify. that's all there is. also, fandom is not a limited space with a numbered seats where one person's involvement is somehow taking room from anybody else. fandom is a universe that expands infinitely as more and more people join. it's impossible to take up space that you wouldn't deserve, because there is always more room for everybody to join.

furthermore, I may not be in the Käärijä fandom but I've been lucky to share fandom(s) with you in the past, and I've seen the way you contribute. you have always been one of the nicest, most welcoming, supportive people around, you're so willing to answer everyone's questions and welcome them into your space, and I don't think you even realize how important it is to have people like that in fandoms. the love and kindness and encouragement you show to others has not gone unnoticed, and that is also a way of contributing, and something I've seen you do so much for as long as I've known you. I mean, where in the hell else am I supposed to throw my dumb ESC questions at? people are scary, so I need someone nice and easy to approach. I need you. so your claim about how you don't do your part is, with all due love and respect, complete bullshit anyway <3 you do more than enough, you just don't see it yourself.

last but not least, Käärijä gigs may be queer safe spaces, but they're not queer exclusive. in fact, very few, if any, queer spaces in the world are ever exclusive - even pride parades, drag shows or gay bars aren't, straight cis people who have the basic decency and respect towards the culture are welcomed to those too. so for a music show by an artist that, afaik, isn't even openly queer himself? you're absolutely 100% allowed to go and enjoy your time. it is your space just as much as everyone else's.

you're a fucking gift and the Käärijä fandom is fucking blessed to have you. I'm aggressively kissing your forehead and I hope you can make it and have fun at the cruise. you deserve it. 🖤

Coming from you, this means so much 🥺 and you just reached out to be nice and give encouraging words?? 😭🖤 You're the person I looked up to the most when BCtumblr was in its most active phase, and still do, because you always have your way with words and take time to be wise and insightful and kind to everyone passing by despite battling your own anxiety demons, and I know you have it so much worse than I do which again makes me feel guilty for complaining and extremely grateful for you being so supportive.

I'm just so tired of feeling ashamed of myself and like I'm never good enough, and the constant voice in my head telling that I should be funnier and nicer and braver and prettier and more outgoing and spontaneous, and you telling me that I'm kind and friendly is so nice but strange because I do not see that side in myself at all, and I maybe feel like being welcoming or answering asks isn't tangible enough?? Like you know as opposed to producing content, because I can't draw or write fics or make tiktok edits or memes or be the first to post or comment something, and while I do know it's not demanded and nobody gives a rat's ass about what I do or don't do or post, I kind of feel responsible to pay back to the fandom(s) that have given me so much. I believe that the feeling of never doing or being enough or the pressure of being constantly present isn't a fandom-specific problem but a part of everyday life now, for me at least, but in fandom spaces, bubbles, it is somehow more concentrated.

I'm also feeling constantly guilty about being white and cis and straight and healthy because there are so many around me that are not and a having hard times because of that, and I try to do my best for making the world a better place and be a good ally and a decent person, but I'm just one guy and I'm exhausted, and even right now there are multiple anon asks in my box calling me out and saying I'm disgusting because I'm not saying what they want to hear and posting the kind of content they'd like to see from me, and. it's just too much. i'm so tired of being alive sometimes.

Thank you for being in my life, Abby. Ily 🖤

[virtuousvigil]

i feel. so bad tonight. i'm really beating myself up about not being able to post "wanting wrapped in red" today; i'm scared shitless about not being able to get the other one "fate, forged from failure" up in time either and i literally want to sob about it.

i just... feel so down on myself? my friend keeps reminding me that it's silly to feel that way when the output i've had is literally on par with the level professional writers are at—my wpm is 93 w/ a 98% accuracy rate, and i average anywhere from 2k-6k words a day. typically around 5k, sometimes managing 10k+ on a really good day. that's... literally more than stephen king??? i know for a fact that i'm trying too hard and not pacing myself enough and that its NORMAL for these things to take time. that it's not my fault i saw the event post so late and during finals and that i invested my time fully to my partner when they were here rather than writing the whole time. and yet:

i feel like i'm failing. because despite that ability, i've only been able to actually work on anything for maybe a total of like. idk 10 days all month? i was supposed to do so much more. i couldn't even squeeze in the one prompt i really wanted to do. and i know i overloaded myself by jumping right back into school with no break, especially taking a whole literature and art history class that require a lot of attention... i understand that premise of promise was a hard one to get through, because as beautiful as it is it required me to do a lot of cross-referencing and reworking and research.

but god fucking damnit. i know it's just fanfic. i know the point is to have fun and I AM at the end of it. it's not that i don't enjoy writing. but i am feeling so down and anxious about the idea that i can't get this turned in on time for the event week. cause i just???? (°◠°)

i really want to participate more in things like this and not being able to get everything i had planned in makes me feel like a failure. i'm still bummed about missing out on the T4T zine that amsatasm would have been PERFECT for. i'm sad that i don't have the time i need to make what i want as quickly as i do and even though i logically know it's completely reasonable that it takes me as much time as it does to produce what i'm making, my emotional brain is just yelling that i'm a failure and it's because i'm not good enough, not trying enough, not prioritizing things enough.

i'm literally mad right now because my brain is fried out and can't write anymore of WWIR but i can apparently type all this and complain. i feel guilty for that, for the fact that i'm not working harder, doing more, able to just dump it all out. frustrated that my adhd means every time anything or anyone sidelines me or interrupts i am immediately pulled out of that zone and distracted and it takes sleeping or HOURS of downtime to get me back to a point i can work. i feel like i'm going to disappoint anyone who's supporting me with it, like i'm not going to be able to follow through with anything. and for some reason i am fixated on the idea that if i don't post these fics SPECIFICALLY for the BJW collection that no one will ever read them—which is IDIOTIC. AMSATASM is still my most popular work; i've never once added it to a collection, primarily advertised it here and occasionally bsky and it's by FAR the most successful one i've had. people aren't reading my works just because of a collection it's because they want to read it. yet i can't break that thought that it won't matter if i post these things after the collection cut off.

ugh. i know it isn't healthy or right. i know that my brain is playing tricks on me. i know that this is burnout i refused to address or give myself space for creeping up on me in the form of bad behavioral habits that make me want to push myself harder in response to it to "prove myself" or something. i know it's normal for real life obligations to take priority, that it's GOOD i'm not abandoning my friends or loved ones just to pour myself into my work even if it's kinda sorta all my brain wants to hyperfixate on lately. i know i'm gonna have to take a break and step away for a few weeks/months at some point this year and it just. really sucks. i don't want to. i want to create, i want to share it, i want to connect with others about the things i love and the work i'm doing. i want to inspire others and uplift them and support other creatives while also creating myself. i want to feel like enough, for myself, and i just. idk how to do that right now.

i don't know. it just sucks. it's a rough spot to be in, because i can intellectualize it back and forth for all eternity but it boils down to: i'm disappointed in myself, because i really wanted to be able to completely participate in this one thing and i can't. i won't be able to. i have an unrealistic expectation of myself with this, clearly; but that doesn't stop me from beating myself up for not meeting that standard. i really, really wanted these fics to be in there. i really, REALLY wanted to be able to feel accomplished that way. but it just... isn't possible for me to capture all these ideas this way in this timeframe.

maybe i'll make "fate forged in failure" more than just 2 chapters, break it up a bit more. or even do the same with wanting wrapped in red, so i can get it posted but add to it in a reasonable amount of time? my brain loves to yell at me that no one wants to wait around for me either, so that usually prevents me from breaking things up in chapters (that and i struggle with like... where do i cut it off so that it feels natural/how do i end this etc). but idk. maybe some exposure therapy to doing that is the best course of action. idfk. i just want to scream and cry. it's silly to let myself get to that point but it's not so much about anything other than a resurfaced feeling of failure due to not "completing" things by a deadline. for a decade i completed absolutely nothing; for a lot of that time i even gave up on starting. with art. with music. with writing. with everything—the only thing i routinely kept doing was journaling, and even then i felt awful bc for the longest time it wasn't consistent and i never dated it.

that's not how i operate anymore. i complete things, even if not to the standard i'd like, even when it's late. sure i don't complete everything but most things i do, and i always try to do it well. but this specifically is just flaring up some weird sort of internal RSD thing or some other secret third mental fucked thing that makes me feel like i'm just... a big old failure who can't do anything. cause again i can type all this and even post it like a crybaby but why couldn't i force myself to sit and write another 1k for WWIR or FFFF? or even AMSATASM? why couldn't i have spent this time completing it so that i could post it? and what if now that time wasted is why i miss the cutoff?

...i don't know. it's illogical and infuriating but it's making me so just. sad. angry. annoyed. and now tomorrow i have to manage somehow finishing it up and adding enough to ch1 for FFFF to be able to post by saturday, while balancing the fact that i have a group project for world Lit that i am (as always) the main one orchestrating. on top of all my other coursework. and helping sam because she's going through a bad breakup (not complaining there—i want to be there for her first and foremost, and most of my time away from writing HAS been that the last few days and i don't regret that at all, truly). and chores and feeding myself and taking care of the pets and my health and oh don't forget i have therapy at 10am tomorrow and i still haven't signed my ROI so i can start T and i need to go to the grocery store and i just

i want to cry. i need a clone. i need a weighted blanket. i need a cup of chamomile and a hug. i need a climax in both a literary and physical sense. i need to be able to finish these fics and get them posted, and then i need to go lay in the woods with my hand in the river for an hour while saying nothing and hearing nothing but birdsong and the babbling brook.

for now i guess i'll just go to sleep.

[mermaidsirennikita]

ARC REVIEW: A Song of Ash and Moonlight by Claire Legrand

3/5. Releases 9/17/2024 (in audio).

The Vibes: slow burn, star-crossed lovers, muuuusic

Heat Index: 5/10

The Basics:

Although the curse on her family has been listed, Farrin struggles with the loss of her missing mother—and the fact that, as the Middlemist weakens, she must ally with Ryder Bask. She loathes him... but their connection may run deeper than she realizes.

The Review:

I approached this book really hopeful that it would be an improvement over the previous installment, A Crown of Ivy and Glass. Which wasn't a bad book; it just had some clear weaknesses. Unfortunately, I think I actually liked this one a bit less, despite the fact that I was excited about Ryder and Farrin after some hints in the ACoIaG.

Here's the thing: This book was too long.

And that's a common complain of mine lately. It's too long for a romance, including a fantasy romance. I would argue that it's especially too long because the world really doesn't need that much building. I like that Legrand has a cohesive plot arching over three books here with an otherwise standalone love story in each one. I used to read a lot of trilogies in this vein by Nora Roberts, including fantasy and paranormal series. Although she wrote about different standalone couples in each one, she spent less time explaining the backstory of the world in the second and third installments... Because the first covered it.

For all that the love story is meant to stand alone here, you are meant to read the first novel before this one. Often, the first book in a series like this is the rockiest, with smoother transitions into the second or third. I don't know if this was rocky, per se. The plot wasn't bad, the couple should've worked for me...

But it was just so slow, and part of that was the length. Part of that was again, as I've said often in romance reviews, the focus on Farrin's POV. I didn't feel like I got to know Ryder, and if I don't know Ryder, how can I know their love properly?

Fantasy-heavy readers may actually like this more, and I feel that the fantasy and political (as it is) aspects of the plot worked better than they did in the last. But I just couldn't really attach myself to the characters. When I could focus on the plot, I wasn't bored. I just could've focused better, in my opinion, with better character development and tighter editing.

Another thing I would say—I like Legrand's prose. I liked Farrin's voice (and I love that she's neurodivergent). There are so many components here I should like, so I can't say it's a bad book. It just read like the glue was missing.

The Sex:

I was also, I won't lie, disappolnted by the drop in heat in this one. Yes, I suppose it theoretically made sense for Farrin and Ryder. But it could've made sense for them to have more sex, too. I don't think I'd care as much if I wasn't excited for this couple and expecting more based off the last novel.

There's a recipe here. It just either isn't for me, or there's something missing. I don't know if I'll pick up the next book, but if what you wanted more of was the fantasy and non-romance plot from the last novel, you'll probably enjoy this a lot more than I did.

Thanks to NetGalley and Dreamscape Media for providing me with a copy of this book. All thoughts and opinions are my own.

[merrilark]

Huh. Well, that was???

That was an episode lol

????

Not much of the way of spoilers below, but it is critique of the show so far. Prefacing by saying I am having a lot of fun and I'm enjoying Fifteen and adoring Ruby, but there is a lot of Critique™ all the same.

I'm just gonna do these in bullets bc that's easier.

Struggling to feel connected with the stories because I don't feel that it's letting us connect (Christmas Special and, imo, "Space Babies" aside), and I think that's because it feels like we've jumped into the middle of Ruby and Fifteen's relationship. Ruby keeps saying stuff that implies they've been traveling together MUCH longer than 6 episodes and they behave like they're best buddies, ride or die, and it doesn't totally feel earned?

Fifteen is lovely and undoubtedly The Doctor, but also he's just a bit too polished for my taste. I have to agree with a friend who said he's a little too much like a cool, popular kid, and lacks that slightly weird alien eccentricity.

I also miss the Doctor discovering himself. I enjoy Fourteen a lot and, some nitpicks aside, I think it was a fun way to bring Tennant back. But it also feels like Fourteen was a simple cop-out for getting to see more of Fifteen's growth. Instead he already feels fully formed and like he's ditched all the previous regenerations' baggage. I don't think it is quite that easy, mind, I think "Space Babies" implies that he's actually not as okay as he seems, but it still feels like an easy way out of him working through a lot of stuff.

Slightly related but Ruby upstages the Doctor by miles imo and has since after the Christmas Special. I'm not complaining, I just think it's interesting that this is the first time when I've watched the companion MUCH more than the Doctor.

Gosh, everything really is just very on the nose, isn't it? I suppose DW always could be a little hamfisted, but points whether it's messages or plot explanations feel very spoon-fed at times, and some of that spoon-feeding feels a little forced with not a lot of purpose.

Particularly, I'm talking about the "Finetime is racist" bit in the latest episode. I'm happy to see that others are happy with it and glad it exists, and maybe I'm just missing it because I'm not POC, but it felt like such a random point to make at the end without much narrative purpose because it happens literally right at the end and doesn't actually deal with it beyond "Finetime is racist to the point of being willing to die over it, Doctor is shocked bc this is a new experience for him". Maybe this revelation will crop up again and he'll have to deal with it more meaningfully in another episode but as it stands, I just thought it was a nice point to make but the execution felt empty. I hesitate to say "pandering" because I do think the writing is earnest and trying to be honest, but without giving it room for substance, it feels tacked on as an afterthought.

Which unfortunately I think is a problem with a lot of these episodes—they, or maybe just the Doctor—often feel empty. I can't quite place why. The heart is sometimes there, and it's often trying very very very hard to be there, but something about it just keeps whiffing the mark for me.

In general, I'm not super digging the magic angle. I understand why it's there (thanks, Fourteen) and it's fine but it's also not really my cup of tea.

I dunno. I am enjoying myself and it's nice to get excited again about Doctor Who, but I keep wishing for more than what it's giving. I'd say I'm getting too old but I'm still a massive kid at heart so I'm inclined to believe it really is just a writing and pacing issue.

Anyone else feel this way? I feel like I'm being a bit of a Negative Nancy.

[cj-writes-things]

Roses

A semi-horror short story, entirely told through the narration by the antagonist, with implied actions/dialogue by the reader here and there. Basically, an anthophile is taking you on a tour of her house

*disclaimer: I don't write much in the realm of horror, this was one of my attempts at venturing into the genre and was written maybe... 2 years ago? So it might be a bit lackluster or awkwardly written; constructive criticism is welcome as always :3

~~~

Why roses, you ask? They're so... beautiful, so fascinating. I wished to fill my whole life with them, and so I did.

Lovely red gardens surround my home; I've even got a statue of one in the center of the yard! Paintings and tapestries turn the walls into yet another rose garden, and the flowers decorate the pillows of my couch and fill various vases on every table.

In my study I have a shelf which holds every book about roses I could get my hands on- gardening guides, botanist's studies, poetry, you name it.

I even named my cat Rose, and the cat before her, and the cat before him, and so on.

I tried to dye rose patterns into my hair, but it always turned out quite messy and a bit gruesome-looking. So I decided to have them tattooed all over my body instead!

Ah, you've noticed all the smoke. There are a lot of rose-scented candles burning around the house. My shampoo, lotion, and all that- those are rose-scented too! Isn't it a delightful aroma?

I'm glad you agree. My neighbors didn't like it so much. They whispered about me behind my back, calling me awful things like "obsessed" and "fanatic," but they simply didn't appreciate my dedication toward my interests.

But anyway, off of such distasteful topics! Would you like some rose hip tea? I enjoy a cup every afternoon, and you're just in time. There are cupcakes under that glass, if you'd like one. Pretty, aren't they? Cake without sugared rose petals decorating the frosting is a culinary travesty, if you ask me.

Why are you looking at me like that? What do you mean, "all the cabinets are full of dead roses?" Of course they are! Do you think I'd just throw them out after they wilt? Don't be silly. You're starting to sound like my neighbors.

Well, if you don't like my kitchen, at least come down to see my personal laboratory. I'm something of a botanist myself. Come along; we're almost done with the tour.

Just down these stairs here, and through this door-

Yes, the room is soundproofed; I can't have anything disturbing my work, now can I?

Well, what do you think? Topiaries, strangling vines, the biggest roses you've ever seen- I'm quite proud of it all. I've been playing around with horticulture, genetic manipulation, controlled growth-

What are you doing?

That door is locked, silly. You won't get out that way. Why do you look so frightened, anyway?

Oh, that? That was Paul; he lived two doors down. He said my climbing vines were ugly, so I thought he ought to get to know them better. They're quite close now, as you can see. Isn't that nice? Paul doesn't insult my plants anymore, that's for sure!

Stop shaking, dear, you'll knock over my flower pots. They weren't originally that red, did you know?

Ah, well, how could you have? But don't fret, I'll let you in on the secret: I acquired the all-natural red paint from my annoying neighbor Shirley.

She used to complain about all the thorns that got into her yard from my rosebushes, said they were getting stuck in her children's feet. I figured, well, I'd give her something to complain about!

Though she doesn't do much of that these days; it's hard to whine with a four-foot thorn through your stomach, as one might expect.

I don't suppose you want to see the rest?

No?

All right, well that concludes our tour then.

"Leave?" No, silly, you don't leave at the end of my tour. Now you get to join the collection!

Isn't that exciting?