#But I dont think I'd go to the extent

[adriartts]

some griffons

[mumintroll]

howww do you keep a routine and not stagnate and turn to jelly when u have no school or employment or any responsibilities and all ur time is ur own

[onecoolocelot]

no srsly tho is like the concept of like letters to my younger self and knowing how your younger self would feel about your present self figurative or do ppl actually like have a connection with their younger self and remember things their younger self wanted and stuff like that???

[swagging-back-to]

ok here's my ranking of all the mcu heroes that i actually know.

Based on how they act IN THE MOVIES seeing as im more familiar with them than the comics.

no one cares but i want to compare it in like a month LOL

so heres my current faves <3

explanation for all my hated ones;

she hulk doesnt need an explanation, vision is a domestic abuser and a fucking loser who deserved to die sooner, thee wasp is ANNOYING AS FUCK IN END GAME I COULD GO ON FOR A WHOLE PARAGRAPH LITERALLY EEVERYTIME SHES ON CAMERA SHES LOOKING AROUND LIKES A CLUELESS FUCKING MORON!!!!!! captain marvel also doesn't need an explanation theeres not a single person alive who likes her, and ghost rider was played by nick cage who is gross asf so the character is gross asf

second image is going off of humor and third image is off of ability, nerfing, and acting believability.

[23starii]

Pleasant Surprise - tendo x reader

Summary: He's used to girls trying to get through him to get to Ushiwaka. He knows no girl actually wants to be with him or get to know him. None of the gifts he receives are ever actually for him. Until you approach him one day after practice.

Warnings/notes: insecurity, speculation, rudeness, but, tbh not that much, short reader (shorter than Tendo). Chat I literally wrote all of day two and left to find a divider AND TURNS OUT EVERYTHING DELETED SO I HAD TO REWRITE THE WHOLE THING 😆😆😆😆😆

Day one

Practice was finally over.

Tendo loved it. It was another good day for him and the team.

What he didn't quite loves was-

"E-excuse me?" A tiny feminine voice to his left.

"Can I help you?" He answered, almost rudely. He knew what was to come, especially with the way you held the small, neatly wrapped gift box in between your hands.

"I'm really sorry to bother you, Tendo.." You began, shyly looking up at the taller male.

Tendo almost rolled his eyes. He wanted to just tell you to go away. He couldn't take it anymore. He just wanted to go home, but here you were, a cute girl saying his name with the sweetest voice trying to use him to get to his buddy.

It would be nice not to be looked over for once. Not only was it annoying to have to go through this nearly every day but painful, too. You were so cute and pretty. He recalled seeing you around and watching their practice several times.

"I made this for you. I was wondering if you'd accept it?" The girl brought her arms up higher, showing off the tiny box to the volleyball player.

"Listen-" Tendo almost answered in his usual way, telling girls to just go away because Ushiwaka didn't want their gifts anyway but then he realized what you said.

A gift for him? This was new. You wanted to earn his trust and get close to him just so he could introduce you to Ushiwaka. Didn't you?

Figures.

"U-um, you don't have to.. if you don't want to." You spoke up after Tendo was quiet for some time, thinking.

"Is it for me?" He wondered.

"Yes! It's for you! I made this just for you, Tendo."

Before he could say anything, you decided to keep speaking your mind, making sure he understood the extent of your purpose for being in front of him today.

"I've been coming to watch you practice for some time now.. you're amazing. You're so tall and a great blocker! I can tell you enjoy playing the game very much.. you always have a smile on your face when you play. And I enjoy watching you..very much as well."

Tendo was stunned, to say the least. You spoke without even looking at him. What you said didn't sound rehearsed or bogusly put together.

He wasn't sure what to say or do. He didn't know if he was convinced either.

"I took the time to learn that you really like chocolate too.. so that's why I made it for you. It took me a while to get the recipe right, but I did it just for you.. so I would really appreciate it if you could accept my hard work." You stared at the floor, face flushed and embarrassed, arms stretched out. You couldn't believe you poured nearly your whole heart out to him when he hadn't even said more than one word to you.

"Um.. okay. Thank you very much. I'll make sure to have these later." Tendo took the small box from your pretty hands. He had never been in a situation like this before - he hoped his answer wasn't too blunt or that he made you feel dumb for being here.

"Please! Let me know if you like them! Or if you dont.. I'd be very happy to make more for you!" You bowed quickly before speeding off in the opposite direction, cheeks burning.

You really hopped you hadn't said too much.

Tendo watched you walk away, cocking his head slightly to the his right, puzzled.

Could it be that you really did make it for him because you wanted to give it to him?

Could it be true that you really had been watching him and not Ushiwaka?

"Damn. That girl was really nervous." He hears Semi from his left speak.

"Aw man! You're so lucky, Tendo! She was cute.." Goshiki gushes from his right.

"Yeah, she was.."

Day two

The next day, Tendo walked the halls with the knowledge that somewhere in the same building, there was a girl who made the best chocolates he's ever had.

He hardly thought of anything else since he popped one of the treats into his mouth the night prior. He couldn't believe something so delicious could be made. And just for him nonetheless.

He hoped your words were truthful. He hoped he would see you again that afternoon so he could thank you.

Tendo made his way toward the gym, where he would be partaking in the usual practice routine.

When he arrived and was fully changed into his gym clothes, he made sure to warm up with his teammates.

He stretched and received a few balls, making sure to keep an eye out for you.

The redhead made sure to glance over at the students' section every so often.

Tendo was quite disillusioned to find you nowhere to be seen.

An hour into practice, he figured you just weren't coming. He had been tricked, hadn't he.

Oh well.

There's no way a girl like you would seriously be into him.

He decided to go on as if nothing had happened, as per usual. He continued giving it his all during practice as was expected from him.

.

.

.

Tendo exited the changing room, having his regular school uniform on now. He could hear his younger teammates messing about in the room behind him while he bent down low, grabbing his shows and placing them in front of himself.

"Tendo." He hears the firm, stoic voice of his best buddy call out.

"Hey! Wakaaa!" The lankier boy teased with the nickname, looking off in Ushijima's direction whilst putting his left shoe on.

"There was a girl looking for you." The barely taller male spoke.

"A girl?" Tendo repeated, moving on to his right shoe.

"I thought she was gonna ask me for my autograph. Instead, she asked me about you." Ushiwaka informed, with his usual straight face.

Tendo straightened up his body, finishing up with his shoes he turned his full attention to his friend.

"Where is she?" The redhead asked, picturing your shaky figure holding out the gift he enjoyed so much.

Ushiwaka shrugged.

"She was outside the gym, last time I saw her."

Tendo thanked his friend and quickly made his way back to the gym, hoping he hadn't missed you.

He was relieved to find you curiously standing about right outside the gym.

"Excuse me?" He spoke, stepping to you.

You quickly turn around to meet the boy, your hair whipping the air from the speed.

"Tendo!" You spoke, surprised.

"I'm shocked, I didn't think I'd see you again or have the chance to thank you for those chocolates." Tendo teased, reffering to your absence earlier.

He watched your face twist into guilt.

"I am only able to see you when my club activities end early. I'm so sorry! Did you like the gift then..?" You ramble, apologetically, your cheeks flushing.

Tendo suddenly found it increasingly difficult to hide how flattered he is by your presence.

You took the time to come see him after your own club activities and even asked Ushiwaka about him. And the way you messed with your uniform nervously as you spoke was adorable in his eyes.

"Like it? I loved it!! I've never had anything so good before." His face warmed up.

"Really?? It was a family recipe.. I barely learned it, so I'm glad you enjoyed them!" You gave another sweet smile, almost as sweet as the treats the boy had last night.

"You'll have to teach me that recipe some time, cause seriously, I've never had anything like that before!" He gushed, hoping he didn't sound too enthusiastic.

You blush at his compliments.

"So.. do you enjoy making sweets too, Tendo?" You wonder, hoping the two of you might find something in common, it would be beneficial to keep the conversation going which you hoped would happen.

"Actually, I've never baked or anything like that. But, if it's possible to make something that good, I'd like to learn it."

You were happy that he took such interest in you. You honestly hadn't expected it. You were just some girl after all. It warmed your heart and the tips of your ears.

"By the way, you were looking for me? Ushiwaka told me."

Again, your cheeks flushed and you stiffened up.

"Well, I wanted to see you! I am a fan of yours, you know!" You laughed awkwardly admitting you truly did just want to see him.

Tendo's cheeks warmed further equal to yours now.

You wanted to see him? His fan? A pretty girl?

Could words be ever more flattering? Could you make him any more embarrassed? He seriously couldn't believe it.

You really called yourself his fan.

"Oh, wow. I didn't know I had such a beautiful fan." He sputtered, relieved that he hadn't stuttered. He almost missed your expression after those words.

Your face dropped, and he could see the visible pink hue that coated your pretty cheeks.

"I-Well, you know, I mean.. you're awesome and like also super! And beautiful.. too.." Your eyes widened from your own words. How could one stumble over themselves so damn much?

You internally beat the shit out of yourself. There's no way you didn't totally just blow it.

You almost missed how his eyes widened, too, and he blushed. Tendo looked as if you could eat him right up right then and there.

"Jeez.. you really came here just to flatter me." Tendo couldn't ignore the fact that no one had ever called him beautiful before. You were the first. And damn, it was a really nice feeling.

He couldn't believe it. This had to be a dream.

You couldn't really reply after how badly you stuttered you were surely traumatized from the embarrassment.

"So, how about that recipe?"

The boy eased your nerves by not turning away or insinuating that he disliked you. He wouldn't anyway. No way in a million years would he walk away.

You smiled, taking a deep breath to calm yourself before continuing the conversation.

You gave him a social media account of your choosing so he could contact you.

Tendo asked about your club, and the two of you spoke of your many interests. He even walked with you to your bus stop.

You found that the two of you didn't have much in common, but his interest in your hobby of baking and making sweets just might change that.

It might even create a duo of married chocolatiers.

✧˖*°࿐

[squishytenya]

Hey Do you remeber your Tenya and Aizawa ask, with y/n Crying? What about some of the other casts like Katsuki or Ejiro?

if you dont mind please and thank you

They Make You Cry Headcanons

I lowkey had to search my own blog for this but I found it! thanks for the request <3

Pairings - Bakugou x gn!reader, Kirishima x gn!reader + Kaminari x gn!reader

Warnings - arguments, cursing, crying

Katsuki Bakugou

▹part of being in a relationship with Katsuki is dealing with his harsh personality. Even if he does calm down the older he gets, it's still probably not to the same extent of a normal human being.

▹he probably would be completely speechless the moment you started crying after an argument - straight up would not know how to respond to that.

▹his eyes would go wide and he would go to take a step towards you and then bring himself back, holding his arm to himself.

▹"hey... don't do that"

▹for all his faults Katsuki is, deep inside, a good person and he knows this is the kind of shit you lose relationships from and he really really doesn't want to lose you.

▹ but he does know he can be a bit much and he probably takes a while to come down from whatever he's feeling so he just kinda leaves for a few minutes

▹ he comes back with a cup of tea and perches gently on the bed next to you, avoiding eye contact

▹he would do his best to spit out an apology, but it's not something that would come naturally to him. Seeing your face crumple like it did is still replaying in his mind and he knows he has to fix this somehow - so he does his best to explain himself

▹eventually he would just stop rambling and take your hand in his, squeezing it gently.

▹"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that to you"

▹ he'd just sit by you, hand in his until you were ready to talk to him and talk over what had led to the argument in the first place and he really does take your words to heart about what upset you

▹he'd try to cut down on raising his voice and try to cut out teasing nicknames entirely, unless he knew you were okay with them already

▹a sweet guy really

Eijirou Kirishima

▹I cannot see Kiri upsetting you on purpose, even during an argument he isn't the type to yell or get super angry with you

▹him making you cry is most likely a complete accident on his part, or even him accidentally playing into an insecurity you have without properly thinking about it

▹when your relationship first started out, I think he probably didn't understand you might not be comfortable with the things he's comfortable with, especially during social situations

▹ also probably doesn't understand others might read his kindness as flirting, so when you two are invited to a hero party to socialise and he pretty much ignored you the whole night, he had no idea why you began tearing up on the way home

▹obviously, he's worried about why you're crying and what he did! and how he can fix it is at the forefront of his mind almost immediately after noticing

▹and when you explain it to him, he pretty much crumbles straight away - he is in disbelief that he made you feel that way

▹he falls over himself explaining that he didn't mean to make you feel that way, he was just overwhelmed by the pressure of hero society and got caught up

▹Kiri is very good at admitting when he is wrong, and puts a lot of effort into having healthy communication in his relationships - platonic or otherwise

▹pulls over the car literally just so he can hold both of your hands in his and make eye contact as he explains his actions, specifically so you understand he's being genuine

▹"I'd never do that to you on purpose, you're the most important person to me"

▹after your sniffles have subsided, he pulls you into a hug and promises never to do something like that again - and you bet he keeps his promise!!!

▹takes you to get food too, just as an extra apology and you sit in the car park eating ice cream together - he makes sure you're the center of his attention the entire time <3

Denki Kaminari

▹oh he's so stupid. he's so lovely, but so, so stupid.

▹honestly he probably says something insanely embarrassing in front of your friends and pays no attention to how that might make you feel, especially if you're close to these people

▹doesn't even notice when the room goes completely silent and nobody is talking but him, it takes one of his friends clearing their throat for him to notice your eyes filling with tears

▹in his defense, he does try to explain himself straight away and takes you into another room to have the conversation (at the very least) but it takes a little bit more explaining to him why his actions would upset you

▹doesn't really get it at first but you explaining, and your face as you cry, makes his heart hurt and he tries to rectify his actions as soon as he can

▹the first thing he thinks to do in that moment is bundle you up in his arms and rock the both of you back and forth to calm you down, which works a little more than you'd like to admit

▹runs his hands over your back, up and down, until your breathing evens out - does not give a shit about anyone outside of you two in that moment

▹once you've stopped crying, full on apology - hands and knees!

▹he seems genuinely heartbroken to have embarrassed you and takes full responsibility for what he did

▹ kicks everyone else out of the house and spends the rest of the evening making it up to you and reminding you of how important you are to him and just how sorry he is

I hope these were good! I haven't written in ages so this'll be the first comeback headcanons, hope you guys enjoyed it <3

[420technoblazeit]

one of my favorite parts of writing two mages au viktor and mel is that theyre constantly testing each other. like yes they have a shared goal and a relationship that requires a fair bit of trust. mel believes viktor when he says that the arcane was corrupting him and viktor in turn believes that mel is trying to do good in noxus. but i also dont think trust comes naturally to either of these characters which is how we get interactions like mel mentioning the herald just to see what viktor's reaction will be even though she knows it's a source of trauma for him. or viktor pushing back on mel's plans and making it clear that he knows what the medardas have done and to some extent still views her within the context of her family

i think they both know the position that this partnership puts them in and they understand the risks involved in that. but theyre also grieving and desperate for company so instead of being normal about it theyre playing 5d chess with each other death note style like insane people. and it's mean but i think mel and viktor share the sentiment of if i'm going to be betrayed i'd rather have it happen sooner rather than later. and i don't know if i can trust this person yet so i'm going to poke and prod at every vulnerability i can find just to make sure

[theriverdraws]

100k VIEWS!!! WOOO!!

Not my first or second video to reach this number, but definitely the one im most proud of.

Gonna ramble about my thoughts while making this, because I think about it a lot:

- It has been a couple of years since I started it (see desc.), but from what I remember I had this idea because this song popped up on my feed, and I really liked it (had not listened to the eng version before), looped it for a while, and then I was like "...wait this sounds like the warners doesn't it" and it all escalated from there.

- I needed them to kidnap someone, and I think I chose mickey because I had recently made an animaniacs & mickey mouse video and I really liked it, so I just chose to torment him again lmao.

Im actually realizing now that having him be the one kidnapped makes even more sense. In the song, it's halloween gremlins kidnapping santa claus - so the equivalent of WB gremlins kidnapped Mickey Mouse the disney mascot, is pretty perfect. Would like to say this was the plan since the beginning but that would be a lie smdjks.

- I really like the Animaniacs, "Who Killed Roger Rabbit?", and "Looney tunes back in action" takes on a "cartoons living with humans" universe, so in this video it's kinda of a mixture of all three of these - hence toon town (in my head it's mainly disney cartoons that live there, however the really big stars probably got their own houses in human cities I'd imagine). Mickey himself then follows the logic of his personality just being how he was drawn. He's just an average guy. Probably got nicer over the years since bro's personality ended up turning into a slice of bread by Disney, because he had to be the face of the company. My favorite version of Mickey is the one on the Mickey Mouse shorts though, so you can imagine this specific version of him on this video (I know it doesnt look like it in the beginning, I did not know how to draw mickey a couple years ago dnjdjs). In this video Mickey isn't really as evil as the company, he's just the mascot stuck with them. I would say bro is just a doormat. He wouldn't agree with all of their actions, but I dont even think he would acknowledge most of them, make a lot of excuses for them probably. Overrall he's like, fine.

- I needed a CEO to be Oogie Boogie because well.. Who would be better for it?? When I started this 2 years ago, I was deciding between Plotz and Rita (reboot CEO), I was gonna choose her because the Warners were scared of her to some extent, and I can't really imagine them being scared of Plotz. But this year, having picked this video back up, I am filled with great amouns of rage. Therefore, Zazza the clown was born (fuck you David).

- The lore is Zazza the clown sat down on a big chair one day, and people in suits made him CEO. He is an annoying, evil, money grubbing bastard. But also very stupid, so he's not that scary except when he's doing his bad ideas.

- The Warners aren't scared of him though, they are mainly doing this for fun because annoying Disney and the rat would be funny. However, going a bit deeper, they do crave praise and affection from those who hate him (aka the CEO, the entire company, any person with a brain that's around them at all times), so they are also doing this for those reasons. In the original show, there's even an episode where Plotz is not the CEO anymore, and they managed to get him back because they missed him yelling at them (probably not a direct quote, but it was something like that). The children are not well snjene. But yeah they're not taking sides nor scared, they're just doing whatever they want and maybe getting a fist bump out of it. (They are not going to get anything).

- Had to hit them with the PTSD about getting locked in a tower though jsjske, it had to match the lyrics.

- nsjsk actually the lyrics probably make the Warners sound more evil than what I picture them (though I do see them as really big menaces). To be fair, in Nightmare Before Christmas, Lock Shock and Barrel sing this whole song about torturing Santa Claus, only to just put a bag on him and give it to Jack directly. That's probably all that the Warners are gonna do in the end, maybe play with him for a bit but eh. (WB will not pay for psychological damages).

- I didn't plan a motive as to why the clown wants Mickey. Uhhhhh blackmail? Idk, feel free to come up with a reason.

- I always drew the Warners with fangs, you can see my other videos and old fanart on Tumblr. When the reboot was still airing, I drew like it looking like canine teeth, but originally I really liked drawing the cartoonish fangs like you see here, and recently I decided to start doing that again.

I think that's it! Probably a lot of grammatical mistakes (it's 5:40 AM), but I'm not editing this sjkeje. All I have left to say is I GOT TWO COMMENTS ABOUT THIS BEING A 18+ VIDEO, GUYS WATCH THE VIDEO BEFORE COMMENTTING WDYMMMM. THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH THUMBNAIL, YOUR BRAIN IS JUST ROTTING.

[thetepes]

so gen question i hope doenst come across as offensive, but in your bio you say you dont like how the topic of lily is discussed and thats why you made ur blog. but it seems like you're agreeing with the other blogs in the lily-sphere uncritically. so which ones were you initially frustrated with, and what was the behavior you found so wrong in the first place?

I also think the lily hating has long since crossed over into lolcowing, to the extent that its very difficult to imagine real accountability is possible anymore. I agree with the stance you take in a lot of your posts, and then i see you reblogging and agreeing with the worst offenders in the lily sphere so like. have you changed your mind?

Look, I'm upset right now so excuse me if I'm terse, but I've REPEATEDLY and VERY LOUDLY admonished people for not giving a shit about her racism and homophobic bullshit.

I am extremely critical of who I reblog because there are plenty of people in this space who are just in it for the attention and bants, I've not been shy about that. I refuse to even follow people who post worthless shit.

I know you mean Sai, just say Sai. Sai has talked repeatedly about Lily's abuse of Courtney, Britt, in general, her trying to take away both her and Ant's channels, her racism, and her pedo inclinations. She might not cover it in totality on stream or in one big long video, but she doesn't shy from it. She's talked about it on stream.

She's also the only one of 3 people who checked on me behind the scenes after I was racially abused and purposefully triggered. She's also been one of Britt's loudest supporters.

I don't agree with her on a lot, I've openly not agreed with her on a lot. I've told her personally what I don't agree with her on. I've told her she can be out of pocket. She's one of those fun people you can go "Ayo, I disagree." and have a conversation with. There are some things she's just not going to budge on, donkey of a woman, and that's just fine with me.

And let's be fucking real, she's one of few in this space that takes the racism seriously. I've seen what people say. I know they only care until someone cries "You're not focusing on the important topics enough" then they call it "Lily being mean" because maybe six people in this space at most can handle confrontation and their ally ship only extends to the tip of their nose.

The media takes matter because that's where she shows her racism, xenophobia, homophobia, and pedophile inclinations the most. She couldn't even review hamtaro without making it weird with adding incest and sexualizing a literal baby hamster. Going over the media takes shouldn't be the main focus, but it serves a very good purpose.

My aim on here was to talk about her racism. It matters. Even if it's just me screaming about it in this godforsaken space, it matters. I'm tired of racism being given a free pass because it's progressive to hate asians and fetishize anyone darker than tea stain on teeth. I'm tired, as a CSA survivor, of the shit she's made like The MLP pedophile rape game getting a free pass.

I'm tired of people like you pretending none of this matters anymore because there was no big Lily left the internet blow up. That's not how things work most of the time, sorry. People like her and Birdie and Patricia and any of the other people I've mentioned on here don't take accountability and the police don't give a shit about online crimes most of the time. I'd know, I was blamed by them for being groomed as a kid and told I wanted it because I went in those spaces.

All we can do is keep pointing it out, supporting victims, and raising awareness of not just Lily, but other people like her that just will not face the justice their victims deserve while trying to mitigate harm. If you don't want to be a part of that, fine. Harm reduction is work and it's work you will not be acknowledged for. My advice is curate your experience like an adult. That's the healthiest and happiest way to live your life online and off.

So no, I've not changed my mind.

[eggtomatosoup]

I'm curious about how you designed your oc ! (I dont know the name of her sorry)

The anatomy of the skeleton is interesting like a raptor with long digits do you kinda just wing it or do you look at specific things for refs?

i can't find the thing rn but she's Really heavily based off this one gif of like... an anime girl catgirl head on a mechanical raptor body. kind of to an embarrassing extent. I like to think she's changed enough that it isn't Super copying at this point...

first time I drew her.... most design changes have been to make it easier and more streamlined to draw. (I still think this looks nice but it's hard to do consistently... There was originally gonna be more flesh and skin on her body but who had time for all that.) I was looking at velociraptor skeletons for a bit too, especially before working on the animatic to try and be more consistent but now I'm usually just doing whatever.

second time I drew her. you can see I gave up She's Got Too Much Going On lol...

....Don't really remember why her fingers got so long though... praying mantis vibe? yaoi hands? those bird wing type proportions? i don't know but now I'm kind of attached to it...

her head shape was also really inconsistent... now it's more rectangular/vaguely cameralike, hopefully. also ended up getting rid of her little antennae because I'd always forget to draw them. a bit after this I ended up drawing her a lot for an assignment and simplified everything down a lot... so her overall shape got more slim and I settled on specific"rules" (amount of "teeth" she has on her "face" (the grid thing), general neck length... I still draw her super inconsistently but. You know how it is.

like .... Her tail changes so much each time I draw it. lol. I'll eventually settle more......

[trud-hub]

Personality HCs for TRUD!C00lk1dd:

for anyone confused, this isnt the forsaken vers

(im pretty sure 99.9% of my speculations aren't canon, and this makes no sense, and i need to work on my requests, but let me have my fun damn it!! I LOVE CHARACTER ANALYSES!!!!!!!!)

btw warning fkr some swears

C00lk1dd:

I think it would be interesting if C00lk1dd's old backstory was kept with some changes, but he retains his current personality

Judging by his new voicelines, C00lk1dd is deranged (how he laughs), crass (in the 3 voicelines he has, he swears in 2 of them), and spiteful ("I got you, you STUPID boink")

Assuming that Bloodmoon's mechanics remain unchanged in the big 4.0 because of the voiceline, that would mean that C00lk1dd still has his short temper. In the now outdated Google Document of his original personality, his Bloodmoon ability is activated when he isn't able to down survivors

So C00lk1dd is vulgar, insane, spiteful, and irritable. Great. But if we're keeping his old backstory, how did this gentle soul turn into such a psychotic monster?

Amnesia and the Xploit.

Amnesia doesn't alter your personality traits, but it does change your behavior. Let's say C00lk1dd has already had anger issues before, but he's managed to keep them under control unlike in the present. What could be the root of his anger issues?

In the wiki, it's said that C00lk1dd crashed out because of Builderman's harshness and his friend unjust termination. Could this imply that he has a strong sense of justice?

Maybe it's this moral compass of his that makes C00lk1dd so angry all the time. The wiki mentioned that C00lk1dd has ADHD. I did some googling and found out that people with ADHD have heightened justice sensitivity (correct me if i'm wrong, i dont have ADHD myself)

Justice sensitivity essentially means one is sensitive to perceived injustices. They react emotionally to it, they obsess over it, and they have an urge to undo or fix it (source)

Which is why I don't think C00lk1dd would let people trample all over him. Despite his gentleness, he still has the resolve to do what is right (i hate how i neglected this in my first c00lk1dd headcanons post... stop reading that shit guys please its so bad)

But this might be what makes him reckless. Why do I think he's reckless? He immediately resorted to hacking to get vengeance for his friend. Can't he try appealing their ban first? You know, talk it out with the admins?

No. He makes an executor and starts hacking right away. Go king!

Although recklessness is an interesting trait for him to have, this contradicts C00lk1dd's justice sensitivity. Why would he solve injustice with even more injustice? That's not fair — by hacking, he drags innocent people into this mess all to avenge one person

I'd like to think he at least tried to bring up this issue with the admins peacefully before resorting to drastic measures

Which is where, instead of John Doe, 1x1x1x1 comes in. I've heard somewhere on the discord server that, in the new lore, 1x1x1x1 had given the killers a deal they couldn't refuse. When all other options had been exhausted, 1x comes in like a knight in shining armor

I know that past C00lk1dd would never accept the deal had he known the full extent of it. So what if 1x1x1x1 manipulated him into thinking he could ? Spun some lies — left a few details out. Past C00lk1dd may not be cruel, but he sure is desperate and reckless. The admins won't listen to him, his friend won't come back, what else is there to do? Moving on is off the table of course

And so, he joins. Worst decision of his life

The Xploit messed up his brain, stripping him of all rationale. It strengthens his desire for vengeance, but he forgets the reason behind it. All he remembers is this anger within him that refuses to die down, making him constantly angry

Now, C00lk1dd fights for a cause long deceased. He probably lies to himself often after each round, telling himself that the survivors all deserved their fates

Deep down, he slowly starts doubting it

ok goodnight guys i sleep take care of urselves 🫶

i might do more for the other killers. id love to hear ur opinions on this

[liquid-bonhomme]

Tw: Heavy topic discussion ahead.

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So I have suffered with suicidal ideation for the majority of my life. As long as I can remember-- even when I was a child to some extent.

Despite current awareness of mental health issues, honestly, I don't think we have as a society really resolved yet how to earnestly address the issue. I don't blame people for not knowing what to say to suicidal people or just defaulting to the whole "oh I'm sorry, you're not alone, blah blah blah" song and dance. I get they don't know what to say, but.

The issue with being always suicidal is that it's kinda a bitch to figure out how to just live with? You don't want to worry people, or emotionally burden them, you dont want them walking on eggshells around you forever because they think at any moment they could accidentally push you over the edge. Because the conversation around suicidal ideation is so focused on NOT being suicidal anymore, it functionally silences people in a well-meaning, but still harmful way.

Like, let ol' uncle Eldritch affirm for anyone reading this right now: it's OKAY to be suicidal. Not okay as in, indulge the urge. But suicidal ideation is a mental health concern like any other. It's not your fault, and stressing yourself out that you feel this way will do you no good. Accepting a feeling is not the same as acting on it.

For most people the feeling is temporary, but the reality is for some of us it's not. The feeling might be more intense sometimes than others, but it's okay if they're always there. Strange thing to say, I know, but you don't owe anyone happiness. You don't owe anyone self-contentment. Yes, we all want those things, but getting upset with yourself that you haven't achieved that beyond healthy degrees is a vicious cycle that will only make you more miserable.

There's a difference between treating negative emotions as an undesirable outcome, and treating them as if they're a mistake. As if they're not often enough a logical outcome to many of life's challenges, especially these days.

Counterintuitive, I know, but accepting that someday I might lose the battle with my own suicidal ideation probably saved my life at several low points. Something I've had to reaffirm within myself several times over my life. And something it's been very hard to get other people to understand.

The problem may be bad, but it's almost always the stigma that makes it dire.

I'm not going to pretend there isn't some degree of a grain of truth to the idea that some people use suicidal intent to get attention, but that's a gross and misleading oversimplification of the issue. Some people have no suicidal intent, but use it as a means of manipulating others. I'd say those types of people are rarer than you might imagine, but yes, they exist. I'd say the majority of people, especially the ones who express the thought over and over again, just don't know what to do with their feelings. They're looking for an outlet, an explanation, validation, solidarity-- something. They're looking to not feel so isolated anymore, having feelings they know they "shouldn't be having." As stated above, our society still doesn't accept the feelings as acceptable even if we've moved the dial on the topic, and they're feeling shame and frustration that they just can't quite move past that.

I don't want to speak for everyone but I do believe I'm very much not alone on this when I say the phrase "I want to die"/"I'm suicidal" with the same type of intent I say, "I want to sleep," or "I'm hungry." I'd rather be awake and full, but, I'm currently feeling compelled to satisfy the urge to go to bed or eat. I'd rather be alive, however, dying feels like a very tempting offer. Inconveniently, of course, that craving happens to have permanent results. Can't go back to living if/when I have enough spoons to keep going, boo.

That's a very confusing sensation to grapple with-- understanding your life is a finite resource you aren't going to be able to get back, but also, being fucking sick of it. It's hard to know what to do about that-- especially because, again, you aren't ALLOWED to feel that way apparently.

If that feeling can be fixed it should, but some of us don't have that luxury. Some of us are broken in a way you can patch up, but we can never be fully restored to a mint-like condition. We still have value, we still are useful and can be fully realized people, if there was only room for us to be taken as we are and not how people want us.

Outrageously irresponsible and fucked Lily had the balls to give advice on this, if that even has to be said. Rest assured, she's on my "To Haunt" list if I do end up offing myself (in Minecraft.)

[sultrydxrling]

BIG WEREWOLF STEP BROTHER/ X /LITTLE FEM BUNNY STEP BROTHER/ 5k words.

Part 1 HERE!

( I hate using Y/N but it will be used at least once.) BIG BRO TEACHES LITTLE BROTHER HOW TO JERK OFF T DICK AND MAKES HIM INTO THE PERFECT TOY.

(STEPCEST/FTM/FEM FTM/ AFAB/ X CIS STEP BROTHER/ MANIPULATION/ R@PE/ FORCED INTOX/ PASSING READER AROUND BETWEEN HIS FRIENDS)

PT 2

We both laughed as we raced to the back porch, our mother was waiting on the porch swing, while our dad was cleaning the freshly used grill. We took a deep breath in through our noses and could smell the char of what he'd cooked. They both smiled softly as they watched us emerge from the trail and the trees. Mom called out

"Dinner's ready! you're home just in time I made burgers and fries!!"

_____________________ slight recap ^^^^ (Continuation vvvv)

I jumped into the air and practically skipped my way to the porch

"Awesome! I love burgers! If you have grilled chicken I'd be happy to take that off your hands too!"

She nodded and ruffled my hair.

"You know I do short stuff. Let me correct myself since your closer. your dad made the burgers, I made the chicken and fries."

She giggled and kissed Dad on the cheek, wrapping happily around his waist. She leaned against his back, she was so in love with him, and I found myself imagining me and Cameron in the same position. My cheeks flushed once again and my mom walked over to me, pressing her cold hands to my cheeks.

"Are you alright dear? Feels like you have a slight fevor."

I laughed nervously and stepped back.

"No I'm fine, was probobly all of that running huh?"

I could feel Cameron's eyes on me and saw him smirking out of the corner of my eye. I had heard about testosterone-increasing libido but was only now starting to understand it to the full extent.

We ate dinner and I meandered up to my room, closed and locked my door, and stripped. I couldn't stop thinking about the way his nose felt pressed up against my clit. I laid down on my bed, tucked one of the extra pillows between my legs, and began to grind against it desperately.

I could've grabbed my vibrator, but since my clit had grown in size due to the testosterone, it was just easier to rub and grind against anything. This made me feel like I was in heat, but that didn't happen for another week or two.

I could feel my clit throbbing as I reached back with my fingers, using the wetness from my aching hole to lubricate myself. I imagined my fingers were his wet nose pushing against my clit in just the right way to tease me. My finger's slipped back and my imagination danced into the feeling of his tongue now, padding over my whole pussy. It must be so big, I needed it inside of me.

I squeaked softly as I felt his big paws grip around my thighs, he must've been watching me, but I didn't hear him come in. his nose was pressed right up against my whole, covering his maw in my wetness. I moaned out a little loudly and he gripped my face harshly.

"Shh- be quiet sweet boy. dont want Mom and Dad hearing now do we?"

He cooed deeply into my ear and my form shifted into the smaller, desperate bunny I wanted to be for him. I could feel him already shifted, his throbbing cock resting against my thigh as he investigated my dripping cunt. I wiggled back desperately against his face, panting needily. He gently played with my clit using one of his claws.

"You're on T huh? Your clit got really big- Now its like you have a cute little dick for me to playwith-"

He flipped me onto my back and slipped his shirt off, tucking it under me quickly before leaning down between my legs. Cameron guided my paws down to either side of my T-dick and began to help me rub myself. I was already salivating at the sensation, but with his paws guiding me, it felt even closer to heaven.

"That's right baby, just Keep on rubbing- such a good boy. I'm going to show you what a real man feels like, yeah?"

Cameron aligned himself with my hole, his tip barely fitting in as he pushed. I whimpered, but he kept his paw tightly over my mouth to muffle the noise, holding his weight up on his other arm that rested just above my shoulder. He pushed into me roughly, his tip felt big enough to rip me open. I practically screamed into his paw and started eagerly grinding against his tip.

"Good boy, see how good that feels to Jerk off your cute little dick for me?"

This was even more amazing than anything I could've imagined, he was so big and I wasn't sure I could take him. He began to gently and slowly thrust his hips, his arm keeping me in place as he moved.

Cameron gradually kept pushing more and more into me until I was stretched all the way around his cock, taking him almost to the knot. I felt his pointed tip tickling my cervix, drooling against his paw as my eyes rolled back into my head. He grunted and panted, his thrusts becoming more sloppy as he picked up speed. His gruff voice sounded strained as he looked down at me.

"Think you could keep quiet if i moved my paw, bunny?"

I nodded and bit my lip softly, he removed his paw and placed it above my other shoulder. Now that he had proper leverage, he sank his claws into my mattress and slammed his hips aggressively into my pussy, his knot threatening entry.

I carefully moved my legs to his shoulders, the best I could reach, letting my brother fold me in half almost. I needed his knot badly, I wanted to be full of his cum. Cameron smirked down at me, bearing his teeth, and laughed mockingly.

"Yeah? Do you want my knot that bad, sweet boy?"

"Mhm!"

I whined though I tried to keep quiet. He grunted and rammed his hips into me a few times, hitting a few of my sweet spots and my body spasmed as I squirted over his cock and thighs, this allowed him enough lubrication for him to force his knot inside of me, locking me in place as he pumped me full of his thick, hot, sticky cum.

Before I could even process how full I was, he pulled his Knot out of me, covering my mouth with his paw again. This was good because I screamed into it.

He slinked down my body, his head between my legs once again, and pushed his nose against my clit. I moaned softly into the wetness, then gasped as I felt his warm tongue wrapping around my sensitive T-dick. My hips bucked and I tried to squirm out of his grasp, I felt far too sensitive to properly get off, but Cameron didn't seem to care much.

"Cameron!!"

I moaned into his hand. as I tried to push him off of me. He used his free arm to hold me down by my chest.

"Ah- ah- Ah- Stay still for me, pretty boy, I've been wanting to taste you since you got here- and you're going to let me-"

I nodded and tried to keep my squirming to a minimum. He teased me for what felt like hours, and it drove me insane, I must've squirted 5 times.

Once he was done with me, he sat up on his knees, smiling and whining off his face. He looked so handsome in the moonlight as it shined off his beautiful skin. I was so in love with how handsome he was. Cameron leaned down and licked my cheek.

" Alright, bun. Get cleaned up - I'll see you at breakfast tomorrow, yeah?"

He chuckled and snuck out of my bedroom. For the next couple of weeks, he left me deprived. No secret late-night visits, no sneaky touches, just brotherly love.

I wanted him to touch me so desperately. I'd go into my room, leaving the door cracked while I touched myself in my panties, and when he passed by, he didn't even stop to look, not even so much as a sideways glance. What did I do? Was my squirting gross? Was I gross? Mas my clit to big and embarrassing? I hated myself so much. I could barely live without his attention.

One night, Mom and Dad had left to go out to dinner and had texted the family group chat that they were staying at a hotel.

'Lucky.'

I thought to myself. I was so frustrated, emotionally and otherwise. I laid down on the couch and watched a movie, sulking in my own loneliness.

I heard noises and shouting coming from outside and sat up to investigate, seeing my brother and his friends, Liam, Chance, and Calin walk through the door. I was pretty sure Liam, a scruffy looking blonde, was a tiger hybrid, and Calin was a dear or goat hybrid. I couldn't remember the other friend was, though. They wrestled their way in and laughed with eachother.

"Hey (y/n) !"

Cameron laughed and waved at me. He smiled, not even a Sparky smirk or his fangs showing in the way they used to. My gut sank.

"Hey..."

I mumbled and lay down, returning to my movie. He ushered his friends up the stairs and turned to look at me. Nothing special in his eyes.

"Hey, me and my friends are going to smoke in my room, if Mom or Dad come home text me SOS."

"No problem."

I replied, forcing a soft smile. When he disappeared, I sighed and wept softly into the throw pillow beneath my head. I covered up with a blanket and fell asleep eventually. I woke up later to soft whispers but kept my eyes closed as I tried to process if it was a dream or not.

"Shh. Be quiet or you'll wake him up, stupid."

Cameron? What's he doing downstairs?

"Him? But she's got tits-"

A loud thud sounded as Chance was cut off.

"OUCH! Shit- what the fuck-"

"He's more of a man than you are. His dick is bigger."

Cameron laughed and stroked my head softly, I couldn't help but lean into his hand. I hoped he was smiling at me. Calin sounded confused.

"A dick? How-"

"When you take testosterone, it could make a person's clit bigger. So they end up having a little trans dick and it's super cute to play with. It's just as sensitive as any other dick. I've seen it in porn."

He's never sounded more stupid.

"So when do we get to touch 'him' ?"

"Woah. Calm down there, R Kelly. Exited rapist much? Give it a minute."

Touch me? What?

Cameron gently shook me 'awake'. I sat up and mumbled softly,

" What- is it- are Mom and Dad home?"

"Haha. No. Just wanted to see if you wanted to learn how to smoke with us, I'd rather you do it in a safe space. Plus, with us around, you'll have - Loads of fun -"

"Oh sure, I guess."

I gently folded up the blanket to the side, having fallen asleep in my soft, red panties and a black band tee shirt. To hide my underwear at least a little, I sat with my legs folded to the side.

"Here, you sit in the middle, and you can take the first hit. I'll show you how it's done."

Cameron lit the joint and put the filter to my lips. His hands were so big and his fingers were right against my lips.

"Suck in softly only for a second. Like a straw. Inhale, exhale. You can breathe it in when you get better at smoking, but he'll. That's how I smoke anyway. It's easier to manage."

I did as he said and pondered the taste and smell. It was better than a cigarette smell, so there was that. I was attacked a little by a soft bunch of coughs. He put on a movie while I was taking the hit and the "Pineapple Express' began to play. The other boys guys laughed at me softly, but I didn't take it personally. It seemed silly to be taking my first hit of something around people who must practically breathe the stuff.

"Right, so we pass it back and forth, up and down the line. I'll sit next to you and I'll have my arm behind you in case you don't feel good, alright?"

I nodded and passed the joint to him, watching as he inhaled, leaned his head back, and blew the smoke out. His neck stretched and his collar bones flexed softly in his v-neck tee shirt. It was the most delicious thing I'd ever seen of him, and I was starved of his affections.

He spotted me staring and smiled down at me with a soft smirk that made my heart pound. I looked down shyly, and my face covered itself in red. Most of them softly melded into their animal forms as we passed the joint back and forth. I hadn't paid attention to how many they'd lit if more than one.

I felt my ears extend and my tail wiggle softly as I slipped into a colorful daze, barely being able to pick up on any conversation that was had, leaning against Cameron and resting my legs across Liam. He didn't seem to be paying me any attention but rubbed my thigh gently as my brother held me, one arm around me. I mumbled softly.

"I'm very thirsty..."

I hid my face behind my ears, embarrassed of my needs. Cameron laughed, and I peeked through my ears, seeing his hooded eyes, the dark circles backed by a soft red that clouded the whites of his glassy eyes.

"Calin, grab him a ice water please?"

The blonde smiled and gave a playful two finger solute, disappearing into the kitchen.

"I cant..really move or hold- myself up-"

I tried to sit up, preparing for my water, but found quickly that this was very true and I was immobile. Cameron picked me up and sat me in his lap. I was happy with this initially, pleased with the idea of him helping me, and his crotch being right up against my dripping hole. When I felt Liam's strong hands on my thighs and my brother's even stronger arms around my body, I was in a soft trance of imagining disgusting things.

Cameron gently lifted my legs, putting them on the outsides of his, and held my legs open, exposing my panties and the small wet patch that had accumulated. I tried to squirm but was granted no such freedom as his hands began to roam all over my sensitive body. I leaned my head back against his shoulder and gasped softly, unable to contain myself.

I shrank fully into my bunny form and I could see them around me taking their full forms as well. Calin walked into the room and my brother took the glass into his hand and held my face with the other. He opened my mouth and poured the water in carefully before setting it to the side.

"You just let me know if you need any more water, alright? But take it slow. Liam. You've been polite, you get first dibs."

The dear man walked over quietly. He seemed reserved but just as big and strong as my brother's other friends. I watched him as he slipped out of his basketball shorts and revealed his throbbing cock.

"Open your mouth sweet boy-"

Cameron cooed in my ear but I clenched my mouth shut, hesitating. He gripped my face, forcing my jaw open.

"That wasn't a request, Doll. Now stick your tongue out and be good."

I did just that and looked up at Liam, watching him step closer and tease himself by gently rubbing his tip all over my tongue.

His moans were so soft and addicting, I almost came without even being touched. I loved how much I was getting him off, I could already taste his cum.

I was able to regain a little of my movement, gently grinding back against my brother's cock that I could feel hardening beneath me in his jeans.

I pushed my head forward lightly, Cameron helping hold my throat so I could please his friend's property. chance and Calin stood next to me on either side, jerking themselves off, occasionally pressing their tips to my cheeks, commenting on how soft they were.

Once I gained slight control of my limbs I reached out for them and the two boys helped guide my hands to stroke them. I could feel the throbbing veins against my paws, smiling dumbly and I let my eyes glaze over.

My mouth closed softly around Liam's cock as he began to gently thrust against my tongue, the dear boy panted softly as he rested his hands on my head, gripping my hair softly.

My brother grabbed my hip with one hand and breathed into my ear, grinding against me like he needed me. And god had I missed that. He fought to get his pants off and ripped my panties open, careful not to disturb my progress with his friends while he shoved his warm, thick dick into my dripping cunt.

I moaned out around Liam's length and moved my tongue against him, he whimpered softly and gasped. His cock pulled a couple of times, was he close already? I wanted to feel his cum fill my throat so badly.

Cameron no longer needed to hold me up as I had sobered up slightly, and held both of my hips in his giant hands. He thrusted into me roughly, the tip pushing against my cervix most perfectly. As he moved he moaned out.

"God I've missed you! Fuck I've been trying to hold off but you be been teasing me- and now we get to have our way with you.. Like the slut we know you are- isn't that right, baby brother?"

I drooled around Liam as he spoke, taking more and more of his length into my throat and smiling as best I could with my mouth full.

"Mhm!!!"

I moaned out and Liam groaned loudly, gripping my hair and plunging himself into my throat. His hot cum poured into my stomach as I swallowed happily. He pulled out of my mouth and fell back onto the floor, panting softly. I coughed softly and smiled dumbly.

Calin stepped in front of me, his dick was even bigger than Liam's, and I was eager to taste, immediately looking up at him with doe eyes and opening my mouth.

He groaned and dug his claws into my head, thrusting roughly all the way into my throat, causing me to gag and sputter around him, it was one of the best feelings ever, being used like this. I used both of my hands to rub Chance off, and he moaned lewdly, fucking into my paw pads. Soon, he came on my cheeks and sat down on the corner of the couch, waiting for his turn with my mouth.

Cameron continued to fuck himself silly into me, he came in me multiple times, using the last load to lubricate the both of us for the rest. He bit into my neck and licked all over me, anything he could do to bury my scent into his sinus and feel as close to me as possible.

I continued to moan over Calin as he used my throat, fast and rough. I could feel his claws against the base of my skull as he used me like a flashlight. I tried to move my tongue around him, having a rough time keeping my jaw from locking. Soon he pushed his cock into the back of my throat and pulled out to his tip, softly fucking my lips as he came harshly into my mouth.

"Like a straw pretty boy- suck"

He growled down at me. And I was happy to oblige, moving both of my hands to treat him, one on his knot and the other on his shaft, helping milk him into my mouth. I swallowed happily and blushed as he pulled out and laughed.

"Damnit, he's good."

My brother laughed deeply and wrapped both of his arms around my waist, rapidly moving his hips against me, my legs gently kicking with pleasure as I squirted over him.

"Fuckk! Fuck fuck!!!"

I screamed out loudly as I happily rode out my orgasm on his knot. He sighed happily, and I climbed off of him gingerly, making my way to change on the floor.

I took his cock into my hands, smiling as I took his tip into my mouth. He was the only one who hadn't let himself transform yet, melting into his Lion form, his ruff growing large and fluffy, his knot filling with arousal as he watched me. He pet my head gently as I pleased him, bobbing my head up and down as I massaged his knot and length.

I felt something warm and wet against my clit and a warm set of arms wrap around my thighs, looked down and saw Liam, looking up at me with his soft eyes as he sucked on my Tdick, pushing his head against me and bobbing his head just like I was.

I pushed my hips into his affections and worked extra hard to please Chance, looking up at him with big eyes, hoping he would take advantage of my mouth the way his friend had.

He obliged and gripped my hair, moving his hips against my mouth as he thrusted into my throat, it almost felt like he was fucking my brain, and my eyes rolled back into my head.

During my brain-dead, fuzzy blur, I felt myself squirt a few times into Liam's mouth, but he kept going pleasantly.

He moaned quietly against my pussy, his tongue traveling down to my cum filled entrance occasionally.

I could feel Chances dick pulsing against the walls of my throat and quickly following a burst of cum flooded my esophagus. This time, I wasn't as prepared and struggled to get off of him as he milked his cock into my face.

"Mm!! Mn!!!"

I struggled, and he finally let me up, I choked and sputtered for a moment and tried to swallow what I could. Liam checked on me and Chance laughed softly.

"Sorry, sweetheart. You alright? I got carried away- you just felt so fuckin' good-"

I smiled dazedly and leaned against Liam. He handed me to my brother, and Cameron cradled me softly in his arms and carried me up, putting me in a hot bath. The water was so warm that I almost fell asleep, but I tried to clean myself as best I could.

I was just happy other animals couldn't properly mate without measures being taken to try and force it. I relaxed back against the walls and heard moving downstairs. I assumed they were cleaning up but didn't pay it much mind.

I daydreamed of all of their different affections and how sweet they all tasted and were in their own ways, fawning over them all, but especially my brother. The way he was laying, cum covered, and the way his body was shaped drove me crazy, and it always would.

[kkoct-ik]

hey! idk if it's okay to ask, it's okay to ignore this. how did you come to terms with being trans and decide to transition with the identity confusion? i'm not sure what i have going on specifically but i'm struggling with that. like if a part has dysphoria/ids as trans but another one doesn't, how do you know if you're trans? it isn't uncommon for parts to have different genders, isn't it? i imagine it depends a lot on the individual but i'd like to hear if you have any thoughts on the matter

oh im glad you asked this!! i actually have a lot to say on this from my experiences. im so happy to answer this

overall i think people can do anything. if by 'being trans' you mean express yourself, literally just do it. you dont have to justify yourself or have a 'legitimate reason' to shift your identity or presentation or experiment. youre always growing, always changing, humans are complex and awesome. dont shy away from being colourful and multifaceted.

that said i do know medical transition with dissociative stuff is kind of a hot topic because of its 'irreversibility', and i do have things to say, so ill ramble about my experiences with being a pwdid who has chosen to medically transition.

to contextualise myself ive been 'trans' since i was 12/13(?). this is when i first started presenting myself as male and using a new name. since then ive gone through a few different male primary identities but i've stayed pretty consistently ftm. when pitching myself to healthcare providers, i can pretty easily tell them that ive been unwaveringly socially presenting as male since i was 12.

that said when it came to my 20s and the prospect of actually booking those appointments and securing masculinising hrt i kind of had an identity crisis. because although my primary identities have been male for a long time, theyve also always been very kinda miserable and felt kinda wrong and disengaged (which makes me believe a lot of my binary maleness is a way i reject myself. which made me think, if the gender dysphoria is a dissociative symptom, won't healing my trauma get rid of it..?). moreover when ive been in certain female parts ive felt comfortable and happy, so clearly girlhood in general is to an extent grounding to me. but still, the notion of being seen as and treated as a woman makes me feel bad, even when in female parts. my pronouns are definitely he/him.

so i had no idea 'what' i was. i really felt the possibility that down the line id have a totally different gender, and maybe not be 'trans' at all, so i worried about healing my trauma and then regretting medically transitioning.

what i ended up doing was just a lot of introspection into my identity. i decided to accept that i was allowed to make choices and exercise my autonomy for my present self, without being paralysed about a possible future. i knew if i just kept waiting and being afraid, i was going to remain disconnected from myself, forever wondering if transitioning could have made me feel better. i reckoned even if i did detransition in the future, i would still respect my past decision, because i was going to put a lot of thought into this decision and make it for myself and my happiness with the information i have now, as i should.

i ended up frequenting the actual_detrans sub for a bit to make sure i was open to the possibility to changing my mind in the future, and also so i could be assured i wasnt just operating under sunk cost fallacy by locking in and medically transitioning because i felt like being 'wrong' wasnt an option. i also reflected on my identity as a whole, and figured collectively, im definitely nonbinary in some sense (luckily, im at a point in recovery where i am relatively integrated, and thus can piece together my 'big picture' and come to this conclusion. this will probably be harder for others...). when considering all my parts: i enjoy regarding myself as a 'girl', a 'man', and in a masculine/butch way. so i took that when working out how to become 'myself' without worrying about using singular or binary labels.

i decided from that point that i would enjoy the effects of testosterone, but dont necessarily want any surgeries done. i dont hate any part of my body, but it does feel strange, and i want to grow into it in a masculine way. my teenage female puberty never really felt 'real', and i was very estranged from my body. looking at myself, i still felt prepubescent in some sense. so a second puberty, one that i was actually ready for and chose, was appealing to me. for me hrt isnt about fixing anything i deem wrong with me, and is more about showing myself i can be me and feeling more at home within myself.

and as a progress report. since starting hrt (9 months ago) i really have found all the changes really joyful, and ive finally started feeling like i own my identity, body, and myself. i see myself as adorable and cute now. since the voice drop and hairiness i feel like an even happier 'girl' and more comfortable as myself. ultimately im really glad i didnt stay paralysed with my 'what-ifs', and im also glad i didnt lock myself into a conventional transition timeline (ie incl. surgeries) without pausing and taking the time to assess who i am what it really is i want out of this care. i think i made a really good call.

so yeah. i hope!!! my ramblings help at all. i do understand the struggle. hopefully me breaking down my process can be assuring or illuminating. i believe in you anon and i hope you work things out

[aroacesofspades]

FINALLY reading the latest bsd chapter and um what the fuck

(tumblr wont let me add a reaction pic bc of the Ten Image Limit 😤 but in my mind, im crying and heaving in my room)

obv: bsd spoilers under the cut

i might be wrong but i think this is the most conscious aku has ever been of his own identity in the series (not counting beast/light novels/other works), or definitely high up there in terms of self-reflection.

not a day goes by that i dont think about dazai's role in the lives of almost all the main cast. this entire panel shakes me ngl. lately ive been rlly pressed on this, and its insane to me how this sole character can shape the narrative so fucking profoundly.

the gall???? /j

oh my sweet, sweet, empathetic boyy....

the fact that he saw aku in a position, SO similar to his own, and THIS is the face we see him make.

i think this is atsushi actually seeing proof that dazai has not always been a good person. but tbh i don't think that this could make him hate dazai, it's just more nuanced than that. if i were to describe it, i'd say that this has made him see just how comparable his and akutagawa's experiences really are. i think this is less about how he views dazai (although i do think that this has made him see dazai in somewhat of a dimmer light, i do think that he believes dazai is changing himself, to do good) and more about his connection to aku.

^ and i'm just going to note that aku and atsushi have dealt with, what was a very similar situation, in two very different ways, food for thought rn.

something something abt atsushi finally being there to witness this something something the violent cycle of abuse between every-fucking-one in this mf series something something atsushi knowing aku at his most vulnerable and discontinuing the cycle, still choosing to save him

something something about atsushis own abusive circle, and its nuance when we are viewing it through atsushi's eyes something something parallels... the fact that we see them both right after one another

^ i think it's very interesting that atsushi holds both dazai and the director to a standard where he would rely on them to save the world, even after all that he has JUST seen them both do.

WTF WTF IM SICK IM ACTUALLY ILL OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK

the way that after everything, ARGHHH despite everything, they still saved each other. oh honey... do u see how deeply u have changed the lives of the other oh my fuck. i genuinely need to scream out loud in real fucking life because of these mfs.

like ik they understand the OTHER's impact on their narrative, but do they see their own uarghhh. do they see it like we get to??

they see the formed, painted versions of the other, hold it to a STANDARD and now akutagawa's past is deformed and shattered in front of atsushi and u want me to be NORMAL??????

akutagawa who is so close kept about his life that most of what we as readers know about it has been from flashbacks or other light novels RUGHJKLSJSALDJK

enough abt yaoi...

its striking to see how atsushi uses the director as the final motivation for pushing thru his troubles (in this case: the door), much like we've seen aku do with dazai.

except with atsushi, instead of unloading his anger and self-hate onto others (maiming, hurting, basically turning into a killing machine, etc), his hate and the inferiority of his identity within the orphanage, is pushed inwards, even as he tries to resist.

but even if he doesn't seek to find a purpose for living, he still (to some extent) seems to seek support from this (forr the lack of a better word😞) abuser, someone who he genuinely doesn't want to ever see again. yet he takes the position of DAZAI, his mentor, his friend, someone who had once hurt many of atsushi's own closest friends, but never atsushi.

idkk for atsushi and akutagawa, there's always a battle between abuser and saviour, and the line is pretty blurred on where one begins and the other ends. i find this very intriguing :)

^ofc when discussing this, we need to keep in mind that the relationship will ALWAYS be nuanced, especially when told from their povs, because that is how the narrative spooled out. ultimately, they had both found a sense of salvation, and safety in standing where they had stood (thru MANY misguided understandings from all parties and the simple factor that they had been CHILDREN when all this played out).

someone in the comments of the panel pointed this out but the 'redeeming arc' of the director says more about atsushi and less about the director. the director is fucking dead🙏. this is just atsushi's understanding of the director, what he remembers of this person who had wrecked him.

(this is less relevant, but, compared with aku and dazai, the director is MUCH more lenient, willing to indulge atsushi more than dazai had been to aku. maybe (?) bc of the environments they were in?? for all intents, the director remains a father to atsushi, he's dead and no longer changes the narrative, and before that atsushi viewed their relationship as a mentor and a rebel student; whereas akutagawa has had years to reconfigure his relationship with dazai, dazai is a person who is very much still alive and very much still shifting the narrative on his own, and yet all aku really saw of him was the cruel aspects that justified aku's own spite against him, hence why seeing dazai with atsushi had been so jarring)

there is also something to be said for how young both dazai and aku had been at the time, vs the obvious age difference between atsushi and the director. im not really going to elaborate on something that's been said so many times in the fandom already, but dazai was a blind boy leading the blind, while the director had his motives set from the start <thus why we hold dazai to a less extreme standard when discussing his actions, he has never been in a stable environment to begin with, and justifying his actions as if he HAD been would be narratively wrong.

^ alsooo once again reflects on atsushi's inherent nature, to become this tool that saves, that recovers what others cannot, even (and especially) at the expense of his own past and all his attempts to dispel it.

shows how protective he is but also rlly shows how insanely insecure he is...

yk what im sayin?

also. in terms of atsushi's relationship with dazai, I dont think that this has much to do with his opinion on dazai, rather, it reflects his empathy for akutagawa, this is an incident that parallels the both of them even more. atsushi has BEEN where aku once was, he was that boy in the same position and he knows what it's like to feel both contempt and hatred yet also a sense of attachment to a guy in a authority position who was meant to look after u yet crushed u instead.

^ i do think the some of the weight of what he had felt for the director has now shifted into dazai's hands, now that he's aware of all that he has done to akutagawa (ok, not even ALL, this is just a snippet:( ). but i don't think that it is enough for him to hate dazai.

and they definitely (probably... most likely..) won't play into that narrative in the upcoming chapters. i think this chapter was largely meant to further mirror ataushi and akutagawa's trauma and give further incentive for dazai's moral development within the narrative (ie dazai as a character who has been raised in horrible, terrible conditions with morals to reflect vs dazai now who, in atsushi's eyes, is a good man, or attempting to be one)

[luckyashes-art]

how do all the humans take being surrounded by supernatural species? I imagine someone like Ichika would have to adjust to her childhood friends being nonhuman entities but would Ena have any particular habits she picked up from her dragon family?

Hmm honestly I havent thought about it much . Probably because I don't think I can properly ponder on how specifically each human would react (aka I dont think I know each character well enough to gauge potential reactions).

Plus cuz my like brain power is going down I'm having a hard time thinking if anyone would even have any prejudice or certain opinions against anyone else just because of the species they are.

But I guess I can say some things like:

With Leo/need being childhood friends, I'd like to think Ichika already knew about Honami being a devil and is used to it. But she'd definitely need to readjust for both Saki and Shiho. Saki obviously because she's dead, but Shiho because I don't think she'd wanna let her friends know she was turned into a werewolf (especially with their straining friendship pre-main story, and EVEN MORE so if negative rumors were being spread around) . So like they kinda pry that outta Shiho or just learn about it somehow but all is well

Kohane, funnily enough, is like the only human where both of her parents are also human 😭 She'd probably have the biggest time getting used to her group-mates being supernatural, and realizing more of the struggles they have

Emu, being apart of the (cursed btw) Otori family, has no problem whatsoever with anyone being a monster. Growing up with different species, she already understands the struggles monsters can face and just treats them like normal people. (She does have a hidden sense though to tell whether a monster is disguised or not [because a lot of monsters do actually mask their true appearances to blend in if I haven't mentioned that already], but she only uses this if she ever noticed if someone was uncomfortable and would do her best to subtly help them)

I think Ena would absolutely just pick up a lot of mannerisms displayed by her family. ACTUALLY. Really funny to imagine Ena like actually being more aggressive (like potentially getting into fist-fights aggression) if dragons usually fight and/or argue to prove themselves right/better 😭Even sillier if they had to teach her better etiquette and to actually be more human (which I mean that's probably what school does for her). But anyway Ena would just be blunt and straightforward with things probably. And like if she learned about anyone being a supernatural being she just wouldn't think of it as a big deal as long as they like respect her n all casual-like y'know

It also just dawned on me that it'd make sense if most of the humans were used to monsters and the like to some extent JUST because at least one of their parents are supernatural.

Interesting to think then, looking at it, how those of the main cast have to deal with being monsters themselves when both their parents are humans. Nobody knows what they be doin' but at least they're all accepting of what their kid turned out to be 😭‼️