#But I WANT A TOGGLE FOR THE PRONOUNS AND GENDER PLEASE

[technicallyoneofakind]

I wish I could mod Cyberpunk 2077 on the PS5. I want to add a toggle for the gender not related to the voice of my character. I want Astral to be called a man while they have a feminine voice. Let my boy have his gender damn it.

[shepherds-of-haven]

It's here.

The Shepherds of Haven Twine alpha build is live on Patreon!

What's New:

UI! A new UI for the game awaits you, including a range of visual themes to switch between light and dark mode, each with its own ‘minimalist’ version for those who favor strict readability! Stat screens, achievements, notifications, codex entries, newspaper articles, journal entries, storefronts, the day off hub, relationships, the character guide, the inventory, your room, trading cards, gambling, and so much more have been redesigned from the ground-up!

Miss the old look? Switch the font to Georgia and use the "Scholar" theme in your settings. You can even toggle "prioritize stat bars" if you want to change everything back to just stat bars!

A vast range of settings to customize your game! Includes several fonts and ways to read the text, including OpenDyslexic font, as well as toggles to disable or enable visual effects, music, and character art. 

Robust save system! Now, you can not only use 10 different save slots on your browser (including autosaves), you can also download saves directly to your device, arrange and rename them as you like, and even use them to play the game between different devices and browsers!

Interactive maps! Explore and learn about the world of Blest like never before!

Music! A gorgeous custom soundtrack for the game was designed and composed by Ivan Duch and will play at key moments in the story.

Art! New character art, character cards, collectible trading cards, background art, codex documents, bestiary notes, and so much more have now been integrated into the game. Don’t miss the absolutely gorgeous cover designed by Angela Wang!

Fully mobile compatible! Though desktop is strongly recommended for the best gameplay experience, Shepherds is mobile-compatible and feature-rich regardless of what device you play it on.

Other gameplay improvements:

Trouble and Briony are now romanceable by players of all genders.

All players can change their pronouns at any times. Pronouns do not affect romances.

Gambling is now unlocked earlier.

Two day offs is now unlocked earlier.

You can now allocate different points in magic and weaponry training to different skills, not just one at a time.

For now, the new alpha build is only available on Patreon, primarily because this is all new to me and I was working under a severe crunch after the abrupt closure of Dashingdon. Once all the bugs have been ironed out, I feel less nervy, and the dust has settled down some--and I get some semblance of a functional daily life back again--I'll get to work making a public demo available to everyone. It shouldn't be too long of a wait!

In the meantime, please consider signing up for the Shepherds of Haven newsletter: you'll be notified of only the most important announcements--including the release of the public demo, beta-testing opportunities, DLC announcements, and more. Plus, you'll get a free exclusive digital wallpaper based on Shepherds of Haven! :)

Other new links:

manifold-studios.com - official website for my games

@manifoldstudios - this (shepherds-of-haven) is still my main account, but you can follow this one for a cleaner way to receive just announcements as well!

linktree

newsletter

And, of course, if you want to give the new Twine build a try, you'll want to...

Play here!

I sincerely hope you enjoy! ✨

[tentacleplains]

18+ only, please indicate you’re an adult somewhere on your blog

ostensibly a DOL blog, but like, whatever. if you think you know my main, hush!!!

i don’t have a name but you can give me one if you want :)

i’m 22, AAPI, TME, and i use it/he pronouns. if you’d like to friend and/or harass me on discord, my username is loustat.

tags:

my stuff: original post || tentacle draws || tentacle writes headcanons: headcanons in-game scenes and q&a's: citations negativity: dol critical my dol ocs: fiore the anatomist || piper the collector NPCS: robin || whitney || eden || kylar || avery || black wolf || great hawk || alex || sydney || bailey || charlie || darryl || harper || jordan || briar || sam || landry || leighton || sirris || river || doren || winter || mason || morgan || gwylan || niki || remy || wren || quinn || mickey || ivory wraith

find (some of) my writing on ao3!

check out my strawpage!

visit my neko atsume yard!

inbox is open for art/writing/headcanon requests! or anything at all. talk to me! i love making friends but i’m shy haha

i default to whatever genders i prefer for NNPCs unless asked otherwise.

don’t inbox/message me about: scat, spit, vomit, controversial public figures, current events

don’t include in requests: underage, beast/feral (monsterpeople/anthros are fine), incest (incl. faux-, pseudo-, or step-), forcemasc, anything mentioned in above paragraph

more info + personal dol opinions under the cut

i generally prefer NNPCs as women, but that’s not a hard and fast rule.

however, i will always prefer syd, eden, whitney, avery, and leighton as women. specifically, my sydney is transfem and fat, and my kylar is also transfem alongside sydney.

i also like nonbinary niki and harper. mickey is already kind of canonically nonbinary but i’ll mention them here too.

of course i'll accept any other interpretations of the nnpcs, including any variations on transness, so if you want to ask for a specific gender and/or genital configuration in a request, feel free ^^

i play with all toggles on, but with 100% of beasts set to monsterpeople all the time.

[granulesofsand]

Introduction

🗝️🏷️ mentions of programming and child maltreatment

The important bits are in orange for brevity.

Hello! We are a plural system. Together, we go by Dune. You can use this name to address us as a group, or for any one of us.

We have reached the age of legal majority in our country.

Unless otherwise indicated, refer to us with they/it (or other neutral pronouns). We are also comfortable with mirror pronouns; whatever you prefer for yourself, use also for us.

The symbols 🗝️🏷️ serve as a content warning to announce less avoidable triggers, pictured as a key and label emoji set.

We use ‘others’ and ‘alters’ to describe members of our system. Please do not use ‘parts’ for us uninitiated, though we will reflect the language you provide to refer to you.

Treat each alter as their own person. If there is no sign-off, address the whole system as Dune. We use we/us for the system and I/me for the alter.

Some identities are held by our body rather than an alter or group. We are culturally Deaf (hard of hearing), queer (gender and sexuality), and disabled (physically and otherwise). While we generally ID our body as white, we have other roots as well. We frequently refer to our subcultures of origin, which were largely unhealthy.

We are an EC-DID system, for us meaning we were created and controlled by abusers for their benefit. Our complexity, elaboration, amnesia, and so on are influenced by this. We are working to dismantle and restructure our system according to what benefits us, and it is a process. What was done can be healed, but not undone. This too is part of our story.

By experience and reading, we are informed on the topics of programming and CDDs; we share these subjects both for ourselves and any who ask.

Sources are generally only provided in more formal writing or by request, but we keep them only for our convenience. If you have want for a list of subtopic resources, we will return to you links or means of locating the media. We analyze all that we recommend unless you specify your consent to access it regardless.

Posts will be primarily in English, as most of our frequent fronters are fluent in it. Many of us speak ASL and understand glossed notation. Different alters have varying degrees of proficiency in other languages, and you are encouraged to use whichever language you prefer; we will translate with our combined knowledge and external resources.

We answer asks publicly unless you specify otherwise. We might make exceptions for unmarked descriptions of trauma, identifying information (not account names, though you are free to use the anonymous toggle), or topics we are unsure of privacy associations (sex and sexuality, emotional disclosures, impulsive behavior with account name attached).

Genuine questions we do not answer publicly can be answered in DMs by toggling anon to off, or will be answered in an unattached post tagged ‘asks answered separately’.

We rarely respond publicly to conversational asks. You can note that you’d like us to, but we make the final decision. If you want a response, we converse through DMs primarily.

You can vent in our DMs if you need a witness. We always read direct messages. If you need evidence we’ve seen you, throw a question in the mix. It can be as simple as ‘are you there?’, and you can expect a reply within four days. We can’t report you irl unless you give us your name and address (so don’t). You can be angry or triggering, even at us, with the condition you warn us what to expect. We won’t report an account unless you’re causing harm of your own accord.

Our otherworld is vast and vivid. There are planets, continents, and countries. We have language, race, species, and other cultural identifiers that are typically not based in external reality.

We have a variety of opinions and defenses, but we often welcome conversation for the sake of understanding. Tone varies by member and topic — we do argue to an extent. We block easily, but we will speak to any who seek commutuality.

We are not here to make moral judgments or cause harm — we implore you to write if you have comments, questions, demands (though we may not heed them), anything you wish to make known.

We are not your authority; take from us what you find useful, leave what you do not. Some learning is better done in time or by encounter, or simply not at all. Your experience is your own, and we will not intrude upon it unless invited or endangered.

(Forgive me if my words lack flow, English is not my first language.)

Let’s get along!

[suiteheart-hotel]

The neon lights of a love hotel beckon you... Will you be staying for the night? ♡

✎ navigation links coming soon! ૮꒰˵• ﻌ •˵��ა

. . . ♡ masterlist

. . . ♡ list of charas i can take requests for + how i would write them

. . . ♡ my tags!!

saccha.txt = text posts

saccha.png = mi art!!

🍓🌸🍓꒰ Saccha┆he/him/hole┆artist n writer!!! ꒱🍓🌸🍓

HIIIHIHIHI my name is Saccha!!! as in Saccha(rine) HEHEHEHEH

IM JUS A LIL OVEREXCITED TRANS PUPPY BOY RUNNIN A LUV HOTEL ,, there r a lot of aesthetics i wanna b associated w/, this intro post will prolly change over time lol

i wanted tew stretch out ma writing skillz n i have a lot of ideas i jus wanna throw out in2 da world,, scenarios i hope ppl would also enjoy n such!! ♡♡♡ just wanted to pump out x readers for the gayz tbh,,

as much as i love reading fempovs, i want 2 make food for other transmasc ppl like me ^w^ and also interact w/ other blogz!!! also sorry not sorry of my excessive use of colors and kaomojis lol!!

dis blog is where i will dump all my horny ramblings about

★⋆ Degrees of Lewdity (mentioning this game alone should indicate i dont mind dead dove stuff hfbhg)

★⋆ Call Of Duty MW2 (im only a very casual fan tho lol look man im a porn blog my content isnt gonna be that deep!!)

★⋆ The Last Of Us (specifically joel content bc im feral 4 him but im also feral 4 ellie,, WRITING ABOUT THEM SEPARATELY THO OFC LMAO)

taking requests for each >w<)b !!!

♡ ┆ stuff i will write ┆ ♡

★⋆ DRUMROLL PLEASE... THE MAIN REASON I WANTED TO MAKE THIS BLOOOG... transmasc reader content!!! 🎉🎊🥳 with warnings on what terms to be used on the naughty bits, ofc!!

with that being said....

★⋆ DDLB :3 tee hee!

★⋆ mayhaps some gender neutral reader stuff!! no pronouns other than 'you',

★⋆ if i write nsfw with GN reader, i'll have separate sections for when u have afab/amab anatomy and how characters i write with would interact with em !!

so the format would go like

˗ˏˋ ꒰ König with a chubby S/O ♥ nsfw!! ꒱ ˎˊ˗

♡ ┆ headcanon

if you have AFAB anatomy…

♡ ┆ headcanon for how he'd treat u with ur coochie, gender non-specific

if you have AMAB anatomy…

♡ ┆ headcanon for how he'd treat u with ur pp, gender non-specific

most of my fics/drabbles would be gender neutral unless stated otherwise !!

plz note!!! in cases like Ellie who is explicitly and canonically a lesbian i will also only write in fempov, everyone else i write about automatically becomes readersexual meaning theyre attracted to the reader regardless of gender, appearance, etc etc so for example if ur super mad i made your big strong masculine military man a cocksucker das on u, go cry ab it somewhere else thanks (. ❛ ᴗ ❛.)

★⋆ BIG GIRTHY AGE GAPS… but readers in my stories should always b regarded as 20+!!

★⋆ and ofc hand in hand with that comes a corruption kink BAHAHAHA and as a heads up i place a heavy emphasis on virginity !!!

★⋆ yandere/obsessive content bc im a sucker for it :((

★⋆ pet play/hybrid stuff… sometimes human but most of the time it comes w the reader having animal characteristics!! (ex. bunny reader, cow reader, puppy reader etc) ONLY LIMITED TO STUFF LIKE EARS/TAIL/WINGS THO and maybe heat cycle stuff bc im a sucker for that too

★⋆ A/B/O content and dynamics

★⋆ incest/stepcest probably???

STUFF I WONT WRITE ABOUT... no cute format for these ones LMAO 'm just gonna lump all of them together

zoophilia content (YES I KNOW DOL IS RIFE W/ THAT BUT I ALWAYS TURN OFF BEAST TOGGLES SJHDS) | scat/piss/basically any bodily fluid aside from CUM LMAO (i'd probably make an exception 4 squirt tho,,,, 👀) | gore

das about all i can think of for neow heheh!! btw i may like and interact w blogs that have dark content or even the content i said i wont write, please be aware of that in case the posts i've liked show up :<<

i'll eventually come up w/ a list of characters im comfy with writing for, as well as a general idea of how i would write them for requests n such!! if the character u like isnt there, im still looking into how i would write content for them :>

IF U READ THIS FAR ILY BYEEEEE ♡♡♡

[legy]

different genre and also this game is questionable for other reasons but this morning i stumbled upon a message from the farming sim SunnySide about how they noticed basically the same thing i have and how they're addressing it

Can I romance whoever I want in SunnySide? Short Answer: No Longs Answer: It is very important to us that we make a couple statements about sexuality in cultures other than Western ones, and give a voice to those marginalized communities in any way that we can. In order to do this, we need to lock NPC sexuality, as homosexuality can’t exist if NPC’s don’t have a preference. Is it unfortunate for people who want to romance a character that isn't attracted to them? Yes. Does it break some of the freedom that other games like Stardew have? Yes. But please know that we are doing it with very specific intentions, and that it isn't about making the game more realistic or being easier to program. In fact, it's a million times harder to implement. And we had to create an entirely new and complicated gender system to go with it. But we think it's going to be worth it in the end. We didn't want to create some kind of utopia where sexual preference doesn't matter, but rather a place where preferences are recognized, appreciated, and welcomed.

From Rainy: "Unfortunately, it's not something so simple that we can delegate it to a toggle. The gender system is going to be very much intertwined into the story of the individuals of SunnySide, and even if it could be changed via a mod the story and dialogues won't make much sense or hit the notes we're hoping to hit. It was a pretty hard decision to make in the first place, but we decided we couldn't tell very relatable stories (including topics such as gender fluidity or the struggles of personal identity) without locking the sexualities. Our reason behind it isn't to cater to absolutely everyone or pander, it is simply to tell real life, human stories.

I also wanted to add that the system isn't as locked or super-specific as one might imagine, it's a lot more relaxed, and only in extreme gender identity choices (either end of the spectrum of our gender slider) is when you might find yourself with fewer choices than others. The NPCs of SunnySide don't have absolute specific gender preferences but more of a range and the more of your gender identity range overlaps with their preference, the easier time you have romancing them.

One last note: Romance and Friendship are two separate values in this game, meaning even if you don't have any attraction towards a character, you can still fully go through their stories and become their best friend. This also helps if you're already in a relationship with a character but would like to become best friends with someone else. You don't have to sacrifice one for the other."

How does the Gender System work? Short Answer Gender, body shape, clothes, and hair are all completely separate from one another. Gender and body shape are on sliders. Long Answer: Because of our sexuality system, we needed to have some kind of gender identity in game. However, we realize (and appreciate) that gender isn’t exactly binary. We decided the best way to allow the player the most agency was to create a gender system that sat on a sliding scale, rather than an “either/or” situation. This gender slider ranges from Female to Male, with a whole lot of options in between. We understand it’s not perfect. But we’ve tried very hard to be as inclusive to everyone as possible, regardless of where you sit on the spectrum. (edited)

We would also like to point out that this gender system is not connected to anything else in character creation. There are no pronouns, body shape is on a separate slider, and all clothing and hair will work for all characters. You be you.

okay like this is an opinion that i think might be legitimately unpopular. and also im getting déjà vu so i might have posted it before. but in the genre of crpgs with romances (bioware, obsidian, larian et al) i strongly prefer the dragon age (pre-veilguard which is why this is on my mind) model of romancable characters having gender preferences. like bioware makes the most fuckheaded and incorrect DECISIONS on what genders can romance which characters like theres no fucking way that cassandra and jack are straight. but by having characters actually have preferences and be able to mechanically decline a romance adds to them and makes them feel more realistic than every single character in bg3 being playersexual lol

[defiledtomb]

Ouroboros Patch 1.0 (wahoo!)

The original link is now updated. Patch notes below for the biggest changes.

- Id’s path has new choices on how they carry you

- Added “Please don’t make me go” choice

- Expanded on gender options

- You can now enter your own pronouns or choose neo-pronouns from a list of them. (I was feeling so overwhelmed by this for a while but @the-keeper-of-midnight came to my rescue and I can’t say thank you enough!!! :happy sobs:)

-You can now change appearance at any time in the game, via the settings.

- You can now change gender and pronouns at any time in the game, via the settings.

-You can now toggle unicode-hints on/off at any time in the settings, it will also show up in the beginning of the game once I feel it’s substantial enough. Beware that for now it’s very sparse.

- Bald head available for L, bald head or the option to wear a scarf or a veil available for MC.

- L can now be non-binary with they/them pronouns.

-Input text for hair color and eyes available. For eyes, this defaults in having unusual eyes.

- You can now choose the RO’s genders as you meet them. Beware that this, for now, results in you having no listed orientation. 

- Added ‘ordinary’ as a body-type.

- New names for MC.

Known issues: 

- The conversation you have when meeting Y, if you are dragged to Riven, needs an overhaul still. I’m contemplating placing in some exposition on the Serpent clergy, but if I do, I’d like to fit that into the path where you go to Riven by free will as well; it’s complicated, and I need a little time to think it over.

- I have yet to add even more struggle for Id if your MC really doesn’t want to go to Riven. It’s coming as soon as I figure what way to go about it -- either another path, or another set of choices.

Please be aware that while there is some new writing in what you have already seen, this is a patch and not an update; an update with another chapter is coming as soon as I work out the kinks in my outline and learn more about coding consequences for choices. I’m still learning choicescript so I’m very unsure of many things. I’m picking up steam though!

[izukuleeyoung]

As a treat, y’all can see the prototype for the HUD for my game in progress. If I could fund the production myself the entire way, that would be cool. As it is, I’m programming and drawing everything myself lol. But a lot of the tutorials from Pixebo have been helping with the pixel style I want to cultivate. I have been drawing pixel art without a guide, but I won’t be showing the results juuuuuust yet ❤

I’ll be rerendering this HUD in a pixel style, soon.

In the bottom right corner there’s a picture of your character. If you sleep enough, you get refreshed and can have stat boosts. If you get hurt I wanna add Soraesque animations in reaction to damage.

Behind your character will be the current weather! Trying to figure out where to stash the season on here. I also have the date in the upper right corner, really big, and a phone option.

I also want a button just for your weapon to cut down on toggling between items trying to find something.

If you want an idea of how involved this game is, think Animal Crossing + Stardew Valley + Nier: Automata. You can mail people gifts and more! PolyAm options, Gender and Pronoun options are gonna be there from the get-go. Story is definitely gonna be folklore inspired and if you wanna be a voice for a character, please let me know? I’ll see what I can go.

Also gonna have more options for customization and decoration! Stay Tuned!

Follow me on Patreon or Ko-fi for a lot more art!

[visionmarred-archive]

character stats tag

tagged by @aeducanka - thank you so much, Karolina! 💜 doing this for a couple OCs and shoving it under the cut.

not tagging anybody this time around, but go for it if you want to! please. it’s always lovely seeing people talk about their OCs. :D

Face claim: Jade Thompson.

Name: Periella Graciana Amell. She hates it when you call her Periella, please call her Perry.

Age: 20-21 (9:30, Dragon)

Height: 5′9″ (1.75 meters? I’m not great at conversions)

Species: Human

Gender: Cis-gendered woman (she/her pronouns)

Birthday: Wintermarch 10th, or January 10th in the real world. She’s painfully a Capricorn.

Residence: Formerly Kinloch Hold, later toggles her residence between the palace at Denerim and the Keep in Amaranthine.

Marital status: Married to Zevran Arainai. 

Love interest: Zevran Arainai. I’m debating an OT3 with Perry/Zevran/Leliana, but I haven’t solidified anything there.

Alignment: Lawful-Good

Drink: Spiced, warmed wine. Apple juice as well.

Food/snacks: Perry loves her desserts. Especially cookies, and especially if they’re chocolate. I will now wonder what kind of cookies are common in Ferelden.

Day or night: Day! She likes having a busy schedule to look forward to.

Pet: She and Sidane share a mabari, Steiner. I’m pretty sure Perry would probably try and catch a frog to keep as a pet too, but I haven’t decided if she’s successful in that endeavor. 

Flower: White lilies.

Color: Purple! Specifically shades of lilac and lavender. She prefers softer tones.

Sexuality: Bisexual.

Body type: Tall, very curvy. Initially on the thicker chubby side, but develops some solid muscle during the Blight thanks to her arcane warrior style of tanking.

Eye color: Purple. 

Hair color: Red.

Face claim: Alice Hirose, at the moment (but I go back and forth a lot here.)

Name: Skysargas Ozarai Starbrac, third of her name. She generally goes by Sky as a nickname, and has used “Roxa Surik” as an alias in the past.

Age: 32 (KOTOR 2).

Height: 5′1″ (1.55 m)

Species: Human

Gender: Cis-gendered woman (she/her pronouns).

Birthday: I’m absolutely blanking here. She would be a Libra in real life, though? Somewhere in the GFFA’s equivalent of early October.

Residence: The Ebon Hawk, at this point. Possibly a residence on Dantooine or Coruscant when she helps rebuild the Jedi Order?

Marital status: She’s single only in the legal sense. They’re not married, but she is in a long-term, committed relationship.

Love interest: Atton Rand, the afore-mentioned long-term, committed relationship. She was involved with Atris from when the two were 16 until Sky joined the Revanchists at 19-20, at which point they broke up.

Alignment: Neutral-Good in terms of a DnD alignment, Light Side in-game. Her Mandalorian Wars days are trickier; she hadn’t fallen to the Dark Side completely, but she was definitely a lot crueler and more ruthless with her enemies and would’ve qualified as either Lawful-Neutral or Lawful-Evil, depending.

Drink: Alderaanian honey wine. She borders on being an alcoholic, if we’re being honest. 

Food/snacks: Any and all sweets, especially chocolate cake.

Day or night: Night. She would claim it’s because she likes reflecting on the day’s accomplishments, in reality it’s more because there’s less people around and she doesn’t feel the need to keep up her mask she wears around others.

Pet: None. I feel like she would’ve tried to befriend some of the wildlife on Dantooine when she was a padawan though lol.

Flower: Hibiscus.

Color: Blue, particularly light and medium shades.

Sexuality: Bisexual

Body type: Small frame, and on the thin side because she doesn’t eat very well.

Eye color: Warm brown.

Hair color: Black.

Face claim: Shunsuke Daito.

Name: Terranill Itenyu of House Starbrac, first of his name. Goes by Terran as a nickname.

Age: 28 (KOTOR 2)

Height: 5′4″ (1.63 m)

Species: Human

Gender: Transgender man (he/him pronouns).

Birthday: I have no idea, tbh. Maybe he’d be a Sagittarius? In that case, somewhere in the GFFA’s equivalent of early December.

Residence: Absolutely not. He loves traveling way too much.

Marital status: Single. Almost got engaged when he was younger, but that was an arranged thing and he very much did not want it.

Love interest: Nobody. I was thinking about him and Mical being in a relationship, but it just didn’t happen.

Alignment: Neutral-Good in a DnD alignment, Light Side in-game, and has stayed that way for pretty much his whole life. Kudos to Terran for being the only one of my KOTOR OCs who hasn’t fallen to the Dark Side even a bit.

Drink: Coffee, but using an energy drink instead of water to make it. Kidding, I’m gonna go with the GFFA’s equivalent of fruit punch for this one.

Food/snacks: Nerf burgers. It used to be omelettes, but he’s given up on bird products when he got Daggers.

Day or night: Day. Terran is a sunny boy who likes sunny days.

Pet: Daggers, an orobird he rescued and took in. His very best friend that he dragged onto the Ebon Hawk with him in spite of how much Mira hates that.

Flower: Tiger lilies.

Color: Crimson red.

Sexuality: Aromantic asexual.

Body type: Short and muscular. He’s actually pretty ripped underneath the clothes, definitely a tank.

Eye color: Hazel-brown.

Hair color: Black.

[vee-blackwell]

i got a bout of depression that hit tonight from not being distracted enough to avoid getting in my own head and i think i had too many bad thoughts about who i am VS family acceptance

my queer things, my interest things, my (lack of) set goals.

it hurt a lot to try and explain transgender things to my gramma while watching I Am Jazz, when talking about nonbinary people using “they/them” pronouns, she essentially said that if you dont use he/him or she/her then you have no gender “so you’re just nothing” which was just too close to home (literally) for me to hear as someone who doesnt feel anywhere close to any definition of gender, and am definitely not enough % to feel comfortable going on the male side of the binary.

that’s the hard part of that. it seems like it would be easier to tell her i’m bisexual or something (another term that doesnt really match me, but explaining asexuality or the differences between pansexual and bisexual self-identities is another thing thats hard to do with an 86 year old woman). but then what if it changes how she asks me about anyone i hang out with or makes weird assumptions about my relationships?

but at the same time, in watching this show with her, where she’s trying her best to be open-minded and learn about transgender people via watching I Am Jazz, she starts asking me to explain things in the show. not in a negative way, again, shes trying to understand which is more than i could hope for other 80+ year old grandparents. but then she asks me how i know so much about transgender people and issues they face when its things she doesnt expect people i know in real life, close to me, to have dealt with yet. and i have to play the��“Educated Ally” instead of the “Depressed, Closeted Transperson” and hope she doesnt go from asking about my friends that are out to wondering about me. because it just makes me fearful of being in another time period of living in an abusive and unsupportive / negligent household where i never feel safe and im constantly arguing with my family. and i dont need that, or even to feel like im risking getting to that point again

i at least want to feel like i wouldnt be kicked out of the house and become homeless, or stop getting money from my family if i came out at all... but how many other transpeople had the same thoughts and were totally wrong? my mom who watched some of the show with us today almost immediately misgendered one of the transgirls on the show, talking about how **she (i dont want to misgender even by quoting my mom) clearly didnt have hormone blockers as long as Jazz because **her voice had changed. and it’s like, alright, she uses a feminine name, looks like any other normal high school girl, and has been working to try and get her voice to pass better, and it’s still so easy for ignorant people like my mom to pick up on that one thing they feel doesn’t fit right and just misgender someone immediately. and it’s worrisome. because i know how easy it is for “the average adult” around my mom’s age to miss the point entirely on how someone works to transition and making their own personal choices

...

im just queer and tired and fearful. my mind screaming at me “do SOMEthing” every time i wake up is like the echo of a broken record player that’s playing somewhere i can barely hear it. so i do something. i get a food. i grab a game. i grab my phone for games. i grab a video, or a game tutorial, or ANOTHER computer game, or i go on social media sites. and i do all these empty “SOMEthings” to mute the bad thoughts like the ones above. the ones that both overwhelm me into submission and also make me numb to any emotions.

i get bored of the phone game, the magickarp jump cooldown timers are all that’s left.

i get bored of harvest moon, after realizing that i was 1 floor away from the bottom of the mines last time i get frustrated. do i go back for it again and make the long boring trek, or do i go back to grinding cooking recipes so i can finally make that god damn tempura meal? each day passes as quickly or as stagnantly as i please thanks to my emulator. freeze time and do my daily farm chores, use the inventory item dupe glitch to keep stocked every gift item i need to give everyone, show everyone on the local islands my pets for bonus friendship points, unfreeze time so that the one fisherman character will finally show up to talk to and i give him his daily gift and show him my dog, i go fishing with frozen or unfrozen time as i choose. the day is done. time for the next one.

i get bored of the computer games that both tantalize me into playing them because i love them and want the mental stimulation, yet the other screens beckon to me stronger, and i sit on the 3 blue hellsites, toggling between them in mixed intervals.

i get bored of neopets, because it is after midnight and its the 3rd day in the row i forgot to do my dailies. god DAMMIT i’m never going to get trudy’s shitty 30 day bonus spin for those 100k neopoints if i keep this up. i go onto the help boards, and bump up the lottery board. copy and paste my old post, add the moneybag emoticon and congrats the winners. short list gives the UNs. long list gets generalized. the regular group of lottery players and bumpers congratulate and recognize each other, making the odd chat message about their lives. this is as far as i chat on the neoboards now because i have no social energy otherwise to talk to other neopets friends about how life is still depressing, and trying to speak around the child filters and character limits.

i go to my mom’s room, its hard to predict if she’ll be home at 5 pm or 8 pm or 11 pm or gone to her shitty boyfriend’s house. it had been GTA V. then crash bandicoot warped (ps3 port). and now skyrim with the DLC. i play it as i spend my life, there are markers telling me where i should go for quests to progress, yet i wander aimless around the world finding something more interesting to explore until i finally remember what i meant to do. my mom comes home, and i ask if she wants me to get out so she can sleep. she says its fine, and leaves the lamp on shining on her bed. it becomes after midnight, my gramma scolds me for staying in there when my mom is sleeping. while i agree, my hyperfocus is hard to break, and it still takes me more time than it should to simply save and quit in the middle of my doing nothing of importance in the game that i play for the middle of my doing nothing of important in my life.

i eat wherever i spend my activity. TV tray by my bed at all times now, my propel bottle sways like a top heavy asshole everytime its moved. the tissue box takes up space for food, but everytime i move it on my bed its either in the way or not close enough to use when i need it. my nose is still almost ready to bleed from the dry summer air. im still dehydrated because i lack the ability to remember to drink the juice, milk, or propel bottles within arms reach.

it’s 3 am, or probably later. i ask joey if it’s time to sleep. i take my melatonin, we both brush our teeth and say goodnight. am i lying to him again this night, and apologizing and saying i’ll do it for real? this could happen twice before the guilt takes over and i either cave and do it for real, or stay awake focused on my daily nothingness distractions.

on the days its 5 am or later, my mom wakes for work. we talk about the cat. we always talk about the cat. sometimes she says her work is shit and that shes in pain. things that are obvious. she leaves for work and says goodnight to me in the hopes i go to sleep soon.

i sleep. around 11 am to 1 pm is around the time i get woken for my medications. anxiety, depression, birth control pill (1 daily for 3 weeks at a time). i have to eat and drink with it, so its something simple. on bad days i fall back asleep for over an hour. like a sloth, i drag the tray of food to me, resting the plate or bowl on my bed to eat as i stay laying down. sitting up means i feel more obligated to stay awake after this. i finish the food, drink, and my pills, and shove the tray back against my closet, and lie back down in bed forcing myself to sleep.

it becomes anywhere from 3 pm to 5 pm, on bad days its 6 and later. i lay in bed after waking up maybe two or three other times from sweating, or tossing and turning with bad dreams or being awake enough that i could get up, but unmotivated or too depressed to get up and have to be awake for that much more time. i crawl to the computer first, turning off my nightly music and going online on steam. just so whoever cares knows im awake. i go adjust the thermostat as both i need as well as what wont freeze my gramma to death (or at least to complaining for hours). i say that i dont know what i want for food. she offers a suggestion, and i say sure. i return to my room until food is brought to me, and i grab juice or milk to have with my meal. it probably gets cold if it was meant to be eaten hot.

i get a food. i grab a game. i grab my phone for games. i grab a video, or a game tutorial, or ANOTHER computer game, or i go on social media sites. and i do all these empty “SOMEthings” to mute the bad thoughts like the ones above. the ones that both overwhelm me into submission and also make me numb to any emotions. the pattern repeats.

...

this has been Vee Life Simulator. sorry. no refunds.