#Bunch of 20s years old motherfuckers dudes who think are better than others just because they are adults playing videogames

[celibibratty]

i thought reddit were more down to earth, no!, this is not being down to earth, they are just rude...just rude!/jerks!, it-was-only-supposed-to-be a text saying that the pak mei form should have on Nintendo switch.........i have a fucking fuss/fighting magnet for some fuckin reason on this shit💢🔥 anything I say on this shit site appears a bunch of motherfuckers to disagree or complain about something, trying to be the known at alls, don't mess with me, that i don't mess with you, if you gonna bite/come to me with bad heart shitty comments, i will bite you too(and i will bite HARD), don't try me, i not in my best state of spirit🔥💢, you so coward and dumbass that you need a bunch dumbass homies like you to defend your shitty behaviour/comments so you feel right/in power, whata hell, i just do/write things on my own little way if don't like/don't have patient to read it, FUCK YOU!, so you not the person to read this, it makes me feel sad how such a cool game like sifu attract such motherfuckers(come on ana i already know/notice that since the moment that the game released (february 2022), don't get so surprised, gamers/fight game community is shitty), stop, stop, stop with this, i used to thought the same thing with lis2 on 2020/weird diazcest and extremist anti phase, i shouldn't take this things from heart, shitty people will always exist on things that you like(it's not the things fault, don't blame them, Ana)

[flagellant]

Figure out if you like and want to shill for rich people or not. They don't care if we die on the streets, if we starve, if we stuffer. They have no guilt for abusing, using, and exploiting us for their gains. You think the original union organizers and protestors "felt bad" for boiling people alive in tar. Do you think they "felt bad" about displacing oligarchical classes. Stop moralizing and get your shit straight. A bunch of dipshit capitalists may well be dead. A win is a win. And no I dont care how scary it is, because all they've done is make this world more hostile and terrifying for everyone else, for their benefit; they, as a social class, are a predator species that most leftists with two brain cells would recognize thebloss of as a net gain. My only empathy goes to any potential crew who arent venture capitalists and thus not actively making the world worse.

My dude, 4 guys able to pay 200 grand, one of their 19 year old children, and a pilot they hired dying a pointless death due to lack of regulatory capacity to stop it from happening isn't a win in the class war, and I'd appreciate if you stop acting like it was.

You say "My only empathy goes to any potential crew [...]" but like. There was crew. There was also a teenager. You clearly aren't actually aware of the actual people on board other than this vague idea that, somehow, a shitty submersible with 6 random vaguely successful motherfuckers on it being lost at sea is this massive victory against the rich. Is it? Is anything actually happening if these people die? Is anything actually coming out of it?

And like, again, I'm not exactly gung-ho about defending people who spent more for one ticket onto the deathtrap than I'll see in my next 20 years minimum, don't get it twisted. But your whole mindset is the issue I'm having with this situation, because it's just so blatantly clear that you don't actually have any empathy to the victims of this, because even the people you'd apparently feel sad about only exist in a hypothetical to you: You feel empathetic for the potential crew that were predated upon (just like everyone else onboard was, btw). You don't feel empathy for the literal pilot, because you've apparently decided to make this about Eating The Rich and not about "Oh my God, there is no fucking way this should have been able to happen to begin with, we need to do whatever it takes to make sure it can't happen to anyone ever again."

By the way, you mention the battle for Blair Mountain obliquely--do you not find it ironic that you're deciding to try and pick a fight with someone saying "The issue here is that capitalism's encouragement of no regulations allowed a business to send a deep sea submersible piloted by a logitech playstation controller down to the titanic for clout, potentially costing 6 human beings their lives"? And do you actually find "a horrific tragedy that could have been avoided if better labor laws and regulations were able to keep pace with tech startup insanity" equivalent to "laborers waging a literal war against people trying to shoot them for demanding their rights to safety as workers"?

[botwstoriesandsuch]

DEAR FISH FUCKERS, YOU’RE WELCOME

I’ve done what no other has done before (to my knowledge) and found the aging system for the Zora! 

Ok so this started as simple research for this ask

See, I misread the phrasing of “best educated guess” to “research for 2 hours and come to a conclusive answer” so anyhow before I indulge you into the answers of the universe allow me to explain the research I’ve come across 

[TL;DR at the bottom]

So firstly, we have to look at our conclusive evidence, from which we’ll base our theory/headcanon on, which can mainly be found in the Creating a Champion book, and some dialogue in game. I’ve compiled them all in these bullets here

Zora children are around 20ish years old [as said by dialogue with Finley in her love letter sidequest, I don’t have a screenshot but please just take my word for it]

150ish is considered middle-aged for Zora

Muzu is around 4 centuries old 

Curved claws, weathered fins, and worn noses are signs of an older Zora that is more than 3 centuries(ish) old

Zora that were friends with Link must be around 150ish (not just 100), since you need to also account for the 20+ years of growing from a child stage, to the more normal sized form that you see them in the game, ergo, it’s that age plus the 100 years stasis that we determine the “middle age” of around 150

150 is the middle age, double that for the average old age of 300 years, but I say it could go to 400 too for additional reasons I’ll explain later with examples with my final age system. Anyhow, Muzu is around 400 if you take the 100 years for actually growing up from childhood, additional 100+ years of holding a different job as I doubt you just straight out hire a councilman without experience, and then another century for where he first started working in in the council, training Mipha, which would overlap with the period of the pre and post Great Calamity and Link’s return, meaning that’s 3 centuries plus 50ish years if we’re being generous with the overlap. This would help line up with the “for over a century” line as that doesn’t quite mean 2 centuries of working in the council, but Muzu is definitely getting up there to 4 centuries for his age alone

Now, I thought, this was gonna be my breakthrough, this screenshot here, depicting the traits of the older Zora. The elderly Zora are probably around 3 centuries old (since King Dorephan said they were young men around Mipha’s time, 150ish+100 gives us the range of 250-300), so I was like “Oh l can look at the size of their fins and noses and head/tail things and find a more efficient way to find their age” but nOPE. There is very little variation in that ballpark, the Zora either have exaggerated weathered noses or nice and shiny fins and no in between. The size of their head fins are roughly the same, with again, the only exaggerated differences being with the King and Sidon which doesn’t help at all because the Royal Zora already have a bunch of other difference such as their SIZE to name one.

I even went to the part about their curved toes, which initially would line up with some other Zora like Muzu

And let me tell you

I’ve looked at their toes

This is them from a child, a middle-aged, and an elderly. Color doesn’t matter and the curve? Well there’s

BARELY A DIFFERENCE 

At least not nearly enough to find an efficient way to find age. Even Muzu’s final model didn’t have the exaggerated curvature as seen in the book.

I looked at their tail tail fins, (not the tail on their head, but their actual small rounded tail fin by their butts) because the book also mentioned how the grown Zora have more pronounced tail fins compared to the kids, but it was the same for the 150s and the 300s sooo not that helpful

So I kept digging. In the book I found that King Dorephan was crowned around 100 years before the game started. In addition I reread the 10 Zora stone monuments and found that he had killed a Guardian with his bare hands and thrown it off a cliff, which he still had a scar from. 

[and yes I attempted to find his definitive age by seeing how long it takes for a scar to fade but I gave up cause Zora anatomy is too different to find a conclusive answer]

So I was like, “ok Dorephan had to have been around 150 when he came to the throne, then 50 years later the guardians are excavated giving way to the story about the guardian...” blah blah blahbla I even went to the supposed site where that guardian was, but it all didn’t really give me that much more info than what I already knew. I was researching ways to age the rock monuments from visuals alone which needless to say is pretty impossible, so I gave up on finding Dorephan’s age and I kept digging. 

All I wanted was something physical that could properly give way to identifying a Zora’s age was that too much to ask???

Now this is where I had all but given up, it seems that my only answer was this vague note about how their fins move up when they grow

Which, to be fair, held true when I looked at the in-game character models myself, but I can’t exactly pixel measure these things for each Zora.

But THAT’S where the revelation came. I was so focused on finding inconsistencies within the elderly Zora, when I should have been looking at the young baby ones. See, this pictures, literally right next to the page about elderly Zora that I was analyzing for ages, is the key to it all

Now, I was thinking about the rings on a tree, and certain species of banded fish that grow and discard different markings as they grow older, I even counted the neck rings on certain Zora to see if they did that thing where they add a ring for each birthday like some African and Asian cultures do (look it up, that stuff’s pretty interesting!) and that is where it struck me.

Count how many luminescent markings are on their head 

The males have 11, the females have 8  (on the one side, the other side has the same number of dots but for simplicity purposes I’m doing one side)

Now let’s count for these Zoras, who are middle aged-ish

The male has 10, the female has 7.

Now let’s look at the oldest Zora that we know of

3 dots above the eye, four on the tail. Muzu that motherfucker has 7 damn dots and I couldn’t be happier.

MY DUDES, GALS, AND PALS THIS IS IT, I’VE CHECKED AND DOUBLE CHECKED WITH NEARLY EVERY ZORA I COULD AND THE NUMBER OF LUMINESCENT MARKINGS ON THEIR HEAD CORRESPONDS WITH THE AMOUNT OF CENTURIES THEY’VE LIVED, LITERALLY AND FIGURATIVELY      DOWN     TO     THE     DOT

First we have Muzu, who as I’ve preciously stated is around 4 centuries old. 11-4? Oh, it’s seven, and that’s the amount of markings he has? OOoo??

How about this Zora Lady who recognized Link from 100 years ago?

Seven dots? 8-7 is 1 so shes just over one century which lines up timeline wise. You can even see how the third dot is slowing shrinking on her head so she’s coming up on 2 centuries 

Ok how about the elders?

NINE. 11-9 is 2 centuries, with again, the dot by their head shrinking significantly showing how they’re getting up on 3 centuries.

The part I circled in green there is jewelry, not a marking, however this only goes further to prove my point. What better way to appear youthful than to have jewelry that makes it look like you have more markings than you have, made with luminous stone, no less.

This guy? Seggin? Super close to 4 centuries, those dots are fading away fast. Count your days old timer

Random dude that doesn’t recognize Link but is an new apprentice for sculpture making? 10 dots, a fresh 1 century pal, lookin young

I was a feral child running across the Domain screaming people’s ages in their face like a rude, naive, brat, I was elated to say the least. Especially since this system even works on the King himself

[plus one dot slightly behind the fin here...]

King Dorephan has 7 dots, he’s 400 years old. Which still lines up timeline wise, especially since he’s similar age with Muzu who he has stated is one of his most trusted advisors, beecaaaaaaaause of the years they’ve spent working together the timelines match uppppppp

This system works for almost all Zora, with 2 exceptions. Guards have helmets that cover their markings, so it’s impossible to tell. In addition, Prince Sidon, has sixteen lights on this hammerhead because he’s fancy like that (we already know he’s canonically 2ish centuries old anyhow from the DLC)

EDIT: I WAS WRONG THIS WORKS FOR SIDON TOO. The sixteen markings I was referring to was actually the amount of marking on each side of the head total, however if we look at the markings for only one side, like intended

Ten dots, Sidon’s over 100 years old. I’d say he’s closer to 150 given the timeline

Essentially, the most surefire way to find almost any Zora’s age is to identify a male or female Zora, count the number of lights on the side of their head/tail thing, then subtract from 11 if they’re a male, and from 8 for a female. The number left is how many centuries they’ve lived. You can check to see if their markings are shrinking and fading to get a sense if they’re coming up on the next century anytime soon. Comparing this with the oldest Zora we see in game, we can conclusively say that the Zora lifespan is around 3 to 4 centuries since no Zora has been seen with less than seven markings

Now go and make your Zora ocs with your appropriate number of lights. I’m gonna have a cookie

[medea10]

My Review of Rent-A-Girlfriend

How did I get into this anime? Let’s just say due to a few websites I frequent around decided to be little whore-ish, I became curious by this particular title. Let’s just say they were mentioning this one at least every other day prior to the premier. So out of natural curiosity and knowing nothing of what I’m getting into, I decided to add another Friday anime to my watch list. I guess Fridays are my busy day for watching anime!

Kazuya Kinoshita is a 20 year old college student. Life seems to be going well for him until his girlfriend decides to dump him.

Not even 30 seconds into this anime and this sad-sack gets dumped!

SERIOUSLY! 18 SECONDS! NEW FRIGGIN’ RECORD!!!

So after Kazuya gets dumped, he ends up on a website and before you know it, he’s made arrangements to go on a date with a rented girlfriend! Yes, these are very much a thing. You can go to a website and pay a woman to go on a date with you. Apparently, Japan has a lot of these services and it does get a little ewwie with it so I’m gonna move on with the synopsis.

The girl he ends up going out with is named Chizuru Ichinose. The first date seemed to be going well, but Kazuya felt off by this girl. He just thought Chizuru was just playing with her clients hearts, plus he’s still a little heart-broken from his previous girlfriend, so he gives her a bad review. So when they go on their second date, Chizuru’s cutesy, sweet act is replaced with someone who is tempermental and sassy.

Just then, Kazuya gets word his grandmother collapsed!

I know it’s weird in the synopsis, but just go with it!

With word of his grandmother in the hospital, Kazuya ends up taking Chizuru to the hospital with him. Turns out Kazuya’s family jumped to the obvious conclusion that this girl is his girlfriend and they went nuts. Mostly at the fact that their son actually got a cute girlfriend! Add another layer of WTF to this cake, Chizuru’s grandmother is in this exact, same hospital as Kazuya’s grandmother. And both ladies are over the moon that these two are dating (even though that’s far from the truth). Chizuru hasn’t even told her family that she’s working at Rent-a-Waifu! Well, let’s just break things off and let the family down easy.

Oh, look! They both go to the same university. Oh look! They’re also next door neighbors. I smell shenanigans!

BETWEEN THE SUB AND THE DUB: At this moment, the only one streaming this series is Crunchyroll. A few weeks into the premier, Crunchyroll started airing a dub. As for the sub, this is my first time really listening to the main lead’s seiyuu, Shun Horie. But the rest of the cast has a nice mixture of memorable voices like Aoi Yuuki, Rie Takahashi, Sora Amamiya, Gakuto Kajiwara…oh fuck!

DAMMIT ASTA, STOP HAUNTING MY EAR-DRUMS!

As for the dub, Crunchyroll is currently publishing an episode once a week. The dub is just okay in my opinion, really nothing to write home about. The only thing I can say is that Aleks Le did a fairly-decent job voicing Kazuya. After voicing Zenitsu last year, he’s got a knack for voicing wimpy twats. Here’s what you might recognize these folks from.

JAPANESE CAST: *Kazuya is played by Shun Horie

*Chizuru is played by Sora Amamiya (known for Toka on Tokyo Ghoul, Aqua on Konosuba, Miia on Monster Musume, Akame on Akame ga Kill, Elizabeth on Seven Deadly Sins, and Yachiyo on Magia Record)

*Mami is played by Aoi Yuuki (known for Iris on Pokemon BW, Madoka on Madoka Magica, Kayo on ERASED, Yuuki on SAO II, Tatsumaki on One Punch Man, Tamaki on Fire Force, and Kinako on Inazuma Eleven GO)

*Ruka is played by Nao Touyama (known for Chitoge on Nisekoi, Koga on Bunny Girl Senpai, Nii on Blue Exorcist, Akira on Kono Oto Tomare, Momo onAi Tenchi Muyo

ENGLISH CAST: *Kazuya is played by Aleks Le (known for Zenitsu on Demon Slayer and Ake on Shield Hero)

*Chizuru is played by Lizzie Freeman (known for Cardinal on SAO: Alicization, Iwanaga on In/Spectre, Trish on Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure Pt. 5, and Felicia on Magia Record)

*Mami is played by Laura Stahl (known for Ray on The Promised Neverland)

*Ruka is played by Sarah Williams (known for Sayaka on Madoka Magica, Felix on Re:Zero, Nonon on Kill la Kill, Mirai on Boruto, Lisbeth on SAO, and Puck on Berserk 2016)

DISLIKED CHARACTER: And now, a poem…

Roses are red Mami’s a cunt…

That’s the poem.

SHIPPING: I can honestly say I didn’t expect the Rent-a-Girlfriend and the Ex-Bitch to meet each other in the second episode. Even after going on a few dates with Chizuru, Kazuya still finds himself “beating his meat” to the thought of his ex, Mami. Only for the girls to beat your meat to change places just a few episodes later!

Oh yes, it’s that kind of series! Kazuya jacks off quite a bit.

Kazuya x Chizuru: At times it feels like Kazuya is really falling for Chizuru for who she really is and not the façade she puts up as a rental girlfriend. But I guess the number of awkward setups and situations these two have been thrown in throughout the series can do that to Kazuya. I mean, how else do you expect Kazuya jacking it off to Chizuru when he’s trying to think of his ex?! Yeah, he’s lied to his family, Chizuru’s grandmother, and all of his friends about this relationship and this relationship is as fake as a three-dollar bill. But there are a few genuine moments that show these two care for each other. Kazuya was ballsy enough to jump off a moving boat to save Chizuru when she fell overboard. And Kazuya felt concerned when Chizuru was thinking about leaving the rental girlfriend profession. Though that could be Kazuya being a pathetic sack of shit and wanting to continue this farce relationship and paying a girl for some attention! It’s so hard to say something kind about Kazuya wanting this relationship to work. But for what it’s worth, I like the farce ship better than the next thing I’m going to speak about.

Kazuya x Mami: I don’t like this bitch and I hate this ship. From the get-go you go in hating this succubus. And when we see her again in episode 2, bitches be bitches! Getting drunk in a public setting and making fun of Kazuya not being man enough for her (in the sexual sense). Then, we get Mami trying to go home with Kazuya when Chizuru is gone. But we don’t stop there, she’s trying at every opportunity to make Kazuya drop everything and fall in love with her again. She’s the one that dumped him, but can’t stand seeing Kazuya with anyone else (no matter the awkward circumstances). It’s clear that Mami has severe jealousy issues. I mean, Chizuru is prettier and nicer than Mami. Meanwhile, Mami is a manipulative scum-wad with the charm of a poisonous snake.

Kazuya x Ruka: Ruka was a rental girlfriend from a different agency and was on a double date with Kazuya, Chizuru, and Kazuya’s idiot friend that sounds like Asta. But due to several misunderstandings between Kazuya and Ruka, turns out Kazuya is the only man to get her heart rate up. So Ruka cuts ties with the idiot friend who hired her and has set sights on Kazuya. And she will fight for her man no matter what. She’s even ballsy enough to interrupt Kazuya’s family celebration of New Years by coming in like an asteroid to fuck things up. At this point in the series, Kazuya’s grandmother is dead-set on him marrying Chizuru. Any other girl is shit compared to her! But Ruka will continue to do her thing. Even applying to the same job that Kazuya works at!

Kazuya x Sumi! You expect me to say something about this? They had one bleeping date! And she’s barely seen outside of the opening and ending themes. If there’s more interactions in season two, holla back at me because this ain’t happening. Although, I’ll support the fuck out of this ship over Kazuya x Mami!

BIG SIMPIN’: So being an older millennial (or X-ennial as I’m currently classified under), I am not hip to the lingo of these youngins. Because of Kazuya, the internet uproared by calling him a phrase known as a “simp”. Well, I don’t want to seem like some out-of-touch boomer. So I’m just going to look up this “simp” term and see if this is legitimate. Let’s see what the Slang-tionary says.

“Simp is a slang insult for men who are seen as too attentive and submissive to women, especially out of a failed hope of winning some entitled sexual attention or activity from them.”

Okay. I think it’s time for the rap interlude of this review.

I don't know what you heard about him But a bitch will get every dollar out of him No cherry-poppin’ as you can see That he’s a motherfucking S-I-M-P

ENDING: Being a rental girlfriend isn’t something Chizuru wants to do, but this gives her practice in what she really wants to do, which is become an actor. And as of recently, Chizuru has been thinking about quitting the rental girlfriend agency. So what would happen if Chizuru quit being a rental girlfriend? That’s a question for another day and another season!

So only a few people have learned about Kazuya and Chizuru’s relationship being the most complicated farce in anime history. Halfway into the series with Ruka’s introduction, she caught on about Chizuru being a rental girlfriend. And because of that incident, Kazuya decided to come clean to his idiot friend, Shun. When Shun hired Ruka to be his rental girlfriend, dude was on top of the world. But when Ruka exposed what he did in front of Kazuya, Shun got severely depressed. Kazuya decides to pay for Chizuru to take Shun out on a date. That’s when Shun finds out that Kazuya hired Chizuru after Mami dumped him.

You know what? I have to spring this up! How long did you think Kazuya was going to hide the rental girlfriend thing to his friends? He’s friends with a bunch of stinkin’ virgins. Lonely, stinkin’ virgins! Plus, if Chizuru is rated #1 on a Google search for top rental girlfriends (as it was established in episode 10), I’m surprised no one else caught on, including the grandmothers. Kazuya’s grandmother is constantly playing on her smart phone. Shun is on the internet all the time. I’m surprised there isn’t an annoying pop-up ad in Japanese Google that would flash at them at any point saying, “Meet legal Japanese chicks in your area” redirecting them to the rental girlfriend website. Followed by giving you a gnarly computer virus!

Well, we’re 10 episodes in a 12 episode series. Why not finally introduce the fourth girl that we’ve been seeing in the opening and ending themes all season?! Chizuru asked Kazuya for a favor to go out with the new rental girlfriend at the agency to help boost her confidence. Enter, Sumi! The best way to describe this silent, moe-blob is a less busty version of Mikuru Asahina. Kazuya and Sumi’s date went over somewhat okay. Kazuya saved Sumi from a bunch of thugs. And while Sumi was silent throughout the entire date, she managed to squeak out a thank you at the end. So not a bad date, right?

Unfortunately, during the date, Mami saw them and trailed them. And it went down just as you would imagine! Mami confronts Kazuya, Kazuya comes up with some bullshit lie to Mami, Sumi is still silent, and Mami is up to no good after she leaves.

Because Mami learned Sumi’s full name, she went to the internet to find a profile or something on a social network. That’s when Mami learned that not only Sumi was a rental girlfriend, but Chizuru as well. It’s not so bad that Shun knows about Chizuru, but if Mami finds out, game over. Game over, Kazuya! So what happens next?

Mami catfished Chizuru by calling her out for a date using the rental girlfriend website! Then they go to the karaoke bar Kazuya works at for their “date”.

GAME OVER KAZUYA! GAME OVER! You lost all 5 lives. Please return to world 1 and may God have mercy on your simpin’ ass!

Kazuya watched their date from a distance (and this time he didn’t get caught eavesdropping like the last time he followed Chizuru). And after a cute mention of the singers to the opening and ending theme to the series, Mami and Chizuru end their date with an exchanging of words. All this proved is that Mami is still a jealous bitch with a dead look in her eyes and Chizuru likes Kazuya. We think! Either Chizuru meant what she said to Mami or she’s a really good actress. When Chizuru came back to the apartment complex, Kazuya met her outside and thanked her for what she said to Mami followed by a confession.

Ah yes, a confession of love! As the credits roll, we see flashbacks of the past 12 episodes and end the series on a cute note and a possible opening to an OVA and we can end from…

Oh wait, there’s more!

Kazuya says he wants Chizuru to continue being his rental girlfriend. Because he knows she’s planning on quitting the rental girlfriend business! So he smooths that over! Both played this off with a wary poker face, but behind closed doors, they are sweating bullets.

OH, and season two has been green-lit. Fabulous!

This anime was addicting to watch. I don’t know if it was as addicting as Uzaki-chan. Then again, I picked to watch Rent-a-Girlfriend over Uzaki-chan. But this was an addicting train-wreck! Watching this dumbass try to fool his family and friends that he really was able to get a cute girlfriend for a full year! How the hell could anyone fall for that mess? People still watched this dumpster fire of a relationship right, so why bitch about the stupidity of Simpy McSimperson over here? I am glad we’re getting a second season because we really didn’t get a chance to see much of Sumi. I know she’s no contender when you put her next to the great Chizuru, but good golly, give this girl some screentime aside from the one episode she got. They made her seem like she was going to be a big player in this anime, but only getting a bit role. I also want to see if Mami is going to redeem herself from the cunt we saw since 18 seconds into the series. I seriously doubt it, but it just gives me more reason to cuss at the computer, calling her every horrible name in the book. And as for Ruka…there’s nothing to say. She’s just gonna be second best no matter what the fuck happens.

As addicting as this anime was, I can’t ignore how many times I had to facepalm at every, stupid action done by Kazuya. I mean, several times per episode, butt-for-brains does something stupid that makes us say, “Dude, WTF” or “Bruh”. Lying to your family, lying to your friends, giving a bad review to your rental girlfriend for giving you great service, jacking it to your ex when you’re clearly hot for Chizuru, following a guy around because he spends the day with Chizuru, and it just goes on and on! You want to root for this twerp in hopes he gets the girl of his dreams in the end, but at the same time, you’re like, “This guy is a total dink.”

Oh, let’s see what season two has to offer…whenever that comes.

In the meantime, if you’d like to check out Rent-A-Girlfriend, Crunchyroll has all 12 episodes available in both sub and dub.

[ragwitch]

First of all, you are amazing for doing this!

It didn’t make it up to M but I filled it up with cute for you. You are great

20. ‘I don’t think ghosts are supposed to feel solid.’

Pairing: Darcy/Bucky

Rating: T to M (for language)

‘Not that I’m complaining, but I don’t think haunted house attendees are supposed to touch the ghosts.’ Wintershock for sachertortes

Darcy paused in the doorway of the next room and a man, or a robot, or a man-bot staggered up from some kind electric rigged chair that had red lights blinking and an ominous buzzing emanating from it. His left arm was built up with what looked like some modified armor from last spring’s Camelot and he was dressed in straps of black leather over his chest and dark cargo pants with combat boots.

“Uhhhhhhhhnnnnn,” he groaned around a black mouth guard. There was white stage make up applied liberally over every inch of bare skin aside from around his eyes, which were smeared with black.

“Not now ghost-bot,” Darcy said, trying to suppress the tremor in her voice. He was pretty scary, to be fair. She just really wasn’t in the mood.

“Uhhhhhhhhmmm.” The groan faded away thoughtfully and a pale hand reached up to grab the mouth guard as he spit it out. “Are you okay, Darcy?”

She stopped herself mid-stride and looked back in at the science experiment gone wrong…ghost-bot.

“Bucky?” she asked.

The metal arm creaked as he waved sheepishly back at her.

Huh. Bucky Barnes, a friend of a friend of a friend, who tended to sit on the opposite side of the house parties she attended but occasionally smiled at her from across the room as if to say ‘this isn’t really my scene either.’ Bucky Barnes with the man bun that seemed less provocative and more like the product of laziness or having grown up with too many sisters. Bucky Barnes, her campus crush, knew her name.

“Umm,” she stepped into the room and winced as a set of televisions to the right of her flared up with static and little green numbers running across black screens. “Have you seen Jane? I got separated from my group by Brock Rumlow.”

The campus theater department had rented out an old medical office building for this year’s haunted house fundraiser. And Jane, who was dating recent theatrical recruit Thor (who was friends with Steve on the football team (who was Bucky’s longstanding roommate)) had begged Darcy to come with her to see her boyfriend as the blood-crazed Viking (trapped in an office building, Darcy wondered) and then proceeded to show up to the event with another five of her science department friends. Leaving Darcy as an entirely unnecessary wheel for the night.

Bucky’s face darkened at the mention of Rumlow and while the expression might not have amounted to much on his normally gentle face, as a ghost-bot it really sold as intimidating.

“She hasn’t made it here, but there’s about a million ways to go through the maze so,” Bucky shrugged and then grimaced as the armor pinched at his armpit. “You want me to walk you through and we can find her?”

“You don’t have to do that,” Darcy said, faster than she really meant to. She wondered if it would be alright if she just sat the rest of the night out in here with him. She could be the ghost-bot’s victim or something.

“No, seriously, there’s a bunch of back ways through,” he said. “Lemme just lock up here.”

He passed her, smelling chalky from the make up and minty from…well, she’d once snagged a warm arm chair that he’d vacated for beer pong and she was pretty sure the mint was just him. He held out his metal hand and Darcy looked down at it and then back up at him. He started to pull away so she wrapped her fingers around three of the metal digits and pale lips smiled back at her.

“Need my real hand for door handles,” he said.

She almost answered that she didn’t really need to hold his hand, metal or not, but that seemed like a dumb thing to say. So instead she just followed him into a staged science lab leading off from his cubicle, where a two-headed scientist cackled over steaming test tubes.

“Hey FitzSimmons,” Bucky said.

“Hey,” they answered brightly.

“That is not far off from reality,” Darcy murmured and watched Bucky’s cheek grin from behind his shoulder.

“Here’s backstage,” Bucky whispered at the next door, holding a finger to his lips. Darcy nodded and he led her into a dark, narrow hallway lined with dim lights  and little chalk signs on every doorway that read things like ‘dentist’s office’ and ‘live dolls’ and ‘scary clowns.’

“You know, Brock shouldn’t have done that,” Bucky whispered, pausing outside of the ‘scary clown’ room.

“Yeah I kind of figured,” Darcy answered, shrugging.

The black and white make up was starting to smear around Bucky’s eyes, creasing at the corners as he smiled at her.

“I punched him in the nuts,” Darcy said and grinned as Bucky had to bury a snort behind his hand.

“Come on,” he said, turning the knob for the clowns. “We can ask Clint if he’s seen Jane.”

Even knowing it was Clint, swinging down a trapeze and cackling as he flipped in the air and landed in front of them in the doorway, it really didn’t help. Darcy screamed as a chest covered in fake blood, a mouth full of rotten looking teeth, and wild eyes loomed up close to her.

“Hey, man! Stage door, stage door,” Bucky snapped, stepping between them. Darcy wasn’t even embarrassed at the way she grabbed onto the leather at Bucky’s shoulders.

“Dude,” Clint groaned falling back, exaggerated frown melding with the red one painted over his face. “I’m so bored. No one wants to come see a scary clown.”

“Gee, I wonder why,” Darcy muttered.

“Have you seen Jane? Rumlow split Darcy off from her group.”

“Low Blow Rumlow?” Clint scoffed. “What a dick. No, I haven’t but I heard some Jane like snorts from next door at the Mad Viking’s booth.”

“Thor, of course,” Darcy said.

“Cool, thanks. No more jump scares on fellow employees.”

“Pretty sure there’s a rule against holding hands with the attendants too, Buck.”

Bucky turned quickly, pushing Darcy back into the hall and shutting the door behind them. Darcy’s hands- which were not shaking, thank you very much, you were totally imagining that -were still digging into the straps of Bucky’s vest. She hadn’t really moved much when Bucky shut the door on Clint and they were pressed together in the hall, her head tilted back to look up into Bucky’s face.

“You okay?” he asked.

She nodded. “Yeah…yeah. I don’t think ghosts are supposed to feel solid.”

One of Bucky’s hands, the not metal one, appeared at her back, soothing at her spine and rucking up her t-shirt. “Not that I’m complaining, but I don’t think haunted house attendees are supposed to touch the ghosts.”

“Huh,” Darcy said.

Bucky’s hand on her back pulled her closer, forcing her feet to shift around his to fit him against her hips. She swallowed, possibly audibly, and noted that this already felt better than anything she’d tried with Ian last spring.

“You okay?” he asked again.

“I am. You asked that,” she said, grinning.

He grinned back, the pink of his smile standing out against the white make up. “That’s right. Meant to do it after I did this,” he said. And then his hand skimmed up her back to cup her neck as he bent down and kissed her.

He tasted chalky like the make up but it didn’t stop her from rising up on her toes to wrap her arms over his shoulders and chase his lips. There was a metal arm digging into her back and she didn’t mind that either because of the way it felt when their hips dragged against each other.

“Still good,” Darcy said, when he pulled away.

“Same, same,” he said, sounding a little ragged. “You opposed to giving me your phone number? For further kissing reasons? Dates too. Lots of dates. Been trying to date you for almost a year.”

“Well you’re clearly learning the technique now,” Darcy said, and her smile almost hurt for how wide it was. She pulled her phone out and made herself a long desired contact for Bucky Barnes and sent him her number.

“You busy later?” he asked, squeezing her hand with his own. This time not the metal one. They’d worked out that she would open the next door.

“I am free unless this ghost-bot texts me to make plans,” Darcy said.

“Good, good. Here’s your stop, you know what to do.”

Darcy did know what to do. She drew Bucky down by his hair for one more nibbling kiss that had him groaning. And then she threw open the door to the Mad Viking’s booth.

“BOO MOTHERFUCKERS,” she shouted, slamming the door shut behind her.

She could just make out the sound of Bucky’s laughter under the sudden bellow of Thor’s surprise. Jane, as it turned out, had moved on again, but Darcy did manage to scare the crap out of some freshman.

“Why are you covered in stage make up?” Jane asked, blinking at her as Darcy finally made it to the exit and found Jane and her science crew waiting for her. “Did you make out with a ghost?”

“I did, yeah,” Darcy said. She pulled out her phone to show Jane the text invitation from Bucky to meet him and the others at the local 24-hour diner after midnight, and then to loiter and have breakfast there, and then to take a nap at his and Steve’s place and eat toaster waffle sandwiches for lunch, and then to go get dinner together after either another nap, some making out, a Netflix movie or any combination of the above.

“Oh my god,” Jane murmured at the screen. “He has no chill and it’s so cute.”

It was so cute.

Jane took the science bros back to campus and then she and Darcy drove out to the diner. Inside, taking up seventy-five percent of the tables and booths, was the entire cast of the haunted house—in various states of uncostumed—and all their extended company. Thor was sitting with FitzSimmons and had a spot reserved for Jane. Bucky was spread out across an entire bench of a booth, Natasha and Steve on the other side, Sam Wilson sitting backwards on a chair at the end. When he saw her, he jumped up and all the water glasses on the table rattled.  Sam hid his face behind his hands, laughing.

“You made it,” Bucky said, sinking back into the booth and stretch his arm across the back.

Darcy took the invitation and leaned into his side. “Yeah…but I’ve got like three more dates lined up after this.” Bucky grinned back at her.

“Did you know you’ve got white handprints on your back?” Sam asked, eyebrow raised.

[noscorpsaladerive]

Flo in Bordeaux!!!!

I wrote up mine and Emily’s experiences seeing Flo yesterday but the verb tenses are all over the place and this is REALLY LONG so it’s going under the cut I hope y’all enjoy :)

So Emily and I got to Bordeaux around noon but we couldn’t check in until 14h so we were walking around trying to find food that didn’t cost 20€ per person and we accidentally came across the theatre!!!  They had a couple posters with Flo’s face on them and I nearly died omg.  We saw a couple of vans outside and I’m guessing it was all of their equipment.

Skip forward a few hours and one mild freak out session that resulted in breathing exercises later, and Emily and I FINALLY head over to the theatre about an hour before showtime.  There are already quite a few people outside, which surprised me a little bit, but the age demographic was very strange.  Like there were a lot of women who were at least in their 40s and 50s and even a gaggle of preteen girls not that enjoying Flo’s music is limited to a certain age group but it was just an unexpected demographic (as Erin said it’s the same one as 50 Shades of Grey lol).  But anyway while we were standing outside I heard some music playing AND IT WAS FLO’S SOUNDCHECK.  I think he was playing J’attends encore but they just played part of it but it was still enough to cause a heart attack dear goodness

So we finally get into the theatre (and there was this whole drama about the staff holding onto my fancy camera during the concert because apparently photos weren’t allowed ugh but ANYWAY) and it like still hasn’t quite hit that I’m actually seeing Flo again??? I think part of it might’ve been the fact that we had to get up at like 4:45 in the morning to go to the train station but I was like scarily calm considering this is Flo we’re talking about.

The opening act was a band from Bordeaux called MO and they were actually really good!! I’d looked them up beforehand and their music seemed like French country and considering that I don’t like American country I wasn’t too excited but it was a little bit more soft pop than country and it almost reminded me of Diane’s music??  It was a very similar genre regardless.  They got the audience to do this like percussive song thing with them and it was really fun I’d definitely be happy to see them perform again.

Then after a good while where the crew moved instruments around and they adjusted the lighting one last time the band walked on stage and started playing some music then FLO WALKED ON STAGE AND I COULDN’T STOP GRINNING LIKE AN IDIOT and they keep playing then he gets interrupted by his mom calling and he finally turns around and I see his stupid face and I’m gonna die just writing about this omg and he’s so damn cute and he’s now wearing a hoop earring (we were on Flo’s left so we had great views of the earring haha) and omg I’m still dying

Anyways after the fake phone call with his mom they start playing Se serrer la main which is one of my fave songs on that album but like i wanted to like stand up and jam along but no one else was standing??? Concerts that take place in real theatres stress me out idk if we’re supposed to stand or sit or what but ANYWAY

after that song ended he asked « Y’a des drôles de filles ici ce soir?? »/« Are there any drôles de filles here tonight? » (sorry I can’t think of how to translate drôles de filles rn) but I FLIPPED MY SHIT QUELLE DRÔLE DE FILLE IS SUCH A JAM (plus it’s my blog title lol) uhhhh idk which songs were next and I’m too lazy to pull up my recording rn to check but he sang a new song and damn it was such a jam and he was like noodling and dancing across the stage and i was struck by two things:  1) he seemed SO COMFORTABLE in his own skin and in his own body and i know he’s struggled with body issues before so it warmed my heart to see him so comfortable with himself and 2) he leaned backwards at one point (a mini-Rosenberggggg lean if you will) and I noticed his abs through his shirt???  And I was like wtf????  Are his abs just THAT well defined or is his shirt kinda see through??? Later on after I saw his nipples I was like YEP that shirt’s see through oops.  I knew his outfit seemed too normal I was getting suspicious. He also dabbed at the end of that song and you could feel half the audience groaning hahaha.

Uh I’m forgetting the song order but for Les Blessures qui ne se voient pas he started out a cappella and people were kinda singing along at first but everyone stopped and it was literally a silent theatre full of people listening to nothing but Flo’s voice and it was so beautiful and powerful I almost cried.  Oh I also almost cried when he did Te Ressembler because I wasn’t expecting him to do that song and it reminds me so much of the relationship I have with my mother and it just gets to me man.

After maybe like half an hour he started the whole bit where he tells us his life story starting with Canada which is a shame that he doesn’t start earlier because I would literally die to hear him perform some Lost Smile.  So he starts out the bit at a bar and he orders a rum and coke from the bartender (aka the guitarist who was wiping down his guitar with a towel as if it was a bar countertop lol) so the guitarist pours him a glass of wine and calls it rum and coke and Flo says « What kind of rum is this? » and the bartender/guitarist says « It’s Bordeaux rum! » and everyone screams since we’re in Bordeaux and Flo says that the best rum is from Bordeaux and everyone screams some more.

He talked about the friend he wrote « Alone » for then he performed said song and I nearly died I never in a million years thought I would ever hear him perform Canada songs live but also I feel like Emily and I were the only ones who knew the song???  The general feeling I got from the audience was confusion while I was jamming along having the time of my life.  The only other Canada song he performed was Mrs Mary which I don’t know as well as Alone but oh well.  

Next he did the getting a call to come audition for MOR and the fake audition and he was acting all cute and when the casting director aka the keyboardist asked how old he was he said 27 and like half of the audience squealed he was acting so cute then this motherfucker went and sang Bohemian Rhapsody which is ANOTHER song I thought I’d never hear him perform live and I just about died and cried I was a roller coaster of emotions last night okay?

Then he sang « L’Assasymphonie » and we all stood up and jammed and I’m pretty sure there was eye contact happening between us and I was living for it seeing Flo perform that song gives me life I have a video too but I’ll be uploading all my videos, pics, and recordings later.

Then he got a fake call from Dove (and I squealed really loudly when Flo mentioned Dove) and Dove said he’d had a dream about Flo with a big sword (ahem) and that’s how he introduced Quelque chose de magique and I died all over again it was like this really awesome rock arrangement and I was living for it @Dove why don’t you get Flo to do the arrangements for your musicals from now on at least that way you can’t tell him to chop all his hair off but I digress.  Tbh I’m really glad Flo did Quelque chose de magique because Mon combat is awkwardly just out of his lower range and Auprès d’un autre is just...yeah.  But it was so great to hear him sing LRA live again I was so pumped.

At some point during the musicals or just after Flo took another sip of the wine (which the guitarist had been drinking lol) and he said « Fuck that’s good I’m gonna need three or four more glasses » and tbh same but after the musicals they brought out a drum and let Flo drum for a bit and they did Sur mon nuage then he did Arrête somewhere in there???  Oh and the slow version of Je ne sais pas (which is the better version imo) which he apparently wrote about the girl who dumped him in Canada which I totally didn’t realize.

Then he was winding down the show and did that sped up version of Quoi de neuf which stresses me out because it’s so damn fast and he also kept switching up the lyrics in the chorus???? Like dude wtf I can’t sing along if you keep changing it!!!!

He left the stage afterwards but came back to do another new song whose name I forgot and he tried to teach us the chorus and was like « it’s really easy!! » but I couldn’t understand the words he was singing???? Oh well maybe he’ll release it on his next album whenever that’s happening (which he hasn’t even mentioned another album so I’m not holding my breath lol) then he ended with Qu’est-ce qu’un homme which is such a good song y’all it’s SO GOOD. But y’all when he had his arms around his band members to bow the Floobs were out they were really out there and idk how to process this information.

We headed outside to see about stagedooring and there ended up being two groups of fans at two different exits and we were kind of eying each other trying to figure out who was going to be right and if we needed to rush to the other side but all of the sudden everyone rushed to one of the theatre’s main doors??? So Emily and I rushed along and we were all penguin huddled together and no one really knew what was happening but we were all just waiting while the theatre staff opened the door and let a few fans in at a time.  We finally figured out that we were meeting Flo inside which I thought was nice since that way he wasn’t being crowded by a bunch of fans at the same time.

So Emily and I finally get inside except I’m getting loopy because of lack of sleep and we really hadn’t eaten that much that day either and I was SO CLOSE to deciding I was going to tell Flo I was disappointed he didn’t do any Lost Smile lol.  So the line of fans goes around a corner so we can’t really see what’s happening until we get up close and we can see the dudes that opened the show and we thought Flo would be after them but no you greet Flo first and that’s when my heart started beating real fast I wasn’t fucking ready y’all but we were doing it.

So I finally get up to Flo and he and a staff member are talking about how many people are still waiting and he didn’t quite see me at first when I handed him my ticket to sign and when they’re done talking I quietly say « hi » and Flo finally sees me and y’all he got so fucking excited I was so worried he wouldn’t recognize us but he did!!!!!!!! Even though it’s been almost two years!!!!! He asks us how we’ve been and he seemed so sincere and genuine and so interested like he really did want to know how we had been doing and as he’s signing Emily’s ticket I asked what his cat’s name was and he said he wasn’t saying right now but that he was going to announce it later.  But he did tell us his cat was super sweet and that he didn’t make too much noise in the morning and that he will play fetch like a dog and I was like omg my cat too!!! I’m also 95% sure at some point during this convo I straight up told Flo I love his cat but idk if he heard but he didn’t seem weirded out lol so that was good.  Flo took selfies with me then while he was taking selfies with Emily I said, « The concert was better than Harry Potter » (a reference to the classic « Song For A Lunatic ») and he was trying so hard not to lose it mid-selfie and I’m pretty sure it was the cause of the blep in Emily’s selfies it was so fucking great hahaha then the theatre staff fussed at all of us because we were taking so long but it was so worth it. He thanked us for coming and seemed really sincere about it like it wasn’t in just a « I need something to close this convo with fans » way it was like really genuine and this man and his sincerity will be the death of me.

Emily and I stayed calm until we got outside the theatre then we fucking lost it and screamed at Emily’s mom on the phone while she was at work because FLORENT MOTHE RECOGNIZED US and he had like a substantial conversation with us and he didn’t with the people ahead of us and he smiled SO MUCH in our selfies it was so amazing I feel so validated as a fan like one of my all time fave singers actually knows who I am and I’m dying.

I recorded most of the concert so I’ll post that recording and some pictures and videos later on!!  Damn this turned out wayyy longer than expected lol.

[bobbystompy]

64 Quotes I Enjoyed From 2017

Below are my favorite quotes from 2017. Though most occurred throughout the year, some took place before but were encountered during.

(Allison Greene)

The irony and thematic implication of this first quote -- transcribed in January -- is not lost on me.

1) “I wish you all a Happy New Year. Meaning that I wish for your New Years Eve to be happy. It’s hard to wish hundreds of thousands of people to have an entire happy year. That’s a lot. That feels greedy and hopeless and also some of you might not deserve a happy year. Everyone deserves a happy moment or day now and again but a whole happy year I would wish on maybe eight people and four of them are terminally ill children.

Also please remember that the turning over of one year to another is a mental construct that bears no more weight than the things that keep us apart and in competitive categories as human beings. Time is not moving. You’re not losing or gaining ground. You’re not separate from ‘them’ anymore than you’re separate from your own umbrella. It’s now, we’re us and this is here. If you’re in pain, this too shall pass. If you’re in luxury, this too shall pass. Ask an old lady how she’s doing. The internet is not real. Draw a picture on a napkin.” - Louis C.K.

2) “Flowers cost money you could spend on alcohol.” - Tracy Cunningham

3) "Never make fun of people for mispronouncing a word. It means they learned it by reading."

[that one felt profound when I first read it, but there are probably holes you can poke]

4) “Middle America does not have a monopoly on tough times.” - Drew Magary

5) “The whole point of going to a wedding is to complain about it.” - Drew Magary

6) “The world is too noisy and distracted to probably ultimately survive. Everyone needs to shut the fuck up. The answers are in the silence. Monks set themselves on fire to protest and make this point.

Just consider it.” - Garry Shandling

7) “The fact that Chargers fans get to live in San Diego isn’t as much of a solace as you think, either. When you’re unhappy, Southern California can be the loneliest fucking place in the world. Everywhere you look, you are surrounded by people whose lives are seemingly more perfect than your own. And the fantastic weather acts a kind of lingering nag... an irritating reminder that you SHOULD be happy even if you’re not. When you live somewhere miserable, at least you have an excuse for it. People leave you alone, or they help you drink the pain away indoors. You’re not surrounded by a bunch of fucking Jack LaLannes and Navy steakheads making it worse.

[...]

This is how the San Diego Chargers ended, and their fans deserved better. There won’t even be rain to help water the team’s grave.” - Drew Magary

8) There is no meeting without a Gentry story. He tells the story of Doug Collins’s college coach at Illinois State, Will Robinson, putting Collins in front of a mirror and saying, “Now, that’s an ugly motherfucker.” Then Robinson gets a basketball, hands it to Collins, and says, “Now you’re a handsome motherfucker.”

-- “Seven Seconds or Less” by Jack McCallum

9) "This is gonna be bad. So be good." - Patton Oswalt, on the next four years

10) REPORTER: You always hear about guys in the zone. What’s it like to be in that zone and have that moment two games in a row?

DION WAITERS: Oh man, I love that moment. I mean, you can never shy away from that. I just feel—one of my favorite quotes is, uh ... I forgot it already. One of my favorite quotes. But yeah, can’t be afraid of taking them shots.

11) "No person can be explained in one trait." - Jason Benetti

12) That Federer could dig so deep without losing the spirit of grace and generosity he has carried for much of his career--amazingly, it didn't sound insincere when he told the crowd in Melbourne that he would've been happy if Nadal had won--was enough to make Agassi introspective. He fired off a text to a friend, fellow American ex-pro James Blake. Watching Federer, Agassi wrote, "makes me feel like I was much more of a broken person than I even realized."

-- the 2017 Australian Open

13) “Do you, because everyone else is taken.” - Uber driver

14) Federer's physical skills have tended to obscure just how he resilient he has been throughout his career--a point not lost on him. "My mental toughness has always been overshadowed by my virtuosity, my shotmaking, my technique, my grace," says Federer. "That's why when I lose, it seems like, 'Oh, he didn't play so well.' And when I win, it looks so easy." He says it has been that way since he was young. "Just because I don't sweat like crazy and I don't grunt, I don't have this face on when I hit the shot like I'm in pain, doesn't mean I'm not trying hard," he says. "It's just how I play. Sorry."

15) "I’ve always said the only way to change anyone’s opinion is to make him laugh first. It still is." - John Waters

16) “Women like babies. Men like their sons and daughters.” - Kevin Haack

17) “At once, Federer would triumph over his two greatest rivals: Nadal and Hawk-Eye.” - Chris Almeida, on Roger Federer’s 2017 Aussie Open win

18) “Brady did everything in Super Bowl 51 short of fertilizing crops with his own feces to feed his teammates.” - Bill Simmons

19) “It's still hard to believe the Falcons actually lost this game. They're the first team in Super Bowl history to lose with a pick-six in its pocket, one that felt like an unlikely gift given that it came from Brady. Some will throw around the "choker" label, which is inelegant at best and condescendingly incurious at worst. If choking means running after a quarterback on 68 dropbacks until there's hardly any air left in your lungs, the Falcons choked.” - Bill Barnwell

20) “Keep in mind: Plenty of people already think Chance The Rapper is corny. Plenty of people have been thinking it for years. Plenty of people who now love Chance The Rapper had to get over the corniness threshold, to train themselves to love the yawpy ad-libs an the voice-cracks and the general hyperactive teenage energy. When Chance won Best New Artist and howled the word 'God' in his acceptance speech about 32 times, I saw plenty of grumbling — We get it, dude, you believe in God — in my Twitter timeline. Someone even said that the music industry had figured out how to manufacture a marketable version of Christian-rap figurehead Lecrae. And that gets at another common complaint about Chance: that he’s an 'industry plant,' a creature created by the music business, one who uses 'independent' as a buzzword rather than as any kind of unifying philosophy. Those of us who love Chance, that line of thinking goes, have been somehow hoodwinked or manipulated into it. And there have been plenty of other perceived sins over the years: the overalls, the KitKat commercial, the constant references to Nickelodeon cartoons, the persistent smiling. Whether or not you love Chance, there is a strong possibility that he’s annoyed you once or twice.” - Tom Breihan

21) “Traveling is the antidote to ignorance.” - Trevor Noah

22) "But mostly, it's in how Celebration Rock treats every day like the last day of school, raising a glass to the past, living in the moment and going into the future feeling fucking invincible." - Ian Cohen

23) “In fact, it turned out that there was nothing ‘dangerous’ at all in picking on women and refugees. People will pay you good money for that. The dangerous ideas are the ones they don’t pay you for, the ones that don’t get you on HBO. You’re actually dangerous when you do what Yiannopoulos did in the ‘pedophile’ tapes: defend society’s most hated outcasts, and tell the truth about the complexities of gay men’s sexuality. You’re dangerous when you stick up for those on the fringes rather than kicking them. There’s nothing courageous or edgy in bullying the despised and excluded. But it might be dangerous if you dared to empathize with them.” - Nathan J. Robinson

24) [Taj] Gibson was asked if his dunk over Dwyane Wade was his favorite moment as a Bull. "It really wasn't. That was just a dunk. It really wasn't one of my favorite moments of my career, to be honest with you. I had a lot of shining moments in my career. Just being around Thibs, he taught me that people don't look at, some of the games, most of the games, they look at the bright spots. I have a lot of different bright spots in my career. The biggest one in my career would have to be just being on the team when guys were down and having a coach look at me and know that he can count on me. No matter what position, no matter what time in the game. And he would trust some of the most important plays for me to do. Those were the most important moments of my life, just having a guy between Fred and coach Thibs, knowing guys that are ahead of me, making twice as much money as me, and he's still calling my name through crunch time. Those were the best moments of my life."

[have some, Carlos Boozer]

25) “You can't let politics dictate what you read or who you fuck.” - Chuck, “Girls”

26) “Watching Kawhi Leonard play basketball is like when you get the email you’ve been waiting for and it says all of the things you were hoping it was going to say.” - Shea Serrano

27) “This isn't a choice, like my diet. This is a necessity, like my drinking.” - Ben, “Veep”

28) “It's like how love songs never go out of style because no one's ever written one that's closed the book on the subject.” - Brian King, Japandroids

29) Pitchfork: A lot of the lyrics on the album take advantage of this universal, mythic rock'n'roll language, like on "Fire's Highway": "Hearts from hell collide/ On fire's highway tonight/ We dreamed it, now we know."

Brian King (Japandroids): Personally, I really like the concepts of good and evil, heaven and hell-- the extreme boundaries of how people can feel and how fast things can change. I like that that language. I'm not talking about just some night you felt a certain way, I'm talking about the night you felt that way-- that one time. People have always alluded to those extremes as a way of characterizing the most intense feelings since blues and the early days of rock. A blues singer won't be like, "We broke up." He'll say, "Satan stole my baby from me." You just pick it up.

30) “Friends of mine, hitting partners, are Federer fans for real. They own his racket, his sneakers, the hat with his RF logo. When he loses, they're wrecked; when he wins, it's only slightly less painful, because it's one fewer win they get to witness.” - Rosecrans Baldwin

31) “Bad ideas rarely spread when the population is educated about better alternatives.” - Greg Graffin

32) This entire story (9:47 to 10:15)

RIP, Don Rickles (1926-2017)

33) “Being pregnant is cool and weird: Your bones ache, your gums bleed, your ligaments basically just start giving up. (A hormone called ‘relaxin’ is involved.) You plan decades ahead, then worry you’re jinxing it all. You’ve got a decreasingly nebulous imaginary friend there to listen to your hopes and fears at all hours and you occasionally get the hiccups. But the strangest thing about being with child is the way your body becomes not yours, and not even the baby’s, but the world’s. Complete strangers reach out and touch. Internet commenters opine. Photos of yourself splayed postpartum on a gurney, hair matted to the side of your face, one boob swung free, are triumphantly text-messaged to fathers-in-law without your express written consent.

It’s not fair, it’s never fair, but it’s nevertheless the shared experience of so many women during a powerful, vulnerable time.” - Katie Baker

34) "I just watched Deadheads spin around for three hours looking for miracles." - Brad Back

35) “Comparison is the thief of joy.” - Theodore Roosevelt

36) "The Spurs’ run of NBA success is now old enough to vote, and in a couple of years it will be legally old enough to share finely aged red wines with Popovich, although I suspect he’s been slipping it glasses at home for a few years now. One of the cornerstones of that success has been an ability to find talent where nobody else looked." - Rodger Sherman

37) "Cutting at the right time is more important than being fast." - Bill Belichick

38) “You run into an asshole in the morning, you ran into an asshole. You run into assholes all day, you’re the asshole.” - “Justified”

39) “An asshole is not a brilliant visionary just because a toilet has a bottomless appetite for what comes out of it.” - Albert Burneko, on the passing of Roger Ailes

40) "He would’ve been a rock star no matter where he’d been born, or when." - Rob Harvilla on Chris Cornell

41) "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." - Rod Stewart

42) “I have never regretted taking a walk. Every time you walk, a bunch of cool shit happens. You burn calories, for one thing. You think of cool ideas. You also get an immediate sense of the layout and vibe of wherever you happen to be. It’s a cheap shortcut to feeling like a local. I walked around downtown Atlanta for two hours once, which was long enough for me to realize, ‘Oh hey, this is the part of town that sucks!’ Then I went and walked around a cooler part.

Also, walking forces me to pocket my phone and actually look around for a bit (in theory…sometimes I check the phone while walking, which is galactically fucking stupid and could get you killed). I can actually feel GOOD about the world when I walk around, because I’m seeing it as it stands now, instead through the horrifying prism of online news and discourse. The sun still shines out there. People are smiling. It’s not bad. You wouldn’t even know we’re all gonna die soon. Not everything has rotted away just yet. You can leave the shifting sand dunes of the day far behind, to borrow a phrase from Professor Fartsniffer up there.

Also, you don’t have to look for a parking spot.

I walked today. I walked past a school and saw a bunch of kids playing touch football and they accidentally launched the ball over the fence and into the road, where they couldn’t get it. So they asked me to grab it for them. I hucked it back over and one kid shouted ‘YOU DA REAL MVP!’ And you know what? For that one little moment, I was, indeed, da real MVP. Step aside, Kevin Durant’s mom. I saved touch football. What did you ever do?

That kind of experience isn’t really possible when you’re sitting in a car. When you drive, you’re basically in a kind of self-imposed purgatory. The goal is to get wherever you’re headed so that you can resume your life again. I have tried to slow down and savor my surroundings while driving but it rarely works out because A) It’s not safe and B) I want to make good time. I have my eyes on the road and my ears on my SWEET TUNEZ, and I’m only slowing down to gawk at an overturned milk truck. ‘Wow, that looks BAD.’

The most important moments in life usually happen when you’re walking. Ever ask someone you’re dying to go out with if they wanna go for a walk, and they say yes? It feels fucking GREAT. That’s gonna be a good walk. Then maybe you two walk down the aisle after you get married, and then walk through the hospital to see your new baby in the nursery, and then walk with that child as takes its first steps. And then maybe someone close to you dies, and you have to walk with their casket to their gravesite. I’ve made some of these walks. I haven’t forgotten any of them.” - Drew Magary

43) "‘A great nation does not hide its history, it faces its flaws and corrects them.’ - George W. Bush

Let us again state clearly for all to hear. The Confederacy was on the wrong side of history and humanity. It sought to tear apart our nation and subjugate our fellow Americans to slavery. This is a history we should never forget and one that we should never ever again put on a pedestal to be revered." - Mitch Landrieu

44) "Just found out Joyce Manor is playing in Bristol on 7/13. When god closes a door, he opens a moshpit." - Chris Trott, after missing the Captain, We're Sinking Show in Chicago on 7/12 due his England trip

45) “The most prestigious honor in music isn't a Grammy. It's ‘I like this band enough to see them at 10:30 p.m. on a Wednesday.’” - Steven Hyden

46) “I think of you every time I speed up my podcasts.” - Christine Jastrow’s 31st birthday tribute to yours truly

47) "A man of genius makes no mistakes; his errors are volitional and are the portals of discovery." - James Joyce

48) “Personally speaking, a millennial is anyone younger than me who gets on my fucking nerves. I don’t think of like, Dak Prescott as a millennial, because he seems cool. But Chris Brown? Fuck him sideways.” - Drew Magary

49) "It's a scientific fact that a beer tastes better when it travels more than 5 feet in the air" - @PFTCommenter

50) Dustin Brown perfectly summed up what it's like to play on Centre Court. "It would be nice if we're playing every match out there. It's very comfortable. Even when things aren't going your way, it relaxed me a bit to say 'this is where you always wanted to be,'" he said after his Wimbledon second round loss to defending champ Andy Murray.

51) "One thing I’ve always found fascinating about Federer (or, rather, the way we talk about Federer) is that there’s never been any backlash. Normally, when an athlete has been around as long as Federer has, and has been as great as Federer has, and is on the receiving end of so much adulation, some sort of noticeable backlash occurs. Never with Fed.

Relatedly, people root for Federer unabashedly, and did so even during that stretch in the 00's when he was as dominant a force as any sport has seen. Casual fans tend to root for the underdog, but Federer was so sublime that he made people root for Goliath." - Andrew, Deadspin reader

52) “‘Federer manages to scamper across himself’ is one of the more Federer tennis calls I've ever heard.” - Brian Phillips

53) “Everything before the word ‘but’ is horseshit.” - Jon Snow

54) “Be present.” - Megan Filip

55) "The successful person is one who finds an opportunity in every problem. Unsuccessful people find a problem in every opportunity." - Lou Holtz

56) “It ain’t a hit till Nate Dogg spit.” - Mack 10

57) "Nobody goes to work tomorrow. General strike, fuck this country." - some of Blake Schwarzenbach first words at the Jawbreaker reunion

58) “It’s hard getting good news -- you don’t know what to do with it.” - Blake Schwarzenbach, at the first Jawbreaker show in forever

59) “When I was a child, I spoke like a child.” - Davis,“Treme”

60) “In one sense, the story of human history is just people inventing progressively more advanced ways in which to be awful idiots, in groups.” - David Roth

61) "Reality gives nothing back and nor should you." - Kobe Bryant

62) “Show me a hero and I'll write you a tragedy.” - F. Scott Fitzgerald

63) "Brevity is the soul of wit" - William Shakespeare

64) "If I shoot an airball, call the foul." - Dirk Nowitzki

[lestifuckingforget]

Why I Moved Out Last Time

Unfortunately, I wasn’t smart enough to stay out. More on that in a later post. This archive is from an old chat with a very close online friend. TRIGGER WARNING: Just look at the tags, my dude. Abuse, violence, assault, etc. ---- LestIForget03/13/2019 So my brother just knocked me onto the floor and tried to strangle me... that was nice. I'm leaving on the 26th. [Fiance at the time] made the decision.

Best Friend03/13/2019 Give me perspective on that first part please.  Normal brotherly assholery, or assault?

LestIForget03/13/2019 Assault

Best Friend03/13/2019 what the fuck

LestIForget03/13/2019 That what I kept thinking. Well, after he finally let go of me.Hard to think when your airways are getting squeezed. And Mom knows, she just flat out denied it even happened to my face.

Best Friend03/13/2019 age? motivation? police?

LestIForget03/13/2019 Joel is 20. Motivation is a bit complicated. I'll get to that in a sec. I didn't call the police because the cops know him better than they do me, and Mom made it clear she was going to deny it if I did call them. So I didn't want to waste the officers' time. Anyway, motivation. Bit of a complex story, but I want to be fair and give you the full picture. Lemme save what I'm working on first.

Best Friend03/13/2019 okay. do you need my help?

LestIForget03/13/2019 I'm alright. Okay, so. Basically, I had trouble sleeping last night, so I woke up late. Samara wanted me to get up and get dressed, and told me I had to do it in ten minutes. She wanted Joel and I to go with her and mom to sign her will before she left for Japan. Mom couldn't sign because she was the notary or something, IDK what it's called, so [Family Friend] was going to meet us to be Witness Three. I thought he would be meeting us at wherever we were going. Now remember, I have pollen issues. So I got dressed and got out there, couldn't wear my mask because we were going out in public, and I was having trouble breathing. I hoped if I could dash to the car and get inside, I would at least have the sanctuary of the car and then, once we got to the wherever, I could be inside an air conditioned building. But no -- Mom hadn't even started the car, she was sitting in the driver's seat with the windows open, and when I opened the back door to get in, there was a folding chair in the way. Joel and Samara were chatting outside the car. I was confused by the chair and, in my panic, I muttered, "Are you fucking kidding me?" Mom took offense and told me I was "unwelcome" if I was going to curse. I apologized and switched to "heck". I got inside. Then I asked why we were waiting, and Mom said we were waiting for [Family Friend] to meet us here. So I said, "Let me know when number three gets here then," and went back inside.  [TBCd, not done typing.]

Best Friend03/13/2019 (k)

LestIForget03/13/2019 So a few minutes after that, I hear Joel and Mom come storming in. From what I can hear from my room, Joel dropped a bunch of f-bombs and Mom got triggered again, telling him he wasn't allowed in the car with that sort of language. So he called her bluff, got out of the car, and went inside. Samara of course started panicking, because she needed her will signed. Joel was shouting and Mom was shouting, and eventually Joel went off somewhere. I came out, hoping to reassure Samara and Mom that I was, in fact, still interested, I just needed shelter, and I wanted to ask if they needed a new third witness now. I walk out and Mom immediately turns on me. I say, "I just wanted to know..." and explain my mission, and Mom says something about how dare I pretend I care when I cursed up a storm. I'm confused and try to remind her that I only said the word once and immediately switched to "heck" when she called me on it. Mom won't listen and keeps interrupting me, dragging up any excuse to call me a bad person (even things that happened weeks or years ago completely out of context), telling me I'm not allowed to drink her coffee (translation: any coffee under her roof) because of my behavior. Then Joel comes back in -- perfect fucking timing -- and starts apologizing to Mom. IDK if he meant it. TBH I doubt he did, considering what happened next. He immediately starts yelling at me because Mom is yelling at me. He starts saying shit like -- IDK if you know anything about Stephen Crowder, but basically, the insipid shit that guy says to get a rise out of people he disagrees with. The "I'm sorry your mother didn't love you enough" type of shit. Really stupid, and honestly, it irked me. So I told Joel to calm down and chill. [TBCd]

Best Friend03/13/2019 ...k

LestIForget03/13/2019 So Joel instead starts getting right up in my face, intimidation-tactic style, and yells something like, "Go back to your pit -- okay, your pit -- and leave us normal people alone." I'm still confused, but I'm starting to leave the kitchen. Joel continues to follow after me. Mom's yelling. Joel's yelling -- and cursing. And Mom's letting him. So I'm further upset. He won't back off, and I'm trying to end the conversation. He won't leave me alone. So once we get to the kitchen doorway, I give him one final, "Joe, I don't care what you're on about, you need to back the fuck off and get out of this." He yells at me again, something to the effect of "No, if you want to be a man, act like a real one," etc. So I lift my foot to push him away. He then shoves me into the hall. I'm like, "Okay, this is escalating, I'm walking away. That was stupid of me." Joel starts yelling at me like, "You want to fight? You want to kick me? You're gonna kick me?" and swatting at me, so I just keep moving. Finally, I get in front of my bedroom door, and I try to push him away, I tell him to stop and back the fuck off. He then goes right for my throat. I can't defend myself in time because 1] I'm not a violent person and 2] I have a splattermask on, so my FOV is shit. I go down on the ground, and Joel is still yelling, "You want to kick me? You want to kick me?" Then Mom comes in from the kitchen. Joel eventually lets go. I ask, "Did you not just see that? He tried to actually strangle me!" and my mom says, "Oh, please. He didn't try to strangle you." Joel says, "Oh no, I was trying to do that." and Mom just brushes it off. I finally just go to my room and stay there. So my oldest sister Jean ended up being the third witness. Finis.

Best Friend03/13/2019 remind me why you're not on a bus to Kansas right now

LestIForget03/13/2019 Oh, and he called me a motherfucker right before I pushed him with my foot. Hence why I doubt he was actually sorry for cursing. Because I want to be able to pay rent first.

LestIForget03/13/2019 However, it's out of my hands now. I told [Fiance at the time] what happened, and she bought me a ticket for 2AM on the 26th. And she wouldn't let me argue her down. So that's that. Joel is still welcome and loved in the house, I heard him joking around and making Samara laugh when they got back from the notary, and nobody's even knocked on my door to see if I'm okay.

Best Friend03/13/2019 I have a lot of sour and jaded opinions about family. your family does not change my opinions.

LestIForget03/13/2019 I'm just shocked and disgusted that my brother would actually go that fucking far with violence. I'm not even exaggerating, it was not a pet strangle or a play strangle.

Best Friend03/13/2019 I wish there was something I could do, or I hope that I've already done enough to help your escape I believe you. it's horrid.

LestIForget03/13/2019 It's fucking disgusting.

Best Friend03/13/2019 I don't know how you will readily forgive this. or why you would, other than principle okay.  less than 2 weeks.  this gives me relief.

LestIForget03/13/2019 And the fact that they still are okay with him but call me an abuser, accuse me of threatening them and being violent, etc. when I didn't even try to physically fight back while he had me on the goddamn ground, is just fucking putrid. I have never, ever wanted to cause harm to a family member. Not even when Dad or Mom would actually physically attack me. I was always defend-or-run-or-ride-it-out. But no, I'm the one who makes people feel threatened somehow.

Best Friend03/13/2019 you should not change that doctrine.  Violence is violence, and this is assault and abuse.

LestIForget03/13/2019 Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent. Joel is fucking incompetent.

Best Friend03/13/2019 get out of there. and never look back.

LestIForget03/13/2019 Believe me, now that I've seen that the violence isn't over, that it's not just emotional manipulation? I'm getting the fuck out.

Best Friend03/13/2019 yup.  it is abuse on all fronts.

LestIForget03/13/2019 I was only willing to withstand the emotional shit. That stuff I can scrub off. I can't scrub off the physical shit.

Best Friend03/13/2019 you've been physically assaulted, emotionally abused, stolen from, lied to, and invalidated. they are losing you.  I hope they learn to regret it.

LestIForget03/13/2019 TBH They'll probably just circle jerk and agree it's all my fault and that I'm just the crazy one in the family. But so fucking be it. John and Dad are the only ones I'll ever give the time of day. Dad because he has become a better person and realized the importance of love and support, even if he doesn't accept something; and John because he's the youngest and high-functioning, and he more than anyone else needs someone to be there who can understand him.

Best Friend03/13/2019 I'll believe he loves you correctly if he supports your flying out of the nest and into your actual real life

LestIForget03/13/2019 I haven't told him. He won't argue with me, though. And he's one of the few people who might give me a ride to the bus station when he finds out I'm leaving. Dad, I mean.

Best Friend03/13/2019 right for the record, I'm fucking done with your family. nothing i've ever heard endears them to me

LestIForget03/13/2019 -hugs-

Best Friend03/13/2019 I already have a dim view of families -squish- you have always deserved better than this

LestIForget03/13/2019 I hope you're right. That I deserve better, anyway. I'm going to try to make something of myself in Wichita so that I don't have to go back.

Best Friend03/13/2019 if I'm wrong, then I'm happy to have whatever learning disability that prevents me from knowing the more correct answer

LestIForget03/13/2019 I'll sleep on a park bench or behind a Denny's before I come back here. Lol

Best Friend03/13/2019 heck fren I've seen people sleep inside the Denny's

LestIForget03/13/2019 LOL That's how determined I am. I'll even sleep outside the damn Denny's.

Best Friend03/13/2019 at this point I think you'd be welcome in a domestic shelter. this wasn't just violence.  this was a death threat. there's ways to be violent that do not directly attack life support systems.

LestIForget03/13/2019 Fair. Although I think he would have let go once I passed out.

Best Friend03/13/2019 the message sent by "throat" is something much darker than --

LestIForget03/13/2019 .... if he could tell actually.

Best Friend03/13/2019 jesus christ [LestIForget]

LestIForget03/13/2019 Because I was wearing my mask So he couldn't have seen my eyes close. But heyyyyyyyyy he just got his EMT certificate so

Best Friend03/13/2019 choking can cause brain damage

LestIForget03/13/2019 Maybe he could have resuscitated me LMFAO

Best Friend03/13/2019 I know you're being facetious to cope and shit maybe I'm just not ready to laugh about this

LestIForget03/13/2019 Fair I'm sorry. I'm still pretty shook about it myself, I'm just kinda past the "wtf" stage and more into the "lol this world is shit isn't it" stage.

Best Friend03/13/2019 I recognize that.  Please don't feel like you owe me an apology.

LestIForget03/13/2019 -hugs- I should make coffee tbh Or tea, maybe Something to help calm me down

Best Friend03/13/2019 if you're allowed to have coffee

LestIForget03/13/2019 Thing is, I don't even want to like burn the house down when I leave or anything. They can crash and burn in their own time. I just want out. And the more time I have to sort of breathe and recenter and get over the shock, I'm just like, "The more things change, the more they stay the same," and I figure they're just as right for this world as I am. Oh, I'll find a way.

Best Friend03/13/2019 *shakes head*

LestIForget03/13/2019 Addicts always find a way lol

Best Friend03/13/2019 I agree.  you just want dignity. and leaving in an undignified way betrays a core principle.

LestIForget03/13/2019 Yeah. Would be nice if I could get all my things and just poof. As it is, I'll have to leave a lot of my possessions here in boxes. Might see if my oath-brother is willing to keep them. I don't trust my family to actually leave them alone.

Best Friend03/13/2019 your distrust is well-founded

LestIForget03/13/2019 And tbh, in this area, shelters are already crowded. And wifi isn't guaranteed. I need to be able to work on my art so I don't vanish from DA and FA.

Best Friend03/13/2019 that's fair.  please convince me you're safe for the night, though else I will pay for a hotel/motel room for you.

LestIForget03/13/2019 I'm fairly safe in my room, and I can get food or drinks at night once everyone else is asleep. During the day, a lot of people are either at work or school, so I have a decent space of morning to sneak about. Joel frequents the kitchen, but he does have to sleep at night, and I can hear where everyone is while I'm in my room, because it's smack-dab in the middle of the house. So I'll know when he leaves the kitchen, and I've been sneaking around the house since I was about seven.

Best Friend03/13/2019 this is very faint convincing.

LestIForget03/13/2019 So don't worry. I know how to avoid everyone and still live semi-comfortably.

Best Friend03/13/2019 And I choose to worry, and will remain worried for 13 days.

LestIForget03/13/2019 And if all else fails, I can call up somebody on the phone or on Discord and have somebody witnessing. I put them on speaker, and nobody moves a fucking muscle unless they're very, very stupid.

[theinternetinterviewed]

Crazy Mike, A Love Sprinkler Who Lives In His Vhouse [Van/House]

Interviewing Crazy Mike is like watching an episode of Planet Earth — — the one about birds in New Guinea who have no predators and spend all their time singing, dressing up, and building color-coordinated homes. Most of Planet Earth is about animals that have survival claws and competition brains so to see an animal that has zero of those concerns…it’s amazing what they do with their time.

If you don’t know Crazy Mike: he is a vlogger, lives in a van and travels around America, and is an ex-stuntman. Crazy Mike was doing a stunt on the set of the movie Ghost Rider 2 where he was supposed to drive a motorcycle up a ramp and into a lake but instead flew over and broke many bones. Before reading this interview, watch his video BULLSH*T and the rest of who Crazy Mike is will be made clear.

A: Oh my God. Is this Crazy Mike?

M: This is Mr. Crazy Mike.

A: Holy motherfucking God. How are you doing?

M: I was trying to FaceTime you. I guess you don’t have a FaceTime option?

A: No. I only have an Android. Is FaceTime on there? I don’t use it too much.

M: Sorry to hear that. iPhones are better.

A: They are. I’ve just had an Android since high school and haven’t switched off.

M: That’s the same thing I say about the iPhone. I just don’t want to switch.

A: Real talk.

M: *laughs* Let’s have a real talk. What is this about? Can you give me a rundown?

A: I like interviewing people. I’m an interview junkie. I love reading interviews. I stumbled on your YouTube channel a month ago, binge watched everything, and think you’re a dope motherfucker. M: Thank you, man. I noticed you’re from New Jersey, dude. I grew up there.

A: Hell yea.

M: I have…I had a 732 area code and everything. 732 is my whole town.

A: I’m from Middlesex County.

M: My family lives in Monmouth County.

A: I was looking at some of your old clips and I didn’t recognize any of the spots but I recognized the trees.

M: Those are some Jersey trees. Thanks for reaching out.

A: It’s a pleasure. I just wanted to give you fifty bucks but then I figured, “Hey, I’ll interview him too so there’s a little activity.”

M: Yeah. I like to actually do things for money. I don’t like to just get money. I used to. People would be like, “Let me send you 20 bucks.” I’m like, “Yo, let me make you a piece of jewelry or something.” I want to always do something. I’m about that life. SLAWAA all the way. [Sprinkle Love And Work Across America.]

A: My first question for you, well, it’s actually a statement and question, is: You are an excellent filmmaker. And in your lifetime you’ve edited many different videos. If all of those videos were played one after the other, how long would the film be?

M: Are you trying to watch it?

A: *laughs* I’m curious. If you calculated everything, would it be 10 hours? 30 hours?

M: I would say more like 10 years. I have a lot man. I’ve been doing this since I was right out of school with the VCRs back in the day probably before you were born. How old are you?

A: I’m 26.

M: Oh, you remember VCRs. You remember the Myspace days. I started around that era and have been doing it since. I pop out an edit a week so I’m going to say, realistically, you’d have to sit down for 3 years non-stop. You’d have to pee and shit and eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner while watching my work.

A: *Laughs* What got you into shooting your own videos? How old were you?

M: I stole my Dad’s video camera and played around with it with my friends. I was in third grade at the time, 9 years old. At this auction, I got a VHS tape called Crusty Demons of Dirt which is like dirt bikes, action-packed, ya know, dirt bike tricks and it’s an hour of that and it inspired the fuck out of me. When I watched it, I was like, “Damn. I want to make that.” A year later, I started filming random shit and then four years later I started getting featured in that Crusty Demon series. From there, I took off.

A: Do you remember your first editing software? Windows Movie Maker?

M: Well it was VCRs so putting two VCRs together was my editing software. I would film on a tape and connect it to another VCR and hit play and record and play and record, back and forth, to make a tape that I sold in high school. I was a freshman selling my VHS tapes called Dead Troopers.

A: It was stunts and skits?

M: Yea. A mix between Jackass and Girls Gone Wild and the X Games.

A: I don’t think most people realize how much fun editing is. Would you talk about the fun of editing for a minute?

M: Editing is really fun when you enjoy what you’re editing, the footage, and you enjoy telling a story. It’s really fun. I love it. I absolutely love it. But when someone gives me a bunch of wedding footage and tells me to edit their wedding, it’s not that fun. The whole creation process is when you shoot the footage, it’s your footage, and you get to work with that footage. A lot of the times I have the edit already envisioned in my head when I shoot something. I’m talking about natural transitions. I’ll crank the camera a certain way because I know my next clip will be cranked that way. *pause* It’s like a tattoo artist. If the tattoo artist has a blank canvas to work with they enjoy it a lot more than doing a cover-up of someone’s ugly ass armadillo tattoo on their chest.

A: I hate ugly armadillo tattoos.

M: The guy in Jackass had an ugly armadillo tattoo on his arm. Dave England. That’s why I came up with the ugly armadillo just now.

A: *laughs* Have you ever met the Jackass guys?

M: I probably met about half of them. I never did any work with them. I used to work with Don Vito when we were doing We Play Crazy. Any time we had a big event, Bam’s Uncle came out and he was pretty hot at the time so my whole thing was, “Buy a DVD and get a picture with Don Vito.” All of these kids bought these DVDs and got their photo taken.

A: A couple of YouTube videos ago, you had a call with someone in Bam Margera’s camp about video editing work? Did that pan out?

M: Chad Ginsburg, the singer of CKY reached out to me and told me, “Bam Margera is looking for an editor.” I called and never got a phone call back. So, he either got a new editor or hit the booze.

A: That son of a gun.

M: *laughs*

A: Are there days where you shut the camera off and think, “Yes! I caught gold today.” Do you get that feeling?

M: Totally. All the time. Sometimes I shut the camera off and I don’t know that I have gold until later on. I do this new thing called “unknowingly knowing” where I have the camera on and don’t know it’s recording. I capture great shit off of it. Real moments, man. Anytime you shove a camera in someone’s face — most of the time they’re not really themselves because they know they’re being filmed. But when they don’t know it’s beautiful. I find it more beautiful that way.

A: The truth of the moment. Can you give me an example of something you caught on film but only realized later on?

M: I’ve been keeping my camera on my dashboard so when people come up… for instance, I had a cop yesterday knock on my window and wake me up. I call it “unknowingly knowing.” I know I put [the camera] there and hit record but after a while I forget it’s there. I don’t sit and pay it attention. I’m paying attention to, “Oh. I have a cop in my face. Let me keep my focus on him.” The camera just rolls. Those are the moments where I capture the truth of the moment.

A: Can you tell me the psychological difference between when someone is acting differently on camera and what’s happening when they’re relaxing?

M: The difference is flexing. You got someone with a camera and it’s like, “Yeah I’m going to flex for YouTube. AHH YEAA LETS GET CRAZY.” And then when I put the camera down, they’ll be like, “This is a nice day.” And then whatever happens happens without a flex to it. Which are still beautiful moments. But a lot of people don’t realize [they’re flexing]. I’m even speaking of myself. The only reason I know so much about this is because I speak in terms of my experience. I know how to emphasize the moment. When I see a camera it’s like, camera up — Hollywood time, “BAM. YO, WHATSUP. THIS IS CRAZY MIKE, BABY, ARE YOU READY FOR THE NEW VIDEO? YOOOO.”

A: *laughs*

M: Crazy Mike is always overemphasizing the real Mike. My Crazy Mike way of introducing myself is, “YOOO. It’s Crazy Mike.” My Mike way of introducing myself is, “Hey. How you doing? My name is Mike. Nice to meet you.”

A: It’s interesting that some people don’t realize they’re acting different. They’re unconsciously doing it.

M: There’s also that category of people who, when you put a camera in front of their face, they go completely still. They’re like, “Oh, what’s up.” [boring voice]. It goes both ways.

A: How funny is it when you’re watching your footage and you see the exact moment when a person looks directly at the camera and realizes it’s there?

M: Those are hilarious. I got this old guy [working in a toll booth] that I was chatting with and he’s being cool with me and telling me, “Oh yeah, if you don’t have a real license plate on there then just don’t pay the tolls.” I’m filming him talking the whole time. He even said something like, “you could get me in trouble…” so when he realized the camera was there all of a sudden the conversation stopped. I knew in the moment, “Damn he must have just seen the camera.” Sure enough, I was looking back at that footage and it’s clear as day. He stopped talking to me and put his head down and covered his name tag. He did some, “Yo, yo, you got me. I just said you can go through tolls. Shit. I’m going to lose my job.”

A: Tell me about your toll road jokes. Where did they start?

M: My toll road jokes? Well, they’re not really jokes. It’s far from funny actually. Tolls, I hate tolls so much. I’ve driven through so many. They’re ridiculous. The idea of it, the fact that you have to stop and pay dollars — it’s like $25 to get into New York City. Random roads in Pennsylvania are $20. If I’m paying to drive on the road… it sounds crazy. I’ll pay for registration, for insurance but why do I have to pay to drive on the road? Whoever created that idea, “Let’s charge people to drive on the road,” I think is completely fucked in the head. I’m super against it. I don’t complain about it too much anymore because I realized this thing on Google Maps that avoids tolls so I’m the guy who will drive three hours out of the way to avoid paying the toll. But the good thing is, I’d always be nice to the people at the toll booth. It was never their fault. My thing was, I would give them the money and act like, “What? I pay you money, huh?” I’d act surprised. I knew I had to but I acted surprised. But I’m telling the truth when I’m acting, like, “What the fuck? That’s crazy.” I give them the money, tell them have a nice day, and then say, “Fuck the government,” right after it. Most of the time, 7 out of 10 people will laugh with me or say, “Fuck the government too. It sucks.”

A: We talked earlier about how I live in Jersey. You live in Jersey. That is one similarity. I smoke weed. You smoke weed. That’s another similarity. But there’s a big difference I’m curious about. You have a medical marijuana card, which is gold in New Jersey. How did you get that?

M: I just went to the doctor. Everybody has an issue. It can be something small like appetite, or depression, anxiety — whatever you want to say. Just go to the doctor and give the doctor money and the doctor is guaranteed to write you a script for medical marijuana. You get two ounces per month in New Jersey.

A: Do you have to go to a funny doctor?

M: You have to go to a doctor who does medical marijuana. There’s a list of doctors on this website…NJ… New Jersey Medical Marijuana program…so NJMMP, I think it’s called. It’s a list of all New Jersey doctors that have access to the medical marijuana industry. You can’t go to a random physician and say, “I’m seeking that.” You have to go to a marijuana doctor. Tell them what [issue] you have and say that friends have suggested… “I was wondering… if it would be a good idea….” You can even say it helps you out to simplify what you’re trying to do… “Yeah, when I smoke it helps my social anxiety…I’m just saying.” A doctor will write you a script within an hour.

A: Share your thoughts on weed, your general thoughts on how awesome it is.

M: It cures the soul. It’s a blessing. It helps everything. Can you abuse it? Yes. You can also abuse water. I don’t think you need to smoke as much as some people do. I’ve been there before where I smoke and smoke and smoke and smoke and I didn’t find it enjoyable. I found my enjoyment by taking breaks. When I come back to it, it makes me appreciate it more. Now I don’t travel with it. I usually only have a gram at a time so I can eat it if I get pulled over because some States arrest you for it. Most of the time when I smoke is when I do these house calls all over the country. Whoever is there or happens to have weed, I’ll smoke with them. Which is not everyday. I’ll go three days without visiting anyone. I’ll go three days living in the woods or in a truck stop where I don’t know anybody. But on that fourth day, when I do smoke, I appreciate it so much more. It opens me up like, “Wow.”

A: “I only carry as much as I can eat.” That’s hilarious and makes so much sense.

M: After spending six months in jail, I had to change it up.

A: How did that time change your philosophy? Did you get a new perspective on things in jail?

M: Totally. I have a folder full of writing I did in jail. Jail, I look back on and think, man, maybe I needed to be there — complete solitude, no technology. When you’re by yourself for that long you learn about yourself. You have no outside distractions. Not that I wanted to do that but I was forced to do it and I took it the best way I could. I wrote a whole bunch of stuff, whatever idea I was having, whatever happened to me that day. I have hundreds of pieces of paper. My plan was when I did finally get out I would turn it into visual stories. And I did it already with some. It’s kind of how Trippy Talks came about, when I just talk. I do a voiceover. I write whatever I want to talk about and I do a voiceover and mix it with clips. That whole style of editing came from jail because when I was in jail, all I did was write. I wrote before but never as much as I did in jail. I have all these writings and I was like, “Damn. These are pretty beautiful and I want to share my thoughts. What is the best way to do it?” For me, it’s making them into visual stories.

A: In your Quarterly Report you gave a Trippy Talk and in your Risk of Living video and also in your My (kinda) Serious job Application. How important is it for a person to have a philosophy?

M: Philosophy is your beliefs in something. I think it’s important and yet it’s not important. You don’t have to believe anything. You can just be. I don’t think it’s necessary to have a philosophy on something. Having a philosophy though brings enjoyment out of life by the way you think, so, my way of thinking has brought me enjoyment in my life. I make videos the way I make videos, to share that, to hopefully get other people to get enjoyment the way I get enjoyment. But is it necessary to have a philosophy? Absolutely not. You don’t have to believe anything. That’s the truth of the matter.

A: Word, word.

M: But you have to believe you’re going to die one day because it’s true.

A: Why is that a necessary belief? Of all the beliefs possible?

M: That’s one thing everybody has in common — me, you, and the rest of this world. Our mothers, brothers, fathers, sisters, friends, and dogs…we all go away one day. We’re born and we die. As far as what happens in the middle, you can believe whatever you want. The beautiful thing about it is we have a choice. We can choose to focus on whatever we want to focus on and it determines a human being — their way of thinking. If I sat and watched the news all day and focused on the war and Donald Trump…fuck, my life would suck. It would be full of politics, bullshit. But if I focus on the arts of life, the creativeness of life, then life becomes creative. My life becomes what I want it to. You choose who you follow on Instagram. If you follow a girl who talks negative all the time, that’s what you’re going to see on your Instagram every time it pops up. “Oh life sucks. When is it going to end?” Every day that’s going to be on your news feed. You make the choice, which is a beautiful thing. You choose what you believe.

A: There are messages that you often put on your videos, for example, free thinking is welcome — can you tell me more about those messages?

M: Free thinking is welcome is… I welcome hate, positive comments, whatever you think, hey, say it. It’s cool. I don’t delete comments. I let them be. I guess I used to think I could control that but at the end of the day I’m controlling someone’s thinking and I don’t want to do that. I make what I make, maybe, to alter their thinking. But I allow them to say whatever they want to say. It’s a free country. Well, almost free. We have freedom of speech. We can say whatever we feel. Sometimes it might get us in trouble, sometimes in might not, but I promote that. Everything I say, not everyone is going to agree with it and I’m well aware of that. Especially when I talk about things like the military, religion — topics people are uptight about. There is going to be a lot of disagreement. So, I say share your thoughts. Why do you think a certain way? I don’t really appreciate the comment…*adjusts* I don’t respect the comments where it’s like, “You’re an idiot.” Tell me why I’m an idiot. Tell me why you think the way you think or why you think I’m wrong but tell me why. I encourage that. If you hit me with a legitimate response, okay, maybe I have something to think over now. Maybe I just learned something.

A: Speaking of the people who do agree with you, your community, how dope is it to have that many people around the country who will hook you up with a bed or a meal?

M: It’s pretty cool. I am blessed. It’s funny because sometimes I…I like my days off when I don’t really see anybody. My days off are when I’m chilling in nature by myself. I like to be alone. I’m never lonely. But I’m alone a lot. There is a difference. I like the parties and I like the friends and the social interactions, sure, but I also love my alone time. There have been so many times where I have to say, “Yeah, I’ll be in town…” Or maybe I won’t even post my location and I won’t see anybody by choice. But going back to your question, the fact that I have a support system up in here is a beautiful thing. I don’t think I’ll ever go hungry. I just have to post on Snapchat where I’m at. Every city I’m in, so far, there has been someone who says, “Yo, come over, hang out.” My house calls are usually a shower, a bed, and I’m taken care of. A lot of the time they’re like, “I don’t want you to leave. Stay around for weeks.” I’m a love sprinkler. I sprinkle a little bit.

A: If given the chance, would you write a book?

M: Totally. I love writing.

A: Not only a life story book but the way you perceive things, your feelings about things.

M: 100%. I would. My writing is…I kind of already do that but I don’t write words on paper. I write into a visual story.

A: You need a speech-to-text app. It’ll turn what you say automatically into words.

M: I do that with my phone if I’m driving and I have a thought. I’ll punch in my microphone and talk. Later I’ll go back and … what is that word called? Edit *laughs* What do you call it? Edit that shit!

A: *laughs* You’re an editor aren’t you?

M: Edit that shit! Like a finalized edit…proofread that was the word I was thinking of. Yeah I love it, man. I love books.

A: When is Hella Crazy 5 coming out?

M: Ahh…man..you know… I don’t think I’m going to bring it back. There has been…life is full of change. There’s been a change. First of all, DVDs aren’t anything anymore. Seeing a DVD is kind of like, “What the fuck is that?” Kids these days would be like, “If that’s not on my cell phone, I don’t want that.” I still love stunts. I’ll forever love stunts. I do them when I have the chance. But to make a whole project about it just isn’t my style. I’m now more into… I like the vlogging life. I like bits. I still always have the love for it but its not what I promote 100% anymore.

A: If your vhouse [house/van] life ends, would you ever make a full length documentary? Or do you strictly see your adventure as 10 minute long videos?

M: Maybe a 20 minute piece. I have so much footage from my YouTube that I can collect and collect and put it together to make something beautiful. Again, I just go off feelings. I don’t plan to make projects. I don’t know what videos I’m doing the next day. It just happens. All of my Trippy Talks are just feelings I have at that time. I don’t force myself to write or make a video. I don’t have trouble with it, like, “What sort of topic should I focus on now?” It just comes to me. It bursts out of me in a natural way. BAM. I go with the day. I won’t plan for that but, will it happen? Judging off of past experiences, yeah, when I end a big trip for a tour, I’ll make a compilation. My quarterly reports are kind of like that. My Snapchat Adventure I did on Snapchat, I traveled for a hundred days, that was planned. After a hundred days, I would stop traveling. I had all this footage and I was going to make a movie. I’ve done it before. Will it happen again? I don’t know. We will see how that cookie crumbles.

A: Where did you get love sprinkling from? Where did you get the idea?

M: Just me, man. I was trying to figure out what I do. I was a love sprinkler. I sprinkle love everywhere. Not physically with glitter. The glitter came later. I thought, “Man, I’m a love sprinkler.” I’m going everywhere like, “Yo, I just want to spread love and good vibes to everybody.” I make people happy just by chilling so I called it love sprinkling. Then I was in Walmart one day and saw glitter and was like, “That would be cool if I could actually love sprinkle people.” I took the glitter and started sprinkling it on people’s heads and they became so happy from it so I stuck with her. I’m still doing it three years later.

A: How many people in total have you love sprinkled?

M: I do about five a day. So, so many, thousands…thousands…

A: Tell me some things about Jersey, about being born and growing up here.

M: Well, you live there. You can answer that question.

A:I know but I want to hear your answer, if you have any vibes to share.

M: I love New Jersey but I love everywhere I go. I make the best of it. I didn’t like it after a while. I was always like, “Man, I just want to get out of here.” I wanted to get out of living with my family because I don’t like living anywhere for long periods of time which is what I learned about myself. The best thing about traveling is brain stimulation. *pause* I didn’t like [New Jersey] but then again I didn’t have any true reason not to like it. That was just me wanting to move around. That’s what it came down to. But I think it’s pretty cool, man. I have no regrets. Well, my only regret is that I probably would have dropped out of high school sooner. Or dropped out of High School period. I never even dropped out. I actually graduated. But it served no purpose to my life. So I’d probably bring that back and drop out of High School but as far as where I lived — I think it was pretty awesome. I lived five minutes away from Six Flags Great Adventure. Kind of cool. I grew up in the township called Millstone Township. It’s right by Six Flags. It was cool, man. It was cool growing up. We had a lot of farms to fuck around on. We didn’t have Township police. We got away with a lot of the shit we did. It’s definitely a cool State, bro. I got a tattoo of it on my back. I’ve got a heart with everything I love.

A: Sometimes when people ask you where your from, you’ll say something funny like from my mom’s vagina. Why is that?

M: Because it’s a question I get asked all the time. Sometimes I just have to say something stupid because after saying the same thing over and over again it gets tiring. Like anything, I switch it up and catch people off guard that way.

A: You listen to Alan Watts. Can you tell me about him?

M: Oh, I’m on 27%. I can get off the charger now. I was sitting by my charger the whole time. My phone was on 2% when I called you.

A: Bro. Damn.

M: But now I’m good. I’m going to open the door around here. It’s hot as a mother fucker.

A:Where are you right now?

M: I’m in a truck stop headed towards Bakersfield, California. Yea, Alan Watts is a… he’s helped me so much. I listen to his lectures. Alan Watts has a stylistic way of speaking and getting down to the truth. He’s one of my inspirations and he’s shaped the way I think. If I could put him, Terence McKenna, Joe Rogan — if I could put the three of these guys in a blender… WHIRRRRRRR… out would pop a Crazy-Mike-thinking smoothie.

A: *laughs*

M: And damn it tastes good!

A: For the readers of this interview who don’t know who Alan Watts is, can you give a summary?

M: He’s a philosopher who is about the right now in life. He speaks a lot about religion, a lot of his lectures are complex to the point where I don’t even really know what the fuck he’s talking about a lot of the time. Especially when he goes into his religion. Some topics are more blunt than others. He has a really cool voice, a chill voice so a lot of times I would just listen to him at night before I go to sleep. His voice alone would be warming to my heart. And to my mind.

A: Between the We Play Crazy days and now, when did you discover Allan Watts?

M: I discovered him when I first bought this van that I’m living in right now and I started doing van life on my Snapchat adventures. I had all this time to be on the road and listen to music and observe other people’s creations. I get a lot of snapbacks and somebody was like, “Yo, man you should listen to this Alan Watts guy.” I guess I was already doing things [Alan Watts] was talking about so somebody thought I would like him and I fucking loved him. I played him and went, “Wow. This guy is fucking smart. He knows what’s up.” Then I started listening to him lecture after lecture. I’ve heard them all. I’ve read a couple of his books. I’m still a big fan. Just yesterday I was playing his shit.

A: My final stuff is: Can you give three tips to anyone contemplating van life? Three things they should know.

M: Be okay with small spaces. Be okay with parking in public lots. And you might get kicked out. You have to be okay with that. The third thing is: enjoy the ride. Enjoy the fuckin’ ride, dog, cause, let me tell you, it is free.

A: During your bicycle trip through Vietnam, you learned a lot about social skills through body language because you didn’t speak a common language. I found that fascinating. Can you give some remarks about social skills?

M: Social skills are built off experience. Some of the fucking best social skills out there I’ve noticed are from homeless people on a street asking for money. They have so much interaction throughout the day with people. So you learn how to talk to people. That’s all practice. I think our world is afraid to talk to people that they don’t know. They shy away. But every person you back away from is another person you lost. I think I have excellent social skills now. I talk to fifty people a day.

A: My final question is, how can I get my hands on Hella Crazy 3 and Hella Crazy 4 and, more importantly, Crazy Mike Is Dead?

M: Crazy Mike Is Dead… what I’ll do is I’ll send you a link after we hang up, a private link. Hella Crazy 3 and 4, I don’t know. They’re kind of lost in the market. My brother might have some. They might even be online. I wouldn’t be able to get you that.

A: I’ll keep searching.

M: Maybe *pause* Oh, no. I was going to say you can get 1 and 2 on Amazon. I have a distribution deal.

A: Yeah. They just came in the mail. I just got them.

M: Oh nice! Yeah it’s crazy. I don’t even get paid from that anymore. *laughs*

A: Son of a gun.

M: I’ll send you Crazy Mike Is Dead. It’s pretty cool. It’s powerful. It was the first film where I completely opened up on and I was crying and shit. But, yeah, Hella Crazy 3 and 4, I’ll have to say keep hunting because your hunt is my hunt.

A: Thank you for this interview, Crazy Mike. This was a nice time.

M: You’re very welcome, kind sir.

A: I’ll send you a link to this when I write it all up.

M: Cool, man.

A: Have a good day.

M: God bless your soul.

God bless you too, Mike. God bless your bliss. I support your movement of one and appreciate you leading by example for those of us who watch. Do continue telling visual stories. I wonder how we, those who don’t live on the road and have to pay rent, can benefit from your philosophy. We can at least be entertained by your videos. We can learn your openness towards people, your willingness to let surprises happen. I know, actually. Those Mike-thinking smoothies, we can try those. If you blended a batch, they would be best-sellers in the merch store. Do you think you could set that up? I’d like mine with love sprinkles.

Interview conducted 5-2-19.

[adambstingus]

5 Bizarre Ways Everyone Gets World War II Wrong

What with all the propaganda, prejudice, and humanity’s tendency to reduce the complexities of history to Michael Bay films, World War II remains one of the most misunderstood wars ever fought. If you’re a history buff, a war nut, or a really old dude with a hell of a life story, you might already know some of the following things. But if you’re like us and got most of your World War II knowledge from fighting Hitler in a robot suit, you might think that …

#5. Hitler Was In Undisputed Control Of The German Military

The Myth:

Hitler wasn’t the military genius pop culture usually portrays him as, but at least the guy commanded some loyalty. Dude was the Fuhrer, after all, and we know he was a captivating leader — we’ve seen those videos of him delivering terrifying, passionate speeches to the tune of riotous cheers.

But Actually:

Shockingly enough, being cuffed in the ears by Nazis every time they stepped out of line wasn’t openly embraced by 100 percent of the population. The German Navy, the Kriegsmarine, was fiercely loyal to the state, but harbored a deep-seated distrust of politicians and their shenanigans. Erich Raeder, the Grand Admiral for the first half of the war, actively resisted any and all attempts to Nazify the Navy, and gained some notoriety for his up-to-two-hour shouting matches with Hitler. After Raeder’s inevitable resignation in 1943, his more Reich-minded successor allowed the Nazi mentality to seep in, but even he continued to keep the Party at an arm’s length.

This month’s featured story: “27 Secret Codes For Telling The Fuhrer To Suck It (To His Face).”

The Navy even had a rule that people who joined had to leave the Nazi Party before taking part in any missions, but that didn’t mean the Kriegsmarine were passive-aggressively condemning the evils of Nazism. They were mostly just too Christian and conservative to buy into this new-wave Nazi stuff. Still, the Navy was an apt breeding ground for dissenters like Admiral Canaris, who collaborated with generals on the Eastern Front to use a wine bottle to blow Hitler up in 1943.

Which resulted in him being stripped nude and lynched, with his body left up to rot and bloat. Um … YOLO?

Speaking of the Eastern Front: Invading the Soviet Union didn’t go well for the Germans, and the troops’ opinion of their supreme commander was directly proportional to the depth of the frozen shit creek they found themselves in. Starting in 1942, the Wehrmacht began taking in Soviet citizens to bolster their ranks, and when Hitler told them to stop recruiting racially inferior people into his army, the officers politely told him to screw off. By the end of 1942, 700,000 of the three million soldiers in the Axis army were Soviets. Additionally, a type of German machine gun called the Sturmgewehre proved invaluable on the Eastern Front … after it was developed against Hitler’s orders.

He presumably wanted only pure German weaponry, like schnitzel cannons and bratwurst bombs.

Basically, disobeying Hitler was the main reason the Nazis didn’t lose the Eastern Front so quickly that the D-Day troops would have landed in the middle of a Normandy-wide vodka-and-borscht beach party.

#4. Nazi War Prisoners Got What They Deserved

The Myth:

Being a Nazi POW must have been rough. How could it not have been? Look at what they did to the people they put in prison camps. How do you say “karma” in German, motherfuckers?

Oh, it’s still just “karma”? Well … shut up. Jerks.

But Actually:

Tons of Nazi war prisoners got away virtually scot-free … and we helped them. America took in over 400,000 German prisoners, and an estimated percentage of who-the-hell-knows were unrepentant Nazis. The U.S. had relatively little experience dealing with POWs, and the sudden influx of up to 30,000 of them per week required quick thinking. So they rounded them up, took them to a bunch of prison camps, and … treated them super fine. They were fed well, and even given wine and beer with their meals, because it’s always a great idea to give alcohol to hundreds of thousands of enemy soldiers on your soil when your own army is on another continent.

Light beer didn’t exist back then, so they couldn’t even torture the POWs with that.

The prisoners even got pretty well along with the locals, after (we assume) the obligatory wacky misunderstandings. Sure, there was some forced labor, but even that was strictly governed by the Geneva Convention accords, paid, and mostly the kind of manual labor (farm work, etc.) they were used to anyway. The most common stated grievance was boredom. As such, escape attempts remained minimal, and some prisoners stated that their life in a POW camp was way better than it had been back in the German military.

After the prisoners were returned to their war-ravaged homeland by 1946, some of them kept in contact with the American friends they had made, and many eventually returned to the U.S. Ironically, these positive U.S./German relations (along with the CIA) enabled thousands of registered Nazis to eventually settle in America and gain citizenship.

Like your regular neighbors, but even more likely to ignore property lines.

But the U.S. didn’t get blitzed or anything, so it makes sense that they’d go easier on the Nazis than the more involved nations, like the Soviets. You’d think that, and you’d be wrong. In 1943, Stalin gave orders that the treatment of all Axis prisoners, including Germans, be improved. As a result, Axis POWs had it better than Soviet civilians while in captivity. It’s a wonder surrendering didn’t become the hottest fad in the Third Reich years earlier.

#3. World War II Was A … Well, A Big, Worldwide War

The Myth:

World War II began when the Nazis invaded Poland and ended when the United States nuked Japan. Sure, it may not have become Hollywood World War II until the Japanese attacked Pearl Harbor in ’41, but the point is that if the Second World War were a tombstone, it would read “1939-1945,” and its cause of death would read “America.”

But Actually:

What we handily label a giant, globe-spanning “World War II” was in fact a whole bunch of different conflicts, occasionally fought completely independently of each other over the course of more than a decade. Attempts to pin down a specific starting date is a matter of dispute among scholars. Oh, the German invasion of Poland in 1939 is a narratively convenient way to kick-start the story with the European main villain’s first major power play, but that was still a local thing between two countries. You could arguably have a stronger case that the war became truly global in 1941, thanks to Pearl Harbor and Hitler’s invasion of Russia. Or you could take things back a bit and note that there were way, way worse things going on globally well before the Nazis curb-stomped the Polish. The equally conquer-happy Japan had already been locked in the Second Sino-Japanese War with China since the summer of 1937, killing more than 20 million Chinese (almost all of whom were civilians) over the course of eight years. Who’s to say that shit doesn’t count? Not even the Soviet Union suffered that many civilian casualties.

When the war is so devastating that the soldiers have to dress like its the end of the world, then it’s part of the fucking world war.

Speaking of 1937, that was the same year Italy joined the Anti-Comintern Pact between Germany and Japan, effectively forming the Axis powers. At that point, Italy had already been in full-scale war with Ethiopia for nearly a year — their second war of the decade — and Russia and Japan had been waist-deep in a series of serious border clashes since 1932.

“Ending one war and starting another” was a nice change of pace from Italy’s usual “Ending one government and starting another.”

In short, what the Western world labels “World War II” is more of an era in history, rather than a singular conflict. If we view it as such, then the war was already underway, complete with armies, navies, and war crimes, for nearly two years before Hitler even managed to anger-mustache his way into a chancellorship.

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/5-bizarre-ways-everyone-gets-world-war-ii-wrong/ from All of Beer https://allofbeercom.tumblr.com/post/177708987387

[allofbeercom]

5 Bizarre Ways Everyone Gets World War II Wrong

What with all the propaganda, prejudice, and humanity’s tendency to reduce the complexities of history to Michael Bay films, World War II remains one of the most misunderstood wars ever fought. If you’re a history buff, a war nut, or a really old dude with a hell of a life story, you might already know some of the following things. But if you’re like us and got most of your World War II knowledge from fighting Hitler in a robot suit, you might think that …

#5. Hitler Was In Undisputed Control Of The German Military

The Myth:

Hitler wasn’t the military genius pop culture usually portrays him as, but at least the guy commanded some loyalty. Dude was the Fuhrer, after all, and we know he was a captivating leader — we’ve seen those videos of him delivering terrifying, passionate speeches to the tune of riotous cheers.

But Actually:

Shockingly enough, being cuffed in the ears by Nazis every time they stepped out of line wasn’t openly embraced by 100 percent of the population. The German Navy, the Kriegsmarine, was fiercely loyal to the state, but harbored a deep-seated distrust of politicians and their shenanigans. Erich Raeder, the Grand Admiral for the first half of the war, actively resisted any and all attempts to Nazify the Navy, and gained some notoriety for his up-to-two-hour shouting matches with Hitler. After Raeder’s inevitable resignation in 1943, his more Reich-minded successor allowed the Nazi mentality to seep in, but even he continued to keep the Party at an arm’s length.

This month’s featured story: “27 Secret Codes For Telling The Fuhrer To Suck It (To His Face).”

The Navy even had a rule that people who joined had to leave the Nazi Party before taking part in any missions, but that didn’t mean the Kriegsmarine were passive-aggressively condemning the evils of Nazism. They were mostly just too Christian and conservative to buy into this new-wave Nazi stuff. Still, the Navy was an apt breeding ground for dissenters like Admiral Canaris, who collaborated with generals on the Eastern Front to use a wine bottle to blow Hitler up in 1943.

Which resulted in him being stripped nude and lynched, with his body left up to rot and bloat. Um … YOLO?

Speaking of the Eastern Front: Invading the Soviet Union didn’t go well for the Germans, and the troops’ opinion of their supreme commander was directly proportional to the depth of the frozen shit creek they found themselves in. Starting in 1942, the Wehrmacht began taking in Soviet citizens to bolster their ranks, and when Hitler told them to stop recruiting racially inferior people into his army, the officers politely told him to screw off. By the end of 1942, 700,000 of the three million soldiers in the Axis army were Soviets. Additionally, a type of German machine gun called the Sturmgewehre proved invaluable on the Eastern Front … after it was developed against Hitler’s orders.

He presumably wanted only pure German weaponry, like schnitzel cannons and bratwurst bombs.

Basically, disobeying Hitler was the main reason the Nazis didn’t lose the Eastern Front so quickly that the D-Day troops would have landed in the middle of a Normandy-wide vodka-and-borscht beach party.

#4. Nazi War Prisoners Got What They Deserved

The Myth:

Being a Nazi POW must have been rough. How could it not have been? Look at what they did to the people they put in prison camps. How do you say “karma” in German, motherfuckers?

Oh, it’s still just “karma”? Well … shut up. Jerks.

But Actually:

Tons of Nazi war prisoners got away virtually scot-free … and we helped them. America took in over 400,000 German prisoners, and an estimated percentage of who-the-hell-knows were unrepentant Nazis. The U.S. had relatively little experience dealing with POWs, and the sudden influx of up to 30,000 of them per week required quick thinking. So they rounded them up, took them to a bunch of prison camps, and … treated them super fine. They were fed well, and even given wine and beer with their meals, because it’s always a great idea to give alcohol to hundreds of thousands of enemy soldiers on your soil when your own army is on another continent.

Light beer didn’t exist back then, so they couldn’t even torture the POWs with that.

The prisoners even got pretty well along with the locals, after (we assume) the obligatory wacky misunderstandings. Sure, there was some forced labor, but even that was strictly governed by the Geneva Convention accords, paid, and mostly the kind of manual labor (farm work, etc.) they were used to anyway. The most common stated grievance was boredom. As such, escape attempts remained minimal, and some prisoners stated that their life in a POW camp was way better than it had been back in the German military.

After the prisoners were returned to their war-ravaged homeland by 1946, some of them kept in contact with the American friends they had made, and many eventually returned to the U.S. Ironically, these positive U.S./German relations (along with the CIA) enabled thousands of registered Nazis to eventually settle in America and gain citizenship.

Like your regular neighbors, but even more likely to ignore property lines.

But the U.S. didn’t get blitzed or anything, so it makes sense that they’d go easier on the Nazis than the more involved nations, like the Soviets. You’d think that, and you’d be wrong. In 1943, Stalin gave orders that the treatment of all Axis prisoners, including Germans, be improved. As a result, Axis POWs had it better than Soviet civilians while in captivity. It’s a wonder surrendering didn’t become the hottest fad in the Third Reich years earlier.

#3. World War II Was A … Well, A Big, Worldwide War

The Myth:

World War II began when the Nazis invaded Poland and ended when the United States nuked Japan. Sure, it may not have become Hollywood World War II until the Japanese attacked Pearl Harbor in ’41, but the point is that if the Second World War were a tombstone, it would read “1939-1945,” and its cause of death would read “America.”

But Actually:

What we handily label a giant, globe-spanning “World War II” was in fact a whole bunch of different conflicts, occasionally fought completely independently of each other over the course of more than a decade. Attempts to pin down a specific starting date is a matter of dispute among scholars. Oh, the German invasion of Poland in 1939 is a narratively convenient way to kick-start the story with the European main villain’s first major power play, but that was still a local thing between two countries. You could arguably have a stronger case that the war became truly global in 1941, thanks to Pearl Harbor and Hitler’s invasion of Russia. Or you could take things back a bit and note that there were way, way worse things going on globally well before the Nazis curb-stomped the Polish. The equally conquer-happy Japan had already been locked in the Second Sino-Japanese War with China since the summer of 1937, killing more than 20 million Chinese (almost all of whom were civilians) over the course of eight years. Who’s to say that shit doesn’t count? Not even the Soviet Union suffered that many civilian casualties.

When the war is so devastating that the soldiers have to dress like its the end of the world, then it’s part of the fucking world war.

Speaking of 1937, that was the same year Italy joined the Anti-Comintern Pact between Germany and Japan, effectively forming the Axis powers. At that point, Italy had already been in full-scale war with Ethiopia for nearly a year — their second war of the decade — and Russia and Japan had been waist-deep in a series of serious border clashes since 1932.

“Ending one war and starting another” was a nice change of pace from Italy’s usual “Ending one government and starting another.”

In short, what the Western world labels “World War II” is more of an era in history, rather than a singular conflict. If we view it as such, then the war was already underway, complete with armies, navies, and war crimes, for nearly two years before Hitler even managed to anger-mustache his way into a chancellorship.

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/5-bizarre-ways-everyone-gets-world-war-ii-wrong/

[deepfriedaries]

1-85!!!😘😘😘

1. Are looks important in a relationship? I think you need to be attracted to the person, if you're not, then it's gonna be hard for you as a person to really appreciate them2. Are relationships ever worth it?Sometimes, most often yes3. Are you a virgin?Virginity can be defined as a social construct created by men in order to objectify women to a status that made them see pure or more holy in an effort for their fathers to gain higher social status when they married into noble families4. Are you in a relationship?Werkin on it 💙5. Are you in love?Love takes time, and I have lots of it6. Are you single this year?On my tax returns? Yeah. And my mixtape just hit #1 in iTunes, it's called "I can be lonely sometimes"7. Can you commit to one person?Absolutely8. Describe your crushPrecious, funny, v attractive, tall dark and handsome.9. Describe your perfect mateI ain't out here to make kids, none of this mating bullshit10. Do you believe in love at first sight?I have not experienced it, and I really haven't heard a lot of real people experience it11. Do you ever want to get married?I mean maybe, but like, I could just live with someone until I die and consider that better than marriage12. Do you forgive betrayal?I mean it spends on what happened; did you say you'd leave me a lint of cookie dough ice cream and then eat it anyways? Or did you say you'd keep me safe and then sell me to a rich noble in exchange for a horse? All depends on the situation. 13. Do you get jealous easily?I can get a little, yes. And I'm working on it. 14. Do you have a crush on anyone?Oh hell Yeah 15. Do you have any piercings?Yeah16. Do you have any tattoos?Yeah17. Do you like kissing in public?Not excessively, and as a cynical person, not usually-but hey man, if the moments here carpe fucking diem 20. Do you shower every day?I don't need to and I have straight, thin, white people hair that falls out if I do too much-every other day roughly21. Do you think someone has feelings for you?God I hope so22. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?I mean maybe but food is pretty important to me so I don't blame them if they're not rn23. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat?Fuck you if you're an asshole that pulls that kinda bullshit-don't commit if you're just out there to "play the game" I'm here to last motherfucker 24. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years?I plan on disappointing my parents, so probably not, but that's a long ways from now25. Do you want to be in a relationship this year?I'm good for whatever this is, and whatever it becomes 💙26. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you?Yes27. Has someone ever written a song or poem for you?Probably28. Have you ever been cheated on?Nope29. Have you ever cheated on someone?Fuck nope 30. Have you ever considered plastic surgery? If so, what would you change about your body?Nope. 31. Have you ever cried over a guy/girl?Yeah32. Have you ever experienced unrequited love?Too often33. Have you ever had sex with a man?Social construct dictates penetration and do you really wanna get into that with me, no34. Have you ever had sex with a woman?Social construct dictates lesbian porn and do you really wanna go there bud35. Have you ever kissed someone older than you?No36. Have you ever liked one of your best friends?Yup37. Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated?Hahahahaha nope38. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to?Yes39. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have?Yes40. Have you ever written a song or poem for someone?Too often41. Have you had sex so far this year?Ummmm?42. How long can you just kiss until your hands start to wander?What is this an audition for a sex tape Jesus Christ kids CONSENT43. How long was your longest relationship?Like 28 hours44. How many boyfriends/girlfriends have you had?145. How many people did you kiss in 2011?046. How many times did you have sex last year?Dude. Seriously.47. How old are you?1948. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say?I'm not an asshole, you like who you like, and if that changes and it's suddenly not me, I would definitely rather you tell me than lead me on49. If you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, what is your favorite thing about him/her?Their EYES and their HANDS 50. If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept?Nope. I'm a different person now.51. Is there a boy/girl who you would do absolutely everything for?Myself comes first, and I won't offer to die for you; this may be a side effect of not having had a long term relationship52. Is there anyone you’ve given up on? Why?Oh of course, I changed, they changed, I learned that they weren't someone I should be with, my friends became concerned I shouldn't be with them53. Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are?Hah nah54. Is there someone you will never forget?Sure, Michelle Obama55. Share a relationship story.I asked her out. My parents found out. They threatened to take away my car and my phone. I had to call her before work, bawling, and tell her I wasn't allowed to speak to her again. It had been like 25 hours.56. State 8 facts about your bodyI'm not very tallI like my legsI like my armsI have green eyesI have my mother's hairMy dad's noseI'm right handedAnd I have boobs57. Things you want to say to an exPass58. What are five ways to win your heart?Eye contactStar Trek/Star WarsDon't make fun of me unless it's in good humorRespectLoyaltyMaturity (Oops that's six!)59. What do you look like? (Post a picture!)Hah mobile app, check out my bomb ass selfie60. What is the biggest age difference between you and any of your partners?Hmmmm61. What is the first thing you notice in someone?Their eyes62. What is the sexiest thing someone could ever do for/to you?Pay my tuition63. What is your definition of “having sex”?Jesus Christ, if you think you're doing it chances are you're probably doing it64. What is your definition of cheating?Bad65. What is your favourite foreplay routine?Burning popcorn 66. What is your favourite roleplay?Well I love a good musical, how about shrek?67. What is your idea of the perfect date?Nobody's perfect honey, just go have a good time68. What is your sexual orientation?Bisexual69. What turns you off?Disrespect, not respecting my personal boundaries70. What turns you on?Touch when consented 71. What was your kinkiest wet dream?I was in a Roman community bath in ancient Italy with a bunch of old wrinkly guys72. What words do you like to hear during sex?Dad puns 73. What’s something sweet you’d like someone to do for you?Just be real with me74. What’s the most superficial characteristic you look for?I like good clean teeth75. What’s the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for you?Told me I was a strong independent woman76. What’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever done for someone?Opened a door77. What’s your opinion on age differences in relationships?Don't be a pedophile, and mind your own business78. What’s your dirtiest secret?I fell off a makeshift bridge into a very shallow creek, my shoes were ruined 79. When was the last time you felt jealous? Why?I didn't know if we were a thing and I misread a situation. It was all on me 80. When was the last time you told someone you loved them?Never81. Who are five people you find attractive?Samira Wiley, Emma Watson, Lupita Nyongo, Todrick Hall, Zach L.82. Who is the last person you hugged?Ummm I think someone I work with probably 83. Who was your first kiss with?A dude84. Why did your last relationship fail?Parents 85. Would you ever date someone off of the Internet?☺️😘💙 absolutely