#Bruce Wayne is the Gomez Addams of Gotham
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I always loved that little joke I heard some time ago that Bruce is the Gomez Addams of Gotham. He desperately wants to loose money because Billionaires Are Dicks (B.A.D) (no offense Dickie), but with all the investments he made his earlier days in order to actually loose money and all the benefits he gave to his employees and all the different companies that belong to the Wayne name across the globe he just makes more money per minute than he has time to spend.
Gotham fucking loves Brucie Wayne
Some nice Brucie Wayne headcanons for you all
Hes an idiot and a dork but he makes social events interesting because who else would fall into the chocolate fountain?
At any social event where kids are invited as well he can most definitely be found with the kids, talking to them like they are adults
He never treats anyone as inferior unless they're dicks
He once punched riddler in the face because he interrupted a girls birthday party
He has an entire fashion line that is dedicated to giving people actually comfortable practical clothes
Hes an absolute unit in bed. For both men and women. (either top or bottom)
He once held a man upside down by his ankles and shook him until everything had fallen out of his pockets because he had used to be a bully and was now a dick
Can and will walk teenagers home if its late at night.
Always tips very generously
He was once in line at a batburger and there was a karen yelling at the poor 16 year old cashier and he walked to the front and just started sticking 100 dollar bills into the tip jar with the nastiest smile aimed at the karen. ‘The more you yell the more i tip.’ (the cashier was, coincidently stephanie brown, and she high fived him)
He has a social media but never uses it unless its to draw awareness to a certain cause or to show off his children.
He also posts beautiful pictures of gotham, or of mundane everyday things, showcasing the beauty in life
(Is canonically a feminist)
Will protect waiters/servers/janitors from creeps or gotham elite who think theyre better than them
He stopped adopting kids but still pays for as many college tuitions as he can
Funded a city wide disability infrastructure plan so people with wheelchairs could go places too
He once rocked three guys with guns’s shit because they were attempting to molest these little boys
Punched a teacher in the face for making a student cry
Will at any time drop everything the second one of his kids asks him to
There is an entire instagram account dedicated to pictures of him helping old people cross the street
Once a month he visits inmates at the prison and offers them jobs
Genuinely cares for his workers and buys them houses and cars if they need it
Literally created gothams public transportation system and made sure it was free
Teamed up with poison ivy to make public gardens for everyone to enjoy
Funds clean energy research
Any celebrity fan mail he receives he answers personally
One time a little girl asked him to come to her birthday party and he did and brought presents
Taught an entire school basic self defense
Brucie Wayne may be an idiotic little shit but he is the Prince of Gotham and Gothamites would lay down their lives for him more willingly than they would for Batman.
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Wednesday Addams wayne
So hear me out, Gomez and mortician a fake their deaths to go on a deserted island vacation, (they’ve done this before) and Wednesday knows this, Pugsley knows this, grandmama and lurch know this, but for some reason the police department won’t 1 believe them, and 2 won’t release pugs let and Wednesday to a non legal guardian (in the musical they have a thing about “wait I thought grandmama was your mother, who’s mother is she?”) and then Wednesday finds out there that her aroptive father is on the way, and sure she knew about him but that didn’t mean she wanted anything more then to go back to her dissection lab and be left alone,
Instead Bruce Wayne busts into the room and is so excited to have another child but also freaking out cause “oh god it’s another biological one, is she meant to be this much like Damian?” And the next day at breakfast or smthn when everyone is there to welcome her Wednesday just sits down and is like “I am not wanting to play house or be familial, I appreciate your hospitality, my parents are in the bermuta triangle likely making out in a kraken stomach, we will see them in a few months, In that time I would like to be left to my own devices”
“I also am willing to leave you to your own devices as well”
She makes direct eye contact with Bruce “I have no interest in any floundering in ANY form of Gotham politics, bloody as it is.” Then goes back to eating thinking she just did a good job at saying “this is temporary, and I do not want this let out to the public” while the entire crew is like “shit new sis is in denial AND knows our night lives!
Then it’s just a constant of them tip young around it trying to get to the bottom of how much she knows until one night they are coming out of the secret door behind the clock after patrol and all of them get snared into a net with a projector screen in front of them flashing saying “stop. Fucking. Asking.”
And when they try carefully to bring it up to her in the morning she just says “the pranas got delayed during shipping, and you’re annoying.”
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👻 Gotham Halloween Special: Tim Drake Edition 🎃
Halloween in Gotham isn’t exactly normal — not when the villains see it as an excuse to get extra creative with their outfits and the city lights are already eerie. But the Batfam? Oh, they go hard.
🎃 Tim Drake’s Halloween Highlights:
1. The Costume Switcheroo
Tim suggested they all do a “casual switch,” which sounded easy enough. But somehow, somehow, they all ended up in costumes that make NO sense on anyone else:
• Dick as Red Hood: Complete with Jason’s leather jacket, a foam helmet, and a lot of attitude. “You’re not even holding the gun right,” Jason hisses.
• Jason as Robin: No one’s seen him this self-conscious in a long time.
• Damian as Nightwing: “How do you even FIGHT in these pants?!”
• Tim as Batman: “I get why he’s so dramatic now; this cape is an entire weapon.”
2. The Trick-Or-Treat Conundrum
Tim decided to help patrol the streets and give out candy in costume, which meant… people recognized “Batman” was handing out full-sized candy bars on the corner. Pure chaos. Someone yelled, “Bruce Wayne’s back! He’s handing out candy!” Tim just went with it.
3. Haunted Wayne Manor
Tim went all-out on the haunted house theme, using every security gadget in the house to create creepy effects and hidden jumpscares. Even Bruce got spooked by an unexpected “Jason, is that you?” soundbite.
4. Pumpkin Carving Competition: Wayne Family Style
Let’s just say… it got competitive:
• Dick’s pumpkin was a gymnastic Bat-symbol that ended up collapsing.
• Jason carved a Jack-o’-Lantern “with a twist” (the twist was the Joker’s grin, and no one wanted to talk about it).
• Damian carved an extremely detailed battle scene.
• Tim? Carved out a fully functional Bat-signal pumpkin with LEDs.
5. The Mystery Fog
Tim accidentally (or maybe not accidentally?) set off a fog machine inside the Batcave after trying to add a “spooky ambiance.” Now there’s a perpetual mist rolling around every time someone enters the cave.
6. Finally… The Group Costume:
Somehow, Tim convinced everyone to do an Addams Family theme. Bruce as Gomez, Alfred as Fester, Tim as Wednesday, Damian as Pugsley, Jason as Lurch, and Dick as Cousin Itt. Barbara laughed so hard, she couldn’t even breathe, especially when Bruce got weirdly into character.
And as for Tim? He’s the one setting off all the ghost projections in Wayne Manor, orchestrating creepy sounds, and every few minutes, going, “Wait, did you guys see that shadow?” Just keeping everyone on their toes.
Happy Halloween, Gothamites! Stay spooky. 👻
#tim drake#batfam#halloween for the bats#happy halloweeeeeeen#i havent posted enough halloween bat content this should be a crime#it was rushed and i didnt add the girls i'm so sorry#bruce wayne#dick grayson#jason todd#damian wayne#alfred pennyworth#barbara gordon
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Bats and Bones
by berryspancakes87 The Addams Family moves to Gotham, and chaos ensues. or... The Addams Family is driven out of their home and finds comfort in Gotham, much to the dismay of the Bats. Words: 465, Chapters: 1/?, Language: English Fandoms: Addams Family - All Media Types, Batman - All Media Types Rating: Mature Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings Characters: Bruce Wayne, Tim Drake (DCU), Batfamily Members (DCU), Wednesday Addams, Morticia Addams, Gomez Addams, Pugsley Addams, Dick Grayson, Damian Wayne, Jason Todd, Enid Sinclair, Duke Thomas, Fester Addams, Grandmama Addams (Addams Family), John Constantine, Justice League (DCU), Barbara Gordon Relationships: Wednesday Addams/Enid Sinclair, Gomez Addams/Morticia Addams, Bernard Dowd/Tim Drake/Kon-El | Conner Kent, Dick Grayson/Wally West, Bruce Wayne/Selina Kyle Additional Tags: Family, Batfamily is a Mess (DCU) via https://ift.tt/mk3VBvl
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BAH HAH
Plot armor but it’s Bruce Wayne’s wealth.
Bruce is one of the richest men in the world. Bruce does not want to be one of the richest men in world.
He starts by implementing high starting salaries and full health care coverages for all levels at Wayne Enterprises. This in vastly improves retention and worker productivity, and WE profits soar. He increases PTO, grants generous parental and family leave, funds diversity initiatives, boosts salaries again. WE is ranked “#1 worker-friendly corporation”, and productively and profits soar again.
Ok, so clearly investing his workers isn’t the profit-destroying doomed strategy his peers claim it is. Bruce is going to keep doing it obviously (his next initiative is to ensure all part-time and contractors get the same benefits and pay as full time employees), but he is going to have to find a different way to dump his money.
But you know what else is supposed to be prohibitively expensive? Green and ethical initiatives. Yes, Bruce can do that. He creates and fund a 10 year plan to covert all Wayne facilities to renewable energy. He overhauls all factories to employ the best environmentally friendly practices and technologies. He cuts contracts with all suppliers that engage in unethical employment practices and pays for other to upgrade their equipment and facilities to meet WE’s new environmental and safety requirements. He spares no expense.
Yeah, Wayne Enterprises is so successful that they spin off an entire new business arm focused on helping other companies convert to environmentally friendly and safe practices like they did in an efficient, cost effective, successful way.
Admittedly, investing in his own company was probably never going to be the best way to get rid of his wealth. He slashes his own salary to a pittance (god knows he has more money than he could possibly know what to do with already) and keeps investing the profits back into the workers, and WE keeps responding with nearly terrifying success.
So WE is a no-go, and Bruce now has numerous angry billionaires on his back because they’ve been claiming all these measures he’s implementing are too expensive to justify for decades and they’re finding it a little hard to keep the wool over everyone’s eyes when Idiot Softheart Bruice Wayne has money spilling out his ears. BUT Bruce can invest in Gotham. That’ll go well, right?
Gotham’s infrastructure is the OSHA anti-Christ and even what little is up to code is constantly getting destroyed by Rogue attacks. Surely THAT will be a money sink.
Except the only non-corrupt employer in Gotham city is….Wayne Enterprises. Or contractors or companies or businesses that somehow, in some way or other, feed back to WE. Paying wholesale for improvement to Gotham’s infrastructure somehow increases WE’s profits.
Bruce funds a full system overhaul of Gotham hospital (it’s not his fault the best administrative system software is WE—he looked), he sets up foundations and trusts for shelters, free clinics, schools, meal plans, day care, literally anything he can think of.
Gotham continues to be a shithole. Bruce Wayne continues to be richer than god against his Batman-ingrained will.
Oh, and Bruice Wayne is no longer viewed as solely a spoiled idiot nepo baby. The public responds by investing in WE and anything else he owns, and stop doing this, please.
Bruce sets up a foundation to pay the college tuition of every Gotham citizen who applies. It’s so successful that within 10 years, donations from previous recipients more than cover incoming need, and Bruce can’t even donate to his own charity.
But by this time, Bruce has children. If he can’t get rid of his wealth, he can at least distribute it, right?
Except Dick Grayson absolutely refuses to receive any of his money, won’t touch his trust fund, and in fact has never been so successful and creative with his hacking skills as he is in dumping the money BACK on Bruce. Jason died and won’t legally resurrect to take his trust fund. Tim has his own inherited wealth, refuses to inherit more, and in fact happily joins forces with Dick to hack accounts and return whatever money he tries to give them. Cass has no concept of monetary wealth and gives him panicked, overwhelmed eyes whenever he so much as implies offering more than $100 at once. Damian is showing worrying signs of following in his precious Richard’s footsteps, and Babs barely allows him to fund tech for the Clocktower. At least Steph lets him pay for her tuition and uses his credit card to buy unholy amounts of Batburger. But that is hardly a drop in the ocean of Bruce’s wealth. And she won’t even accept a trust fund of only one million.
Jason wins for best-worst child though because he currently runs a very lucrative crime empire. And although he pours the vast, vast majority of his profits back into Crime Alley, whenever he gets a little too rich for his tastes, he dumps the money on Bruce. At this point, Bruce almost wishes he was being used for money laundering because then he’s at least not have the money.
So children—generous, kindhearted, stubborn till the day they die the little shits, children—are also out.
Bruce was funding the Justice League. But then finances were leaked, and the public had an outcry over one man holding so much sway over the world’s superheroes (nevermind Bruce is one of those superheroes—but the public can’t know that). So Bruce had to do some fancy PR trickery, concede to a policy of not receiving a majority of funds from one individual, and significantly decrease his contributions because no one could match his donations.
At his wits end, Bruce hires a team of accounts to search through every crinkle and crevice of tax law to find what loopholes or shortcuts can be avoided in order to pay his damn taxes to the MAX.
The results are horrifying. According to the strictest definition of the law, the government owes him money.
Bruce burns the report, buries any evidence as deeply as he can, and organizes a foundation to lobby for FAR higher taxation of the upper class.
All this, and Wayne Enterprises is happily chugging along, churning profit, expanding into new markets, growing in the stock market, and trying to force the credit and proportionate compensation on their increasingly horrified CEO.
Bruce Wayne is one of the richest men in the world. Bruce Wayne will never not be one of the richest men in the world.
But by GOD is he trying.
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Batman’s Anniversary/A Riddling Controversy (The Riddler’s looking a bit creepy... and kooky)
[All images are owned by DC Comics and 20th Century Fox Disney. Please don’t sue me]
Fans of the Caped Crusader’s 60s TV show know the four core villains, but three of them have appeared in more episodes than the fourth. The reason for this is that Frank Gorshin (who played the Riddler) wanted to renegotiate his contract after the first season, so the studio fired him (they brought him back for an episode in Season 3)
This review covers the one Riddler story in season 2. No, they didn’t bring Gorshin back for the story, but rather…well, you’ll have to read on to find out! If you would like to watch the episode, it’s available on Hulu or behind your favorite paywall.
We open in Stately Wayne Manor where Bruce Wayne is helping his ward Dick Grayson with his geometry homework when Alfred quietly announces an important call from Commissioner Gordon.
Gordon is a bit coy, not saying who or what requires Batman’s presence, but that he needs Batman right away at the Gotham Plaza Hotel. One quick drop down the Batpoles and the Dynamic Duo are off!
At the Gotham Plaza Hotel, Commissioner Gordon rushes the Caped Crusaders to the ballroom where…
…he reveals a surprise party luncheon celebrating the anniversary of Batman’s debut in Gotham as the opening credits roll!
Mayor Linseed presides over the luncheon, announcing the Gotham Dairy Council (wait, Gotham has dairy farms?) has donated $200,000 to the charity of Batman’s choice (I’m gonna guess it will be the Wayne Foundation) and the donation is presented…
…inside of a golden calf by Ms. Anna Gram (that’s an odd name). Why would they put the money inside such a gimmick? Why not just write a giant novelty check like everyone else? Just then…
As Batman tries to get the guests out in an orderly fashion, the GCFD shows up…
…through the window? The “Firemen” take the golden calf and hastily exit back through the window along with Anna Gram (Yeah, should’ve just done the check) As the “Fire Chief” exits, he can’t help but taunt Batman.
The Riddler! (Ah! Anna gram…ANAGRAM!) Only he looks a bit like Gomez Addams.
Yes, with Frank Gorshin fired, the producers brought in John Astin and hoped no one would notice.
Riddler leaves a clue for Batman about his next caper…
OK, that sort of riddle is more what I would expect from a villain who’s whole schtick is trying to outwit Batman (it’s much better than “What weights six ounces, sits in a tree, and is very dangerous? A sparrow with a machine gun” anyway)
With that, Riddler escapes to a waiting GCFD vehicle.
…which looks more like a red panel van. You’d think, given the GCPD doesn’t need much of a budget given that Batman solves 90% of the crimes in Gotham City, the city could afford a fire truck.
Batman and Robin rush off to the Batmobile to give chase. However, the Riddler’s panel van emergency vehicle crosses paths with an identical emergency vehicle and Batman isn’t sure who to chase!
Then a newspaper vendor stops at the Batmobile to try to sell one to Batman.
Batman then opens to the crossword page (an engaging page to be sure!) then heads back to the Batcave to solve the puzzle.
Meanwhile, at the Riddler’s hideout…
(You know, if the GCPD raided every joke shop, game factory, umbrella shop, and bird/cat food warehouse on a weekly basis, crime would drop over 70% in Gotham City!)
…the Riddler prepares for his next heist.
I’m gonna guess it’s underwater.
Meanwhile in the Batcave…
You mean he hasn’t entirely solved the crossword yet? I thought Batman was the World’s Greatest Detective!
They then look at the answers in the upper left corner and realize that there is a charity BANQUET at the BASIN STREET hotel that has collected $100,000 for the Wayne Foundation Batman’s favorite charity!
To further complicate matters, Gordon calls that a flooded water main has flooded an underground bank vault (a BANK-WET! Clever, writers Mr. Nigma!) Batman has Gordon cover the banquet while he and Robin check out the bank-wet.
Later, at the bank-wet…
…Riddler and his goons prepare to blow the vault when…
Why are they walking when they’re supposed to be underwater? Unless everyone has weighted shoes, they should be swimming! The Dynamic Duo slowly confront the Riddler and his gang and they fight in slow motion…
(but no ZOWIE!)
…until Riddler removes Robin’s rebreather, forcing Batman to let the criminals escape before Robin drowns.
As the Caped Crusaders leave the bank…
(looking a lot drier than they should), Batman spies a riddle left behind.
(when wearing a waterproof bat-suit?)
Back at the Riddler’s hideout, Riddler tallies his ill-gotten gains thus far at $1.5 million, but he needs twice that amount.
So THAT’s Riddler’s game! Buy a super-weapon and hold the city hostage!
Then Anna escorts in the man who will sell Riddler this weapon…
(If there’s some sort of gag in that name, I’m not seeing it)
Prof. Charm is selling his super weapon (known as the demolecularizer) as revenge against the Gotham Science Institute for not allowing him to join. (Y’know, he could just use it himself, but then he’d be out three million bucks)
At the Batcave, Batman and Robin have yet to solve the latest riddle when Alfred reminds them of an appointment with the Gotham City Bakers’ Guild.
Well, Batman certainly wouldn’t let a silly thing like a master criminal’s crime spree get in the way of a PR stunt!
Later at Gotham City Bakery…
…the bakers prepare to sculpt the marshmallow toppers for the giant cake. They ask Batman and Robin to stand on top of the cake (why? You’d think they’d want their subjects close by to get as much detail as they can while sculpting in marshmallow)
Wait, that’s no baker! Though he is cooking up something fiendish, I’m sure!
No sooner do Our Heroes step onto the cake, they begin sinking!
I think I know the answer to the Riddler’s clue.
Riddler then leaves to collect the rest of Batman’s charity money (when will these villains learn to confirm their kills?)
Which means it’s time for the cliffhanger!
But you won’t have to wait until tomorrow! Just click that “next episode” button on whatever method you’re watching this.
Now, onto part 2!
So what deus ex Batshit will the writers Batman come up with this time?
That works. Thanks Robin!
(Fortunately, TV was so low-def that the viewers didn’t see the wires pulling Our Heroes out)
Later at the Riddler’s hideout, the villainous gang watch the news of their exploits. Then the newscaster said the Commissioner and Batman made a joint statement about the Riddler’s latest heist.
(I would call that an “Oh shit!” face)
Meanwhile, the newscaster states the Riddler’s latest clue.
(I’m telling you, the writers have really stepped up their game for Astin’s Riddler!)
The Riddler quickly recovers, not believing Batman survived.
I gotta say, that line was pretty clever.
The gang has their doubts, but the Riddler is confident they’ll pull off the final caper needed to cover Prof. Charm’s price for the demolecularizer.
Meanwhile, in Gordon’s office, the Commissioner brainstorms with a very-much-alive Batman and Robin about the riddle. Gordon says a nest is blessed when they are young ones.
Robin once again solves the riddle (Batman’s supposed to be the World’s Greatest Detective, yet Robin seems to solve 95% of the Riddler’s clues)
Fortunately, Batman’s knowledge of the bullshit geography of Gotham City comes into play, as he remembers a nightclub on top of one of Gotham’s skyscrapers known as the Eyrie (which is another name for an eagle’s nest) However, with some mental gymnastics that would make Mary Lou Retton (remember her?) proud, they come around to a “Latin eagle”…
(So Gotham City is harboring deposed dictators? I guess he’s one of the ones the CIA likes)
The Caped Crusaders head to Aquilo’s penthouse, but…
…will they be too late?
Batman soon arrives, much to the shock of the Riddler. However, he quickly recovers and sic’s his goons on them as the fight music begins!
…but no ZOWIE! (I know there were fights that have a ZOWIE! and I’ll eventually review one…oh wait, I did!)
The Dynamic Duo make short work of the Riddler’s goons, but the Riddler tells Batman to let them go, or…
…he will blow up Aquila (who looks like a stereotypical tinpot dictator. You’d think he wouldn’t dress like a revolutionary while in America). All Batman has to do to free Aquila is solve the Riddler’s puzzle box and disarm the bomb. By that time, Riddler will be scot-free. Batman obviously has no choice.
Later at Riddler’s hideout, Prof. Charm gets his payment and presents the demolecularizer to the Riddler!
Prof. Charm demonstrates by disintegrating demolecularizing a hat.
The Riddler then calls Gordon to go to the park and keep an eye on the statue.
Batman quickly joins him. Shortly after…
…the Riddler strikes! Shortly after, a messenger gives Batman the latest from the Riddler demanding all laws be abolished in two hours or he’ll make GCPD disappear, then a building a day until his demand is met! Obviously the Riddler doesn’t know how government works. They can’t get anything accomplished in two years, let alone two hours!
And of course this being the Riddler…
Seriously? I take back what I said about the writers being clever!
…I take back my take-back.
As the Boatmobile sits in front of a green screen aimlessly wanders Gotham in search of the Riddler, Robin figures out the first of the Riddler’s clues (not that it was that hard; the answer is “man”)
For the second part, they do more mental gymnastics to take the first letter of key words in each of the Riddler’s other clues, convert them to their numerical equivalent, add them together and come up with 36. Robin comes up with 36 inches (or 3 feet?) Robin says no one has three feet…
Congratulation Batman, you figured out what the rest of have known since the beginning of part one: the location of the Riddler’s hideout! (remember?) Batman immediately calls Gordon and tells him not to give in to the Riddler’s demands. He then asks Gordon to bring to the Batcopter’s hanger (again I ask, how is Gotham Airport getting paid to store and upkeep the Batcopter?)…
Doing a quick google search, there’s no such thing as sodium dichlorite! Now, sodium chrlorite is used in mouthwash, but I doubt Batman needs minty fresh breath to beat the Riddler. Sodium dichloride is a disinfectant, but that doesn’t seem like it would help much either. What the hell kind of deus ex Batshit is the Bright Knight planning?
Meanwhile at the Riddler’s hideout, Riddler informs the audience his gang that he’s hidden the demolecularizer in Gordon’s office (wouldn’t that disintegrate the demolecularizer as well?) As the deadline looms, the Riddler turns on the TV to watch GCPD (and his demolecularizer) vanish. The newscaster announces that Gordon will go down with the ship GCPD.
Meanwhile outside…
Wait, weren’t they just in the Batcopter? Why didn’t they just fly it there instead of taking the time to return to Gotham City Airport (for that matter, why take the Batcycle when the Batmobile was no doubt parked nearby?)
Then, just as the deadline comes…
…but other than a lightning strike, nothing happens. Needless to say, the Riddler’s confused and a bit pissed. Then Batman and Robin come in with their deus ex Batshit explanation.
Yep, Batman used the sodium dichlorite to seed a cloud, causing a thunderstorm which shorted out the building’s power.
[OK…first off, it’s silver iodide that used to seed clouds. Second, there is NO FUCKING WAY Batman could time and aim a lightning bolt at GCPD to short out the building at the last second! Third, there’s also NO FUCKING WAY Batman could know the demolecularizer was inside the building!]
Cue the fight music!
(STILL no ZOWIE!)
While Batman and Robin do the mop up, Ana Gram tries to escape, but…
Chief O’Hara made good time, considering he was in Gordon’s office less than a minute ago!
Later in Gordon’s office, Prof. Charm turns himself in, donating the funds he gained from selling the demolecularizer to the Wayne Foundation (I KNEW IT!) in exchange for a lighter sentence. Batman promises he’ll be admitted into the Gotham Science Institute as soon as he’s released from prison.
Roll credits!
I’m going to say I would’ve enjoyed seeing Astin return for more episodes as the Riddler instead of Gorshin returning for one more episode. The writers were a bit more clever (some of which could’ve been Astin’s input as well), and Gorshin’s giggling sounded too similar to Cesar Romero’s laugh which (when you add in that EVERY villain on the show left puzzling clues for Batman to solve) made the Riddler seem like a cheap Joker knockoff. Edward Nygma deserved better.
youtube
(Thanks to hol up)
...and certainly better than what Joel Schumacher did to him!
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where bruce wayne is actually related to gomez addams. like just picture gomez going, ah bruce my boy, how’s gotham? and like wednesday and puglsey digging up jason and he’s like, that would have taken ages, so thanks for that. and granny and alfred comparing poisons while thing goes on patrol with damian and fester is cracking dick up with his lightbulb routine. like just think of the holidays. oracle having a field day in the addams library. like matches malone being rescued by gomez and morticia at the iceberg lounge. joker taken down by lurch. just give me the wayne-addams adventures pls
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Ok so this idea was inspired by AUs where Tim Drake is a member of the Addams family and thus this cute idea was born
Ok so, Tim’s parents still travel a lot but instead of leaving him alone in a big empty manor they leave him with his aunt and uncle Morticia and Gomez Addams
And Tim is a weird little kid who grows up without fear of the dark figures at night because the boogeyman is actually a pretty nice fellow who was very touched when Tiny Tim gave them a drawing of themselves, the monster in the closet actually gives great fashion advice as well as providing the perfect clothes for playing dress up, and the monsters under his bed are great storytellers and the shadow man gives Tim great advice on how to hide and use shadows to his advantage, etc.
The point is that Timmy grows up under the care of the Addams when his parents have to leave on long business trips or excavation sites and as such, is exposed to Gomez’s great appreciation of swordsmanship and fencing, and the haunted suits of armors are always great at comparing which kind of swords are the best in which kind of combat as well as the the importance of craftsmanship when in relation to having a reliable sword
And then one day Timmy watches the movie ‘The Legend of Zorro’ and becomes absolutely obsessed with learning how to use a sword and fight with it in the way only little kids can become obsessed with something they find completely cool, and Gomez is so excited to be teaching Tim everything he knows and they work together to craft Timmy his very own mini rapier for learning how to fence (swords are heavier so Tim learns those from Gomez when he’s older and can parry more weight)
And Tim becomes very Focused and Serious on learning how to fence and he’s very excited when he manages to finally best his uncle in a fencing duel (not as excited as Gomez tho, “MY CHILD SHALL BECOME THE BEST SWORDSMAN YET MY LOVE, DID YOU SEE HIS TECHNIQUE, HAD I BEEN SLOWER HE WOULD’VE RIPPED OPEN MY THROAT IN ONE SWIPE, I’M SO PROUD” “Our child dear”)
And then the movie ‘Count of Monte Cristo’ comes out and both Tim and Gomez are super fans (as a whole the family’s favorite movies are this one as well as the Legend of Zorro because 1. Revenge is achieved to the improvement of the main character’s well being and 2. The Aesthetic) and Tim just focuses on getting the hang of swords now with Gomez being more than happy to help his darling nephew
So years pass and Tim’s parents have finished one of their most taxing excavation digs so they return to Gotham and Tim has to return too (for the purposes of this AU Janet and Jack actually do give a fuck about their son so they would call him every other night when they’re away and if they can’t then at the very least they would call Tim once a week; they also call Morticia and Gomez at least once a week to check on how Tim is doing and they were also very happy to know that Tim has taken a liking to swords so they try to bring new types of weapons or literature related to weapons from the culture of their latest excavation so Tim can learn how different types of swords are wielded all around the world)
But anyway, Tim is going back to Gotham so he and Gomez work on creating a new sword for him with the family motto carved on the blade “Sic Gorgiamus Allos Subjectatos Nunc” which translates to “We Gladly Feast on Those Who Would Subdue Us” which is metal as fuck so yeah, and this sword is super durable and strong, inspired by a katana’s durability and a rapier’s gracefulness with a blade that is such a dark purple that it looks black like obsidian and the inscription of the family motto is carved in letters that are ruby red with a black hilt where an image of a drake is engraved in the same ruby red as the family motto (basically it is a Very Deadly Sword that is also Very Pretty with a dark aesthetic)
So Tim gets back to Gotham and one day he’s watching the news and sees The Batman saving the day and what not and sees Robin do a quadruple back flip and figures out their identities and decides that he wants to meet them at some point while on his nightly photography sessions of Gotham architecture; and if he manages to snap a couple of shots of Gotham’s heroes sometimes then that’s a bonus but Tim is mostly focused on capturing the essence of Gotham city (at this point in time when Tim moves back to Gotham he physically looks like 10-12 year old; he did meet Dick at the circus when he looked like he was 4 years old but for the purposes of the timeline Tim, as an Addams, can choose to remain at any age he desires for as long as he wants so while he did appear to be 4 years old at the circus, he had been alive for a couple of years more at this point, this also explains how he can master swords and fencing while physically looking like a 10 year old because he has been practicing for years as well as why he remembers Dick from that night at the circus)
So the timeline continues with Tim figuring out that the Bats are actually his neighbors but instead of staying away from the Waynes, he decides to go ask his parents if he can stay with the neighbors whenever they have to stay later than usual at the company or have to take a short business travel and they talk with Bruce about it and he agrees to take care of Tim, so now Tim has an in to befriend the Waynes and helps smooth out the edges of Dick and Bruce’s relationship so Bruce doesn’t fire Dick from Robin, but rather they talk about their feelings for once and Dick decides he wants to create his own superhero identity and Bruce supports his decision (Tim may or may not have had to talk about how his family happened to be very open about their feelings and worry for one another and how much closer they are due to talking to each other and resolving conflict; Alfred may or may not have been 100% behind Tim every time he made such a conversation) also, Tim is basically a trial run for Dick on becoming a big brother for when Jason arrives
One time Tim asks Dick if he knows how to fence which Dick can’t really answer because technically he knows how to fight with a sword but that’s for vigilante purposes which his civilian self isn’t supposed to know so Dick says that he doesn’t and asks Tim why he wanted to know, Tim proceeds to talk about how his favorite masked hero uses a sword to fight injustice and he has a black cape and a black horse and Bruce comes into the living room they’re in in the middle of Tim’s rambling about his favorite hero using a sword and is Concerned for a hot minute until Tim finishes the rant by saying “. . . and that’s why I like his movie so much, have you seen the Legend of Zorro?” (Cue relief for both Dick and Bruce because for all that they scrambled to put a name to the hero Tim was describing they couldn’t come up with one and were considering the possibility of a new player in the vigilante scene) so then Tim asks Mr. Bruce if he knows how to fence and Bruce says yes and asks if Tim would like to learn cue the “Oh, my uncle taught me how to fence a few years ago and when I lived with them we had a duel at least once a week, it was very fun so I was just wondering if you knew so we could practice if you want to Mr. Bruce”
Dick is 100% on board with this because the idea of Tiny Tim and 6’1” Bruce fencing is hilarious in his mind, Alfred is there to supervise and both Tim and Bruce are provided with the appropriate fencing equipment and protection; Bruce starts off slow and is surprised when Tim manages to beat him before starting to enjoy fencing with someone who can surprisingly keep up with him (Dick is taking pictures because the height difference is just too cute to be ignored and Tiny Tim is adorable in his own mini fencing equipment)
Whenever his parents do have to leave for extended periods of time (any company trip that takes more than 3-5 days qualifies as this) Tim stays with his aunt and uncle, thus starting a fun tradition of having spontaneous fencing duels with his uncle Gomez, basically if one of them is in the library then the other will shout ‘En-garde’ while throwing a sabre towards the other person and engaging in a quick duel; basically, if Tim is reading about the latest poisonous plants produced by Poison Ivy and annotating his research in order to get an idea of what would be a nice gift for his aunt Morticia and Gomez walks into the library then Gomez will grab two of the sabres they have on the wall for this exact purpose while shouting ‘en-garde’ before throwing a sabre at Tim and engaging in a duel, same goes for Tim, it’s almost instinct to the point that Tim has to hold himself back from doing exactly this whenever he sees Bruce in the library of Wayne Manor
Later on, when Jason is already adopted into the Wayne family, Tim still comes over and makes it his sacred mission to teach Jason the art of swords so he has another fencing buddy because “Mr. Bruce isn’t always here and I have decided that we will be friends and you’re pretty cool but knowing how to fight with a sword just ups your coolness level ya know?” So now Jason has smol Tim teaching him how to fence and it’s pretty fun to be able to do a taxing physical activity outside of being Robin with a friend, when Jason gets the hang of fencing Tim decides that he must now advance to the next level: sword fighting (Alfred is always there to supervise and give tips and pointers because he also knows how to fence but chooses to stay in the sidelines and let the young masters have their fun)
The problem with this is that, while the Waynes do have sabres for fencing, they don’t have swords, at least not in their civilian selves, so Tim decides to bring his own swords to teach Jason how to sword fight, Alfred is the first to see Tim’s very own special sword and is both impressed at the craftsmanship and concerned as to why a child has a sword, Jason thinks Tim’s sword is the coolest he has ever seen and Tim is happy to talk about how he made it himself with his uncle’s help when he finally learned all about sword fighting and promises Jason that they can make him his own cool sword when he learns how to sword fight too, Dick also thinks that the sword is a little concerning for a kid to have but he also wants his own cool sword and so now he insists Bruce has to teach him how to sword fight because Tim said he’s not allowed to have his own sword until he learns how to sword fight, Bruce is baffled as to why Tim has a sword, impressed at Tim’s skills in craftsmanship, and a little Concerned as to why Tim’s sword has that Latin inscription on the blade (no Tim, knowing that “we feast in those who would subdue us” is your family motto doesn’t calm me down yet it explains a lot about your mother)
By the time Damian comes along to the family he is very interested in where Jason and Dick got their Very Cool swords from, his father also has one and he wants to have his own Very Cool Sword too, thank you very much, and Tim visits them when Damian is still settling in and asks his customary question of if he knows how to use fence and gets an affirmative answer he asks Bruce if it would be ok for him and Damian to have a fencing duel, Bruce explains the rules to Damian and makes sure that Alfred, Dick, Jason and him are present in order to keep Damian from maiming/killing Tim
The duel does get a little out of hand as Damian gauges that Tim is more skilled than he previously thought so he stops holding back, Tim is positively grinning at this since he always has to hold back with the Waynes in a way that he doesn’t with Uncle Gomez because while an Addams won’t die from a stab to the heart, the same can’t be said for anyone else; the duel ends with Tim winning because he has more experience than Damian but he is positive beaming at how awesome Damian was and how these duels could become a weekly thing before they transition to swords and once Dames graduates from swords he can design his very own sword with Tim’s help as a sort of graduation present for learning how to sword fight and he’s sure that it won’t take too long for Damian to master swordsmanship because he’s basically a natural already and very skilled and this duel was so much fun Damian we have to do this again sometime oh my gosh I want to teach you everything I know it’s gonna be so much fun
And Damian, a poor baby, was mad at having lost to Tim but then Tim hits him with all this excitement and smiles and it’s the promise of getting his own Very Cool Sword is what gets him to agree to learn from Tim, it’s not that he feels warm at getting compliments from someone who also likes swords and knows what he’s doing in a fight, he definitely doesn’t find Tim cool at all, he’s just making use of a resource and he will learn everything Tim has to offer and become better than both Grayson and Todd, that’s all (that’s not all because it turns out that Damian is the younger brother Tim never had and he takes Dami under his wing and helps him adjust to a life outside the League of Assassins and how to find hobbies to enjoy; Damian won’t admit it but he is also Very Attached in to Timothy and feels like he won’t be judged for his past with him and he is also a fellow sword enthusiast so yeah)
Tim decides to do the same thing to Damian and initiating a quick fencing duel whenever he sees that Damian is in the gardens (no fencing inside the Manor on pain of Alfred’s eyebrow of disappointment); this helps Damian with the transition of learning to have fun and also learn to realize that not everybody is an enemy, it also helps keep up his training and burn some energy whenever he gets restless and helps him bond with Tim more
The idea was that Tim and Uncle Gomez would surprise each other with spontaneous fencing duels by shouting ‘en-garde’ at the other person whenever they find one another in the library, and now it turned into a fluff AU where Tim isn’t Robin but he’s still a family friend to the Waynes and an Addams and helps bring the family closer through his love of swords because yes
#Tim is an Addams AU#fencing AU#tim drake#humor#batfam#bruce wayne#dick grayson#jason todd#damian wayne#alfred pennyworth#Uncle Gomez#Aunt Morticia#Jack and Janet Drake don’t suck in this AU#Gómez teaches Timmy how to fence#and i love that for them#fluff AU#Jason doesn’t die here#Dick isn’t fired here#Bruce actually communicates with his sons#due to Tim’s influence and Alfred’s passive aggressive remarks on his behavior#he loves his sons and learns how to express his love and concern for them in a way that is clear for everyone#Damian and Tim bond over fencing#Damian definitely thinks that Tim is the coolest and names him his favorite brother#they’re all friends#and together the four of them get up to the craziest shit#Tim isn’t Robin here#but he Knows who the Bats are
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Batfam Addams Family AU
(This is going off of the two Addams Family live action movies, not the comics, show or animated movie)
The Wayne family has always been odd- to say the least- as long as anyone could remember. As any history book could remember. Always bathed in darkness, and gloom, and contradictions to social norms. Even for as a dark a place as Gotham, they stuck out like sore thumbs.
But if there was anything the Wayne family was known for, it was their love for each other.
When the long lost son of Bruce Wayne returns with a strange doctor and a grand tell of being lost in the Bermuda Triangle, the family is divided unsure of what the truth may be.
Bruce Wayne (Gomez Addams): The patriarch of the Wayne family. Has been holding a torch for his long lost eldest son ever since the night he went missing.
Talia Wayne (Morticia Addams): The daughter of Ra al Ghul who fell for Bruce the night she met him at a funeral.
Richard “Dick” Wayne (Fester Addams): The long lost eldest son of Bruce Wayne. He went missing after a fight with Bruce years before. He was found by Dr. Crane with amnesia. Years later, he returned to the manor believing he was only pretending to be Dick Grayson to get to the family vault for Dr. Crane and his Uncle Thomas.
Cassandra Wayne (Thing): Bruce and Talia’s only daughter. I silent girl who prefers to stick by her father’s side, lurking in his shadow.
Jason Wayne (Wednesday Addams), Timothy “Tim” Wayne (Pugsley Addams), and Duke Wayne: The three middle children on the Wayne family. Frequently causing mischief and running around the manor together.
Damian Wayne (Pubert Addams): The newest addition to the Wayne house hold.
Alfred Pennyworth (Lurch): The Wayne family butler who raised Bruce after his parents’ deaths.
Faye “Ma” Gunn (Grandmama): No one knows her true origin, though through a DNA test was found to be Jason’s grandmother (oddly she had no blood relations to anyone else in the family...).
Thomas Wayne: Bruce’s older brother who abandoned the family a long time ago. Was Dr. Crane’s patient for many years until Dr. Crane found the amnesiac Dick. Together they formed a plan to use Dick to get their hands on the Wayne family fortune.
Dr. Jonathan Crane (Abigail Craven): The doctor who found Dick washed up on a beach. Manages to manipulate the Wayne family through their fears and doubts.
#batfam#batfamily#willow writes#bruce wayne#talia al ghul#dick grayson#cassandra cain#jason todd#tim drake#duke thomas#damian wayne#alfred pennyworth#ma gunn#thomas wayne#jonathan crane#addams family
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Ways Morticia Addams and Bruce Wayne could conceivably be related, keeping in mind I don’t know anything about Addams Family canon besides what I just looked up:
-Morticia’s mom was a Wayne
-Morticia’s mom was a Kane (note: this would make Morticia Jewish)
-Morticia’s dad was the Wayne or Kane but when Morticia’s parents got divorced she took her mom’s last name of Frump and that’s why her maiden name is Frump
-some kind of step-parent relationship where SOMEONE is a Wayne or Kane, OKAY
-Morticia is somehow related to Talia al’Ghul so she’s related to Damian so she’s basically, kind of, related to Bruce
-Gomez’s mom was related to the Waynes, the Kanes, or Talia al’Ghul (plausible but I really want Morticia and Bruce to be the ones who are related)
-Gomez and Clark are somehow friends who go way back and somehow this led to BRUCE telling HIS kids “this is your uncle Gomez and auntie Morticia” because, whatever
At any rate, Morticia having grown up in Gotham City just plain checks out, but so does the idea that the Addamses live in or around Gotham City (it’s never canonically stated where exactly that house is in America). Also, we all know that Bruce would LOVE Wednesday and Pugsley. Morbid, weird, dark-haired children are clearly his favorite.
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The more I think about Talia and Bruce as Morticia and Gomez, the more I realize The Al Ghul-Waynes are definitely the Addams Family of Gotham.
They’ve got it all. The goth-ness and theatricality (their outfits are peak examples tbh).
They’re extremely eclectic in a weird slightly violent and spooky way (i.e. fondness for swords, dark colors, bats, and the like).
They have a penchant for the adopting random children/family members into their midst. I mean they got the whole weird found family thing down let’s be real.
Most importantly, they are so fucking old money rich it’s kind of ridiculous. They live in a literal old mansion.
#brutalia#bruce wayne#talia al ghul#it's the addams family but hotter lol#dis mine tho#hmu if u wanna know how they acquire their many children
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Enemies? Part 3 -Batman/Joker
Part 1 || Part 2
Part 3 and probably the Finale of this BatJokes adventure
This will probably be the most smutty part of the story, just fyi. Also may be triggering, and I don’t want anyone to hurt from this so this is your warning.
It was also at this point that it becomes a little more campy and silly in some parts, meaning I was giggling rereading this.
Thank you for coming this far!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It was two days later and Joker was back in his joke shop. He’d told his Bat where he’d been staying, receiving a few jokes just because of his choice, and was dropped off after spending an hour exploring the Batcave. He’d spent the past two days grinning nonstop and staring out the front windows of the abandoned shop, daydreaming.
He hadn’t put any makeup on either, mostly because he assumed his Bat would be busy stopping crime that he wasn’t causing this time. He was currently sitting in front of his small TV set watching an old episode of The Addams Family; he chuckled as Gomez and Morticia struggled to find a woman for Uncle Fester and failed each time. Suddenly, a breaking news report flashed onto the screen; he was about to change the channel, but figured it was worth watching just to see the end of the episode.
“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I’m your newscaster Mike Engel here to give you some good news,” a man announced from outside a doorway that looked familiar to Joker. “I’m here at the penthouse of our beloved billionaire, Bruce Wayne, for the extravagant ball he’s holding. Now, Mr. Wayne, could you please tell us why this party is so important,” Engel said as the camera panned out to show a very well-dress man who Joker knew to be Gotham’s wealthiest playboy.
“Well, Mr. Engel, this party is being held in the hopes that the Joker will show up,” Wayne said bravely, smiling into the camera as anyone within earshot gasped in fear.
As they continued talking, Joker leaned forward in astonishment. ‘That voice… I… I know that voice, but it can’t be… He’s a billionaire! He wouldn’t possibly be able to find any time in his life to dress up as a bat and save people. Could he?’ Joker’s ears didn’t lie, he could recognise a voice in a crowded room filled with the sound of a TV that’s lost signal. Bruce Wayne is… Batman.
~~~~~~~~
Bruce waited anxiously in one of the chairs in his living room for his clown to show up; he wasn’t going to go out and face the last of the party who had stayed if only to try to pretend they’d be willing to protect him from the infamous Joker. He hoped his clown would show up, and he had no doubt that his voice would be recognisable to him.
He faintly heard the elevator ding as the elevator car arrived and the doors slid open.
~~~~~~~~
Joker stepped out of the elevator alone and looked around at the small amount of people who were there; they stared back fearfully, he assumed mostly because he had a shotgun in one hand. He wasn’t sure who would be waiting for him when he got here, and he’d wanted to feel slightly comfortable; it was the same reason he’d hastily applied his makeup.
After scanning the crowd for the billionaire who had a lot of explaining to do, and not finding him, he growled at the nearest waitress, “Where’s the Playboy?”
She pointed a shaking finger at a door next to one of the walls of windows, breaking down into tears of relief when he merely stalked past her without killing her. As he stepped up to the door, he heard the other party guests rushing for the elevator and stairs.
~~~~~~~~~~
Bruce remained seated calmly in his chair even when the door was shoved open and roughly slammed closed. “Glad you showed, Joker,” he greeted quietly. Looking over his shoulder, he saw that his makeup-faced clown was holding a gun at his side. “I hope that’s not meant for me,” he said, nodding toward the gun.
Joker glanced at the weapon as though he’d forgotten he had it before placing it on a nearby table. “No, uh, it was for in case…” his voice trailed off as he glanced nervously around the large room.
“In case of what? In case I had a bunch of cops waiting for you?” Bruce was vaguely offended, but realised quickly that Joker was just not used to being cared about. “I wouldn’t do that to someone I cared about. Besides, I had Batman speak to Gordon about taking the price off your head,” he smiled lightly, winking at his little quip about his secret identity.
Joker nodded, although he was still shiftily looking around the room as if he expected a SWAT team to jump down from the room or through the windows at any moment. Bruce assumed that was pretty close to exactly what his clown was thinking.
Bruce stood slowly, noticing as Joker’s nervous gaze landed immediately on him, and adjusted his tuxedo so it wasn’t wrinkled from sitting. He then took slow steps toward his clown, stopping just in front of him; even without the Bat suit, he was a good two inches taller than Joker.
“I didn’t call you here to have you taken away from me,” Bruce assured him, placing a comforting hand on his clown’s forearm and smiling when Joker didn’t react negatively. His clown even gave him a little smirk, which showed to be the reason for his makeup always being cracked.
“So… you’re a, uh, playboy billionaire who dresses up as a flying rodent to save the city?”
Bruce laughed and nodded. “Yeah, but I never actually liked being a ‘playboy’. Women aren’t all that much fun,” he murmured, stepping closer and forcing Joker to move back before he got stepped on. Joker suddenly found himself backed against a wall with Bruce pressed against him, his hands place on the wall to either side of his head.
“Really? And you’d much prefer a guy in clown makeup?” Joker was finding it increasingly difficult to breathe normally as he felt Bruce’s warmth surrounding him.
The man in question grinned as he moved his face closer to Joker’s. “I’ve always loved a guy who knows how to laugh,” he murmured as his lips met his clown’s. He slid his hands down the wall until he reached the purple covered shoulders and pushed the fabric down until it fell to the ground. He then pushed the suit jacket to the ground on top of it, followed by the green vest.
Joker’s hands pressed themselves against Bruce’s tuxedoed chest until they moved to sit at his hips. His brain had stopped the second he felt those lips on his own, but when he felt the warm tongue lick along his bottom lip he thought he was going to melt. He happily opened his lips and moaned lightly when he was pressed harder against the wall, his head being tilted back by the hand tangled in his hair so Bruce could deepen the kiss.
When Bruce pulled back, Joker couldn’t stop himself from instinctively moving forward to try to keep the kiss going; he moved away quickly, looking away embarrassed. Bruce gently cupped his clown’s chin with his hand, turning it so he could see his face. “It’s ok, I didn’t wanna pull away either, but I also don’t feel like having to wash the makeup off my face… again.”
Joker chuckled, more so at the red paint staining his Knight’s lips, chin and the tip of his nose. “Too late. May I, uh, suggest baby wipes?”
Bruce smirked back before giving him a peck on the cheek and leading him through the large penthouse to his room. Joker wasn’t surprised to see the expensive looking… everything; the bed was covered in a navy blue comforter and had gray sheets underneath, the deep blue curtains were covering the large window across the room, and the other furniture was a dark mahogany.
“If it’s not too much to ask, would you mind, uh, showing me your real face?” Bruce asked him cautiously, knowing his clown didn’t go anywhere without makeup on.
Joker wasn’t sure how to respond; he wanted to, but he was afraid that seeing his facial scars clearly would end everything; people had a habit of running away from the man with the gruesome scars. He licked his lips in thought, vaguely noticing how Bruce’s dark eyes followed the movement, before nodding and nervously inhaling; his tongue pushed against his inner cheek when his other nervous tick made its appearance. Bruce offered a hand out to him and, when Joker took it, pulled him toward the bathroom.
“Do you… want me to go?”
“No, it’s fine,” Joker stepped further inside the (large) bathroom to allow his Knight through the doorway. He was handed a small bottle of face cleaner and a washcloth; he tried to hand the cloth back to the other man but Bruce wouldn’t take it, saying he didn’t care if it got stained. Joker twice folded the cloth into a medium sized square and poured a small amount of the cleaner onto the square. He brought the cloth up to his face and wiped his forehead, revealing his natural olive skin; he then wiped the black makeup away from his forest green eyes, and the white from his nose and upper cheeks.
He avoided looking in the mirror as he poured more cleaner on the clean side of the cloth and wiped away his Glasgow grin, knowing his scars were completely visible to Bruce. After he wiped away the makeup from his chin and neck, he turned to face Bruce nervously. ‘Moment of truth, I suppose,’ he thought, his heart racing.
Bruce stepped closer to him, cupping Joker’s cheek with his hand. Joker closed his eyes as he felt Bruce’s thumb caress the scar on that side.
“That doesn’t hurt, does it?” Bruce was concerned, he didn’t want to have accidentally put his clown in pain; he’d caused enough hurt in the last couple months, he didn’t want to do any further damage. He released a breath he hadn’t realised he’d been holding when Joker shook his head and opened his green eyes.
“No, it’s just… people usually just look at me with fear and find excuses to leave. I’ve heard them all, including one about someone’s dog calling them,” Joker admitted, trying to lighten the mood slightly.
Bruce frowned and opened his mouth to say something before closing it again. Joker prepared himself for his Knight to toss him out and was surprised when he instead began kissing his scars. Bruce lightly traced the jagged scars with his lips before reaching the light lips at the middle; without makeup, they were a light tan color and were soft for a guy who constantly had greasepaint covering them. He placed the hand that had been on his clown’s cheek on the back of his neck, gently holding him in place.
Joker smiled into the kiss, wrapping his arms around Bruce’s neck to pull him closer. “Thank you,” he whispered against his Knight’s lips.
“You’re welcome,” Bruce murmured back.
~~~~~~~~~
Joker had been told to make himself at home while Bruce went to work the next morning; he had also been told not to burn anything, but he hadn’t been planning on doing that anyway. For once in his life, he actually wanted someone to like him and not stop liking him. Which meant he’d have to hold back the urge to create a bomb and just… blow something up.
So, he decided to spend most of his day wandering around the large penthouse, to try to learn more about the billionaire vigilante than what anyone could find by doing an Internet search.
He’d only been awake for an hour when his plans ended in the kitchen; he had to admit, he’d never had as many breakfast choices as he had now. To his relief, he was alone in the kitchen as he opened and closed cabinets to see what food was there. He didn’t want to impose too much, as he wasn’t quite sure exactly how long the welcome would last, so he found a box of cereal (Bat Charms) and was about to pour the milk for it into the bowl when he heard the door open.
~~~~~~~~~~~
Alfred stepped inside only to pause when he saw the scarred man staring at him as though he’d been caught. Alfred knew instantly who the man was, no one would ever be able to forget the scars, but he wasn’t scared; he couldn’t be when he’d known the man had stayed the night and was going to hopefully stay many more.
“Good morning, Mr. Joker,” he greeted in his kind yet professional way. “Did you sleep well?”
Joker shuffled nervously, placing the carton of milk on the counter in front of him. “Morning,” he replied quietly, clearing his throat. “Yeah, uh, I did. Thanks.”
Alfred nodded, stepping carefully toward him; he didn’t want to startle him or come off as a threat. “If you’d like a hot breakfast better, I could make you something.”
Joker glanced at the box of cereal he’d put on the counter along with the milk before looking back at the older man. “I, uh, didn’t want to… impose…”
“Oh, it’s no bother. Master Wayne told me to make sure you felt comfortable here and got almost anything you wanted. Although, I do think he was kidding when he said to hide the knives,” Alfred quipped with a smirk.
Joker chuckled and nodded, grabbing the milk and cereal to put them back in their places. “Well, in that case, what are my options?”
“Anything you wish, sir.”
Joker thought for a moment before gaining the courage to ask for the one breakfast he hadn’t had for years. “Pancakes?”
Alfred nodded and began moving around the kitchen, preparing the requested food. “You can go relax, Mr. Joker, and I’ll bring you your food when it’s done,” he assured him.
Joker nodded shortly before leaving the kitchen and finding his way to a room with a smaller table and only four of chairs. He assumed this was Bruce’s personal dining area; sitting at one of the seats, he rested his elbows on the table and folded his hands under his chin. He was really starting to like Alfred and was glad he hadn’t killed him the last couple times he’d been to the penthouse. The older man had a certain wise charm that Joker couldn’t quite name but knew he liked.
As though his thoughts had summoned him, Alfred entered the room and placed a plate of perfectly round pancakes in front of Joker along with an assortment of toppings.
“I wasn’t sure what you wanted to go with them, so I brought you different toppings. If you’d like anything else, just shout,” he gave a slight bow before stepping out of the room.
‘I don’t know how he got them so perfect, but I know it had something to do with magic,’ Joker jested to himself as he poured maple syrup over the stack and covering them in powdered sugar.
~~~~~~~~
Joker made sure to stack his now empty dishes on the end of the table; he was cleaning any mess he’d made off the table, more out of personal habit than anything else. He’d always been forced to clean after he ate or drank or did really anything.
“Mr. Joker, I just want to remind you that it is my job to clean,” Alfred’s voice sounded behind him, amusement clear in his tone.
Joker turned to face him and shrugged. “Old habits, and whatnot,” he said sheepishly.
Alfred gave him a kind smile before grabbing the dishes out of his hands. “I assure you, old habits are not as tricky to put an end to as most would think,” he nodded at the scarred man before once again exiting the room.
~~~~~~~~~~
Time had passed as Joker explored the penthouse, and after lunch he found himself standing in front of one of the large windows in the ballroom he’d come to know too well. In all his time in Gotham, he’d come to realise that he’d never really looked at the city, not in the day at least. He knew it was large, but from Bruce’s building it also seemed electrically alive.
He was so distracted by the city, he didn’t hear the elevator open or the footsteps that followed. The arms that suddenly wrapped around his waist from behind startled him, but he relaxed when he smelled the familiar cologne of his Knight.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you,” Bruce murmured in his clown’s ear. He’d finally been able to get out of the meeting with a potential client and had rushed home, hoping his clown hadn’t left. He was pleased to see the familiar slouched figure standing in front of a window, wearing the same blue-ish purple hexagon-patterned shirt and deep purple slacks he’d worn yesterday.
“It’s okay, I’m just glad it was you. You have no idea how terrified I’d be if you’d been Alfred,” Joker chuckled, sinking back into the taller man’s chest. He felt more than heard Bruce’s chuckle, and grinned at the deep sound.
“So, how was your day? What did you do to amuse yourself?” Bruce asked curiously as he turned Joker around in his arms so they were facing each other.
“I just looked around, rummaged through your kitchen, came to realise that Alfred’s really wise,” Joker said casually.
Bruce grinned at the vague answer, although he knew exactly what he meant by Alfred being wise. “Yeah, he’s something alright. As I’m sure you know, he’s kind of been my only parental figure since my parents… passed.”
Joker wasn’t quite sure how else to reply besides nodding slightly. It suddenly occurred to him that the way Alfred acted seemed almost fatherly; he wouldn’t really know firsthand how a father should act, but he was sure it was close to how Alfred acted with Bruce. His thoughts were interrupted by Bruce’s soothing voice.
“Did you want to get your things from your, uh, hideout?”
Joker had forgotten about that, but agreed he probably should get his things. He realised that his henchmen would either be waiting or gone. “I, uh, forgot that I had a whole team of criminals working for me. I should probably send them all home,” Joker grimaced as he tried to think of something to tell them. ‘They’d probably laugh me outta the city if I said I was retiring for a billionaire. Although, it’d be worse if I said it was for Batman,’ he thought with annoyance at the idea of them losing the fear he’d inspired merely because he’d fallen in love.
“Why not just tell them you’re taking a vacation to make sure you don’t get bored, but you’ll let them know if and when you need them again,” Bruce suggested, head tilting slightly, somehow seeming to read his clown’s mind.
“Are… are you, uh, suggesting that I’ll be needing them again?”
“Well, this city needs both hero and villain. It shouldn’t have to matter that the two happen to also be lovers,” Bruce pointed out with a suggestive smirk.
“Mr. Wayne, I believe that harboring a wanted criminal is illegal,” Joker teased.
“Apparently, so is dressing up as a flying rodent,” Bruce retorted, brushing his nose against Joker’s playfully. Joker chuckled and leaned into Bruce’s chest, effectively giving him a cuddling hug; Bruce smiled and held him there, kissing his clown’s head lightly. The green dye that had covered his light brown hair was fading and Bruce suspected he would be dying it again soon.
They stood in each other’s arms for a few heartbeats longer, until Bruce decided he wanted to change into more comfortable clothing. Joker followed him into the bedroom as his Knight stripped off his suit; by the time they stepped into the room, Bruce had taken his jacket, tie and shirt off and tossed them sloppily onto the ground next to the laundry hamper.
Joker gasped lightly when he saw the bruises and scars scattered across his Knight’s back and shoulders. “H-how many of those were, uh, from me,” he asked in an apologetic murmur. He wasn’t surprised that he had scars but the amount that were there and how severe they looked had startled him.
Bruce, who had began rummaging through his closet, looked up at him with a slightly confused expression before he realised what his clown was referring to. “Not too many, you haven’t been attacking me as… harshly as you used to,” he assured calmly,though he was telling the truth.
Joker winced nonetheless as he thought back to the days when he thought his feelings for Batman were those closer to hate. He supposed the reason it hurt him now was because he’d forced himself not to think about the pain he’d caused his Dark Knight.
“Hey, trust me there are no hard feelings between us,” Bruce comforted him before giving him a smirk that could only be described as saucy. “Well, there is one thing.”
Joker chuckled, feeling a blush threaten to spread across his face; to his relief, it didn’t. Bruce had turned back to his closet digging before stepping into the bathroom, seemingly finding whatever he’d been looking for. Joker took the opportunity to make a quick phone call to his henchmen.
“Boss! You alright?! We was worried you’d gotten captured by the Bat or something,” his favored of the small “organization”, as he called it, shouted excitedly into the receiver.
Joker had to giggle slightly at how close the assumption was. Regaining composure and trying to sound as normal as possible, he threatened, “Not, but if I hear about any of you, ah, going against me, I’m gonna make sure to set a specific example for the rest of you. Got tha-t?”
He could practically see the fearful expression that should be plastered across his man’s face. He couldn’t help but grin at the thought of the fear, but shrugged it away so he could hurry and give his instructions to the man. “Alright, now, listen. I want you to round up about, ooh, five other guys and meet at the new Gotham General around, say, nine-ish. I won’t be meeting you all there, but believe me I’ll be watching closely. What you’ll be doing is sneaking in to take three filled bottles of pain meds, a bottle of pancuronium bromide or Pavulon, and a pack of syringes. Drop them off at the joke shop at midnight, preferably behind the counter, and then go home. If there is one thing missing, the six of you will all be shredded. Understand?”
He heard a slight rustling and assumed the man had nodded, not entirely realising he wasn’t being seen. “Y-yes, sir.”
Joker was about to tell him to also grab medical tape, but he was suddenly unable to form words. Bruce had walked out of the bathroom at that very moment in nothing except dark blue basketball shorts. Joker cleared his throat slightly and managed to mumble a distracted “Good, good” before hanging up and dropping the phone next to him on the bed.
“What do you need pain meds and an anesthetic for?” Bruce asked, not quite noticing how his clown was staring at him. Had he noticed, he likely would have imagined him drooling.
Joker tried clearing his throat again, hoping he could distract himself enough to be able to hold conversation without staring at the muscular and tanned chest of his Knight. “Oh, uh, n-nothing right now, I just thought I’d have it around, uhm, just in case,” he managed to stutter out.
Bruce, stepping over to his previously discarded suit, bent at the waist to pick the clothes up and place them in the hamper. Joker couldn’t help but smirk a little as he glanced at the billionaire’s ass, but looked away as he turned back around.
“In case of what,” Bruce asked, stepping closer to his clown. Joker looked up to see his Knight’s waistband just in front of his face.
“I-in case we need, uh, to, uh, tend to wounds,” Joker stuttered, feeling his mouth slightly water. Bruce leaned forward, causing Joker to fall back onto his elbows. ‘If I’d known I had been sleeping next to this man last night, I would’ve acted on… well, all of my urges,’ he thought, licking the inside of his cheek along one of the sensitive scars.
“Or do you just like to keep your men in place,” Bruce’s throaty question sent shivers down Joker’s spine at the entendre in his words.
He decided to figure out what exactly his Knight was trying to lead them into. “Uhm, Bruce? I know you’ve probably realised this from the moment you put those shorts on, but, uh, you’re very hot. And you’re being very not subtle about coming onto me.”
Bruce’s eyebrow raised at the implication, noticed how his name seemed to roll off his clown’s tongue, and smirked in a vaguely evil way. “So you’re saying that we have two hot men in a bedroom, one on the bed and the other half naked, and they haven’t started to do anything yet? Huh, I’m shocked… and you’re horny,” he growled suggestively.
Joker groaned, feeling his pants grow tighter than they already were and realising that they’d soon become painful if he didn’t take them off. Before he could move on his own to do anything, he was being pulled back into a sitting position, finding himself much closer to Bruce’s crotch than he had been before. His mouth watered and he couldn’t stop himself from placing his hands on his Knight’s hips and pressing his lips against his stomach.
Bruce moaned lightly as he felt his clown’s scarred lips kiss languidly down his stomach, the sound becoming more of a growl as those lips neared his throbbing cock. Joker took the waistband of the dark shorts between his teeth and looked up at the billionaire with a fake innocent look, winking suggestively before tugging them down and sliding to his knees on the floor.
“Fuck, Jay,” Bruce groaned in euphoria as Joker wrapped his lips around his hard cock, his cheeks hollowing slightly as he sucked once before pulling back slightly. He inhaled sharply as his tongue swirled around the tip, his mind completely going blank with pleasure as he felt a hand slip down and squeeze his balls slightly. He tangled his hand into Joker’s surprisingly soft hair and tugged his head back sharply, causing him to let out an aroused mew. “How’s that gag reflex?”
“What gag reflex,” Joker purred, knowing exactly what Bruce would do next.
His Knight didn’t disappoint him as he thrust forward harshly, his cock being forcefully thrust down Joker’s throat. He paused a moment to let his clown adjust how he was sitting so that he wouldn’t be knocked over before he started slowly fucking his throat. Joker giggled around the large cock as Bruce picked up speed, choking only a couple times due to his giggling; he couldn’t help himself, the image of himself being face-fucked by the rich playboy amused him.
But it also aroused him, causing his own cock to ache with need; he used the hand that wasn’t currently squeezing his Knight’s hip to undo his pants and slip down the front to try to relieve the pressure. He matched the speed of his strokes to Bruce’s thrusts, making himself moan as he teased the most sensitive spot on the underside and running his tongue along the same spot of Bruce’s.
“Oh, god, Jay. I’m close, I’m so close,” Bruce rambled, his words slurred with his oncoming climax. Through the fog of arousal, he noticed the obscene sounds Joker was making, the wet popping sounds and slight choking especially moving him. He felt his balls tighten and knew he couldn’t hold his climax off any longer; he came with a grunt, the warm liquid spurting down Joker’s throat.
His clown swallowed as much of Bruce’s cum as he could, but some had managed to escape his mouth and he could feel it dripping down his chin. Bruce growled slightly at the sight of his cum on his clown’s chin, but when he saw the mess Joker had made on the floor he went wild.
Gripping Joker’s shirt by the collar, he shoved him back onto the bed and tore it open, tossing it to the floor where a few buttons had clinked down. He climbed on top of the smaller man and roughly pressed his lips against Joker’s, his hands tugging the purple pants completely off and tossing them with the skirt.
“Jay, I’m so fucking turned on,” he growled into Joker’s ear, nibbling on his neck just below his ear. Joker bit his lip and moaned, his back arching into his Knight’s chest, as his neck was attacked with Bruce’s tongue and teeth.
“Then what are you waiting for, my Knight,” he taunted breathlessly. “Fuck me already!”
Bruce growled in his clown’s ear before hooking his thumbs inside the waistband of Joker’s purple and green striped boxer briefs, tugging them down teasingly slow as he continued nipping and licking his way down to his clown’s collar bone. Joker couldn’t help but let out a harsh sigh of relief as his painfully hard cock was released from the tight fabric of his underwear, the sharp exhale turning quickly into yet another moan as Bruce sucked on the skin just above his nipple.
“I’ll fuck you… when I feel that you’ve begged enough,” Bruce growled, his teeth suddenly digging into Joker’s shoulder and causing his clown to let out a surprised bark of laughter. He couldn’t help but notice the way Joker’s hips spasmed more at the pain than at anything else; he decided he could use that knowledge to his own advantage.
Joker attempted a growl of his own, the sound sounding strained, and shifted under his Knight; although he’d been asking for it, he wasn’t begging. And the Joker doesn’t beg, so he informed his beloved of this fact.
Bruce glared playfully at him and shoved his fingers roughly into the mass of green-tinted hair, yanking him off his back and onto all fours. Joker didn’t fight back as he felt the mattress shift behind him, feeling warm fingers caress his sides lightly. “Oh, believe me, you’ll be begging,” Bruce promised, smirking as he dug his nails into his clown’s hips, enjoying the aroused whine Joker let out.
“Nope,” the clown objected breathlessly. Bruce shook his head even though his clown couldn’t see and once again burying his fingers into his curly hair, this time pulling him up onto his knees. Resting his chin on the shorter man’s head, he held one shoulder in one hand and used the other to graze over Joker’s hip, coming close to but avoiding his hard cock.
“C’mon, J. You’ll have to give in soon, and no, I’m not gonna let you help yourself,” Bruce smirked, his hand stopping its movement to rest just above Joker’s shaft.
“Fuck,” Joker cursed under his breath, knowing his Knight was right and that he couldn’t suppress his needs; he pressed back against Bruce, teasingly grinding his ass into the other man’s bare crotch, grinning when he heard the low groan that made Bruce’s chest vibrate slightly against Joker’s back. “Bruce,” he whined, knowing he sounded very much like a cheesy porn star.
Bruce moved the hand that had been on Joker’s shoulder so he was able to flick his finger over the hardened nipple. “Not good enough,” he whispered into Joker’s ear.
“Please, please fuck me, Bruce! I need it, please,” Joker begged as Bruce’s nails scratched up his side; his back arched as the pleasure pain sent shivers down his spine and straight to his leaking cock. He suddenly found himself on all fours again as Bruce pushed him forward, and he spread his knees further apart for his Knight. He heard the familiar sound of a condom wrapper being opened and moaned when he heard the slick sound of lube being spread.
“Do you want me to prepare you or would you prefer doing it yourself?”
Joker smirked even though he knew Bruce couldn’t see it. “I think the question is, do you wanna finger me or do you wanna watch me finger myself?”
Bruce hummed in thought for a heartbeat before responding. “I’d love to watch you do it yourself, but I’d also like for this to not end quickly,” he teased, spreading leftover lube around two fingers.
Joker gasped when he felt a cold finger penetrate him and lowered his head to his now folded arms, now feeling the digit slide out to be replaced by two. A breathy moan escaped his throat when the two fingers thrust further into him, scissoring open to stretch his tight hole. A third finger joined the other two as Bruce sped up the pace, earning a squirm and a loud moan when he brushed against Joker’s prostate.
“Now would be a, uh, great time to use that thick cock of yours, Batsy,” Joker growled breathlessly. He knew he wouldn’t be able to wait any longer, his cock twitching in anticipation.
Bruce slipped his fingers out of his clown’s hole, replacing them with the tip of his latex-covered cock. He gripped one of Joker’s hips with one hand and put the other on his clown’s shoulder for leverage as he slowly pushed himself deeper inside Joker’s ass. “Tell me when you’re ready,” he murmured in Joker’s ear.
“For fuck’s sake, just fuck me!” Joker’s needy growl sent shivers down Bruce’s spine and he thrust forward forcefully, burying his shaft fully inside Joker’s tight hole. Joker’s back arched as he grinded back on his Knight’s cock, drawing a strangled groan from the taller man.
“God, why haven’t we done this sooner?” Bruce breathed as he froze in place to let Joker’s hole adjust to his size.
Joker chuckled breathily, “I assume it’s ‘because I’m a psycho murderer?”
“No, not psycho,” Bruce corrected. “But the whole murderer thing probably didn’t help.”
Joker laughed again before pushing back against Bruce. “Enough talk, let the fucking ensue!”
Bruce chuckled, though the sound had a growling undertone, and pulled out so just the tip was inside his clown. “If you insist, Jay,” he replied. Joker let out a gasped cry as Bruce thrust forward quickly then repeated the thrust over and over, creating a rhythm of hard thrusts.
Bruce’s thrusts came faster as he felt Joker tighten around him; Joker moved with each thrust, his teeth digging into his own arm, which muffled his aroused cries of assorted expletives. Bruce, his mind reminding him of Joker’s masochism, dug his fingers into his clown’s hips. Joker gasped and moaned, his own fingers clutching at the dark comforter.
“I know you can do a lot better than that, doll,” Joker taunted, his voice bouncing from his Knight’s hard thrusts. His hand gripped his own cock when he felt the fingers on his hips tighten; a surprised yet aroused yelp escaped his throat when teeth suddenly sunk into his shoulder, and his hand began pumping his cock for the second time that afternoon. He vaguely felt nails scrape his sides, but was too distracted by the euphoric tingling in his shoulder and his own right hand pumping his shaft.
His aforementioned hand was suddenly pulled off his cock and placed back on the comforter, only to be replaced by the taller man’s hand. Bruce’s lips, no longer on Joker’s shoulder, were pressed against his ear. “I let you touch yourself once, Jay, but it’s my turn now,” he murmured huskily. Joker whimpered submissively as his Knight’s hand moved insufferably slow along his length.
“Please…,” Joker trailed off helplessly.
“Please, what?”
“P-please let me cum,” Joker pleaded, thrusting his hips into Bruce’s torturous palm in attempt to gain more friction.
Bruce continued with his slow strokes, the leisurely speed of his hand contradicting the wild thrusts of his hips, and Joker wasn’t sure how long he could last. “Bruce, I can’t… I can’t hold it back. Oh, god!” He yelled as his Knight hit his sweet spot, whines escaping his throat as he hit the same spot three times more. His warm cum spilled over Bruce’s hand as he moaned loudly, lean body shaking with his euphoria.
Bruce’s own climax rushed over him as he felt his clown’s muscles tighten around him. He bit into the soft flesh of Joker’s neck, releasing him only a moment later when they came down from the blissful high. The billionaire rolled off to Joker’s side, pulling the slightly smaller man into his arms; they were laying the wrong way on the bed, chest to back, smiling contentedly.
“My ass is gonna be very sore,” Joker murmured sleepily. “And I have to go get my things from the joke shop.”
Bruce chuckled, happiness rolling over him as he fully comprehended that his clown was in his arms and entirely nude. “I could go get everything if you’re too tired,” he offered.
Joker rolled over so he could press his face into his Knight’s chest. “Thanks, but it’ll have to be me. The, uh, boys would be suspicious if they saw the Batman grabbing my things. They’d probably shoot if they saw Bruce Wayne. No, I’ll go later.”
“Didn’t you tell them to go home after dropping the stuff off? I wouldn’t even have to deal with them if I went.”
Joker gave him a meaningful look. “The day those idiots actually listen to me will be the day the murder rate of this city hits zero,” he joked, smirking at his Knight.
The two fell asleep holding each other in their arms.
~~~~~~~~~
Joker stepped into the joke shop just after eleven that night, his coat’s collar pulled up to hide his bare scars. He found the bag of medicines where he’d told his lackeys to leave it and grabbed it as he walked to the room he’d been sleeping in. He then proceeded to find one of his duffel bags and packed the few belongings he had inside of it; nine days’ supply of outfits, five of which were what most would call his “costume,” a large assortment of socks, two pairs of shoes and makeup (greasepaint and regular). He hid the medicine under the barely folded clothing and zipped the bag, placing it on the small bed and grabbing a smaller duffel bag.
He tossed his large assortment of knives into the second bag along with the few guns he had before turning to debate whether he should bring the grenades and larger weaponry with him. ‘Maybe he could put it in the batcave,’ he thought, subconsciously pulling out the cell phone with Bruce’s number on it. He debated the idea, holding the phone in his hand, before finally hitting call.
“Hey, do you need me to pick you up?” Joker smiled as soon as he heard Bruce’s smooth voice over the phone.
“Well, uh, yeah, but I also have to ask about a couple of things,” he replied, pacing slightly as he spoke.
“Sure, what are they?”
Joker cleared his throat before saying, “A few grenades and a, uh, bazooka. Oh, and I just found a flame thrower. Huh, didn’t know I had that.”
He heard Bruce’s chuckle over the phone and was about to ask what was funny before his knight replied. “We can put them in the cave, just be careful with the grenades. Why the hell would you have a flame thrower?”
“I dunno, sometimes I take stuff I don’t need. And I’m always careful with grenades!”
Bruce chuckled again. “Alright, well I’ll be waiting in the alley next to the bakery. Just give me about five minutes.”
“Alrighty, see you then, Brucie.”
“See you then, Jay.”
Joker disconnected the call with a grin before putting the grenades in the second bag and zipping it up. He grabbed the bazooka, its ammo and the flame thrower and placed them carefully in a separate duffel bag, checking to make sure the safety was on both weapons before doing so. ‘This is not going to be fun to carry,’ he thought with slight aggravation as he stared down at the three bags he’d have to carry the block to the bakery.
He pulled the bag with his clothes and makeup over his head so it rested against his hip, then crossed the one with his knives over so it was on his other hip. He shifted both so they wouldn’t hinder his ability to walk before grabbing the last and heaviest bag and walking to the front door. He looked back to quickly check that he’d grabbed everything important and walked out the door with some difficulty. Sighing, he began his walk to the deserted dessert shop. ‘Heh, punny,’ he jested to himself.
~~~~~~~~~~~
Bruce sat behind the wheel of his silver Lamborghini as he waiting for his clown to arrive. He’d only just pulled into the alley next to the bakery, but he didn’t feel comfortable on this side of the city at least not without the suit. The Narrows were definitely not the place for a billionaire, nor a billionaire who’d spent most of his money trying to “fix” the lives of the Narrow inhabitants. Apparently the deed he’d thought was generous and kind was taken as extreme insult by most.
So, he had good reason to be concerned about being here for long; it wasn’t everyday a sliver Lamborghini drove through the littered streets and someone was bound to notice eventually. He knew Joker was the prince of the Narrows, but Bruce had apparently gotten into the habit of worrying about his clown.
‘Speak of the devil,’ he thought humorously just as sad clown came into view. Bruce immediately raised an eyebrow as he opened the passenger door from the inside. “Whatever happened to liking the simple things,” he joked nodding his head at the three filled bags.
Joker delicately placed one of them behind the passenger seat before sitting down and removing the remaining two bags from around his neck. “Compared to your closet, this is nothing,” he retorted, dropping the smaller of the two to his feet and looking at the open door to the car for a moment. He looked back at Bruce with a vaguely bashful expression. “I, uh, don’t know how to close the door, Brucie.”
Bruce smirked before reaching over him and tugging the door down. He moved back slightly, stopping to place a small kiss on Joker’s lips before sitting back in his seat. He clicked on his seat belt then looked at Joker, who was smiling and fiddling with a zipper on the bag in his lap. When the car didn’t move, Joker looked questioningly at Bruce.
“Buckle your seat belt,” the billionaire instructed only to receive an exasperated look. “It’s for your safety, just put it on.”
“Fine,” Joker grumbled, rolling his eyes as he clicked the strap over himself. Bruce held back a smirk as he pulled out of the alley and drove quickly down the road. “You seem nervous about something. Everything okay?” Joker’s concerned question broke the momentary silence of the car.
“People on this side of the city don’t exactly welcome my kind to their streets,” Bruce admitted, glancing at his lover from the corner of his eyes.
Joker frowned but nodded, knowing he’d been one of those people when he’d first arrived in Gotham. “People here don’t generally want to change who they, uh, are. If they did, they’d work hard to better themselves and get to your level. Crime is something you only get away from if you really want to, if you have something or someone that can convince you to change.”
Bruce nodded, feeling slightly touched that Joker would share that much with him, though he had come to learn not to read too much into the things he said; with as many attempts as he and the police force had made to get information about the clown, they still had nothing.
“What if they had an opportunity to have a steady income, nice home and safe life? Isn’t that better than risking their lives to steal money and moving from building to building?”
“It’s not really about the money, not entirely. For many, it’s about the thrill, the excitement. The-the fireworks! Why do you think I blow things up all the time? Honestly, it’s not like I have a hostage for every single explosion. No, I do it because it’s exciting, it gets the adrenaline pumping and the heart racing,” Joker explained, arms waving excitedly.
Bruce could kind of understand what he meant, though most of his excitement came when he donned the suit to stop such crimes, but he couldn’t help but (finally) admit to getting a certain thrill when he had to avoid getting blown to pieces by Joker’s “fireworks.”
“That actually makes sense,” he said, sitting back in his seat as they finally passed into a more rural part of the city. He turned onto a street he knew lead to the Batcave before turning his head to see Joker was watching him with an unreadable yet familiar expression. “Listen, Jay, I’m not going to tell you to stop doing things that make you happy, but I have to ask that they not end with corpses. If we’re going to be together I don’t want there to be any bodies, okay?”
Joker nodded. “I’d do anything to not lose you. But, uh, perhaps there should be some exceptions? Such as if someone is threatening your life or if it was an accident?”
Bruce gave him a small smile. “Maybe. We’ll see.”
“I will take that as a yes,” Joker beamed, restlessly shifting in his seat.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
“What do you mean I can’t try out the flame thrower down there?! Your cave is like one giant, flame resistant playground! It’s not like everything’s made of wood and would burn to the ground!”
Joker’s whiny complaining echoed through the large ballroom of the penthouse as he and Bruce stepped out of the elevator. They’d arrived back there after finding places for the grenades, flamethrower and bazooka, but had been discussing his means of having acquired the weapons during the drive. Upon entering the building they had transitioned into his knowledge of how to use said weapons and just as they reached the penthouse Joker’s suggestion of them trying out the flamethrower in the cave had been shot down.
“Because when you play with fire you get burned, and I don’t want to risk anything,” Bruce insisted as he headed immediately to his room. Joker followed with his remaining two bags, continuing to try to persuade him to change his mind even as Bruce changed into his pajamas and got ready for bed.
“What are you doing?” Joker asked, having finally given up on his previous cause.
“Uhm… getting ready to go to bed? What else would I be doing?” Bruce asked, wiping away the excess toothpaste from his mouth and turning to face his clown.
“I dunno, I thought you were going to, uh, patrol the streets,” Joker shrugged, dropping the bags to the floor in front of a chair in one corner of the room as he draped his coat over the arm.
Bruce shrugged, walking out of the bathroom and leaning against the door frame wearing the same dark blue basketball shorts as he had earlier. “Well, you’re here so I’m pretty sure the city will be safe for tonight. That is, if you’re actually planning on staying,” he said quickly, not wanting to make the wrong assumption.
Joker smiled smally before stepping up to his knight and kissing him on the cheek, leaving a red smear in his wake. “I’m not going anywhere,” he murmured assuredly.
“Good,” Bruce grinned. “But if you want to sleep in my bed you’ll have to take off the makeup.”
Joker smirked but went into the bathroom to do exactly that. He somehow found himself being more and more comfortable around Bruce without the makeup; he supposed it had only been strange at first because he’d worn it for so long that it was practically stained on his skin. ‘Maybe it’s the same for Brucie and the cowl,’ he thought as he stared at the less tired looking man who stared back at him in the mirror. He noticed his green eyes were shining with a new life and the dark bags under his eyes were almost gone.
‘Well, I guess domestication has done wonders for me,’ he thought happily. ‘Or maybe it’s just love.’
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
(Time skip! 1 month later)
Bruce was hosting yet another party, however the guests had no idea who the special guest of the evening would be. They were, however, aware of the charity they were donating to; all funds raised would go to innovations on Arkham Asylum and it’s staff.
The dark-haired man in question was currently standing in front of his bed in his room, fixing the sleeves of his shirt and jacket as he listened to the muffled sounds of the party. Once he was pleased with his clothing, he glanced at the half-closed bathroom door and sighed impatiently. “C’mon, hurry up. Everyone’s waiting for me to show and announce the guest of honor.”
He heard shuffling before the door opened fully to reveal his beloved wearing a halter-style crimson ball gown that showed off his muscular yet feminine shoulders and arms with black heels; his eyes were lined with black eyeliner with smokey eyeshadow and his lips were covered in a bright red lipstick, though his scars were left uncovered. His light brown hair, still tinted a light green toward the tips, was cleaned and brushed. Bruce smiled at his man who smiled back smalley.
“Bruce… are you sure they’ll accept me? I mean, I’m kinda the thing that haunts their nightmares,” the shorter man said nervously, smile fading.
“You’ve shown them that you’ve changed, they know that you’ve decided to stop terrorising them. If anyone says anything… well, then they can go fuck themselves,” Bruce assured him, pulling the skinny man into his arms. “Besides, I’m sure they have enough faith in me to know I wouldn’t put everyone in danger.”
The smaller man snorted but nodded as they stepped apart. “Fine, let’s go,” he murmured anxiously.
Bruce nodded and led them to the end of the hallway, stepping out in front of the other so they’d only see himself, gaining the crowd’s attention by clearing his throat. “Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to thank you all for coming and donating to Arkham’s innovations. Now, I’m sure you’re all wondering who my guest of honor is, but before I announce him I have to ask you all keep as open a mind as possible. He is a great man, one who I’m sure is going to be as much a help to this city as I try to be. You all know the old him, but you have yet to get to know the new him. Ladies and gentlemen, tonight’s guest of honor, Jack Napier.”
He turned to the side and held out an arm for Jack to take. The crowd was a mix of scared and angry murmurs as they saw the man they once knew as “the Joker” step out on the arm of their favorite son. Jack’s hand squeezed Bruce’s arm as he nervously smiled at the crowd.
“What the hell is he doing here?! He doesn’t belong here, he belongs in Arkham!” A man in the crowd shouted over the rumbling murmurs, followed by similar comments and agreements from half of the crowd.
Jack flinched and his mouth opened slightly as though he wanted to say something, but before he could speak he released Bruce’s arm and ran back into the bedroom. Bruce glared at his guests, who had decided to split up into two groups based on their opinions of Jack, and followed after his lover. He closed the door softly and looked around until his eyes found the curled up form of his clown in the far right corner of the room; stepping toward him, he heard sniffling and saw Jack’s shoulders shaking with half-suppressed sobs.
“Jack… Shh, it’s okay, sweetheart,” Bruce murmured as he sat next to him, wrapping an arm around his shaking back.
“I-I told y-you-oo. They’ll never accept m-me,” Jack said between sobs. He leaned into Bruce’s side, though his head was still buried in his arms atop his bent knees.
Bruce pulled him closer, using his other arm to enclose him in his arms. “Even if they don’t now, they will one day. Otherwise, we can go anywhere and be anyone we want. I don’t care where we are or who we’re with so long as I have you, Jack.”
Raising his head from his arms, Jack searched his eyes and smiled when he apparently found was he’d been looking for. “Thanks, Bruce,” he sniffed, giving him a peck on the lips.
~~~~~~~~~
Barbara Gordon had been one of the quiet guests at the party, standing next to her Commissioner husband as they all saw the guest of honor announced. Although she knew the Joker had been the town’s most hated demon, she also knew that Bruce Wayne and the various doctors and judges would lie about him turning good. So, while almost half of the guests were shouting and berating him, Barbara watched his reaction.
She had seen how nervous and worried he’d been when he stepped out from behind Bruce; even from the slight distance she and Jim had been standing, she could see he was clinging to Bruce’s arm like his life depended on it. As soon as the man (she couldn’t tell who it had been) had began the rude shouts, she saw fear and sadness make their appearance on his features. A motherly pang of sympathy went through her heart when he rush back down the hallway; finally turning away, she noticed that Jim seemed unsure of what to do or say.
“Jim, he’s a changed man. He doesn’t deserve this,” she pleaded determinedly to her husband over the sounds of angered complaints from the one half of the guests.
Commissioner Gordon paused for a moment as he thought over the situation. Just like his wife, he’d seen the fear evident in the young ex-terrorist’s eyes, but after the amount of time he’d seen the clown wreaking havoc on his city he was a bit reluctant to feel any sort of forgiveness for him. It was in that moment, and with his wife’s pleas, that he found he was finally able to give Jack a second chance.
“Alright, everyone! Be quiet and listen up! Jack Napier is not the same man as the Joker, though they share the same body. He is a good citizen who made mistakes and is making up for them and I’m not going to allow you to harass him anymore. So, if you have a problem with Jack, feel free to leave and stay away from him,” Gordon shouted to the room. The guests who had been verbally abusing Jack mostly sheepishly went into hushed groups to consider the Commissioner’s words and have their normal polite discussions.
Barbara turned back to her husband and smiled thankfully at him. “Oh, Jim, I knew you could find it in your heart to give the boy a chance. Now, let’s go talk to him. I think he needs to make some friends to get through these barbarian’s assaults.”
She led the way down the hall to the closed bedroom door, gripping Gordon’s sleeve tightly with one hand, and tapped gently.
~~~~~~~~~~~
Bruce and Jack were still huddled on the ground, though Jack’s tears had slowed yet not entirely stopped, when there was a light knock on the door. Jack tensed, obviously expecting the rowdy guests to riot against him physically, but Bruce rubbed his back gently.
“Who is it?”
“Bruce, sweetheart, it’s Barbara and Jim. We just want to make sure Jack’s okay,” the muffled voice of Barbara Gordon replied. Upon the acceptance of their request the married couple walked through the door. Barbara immediately walked slowly over to Jack’s unoccupied side and knelt down beside him; Jim closed the door and remained standing awkwardly near it, though he seemed more uncomfortable with the prospect of having to somehow be comforting rather than who he would be comforting.
“Hello, Jack,” Barbara began softly, gently placing a hand on the distraught man’s bare shoulder. “I’m Barbara Gordon, we haven’t officially met. It’s lovely to finally meet the man that’s stolen Bruce’s heart.”
Jack sniffed and smiled smally at the middle-aged woman. “T-thanks, Mrs. Gordon. It’s good to meet you too,” he said, though his voice was quiet enough to be a whisper.
She gave his shoulder a slight squeeze and smiled. “You can call me ‘Barbara’. Now, Jack, I saw how… nervous you were when you first stepped out and I know that the group of snot-nosed, barbaric idiots out there didn’t help. At all. I just want you to know that if they do it again, Jim here will send them away and I’ll give them a mothering that’ll make them want to stand in the corner and write an essay of apology to you.”
Jack laughed and slowly stood when both Barbara and Bruce offered their hands to him. The latter wrapped his arm protectively around his lover’s waist and the group left the bedroom, the Gordons in the lead. The remaining guests, who had returned to the party activities, looked at the group as they re-emerged and most smiled reassuringly at Jack. Bruce leaned down to whisper in his lover’s ear, “I’m expected to mingle, but if you want me to stay with you I will.”
Jack shook his head and gave his Bat a slight nudge. “No, no. Go mingle, I’ll be fine here,” he whispered back. Bruce nodded and walked off with the Gordons, leaving Jack to stay in the corner he’d deemed his safe spot. He was far enough from the other people to be left alone but not too far away so that he’d be too out of place; he already had the scars to make him more noticeable.
After an hour had passed, Jack had created a sort of pattern to how he acted. He would remain by the refreshments table when no one else was near it, but then would quickly move back to the corner when someone came closer. He was currently back in the corner with a flute filled with chardonnay when he felt a presence behind him. A tanned hand landed on his shoulder lightly causing him to jump; he turned his head and saw that the man in question was the detective who seemed to always have been the one to watch him when he got himself caught.
“Detective Stephens? A-am I in your way or something?” Jack asked nervously, knowing everything the man would (and should) have against him.
“Not in the slightest, Jack,” Stephens replied with a gruff yet warm voice. “I just want to say that you have nothing to fear from anyone here. We all have accepted that you’re a changed man and that you truly are sorry for everything you’ve done in the past. Now, go mingle with your playboy before he dies of boredom.”
Jack smiled and nodded before shaking the detective’s hand and went out further into the room to find his Bruce.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The End!
Thank you for reading! I can’t express how happy I am to have people enjoy my writing.
If you have any requests, I am still 100% willing to write BatJokes, just send me a message and I’ll get back to ya as soon as possible.
Love y’all!
Please don’t copyright or I’ll send Mistah J after ya
#batjokes#batman x joker#the dark knight#tdk#tdk imagine#the dark knight imagine#smut#lemon#oneshot#enemies
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Ruthlessness
by DefinitelyNotStraight Timothy Drake is an Addams, and this changes many, many things. Also known as: the Addams Family in Gotham, Jack Drake died mysteriously, and Tim is even more feral Words: 1863, Chapters: 1/1, Language: English Series: Part 3 of Unhinged Batfam One Shots Fandoms: Batman - All Media Types, Red Robin (Comics), Addams Family - All Media Types Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Categories: Gen Characters: Tim Drake, Janet Drake, Jason Todd, Bruce Wayne, Talia al Ghul, Gomez Addams, Morticia Addams, Wednesday Addams, Pugsley Addams, Grandmama Addams (Addams Family), Damian Wayne, Fester Addams, Dick Grayson Relationships: Tim Drake & Jason Todd, Janet Drake & Tim Drake, Wednesday Addams & Tim Drake, Talia al Ghul & Damian Wayne, Talia al Ghul & Jason Todd Additional Tags: Good Parent Janet Drake, Alternate Universe - Addams Family Fusion, Tim Drake is an Addams Family Member, Dead Jack Drake, Murder, Addams Family Levels of Violence, Lazarus Pit Side Effects (DCU), Lazarus Pit Mad Jason Todd, Talia al Ghul Tries, Good Parents Gomez Addams and Morticia Addams, BAMF Tim Drake, Janet Drake Lives, BAMF Janet Drake, Addams! Tim Drake, Feral Tim Drake, Oops what a convenient car accident that only killed Jack Drake, Janet Drake is an Addams, Tim is possessive, Imagine if Tim had people at home but also genuinely encouraged his stalking, Tim Drake is the Vigilante Harpy, Dead Joker (DCU), as he should be, Fester: Tim your Robin is alive, Fester: the Al Ghuls have him, Tim: :) on an unrelated matter, I'm going to the middle east, Janet is so proud of him oh my god, Feral Janet Drake, I will never stop writing Black Widow Janet Drake via https://ift.tt/wDJatEz
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Bats and Bones
read it on AO3 at https://ift.tt/mk3VBvl by berryspancakes87 The Addams Family moves to Gotham, and chaos ensues. or... The Addams Family is driven out of their home and finds comfort in Gotham, much to the dismay of the Bats. Words: 465, Chapters: 1/?, Language: English Fandoms: Addams Family - All Media Types, Batman - All Media Types Rating: Mature Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings Characters: Bruce Wayne, Tim Drake (DCU), Batfamily Members (DCU), Wednesday Addams, Morticia Addams, Gomez Addams, Pugsley Addams, Dick Grayson, Damian Wayne, Jason Todd, Enid Sinclair, Duke Thomas, Fester Addams, Grandmama Addams (Addams Family), John Constantine, Justice League (DCU), Barbara Gordon Relationships: Wednesday Addams/Enid Sinclair, Gomez Addams/Morticia Addams, Bernard Dowd/Tim Drake/Kon-El | Conner Kent, Dick Grayson/Wally West, Bruce Wayne/Selina Kyle Additional Tags: Family, Batfamily is a Mess (DCU) read it on AO3 at https://ift.tt/mk3VBvl
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