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kaybreezy3000 · 2 months ago

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It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year

~ Number Five X Female Reader Insert ~

A life with Five Hargreeves is always full of fun surprises but bring on the holidays and watch out.

~Tags and Warnings: explicit sexual content, fluff, flirting, humor, family, You x Five, Daddy Five, co-written with @badkitty3000

Chapter One: Your Sharp Dressed Man

As you stumbled in the back door, your snow-covered heels started slipping out from under you the second you hit the hardwood floor. “Ohhh-sssshhhh! Help, Five!” you cried, teetering backwards.

Only just now realizing you were home, Five immediately dropped the cheese he was grating, blinking himself across the kitchen to catch you before you fell.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t see you pull in,” he apologized, while trying to unburden you of all the boxes and bags you were holding. “What is all this stuff?”

“Quiet!” you shushed, worried your son in the other room would overhear. “It’s stuff for Christmas,” you explained. “Hide those somewhere before he comes out here.” You gestured to two of the larger boxes in Five’s arms as three other bags slipped from your grasp, landing at your feet.

Blinking again, only a few seconds later, Five reappeared, free of all the presents. He smiled, marveling at your inability to get yourself out of the mess you had somehow managed to get yourself into.

Still trying to untangle yourself, your car keys and travel mug dangling off two fingers and your purse weighing heavily at your neck, you glared at him. “A little more help please.”

Unfazed by your visual daggers, kindly coming to your aid again, Five eased four more bags off your arms, eyeing them skeptically. “Did we really need to do more shopping? I thought we were done.”

“We…didn’t do any shopping,” you corrected as you rubbed the blood back into your arms, then set your hands at your hips. “If I recall our trip to the mall, you disappeared right away and found yourself a cozy bookshop to hide in while I wandered around all by myself trying to pick out nice things for your enormous family. So, thanks for nothing, you big jerk.”

“Hey…” Five scrunched his eyes, trying to look insulted, but really, that wasn’t that far from the truth. “Who says I didn’t shop?”

Tripping over the bags on the floor, you brushed your lips against Five’s over exaggerated pout. “I do, because I know you. You hate shopping, and when you came strolling up to me in that huge toy store, I could smell the coffee and old books all over you.”

“Fine, you caught me,” he conceded, his smirk growing as he prepared to substantiate your belief that he hadn’t done any shopping, not even for you. “But isn’t me smelling like coffee and musty old books better than me smelling like strippers and bad booze?”

“Marginally better,” you said, then smiled, because you knew Five had no interest in ogling naked women unless that naked woman was you.

As you planted another tiny smooch on his waiting lips, Five quickly fastened his hands on your butt, so he could prolong the kiss. Pulling you off balance, one of your stilettos lifted off the floor, coming down a second later, loudly popping a hole in a shipping bag, startling you both.

With his advance foiled, Five looked down at your feet. “What is all this crap? It looks like you brought home three of the exact same, hideous looking shirts.”

You grinned diabolically but Five didn’t see it because he was angrily kicking your purchases away from your feet.

“Hmmm,” you hummed, your fingers slowly moving up the firm expanse of his chest, stopping to toy with the collar of his dress shirt where he had it unbuttoned just enough to show some skin. “It smells so good in here.” You leaned in, applying a few gentle kisses to the sexy protrusion of his Adam’s apple. “You smell good too,” you seductively added. “Looks like someone’s trying to get lucky tonight by looking all hot while making me my favorite dinner.”

Five rolled his eyes as he dropped his head back so you could get at more of him. “I’m insulted you think I would stoop that low just to get some ass. Especially when we both know you’ll give it up for me, dinner or no dinner.”

“DAD!” your son shouted from the living room. “When is the food going to be ready? I’m hungry!”

Automatically pulling away from him, Five let out a high-pitched sound of distress, sounding so much like his discontent son. “Kids,” you tiredly huffed, looking back at your husband’s overdone look of disappointment.

“We could ignore him,” Five hopefully suggested.

“Awww,” you soothed, your hand playing at the back of his neck, fingers threading through his neatly combed hair. “Don’t worry. There will be plenty of time later to find out just how willing I am to give it up, and for you to fill me in on your day, but right now, we better feed the monster in there before he blinks himself out to get Taco Bell.”

Knowing all too well that thanks to him, your seven-year-old son could easily do something like that, but also thinking about how he could get what he wanted, Five’s lips pulled to the side. “If I move fast, I could fill you in right now…”

In case you weren’t already aware of what kind of filling he was referring to, Five rolled his hips against yours while giving your ass a hard slap.

“Oh, really,” you giggled, jolting against him. “I do love it when you fill me in, but first thing’s first.” Smirking, you gave him a condescending pat on one of his nice taut butt cheeks. “Be a good boy and go serve us up some of that mouth watering food, and I'll let my other sweet guy know it’s ready.”

“Fine,” Five grumbled as he turned back to the stove top, sullenly whisking his bubbling concoction of creamy cheeses.

~~~

“This was just what I needed tonight,” you said, stretching your legs under the table as you savored your last sip of wine. “Thank you for making such a wonderful dinner for us, Mr. Hargreeves. You are unable to do anything half ass and I love it”

Taking your plate back to the sink, Five smiled to himself. He couldn’t be happier. He was living his dream retirement. He finally had a real home, and getting to play Mr. Mom while being your trophy husband was more than he could have ever wished for.

Making nice meals when you got home was one of his absolute joys. Of course, your compliments flaming his insatiable ego didn’t hurt. That, and how you’d be repaying him later for his efforts.

Speaking of which…

Just as Five finished loading the dishwasher, before he could get his hands on you and blink you upstairs, you bent down, picking up your discarded packages.

“Really, what are those ugly things?” he asked, his eyes on the red and white striped pile of clothes in your lap.

Your face lit up. “They are our matching outfits for this year’s Christmas card photo.”

Five’s smile instantly evaporated. “No.”

Your grin got bigger. “Yes,” you excitedly chirped. Further appalling him, you stood up, letting him see the true extent of your horrendous plan.

Unfolding in front of your body was what appeared to be an adult sized pair of footie pajamas. If that wasn’t bad enough, they were striped like candy canes, with the added addition of smiling cat faces mixed into the ridiculous print that extended from head to toe.

“You’re delusional if you think I’m wearing that,” Five said, shaking his head as he leaned back against the counter, lifting his glass full of Scotch to his mouth.

“Awwww, come on!” You twirled it around, showing him the back of the ensemble, as if seeing that you’d bought butt-flap pajamas was going to somehow help change his mind.

However, thinking of all the fun he could have with you while wearing those, biting the inside of his cheek, Five couldn’t fully contain the twitch of his mouth or how his dimple deepened.

“No,” he said again, as sternly as possible.

Frowning, you dropped the outfit, stomping over. Knowing how to get your way with your husband, you pressed your body against his, your hands sneaking into the front pockets of his fitted slacks.

Pretending not to care that you were feeling him up, Five took another drink of his Scotch, uncouthly choking on it when you started caressing his dick.

“Please, Fiiivvve,” you begged, your slightest touch already getting him hard. “I’ve always wanted one of those funny family Christmas photo-cards like everyone else sends out.”

Clearing his throat, Five set his empty glass down on the counter. Taking your hand from his pocket, encasing it in his, he forced you to grip him even tighter, moving your hand up and down his shaft.

He glanced down the hall towards the living room, then cocked his chin at you. “I love to hear you beg, darling, but nothing you say or do is going to change my mind. I wouldn’t be caught dead in those stupid pajamas.”

“Really?” you challenged, moving your hand a little faster.

He laughed. “Yes, really, and if the Lego king wasn’t out there, probably about to come back in here and tell us he’s already hungry again, I’d have you on your knees, shutting you up with my dick in your mouth.”

“Maybe I want your dick in my mouth,” you breathed, really getting into it, your palm moving over the entire length of his cock before coming back to fondle the protruding fabric covering the girthy heat of his deliciously swollen tip.

“Oh, Fuck, you are relentless…” Five groaned. “I never said we couldn’t do a family picture for your card, I am just not wearing that.”

“Please,” you pushed.

Five looked over at the pile of clothes laid out on the table. He took in a long, unsteady breath, his hips jutting into your hand as he leveled you with one of his menacingly sexy looks. “I am a suit man, and only a suit man. Always was and always will be, and you trying to make me cum in my pants isn’t going to change that.”

You lowered your hand, gripping his balls. “And you look so hot in these suits of yours, sweetheart. But what if you try something else, just once? I promise it will be fun. You’d look handsome in anything you put on. Pretty please, do it for me?”

“SHHHeee-It!” Five loudly groaned as you tightened your grip.

With your teeth sinking into your lower lip, and that dreamy look in your eyes, and your hand back on his cock, massaging… He was so fucked.

“NO!” he gruffly barked, determined not to back down. He gripped the counter behind him to keep from thrusting into your hand. “You knew damn well before you brought that junk in this house that I wouldn’t wear it.” His eyes droopily fluttered closed as his lips parted on tiny hitched breaths.

Not giving him a moment to regather himself, you kept at it, increasing the friction of your hand over the expensive wool covering his erection.

Five sucked in a sharp breath as he grabbed the back of your neck, his power crackling violently as he spontaneously blinked you both upstairs. As soon as his polished Oxfords hit the floor, he chucked you on the bed.

“I hate when you do that,” you dizzily whined, your body still mid-bounce off the mattress.

“Sorry,” Five laughed, not sorry at all. “Time is of the essence; I promised our son I would finish reading him The Christmas Carol before he went to bed, but that’s not happening until we settle this first.”

Climbing over you, Five pushed your legs apart with his knees, his hands racing to undo his dress pants, but only enough to free his cock. Shoving your panties aside, he took aim, rubbing his tip over your slit, getting himself slicked.

“Please, Five,” you moaned, not sure what you were begging for anymore when he started prodding your clit with his glistening shaft.

Weren’t you just talking about cat pajamas? Or was it his dick in your mouth?

“Oh-fff!” you cried out, when he bottomed out inside you with no warning.

Wincing with pleasure, Five hissed his own song of curses but he didn’t let himself enjoy the ecstasy long. Gritting his teeth, he pulled out half way. Pants bunched around his knees, his fingers digging into the backside of your thighs, he started pistoning his strong hips, working the ring of his engorged cock head back and forth across your g-spot.

“Yes, yes, yes,” you helplessly chanted with each shallow thrust.

Sitting up a little, flipping his head back to get his hair out of his eyes, Five smirked. “That’s it. Take daddy’s cock like a good girl. I’m the one that wears the pants around here, not some stupid fucking adult onesie and you better not forget it.”

Pumping you harder and harder, he ruthlessly worked his fingers over your clit. Head thrown back as you moaned his name, you quickly fell over the edge, trying to muffle your moans with your pillows so your son didn’t hear you from the living room below.

Your orgasm still ripping through you, a few seconds later, Five spilled his seed as deep inside you as he could, losing all his momentum as he nearly collapsed on top of you in a dizzying wonderment of pleasurable shudders.

Catching himself at the last second, elbows buried in the blankets next to yours, Five gave you a sloppy kiss, then pulled away with a happy smile. “Why don’t you take a nice relaxing bath, my love? When I’m done with my other daddy duties, I promise I will be back to really rock your world.”

You tried to form a reply, but your mind and body were so fucked already, you couldn’t; making Five feel even more certain that he had made his point. He wasn’t going to wear Christmas pajamas. He was the daddy there, after all, with decades of seniority over you to back up that claim.

~~~

“Good,” you said, quickly checking the locks on the tripod, before you set the camera settings to allow you to use the small remote in your hand. “Stay just like that. It’s perfect except for that look on your face, Five. If you don’t smile on your own, I am going to make you,” you warned.

Your son looked up from where he was sitting on his bean bag, taking in Five’s sulky expression. His identical green eyes narrowing, your little boy’s brows knitted together, mimicking his dad’s look perfectly.

Stuck in a standoff he knew he couldn’t win, Five begrudgingly twisted his features into something much less sour looking, but it still wasn’t great.

“Just smile dad,” your son exasperatedly sighed. “It’s not like it’s the end of the world. It’s just a picture. Just do what mom says like you always do, and we can be done faster.”

After being put in his place by a grade schooler, Five took a long drink from the crystal tumbler he was holding, letting the amber liquid burn as he formed his reply.

He cleared his throat. “Apparently you two aren’t seeing my vision for this one.”

“And what’s that?” you asked.

“I’m going with the classic, man of the house look. Which, I would like to remind both of you, I still am, last time I checked.”

Like a hawk tracking its prey, as he had been doing most of the morning, Five was eyeing up the small amount of cleavage you were unable to cover due to the low neckline of your outfit. His wandering eye only made your chest heave up and down even more with giggles.

“I don’t need to smile. Stoic and amazing has always been my look,” he calmly continued, before tipping back his drink again.

Despite the speech and his stupid reasoning, he knew all too well that you were going to win this one; just like you’d won and got him in the stupid cat pajamas he was wearing.

Well… You’d mostly won.

Getting dressed while smirking at his reflection in the mirror, Five had pulled up his footie pajamas, putting them on backwards so the buttoned-up ass flap with the giant cat face on it was covering his crotch instead of his butt. Seeing that he at least had it on, you let him keep it that way.

With everything finally at the ready, your husband’s handsome grin in place, you sprinted over to your family, positioning yourself behind Five’s chair, with one hand resting on his shoulder.

“We are doing several shots guys,” you said as your fingernails dug in, “so keep smiling, damn it.”

Trying to sound scary as you purposely clawed your husband, he smiled.

The room filled with the bright flash of the camera. You hit the switch several more times before sprinting back to check the digital image to see if you got one that would work for your Christmas card.

“Five! I am going to-!”

Instead of going off on your husband, or further tainting your son’s innocent ears since the headboard banging against the wall the night before had been bad enough, you held your tongue. Marching over, you plunked yourself down on Five’s lap, making you all into one big mishmash of red white and white striped cat pajama Hargreeves madness.

“Ready, kiddo? I’m going to make your grumpy old dad smile if it’s the last thing I do.”

Five tensed just as you started sneakily tickling him between the legs with one hand while the other hit the rapid fire button on your remote.

With that well timed move, you got your perfect picture.

~~~

A few hours later, while you and the rest of your guests were out in the kitchen getting more hors d'oeuvres and drinks, Diego and Five sat in opposite armchairs, in front of the crackling fire.

“You look like an asshole. You know that right?”

Five looked over at his brother, contemplating blinking behind him so he could flip his chair backwards. The itch to smear Diego on the floor was getting harder and harder to ignore because this was about the twentieth time he’d pointed out his ridiculous Christmas onesie.

Seeing that it was the holidays, and not wanting to hear a lecture from his loving wife, Five refrained from throttling his brother. You had invited his family over to have a small get-together before the larger one that Luther and Sloane would be hosting the next day. He promised to behave, and it was very important that he kept his promises, lest he risk facing the repercussions of your kittenish wrath.

That was the reasoning Five was using to keep his ire in check, but when Diego kept staring at him, like he expected him to answer, he finally snapped. “I am very aware of what I look like,” he testily informed him. “This is my damn house and if I want to look like an asshole, then that’s my business, so shut your trap about it already.”

Hearing his brother defending his silly choice of party attire so vehemently, Diego smiled. Seeing Five like this was something that he never thought he’d witness in a million years. You and his son were the best things that could have happened to the Hargreeves family’s slightly unhinged time traveler, and they all loved you.

As your voices in the kitchen drew nearer, fresh drink in hand, Klaus sauntered in wearing his own hideous Christmas sweater, paired with a very nice, flowy red skirt. “What are we chatting about?” he asked, sprawling out on top of the bean bag that was sitting in front of the Christmas tree.

Diego laughed. “Oh, you know, just how Five became the world’s biggest push over.”

“I wore this by choice,” Five dryly retorted.

“Sure you did,” Diego chuckled back, downing the rest of his cocktail as he looked over at you and Lila coming back to join the party. “Just in time, babe.”

Reaching out, he took the refilled glass Lila was handing him. Taking a sip, he immediately sprayed a fine mist of his beverage all over himself.

“Damn woman! Are you trying to get in my pants later or kill me?” he questioned, his mouth puckering from the 100 proof liquor she just served him.

She eyed him with her usual look of enamored disdain. “If I wanted to get in your pants, Diego, I wouldn’t waste my time getting you plastered first. I’d just tell you to drop your pants, and you’d happily comply like you always do. As for killing you…well, you’ll just have to risk it.” She clinked her glass with his. “Cheers, babe.”

Nodding like he thought her logic was reasonable, Diego took another drink, this time, not making as much of a disgusted face about it. “Very true,” he agreed while pointing to Five. “See. I’m just fucking with you. It’s totally fine to be pussy-whipped. Even if that means you look like a big man baby who doesn’t know how to dress himself.”

Five glared at his brother. “I know how to dress myself, you idiot.”

“No. No you don’t, dude. Your dorky outfit is on backwards, and even more interesting is that you cut the feet off the bottoms. What’d you do? Have another growth spurt?”

Grinning over their exchange of brotherly wisdom and slights, you approached Five. The sparkle of mischief in his eyes had you instantly worried.

“You mean the hatch doesn’t go in front?” he asked you, his dark eyebrows drawing together in confusion. “How else is a guy supposed to get to his junk in these things?”

Covering up little Gracie where she’d fallen asleep on the couch, Lila let out a loud snort, and before Diego could say anything else helpful, Five had his arms around your waist, pulling you down over his lap.

His hand smacked across your ass with a throbbing thwack, thwack, thwack, as he shamelessly spanked you in front of everyone.

“See, darling?” Five taunted. “This is what you get for making me wear this dumb shit!”

Hearing the commotion from where he had been squeezed in next to Grace, playing with the action figures Uncle Klaus brought him, your son looked over. Way too familiar with you both being embarrassing weirdos, he grabbed his headset and his tablet off the coffee table, going right back to ignoring all the adults.

With you squirming and laughing hysterically, taking you with him, Five vanished, leaving an intense burst of static in his wake. Thinking about how much he didn’t want to make you sick, but not thoroughly thinking through the new addition of his evil plan, Five landed his jump inside the front hall coat closet, only a few yards away, within earshot of your guests.

Stumbling into him in the dark, having been one second bent bottoms up over his lap, and now being turned upright on your feet, your hand flew to your mouth. “Oh, lord. I think I might throw up.”

“Sorry, my love,” Five lied. “Agreeing to wear this adult sized infant wear comes with a price and railing you in this closet is part of your punishment.”

“You already spanked me!”

“Yeah,” he laughed, “and the huge boner I am sporting because of that is a large part of why we are in here now rather than me waiting until later to attack you.”

“Five?” you shrilly whispered, but he quickly covered your mouth, muffling anything else you could say. His other hand came around to your front, holding you with your back against his chest as you got your bearings in the dim light creeping in from the crack under the door. “We can’t do it in here!” you frantically mumbled against his fingers.

Pressing you up against the coats, his whisper came out hot against your ear. “Yes, we can. I’m going to fuck you right here and now to teach you a lesson about picking out my clothes. While I’m at it, I might as well make use of these stupid butt hatches.”

“I knew you liked your jammies,” you accused as you shoved your rear end back into him, forcing him to let go so you could spin around and wrap your arms around his shoulders.

Diving right in, Five replied while feverishly kissing your neck as his hands glided around your waist.

“These are like wearing body condoms,” he complained as he frantically searched between your legs for a way in but couldn’t find one. Growling, he pressed his face against your neck, the sharp points of his teeth grazing your skin as he said, “Looks like you're getting it the old-school way.”

Before you could comprehend what that meant, Five started rubbing his erection against you at a jarring pace, humping you like the heartbreakingly lonely and sexually frustrated teen he had been while stuck in the apocalypse with nothing but Dolores and his hand to keep him busy.

“Oh-mmm-my-gah-god, Fff-ive,” you stammered.

Greedily squeezing your butt, your hilariously horny husband finally remembered your pajama hatch was on your backside. Before you could tell him not to, he tore the flap open, the buttons tinkering somewhere in the dark, the goofy cat face that had been decorating your ass now presumably hanging limply at your knees.

Freely exploring the curves of your bare ass since you’d skipped underpants to avoid panty lines, Five’s brain took even more of a vacation. Doubling down, he spun you around, pushing you up against the wall. Dark objects clunked against the walls and rained down on your heads, the hangers screeching along the rail as your coats tumbled to the floor.

“I’m all for a good dry hump,” Five teased, now that he had you pinned how he wanted, “but it would be such a shame not to use this handy-dandy back door you’ve got here. Hence why I have mine positioned backwards.”

“They are going to hear us,” you warned, getting confirmation that he’d put his clothes on backwards on purpose.

“I don’t care,” he breathed, kissing the back of your neck, all the while knowing that the only one he cared about hearing him fuck you was wearing headphones.

“That feels so gah-good,” you whimpered as he groped your chest and suckled your ear lobe.

Fumbling with his own buttons, Five anxiously pulled his dick out, then wrapped his other arm around your midsection, fingering you from the front while he rutted himself between your warm butt cheeks.

“Bend over a little,” he ordered, impatiently trying to stick himself inside you, but finding he couldn’t quite get the right angle.

More things fell to the floor as you tried to curl in on yourself, the wall hitting your forehead as heavy wooden hangers clattered to the floor.

There was no way someone didn’t hear that, but wantonly ramming your butt against Five dick made it clear that you didn’t care either.

Just as Five managed to find the right position to slip himself into your heavenly tight sleeve, the latch on the old door he had been leaning on gave in. Not expecting the door to burst open like it was, Five came crashing out with you falling backwards on top of him. At the sound of your yelp of undignified terror, everyone’s heads spun your way.

Rolling to the side with him still in the big spoon position, you saw that Five’s chocolatey dark hair was standing up in every direction, and no matter how fast he got his flap back up, there was no fooling the crowd. You tried to help save the situation by backing your ass up against Five’s big boner, but based on Lila’s amused expression, it was a lost cause.

You were already laughing so hard you were crying, but your tears got worse when Five’s nostrils flared, a whistling sound of desperation coming out of him that made him sound like a dying animal.

Trying to fix the situation, Five attempted to blink away with you again, but you saw it coming in his frantic clenching of his hands and the telltale clench of his jaw. Not wanting to go for another ride, you broke away from him, quickly getting your feet under you before taking off into the living room on slippery, cotton covered heels.

Forced to blink without you, crazed at this point, Five reappeared in the middle of the room, over-rotating out of his portal. He grabbed for you, but with no grip on his feet, he was unable to stop his forward momentum. Tripping over your son’s bean bag, you both went flying, falling into the Christmas tree, knocking it down with an impressive explosion of airborne pine needles and breathlessly panted profanities.

A rainbow of glass bulbs skittered across the room as you lay there in a tangled mess. To make it all the merrier for your guests and your frazzled husband, there was sparkling tinsel from the tree flung everywhere.

Springing forward from his spot on the couch, Klaus burst out laughing. “Holy shit! You two are amazing. Five, I fucking love you, you crazy bastard! You guys sure know how to throw one hell of a Christmas party!”

Seeing that his parents were being dumb as usual, kicking his short legs out into the space his uncle just vacated, Five’s tiny-look-alike son slowly rolled his eyes to the ceiling, then went right back to his video game. Next to him, Grace stretched her little body out and yawned, sleepily looking around. “Mommy… Is Uncle Five being a tosser again?”

From her new position in Five’s abandoned recliner, Lila nodded. “Yes, he is, sweetie. Now go back to sleep.”

Picking up one of the dozens of ornaments that were littering the living room floor, Lila flicked the shiny ball, bouncing it off Five’s head. Adding insult to injury, he could do nothing to stop it from hitting him because his hands were still occupied trying to cover up his and your private parts.

Still lazily toasting his feet by the fireplace, Diego looked to Lila. “Next time I say we do Christmas at our house, just go with it.”

“Why?” she laughed. “I’m with Klaus. Best Christmas ever.”

“Fuck,” Five huffed, trying to blow a glittery piece of tinsel out of his face. Giving up, he flopped backwards, trying to hide himself in the pile of presents. “Sorry,” he groaned so pitifully that it only made everyone laugh even harder.

Klaus raised his glass. “Cheers to another blockbuster Hargreeves Christmas! It’s never a dull moment with you two sexy perverts around.”

Faking a gag, Lila tipped her drink to that while Diego continued to shake his head. “Can we just take a moment to ponder the fact that this asshole here is supposed to be the genius in the family?”

“Shut up, Diego,” Five mumbled.

“No, seriously. If you…the dumbass in the backwards cat pajamas that tried to bone his wife in the coat closet…is the smartest of us…that might explain a lot of things.”

Rolling his head to the side, the boxes under him crunching, Five looked his way. “What things?”

Diego shrugged. “I don’t know. Off the top of my head, I’d say things like your failed time traveling, getting your family stuck in the 1960’s, mistakenly dialing back your age by quite a few years. Although, that one probably worked in your favor, seeing as how your wife probably wouldn’t be interested in banging your wrinkly old ass.”

Raising your arm, you gave a thumbs up of agreement to that, Five tackling your single digit of approval back down in a feisty game of thumb war.

“That’s it! Say your prayers, asshole!” he growled to his brother, after you let him beat you. Jumping up to beat the shit out of Diego, your reenergized husband forgot that his front dick flap was still undone.

Accidentally exposing himself to his entire family again, suddenly a bright flash of light filled the room, blinding everyone.

As soon as you could see through all the little black and white stars floating in front of your face, you looked next to you, thinking Five would be gone, but he was still standing there, hands covering his crotch, gaping like a fish.

Grinning, Klaus held up the camera remote.

“Merry Christmas, my dearest sister-in-law. There’s your card for next year!” he yelled as he dashed away, trying to escape the murderous clutches of his red-faced brother.

Chapter Two: When Number Five Steps Out, He's Gonna Do You In

It was December 30th and Five was sitting in his living room, enjoying the quiet of the house after all of the craziness of Christmas. Glad that this time of year was finally coming to an end, he tipped his head back against his chair and let out a long, tired sigh.

It wasn’t that Five hated Christmas, or the holidays, or spending time with his family. But if someone were to come to him right now and tell him that all holidays that required family gatherings were now canceled, he definitely wouldn’t argue with them.

All he wanted to do now was stay home with his wife and son and not have to interact with others or leave the house. After all, he was in his seventies now, despite the fact that he didn’t look a day over twenty-five.

Shouldn’t that mean he was entitled to indulge in some old man activities?

A few days of sitting by the fire in his robe and slippers, doing sudoku puzzles, and watching The Weather Channel were sounding pretty good.

“Yeah, ok…meet here tomorrow around noon?” your voice echoed from the hall. “I have plenty of food and drinks for the kids and us. We can go sledding and then you can stay for dinner and drinks until midnight. See you then!”

You came walking in as you hung up the phone. Sitting down on the couch, you gave Five one of your excited smiles that slowly evaporated when you saw his face.

“What?” you innocently questioned.

Five did not look impressed. “Even though I know what you’re going to say, darling, who were you talking to?”

“Lila. I asked her, Diego and Grace to come over tomorrow for New Year’s Eve. We can take the kids sledding and ice skating.”

Five ran a hand down his face as he groaned dramatically. “Are you fucking kidding me?”

“What? Sledding is fun!”

“No,” Five deadpanned. “No, it is not. It’s the furthest thing from fun, actually.”

You frowned at him. “It’s the holidays, and you’re supposed to spend time with family and do fun winter activities.”

Five threw his hands in the air. “We did spend the holidays with family! A week ago, for Christmas, remember? I assumed that meant I did my required time and now I can be left alone to do what I want to do. Which involves a lot less dragging sleds up freezing cold hills and a lot more mid-day naps in this chair.”

“Five, really…get over yourself,” you said, laughing at him. “It’s not going to kill you to spend a day with your brother and his family, and take your son sledding.”

“It might. You don’t know that,” he replied, still looking entirely serious.

As you huffily stood up, placing your hands on your hips, Five saw the signs that he was about to lose the argument.

“We are going sledding, and we are going to spend New Year’s Eve with Diego and Lila. Because you know why?”

Five assumed that was a rhetorical question, but when you kept standing there, waiting for an answer he narrowed his eyes. “I bet you’re going to tell me,” he grumbled.

“Because for the past month I have busted my ass to do everything around here, making sure we all have a magical holiday, while all you have done is eat all the cookies, complain, and try to fuck me in a closet and ruin our Christmas tree! So, I think the least you can do is suck it up for one more day.”

Five went to open his mouth but he was cut off. “I swear to god, unless what you’re about to say is along the lines of ‘yes, dear,’ then I advise you to shut up,” you snapped.

Five closed his mouth again, looking both pissed off and also resigned to the fact that his wife had won yet again. He sat back in the chair with his jaw clenched tight, looking adorably baffled.

Seeing that, you smiled, relaxing a little. “Look, I know this isn’t your idea of fun. But if you can just make it through without trying to murder anyone, I promise I will make it worth your while in the end.”

Watching you walk away, Five had his doubts that anything would be good enough to make sledding worth it in the end, but that didn’t mean the gears in his head weren’t spinning.

Thinking of his New Year’s resolutions list, he grinned.

---

The next day, you and Five were standing at the top of a sledding hill, ankle deep in fresh snow, as your son waited patiently for Five to push him down the hill in his new sled. Even though Five loved watching his son having fun, he was still not thrilled about the chosen activity for the day.

He turned to you with a grumbly expression. “You know, I walked around hauling Dolores and all my shitty things with me for 45 years, so wrap your head around that when trying to understand why I am not interested in doing this kind of shit for fun.”

You rolled your eyes. “Stop complaining. I bet at least your feet aren’t freezing right now.” You looked down at your boots. “I should have listened to you about that second pair of socks.”

Five jut his chin haughtily. “You should have listened to me about staying home, but yes darling… Rule number one of winter survival: you can never have on enough socks.”

“Well, since you’re Mr. Prepared For The End Of The World, can’t you give me one of your extra pairs before my toes fall off?”

He shook his head. “As much as I normally love hearing you ask me to take my clothing off, this time it’s a big fat no. You didn’t want to listen to me before, so now you have to face the consequences, so you learn your lesson.”

“You and your lessons,” you grumbled. Smirking, you glanced down to where Five had the sled tied to his pants. He clearly did it so he could better pull the weight of your son and keep his hands free if his boots slipped out from under him, which right then they did. Arms flailing, with you laughing, Five found his balance again followed by a loud curse.

“Five…” you giggled. “Your survival skills truly are impressive, and I love you for that, even when you look like a dork. You’re so sexy, sweetie.”

Five shot you a wicked grin that was all white teeth and bite. “Oh… If you love me so much, then why don’t you let this sexy dork sneak you off into those pine trees over there so I can warm up those cold feet of yours.” He playfully quirked a brow, then added, “Skin on skin contact brings on the heat, all survivalists know that. Add some friction and your blood will really get moving again.”

Finally trudging back up to the hill with her daughter on the sled she was tugging along behind her, Lila overheard that and said, “Yeah, you would know, Captain Hands In Your Pants.”

Just as Five was opening his mouth to retaliate, your son toppled off the back of the sled, sliding down the icy slope on his back. “Help!” he shouted, slipping halfway back down the hill on the hard ice.

Five looked over at you, your arms whirling because you’d just lost your footing too.

“God damn it,” Five huffed, reaching a hand out to steady you.

“You got him, daddy?” you breathed, hands still out, your body clumsily poised and ready in case the icy surface got the better of you again.

“Yes,” Five grated out while turning around to go save his son.

As soon as he started down the hill, Five slipped on his ass and proceeded to slide the rest of the way down, like an angry man-sized starfish. Helplessly gliding down the slippery slope, he made a show of loudly threading together as many expletives as possible.

Once he was able to right himself again, and he set his son back on the sled, Five started lugging him up the hill, still cursing to himself.

Like a light bulb turning on in his head he was suddenly hit with an epiphany.

“Wait a damn minute…” he muttered as he stopped. He rolled his eyes. “Jesus, I’m an idiot.”

He looked down at his snow-covered gloves, the faintest blue glow emanating from them.

“Why not? Screw it”

In a whirling flash of blue, Five snatched up his little boy, just as he was about to fall off the sled again.

Landing at the top of the hill, looking down at the rest of the gang that still hadn’t finished getting to the top, Five crossed his arms over his chest, while giving you all a cocky grin.

Standing only halfway up the hill, having witnessed the whole thing, you threw your hands up in the air in frustration. “What the hell? That’s not fair!”

Five shrugged, his smirk growing. “Sorry, darling, all is fair in love and war. Or in this case, horrible winter activities.”

Landing next to him in a flash of blue light, Lila stuck her landing much more smoothly than Five had, beaming at him with her own self-satisfied smile.

“I didn’t give you consent to steal my abilities,” said, glaring at her. “That’s a violation of my body and privacy.”

Lila laughed. “Don’t flatter yourself, you little kinder-shit. I wouldn’t violate that body of yours with a ten-foot pole.”

Five sneered. “We’ve all heard your whole ‘anything you can do, I can do better line,’ but you and I both know that’s bullshit and that you will never be better than me.”

“Is that a challenge?”

“Maybe it is.”

While they were squaring off, the rest of your group finished making it up the hill, out of breath and mildly annoyed.

“Would it have killed you two to maybe bring your spouses along for the ride? Just saying, it would have been nice,” Diego huffed as he pulled his daughter up next to him on her sled.

Lila glanced over at Diego, waving a dismissive hand. “You know you’d get motion sick if I jump with you, so quit whining.”

She opened her mouth to go at Five again, but before she could, you piped up. “I may not like getting thrown through the blender of time and space that much either, but it would be better than-”

Cutting you off, Five made a snapping mouth hand motion at you with his mitten, which did not go over well with you, but before you got a chance to express your displeasure, Five was back at it, barking at Lila.

“I bet my son and I can make it to the bottom of the hill before you and Grace are even half-way down. What do you say? Up for a race?”

“That’s not fair,” Lila complained. “You have more weight on your team. I may not be a self declared genius like you, but that’s just simple physics and an unfair advantage, you cheater.”

Five smirked. “Fine, I’ll give you a head start.”

Lila’s own grin became even more devious looking. “So, what do I get when we win?” she questioned, as if she and your husband were talking about something much more serious than a sled race.

“The winner will be declared the official King of this Mountain and the loser has to buy the next round of hot chocolate,” Five smoothly retorted before adding, “And using any powers is an automatic disqualification. So, just keep that in mind when WE win.”

“You’re on, old man.”

Oblivious of their parents' kindergarten level pissing match, the kids had wandered off to go make snow angels, leaving them to set up the sleds for their epic race alone.

After dragging them back over and plopping them down in front of them on their slick pieces of red plastic, the two ex-assassins eyed each other up.

“Get ready to lose,” Lila declared, tightening her hold on Grace as she stuck her tongue out at Five.

“Real mature,” he scoffed, his lips twisting up to one side despite his best effort not to smile.

As promised, Five gave Lila a very brief head start before he pushed off after her, kicking off with his heels as he leaned forward with all his weight so he could catch up to her.

As he was concentrating on gaining speed and overtaking her lead, Five didn’t notice that he was headed straight for a small child that had fallen off their sled and was lying in the snow in the middle of the hill. At the very last second, he saw them, but with no time and barely any control over his sled, Five had no choice but to blink himself and your screaming son out of the way to avoid a crash.

Since spatial jumps when already moving at an accelerated rate were tricky at best, Five ended up making an ass of himself anyway.

Falling out of his portal in a crackling burst of frosty air, he and your son landed at the bottom of the hill, narrowly missing a group of teenagers, before sliding further, then smashing into a snow covered evergreen.

Covered in heaps of snow, with his giggling son lying on top of him, Five groaned like an old man who’d fallen and couldn’t get back up.

While still trying to get his boy up on his little rubber boots, Lila came triumphantly sliding by on her sled, smiling and laughing obnoxiously loud.

Ungracefully rolling out of the shrubbery, looking like the abominable snowman, Five glanced around, searching for a weapon to take down his opponent. Finding nothing but the twigs and dried leaves sticking out of his knitted hat, he was forced to concede.

“Alright, alright, stop gloating,” he muttered while Lila danced around him gleefully, swinging Gracie in the air as she giggled.

“I can’t help it” she sang back as they twirled. “Any time I see you make a fool of yourself it’s glorious!”

“Uncle Five is funny,” Grace pointed out, to which Five gave her a silly look he knew would get her laughing again.

Sharing in her daughter's joy, Lila said, “Now, don’t forget, Uncle Five. I like extra whipped cream on my hot chocolate.”

“Me two, Uncle Fivey!” Grace happily yelled as she ran off.

Seeing that his son was abandoning him to go play with his cousin, Five glowered at Lila for a moment longer because it just felt right, then he blinked away to the top of the hill. As soon as he appeared, you covered your mouth so he couldn’t see you laughing at him.

“What’s so funny?” he asked with a devilish smirk as he took a few strides towards you, like a lion about to pounce.

Backing up, you shook your head. “Nothing. Nothing at all.”

“Oh, yeah?” he challenged as he grabbed your hand, pulling you into him with an arm around your waist. “Aren’t you supposed to be on my side?”

Still trying to suppress your laughter you reached up, picking a small piece of tree out of his hair. “I am on your side,” you assured.

Lowering his chin, his mouth an inch away from yours, he whispered, “The thing is, my love, I’d rather have you on your back.”

Before you could react to that in any way, you were being tackled backwards, feet flying out from under you before your backside landed on the sled. Landing on top, like he’d planned, Five had you trapped.

Your screech of surprise quickly turned to uncontrolled gasps of laughter when you unexpectedly started flying headfirst down the hill, the combined weight of your bodies sending your sled skittering off much further than everyone else’s at the bottom of the hill.

Bouncing on the icy surface, you ripped past the legions of teens and other young kids, slamming into a snowbank where you then toppled over like total assholes.

As you were trying to contain yourself and catch your breath, Five climbed back on top of you, pinning you down as he kissed your frozen cheeks and lips until you were wildly giggling again.

“Stop!” you yelled half-heartedly.

“No,” he simply stated, before crashing his lip into yours, hard and passionately, with enough need behind it to get you to let out a little moan of surrender.

“Five!” you gasped when he finally let you up for air. “We can’t make out in the snow like this in front of all these kids.”

“We most certainly can. And I’m going to do much more with you than make out.”

He went in for another kiss, while you tried wriggling out from under him, your argument turning into laughed exclamations of shock. “Oh my god, Five! That better not be what I think it is that you are rubbing against my leg.”

Nudging your scarf down with his nose, kissing the side of your neck, his words vibrated your skin as his lips spread in a smile. “What do you think it is?”

“Good lord, what is wrong with you? We’re out here doing family stuff and you think it’s a great time to get your fuck on?”

“They can’t tell what we’re doing, we’re wearing too much padding. It’ll just look like we’re wrestling. So, just shut up and let me hump you in this stupid fucking snowbank!”

“Why in the world would we be wrestling? That makes no sense,” you breathlessly argued.

Five let out an aggravated groan. “I don’t know…Can’t you just go along with it?”

“Five, you know I love you and I would normally let you do whatever you want to me and be perfectly happy with it. However, I’m not going to lie here in the snow while you hump me like a dog.”

Strategically digging your cold gloves under the back side of his coat, Five hissed a few fucks, while letting you escape, but as soon as you removed your frozen hands, he retaliated. Grabbing the back of your hood, playfully tugging you back, he said, “Oh come on, honey. This will only take two minutes. Three, tops.”

Sitting down on top of him, Five assumed he was going to get lucky, so he tried to go in for another kiss, but you quickly pushed his shoulders back down in the snow, smiling as you scolded him. “You have some serious problems, Mister. Now go back up there and try to be a normal person who’s out here having a normal day with their family.” He opened his mouth but you slapped a hand over it. “And try not to hump anything on your way there, either.”

“Okay,” he mumbled against the waterproof fabric.

Lying there rejected, Five watched you trudging away. Even in a million layers of insulation, you still managed to look sexy, and now his balls were a little blue and he was even more irritated with all of this.

If he was being forced into this “fun” family outing, the least you could do was indulge him in a little ass. While ruminating on that flawed logic, Five had the urge to call after you and tell you that at least his first wife actually liked being humped in the snow. Deciding that would be a bad move, however, he kept that fond little memory to himself.

---

A little while later, after everyone was worn out from sledding, your son asked Five to build a snow fort for him, and his eyes lit up with renewed purpose.

Now this he could do!

It had been a while, but Five was fairly confident he could still build a structurally sound snow fort that would be habitable for at least a week in the right conditions. Excited to show off his engineering skills, he got to work, piling up mounds of snow and ice.

“Now, if you want a real igloo, you need a parabolic cross section,” Five rambled while on his knees in the snow, digging and making blocks out of ice while his kid pretended to help by kicking piles of snow around. “Which, obviously as you know, is the locus of points on that plane that are equidistant from the directrix and the focus…”

By the time he was done constructing the massive snow fort, putting all of the other dads in the area to shame, Five realized that he’d been abandoned yet again. He looked around, seeing you and your son in the distance, doing god knows what.

Immediately annoyed, he muttered under his breath, “God fucking dammit.”

After going over to retrieve you both, Five proudly gestured to the snow fort. “Not bad, right?”

His son, visibly impressed, crawled in right away, complimenting him. “This is so cool!”

Looping your arm through Five’s, you kissed his cheek. “Good job, Daddy.”

Five smiled as he dismissively raised a shoulder. “See? Not all my survival skills have gone to waste. Not that I want to spend several days in one, but at least I can amuse my kid.”

Just as he said that, your son emerged from the fort. “Let’s go ice skating!”

Five’s mouth dropped open, his smile melting away just like that. “Ice skating? I just spent half a damn day building this thing for you!”

His excited little clone looked back at the fort and then back at you both. “I know, but there’s not much you can do in there.”

Five’s shoulders slumped forward in defeat. You turned to your son. “Don’t be ungrateful. At least thank your father for building that for you.”

He ran up, giving Five a big hug, his small arms not even wrapping halfway around his dad’s waist with all of the winter layers they were wearing. “Thanks, Dad, I love it.”

Five patted him on the back. With a small smile, he softly said, “You’re welcome, buddy.”

Just like that, your little boy was running off to catch up with the others who were already on their way to the ice skating rink.

“Sorry,” you said, leaning your head against Five’s shoulder. “Kids are really fun to make but then after that…not always so much.”

Five laughed at that, then kissed the top of your head. “So true.”

“Well, I need to check out this marvel of engineering for myself,” you said as you started to crawl through the opening of the fort.

Watching your snow-pant-clad ass disappear into his fort, Five naturally assumed that this was an invitation to follow you, so on hands and knees, he made his way in, squeezing in next to you.

“It’s pretty nice in here,” you stated, laying on your back, staring up at the dome over your head. “It’s not going to fall and trap us in here, is it?”

Five turned his head your way. “What do you take me for? An amateur?”

You smiled. “This really is impressive.”

Five smiled back, only his was predatory. Rolling over so he was on his forearms and one of his legs was thrown over yours, he said, “I can show you something else that’s impressive.” He tried to wriggle his brows.

“You’re not giving up on this, are you?”

He shook his head, his lips brushing against yours with the softest touch. “All you have to do is lie here, I’ll do all the work. You can be my snow angel,” he whispered.

Laughing, you rolled your eyes over that corny line. “Five, come on, cut it out.”

“Look, I built this damn thing, I might as well get some use out of it. Besides, what are the down sides?”

As he lightly kissed, then nipped the tip of your cold nose, you giggled. “For one, I don’t want snow up my ass crack.”

Sliding himself over you, Five’s mouth pushed against your, his hips pressing firmly against you. “That’s an easy fix. You get on top,” he purred, moving his mouth along your jaw, his warm breath rushing down your neck.

Even though you were turned on by all this, you resisted. “If it were just you and me, I’d let you make me your snow angel. But there are kids all around so that’s not happening. Can’t you control yourself for a few more hours until we get home?”

Five lifted his face from where he had it nuzzling against your throat, staring back at you in horror. “A few hours? We’re going to be here for a few more hours?”

“Well, I don’t know, maybe. Once we go ice skating and get the kids that hot chocolate…it might be a while.”

Five groaned, collapsing on top of you and pressing his face into your chest as he gyrated his hips but with little strength to it this time. “Please. I cannot take much more of this holiday togetherness, and my guy down here misses you,” he whimpered.

Your suppressed laugh came out as a very unlady-like snort that only made it harder not to laugh about all this. Feeling bad, you pat the back of Five’s neck with your gloved fingers, unable to sooth him like you normally would by playing with the ends of his hair. “Just hang in there, honey. You’re going to make it.”

Like a child who just came down from a hysterical tantrum, Five lethargically shook his head against your coat, his voice muffled. “No. Go on without me. I am done for. Save yourself.”

“I think you’ve survived worse,” you laughed.

“Nope. This is the worst, trust me.”

After giving him a quick kiss on the forehead, you shimmied out from under him, making your way out of the fort. Once outside, you poked your head back in to see Five still lying there, looking miserable.

“I’m going to the ice rink. Once you’re done with your pity party, please join us.”

After you left, Five slowly got up, sitting himself in the entrance to his fort, a sour pout making him look even younger again.

Stewing, he concluded you were wrong. Just because he was miserable and wanted to go home did not mean he was having a pity party.

Absentmindedly rolling a snowball in his gloves, he imagined all sorts of things he’d like to be doing instead of this. Like sitting in his warm house, maybe eating some nice hot soup, and then banging his wife up against a random wall before going to bed at a reasonable hour.

Was that really too much to ask?

“I’m too old for this shit,” Five heatedly mumbled, his breath forming a white cloud in the cold air in front of his little man cave.

Just then, he was hit dead square in the head with a giant snowball.

Snow melting and dripping off his face, Five saw Diego at an impossible distance away from him, pretending to tie his shoelace.

Rather than kill him, Five decided to stay there a little while longer, sitting there like a sad, puffy marshmallow.

---

Hours later, with his ego bruised as much as his sore ass was from showing off just how not good he was at ice-skating, Five finally got to go home. By then, he figured the only way to redeem himself, and the last few weeks, was to end the evening with a bang.

As everyone else was downstairs, shedding their winter wear and pouring drinks, Five was upstairs, preparing for war.

Within a brilliant man, a brilliant plan has formed.

Peering at his reflection in the dressing mirror, Five tightened the knot on his silk tie. He was the embodiment of sexy perfection in his favorite three piece suit.

His cool green eyes dropped to the side table, to the very important list he’d made shortly after he smashed the Christmas tree.

With his best black dress shoes stealthily descending the staircase, Five moved with all the confidence of a deadly man on a mission, because he was.

Instead of kissing at midnight, he was going to bone you at midnight, in the foyer coat closet, while the rest of the Hargreeves crew were out in the living room not far away, watching the ball drop on Times Square.

Part of his grand idea originated simply from the sheer excitement of doing something so ridiculously depraved again. But it was also because Five couldn’t stand failing, and failing his wife was the worst of all.

You were right, he didn’t do much to help you make the holiday memorable, other than multiple stupid things. Dressed to kill as he entered the living room, Five was determined to right his wrongs and show his family he still had it.

The moment you saw him, your jaw dropped. Strolling up to you, he played it cool, pretending not to see your eyes running up and down his body, taking him all in.

“Five?” you questioned, sounding so flustered already that he couldn’t help it when his lips hitched up just a little.

Smoothly taking the drink you were offering him, he deliberately let his full smile assault you. “Yes, my love?” he calmly replied, looking down where you’d positioned yourself on the couch. In your short little holiday cat sweater dress and matching knee high stockings, somehow you’d managed to make a ridiculously hideous outfit look hot. But there was no way he was going to let on that you were getting to him, like always.

“When you said you were changing into something more comfortable, I’d thought you meant something else…”

Even with your son sitting right next to you, bonking you over and over as he jabbered with Grace, both of them with headphones on, and talking extra loud to each other as they played a video game, you only had eyes for him.

His plan was working, but before Five could further fluster you with his reply, Lila got in the way. “Looking like an uptight jerk is Five’s comfort zone. It nicely complements the permanent stick-up-his-ass look.”

“I tink Uncle Fivey looks nice,” Grace corrected her, to which Five offered his niece a charming wink that made Lila, probably for the first time ever, speechless.

“Five is a lady killer, nothing more to say,” Diego chuckled as he tipped back his glass, looking at the TV, clearly not moved by his brother’s suave transformation.

“You do look nice,” you agreed, a little breathlessly, lifting your own glass to meet Five’s in the offer of a little toast of recognition.

After bringing his mouth to his glass for a little taste, Five leaned next to your ear, his free hand softly brushing a stray strand of your hair back as he whispered, “You look ravishing, my love. You always do.”

While you were still drooling over him, all wide eyed and flushing, Five pulled away, striding over to the fireplace. Placing his elbow on the mantle, he pushed his hand in his pocket and casually glanced back at you, a flirty smile pulling his cheek to the side.

“These dipshits out there on the street look like they are about as ready for them to drop that big stupid ball as I am,” Diego huffed at the TV, then repositioned himself on the loveseat next to Lila so his feet were thrown up on her lap. “We don’t have long now, babe, but I am tired as shit. You better do something to liven this party up or you’re going to be carrying me and Grace out to the car.”

Lila gave him the glare of death.

Mostly ignoring them, Five swirled his glass, watching the bubbles in his champagne rise to the surface. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw you still looking at him and how you were anxiously biting at your lower lip, taking that as a sign that things were going according to plan.

He looked up again, his eyes meeting yours. He refused to do more than give you the smallest of smiles; but it was one that was about as soft and tender as it could get.

Draining your drink, you crossed your legs tightly, bouncing a socked foot with noticeable agitation.

Making note of that, Five lazily brushed his dark hair out of his eyes, then set his glass down on the mantel. Letting the firelight illuminate the sharp angles of his face, he mouthed for you to get over there.

Unable to take it a second longer, you hopped up off the sofa, heading his way.

“What are you doing over here all by yourself?” you questioned as you poured a little more bubbly into your husband’s half empty glass.

“Thinking.”

“Oh? About what?”

Five’s soft pink lips parted, the words he wanted to say left dangling in silence as he twirled a lock of your hair between his fingers.

“Five…? What are you up to this time?” you pushed.

With a quick intake of air, he smirked and then said, “Wouldn’t you like to know.”

As he expected, you didn’t look thrilled by his reply or that he was acting uninterested in the fact that you were pressing your hips up against his, but Five was very much enjoying playing hard to get. It was a nice change from being the pursuer, and making you work for it was most definitely turning him on as much, if not more, than him doing all the hard work.

As if he held some magical, sex God power over you, the next thing he knew, your fingers were curling around his belt loops, pulling him in tighter. “I am not sure if you recall, but I promised you that if you went along with things today, I’d make it worth your while,” you quietly said, just loud enough for him to hear, your eyes pleading with him for attention.

“I remember,” Five simply replied. Then he looked past you, addressing the rest of the living room. “Who needs a refill? I’m going to go get another bottle of champagne.”

As he removed your hands from his pants, Five relished in the shocked look on your face. With a smug grin, he passed behind you, making sure to slide his crotch across your backside, one finger tickling briefly up the channel of your spine before he left you standing there in a dither.

Returning with the champagne a few minutes later, Five continued to pretend he wasn’t aware he was getting to you while he topped off Diego and Lila’s glasses. When he got to you, eyes locked on yours, he took your glass from your hand, his long fingers brushing against yours as he poured.

Heat rushed to your face, your cheeks turning a rosy pink that he loved. When he deliberately fingered the antique ring he’d given you for Christmas, spinning the filigree pattern around your finger, your breath hitched.

“Are you ok, darling? You look a little warm. Should I put out the fire?” he said in a low voice that made you instantly wet.

“I- I…”

He had you.

Raising a brow as he smirked, Five stepped in closer, taking up all your personal space, his semi hard cock pressing up against the heat between her legs. “You what? You want something, darling?” he breathed, his lips moving over the shell of your ear.

With a bright flash of blue filling the space you both had been standing, your drinks hit the floor, the glass shattering on the hearth. Like deja vu, your backside was rammed up against the mass of coats hanging in the dark coat closet.

Exhaling a moan of pure lust against your lips, Five forcefully flipped your skirt up, one hand painfully grabbing ahold of your ass cheek, the other going right between your legs, his index finger slipping under your underwear, going inside you, hooking as he pumped it hard and fast.

“You did this all on purpose didn’t you?” you accused between heaving breaths, your hands quickly working their way up under his vest. “God, you are so fucking hot in this suit and it’s not fair.”

“What’s the matter, love? You don’t like being teased like you’ve been doing to me all day?” he taunted with lips brushed lightly over your cheek.

“Teasing you? How was I… You know what, I don't care. Let’s do this.”

“I am going to ruin you,” he whispered before his mouth crashed into yours, followed by hangers slipping off the bar and a series of loud clunks and bangs.

“Oh bloody hell!” Lila yelled, intentionally loud enough that both of you could hear it from inside the vacuum-like space of the small closet.

“Five! You better not be doing what I think you’re doing!” Diego bellowed.

As you frantically unbuckled Five’s belt, he let go of your ass just long enough to free himself faster and shove your panties down, your mutual struggle causing his foot to thud backwards into the door.

“Five! What the hell! The kids, man!” Diego shouted.

“We’re moving my office furniture!” Five yelled back.

Kissing along the length of Five’s smoothly shaven neck you tugged his hair, your fingernails tracing lines across his scalp. “You are such a liar,” you mumbled.

“What?” he laughed, his fingers wetly moving faster inside you. “They don’t know we aren’t upstairs…”

“Yes, they do,” you corrected, just before biting his neck

Letting out a moan, he went at it harder, his fingers inside you squelching, the other possessively digging into your hips, commanding your body to let go for him.

Your body still spasming, guiding his tip between your shaking legs, Five’s cock slowly filled you, the guttural sounding groan he let out growing in intensity with each inch he took of you.

Before he could answer with anything but a weakly whimpered, fuck, Five widened his stance. Lifting one of your legs up to his waist, pushing himself inside you, he violently jut his hips forward. Lifting you off the floor, your body swayed back into the pile of coats again as your stockinged feet slipped out from under you.

Bottoming out, Five hissed a curse of joy, then pulled back and did it again, that time making sure to hold you tighter so you didn’t go careening into the door like he had the last time.

Almost immediately Five’s quick thrusts had you breathlessly moaning little sounds of poorly formed words.

“Ffff- Aaah-ah- Fu-ck-fffivvvvv-”

Loving the sound of you saying his name like that, but also not wanting to let the kids hear too much, Five quickly clasped a hand over your mouth.

“Shhhh,” he directed, his thighs burning as he pumped his cock inside you, the fast cadence of his fucking not slowing.

Your muffled cries cut sharp against his fingers as you started to fall apart all over again. He started to slow, and you thought he was about to cum but instead, he swiftly pulled out, then twisted you around so fast you staggered into him, getting totally disoriented in the darkness.

With no warning, Five pulled your hips backwards, his dick impaling you from behind. Bracing yourself against the wall, he slammed his cock into your quivering hole at the same time his hand clapped over your mouth again.

This time, when you bit into him, Five bit back, his teeth sinking into the side of your neck to the sound of skin on skin smacking, his cock pumping in and out of you at a blistering pace.

“Fuck you feel so fucking good. I am so lucky you love me,” he breathed, with near suffocating heat building across his mostly clothed body.

He was close. With pressure building in his stomach, his abs working hard to deliver the best fuck he could, he moved his newly freed hand up your dress, cupping your breasts as your round ass absorbed the beating his hips were giving it.

“As much as I love to defile your tits, baby, I love it more when you come on my cock.”

With those dirty words coming from Five and his hand abruptly coming down between your legs, his long fingers rubbing circles around your overstimulated clit, your second release hit you hard and fast, the pulsing waves of your orgasm mimicking the rhythm of Five’s steady thrusts.

“Five!” you gasped as you pawed at the mess of fabric pushed between you and the wall.

In the dark, she couldn’t see it to confirm it but you didn't need to. Five was just as ruined as you were. His mouth was agape, his eyes closed as he waited for the mindless bliss he knew was coming.

With his wet fingers gliding across your hip, Five latched hold of you, pumping hard, his dick sliding in and out a few more times before he broke.

Before he pulled out, throbbing hot spurts rushed out of him, filling you, the evidence of his love for you seeping down your thighs. As his climax subsided, he was reminded this was his favorite place to be. Not the closet, but with you, where he was always loved and never felt the need to second guess himself about anything.

“I love you so much,” he breathed through his full body shudders.

“I love you, Five.” You dropped your head back against him.

He kissed your temple. Taking his pocket square, he carefully and gently wiped between your legs, then righted your clothing, then his.

Though Five could have held you captive forever and his blood deprived brain wasn’t quite yet working at full capacity, he knew this part of the evening needed to end for the rest to commence.

Spinning you around, giving you a quick kiss, and filling the closet with light, he disappeared.

Stumbling out of the coat closet, slightly disoriented, with your eyes still adjusting to the light, you sheepishly wobbled into the living room thinking Five would be out there already, probably smugly sitting there, acting like you were the one making all that noise by yourself.

Looking at the clock, you saw that it was a few seconds before midnight, and even though the ball was dropping in Times Square, everyone in the living room was looking at you instead of the TV.

Running a hand through your hair, trying to come up with some lame excuse for your appearance, the widows facing the street light up like it was a sunny summer day.

The kids sprang from the couch, racing towards the large living room window just as a loud explosion sizzled through the sky, lighting everything up again.

“It’s fireworks!” your son excitedly yelled as he looked out at your street, the loud, thunder-like noise echoing through the dark winter neighborhood, mimicking the pounding of your heart.

Still dazed, you moved toward the front door, your family, minus Five, not far behind.

Out on the porch, standing there in his sexy suit, looking like a fuck god of amazingness, your husband turned and smiled at you. In one hand, he was holding the lighter you had used to start the fire earlier, while in the street were what looked like over a dozen boxes of fireworks; the illegal kind that put on a show to rival many of the more professional pyrotechnic displays.

In awe, looking at the sky, you padded your way over to Five. Just as moved by seeing you as you were by all this, he quickly pulled you into his arms. A second later his little boy was by his side, his chin turned up at the flashing lights, his face a picture of childlike wonder that matched his fathers perfectly.

“I love you, dad,” he said as he wrapped his arms around Five’s waist.

“I love you both, too. Happy New Year,” Five whispered as he kissed your hand and pulled you both closer.

A few feet away, Diego was holding his little three-year-old in his arms, while Lila silently watched the sparkles of fire dancing across the sky.

The moment was perfect. Everything this family deserved, you’d thought, your eyes misting over with emotion you couldn’t begin to hold back.

Five was your everything, your dream come true that never stopped delivering, giving you things like this, and your beautiful son.

But if he really had been so insistent on staying home and doing none of this, then how the hell did he…

“When did you go get-”

Five quickly shushed you, placing a finger over your mouth; the same one that he was fingering you with. “I have a few tricks up my sleeve, darling. I might have a stick up my ass sometimes, as everyone likes to point out, but I still know how to have fun every now and then.”

Diego looked your way, the glow of the bright lights overhead illuminating your faces. Your hair was still in a fucked out mess of snarls, your silly cat dress was all wrinkled, and one of your knee high socks was bunched around one ankle, about to fall off. He laughed. “Looks like your old man still has enough stamina to pull off two vigorous explosions in one night.”

“Three explosions, right, honey?” Five said, beaming at you proudly.

“Three,” you confirmed, blushing with embarrassment as he bent down to hike up your sock for you.

As a cop car came rolling down your street, Five’s smug expression disappeared in an instant, but the resounding evidence of his last box of fireworks couldn’t be erased so easily.

He looked over at Lila, who was already laughing at him getting busted.

In the blink of an eye, both of them had opened portals, wrapping the energy fields around all of you, bringing you all back inside the house.

Right before the cops passed your house, Five sprung forward, shutting the curtains, while Lila dimmed the lights. You and Diego were worthless, giggling your dizzy asses off while you flopped down on the couch with the dim light of the TV showing images of the revelers downtown, all of them gazing up at the famous glowing orb. With your spouses coming to your side, you all remained still as the law’s flashing red and blue lights, mixed with the last of the fireworks, faded away.

Having avoided getting arrested over her brother-in-law’s big dick display of lights, Lila sat down next to Diego and picked up her wine glass. “Sometimes I’m not so sure about this little twat,” she looked at Five, “but I’m willing to conceded that you’re one potent adversary I’m happy to have on my side. Cheers,” Lila snarked, clinking her glass with Five’s.

With a contented sigh, he kicked up his heels on the coffee table, then pulled out his checklist, marking it off.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Happy Holidays! Thanks for reading. ❤️

Note: These two chapters were originally written to be a part of Kitty's @badkitty3000 'Halo' series. That series had a very lovely OC that Five shared his life with but for this Tumblr posting/request, we decided to rewrite it as a reader insert to hopefully make it more enjoyable to the masses who want to envision living this fun filled life with our favorite guy.

Cheers, Lovelies

~Link to 'Halo'

~Links to KayBreezy's Master List or all Tumblr posts option or Direct to A03

~Link to Kitty's Master List or Direct to A03

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