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caliginouscalico · 5 months ago

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[The time: Halloween, Two years after the end of the great war]

[The place: Sixth Impact Botanical Gardens Plaza, Reconstruction fund gala, Boise, Idaho, Earth]

[Several DECEPTICONS are mingling with the upper crust of Boise society. LASERBEAK and STARSCREAM lurking at the edges of the party. LASERBEAK has two hockey sticks taped to his wings and a hockey mask hanging around his neck. STARSCREAM is wearing a crown and a lush red cape.]

Laserbeak: "Why am I wasting time with meatbags when the Friday the 13th marathon is on? I could be deep frying my neurocircuits with Jason-kills right now."

Starscream: "Megatron said if we don't get the Decepticon favorability ratings above 30% by the end of the month he's sentencing us to crocodile dredging duty. Also, calling them meatbags doesn't help with that."

Laserbeak: "Shouldn't you be out there convincing the meatbags we don't want to render them into cheap lubricant then?"

Starscream: "Making sure no one hears you using slurs is the best way to make people view us favorably. Also, the nouveau riche make my paint blister."

[FRENZY, dressed in a tailored 3 piece black suit with black tie and black sunglasses, approaches, leading a woman and a TERMINALLY ADORABLE young girl. The woman is dressed in a masquarde ball mask and cocktail dress. The girl is wearing a Starscream costume, with the red picked out in GLITTER.]

Frenzy: "Hey Starscream. This is uh, Jenny and Matilda."

Jenny:" Hi, I'm Jenny, I know you're probably busy, but my daughter just HAD to meet you."

[JENNY extends her hand in a professional manner. STARSCREAM extends his index finger and performs the standard Human/Cybertronian awkward handshake in a manner so practiced it almost isn't awkward. The presumed MATILDA runs forward and grasps STARSCREAMS leg with her whole body, like an excited puppy. LASERBEAK stares into the distance, thinking of VEHICULAR HOMICIDE]

Matilda:"HiStarscreamYoureSoCoolIOrginallyWantedToBeAstrotrainButMomSaidICouldn'tBeABoyTransformerOrDadWouldGetMadSoIPickedYouBecauseYou'reTheCoolestBestFlyerEver!"

[JENNY now seems embarrassed. STARSCREAM does not notice, scanning the crowd for roaming photographers so he can stage an impromptu photo op with this conveniently adorable SMALL CHILD. LASERBEAK is now thinking about LIQUID NITROGEN]

Frenzy: "Heh, even the proto-humans have you clocked."

[STARSCREAM, having located a photographer, is just now listening to the conversation again.]

Starscream: "Clocked as what? Most regal of the Cybertronians? Rightful leader of the Decipticons? Best-Looking in a cape for 28 Light-years?"

[MATILDA giggles, thinking that her idol is playing up his arrogance for her benefit. It would be much less pathetic if that was true.]

[LASERBEAK is now out of his slasher-fugue, looking distressed]

Laserbeak: "Hey Starscream, did you know that human mentors usually heft their brats around on their shoulders? They call them swinebackrides, twenty to sixty female demographic LOVES seeing them."

Starscream: "That sounds like an excellent idea. Jenny, would you and Matilda like a Cybertronian-eye view of the gala?"

[MATILDA's eyes turn into dazzling supernovae of happiness. There is clearly nothing she would like more, ever, in her entire life.]

Jenny: "Well I suppose it would be okay, as long as we go slow."

Starscream: "I promise to treat her as delicately as a thunderbird egg! Prepare for a swinebackride that will shape the rest of your life!"

[LASERBEAK flinches upon hearing the word "egg". STARSCREAM gently scoops up the sparkling child and sets her on his shoulder. STARSCREAM gives A LOOK at his two fellow DECEPTICONS before walking away with a slow and stiff gait, clearly trying to keep the pr booster safe from sudden jostling. JENNY trails anxiously behind, not entirely convinced this is a good idea but clearly too late to stop it.]

Laserbeak: "Horns of Unicron, what is wrong with you!"

Frenzy: "Wrong with me? What'd I do? Starscream's lookin' all cute for the cameras now cause of me!"

Laserbeak: "Not that! Did you actually forget?"

Frenzy: "Forget what?"

[LASERBEAK lets out a sigh, a thing I've decided Cybertronians are biologically capable of doing as a form of heat exchange instead of oxygenation, before opening the LONG-RANGE COMMUNICATION terminal screen-thing in his chest. A RECORDING starts. ARCEE is in the center of the shot. SOUNDWAVE is behind her, off-center and with his arms crossed lending an air of support to her message.]

Arcee: "And if there's only one thing you take away from this, it's that if any of you fuck up Starscream's egg cracking I'm throwing you to the bot-eating snails at the bottom of the Pacific Ocean."

Soundwave: "As head of the Decipticon Inclusivity Enterprise, I will ensure this punishment is administered. I have witnessed these creatures on the Animal Planet, this is a credible threat."

[LASERBEAK closes the LONG-RANGE COMMUNICATION terminal screen-thing in his chest.]

Frenzy: "Ok well so what? You deflected it, right? Problem solved?"

Laserbeak: "Problem not solved rust-for-brains! Starscream gave us A Look. That look means he's gonna dig until he finds out why we were acting weird, and then he's gonna find out because you can't lie worth chromium dust, and then I'm gonna be eaten by snails because I'm in the punishment radius!"

Frenzy: "Ok, rust, how do we get out of this?"

Laserbeak: "I don't know! I'm not dumb enough to get in these messes! What do you do to avoid responsibility for your screwups?"

Frenzy: "I tell Soundwave! But I can't tell Soundwave because he's the one who's gonna feed us to vicious snails!"

Laserbeak: "Making someone else do our work. Yeah, that's good, that could work. But who do we know that's dumb enough to save random people from their own mess but smart enough to emotionally manipulate people?"

[LASERBEAK and FRENZY look directly at each other]

In unison: "Autobots!"

[LASERBEAK opens the LONG-RANGE COMMUNICATION terminal screen-thing in his chest. BUMBLEBEE appears on screen, sitting on a chair in front of Teletraan l. He is dressed as a Dracula, complete with cape. He is rocking the cape better than Starscream.]

Bumblebee:" You've reached the Autobot emergency hotline, this is Bumblebee. Laserbeak, is that you? This line is supposed to be for emergencies only, not crank calls."

FRENZY: "This is an emergency! I need your Autobot therapyspeak-rust or Arcee is gonna feed me to the evil ocean creatures!"

Bumblebee: "Oh she gave you that speech too? Well what exactly did you do?"

[FRENZY begins sobbing, no longer needing to maintain the facade of coherence now that he has a competent authority figure to beg.]

Frenzy: "There was an earth protoform, and she had a costume, and that costume was Starscream, and she picked it because of gender, and I said that even the protoforms know, but Starscream didn't, and then Starscream went away to swineback in front of the cameras, bu the gave us A Look, and I cant lie so when I have to lie Soundwave is gonna feed me to the Snaaaaaaiiillls!"

Bumblebee: "So what I'm hearing is that you haven't broken Starscream's egg, you're just worried you're going to once Starscream gets back to grill you?"

[LASERBEAK and FRENZY synchronize their braincells to nod in unison like the morons they are.]

Bumblebee: "Ok, we have time to fix this. First you need to take a couple deep breaths so you can calm down and think."

[FRENZY refocuses himself, becoming moderately less wet and pathetic.]

Bumblebee: "Ok now we just need to make it so you're prepared for Starscream to talk to you later. Starscream is a paranoid megalomaniac who creates conspiracies for fun, which is why he sees other people's conspiracies everywhere. That's what's making him follow up on this, but it's also how we can get you out of this.

Laserbeak: "How's that exactly?"

Bumblebee: "It's simple. You just need to make a fake secret for Starscream to ruin, so he doesn't keep digging for the real secret."

Laserbeak: "But ball-bearings for brains over here can't lie in the first place. That's why we had to call you."

Bumblebee: "Well this is gonna be the hard part. You need to actually do something nice for Starscream, so it's real. Then Frenzy doesn't have to lie if it's real. If you can make it involves literal eggs but not gender, that's even better. Ties up loose ends."

Laserbeak: "Well we can't get him another Easter bunnysuit. It's moon-cycles till Easter, He'll never believe we're planning in advance."

Bumblebee: "Wait, another? Wait, nevermind, different question, when did you learn about Easter?"

Laserbeak: "You watch enough horror movies you learn all the human holidays. Christmas, Purge Day, Easter."

Bumblebee: "We are going to have to have a conversation about that, but it can wait. What other ideas do you two have?"

Frenzy: "We could, um, get him a ticket to the Neo-New Zealand Biodomes?"

Laserbeak: "Megatron caved on getting our lifetime ban lifted in the peace settlement. He only got it down to a century ban. It's another ninety-four local years till we're allowed in. And the only tickets Starscream would want anyway are hunter's tickets and those are like, 3 times as much dosh."

Frenzy: "Oh yeah. But Starscream does love killing organics, what if we got him a tour in the Third Emu War?"

Laserbeak: "Ugh. The sign up sheet is already full. We'd have to bribe someone to swap."

Bumblebee: "I can chip in a bit for this. Fifteen Energon cubes enough?"

Laserbeak: "With how hard Weirdwolf has been going in on hunting? At least twenty."

Bumblebee: "Fifteen and I won't complain about you skimming the extras."

Laserbeak: "Deal."

Bumblebee: "Now we just have to invent a reason you want Starscream at the Indonesian front lines."

Frenzy: "Haven't you two been fighting that shadow-war over the group Shudder account? You keep trying to watch Chucky movies while he's watching I Saw the TV Glow. Is that anything?"

Bumblebee: "Oh man, you're a Chuckster? Laserbeak, this is great, none of the autobot horror-heads will chuck out with me. I've done the first seven and I'm trying to get the tv show-"

Laserbeak: "Ok we have a plan now we're not friends this conversation never happened byyyyyyyyyyeee."

[LASERBEAK closes the LONG-RANGE COMMUNICATION terminal screen-thing in his chest.]

Frenzy: "Aw man I wanted to keep talking. Soundwave says Me n' Rumble can only chuck out supervised and you don't watch movies with us anymore."

#microfiction #transformers #halloween #starscream #laserbeak #I like worldbuilding through implication #no particular canon #definitely missed a few typos #sorry #frenzy #boise idaho

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