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whatkatetoldme · 7 years ago

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The secret language of modern dating

“Haha yeah honestly you’re the only girl I’m talking to.” -Every Tom, Dick & Harry

It was late summer in a kingdom near the Nile River. The year was 900 B.C. and the setting sun was beating down on the land. Sixteen-year-old Amisi, the village chief’s daughter, was watching the burning ball of fire melt into the landscape.

She was tending to her younger siblings but her mind was elsewhere; she couldn’t get her mind off Raia, the seventeen-year-old son of one of their villages farmers. Amisi’s name meant “flower” and for 14 sunsets, Raia had left blue lotuses - her favorite flowers - near the entrance of her home. Why hadn’t he left the flowers for the past two sunsets? Was he upset with her? Was it Bahiti, the other chiefs’ daughter? Was she not beautiful enough?

Flash forward through the ages of tight corsets, bad mullet haircuts, and Britney’s ‘09 meltdown, and the unfortunate truth is evident:

nothing. has fucking. changed.

Our hearts go out to Amisi and those freakin’ lotus flowers. WTF Raia? Why the sudden silence? I, for one, am all-too-familiar with this fun little ghosting game boys seem to love. So, rather than bitching and moaning about the cruelty of man (because LOL, we’re not dealing with men here...), I’ve decided to break down the dating game and its players - who’s the player now, boys?

Casper The Unfriendly Ghost (Ghosting)

We’re all familiar with Casper The Friendly Ghost but in the land of dating and dickheads, Casper’s not so friendly. No longer do we fear the ghosts that go “BOO” but the ghosts that call us “boo”. “Casper” will talk you up, take you on a nice date, maybe even leave blue lotuses at your doorstep. But suddenly you get nothing - no text, no explanation - nothing. Casper’s now MIA, there are no more blue lotuses and nice dates, and you’re left wondering if maybe you had spinach in your teeth during the whole date.

Hansel & Gretel (Breadcrumbing)

I don’t know about you, but the story of Hansel & Gretel never sat well with me. Quick synopsis - H & G are abandoned in the woods by their father and evil step mother (boring cliche) but Hansel tries marking the path with breadcrumbs so he and his sister could find their way home.

"Hansel” is your master breadcrumb-er. He’ll throw you a like on Instagram or hit you with a “wyd” or “u up?” text at 12 a.m. on a Tuesday just so he stays within your realm of awareness. Hansel may be leaving you crumbs here and there to occasionally pique your interest but he has no actual intention of having a relationship with you. Yeah, you’re right. It’s pretty...crummy.

Bernie & Phyl (Cushioning)

There’s nothing quite like flopping on the couch your parents got at Bernie & Phyls after a long, exhausting day. Sinking into those soft cushions is always a good idea - unless you’re the cushion.

“Bernie” sees you as a cushion. He might take a page out of Hansel’s book and sprinkle some breadcrumbs in your direction - enough breadcrumbs to make you think that maybe he really does want to take you to his lake house over the summer. But Bernie has another plan in mind; he tends to several “cushions” in case the relationship he’s in doesn’t work out. If Bernie’s main bae decides to ditch him, he’ll have plenty of other girls to sweet talk. I don’t know about you, but I ain’t no side cushion.

Casper’s older brother (Haunting)

If you dislike Casper, wait until you meet his older brother. Casper’s older brother has already mastered the craft of ghosting - now he’s on to haunting.

Casper’s older brother has a repertoire of lady friends that he’s ghosted over the years. Whether she’s an old fling from study hall or a former co-worker, his iPhone is jam packed with names and numbers.

Casper’s older brother haunts his ex-lady friends. Perhaps Kelly was a hot romance from summers’ past - Casper’s bro will send her a text after two years of radio silence. “Miss me?” he might say. Maybe Molly and him had something real going between them but he cut it off with no explanation. Why not throw her a like on an Instagram picture from last Christmas? Or what about Shannon, his ride-or-die coworker for a summer - until Football season came around. Casper’s big bro will toss Shannon a “poke” on Facebook, just when she was finally getting over him.

Now, before the streets erupt in protest, I know that not all guys are like this. I understand that there are also female versions of all these characters - Gretel’s no walk in the park, either. But the four types of dudes mentioned above are the kind of guys that ladies deal with on a daily basis - this is coming from a place of frustration and exasperation.

Google Translate is great when it comes to translating “you’re sexy” into Greek to impress the hot dude from Athens who Super Liked you on Tinder. But unfortunately, the secret language of dating has no translation. We live in a time in which we communicate our mutual attraction for one another by right-swiping them on an app that we use when we’re peeing or trying to kill time. We show our affection by tagging each other in memes (which I LOVE, don’t get me wrong) instead of actually making each other laugh face-to-face.

This post is in no way an attempt to change the current climate of dating. Mostly because you better believe my ass is mature enough to handle a relationship, so I’m not the issue here (*puts salt shaker away bc I’m already salty enough*). So boys, think of this as a public service announcement:

get your shit together.

And ladies - hang in there, and don’t settle for anything less than a guy who gives you blue lotuses after every sunset.

http://www.history.com/topics/ancient-history/ancient-egypt

https://www.bostonglobe.com/ideas/2017/06/01/ghosting-breadcrumbing-cushioning-america-swipes-right-dating-lingo/gRaVU21aldAi9abT6ffbMM/story.html

http://www.ancientegypt.co.uk/time/explore/main.html

http://www.touregypt.net/featurestories/flowers.htm

http://maditsmadfunny.wikia.com/wiki/Casper_the_Friendly_Ghost

https://customplanet.com/designs/125-978/obey/e97a45ab-6eb0-4ac8-b1f0-ebde088c2a63.aspx

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purpleparrot · 8 years ago

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ok i’m gonna do a post on the bachelorette bios under a read more bc its long as h*ck

Adam, 27, real estate agent. Gains points for listing his most embarrassing moment as telling his mom he was going on the bachelorette (submit an application for any reality show and you have answer to that question for the rest of you life) and immediately loses them for saying his favorite actor is “jennifer lawrence because she’s every girl’s goal” (three years ago this would have been true but not now my guy) and saying a threesome is the most romantic gift he’s ever received.

Alex, 28, information systems supervisor. Says the most outrageous thing he’s ever done is eat a live salamander (um?) and lists the rock as his favorite artist (um????). Also says the most romantic present he’s ever given is a car which was probably very awkward when the relationship ended.

Anthony, 26, education software manager. Describes emotional intelligence as one of his best attributes so if things don’t work out with Rachel he’d be a great match for Taylor from Nick’s season. Also says that he has “virtually no limits in the bedroom once the connection is there” and honestly its just weird that they asked some of them that question (like I’d answer that question for the entire internet to read)

Blake E., 31, “Aspiring Drummer” says that the most outrageous thing hes ever done is get engaged to a “crazy girl” then calls himself a “classic gentleman” two questions later. Also wants to watch the new 50 Shades movie because he loves “taboo sexy stuff”. Was engaged for 48 hours which is probably about 24 hours more than he’ll last on the bachelorette. Hates when his date talks about her cats, so Taylor Swift is basically his worst nightmare. Also doesn’t think parking ticket people have souls, which is honestly the most redeeming answer of the bunch.

Blake K, 29, U.S, Marine Veteran. Would want to be the Rock for a day because “he’s the only person who could look cool wearing a fanny pack”. Says that roses are his favorite flower, which I’m 99% sure is a prerequisite to getting on the show. Says he won’t wrestle a crocodile or eat monkey brains for love, and mostly seems too normal for this show.

Brady, 29, Male Model. Says that tackling snowmen is something he does for fun in his hometown (um? fingers crossed he makes it to hometowns so we can see how exactly that works) and says Lululemon sweatpants are the most romantic gifts he’s ever received, which is slightly (okay a lot) more normal than threesome. Says the the Situation from Jersey Shore is the person he dislikes the most in the world, making me think about that show for the first time in at least three years. (Also, does he remined me a little bit of Robby from Jojo’s season appearance-wise?)

Bryce, 37, Chiropractor. Kind of looks like Chase from Jojo’s season (to me at least). Lists like seven things when asked for his three best attributes, so apparently has some trouble with numbers. Also says the Bachelor/Bachelorette is one of his favorite TV shows because he’s “fascinated by the interaction socially between a man and a woman” (please no one watches this show for the love story, you watch for the drama and you know it) has also had balcony sex? (idk what to do with that information)

Bryce, 30, firefighter. All of his answers are oddly poetic? Describes himself as a “laid back shot of gasoline when the fire starts to die”. Looking for someone with “eyes you could drown in and a smile that insults the sun”. Says he’s “a fresh drink of water with a jolt of lightning”. I’d put money on him reading Rachel some 9th grade English poem the first night. Describes his dream job as a professional Instagrammer which he’s definitely in the right place for with all the Fittea and teeth whitening stuff everyone who goes on this show seems to sell.

Dean, 26, startup recruiter. Has a lip tattoo? (It says righteous, I know you were dying to know. Thinks marriage is an “institutionalized sham derived from religious beliefs” so he’ll fit in perfectly on a show where the end goal is getting engaged!

DeMario, 30, executive recruiter. Scores points for referencing Britney Spears not once but twice, saying he loves attention but not like 2007 Britney, like when she and Justin Timberlake wore those denim outfits. Wants to have a pet lion and name it “Denzel the lion”, Doesn’t have any phobias, which I’m sure made the produces frown and cross his name off potential candidates for those dates they always have where they skydive or something and they’re both really freaked out and have to comfort each other. Earns more points by saying that the most romantic gift he’s ever given is tickets to a Beyonce and Jay-Z concert.

Diggy, 31, senior inventory analyst. Spends Saturday nights trying to recover from day drinking (he and Corinne would get along great if Rachel doesn’t pick him!) Once pretended to be asleep so he didn’t have to help a girl find her brother after a one night stand.

Eric, 29, personal trainer. Rachel seems like she was digging him on the ATFR when she men some of her guys. If he could be anyone for a day, he’d be Tony Robbins, which is a name I had to Google and according to Wikipedia he is a “MLM advocate, businessman, and author”. Says green juice is his favorite drink, so I’m sure he’ll be fine in the bachelor house where it seems like all they have to drink is champagne. Not to go all avril-lavigne-is-dead-and-was-replaced-by-a-clone conspiracy theorist but if he could go anywhere in the U.S. it would be New Orleans, which is where Rachel had her one-on-one with Nick.

Fred, 27, Executive Assistant. Admits to the entire Internet that he sometimes gets aroused at work. This isn’t in his bio but in the preview for the season it says that he and Rachel went to elementary school together and he has apparently had a “lifelong fascination” with her ever since which is a lil weird to me. Like I doubt I could pick someone I went to elementary school with out of a lineup much less recognize them on TV nearly 20 years later.

Grant, 29, emergency medicine physician (!). Would like to be President of the United States for a day, which would honestly probably be better than Donald Trump (I mean, they have about the same amount of experience). Lists Playboy as his favorite magazine with a ;) face. Makes a lame “A see food diet. I see food I eat it” when asked about eating habits, so I’m expecting him to open with an equally lame joke when he meets Rachel.

Iggy, 30, Consulting Firm CEO. Idk if ABC made a typo or what, but if not he lists his best and worst attributes as the same traits (Truly a double edged sword). If stranded on a dessert island he would want it to be a banana float (haha) (Also thats a really stupid question anyway-ABC if you need someone else to write these I’m available)

Jack Stone, 32, Attorney (!). First, why is his whole name on the website? Usually its just their last initial, and that’s only if there’s two people with the same name. Which isn’t the case here so @ ABC wyd. Is an attorney like Rachel, and has been the only one so far smart enough to plead the fifth on the bedroom question. Two of his worst attributes are “hard on myself, anxious” which is very #relatable. Says tulips are his favorite flower because they’re like roses without thorns.

Jamey, 32, Sales Account Executive. Answers the question “where do you see yourself in five years” with “I am trying not to make plans right now” which is also very #relatable. I should bust that one out at my next job interview. Says his ideal mate looks like a model (we all wish) and responds “I do not have any female friends” to “describe your best friend of the opposite sex and why she/she deserves that title”.

Jedidiah, 35, ER Physician (!). Previously owned dogs that were over 1/2 wolf, which is slightly terrifying. Likes wild flowers that grow above high altitudes. Has had sex on a glacier which just sounds like a bad idea, frostbite and all that. Likes nice pens (don’t we all), clashing slightly with his outdoorsy image.

Jonathan, 31, “Tickle Monster”. Anyone identifying themselves as a tickle monster would be cut immediately if I were Rachel. They wouldn’t even make it inside the mansion. I hate being tickled. Formerly sported a mullet. Says his favorite flower right now is a red rose (*rolls eyes*). Previously married, which the producers are probably going to bring up at every given opportunity. Lists Britney Spears as one of his favorite music artists, which still doesn’t even begin to make up for the tickling thing.

Josiah, 28, Prosecuting Attorney (!). Has had sex in his office, so hopefully he didn’t tell his employer he was going on the show, and if he did, hopefully they don’t find this. Was once catfished, so perhaps he’s on the wrong show anyway. Perhaps Nev and Max can participate in a group date giving tips on how not to get catfished.

Kenny, 35, professional wrestler. Spends his Saturday nights either “wrestling in his underwear in front of thousands of people or with his daughter”. Has a daughter, which the producers will also probably bring up at every given opportunity because exploiting children is always fun! Says he was “quick draw Mcgraw” when he first started dating his ex. Has had sex with a wife while her husband watched, which sounds like more Unreal than Bachelorette territory tbh.

Kyle, 26, marketing consultant. Generally doesn’t trust people and dislikes corrupt authority, and respects Ed Snowden. Probably has a Bernie 2016 sticker on his car. doesn’t know what gluten is but eats gluten free when he can. Describes his ideal mate as 7+ and says BDSM was weird because he doesn’t like hurting people.

Lee, 30, Singer/Songwriter. Would want to learn to make booze if stranded on a deserted island. Considers himself a romantic. Also seems too normal for this show (aside from the career) and will probably be gone the first night.

Lucas, 30, “Whaboom” I googled it and couldn’t find an answer as to what “Whaboom” even means so we’re off to a great start. When asked who he would have lunch with out of everyone in the world, replies “ Dead: Bruce Jenner, Alive: Caitlyn Jenner” *cringes* would want the cast of the View with him on a deserted island which is pretty smart actually because they’d probably wind up killing each other and he could establish himself as the apex predator. Enjoys a “good old bump and grind” when it comes to dancing. Lists going to funeral as one of his least favorite date activities, which makes me question his dating history history. I feel like he’ll be the villain.

Matt, 32, Construction Sales Rep. Describes lingerie as the most romantic gift he’s ever given saying “I knew I was in love once I found myself shopping at Victoria Secret” #justlikethenotebook. Describes a tinder date as his worst dating memory. Has had sex on a cruise ship balcony. Despite that is probably still too normal for the show and will probably be eliminated quickly.

Michael, 26, Former professional basketball player, which is less impressive when you keep reading and find out it was in Bulgaria. Would want to have lunch with Obama. One of his worst date fears is one of his friends hooking up with his date in the past which should make fantasy suites fun should he make it that far. Also like the fifth guy to name Denzel Washington as his favorite actor.

Milton, 31, Hotel recreation supervisor. Has a lip tattoo. Is oddly upfront about not being on the show for the “right reasons”. He says he wants to be discovered and break into acting or writing. (At least try to lie and say you’re here for love my guy). Describes himself as only “kinda” romantic because he thinks it can show you’re weak.

Mohit, 26, Product manager. Says he is going to dress up as gluten for Halloween. Good luck with that. Likes country music. Has used Tabasco sauce in the bedroom which just sounds like a bad idea (honestly what do yall get up to where you need condiments). Is like the third person to say he admires Elon Musk.

Peter, 31, business owner. Once thought he got abducted after a one night stand. Likes modern family. Seems normal. Also cute. I’ve been trying to dodge spoilers but a few have slipped through the cracks and I must say...

Rob, 30, law student. Would want to have lunch with Buddha. Would want to be able to control time. Also seems normal. Will probably be eliminated quickly.

Will, 28, Sales Manager. Considers himself a romantic. Describes every tinder date he’s ever been on as his worst dating experience. Hates being a second choice, so hopefully he doesn’t wind up like Nick as runner up twice.

So overall it seems like there’s a lot more diversity this season, which is great to see! its also cool that that most of the men are closer to Rachel’s age compared to last season when some of the girls were literally 10 years younger than nick. And since i haven’t read spoilers, i guess i’ll pick a few faves based on bios alone: Peter, Eric, DeMario, Jack stone thats probably way off im bad at stuff like that

See yall the 22nd!

#this dumb post took me forever #why'd i do this instead of ya know smth productive #the bachelorette

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