#Bc I' feel like I'm always bothering people for attention normally

[mrfoox]

The fact that the one that have shown most care and concern about me lately is an guy I haven't kept contact with for a year is :( damn

[midnightmischief10]

welp. i'm posting this unedited and EXTREMELY self indulgent pedro pascal x reader fic. i have more written, but i will only post the full thing if ppl are also as sick and twisted as me.

hope who ever reads this, feels a little more seen bc i am SICK (well not really HHAHAH) of all the pedro character ddlg fics!! i just wanted to write something more realistic? idk welp, here it is! (not in its entirety:P )

Si no te hubieras ido

pairings: Pedro Pascal x Reader

warnings: age gap, drinking, reader is in their 20s

getting to work on a set like The Mandalorian was a dream if you were being honest. no, you weren't some high end actor, or a famous director, just someone part of the production crew, doing things like planning, writing, hell even editing. you'd do anything to just be a part of a project like this.

interactions with the actors were also common in a job like this, but apart from just guiding them through certain scenes and how they should look, you really didn't cross the boundaries that weren't professional. It was really nice to admire them though. Getting the occasional chat with big shot superstars was so cool and always something to brag about to your family even though they weren't supportive of your career choice. You didn’t end up a doctor or lawyer like they wanted, but hey! You did something you loved.

It was honestly a very normal day in the workplace. You were working in the art department as usual, helping make sure the vision that the director wanted was really coming through. Being behind the scenes for such big projects like these was really something. Your admiration for the process really grew getting to do all the behind the scenes work, it was such a nice feeling seeing the thing you along with many others, worked so hard on being televised was something special.

You weren't the overly ambitious type, but the thought of directing something sounded really cool.

You continued on, designing what the director wanted on a few scenes we’d be working on in the following weeks.

Lost in your work you didn’t expect anyone to come up to you for anything, you weren't the art director so it wasn't usual for people to come to you. Unbeknownst to you, you felt a sudden hand on your arm, not roughly just to get your attention.

you look up and woah…why the hell was Pedro Pascal standing right behind you.

"uhm, I'm sorry to bother you, you seem busy, but I've been meaning to ask, would you like to go out for a drink sometime?" Pedro asked.

huh? what…the…fuck…?

it caught you off guard.

Firstly, why was Pedro Pascal even looking for you? Because I mean you? of all people he could ask something like that, it was you? A man notorious for not having any sort of relationship, at least not public, was standing here with you asking you to go out for a drink.

you didn’t even think about your response before the words fell from your mouth.

"oh..uhm…Is this some kind of prank?"

you dumb BITCH WHY WOULD U SAY THAT???

was what you thought immediately after.

In your defense, you were in disbelief because what the hell was Pedro Pascal, a very prominent and influential actor, asking you out for drinks? I mean the interactions you both have had were merely professional and work related so why?

he looked confused at your answer, maybe even a little insulted, which was not your intention.

"shit I'm sorry I didn't mean to sound rude I'm just in a bit of disbelief" you let out an awkward laugh to soften the previous response and got out of your seat to face him properly. how do you even respond to a question like that, you had no idea that's for certain.

He stared softly at you and started, "no I'm sorry, that was very sudden haha. no need to say yes I just wanted to see if you would." His response was genuine and he wore a soft smile as he did.

God, was he really handsome up close.

To be quite honest, you always found him super attractive. But he was the internet’s daddy so it wasn't just you who felt attraction towards him. And sure, you might've dabbled in the idea of maybe even going out with him, but you were realistic with yourself.

But here you are now. Getting asked out on a date with this hunk of a man.

You were still lost in thought, trying to reflect on what was occurring and what came out of Pedro’s mouth.

He spoke again, "Sorry, just forget it ev-"

"no no, I mean I'd love to, who wouldn't want to go out for drinks with you, I'm just not all that special ya know?" you were being honest. You weren't some super sexy model or a renowned actor, you were just some girl working on the same set as Pedro.

Also, you were much younger than Pedro.

"I'd beg to differ." he said quite frankly. He smiled that sweet and tender smile of his and you couldn't help but think, for an older man he was sure fine.

you were daydreaming again at this point when Pedro spoke again,"so...is that a yes then?" it snapped you back to reality. It was so odd to see him so nervous over something like this, but being in the know of most things Hollywood, everyone who knew Pedro also knew that he had social anxiety so it must've taken a lot out of him to even ask you out

your heart raced, “yea- yes, I'll go for a drink with you.” you smiled, but if you were being honest you were really nervous too. What exactly did he see in you? Sure you were kind and respectful, but that's how you were with everyone. Pedro felt way out of your league to even grasp the idea of flirting with him, I mean come on. Who would even think about flirting with an A-list celebrity, especially someone way way WAY younger than he was and someone who wasn’t on any level to him.

he had a huge smile on his face, he seemed so content. “Great, should I get your number while I’m at it?” He pulled out his phone and handed it to you. You slightly grazed his hand when he did and it caught you by surprise.

His hands were so big, and you didn’t realize till just then how much of a height difference you two had.

You put your name and number, your hands were trembling a bit as you did so.

“here you go. so…when should I expect that drink?” you tried being coy to play off the fact that you were actually freaking out.

he smiled and laughed, “what about tonight then?”

that was quick

“oh. uhm yeah sure, i get off at 5, would like 8 be okay.”

“Sounds perfect. I’ll pick you up, wear something nice.”

“Do I not look nice now?” you said sarcastically.

“No no, you always look great, I’d just like to see you in a dress.” He looked at you with so much love, his sweet smile still plastered hard on his face.

You couldn’t help but blush hard.

Has he always looked at me?

“I’ll send you my address then, see you tonight.”

“See you tonight.” and he stepped out.

what the fuck were you getting into

~~~~~~~

[alchemistc]

Apparently the pumpkin pie I made two days ago is almost gone and the bf and I only had one slice each.

We live in this house for free and the bf's mom is out of state at least half the year. I have no right to make demands of her.

But she leaves her dishes soaking in the sink without bothering to even scrape off the leftover food in them, she uses entire bags of flour and a full dozen eggs she doesn't replace (to feed the people she works for, not even for the house) (and then gets defensive when I very politely ask her if there is any more of *insert item here*), every snack food is depleted by half before we can even get to it, when she offers to get groceries and we give her BARE MINIMUM shit (because again, we live in this house for free bc of her) she either forgets or gets something completely random neither one of us will use. I stock up her bathroom before every visit and still run out of toilet paper a week early. We do our best to avoid using big appliances during peak hours even though we don't pay that bill (it's just common decency to keep that energy bill low when someone else is kind enough to take care of it for us) but God forbid we ask her to wait an extra hour to load up her laundry. She got high a few nights ago during a cold snap, turned the thermostat up to 73, and then flipped the damn thing to Cool because she was cold but also not paying attention and thought the heat was OFF instead of just set low. (I literally just went through every setting and set them btw 63 and 66 bc again, we don't pay that bill). She over feeds the cat she left behind for us to take care of and every time we remind her that the cat pukes all over every time she gives her too many treats it feels like she spitefully gives the cat more treats. She hoards dishes until she's sure she won't have a witness for leaving them in the sink, occasionally soaking (see above). She fills up the trashcan out front and then gets miffed when we tell her we only pay for one can so no, she cannot leave more bags next to the can because 1) critters will get into it and 2) they won't pick it up.

I love her. She's sweet and kind and generous whenever she can be. She takes us out for dinner every time she's in town and she always brings trinkets back with her for us, makes sure we always get gifts for birthdays and Christmas even when we insist she doesn't need to. She spent an afternoon raking all the leaves on the lawn because our second cold snap FINALLY had the rest of the leaves drop and I'm doing my best to be completely normal about the fact that she used twenty-three trash bags to do it because she didn't want to crush the leaves once they were in the bag. She just spent three hundred bucks to replace plumbing that's desperately needed it that we've been putting off.

And I fucking knew that pie was gonna be gone before our mini-thanksgiving. Which is why I bought and HID a second pie crust and can of pumpkin, and only got Cool Whip for it this morning.

All this to say I'm never gonna say a fucking word about ninety-seven percent of these gripes because we live here for free.

But just once, it'd be nice if she asked if she could finish more than half a pie by herself in an evening, or even said something about it before she was back at work for two days and I had to discover it an hour before my turkey was finished.

[lesbiancolumbo]

Okay I'm really glad you said it bc I just watched the premiere and did not care for it but could not for the life of me pinpoint exactly why. There's a lot of aspects to the show I enjoy but as a collective whole it's always left me cold and it bugs the crap out of me trying to parse out why it's not landing for me. (But to your point, sometimes things just aren't for us, I guess!)

okay, you asked for it.

i think for me, it's that the first season offers a promise of something that it seems to have no interest, actually, in delivering on. back when it was still a first season independently made show that no one had any idea if people would give a shit about, it seemed (to ME at least) to be about this band of people in the wake of profound loss and the trauma that came from that loss coming together and building something beautiful together, becoming a family. and then the show blew up, got a bunch of money and attention and prestige, and season two turned into "cool look at all the things we can do! see! we're filming in copenhagen for no reason! we have an episode with like seven extremely famous people in it! we're showing off all these famous restaurants! take us seriously!" while severely sidelining characters that i fell in love with in season one, and for what? we spend so little time with these characters actually building the beautiful thing we left the last season hoping for. instead we get these one-off episodes with characters, which are... fine, i guess? fun. but it feels like showing off a blank check versus actually BUILDING on what season one sets up.

honestly, i'm really disappointed that the show's narrative keeps trying to push this restaurant into highbrow fine dining spaces, when for me the most magical parts of season one was when they were just fucking cooking food for people -- NORMAL PEOPLE -- and the people were loving it. the bear wants to critique the world of fine dining, but it's way too fucking in love with fine dining to actually do this in any meaningful way, because it's still fucking aping those aesthetics and putting chefs like daniel boulud in the show just to say it can. hey look, it's eleven madison park! hey look, this is the french laundry! hey look, this is noma! like. i fucking GET IT, chris.

what bothered me most about the premiere was the moment joel's fine dining chef says to carmy "you know that from now on, this will be my dish right?" in an antagonizing moment -- this is ripped off DIRECTLY from an episode of chef's table (it's ironic that the bear is ripping off this show now considering the menu did just that a few years back and i dinged them for that too lol) where grant achatz explains that his sous chefs test their creativity while working under him, he encourages them and trusts them and coaxes their talent out of them, and it's ironic because at the end of the day.... it becomes one of HIS signature dishes, and he would always ask them this for permission before going ahead. the bear doesn't understand that this question isn't meant to be an antagonizing thing that underlies the exploitation of fine dining spaces. these things run rampant there, yes, but when grant said that quote, it was a sign of how much he trusts and works hard for his team, and they give him the same in return. that the bear bastardizes this moment really pissed me the fuck off -- this show wants to romanticize and simultaneously critique fine dining, but this moment and so many others like it leave me wondering if it even actually understands fine dining at all, actually.

[suntoru]

hello!

I'm super stressed atm, have an exam on Tuesday, and I need a bit of motivation because I really doubt myself sometimes although I'm trying very hard 😭😭

do you think you could write a short piece about one of the genshin boys (heizou, tighnari, cyno, scara, childe or one of your choice instead) comforting a reader in the same situation? if not then I totally understand (couldn't find whether or not your requests are closed so I hope I'm not bothering you) thank you so much <3

˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥ heizou + childe w/ stressed out reader!!

summary: reader is stressed out bc of exams!! what do the boys do to help?

a/n: hi luv!! basically my requests are actually closed but i decided to make an exception just this once <3 u got this, dw too much!! i hope i was able to bring u some comfort

wc: 655 words

warnings: burnt out reader, overworking, mostly comfort n fluff, maybe a bit of swearing?

─ ✰ HEIZOU

mr. smartass here does not get the definition of stressing over work istg he’s too intelligent for his own good

at first, he supports you a lot, he encourages you to do better too. he likes that you’re working hard to reach your goals <3

he does his own work beside you, so you can study together!

type to help you and tests you on the questions

however, after a couple days, he starts to notice you’re not doing so well. you’ve got bags under your eyes from skipping out on sleep to study, you’re more grumpy than normal, and you just look stressed.

that’s when he makes the connection that a), you’re overworking yourself, and b), you’re stressed about this.

to be honest, i don’t think he’s the type to directly confront you about this unless it becomes too much, he’s more of the subtle type.

he’d definitely ask if you’re okay in a lighthearted manner, but you can tell he’s serious. welp now he’s monitoring you on a daily basis

“y/n, do you wanna take a break and go get some food?” “you’re gonna do so well, don’t worry.”

but if you choose to talk to him about your worries, he’ll listen silently, only nodding his head to show he’s paying attention. he’ll wait till you’re finished until he speaks.

he pulls you into a tight hug, cradling the back of your head as he comforts you. his voice is laced with confidence and you can tell he means what he says.

“babe… i know you can do this. there’s no one i believe in more than you. you’ve worked really hard for this, and that’s all i need to know. and even if you don’t meet your expectations, i’ll still be proud. i’m here for you if you need anything, anything at all.”

makes sure you’re getting enough rest, you’re eating enough and taking breaks.

when the day of your test comes, he gives you a confident smile, and a kiss on the cheek as he winks.

“i’d say good luck, but i know you’ve left nothing up to chance.”

whatever the outcome is, he takes you on a date after <3

overall 7/10

─ ✰ CHILDE

…run.

bro does not understand the term ‘busy’. he thinks your attention should always be on him.

worst study buddy 😭 type to end up distracting you instead of actually helping

ANYWAYS.

one of the first people to speak up about this, solely because you aren’t spending a lot of time with him anymore.

not slick with it either, just full on blunt.

this dramatic ahh collapses in your lap on the brink of tears, shiny puppy dog eyes staring straight into your soul.

“do you still love me anymore?”

explain to him that things exist other than him

please do tell him that you’re just worried and stressed though.

if you end up crying, his personality does a full 180. you’re now situated on his lap, his fingers brushing away any tears.

he feels guilty he didn’t notice sooner, he cups your face gently.

“hey, hey… i’m sorry. i didn’t realize this was so important to you… i’ll help you study, okay? for real this time.”

to the best of his ability, he helps explain concepts and showers you with praise if you answer correctly.

makes you flash cards with cute doodles (mostly him)

on the day of your exam, he picks you up and twirls you around.

peppers kisses all over your face.

“my scrunkly baby, you’re gonna do so well!! my smart precious clever genius… i might not be there with you, but take my luck!! well, not like you need it <3”

whispers in your ear before you go:

“…and don’t forget… a mark on a piece of paper doesn’t define you.”

takes you shopping and buys you whatever you want after, super clingy for the next couple of days

4/10 but he’s trying

©kaeffeinee 2023. do not copy, repost, or translate any of my works on any platform.

[pynkhues]

https://www.tumblr.com/fishjellylou/766623772774137856/yall-white-mfs-need-to-stop-speaking-on-louis?source=share

As a disclaimer, I swear I'm not trying to start something, but this person is clearly talking about your post. The only reason i bring this to ur attention is bc

1. They seem to be purposely misinterpreting a lot of what u said and

2. It sums up a certain attitude in fandom that's been bothering me.

You always back up your interpretations with textual evidence and seem very open to other people's interpretations as well, so this type of reaction seems very hostile to me for no reason. And I feel like this readiness to call racism over any differing opinion on Louis only manages to reduce his character and discourage people from exploring his complexities or engaging with the character at all.

At least for me, it makes me scared of sharing any opinion, because people in fandom don't seem to be open to debate and conversation, they just claim one interpretation as the only valid read of the show and anyone who disagrees is suddenly racist.

I guess i just wanted to get your take on it and ask for advice on how to deal with this type of backlash when it comes to engaging in character analysis. Your insight is always appreciated <3

Oh! Yeah, I mean - - they certainly seem to be referring to me without @'ing me!

And mmm, yeah, I'd say it reads to me as a bad faith interpretation of my posts, especially as I certainly wouldn't describe how I wrote about Louis today as a 'diabolical jezebel' - in fact, I think it's lowkey the opposite given I think he's a character who has a healthy sexual appetite which sometimes manifests in the wrong direction as a result of trauma and circumstance, as opposed to the puritanical virgin some would depict him as - and literally, explicitly said that I don't think Louis' a liar, but rather has the normal response of trying to paint himself in a better light in his memories, but y'know, they're allowed their interpretation of my posts, just as they're allowed their own readings of the show.

As someone who's been around the fandom traps for more than a decade, I can't say this isn't something I'm used to, and I kinda think it's important to be okay with it? I make these posts publicly (even if I do try to avoid using main tags lowkey for adjacent reasons to this one), so people can respond to me publicly. That's okay! I've kinda been doing the same with the l*slou fest, so I'd be a huge hypocrite to have an issue with what they do when I'm doing it a little myself, haha.

But to me posts like this also just try to weaponise the idea that being called racist is worse than being racist, and as a result is a way to shut people up, like you said. I'm open with the fact that I'm white and Australian - arguably the worst type of White, haha - and I know that I have race biases that I'm working constantly to unpack, and I work in DEI at my theatre company, so trust me when I say I've done a lot of 'official' training too, which feels stupid to talk about here in this context, but is a reality of Things I've Done.

I engage and read and listen a lot, which is all to say, I suppose, that I do try to be very conscious and present in how I exist in these conversations, and it's a funny thing to come back to fandom spaces where people do want white people to take on a cultural load, want them to engage particularly with characters of colour, want them to create fanworks involving POC - all things fandom is notoriously bad at! - and then ultimately - - y'know. Weaponise race in an attempt to shut down conversations they don't like (and I include a lot of white people in that too). It too often feels like race becomes a moving part to keep characters under certain fan interpretation ownership, which feels symptomatic of broader fandom entitlement.

I don't know. I hear you, basically, and I get your nervousness about engaging, but at the end of the day, conversations won't happen if they don't happen. Sharing your thoughts and knowing - and being able to articulate - your intent while keeping an open mind to criticism and an eagerness to learn is always a positive, at least to me. Some people are going to engage in bad faith - that's kind of inevitable these days, I think - but there are going to be a lot of people who engage in good faith too, and I don't know. A lot of people tell me I have a bit of a crap nose for it, haha, and tend to engage more of the bad faith than I should, but I always try to take things optimistically and in good faith. I like to trust that people mean the best, and when they don't - - well, that's for private chats, haha.

[dogbunni]

i think something fascinating is how nendou is supposed to be too dumb to notice anything but really? a lot of times he does notice quite a lot (especially when it's about Saiki), he just tends to either not question it, or drops it as soon as Saiki or someone else disagrees.

Like when Saiki was standing up for him when he was accused of stealing his classmate's purses, Nendou *knew* Saiki was somehow involved simply because he saw him stare angrily at Takahashi.

When Saiki's dad was replacing Saiki at the surprise party, or Toritsuka was standing in for him, Nendou was always the first to notice.

It's also interesting how he always manages to happen to be helpful to Saiki in a way? His likeability has to drop? Let's give him a hug. There's too much attention on Saiki bc he was good at judo? Nendou makes it so all the attention is on himself. There's bugs in Saiki's house? Well good that bug-crushing Nendou is there! The Newspaper Club bothers Saiki? Well...Nendou at least tries to get rid of him. A literal bookshelf falls on Saiki? Nendou takes the hit for him AND THEN ASKS HIM IF HE'S OK.

And as much as Saiki acts all disgusted, he does see the good in him. The first thing Saiki does when Saiko is about to leave is get Nendou to talk to him bc he knows he's good tlat that sort of stuff. When those girls are inviting him on a fake date Saiki WRITES HIM A SWEET NOTE bc he doesn't want it to break his heart.

I just-

i can't ok-

too many feelings-

I've been looking at this ask for hours I just keep coming back and reading it again.

nendo truthers we are so valid and also honorary members of PK academy

but also. YES ALL OF THIS. I've been SAYING nendo may be book dumb but he has high stat in wisdom. part of the reason why I ship him and saiki is bc they compliment each other that way. like saiki is a genius, but he's also a dumbass. he (despite literally reading minds) just doesn't really GET people. he goes about trying to be normal in the least normal way. and then nendo will not know basic math but still say the most beautiful and profound things when only mildly provoked. I'm too tired to cite sources rn but if anyone else has screenshots to hand. gimme.

anyway. I literally have a one shot in the works about this topic. just nendo dropping some sweet words of wisdom on saiki without even really realising how sage and intelligent he's being and saiki's life being forever changed (for the better) by it. thank u <3

[ourkingdomofcards]

sometimes i wonder if i might have quiet BPD or something. i'm not saying i really think i do because i haven't done nearly enough research for that, but sometimes it becomes apparent to me that the way i tend to think about relationships and people in general is. Not Normal.

i feel like i have very up and down feelings about people that aren't dependent on who in my system is fronting. i get all bitter and upset that i "lost my friends" bc we don't always talk anymore but then the second they give me attention i'm like YAYYYYYY MY FRIENDS because it means they don't hate me. y'know.

like someone shows one sign they may have been briefly upset with me and i wanna kms because i feel like i'm a horrible person and i must've done something and god i'm just the fucking worst. i'm so terrified of losing the people i love, i feel like i need to try and be perfect so they won't stop loving me back. one thing goes wrong (even if nothing actually happened and i'm just misreading the situation) and it's over. instead of getting angry at them or asking what's going on, my walls go up and suddenly i don't care to talk to them anymore. i never want them to leave me but when i feel like they have i just shut down and go on with my life like i don't care but it eats me alive on the inside.

so i've never been the "clingy" type, but i feel like i kind of am, i just keep those thoughts to myself because i don't want to bother anyone. if they take too long to answer my texts i get pissed off and decide that they probably hate me or i did something to upset them...

i'm not looking for anyone's opinions on me or my experience. i'm just saying that if anyone has any resources about quiet BPD they wanted to link me to so i can do some more research, i would really appreciate it. thank you tumblr you're awesome 🙏🙏

[epickiya722]

I always hear ppl say stuff abt how horrible Ms Kacchan was, how Izuku was tormented by him.

But the thing is that we never really saw it happen, or does the little that we saw really indicate that. And i kinda want to explain why

So, as of the two times that Katsuki himself admited the reason why he has bullied Izuku, one of the major things that drove him to do it, was so Izuku would leave him alone. Acting alongside his fear, and his inferiority complex.

His plan was for Izuku to fade away from his life, to stop affecting him the way he did, ever since he saw what "Deku" started to represent in young Katsuki's head. He wanted his bullying to push him away as far as possible.

But Izuku, ever the mr. "Never give up" guy, continued to chase after him, bc it has never been in his interest to stop being Katsuki's friend. Being close to his symbol of victory. So he had to continue to act like that, until Izuku got the message that he didn't want him close anymore, that he didn't want him standing in his way.

By the pieces of dialogue from the two guys that hung about with Katsuki, that was a time he reacted badly, and more outlandishly than he normally would. And if we even look back at that time, when the class was making fun of Izuku, he didn't laugh.

He didn't find it funny that he had to be presented with anything that would bring out his fear again. That was an actual serious matter for him, specially bc Izuku was planning to apply to the same school he wanted to go, to the same course no less.

If you want to consider that one manga for the HR movie to be canon too, their day to day lives in MS seemed to be basically Katsuki ignoring him, though occasionaly acting like a jerk.

He wanted to push Izuku away, not around. Bc he wanted most of all, for those feelings to not be a problem for him anymore.

Honestly, yeah, I agree with all this.

Katsuki, although a jerk, I have major doubts he actually enjoys being one.

This is why I pay attention to details because as you said, running back to season one, you can see Katsuki not laugh at Izuku. You would think he would, but he doesn't. If anything, he looks guilty and sad.

I think that was a point of Katsuki's life when he's trying to figure out why he acts the way he does around Izuku, why he doesn't want him around. Of course, he figures it's because "I hate him and he looks down on me". At that time, he probably subconsciously (?) was wondering there had to be more to it. Then, UA happened. His environment and people changed.

While I'm sure his middle school class found him unpleasant, no one ever really told him as such.

The most they have done was say "Hey, Katsuki, that was too far" about the swan dive comment.

At most, all Katsuki ever did was when he did see Izuku, he pushed him and called him names. But I don't think he actively seek him out to bother him. Katsuki was a bully, but I don't think he was a bully to search for someone to bother them all the time.

The only time in middle Katsuki did seek him out was after he found out Izuku was applying to UA. Again, as you said, he wanted to push Izuku away.

By that point, Izuku while he still cared about Katsuki, still idolized him, doesn't follow him. Let alone talks to him. He left Katsuki alone. I don't think he followed him around in middle school. Elementary school years, yeah. But middle school? Doubt it.

If he did, Katsuki would have known Izuku was applying to UA. Izuku would have told him if he wanted to. But, as I said in another post, he doesn't push Katsuki to acknowledge him or be nicer to him. He distanced himself.

Overall, yeah, Katsuki bullied Izuku to push him away. Said so himself. He was afraid of losing him. Izuku sometimes thinks before he acts, he's too selfless and careless. So he took the choice to drive him away before he can lose him.

[bongwooder]

idk I guess I could make an official post about it since I've been basically regressing to 12 year old me anyways and she LOVED to overshare on this godforsaken website

click more for ramblings if ur curious! definitely interested in hearing others perspectives since I am very socially isolated rn compared to most people I guess

ever since my ADHD diagnosis and possible autism diagnosis I've just been thinking a LOT about my life including my gender and sexuality. like, ever since my parent's divorce in 2022 I've been unravelling a lot of trauma I didn't even know I had, including how my roommate has helped me realize truly how emotionally neglected I was a child. it is NOT normal for a child to be online essentially 24/7 from ages 8-18. I think I really did some serious damage because my parents were too fucked to bother to check on me and make sure I like... went outside. had friends. showered. basic hygiene etc etc etc and of course I didn't know any better because uuuhhh children need to be TAUGHT things not just yelled at to do it or made fun of for their unknown disability. and I've been going through points of time where I'm MAD. like, PISSED. that my parents let me do that to myself. a little insecure neurodivergent girl searching, yearning, begging for ANYTHING to explain her inability to cope with reality and sensory overload, to socialize and make friends at school, to feel like her life had meaning and that what was not known at the time to be symptoms of her disability weren't just personal failures

so, of course, I feel like the moment I realized I may have a group that would actually accept me as I was, I latched onto it. and that was my beginning identifying as transgender. I've said this before to irl friends, but my thoughts at the time were "well I'm a completely well adjusted intelligent person [child], but I can't seem to get along with my female peers, so I must be a male actually!" but then like... idk why I always failed to realize the boys didn't like me either?? so it's not "girls don't like me because I'm too masculine and boys don't like me because I'm too feminine" it was actually just "no one likes me because I'm autistic"

and it's strange because I feel like the physical dysphoria felt VERY real, hating my chest and my genitals, but also like... I went through puberty kinda early and also bc I was fat I "had" to wear a bra VERY early. so I think I was resenting the sexualization of my body and coping with the fact that boys paid me 0 mind in any sort of dating context when that became relevant. So I think my dysphoria was actually more like dysmorphia?

and I think I only ever "hated pink and girly things" because I so desperately wanted attention from ANYONE, for SOMEONE to ask me what's wrong or why I thought that way, for someone to tell me it's okay to be a girl even though I'm fat and autistic. and it just never happened. and I grieve for that little girl who never felt like she could express herself in fear of what people would think bc she truly had no positive adult figures in her life. and I can't help but feel deep anger for the teachers around me who didn't realize just how deep the damage was, or if they did and told my parents and THEY chose to do nothing, I feel deep anger with them.

I thought maybe if I could just be a boy I didn't have to worry that much about being attractive to boys or being skinny or being pretty. then I could just be myself! and I think that did serve a purpose for its time.

I don't regret identifying as trans or any social transitioning I have already done. I love being Ollie, although I do wonder if another name may suit me better in these times. I know I'll always have an unconventional self expression but I just wonder what it would be like to be an independent adult woman because I've never been that, and I've never had adult women friends that have reached a level of platonic intimacy with me where I can discuss this and explore it with someone who has always lived as a woman! i yearn to decorate my body and dress myself in ways that reveal the the body I am proud to have carry me day by day no matter how large. I yearn to sink into softness and receive love, I don't want to fight for reciprocation. I don't want to be codependent but I just want to feel taken care of for once in my life instead of feeling like I'm crawling and clawing my way through life not knowing where the hell I'm going. I don't even know what womanhood/femininity MEANS but I want to try it! I think I'd enjoy it! do I have permission to try it? am I allowed to enjoy it? I hate that I need to be "brave" and "resilient" just to exist in my fucking body and brain. I resent the poisoned masses for resenting me but I know I know kindness and i know I am beautiful and I know I can provide happiness for others, I'm just also ready to be provided for too from a woman just as strong and beautiful and intelligent and kind and funny

I think I skated my point a little bit but even after saying all this, I don't know if I'll ever feel "cis." i think my life played out how it needed to for me to get here and now. my biggest fear is "coming out as cis" and having everyone who ever doubted my transness or invalidated me (including my own family) tell me "I told you it was a phase" because YEAH, MAYBE IT WAS. but at least I've been actively trying to listen to my body and brain to build the life I think will make me happiest in the context of my consciousness. and I just want to surround myself with people who trust me and know I'm smart and know this is something I think about deeply before projecting

all this to say I have a lot of work to do, and I'm excited to do it, cis or trans

[defountaine]

DEFOUNTAINE.

independent + private roleplay blog for FURINA DE FONTAINE, of mhy's GENSHIN IMPACT as judged by SINCLAIR ( 21 ). crossover + oc friendly. low activity due to college ( junior yr ) + old laptop.

INTEREST CHECKER. / GOOGLE DOC.

rules under cut.

NOTES. ( THIS MAY BE UPDATED AS TIME GOES ON. )

not spoiler or leak free

i tag triggers as “ trigger // “ 

for the main verse ( gi ), i'm almost entirely caught up on the main story.

hc heavy.

i use she/he/they for furina. she looks like both a woman and a twink and it's giving me gender envy, okay. genderfluid furina is so real to me.

generally novella because i love writing a lot!!

scarce activity bc my laptop is fucked up ( most of the keys are stiff lol ) + full time college student. i am literally doing a research proposal this semester.

aforementioned keyboard thing may lead to typos

i tag a lot of my ooc posts ( since a majority of the time they’re useless ) as “ irrelevant // ” as to not clog up peoples dash 

sometimes tumblr doesn’t send my asks so if you’ve liked for an inbox call and you don’t receive it, thats why 

mutuals can ask for discord<3 i encourage it actually since im active there more often but im very anxious and tend not to initiate conversation unless i feel like we’re very close 

if i ever bother you lmk<3 i’ve been told i can get a little spammy at times and i’ll admit i do get easily excited so if i need to tone it down just let me know!

if i’m following you i’ve read your rules !! i’ll assume you’ve done the same if you decide to follow back!

i only have access to the beta editor, sadly. i can try and pull some bullshit but i don't know if it'll work. my apologies.

NSFW.

those who are of age and have characters of age can smut with me. that said, furina is probably not gonna be very easy to fuck. trauma and all that. unless we have pre-established stuff. that's always fun. that said, don't follow just to fuck him, please. gore is also welcomed.

SHIPPING.

i love shipping, so lets do it! platonic, romantic, rivals, familial etc.. love ‘em all! planned or entirely natural, either is fine! if you wanna ship with me just ask! i have no preferences, not really, and i can say the same about furina. both she and i are down to clown with just about anyone. it doesn't even have to be healthy! ( to the tune of tmnt ) codependent toxic yuri/yaoi !

PLEASE DON’T RUSH ME.

full time college student with very limited time to do rp nowadays. i really enjoy writing and all but being rushed to reply makes me lose motivation. however, if i do miss a starter/don’t reply to a thread for a while you can tell me about that!

SELECTIVE + MUTUALS ONLY.

despite me saying this, all in all i probably follow almost everyone back as long as they have a rules + abt page i can find! i don’t follow personals but if you’re a hub or your rp blog is a sideblog, lmk so i can follow you there!  if you have a rules + abt page and i don’t follow back LET ME KNOW. sometimes tumblr doesn’t give me notifications and i don’t pay attention to follower count for the most part. i’m really not picky and im not trying to be mean or ignore you ! 

HATE WILL NOT BE TOLERATED.

any sort of hate will not be tolerated. if i see you picking on anyone or you pick on me , i will block you. that’s not the way i roll.

NO GODMODDING OR ANYTHING OF THE LIKE.

this is pretty standard , but please don’t control my muse or anything of the sort. 

I PRACTICE REBLOG KARMA. KINDA.

 i am not a meme archive blog , so if you do rt them please consider sending them!!

I’M FINE WITH ASKS BEING TURNED INTO THREADS!!

just please turn them into separate text posts, please!!

BE FUCKING NORMAL.

y'know. no racism, homophobia, transphobia or pedophilia, incest, and all that gross stuff. instant block. literally just be normal.

[wandering-doves]

11.08.2024

i know it’s been a while.

i’ve been all over the place emotionally, putting on weight (which i’m very unhappy about), and just adjusting to my saturn return period. i’ve already hit two important days and have two or three more to go.

i’ve been getting into anime. i just finished watching s2 of jujutsu kaisen and it has absolutely ripped my heart out. i am in mourning for my favourite character’s. it does make me want to get into the manga though, whether i read it online or purchase them. i’m motivated to do either once quickly bc i keep getting spoilers of the manga and normally that doesn’t bother me but there is so much death of well-loved characters in this series and i’m experiencing the losses prematurely and it's too much right now. and gege - you will be hearing from my lawyers, as i'm suing for emotional distress!

my siblings have suggested i get into demon slayer. they believe i’ll really like it. while i’m not sure what it’s about, i can take a guess based on the title. i don’t know if this show will have quite as much loss as jjk but i’m not emotionally ready for it yet. instead i started watching a cute little romance anime called from me to you. it has 3 seasons and seems really sweet so far. i think this one will be good for me.

i still haven't heard from the guy on tumblr but i know he's been online, bc his blog name has changed. i thought about reaching out again but if he didnt reply to my last message, what makes me think he'll reply to this one. it's time to cut my losses and just move one from him.

i will say that each an every time i am rejected or ghosted by a man, it does some serious damage to my ego and confidence. i don't feel like i am an ugly person, physically or otherwise, but i do feel that how i look plays a major role in why i'm still single. i'm overweight and always have been. and then if someone can see past how i look, my inability to open up to people shoots me in the foot. i'm very protective of my thoughts and feelings and i dont know if that has anything to do with the fact that as a child i felt so unseen and unheard [which if you knew me as a child, you would probably be confused by that statement bc i'm a sagittarius sun/rising. even if i don't mean to, i can command the attention.]

anyway, i've been playing chihiro, wildflower and champagne coast on repeat just to feel something, after watching the love of my life die on screen.

and that's another thing. the way that Nanami is literally my perfect man drives me insane. I know that bitch may be the most straight-laced, no-nonsense person in existence but he was also sweet and loving and kind and wanted to help others and was a father figure to Yuji and he just wanted to relax on the beach in Malaysia, have a little house there where he could spend time reading 😭😭😭my selfless king, you will be missed!!

anyway, it's just after 1am now so i should probably go to bed.

[squarebracket-trickster]

The gaslighting is so real.

(wow, I should probably have put all this under a readmore the first time. sorry literally everyone else whose dash this will show up on. RIP.)

I was the slowest runner out of all the kids at school, despite being one of the most active (6-8 hours of martial arts, 5 hours of swimming per week, and walking 30 mins one way to school every day when I was 12). I didn't realize there might be a reason for this. I just thought, "oh I probably just don't push myself hard enough in martial arts and swimming. If I tried harder I'd build up the cardio and muscles but my willpower sucks." But it was like, no matter how much I exercized I never seemed to get fitter and if I took even a week off from my extracurriculars most of my muscle tone and strength would be gone. Of course, I thought that was normal and that people who had really toned muscles must just not take breaks. But I do, because I don't have enough willpower to show up for last every class and practice on my own, obviously.

And running hurt too. It was really hard on my knees and the arches of my feet. I remember thinking how much mentally stronger all the other kids were because they would run around for half an hour and act like the pain didn't bother them. I was like, "what's wrong with me? why am I so weak-minded?"

Same with standing. Even as an adult I'd be at some event where everyone was standing around talking and I'd be barely able to focus on the conversation because I just needed to sit down. So I'd be thinking to myself, "how does everyone else do it? surely everyone is uncomfortable right now and they have a higher discomfort/pain tolerance than me."

I've internalized this "I am a wimp who can't even cope with the smallest bit of discomfort" attitude so much that when, last week, my knee was acting up bad - like use a cane and put a compression brace on bad - I spent the whole week justifying the cane and brace to myself by saying "they're just a preventative measure so it doesn't get worse. Yes, I can walk just fine without them but my physio said it was okay to use them and it does take the pain away." But I was still 50% convinced I was just doing it for attention (what attention? literally no one remarked on the cane at all). I told myself all week, yeah, "my pain is at like a 3. It's fine." Until I randomly woke up one morning and the pain had completely disappeared. Now, being able to compare what my knee felt like in pain versus with no pain at all. No. It was more like a 5 or 6.

I completely get the thinking all your struggles are a moral failing on your part due to a lack of resilience/willpower/discipline.

I remember as a kid wishing I would get badly injured somehow so that I would have a "real" reason to act so "weak" all the time. You make complete sense.

--

A less dramatic example was at my last job I would stretch and pull at my body constantly because if I didn't everything would feel stiff and like it was in the wrong place

Gah! this is me! I am constantly twisting, pulling, stretching, cracking, trying to crack and failing (only thing worse than a joint that cracks is a joint that won't crack) every single joint in my body. Nothing ever feels like it is sitting right. Things always feel puffy and the angles of my joints are wrong. I probably have 10 different elaborate contortions I've discovered over the years to crack my back. (Though I have to be careful bc one time I subluxated my elbow while trying to crack my back. Something cracked. But it was wrong crack... oops.)

I honestly have such a microaggression against people acting like it's gross when my body cracks or hyperextends. Like, I'm sorry a very natural thing my body does makes you want to vomit but at least you don't have to live in this flesh suit 24/7. Imagine how mentally ill I would be if I was as disgusted with my own body as you are. On the other hand, your face makes me want to vomit so maybe you shouldn't show that in public either. And when people tell me not to crack my joints in from of them... okay, great, bye!! No one's forcing you to stay in this room. Imagine thinking I care about you more than I care about getting rid of that shooting pain in my left rib.

They'd tell me to exercise to strengthen my body, feel better, and cope with the fatigue but when the problem didn't get magically better after that they told me that working out was causing it. Then it was drink more water and eat more salt and when that wasn't a cure-all it was "you're eating too much salt" even though my sodium levels were green.

Uh huh. I got so sick of being told to drink more water I started keeping track of how much I was drinking in a day, because I knew I was drinking more than enough already. I was constantly so thirsty throughout the day I couldn't not drink water. It was physically impossible for me to forget because a sore throat, dizziness, and a migraine would remind me. Turns out I drink between 10.5 to 12 cups of water a day just to not feel thirsty.

I had a conversation with my doctor at one point that went like, "I have so much eczema and I get these random hives and acid reflux and heart burn. I know you don't want to pursue further testing for MCAS because my blood test didn't show up weird but there has to be something we can do." And all he said to me was, "just don't eat the foods that cause these." And I was like, "I can't? I can't not eat sugar (including grains bc they break down into sugar), and wheat, and dairy, and like half the fruits, and vegetable oils, and any vegetable that might possibly have been sprayed a dozen specific pesticides. That's like literally every food. I can barely afford to eat ancient grain, sourdough, low-sugar, goat milk, organic as it is?!?!"

And then of course I have listen to random people on the internet absolutely dunk on organic food, sourdough, and gluten-free foods and claim they are just "nonsense health food fads" for gullible upper-middle class Whole Foods shoppers and "crunchy moms". Look, do not doubt for a moment that if I could just go get take out from McDonalds and be fine I swear I would. But that's besides the point.

Writeblr Re-Intro

Yo! I'm V Saintsin. Or V or Vin or Saintsin or whatever you want to call me that sounds right on your tongue. I'm a self-proclaimed Social Media fumbler who got a late start to the party and has never quite figured it out. I hate how hipster and edgy it sounds to say "I'm bad at social media" but like I used to work with some people who actually managed the social media accounts for the business we worked for and there were rules and whatnot and damn, I think online media is just not my medium. That being said, here I am! Hah

I'm an author and general mess who's hoping to be the miracle man (somebody who makes a living writing silly little stories). I do use a pseudonym but please hear me out when I say I didn't realize how edgy it sounds, it just has some sentimental value to my personal life. I'm so sorry that I sound like I'm in my emo phase HAHA

About me -

He/Him Transguy from the American Midwest (arguably the south, depending on who you talk to, but the older people still say "Sodi-pop" and "ope").

I'm dysautonomic, bendy, permanently sleepy, and a survivor of Crappy Doctors Who Suck At Doctoring.

I like DnD, Pathfinder, Baldur's Gate 3, Cyberpunk, Dragon Age, and other things in that vein.

I do make art of my stories and characters (Tablet is currently not working so I'm in a dry spell).

My writing background is predominantly ancient, dusty RPs from as far back as the foopets days and fanfic writing on Quizilla - I am an old and wizened elder of the net.

My formal education was music performance and behavioral neuroscience, I don't really know how I got where I am.

This is not my first rodeo with tumblr but it is the first time I have anything to SAY instead of just lurking.

In the event of malfunction, you can put me outside for 5 minutes and I'll probably factory reset.

My existence as I know it hinges on a massive number of sticky notes plastered throughout my room.

What I'm lookin' for -

Idk, whatever? I'm down for most things. Did you write it? Cool, let me see. I'm not too bent on genre or anything, just fascinated by the art of storytelling.

A bit tentative with fanfiction but that's just because if it's not a fandom I'm familiar with I am rather clueless about what the hell is going on and if it's a fandom I am familiar with I HUNT DOWN THE DEEP LORE.

I like art a whole lot, including fanart. Also art advice, love seeing things from different perspectives and learning something new.

Mutuals, really, for any reason. Building better connections on here, getting to know people. I am hideously bad at this but I try.

What I write -

Science Fiction with heavy subjects that matter to me - trigger warnings on a story-by-story basis.

High Fantasy (eventually books I think?) characters and their backgrounds for DnD and Pathfinder - I have been tempted to share these to help people get ideas or just for free use?

Things that I delete because I have crippling imposter syndrome and publishing makes me nauseous (doin' it tho).

Stories that I hope will make people feel less alone or that people could relate to, stories that I wish I had when life was worse and I was reaching out for anything I could find to keep me afloat, stories that try to be critical of things that SUCK in a way that's any helpful.

Lots of curse words and cussing (that's just how people talk 'round here), dubious science, things that I hope might make you cry but in a good way though.

Character-Driven stories that revolve more around the development of the person and less around the plot itself if that makes sense.

I've put blurb things below for my primary project/series which features a grumpy, queer, 37-year old chain smoking Frenchman and his misadventures with life and love and unbridled rage. If any of that sounds cool stick around and hang out? (This part is a plug bc I did a thing and I'm proud of it) And if my books sounds interesting the first one is 99 cents on Kindle and you just need a phone and a free app to read it!

THE SECRET OF LIFE (Published) - Sci-Fi/Psychological Thriller, Bi M Lead, Lovers to Enemies, AI but the oldschool cool kind not the real world thing that's stealing our future

Carlisle-Trystan Antoinette is a mercenary on a hard road, navigating life and death itself in an infinite cycle started by powers above his understanding. He has one mission - warn The Dianican Space Station of the coming threat and put a stop to a war that would encapsulate the whole of the Sol System before it can ever begin. Unfortunately for Carlisle, reality is a tenuous thing, made up only by our understanding of it. At least, according to his Psychiatrist, who tells him that there is no war, that he was never a mercenary, and that what Carlisle is experiencing is a severe but manageable psychotic break. Stripped of his combat enhancements, his bio monitor, and everything he's every known, Carlisle has a decision to make. Does he give in to the thoughts and memories, so real that he can almost taste them, or does he live a life of comfort and ease, returning to a husband and daughter that he left behind?

TWs: Domestic and War Violence, suicide, rape, medical trauma, grief, drug use

THE SILENCE OF ANGELS (Due July '24, TSoL 2) - Betrayal and Rage, Learning how to love again slow-burn romantic subplot, Learning how to Dad, A general inability for any one thing to just go right

(Quick Rough Blurb that offers no spoilers for TSoL) Making connections isn't easy for somebody who's accustomed to burning bridges. Isolation has always been Carlisle's mantra for surviving his life. Playing a role comes second nature, pretending to be the man that everyone else wants to see in him. When an old friend is murdered Carlisle finds himself as the primary suspect with all evidence pointing to him so clearly that even he calls to question what he is capable of. Unwilling to believe that he could commit such a heinous crime, Carlisle sets off to find the truth of his friend's death - was Carlisle framed or does he truly have the capacity to bring such harm upon those he loves? Old and new bonds will be tested, faith broken, and the future of everyone called into question as lines are drawn and sides are picked.

TWs: Violence, mentions of SA, graphic character death, more grief, more death

I don't know what else to say... Later!

[berrymeter]

it really does blow that i am not too good at infodumping or anything of the sort to begin with (if i do so it’s generally in a contained space that does not infringe on anyone’s ability to talk about their own preferred topics ie textposts or specific channels in discord servers, & i never do it out loud bc if someone interrupted me mid infodumping i’d just. whatever i get interrupted enough as is) but like the fact that my interests just suck shit doesn’t help like. gen’s shins. fanbase are nuts. ppl who don’t play are generally really like. méprisants. what’s the word. contemptuous? about it? which is fair bc like gacha game & lots of shitty worldbuilding but like getting reactions of the sort when u bring up an interest is never that pleasant so it’s like. cool i can never talk to anyone about anything

[biggest-gaudiest-patronuses]

So I (finally!) bought a pair of really good noise cancelling headphones, and it has changed my life! It's the fanciest thing I've bought in years, so to recoup some of the cost, I’ve researched & written a little essay based on my experiences with extreme noise sensitivity.

Hypersensitivity to sound is something I’ve dealt with all of my life, but I only recently found out it's medically known a Hyperacusis. (Please note this is a separate condition from Misophonia.) If you consistently struggle to cope with noise, the info below could be helpful! I’m including a link to my ko-fi, and I will be answering questions in the notes.

(skip to the bottom to read fun facts about my tax return and/or street organs vendettas!)

DISCLAIMER: I am not a professional, this is based solely on my experiences as a patient, and on what I have read and been told by professionals. Please notify me if you have corrections or concerns about accuracy!

BACKGROUND: Sensitivity to sound is a common type of sensory issue. While anyone can experience such issues (most people, for example, might be bothered by loud music in a crowded restaurant), some people are more sensitive than others, to the point it becomes a quality-of-life aka a medical issue.

If you consistently struggle with environmental stimuli that other people aren’t bothered by (background noises, bright lights, certain textures and tastes, etc), to the point it causes daily discomfort or limits the environments you can be in, I recommend reading about Sensory Processing Disorder.

SPD and sound sensitivity are both super common in autistic folks (like me!), but allistic (non-autistic) people can experience them too. Weep, ye prisoners of mortal coil, for none are safe, nothing sacred, not in this thy most accursed tomb of human flesh!

Anyway.

SOUND SENSITIVITY or HYPERACUSIS: Noise issues are particularly difficult to navigate in a world that is increasingly...noisy. The relatively new phenomenon of constant overhead music in restaurants, grocery stores, shopping malls etc—all of this means that public spaces are increasingly inaccessible to people with auditory issues.*

As a kid, nothing quite triggered sensory overload/meltdowns for me like the constant exposure to noise I couldn’t control—the background chatter of other kids in the lunchroom, the constant noise in public spaces, being trapped in the car with the radio on.... I had so many fights with my siblings about the car radio, and who got to choose the music.**

But it’s not just loud sounds that are the problem. As an adult who lives alone and works from home***, I’m lucky enough to be able to avoid loud environments most of the time. This does wonders for my general levels of anxiety and discomfort. But even in a mostly controlled environment, I still experience problems. Because part of sound sensitivity is that even normal or quiet sounds can feel loud and intrusive. Here are some “normal” sounds that can cause me discomfort (ranging from annoyance to outright pain, depending on the day):

refrigerator/AC/ceiling lights humming

dishwasher/washing machine noises

ceiling fan making that damn ceiling fan noise

faint sounds of traffic

riding in a car

other people having a normal conversation in the background

someone talking to me in a perfectly normal inside voice

Unfortunately, even in a “controlled” environment, many triggering noises can’t be controlled. And many parts of life can’t be lived in a controlled environment. This presents...some incredibly freaking annoying problems. Luckily there are solutions!

Sorta.

There are sorta some solutions.

They are imperfect, but they help.

TREATMENT: And now I have something rather shame-faced to admit. In all the years of managing my symptoms, it never once occurred to me to see a hearing specialist for my issues with sound. I wasn’t even aware that treatment options exist, because none of my other doctors mentioned it. Instead, I’ve spent years finding my own coping mechanisms and tools, with help from therapists and psychiatrists, but without ever consulting an audiologist/ENT. It was only while researching this post that I found out that was even an option, holy shit.

So it turns out I am going to be making an appointment with my local ENT practice. shit.

Apparently treatment options include sound/acoustic therapy, systematic desensitization/exposure therapy, cognitive behavior therapy, sound machines, and other options that I had no idea even existed, goddammit.

MANAGEMENT: In the meantime, here are my current coping mechanisms. I’ve relied rather heavily on hearing protection, which is very useful when used in moderation. Unfortunately, it can cause its own problems: it’s important not to overuse hearing protection, because in the long-term this can increase your sensitivity. So again: a useful tool, but be careful not to overdo it.

With that in mind, here are some of the coping strategies I’ve used over the last decade to manage my symptoms. This is not a perfect system and you should contact your local ENT clinic for better, long-term solutions, but in the meantime here are some tips I use to just get myself through the damn day:

Regularly spending time in a quiet controlled environment, to allow my nervous system to decompress.

Wearing earplugs, (I use two different grade, depending on the level of noise prevention I need), and always carrying an extra pair in case I need them unexpectedly. I bought a 50 pack for $7 and put spares in all my bags and jacket pockets.

(I mostly use Mack’s Ultra Soft, but there are so many types and materials and brands, including foam, silicone, wax, custom moldable etc. Even if you have trouble wearing things in your ears, you might be able to find something comfortable.)

Similarly: hearing protection earmuffs, the kind used in gun ranges and on construction sites. I bought mine online for $10. they look like normal wireless headphones, so I've never gotten comments when wearing mine in public (other than “cool heaphones” bc i added skull glitter stickers).

Sometimes I wear the earmuffs on top of earplugs, when life is just too damn LOUD.

Listening to music w/ earbuds or headphones is a great way to balance out background noises, especially if you can find soothing playlists that help you concentrate. Also useful to put in just one earbud when you need to pay attention in class/at work.

Pro tip: if your hair is long enough you can wear wireless earbuds without anyone knowing.

White noise, rain noises, ocean noises etc can be helpful! Some people like whale songs although personally this activates my primal fear response

Active noise cancelling headphones: the reason I wrote this post to begin with—I finally bought a pair! As in, a really good pair! As in, a depressingly expensive pair with noise cancelling technology that actually WORKS, holy shit. I probably need to wear them a little less at home (bc overprotection causes problems in the longterm) but they have absolutely transformed my ability to go out in public and i never ever want to take these suckers off again please take a power screwdriver and nail these to my head, bury me in the sweet sweet shroud of silence. holy canoli and cream puffs I want to marry form a civil partnership with these headphones. Plus they have a bunch of features, like being able to control the level of noise cancellation, so I can hold a conversation or be aware of some ambient noise for safety reasons.

Oh, and also they play music I guess?

Sorry sorry I promise this post wasn’t supposed to be me shilling for Big Electronics. I’m just excited, I’m an excited flabby little ball of expired flubber. ANC headphones aren’t a perfect solution, and I still sometimes wear earplugs underneath, and I will always be uncomfortable some of the time, but for me it’s been a big step.

Unfortunately the cost of good quality ANC technology means this isn’t an option for everyone, and the (much cheaper) gunshot protection earmuffs I mentioned earlier still provide an impressive amount of protection and bang-for-your buck (maybe even an equal amount of protection, if you can find ones that fit well). But if noise consistently prevents you from enjoying public space and life in general, and you’ve already tried earmuffs & earplugs and find they don’t offer enough comfort/convenience/protection, and if you’re in a position to save up for a one time non-necessity purchase of $150+, noise cancelling headphones are an option to be aware of. (Please always check the return policy so you can try before you buy. I ended up buying and returning 2 pairs before finding what worked best for me. And please look for a retailer that offers an extended warranty. You want those motherforkers to last).

There are cheaper options available, including some under $50. The ones I tried didn't work as well as my hearing protection earmuffs, but some people report good experiences, so that is something to consider. it's always good to know your options! Passive noise canceling is another affordable alternative.

Medication: A final tool in my toolbox, which for me personally has helped as much as every other method combined. Like, a lot, it’s helped a lot. It turns out some anti-anxiety medications can also help sensory issues. There’s not much research on this, and I only discovered it firsthand when a medication my doctor prescribed for anxiety ended up significantly helping my sensory issues. I no longer need medication for anxiety, but my psychiatrist still prescribes that same medication off-label for my sensory stuff. Ask your psychiatrist to research your options (they will probably have to do some digging to find relevant research, but you deserve to know all your options, even the obscure ones). Fyi, the medication I use is in the benzodiazepines class, but there are other options for those concerned about dependency or side effects.

(I'm also told anti-anxiety supplements may be helpful, though I haven't tried this yet. If you're on prescription meds, always talk to your doctor about contraindications before taking anything over-the-counter.)

So there you have it, my main coping strategies for sound sensitivity! They are not a replacement for medical treatment (except that last one which is in fact...medical treatment), but I find them helpful and I hope some of you will too! I’ve struggled for a long time, and I’m very pleased to have reached the point where I can just do things in public. Eating out in loud restaurants? I can do that now, and even enjoy it, holy shit! I can comfortably travel in cars for hours at a time, and walk around shopping malls and grocery stores with overhead music, and, and —and just exist. It is so so freeing, to feel like maybe, after everything, you are actually allowed to just exist in a world that wasn’t really designed for you.

Again, be careful not to overuse hearing protection—the goal is to allow you to be less uncomfortable and to function better, but if you find you are becoming more sensitive to noise, it is time to dial it back a notch. Or maybe consider listening to music (at a reasonable volume) to block out background noise instead.

*(This also includes people with hearing loss and related issues, btw. While that’s not my area of knowledge, I would welcome it if any of my HoH followers want to share their experiences.)

**A sign of sensory issues that parents often miss is when a child complains about music being too loud—but has no problem listening to their own music at high volume. This is because music that is already familiar to the listener (and that the listener enjoys) is much easier for the brain to process, since it knows what pattern of sounds to expect. Loud music that they get to control can be soothing for people with sound issues, especially when it blocks out background noise and sensations. This is why repetitively playing the same songs can be a helpful form of stimming.

***(working on this blog, actually. since it’s my only source of income, my 2020 income tax return literally lists my occupation as ‘Tumblr Blogger.’ Oddly, my parent didn’t feel this achievement was worth including in the holiday family newsletter.)

bonus fun fact: Charles Babbage aka “father of the computer” may have been autistic and hypersensitive to sound. He definitely had a huge problem with public noise pollution, and spent his later year waging a war on street musicians (and organ grinders in particular).

(bc like, yeah. screw organ grinders.)

Sometimes when I’m out in public and the overhead music is particularly unbearable, I’ll take a moment to look up to the sky and scream out: “HE TRIED TO WARN US! THE FATHER OF COMPUTERS TRIED TO WARN US!!! we should have listened, sweet heaven we should have listened!”

except i don’t scream it, i say it very quietly under my breath

(i have issues with noise)

so yeah that is my short essay. and here is the ko-fi goal

k ciao i gotta go pick out glitter stickers for my headphones

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

i wonder how exactly do people manage to get diagnosis? i'm suspecting i might have high-functioning depression, because in the past month all i do is sleep and eat and not shower for... days. i only shower when i feel very greasy. changing into proper clothes feels like a bother, so i never went out to get food, and rely on online delivery instead. seeing how much money i wasted bc i get deliveries instead of walking to food stalls is kinda alarming, but i'm aware that the other alternative is me not even eating at all. i only go to my campus like... 3x a week? i can manage to appear normal and feel a bit normal when with my friends, but my thesis is also pretty stressful. idk what i'm trying to convey but basically at campus i appear normal (except maybe my slow progress at thesis), but when i'm back at my dorms i become this... very passive person.

i'm seeing a therapist, mainly bc back when my thesis first started, i got so overwhelmed i had passive suicidal thoughts. but i find myself not being able to be honest abt the extent of my struggles. i'm very embarrassed to admit that i've been having difficulty with hygiene. my therapist gives off a mom vibe, so i think i'm scared to be judged for my lack of hygiene... not showering for days, not even changing my clothes or underwear, not brushing my teeth, not cleaning my living space and letting ants surround leftover food... so i always made myself presentable during session. idk, seeing as the session is in-person, i dont think she'd take it well if she know someone who didnt bathe for days entered her clean room. but me pretending that everything is okay makes her think im just having normal thesis struggles, which sucks. but im also scared to be honest abt my hygiene issues.

another thing is my social anxiety. its actually so bad that i cant go out of my dorm room without making sure there arent anyone outside. im not acquainted with anyone in the dorm, i dont even know their names or how they look. but im also scared to tell my therapist abt this??? im scared she will tell me to make friends to overcome my anxiety??? which is scary??? i feel self conscious bc what if someone has been paying attention to how i barely ever leave my room or that they never hear any showering sounds from me??? idk its scary. im pretty sure i have social anxiety, but my therapist has managed to make me open up and im not super quiet during sessions and can behave mostly like myself so i unconsciously put on a mask that always makes me be in denial abt my issues (in this case, pretending i have proper social skills, instead of admittinh i shrivel in fear when put in new social situations)

my thesis is also very much in bad state but instead of telling my therapist that my advisor thinks i havent been taking the thesis seriously (which hurts, bc i do worry abt its progress, even if it looks like im not making proper progress), i tell her that my worries arent proportional to the reality (bc my catastrophizing mind thought i would need to redo everything, while the reality is i only got told to make changes).

tldr im scared to be honest to my therapist bc of internalized shame and all that, even tho thats the reason i decided to pursue therapy? but also its scaryyy. esp the hygiene part. ppl around me are the clean types who hates messy stuff so i think it exacerbates the shame. esp bc i dont just have a messy room, but also havent been showering for days

Hi anon,

First of all I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling. Please know you're not alone. I admit that I also struggle with hygiene in a very similar way as well as consistently eating takeout, and I have diagnosed depression. It sounds like you have some big and intimidating responsibilities right now, and that's perhaps feeding into your depressive symptoms. You feel overwhelmed, misunderstood, and lost.

I understand the resistance to open up to your therapist about things that you have internalized shame about. Please just know that one of the main purposes of a therapist is to not make you feel judged or ridiculed, and any therapist who does do this doesn't deserve their position because it's damaging to a client. That is the last thing you need right now.

I can definitely relate to feeling judged by your therapist solely out of internalized shame alone and not any sort of cues on their end. In my experience, every time I did decide to open up about the thing I was ashamed about, it always ended up going much better than I anticipated. That being said, if you are picking up on cues from your therapist that makes you feel like she would judge you for opening up about this, then this therapist may not be a good fit for you. You deserve a therapist that doesn't make you feel judged.

I recognize that it can be an intimidating hurdle to decide to talk about these uncomfortable subjects with your therapist. But please consider that once you do choose to talk about it, your therapist can give you tools and direction to figure out how to manage both your depression and your social anxiety. Ultimately, it's important to take your time with this - don't feel pressured necessarily into opening up to your therapist, do so when you feel ready, but just consider the fact that you deserve help.

I hope I could help. Please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun