#Ballerina Farm

[spurgie-cousin]

This is such a good, succinct way of describing the illusion of choice many fundamentalist women and men have when it comes to life paths.

[icedsodapop]

The radfems dismissing any critique of white feminism when it comes to criticizing how much attention and sympathy the Ballerina Farm controversy is receiving are so annoying. But then again, transphobes don't understand intersectionality 🤷🏻‍♀️

Is what happening to Ballerina Farm horrible? Yes, the tradwife life is inherently horrible becos they are part of a relationship dictated by patriarchal values and rigid gender roles. However, is it the worst thing to happen to women? No, there are other horrible things happening to women, esp Black and Brown women that yall are ignoring. It's giving Gabby Petito debate, it's giving Barbie Oscars controversy.

[frances-baby-houseman]

“Our first few years of marriage were really hard, we sacrificed a lot,” she says. “But we did have this vision, this dream and —” Daniel interrupts: “We still do.” What kind of sacrifices, I ask her. “Well, I gave up dance, which was hard. You give up a piece of yourself. And Daniel gave up his career ambitions.”

I look out at the vastness and don’t totally agree. Daniel wanted to live in the great western wilds, so they did; he wanted to farm, so they do; he likes date nights once a week, so they go (they have a babysitter on those evenings); he didn’t want nannies in the house, so there aren’t any. The only space earmarked to be Neeleman’s own — a small barn she wanted to convert into a ballet studio — ended up becoming the kids’ schoolroom.

This is very, very good. Paywall free link. The epidural part was heartbreaking.

[tinyfrog51]

It's taken me a while to process the Ballerina Farms article from the Times, but now that the screaming online has died down I think what truly upsets me about this comes in layers.

First, I am sad and afraid for Hannah Neeleman. She's clearly an intelligent, driven, caring woman. I have no doubt that she would be just as popular and successful had she never met her husband. And I pity her because she was unfortunate to cross paths with a man who made it his life goal to derail hers.

I don't think Hannah Neeleman is at fault for her current situation. She grew up in a cult, and her decisions are guided by the damage Mormonism inflicted upon her. And frankly, she resisted this life as much as she could (by rejecting her current husband for 6 months before he finally overwhelmed her) which was immensely brave.

Second, I am angry. I am angry at her husband, at the Mormon "church", at a society that allows women like Hannah to be churned into the ground for men to walk on. Her husband had the pick of any Mormon girl who had been groomed to be a perfect homemaker from birth, and he chose Hannah because she was resisting.

And this is what drives me insane. Men like Hannah's husband don't want a submissive wife. They want an ambitious woman to beat into submission. He doesn't want Hannah, he wants her suffering; not allowing pain remediation in childbirth, gifting her an apron when she begged for a vacation, turning her dance studio into storage. He controls her body, her time, and her finances. It wouldn't nearly be so fun for him if his wife wanted all of these things too (if it was, he would have married one of those women!) He doesn't love having a "trade wife," he loves having a woman to torture.

And finally I am so frustrated at the public reaction to this. The outcry at Hannah's treatment being met with one of three responses:

1. Abuse is ok if it's her choice! #feminism #slay

2. Women are supposed to be abused, and in fact they love it and the women who say it's bad are jealous because they wish they were being abused too

3. Women criticizing a clearly abusive relationship is because women love tearing each other down. A woman's biggest hater will always be another woman!

So now, I dont know if I will see a change in how we treat women in my lifetime. I hope when my children are my age, they won't have to make long tumblr posts about their agony at how women are treated.

All I can do is hope that Hannah Neeleman will be safe and happy one day. And pray that she finds the courage to push her disgusting husband into a combine harvester.

[femrodeeeeo]

women are dismissing the whole ballerina farm thing as white feminism because they want us to talk about another woman while not realising they too only care about women from their own country and region 💀

pissing me off real bad cause there's so many women saying everything is her choice and she can leave anytime she wants as if woc don't go through the same thing when they live life controlled by their parents and the men around them, ending up as miserable housewives(servants) even though they were the smartest in their STEM course. If you can't see that similarity of control through 'family values' and religion you need head back to school and learn some common sense.

[joanofexys]

ballerina farm devastates me because y'all don't know how many girls i know who are her. how i almost was her. how so many girls i know were almost her. how many i know that will still become her. mormon girls, who, despite all their ambitions, will give up every one of their dreams for a man and a "traditional" lifestyle they were taught they needed, and call it equal. who will insist that he made sacrifices too. that though it's not what she wanted she's happy. being raised as a mormon girl in utah, or being a young woman converting to mormonism, you're taught that no matter where you go or what you achieve that you'll never be nothing more than your future husband. that your only purpose is to be a mother and a wife. and that full ride to julliard never mattered. and it never will. because you're a wife now. and you have eight kids to take care of. and a ballet studio that never came to be because it's a schoolroom. and your husband won't pull his weight even when you're fainting and bedridden from exhaustion. and your husband refuses to leave the room for your interview. and you admit to your epidural like it's a secret and it's something to be ashamed of. and you admit that this was never the life you wanted, this was never what you planned, and you still insist your happy. i know dozens of little girls who dreamed of being ballerinas. doctors. scientists. singers. movie stars. lawyers. authors. astronauts. olympians. i know that those little girls are now young women who go to church every sunday. wives. mothers. homemakers. caretakers. nuturers. fulfilling their heavenly duty. their obligation to their husband. i know a dozen hannah neeleman's. i know her because i almost was her. i know her because i see her in my mother and my grandmother and her mother too. and right now she's an internet trend who will disappear for most people in a couple months. you probably never learned her name. but i see hannah neeleman in every girl i grew up going to church with. in all the 18 year old wives and 20 year old first time moms. and it will be hard to forget the way her face still lights up whenever she gets to dance. feet moving along the hard wood of the schoolroom floor. and she will be someone more than her husband, more than a mother or a wife.

[feyres-divorce-lawyer]

the choice feminists responding to the ballerina farm profile are pissing me ooofff. “she chose this life, why can’t you respect her choice” he fucking stalked her for six months, and then when finding out she was taking a flight back to new york he “pulled a fee strings” asked his rich daddy who owns jetblue to get him a seat next to her on the plane and made it their first date. shut the fuck up.

[phoenixyfriend]

IDK how many of you remember @professorsparklepants's post about the unintended tragedy implied in Avril Lavigne's Sk8er Boy from a while back, but uhhhhhh it's basically Ballerina Farm.

If you've heard the edges of that drama and are curious but don't want to get in too deep, here's the rundown:

I heard about it in two videos:

Tyler Bender has more focus on the ways that an influencer may be specifically presenting herself for the interviewer, and the impact of Mormonism on the choices (Bender is herself a former(?) member of the LDS church, and speaks from that perspective, and has experience in the field of marketing)

Film Cooper, while I often have issues with his videos, does a lot more focus on just how relevant Julliard and the 'first student in decades(?) to get pregnant' are to the story, and clips of how happy she seems to be when dancing on camera

If you'd rather have a summary in text form, here we go:

BallerinaFarms is an influencer considered a big name in the tradwife community. Mormon, eight kids, runs a farm with her husband. She got a lot of press earlier in the year for winning Mrs. America two weeks after giving birth.

As a result, a journalist interviewed her ,and the 'perfect' image that has been presented to the world has been firmly shattered, and that's after a lot of cracks were showing in the socials already.

(Mrs. American is not a typo. It's not a tradwife pageant, to my knowledge, it's just a Miss America for married women.)

Basic timeline/summary of the article...

She got into Julliard. She was on track to be a world famous ballerina.

She did not want to date this man. She turned him down for six months. He snagged a seat next to her on a plane ride from salt lake city to nyc, by making a call, becaus his dad OWNS JET BLUE. They talked a lot on the plane, and then she agreed to date him. Insisted on a year of dating before engagement or marriage.

They get married after three months instead. She gets pregnant pretty quick. First Julliard student to get pregnant in a Very Long Time because generally, if you get into Julliard, ballet is your life. She was also on scholarship. She was That Good. Performed overseas and everything.

So that's her career ambitions down the drain. But it's Fine, Totally Fine, because she's got a baby, and a husband, and he is moving them to South America for a few years.

She has about one baby a year.

They move back to the US to a semi-isolated farm in Utah, not too far from civilization but not all that close, either.

She does not get to have childcare. No nannies. Babysitters are allowed one night per week (date night) and otherwise not at all. She is also homeschooling the eight children.

She did not get to have any painkillers for the kids… except one, which she only mentioned to the reporter when the husband was out of the room, and says that the epidural was amazing.

She still loves ballet. It's the only time in her videos that she seems truly happy.

Her husband really wants to be a cowboy but, again, his dad owns airlines. He's a billionaire trust fund baby.

This was his dream life. She repeatedly Seems To Stop Herself from saying things about how unhappy she is and how it wasn't her plan in life. (Is this calculated to get enough attention that she can get away? To get more clicks on her videos? Actual slips? Unclear.)

There's a notable video where she's filmed opening a birthday present and she keeps talking about tickets to Greece (clearly something she's been dropping hints about enough for her to assume that he got it for her, especially since she's on camera) and it's... an egg apron.

One of her only requests for the farm was that they would renovate a barn into a ballet studio for her. It is, instead, a schoolroom for the children.

She apparently collapses of exhaustion regularly, from having to look after eight children with minimal help, in addition to the content creation, the cooking--they have cleaners, but she does the food herself--running the farm, homeschooling, and being pregnant more often than not.

It's a shitshow and people are rightfully horrified. I'm sure I missed some stuff but it's really sad.

The snippets of video that FilmCooper shows, and the excerpts that both videos have from the article, paint a picture of a REALLY controlling husband even in settings where you'd think the man would at least try to act like he's not evil.

Explains the title on that Film Cooper video.

(You can also see why this made me think of the Prof post.)

[iguessweallcrazyithinktho]

As much as we romanticize rich men on the internet they're not all they're hyped up to be. They can be controlling and narcissistic and just downright horrible people! never let someone rich take care of your finances or own all of your Stuff. Don't let someone rich trap you with 8 kids because he knows what he's doing there. Don't ever let someone rich humble you and continue to disrespect you even though you deserve the world. Don't ever let a rich man marry you so fast and impregnate you while you're in one of the top schools you fought so hard to get into. Stop letting men rich or poor ruin your life before you get to live it

[spurgie-cousin]

Here is the profile from The Times on Ballerina Farm if you'd like to read it, I've only had time to skim it but holy shit. Her husband does a lot of talking for her in this article and it does paint a picture that was even bleaker than I think most people realized.

It sounds like she is just run ragged, contrary to popular belief she does not have any help in the day to day at all, and it apparently gets to the point where he husband says she can be in bed for days from pure exhaustion. it also sounds like her husband pushed her to give up her previous ambitions to start a family quicker than she originally wanted, so she tries so hard to fit pursuing her own goals into an insane schedule but it's just too much for one person to do most of the time.

Anyway this article really paints her husband as a controlling asshole, and for the first time ever I'm feeling sympathy for Hannah.

[todorkihoe]

seeing the collective psychosis that white women are going through on tiktok about this “ballerina farm” woman is so insane and infuriating because these people will claim to be feminists but it’s radio silence when there’s thousands of missing native american women and black women getting murdered by cops in their own homes everyday.

people saw this white woman who CHOSE not to go to julliard and instead chose to get married, have 8 children, and live a mormon lifestyle and lost their minds. you never hear them speak about any other social justice issues but as soon as this stay at home mom does an interview about the life she CHOSE to have it’s uproar and we all need to save her.

it’s commonplace in other countries for women to be literally forced into marriage and forced to bear that many children and you don’t hear ANYTHING about it. but this woman says that she wanted to be a ballerina and instead is now a stay at home mom married to a billionaire and i’m seeing thousands of videos about how “heartbreaking” her situation is.

and i’ve heard so much about how “you can care about two things at once” and yeah, that’s true but the thing is the people saying that could not give a shit less about the systemic oppression of women of color literally right in front of their faces.

[pinkribbonsblog]

[hood-ex]

"I was going to be a ballerina. I was a good ballerina," has the exact same vibe as Neil Perry saying, "I was good. I was really good."

[delilahsdaughter]

A poem about Ballerina Farm:

she was going to be a ballerina.

she was a good ballerina.

but she is a woman.

and she is a good woman.

each is a supernatural performance,

requiring sacrifices, they told her:

tear through tissue, twist joints, refine your flesh down to the bone.

but in the pain you’ll be

divine

miraculous

martyred

as testament to the beauty of His design.

still, The Director is never satisfied.

his hands are always on her hips, readjusting her form for the seventh, eighth, ninth time

forcing

back to back contortions.

tradition’s pressure points ever-tender,

bruises never healed before another forms in its place

and her bath pooling red at the end of each season.

but this glory can’t be forever, He warned her:

woman’s metre is quick

in time your body won’t keep up

and new girls are born everyday, it seems.

so, she yields to him:

grins in the temple

still in white tulle and up-pinned braids

just like she dreamed when she was a girl.

now she’s on her toes,

arms taut, fingers flexed, reaching for the highest shelf

in focus under hot lights.

the crowd is demanding, hungry

and The Director watching on, ignoring her strain

as she performs

an endless arabesque.

this isn’t so different, she tells herself

and she wanted this,

didn’t she?

[evitachristine]

Do you recognise the woman in these pictures?

How about this one?

Her name is Hannah Wright.

Still doesn’t ring a bell? She got married. This is her now:

And this:

And this:

Why am I writing this? Look at her expression in the first two pictures.

Compare that to her expression in the videos.

You can’t tell me she doesn’t look dead in her eyes even if she’s smiling in her current state. Compare that to the young girl full of dreams on the left. She is now a shell of a woman of what could have been.

And before you say “Oh she’s a grown woman, she made her own choices!” I’m going to leave this here.

I don’t agree with the part where she says she doesn’t think this is a discussion about feminism, because without feminism, there would be NO discussion about women in Hannah’s situation whatsoever. But it is important to take the religious cult indoctrination into context as well. The poor woman is brainwashed.

And because the cut outs are low quality, here are one more picture of Hannah (bcs dang tumblr doesn’t allow more) as what she was supposed to be, full. It’s taken from an article from 2007, that’s why, and from Julliard website.

[probablyasocialecologist]

One of the trad lifestyle’s most potent attractions is nostalgia. When the Neelemans began renovations on their 103-year-old, 2,500-square-foot farmhouse in 2018, they instructed the contractor to expose the original hardwood floors and restore the century-old fireplace that the previous owners had tiled over. They asked for a red wooden barn for their animals rather than the metal ones preferred by modern farmers. “Each time a visitor compliments us on how much they like our ‘old red barn,’” Hannah wrote on Instagram, “I smile. It’s only two months old, but you would never know.” The contractors also demolished the kitchen to bring Hannah’s vision to life, but “we didn’t restore our centenarian home to its original glory only to endow it with a modern kitchen,” she explained. Instead, they replaced the old white stove with a cast-iron AGA model that costs up to $20,000, hid the refrigerator in the pantry, and installed a linen curtain to conceal the dishwasher. Pioneers didn’t have such luxuries, but the Neelemans would—in private.

[...]

The past that tradwives want to return to, an anachronistic pastiche of rugged pioneer individualism and midcentury familial plenty, never really existed. The lifestyle they promote is, like the Neelemans’ faux-rustic kitchen, a thoroughly modern construction: its incongruous elements are concealed behind bespoke doors and linen curtains. These aesthetic signifiers, confused as they may be, point to periods of American history in which white families were prioritized above all others. And some tradwives are explicit about their desire for racial supremacy.