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leajdh · 10 months ago

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Gold rush

Chapter Five: You who shimmy shook my bone, leaving me stranded all in love on my own.

He was just a few more steps away from becoming a living legend. Already praised by the media as the honored one, he made a grave mistake which not only put his Ice Hockey career on hold, it disappointed even his most loyal fans so much so that his reputation sank to an all-time low.

Then he meets you; a retired figure skating champion who is now trying to find her purpose in life after her triumphs, all while still being loved and cherished by the media and public likewise.

Satoru Gojo sees his chance to not only get back unto the rink, but also to regain his former popularity.

But he soon realizes it will be a lot harder to get on your good side, because he's everything you despise combined into one person.

Will you give him a second chance and allow him to redeem himself, or is this going to be the match for your life time?

Gojo Satoru x reader (first person narrator)

Ice Hockey AU

FAKE DATING TROPE

Enemies to lovers

English isn't my first language, so expect some grammar errors

18+!!

ALL CHAPTERS: https://www.tumblr.com/leajdh/722300699873083392/all-chapter-of-my-satoru-gojo-x-reader-fanfiction?source=share

Suguru was right.

The people love us. The picture he took yesterday of Satoru and me went viral. Not even ten minutes after it was posted on Satorus instagram page, it had over 20k likes and over a thousand comments. Surely some comments were negative but that was predictable and mostly they were genuinely nice. We got a whole lot of comments telling us that we are perfect for each other, which is such an internet thing to say, because they don’t know anything about us other than we are both skating on ice. Well, certainly this is enough for the public to think we are compatible.

We had a good run since the picture was taken. I don’t feel awkward or nervous around Satoru anymore. Against my better judgment sleeping with him really helped. I can look at him without having the sudden urge to run away and hide.

And I like to look at him, especially when he is training with his focused face, listening to everything Mei Mei screams at him, but still completely absorbed in his flow. I have only watched him train for about thirty minutes, however I was hooked by his movements. The itch to watch him far longer was there, but I didn’t want to come across as if I have any kind of interest in him outside of our contract.

The way I smiled at him in this goddamn picture was enough to set me off.

I slept with him, I smiled like a simpleton at him and now I even enjoyed him playing Ice Hockey, the sport I hate more than anything.

I had to press on my mental brake. Falling for him isn’t an option. After all, I still have my doubts about him. I can’t throw them all over board because we had sex. He is ever so unpredictable and arrogant and just not the one for me.

At least social media proved itself useful in my dilemma. A user posted an edit of the way I glance before I step on the ice followed by a clip of Satoru doing the same. Once we are on the ice, knowing something is there to win, we both look and act the same.

Maybe that’s what fascinates me when I watch him train. It is like looking in a macabre mirror, seeing another person as infatuated as myself with being the best. We have the same fixed stare, head slightly tilted downwards, looking up between our lashes and noticing everything around us without losing our center. Shoulders and back straight and neck long. The perfect posture, even while stepping and sliding on the ice.

I wish to know if his heart has the same beat as mine in these kinds of moments. Strong enough to feel it pulsate in my ears, feeling the blood flow hot up and down my carotid artery, vision focused but also blurry from the frenzy.

The emergence of goosebumps all over the skin, not enough for others to notice, but just enough to feel it happening out of fever and being filled up with enough adrenaline to knock out a thousand men, but just enough of it to calm one maniac.

I realized from the moment he blackmailed me with this video of us, we are cut from the same cloth.

Since then I was on the lookout, my guard up to the moon but he still managed to slip right through and got the upper hand over me by noticing one of my weaknesses.

How I am actually really insecure whenever I am not on the ice.

How fragile my self-perception is.

How important the voices of others are.

How my life is one big ongoing performance.

I let him see a glimpse of the real me and in return I got nothing. All I know about him, I can read online. Just some standard information. Granted our contract was formed because he wants his popularity back. Something that seems important to him. Nevertheless Suguru was the one who told me the resentment of his fans affected Satoru. It wasn’t Satoru who openly claimed and explained it.

He doesn’t let me in and it pisses me off.

I don’t want him to win. When we will walk out of the contract, I want to have the upper hand.

Should we be a team? Absolutely.

Are we both team players? Absolutely not.

Well, I know I am not a team player. He should be one as the captain of an Ice Hockey team, but I have the eerie feeling just for our state of affairs, he won’t be one.

I need to get the control back or at least a draw.

But how?

Think, think, think.

Totally lost in my thoughts upon creating a counter strike, I notice the big, gloomy figure behind me first when an arm like a tree trunk hovers over my head to grab something from the supermarket shelf I stand in front of. Irritated by the close proximity of this random person showing up right behind me, I quickly turn around and stare up at a man, who grins like the devil himself. He isn’t looking at me, staring at the grocery he wants from the shelf but that grin.

I know it is for me and strangely I have the feeling we met before.

“Well, excuse me”, I mutter, finding it troublesome to have someone in my personal space.

“You’re excused”, he answers, still not looking at me while examining the ingredients of the product he just grabbed. I feel a shiver down my spine from how low and thorny his voice is, but I try to not get too alarmed as I roll my eyes at his answer. With an offended side stare, I take a step to the side.

He is tall, not as tall as Satoru but broader, taking up more space in an uncomfortable manner. His arms and even his face are crested in thick, black tattoos. Maybe he has some more all over his body but I won’t ever be able to tell. Sharp facial features with a strong jaw and menacing warm eyes with a reddish hue to them. With his wide smirk still plastered on his face, I shortly doubt myself that the man next to me is human. The teeth are barbed and massive like ones feline predators have.

“Loser.”

As soon as he adds this word, my head snaps back up.

Oh my fucking god. He is real.

The memories of him hit me like a ton of bricks.

Tokyo, Japan, my first world championship.

The year before I won second place at the junior world championship, ending my streak of first places.

It was devastating.

Surely once being second place isn’t the end of the world, but the media at that time was harsh and brutal on me, maybe because I never lost and they finally saw a crack in my perfect facade.

I was 16 and read articles saying from now on I will only get worse.

And I wasn’t even at the Olympics.

It felt like my entire career had no meaning and I should just quit altogether. The questions I got asked ripped me mentally into pieces as I answered them with a fake smile, ready to cry once the cameras were away. Mei Mei and my mother tried to cheer me up, telling me not to listen to such bullshit.

Figure skating is one of the most competitive sports. Each year the athletes are getting younger and breaking more limits and record after record.

Time doesn’t stop for anyone and it certainly doesn’t for athletes. I was crying for 2 days in my room calling myself old and worn-out.

Truly the joys of being an athlete.

I refused to step on the ice for over a month until my mother had enough and took my phone and computer away, forcing me back on the rink.

For her there wasn’t any other outcome. One day I would win gold in the Olympics.

Her dream for me.

But for that dream to come true, I must skate again.

And I did, reluctantly.

As if I ever had a choice in this matter. With an overly ambitious mother and my competitive mindset which was thrilled into my head as soon as I took my first step on the ice.

However, let's go back to the World Championship.

All eyes were on me and I felt it in my strangled veins. I was never so nervous and insecure on ice before.

I’m never insecure on ice. Skating is like breathing for me.

And who would ever be insecure about breathing?

You get time slots when you can enter the rink for training before the competition. I waited for my turn at the lobby, getting myself warmed up. Championships lure all kinds of people into one place and mostly other athletes. It is good press to be interested in other sports and showing support, but most athletes do it for a bit of media coverage in between their seasons.

I used to love watching swimming competitions, always finding it nice to see the contrast from ice skating.

Hard ice against soft water. Coldness against warmth.

So it wasn’t a surprise to see other athletes or just random celebrities in the hall.

I remember him. As tall as in the present but not as broad. Younger but still sharp features and already tattoos on his arms. Overall an extremely good-looking man.

He talked with reporters, grinning mischievous.

I was amazed like most of the other girls.

To be honest, to amaze me at that time, you just had to look at me at least once and open a door for me. Both things he did.

My seventeen years old brain was going haywire and you can definitely blame my mother for it. I barely had any time for friends, so meeting boys wasn’t even a theme to begin with. The only talk I really had with her was when I got my period and she instantly made an appointment to get me an IUD.

Her dream ended with her pregnancy. She wouldn’t allow the same thing to happen to me.

Granted, I never questioned her. For me it was normal to concentrate all my energy on skating.

Mei Mei always told me ‘now you are a figure skater and when you retire you will be a human again’.

Insane, right?

But I lived by that statement, focusing on skating entirely.

Just not on that day. I watched him like a hawk, walking around with a dozen people around him and taking picture after picture.

Just who was he?

I couldn’t google it because my mother still had my phone and asking wasn’t in my repertoire.

He noticed my glances. It wasn’t like I was subtle with it. I did everything to occupy my mind with something other than skating and losing again.

On the outside I seemed cool and collective, Mei Mei and my mother truly thought I was over the Junior Championship, but mentally I was a sinking ship, just one more crash against an iceberg away from becoming a wreck.

And just a few hours later I became one.

On that day less than 24 hours before the competition. I was on the ice, going over my routine.

I fell, not once, not twice, I fell so often I stopped counting. Mei Mei screamed at me, my mother completely shocked on why I performed this way.

Reporters aren’t allowed on the tribune while athletes are training in their time slots but people with VIP-passes can enter and he seemed to have one. He watched me fall and fall again with that creepy smile on his face. I tried to blend him out and it worked.

Like I said before, glances don’t bother me. I am used to being watched. Only Satoru managed to make me giddy.

Not even twenty minutes into my training I fucked up my signature triple axel, bending my ankle so hard I could hear my ligaments snatch, overstretching to the maximum. I was lucky they didn’t rip.

I bit my teeth hard together and managed to leave the rink, stomping past Mei Mei and my mother, who wanted me back on ice. They didn’t know about my ligaments, just thinking I landed poorly but if I could still skate, it wasn’t so bad, right?

Right.

Telling them with gritted teeth that I need some time for myself I went into my locker room, where I just sat down and stared at the wall for minutes, emotionless.

The blood pulsating in my feet, I knew once I put the skates off it would be bad. With shaky hands I opened them and stared at my ankle. Swollen already and I knew it would bruise.

My mother would not allow me to skate like this. She is strict but not a lunatic. If I land one more time incorrectly without the ligaments fully healed, they will snap completely and my career is over.

But I needed, no, I wanted the World Champion title.

Now or never. I didn’t want to wait another year.

Another year would mean one year older, one year nearer my retirement.

I wanted to cry but nothing came out.

Eventually with an injury like this, I must have accepted that my career was ending.

I just wasn’t good enough for the Olympics.

There is no shame to it. A lot of athletes never make it.

I instantly kick these thoughts in the butt. No, it isn’t over. I can do this. I will not fall tomorrow at the competition. I will win. I can take care of my ankle after the competition. It will fully heal.

I knew it.

It was nearly 10 years ago, so I don’t quite remember how long I was alone with my thoughts as the door opened and someone stepped in. I remember I sighed, madly trying to hide the swelling with a towel thrown over it. I expected my mother or Mei Mei to be the ones bothering me, but it was him with a big fat grin sitting on his face.

Throughout the conversation we were going to have his grin stayed on, sometimes fading or growing. But one thing is engraved in my brain like an antibiotic resistant parasite. His first words to me. Simple, but so world shattering to me.

“Hey, Loser.”

He called me what I was truly thinking of myself at that moment, but never dared to acknowledge.

Nevertheless I couldn’t believe someone would call me that. Before I even had the chance to tell him to fuck himself and get lost, he kept on talking. Along the lines of he knows torn ligaments when he sees them happening.

Staring him down I should have told him to leave my cabin, instead I said: “They aren’t torn, just on the edge of it.”

I removed the towel and leaned over to my bag, taking out sport tapes. With a smile I babbled more to myself: “I had worse.”

Confidence is the key but my act didn’t work on him. He just leaned against the wall in front of me, not believing a single word by the way he looked at me.

As I started to pull my legging up and begin sticking the tapes down, he clicked his tongue in disbelief.

“By the way this is a private cabin.”, he ignored my words and with two big steps, he was right in front of me, taking the tapes out of my hand and muttering curses to himself.

Mercilessly he grabbed my lower leg and stretched it out, my feet staying on his hard chest. It hurt like hell and I yelped, which gained me a side eye and something along the lines of ‘stop being a fucking pussy’.

Usually I would say something snarky back, but I didn’t dare with him. Instead I just murmured: “I know how to tape myself.”

He only snorted mockingly at that and started to tape my ankle. If this guy is one thing, it definitely isn’t gentle. He applied the tape with such force, it felt like he wanted me to bruise even more. Still, I bit my teeth and let him do it. In between taping he started to talk to me: “I had the same thing once, so I know what to do.”

My ankle was covered in tape in the pattern of a spiderweb. He talked to me like a ruthless trainer, who ignores the health of his athlete.

“Keep the ankle cold under any circumstance, even if it feels like dying or you don’t feel anything at all.”

Then he took a normal bandage and wrapped it around, tightly, telling me not to open it until after the competition. It will swell even worse and probably needs more time to heal, but at least I could be on the ice.

Then he told me the same truth I already knew.

“If you fall, it is over”, he snickered: “maybe it would be better anyway. To just end your foolish career.”

I knew, if I fall with this injury, it is truly over. Knowing it is one thing, but hearing someone else say it out loud shook my back into reality.

“I won’t fall”, I told him without a doubt in my voice, ignoring his mean remarks. Bare teeth blinded my eyes as he laughed.

“Just making sure you know your fate.”

Asshole.

“Why even help me if I will fail?”, I bit back. He shrugged his shoulders.

“I like being surprised.”

What a fucking weirdo.

He pulled out his wallet and showed me a pill, asking if I already had my urine test. I nodded and looked skeptical at the pill. I do a lot of things to win, but I don’t take drugs. Seeing my suspicious scowl he told me: “It’s just a heavy painkiller.”

My scowl deepens. Painkillers are allowed, so why would he ask about my urine test?

He could read my mind like an open book.

"Prescribed.”

If they find a substance from a prescribed pill in my urine, I would need a doctor's note, so his question made sense.

Well, that certainly didn’t sound better, and fine, I trusted him with my ankle but I wouldn’t take a pill from him. For all I knew he could be lying and giving me drugs. He rolled his eyes as I didn’t take it like I am stupid or something for not trusting him. Quite the contrary, I thought I was pretty smart for it.

So I asked him: “Who are you even?”

All I got was a doubting laugh with furrowed brows like I am a fool for not knowing him. Based on my confused face he understood quickly I really had no clue and a devious smile grew back on his face.

“I am.. Yuji.”, he states with a pause in between like he forgot what his own name is: “I play for the Japanese national basketball team.”

Nevertheless I was hesitant. Surely he was tall enough to be a basketball player but why was he here?

Duh, why did I go to the swimming World cups? To be seen.

Still I wouldn’t take a pill from him.

I crossed my arms like a sulking child and shook my head.

The air around him switched. To be honest he wasn’t in a friendly mood to begin with but now it changed drastically.

He explained why he was even here to begin with. How he extra came for me to the Championship and how it was such a pain for his team to get him a VIP-pass.

All that for me to be a pathetic loser, who falls. He criticized my speed, my jumps and my overall form. It was like talking to all my worst critics combined. He didn’t sugarcoat one bit. His words were brutal and unforgiving.

How he gave me a chance to get my title back and get Gold again, just for me to not accept it. How much he hates wasted potential and I am the embodiment of it. A silly little pathetic loser, blessed with genetic talent but no drive.

I pushed myself up, feeling a slight sting in my leg, but didn’t mind.

How dare he? He doesn’t know shit about me. As if his fucking pill would be my path to Gold. No, I didn’t care about the pain, I could ignore it.

But I couldn’t ignore his attitude anymore. What did he even want from me? He didn’t know anything about me. We never talked before, nothing. I was angry. Angry at him and angry at me for allowing him from the beginning to talk down to me.

“Get the fuck out of my cabin!”, I hollered, but he didn’t move, smiling like my anger meant nothing to him and rather amused him, if not turning him on.

“Or what?”

Yeah, fuck that or what? Honestly there was nothing I could do against a guy like this. I bet even if I hit him, it wouldn’t affect him, probably again just turning him on.

“I will make sure they take your VIP-pass away”, oh my god, that was pathetic. Looking back I cringe at myself, but that’s all I could do.

Another deep laugh.

“Do it, this whole thing is a waste of my time anyway. I thought I would see some great talents, but all I see is a whiny slut.”

I should be afraid but I wasn’t. I was just angry.

“I am a lot but not whiny.”

“No denying on the slut part, I see.”

I roll my eyes. I didn’t even have my first kiss at that time, but he didn’t have to know.

“It’s not worth commenting”, I fired back.

Suddenly everything happened so quickly, I barely had time to register anything as he grabbed my jaw with his large hand and squeezed my cheeks together.

“I bet it turns you on being called all these degrading words”, he lowers his face to mine, nose on nose with a demonic grin plastered on his face.

I’m a winner. Degradation doesn’t turn me on. It makes my blood boil. Sadly wrath and lust often go hand in hand, but I would never let him know.

“I beg to differ”, I tear my face out of his grip.

“Then prove me wrong, loser.”, his grip traveled to my throat, holding me in place, not wanting me to look away from his challenge. I didn’t waver my glance from his dark eyes.

He leant in closer to my face, waiting for me to break away first but I kept my eyes on him, even as his lips nearly brushed mine.

Never in my life was I more happy to be interrupted by my mother as we heard a knock on the door. Slowly, still with a wide smile on his face, he let go of me like nothing happened and put the pill in my hand. In a swift motion he walked to another exit like he had no care in the world while I was frozen into place.

My mother came into the cabin and talked to me, but I didn’t listen. All I had in my mind was him and how to prove him fucking wrong.

And I did, I won Gold the next day.

With the worst pain ever in my leg I stood on the pedestal, waving with a bitter smile into the camera.

I saw him during my performance but not at the award ceremony.

Who is the loser now?

I bet he thought I couldn’t bring it. Wanted me to fall and fail, crying on national TV over my career ending.

Wrong slut, motherfucker.

However as soon as I was backstage, my leg gave in. My mother caught me and Masamichi carried me to a private cabin.

I didn’t take his pill. I didn’t need his help.

I won on my own.

When my mother took my skate off my foot I screamed, nearly blacking out. Mei Mei looked at the bandages around my ankle.

“Who did this?”, she asked furious, now understanding why I didn’t let them near my skates to fix them before my performance.

“I did it.”

“Don’t lie to me, you idiot!”

My mother proceeded to unwrap my ankle, feeling like she skinned my foot alive.

“This is a military binding technique! It is made to stabilize a dying foot so the soldier can move forward.”

“It did the job”, I muttered back in a delirious state of pain.

“You are so stupid! It is for a dying foot! With this technique they don’t want to save the foot, they just want stabilization for a moment before it will be amputated!”

I didn’t really register her words, all I had in my mind was the Gold medal around my neck and the cold metal against my chest as I fainted.

I woke up in the hospital, my foot held up by some strings and tubes pumping a liquid into it.

The pain was bearable, but my foot felt heavy and numb.

I looked over and saw my mother sitting in a chair. She didn’t look happy like most mothers would be once their child woke up after fainting.

“What the hell did you think?”

I thought nothing to be frank. I did as he told me and it worked. It worked perfectly. I won Gold. My lucky streak would be back.

“I did what I had to do to win”, I replied.

“You could have not only lost your career as a figure skater, you could have lost your foot!”

“But I didn’t.”

“Don’t act smart with me now!”

“I am the world champion, mom.”

“I don’t care.”

“You do, you only ever cared about that.”

“That is not true.”

I stared at her with a tired but fierce expression. If she wanted to tell herself that, she could do it. I wouldn’t stop her. Making herself feel like she was the mother of the century.

If I had shown her my foot, yeah, she would have said no to the competition but I would have gotten the silent treatment for weeks.

Like getting an injury is my fault. For her it would be.

Because how dare me to fail her dream.

She put so much energy into me. Imagine it all failing.

What a waste of time. All for a loser like me.

Certainly I have shown in this performance I am not a loser. My performance was worthy of the Olympics and I would go to them the coming year and win Gold too.

I am a fucking winner. The whole world is going to know my name.

Everything felt unreal. My career wasn’t over. If my foot wasn’t going to fully recover my mother would have told me instantly instead of trying to lecture me.

I softly chuckled to myself, thinking about him. At this moment of delusion I truly thought I owe this motherfucker my career.

“Right now you look just like your father”, she said quietly: “I don’t recognize you.”

Still in my trance I tilted my head to my mother and just sputtered: “At least I am not a loser like you.”

The moment I said it was the moment I regretted it. Before I had the chance to apologize, she was out of the room, leaving me alone.

No, I was wrong. I didn’t owe him my career, he only took part in creating a new part of my personality. An irrational and cruel one.

He made me the cunt I am.

For years I thought he was a ghost I created myself. Like part of my hidden personality came out the moment I nearly gave up and brutally dragged me back on the ice.

To kick me even harder at my lowest point and either leave me there or make me get back up.

I never apologized to my mother, but I got my phone and computer back and she acted like nothing happened, training me for the Olympics once my foot was back to normal. I lost two months of training because of my injury and the binding technique, but it didn’t matter. I knew whatever would come in between the Olympics and me would be demolished. I was never going to give up.

He was a mystery I didn’t want to solve. I could have googled him, but I didn’t. I liked the idea of him just being a weird imagination of mine to get back on track.

But now he is standing next to me in the cereal aisle of a small town supermarket and I am sure he is not a projection of my mind. He is real.

“I know you are but what am I?”, I croak back, my voice lost in my throat.

“You are witty, I will give you that.”, he chortles, cracking a smile: “But I take it back, you certainly aren’t a loser.”

“So don’t call me that.”

“Pet names take time to form, I wasn’t expecting to meet you here in the middle of nowhere. So I don’t have one up my sleeve.”

Me neither to the meeting part, but why does it feel like he is lying. Like he knew I would be here.

“How about my real name?”

“Nah, way too impersonal.”, god, the way he is so presumptuous is kind of alluring in the best way possible. Must be me, I seem to have a soft spot for cocky bastards.

“Well, we aren’t exactly friends.”

He turns with a full on grin to me, the one I dreamed about for months. The one I see in my mind before entering a competition.

“You are right.”, he added my name: “But I will still think of something new, something fitting.”

I can’t fucking wait for it.

“What would you say is the perfect gift for an old friend you haven’t seen in a while?”, he drags me out of my empty thoughts: “Not for you. You stated we aren’t friends, right?”

“Right”, I stutter back: “I guess it depends on the friend.”

I try to act nonchalantly, but I feel like failing.

That answer earned me a slight chuckle from him. I decide it would be best to ignore him and just continue my purchase, walking down the aisle, but the looming shadow doesn’t leave me.

“A friend who isn’t a friend at all.”

This sentence piqued my interest.

“Still not for you”, he adds, but I wasn’t even thinking that.

“Then why buy a gift?”, I ask, allowing him to keep the conversation going as he walks through the fruit section with me. I am glad we are in a public space filled with people. Alone with him again, I would not survive.

“Just for courtesy. He had a rough time”, subtle information but nothing sturdy to grab onto.

His grin is going to kill me. I feel like a flight animal in the headlights of a predator.

“Wine always works”, I answer politely and curse myself still giving him partially my attention.

The curse of being a woman, always civil to uncivil men.

A loud laugh echoes through the aisle before it abruptly ends, his sharp teeth still showing.

“Not a bad idea, but alcohol isn’t his thing”, he states: “anymore.”

I frown but end up not thinking further about his oddity as I see a box of chocolates and instantly think of Satoru. How he asked me for a ‘thank you’ card and a box of chocolates for his ‘help’. A dumb tease from his side but in my head the cogs start to turn.

Round and round for a counter strike. I place the box in my shopper with a grin similar to the one from him.

Fuck, he really created a part of me.

“Chocolates always work as well”, I babble back, before turning serious. “What brought you to this city?”

“Oh, just a quick stop before visiting my friend, who isn’t really my friend.”

For whatever reason the way he talks and acts is enthralling. I know he isn’t a good person but he has a certain aura that not a lot of people have. A confident one, but ready to be able to back it up. I should have googled him. I should have to see if he has some achievements to back up his brash attitude towards me all those years ago.

I can’t shake off the feeling that something isn’t quite right.

“Seems like fate that we meet again”, if it is even possible his grin got bigger.

“You also thought it would be my fate to fall and call quits, but here we are. Coincidences happen.”

Yes, our meeting years ago and now, they are just coincidences. Nothing more and nothing less.

“Oh, little devil I don’t believe in just coincidences.”

“Don’t call me that!”, I turned sharply around to him. He holds up his hands in a mocking way.

“Calm your tits.”

“Why did you call me that?”

“Because you are a bratty, little devil”, I ignore the sexual undertone in his words. It clicked instantly like finding the right puzzle piece.

“Are you a Devils fan?”, I ask, taking another step back. He steps forward, looking down on me.

“Nah”, he chuckles roughly: “I am not into Ice Hockey.”

Fuck, I can’t tell if he is lying or not. He is as unreadable as Satoru. He is so indifferent, so detached, it is hard to see what his intentions are. For a second I just want to yell at him: ‘What do you want from me!?’ but I calm down and just continue my purchase, feeling his presence still in my neck.

“Mind if we take a picture together?”

I turn towards him, looking him up and down with my eyebrows pulled together. He laughs lightly, sounding friendlier.

“Against whatever skepticism is playing in your head, I was always a fan of you.”

“You had a great way to show your support”, I instantly built my guards up around him.

“I think so too”, he ignores my obvious sarcasm.

That fucking evil grin again as he pulls out his phone and hands it to a lady next to us, asking her to take a picture. Before I even register it, he is next to me, slinging his massive arm around my shoulder and yanks me towards him. Looking up he has a big grin on his face while I probably look startled as hell.

Everything just happens so fast again, like I am back in the cabin. I couldn’t even agree as he took the phone back from the lady.

“Thank y-”, he starts, but I butt in: “I didn’t ag-”

“You smell good, what’s your perfume?”, he interrupts me too. I’m too confused to finish my other sentences as I just ask: “Why?”

“That friend, who isn’t really my friend, has a new girlfriend. I want to give her something too.”

I tell him the perfume I use and walk straight to the register, just wanting to get away. He should have fucking stayed a ghost.

I don’t try to gnaw on it too much as I put my groceries down. Eyeing a ‘thank you’ card, I quickly put it next to my groceries.

“Got a boyfriend?”, he asks without giving me a second look as he puts his stuff on the conveyor belt too.

“I actually do”, I snarl back, not amused at all by his behavior. I should have never answered his questions in the first place, just acting like I have no idea who he is. On the other hand it is hard to overlook the person who played such a big role in my career.

He could have been the ending but he was the crucial part to my new beginning. Because of him I had the chance to retire when I wanted to. Two Olympic Gold medals. I ended my career in the best moment, at its peak.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.”, I state affirmatively.

“Someone I would know?”

What kind of dumb question is that?

It seems more likely that he isn’t believing me and just wants to make sure I am not lying.

I owe him a lot in a cruel way, but I would never fall so low to ever date him. Regardless, I have a contract with Satoru and I will not waver.

For the time being Satoru is my priority.

At least this question gives me a little relief. If he doesn’t know about Satoru and me, he really isn’t an Ice Hockey fan. Good, one less worry.

“Well, can’t tell if you know him but Satoru Gojo”, I mutter, hoping it will be enough to get him off my back and leave me alone. I give the cashier my card and pay for my stuff.

“It doesn’t ring a bell”, he laughs, his eyes following my every move.

“Then you must live behind the moon”, I retorted and grabbed my groceries.

“Maybe, or he isn’t just that important”, he says with a shrug: “anymore.”

I foolishly neglect his reply and just walk out of the store towards my car. All I want is to get away from this person. From my past.

Once I sit in my car, everything comes crashing down on me. My hands shake and I feel panic rising inside of me. I shouldn’t drive in this emotional state, but I need to leave the parking lot. Away from him. Far away and praying that I will never see him again.

My mothers words come back into my brain. I could have lost my foot.

Because of him.

He is dangerous.

In the end I will never know if I had made history at the Olympics if I had told him to fuck off and leave me alone, not skating at the world championship. No one will know. By all means I could have recovered out of my insecurities alone and won a year later. Everything is possible.

But I did what I did and he did what he did. Risking your own career is one thing, but being a driving force in risking others, problematic.

Additionally to his acting of ‘fixing’ my ankle, his words were a big part in my win too. His degradation towards me made me want to prove him wrong. As soon as I stepped on the ice I wanted him to look at me and see me win.

Full circle back to my weaknesses. I care too much about what people think of me. It shouldn’t have mattered what an unknown man claims about me.

Yet it did to me.

Cut that crap! I will change. This is my second new beginning.

With that I start my car and drive off, not looking back.

I arrive at the rink hall, taking my groceries with me as I walk to the front door. Seeing Satoru waiting for me from afar makes my heart flutter.

I am safe now from the ghost of my past.

He grins widely, nothing evil behind it. Just Satoru.

I step towards him, he takes my bags from me as I don’t stop getting nearer. Pressing my face in his chest, I sling my arms around him and just breathe in. He never saw me as a loser. He always treated me like an equal.

“What’s wrong?”, he lightly chuckles and puts one of his large hands on my head, patting me like I have seen him pat my cat Todo. His chest quakes from his laughter and it feels good. It feels safe. Satoru knows me and at least some of my weaknesses and he is still here.

“I just saw a ghost”, I mumble, which earns me another quiver from him.

“A ghost?”

“Yes, but he is gone now and will never come back.”

“Did you fall on your head or something?”

Slight concern is in his voice. I look up to him with a cheeky smile.

“I got something for you”, taking a step back, I grab my bags from Satoru and rummage inside of one of them. It is too full, so I take a pack of baby carrots out and hand it to him to just hold while I keep on searching.

“Wow, I love baby carrots!”, he says with way too much enthusiasm. They aren’t his surprise, but I couldn’t resist my next tease: “Why, do they remind you of something?”

He laughs and we both grin at each other.

“I don’t have a baby carrot and you know it”, he adds: “As I recall it, you were afra-”

“Yeah, yeah I know! Don’t remind me, idiot.”

Satoru would love nothing more to remind me again of our night together, but I

keep him quiet by switching the baby carrots in his hand with a box of chocolates.

“Sorry to disappoint, but the baby carrots are for the kids later.”

“Kids?”, he frowns and looks at the new item in his hand. His brain is rattering to figure out why I give him chocolates.

“Yeah, the skating students you happily agreed on training for me. Did you forget?”

The frown on his face deepens and soon enough he groans.

“Do I really have to do this?”

“You promised.”

“Lie, I never did.” “Well, you said to Suguru that you promised me, so it is kind of a promise.”

Another groan, which makes me feel flustered, growing a bit hot in certain areas.

“Suguru and I will be there too.”, a small smile forms on his lips.

“Fine.”, he pouts and rolls his eyes, but I know he is just acting bothered: “But if you leave me alone for one second I will be mad.”

“I would never.”, I reply with a soft nod.

I take the ‘thank you’ card out of my bag and his brain is catching up to the premise. His pout turns into a knowing smirk.

“Do you have your wallet on you?”

He knows what I want.

“Always”, he hands me a pen out of his pocket. I open the card and go behind Satoru, using his broad back as a table to write on. He is nice enough to lean slightly forward as I scribble something down. I put the card into the envelope and

wet the glue strip with my spit to close it. Once I am finished I hand it back to him with a big smile.

“Thank you, partner”

He is all smiles and dimples as he takes the card from me.

“It was my pleasure”, he sticks the box of chocolates under his armpit and rips the envelope open to read my message.

Dear Satoru,

thank you for fucking my insecurity away ❤️

Sincerely followed by my signature autograph.

By the way he looks at me, I am one more step closer to finally get him to open up to me. A step closer to get our situation ruled out as a draw.

He puts the card back into the envelope and looks at me with tomato red cheeks. I gasp at this sight.

I managed to make the Satoru Gojo speechless with his own shenanigans! The ‘thank you’ card and box of chocolates were his idea after all.

“I got you blushing!”, I can not not make him even more embarrassed. This is the chance of a lifetime. I will wallow in it like a piggy in fresh mud.

“Shut up”, he turns his face away, but I take his beautiful face in between my hands to make him look at me.

A mistake because from the way he looks at me, he got me blushing now. I feel like in this moment we are just one more heartbeat away from kissing each other but as if god sent an angel to save me from my disgrace, the front door swings open and Suguru emerges. I let go of Satoru and took a step back, looking at Suguru now.

“There you are”, he nods at Satoru, not noticing me at first. I have never seen such an expression on Sugurus face. A grimace, a pissed off grimace.

“We need to talk.”

The last twenty minutes I spent on the tribune, next to Shoko as we watched Satoru and Suguru hammer pucks into the goal.

“Men”, Shoko sighs next to me: “Can’t handle their emotions so they have to act them out.”

I agree with her.

The situation they found themself in isn’t ideal but I don’t get the fuss. Toji Fushiguro didn’t sign an extension contract for the Rangers. It was a surprise but they could have seen it coming. Greedy athletes always change their team, especially if money is on the line. And if I learned one thing about Toji during my research, he loves money.

Surely losing a player is always shitty, but I looked into the entire team. There are so many good other players. He won’t be missed. At least I thought so, but as I voiced it Suguru looked at me with an offended glare and said I have no idea about Ice Hockey, so I kept my mouth shut from that point and just let them work it out on their own.

It was better anyway to stay out of this, because my father decided to make Toji an offer of a lifetime and he will be playing for the Devils from now on. Once Suguru mentioned this to Satoru, I got the death stare, like I have something to do with the shit my father does.

So I banished myself on the bench next to Shoko, now watching two grown men trying to see who can destroy their ice hockey stick the fastest.

“Want something from the vending machine?”, Shoko asks me.

“Nah, I’m good, but here”, I hand her my keys: “Just open it and take what you want.”

“You will never get those keys back.”, she declares and I one hundred percent believe her. “I will not forget about them.”, I respond with a light smile, but she just waves me off and walks away.

As I watch them play or whatever the hell they are doing, I regret not unfollowing Toji on Satorus account in first place.

With a big stretch I get up and decide to finally intervene. They could do this for hours to no end, but in around two hours ten kids will be here for their skating course and I can’t have two sulking men train them.

I step on the ice being totally ignored by the two of them. Granted, I am the enemy right now, well, I have half the DNA of their enemy.

“Does it really matter that he left?”

Both of them tilt their heads to me with an annoyed expression. I hold my hands up in defense.

“Like, is he stronger than you?”, I ask Satoru.

“No.”, a prompt answer.

“So it doesn’t matter.”, I get eye rolls from them - synchronous.

“Ice hockey is a team sport.”, Suguru tells me like I don’t know.

“Okay, and? What about the others? Aren’t they good enough?”

“That’s not the-”, I don’t let Suguru finish.

“Hakari never missed the goal, Higuruma always has a solid strategy, Kusakabe has one of the greatest defenses, Ino is an allround talent, Choso never misses a pass”, I pause, but add: “And Nanami just won the award for best goalie.”

They are a lot more players, but I decided to just go with the main ones. Both Satoru and Suguru stare at me like I am a freak.

“You learned about the team?”, Satoru asks, astonished.

“Yeah, for you”, I answer and oh boy, I didn’t mean for it to sound so tender, even corny.

“I mean, you know I should kind of know your team, right? Like it would be weird if a reporter asks me something and I have no clue, right?”, too many rights. I cross my arms and act nonchalant, looking everywhere but at Satorus plaguing and all-knowing grin. Suguru just peeks between Satoru and me before rolling his eyes but with a small smile.

“Anyway”, I try to get back on track: “Both of you are so occupied at being mad at a person who left your team for money, that you are the ones acting like Ice Hockey isn’t a team sport.”

According to wikipedia Toji is one of the best Ice Hockey players alive right now, but I certainly don’t need to mention this right now.

“You are right, we don’t need him to win the Stanley cup”, Satoru announces after a while of skeptical glimpses between Suguru and himself.

“Still he knows all the weaknesses of our team members”, Suguru thinks out loud: “and he knows the relationship between you two is fake.”

Shit, I forgot about that part.

“But like every other teammate he had to sign a document, he isn’t allowed to disclose that.”

“Come on, Satoru, don’t be dumb. He will never publicly state it but he will tell his new team and they will do anything to use it against you.”

“Let them try”, I chirp in: “we are smarter than them.”

I will end up regretting these words.

Satoru seems confident as well, giving me a thumbs up with a big smile. Only Suguru isn’t convinced.

“If everything goes down”, I skate to him and take his stick: “I can always take Tojis spot on the team.”

I hit the puck and scored.

“Natural talent”, Satoru grins.

“Yeah, sadly it is in my blood”, I shrug my shoulders, looking at his beaming smile. I am glad I got them to stop overthinking. At least for now. If they want they can have a sleepover and keep sulking the entire night. For now I want them to be ready for the skating course later.

As I was thinking of a way to cheer up Suguru, Shoko shrieks from the tribune. We all looked at her like she got bitten by a spider.

“You gotta be kidding me!”, see, I will regret my words.

“What’s up, Choco-Shoko”, Satoru skates towards the brim of the rink, followed by Suguru and me. Normally Shoko would glare daggers at Satoru for this name, but she is too occupied staring at her phone.

She alters her stare and looks with an open mouth at me before stuttering: “I have a girl problem.”

“A what?”, Suguru asks confusedly, staring at Satoru, who seems as perplexed.

“I need you, now, outside”, she points at me and I just comply, stepping out the rink and stomping behind her with my skates still on. As soon as we exit the rink hall and enter the corridor, she turns around and holds her phone too close to my face to see.

“Can you explain this?”

“Shoko, I can’t see anything like this”, I push her hand down and focus on the screen.

It is a picture.

Not any picture.

It is the picture from the supermarket.

The picture of Yuji and me.

The ghost isn’t gone.

But they don’t know anything about my past with him. For what it looks like he is just a fan taking a picture with me.

“What’s the problem, Shoko? He just asked for a picture in the supermarket”, I tilt my head, acting confused and certainly I am a bit.

“You know who this is, right?”, she proceeds to press the phone again in my face.

“Shoko, stop”, I take a step back: “again, he was just asking for a picture. I didn’t ask for his ID or anything.”

Why do I have the feeling I made a huge mistake.

Why can’t this ghost stay in my past?

Shoko looks at me like I am a pink elephant wearing a tutu.

“You really have no idea?”

“No, I told you, he just asked for a picture.”

Who the hell is he?

Yuji, the pro basketball player. Did he have a scandal I don’t know about and taking a picture with him wasn’t a good move.

Well, lack of knowledge doesn’t save you from backlash, but Shoko acts like someone posted a video of me skinning puppies alive.

“Short and sweet, this is Satorus mortal enemy on and off the ice.”

Shoko explains dryly: “And you better run, because if Satoru sees this, he will use your bones to make a new Ice Hockey stick.”

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Mortal enemy?

On the ice?

That motherfucker is an Ice Hockey Player!

I grab her phone and click on his profile.

Sukuna Ryomen. Not Yuji.

Ice Hockey. Not basketball.

Center player for the New Jersey Devils. No fucking way.

What kind of fuckery is this?

I feel like the last few days I got way too many situations like this, where I just get thrown under the bus, but this, this is next level shit.

He lied to me years ago and kept the lie running.

Well, I decided to play in his cards by not googling him.

Keeping him a mystery, a ghost.

Great idea, now he is back and alive, ready to jump me like a lion a gazelle. He kind of did that already.

I don’t care about Satorus hatred against him. For now.

All I think about is why he was at the stadium years ago!?

Was he sent by my father? According to his profile, he was already playing for the Devils at that time.

What is doing on?

The binding technique, the unknown pill.

Sabotage.

He truly was there to sabotage me. To end my career.

One hundred percent did my father send him.

I was getting more and more media coverage at that time. After all, I was a candidate for the Olympics. My father got asked more and more questions about me. He surely knew how to ignore them, but they must have bothered him. So much so that he sent someone over to sabotage my career. To end it and then he would have never heard of me again.

It all made sense.

But his little trick didn’t work, it did the opposite.

Oh, he must have been so pissed. So pissed seeing me win and a few weeks later announcing that I will be skating for the Olympics.

Definitely a vein popped in his forehead.

The door swings open loudly as it crashes against the wall.

“Here we go.”, Shoko takes her phone out of my hand and steps backwards, seemingly wanting to escape whatever is coming our way.

Satoru with his head tilted forwards, angry like a bull seeing red.

Fitting, I have a red pilates set on.

Behind him Suguru tries to entangle Satoru in a conversation, but it doesn’t work. Satoru stops right in front of me and I would do everything for him to just scream at me and get it over with, instead he is so calm.

Calm like the sea before a tsunami.

“What is this?”, he shows me the same picture I just saw a second ago on Shokos phone.

“Let me explain.”

“What is there to explain? You took a cute little picture with Sukuna. Anything else I need to know?”, he gestures with his hand fastly, something I have never seen him do before: “Like have you given him a quick update on how my recovery is going or I don’t know, fucked him.”

I was expecting a lot of accusations but fucking him.

“Satoru”, Suguru chimes in, in a warning tone, but even he is looking at me like I did skin puppies alive.

Satoru ignores him completely, just staring at me. His height was always intimidating but now it is fucking terrifying.

But I am too stubborn and actually really hurt by his accusation, especially the last one. I will not allow someone to talk down on me again. I have changed.

“Yes Satoru, right between the bananas and the apples in the fruit aisle”, the moment I said it, the moment I regretted it. Satoru is so irrational right now, he would take everything seriously. He snorts with a menacing smile forming on his face.

“I see, no denying.”

Different approach.

“Listen, I just told Shoko I had no idea who he is. He just asked me for a picture.”

There is no reason for me to tell him about my past with Sukuna. It has nothing to do with Satoru and the situation I am in. I will keep it to myself. I see no sense in telling him about it and making him probably even angrier for being so foolish to not looking more into that guy who nearly ended my career.

This is a conflict between my father, Sukuna and me. No need to drag Satoru into this.

“How stupid do you think I am?”, Satoru replies, not even listening to me: “I fell for your little act of having no clue about Ice Hockey because it made sense, but now it is just getting ridiculous.”

That hurt like hell, worse than my foot inside the binding.

Yeah, my life is a performance and I act like people want me to.

But I never acted when it came to Satoru. I tried in the car on our first meeting, but he saw right through me and since I was always myself around him.

“I was never acting around you and you know it”, tears start to sting in my eyes.

This is all a big misunderstanding and it could be solved so easily if he just listens.

“I just want you to tell me the truth and stop wasting my time.”

“Oh, you want the truth? I will give you the truth”, neither Satoru nor I should talk to each other right now. We are too emotional when it comes to the other person, but I am so hurt from his ignorance towards me. How can he not believe me? Whatever rivalry is between Sukuna and him, it goes deep.

“Even if I was that evil mastermind who lured you into a trap.”, well, fuck I lured him into a trap once, but he did it too! He isn’t a saint either, but to accuse me of working together with a member of my fathers team is too much: “What could I have told Sukuna about you, huh? How all I know about you is readable on your fucking wikipedia page? Because you certainly didn’t tell me anything half the planet doesn’t know about you already!”

I keep holding eye contact with him, even when I feel the tears flowing now. “How I only saw you train for like thirty minutes and I have no idea about your progress? I never asked you or anyone else about your recovery or training plan or I don’t even know what. I have no idea who you truly are.”

He doesn’t answer me, just keeps meeting my eyes, like trying to find something in them so he can doubt me again.

He doesn’t want to trust me.

I thought about trust a lot. How I have trouble trusting Satoru, but I kind of disregarded that he might feel the same way about me. Not fully trusting me and with a situation like this. I would have probably reacted the same way.

One thing is clear, he is hurt as well.

“Okay, this is getting out of hand”, Suguru steps in between us, tearing our staring contest apart.

“Both of you need to calm down! Whatever Sukunas intention was by posting this picture, he would probably have a big, fat grin on his face seeing you two go against each other!”, Suguru takes a deep breath. I look at Suguru but I still feel Satorus penetrating stare at me.

“Toji surely told them about the contract between you two. Sukuna will do everything to throw you off course, Satoru”, he touches Satorus shoulder to get him to listen.

I hear Shoko sucking in a breath and underlay Sugurus comments: “Suguru is right, it seems like he tries to get under your skin. Sukuna will do everything to keep you from performing your best. I mean he tried a similar play between Suguru and you years ago.”

I give Shoko a questioning glance but she just shrugs her shoulders. Whatever, I know nothing about Satoru anyway, why should it matter what happened years ago between the three of them.

Yeah, whatever!

All this talk about being a team and partner, fuck it. I don’t care. I was never part of his team to begin with.

I don’t care, I don’t care, I don’t care.

But I do care.

The contract means as much to me as I thought it meant to Satoru. It is my chance to come to terms with all that happened in my life.

My absent father.

My overzealous mother.

My madly ascent as a figure skater.

Maybe I should just really call a therapist.

I should turn around and leave, never looking back and forget the time we had. Just go into my room and lay in my bed, figuring my life out on my own.

However in the end I am not a quitter. I signed this contract and I will do everything to keep it running.

Everything is one big misunderstanding and I need to bash this in Satorus head. Of course my feelings are hurt because I feel like I have shown him parts of me no one knows and he didn’t give me anything back.

But there was a reason why he wanted me as his fake girlfriend. Me and no one else, because we understand each other on a level most can’t relate to. I need to break his walls down, one by one.

I like to think I had harder challenges.

Satoru exhales, taking in what Suguru and Shoko said. He rubs his hands over his face, pressing his finger into his eye sockets.

“I didn’t m- I need a minute”, with that he just leaves, walking to the locker rooms.

Silence between the three of us. I know Suguru will be the first one to say something, probably telling me to give Satoru some time and everything will work out after a rational talk.

Not this time, Suguru. This time I will do it my way.

Without another word I follow Satoru, Suguru calling me from behind to let him be. I don’t listen as I keep walking, storming into the locker room.

“I said I need a minute”, Satoru groans loudly, probably thinking I am Suguru by the way his voice sounds.

It is like a Deja Vu from another point of view. How he is the one sitting on a bench, mind going haywires and just done with the world as I storm into the room with one thing in mind. Getting him back on track.

I’m Sukuna and Satoru is me from all those years ago.

Well, it is debatable what Sukunas true intention was by getting my ass back on the ice, but I know what mine is.

“Hey, Loser”, I chuckle as I lean against the wall in front of him, looking at him with a grin plastered on my face.

I will use the same tactic Sukuna used on me. I will use Sukunas own weapon to get his mortal enemy back on track, but I will make it better.

The pure degradation from Sukuna made me go mad. I mean I nearly lost my career alongside my foot. What I would have needed, was a slap in the face to wake up and a gentle kiss after to make me realize I have worth.

Degradation and praise.

My weapons are better.

“What did you call me?”

“Want me to repeat it?”

“Yes, say it again”, his voice is so low, I start to get goosebumps and regret my plan. Maybe it doesn’t work on Satoru. Maybe we aren’t as similar, but I remember being mad at Sukuna too, I think I was only more bewildered because I didn’t know him.

“I said you are a loser”, my confidence slips a bit and he can see it.

I hate how easily he reads me.

“Care to elaborate?”, he grins back and yeah, this isn’t going the way it did with Sukuna and me. This bastard is enjoying this.

I seem to have forgotten that there is one big difference between Satoru and me and this is confidence.

My confidence outside the rink is all fake, while his’ never leaves. He probably never thought of himself as a loser.

“It is just a bit pathetic, don’t you think?”

Laughter from him, but if you listen closely you can hear the difference between his real one and this one.

I can pick up a bit of sourness.

My words got to him. I mean it is probably the first time ever someone talked to him like this. Someone he cares about.

Tell me what you want, but I know he cares at least a tiny bit about me. He has to for our contract to work.

“I’m still waiting for the elaboration, princess.”

I want to roll my eyes. Not even five minutes ago he accused me of being this evil mastermind and now he acts like nothing happened between us, like he can just call me princess and get away with it.

Okay, I will let him get away with it, but just because I have a more important mission.

“You got all unreasonable and threw a fit because I took an innocent picture with a man I didn’t know was your self-appointed mortal enemy. Hard to believe this is how the legend Satoru Gojo behaves.”

His eyes darkened and I think I overstepped slightly. Well, there is no turning back now.

What's said is said.

“You complain about not knowing me, but once I show you a side of me, you complain even more.”

“That’s not what I was complaining about and you know it.”, I sigh and change the theme, because I don’t want to start a discussion about this.

This conversation is about him, not about my hurt feelings.

“Anyway, I don’t want to believe this is the real you”, I walk over to him and kneel down in front of him, looking up to meet his damning eyes.

“I don’t believe it. You are smart, smarter than most people I know. You think ahead for your five teammates and know your opponents by heart. You are the fastest, strongest and most versatile player in the NHL. And you are funny and kind in your own way, so don’t tell me the way you just acted out there is part of you. Whatever your issue with Sukuna is, he uses your hatred against him to bring out a part of you that isn’t you. An irrational and cruel loser.”

Sukuna did the same to me and I didn’t even know him prior to that. He made me irrational by playing with my insecurity of losing and made me cruel by the way I ended up talking with my mother.

All these were my actions and I’m to blame for it, but everything would have turned out differently without him.

He didn’t make me the person I am today. I will not give him that. The irrational and cruel side he handed me will be bashed once and for all.

I won’t give him credit anymore for giving me my titles. He isn’t the reason I made it to the Olympics. I could have done it on my own, because deep down I had all the strength in myself I needed. I am not a loser.

“Did you google my stats?”, is all he says to me after I told him a lot of nice things about himself.

“Had to, it is not like you ever told me about yourself or your team”, my mouth turns into a thin line.

“I’m sorry, I saw red and I overreacted. Suguru, Shoko and you are right. He wants to get inside my head to mess with me.”

“He is afraid you will come back stronger than ever and beat his ass”, now I smile at him and I get a harumph back but with a light smile playing on his lips.

I would give everything to see him all smiles and dimples again, but it might take time.

He takes my chin in his hand and looks at me with his intense eyes.

“I’m really sorry, can you forgive this irrational and cruel loser?”

“I only see a rational and kind winner in front of me, but sure.”

“You will be the death to me”, he laughs and I’m glad I got the smiles and dimples faster back than expected.

“Come here”, he slaps on his leg and helps me get back up to sit down on his lap.

A small voice in my mind tells me to ask him if he was jealous of Sukuna in this picture. The fucking part in his accusations was rather random and I first thought it was to just randomly hurt me, but maybe there was a bit of jealousy. I should ask him, tease him about it, but it is going well now, I shouldn’t test my luck.

Even the best players run out of it and I tested the limits with Satoru enough for one day.

He pulls me closer and slings his arms around my back, pressing me to his chest and oh, his crotch.

“I can’t believe you are hard right now.”

I don’t know why I said that outloud but I did. Nuzzling his head into the croak of my neck, he breaths in my hair and chortles.

“Believe it, it’s the stress.”

“So you are hard 24/7?”

“Only when you are around.”

“You are such a smooth talker”, I giggle and hate myself for the way I react.

“I think red just turned into my favorite color”, he pushes my hair back to get access to my neck, kissing it softly. I feel his fingers linger on the hem of my tight shirt, ready to pull it over my head.

“Then I should better keep it on so you have more of it.”

He grunts and bites me lightly in the shoulder, sending goosebumps down my spine.

“Let me take it off, okay?”

Instantly I want to do nothing more than nod my head, but a thought crosses my mind.

“This wouldn’t be a good idea.”

Another grunt.

“Please don’t tell me you were serious with the one time thing”, he leans back from my neck and looks at me, waiting to accept a rejection.

I actually was, but now I am not anymore. The problem lies somewhere else.

“What if someone comes in?”

“A big surprise for them”, he grins widely.

“Not funny”, I roll my eyes: “I’m serious.”

“You are always too serious”, he brushes a strand of hair behind my ear.

“And you aren’t serious enough. Suguru could come in and catch us.”

“It doesn’t matter.”

I punch his shoulder lightly.

“It does! I don’t want him nor anyone else from the team to know about this”, I wave my finger between Satoru and me back and forth.

“Not to break your little bubble, but they already know”, I stare with a shocked expression at him, ready to punch him for real this time.

If he dared to-

“You weren’t exactly quiet the other night and the walls are rather thin.”

Now I wish he would have told them instead, that would be way less embarrassing. I grumble in my hands, hiding my face out of sheer mortification. Satoru just laughs, as always and grabs my hands, pulling them off my face. “It is fine.”

“It is not”, I pout. Is today my personal humiliation day? A new holiday I didn’t know about.

“It really is, princess.”

I didn’t want anyone, especially Suguru, to know I had slept with Satoru. It comes across as extremely incompetent regarding our whole contract. Our entire relationship should have stayed professional. I don’t want to know what Suguru is thinking of me. He had the most trust in me and I ended up sleeping with Satoru not even a few days into the contract.

I’m weak. At least when it comes to Satoru.

Wait.

This is the chance. A draw!

There is no insecurity for him to fuck out of my mind. He wants to hook up with me out of sheer fun? Lust? Whatever it is, it will create the draw I so desperately want to have.

I want to be on equal terms again.

“But we don’t need to anymore, you know. No more insecurity inside my head.”

Well, no more insecurity regarding looking at him and being close to him.

“I know, but I just want to be inside you”, he looks at me with a small, pleading pout: “No, I need to be inside you.”

I exhale a steamy breath. He is again at the hem of my shirt, pulling it slightly up, rough fingertips traveling over my skin.

“Don’t make me beg, unless it turns you on, then I will gladly beg”, his mouth is against my jawline, leaving a trail of kisses and small bites.

I nod and reap a ‘tz’ from him.

“Give me a clear yes or no.”

I shouldn’t.

“Yes”, and his lips are suddenly on mine, just leaving them for a second as he pulls my top over my head.

With slightly cold hands he squeezes my breasts, a moan escaping my mouth, which he catches with his. He rolls my already hard nipples between his fingers before choosing the one on the left side to close his lips around and lick. I whimper and lean my head back, giving him even more access as his now unoccupied hand enters my waistband.

“Angel”, he whispers in my ear: “Get up for a second, we need to get rid of your pants, okay?”

He talks to me like I am slow on the uptake and at this moment I feel like it. I’m in a delicious delirium as I stand up and hold myself up on Satorus shoulders. He gets rid of my pants, not we. In a swift motion he brings me back on his lap and kisses me again, his tongue asking for excess to enter my mouth and I let him with a small sob. I want to open his pants, but he grabs my eager hands quickly.

“I know we don’t have a lot of time, but you need to be a bit prepared, okay?”, again he talks to me slowly and I just nod, not knowing why we need to be quick.

…

The skating course!

Dragged out of my delirium I look around for a watch. Satoru catches me scowling and states: “Don’t worry, we still have enough time.”

I pucker my lips for a second but I ended up trusting him, not wanting to call it quits now.

And no, this isn’t just about me wanting this to. This is all about getting equal again. In my head I mentally make the note to let this really be the last time. After this Satoru and I will just be partners like we are in a law firm.

Before I can even write the note mentally down, the thought is gone as he wets two of his fingers with his tongue before stuffing them inside my mouth too. I twirl my tongue around them too as he pulls them back out with a blop. With his other hand, he grabs my butt and slightly lifts me up as I kneel on his lap.

Then he creeps his fingers at a slow pace up and down in between my fold to gather slick. I lean forward and lift myself a bit more up to give him better excess. Steady but so, so, so slowly he enters me. His thumb is drawing soft circles on my clit while he starts to move his fingers in and out. So slow like we are in no hurry, like he wants to torture me.

“Please Satoru, faster”, I cry in his ear.

“Nah, angel”, he presses a kiss on my temple.

“This is your punishment for taking that picture.”

I should have known he wouldn’t let me off the hook about this picture so quickly.

“Please, I had no idea”, I groan frustrated and sling my arms around his neck for support as I start to move my hips, trying to create speed and friction on my own. My plan failed as Satoru keeps my hips in place with his other arm around my waist now.

“Should have thought about that before taking a picture with a random man.”

He can’t be serious, right?

How am I supposed to know Satoru has a mortal enemy out there, who out of nowhere appears in front of me at the supermarket.

Sukuna called it fate, but what was it really?

With a light bite in my cheek, Satoru brings me back to the present as his fingers once again enter me lazily.

“This is unfair”, I complain against his neck, thinking if I touch him more it will make him more excited, giving me what I want.

My hands wander under his shirt, along his hard abs to his nipples, stroking them slightly. That move earned me a rough exhale from him between shut teeth.

“Just promise me one thing.”

“Everything, I will promise you everything”, I am so desperate to get off. I can feel the coil inside me building up but it isn’t going to snap at this slow pace.

“Whatever happens between us, never fuck Sukuna, promise.”

Again his insecurity when it comes to Sukuna and me. Is it really a jealousy thing? I can’t imagine Satoru ever being jealous of someone.

“I promise, really, I will always be on your team even if you don’t want me to.”

He looks at me with an amazed grimace before locking our lips again, finally speeding up. The lazy circles on my clit turn into rougher ones as his fingers pump into me. I breathe heavily into his shoulder as my legs start to quiver and the strength to keep them up tardily leaves me.

He knows exactly where my weak spot is, as he supports my weight with his muscular arm, hitting the same sweet spot over and over again as his fingers work their wonders to make me cum. The coil that was built on at the slow movements, quickly grows bigger before it explodes and I cum undone around his fingers. My walls pulsate around his fingers as he lets me ride my orgasm out on them.

I’m out of breath but I can’t wait any longer. I want him inside me right now. With shaky hands I open his pants and lift myself up on my wobbly knees to pull his pants down. His erection springs free and yeah, no baby carrot.

Nevertheless I am still intimidated but I had him already in me and I survived it and even better liked, no loved it.

“Slow down, partner”, Satoru yelps out of breath as I position myself on top of his dick.

“No.”, I kiss him and sink down on him, feeling my walls painfully stretch around his massive girth. He leans back, pressing his back against the wall for support and giving me time to adjust and do everything at my speed. His eyes are closed and I know he wants to do nothing more than move his hips at an incredible pace to drill into me.

But he is patient as I slip slowly down his cock, letting out small whines, each one making his cock flutter inside of me. Once I am all settled down, I take a short breather adjusting myself.

Soon enough I start to roll my hips to let him know I am ready. His reaction was immediate as he grips my hips hard, boring his fingers into the soft flesh on my stomach and just fucks raw into me. I gasp and tears escape my eyes at the sudden rough friction. My eyes roll back as he lets go off my hip with one arm, laying it now flat against my back and gripping my neck from behind. Hand in my hair to keep me steady as he slides his dick in and out of me with loud groans. He has to use a lot of strength to not keep me from falling off his lap, but he doesn’t seem to mind, not breaking a sweat over this. His tongue moves from my shoulder to my neck, up my jaw to my mouth where it means mine.

I’m so full of him I feel everything so intense that it is mind numbing. Whenever his white pubic hair meets my clit, it sends a shiver down from head to toe.

“Maybe I will just mark you”, he bites into my lip before kissing me again: “Making it clear who you belong to.”

He lets go of my hip and grabs my jaw between his long fingers to make me look at him.

“Would you like that, angel? Letting everyone know you are mine?”

I nod and babble a few yesyesyes.

Surely this is all filthy sex talk, right? He doesn’t really mean it. I am not his.

“I could cum on your face and make you walk around like that or fill you up with so much of my cum your birth control fails and you will be round with my baby.”

Whatever he wants, he can have and I make sure to tell him that as I wail into the palm of my hand to keep myself quiet.

This time we aren’t team players as we both chase our own release. His thrusts get sloppier as he supports my legs with his hands so I don’t break down on him. My chest is pressed against his, since I lost the power to uphold my body on its own. Before I lose my strength completely I climax and my head falls heavy on his shoulder as I start to see stars behind my closed eyes.

“No one fucks you so good.”

I’m not sure if it was a statement or a question, but I can’t speak anyway, so I just nod against his hard shoulder.

Feeling my walls open and close around his dick, Satoru slides one more time fully into me, his pubic hair chilling against my clit again as he fills me up with his warm sperm, twitching inside of me until he is completely milked.

My head is resting on his shoulder and he is resting his’ on mine.

I don’t know how long we stay like this, but after a while Satoru slaps my ass, making me jolt.

“Time to get ready, can’t let them kids wait, right?”, he pulls me up, his dick slipping out of me, suddenly leaving me feeling empty and abandoned. Carefully he carries me to the side, my naked ass on the bench now as he gets up and pulls his pants up. He picks up my clothes and grabs a few paper towels from the shelf, placing all next to me on the bench while I am still in a state of trance. He smirks at my fucked out gooey form and slicks my hair out of my face.

“I need to discuss something with Suguru. I will be back once the course starts.”

For a second it looks like he is leaning in for a kiss, but then he retracts and pats my shoulder like we are buddies!? As if his dick wasn’t a few seconds ago getting freaky inside my bowels. He turns around and leaves without saying another word or waiting for a response.

I got my draw.

But with the worst outcome possible. Being left alone, naked, with his cum leaking out of me and nothing has changed, I still know nearly nothing about him.

Sukuna is his enemy, but why exactly does he hate him so much? It can’t be just that he is on an opposite team.

And what does Suguru have to do with this?

I lied to all of them. I told them I had no idea who Sukuna was.

Well, that’s actually true to an extent, but I didn’t mention our past.

If Satoru can have his secrets, I can have mine too.

As long as they don’t come back and bite me in the ass.

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maxwell-grant · 10 months ago

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Any thoughts on She-Hulk?

I like her a lot. I don't really like most of her solo comics that I've read (I think some of her most celebrated runs have aged abysmally), but I like her as a character enough that this doesn't sour me on her and there are several that I've enjoyed. One of those characters that I'm just really glad exists and you can get a lot out of in supporting roles, she adds a really unique, wonderful texture to the world. I think it's great that her baseline is dealing with the flipside of the Hulk's problems: she can keep her life and strength and rage under control and have a good public image and non-adversarial relationships with superhero society, which means she has things to fight for much more complicated than survival and supervillains out to get her.

She was once a mousy disrespected nerd too, except her freak accident alter-ego turned her into a charismatic hot jade goddess who can hold a steady job and crack zingers for the camera while saving the world and is thus expected to do all of those things and more at once, all of which means she has many more things to juggle and lose than the Hulk has at any given moment. He deals with big huge singular problems while she deals with clusters of irritating little problems that accumulate to break her down. Much like Wonder Woman, she is burdened with standards of perfection that do not exist for her male contemporaries, except in her case, she has to overcompensate not just to overcome barriers of misogny, but also being a good, ethical working person in a world of dysfunctional assholes and self-destructive monsters, not helped by her proximity to the biggest of them all.

She has responsabilities and bosses and ethical/social dilemmas to navigate as a superhero, as a woman and as a lawyer that she can't solve with smashing them into leaving her alone or with separating her life under different personas. She has to deal with Frog-Men and continuity gods and interpersonal superhero drama and cases that no laws have even been written for and all these bullshit Seinfeld problems, because unlike Deadpool and other comedic superhero characters she actually has adult responsabilities to contend with. And she does, and she makes time to party and have fun and go out with friends and training with fellow bruisers and running maintenance errands on the world whether it's to help the Fantastic Four out of a jam or deal with a college friend's divorce hearing. I do think she has a very versatile gimmick as a superhero lawyer (not the same as a superhero who is a lawyer) who gets stuck with the shit job of dealing with the kinds of messes that other characters get to resolve off screen, that she has to deal with all kinds of embarassing and weird things and the less-glorious aspects of superhero life. There is a lot that you can get away with in She-Hulk comics because Jen is a fun character to have dealing with problems.

I do think she's kinda in a difficult tight rope act as a character, because her thing involves dealing with a lot of superhero things that break immersion if you poke at them too closely, but she can't really do anything to affect or attack them (because she's an integral supporting character in the larger Marvel Universe and one of the few Marvel superheroes who isn't some kind of dysfunctional asshole) or be a full-on parody character, she can't sit in the same liminal joke space Deadpool and Squirrel Girl thrive in, and her set-up also makes it hard to do anything too dramatic or dark or weird with her, anything that's too "Hulk" feels out of place and misguided. She's a permanent B-lister that spends her time frustrated by the D/Z-listers that flock around her and hanging around the A-listers that generally have more interesting things to do.

Of course Jen does tag along on those things and those Avengers trips to save the world, but those are never really about her or involving her in a fashion that needs her and not some other person who can punch good. She is always going to be kind of a niche character which sorta limits her from being as big as she could otherwise be. But I think her niche is a really good one and one that needs to be around and adds a lot to the larger Marvel universe, and Jen is such a fun character that it's always great to see her show up in something. Big fan.

Sucks that she's one of the worst characters in Ultimate Marvel vs Capcom 3 though and that she never got to destroy Deadpool in MvC4 because there was no such thing, but I have seen more people play as her recently and even pull some wins with her even outside ratio tournaments, and at least they ended the series on a high note with Ultimate and never did anything ever again ever.

#replies tag #superheroes #she-hulk #marvel #marvel comics #comics

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bumblingest-bee · 7 months ago

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broadway shows ranked by how much my mother, who knows nothing about musical theatre, enjoyed them:

come from away: 10/10. her favorite part was that there were old people in it (honestly very real of her) and also The Kevins. i think she liked the music the most out of any show i've seen with her

merrily we roll along: 9.5/10. she talked nonstop for a week about how much she loved it. her favorite character i think was mary but she's really obsessed with joe for some reason ("he's just so pathetic!!")

some like it hot: 8/10. she loves golden age style musicals so she liked the music and vibes. she thought it was very funny but the extended tap-dancing was boring

phantom of the opera: 7/10. she liked the music a lot but i don't think she had strong opinions on it other than "why was this love triangle a dilemma at all." (if we were ranking this based on how much my dad liked it it would be like 11/10 bc i saw it with him another time and he was obsessed)

sweeney todd: 6/10. she is not the kind of person who enjoys cannibalism and blood everywhere, though she thought mrs. lovett and the beadle were hilarious.

company: 5/10. thought it was kind of depressing, which, to be fair, that revival was. she was sufficiently entertained by the couples but was completely uninvested in bobbie's storyline ("she has commitment issues! who cares!") so somehow she had the exact same take on the production as me.

#bee posts nonsense #theatre #should i tag all the musicals in this. yeah sure fuck it. you all need to know my mother's opinions #come from away #merrily we roll along #some like it hot #phantom of the opera #sweeney todd #company musical

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iamsherlocked-1998 · 6 months ago

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𝐇𝐨𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐢𝐝

Summary: Only memories saved in.

Words: 1000.

Din Djarin x GN! Reader: Just something Sweet. Maybe some moral dilemma.

✧*｡✧*｡✧*｡✧*｡✧*｡✧*｡✧*｡✧*｡✧｡✧*｡✧

It was a hot day, spring weather was sliding inexorably towards summer, light filtered through the window, filling the room. Your duties at the Nevarro library had ended and you were unfortunately picking up Karga's dispatch after the Magistrate had recently passed away.

Grogu was in the other room playing with his friend IG-11, who had followed you inside after round against crime in the city. Then the sound of the boy's laughter filled the air.

You approached full of curiosity only to see how the droid was playing a scene like a holovid format, but instead of being a movie it looked like a recording, in which you could see the boy attached to his mechanical protector while itself shot at enemies. They had to be memories from before you met Mando.

-When is this from? It seems like a difficult situation (you asked with a remarkable question mark).

-The imperials attacked, my task as guardian droid was to protect the child.

The metallic voice filled the room, it was a predictable response, but the playback function was unknown to you.

-I didn't know that everything you saw was recorded, especially after…

You were going to say after being destroyed among lava as The Mandalorian told you, but it seemed unnecessary.

-It is the duty of a good guardian to pay attention to everything around. It also helped to know the extent of the Mandalorian's injuries in medical care.

-Di… Did Mando get hurt?

You had always been aware of the danger that the clan of two faced, especially when they first met and following months, but you did not know that the physical damage would have been of sufficient magnitude to be urgently assisted by a medical droid, nor that Djarin would lend himself to it...

-Yes, after the explosion the bacta was essential for his recovery, also the lack of presence of any living being in the reconnaissance.

That last one made your eyebrows rise to your hairline. The only time the hunter used those words was when he explained the importance for his creed of the… the only possible answer is that he took off his helmet in front of the droid.

-Do you have images of Mando without the helmet?

-Again, it was essential for his survival, I believed that it was well known in beings of your condition that to deal with possible concussion is necessary to access the nervous system in the back of the head.

You rolled your eyes at the attempt at sarcasm.

-Do you want me to play the images for any particular reason?

Your heart stopped dead at the mere mention of it.

-I can't do that, it would be against Mando's privacy… his creed forbids it and is very important to him.

-According to the Mandalorian creed in its literal sense, his members cannot remove their helmet or be seen by others, but he is not even present since it is a projection, it's not real.

Your lips parted, trying to refute that logic was extremely complicated. But it still felt like a betrayal. You and Din had known each other for months and shared almost everything that was possible between two people, but the helmet was always present, without a doubt everything worked very well.

You always had a bitter feeling in your throat as to whether he would really have that last act of trust with you later or things stay the same. Not that it was essential, he was too important to you and his personality meant everything, it was still tempting to use this as a last resort and not let anyone know.

-Play the images...please (you let out a slight resigned sigh).

At that moment the mechanism was set in motion. You saw how Mando was lying on the ground and a metal arm accessed the beskar dome to detach it. What you glimpsed was the last thing expected.

The most expressive brown eyes you had ever seen greeted you, anguish and pain were visible in the grimace of his face and was covered in blood. The state he was in broke your heart, but you smiled sadly. Despite everything, of course Din was beautiful.

He was a few years older than you, but he showed a vulnerability that made him look younger, despite all his experiences, an unusual innocence was observed. His unkempt hair curled at the edges of it, as if he had let it grow longer than it should, he had a faint trace of stubble and a small scar on the bridge of his nose. All of this was finished off by luxurious lips.

You heard how Din in the video mentioned something about his brain and the droid responded with a bad joke, making the man raise his eyebrow, but you couldn't process much more of the conversation as you were focused on the speaker of the words. It was incredible how all his thoughts were reflected without a filter to the outside by his expressions.

You hadn't realized but Grogu was next to you, watching with curiosity and his head tilted at the video of his father, a small soft squeal reached your ears. Suddenly the recording stopped.

-Do you already have the information you requested?

You nodded distractedly at IG-11's voice, which brought you out of your reverie.

-Yes, thank you, but no one can know this.

-You are an authorized person. Who and how the records are accessed is confidential.

________________

The three of you walked calmly through the city towards the small cabin, Din's mission was over and at the end of the day he picked you up to go home.

You were lost in thought as the little green one slept in your arms, you couldn't stop thinking about what you saw, looking at your partner in amazement. Of course the hunter noticed, your gaze was so insistent and intense that it burned him.

-Something wrong? (You noticed the slight amusement in his words, oblivious to the events of the day).

-Nothing, just...I'm glad to spend time together, with you.

Din ascend firmly but gently.

-If you want we can put those shows that Grogu likes so much, so you can rest.

-I would like that.

You said with a wide smile as the Mandalorian held your hand.

#the mandalorian #din djarin x gn!reader #pedro pascal #din grogu #ig 11 #pedro pascal characters #din djarin x f!reader #din djarin x male reader

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rafesvoid · 1 year ago

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Rain together

You never thought at 20 years old you’d still be on the outer banks living the life as a Pogue while serving to the kooks. You didn’t think you’d be a kook by now either. That being the last thing you wanted. All you craved was to be somewhere far far away from this Pogue vs Kook life.

But life was expensive. No matter what job you got it was never enough. And the high paying jobs were strictly ran by kooks and only for kooks. And even if a Pogue like you managed to land a job owned by some brooding kook you were underpaid and overworked.

This brain tangling dilemma lead you to choosing a job as a quaint restaurant. The pay wasn’t much but maybe in a few years you’ll book a one way ticket to where no Kook has been. The restaurant was often quiet. The music you’ve gotten to know by heart being louder than any conversation held.

People didn’t come there to socialize or have a nice dinner with their family. It was more of a 30 minute getaway before immersing yourself back into the Pogue life. Which is why everyone and their mother was shook when none other than the Cameron’s walked in.

It had been like any other day, long and uneventful yet giving you much time to be with your thoughts. The rain was pouring down hard. The sound of the droplets hitting everything in sight outside soothing you more than anything could.

Maybe 10 people occupied the restaurant besides you and your coworkers. Most just wanting a coffee while waiting for the rain to die down. But as you tried your best to remove a stain with a hot rag the bell of the restaurant went off alerting you of a new presence.

You heard a herd of feet walk near the cashier you before you locked eyes with the Ward himself. You almost wanted to pinch yourself to see if it was real. Most kooks would rather die than be seen on the cut unless it was for a party let alone eat in one of their restaurants.

But in the flesh was the whole Cameron family soaking wet and waiting for something to eat.

“I- What can I get for you guys tonight”

You meekly poured out with the tight lip smile. “Maybe a new set of clothes if you have the back there” the ward replied with a smile filled with none either than warmth

Now you never socialized with the Cameron’s yet you had your own assumptions on them. The ward being a kind person was not one of them.

“Well over there we have some heaters you can sit by and I’ll give you paper menus and once you’re ready you can come order”

Ward and rose thanked you while their 3 brooding childeren followed them. After a silent 15 minutes or so of every Pogue in the restaurant exchanging looks each Cameron came up one by one to order food. Rafe being the last

Rafe was a year older than you. You didn’t go to school with him and only saw him at parties snorting a line. It be a lie to say you didn’t think he had grown more attractive by the minute but it also be a lie to say he ever crossed your mind. Until tonight.

Rafe walked to the counter his head hung low obviously regretting his families decision to come into a Pogue ran restaurant than wait the storm out in the car. But as he reached you his scowl adorned face softened. The hue of his eyes lightened to the different color blues than the black he wore mere seconds ago

He paused eyes running across you for what felt like a century. Rafe didn’t know you. If he ever saw you before there’s a chance he’d mix you up with 50 other girls yet he stared at you like you were one in a billion.

“Can I get your number?”

———

Hi! This is my first Rafe fic so bear with me if it’s awful. I will get better I swear

Also I love rafe but he’s the only reason I watched obx so if something doesn’t make sense because it’s not accurate plz ignore it because in really just do not know lol

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choslut · 2 years ago

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PRIMADONNA GIRL ft. yuuji itadori

synopsis : after having everything basically handed to you on a silver platter for the majority of your life, it’s a great shock when something doesn’t go your way. instead of handling your problems like a mature young woman, you decide to do the complete opposite — you take the rebound.

content warnings : nsfw, angst, sub!itadori, mentions of cheating, blowjobs, swearing, slight dubcon, sexting, manipulation, semi-gaslighting, making out, lingerie

a/n : this is for @510hz’s how to be a heartbreaker collab !! i personally absolutely adore marina and i love the electra heart album even more, so i’m really grateful that i had the chance to participate :) also ty @haithamuse for helping me out on my “to continue or not to continue” dilemma </3 minors, please do not interact.

“i just don’t love you anymore. you’re too much to handle.”

you sit on the couch in silence as your boyfriend — now, ex — shouts at you whilst packing clothes messily into a suitcase. “i didn’t do anything wrong.”

his poisonous laugh pierces your heart. “no, because you never do! this is why i’m leaving you, because it’s always someone else’s fault but yours.” hot red waves of anger pulsate from him, and you can only watch as he struggles to shut his case. “i’m leaving. take your drama someplace else.”

you don’t even blink when he slams the door harshly, the brash sound echoing throughout the apartment. a single tear rolls down your cheek, and you struggle to convince yourself that it was his fault and that he was being difficult, not you. you didn’t do anything to hurt him, he’s just too soft and can’t understand anything. yes, that’s it. it’s all him.

except, in reality, it isn’t.

you know full well why he left you; you see everything through rose coloured glasses. you think the world revolves around you, and anything that goes wrong is a way of the universe telling you that you need to cut people off. in your eyes, everyone wants to be your friend, everyone wants to be invited to your parties and any boy would kill to call himself your boyfriend.

that’s why this is such a shock to you. nobody drops you. nobody.

so why do you feel so alone?

the truth is, you’re self destructive. you don’t realise it, but everything you do slowly chips away at people’s perceptions of you, carefully building a glass wall between yourself and everyone else. you hold yourself above everyone else and deem yourself just too good, consequences be damned.

well, not really. now you’re sitting alone in your dark student apartment, with no boyfriend, and no friends to turn to. so, you make a dumb decision.

itadori stares at his phone incredulously. are you seriously still talking to him after your absolute shit show of a relationship? he really shouldn’t pay attention to your message at all, but if you’re sending him a photo, something has to be wrong, right?

so, out of pure concern for your wellbeing, itadori opens the photo. and really, he doesn’t expect anything less from a person like you.

it’s a mirror selfie, but different. your back is to the mirror and he sees that you’re wearing a skimpy red thong beneath your hoodie, which is pulled up just past your chests to give him a sneak peek of your lower cleavage. your phone is cast over your shoulder and he can’t see your face, but he can almost tell you’re making some kind of lewd face behind the lens.

when you were dating, itadori was very used to receiving pictures like this, accompanied with a caption of a similar nature. he has two choices: give in to your seduction and go over to your apartment to see what you want from him, or completely ignore you and go on with his evening.

he seriously wants to take the latter option, but the tent in between his legs says otherwise. “fuck,” he whispers, running a hand through his already messy hair. this is going to be one hell of an evening.

you stare at your phone. it says itadori read the message 20 minutes ago, but he still hasn’t replied yet. you roll onto your stomach on your bed and bury your head into the pillow, withdrawing when you’re met with the familiar scent of your ex. “i need to wash these sheets,” you grumble, picking up the pillow and throwing it across the room where it hits a picture of you and him in front of a nightclub. just as the frame clatters to the floor, the bell rings.

“coming!” on your way to the door, you silently pray that it’s itadori. the lord must’ve heard you because there he is, one hand in his pocket and another in his hair.

“don’t get me twisted, okay? you haven’t talked to me in months and i’m just here to-” itadori is cut off by you pulling him into an impromptu kiss. “what the fuck?”

your smile is saccharine sweet. “i’m single again, which means we can get back together.”

itadori frowns. “what makes you think i want to date you again?” he lets you pull him inside, closing the door behind him.

“because you loved me.” the way you say it is so confident, it sways him. he did love you, but you cheated and tried to tell him that he wasn’t ‘giving you what you need’ and that you had no choice but to ‘expand your horizons’. all of his morals seem to disappear when you pull him down onto the couch and sit right on his crotch.

“and you still want me, yuuji, so don’t try to hide it.” the way you say his name makes him weak in the knees. itadori has always known that you’ll be his undoing, but he didn’t expect it to happen like this. you’re obviously acting impulsively, and getting back with an ex is not the way to solve your problems.

“we can’t do this,” he whispers, but his body disagrees, his hands sliding under your thighs subconsciously. “you need time to relieve your pent up emotions.”

“i am relieving my pent up emotions,” you protest, placing your hands on his chest and seating yourself directly above his growing erection. “see?”

you’re irresistible and you know it, and itadori is falling for your seduction. hard. keeping eye contact with him, you dip your head into the crook of his neck and drag your lips along the skin. he groans deeply, his grip on your hips tightening and pulling you back and forth on his crotch.

“you’re so pretty, yuuji,” you say into his neck before sinking your teeth into the flesh. “i know you missed me, baby. let it all out just for me, okay?” itadori nods as if in a daze; that’s just the effect you have on him.

when your lips reach the neck of his shirt, he slides it off, allowing you full access to his uncovered chest. you remove your hoodie in turn, happily displaying to him the lace bra clasped around your chest. despite seeing you naked multiple times, he can never quite believe how beautiful you are; it’s almost like you were sculpted by aphrodite herself.

itadori notices he’s staring when he hears you laugh breathily. “you remember this set, don’t you?” you leisurely trace the patterns splayed across your chest. “you bought it for me on valentines day.”

itadori does remember. he remembers how happy he was when he saw the delight on your face as you lifted the lid of the box, your grin stretching from ear to ear. he remembers the way you wasted no time in undressing right in front of him to try it on, the lacy red material a strong contrast against your flawless skin. he remembers the night that followed, whispered threads of ‘i love you’ weaved in between the sounds of passionate love-making.

he can remember it all, but he can also remember the accompanying bitterness. all of that seems to wash away when you slide off of his lap and sink to your knees in front of him and slide your hands up his thighs. itadori lets you pull his zipper down, and then his boxers, and it’s almost like it was back when you first met: a pretty but stupid student sucking off her classmate in return for him doing her homework.

he’s pulled out of his thoughts by your honeyed voice and your warm hand slowly stroking the base of his cock. “are you ready?”

itadori nods. it’s been so long since the two of you had been intimate like this and, if anything, he was more than eager for you to start. you smile up at him before gliding your tongue along his slit, collecting the slither of precum before taking his tip into your mouth.

once he slips under that thin veil of pleasure, he knows there’s no going back. you have itadori memorised to a t, so you know exactly what makes him shudder. you drag the tip of your tongue along the underside of his cock and take his silky balls into your palm, massaging them just enough to make him sigh contentedly.

“d-do that again.” you do, this time circling your thumb slowly along his smooth skin. he makes a noise akin to a whine and you smile around his length, snaking your other hand along the fat of his thigh before squeezing hard.

he tries his hardest to hold out but the pleasure pumping through his veins says otherwise, and itadori spills into your mouth, his face turning a bright shade of red. you, on the other hand, swallow faithfully, looking right up at him as you lick any residue off of his swollen cock.

just as itadori opens his mouth to apologise, you press a finger to your lips and shake your head. “don’t say sorry,” you muse, rising to your feet and pulling down your shorts. “you liked it, didn’t you? don’t apologise for that.”

he’s speechless; partly because you’re suddenly being so sweet to him, and partly because you’re now standing in front of him, the full set of lingerie complete with the tiny red lace thong concealing your cunt. there’s a tiny wet patch on the seat of the underwear, and he realises that you enjoyed seeing him crumble just as much as he did.

and when you smile cunningly at his reaction, itadori also realises that underneath that sweet, good girl persona, you’re still the self proclaimed primadonna you’ve always been.

#⋆˙⟡♡ htbahb collab #jujutsu kaisen #jujutsu kaisen x reader #yuuji itadori #yuuji itadori x reader #anime fanfic #fem!reader #female reader #jujutsu kaisen x female reader #jjk x reader #❲ love letters ❳#jujutsu kaisen smut #jjk smut

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jerreeeeeee · 2 months ago

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i also read the suffering game graphic novel. here's praises and criticisms. this one is also more negatives than positives unfortunately, i tried to be fair and thoughtful but i did not like it very much

things i liked:

-lucretia prologue establishing that she went to wonderland + talking abt missing the crew. fun & mysterious

-hi mavis and mookie :) they are cute

-HI BARRY sometimes i forget he stalked merle’s family outing. i love that freak

-magnus and angus scene!! fisher showing angus the statue drawing!! ango detective subplot!! this is a nice and natural addition since we know he was sleuthing around the BOB

-merle teasing taako about his date is kinda cute actually love seeing them be friends

-thank god they got rid of the chimera. idk if this is a hot take or anything but its probably my least favorite fight in the podcast its so out of place and unnecessary. there are lots of fights that didnt really matter in the beginning like all the gerblins and the slime swamp in rockport but they were still like getting their bearings and the show was more like a real dnd campaign than a typical actual play, but by the time you get to the suffering game there’s more interesting things to do and you're like god why are we still doing random forest encounters just get to wonderland already

-not a positive per se but i’m not that upset about sterling and his party being cut. i feel like an adaptation would’ve had an opportunity to make that little c-plot matter more, and that would’ve been awesome, but as is in the podcast, i never felt particularly strongly about it? not enough to miss it. idk like magnus and merle were already for ‘trust’ even if it were strangers and taako never seems all that regretful about it (which like. fair. he’s the pragmatist and that’s how the prisoner’s dilemma works. he played the game right because he couldn’t afford to lose, knowing they hurt some slightly-less-strangers doesn’t really change that).

-i dont remember which of the boys discovered it in the podcast but merle noticing the smoke thing is good. he actually is competent and especially in an arc that’s meant to make him feel useless that’s a good little reminder

-i do like that the liches say the bell is very powerful & is threatening to destroy them like both keeping in theme with the rest of the relics and an introduction to the idea that sharing an incredible and dangerous power between two people makes it easier to keep your sanity, similar to lichdom

-griffin getting cut off with the hunger is awesome finally we’re taking advantage of the medium. nothing more to say that choice rules

-posts on tumblr hyped me up for taako recognizing barry’s dick but unfortunately that’s not really what happened and now i’m disappointed. but the graphic novels arent canon so i’ll just have to continue with my barry/taako awkward past one night stand agenda despite it all

-i dont quite know how to feel about the umbrastaff leaping to barry to replace the “love barry, trust barry” moment. on the one hand, having lup actually speak to taako wouldn’t work super well in graphic novel form, not to mention the whole band of projected thought thing was kinda convoluted and they are clearly very limited on time, and taako choosing to trust the umbrastaff in this way is a creative way to get that same effect. on the other hand, its so unclear what even happened or why it changes taako’s mind without podcast context. that’s one of my big gripes, you’re expected to be familiar with the story already, but if you’re familiar with the story, the graphic novels are… worse in every way. also, i really really liked the original scene so even though it doesn’t work, i miss it. this isn’t as effective—we don’t find out there’s a person missing from taako’s memory, his heart doesn't swell at the sound of her voice, he doesn’t know with certainty that she’s someone dear to him. it's just like, another instance of the umbrastaff acting weird. maybe you put together that 'LUP' is a person but you don't have any indication until the moment of remembering how important she is. all of that would be really difficult to get across in a visual medium anyway, but still, yknow, it doesn’t hit as hard.

-ango!! his mage hand is coming along so well!! although. why is his wand just like a stick. did he pick it up off the ground. taako needs to take better care of his boy this reflects badly on him as a teacher lmao

-i felt this way about the eleventh hour too but there’s so many little details of taako and merle’s friendship i feel like they have little asides and jokes together a lot and i love that

-the looming dread of the hunger is done pretty well (as well as it can be with such time restraints)

-merle trying to commune with pan and seeing john instead is good. very ominous and intriguing for new readers and exciting for podcast listeners

-really liked the panel of barry in the red robe against the stars and the bond engine’s white ring as he’s remembering. very cool very cinematic

-i actually also really like the framing as taako remembers, filling in the memories we’d seen previously and clearing out the static while he looks so broken, and merle asking him what he’s remembering, and then finally speaking his sister’s name. its framed very powerfully. i wish he and lup didn’t look awful so i could actually feel something at that part. like they are my favorite characters ever their story makes me so emotional and i just. they’re unrecognizable. the character designs are terrible and taako has spent 6 books now being mischaracterized and flattened to hell so i just can’t muster any emotion. maybe i'll redraw that page someday though because the panelling is genuinely very good

-the ending lucretia monologue is good she's the narrator she's the main character she's everything. love the portraits staticking out and mirroring and changing, and ending on the beach painting is great. very cinematic and a natural way to phase into the stolen century

things i didn’t like:

-i dont think taako’s deepest desire is his own brand of fashion forward athleisure wear if i’m being quite honest. these little things irk me

-why is liches get stitches all the way in the beginning… ill portent for how the rest of this book will go

-i think they shouldve introduced the flaming raging poisoning sword of doom way earlier. the payoff isnt nearly as good without the setup of having been magnus’ white whale for like fifty episodes. maybe they did mention it in earlier books and i just forgot though

-^ i hate his stupid ugly oversexualized stereotyped ass so fucking much its unreal

-why are edward and lydia ugly :( —(they're not ugly because they're chubby they're ugly because their color schemes and outfits are fucking awful) (fr though why are all their colors so muted and dingy?? why are their outfits boring?? at least their heart attack looks are fun)

-oh so there’s just no trust or forsake at all. yeah i don’t like that. in the end no great loss since i don't think it really says anything about thb's characters that hasn't already been said, but so much of thb's characters and arcs have been cut from the gns already

-i get that they’re low on time trying to fit in reunion tour but like come on part of the suffering of the suffering game is how long and painful it is cutting it down really just. makes it not matter as much

-magnus looks no different after aging LMAO he gets like 2 gray hairs and that’s it

-edward and lydia’s lich forms are also boring unfortunately

-no tasha’s hideous laughter on the heart attack mannequin? lame. although i have for the first time realized that dnd shows kinda have a thing for characters uninterested in romance being forced by mysterious powers to be haunted by creepy puppet-like “romance partners” huh

-magnus doesn’t forget kalen?? why cut that out? i guess because there was never closure for it in the original story?

-no boss rush?? that was fun :(

-magnus and taako aren’t surprised merle has kids??? did they know???

-dupree looks terrible but i guess props to carey for giving him feathers even though it looks bad

-just axed the liches’ backstory?? that was kind of important?? the fact that they turned to necromancy out of love for their family & powered themselves with positive emotions too? that like, has relevance later…

-NO BAD LUCK FOR ARMS OUTSTRETCHED? COME ON

-the framing of magnus’ soul being removed is so anticlimactic in general like the POINT of a VISUAL adaptation is to have interesting & cinematic VISUALS its just so messy

-all of arms outstretched didnt look very good in general sorry. its just such a big important moment and to make it so mid… a tragedy

-“i guess we still needed each other after all” doesnt work anymore because they removed all of edward and lydia’s backstory and character but it was an interesting line to me that i wish had been kept. hammering in that liches need anchors is, again, pretty relevant later on, getting rid of that foreshadowing sucks, and it also humanizes these villains in an interesting way that really highlights their powerlust as their downfall rather than just, like, cruelty for evil’s sake. like yes they torture people and find it fun because they’re so distanced from their own humanity but they also truly believed it was necessary for their own safety and seemingly only became sadistic after they desensitized themselves. i wrote a post about this a while ago but idk if i’ll ever post it

-not a fan of barry killing lydia either. idk why, its not like he hasn’t killed other people to protect the boys before. but that’s earlier in the show before we know he’s not just a villain and is in fact meant to introduce him as a villain. now he’s a friend so idk if you can just go back to having him murder people? again its not a wrong choice but it feels like messy storytelling. also like i think seeing a lich grieving her anchor and a sister grieving her brother would pull some heartstrings for him. it would maybe remind him of some people he loves and garner some sympathy and give him some pause. and i liked that in the podcast even though lydia was so distanced from the idea of positive anchors, killing edward just immediately undoes her, fits in with the themes and the way we understand liches to work, another powerful example of what bonds can do, and that's kinda lost here

-magnus’ answer to the bell sucks so badddd lmao when these books NEED context they’re devoid of it but when they actually have the necessary plot points/character arc established for the reader to put something together they have to go and spell it out like the audience is stupid. there was something so raw and powerful about magnus’ original “i’d hate it. shut the fuck up.” like just shutting it down and not even considering it. that’s completely lost when he has to be like “recap time! my wife, julia,” eugh just didnt like that. there are so many powerful lines from balance that i don’t hate on principal that they’ve changed, but there was no good reason to change, and so the new version just falls flat and there was no reason not to include the original lines verbatim? i get not wanting to just deliver a podcast highlight reel and have the gns be their own story or w/e but if you’re gonna do that you have to do it well, and they just keep being worse unfortunately

-they don’t get the chance to go off the grid themselves and choose to trust barry?? come the fuck ON that is IMPORTANT to the STORY

-this may or may not be an unpopular opinion but i’m not a fan of barry’s design either. i don’t like the hair and he’s not fat enough. less egregious than others but its still another instance of being like who tf is that

-barry’s little coin monologue was kinda fun and dramatic and i (finally) liked the visuals of him falling from the sky/silhouette of the starblaster against faerun’s single sun. but i wish they’d kept more of the original. add drama that’s fine but the point of it is to humanize him after we’ve spent so long thinking of him as a villain and a ghost and a force of the story and now it turns out he’s barry bluejeans. he’s just a guy. he loves his mom. he’s allergic to dairy. he’s afraid of the dark.

-especially not a fan of cutting out the “love that defined and redeemed you” and “dull weight in your chest” in barry’s coin monologue. those are important parts of his character. whether you interpret the love and the weight to be for lup or for the whole crew, you need to know that the red robe has lost people, and that everything he does is to try to get them back. he’s the lover and he’s grief personified. his mission is to save the world AND recover his family. thats like. kinda important for his character and role in the story. if you ask me.

-again the “we’ll get em next time” magnus flashback is not BAD but it could’ve looked so much better? carey definitely has strengths as an artist but her fight scenes and character design tends to be very weak so its unfortunate that this is an adaptation of a dnd podcast where those 2 things are like, the most important. idk i feel like i should be articulating what i mean better but i’m not sure how. the fights just are often really cluttered and framed in an odd way that doesn’t look very good or dramatic or dynamic. i don’t want to say carey is a bad artist, i really don’t think she is! but i think she was not the right artist for this project. the magic of a visual medium is, well. the visuals. when they’re mid the whole story suffers.

-taako and merle not just saying magnus is dead is sorta unnecessarily confusing since everyone like assumes he’s dead anyway? idk i don’t understand that choice. kinda fucks with his moment with carey. not a big deal in the end but it does seem unnecessary

-MAGNUS DOESN’T GO SEE FISHER?? the mannequin dies in fantasy costco??? what about johann???

-“you stole half of my fucking heart” i know a lot of people loved this line but it genuinely baffles me. Why Only Half. not only referencing one of the most heartwarming (and heartbreaking) lines in the original show with no context for why its meaningful at all yet—but also minimizing it? why soften that blow? why detract from the raw intensity of that grief? why reduce a very powerful sentiment? an adaptation of balance that doesn’t allow itself to be earnest and wholehearted (ha) about its platonic bonds is not a good adaptation, straight up. maybe its not that deep but it is To Me. maybe it has no real import and i’m just being stupid but like they made that choice to write half instead of just “my heart.” Why, genuinely

-hey what the fuck happened to johann for real though. that was a really important part of the story. hey. hey. what about johann. like are we just ignoring johann. am i insane. how has no one mentioned this. what’s up with johann

so all in all, again, rushed pacing, axing of a lot of very important plot points, shoddy visuals.

it did not make me relive the emotional journey of the suffering game and reunion tour. it inspired a vague nostalgia for the first time i experienced reunion tour, reminded me of how much i love the original show, and made me want to listen to the podcast again. especially reunion tour good god i love reunion tour. and it made me desperately wish for a good adaptation. i would do fucking anything for a good adaptation. the longing is making me sick. at least we always have podcast reunion tour.

the graphic novels are just so empty and soulless compared to the original show. i wouldn’t have an issue with changes, except that the changes, at every turn, gut the emotional core of the story that makes it so special, and ruin the strong themes throughout the story. they fundamentally misunderstand what is so good about balance. and also, like, basic storytelling. they’re poorly designed and poorly written, so they don’t even stand on their own as a different story. i'm not expecting an exact replica, but i am expecting good writing, good changes when necessary, and respect for the original beloved story. without those, the soul is gone, the spark of what makes balance so compelling and emotional.

i am dreading the story and song graphic novel. i don’t think it will be any good. the themes and character arcs and plot of the show have been mangled beyond belief so nothing is really meaningful anymore. can we go back to the johann thing for a moment—

#mine #taz graphic novel #taz graphic novels #taz gns #the suffering game #the adventure zone #taz balance #the adventure zone balance #maybe they're just changing up the order of things wrt johann and maybe it'll all work out in the next book but idk #doesnt look good atm

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rafent · 4 months ago

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Gregory x Rafal Support Chain: The Rafal Answer Key "Who Is the Real You?"

Rafal is a real piece of work. I have as much love for him as I do because he's messy, imperfect, and I understand how he ticks. But coming hot off the heels of the Fell Xenologue, he also stands as the game’s most mysterious character.

We’ve known his false Nil persona for the entirety of the DLC and the true Rafal only for the epilogue. Getting a pulse on his real personality just off the story campaign is difficult. Because he makes that drastic switch from antagonist to playable, and because he's had that off screen thousand year time skip, he probably benefits the most from players reading his supports. To that end, he has six supports that contribute to his clarity, but one in particular that really paints a clear picture of who he is and narrows it down:

Gregory x Rafal, the keystone support to understanding Rafal.

By our player perspective, Rafal's situation after the DLC inspires many questions; does he still have a penchant for evil? Is he rebounding? How much has he changed after his time skip, or has he changed at all? What are his goals now? Etc, etc. And the questioning of Rafal is a reasonable curiosity because the Gregory x Rafal support directly alludes to that dilemma.

Gregory: I guess I was right, then. Before, when you were being nice to us…that was all an act, wasn’t it?

Rafal: Of course it was an act. Is your weak mind so easily soothed by empty platitudes? Oh, Gregory, I’ve missed you so. The sight of you fills my heart with joy.

Gregory: Ouch. You don’t have to be so mean. Words hurt as bad as blades, you know.

Rafal: Then state your business, and cease to waste my time. What brings you to me now? Revenge?

Gregory: What? No. I’m not like that at all. I don’t believe in revenge. I don’t have any particular business with you.

Rafal: Then begone. You are of no further use to me.

At the beginning of the support chain, Rafal looks like he’s falling back into old footsteps. Willing to throw his former allies away, dismissive of Gregory’s presence, scathing, cruel, and sharp-tongued to someone who is only reaching out; everything he says here implies that he is a shade of Nil. Fortunately, Gregory already has an idea that something is not right. Calling Rafal’s cruelty a continued ‘mask’ in the vein of his kindness is the most illuminating thing he could have done. It already sets the stage for the most important post-DLC question:

Gregory: You’re cruel. But it feels like a mask, just like your kindness did. So…who is the real you?

Straight to the chase, putting Rafal on the spot. And Rafal is having none of it. He pulls a dark face, calls Gregory's naivete 'staggering', and stalks away. Typical Rafal behavior. Luckily, Gregory our licensed animal biologist comes to the rescue and gives an expert reading on the wildlife.

Gregory: The way you feel obligated and try to push me away. Your inability to honestly express thanks. You try to hide it, but I see you. And I doubt you’ll betray us again. Probably. No, definitely.

グレゴリー: 負い目を感じて冷たく突き放そうとしたり、感謝しているのに素直になれずにいたり。

This succinct analysis says it all; it sweeps the cobwebs and clears any uncertainty. Rafal isn't cruel for the sake of being cruel, if that was ever under question. The full picture is that he’s not to be taken at face value and what’s learned here is important. Both the stated inability to express himself and his strong feelings of obligation which lead to pushing people away are conceptual staples for his character. They can be applied to the understanding of other interactions.

"Your inability to honestly express thanks." Rafal's difficulty of self-expression is easily explained, all we need to do is look at his background. Rafal is not used to putting his emotions on display when the near majority of his life was spent pretending to be someone else. His formative growth also comes from a cutthroat society that places distrust in one's own kin.

Qualities like kindness and trust would lead to an early death in Gradlon, and it's why Rafal repeatedly expresses awe that Alear can be so kind and trusting; in his words, 'naive'. To him, THESE are the inappropriate, exploiting, and dangerous traits, which are underway to being de-stigmatized as he begins to see their merits. Rafal isn't like Veyle who wasn't old enough to fight in Gradlon's wars or recall its struggles, or like Alear who is but suffered amnesia over their memories, or even like Nel and Nil who had biological twins; he is a lonely, direct, and maximal product of his environment with very few sources of positive reinforcement.

"The way you feel obligated and try to push me away." The raw JPN line above furthers elaborates on that obligation as a feeling of guilt, which can be extrapolated anyway, but is nice to have set in stone. And that emphasis is important. Rafal is fronting, he has an affected conscience, and it’s revealed that he does what he does out of obligation, because Gregory is someone that he’s hurt. Bad. And what will hurt him worse in Rafal’s eyes is orbiting near Rafal and sharing space with the person responsible for his pain.

Is this a compassionate way of thinking? Definitely. It means that Rafal is conscientious; he's thinking of his victims, he understands the profundity of his past behavior and it colors his guilt to the point where he’ll act harshly to deter interaction. Don’t stain your hands with me, don’t make things worse for yourself—that sort of well-meaning if extreme mentality.

Is this the right way? Way more debatable. It doesn't matter if he hurts Gregory in the process of repelling him because the ends justify the means. He doesn’t default to healthy communication or dialogue; instead he’s immediately willing to self-sabotage and push people away. To wear the ‘mask’ just like he did as NIl, and demonize himself so that others won’t want to possibly engage with him further. The true Rafal is snappish and prickly, still deceptive, occasionally even cruel.

But is it for malice? No.

Rafal: Do you recall nothing of how I played you for a fool? The life that was lost because of it?

Gregory: Of course I remember…

Rafal: Surely you are harboring resentment─or fear, at the very least, that I may turn on you again.

And over all, that's the crucial line drawn by this support: it's not that Rafal doesn't care at all. Rafal cares. A LOT. We can see Gregory x Rafal as a microcosm. If Rafal didn't care about someone, if he truly did see them as disposable and insignificant, he would do anything else but reach outside of himself and empathize with their internal conflicts. He would do anything but act out of roundabout goodness on their behalf. 'Actions over words' is an adage that he references in his A support with Alear and it applies ironically to himself.

(Died Zelestia, Gregory, Madeline) Rafal: All of the remaining Winds, gone in a flash. I wonder if I even have the right to grieve...

Camilla: I’ve noticed you keep your friends at arm’s length, no matter how warmly they accept you. -> Rafal: I caused my sister’s death. I all but destroyed an entire world. I am irredeemable.

Rafal, Tiki Bond A: You remember, and yet still consider me a friend? I do not deserve this, but thank you.

Rafal is exceedingly conscious of where he stands in relation to others. At his core, he's unsure, guilty, and avoidant. He is uncertain of his place and his right to be happy as someone who stole that happiness from others so he keeps his distance. He feels a strong sense of duty to his victims, but struggles to be honest with his feelings, and so chooses the 'easy' out when faced with Gregory.

Gregory: As great as it sounds to just stand aside and avoid all conflict…If I stop watching you and you get killed, I could never look the Divine Dragon in the eye again.

Rafal: Ugh… If you insist, then so be it. But mind your place, and keep up─lest you be left behind.

Gregory: But of course. I will do as you say, my former master.

Every instance of his interaction with Gregory in this support chain sans A ends with Rafal walking away first or dismissing him. Is it really walking though? No, it's running. Rafal is not in his element, he feels compromised, or can't stand the way the other is bit by bit beginning to disarm him. Rafal is trying his best to keep up his walls for Gregory's sake, but the reality is that kindness and good intentions are always disarming. It's no different here.

Gregory: Oh, believe me, I used to resent and hate you with all my heart. Still do, if I’m being honest. But that anger…it’s not directed entirely toward you.

Rafal: What is that supposed to mean?

Gregory: Well, I never realized you had a secret. I didn’t even realize how much you were suffering. I’m more angry at myself for being so useless. I wasn’t able to help you. To…to rescue you.

Rafal: Is that so.

In sum, a character who is inwardly compassionate and outwardly cruel; has both very high self esteem and very low self esteem; who seemingly stands his ground but in reality takes the earliest opportunity to flee; all things that manage to coexist.

#◜ ₊ — 𝓡 ˚ ₊ 𝐌𝐄𝐀𝐍𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐎𝐅 𝐏𝐎𝐖𝐄𝐑 ╱ headcanon.#i have a lot of thoughts on this specific interaction which is why i saved an entire meta for it #things about rafal just clicked after this support and gregory airs out all his dirty laundry which is simultaneously fantastic lmfao #rafal is a furtive character who benefits so much from extraneous understanding so i felt appreciation for each of his supports #but this one is really like the bread and butter

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hit-song-showdown · 1 year ago

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Year-End Poll #53: 2002

[Image description: a collage of photos of the 10 musicians and musical groups featured in this poll. In order from left to right, top to bottom: Nickelback, Ashanti, Nelly, Nelly and Kelly Rowland, The Calling, Vanessa Carlton, Linkin Park, Fat Joe, Usher, Puddle of Mudd. End description]

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We're starting to see post-grunge start to take the place of alternative rock in the pop charts, with the rising popularity of Nickelback, The Calling, Puddle of Mudd, Creed, 3 Doors Down, and other similar acts. Despite the immense popularity (or perhaps because of it), post-grunge continues to be a controversial label among rock listeners for the genre's tendency to favor pop-friendly melodies and "simpler" subject matters.

Speaking of controversial rock subgenres, this year also contains a single from one of the best-selling debut records at the time (going 12 times Platinum), Linkin Park's In the End off the album Hybrid Theory. And with that (or parallel to that) came the rise of nu metal and rap metal in the mainstream. It's notable because, at least not since glam metal in the 80's, there hadn't been a subgenre of metal that really blew up with mainstream non-metal audiences to the point where it came to define that moment in time for many. (I know Metallica was able to spread past the confines of genre listeners, but that didn't really lead to a thrash or heavy metal craze among people who wouldn't have already been predispositioned to listen to it).

Nu metal is also incredibly fascinating to me personally because it really shows how "genre" can differ whether you're approaching it from a music-listening perspective or a marketing one. If I had to boil "nu metal" down to a simple set of characteristics, it would be "a subgenre of metal that favors shorter runtimes, takes heavy influences from hip-hop sound and culture, and is often associated with the early 2000s". But if you asked marketing teams at the time, "nu metal" would probably be defined as, "the popular rock music we can't market to the alternative rock crowd". That could be why, to this day, you often see bands like Linkin Park, Korn, Limp Bizkit, Staind, System of a Down, and even Evanescence lumped together under the descriptor, even though I think they don't all have much in common other than the time period, song length, and popularity. If you're marketing on the radio, it makes more sense to squish them together instead of trying to split hairs over subgenres. Only a few (and by "few" I mean "one") of these artists I've listed will be featured in future polls, but I wanted to ramble about this anyway.

Anyway, despite the immense amount of money brought in by albums like Hybrid Theory, the record industry was still scrambling to find ways to get people to pay for music again. In 2002, Nokia released the first polyphonic ringtone, which allowed the phone to play several notes at once. With cellphones growing in popularity, this may be the solution the record industry was looking for.

#billboard poll #billboard music #tumblr poll #2000s #2000s music #2002 #nickelback #ashanti #nelly #kelly rowland #the calling #vanessa carlton #linkin park #fat joe #usher #puddle of mudd

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sun-marie · 2 months ago

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'kay putting this here bc i feel insane and i'm thinking about this way more than i should, but i've never been so conflicted on two romance options pre-release before

pros of me romancing davrin:

he's a completely new character unique to veilguard

seems charming as hell

he's an elf, which is good bc a) pointy ear go brrr and b) it would be my first elf/elf relationship (as opposed to my extremely common human/elf). which i guess isn't that important but is good for variety

handsome as all hell

assan <3

understated angst potential of a grey warden romance

h a n d s o m e

could make my rook want to be a better person :)

cons of me romancing davrin:

bioware's spotty history of writing black characters respectfully

i have already romanced a grey warden (alistair)

i have already romanced an elf (fenris)

i have already romanced a warrior (cassandra... all three really)

potential for tragic ending (bc grey warden)

pros of me romancing lucanis:

i have yet to romance a crow, or an antivan character, or a rogue

plethora of background in his book appearance

attractive (when dressed right)

adorable awkwardness potential

can cook

long hair + beard combo go brrr

apparently very funny but also has an impressive amount of righteous anger (hot)

accent

could be morally ambiguous with my rook >:)

cons of me romancing lucanis:

elf/human pairing again, which again not that important but i'd prefer variety

angst potential could lean too far into camp depending on how Spite is written (a la A*ders and J*stice)

short (sorry kings)

could be missing out on more satisfying friendship dynamic

like am i overthinking this or do y'all see my dilemma

#datv spoilers #dragon age veilguard spoilers #this is specifically for me btw not them as objective romance options #sorry emmrich you're still not in the running 😅#like i feel like the rational part of me is feeling davrin but then i see lucanis and cease to think clearly. so idk

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mrsbsmooth · 1 year ago

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So we know you love Lewie 💗💗 Any thoughts on the other islanders, the season so far, the twin twist? And what steamy fics can we expect from you 🔥🔥My request is for a threesome with Ozzy and Marshall 🥵👯‍♂️ Wait, am I Kat?! 🤣

tbf a LOT of the islanders are fire this season, so I’ll take them all! Ok, FB has turned me into thirsty Kat.

I MEANNNNNNNNNN

Honestly, thoughts are all over the place. But thank you so much for asking!!! Here they are as of today:

The Game:

The first 3 chapters - 8/10 I was going to give it a 7.5, because of the repeating dialogue and a few spelling mistakes, but so far, I think it's better written than Seasons 4 and 5- maybe on par with S3 which is a season I really enjoyed. I'm really liking how Amelia seems to be responding to how you treat her, especially if you look at the scripts. Whether or not that will affect her actions remains to be seen.

The MC - 8/10 I gotta say... she's pretty cute. It does take some fiddling to get her the way you want her, and some of her facial expressions make it look like she's had botched lip job, but overall, she's definitely prettier than S4 and S5. (Except your S5 MC ^^ wtf she's so pretty???)

The LIs - 9/10 So far, I'm really liking what I'm seeing. Yeah, some of their dialogue is the same. But I think they're different enough in personality and where it matters that it's not as noticeable as it was in say, Season 4, where James and Bruno shared a whole heap of the same dialogue, but it was clearly written with Bruno in mind, so it just seemed OOC for James. We've got a cocky dancer with a hopeless romantic streak; a golden retriever boyfriend with a soft spot for his Nan; a funny, cheeky skateboarder with a 'why-don't-you-make-me' level of flirt; and also Ryan is there. The personalities are distinct, the character designs are great, I'm really looking forward to finding out more about them

Overall design and concept- 7/10 I gotta say, I'm optimistic. It's starting out really strong for a new season. I get that it's not everyone's cup of tea, as it's a little 'gimmicky', but that's the road Fusebox are going down with the past few seasons. They're not just doing an 'open play' like S1, 2 and 3 where you come in as an OG and play all the way through. 4,5, and 6 are all 'themed', and I think having a twin in the villa is a cool concept that'll be worth exploring. It's been easy in previous seasons to just play for yourself, and say 'fuck these hoes' and just take whatever LI you want. But when it's your own sister, I think it'll make it harder to go after what you want - a moral dilemma with a family flavour. I kinda love it. Plus, if you have an identical twin that's as hot as you are, I doubt this is the first time you've had men confused about which one of you to pick💀

The Islanders:

Bella - hot. flawlessly hot. incredible rack. Her character design is absolutely gorgeous, and she is gonna be a fan favourite for sure. She just seems so fun, similar to Cora from S4, but more mature and ready for a romantic relationship. Can't wait to watch her bloom.

Grace - FB I will never forgive you for not making her a LI. I want her, those curves just *chefs kiss*. But honestly, if anyone's gonna be my bestie, I'm feeling it ith Grace. Yeah, she seems to like Ozzy, but she doesn't seem like the type to get her claws in and latch on for dear life a la Kat or Hope. Let's just hope and pray and beg that they're not making a brown girl villain again.

Ivy - I told y'all from the moment I saw her that I didn't trust this bitch. She looks too much like my cousin and my cousin is a backstabbing skank. I'm loving the concept of her though, this super type-A girl who (I almost guarantee) is either going to a) get kicked out early for being too picky, or b) have the most beautiful redemption arc where she ends up with a guy who ticks exactly zero of her boxes but she falls for him anyway. However, given Fusebox's history, I'm gonna predict she's the villain for about 2 days, then gets booted, same as Lexi from S4.

Jamal - Boys with J names 🚩... but honestly he seems nice. He's my backup LI at the moment. I'll see how things go with my #1 and might start again with Jamal instead. I think you're gonna get some wonderfully steamy scenes with this one. He's giving Bobby x Arjun, and that is something that deeply appeals to me. Cheeky, cheeky, cheeky. He's a saucy little minx and he's gonna be trouble, I just know it. Love his design, love his character so far, really happy.

Lewie - I thought he was a little baby-faced to start with, but honestly, I look at him and my brain screams husband. I'm getting Bruno x Gary x Ciaran from this one, and oh dear me, if that's not a combo that makes me swoon IDK what is. Love him so far, he's such a sweetheart but I love a footy lad.

Ozzy - I'm suspicious. I know he's already captured a few peoples' attention, but I was a little dismissive with him and he seemed a bit... red flag-y. Just a little too arrogant, you know? A little too flirtatious for someone who's very aware of how into him Grace is. I did like that he'd never had a one night stand though, although not sure how that meshes with the celebrity he apparently hooked up with in the dance studio? Because in the challenge he said he'd never dated a celebrity, but he also said he's never had a one night stand, so did he have a celebrity FWB????? The stories just aren't adding up to me. I don't trust him. Also his jaw's too sharp. And his flirty face looks like Rocco from S2. This one:

🥴

Ryan - Literally who? I keep forgetting he exists. Take your Timothee Chalamet ass away. IDK why but I'm getting Nicolas vibes from this one. 0/10 do not trust. It's something about the face.

Fics:

You want steamy fics? The @litgwritersroom asks are open, just sayinnnn

#litg #litg s6 #litg dt #love island the game #litg double trouble #ryan slander

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muppetminge · 4 months ago

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i don't as such care much for the concept of pride month, but since i happen to not have much going in june i will take this as an excuse to watch a bunch a lesbian films. in theory, this could be 30 - in practice, it almost definitely won't be. i will 100 % get bored and stop at some point. anyway i want to find like actually good lesbian movies - which might be an oxymoron, but anyway - this means i'll only be watching woman-directed movies, preferably lesbian-directed but i'm aware i probably won't get to be that picky </3.

movies watched:

1. The Watermelon Woman (1996), dir. Cheryl Dunye. "all you do since you don't have a girlfriend is watch those boring old films" well, screw you too, tam. so happy to start off the month with something that's actually good. thank you cheryl <3 speaking of, this woman is so fucking hot it's bullshit. also i do need her earrings like asap but that's another topic. forever saddened by the death of video stores... where am i supposed to go to meet hot lesbians now? netflix? it's bullshit, man.

I don't think there's any part of this I don't find incredibly compelling. It's really funny, and just generally so charming and, well, human. the narrative of building your own history really resonates, and honestly cheryl gets it across incredibly.

2. Pariah (2011), dir. Dee Ress. i didn't vibe with this one as much, but i guess that's my own fault considering i knew very well going into this that i don't particularly like coming-of-age movies. the soundtrack hit most of the time, even if the soundscape in general was a bit flat for my taste. it's a very dark movie. like, physically. i couldn't see shit half the time. also not really a fan of the camerawork throughout most of it. it's a nice-looking film if it's your kind of taste - unfortunately i am too kitsch to really appreciate it :/ i thought scene near the end with lee and her dad on the roof was really nice. also found kim wayans' character really compelling

3. La Belle Saison (2015), dir. Catherine Corsini. not projecting but also delphine i feel you so hard. is this representation because if so i don't mind it... (except the part where you're actually getting some but whatever). desperately making me feel like i should wear more tank tops. anyway delphine was really in a headlock with every single one of her principles toward the end huh. i get the dilemma though her riding tractors is basically public service (to Me because it's incredibly hot). i'm not even gonna be an ass about it like i genuinely just really liked this.

4. But I'm a Cheerleader (1999), dir. Jaime Babbit. "1-2-3-4, inverts we won't be no more!" obviously i've watched this a million times before. did take this as an excuse to watch the extended edition and like just saying ms babbit if you want to extend even more you're more than welcome to it <3 gonna be careful about mentioning natasha here because i love her and chances are i won't be able to shut up again but gd people really do underestimate how fucking funny she is… i've personal beef with clea for having basically the same haircut i had for a long while and making it look so much better. only realized on this watch that melanie lynskey's playing hilary. incredible. anyway i genuinely don't know what more anyone could possibly want in a movie. it's so hot. like all movies should look like this - let those colors pop for a change! one of the best soundtracks of the last thirty years and i'm so serious about that.

i think this was probably the first genuinely good lesbian movie i saw as a teenager desperately searching for something to relate to. it still grips me from the very first scene even now. i do think the stars aligned to make this work. it's so funny and it's such a great satire.

5. リズと青い鳥 / Liz and the Blue Bird (2018), dir. Naoko Yamada. shit, dude. first of all this is so so pretty. it makes me insane how much care and effort they'll put into like a background shot of a shelf or something... and all the watercolor... gorgeous. like just the opening shot with all flowers and the colors that are just popping right out at you... in general just really effective visual communication, especially on rewatches i'd imagine (after having seen the final hug scene). i remember when i went to high school one of my classmates was so incredibly musically talented it was genuinely a bit infuriating and i was so shocked she didn't go on to study music 'cause i would have if i'd been able to get in lmao. anyway this was really sweet. the last third is so incredible. when they finally play it, damn... genuinely like goosebumps. and then it somehow kept going? i feel like it's still settling while i'm writing this but i feel like i'm probably going to watch again at some point.

6. I Can't Think Straight (2008), dir. Shamim Sarif. cut to waters novel. cut to k.d. lang cd. one wonders. this having a lower average than imagine me & you if anything really shows that reviews are bullshit. loved the music. loved lisa ray's character being half a second from jumping leyla at all times. loved zina; wish she'd had more scenes. loved leyla's dad being an insurance salesman; life insurance even. sells itself. when the ladies finally did jump each other it was with zero hesitation and i fuck with that so hard. this movie is so funny i don't care. bonus the ladies are very very hot. you can't fault a movie from 2008 for being incredibly 2008. here's to leyla for one day achieving the honor of being tala's fifth fiance(e). truly gettin' it all.

7. Portrait de la jeune fille en feu (2019), dir. Céline Sciamma. writing this on the eighth with an officially broken streak :( it Will happen again. this is indeed the first time i've watched this because i am to my core a contrarian bitch and seeing everyone freak out about this did Not make me want to watch it. now i have, and like... it's alright, yeah. didn't love love it. it's probably too long for what it's got going on. i loved héloïse; she was great. there's some really powerful scenes in here, the bonfire scene especially. i really liked how blue the ocean was; i hate this tendency of (especially) period pieces washing out everything to a ridiculous degree. i know some people are like insane about this movie and i'm happy for them but i can't relate unfortunately.

i did think briefly at the start that it was gonna be about croquis, and i really wish it had been, ngl.

8. Carmen y Lola (2018), dir. Arantxa Echevarría. 'ya te he olvidado' yeah babe sure looks it. had a certain interest in this going into it for very elaborate personal reasons. it's a lot better than the synopsis makes it sound. lola searching 'lesbianas madrid' like i feel you girl, been there!!! speaking of i was def convinced lola was a lesbian which feels like so rare in such a 'mainstream' movie lmao so well done. very believable. and like my girl was so so persistent you gotta give her that like she really went for it. can't blame her i'd be so into carmen too so like. her voice made me wanna die. so hot. (sí también es que el acento madrileño me pone un poquito pero,,,,). it really went insane at the end like damn. i was not expecting the ending tho like i really thought carmen was gonna be annoying about it. do i even have to save that i really liked this? because surprisingly i really really did. i can't help but feel it's getting rewatched a ton some time lmaooo.

9. 漂浪青春 / Drifting Flowers (2008), dir. Zero Chou. can't believe someone in the reviews of this stole my joke three years ago. speaking of reviews don't look at them because of course people have to be so so annoying about this. as usual. anyway. i was so drawn in by this you wouldn't belive!! i don't even know what to say... this is for all us if these walls could talk babes btw. loved the scene where one of the characters blatantly walked by posters and posters of one of chou's other movies. show off.

diego!!! <3<3<3 every single character is lovely but diego made me wanna *** ngl. it did hit very close to home, thanks for asking. realised in her part that i probably chose the wrong day to watch this but that's on me lmao. this would have broken me if i had watched it as a teenager lowkey. does it come across in this that i really like interconnecting vignettes? because i do, and this is really well-executed. hope you'll watch it and also that you'll find less spotty subtitles than i did if you do lmao.

it's a very genuine movie; i don't mean that in a condescending way, because it's also very much a well-made movie, but it's a movie that so clearly has a lot to say, and i appreciated all of it. perhaps this is also why i was so surprised at the reviews, because it really resonated with me. i know i've already pointed out diego a lot, but all three parts were incredible and they really held each other up. i don't think any of them would feel as complete without the other parts. in an odd way it stands like a shining light in the darkness.

10. Addicted to Fresno (2015), dir. Jaime Babbit. "(lesbians are poor. ..)" confirmed babbit apologist sorry :/ anyway i'm not gonna compare this to cheerleader i wouldn't want to try to follow that either. it's a fun movie! i laughed a ton. my lyonne obsession is well-documented so i'm not even gonna touch on that lmao. that being said martha is exactly the kind of lesbian i want to see more of (no projection here. obviously). i'm bound to be all over anything with these themes; lo and behold indeed i was. i stand by this being really well-executed, y'all just didn't get what she was trying to do <3 you could argue some tonal difficulties, but honestly i'm not going to. it worked. it's a bit quiet, but i can see that adding to the whole point of being stuck. some surprise appearances to delight

11. Saving Face (2004), dir. Alice Wu. first of all gd will's mom has got it going on. anyway i wanted a fun romcom and i got a fun romcom so i'm not complaining! i will say that i think this is the genre at its best. like romcoms often risk coming across as a bit clinical i feel, a bit empty, but this is just so warm. i adored hwei-lan (not just because she's hot but let me reiterate that she's so unbelievably hot; i get that boy so much, i really do), she's so funny. i love circular storytelling, and i think the end was done really well. the scene after that during the credits is exactly how i want my movies to end actually, i want my face to hurt smiling. don't you? wil is an absolutely idiot. i cannot blame her for a single thing. also i get you babe, i can't stand for dancers either. i feel like this is close to being one of most just plain fun movies i've watched so far.

12. Kyss mig (2011), dir. Alexandra-Therese Keining. gd i so want all my lesbian movies to start with a straight sex scene, don't you? coming to you with the exact opposite mood of that from yesterday. everyone in this is horrible. mia and frida's relationship is not believable at all to me sorry. i barely believe that these two even like each other if i'm being honest. it's not the first movie here where the romance comes a bit from nowhere (namely portrait, which made up for it with some level of charm, and belle saison, which i just liked enough otherwise to excuse it) but here i'm definitely gonna blame it for it because it's got nothing else going on, either. to be entirely fair, it was very optimistic going into this with my dislike of 'scandi dramas', especially of the swedish variety, but fuuuuck, i was so bored i'm sorry. it's soooo slow. i actually quite liked elin but she was there for like five seconds - and good for her, because damn you deserve better babe... both of the main women kind of suck lmao but at least frida sucks in a fun way most of the time, so she's excused. i don't know if i'm supposed to feel bad for tim (probably! knowing the genre, knowing swedes, knowing movies), but he's such an asshole. i genuinely think mia should have killed him. i can't blame mia for sucking; her dad's a major asshole, i'm sure she's had it rough. i'm sure if you like this sort of movies it's alright. it's not badly made by any account, i just really didn't like it. it has its audience. definitely a new low so far. the one good thing about this was that it really made me appreciate being a lesbian; those scenes with mia and tim genuinely looked like my personal hell. if i was mia i'd jump the first girl who looked at me too, ngl. the ending did make up for a few things, all things considered. i watched a not insignificant part of this without subtitles (because they would not workkkk) and i'm so brave for that tbh

13. Kokon (2020), dir. Leonie Krippendorff. proof that i should probably do more research before watching stuff (never going to happen though; no fun) because i did not realise this would be this much of a coming-of-age story. like literally hitting all the points. anyway it didn't do much for me. i really don't want to be mean here because it's obviously a very well-made film, and i get the intention, but... i was so fucking bored you would not believe. like i was less actively annoyed by this than kyss mig, but way more bored. it's not a very long movie, but it sure feels like it! anyway, if you're watching for the rep, you can skip this one; it's not really the main part of the movie, which is fine - comparatively, pariah had much more of a lesbian focus. this one really is just coming-of-age. something something you know you're in berlin when the whitest girl you've ever seen is swearing on the qur'an. i'm so glad i'm not a teenager - and what a joy to be getting further and further away every day <33

14. Desert Hearts (1985), dir. Donna Deitch. first of all the soundtracks is lovely (and it's a well-documented fact that mona will forgive everything for a good soundtrack). second of all i want to watch this again. like, immediately, right now. i'm gonna watch this so much i fear it's not even funny. ignore the 80s hair; we're in the 50s. one of the better romances yet. the lesbian-english teacher hypothesis proving true time and time again... incredible. cay is so funny. like the way the camera pans over to her in the bed in the hotel room scene... cinema! i was fucking done lmao. it's all just very lovely.

15. Go Fish (1994), dir. Rose Troche. well, we had to go here at some point. it's a very jazzy movie; take that however you wish. i have my criticisms, but also you can't blame a 90s movie for being too 90s (which in truth is what a lot of it boils down to). max' narrations were without a doubt my favorite part, the start especially so. there's more lesbians in one 80 minute movie than i've even crossed paths with, ever. cutting your fingernails before a date counts as foreplay in my book.

16. Joven y alocada (2012), dir. Marialy Rivas. i just know the progressive profesoras are going wild over this. huge respect to chileans for seeing a word and deciding fuck that shit and dropping half of it. top five accent ngl. also polola... also credit for starting a movie in the most uncomfortable way possible. anyway i am so not the target audience for this it's not even funny. it's well-composed, the style is great, entirely well-done, did not care for it. i only finished because i couldn't get the last-moment replacement to work and i didn't have time to watch anything else lmao. i have a lot of respect for rivas (hence me watching this) but... yeah. also really getting confirmed that i am very fine with lesbian sex scenes but straight sex scenes are horrrrrible.. nice reminder of the lesbianism i guess! i will be singing yo no te pido la luuuuna the rest of the night though. non voglio mica la luna...

17. Les Rendez-vous d'Anna (1978), dir. Chantal Akerman. an excuse to cross some akerman off my watchlist? you could call it that. i have a ton of respect for her. she's a very interesting person, i think. an interesting movie, too, all things considered. i'm very much drawn to the fastpaced and erratic truth be told, which this is like the polar opposite of, but it's got its point. i really liked the part with her mother. that was probably the high point of this. i didn't really care for either of the guys, like, at all, but it is what it is. still gathering my thoughts, i feel. not sure i'm entirely in the right space to really appreciate this.

18. Codependent Lesbian Space Alien Seeks Same (2011), dir. Madeleine Olnek. "...I did wonder about the gills". oh, this is how you make a movie. (was smiling and/or laughing from beginning to end). question: can this be replicated in real life. like can i just go find the nearest hot stationery clerk or how does this work.

19. Mädchen in Uniform (1931), dir. Leontine Sagan. all impact aside, this is a lot more fun than i'd thought. obviously i've been putting this off for a while now considering i hadn't seen it til now, but i really did enjoy it. i feel like it's rare seeing girls just having fun like this. as a young girl i was very into this old book series (incidentally from my mother's childhood) about some girls at a boarding school; entirely irrelevant to every and anything here, but watching this gave me the same vibe throughout much of it.

20. سكر بنات / Caramel (2007), dir. Nadine Labaki. absolutely adore this one description i found that says rima is struggling with her attraction to women - lmao where?? the most she struggles in this movie is the coerced leg wax lmao. otherwise it's basically all very sensual hair washing, gd bless. she's also very hot btw i do need to mention that. i see you all going crazy over labaki and you're not wrong but gd man... anyway, sensual hairwashing aside, the straight girls are alright too. seriously, this is actually very good. even though rima's the lesbian the most homoerotic part of this is layale very aggresively waxing of her lover's wife.

21. Een vrouw als Eva (1979), dir. Nouchka van Brakel. after a hundred minutes still not convinced this is a real language. anyway, i don't even know what to say. fuck, dude. gd. you could argue dated, but fuck it's rare to see a movie like this treat its lesbian protagonist with this much sympathy, even today. there's a lot to say, but in my mind this is what i keep coming back to. it's in the little things. at no point does this feel perfomative to me, either. a few asides: the beginning of this movie was very extremely effective at showing how utterly miserable eve was lmao. ad is a giant asshole; eve not slapping him is a testament to this poor woman's patience.

22. 蝴蝶 / Butterfly (2004), dir. Mak Yan-Yan. between the marianne faithful, patti smith and janis joplin i can't be entirely sure jin's place isn't actually mine also fuck josie ho is gorgeous. i almost didn't watch this (length) but gdddd i'm so glad i did. it took a bit for me to get into, but by the time it ended i had to just sit for a moment. it's breathtaking, honestly. i don't know what it is - maybe it's the timelessness? the way everything weaves in and out of each other constantly, like it's all happening at the same time. i don't know. it's so gorgeous, though.

23. Viola di mare (2009), dir. Donatella Maiorca. ah, sicilia, amore mio <3 anyway what the fuck. i think that's my main impression for the moment. gd. supposedly based of a real story, i really do think it's told well for the most part. i mean, gd, it would have been so easy to focus on all the surrounding, but the love really is palpable i gotta be honest. making me sigh and swoon over here... if more people were like angela, like first of all that would rule, but also lesbian movies would be sooo short. she's damn persistent lmao love her <3 definitely worth watching, but like do not read up on a single thing beforehand.

24. The Incredibly True Adventure of Two Girls in Love (1995), dir. Maria Maggenti. "Is this another one?" sometimes you really just do wanna watch two girls having fun. american high schools in media always throws me a bit because i genuinely can't tell how much is artistic exaggeration and how much is just you guys living like that. seems sick. if i still went to the hairdresser i'd show her a picture of randy in this. not getting over vicky's husband getting physical with a literal seventeen year old lmaoo go home dude! it's all very cute, genuinely. by my count this brings the jopling counter up to three. bonus for the bratmobile.

25. I've Heard the Mermaids Singing (1987), dir. Patricia Rozema. i'm really glad this is the one i'm the ending this on. gddddddddd i loved this so much. to quote polly herself: it's so... nice! oh, polly... <3 seeing a quirky weird girl represented so well is like seeing a shooting star.

all in all: this has been... really fun, actually. i don't know that i was counting on that. i did not in fact get bored and stop. i'm willing to concede that the amount of actually, genuinely good lesbian movies might in fact be a positive integer after all. definitely a much more fun way to spend pride month than engaging in nonsensical discourse. happy july! <3

#mona mona mona #had to rewrite parts of this so many times before discovering tumblr won't let me make a '</3' in a draft post love this website #the first broken streak was in fact mean girls so arguably it wasn't broken at all. lesbian janis truther. lesbian regina truther.#(lesbian karen truther bc i love ms seyfried....)#now on to sloth month where i'll be do absolutely fuck all <3 #you'll all be hearing back from me in time for wrath month ig #mona was in fact going to edit this monster of a post (spoiler alert: she did not. she tried and somehow made it longer. she gave up.)#lesbian media #lesbian #lesbian film #it's not even pride here yet btw lmao

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