#BUT i love it bc it makes me feel SO understood
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i need to stop shadowboxing the concept of romance when i write. i need to make my brain go to a world where romance doesn’t exist when i write because feeling its constant presence and people’s expectations of its presence and reading in of its presence is making me a worse writer.
like. thinking a lot about that post that’s going around rn about Books That Are Clearly Afraid Of The Reader. been thinking about how fear of being interpreted or perceived or whatever permeates a Lot of what i do and always has, creatively, and frankly compromises it, especially in terms of fear of people reading romance into my stuff because of how much i write about interpersonal relationships and intimacy and reliance and vulnerability and intense emotional situations.
i need to stop trying to build a boat with my main priority being ‘i dont want people to insist to me that this is a car or make people feel tricked into seeing a car etc etc’ when there is actually no part of this boat that needs to be made with cars in mind at all i could just Build The Damn Boat. this metaphor got lost.
point is i need to stop letting romance take up space in my stories at all. even if it's just as something i'm doing backflips over and around. i need to just start writing about platonic relationships - friendships, queerplatonic relationships, familial relationships, etc - without feeling like i need to first disprove romance as an automated and inherent assumption. romance should have no quarter here, even in feeling forced to deny it.
#gav gab#thinking aloud#sorry if youre in a server with me where you have to see this twice in a row#im just thinking a lot about it#this is definitely um. Influenced. by ocd.#but it's like...#the duelling desires to both have my work understood as being deliberately joyfully and unambiguously#about platonic relationships#while not wanting to put myself in a situation of constantly having to be like#“i love you As A Friend” says character A#character B wanted to hug character C but not in a romantic way or anything#characters D and F didn't have a romantic relationship but it was deeply intimate and committed and Real anyway#i want to just. yknow. have those things exist without having to give space and deference to romance even in denial#yknow?#i just dont know how to have both things at once#'what about ambiguity though gav' i dont want ambiguity.#i dont want Fuck Labels Who Cares What The Type Of Relationship Is! Fuck Platonic And Romantic!#It's Just Love!#i want platonic. period. end of.#good for people who find joy and value in ambiguity and unlabelled dynamics for real im happy for you#that's not where my joy and my sense of being seen lies#anyway. i just feel like im constantly shadowboxing romance yknow#and i want to stop. bc not only does that suck ass it just#i think it makes me a worse writer. i really do think that.#im just so SO aware of how people are going to interpret things most likely#as it has happened to me and in front of me Constantly#since i started sharing my creative work in any capacity#im just sick of it yknow. im sick of constantly having to be so hyperaware of fucking romance#in my writing
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lmaooo
#i love how well my grandma knows me alshxhjajxhd#like don't get me wrong it's a pain in the ass sometimes bc i can't hide SHIT from her she will always know#and she won't buy any bullshit from me#BUT i love it bc it makes me feel SO understood#if noone got me i know my babcia got me <3#anyway#im going to a wedding soon so she was like 'you have anything to wear yet?'#and i was like 'lmao no i hate buying dresses and i know i won't wear it ever again if i don't find a nice one'#and she immediately went 'i thought you'd want to wear a suit🤨' ALSJXHSKFJFJSKFJ WOMEN HOW DID YOU KNOW#bc yes i actually would so much prefer to wear a suit#fingers crossed i find one#anyway this wedding is stressing me out so much bc i'm also a maid of honour which means i have to organise the bachelorette party 💀#and it's scaaryyyyyy i don't even know these people and i want my friend to have the best night but im so scared im gonna fuck this up help#thoughts and prayers and fingers crossed that everything goes well bc oh boi#also. didn't think that this wedding would make me feel so self conscious and insecure ha ha🥴#agnes talking
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my first time doing a ship chart dont throw tomatoes at me guysh. im elaborating on the tags because im embarrassed. user f0rgetf0rgetting extreme yap session
i also got too passionate on the madoka magica one and ended up doodling this
#im slightly projecting on cadana bc i actually dont know what am i (currently unlabeled) but the demisexual flag fits somewhat#feel that it also fits him…….prussia is self explanatory me thinks. it fits him like a ring on a finger#(is that also a saying in english? im directly translating it from spanish😭😭😭lolz)#my take on their relationship is based on this fic i read once#The Invasion Domestic by calciseptine on ao3. life changing made me a prucan enthusiast#(also the reason as to why i think prussia himself stands on the way of their relationship and the slowburn)#NOW. THE MADOKA ONE STAY WITH ME#if what i understood of my watch of the show. the two of them are willing to sacrifice things for the other HIGHLY but in different ways#i dont think prussia is nice kind nor remotely innocent as madoka BUT he is completely willing to sacrifice his whole existence for canada#like. without doubting it even once. “my life is yours the moment i realize it’’ (pulled this line out of my ass)#canada is more than willing to make sacrifices for prussia#he loves him regardless of his stupidity and mediocrity. he is willing to fight to save him in his own terms#ENPHASIS ON HIS OWN TERMS BECUASE THEY ARE BOTH SO DIFFERENT DROM EAHC OTHER#anywho. i feel like canada (as america’s brother) doesnt mind eating whatever he was available#hetalia#hetalia prussia#hetalia canada#prucan#canpru
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i feel like im not making any sense but does anyone else feel like there are stories that let u run with them and ones that spell everything out for you
#im reading that post that says artists are directors of audience reaction and not its dictator:#'you cannot guarantee that everyone viewing your work will react as you are trying t make them react. a good artist knows that this is what#allows work to breath. by definition you cannot have art where the viewer brings nothing to the table ... this is why you have to let go of#the urge to plainly state in text exactly how you think the work should be interpreted ... its better to be misinterpreted sometimes than#to talk down to your audience. you wont even gain any control that way; people will still develop their opinions no matter what you do#im thinking abt this again cuz i was thinking maybe the thing that lets adventure time work so well the way it does is cuz it doesnt#take itself too seriously that it gives the audience enough room to fuck with subtext and then fuck with them back yknow. i think it was#mentioned somewhere that they werent even planning to run with the postapocalyptic elements that are hinted in the show but changed their#mind after the one off with the frozen businessmen and dominoed into marcy and simons backstory. on the other side there are stories that#explain too much to let the story speak for itself and i think it ends up having to do more with the crew trying to lead ppl in a certain#direction than expand on what they have and i see a lot of this with miraculous. like when interviews and tweets are used as word of god in#arguments and it becomes a little stifling to play around with it knowing the creator can just interject. u can say its the crews effort to#engage with its audience but it feels more like micromanaging. and none of this is to say there ISNT room for stories that spell things out#theyre just suited for different things. if sesame street tried abstract approaches to themes and nuance itd be counterproductive#a lot of things fly over my head so i need help picking things apart to get it- but it doesnt have to be from the story itself. ive picked#picked up or built on my own interpretations listening to other ppl share their thoughts which creates conversation around the same thing#sometimes stories will spell things out for you without being so obvious abt it that it feels like its woven into the text. my fav example#for this might be ATLA using younger characters as its main cast but instead of feeling like its dumbed down for kids to understand why war#is bad its framed from a childs point of view so younger audiences can pick up on it by relating to the characters. maybe an 8 year old#wont get how geopolitics works but at least they get 'hey the world is a little more complicated than everyone vs. fire nation'. same for#steven universe bc its like theyre trying to describe and put feelings into words that kids might not have so they have smth to start with#especially with the metaphors around relationships bc even if it looks unfamiliar as a kid now maybe the hope is for it to be smth you can#look back to. thats why it feels like these shows grew up with me.. instead of saving difficult topics for 'when im ready for it'#as if its preparing me for high school it gave me smth to turn in my hands and revisit again and again as i grow. stories that never#treated u as dumb all along. just someone who could learn and come back to it as many times as u need to. i loved SU for the longest time#but i felt guilty for enjoying it hearing the way ppl bash it. bc i was a kid and thought other ppl understood it better than me and made#feel bad for leaning into the message of paying forward kindness and not questioning why steven didnt punish the diamonds or hold them#accountable. but im rewatching it now and going oh. i still love this show and what it was trying to teach me#yapping#diary
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I miss them so bad (Dick and Damian)
#ramblings of a lunatic#dc comics#damian wayne#dick grayson#ITS JUST NOT THE SAME MAN#idk i was reading nightwing must die (again...) bc i was in a funk and saw another post saying how fans exaggerate the closeness btwn them#and on the one hand i get it. there is a very rosy portrayal of their relationship you'll come across in fanon#and they weren't very close at the beginning of their relationship#but man. reading Nightwing must die again was like#YES they fight. damian instigates it and while dick tries to exercise patience he does fight back/lash out on occasion#but despite all that it's still emphasized how important the two are to each other#when dick is forced to picture a future where he's lost his way he pictures damian being the one to bring him back#not necessarily bc damian is his favorite person on the planet but bc he gave damian robin. for a lot of practical reasons-#-but also bc how far damians come is (i think at least based on this arc) a testament to dick that hes doing Something right#both as a hero/person#damian is more than just a burden saddled on him (although there's an element of that in their batman and robin run)#he's also a last remaining connection to bruce when he's gone (remembering where he comes from) AND he's training damian+#-his own way! with a dash of tough love and workaholic spirit inherited but also a lot of patience and focus on being More than the darkness#idc what ppl say nightwing must die makes sense for these two. its a retcon but one that works imo#that dick buried his head in the sand about how much damian meant/the responsibility he had to him bc it was a commitment he was afraid of#and how damian ultimately was a point of maturation for dick even if he went back to being Nightwing#they were SO goddamn close and now they're still close but only in ways that are implied#and their bond is deemphasized in comparison to each others bond w/ say bruce. which i think is a shame#it was a wrinkle! a fun wrinkle that the batfamily had that in some ways dick understood damian better than Bruce-#-even if he didn't feel like he could handle the responsibility of raising him full time#it kills me that bc of the n52 we never got the handover of the batman mantle (and damian) from dick to bruce#next nightwing writer...include a flashback to that moment AND have damian appear in the book in present....AND MY LIFE IS YOURS!!!#anyway. dick is damians brother but also damian a little bit imprinted on him like a baby duck and its rubbed off on dick#they're partners they're mentor mentee but most importantly they were batman and robin. and they were the greatest#NOT bc it was all peaches and roses but bc they cared for each other exponentially despite all that
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Amateur Hour but I gotta outsource this. Aromantics. Heed my call. What is "romantic" love to a non-believer?
Bonus Round if you're not entirely ace -- does experiencing any amount of sexual attraction influence your answer? Also acknowledging that both aro/ace identities exist on a spectrum. Believe me. I am deeply familiar... with so many kinds of spectrums........... 🧍
Also if this breaches containment It's Not That Serious........... just a personal question. For a friend. Me 🙂↕️
#was so tempted to put 'sometimes 'love' is just autistic obsession' as an answer bc on god#i do think that's a factor for me. like. espppppp in moe's case. moe is just Obsessed w alfonse.#extremely weird about him constantly studying him. like. it does feel like love... the intensity of it..... but.#both me and moe. most romance repulsed motherfuckers out there.#like. like. not to get too personal but the one relationship i did have. i genuinely felt i loved him#but i also think. so much of it was me reflecting what i Think love was 'supposed' to look like.#most importantly he was my best friend (at the time). and i def did feel differently about him than i did anyone else/even other friends#which is why i'm so conflicted... like half i did genuinely love him half i've never been able to love correctly#and it's always taken some level of putting on a performance according to what i see to 'perform' love#like. like. am i just autistic. does it just come down to the autism again.#but also esp nowadays like. back on my bullshit. i actually ALWAYS hesitate to call whatever moe has w alfonse 'romantic'#like. i think he does feel/experience romantic feelings. but moe is just so dysfunctional and messy#that like. i don't think it would call anything it feels about alfonse romance.#but it still completely adores him. in a way that's distinct from how it loves sharena and how it feels about anyone else.#even charas it admires. somehow. which honestly jusy leads me back to The Obsession again#also extremely focal is how the demisexuality kicks in. like. it's definitely not devoid of sexuality.#IDK IDK I'M TALKING TOO MUCH I'VE TALKED TOO MUCH AND I'M SO TIRED. I'VE BEEN SO TIRED#i'm not in my feelings honestly i'm just frustrated LMFAOOO LIKE. SCREAMING. WHY DOESN'T IT MAKE SENSE‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥#why am i preordained by fate to never be loved OR understood. wjat the hell man!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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#im such a private person irl and for what like what purpose does this serve#all it does is distance me from people and keep me from making deep deep connections i know that very well#its just the act of opening up and being vulnerable especially when people aren’t groveling for me to open up is so unimaginable and#horrible#why do i do this like why i rlly dont want to share anything abt myself i just wanna know everything abt everyone while not sharing#anything abt myself#and then at the same time i am feel deeply disconnected and not understood and not known by anyone in my life except my mom#which im grateful for at least i have her but why cant i be that same way with friends i have literally had for 20+ years#i know i have to open up unprompted like without someone begging me to do so or its just gonna get worse and worse#but at the same time if there is this friend and shes curious idk theres just a million different things running through my head and im#just not ever a 100% honest or genuine with them#i guess in a way i also want to be seen in a certain light and as a certain someone and i do try to preserve an image of sorts even though#thats ridiculous to do with your fucking friends idk i guess im pretentious as shit?#i dont even know anymore#more than anything its like often when i share sth that was hard for me to open up abt i feel like ppl dont treat that with care or at#least havent in the past#and i rlly rlly hated that a lot and just i dont know#i told my mom some of the things my friends have said to me which has upset me and she was it sounds like they dont know you at all#and then she said but can i tell you that this is your own fault#and im like. i know. whag are they supposed to do#idk why am i like this what purpose does this serve omg id love to spend a day as an oversharer irl just to get a glimpse of what its like#i know this sounds odd bcs me online is just pure word vomit but thats probably also overcompensation cause i dont share these things with#my friends aka the ppl who i should actually be talking to#anyways
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What even is a voice lesson if I don’t cry atp
#light-hearted. I’m fine#I truly wish I understood why I cry uncontrollably in voice lessons#like wtf#it’s so humiliating#anyway it kind of makes sense this time#this opera is so fucking hard it’s quite literally making me rip my hair out#and I feel like such an idiot for not getting my part down perfectly#we’ve had it for so long I feel like I should be better#everyone else in it is also struggling and they’re all music majors and said it’s the hardest music they’ve ever worked on#which does make me feel a little less stupid bc like. this is just REALLY ridiculously hard music#but it’s still so frustrating#plus I have literally 10 hours of nonstop rehearsal today between opera and choir urgrhgrhthrhfhh#sometimes I wonder why I do this to myself#I love singing but fuck it makes me miserable like 90% of the time LOL#musicposting
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future for scientist, bound for cadaver, and monster for both of them? 🤔
future: What's the worst possible future for your OC? Are they taking steps to avoid that outcome? Are they even aware it's a possibility?
SO unfortunately for scientist i think the worst outcome for her is. achieving immortality FJNFJFN despite that being the one thing shes working towards yk. i think deepdown she knows this but shes still pursuing it bc shes basically in denial abt it... i think her being immortal would rly enhance some of her worst traits. like she already feels disconnected/dofferent/isolated from other people (which is partially why shes pursuing immortality in the first place) but if she got it it would just be. soooo much worse. i truly believe if she did become immortal shed fuck off to like. the most isolated place on earth and shed never talk to another person ever again. Which she might think is a good thing but it absolutely would not be
bound: Has your OC ever been imprisoned or captured? What happened? How did they get out? Did the experience leave any scars?
soo this one is difficult bc cadavers backstory im changing my mind on it majorly atm... previously i did have him being arrested and held in prison for a while and then being broken out/recaptured by scientist but im not sure if i still want all that .. the like. nature of his ... Whole thing has changed a lot since i originally came up with her so im not sure if that still works. like it Could but idk... so this one is a bit of a weird question to answer atm bc i havent fully decided yet... i suppose depending on how much control you view cadaver as having you could say like. living with scientist is imprisonment but i do think if cadaver actually wanted to get out it probably could. SO idk... also scars r also being reconsidered in my mind bc previously i had him Getting scars but now im not sure if that actually makes sense with the healing thing... but the issue is one of the main reasons i made him is bc i think autopsy scars r cool 😭😭😭 so i dont know...
monster: Is your OC monstrous in any way? Is there something that makes them monstrous? Are they aware of their own monstrosity? Do they accept it or reject it?
scientist: YAY so i think scientist has always felt inherently other. but i think meeting cadaver RLY changed her for the worst like. she literally regularly murders another person. and yeah he gets better but you dont just like... even if its not permanent you cant just become ok with killing someone without being a little bit off. yk. i think physically shes human (unless i decide that she Does take on the whole possession thing. constant flipflopping in connorland) but i think mentally she goes from being like. kind of a misanthropic loner to being like. she basically simultaneously views cadaver as an ideal that shes jealous of (bc he has the one thing she wants, and bc she feels a sort of connection w it bc they have like.. similar but different motivations. yk...). and if the only person youve ever felt any sort of similarity to is a corpse possessed by ambiguous force i dont think youre like . you know ...
cadaver: so this is soo fun bc ive actually been considering having cadaver a bit more monstrous like. physically. bc obviously shes not human anymore BUT i think itd be fun if the possession had some physical effects on him... currently he just has the extreme healing/resurrection abilities but id imagine hed probably have some sort of enhanced strength as well. and i just love when possession has a physical component... but yes. EMOTIONALLY i think cadaver is weirdly in denial abt being a monster. like. i think she views the original part of her the one that died as like. the monstrous one. it feels more human now that its possessed bc prior to her death she was like. Somewhat similar to scientist in that she was very isolated but it was less of a choice if this makes sense. like scientist consciously isolates herself from ppl bc she just Assumes that they arent like. sorry im turning this into being about scientist again DJFNJF cadaver go lay at the bottom of the pool or something im busy. but yk she has that like. a view of herself thats seperate from other people/from humanity so she just doesnt bother talking to other people bc she assumes they would never understand. yk. so it is A choice to isolate from ppl (altho she also like..does not have social skills at all. as a result of this choice. so yk...) but w cadaver cadaver was alllways desperate for connection but in a like. rather than searching for One specific like. Unattainable kind of connection he wanted anything. and thats why she was so enthusiastic abt the connection bc it meant there would always be like. Someone. yk. and obv post connection shes a lot more like. confident and Able to make friends despite being physically more disconnected from humanity if this makes sense. so yes. i think cadaver is Literally more monstrous than scientist but i dont think thats how he feels abt himself at all.
link to ask game!
#i hope this makes sense i rambled so bad i love thinking abt like. their views of themselves. yk..#the parallels between predeath cadaver and scientist r rly rly fascinating to me which is funny bc I made them up DJFNFJFN but like.#bc w scientist like. her motivation for immortality is bc she wants to know Everything. she wants to transcend like. humanity and she wants#fully seperate herself from the human part of herself that shes always hated. which is the part that Wants connection and wants to feel#understood. she basically wants to be a robot or a god or something like that. yk. a part of her wants to remain human and the rest of her#Hates that part. yk. whereas w cadaver her immortality motivation was kind of like. tbh the immortality was a side effect NDNFJFNF he was#just like Ooh boy a thing who lives in my head who will intrinsically get me and never leave me and well be together forever. And bonus will#help me talk to people and everyone will love me and view me as a god. YAYYYY YAYYYY. and then the immortality is just kind of another bonus#bc w cadaver it just loves like. attention. and being seen in ANY way. so post death i think likeee. bc of its immortality other ppl tend to#revere it . yk. its personality is sort of magnetic despite the feeling of it judt being like. off. yk. i think that fulfills the need and#it kind of doesnt care that its like. they still dont actually understand him yk. hes still An other to them. she just views it as adoration#which is what it wants. you know. i think theres a partnof cadaver that still feels empty and longs for like. Genuine care#if this makes any sense at all. BUT YA IDK. THIS MAY MAKE NOOO SENSE AT ALL. the ramblerrr
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man i have really been thinking about worldbuilding and exposition in books recently
when i was like, i don’t know, twelve-ish, I picked up this book about a teenage girl in a spy school. and i absolutely fell in love with it - I thought it was incredibly neat how the book just seemed to drop me into the middle of the story, even starting in the girl’s second year. in fact, the main character frequently referenced events from her first year (falling in love with a civilian, things ending badly, finding secret passageways, losing her mother’s trust etc.)
and I actually really enjoyed the fact that the character had a rich and vibrant life outside of what i had read and that the book didn’t go out of its way to explain her past in flashbacks or anything. i understood the main takeaways and why she was reacting to things based on what i gleaned, and more than that i understood the growth of the character, why she was cautious in certain places but reckless in others, etc and i felt smarter for not being handed the answer on a silver platter
anyway it wasn’t until i finished the book and realized there was a sequel that i looked it up and found out that. in fact. i had started with the second book in the series.
oops.
#i will say i genuinely read the sequels and NEVER went back and read the first book#it genuinely felt like i understood the takeaways from reading the second book#it almost felt like i would be doing cammie a disservice by going backwards and undoing the progress she had made#anyway i just remember thinking about how cool it was that the author didn't go out of their way to explain exactly what happened#and yet i was able to understand what happened just by her reactions to this new guy#the oh. OH. of realizing she hadn't fallen in love with a civilian so much as fallen in love with the idea of civilian life#her life being made much more difficult from the loss of trust by her mother and teachers#kind of want to go back and reread it but i feel like reading ur childhood books again sets you up for disappointment#probably not the masterpiece i remember reading#but man it made so much sense bc of COURSE cammie wouldn't just like. give me info about how the world worked. her mum was headmaster.#ofc she knew how the spy world worked smh#so when they were like FUCK the secret passageways we used to sneak out are blocked off bc we got caught last year#we need to figure out either a) another way out of the school unseen or b) find more secret passageways#and i was like !!! yeah! of course! that makes total sense and adds an obstacle for the main character to get though!#and now i also know that cammie a) was sneaking out to see her boyfriend which means it was b) a secret worth hiding for some reason#idk that second book was the only bitch i respect
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One thing about me is that I love it when medias that have a princess who's locked up for years and years on end actually explore the miserable life she would have lived growing up alone and reading fairy tales that promised her a happy ending she never got
#raey spam#this is about tne song 'i know its today' from shrek the musical#like!!!! how she rips up all of her storybooks so that they're just happy endings in hopes that doing so will somehow#make her prince appear sooner#i think the main reason why i likw this so much is bc of how similar it is to growing up aroace#like everywhere you look there's love stories and everyone tells you there's no way to be happy without#a romantic partner#they all promise that one day you're going to find 'the one' but you never do#like. i love being aroace!! i do!! i know that not wanting a future like that is okay#but at the same time. i DO want a future like that. yk#when i first actually accepted that i was aromantic i wasn't happy bc i finally understood why romance was Like That for me#i was pissed. because same as everyone else i grew up surrounded by love songs and dating shows and id even had crushes as a child#i wasn't Supposed to be aro. i was supposed to grow up and live a happy life with someone else#i felt like accepting i was aro also meant accepting that i would never grow up to live a happy life#and i def dont feel like that anymore! but still.#anyways back to fiona: i also just really like it when deep down#characters know their fate is sealed.#they Know there's nothing they can so#but they convince themselves that there IS#my interpretation of fiona is that deep down she knows ripping the pages out of her stories isn't going to help#but hope and love prevail over everything right?#she has to believe that remaining hopeful and doing everything she can will reward her eventually#i hope this is coherent I can't really tell rn lol#other thinfs in the same vein i am fond of:#'when will my life begin' from tangled#'and many more' by quintessence#really any fic that expands on Alluka's childhood is very yummy to me#that's enough rambling for now
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Brain still soup but like. I think making one or both (or more!) characters involved in relationships with each other aromantic makes the dynamic soooooo much more compelling. Because if you remove romance as a motivator, you really get down to the nitty-gritty as to WHY that character is seeking out/involved in those relationships in the first place. Whether that relationship involves romantic factors or is more of a queer platonic thing. Much to think about....
#like i WANNA give examples but also it's always so difficult for me to parse it out too#but sharena being someone who longs for love but can never quite grasp it for herself is sooo real to me#while maintaining her harem like. how she still seeks out these relationships anyway. BECAUSE she wants it so bad#because she can't quite grasp it fully herself.#also veronica taking one look at sharena and not even fully able to grasp it herself. and going 'sharena clearly doesn't know what love is'#recognition of the self through the other (derogatory)#also this is something i'm exploring aaaall the fucking time w moe/alfonse.#juries still out on if i hc alfonse as any flavor of aro (i do think it'd be funny/if he was i think he'd be demi)#but like. w moe being 2 for 2 demiro/sexual. you might think that would make things easier?#but no. bc it's also extremely romance repulsed. as much as it wants to spread love and cheer. it is a hater. fervently.#and then there are cases like lif/thrasir that read as a qpr to me. only having each other in this deep intimate way#that's devoid of any romance/sexuality.#BUT IT'S ABOUT THE OBSESSION. going back to moe. IT'S ABOUT ACCIDENTALLY BECOMING THE SAME PERSON#which i think happens to a degree w moe and ABSOLUTELY happens/happened w sharena/peony#it's also about asking what does this character WANT. what is the core of their desire#is it to fill an aching absence? is it to feel safe? to feel understood? to feel loved?#when your entire life you've felt you've been loved wrong/were unable to love correctly?#is it friendship? is it sexuality? esppp in the case of aro/allos!!!! like!!!! that happens!!!!!#and ofc! you have your aros who just don't. and that's okay!#but i never want being aromantic to be like. an easy way to write off a character who 'gets in the way'#or rewrite something you didn't like in canon. like. there are ways to do that second part#without doing the same shit i see people do w autistic people. writing off a character#or a hc in the most abliest way fucking possible. it's egregious.
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taehyung has officially equalled (?) zayn in my head/heart/soul with layover (...kinda). it holds the same power over me as icarus falls, and it garners the same reactions from me as zayn's mere voice does and like i be discovering newer things at every single listen. i'm like. actually truly in love with two men. omg.
#mixed feelings#cuz i'd thought#it'd always be only zayn for me#with him it was LOVE#like the first time i understood what ppl meant when they said someone's#music saved them#and it was zayn that made me feel that#like taehyung hasn't done that yet#but like#layover is just#such a comfort#and so#love-like#i feel so much#and so good#and this does make me realise that maybe taehyung is still like just a lil bit like just slightly less than zayn for that reason#but ofc i don't want to feel that w him too#bc i don't wanna suffer again lolobv#esp not like that#like it wasn't v bad compared to shit ppl go thru#but yea still#sooooo#zayn#malik#zayn malik#kim taehyung#v#bts v#taehyung#they different
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baldies gate is very difficult
#its so confusing LMAO at least for me who knows next to nothing abt dnd#i dont understand how spells work and im getting stressed bc idk if quests rlly disappear if i dont complete them fast enough#but also i read that once you beat the main story its joever so maybe i should explore more but i feel like my character is wasting time#and is gonna die the next second if i dont progress the main story ⚰️ the green lady is doing a great job hammering that into my brain#anyway i cant take screenshots of my character bc my tv has fucked up colors and i made the character and guardian based on them#so when i look at a screenshot on the ps app and the colors are different im like '........ that is not my beautiful boy!!!!!'#like it rlly bothers me. anyway i chose a bard of course. very basic and again idk how to play so its all a mess hdjdjdjd#im hoping i figure it out soon bc it is such a cool game. just wish i understood anything </3#i love my character tho im very invested in his story. maybe i shouldve made my first character the 'goody two shoes' type#to make it easier LMAO#but as ive said before i rlly need to get myself out of my comfort zone when it comes to games#i didnt wanna just breeze past the game but actually consider my decisions. turns out its exhausting lmaooo#anyway sorry im rambling i like the game but im just dumb and stress out over things that dont matter way too easily
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no song will ever make me feel the way she does btw.
#just a very very personal sort of comfort and like ?? understanding? straight to my core .. so soothing#since the first time i listened and until now … i just don’t know how to articulate what i feel for this song and what it makes me feel#comfort doesn’t even begin to scratch the surface because it’s like . IDK!!!!!#woozi peered deep into my soul and spent years working to understand me and then put that knowledge together to form pinwheel#that’s just what it is!#nearly 5 years of pinwheel calming me n soothing my heart n just.#a good way to put it is that pinwheel finds a way to quiet the noise n worry inside my head bc i feel very understood#pinwheel is like if hearing ‘it’s all gonna be okay’ from anyone ever actually reassured or worked to make me feel better#that’s how i imagine it would feel :]#anyway a love letter from me to pinwheel. a love letter from me to jihoon#will always be so thankful to him for bringing this song to life cause it’s done a lot for me over the years
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Nervous giggles
Even more nervous giggles
There are so many professional paintings here, so many technically advanced, highly impressive works, and I'm just like [slaps some crayons down] y- yeehaw,,
I'm keeping the Escape Motions site Exciting. keeping it Interesting and Ridiculously Colorful
#pikaposts#alo(e) art#someone commented on False Moon telling me they love my style bc it's 'very cheery!'#it's still so baffling to me that expressing my horrors is always interpreted as whimsical joyful fun#i like to say that's neat! that's it's so nice i can make good things from the bad! but i also#can't help but feel like i just speak a different language from everyone else and i'll never be able to translate well enough#to be properly understood. but i mean! it shouldn't Really matter. if i Really wanted to get my point across i could try to paint more like#munch. everyone understands the scream. a gaping mouth and a blood-red sky doesn't leave much room for contentment let alone joy.#my jellyfish painting is about the wonders of the ocean and False Moon doesn't seem that different! so idk why i'm always surprised#but aNYWAY.#i'm just bein a silly goose. the real point here is that the contest i entered is now in the judging phase and the results will#be posted May 10th... i'm gonna be running around in circles until then#i definitely don't Think i'll win but holy shit it'd be wild if i did. the prizes are art tablets i could never dream of affording#but even if i don't win i get a discount on all Escape Motions stuff in the future! so it'll be easier for me to upgrade to#Rebelle 6 <3 it has CLIPPING LAYERS and i want it so damn bad. the lack of clipping layers is my only issue w rebelle 5#bc i'm indecisive and especially when drawing characters i often do my lineart in brightly colored sections#of course that's not the only better thing abt rebelle 6-- it's got some other SUPER cool stuff#it's so fucking nice to be able to paint digitally and still have all the texture. hell yeah hell yeah#...sweet din i like to infodump when it comes to art huh. it IS one of the Most Important Things to me so i suppose that makes sense#tldr; painting. yippee!! [insert confetti cannon emoji here bc i'm on desktop rn]
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