#BUT YEAH MAKE NO MISTAKE his ass is codependent too

[twentyfivemiceinatrenchcoat]

Couldn't the opposite happen? Make Suguru codependent on you, while you remain independent?

WOULD SIMPLY NEVER HAPPEN but for the record we are both codependent lmao… i think a big reason suguru wants you codependent is actually because he knows he’s the same . neither of us can function without the other </3 but truly there is no timeline where i could remain independent in a relationship with him lmao he is . too set on changing that

[wendytestabrat]

yes, kyle WAS a dick in “you’re getting old/ass burgers”

ok i’m so tired of all the people who defend kyle in this episode with the same half-assed argument of “yeah ofc kyle didn’t wanna be around stan bc it can be hard to be around someone with depression!1!!1” like yes i agree with that and i can DEF understand why kyle didn’t wanna be around stan when he was depressed. it can be hard AF for me too to be around someone who’s negative and wants to mope around and be miserable all the time LOL. it’s one thing to be there for someone depressed bc they just experienced something rlly difficult and traumatic (bc i mean we ALL go through shitty times and get depressed at some point) like that’s just being a good friend imo, but it’s another thing to completely enable someone who just wants to be miserable and play the victim instead of trying to overcome their depression. in that case i aint gonna feel bad for u and i’m prob gonna wanna distance myself lol. so yeah it DEF was realistic and understandable why kyle didn’t wanna be around stan anymore bc it can be draining AF to be around someone THAT negative. however, what us kyle haters had an issue with is the HYPOCRISY from kyle lol. like rlly you’re saying KYLE BROFLOVSKI the absolute king of codependency and martyrdom doesn’t wanna be around stan bc he “can’t save him” and is “bumming him out” like ok sure jan lol. and what i rlly have a problem with is kyle saying he doesn’t wanna be around stan but then has no problem hanging out with cartman instead lol. like um cartman is wayyy more toxic and annoying to be around than stan. so you don’t wanna be around or help someone with depression, but you’re fine being around and helping someone who’s a racist murderer????? (and literally the same person who gave u aids) make it make sense LOL. THAT’S why kyle seemed fake af and a shitass friend to stan in these episodes lol. it just seemed like kyle was looking for an excuse or waiting for his opportunity to dump stan as a friend to hang out with cartman and wanted to do that for a long time but never had a valid enough reason to before without it looking sus on his end. bc we didn’t even see kyle make any effort whatsoever to get through to stan, it’s like the MINUTE he found out there was a problem with stan he was like BYE. i hate that shit, kyle is like that one friend who just waits for you to screw up or make one tiny mistake so they can stab you in the back and abandon you lol, yet is fine hanging out with other friends who act wayyy more toxic who do worse shit. not to mention kyle himself is negative and whines 24/7…so i mean LOL. that’s a HUGE red flag to me is if a friend only wants you to be perfect or only likes being around you during the happy times, but the moment something goes wrong in your life they aren’t there. THAT’S how you know a “friend” is just using you. it just seemed like kyle was holding stan up to this impossibly unfair standard that he aint holding cartman up to lol, so OFC he would dump stan once he realized there’s no use for him in his life anymore.

[bonesandthebees]

[The Pythia winced, while Tommy cursed under his breath. Shit.] Appropriate reaction since Phil is immediately on their asses. And by their I mean mostly Tommy’s.

And Phil has every right to be angry. We’ve been says that they should have told him since that chapter came out. The main reason they didn’t was because Phil was already mad at Tommy. And maybe a little bit of Tommy not wanting to admit that he was wrong and he took a risk he shouldn’t have and he messed up.

Tommy is damn guilty though, which kinda makes it worse because it means he clearly knows it’s wrong, but still chose to lie anyway. Also, this is where the codependency really comes in for the kicker because Tommy is seeking comfort in Wilbur and continues to do so through the rest of the chapter.

[“It was my fault,” the Pythia cut in.] - Wilbur, chapter 24 vs. [“It’s not his fault!” Tommy jumped in,] - Tommy, chapter 22. Direct parallel of them trying to protect each other. I expected it to be a parallel to chapter 17, but Wilbur never really gets the blame there. Phil knows full well it was Tommy, as he does now.

The fact that Wilbur was the one who bumped into Foolish doesn’t matter because it wouldn’t have happened if Tommy hadn’t taken him out in the first place (or let him walk around alone for that matter). What matter’s was that Phil was mad about Tommy risking their safety and he specifically asked if he was followed AND TOMMY LIED.

(Wilbur tendency for taking blame for things that aren’t really his fault or in his control is also there, but this isn’t about that.)

Wilbur trying to defend Tommy doesn’t actually save him, it just puts both of them under fire. [“I thought you at least would’ve had the sense to bring that up!”] I think it’s the first time Wilbur has (ever) gotten and accusation from Phil. And this one hurts because I’m pretty sure Phil points out that Wilbur isn’t as ‘dumb’ as Tommy in chapter 17, but now that’s nul and void because both of them lied.

All Wilbur was trying to do was protect Tommy. He didn’t want Phil to get angrier, but now he’s also lost a part of the trust he had gained. And this is the point where Phil might realise that their relationship is a little bit unhealthy, because protecting Tommy outweighed common sense.

We won’t get to know though (at least not until this gets brought back up, because it will) since Techno cuts Phil of because this is not the time to get hung up on this. They can do that at home.

(3/4)

-🌲

this was always going to come back to bite them both in the ass. tommy lied when he really shouldn't have. they could've gotten away with it, but they didn't. actions have consequences. tommy withheld a really vital piece of information from phil just because he didn't want to get in trouble, and wilbur helped him hide that info. it was dumb, but a mistake. but phil also knows mistakes like that are how you get killed.

the codependency,,, they're so protective of each other

wilbur tries his best to get the blame off of tommy, but he knows that's not what phil is actually mad about. of course they could've bumped into someone. phil's not pissed that something like that happened. it was kind of inevitable. but he's pissed that tommy lied. and wilbur jumping into try and get the blame off of tommy just makes things worse, because it reminds phil that wilbur lied too.

and yeah, this is a tip off point for phil. sure, wilbur's older and a lot more responsible than tommy, but he's going to make stupid choices to protect tommy, even when it puts both their safety at risk. even when he knows better.

[botheringlevi]

I asked my friend for a question and with an admirable determination to punish me she requested:

Team Edward or Team Jacob?

I'll throw in my own- what's something about yourself that you genuinely like? Not something you do, especially for others.

I didn't think I'd run into you today. Not that I'm avoiding you... I've been trying to spend more time outside as the weather has been giving us a break. The holidays were... Well, they were fine. I do keep catch myself daydreaming of spring.

Ah, I was wondering if you'd want to take the time to talk when you're free. About our excursion, and... [pause, a blush creeping up my neck] About what happened. That's all. [an awkward escape]

[Admin, I kept posting these anonymously by mistake. We'll say it's because I was being cool and mysterious. I hope these aren't too frequent, they've been a nice little escape. I'm the lizard owner lol]

[Previous ask]

*Stares* I hate that piece of shit series. All it is, is shitty mormon propaganda and a garbage example of shitty toxic relationships for brats who won't know any better. Mostly girls. If it didn’t exist, the world would be a better place.

If you can't live without your significant other... *Disgusted* ...you don't have a relationship. You're in prison, and you don't even know it.

How the hell do you explain away being kissed without consent as a way to "convince" someone to reconsider dating you. All that scene was, was garbage drama. There are about a million other ways to have done it while making it less of an assault on my eyes. Much less—a group of age-old vampires just happen to go to the local high school as a hobby? Fucking creepy. *Crosses arms* To say nothing of the actual romance. You know who should have gotten their own story? Rosalie. At least she was remotely interesting.

Tch, and I hate the whole melodramatic mopey schtick. I get that the girl is pretty much a blank slate, but that doesn't work even in *Curls lip* fanfiction, and it doesn't work in a blockbuster film. In the books, she had more character, and that still isn't saying much.

Edward is a mopey pathetic idiot. To "protect her", he leaves this girl who clearly has codependency issues, just like him. Here's an idea: as someone who's over a hundred years old, don't fool around with a teenager. It's just as possible that that would've ended in her death somehow, anyway.

*Glares* Besides the dozen glaring plot holes I could name off the top of my head, he was scared of fucking her because it would break her, right? Who cares about that when he’s supposed to be cold? No blood flow, either... *Scoffs* Nevermind…

Compared to that guy, at least Bella and Jacob's relationship had an organic start and progression. *Firmly* The sexual assault scene did him no favors, and neither did staking claim on her unborn brat, but even he had more redeeming qualities than the other guy.

So which one would I choose? *Presses lips* Alice.

*Huffs…*

...

*Furrows brow* ...

…My fighting ability.

…Yeah. Suddenly the weather's turned a lot nicer lately. It snowed the other day, but I didn't freeze my ass off outside. We're still on leave, but the weather held so that most of my squad could go out riding. Jean still has his mom.

*Grunts* You're waiting for spring. I'm the same way.

*Jaw works, looks away* Don't be stupid. I'm free to talk to you no matter what. But if that's what you want, we'll have that conversation later.

[babybatscreationsv2]

A King on a Leash ch5

Marvel | Starker

Tony Stark is a powerful man with a beautiful husband and a loyal crime  family, but it looks like he didn't keep his husband on a short enough  leash. After turning Peter lose on a Cuban gang leader, Peter's life is  in danger. The real trouble is that Tony now realizes that Peter is the  only thing in this world that he cares about and he never meant for that  to happen.

Sequel to A Doll on a String

Rating: Explicit

Full Fic

A Doll on a String

Warnings under the cut*

Warnings: murder mention

"We are officially married," Peter said. His skinny fingers traced patterns on Tony's arm. He'd taken to getting manicures, which he made Tony get as well, though he kept his nails quite short to avoid breaking them. His nails were shiny and beautiful. Tony supposed his must be, too, but he thought it suited the dainty quality of Peter's more slender hands.

"The last year didn't count?" Tony asked. He was so warm with Peter laying back against his chest. All he could smell was the natural oil of his hair. He could stay like that the rest of the day and he wouldn't complain.

"It did, but now it's officially official."

"Because why, exactly?"

"Because we had sex and no one even got off and it was still nice. Lazy, afternoon, love making, with no agenda is on the list of married people things."

Tony smiled. He'd like to make a habit of it. Stuffing himself into Peter's ass and then sleeping that way. "It's not too late for someone to get off."

"No, it is. I'm not horny anymore. I'm just happy."

"Me, too. Do we have to say our vows now or...?"

Peter laughed. "You can profess your love to me if you want. I don't mind."

Tony hugged him tighter to his chest and kissed the top of his. "Peter Benjamin Parker-Stark, I love you more than life, money, or power. I am completely whipped. Your slave in the bedroom and out-"

Peter turned around, laughing, and kissed him. "It's cute that you think you're joking."

Tony soaked in the sight of his smile and his shinning eyes. "I wouldn't lie about a thing like that."

Peter went to say something, but Tony's cell phone rang, cutting him off. Tony kissed his forehead. "Sorry, baby."

He picked it up from the nightstand. Happy.

"What's up, Hap?"

"I've got everything lined up for the weekend, but we've gotta talk about the security situation on your end. Do you really want to go in with only two guards?"

Tony sighed. How many times did they need to have this conversation? "You know we don't take men into the meeting, Hap. It doesn't matter how many people I have waiting outside the door."

Peter kissed his cheek. He slipped out of his arms and out of bed. Watching him walk away, Tony almost missed what Happy said. Fuck, that tiny little waist. Fucking perfect ass. He had a bruise on his hip that Tony could remember the exact moment he had held him hard enough to put it there.

"-heard some stuff about Toomes," Happy was saying as he tuned back in. "If I can't be there, I want more men watching your back."

"The more men I have on me, the more opportunities we have for betrayal. I'll take only the best, the ones you trust the most. I'm counting on you to look after Peter."

Happy sighed. "Yeah, I thought you'd say that. What about Rhodes?"

"It'll look suspicious if I bring a Capo with me. Now, I do have a real job for you."

"What's up boss?"

Tony looked toward the door. He couldn't be sure that Peter wasn't eavesdropping, though if he'd wanted to then he could have just stayed in the room. He didn't want to worry him.

"I need you to find out what you can about Suarez. Does he have family, partners, enemies? How many people did we piss off and who should be kissing our asses?"

"Should I be worried?"

"Just dig up what you can, but don't side line Peter's security this weekend. Suarez comes second."

"You got it, boss."

"Thanks, Hap."

Tony climbed out of bed. He followed the smell of garlic and basil downstairs to the kitchen. He rounded the corner and found his husband, dressed in one of Tony's band T's and nothing else. He stood at the stove, stirring a pot. When he heard Tony in the doorway, he turned and smiled.

"Spaghetti night!" he called.

"Sounds perfect, angel." He stood, watching him work, thoughts swirling around his head. How did he protect this life they had? What more could he do? Once Happy provided them more information he could come up with a plan. Natasha would be a vital asset in tearing down anyone who might be dangerous.

She was the only one of his Capos who focused less on the money, the schemes, and more on the artistry of it all. She liked to strategize, infiltrate. Tony provided her the opportunities. Aside from being an old friend, that was why she joined the family. And why she stayed. They worked hard to keep her identity a secret.

"I know the view is incredible, but I could use a hand you know," Peter said. He had this way of smirking that was far too playful to ever be cocky.

Tony joined him at the stove and gave him a kiss. Then he grabbed the supplies Peter had set out on the counter and started preparing the meat balls. Peter chatted to him about his day as they worked.

"There's been a lot of drama lately," he started. "We're doing Cinderella next and of course Gwen in Cinderella. She's been Cinderella since we were kids. Only Tiffany is determined that she should be Cinderella all of a sudden."

Tony couldn't care less about the backstage drama of ballet, but it mattered to Peter so he listened and he didn't miss a word.

"How does Gwen feel about the great Cinderella debate?"

"Honestly, I don't think it ever occurred to either one of us that anyone else would be Cinderella. It makes sense, I guess. Sometimes we ought to share the spotlight. Still, everyone has their roles. It makes preparing for a new performance a lot easier if we don't mix it up."

"Since when do you like things easy?"

Peter smiled at him, eyes a bit surprised. "You're right. We should switch it up. And ya know? I'll step down as the prince and Gwen and Tiffany can sort out who's gonna be who."

"Won't that be controversial with the donors," Tony chuckled.

Peter fake gasped. "Mr. Stark, are you homophobic?"

"Terribly. I won't have any homophones in this house."

"Am I pregnant? Because I think that was a dad joke." Peter wrinkled his nose.

"Should I be worried?"

"Better start painting the nursery," Peter teased.

They had talked about kids a while back and whether or not they might want one. Peter was certain that he didn't. Tony couldn't stand the idea of ending up like his father. Besides, he had enough to worry about when it came to Peter's safety. For sanity's sake, he was happy never having children.

"What did Happy call about?"

Tony didn't flinch, so used to lying. He avoided lying to Peter as much as possible, but this wasn’t something he needed to worry over.

"He was just double checking the security situation for this week. He wants me to take more guards in." He tucked the meatballs into the oven.

"And you won't, of course," Peter smiled fondly.

"Who wants to be the guy who brings an army to dinner?" Tony laughed, drying his clean hands with a towel.

Peter abandoned his noodles to put his hand on Tony's cheek. "I want you to be the guy who comes home to his husband." He turned away again with a sad smiled to drain the pasta.

"You don't have to worry about me, angel. It's only a meeting. Just an annual check up."

"They're still mad about Octavius," he said. Tony watched him pour the water out, sad little frown on his lips.

"Toomes doesn't want to let it go, but Fisk is on our side," he assured him. Peter turned away from, setting the pasta aside.

"And what kind of war will we be in if he convinces Martin Li to take his side?"

Tony wrapped his arms around him. "Are you scared, angel?"

Peter caught one his hands and pressed his fingers to his lips. "Not as long as you're here. I'm only scared when you're gone."

"I'm never gone, my angel. You and me, we're so entwined. You are the greatest extension of myself, the best part of me."

Peter turned in his arms and placed his hands around his neck. "How did we get so tangled up?"

"It was just meant to be, sweetheart."

Peter pressed up to give him a kiss. The heat of his mouth traveled through him and craved more. He pinned him back against the counter, held in his arms. Their lips moved together, the sharp smacking, sucking, sounds of their mouths louder than the sizzling in the oven. Tony kissed him until they couldn't breathe. Then he pressed his lips to Peter's neck. He moaned, pressing against him, as Tony sucked a deep mark into his skin.

"More," he breathed.

Tony held him tighter, fingers digging bruises into his skin. He sucked another mark into his throat, right in the front where there was no mistaking it. Peter sighed happily.

"Again," he giggled. Tony laughed, too, but his lips left his neck to reclaim his lips. He didn't let him go until the smell coming from the oven threatened them with burnt meatballs.

----------

Agony. It was dramatic and codependent, he knew, but that didn't make it any less painful as they parted ways. Technically speaking, they would only be an hour's drive apart, but it felt like so much more. He hoped it would be good for him in the long run. They needed some distance. They spent so much of their time wrapped up in each other. Tony couldn't afford to forget who he was.

The rules of their yearly meeting were that it had to be on neutral ground. Which was the only reason none of them had put any money into what was easily their favorite hotel. None of them owned a square inch of the place or any of the people inside it. So it was safe to assume that there wouldn't be any surprises.

Tony never made a reservation. He didn't want anyone to know which room he would be in until he was in it. Being Tony Stark, of course, they made sure he had one of their luxury suites whether or not there was one available. He didn't have to own the place to gain that kind of privilege. It was the sort of thing he took for granted and that Peter would have appreciated more.

The room wasn't much smaller than his old condo. It felt oddly empty. Tony made himself at home on the couch, trying to fill the space. Four guards joined him in the living space. A fifth walked the line of windows, checking rooftops. He killed time before the meeting by sharing an anecdote with his men. Their laughter helped him settled, helped him feel more in control. Then it was time to freshen up and meet the others in the meeting room.

Tony's suit was navy blue with a yellow and gray stripped tie that demanded attention. A tie Peter had picked out for him the last time they went shopping. He said he needed more than black in his wardrobe. Which is how the blue suit ended up in his closet. Not that Tony didn't own anything colored, but when he was in 'Boss' mode, it was black on black. This meeting was different from his normal work though, so it demanded different attire.

He wasn't the first person to enter the room. Fisk was there already waiting. Once upon a time, he'd believed in always being the last man at the meeting. Until Vanessa had asked him to change that. She said that while the last man may have style, he's also the last to know if there's danger. The first one in could lay a trap for the others.

"Wilson," Tony greeted. He received a smile that was more confidence than greeting.

"Tony," he answered. "I'm glad you're here before the others. I wanted to thank you."

Tony took his seat. His guards were left outside the door where they pretend to be indifferent to Fisk's own men. He knew they talked once the door was shut.

"There's no need. I can hope you would do the same for me."

Fisk nodded. Then he sighed. "Cherish him, Tony. There may come a time when these memories are all you have left."

"If Adrian has his way, that's exactly what will happen."

Fisk waved his hand. "Ever since you gave up the weapons trade, Toomes has been too big for his britches. His designs grow more complex, more dangerous. One day, he will blow himself up and we will be free of his temper." The man chuckled, Tony smiled.

"Hopefully soon," he said. That made Fisk laugh.

The door opened and in walked Martin Li. As always, his suit was white, but trimmed in black in a way that created an almost cartoonish effect.

"Fisk, Stark," he greeted. Tony noted how he made a point to meet both of their eyes. He wondered if Toomes was getting to him. Li had once been Fisk's apprentice. Once, that had meant a lot to him, but Tony wasn't sure it would be enough if Toomes brought up Octavius again.

Toomes arrived soon after. He greeted Fisk and Li, only acknowledging Tony once he had sat down.

"Now that we're all here-" Fisk started.

"Sure, all," Toomes sneered.

Fisk ignored him. "I want to cut to the chase. We have always been five strong. I don't believe it would be wise to change that now. Octavius trusted no one and so left no one to replace him, yet, there is one option we might consider."

Tony was surprised. It made sense to bring someone else in, but he'd been so focused on how to keep Toomes at bay that he hadn't considered a nomination.

"Harry Osborn," Fisk proclaimed.

"Osborn?" Li asked. Tony was pleased that he seemed as taken aback as he felt.

"I know he isn't one of us, but his father had made preparations to step into the circle should we allow it."

Tony scoffed. "You mean, if he and Octavius succeed in killing me and you needed a chair filled."

"Harry Osborn is not his father. He's eager to prove himself and he's prepared to play by the rules."

"I think it's a great idea," Toomes said.

"You mean you want someone else at this table who hates me."

"Now what reason would little Harry have to hate you?" glared the man with the hideous hooked nose.

"He is quite young now that you mention it," Li said. "Practically a child."

Fisk shrugged. "I think he's the best choice. Especially if we each took the time to train him, help him get his feet on the ground. We could give him a trial period and if it doesn't work out, we'll feed him to the wolves."

"Seems like a lot of effort just to have five at the table," Li said.

"New York is a big city," Fisk countered.

"He has a point," Tony said. "If Osborn takes over Octavius's territory, it keeps us from spreading too thin. Besides, we've been arguing for a year now over who gets which of Octavius's operations. Meanwhile his men run rampant doing as they please."

"Exactly," Fisk agreed.

"And how will we convince them to respect this privileged child who is nothing like them? We at least climbed our way to the top. They respect that we were once grunts ourselves," Li asked.

"He'll have to make his own way whether he establishes fear or respect," said Fisk.

Tony flinched. Harry and Peter had a history. If Harry became a boss, if he managed to successfully take over Octavius's territory... What would Peter think of Harry then? What would he think of Tony?

[iwantitiwriteit]

Slow Burn: Act I - Part 2

The Meet Cute - Part 2

Pairing: Chris Evans x Famous!Reader

Summary: You meet Chris Evans at a rooftop, industry party in New York, but will your awkwardness ruin the night?

Warnings: Profanity, Sexual connotations, fluff gone sour (?) Read on to know what I mean

Notes: Please check out the moodboard + music specially curated to go with this part! Read the previous part here.

Although you had a few lightweight drinks, not wanting to get too turnt in front of strangers, you’re not really sure how you ended up here: In the middle of the dance floor, spinning, stepping and outright getting down with Chris motherfucking Evans.

It may have started with your light buzz, then a declaration of “that’s my song!!!” on your behalf, then Chris following you like a wide eyed puppy.

A mellower song plays. Yours and Chris’ energy comes down some, chemistry lingering. You simultaneously notice you’re holding hands and become all too aware of yourselves. Meaningless “ums” and “uhs” fill the air until you excuse yourself to the restroom, but not before you exchange shy smiles with Chris.

You freshen up in the mirror and take a moment to reflect on the night, on meeting Chris, with his tall, muscular frame, genuine smile, heart warming laugh, and blue eyes you could just drown in… Get a grip, SIS! You’re supposed to be meeting industry professionals, not fawning over snackable superheroes, no matter how charming. What time is it even…?

Pawing at your person for a sign of your phone, you realize you might have left it at the bar. Ugh, I hope no one took it. Who am I kidding? Rich people don’t steal phones… right?

You hurriedly rush out of the bathroom, but stop short at the sight of a boyish-looking Chris, hands tucked in his pockets. For the second time tonight, you both take a moment to take each other in. You don’t realize it, but you hold your breath as his eyes scan your hair, your eyes…her nose, her lips, her skin—

“You found it!”

“Huh?”

“My phone! Thank God! I don’t know what I’d do without it!” You say as you point to the black, sparkly device poking out of his pocket. It only became visible when Chris subconsciously went to rub his beard, under a trance at the sight of you. 

“Yeah, the bartender found it. I told her I’d give it to you.”

You go to retrieve it from his pocket, but stop short again, reminding yourself you shouldn’t be that handsy with him. He takes that as a cue, and returns the phone to its rightful owner.

You check the time. 1:39 am. Yeesh.

“I know, right?” It must’ve shown on your face. “I didn’t even notice half the party cleared out,” he says while looking at you sheepishly, rubbing the back of his neck.

You chuckle lightly as you take in your surroundings for the first time in God knows how many hours. Had I really lost track of time, giggling with him all night? Yes sis, you did.

Tens of people are scattered about, trash is being cleaned up, and some of the younger staff are taking advantage of the photo-op area. Meanwhile, Chris is rambling about something, cutely at that, but you don’t tune in until he asks, “Do you?”

“Do I…”

He chuckles and says, “Have a place to stay in Boston yet? I always wait until the last minute to find a place when I’m filming out of town.”

You cock your brow. “Are you offering?”

“Ha! No ma’am! I enjoy my bachelor’s pad how it is. Just me and my best boy, Dodger.”

“Is that so?” 

“Mmhmm, just a pair of dysfunctional, male codependents.”

“So, it’s a no girls allowed ordeal?”

“No, it’s just--”

“A different girl every night, and they’re on their merry way by morning?”

“No--”

“Oh, so--”

“WILL YOU LET ME TALK?! Jeez woman...” You both giggle at your antics and his feigned frustration. He rakes a hand through his hair before he begins again, but you attempt to cut him off one last time for fun. “Wow, ok!” He makes like he’s going to walk away, but you catch him by the wrist to keep him in place.

“Wait, no, I’m sorry!” You say between laughs and tugs on his arm. “Look, I’ll zip it,” Chris turns to you as you mime zipping and locking your lips. He puts his free hand out, not wanting to lose this physical contact with you, motioning for the imaginary key. You oblige. 

“Thank you, and for good measure...” he tucks the “key” in his pocket. You’re admiring the deep, rich tone of his voice when he gently places his hand over your mouth, his other hand still in your hold. Your brain is short-circuiting and your heart is skipping several beats.

“I was going to say,” wow, your eyes are just... wow.  “It’s more like a different girl every other night, gone by dawn.” 

You scoff and swat his hand away from your mouth, and now you both laugh at his antics. “I’m kidding, I’m kidding,” he quickly reassures, as if you couldn’t tell it was a joke. 

“No, I just really value my space, ya know? Not that I don’t appreciate guests, because I really do! You should see me; I host a WICKED game night.”

“Oh, I bet.”

“I just have to be... never mind. That’s more than what you asked for.”

“No, no, what is it? You can tell me.”

“I guess, I just have to be… selective, about who I invite into my--”

“Game night?”

“You’re quite the smart ass, huh?” You smirk and shrug, but it’s true: you love to crack jokes-- good or bad, for better or for worse-- especially with people you’re comfortable with. We’re not that comfortable, though. We just met.

“I get it, though, truly. Especially in this line of work,” You pause for a moment, fiddling with your fingers before you ask, “Don’t you ever feel like you can’t tell someone’s intentions? Like, you can’t tell if someone wants to be around you for you or... for what they think they’ll get in return. It’s just easier to stay in your own, comfortable bubble sometimes. I don’t know…”

The way you asked made Chris think you were looking for some words of advice more than agreement. “Well, sussing out someone’s intentions is difficult, but gets easier with experience. And not just experience with dealing with a bunch of slimes balls, but experience in listening, trusting your gut when it talks to you.” He gives you a warm smile, and you give a half one back, the thoughts of your very recent past preventing your smile from being full, bright, the way Chris came to know it tonight. In that moment, he found himself missing it.

Sensing the heaviness, Chris changes the subject, “So, uh… have any plans after this?” 

“At damn near 2 am?”

”Clearly you’ve never hung out in New York because this is considered too early to go home. This city never sleeps, ya’know? ‘S how it got the nickname.”

“No, I didn’t know that! Thanks for the tip.”

“Yeah, yeah of course, anytime.” The sarcastic back-and-forth leave you two smiling and gazing in each other’s eyes. Why do we keep doing this?

You clear your throat, “But, uh, no… well yes. Heading back to the hotel to get some Z’s. Gonna be at iHeartRadio tomorrow for a show, and I have to be alert for it.” You serve an overexaggerated focus face, to which he laughs at.

“Well, you could always have coffee.”

“Mm-mm, nope, no coffee for me. I’m still hoping to grow a few more inches.”

He sizes you up, “I don’t know, I think you’re just about done sprouting, Kid.”

“What did I say about calling me that?”

He drops his head a little and pouts his lip like a sad puppy, “Only Mackie can call you that...”

“Right! Don't make me tell you again. There won’t be a third time. Just, a consequence I have not thought of yet.” He lightly laughs as you continue, “Anyways, it’s an acoustic set, and I need real energy, real focus, ‘cos I feel like mistakes are far more noticeable when it’s stripped back, and I gotta be all here for it,” you tap your temple.

He nods, “Not only a smart ass, but quite the critic, too? Dangerous combination.” You shrug again. What can you say? You’re particular when it comes to music. “An acoustic set though— should be awesome! Who’s playing?”

...uuuummmm…  You start and stop your reply a couple of times, before awkwardly laughing. Maybe he’s just messing with me… “It’s a secret,” you say with a wink.

“Hey! Kid, Captain Little Ass! I’ve been texting both of you! Come over here for a picture!” Mackie’s booming voice bursts your bubble, and the two of you make your way over. Scott, Ansel, Jaden, and a few other people who you probably should’ve met tonight are huddled in conversation. Mackie approaches you with his phone.

“You mind snapping a few pics of me and the boys? We’ll do a couple poses and then I wanna get you in there.” 

“Oh, it would be my utmost pleasure to snap some ‘pics’ of you and ‘the boys’.” 

While they sort out their poses, you make with unlocking Mackie’s phone. It opens to Mackie’s and Chris’ text chain, and what you see sinks your heart a little bit. Well, damn. 

“Hey Kid, we’re ready,” Chris says with a smirk that quickly dissipates when you unintentionally scowl at him, stewing in your thoughts. He thinks it’s because you really don’t like the nickname, but boy is he so wrong.

Anthony was insistent on getting you in a picture, no matter how many times you declined saying you weren’t “picture ready”, when really you were too annoyed to prolong this night any longer. He waved over one of the gawking busboys, no doubt in awe of being in the same room as Shmaptin Shmerica.

As you handed the busboy the phone, he whispered he was a “big fan”, Oh. Really?, and “couldn’t believe” he was meeting you. You thanked him with a kind smile and offered to get a picture with him afterwards, Chris watching the endearing interaction. I’ll have to ask her what she’s been in so I can watch it.

Chris watched you as you scanned the group for a good spot to fit in, then go in the opposite direction of where he stood. After a few snaps, Chris yells, “EVERYBODY: NEW SPOTS, NEW POSE!!” Everyone scurries around, but you being stubborn, stay put. He inevitably finds his way to you, but you ignore his presence.

A few more pictures are taken. Everyone’s smiling their Hollywood smiles, but then there’s you on the end, just mean mugging. On the last picture, Chris puts his arm around your shoulders. The nerve, the GALL, the cologne… no, NO! Get it together! When the photos are done, you quickly go over to the busboy and make good on your promise of a picture with him. You can feel Chris’ eyes on you.

After a couple of selfies, Chris offers to take a picture for you both. When your fan is satisfied with the picture and gets back to work, Chris comes over to resume conversation with you, but you’re too in your head to hear him. You just see his plump, pink lips moving. Damn him and his good looks, and perfect lips and—

“How’s that sound?”

“How’s what sound?”

“Coffee— in Boston.”

“I’m sure there is some, but I thought y’all were more known for your tea parties.” He laughs and your breath is arrested by the beautiful sound, deepening your conflicted feelings. He seems so genuine, but the texts…

“I meant, when we’re both back in Boston, going out for coffee— with me?”

If he would text that, what does he want so badly to see me again for? *gasp* He must think I’m a quick fu— “Why?”

He’s taken aback by your curtness. What does she mean ‘why’? I thought we had a good time tonight, and I want to see her again… “Because ‘here’s to good company’, remember?” He recounts your toast from earlier in the evening, raising his hand to mime a glass in the air for emphasis. He lets his hand fall awkwardly at the sight of your unamused face.

“Good company, huh? Even for a ‘airheaded wannabe’?”

What is she talk… It hits him like a ton of bricks. 

It’s you. YOU are the musician girl Mackie and Scott wanted him to meet. YOU are the one playing the set tomorrow, and that’s why you have fans wanting pictures with you. But most of all, YOU had seen his blind judgments of you. FuuuuUUUUUUcccckkk.

“Shit. Listen, I—“

“Have to call it a night and get some rest. Wouldn’t want hot air to be the only thing coming out of my mouth tomorrow. Good night, Chris.” With that, you quickly brush past him, and walk over to say goodbyes to your co-stars. You all share your excitement for starting filming next week, and they wish you well on your show tomorrow.

You make your way to the elevator, but not before you look back for Chris, who’s nowhere to be found. You hoped you’d see his face, and there’d be a look in his eyes that would tell you that tonight wasn’t a waste, that he was as genuine as you’d read him to be and that you’d only read those texts wrong. 

But those blue eyes weren’t around for you to drown in. You figured he went somewhere to be pissed about his efforts coming up fruitless. No different than the rest.

Part 3

[thecreaturesblog]

Don't I look so,

pretty with,

that filter on, babe?

yes, no?

long days

and longer nights chillin in bed

alone, completely alone

completely stuck in my own head,

hey, at least you gotta fucking bed man,

i hate going to work

but when I get there,

it can be, amazing

i work tomorrow

gotta leave around

8, am,

then it's off to Bumble Town

that's right Honey, it's time for another vacation,

seems like a lot of em this year

shut the fuck up

dont pay attention

tripin when I walk

limpin when I talk

wait a minute, reverse that shit

you say you, need a man to make you smile

well baby, I think you're living your life, in denial

once upon a time,

Long ago,

I, I fell in love so hard,

so fast,

in one night, you know,

it was roughly, eleven years, ago

to a boy named Josh,

had that, charisma and a good flow

but his, mistreastment,

lead to a path,

so destructive,

always repeatin,

no change, like no seasons,

on me and on God,

I had to set us free, yeah

so what did she do?

she broke his heart, saying after every moment,

spent in love, after

having your back and shedding all of that blood,

I have to say to you,

baby, I'm not in love,

no more,

no mooorrrre,

won't let you break my shit

or get real hateful

call me a bitch and I'll see ya later

no more

loving those other girls,

on those nights I couldn't make it,

or the other ones where I was just in bed,

when I wasn't tryna give you any head,

and never

never

never again,

will you place your fist anywhere on my head,

or my body,

you will stay far, far away from me,

and one day, yes someday,

I'll watch my soul set itself free

Goodbye Joshua Alexander, I miss you all the time. I would honestly love to talk to you, see how you are. After six years, I've let a lot go, instead I held on just to remember, take no shit, from no man. But baby, you're ignoring me lately.. Like I ain't good enough, for the sweet ass time of Mr. Joshua... Huh? I'll always remember your smile, but also the face you make when you're angry, I hear your laugh, in my ears it rings, our matching tongue rings, that year long trip across the west side of this country, baby you will always belong to me, like a flame to a fire, you will dance you will move, just like I did to get away from you, we might be burning two separate things but baby we are the fire, we made eachothers flames. I hope you're still looking at those stars, cause I'm doing the same, and every once in a while you get on my brain, do I do the same? To you? Maybe someday, I'll see you again, and we could laugh about some of the mistakes. Remember all those nights in bed we laid. You held me every single day. And maybe we had codependency problems, but we were so in love, who cared if we solved em? You and me, together in the night, living for each and every day, we were up against this world, that had too much to say, about us. You hurt me deep, like bad, like it's taken years to get past, but I still miss you the same, I loved the way that you and only you could speak my name. Some people say love is fucked up but I think those people are just playing a game. We tried so hard to be real, that we both ended up fake, two troubled and lost souls, walked down an unmarked trail, hands together, voices the same, each of trying to take over what the other sayin.

Don't forget me, please, my Joshua. I'll always remember your name, your birthday, the thinga you liked and the ones that you'd hate. Take care of yourself, now and again. Stay safe.

And please, never forget, all of thw things, all the adventures, all the fights, all the talks, that took all night, the music, the car, chaco, or the shooting stars, the beach, Cheyenne, or Shane, Bones and the rest of our hippies hoppin from train to train, and Lord, don't forget to pray. I love you always and forever, maybe from a very far away place and maybe you spend to much time in the light, while in always stuck in this darknees, maybe the people round you ain't it, and now I got a place, I got a job, my shit's getting turned around, while you still playin, maybe you've got a new girl, but I don't gotta ask, and i don't mean to judge, but I know she'll never be me baby, but still my love it's still the same, as it was yesterday and everyday before that, till the day I met you, when you started by saying 'wow you are beautiful'

Nigga if things had gone different

I would have your last name

But things, things,

And people,

We all

Suddenly

Change

So float through the fires

To bring me your flame

With every star in the sky

My heart misses you again and again,

And I do sometimes, I do think of you,

Like we still got something,

Not even you,

Could take away

The moon she stays, to watch your way home for me,

And the sun he tells,

Me, that you have also changed,

Your health.. it truly,

Truly worries me,

I wish I was strong enough,

To carry you all the way,

I'm sorry I just couldnt make it,

I'm sorry some problems change,

But some will always remain.

[outlaws-of-anarchy]

Tainted Love (Chapter 3)

Pairings:  Tig Trager x Reader, Herman Kozik x Reader

Warnings:  Love triangle, swearing

Words: 2100

--

“You’re a doll, always bailin’ me out.” Tig said softly, brushing his lips across Y/N’s cheek.

She could only lean into his familiar touch, before giving his hand a gentle squeeze. “Yeah, I know. But you’re my favorite guy, so it’s only natural that I do.”  

“Come back to the clubhouse with me, I wanna make it up to you.” He said with a seductive growl.

Her lips slowly peeled back in a grin, knowing he always made good on his word. “I’ll meet you back there a little bit later, I got a few errands to run.”  

He hesitated briefly, a flash of concern lighting up in his eyes, but was soon brushed away. He straddled his chopper before landing a playful swat to Y/N’s ass. “Be safe babe, see ya later.” Tig revved his engine before taking off down the road.

It was one thing to “bail” Tig out of jail, but it was something else entirely to bail Kozik out. There was still so many things left unsaid to him, and in a sick way, she felt bad that he was locked up. Knowing, it was a majority of her fault. If he didn’t know her and Tig were a ‘thing’ than they would have never gotten into a fight.

Unser had been on SAMCRO’s payroll for many years, so it was easy to slip members in and out of their cells without too much speculation. However, Kozik wasn’t from Charming, and although he was a man of mayhem, he couldn’t be freed from jail without a hefty sum of bail money.

If she would have asked Jax for the money to do it, he would have without hesitation. They all saw one another as brothers, but she didn’t feel right going to the President of SAMCRO, asking for bail money to save her ex-boyfriend. Especially, if that meant Tig would find out.  

“It’s his first offense in this town, therefor the cost won’t be as much. However, if there is a repeat, he could face jail time or a larger fine.” Said one of the Deputy’s.  

Y/N merely nodded her head before handing her 800$ in cash, impatiently waiting for her to fetch Kozik.

☾ ☾ ☾ ☾

His anger had quickly faded the moment he was put in the back of a cruiser. However, the frustration, the betrayal still latched onto him like a leech. He never expected Y/N to wait around for him, but he also never thought she would move onto one of his own brothers. He especially never thought that Tig would submerge into a relationship with his ex, the woman who had been ole lady worthy.

“Kozik, your bail has been posted.” Said a guard.

“By who?” He replied curiously, but there was no response. Instead, the Deputy had unlocked the holding cell and allowed the outlaw to step out.

The time he had reached the lobby, he found Y/N sitting there, gaze directed to the window beside her. Rays of sunlight captured her in a golden halo, only enouncing her flawlessness. Did she bail him out? Why would she? Didn’t she hate him?  

His strides were slow, overly cautious as he approached her. The rattling of the chain that dangled from his jeans had caught her attention, eyes shooting to him almost immediately. In that moment, he froze, completely blown away by the woman he had left months ago. The woman he had tried desperately to forget but couldn’t. Who could ever forget a woman like her? No one, not even god himself.  

“Hey.” She greeted, eventually rising to her feet.

“Hey.” He repeated, carefully eying her with a questionable expression.

“Did you bail me out?” Kozik asked, hands shifting into the front pockets of his jeans.

He watched her run a hand through her hair tersely, it being one of her nervous ticks. He could spot it anywhere, but he also knew her better than anyone else. He knew she was unsure, and nervous about being around him. “Yeah, I did. I wanted to talk to you, we didn’t get to finish our conversation last night.” She said.

To say he was shocked, would be an understatement. He for sure thought she would just bail Tig out and continue on with life. So, to hear her say that she wanted to talk to him, made his hopes rise up. Hopes that she would take him back, hopes that they could start fresh.

☾ ☾ ☾ ☾

They stood feet apart, aimlessly walking down the main street of Charming’s quaint little center stone. It was a sunny morning, the heat of it pouring down on the back of their heads. She had said she wanted to talk, but for the last ten minutes all they had done was walk in silence. She couldn’t find the words she wanted to say to him, because his sudden reappearance had brought up old feelings, old love.

So, she started from the beginning. “When you left, you took a piece of my heart. A piece that you will forever own, and I hate to say that, to admit such weakness, but it’s true. I loved you in a way that terrified me, because I had never been so codependent on someone else before. I never needed or wanted someone so damn much, not like I did with you.”  

His blue eyes darted to her, comprehending everything she had to say.  

“But you were selfish, you only cared about yourself. You couldn’t handle a relationship, and while you lived in Tacoma, I had to patch myself up. I had to find a way to heal, and I did. I found Tig, and it wasn’t supposed to last as long as it did, but it has. While you own one half of my heart, he owns the other. You are my kryptonite and he’s my saving grace. And I feel so confused, so hurt, because I love you both so much.” There was a wavering to her voice, which made him tense and her gaze to focus ahead. Not wanting to expose anymore vulnerability than she had already.  

“You weren’t my first, but you were my first love. My first, true love. And Tig, he’s the second love of my life. You both live inside my chest, taking up space there and now that you’ve come back. I can’t think straight, I can’t. Because you’ve now taken space up in my head. You come back professing your love and the mistake you made in leaving me, expecting me to take you back.”  

His head hung low in regret, and she could only continue to keep that distance between them.

“Everything you said, I waited for a year, I waited everyday for you to come back and tell me how sorry you were, how much you loved me. But I’m not sure if I continue to love you cause’ you hurt me, or because I want something more from you. I don’t know, the pain you inflicted on me has become my drug. I’m addicted to it, but it’s not good for me.” She sighed softly, tears falling quietly down her cheeks.  

Kozik stopped walking and immediately gripped her bicep, causing her to stop as well. He forced her to look at him and when she did, they both felt that intoxicated love coming rip-roaring back to life.  

“I don’t know what it was about you that caught my eye. Maybe it was your wild hair, or your daring eyes, or the fact that you weren’t afraid to put anyone in their place, but something in you, made me gravitate towards you. From the moment I saw you walk into that bar, I’ve loved you and every day after. I made a mistake in leaving, and it’s one I’ll always regret. Because you are the only woman for me, I don’t want to be your kryptonite babe, I want to be your superman.” He said, his thumb stroking circles over her damp cheek.

She couldn’t help the free-roaming tears, or the utter adoration she had for Kozik. And all she could think about while looking at him is how much she wanted to kiss him. However, he seemed to have had read her mind because he was soon leaning down and placing a searing kiss across her plump lips. His hands roaming down the length of her body before encircling her waist.

And while two old lovers reunited, there was a man scorned across the street, staring idly from an ice cream parlor. Tig would never admit it, but he swore that day he could feel a bit of him die off.  

☾ ☾ ☾ ☾

It had been two hours later when Y/N had returned to the club house. Kozik had taken a ride with Happy to Stockton State Prison to visit a member who had been locked up for years. There was an underlying guilt nestled in the pit of her stomach as she stepped through the club house doors. Mainly because she hadn’t only kissed Kozik but also had sex with him.

Shoes pattered against the floor as she made her back to Tig’s dorm, only wanting to hide beneath the sheets. However, when she entered the room, she was stunned to find him sitting on the edge of the bed. He lacked any visible facial expression, in fact he was so still and quiet that it unnerved her. Setting her bag down on the small table near the door, she’d frown. “Tig, what’s wrong?”

He remained silent, until he barked out a question that made her sick. “Did you fuck him?”  

And all she could do was play stupid, pretend that she hadn’t just been devoured by Kozik. “Who?”

In a flurry of rage, Tig was at his feet, tossing aside the wooden chair that was a few feet away from him. “Don’t play fucking stupid Y/N, you know god damn well who I’m talkin’ about.”  

She bit into her bottom lip to keep back a yelp, before taking a cowardice step back.  

Icy blue eyes darted to her, legs drawing him closer to her. “Answer me!” he growled.

“Yes! Okay! Yes! I did, I slept with him.” She cried, guilty and frustrated tears forming.

His face was only a few inches from hers, his gaze narrowed down at her while his upper lip quirked into a scowl. “You’re a dirty fuckin’ bitch.”  

His words were like a slap to the face, and in a sense, she couldn’t blame him for what he said, for what he thought. She had slept with her ex-boyfriend, while simultaneously screwing Tig on the side. Yet, she couldn’t deny how much his words broke her.

“Don’t call me that.” She mewled.  

Tig was soon cornering her against the wall, trapping her between his arms as his hands dug into the wallpaper. “That’s what you are.”

Hands formed into fists at her side, trying her hardest not to unleash on him. But it couldn’t be helped, because the way he was staring at her, made her realize that she was never priority in his life either. He was always fucking her, and other women as well, it was never her, it would never be just her.

“Says the man who fucks me, then an hour later goes and fucks someone else. Don’t you ever try to shame me for what I did, when you go out and do the same thing every day. You’re not better than me, and you’re not in my shoes, you don’t understand what I’m going through.” She snapped.

He scoffed before pulling away from her. “There differences between me and you doll, is that I only love one woman that I fuck, and I come home to her every night.”  

Tig was soon grabbing his kutte and stalking out of the dorm, slamming the door behind him.  

While she had waited for Kozik to admit his wrongs and come back, she had also been waiting for Tig’s confession of love.  

And when he had finally said it in the midst of the jumble, she could only feel the piece of her heart that belonged to him, cry out for its owner. Y/N slowly slid over to the bed where she sat on the edge, looking blankly at the floor as incoherent sobs shook her body.  

The one person who had been there for her, she had hurt. She had betrayed him so effortlessly, and now he was gone. All for the sake of a man who had left her broken and torn in the dust.

Chapter 4

[serendipitioussurvival]

They Call Her Alpha - Pt 1

Fem!Stiles/Peter Hale

<Next>

“They call her Mother, Destroyer… they call her Alpha.” she was supposed to instill fear into all who opposed her, hope in all that worshiped or called for her. She was supposed to be powerful, not this twig of a teenager giving him the most pitiful glare he’d ever received in his life. “They swear by her like she is a Goddess. She leaves no enemies alive, no records of her face or what she looks like, and all her people are unfalteringly loyal. The only vague description we’ve received of her looks is from the Oracle.” what, exactly, was so inspiring about the little sparkling in front of him? 

She wasn’t too attractive - her hair had multiple hues of red, honey brown, black, and chestnut but was much too oily - though he did find himself sort of enthralled with mapping out the moles and freckles dotting the expanses of fair skin he could see. 

“It’s not rare for scents to be shared.” he reasoned while turning to face his sister, completely dismissing the almost human in front of them. “She doesn’t exactly strike fear into me, sister dearest.” when she seemed unable to stop staring at the girl he let out a small, irritated growl that was quickly answered by a flash of her ruby red eyes. 

“I would remember my place, brother.” she snapped dismissively then turned her attention back to the young woman in front of her. “Isaac,” a young man with cherubic features and curly blonde hair to match stepped forward, hands shaking ever so slightly as the only indication that he was nervous - much to Peter’s pride. “Take the tape off her mouth.” 

Peter had severe doubts that this strange wannabe witchling was the dreaded spark they were looking for, those doubts all flew out the fucking window when Isaac moved into her personal space. Whiskey eyes turned almost beta gold, her anger simmered into something calming and comforting that had his inner wolf prowling from underneath his skin. When Isaac pulled the duct tape off of her lips he did so with steady hands and in a fluid motion that he quickly bowed his head in apology for. He blamed biology for paying close attention to the pink tongue that came out and wetted peach lips. 

“Pretty sure Kidnapping is still illegal, declared or otherwise.” if his wolf was prowling before it was now right underneath his skin, ready to pounce so it could get closer to her. “Heard rumors that the new queen was a ‘were, guess this war has been beneficial to you and yours.” the few Enforcers of the Hale Pack stepped forward with claws extended the moment their Alpha Queen snarled, Isaac - still relatively new to the pack - and Scott - another new addition who was the same age as Isaac - both shrunk back. Peter did not miss the way the supposed ‘Mother, Destroyer’ glanced once towards them before settling back on his sister with a tight anger that he, strangely enough, understood. 

“No war has been formally declared,” Talia reasoned after recollecting herself. 

“Oh? Might want to tell the victims that then. Humans and traitors to both sides are the casualties of your ‘peace’ war with the Unseelie Queen and her geriatric psycho fuck Pappy.” a snort of amusement escaped him before he could even think to control it. “Oh?” her eyes centered directly on him, unnerving and pleasing at the same time. “Think the death of traitors and humans is funny, do you?” she tsk’ed and eyed him up and down, “Bad dog.” 

“Then you are the ‘Alpha’?” Talia snarled while drawing her Enforcers back. 

“Alpha? I’m no wolf,” she snorted and leaned back against the chair, “You mean The Mother, though, don’t you?” she sighed heavily and rolled her shoulders. “Might as well just kill me now then, won’t get anything useful out of me.” Peter sauntered forward, grinning wide when her attention focused back on him. 

“Why’s that sweetling?” he actually laughed when she recoiled away from him in disgust. 

“Ugh, okay Uncle Bad touch, let’s just keep you over that way.” she actually did a ‘shoo’ motion with her foot, “You could totally make Creeperwolf over here a torture method,” she remarked casually to his sister but centered her gaze directly on him when he took another step towards her. “No, go away, shoo.” 

“You’re really not attracted to me,” he murmured, amazed, even as he leaned into her personal space to get a good whiff of her scent. 

“Yeah, no dip Sherlock. Yo, Queeny, what the fuck? Can you tighten the leash or something on him, this is totally borderline sexual harassment.” She was amusing, no one - aside from powerful Dark Fae - ever spoke to his sister like that. For that alone it was almost worth keeping her alive. 

“You will watch your tongue when you speak to the Seelie Queen, ant.” ah yes, cousin Andrew. How Peter adored the fanatic cousin that believed devotedly in his sister. 

“Hmm, Ant, new one. Well, your ‘Oh, most powerful light fae, Seelie Queen, unmatched in lighty goodness’-” He had to turn away from her lest she see his grin. Little tart was a mouthy one wasn’t she? Damn, he was already half smitten. “What can this humble Spark in training do for you?” 

“You’re the Alpha, the Mother.” she actually laughed for a spell before she realized that no one else was laughing with her. 

“Oh my - okay, open your lil wolfy ears and hear me when I say; I am not the Mother, Alpha, or whatever the hell else you’re searching for.” that fact that her hummingbird heartbeat remained steady and that her scent remained clear of deceit had Talia deflating just a little. “There, okay, can I go? I know it may seem hard to believe but I’m not exactly overflowing in the friend department. I’ve only got one and we kinda got a codependency goin’ on, so if you don’t mind?” she wriggled so the chains keeping her confined to the chair would jingle. Peter liked her, mouthy brat she was. 

“You were fighting a Strigoi from taking two Pup’s, why?” the girl sagged back into her chair and eyed Talia with a fatigue that dulled her vigor. 

“Because they were full shift wolves and the bastard wanted to enslave them and sell them back to Psycho Bitch Barbie and her cult of meanies.” Peter couldn’t help his laughter even if he wanted to - which he definitely did not - when he registered that she was calling Kate Argent, current Queen of the Unseelie Court, a Psycho Bitch Barbie. That took balls, it took either a tremendous amount of stupidity or courage and this little sparkling didn’t seem all that stupid. Evidence to the contrary. “Is that why you thought I was the Alpha? ‘Cause I did a little whoop ass on the Dark side Jackasses?” 

“You fit the description we’ve received, vague though it may be.” Peter’s warning growl for her at giving too much away was cut off by intrigue when she leaned forward, smelling of vanilla joy and curiosity. 

“I did? Itty bitty badass me?” Talia’s eyebrows pinched in frustration. Either because of her or because of the case of mistaken identity, Peter couldn’t tell. 

“We were clearly mistaken,” she shook her head slightly to clear her thoughts and murmured something to Scott. Nearly all watched as he left the room before they centered wearily on her. “Were you declared before?”

“Before I sided with the humans and those abandoned by both sides? No.” she settled back with a huff and kicked a single leg out to test the strength of the chains. He adored the way her grin was just a tad blood thirsty when Andrew growled warningly at her, Beta blues flashing as a warning. 

“What is your name then, Spark?” 

“Polish, you can’t say it.” She sighed and looked around, clearly bored with the current conversation. “Also an Orphan, so no known surname. Life’s a bitch, innit? You can call me Stiles, if you want to try niceties, but I’m not declaring Seelie.” 

“It is an honor-” Andrew started vehemently, drawing twin eyerolls from both Peter and ‘Stiles’. 

“And now I know that I will be avoiding you at the next siore.” he didn’t know what enticed him more, the fact that she said soire so perfectly or the fact that she could clearly speak multiple languages. 

“So, French and English. What about Polish?” he crouched in front of her, knowing that his jeans hugged his thighs and ass just right when he did so. Little tart didn’t even glance. 

“Well well, Uncle Bad Touch, you ain’t so bad at sleuthin’. So I got three languages under my belt, care to guess at which one is my native one?” he grinned and leaned in closer, ignoring his sister’s warning call of his name. 

“I’d rather get under your belt myself,” she tsked again and sighed as if disappointed with him. 

“As much as I like trading barbs with you, Uncle Bad Touch, I will have to gracefully decline. Her head tilted to the side, exposing her pretty neck and the trailing of moles that he wanted to trace.

With his tongue. 

“You wound me,” he joked, hand clasped dramatically over his heart as he rocked back on his heels. 

“I’d like to,” she glibly returned, eyes gleaming her joy and flooding the room with her vanilla pleasure. 

“Enough!” Talia snapped, drawing him back to her side by his wolf. He hated when she did that, when she took his control and snapped it to achieve her own goals. “Enough. As an undeclared you are not bound by our laws. We will let you go,” she rose her hand to quell the disagreements that rose from her decision, “but we will be keeping an eye on you. If we so much as suspect that you play a bigger part than what you seem to then we will collect you again. Make no mistake, Spark, if you so much as move a foot in a direction I deem suspicious I will make you declare a side to either be punished or governed as seen fit.”

“You know,” the Spark mused as Scott began unlocking her confines. “You’re not so bad, Queeny, but you’re hopelessly misinformed about the actual state of things. I’m sure your Seelie losses have been big,” dainty fingers rubbed at the red indentations on her wrist, “If you were aware of the actual losses your ‘not-war’ has caused-” she trailed off as she got lost in her own thoughts. “Well, whatever. Can I get dropped off where you’re people kidnapped me from?” A better man wouldn’t have taken the time she was walking away to check out her ass, a better man would’ve probably felt sympathy for the sparkling. Peter was not a ‘good’ man, but he wasn’t a bad one either, so when she looked back at him from over her shoulder he tore his gaze from her tempestuous ass to wink at her. Of one thing he was certain, she was either on the cusp of her twentieth year or she soon would be. She was much too interesting to kill or enslave, he hoped she stayed that way. 

“Peter, I want you to keep an eye on her.” sweet, sweet victory. “She’s hiding something but I feel we’ll have a better chance at finding out what when she thinks she’s not under scrutiny.” 

“With pleasure, sister.” 

[kweebtrash]

Can I Love Like This? (M)

Messy Chapter 6

Pairing(s): OC X Johnny 

Genre: College AU, Fuckboy AU, Angst, Smut

Summary: Fuckboys are basically good for one thing. You hit it and quit it- except when his voice draws you in, his body keeps you there, and dumb ass feelings linger making things particularly messy.

Warnings:  description/discussions of sexual assaults, beginnings of codependency, light drinking/drug use, unhealthy coping mechanisms, anxiety attack/night terrors, a little bit of a “i can fix/help you attitude”, a little jealousssyyyyyyyyyy

Features: slight daddy kink (daddy/princess), a lot of making out and ass grabbing (because johnny’s a slut), a little bit of grinding, blow jobs, unprotected sex/pulling out, slow fucking/riding, scratching, overstimulation, multiple orgasms, oh and cock warming

Word Count: around 13.5k

A/N: There’s no group chat at the end so I’m sorry! I know a lot of people like them because they’re funny but for some of the serious chapters there won’t be. Towards the end, the songs referenced are Chase Atlantics “Dancer in the Dark” and “Into It”.

Messy Masterlist    Buy me a Ko-Fi  Other Stories

Johnny's POV

I stood quiet as I was unsure as to why she was crying. It happened so suddenly that I stopped talking, pausing to see if she would gather herself. I had told her what happened after the rave and everything that transpired the past couple of weeks. It was definitely hard to say the whole truth. Jae had only gotten the cliffnotes version; i wasn't exactly comfortable telling him everything even though he was my best friend. For some reason though, with Eri, I felt like I could tell her anything and she wouldn't think less of me. I just didn't expect her to cry.

“I'm so sorry, Johnny.” She managed to squeak through her hiccuped breaths.

I scooted closer to her. “For what?”

“For not being there for you…”

“How could you have been? I pushed you away. I needed some time to myself. Shit got heavy really fast and I stayed roped in this mess. I just felt stupid. I knew i shouldn't have taken the pill but I did. And if i hadn't maybe i would've avoided all this.”

“Dont ever blame yourself, ok? We make mistakes but that doesn't warrant anyone getting ra-”

I grabbed her shoulder, more intensely than i should have but i couldn't bear to hear what she was about to say just yet. “Please don't say that word. Just don't.”

She pursed her lips together and pulled her knees to her chest. I sighed and raised my hand to wipe away the smudge-y black tears staining her cheek. She turned towards my touches, slowly falling into my chest and holding onto me tight. It felt good to be held like this. I didn't realize i was even craving it until now. A warm touch that wasn't full of violence or ill will finally made me feel like I could breathe again. Like my safety net has been casted and I could fall into it without worry. “I don't want this to happen to you again. I want to be there for you.”

“It wouldn't be the first time.” I shrugged simply.

Eri looked at me in surprise and as if another round of tears were about to break through at any moment. “What do you mean? T-this has happened before?”

“Something similar, i guess.” I set my head in the palm of my hand as she pulled away to give me room to breath. “When i was younger i hooked up with an older chick which was a big mistake. I wasn't really experienced at the time so I let her take control. So she asked me to go down on her-this was my first time doing it- and then she kinda...she like held me there. I couldn't really breathe so i started to panic and tried to push her away. She didn't let go. When she finally did I didn't want to do anything after but I guess she convinced me or guilted me into having sex after.”

“Oh my god...that's why you dont-”

I nodded.

Her semi silent tears exploded again and i wanted to shake her. There wasn't any need to cry over me or even take pity upon me.  “Eri, stop it. Stop crying.”

“Don't tell me to stop crying! All this shit happened to you and it makes me pissed! Im angry you felt like you couldn't tell anyone. I'm upset at myself for not being there for you. I feel guilty for all those times i asked you to go down on me. And worst of all i want to hurt the bitches that did this to you. Like really hurt them.”

“Don't. I just wanted you to know. I was the one that felt guilty about leaving you on read. I got swallowed up by everything and it was like I wasn't allowed to even be with my friends. I'm thankful that you're worried about me and i'm definitely glad you're here with me now but I don't want to focus on the bad stuff anymore...can we just, maybe, stop talking about it?”

Eri wiped at the tears and nodded. “Yeah, yeah! Shit, of course. I’m sorry. You don’t have to think of it anymore because of me.” She enveloped me in another death grip hug, plastering me to her chest. I wrapped my arms around her waist, setting my head on her shoulder and closing my eyes for just a moment. I could smell her- the mintiness of her shampoo, the florals of her perfume, and the underlying muskiness of our sex. Paired with the heat of her body it was the most comforting thing i had felt all month. I sighed softly, giving her shoulder a quick kiss before pulling away. I kept my hands on her waist and looked up at her. “Do you...will you stay here tonight?”

“Duh.” She smiled. “I'd be totally okay with that.” I reciprocated her smile and pressed a gentle kiss to her lips. She stayed close, adding a few more pecks until i leaned into her harder. Her hands fell to my shoulders, gripping them tightly as mine slipped to her hips. Just as I beckoned for her to part her lips she pulled away, leaving me confused. “Um...is this ok?” She whispered, nibbling on her lip nervously.

“If it was okay in the bathroom, why wouldn’t it be okay now?” I scoffed.

“Because...of everything we just talked about. I didn’t want you to feel uncomfortable. Remember how you did the same for me at the beach? I want to be sure you don’t feel-”

“I don’t feel like shit when I’m with you Eri, trust me. I guess I never told you but...don’t take this the wrong way ok? But like-” I exhaled deeply and dropped my head back onto the seat of the couch. “But when we fuck I don’t feel like anything’s wrong. I don’t feel like I have to be in my head, or wrapped up in shit that’s happened to me, or even like I’m rushing through it just to get off. It feels good.” I could see the hint of redness color her cheeks and it made my palms sweat. I pulled them away from her hips and wiped them furiously on my jeans, failing at trying to be as casual as I could be. I didn’t want it to seem like it was something that would ruin our fuck buddy relationship. I didn’t want that at all.

“I'm glad i can make you feel good. That's all i want, Johnny.” She said softly.

“C'mere.” I sighed, pulling her into my lap. “Promise me you wont worry about me that much?”

“Absolutely not.” She adjusted herself so that she straddled my thighs. “All i'm gonna do is worry about you now. You big dumb ass.” She resumed her gentle kisses and I dove back in to trying to pull more out of her. Anything to get my mind off of this. Too many emotions at once gave me a sick panicky feeling and retreating to sex was my comfort zone of all things, especially with Eri. With all the heavy talk I wanted to go back to burying it deep down inside my brain and my heart, trapped with all the other shit i had been through. I wanted to move on. I wanted to be free. Maybe i should be taking more time to properly heal and process it but i just wasn't capable of doing that. At least not now. Maybe somewhere down the line when i was in my mid thirties and having a crisis in therapy I could address it. But for now I was content with shoving it aside and convincing myself that I was alright. I need that intimate touch with Eri to help me forget and metaphorically wash away the dead feeling my body had from having sex with a destructive force of nature. I let my mind snap back to our kiss just as her lips parted and I could slip my tongue in. I sighed into her mouth, moving past my traumatic thoughts and letting my fingers trail up and down her spine.

Getting lost in her lips was a better addiction than any drug I'd ever done before. The way they felt against mine made me never want to stop kissing her. I didn't need to breathe, i just needed her against me. Her fingers crept into my hair, twirling around a few strands. Just as I kissed at her bottom lip she let out a soft whimper. “It still hurts, jerk.”

I smiled a bit, remembering my handiwork of almost tearing into the tenderness of her lips. A little part of me liked it, making it akin to her knowing that she was mine in that moment. “Oh, now you're gonna complain, princess?”

“D-dont call me that.” She whispered, touching her fingers to her tender lip.

“Why?”

“Because it's...i mean it goes with the whole...um-uh-" She turned her voice down to a whisper. “Daddy thing.”

Shit. I had almost forgotten about that. But how could I? It triggered something in me. Something i never even knew I desired. It made me want to do filthy flithy things and get lost in the way she begged for me. My own cheeks started to heat up just at the thought. “Right...so...uh...is that a thing between us now or?”

“I dont know! I mean it's still...there's like more to it than just the name and I dont think it's gonna be your gig!”

“How do you know that?” I tapped her forehead with mine gently and gave her another kiss. “Maybe I like all the shit you're into.”

“Name one single kink you have.”

“I like the hair pulling.”

“That's like normal people stuff, Johnny.” She practically laughed. “All i'm saying is that there's dynamics, trust, and learning that goes with using that word. It's more complicated than you think.”

“Does it mean i can control you?”

“EXCUSE.” She yelled.

“WHAT!? I'm just asking. I'm curious. Can't i be curious?”

“Well yeah but...i didn't think we'd be having this conversation so suddenly and especially not after everything that's happened.”

“I still like sex, Eri. I still want to have sex. I want to have good sex so that way my body doesn't shut down completely and i'm reminded of what it's like to not have control. Hence, why I asked. Can i have control of you?”

“Well...i mean…” she fidgeted against me and groped at the ends her hair. This was the first time I had ever really seen her so docile. It was a bit strange but i was beginning to like it almost as much as i liked her fiery “take no bullshit” personality. “Not all the time. Only in the bedroom, or bathroom...or i guess bumper cars too.”

“Interesting.” So she was giving me permission. Now what to do with that exactly. I was diving into new territory and while it was a hell of a lot more frightening than it was thrilling, the spark of curiosity was ever growing. Control was something I definitely needed during sex. I wouldn't be able to function without it. I didn't exactly see it as a kink thing, it was more of a me thing and how my mind reacted when I fucked. It was like a defensive mechanism that went off as soon as I was in someone. “Ok. So...another thing.” I started.

“Oh boy.” She took a deep breath and exhaled dramatically. “What else?”

“The choking.”

She scrunched up her body and wiggled in the most uncomfortable way. “Right. Uh...that's a thing I like. Not everyone does and you don't have to do it if you don't want to! And if you're trying to be kinky because of me you really really don't have to. I can have regular sex.”

“I want to try some things. The choking is a bit much but if you're okay with it and if i'm doing it right then maybe i'd be willing to do it again.” I confessed.

She covered her face and dove her head into my chest. “Oh my god. I can't believe we're doing this.”

“Why are you so off put by us doing it but not by Ten or Yuta?”

“Because!” She said, practically muffled by the barriers of our skin. “I never expected this from you! It's a little weird!”

“What's so weird about it?”

“I-you- we...ugh, i don't know! I guess i just…” She didn't look at me when she trailed off in her thoughts. She tugged harder on her hair, pulling a few strands free. I pulled her hands away before it got any worse.

“You're stressed.” I noted.

“It's a lot in one night to process. And i know you want to talk about this stuff between us right now because you want to ignore what happened. I get that, i really do. It feels good to ignore shit but it's a ticking time bomb.”

“I know that. The bomb has exploded a few times but it's all I can do right now. If you dont want to talk about kink stuff or sex or my life then that's fine.”

“Nonononono!” She waved her hand frantically as if to stop me. “I do! I like our talk but i'm...i don't want it to get too messy between us. I take the kink thing seriously. They're different relationships compared to romances or friendships, though they can cross over. So even if mutual friends do it and something happens where there’s disconnect or trust issues than it can be difficult to repair that. On top of that, you and I are-we're really connected. I keep forgiving you, you keep thinking about me. We're fucking stupid.”

“That's for damn sure. I know what I want from you.” I lied. “It's just sex.” Idiot, stop talking right now. “That's all it is, Eri.” Jesus christ, why do you do this to yourself?

It may have been in my imagination but maybe her deep brown eyes showed a hint of hurt in them. She quickly smiled as if would create a clean slate. “Well duh!” She laughed, which seemed a bit forced. “What else would it be! We're just friends. Who fuck. A lot. Just friends.”

I nodded, feeling my heart clench behind my rib cage. My mind was screaming to blurt out that I liked her but the chains that shackled me to my inability to fully trust anyone prevented me from heading in that new direction. “Just friends.”

She returned my nod as if we had just sealed a pact. “Um...so we're friends. Who fuck. And now you want to try being my-” She whispered again like the word was suddenly going to condemn her. “Daddy.”

“I mean…” What the fuck did I even mean? “Yes?”

She flopped into my chest again and i could tell we were on the same level of confusion, exhaustion, and frustration. Eri had been right all along and I should've listened to her. It was too much all at once. “Hey, do you want some clothes to change into so that way you're not all covered in straps and buckles and shit?” I said, trying to flip the conversation entirely.

“Oh!” She seemed grateful for the change of pace. “Yes, please. I'm ready to yeet this damn bra off.”

“What's your costume even supposed to be anyway?” I asked.

“I dont know,” She shrugged. “I just put together anything that looked slutty. Call me like a black cat or something.”

I flicked the metal o-ring on her collar. “Yeah, with your kitty collar.” I meant it as a joke but i could see by the way her she ducked her head and avoided me that she was thinking of something else. “Eri, oh my god.”

“What?! I didn't say anything!”

“You didn't have to, you kinky slut. I didn't mean it like that.” She hit my chest playfully.

“Shut up!” Eri shimmied off me and stood up between my legs. Her thighs were in my face now and i couldn't help but run my hands over them and cup her ass. This was my favorite part about her and i could kiss them for hours if she let me. I felt her tap my forehead. “Now you're being the slut. Come pick something for me to wear. I don't know where your clothes are.”

I patted her ass, beckoning her to move so i could get up myself. She moved back and headed towards my room. I was still slowly getting up from the floor when i heard her gasp. “What happened?!” I panicked and went to her side. I didn't see anything out of the ordinary though. “What's wrong?”

“Who's room is this? It's so clean!” She clutched her chest, over dramatically, and looked around. “There's no starbucks cups! And it smells so nice! Clothes are in the laundry basket! Oh my!”

“Ha ha, very funny. Sometimes cleaning your room during a severe depression episode helps. I just wanted something to help make me feel better.”

I went over to my closet while she poked around still raptured by the fact that she could now see my floor. I pushed through some of my gym shirts and button ups and found a hoodie that i thought might fit her. I pulled it out, waiting to hand it over to her, when i saw her fingers dancing over the keys of my electric keyboard. Her attention turned towards my acoustic guitar after, her head cocking just a bit to the side.

“So i'm not the only one with a music secret?”

“I dont keep it a secret. I make music with the guys all the time. It's just been really hard lately.”

“Mhm…” Eri pressed her lips together, her eyes darting to the left as if she was mulling over something. “So...if you're in journalism are you doing music journalism like I am?”

I shook my head and kind of laughed. I guess school and life shit never came up between us when we were fucking each others brains out. “No, photojournalism actually. I'm getting a minor in music production but I want to do mostly photojournalism.”

“I don't think you can get a degree by taking thirst trap gym pictures for instagram, Johnny boy.” She nudged my shoulder back playfully and i just rolled my eyes at her.

“I don't just take those kinds of pictures. I do other stuff. Better stuff. More meaningful stuff.” I leaned back against my dresser, the hoodie still in hand as i waited for her to start disrobing. She began with the collar, unbuckling it from around her neck and letting it fall against the harness. She turned towards me when she struggled to get to the straps behind her. I set the hoodie between my knees and pried at the metal clusterfuck. She pulled her hair over her shoulders. My eyes instantly went to the tattoos she had across her shoulder blades. I was tracing over the designs in my mind, falling deep in thought and not hearing what she was saying. I trailed up to her neck and could see the faintest dark mark from where my fingers dug into her throat. I swallowed hard. I don't know what had possessed me to give in to what she wanted. Choking wasn't something i had ever wanted to do yet she had somehow seduced me into it like some sort of vinyl clad succubus that had control over me with that little word she mistakenly (or not so mistakenly) uttered.

She looked back at me. “Did you hear me?”

“Huh? What?” I blinked and refocused on getting the straps of the harness loose. “Uh, what did you say?”

She pulled off the harness and took off her bra, sighing in relief. “I said i want to see some of your “meaningful stuff” since you said you're not always taking thirst trap pics and gym selfies.”

“Oh! Uh...i mean sure.” I handed her the hoodie which she slipped on before discarding the rest of her clothes and her boots. She looked much more cozy than before and i found myself preferring this look rather than her glammed up dominatrix gear. The sleeves of my hoodie were too long for her arms, dangling far past her small hands. She swung her arms a bit, wiggling her hips as she watched the excess fabric flop around. I couldn't help but laugh. “What the hell are you doing?”

She wiggled her arms out at me. “I don't know. They're so long on me it makes me think of an octopus.” She shrugged and became a little bit more reserved. “Sorry, i kinda do weird shit all the time.”

“Yeah, you definitely are weird that's for sure.”

“Tell me something I dont know.”

“I used to do this parrot impression for my mom when i was a kid.” I said.

“What in the fuck?” She laughed, covering half of her face with her sleeves as if to hide from second hand embarrassment.

“That's something you don't know but now you do. And i would show it to you but i don't think you deserve to see my great skill.”

“PLEASE, spare me. I don't want to hear you squawk like a parrot for the love of god.” She pawed at me with her hand as she stepped closer and set her head on my chest. I subconsciously wrapped my arm around her shoulders and pulled out my phone. I went to my photography Instagram and held it out for her to see.

“But anyway, parrot impression aside, here's my photography stuff. I mean it's not great or anything but...you know, i like it.”

She pushed the sleeves up her arms until her little hands were free and grabbed my phone, scrolling through my pictures. I felt my heartbeat increase with nervousness. I think i might've been scared to hear what she actually thought of my work; i guess i was putting value on her opinions and possibly wanting to...impress her? I was half prepared to hear that it all sucked but definitely not prepared for what she actually said.

“Johnny, you're so beautiful.”

I whipped my head towards her, stunned completely at those little words that i had never heard coupled together in my entire life. “W-what?” She angled my phone so i could see a self portrait i had done of me during the sunset. I thought it was a weak composition but for her to think that i was actually...beautiful? “It’s just...it's just a self portrait. I was just trying to experiment with lighting and-”

“You're beautiful, idiot. And talented. I love all of these.” She scrolled some more and almost let out a dreamy sigh. “This one...this one is perfect.” The new tile she had expanded was that of my eye filtering through the brightness of the sun and bringing out the kaleidoscope of colors my iris could make. Her cheeks looked a little warmer and i could have sworn she had let out a tiny giggle of pleasure.

“What? It's just my eye.”

“Yeah but your eyes are that perfect shade of brown that can do all sorts of things. I remember at the party right before you kissed me, the kitchen light reflected in them and they turned into a warm honey color and it was...um...nice. Sorry…” Her excitement seemed to die down and she handed my phone back to me. “I kinda made it weird…”

My palms were started to sweat again and i couldn't quite figure out how to respond. No one had ever talked about me or any of my features in that manner. I could say the same about her but currently my throat was turning into a knot. I pulled away from her and tossed my phone on my desk trying to focus on anything else. She padded over to my bed and sat down, keeping her distance and vow of silence. The only thing that interrupted it was the loud growl from her stomach. I couldn’t help but stifle a laugh. “I take it you’re hungry?”

“Well...It may have been like...6 hours since I actually ate at work.”

“Eri. Seriously?”

“Look, I had to start getting ready for the party. It takes me an hour and a half to look like this!” She circled her hand around her face that (though a little messed up now) had makeup caked on that made her look like some alternative Instagram model.

“Oh my god. Ok, can I interest you in a carpet picnic of-” I thought to what I had in my fridge. “A bunch of pizza rolls and french fries, a half bottle of bottom shelf whiskey, and some cigarettes that you entirely loathe but will smoke anyway?”

“Oh Johnny!” She giggled jokingly. “How utterly romantic. You know a way directly to my heart.”

I shrugged. “What can I say, i’m a charmer. I’m gonna put the pizza rolls in.”

“Uh, should I just stay in here?”

I shrugged. “Do whatever you want, babe.” I headed towards the kitchen and grabbed the giant bag of pizza rolls and fries from the freezer. I pulled a mostly clean baking sheet from the oven and dumped the food on it. I tried to remember when I even kept the shitty whiskey. I checked the fridge and thankfully it was way in the back behind some old chinese cartons and milk. I pulled it out and set it on the counter, finding some leftover plastic shot glasses I normally used for parties. Just as i was setting the food in the oven she joined me in the kitchen, hopping onto the counter and opening the whiskey.

She poured out two shots and held it out to me. “You need it.”

“I need to become an alcoholic to deal with all the shit im going through.” I chuckled. We held up the glasses up in a silent toast before tossing them back. She instantly poured us another one.

“Don't become an alcoholic. I'm already the alcoholic in this relationship. You're the delinquent drug user and nymphomaniac.”

“Excuse me. I am not a nympho. I can go without sex.”

“Wanna bet?” She smirked and tossed back another shot.

“No. I know i'd lose.”

“I know, that's why i want to. Since i'll win i can ask you to do a favor for me.”

“Oh no.” I protested already seeing that devilish look in her eye. “I don't trust you.”

“C'mooonnn. Dont be a chicken. I won't make it so bad. Let's see if you can last until tomorrow. I'll make it easy.” She propositioned.

“Fine. I can do until tomorrow.” I drank my shot and set it down on the counter, rubbing my chest at the after burn.

Suddenly, Eri was caressing my face, guiding me towards her for a gentle kiss. “In all seriousness i'm glad you're okay after everything. Physically, i mean. I'm sure you're still working on the mentally.”

“I'll be fine, Eri. One day at a time, yeah?”

She nodded and hummed a little in agreement. My lips hovered over hers for a moment, hesitating before giving in. I wrapped my hand around hers, pulling it away from my face to entwine our fingers together. Our kiss was much more slower than before, so that way she wouldn't complain about me hurting her sore lip. Between our tongues tangling I could hear the soft moan of my name. I pulled away just a bit. “Hmm?”

“I could kiss you for hours.” She confessed, adding a gentle squeeze to my hand. I nodded against her, my breath speeding up as my heart thundered.

“That's for damn sure. You're always driving me crazy with those lips of yours.”

“I could say the same about you.” She sealed her statement with another kiss, driving us into another session unaffected by time and boredom. That was until i smelled the beginnings of something burning.

“Fuck!” I pulled away from her quickly and rushed to grab a pot holder. I opened the oven door and saw that the pizza rolls were getting a bit too brown but I was able to save them before they were little charcoal blocks. I took the whole pan out and set it on top of the stove to let it cool. 

“Good job, chef.” Eri chuckled as she poked at me with her foot.

“Well, if I hadn't been distracted then maybe I could've taken them out in time.” I swatted at her foot gently, scrunching away when she continued her playful pokes. “I'm gonna beat your little ass.” I joked.

She jumped down from the counter and over my shoulder I could see her walking towards the couch. “Ooh, spank me, Daddy.” I could tell she was joking but the coy little look on her face told me she was still testing those forbidden awkward waters. I shook my head; this chick was ridiculous and I loved it. I grabbed some plates for us and loaded them up, tucking the bottle of whiskey under my arm as i balanced everything. I set the plates down on the coffee table and plopped down beside her in front of the couch.

“Wanna watch something?” I suggested.

She nodded. “Put a scary movie on or a serial killer documentary. It helps me fall asleep.” She ended her sentence with a yawn.

“You fall asleep to the sound of people getting murdered?”

“Yeah, doesn't everyone?” She laughed. “I’m just used to the sounds and the documentaries are soft spoken. It's nice background sounds.”

“Alright, weirdo.” I complied with her request, searching through my netflix for something she deemed interesting enough. We eventually settled on Friday the 13th and fell into a rhythm of eating, laughing at the terrible acting, and Eri telling me her favorite things about scary movies. It was almost stereotypical but she was absolutely adorable when she got so passionate about describing her favorite type of movie blood, murder weapon, and trope. Occasionally she would feed me a pizza roll or french fry and laugh when it was too hot and burned my tongue. Spending time like this, just hanging out without any craziness, parties, or people around us was amazing. She was becoming more than just a pretty face and a sex god. She was actually showing her personality. It was my turn to say that she was showing her humanity.

When the food was done and whiskey gone i realized that we were cuddled up together in front of the couch. I had gotten a blanket from my room to make sure she was warm enough and changed into some temporary pjs. Her eyelids were getting heavier and she was on the verge of completely passing out. “Eri, baby, you want to go to my bed?”

She perked her head up, sleepily. “No, no. We're watching the movie.”

“It's almost done.”

“Hmm, stay here.” She tugged on my shirt, keeping me close. I sighed and complied, even though my ass was starting to get sore from sitting on the floor all this time. I kissed the top of her head before sinking down so i could rest my head in her lap. It gave my back a break and my tailbone some room to breathe. Her fingers combed through my hair, pushing it back and scratching at my scalp every once in awhile. That in of itself was like a lullaby to me. I felt my eyes getting heavy and heard the soft hums of a song i half recognized. I set her other hand on my stomach, letting her fingers crawl underneath my tank top to rub at the skin there. This was amazing. Everything felt so warm and perfect and I thought I could finally sleep in peace.

But I was fucking wrong.

I don't know how long it took for me to slip into a panic. Flashes of Rixi and my past mistakes were dancing behind my fluttering eyelids and I tried to push them away. My breath was gone. All i could do was let out a harsh rasp as if something was choking the life out of me. My heart felt like it was going to explode any moment. The damn void surrounded me and swallowed me up, replaying my internal screams until i felt my body shake hard.

“Hey, hey! Johnny, baby, look at me. Are you ok?”

My eyes flew open and I shot up, trying to suck in air with heavy gasps. I felt sweat pouring down the sides of my face. I was trembling and couldn't control it. It finally clicked that I was at home and had been for a few hours. Eri was still beside me, complete fear staining her face. Her silhouette was surrounded by the light of the tv in an almost angelic halo. My heart continued to storm throughout my entire system and made my ears thunder. My breath still couldn't catch up with the rest of my body and it was a battle to try and focus on getting a single inhale. I could see her mouth moving but the words weren't registering. I tried clutching at her, screaming for her to help pull me out, but my limbs were dead and it felt like she was still out of my grasp no matter if I tried or not.

“Johnny! Look at me! I need you to focus!” I heard her snap her fingers as she turned my head towards her. Her voice was finally hitting my ear drums and I blinked a few times as I came out of my confused stupor. She set one of my hands over her heart. “Do you feel the way I’m breathing? I need you to do that with me right now.”

I looked down at my hand then back up at her, still unable to speak. Beneath my fingers her heart was beating a little fast but her breaths were much more steady than my own. She inhaled, holding it for a moment before letting it go. “With me Johnny, come on. In and out.” She repeated her steady breaths and I inhaled with her. A sharp pain swam through my chest but I forced myself through it to exhale. In and out, in and out, over and over until the weight lifted off my ribs. God, i wanted to cry. This one was so much worse then the ones i had nights before. It scared me shitless. I pulled away from Eri and tried to stand up. “Hey, take it easy. Relax for a second.” She said, grabbing a hold of my arm to keep me down beside her.

“Let me go.” I said, more sternly than I should have. I didn’t know exactly what I wanted to do or how to calm down. I shook off her grip on me and went to my room, spending my time pacing like a mad man. Eventually she made her way over to the doorway, waiting for me to acknowledge her.

“Johnny…” She said softly. I shook my head, not knowing what for. Did I need space? Did I want space from her? I shook out my hands nervously, continuing my pacing. She took a tentative step towards me and tried reaching out. “Hey, I can help you through this you know.”

“You don’t-” I took another breath. “You don’t know how this feels.” My voice was a shaky mess.

“Hah,” she scoffed. “Good assumption. Trust me. I’ve had panic attacks where I went unconscious and barely remember what happened. I know what it’s like to go through something as serious as this. But you’ve got too much going on in your body right now. If you don’t take a second to stop you are literally going to make things worse.”

“I know how my fuckin’ body reacts, okay?!” I yelled. She nodded solemnly and kept quiet. I was lashing out just because I never wanted anyone to see me have a night terror. I wasn’t ready for that level of vulnerability yet, especially not with my fuck buddy that I thought about constantly and wanted to save me from myself. It was layer after layer of toxic thoughts but I just couldn’t help it. I wanted to kick her out but at the same time I wanted her to stay. I wanted her against me, i wanted her voice to keep guiding me through this. I wanted to be inside her. I wanted to drink. I wanted to smoke. I wanted to be a destructive force and I had to stop. Please, I need it to stop. “I-I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to-”

“I know, I know. Is it okay if I touch you or are you still hypersensitive?”

“Ye-yeah, it’s ok. I was just-”

“Confused, I know.” She stepped closer and grabbed onto me, gently pushing me towards the bed. I sat on the edge, my leg bouncing furiously. She took my face in her hands and guided me to look in her eyes. “I’m right here. I’m staying right here. Do you know what you need?”

“Can you get the weed out my drawer?”

“I don’t think that may be best right now.” She said.

“I literally smoke it for anxiety.”

“Yeah but...no offense- actually kind of full offense- you’re broke. You don’t get good stuff or medicinal quality shit. It’s honestly just a coping mechanism like your regular cigarettes are at this point. If you smoke enough you could probably trip but i feel like it’s going to fuck up your system. We can lay down together instead.”

“No. I’ll just get it myself.” I stood up, still unable to stay in one place for long, but she kept her small frame in front of me in hopes of blocking my every move. “Eri, move.”

“Johnny, please just hear me out-”

“Move!”

She set the sweater sleeves over her face, hiding from me completely. She finally stepped away and I could hear her small sniffles. Guilt was riddling my stomach as I went to my drawer and got out the cigarette case that held all my blunts. I lit one up, taking in a deep exhale and holding it in until it burned. “I hate seeing you like this…” She whispered.

“Yeah, well I fuckin’ hate being like this, but here we are. You can leave if you want to. Nothing’s keeping you here, especially if you don’t like what I’m doing.”

“I don’t...you need someone. I’m okay with being that someone.”

“I don’t need anyone.”

“That’s the problem in the first place Johnny. You’re closing yourself off. You have moments when you let people in but not enough for anyone to truly help you.”

“Maybe I don’t want help.” I lied.

“You do. I know you do. I know I can’t break that wall down in a day but you can trust me to be right here.”

I took another hit and kept my back towards her. We stayed in silence for a bit more while I mulled over her words. I knew what she was doing was exactly what I needed, but my defense mechanism to block out everyone was in overdrive. She was never supposed to see me this weak. No one was. I rested my elbows on top of my dressed and cradled my head in my hands. I could feel a tension headache surmounting in the back of my skull making my head pound. The shaking in my hands continued even as I puffed away. When one was done, I lit another without a moment in between, stuffing my almost full ashtray even more. Soon enough I felt her fingers grace my shoulders. The way she looked at me had me hating myself. “I don’t know what I want Eri.” My voice cracked and I took a smaller hit, trying to push back the tears that were threatening to fall.

She stood on her tiptoes, slowly moving her hands up my chest until they wrapped around my neck. I set the blunt in the ashtray and turned towards her fully setting my hands underneath her ass to pull her against me more. She kissed me then, drawn out and cautious, letting the reminder of smoke i held in flow into her mouth. Her tongue drew mines out, sucking on it deeply as her fingers danced at the nape of my neck. “This isn't good for you either.” She gasped in between the few moments of our lips parting.

“What do you mean?”

“Me.”

“You are. You're good. Too damn good for me.” I pressed my forehead against hers and begged for another kiss. She kept herself at bay, shaking her head as she moved to cup my neck.

“We shouldn't do this. It's not healthy.”

“Coming from someone who drinks and parties her problems away, i don't think either of us are fuckin’ healthy right now.”

“I try not to…” She whimpered and I realized it might have stung more than I intended. “But that's why I said I understand everything. We go through the same shit. We know when things are wrong but-”

“We keep doing them. Every time, i come back to you.”

“Yeah…” Her hand caressed my face now, her eyes flowing up towards mine to reflect every ounce of hurt I felt. “Why is fucking our solution to everything?”

I closed my eyes and grabbed a firm hold of her ass to pull her up around my waist. She wrapped her bare legs around me, squeezing me to the warmth between her thighs. I swallowed hard. “Because, nothing feels better than drowning in someone rather than dealing with pain and heartache.”

“I just want to help. I just want to make you feel better, John…” She buried her face in my neck, gripping onto me like she was going to lose me then and I led her to my bed, laying her down gently. “I don't know how else to do it, Johnny. Tell me.”

“You. Give me you.” I exhaled and pressed myself harder against her, keeping her legs wrapped around me tight. I got lost in her lips again while my hands grabbed and caressed everything I could. Her chest filled up my palm and I kneaded her breast with everlasting attention. Her tiny and barely audible moans coated my tongue as she sucked it into her mouth. My brows furrowed and i ground my hips into her center letting her know that it was exactly what I wanted. Though she looked so perfect in my hoodie I needed it off her. I reluctantly left her breast and slid my hand under the fabric, shoving it towards her shoulders. She wiggled her arms free before pulling me back down to her again. My lips covered her neck this time, flowing over the imprint I had left behind earlier.

Meanwhile, she was exploring the expanse of my back, her hands creeping lower until she grabbed my ass. The thin fabric between wasn't enough to keep her warmth or wetness away from me. If anything it drew me in more, as if i was under a spell and needed to feel how i felt just hours before. My body tensed in anticipation and i could feel myself stirring again with renewed vigor. “Let me take care of you, yeah?” She ran her fingers through my hair again, her voice a sweet invitation to pleasure. I nodded eagerly, ready to feel any and every inch of her skin against mine. She gripped my hair and used the force in her thighs to push me down on the bed, switching our positions so she was on top. I sucked in a breath, biting my lip  as I watched every move she made. My hands moved on their own accord, sliding over her thighs and grabbing a hold of the waistband of her panties. I gave her a little tug, making her fall forwards onto my chest. She planted her hand beside my head, steadying herself a bit. “You need to let me do this for you.”

“I'm letting you.” I whispered, truly believing that she was in control but she shook her head at me, snubbing me as a liar.

“No, you're not. Relax, Johnny. Don't you think i know how to treat my man?” My eyes widened at her words and my body stiffened as her lips trailed a fiery path down my throat towards my chest. I was trying to form a response but my brain faded as soon as I felt her nails drag down my ribs and her tongue flash over my nipple. I couldn’t help the curses I whispered or the fact that my hand gripped the back of her head, planting her there. The way her tongue and teeth ran over that sensitive area had me throbbing and arching towards her body. Her nails eased down from my ribs over to my stomach until they reached my pants. She pulled away from me and shuffled herself off the bed to pull them off. I lifted my hips to help her and tossed away my tank top, feeling a bit more free and less suffocated.

“What about those?” I motioned towards the simple black thong she had on. I wanted to see her again, especially as I thrusted inside her.

She shook her head. “Be patient.” She pressed herself onto her knees and spread my thighs a bit wider. I shuffled up more on the bed giving her a bit more room to comfortably stay between my legs and suck me down. My head rested back against my pillow as her lips sealed around my cock, sliding down my shaft and covering my veins in her tongue. She was driving strangled pants out of me already and I couldn't help but dig my hand into her curls again. Her hands rubbed my inner thighs, spreading warmth over them before maneuvering down to cup my balls. Her thumb rolled over each one, adding pressure every so often as her cheeks started to hollow out around as much as she could handle. I licked my lips and tried to keep as quiet as I could but this was bliss.

She popped off my cock and planted kisses to the underside of my shaft. Her mouth went lower and her tongue traced the same pattern her thumbs had across my balls. One after the other she took them into her warm wet heat and I pulled at her hair hard, wanting to fill her mouth entirely. She whimpered, the small timbre making me shudder and ease out her name within a groan. “Fuck...Eri…”

I wasn't even looking down at her but I could feel those dark eyes on me, watching my every breath and tense of my muscles. My hips could only try and press up towards her lips though she denied that satisfaction. She moved even lower, kissing and adding heated kitten licks to the sensitive area behind my balls. My body shot up, my legs tensing completely. She looked up at me innocently enough, her ass poised in the air and lips glistening. “Relax, it feels good. Trust me.”

“What is it?” I swallowed thickly.

She smirked and almost giggled. “Don’t worry.” She set her hand on my chest and pushed me back down onto the mattress while her other fingers danced across that sensitive patch of skin she had discovered. My thighs almost bucked closed but she made sure she could keep them open. She kept her place between them, taking me in her mouth again. The combination of her teasing and deep sucks made me cover my mouth to shield any loud moans from escaping. My other hand left her hair to clutch at the sheets beside me, trembling as I fisted them tight. Her tongue slid over my slit, dipping in and drawing out the bit of pre cum already leaking. I felt a throb straight through my length. It made my toes curl and my back arch a bit. I could feel my orgasm approaching and I didn’t want it to end just yet.

“Eri!”

She jumped up, licking her lips and looking at me wide eyed. “W-what?”

“N-not...um, not yet.”

She smiled and crawled her way up to my face. “Don’t worry, you’ll be inside me when you do.”

“F-fuck…” I shuddered at her words and kissed her hard, letting her wrap her delicate fingers around me and give a few pulls to my already heated and sensitive cock. I set my hand on her ass, grabbing a hold of her stupid panties and tearing at them. “N-need...now.”

She wiggled out of them, kicking them off her ankle before beckoning me on top of her. Her wish was my command and soon enough I was looking down at her as her lip stayed trapped between her teeth and she guided me in. “Slow,” She whispered. “I’m still a bit sore from earlier.”

I nodded and sunk into her heated depths. I loved the way she wrapped around me, suffocated me, letting me go as deep as I could. I set my head beside hers on the pillow, adding small kisses to her shoulder and collar bone. I heard her wince as I started my first thrust, making me stop. “Sssh, daddy’s got you.” Wait, whoa fuck. I pressed my lips together, my body frozen. Shit, i really said that. But Eri didn’t seem at all embarrassed unlike I was. Instead, she wrapped her arms under my own, spreading her fingers across my shoulder blades as she held on. If she wasn’t going to acknowledge it then I would pretend it never happened either.

“Keep going…” She said. “Please…”

This was what she wanted then. She liked what i had said and the fact that I needed her this much. Maybe she needed me as much as I needed her. Maybe we were made for each other. I shook my head and sunk my teeth into her shoulder, her pained whimper filling my ear. I kept my thrusts slow and steady even though i wanted to fuck all these intrusive thoughts away. I didn't have time to think about this. It's just a fuck, Johnny. A fuck you need to put your mind at ease and get back to sleep. It's...it's just a…

My need to tear through her at a fast pace dwindled as i realized how much the gentleness was worth it. I pulled away from her shoulder and looked at her, amazed by how fucking stunning she was. Her full lips were pouted open just enough to let the softest of mewls fill the space between us. Her hair spread across the pillows like a crown of amethyst and her beautifully rich skin glowed with a pink flush. Though her makeup was a mess she still seemed...beautiful. I was thankful her eyes were closed because she wouldn't be able to see the shock on my face. God, my head was swimming and she was devouring me. I was only getting weaker against her and she was everything I wanted.

“It's ok now,” she cooed once she felt my body pause. Her knee slipped from around my waist towards my ribs letting me sink in almost to the hilt. “You can go a little faster.”

“I don't want to hurt you.” I finally said. My voice was trembling.

She shook her head. “It won't now, baby. Trust me. I want to feel you cum.”

“I-inside?”

She buried her face against my shoulder and I could barely make out her whisper. “Just cum, okay?”

I nodded and finally sped up my thrusts getting a bit more relief than when i was going slow and feeling every painstakingly good thing about her. Her sweet little moans were driving me crazy and i kissed her again just to try and keep her quiet. I buried my fingers in her hair, forcing her head to stay close. I was afraid now, more than ever. Sometimes fear was just a reflection of what we truly desired and i was afraid of the love she was giving me. The tenderness, the worry, the support, the protection. It was all I ever wanted and now that I had it i didnt know what to do with it but push it away. The insecure thoughts in my mind reminded me that I wasn't going to be able to escape this feeling. It was solidified when my lips pulled from hers and I could see her head tossed back against the pillows. Her body was arched perfectly against me as if we were molded together. My name was the only thing she could say beside ‘please’ and it brought me closer to finishing. My hand gripped the edge of the mattress and i used the leverage to fuck her harder.

She stretched around me, her nails digging fast tracks into my skin. I knew I was close but I wanted to spend every last moment up until the end inside her. Her muscles were flexing around me making my breath fade into non existence. My body tensed and melted at the same time and i managed to slide away from her warmth. I couldn't help the groan i let out as spurt after spurt painted her inner thighs and heated center. I kept my hold on the mattress so tight I was sure my knuckles were going white. It took a few minutes for me to ground myself and fully relax. I settled my head on her chest, listening to her heartbeat echo in my ears. “You ok?” She whispered.

No. On a lot of levels I was not. Even now that I had worked out some of the anxiety that sent my body into a hyper fit I still wasn't okay. I didn't know how to express that to her exactly especially since part of the reason that I wasn't okay was because i realized all too late that I may feel something deeper for her than I had ever imagined. The sex was supposed to be a cure all but now it just made me want to hide. It was too intimate and real way too fast. Why don't i ever listen to the rational side of my brain?

“Johnny?”

“What?” I grumbled, mad at myself.

She kissed the top of my head and wrapped her hand around mine. “If you can't sleep or don’t want to I’ll stay up with you.”

I sighed and rolled off her, rubbing both my hands across my face. “Nah, it’s chill. Go to sleep. I’ll be fine or whatever.”

“You don’t sound fine.” She said sadly.

“It’s not you, it’s me.”

“Wow, great. As if anything good ever came from that sentence being uttered between two people.”

“I’m serious, my heads just still all fucked up. Thinking about a lot of shit still.”

“I know I could tell...butttt you seemed pretty eager to fuck me again. Especially now that im covered in your cum.”

I couldn't help but laugh a bit. “I'm always eager to fuck you.” I admitted.

“Well duh. I'm great in the sack.” She cuddled against me and placed a kiss on my cheek. I was kicking myself the entire time but there was a bigger voice saying fuck it. Fuck the complicated ass feelings. If you could be happy for one night, one day, then do it. I deserved it. I'm going back to having fun.

“You didn't cum.” I said suddenly with my newfound realization and motivation.

She kissed my neck this time. “Don't care. It was about you, daddy.”

That damn word again. I hadn't even had a chance to relax and I was getting worked up again. “I care. I want you to feel good too. I was being kind of selfish.”

She shook her head. “I'm telling you, you did exactly what I wanted. I wanted you inside me and I wanted you to cum and feel good.”

“Get on top of me.” I commanded.

“Johnny you seriously-”

“Princess, do you think i'm joking? Get on top of me.”

Her cheeks flared up again and her mouth hung open a little. “I...um...o-okay.” She kept her head low as she crawled back over my hips.

“Fuck yourself on me. Now.”

“You sure? I-i mean, you just came so like...you'll be really sensitive and -Ah!!” I cut off her sentence with a slap to her thigh.

“Do it, Eri. I’m over these fucking feelings eating me up and I’ll be damned if it keeps happening and ruining my time with you-with anyone.”

She let out a cute whimper and lifted her hips up a bit. She guided my still mostly hard cock towards her entrance and sunk down slowly. I hissed harshly, squeezing my eyes shut tight as her body completely overwhelmed my sensitivity. I had never felt anything like this before. She hadn’t even started moving and I already felt like I was going to cum again. I tried to steady my breathing that was building rapidly. It almost felt as intense as my anxiety attack but this was one hell of a way for my body to react. I clawed at her hips, leaving my own marks behind as she began working her ass against me. This was exactly what I needed. My mind was a fucked out mess, only being able to concentrate on how good she felt instead of everything else and my body couldn’t keep up.

We were getting lost in each other and it seemed never ending. A rough grind here, a thrust there, our hands never straying away from one another. Her neck disappeared in my palm and she pressed her thumb against my throat testing the waters of my shaking frame. She was practically saying my new found title like a prayer, over and over as if it was going to tether her to some holy plane. I could barely manage any sounds. My voice was nonexistent though I wanted to scream for her. I wanted her to know that i was losing myself and never wanted to resurface. Her thighs quivered then, her tiny fingers clutching at my neck tighter.

Her moans were becoming rougher and more staggered until she finally came like i wanted. She fell forward onto me, burying her face in my chest as small shivers went throughout her system. It was enough to make my body react, reaching another orgasm that shocked the hell out of me. I had never got off more than once in such a short time frame. It was more intense and a bit longer than before and fuck it felt amazing. I didnt know i was even capable of doing that. “H-holy fuck…” i finally managed to say. “Eri, what the fuck did you do to me?”

She was so deep in my chest that her voice was muffled. “I'm guessing you found out that guys can have multiple orgasms without cumming, huh?”

“Oh my god...since when?”

She snorted. “It takes some practice and getting used to but it's possible. They don't teach you that shit in sex ed.”

I pushed my hair back and wiped at the sweat across my forehead. “Jesus…”

“Welcome to my,” her sentence was interrupted with a yawn. “World.”

I kissed her forehead and set my arms around her shoulder as i tried to process everything that happened between us. “Sleep, ok?”

“‘M sticky…” she mumbled.

Right. Fuck. My body felt like a sack of bricks but i parted from her gently and slowly worked my way to the bathroom, grabbing my towel from the back of my door. The apartment was still quiet and the automatic timer on the tv had shut it off leaving everything is darkness. I didn't even know if Jae had come home. I'd have to check my phone to see if he had texted me at some point. I managed to not trip on anything getting to the bathroom sink and wet the towel. Briefly i looked at myself in the mirror. My hair was sticking up in random places, lipstick smeared on my mouth and neck, and my eyes red. I splashed some water on my face and washed away the lipstick before heading back to my room.

Eri was splayed out in bed, her chest rising and falling gently. I realized she had already fallen asleep. I smiled as I took in her soft features and the way her lips pouted ever so slightly. I didn't want to disturb her so i cleaned her up as best as I could, ridding her of my leftover cum. When i was satisfied with my own cleanup i dove back into bed, setting my arm around her waist. I was afraid of falling back asleep but as soon as my head hit the pillow I was out, faded, satiated, and reminiscing on feelings I shouldn't be having.

--

When I woke up it was already later in the evening. My body was still sore and tired but also starving. My hunger got the best of me and I needed something soon. I rubbed at my eyes, blinking a few times to see that Eri was still being my little spoon. I pressed a kiss between her shoulder blades and sighed contently. I felt...good. Like really good. Like a fog had been lifted from my mind. For the first time in a month i felt like I could breathe easier and was happy to be alive. This was exactly what i needed. I tried sitting up a bit so i could prepare myself to start functioning but I noticed I was trapped inside her.

When the hell did that happen?

I dont remember us fooling around after we passed out, let alone getting hard enough again to stay inside her. Her warmth feel so good, even better when she shifted and backed herself up against me more. A soft sigh fell from her lips and I wondered if I should finish whatever the hell I had started. No. If i did she would keep me in this bed all damn day and I'd never get anything done. Slowly, I parted from her, biting my lip at the heated wetness that coated my cock still. I could grab a quick shower and take care of it then. I left her in bed and went about getting a shower (and jerk off session) in, scrubbing away a day and a half's worth of sweat and sex. I got on a fresh pair of pj pants and popped in my airpods, putting on my spotify list and heading to the kitchen.

There was about a half dozen texts from Jae and the group chat had blown up with about 50 messages, mostly from Yuta. Afterall he was there right in the thick of it and apparently was arguing with T.Y. for kicking Eri out. I didn't want to think about that now and only answered Jae letting him know that I was at the apartment. I worked through the fridge, getting what wasn't spoiled and remotely related to breakfast food out to start cooking. The music hit me as i was beating some eggs and i started dancing and singing along. I was enjoying it way too much and it was the best feeling ever.

In the middle of turning my omelet over I felt hands slide over my hip bones, resting beneath the band of my pajamas pants. Looking over my shoulder i could see Eri pressed into my back nuzzling against my skin. I set my omelet on a plate and popped out an airpod. I turned around and grabbed her waist, keeping her against me. She smiled and wrapped her arms around my neck making us press our forehead together. I was still grooving to the music, making her sway with me as she giggled. “What’s gotten into you this morning-afternoon-thing?”

“Don’t know,” I hummed a bit. “Just don’t feel as shitty right now.”

“Ohh, aren’t those less depression days nice? Makes you not feel like dying as much.”

I nodded and closed my eyes, just liking the way she felt against me. “Oh baby, maybe it's that look in your eyes. They been telling me she wanna leave. She's been dancing with the devil all night. it's like Hell is where she wanna be…” My own little concert was cut short when i felt her hit my chest hard. “Ouch, what the hell?!”

“You never told me you could sing you-you-stupid hot bastard!” She exclaimed.

“Oh...I’m more than just a dick you know.”

“EXCUSE?! You of all people saying that! I should hit you again!”

“Please don’t.”

“Oh, fuck...oh my god. I didn’t mean-”

“I know.” I shrugged. “But I was joking, mostly. Just kinda feeling the song you know? Been listening to it on repeat and I finally feel good about music again.” I said.

“Will you sing for me some more?”

“Only if you’ll sing for me.”

“Well,” She laughed. “If you want me to scream in your face I will most certainly do that. But that’s all you get from me.”

“Oh right, your emo-screamo-twig bands. Serenade me with your lyrics about death and stabbing and going against the man.”

“As long as you serenade me about taking drugs and fucking girls because ‘i’m into it’.”

I leaned back against the counter, smirking a bit. “You listen to them too?”

“I listen to a lot of things.” She stood on her tiptoes and gave me a kiss. “I’m more than just a dick you know.”

I rolled my eyes and chuckled. “You’re fucking weird.” I grabbed her ass that I loved so much and pulled her up for a deeper kiss. She wasted no time sliding my tongue past my teeth and I could taste the fresh mintiness of my mouthwash on her. I slid my hands up my hoodie she had put on again, exposing her ass completely and about ready to fuck her on the counter, food forgotten. That was until i heard a throat clear behind us.

Eri and I separated and adjusted ourselves before turning around to see Quinn standing in the kitchen. “Well sorry to interrupt you guys tongue fucking each other's mouths but now that you're up I can finally give Eri their phone.”

“My-? Fuck, i didn't even notice! Where was it?” Eri said.

“You left it in Taeyong's bathroom. After the kinda fight thing happened and you left, Jae and I were worried about where you and Johnny might have gone off too. I luckily found it when i was trying to call you.” She handed it over to Eri. “We got to and realized that you  the apartment around 3 am and realized you guys were here because of all the ‘oh daddy’, ‘daddy, yes! Please!’ getting screamed.”

Eri and I both stood up straighter, our faces crimson and heated. “I-i...i dont know what you're talking about!” Eri tried to lie.

“Don't bother trying to cover it up. You're getting louder, Eri.”

Eri hit Quinn with the fabric of the hoodie sleeve, making Quinn laugh amidst her incessant teasing. I didn't realize that we could be heard fucking. It wasn't something i was really used to with Eri. I could handle people hearing us moan but definitely not her saying...that. I didn't want people to know about that part of us just yet-or even at all. It was way too private. “I'm gonna kill you, Quinn, I swear it!” Eri exclaimed.

“Don't get so touchy! It was kinda hot listening to you guys.”

“You listened?!” I said. “What the hell, Quinn?!”

She just shrugged. “Ya’ll were being loud! Not like I had a choice! Anyway, Eri, Yuta has been blowing up your phone so you should check in with him. And Mama Doyoung wants to talk to you asap.”

“Fuck.” Eri whispered. “Doyoung is gonna kill me. Shit, I have to call him right now.”

“Why would Doyoung kill you?” I asked.

“It’s...nevermind. I may have to go see him.”

“Oh, also, one more thing.” Quinn started. “Jae and I are going to get boba this week.”

“I love boba!” Eri interrupted.

“I know. That’s why you and Johnny are going on a double date with us.”

“Whoa, wait what?!” I couldn’t help that my voice went up a few levels. “I dont- we are not dating or going out on dates!”

“Uh- huh so anyway, if ya’ll aren’t working Wednesday, we’re going then.”

Eri looked at Quinn then at me. “Uh...um...well...it’s not like a date-date, right? Friends get boba all the time. We get boba with Lucas and Yuta! Those aren’t dates.”

“Ok, whatever you wanna say. We’re going on a double date. So like be ready. I’m gonna go back to bed. I’m too tired.” Quinn gave Eri a kiss that lasted a little bit longer than I preferred. “Let me know how it goes with Doyoung, ok?”

Eri sighed and let Quinn leave, watching as she closed to door to Jae’s room before turning to me. “I’m so sorry. Quinn gets weird when they’re cranky and tired, ignore that. We’re not going on a date.”

I stayed quiet for a moment. “Do you always let Quinn kiss you like that?”

“Uh, what? Well, like...for the most part. Why?”

“Hmm.” My hands gripped tighter around the edge of the counter. Was I actually jealous or was Quinn just annoying me as usual? Eri looked up at me as I spaced out in my thoughts.

“Do you...not like that or something?”

“I mean, you can do whatever you want with your life. Go see Doyoung or whatever too.”

“Johnny, are you jealous?” She asked.

“Why would I be? You got shit to do, it’s fine.”

She cupped my face in her hand and made me look at her even though I didn’t want to.

“I’ll come back if I can, ok? Maybe…” She kissed my neck and trailed the kisses up to my ear. “We can sleep with you inside me again? Like this morning?”

I bit my lip, hating how good that sounded. There was no reason for me to feel all kinds of weird jealousy. I knew I fuckin’ had her in the palm of my hand. “Yeah...yeah, babe. Sounds good.”

She gave me a small bite beneath my jaw. I could feel the mark she was leaving behind already surfacing. I winced for a second before nudging my head away. “I’ll try and be quick okay?”

I just nodded and turned back to my omelet, grabbing a fork to stab into it. Eri went back to my room, probably to gather her discarded halloween outfit. I noticed she was keeping my hoodie on with her skirt and thigh highs instead of all the straps and shit she wore. She didn’t say anything about borrowing it or even about asking to keep it and neither did I. When she got to the door she gave me a little wave and before she left I called out to her.

“Hey, Eri?”

“Yeah?”

“I’ll go on that date with you.”

--

Eri’s Pov

I got home and showered so I didn't completely smell like weed, body spray and sex before I went to go see Doyoung. I was so tired and worn out. I felt like my whole damn uterus was about to fall out and i was all kinds of fucked up over Johnny. He was doing shit to me that I never thought was possible. I set my head against the shower wall and sighed, letting the hot water run over me. The scratches he left behind were a little bit deeper than i thought and stung under the spray. I didn't want Doyoung to see any of the marks I had since i was almost 1000% sure he was going to grill me about Johnny. I sighed as i stepped out and dried myself off. I didn't have time to deep condition my hair so it was about to be on the hot mess express and not be ready for work tomorrow. I tied it up in a bun and went to my room to pull on some fresh clothes. I looked over at Johnny's hoodie that remained discarded on my bed and bit my lip as i pulled it close. I hugged it to my chest and nuzzled the hood, taking in the smell of it. It was just like his flannel that day, warm and musky. The cologne was faded and more so smelled like him. It was perfect. Maybe when I went back to see him I would give him the flannel. After I washed it it started smelling like springtime freshness instead of him.

I pulled the hoodie on, realizing I didn't have that much time to spare. I texted Doyoung that I was on my way and left for my car. When i got to his tiny dorm room he yanked me and almost threw me on his bed. “1. What the hell, you haven't talked to me in forever!” I went to reply but he cut me off. “2. What is going on with you, Eri? I'm hearing all this shit about you and I don't even know what's up from down! 3. Did i or did I not say DONT hook up with Johnny?!”

I sighed and flopped on the bed. “Hello to you too, Doyoung.”

“Eri. Start talking.”

I told him almost everything; the hookup at the party, how we have class together, when we fucked in the bathroom, the racist prick at the beach, the bumper car, how gentle Johnny could be and that he had bad things happen to him that he didn't deserve. I didn't go into specifics about Johnny's assault or anxiety attacks; it wasn't my place to do so and I would never betray his trust like that. “He can be an asshole sometimes but he...he has a lot going on.”

“So that justifies his behaviors?”

“Of course not! I'm just saying...he isn't all bad. You cant judge someone for sleeping around when I do the same and you care about me.”

“I know that Eri.” Doyoung sighed and sat beside me. “I worry about you. I heard about a fight at Taeyongs party?”

“It wasn't a fight, but trust me I was ready to take my gauges out and end her. What happened was that this girl, this….monster, she was-” I licked my lips and took a deep breath. “She was just not a good person and I had to help Johnny get away from her.”

“Get away from her? What do you mean?”

“There's things that I can't talk about. They aren't my place to talk about. He trusted me with these things and-and all you need to know is that I would've probably gone to jail for him.”

“Oh my god Eri…”

“What?”

“You're in love with him.”

I shot up from the bed. “KIM DOYOUNG WHAT THE HELL?”

“It makes sense now. The way you guys acted at the beach, when you, unfortunately, described in detail how you guys hooked up, and now you wanting to protect him? And-” he looked at my phone as a notification came in. “Who is Heart-Heart-Big Dick Daddy-Heart-Heart?”

“What?” I looked down and unlocked my phone. When i opened the message it was a picture of Johnny with the edge of my panties between his teeth. The accompanying message was ‘forgot something?😏’. My entire face lit up and i realized Doyoung had seen it to.

“Ya'll are nasty.” He stated flatly.

“I-! It was Quinn! They took my phone because i left it at the party! His name was Johnny in the contacts before!”

“And your underwear in his mouth is-?”

I stood quiet for a moment. “Ok, we know I make bad decisions, it's not rocket science. However, i am not in love with him. I can't. I won't ever be. You know that I can't.”

“Eri, that was literally almost three years ago. It was a mistake but it doesn't automatically prohibit you from ever being capable of falling in love again.”

“It does, Doyoung because I know that I fucked up and i can never take that back. I can't risk hurting anyone again and have it on my conscious. It already haunts me every day.”

“You need to stop letting it eat at you. What happened with Jungwoo could've happened with anyone.”

“Yeah but I picked the sweetest boy in the entire world to hurt. He didn't deserve it. And i don't deserve to have someone like that in my life again.”

Doyoung sighed. “Stop thinking that way. Making a mistake doesn't make you worthless. Besides you need to face the truth if that’s what's going on now. As much as i don't approve of him, you need to come to terms with the fact that you feel something for him. It's written all over your face.”

“It is not! Please stop saying that! It's not true! It's not!” I could feel my heart clench as my breath stuttered in my lungs. The thought of love sent me into a panic. It made me think of how I ran away from it all. The pain, the doubt, the fear. It was hitting me all at once again and attacking me like some sort of monster. I felt Doyoung wrap his arms around me and set my head on his chest. His chin rested on the top of my head.

“Eri, please. It doesn't have to be this way. You don't have to close yourself shut. You have love for so many people. You have the biggest heart and are always the first to protect us over anything. You have the ability to love wholeheartedly. Why is that so scary?”

“I'm not worth it...and i know you're going to tell me I am but i'm not. Before Jungwoo, my ex in high school who I spent years together with lied to my face about loving me. She said she never did the whole time we were together, Then i get to college, meet Jungwoo and became no better than her.”

“That's not true. You did love him you just…” he sighed. “I don't know how else to make you see that you deserve to be happy. Do you really care about Johnny?”

I sniffled and nodded my head silently.

“And he trusted you to reveal of whatever happened to him. He let you seem him in a state of vulnerability, right?”

I nodded again.

“Well i'm glad he has some fucking semblance of humanity and isn't just a regular fuck boy.” Doyoung kissed the top of my head. “I want you to know that I'll protect you too, ok? If he ever so much as hurts you then he'll be dead. Also if he does care about you then i don't want you to be afraid anymore. You have to face it some day and it may be sooner than you think.”

I buried my face in his chest as the beginning tears started falling. Fuck, if he wasn't right. I was still running away from things that I hadn't been able to get over. If this went any farther with Johnny would I end up hurting him too? He was the last person that deserved any more hurt. I wanted to see him smile more, dance more, sing more, have fun cooking and goofing off. I wanted us to share thousands of kisses and feel the way his heart beat beneath my fingers when I curled up against him. I wanted to be the one to support him and bring that smile to his face. I couldn't cure his depression or anxiety but I wanted to be maybe the tiniest glimmer of hope he had in knowing that he wasn't alone. We were two imperfect asteroids and when we collided sparks flew within our little galaxy and made waves of colors that represented our feelings for one another. What feelings were we even having anyway? Was it all one sided? That was another fear I couldn't face just yet. What if all this time, as i was tearing my wall down to let him in, he never felt anything at all for me. I could still probably be some hook up to him, something meaningless and unworthy as usual.

I couldn't help that I was crying harder and Doyoung didn't question any of it. He let me have my time knowing that this ate me alive and destroyed me. It was my biggest weakness and regret all compiled into one and spread like weeds to anything new I tried to let into my life. Worst of all, in the pit of my heart I knew that he was absolutely right. I was falling in love with Johnny.

[shirtlesssammy]

5x11: Sam, Interrupted

Then:

Chuck wrote some Grade A bullshit back in the day

Now:

At Glenwood Springs Psychiatric Hospital, a doctor meets with a patient, Susan, who’s reluctant to take her medicine. They make her sleepy and if she sleeps, the monster comes. It already killed her roommate. The doctor dismisses her concerns with a definitive, “There’s no such thing as monsters.” Later that night, she’s alone in the dark in her locked room. She hears noises in the ceiling, something starts unscrewing the grate, and the hospital staff ignore her cries for help. The next morning, a nurse finds her dead on the floor, wrists slashed.

Later, the Van Halen brothers are at the same psychiatric hospital. It seems Edward Alex is a bit

(Uh, the paperwork said Edward was the patient but the doctor just called Sam Alex…) Anyway, Alex IS FINE. He’s just a little depressed because he started the apocalypse. So what, so he killed a demon named Lilith and now Lucifer is free. So now him, his brother, and an angel are going to stop it. Edward insists that it’s not his brother’s fault and then he jumps into how another demon, Ruby, got him addicted to demon blood. He’s not evil. Eddie would really like the doc to fix up his brother so they can “get back to traveling around the country and hunting monsters.” (Sidenote: I have to admit, this whole scene is me trying to explain to any friend the show I dedicate 98% of my life to.)

Thanks to Dean’s compelling plea for Dr. Fuller to fix his brother, they both get to spend a couple of days at the hospital. Dean’s smug little grin at that is so cute. His grin is not so smug after a thorough checking in process.

It seems that they’re there not just because of the case, but because, Martin, an old hunter friend of John’s is there. Before finding him, the brothers take a quick moment to touch on just losing Jo and Ellen. Sam wants to keep working (WHOA, Sam likes to power through heavy stuff?? No way!) Dean doesn’t want to talk about it (WHOA, Dean likes to bury his emotions?) They find Martin, who tells them there have been 5 deaths in the past four months --the doctors are labeling them all as suicides, but he knows they’re wrong. He just doesn’t know what they’re up against.

Dr. Fuller finds the three of them talking and invites Alex and Martin to group.

He tells Eddie that he can go to afternoon group because he finds the brother’s relationship “dangerously codependent.” LOL. (I sense Andrew Dabb was itching to be showrunner way back in season 5 just to break this spiral.)

Once in group, another patient, Ted, wants to talk about the monster in the hospital. Dr. Fuller thinks this isn’t a good idea. Ted saw the monster though. Dr. Fuller threatens Ted and so Ted quiets down, but not before Sam is aware of the situation.

Dean, meanwhile, is playing a game of checkers all alone (and seems to be having a great time!) Dr. Erica Cartwright introduces herself as Eddie’s new shrink. They sit down and Dean does his best Hannibal impression (I do so love a boy and his pop culture references.) Then they get down to asking each other questions. Dr. Cartwright learns that Dean doesn’t sleep much, he hunts demons, he drinks A LOT, and he’s never been in a relationship longer than two months. Dean learns there hasn’t been anything strange associated with the deaths and demons or ghosts don’t seem to be the issue. (Boy she learned a lot more about him than he learned about the murders! Hmmm.) And then we cut away before we learn about Dean’s feelings on his father.

Sam finds Dean later and they agree to talk to Ted about the deaths. Dean wants out ASAP. Then another patient surprises him with a kiss (and he’s not pushing away from it….Uh, Dean, Please Stop.)

That night, they head to Ted’s room while the nurses are on rounds. Before they can jimmy the door open, Ted starts screaming, and it’s clear something is attacking him in his room. They bust open the door, but it’s too late. Ted is hanging from a bedsheet on his ceiling.

Later, they’re at the hospital morgue inspecting the body. Sam finds a puncture mark on the neck that goes all the way to his brain.

Sam decides they need to do an autopsy. While Dean keeps watch, Sam saws off the man’s skull to find a dried husk of a brain inside. Dean hears a noise and rushes in to warn his brother. They reassemble the body, but have no time to do anything else before the nurse finds them.

Dean drops trou and exclaims, “Pudding!” The nurse tells them to come with her. Crazy works.

They reconvene with Martin to discuss what their intel might reveal. Martin says they’re dealing with a wraith. So how do they handle it? Silver. They can pass as humans though. They can only see a wraith in a mirror.

Dean takes up guard near a hall security mirror. Dr. Cartwright comes to visit him again.

Dean tells her that he’s hunting a wraith.

Important Dialog Alert:

DR. CARTWRIGHT: Why you?

DEAN: Why me, what?

DR. CARTWRIGHT: Why do you have to hunt monsters? Why not let someone else do it?

DEAN: Can't find anybody else that dumb. It's my job. Somebody's gotta save people's asses, yours included.

DR. CARTWRIGHT: So, is there a quota? How many people do you have to save?

DEAN: All of them.

DR. CARTWRIGHT: All of them? You think you have to save everyone?

DEAN: Yep. Whole wide world of sports.

DR. CARTWRIGHT: How? Believe me, whatever you've got, I've heard weirder.

DEAN: It's the end of the world, okay? I mean, it's a damn Biblical apocalypse, and if I don't stop it and save everyone, then no one will, and we all die.

DR. CARTWRIGHT: That's horrible.

DEAN: Yeah, tell me about it.

DR. CARTWRIGHT: I mean, apocalypse or no apocalypse...monsters or no monsters, that's a crushing weight to have on your shoulders. To feel like six billion lives depend on you...God...how do you get up in the morning?

DEAN: That's a good question.

(Spoiler: This is Dean talking to himself here!!!)

Just then Dr. Fuller walks by and Dean sees that he’s the wraith!

Under the cover of night, Dean and Sam get ready to hunt Dr. Fuller. They’ve got silver-plated spikes raided from nurses’s stations. Time to head to battle! They’re interrupted by Wendy, who kisses Sam this time and moves on just as fast. Ooookay. Nothing like an assault with weird consent issues everywhere to start your night off…uncomfortably. (God, that’s such an understatement, really.)

Martin panics to hear that he’s expected to take part in the hunt and takes off. Sam and Dean split up. Sam inches down a dark hallway and finds Dr. Fuller walking down the hall. (Side note: do these doctors live here? Take an evening off, my dudes.) Sam slashes at him with the silver tool and struggles against the orderlies who jump on him, breaking free and making a run for the doctor. Martin stops Sam from stabbing Dr. Fuller at the last minute because the cut on the doctor’s arm isn’t burning. He’s human!

Oops.

A little while later, Dean finds Sam in his room. Sam is EXTREMELY drugged. “You always were a happy drunk,” Dean says, resigned. They talk about how the doctor isn’t a wraith, but Dean saw his wraithy face as clear as day. Sam proposes that they’ve both gone a little crazy. In fact, supportive little brother moose tells his brother that Dean has been “half crazy for a long time.” Accurate, but also words hurt, Sam. No!filter Sam thinks his brother has finally lost it. Dean is…unamused.

“I made a mistake,” Dean admits through a clenched jaw. But he’s gonna find the wraith and fix everything. Hey! Who wants to imagine this line repeated with his Dad over and over and over again?

“It’s okay,” Sam says, “because you’re my brother and I still love you.” Then he boops him on the nose. Awwww Sam, you’re too precious for this world.

Dr. Cartwright finds Dean in the hallway, and grills him about his “monster hunt.” She tells him he’s crushing himself under his self-assigned burden of guilt. “You can’t save everybody. You can’t.” Somebody…really needs to tattoo this on Dean’s hand or something. Maybe print it on a bumper sticker?

The hallway therapy session quickly turns from insightful to accusatory. “These days you can’t save anybody,” she accuses him. She brings up Ellen, Jo, Lucifer, Lilith, his slide into torture in Hell. YIKES. The doctor quickly eviscerates Dean’s very fragile self-worth. An orderly interrupts to tell Dean to calm down as he starts to shout. Dr. Cartwright grows even more insidious, pleased with Dean’s reaction to all her terrible insider knowledge. Dean asks the orderly who the doctor is but, uh, the orderly can’t see her at all. Dean’s the only one who has ever been able to see Dr. Erica Cartwright. Ooooh dear. Dean Bean.

While Dean walks through the hallway, he sees wraiths in every reflection. We end a scene which began with him striding purposefully down the hall hunting monsters with him cowered in a corner, absolutely surrounded by visions of them.

Meanwhile, Sam and Dr. Fuller talk. Sam apologizes for attacking the doctor and orderlies. The doctor’s merciful, letting him stay in the lower security ward. In return, Sam tells him that he realized there’s no such thing as monsters. The doctor, rather unhelpfully in my opinion, tells Sam that he’s got incredibly massive anger issues and the rage transforms him into something barely recognizable as human. That’s…a lot to unpack, Dr. Fuller. Also, pretty sure telling a patient he wasn’t acting like a human isn’t in the standard manual.

In the common room, Dean confronts Sam, telling him that Sam is the root of all the bad things that happened with their family and the apocalypse. Sam starts to punch invisible people, then visible people when orderlies try to restrain him. Meanwhile, Dean sits alone, hunched and small in a corner of the common room. “What’s happening?” he says in a small voice. “What’s happening?”

Later that night, Dean breaks into Martin’s room. “Crazy is the clue,” a severely distressed Dean tells him. Because both he and Sam started seeing things at the same time, he thinks they’ve been infected or controlled by something. He begs Martin for some clarity and while they’re clearly both struggling with grasping reality, they both agree that a monster that feeds on brains could also probably make somebody go insane. “Maybe it’s the ghost of my dad,” Dean digresses in a small voice, breaking my goddamn heart.

“Focus!” Martin commands. ERRHEM yeah, I’m fine. Dean thinks that kissy-face Wendy might be the wraith since she exchanged fluids with both Winchesters. Dean tippy toes with Martin to Wendy’s room (he can’t step on the cracks, guys!).

There’s a scream!

In Wendy’s room, she’s lying on her bed with slit wrists while the nurse smiles over her. The nurse’s reflection is a wraith. “Is this real?” Dean asks, pleadingly. Yes bby. The nurse pulls out her little brain-sucking blade and licks it. Uuuuh gross.

The nurse sics two orderlies on Dean and Martin. Dean has some seriously big problems focusing on the world around him but he manages to evade the orderlies and stumble down the hallway. He follows a trail of blood.

Sam’s tied up in a padded room, totally strapped to a thin hospital bed. UGH, this is a terrible hospital. Get out while you still can, Martin! The nurse bursts in and tells Sam that she figured out they were hunters immediately - on account of the whole “We’re monster hunters” cover story they used. I mean, fair, right?

She tells Sam that she loves overly hormonal brains - like those mid-breakdown - because of the flavor. It’s like a heavily-seasoned crock pot meal, I guess. She doesn’t plant any thoughts or motivations - just amps up whatever’s there already. So Dean unraveling at the seams, the weight of the world crushing him flat is all cooked from his own mind. And Sam is angry at everything because he’s...angry at everything. She unsheathes her sucker spike to feed on Sam when Dean bursts in. Unfortunately for her, Dean’s been fighting in mental breakdown mode for months or years now so he fights through his confusion and vision problems and wins the fight, killing the wraith.

The effects of the wraith’s poison wear off instantly and Dean and Sam make a run for freedom. At the Impala, Dean asks Sam if he’s okay. That’s…a loaded question. Dean wants to head out so he can get a drink…or twelve. (Dean bby.) Sam confesses that the anger he felt in the hospital IS completely real and he’s felt that way his entire life. Oh, Sam bby. “You’re gonna take all that crap,” Dean counsels in his best angry counselor voice, “and you’re gonna bury it.” That’s…not the best advice. Oh, these two. They drive off, a little more scarred, a little more broken.

Nurse Quoted, I Presume?

No, no, his name’s Castiel. He wears a trench coat.

Alright, look, Nurse Ratched, let's get one thing straight. I've seen Cuckoo's Nest, so don't try any of that soul-crushing, authoritarian crap on me.

The relationship that you have with your brother seems dangerously codependent. I think a little time apart will do you both good.

You think you have to save everyone?

It's spectacu-lacular.

Is this real?

Want to read more? Check out our Recap Archive! 

[jdmainman123]

The problem with the integration that's making me angry you keep on grabbing my balls and forcing me to look up at new recruits sent here specifically with my picture on Twitter and a post that I made a long time ago I think it was a racist comment or a comment about Walmart I can't remember which one

And the integration keeps on forcing me to look up at him and here's the problem it's a black skin faces FOR 30 DAYS THEY'VE BEEN TRYING TO GROSS ME OUT HERE IN MISSISSIPPI and and I think it's because of the there can't be girls outside with these black skin men because the white skin girls knew every answer new every antidote and they had jokes

And that was the most grossing and disgusting part to me how they weren't outside and then they found it reassuring that the white hair white skin men was joining them every every so once in a while they would get together at circle K AND THEN I WAS KICKED OUT OF THERE CUZ THEY SAID I STINK yeah I think it was a sabotage attack on me for them to say that to me and I exercised the problem is is he's began making me sick or so I smell worse but again with all that exercise we found it very difficult to believe I believe because the quid pro quo we called then drawing blood again it's too late to draw blood for this dead white trash family connected to the satellite and snow I mean all all the statement we are specific on us all they need is one black hair white skin and it's definitely an accident on their side

Unless you like black skin cock in your mouth from Las Vegas and not the beach

BUT THE PROBLEM IS THESE ARE ISOLATED PEOPLE THAT ARE WALKING UP TO ME AND A SATELLITE FORCES MY BALLS GRABS MY BALLS AND FORCES MY HEAD TO LOOK AT THEIR FACE AT THE PERFECT TIMING POSERS THEY THEY CALLED THE SATELLITE WHENEVER THEY'RE READY FOR ME TO LOOK UP AT THEIR FACE AND IT IMMEDIATELY WHIPPED MY NECK LIKE A CAR ACCIDENT WIP LASH and it just makes me angry because they keep on saying I kill you today I kill you today

What am I going to say you know you look like that you look like your brother you know he was a good person? Come on what do you people get off

What was the problem with the integration in antecedent is these people don't have a train I'm sure these whites get salad operations have these black skin satellite operators come out and protect them forcing my face to look up at their face IT JUST CONTINUES TO GROSS ME OUT AND IT DOESN'T MAKE ME ANGRY NECESSARILY BUT IT'S LIKE THE STATEMENT OF HE MAKES TO THE GIRLS YOU'RE NEVER GOING TO GET AWAY FROM ME AND FOR THE GIRL AND THE GIRLS NOT TO BE HERE TO TO TAKE THIS PUNISHMENT AND TO TAKE THIS ABUSE

👀💩👀💩👀💩👀💩👀💩👀💩

It's just grossing me out and all and all they have is the gay joke and for these cities to be built around confusing the letter G with the letter J AND FOR THEM TO SAY IT'S A MISTAKE IN HERE the codependency on girls comes up and end their safety and knowing I was a boy when someone told me all you're kissing his ass or you're trying to suck his dick I was a boy and I found out as a compliment to show my brother how much I love him

So I completely understand the problem is it continue to gross me out by forcing my head to look up at their faces and again they're immediate hate for me is is very too easy is what we're going to call it too easy it should be all at this point in time line it should be all white skin man me forced to deal with but as I said they don't want to be seen outside attacking me because they're afraid of my brother my sex your brother that was placed by me and in behind him would be another brother and in these cities we counted up to seven other brothers of mine on the satellite and and they can make as many as they want of us and send us across the world because the beach is a refuge they built beach at the beach and airplane Jason at the airplane Jason sunrise but they they they had all the power contained to one Miami Florida AND FOR US TO HAVE FOUND THIS STRONGHOLD OF I CAN CALL HIM WHENEVER I WANT AND FOR THEM TO HAVE BUILT A 3/4 SITE IN A SABOTAGE WE BELIEVE IT'S UNSAFE AND AND NOT FAIR FOR THESE MEN THE ONLY PLACE THEY CAN GO IS IS THERE AND AND GET OFF THE PLANE IN SALT LAKE CITY AND NOT BE KIDNAPPED INTO SNOW AND FACE JUDGMENT

And the ongoing statement if it's an accident and mistake for us have killed all this white hair babies but there's no evidence of this and it continuing repeating it almost as a taunt 24/7 he kept on reminding me what he's going to do to other people and then again other grossing and disgusting part was a satellite continued to pretend or act as if it was my best friend and I found it very awful that they continue to whisper secrets to me as if we were best friends and again because I'm here he thought he was funny is the problem he thought because I was here and made him better and cooler and he kept on talking about his own people and telling me their accidents and that and I didn't appreciate that because I find him to be an accident

The problem is we met up a lot of white hair lies along with my experience and and having statements and meetings and in icy and snow cities they gave me very specific testament and then pictures and statements more importantly the statements we put together and we use them as as from our own blogs and socialism and again and they continue to fire this off what happened to the white hair babies here and again there's no evidence we believe the extortion and in a compromise has rendered all white skin safety here and we were not seeing where the white hair babies came here and they were hurt or murdered what we're not seeing it

We believe it's just a threat in the thought of anger and disappointment of of being let down is what we're seeing but again it's too easy for this hate against me is what we're trying to point out in the integration of force my head to look up at them and then have that hate for me and it's one after another one after another one one more black recruit after another and it's getting real real boring and real depression that's why we're happy Mississippi took its best shot and had me in the middle of a parking lot talking to me 24/7 the problem was for 2 weeks I wasn't bleeding or sweating and then I answered every question truthfully I gave to any act statements and then they wanted me to continue talking and rewriting it in different words and we did not agree with this because they would use the same words to describe one or two or even three more different archives or are definitions they almost change the definition of the word due to the context and we did not agree with this we found it to be misleading and confusing and me myself I couldn't even read it I couldn't even understand what I was saying

I called it

[srlkiller]

today was a lot. i had a 1on1 therapy thing that was supposed to be like an INTRO TO UR RECOVERY WOO!!! LETS GET UR MENTAL HEALTH IN CONTROL!!! But instead it turned into me having 4 panic attacks constantly crying while venting to a social worker in a room w no air con for 2 hours about ‘how my month has been’ and ‘why i haven’t been attending any of my group therapy?’ well sue sweetie.. u asked me…n boy did i give u the answer ur career as a social worker has been WAITING 4!! then i got my 1st covid shot & briefly spoke to my doctor who was rude asf so i was like ok today fucked. Centrelink also called me and told me wrong info which fucked me over. then i see my dad calling and im like OFC HE IS!!massive fight as per n he hangs up but then continues via text bc hes petty asf.

BUT not as petty as my mom bc that is literally how the fight started. bc of her. like this bitch omg. she purposely runs off to my dad and tells him every little thing i do ‘wrong’ bc she knows his temper and how afraid i am of him due to past events so she uses him to basically do her dirty work for her n ‘scare me’. like that’s how manipulative and fucked up she is in the head. she made up a whole ass lie and told my dad that i said to my mom the only reason i was trying to stay in contact with my dad was so that i remain in his will as like the sole beneficiary or whatever….. how sick and twisted must you be to lie to someone directly in their face about something so serious INVOLVING UR OWN CHILD that you share with that person????? i would NEVER! say that about my dad. EVER. this happened months ago btw. as soon as i spoke about it w my dad and i was like “what.. dad i would never say that you know i don’t give a fuck about money like that i don’t care about your will why would i even be thinking about your will?” he was like wait actually that’s fucked up ur right. It was actually HER who made that comment. she got my dad to go and fix fencing at my nans house for free (using him) n my dad mentioned he had a girlfriend. my mum came home & SAID TO ME “u better hurry up and get in ur dads good books now that he has a gf.. before she gets a hold of his will and u end up w nothing” and i simply told her that my dad would never take me off his will regardless so why say that to me. once she got exposed she backtracked and was like “oh it was just a joke” & both my dad and I were both saying that even as a joke how is that funny? how does your mind even start to think in that way? how is this funny to you? then she flips it. her scripts are so repetitive now that ive caught on that i can actually predict what she’s gonna say before she opens her mouth. she manipulates u into thinking ur reality isn’t correct.. saying things like “ omg ur over reacting lol ur so dramatic no wonder no one takes u seriously in life, grow up, i have no idea what ur going on about, have u taken ur medication for the day, have u lost it, are u high on something?” like what in the fuck?

i never once mentioned anything about anyones will.. when i was younger i made the mistake obviously of telling her that my dad was leaving me his house. when my nans will was getting exposed she became overly obsessed w wills in general and changed hers. im guessing behind my back she has actually taken me off now but i don’t want her dirty ass money which is stolen from my accounts anyway. my nan left all her grandchildren a large sum of money that was supposed to be equally split among us, its now been over a year since my nan passed & i noticed a group text come up on my moms phone from her sisters talking about what they did for their children with that money. one of them paid off their entire hex debt so it must be a substantial amount. i have not seen a cent which means she has taken it for herself, put it in her name and placed it into a secret account without my knowledge. if it’s as much $ as i believe it is, this could seriously help me move out and better my situation which she constantly tells me she wants me to get the fuck out ect. yet you are holding the key to the door in ur hand? that’s twisted and very sick. they fought for a year over my nans money and all i asked for was an old XXXX gold stubby holder that was my grandads bc it was very sentimental to me. instead, they chose to have a garage sale and sold all of my nans things and sold that stubby holder to a random person for 20 cents………. i was in shock when i found out.. and they laughed and were like get over it omg it’s just a stubby holder you can just buy another one. these people are so fucked up but they all made me feel like i was losing my mind my whole life. money isn’t shit without sentiment. i could have given you 20 cents if you need that shit so bad. im only attached partially to these evil ass roaches by some genetics but to me none of them are my family. not once have i ever felt cared for, loved, accepted, safe or happy in their presence. i am only ever wanted when they can gain something from me. that is not family. my grandad was big on family n my nan and my grandad are the only two people i claim as family from my moms side. my nans two blind siblings who i admired & adored + a few of my grandads siblings were the only ones who actually showed interest in getting to know me & didn’t look down on me in any way. i was never considered ‘less than’ or not good enough yet i was the family disappointment to my mom and her sisters. but they have never seen her like i see her. the way she acts in front of family is not the person i know. she’s very good at acting. the way she pretends to be a ‘mother’ in front of her own family is actually scary. she’s like the ultimate con artist except she’s too fucking dumb to actually scam people and get rich off of her ability to manipulate whoever she wants. what a shame ur not intelligent.. that sure must suck huh. my nan gave me that maternal love i never had from my mother and my grandad was always that man who held us all together as a unit. when he got sick everything changed and started to go down hill. they had to give up their entire property, his big beautiful garden and vegetables he was really passionate about, the horses and land ect. my nan planted a rose bush and it grew big and blossomed big red roses and she said this is for you, my little rachel rose 🌹 🥺 she said she wanted to take the whole ass bush w her and replant it 😂 but my grandad was like we are not taking a fucking huge ass rose bush w thorns in the car w us Gloria.. i only remembered this today during that therapy session and i hyperventilated so bad n just started crying.. bc i couldn’t believe my brain had blocked that memory for so long just to recover it now that she’s no longer here to share it with.

i can feel the love my dad has for me even when he’s temperamental.. you can see it in his face and his eyes. when i look at my mom i try desperately to find some sort of just fucking anything and… i see nothing. i can tell that she doesn’t feel anything. but she does for other children. just not me. so i know she isn’t a heartless bitch and is capable of emotions of all sorts.. but anything to do with me it’s almost like im invisible or she cannot see fault in her self. she cannot in any way accept anything she has ever done, she has never said the words ‘I’m sorry’ for anything ever in life involving me, she has stood by (literally stood and watched) while her own sisters verbally abused me as a minor calling me out my name AND one even texted my best friend at the time who was about 14 saying that i was a bitch. meaning my mom gave my aunt my friends number to text that message.. my friends mom was livid about this bc what grown ass woman texts a random 14 year old girl paragraphs of shit like that swearing at them and saying that their friend is a rude ungrateful bitch. her mom reacted as a mother should. as i would love my mother to stick up for me just once in life.. u kno.. ever? i still remember my first SUI attempt at like 16 after being abused and this person told me they were leaving and coming back so i had about a 10 min window of time and i panicked as any 16 young girl home alone would.. i called my mom for help bc ur parents are supposed to protect you. her wording was “well what did u do to make him hit you?” “you know that you deserved that”. i was in disbelief that she would react like that.. she was talking so calmly while i was crying hysterically having a panic attack telling her this man was coming back in 10 mins asking her to please help me.. and all she could say was.. “you probably deserved it”. ive never been the same since then tbh. im not blessed enough to be a parent yet, i may never be.. but i know for a fucking FACT that i would NEVER say any of the shit that she says to me to ANY child let alone MY OWN?!?

you had me at 36 years old. you had time to think about this and evaluate whether you thought you would be able to care for a child and make a good parent. If you “didn’t want to deal with me” then you had other options.. you could have sent me to foster care, you could have adopted me out, you could aborted me, shidddd you could have mf swallowed me bitch let’s be real. no, you chose to have a child. there’s no 18 year contract.. she loves to play that card. “UR AN ADULT NOW”, what about me makes me an adult, my age makes me an adult to you? yet you’ve kept me so childlike, so codependent & haven’t taught me basic life skills despite me asking to learn. like im deadass watching YouTube videos to teach myself basic ass life skills… that is sad as fuck. when im 48… guess what??? i am still your child and unfortunately for me!! you are STILL my parent. there’s no changing that bc you made that choice. you can’t just b like yeah i change my mind nvm i want to return it…… like that is really her attitude. i was born with a lot of health issues that have escalated a lot and only continue to get worse with age both mental and physical. guess what tho… if ur child is born with defects u don’t get to just b like omg ew i don’t want it now this one’s too difficult. like trust me.. if i was one of those lil sperm rn i am not about to fertilise u for NOTHING if this is the consequence I’d rather jus keep on swimming lmao.

[doodly-doods]

Valentine’s Day PT I

Ketchup dipped water sausages.

That’s what Frisk came up with for Valentine’s day. She crossed her arms glaring down at her concoction slumped on the cutting board. There was no cute way to package it. It felt like a prank from Sans, himself. Too bad she couldn’t blame her lack of creativity on him.

She released a deep sigh, unaware she was holding. Frisk picked up a small white, draw-string baggy she purchased from a hobby shop and looked it over. She brushed her finger over the suede red heart she stitched on the center. Frisk smiled softly. Despite how silly her gift felt, it was important he receive it.

Somehow, Frisk needed to keep the sloshy ketchup juices in the bag, and make sure the cut up wieners didn’t become soggy — he’d actually want it doused, soaking in ketchup.

Under the shade of the darkened living room, Chara watched his twin from afar. He tilted his head curiously, and briefly glanced his phone’s lock screen. Ah, that’s right. A perk to his lips, he sauntered into the kitchen and belted out, “Greetings!” startling his younger-by-five-minutes sibling. In her fright, she tossed the bag filled with the savories into the air with a squeak.

“Chara!” Frisk swiped at her brother who dodged her slap easily. “Don’t make me get the frying pan!”

Chara hunched forward in a mock-cower, “Not the paaaaaan~!” He straightened looking up at the ketchup stained ceiling. “If you’re gonna grab a pan, get a sauce one. I like my chocolate freshly melted, thanks lil’ sis.”

Frisk growled and caught his stare upwards. She jumped. “Look what you did! It’s ruined!”

“Silly Frisk. I wasn’t the one pitching food at the ceiling. Which,” his eyes narrowed with disdain, “I might add, food that should’ve been pitched into the trash. What were you thinking, Frisk? Trying a new diet?”

Frisk puffed out her cheeks, “dummy! It’s not for me! It’s not…something I’D eat… either way it’s not going in anyone’s stomach from up there!”

“Pfft. Perhaps a Muffet would, but I think they have working tastebuds.” Chara scoffed, bored of teasing his sister looking at the cutting board. In their argument, he failed to notice, the small, now stained, drawstring bag discarded by the sink in its descent.

“Who’s the lucky guy?”

“Monster kid.” Frisk cursed inwardly realizing how quickly she answered. Chara’s eyes narrowed. “That runt likes,” he paused to sniff the air, “hot dogs that much to receive it as a gift for Valentine’s day?” He watched her smugly as she snatched up her bag from the countertop, rinsing residual condiment stains from the fabric.

“He might.” Frisk flushed at her pathetic reply. Did her brother know about her now-obvious crush on Sans? “Shouldn’t you be emptying grocery bags in hopes to fill it with chocolates from your fan club?”

Chara scoffed, “the only thing I hope is for my darling baby sister to make me some chocolate pie from that recipe Miss Toriel taught her a month ago.” He reached over and pinched Frisk’s cheek. “I don’t see any cake boxes lounging around, so where are they hiding?”

She swatted his hand away, successfully slapping his hand to his surprise. She frowned at him and haughtily shrugged her shoulders, “there aren’t any! Go away, Chara, I’m busy.” She turned around, facing her cutting board collecting the tarnished slices of water sausage. She went to her pot that had been filled with extra, uncut wieners and scooped them up with her ladle she left beside it – for times like these where she messed up.

At his sister’s dismissal, Chara faced away from Frisk. He made his way to the living room, casting a last glance over his shoulder. His eyelids lowered, seconds ticking by.

“I’ll give yours tomorrow, after history class.”

Chara snorted. Forever forgiving, she was.

Frisk barely kept her eyes open. She stayed up most of the previous night, packaging Chara’s chocolate pie, a cute little tail-sock for Monster Kid, Papyrus’s spaghetti scarf (which she might add was a challenge! She never crocheted in her life!), and of course, Sans’s Valentine. She sat in her first class ticking off her tasks of the night before with a sense of relief. All four of those guys were very precious to her – one of whom had a gaze that bored onto her from the seat beside her.

“dogged night?”

Her ears perked, unsure if she heard right. Glancing towards her skeletal classmate, her face etched in confusion.

“sorry, i meant ruff night?”

Her eyes lit up in understanding, though her tiredness delayed her reaction further. She bit her lip to prevent a snort from escaping. She nodded, hyper-aware of how, in-the middle-of-class they were, conversing. Frisk’s heart raced. The entire morning she made sure not to see Sans around campus until she was ready. Frisk shooed Chara off to school, so she could change her routine. She luckily made it to class with four minutes to spare, with even Sans’s absence appearing to be a blessing.

She also griped at the idea that he had stayed home from school. Various thoughts bounced in her head. It weighed heavily due to her lack of sleep, and anxiety of finally giving her gift to Sans.

Frisk didn’t realize Sans came to class today until he started speaking. As if he teleported at the very last minute.

Breaking out of her reflection, Frisk nodded to Sans, idly flipping the page in her textbook to appear she was listening to the teacher. After confirming her teacher turned her back to the class she whispered, “yeah. Math is not my strongest suit. So it took me all night to figure out this one, little equation.”

Sans eyelights dimmed from its usual intensity, or so Frisk may have imagined. “could’ve called me. would’ve helped ya find the square-root of your problems.” He shot her a wink, before facing front as soon as the teacher returned her attention to the class.

They both played diligent students until once again, their teacher returned to the chalkboard and scrawled a sentence.

“I can’t do that Sans. I gotta figure it out for myself sooner or later. I don’t think the nation needs a codependent ambassador.”

Sans chuckled softly, “determined to save the world on your own, but not enough to give your ol’ pal a call when ya need a lil’ help?”

Frisk grinned, “who says you have to wait for me to call when you need a lil’ somethin’?”

She watched his entire body jolt and if she focused hard enough, powder blue bloomed on his cheekbones.

Frisk blinked her sleep-dried eyes; no sign of color but white on his face.

Just her imagination.

After class, Frisk and Sans made a beeline for her next subject. Both blessing and curse, she and Sans did not share this period together. She could definitely use this time to regroup and strategize.

“Ah, smiley-trashbag. So nice of you to drop my sister off. You are free to return to the school dumpster, now.”

Unfortunately, she shared history and literature with Chara.

Sans sniffed, “sure thing. just as soon as you climb back into your hole.”

Chara chortled, “feeble comeback for a comedian. What even kind of hole?”

“jerry’s ass–”

“Sans, Chara, that will be enough.” Heat radiated from the history classroom’s doorway. “Hello, Frisk, dear.” As soon as the goat monstress’s eyes set on the young human teen, the swelter magically dissipated.

Miss Toriel.

“Good morning, Miss Toriel. Ah, I’ll see you later, Sans.” Frisk darted into the class, but not before thrusting a thumb behind her, “come on, Chara.” Toriel followed after her, but not before shooting a warning glare at the boys in her doorway.

Without turning his head, Chara plastered an empty smile and trained his eyes on the skeleton before him. “Be there in a sec, sis.” His eyelids lowered; his blinks were measured. “I just want to give you a tip: whatever you’ll plan to give to Frisk for White Day will quickly end up in the garbage where it rightfully belongs. That is all.” Chara swiveled and barely took a step forward before catching Sans’s baffled expression.

“whaddya mean? white day gift? isn’t she supposed to give me something to be repaid? are the rules different now?”

Chara’s face blanked. He stared off but before inwardly smirking. “What’s this? Did she not give you anything for today? Oh, pity. I apologize. I figured if she had given something to your manchild brother and even Monster Kid, she would’ve given you a sock or a twig. My mistake. She made me a lovely mini-chocolate pie. It was exquisite.” Without saying anything further, Chara slid the classroom door closed in San’s face. Leaving Sans to recollect on the implications of Frisk’s gifts – or lack thereof.

NEXT

[therapybabbie]

January 28, 2021

First day of DBT was yesterday. I did not like it. It was like class and not personal and we couldn’t respond to the other patients, only the counselor could, which I hated. I will stick it out tho bc it is the only IOP thats not during my work schedule.

Also, I texted michael a couple nights ago and was like “I dont care what i said before, you and i are NOT cool!!!!! i only get madder and madder at you every day and you traumatized me!!!” or something to that effect, after which he was like “yeah i figured you wouldn’t wanna speak to me anymore after you unfollowed me on instagram. i’m so sorry i lied and cheated and i want to fix it, but you said nothing can fix it so idk what you want me to do.” 

so then the next afternoon i sent him like four paragraphs about the anger and humiliation he caused me and by 11:00 pm the next day he still hadnt responded and i was so mad i couldnt sleep so i texted him “I hate you so much. All that shit and all you cared about is that I unfollowed you on instagram.” and then he responded saying he’d been fucked up and crying all day and he didn’t know what to say and he’s “insanely sorry.” 

then this morning i obviously apologized for saying i hate him bc that is obviously not true, which i also said. I then was like “I’m just dealing with this anger that has nowhere to go and its so heavy blah blah” but in FOUR PARAGRAPHS (why did I do this). Then he was like “I’m really sorry you’re hurting because of me but there’s nothing I can do about it right now to help either of us.” THEN I just said I just want EMPATHY bc I feel like he NEVER tried to imagine being me during the worst things he did to me. and i want him to feel exactly what i felt and know he caused it.

then he said “i have felt that. i felt guilt and shame for so long and still am. i knew what i was doing was wrong and i was paranoid the whole time. i don’t know how to empathize well though, i’ve told you my struggles with that. I know I caused you pain and I want to make you feel better. But I’m also not going to be told I don’t feel anything”

then I explained that’s not what i was saying and i know he feels things, i just never FELT empathy from him regarding what he did to me over the past year. if he was empathetic, he wasnt expressing it in a way i recognize. it didn’t even seem like he was TRYING to be empathetic

and he said “I agree, I didn’t try at all. I was only focused on myself and getting fucked up. I’m an addict. That’s what I’m trying to fix right now. I’m struggling with processing everything and it’s hard. Some days I don’t feel like shit but other days like yesterday when you texted me I was crying about everything I’ve ever done. IDK how this shit works. I literally don’t have answers for you rn. I’m so new to trying to help myself that I don’t know where to start. Maybe in time I’ll have some answers for you but right now I’m just feeling shit. I’m sorry. I don’t know what to do”

Then I said I’m happy he’s focusing on his addiction bc from what I know of him, the more he recovers in that area, the more other things will fall into place, which i hope happens for him

And he said “Thanks but I relapsed last night so not feeling great lol.” then i think he immediately realized he was veering into codependent territory and said “That’s not your problem, I’m sorry. I’m gonna go. I’ve got a lot of things to take care of on my day off. Hope you’re well.”

But I was still responding to his PREVIOUS message so I said I understand he can’t have answers right now, I hope he’s ok too, I’m sorry that me texting him all that probably contributed to his horrible day yesterday and that’s why I said we should stop talking in the first place, “but I’m going through hell right now too, so yeah I made a mistake and I’m sorry.”

Then to prevent myself from texting him again some other time, I said “I don’t wanna set you back by texting you some shit like that again while you’re working on recovery, but I’m worried I might. Do you think I should just delete your number, that way it’ll be up to you if you wanna talk again?”

And he said, which i don’t rly understand completely what this means but whatever, “its ok, i understand. it might be for the best that we do that yeah” Like?? why did he say we??? I didn’t say we both delete each others numbers and never speak for the rest of our lives, I said I delete his so he can contact me when he feels like it....but whatever its just texting semantics it doesnt necessarily mean anything

so i said “Ok cool, I promise not to contact you again. You let me know if you wanna talk again sometime later though”

and he said “Ok thanks” which I thought SUCKED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Like you coulda just been like “Ok, I will” or something nicer. It seemed like he was annoyed that I was deleting his number even though i made it clear it was so that HE could contact me at his leisure and not have ME bother him when hes trying to quit drugs!!!!! but whatever......BPD crazy ass disease....this was probably some form of perceived abandonment (real or imagined)

I hope he talks to me again but not for like 3-4 months. I’m glad I set up this boundary for myself though bc now I can never text him first or it’d be too embarrassing. 

Oh, also, after that first round of texts I sent him the first night, he made his instagram private, which he NEVER has before so i guess he really was salty i unfollowed him. this is for the best tho cause now i cant stalk him, which i was only doing sometimes ok.....ok i did it for like 5 days over the period of time surrounding the anniversary of his mothers death to make sure he was okay. Which i think was fine and not creepy!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i think hes more just like “you locked me out of yours, well now you don’t get to see any of mine!” childish but i’d do the same thing

In general, I want this man to have a happy life in the near future. But not right now, not right after treating me like shit for so long. I’m glad he cried all day over something I said, it is only fair. And he will never grow if he never feels bad about this stuff. So it was nice to hear that he at least still cares, even if it meant him feeling like shit for a whole day.