#BUT I HIT MY LIMIT TONIGHT | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

padfootastic · 1 month ago

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can’t help but think of how, if we choose to go by sirius’ characterisation as a private, arrogant teen who only lets a select few into his circle, sirius’ post-azkaban life just have been such an utterly humiliating experience for him.

especially OoTP. when he has all these near strangers in his childhood house, that he hated and loved and ran away from and couldn’t ever escape. if he spent his entire pre-azkaban existence building a cold and aloof persona, not letting people know what his home life had been like, then to have all of these people get a front row seat to it because of kreacher and portrait walburga’s shenanigans must have been near unbearable. to have the entire order, including snape whom he disliked and mistrusted, hear the kinds of names he’s being called.

not only does he have to deal with the retraumatisation of his childhood, but also the fact that he’s flayed open for everyone to see. it’s not only his freedom, innocence, dignity that has been snatched from him but his privacy also. it’s such a cruel thing to experience, on top of everything else.

to have literal children, his godson who he has been kept away from all this while, whom he presumably wants to be able to look up to him, to have him see into the deepest parts of his soul. to have to be so weak in front of him. not only is he subjected to such vileness but he also cannot do anything about it.

sirius has not had a moment of peace in all the time we knew him. it is indignity upon indignity that is heaped onto him. every other character has gotten a moment of respite but him. it fully breaks my heart.

#sirius black #i am in the mood to sob tonight clearly #i just #was reading a fic #where it recounted walburga ad kreacher��s screams and taunts #and it suddenly hit me how humiliating they are?#like #even if it’s an inanimate object and a house elf #to be called an embarrassment and shame of my flesh and filth #by the only remaining members of your family #and to have it be traced back to your family #to know that your mother was alive but did not care that u were in azkaban #and that everyone else knows it too now #to walk around in every corner of your childhood house and be able to see exactly how u grew up #no boundaries no limits #to have other people keep touching parts of your family with the audacity to throw them out #and move it around #to call your home names #i just. cannot imagine.#the level of helplessness he was operating with #is it really any wonder he was the way he was #hell. he was actually so much better than he should’ve been #lesser men would’ve been catatonic or going off on a rage fuelled warpath #it’s so embarrassing to have your parent even correct u in front of friends sometimes #and to hear all this abuse. shouted at you.#and not one person ever stands up for him #or shows him any empathy #i’m actually amazed that even after all these years i’m able to find new tragedies in sirius life #HAS THAT MAN NOT BEEN THROUGH ENOUGH #pen’s notes

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ace-trainguys · 1 year ago

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What if I posted the draft of the prologue to a fic of an au I haven't talked about on Tumblr. For a Halloween treat.

It's not edited up to where I want it. That and because this is only the first part of this au and it will be a long while before I write the rest is why I'm not posting it on ao3 yet. But if you would like a little something spooky, here is:

Heart of the Subway, part 1: Descent

Ingo sweeps his flashlight out in front of him. Even though Chandelure floats beside him, it is the proper safety procedure to illuminate the path ahead. The sensor that went offline is rather deep in the maintenance tunnels, but it shouldn't be too far now. Ingo hums to himself and Chandelure whistles along.

He reaches the next intersection and pauses. Instead of the two branching paths he was expecting, there are three. Ingo consults his mental map- he had been certain he was going the right way, but he must have made a wrong turn. A rare occurrence - one that hasn't happened since Ingo and Emmet became Subway Bosses, in fact. But that's the only explanation for the discrepancy. Each tunnel has the even shape of a man-made structure - no chance of a subterranean pokemon causing mischief.

All three paths slope downwards.

"Chandelure," Ingo murmurs. "Have I made a wrong turn?" She, too, knows these tunnels well. Chandelure chimes in confusion, confirming that she is also in the dark. Ingo had presumed as much - if she had noticed something wrong, she would have stopped him earlier. But he had to ask. "Very well. Let us retrace our steps."

Ingo turns around and heads back the way he came. He could have sworn that this tunnel had a slight downward slant when he had originally gone through, but he must have been mistaken. It's certainly sloping lower now.

Sooner than he expected, he reaches another intersection. It's wrong. There should be an opening to his left, and an opening forward, but there are four tunnels splitting off. This is not the way he came, but how could he have ended up somewhere else?

"Chandelure, do you sense anything?" Ingo asks. If it is a trick by a ghost, she will certainly be able to tell. When he doesn't receive a response, he turns and finds the space beside him empty. "Chandelure?!" He calls, but only his own voice echoes back to him. His loyal partner would not wander off and abandon him, but her purple tinted light is gone. Where is she? Ingo whips around to the direction he came from and-- it goes down.

No, no, he definitely descended coming this way. Did he get turned around? Which way did he come from? He shines his flashlight into the other tunnels, but all four slant deeper into the earth.

That's not possible. It-- the direction he came from, he went down. He didn't hear anything. Nothing could change the tunnels so silently.

It feels like a dream, but Ingo bites the inside of his cheek and feels pain. He's awake.

Ingo pulls out his radio and gets blasted by static. No matter how he tries to tune it, the results are the same.

Ingo... does not know the protocols for a situation like this. But he cannot simply stand around. He picks a tunnel and descends.

After several yards, Ingo turns and shines his flashlight back. The tunnel does not appear to be going back up like it should. He shudders and turns around again. What a horrible optical illusion, he tells himself, and desperately tries to believe it.

As he walks further and goes deeper, he begins to see cables run along the walls. He shines his flashlight on them, and though they are in line with the electrical wiring used in the subway, their placements and directions do not make logical sense. Ingo is intimately aware of how messy the wiring of the subway system was when he and Emmet began their careers. It was one of their highest priorities to repair when they became the bosses. It would make sense that there could have been wires they missed when doing the power system overhaul, so deep in the maintenance tunnels, but... these cables dip in and out of the walls in a way he's never seen before.

As he continues going deeper, he encounters cables drooping down in loops from the ceiling. An egregious safety hazard in five ways he can count off the top of his head. No one must have been in these tunnels in decades.

The wires grow thicker on the walls, running in all directions. Yet it is quiet - no hum of running electricity, despite the forest of cables. The only sounds Ingo can hear are his own careful breaths, and his rapid heartbeat.

It is not long before the cables have grown so thick that the walls are no longer visible. Ingo nearly trips before he realizes there are wires reaching out of the floor as well. He trains his flashlight and eyes at the ground, stepping carefully around the growths.

The tenuous beam of light hits a slab of solid metal. Ingo raises it to view an ancient door, wires twisting around every inch. Thick cables have entirely replaced the walls and floor - and a quick look upwards confirms the ceiling is covered as well. He swallows his dread and turns the doorknob with a shaking hand.

Immediately after stepping through, the door closes behind him with a sense of finality. The chamber he has entered is much wider than the tunnel he was in previously. Cables twirl and flow all around, congregating in a massive pillar in the center. Ingo realizes with a start that he can see outside his flashlight’s meager view - the whole room is filled with a dim sourceless light.

When he returns his eyes to the central pillar once more, he feels–

welcome happiness home

What…?

Ingo finds himself relaxing despite the incongruous nature of the emotions. It doesn’t make sense to feel this at home in such a strange, alien location, and yet. It’s as if he’s sitting on the couch, one arm around his brother, surrounded by their pokemon. Comfortable, safe, warm.

He can’t hear anything, but he can almost feel a noiseless sound. A pulse. Gazing upon the monolith of intertwined lines, he gets the sense that these wires, despite the lack of electricity flowing through them, are not lifeless.

He is suddenly, indisputably sure that this is the heart of the Unovan subway system. There is no logical evidence, nothing that could have led him to this conclusion, but he is certain.

Ingo is awestruck. Nothing could have prepared him for the power and life that the core of the subway emits. After all these years, all the effort Ingo and Emmet put into restoring a run down transit system - seeing that it has blossomed into something like this makes him want to laugh and cry. It was worth it.

The corners of his eyes pinch, his version of a wide smile. He wonders if he should feel reverence, in the core of the place he and his brother dedicated themselves to, but instead he’s filled with love, love, love that is not his own. Ingo realizes that it’s the subway itself, communicating with him in pure emotions, and he laughs. His own joy is reflected back at him. He loves and adores the subway, and it seems it loves him back.

With a noise like leaves rustling in the wind, cables shift in the pillar, opening a small entrance. Ingo feels a gentle pull forward, an invitation to enter the heart. happy closer appeal. Ingo notices he’s taken a step closer without realizing it.

He steps back and plants his feet firmly to the ground. Come come come. No, Ingo will not do anything blindly. Love safety stay happy, the subway croons wordlessly, yet he feels himself start to sweat.

Suddenly he’s sure that if he enters the heart, he will never be able to come back out.

Comfort love safety. It’s not bad, down here. Pleasant, really. The subway loves him. He could be happy, nestled securely in the heart.

But he cannot do this. To stay here would be abandoning his responsibilities. It would mean leaving his job and his passion behind. Never seeing his friends or his pokemon or his brother again.

Negative false reassurance. Still there still there

Ingo shakes his head and shudders. He doesn't understand how staying here could be anything other than abandoning everyone. He tries to turn back around and--

He can’t move.

Despite the subway’s faith confidence trust, Ingo feels his breathing speed up. It won’t let him leave. It won’t-- he doesn’t want this but he can’t even lean backwards.

Ingo shivers, and thinks of Emmet alone. Not knowing what happened to his brother. Worrying about Ingo. Worrying Ingo left him, falling into those old self doubts. Ingo promised he would never leave. He promised - and in a burst of frantic energy, he turns and manages to take a step away.

No love safe comfort stay stay STAY

Ingo struggles to take another step, while a whispering rasp hisses behind him. As he pushes his frozen legs as hard as he can, he spots squirming black shapes approaching in the edge of his vision. Cables reach out to him, wrapping around his arms, ever so gently. More circle his wrists, his legs, his feet, his chest, his neck, with extreme care. Like handling fine china, like holding a precious treasure, the wires cradle Ingo, embracing every inch of him. Ingo’s terror and panic fight the calm safe love, but he can’t move at all in the wires’ tender hold.

Paralyzed, Ingo can do nothing as the cables begin to drag him into the heart. He tries, he desperately tries, but he can't even twitch a finger. He can't move, he can't move, he will be stuck down here for the rest of his life and he will never see his brother again-

adoration safe calm belonging stay

Drawn into the subway's heart, a path made specially for him, all Ingo can do is scream "EMMET!"

Then the wires fall back into place, as if the entrance was never there at all.

No– stop- what's going on? He doesn’t want this! He can't move! He doesn't -

Home safe belonging love love love

the pressure, it's everywhere- he's being crushed, he - air? Is he breathing? He can't move, he can't move- help-

Calm safe peace secure

What is that sensation- running through him, he's never felt something like that, he doesn't understand- rumbling stopping and starting, in him - pinch and itch and drag on parts a body doesn't have, how- he doesn't want this, please stop-

Right belonging acceptance

There's no color- How is he seeing so much at once - too much, it's too much, he can't- make it stop, please-

Rest reassure love

It doesn't hurt but he doesn’t understand- he's not supposed to be– he is supposed to be…what is he supposed to be?!

Right correctness cherished belonging

help, he can't– it's so quiet- this is too much, he can't–

Reassure calm love adoration

He can't- he can't…

Acceptance belonging home

H-help… Em… met…

Belonging belonging belonging

He...

Calm safe belonging

…

Calm.

He calms.

Emmet is doing paperwork in his and Ingo's office when the lights flicker off for a second. They're back on almost immediately, but Emmet groans regardless. The subway's backup generators prevent essential functions from shutting down, but a power outage, no matter how brief, means there are many safety checks that must be run.

Emmet blinks, and places a hand on his chest. Nothing happened other than the lights going out, but he feels like something is different. He can't put his finger on what or how, exactly, but…

Hm. He'll have to ask Ingo if he felt it too after he gets back.

#submas #qed's writing #writing #fanfiction #ingo #emmet #submas au #heart of the subway au #I edited a little tonight but I'm under the weather and I hit my limit #does this count as a cliffhanger?#in my opinion the first part is the spookiest but there'll be more spooky later too #psychological horror I think #I'm gonna keep quiet about what happens next and pretend to be mysterious #(unless I change my mind which is a possibility)

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