#Avery still reeling from how that made her feel several days later | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

imjustwritingg · 4 years ago

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maybe it was fate: chapter 4

Thank you once again for all the love and comments and messages. You guys have no idea how happy it makes me when you send your thoughts on this story. It really makes my whole day that much better. This next chapter is a bit of a long one. Buckle in lovelies and I'll see ya again soon for the next one! 💜

Read on AO3 and FFNet!

Tagging @onechicago-upsteadrhekker @anniesardors @ilithiyarys @snowwhite013 @stephanie708 @carissalizz @wookailing

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“She’s my daughter.”

He’s been quiet since she’s said the words, unmoving as he stands on her doorstep, and she stays planted in place in front of him in the open doorway.

She can’t entirely read the expression on his face other than the look of hurt that glistens in his eyes and it sends an ache through her. The tears pooling in the corners of her own eyes threaten to spill at any moment and she blinks them back, not wanting to fall apart in front of him.

“Jay, I - “

He shakes his head at her and tries to give a small smile, trying to play it off as though her omissions of truth for the duration of their partnership haven’t completely gutted him. He has so many questions going through his head, but he keeps coming back to the same one.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

All Hailey can do is shrug as she lifts a hand to her face to wipe at a traitorous tear that slips out of one eye.

“I wanted to. I tried. Then a couple weeks turned into a month. Then three months. And then it just got away from me and I didn’t know how to tell you. It’s not exactly a piece of information I can share during a night of surveillance or a drug house raid.”

“But any other time Hailey? Six months. Six months of us working together, being partners, being friends. I mean, God, what if something happened to you? What if you got hurt? What then?”

“I have emergency contacts and a will. She’d be taken care of,” Hailey tells him.

It sounds so simple the way she says it, as if they’re just talking about the weather or the score of a hockey game.

“That’s the only thing you got out of what I just said to you?” He scoffs as he runs his free hand over the back of his head.

“All I can think to say right now is I’m sorry, but I know that’s not enough. Me having a kid changes things and if it bothers you I’ll talk to Voight, okay? I’ll ask for a different - “

“Hailey, come on. I know you know me better than that. I don’t care that you have a kid. What bothers me is the fact that you didn’t trust me enough to tell me.”

“I do trust you! I wanted to tell you, I just - I really didn’t know how. I don’t like talking about my past, okay? And she’s a big part of that and I knew you’d ask questions that I wasn’t ready to answer. Questions that I still don’t think I’m ready to answer, but I know that I have to.”

She wipes away at the tears that have since fallen and roll down her cheeks. She takes a deep breath, trying to calm her fast beating heart. This wasn’t how she planned to spend her evening. She hadn’t been anticipating this conversation happening the way it was and she can’t help feeling as though it’s getting away from her just like everything else has lately.

“I know I should have told you sooner. I know I hurt you and I’m sorry, Jay,” she tells him, her voice cracking with each word as they fall past her lips.

He shakes his head at her again, making her go quiet and he blows out a deep sigh as he tilts his head off to the side towards his truck parked on the street.

“I should go,” he says.

He takes a step back, ready to turn away from her, but she follows after him onto her front steps and calls out his name, making him freeze in place.

“Please just come inside and we can talk. I’ll try to explain. I - “

“Mama!”

Hailey turns around at the sound of Avery’s voice and a second later the little girl appears in the doorway behind her mother. She’s got a big smile on her face and completely unaware of the tension building around her.

“Are you gonna eat with us?” Her girl asks, but she’s quick as a whip just like her mother and her smile fades as she eyes Hailey suspiciously. “Why you cryin’ mama?”

Hailey swipes her hands under her eyes one more time and moves back to the door. She puts a smile on her face as best she can before kneeling down in front of her daughter.

“I’m fine baby. I’ll be in soon okay? Go eat with auntie,” Hailey tells her as she smiles through half-blurry eyes.

Avery gives her mother a look, scrunching her little eyebrows together, silently calling her mother out on the lie she tells her. She stares at Hailey for a moment until she notices Jay standing a few feet away with his eyes on them and she looks at him curiously. “Who are you?”

Jay glances between the little girl and Hailey, still reeling from the bomb that’s been dropped at his feet, and swallows almost nervously. He’s not sure if he should say something or just leave. Of all the things that had gone through his mind throughout the day as he worried over his partner, her having a kid he didn’t know about hadn’t even blipped the radar of possible scenarios.

He still doesn’t move, doesn’t say a word, and both his partner and her daughter stare back at him, waiting. He realizes he has a choice to make. That he could go home, take himself away from this uncomfortable situation, and drink the rest of his night away, but he’s pretty certain that doing that would also cost him his partnership and friendship with Hailey. And despite the confusion and the hurt he feels, he knows it’s not a choice he’s willing to make.

He walks forward until he’s just a couple steps away from them now. He forces a smile and gives a short wave of his hand, not wanting to scare the little girl in front of him.

“I’m Jay. What’s your name?”

Avery looks back at her mother, unsure and silently asking for permission.

“It’s okay. He’s a friend,” Hailey says as her eyes dart between her daughter and her partner, and Avery looks back at Jay.

“My name is Avery Charlotte Upton,” the little girl says with a shy smile as she leans in closer towards her mother.

“It’s very nice to meet you Avery Charlotte Upton. How old are you?” Jay asks as he grins back at her.

He thinks he should feel more frustrated than he does, should maybe be angry. He’s not entirely sure if he even has a right to feel the way he does at all, but the longer the little girl stares back at him, smiling with bright blue eyes that look so much like his partner’s, all of it somehow just floats away. As if the last ten minutes haven’t happened, as if he’s known about this little girl’s existence the whole time he’s known her mother.

“I’m three!” Avery tells him with another big smile as she holds up three little fingers. “Are you a police officer too?”

“Yeah, I work with your mom.”

“You get the bad guys with my mama?”

“I do.”

“Are you gonna have pizza with us?” Avery asks.

“I don’t think so,” Jay says as he shoots a glance at his partner. “I just came to talk to your mom.”

“Oh. You can have pizza if you want. Right mama? We can share,” Avery says looking back at Hailey.

Hailey can’t help the full smile that creeps onto her face as she looks back at her daughter and reaches out a hand to brush some of the little girl’s blonde hair out of her face. She’s so sweet and innocent and so smart for her age, but she has no idea of the situation that surrounds her. Hailey peeks over at Jay, catching him looking like a deer caught in headlights, as if he’s still not sure whether to stay where he stands or bolt. She knows there’s a conversation that needs to be had between them, one that she can’t put off any longer than she already has despite the trepidation she stills feels regarding her past.

“Yeah, we can share baby,” Hailey tells the little girl before she turns her head to look back at Jay. “Ya want a slice?”

He raises an eyebrow at her, clearly not expecting an invitation to stay after he was ready to walk away just moments ago, but he’s still hesitant and Hailey can tell.

“You sure?” Jay asks.

She knows what he’s really asking and she stands to her feet. “I owe you an explanation.”

“You don’t owe me anything Hailey,” he tells her.

“Yes, I do,” Hailey tells him as she leans down and lifts Avery into her arms. She settles the little girl on her hip and turns to look at her partner, giving a tilt of her head towards the inside of her house. “Come on.”

She’s expecting him to leave, but he surprises her when he takes the last few steps towards her and Avery, closing the distance until he’s right in front of them.

Hailey lets out a sigh of relief and leads him inside, Avery in her arms and distracted by a necklace hanging around her mother’s neck. Jay closes the door behind them and as he follows Hailey past the entryway and into the kitchen, he realizes this is the first time he’s ever been inside his partner’s house. He takes in the modern details as he sets the six pack in his hand down on the counter. Notices how clean the place is despite the fact that a young child lives there and he finds himself smiling when he spots several sheets of artwork hanging on the refrigerator that have no doubt been made by the little girl in his partner’s arms.

“Who’s this?”

Jay turns at the sound of a voice he doesn’t recognize and his eyes land on a brunette woman walking into the kitchen from the living room in back. The woman stands next to Hailey, giving him a once over, and he glances at his partner who sets Avery down on her feet.

“Vanessa, this is Jay, my partner in Intelligence. Jay, this is Vanessa,” Hailey says as she looks between the two, her eyes lingering on Vanessa for a moment.

The brunette’s eyes widen, a look of realization crossing her face as she looks between Hailey and Jay, and then she steps towards him with a smile as she extends a hand to him.

“It’s nice to finally meet you Jay. I’ve heard stories.”

“Nice to meet you too,” he smiles back kindly and shakes her hand, and then watches as she makes her way back to Hailey and Avery. “Good stories I hope.”

“Yeah,” Vanessa tells him, still beaming as if she knows a secret that he doesn’t, and then she gives a short nod down at Avery. “I’m the roommate and awesome auntie to this little one.”

“She’s also incredibly conceited and the annoying little sister I never wanted,” Hailey teases.

Vanessa scoffs at the blonde and sticks her tongue out at her, and Jay just smiles on as he watches their interaction.

“Case in point,” Hailey says as she gestures to her friend’s antics.

Vanessa just shrugs and looks back down at Avery, placing a hand on top of the little girl’s head. “Come on Ave. Let’s go finish our pizza and we’ll start a movie. What do ya wanna watch tonight?”

“What about mama?” Avery asks looking up at her mother and grabbing onto one of her hands.

Hailey squeezes her daughters hand and nods to the other woman. “You go with Vanessa and finish your dinner. I have to talk to my friend for a bit. I’ll come and watch with you after, okay?”

Avery shakes her head at Hailey. “You said pizza and movie night.”

“And we’re still doing it. You’re just starting without me for a little bit.”

“You promise?”

“I promise,” Hailey tells her, squeezing her hand again. “Go with auntie. I’ll be in soon.”

“Okay,” Avery sighs. She lets go of Hailey’s hand and takes Vanessa’s outstretched one, and the two disappear into the living room.

Hailey turns back to face her partner, but he’s standing off to the side of the kitchen now and looking at the frames of photos that hang on the wall. She walks over to him and smiles immediately when he sees what photo has his attention.

“It was her second birthday,” Hailey says as she stands beside him with her arms crossed in front of her chest. “She stuck her hands in the cake while we were singing, smeared it all over her face and then my face, and just shrieked over it. We were in such a laughing fit. Vanessa snapped the photo of us.”

“Looks like it was a fun day,” Jay says, his tone matching her quiet one as he turns his head to look at her, but her eyes don’t meet his.

“It was a great day. Every day is with her though. That kid’s laugh is my favorite sound in the whole world. It’s an instant mood lift. No matter what kinda day I’ve had.”

“Sounds like someone else I know,” Jay says and it makes her finally look over at him. He’s got a soft smile on his face and his eyes are kind, not a speck of anger held in them, but he can tell his words catch her off guard. “I just mean our jobs aren’t easy, ya know? But somehow with you as my partner, the bad days are a lot easier to deal with.”

She gives a short nod of her head at his explanation and then gestures her hand towards the kitchen. “Did you wanna grab a slice? A beer or something?”

“Nah, I’m good. Not very hungry,” he tells her.

“I know the feeling,” Hailey says.

She tilts her chin towards a hallway behind him and he follows after her as she leads him down the hall to an office. She closes the door behind them and they take a seat on a small couch pushed up against a wall.

She hasn’t looked at him directly since they entered the room, almost seemingly unable to, but he doesn’t take his eyes off of her. He watches as she takes a deep breath, her hands shaking in her lap, but he doesn’t speak. He knows this has to go at her own pace, so he waits.

Seconds that go by turn into several minutes, and then she’s taking another deep breath before she finally finds her voice.

“I’m not exactly sure how to start this conversation. I must have thought about it a thousand times and I still don’t know,” she says to him and he’s certain it’s the quietest he’s ever heard her speak. So quiet that if he wasn’t sitting as close to her as he is, he might have thought she hadn’t spoken at all.

He can’t imagine how difficult this must be for her, he doesn’t pretend to, and as confused and caught off guard as he was standing on her doorstep, all there is now is a need to understand. But he also knows he threw a curveball at her by showing up at her house announced and it’s put her in a tailspin. As much as he wants his questions answered, he doesn’t want to make her feel backed into a corner any further than he’s already made her feel and he needs her to know this.

“Hailey, we really don’t have to do this tonight,” he tells her, his voice as soft as he can make it so as to not make her uncomfortable or feel worse than she already so obviously feels.

Hailey turns her head, eyes landing on his within a second, and he quickly notices the way hers glisten again with fresh tears and with what he thinks looks to be confusion of her own.

“Why aren’t you angry? You should be mad at me. You should hate me.”

“I don’t hate you, Hailey. I could never hate you. I’ll admit, I was pretty confused outside. I’m still confused, but not angry. When I saw her, it was like a rug had been pulled out from under me and knocked me on my ass, but I don’t care that you have a kid. I’m just hurt that you felt like you couldn’t tell me, even when you thought too much time had passed.”

She looks at him for a moment, seeing nothing but sincerity in his eyes as he stares back at her, and all the worry and stress she’s felt over the last few months somehow begin to just slip away.

“Every time I thought about telling you, I just panicked. We work really well together and you’re one of the best partners I’ve ever had. I didn’t wanna lose that so I just kept putting it off. I wasn’t lying when I said I haven’t been sleeping well. The last few days, weeks even. I haven’t been sleeping at all really. I keep having these flashes, these nightmares. Things I really wish I could forget.”

He gives a slow nod and leans forward, resting his elbows on his knees. He’s not sure if she’ll say anything more when she drops her gaze to the floor, but he keeps his eyes on her and waits, and then he remembers.

Remembers how she nearly jumped out of her skin when he startled her, shrugged off his hands when he touched her. The way her own hands trembled, her whole body nearly shaking. He’d recognized the behavior easily enough as a form of post-traumatic stress, but he hadn’t wanted to push her despite how concerned he had been for her. How concerned he still is. Especially now when her hands are shaking again and she’s trying so hard to control her breathing.

“The truck...and the break room today,” he says softly, a linger tone of question laced through his words.

Hailey glances over at him and his assumption is further confirmed by the look in her eyes. She runs a hand through her hair as she breathes in, blows it out, and her eyes fall back down to the floor.

“I was undercover with my partner. His name was Garrett, but we weren’t just partners. We were together.”

Her face contorts in an almost painful way as if the words she speaks are shards of glass slicing at her throat as they tumble out through her quivering lips.

“When you say was?”

“Yeah,” she whispers, wiping under her eyes as the tears she’s been holding back finally slip down her cheeks. “The undercover gig went sideways and I got hurt. Really hurt. I was in the hospital for a while and when I was there, he went missing. He was presumed dead, but we never found his body. We were pretty sure it was a revenge thing. We just couldn’t prove it.”

He knows there’s more to come and he watches her as she swallows back, trying to keep the fresh batch of tears that pool in her eyes from escaping and she continues.

“Eight weeks later, I’m back at the hospital getting my evals done to go back to work. Nurse comes in, tells me I’m pregnant. I kinda lost it after that. My Sergeant put me on leave for another month, told me to get my head right. I went to therapy for a while, but I stopped going when Avery was about a year old. I just didn’t have it in me anymore, ya know,” she pauses, glancing up at him for a brief moment. He gives a slow nod, letting her know he’s still there, still with her. “Garrett was gone and I knew we’d never find him. One of those ‘is what it is’ kinda things I guess. My head still isn’t quite right, but I just kinda learned to live with the ghosts.”

As she speaks it takes everything inside him not to reach out for her. It’s a sudden urge, a need that he can’t quite explain, and all he wants is to wrap an arm around her and hold her against him. He’s never seen this part of his partner before. This complete rawness, this vulnerability that she’s trusting him with despite how it takes so much out of her.

He stares at her. It’s all he can do. His eyes burning into hers and the sight of her face as she looks back at him makes his chest ache. Eyes red and swollen from all the tears she’s cried since he showed up on her doorstep, and then follows the moment where he hates himself.

He’s the reason she’s crying, divulging to him some of her deepest and darkest secrets, and he can’t take it anymore as he runs a hand through his hair and blows out a long winded breath.

“Jesus Hailey,” he breathes out as he leans back against the couch cushions.

“Not what you were expecting huh? Maybe a one night stand or a douchebag ex that just took off after knocking me up,” she says trying to lighten the mood, but it doesn’t work. His heart is broken for her.

“Did you have anyone? Family? Friends?” Jay asks, ignoring her attempt to make a joke at her own expense.

Hailey gives a slight shrug of her shoulders and leans back against the couch, running a hand through her hair again and trying to ignore the pounding that starts ricocheting inside her skull.

“Vanessa is the only friend I had through all of it,” she tells him and then she lets out an almost maniacal chuckle. “God, if it weren’t for her, I don’t even know how my life would be right now.”

“No family?” He asks carefully, it not being lost on him how she evades that part of his question.

She shakes her head. “Not really. The only real family I have are my two brothers, they live out of state, and I barely talk to my parents. I don’t have the best relationship with ‘em. They all know about Avery though, they’ve met her, but they don’t know the details like you and Vanessa do.”

“I’m really glad you weren’t alone,” he tells her.

“Me too,” she whispers.

He pulls himself forward on the couch and turns his body so he’s facing her completely and she looks at him, almost expectantly.

“Hailey, I - “

“You don’t have to say anything Jay. I know it’s a lot.”

He shakes his head at her. “I just wanted to thank you for telling me. For trusting me with it.”

Jay keeps his eyes on hers and when she doesn’t break their gaze he says, “Ya know, earlier when you said you owed me an explanation? You didn’t owe me any of what you just told me. I can see what it’s done to you and I need you to know that it doesn’t change anything for me. You’re still my partner.”

Hailey was certain she couldn’t cry any more tears than she already has tonight in front of him, but as soon as he says those words to her there’s a familiar sting in the corners of her eyes again. She looks over at the man sitting beside her through slightly blurred vision and does her best to offer him a small smile.

“Thanks for listening. For staying,” Hailey tells him.

The urge to reach for her takes over again and before Jay can think twice he stretches out his arm towards her. He lifts his hand, moving slowly so he doesn’t spook her, shifting his eyes between her face and her shoulder. When she nods her head at his silent question he places his hand on her shoulder and gives it a gentle squeeze.

“We’re good Hailey. We’re always gonna be good.”

Her bottom lip quivers and he can’t be sure if the way she breathes out a sigh of relief is because of his touch or his words, but he squeezes his hand once more before he pulls it away from her and sets it back down in his lap.

A veil of silence soon settles over them as they sit on the couch together and the heaviness of their conversation slowly starts to thin out. Her tears dry, leaving splotches on her skin, and her fast beating heart has slowed, allowing her to breathe a little easier. Her eyes are going to be swollen in the morning and she’s definitely going to wake with a headache, but she somehow feels lighter after finally opening up to him and telling him the truth.

They continue to sit side by side for a little while longer, enjoying the comfortable silence they’ve somehow fallen into, until Hailey lifts a hand and gestures to the closed door of the office.

“I should probably get out there. I promised her a movie night,” Hailey tells him, using both of her hands to give a final swipe under her eyes.

Jay gives her a quick nod and the two of them stand from the couch. He follows out behind her and they head towards the living room.

They find Vanessa sitting at one end of a couch, dim light illuminating the room from a nearby lamp, and as he and Hailey get closer he spots the mini version of his partner cuddled into the side of the young brunette. She’s got a stuffed teddy bear under an arm and her blue eyes are completely transfixed by the animated movie playing on the television.

Jay watches as Hailey walks behind the couch and leans over the back of it, down towards the little girl.

“Ave?” Hailey whispers.

Avery turns her head up and her whole face lights up when her eyes land on Hailey, who is beaming at her daughter and it causes Jay to smile at the sight in front of him.

“I’m gonna say goodnight to my friend and then I’ll be right back, okay? Just another couple minutes,” Hailey tells her.

“Okay mama,” Avery says before her eyes land on Jay standing back behind Hailey.

There’s no hesitation this time when he smiles and waves a hand at her again before he says, “Bye Avery.”

“Bye,” she says to him with a quiet little voice and a toothy grin before turning her attention back to the movie.

He catches Vanessa tilting her head at him with a look in her eyes he once again can’t read, but he smiles at her regardless, offers her a goodbye wave as well, and then Hailey is leading him back through the kitchen. She stops at the island, points down to the forgotten six pack he had left on the counter earlier, and then looks up at him.

Jay waves her off and throws a smirk at her. “You keep it. My parting gift for ruining what should have been a fun night for you.”

“You didn’t ruin it,” she tells him, reaching for the pack and putting it in the fridge. “But I’ll never turn down free beer.”

Jay shakes his head as he follows her to the front door and they stand in the entryway for a few beats until Hailey tilts her head and stares at him with a raised eyebrow.

“What?”

“I have a question,” he says.

“I know. Shoot.”

“Does Voight know?”

“Yeah, Platt too,” she tells him, not missing a beat. “They’re the only ones that know, well, besides you now. It’s why I don’t usually get called in on Sundays. So I can have at least one full day with her with no interruptions.”

“It’s all making so much sense now,” he says with a smirk. “How often our D.O. falls on Sunday, all those times I asked where you were when it didn’t. Little scary how good Voight is at lying.”

A small smile appears on her face, but it’s quickly gone a second later, an almost dreadful look coming over her.

“Um, look, I don’t want you thinking I don’t trust you because that’s not the case at all, but - “

“I’m not gonna say anything Hailey. Your secrets are safe with me.”

It should probably scare her just how well he knows her. How easy it is for him to know exactly what she needs without having to even say it or ask for it, but somehow it doesn’t.

She gives a slow nod and then lets out a breath of relief. “Thank you.”

He nods back and steps away from her, opening the door, and he steps out onto the front steps.

“I’ll see ya tomorrow?”

“Yeah,” she says. “Thank you, again, for - well, for being you. I’m still not sure I deserve it, but – “

“Hailey, I meant it in the parking lot earlier and I still mean it now. If you need anything, I’m here for you,” he tells her and then he nods behind her. “For both of you. Okay?”

She’s still not sure she deserves his kindness. Especially when she was so certain he would hate her, but he looks at her with those same sincere eyes, no anger or lies to be found in them, and it makes her eyes burn again with more tears.

“Okay,” she whispers.

“Goodnight, for real this time. I promise I won’t show back up unannounced later,” he attempts to joke, hoping it’ll get her to smile again, and when she does he grins back at her.

“Goodnight,” she tells him.

With one more nod of his head he turns around and walks to his truck, and when he hops up into the cab Hailey closes the door, locking it up for the night.

She turns around, dropping her head back against the door, and blows out a long breath of relief. Relief for finally telling him, despite it being unplanned, but she told him. It hadn’t been easy or pretty, but she told him and he didn’t hate her, and they would still be partners.

She doesn’t know how tomorrow will go, how she’ll tell the rest of the team or when, but she still has him, and somehow it’s enough for now. The thought of those unknowns don’t cause her panic or fear like she once believed they would, like they used to.

It brings an unfamiliar feeling instead, one she can’t quite place. It’s one that has her thinking that tonight might be the first in a really long time where she might actually sleep through the night.

#upstead #upstead fic #upstead fanfiction #hailey upton #jay halstead #chicago pd #cpd fic #jay x hailey

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horseluvr00-ff · 5 years ago

Text

A Place to Call Home | Prologue

Rating: T+

Fandom: Marvel Cinematic Universe

Genre/Warnings: action/adventure/family / kidnapping, violence, strong language

Summary: It’s been a few months since the Battle of New York. Steve Rogers is acclimating to life when he crosses paths with teenager Katelyn Sanders, a SHIELD recruit and highly valued asset with a dark past. Follow Kate’s adventure from SHIELD asset to Avenger to wanted fugitive over the course of her youth and into adulthood with her Avenging family. Follows Infinity Saga and beyond.

Words: 2,001 (Prologue below)

Author Note: This is the rewrite, for anyone who may have read the original. Updates occur weekly on Fridays.

Available on FanFiction.net and A03 here and here

Check out the Prologue below

Turning the frying pan over I quickly nudged all of the eggs off and onto the plate with a spatula. Setting the pan back down onto the burner I quickly took the plate to the island, setting it next to the plate of bacon.

“Breakfast!” I yell, breathing out quietly after speaking. Leaning back against the counter next to the stove I let my eyes close momentarily.

Even if I did sleep over the past several days, its safe to assume the sleep I’ve been getting hasn’t done much help.

“Good morning,” I cleared my throat before speaking, turning with a small smile as Danielle, Bladen, and Nadia walk in. “Avery still asleep?” Adjusting my stance I quickly turned, grabbing a spare plate off the counter before going to collect the toast from the toaster.

“Yeah, believe it or not, it didn’t take as long this time.” Dani gives a small shrug before flashing a quick and brief smile.

“Thank you,” I sigh, placing the plate down onto the counter before resting my hands along the edge, meeting her eyes.

“How was it yesterday?” Bladen asks, his arms loosely crossing on the counter surface as he took a seat at one of the stools at the island opposite me.

I was quiet for several seconds, meeting his eyes before looking away momentarily.

“We’re working on it.”

“How’s your team?” Nadia.

“Holding it together. Best they can.” I nod, turning as I took a deep breath before opening the fridge, grabbing both the apple juice and orange juice. I take in a quiet breath, turning to place both on the counter before I began collecting glasses from the cabinet next to the fridge. “Lunch is in the fridge. I just put together some sandwiches. Dinner is leftovers from last night.” I explain, meeting the eyes of the three in front of me before setting down a small stack of plates at the end of the island from where the food was, silverware already next to said stack.

“When will you be back?”

The voice caused my eyes to snap over to the edge of the room where the hall was, seeing Antonio holding his stuffed lion, rubbing his eyes groggily with his spare hand.

Damn it. I was hoping to get out before too many noticed my absence.

I smile gently before quietly walking over to him.

“Well,” I grunt, picking him up. “I’ll be heading back tonight, but you’ll be fast asleep by the time I get home. So you’ll see me tomorrow.” I explain gently, combing some of the curls out of the way of his eyes before setting him down on the stool next to Bladen.

I exchange a small glance with Bladen, who caught on not a second later.

“Let’s get you some food buddy.” He smirks, grabbing one of the plates before getting the spoon, collecting a small portion of eggs.

“I don’t like toast.” Antonio mumbles, copying Bladen’s previous position with his arms crossed on the island surface.

I smile, meeting Danielle’s eyes for a moment.

“You like toast, Nio. It’s the crust you don’t like.” Nadia chuckles, meanwhile getting a plate for herself too.

I gesture towards the sliding door and Danielle nods before walking over. I could feel her a few feet behind me as I opened the door and stepped out onto the small shaded patio. Closing it behind me I took a few steps to the side before lowering to sit on the edge of the bench against the exterior wall.

“You sure you’re okay w-”

“We talked about this,” Dani mutters, cutting me off.

I pause, lips still parted before I gave a small nod. Swallowing I glanced out at the fenced yard briefly.

“Things aren’t looking good… are they,” Her expression was calm but her eyes said otherwise. There was a fear there. She was scared.

Hell, so was I. I was scared shitless… Like I would admit that.

“It’s only been a week since-… It happened. We’re working on it, Dani.” I explain quietly.

She is silent before nodding, bringing a hand to the back of her head as she scratched gently, her long black curly hair falling around her shoulders as she pulled some of it forward.

“I- think I know what you’re going, I get that you need some time alone that you haven’t got.”

“You sure you’ll be okay here?”

“You leave us here all the time for the raids, K.” Dani breathes a small laugh before nodding. “We’ll be fine.”

I clench my jaw briefly in response before nodding.

I guess she’s right. I hadn’t really had any time to myself since- since this all happened.

“Will you let the others know?” I turn, my brow knit gently as I met her eyes.

“Course,” She nods.

“I don’t want any of you leaving the house,” My voice was firm but still a bit gentle. “Keep the gate locked, you can be in the backyard but I don’t want any of you treading too far. It’s not safe out there right now.”

“I’ll keep em reeled in.” She held up her pinky with a smirk, other fingers loosely closed in a fist.

Feeling a small smile cross my face I reciprocate the gesture, locking her pinky finger with mine briefly before dropping the hand and getting to my feet.

“For Avery, I uh, didn’t write out a list but I usually feed her-”

“Twice before noon, two to three times after. Couple healthy snacks somewhere in there, and she takes a few naps during the day. Diaper changes vary. I know, I live here too ya know.” She grins.

Closing my eyes for a moment I subtly roll them seconds later before nodding.

“Fair, enough.” I breathe before shaking my head, pulling her into a tight hug.

“Be safe… Make good decisions.” She sighs, her voice light but-… still serious.

My eyes were unfocused, gazing through the sliding door and into the kitchen where everyone was.

No promises there, Dani.

~0~

My pace was rather quick as I made my way across the courtyard-like area in front of one of the science and technology buildings in Wakanda… where I used to meet up with Shuri. During last night’s meeting, I got permission through Okoye to come by again.

I meet her eyes as I come to a stop outside the building, seeing her waiting there along with Jaman, and two others, part of the Dora Milaje.

“Sorry this was on such short notice.” I mumble, exchanging a small glance with Jaman, giving a nod before meeting the General’s eyes.

She just gives a small shake of her head before glancing over towards Jaman.

“Worse things have happened.” She responds.

“Nice sarcasm.” I nod, breathing out.

“Hmm,” Her eyebrows shot up for a moment before falling as she gestured to Jaman, causing him to come forward several feet.

“Thank you,” I mumble, holding out a hand.

She met my eyes once again before glancing down, taking my hands a few moments later to shake it.

“You’re welcome.” She responds before glancing out towards the area less populated with buildings, where I was headed. “Stay as long as you need.”

“Won’t be here too long, but thank you.” I give the briefest of smiles before meeting Jaman’s eyes yet again with a friendly gaze.

Okoye gestured to her comrades seconds later and departed, leaving me alone with Jaman.

“Hey,” He smiles, taking a couple steps closer.

I pull together a smile for him before stepping forward to hug him tightly.

“I know you want to be alone, but I thought I’d say hello when you got here.”

“I’m glad you did,” I breathe, eyes closed before I step away, meeting his eyes with a smile. “It’s good to see you.”

“Likewise,” He smiles gently before his eyes glanced towards the direction I was heading - out of the city. “Let me know if you need anything.”

“I will, thank you.” I grasped his forearm gently for a moment.

He was being so understanding. Despite the guilt I felt, I know he didn’t blame me for any of this. He was suffering, just as I was… As we all were.

He eyes me calmly for a few seconds before nodding in response, gesturing out with his free hand.

~0~

It was a trip I had taken a million times. I could do it blindfolded. As I came to a stop at the top of the hill, I felt my chest tighten up at the sight. It looked the same, but-… Something wasn’t right. Most of the plant-life was dead, decayed… The quaint little hut appeared abandoned; only a few goats remained, and one cow.

Clenching my jaw I took a deep breath before stepping forward, picking up a light pace as I made my way down the hill.

It took longer than it usually did when I would walk this same path time and time again. When I would scramble to get my head on straight and my ducks in a row before getting down to that damned hut and retarded goats. Then it felt like a few seconds. But right now it’s taking a century.

I came to a stop as I got to the bottom of the hill, hesitating a moment as I evaluated what animals were left before my eyes met the hut. My feet were moving before I gave them permission to and suddenly I was at the door of the small shelter, the familiar smell hitting my nose like a truck as I closed my eyes for a moment, almost startled at the smell.

It was faint, but strong enough; familiar… comforting. My eyes burned as I quickly blinked the sensation away.

I stepped into the doorway, taking in the small space. Nothing had been touched. Everything was the same from the last time I saw it. The makeshift bed on the floor to the left, a blanket tousled and thrown in a ball on top of it. Other small belongings and quirky objects were about the space as well.

My eyes catch something brightly colored and I glanced back towards the bed, seeing something by the blanket.

My feet carry me into the space and I reach out, grabbing the object half hidden by the blanket before pulling it into view, smiling.

Fritt Bar. Damn, I remember tossing this in here a week ago. Surprised one of the kids didn’t snatch it.

Closing my hand around it I shake my head before exiting the hut, going to my usual spot before sitting down against the exterior wall.

It was quiet. It was never quiet. There were always crickets, maybe some cicadas… But it was quiet. And the space around me felt more empty and unnatural than ever.

“I’m- sorry all this happened… ” The words left my mouth before I could realize I was talking to no one. I was alone.

I clench my jaw briefly before giving the smallest shake of my head, the Fritt bar being lightly turned in my hands as I thought.

“…I’m gonna fix this. I promise.”

The burning feeling came over me as my eyes watered and I quickly shook my head, blinking away what tears were to form. Breathing out, my shoulders sag and I lean back against the exterior wall, my eyes meeting the sky.

What are you upset about. We’re going to fix this… We have to.

My eyes turn out towards the trees and body of water ahead and my mind begins to wander. Wander to-… Too many things. Like how this all even happened. …How the hell did I even get here… How did any of this happen?

Available on FanFiction.net and A03 here and here

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