#Australia Travel Diary | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

callmewrinkles3 · 11 months ago

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When Emma Falls in Love - DR3 x Fem!OC

Summary: Christmas involves the same thing every year for Em. A week in Liverpool, formal clothing, and returning to her apartment to shower and have a bottle of wine to forget how bad it was. But this year she's spending it in Australia with Dan and his family. No big deal.

Words: 11.4k

Warnings: Mentions of past bad relationships, mentions of cheating, mentions of toxic family relationships. Panic attacks, worry, mentions of sex (but nothing explicit) and mentions of sex toys.

AN: HEEEEEEEYYYYYYYY remember us? First things first - apologies for how long this took. The plan was Christmas, but life has been ridiculous and too busy and we just apologise. Thank you for still being here and enjoying reading more about Em and Dan!

December 2018

When she was growing up, Em never kept a diary. She was the odd one out for many reasons in primary school, that was just one of them. She was too afraid of her mother finding it when “cleaning”, reading what was on her mind and telling her to stop. She hadn’t started it as a kid, and it didn’t begin when she was an adult either. But if she did have one, the first words on the page for December 22, 2018, would have been "I think I'm in love with Dan." And to say "I think" would have been a blatant lie because she knew.

She knew that night in the bar for his birthday that she was going to fall for him. She knew in Philadelphia as she sang that she only bought that dress for him to take off. She knew in Austin when he kissed her in front of another woman.

That morning in July when she woke up from one of the greatest nights of sleep in her life with Dan’s arms around her and his snoring lulling her back to sleep like white noise. Every single time he let Blake out of their shared taxi first and circled the block to come into hers when he got back from travelling. The way he never arrived home without a bouquet of flowers because she’d once said she never thought she could buy herself some. But that afternoon in Perth she couldn’t hide from the realisation anymore.

She’d been working in the early afternoon after she made lunch for the two of them and Isaac, coming out to find her boys napping on the couch. The plan had been for them to watch a film while they waited for her but toddlers were not known for their patience. She couldn’t blame Isaac for sleeping, and once Dan got comfy he could nod off anywhere.

The two of them had been up early that morning picking Isaac up for a day out and a sleepover to let Michelle finish getting ready for Christmas. Once they made it back to the farm it was running around and playing at the pool with a stop for lunch. Em had prepped sandwiches for their lunch before disappearing to work for a few hours so she didn’t fall even further behind. And now they were fast asleep, blond curls against Dan’s off season stubble.

The craving to curl up on the couch and cuddle into them was overwhelming. There was nothing else she wanted at that moment, just hug them and kiss Dan and stay there forever. But she couldn’t.

Yes, she was Auntie Emmy to Isaac - a fact he’d announced to them that morning running to greet her with chubby cheeks and “ANNIE EMMYYYYYYYY” - but Auntie Emmy was Uncle Dan’s friend. And nothing else.

She was just his friend. Even though she was the only one sleeping in his bed, even when he was basically living in her crappy flat in London. Even when it was her name he groaned out when they were together as he pulled her close. And that was why she couldn’t admit it to him. Admitting it to herself felt nearly too much.

It hurt. Oh it ached. But it was better to hurt a little bit and enjoy getting to have Danny in the way that so many people didn’t know Daniel Ricciardo, than say how she felt and break the spell. She could suck it up and bury her feelings and stay by his side as his best friend. If she didn’t say it out loud then it wasn’t real and if it wasn’t real then it couldn’t hurt her badly.

And she couldn’t tell him. She couldn’t see his face fall, couldn’t hear “we said we were just friends, nothing more.”. Couldn’t bear to have to leave people who for the first time in her life seemed to actually like her because she’d ruined it. So she’d stay quiet and get to have Christmas with people who seemed to want her there. She’d enjoy summer in December and have those weeks. Especially if it meant she got time with Isaac.

Em had fallen in love with him the first time she met him in real life in Abu Dhabi, and the feeling was mutual. She could count how many times she’d seen him in person on both hands, but he was as crazy about her as she was about him. His cheeky smile warmed up her heart. The way he ran to give her a hug after the first time they met was one of her favourite things in the world. How he reached out to her so she would hold him during the insanity of that first weekend. But it was the way that he was so much like Dan that made her heart grow ten sizes.

Physically they didn’t look alike apart from those curls they’d all inherited from Grace, but their personalities were identical. Dan joked it was why Isaac liked spending so much time with her, but she smiled and brushed it off. For her own sanity she couldn’t let that get into her head. She couldn’t do it. Not when whatever they were had an expiration date and she didn’t know how long it would last.

All of that combined meant she couldn’t resist watching them for an extra couple of moments, enjoying how relaxed they were snoozing together. She took a photo of them with her phone to secure the memory forever. She wasn’t sure what caused him to stir, if it was the small noise from the camera or if it was her moving, but Dan opened his eyes slowly and focused on her. A smile began to go across his face.

“Wanna join us? We can stay like this for a while.”

She desperately wanted to say yes. She wanted to lie down next to Dan and fall asleep with his arm around her. But she shouldn’t and she couldn’t. Anything that wasn’t at least platonic seeming had to stay just them. Sure Dan had put an arm around her shoulder or waist with his parents, but not with Isaac. She didn’t want that with him. He was too small and she didn’t want to confuse him with acting like a couple when they weren’t. If she couldn’t explain what was happening to herself then she couldn’t to him.

“I’m gonna get a start on dinner,” Em whispered, blurting out the first excuse she could think of. “Is pasta ok?”

The moment the words left her lips, she made her one fatal mistake. Kissing the top of Dan's head and then Isaac's cheek. It was supposed to be the briefest moment, a peck and then go to the kitchen. But the moment she leaned down to kiss Isaac's head his litttle hand reached out for her, not letting go. He didn't say anything, just grumbled and rubbed his head against Dan's chest before settling back down.

"I think you have to stay for a while. C'mon." He shifted slightly to let her slip beside them, settling down. "I know what you're thinking. It's fine."

"Danny-"

"I promise. It's fine." She should have stood straight up and headed out. Before she could even think about moving away Isaac woke up enough to smile at her, moving across to have half his body over Em, half on Dan. Then she was definitely not going anywhere, not when his tiny hand clung to her shirt to hold her there.

"I always knew he'd be a heartbreaker and steal someone's girl at some point in his life. I just never imagined it'd be mine."

"He's got that Ricciardo grin and those curls, what can I say?" Dan chuckled lowly at her words, his chest shaking as he held it back.

"That's not fair, I saw you first."

"I'm not some toy, you don't need to fight him over me."

"I mean if I need to I will." It was Em's turn to keep her laughter down, swallowing it so she didn't wake the sleeping toddler.

"No, it's fine. You don't need to."

"Just had to be sure."

She really didn't mean to fall asleep. She shouldn't have, she wanted to just stay for five minutes before carefully moving Isaac across and standing up to do something. But having Dan's chest as a pillow and Isaac as a tiny weighted blanket didn't help her. Dan smelled like the shower gel they were using and home, Isaac's baby shampoo mixing and making her feel peaceful and dozing off easily.

When she opened her eyes she thought she'd find her fast asleep boys, but instead they were wide awake. The youngest was staring at the film he hadn't finished, the oldest looking straight down at her when Em looked up.

How was she not supposed to fall in love with him? That broad smile and big eyes and how was she supposed to keep it platonic when he looked at her like she hung the moon and stars every single day. He called her his moon once and the compliment made her blush for a week. It was impossible to not fall in love with him, and that was the moment she admitted it. The way he stole tiny kisses while Isaac was distracted. She was gone.

They stayed like that for the afternoon, what was supposed to be a homemade meal turning into driving out for pizza for the three of them. Isaac stayed on her hip until they got him into a highchair, laughing and enjoying his food. She felt at home and happy and was so glad she was there.

It was why she said yes when he asked her what she was doing for Christmas and if she wanted to come to Australia with him. She missed him when he had a double header abroad, she couldn't imagine spending six weeks apart when he went home for Christmas. They could have done it and would have been fine. They'd done it before, but that was before feelings and sex and friends with benefits was added to the mix they had going on.

Em missed him back when they just texted and had a couple of calls, so she had to say yes. But it was terrifying to get on that plane with Dan to go to Perth. It took a call from Grace insisting she wanted Em there and everyone was looking forward to seeing her to make Em feel like it was ok.

Once she made the decision to go to Australia to spend weeks there with Dan it wasn't too scary, but the fact that she was introduced to Dan's world was. Especially now that she was slowly admitting that she'd fallen in love with him. Since the start Em had tried to deny it to herself, insist that it wasn't true. That she had no feelings for him apart from friendship and being proud of him.

But that was like saying the sun wasn't going to come out the next day. On those days where Em wasn't sure about it herself, he made her sure. If she didn't know better she'd think that was his own personal mission to make her fall in love with him. There were texts, calls, facetimes when he probably didn't have time. A text telling her to open the door because she had a delivery. How could she not fall for him?

The easiest way to fall in love with him was what he did every single trip home. She'd leave a sandwich in the fridge before she went to bed, and he came back to her tiny apartment. He had his own one that he could be in, he could go back to somewhere comfy and warm rather than her tiny one bed where the heating rarely worked. But he stayed with her. He took over doing things to make her life better, buying new sheets that were more expensive than she'd ever pay because they were softer and calling the landlord to make him fix the heating after he came back from Brazil and the apartment was freezing.

She couldn't help falling deeper and deeper in love with him when he slid into bed and wrapped his arms around her, whispering how happy he was to be back home. He could have been comfortable and warm in his apartment but instead he was there with her. The chill in the air was ignored as they pulled whatever clothes were on off, Dan marking her body as his. Week after week that was exactly what happened in beds around the world as she travelled to the US and Abu Dhabi to watch him race. She was starting to believe that maybe they did belong together as night after night they got into the same bed, whispering sweet nothings and bringing each other pleasure before curling up to sleep.

It's what happened at the farm when they were alone. Officially Em had a guest room to herself, but Dan's room became theirs. She spent so much of her days stepping outside of her comfort zone, it was exhausting and made her stomach ball up, but being with him was easy. Waking up with his arms around her was perfect. Getting into bed with him every night felt normal. It was terrifying and normal and brilliant. It was easy for her once she got over her worries, especially after that day with Isaac on the couch. His tiny hand over her chest became the reminder that what she thought would be a bad day wasn't so bad. It's part of why she wished Isaac could have been there the night she met Dan's friends.

She knew what coming to Australia when Dan went home for the winter break involved. And when she was invited she didn't even think about it, just went for it. She knew she was going to be introduced to his favourite places in his hometown, spending most of their nights out on the farm, getting to be around his family, and some nights out with his home friends to meet them. She could excuse herself once or twice from nights out because she was never a big fan of it, but she could let the social butterfly she was accompanying go out to hang out with people. He didn't get to see his friends for most of the year, she was more than happy to stay home with her huge to read list on her kindle or a good movie.

But Dan wanted her there. He wanted to spend time with her and his friends and have them all together, and she couldn't say no to those big brown eyes. Spending time with his family was easy, she knew most of them and those she didn't know at least knew of him. But the bigger issue was when she met his friends.

It was supposed to be easy. A get together with his mates so they could catch up and everyone who lived in Perth could finally meet the famous Em. There was just one problem.

Em wasn't good with people.

It wasn't that people didn't like her, it wasn't even that she didn't like people, it was that whenever she was around people she got tired quickly and couldn't deal with them for too long. Dan was one of the rare people she didn't hate being around for more than a few minutes. He'd promised it wouldn't be anything fancy or crazy, that she didn't need to stress about it, but she still worried.

She liked to think that it would have been different if they met somewhere else. In a bar or club where she could have made an excuse to go outside for a few minutes, be somewhere neutral. But meeting at the farm was somehow worse. Dan had told her to stay by his side and she did, but she felt like she was being a bother. He told her that she didn't need to do anything, she was a guest too, but her mother's words kept going around in her head. She should be helpful, she should be useful, she should be this that and the other. If she didn't help at gatherings then what use was she? Sitting next to Dan cutting tomatoes and onions for the burgers wasn't enough.

She shouldn't feel like she was suffocating when she was with his friends. They all seemed lovely, the guys who'd known Dan since he was a kid and told her stories about what he got up to in school, girlfriends who were genuinely sweet asking her about England and her work. But it felt like it was too much. The flickering light from the firepit and the music playing and the voices made her brain go a million miles an hour, all she wanted was to get out of there. Curl up and bed and read a book. She stood there smiling and she couldn't even lean against Dan because they were supposed to be just friends. They were friends. It's how he introduced her. Em, his friend from England. Not Emmy, that was only for him, but Em.

Nobody there had any idea that as soon as the parties and dinners were over he snuck into her bed. That when he got back from being all around the world he came to her home. She was just Em and she had no idea what she was doing there. She didn't know what they were but just friends didn't cut it anymore, and even being outside on the farm it felt like she couldn't get a deep breath into her lungs. The air slowly left her body and she could barely get it in.

She wouldn't forgive herself if she ruined Dan's night. He was so happy there, tanned and grinning as he talked to people. Em decided another beer to replace her empty one and a deep breath in the kitchen would help. Just two minutes away from the crowd. She went in, grabbed two bottles from the fridge and took a few deep breaths to calm herself down. She could do it. She'd be fine and she'd get through the rest of this night. She could do it.

"Thought you were into blondes, mate," it was clear as a bell even through the noise, a dagger hitting into Em's chest. Did she seem like just a girl?

"Shut up, it's not like that." She knew they were just friends. But hearing it like that was different. It was the straw that broke the camel's back and she didn't remember the last time she wanted to cry that badly. She wanted the ground to open up beneath her and just swallow her whole so she can hide but she wasn’t lucky enough. She blinked back tears, ignoring the knot growing in her stomach and the anxiety seeping into every pore. Em’s heart raced and she could hear the whooshing sound in her eardrums. Why was she there? The questions bubbled through her brain but that was the loudest. Why did Dan invite her there? Why was she there? Why did he want her to be in Perth?

Em couldn’t stay there anymore. If she stayed out with everyone she’d break down and start crying and the last thing Dan needed was her dramatics. She didn’t want to ruin the reunion and the good time he was having. So she took a deep breath, had a sip of her beer, and pretended she heard nothing. She just needed to keep it together for long enough so Dan didn’t suspect anything. She could smile and nod as if she didn’t care about what his mates said.

All she needed to do was pretend that she was fine, and then she could run back inside and be alone. She felt terrible just thinking about it. She couldn't do one fucking thing right and be a normal person for one night and have a normal night. It just made her feel awful for Dan because he had done everything to make her comfortable. Not just that night, but he'd changed his home so she felt at home. He insisted he was in charge of the burgers so that he could make one that was cooked the way she enjoyed it - a squirt of ketchup, one slice of cheese, wrapped in two napkins so her fingers didn't get greasy. He got her a Coke Zero or a lemon San Pellegrino so she had options when she didn't want a beer. There were even some of her favourite songs on his playlist for that night, Paramore playing out over the group. He did every single thing right. But she was ruining it all.

Em tried hiding how she was feeling but it was useless. The second she was back at Dan's side he knew something was wrong. The question was quiet, asking if she was ok, but her nod was too fast and she could tell that he didn't quite believe her. Dan's brown eyes stayed on her as she tipped the rest of her bottle back.

"Mind if I head to bed?" She was proud of how even her voice sounded.

"You sure you're ok? What's up?"

"I'm fine, just jetlagged and tired still. I'll be fine."

"See you in a lil bit?" She didn't answer him, making excuses and quick comments so she didn't start crying around new to her people. It was saying how lovely it was to meet them and saying they'd get coffee or meet before she went back to England. She was so polite and correct she almost sounded like her mother and it made her want to vomit. A final quick squeeze on Dan's shoulder and she was gone.

As soon as she was in the house she just had to do a quick trip to the bathroom, change her clothes, and go into bed. But she couldn’t go into the room she'd been sleeping in. That was Dan's bedroom and she couldn't switch the light on or people would see. So in the fading light of dusk she grabbed her pjs, the book she'd been reading, and the bottle of water she kept on her nightstand. From there she went to the guest room that was supposed to be her room. Dan had mentioned it'd be her room in Abu Dhabi, just across from his. That first night he'd insisted she didn't have to sleep there if she didn't want to and they'd ended up in his bedroom and Em didn't want to leave. But now she had to be in her own room. It'd be fine.

The last thing she wanted anyone to see was her crying. Somehow she got the door of the guest room closed without letting out a sob, panic growing in her chest. Stupid, stupid, stupid. She shouldn't be crying. She had no reason to cry. She knew what she was doing.

Her back slid against the door as she ended up on the ground. Her sobs turned to gasps as she struggled to get a deep breath, thoughts burning her head. She wanted to be curled up in the bed that she'd spent the last week sleeping in. She wanted Dan's arm around her, wanted to sit on his lap and sip from his beer bottle. Wanted to forget that the night had even happened. That the man who'd been sharing her bed for the last six months preferred blondes. That the man who she'd been falling in love with might not feel the same way, and they'd agreed they were just friends and said that they weren't going to break the rules and love each other but she had. She wanted her brain to shut up with the "why the fuck does he sleep with me then" that was filling her mind with doubts.

But more than all of that she wished she was brave enough to leave. Pack her bag and go to the airport and fly back to London. Because Dan deserved so much better than anything she could offer. He deserved a beautiful blonde woman who didn't freak out during a party and could afford to rent an apartment with working heating and didn't run away to hide and cry because she couldn't cope. Of course he wouldn't pick her.

But she could barely move. Somehow she managed to stand up once she'd caught her breath, pulling on her tshirt and leggings to sleep in. From there she made it to the bed, lying and pulling up the blanket to try cocoon herself as her tears kept falling. All she wanted was for Dan to magically appear and hold her to stop her chest from feeling so tight. A hug from Dan was magical, it'd make the pressure go away in no time. But he was with his friends and she didn't blame him. She was his friend. They were just friends and she had absolutely no right to be upset about it, but it hurt.

She wasn't planning on getting a lot of sleep that night. The awful feeling in her chest wasn't getting any better, her heart was still racing, and her head ached thanks to crying so much. Finally the tears stopped and she turned onto her side in the too big bed.

A knock on the door made her close her eyes and force her breathing to even out. She didn't want Dan to see her like that. She couldn't explain what she was feeling, she couldn't start rambling about it because then she'd have to admit how she felt and that wasn't going to happen. She couldn't admit that she'd broken every rule they'd come up with and fallen in love with him. She couldn't lose him. She couldn't lose his friendship and what they had so she had to stay quiet.

"Emmy? You awake?" Em should have known he wouldn't leave even if she didn't answer, listening as he padded around to her side of the bed and knelt down, his thumb brushing the still damp skin on her cheek.

The second Emmy squeezed his shoulder as she said she was still jetlagged and going to bed, Dan knew something was wrong. She hadn't been ok since she got back from the kitchen with their drinks, but watching her nod and fake smile as she went back inside felt so wrong. And then he stared at their room, waiting for a light to go on and the curtains to close. But nothing happened and it felt even worse.

He knew she wasn't a fan of big parties, his friends were more like him than her and were loud but she'd been ok. He made sure she was stuck to his side for the evening, she smiled when he handed her a perfectly wrapped burger made just the way she liked them. Dan knew it wasn't easy for her, she'd told him that she found big groups hard to deal with. She was the dictionary definition of an introvert who preferred to sit with a book in silence rather than be surrounded by loud people. But she was fine.

He'd asked a couple of times, not wanting to annoy her by constantly thinking something was wrong. He'd offered if she wanted to go inside and hide out for a while he'd make excuses but she insisted she was fine. Emmy ate her burger and snacked on some chips while chatting with his mates. He heard her laugh and one of the lads made a comment about how Dan kept staring at her. He was happy.

And Em was fine until she'd leaned over to offer to get him another beer when she was getting hers. He knew she heard what Mark said, his quip about blondes. The shut up didn't go fast enough and she'd been close enough to hear. She came back looking like someone had punched her in the stomach, big eyes sad even under her fake smile. There was nothing Dan could do to make her feel better.

What he wanted to do was pull her onto his lap, arms around her waist as they shared a drink. He'd tell her that yeah he'd slept with blondes before, dated some as well, but he was hers. He was so fucking crazy about her it was insane. Dan was absolutely in love with her, and terrified to say it because she could do so much better than him. They'd promised they'd stay friends, falling in love wasn't on the list.

But he couldn't even describe how much he loved her. He loved her long brown hair, the way it fell down her shoulders and back. He loved standing behind her and brushing it out to apologise for the mess he'd made it by wrapping it around his hand and pulling her hair the way that made her groan in all the right ways, using it as an excuse to kiss along her neck. He loved the way she smiled at him. How she made jokes and laughed at them herself. How she wrapped her arms around him and welcomed him home. The carefully covered sandwich that waited for him.

He didn't want any blondes. He wanted his gorgeous, brunette Wrinkles, and just maybe in the future if he was lucky enough he'd get to have gorgeous little babies with her hair and eyes and personality. He'd never, ever wanted that until now. And then it felt like she was slipping through his fingers with one evening.

She finished her beer, excused herself saying something about jetlag, was sweet and polite and so un-Emmy it hurt, and whispered to him that she was going to bed. The going to bed wasn't a surprised, she was still jetlagged and had been tired before they even got to Australia. She was the first to head to bed every night anyway. But the way she did it worried him.

Even around his family she kissed his head before she left the room to go to bed. It was what they did when there was people around and they couldn't actually kiss because of the comments. She'd move his curls from his forehead and give him a quick kiss there or on his cheek, or if he was sitting she'd kiss the top of his head. When they were alone he'd go to bed with her, but if he was staying up she'd peck his lips and wait for him in bed.

There was none of that. Instead she gave him a tiny, sad smile and squeezed his shoulder. Like they were just friends. Like she didn't share his bed every night. It was like a knife in his back, a kick in the stomach. That was enough to tell him that something was very, very wrong. He didn't expect a kiss, but he never thought that would be it.

It was all his fault, and the second he realised their bedroom light wasn't going on he knew it. She was nothing like his friends, his life was so different to hers, but he wanted his people to love her. He needed them to. He was so used to the way their lives were intertwined that he didn't think. He was so excited to be home and happy to see his friends and introduce them to her that he made the wrong choice. He should have had it at some neutral place, brought her to a bar to meet everyone. The way he'd done it when she met his family, how it was easier because it was a new place for them all. But he took the party to her one safe place in a foreign country and that wasn't fair on her.

It wasn't how he imagined the night ending. All he wanted to do was hold her. That was his plan for the night. Get into bed, hug his girl, steal some kisses, and call it a night. He wasn't even thinking about sex that night, just curling up with Em. He knew she'd be too tired to do anything and he'd probably have too many beers to make it good for her. So he wasn't even going to try to make a move. He'd hold her, sleep drooling into his pillow, and not have the alarm on so he could have a chill morning with her. Dan was too used to going to bed holding his Emmy, falling asleep with her in his arms and her hand against his chest. And then she was gone and he had the biggest hole in his chest knowing he'd ruined it all.

Dan had no idea what to do. He couldn’t kick his friends off the farm telling them his girl wasn’t ok and needed him. Firstly Em wasn’t his girl, not to them. He’d said over and over that they were friends and she was visiting. Nobody truly believed him, but it was the official story. He couldn’t make them leave but his brain was screaming that he needed to go to Em right then. Something was wrong and he needed to fix it. He needed to make sure she was ok. But all he could do was wait and yawn.

"You alright, DR?” One of the guys asked him.

“Yeah, just exhausted. Nightmare of a season if I’m honest. Looking forward to next year! Maybe I’m getting too old now I’m turning 30?” It was a half joke that got a laugh from the assembled guests. Fortunately they took it for what it was and started making their excuses to leave. An hour later he watched the last people leave as he waved. Once those lights were gone from the driveway he ran back to the house as quickly as he could get in.

His heart broke as he opened the bedroom door to find the empty room in complete darkness. When he switched the light on it was even worse, Em’s belongings still there. Her pillow, the blanket she loved, her Snorlax plushie he’d brought her back from Japan, even her Kindle. Only her water bottle and the book she was reading were gone.

It was a punch in the gut to realise the only other room she could be in was his least used guest room. The fact that Emmy thought she needed to stay in another room felt wrong. His room was their room. He’d made sure to decorate it to be similar to their room in London, parcels arriving to the farm the week before they arrived. The fairy lights, the purple curtains, the scented candles, the extra soft sheets and bed linen to make her smile. It was all for them. It was to make Emmy happy and feel like she was at home because in the back of his head there was a hope that it could be their home in the future. Dan had thought it was working, but now it felt like it was falling apart.

It took a few seconds for Dan to get the courage together to knock on the spare room door. He was scared Emmy would tell him to leave, would tell him to go away. But instead there was silence. He knocked again but the same lack of answer was the response so he decided to go in.

The room was in absolute darkness apart from the faint moonlight coming through the window. It was enough that Dan could make out Em resting on the bed, blankets up to her chin. All Dan wanted to do was get into bed with her, to spoon against her and hold her close, but he knew she wouldn’t like that. So instead he walked around to her side and knelt in front of her, stroking a lock of hair falling over her cheek. He didn’t know if she was in the mood for hugs, didn’t know if she wanted anyone, so he didn’t want to do too much. He saw how her eyes were closed and could feel her damp skin under his thumb. Em’s breathing was too even, she wasn’t really asleep.

“Emmy? I know you’re awake Baby girl.” It took a moment for her eyes to open as she looked up at him.

“I was tryna sleep.”

“I know. But why aren’t you in bed?”

“I am.” Her words were short. “This is a bed.”

“It’s not our bed, Beautiful.” She was at least looking at him, but something still wasn’t right. “C’mon back to bed.”

“I’m fine, D. Go on, it’s fine.”

“It’s not fine. You’ve been crying.” She looked like she was about to start crying again, Dan holding her hand and running his thumb along the back of it.

“I’m fine, Dan. I’m fine. I’m just tired, it’s been a long day. Go to bed.”

“Not without you.” He watched as her gaze softened slightly and he just wanted to kiss her to make her smile. “Can I like down here with you and give you a hug?”

“You don’t have to, Dan. We can just go to sleep.”

“But I want to. If you want me to.”

“…That’d be nice.” It took a few seconds for Em to respond and Dan was terrified she’d say no. He’d accept it, but he wouldn’t like it. He got in behind her, pulling Em against his chest. Her whole body was tense as he turned her around so they were in their usual sleeping position. She began to relax as his hand rubbed her back, Em’s head finally resting against his chest.

“You know, Snorlax is all alone in the other room. And our bed is way comfier than this one.” He kept his hand moving as she tensed up again, looking into Dan’s eyes.

“I’m too tired to move.”

“Nobody said you have to move. Trust me?” There was a nod and he pulled her over to the other side of the bed before stepping out. It was easy to pick her up and carry her out to their room, carefully depositing her back in their bed before he got in beside her. “See? Back where we belong and without you needing to move a single one of your cute toes. And back with your fluffy friend.”

It was quiet between them for a few moments, something Dan mostly expected. Whenever Em got like this she always went quiet while she thought. Finally he heard her bare whisper.

“I’m sorry I ruined your night.”

“You have absolutely nothing to be sorry for. You didn’t ruin anything, you never could. I’m sorry I invited everyone around and had them all invading your space. I shouldn’t have.”

“Dan.” She leaned up and kissed his jaw to make him smile. “It’s your house and your friends, of course you should have. It’s fine.”

“No it’s not. I should have done it differently, we should have gone somewhere else. And believe me when I tell you that you can’t ruin anything. Even if you tried to ruin something you couldn’t.”

“You’re too nice to me.” The hollow way she said it broke a little part of Dan’s heart.

“Emmy I promise. Everyone should be nice to you because you deserve it. You deserve happiness and goodness. And a whole lot of cuddles.”

“Will you cuddle me?” He couldn’t help but hold her even closer at her request.

Dan had no idea which lucky star was looking out for them but it felt like there was a whole constellation instead of just one star. He knew Em wouldn’t do it but he was ready for her to kick him out of the room. Instead he was so damn lucky that he got to hold her while she dozed asleep. He didn’t have the guts to try to explain the comment she’d overheard, he wasn’t going to push his luck, but at least he got to hold her. They could keep going from there.

—

Em couldn’t remember when she actually fell asleep. She was positive that she wouldn’t sleep at all that night, but Dan’s arms around her and his heartbeat under her ear was the best sleeping pill to ever exist. She didn’t know how he did it but he always managed to make her drift off. Even on the worst nights when her brain wouldn’t shut up he did it.

She woke up too early, the sun barely rising and illuminating the room through the blinds. She shot awake at the realisation that Dan wasn’t against her back anymore. At some point in the night she moved from Dan spooning her to her turning around and cuddling into him like she always did. Her face was buried against Dan’s chest, his arms holding her tight, and their legs tangled between each other. She raised her head slightly, Dan grumbling at her moving, and kissed his chest before going back to sleep with him.

The next time she woke up it was full morning. The sun was coming in through slits in the blinds and felt completely opposite to her emotions. She was so exhausted. Em had cried herself to exhaustion, her anxiety and nerves filling her. All she wanted to do was curl up in bed with her book and preferably with Dan cuddling her. But she was so tired she barely even noticed Dan kissing her shoulder and gently leaving her in bed. He was probably just going to the bathroom before coming back to the warmth and cuddle her.

She must have dozed off, she had no idea how long he was gone for, but she woke up to kisses on her cheek and the scratch of his off season stubble against her skin. The smile on her face was automatic. Waking up that way was one of her favourite things in the world, kisses from the man she was falling for were the best feeling and she wouldn’t change it for anything in the universe.Without even thinking Em hugged him back, almost forgetting the words from the evening before. After a horrible night all she needed was Danny. Em just wanted her human weighted blanket over her.

“I made breakfast,” Dan whispered, lips still glued to her skin. “I’ve got your coffee and toast and that jam you like. Figured you wouldn’t want to get up so it’s here whenever you want it.::

“Huh? You didn’t have to do that.” She looked up at him with disbelieving wide eyes. How could he get up to make breakfast and bring it into her after everything that happened? He did it more often than not when they were in England, but she didn’t think he’d do it that morning.

“You always say that, and I always say I do it because I wanna. Are we gonna have this conversation again?”

“No, not really. Thanks for doing it anyway.” She caught him in a kiss but as she went to move he didn’t let her.

“Don’t thank me. Especially considering it’s gonna get cold cause I’m too comfy to move.”

“Dan…”

“Five minutes.”

Like every morning when Dan asked for five minutes in bed with her, those five turned into ten, then fifteen, and then she lost count. It started with kisses against Em’s neck and her hands running along his shoulders and back. But it ended with their clothes somewhere on the floor, fingers laced and moaning each other’s name. Coffee could be reheated, toast could be eaten cold or remade. But none of it mattered when Dan was inside her, whispering how good she felt and how she was the best girl, giving her another reminder that it was still them. Inside the walls of their bedroom it was always going to be them. If that was all she was going to get, it was going to have to be enough. Dan’s groans and gasps helped silence Em’s ghosts for a little while so she took advantage.

The rest of the day involved Dan looking after her while they had a lazy day. A few small excuses, a rescheduled afternoon with his family blamed on hangovers, and they decided to either stay in the bed or on the couch and do nothing. Dan insisted it was payback for the mess of the night before. Em didn’t particularly care about his reasons as long as she was by his side.

It was how they spent their days in Perth, mostly glued to each others sides except for if Dan was going to Michael to start working on a training plan or see his friends. She started to get used to being a part of his life in Australia. Dan made sure that none of the events were at the farm, always at a restaurant or bar unless it was just his family. Every single time they went anywhere Dan whispered in her ear before they went in that she was the one in charge. Say a word and they’d be on the way home. She was trying to fit into his life just like he was trying to keep her safe, and Em couldn’t thank him enough for it.

She was starting to get used to Perth, relaxing more as she spent more time there. But as Christmas got closer she lost her chill. Two days before Christmas she went through the clothes she’d brought with her and none of them were good enough for an event. She had no idea what a Ricciardo Christmas involved, but none of her outfits were right. She had some cute summer dresses, but they were normal everyday things. She’d wear them to the beach or to lunch or maybe even to dinner with Dan’s friends, but not for a proper day. There was nothing formal like what she’d wear to her family’s Christmas dinners that met her mother’s approval.

Em knew Dan would say she looked good in anything she wore, but she was terrified. All she wanted was for them to like her. The idea that Dan’s family might not like her was scary, and she needed to make sure that she was perfect. She couldn’t ruin it over clothing. Em had hidden most of the anxiety she had around being good enough for them but that night it was too much. Her stomach was in knots and she kept fidgeting in bed. The same page was read over and over, but she had no idea what it said. She pretended it was fine until Dan kissed her cheek, pulling her book from her hands as she jumped.

“Emmy what’s wrong?”

“Huh?” She shook her head and looked over at him.

“You haven’t turned the page in like fifteen minutes, you jumped when I kissed your cheek, and your feet keep moving. You’re overthinking. So talk to me, what’s going on?”

“What if they don’t like me? I didn’t bring anything proper to wear because you kept saying it was hot and I don’t look proper. I should have brought something proper with me.”

“If who doesn’t like you?” The concern in his voice made her want to melt.

“Your family, Dan.”

“Emmy…Baby you know they lo-like you already. Mum’s the one who invited you. Isaac absolutely loves you and is obsessed with you, ‘Chelle made a joke that you’re gonna have to have him on your lap when we’re eating. You can wear any of the dresses you’ve been wearing. You look phenomenal in them. I’m gonna wear shorts so you’ll be fine. What’s this about?” Her head spun. Shorts? At Christmas? No no no. What?

“Huh? Not a suit? Or at least trousers and a shirt? You’re wearing shorts?”

“I’m not wearing a fucking suit, it’s summer. It’s way too warm to do that.”

“Oh.”

“We can head out tomorrow, find a new dress for you if you want. But if you want my opinion you should wear that little red one you have, it’s cute. You look good in all your summer dresses, but red is kinda Christmassy, right?”

“But it’s a summer one?”

“And it’s probably gonna be like thirty. What’s wrong with that?”

Her head was filled with the reminder of the year before, of her mother’s glare at the heels Em made herself wear because if she didn’t she’d barely be allowed into the party. But they were only Primark so they weren’t good enough. And she didn’t have many presents for Dan’s family and

“Emmy. What’s up? Talk to me.”

“It’s stupid. But if I didn’t have changes for the different parts of Christmas Day and if I wasn’t wearing a formal dress and heels and men weren’t in suits then it wasn’t acceptable. Plus I only have little presents not proper gifts, I don’t know what to do.”

“Calm down. It’s ok. All you need to do is turn up as yourself, that’s it. We’re having a barbecue and hanging out by the pool cause it’s way too hot for anything else, I promise. We’ll be in swimwear most of the time.”

The next morning Em was still half convinced she should try to have something proper to wear, but Dan convinced her there was no need. If she wanted to go shopping he’d drive her in and help her choose, but she didn’t have to. She didn’t need to do it so his family would like her, they’d like her anyway. Instead it was a morning of soft kisses on the couch to convince her but Em agreed to wear the red dress Dan liked so much. It had a shallow v neck, was knee length, and the fabric had a white floral pattern. Dan insisted it looked wonderful with the soft tan she’d picked up since they got into the country. Pairing it with black slip on sandals meant she’d be ok. She’d look fine.

Which led her to the freak out of how could she appear at Joe and Grace’s home to stay a few nights without bringing anything as a thank you? She couldn’t do that. So they stood in the Cole’s checkout queue for far too long on the 23rd as Dan watched her pick out her baking ingredients. By that evening there was a berry tart and a three layer chocolate cake packaged up in the fridge awaiting delivery with them. It was entirely stress baking, even Dan knew it. But he didn’t make any comments. Instead he sat on the kitchen counter and watched, stealing strawberries and taste testing her concoctions.

Christmas Eve morning arrived and Em wasn’t as nervous as she thought she’d be. The full day of Dan talking to her about how it was going to be alright and everyone was looking forward to see her had helped. There were still nerves, but she was going to spend a couple of nights with people who wanted her there, wear cute clothes, and she had host presents to give as a thanks for being invited. Really she couldn’t wait.

Plus Dan had made it his personal job to make sure that she was completely relaxed that moaning. It started with slow morning sex, Em waking up to kisses along her shoulder and wandering hands. After that a shower for the two of them and waffles with her leftover berries for breakfast really helped, Em fully relaxed. She double checked that the presents were all perfectly wrapped and packed to go, and after lunch she decided to finally start getting ready for heading over.

Dan was sitting on the side of the bed switching between watching her put makeup on and fiddling with his phone. She knew she wanted to look mostly natural but she put a red lip on to go with her dress. She was put together and ready to go. She could do this. It was going to be good. As soon as she opened her lipstick up Dan spoke.

“You know red’s a risky colour when you consider I’m definitely stealing kisses under the mistletoe.”

“The package says it’s kiss proof. You’ll be fine stealing a peck.”

“Ah my sweet, innocent Emmy. You thinkI’m gonna steal just one little peck?” He grinned and kissed her briefly but filthily, tongue slipping between her lips as Em kissed him back.

“That’s the last one, your entire family will be around.”

“And?”

“And that means your family and kids. So no.”

“We’ll find somewhere, you’re not gonna make me go a full day without a kiss.” He pursed his lips at her but Em ignored them, focusing on making sure her liner was perfect and her lipstick matched it.

“You know you’re ridiculous, right?” It was supposed to be a joke, but he got the look on his face that she knew meant he’d done something.

“Talking about ridiculous, actually-“

“Daniel what did you do?” He went to his side of the wardrobe, pulling out a red glittery box from behind some bedsheets.

“Before you say anything, I did nothing. It was all Santa. Not me.” He handed Em the box and she looked up at him carefully. They’d agreed that he wasn’t getting her a present this year because he’d paid for her flights to Austin and Perth. She never wanted him to ever think that she was friends with him because of his money. None of it mattered to her.

“Dan we said.”

“I know. But it was Santa. And he couldn’t give this to you in front of everyone so it had to be now.”

“What have you done?”

She opened the box he’d handed her carefully, lifting the lid and pulling back two layers of tissue paper to reveal the gifts. The main one was some of the most beautiful lingerie she’d ever seen in her life. It was sage green and lacy, the fabric soft against her finger. The corset wasn’t a proper one, not boned but she knew it’d look amazing. A pair of stockings at the bottom of the box made her realise how perfect it would be.

“It’s nothing. I just wanted—“

“Oh this is pretty. This is really, really pretty.” She lifted the underwear out to let the lace catch the light, admiring the design through it.

“You like it??” Dan sounded nervous.

“I really like it. I mean, I could wear it Boxing Day when we get b…what’s this?” As she moved tissue paper a smaller box she hadn’t realised was there hit off her fingers. Em picked it up and looked at the sleek silver lettering. For her pleasure. When she opened the box there was a light lavender vibrator in the black box. A charging cable was neatly beside it along with a dust bag.

“Look if you don’t wanna use it, it’s fine. If you want to pretend that you never saw it and throw it away, that’s completely fine. But we were talking and you said you’d never tried one, so I thought why not? It could be an option for you.”

Em’s cheeks were on fire as she realised that Dan was doing it for her. She’d barely made it through the awkward conversation when he’d asked her what she liked in bed. It was impossible to explain how bad her sex life had been before him. She’d never thought it was, but the way he acted when she said it was ok for him to not worry about her orgasms had soon taught her the opposite. She still remembered the way Gregory looked at her when she said she wasn’t enjoying their sex life. Now she knew he’d been with Millie that entire time when he insisted she was enjoying herself.

She forced herself out of her thoughts, staring at Dan. He looked worried and she forced a smile. His face relaxed when he realised she was ok.

“Will you use it with me?” She felt like her body was about to rip apart from shakes and nerves as she got the words out but Dan’s grin made it worth it.

“Absolutely. We can do it right now.”

“We have to go to your parents, so when we get back. And thank you. But Dan you didn’t have to. I don’t need presents, you paid for my flights. That was enough.”

“I mean I think it’s technically more for us than just you, so it’s fine. Right?” She grinned at him and leaned against his shoulder for a moment before getting up.

“Get dressed or you’ll be late.” Em started to fix her makeup as Dan looked at her.

“Can I watch you get dressed first?”

“No touching, but you can.”

“You’re killing me here, woman!” It hurt to not just sit in his lap and kiss him but they were already starting to be late. She couldn’t be late for a visit that involved staying over.

As a little nod to his request, Em slicked on a light pink lipstick instead of the red one she planned on wearing before putting on her red dress. The no touching rule was ignored the second she moved past Dan. Instead he squeezed her butt and kissed her neck before going to get changed. As promised he was casual, one of his party shirts, a pair of shorts, and Vans. Effortlessly handsome as normal and Em was jealous of how good his slightly longer curls and stubble looked.

If she was honest to herself all she wanted to do was take her dress off, get rid of the stupidly expensive shirt he was wearing and spend the day kissing him. Ask him to use the new toy sitting in the box. But they couldn’t. They needed to get going. When they were about to head out the door Dan decided to steal a kiss. It was supposed to be just one final one, but it turned into two. Then three. Then Em was pinned against the wall, hands running through Dan’s hair as his hands gripped her hips and waist. She pushed her lips to wherever she could reach, kissing up the bridge of his nose and along his cheeks.

Em would never admit it in a month of Sundays to him, but it was the right decision to not wear the red lipstick. Her whole face would be red. They needed to go. Get in the car and leave, but he was addictive. It was one of the things she adored about him and sometimes hated, how hard he was to leave behind. Every time they said it was the last one there was just one more.

She knew they wouldn’t be able to do this for another two days. The plan was to stay with Grace and Joe for Christmas Eve and Day, so they could be around all the family for the festivities before coming back on Boxing Day. Which meant no touching or kissing, and she couldn’t say no to the last make out session for 48 whole hours. She giggled at Dan’s expression as he moved away, Em using her thumb to clean the sheen of lipstick from his lip.

The one thing she didn’t expect was Dan grabbing her hand when they walked to his truck, and holding it again in between shifting gears while he was driving. It had never been a thing for them until they arrived in Perth. They’d been grocery shopping and picking up last minute presents in a crowded supermarket, everyone out to prepare for the season. Out of the blue there were fingers linking hers, Dan holding her hand while they walked through the aisles. His fingers interlaced with hers until they got to the checkout, and then went back as they walked back to the truck.

Grabbing someone’s hand for a moment in a crowded place was fine. Friends did that in busy places so they didn’t lose each other, especially when one of them was new to a place. You don’t lace your fingers with them. And Em couldn’t bring herself to let it go while she tried to ignore the size difference or how good it felt.

She really did try not to think about it, but it was impossible while his thumb rubbed lazy circles against her skin. He was soft and warm and his long fingers were one of her favourite things in the world. Sitting in the car then she could admit it to herself, she loved him. She loved the way he made her feel about herself almost as much as she loved him. And then the playlist flipped over and a grin spread across her face while she heard the opening fiddle strains of Our Song.

Em didn’t even need to say anything. All she did was look over as Dan was intently staring at the road with a grin on his face to know he did it deliberately. He’d learned pretty early on that a surefire way to cheer her up was to put Taylor on. Em could still never thank him enough for that night in Philadelphia when they’d gotten to see Our Song live without the band. It had been magical. Dan started to sing along with his exaggerated accent to make her giggle. There was nobody else for her, all she could focus on was being happy. The nerves, the worry faded away as she sung with hi, and collapsed into giggles when they finished. Em sang it looking over at him, watching how he grinned and shimmied in his seat as they drove the road back to the city instead of staying out at the countryside. All she wanted was to kiss him silly and start her Christmas Day sharing a bed with him. It’d still be worth it, but it was weird.

She may not have gotten a Christmas Eve kiss from her favourite member of the family, but Isaac wouldn’t let her go and kept kissing her cheek. He insisted on sitting next to her at dinner, Dan on Em’s other side. Dan casually ran his hand along her thigh under the table cloth as they all ate. She joked and laughed along with everyone, getting Isaac to eat his veggies thanks to the joy of stealing from Auntie Emmy’s plate and not even realising what was happening.

The best part about the meal was nobody judged her for her plate of food. Everyone else was eating the Feast of the Seven Fishes, plates piled with seafood that she didn’t particularly enjoy. Instead Grace had handed her a plain one, with pasta and sauce and cheese. She smiled when she got it, getting a “enjoy”.

There was no pressure on Em to try new things. The serving platters were spread on the table for people to take what they liked. If she wanted something and it looked good to her she could have it. If she liked it, great. If not Dan was happy to eat off her plate. Once they started talking and sharing drinks she couldn’t remember why she was so nervous. She knew the Ricciardo’s. She’d spent days with them, relaxing and watching Dan race. This was just another dinner like the ones they’d had before, except here they had a celebration as an excuse.

When dessert came around Grace brought out Em’s cake and tart, placing them in the centre of the table.

“Em made these, so I’m saving the pav for tomorrow. I hadn’t put it together and these are fresh!” Grace announced as she handed out bowls, Joe cutting into the cake first and showing the layers. It was congratulations and compliments towards Em, Isaac grinning as he ate his tart. It felt strange to get complimented for what she’d done by people. Usually she stayed quiet and in the background because she didn’t want to speak too loudly.

Even with the worry that someone would ask questions Em could feel herself relaxing beside Dan. He had his arm resting on the back of her chair, hugging around her shoulders like it was nothing. She wanted to move away but she couldn’t, Isaac on her lap before she lifted him and carried him into the living room for Christmas Eve presents. They settled in on the sofa, Isaac waking up a bit more and looking around.

Em wasn’t expecting anything. They’d welcomed her into their home, offered her somewhere to stay and it was more than she thought. But as stockings were handed out Joe offered one over to her.

“Everyone gets a stocking. We guessed on the pjs, apologies if they’re too big.” She smiled as she opened it, Isaac handed back to Michelle so Em could open it. Inside was new shorts pjs with red and black checkers, shampoo and conditioner, and a mixture of sweets. There was also a new notebook and a smooth writing pen. She couldn’t believe it. It was presents chosen specifically for her. The tiny little gold E in the bottom right corner of the notebook cover proved that for her. It was the middle of summer, she was in Australia for Christmas, and there was a group of people together who genuinely liked each other and somehow liked her. It didn’t feel real.

As midnight hit it was hugs and congratulations, everyone heading towards their rooms as they were shooed away with the promise that Santa was on his way so everyone had to go to bed. For the first time in far too long she didn’t have to suppress a shudder as someone who wasn’t Dan hugged her, smiling at Grace and Joe and returning the hug. Michelle and her husband got a one armed one that she gave willingly. It felt magical. And it wasn’t weird that the biggest hug was from Dan. She wouldn’t kiss him in front of everyone, but once everyone was going to bed he followed her into the guest room she was staying in.

“Two hands or the hug doesn’t count, right?” Em asked as he pulled her into a hug. His head leaned against hers and Em pushed her head into the spot where his neck and shoulder met. Alone she was able to run her hands along his warm back, pulling him close as Dan nodded and squeezed her waist. “That’s my huggy boy.”

As he hugged she didn’t want to let go, holding onto him in the privacy. Dan pushed kisses to the top of her head and her shoulder as much as he could. Em was just glad to have him there. He made things easier for her. She’d come with him and been so nervous but it was easy with him. Terrifying, but easy. She looked up at him and saw the smile, reaching up on her toes to kiss him.

The smile on Dan’s face as he realised what was going on and what she was doing would sustain Em forever. He was contagiously happy as they kissed, and Em was so close to telling him everything. But for the first time in years she was going to have a good Christmas and she couldn’t say no. She couldn’t ruin that on herself. So she held onto him as he kissed the top of her head and pretended everything was fine. She could do it.

“You need to go back,” Em whispered, afraid of breaking the spell between them.

“Can I stay here?”

“You need to go. What if your parents find out?”

“It’ll be fine. I’ll go back to my room early in the morning. Please?” She couldn’t resist him and he knew that.

“Fine.” It was one more kiss before she went to get her pjs on. They were curled up in bed and Em heard him barely whisper.

“Merry Christmas, Emmy.”

“Merry Christmas, Dimples. Thanks for inviting me tonight,” she murmured before pushing a kiss to his shoulder and cuddling in to sleep.

“Any time, Wrinkles. It’s gonna be the first of many.”

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