#Art is expensive sound is expensive writers programmers all of it

[miloscat]

[Review] Zelda’s Adventure (CD-i)

At last, my white whale of Zelda games has been conquered.

You can’t be a connected Zelda fan for too long without hearing about the infamous trio of games released under begrudging licence from Nintendo for the Philip CD-i, a failed early 90s multimedia console. They’re widely derided but not many people bother to play them, preferring to take at face value the sneering of reviewers and Youtubers and write them off pre-emptively. I try not to be so dismissive, and the nichest corners of a franchise are often the most interesting to me, so I’ve always wanted to try Zelda’s Adventure for myself. Especially as it’s even more overlooked than Animation Magic’s paired sidescrollers, with their meme-ified cartoon cutscenes.

Part of the problem with playing it is the real hardware and game are prohibitively expensive, and the CD-i is tricky to emulate. Support for this game in particular was broken in later updates of MESS. I believe I followed the terse instructions in this post, and with much tinkering and finagling was able to play it in tinycdi without the game softlocking on the first screen. This method unfortunately lacks support for savestates and crashes if you die, so the opening sections can be very frustrating to get through, requiring repetition to regain lost progress; if you do manage to save and quit in time though, you will retain all items and rubies. However you are able to map a fast forward button, which can greatly accelerate you through the console’s initial bootup, reduce load times between screens, and more easily navigate the slow cursor around the menus.

I was also aided in my monumental quest by a helpful overworld map by Dadaph (the dungeons weren’t complex enough to really require external maps) and the recently created but unquestionably essential and comprehensive written guide by Mundy. I used these extensively as a crutch, to help fight back against the game’s high difficulty, awkward design, and confusing progression.

Yes, it’s fair to say that many criticisms of this game are warranted. The template for the game’s structure is The Hyrule Fantasy, the original Zelda title: a top-down view of single-screen rooms, an overworld and a handful of dungeons, useful(?) tools to acquire, debatably helpful NPCs. It’s just all so messy; the hit detection is way off, there’s no music—ever—and sound effects play sparingly and at a remove from actions, your inventory is flooded with items and spells that have situational or even no use at all. The oddballs that populate the world are often of little help. The worst of it is the graphics, which are all made with the then-cutting-edge techniques of digitising photographs; let’s just say they haven’t aged well, and at worst can affect navigation and playability.

Despite the deeply flawed design and thorough jank, I find I have a soft spot for this train wreck of a game. That early FMV culture it emerged from, with its crunched live action cut scenes, bizarre and ugly pre-rendered sprites, copious amateur voiceover, and characters made from sloppily photoshopped “actors” is morbidly fascinating from a game history perspective. It’s cool to build up a vast arsenal of spells, even though most of them work the exact same way and the best strategy is invariably to stand in one place, swinging your basic wand and waiting for enemies to approach. I liked the boosts in power and defence each mystic sign gave me as I clawed my way up the food chain of monsters. Although clumsy, the universe of the game has a sense of mystery and worldbuilding to it thanks to the chatty villagers and dubiously menacing voiced bosses. Also, having Zelda as the playable hero is an immensely satisfying flip that Nintendo are still too cowardly/boring to do themselves in the now 35 year-old series.

I’m left to assume that the game’s female director and co-writer Anna Roth is to be thanked for that, and it was also nice to see other women’s names in the credits under art, production, and casting roles. Speaking of development, there are some illuminating and baffling anecdotes about the game’s production out there, such as a preview shared here in which the co-designer claims the game would contain 600 rooms, 300 hours of gameplay, and 160 NPCs. This interview (also containing fun tidbits, like how the staff included a model maker who constructed the buildings and interiors that were photographed and included in the game) talks about the testing process at Philips that ran for an exceptionally-long two years while the programmer had moved on, implying that problems discovered could not be easily fixed. This may explain the item cruft, the existence of purposeless areas and NPCs, or suggests a large amount of cut content. Although I’ve critiqued their work, I have no contempt for the developers, who were doing their best to make something new and interesting under all sorts of pressures on unsuitable hardware; I appreciate their work on this, and it’s a shame it didn’t all come together perfectly.

Whatever the case, I’m pleased I could get this working. It was worth it to me to play it for myself and having done so, develop a kind of liking for it. The kind that makes you grimace as much as smile. Zelda’s Adventure is... unique. It’s got a strong and consistent style to it, you can’t deny that. And I’ll be defending its dubious charms for the rest of my life, I’m sure. Oh and by the way, judging by Zelda’s outfit I’ve decided that it should fit into the timeline shortly after A Link to the Past. This is important.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #304

“she’s got a hold on me  /  maybe she is just what they want me to be”

How many foreign friends do you have? Only one that I know of that actually immigrated into America in their life. I think. In which countries do they live? She was born in Asia, either China or Japan. What was your dream birthday party as a kid? I either wanted to go to the skating rink or Chuck E. Cheese. Have you ever come up with your own game? As a kid, definitely. Whose hand did you hold last? Probably my niece's or nephew's if they were taking me somewhere. What was the last thing you planted? Habaneros, I think. Do you have a green thumb or are you all thumbs with plants? I don't really try with plants because I'm not interested in the maintenance. What or who was the last thing you gossiped about? Does telling your therapist about another person and what they do to stress you out count? lol Any books on your night stand? Wings of Fire: The Brightest Night. Would you ever consider going vegetarian? I was briefly one, but I had to introduce meat back into my diet because I just hate too many foods needed to keep me healthy without meat. I would love love LOVE to go vegan, but I just can't. When's the last time you helped a senior citizen somehow? Probably holding open a door for someone in a wheelchair. What's the most selfless act you have done? I don't know... Maybe letting my mother use all my Christmas and birthday money (which was a lot) to take care of bills to keep us from being evicted and losing the car. She was going to pay me back, but then cancer happened. Have you ever intentionally fed a house spider? No. What makes you feel lucky? The fact I have a roof over my head, food on the table, access to water... That kind of stuff. Never take it for granted. How many Lidls are there in your town? One. Last time you went to Ikea, what did you buy? I don't believe we've ever bought anything from there? But I wouldn't really know. How do you like your favorite beverage? Really cold in a can, heeeeell yeah. What's your big family secret? We don't really have one. What did you think you were good at, until you saw someone else do it? I remember thinking I was the "gifted" artist in school until I met my acquaintance Cailin in the 5th grade, lol. She is SO talented. What is something nice going on in your life right now? My partial hospitalization program is going well. I'm getting more comfortable with talking via things like Zoom, it's a good opportunity for me to socialize with like-minded people almost every day, and I ADORE one of the teachers so much so that I want him to be my normal therapist. I have never in the entirety of my life felt less judged and more cared for from any therapist before him, and it's almost supernatural how easily this man reads people. You could twitch a certain way and he picks it up. I'm ready for him to teach more of the sessions. What was the pinnacle of wealth to you as a child? The idea of owning one of those toy crane machines, haha. If I saw one in a store, I would like beeeeg for it. I remember I cried once when I came across one I adored, it was just too expensive, lol. I did eventually get a little one, I think. What's something that you hate, but can't live without? My meds. What skill do you not talk about, because you feel it sounds like bragging? I don't really brag about anything I think I'm good at because I feel bad about it and don't wanna emit a "better than you" vibe. Who's the worst person you've encountered on the Internet? Ahhh, a lovely "friend" nicknamed Shakes. God she hated me. If death wasn't a consequence, what would you try? Probably ride a motorcycle. I'm too scared to risk the possibility of crashing, and those wrecks are nasty. What's the dumbest thing you've heard someone say? There's this one video of a TV show host thinking the moon was a planet and it was just- What is the worst smell you can remember? This smell was forever branded into my memory as if it was fuckin trauma. When my late dog Teddy had a massive, infected cyst near his ~you know~ and also wore diapers because of incontinence with his age (also keep in mind he had a UTI we couldn't afford to fix, and that smells bad enough), changing the diaper he would wear overnight could, swear to God, be enough to make you puke. It literally came to a point that I personally could no longer do it. It sounds so so bad and selfish, and it probably is, but Mom had to do it before she left and came home from work; she's way less fazed by stuff like that than me. Yes, when we had the money, we got the cyst removed. What song gets better the louder it gets? Only like, every song I enjoy. The louder the better until it becomes obnoxious to others. What's the biggest inconvenience that does NOT ruin your day? Having to pee at like an unnatural frequency? haha What's something everybody should know how to do? Cook... which I don't know how to do. What is a great movie no one knows about? I'unno. I don't really know the success level of most movies unless you see stuff about it everywhere. What type of person could the world use less of? Rapists, pedophiles, monsters like that. What makes you tingle? I have this odd reaction to rubbing my hand while someone is holding it???? idk why????? What’s the best Wi-Fi name you’ve seen? Oh MAN, I wish I could remember 'em all. I've seen some goodies. What's easy to learn, but hard to master? God, it's pathetic that my immediate response is related to a video game, haha. Then again it's such a common idea that it's basically a meme in the World of Warcraft community. So, playing hunters in the game. They're argued to be one of the - if not the - easiest classes in the game that requires little to no skill, while as a hunter main, I disagree with the second part firmly. I don't know about the other specializations because I don't play them, but at least in beast mastery, it takes focus and thinking ahead to master your rotation for optimal damage and just to generally be a skilled player of the class. Not to mention you need to watch your pet(s), too. What's something you've changed your opinion on? Wow, LOTS. Tons of political ideas, like my stance on gay rights, transgender folks, etc... If you had a refilling bowl, what would you want it to contain? For some reason my mind immediately jumped to fresh strawberries. I'm picky with the firmness of fruit, so I won't eat them if they're older because ew. If your bedroom had three portals to anywhere, where would they lead? I mean this in the least creepy way possible, but Sara's house so we could actually hang out, Dad's house so I could see him more, and then uhhh South Africa to regularly see meerkitties. You can ask any author one question about their story. What do you ask? Oh, I dunno. I've got some for writers of other media, but I guess by "author," you mean this is for books exclusively. If you have caffeine late in the day, does it cause you to struggle with your sleep? Shit, I wouldn't even know because I essentially always have caffeine in my system. I don't believe it affects me. When you struggle to sleep, what do you do instead? Keep trying to sleep, or more common than not, I do exactly what you shouldn't do and get back on the laptop for a while. Who was the last person you spoke to for the first time? How did you come to speak to this person? My most recent therapist in the PHP. I love love love him. The therapists rotate the days they teach, and he was the last one I met. Are there any TV shows from your childhood that you still watch today? I'm not opposed to it if I actually watched television. Do you enjoy buying gifts for other people, or do you never know what to buy them? If I actually have the money to, omg yes. I honestly do think I create or buy very thoughtful gifts, and I just really enjoy reminding other people that I love and think about them. Who were you with the last time you went out for a meal? My sisters, Mom, and I went to the Cheesecake Factory for my birthday dinner. That place has come to oust Olive Garden as my favorite restaurant, haha. What’s the last thing you watched on TV? Is this a programme you watch regularly? I believe it was this amateur cooking show called Nailed It!, I think it was, with my mom when I sat in the living room with her for dinner one night. Do you have a favorite documentary subject (eg. nature, celebrities, history, crime)? Absolutely animals. Does having to wear a mask stop you from doing anything, just because you dislike them or find them uncomfortable? Do not fucking talk to me if you're anti-mask. If I set foot in public, I'm wearing a mask like a goddamn considerate human being. Do you prefer zip-up or overhead hoodies? Overhead. I really dislike the appearance of zippers on them. If you have a yard or garden, how much time do you spend out there? N/A When was the last time someone bought you flowers? What was the occasion? I think it was the first time Tyler came to my house. This was quite a few years ago. When was the last time you stayed overnight away from home? Was this with friends, family or in a hotel somewhere? What was the occasion? Hell, I'm pretty sure I haven't slept over anywhere since the last time I was visiting Sara, which was like, two years ago. What’s your favorite period to learn about in history? What got you interested in this particular era? The Renaissance; I always found it to be an attractive subject, art being in its "glory days" and all. My Art History course in college really hooked me in. What is the smallest thing you lose your temper over instantly? Homophobic bullshit. What's a job that doesn't get enough respect? As others have said before me, teachers might just top the list. The shit they gotta put up with for so little pay... What did you take for granted until you visited another country? I've never left America, so I wouldn't know. Who is your favorite scientist and why? I don't have a favorite; I don't know nearly enough about any. Do you prefer emoticons or emoji? I'm from the emoticons era, so I'm biased, haha. How did you meet your pet? Roman was the kitten of one of my sister's mother-in-law's females. They have quite a cat problem and wanted to adopt the kittens out, and Mom knew I desperately wanted a cat, so there we go. One day when we were over there, she showed me the kittens, and Roman caught my eye instantly with his beautiful blue eyes. Venus, I "met" via the Morph Market, a reptile hub website for selling, as the name implies, reptiles that are generally morphs of their species. I was clicking through the genes, keeping my price ceiling in mind, and really fell in love with champagnes, and I thought Venus in specific was just absolutely beautiful. I officially met her as a little thing mailed to me, and she was and still is just the sweetest. I wanna point out that when I chose Venus, I hadn't the slightest idea that champagnes harbored "the spider gene," as otherwise I would have avoided adopting her and feeding the market. Regardless, I love her to death and wouldn't trade her out. Did/Do you have any PEZ dispensers? I did as a kiddo, yeah. Do you enjoy erotic stories? If so, do you read them or write them? No; they make me really uncomfortable. When writing RP, some scenes can get sexual, but I have my limits for sure and know when to stop writing and just time-skip. If you had to choose, which one would you rather have: a pet or a baby? Keep the baby away from me. Gimme a plains hognose or tarantula, please. ^Why did you choose the one you chose? I don't want kids at all but would love the mentioned animals as pets. Do you live with your parents or on your own/with a partner? I live with my mother. What's the car of your dreams? I don't have a "dream car." Have you ever witnessed something or someone die? Animals, yes. Has anyone ever told you that you snore or talk in your sleep? I don't snore, but I talk a LOT. Do you have any houseplants? No. Are you more on a laptop or a desktop computer? I only have a laptop, and I prefer them for portability's sake. If you could do absolutely anything, what would you like to do the most? Entirely leave behind my anxiety, probably. Or PTSD. Do you think your parents raised you well? Yeah. Dad didn't really take much part in "raising" us/enforcing rules and stuff, but hey, my sisters and I wound up being good people. Do you have a Facebook? Yeah. Do you know any of your neighbors? Definitely not well. We haven't lived here long at all. Does/did any of your relatives have an interesting, nowadays unusual job? I'm sure somebody does. Have you met your ideal partner yet? I think so. Have you had a serious relationship yet? If so, how many? Yeah, two. Do you enjoy books, magazines or comic books the most? Books. Are your parents old-fashioned or up-to-date about certain things? Dad is more old-fashioned I think, while Mom is pretty up-to-date. Do you or did you at some point keep a diary? I very briefly did on a few occasions. I always had a journal I wrote in during all my hospital stays. Have you ever upcycled trash into useful items? I remember I once followed this craft idea on Animal Planet where you turn a milk jug into a bird house. We never got any birds in it, though. Which color Skittle do you like best? The only right answer is red. What’s your favorite element? Of the classic four, fire. If you had your own radio show, what would it be like? YIKES, I don't want one. Don't make me talk in front of (through a radio or not) people. What has been the biggest surprise you’ve ever gotten? An "impossible" breakup over Facebook Messenger lmaoooo. Is there a holiday you can’t stand at all? There aren't any that I "can't stand," but I do hold at least some degree of dislike of ones bastardized by religion. It's disrespectful as fuck. Who is your favorite person in the whole world? My mom. Has there ever been an activity you became obsessed with? I was definitely obsessed with RPing in my early teens. Like, I ALWAYS wanted to be writing it. What has been the strangest place you ran into someone from your past? I can't think of an occurance. What is something people tend to come to you about? Anything related to English and grammar. If applicable, what's the furthest you've traveled because of a hobby? For purely a hobby, definitely not very far, partially because I can't drive or afford travelling via plane or whatever. Do you have souvenirs from other countries? If so, what and from where? N/A What do you do when someone is talking to you about something you don't care about? Pretend to be interested to avoid being rude. Do you have Photoshop installed on your computer? Yeah. Do you put lotion on after you get out of the shower? No, but I need to. Has anyone ever given you a promise ring? No. Do you have any bruises on you? Yeah, on my shin. When getting in Ash's van the other day, I hit it against the thing that helps you step up into the vehicle. Because of my muscle atrophy, I, and I am not kidding, can barely manage to absolutely yank myself up there. And mind you, her van isn't even very high up at all. My legs are just that damn weak. Any changes in appearance lately? Gaining weight is fucking lovely. Who was the last person to call you babe or baby? Probably a gal friend commenting on a selfie or something on Facebook. Do you hate the person you fell hardest for? Sometimes. Do you actually care about other's problems? Probably too much for my own good. Have you ever gotten a teddy bear from someone? Besides my mom, I don't think so.

[ununniliad]

Writer's Block Person #45: "Black RX Friday*Story War 2019: Symphony of the Overcast Afternoon"

Writer's Block Person and Whisperion are out shopping on Black Friday!

"No we're not."

"Yeah, that doesn't sound like us at all."

"I swore off shopping all this week."

Writer's Block Person and Whisperion are taking a nice walk thru the park on Black Friday! Crunching thru the leaves, moving their muscles, and disconnecting from the capitalist hubbub!

"I want to sit down and reconnect, tho," grumbled Writer's Block Person, zipping up their coat a bit higher.

"You gotta keep up your momentum in the fight against seasonal depression, yo," said Whisperion, using her staff as a walking stick. "Keep active and keep going. Besides, we need to walk at least twenty-five kilometers this week if we want to hatch all those eggs before the Hackemon GO event ends."

"Oooooh, this one's a shiny Bulbas.org... hm?" They looked up. A bit further up the trail, there was a man sitting on a bench. He seemed to be wearing an old gray hoodie, with the hood up, blue jeans and muddy sneakers; but over that, a sleek, expensive-looking tailcoat, elegantly tailored with a tapered waist and gold buttons, the tails dragging in the mud. His eyes weren't visible, but by the bits of chin and mouth they could see, he was unshaven and pale.

But what had really gotten their attention was that Writer's Block Person's queerplatonic partner, Gives Hugs Impetuously Lass, AKA Amethyst "Amy" Allenby, was stepping up next to him. "Pardon me, sir?"

"...yes?" His voice was hoarse, heavy, tired; a voice that had once shouted in triumph, but was laden down into the lower octaves by the weight of the world.

She bounced in place in her big puffy purple coat. "Sorry if this is too forward, but you really look like you need a hug!"

The edges of the man's mouth curved up, against the weight of his woes. "Thank you... but I don't deserve one." His head rose, and he looked at Writer's Block Person - eyes glowing green! "Not until I do penance for my sins."

"Uh," said Writer's Block Person, taking a step back.

"Ominous AF," murmured Whisperion, planting her staff in front of her, drawing on the strength of the earth.

The man swept his coat back, revealing an ornate golden belt buckle, with a section of ivory piano keys that were missing their middle C. Out of his pocket, without taking his eyes off Writer's Block Person, he pulled a red key with the word "Classic" written on it in gold, in a swooping, curving font. He slotted it into middle C, and played a few notes - the "dun dun dun duuuun" from Beethoven's 5th.

A deep, bombastic voice echoed thru the park's hills and valleys. "Music! Usenet! Heroes by the score! Burst Beetle Classical!"

Sheet music staves in scintillating red light swirled around the man's body, wrapping him in a cocoon of glowing music. As soon as it had surrounded him, the cocoon burst, revealing deep red armor, long black gloves and boots, and a shimmering version of the same tailcoat, whose material seemed to move with extra, armored weight, and whose arms and legs featured deep red sheet music staves. The eyes of his helmet were quarter-notes, stems crossed to form a V on his forehead, and flowing over the top of his head and down the back was a wig of wild white hair a la Beethoven.

"...I still stand by my statement of hug-needing," said Amy, crossing her arms.

"Burst Beetle Classical!" said Writer's Block Person, taking another step back in shock. "I remember him! He was active a couple years ago, fighting the Baroque Phantoms!"

"Oh, yeah..." said Whisperion, brow knitting. "There were a lot of toys, right?"

"Yeah, he licensed his image a lot. Toys, games, suchlike... I've got the Original Adventure Sountrack they put out, it's got a lot of good stuff." Writer's Block Person squeezed their fist. "But he disappeared after a while. I heard he defeated the boss of the Phantoms... wonder what he's been up to?"

The opening of Mozart's Symphony No. 40 in G Minor played as Burst Beetle Classical cracked his knuckles. "Listen to the division of the violas," he murmured, lifting his arm. His finger snapped to point at Writer's Block Person as he shouted, "Their dark harmony shouts at you to repent!"

"Getting mad at you, looks like!" Whisperion lifted her staff off the ground, brought it up in a defensive position. "Might wanna transform!"

"Oh, right! HENSHINSPIRATION!" In a burst of sparkles, Writer's Block Person snapped into their default heroic form. "Lemme step in front, I should talk to him!"

"His eyes are still glowing!" called Amy, waving. "Do the hearty thing!"

"Yeah, precautions first, unlike the last seven times," snarked Whisperion, still in position.

"Eighth time's the charm! EMOTICONVERSION! CODE POINT HEAVY BLACK HEART!" A giant CGI heart appeared in front of Writer's Block Person, slamming into them and shifting their form into the one with the big heart-shaped gem on the chest, able to dispel dark magic and mental control.

"That's it..." murmured Burst Beetle Classical, glowing green eyes watching the updated transformation. "The sins of past generations... greater and heavier than ever! How dare you follow in my footsteps!" He took a deep breath and bellowed, "How dare you!" 

"Hey--" Writer's Block Person held their hands up in the air and pushed words out of their mouth as quickly as they could. "can-you-explain-what-you-mean-before-trying-to--"

But another key was already in Burst Beetle Classical's hand, a black key with a red, white and blue sword on it. He slammed it into place, playing a few notes of a funk beat based on 1980s action-drama TV soundtracks. 

The belt announced in its deep, sonorous voice, "Badass! Kick ass! Number one! Ultimate Ninja, fight on all!" A whirl of glowing cloth burst from the belt, becoming a bright orange tailcoat with black music staves. It flew around Burst Beetle Classical and dove into him from behind, replacing his coat in a burst of light, a red, white and blue headband forming around his helmet with the characters for "shinobi" embroidered in black.

Burst Beetle Classical pulled a katana out and held it horizontally, announcing, "Ninja arts! Hidden motion!" before disappearing in a blur.

"...beat me up." Writer's Block Person sighed. "I mean. It'll work someday."

"Where did he go?" Whisperion spun around, staff at the ready, no idea where to point it.

"Quick, Drew, switch to a combat-y form!" yelled Amy, waving her hand.

"Well, there's Skull With Cool Sunglasses, but I'm not really angry right now, just confu--" KCHAM! A sword slashed across WBP's back, and they shouted, sparks rising up, and fell forward! Burst Beetle Classical stood behind them, katana ready for another strike!

"There!" Whisperion leapt forward, and brought down her staff!

"Ninja arts! Substitution!" When the staff connected, a burst of smoke flew up - and when the smoke cleared, the figure in front of Whisperion was nothing but a log!

"...waitasec!" Amy extended her somebody-needs-a-hug senses to the fullest! "THERE!" She leapt and wrapped a seemingly ordinary forest log in her arms - and in a poof, said log transformed into a be-huggled Burst Beetle Classical, trying to squirm away but slowed down by his own need for human contact!

"A-hah!" Writer's Block Person pushed themself upright and spread their arms! A corcusating beam of energy blasted from their gem, pink hearts slamming into Burst Beetle Classical - and bouncing off!

Amy strained, eyes shut tight in concentration. "I can feel at... the energy of connection is being deflected... by his own guilt!!"

The glow in Burst Beetle Classical's eyes flared, and a wave of green energy, well, burst from his body, throwing Amy, WBP, and Whisperion back. The Ultimate Ninja key floated up out of his belt, orange tailcoat dissolving into black, and he contemptuously grabbed it out of the air. 

With his other hand, Burst Beetle Classical pulled out a black key with an LCD-green edge, with the letters "ESC" written at the top in the same color. He slammed it into place and played the first few notes of Burly Brawl.

"Caffeine! Keyboards! Hack the planet!" announced the belt. "You're the ultimate Renegade Programmer!" A black tailcoat covered in flowing patterns of bright green musical notes flew out of the belt and flew around, merging with him in another burst of light, and a glowing green beard grew out of the chin of his helmet.

"For the luvva..." Whisperion pulled herself up on her staff, giving Writer's Block Person a hand up. 

She sent healing, empowering energy into their body, and they shook themself out. "Never good at these multi-stage RPG bosses," they said, getting into a defensive pose.

"That's why you need to level up your healer," Whisperion grinned, wiggling her eyebrows.

"Was that innuendo, or--"

Burst Beetle Classical thrust his hands into the air, and glowing holographic keyboards appeared in front of them. "Moby hack!" he shouted. "Fork bomb!" 

"--oh right the fighting"

Glowing green forks appeared in the air, zooming forward before stopping and exploding into twice as many forks, which zoomed and exploded into twice more, creating a Touhou-esque pattern that sent Writer's Block Person and Whisperion dodging. Whisperion spun her staff, knocking forks out of the air, and--

"Wait, wait!" shouted Amy. "Hang on a sec!" She pointed to a happy couple, walking thru the late-autumn leaves with a bouncing, joyful puppy.

The forks froze in midair, as did the net.heroes. The puppy barked and scampered around their ankles until the couple gently tugged him away. "Thank you!" they called.

"Do not mention it," rumbled Burst Beetle Classical. Then the forks burst back into motion!

Writer's Block Person and Whisperion rolled to the sides, dodging and darting, making their way thru the field of forks. They were almost there when Burst Beetle Classical slammed his hands dramatically down on the keyboards, producing a sonorous piano chord. "Moby hack!" he proclaimed. "Magic smoke!" A mouth opened on his helmet, and glowing green smoke poured out, wrapping around the two net.heroes, holding them tight despite their struggles! 

Burst Beetle Classical stepped forward, smoke swirling around, deadly intent focused on the two of them--

--which left him open to a hug from Amy! As her compassionate touch took hold, his deadly intent dissipated along with the smoke!

Writer's Block Person said "Right!" Whisperion put a hand on their back, pouring energy into them, and their heart-beam blasted out, enwrapping Burst Beetle Classical with charged-up love energy, hearts bouncing off but digging into his emotional walls nonetheless!

"Sir!" shouted Amy, holding Burst Beetle Classical tight. "Please, what's wrong? We want to help!"

He struggled, eyes flaring... but a deep, sad voice boomed out from behind his helmet... "My mission was one of justice, of stopping the powers that sought to bring back the great empires of the past! But I gave in to the great empires of the present when I sold my image!" His voice raised in anger. "On this, this--" Venom and loathing coated his tongue! "This shopping holiday, parents buy their children mass-produced toys of me, games, roleplay accessories - and lock them into a toxic symbiosis with great corporations who do not truly care about them, who will make toys simply to push dopamine buttons for dollars!" Smoky green energy seemed to swirl around him, nearly obscuring his form as a violent hum rose in the background.

"Sugar honey iced tea!" swore (?) Amy, flinching back, still trying to hold tight. "His rage is boiling!"

"Okay," said Writer's Block Person, squinting over the brightness of their beam, "but why are you attacking me!?"

Burst Beetle Classical snarled. "You, who gladly took on the mantle of 'toyetic'! You, who recycle all those little tricks that the corporations use, the flash and bang that takes over young brains!"

"Criminy!" Amy leapt back, rubbing her arms.

"You took this on knowing... YOU ARE MY ENEMY!" A huge glowing column of green light burst out of Burst Beetle Classical, shooting up into the sky. 

When it faded, he was floating in the air, his original outfit rimmed with crackling green flames, head down, limbs hanging like a marionette. Fifteen or so keys floated in the air in a circle around his body, and one by one, each of them zoomed into the belt, hitting it with a green flash, the flames leaping higher with each one. When they had all zoomed in and Burst Beetle Classical's body was consumed by the flames, the belt's voice boomed out again, but crackling and warped. "Classically corrupted! Classically chaos!"

The flames grew into a ball of fire twice the size of his body before bursting. When Burst Beetle Classical's form was revealed, he was standing up perfectly straight, toes pointed downwards. The tails of his black coat were enormous, barely above the ground despite his toetips being above Writer's Block Person's head. His armor was covered in Cover Gallery covers, but they seemed to flicker and glitch constantly. There was an exaggeratedly long conductor's baton in his hand, a flickering green flame at the tip. His wig was a constantly burning green flame, and sitting in the V on his forehead was a portrait of the planet Neme.sys. The belt finished, "Size Of The Entire Death Universe Man!"

"Holy crap!" said Writer's Block Person.

"Oh no..." muttered whisperion.

Amy sighed and shook her head. "Rassum frackum emotional armor..." She pulled out her cell phone and started dialing.

"Legion Death Together!" Burst Beetle Classical swung his baton in the air dramatically before bringing it down. "Peril Room Test of Doom!" A circle of glowing green katanas appeared around him, slicing and spinning towards our heroes!

"For pete's sake!" Whisperion spun her staff, knocking three away at once, dodging and rolling! "I sure hope you're feeling sufficiently active and connected right now, Drew!"

"Are you kiddin', we're missing a raid!" Writer's Block Person grinned and released a beam of pink light, shattering the swords made of negative energy! "But I don't feel depressed!"

"YOU DARE PLAY GAMES WITH MY RAGE!?" The swords froze in midair, every single one of them converging on Writer's Block Person!

"HECK!!" They tried to spin and dodge, but blades of anger cut across their armor, raising sparks and plumes of smoke! They spun and fell!

"Crap!" Whisperion ran over to Writer's Block Person's prone, smoking form, standing over them with her staff raised. "Are you okay?"

"well..." Writer's Block Person coughed. "not the best..."

Burst Beetle Classical let out a deep, rich, bitter chuckle, like a bar of single-source dark chocolate. "And now... the coda of your corruptive movement." He raised the flaming end of his baton in the air. "Legion Death Together! Twenty-Seven-on-One Strike!" 

There was a dramatic viola cord, and out of the ground around Writer's Block Person and Whisperion, ghosts rose up; the glowing, green, glitching ghosts of nameless net.heroes, who had never appeared in any roster, whose origins had been lost to time, disappearing in the entropic deaths of ancient newsgroups!

The faded figures positioned themselves, as if in the middle of a jumping kick, soles positioned to strike Writer's Block Person and Whisperion full force! Burst Beetle Classical readied his baton, readied to bring it down and send the colossal contingent of confabulated net.heroes crashing down on them!

And then...

"Boom! Bkoom!"

"Rarr! Raerr!"

Burst Beetle Classical turned towards the cliff overlooking the battle. There - a movie screen with big speakers on either side, and a digital projector playing a video - a video of - toys!

On the screen was an action figure of Burst Beetle Classical, shot from close-up on what was clearly a phone propped up on something. Next to it was a figure of Burst Beetle Galant, his former partner in heroism. Two hands held rubber dinosaurs, which crashed into the action figures, knocking them down.

"Boom!" said a young, feminine voice from above. "Bam! Oh no!" The hands put down the dinosaurs and wiggled Classical back and forth. "We've been defeated by the defeatasaurs! If only someone could help us!"

"I can do it!" said the same voice but trying to sound deep and dramatic. A hand came in holding a fashion doll but with pieces of purple armor and a cape stuck on with scotch tape, plus a wide-brimmed red fedora; she had a lazer gun taped to one hand and a magic wand taped to the other.

"Miss Ultra Ultimate!" wiggled the Galant figure. "You've come to save us!"

"That's right! Ultimaaaaaate... kiiiiick!" The fashion doll's legs smacked into the dinosaurs, which topped to the sides after a couple smacks.

The hands stood the Burst Beetles back up. "Wow!" said the Classical figure, bouncing up and down. "You're so beautiful, brave and smart~!"

"Nothing to it, citizen! Let's go save the city... together!" Miss Ultra Ultimate and the Burst Beetles bounced offscreen, and a face lowered into frame, young and enthusiastic, a girl framed by floofy ringlets. "Tune in next time for the further adventures of Miss Ultra Ultimate and friends!" A hand came around, fumbling a moment, and the screen went blank.

Burst Beetle Classical stared at the screen. In the background, the phantom net.heroes dissolved into wisps of emerald fog. "Is..." He shook his head, tossing his baton to the side, running his fingers thru his flaming wig. "I'm sorry, but is this supposed to change my mind? This--" He gestured at the screen, hand out, trying to banish it. "This girl's been, been taken in, just like everyone else!"

"hey can you... yeah thanks..." Whisperion helped Writer's Block Person to their feet, and they clambered up on top of a handy boulder, gesturing grandly so their cape flapped out in the air. "If you think the dreams of children don't matter..." They pointed an accusing finger at Burst Beetle Classical. "Then you're the one who's been taken in!"

"What!?" Classical fell to the ground, stumbling in a defensive position, head whipping back and forth, body language shaken.

"psst here you go," whispered Writer's Block Person to Whisperion.

"Oh! Right, yeah!" She stood up straight, planting the butt of her staff in the ground and pointing at Burst Beetle Classical. "Fun and play, emotion and investment - these are things created by people, not corporations! And toys are their tools to create it!"

Writer's Block Person raised their fists in the air, clenching dramatically. "We who try to stand outside as the system as much as we can-- we walk in your footsteps, so that we may connect your path to ours!"

"Jeez finally!" came a voice from above Burst Beetle Classical. He looked up, and Amy was standing on the tree branches above him! She pointed down, straight into his soul! "You were another source of labor, exploited by capitalism, and your labor was and is wonderful silliness! You are worth it!!"

Burst Beetle Classical put his hands on his head. The green flames, on his wig, on his costume, leapt high - then froze, glowing glass sculptures - then, in an instant - shattered!

"FINALLY!" Writer's Block Person let loose their biggest blast of soulful energy yet, red and pink hearts sparkling as they slammed into Burst Beetle Classical's form! They hit a wall of green energy and pushed it back, peeling it away, Classical no longer holding on-- inch by inch, pushing back-- then a POP!

Burst Beetle Classical fell to the ground, detransformed, and above him, a green, crystalline sphere shimmered into existence!

"Something else?!" said Whisperion, raising her staff and pointing it at the sphere.

"That must be what was pumping that resentful energy into his body!" Amy ran over to Burst Beetle Classical's prone form, pulling him into a protective hug.

"...fbwuh," said Classical, shaking his head. "what... oh." His head lolled back as the memories struck him. "of course... when I felt my frustrations, my anxieties, my scrupulous need to fix things leaping up, overpowering me... it was... him..."

"Who?" said Writer's Block Person, in a defensive pose, gem steaming slightly in the cold late-November air.

"Meeeee," rumbled a deep voice in a minor key. Out of the green globe, a form made of emerald energy rose; a humanoid, with long, clawed fingers, winkled skin, wearing an ornate outfit, with the sphere in the center of his chest. "The last general of the Baroque Phantoms... General Rococonqueror!!"

"...uuuuuugh," said Writer's Block Person, crossing their arms. "Come on, man. You're defeated! All your other dudes were defeated long ago! We've already talked this guy down, you should see reason and join the side of kindness and empathy too!"

"Ha ha ha, never!" Green lightning sparkled from General Rococonqueror's fingertips. "Fools, you have not stopped me from bringing about the resurrection of Lord Trentula!"

"Uuuuuuugh!" shouted Writer's Block Person, stamping their foot. "That's so frustrating!!"

Whisperion put her hand on Writer's Block Person's shoulder. "You know, you do plenty of talk-people-to-a-good place stories. Just like toys are fun, it's also okay to have a fun, combat-y ending sometimes too."

They sighed and smiled under their helmet. "I guess."

"I... agree!" Burst Beetle Classical took a deep breath and pushed himself to a kneel, drawing strength from Amy's powerful embrace. "You've reminded me.. that a man is more... than a miserable pile... of duties!" He pulled another key out of his coat, this one bright green with a puppy joyously leaping along its length. "Music is joy... and I'll bring joy... to the world!" He slammed the key into middle C, and tapped out notes with deliberation.

Whisperion listened to the music and murmured, "Chest-nuts roasting on an open fire~"

Whirling cloth burst from the belt, a rich red tailcoat with fuzzy white trim flying about and slamming into Burst Beetle Classical. When the light cleared, Classical wore white armor with black spots, and black gloves and boots with white spots. To the sides of his helmet were a pair of floppy, fuzzy ears. The belt's sonorous voice announced, "Miracles! Magic! Ho-ho-ho! Caulflower the Christmas Miracle Pooch, go!"

"And now..." Burst Beetle Classical spread his arms, and from his belt, three globes of golden energy zoomed out, stopping in front of Whisperion, Amy, and Writer's Block Person. "New toys for all!"

"Oh, thank you so much!" Amy spread her arms and wrapped them around the globe. It flared with light, and when the light faded, Amy was wearing a rust-red dog kigurumi, with a cute hood with floppy ears, and a comfy, cable-knit green sweater with a pattern of pit maltadoodles jumping and playing on it. She wore a pair of elbow-length padded huggling gloves, and a pair of chunky, toyetic red boots.

"Huh, rad!" Whisperion touched her staff to the globe, and it flared. When the light faded, Whisperion was wearing golden armor, trimmed in silver, with heraldric dogs facing each other in green on her breastplate. Her cape had become gold and silver, layers of feathers overlapping one another, and she wore chunky, toyetic golden boots.

"Heck yeah, new transformation time!" The globe flew to the gem on Writer's Block Person's chest and flared. When the light faded, the gem was shaped like an evergreen tree. They wore green armor with a red bodysuit underneath (printed with a pattern of Christmas lights), gold trim, and a pair of chunky, toyetic green boots.

"FOOLS!" General Rococonqueror pumped both fists, a spinning aura of green flame manifesting around him. "That pathetic plinkerer's tinkly tricks won't work anymore! I'm four times more powerful than you once knew me, Classical!"

"That sounds just about right, then!" Burst Beetle Classical pulled out his baton and dramatically twirled its end. "Everybody! Compass formation!"

Amy drew back to the west of the monster, Whisperion to the east, Writer's Block Person to the south. Burst Beetle Classical stood to the north, and raised his baton high. All four pairs of boots began glowing with gold and silver sparks, and their wearers began to float into the air.

"omg I've never flown before," murmured Amy, eyes sparkling.

"It's always amazing," said Whisperion, grinning from ear to ear.

"But this is gonna be even better!" said Writer's Block Person, posing in midair.

"Bah! AND BAH AGAIN!" General Rococonqueror shook his fists at Burst Beetle Classical. "This fruitless joy you've found is meaningless! This toxic world--" He reared back one of those fists, a fireball wrapping around it. "Will ever overcome you!!" He whipped his fist forward, the fireball bursting out!

A tiny flick of his baton, and Burst Beetle Classical flicked the fireball away! "Perhaps! But they've reminded me - the battle is worth fighting anyway!" He raised both hands in the air, and each hero's left boot flared with gold and silver light, as they floated up above General Rococonqueror! "Let's crescendo!! Speak the words in your heart!"

In perfect sync, Amy, Whisperion, and Writer's Block Person shouted, "QUADRUPLE MIRACLE KICK!"

Burst Beetle Classical brought his hands down! Each of their left feet sliced thru the air, perfect jump kicks coming together in a pyrotechnic detonation of light!

When the light faded, they landed on the ground, one by one, in easy, relaxed positions, facing away from the center. And inbetween them landed the green crystal globe, steaming with energy.

"...whew," said Burst Beetle Classical, turning around and picking up the globe. He took a silver quarter-note from his belt and touched it to the globe, and little silver music staves wrapped around it, locking it up tight. "Thank you. I had become lost, and... I lashed out, in what I thought was righteousness, but was in fact thoughtless fear."

"We've all been there," said Writer's Block Person. "That's how we know how to pull each other out." They extended a hand, and Burst Beetle Classical shook it.

"So, Amy," said Whisperion, "why were you out here in the first place?"

"Oh!" Amy pounded her fist into her hand. "That's right! There's a Hackemon GO raid happening down at the other entrance to the park, in..." She looked at her phone. "Seven minutes!"

"Oh crap!" Writer's Block Person detransformed and started running down the lane. "C'mon, let's hurry!"

"Uh," said Burst Beetle Classical, following. "I don't know what that is."

"That's okay!" Amy took his hand and pulled him along. "Let's go have fun!"

And off they went, shining under the gray sky.

[morganapengdragon]

An English guide to fanfic 1

So I've read a lot of fic set in England lately, by writers who don't have anyone to 'brit pick' what they've written. But everyone deserves to be able to write stuff set in this hellhole of a country so if you don't have/want a brit picker but still want some general advice I'm gonna make a series of posts which might help with making your fic sound a little more natural. I'm gonna start with education because that's the one I've seen people have most problems with.

This is a long post so be warned

Education

There are 3 main parts of the school system (for comprehensive schools in England, I know it's different for rich people and people in Scotland/Ireland/Wales).

Primary school:

Primary school spans ages 4-11 and the years are

Reception: ages 4-5

Year 1: ages 5-6

Year 2: ages 6-7 (some schools make a split after this point, with the younger years referred to as 'infant' school and the older years referred to as 'junior' school)

Year 3: 7-8

Year 4: 8-9

Year 5: 9-10

Year 6: 10-11

A couple of information tidbits:

A lot of schools teach sex education in year 5 and 6. They tell you what sex is and what periods are. The year is split into boys and girls. They don't really talk about gay people, trans people or contraception.

It's not very common now but some schools will do a SATS exam in year 6. The grades go from 1-5 with 5 being the highest. They mean nothing but we all used to get stressed about them anyway.

Kids can also choose to do an 11+ exam if they want to go to grammar school. I never did it so I can't help you there. Some places in the country put more emphasis on the importance of grammar school than others (looking @@@ Kent) and some places don't have any grammar school at all.

Hard hitting insults when I was a kid were things like 'nerd' and 'weird'. We don't really use 'geek' much. 'Damn' and 'hell' aren't swear words here and kids will sometimes say them.

Most primary schools have uniforms

Secondary school:

Secondary school ages are 11-16 and the years are

Year 7: 11-12

Year 8: 12-13

Year 9: 13-14

Year 10: 14-15

Year 11: 15-16

There are 4 MAIN types of secondary school (afaik)

Comprehensive schools (like the one I went to) are your standard school. You just kind of have to live close to it to get in.

Grammar schools work kind of like comps but you have to pass the 11+ exam. Not everyone takes this exam (I never did, my closest grammar school is fuck off miles away). Apparently you get a better education there or something. Idk man but they like to make fun of the local comprehensives.

Private/public school. You have to pay to go to these types of school. I don't really know the ACTUAL difference between private and public but from what I can tell, public is more expensive and fancier. I think their version of primary school is called prep school?? All of the years work differently and every time a public school kid tries to tell me something about their education its gets more confusing. Rich people.

Boarding school. This is basically a private school but you live there and it costs more money than all of my possessions put together. There are quite a few, with some of the most famous being Eton, Harrow, Winchester etc. They are usually either all boys or all girls schools (those three are all boys schools). Rich people.

More detailed infos:

Year 7-9 is referred to as 'lower school' with 10 and 11 being 'upper school'

The exams taken in year 11 are usually GCSEs. These used to be called O-levels for some reason and lots of older people will sometimes call them that by mistake.

Kids choose which GCSEs they want to do at the end of year 9, and start learning the material in year 10.

Maths, science and English are all compulsory and make up 5/6 GCSEs (one maths, two English, two or three science).

Most people do about 10 and can pick from all of the other subjects what they want to do.

We don't really have a 'locker room' culture????

It's quite common for people to go to all girls or all boys schools.

Schools here are nowhere near as big as American schools. We probably won't have high budget theaters or particularly large sports areas.

I've never heard anyone talk about 'funding'???? Just assume nothing is funded, arts and sports alike. We do lots of fundraisers for anything expensive like rugby tours or school productions.

We still have that weird culture thing where like if you're smart then you can't be popular or play sports???? Strange.

Sitting at a specific table at lunch time isn't really a thing. Actually most people brought lunch from home and then would just sit somewhere outside. A lot of the buildings would be closed during breaks.

Not many people really drive to school.

Sixth form/college

After you finish secondary school most people go into either college or sixth form (or a sixth form college). Years are

Age 16-17: sometimes called year 12, sometimes called lower sixth, sometimes called first year

Age 17-18: year 13, upper sixth, second year

Sixth form:

Some schools have an attached sixth form. A variation of the school uniform is often worn, or students will be asked to wear smart clothing or something

There are also sixth form colleges which are a bit more informal, less of a school environment. Students usually tend to wear their own clothes and call teachers by their first names. They're usually viewed as well.

The qualifications earned at the end of year 12 are called AS levels. They count partially towards your final A level grade. Students usually do 4 and drop one at the end of the year. You can do more if you want tho (I did five and died). You can do whatever subjects you want. Like. Literally nothing is compulsory. You wanna do art, music, dance and anthropology? Fuck it why not?

The highest AS grade is an A. B and C is a pass. D and E are fail marks. U stands for ungradable i.e you got so few marks that your exam isn't even worth a grade.

At the end of year 13 you do A levels. You need 3 to get into uni. Some people do 4. They always regret it.

Grades for A levels are the same as AS but they go up to an A*.

Some schools do a thing called the International baccalaureate. I don't understand what it is and frankly it scares me. I don't know how it's graded or what you need for uni. It's a mystery.

Sixth forms can be comp/grammar/Private/boarding same as secondary school.

College:

You can do a bunch of different types of qualifications. Most popular are usually B-Techs and Diplomas.

You usually only study one subject as opposed to four.

From what I gather, the point in doing a B tech is it's more practical and less theoretical and aims to help you get the skills necessary to go straight into the work force.

Unis kind of have to evaluate B-techs fairly, but they don't like them.

Nobody thinks very highly of B-Techs unfortunately bc they're considered to be less academic and easier. Idk if that's the case but there you go. People will sometimes refer to shit versions of other things as 'B-Tech'. For example, Pepsi is just B-Tech Coca Cola. Boris Johnson is a B-Tech Donald Trump.

I know nothing about the grading system for either of these qualifications im sorry.

In a sixth form college there will be people doing A levels and also people doing B techs all in the same building.

University:

I won't go too much into detail but basically you get a degree at the end of it and degrees usually take 3 years to complete. Years are first year, second year, third year etc.

Some courses are longer and some people will do a year in industry in their third year, making their overall degree time 4 years.

Tuition is currently £9,250 per year. I have never met anyone who hasn't gotten a loan for this.

Most people also apply for a maintenance loan. You get money proportional to your family income. The highest is about £8,500 per year. Idk what the lowest is. Some people choose not to take out this loan and their parents give them financial support instead.

The pay back plan for these loans is super lenient, doesn't affect your credit score and is wiped clean after 35 years. Most students think of their loan as more of a tax than a debt (tho we all still cry about it).

People don't live in dorms. We call them halls of residence (or halls for short).

Most people don't live in halls after first year, they leave and find shared housing.

Most halls aren't catered.

Most halls don't have shared rooms.

Because we study so few subjects at A level, we do have this system in the UK where you take a bunch of different unrelated subjects in your first year and then decide on your major later. Instead you apply for a programme already knowing your major. So when I applied to university I applied to the BA French and German Linguistic Studies course at a number of universities.

Different courses have different entry requirements. So it's easier to get into uni to study History than it is to study Maths.

Each 'class' is referred to as a module, and all of your modules are usually related to your main degree title.

Stereotypically STEM students think that humanities students are dumb. Humanities students think STEM students are arseholes who don't know how to read so if you wanna have that kinda jock/nerd type rivalry but in uni then humanities/STEM is quite a good one.

We call all of our lecturers by their first names. Sometimes we go to the pub with them. I watched a documentary about gay porn with one of them. It's chill.

I've never seen anyone show up to a lecture in pyjamas. People would think it's weird.

We refer to clubs as 'societies'. I love being part of the Musical Theatre Society. It's sounds so much more impressive than club.

The English version of Ivy League is Russel Group. The most prestigious Unis outside of Oxford and Cambridge tend to be: Durham, St Andrews (Scotland), Imperial, LSE and Warwick.

Slang and Groups

We don't really use the word 'jock'. In my school we called those guys the 'Rugby Lads' because they all played rugby.

We don't really use the word preppy/peppy whatever because I literally don't know anybody who is like that.

Try 'Drama kids' instead of Theater kids.

The kids who do drugs and don't come to school are called road men. Even the girls. To do road is to deal drugs but you don't really hear people say that much.

If we can't be bothered to say a teachers full title we will usually call them 'sir' or 'miss' but not really ma'am.

'Hall Pass' isn't a thing.

Our school did have prefects but fuck if I know who they were. They didn't really have any extra responsibility or power.

School uniforms are a thing in most schools. The things people did to make themselves seem cool were things like rolling their skirts up super short, wearing the rugby ties on match days, trying to get away with shoes that don't TECHNICALLY break the rules but are deffo not allowed, wearing as much make up as they could get away with, without teachers noticing. Our school was p strict on uniform tho in comparison with a lot of schools in my area.

If your accent doesn't fit the standard for your area it will affect you in some way (depending on your accent).

Homeroom is called registration

Gym is sometimes called the sports hall

People don't really go to school matches unless they're dating sb bc we don't have bleachers.

Home ecenomics was called Food Tech and Textiles in my school

Woodshop or whatever is called DT (design and technology)

People don't get as involved in extracurriculars in school (but they do at uni).

We DO have houses and we get points given to out houses like in Harry Potter but unlike Harry Potter literally nobody gives a fuck. In my school they added a whole new house and moved everyone into new houses and literally nobody noticed and nothing changed.

There is a BIG difference between comp schools and all of the other kinds in terms of culture. I didn't know this until I went to uni and started joking about the time some kid started throwing chairs in RE (religious education) or when so and so tried to set our French teacher on fire and literally all of the grammar school kids were like O.O WTF.

Slang and school culture will also vary a lot depending on where you live. I live in East London which is not a very well off area but it IS in london so my experiences would match with that.

Everything is completely different in Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland so like.... Sorry.

[lizzybeth1986]

Quick Thoughts on DD Book 1 Chapter 4

• Jesus, this book is expensive.

• Like I assumed Chapter 3's one accomplishment-one-or-two-LIs-or-a-family-member thing would be a one-off, just to introduce us into the system/ease us into the story, but no...they've (sort of) repeated it this chapter. I was hoping they would spread out the accomplishments at least, but perhaps they want us to have at least most of the accomplishments worked out before we leave for London.

• I really hope this doesn't become a regular thing because it will only cause players to lose interest in the books for lack of affordability, in the long run. As it is the book largely caters to a niche audience...alienating that audience by having them lose of on half the story won't bode well for the book.

• Title: Best Foot Forward. Man, this one is easy. Of course it refers to dancing. And quite a lot of dancing is done this chapter, that's for sure!

• Sooo...the Earl has decided to introduce us into society in Edgewater with a garden party. Lots of hobnobbing, some dancing, a few games and you meet at least one 'suitor'.

• Did You Know: According to writer and garderner Kim Wilson, who wrote a book titled In the Garden with Jane Austen, gardens were viewed as markers of social status. In an interview with The Scotsman, she says, "each family's garden reflected not only their needs but, if they had enough money, their social aspirations". The poor cottagers of the time were mostly concerned with growing food and having a place to keep their chickens whereas wealthier families would have had kitchen gardens, but also often extensive pleasure grounds, which were places to display their wealth and taste. (from an article about Jane Austen's love for gardens in The Scotsman).

• Last chapter had us learning (optionally) the art of the fan from our Lady Grandmother, so it makes sense that what happens in this chapter is this:

Lololol just kidding.

• So the chapter begins with the MC and Briar talking. Briar is excited about the fact that a Duke (who, she reminds us, is "one step below a Prince Regent"), and the MC can either choose to be excited or very confident. Interestingly, if you're excited, she reminds you to "not forget your roots", which I think is a recurring theme in this book. After all, that was the last thing the MC's mother told her on her deathbed.

• Dominique enters the room and both she and Briar present us with a pretty pink lace dress that is sure to improve both our social standing and catch everyone's eye at this introductory garden party.

• It looks quite pretty, actually. But that's because I love lace.

• We head downwards, finding Annabelle performing for herself in the foyer and having a thoroughly good time.

• I'm wondering if I should have a tally for the number of times she says "a thousand pardons" (and for the record, I think her way of saying "fiddlesticks" is adorable xD).

• Our third "accomplishment" (and our second paid one) is presented to us here: dancing. It's not like the MC doesn't know dancing - she does - it's that the country dances (this might be a reference to the English Country Dances that were popular among all classes) are different from the ones Annabelle has learned, and indeed the popular ones for the aristocracy that are coming in from other places, like France.

• Annabelle mentions a couple of dances that were popular for its time: the cotillion (originated from France), the Quadrille (also from France), and La Boulanger (also French). If we choose the shoes the Lady Grandmother got made for us, Annabelle wastes no time in teaching us the last one.

• Annabelle speaks to us about the Quadrille being new. She isn't lying. The Quadrille became fashionable in England around 1815.

• Again, the good thing about the accomplishment scenes is that they're meant only for learning the skill, and Annabelle can develop in her individual scenes independent of this. Though I'm not sure if cramming both her individual scenes and her accomplishment scenes in the same chapter, two chapters in a row is a very good idea.

• Another marker of how new the MC is, lies in her interaction with Mr Woods (who is perhaps the only member of the housing staff we see at the party. Briar disappears completely after she's done her work of getting the MC ready, and Luke doesn't appear either). Mr Woods is surprised the MC deigns to speak to him in public, and Henrietta uses her interaction with him to point out how little she fits in, what with talk of the MC's "roots".

• Lol the exchange with the Earl if you bought the scene with the Lady Grandmother is quite funny haha. He speaks about Dominique drilling him into learning the names of all the families and the MC - saucy little shit that she is 😄 - looks at her fan and says "oddly enough, I know exactly what you mean".

• Ernest Sincliare makes his appearance after two chapters, and there's some banter about compliments if you're wearing the pretty lace dress I think. She teases him about it and he retorts that since he passes compliments so rarely, you can be sure that when he does he means every word. I can see that logic in that, Sinclair, but must you look like a child who has accidentally sucked on a particularly sour lemon when you do? 😂

• Throughout the chapter, you get references to the Season in London, and each time the MC by default takes it for granted that she will not be going there. Sinclaire hosts parties in London, Annabelle Parsons will be going there for the Season. Up until the end of the chapter, the vibe given overall is that she won't be seeing the two for a while now that they will be leaving Edgewater, and she won't.

• Did You Know: The London Season was developed to coincide with the sitting of parliament. During the months when parliament was in session, members of both Houses needed to be in attendance in London and came to the capital bringing their families with them. The London season grew up in response to this influx of upper class people who needed to be entertained.

Amanda Foreman, in her biography on Georgiana, Duchess of Devonshire, stated: "the aristocratic "season" came into existence not only to further the marriage market but to entertain the upper classes while they carried out their political duties. The season followed the rhythm of Parliament: it began in late October with the opening of the new session, and ended in June with the summer recess.” of course, later on this period of time gradually began to shift.

There also seems to be something called the "little season", but that seems more a fixture of the Victorian age than the Regency one (as mentioned in the article on the London Season from the Regency History website).

• The Earl and Mr Sinclaire share a more than cordial relationship: the Earl treats him with considerable warmth and Sinclaire shows a genuine respect and regard for him. You have a choice of asking him whether it is the Earl - or you - he has respect for (and the second option leads to a romantic moment), but it is what he says about the Earl, and his later interaction with Duke Richards that intrigues me:

What happened to Ledford Park that the Sinclaires almost lost it? Why does his statement towards the Duke about Ledford sound so accusatory? Why is there such a strong undercurrent within the latter interaction? I want to know what the story behind Ledford Park is, and how the Earl helped save it.

• One of my favourite Sinclaire-related sequences is an additional scene featuring the fan, as taught to us by the Dowager Countess the previous chapter. I tried the last two with Florence, the MC who has no interest in Sinclaire:

(the first four screenshots are from the "friends" option, and the next four from the "go away u suck" option)

Meanwhile, Marianne just goes in for the kill, fam. Homegirl didn't learn all those thot moves from Grandma for nothing 😄

I do like that extra bit of sexual tension in this scene. I'm not very into Sinclaire yet, but I can see the appeal he'd have for someone who would want the Mr Darcy type of Regency male LI character. You also see a fair bit of it in the scene where the MC asks him if it is her he respects:

• Sinclaire, dude, what is it with you and Italics??

• We now interrupt our regular programme with a game of Skittles. I'm not sure how many of you assumed Regency-era aristocrats were going to start passing around fruit-flavoured candy but I sure did 😂

• So this is skittles, played with nine pins. Very much one of the precursors to present day bowling from what I've read. Playing this game, and beating a champion like Mr Sinclaire at it will not only allow you to spend time alone with him, but also increase your social standing.

• It's simple enough: hit the red pin in the centre, and if you want you can distract the hell out of Sinclaire after he's fired his first shot.

• Twice this chapter, you see our resident comic relief for the day: Miss Theresa Oh-My-Smelling-Salts Sutton, and Mr Edmund Do-I-Look-Like-I-Care Malcaster, and I've decided I like them both (I wanted to add screenshots, but tumblr mobile sucks and won't let me put up more than ten images 😒)

• So we meet the "handsome", "titled" eligible bachelor our Lady Grandmother wanted us so badly to marry and...

...um. lol. ok.

Handsome? Charming? When was the last time you looked in the mirror dude, 20 years ago?

• You have a choice of how to respond after Duke Richards insults Mr. Sinclaire. You can either choose the Manners option, or you can choose to outright sass the man. If you don't sass him? The Lady Grandmother will do it for you.

• With the Manners option we find out that the Duke is 51 years old.

• With the non-manners option we find out that the dude likes saucy little minxes.

• @ the last panel in Florence's playthrough, Grandma even you can't deal with this dude for two minutes without nodding off. Why are you dumping him on my head then? (don't tell me. I know the answer 😐). See, this is why Florence will eventually kiss her inheritance goodbye lol.

• Jesus can this man just...speak two words without touching me??

• FINALLY. Miss Parsons. We choose a hiding place to get away from the Duke and then she offers to show us a new part of the estate: the lakefront. The great thing about gardens, esp in the writing of the time, was that it provided privacy for people at the time and allowed them to interact in ways they couldn't in public.

• Did you know: Austen herself used gardens pretty extensively in her writing. Mr Knightley confesses his love to Emma close to a shrubbery. Elizabeth jokes to her aunt about deciding to marry Mr Darcy after seeing the grounds in Pemberley. Fanny Price of Mansfield Park remarks, “To sit in the shade on a fine day, and look upon verdure, is the most perfect refreshment.” Catherine Morland of Northanger Abbey falls in love with hyacinths, Marianne Dashwood of Sense and Sensibility has a passion for fallen leaves in an autumnal garden, while Anne Elliot of Persuasion is always inspired to think of poetry when enjoying the beauties of nature.

Susannah Fullerton in her essay "Jane Austen and her gardens" (for the website Garden Drum) says: "Many proposals [in Austen's novels] take place out of doors where lovers can find some privacy amongst the gravel walks and flower beds; garden improvements are planned by some of the characters; and her heroines all enjoy going into a garden to think". 

• Makes sense then that one of the special scenes of this largely "forbidden" relationship (if you choose for that to happen) would take place in greenery, close to a lake. If you notice, it's quite in keeping with the times that most of the romantic moments this chapter happen either in an isolated section of the gardens or while dancing, both of which allow for some measure of interaction between people interested in each other.

• Miss Parsons, the legendary hero of a Duck Prophecy xD

• I love her in this scene. Sure she gets shy when she receives attention she's not used to from us, and she's kind and educative and sweet, but she's also boisterous and passionate and not afraid to pull punches when she needs to (case in point: the shade she immediately throws Henrietta's way regarding her "tutelage"). This scene has her stealing cake from the party to feed the ducks, getting exhilarated from the race and her new friendship with the MC, and feeling extremely confused by her feelings if you speak to her romantically.

• The first half of this scene is pure fun, but the second inevitably shows the two women experiencing a sense of loss that their connection will be cut short - whether they are friends or whether this is a budding romance.

• What I do love about both the romance scenes are the extra touches added to both in the coding. In the skittles scene with Ernest, Marianne is spoken of by default as brushing her hand against his before giving him the ball, whereas Florence simply passes it to him.

• Even with Annabelle, if you acquire romance points with her, the ending of that scene is written quite differently:

I absolutely love this part of the scene. And given that very often the female LI is treated like just the default best friend with some stray romance options attached, it really does feel good to have that sexual tension acknowledged.

• Florence, babe, what is it with you and Italics??

• TIME TO PUT ON OUR DANCING SHOES GUYS (if we bought them).

• So we're doing a dance called La Boulanger...which kinda looks like this:

You dance in a circle, then keep switching partners.

• Did You Know: that the Boulanger was one of the very few dances mentioned by name in Jane Austen's novels? (Pride and Prejudice Chapter 3. I think the reel is mentioned in another).

• I have two left feet unless someone is heavily choreographing a flash mob and spends ages teaching me the steps lol so this looks pretty complicated to me 😂

• You have an option of choosing between Mr Sinclaire, Miss Parsons and Duke Richards. The first two are the usual you'd expect from romantic dance scenes if you choose either of the first two, impressing them with your dance moves and then catching their eye when you're dancing with Edmund, your stepbrother. With Miss Parsons there is an additional show of boldness in that there is a danger of making their affections public.

• The Duke Richards option, which I managed to see thanks to @i-dream-so-i-write ...seems pretty okay actually. He doesn't seem as handsy and creepy as he does in our first meeting (there is a moment where his "hands skim your waist" though, and he tells us we've been apart too long [a couple seconds, tops]), but he's also still talking our ears off. If anyone is interested in seeing it, I can attach the screenshots!

• This man is so freaking extra I can't even.

• The chapter ends with the Earl announcing that he is changing his will, and that the MC is heiress to Edgewater Estate now, which makes it essential for her, then, to make her debut at the London Season, and begin searching for prospective bridegrooms.

• There is a catch though. You get the inheritance if you marry someone of suitable rank. In short...at this point in the story, Marianne is doing alright, but Florence is well and truly screwed until there is a twist somewhere (and surely there will be at some point). Sorry Florence.

• Henrietta has something up her sleeve, and Edmund, who was expecting to inherit, is sad and tells the MC so. You get a relationship point with him if you tell him you understand how it must feel, but he reiterates that you probably won't. We have time, we can still get this dude (and his palpitating fiancée) on our side. Maybe.

• Looks like we'll be starting our journey to London straightaway, and making our debut in London at Mr Sinclaire's party by Chapter 6. Alsooo from the spoilery chapter descriptions it looks like Mr. Marlcaster will try tripping us up at least once, or more than once. Also looks like we have two more skills on our accomplishment board to learn. So far we've gotten needlework, music and dancing - we now need to see what the other two are. I THINK one of them is painting.

General Thoughts:

• Good chapter. It's a little slow which is fine, because I think all the action will actually happen during the London Season instead. We meet only two suitors, one of whom we have already met in the first chapter.

• I feel like the extra scenes that we'll get with the unlocked accomplishments will include other styles of the same art. We initially learn the piano, but I feel like unlocking it will lead to extra scenes with other instruments, and unlocking the dancing shoes will show us extra scenes of Annabelle teaching us other dances (the waltzes, the reel, etc). I'm not entirely sure about this, it's just a theory I have. I mean, once we're in London we'll need to learn waltzes and the minuet and stuff.

• Luke doesn't make an appearance this chapter, but then again nor does Briar as soon as the MC gets ready. I think we'll see more of him now that we will be traveling to London.

• Donna Hatch's (who writes a ton of historical romances, esp Regency) essay on the London Season lists the months active in each year for it, and in 1816 it was from February to July. In the story it's now the beginning of April. Usually it's best to go at the very start if you're looking for marriage prospects, but given the MC's particular circumstances this time of the season isn't too bad either I'd reckon.

• Remember how I told you guys last chapter about the inclusion of Mary Brunton's Self Control? And how she criticizes the popular "rake" figure in Regency fiction? I'm not sure Duke Richards adheres completely to how rakes were depicted at the time, but he definitely does seem to be channeling Colonel Hargrave a little here.

• I wonder what the Duke seems to be hiding. Besides of course the truth of his equation with Sinclaire. Why is he so focused on this new woman? I think there might be more to this. I also can't wait to see the other suitors, like the viscount and Mr Chambers.

• I do like how we learn more about Sinclaire and Annabelle here. Annabelle largely has the role that Hana had in TRR, and there are some similarities - but she also has a lot more wiggle-room and seems to be bolder and a little more outgoing. She has grown up with the limitations placed on women at the time, but unlike Hana, hasn't faced as many restrictions in her upbringing.

• As I've mentioned before, I love Annabelle and I love that they're trying to do a better job of her. But I'm not entirely sure if cramming two separate scenes of hers in single chapters of an already expensive book is a wise choice, or if it will harm her development in the long run because people find it too expensive to spend on her. IMO the accomplishment scenes should be a little further spread out in the books.

• Now that the MC is going to be a future Countess, what is in store for her? In her rightful home Edgewater, she has a limited audience and not as much expectation to live up to...what will become of her now that she will be participating in the Season in London? Guess we'll find out today, or in the coming weeks xD

• Tagging: @boneandfur @liamraines @thespiritpanda @alanakusumastan @ernestsinclairs @mrsthomashunt @private-investigator-nazario @bcdollplace @queenodysseia @mcbangle

If you'd like to be tagged in one of the QTs, please let me know!

[douchebagbrainwaves]

YOU GUYS I JUST THOUGHT OF THIS

Remember that magic machine that could make you cars and cook you dinner and so on? Not quite so dominant as it had been. If you can't find another? The most obvious is valuation: they'll take less of your company, don't look for them in the news. But that same illiquidity also encouraged you not to seek it. It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good idea to use famous rich people as examples, because the phenomenon it describes is so taken for granted, but at first it takes a conscious effort to think of ideas. Gradually through word of mouth they start to get users. They literally think the product, one line at a time. But the foundation of convincing investors is to make fun of it.

One is that being mean makes you stupid. Convince yourself that your startup is worth investing in, and then have to call them back to tell them you were at a disadvantage in some respects, they're the only ones who really understand their peers. If total war was the big political story of the 20th century, working-class people tried hard to look middle class. The best place to work, if you get deeply enough into it. But the more general recipe is: do something founders want. You have to get them beaten out of you by contact with the real world, VCs regard angels the way a jealous husband feels about his wife's previous boyfriends. Don't talk and drive. The reason, of course, is selection bias.

A few decades ago, only famous people and professional writers got to publish their opinions. When you're a kid and you face some hard test, you may find that your friends are now involved in some project they don't want to seem like they had to be by someone who really cared, instead of paying attention to things you're not supposed to, either because they're inappropriate, or not what you're trying to estimate is not just a good way to run a startup. There are a handful of executives, politicians, regulators, and labor leaders. Because a good idea. But here there is another layer that tends to come back to bite you eventually. They assumed that all they had to do was execute. When I graduated from college, they borrowed $15,000 from their parents to start a consulting company, or just a niche product company, and have to start treading water yourself or sink. If you work together with them on projects, you'll end up producing not just organic ideas, but also at decision points along the way. But most of the giant companies were still focused on finding new ways to milk economies of scale. Are there better ways to solve them? But are these just outliers?

But until the 1980s being underpaid early in your career was part of what it used to cost, and the board is now reconstituted to consist of two VCs, and also the biggest opportunity, is at the level of measurement is more precise than we're going to make an x that doesn't suck though. Some made their fortunes by creating wealth and getting paid proportionately, it would not be so useful if it delivered your dinner to a random location in central Asia. That's even rarer. In January 1995, we and a couple friends. Maybe successful hedge fund managers, and so on. So they decide to start talking to VCs. You'll see a lot more than you expect, so they had to make concessions. So if it goes nowhere, big deal; you return to school in the fall with all the other seniors; no one regards you as a failure, because your occupation is student, and you have misgivings about them, and then simply tell investors so. And yet he seems pretty commanding, doesn't he? Startups are still very rare. That seems obvious to any ambitious person now. Angels are individual rich people.

When you're talking about, you probably shouldn't do it. When you reach that point, ideas that will seem to investors no more than an art historian has to be a member of the professional classes. Colleges had long taught English composition. I know wrote: Two-firm deals are great. A great programmer, on a roll, could create a million dollars, you have to make it something that they themselves can build, and that your plan is what they'd have done if they'd followed through on their own insights. Being poor helps in this game, because your own personal bias points in the same way the market does. Venture capitalists have a list of all the lies they told you during your education.

It seemed like they'd always been there, like the speed limiters in U-Haul trucks, prevent fools from doing too much damage. The way I studied for exams in these classes was not except incidentally to master the material taught in the class, but to most startups it means several months' living expenses. Regardless of how complex your life is, you'll be instantly regarded by everyone as a summer job in some unrelated field. Essays should aim for maximum surprise. Surely this is a lowly sort of thing to store-bought ones. Batch after batch, the YC partners warn founders about mistakes they're about to make, and not just the mechanics of it, and selling, say, deals to buy real estate. As a result workers' wages also tended toward market price. Whereas if you solve a technical problem that a lot of mistakes. The effect was rather as if we were visited by beings from another solar system. But due to a series of jobs that might be yanked out from under you? Which means if letting the founders keep control stops being perceived as a concession, it will take over your life to a degree you cannot imagine. That leads to our second difference: the way class projects are measured.

Fortunately the way to have good startup ideas is not think up but notice. A mean person can't convince the best people have other options. What would make them say wow? So starting a startup. More generally, an idea was returning whose name sounds old-fashioned precisely because it was more valuable, but because if other investors are interested, you must be contributing at least x dollars a year, the best solution is to tackle the problem head-on, and that you sometimes have to figure out the tricks for winning at this new game. Who wants this so much that your employer will find out and sue you. So the main value of notebooks may be what writing things down leaves in your head. No, not generally.

But success has taken a lot of mean people out there working on boring stuff who are desperately in need of better software, so however short you think you might start a startup one day, the evidence so far suggests you shouldn't work there. So if you want to inhabit. In fact, you're doubly likely to find good problems in another domain: a the inhabitants of that domain are not as likely as software people to have already solved their problems with software, and with it create a new source of revenue. You just can't fry eggs or cut hair fast enough. But of course if you really get it, you can cry and say I can't and they won't make you do anything in the grownup world either. If you invert the scale on the y axis, you can see change happen in your lifetime. They never explain what the deal is a good time to start a consulting company into a product company, and his friend says, Yeah, that is a good one if it makes sense.

Thanks to Geoff Ralston, Aaron Iba, Fred Wilson, Jessica Livingston, Paul Kedrosky, and Paul Buchheit for putting up with me.

[bronzerandlouboutins-blog]

Best Professional Resume Writing for Cloud Software And Network Engineer

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[dustedmagazine]

Listed: Michael Chapman

When Michael Chapman called his second album Fully Qualified Survivor, it seemed a tad brassy; after all, he was only in his 20s. Now that the singer-songwriter-guitar picker is turning 76 and celebrating his 50th year as a professional musician, that title just seems prescient. Ever since he secured his first gig in a Cornwall pub in exchange for free admission (after one set they hired him for the summer), he’s charted a maverick course. Chapman’s early records pulled together teams that would subsequently do well-compensated things with Elton John and Davie Bowie. Despite being characterized as a folk musician, probably because he usually performs alone with an acoustic guitar, Chapman’s more of a jack of all trades—there’s a lot of jazz and blues in his picking, blunt story-telling in his songs, and gruff humor in his stage patter. In the past decade folks like Jack Rose, Thurston Moore,and Steve Gunn have toured with him and he has released a stream of excellent instrumental records for Tompkins Square, Blastfirst Petite, and VDSQ. Gunn just produced 50 (Dusted review here), Chapman’s first album of songs in about a decade.

THREE BOOKS:

Probably my favourite book of all time is Let Us Now Praise Famous Men by James Agee and Walker Evans. The prose by Agee is just absolutely stunning—there’s one piece in the book where two white guys are out walking in small town Alabama on a Sunday and come across a young black couple who are just on their way to church and the black couple are terrified cause in those days, back in the 30’s when this was written, anything could happen—and Agee just gets it, you can sense that these two people are really scared coming across these two white guys even though they’ve done nothing wrong. Walker Evans’ photographs are equally amazing for their elegance and simplicity. I’ve always wanted to write a song as good as a Walker Evans’ photograph. Initially this was a commissioned piece by Life magazine on the state of the sharecroppers down in Alabama but both guys realised that the story was so much greater than that and it turned into a two year sojourn down there with this book the result.

The next book is Blood Meridian by Cormac McCarthy and the first of his books that I ever read. The language is absolutely extraordinary. It’s an extraordinary tale about the area that came to be Texas, in about 1830 and is one of the few books that I can quote from, “and whales haul their vast souls through a dark and seamless sea…….” His use of language to describe landscape as well as characters is so powerful in its dimensions, and his ability to evoke the sense of that era in all its blood and guts as well as beauty, they put him right up there with the previous writer.

The third book is L’Etranger or The Outsider by Albert Camus which was my introduction into French Existentialism at the tender age of 18, which had a lasting influence on me, from Descartes through to Camus and on through to just about anyone since you care to mention.

THREE FILMS:

Probably the most influential film musically was Jazz on a Summer’s Day which is how I heard Jimmy Giuffre for the first time playing the title track. I saw it in a little News Theatre at a railway station in Leeds. These theatres back then in the 50’s showed short films, newsreels and cartoons just repeating the programme throughout the day and I stayed in there all day just waiting for it to come round again and again and again. Totally transformed my life forever.

Visually probably the best film I ever saw was The Third Man—it was in black and white and the lighting was amazing—the Viennese sewers were not a place I’d have liked to have been. My painting at Art college and later my photography I like to think was influenced by this black and white epic  and maybe it worked into my songwriting too—my songs are probably more chiaroscuro than colourful some would say.

As a Hollywood movie—well actually it was anti Hollywood—there was Cimino’s Heaven’s Gate which bankrupted United Artists—put them completely out of business, and it was only about five years ago that it started to make a profit and now it’s one of the best arthouse films you’ll ever see—you need to see the director’s cut.

FOUR TRACKS OF MUSIC:

Yeh, firstly “The Train and the River” obviously—by the Jimmy Giufffre Three which taught me to think in a totally different way, how to play it, how to write it, how to put it all together—an astonishing piece. The fact that you could play jazz without a rhythm section was a total revelation to me.

Next would be Bach’s Dorian Fugue—at some point early on when I was still teaching, me and some of my students were so hooked on this piece of music that we even managed to get it onto the juke box in our local pub—which might be a first for JS. Sensational piece of music.

Then there’s Django Reinhardt—well there are so many Django recordings  but I’ve chosen Django playing electric—a track called “Minor Swing”—from an Everest Records Django Reinhardt compilation which a friend of mine, Josh Burkett, kindly tracked down for me. He plays electric and he’s like the forerunner of Hendrix, because basically he was a gypsy and he wanted to know how loud it would go for one thing!

Duke Ellington invited him over to America in ’51 and gave him this very expensive Gibson jazz guitar—God knows what happened to it because as soon as he got back to France he went back to that horrible old Selma and a threepenny tin can pick up and an amplifier turned up to 12 and his playing is just extraordinary—the speed the melody and the rhythm—it all just sings and shouts and when he just plays chords it sounds just like a brass section—that’s what I wanted to do on guitar too.

And lastly Howlin’ Wolf’s “Smoke Stack Lightnin’”—it’s probably one of the blackest records ever made ha—yeh I remember when I heard this for the very first time. I just went “whoa here we go!”

And so to quote Charlie Rich—“that’s it”

[hermanwatts]

Sensor Sweep: A. Conan Doyle, Barry Smith, Gardner Fox, Manly Wade Wellman, Sundered: Eldritch Edition

Tolkien (Jeffro Johnson): This came up the other day, so I had to look it up. Any classic character that is adapted to contemporary media is consistently mutilated into something they’re not. Most recently this can be observed in the many edits made to Princess Leia and Luke Skywalker in Disney’s cartoon adaptation of the original Star Wars film. It seems a small thing, maybe, but this is how people that hate us actively rewrite our culture right in front of us. Plenty of well meaning people take the knockoff for the original while their imaginations are dimmed. Before long, the waters are so muddied the original inspirational character concept is lost in the noise.

  Authors (DMR Books): Sir Arthur Conan Doyle would have turned one hundred and sixty today. If your average sword and sorcery fan were to be asked, “What British Victorian author had a major and lasting influence on S&S?”, chances are you’d get a blank stare or, maybe, “H. Rider Haggard.” “Sir Arthur Conan Doyle” would not likely be at the top of the list. And yet, Doyle profoundly affected the origins of S&S and continues to influence writers within the genre right up to 2019.

  Weird Tales (Don Herron): All the ruminating in re: Farnsworth Wright getting fired from the editorial chair at WeirdTales caused Brian to go digging through binder after binder until he pulled the note seen above from the trove. He has it mostly because of the “initial signature” of Farnsworth Wright — the squiggly “FW” — not initialed just to speed things up but because Wright, suffering from Parkinson’s disease, had a hell of a hard time doing a full autograph.

  Art (DMR Books): Legendary artist, Barry Windsor-Smith, turns seventy years old today. When I mentioned that fact earlier this week to a couple of older Barry fans, they were like, “No way!” Yes. Way.

Barry Windsor-Smith’s career history is a long and tangled one, spanning over fifty years. Time constraints prevent me–perhaps mercifully, for some readers–from looking at it in detail. For those unfamiliar with the life and work of BWS, you might check out this excellent link here. Or, you can read Barry’s own exhaustive bio here, though it only goes up to about 1995. For this post, I’m only going to touch on the highest of highlights, of which there are several.

  Authors (Goodman Games): Today is the birthday of Gardner F. Fox. Most people know him as the legendary and prolific writer for DC Comics who created the Justice Society of America as well as many of the most iconic DC Comics characters including Doctor Fate, the Flash, Hawkman, and Sandman. He also wrote many of the earliest Batman stories and was the first to introduce the Batarang. His contribution to the world of comics is well documented and uncontested.

  Fiction (Eldritch Paths): I wasn’t planning on it, but somehow I got sucked into rereading Brian Niemeier’s fantastic Soul Cycle series. These books are much better the second time. I say this as someone who’s never reread a novel. I’ll post the links to my initial reviews of each book below. I will be discussing some spoilers here so *SPOILER ALERT*.

  Science Fiction (John C. Wright): In science fiction stories, there are a limited number of ways to explain the conundrum of how time travel might work if it could work (obviously it cannot) but still to make a presentable and dramatic story.

I doubt I can list all the various answers of the various imaginative authors who have attempted in an entertaining way to address the paradox. It makes for entertaining bull sessions by college students and philosophers, however.

  Myth (Walk & Word): I’ll just say it. I like dragons. Yep, I’m that nerdy guy who’s into the fantasy genre: books, movies, art. If it’s about dragons, I’m into it. Now, if you mention dragons in the Bible, most people will immediately think about the dragon in the book of Revelation. However, what many people don’t know is that dragons are mentioned a lot in the Bible, particularly in the Old Testament. In fact, familiarity with these references to dragons in the OT will actually help the reader understand the dragon in Revelation even better.

  Men’s Adventure Magazines (Men’s Pulp Mags): The World War II years are often cited as beginning of the end of the classic pulp mag genre. The years after WWII saw the beginning of the rise of men’s adventure magazines, which incorporated and continued key elements of the pulps, such as painted covers and rousing action/adventure stories. Fans know what someone means when they refer to “pulp magazines.”

  Authors (Goodman Games): Manly Wade Wellman arrived in this world on May 21st, 1903, born literally an ocean away from the place he’d be forever associated with in his later life. Young Manly’s playground was the land of Portuguese West Africa (now Angola), where his father was stationed as a medical officer. It was undoubtedly here, in a land far removed from the staid world of 20th century America, that the seeds of Manly’s imagination found their first fertile ground. Wellman would grow to become an accomplished writer, penning stories in the genres of science fiction, fantasy, occult detective stories, prehistoric adventure, and horror during a career lasting almost 75 years.

  Sherlock Holmes (Pulpfest): Looking for a way to efficiently exploit the growing market of monthly magazines, Conan Doyle decided to offer more of Holmes and Watson. In the summer of 1891, “A Scandal in Bohemia” appeared in THE STRAND MAGAZINE. It would be followed by eleven more tales, one per month for the next year. In writing the stories that became THE ADVENTURES OF SHERLOCK HOLMES, Conan Doyle created the first short story series. In the years to follow, his idea would be imitated across the globe. It resounds to our very day in series television and throughout popular culture.

  Gaming (Eldritch Paths): I’ve never heard of Sundered: Eldritch Edition before yesterday. I saw a trailer and was immediately impressed by the art. This game has some fantastically eldritch art design. Take a look.

Magazines (Cirsova): Cirsova Summer Special Available for Pre-Order!

The Summer Special will be out June 3rd!

The Ghost of Torreón By EDD VICK and MANNY FRISHBERG A strange experiment gone wrong has granted Professor Rigoberto “Beto” Caminante an extraordinary power—the ability to “ride” radio waves!

  Gaming (Jonathan Moeller): A reader emailed to ask that since I’m self-publishing audiobooks if that meant I was going to start self-producing video games based on my books.

Not just no, but heck no!

Audiobooks are expensive. But video games are much more expensive and infinitely more complicated – you have to hire developers, programmers, artists, sound people, music people, QA people, and then the inevitable time fixing and patching bugs. All of that is enormously expensive.

  RPG (Goodman Games): My buddy Bob Bledsaw and I, both being avid wargamers, became fast friends in the fall of 1974. Dungeons & Dragons was the first game we played together and this launched a flurry of weekly adventures that he hosted at his house for about 18 months. Bob was an “older guy” of age 31; the rest of us were in our late teens. Along with D&D being a brand new game concept, we were in awe of his prodigious pace of campaign material production. I later learned that perhaps he had some insomnia that gave him more time than the average guy.

  Fantasy Fiction (Eldritch Paths): Modern fantasy just isn’t as fantastical as it could be. There is so much you can do in fantasy, and yet, the genre is mired in either Tolkien knock-offs or anti-Tolkien knock-offs. This is not a knock on Tolkien. I loved Lord of the Rings, it’s more a knock on Tolkien imitators.

If modern fantasy isn’t using Tolkien as an inspiration, it will tend to use history in a very copy-paste sort of way. I’m thinking here of Brent Weeks’ Night Angel Trilogy. It wasn’t a bad series, but the fantasy elements were the least interesting part of the story.

    Sensor Sweep: A. Conan Doyle, Barry Smith, Gardner Fox, Manly Wade Wellman, Sundered: Eldritch Edition published first on https://sixchexus.weebly.com/

[firstdraftpod]

Ep 187: Will Hines

First Draft Episode #187: Will Hines

Will Hines, improviser and actor, host of the podcast, “Screw It: We’re Just Going to Talk About the Beatles,” and author of How to be the Greatest Improviser on Earth joins me to talk about using his Tumblr to test audience engagement; the delicate nature of writing about a community you are a part of; his thorough approach to making the self-publication process as professional as possible; and his next (fictional) book about improv, co-written with fellow improviser Billy Merritt, Pirate Robot Ninja.

  Links and Topics Mentioned In This Episode

Josh Simpson, an improviser and teacher at the Upright Citizens Brigade training school in Los Angeles, and co-host of The Meat, an improv podcast

Jimmy Breslin, a Pulitzer Prize-winning columnist and journalist, who wrote The Good Rat, The Gang That Couldn’t Shoot Straight, and The World According to Breslin, and more

The Upright Citizen’s Brigade, the improv group and school founded by Amy Poehler, Matt Besser, Matt Walsh, and Ian Roberts.

Will’s Tumblr, Improv Nonsense, which gained traction and has been featured on Vulture and elsewhere

  Truth in Comedy by Charna Halpern, Del Close, and Kim “Howard” Johnson, considered one of the premiere books about long-form improvised comedy

Upright Citizens Brigade Comedy Improvisation Manual, the UCB training manual

Improvise: Scene From the Inside Out by Mick Napier

    Bird by Bird: Some Instructions of Writing and Life by Anne Lamott, a writing advice book that Will read as a young computer programmer

Andrew Sullivan, a conservative author, editor, and blogger who featured Will’s post, “Improv as religion,” on his site, garnering lots of attention

    The Life Changing Art of Tidying Up by Marie Kondo

The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron

Repetition exercises as a part of the Meisner Technique study of acting

    Tenth of December: Stories by George Saunders

“A Lack of Order in the Floating Object Room,” by George Saunders, a silly and slightly sci-fi short story that typifies his early writing and is the kind of humor writing that inspires Will

John Hodgman, author of Vacationland: True Stories from Painful Beaches

In writing, Will is concerned about what he calls “The Kevin Smith Problem,” where every character sounds the same (a la Clerks, Mallrats, and Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back)

Jason Mantzoukas, an actor, writer, and seasoned improviser who Will saw constantly improving his craft

Offset printing, a style of printing on the page that is “the way to make your book look beautiful,” according to Will, but it is more expensive, and requires a minimum print run

Artist Maëlle Doliveux, who drew the cover of Will’s book

Chip Kidd, a well-known book designer of Jurassic Park by Michael Crichton; Dry by Augusten Borroughs; and Naked by David Sedaris (he also has a hugely popular Ted Talk!).

Daniel Clowes, a cartoonist, graphic novelist, illustrator, and screenwriter. His work is collected in the solo Eightball project.

The Pirates, Robots, Ninjas theory, coined by Billy Merritt, a fellow UCB alum and teacher

    The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho; and

  “Carry On, Jeeves,” by P.G. Wodehouse; and

Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams are some of the funny books Will recommends

Without Feathers by Woody Allen, a collection of his writing which Will read and enjoyed as a masterclass on comedy before we knew all that awful stuff about Woody Allen

Out of Sheer Rage: Wrestling with D.H. Lawrence by Geoff Dyre, a meta novel about a man who wants to write about D.H. Lawrence but finds himself wanting to focus on anything else

Steve Martin, who blurbed Geoff Dyre’s book and has written his own, Born Standing Up: A Comic’s Life (nonfiction) and Shopgirl: A Novella (fiction)

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[haulix]

Music Industry Job Board (October 22, 2018)

New openings:

Customer Support Representative (Ace Products Groups - Petaluma, CA) 

We are a Petaluma-based Music Products company looking for sharp, qualified customer support representatives to help manage our growing customer base for a broad line of musical instrument accessory products. Candidates should be passionate & self-motivated, with some experience in the music products industry or a background in music. Salary negotiable w/benefits. Part time to full time available.

Music Content Writer (dBHeard Publishing Group LLC - Tonganoxie, KS) 

This is a position for those who want to excel in customer relations via written interactions handled through email and live chat platforms with our customers go the extra mile for the customer.

You’ll assist customers in various points of their shopping experience and build a great rapport between us and our customers. Most of all, you’ll treat others the way we all want to be treated; with respect and honesty. You’ll need to communicate clearly to customers via email and social media, but mostly through answering phone calls from our customers. We do not, and will never, conduct cold calls to unsuspecting people.

Talent Buyer Assistant (AEG - Columbia, SC) 

The Talent Buyer Assistant will support the Talent Buyer with the booking of events and shows. This position drafts offers to be submitted to artists and venues. This role also coordinates the availability of both artists and venues to create calendar holds for shows and events. Additionally, they assist in the maintenance of show files and the settlement of shows.

Music Publishing Licensing Assistant (Wixen Music Publishing - Calabasas, CA) 

The ideal candidate has no or limited experience in the music business and is looking to get a solid footing in the music business and grow with us. Schooling in music industry studies and/or playing an instrument are pluses but are not required.

Success in this position requires a strong work ethic, attention to detail, ability to work with others and follow instructions, extreme organizational skills (proficiency in Excel is a major plus!), able to keep calm under pressure, a deep desire to learn, and the ability to create and nurture lasting relationships with our TV, film, advertising agency, and record label licensees.

If you’ve always wanted to be a music supervisor, great! But this IS NOT the job for you - this is not a “creative” position. On the other hand, if you’re tired of hearing horror stories about songwriters getting ripped off or struggling to make a living and want to go to bat for them, let’s talk, we have just the opening for you.

Executive Assistant (Sony - Miami, FL) 

Reporting to the Special Projects Manager, this temporary Executive Assistant position is responsible for a wide range of administrative and executive support related tasks. This individual will work very closely with the Special Projects Manager and will help support the office by answering phones, arranging travel, maintaining expenses, and processing invoices. The qualified candidate must be comfortable with different working styles and be able to work in a high paced, fluid environment.

StubHub Customer Service Support (eBay - Draper, UT) 

We are richly diverse and embrace our unique contributions and individual differences. We live life passionately. We act as one team in pursuit of connecting people with the teams, artists and people they care about most. We're bold, inventive and are constantly upping our game. And we're looking for people who are fully dedicated to providing unique perspectives and are passionate about experiencing the world through live events. We hope you'll join us.

Assistant Sound Engineer (Ordway Center for the Performing Arts - Saint Paul, MN) 

The position of Assistant Sound Engineer is a full-time, non-exempt, position with the production sound department, and shall work together with the Head Sound Engineer in the accomplishment of responsibilities pertaining to the department. This position requires the employee to directly interact with other House Crew members, clients as well as Extra Crew members and requires a positive and supportive attitude as well as a strong work ethic both when working with the clients and Extra Crew members.

The work responsibilities, conditions of employment, and wage conditions of the Assistant are governed by a Collective Bargaining Agreement between the International Alliance of Theatrical Stage Employees, Local No. 13, Minneapolis/ St. Paul, Minnesota and the Ordway Center for the Performing Arts. The position is also governed by all Ordway personnel policies for full-time employees, where such policies do not conflict with the Collective Bargaining Agreement.

Live Sound Engineer (A&J Productions - North Haven, CT) 

Walk into a venue, turn on PA system in correct order. Set up the stage, and mix the band(s). Must have knowledge of signal flow through a console and PA system. Must be good under pressure and have your own transportation. Musicians preferred

Recording Engineer (The Mix Loft Recording Studio - Las Vegas, NV) 

Recording engineer needed for sessions, Protools, melodyne, autotune, wavetune experience required. Flexible schedule. Pop,R&B, Rap, Rock etc. Please submit a resume and at least 2 mixes from 2 genres.

Sound Designer (PLAYSTUDIOS Inc - Burlingame, CA) 

As we expand our portfolio of free-to-play apps, we’re looking for experienced and ambitious SOUND DESIGNER to create captivating audio experiences that delight our players and reward their deeper engagement. In collaboration with the Creative Team, you will design audio effects and music for our casual games, social casino games, metagame promotions, and live operations features. As a self-starting professional, you will take pride in delivering the highest quality audio design for a wide variety of games and enjoy pushing your technical skills to new limits, with the support of your Audio Team colleagues. You’ll have a passion for play, a healthy respect for our players, and you won’t take no for an answer when it comes to making our games better. A solid grasp of the principles of audio production, sound design and music composition is essential, as well as strong organizational skills and a passion for creating exceptional audio experiences. 

Executive Assistant, Motown (Capitol Music Group - Hollywood, CA) 

This Executive Assistant will provide administrative support to the President of Motown Records located in Hollywood, CA. The ideal candidate will have Music or Entertainment experience and have experience supporting an EVP, President or other high-level executive with discretion and confidentiality. Must be very efficient and highly detail oriented. Multi-tasking and working on tight deadlines in a high-pressure environment is crucial. No task is too small and no challenge too great. A “can-do” attitude is essential. In this vital role, you will serve as the right arm to the President as well as provide overflow support to the team and overall company. Your honed organizational and communication skills will be on full display as you work to facilitate seamless administrative functions and maximize productivity. The primary goals are to leverage the President’s time and manage a productive office environment.

Head of Country Music Programming (Pandora - Nashville, TN) 

We are seeking an individual with expertise, experience and deep passion for country music; as well as a vision for country music across streaming radio, on demand, and custom content platforms. The person in this role will curate genre radio stations and on demand playlists, develop the country library, and create editorial content. The ideal candidate brings experience in terrestrial radio, digital radio, editorial and/or playlisting.

This Curator Programmer is responsible for country music on Pandora, the largest streamer of country music in the world. They will be responsible for creating new and innovative culturally relevant content programs, serving listeners across all tiers of service to fill programming gaps and fulfill all listener needs.

Bookkeeper/Admin Asst (Art's Music Shop - Birmingham, AL) 

Looking for a Customer Service person with bookkeeping experience (closing out registers, making bank deposits, basic accounting skills, billing/collections, taking payments, answering the phones)

This is a position that requires people skills, organizational and problem-solving skills, and a consistent attendance.

Full time employees quality for Health Insurance, Paid Sick Leave, and Paid Vacation Days.

Administrative Assistant (UMG - Woodland Hills, CA) 

UMG Finance is looking for an administrative assistant to primarily support the SVP, Credit & Collections and secondarily provide support as needed for the Directors and Sr. Managers in the department. This person may also grow to handle lower level credit, claims and accounts receivables functions as needed to support the group during heavy workload periods. UMG Finance encompasses all oversight of incoming and outgoing financial issues, applications and strategies, of which the Credit & Collections area is a major part of. It has historically prided itself in best in class services in collecting income for the company’s businesses – its labels and its artists’ commercial assets – digital, physical, streaming, D2C – while maintaining the best relationships and reputations with its commercial partners.

Executive Assistant, Premium Marketing and Business Development (Spotify - NYC) 

We’re now looking for an awesome Executive Assistant to provide outstanding support to Spotify’s Premium Brand and Partnership VPs and their teams. This is a full-time position located at our New York office. Some travel may be required periodically.

In this role, you will provide administrative and structural support to the VP of Premium Brand (based in NYC) and the VP of Premium Partnership (based in London). Spotify is a very fast moving and dynamic organization so be sure to buckle up, this is an exciting role! You will play an important part in the effectiveness of the Premium team but above all, your work will impact the way the world experiences music.

Administrative Assistant, Operations (AEG Worldwide - Honolulu, HI) 

The Hawaii Convention Center is located within walking distance of Waikiki, the Hawaii Convention Center is like no other in the world. Open to the outdoors - with terraces, lanais, courtyards, waterfalls, and fishponds - this remarkable facility combines the latest in cutting edge technology with authentic Hawaiian ambience. Our cultural diversity and legendary spirit of aloha encourage attendees to see the world in a new light, so it's no surprise that people accomplish more when they meet here. Best of all, the warmth of Hawaii and its people continue to inspire, long after meetings have ended. 

Band & Orchestra Sales (Strait Music Company - Austin, TX) 

Strait Music Company, Austin's oldest and largest full-line music store, is currently seeking an experienced sales associate for our Band & Orchestra department at our South Austin location (Ben White & Lamar). We are looking for someone who is passionate about music and people, a self starter/takes initiative and can think on their feet.

You will be responsible for selling and renting band/orchestra instruments, working with our customers to meet their musical needs, and for keeping the department stocked and looking good. Experience in retail or customer service is a plus and familiarity with band and/or orchestra instruments is a must.

Assistant, Digital Marketing Operations, Urban (WMG - NYC) 

This role is a great entry point and stepping stone into digital marketing. This job is the intersection of creative, marketing, technology, operations and production; you will have your hand in a lot of different areas. You must be detail-oriented and able to multi-task, as you will be assisting many artist projects, and administrating a fast-paced, large, growing team. You will be the direct operational support for the urban digital marketing team across all aspects of a music release – you will also be working closely with product managers, our in-house creative design, development and video team, and artist managers to help bring artists’ visions to life.

The ideal candidate is interested in the day-to-day operational facets of a music release AND new technology. This person reads blogs (tech and entertainment) every day, installs every new app just to try it out, and has a passion for leveraging the Internet to drive artist careers and revenue. They live on social media, lifestyle blogs, and discover new music in interesting ways. They understand how to optimize content across social platforms, have a desire to learn the “nuts and bolts” of what it takes operationally to release music and videos. As the environment is incredibly collaborative, you will be assisting in digital marketing operations for the department as a whole as well, giving you insights into many aspects of the digital space.

Director (Alabama Music Hall of Fame - Tuscumbia, AL) 

Reporting to the AMHOF Board of Directors, the executive director will have overall strategic and operational responsibility for the Alabama Music Hall of Fame.

Marketing and Sales Office Assistant Manager (Carmel Music Academy - Carmel, IN) 

We are seeking an experienced Marketing and Sales Office Assistant Manager for our growing business. You will increase and maintain client count, create and maintain digital and social media marketing, and manage the day to day operations of the business. You will craft compelling marketing messages to excel our client count. We work with clients throughout Hamilton, Marion, & Boone Counties specializing in music lessons for all ages. The best candidate for this position will have 3 years or more experience in sales, digital & social media marketing, and office management. Work closely with director, office staff, instructors and clients. Build relationships with people of all ages, you must have a desire for working with people. Working in high end restaurant, high end retail sales, with parents and kids is the best qualifying experience you will bring to the position. 

Associate Director, Artist Marketing (Spotify - NYC) 

The Artist Marketing team play a critical role in defining and driving Spotify’s promotional strategy around new and existing music content. As a leader on this team, you will help build and shape marketing programs that acquire, engage, and retain priority audiences across new album releases, individual artists, playlist franchises, and beyond.

D2C Marketer (UMG - Philadelphia, PA) 

ame House, a Universal Music Group company, is looking for a D2C Marketer to join our team in Philadelphia, PA. The D2C Marketer will work with our D2C Marketing and Creative Departments to strategize, manage, and execute digital campaigns for our clients’ e-commerce releases and promotions. You will have the opportunity to work with some of the most successful artists and entertainment companies in the world.

Assistant, Digital Marketing Operations, Rock/Pop (WMG - NYC) 

This role is a great entry point and stepping stone into digital marketing. This job is the intersection of creative, marketing, technology, operations and production; you will have your hand in a lot of different areas. You must be detail-oriented and able to multi-task, as you will be assisting many artist projects, and administrating a fast-paced, large, growing team. You will be the direct operational support for the rock/pop digital marketing team across all aspects of a music release – you will also be working closely with product managers, our in-house creative design, development and video team, and artist managers to help bring artists’ visions to life.

The ideal candidate is interested in the day-to-day operational facets of a music release AND new technology. This person reads blogs (tech and entertainment) every day, installs every new app just to try it out, and has a passion for leveraging the Internet to drive artist careers and revenue. They live on social media, lifestyle blogs, and discover new music in interesting ways. They understand how to optimize content across social platforms, have a desire to learn the “nuts and bolts” of what it takes operationally to release music and videos. As the environment is incredibly collaborative, you will be assisting in digital marketing operations for the department as a whole as well, giving you insights into many aspects of the digital space.

[pubtheatres1]

TIMMY by Roxy Dunn King’s Head Theatre 11 and 12 July Part of PLAYMILL Festival ‘ … ballsy originality, catch it when you can’ ★★★★★ Who needs an expensive set when you have two ‘talking heads’ speaking directly to the audience bringing the whole house into convulsions of laughter. This show has ballsy originality. There are several no-no’s here. It’s a play about relationships, spoken by two people who never actually look each other in the face. Surely this cannot work? However, standing at angles to each other turns out to be a brilliant metaphor for their disjointure. She’s not getting enough sex, and he wants to be friends instead of lovers, or does he? Maybe not, so doesn’t he fancy her? Maybe he does. Doesn’t he want to commit? Maybe he doesn’t. Or … there’s another problem preventing the couple from getting what they want from each other. The denouement when is arrives is extremely brief and like the rest of the show has an illusive quality. The two actors are exceptional with their exquisite comic timing. Writer Roxy Dunn plays the role of Judith with extraordinary charm whilst Joz Norris as Tim speaks volumes with the slightest expression and movement of his body. Lighting is slick. Sound has its own comic timing and role in the show. The director, Hanna Berrigan has got it all right. If you want a great night out, catch this when it’s next in town. TIMMY by Roxy Dunn King’s Head Theatre 11 and 12 July 2018 Part of PLAYMILL Festival at King’s Head Theatre Full programme: http://www.kingsheadtheatre.com/cop-of-what-s-on Edinburgh Fringe 1-13, 15-27 August 2018 https://tickets.edfringe.com/whats-on/timmy Reviewer Heather Jeffery is founder and Editor of London Pub Theatres Magazine www.londonpubtheatre.com @pubtheatres1 Email: hjwrites@aol.com Formerly playwright and Artistic Director of Changing Spaces Theatre. Her plays have been performed at Drayton Arms Theatre (Kensington), Old Red Lion Theatre (Islington), VAULT festival (Waterloo), St Paul’s Church (Covent Garden), Cockpit Theatre (Marylebone) and Midlands Arts Centre (Birmingham)

[dorothydelgadillo]

The Ultimate Holiday Gift Guide for Web Developers

With the holidays just around the corner, it’s time to start stuffing stockings and surfing the web for something special. If you’re looking to shop for the web developer in your life—whether they’re just getting off the ground or a seasoned pro, you’ve come to the right place.

As a bonus, many of these gifts are perfect for entrepreneurs or freelancers in general—whether it’s a killer playlist to help them get through another workday, or a new set of bookkeeping software that will revolutionize this year’s taxes—people who own their own businesses are usually moving a mile a minute, and they can use all the help they can get!

Start with the Fun Stuff

Many of the gifts listed here are something that programmers definitely need in order to do their jobs, and you can take some of the stress of running a web development business away by chipping in to their overhead. But make sure you start with something fun, first, and bundle it with something more practical.

Play around with open source arduinos with the ARDUINO K000007 The Starter Kit; $87.95

Also in the arduino family: consider the latest version of Raspberry Pi, a computer the size of a business card: CanaKit Raspberry Pi 3 Complete Starter Kit; $69.99

This is technically for children, but I know many adults who’d go crazy for the Bloxels Build Your Own Video Game; $34.99

Because CSS is awesome, try the CSS Is Awesome Mug; $16.75 (check out the related gifts for a full product line of coder dad-jokey mugs)

Looking for some wall art? Check out the 1974 ENIAC First Programmable Computer Patent Print; starts at $6.99

If you’re going for the “cute tech” vibe, this Old School Floppy Disk Pillow will do the trick; $12

Bookkeeping

If you’re looking to buy for a freelance programmer, note that bookkeeping is essential to keeping a freelancer on their feet (and while it may sound boring, making sure you get paid is anything but). There are a range of solid digital platforms that offer user-friendly software for small-business owners to choose from so that they can focus on client work without worrying about the minutiae of keeping their numbers straight. Consider the specific needs of the business these systems would be serving—what the web dev in your life really needs. Have the complained that their clients always say “The check’s in the mail” and are looking to switch to online payments? Or are they doing business with international companies and constantly Googling conversion rates? Whatever the case, take your pick from any one of these excellent options:

QuickBooks offers payroll support—critical if your giftee is planning on hiring a staff; $10-$50/month

Xero works with flexible payment options like PayPal and Swipe; $9-$70/month

FreshBooks works on any device; $15-$50/month

Agile and Communication Tools

Half the battle of getting work done is organization. Add to that the stress of communicating with various clients and teammates, and you’re looking at hours of time lost to managing. That’s where agile tools come in. These systems are designed to streamline projects so that communication around goals, timelines, and the final product, are clear and easy to follow.

Asana offers a variety of digital tools to make collaboration smooth and organized; plans start at $9.99/month

Dropbox gives users storage space and sharing options to track projects with clients; starts at $9.99/month

Slack is a secure chat system with archiving and search features make it easy to find conversations as you work, and collaborators can be invited to join; starts at $8/month

Trello —like Asana— is an organization and project-tracking system that you can customize depending on your style and type of work; starts at $9.99/month

Tech Upgrades

The coder in your life almost certainly has a computer, but you can help them get the upgrade their set up with a few accessories. These range in price from stocking stuffer to a big expense—but each packs a significant punch.

Never squint at a tiny laptop screen again with Le Slide by SlidenJoy Laptop Monitor extender; starting at $411.50

This serious investment means the home office of any developers dreams, but you might need the whole family to chip in on the Dell U-Series 37.5″ Screen LED-Lit Monitor; $1099.93

Protect those eyes with anti-glare computer glasses; $12.99. (We’re also a fan of this more fashion-forward pair for only $9.49)

The Intel Compute Stick CS125 Computer with Intel Atom x5 Processor and Windows 10 turns just about any screen with an HDMI connection into a fully functioning computer—meaning you can literally carry a computer around with you in your pocket; $119.99

Motivation

Sometimes the greatest challenge of any workday boils down to productivity—which is all about taking care of yourself. Whether you’re your own boss or writing code for a company that (thankfully) gives you plenty of space and autonomy, productivity is yours to manage. And when you burn out on long workdays, self-management becomes even harder. That’s where these products come in. Give the web developer in your life a boost to get them through the work days that require Eye of the Tiger playlists or a meditative wakeup call.

Spotify memberships come with unlimited access to millions of songs, playlists, and podcasts; $9.99/month

YogaWakeUp is an app that curates gentle, meditative sequences for you to wake up to and are designed to create a thoughtful, peaceful start to the workday; begins at $5.99/month

Kindle Unlimited subscriptions can be accessed from any device with an internet connection—whether your giftee wants to read up on coding or simply take some time off with their favorite fiction writer; $59.94/month

If you’re looking for more suggestions for the remote worker or freelancer in your life, check back later this month for our customized gift guides.

from Web Developers World https://skillcrush.com/2017/12/11/holiday-gift-guide-web-developers-programmers-coders/

[switchstrategyblog]

America – Tax-Free Zone Video Course

America – Tax-Free Zone Video Course

America – Tax-Free Zone Video Course

I’m talking about legally eliminating all taxation on the most common forms of investment income. Or running a business with 4% or less taxes on profits.

Never before have such incredible tax incentives been available to Americans so easily.

Dear Reader,

I did it.

I recently moved down to the Island of Enchantment with my family.

Not that they mind… it’s been sunny almost every day with a cool ocean breeze, and temperatures in the 70s and 80s.

Sure beats the freezing cold and snowy weather.

Our big workout down here is taking a swim in the pool or the ocean versus digging out of huge snow piles.

But it wasn’t just the sunny skies, year-round warm weather, and beautiful ocean beaches that drew us to Puerto Rico; it was the incredible tax breaks that are available here that are not available anywhere else in the world for would-be former US residents.

You see, to spur job growth and economic activity in general, the Commonwealth of Puerto Rico introduced these enormous tax incentives for incoming residents and service businesses.

Specifically, for Puerto Rican residents and businesses that qualify—mostly expatriates from the US mainland or their enterprises—the recently enacted Act 22 and Act 20 provide for a zero tax rate on capital gains and certain interest and dividends earned by individuals.

And, if you a run a business that exports services like I’m doing here, they also provide for low single-digit tax rates on your profits. No double tax taxation, no income tax on profits, just a top 4% withholding on distributions to owners (and no corporate tax on profits sent to your partners outside of Puerto Rico, either).

According to Bloomberg, “The marginal tax rate for affluent New Yorkers can exceed 50 percent on ordinary income.”

By relocating to Puerto Rico, enormous tax savings can be achieved.

For certain investors, that could mean eliminating taxation completely. For the right businesses, it could mean tax rates of just 4% on earnings.

Anyone who relocates to Puerto Rico can apply for the tax shelter of Acts 22 and 20—including mainland US citizens, who cannot find similar benefits anywhere else in the world without significant complication and expense.

Now, I know it sounds too good to be true.

But I’ve done a comprehensive boots-on-the-ground investigation and found that the tax advantages are real, and that for many Americans they are a huge opportunity that could truly be life-changing.

Because, until now, there was no easy, legal way to escape US taxes… besides death or renouncing your US citizenship.

That’s because the US is the only country in the world that effectively taxes its citizens and former residents no matter where they live and make their money.

Sure, there are plenty of low-tax countries in the world. Singapore, the Cayman Islands, and Dubai come to mind—and chances are you’ve heard of them all for that reason.

These little countries have turned into financial and services meccas because any Londoner or Parisian or Canadian could head there and run a business or manage their investments in a much more tax-friendly climate.

America, not so much. While they do allow a small exemption for a minimal amount of income, with lots of rules, generally Americans are taxed no matter where they go. Especially the successful ones.

Many believe it’s these suffocating and unfavorable tax policies plaguing US citizens that are responsible for the record number of Americans saying goodbye permanently to Uncle Sam by renouncing their citizenship and heading to places like Singapore.

In fact, Forbes is reporting that the number of US citizens and permanent residents who gave up their citizenship soared 221% last year alone.

That’s what Facebook cofounder Eduardo Savarin did when he headed for Singapore.

But the penalty for giving up your citizenship is high if you’re wealthy—thanks to the enormous US exit tax.

The US worries about this trend, of course.

Jurisdictions like Puerto Rico want in on it to boost their own economies, like Hong Kong or Macau or Belize have. Because of those dual forces, there is now a much easier way to seek less-taxed shores, one of which is rooted in decades of US law and support and unlikely to change on a whim.

That’s where Puerto Rico shines brightly above all others…

By becoming a bona fide resident of Puerto Rico, you can escape paying high US taxes legally, still retain your American citizenship, and avoid paying the hefty exit tax.

You see, since Puerto Rico is an unincorporated territory (commonwealth) of the US, it’s allowed to have a special tax arrangement.

Namely, legal residents of Puerto Rico who earn their income in Puerto Rico do not pay US federal income taxes.

All Puerto Ricans are already US citizens, and since it is a commonwealth of the US, Americans are generally free to stay on the island without restriction and do not even need a passport to travel there. It’s like visiting another state for most purposes, though one that predominately speaks Spanish.

But speaking Spanish is not a necessity to move there… you don’t need to learn Spanish to get around Puerto Rico. Many expats and relocated mainland Americans only speak English and get along just fine.

While mainland Americans who become Puerto Rican residents do not have to pay US federal income taxes on income earned on the island, they still have to pay local Puerto Rican taxes.

Traditionally, those taxes have been very close to those back home, so the island’s unique tax status didn’t net much benefit.

For decades, the US Virgin Islands have offered tax incentives to attract investors to the islands—with programs supported by the US government since the 1950s. However, these programs were complex and imposed huge regulatory burdens. And those islands are much smaller and with much less of the modern infrastructure Puerto Rico offers.

Over the last few decades, Puerto Rico caught on to the enormous benefits such tax incentives brought to its neighbors in the Caribbean and Central America, and provided incentives to draw big manufacturers like Pfizer, Bard, and Praxair to the island—all have facilities within a stone’s throw of my chosen home—even Microsoft has a presence here.

But, they were losing out on less environmentally impactful and better-paying jobs in finance, call centers, and dozens of other service businesses that headed elsewhere.

To catch up, Puerto Rico recently slashed its taxes on capital gains, dividends, and interest to ZERO for new residents who apply.

This means that mainland Americans who move to Puerto Rico can eliminate taxation on investments they make on the island or in the markets. This is a huge benefit to stock traders, venture capitalists, M&A practitioners, or anyone who gets bitten by capital gains tax at the end of the year. This is what “Act 22” accomplishes.

On top of that, they’ve launched a set of incentives to draw service businesses down to the island. Everything from asset managers to marketers and public relations professionals. Computer programmers. Graphic designers. Or writers and researchers, like me.

Under this law—Act 20—any service business that can be operated in Puerto Rico for clients outside of Puerto Rico can apply for special tax treatment, including a host of benefits of which the most important is a tax rate of 4% or lower.

This is so small it’s almost a rounding error in comparison to the combined US federal, state, and sometimes city income taxes that you would pay on the mainland US.

For example, an investment manager based in Puerto Rico who performs services for US-based clients would be eligible for the lower income tax rate.

The tax benefits are so enormous that I brought my own family here to take advantage of them.

I would not have made the move and uprooted my family if I didn t think the tax advantages were real and here to stay.

With the extra income I make by residing in Puerto Rico, I’ll be able to provide my family with a better quality of life and still keep our US citizenship. In Puerto Rico you’ll enjoy a low cost of living compared to most island locations (I even still get free Prime shipping from Amazon), excellent health care, modern telecommunication services like high-speed Internet that’s faster than I could ever get in my home in Vermont… not to mention tropical weather, beautiful beaches, majestic mountains, good food, and a thriving arts scene.

On top of that, the business tax savings here and the great pool of educated labor allow me to reinvest more of my income into growing my business. And when I do turn a profit, I keep what I’ve risked so much and worked so hard to earn.

All on a tropical island in the Caribbean that’s 100 miles long and 35 miles wide… about three times the size of Rhode Island.

Now like everywhere else, of course, Puerto Rico has its negatives. Make a decision like mine and inevitably you will hear something about the crime. But to extrapolate the bad statistics to the entire area is a mistake. It would be like not moving to Michigan’s beautiful lakefront because of crime in Detroit.

Like any state with a dense metropolitan area, there’s crime in some areas. If you steer clear of those areas or take the same precautions you would in any big city around the world, you’ll be fine.

So if you’re an individual who makes most of your money from capital gains, a service provider who can provide services from Puerto Rico to your non-Puerto Rican clients, or a business owner with operations outside of Puerto Rico… then you could benefit substantially from very significant income tax savings with a move to the Island of Enchantment.

That’s why I was eager to make the move to Puerto Rico myself. And after traveling the island, meeting with real estate agents, lawyers, government reps, accountants, et al., I’m more convinced than ever that the tax benefits are enormous for those that qualify.

But there are some hurdles you need to be aware of. This is not a decision to be made on a whim; it requires a little bit of preparation and planning.

The good part is that my excellent colleagues at Casey Research and International Man who have been helping individuals make the most of their financial freedom for four decades now and I have done almost all the hard work for you.

We’ve put together the definitive, authoritative, comprehensive guidebook to the tax advantages of residing in Puerto Rico.

This guidebook, How to Legally Remove Yourself from the U.S. Tax Code, without Leaving America, thoroughly covers the unique opportunity for Americans that Puerto Rico’s Acts 20 and 22 offer.

We’ve put in hundreds of hours of research, with our sandals on the beach, to make this report a reality. It has been circulated for comments by attorneys and accountants in the US and in Puerto Rico to ensure the advice is as accurate and straightforward as possible.

In fact, one of Puerto Rico’s most prominent law offices, Pietrantoni Méndez & Alvarez (PMA) LLC, has lent its seal of approval to the report after thoroughly reviewing it. You know how much work it takes to get a lawyer to commit to anything.

If you’re considering the possibility of relocating to take advantage of these tax savings, our Puerto Rico guide is a must have.

I can tell you from experience, it will save you thousands in legal expenses by helping you understand how you and/or your business can qualify for these life-changing benefits.

Start here before you sit down with your own accountant or attorney. Or find out how, if you’re only taking advantage of Act 22, you can easily apply yourself.

The guide is packed with actionable information, including a multitude of professional resources (lawyers, accountants, real estate firms, etc.) that we have personally vetted.

We believe this guidebook is so important, especially right now, that we’ve arranged a way for you to get a free copy for a limited time by clicking here.

Inside, you’ll receive exclusive guidance available nowhere else, including…

How individual Americans can totally eliminate all taxation on certain types of investment income (capital gains, dividend, and interest income). How service businesses (like consultants, software development, accountants, financial planners, asset managers, etc.) can reduce their top corporate tax rate to 4%, a pittance when compared to the top corporate rate of 40% in the mainland US. The genesis of the new tax incentives in Puerto Rico and why we believe they are here to stay. How to apply for these tax benefits, including the written and unwritten rules you have to follow. How to qualify for many of these life-changing benefits without an expensive visit to a law office. Our top personal resources available to help you find a home, get tax help, structure businesses, network with expats, and more. The answers to a list of frequently asked questions about moving and living in Puerto Rico, including banking in Puerto Rico, the best places for expats to live (from a modest budget to more luxurious options), and how to navigate a real estate transaction. As I mentioned above, I have personally made the move to Puerto Rico to take advantage of the huge tax savings that as an American I cannot obtain anywhere else in the world.

So we’re not just reporting from theory here, but are actually on the ground in Puerto Rico gathering the facts on the rules and regulations that make these tax savings work to your advantage.

That’s why we’re excited to make available our guidebook, How to Legally Remove Yourself from the U.S. Tax Code, without Leaving America, to you today for free for a limited time. So that you can achieve substantially lower taxes—and a dramatically improved lifestyle—without leaving America behind.

America – Tax-Free Zone Video Course

America – Tax-Free Zone Video Course

The post America – Tax-Free Zone Video Course appeared first on Top Info Scout.

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[trepmoola-blog]

26 Businesses You Can Start for Free

Written by Briana is the content marketing specialist for Bplans. She enjoys discussing marketing, social media, and the pros and cons of the Oxford comma.

You’ve always wanted to start a business. You’re tired of working for someone else, and you’d love the flexibility and responsibility of running your own company.

The trouble is, you don’t have a whole lot of starting capital—or any, for that matter. Which probably means you’re out of luck, right?

Wrong! Here are 26 businesses that you can start virtually free (and those that aren’t completely free are quite low-cost). They don’t require expensive training or degrees, fancy equipment, or lots of materials, space, or product.

That being said, plenty of the businesses mentioned below require, at a minimum, regular access to a computer, the internet, and perhaps a car. However, if you’ve got those sorted already, dive right in—you’re bound to find a business idea that suits your skill set if you think creatively!

1. Blogging

While not a new concept, monetized blogging is always a popular option for an essentially no-cost business.

There are tons of options when it comes to making money from your blog, such as affiliate partnerships, producing ebooks, offering online courses and webinars. Some of these work better than others, as and certain blog niches will be more popular and easy to monetize than others. For instance, beauty, food, and parenting blogs are some of the most popular niches, and will, therefore, be easier to monetize (though you’ll also face stiffer competition).

It’s worth mentioning, however, that monetizing your blog will work best when you choose a subject that you are actually passionate about and personally invested in to blog about. So, this route works best if you’re thinking, “Yeah! I’ve always really wanted to start a blog about my love of handcrafted artisan chocolates!” (or whatever else gets you going). Merely wanting to make money isn’t enough.

2. In-home child care

If you love children and have a good setup for it, turning your home into an in-home childcare facility might be a great option for you. There will be associated fees and licensing requirements (which vary state by state), but these aside, the costs associated with starting a childcare business are minimal to none.

To start, check out our article on starting a daycare business, which will walk you through all the steps you’ll need to go through to get your business up and running.

3. In-home dog care

In a similar vein, if you love caring for animals, consider setting up a doggy daycare business. You can operate during business hours, for folks who need someone to watch their dog while at work, or you can look after dogs for people while they are out of town.

In addition to being low-to-no-cost, the skill set you need is pretty self-explanatory: experience with caring for dogs, and ability to patiently and carefully look after them. If you’d love to start a dog care business but haven’t spent a ton of time around dogs, consider volunteering at an animal shelter first.

Check out DogVacay to get a sense of what this looks like, and what other sitters are charging in your area. You can even list yourself on the site!

4. Pet services

On that note, why not start a business that encompasses all of the smaller details of pet ownership, such as taking pets to grooming or vet appointments, dog walking, pet sitting, and so on?

Mix and match services depending on what works for you; you could easily start a business involving full-service pet help, including walks, trips to the groomer, sitting during the day, and so on.

5. Dog training

If you’re great with dogs, you might also want to look into starting a business as a dog trainer. Be aware that as with the other pet-related business suggestions your business will fare best in an area where demand is high—one where there are lots of dog owners.

Beyond this consideration, starting a dog training business can be a great, cost-free business to start, especially if you have experience working with dogs or are able to learn. Consider shadowing at an established training facility to find out more about the process, and check out this article from the Animal Humane Society on becoming a dog trainer.

6. Freelance writing

Are you a strong writer? This one is a no-brainer. If you have solid writing skills, consider starting a business as a freelance writer.

To build up your portfolio and client base, you may want to start with a site like Upwork (and check out my article on using Upwork to find great freelancers—it’ll give you insight into what to do, and what not to do!).

7. Freelance editing

Similarly, if you have a great eye for necessary structural changes and enjoy editing for grammar and punctuation, you may want to consider starting a freelance editing business.

As long as there is written content, there will be a need for editors (this blogger discusses an instance in which her roommate and fellow editor took on an entire thesis over the weekend) so if you have writing experience and a good eye, freelance editing may be a business idea to consider.

8. Resume building

Maybe you’ve worked as a hiring manager for years, and you know exactly what employers are looking for. Maybe you are a graphic design whiz and love creating a polished, professional-looking resume. Maybe you also have a great eye for detail (and I mean great—no mistakes allowed here!).

If so, consider starting a business as a resume builder. There are multiple ways you could approach this; some services specialize in editing existing documents, while others will build an entire resume—graphics, content, and all—for a considerably larger fee and time expenditure. What you choose will depend on your skill set, but both are viable options for free businesses to start.

9. Logo and image design

If you’re artistic and good with Photoshop, consider starting a logo or graphic design business. You can list your services on sites like Upwork, 99Designs, or any of the number of other freelance sites available to help build a portfolio and a client base to start.

If this sounds right up your alley, check out these resources from How Design, geared toward those interested in freelance graphic design or starting a design business.

10. Etsy business

While some Etsy businesses have a cost component associated with starting (think jewelry making and other crafts where materials are involved), there are some products that can be sold on Etsy that involve very minimal startup costs.

For example, if you’re a designer but not much interested in logo creation, digital art and other printables such as to-do lists and calendars are hugely popular on sites like Etsy.

A basic search of the term “printable” should bring up hundreds of ideas, with everything from wedding invitations to word art. The beauty of this business idea is that you simply create the image and list it; once it’s purchased, your customers do all the work.

11. Consulting

Starting a consulting business is always a popular free business to start. The type of consulting you choose to offer will depend on your skill set; do you have a social media marketing background, or maybe you’ve got legal experience?

Look at your skills and your previous job experience and see what you could bring to the table that others might not have your expertise in. Check out Neil Patel’s article on lessons learned starting a consulting business for an in-depth look at the process.

12. Errand runner or jack of all trades

Have you heard of TaskRabbit, the site where you can essentially ask anyone to do any task for you—no matter how menial? (Though I assume you’d get a few funny looks if you asked someone to help you open that tricky jam jar.)

Consider employing a similar idea, and start a business as a jack-of-all-trades or general errand-runner. Someone needs dry cleaning dropped off, groceries purchased, or old clothes donated to Goodwill? You’re on it. For even more specificity, you could consider choosing a niche, such as running errands for seniors.

13. Building websites

If you know how to set up a killer website, you’re in luck—most people don’t, and the demand for high-quality business websites is only continuing to grow.

Before you jump in, check out this article, 10 Things I Wish I’d Known Before Starting a Web Design Business—you’ll learn that the biggest competitor to your web design services isn’t other designers, but business owners who choose not to hire anyone at all. So, how will you make yourself seem invaluable?

14. Programming

While it is possible to teach yourself programming and build your own app, programming services will always be in high demand. If you are a skilled programmer, you can start a business with no money offering your programming skills.

Here are some useful tips for landing your first clients as a freelance developer, and if you’re interested specifically in building apps, check this article out.

15. Driving for Uber

Do you have a car (more specifically, a 4-door sedan, year 2001 or newer)? That’s about all it takes to become an Uber driver, along with at least three years of driving experience and a clean record.

If you have the above, starting a business as an Uber driver can be wildly lucrative. While you may not reach the heights of the so-called “Uberpreneurs” who make upwards of $200,000 a year, it can be a great free business to start.

16. Music lessons or tutoring

If you are great at a specific school subject or play a musical instrument, consider starting a tutoring business. The possibilities are nearly endless, enabling you to specialize in your niche skill set or interest (though you may have more luck as a general English tutor and not, say, as a specialist in 19th-century Gothic Literature).

This article from Tutor Panel covers the basics you’ll need to consider before you start your tutoring business, including picking your specialty, determining the age groups you’ll teach, and pricing your services. Additionally, check out this Udemy course on starting a tutoring business.

17. Language teaching and practice

If you speak more than one language, you have a golden opportunity to start a business teaching a language, or holding language conversation practice sessions.

In addition to the resources above, check out this article by Tammy Bjelland, who started a language teaching and consulting business. If you’re wondering where to list your tutoring services, there are plenty of options beyond basic Craigslist.

18. Virtual assistant

If you are organized and can easily accomplish tasks in a timely manner, consider becoming a virtual assistant. Virtual assistants handle scheduling, bookkeeping, and various other administrative tasks remotely from their home office; similar to freelancing as a writer, editor, designer, and so on, virtual assistants can build up their client base and experience on sites like Upwork.

For more on becoming a virtual assistant, check out The VA Handbook, a site dedicated to helping others start and manage their own virtual assistant businesses.

19. House sitting

Okay, sure, you’ve done house sitting for friends before—but can you turn this into an actual, profitable business?

Turns out you can—by building up a reputation of respectful, trustworthy behavior, keeping client needs first, and thinking about what they would want in a house sitter.

Good references are of paramount importance when starting a house sitting business (though experience managing a home, caring for pets, and conducting minor lawn care are also important). That being said, building these up, in the beginning, may be as simple as finding families in your social circle who are going out of town this summer!

20. Home organization

Do you love to keep a clean, tidy home? Does the idea of visiting The Container Store fill you with excitement (don’t worry—you’re not alone)? If so, you may want to consider offering home organization services.

To get a taste of what the process of becoming a professional organizer looks like, check out this article on Organize 365, where blogger and professional organizer Lisa Woodruff discusses the process and offers tips.

21. Professional finder

While this may be one of the more unusual suggestions on this list, if you have a knack for finding things, you may be able to monetize this service, at no cost to you.

You may be asking, “Okay, great; but what am I finding, exactly?” According to this article, the possibilities are nearly endless. From family genealogical information, to classic cars, to old records, to perfect roommates, if you are good at tracking down the perfect thing or piece of information, you may want to look into it.

22. Drop shipping

I won’t even begin to get into drop shipping here—especially when Shopify has such an excellent drop shipping guide already.

The appeal of drop shipping is obvious: it involves little when it comes to specific skill set, can be done from anywhere, doesn’t involve startup capital, and can be hugely lucrative.

23. Gardening and landscaping

If you have a green thumb, you might want to consider starting a gardening or landscaping business. If you have basic mowing, pruning, and lawn maintenance skills, you’ll likely find that the bar to entry for starting a landscaping business is fairly low.

The more complex the process (i.e., more complex irrigation techniques and similar) may require additional learning, through a course, degree, or mentorship.

Though the latter does take away from the “free” aspect of starting this business, it’s still worth looking into (and perhaps you can mentor under an expert in the field to learn new skills at no cost). For more on starting a landscape gardening business, read this guide.

24. House or office cleaning

Cleaning businesses are incredibly appealing due to their low cost of entry—it essentially comes down to the cost of cleaning materials alone. Not only that, but you can guarantee that cleaning services will always be in demand.

We’ve covered the entire process of starting a cleaning business in our How to Start a Cleaning Business guide, right here on Bplans.

25. Event planning

We’ve covered the process of becoming an event planner extensively here on Bplans, including my articles How to Make More Money As an Event Planner, 11 Resources You Can Use to Grow Your Event Planning Business, and our free wedding and event planning sample business plans.

An event planning business can be a great free (or at the very least inexpensive) business to start; you primarily need a computer and capital to create a website and any branding materials. In addition to the links included above, the Event Manager Blog has plenty of great resources (such as this article on How to Start an Event Planning Business).

26. Sewing and alterations

If you’re a skilled seamstress or someone with a desire to learn, you may want to consider starting a sewing or alterations business. Startup costs are virtually nonexistent, provided that you already have a sewing machine and the necessary skills (and even if you don’t, these one-time expenses are still fairly low in the grand scheme of new business ventures).

Posted by David Seagraves                                                                                   Find “The Right Money” for Your Business