#Anyway that's all that's going through my brain so far
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If Cap mentioning fish and chips in Whitby was nearly enough to make me cry, then how tf am I supposed to survive episodes 5 and 6?
#That line just made me imagine him and Havers on a trip to Whitby :(#Also good memories of my own but like nostalgic kinda make me want to cry a little bit memories#I'm already fucking broken lol I don't think I can do any more episodes#BBC Ghosts#BBC Ghosts spoilers#Ik what happens I've seen all the spoilers#But still#Idek why that bit in particular given how many places they were mentioning but ig bc I know it#Anyway that's all that's going through my brain so far
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What Dan and Phil Text Each Other 4 + Familect (article)
#dan and phil#amazingphil#daniel howell#danisnotonfire#phil lester#this idea has been cooking in my brain for literally MONTHS but this weekend was literally the first day off i've had since JANUARY#which is so cruel and unusual don't get me started but anyways#and also the first time they haven't dropped something unhinged that i felt compelled to run through photoshop#also it took forever because originally i was going to do all the WDAPTEOs so like i pulled clips from 2 3 and 4#and didn't end up using any of the ones i pulled from 2 and 3 so guess i just wasted some time there#so it didn't take me actually as long to put together the actual set but like i spent a solid 5 hours working on the general project#tbf though the videos are 20 minutes long so like an hour was just watching to get the time stamps#and i didnt want to miss one by putting it on higher playback speed bc some of them are really quick#well congrats if you made it this far in my fucking tags essay about this post#this is like a 'stick around after the episode for a look behind the scenes' segment#hexagifs
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Y’all thinking about an older Ares has RUINED me
#hyrule warriors#hw link#kheprri rambling#fucked by the ‘perfect hero’ treatment and is a little hit jaded and scruffy and i am INSANE FOR IT#he does not cope well and i love that for him#obsessed with him. been thinking about him for a couple months now for my wargod au and yall i cannot stop#volga gets the treatment too but its slightly less noticeable coz hes a dragon#also sorry about there being nothing going on. every time i want to start on something i get hit by just utter pain and cant focus#so ive just been playing games and sleeping trying to get through it lol#but that also gave me a lot of thinking time for the aus. especially the main one (and this one obv)#also sorry if u dont vibe with the headcanon/au. hes far from being a dick or entitled hes just tired of being perfect for others—#—and just wants to live in peace with his dragon bf lmao#2024+ is the era of khep(me) forcing myself to draw facial hair because ive always been afraid of not doing it right#actually i love drawinf facial hair and all hair in general tbh im just horrified of people being like ‘lol ur wrong die’ XD#anyways sorry. rambling. too many brain thoughts not enough outlets for#will be posting the mistflier species sheet wip on kofi eventually i just wanna type the words out to make it more legible#it IS still a wip and thats why its gonna be going on kofi until its finished#<- and also coz its tailnrr related
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the masculine urge to take a saucepan off thr draining board and bash myself repeatedly over the head with it until I pass out and no longer have to experience feeling Bad 😍
#struggling to tolerate this one ngl its fucking dire this weekend. i just cant do this man#thr things i would fucking do for attention please. just one person to notice and care in the slighest i feel like im losing my fucking#mind out here how does every single person who has ever mattered to me in my lifr see me in distress and choose to ignore it or maybe they#dont even recognise im ij distress in the first place i dont know whats worse i dont think i hide it well at all im just so done#listen like ultimately its fucking fine. i will get myself through it like ive gotten myself through everything else in my fuckijg life#i dont even feel bad that often these days im doing so so so much better and its so much more tolerable to only have to deal with this#once or twice a week instead of it being a struggle every single day like i dont think i could go back to feeling like that again ever i#dont know how i managed to get througyh it before jesus fucking christ. but i can deal with it i can deal with this#ik ill feel fine tomorrow. its just thr fact im so desperately fucking alone with it that makes it so much worse than it has to be#i fucking hate repression i hate being so incapable of expressing myself that its easier for me to injure myself than it is to talk about#how i feel to anyone i hate being trapped in this stupif fucking torture labyrinth and not knowing how to get out of it and never being#given a single avenue anything to hold onto i hate having to do it alone every single fucking time and when i do try i just freeze out#entirely i cant form a coherent thought my brain enters total fucking shutdown pure static white noise fuzz and i dont know why please#its so unfair i dont think its that much to want a little comfort. just once just for someone to stay with me while i cry it doesnt have#to be more than that i just dont want to be alone like this i just want to feel safe around someone just close to someone just once#and well ill survive without it bc i always have i guess. so far at least. and there are many things im grateful for and i do in general#feel pretty okay my life is pretty good at times even. i feel so pathetic and stupid and ashamed for even feeling like this#but do i have to go my entire life without ever experiencing any kind of real intimacy with another person emotionally that is#i mean physical is nice too and they go hand in hand in some ways but i just want to feel seen and safe over anything.im tired#i feel like i try.but not hard enough i know its all my fault really but i dont know how to try any harder but nothing will ever change if#i dont i cant expect anyone to do anything if i cant rven communicate in thr first place. oh i dont want to think about it anymore#i have a headache from crhing and its not even 8pm ugh. okay. well it is what it is.#ill breathe until i calm down and then tidy up whatever i left in the kitchen and get my work stuff ready for tmr#and polish my boots maybe. and read and go to bed at 9:30 i think. and ill feel fine in the morning#my fault for thinking about it earlier i know i shouldve nipped it earlier on its such an easy spiral to fall into i need to get better#it happens. okay anyway. no cause for concern im good guys. weakly thumbs up at the camera all covered in blood#my period is late actually thats probably all this is lmao. makes sense thinking abt it#cant wait for it to finally start and all earthly desire to leave my body so i never experience pain again amen#.vent#ignore this sorry for being mentally ill im not even that mentally ill anymore so no excuse rly ummmm. bit embarrassing innit.
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no ones ever gonna understand how much i love daigo doin this stupid shit after dissolving the tojo
#snap chats#is this a gaiden spoiler. its been like five months catch up you nerds#ANYWAYYYYY NOO I LOVE HIM ....... this whole bit is like four seconds long but i love it so much#i just reminded myself i should probably make gaiden/y8 videos for daigo.. i'll make it a JP/ENG comp or somethn.. one day#not soon tho like its barely anything since he's not in those games Long At All but still. im lazy 💀#excuse me while i gush about daigo for twenty minutes now because hehee HE'S SO CUTE I CAN'T GET OVER IT#this is literally the middle aged equivalent of going yippee like YOU CAN TELL HE'S SO RELIEVED IT'S SO CUTE#got the energy of a student with crippling anxiety after they somehow get through giving a presentation without throwing up#AND his lil smile ......... thank you gaiden you made me wanna eat drywall with daigo's sad puppy dog eyes about kiryu#and then immediately made up for it a minute later#sorry i keep scrolling up to look at him and i love him so much. what if i threw up#i dont like using babygirl lightly but this is actually the most Babygirl frame of him ever ive decided#thats my boy .... i love my boy so much ..... he's so cute ... come so far in life congratulations king ..... ily ...#him lookin up at the sky for a minute just to breathe i know he thankin god for the fact he somehow isnt dead yet#im gonna ignore the fact all of this was for naught so i dont bash my head against a wall anyway stan daigo#im gonna be sick i love him so much#if i redraw this later shut up. i love him...#this is why i try not to look at cutscenes anymore cause when i do i feel my brain being put in a microwave and start to melt#its not my fault i love my guys so much .... ok bye i have work to do ....#and then when i finish that work i can go back to loving my guys YAAAAAY !!!!!!!
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i like overthink everything now it makes me feel so dumb. i used 2 be able to just talk 2 ppl but nowadays every single thing im like Is that actually going to make them hate me. Yes probably. and then i just dont respond which makes ppl hate me. this is how it is
#ive been overthinking 1 light and casual mildly funny response to something but im worried itll come off as disrespectful and dismissive And#make me seem stupid and uncaring all at the same time. and also be seen as insulting. but like idt itd be insulting right like. im not#saying what it is so ig for all you guys know im like I mean if i say All your shit suck ball and i hateit kys. <- thats not the thing i was#going to say#like it doesnt matter now the window for response is closed now but i feel stupid bc i shouldve just said it it was light and casual. im so#bad at keeping convos gojng im convinced im not going to survive. In like a light and casual way like in a He will not make it through the#winter joke way. dw. im not going to do anything bc i had One failed interaction. if i was going to do anythjng itd be bc of the 8000000#other failed interactions. But im not. anyways. it just makes me feel so useless 😭 like i want to respond i want to talk to ppl so bad but#i feel like i mess things up Irreparably every time i speak OR i take too LONG overthinking my response and then i just cant respond bc its#been too long and then its been 3 years and the only messages ive ever sent r my intro message and 1 message 2 years ago that nobody#responded to at all. or the conversation stopped immediately after. and like i used to be better at this i was lkke. talkative in a couple#muts servers like. i talked 2 ppl daily in those servers and i had fun and like. I was an important part of the group and i felt like it#but i just feel like such an outsider for Everything and its literally my fault bc i cant just like. Talk. The explosion. bc im always like#im gonna try im gonna do it this time im gonna get it back im going to finally be Good connor and im going to fix it all and make a Good#solid friend group and ill find HEALTHY LOVE and i wont selfsabotage and ill move out and have a job and ill balance it well and ill start#all my hobbies and ill have a great routine and be so loveable and on top of it and not stressed and content and happy and roll with the#punches and then theres a single hiccup and im like Well fuckinf whatever im going to be an unemployed hermit forever and im going to die b4#im 25 anyways so Who cares and also im digging a little hole for myself. and its like. AUGHH ik i just have to persevere and overcome but#even saying that feels so stupid its not fucking hard its Talking to ppl. like. i literally if ive ever said a word to you i had to think#avt it and strategize how to respond right even for like. like. it makes it sound like its not genuine it is#like for example i want to say hey i love your art! but then i freak out and im like thats not normal thats like a rly generic comment they#hear that all the time theyll thjnk im being polite and my brains like hrmmm rewrite Your art changed my life. It shaped me. Ill never be#the same. Nad im like ok too far overcorrected go back and the sentence generator is like Your art has colors 💯 like. GOD. WHY IS IT SO#difficult. and then usually i either just dont say anythinf and feel awful abt it 4ever OR i send it on anon and then i spend like 15#minutes ibsessively slightly tweaking the apelling and capitalization and punctuation to make sure it doesnt seem like its me just in case#it Is the worst possible thing to say but then i see the response and itll be like AWWW TYSM :] THIS MEANS A LOT or whathaveyou and i feel#stupid bc i couldve just Told them this to their face and it wouldve been a good positive interaction we had. but instead i had 2 hide and#tyoe entirely differently so they couldnt sniff me from my typing style. and it soesnt even feel like the thanks is actually 4 me bc i#tweaked the message sm. and it still makes me happy that the oersons hapoy but its like. that couldve been a nice mutual interaction#like not that i need a personal ty i compliment ppl when i Want to compliment ppl and when its genuine yk. i dont do it so i get mutualpoint
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i have yet again drawn something Fire Emblem related
still kinda sucky at drawing FE characters, but im slowly figuring it out and seeing as i have plans(which i'll hopefully be able to act upon sooner then later, no promises though) im going to be getting a lot of practice in my future anyways yeah, Chrom time
#myart#fanart#fe chrom#fire emblem awakening#fire emblem#<- hey look i remembered to tag that before going off on a tangent this time!#what are my plans you may be wondering?#well again no promises since both life and my brain jumping on and off of walls at the speed of light#but *potentially* might be making a fancomic for one of my FE aus#which i am realizing i don't think i've talked about any of my FE aus on this blog-#-and at most vaguely mentioned one on my artfight due to having a ref design for one of the characters#(which side note is not the au i want to make into a fancomic thing)#long ass tangent aside i do want to point out i have never made comics or fancomics before#so quality will probably be ...not great to begin with#especially since i still don't fully know how backgrounds work#but! not ever attempting it is not going to help me either#do it badly and all that jazz#but anyways#i gotta get back to playing through one of the games#since i need to finish that first before working on this hypothetical fancomic(seeing as it involves that game in the au)#but hey good news is that im at part 4 so not that far from the end#i think i blabbed enough in my tags this time so yeah FE good
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that one post the other day asked about Lavellan's family members and reminded me that I had concepts of rewriting the 'Protect Clan Lavellan' war table missions as an actual playable quest, especially one in my world where my companion OC Enasel'an Lavellan is involved
Anyway i've since written 6 pages of notes on how the quest would work and how Enasel'an specifically as a companion ties into it
#went through and wrote down all the info we have from the war table mission descriptions about what actually happens in Wycome#now does all of it actually make sense? eh#more so than some parts of DA less so than others lol#BUT the point is that it actually translates to a playable quest. remarkably well imo#so now I have basically a whole quest#plus notes on my OC and how they fit in#and I think I might need to work on companion banters and such for this quest#now i will say i do not have the FAINTEST idea how mods work but i do wish I could just import my brain matter into this game lol#bc now i wanna do this lmao#this is all also background information for the mavren lavellan retellilng i'm doing (bc it's my canon and I make the rules now)#that I'm writing instead of. actually writing said mavren lavellan retelling#oops lol#anyway if you've made it this far in the tags hello go drink water and also send me a message if you want to read about it LOL#if i can get this into an actual shareable format i might just. share it#but for now it's bullet points (paragraphs long bullet points but I digress) in a google doc lol#dragon age inquisition#protect clan lavellan#enasel'an lavellan#my post
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#my brain still hasn't caught up yet#it's like everytime i open an app and see posts about it there's a second where i think 'wait no. that wouldn't happen'#and yet it did :(#i spent the last couple of days going through my blog#watching old videos and stuff#and man i feel so sorry for all the people who never got to experience a 1d show#because that was just magic#i'm so happy i got to experience that with some of you <3#and that we have this place to share our grief#even when people irl don't get it#bc man they don't get it at all#anyways at least now i know no matter how far away i drift from all of this i'll never stop loving these boys
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Yesterday I watched Cartoon Saloon’s short “Screecher’s Reach”, and thought Daal’s hair was almost exactly like how I envision Mathilde Lachance’s hair, so I decided to try and draw her. Today I stopped cleaning up the sketch after about an hour because I got bored, so it’s going here.
#nevermoor#nevermoor fanart#mathilde lachance#idk if anyone’s ever drawn her before (which makes sense bc no description) but I wanted to give it a shot#I’ve always envisioned her like. goth former art student. just the vibe of a pretentious 20s-30s artist who is also kinda goth. for funsies#when I said this blog is where I ‘dump’ my fanart I am being serious. bc sometimes I just quit part way through. lol.#I always try to be one of those ppl that ‘renders’ just by cleaning up their sketch + flats and then I always get bored and stop doing it#I need to stop avoiding doing lineart bc I actually enjoy doing it. when I do otherwise I just end up w a bunch of half finished stuff loll#anyways. I haven’t drawn in ages bc college sucked all my time and energy. but I just graduated 💪 and I’m excited to get back into things.#especially nevermoor stuff!!! bc I have so many ideas!!!!!#fun fact for if you’ve read this far: I like giving wundersmiths bright golden eye highlights when I draw them. just for fun!#the gold of wunder goes sooo well w the black/purple color scheme of morrigan. genius idea from jess. that’s why I always love drawing mog!#I may never draw stuff but rest assured I’m always thinking abt how I would draw nevermoor ppl/places/things and why#I have so many thoughts and my nevermoor brainrot is also is where my art/animation brain and media adaptation brain get to combine#I am going to be insufferable when (if?) the movie starts being made and I am not even sorry#anyways. enjoy this lq image. bc this is a screenshot and I have a problem with drawing way too small lol. oops.
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good lord my brain is running laps and i just wanna knock it out and get some goddamn sleep
#apparently just bc I figured it out my brain still isn’t gonna chill out#now i’m stuck between do i communicate and embarrass myself#in hopes that it calms down the fears that i’m already aware are probably irrational#or do i do my best to ignore it and hope my brain chills out on its own soon#and that in the meantime i don’t do my go-to moves when i overthink something#which are running away or getting mean#(not like. mean mean. but snarky. and a little harsh and irritable)#bc no one has done anything wrong!#myself included so far!#my brain just will not let go of this stupid fear#and it’s the same fucking fear that has haunted me on and off through every era of my life#i WILL NOT isolate myself or push people away that’s wildly counterproductive#and honestly i find it mind boggling that that’s even a response bc IT MAKES NO SENSE#anyway everything is changing and it’s fucking me up big time#there’s too many things changing all at once and tbh i’m fucking terrified#and this just happened to be the thing that finally pushed me into ‘cant fucking deal with this’ territory#and nothing has even changed! it’s all in my head right now!!!#it’s so fucking frustrating to know something intellectually but your emotions are off doing their own shit#‘you can’t think away emotions’ I CAN FUCKING TRY#it comes down to fear and anger at that fear and anger at change#i’m so angry and there’s nowhere to direct that anger#being angry at a concept or the very passage of time is just so unsatisfying and annoying#*change as a#personal#i’d say sorry for the vent posts but i can’t afford therapy so#and this is the next best thing
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things I should be doing with my flight rising time: writing actual lore for my actual clan and actual dragons
things I actually do with my flight rising time: come up with alpha codes for the bird items
#for those who don't know alpha codes are four letter abbreviations of a bird's name for birders to use as quick reference#ANYWAY#I mean#it does serve the greater purposes of my lore at some juncture#what with my clan's new menagerie focus and all#but it is so tangential as to almost be unrelated haha#I can't help it! I love categories and I just so happen to be doing a Bird Internship right now so I'm surrounded by alpha codes#9hrs a day 6 days a week lol#and it's less brain intensive than coming up with binomial names so it's perfect for sleepy me#favorite so far is wildwood owlet being WWOW#it's just fun imagining there being birding enthusiasts in sornieth too :D#now the real question--do bird-headed hybrid familiars get alpha codes or nah??#alpha codes are rather unscientific/general so my vote is yes but who knows#it would be fun to go through and make alpha codes for gryphons and such :D#mew's musings
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There's this new trend happening in the former bird app where people show how long it'd take for a character to apologize by drawing the head and a line connecting to an apology at the end. And honestly, I'm not good at keeping up with trends but this one is fairly easy to do so!
Good timing too cuz I've been thinking bout the scenario of Alec and Ray arguing so I took this chance to do my own spin on the trend!
Also this is what Ray said for easy reading (and for better viewing cuz it's pretty hard to do bold and italic on a single word in ibis):
"Can't you be a little selfish for once?! Can't you at least just THINK ABOUT THE PEOPLE THAT CARES ABOUT YOU?! Think about your parents! Think about your siblings! THINK ABOUT ME! IT! HURTS! Every single time you go to who knows where, it hurts! My chest tightens so much and my mind is filled with so much worry at whatever the FUCK you're doing and I don't! I don't even know where you are, WHAT YOU'RE DOING!
And the thought of opening that damn door to someone telling me you're in critical condition or worst yet-- dead-- HURTS! SO MUCH!"
#ariart#ariaoc#ariaoc: Alec#ariaoc: Ray#my fave take on this trend so far is that one mhyk artist cuz its sooo funny to me how when it came to snow and white#the line just made a heart then went off screen and the word at the end is just the twins doing their ''hohoho'' laugh with a ''<3'' heart#its soooo funny. that one made me laugh so much. and the way their take on figaro. murr. and rustica is funny too#figaros line just had this circular blurr at the middle with his spell my guy would just rather get rid of the memory on you#than apologize its the funniest thing to me somehow. ofc the best one is owens (my caiowe heart...) cuz my guy was Not#going to apologize at all he was doing what Owen does best and then theres just that one bit of him going ''kishisama?''#and suddenly he does a very tiny apology. like fellow caiowe enjoyer right there! owen apologizing only cuz cain is nearby!#i wanna see more mhyk artists do this trend with their own takes on the characters. its a pretty fun trend tbf! and easy too!#aaaaannd i ended up talking bout mhyk in the tags of a post for my ocs ohmygod... im sorry its the mhyk brain in me...#ANYWAY! back to the ocs! so like yea-- alec and ray argument with ray dominating most of it by the end cuz well-- hes sorta right#alec at this time was just a feeew years after The Incident. and hes now doing Stuff (pretty dangerous stuff)#and ray is both affected by the Connection and the memory of alecs rescue from The Incident still being rather fresh in a way#and it just worries him so badly that at some point just reached his limit and confronted alec and this happened#in a normal setting tho ray apologizes as fairly easily. love the contrast between the cute chibis and just ray going through it
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i wear a lot of skirts and pink and whatnot as my style has developed with me & my personality but when one of those age regression girlies latch onto me....i do not like that
#like oh....you think im one of them...bestie no im freshly 23 and im happy i made it this far i dont wanna go back#sometimes i hate being 5'2 with a small frame you have to be very careful and kinda vet everyone you interact with#idk there's a complex discussion to be had. i am someone who has went through what they fetishize and i know a lot of girls in that#community have too. so i worry a lot if if my behaviors and preferences accidentally align with that community in ways i don't realize#bc trauma will always reveal itself. idfk. when i was 20 i got in a relationship with a man who was 30 because i misheard him and thought#he was 24. i thought he was okay until we were at this giftshop and he wanted to get me something but as giftshops are super expensive#i mentioned i could fit in childrens clothes and it saves me a lot of money ($60 shoes are $30 for kids) and tbh fit my frame better#so he was “prove it” so i did and mf said “THATS HOT” ??????????? BITCH#my style wasn't even feminine in the slightest at the time 😑 it feels like a curse to have this kind of trauma then never outgrow this body#believe me ik how trauma changes your brain but how#as a woman#can you ever be apart of that community? why do you allow this to continue and not persecute these men for existing?#you're inherently enabling it and saying its okay this happened to you and its okay that other adults can hurt other kids#when my rapist got put in prison i screamed i yelled i sang i danced my friends set off FIREWORKS for me#when he got out i cried more than i ever have. i moved STATES (not the sole rzn but nonetheless) not that i was in the one he was in prison#in anyways but i was so fucking petrified he'd find me again. its embarrassing but i started sleeping with a chastity belt again.#i made more phone calls i ever have in my life to people who have and will get their hands dirty#i understand the self hatred those girls have. i understand the girls who sleep with everyone to take some of their power back.#i even understand the girls who want to get raped if they got assaulted but it never felt like enough for the pain they're experiencing#but please stay the fuck away from me. as someone who has tried to heal and wants every man like that erased from earth.#do not give them an ounce of attention. ostracize them like they're meant to be. leave it to god for their karma they will be dealt with#reckon with your pain and make sure it never happens to anyone else. only the harmed can make the greatest teachers#tbh bro i am disgusted with myself at all that those are the kinda vibes i put out.#what are you supposed to do as a woman when feminity is equalized with infantilism? i think its tone deaf and misguided whem girls are like#i dress this way to contradict societies views!!! babes its a whole cultural issue that requires reviewing and reforming#you are not doing anything revolutionary by wearing frilly skirts and saying im not like them bc they see you and ur automatically boxed in#i dress how i want and say what i want but i know as a individual im not the beacon of a groundbreaking movement#singularily flipping society on its head. dress how you want but be aware of the connotations. you're living in this society here and now#there's consequences that may not be in your favor and youll be assumed to have values that dont align with you and it may break your heart
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i hate one particular post on ogata that i won't quote
#he's not a psychopath#he's just so fucking lost in the sauce that the moment he connects all the dots on yuusaku he connects the bullet with his brain#i've never felt intense guilt and/or regret in my life and as far as i can think i'm going to kill myself if i will#of course he didn't understand he felt guilt because it's not like that kind of thing is on the surface when you never think about it#tldr ogata's so literally me (both autistic and severely emotionally underdeveloped) it hurts to read any other opinion#btw u reflect basically because you have nothing else 2do and ogata is either busy or guilt tripping through heavy hallucinations#nerd emoji anyways
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Immensely disappointed to find there are no wangxian podfics at 20+ hours. What am I supposed to do, record one mysel— *forcefully dragged away*
#i would but that sort of defeats the purpose which is me listening to fic i havent read before at work to keep myself alive despite it all#MASSIVE FUCKING SHOUTOUT TO PODFICCERS BTW I WOULD NOT SURVIVE WORK WITHOUT U#no i wont listen to an actual audiobook who do you think i am#i said that but ive started considering that this would be how i read warrior cats again for the first time in like 8 years lmao#anyway. ive reached the last 10 chapters of my one 50 chapter podfic so ive returned to ao3 to stockpile some more longer ones#i ran out of sv ones already so here's to hoping i get a massive haul out of mdzs#so far ive got more than i did for sb already so WE DOIN GOOD#jay yells#i didnt realize how quickly I'd get through this fic tho like goddamn#i think it's only been abt a month?? yikes#man. i really shouldve just made a second post for half these tags sjxkdk#but im not going to#woe. adhd brain be upon ye
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